This is a modern-English version of The Purple Cloud, originally written by Shiel, M. P. (Matthew Phipps). It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling, and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.

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The Purple Cloud

By M.P. Shiel

1901

1901

estai kai Samos ammos, eseitai Daelos adaelos

Sibylline Prophecy

Sibylline Prophecy


INTRODUCTION

About three months ago—that is to say, toward the end of May of this year of 1900—the writer whose name appears on the title-page received as noteworthy a letter, and packet of papers, as it has been his lot to examine. They came from a very good friend of mine, whose name there is no reason that I should now conceal—Dr. Arthur Lister Browne, M.A. (Oxon.), F.R.C.P. It happened that for two years I had been spending most of my time in France, and as Browne had a Norfolk practice, I had not seen him during my visits to London. Moreover, though our friendship was of the most intimate kind, we were both atrocious correspondents: so that only two notes passed between us during those years.

About three months ago—which is to say, toward the end of May 1900—the author listed on the title page received an intriguing letter and a packet of papers like none he had encountered before. They were from a very good friend of mine, whose name I don’t need to hide—Dr. Arthur Lister Browne, M.A. (Oxon.), F.R.C.P. I had been spending most of my time in France for two years, and since Browne had a practice in Norfolk, I hadn’t seen him during my trips to London. Additionally, despite our close friendship, we were both terrible at keeping in touch, so only two notes passed between us during those years.

Till, last May, there reached me the letter—and the packet—to which I refer. The packet consisted of four note-books, quite crowded throughout with those giddy shapes of Pitman's shorthand, whose ensemble so resembles startled swarms hovering in flighty poses on the wing. They were scribbled in pencil, with little distinction between thick and thin strokes, few vowels: so that their slow deciphering, I can assure the reader, has been no holiday. The letter also was pencilled in shorthand; and this letter, together with the second of the note-books which I have deciphered (it was marked 'III.'), I now publish.

Until last May, I received the letter—and the packet—I mentioned. The packet contained four notebooks, completely filled with those wild shapes of Pitman's shorthand, which look like startled swarms hovering in midair. They were written in pencil, with little difference between thick and thin lines, and few vowels: so I can assure the reader, deciphering them has been no easy task. The letter was also written in shorthand; and this letter, along with the second notebook I’ve deciphered (it was labeled 'III.'), I now publish.

[I must say, however, that in some five instances there will occur sentences rather crutched by my own guess-work; and in two instances the characters were so impossibly mystical, that I had to abandon the passage with a head-ache. But all this will be found immaterial to the general narrative.]

[I have to admit, though, that in about five places there are sentences pretty much ruined by my own guesswork; and in two cases, the characters were so ridiculously mystical that I had to give up on the passage because it gave me a headache. But all of this will be irrelevant to the overall story.]

The following is Browne's letter:

The following is Browne's letter:

'DEAR OLD SHIEL,—I have just been lying thinking of you, and wishing that you were here to give one a last squeeze of the hand before I—"go": for, by all appearance, "going" I am. Four days ago, I began to feel a soreness in the throat, and passing by old Johnson's surgery at Selbridge, went in and asked him to have a look at me. He muttered something about membranous laryngitis which made me smile, but by the time I reached home I was hoarse, and not smiling: before night I had dyspnoca and laryngeal stridor. I at once telegraphed to London for Morgan, and, between him and Johnson, they have been opening my trachea, and burning my inside with chromic acid and the galvanic cautery. The difficulty as to breathing has subsided, and it is wonderful how little I suffer: but I am much too old a hand not to know what's what: the bronchi are involved—too far involved—and as a matter of absolute fact, there isn't any hope. Morgan is still, I believe, fondly dwelling upon the possibility of adding me to his successful-tracheotomy statistics, but prognosis was always my strong point, and I say No. The very small consolation of my death will be the beating of a specialist in his own line. So we shall see.

'DEAR OLD SHIEL,—I've just been lying here thinking about you and wishing you were here to give me one last squeeze of the hand before I—"go": because, by all appearances, "going" is what I’m doing. Four days ago, I started feeling a soreness in my throat, and while passing by old Johnson's surgery at Selbridge, I went in and asked him to take a look at me. He mumbled something about membranous laryngitis that made me smile, but by the time I got home, I was hoarse and not smiling anymore: before the night was over, I had difficulty breathing and laryngeal stridor. I immediately telegraphed to London for Morgan, and between him and Johnson, they’ve been opening my trachea and burning my insides with chromic acid and galvanic cautery. The breathing issues have eased, and it’s amazing how little I’m suffering: but I’ve been around long enough to know what's really going on: the bronchi are involved—too far involved—and frankly, there isn’t any hope. I believe Morgan is still holding on to the idea of adding me to his list of successful tracheotomies, but prognosis has always been my strong suit, and I say No. The small consolation of my death will be beating a specialist in his own field. So we shall see.

'I have been arranging some of my affairs this morning, and remembered these notebooks. I intended letting you have them months ago, but my habit of putting things off, and the fact that the lady was alive from whom I took down the words, prevented me. Now she is dead, and as a literary man, and a student of life, you should be interested, if you can manage to read them. You may even find them valuable.

'I’ve been organizing some of my things this morning and remembered these notebooks. I meant to give them to you months ago, but my tendency to procrastinate and the fact that the woman I got the words from was still alive held me back. Now she's passed away, and as a writer and someone who studies life, you should find them interesting if you can read them. You might even find them valuable.

'I am under a little morphia at present, propped up in a nice little state of languor, and as I am able to write without much effort, I will tell you in the old Pitman's something about her. Her name was Miss Mary Wilson; she was about thirty when I met her, forty-five when she died, and I knew her intimately all those fifteen years. Do you know anything about the philosophy of the hypnotic trance? Well, that was the relation between us—hypnotist and subject. She had been under another man before my time, but no one was ever so successful with her as I. She suffered from tic douloureux of the fifth nerve. She had had most of her teeth drawn before I saw her, and an attempt had been made to wrench out the nerve on the left side by the external scission. But it made no difference: all the clocks in hell tick-tacked in that poor woman's jaw, and it was the mercy of Providence that ever she came across me. My organisation was found to have almost complete, and quite easy, control over hers, and with a few passes I could expel her Legion.

'I’m currently on a bit of morphine, feeling relaxed and barely putting in any effort to write, so I’ll share some insights about her in the traditional style. Her name was Miss Mary Wilson; she was around thirty when I first met her, forty-five when she passed away, and I knew her well for all those fifteen years. Do you know anything about the philosophy of a hypnotic trance? Well, that describes our relationship—hypnotist and subject. She had been under the influence of another man before I came along, but nobody had as much success with her as I did. She dealt with tic douloureux of the fifth nerve. Most of her teeth had been pulled before I met her, and there had even been an attempt to remove the nerve on the left side externally. But it didn't matter: all the clocks in hell were ticking away in that poor woman's jaw, and it was a blessing from Providence that she ever encountered me. My body was found to have almost complete and effortless control over hers, and with a few gestures, I could send her Legion away.'

'Well, you never saw anyone so singular in personal appearance as my friend, Miss Wilson. Medicine-man as I am, I could never behold her suddenly without a sensation of shock: she suggested so inevitably what we call "the other world," one detecting about her some odour of the worm, with the feeling that here was rather ghost than woman. And yet I can hardly convey to you the why of this, except by dry details as to the contours of her lofty brow, meagre lips, pointed chin, and ashen cheeks. She was tall and deplorably emaciated, her whole skeleton, except the thigh-bones, being quite visible. Her eyes were of the bluish hue of cigarette smoke, and had in them the strangest, feeble, unearthly gaze; while at thirty-five her paltry wisp of hair was quite white.

'Well, you’ve never seen anyone as unique in appearance as my friend, Miss Wilson. Even as a doctor, I was always taken aback when I saw her unexpectedly; she so clearly reminded me of what we call "the other world," carrying an eerie hint of decay, making her seem more like a ghost than a woman. I can hardly explain why this is, except by listing the dry details of her high forehead, thin lips, pointed chin, and pale cheeks. She was tall and sadly thin, with her entire skeleton, except for her thigh bones, completely visible. Her eyes had a bluish tint like cigarette smoke, and they held a strange, weak, otherworldly gaze; by the time she was thirty-five, her scant hair had turned completely white.'

'She was well-to-do, and lived alone in old Wooding Manor-house, five miles from Ash Thomas. As you know, I was "beginning" in these parts at the time, and soon took up my residence at the manor. She insisted that I should devote myself to her alone; and that one patient constituted the most lucrative practice which I ever had.

'She was wealthy and lived alone in the old Wooding Manor-house, five miles from Ash Thomas. As you know, I was just starting out in this area at the time, and I soon moved into the manor. She insisted that I should focus solely on her; and that one patient turned out to be the most profitable practice I ever had.'

'Well, I quickly found that, in the state of trance, Miss Wilson possessed very remarkable powers: remarkable, I mean, not, of course, because peculiar to herself in kind, but because they were so constant, reliable, exact, and far-reaching, in degree. The veriest fledgling in psychical science will now sit and discourse finically to you about the reporting powers of the mind in its trance state—just as though it was something quite new! This simple fact, I assure you, which the Psychical Research Society, only after endless investigation, admits to be scientific, has been perfectly well known to every old crone since the Middle Ages, and, I assume, long previously. What an unnecessary air of discovery! The certainty that someone in trance in Manchester can tell you what is going on in London, or in Pekin, was not, of course, left to the acumen of an office in Fleet Street; and the society, in establishing the fact beyond doubt for the general public, has not gone one step toward explaining it. They have, in fact, revealed nothing that many of us did not, with absolute assurance, know before.

'Well, I quickly realized that, in a trance state, Miss Wilson had some really amazing abilities: amazing, I mean, not because they were unique to her, but because they were so consistent, reliable, precise, and extensive. Even the most inexperienced person in psychical science can now sit and talk confidently about the mind's reporting abilities during trance—as if it were something completely new! This simple fact, which the Psychical Research Society acknowledges to be scientific only after endless investigation, has been known to every old woman since the Middle Ages, and I assume, long before that. What an unnecessary sense of discovery! The fact that someone in trance in Manchester can tell you what's happening in London or Beijing wasn’t figured out by an office in Fleet Street; and the society, in proving this fact beyond doubt for the general public, hasn’t taken a single step toward explaining it. They have, in fact, revealed nothing that many of us didn’t already know with complete certainty.'

'But talking of poor Miss Wilson, I say that her powers were remarkable, because, though not exceptional in genre, they were so special in quantity,—so "constant," and "far-reaching." I believe it to be a fact that, in general, the powers of trance manifest themselves more particularly with regard to space, as distinct from time: the spirit roams in the present—it travels over a plain—it does not usually attract the interest of observers by great ascents, or by great descents. I fancy that is so. But Miss Wilson's gift was special to this extent, that she travelled in every direction, and easily in all but one, north and south, up and down, in the past, the present, and the future.

'But speaking of poor Miss Wilson, I have to say that her abilities were remarkable, because, although not extraordinary in genre, they were unique in quantity—so "constant" and "far-reaching." I believe it's a fact that, in general, trance abilities tend to manifest more in relation to space rather than time: the spirit moves in the present—it travels across a flat area—it doesn't usually catch the attention of onlookers with significant rises or drops. I think that's true. But Miss Wilson's talent was unique in that she could travel in every direction, easily going north and south, up and down, through the past, present, and future.'

This I discovered, not at once, but gradually. She would emit a stream of sounds in the trance state—I can hardly call it speech, so murmurous, yet guttural, was the utterance, mixed with puffy breath-sounds at the languid lips. This state was accompanied by an intense contraction of the pupils, absence of the knee-jerk, considerable rigor, and a rapt and arrant expression. I got into the habit of sitting long hours at her bed-side, quite fascinated by her, trying to catch the import of that opiate and visionary language which came puffing and fluttering in deliberate monotone from her lips. Gradually, in the course of months, my ear learned to detect the words; "the veil was rent" for me also; and I was able to follow somewhat the course of her musing and wandering spirit.

This I discovered, not all at once, but gradually. She would let out a stream of sounds while in a trance—I can hardly call it speech, as it was so murmurous and guttural, mixed with soft breath sounds from her relaxed lips. This state came with intensely contracted pupils, no knee-jerk reflex, significant muscle stiffness, and a completely absorbed expression. I got into the habit of sitting for long hours by her bedside, completely captivated by her, trying to understand the meaning behind that dreamy and visionary language that came puffing and fluttering in a steady monotone from her lips. Over the course of months, my ear learned to pick out the words; "the veil was torn" for me too; and I was able to somewhat follow the flow of her thoughts and wandering spirit.

At the end of six months I heard her one day repeat some words which were familiar to me. They were these: "Such were the arts by which the Romans extended their conquests, and attained the palm of victory; and the concurring testimony of different authors enables us to describe them with precision..." I was startled: they are part of Gibbon's "Decline and Fall," which I easily guessed that she had never read.

At the end of six months, I overheard her one day repeating some words that I recognized. They were: "These were the methods by which the Romans expanded their conquests and achieved victory; and the agreement of various authors allows us to describe them accurately..." I was taken aback; they are from Gibbon's "Decline and Fall," and I quickly figured out that she had never read it.

I said in a stern voice: "Where are you?"

I said in a firm voice, "Where are you?"

She replied, "Us are in a room, eight hundred and eleven miles above. A man is writing. Us are reading."

She replied, "We're in a room, eight hundred and eleven miles up. A man is writing. We're reading."

I may tell you two things: first, that in trance she never spoke of herself as "I," nor even as "we," but, for some unknown reason, in the objective way, as "us": "us are," she would say—"us will," "us went"; though, of course, she was an educated lady, and I don't think ever lived in the West of England, where they say "us" in that way; secondly, when wandering in the past, she always represented herself as being "above" (the earth?), and higher the further back in time she went; in describing present events she appears to have felt herself on (the earth); while, as regards the future, she invariably declared that "us" were so many miles "within" (the earth).

I can tell you two things: first, that when she was in a trance, she never referred to herself as "I" or even "we," but for some unknown reason, in an objective way, as "us": "us are," she would say—"us will," "us went"; even though she was an educated lady and, as far as I know, never lived in the West of England, where they use "us" in that way; secondly, when she was reflecting on the past, she always portrayed herself as being "above" (the earth?), and the further back in time she went, the higher she seemed; in describing present events she appeared to feel herself on (the earth); and regarding the future, she consistently claimed that "us" were so many miles "within" (the earth).

To her excursions in this last direction, however, there seemed to exist certain fixed limits: I say seemed, for I cannot be sure, and only mean that, in spite of my efforts, she never, in fact, went far in this direction. Three, four thousand "miles" were common figures on her lips in describing her distance "above"; but her distance "within" never got beyond sixty-three. Usually, she would say twenty, twenty-five. She appeared, in relation to the future, to resemble a diver in the deep sea, who, the deeper he strives, finds a more resistant pressure, till, at no great depth, resistance becomes prohibition, and he can no further strive.

To her explorations in this last direction, however, there seemed to be certain fixed limits: I say seemed, because I can't be sure, and I only mean that, despite my efforts, she never actually went far in this direction. Three, four thousand "miles" were common figures on her lips when describing her distance "above," but her distance "within" never exceeded sixty-three. Usually, she would say twenty or twenty-five. She seemed, in relation to the future, to be like a diver in the deep sea, who, the deeper he goes, encounters more pressure, until, at not too great a depth, that pressure turns into an obstacle, and he can’t go any further.

'I am afraid I can't go on: though I had a good deal to tell you about this lady. During fifteen years, off and on, I sat listening by her dim bed-side to her murmuring trances! At last my expert ear could detect the sense of her faintest sigh. I heard the "Decline and Fall" from beginning to end. Some of her reports were the most frivolous nonsense: over others I have hung in a horror of interest. Certainly, my friend, I have heard some amazing words proceed from those wan lips of Mary Wilson. Sometimes I could hitch her repeatedly to any scene or subject that I chose by the mere exercise of my will; at others, the flighty waywardness of her spirit eluded and baffled me: she resisted—she disobeyed: otherwise I might have sent you, not four note-books, but twenty, or forty. About the fifth year it struck me that it would be well to jot down her more connected utterances, since I knew shorthand.

'I’m afraid I can’t continue: even though I had quite a bit to share about this lady. For fifteen years, off and on, I listened by her dim bedside to her murmuring trances! Eventually, my trained ear could pick up the meaning of her faintest sigh. I heard "Decline and Fall" from start to finish. Some of her reports were just the most trivial nonsense: while others had me gripped with fascination. Truly, my friend, I’ve heard some incredible words come from those pale lips of Mary Wilson. Sometimes I could link her to any scene or topic I wanted with just the power of my will; at other times, her whimsical spirit slipped away and confused me: she resisted—she disobeyed: otherwise, I could have sent you not four notebooks, but twenty, or forty. Around the fifth year, I thought it would be a good idea to jot down her more coherent remarks since I knew shorthand.'

The note-book marked "I.," 1 which seems to me the most curious, belongs to the seventh year. Its history, like those of the other three, is this: I heard her one afternoon murmuring in the intonation used when reading; the matter interested me; I asked her where she was. She replied: "Us are forty-five miles within: us read, and another writes"; from which I concluded that she was some fifteen to thirty years in the future, perusing an as yet unpublished work. After that, during some weeks, I managed to keep her to the same subject, and finally, I fancy, won pretty well the whole work. I believe you would find it striking, and hope you will be able to read my notes.

The notebook labeled "I.," 1 which I find the most intriguing, is from the seventh year. Its story, like those of the other three, is this: one afternoon, I heard her softly murmuring in the tone used when reading; I was curious about the content, so I asked her where she was. She responded, "We're forty-five miles in: we're reading, and another is writing"; from which I gathered that she was living about fifteen to thirty years in the future, reading a yet-to-be-published work. After that, for a few weeks, I managed to keep her focused on the same topic, and eventually, I think I captured pretty much the entire work. I believe you would find it remarkable, and I hope you'll be able to read my notes.

'But no more of Mary Wilson now. Rather let us think a little of A.L. Browne, F.R.C.P.!—with a breathing-tube in his trachea, and Eternity under his pillow...' [Dr. Browne's letter then continues on a subject of no interest here.]

'But enough about Mary Wilson for now. Let’s focus on A.L. Browne, F.R.C.P.!—with a breathing tube in his trachea and Eternity under his pillow...' [Dr. Browne's letter then continues on a subject of no interest here.]

[The present writer may add that Dr. Browne's prognosis of his own case proved correct, for he passed away two days after writing the above. My transcription of the shorthand book marked 'III.' I now proceed to give without comment, merely reminding the reader that the words form the substance of a book or document to be written, or to be motived (according to Miss Wilson) in that Future, which, no less than the Past, substantively exists in the Present—though, like the Past, we see it not. I need only add that the title, division into paragraphs, &c., have been arbitrarily contrived by myself for the sake of form and convenience.]

[The writer would like to note that Dr. Browne's prediction about his own condition turned out to be accurate, as he passed away two days after writing the above. I will now present my transcription of the shorthand book labeled 'III.' without any comments, simply reminding the reader that these words make up the core of a book or document intended to be written, or to be inspired (according to Miss Wilson) in that Future, which, just like the Past, exists in the Present—though, like the Past, it remains unseen. I should also mention that the title, paragraph divisions, etc., have been created by me for the sake of structure and convenience.]

1 [This I intend to publish under the title of 'The Last Miracle; 'II.' will bear that of 'The Lord of the Sea'; the present book is marked 'III.' The perusal of 'IV.' I have yet finished, but so far do not consider it suitable for publication.]

1 [I plan to publish this under the title 'The Last Miracle'; 'II.' will be titled 'The Lord of the Sea'; this book is labeled 'III.' I have not yet finished reading 'IV.', but I don't think it's ready for publication yet.]

(Here begins the note-book marked 'III.')

THE PURPLE CLOUD

Well, the memory seems to be getting rather impaired now, rather weak. What, for instance, was the name of that parson who preached, just before the Boreal set out, about the wickedness of any further attempt to reach the North Pole? I have forgotten! Yet four years ago it was familiar to me as my own name.

Well, my memory seems to be getting pretty weak now. What was the name of that pastor who preached, just before the Boreal set out, about how wrong it would be to try to reach the North Pole again? I can’t remember! But four years ago, it was as familiar to me as my own name.

Things which took place before the voyage seem to be getting a little cloudy in the memory now. I have sat here, in the loggia of this Cornish villa, to write down some sort of account of what has happened—God knows why, since no eye can ever read it—and at the very beginning I cannot remember the parson's name.

Things that happened before the trip are starting to blur in my memory now. I've sat here in the loggia of this Cornish villa to jot down some sort of account of what happened—God knows why, since no one will ever read it—and right from the start, I can't even remember the parson's name.

He was a strange sort of man surely, a Scotchman from Ayrshire, big and gaunt, with tawny hair. He used to go about London streets in shough and rough-spun clothes, a plaid flung from one shoulder. Once I saw him in Holborn with his rather wild stalk, frowning and muttering to himself. He had no sooner come to London, and opened chapel (I think in Fetter Lane), than the little room began to be crowded; and when, some years afterwards, he moved to a big establishment in Kensington, all sorts of men, even from America and Australia, flocked to hear the thunderstorms that he talked, though certainly it was not an age apt to fly into enthusiasms over that species of pulpit prophets and prophecies. But this particular man undoubtedly did wake the strong dark feelings that sleep in the heart; his eyes were very singular and powerful; his voice from a whisper ran gathering, like snow-balls, and crashed, as I have heard the pack-ice in commotion far yonder in the North; while his gestures were as uncouth and gawky as some wild man's of the primitive ages.

He was definitely a quirky guy, a Scotsman from Ayrshire, tall and thin, with tawny hair. He would walk around the streets of London in shabby, rough clothes, with a plaid thrown over one shoulder. I once saw him in Holborn, striding with a somewhat wild look, frowning and mumbling to himself. As soon as he arrived in London and opened a chapel (I think it was in Fetter Lane), the little room quickly became crowded; and when, a few years later, he moved to a larger venue in Kensington, all sorts of people, even those from America and Australia, came to listen to the thunderous sermons he delivered, even though it wasn't a time when people typically got excited about that kind of preacher or preaching. But this particular man definitely stirred up the deep, dark emotions that lie dormant in people's hearts; his eyes were very unique and intense; his voice would start as a whisper and build up, like snowballs rolling down a hill, crashing like I’ve heard pack ice breaking in the far North; and his gestures were as awkward and clumsy as a wild man's from ancient times.

Well, this man—what was his name?—Macintosh? Mackay? I think—yes, that was it! Mackay. Mackay saw fit to take offence at the new attempt to reach the Pole in the Boreal; and for three Sundays, when the preparations were nearing completion, stormed against it at Kensington.

Well, this man—what was his name?—Macintosh? Mackay? I think—yes, that was it! Mackay. Mackay was offended by the new attempt to reach the Pole in the Boreal; and for three Sundays, as the preparations were wrapping up, he protested against it at Kensington.

The excitement of the world with regard to the North Pole had at this date reached a pitch which can only be described as fevered, though that word hardly expresses the strange ecstasy and unrest which prevailed: for the abstract interest which mankind, in mere desire for knowledge, had always felt in this unknown region, was now, suddenly, a thousand and a thousand times intensified by a new, concrete interest—a tremendous money interest.

The world's excitement about the North Pole had reached a level that can only be described as fevered, although that word barely captures the strange thrill and agitation that dominated the scene. The abstract curiosity that humanity had always had about this mysterious area, driven purely by the quest for knowledge, was now suddenly intensified a thousandfold by a new, tangible interest—a massive money interest.

And the new zeal had ceased to be healthy in its tone as the old zeal was: for now the fierce demon Mammon was making his voice heard in this matter.

And the new enthusiasm had lost its healthy tone like the old enthusiasm: now the fierce spirit of greed was making itself known in this situation.

Within the ten years preceding the Boreal expedition, no less than twenty-seven expeditions had set out, and failed.

Within the ten years before the Boreal expedition, at least twenty-seven expeditions had been launched and failed.

The secret of this new rage lay in the last will and testament of Mr. Charles P. Stickney of Chicago, that king of faddists, supposed to be the richest individual who ever lived: he, just ten years before the Boreal undertaking, had died, bequeathing 175 million dollars to the man, of whatever nationality, who first reached the Pole.

The secret of this new craze was in the last will and testament of Mr. Charles P. Stickney of Chicago, the king of trends, believed to be the richest person who ever lived: he had, just ten years before the Boreal project, passed away, leaving 175 million dollars to the person, of any nationality, who first reached the Pole.

Such was the actual wording of the will—'the man who first reached': and from this loose method of designating the person intended had immediately burst forth a prolonged heat of controversy in Europe and America as to whether or no the testator meant the Chief of the first expedition which reached: but it was finally decided, on the highest legal authority, that, in any case, the actual wording of the document held good: and that it was the individual, whatever his station in the expedition, whose foot first reached the 90th degree of north latitude, who would have title to the fortune.

Such was the actual wording of the will—'the man who first reached': and from this vague way of identifying the intended person, a long debate quickly erupted in Europe and America over whether the testator meant the Chief of the first expedition that reached it. However, it was ultimately determined, based on the highest legal authority, that, in any case, the exact wording of the document was valid: and that it was the individual, regardless of their rank in the expedition, whose foot first touched the 90th degree of north latitude, who would have the claim to the fortune.

At all events, the public ferment had risen, as I say, to a pitch of positive fever; and as to the Boreal in particular, the daily progress of her preparations was minutely discussed in the newspapers, everyone was an authority on her fitting, and she was in every mouth a bet, a hope, a jest, or a sneer: for now, at last, it was felt that success was probable. So this Mackay had an acutely interested audience, if a somewhat startled, and a somewhat cynical, one.

At any rate, the public excitement had reached a level of intense anticipation; and especially regarding the Boreal, the daily updates on her preparations were closely followed in the newspapers. Everyone acted like an expert on her fitting, and she was the topic of bets, hopes, jokes, and criticisms: it was finally believed that success was likely. So this Mackay had an audience that was very interested, though somewhat surprised and a bit cynical.

A truly lion-hearted man this must have been, after all, to dare proclaim a point-of-view so at variance with the spirit of his age! One against four hundred millions, they bent one way, he the opposite, saying that they were wrong, all wrong! People used to call him 'John the Baptist Redivivus': and without doubt he did suggest something of that sort. I suppose that at the time when he had the face to denounce the Boreal there was not a sovereign on any throne in Europe who, but for shame, would have been glad of a subordinate post on board.

A truly brave man he must have been to boldly declare a perspective so different from the mindset of his time! One against four hundred million, while they all leaned one way, he stood firm in the opposite direction, declaring they were wrong, completely wrong! People used to call him 'John the Baptist Reborn,' and he certainly had a bit of that vibe. I assume that when he had the audacity to criticize the Boreal, there wasn’t a single ruler on any throne in Europe who wouldn’t have jumped at the chance for a lower-ranking position on board, if not for the embarrassment.

On the third Sunday night of his denunciation I was there in that Kensington chapel, and I heard him. And the wild talk he talked! He seemed like a man delirious with inspiration.

On the third Sunday night of his denunciation, I was at that Kensington chapel, and I heard him. And the wild talk he gave! He seemed like a man out of his mind with inspiration.

The people sat quite spell-bound, while Mackay's prophesying voice ranged up and down through all the modulations of thunder, from the hurrying mutter to the reverberant shock and climax: and those who came to scoff remained to wonder.

The crowd sat completely entranced as Mackay's prophetic voice echoed with all the tones of thunder, from the hurried murmur to the booming crash and dramatic peak: those who came to mock ended up amazed.

Put simply, what he said was this: That there was undoubtedly some sort of Fate, or Doom, connected with the Poles of the earth in reference to the human race: that man's continued failure, in spite of continual efforts, to reach them, abundantly and super-abundantly proved this; and that this failure constituted a lesson—and a warning—which the race disregarded at its peril.

Put simply, what he said was this: There was definitely some kind of Fate or Doom linked to the Poles of the Earth in relation to humanity; that mankind's ongoing failure, despite endless attempts, to reach them clearly showed this. Furthermore, this failure served as a lesson—and a warning—which the human race ignored at its own risk.

The North Pole, he said, was not so very far away, and the difficulties in the way of reaching it were not, on the face of them, so very great: human ingenuity had achieved a thousand things a thousand times more difficult; yet in spite of over half-a-dozen well-planned efforts in the nineteenth century, and thirty-one in the twentieth, man had never reached: always he had been baulked, baulked, by some seeming chance—some restraining Hand: and herein lay the lesson—herein the warning. Wonderfully—really wonderfully—like the Tree of Knowledge in Eden, he said, was that Pole: all the rest of earth lying open and offered to man—but That persistently veiled and 'forbidden.' It was as when a father lays a hand upon his son, with: 'Not here, my child; wheresoever you will—but not here.'

The North Pole, he said, wasn't that far away, and the challenges involved in getting there didn't seem all that tough: human creativity had accomplished a thousand things much harder. Yet, despite over six well-organized attempts in the nineteenth century and thirty-one in the twentieth, people had never made it there; they were always stopped by some random chance—some unseen force. And that’s where the lesson lies—that’s the warning. Remarkably—really remarkably—like the Tree of Knowledge in Eden, he said, was that Pole: everything else on Earth was open and available to humanity—but that remained stubbornly hidden and 'forbidden.' It was like when a father puts a hand on his son, saying: 'Not here, my child; anywhere you like—but not here.'

But human beings, he said, were free agents, with power to stop their ears, and turn a callous consciousness to the whispers and warning indications of Heaven; and he believed, he said, that the time was now come when man would find it absolutely in his power to stand on that 90th of latitude, and plant an impious right foot on the head of the earth—just as it had been given into the absolute power of Adam to stretch an impious right hand, and pluck of the Fruit of Knowledge; but, said he—his voice pealing now into one long proclamation of awful augury—just as the abuse of that power had been followed in the one case by catastrophe swift and universal, so, in the other, he warned the entire race to look out thenceforth for nothing from God but a lowering sky, and thundery weather.

But human beings, he said, were free agents, able to shut their ears and ignore the gentle nudges and warnings from Heaven; and he believed, he said, that the time had come when man could absolutely stand at that 90th latitude and place an irreverent right foot on the head of the earth—just as Adam had been given the power to stretch out an irreverent right hand and take from the Fruit of Knowledge; but, he said—his voice now rising into a long warning of terrible omen—just like the misuse of that power had led to a quick and universal disaster in that case, he warned all of humanity to expect nothing from God but a gloomy sky and stormy weather from now on.

The man's frantic earnestness, authoritative voice, and savage gestures, could not but have their effect upon all; as for me, I declare, I sat as though a messenger from Heaven addressed me. But I believe that I had not yet reached home, when the whole impression of the discourse had passed from me like water from a duck's back. The Prophet in the twentieth century was not a success. John Baptist himself, camel-skin and all, would have met with only tolerant shrugs. I dismissed Mackay from my mind with the thought: 'He is behind his age, I suppose.'

The man's desperate sincerity, commanding voice, and wild gestures definitely impacted everyone; as for me, I felt like I was being addressed by a messenger from Heaven. But honestly, I believe I hadn't even made it home before the entire impression of what he'd said slipped away from me like water off a duck's back. The Prophet in the twentieth century wasn't successful. Even John the Baptist, with his camel skin and all, would have only received some indifferent shrugs. I brushed Mackay out of my mind thinking, 'He's out of touch with his time, I guess.'

But haven't I thought differently of Mackay since, my God...?

But haven't I thought differently about Mackay since, my God...?


Three weeks—it was about that—before that Sunday night discourse, I was visited by Clark, the chief of the coming expedition—a mere visit of friendship. I had then been established about a year at No. II, Harley Street, and, though under twenty-five, had, I suppose, as élite a practice as any doctor in Europe.

Three weeks—it was around that time—before that Sunday night talk, Clark, the leader of the upcoming expedition, came to see me for a friendly visit. I had been set up for about a year at No. II, Harley Street, and, even though I was under twenty-five, I guess I had as exclusive a practice as any doctor in Europe.

Élite—but small. I was able to maintain my state, and move among the great: but now and again I would feel the secret pinch of moneylessness. Just about that time, in fact, I was only saved from considerable embarrassment by the success of my book, 'Applications of Science to the Arts.'

Elite—but limited. I managed to keep my status and mingle with the influential: but now and then I would feel the hidden sting of being broke. At that time, I was really rescued from a lot of awkwardness by the success of my book, 'Applications of Science to the Arts.'

In the course of conversation that afternoon, Clark said to me in his light hap-hazard way:

In the course of our conversation that afternoon, Clark casually said to me:

'Do you know what I dreamed about you last night, Adam Jeffson? I dreamed that you were with us on the expedition.'

'Do you know what I dreamed about you last night, Adam Jeffson? I dreamed that you were with us on the trip.'

I think he must have seen my start: on the same night I had myself dreamed the same thing; but not a word said I about it now. There was a stammer in my tongue when I answered:

I think he must have noticed my reaction: that same night I had dreamed about it too; but I didn’t say a word about it now. I hesitated when I replied:

'Who? I?—on the expedition?—I would not go, if I were asked.'

'Who? Me?—on the trip?—I wouldn’t go, even if I were invited.'

'Oh, you would.'

'Oh, of course you would.'

'I wouldn't. You forget that I am about to be married.'

'I wouldn’t. You forget that I’m about to get married.'

'Well, we need not discuss the point, as Peters is not going to die,' said he. 'Still, if anything did happen to him, you know, it is you I should come straight to, Adam Jeffson.'

'Well, we don’t need to talk about it, since Peters isn’t going to die,' he said. 'But if something were to happen to him, you know I would come straight to you, Adam Jeffson.'

'Clark, you jest,' I said: 'I know really very little of astronomy, or magnetic phenomena. Besides, I am about to be married....'

'Clark, you're kidding,' I said. 'I really know very little about astronomy or magnetic phenomena. Besides, I'm about to get married....'

'But what about your botany, my friend? There's what we should be wanting from you: and as for nautical astronomy, poh, a man with your scientific habit would pick all that up in no time.'

'But what about your botany, my friend? That's what we should be wanting from you: and as for nautical astronomy, please, a man with your scientific mindset would learn all that in no time.'

'You discuss the matter as gravely as though it were a possibility, Clark,' I said, smiling. 'Such a thought would never enter my head: there is, first of all, my fiancée——'

'You talk about it so seriously like it's a real possibility, Clark,' I said with a smile. 'That kind of thought would never cross my mind: there is, first of all, my fiancée——'

'Ah, the all-important Countess, eh?—Well, but she, as far as I know the lady, would be the first to force you to go. The chance of stamping one's foot on the North Pole does not occur to a man every day, my son.'

'Ah, the very important Countess, huh?—Well, as far as I know, she’d be the first to make you leave. The opportunity to stamp your foot at the North Pole doesn’t come around every day, my son.'

'Do talk of something else!' I said. 'There is Peters....'

'Please talk about something else!' I said. 'There’s Peters....'

'Well, of course, there is Peters. But believe me, the dream I had was so clear——'

'Well, of course, there’s Peters. But trust me, the dream I had was so clear——'

'Let me alone with your dreams, and your Poles!' I laughed.

'Leave me alone with your dreams and your Poles!' I laughed.

Yes, I remember: I pretended to laugh loud! But my secret heart knew, even then, that one of those crises was occurring in my life which, from my youth, has made it the most extraordinary which any creature of earth ever lived. And I knew that this was so, firstly, because of the two dreams, and secondly, because, when Clark was gone, and I was drawing on my gloves to go to see my fiancée, I heard distinctly the old two Voices talk within me: and One said: 'Go not to see her now!' and the Other: 'Yes, go, go!'

Yes, I remember: I pretended to laugh loudly! But my secret heart knew, even then, that one of those turning points was happening in my life that, since my youth, has made it the most extraordinary life any person on earth has ever lived. And I knew this was true, firstly, because of the two dreams, and secondly, because, when Clark was gone, and I was putting on my gloves to go see my fiancée, I clearly heard the old two Voices talking inside me: One said, 'Don't go see her now!' and the Other said, 'Yes, go, go!'

The two Voices of my life! An ordinary person reading my words would undoubtedly imagine that I mean only two ordinary contradictory impulses—or else that I rave: for what modern man could comprehend how real-seeming were those voices, how loud, and how, ever and again, I heard them contend within me, with a nearness 'nearer than breathing,' as it says in the poem, and 'closer than hands and feet.'

The two Voices of my life! A regular person reading my words would probably think I’m referring to just two ordinary conflicting impulses—or that I’m going crazy: because what modern person could understand how real those voices felt, how loud they were, and how time and again, I heard them argue within me, with a closeness “closer than breathing,” as it says in the poem, and “closer than hands and feet.”

About the age of seven it happened first to me. I was playing one summer evening in a pine-wood of my father's; half a mile away was a quarry-cliff; and as I played, it suddenly seemed as if someone said to me, inside of me: 'Just take a walk toward the cliff'; and as if someone else said: 'Don't go that way at all'—mere whispers then, which gradually, as I grew up, seemed to swell into cries of wrathful contention! I did go toward the cliff: it was steep, thirty feet high, and I fell. Some weeks later, on recovering speech, I told my astonished mother that 'someone had pushed me' over the edge, and that someone else 'had caught me' at the bottom!

About the age of seven, it first happened to me. I was playing one summer evening in my dad's pine forest; half a mile away was a quarry cliff. As I played, it suddenly felt like someone inside me said, "Just take a walk toward the cliff," while another voice urged, "Don't go that way at all"—just whispers at first, which gradually grew into loud arguments as I got older! I did walk toward the cliff: it was steep, thirty feet high, and I fell. A few weeks later, when I could talk again, I told my shocked mom that "someone had pushed me" over the edge and that someone else "had caught me" at the bottom!

One night, soon after my eleventh birthday, lying in bed, the thought struck me that my life must be of great importance to some thing or things which I could not see; that two Powers, which hated each other, must be continually after me, one wishing for some reason to kill me, and the other for some reason to keep me alive, one wishing me to do so and so, and the other to do the opposite; that I was not a boy like other boys, but a creature separate, special, marked for—something. Already I had notions, touches of mood, passing instincts, as occult and primitive, I verily believe, as those of the first man that stepped; so that such Biblical expressions as 'The Lord spake to So-and-so, saying' have hardly ever suggested any question in my mind as to how the Voice was heard: I did not find it so very difficult to comprehend that originally man had more ears than two; nor should have been surprised to know that I, in these latter days, more or less resembled those primeval ones.

One night, shortly after my eleventh birthday, while lying in bed, I suddenly realized that my life must be really important to some unseen force or forces; that two powers, which hated each other, were constantly after me—one wanting to kill me for some reason, and the other wanting to keep me alive for some reason, one urging me to do one thing, and the other urging me to do the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t just a boy like other boys, but instead a unique being, special, marked for—something. I already had ideas, emotional shifts, and instincts that felt as mysterious and basic as those of the first human who ever walked; so when I came across Biblical phrases like 'The Lord spoke to So-and-so, saying,' I never found it hard to question how the voice was heard. I didn’t think it was too difficult to believe that originally, humans had more than just two ears; nor would I have been surprised to learn that I, in these modern times, somewhat resembled those early humans.

But not a creature, except perhaps my mother, has ever dreamed me what I here state that I was. I seemed the ordinary youth of my time, bow in my 'Varsity eight, cramming for exams., dawdling in clubs. When I had to decide as to a profession, who could have suspected the conflict that transacted itself in my soul, while my brain was indifferent to the matter—that agony of strife with which the brawling voices shouted, the one: 'Be a scientist—a doctor,' and the other: 'Be a lawyer, an engineer, an artist—be anything but a doctor!'

But no one, except maybe my mother, has ever imagined what I’m about to share. I seemed like any regular guy of my generation, part of my college rowing team, cramming for exams, hanging out in clubs. When it came time to choose a career, who would have guessed the turmoil happening inside me, while my mind was totally indifferent? The conflicting voices were shouting at me: one was urging, 'Become a scientist—a doctor,' and the other was saying, 'Become a lawyer, an engineer, an artist—be anything but a doctor!'

A doctor I became, and went to what had grown into the greatest of medical schools—Cambridge; and there it was that I came across a man, named Scotland, who had a rather odd view of the world. He had rooms, I remember, in the New Court at Trinity, and a set of us were generally there. He was always talking about certain 'Black' and 'White Powers, till it became absurd, and the men used to call him 'black-and-white-mystery-man,' because, one day, when someone said something about 'the black mystery of the universe,' Scotland interrupted him with the words: 'the black-and-white mystery.'

I became a doctor and attended what had developed into one of the best medical schools—Cambridge. It was there that I met a guy named Scotland, who had a pretty unusual view of the world. He had a room, if I remember correctly, in the New Court at Trinity, and a group of us would usually hang out there. He was always talking about certain 'Black' and 'White Powers' until it got ridiculous, and the guys started calling him the 'black-and-white-mystery-man.' This nickname came about because one day, when someone mentioned 'the black mystery of the universe,' Scotland jumped in and said, 'the black-and-white mystery.'

Quite well I remember Scotland now—the sweetest, gentle soul he was, with a passion for cats, and Sappho, and the Anthology, very short in stature, with a Roman nose, continually making the effort to keep his neck straight, and draw his paunch in. He used to say that the universe was being frantically contended for by two Powers: a White and a Black; that the White was the stronger, but did not find the conditions on our particular planet very favourable to his success; that he had got the best of it up to the Middle Ages in Europe, but since then had been slowly and stubbornly giving way before the Black; and that finally the Black would win—not everywhere perhaps, but here—and would carry off, if no other earth, at least this one, for his prize.

Quite well I remember Scotland now—the sweetest, gentlest soul he was, with a passion for cats, Sappho, and the Anthology. He was short in stature, with a Roman nose, constantly trying to keep his neck straight and suck in his stomach. He used to say that the universe was fiercely contested by two Powers: one White and one Black; that the White was stronger but didn’t find the conditions on our planet very favorable for success; that it had the advantage up until the Middle Ages in Europe, but since then had been slowly and stubbornly giving way to the Black; and that ultimately the Black would win—not everywhere perhaps, but here—and would carry off, if no other earth, at least this one, for his prize.

This was Scotland's doctrine, which he never tired of repeating; and while others heard him with mere toleration, little could they divine with what agony of inward interest, I, cynically smiling there, drank in his words. Most profound, most profound, was the impression they made upon me.

This was Scotland's belief, which he never got tired of repeating; and while others listened to him with just mild tolerance, they couldn't imagine the deep emotional struggle I felt as I sat there cynically smiling, absorbing his words. The impact they had on me was incredibly strong, incredibly strong.


But I was saying that when Clark left me, I was drawing on my gloves to go to see my fiancée, the Countess Clodagh, when I heard the two voices most clearly.

But I was saying that when Clark left me, I was putting on my gloves to go see my fiancée, the Countess Clodagh, when I heard the two voices most clearly.

Sometimes the urgency of one or other impulse is so overpowering, that there is no resisting it: and it was so then with the one that bid me go.

Sometimes the urgency of one impulse or another is so overpowering that there’s no resisting it; and that’s how it was for me with the one that urged me to go.

I had to traverse the distance between Harley Street and Hanover Square, and all the time it was as though something shouted at my physical ear: 'Since you go, breathe no word of the Boreal, and Clark's visit'; and another shout: 'Tell, tell, hide nothing!'

I had to travel from Harley Street to Hanover Square, and the whole time it felt like something was yelling in my ear: 'Since you're going, don't breathe a word about the Boreal or Clark's visit'; and another voice shouted: 'Speak up, don’t hide anything!'

It seemed to last a month: yet it was only some minutes before I was in Hanover Square, and Clodagh in my arms.

It felt like it lasted a month, but it was only a few minutes before I was in Hanover Square, holding Clodagh in my arms.

She was, in my opinion, the most superb of creatures, Clodagh—that haughty neck which seemed always scorning something just behind her left shoulder. Superb! but ah—I know it now—a godless woman, Clodagh, a bitter heart.

She was, in my opinion, the most amazing of creatures, Clodagh—that proud neck which always seemed to look down on something just behind her left shoulder. Amazing! But oh—I realize it now—a godless woman, Clodagh, a bitter heart.

Clodagh once confessed to me that her favourite character in history was Lucrezia Borgia, and when she saw my horror, immediately added: 'Well, no, I am only joking!' Such was her duplicity: for I see now that she lived in the constant effort to hide her heinous heart from me. Yet, now I think of it, how completely did Clodagh enthral me!

Clodagh once told me that her favorite historical figure was Lucrezia Borgia, and when she saw my shock, she quickly added, "Well, I'm just joking!" That was her way: I realize now that she was always trying to conceal her dark nature from me. Yet, when I think back, how completely Clodagh captivated me!

Our proposed marriage was opposed by both my family and hers: by mine, because her father and grandfather had died in lunatic asylums; and by hers, because, forsooth, I was neither a rich nor a noble match. A sister of hers, much older than herself, had married a common country doctor, Peters of Taunton, and this so-called mésalliance made the so-called mésalliance with me doubly detestable in the eyes of her relatives. But Clodagh's extraordinary passion for me was to be stemmed neither by their threats nor prayers. What a flame, after all, was Clodagh! Sometimes she frightened me.

Our proposed marriage was opposed by both my family and hers: mine, because her father and grandfather had died in psychiatric hospitals; and hers, because I wasn’t a rich or noble match. One of her older sisters had married a common country doctor, Peters from Taunton, and this so-called mésalliance made the so-called mésalliance with me even more detestable in her relatives' eyes. But Clodagh's intense passion for me couldn’t be swayed by their threats or prayers. What a fire Clodagh was! Sometimes she scared me.

She was at this date no longer young, being by five years my senior, as also, by five years, the senior of her nephew, born from the marriage of her sister with Peters of Taunton. This nephew was Peter Peters, who was to accompany the Boreal expedition as doctor, botanist, and meteorological assistant.

She was no longer young at this point, being five years older than me and also five years older than her nephew, who was born from her sister's marriage to Peters of Taunton. This nephew was Peter Peters, who was set to join the Boreal expedition as a doctor, botanist, and meteorological assistant.

On that day of Clark's visit to me I had not been seated five minutes with Clodagh, when I said:

On the day Clark came to see me, I had only been sitting with Clodagh for five minutes when I said:

'Dr. Clark—ha! ha! ha!—has been talking to me about the Expedition. He says that if anything happened to Peters, I should be the first man he would run to. He has had an absurd dream...'

'Dr. Clark—ha! ha! ha!—has been talking to me about the Expedition. He says that if anything happened to Peters, I would be the first person he would come to. He had a ridiculous dream...'

The consciousness that filled me as I uttered these words was the wickedness of me—the crooked wickedness. But I could no more help it than I could fly.

The awareness that filled me as I said these words was my wickedness—the twisted wickedness. But I couldn't help it any more than I could fly.

Clodagh was standing at a window holding a rose at her face. For quite a minute she made no reply. I saw her sharp-cut, florid face in profile, steadily bent and smelling. She said presently in her cold, rapid way:

Clodagh was standing by a window, holding a rose up to her face. For a full minute, she didn’t respond. I could see her defined, flushed face in profile, focused and inhaling the scent. She finally spoke in her cool, quick manner:

'The man who first plants his foot on the North Pole will certainly be ennobled. I say nothing of the many millions... I only wish that I was a man!'

'The guy who first sets foot on the North Pole will definitely be honored. I'm not even talking about the millions... I just wish I were a man!'

'I don't know that I have any special ambition that way,' I rejoined. 'I am very happy in my warm Eden with my Clodagh. I don't like the outer Cold.'

'I don't think I have any particular ambition in that sense,' I replied. 'I’m very content in my cozy paradise with my Clodagh. I don't like the harsh outside world.'

'Don't let me think little of you!' she answered pettishly.

"Don't make me think poorly of you!" she replied irritably.

'Why should you, Clodagh? I am not bound to desire to go to the North Pole, am I?'

'Why should you, Clodagh? I’m not obligated to want to go to the North Pole, am I?'

'But you would go, I suppose, if you could?'

'But you would go, I guess, if you could?'

'I might—I—doubt it. There is our marriage....'

'I might—I—doubt it. There is our marriage....'

'Marriage indeed! It is the one thing to transform our marriage from a sneaking difficulty to a ten times triumphant event.'

'Marriage, really! It’s the one thing that can turn our relationship from a hidden struggle into a huge celebration.'

'You mean if I personally were the first to stand at the Pole. But there are many in an expedition. It is very unlikely that I, personally—'

'You mean if I were the first one to stand at the Pole. But there are a lot of people in an expedition. It's very unlikely that I, personally—'

'For me you will, Adam—' she began.

'For me, you will, Adam—' she began.

'"Will," Clodagh?' I cried. 'You say "will"? there is not even the slightest shadow of a probability—!'

'"Will," Clodagh?' I cried. 'You say "will"? There isn’t even the slightest chance—!'

'But why? There are still three weeks before the start. They say...'

'But why? There are still three weeks until it starts. They say...'

She stopped, she stopped.

She paused, she paused.

'They say what?'

'What do they say?'

Her voice dropped:

Her voice lowered:

'That Peter takes atropine.'

'Peter is taking atropine.'

Ah, I started then. She moved from the window, sat in a rocking-chair, and turned the leaves of a book, without reading. We were silent, she and I; I standing, looking at her, she drawing the thumb across the leaf-edges, and beginning again, contemplatively. Then she laughed dryly a little—a dry, mad laugh.

Ah, I started then. She moved away from the window, sat in a rocking chair, and flipped through the pages of a book without actually reading it. We were silent, just the two of us; I was standing there, watching her, while she ran her thumb across the edges of the pages and started over, deep in thought. Then she let out a dry little laugh—a dry, crazy laugh.

'Why did you start when I said that?' she asked, reading now at random.

'Why did you start when I said that?' she asked, now flipping through pages randomly.

'I! I did not start, Clodagh! What made you think that I started? I did not start! Who told you, Clodagh, that Peters takes atropine?'

'I! I didn't start it, Clodagh! What made you think I did? I did not start it! Who told you, Clodagh, that Peters is taking atropine?'

'He is my nephew: I should know. But don't look dumbfoundered in that absurd fashion: I have no intention of poisoning him in order to see you a multimillionaire, and a Peer of the Realm....'

'He is my nephew: I should know. But don’t look so shocked in that ridiculous way: I don't plan on poisoning him to make you a multimillionaire and a lord....'

'My dearest Clodagh!'

'My dear Clodagh!'

'I easily might, however. He will be here presently. He is bringing Mr. Wilson for the evening.' (Wilson was going as electrician of the expedition.)

'I could easily, though. He'll be here soon. He’s bringing Mr. Wilson for the evening.' (Wilson was going as the electrician for the expedition.)

'Clodagh.' I said, 'believe me, you jest in a manner which does not please me.'

'Clodagh,' I said, 'trust me, you're joking in a way that doesn't sit well with me.'

'Do I really?' she answered with that haughty, stiff half-turn of her throat: 'then I must be more exquisite. But, thank Heaven, it is only a jest. Women are no longer admired for doing such things.'

'Do I really?' she replied with that arrogant, rigid half-turn of her neck: 'then I must be more exquisite. But, thank God, it's just a joke. Women aren't admired for doing things like that anymore.'

'Ha! ha! ha!—no—no longer admired, Clodagh! Oh, my good Lord! let us change this talk....'

'Ha! ha! ha!—no—no longer admired, Clodagh! Oh, my gosh! let’s change this conversation....'

But now she could talk of nothing else. She got from me that afternoon the history of all the Polar expeditions of late years, how far they reached, by what aids, and why they failed. Her eyes shone; she listened eagerly. Before this time, indeed, she had been interested in the Boreal, knew the details of her outfitting, and was acquainted with several members of the expedition. But now, suddenly, her mind seemed wholly possessed, my mention of Clark's visit apparently setting her well a-burn with the Pole-fever.

But now she could talk about nothing else. That afternoon, I shared with her the history of all the recent Polar expeditions—the distances they traveled, the resources they used, and the reasons for their failures. Her eyes lit up; she listened with enthusiasm. Before this, she had already shown interest in the Boreal, knew the details of its preparation, and was familiar with several members of the expedition. But now, it seemed like her mind was completely taken over, and my mention of Clark's visit clearly ignited her passion for the Pole.

The passion of her kiss as I tore myself from her embrace that day I shall not forget. I went home with a pretty heavy heart.

The intensity of her kiss as I pulled away from her hug that day will stay with me forever. I went home feeling pretty heartbroken.

The house of Dr. Peter Peters was three doors from mine, on the opposite side of the street. Toward one that night, his footman ran to knock me up with the news that Peters was very ill. I hurried to his bed-side, and knew by the first glance at his deliriums and his staring pupils that he was poisoned with atropine. Wilson, the electrician, who had passed the evening with him at Clodagh's in Hanover Square, was there.

The house of Dr. Peter Peters was three doors down from mine, on the other side of the street. Around one that night, his footman ran to wake me with the news that Peters was very sick. I rushed to his bedside and immediately realized from his delirium and dilated pupils that he had been poisoned with atropine. Wilson, the electrician, who had spent the evening with him at Clodagh's in Hanover Square, was there.

'What on earth is the matter?' he said to me.

'What's going on?' he said to me.

'Poisoned,' I answered.

'Poisoned,' I replied.

'Good God! what with?'

'Oh my God! What for?'

'Atropine.'

'Atropine.'

'Good Heavens!'

'Oh my gosh!'

'Don't be frightened: I think he will recover.'

'Don’t be scared: I think he will get better.'

'Is that certain?'

'Is that for sure?'

'Yes, I think—that is, if he leaves off taking the drug, Wilson.'

'Yes, I think—if he stops taking the drug, Wilson.'

'What! it is he who has poisoned himself?'

'What! Is he the one who has poisoned himself?'

I hesitated, I hesitated. But I said:

I paused, I paused. But I said:

'He is in the habit of taking atropine, Wilson.'

'He's in the habit of taking atropine, Wilson.'

Three hours I remained there, and, God knows, toiled hard for his life: and when I left him in the dark of the fore-day, my mind was at rest: he would recover.

I stayed there for three hours, and honestly, I worked hard to save his life. When I finally left him in the early morning darkness, I felt at peace: he would be okay.

I slept till 11 A.M., and then hurried over again to Peters. In the room were my two nurses, and Clodagh.

I slept until 11 A.M., and then quickly went back to Peters. In the room were my two nurses and Clodagh.

My beloved put her forefinger to her lips, whispering:

My darling placed her finger to her lips, whispering:

'Sh-h-h! he is asleep....'

'Shh! He’s asleep....'

She came closer to my ear, saying:

She leaned in closer to my ear and said:

'I heard the news early. I am come to stay with him, till—the last....'

'I heard the news early. I've come to stay with him until—the end....'

We looked at each other some time—eye to eye, steadily, she and I: but mine dropped before Clodagh's. A word was on my mouth to say, but I said nothing.

We stared at each other for a while—eye to eye, steadily, she and I: but I looked away from Clodagh's gaze. There was something I wanted to say, but I stayed silent.

The recovery of Peters was not so steady as I had expected. At the end of the first week he was still prostrate. It was then that I said to Clodagh:

The recovery of Peters wasn’t as steady as I thought it would be. By the end of the first week, he was still flat on his back. That’s when I said to Clodagh:

'Clodagh, your presence at the bed-side here somehow does not please me. It is so unnecessary.'

'Clodagh, having you here by the bedside really doesn’t please me. It’s completely unnecessary.'

'Unnecessary certainly,' she replied: 'but I always had a genius for nursing, and a passion for watching the battles of the body. Since no one objects, why should you?'

'Unnecessary, for sure,' she replied. 'But I've always had a knack for nursing and a passion for observing the struggles of the body. Since no one minds, why should you?'

'Ah!... I don't know. This is a case that I dislike. I have half a mind to throw it to the devil.'

'Ah!... I don’t know. This is a situation that I really dislike. I’m half tempted to just toss it aside.'

'Then do so.'

'Then go ahead.'

'And you, too—go home, go home, Clodagh!'

'And you, too—go home, go home, Clodagh!'

'But why?—if one does no harm. In these days of "the corruption of the upper classes," and Roman decadence of everything, shouldn't every innocent whim be encouraged by you upright ones who strive against the tide? Whims are the brakes of crimes: and this is mine. I find a sensuous pleasure, almost a sensual, in dabbling in delicate drugs—like Helen, for that matter, and Medea, and Calypso, and the great antique women, who were all excellent chymists. To study the human ship in a gale, and the slow drama of its foundering—isn't that a quite thrilling distraction? And I want you to get into the habit at once of letting me have my little way——'

'But why?—if it doesn’t harm anyone. In these days of “the corruption of the upper classes,” and the Roman decay of everything, shouldn’t every innocent desire be supported by you upright individuals who go against the flow? Whims are the brakes on crimes: and this is mine. I find a sensory pleasure, almost a sensual enjoyment, in experimenting with delicate drugs—just like Helen, Medea, Calypso, and other great women from antiquity, who were all skilled alchemists. Observing the human ship in a storm and the slow drama of its sinking—isn’t that a pretty exciting distraction? And I want you to start getting used to letting me have my little way——'

Now she touched my hair with a lofty playfulness that soothed me: but even then I looked upon the rumpled bed, and saw that the man there was really very sick.

Now she touched my hair with a lightheartedness that calmed me: but even then, I looked at the messy bed and realized that the man there was truly very sick.

I have still a nausea to write about it! Lucrezia Borgia in her own age may have been heroic: but Lucrezia in this late century! One could retch up the heart...

I still feel sick thinking about it! Lucrezia Borgia might have been heroic in her time, but Lucrezia in this modern age? It's enough to make you want to throw up...

The man grew sick on that bed, I say. The second week passed, and only ten days remained before the start of the expedition.

The man got sick in that bed, I tell you. The second week went by, and only ten days were left before the expedition began.

At the end of that second week, Wilson, the electrician, was one evening sitting by Peter's bedside when I entered.

At the end of that second week, Wilson, the electrician, was one evening sitting by Peter's bedside when I walked in.

At the moment, Clodagh was about to administer a dose to Peters; but seeing me, she put down the medicine-glass on the night table, and came toward me; and as she came, I saw a sight which stabbed me: for Wilson took up the deposited medicine-glass, elevated it, looked at it, smelled into it: and he did it with a kind of hurried, light-fingered stealth; and he did it with an under-look, and a meaningness of expression which, I thought, proved mistrust....

At that moment, Clodagh was about to give Peters a dose; but when she noticed me, she set the medicine glass down on the nightstand and walked over. As she approached, I saw something that shocked me: Wilson picked up the glass she had left, held it up, looked at it, and sniffed it. He did it with a sort of rushed, sneaky quickness, and the way he acted had a suspicious look and expression that, to me, indicated mistrust...

Meantime, Clark came each day. He had himself a medical degree, and about this time I called him in professionally, together with Alleyne of Cavendish Square, to consultation over Peters. The patient lay in a semi-coma broken by passionate vomitings, and his condition puzzled us all. I formally stated that he took atropine—had been originally poisoned by atropine: but we saw that his present symptoms were not atropine symptoms, but, it almost seemed, of some other vegetable poison, which we could not precisely name.

Meantime, Clark came in every day. He had a medical degree, and around this time I brought him in for a consultation, along with Alleyne from Cavendish Square, to discuss Peters. The patient was in a semi-coma, interrupted by violent bouts of vomiting, and his condition confused us all. I clearly indicated that he had taken atropine — that he had originally been poisoned by atropine: but we noticed that his current symptoms were not the typical effects of atropine; rather, they seemed to suggest some other plant-based poison that we couldn’t exactly identify.

'Mysterious thing,' said Clark to me, when we were alone.

'Mysterious thing,' Clark said to me when we were alone.

'I don't understand it,' I said.

"I don't get it," I said.

'Who are the two nurses?'

'Who are the two nurses?'

'Oh, highly recommended people of my own.'

'Oh, people I definitely recommend.'

'At any rate, my dream about you comes true, Jeffson. It is clear that Peters is out of the running now.'

'In any case, my dream about you is coming true, Jeffson. It's obvious that Peters is no longer in the competition now.'

I shrugged.

I just shrugged.

'I now formally invite you to join the expedition,' said Clark: 'do you consent?'

"I'd like to officially invite you to join the expedition," said Clark. "Do you agree?"

I shrugged again.

I shrugged once more.

'Well, if that means consent,' he said, 'let me remind you that you have only eight days, and all the world to do in them.'

'Well, if that means consent,' he said, 'let me remind you that you have only eight days, and the whole world to work with in that time.'

This conversation occurred in the dining-room of Peters' house: and as we passed through the door, I saw Clodagh gliding down the passage outside—rapidly—away from us.

This conversation took place in the dining room of Peter's house, and as we walked through the door, I noticed Clodagh moving quickly down the hallway outside—away from us.

Not a word I said to her that day about Clark's invitation. Yet I asked myself repeatedly: Did she not know of it? Had she not listened, and heard?

Not a word I said to her that day about Clark's invitation. Yet I asked myself repeatedly: Didn't she know about it? Hadn't she listened and heard?

However that was, about midnight, to my great surprise, Peters opened his eyes, and smiled. By noon the next day, his fine vitality, which so fitted him for an Arctic expedition, had re-asserted itself. He was then leaning on an elbow, talking to Wilson, and except his pallor, and strong stomach-pains, there was now hardly a trace of his late approach to death. For the pains I prescribed some quarter-grain tablets of sulphate of morphia, and went away.

However that was, around midnight, to my great surprise, Peters opened his eyes and smiled. By noon the next day, his impressive vitality, which suited him so well for an Arctic expedition, had returned. He was then propped up on an elbow, chatting with Wilson, and aside from his pale complexion and severe stomach pains, there was now hardly any evidence of his recent brush with death. For the pains, I prescribed some quarter-grain tablets of morphine sulfate and then left.

Now, David Wilson and I never greatly loved each other, and that very day he brought about a painful situation as between Peters and me, by telling Peters that I had taken his place in the expedition. Peters, a touchy fellow, at once dictated a letter of protest to Clark; and Clark sent Peters' letter to me, marked with a big note of interrogation in blue pencil.

Now, David Wilson and I never really loved each other, and that very day he created a painful situation between Peters and me by telling Peters that I had taken his spot in the expedition. Peters, a sensitive guy, immediately dictated a letter of protest to Clark; and Clark sent me Peters' letter, marked with a big question mark in blue pencil.

Now, all Peters' preparations were made, mine not; and he had six days in which to recover himself. I therefore wrote to Clark, saying that the changed circumstances of course annulled my acceptance of his offer, though I had already incurred the inconvenience of negotiating with a locum tenens.

Now, all of Peter's preparations were complete, but mine weren't; and he had six days to get himself together. So, I wrote to Clark, stating that the new circumstances obviously canceled my acceptance of his offer, even though I had already gone through the hassle of making arrangements with a locum tenens.

This decided it: Peters was to go, I stay. The fifth day before the departure dawned. It was a Friday, the 15th June. Peters was now in an arm-chair. He was cheerful, but with a fevered pulse, and still the stomach-pains. I was giving him three quarter-grains of morphia a day. That Friday night, at 11 P.M., I visited him, and found Clodagh there, talking to him. Peters was smoking a cigar.

This settled it: Peters was leaving, I was staying. The fifth day before departure arrived. It was a Friday, June 15th. Peters was now seated in an armchair. He seemed happy, but had a racing pulse and still experienced stomach pains. I was giving him three-quarters of a grain of morphine daily. That Friday night, at 11 P.M., I went to see him and found Clodagh there, talking to him. Peters was smoking a cigar.

'Ah,' Clodagh said, 'I was waiting for you, Adam. I didn't know whether I was to inject anything to-night. Is it Yes or No?'

'Ah,' Clodagh said, 'I was waiting for you, Adam. I didn't know if I should inject anything tonight. Is it a Yes or a No?'

'What do you think, Peters?' I said: 'any more pains?'

'What do you think, Peters?' I asked. 'Any more discomfort?'

'Well, perhaps you had better give us another quarter,' he answered: 'there's still some trouble in the tummy off and on.'

'Well, maybe you should give us another quarter,' he replied, 'there's still some discomfort in the stomach now and then.'

'A quarter-grain, then, Clodagh, 'I said.

'A quarter-grain, then, Clodagh,' I said.

As she opened the syringe-box, she remarked with a pout:

As she opened the syringe box, she said with a pout:

'Our patient has been naughty! He has taken some more atropine.'

'Our patient has been misbehaving! He has taken more atropine.'

I became angry at once.

I got furious right away.

'Peters,' I cried, 'you know you have no right to be doing things like that without consulting me! Do that once more, and I swear I have nothing further to do with you!'

'Peters,' I yelled, 'you know you can't just do things like that without talking to me first! If you do it again, I promise I'm done with you!'

'Rubbish,' said Peters: 'why all this unnecessary heat? It was a mere flea-bite. I felt that I needed it.'

'Rubbish,' said Peters. 'Why all this unnecessary fuss? It was just a minor annoyance. I felt it was necessary.'

'He injected it with his own hand...' remarked Clodagh.

'He injected it himself...' remarked Clodagh.

She was now standing at the mantel-piece, having lifted the syringe-box from the night-table, taken from its velvet lining both the syringe and the vial containing the morphia tablets, and gone to the mantel-piece to melt one of the tablets in a little of the distilled water there. Her back was turned upon us, and she was a long time. I was standing; Peters in his arm-chair, smoking. Clodagh then began to talk about a Charity Bazaar which she had visited that afternoon.

She was now standing at the mantel, having taken the syringe box from the nightstand, removed both the syringe and the vial of morphine tablets from its velvet lining, and gone to the mantel to dissolve one of the tablets in some distilled water there. Her back was to us, and she took a long time. I was standing; Peters was in his armchair, smoking. Clodagh then started talking about a charity bazaar she had attended that afternoon.

She was long, she was long. The crazy thought passed through some dim region of my soul: 'Why is she so long?'

She was long, she was long. A wild thought crossed a shadowy part of my mind: 'Why is she so long?'

'Ah, that was a pain!' went Peters: 'never mind the bazaar, aunt—think of the morphia.'

'Ah, that was a hassle!' said Peters. 'Forget about the bazaar, aunt—think about the morphine.'

Suddenly an irresistible impulse seized me—to rush upon her, to dash syringe, tabloids, glass, and all, from her hands. I must have obeyed it—I was on the tip-top point of obeying—my body already leant prone: but at that instant a voice at the opened door behind me said:

Suddenly, an overwhelming urge took hold of me—to charge at her, to knock the syringe, tabloids, glass, and everything else out of her hands. I had to follow it—I was about to act on it—my body was already leaning forward: but just then, a voice at the open door behind me said:

'Well, how is everything?'

'So, how's everything going?'

It was Wilson, the electrician, who stood there. With lightning swiftness I remembered an under-look of mistrust which I had once seen on his face. Oh, well, I would not, and could not!—she was my love—I stood like marble...

It was Wilson, the electrician, who was standing there. In a flash, I recalled a hint of mistrust I had once seen on his face. Oh, well, I wouldn’t, and couldn’t!—she was my love—I stood there like a statue...

Clodagh went to meet Wilson with frank right hand, in the left being the fragile glass containing the injection. My eyes were fastened on her face: it was full of reassurance, of free innocence. I said to myself: 'I must surely be mad!'

Clodagh went to meet Wilson with her right hand openly extended, while her left held the delicate glass containing the injection. I couldn’t take my eyes off her face; it radiated reassurance and pure innocence. I thought to myself, 'I must be crazy!'

An ordinary chat began, while Clodagh turned up Peters' sleeve, and, kneeling there, injected his fore-arm. As she rose, laughing at something said by Wilson, the drug-glass dropped from her hand, and her heel, by an apparent accident, trod on it. She put the syringe among a number of others on the mantel-piece.

An everyday conversation started while Clodagh rolled up Peters' sleeve and, kneeling down, injected his forearm. As she stood up, laughing at something Wilson said, the drug glass slipped from her hand, and by what seemed like an accident, her heel stepped on it. She placed the syringe among several others on the mantelpiece.

'Your friend has been naughty, Mr. Wilson,' she said again with that same pout: 'he has been taking more atropine.'

'Your friend has been acting up, Mr. Wilson,' she said again with that same pout: 'he's been taking more atropine.'

'Not really?' said Wilson.

"Seriously?" said Wilson.

'Let me alone, the whole of you,' answered Peters: 'I ain't a child.'

'Leave me alone, all of you,' replied Peters. 'I’m not a kid.'

These were the last intelligible words he ever spoke. He died shortly before 1 A.M. He had been poisoned by a powerful dose of atropine.

These were the last clear words he ever said. He died shortly before 1 A.M. He had been poisoned by a strong dose of atropine.

From that moment to the moment when the Boreal bore me down the Thames, all the world was a mere tumbling nightmare to me, of which hardly any detail remains in my memory. Only I remember the inquest, and how I was called upon to prove that Peters had himself injected himself with atropine. This was corroborated by Wilson, and by Clodagh: and the verdict was in accordance.

From that moment until the time the Boreal took me down the Thames, everything felt like a chaotic nightmare to me, and I barely remember any details. The only thing I recall is the inquest and how I had to show that Peters had injected himself with atropine. This was confirmed by Wilson and Clodagh, and the verdict reflected that.

And in all that chaotic hurry of preparation, three other things only, but those with clear distinctness now, I remember.

And in all that crazy rush of getting ready, I remember three other things clearly now.

The first—and chief—is that tempest of words which I heard at Kensington from that big-mouthed Mackay on the Sunday night. What was it that led me, busy as I was, to that chapel that night? Well, perhaps I know.

The first—and most important—is that whirlwind of words I heard at Kensington from that loudmouth Mackay on Sunday night. What made me go to that chapel that night, even though I was busy? Well, maybe I do know.

There I sat, and heard him: and most strangely have those words of his peroration planted themselves in my brain, when, rising to a passion of prophecy, he shouted: 'And as in the one case, transgression was followed by catastrophe swift and universal, so, in the other, I warn the entire race to look out thenceforth for nothing from God but a lowering sky, and thundery weather.'

There I sat, listening to him, and his words from that final speech strangely stuck in my mind. As he reached a passionate point of prophecy, he shouted: 'Just as in the first case, wrongdoing led to a rapid and widespread disaster, so I warn all of humanity to expect nothing from God but dark clouds and stormy weather from now on.'

And this second thing I remember: that on reaching home, I walked into my disordered library (for I had had to hunt out some books), where I met my housekeeper in the act of rearranging things. She had apparently lifted an old Bible by the front cover to fling it on the table, for as I threw myself into a chair my eye fell upon the open print near the beginning. The print was very large, and a shaded lamp cast a light upon it. I had been hearing Mackay's wild comparison of the Pole with the tree of Eden, and that no doubt was the reason why such a start convulsed me: for my listless eyes had chanced to rest upon some words.

And this second thing I remember: when I got home, I walked into my messy library (because I had to search for some books), where I found my housekeeper in the middle of organizing things. She seemed to have picked up an old Bible by the front cover to toss it on the table, and as I sank into a chair, my gaze landed on the open page near the start. The print was really big, and a shaded lamp illuminated it. I had just been listening to Mackay's wild comparison of the Pole to the tree of Eden, and that probably made me react so strongly: my distracted eyes had happened to focus on some words.

'The woman gave me of the tree, and I did eat....'

'The woman gave me the fruit from the tree, and I ate it....'

And a third thing I remember in all that turmoil of doubt and flurry: that as the ship moved down with the afternoon tide a telegram was put into my hand; it was a last word from Clodagh; and she said only this:

And a third thing I remember in all that chaos of uncertainty and activity: as the ship drifted down with the afternoon tide, a telegram was handed to me; it was a final message from Clodagh, and she said only this:

'Be first—for Me.'

'Be first—for me.'


The Boreal left St. Katherine's Docks in beautiful weather on the afternoon of the 19th June, full of good hope, bound for the Pole.

The Boreal departed from St. Katherine's Docks in lovely weather on the afternoon of June 19th, filled with optimism, heading to the Pole.

All about the docks was one region of heads stretched far in innumerable vagueness, and down the river to Woolwich a continuous dull roar and murmur of bees droned from both banks to cheer our departure.

All around the docks was a stretch of heads extending out endlessly, and down the river to Woolwich, a continuous low roar and buzz of bees droned from both banks to celebrate our departure.

The expedition was partly a national affair, subvented by Government: and if ever ship was well-found it was the Boreal. She had a frame tougher far than any battle-ship's, capable of ramming some ten yards of drift-ice; and she was stuffed with sufficient pemmican, codroe, fish-meal, and so on, to last us not less than six years.

The expedition was partly a national project, funded by the Government: and if any ship was well-equipped, it was the Boreal. She had a frame much tougher than any battleship, capable of breaking through about ten yards of drift ice; and she was stocked with enough pemmican, cod roe, fish meal, and so on, to last us at least six years.

We were seventeen, all told, the five Heads (so to speak) of the undertaking being Clark (our Chief), John Mew (commander), Aubrey Maitland (meteorologist), Wilson (electrician), and myself (doctor, botanist, and assistant meteorologist).

We were a total of seventeen, with the five leaders (so to speak) of the project being Clark (our chief), John Mew (commander), Aubrey Maitland (meteorologist), Wilson (electrician), and me (doctor, botanist, and assistant meteorologist).

The idea was to get as far east as the 100°, or the 120°, of longitude; to catch there the northern current; to push and drift our way northward; and when the ship could no further penetrate, to leave her (either three, or else four, of us, on ski), and with sledges drawn by dogs and reindeer make a dash for the Pole.

The plan was to travel as far east as the 100° or 120° longitude; to catch the northern current there; to make our way northward by pushing and drifting; and when the ship couldn't go any further, to leave her with three or four of us on skis, and with sledges pulled by dogs and reindeer make a run for the Pole.

This had also been the plan of the last expedition—that of the Nix—and of several others. The Boreal only differed from the Nix, and others, in that she was a thing of nicer design, and of more exquisite forethought.

This had also been the plan of the last expedition—that of the Nix—and several others. The Boreal only differed from the Nix and the others in that it was designed with greater care and more refined consideration.

Our voyage was without incident up to the end of July, when we encountered a drift of ice-floes. On the 1st August we were at Kabarova, where we met our coal-ship, and took in a little coal for emergency, liquid air being our proper motor; also forty-three dogs, four reindeer, and a quantity of reindeer-moss; and two days later we turned our bows finally northward and eastward, passing through heavy 'slack' ice under sail and liquid air in crisp weather, till, on the 27th August, we lay moored to a floe off the desolate island of Taimur.

Our journey went smoothly until the end of July, when we came across some drifting ice floes. On August 1st, we reached Kabarova, where we met our coal ship and took on a small supply of coal for emergencies, since liquid air was our main fuel. We also acquired forty-three dogs, four reindeer, and a supply of reindeer moss. Two days later, we headed north and east, sailing through thick 'slack' ice in clear weather, until we finally anchored off the remote island of Taimur on August 27th.

The first thing which we saw here was a bear on the shore, watching for young white-fish: and promptly Clark, Mew, and Lamburn (engineer) went on shore in the launch, I and Maitland following in the pram, each party with three dogs.

The first thing we spotted here was a bear on the shore, looking for young whitefish. Immediately, Clark, Mew, and Lamburn (the engineer) went ashore in the launch, while Maitland and I followed in the pram, each group accompanied by three dogs.

It was while climbing away inland that Maitland said to me:

It was while heading further inland that Maitland said to me:

'When Clark leaves the ship for the dash to the Pole, it is three, not two, of us, after all, that he is going to take with him, making a party of four.'

'When Clark leaves the ship for the dash to the Pole, it’s three, not two, of us, after all, that he’s going to take with him, making a party of four.'

I: 'Is that so? Who knows?'

'I': 'Really? Who knows?'

Maitland: 'Wilson does. Clark has let it out in conversation with Wilson.'

Maitland: 'Wilson does. Clark mentioned it in a conversation with Wilson.'

I: 'Well, the more the merrier. Who will be the three?'

I: 'Well, the more, the merrier. Who will be the three?'

Maitland: 'Wilson is sure to be in it, and there may be Mew, making the third. As to the fourth, I suppose I shall get left out in the cold.'

Maitland: 'Wilson will definitely be included, and Mew might join as the third. As for the fourth, I guess I will end up being left out.'

I: 'More likely I.'

"I probably will."

Maitland: 'Well, the race is between us four: Wilson, Mew, you and I. It is a question of physical fitness combined with special knowledge. You are too lucky a dog to get left out, Jeffson.'

Maitland: 'So, it’s a competition between the four of us: Wilson, Mew, you, and me. It comes down to being physically fit plus having some special knowledge. You’re way too lucky to be excluded, Jeffson.'

I: 'Well, what does it matter, so long as the expedition as a whole is successful? That is the main thing.'

I: 'Well, does it really matter, as long as the whole expedition is a success? That’s what really counts.'

Maitland: 'Oh yes, that's all very fine talk, Jeffson! But is it quite sincere? Isn't it rather a pose to affect to despise $175,000,000? I want to be in at the death, and I mean to be, if I can. We are all more or less self-interested.'

Maitland: "Oh sure, that's all nice talk, Jeffson! But is it really sincere? Isn’t it just an act to pretend to look down on $175,000,000? I want to be part of the ending, and I plan to be, if I can. We’re all a bit selfish."

'Look,' I whispered—'a bear.'

"Look," I whispered—"a bear."

It was a mother and cub: and with determined trudge she came wagging her low head, having no doubt smelled the dogs. We separated on the instant, doubling different ways behind ice-boulders, wanting her to go on nearer the shore, before killing; but, passing close, she spied, and bore down at a trot upon me. I fired into her neck, and at once, with a roar, she turned tail, making now straight in Maitland's direction. I saw him run out from cover some hundred yards away, aiming his long-gun: but no report followed: and in half a minute he was under her fore-paws, she striking out slaps at the barking, shrinking dogs. Maitland roared for my help: and at that moment, I, poor wretch, in far worse plight than he, stood shivering in ague: for suddenly one of those wrangles of the voices of my destiny was filling my bosom with loud commotion, one urging me to fly to Maitland's aid, one passionately commanding me be still. But it lasted, I believe, some seconds only: I ran and got a shot into the bear's brain, and Maitland leapt up with a rent down his face.

It was a mother bear and her cub. With a determined stride, she came with her head low, surely sensing the dogs. We quickly split up, hiding behind ice boulders, hoping she would move closer to the shore before we took her down. However, as she passed by, she spotted me and charged at a trot. I shot her in the neck, and with a roar, she turned and headed straight toward Maitland. I saw him emerge from cover a hundred yards away, aiming his long gun, but there was no shot. In half a minute, he was right under her paws as she swatted at the barking, scared dogs. Maitland shouted for my help, but at that moment, I, in a much worse situation than he, stood there trembling in fear; suddenly, the chaos of my fate was stirring in my chest, one voice urging me to help Maitland, another screaming at me to stay still. But it lasted just a few seconds. I ran and got a shot into the bear's brain, and Maitland jumped up with a gash across his face.

But singular destiny! Whatever I did—if I did evil, if I did good—the result was the same: tragedy dark and sinister! Poor Maitland was doomed that voyage, and my rescue of his life was the means employed to make his death the more certain.

But what a strange destiny! No matter what I did—whether I did something bad or something good—the outcome was the same: a dark and sinister tragedy! Poor Maitland was doomed on that voyage, and my saving his life only made his death more certain.

I think that I have already written, some pages back, about a man called Scotland, whom I met at Cambridge. He was always talking about certain 'Black' and 'White' beings, and their contention for the earth. We others used to call him the black-and-white mystery-man, because, one day—but that is no matter now. Well, with regard to all that, I have a fancy, a whim of the mind—quite wide of the truth, no doubt—but I have it here in my brain, and I will write it down now. It is this: that there may have been some sort of arrangement, or understanding, between Black and White, as in the case of Adam and the fruit, that, should mankind force his way to the Pole and the old forbidden secret biding there, then some mishap should not fail to overtake the race of man; that the White, being kindly disposed to mankind, did not wish this to occur, and intended, for the sake of the race, to destroy our entire expedition before it reached; and that the Black, knowing that the White meant to do this, and by what means, used me—me!—to outwit this design, first of all working that I should be one of the party of four to leave the ship on ski.

I think I’ve already mentioned a guy named Scotland that I met at Cambridge a few pages back. He was always talking about certain 'Black' and 'White' beings and their struggle for control of the earth. We used to call him the black-and-white mystery guy because, one day—but that's not important now. Anyway, regarding all that, I have this idea, a whim really—probably far from the truth—but it’s stuck in my head, so I’ll write it down now. Here it is: there might have been some sort of agreement or understanding between Black and White, similar to the story of Adam and the fruit, that if humanity pushed its way to the Pole and uncovered the old forbidden secret lying there, some disaster would inevitably befall mankind; that the White, being friendly towards humanity, didn’t want this to happen and planned to sabotage our entire expedition before we could reach it; and that the Black, aware of White’s intentions and how they planned to do it, used me—me!—to counter this plan, starting by making sure I was one of the four people to leave the ship on skis.

But the childish attempt, my God, to read the immense riddle of the world! I could laugh loud at myself, and at poor Black-and-White Scotland, too. The thing can't be so simple.

But what a naive attempt, my God, to figure out the vast mystery of the world! I could laugh out loud at myself, and at poor Black-and-White Scotland, too. It can't be that simple.

Well, we left Taimur the same day, and good-bye now to both land and open sea. Till we passed the latitude of Cape Chelyuskin (which we did not sight), it was one succession of ice-belts, with Mew in the crow's-nest tormenting the electric bell to the engine-room, the anchor hanging ready to drop, and Clark taking soundings. Progress was slow, and the Polar night gathered round us apace, as we stole still onward and onward into that blue and glimmering land of eternal frore. We now left off bed-coverings of reindeer-skin and took to sleeping-bags. Eight of the dogs had died by the 25th September, when we were experiencing 19° of frost. In the darkest part of our night, the Northern Light spread its silent solemn banner over us, quivering round the heavens in a million fickle gauds.

Well, we left Taimur the same day, and now it’s goodbye to both land and open sea. Until we crossed the latitude of Cape Chelyuskin (which we didn’t see), it was just one ice belt after another, with Mew in the crow's nest constantly ringing the electric bell to the engine room, the anchor ready to drop, and Clark taking soundings. Progress was slow, and the Polar night quickly surrounded us as we kept moving deeper into that blue, shimmering land of eternal freeze. We stopped using reindeer-skin bed coverings and switched to sleeping bags. By September 25th, eight of the dogs had died while we were facing 19° of frost. In the darkest part of our night, the Northern Lights spread their silent, solemn banner over us, shimmering across the sky in a million changing colors.

The relations between the members of our little crew were excellent—with one exception: David Wilson and I were not good friends.

The relationships among our little group were great—except for one thing: David Wilson and I weren't good friends.

There was a something—a tone—in the evidence which he had given at the inquest on Peters, which made me mad every time I thought of it. He had heard Peters admit just before death that he, Peters, had administered atropine to himself: and he had had to give evidence of that fact. But he had given it in a most half-hearted way, so much so, that the coroner had asked him: 'What, sir, are you hiding from me?' Wilson had replied: 'Nothing. I have nothing to tell.'

There was something—a tone—in the evidence he provided at the inquest into Peters that made me angry every time I thought about it. He had heard Peters confess just before dying that he, Peters, had taken atropine himself, and he had to testify about that. But he did it in such a half-hearted manner that the coroner had to ask him: 'What, sir, are you hiding from me?' Wilson replied: 'Nothing. I have nothing to share.'

And from that day he and I had hardly exchanged ten words, in spite of our constant companionship in the vessel; and one day, standing alone on a floe, I found myself hissing with clenched fist: 'If he dared suspect Clodagh of poisoning Peters, I could kill him!'

And from that day, he and I had barely exchanged ten words, even though we were always together on the ship; and one day, standing alone on an ice floe, I found myself hissing with a clenched fist: 'If he dared to think Clodagh poisoned Peters, I could kill him!'

Up to 78° of latitude the weather had been superb, but on the night of the 7th October—well I remember it—we experienced a great storm. Our tub of a ship rolled like a swing, drenching the whimpering dogs at every lurch, and hurling everything on board into confusion. The petroleum-launch was washed from the davits; down at one time to 40° below zero sank the thermometer; while a high aurora was whiffed into a dishevelled chaos of hues, resembling the smeared palette of some turbulent painter of the skies, or mixed battle of long-robed seraphim, and looking the very symbol of tribulation, tempest, wreck, and distraction. I, for the first time, was sick.

Up to 78° latitude, the weather had been amazing, but on the night of October 7th—I'll never forget it—we encountered a huge storm. Our ship rocked back and forth like a swing, soaking the whimpering dogs with every lurch and throwing everything onboard into chaos. The petroleum launch was washed away from the davits; at one point the thermometer dropped to 40° below zero; meanwhile, a bright aurora swirled into a messy explosion of colors, looking like the smeared palette of a frantic sky painter or a chaotic battle of long-robed angels, capturing the essence of struggle, storms, wreckage, and confusion. For the first time, I felt seasick.

It was with a dizzy brain, therefore, that I went off watch to my bunk. Soon, indeed, I fell asleep: but the rolls and shocks of the ship, combined with the heavy Greenland anorak which I had on, and the state of my body, together produced a fearful nightmare, in which I was conscious of a vain struggle to move, a vain fight for breath, for the sleeping-bag turned to an iceberg on my bosom. Of Clodagh was my gasping dream. I dreamed that she let fall, drop by drop, a liquid, coloured like pomegranate-seeds, into a glass of water; and she presented the glass to Peters. The draught, I knew, was poisonous as death: and in a last effort to break the bands of that dark slumber, I was conscious, as I jerked myself upright, of screaming aloud:

With a dizzy head, I headed to my bunk after my shift. Before long, I fell asleep; however, the ship's rolling and shaking, combined with the heavy Greenland parka I was wearing and my physical state, created a terrifying nightmare. I felt trapped, struggling to move, gasping for breath as if the sleeping bag had turned into an iceberg crushing me. Clodagh filled my dream. I dreamed she was dropping a liquid, the color of pomegranate seeds, into a glass of water, and then handing the glass to Peters. I knew that drink was deadly poison, and in a last effort to break free from that dark sleep, I suddenly jerked upright and screamed out loud.

'Clodagh! Clodagh! Spare the man...!'

'Clodagh! Clodagh! Save the man...!'

My eyes, starting with horror, opened to waking; the electric light was shining in the cabin; and there stood David Wilson looking at me.

My eyes popped open in shock; the bright light was on in the cabin, and there was David Wilson staring at me.

Wilson was a big man, with a massively-built, long face, made longer by a beard, and he had little nervous contractions of the flesh at the cheek-bones, and plenty of big freckles. His clinging pose, his smile of disgust, his whole air, as he stood crouching and lurching there, I can shut my eyes, and see now.

Wilson was a big guy, with a heavily built, long face, made even longer by a beard, and he had little nerve twitches in his cheeks, along with a lot of big freckles. The way he held himself, his disgusted smile, his entire demeanor as he stood there crouched and swaying, I can close my eyes and picture it now.

What he was doing in my cabin I did not know. To think, my good God, that he should have been led there just then! This was one of the four-men starboard berths: his was a-port: yet there he was! But he explained at once.

What he was doing in my cabin, I had no idea. Can you believe, my good God, that he ended up there at that moment? This was one of the four-man starboard berths: his was on the port side: yet there he was! But he explained right away.

'Sorry to interrupt your innocent dreams, says he: 'the mercury in Maitland's thermometer is frozen, and he asked me to hand him his spirits-of-wine one from his bunk...'

'Sorry to interrupt your sweet dreams, he says: 'the mercury in Maitland's thermometer is frozen, and he asked me to get him his bottle of spirits from his bunk...'

I did not answer. A hatred was in my heart against this man.

I didn’t reply. I felt a deep hatred towards this guy.

The next day the storm died away, and either three or four days later the slush-ice between the floes froze definitely. The Boreal's way was thus blocked. We warped her with ice-anchors and the capstan into the position in which she should lay up for her winter's drift. This was in about 79° 20' N. The sun had now totally vanished from our bleak sky, not to reappear till the following year.

The next day, the storm calmed down, and about three or four days later, the slushy ice between the floes froze solidly. The Boreal was now stuck. We used ice-anchors and the capstan to move her into the position where she would ride out the winter. This was around 79° 20' N. The sun had completely disappeared from our gray sky, not to return until the next year.

Well, there was sledging with the dogs, and bear-hunting among the hummocks, as the months, one by one, went by. One day Wilson, by far our best shot, got a walrus-bull; Clark followed the traditional pursuit of a Chief, examining Crustacea; Maitland and I were in a relation of close friendship, and I assisted his meteorological observations in a snow-hut built near the ship. Often, through the twenty-four hours, a clear blue moon, very spectral, very fair, suffused all our dim and livid clime.

Well, we went dog sledding and bear hunting among the ice mounds as the months passed by. One day, Wilson, our best shooter, caught a male walrus; Clark continued with the traditional work of a Chief, studying crustaceans; Maitland and I had a close friendship, and I helped him with his weather observations in a snow hut built near the ship. Often, throughout the twenty-four hours, a clear blue moon, very eerie and beautiful, lit up our dim and pale landscape.

It was five days before Christmas that Clark made the great announcement: he had determined, he said, if our splendid northward drift continued, to leave the ship about the middle of next March for the dash to the Pole. He would take with him the four reindeer, all the dogs, four sledges, four kayaks, and three companions. The companions whom he had decided to invite were: Wilson, Mew, and Maitland.

It was five days before Christmas when Clark made the big announcement: he had decided, he said, that if our fantastic northward journey continued, he would leave the ship around the middle of next March for the sprint to the Pole. He planned to take the four reindeer, all the dogs, four sledges, four kayaks, and three friends. The friends he decided to invite were Wilson, Mew, and Maitland.

He said it at dinner; and as he said it, David Wilson glanced at my wan face with a smile of pleased malice: for I was left out.

He mentioned it at dinner, and as he did, David Wilson looked at my pale face with a smirk of satisfied mischief because I was excluded.

I remember well: the aurora that night was in the sky, and at its edge floated a moon surrounded by a ring, with two mock-moons. But all shone very vaguely and far, and a fog, which had already lasted some days, made the ship's bows indistinct to me, as I paced the bridge on my watch, two hours after Clark's announcement.

I remember it clearly: the northern lights were in the sky that night, and at their edge was a moon encircled by a ring, along with two faint moons. But everything shone very dimly and from a distance, and a fog that had lingered for several days made the ship's bow hard to see as I walked the bridge during my shift, two hours after Clark's announcement.

For a long time all was very still, save for the occasional whine of a dog. I was alone, and it grew toward the end of my watch, when Maitland would succeed me. My slow tread tolled like a passing-bell, and the mountainous ice lay vague and white around me, its sheeted ghastliness not less dreadfully silent than eternity itself.

For a long time, everything was really quiet, except for the occasional whine of a dog. I was alone, and it was getting close to the end of my shift, when Maitland would take over for me. My slow footsteps echoed like a funeral bell, and the huge expanses of ice looked vague and white around me, its eerie stillness just as frightening as eternity itself.

Presently, several of the dogs began barking together, left off, and began again.

Presently, a few of the dogs started barking together, stopped, and then started again.

I said to myself; 'There is a bear about somewhere.'

I told myself, "There's a bear somewhere nearby."

And after some five minutes I saw—I thought that I saw—it. The fog had, if anything thickened; and it was now very near the end of my watch.

And after about five minutes, I thought I saw it. The fog had, if anything, gotten thicker, and it was now almost the end of my shift.

It had entered the ship, I concluded, by the boards which slanted from an opening in the port bulwarks down to the ice. Once before, in November, a bear, having smelled the dogs, had ventured on board at midnight: but then there had resulted a perfect hubbub among the dogs. Now, even in the midst of my excitement, I wondered at their quietness, though some whimpered—with fear, I thought. I saw the creature steal forward from the hatchway toward the kennels a-port; and I ran noiselessly, and seized the watch-gun which stood always loaded by the companionway.

It had gotten onto the ship, I figured, by the planks that slanted from an opening in the side of the ship down to the ice. Once before, in November, a bear, having caught the scent of the dogs, had gone on board at midnight: but then there had been complete chaos among the dogs. Now, even in the middle of my excitement, I was surprised by their calmness, although some whined—out of fear, I thought. I saw the animal creep forward from the hatchway toward the kennels on the left; and I quietly ran and grabbed the loaded watch-gun that was always kept by the staircase.

By this time, the form had passed the kennels, reached the bows, and now was making toward me on the starboard side. I took aim. Never, I thought, had I seen so huge a bear—though I made allowance for the magnifying effect of the fog.

By this point, the figure had passed the dog kennels, reached the front of the boat, and was now coming toward me on the right side. I aimed carefully. I had never seen such a massive bear—though I considered that the fog might be making it look bigger.

My finger was on the trigger: and at that moment a deathly shivering sickness took me, the wrangling voices shouted at me, with 'Shoot!' 'Shoot not!' 'Shoot!' Ah well, that latter shout was irresistible. I drew the trigger. The report hooted through the Polar night.

My finger was on the trigger, and at that moment, a sickening chill ran through me as the arguing voices yelled, "Shoot!" "Don’t shoot!" "Shoot!" Well, that last shout was impossible to ignore. I pulled the trigger. The gunfire echoed through the Polar night.

The creature dropped; both Wilson and Clark were up at once: and we three hurried to the spot.

The creature fell; Wilson, Clark, and I jumped up immediately, and we quickly rushed to the scene.

But the very first near glance showed a singular kind of bear. Wilson put his hand to the head, and a lax skin came away at his touch.... It was Aubrey Maitland who was underneath it, and I had shot him dead.

But the very first quick look revealed a unique type of bear. Wilson reached out to touch its head, and the loose skin peeled away at his touch.... It was Aubrey Maitland underneath it, and I had shot him dead.

For the past few days he had been cleaning skins, among them the skin of the bear from which I had saved him at Taimur. Now, Maitland was a born pantomimist, continually inventing practical jokes; and perhaps to startle me with a false alarm in the very skin of the old Bruin which had so nearly done for him, he had thrown it round him on finishing its cleaning, and so, in mere wanton fun, had crept on deck at the hour of his watch. The head of the bear-skin, and the fog, must have prevented him from seeing me taking aim.

For the past few days, he had been cleaning hides, including the bear hide from which I had saved him at Taimur. Maitland was a natural at pantomime, always coming up with practical jokes; and maybe to surprise me with a fake scare using the very skin of the old bear that had almost gotten him, he wrapped it around himself after finishing its cleaning and, just for fun, sneaked out on deck during his watch. The bear's head and the fog probably blocked his view of me aiming at him.

This tragedy made me ill for weeks. I saw that the hand of Fate was upon me. When I rose from bed, poor Maitland was lying in the ice behind the great camel-shaped hummock near us.

This tragedy made me sick for weeks. I realized that Fate was at work in my life. When I got out of bed, poor Maitland was lying in the ice behind the large camel-shaped mound near us.

By the end of January we had drifted to 80° 55'; and it was then that Clark, in the presence of Wilson, asked me if I would make the fourth man, in the place of poor Maitland, for the dash in the spring. As I said 'Yes, I am willing,' David Wilson spat with a disgusted emphasis. A minute later he sighed, with 'Ah, poor Maitland...' and drew in his breath with a tut! tut!

By the end of January, we had drifted to 80° 55'; and it was then that Clark, in front of Wilson, asked me if I would be the fourth man, taking the place of poor Maitland, for the spring push. When I said, 'Yes, I'm in,' David Wilson spat with a disgusted emphasis. A minute later, he sighed, saying, 'Ah, poor Maitland...' and drew in his breath with a tut! tut!

God knows, I had an impulse to spring then and there at his throat, and strangle him: but I curbed myself.

God knows, I felt an urge to leap at his throat right then and there and strangle him, but I restrained myself.

There remained now hardly a month before the dash, and all hands set to work with a will, measuring the dogs, making harness and seal-skin shoes for them, overhauling sledges and kayaks, and cutting every possible ounce of weight. But we were not destined, after all, to set out that year. About the 20th February, the ice began to pack, and the ship was subjected to an appalling pressure. We found it necessary to make trumpets of our hands to shout into one another's ears, for the whole ice-continent was crashing, popping, thundering everywhere in terrific upheaval. Expecting every moment to see the Boreal crushed to splinters, we had to set about unpacking provisions, and placing sledges, kayaks, dogs and everything in a position for instant flight. It lasted five days, and was accompanied by a tempest from the north, which, by the end of February, had driven us back south into latitude 79° 40'. Clark, of course, then abandoned the thought of the Pole for that summer.

There was now hardly a month left before the journey, and everyone got to work with determination, measuring the dogs, making harnesses and seal-skin shoes for them, fixing up sledges and kayaks, and cutting every possible ounce of weight. But, in the end, we were not meant to set out that year. Around February 20th, the ice started to shift, and the ship experienced intense pressure. We found it necessary to cup our hands to shout into each other's ears, as the entire ice surface was cracking, popping, and thunderously shaking in a massive upheaval. Expecting at any moment to see the Boreal shattered to pieces, we had to start unpacking supplies and positioning sledges, kayaks, dogs, and everything for a quick escape. This lasted five days and was accompanied by a storm from the north, which, by the end of February, had pushed us back south to latitude 79° 40'. Clark, of course, then gave up the idea of reaching the Pole that summer.

And immediately afterwards we made a startling discovery: our stock of reindeer-moss was found to be somehow ridiculously small. Egan, our second mate, was blamed; but that did not help matters: the sad fact remained. Clark was advised to kill one or two of the deer, but he pig-headedly refused: and by the beginning of summer they were all dead.

And right after that, we made a shocking discovery: our supply of reindeer moss was surprisingly low. We blamed Egan, our second mate, but that didn’t change anything: the unfortunate truth was still there. Clark was told to cull one or two of the deer, but he stubbornly refused, and by the start of summer, they were all dead.

Well, our northward drift recommenced. Toward the middle of February we saw a mirage of the coming sun above the horizon; there were flights of Arctic petrels and snow-buntings; and spring was with us. In an ice-pack of big hummocks and narrow lanes we made good progress all the summer.

Well, our journey north started up again. Around mid-February, we noticed a mirage of the rising sun on the horizon; there were flocks of Arctic petrels and snow buntings, and spring had arrived. In a huge ice-pack full of big hummocks and narrow channels, we made good progress all summer.

When the last of the deer died, my heart sank; and when the dogs killed two of their number, and a bear crushed a third, I was fully expecting what actually came; it was this: Clark announced that he could now take only two companions with him in the spring: and they were Wilson and Mew. So once more I saw David Wilson's pleased smile of malice.

When the last deer died, I felt a deep sadness; and when the dogs killed two of their own and a bear crushed a third, I was fully prepared for what actually happened: Clark announced that he could only take two companions with him in the spring, and they were Wilson and Mew. So once again, I saw David Wilson's smug, malicious smile.

We settled into our second winter-quarters. Again came December, and all our drear sunless gloom, made worse by the fact that the windmill would not work, leaving us without the electric light.

We moved into our second winter quarters. December came again, bringing all our bleak, sunless gloom, made worse by the fact that the windmill wasn’t working, leaving us without electric light.

Ah me, none but those who have felt it could dream of one half the mental depression of that long Arctic night; how the soul takes on the hue of the world; and without and within is nothing but gloom, gloom, and the reign of the Power of Darkness.

Ah, only those who have experienced it can imagine half the mental exhaustion of that long Arctic night; how the soul reflects the state of the world; and both outside and inside is just nothing but darkness, darkness, and the rule of the Power of Darkness.

Not one of us but was in a melancholic, dismal and dire mood; and on the 13th December Lamburn, the engineer, stabbed Cartwright, the old harpooner, in the arm.

Not one of us was in a gloomy, miserable, and serious mood; and on December 13th, Lamburn, the engineer, stabbed Cartwright, the old harpooner, in the arm.

Three days before Christmas a bear came close to the ship, and then turned tail. Mew, Wilson, I and Meredith (a general hand) set out in pursuit. After a pretty long chase we lost him, and then scattered different ways. It was very dim, and after yet an hour's search, I was returning weary and disgusted to the ship, when I saw some shadow like a bear sailing away on my left, and at the same time sighted a man—I did not know whom—running like a handicapped ghost some little distance to the right. So I shouted out:

Three days before Christmas, a bear came close to the ship but then ran away. Mew, Wilson, Meredith (a general worker), and I set out to chase it. After quite a while, we lost the bear and went our separate ways. It was really dim, and after about another hour of searching, I was heading back to the ship, tired and frustrated, when I noticed a shadow that looked like a bear moving away to my left. At the same time, I spotted a man—I didn't recognize him—running like a ghost with a disability a bit to my right. So I shouted out:

'There he is—come on! This way!'

'There he is—let's go! This way!'

The man quickly joined me, but as soon as ever he recognised me, stopped dead. The devil must have suddenly got into him, for he said:

The man quickly came up to me, but as soon as he recognized me, he froze. It felt like the devil had suddenly taken over him because he said:

'No, thanks, Jeffson: alone with you I am in danger of my life....'

'No, thanks, Jeffson: being alone with you puts my life at risk....'

It was Wilson. And I, too, forgetting at once all about the bear, stopped and faced him.

It was Wilson. And I, also forgetting all about the bear, stopped and faced him.

'I see,' said I. 'But, Wilson, you are going to explain to me now what you mean, you hear? What do you mean, Wilson?'

"I get it," I said. "But, Wilson, you're going to explain to me now what you mean, okay? What do you mean, Wilson?"

'What I say,' he answered deliberately, eyeing me up and down: 'alone with you I am in danger of my life. Just as poor Maitland was, and just as poor Peters was. Certainly, you are a deadly beast.'

'What I’m saying,' he replied slowly, looking me over: 'being alone with you puts my life in danger. Just like poor Maitland was, and just like poor Peters was. Truly, you’re a dangerous creature.'

Fury leapt, my God, in my heart. Black as the tenebrous Arctic night was my soul.

Fury surged, my God, in my heart. Dark as the pitch-black Arctic night was my soul.

'Do you mean,' said I, 'that I want to put you out of the way in order to go in your place to the Pole? Is that your meaning, man?'

'Are you saying,' I asked, 'that I want to get rid of you so I can take your spot at the Pole? Is that what you mean, man?'

'That's about my meaning, Jeffson,' says he: 'you are a deadly beast, you know.'

'That's what I mean, Jeffson,' he says: 'you're a real menace, you know.'

'Stop!' I said, with blazing eye. 'I am going to kill you, Wilson—as sure as God lives: but I want to hear first. Who told you that I killed Peters?'

'Stop!' I said, with fierce eyes. 'I'm going to kill you, Wilson—as sure as God lives: but I want to hear first. Who told you that I killed Peters?'

'Your lover killed him—with your collusion. Why, I heard you, man, in your beastly sleep, calling the whole thing out. And I was pretty sure of it before, only I had no proofs. By God, I should enjoy putting a bullet into you, Jeffson!'

'Your partner killed him—with your help. I heard you, man, in your drunken sleep, spilling the whole thing. I had my suspicions before, but I didn’t have any proof. Damn it, I’d love to put a bullet into you, Jeffson!'

'You wrong me—you, you wrong me!' I shrieked, my eyes staring with ravenous lust for his blood; 'and now I am going to pay you well for it. Look out, you!'

'You’re hurting me—you, you’re hurting me!' I screamed, my eyes wide with a fierce desire for his blood; 'and now I’m going to make you pay for it. Watch out, you!'

I aimed my gun for his heart, and I touched the trigger. He held up his left hand.

I aimed my gun at his heart and squeezed the trigger. He raised his left hand.

'Stop,' he said, 'stop.' (He was one of the coolest of men ordinarily.) 'There is no gallows on the Boreal, but Clark could easily rig one for you. I want to kill you, too, because there are no criminal courts up here, and it would be doing a good action for my country. But not here—not now. Listen to me—don't shoot. Later we can meet, when all is ready, so that no one may be the wiser, and fight it all out.'

'Stop,' he said, 'stop.' (He was usually one of the coolest guys around.) 'There’s no gallows on the Boreal, but Clark could easily set one up for you. I want to kill you, too, because there are no criminal courts up here, and it would be a favor to my country. But not here—not now. Listen to me—don't shoot. Later we can meet when everything is ready, so no one will be the wiser, and settle it all then.'

As he spoke I let the gun drop. It was better so. I knew that he was much the best shot on the ship, and I an indifferent one: but I did not care, I did not care, if I was killed.

As he talked, I let the gun fall. It was for the best. I knew he was the best shot on the ship, and I was just average: but I didn’t mind, I didn’t mind if I got killed.

It is a dim, inclement land, God knows: and the spirit of darkness and distraction is there.

It’s a gloomy, harsh land, that’s for sure: and the presence of darkness and chaos is palpable.

Twenty hours later we met behind the great saddle-shaped hummock, some six miles to the S.E. of the ship. We had set out at different times, so that no one might suspect. And each brought a ship's-lantern.

Twenty hours later, we met behind the big saddle-shaped hill, about six miles southeast of the ship. We had left at different times so that no one would suspect anything. Each of us brought a ship's lantern.

Wilson had dug an ice-grave near the hummock, leaving at its edge a heap of brash-ice and snow to fill it. We stood separated by an interval of perhaps seventy yards, the grave between us, each with a lantern at his feet.

Wilson had dug an ice grave near the hummock, leaving a pile of brash ice and snow at its edge to fill it. We stood about seventy yards apart, with the grave between us, each of us having a lantern at our feet.

Even so we were mere shadowy apparitions one to the other. The air glowered very drearily, and present in my inmost soul were the frills of cold. A chill moon, a mere abstraction of light, seemed to hang far outside the universe. The temperature was at 55° below zero, so that we had on wind-clothes over our anoraks, and heavy foot-bandages under our Lap boots. Nothing but a weird morgue seemed the world, haunted with despondent madness; and exactly like that world about us were the minds of us two poor men, full of macabre, bleak, and funereal feelings.

Even so, we were just shadowy figures to each other. The atmosphere felt incredibly dreary, and deep within me was a sense of cold. A chilling moon, just a faint light, seemed to hang far outside the universe. The temperature was 55° below zero, so we wore windproof gear over our jackets and heavy wrappings under our boots. The world felt like a strange morgue, filled with a sense of hopeless madness; and just like the world around us, our minds were filled with grim, bleak, and funeral thoughts.

Between us yawned an early grave for one or other of our bodies.

Between us lay an early grave for one of our bodies.

I heard Wilson cry out:

I heard Wilson shout:

'Are you ready, Jeffson?'

'Are you ready, Jeffson?'

'Aye, Wilson!' cried I.

"Hey, Wilson!" I shouted.

'Then here goes!' cries he.

"Here goes!" he cries.

Even as he spoke, he fired. Surely, the man was in deadly earnest to kill me.

Even as he talked, he shot. Clearly, the guy was serious about trying to kill me.

But his shot passed harmlessly by me: as indeed was only likely: we were mere shadows one to the other.

But his shot went right past me without causing any harm, which was to be expected since we were just shadows to each other.

I fired perhaps ten seconds later than he: but in those ten seconds he stood perfectly revealed to me in clear, lavender light.

I shot maybe ten seconds after he did: but in those ten seconds, he was completely visible to me in bright, lavender light.

An Arctic fire-ball had traversed the sky, showering abroad, a sulphurous glamour over the snow-landscape. Before the intenser blue of its momentary shine had passed away, I saw Wilson stagger forward, and drop. And him and his lantern I buried deep there under the rubble ice.

An Arctic fireball crossed the sky, casting a sulfurous glow over the snowy landscape. Before the bright blue light of its brief shine faded, I saw Wilson stumble forward and fall. I buried him and his lantern deep under the rubble of ice.


On the 13th March, nearly three months later, Clark, Mew and I left the Boreal in latitude 85° 15'.

On March 13th, almost three months later, Clark, Mew, and I left the Boreal at latitude 85° 15'.

We had with us thirty-two dogs, three sledges, three kayaks, human provisions for 112 days, and dog provisions for 40. Being now about 340 miles from the Pole, we hoped to reach it in 43 days, then, turning south, and feeding living dogs with dead, make either Franz Josef Land or Spitzbergen, at which latter place we should very likely come up with a whaler.

We had thirty-two dogs, three sleds, three kayaks, enough food for humans for 112 days, and dog food for 40 days. Now about 340 miles from the Pole, we hoped to reach it in 43 days. Then, turning south and feeding the live dogs with the dead ones, we aimed to reach either Franz Josef Land or Spitzbergen, where we would probably encounter a whaler.

Well, during the first days, progress was very slow, the ice being rough and laney, and the dogs behaving most badly, stopping dead at every difficulty, and leaping over the traces. Clark had had the excellent idea of attaching a gold-beater's-skin balloon, with a lifting power of 35 pounds, to each sledge, and we had with us a supply of zinc and sulphuric-acid to repair the hydrogen-waste from the bags; but on the third day Mew over-filled and burst his balloon, and I and Clark had to cut ours loose in order to equalise weights, for we could neither leave him behind, turn back to the ship, nor mend the bag. So it happened that at the end of the fourth day out, we had made only nineteen miles, and could still from a hummock discern afar the leaning masts of the old Boreal. Clark led on ski, captaining a sledge with 400 lbs. of instruments, ammunition, pemmican, aleuronate bread; Mew followed, his sledge containing provisions only; and last came I, with a mixed freight. But on the third day Clark had an attack of snow-blindness, and Mew took his place.

Well, during the first few days, progress was really slow. The ice was rough and uneven, and the dogs were acting badly, stopping at every obstacle and breaking free from their harnesses. Clark had the smart idea of attaching a gold-beater's-skin balloon, which could lift 35 pounds, to each sled, and we had some zinc and sulfuric acid with us to fix any hydrogen leaks from the bags. But on the third day, Mew overfilled and burst his balloon, so Clark and I had to cut ours loose to balance the weights, since we couldn’t leave him behind, turn back to the ship, or repair the bag. By the end of the fourth day, we had only covered nineteen miles and could still see the leaning masts of the old Boreal from a hummock in the distance. Clark was leading on skis, pulling a sled with 400 lbs. of instruments, ammunition, pemmican, and aleuronate bread; Mew was following with a sled just full of supplies; and I was last with a mixed load. However, on the third day, Clark got snow-blindness, so Mew took over for him.

Pretty soon our sufferings commenced, and they were bitter enough. The sun, though constantly visible day and night, gave no heat. Our sleeping-bags (Clark and Mew slept together in one, I in another) were soaking wet all the night, being thawed by our warmth; and our fingers, under wrappings of senne-grass and wolf-skin, were always bleeding. Sometimes our frail bamboo-cane kayaks, lying across the sledges, would crash perilously against an ice-ridge—and they were our one hope of reaching land. But the dogs were the great difficulty: we lost six mortal hours a day in harnessing and tending them. On the twelfth day Clark took a single-altitude observation, and found that we were only in latitude 86° 45'; but the next day we passed beyond the furthest point yet reached by man, viz. 86° 53', attained by the Nix explorers four years previously.

Pretty soon our suffering began, and it was pretty harsh. The sun, although visible day and night, didn’t provide any warmth. Our sleeping bags (Clark and Mew shared one, while I had another) were soaked all night, warmed by our bodies; and our fingers, wrapped in senne-grass and wolf skin, were constantly bleeding. Sometimes our fragile bamboo kayaks, resting on the sledges, would crash dangerously into an ice ridge—and they were our only hope of reaching land. But the dogs were a significant challenge: we wasted six exhausting hours a day managing and caring for them. On the twelfth day, Clark took a single-altitude observation and discovered we were only at latitude 86° 45'; but the next day we surpassed the furthest point reached by humans, which was 86° 53', achieved by the Nix explorers four years earlier.


Our one secret thought now was food, food—our day-long lust for the eating-time. Mew suffered from 'Arctic thirst.

Our only secret thought now was food, food—our all-day craving for mealtime. Mew was suffering from 'Arctic thirst.


Under these conditions, man becomes in a few days, not a savage only, but a mere beast, hardly a grade above the bear and walrus. Ah, the ice! A long and sordid nightmare was that, God knows.

Under these conditions, a person becomes, in just a few days, not just a savage but a complete beast, barely a step above a bear or a walrus. Ah, the ice! That was a long and terrible nightmare, God knows.

On we pressed, crawling our little way across the Vast, upon whose hoar silence, from Eternity until then, Bootes only, and that Great Bear, had watched.

On we went, making our slow way across the Vast, where only Bootes and that Great Bear had watched in silence from Eternity until now.


After the eleventh day our rate of march improved: all lanes disappeared, and ridges became much less frequent. By the fifteenth day I was leaving behind the ice-grave of David Wilson at the rate of ten to thirteen miles a day.

After the eleventh day, our marching pace got better: all the paths vanished, and hills became much less common. By the fifteenth day, I was moving away from the icy grave of David Wilson at a speed of ten to thirteen miles a day.

Yet, as it were, his arm reached out and touched me, even there.

Yet, somehow, his arm reached out and touched me, even there.

His disappearance had been explained by a hundred different guesses on the ship—all plausible enough. I had no idea that anyone connected me in any way with his death.

His disappearance sparked a hundred different theories on the ship—all of them plausible enough. I had no idea that anyone linked me to his death in any way.

But on our twenty-second day of march, 140 miles from our goal, he caused a conflagration of rage and hate to break out among us three.

But on our twenty-second day of March, 140 miles from our goal, he sparked a firestorm of anger and hatred among the three of us.

It was at the end of a march, when our stomachs were hollow, our frames ready to drop, and our mood ravenous and inflamed. One of Mew's dogs was sick: it was necessary to kill it: he asked me to do it.

It was the end of a march, our stomachs empty, our bodies about to collapse, and our spirits agitated and intense. One of Mew's dogs was sick; it needed to be put down, and he asked me to do it.

'Oh,' said I, 'you kill your own dog, of course.'

'Oh,' I said, 'you obviously kill your own dog.'

'Well, I don't know,' he replied, catching fire at once, 'you ought to be used to killing, Jeffson.'

'Well, I don’t know,' he replied, getting heated immediately, 'you should be used to killing, Jeffson.'

'How do you mean, Mew?' said I with a mad start, for madness and the flames of Hell were instant and uppermost in us all: 'you mean because my profession——'

'What do you mean, Mew?' I said suddenly, feeling overwhelmed, as madness and the fires of Hell were instantly present in all of us: 'are you saying it's because of my job——'

'Profession! damn it, no,' he snarled like a dog: 'go and dig up David Wilson—I dare say you know where to find him—and he will tell you my meaning, right enough.'

'Profession! Damn it, no,' he growled like a dog: 'go and find David Wilson—I’m sure you know where to look for him—and he will explain what I mean, for sure.'

I rushed at once to Clark, who was stooping among the dogs, unharnessing: and savagely pushing his shoulder, I exclaimed:

I quickly ran over to Clark, who was bending down with the dogs, taking off their harnesses: and roughly shoving his shoulder, I shouted:

'That beast accuses me of murdering David Wilson!'

'That beast is accusing me of murdering David Wilson!'

'Well?' said Clark.

'Well?' Clark asked.

'I'd split his skull as clean——!'

'I’d smash his skull to pieces!'

'Go away, Adam Jeffson, and let me be!' snarled Clark.

"Go away, Adam Jeffson, and leave me alone!" Clark snapped.

'Is that all you've got to say about it, then—you?'

'Is that all you've got to say about it, then—you?'

'To the devil with you, man, say I, and let me be!' cried he: 'you know your own conscience best, I suppose.'

'To hell with you, man, I say, and leave me be!' he shouted. 'You know your own conscience better than anyone, I guess.'

Before this insult I stood with grinding teeth, but impotent. However, from that moment a deeper mood of brooding malice occupied my spirit. Indeed the humour of us all was one of dangerous, even murderous, fierceness. In that pursuit of riches into that region of cold, we had become almost like the beasts that perish.

Before this insult, I stood there with clenched teeth, but feeling powerless. However, from that moment on, a darker mood of resentment took over my mind. In fact, the atmosphere among us was one of dangerous, even murderous intensity. In our pursuit of wealth in that harsh environment, we had become almost like the beasts that face extinction.


On the 10th April we passed the 89th parallel of latitude, and though sick to death, both in spirit and body, pressed still on. Like the lower animals, we were stricken now with dumbness, and hardly once in a week spoke a word one to the other, but in selfish brutishness on through a real hell of cold we moved. It is a cursed region—beyond doubt cursed—not meant to be penetrated by man: and rapid and awful was the degeneration of our souls. As for me, never could I have conceived that savagery so heinous could brood in a human bosom as now I felt it brood in mine. If men could enter into a country specially set apart for the habitation of devils, and there become possessed of evil, as we were so would they be.

On April 10th, we crossed the 89th parallel of latitude, and even though we were completely exhausted, both mentally and physically, we pushed on. Like animals, we were now struck dumb, rarely speaking to one another, and in our selfishness, we trudged through a real hell of cold. It’s a cursed place—undeniably cursed—one that was never meant to be explored by humans: and our souls were rapidly and horrifically deteriorating. As for me, I never imagined that such deep savagery could exist in a human heart as I now felt it in mine. If people ventured into a place clearly meant for demons and became consumed by evil, as we were, they would be just the same.


As we advanced, the ice every day became smoother; so that, from four miles a day, our rate increased to fifteen, and finally (as the sledges lightened) to twenty.

As we moved forward, the ice got smoother every day; so that, from covering four miles a day, our speed increased to fifteen, and eventually (as the sledges got lighter) to twenty.

It was now that we began to encounter a succession of strange-looking objects lying scattered over the ice, whose number continually increased as we proceeded. They had the appearance of rocks, or pieces of iron, incrusted with glass-fragments of various colours, and they were of every size. Their incrustations we soon determined to be diamonds, and other precious stones. On our first twenty-mile day Mew picked up a diamond-crystal as large as a child's foot, and such objects soon became common. We thus found the riches which we sought, beyond all dream; but as the bear and the walrus find them: for ourselves we had lost; and it was a loss of riches barren as ashes, for all those millions we would not have given an ounce of fish-meal. Clark grumbled something about their being meteor-stones, whose ferruginous substance had been lured by the magnetic Pole, and kept from frictional burning in their fall by the frigidity of the air: and they quickly ceased to interest our sluggish minds, except in so far as they obstructed our way.

It was at this point that we started to see a series of strange-looking objects scattered across the ice, and their number kept increasing as we moved forward. They looked like rocks or pieces of iron covered in glass fragments of various colors, and they came in all sorts of sizes. We soon figured out that the crust on them was made up of diamonds and other precious stones. On our first twenty-mile day, Mew found a diamond crystal as big as a child's foot, and similar objects quickly became common. So, we discovered the wealth we had been searching for, more than we ever expected; but like the bear and the walrus, we couldn’t claim it for ourselves. It was a loss of wealth as empty as ashes, because for all those millions, we wouldn't have traded even an ounce of fish meal. Clark muttered something about them being meteor stones, whose iron-rich substance had been drawn in by the magnetic Pole, and prevented from burning up in their fall because of the cold air. They quickly lost our interest, except to the extent that they got in our way.


We had all along had good weather: till, suddenly, on the morning of the 13th April, we were overtaken by a tempest from the S.W., of such mighty and solemn volume that the heart quailed beneath it. It lasted in its full power only an hour, but during that time snatched two of our sledges long distances, and compelled us to lie face-downward. We had travelled all the sun-lit night, and were gasping with fatigue; so as soon as the wind allowed us to huddle together our scattered things, we crawled into the sleeping-bags, and instantly slept.

We had been enjoying good weather until suddenly, on the morning of April 13th, we were hit by a storm from the southwest, so powerful and overwhelming that it made our hearts sink. It lasted at full strength for only an hour, but during that time, it took two of our sledges far away and forced us to lie face down. We had been traveling all night in the sunlight and were exhausted, so as soon as the wind let up enough for us to gather our scattered belongings, we crawled into our sleeping bags and fell asleep immediately.

We knew that the ice was in awful upheaval around us; we heard, as our eyelids sweetly closed, the slow booming of distant guns, and brittle cracklings of artillery. This may have been a result of the tempest stirring up the ocean beneath the ice. Whatever it was, we did not care: we slept deep.

We knew that the ice was in chaos all around us; we heard, as our eyes gently closed, the distant booming of artillery and the sharp crackling of cannons. This might have been caused by the storm stirring the ocean below the ice. Whatever it was, we didn’t care: we fell into a deep sleep.

We were within ten miles of the Pole.

We were just ten miles from the Pole.


In my sleep it was as though someone suddenly shook my shoulder with urgent 'Up! up!' It was neither Clark nor Mew, but a dream merely: for Clark and Mew, when I started up, I saw lying still in their sleeping-bag.

In my sleep, it felt like someone suddenly shook my shoulder urgently, "Wake up! Wake up!" It wasn’t Clark or Mew; it was just a dream. When I jumped up, I saw that Clark and Mew were still lying quietly in their sleeping bags.

I suppose it must have been about noon. I sat staring a minute, and my first numb thought was somehow this: that the Countess Clodagh had prayed me 'Be first'—for her. Wondrous little now cared I for the Countess Clodagh in her far unreal world of warmth—precious little for the fortune which she coveted: millions on millions of fortunes lay unregarded around me. But that thought, Be first! was deeply suggested in my brain, as if whispered there. Instinctively, brutishly, as the Gadarean swine rushed down a steep place, I, rubbing my daft eyes, arose.

I guess it must have been around noon. I sat there for a minute, and my first dazed thought was something like this: that Countess Clodagh had asked me to "Be first"—for her. Honestly, I cared so little for Countess Clodagh in her distant, dreamy world of comfort—almost nothing for the wealth she desired: countless fortunes surrounded me, ignored. But that thought, Be first! was firmly planted in my mind, as if it had been whispered there. Instinctively, almost blindly, like the swine from Gadara rushing down a steep cliff, I rubbed my tired eyes and stood up.

The first thing which my mind opened to perceive was that, while the tempest was less strong, the ice was now in extraordinary agitation. I looked abroad upon a vast plain, stretched out to a circular, but waving horizon, and varied by many hillocks, boulders, and sparkling meteor-stones that everywhere tinselled the blinding white, some big as houses, most small as limbs. And this great plain was now rearranging itself in a widespread drama of havoc, withdrawing in ravines like mutual backing curtsies, then surging to clap together in passionate mountain-peaks, else jostling like the Symplegades, fluent and inconstant as billows of the sea, grinding itself, piling itself, pouring itself in cataracts of powdered ice, while here and there I saw the meteor-stones leap spasmodically, in dusts and heaps, like geysers or spurting froths in a steamer's wake, a tremendous uproar, meantime, filling all the air. As I stood, I plunged and staggered, and I found the dogs sprawling, with whimperings, on the heaving floor.

The first thing my mind registered was that, while the storm was less intense, the ice was now in chaotic motion. I looked out over a vast plain that stretched to a circular but undulating horizon, dotted with hillocks, boulders, and sparkling meteor stones that shimmered against the blinding white—some as big as houses, most as small as limbs. And this great plain was now rearranging itself in a dramatic display of destruction, pulling back into ravines like mutual bows, then surging to crash together into passionate mountain peaks, or jostling like the Symplegades, fluid and unpredictable like sea waves, grinding, piling, and cascading in streams of powdered ice. Here and there, I saw the meteor stones jump sporadically, in clouds and heaps, like geysers or spurting sprays in a ship's wake, while a tremendous roar filled the air. As I stood there, I stumbled and swayed, and I found the dogs sprawled out, whimpering, on the undulating ground.

I did not care. Instinctively, daftly, brutishly, I harnessed ten of them to my sledge; put on Canadian snow-shoes: and was away northward—alone.

I didn't care. Instinctively, foolishly, roughly, I attached ten of them to my sled, put on my Canadian snowshoes, and headed north—by myself.

The sun shone with a clear, benign, but heatless shining: a ghostly, remote, yet quite limpid light, which seemed designed for the lighting of other planets and systems, and to strike here by happy chance. A great wind from the S.W., meantime, sent thin snow-sweepings flying northward past me.

The sun shone with a clear, gentle, but cool light: a ghostly, distant, yet very transparent glow that felt like it was meant for lighting up other planets and systems, and just happened to hit here by chance. A strong wind from the southwest, meanwhile, sent thin snow drifts flying northward past me.

The odometer which I had with me had not yet measured four miles, when I began to notice two things: first that the jewelled meteor-stones were now accumulating beyond all limit, filling my range of vision to the northern horizon with a dazzling glister: in mounds, and parterres, and scattered disconnection they lay, like largesse of autumn leaves, spread out over those Elysian fields and fairy uplands of wealth, trillions of billions, so that I had need to steer my twining way among them. Now, too, I noticed that, but for these stones, all roughness had disappeared, not a trace of the upheaval going on a little further south being here, for the ice lay positively as smooth as a table before me. It is my belief that this stretch of smooth ice has never, never felt one shock, or stir, or throe, and reaches right down to the bottom of the deep.

The odometer I had with me hadn't even reached four miles when I started to notice two things: first, that the jeweled meteor stones were piling up beyond all limits, filling my view to the northern horizon with a dazzling shimmer. They were spread out in mounds, flowerbeds, and scattered patches, like a bounty of autumn leaves scattered across those Elysian fields and enchanting hills of riches, trillions upon trillions, so I had to carefully navigate my way among them. I also noticed that aside from these stones, all roughness had vanished; there was no sign of the upheaval happening a little further south, as the ice lay completely smooth like a table in front of me. I believe that this stretch of smooth ice has never felt a single shock, stir, or tremor, and goes right down to the bottom of the deep.


And now with a wild hilarity I flew. Gradually, a dizziness, a lunacy, had seized upon me, till finally, up-buoyed on air, and dancing mad, I sped, I spun, with grinning teeth that chattered and gibbered, and eyeballs of distraction: for a Fear, too—most cold and dreadful—had its hand of ice upon my heart, I being so alone in that place, face to face with the Ineffable: but still with a giddy levity, and a fatal joy, and a blind hilarity, on I sped, I spun.

And now, with wild excitement, I took off. Little by little, a dizziness, a craziness, took hold of me, until finally, lifted by the air and dancing like a madman, I rushed and twirled, with grinning teeth that chattered and babbled, and eyes full of distraction: for there was also a Fear, cold and terrifying, gripping my heart with an icy hand, as I was all alone in that place, facing the Unknown: but still, filled with a dizzy lightness, a deadly joy, and a blind excitement, I rushed and twirled.


The odometer measured nine miles from my start. I was in the immediate neighbourhood of the Pole.

The odometer read nine miles since I started. I was right near the Pole.

I cannot say when it began, but now I was conscious of a sound in my ears, distinct and near, a steady sound of splashing, or fluttering, resembling the noising of a cascade or brook: and it grew. Forty more steps I took (slide I could not now for the meteorites)—perhaps sixty—perhaps eighty: and now, to my sudden horror, I stood by a circular clean-cut lake.

I can’t say when it started, but now I was aware of a sound in my ears, clear and close, a constant sound of splashing or fluttering, like the noise of a waterfall or stream: and it got louder. I took forty more steps (I couldn't slide now because of the meteorites)—maybe sixty—maybe eighty: and now, to my shock, I found myself by a perfectly round, clean lake.

One minute only, swaying and nodding there, I stood: and then I dropped down flat in swoon.

One minute only, swaying and nodding there, I stood; and then I collapsed flat in a faint.


In a hundred years, I suppose, I should never succeed in analysing why I swooned: but my consciousness still retains the impression of that horrid thrill. I saw nothing distinctly, for my whole being reeled and toppled drunken, like a spinning-top in desperate death-struggle at the moment when it flags, and wobbles dissolutely to fall; but the very instant that my eyes met what was before me, I knew, I knew, that here was the Sanctity of Sanctities, the old eternal inner secret of the Life of this Earth, which it was a most burning shame for a man to see. The lake, I fancy, must be a mile across, and in its middle is a pillar of ice, very low and broad; and I had the clear impression, or dream, or notion, that there was a name, or word, graven all round in the ice of the pillar in characters which I could never read; and under the name a long date; and the fluid of the lake seemed to me to be wheeling with a shivering ecstasy, splashing and fluttering, round the pillar, always from west to east, in the direction of the spinning of the earth; and it was borne in upon me—I can't at all say how—that this fluid was the substance of a living creature; and I had the distinct fancy, as my senses failed, that it was a creature with many dull and anguished eyes, and that, as it wheeled for ever round in fluttering lust, it kept its eyes always turned upon the name and the date graven in the pillar. But this must be my madness....

In a hundred years, I doubt I’ll ever figure out why I fainted: but I still vividly remember that horrible thrill. I didn’t see anything clearly; my whole being felt like it was spinning and tipping over, like a top desperately struggling to stay upright before it finally falls. But the moment my eyes met what was in front of me, I knew, I knew, that I was looking at the Sanctity of Sanctities, the age-old inner secret of life on this Earth—a secret that it was profoundly shameful for a man to witness. The lake, I think, must be about a mile wide, and in the middle is a low, broad pillar of ice; and I had a clear impression, or maybe a dream, that there was a name or word carved all around the ice of the pillar in letters I couldn’t decipher; and beneath the name was a long date. The water of the lake seemed to swirl with a shivering excitement, splashing and fluttering around the pillar, always moving from west to east, in the direction of the earth's rotation. It came to me—I can’t quite explain how—that this water was the essence of a living creature; and as my senses faded, I distinctly imagined it as a creature with many dull, anguished eyes, forever swirling in ecstatic motion, always watching the name and date inscribed on the pillar. But maybe this is just my madness...


It must have been not less than an hour before a sense of life returned to me; and when the thought stabbed my brain that a long, long time I had lain there in the presence of those gloomy orbs, my spirit seemed to groan and die within me.

It must have been at least an hour before I started to feel alive again; and when the realization hit me that I had been lying there for what felt like forever in front of those dark eyes, it felt like my spirit was groaning and dying inside me.

In some minutes, however, I had scrambled to my feet, clutched at a dog's harness, and without one backward glance, was flying from that place.

In a few minutes, though, I had scrambled to my feet, grabbed a dog's harness, and without looking back, was running away from that place.

Half-way to the halting-place, I waited Clark and Mew, being very sick and doddering, and unable to advance. But they did not come.

Halfway to the stop, I waited for Clark and Mew, feeling very sick and unsteady, and unable to move forward. But they didn’t show up.

Later on, when I gathered force to go further, I found that they had perished in the upheaval of the ice. One only of the sledges, half buried, I saw near the spot of our bivouac.

Later on, when I mustered the strength to continue, I discovered that they had been lost in the ice turmoil. I saw only one of the sledges, half buried, near the place of our camp.


Alone that same day I began my way southward, and for five days made good progress. On the eighth day I noticed, stretched right across the south-eastern horizon, a region of purple vapour which luridly obscured the face of the sun: and day after day I saw it steadily brooding there. But what it could be I did not understand.

Alone that same day, I started my journey south and made good progress for five days. On the eighth day, I noticed a stretch of purple mist across the southeastern horizon that darkened the sun: and day after day, I saw it looming there. But I didn't understand what it was.


Well, onward through the desert ice I continued my lonely way, with a baleful shrinking terror in my heart; for very stupendous, alas! is the burden of that Arctic solitude upon one poor human soul.

Well, I pressed on through the frozen desert, feeling a deep sense of dread in my heart; for the weight of that Arctic solitude is truly staggering on a single human soul.

Sometimes on a halt I have lain and listened long to the hollow silence, recoiling, crushed by it, hoping that at least one of the dogs might whine. I have even crept shivering from the thawed sleeping-bag to flog a dog, so that I might hear a sound.

Sometimes when we stopped, I lay there listening to the deep silence, feeling overwhelmed by it, hoping that at least one of the dogs would whimper. I even crawled out of my warm sleeping bag to hit a dog, just so I could hear a sound.

I had started from the Pole with a well-filled sledge, and the sixteen dogs left alive from the ice-packing which buried my comrades. This was on the evening of the 13th April. I had saved from the wreck of our things most of the whey-powder, pemmican, &c., as well as the theodolite, compass, chronometer, train-oil lamp for cooking, and other implements: I was therefore in no doubt as to my course, and I had provisions for ninety days. But ten days from the start my supply of dog-food failed, and I had to begin to slaughter my only companions, one by one.

I had set out from the Pole with a well-packed sled and the sixteen dogs that survived the ice collapse that claimed my comrades. This was on the evening of April 13th. I had managed to save most of the whey powder, pemmican, and other supplies, as well as the theodolite, compass, chronometer, cooking lamp, and various tools: so I was clear about my route and had enough provisions for ninety days. However, ten days into my journey, my dog food ran out, and I had to start killing my only companions, one by one.

Well, in the third week the ice became horribly rough, and with moil and toil enough to wear a bear to death, I did only five miles a day. After the day's work I would crawl with a dying sigh into the sleeping-bag, clad still in the load of skins which stuck to me a mere filth of grease, to sleep the sleep of a swine, indifferent if I never woke.

Well, in the third week, the ice got incredibly rough, and after working so hard that it would tire out a bear, I managed to cover only five miles a day. At the end of each day, I would crawl into the sleeping bag with a weary sigh, still wearing the heavy skins that were just covered in grease, and sleep deeply, not caring if I ever woke up.

Always—day after day—on the south-eastern horizon, brooded sullenly that curious stretched-out region of purple vapour, like the smoke of the conflagration of the world. And I noticed that its length constantly reached out and out, and silently grew.

Always—day after day—on the southeastern horizon, that strange, elongated area of purple mist hung gloomily, like the smoke from the world's burning. And I noticed that its length continued to extend outward, silently growing.


Once I had a very pleasant dream. I dreamed that I was in a garden—an Arabian paradise—so sweet was the perfume. All the time, however, I had a sub-consciousness of the gale which was actually blowing from the S.E. over the ice, and, at the moment when I awoke, was half-wittedly droning to myself; 'It is a Garden of Peaches; but I am not really in the garden: I am really on the ice; only, the S.E. storm is wafting to me the aroma of this Garden of Peaches.'

Once, I had a really nice dream. I dreamed that I was in a garden—an Arabian paradise—with a sweet fragrance all around. However, I was also somewhat aware of the wind blowing from the southeast over the ice, and when I woke up, I was half-heartedly mumbling to myself, 'It’s a Garden of Peaches; but I’m not actually in the garden: I'm really on the ice; it’s just that the southeast storm is bringing me the scent of this Garden of Peaches.'

I opened my eyes—I started—I sprang to my feet! For, of all the miracles!—I could not doubt—an actual aroma like peach-blossom was in the algid air about me!

I opened my eyes—I jumped up—I sprang to my feet! For, of all the wonders!—I couldn't doubt it—there was an actual scent like peach blossoms in the cold air around me!

Before I could collect my astonished senses, I began to vomit pretty violently, and at the same time saw some of the dogs, mere skeletons as they were, vomiting, too. For a long time I lay very sick in a kind of daze, and, on rising, found two of the dogs dead, and all very queer. The wind had now changed to the north.

Before I could gather my surprised thoughts, I started to throw up pretty violently, and at the same time, I saw some of the dogs, looking like mere skeletons, throwing up as well. For a long time, I lay feeling very sick in a sort of daze, and when I finally got up, I found two of the dogs dead, and everything felt really strange. The wind had now shifted to the north.

Well, on I staggered, fighting every inch of my deplorably weary way. This odour of peach-blossom, my sickness, and the death of the two dogs, remained a wonder to me.

Well, I kept moving forward, struggling every step of my incredibly tired journey. The smell of peach blossoms, my illness, and the death of the two dogs continued to amaze me.

Two days later, to my extreme mystification (and joy), I came across a bear and its cub lying dead at the foot of a hummock. I could not believe my eyes. There she lay on her right side, a spot of dirty-white in a disordered patch of snow, with one little eye open, and her fierce-looking mouth also; and the cub lay across her haunch, biting into her rough fur. I set to work upon her, and allowed the dogs a glorious feed on the blubber, while I myself had a great banquet on the fresh meat. I had to leave the greater part of the two carcasses, and I can feel again now the hankering reluctance—quite unnecessary, as it turned out—with which I trudged onwards. Again and again I found myself asking: 'Now, what could have killed those two bears?'

Two days later, to my complete surprise (and happiness), I stumbled upon a bear and its cub lying dead at the base of a small hill. I couldn't believe my eyes. There she was, lying on her right side, a patch of dirty white in a messy area of snow, with one little eye open and her fierce-looking mouth as well; the cub was sprawled across her back, biting into her rough fur. I got to work on her and let the dogs enjoy a fantastic feast on the blubber, while I treated myself to a big meal of fresh meat. I had to leave most of the two carcasses behind, and I can still feel the lingering reluctance—completely unnecessary, as it turned out—with which I continued on my way. Over and over, I found myself wondering, "What could have killed those two bears?"

With brutish stolidness I plodded ever on, almost like a walking machine, sometimes nodding in sleep while I helped the dogs, or manouvred the sledge over an ice-ridge, pushing or pulling. On the 3rd June, a month and a half from my start, I took an observation with the theodolite, and found that I was not yet 400 miles from the Pole, in latitude 84° 50'. It was just as though some Will, some Will, was obstructing and retarding me.

With a heavy, unthinking determination, I trudged along, almost like a machine, sometimes dozing off while I helped the dogs or maneuvered the sled over an ice ridge, either pushing or pulling. On June 3rd, a month and a half after I started, I took a reading with the theodolite and realized I was still not even 400 miles from the Pole, at latitude 84° 50'. It felt like some force, some kind of Will, was standing in my way and slowing me down.

However, the intolerable cold was over, and soon my clothes no longer hung stark on me like armour. Pools began to appear in the ice, and presently, what was worse, my God, long lanes, across which, somehow, I had to get the sledge. But about the same time all fear of starvation passed away: for on the 6th June I came across another dead bear, on the 7th three, and thenceforth, in rapidly growing numbers, I met not bears only, but fulmars, guillemots, snipes, Ross's gulls, little awks—all, all, lying dead on the ice. And never anywhere a living thing, save me, and the two remaining dogs.

However, the unbearable cold was gone, and soon my clothes no longer felt like armor against me. Puddles started to form in the ice, and, even worse, I faced long stretches where I had to somehow maneuver the sledge. But around that time, all fear of starvation disappeared: on June 6th, I found another dead bear, on the 7th, three, and from then on, in increasing numbers, I encountered not just bears, but also fulmars, guillemots, snipes, Ross's gulls, and little awks—all of them lying dead on the ice. And there was never a living creature in sight, except for me and the two remaining dogs.

If ever a poor man stood shocked before a mystery, it was I now. I had a big fear on my heart.

If there was ever a poor guy who stood in shock before a mystery, it was me right now. I had a heavy fear in my heart.

On the 2nd July the ice began packing dangerously, and soon another storm broke loose upon me from the S.W. I left off my trek, and put up the silk tent on a five-acre square of ice surrounded by lanes: and again—for the second time—as I lay down, I smelled that delightful strange odour of peach-blossom, a mere whiff of it, and presently afterwards was taken sick. However, it passed off this time in a couple of hours.

On July 2nd, the ice started to pack dangerously, and soon another storm hit me from the southwest. I paused my trek and set up the silk tent on a five-acre patch of ice surrounded by lanes. And again—for the second time—as I lay down, I caught that lovely, strange scent of peach blossoms, just a brief whiff, and shortly after, I felt sick. Fortunately, it went away in a couple of hours this time.

Now it was all lanes, lanes, alas! yet no open water, and such was the difficulty and woe of my life, that sometimes I would drop flat on the ice, and sob: 'Oh, no more, no more, my God: here let me die.' The crossing of a lane might occupy ten or twelve entire hours, and then, on the other side I might find another one opening right before me. Moreover, on the 8th July, one of the dogs, after a feed on blubber, suddenly died; and there was left me only 'Reinhardt,' a white-haired Siberian dog, with little pert up-sticking ears, like a cat's. Him, too, I had to kill on coming to open water.

Now it was all lanes, lanes, unfortunately! yet no open water, and the difficulty and misery of my life were such that sometimes I would drop flat on the ice and sob, 'Oh, no more, no more, my God: let me die here.' Crossing a lane could take ten or twelve full hours, and then, on the other side, I might find another one right in front of me. Furthermore, on July 8th, one of the dogs, after eating blubber, suddenly died; and I was left with only 'Reinhardt,' a white-haired Siberian dog with little pointed ears, like a cat's. I also had to kill him when I reached open water.

This did not happen till the 3rd August, nearly four months from the Pole.

This didn't happen until August 3rd, nearly four months after reaching the Pole.

I can't think, my God, that any heart of man ever tholed the appalling nightmare and black abysm of sensations in which, during those four long desert months, I weltered: for though I was as a brute, I had a man's heart to feel. What I had seen, or dreamed, at the Pole followed and followed me; and if I shut my poor weary eyes to sleep, those others yonder seemed to watch me still with their distraught and gloomy gaze, and in my spinning dark dreams spun that eternal ecstasy of the lake.

I can't believe that any human heart has ever endured the terrifying nightmare and deep despair of emotions that I experienced during those four long months in the desert. Even though I acted like an animal, I still had a human heart to feel. What I witnessed, or imagined, at the Pole continued to haunt me; and if I closed my tired eyes to sleep, those others over there seemed to keep watching me with their troubled and sad eyes, and in my chaotic, dark dreams, I kept reliving that endless ecstasy of the lake.

However, by the 28th July I knew from the look of the sky, and the absence of fresh-water ice, that the sea could not be far; so I set to work, and spent two days in putting to rights the now battered kayak. This done, I had no sooner resumed my way than I sighted far off a streaky haze, which I knew to be the basalt cliffs of Franz Josef Land; and in a craziness of joy I stood there, waving my ski-staff about my head, with the senile cheers of a very old man.

However, by July 28th, I could tell from the look of the sky and the lack of fresh-water ice that the sea couldn't be too far away; so I got to work and spent two days fixing up my now damaged kayak. Once that was done, I had barely started on my journey again when I spotted a distant hazy strip, which I recognized as the basalt cliffs of Franz Josef Land; in a burst of joy, I stood there waving my ski pole above my head, cheering like an elderly man.

In four days this land was visibly nearer, sheer basaltic cliffs mixed with glacier, forming apparently a great bay, with two small islands in the mid-distance; and at fore-day of the 3rd August I arrived at the definite edge of the pack-ice in moderate weather at about the freezing-point.

In four days, this land was clearly closer, with steep basalt cliffs mixed with glacier, creating what looked like a large bay, featuring two small islands in the middle distance; and at dawn on August 3rd, I reached the clear edge of the pack ice in mild weather at around freezing.

I at once, but with great reluctance, shot Reinhardt, and set to work to get the last of the provisions, and the most necessary of the implements, into the kayak, making haste to put out to the toilless luxury of being borne on the water, after all the weary trudge. Within fourteen hours I was coasting, with my little lug-sail spread, along the shore-ice of that land. It was midnight of a calm Sabbath, and low on the horizon smoked the drowsing red sun-ball, as my canvas skiff lightly chopped her little way through this silent sea. Silent, silent: for neither snort of walrus, nor yelp of fox, nor cry of startled kittiwake, did I hear: but all was still as the jet-black shadow of the cliffs and glacier on the tranquil sea: and many bodies of dead things strewed the surface of the water.

I immediately, but with great reluctance, shot Reinhardt and started working to get the last of the supplies and the most essential tools into the kayak, hurrying to enjoy the effortless luxury of being carried on the water after all the exhausting walking. Within fourteen hours, I was gliding along the shore-ice of that land with my little sail up. It was midnight on a calm Sunday, and low on the horizon, the drowsy red sun was setting as my canvas skiff gently made its way through this silent sea. Silent, silent: for I didn’t hear the snort of walrus, the yelp of fox, or the cry of startled kittiwake; everything was still as the jet-black shadows of the cliffs and glacier on the peaceful sea, with many dead bodies scattered on the water's surface.


When I found a little fjord, I went up it to the end where stood a stretch of basalt columns, looking like a shattered temple of Antediluvians; and when my foot at last touched land, I sat down there a long, long time in the rubbly snow, and silently wept. My eyes that night were like a fountain of tears. For the firm land is health and sanity, and dear to the life of man; but I say that the great ungenial ice is a nightmare, and a blasphemy, and a madness, and the realm of the Power of Darkness.

When I discovered a small fjord, I ventured to the very end where there was a stretch of basalt columns that resembled a collapsed temple of ancient beings; and once my foot finally touched solid ground, I sat there for a long, long time in the lumpy snow, and silently cried. My eyes that night were like a fountain of tears. For solid land represents health and sanity, cherished by humanity; but I argue that the vast, harsh ice is a nightmare, a blasphemy, madness, and the domain of the Forces of Darkness.


I knew that I was at Franz Josef Land, somewhere or other in the neighbourhood of C. Fligely (about 82° N.), and though it was so late, and getting cold, I still had the hope of reaching Spitzbergen that year, by alternately sailing all open water, and dragging the kayak over the slack drift-ice. All the ice which I saw was good flat fjord-ice, and the plan seemed feasible enough; so after coasting about a little, and then three days' good rest in the tent at the bottom of a ravine of columnar basalt opening upon the shore, I packed some bear and walrus flesh, with what artificial food was left, into the kayak, and I set out early in the morning, coasting the shore-ice with sail and paddle. In the afternoon I managed to climb a little way up an iceberg, and made out that I was in a bay whose terminating headlands were invisible. I accordingly decided to make S.W. by W. to cross it, but, in doing so, I was hardly out of sight of land, when a northern storm overtook me toward midnight; before I could think, the little sail was all but whiffed away, and the kayak upset. I only saved it by the happy chance of being near a floe with an ice-foot, which, projecting under the water, gave me foot-hold; and I lay on the floe in a mooning state the whole night under the storm, for I was half drowned.

I knew I was at Franz Josef Land, somewhere near C. Fligely (about 82° N.), and even though it was late and getting cold, I still hoped to reach Spitzbergen that year by alternating between sailing on open water and dragging the kayak over the loose drift ice. All the ice I saw was good, flat fjord ice, and the plan seemed pretty doable. After coasting around a bit and getting a solid three days of rest in the tent at the bottom of a basalt ravine opening onto the shore, I packed some bear and walrus meat along with whatever artificial food I had left into the kayak, and I set out early in the morning, paddling alongside the shore ice with my sail. In the afternoon, I managed to climb a little way up an iceberg and figured out that I was in a bay where the far headlands were out of sight. So, I decided to head S.W. by W. to cross it, but as soon as I was almost out of sight of land, a northern storm hit me around midnight. Before I could react, my little sail was nearly torn away, and the kayak flipped over. I only managed to save it by a lucky chance of being close to a floe with an ice-foot, which projected under the water and gave me something to stand on. I lay on the floe in a daze the whole night under the storm, as I was half-drowned.

And at once, on recovering myself, I abandoned all thought of whalers and of Europe for that year. Happily, my instruments, &c., had been saved by the kayak-deck when she capsized.

And immediately, once I collected myself, I let go of any thoughts about whalers and Europe for that year. Fortunately, my equipment, etc., had been saved by the kayak deck when it flipped over.


A hundred yards inland from the shore-rim, in a circular place where there was some moss and soil, I built myself a semi-subterranean Eskimo den for the long Polar night. The spot was quite surrounded by high sloping walls of basalt, except to the west, where they opened in a three-foot cleft to the shore, and the ground was strewn with slabs and boulders of granite and basalt. I found there a dead she-bear, two well-grown cubs, and a fox, the latter having evidently fallen from the cliffs; in three places the snow was quite red, overgrown with a red lichen, which at first I took for blood. I did not even yet feel secure from possible bears, and took care to make my den fairly tight, a work which occupied me nearly four weeks, for I had no tools, save a hatchet, knife, and metal-shod ski-staff. I dug a passage in the ground two feet wide, two deep, and ten long, with perpendicular sides, and at its north end a circular space, twelve feet across, also with perpendicular sides, which I lined with stones; the whole excavation I covered with inch-thick walrus-hide, skinned during a whole bitter week from four of a number that lay about the shore-ice; for ridge-pole I used a thin pointed rock which I found near, though, even so, the roof remained nearly flat. This, when it was finished, I stocked well, putting in everything, except the kayak, blubber to serve both for fuel and occasional light, and foods of several sorts, which I procured by merely stretching out the hand. The roof of both circular part and passage was soon buried under snow and ice, and hardly distinguishable from the general level of the white-clad ground. Through the passage, if I passed in or out, I crawled flat, on hands and knees: but that was rare: and in the little round interior, mostly sitting in a cowering attitude, I wintered, harkening to the large and windy ravings of darkling December storms above me.

A hundred yards from the shoreline, in a circular spot with some moss and dirt, I built myself a semi-subterranean Eskimo den for the long Polar night. The area was mostly surrounded by tall, sloping basalt walls, except for the west side, which opened into a three-foot gap to the shore, littered with slabs and boulders of granite and basalt. There, I found a dead female bear, two grown cubs, and a fox that had clearly fallen from the cliffs; in three spots, the snow was stained red, covered in a red lichen that I initially mistook for blood. I didn’t feel completely safe from bears yet, so I worked on making my den fairly tight, a task that took me nearly four weeks since I only had a hatchet, a knife, and a metal-tipped ski pole as tools. I dug a passage two feet wide, two feet deep, and ten feet long, with vertical sides, and at the north end, I created a circular area twelve feet across, also with vertical sides, which I lined with stones. I covered the entire excavation with an inch-thick walrus hide, which I skinned over a grueling week from four of the animals that were lying around the shore ice. For the ridge pole, I used a thin, pointed rock I found nearby; still, the roof ended up nearly flat. Once it was finished, I stocked it well, putting in everything except the kayak, blubber for fuel and occasional light, and various food items I gathered just by reaching out. The roof of both the circular area and the passage quickly got buried under snow and ice, making it almost indistinguishable from the surrounding white landscape. Whenever I crawled in or out through the passage, I had to go on my hands and knees, but that was rare. Inside the little round space, mostly sitting in a crouched position, I spent the winter, listening to the loud and wild December storms raging above me.


All those months the burden of a thought bowed me; and an unanswered question, like the slow turning of a mechanism, revolved in my gloomy spirit: for everywhere around me lay bears, walruses, foxes, thousands upon thousands of little awks, kittiwakes, snow-owls, eider-ducks, gulls-dead, dead. Almost the only living things which I saw were some walruses on the drift-floes: but very few compared with the number which I expected. It was clear to me that some inconceivable catastrophe had overtaken the island during the summer, destroying all life about it, except some few of the amphibia, cetacea, and crustacea.

For all those months, the weight of a thought pressed down on me, and an unanswered question, like the slow turning of a mechanism, revolved in my dark spirit: everywhere around me were bears, walruses, foxes, and thousands upon thousands of little auks, kittiwakes, snow owls, eider ducks, and dead gulls—just dead. Almost the only living beings I saw were a few walruses on the drifting ice, but they were much fewer than I had expected. It was clear to me that some unimaginable disaster had struck the island during the summer, wiping out all life around it, except for a few amphibians, cetaceans, and crustaceans.

On the 5th December, having crept out from the den during a southern storm, I had, for the third time, a distant whiff of that self-same odour of peach-blossom: but now without any after-effects.

On December 5th, after sneaking out from the den during a southern storm, I caught, for the third time, a faint smell of peach blossoms: but this time, it had no after-effects.


Well, again came Christmas, the New Year—Spring: and on the 22nd May I set out with a well-stocked kayak. The water was fairly open, and the ice so good, that at one place I could sail the kayak over it, the wind sending me sliding at a fine pace. Being on the west coast of Franz Josef Land, I was in as favourable a situation as possible, and I turned my bow southward with much hope, keeping a good many days just in sight of land. Toward the evening of my third day out I noticed a large flat floe, presenting far-off a singular and lovely sight, for it seemed freighted thick with a profusion of pink and white roses, showing in its clear crystal the empurpled reflection. On getting near I saw that it was covered with millions of Ross's gulls, all dead, whose pretty rosy bosoms had given it that appearance.

Well, again it was Christmas, then New Year—Spring: and on May 22nd, I set out with a well-stocked kayak. The water was quite open, and the ice was in such good shape that at one point I could sail the kayak over it, the wind pushing me along at a nice speed. Being on the west coast of Franz Josef Land, I had the best possible conditions, and I turned my bow southward with a lot of hope, keeping land in sight for several days. Toward the evening of my third day out, I noticed a large flat ice floe, presenting a unique and beautiful sight from a distance, as it looked like it was covered with a bunch of pink and white roses, showing in its clear surface the deep purple reflection. As I got closer, I realized it was covered with millions of dead Ross's gulls, whose pretty rosy chests had given it that appearance.

Up to the 29th June I made good progress southward and westward (the weather being mostly excellent), sometimes meeting dead bears, floating away on floes, sometimes dead or living walrus-herds, with troop after troop of dead kittiwakes, glaucus and ivory gulls, skuas, and every kind of Arctic fowl. On that last day—the 29th June—I was about to encamp on a floe soon after midnight, when, happening to look toward the sun, my eye fell, far away south across the ocean of floes, upon something—the masts of a ship.

Up until June 29th, I made good progress heading south and west (the weather was mostly great), sometimes coming across dead bears drifting on ice floes, other times encountering dead or live walrus herds, along with numerous dead kittiwakes, glaucus and ivory gulls, skuas, and all kinds of Arctic birds. On that last day—June 29th—I was about to set up camp on a floe shortly after midnight when, glancing toward the sun, I spotted something far to the south across the ocean of floes—the masts of a ship.

A phantom ship, or a real ship: it was all one; real, I must have instantly felt, it could not be: but at a sight so incredible my heart set to beating in my bosom as though I must surely die, and feebly waving the cane oar about my head, I staggered to my knees, and thence with wry mouth toppled flat.

A ghost ship, or a real ship: it didn't really matter; I must have instantly felt it wasn't real: but at such an unbelievable sight, my heart raced in my chest as if I might actually die, and weakly waving the paddle above my head, I staggered to my knees, and then, grimacing, collapsed flat on my face.

So overpoweringly sweet was the thought of springing once more, like the beasts of Circe, from a walrus into a man. At this time I was tearing my bear's-meat just like a bear; I was washing my hands in walrus-blood to produce a glairy sort of pink cleanliness, in place of the black grease which chronically coated them.

So incredibly sweet was the idea of transforming again, like the beasts of Circe, from a walrus back into a man. At that moment, I was tearing into my bear meat just like a bear; I was washing my hands in walrus blood to create a slimy kind of pink cleanliness, instead of the persistent black grease that usually coated them.

Worn as I was, I made little delay to set out for that ship; and I had not travelled over water and ice four hours when, to my in-describable joy, I made out from the top of a steep floe that she was the Boreal. It seemed most strange that she should be anywhere hereabouts: I could only conclude that she must have forced and drifted her way thus far westward out of the ice-block in which our party had left her, and perhaps now was loitering here in the hope of picking us up on our way to Spitzbergen.

Worn out as I was, I wasted no time setting off for that ship; and after traveling over water and ice for four hours, to my indescribable joy, I spotted her from the top of a steep ice floe—she was the Boreal. It seemed so strange that she would be anywhere near here: I could only guess that she must have forced her way westward out of the ice pack where our party had left her, and perhaps she was now just waiting here, hoping to pick us up on our way to Spitzbergen.

In any case, wild was the haste with which I fought my way to be at her, my gasping mouth all the time drawn back in a rictus of laughter at the anticipation of their gladness to see me, their excitement to hear the grand tidings of the Pole attained. Anon I waved the paddle, though I knew that they could not yet see me, and then I dug deep at the whitish water. What astonished me was her main-sail and fore-mast square-sail—set that calm morning; and her screws were still, for she moved not at all. The sun was abroad like a cold spirit of light, touching the great ocean-room of floes with dazzling spots, and a tint almost of rose was on the world, as it were of a just-dead bride in her spangles and white array. The Boreal was the one little distant jet-black spot in all this purity: and upon her, as though she were Heaven, I paddled, I panted. But she was in a queerish state: by 9 A.M. I could see that. Two of the windmill arms were not there, and half lowered down her starboard beam a boat hung askew; moreover, soon after 10 I could clearly see that her main-sail had a long rent down the middle.

In any case, I rushed to get to her, my breathless mouth constantly pulled back in a grin at the thought of how happy they would be to see me and how excited they would be to hear the great news of reaching the Pole. Soon, I waved the paddle, even though I knew they couldn’t see me yet, and then I dug deep into the pale water. What surprised me was her main sail and foremast square sail—set on that calm morning; her engines were still, as she didn’t move at all. The sun shone like a cold spirit of light, casting bright spots on the vast ocean of ice, and the world had a soft rosy hue, like a recently deceased bride in her jewels and white dress. The Boreal was the only tiny black spot in all this brightness: and there I paddled, panting, as if she were Heaven. But she was in a strange condition: by 9 A.M. I could see that. Two of the windmill arms were missing, and a boat hung crookedly from her starboard side; moreover, shortly after 10, I could clearly see that her main sail had a long tear down the middle.

I could not at all make her out. She was not anchored, though a sheet-anchor hung over at the starboard cathead; she was not moored; and two small ice-floes, one on each side, were sluggishly bombarding her bows.

I couldn’t figure her out at all. She wasn’t anchored, though a heavy anchor was hanging over the right side; she wasn’t tied up; and two small ice floes, one on each side, were lazily smashing into her front.

I began now to wave the paddle, battling for my breath, ecstatic, crazy with excitement, each second like a year to me. Very soon I could make out someone at the bows, leaning well over, looking my way. Something put it into my head that it was Sallitt, and I began an impassioned shouting. 'Hi! Sallitt! Hallo! Hi!' I called.

I started waving the paddle, fighting for my breath, thrilled, completely overwhelmed with excitement, every second feeling like a year. Before long, I could see someone at the front, leaning over and looking in my direction. It popped into my head that it was Sallitt, so I began to shout passionately. "Hey! Sallitt! Hello! Hey!" I called.

I did not see him move: I was still a good way off: but there he stood, leaning steadily over, looking my way. Between me and the ship now was all navigable water among the floes, and the sight of him so visibly near put into me such a shivering eagerness, that I was nothing else but a madman for the time, sending the kayak flying with venomous digs in quick-repeated spurts, and mixing with the diggings my crazy wavings, and with both the daft shoutings of 'Hallo! Hi! Bravo! I have been to the Pole!'

I didn’t see him move; I was still quite a distance away. But there he was, leaning forward and looking in my direction. Between me and the ship was all navigable water among the ice floes, and seeing him so close filled me with an uncontrollable excitement. I felt like a madman in that moment, propelling the kayak forward with aggressive strokes, mixing in wild gestures and shouting, “Hey! Hi! Awesome! I’ve been to the Pole!

Well, vanity, vanity. Nearer still I drew: it was broad morning, going on toward noon: I was half a mile away, I was fifty yards. But on board the Boreal, though now they must have heard me, seen me, I observed no movement of welcome, but all, all was still as death that still Arctic morning, my God. Only, the ragged sail flapped a little, and—one on each side—two ice-floes sluggishly bombarded the bows, with hollow sounds.

Well, vanity, vanity. I moved closer: it was a bright morning, approaching noon: I was half a mile away, then just fifty yards. But on board the Boreal, even though they definitely heard and saw me, there was no sign of welcome; everything was as silent as death on that still Arctic morning, my God. The only sound was the torn sail flapping a bit, and—one on each side—two ice floes slowly crashing against the front, making hollow noises.

I was certain now that Sallitt it was who looked across the ice: but when the ship swung a little round, I noticed that the direction of his gaze was carried with her movement, he no longer looking my way.

I was sure now that it was Sallitt who was looking across the ice; but when the ship turned slightly, I saw that the direction of his gaze shifted with her movement, and he was no longer looking my way.

'Why, Sallitt!' I shouted reproachfully: 'why, Sallitt, man...!' I whined.

'Why, Sallitt!' I shouted with disappointment. 'Why, Sallitt, come on...!' I complained.

But even as I shouted and whined, a perfect wild certainty was in my heart: for an aroma like peach, my God, had been suddenly wafted from the ship upon me, and I must have very well known then that that watchful outlook of Sallitt saw nothing, and on the Boreal were dead men all; indeed, very soon I saw one of his eyes looking like a glass eye which has slid askew, and glares distraught. And now again my wretched body failed, and my head dropped forward, where I sat, upon the kayak-deck.

But even as I yelled and complained, I felt a strange certainty in my heart: a scent like peach, my God, had suddenly drifted from the ship to me, and I must have known that Sallitt's watchful gaze saw nothing, and there were dead men all over the Boreal; indeed, soon I noticed one of his eyes looking like a glass eye that had slipped out of place, staring wildly. And once again, my miserable body gave out, and my head fell forward onto the kayak deck where I sat.


Well, after a long time, I lifted myself to look again at that forlorn and wandering craft. There she lay, quiet, tragic, as it were culpable of the dark secret she bore; and Sallitt, who had been such good friends with me, would not cease his stare. I knew quite well why he was there: he had leant over to vomit, and had leant ever since, his forearms pressed on the bulwark-beam, his left knee against the boards, and his left shoulder propped on the cathead. When I came quite near, I saw that with every bump of the two floes against the bows, his face shook in response, and nodded a little; strange to say, he had no covering on his head, and I noted the play of the faint breezes in his uncut hair. After a time I would approach no more, for I was afraid; I did not dare, the silence of the ship seemed so sacred and awful; and till late afternoon I sat there, watching the black and massive hull. Above her water-line emerged all round a half-floating fringe of fresh-green sea-weed, proving old neglect; an abortive attempt had apparently been made to lower, or take in, the larch-wood pram, for there she hung by a jammed davit-rope, stern up, bow in the water; the only two arms of the windmill moved this way and that, through some three degrees, with an andante creaking sing-song; some washed clothes, tied on the bow-sprit rigging to dry, were still there; the iron casing all round the bluff bows was red and rough with rust; at several points the rigging was in considerable tangle; occasionally the boom moved a little with a tortured skirling cadence; and the sail, rotten, I presume, from exposure—for she had certainly encountered no bad weather—gave out anon a heavy languid flap at a rent down the middle. Besides Sallitt, looking out there where he had jammed himself, I saw no one.

Well, after a long time, I lifted myself up to look again at that sad and aimless boat. There it lay, quiet and tragic, almost guilty of the dark secret it held; and Sallitt, who had been such a good friend to me, wouldn’t stop staring. I knew exactly why he was there: he had leaned over to vomit and hadn't moved since, his forearms resting on the railing, his left knee against the boards, and his left shoulder propped on the cathead. When I got close, I saw that with every bump of the two ice floes against the bows, his face shook and nodded slightly; strangely, he had no covering on his head, and I noticed the gentle breeze playing with his uncut hair. After a while, I didn’t dare approach any closer, because I was afraid; the silence of the ship felt so sacred and terrible. So, I sat there until late afternoon, watching the dark, heavy hull. Above the waterline, there was a half-floating fringe of fresh green seaweed all around, showing old neglect; it seemed an unsuccessful attempt had been made to lower or retrieve the larch-wood pram, as it hung by a jammed davit rope, stern up, bow in the water. The only two arms of the windmill moved slightly back and forth, a couple of degrees, with a creaking, sing-song sound; some washed clothes were still tied to the bowsprit rigging to dry; the iron casing around the stout bows was red and rough with rust; in several places, the rigging was in a considerable tangle; occasionally, the boom moved a bit with a tortured, skirling sound; and the sail, probably rotten from exposure—since it had definitely not faced any bad weather—would let out a heavy, languid flap from a tear down the middle. Besides Sallitt, who was looking out there where he had wedged himself, I saw no one.

By a paddle-stroke now, and another presently, I had closely approached her about four in the afternoon, though my awe of the ship was complicated by that perfume of hers, whose fearful effects I knew. My tentative approach, however, proved to me, when I remained unaffected, that, here and now, whatever danger there had been was past; and finally, by a hanging rope, with a thumping desperation of heart, I clambered up her beam.

By paddling once and then again, I got pretty close to her around four in the afternoon, though my respect for the ship was mixed with the scent she wore, which I knew had a powerful impact. However, as I cautiously approached and remained unaffected, I realized that any danger that had existed was behind me; finally, with my heart racing, I climbed up her beam using a rope that was hanging down.


They had died, it seemed, very suddenly, for nearly all the twelve were in poses of activity. Egan was in the very act of ascending the companion-way; Lamburn was sitting against the chart-room door, apparently cleaning two carbines; Odling at the bottom of the engine-room stair seemed to be drawing on a pair of reindeer komagar; and Cartwright, who was often in liquor, had his arms frozen tight round the neck of Martin, whom he seemed to be kissing, they two lying stark at the foot of the mizzen-mast.

They had died, it seemed, very suddenly, because almost all twelve were in the middle of doing something. Egan was just about to go up the stairs; Lamburn was leaning against the chart-room door, apparently cleaning two carbines; Odling at the bottom of the engine-room stairs appeared to be putting on a pair of reindeer komagar; and Cartwright, who often drank too much, had his arms frozen tight around Martin's neck, as if he were kissing him, the two of them lying lifeless at the base of the mizzen-mast.

Over all—over men, decks, rope-coils—in the cabin, in the engine-room—between skylight leaves—on every shelf, in every cranny—lay a purplish ash or dust, very impalpably fine. And steadily reigning throughout the ship, like the very spirit of death, was that aroma of peach-blossom.

Over everything—over people, decks, coils of rope—in the cabin, in the engine room—between the skylight slats—on every shelf, in every nook—lay a purplish ash or dust, very fine and almost imperceptible. And permeating the entire ship, like the spirit of death itself, was the scent of peach blossoms.


Here it had reigned, as I could see from the log-dates, from the rust on the machinery, from the look of the bodies, from a hundred indications, during something over a year. It was, therefore, mainly by the random workings of winds and currents that this fragrant ship of death had been brought hither to me.

Here it had ruled, as I could tell from the log entries, from the rust on the machinery, from the condition of the bodies, and from a hundred other signs, for a little more than a year. So, it was mostly due to the random effects of winds and currents that this eerie ship of death had been brought here to me.

And this was the first direct intimation which I had that the Unseen Powers (whoever and whatever they may be), who through the history of the world had been so very, very careful to conceal their Hand from the eyes of men, hardly any longer intended to be at the pains to conceal their Hand from me. It was just as though the Boreal had been openly presented to me by a spiritual agency, which, though I could not see it, I could readily apprehend.

And this was the first clear sign I got that the Unseen Powers (whoever or whatever they might be), who throughout history had carefully hidden their influence from people, were no longer trying to keep it from me. It felt as if a spiritual force had openly revealed the Boreal to me, something I couldn't see but could easily understand.


The dust, though very thin and flighty above-decks, lay thickly deposited below, and after having made a tour of investigation throughout the ship, the first thing which I did was to examine that—though I had tasted nothing all day, and was exhausted to death. I found my own microscope where I had left it in the box in my berth to starboard, though I had to lift up Egan to get at it, and to step over Lamburn to enter the chart-room; but there, toward evening, I sat at the table and bent to see if I could make anything of the dust, while it seemed to me as if all the myriad spirits of men that have sojourned on the earth, and angel and devil, and all Time and all Eternity, hung silent round for my decision; and such an ague had me, that for a long time my wandering finger-tips, all ataxic with agitation, eluded every delicate effort which I made, and I could nothing do. Of course, I know that an odour of peach-blossom in the air, resulting in death, could only be associated with some vaporous effluvium of cyanogen, or of hydrocyanic ('prussic') acid, or of both; and when I at last managed to examine some of the dust under the microscope, I was not therefore surprised to find, among the general mass of purplish ash, a number of bright-yellow particles, which could only be minute crystals of potassic ferrocyanide. What potassic ferrocyanide was doing on board the Boreal I did not know, and I had neither the means, nor the force of mind, alas! to dive then further into the mystery; I understood only that by some extraordinary means the air of the region just south of the Polar environ had been impregnated with a vapour which was either cyanogen, or some product of cyanogen; also, that this deadly vapour, which is very soluble, had by now either been dissolved by the sea, or else dispersed into space (probably the latter), leaving only its faint after-perfume; and seeing this, I let my poor abandoned head drop again on the table, and long hours I sat there staring mad, for I had a suspicion, my God, and a fear, in my breast.

The dust, although very fine and light on the deck, was thickly settled below. After exploring the ship, the first thing I did was to check that—despite not having eaten anything all day and feeling completely drained. I found my microscope where I had left it in the box in my bunk to the right, though I had to move Egan to reach it and step over Lamburn to enter the chart room. There, around evening, I sat at the table and leaned in to see if I could make sense of the dust. It felt like all the countless spirits of those who have lived on Earth, along with angels and demons, as well as all of Time and Eternity, were silently waiting for me to decide. I was so shaken that for a long time, my trembling fingers, completely unsteady, couldn't manage any precise movements, and I couldn't do anything. Of course, I understood that a scent of peach-blossom in the air, linked to death, could only be connected to some vaporous substance of cyanogen or hydrocyanic (prussic) acid, or both. When I finally managed to look at some of the dust under the microscope, I wasn't surprised to find, among the general mass of purplish ash, several bright yellow particles that could only be tiny crystals of potassic ferrocyanide. I had no idea what potassic ferrocyanide was doing on the Boreal, and I lacked the means or the mental energy, alas! to delve deeper into the mystery at that moment. I only understood that somehow, the air in the region just south of the Polar area had become mixed with a vapor that was either cyanogen or some product of it; also, that this deadly vapor, which is highly soluble, had either been absorbed by the sea or dispersed into the atmosphere (probably the latter), leaving only its faint after-scent. Seeing this, I let my tired head drop back on the table and sat there for long hours, staring in madness, for I felt a suspicion, my God, and a fear in my chest.


The Boreal, I found, contained sufficient provisions, untouched by the dust, in cases, casks, &c., to last me, probably, fifty years. After two days, when I had partially scrubbed and boiled the filth of fifteen months from my skin, and solaced myself with better food, I overhauled her thoroughly, and spent three more days in oiling and cleaning the engine. Then, all being ready, I dragged my twelve dead and laid them together in two rows on the chart-room floor; and I hoisted for love the poor little kayak which had served me through so many tribulations. At nine in the morning of the 6th July, a week from my first sighting of the Boreal, I descended to the engine-room to set out.

The Boreal had enough supplies, untouched by dust, in crates, barrels, etc., to last me probably fifty years. After two days of scrubbing and boiling off the grime of fifteen months from my skin and treating myself to better food, I went through everything thoroughly and spent three more days oiling and cleaning the engine. With everything ready, I gathered my twelve dead and laid them out in two rows on the chart room floor; I also hoisted the poor little kayak that had helped me through so many hardships. At nine in the morning on July 6th, a week after I first spotted the Boreal, I went down to the engine room to set out.

The screws, like those of most quite modern ships, were driven by the simple contrivance of a constant stream of liquid air, contained in very powerful tanks, exploding through capillary tubes into non-expansion slide-valve chests, much as in the ordinary way with steam: a motor which gave her, in spite of her bluff hulk, a speed of sixteen knots. It is, therefore, the simplest thing for one man to take these ships round the world, since their movement, or stopping, depend upon nothing but the depressing or raising of a steel handle, provided that one does not get blown to the sky meantime, as liquid air, in spite of its thousand advantages, occasionally blows people. At any rate, I had tanks of air sufficient to last me through twelve years' voyaging; and there was the ordinary machine on board for making it, with forty tons of coal, in case of need, in the bunkers, and two excellent Belleville boilers: so I was well supplied with motors at least.

The screws, like those on most modern ships, were powered by a straightforward system that used a constant stream of liquid air stored in very powerful tanks, which shot through capillary tubes into non-expansion slide-valve chests, much like steam engines do. This setup allowed her to achieve a speed of sixteen knots, despite her bulky frame. As a result, it’s pretty easy for one person to navigate these ships around the world since their movement or halting only depends on pushing down or pulling up a steel handle, as long as you don’t get blown away in the process—liquid air, despite its many benefits, sometimes causes explosions. In any case, I had enough air tanks to last me through twelve years of travel; there was also the usual machine on board to produce it, along with forty tons of coal in the bunkers for emergencies, and two great Belleville boilers: so I was well-equipped with engines at least.

The ice here was quite slack, and I do not think I ever saw Arctic weather so bright and gay, the temperature at 41°. I found that I was midway between Franz Josef and Spitzbergen, in latitude 79° 23' N. and longitude 39° E.; my way was perfectly clear; and something almost like a mournful hopefulness was in me as the engines slid into their clanking turmoil, and those long-silent screws began to churn the Arctic sea. I ran up with alacrity and took my stand at the wheel; and the bows of my eventful Argo turned southward and westward.

The ice here was pretty loose, and I don't think I've ever seen Arctic weather so bright and cheerful, with the temperature at 41°. I realized I was halfway between Franz Josef and Spitzbergen, at latitude 79° 23' N. and longitude 39° E.; my path was completely clear; and I felt a sort of sad hopefulness as the engines started their clanking noise, and those long-silent propellers began to stir the Arctic sea. I quickly ran up and took my place at the wheel, and the front of my adventurous ship turned south and west.


When I needed food or sleep, the ship slept, too: when I awoke, she continued her way.

When I needed food or sleep, the ship rested, too: when I woke up, she carried on.

Sixteen hours a day sometimes I stood sentinel at that wheel, overlooking the varied monotony of the ice-sea, till my knees would give, and I wondered why a wheel at which one might sit was not contrived, rather delicate steering being often required among the floes and bergs. By now, however, I was less weighted with my ball of Polar clothes, and stood almost slim in a Lap great-coat, a round Siberian fur cap on my head.

Sixteen hours a day, I sometimes stood watch at that wheel, looking out over the endless sameness of the icy sea, until my knees would give out. I found myself questioning why there wasn’t a wheel designed for sitting, since delicate steering was often necessary among the ice chunks and glaciers. By this point, though, I felt lighter without the heavy Polar clothing, and I stood almost slim in a thick Lap coat, wearing a round Siberian fur cap on my head.

At midnight when I threw myself into my old berth, it was just as though the engines, subsided now into silence, were a dead thing, and had a ghost which haunted me; for I heard them still, and yet not them, but the silence of their ghost.

At midnight, when I flopped into my old bed, it felt like the engines, now quiet, were just a lifeless piece of machinery with a spirit that lingered around me; I could still hear them, but it was more like the silence of their ghost.

Sometimes I would startle from sleep, horrified to the heart at some sound of exploding iceberg, or bumping floe, noising far through that white mystery of quietude, where the floes and bergs were as floating tombs, and the world a liquid cemetery. Never could I describe the strange Doom's-day shock with which such a sound would recall me from far depths of chaos to recollection of myself: for often-times, both waking and in nightmare, I did not know on which planet I was, nor in which Age, but felt myself adrift in the great gulf of time and space and circumstance, without bottom for my consciousness to stand upon; and the world was all mirage and a new show to me; and the boundaries of dream and waking lost.

Sometimes I would wake up suddenly, terrified by the sound of an icebergs breaking apart or a drifting ice floe crashing, echoing through that white silence, where the ice floes and icebergs felt like floating graves and the world was a watery graveyard. I could never quite explain the strange, end-of-the-world jolt that such a sound would bring me back from the deep chaos to awareness of myself: for often, both when awake and in nightmares, I didn’t know which planet I was on or what era it was, but felt lost in the vast emptiness of time, space, and circumstance, with no solid ground for my consciousness; and the world appeared as nothing but an illusion, a new spectacle to me; and the lines between dreaming and being awake blurred.

Well, the weather was most fair all the time, and the sea like a pond. During the morning of the fifth day, the 11th July, I entered, and went moving down, an extraordinary long avenue of snow-bergs and floes, most regularly placed, half a mile across and miles long, like a Titanic double-procession of statues, or the Ming Tombs, but rising and sinking on the cadenced swell; many towering high, throwing placid shadows on the aisle between; some being of a lucid emerald tint; and three or four pouring down cascades that gave a far and chaunting sound. The sea between was of a strange thick bluishness, almost like raw egg-white; while, as always here, some snow-clouds, white and woolly, floated in the pale sky. Down this avenue, which produced a mysterious impression of Cyclopean cathedrals and odd sequesteredness, I had not passed a mile, when I sighted a black object at the end.

Well, the weather was beautiful the whole time, and the sea was calm like a pond. On the morning of the fifth day, July 11th, I entered and started moving down an incredibly long avenue of icebergs and floes, neatly arranged, half a mile across and miles long, like a gigantic double procession of statues, or the Ming Tombs, rising and falling on the gentle swell; many towering high, casting serene shadows on the aisle between; some were a clear emerald color; and three or four were pouring down cascades that created a distant, haunting sound. The sea between was a strange thick bluish color, almost like raw egg whites; and, as always here, some white, fluffy snow clouds floated in the pale sky. As I made my way down this avenue, which gave off a mysterious vibe of gigantic cathedrals and odd solitude, I hadn’t gone a mile when I spotted a black object at the end.

I rushed to the shrouds, and very soon made out a whaler.

I hurried to the sails and quickly spotted a whaling ship.

Again the same panting agitations, mad rage to be at her, at once possessed me; I flew to the indicator, turned the lever to full, then back to give the wheel a spin, then up the main-mast ratlins, waving a long foot-bandage of vadmel tweed picked up at random, and by the time I was within five hundred yards of her, had worked myself to such a pitch, that I was again shouting that futile madness: 'Hullo! Hi! Bravo! I have been to the Pole!'

Again, the same frantic feelings and crazy urge to reach her took over me; I rushed to the indicator, maxed out the lever, then pulled it back to give the wheel a spin, then climbed up the main-mast rigging, waving a long foot-bandage made of random vadmel tweed. By the time I was within five hundred yards of her, I was so worked up that I was shouting that pointless madness: 'Hey! Hi! Awesome! I have been to the Pole!'

And those twelve dead that I had in the chart-room there must have heard me, and the men on the whaler must have heard me, and smiled their smile.

And those twelve dead I had in the chart room must have heard me, and the guys on the whaler must have heard me, and smiled their smile.

For, as to that whaler, I should have known better at once, if I had not been crazy, since she looked like a ship of death, her boom slamming to port and starboard on the gentle heave of the sea, and her fore-sail reefed that serene morning. Only when I was quite near her, and hurrying down to stop the engines, did the real truth, with perfect suddenness, drench my heated brain; and I almost ran into her, I was so stunned.

For that whaler, I would have recognized it right away if I hadn't been out of my mind, since it looked like a ship of death, her boom swinging to the left and right on the gentle swell of the sea, and her fore-sail furled that calm morning. Only when I got really close and rushed down to stop the engines did the harsh reality suddenly hit me; I almost ran into her, I was so shocked.

However, I stopped the Boreal in time, and later on lowered the kayak, and boarded the other.

However, I stopped the Boreal just in time, and later lowered the kayak and got on the other one.

This ship had evidently been stricken silent in the midst of a perfect drama of activity, for I saw not one of her crew of sixty-two who was not busy, except one boy. I found her a good-sized thing of 500 odd tons, ship-rigged, with auxiliary engine of seventy horse-power, and pretty heavily armour-plated round the bows. There was no part of her which I did not over-haul, and I could see that they had had a great time with whales, for a mighty carcass, attached to the outside of the ship by the powerful cant-purchase tackle, had been in process of flensing and cutting-in, and on the deck two great blankets of blubber, looking each a ton-weight, surrounded by twenty-seven men in many attitudes, some terrifying to see, some disgusting, several grotesque, all so unhuman, the whale dead, and the men dead, too, and death was there, and the rank-flourishing germs of Inanity, and a mesmerism, and a silence, whose dominion was established, and its reign was growing old. Four of them, who had been removing the gums from a mass of stratified whalebone at the mizzen-mast foot, were quite imbedded in whale-flesh; also, in a barrel lashed to the top of the main top-gallant masthead was visible the head of a man with a long pointed beard, looking steadily out over the sea to the S.W., which made me notice that five only of the probable eight or nine boats were on board; and after visiting the 'tween-decks, where I saw considerable quantities of stowed whalebone plates, and about fifty or sixty iron oil-tanks, and cut-up blubber; and after visiting cabin, engine-room, fo'cas'le, where I saw a lonely boy of fourteen with his hand grasping a bottle of rum under all the turned-up clothes in a chest, he, at the moment of death, being evidently intent upon hiding it; and after two hours' search of the ship, I got back to my own, and half an hour later came upon all the three missing whale-boats about a mile apart, and steered zig-zag near to each. They contained five men each and a steerer, and one had the harpoon-gun fired, with the loose line coiled round and round the head and upper part of the stroke line-manager; and in the others hundreds of fathoms of coiled rope, with toggle-irons, whale-lances, hand-harpoons, and dropped heads, and grins, and lazy abandon, and eyes that stared, and eyes that dozed, and eyes that winked.

This ship had clearly been caught in the middle of intense activity, as I noticed every single one of her sixty-two crew members busy, except for one boy. She was a reasonably sized vessel of about 500 tons, ship-rigged, equipped with a 70-horsepower auxiliary engine, and was heavily armored around the bow. I inspected every part of her and could tell they had been busy with whales, as a massive carcass was attached to the ship’s side, being processed for blubber, with two enormous blankets of blubber on the deck, each weighing about a ton, surrounded by twenty-seven men in various poses—some frightening to see, some repulsive, several comical— all appearing less than human, the whale dead, and the men dead too, with death present everywhere, along with the unpleasant spread of emptiness, a sense of daze, and a heavy silence that had taken hold and was growing old. Four men, who had been removing the gums from a mass of layered whalebone at the base of the mizzen mast, were almost buried in whale flesh; also, in a barrel tied to the top of the main top-gallant mast, I noticed a man with a long pointed beard, gazing steadily out to the S.W. This made me realize that there were only five out of the expected eight or nine boats onboard. After checking the 'tween-decks, where I found significant quantities of packed whalebone plates, around fifty or sixty iron oil tanks, and cut-up blubber; and after visiting the cabin, engine room, and fo'c'sle, where I spotted a lonely fourteen-year-old boy clutching a bottle of rum beneath a pile of discarded clothes in a chest, clearly trying to hide it; and after searching the ship for two hours, I returned to my own vessel and half an hour later discovered all three missing whale boats about a mile apart, steering zig-zag toward each one. Each boat held five men and a steerer, and one had fired the harpoon gun, with the loose line coiled around the head and top part of the line manager; the others carried hundreds of fathoms of coiled rope, along with toggle-irons, whale lances, hand harpoons, dropped heads, grins, languid laziness, and eyes that stared, and eyes that dozed, and eyes that winked.

After this I began to sight ships not infrequently, and used regularly to have the three lights burning all night. On the 12th July I met one, on the 15th two, on the 16th one, on the 17th three, on the 18th two—all Greenlanders, I think: but, of the nine, I boarded only three, the glass quite clearly showing me, when yet far off, that on the others was no life; and on the three which I boarded were dead men; so that that suspicion which I had, and that fear, grew very heavy upon me.

After this, I started spotting ships quite often and usually kept the three lights burning all night. On July 12th, I saw one ship; on the 15th, two; on the 16th, one; on the 17th, three; and on the 18th, two—all of them Greenlanders, I think. However, out of the nine, I only boarded three. The glass clearly showed me, even from a distance, that there was no life on the others, and the three I boarded had dead men on them. So, that suspicion and fear I had became very heavy on me.

I went on southward, day after day southward, sentinel there at my wheel; clear sunshine by day, when the calm pale sea sometimes seemed mixed with regions of milk, and at night the immense desolation of a world lit by a sun that was long dead, and by a light that was gloom. It was like Night blanched in death then; and wan as the very kingdom of death and Hades I have seen it, most terrifying, that neuter state and limbo of nothingness, when unreal sea and spectral sky, all boundaries lost, mingled in a vast shadowy void of ghastly phantasmagoria, pale to utter huelessness, at whose centre I, as if annihilated, seemed to swoon in immensity of space. Into this disembodied world would come anon waftures of that peachy scent which I knew: and their frequency rapidly grew. But still the Boreal moved, traversing, as it were, bottomless Eternity: and I reached latitude 72°, not far now from Northern Europe.

I traveled southward, day after day, keeping watch at my wheel; bright sunshine during the day, when the calm, pale sea sometimes looked like it was mixed with regions of milk. At night, the vast emptiness of a world lit by a sun that was long gone, and by a light that felt gloomy. It felt like night drained of life; as pale as the very realm of death and Hades I’ve seen, incredibly frightening, this neutral state and limbo of nothingness, where the unreal sea and ghostly sky blended together in a huge shadowy void of horrifying illusions, pale to total colorlessness. At the center of it all, I felt as if I was annihilated, fainting in the vastness of space. In this disembodied world, the familiar scent of peaches would occasionally drift in, and I noticed it more frequently. But still, the Boreal kept moving, crossing what felt like endless time: and I reached latitude 72°, not far now from Northern Europe.

And now, as to that blossomy peach-scent—even while some floes were yet around me—I was just like some fantastic mariner, who, having set out to search for Eden and the Blessed Islands, finds them, and balmy gales from their gardens come out, while he is yet afar, to meet him with their perfumes of almond and champac, cornel and jasmin and lotus. For I had now reached a zone where the peach-aroma was constant; all the world seemed embalmed in its spicy fragrance; and I could easily imagine myself voyaging beyond the world toward some clime of perpetual and enchanting Spring.

And now, about that sweet peach scent—even while some ice floes were still around me—I felt like some amazing sailor on a quest for Paradise and the Blessed Islands. He finds them, and the gentle breezes from their gardens greet him with the fragrances of almond, champac, cornel, jasmine, and lotus, even though he's still far away. Because I had now entered a place where the peach smell was everywhere; the whole world felt wrapped in its spicy aroma, and I could easily picture myself traveling beyond the world to a land of eternal and enchanting Spring.


Well, I saw at last what whalers used to call 'the blink of the ice'; that is to say, its bright apparition or reflection in the sky when it is left behind, or not yet come-to. By this time I was in a region where a good many craft of various sorts were to be seen; I was continually meeting them; and not one did I omit to investigate, while many I boarded in the kayak or the larch-wood pram. Just below latitude 70° I came upon a good large fleet of what I supposed to be Lafoden cod and herring fishers, which must have drifted somewhat on a northward current. They had had a great season, for the boats were well laden with curing fish. I went from one to the other on a zig-zag course, they being widely scattered, some mere dots to the glass on the horizon. The evening was still and clear with that astral Arctic clearness, the sun just beginning his low-couched nightly drowse. These sturdy-looking brown boats stood rocking gently there with slow-creaking noises, as of things whining in slumber, without the least damage, awaiting the appalling storms of the winter months on that tenebrous sea, when a dark doom, and a deep grave, would not fail them. The fishers were braw carles, wearing, many of them, fringes of beard well back from the chin-point, with hanging woollen caps. In every case I found below-decks a number of cruses of corn-brandy, marked aquavit, two of which I took into the pram. In one of the smacks an elderly fisher was kneeling in a forward sprawling pose, clasping the lug-mast with his arms, the two knees wide apart, head thrown back, and the yellow eye-balls with their islands of grey iris staring straight up the mast-pole. At another of them, instead of boarding in the pram, I shut off the Boreal's liquid air at such a point that, by delicate steering, she slackened down to a stoppage just a-beam of the smack, upon whose deck I was thus able to jump down. After looking around I descended the three steps aft into the dark and garrety below-decks, and with stooping back went calling in an awful whisper: 'Anyone? Anyone?' Nothing answered me: and when I went up again, the Boreal had drifted three yards beyond my reach. There being a dead calm, I had to plunge into the water, and in that half-minute there a sudden cold throng of unaccountable terrors beset me, and I can feel again now that abysmal desolation of loneliness, and sense of a hostile and malign universe bent upon eating me up: for the ocean seemed to me nothing but a great ghost.

Well, I finally saw what whalers used to call 'the blink of the ice'; that is to say, its bright appearance or reflection in the sky when it's been left behind, or hasn’t arrived yet. By this time, I was in an area where a lot of different boats were visible; I kept running into them, and I made sure to check out each one, boarding many in the kayak or the larch-wood pram. Just below latitude 70°, I came across a sizable fleet of what I assumed were Lafoden cod and herring fishers, which must have drifted a bit with the northward current. They had a great season, as the boats were packed with curing fish. I moved from one to another in a zigzag pattern since they were scattered widely, with some just tiny dots on the horizon through the glass. The evening was still and clear with that bright Arctic clarity, the sun just starting its low evening rest. These sturdy-looking brown boats gently rocked, making slow creaking noises, like things sighing in sleep, completely undamaged, waiting for the terrifying storms of the winter months on that dark sea, when a dark fate, and a deep grave, awaited them. The fishers were tough-looking guys, many with beards well back from their chins, wearing hanging wool caps. In every case, I found a number of bottles of corn-brandy labeled aquavit below deck, and I took two of them into the pram. In one of the boats, an older fisher was kneeling in a forward position, hugging the mast with his arms, knees spread wide, head thrown back, and his yellow eyeballs, with islands of grey iris, staring straight up the mast. In another boat, instead of boarding in the pram, I cut off the Boreal's liquid air at such a spot that, by careful steering, I slowed down to a stop just beside the boat, allowing me to jump down onto its deck. After looking around, I went down the three steps in the back into the dark, cluttered space below deck, and, bending over, I called out in a hushed whisper: 'Anyone? Anyone?' Nothing replied: and when I climbed back up, the Boreal had drifted three yards beyond my reach. With no wind at all, I had to jump into the water, and in that half-minute, a sudden wave of unexplainable fears hit me, and I can still feel now that deep loneliness and the sense of a hostile and malevolent universe set on consuming me: because the ocean felt to me like just a huge ghost.

Two mornings later I came upon another school, rather larger boats these, which I found to be Brittany cod-fishers. Most of these, too, I boarded. In every below-decks was a wooden or earthenware image of the Virgin, painted in gaudy faded colours; and in one case I found a boy who had been kneeling before the statue, but was toppled sideways now, his knees still bent, and the cross of Christ in his hand. These stalwart blue woollen blouses and tarpaulin sou'-westers lay in every pose of death, every detail of feature and expression still perfectly preserved. The sloops were all the same, all, all: with sing-song creaks they rocked a little, nonchalantly: each, as it were, with a certain sub-consciousness of its own personality, and callous unconsciousness of all the others round it: yet each a copy of the others: the same hooks and lines, disembowelling-knives, barrels of salt and pickle, piles and casks of opened cod, kegs of biscuit, and low-creaking rockings, and a bilgy smell, and dead men. The next day, about eighty miles south of the latitude of Mount Hekla, I sighted a big ship, which turned out to be the French cruiser Lazare Tréport. I boarded and overhauled her during three hours, her upper, main, and armoured deck, deck by deck, to her lowest black depths, even childishly spying up the tubes of her two big, rusted turret-guns. Three men in the engine-room had been much mangled, after death, I presume, by a burst boiler; floating about 800 yards to the north-east lay a long-boat of hers, low in the water, crammed with marines, one oar still there, jammed between the row-lock and the rower's forced-back chin; on the ship's starboard deck, in the long stretch of space between the two masts, the blue-jackets had evidently been piped up, for they lay there in a sort of serried disorder, to the number of two hundred and seventy-five. Nothing could be of suggestion more tragic than the wasted and helpless power of this poor wandering vessel, around whose stolid mass myriads of wavelets, busy as aspen-leaves, bickered with a continual weltering splash that was quite loud to hear. I sat a good time that afternoon in one of her steely port main-deck casemates on a gun-carriage, my head sunken on my breast, furtively eyeing the bluish turned-up feet, all shrunk, exsanguined, of a sailor who lay on his back before me; his soles were all that I could see, the rest of him lying head-downwards beyond the steel door-sill.

Two mornings later, I came across another group of boats, these ones a bit larger, and I found out they belonged to Brittany cod fishermen. I boarded most of them. Below deck in each boat was a wooden or clay statue of the Virgin, painted in bright but faded colors; in one case, I found a boy who had been kneeling in front of the statue, but was now leaning sideways, his knees still bent, holding the cross of Christ in his hand. The sturdy blue woolen shirts and tarpaulin sou'-westers were arranged in various positions of death, every detail of their features and expressions still perfectly preserved. The sloops were all identical, rocking slightly with a singsong creak, each seeming to have its own subconscious personality, completely unaware of the others around it: yet each was a copy of the others, all equipped with the same hooks and lines, disemboweling knives, barrels of salt and pickle, piles and casks of opened cod, kegs of biscuits, and the low, creaking rock of the boats, along with a bilge smell and dead men. The next day, about eighty miles south of the latitude of Mount Hekla, I spotted a large ship, which turned out to be the French cruiser Lazare Tréport. I boarded her and explored for three hours, from her upper, main, and armored deck down to her lowest dark depths, even childishly peeking into the tubes of her two big, rusty turrets. Three men in the engine room had been badly mangled, probably post-mortem, by a burst boiler; about 800 yards northeast, I saw one of her lifeboats, low in the water, crammed with marines, one oar still stuck between the row-lock and the rower's forced-back chin; on the ship's starboard deck, in the long space between the two masts, the sailors had clearly been called up, as they lay there in a sort of disordered formation, numbering two hundred and seventy-five. Nothing could be more tragically suggestive than the wasted and helpless power of this poor wandering vessel, around whose solid mass countless wavelets, busy as aspen leaves, danced with a constant splashing sound that was quite loud. I sat for a long time that afternoon in one of her steel port main-deck casemates on a gun carriage, my head bowed on my chest, covertly watching the bluish, turned-up feet, all shriveled and bloodless, of a sailor lying on his back in front of me; all I could see were his soles, the rest of him laying head-down beyond the steel door sill.

Drenched in seas of lugubrious reverie I sat, till, with a shuddering start, I awoke, paddled back to the Boreal, and, till sleep conquered me, went on my way. At ten the next morning, coming on deck, I spied to the west a group of craft, and turned my course upon them. They turned out to be eight Shetland sixerns, which must have drifted north-eastward hither. I examined them well, but they were as the long list of the others: for all the men, and all the boys, and all the dogs on them were dead.

Drenched in waves of heavy thoughts, I sat until I suddenly awoke with a start, paddled back to the Boreal, and continued on my way until sleep took over again. The next morning at ten, as I came on deck, I spotted a group of boats to the west and changed my course to head toward them. It turned out to be eight Shetland sixerns that must have drifted northeast here. I looked them over closely, but they were just like the long list of others: all the men, all the boys, and all the dogs on them were dead.


I could have come to land a long time before I did: but I would not: I was so afraid. For I was used to the silence of the ice: and I was used to the silence of the sea: but, God knows it, I was afraid of the silence of the land.

I could have reached land a long time ago, but I didn’t want to. I was so scared. I was used to the quiet of the ice and the quiet of the sea, but, God knows, I was terrified of the quiet of the land.


Once, on the 15th July, I had seen a whale, or thought I did, spouting very remotely afar on the S.E. horizon; and on the 19th I distinctly saw a shoal of porpoises vaulting the sea-surface, in their swift-successive manner, northward: and seeing them, I had said pitifully to myself: 'Well, I am not quite alone in the world, then, my good God—not quite alone.'

Once, on July 15th, I thought I saw a whale spouting far off on the southeastern horizon; and on the 19th, I clearly saw a group of porpoises leaping out of the water in their quick succession, heading north. Seeing them, I said to myself, feeling a bit sad, "Well, I'm not completely alone in the world, my good God—not completely alone."

Moreover, some days later, the Boreal had found herself in a bank of cod making away northward, millions of fish, for I saw them, and one afternoon caught three, hand-running, with the hook.

Moreover, a few days later, the Boreal had come across a school of cod heading north, millions of fish, because I saw them, and one afternoon I caught three using a hand line and a hook.

So the sea, at least, had its tribes to be my mates.

So the sea, at least, had its groups to keep me company.

But if I should find the land as still as the sea, without even the spouting whale, or school of tumbling sea-hogs—if Paris were dumber than the eternal ice—what then, I asked myself, should I do?

But if I find the land as calm as the sea, without even the spouting whale or a group of playful dolphins—if Paris were quieter than the eternal ice—what then, I wondered, should I do?


I could have made short work, and landed at Shetland, for I found myself as far westward as longitude 11° 23' W.: but I would not: I was so afraid. The shrinking within me to face that vague suspicion which I had, turned me first to a foreign land.

I could have quickly reached Shetland, as I was already as far west as the longitude of 11° 23' W.: but I didn't want to. I was really scared. The fear I felt about facing that unclear suspicion I had made me turn first to another country.

I made for Norway, and on the first night of this definite intention, at about nine o'clock, the weather being gusty, the sky lowering, the air sombrous, and the sea hard-looking, dark, and ridged, I was steaming along at a good rate, holding the wheel, my poor port and starboard lights still burning there, when, without the least notice, I received the roughest physical shock of my life, being shot bodily right over the wheel, thence, as from a cannon, twenty feet to the cabin-door, through it head-foremost down the companion-way, and still beyond some six yards along the passage. I had crashed into some dark and dead ship, probably of large size, though I never saw her, nor any sign of her; and all that night, and the next day till four in the afternoon, the Boreal went driving alone over the sea, whither she would: for I lay unconscious. When I woke, I found that I had received really very small injuries, considering: but I sat there on the floor a long time in a sulky, morose, disgusted, and bitter mood; and when I rose, pettishly stopped the ship's engines, seeing my twelve dead all huddled and disfigured. Now I was afraid to steam by night, and even in the daytime I would not go on for three days: for I was childishly angry with I know not what, and inclined to quarrel with Those whom I could not see.

I made my way to Norway, and on the first night of this clear intention, around nine o'clock, the weather was gusty, the sky looked dark, the air felt gloomy, and the sea appeared rough, dark, and choppy. I was cruising along at a good speed, holding the wheel, with my poor port and starboard lights still glowing, when, without any warning, I experienced the biggest shock of my life, as I was thrown bodily right over the wheel, and shot, as if from a cannon, twenty feet to the cabin door, crashing headfirst down the companionway, and continuing about six more yards down the hallway. I had slammed into some dark and abandoned ship, likely a large one, although I never saw her or any sign of her; and all that night, and the next day until four in the afternoon, the Boreal sailed alone across the sea, wherever it wanted: because I lay unconscious. When I finally came to, I realized that my injuries were surprisingly minor, considering everything; but I sat on the floor for a long time feeling sullen, morose, disgusted, and bitter. When I finally got up, I irritably stopped the ship's engines, seeing my twelve dead all piled up and disfigured. Now I was scared to sail at night, and I wouldn’t continue during the day for three days: because I was childishly angry for reasons I couldn’t understand, and I felt like picking fights with those I couldn't see.

However, on the fourth day, a rough swell which knocked the ship about, and made me very uncomfortable, coaxed me into moving; and I did so with bows turned eastward and southward.

However, on the fourth day, a rough swell that tossed the ship around and made me very uncomfortable encouraged me to take action; so I did, with the bow pointed east and south.

I sighted the Norway coast four days later, in latitude 63° 19', at noon of the 11th August, and pricked off my course to follow it; but it was with a slow and dawdling reluctance that I went, at much less than half-speed. In some eight hours, as I knew from the chart, I ought to sight the lighthouse light on Smoelen Island; and when quiet night came, the black water being branded with trails of still moonlight, I passed quite close to it, between ten and twelve, almost under the shadow of the mighty hills: but, oh my God, no light was there. And all the way down I marked the rugged sea-board slumber darkling, afar or near, with never, alas! one friendly light.

I spotted the Norway coast four days later, at latitude 63° 19', around noon on August 11th, and plotted my course to follow it; but I moved with a slow and reluctant pace, going at less than half-speed. According to the chart, I should have seen the lighthouse light on Smoelen Island in about eight hours; and when night fell, the dark water shimmering with patches of still moonlight, I passed quite close to it, between ten and twelve, almost under the shadow of the towering hills: but, oh my God, there was no light. And all the way down, I noted the rugged coastline resting in darkness, near and far, with never, alas! a single friendly light.


Well, on the 15th August I had another of those maniac raptures, whose passing away would have left an elephant racked and prostrate. During four days I had seen not one sign of present life on the Norway coast, only hills, hills, dead and dark, and floating craft, all dead and dark; and my eyes now, I found, had acquired a crazy fixity of stare into the very bottom of the vacant abyss of nothingness, while I remained unconscious of being, save of one point, rainbow-blue, far down in the infinite, which passed slowly from left to right before my consciousness a little way, then vanished, came back, and passed slowly again, from left to right continually; till some prick, or voice, in my brain would startle me into the consciousness that I was staring, whispering the profound confidential warning: You must not stare so, or it is over with you!' Well, lost in a blank trance of this sort, I was leaning over the wheel during the afternoon of the 15th, when it was as if some instinct or premonition in my soul leapt up, and said aloud: 'If you look just yonder, you will see...!' I started, and in one instant had surged up from all that depth of reverie to reality: I glanced to the right: and there, at last, my God, I saw something human which moved, rapidly moved: at last!—and it came to me.

Well, on August 15th, I had another one of those intense episodes that would have left an elephant exhausted and laid low. For four days, I hadn’t seen a single sign of life along the Norway coast—just hills, barren and dark, and lifeless boats, all dreary and still. I realized that my eyes had taken on a wild fixity, staring into the endless void of nothingness, while I was only aware of one thing—a rainbow-blue point far down in the infinity that slowly moved from left to right in my awareness, then disappeared, came back, and moved slowly again from left to right continuously. Until some jolt or voice in my mind would snap me back to the reality that I was staring, whispering a deep, intimate warning: You must not stare like this, or it’ll be the end for you! Well, lost in this empty trance, I was leaning over the wheel on the afternoon of the 15th when it was as if some instinct or premonition deep within me suddenly screamed: ‘If you look right there, you will see...!’ I jolted, and in an instant, I shot up from that depth of daydream to reality: I glanced to the right and there, finally, my God, I saw something human moving, moving quickly: finally!—and it was coming towards me.

That sense of recovery, of waking, of new solidity, of the comfortable usual, a million-fold too intense for words—how sweetly consoling it was! Again now, as I write, I can fancy and feel it—the rocky solidity, the adamant ordinary, on which to base the feet, and live. From the day when I stood at the Pole, and saw there the dizzy thing that made me swoon, there had come into my way not one sign or trace that other beings like myself were alive on the earth with me: till now, suddenly, I had the sweet indubitable proof: for on the south-western sea, not four knots away, I saw a large, swift ship: and her bows, which were sharp as a hatchet, were steadily chipping through the smooth sea at a pretty high pace, throwing out profuse ribbony foams that went wide-vawering, with outward undulations, far behind her length, as she ran the sea in haste, straight northward.

That feeling of recovery, of waking up, of new stability, of the comforting usual—so intense it’s hard to put into words—was incredibly sweet! Even now, as I write this, I can imagine and feel it—the rocky stability, the solid ordinary, on which to stand and live. From the day I stood at the Pole and saw the dizzying sight that made me faint, I hadn't seen a single sign or trace that other people like me were alive on the earth with me: until now, suddenly, I had the sweet, undeniable proof; for on the southwestern sea, not four knots away, I saw a large, fast ship: her sharp, hatchet-like bow was cutting steadily through the smooth sea at a good pace, throwing out foamy ribbons that spread wide behind her as she raced straight northward.

At the moment, I was steering about S.E. by S., fifteen miles out from a shadowy-blue series of Norway mountains; and just giving the wheel one frantic spin to starboard to bring me down upon her, I flew to the bridge, leant my back on the main-mast, which passed through it, put a foot on the white iron rail before me, and there at once felt all the mocking devils of distracted revelry possess me, as I caught the cap from my long hairs, and commenced to wave and wave and wave, red-faced maniac that I was: for at the second nearer glance, I saw that she was flying an ensign at the main, and a long pennant at the main-top, and I did not know what she was flying those flags there for: and I was embittered and driven mad.

At that moment, I was steering southeast by south, fifteen miles out from a dark blue range of Norwegian mountains; and just as I gave the wheel a frantic turn to the right to bring me down to her, I rushed to the bridge, leaned my back against the main mast that went through it, put a foot on the white iron railing in front of me, and instantly felt all the mocking spirits of chaotic celebration take hold of me as I took off my cap and started to wave it like a crazed red-faced person: for upon a closer look, I noticed she was flying a flag at the main mast and a long pennant at the top of the main mast, and I had no idea why she was displaying those flags: and I was filled with frustration and madness.

With distinct minuteness did she print herself upon my consciousness in that five minutes' interval: she was painted a dull and cholera yellow, like many Russian ships, and there was a faded pink space at her bows under the line where the yellow ceased: the ensign at her main I made out to be the blue-and-white saltire, and she was clearly a Russian passenger-liner, two-masted, two-funnelled, though from her funnels came no trace of smoke, and the position of her steam-cones was anywhere. All about her course the sea was spotted with wobbling splendours of the low sun, large coarse blots of glory near the eye, but lessening to a smaller pattern in the distance, and at the horizon refined to a homogeneous band of livid silver.

In just five minutes, she made a vivid impression on my mind: she was a dull, cholera yellow, much like many Russian ships, and there was a faded pink area at her bow where the yellow ended. I could see that the flag at her mainmast was a blue-and-white saltire, clearly identifying her as a Russian passenger liner, with two masts and two smokestacks, though there was no smoke coming from them, and the position of her steam cones was unclear. Around her, the sea sparkled with the shimmering light of the low sun, large, rough spots of brilliance close by but fading into smaller patterns in the distance, and at the horizon, blending into a smooth band of ashen silver.

The double speed of the Boreal and the other, hastening opposite ways, must have been thirty-eight or forty knots, and the meeting was accomplished in certainly less than five minutes: yet into that time I crowded years of life. I was shouting passionately at her, my eyes starting from my head, my face all inflamed with rage the most prone, loud and urgent. For she did not stop, nor signal, nor make sign of seeing me, but came furrowing down upon me like Juggernaut, with steadfast run. I lost reason, thought, memory, purpose, sense of relation, in that access of delirium which transported me, and can only remember now that in the midst of my shouting, a word, uttered by the fiends who used my throat to express their frenzy, set me laughing high and madly: for I was crying: 'Hi! Bravo! Why don't you stop? Madmen! I have been to the Pole!'

The double speed of the Boreal and the other ship, rushing in opposite directions, must have been around thirty-eight or forty knots, and the meeting happened in definitely less than five minutes: yet in that time, I packed years of life. I was shouting at her passionately, my eyes bulging, my face flushed with the most extreme rage, loud and urgent. But she didn’t stop, nor did she signal, or show any sign of seeing me; she came charging at me like Juggernaut, with a determined speed. I lost my reason, thought, memory, purpose, and sense of connection in that wave of delirium that took over me, and all I can remember now is that in the midst of my yelling, a word, spoken by the demons who used my voice to express their frenzy, made me laugh wildly: for I was shouting: 'Hi! Bravo! Why don't you stop? Madmen! I have been to the Pole!'

That instant an odour arose, and came, and struck upon my brain, most detestable, most execrable; and while one might count ten, I was aware of her near-sounding engines, and that cursed charnel went tearing past me on her maenad way, not fifteen yards from my eyes and nostrils. She was a thing, my God, from which the vulture and the jackal, prowling for offal, would fly with shrieks of loathing. I had a glimpse of decks piled thick with her festered dead.

That moment, a smell came up that hit me hard, extremely unpleasant; and in the span of ten seconds, I noticed her nearby engines, and that dreadful ship rushed past me, not more than fifteen yards away from my eyes and nose. She was something that even vultures and jackals, searching for scraps, would flee from in horror. I caught a glimpse of decks stacked high with her decaying dead.

In big black letters on the round retreating yellow stern my eye-corner caught the word Yaroslav, as I bent over the rail to retch and cough and vomit at her. She was a horrid thing.

In big black letters on the round retreating yellow back, I noticed the word Yaroslav as I leaned over the railing to gag and cough and throw up at her. She was awful.

This ship had certainly been pretty far south in tropical or sub-tropical latitudes with her great crowd of dead: for all the bodies which I had seen till then, so far from smelling ill, seemed to give out a certain perfume of the peach. She was evidently one of those many ships of late years which have substituted liquid air for steam, yet retained their old steam-funnels, &c., in case of emergency: for air, I believe, was still looked at askance by several builders, on account of the terrible accidents which it sometimes caused. The Boreal herself is a similar instance of both motors. This vessel, the Yaroslav, must have been left with working engines when her crew were overtaken by death, and, her air-tanks being still unexhausted, must have been ranging the ocean with impunity ever since, during I knew not how many months, or, it might be, years.

This ship had definitely traveled quite far south into tropical or subtropical regions with her large number of dead: for all the bodies I had seen up to that point, instead of smelling bad, seemed to emit a certain scent reminiscent of peaches. She was clearly one of those many ships in recent years that have replaced steam with liquid air, yet kept their old steam funnels, etc., for emergencies: because, I believe, many builders still viewed air with suspicion due to the terrible accidents it sometimes caused. The Boreal itself is a similar example of both types of engines. This vessel, the Yaroslav, must have been left with operational engines when her crew fell victim to death, and with her air tanks still full, she must have been roaming the ocean safely ever since, for I didn’t know how many months, or perhaps even years.

Well, I coasted Norway for nearly a hundred and sixty miles without once going nearer land than two or three miles: for something held me back. But passing the fjord-mouth where I knew that Aadheim was, I suddenly turned the helm to port, almost before I knew that I was doing it, and made for land.

Well, I sailed along the coast of Norway for almost a hundred and sixty miles without ever getting closer to land than two or three miles: something was holding me back. But as I passed the mouth of the fjord where I knew Aadheim was, I suddenly turned the wheel to the left, almost without realizing it, and headed for the shore.

In half an hour I was moving up an opening in the land with mountains on either hand, streaky crags at their summit, umbrageous boscage below; and the whole softened, as it were, by veils woven of the rainbow.

In thirty minutes, I was walking up a gap in the land with mountains on either side, jagged peaks at the top, shaded trees below; and everything was softened, almost like it was draped in veils made of rainbows.

This arm of water lies curved about like a thread which one drops, only the curves are much more pointed, so that every few minutes the scene was changed, though the vessel just crawled her way up, and I could see behind me nothing of what was passed, or only a land-locked gleam like a lake.

This arm of water curves around like a dropped thread, but the curves are much sharper, changing the scene every few minutes, even though the boat was moving slowly. I could only see behind me a glimmer of land, like a lake.

I never saw water so polished and glassy, like clarid polished marble, reflecting everything quite clean-cut in its lucid abysm, over which hardly the faintest zephyr breathed that still sun-down; it wimpled about the bluff Boreal, which seemed to move as if careful not to bruise it, in rich wrinkles and creases, like glycerine, or dewy-trickling lotus-oil; yet it was only the sea: and the spectacle yonder was only crags, and autumn-foliage and mountain-slope: yet all seemed caught-up and chaste, rapt in a trance of rose and purple, and made of the stuff of dreams and bubbles, of pollen-of-flowers, and rinds of the peach.

I had never seen water so smooth and shiny, like polished glass, reflecting everything clearly in its bright depths, barely disturbed by the slightest breeze at sunset; it rippled around the bluff Boreal, which seemed to move as if it were careful not to disturb it, in rich folds and grooves, like glycerin or dew dripping from lotus oil; yet it was just the sea: and the view over there was just cliffs, autumn leaves, and mountain slopes: yet everything seemed elevated and pure, caught in a trance of pink and purple, made of dreams and bubbles, flower pollen, and peach skin.

I saw it not only with delight, but with complete astonishment: having forgotten, as was too natural in all that long barrenness of ice and sea, that anything could be so ethereally fair: yet homely, too, human, familiar, and consoling. The air here was richly spiced with that peachy scent, and there was a Sabbath and a nepenthe and a charm in that place at that hour, as it were of those gardens of Hesperus, and fields of asphodel, reserved for the spirits of the just.

I saw it not only with joy, but with total amazement: having forgotten, as was natural after all that endless freezing ice and sea, that anything could be so beautifully delicate: yet comfortable, too, human, familiar, and soothing. The air here was filled with a rich, peachy scent, and there was a sense of peace and a comforting magic in that place at that moment, like those gardens of Hesperus, and fields of asphodel, set aside for the souls of the righteous.

Alas! but I had the glass at my side, and for me nepenthe was mixed with a despair immense as the vault of heaven, my good God: for anon I would take it up to spy some perched hut of the peasant, or burg of the 'bonder,' on the peaks: and I saw no one there; and to the left, at the third marked bend of the fjord, where there is one of those watch-towers that these people used for watching in-coming fish, I spied, lying on a craggy slope just before the tower, a body which looked as if it must surely tumble head-long, but did not. And when I saw that, I felt definitely, for the first time, that shoreless despair which I alone of men have felt, high beyond the stars, and deep as hell; and I fell to staring again that blank stare of Nirvana and the lunacy of Nothingness, wherein Time merges in Eternity, and all being, like one drop of water, flies scattered to fill the bottomless void of space, and is lost.

Alas! I had the glass beside me, and for me, the forgetfulness was mixed with a despair as vast as the sky, my good God: soon I would lift it to look for some hut of a peasant or a village of the 'bonder' on the peaks: but I saw no one there; and to the left, at the third marked turn of the fjord, where there was one of those watchtowers used by these people to spot incoming fish, I noticed, lying on a rocky slope just before the tower, a body that seemed like it would surely fall head-first but did not. And when I saw that, I felt distinctly, for the first time, that endless despair which I alone among men have experienced, high beyond the stars and deep as hell; and I fell to staring again that empty stare of Nirvana and the madness of Nothingness, where Time merges into Eternity, and all existence, like a single drop of water, scatters to fill the endless void of space and is lost.

The Boreal's bow walking over a little empty fishing-boat roused me, and a minute later, just before I came to a new promontory and bend, I saw two people. The shore there is some three feet above the water, and edged with boulders of rock, about which grows a fringe of shrubs and small trees: behind this fringe is a path, curving upward through a sombre wooded little gorge; and on the path, near the water, I saw a driver of one of those Norwegian sulkies that were called karjolers: he, on the high front seat, was dead, lying sideways and backwards, with low head resting on the wheel; and on a trunk strapped to a frame on the axle behind was a boy, his head, too, resting sideways on the wheel, near the other's; and the little pony was dead, pitched forward on its head and fore-knees, tilting the shafts downward; and some distance from them on the water floated an empty skiff.

The Boreal's bow bumping over a small, empty fishing boat woke me up, and a minute later, just before I reached a new point and bend, I spotted two people. The shore there is about three feet above the water and lined with boulders, surrounded by a line of shrubs and small trees. Behind this line is a path that curves up through a dark, wooded gorge; and on the path, close to the water, I saw a driver of one of those Norwegian sulkies known as karjolers: he was slumped sideways and backwards on the high front seat, with his head resting low on the wheel; and on a trunk strapped to a frame on the axle behind him was a boy, his head also resting sideways on the wheel, next to the driver’s; and the little pony was dead, collapsed forward on its head and foreknees, tilting the shafts downwards; and some distance from them, an empty skiff floated on the water.


When I turned the next fore-land, I all at once began to see a number of craft, which increased as I advanced, most of them small boats, with some schooners, sloops, and larger craft, the majority a-ground: and suddenly now I was conscious that, mingling with that delicious odour of spring-blossoms—profoundly modifying, yet not destroying it—was another odour, wafted to me on the wings of the very faint land-breeze: and 'Man,' I said, 'is decomposing': for I knew it well: it was the odour of human corruption.

When I rounded the next headland, I suddenly started to see a bunch of boats, which multiplied as I got closer. Most were small boats, along with some schooners, sloops, and larger vessels, most of them stuck on the shore. At that moment, I became aware that, blending with that wonderful scent of spring blossoms—changing it significantly but not overpowering it—was another smell, carried to me by a slight land breeze: and I thought, 'Man is decomposing.' I recognized it immediately: it was the smell of human decay.


The fjord opened finally in a somewhat wider basin, shut-in by quite steep, high-towering mountains, which reflected themselves in the water to their last cloudy crag: and, at the end of this I saw ships, a quay, and a modest, homely old town.

The fjord finally opened up into a wider basin, surrounded by steep, towering mountains, which reflected in the water up to their highest, cloudy peaks. At the end of this, I saw ships, a dock, and a quaint, cozy old town.

Not a sound, not one: only the languidly-working engines of the Boreal. Here, it was clear, the Angel of Silence had passed, and his scythe mown.

Not a sound, not one: only the slow-working engines of the Boreal. Here, it was obvious, the Angel of Silence had come and taken his toll.

I ran and stopped the engines, and, without anchoring, got down into an empty boat that lay at the ship's side when she stopped; and I paddled twenty yards toward the little quay. There was a brigantine with all her courses set, three jibs, stay-sails, square-sails, main and fore-sails, and gaff-top-sail, looking hanging and listless in that calm place, and wedded to a still copy of herself, mast-downward, in the water; there were three lumber-schooners, a forty-ton steam-boat, a tiny barque, five Norway herring-fishers, and ten or twelve shallops: and the sailing-craft had all fore-and-aft sails set, and about each, as I passed among them, brooded an odour that was both sweet and abhorrent, an odour more suggestive of the very genius of mortality—the inner mind and meaning of Azrael—than aught that I could have conceived: for all, as I soon saw, were crowded with dead.

I ran and stopped the engines, and, without anchoring, climbed into an empty boat that was next to the ship when it stopped; then I paddled twenty yards toward the small dock. There was a brigantine with all her sails set—three jibs, stay-sails, square-sails, main and fore-sails, and gaff-top-sail—looking droopy and lifeless in that calm spot, mirrored in the still water below her, mast down. There were three lumber schooners, a forty-ton steamboat, a tiny barque, five Norwegian herring-fishers, and ten or twelve shallops: all the sailing vessels had their fore-and-aft sails set, and around each, as I moved among them, lingered a scent that was both sweet and repulsive, a smell more evocative of mortality—the essence and meaning of Azrael—than anything I could have imagined: for, as I soon realized, they were all filled with the dead.

Well, I went up the old mossed steps, in that strange dazed state in which one notices frivolous things: I remember, for instance, feeling the lightness of my new clothes: for the weather was quite mild, and the day before I had changed to Summer things, having on now only a common undyed woollen shirt, the sleeves rolled up, and cord trousers, with a belt, and a cloth cap over my long hair, and an old pair of yellow shoes, without laces, and without socks. And I stood on the unhewn stones of the edge of the quay, and looked abroad over a largish piece of unpaved ground, which lay between the first house-row and the quay.

Well, I walked up the old moss-covered steps, in that weird dazed state where you notice trivial things: I remember feeling how light my new clothes were; the weather was pretty mild, and the day before I had switched to summer clothes. I was just wearing a plain undyed wool shirt with the sleeves rolled up, corduroy pants held up by a belt, a cloth cap over my long hair, and an old pair of yellow shoes without laces, and no socks. I stood on the rough stones at the edge of the quay and looked out over a sizable patch of unpaved ground that lay between the first row of houses and the quay.

What I saw was not only most woeful, but wildly startling: woeful, because a great crowd of people had assembled, and lay dead, there; and wildly startling, because something in their tout ensemble told me in one minute why they were there in such number.

What I saw was not only incredibly sad but also shockingly unexpected: sad because a large crowd of people had gathered and lay dead there; and shockingly unexpected because something about their whole presence made it clear to me in an instant why so many of them were there.

They were there in the hope, and with the thought, to fly westward by boat.

They were there hoping to sail westward by boat.

And the something which told me this was a certain foreign air about that field of the dead as the eye rested on it, something un-northern, southern, and Oriental.

And what made me feel this was a certain foreign vibe about that field of the dead when I looked at it, something un-northern, more southern, and Oriental.

Two yards from my feet, as I stepped to the top, lay a group of three: one a Norway peasant-girl in skirt of olive-green, scarlet stomacher, embroidered bodice, Scotch bonnet trimmed with silver lace, and big silver shoe-buckles; the second was an old Norway man in knee-breeches, and eighteenth-century small-clothes, and red worsted cap; and the third was, I decided, an old Jew of the Polish Pale, in gaberdine and skull-cap, with ear-locks.

Two yards from my feet, as I stepped up to the top, there was a group of three people: one was a Norwegian peasant girl in an olive-green skirt, a scarlet bodice, an embroidered bodice, a Scotch bonnet trimmed with silver lace, and large silver shoe buckles; the second was an older Norwegian man in knee-breeches, traditional 18th-century clothing, and a red wool cap; and the third, I figured, was an old Jewish man from the Polish Pale, wearing a long coat and a skullcap, with side curls.

I went nearer to where they lay thick as reaped stubble between the quay and a little stone fountain in the middle of the space, and I saw among those northern dead two dark-skinned women in costly dress, either Spanish or Italian, and the yellower mortality of a Mongolian, probably a Magyar, and a big negro in zouave dress, and some twenty-five obvious French, and two Morocco fezes, and the green turban of a shereef, and the white of an Ulema.

I went closer to where they lay thick like cut wheat between the dock and a small stone fountain in the middle of the area, and I saw among those northern dead two dark-skinned women in expensive clothes, either Spanish or Italian, and a lighter-skinned Mongolian, probably a Magyar, and a large Black man in zouave uniform, and about twenty-five obvious French people, and two Moroccan fezes, and the green turban of a shereef, and the white of an Ulema.

And I asked myself this question: 'How came these foreign stragglers here in this obscure northern town?'

And I asked myself this question: 'How did these foreign stragglers end up in this little northern town?'

And my wild heart answered: 'There has been an impassioned stampede, northward and westward, of all the tribes of Man. And this that I, Adam Jeffson, here see is but the far-tossed spray of that monstrous, infuriate flood.'

And my wild heart responded: 'There’s been a passionate rush, heading north and west, of all of humanity. And what I, Adam Jeffson, see here is just the distant splashes of that enormous, raging flood.'


Well, I passed up a street before me, careful, careful where I trod. It was not utterly silent, nor was the quay-square, but haunted by a pretty dense cloud of mosquitoes, and dreamy twinges of music, like the drawing of the violin-bow in elf-land. The street was narrow, pavered, steep, and dark; and the sensations with which I, poor bent man, passed through that dead town, only Atlas, fabled to bear the burden of this Earth, could divine.

Well, I walked down a street in front of me, careful about where I stepped. It wasn't completely silent, nor was the quay-square, but filled with a thick cloud of mosquitoes and distant hints of music, like the sound of a violin bow being drawn in a fairytale land. The street was narrow, paved, steep, and dark; and the feelings I experienced, as a weary old man moving through that empty town, could only be understood by someone like Atlas, who was said to carry the weight of the Earth.


I thought to myself: If now a wave from the Deep has washed over this planetary ship of earth, and I, who alone happened to be in the extreme bows, am the sole survivor of that crew?... What then, my God, shall I do?

I thought to myself: If a wave from the deep has now washed over this ship of earth, and I, who just happened to be at the front, am the only survivor of the crew?... What then, my God, should I do?


I felt, I felt, that in this townlet, save the water-gnats of Norway, was no living thing; that the hum and the savour of Eternity filled, and wrapped, and embalmed it.

I sensed that in this small town, aside from the water-gnats of Norway, there was no living thing; that the buzz and essence of Eternity surrounded, enveloped, and preserved it.

The houses are mostly of wood, some of them fairly large, with a porte-cochère leading into a semi-circular yard, around which the building stands, very steep-roofed, and shingled, in view of the heavy snow-masses of winter. Glancing into one open casement near the ground, I saw an aged woman, stout and capped, lie on her face before a very large porcelain stove; but I paced on without stoppage, traversed several streets, and came out, as it became dark, upon a piece of grass-land leading downward to a mountain-gorge. It was some distance along this gorge that I found myself sitting the next morning: and how, and in what trance, I passed that whole blank night is obliterated from my consciousness. When I looked about with the return of light I saw majestic fir-grown mountains on either hand, almost meeting overhead at some points, deeply shading the mossy gorge. I rose, and careless of direction, went still onward, and walked and walked for hours, unconscious of hunger; there was a profusion of wild mountain-strawberries, very tiny, which must grow almost into winter, a few of which I ate; there were blue gentianellas, and lilies-of-the-valley, and luxuriance of verdure, and a noise of waters. Occasionally, I saw little cataracts on high, fluttering like white wild rags, for they broke in the mid-fall, and were caught away, and scattered; patches also of reaped hay and barley, hung up, in a singular way, on stakes six feet high, I suppose to dry; there were perched huts, and a seemingly inaccessible small castle or burg, but none of these did I enter: and five bodies only I saw in the gorge, a woman with a babe, and a man with two small oxen.

The houses are mostly made of wood, with some quite large, featuring a porte-cochère that leads into a semi-circular yard, around which the building stands, with very steep roofs and shingles, designed to handle the heavy snow in winter. I glanced into an open window near the ground and saw an elderly woman, plump and wearing a cap, lying face down in front of a large porcelain stove; but I continued walking without stopping, crossed several streets, and as it got dark, came to a grassy area that sloped down to a mountain gorge. The next morning, I found myself sitting some distance along this gorge, and I don’t remember how I spent the entire blank night. When daylight returned, I saw majestic mountains covered in fir trees on either side, almost touching overhead at some points, casting deep shadows over the mossy gorge. I stood up and wandered aimlessly, walking for hours without noticing my hunger; there were plenty of tiny wild mountain strawberries, which likely grow almost until winter, a few of which I picked and ate; there were blue gentianellas, lilies of the valley, lush greenery, and the sound of flowing water. Occasionally, I spotted little waterfalls above, fluttering like white scraps, as they splashed down and got caught up and scattered; there were also patches of harvested hay and barley hung up in a unique way on stakes about six feet high, probably to dry; I saw perched huts and what seemed to be an inaccessible small castle, but I didn’t enter any of these places: I only encountered five people in the gorge—a woman with a baby and a man with two small oxen.

About three in the afternoon I was startled to find myself there, and turned back. It was dark when I again passed through those gloomy streets of Aadheim, making for the quay, and now I felt both my hunger and a dropping weariness. I had no thought of entering any house, but as I passed by one open porte-cochère, something, I know not what, made me turn sharply in, for my mind had become as fluff on the winds, not working of its own action, but the sport of impulses that seemed external. I went across the yard, and ascended a wooden spiral stair by a twilight which just enabled me to pick my way among five or six vague forms fallen there. In that confined place fantastic qualms beset me; I mounted to the first landing, and tried the door, but it was locked; I mounted to the second: the door was open, and with a chill reluctance I took a step inward where all was pitch darkness, the window-stores being drawn. I hesitated: it was very dark. I tried to utter that word of mine, but it came in a whisper inaudible to my ears: I tried again, and this time heard myself say: 'anyone?' At the same time I had made another step forward, and trodden upon a soft abdomen; and at that contact terrors the most cold and ghastly thrilled me through and through, for it was as though I saw in that darkness the sudden eyeballs of Hell and frenzy glare upon me, and with a low gurgle of affright I was gone, helter-skelter down the stairs, treading upon flesh, across the yard, and down the street, with pelting feet, and open arms, and sobbing bosom, for I thought that all Aadheim was after me; nor was my horrid haste appeased till I was on board the Boreal, and moving down the fjord.

Around three in the afternoon, I was shocked to find myself there and turned back. It was dark when I passed through the gloomy streets of Aadheim again, heading for the quay, and I felt both hungry and exhausted. I had no intention of entering any house, but as I walked by an open porte-cochère, something—I'm not sure what—made me turn suddenly inside. My mind felt scattered, not working on its own, but rather swayed by impulses that seemed to come from outside of me. I crossed the yard and climbed a wooden spiral staircase, aided only by the dim light that allowed me to navigate around five or six indistinct figures lying there. In that cramped space, strange feelings overwhelmed me; I reached the first landing and tried the door, but it was locked. I went up to the second floor: the door was open, and with a sense of unease, I took a step into the pitch darkness, the window shades closed. I hesitated; it was very dark. I tried to call out, but my voice came out as a whisper I couldn't hear: I tried again, and this time I heard myself say: 'anyone?' At the same time, I took another step forward and stepped onto something soft. That contact sent chills of fear through me, as if I could see the terrible eyes of Hell glaring at me in the darkness, and with a frightened gurgle, I rushed back down the stairs, stepping on flesh, across the yard, and down the street, my feet pounding, arms wide open, and sobbing, because I thought everyone in Aadheim was chasing me; my frantic pace didn’t slow until I was on board the Boreal, moving down the fjord.

Out to sea, then, I went again; and within the next few days I visited Bergen, and put in at Stavanger. And I saw that Bergen and Stavanger were dead.

Out to sea I went again; and in the next few days I visited Bergen and stopped at Stavanger. And I saw that Bergen and Stavanger were lifeless.

It was then, on the 19th August, that I turned my bow toward my native land.

It was then, on August 19th, that I pointed my bow towards my homeland.


From Stavanger I steered a straight course for the Humber.

From Stavanger, I headed directly for the Humber.

I had no sooner left behind me the Norway coast than I began to meet the ships, the ships—ship after ship; and by the time I entered the zone of the ordinary alternation of sunny day and sunless night, I was moving through the midst of an incredible number of craft, a mighty and wide-spread fleet.

I had barely left the Norway coast when I started encountering ships—ship after ship; and by the time I entered the regular cycle of sunny days and dark nights, I was surrounded by an astonishing number of vessels, a vast and widespread fleet.

Over all that great expanse of the North Sea, where, in its most populous days of trade, the sailor might perhaps sight a sail or two, I had now at every moment at least ten or twelve within scope of the glass, oftentimes as many as forty, forty-five.

Over the vastness of the North Sea, where, during its busiest trading days, a sailor might spot a couple of sails, I now had at least ten or twelve in view at all times, and often as many as forty or forty-five.

And very still they lay on a still sea, itself a dead thing, livid as the lips of death; and there was an intensity in the calm that was appalling: for the ocean seemed weighted, and the air drugged.

And they lay very still on a calm sea, which was like a lifeless thing, pale as the lips of death; and there was a terrifying intensity in the calm: the ocean felt heavy, and the air felt stifling.

Extremely slow was my advance, for at first I would not leave any ship, however remotely small, without approaching sufficiently to investigate her, at least with the spy-glass: and a strange multitudinous mixture of species they were, trawlers in hosts, war-ships of every nation, used, it seemed, as passenger-boats, smacks, feluccas, liners, steam-barges, great four-masters with sails, Channel boats, luggers, a Venetian burchiello, colliers, yachts, remorqueurs, training ships, dredgers, two dahabeeahs with curving gaffs, Marseilles fishers, a Maltese speronare, American off-shore sail, Mississippi steam-boats, Sorrento lug-schooners, Rhine punts, yawls, old frigates and three-deckers, called to novel use, Stromboli caiques, Yarmouth tubs, xebecs, Rotterdam flat-bottoms, floats, mere gunwaled rafts—anything from anywhere that could bear a human freight on water had come, and was here: and all, I knew, had been making westward, or northward, or both; and all, I knew, were crowded; and all were tombs, listlessly wandering, my God, on the wandering sea with their dead.

My progress was incredibly slow because at first, I wouldn’t pass by any ship, no matter how small, without getting close enough to check it out, even if it was just with the telescope. They were a bizarre mix of different types—trawlers in groups, warships from various countries, seemingly repurposed as passenger boats, smacks, feluccas, liners, steam-barges, huge four-masted sailing ships, Channel boats, luggers, a Venetian burchiello, colliers, yachts, remorqueurs, training ships, dredgers, and two dahabeeahs with curved gaffs, Marseilles fishing boats, a Maltese speronare, American offshore sailboats, Mississippi steamers, Sorrento lug-schooners, Rhine punts, yawls, old frigates and three-deckers, all called to new uses, Stromboli caiques, Yarmouth tubs, xebecs, Rotterdam flat-bottomed boats, rafts—anything that could carry people on water had come here. I knew they were all heading west or north, or both; they were all cramped together, and all were like tombs, aimlessly drifting, my God, on the wandering sea with their dead.

And so fair was the world about them, too: the brightest suavest autumn weather; all the still air aromatic with that vernal perfume of peach: yet not so utterly still, but if I passed close to the lee of any floating thing, the spicy stirrings of morning or evening wafted me faint puffs of the odour of mortality over-ripe for the grave.

And the surroundings were beautiful too: the warm, pleasant autumn weather; the air filled with the sweet scent of peaches. It wasn’t completely quiet, though, because when I walked near any floating object, the gentle breezes of morning or evening would carry faint whiffs of the smell of decay that felt too close to death.

So abominable and accursed did this become to me, such a plague and a hissing, vague as was the offence, that I began to shun rather than seek the ships, and also I now dropped my twelve, whom I had kept to be my companions all the way from the Far North, one by one, into the sea: for now I had definitely passed into a zone of settled warmth.

So terrible and cursed did this become for me, such a nuisance and a bother, unclear as the reason was, that I started to avoid the ships instead of looking for them, and I also let go of my twelve companions, whom I had kept by my side all the way from the Far North, one by one, into the sea: for now I had clearly entered a region of stable warmth.

I was convinced, however, that the poison, whatever it might be, had some embalming, or antiseptic, effect upon the bodies: at Aadheim, Bergen and Stavanger, for instance, where the temperature permitted me to go without a jacket, only the merest hints and whiffs of the processes of dissolution had troubled me.

I was convinced, though, that the poison, whatever it was, had some kind of embalming or antiseptic effect on the bodies: in Aadheim, Bergen, and Stavanger, for example, where the weather allowed me to go without a jacket, I only noticed the slightest hints and smells of decomposition bothering me.


Very benign, I say, and pleasant to see, was sky and sea during all that voyage: but it was at sun-set that my sense of the wondrously beautiful was roused and excited, in spite of that great burden which I carried. Certainly, I never saw sun-sets resembling those, nor could have conceived of aught so flamboyant, extravagant, and bewitched: for the whole heaven seemed turned into an arena for warring Hierarchies, warring for the universe, or it was like the wild countenance of God defeated, and flying marred and bloody from His enemies. But many evenings I watched with unintelligent awe, believing it but a portent of the un-sheathed sword of the Almighty; till, one morning, a thought pricked me like a sword, for I suddenly remembered the great sun-sets of the later nineteenth century, witnessed in Europe, America, and, I believe, over the world, after the eruption of the volcano of Krakatoa.

The sky and sea were really calm and beautiful throughout the entire journey, but it was during sunset that my appreciation for the stunning beauty really kicked in, despite the heavy burden I carried. Honestly, I had never seen sunsets like those, nor could I have imagined anything so vibrant, extravagant, and captivating: the entire sky looked like an arena where conflicting forces were battling for the universe, or it felt like the wild face of God, defeated and flying away, marked and bloodied by His enemies. Many evenings, I watched in silent wonder, thinking it was just a sign of the unsheathed sword of the Almighty; until one morning, a thought hit me like a blade—I suddenly remembered the amazing sunsets of the late nineteenth century that I had seen in Europe, America, and, I believe, across the world, following the eruption of the Krakatoa volcano.

And whereas I had before said to myself: 'If now a wave from the Deep has washed over this planetary ship of earth...,' I said now: 'A wave—but not from the Deep: a wave rather which she had reserved, and has spouted, from her own un-motherly entrails...'

And while I had previously thought to myself, 'If a wave from the Deep has washed over this planet called Earth...,' I now said, 'A wave—but not from the Deep: a wave that she has held back and has erupted from her own un-motherly insides...'


I had some knowledge of Morse telegraphy, and of the manipulation of tape-machines, telegraphic typing-machines, and the ordinary wireless transmitter and coherer, as of most little things of that sort which came within the outskirts of the interest of a man of science; I had collaborated with Professor Stanistreet in the production of a text-book called 'Applications of Science to the Arts,' which had brought us some notoriety; and, on the whole, the minutiae of modern things were still pretty fresh in my memory. I could therefore have wired from Bergen or Stavanger, supposing the batteries not run down, to somewhere: but I would not: I was so afraid; afraid lest for ever from nowhere should come one answering click, or flash, or stirring....

I had some knowledge of Morse code, and I knew how to use tape machines, telegraphic typewriters, and regular wireless transmitters and coherers, along with other little things related to science. I had worked with Professor Stanistreet on a textbook called 'Applications of Science to the Arts,' which had gained us some recognition. Overall, the details of modern technology were still pretty fresh in my mind. So, I could have sent a message from Bergen or Stavanger, assuming the batteries weren’t dead, to anywhere. But I wouldn’t do it; I was too scared—scared that there might come an answering click, or flash, or movement from nowhere…


I could have made short work, and landed at Hull: but I would not: I was so afraid. For I was used to the silence of the ice: and I was used to the silence of the sea: but I was afraid of the silence of England.

I could have gotten it done quickly and landed in Hull, but I didn’t want to. I was so scared. I was used to the quiet of the ice and the quiet of the sea, but I was afraid of the quiet in England.


I came in sight of the coast on the morning of the 26th August, somewhere about Hornsea, but did not see any town, for I put the helm to port, and went on further south, no longer bothering with the instruments, but coasting at hap-hazard, now in sight of land, and now in the centre of a circle of sea; not admitting to myself the motive of this loitering slowness, nor thinking at all, but ignoring the deep-buried fear of the to-morrow which I shirked, and instinctively hiding myself in to-day. I passed the Wash, I passed Yarmouth, Felixstowe. By now the things that floated motionless on the sea were beyond numbering, for I could hardly lower my eyes ten minutes and lift them, without seeing yet another there: so that soon after dusk I, too, had to lie still among them all, till morning: for they lay dark, and to move at any pace would have been to drown the already dead.

I spotted the coast on the morning of August 26th, somewhere near Hornsea, but I didn’t see any towns because I turned the helm to the left and continued further south, no longer paying attention to the instruments, just drifting along the coast randomly, sometimes close to land and other times in the middle of the sea; not admitting to myself the reason for this lingering slowness, not thinking at all, but consciously avoiding the deep-seated fear of tomorrow that I was trying to escape, instinctively hiding in today. I passed the Wash, I passed Yarmouth, Felixstowe. By now, the things that floated motionless on the sea were countless, as I could hardly lower my gaze for ten minutes and then look up without seeing yet another one: so that soon after dark, I too had to lie still among them all until morning, as they lay dark, and to move at all would have meant to drown the already dead.

Well, I came to the Thames-mouth, and lay pretty well in among the Flats and Pan Sands towards eight one evening, not seven miles from Sheppey and the North Kent coast: and I did not see any Nore Light, nor Girdler Light: and all along the coast I had seen no light: but as to that I said not one word to myself, not admitting it, nor letting my heart know what my brain thought, nor my brain know what my heart surmised; but with a daft and mock-mistrustful under-look I would regard the darkling land, holding it a sentient thing that would be playing a prank upon a poor man like me.

Well, I arrived at the Thames mouth and was settled among the Flats and Pan Sands around eight one evening, not far from Sheppey and the North Kent coast. I didn’t see any Nore Light or Girdler Light, and there were no lights along the coast. But I kept that thought to myself, not letting it in my heart or letting my brain acknowledge what it suspected; instead, with a silly and half-mistrustful glance, I looked at the dark land, thinking of it as a living thing that was playing tricks on someone like me.

And the next morning, when I moved again, my furtive eye-corners were very well aware of the Prince's Channel light-ship, and also the Tongue ship, for there they were: but I would not look at them at all, nor go near them: for I did not wish to have anything to do with whatever might have happened beyond my own ken, and it was better to look straight before, seeing nothing, and concerning one's-self with one's-self.

And the next morning, when I moved again, my sneaky peripheral vision was very aware of the Prince's Channel light-ship and the Tongue ship; there they were. But I didn’t want to look at them at all, nor go near them. I didn’t want to get involved with whatever might have happened beyond what I knew, and it was better to look straight ahead, seeing nothing, and focus on myself.

The next evening, after having gone out to sea again, I was in a little to the E. by S. of the North Foreland: and I saw no light there, nor any Sandhead light; but over the sea vast signs of wreckage, and the coasts were strewn with old wrecked fleets. I turned about S.E., very slowly moving—for anywhere hereabouts hundreds upon hundreds of craft lay dead within a ten-mile circle of sea—and by two in the fore-day had wandered up well in sight of the French cliffs: for I had said: 'I will go and see the light-beam of the great revolving-drum on Calais pier that nightly beams half-way over-sea to England.' And the moon shone clear in the southern heaven that morning, like a great old dying queen whose Court swarms distantly from around her, diffident, pale, and tremulous, the paler the nearer; and I could see the mountain-shadows on her spotty full-face, and her misty aureole, and her lights on the sea, as it were kisses stolen in the kingdom of sleep; and all among the quiet ships mysterious white trails and powderings of light, like palace-corridors in some fairy-land forlorn, full of breathless wan whispers, scandals, and runnings-to-and-fro, with leers, and agitated last embraces, and flight of the princess, and death-bed of the king; and on the N.E. horizon a bank of brown cloud that seemed to have no relation with the world; and yonder, not far, the white coast-cliffs, not so low as at Calais near, but arranged in masses separated by vales of sward, each with its wreck: but no light of any revolving-drum I saw.

The next evening, after heading out to sea again, I was a bit east-southeast of the North Foreland. I didn’t see any light there, or any Sandhead light; instead, the sea was full of signs of wreckage, and the coasts were cluttered with old sunken ships. I turned southeast, moving very slowly—because around here, hundreds of boats lay abandoned within a ten-mile stretch of sea—and by two in the early morning, I had drifted close enough to see the French cliffs. I thought to myself, "I’ll go check out the light beam from the big rotating drum on Calais pier that shines halfway across the sea to England every night.” The moon was shining brightly in the southern sky that morning, like an ancient, dying queen with her court drifting away, hesitant, pale, and trembling, the closer they got to her. I could see the mountain shadows on her spotted full face, her hazy halo, and her reflections on the sea, as if it were kisses taken in the kingdom of sleep; and all around the quiet ships were mysterious white trails and sparkles of light, like the hallways of a forgotten fairyland, filled with breathless whispers, secrets, and hurried movements, with glances, and frantic last goodbyes, and the princess fleeing, and the king on his deathbed; and on the northeastern horizon was a bank of brown clouds that seemed disconnected from the world; and over there, not too far away, were the white cliffs, not as low as those near Calais, but arranged in groups separated by grassy valleys, each hiding its wreck: but I didn’t see any light from that revolving drum.


I could not sleep that night: for all the operations of my mind and body seemed in abeyance. Mechanically I turned the ship westward again; and when the sun came up, there, hardly two miles from me, were the cliffs of Dover; and on the crenulated summit of the Castle I spied the Union Jack hang motionless.

I couldn't sleep that night; everything in my mind and body felt like it was on pause. I automatically steered the ship west again, and when the sun rose, I saw the cliffs of Dover just two miles away from me. On the jagged top of the castle, I spotted the Union Jack hanging completely still.

I heard eight, nine o'clock strike in the cabin, and I was still at sea. But some mad, audacious whisper was at my brain: and at 10.30, the 2nd September, immediately opposite the Cross Wall Custom House, the Boreal's anchor-chain, after a voyage of three years, two months, and fourteen days, ran thundering, thundering, through the starboard hawse-hole.

I heard the clock strike eight and nine in the cabin, and I was still at sea. But some wild, daring thought lingered in my mind: and at 10:30 on September 2nd, right in front of the Cross Wall Custom House, the Boreal's anchor chain, after a journey of three years, two months, and fourteen days, came crashing through the starboard hawse-hole.

Ah heaven! but I must have been stark mad to let the anchor go! for the effect upon me of that shocking obstreperous hubbub, breaking in upon all that cemetery repose that blessed morning, and lasting it seemed a year, was most appalling; and at the sudden racket I stood excruciated, with shivering knees and flinching heart, God knows: for not less terrifically uproarious than the clatter of the last Trump it raged and raged, and I thought that all the billion dead could not fail to start, and rise, at alarum so excessive, and question me with their eyes....

Ah, heaven! I must have been completely crazy to let the anchor go! The impact of that shocking, loud noise, breaking the peacefulness of that beautiful morning, felt like it lasted a year and was absolutely terrifying; at the sudden chaos, I stood there in agony, with shaking knees and a racing heart, God knows: for the uproar was just as overwhelming as the sound of the last Trump. It kept raging on, and I thought that all the billion dead could not possibly ignore it, rise up at such a deafening alarm, and stare at me with their eyes....


On the top of the Cross Wall near I saw a grey crab fearlessly crawl; at the end where the street begins, I saw a single gas-light palely burn that broad day, and at its foot a black man lay on his face, clad only in a shirt and one boot; the harbour was almost packed with every sort of craft, and on a Calais-Dover boat, eight yards from my stern, which must have left Calais crowded to suffocation, I saw the rotted dead lie heaped, she being unmoored, and continually grinding against an anchored green brig.

At the top of the Cross Wall, I saw a gray crab moving bravely; at the end where the street starts, a single gaslight flickered faintly in broad daylight, and at its base, a Black man lay face down, wearing only a shirt and one boot. The harbor was almost filled with all kinds of boats, and on a Calais-Dover ferry, eight yards from where I was, which must have left Calais packed to the brim, I saw the decayed bodies piled up, as the boat was unmoored and constantly scraping against a green brig that was anchored.

And when I saw that, I dropped down upon my knees at the capstan, and my poor heart sobbed out the frail cry: 'Well, Lord God, Thou hast destroyed the work of Thy hand...'

And when I saw that, I dropped down on my knees at the capstan, and my poor heart sobbed out the weak cry: 'Well, Lord God, You have destroyed the work of Your hand...'


After a time I got up, went below in a state of somnambulism, took a packet of pemmican cakes, leapt to land, and went following the railway that runs from the Admiralty Pier. In an enclosed passage ten yards long, with railway masonry on one side, I saw five dead lie, and could not believe that I was in England, for all were dark-skinned people, three gaudily dressed, and two in flowing white robes. It was the same when I turned into a long street, leading northward, for here were a hundred, or more, and never saw I, except in Constantinople, where I once lived eighteen months, so variegated a mixture of races, black, brunette, brown, yellow, white, in all the shades, some emaciated like people dead from hunger, and, overlooking them all, one English boy with a clean Eton collar sitting on a bicycle, supported by a lamp-post which his arms clasped, he proving clearly the extraordinary suddenness of the death which had overtaken them all.

After a while, I got up, went downstairs in a daze, grabbed a pack of pemmican cakes, jumped onto the land, and started following the railway that runs from the Admiralty Pier. In a walled-off passage about ten yards long, with railway bricks on one side, I saw five dead bodies and couldn’t believe I was in England, because all of them were dark-skinned—three dressed in bright outfits and two in flowing white robes. It was the same when I turned onto a long street heading north; there were a hundred or more people, and I'd never seen such a mix of races, black, brunette, brown, yellow, and white in all shades, some looking emaciated like they were starving. Overlooking them all was one English boy with a clean Eton collar sitting on a bicycle, resting against a lamp-post, his arms wrapped around it, clearly highlighting the suddenness of the deaths that had happened.

I did not know whither, nor why, I went, nor had I the least idea whether all this was visually seen by me in the world which I had known, or in some other, or was all phantasy of my disembodied spirit—for I had the thought that I, too, might be dead since old ages, and my spirit wandering now through the universe of space, in which there is neither north nor south, nor up nor down, nor measure nor relation, nor aught whatever, save an uneasy consciousness of a dream about bottomlessness. Of grief or pain, I think, I felt nothing; though I have a sort of memory now that some sound, resembling a sob or groan, though it was neither, came at regular clockwork intervals from my bosom during three or four days. Meantime, my brain registered like a tape-machine details the most frivolous, the most ludicrous—the name of a street, Strond Street, Snargate Street; the round fur cap—black fur for the side, white ermine for the top—of a portly Karaite priest on his back, whose robes had been blown to his spread knees, as if lifted and neatly folded there; a violin-bow gripped between the thick, irregular teeth of a little Spaniard with brushed-back hair and mad-looking eyes; odd shoes on the foot of a French girl, one black, one brown. They lay in the street about as numerous as gunners who fall round their carriage, at intervals of five to ten feet, the majority—as was the case also in Norway, and on the ships—in poses of distraction, with spread arms, or wildly distorted limbs, like men who, the instant before death, called upon the rocks and hills to cover them.

I didn't know where I was going or why, and I had no idea if what I was seeing was from the world I had known or a different one, or if it was just a fantasy of my spirit that might be wandering since ancient times. I thought maybe I was dead and my spirit was drifting through a boundless universe, where there was no north or south, up or down, no measurements or relationships, just a nagging sense of a dream about endlessness. I don’t think I felt grief or pain, though I vaguely remember some sound, like a sob or a groan, coming from my chest at regular intervals for three or four days. Meanwhile, my mind recorded the most trivial and ridiculous details like a tape machine: the names of streets—Strond Street, Snargate Street; the round fur cap—black fur on the sides, white ermine on top—of a plump Karaite priest, whose robes were blown up to his knees as if neatly folded there; a violin bow stuck between the thick, crooked teeth of a small Spaniard with slicked-back hair and wild eyes; odd shoes on a French girl’s feet, one black and one brown. They lay scattered in the street like gunners fallen around their carriage, spaced five to ten feet apart, most of them—just like in Norway and on the ships—in poses of distraction, with arms flung wide or limbs twisted grotesquely, as if they had just called for the rocks and hills to cover them at the moment of their death.


On the left I came to an opening in the land, called, I believe, 'The Shaft,' and into this I turned, climbing a very great number of steps, almost covered at one point with dead: the steps I began to count, but left off, then the dead, and left off. Finally, at the top, which must be even higher than the Castle, I came to a great open space laid out with gravel-walks, and saw fortifications, barracks, a citadel. I did not know the town, except by passings-through, and was surprised at the breadth of view. Between me and the Castle to the east lay the district of crowding houses, brick and ragstone, mixed in the distance with vague azure haze; and to the right the harbour, the sea, with their ships; and visible around me on the heights seven or eight dead, biting the dust; the sun now high and warm, with hardly a cloud in the sky; and yonder a mist, which was the coast of France.

On the left, I came to an opening in the land, which I think is called 'The Shaft,' and I entered it, climbing a huge number of steps, almost covered at one point with the dead. I started to count the steps but then lost track, and then I stopped counting the dead. Finally, at the top, which must be even higher than the Castle, I reached a large open area with gravel paths, and I saw fortifications, barracks, and a citadel. I didn't know the town except for passing through it, and I was surprised by the wide view. Between me and the Castle to the east was a district filled with houses, made of brick and ragstone, fading into a distant blue haze; to my right was the harbor, the sea, and their ships; and around me on the heights were seven or eight dead bodies, lying in the dust. The sun was now high and warm, with hardly a cloud in the sky, and over there was a mist, which marked the coast of France.

It seemed too big for one poor man.

It felt like too much for one poor guy.

My head nodded. I sat on a bench, black-painted and hard, the seat and back of horizontal boards, with intervals; and as I looked, I nodded, heavy-headed and weary: for it was too big for me. And as I nodded, with forehead propped on my left hand, and the packet of pemmican cakes in my right, there was in my head, somehow, an old street-song of my childhood: and I groaned it sleepily, like coronachs and drear funereal nenias, dirging; and the packet beat time in my right hand, falling and raising, falling heavily and rising, in time.

My head nodded. I sat on a hard, black-painted bench with horizontal slats and gaps between them. As I looked around, I nodded, feeling heavy-headed and exhausted because it felt overwhelming. With my forehead resting on my left hand and a packet of pemmican cakes in my right, an old street song from my childhood played in my mind. I groaned it out sleepily, like mournful laments, and the packet kept the beat in my right hand, falling and rising, falling heavily and then rising in rhythm.

I'll buy the ring,
You'll rear the kids:
Servants to wait on our ting, ting, ting.
.    .    .    .    .
.    .    .    .    .
Ting, ting,
Won't we be happy?
Ting, ting,
That shall be it:
I'll buy the ring,
You'll rear the kids:
Servants to wait on our ting, ting, ting.
.    .    .    .    .
.    .    .    .    .

I'll buy the ring,
You'll raise the kids:
Servants to wait on our ding, ding, ding.
.    .    .    .    .
.    .    .    .    .
Ding, ding,
Won't we be happy?
Ding, ding,
That will be it:
I'll buy the ring,
You'll raise the kids:
Servants to wait on our ding, ding, ding.
.    .    .    .    .
.    .    .    .    .

So maundering, I fell forward upon my face, and for twenty-three hours, the living undistinguished from the dead, I slept there.

So wandering, I fell forward onto my face, and for twenty-three hours, unable to tell the living from the dead, I slept there.


I was awakened by drizzle, leapt up, looked at a silver chronometer which, attached by a leather to my belt, I carried in my breeches-pocket, and saw that it was 10 A.M. The sky was dark, and a moaning wind—almost a new thing now to me—had arisen.

I was woken up by light rain, jumped up, checked a silver watch that I had on a leather strap attached to my belt and kept in my pocket, and saw that it was 10 A.M. The sky was overcast, and a low wind—something that felt pretty new to me—had picked up.

I ate some pemmican, for I had a reluctance—needless as it turned out—to touch any of the thousand luxuries here, sufficient no doubt, in a town like Dover alone, to last me five or six hundred years, if I could live so long; and, having eaten, I descended The Shaft, and spent the whole day, though it rained and blustered continually, in wandering about. Reasoning, in my numb way, from the number of ships on the sea, I expected to find the town over-crowded with dead: but this was not so; and I should say, at a venture, that not a thousand English, nor fifteen thousand foreigners, were in it: for that westward rage and stampede must have operated here also, leaving the town empty but for the ever new-coming hosts.

I had some pemmican because I was hesitant—though it turned out to be unnecessary—to try any of the countless luxuries available here, which would probably last me five or six hundred years in a place like Dover, if I could live that long. After eating, I went down The Shaft and spent the entire day wandering around, even though it rained and gusted the whole time. Using my dull reasoning based on the number of ships at sea, I expected the town to be packed with the dead, but that wasn't the case. I'd guess that there weren't even a thousand English people or fifteen thousand foreigners in it; the westward rush and stampede must have affected this place too, leaving it mostly empty except for the constantly arriving new crowds.

The first thing which I did was to go into an open grocer's shop, which was also a post and telegraph office, with the notion, I suppose, to get a message through to London. In the shop a single gas-light was burning its last, and this, with that near the pier, were the only two that I saw: and ghastly enough they looked, transparently wannish, and as it were ashamed, like blinking night-things overtaken by the glare of day. I conjectured that they had so burned and watched during months, or years: for they were now blazing diminished, with streaks and rays in the flame, as if by effort, and if these were the only two, they must have needed time to all-but exhaust the works. Before the counter lay a fashionably-dressed negro with a number of tied parcels scattered about him, and on the counter an empty till, and behind it a tall thin woman with her face resting sideways in the till, fingers clutching the outer counter-rim, and such an expression of frantic terror as I never saw. I got over the counter to a table behind a wire-gauze, and, like a numb fool, went over the Morse alphabet in my mind before touching the transmitting key, though I knew no code-words, and there, big enough to be seen, was the ABC dial, and who was to answer my message I did not ask myself: for habit was still strong upon me, and my mind refused to reason from what I saw to what I did not see; but the moment I touched the key, and peered greedily at the galvanometer-needle at my right, I saw that it did not move, for no current was passing; and with a kind of fright, I was up, leapt, and got away from the place, though there was a great number of telegrams about the receiver which, if I had been in my senses, I would have stopped and read.

The first thing I did was walk into an open grocery store that also served as a post and telegraph office, probably hoping to get a message through to London. Inside, a single gas light was barely glowing, and this, along with the one near the pier, were the only two lights I saw. They looked pretty eerie, pale and almost embarrassed, like nighttime creatures caught in the harsh light of day. I guessed they had been burning for months or even years because their flames flickered weakly, as if trying hard to stay lit, and if these were the only two, they must have needed a long time to nearly burn out. In front of the counter sat a stylishly dressed Black man with several tied parcels scattered around him. On the counter was an empty cash register, and behind it was a tall, thin woman, her face resting sideways in the cash drawer, her fingers clutching the edge of the counter, displaying an expression of sheer terror that I had never seen before. I climbed over the counter to a table behind a wire mesh and, feeling a bit dazed, mentally went through the Morse code alphabet before touching the transmission key, even though I didn't know any code words. The ABC dial was clearly visible, yet I didn’t even stop to think about who would get my message. My habits were too ingrained, and my mind just wouldn’t connect what I saw with what I couldn’t see. But the moment I touched the key and eagerly watched the galvanometer needle to my right, I realized it didn’t move because there was no current flowing. In a panic, I jumped up and left the place, even though there were plenty of telegrams around the receiver that, had I been thinking clearly, I would have stopped to read.

Turning the corner of the next street, I saw wide-open the door of a substantial large house, and went in. From bottom to top there was no one there, except one English girl, sitting back in an easy-chair in the drawing-room, which was richly furnished with Valenciennes curtains and azure-satin things. She was a girl of the lowest class, hardly clad in black rags, and there she lay with hanging jaw, in a very crooked and awkward pose, a jemmy at her feet, in her left hand a roll of bank-notes, and in her lap three watches. In fact, the bodies which I saw here were, in general, either those of new-come foreigners, or else of the very poor, the very old, or the very young.

Turning the corner of the next street, I saw the door of a big house wide open and walked in. From top to bottom, there was no one there except one English girl sitting back in an easy chair in the drawing-room, which was elegantly decorated with Valenciennes curtains and blue satin items. She was from a really low social class, barely dressed in tattered black rags, and she lay there with her jaw hanging, in a very awkward and twisted position, a jemmy at her feet, a roll of banknotes in her left hand, and three watches in her lap. In fact, the bodies I saw here were mostly those of newly arrived foreigners or people who were very poor, very old, or very young.

But what made me remember this house was that I found here on one of the sofas a newspaper: The Kent Express; and sitting unconscious of my dead neighbour, I pored a long while over what was written there.

But what reminded me of this house was that I found a newspaper here on one of the sofas: The Kent Express; and sitting there, unaware of my dead neighbor, I spent a long time reading what was written.

It said in a passage which I tore out and kept:

It said in a section that I ripped out and saved:

'Telegraphic communication with Tilsit, Insterburg, Warsaw, Cracow, Przemysl, Gross Wardein, Karlsburg, and many smaller towns lying immediately eastward of the 21st parallel of longitude has ceased during the night. In some at least of them there must have been operators still at their duty, undrawn into the great westward-rushing torrent: but as all messages from Western Europe have been answered only by that dread mysterious silence which, just three months and two days since, astounded the world in the case of Eastern New Zealand, we can only assume that these towns, too, have been added to the long and mournful list; indeed, after last evening's Paris telegrams we might have prophesied with some certainty, not merely their overthrow, but even the hour of it: for the rate-uniformity of the slow-riding vapour which is touring our globe is no longer doubtful, and has even been definitely fixed by Professor Craven at 100-1/2 miles per day, or 4 miles 330 yards per hour. Its nature, its origin, remains, of course, nothing but matter of conjecture: for it leaves no living thing behind it: nor, God knows, is that of any moment now to us who remain. The rumour that it is associated with an odour of almonds is declared, on high authority, to be improbable; but the morose purple of its impending gloom has been attested by tardy fugitives from the face of its rolling and smoky march.

'Telegraphic communication with Tilsit, Insterburg, Warsaw, Cracow, Przemysl, Gross Wardein, Karlsburg, and many smaller towns just east of the 21st parallel of longitude has stopped during the night. At least some of the operators must have still been on duty, not swept away by the massive westward flow: but since all messages from Western Europe have only met with that terrifying silence that, just three months and two days ago, shocked the world concerning Eastern New Zealand, we can only assume that these towns have also been added to the long and sad list; indeed, after last night’s telegrams from Paris, we could have predicted with some confidence, not just their downfall, but even the timing of it: for the consistent speed of the slow-moving vapour traveling around our globe is now evident, and has even been confirmed by Professor Craven at 100-1/2 miles per day, or about 4 miles and 330 yards per hour. Its nature and origin remain purely speculative: it leaves no living thing in its wake, and, God knows, that doesn’t matter much to us who are still here. The rumor that it is linked to an almond scent has been stated, by high authority, to be unlikely; however, the dark purple of its looming gloom has been confirmed by late escapees from its rolling and smoky advance.'

'Is this the end? We do not, and cannot, believe it. Will the pure sky which we to-day see above us be invaded in nine days, or less, by this smoke of the Pit of Darkness? In spite of the assurances of the scientists, we still doubt. For, if so, to what purpose that long drama of History, in which we seem to see the Hand of the Dramaturgist? Surely, the end of a Fifth Act should be obvious, satisfying to one's sense of the complete: but History, so far, long as it has been, resembles rather a Prologue than a Fifth Act. Can it be that the Manager, utterly dissatisfied, would sweep all off, and 'hang up' the piece for ever? Certainly, the sins of mankind have been as scarlet: and if the fair earth which he has turned into Hell, send forth now upon him the smoke of Hell, little the wonder. But we cannot yet believe. There is a sparing strain in nature, and through the world, as a thread, is spun a silence which smiles, and on the end of events we find placarded large the words: "Why were ye afraid?" A dignified Hope, therefore—even now, when we cower beneath this worldwide shadow of the wings of the Condor of Death—becomes us: and, indeed, we see such an attitude among some of the humblest of our people, from whose heart ascends the cry: "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." Here, therefore, O Lord! O Lord, look down, and save!

'Is this the end? We don’t believe it, and we can’t. Will the clear sky we see above us today be filled in nine days, or sooner, with the smoke from the Pit of Darkness? Despite what the scientists say, we still have doubts. If that’s the case, what was the point of that long drama of History, where we seem to glimpse the Hand of the Playwright? Surely, the end of a Fifth Act should be clear and satisfying to our sense of completion: yet, so far, History, no matter how long it’s been, feels more like a Prologue than a Fifth Act. Could it be that the Director, completely dissatisfied, would wipe everything away and 'put the play on hold' forever? Certainly, humanity's sins have been great: and if the beautiful earth we've turned into Hell now sends forth the smoke of Hell upon us, it’s hardly surprising. But we still can’t believe it. There is a cautious energy in nature, and through the world, there’s a silence that smiles, and on the final events, we see the words boldly displayed: "Why were you afraid?" A dignified Hope, then—even now, as we shrink beneath this worldwide shadow of the wings of the Condor of Death—suits us: indeed, we see such an outlook among some of our most humble people, from whose hearts rises the cry: "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." So here, O Lord! O Lord, look down and save!‘

'But even as we thus write of hope, Reason, if we would hear her, whispers us "fool": and inclement is the sky of earth. No more ships can New York Harbour contain, and whereas among us men die weekly of privations by the hundred thousand, yonder across the sea they perish by the million: for where the rich are pinched, how can the poor live? Already 700 out of the 1000 millions of our race have perished, and the empires of civilisation have crumbled like sand-castles in a horror of anarchy. Thousands upon thousands of unburied dead, anticipating the more deliberate doom that comes and smokes, and rides and comes and comes, and does not fail, encumber the streets of London, Manchester, Liverpool. The guides of the nation have fled; the father stabs his child, and the wife her husband, for a morsel of food; the fields lie waste; wanton crowds carouse in our churches, universities, palaces, banks and hospitals; we understand that late last night three territorial regiments, the Munster Fusiliers, and the Lotian and East Lancashire Regiments, riotously disbanded themselves, shooting two officers; infectious diseases, as we all know, have spread beyond limit; in several towns the police seem to have disappeared, and, in nearly all, every vestige of decency; the results following upon the sudden release of the convicts appear to be monstrous in the respective districts; and within three short months Hell seems to have acquired this entire planet, sending forth Horror, like a rabid wolf, and Despair, like a disastrous sky, to devour and confound her. Hear, therefore, O Lord, and forgive our iniquities! O Lord, we beseech Thee! Look down, O Lord, and spare!'

'But even as we write about hope, Reason, if we would listen to her, whispers "fool": and the sky above us is harsh. New York Harbour can't hold any more ships, and while many of us die weekly from lack of resources by the hundreds of thousands, over there across the sea, they perish by the millions: for if the wealthy are struggling, how can the poor survive? Already 700 out of 1,000 million of our race have died, and the empires of civilization have crumbled like sandcastles in a nightmare of chaos. Thousands upon thousands of unburied dead, anticipating the grim fate that arrives and smokes, and comes and comes without fail, litter the streets of London, Manchester, Liverpool. The leaders of the nation have fled; a father stabs his child, and a wife her husband, for a morsel of food; the fields lie abandoned; unruly crowds party in our churches, universities, palaces, banks, and hospitals; we understand that late last night three territorial regiments, the Munster Fusiliers, and the Lotian and East Lancashire Regiments, violently disbanded, shooting two officers; infectious diseases, as we all know, have spread beyond control; in several towns the police seem to have vanished, and, in nearly all, every trace of decency; the aftermath of the sudden release of the convicts appears to be horrific in those areas; and within three short months, Hell seems to have taken over this entire planet, unleashing Horror, like a rabid wolf, and Despair, like a devastating sky, to consume and confuse us. Hear us, O Lord, and forgive our wrongs! O Lord, we plead with You! Look down, O Lord, and have mercy!'


When I had read this, and the rest of the paper, which had one whole sheet-side blank, I sat a long hour there, eyeing a little patch of the purple ash on a waxed board near the corner where the girl sat with her time-pieces, so useless in her Eternity; and there was not a feeling in me, except a pricking of curiosity, which afterwards became morbid and ravenous, to know something more of that cloud, or smoke, of which this man spoke, of its dates, its origin, its nature, its minute details. Afterwards, I went down, and entered several houses, searching for more papers, but did not find any; then I found a paper-shop which was open, with boards outside, but either it had been deserted, or printing must have stopped about the date of the paper which I had read, for the only three news-papers there were dated long prior, and I did not read them.

When I finished reading this and the rest of the paper, which had one whole blank page, I sat there for a long hour, staring at a little patch of purple ash on a waxed board near the corner where the girl sat with her useless timepieces in her Eternity. I didn’t feel much, except a tingling curiosity that later turned into a morbid and intense desire to learn more about that cloud or smoke the man mentioned—its dates, origin, nature, and all its details. After that, I went downstairs and entered several houses, looking for more papers, but I didn’t find any. Then I came across an open paper shop with boards outside, but it either had been abandoned, or printing had stopped around the time of the paper I had read, because the only three newspapers there were dated long before, and I didn’t read them.

Now it was raining, and a blustering autumn day it was, distributing the odours of the world, and bringing me continual mixed whiffs of flowers and the hateful stench of decay. But I would not mind it much.

Now it was raining, and it was a windy autumn day, mixing the scents of the world and giving me constant conflicting smells of flowers and the awful stench of decay. But I didn’t mind it too much.

I wandered and wandered, till I was tired of spahi and bashi-bazouk, of Greek and Catalan, of Russian 'pope' and Coptic abuna, of dragoman and Calmuck, of Egyptian maulawi and Afghan mullah, Neapolitan and sheik, and the nightmare of wild poses, colours, stuffs and garbs, the yellow-green kefie of the Bedouin, shawl-turbans of Baghdad, the voluminous rose-silk tob of women, and face-veils, and stark distorted nakedness, and sashes of figured muslin, and the workman's cords, and the red tarboosh. About four, for very weariness, I was sitting on a door-steep, bent beneath the rain; but soon was up again, fascinated no doubt by this changing bazaar of sameness, its chance combinations and permutations, and novelty in monotony. About five I was at a station, marked Harbour Station, in and about which lay a considerable crowd, but not one train. I sat again, and rested, rose and roamed again; soon after six I found myself at another station, called 'Priory'; and here I saw two long trains, both crowded, one on a siding, and one at the up-platform.

I wandered and wandered until I got tired of the spahi and bashi-bazouk, the Greeks and Catalans, the Russian 'pope' and Coptic abuna, the dragoman and Calmuck, the Egyptian maulawi and Afghan mullah, the Neapolitan and sheik, and the chaotic mix of wild poses, colors, fabrics, and outfits—the yellow-green kefie of the Bedouins, the shawl-turbans from Baghdad, the flowing rose-silk tob worn by women, face-veils, bizarre nakedness, patterned muslin sashes, workman’s pants, and the red tarboosh. At around four, out of sheer exhaustion, I sat on a doorstep, hunched under the rain; but soon I was up again, undoubtedly captivated by this ever-changing bazaar of sameness, its random combinations and shifts, and novelty in monotony. By five, I was at a station labeled Harbour Station, surrounded by a sizable crowd, though not a single train in sight. I sat down again to rest, then rose and wandered some more; shortly after six, I found myself at another station called 'Priory'; and here I saw two long trains, both packed—one on a siding and one at the platform.

I examined both engines, and found them of the old boiler steam-type with manholes, heaters, autoclaves, feed-pump, &c., now rare in western countries, except England. In one there was no water, but in that at the platform, the float-lever, barely tilted toward the float, showed that there was some in the boiler. Of this one I overhauled all the machinery, and found it good, though rusted. There was plenty of fuel, and oil, which I supplemented from a near shop: and during ninety minutes my brain and hands worked with an intelligence as it were automatic, of their own motion. After three journeys across the station and street, I saw the fire blaze well, and the manometer move; when the lever of the safety-valve, whose load I lightened by half an atmosphere, lifted, I jumped down, and tried to disconnect the long string of carriages from the engine: but failed, the coupling being an automatic arrangement new to me; nor did I care. It was now very dark; but there was still oil for bull's-eye and lantern, and I lit them. I forgot nothing. I rolled driver and stoker—the guard was absent—one to the platform, one upon the rails: and I took their place there. At about 8.30 I ran out from Dover, my throttle-valve pealing high a long falsetto through the bleak and desolate night.

I looked over both engines and found they were old steam-type boilers with manholes, heaters, autoclaves, feed pumps, etc., which are now uncommon in western countries, except for England. One of them had no water, but the one at the platform showed that there was some in the boiler because the float lever was barely tilted toward the float. I checked all the machinery in that one and found it to be in good condition, although rusted. There was plenty of fuel and oil, which I topped up from a nearby shop. For ninety minutes, my brain and hands worked automatically, like they had a mind of their own. After making three trips across the station and street, I saw the fire burning well and the manometer moving; when I eased the load on the safety valve by half an atmosphere, I jumped down and tried to disconnect the long line of carriages from the engine, but couldn't because the coupling was an automatic setup that I wasn't familiar with, and I didn't mind. It was now very dark, but I still had oil for the bull's-eye and lantern, so I lit them. I didn't forget anything. I rolled the driver and stoker—since the guard was absent—one onto the platform and one onto the rails, and I took their place. At around 8:30, I powered out from Dover, my throttle valve making a high-pitched sound through the cold and empty night.


My aim was London. But even as I set out, my heart smote me: I knew nothing of the metals, their junctions, facing-points, sidings, shuntings, and complexities. Even as to whether I was going toward, or away from, London, I was not sure. But just in proportion as my first timorousness of the engine hardened into familiarity and self-sureness, I quickened speed, wilfully, with an obstinacy deaf and blind.

My goal was London. But even as I started, I felt a pang of anxiety: I knew nothing about the tracks, their connections, switch points, side tracks, or all the complexities involved. I wasn't even sure if I was heading toward or away from London. However, as my initial fear of the engine transformed into familiarity and confidence, I increased my speed, stubbornly and willfully, with a reckless determination.

Finally, from a mere crawl at first, I was flying at a shocking velocity, while something, tongue in cheek, seemed to whisper me: 'There must be other trains blocking the lines, at stations, in yards, and everywhere—it is a maniac's ride, a ride of death, and Flying Dutchman's frenzy: remember your dark five-deep brigade of passengers, who rock and bump together, and will suffer in a collision.' But with mulish stubbornness I thought: 'They wished to go to London'; and on I raged, not wildly exhilarated, so far as I can remember, nor lunatic, but feeling the dull glow of a wicked and morose Unreason urge in my bosom, while I stoked all blackened at the fire, or saw the vague mass of dead horse or cow, running trees and fields, and dark homestead and deep-slumbering farm, flit ghostly athwart the murky air, as the half-blind saw 'men like trees walking.'

Finally, starting from a slow crawl, I was speeding at a surprising pace, while something teasing seemed to whisper to me: 'There must be other trains blocking the tracks, at stations, in yards, and everywhere—it’s a crazy ride, a ride of death, and the Flying Dutchman’s madness: remember your dark five-deep group of passengers, who jostle and bump together, and will suffer in a crash.' But with stubborn determination, I thought: 'They wanted to go to London'; and I continued my furious journey, not wildly exhilarated, as far as I can recall, nor insane, but feeling a dull, wicked urge of Unreason inside me, while I stoked the fire, or saw the vague shape of dead horses or cows, trees and fields rushing by, and dark homesteads and deep-sleeping farms, ghostly flickering through the murky air, as the half-blind saw 'men like trees walking.'

Long, however, it did not last: I could not have been twenty miles from Dover when, on a long reach of straight lines, I made out before me a tarpaulined mass opposite a signal-point: and at once callousness changed to terror within me. But even as I plied the brake, I felt that it was too late: I rushed to the gangway to make a wild leap down an embankment to the right, but was thrown backward by a quick series of rough bumps, caused by eight or ten cattle which lay there across the lines: and when I picked myself up, and leapt, some seconds before the impact, the speed must have considerably slackened, for I received no fracture, but lay in semi-coma in a patch of yellow-flowered whin on level ground, and was even conscious of a fire on the lines forty yards away, and, all the night, of vague thunder sounding from somewhere.

However, it didn’t last long: I couldn’t have been twenty miles from Dover when, on a long stretch of straight track, I spotted a tarpaulin-covered mass in front of a signal point. Suddenly, my indifference turned to terror. But even as I hit the brakes, I realized it was too late: I rushed to the gangway to make a desperate leap down an embankment to my right but was thrown back by a quick succession of jolts caused by eight or ten cattle lying across the tracks. When I got back on my feet and jumped a few seconds before the collision, the speed must have slowed down significantly, as I didn’t suffer any fractures. I ended up lying in a semi-conscious state on a patch of yellow-flowered gorse on flat ground, and I could even see a fire on the tracks about forty yards away, along with a distant rumble that echoed throughout the night.


About five, or half-past, in the morning I was sitting up, rubbing my eyes, in a dim light mixed with drizzle. I could see that the train of my last night's debauch was a huddled-up chaos of fallen carriages and disfigured bodies. A five-barred gate on my left opened into a hedge, and swung with creaks: two yards from my feet lay a little shaggy pony with swollen wan abdomen, the very picture of death, and also about me a number of dead wet birds.

About five, or half-past, in the morning, I was sitting up, rubbing my eyes in a dim light mixed with drizzle. I could see that the aftermath of my late-night binge was a chaotic mess of toppled carriages and mangled bodies. A five-barred gate on my left opened into a hedge and swung with creaks; two yards from my feet lay a small shaggy pony with a swollen, pale belly, the very picture of death, and scattered around me were several dead, wet birds.

I picked myself up, passed through the gate, and walked up a row of trees to a house at their end. I found it to be a little country-tavern with a barn, forming one house, the barn part much larger than the tavern part. I went into the tavern by a small side-door—behind the bar—into a parlour—up a little stair—into two rooms: but no one was there. I then went round into the barn, which was paved with cobble-stones, and there lay a dead mare and foal, some fowls, with two cows. A ladder-stair led to a closed trap-door in the floor above. I went up, and in the middle of a wilderness of hay saw nine people—labourers, no doubt—five men and four women, huddled together, and with them a tin-pail containing the last of some spirit; so that these had died merry.

I got myself up, went through the gate, and walked along a row of trees to a house at the end. It turned out to be a small country tavern with a barn attached, the barn being much larger than the tavern itself. I entered the tavern through a small side door—behind the bar—into a parlor—up a short staircase—into two rooms: but nobody was there. I then walked into the barn, which had a cobblestone floor, and found a dead mare and foal, some chickens, and two cows. A ladder led to a closed trapdoor in the floor above. I climbed up, and in the middle of a sea of hay, I saw nine people—laborers, no doubt—five men and four women, huddled together, and with them a tin pail containing the last of some liquor; so they had died happy.

I slept three hours among them, and afterwards went back to the tavern, and had some biscuits of which I opened a new tin, with some ham, jam and apples, of which I made a good meal, for my pemmican was gone.

I slept for three hours with them, and then I went back to the tavern and opened a new tin of biscuits, along with some ham, jam, and apples, which made a nice meal since my pemmican was finished.

Afterwards I went following the rail-track on foot, for the engines of both the collided trains were smashed. I knew northward from southward by the position of the sun: and after a good many stoppages at houses, and by railway-banks, I came, at about eleven in the night, to a great and populous town.

Afterwards, I walked along the train tracks because the engines of both crashed trains were destroyed. I could tell north from south by the sun's position. After many stops at houses and railway banks, I arrived, around eleven at night, in a large, busy town.

By the Dane John and the Cathedral, I immediately recognised it as Canterbury, which I knew quite well. And I walked up Castle Street to the High Street, conscious for the first time of that regularly-repeated sound, like a sob or groan, which was proceeding from my throat. As there was no visible moon, and these old streets very dim, I had to pick my way, lest I should desecrate the dead with my foot, and they all should rise with hue and cry to hunt me. However, the bodies here were not numerous, most, as before, being foreigners: and these, scattered about this strict old English burg that mourning dark night, presented such a scene of the baneful wrath of God, and all abomination of desolation, as broke me quite down at one place, where I stood in travail with jeremiads and sore sobbings and lamentations, crying out upon it all, God knows.

By Dane John and the Cathedral, I immediately recognized it as Canterbury, which I knew quite well. I walked up Castle Street to High Street, aware for the first time of that familiar sound, like a sob or groan, coming from my own throat. With no visible moon and these old streets being very dim, I had to be careful where I stepped, to avoid disturbing the dead and causing them to rise up in anger to chase me. However, the bodies here were not many; most, like before, were foreigners. These scattered around this serious old English town on that mournful dark night created such a scene of God’s wrath and utter desolation that it broke me down at one point, where I stood overwhelmed with cries and deep sobs and laments, crying out against it all, God knows.

Only when I stood at the west entrance of the Cathedral I could discern, spreading up the dark nave, to the lantern, to the choir, a phantasmagorical mass of forms: I went a little inward, and striking three matches, peered nearer: the two transepts, too, seemed crowded—the cloister-doorway was blocked—the southwest porch thronged, so that a great congregation must have flocked hither shortly before their fate overtook them.

Only when I stood at the west entrance of the Cathedral could I see, stretching up the dark nave, to the lantern, to the choir, a surreal mass of shapes: I stepped a little further inside, and lighting three matches, looked closer: the two transepts also seemed packed—the cloister doorway was blocked—the southwest porch was crowded, as if a large group of people had gathered here just before their fate caught up with them.

Here it was that I became definitely certain that the after-odour of the poison was not simply lingering in the air, but was being more or less given off by the bodies: for the blossomy odour of this church actually overcame that other odour, the whole rather giving the scent of old mouldy linens long embalmed in cedars.

Here is where I became absolutely certain that the lingering smell of the poison wasn't just hanging in the air, but was actually being emitted by the bodies. The floral scent of this church completely overwhelmed that other smell, creating an overall aroma of old, damp linens long preserved in cedar.

Well, away with stealthy trot I ran from the abysmal silence of that place, and in Palace Street near made one of those sudden immoderate rackets that seemed to outrage the universe, and left me so woefully faint, decrepit, and gasping for life (the noise of the train was different, for there I was flying, but here a captive, and which way I ran was capture). Passing in Palace Street, I saw a little lampshop, and wanting a lantern, tried to get in, but the door was locked; so, after going a few steps, and kicking against a policeman's truncheon, I returned to break the window-glass. I knew that it would make a fearful noise, and for some fifteen or twenty minutes stood hesitating: but never could I have dreamed, my good God, of such a noise, so passionate, so dominant, so divulgent, and, O Heaven, so long-lasting: for I seemed to have struck upon the weak spot of some planet, which came suddenly tumbling, with protracted bellowing and débâcle, about my ears. It was a good hour before I would climb in; but then quickly found what I wanted, and some big oil-cans; and till one or two in the morning, the innovating flicker of my lantern went peering at random into the gloomy nooks of the town.

Well, I quickly ran away from the deep silence of that place, and in Palace Street, I made one of those sudden, loud noises that seemed to offend the universe, leaving me feeling faint, worn out, and gasping for breath (the sound of the train was different, because I was flying there, but here I was trapped, and it felt like no matter which way I ran, I was still caught). As I passed by in Palace Street, I saw a small lamp shop, and wanting a lantern, I tried to get in, but the door was locked; so after walking a few steps and kicking a policeman's baton, I turned back to break the window. I knew it would make a terrifying sound, and for about fifteen or twenty minutes, I hesitated: but I could never have imagined, my good God, such a noise, so intense, so overwhelming, so revealing, and, oh Heaven, so enduring: it felt like I had hit the weak point of some planet, which suddenly collapsed around me with prolonged roaring and chaos. It took me a good hour before I climbed in; but then I quickly found what I was looking for, along with some big cans of oil; and until one or two in the morning, the flickering light of my lantern explored the dark corners of the town at random.

Under a deep old Gothic arch that spanned a pavered alley, I saw the little window of a little house of rubble, and between the two diamond-paned sashes rags tightly beaten in, the idea evidently being to make the place air-tight against the poison. When I went in I found the door of that room open, though it, too, apparently, had been stuffed at the edges; and on the threshold an old man and woman lay low. I conjectured that, thus protected, they had remained shut in, till either hunger, or the lack of oxygen in the used-up air, drove them forth, whereupon the poison, still active, must have instantly ended them. I found afterwards that this expedient of making air-tight had been widely resorted to; and it might well have proved successful, if both the supply of inclosed air, and of food, had been anywhere commensurate with the durability of the poisonous state.

Under a tall old Gothic arch that stretched across a paved alley, I noticed a small window of a little crumbling house, with rags tightly stuffed between the two diamond-paned sashes, clearly intended to seal the place against the poison. When I entered, I found the door to that room open, although it seemed to have been sealed at the edges too; and on the threshold lay an old man and woman. I guessed that, protected like that, they had stayed shut in until either hunger or the lack of oxygen in the stale air forced them out, where the poison, still active, must have quickly killed them. I later discovered that this method of sealing in air had been widely used; and it might have actually worked if both the supply of trapped air and food had matched the duration of the poisonous conditions.

Weary, weary as I grew, some morbid persistence sustained me, and I would not rest. About four in the morning I was at a station again, industriously bending, poor wretch, at the sooty task of getting another engine ready for travel. This time, when steam was up, I succeeded in uncoupling the carriages from the engine, and by the time morning broke, I was lightly gliding away over the country, whither I did not know, but making for London.

Weary, as tired as I was, some dark determination kept me going, and I wouldn’t stop. Around four in the morning, I found myself at a station again, diligently working, poor soul, at the filthy job of preparing another engine for a journey. This time, when the steam was up, I managed to uncouple the carriages from the engine, and by the time dawn came, I was smoothly gliding across the countryside, heading toward London, though I didn’t know exactly where I was going.


Now I went with more intelligence and caution, and got on very well, travelling seven days, never at night, except it was very clear, never at more than twenty or twenty-five miles, and crawling through tunnels. I do not know the maze into which the train took me, for very soon after leaving Canterbury it must have gone down some branch-line, and though the names were marked at stations, that hardly helped me, for of their situation relatively to London I was seldom sure. Moreover, again and again was my progress impeded by trains on the metals, when I would have to run back to a shunting-point or a siding, and, in two instances, these being far behind, changed from my own to the impeding engine. On the first day I travelled unhindered till noon, when I stopped in open country that seemed uninhabited for ages, only that half a mile to the left, on a shaded sward, was a large stone house of artistic design, coated with tinted harling, the roof of red Ruabon tiles, and timbered gables. I walked to it after another row with putting out the fire and arranging for a new one, the day being bright and mild, with great masses of white cloud in the sky. The house had an outer and an inner hall, three reception rooms, fine oil-paintings, a kind of museum, and a large kitchen. In a bed-room above-stairs I found three women with servants' caps, and a footman, arranged in a strange symmetrical way, head to head, like rays of a star. As I stood looking at them, I could have sworn, my good God, that I heard someone coming up the stairs. But it was some slight creaking of the breeze in the house, augmented a hundredfold to my inflamed and fevered hearing: for, used for years now to this silence of Eternity, it is as though I hear all sounds through an ear-trumpet. I went down, and after eating, and drinking some clary-water, made of brandy, sugar, cinnamon, and rose water, which I found in plenty, I lay down on a sofa in the inner hall, and slept a quiet sleep until near midnight.

Now I moved with more awareness and caution, and I managed well, traveling for seven days, never at night unless it was really clear, never going more than twenty or twenty-five miles, and creeping through tunnels. I don’t know the maze the train took me through; soon after leaving Canterbury, it must have taken a branch line, and although the station names were marked, that didn’t really help me since I was rarely sure of their location relative to London. Moreover, my progress was repeatedly slowed down by trains on the tracks, forcing me to retreat to a shunting point or siding, and in two cases, I had to switch from my own engine to the one that was blocking me. On the first day, I traveled without interruptions until noon, when I stopped in open countryside that seemed untouched for ages, except for a large stone house with an artistic design, partially hidden on a shaded lawn half a mile to the left, coated with tinted harling, a roof of red Ruabon tiles, and timbered gables. After dealing with another issue of putting out the fire and setting up a new one, I walked to the house, the day being bright and mild with big white clouds in the sky. The house had an outer and inner hall, three reception rooms, beautiful oil paintings, a sort of museum, and a large kitchen. In an upstairs bedroom, I found three women in servant's caps, along with a footman, arranged in a strange symmetrical pattern, head to head, like rays of a star. As I stood there looking at them, I could have sworn I heard someone coming up the stairs. But it was just the slight creaking of the breeze in the house, amplified a hundredfold to my sensitive and fevered hearing: after years of being used to this silence of Eternity, it was as if I heard all sounds through an ear-trumpet. I went downstairs, and after eating and drinking some clary-water made of brandy, sugar, cinnamon, and rose water that I found in abundance, I lay down on a sofa in the inner hall and fell into a deep sleep until nearly midnight.

I went out then, still possessed with the foolish greed to reach London, and after getting the engine to rights, went off under a clear black sky thronged with worlds and far-sown spawn, some of them, I thought, perhaps like this of mine, whelmed and drowned in oceans of silence, with one only inhabitant to see it, and hear its silence. And all the long night I travelled, stopping twice only, once to get the coal from an engine which had impeded me, and once to drink some water, which I took care, as always, should be running water. When I felt my head nod, and my eyes close about 5 A.M., I threw myself, just outside the arch of a tunnel upon a grassy bank, pretty thick with stalks and flowers, the workings of early dawn being then in the east: and there, till near eleven, slept.

I went out then, still driven by the foolish desire to reach London, and after fixing the engine, I set off under a clear black sky filled with stars and distant planets. Some of them, I thought, maybe like my own, swallowed up and drowned in seas of silence, with only one inhabitant to witness it and hear its quietness. I traveled all night, stopping just twice—once to get coal from an engine that had held me up, and once to drink some water, which I made sure was running water, as always. When I felt my head getting heavy and my eyes starting to close around 5 A.M., I threw myself down just outside the entrance of a tunnel onto a grassy bank, thick with stalks and flowers, as the first light of dawn began to break in the east: and there, I slept until nearly eleven.

On waking, I noticed that the country now seemed more like Surrey than Kent: there was that regular swell and sinking of the land; but, in fact, though it must have been either, it looked like neither, for already all had an aspect of return to a state of wild nature, and I could see that for a year at the least no hand had tended the soil. Near before me was a stretch of lucerne of such extraordinary growth, that I was led during that day and the succeeding one to examine the condition of vegetation with some minuteness, and nearly everywhere I detected a certain hypertrophie tendency in stamens, calycles, pericarps, and pistils, in every sort of bulbiferous growth that I looked at, in the rushes, above all, the fronds, mosses, lichens, and all cryptogamia, and in the trefoils, clover especially, and some creepers. Many crop-fields, it was clear, had been prepared, but not sown; some had not been reaped: and in both cases I was struck with their appearance of rankness, as I was also when in Norway, and was all the more surprised that this should be the case at a time when a poison, whose action is the arrest of oxidation, had traversed the earth; I could only conclude that its presence in large volumes in the lower strata of the atmosphere had been more or less temporary, and that the tendency to exuberance which I observed was due to some principle by which Nature acts with freer energy and larger scope in the absence of man.

On waking up, I noticed that the countryside now looked more like Surrey than Kent: there was that regular rise and fall of the land; but really, even though it had to be one or the other, it resembled neither, since everything was taking on a more wild appearance, and I could see that for at least a year, no one had taken care of the soil. Right in front of me was a stretch of lucerne that had grown extraordinarily, leading me to examine the condition of the plants in detail over that day and the next. Almost everywhere, I noticed a certain overgrowth in stamens, calyxes, pericarps, and pistils in every type of bulbous growth I looked at, especially in the rushes, the fronds, mosses, lichens, and all cryptogamic plants, as well as in the trefoils, particularly clover, and some vines. It was clear that many fields had been prepared but not planted; some hadn’t even been harvested. In both cases, I was struck by their lush appearance, just like I was in Norway, and I was even more surprised that this was happening at a time when a poison that halts oxidation had spread across the earth. I could only conclude that its presence in large amounts in the lower layers of the atmosphere had been more or less temporary, and that the tendency toward overgrowth I observed was due to some principle by which Nature operates with greater energy and more freedom in the absence of humans.

Two yards from the rails I saw, when I got up, a little rill beside a rotten piece of fence, barely oozing itself onward under masses of foul and stagnant fungoids: and here there was a sudden splash, and life: and I caught sight of the hind legs of a diving young frog. I went and lay on my belly, poring over the clear dulcet little water, and presently saw two tiny bleaks, or ablets, go gliding low among the swaying moss-hair of the bottom-rocks, and thought how gladly would I be one of them, with my home so thatched and shady, and my life drowned in their wide-eyed reverie. At any rate, these little creatures are alive, the batrachians also, and, as I found the next day, pupae and chrysales of one sort or another, for, to my deep emotion, I saw a little white butterfly staggering in the air over the flower-garden of a rustic station named Butley.

Two yards from the tracks, I noticed, when I got up, a small stream beside a rotting piece of fence, barely trickling onward under a mass of gross and stagnant fungi: then there was a sudden splash, and life appeared as I caught a glimpse of the hind legs of a diving young frog. I lay down on my stomach, peering into the clear, gentle little water, and soon saw two tiny bleaks, or ablets, gliding low among the swaying moss on the rocky bottom. I thought about how gladly I would be one of them, with my home so shaded and cozy, and my life immersed in their wide-eyed dreaminess. At least these little creatures are alive, along with the amphibians, and, as I discovered the next day, pupae and chrysalises of some sort, because, to my deep emotion, I saw a little white butterfly struggling in the air over the flower garden of a rustic station named Butley.


It was while I was lying there, poring upon that streamlet, that a thought came into my head: for I said to myself: 'If now I be here alone, alone, alone... alone, alone... one on the earth... and my girth have a spread of 25,000 miles... what will happen to my mind? Into what kind of creature shall I writhe and change? I may live two years so! What will have happened then? I may live five years—ten! What will have happened after the five? the ten? I may live twenty, thirty, forty...'

It was while I was lying there, staring at that little stream, that a thought popped into my head: I said to myself, 'If I’m here all by myself, all alone... alone, alone... one person on this planet... and my circumference is 25,000 miles... what’s going to happen to my mind? What kind of creature will I twist into? I could live for two years like this! What will happen by then? I could live for five years—ten! What will change after five? After ten? I could live for twenty, thirty, forty...'

Already, already, there are things that peep and sprout within me...!

Already, already, there are things that peek and grow within me...!


I wanted food and fresh running water, and walked from the engine half a mile through fields of lucerne whose luxuriance quite hid the foot-paths, and reached my shoulder. After turning the brow of a hill, I came to a park, passing through which I saw some dead deer and three persons, and emerged upon a terraced lawn, at the end of which stood an Early English house of pale brick with copings, plinths, stringcourses of limestone, and spandrels of carved marble; and some distance from the porch a long table, or series of tables, in the open air, still spread with cloths that were like shrouds after a month of burial; and the table had old foods on it, and some lamps; and all around it, and all on the lawn, were dead peasants. I seemed to know the house, probably from some print which I may have seen, but I could not make out the escutcheon, though I saw from its simplicity that it must be very ancient. Right across the façade spread still some of the letters in evergreens of the motto: 'Many happy returns of the day,' so that someone must have come of age, or something, for inside all was gala, and it was clear that these people had defied a fate which they, of course, foreknew. I went nearly throughout the whole spacious place of thick-carpeted halls, marbles, and famous oils, antlers and arras, and gilt saloons, and placid large bed-chambers: and it took me an hour. There were here not less than a hundred and eighty people. In the first of a vista of three large reception-rooms lay what could only have been a number of quadrille parties, for to the coup d'oeil they presented a two-and-two appearance, made very repulsive by their jewels and evening-dress. I had to steel my heart to go through this house, for I did not know if these people were looking at me as soon as my back was turned. Once I was on the very point of flying, for I was going up the great central stairway, and there came a pelt of dead leaves against a window-pane in a corridor just above on the first floor, which thrilled me to the inmost soul. But I thought that if I once fled, they would all be at me from behind, and I should be gibbering mad long, long before I reached the outer hall, and so stood my ground, even defiantly advancing. In a small dark bedroom in the north wing on the second floor—that is to say, at the top of the house—I saw a tall young lady and a groom, or wood-man, to judge by his clothes, horribly riveted in an embrace on a settee, she with a light coronet on her head in low-necked dress, and their lipless teeth still fiercely pressed together. I collected in a bag a few delicacies from the under-regions of this house, Lyons sausages, salami, mortadel, apples, roes, raisins, artichokes, biscuits, a few wines, a ham, bottled fruit, pickles, coffee, and so on, with a gold plate, tin-opener, cork-screw, fork, &c., and dragged them all the long way back to the engine before I could eat.

I wanted food and fresh running water, so I walked half a mile from the engine through fields of alfalfa that were so lush they completely covered the paths and reached up to my shoulder. After I crested a hill, I arrived at a park. As I passed through it, I saw some dead deer and three people, then I emerged onto a terraced lawn where there stood an Early English house made of pale brick with stone details. Some distance from the porch was a long table, or a series of tables, outside, still covered with cloths that looked like shrouds after a month of being buried. The table had old food and some lamps on it, and all around it, as well as on the lawn, were dead peasants. I felt like I knew the house, probably from some print I had seen, but I couldn't make out the coat of arms, though I could tell from its simplicity that it was very old. Across the front of the house, some letters formed in evergreen spelled out the motto: 'Many happy returns of the day,' indicating that someone must have come of age or something similar, because inside everything was festive, and it was obvious that these people had defied a fate they must have known about. I wandered through the entire spacious place filled with thick carpets, marble, famous paintings, antlers, tapestries, and gilded parlors, and tranquil large bedrooms; it took me an hour. There were at least one hundred eighty people here. In the first of three large reception rooms were what could only have been a series of quadrille gatherings, as they appeared in pairs, made quite unpleasant by their jewels and evening attire. I had to brace myself to go through this house because I couldn't tell if these people were watching me as soon as my back was turned. At one point, I almost ran away, as I was climbing the grand central staircase, when a gust of dead leaves hit the window in a hallway just above on the first floor, sending a chill through me. But I figured if I ran, they'd all chase me from behind, and I would lose my mind long before I reached the front hall, so I stood my ground and even moved forward defiantly. In a small, dark bedroom in the north wing on the second floor—I mean, at the top of the house—I saw a tall young woman and a groom, or maybe a woodsman judging by his clothes, stuck in a terrible embrace on a settee. She wore a light crown on her head and a low-cut dress, and their lipless mouths were still pressed together fiercely. I gathered a few treats from the lower parts of this house into a bag: Lyon sausages, salami, mortadella, apples, roe, raisins, artichokes, biscuits, a few bottles of wine, a ham, bottled fruit, pickles, coffee, and more, along with a gold plate, can opener, corkscrew, fork, etc., and pulled them all the long way back to the engine before I could eat.


My brain was in such a way, that it was several days before the perfectly obvious means of finding my way to London, since I wished to go there, at all occurred to me; and the engine went wandering the intricate railway-system of the south country, I having twice to water her with a coal-bucket from a pool, for the injector was giving no water from the tank under the coals, and I did not know where to find any near tank-sheds. On the fifth evening, instead of into London, I ran into Guildford.

My mind was so clouded that it took me several days to realize the obvious way to get to London, since I actually wanted to go there at all. The train was navigating the complicated railway system of the south, and I had to refill its water tank twice with a coal bucket from a pool, because the injector wasn’t drawing any water from the tank under the coal, and I had no idea where to find any water near the tank sheds. On the fifth evening, instead of arriving in London, I ended up in Guildford.


That night, from eleven till the next day, there was a great storm over England: let me note it down. And ten days later, on the 17th of the month came another; and on the 23rd another; and I should be put to it to count the great number since. And they do not resemble English storms, but rather Arctic ones, in a certain very suggestive something of personalness, and a carousing malice, and a Tartarus gloom, which I cannot quite describe. That night at Guildford, after wandering about, and becoming very weary, I threw myself upon a cushioned pew in an old Norman church with two east apses, called St. Mary's, using a Bible-cushion for pillow, and placing some distance away a little tin lamp turned low, whose ray served me for veilleuse through the night. Happily I had taken care to close up everything, or, I feel sure, the roof must have gone. Only one dead, an old lady in a chapel on the north side of the chancel, whom I rather mistrusted, was there with me: and there I lay listening: for, after all, I could not sleep a wink, while outside vogued the immense tempest. And I communed with myself, thinking: 'I, poor man, lost in this conflux of infinitudes and vortex of the world, what can become of me, my God? For dark, ah dark, is the waste void into which from solid ground I am now plunged a million fathoms deep, the sport of all the whirlwinds: and it were better for me to have died with the dead, and never to have seen the wrath and turbulence of the Ineffable, nor to have heard the thrilling bleakness of the winds of Eternity, when they pine, and long, and whimper, and when they vociferate and blaspheme, and when they expostulate and intrigue and implore, and when they despair and die, which ear of man should never hear. For they mean to eat me up, I know, these Titanic darknesses: and soon like a whiff I shall pass away, and leave the world to them.' So till next morning I lay mumping, with shivers and cowerings: for the shocks of the storm pervaded the locked church to my very heart; and there were thunders that night, my God, like callings and laughs and banterings, exchanged between distant hill-tops in Hell.

That night, from eleven until the next day, there was a massive storm over England: I need to make a note of it. Then, ten days later, on the 17th of the month, another storm hit; on the 23rd, yet another; and I’d struggle to count all the storms since then. They don’t feel like typical English storms, but rather like Arctic ones, with a certain disturbing quality of personal involvement, a wild malice, and a gloom reminiscent of Tartarus that I can’t quite explain. That night in Guildford, after wandering around and becoming very tired, I collapsed onto a cushioned pew in an old Norman church with two east apses, called St. Mary’s, using a Bible cushion as a pillow and placing a small tin lamp turned low some distance away, its light serving as my nightlight. Luckily, I made sure to close everything up, or I’m sure the roof would have blown off. The only other occupant was a dead woman, an old lady in a chapel on the north side of the chancel, whom I was a bit wary of; and there I lay, listening: because, in the end, I couldn’t sleep at all, while outside roared the immense tempest. I reflected inwardly, thinking: 'I, a poor man, lost in this mix of infinities and the whirlpool of the world, what will happen to me, my God? Because it’s dark, oh so dark, the empty void into which I’ve now been plunged a million fathoms deep, tossed around by all the whirlwinds: it would have been better for me to have died with the dead and never to have witnessed the fury and chaos of the Ineffable, nor to have heard the chilling emptiness of the winds of Eternity, when they moan, and long, and whimper, and when they shout and blaspheme, and when they argue and beg, and when they despair and fade away, which no human ear should ever hear. For I know these colossal darknesses want to consume me: and soon, like a breath, I will pass away and leave the world to them.' So, until the next morning, I lay there shivering and quaking: for the shocks of the storm penetrated the locked church to my very core; and there were thunders that night, my God, like calls and laughter and teasing, exchanged between distant hilltops in Hell.


Well, the next morning I went down the steep High Street, and found a young nun at the bottom whom I had left the previous evening with a number of girls in uniform opposite the Guildhall—half-way up the street. She must have been spun down, arm over arm, for the wind was westerly, and whereas I had left her completely dressed to her wimple and beads, she was now nearly stripped, and her little flock scattered. And branches of trees, and wrecked houses, and reeling clouds of dead leaves were everywhere that wild morning.

Well, the next morning I walked down the steep High Street and found a young nun at the bottom whom I had seen the night before with a group of girls in uniform near the Guildhall—halfway up the street. She must have been blown down, arm over arm, because the wind was coming from the west, and while I had left her fully dressed in her wimple and beads, she was now almost undressed, and her little group was scattered. There were branches from trees, wrecked houses, and swirling clouds of dead leaves everywhere that wild morning.

This town of Guildford appeared to be the junction of an extraordinary number of railway-lines, and before again setting out in the afternoon, when the wind had lulled, having got an A B C guide, and a railway-map, I decided upon my line, and upon a new engine, feeling pretty sure now of making London, only thirty miles away. I then set out, and about five o'clock was at Surbiton, near my aim; I kept on, expecting every few minutes to see the great city, till darkness fell, and still, at considerable risk, I went, as I thought, forward: but no London was there. I had, in fact, been on a loop-line, and at Surbiton gone wrong again; for the next evening I found myself at Wokingham, farther away than ever.

This town of Guildford seemed to be the hub of an incredible number of railway lines, and before heading out again in the afternoon, when the wind had calmed down, I got an A B C guide and a railway map. I picked my route and decided on a new train, feeling pretty confident that I would reach London, just thirty miles away. I set off and by around five o'clock I was in Surbiton, close to my goal; I continued, expecting to see the great city at any moment, but as darkness fell, I pressed on, thinking I was making progress: yet still, I didn’t see London. I had actually ended up on a loop line and made a wrong turn at Surbiton; the next evening, I found myself in Wokingham, even farther away than before.

I slept on a rug in the passage of an inn called The Rose, for there was a wild, Russian-looking man, with projecting top-teeth, on a bed in the house, whose appearance I did not like, and it was late, and I too tired to walk further; and the next morning pretty early I set out again, and at 10 A.M. was at Reading.

I slept on a rug in the hallway of an inn called The Rose because there was a wild-looking Russian guy with prominent front teeth on a bed in the place, and I didn’t like the way he looked. It was late, and I was too tired to walk any further. The next morning, I got up pretty early and set out again, and by 10 A.M. I was in Reading.

The notion of navigating the land by precisely the same means as the sea, simple and natural as it was, had not at all occurred to me: but at the first accidental sight of a compass in a little shop-window near the river at Reading, my difficulties as to getting to any desired place in the world vanished once and for all: for a good chart or map, the compass, a pair of compasses, and, in the case of longer distances, a quadrant, sextant or theodolite, with a piece of paper and pencil, were all that were necessary to turn an engine into a land-ship, one choosing the lines that ran nearest the direction of one's course, whenever they did not run precisely.

The idea of navigating on land using the same methods as at sea, as simple and natural as it was, had never crossed my mind. But the moment I accidentally saw a compass in a little shop window by the river in Reading, all my worries about reaching any place in the world disappeared. A good map or chart, a compass, a pair of compasses, and for longer distances, a quadrant, sextant, or theodolite, along with a piece of paper and a pencil, were all I needed to turn a vehicle into a land-ship, following the routes that were closest to my intended direction, whenever they didn’t go exactly where I needed to go.

Thus provided, I ran out from Reading about seven in the evening, while there was still some light, having spent there some nine hours. This was the town where I first observed that shocking crush of humanity, which I afterwards met in every large town west of London. Here, I should say, the English were quite equal in number to the foreigners: and there were enough of both, God knows: for London must have poured many here. There were houses, in every room of which, and on the stairs, the dead actually overlay each other, and in the streets before them were points where only on flesh, or under carriages, was it possible to walk. I went into the great County Gaol, from which, as I had read, the prisoners had been released two weeks before-hand, and there I found the same pressed condition, cells occupied by ten or twelve, the galleries continuously rough-paved with faces, heads, and old-clothes-shops of robes; and in the parade-ground, against one wall, a mass of human stuff, like tough grey clay mixed with rags and trickling black gore, where a crush as of hydraulic power must have acted. At a corner between a gate and a wall near the biscuit-factory of this town I saw a boy, whom I believe to have been blind, standing jammed, at his wrist a chain-ring, and, at the end of the chain, a dog; from his hap-hazard posture I conjectured that he, and chain, and dog had been lifted from the street, and placed so, by the storm of the 7th of the month; and what made it very curious was that his right arm pointed a little outward just over the dog, so that, at the moment when I first sighted him, he seemed a drunken fellow setting his dog at me. In fact, all the dead I found much mauled and stripped and huddled: and the earth seemed to be making an abortive effort to sweep her streets.

Thus equipped, I rushed out from Reading around seven in the evening while there was still some daylight, having spent about nine hours there. This was the town where I first witnessed that shocking crowd of people, which I later encountered in every major town west of London. Here, I would say, the English were about equal in number to the foreigners, and there were plenty of both, that's for sure: London must have sent many people here. There were houses where, in every room and on the stairs, the dead were piled on top of each other, and in the streets outside, there were spots where it was only possible to walk on flesh or under carriages. I went into the main County Jail, from which I had read the prisoners were released two weeks prior, and there I found the same overwhelming condition—cells filled with ten or twelve people, galleries completely covered with faces, heads, and old clothes; and in the parade ground, against one wall, a mass of human remains, like tough gray clay mixed with rags and dripping black blood, where some kind of tremendous force must have acted. At a corner between a gate and a wall near the biscuit factory in this town, I saw a boy, who I believe to have been blind, jammed in place, with a chain ring around his wrist, and a dog at the end of the chain; from his awkward position, I guessed that he, the chain, and the dog had been picked up from the street and placed there by the storm on the 7th of the month; and what made it particularly strange was that his right arm pointed slightly outward just above the dog, so that, at the moment when I first spotted him, he looked like a drunken guy directing his dog at me. In fact, all the dead I found were much battered, stripped, and clustered together: and the earth seemed to be making a futile attempt to sweep its streets.

Well, some little distance from Reading I saw a big flower-seed farm, looking dead in some plots, and in others quite rank: and here again, fluttering quite near the engine, two little winged aurelians in the quiet evening air. I went on, passing a great number of crowded trains on the down-line, two of them in collision, and very broken up, and one exploded engine; even the fields and cuttings on either hand of the line had a rather populous look, as if people, when trains and vehicles failed, had set to trudging westward in caravans and streams. When I came to a long tunnel near Slough, I saw round the foot of the arch an extraordinary quantity of wooden débris, and as I went very slowly through, was alarmed by the continuous bumping of the train, which, I knew, was passing over bodies; at the other end were more débris; and I easily guessed that a company of desperate people had made the tunnel air-tight at the two arches, and provisioned themselves, with the hope to live there till the day of destiny was passed; whereupon their barricades must have been crashed through by some up-train and themselves crushed, or else, other crowds, mad to share their cave of refuge, had stormed the boardings. This latter, as I afterwards found, was a very usual event.

Well, a bit outside Reading, I saw a large flower-seed farm. Some plots looked dead while others were really overgrown. And right nearby, fluttering close to the train, were two little winged butterflies in the calm evening air. I kept going, passing a ton of crowded trains on the down-line, two of which had collided and were severely damaged, along with one exploded engine. Even the fields and cuttings on both sides of the tracks looked pretty crowded, as if when trains and vehicles stopped working, people had started walking westward in caravans and groups. When I reached a long tunnel near Slough, I noticed a huge amount of wooden débris around the base of the arch. As I slowly passed through, I was alarmed by the continuous thumping of the train, which I knew was running over bodies. At the other end, there was more débris; it was easy to guess that a group of desperate people had sealed the tunnel airtight at both ends and stocked up on supplies, hoping to survive there until the fateful day was over. Their barricades must have been broken down by an oncoming train, crushing them, or else, other crowds, desperate to share their hideout, had stormed the barriers. This latter, as I later learned, was a very common occurrence.

I should very soon have got to London now, but, as my bad luck would have it, I met a long up-train on the metals, with not one creature in any part of it. There was nothing to do but to tranship, with all my things, to its engine, which I found in good condition with plenty of coal and water, and to set it going, a hateful labour: I being already jet-black from hair to toes. However, by half-past ten I found myself stopped by another train only a quarter of a mile from Paddington, and walked the rest of the way among trains in which the standing dead still stood, propped by their neighbours, and over metals where bodies were as ordinary and cheap as waves on the sea, or twigs in a forest. I believe that wild crowds had given chase on foot to moving trains, or fore-run them in the frenzied hope of inducing them to stop.

I should have reached London by now, but, as luck would have it, I came across a long freight train on the tracks, with no one on it at all. There was nothing to do but transfer all my things to its engine, which I found in good shape with plenty of coal and water, and get it going, a miserable task: I was already covered in dirt from head to toe. However, by 10:30, I was stopped by another train just a quarter of a mile from Paddington, and I walked the rest of the way among trains where the still bodies were propped up by each other and on tracks where corpses were as common and disposable as waves at sea or twigs in a forest. I believe that wild crowds had chased moving trains on foot or raced ahead of them in a desperate hope of making them stop.

I came to the great shed of glass and girders which is the station, the night being perfectly soundless, moonless, starless, and the hour about eleven.

I arrived at the massive glass and steel station, the night completely quiet, without a moon or stars, and it was around eleven o'clock.

I found later that all the electric generating-stations, or all that I visited, were intact; that is to say, must have been shut down before the arrival of the doom; also that the gas-works had almost certainly been abandoned some time previously: so that this city of dreadful night, in which, at the moment when Silence choked it, not less than forty to sixty millions swarmed and droned, must have more resembled Tartarus and the foul shades of Hell than aught to which my fancy can liken it.

I later discovered that all the power plants I visited were still standing; they must have been shut down before the disaster hit. It seemed that the gas works had likely been abandoned a while ago as well. So this city of terrible darkness, where at the moment Silence took over, between forty and sixty million people were buzzing around, must have resembled Tartarus and the dark shadows of Hell more than anything my imagination can compare it to.

For, coming nearer the platforms, I saw that trains, in order to move at all, must have moved through a slough of bodies pushed from behind, and forming a packed homogeneous mass on the metals: and I knew that they had moved. Nor could I now move, unless I decided to wade: for flesh was everywhere, on the roofs of trains, cramming the interval between them, on the platforms, splashing the pillars like spray, piled on trucks and lorries, a carnal quagmire; and outside, it filled the space between a great host of vehicles, carpeting all that region of London. And all here that odour of blossoms, which nowhere yet, save on one vile ship, had failed, was now wholly overcome by another: and the thought was in my head, my God, that if the soul of man had sent up to Heaven the odour which his body gave to me, then it was not so strange that things were as they were.

As I got closer to the platforms, I realized that trains could only move if they pushed through a mass of bodies packed tightly together on the tracks: and I knew they had moved. I couldn't move now either, unless I chose to wade through, because there was flesh everywhere—on top of trains, filling the gaps between them, on the platforms, splattering the pillars like spray, piled up on trucks and lorries, a messy tangle of bodies; and outside, it filled the spaces between a huge number of vehicles, covering all that part of London. And all around me, the sweet smell of blossoms, which had only been absent in one terrible place, was completely overpowered by something else: and I thought to myself, my God, if the essence of a person sent a fragrance to Heaven like the one their body gave off to me, then it wasn’t so surprising that the situation was what it was.

I got out from the station, with ears, God knows, that still awaited the accustomed noising of this accursed town, habituated as I now was to all the dumb and absent void of Soundlessness; and I was overwhelmed in a new awe, and lost in a wilder woesomeness, when, instead of lights and business, I saw the long street which I knew brood darker than Babylons long desolate, and in place of its ancient noising, heard, my God, a shocking silence, rising higher than I had ever heard it, and blending with the silence of the inane, eternal stars in heaven.

I stepped out of the station, my ears still waiting for the usual noise of this cursed town, since I had grown used to the silent void around me. I was struck by a new sense of awe and a deeper sorrow when, instead of lights and activity, I saw the long street looking darker than the long-abandoned ruins of Babylon. Instead of its familiar sounds, I was met with an overwhelming silence that was louder than I had ever experienced, merging with the silence of the endless, empty stars above.


I could not get into any vehicle for some time, for all thereabouts was practically a mere block; but near the Park, which I attained by stooping among wheels, and selecting my foul steps, I overhauled a Daimler car, found in it two cylinders of petrol, lit the ignition-lamp, removed with averted abhorrence three bodies, mounted, and broke that populous stillness. And through streets nowhere empty of bodies I went urging eastward my jolting, and spattered, and humming way.

I couldn’t get into any vehicle for a while, as everything around was basically a mess; but near the Park, which I reached by ducking between wheels and choosing my dirty path, I found a Daimler car. Inside, there were two gas cylinders, so I lit the ignition lamp, reluctantly moved three bodies out of the way, got in, and broke that heavy silence. I drove through streets that weren’t empty of bodies, pushing eastward on my bumpy, messy, and noisy journey.

That I should have persisted, with so much pains, to come to this unbounded catacomb, seems now singular to me: for by that time I could not have been sufficiently daft to expect to find another being like myself on the earth, though I cherished, I remember, the irrational hope of yet somewhere finding dog, or cat, or horse, to be with me, and would anon think bitterly of Reinhardt, my Arctic dog, which my own hand had shot. But, in reality, a morbid curiosity must have been within me all the time to read the real truth of what had happened, so far as it was known, or guessed, and to gloat upon all that drama, and cup of trembling, and pouring out of the vials of the wrath of God, which must have preceded the actual advent of the end of Time. This inquisitiveness had, at every town which I reached, made the search for newspapers uppermost in my mind; but, by bad luck, I had found only four, all of them ante-dated to the one which I had read at Dover, though their dates gave me some idea of the period when printing must have ceased, viz. soon after the 17th July—about three months subsequent to my arrival at the Pole—for none I found later than this date; and these contained nothing scientific, but only orisons and despairings. On arriving, therefore, at London, I made straight for the office of the Times, only stopping at a chemist's in Oxford Street for a bottle of antiseptic to hold near my nose, though, having once left the neighbourhood of Paddington, I had hardly much need of this.

That I should have worked so hard to reach this vast underground tomb seems strange to me now. At that point, I couldn't have been crazy enough to expect to find anyone like myself on the planet, even though I distinctly remember holding on to the irrational hope of finding a dog, cat, or horse to keep me company. I would often bitterly think of Reinhardt, my Arctic dog, whom I had shot myself. In reality, I must have had a morbid curiosity all along to discover the real truth of what happened, as far as it was known or speculated, and to dwell on all that drama, the cup of trembling, and the outpouring of God's wrath that must have led up to the actual end of Time. This curiosity drove me, at every town I reached, to prioritize the search for newspapers in my mind. Unfortunately, I only found four, all dated before the one I had read in Dover, though their dates gave me an idea of when printing must have stopped—shortly after July 17th, about three months after my arrival at the Pole—as I didn't find anything dated later than that. These papers contained no scientific information, only prayers and expressions of despair. So, when I finally arrived in London, I headed straight for the office of the Times, stopping briefly at a chemist's on Oxford Street for a bottle of antiseptic to hold to my nose, even though I hardly needed it after leaving the Paddington area.

I made my way to the square where the paper was printed, to find that, even there, the ground was closely strewn with calpac and pugaree, black abayeh and fringed praying-shawl, hob-nail and sandal, figured lungi and striped silk, all very muddled and mauled. Through the dark square to the twice-dark building I passed, and found open the door of an advertisement-office; but on striking a match, saw that it had been lighted by electricity, and had therefore to retrace my stumbling steps, till I came to a shop of lamps in a near alley, walking meantime with timid cares that I might hurt no one—for in this enclosed neighbourhood I began to feel strange tremors, and kept striking matches, which, so still was the black air, hardly flickered.

I made my way to the square where the paper was printed and found that the ground was covered with calpac and pugaree, black abayeh and fringed prayer shawls, hob-nailed shoes and sandals, patterned lungi and striped silk, all mixed up and worn out. I walked through the dark square to the even darker building and found the door of an advertisement office open; however, when I struck a match, I saw it had been lit by electricity, so I had to backtrack my shaky steps until I reached a lamp shop in a nearby alley. As I walked, I felt nervous about not wanting to hurt anyone, because in this enclosed area I started to feel uneasy and kept striking matches, which, in the still black air, hardly flickered.

When I returned to the building with a little lighted lamp, I at once saw a file on a table, and since there were a number of dead there, and I wished to be alone, I took the heavy mass of paper between my left arm and side, and the lamp in my right hand; passed then behind a counter; and then, to the right, up a stair which led me into a very great building and complexity of wooden steps and corridors, where I went peering, the lamp visibly trembling in my hand, for here also were the dead. Finally, I entered a good-sized carpeted room with a baize-covered table in the middle, and large smooth chairs, and on the table many manuscripts impregnated with purple dust, and around were books in shelves. This room had been locked upon a single man, a tall man in a frock-coat, with a pointed grey beard, who at the last moment had decided to fly from it, for he lay at the threshold, apparently fallen dead the moment he opened the door. Him, by drawing his feet aside, I removed, locked the door upon myself, sat at the table before the dusty file, and, with the little lamp near, began to search.

When I returned to the building with a small lamp, I immediately noticed a stack of papers on a table. Since there were several dead people around, and I wanted to be alone, I tucked the heavy bundle of papers under my left arm and held the lamp in my right hand. I went behind a counter and then took a right up a staircase that led me into a large, complicated space filled with wooden steps and hallways, where I looked around, the lamp visibly shaking in my hand, because there were also dead here. Finally, I entered a decent-sized carpeted room with a baize-covered table in the center and large, smooth chairs. On the table were many manuscripts covered in purple dust, and there were books on the shelves around the room. This room had been locked on a single man, a tall guy in a frock coat with a pointed grey beard, who had ultimately decided to escape, as he was lying at the threshold, apparently dead the moment he opened the door. I moved his feet aside, locked the door behind me, sat at the table in front of the dusty stack of papers, and, with the little lamp close by, started to search.

I searched and read till far into the morning. But God knows, He alone....

I searched and read well into the morning. But God knows, He alone...

I had not properly filled the little reservoir with oil, and at about three in the fore-day, it began to burn sullenly lower, letting sparks, and turning the glass grey: and in my deepest chilly heart was the question: 'Suppose the lamp goes out before the daylight....'

I hadn’t filled the little oil reservoir properly, and around three in the morning, it started to burn low and dim, releasing sparks and turning the glass gray. In my cold, anxious heart, I wondered, “What if the lamp goes out before dawn...?”

I knew the Pole, and cold, I knew them well: but to be frozen by panic, my God! I read, I say, I searched, I would not stop: but I read that night racked by terrors such as have never yet entered into the heart of man to conceive. My flesh moved and crawled like a lake which, here and there, the breeze ruffles. Sometimes for two, three, four minutes, the profound interest of what I read would fix my mind, and then I would peruse an entire column, or two, without consciousness of the meaning of one single word, my brain all drawn away to the innumerable host of the wan dead that camped about me, pierced with horror lest they should start, and stand, and accuse me: for the grave and the worm was the world; and in the air a sickening stirring of cerements and shrouds; and the taste of the pale and insubstantial grey of ghosts seemed to infect my throat, and faint odours of the loathsome tomb my nostrils, and the toll of deep-toned passing-bells my ears; finally the lamp smouldered very low, and my charnel fancy teemed with the screwing-down of coffins, lych-gates and sextons, and the grating of ropes that lower down the dead, and the first sound of the earth upon the lid of that strait and gloomy home of the mortal; that lethal look of cold dead fingers I seemed to see before me, the insipidness of dead tongues, the pout of the drowned, and the vapid froths that ridge their lips, till my flesh was moist as with the stale washing-waters of morgues and mortuaries, and with such sweats as corpses sweat, and the mawkish tear that lies on dead men's cheeks; for what is one poor insignificant man in his flesh against a whole world of the disembodied, he alone with them, and nowhere, nowhere another of his kind, to whom to appeal against them? I read, and I searched: but God, God knows ... If a leaf of the paper, which I slowly, warily, stealingly turned, made but one faintest rustle, how did that reveille boom in echoes through the vacant and haunted chambers of my poor aching heart, my God! and there was a cough in my throat which for a cruelly long time I would not cough, till it burst in horrid clamour from my lips, sending crinkles of cold through my inmost blood. For with the words which I read were all mixed up visions of crawling hearses, wails, and lugubrious crapes, and piercing shrieks of madness in strange earthy vaults, and all the mournfulness of the black Vale of Death, and the tragedy of corruption. Twice during the ghostly hours of that night the absolute and undeniable certainty that some presence—some most gashly silent being—stood at my right elbow, so thrilled me, that I leapt to my feet to confront it with clenched fists, and hairs that bristled stiff in horror and frenzy. After that second time I must have fainted; for when it was broad day, I found my dropped head over the file of papers, supported on my arms. And I resolved then never again after sunset to remain in any house: for that night was enough to kill a horse, my good God; and that this is a haunted planet I know.

I knew the cold well, but to be frozen by panic, my God! I read, I say, I searched; I wouldn’t stop: but that night I read, tormented by fears beyond anything a person could imagine. My skin felt like a lake, rippling in the breeze. Sometimes, for two, three, or four minutes, I would be so engrossed in what I read that I’d go through a whole column or two without understanding a single word, my mind lost in the countless host of the pale dead surrounding me, terrified they might rise, stand before me, and accuse me: for the grave and decay was the world; and in the air was a sickening mix of wrappings and shrouds; the taste of ghostly grey seemed to choke me, along with faint odors of the disgusting tomb in my nose, and the sound of deep, tolling bells in my ears; finally, the lamp dimmed very low, and my morbid imagination was filled with thoughts of coffins being closed, graveyards and gravediggers, the sound of ropes lowering the dead, and the first clods of earth hitting the lid of that dark, dreary home for the deceased; I could almost see the lifeless cold fingers before me, the blandness of dead tongues, the pouting of the drowned, and the lifeless foam on their lips, until my skin felt damp, like the stale water of morgues and funeral homes, and with the sickly tears that settle on dead men's cheeks; for what is one insignificant man in his flesh against a whole world of spirits, all alone with them, nowhere, nowhere another of his kind, to appeal to? I read, and I searched: but God, God knows... If a leaf of the paper I turned slowly, carefully, quietly made even the slightest rustle, how did that sound echo in the empty and haunted chambers of my aching heart, my God! There was a cough in my throat that I held back for what felt like an eternity, until it burst out in a horrible noise, sending chills through my veins. For the words I read were mixed with visions of creeping hearses, cries, gloomy funeral cloths, and piercing screams of madness in strange earthly vaults, and all the sorrow of the dark Valley of Death, and the tragedy of decay. Twice during that haunting night, I felt an undeniable certainty that some presence—some dreadfully silent being—stood at my right side, so intensely that I jumped to my feet to face it with clenched fists and hair standing on end in horror and frenzy. After the second time, I must have fainted; because when daylight broke, I found my head hanging over the stack of papers, propped up on my arms. And I decided then never to stay in any house after sunset again: for that night was enough to kill a horse, my good God; and I know this is a haunted planet.


What I read in the Times was not very definite, for how could it be? but in the main it confirmed inferences which I had myself drawn, and fairly satisfied my mind.

What I read in the Times wasn't very clear, but how could it be? Still, overall it supported the conclusions I had reached myself and gave me a decent sense of reassurance.

There had been a battle royal in the paper between my old collaborator Professor Stanistreet and Dr. Martin Rogers, and never could I have conceived such an indecorous piece of business, men like them calling one another 'tyro,' 'dreamer,' and in one place 'block-head.' Stanistreet denied that the perfumed odour of almonds attributed to the advancing cloud could be due to anything but the excited fancy of the reporting fugitives, because, said he, it was unknown that either Cn, HCn, or K4FeCn6 had been given out by volcanoes, and the destructiveness to life of the travelling cloud could only be owing to CO and CO2. To this Rogers, in an article characterised by extraordinary heat, replied that he could not understand how even a 'tyro'(!) in chemical and geological phenomena would venture to rush into print with the statement that HCn had not commonly been given out by volcanoes: that it had been, he said, was perfectly certain; though whether it had been or not could not affect the decision of a reasoning mind as to whether it was being: for that cyanogen, as a matter of fact, was not rare in nature, though not directly occurring, being one of the products of the common distillation of pit-coal, and found in roots, peaches, almonds, and many tropical flora; also that it had been actually pointed out as probable by more than one thinker that some salt or salts of Cn, the potassic, or the potassic ferrocyanide, or both, must exist in considerable stores in the earth at volcanic depths. In reply to this, Stanistreet in a two-column article used the word 'dreamer,' and Rogers, when Berlin had been already silenced, finally replied with his amazing 'block-head.' But, in my opinion, by far the most learned and lucid of the scientific dicta was from the rather unexpected source of Sloggett, of the Dublin Science and Art Department: he, without fuss, accepted the statements of the fugitive eye-witnesses, down to the assertion that the cloud, as it rolled travelling, seemed mixed from its base to the clouds with languid tongues of purple flame, rose-coloured at their edges. This, Sloggett explained, was the characteristic flame of both cyanogen and hydrocyanic acid vapour, which, being inflammable, may have become locally ignited in the passage over cities, and only burned in that limited and languid way on account of the ponderous volumes of carbonic anhydride with which they must, of course, be mixed: the dark empurpled colour was due to the presence of large quantities of the scoriae of the trappean rocks: basalts, green-stone, trachytes, and the various porphyries. This article was most remarkable for its clear divination, because written so early—not long, in fact, after the cessation of telegraphic communication with Australia and China; and at a date so early Sloggett stated that the character of the devastation not only proved an eruption—another, but far greater Krakatoa—probably in some South Sea region, but indicated that its most active product must be, not CO, but potassic ferrocyanide (K4FeCn6), which, undergoing distillation with the products of sulphur in the heat of eruption, produced hydrocyanic acid (HCn); and this volatile acid, he said, remaining in a vaporous state in all climates above a temperature of 26.5° C., might involve the entire earth, if the eruption proved sufficiently powerful, travelling chiefly in a direction contrary to the earth's west-to-east motion, the only regions which would certainly be exempt being the colder regions of the Arctic circles, where the vapour of the acid would assume the liquid state, and fall as rain. He did not anticipate that vegetation would be permanently affected, unless the eruption were of inconceivable duration and activity, for though the poisonous quality of hydrocyanic acid consisted in its sudden and complete arrest of oxidation, vegetation had two sources of life—the soil as well as the air; with this exception, all life, down to the lowest evolutionary forms, would disappear (here was the one point in which he was somewhat at fault), until the earth reproduced them. For the rest, he fixed the rate of the on-coming cloud at from 100 to 105 miles a day; and the date of eruption, either the 14th, 15th, or 16th of April—which was either one, two, or three days after the arrival of the Boreal party at the Pole; and he concluded by saying that, if the facts were as he had stated them, then he could suggest no hiding-place for the race of man, unless such places as mines and tunnels could be made air-tight; nor could even they be of use to any considerable number, except in the event of the poisonous state of the air being of very short duration.

There had been a huge battle in the newspaper between my former collaborator Professor Stanistreet and Dr. Martin Rogers, and I could never have imagined such an indecorous situation, with men like them calling each other 'beginner,' 'dreamer,' and even 'blockhead' in one instance. Stanistreet argued that the sweet smell of almonds attributed to the approaching cloud could only be a product of the over-excited imaginations of the reporting witnesses, because, he said, it was unknown that either Cn, HCn, or K4FeCn6 had ever been released by volcanoes, and the danger to life from the moving cloud could only be due to CO and CO2. To this, Rogers, in an extraordinarily heated article, responded that he could not understand how even a 'beginner' could boldly state that HCn had not commonly been emitted by volcanoes: that it had been, he contended, was perfectly certain; although whether or not it had been released did not influence the reasoning of a rational mind on whether it was being released now: for cyanogen, he pointed out, is not rare in nature, even if it doesn't occur directly, as it is one of the common products of the distillation of coal, and can be found in roots, peaches, almonds, and many types of tropical plants; also, that it had been suggested by more than one thinker that some salt or salts of Cn, either the potassic or the potassic ferrocyanide, or both, must exist in substantial quantities deep within the earth at volcanic depths. In response, Stanistreet, in a two-column article, called Rogers a 'dreamer,' and after Berlin had already been shut down, Rogers finally countered with his remarkable 'blockhead.' However, in my view, the most knowledgeable and clear scientific opinions came from the rather unexpected source of Sloggett, from the Dublin Science and Art Department: he, without much fuss, accepted the statements of the fleeing eyewitnesses, including the claim that the cloud, as it flowed, seemed to be mixed from its base to the sky with lazy tongues of purple flame, pink at the edges. Sloggett explained that this was the characteristic flame of both cyanogen and hydrocyanic acid vapor, which, being flammable, may have ignited locally as it passed over cities, and only appeared to burn in that limited and sluggish way due to the heavy volumes of carbonic anhydride it must have mixed with: the dark purplish color resulted from the presence of large amounts of scoria from various volcanic rocks: basalts, greenstone, trachytes, and various porphyries. This article was remarkable for its clear foresight, as it was written soon after the telegraphic communication with Australia and China had stopped; and at such an early date, Sloggett stated that the nature of the destruction not only indicated an eruption—another, but much larger Krakatoa—likely in some South Sea area, but also suggested that its most active product must be, not CO, but potassic ferrocyanide (K4FeCn6), which, together with the products of sulfur in the heat of the eruption, produced hydrocyanic acid (HCn); and this volatile acid, he stated, remains in a vaporous state in all climates above a temperature of 26.5° C., could envelop the entire earth if the eruption was powerful enough, moving mainly against the earth's west-to-east motion, with the only regions that would definitely be safe being the colder areas of the Arctic circles, where the acid vapor would condense, falling as rain. He did not foresee that vegetation would be permanently harmed, unless the eruption lasted and was active for an unimaginable amount of time, because, while the poisonous nature of hydrocyanic acid lies in its ability to halt oxidation entirely, vegetation has two sources of life—the soil and the air; apart from this, all life, down to the simplest organisms, would vanish (this was the one area where he was somewhat mistaken), until the earth could regenerate them. As for the rest, he estimated the speed of the approaching cloud at 100 to 105 miles per day; and the eruption occurred either on the 14th, 15th, or 16th of April—which was either one, two, or three days after the arrival of the Boreal party at the Pole; and he concluded by saying that, if the facts were as he detailed, he could not think of any hiding place for humanity, except places like mines and tunnels could be sealed against the air; nor could even those be useful for many people, unless the poisonous state of the air was very short-lived.


I had thought of mines before: but in a very languid way, till this article, and other things that I read, as it were struck my brain a slap with the notion. For 'there,' I said, 'if anywhere, shall I find a man....'

I had thought about mines before, but in a very casual way, until this article and other things I read suddenly hit me with the idea. I said to myself, 'There, if anywhere, is where I’ll find a man....'


I went out from that building that morning feeling like a man bowed down with age, for the depths of unutterable horror into which I had had glimpses during that one night made me very feeble, and my steps tottered, and my brain reeled.

I stepped out of that building that morning feeling like an old man, weighed down by the unspoken terror I had caught a glimpse of during that one night. It left me feeling weak, my steps unsteady, and my mind spinning.

I got out into Farringdon Street, and at the near Circus, where four streets meet, had under my furthest range of vision nothing but four fields of bodies, bodies, clad in a rag-shop of every faded colour, or half-clad, or not clad at all, actually, in many cases, over-lying one another, as I had seen at Reading, but here with a markedly more skeleton appearance: for I saw the swollen-looking shoulders, sharp hips, hollow abdomens, and stiff bony limbs of people dead from famine, the whole having the grotesque air of some macabre battle-field of fallen marionettes. Mixed with these was an extraordinary number of vehicles of all sorts, so that I saw that driving among them would be impracticable, whereas the street which I had taken during the night was fairly clear. I thought a minute what I should do: then went by a parallel back-street, and came out to a shop in the Strand, where I hoped to find all the information which I needed about the excavations of the country. The shutters were up, and I did not wish to make any noise among these people, though the morning was bright, it being about ten o'clock, and it was easy to effect entrance, for I saw a crow-bar in a big covered furniture-van near. I, therefore, went northward, till I came to the British Museum, the cataloguing-system of which I knew well, and passed in. There was no one at the library-door to bid me stop, and in the great round reading-room not a soul, except one old man with a bag of goître hung at his neck, and spectacles, he lying up a book-ladder near the shelves, a 'reader' to the last. I got to the printed catalogues, and for an hour was upstairs among the dim sacred galleries of this still place, and at the sight of certain Greek and Coptic papyri, charters, seals, had such a dream of this ancient earth, my good God, as even an angel's pen could not half express on paper. Afterwards, I went away loaded with a good hundred-weight of Ordnance-maps, which I had stuffed into a bag found in the cloak-room, with three topographical books; I then, at an instrument-maker's in Holborn, got a sextant and theodolite, and at a grocer's near the river put into a sack-bag provisions to last me a week or two; at Blackfriars Bridge wharf-station I found a little sharp white steamer of a few tons, which happily was driven by liquid air, so that I had no troublesome fire to light: and by noon I was cutting my solitary way up the Thames, which flowed as before the ancient Britons were born, and saw it, and built mud-huts there amid the primaeval forest; and afterwards the Romans came, and saw it, and called it Tamesis, or Thamesis.

I stepped out onto Farringdon Street, and at the nearby Circus, where four streets meet, my furthest view was filled with nothing but fields of bodies—people dressed in a hodgepodge of faded colors, some barely clothed or not clothed at all, lying on top of each other just like I had seen at Reading, but here they looked even more skeletal. I noticed their swollen shoulders, sharp hips, hollow stomachs, and rigid bony limbs, all signs of people who had died from hunger, creating a grotesque scene that resembled a macabre battlefield of fallen marionettes. Mixed in with this was an astonishing number of vehicles of all types, making it clear that driving through them would be impossible, unlike the street I had used during the night, which was relatively clear. I thought for a moment about what to do next, then took a parallel back street and ended up at a shop on the Strand, hoping to find all the information I needed about the country's excavations. The shutters were closed, and I didn’t want to make any noise around these people, although it was bright out—around ten o'clock—and it was easy to get in since I spotted a crowbar in a large covered furniture van nearby. So, I headed north until I reached the British Museum, which I knew well enough to navigate. There was no one at the library door to stop me, and in the vast round reading room, there was only one old man with a goiter hanging around his neck and wearing glasses, sitting on a book ladder near the shelves, still a 'reader' to the end. I made my way to the printed catalogs and spent an hour upstairs among the dim, sacred galleries of this quiet place, and upon seeing certain Greek and Coptic papyri, charters, and seals, I was overwhelmed by a dream of this ancient earth that even an angel's pen couldn't fully capture on paper. Afterwards, I left loaded down with a good hundred pounds of Ordnance maps that I stuffed into a bag I found in the cloakroom, along with three topographical books. Then, at an instrument shop in Holborn, I picked up a sextant and theodolite, and at a nearby grocery store, I bought enough provisions to last me a week or two. At the wharf station by Blackfriars Bridge, I found a small, sharp white steamer that was powered by liquid air, which meant I didn’t have to deal with the hassle of lighting a fire. By noon, I was steadily making my way up the Thames, a river that flowed just as it did before the ancient Britons were born, witnessed and built mud huts along its banks in the primeval forest; and then the Romans came, saw it, and named it Tamesis, or Thamesis.


That night, as I lay asleep on the cabin-cushions of my little boat under the lee of an island at Richmond, I had a clear dream, in which something, or someone, came to me, and asked me a question: for it said: 'Why do you go seeking another man?—that you may fall upon him, and kiss him? or that you may fall upon him, and murder him?' And I answered sullenly in my dream: 'I would not murder him. I do not wish to murder anyone.'

That night, as I slept on the cushions of my small boat, sheltered by an island at Richmond, I had a vivid dream. In it, something or someone approached me and asked, "Why are you looking for another man? To embrace him or to kill him?" I replied gloomily in my dream, "I wouldn’t kill him. I don’t want to kill anyone."


What was essential to me was to know, with certainty, whether I was really alone: for some instinct began to whisper me: 'Find that out: be sure, be sure: for without the assurance you can never be—yourself.'

What mattered most to me was to know for sure if I was truly alone: because some instinct started to whisper to me, 'Figure that out: be certain, be certain: because without that assurance, you can never be—yourself.'

I passed into the great Midland Canal, and went northward, leisurely advancing, for I was in no hurry. The weather remained very warm, and great part of the country was still dressed in autumn leaves. I have written, I think, of the terrific character of the tempests witnessed in England since my return: well, the calms were just as intense and novel. This observation was forced upon me: and I could not but be surprised. There seemed no middle course now: if there was a wind, it was a storm: if there was not a storm, no leaf stirred, not a roughening zephyr ran the water. I was reminded of maniacs that laugh now, and rave now—but never smile, and never sigh.

I entered the big Midland Canal and headed north, moving at a relaxed pace since I wasn’t in a rush. The weather was still quite warm, and much of the countryside was still adorned with autumn leaves. I think I've mentioned the extreme storms I've seen in England since I got back; well, the calm weather was just as striking and unusual. I couldn’t help but notice this: it was surprising. It felt like there was no middle ground anymore: if the wind picked up, it turned into a storm; if there was no storm, not a single leaf moved, and not even the slightest breeze disturbed the water. It reminded me of people who laugh one moment and rave the next—but never smile and never sigh.

On the fourth afternoon I passed by Leicester, and the next morning left my pleasant boat, carrying maps and compass, and at a small station took engine, bound for Yorkshire, where I loitered and idled away two foolish months, sometimes travelling by steam-engine, sometimes by automobile, sometimes by bicycle, and sometimes on foot, till the autumn was quite over.

On the fourth afternoon, I went through Leicester, and the next morning I left my nice boat, taking my maps and compass with me. At a small station, I caught a train headed for Yorkshire, where I wasted two silly months, sometimes traveling by train, sometimes by car, sometimes by bike, and sometimes on foot, until autumn had completely passed.


There were two houses in London to which especially I had thought to go: one in Harley Street, and one in Hanover Square: but when it came to the point, I would not; and there was a little embowered home in Yorkshire, where I was born, to which I thought to go: but I would not, confining myself for many days to the eastern half of the county.

There were two houses in London that I particularly considered visiting: one on Harley Street and one in Hanover Square. But when it came down to it, I didn’t. I also thought about going to a small, tucked-away home in Yorkshire, where I was born, but I didn’t do that either, spending many days only in the eastern part of the county.

One morning, while passing on foot along the coast-wall from Bridlington to Flambro', on turning my eyes from the sea, I was confronted by a thing which for a moment or two struck me with the most profound astonishment. I had come to a mansion, surrounded by trees, three hundred yards from the cliffs: and there, on a path at the bottom of the domain, right before me, was a board marked: 'Trespassers will be Prosecuted.' At once a mad desire—the first which I had had—to laugh, to roar with laughter, to send wild echoes of merriment clapping among the chalk gullies, and abroad on the morning air, seized upon me: but I kept it under, though I could not help smiling at this poor man, with his little delusion that a part of the earth was his.

One morning, while walking along the coast path from Bridlington to Flamborough, I turned my gaze away from the sea and was taken aback by something that filled me with amazement for a moment. I had arrived at a mansion surrounded by trees, situated three hundred yards from the cliffs, and there, on a path at the bottom of the property, right in front of me, was a sign that read: 'Trespassers will be Prosecuted.' Immediately, I felt an overwhelming urge—the first I had experienced—to laugh, to burst out with laughter, to send waves of joy echoing through the chalk gullies and into the morning air. However, I held it back, though I couldn’t help but smile at this poor man and his little illusion that a part of the earth was his.

Here the cliffs are, I should say, seventy feet high, broken by frequent slips in the upper stratum of clay, and, as I proceeded, climbing always, I encountered some rather formidable gullies in the chalk, down and then up which I had to scramble, till I came to a great mound or barrier, stretching right across the great promontory, and backed by a natural ravine, this, no doubt, having been raised as a rampart by some of those old invading pirate-peoples, who had their hot life-scuffle, and are done now, like the rest. Going on, I came to a bay in the cliff, with a great number of boats lodged on the slopes, some quite high, though the declivities are steep; toward the inner slopes is a lime-kiln which I explored, but found no one there. When I came out on the other side, I saw the village, with an old tower at one end, on a bare stretch of land; and thence, after an hour's rest in the kitchen of a little inn, went out to the coast-guard station, and the lighthouse.

Here are the cliffs, which I’d say are about seventy feet high, interrupted by frequent slips in the upper layer of clay. As I kept climbing, I encountered some pretty challenging gullies in the chalk that I had to scramble down and then back up until I reached a large mound or barrier that stretched completely across the promontory, backed by a natural ravine. This was likely built as a rampart by some of those old invading pirate groups who had their fierce battles and are now gone, like everyone else. Continuing on, I came to a bay in the cliff with a lot of boats resting on the slopes, some quite high, even though the slopes are steep. Toward the inner slopes, there’s a lime-kiln that I checked out, but I didn’t find anyone there. When I came out on the other side, I spotted the village with an old tower at one end on a bare stretch of land. After resting for an hour in the kitchen of a small inn, I headed out to the coast-guard station and the lighthouse.

Looking across the sea eastward, the light-keepers here must have seen that thick cloud of convolving browns and purples, perhaps mixed with small tongues of fire, slowly walking the water, its roof in the clouds, upon them: for this headland is in precisely the same longitude as London; and, reckoning from the hour when, as recorded in the Times, the cloud was seen from Dover over Calais, London and Flambro' must have been overtaken soon after three o'clock on the Sunday afternoon, the 25th July. At sight in open daylight of a doom so gloomy—prophesied, but perhaps hoped against to the last, and now come—the light-keepers must have fled howling, supposing them to have so long remained faithful to duty: for here was no one, and in the village very few. In this lighthouse, which is a circular white tower, eighty feet high, on the edge of the cliff, is a book for visitors to sign their names: and I will write something down here in black and white: for the secret is between God only, and me: After reading a few of the names, I took my pencil, and I wrote my name there.

Looking out at the sea to the east, the lighthouse keepers must have seen that thick cloud of swirling browns and purples, maybe even mixed with little tongues of fire, slowly gliding over the water, with its top in the clouds above them: this headland is exactly at the same longitude as London; and, counting from the moment when, as noted in the Times, the cloud was spotted from Dover over Calais, London and Flamborough must have been hit soon after three o'clock on the Sunday afternoon of July 25th. Seeing such a dark fate in broad daylight—predicted, but perhaps hoped against until the end, and now here—it’s likely the lighthouse keepers fled in fear, assuming they had remained dedicated to their duty for so long: because here was no one, and in the village very few. In this lighthouse, which is a circular white tower, eighty feet tall, perched on the edge of the cliff, there is a book for visitors to sign their names: and I will jot something down here in black and white: for the secret is just between God and me: After glancing at a few of the names, I took my pencil and wrote my name there.


The reef before the Head stretches out a quarter of a mile, looking bold in the dead low-water that then was, and showing to what extent the sea has pushed back this coast, three wrecks impaled on them, and a big steamer quite near, waiting for the first movements of the already strewn sea to perish. All along the cliff-wall to the bluff crowned by Scarborough Castle northward, and to the low vanishing coast of Holderness southward, appeared those cracks and caves which had brought me here, though there seemed no attempts at barricades; however, I got down a rough slope on the south side to a rude wild beach, strewn with wave-worn masses of chalk: and never did I feel so paltry and short a thing as there, with far-outstretched bays of crags about me, their bluffs encrusted at the base with stale old leprosies of shells and barnacles, and crass algae-beards, and, higher up, the white cliff all stained and weather-spoiled, the rock in some parts looking quite chalky, and elsewhere gleaming hard and dull like dirty marbles, while in the huge withdrawals of the coast yawn darksome gullies and caverns. Here, in that morning's walk, I saw three little hermit-crabs, a limpet, and two ninnycocks in a pool of weeds under a bearded rock. What astonished me here, and, indeed, above, and everywhere, in London even, and other towns, was the incredible number of birds that strewed the ground, at some points resembling a real rain, birds of nearly every sort, including tropic specimens: so that I had to conclude that they, too, had fled before the cloud from country to country, till conquered by weariness and grief, and then by death.

The reef in front of the Head stretches out a quarter of a mile, appearing strong during the low tide at that time, and showing how much the sea has pushed back this coastline, with three wrecks stuck on it and a large steamer nearby, waiting for the first movements of the already disturbed sea to sink. All along the cliff wall to the bluff topped by Scarborough Castle to the north, and to the low disappearing coast of Holderness to the south, there were those cracks and caves that had drawn me here, though it seemed like there were no attempts to block them off; I made my way down a rough slope on the south side to a wild beach, littered with wave-worn chunks of chalk: I had never felt so insignificant as I did there, surrounded by vast stretches of craggy bays, their cliffs encrusted at the bottom with old, decaying shells and barnacles, and thick algae, while higher up, the white cliffs were stained and weather-beaten, with some parts looking quite chalky and others shiny and dull like dirty marbles, while the large recesses along the coast opened up dark gullies and caves. During my morning walk here, I spotted three small hermit crabs, a limpet, and two insignificant little creatures in a pool of weeds under a bearded rock. What amazed me here, and really everywhere, even in London and other towns, was the astonishing number of birds covering the ground, in some areas resembling an actual rain, with birds of almost every type, including tropical ones: I had to conclude that they, too, had fled from one place to another before the storm, until they were overcome by exhaustion and sorrow, and finally by death.

By climbing over rocks thick with periwinkles, and splashing through great sloppy stretches of crinkled sea-weed, which give a raw stench of brine, I entered the first of the gullies: a narrow, long, winding one, with sides polished by the sea-wash, and the floor rising inwards. In the dark interior I struck matches, able still to hear from outside the ponderous spasmodic rush and jostle of the sea between the crags of the reef, but now quite faintly. Here, I knew, I could meet only dead men, but urged by some curiosity, I searched to the end, wading in the middle through a three-feet depth of sea-weed twine: but there was no one; and only belemnites and fossils in the chalk. I searched several to the south of the headland, and then went northward past it toward another opening and place of perched boats, called in the map North Landing: where, even now, a distinct smell of fish, left by the old crabbers and herring-fishers, was perceptible. A number of coves and bays opened as I proceeded; a faded green turf comes down in curves at some parts on the cliff-brows, like wings of a young soldier's hair, parted in the middle, and plastered on his brow; isolated chalk-masses are numerous, obelisks, top-heavy columns, bastions; at one point no less than eight headlands stretched to the end of the world before me, each pierced by its arch, Norman or Gothic, in whole or in half; and here again caves, in one of which I found a carpet-bag stuffed with a wet pulp like bread, and, stuck to the rock, a Turkish tarboosh; also, under a limestone quarry, five dead asses: but no man. The east coast had evidently been shunned. Finally, in the afternoon I reached Filey, very tired, and there slept.

By climbing over rocks covered with periwinkles and splashing through large, messy patches of crinkled seaweed that stank of salt, I entered the first of the gullies: a narrow, long, winding one, with sides smoothed by the ocean waves, and the floor sloping inward. Inside, I struck matches, still able to faintly hear the heavy, irregular rush and crash of the sea against the crags of the reef from outside. Here, I knew, I would find only the dead, but driven by curiosity, I continued searching to the end, wading through three feet of seaweed: but there was no one; just belemnites and fossils in the chalk. I explored several gullies south of the headland, then headed north past it toward another spot where boats were moored, marked on the map as North Landing; even now, the distinct smell of fish lingered from the old crabbers and herring fishers. As I moved along, I encountered several coves and bays; faded green turf came down in curves at some spots on the cliffs, resembling the parted hair of a young soldier plastered on his forehead; numerous isolated chalk formations stood tall, like obelisks, heavy columns, and bastions; at one point, no less than eight headlands reached toward the horizon before me, each with its own arch, either Norman or Gothic, whole or partial; and again there were caves, one of which I found a carpet bag stuffed with a wet pulp similar to bread, and a Turkish tarboosh stuck to the rock; also, under a limestone quarry, five dead donkeys: but no person. It was clear that the east coast had been avoided. Finally, in the afternoon, I reached Filey, very tired, and there I fell asleep.


I went onward by train-engine all along the coast to a region of iron-ore, alum, and jet-excavations round Whitby and Middlesborough. By by-ways near the small place of Goldsborough I got down to the shore at Kettleness, and reached the middle of a bay in which is a cave called the Hob-Hole, with excavations all around, none of great depth, made by jet-diggers and quarrymen. In the cave lay a small herd of cattle, though for what purpose put there I cannot guess; and in the jet-excavations I found nothing. A little further south is the chief alum-region, as at Sandsend, but as soon as I saw a works, and the great gap in the ground like a crater, where the lias is quarried, containing only heaps of alum-shale, brushwood-stacks, and piles of cement-nodules extracted from the lias, I concluded that here could have been found no hiding; nor did I purposely visit the others, though I saw two later. From round Whitby, and those rough moors, I went on to Darlington, not far now from my home: but I would not continue that way, and after two days' indecisive lounging, started for Richmond and the lead mines about Arkengarth Dale, near Reeth. Here begins a region of mountain, various with glens, fells, screes, scars, swards, becks, passes, villages, river-heads, and dales. Some of the faces which I saw in it almost seemed to speak to me in a broad dialect which I knew. But they were not numerous in proportion: for all this country-side must have had its population multiplied by at least some hundreds; and the villages had rather the air of Danube, Levant, or Spanish villages. In one, named Marrick, I saw that the street had become the scene either of a great battle or a great massacre; and soon I was everywhere coming upon men and women, English and foreign, dead from violence: cracked heads, wounds, unhung jaws, broken limbs, and so on. Instead of going direct to the mines from Reeth, that waywardness which now rules my mind, as squalls an abandoned boat, took me somewhat further south-west to the village of Thwaite, which I actually could not enter, so occupied with dead was every spot on which the eye rested a hundred yards about it. Not far from here I turned up, on foot now, a very steep, stony road to the right, which leads over the Buttertubs Pass into Wensleydale, the day being very warm and bright, with large clouds that looked like lakes of molten silver giving off grey fumes in their centre, casting moody shadows over the swardy dale, which below Thwaite expands, showing Muker two miles off, the largest village of Upper Swaledale. Soon, climbing, I could look down upon miles of Swaledale and the hills beyond, a rustic panorama of glens and grass, river and cloudshadow, and there was something of lightness in my step that fair day, for I had left all my maps and things, except one, at Reeth, to which I meant to return, and the earth, which is very good, was—mine. The ascent was rough, and also long: but if I paused and looked behind—I saw, I saw. Man's notion of a Heaven, a Paradise, reserved for the spirits of the good, clearly arose from impressions which the earth made upon his mind: for no Paradise can be fairer than this; just as his notion of a Hell arose from the squalid mess into which his own foolish habits of thought and action turned this Paradise. At least, so it struck me then: and, thinking it, there was a hiss in my breath, as I went up into what more and more acquired the character of a mountain pass, with points of almost Alpine savagery: for after I had skirted the edge of a deep glen on the left, the slopes changed in character, heather was on the mountain-sides, a fretting beck sent up its noise, then screes, and scars, and a considerable waterfall, and a landscape of crags; and lastly a broad and rather desolate summit, palpably nearer the clouds.

I took a train along the coast to a place known for iron ore, alum, and jet mining around Whitby and Middlesbrough. By some back roads near the small town of Goldsborough, I arrived at the shore at Kettleness, reaching the middle of a bay with a cave called the Hob-Hole. There were small mines around, but none very deep, created by jet miners and quarry workers. Inside the cave, I found a small herd of cattle, though I couldn’t figure out why they were there. In the jet mines, I discovered nothing interesting. A bit further south, near Sandsend, is the main alum mining area, but when I saw the factory and the large pit in the ground that looked like a crater, filled only with heaps of alum shale, stacks of brushwood, and piles of cement nodules extracted from the lias, I concluded that there was no chance for hiding here. I didn’t intentionally visit the other mines, although I did see two later on. After leaving Whitby and the rugged moors behind, I headed towards Darlington, not far from home. However, I didn’t want to take that route, and after two days of aimless lounging, I decided to head to Richmond and the lead mines near Arkengarth Dale, close to Reeth. This area is mountainous, full of valleys, hills, rocky slopes, fields, streams, passes, villages, river sources, and dales. Some of the people I encountered seemed to speak in a familiar broad dialect. But they were few and far between; the population in this countryside must have been multiplied by hundreds, and the villages had more of a vibe like those in the Danube, the Levant, or Spain. In one village named Marrick, I noticed the street resembled the aftermath of a massive battle or massacre, and soon, I began to see men and women, both locals and foreigners, dead from violence: with cracked heads, wounds, jaws hanging, broken limbs, and more. Instead of heading straight to the mines from Reeth, I was led astray by my wandering mind, as if controlled by an uncontrollable storm, further southwest to the village of Thwaite, which I couldn’t even enter because every direction was filled with dead bodies within a hundred yards. Not far from there, I walked up a steep, rocky road to the right, leading over Buttertubs Pass into Wensleydale. It was a very warm and bright day, with big clouds that looked like lakes of molten silver, releasing grey fumes at their centers and casting moody shadows over the lush dale below Thwaite, which opened up to reveal Muker two miles away, the largest village in Upper Swaledale. As I climbed higher, I was able to look down over miles of Swaledale and the hills beyond, taking in a picturesque view of valleys, grass, rivers, and shadows from the clouds. There was a lightness in my step that day because I had left all my maps and belongings, except one, back at Reeth, intending to return, and the earth, which was quite beautiful, felt like mine. The ascent was tough and long, but whenever I paused to look back, I could see, I could see. Humanity's idea of Heaven, a Paradise set aside for the good, clearly came from the impressions that Earth left on their minds: no Paradise could be more beautiful than this; just as their notion of Hell stemmed from the messy condition that their own foolish habits of thought and action turned this Paradise into. At least, that’s how it struck me then: and as I contemplated it, I breathed in sharply while climbing into what increasingly felt like a mountain pass, with hints of almost Alpine wildness. After skirting the edge of a deep valley on my left, the landscape changed; heather covered the mountain sides, a lively stream made noise beside me, then there


Two days later I was at the mines: and here I first saw that wide-spread scene of horror with which I have since become familiar. The story of six out of ten of them all is the same, and short: selfish 'owners,' an ousted world, an easy bombardment, and the destruction of all concerned, before the arrival of the cloud in many cases. About some of the Durham pit-mouths I have been given the impression that the human race lay collected there; and that the notion of hiding himself in a mine must have occurred to every man alive, and sent him thither.

Two days later, I was at the mines, and that’s when I first witnessed the vast scene of horror I’ve since come to know well. The story of six out of ten of them is the same and brief: greedy ‘owners,’ a displaced world, an easy attack, and the destruction of everyone involved, often before the arrival of the cloud. Around some of the Durham pit-mouths, I got the feeling that humanity was gathered there, as if the idea of hiding in a mine had crossed every man's mind and led him there.

In these lead mines, as in most vein-mining, there are more shafts than in collieries, and hardly any attempt at artificial ventilation, except at rises, winzes and cul-de-sacs. I found accordingly that, though their depth does not exceed three hundred feet, suffocation must often have anticipated the other dreaded death. In nearly every shaft, both up-take and down-take, was a ladder, either of the mine, or of the fugitives, and I was able to descend without difficulty, having dressed myself in a house at the village in a check flannel shirt, a pair of two-buttoned trousers with circles of leather at the knees, thick boots, and a miner's hat, having a leather socket attached to it, into which fitted a straight handle from a cylindrical candlestick; with this light, and also a Davy-lamp, which I carried about with me for a good many months, I lived for the most part in the deeps of the earth, searching for the treasure of a life, to find everywhere, in English duckies and guggs, Pomeranian women in gaudy stiff cloaks, the Walachian, the Mameluk, the Khirgiz, the Bonze, the Imaum, and almost every type of man.

In these lead mines, like in most vein-mining sites, there are more shafts than in coal mines, and there’s hardly any effort for artificial ventilation, except at the rises, winzes, and dead ends. I found that, even though the depth doesn’t go beyond three hundred feet, suffocation must often have come before the other feared death. In almost every shaft, both the up-take and down-take were fitted with ladders, either from the mine or used by those escaping, and I was able to go down without difficulty. I had changed into a check flannel shirt, a pair of two-button trousers with leather circles at the knees, thick boots, and a miner’s hat with a leather socket that held a straight handle from a cylindrical candlestick. With this light, along with a Davy lamp that I carried for several months, I spent most of my time deep underground, searching for a treasure of life, encountering all kinds of people: English duckies and guggs, Pomeranian women in flashy stiff cloaks, the Walachian, the Mameluk, the Khirgiz, the Bonze, the Imaum, and nearly every kind of man.


One most brilliant Autumn day I walked by the village market-cross at Barnard, come at last, but with a tenderness in my heart, and a reluctance, to where I was born; for I said I would go and see my sister Ada, and—the other old one. I leaned and loitered a long time on the bridge, gazing up to the craggy height, which is heavy with waving wood, and crowned by the Castle-tower, the Tees sweeping round the mountain-base, smooth here and sunlit, but a mile down, where I wished to go, but would not, brawling bedraggled and lacerated, like a sweet strumpet, all shallow among rocks under reaches of shadow—the shadow of Rokeby Woods. I climbed very leisurely up the hill-side, having in my hand a bag with a meal, and up the stair in the wall to the top I went, where there is no parapet, but a massiveness of wall that precludes danger; and here in my miner's attire I sat three hours, brooding sleepily upon the scene of lush umbrageous old wood that marks the long way the river takes, from Marwood Chase up above, and where the rapid Balder bickers in, down to bowery Rokeby, touched now with autumn; the thickness of trees lessening away toward the uplands, where there are far etherealized stretches of fields within hedgerows, and in the sunny mirage of the farthest azure remoteness hints of lonesome moorland. It was not till near three that I went down along the river, then, near Rokeby, traversing the old meadow, and ascending the old hill: and there, as of old, was the little black square with yellow letters on the gate-wall:

One brilliant autumn day, I walked past the village market cross at Barnard, finally arriving, but feeling a tenderness in my heart and a reluctance to return to where I was born. I had said I would go see my sister Ada and the other old one. I lingered on the bridge for a long time, gazing up at the craggy heights, heavy with waving trees and topped by the castle tower, while the Tees flowed around the base of the mountain: smooth here and sunlit, but a mile down, where I wanted to go but didn’t, rushing and messy, like a beautiful temptress, shallow among rocks under the shadows—the shadows of Rokeby Woods. I climbed slowly up the hillside, holding a bag with a meal, and made my way up the stairs in the wall to the top, where there was no railing, only a massive wall providing safety. Dressed in my miner’s clothes, I sat there for three hours, lazily reflecting on the scene of lush old woods that follows the long path of the river from Marwood Chase above, where the swift Balder flows in, down to the leafy Rokeby, now touched by autumn. The density of trees gradually lessened toward the highlands, revealing expansive fields within hedgerows, and in the sunny mirage of the farthest blue distance, hints of lonely moorland. It wasn't until nearly three that I walked down along the river, near Rokeby, crossing the old meadow and climbing the old hill. There, just like before, was the little black square with yellow letters on the gate wall:

HUNT HILL HOUSE.

Hunt Hill House.

No part, no house, I believe, of this country-side was empty of strange corpses: and they were in Hunt Hill, too. I saw three in the weedy plot to the right of the garden-path, where once the hawthorn and lilac tree had grown from well-rollered grass, and in the little bush-wilderness to the left, which was always a wilderness, one more: and in the breakfast-room, to the right of the hall, three; and in the new wooden clinker-built attachment opening upon the breakfast-room, two, half under the billiard-table; and in her room overlooking the porch on the first floor, the long thin form of my mother on her bed, with crushed-in left temple, and at the foot of the bed, face-downward on the floor, black-haired Ada in a night-dress.

No part of this countryside, no house, was without strange bodies, and Hunt Hill was no exception. I saw three in the overgrown patch to the right of the garden path, where the hawthorn and lilac tree had once thrived in well-kept grass. In the little overgrown area to the left, which had always been wild, I found one more; in the breakfast room, to the right of the hall, there were three; and in the new wooden extension connected to the breakfast room, two more, partly underneath the billiard table. In her room, overlooking the porch on the first floor, lay my mother, her long, thin body on the bed with a crushed left temple, and at the foot of the bed, face down on the floor, was black-haired Ada in a nightgown.

Of all the men and women who died, they two alone had burying. For I digged a hole with the stable-spade under the front lilac; and I wound them in the sheets, foot and form and head; and, not without throes and qualms, I bore and buried them there.

Of all the men and women who died, those two were the only ones I buried. I dug a hole with the spade from the stable under the front lilac; and I wrapped them in sheets, covering their feet, bodies, and heads; and, feeling a lot of pain and uncertainty, I carried and buried them there.


Some time passed after this before the long, multitudinous, and perplexing task of visiting the mine-regions again claimed me. I found myself at a place called Ingleborough, which is a big table-mountain, with a top of fifteen to twenty acres, from which the sea is visible across Lancashire to the west; and in the sides of this strange hill are a number of caves which I searched during three days, sleeping in a garden-shed at a very rural and flower-embowered village, for every room in it was thronged, a place marked Clapham in the chart, in Clapdale, which latter is a dale penetrating the slopes of the mountain: and there I found by far the greatest of the caves which I saw, having ascended a path from the village to a hollow between two grass slopes, where there is a beck, and so entering an arch to the left, screened by trees, into the limestone cliff. The passage narrows pretty rapidly inwards, and I had not proceeded two yards before I saw the clear traces of a great battle here. All this region had, in fact, been invaded, for the cave must have been famous, though I did not remember it myself, and for some miles round the dead were pretty frequent, making the immediate approach to the cave a matter for care, if the foot was to be saved from pollution. It is clear that there had been an iron gate across the entrance, that within this a wall had been built across, shutting in I do not know how many, perhaps one or two, perhaps hundreds: and both gate and wall had been stormed and broken down, for there still were the sledges and rocks which, without doubt, had done it. I had a lamp, and at my forehead the lighted candle, and I went on quickly, seeing it useless now to choose my steps where there was no choice, through a passage incrusted, roof and sides, with a scabrous petrified lichen, the roof low for some ninety yards, covered with down-looking cones, like an inverted forest of children's toy-trees. I then came to a round hole, apparently artificial, opening through a curtain of stalagmitic formation into a great cavern beyond, which was quite animated and festal with flashes, sparkles, and diamond-lustres, hung in their myriads upon a movement of the eye, these being produced by large numbers of snowy wet stalagmites, very large and high, down the centre of which ran a continuous long lane of clothes and hats and faces; with hasty reluctant feet I somehow passed over them, the cave all the time widening, thousands of stalactites appearing on the roof of every size, from virgin's breast to giant's club, and now everywhere the wet drip, drip, as it were a populous busy bazaar of perspiring brows and hurrying feet, in which the only business is to drip. Where stalactite meets stalagmite there are pillars: where stalactite meets stalactite in fissures long or short there are elegances, flimsy draperies, delicate fantasies; there were also pools of water in which hung heads and feet, and there were vacant spots at outlying spaces, where the arched roof, which continually heightened itself, was reflected in the chill gleam of the floor. Suddenly, the roof came down, the floor went up, and they seemed to meet before me; but looking, I found a low opening, through which, drawing myself on the belly over slime for some yards in repulsive proximity to dead personalities, I came out upon a floor of sand and pebbles under a long dry tunnel, arched and narrow, grim and dull, without stalactites, suggestive of monks, and catacomb-vaults, and the route to the grave; and here the dead were much fewer, proving either that the general mob had not had time to penetrate so far inward, or else that those within, if they were numerous, had gone out to defend, or to harken to, the storm of their citadel. This passage led me into an open space, the grandest of all, loftily vaulted, full of genie riches and buried treasures of light, the million-fold ensemble of lustres dancing schottishe with the eye, as it moved or was still: this place, I should guess, being quite half a mile from the entrance. My prying lantern showed me here only nineteen dead, men of various nations, and at the far end two holes in the floor, large enough to admit the body, through which from below came up a sound of falling water. Both of these holes, I could see, had been filled with cement concrete—wisely, I fancy, for a current of air from somewhere seemed to be now passing through them: and this would have resulted in the death of the hiders. Both, however, of the fillings had been broken through, one partially, the other wholly, by the ignorant, I presume, who thought to hide in a secret place yet beyond, where they may have believed, on seeing the artificial work, that others were. I had my ear a long time at one of these openings, listening to that mysterious chant down below in a darkness most murky and dismal; and afterwards, spurred by the stubborn will which I had to be thorough, I went back, took a number of outer robes from the bodies, tied them well together, then one end round the nearest pillar, and having put my mouth to the hole, calling: 'Anyone? Anyone?' let myself down by the rope of garments, the candle at my head: I had not, however, descended far into those mournful shades, when my right foot plunged into water: and instantly the feeling of terror pierced me that all the evil things in the universe were at my leg to drag me down to Hell: and I was up quicker than I went down: nor did my flight cease till, with a sigh of deliverance, I found myself in open air.

Some time passed before the complicated task of visiting the mining regions called me back. I arrived at a place called Ingleborough, which is a large table mountain with a top measuring fifteen to twenty acres, from which you can see the sea across Lancashire to the west. The sides of this unusual hill are home to several caves that I explored over three days, sleeping in a garden shed in a quaint, flower-filled village called Clapham on the map, located in Clapdale, which is a valley that cuts into the mountain's slopes. There, I discovered the largest cave I encountered, having climbed a path from the village to a hollow between two grassy slopes, where a stream flowed. I entered an arch to the left, concealed by trees, into the limestone cliff. The passage quickly narrowed, and I hadn’t walked two yards before I noticed clear signs of a great battle that had taken place here. This region had indeed been invaded because the cave must have been well-known, although I didn’t recall it myself, and for several miles around, there were fairly frequent remains, making the entrance to the cave a cautious place to approach if one wanted to avoid contamination. It was evident that there had been an iron gate at the entrance, inside of which a wall had been constructed, possibly trapping one or two, perhaps even hundreds. Both the gate and wall had been stormed and broken down, as remnants of sledges and rocks that undoubtedly caused the destruction were still present. I had a lamp, and with a lit candle on my forehead, I moved quickly, realizing it was pointless to pick my steps where there was no choice, through a passage coated on the roof and sides with a rough petrified lichen, the low ceiling extending for about ninety yards, covered with downward-pointing cones that resembled an inverted forest of children's toy trees. I then reached a round hole, seemingly artificial, opening through a curtain of stalagmite formation into a massive cavern beyond, which was vibrant and festive with flashes, sparkles, and diamond-like reflections, shimmering in their countless numbers with every movement of the eye. This effect was created by numerous large, snowy wet stalagmites, very tall and wide, down which ran a continuous long line of clothes, hats, and faces; with hasty, reluctant steps, I somehow crossed over them, the cave steadily widening, as thousands of stalactites of every size—from a virgin’s breast to a giant’s club—appeared on the ceiling, and everywhere the sound of wet drips reverberated, as if this were a bustling bazaar of perspiring brows and hurried feet, where the only business was to drip. Where stalactite met stalagmite, there were pillars; where stalactite met stalactite in either long or short fissures, there were delicate formations, flimsy draperies, and intricate fantasies; there were also pools of water reflecting heads and feet, and empty areas in distant corners, where the arching roof, which continually rose, was mirrored in the cold gleam of the floor. Suddenly, the ceiling dropped, the floor rose, and they appeared to meet before me; but upon looking closely, I found a low opening, through which I had to crawl on my stomach over slime for several yards in uncomfortable proximity to the remains of the dead, emerging onto a floor of sand and pebbles beneath a long, dry tunnel, arched and narrow, grim and dull, devoid of stalactites, evoking thoughts of monks, catacomb vaults, and the path to the grave. Here, the dead were much fewer, suggesting either that the general crowd hadn’t had time to venture so far inward, or that those who were inside, if numerous, had gone out to defend or listen to the storm raging at their stronghold. This passage led me into an open space, the grandest of all, with a lofty ceiling, full of the riches of genies and buried treasures of light, a million-fold collection of reflections dancing in a lively manner with the eye, whether in motion or still. I estimated this space to be about half a mile from the entrance. My curious lantern illuminated just nineteen corpses, men from various nations, and at the far end were two large openings in the floor, big enough to fit a body, through which sounds of falling water trickled up from below. Both of these openings appeared to have been sealed with cement—wisely, I assumed, since a current of air seemed to be passing through them, potentially leading to the death of those hiding inside. However, both of the seals had been broken, one partially and the other completely, likely by the ignorant who thought they could hide in a place beyond, convinced that others might have entered upon seeing the artificial structure. I spent a long time listening at one of these gaps, intrigued by the mysterious sounds echoing below in the darkness; later, driven by my determination to be thorough, I returned, took several outer garments from the bodies, tied them securely together, then secured one end around the nearest pillar. After putting my mouth to the opening and calling out, 'Anyone? Anyone?' I lowered myself down using the rope of clothes, the candle perched on my head. However, I hadn’t descended far into those gloomy depths when my right foot sank into water, and instantly a wave of terror consumed me, as if all the evil things in the universe were reaching for my leg to pull me down to Hell. I quickly scrambled back up, and I didn't stop fleeing until, with a sigh of relief, I found myself in the open air.


After this, seeing that the autumn warmth was passing away, I set myself with more system to my task, and within the next six months worked with steadfast will, and strenuous assiduity, seeking, not indeed for a man in a mine, but for some evidence of the possibility that a man might be alive, visiting in that time Northumberland and Durham, Fife and Kinross, South Wales and Monmouthshire, Cornwall and the Midlands, the lead mines of Derbyshire, of Allandale and other parts of Northumberland, of Alston Moor and other parts of Cumberland, of Arkendale and other parts of Yorkshire, of the western part of Durham, of Salop, of Cornwall, of the Mendip Hills of Somersetshire, of Flint, Cardigan, and Montgomery, of Lanark and Argyll, of the Isle of Man, of Waterford and Down; I have gone down the 360-ft. Grand Pipe iron ladder of the abandoned graphite-mine at Barrowdale in Cumberland, half-way up a mountain 2,000 feet high; and visited where cobalt and manganese ore is mined in pockets at the Foel Hiraeddog mine near Rhyl in Flintshire, and the lead and copper Newton Stewart workings in Galloway; the Bristol coal-fields, and mines of South Staffordshire, where, as in Somerset, Gloucester, and Shropshire, the veins are thin, and the mining-system is the 'long-wall,' whereas in the North, and Wales, the system is the 'pillar-and stall'; I have visited the open workings for iron ores of Northamptonshire, and the underground stone-quarries, and the underground slate-quarries, with their alternate pillars and chambers, in the Festiniog district of North Wales; also the rock-salt workings; the tin, copper and cobalt workings of Cornwall; and where the minerals were brought to the surface on the backs of men, and where they were brought by adit-levels provided with rail-roads, and where, as in old Cornish mines, there are two ladders in the shaft, moved up and down alternately, see-saw, and by skipping from one to the other at right moments you ascended or descended, and where the drawing-up is by a gin or horse-whinn, with vertical drum; the Tisbury and Chilmark quarries in Wiltshire, the Spinkwell and Cliffwood quarries in Yorkshire; and every tunnel, and every recorded hole: for something urged within me, saying: 'You must be sure first, or you can never be—yourself.'

After this, noticing that the warmth of autumn was fading, I committed myself more seriously to my work. Over the next six months, I put in a lot of effort and determination, not specifically searching for a man in a mine, but looking for any proof that a man might still be alive. I traveled during that time to Northumberland and Durham, Fife and Kinross, South Wales and Monmouthshire, Cornwall and the Midlands, the lead mines of Derbyshire, Allandale and other areas of Northumberland, Alston Moor and other regions of Cumberland, Arkendale and other parts of Yorkshire, the western area of Durham, Salop, Cornwall, the Mendip Hills in Somerset, Flint, Cardigan, Montgomery, Lanark, Argyll, the Isle of Man, Waterford, and Down. I descended the 360-foot Grand Pipe iron ladder of the abandoned graphite mine at Barrowdale in Cumberland, halfway up a mountain 2,000 feet high. I also explored where cobalt and manganese ore is mined in pockets at the Foel Hiraeddog mine near Rhyl in Flintshire and the lead and copper workings in Newton Stewart, Galloway. I visited the Bristol coal-fields and the mines in South Staffordshire, where, like in Somerset, Gloucester, and Shropshire, the veins are thin, and the mining method is the 'long-wall,' whereas in the North and Wales, the system is 'pillar-and-stall.' I checked out the open workings for iron ores in Northamptonshire and the underground stone and slate quarries, with their alternating pillars and chambers, in the Festiniog area of North Wales. I also saw the rock-salt workings, along with the tin, copper, and cobalt mines in Cornwall, where minerals were hauled to the surface on the backs of workers, transported through adit-levels equipped with railroads, and where, as in the old Cornish mines, two ladders would be in the shaft, moving up and down alternately. By timing my movements perfectly, I could ascend or descend, with the extraction performed by a gin or horse-whinn with a vertical drum. I visited the Tisbury and Chilmark quarries in Wiltshire, the Spinkwell and Cliffwood quarries in Yorkshire, and every tunnel and every documented hole. Something inside me urged, saying: ‘You must be sure first, or you can never be—yourself.’


At the Farnbrook Coal-field, in the Red Colt Pit, my inexperience nearly ended my life: for though I had a minute theoretical knowledge of all British workings, I was, in my practical relation to them, like a man who has learnt seamanship on shore. At this place the dead were accumulated, I think beyond precedent, the dark plain around for at least three miles being as strewn as a reaped field with stacks, and, near the bank, much more strewn than stack-fields, filling the only house within sight of the pit-mouth—the small place provided for the company's officials—and even lying over the great mountain-heap of wark, composed of the shale and débris of the working. Here I arrived on the morning of the 15th December, to find that, unlike the others, there was here no rope-ladder or other contrivance fixed by the fugitives in the ventilating-shaft, which, usually, is not very deep, being also the pumping-shaft, containing a plug-rod at one end of the beam-engine which works the pumps; but looking down the shaft, I discerned a vague mass of clothes, and afterwards a thing that could only be a rope-ladder, which a batch of the fugitives, by hanging to it their united weight, must have dragged down upon themselves, to prevent the descent of yet others. My only way of going down, therefore, was by the pit-mouth, and as this was an important place, after some hesitation I decided, very rashly. First I provided for my coming up again by getting a great coil of half-inch rope, which I found in the bailiff's office, probably 130 fathoms long, rope at most mines being so plentiful, that it almost seemed as if each fugitive had provided himself in that way. This length of rope I threw over the beam of the beam-engine in the bite where it sustains the rod, and paid one end down the shaft, till both were at the bottom: in this way I could come up, by tying one rope-end to the rope-ladder, hoisting it, fastening the other end below, and climbing the ladder; and I then set to work to light the pit-mouth engine-fire to effect my descent. This done, I started the engine, and brought up the cage from the bottom, the 300 yards of wire-rope winding with a quaint deliberateness round the drum, reminding me of a camel's nonchalant leisurely obedience. When I saw the four meeting chains of the cage-roof emerge, the pointed roof, and two-sided frame, I stopped the ascent, and next attached to the knock-off gear a long piece of twine which I had provided; carried the other end to the cage, in which I had five companions; lit my hat-candle, which was my test for choke-damp, and the Davy; and without the least reflection, pulled the string. That hole was 900 feet deep. First the cage gave a little up-leap, and then began to descend—quite normally, I thought, though the candle at once went out—nor had I the least fear; a strong current of air, indeed, blew up the shaft: but that happens in shafts. This current, however, soon became too vehemently boisterous for anything: I saw the lamp-light struggle, the dead cheeks quiver, I heard the cage-shoes go singing down the wire-rope guides, and quicker we went, and quicker, that facile descent of Avernus, slipping lightly, then raging, with sparks at the shoes and guides, and a hurricane in my ears and eyes and mouth. When we bumped upon the 'dogs' at the bottom, I was tossed a foot upwards with the stern-faced others, and then lay among them in the eight-foot space without consciousness.

At the Farnbrook Coalfield, in the Red Colt Pit, my lack of experience almost cost me my life. I had a basic theoretical understanding of all British mining operations, but practically, I was like someone who learned about sailing on land. In this location, the dead were piled up, I believe, beyond anything seen before, with the dark ground for at least three miles covered like a harvested field with stacks, and, near the bank, it was even more scattered than stacking fields, filling the only house in sight of the pit entrance—the small place meant for the company's officials—and even lying over the huge mound of waste made up of the shale and debris from the mining. I arrived on the morning of December 15th to find that, unlike the other sites, there was no rope ladder or any kind of tool set up by those who had fled in the ventilating shaft, which usually isn’t very deep as it also serves as the pumping shaft with a rod at one end of the beam engine that operates the pumps. Looking down the shaft, I noticed a blurry mass of clothes and then what could only be a rope ladder, which a group of escapees must have pulled down on themselves by hanging onto it to stop others from getting down. So, my only option to descend was through the pit entrance, and since this was a critical spot, after some hesitation, I foolishly decided to go for it. First, I made sure I could get back up by grabbing a large coil of half-inch rope, probably about 130 fathoms long, from the bailiff's office, since rope is usually so abundant in mines that it almost seemed like each fugitive had brought his own supply. I tossed the rope over the beam of the beam engine where it supports the rod and let one end down the shaft until both ends reached the bottom. This way, I could come back up by tying one end of the rope to the rope ladder, lifting it, securing the other end below, and climbing the ladder. I then got to work on starting the pit mouth engine fire to make my descent possible. Once that was done, I started the engine and brought the cage up from the bottom, with the 300 yards of wire rope winding around the drum in a quirky, deliberate manner, reminding me of a camel’s slow obedience. When I saw the four chains of the cage roof emerge, I stopped the ascent, then attached a long piece of twine to the knock-off gear that I’d brought along; I brought the other end to the cage, where I had five companions; lit my hat candle, which was my check for choke-damp, and the Davy; and without thinking at all, I pulled the string. That hole was 900 feet deep. First, the cage gave a slight lift, then started to descend—quite normally, I thought, though the candle immediately went out—nor did I have any real fear; a strong breeze was actually blowing up the shaft: but that’s normal in shafts. This current, however, soon became too violently strong for anything: I watched the lamp light struggle, felt the dead cheeks quiver, heard the cage shoes ringing down the wire rope guides, and we went down faster and faster, that easy descent of Avernus, slipping lightly, then crashing, with sparks at the shoes and guides, and a hurricane in my ears, eyes, and mouth. When we hit the 'dogs' at the bottom, I was thrown a foot upwards along with the others, and then I lay among them in the eight-foot space without consciousness.

It was only when I sat, an hour later, disgustedly reflecting on this incident, that I remembered that there was always some 'hand-working' of the engine during the cage-descents, an engineman reversing the action by a handle at every stroke of the piston, to prevent bumping. However, the only permanent injury was to the lamp: and I found many others inside.

It was only when I sat down an hour later, feeling disgusted while thinking about this incident, that I recalled there was always some 'manual adjustment' of the engine during the cage descents, with an operator reversing the action with a handle at every stroke of the piston to avoid any jolting. However, the only lasting damage was to the lamp, and I found many others inside.

I got out into the coal-hole, a large black hall 70 feet square by 15 high, the floor paved with iron sheets; there were some little holes round the wall, dug for some purpose which I never could discover, some waggons full of coal and shale standing about, and all among the waggons, and on them, and under them, bodies, clothes. I got a new lamp, pouring in my own oil, and went down a long steep ducky-road, very rough, with numerous rollers, over which ran a rope to the pit-mouth for drawing up the waggons; and in the sides here, at regular intervals, man-holes, within which to rescue one's self from down-tearing waggons; and within these man-holes, here and there, a dead, and in others every sort of food, and at one place on the right a high dead heap, and the air here hot at 64 or 65 degrees, and getting hotter with the descent.

I stepped into the coal hole, a large dark space measuring 70 feet square and 15 feet high, with an iron sheet floor. There were some small holes around the walls, dug for some unknown reason, and a few wagons filled with coal and shale scattered about, with bodies and clothes amidst the wagons, on them, and underneath. I grabbed a new lamp, filling it with my own oil, and went down a long, steep, uneven road, bumpy with many rollers, over which a rope ran to the pit's mouth to pull up the wagons. Along the sides, there were manholes at regular intervals, meant for escaping from the descending wagons, and inside these manholes were some dead bodies, while in others there was all kinds of food, and at one spot on the right, a large pile of dead. The air here was hot, around 64 or 65 degrees, and it kept getting hotter as I descended.

The ducky led me down into a standing—a space with a turn-table—of unusual size, which I made my base of operations for exploring. Here was a very considerable number of punt-shaped putts on carriages, and also waggons, such as took the new-mined coal from putt to pit-mouth; and raying out from this open standing, several avenues, some ascending as guggs, some descending as dipples, and the dead here all arranged in groups, the heads of this group pointing up this gugg, of that group toward that twin-way, of that other down that dipple, and the central space, where weighing was done, almost empty: and the darksome silence of this deep place, with all these multitudes, I found extremely gravitating and hypnotic, drawing me, too, into their great Passion of Silence in which they lay, all, all, so fixed and veteran; and at one time I fell a-staring, nearer perhaps to death and the empty Gulf than I knew; but I said I would be strong, and not sink into their habit of stillness, but let them keep to their own way, and follow their own fashion, and I would keep to my own way, and follow my own fashion, nor yield to them, though I was but one against many; and I roused myself with a shudder; and setting to work, caught hold of the drum-chain of a long gugg, and planting my feet in the chogg-holes in which rested the wheels of the putt-carriages that used to come roaring down the gugg, I got up, stooping under a roof only three feet high, till I came, near the end of the ascent, upon the scene of another battle: for in this gugg about fifteen of the mine-hands had clubbed to wall themselves in, and had done it, and I saw them lie there all by themselves through the broken cement, with their bare feet, trousers, naked bodies all black, visage all fierce and wild, the grime still streaked with sweat-furrows, the candle in their rimless hats, and, outside, their own 'getting' mattocks and boring-irons to besiege them. From the bottom of this gugg I went along a very undulating twin-way, into which, every thirty yards or so, opened one of those steep putt-ways which they called topples, the twin-ways having plates of about 2-1/2 ft. gauge for the putts from the headings, or workings, above to come down upon, full of coal and shale: and all about here, in twin-way and topples, were ends and corners, and not one had been left without its walling-in, and only one was then intact, some, I fancied, having been broken open by their own builders at the spur of suffocation, or hunger; and the one intact I broke into with a mattock—it was only a thin cake of plaster, but air-tight—and in a space not seven feet long behind it I found the very ill-smelling corpse of a carting-boy, with guss and tugger at his feet, and the pad which protected his head in pushing the putts, and a great heap of loaves, sardines, and bottled beer against the walls, and five or six mice that suddenly pitched screaming through the opening which I made, greatly startling me, there being of dead mice an extraordinary number in all this mine-region. I went back to the standing, and at one point in the ground, where there was a windlass and chain, lowered myself down a 'cut'—a small pit sunk perpendicularly to a lower coal-stratum, and here, almost thinking I could hear the perpetual rat-tat of notice once exchanged between the putt-boys below and the windlass-boys above, I proceeded down a dipple to another place like a standing, for in this mine there were six, or perhaps seven, veins: and there immediately I came upon the acme of the horrible drama of this Tartarus, for all here was not merely crowded, but, at some points, a packed congestion of flesh, giving out a strong smell of the peach, curiously mixed with the stale coal-odour of the pit, for here ventilation must have been very limited; and a large number of these masses had been shot down by only three hands, as I found: for through three hermetical holes in a plaster-wall, built across a large gugg, projected a little the muzzles of three rifles, which must have glutted themselves with slaughter; and when, after a horror of disgust, having swum as it were through a dead sea, I got to the wall, I peeped from a small clear space before it through a hole, and made out a man, two youths in their teens, two women, three girls, and piles of cartridges and provisions; the hole had no doubt been broken from within at the spur of suffocation, when the poison must have entered; and I conjectured that here must be the mine-owner, director, manager, or something of that sort, with his family. In another dipple-region, when I had re-ascended to a higher level, I nearly fainted before I could retire from the commencement of a region of after-damp, where there had been an explosion, the bodies lying all hairless, devastated, and grotesque. But I did not desist from searching every other quarter, no momentary work, for not till near six did I go up by the pumping-shaft rope-ladder.

The duck led me down into a large area with a turntable, which I decided would be my base for exploring. There was a significant number of punt-shaped carts on tracks, along with wagons that transported freshly mined coal from the pit to the entrance. From this open area, several paths branched out—some sloping up, some sloping down—and the deceased were arranged in groups, with the heads of one group pointing up one slope, another group facing down a different path, and yet another group pointing down a steep decline. The central space, where weighing was done, was nearly empty. The deep silence of this place, filled with so many people, had a strangely hypnotic effect on me, pulling me into their profound stillness, all of them so fixed and seasoned. At one point, I found myself staring, perhaps closer to death and emptiness than I realized; but I resolved to be strong and not succumb to their stillness. I would stick to my own path and not yield to them, even if I was just one against many. Shaking off that feeling, I got to work, grabbing the chain of a long slope, planting my feet in the notches where the wheels of the carts used to roll down quickly. I bent down under a roof that was only three feet high until I reached another battle scene near the end of the slope: about fifteen miners had barricaded themselves in and succeeded, lying there alone through the broken cement with bare feet, pants, and naked bodies all black, their faces fierce and wild, grime still marked by sweat lines, with candles in their rimless hats, while outside lay their own axes and drills to besiege them. From the bottom of the slope, I walked along a very uneven path, where steep sloped paths they called "topples" opened up every thirty yards or so. The paths had plates about 2.5 feet wide for the carts to come down, loaded with coal and shale. All around here, in the path and on the slopes, there were ends and corners, and not one was left without being walled in, with only one remaining intact. Some, I suspected, had been broken into by their own builders in the face of suffocation or hunger. I broke into the one intact with a mattock—it was just a thin layer of plaster but airtight—and in a space not seven feet long behind it, I found the very foul-smelling corpse of a young carting boy, with his tools at his feet and a pad protecting his head from the carts, along with a big pile of loaves, sardines, and bottled beer stacked against the walls, and five or six mice that suddenly rushed through the opening I made, startling me as there were an extraordinary number of dead mice in this mining area. I returned to the main area and found a windlass and chain on the ground, lowering myself down a "cut"—a small pit dug vertically to reach a lower coal layer—and here, almost convinced I could hear the constant knocking between the cart boys below and the windlass boys above, I went down a slope to another area like the main one, since this mine had six or perhaps seven veins. There, I stumbled upon the peak of the horrifying scene of this abyss, for everything here was not just crowded but, at some points, tightly packed with bodies, giving off a strong smell reminiscent of peaches, oddly mixed with stale coal odors, as ventilation must have been very limited. Many of these masses had been brought down by just three miners, as I discovered: through three small holes in a plaster wall built across a large slope, the muzzles of three rifles peaked out, which must have indulged in much slaughter. After swimming through a sea of death and feeling an overwhelming disgust, I reached the wall. Peering through a small opening, I saw a man, two youths in their teens, two women, three girls, and piles of ammunition and supplies. The hole had likely been broken from the inside in a desperate attempt to escape suffocation when the poison had infiltrated. I guessed this must be the mine owner, director, manager, or someone like that with his family. In another sloped area, after climbing back to a higher level, I nearly fainted before I could escape from the beginning of a damp zone where there had been an explosion, the bodies lying there all hairless and grotesque. But I didn’t stop searching every other area, continuing until nearly six when I finally climbed up by the rope ladder of the pumping shaft.


One day, standing in that wild region of bare rock and sea, called Cornwall Point, whence one can see the crags and postillion wild rocks where Land's End dashes out into the sea, and all the wild blue sea between, and not a house in sight, save the chimney of some little mill-like place peeping between the rocks inland—on that day I finished what I may call my official search.

One day, standing in that rugged area of bare rock and sea known as Cornwall Point, where you can see the cliffs and rugged rocks where Land's End juts out into the ocean, and all the wild blue sea in between, with no houses in sight except for the chimney of a small mill-like place peeking out from the rocks inland—on that day I completed what I can call my official search.

In going away from that place, walking northward, I came upon a lonely house by the sea, a very beautiful house, made, it was clear, by an artist, of the bungalow type, with an exquisitely sea-side expression. I went to it, and found its special feature a spacious loggia or verandah, sheltered by the overhanging upper story. Up to the first floor, the exterior is of stone in rough-hewn blocks with a distinct batter, while extra protection from weather is afforded by green slating above. The roofs, of low pitch, are also covered with green slates, and a feeling of strength and repose is heightened by the very long horizontal lines. At one end of the loggia is a hexagonal turret, opening upon the loggia, containing a study or nook. In front, the garden slopes down to the sea, surrounded by an architectural sea-wall; and in this place I lived three weeks. It was the house of the poet Machen, whose name, when I saw it, I remembered very well, and he had married a very beautiful young girl of eighteen, obviously Spanish, who lay on the bed in the large bright bedroom to the right of the loggia, on her left exposed breast being a baby with an india-rubber comforter in its mouth, both mother and child wonderfully preserved, she still quite lovely, white brow under low curves of black hair. The poet, strange to say, had not died with them, but sat in the sitting-room behind the bedroom in a long loose silky-grey jacket, at his desk—actually writing a poem! writing, I could see, furiously fast, the place all littered with the written leaves—at three o'clock in the morning, when, as I knew, the cloud overtook this end of Cornwall, and stopped him, and put his head to rest on the desk; and the poor little wife must have got sleepy, waiting for it to come, perhaps sleepless for many long nights before, and gone to bed, he perhaps promising to follow in a minute to die with her, but bent upon finishing that poem, and writing feverishly on, running a race with the cloud, thinking, no doubt, 'just two couplets more,' till the thing came, and put his head to rest on the desk, poor carle: and I do not know that I ever encountered aught so complimentary to my race as this dead poet Machen, and his race with the cloud: for it is clear now that the better kind of those poet men did not write to please the vague inferior tribes who might read them, but to deliver themselves of the divine warmth that thronged in their bosom; and if all the readers were dead, still they would have written; and for God to read they wrote. At any rate, I was so pleased with these poor people, that I stayed with them three weeks, sleeping under blankets on a couch in the drawing-room, a place full of lovely pictures and faded flowers, like all the house: for I would not touch the young mother to remove her. And finding on Machen's desk a big note-book with soft covers, dappled red and yellow, not yet written in, I took it, and a pencil, and in the little turret-nook wrote day after day for hours this account of what has happened, nearly as far as it has now gone. And I think that I may continue to write it, for I find in it a strange consolation, and companionship.

In leaving that place and walking north, I came across a lonely house by the sea, a truly beautiful house, clearly designed by an artist, in a bungalow style, with a stunning seaside feel. I approached it and noticed its standout feature: a spacious loggia or verandah, sheltered by the overhanging upper floor. The first floor's exterior is made of stone in rough-hewn blocks with a noticeable slope, while extra weather protection comes from green slating above. The low-pitched roofs are also covered in green slates, enhancing the feeling of strength and tranquility with their long horizontal lines. At one end of the loggia is a hexagonal turret that opens onto the loggia, containing a study or nook. In front, the garden slopes down to the sea, surrounded by a decorative sea-wall; and I lived in this place for three weeks. It was the home of the poet Machen, whose name I remembered well, and he had married a very beautiful young woman of eighteen, clearly Spanish, who lay on the bed in the large bright bedroom to the right of the loggia, with a baby at her left breast, an india-rubber pacifier in its mouth. Both mother and child looked wonderfully preserved—she still quite lovely, her white forehead framed by soft black hair. Strangely, the poet had not died with them but was sitting in the sitting room behind the bedroom, wearing a long, loose, silky-grey jacket, at his desk—actually writing a poem! I could see he was writing furiously fast, the place cluttered with written pages—at three o'clock in the morning, when the cloud covered this part of Cornwall, and it caused him to rest his head on the desk; and the poor young wife must have grown sleepy waiting for him, perhaps having been sleepless for many long nights before, and gone to bed, while he might have promised to join her soon to die by her side, but was determined to finish that poem, scribbling furiously on, racing against the cloud, thinking, no doubt, 'just two more couplets,' until the cloud came and put his head to rest on the desk, poor guy. I don’t know that I ever came across anything so flattering to my kind as this dead poet Machen and his race against the cloud: it’s clear now that the better poets didn't write to please the vague lesser tribes who might read them, but to express the divine warmth within them; and even if all their readers were dead, they would still have written; they wrote for God to read. Anyway, I was so taken with these poor people that I stayed with them for three weeks, sleeping under blankets on a couch in the drawing-room, a space filled with beautiful pictures and wilted flowers, like the rest of the house. I wouldn’t disturb the young mother to move her. Finding a large, unused notebook with soft red and yellow covers on Machen's desk, I took it along with a pencil, and in the little turret nook, I wrote day after day for hours this account of what’s happened, nearly as far as it has now gone. I think I may continue to write it, as I find it strangely comforting and offers companionship.


In the Severn Valley, somewhere in the plain between Gloucester and Cheltenham, in a rather lonely spot, I at that time travelling on a tricycle-motor, I spied a curious erection, and went to it. I found it of considerable size, perhaps fifty feet square, and thirty high, made of pressed bricks, the perfectly flat roof, too, of brick, and not one window, and only one door: this door, which I found open, was rimmed all round its slanting rims with india-rubber, and when closed must have been perfectly air-tight. Just inside I came upon fifteen English people of the dressed class, except two, who were evidently bricklayers: six ladies, and nine men: and at the further end, two more, men, who had their throats cut; along one wall, from end to end were provisions; and I saw a chest full of mixed potassic chlorate and black oxide of manganese, with an apparatus for heating it, and producing oxygen—a foolish thing, for additional oxygen could not alter the quantity of breathed carbonic anhydride, which is a direct narcotic poison. Whether the two with cut throats had sacrificed themselves for the others when breathing difficulties commenced, or been killed by the others, was not clear. When they could bear it no longer, they must have finally opened the door, hoping that by then, after the passage of many days perhaps, the outer air would be harmless, and so met their death. I believe that this erection must have been run up by their own hands under the direction of the two bricklayers, for they could not, I suppose, have got workmen, except on the condition of the workmen's admission: on which condition they would naturally employ as few as possible.

In the Severn Valley, somewhere in the flat area between Gloucester and Cheltenham, in a pretty isolated location, I was traveling on a tricycle-motor when I spotted an unusual structure and decided to check it out. It was quite large, about fifty feet square and thirty feet high, made of pressed bricks, with a perfectly flat brick roof, no windows, and only one door. This door, which I found open, was lined all around its slanted edges with rubber, making it completely air-tight when closed. Just inside, I came across fifteen well-dressed English people, except for two who were obviously bricklayers: six women and nine men. At the far end, there were two more men who had their throats cut. Along one wall, there were supplies; I saw a chest filled with a mix of potassic chlorate and black oxide of manganese, along with a device for heating it to produce oxygen—a pointless move, since extra oxygen wouldn't change the amount of carbon dioxide being breathed in, which is a direct narcotic poison. It was unclear whether the two men with cut throats had sacrificed themselves for the others when breathing became difficult, or if they had been killed by the others. When they could no longer tolerate it, they must have finally opened the door, hoping that, after many days, the outside air would be safe, and thus met their end. I believe this structure was likely built by their own hands under the guidance of the two bricklayers, as they probably could not have hired workers without allowing them to come in. Naturally, they would have wanted to keep the number of workers to a minimum.

In general, I remarked that the rich must have been more urgent and earnest in seeking escape than the others: for the poor realised only the near and visible, lived in to-day, and cherished the always-false notion that to-morrow would be just like to-day. In an out-patients' waiting-room, for instance, in the Gloucester infirmary, I chanced to see an astonishing thing: five bodies of poor old women in shawls, come to have their ailments seen-to on the day of doom; and these, I concluded, had been unable to realise that anything would really happen to the daily old earth which they knew, and had walked with assurance on: for if everybody was to die, they must have thought, who would preach in the Cathedral on Sunday evenings?—so they could not have believed. In an adjoining room sat an old doctor at a table, the stethoscope-tips still clinging in his ears: a woman with bared chest before him; and I thought to myself: 'Well, this old man, too, died doing his work....'

In general, I noticed that the rich seemed to be more anxious and serious about finding an escape than the others: the poor only understood what was immediate and visible, lived in the moment, and held onto the always-misguided belief that tomorrow would be just like today. For example, in an outpatients' waiting room at the Gloucester infirmary, I happened to see something shocking: five bodies of poor old women in shawls, there to get their health issues checked on the day of doom; and I concluded they must have been unable to comprehend that anything would actually happen to the familiar old world they knew and walked through with confidence: for if everyone was going to die, they must have thought, who would preach in the Cathedral on Sunday evenings?—so they couldn’t have truly believed. In a nearby room, an old doctor sat at a table, the stethoscope still hanging in his ears: a woman with her chest exposed in front of him; and I thought to myself: 'Well, this old man also died doing his work....'

In this same infirmary there was one surgical ward—for in a listless mood I went over it—where the patients had died, not of the poison, nor of suffocation, but of hunger: for the doctors, or someone, had made the long room air-tight, double-boarding the windows, felting the doors, and then locking them outside; they themselves may have perished before their precautions for the imprisoned patients were complete: for I found a heap of maimed shapes, mere skeletons, crowded round the door within. I knew very well that they had not died of the cloud-poison, for the pestilence of the ward was unmixed with that odour of peach which did not fail to have more or less embalming effects upon the bodies which it saturated. I rushed stifling from that place; and thinking it a pity, and a danger, that such a horror should be, I at once set to work to gather combustibles to burn the building to the ground.

In the same infirmary, there was a surgical ward—out of sheer boredom, I went through it—where the patients had died, not from poison or suffocation, but from hunger: because the doctors, or someone, had sealed the long room airtight, boarding up the windows, insulating the doors, and locking them from the outside; they might have died before they finished their precautions for the trapped patients: I found a pile of emaciated bodies, just skeletons, huddled around the door inside. I knew for sure that they hadn’t died from the poisonous cloud, because the disease in the ward was free from that peachy smell, which usually had some kind of preserving effect on the bodies it saturated. I staggered out of that place, struggling to breathe; and thinking it was both a shame and a risk that such a horror existed, I immediately started gathering materials to burn the building to the ground.

It was while I sat in an arm-chair in the street the next afternoon, smoking, and watching the flames of this structure, that something was suddenly born in me, something from the lowest Hell: and I smiled a smile that never yet man smiled. And I said: 'I will burn, I will burn: I will return to London....'

It was while I sat in an armchair on the street the next afternoon, smoking and watching the flames of this building, that something suddenly came alive in me, something from the deepest darkness: and I smiled a smile that no one has ever smiled before. And I said: 'I will burn, I will burn: I will return to London....'


While I was on this Eastward journey, stopping for the night at the town of Swindon, I had a dream: for I dreamed that a little brown bald old man, with a bent back, whose beard ran in one thin streamlet of silver from his chin to trail along the ground, said to me: 'You think that you are alone on the earth, its sole Despot: well, have your fling: but as sure as God lives, as God lives, as God lives'—he repeated it six times—'sooner or later, later or sooner, you will meet another....'

While I was on this journey east, stopping for the night in Swindon, I had a dream: I dreamed that a little old man with a bald head and a hunched back, whose beard flowed in a thin stream of silver from his chin to the ground, said to me: 'You think you’re the only one on this earth, its sole ruler: go ahead and enjoy yourself: but as sure as God lives, as God lives, as God lives'—he repeated it six times—'sooner or later, later or sooner, you will meet someone else....'

And I started from that frightful sleep with the brow of a corpse, wet with sweat....

And I woke up from that terrifying sleep with a forehead like a corpse, drenched in sweat....


I returned to London on the 29th of March, arriving within a hundred yards of the Northern Station one windy dark evening about eight, where I alighted, and walked to Euston Road, then eastward along it, till I came to a shop which I knew to be a jeweller's, though it was too dark to see any painted words. The door, to my annoyance, was locked, like nearly all the shop-doors in London: I therefore went looking near the ground, and into a cart, for something heavy, very soon saw a labourer's ponderous boots, cut one from the shrivelled foot, and set to beat at the glass till it came raining; then knocked away the bottom splinters, and entered.

I got back to London on March 29th, arriving about eight o'clock on a windy, dark evening, just a hundred yards from the Northern Station. I got out and walked to Euston Road, heading east until I found a shop I recognized as a jeweler's, even though it was too dark to read any signs. To my frustration, the door was locked, like almost all shop doors in London. So, I started looking around near the ground and into a cart for something heavy, and I quickly spotted a laborer's heavy boots. I took one from its worn-out foot and started smashing the glass until it shattered, then knocked away the remaining splinters at the bottom and stepped inside.

No horrors now at that clatter of broken glass; no sick qualms; my pulse steady; my head high; my step royal; my eye cold and calm.

No more horrors at the sound of broken glass; no sick feelings; my pulse is steady; my head held high; my step is regal; my gaze is cool and collected.


Eight months previously, I had left London a poor burdened, cowering wight. I could scream with laughter now at that folly! But it did not last long. I returned to it—the Sultan.

Eight months ago, I had left London feeling poor and weighed down, like a coward. I could laugh out loud at that foolishness now! But it didn’t last long. I went back to it—the Sultan.


No private palace being near, I was going to that great hotel in Bloomsbury: but though I knew that numbers of candle-sticks would be there, I was not sure that I should find sufficient: for I had acquired the habit within the past few months of sleeping with at least sixty lighted about me, and their form, pattern, style, age, and material was of no small importance I selected ten from the broken shop, eight gold and silver, and two of old ecclesiastical brass, and having made a bundle, went out, found a bicycle at the Metropolitan Station, pumped it, tied my bundle to the handle-bar, and set off riding. But since I was too lazy to walk, I should certainly have procured some other means of travelling, for I had not gone ten jolted and creaking yards, when something went snap—it was a front fork—and I found myself half on the ground, and half across the bare knees of a Highland soldier. I flew with a shower of kicks upon the foolish thing: but that booted nothing; and this was my last attempt in that way in London, the streets being in an unsuitable condition.

No private palace nearby, I was heading to that big hotel in Bloomsbury. Even though I knew there would be plenty of candlesticks there, I wasn't sure it would be enough. Over the past few months, I had gotten used to sleeping with at least sixty lit around me, and the shape, design, style, age, and material were really important. I chose ten from the broken shop—eight in gold and silver, and two old ecclesiastical brass ones. After bundling them up, I went out, found a bicycle at the Metropolitan Station, pumped up the tires, tied my bundle to the handlebars, and started riding. But since I was too lazy to walk, I definitely would have found another way to travel, because I hadn't gone ten jolting and creaking yards when something snapped—it was a front fork—and I ended up half on the ground, half across the bare knees of a Highland soldier. I started kicking the dumb thing, but that did nothing, and this was my last attempt like this in London, since the streets were in terrible shape.

All that dismal night it blew great guns: and during nearly three weeks, till London was no more, there was a storm, with hardly a lull, that seemed to behowl her destruction.

All that gloomy night, it raged fiercely: and for almost three weeks, until London was gone, there was a storm, with barely a break, that seemed to be howling for her doom.


I slept in a room on the second-floor of a Bloomsbury hotel that night; and waking the next day at ten, ate with accursed shiverings in the cold banqueting-room; went out then, and under drear low skies walked a long way to the West district, accompanied all the time by a sound of flapping flags—fluttering robes and rags—and grotesquely grim glimpses of decay. It was pretty cold, and though I was warmly clad, the base bizarrerie of the European clothes which I wore had become a perpetual offence and mockery in my eyes: at the first moment, therefore, I set out whither I knew that I should find such clothes as a man might wear: to the Turkish Embassy in Bryanston Square.

I crashed in a room on the second floor of a hotel in Bloomsbury that night; and waking up the next day at ten, I ate with unpleasant shivers in the cold banquet hall. After that, I went out and, under gloomy low skies, walked a long way to the West district, always accompanied by the sound of flapping flags—flapping robes and rags—and bizarre grim glimpses of decay. It was pretty cold, and even though I was dressed warmly, the strange European clothes I was wearing felt like a constant offense and mockery to me. So, at that moment, I headed where I knew I could find proper clothes: to the Turkish Embassy in Bryanston Square.

I found it open, and all the house, like most other houses, almost carpeted with dead forms. I had been acquainted with Redouza Pasha, and cast an eye about for him amid that invasion of veiled hanums, fierce-looking Caucasians in skins of beasts, a Sheik-ul-Islam in green cloak, a khalifa, three emirs in cashmere turbans, two tziganes, their gaudy brown mortality more glaringly abominable than even the Western's. I could recognise no Redouza here: but the stair was fairly clear, and I soon came to one of those boudoirs which sweetly recall the deep-buried inner seclusion and dim sanctity of the Eastern home: a door encrusted with mother-of-pearl, sculptured ceiling, candles clustered in tulips and roses of opal, a brazen brasero, and, all in disarray, the silken chemise, the long winter-cafetan doubled with furs, costly cabinets, sachets of aromas, babooshes, stuffs of silk. When, after two hours, I went from the house, I was bathed, anointed, combed, scented, and robed.

I found it open, and the whole house, like most others, was almost covered with lifeless forms. I had known Redouza Pasha and scanned the crowd for him among the veiled women, fierce-looking Caucasians in animal skins, a Sheik-ul-Islam in a green cloak, a khalifa, three emirs in cashmere turbans, and two gypsies, their bright brown appearance even more shocking than that of the Westerners. I couldn’t spot Redouza here; however, the staircase was relatively clear, and I soon arrived at one of those boudoirs that beautifully evoke the hidden privacy and dim sanctity of an Eastern home: a door inlaid with mother-of-pearl, a carved ceiling, candles arranged in tulips and roses of opal, a bronze brasero, and all in disarray, the silk chemise, the long winter kaftan lined with furs, expensive cabinets, sachets of fragrances, slippers, and silk fabrics. After two hours, when I finally left the house, I was washed, anointed, combed, scented, and dressed.


I have said to myself: 'I will ravage and riot in my Kingdoms. I will rage like the Caesars, and be a withering blight where I pass like Sennacherib, and wallow in soft delights like Sardanapalus. I will build me a palace, vast as a city, in which to strut and parade my Monarchy before the Heavens, with stones of pure molten gold, and rough frontispiece of diamond, and cupola of amethyst, and pillars of pearl. For there were many men to the eye: but there was One only, really: and I was he. And always I knew it:—some faintest secret whisper which whispered me: "You are the Arch-one, the motif of the world, Adam, and the rest of men not much." And they are gone—all! all!—as no doubt they deserved: and I, as was meet, remain. And there are wines, and opiums, and haschish; and there are oils, and spices, fruits and bivalves, and soft-breathing Cyclades, and scarlet luxurious Orients. I will be restless and turbulent in my territories: and again, I will be languishing and fond. I will say to my soul: "Be Full."'

I’ve told myself: 'I’ll run wild and indulge in my kingdoms. I’ll rage like the Caesars and be a devastating force like Sennacherib, and enjoy soft pleasures like Sardanapalus. I’ll build a palace as vast as a city, where I can show off my monarchy to the heavens, with pure molten gold stones, a rough diamond façade, an amethyst dome, and pearl pillars. There were many men to see, but there was only One who truly mattered: and that was me. I’ve always known it:—some faint whisper that told me: "You are the greatest, the theme of the world, Adam, and the others don’t mean much." And they are all gone! All!—as they probably deserved: and I, as was right, remain. There are wines, and opiates, and hashish; there are oils, spices, fruits, and shellfish, as well as the breezy Cyclades, and lavish, vibrant Orients. I’ll be restless and turbulent in my realms: and again, I’ll be languid and affectionate. I’ll tell my soul: "Be Full."'


I watch my mind, as in the old days I would watch a new precipitate in a test-tube, to see into what sediment it would settle.

I observe my thoughts, just like I used to watch a new precipitate in a test tube, to see what sediment would settle.

I am very averse to trouble of any sort, so that the necessity for the simplest manual operations will rouse me to indignation: but if a thing will contribute largely to my ever-growing voluptuousness, I will undergo a considerable amount of labour to accomplish it, though without steady effort, being liable to side-winds and whims, and purposeless relaxations.

I really dislike any kind of trouble, so even the need for the simplest tasks can make me angry. But if something will greatly enhance my pleasure, I'm willing to put in a good amount of work to achieve it, even if my efforts are inconsistent and I'm easily distracted by whims and pointless relaxations.

In the country I became very irritable at the need which confronted me of occasionally cooking some green vegetable—the only item of food which it was necessary to take some trouble over: for all meats, and many fish, some quite delicious, I find already prepared in forms which will remain good probably a century after my death, should I ever die. In Gloucester, however, I found peas, asparagus, olives, and other greens, already prepared to be eaten without base cares: and these, I now see, exist everywhere in stores so vast comparatively to the needs of a single man, that they may be called infinite. Everything, in fact, is infinite compared with my needs. I take my meals, therefore, without more trouble than a man who had to carve his joint, or chicken: though even that little I sometimes find most irksome. There remains the detestable degradation of lighting fires for warmth, which I have occasionally to do: for the fire at the hotel invariably goes out while I sleep. But that is an inconvenience of this vile northern island only, to which I shall soon bid eternal glad farewells.

In the country, I became really irritable about having to occasionally cook some green vegetables—the only food item that required any effort: all meats, and many types of fish, some quite delicious, are available already prepared in forms that will probably last a century after I'm gone, if I ever die. However, in Gloucester, I found peas, asparagus, olives, and other greens, all ready to eat without any hassle: and now I realize that these options exist everywhere in stores so vast compared to the needs of a single person that they could be called infinite. Everything, in fact, is infinite compared to my needs. So, I have my meals with no more effort than someone who has to carve a joint or a chicken: though even that minimal effort is sometimes quite annoying. There's still the annoying chore of lighting fires for warmth, which I occasionally have to do: the fire at the hotel always goes out while I sleep. But that's just a nuisance of this terrible northern island, which I will soon happily say goodbye to for good.

During the afternoon of my second day in London, I sought out a strong petrol motor in Holborn, overhauled and oiled it a little, and set off over Blackfriars Bridge, making for Woolwich through that other more putrid London on the south river-side. One after the other, I connected, as I came upon them, two drays, a cab, and a private carriage, to my motor in line behind, having cut away the withered horses, and using the reins, chain-harness, &c., as impromptu couplings. And with this novel train, I rumbled eastward.

During the afternoon of my second day in London, I looked for a powerful petrol engine in Holborn, tinkered with it a bit, and took off over Blackfriars Bridge, heading for Woolwich through that other grim part of London on the south side of the river. One by one, as I came across them, I connected two delivery trucks, a cab, and a private carriage to my engine in line behind it, having discarded the tired horses and used the reins, chain harness, etc., as makeshift couplings. With this unusual train, I rumbled eastward.

Half-way I happened to look at my old silver chronometer of Boreal-days, which I have kept carefully wound—and how I can be still thrown into these sudden frantic agitations by a nothing, a nothing, my good God! I do not know. This time it was only the simple fact that the hands chanced to point to 3.10 P.M., the precise moment at which all the clocks of London had stopped—for each town has its thousand weird fore-fingers, pointing, pointing still, to the moment of doom. In London it was 3.10 on a Sunday afternoon. I first noticed it going up the river on the face of the 'Big Ben' of the Parliament-house, and I now find that they all, all, have this 3.10 mania, time-keepers still, but keepers of the end of Time, fixedly noting for ever and ever that one moment. The cloud-mass of fine penetrating scoriae must have instantly stopped their works, and they had fallen silent with man. But in their insistence upon this particular minute I had found something so hideously solemn, yet mock-solemn, personal, and as it were addressed to me, that when my own watch dared to point to the same moment, I was thrown into one of those sudden, paroxysmal, panting turmoils of mind, half rage, half horror, which have hardly once visited me since I left the Boreal. On the morrow, alas, another awaited me; and again on the second morrow after.

Halfway through, I happened to glance at my old silver chronometer from the Boreal days, which I've kept carefully wound—and I still can be thrown into these sudden, frantic agitations over nothing, absolutely nothing, my goodness! I don't even know why. This time, it was just the simple fact that the hands happened to point to 3:10 P.M., the exact moment when all the clocks in London had stopped—for every town has its own strange signals, pointing, pointing still, to the moment of doom. In London, it was 3:10 on a Sunday afternoon. I first noticed it on the face of 'Big Ben' at the Parliament House as I was cruising up the river, and now I've realized they all share this 3:10 fixation, timekeepers still, but keepers of the end of Time, eternally marking that one moment. The cloudmass of fine, penetrating scoriae must have immediately ceased their work, and they fell silent along with humanity. Yet in their insistence on this particular minute, I found something so hideously solemn, yet mock-solemn, personal, as if it were addressed to me, that when my own watch dared to point to the same moment, I was thrown into one of those sudden, paroxysmal, breathless turmoils of thought, half anger, half terror, that had hardly visited me since I left the Boreal. Sadly, another awaited me the next day; and again on the second day after.


My train was execrably slow, and not until after five did I arrive at the entrance-gates of the Woolwich Royal Arsenal; and seeing that it was too late to work, I uncoupled the motor, and leaving the others there, turned back; but overtaken by lassitude, I procured candles, stopped at the Greenwich Observatory, and in that old dark pile, remained for the night, listening to a furious storm. But, a-stir by eight the next morning, I got back by ten to the Arsenal, and proceeded to analyse that vast and multiple entity. Many parts of it seemed to have been abandoned in undisciplined haste, and in the Cap Factory, which I first entered, I found tools by which to effect entry into any desired part. My first search was for time-fuses of good type, of which I needed two or three thousand, and after a wearily long time found a great number symmetrically arranged in rows in a range of buildings called the Ordnance Store Department. I then descended, walked back to the wharf, brought up my train, and began to lower the fuses in bag-fulls by ropes through a shoot, letting go each rope as the fuses reached the cart. However, on winding one fuse, I found that the mechanism would not go, choked with scoriae; and I had to resign myself to the task of opening and dusting every one: a wretched labour in which I spent that day, like a workman. But about four I threw them to the devil, having done two hundred odd, and then hummed back in the motor to London.

My train was extremely slow, and I didn’t arrive at the entrance gates of the Woolwich Royal Arsenal until after five. Realizing it was too late to work, I uncoupled the motor, left the others behind, and turned back. But feeling exhausted, I got some candles, stopped at the Greenwich Observatory, and spent the night in that old, dark building, listening to a raging storm. The next morning, I got moving by eight and made it back to the Arsenal by ten, ready to analyze that huge and complex place. Many parts seemed to have been abandoned in chaotic haste, and in the Cap Factory, which I entered first, I found tools that would let me get into any area I wanted. My first search was for good-quality time fuses, of which I needed two or three thousand. After a long and tiring search, I found a large number neatly arranged in rows in a section called the Ordnance Store Department. I then went down, walked back to the wharf, brought up my train, and started lowering the fuses in bags by ropes through a shoot, letting go of each rope as the fuses reached the cart. However, while winding one fuse, I discovered that the mechanism wouldn’t work because it was clogged with debris, so I had to accept the frustrating task of opening and dusting each one. It was a miserable job that I spent the whole day on, just like a laborer. But around four, I decided I had enough after dusting about two hundred, and then I hummed back to London in the motor.


That same evening at six I paid, for the first time, a visit to my old self in Harley Street. It was getting dark, and a bleak storm that hooted like whooping-cough swept the world. At once I saw that even I had been invaded: for my door swung open, banging, a lowered catch preventing it from slamming; in the passage the car-lamp shewed me a young man who seemed a Jew, sitting as if in sleep with dropped head, a back-tilted silk-hat pressed down upon his head to the ears; and lying on face, or back, or side, six more, one a girl with Arlesienne head-dress, one a negress, one a Deal lifeboat's-man, and three of uncertain race; the first room—the waiting-room—is much more numerously occupied, though there still, on the table, lies the volume of Punch, the Gentlewoman, and the book of London views in heliograph. Behind this, descending two steps, is the study and consulting-room, and there, as ever, the revolving-cover oak writing-desk: but on my little shabby-red sofa, a large lady much too big for it, in shimmering brown silk, round her left wrist a trousseau of massive gold trinkets, her head dropped right back, almost severed by an infernal gash from the throat. Here were two old silver candle-sticks, which I lit, and went upstairs: in the drawing-room sat my old house-keeper, placidly dead in a rocking-chair, her left hand pressing down a batch of the open piano-keys, among many strangers. But she was very good: she had locked my bedroom against intrusion; and as the door stands across a corner behind a green-baize curtain, it had not been seen, or, at least, not forced. I did not know where the key might be, but a few thumps with my back drove it open: and there lay my bed intact, and everything tidy. This was a strange coming-back to it, Adam.

That same evening at six, I paid a visit to my old self in Harley Street for the first time. It was getting dark, and a harsh storm that howled like whooping cough swept through the world. I quickly realized that even I had been invaded: my door swung open, banging against a lowered catch that stopped it from slamming. In the hallway, the car lamp showed me a young man who looked like a Jew, sitting there as if asleep, his head dropped, and a tilted silk hat pulled down to his ears. Lying on their faces, backs, or sides were six more people: one was a girl with an Arlesienne headdress, one a Black woman, one a lifeboatman from Deal, and three of uncertain descent. The first room—the waiting room—was much more crowded; however, the table still had a copy of Punch, Gentlewoman, and a book of London views in heliograph. Behind this, descending two steps, was the study and consulting room, where, as always, the revolving-cover oak writing desk stood; but on my little shabby red sofa sat a large lady, far too big for it, in shimmering brown silk, with a massive gold trinket trousseau on her left wrist, her head thrown back, almost severed by a terrible gash from her throat. Two old silver candlesticks were there, which I lit, and I went upstairs: in the drawing room sat my old housekeeper, calmly dead in a rocking chair, her left hand pressing down on a bunch of open piano keys among many strangers. But she was very considerate: she had locked my bedroom to prevent intrusion, and since the door was set across a corner behind a green-baize curtain, it hadn’t been seen or, at least, not forced. I didn’t know where the key might be, but a few hits with my back got it open: and there lay my bed intact, everything tidy. This was a strange return to it, Adam.

But what intensely interested me in that room was a big thing standing at the maroon-and-gold wall between wardrobe and dressing-table—that gilt frame—and that man painted within it there. It was myself in oils, done by—I forget his name now: a towering celebrity he was, and rather a close friend of mine at one time. In a studio in St. John's Wood, I remember, he did it; and many people said that it was quite a great work of art. I suppose I was standing before it quite thirty minutes that night, holding up the bits of candle, lost in wonder, in amused contempt at that thing there. It is I, certainly: that I must admit. There is the high-curving brow—really a King's brow, after all, it strikes me now—and that vacillating look about the eyes and mouth which used to make my sister Ada say: 'Adam is weak and luxurious.' Yes, that is wonderfully done, the eyes, that dear, vacillating look of mine; for although it is rather a staring look, yet one can almost see the dark pupils stir from side to side: very well done. And there is the longish face; and the rather thin, stuck-out moustache, shewing both lips which pout a bit; and there is the nearly black hair; and there is the rather visible paunch; and there is, oh good Heaven, the neat pink cravat—ah, it must have been that—the cravat—that made me burst out into laughter so loud, mocking, and uncontrollable the moment my eye rested there! 'Adam Jeffson,' I muttered reproachfully when it was over, 'could that poor thing in the frame have been you?'

But what really captured my attention in that room was a big thing standing against the maroon-and-gold wall between the wardrobe and the dressing table—that gilded frame—and the man painted inside it. It was me in oils, created by—I can't remember his name now: he was a huge celebrity and somewhat of a close friend of mine at one point. I recall he painted it in a studio in St. John's Wood, and many people said it was quite a remarkable piece of art. I guess I stood in front of it for almost thirty minutes that night, holding up bits of candle, completely absorbed, amused, and slightly contemptuous of that thing. It is me, I have to admit. There’s the high-curving forehead—definitely a King’s forehead, it seems to me now—and that uncertain look in the eyes and mouth that used to make my sister Ada say, ‘Adam is weak and indulgent.’ Yes, the eyes are captured wonderfully, that dear, uncertain look of mine; even though it’s a bit of a staring look, you can almost see the dark pupils shifting from side to side: really well done. And there’s the longish face; the rather thin, prominent mustache, showing both lips that stick out a bit; and there’s the nearly black hair; and there’s the noticeable belly; and oh good heavens, the neat pink cravat—ah, it must have been that—the cravat—that made me burst into loud, mocking, uncontrollable laughter the moment my gaze fell there! ‘Adam Jeffson,’ I muttered reproachfully when it was over, ‘could that poor thing in the frame really have been you?’

I cannot quite state why the tendency toward Orientalism—Oriental dress—all the manner of an Oriental monarch—has taken full possession of me: but so it is: for surely I am hardly any longer a Western, 'modern' mind, but a primitive and Eastern one. Certainly, that cravat in the frame has receded a million, million leagues, ten thousand forgotten aeons, from me! Whether this is a result due to my own personality, of old acquainted with Eastern notions, or whether, perhaps, it is the natural accident to any mind wholly freed from trammels, I do not know. But I seem to have gone right back to the very beginnings, and resemblance with man in his first, simple, gaudy conditions. My hair, as I sit here writing, already hangs a black, oiled string down my back; my scented beard sweeps in two opening whisks to my ribs; I have on the izar, a pair of drawers of yomani cloth like cotton, but with yellow stripes; over this a soft shirt, or quamis, of white silk, reaching to my calves; over this a short vest of gold-embroidered crimson, the sudeyree; over this a khaftan of green-striped silk, reaching to the ankles, with wide, long sleeves divided at the wrist, and bound at the waist with a voluminous gaudy shawl of Cashmere for girdle; over this a warm wide-flowing torrent of white drapery, lined with ermine. On my head is the skull-cap, covered by a high crimson cap with deep-blue tassel; and on my feet is a pair of thin yellow-morocco shoes, covered over with thick red-morocco babooshes. My ankles—my ten fingers—my wrists—are heavy with gold and silver ornaments; and in my ears, which, with considerable pain, I bored three days since, are two needle-splinters, to prepare the holes for rings.

I can’t really say why I’ve become so drawn to Orientalism—Oriental fashion—all the traits of an Eastern king—but I have. It seems I’m no longer a Western, 'modern' thinker, but rather a primitive, Eastern one. That cravat in the frame feels like it’s from a completely different world, from long-forgotten ages! I’m not sure if this is because of my own personality, which has always resonated with Eastern ideas, or if it’s just something that happens when a mind breaks free from constraints. But I feel like I’ve gone back to the very beginnings, resembling humanity in its earliest, simple, colorful forms. As I sit here writing, my hair hangs down my back like a black, oiled strand; my scented beard flows in two parts down to my ribs; I’m wearing an izar, a pair of shorts made from a cotton-like yomani cloth with yellow stripes; over that, a soft white silk shirt, or quamis, that reaches my calves; on top of that, a short vest of gold-embroidered crimson called the sudeyree; over that, a khaftan made of green-striped silk that goes down to my ankles, with wide, long sleeves that split at the wrist, and cinched at the waist with a large, colorful Cashmere shawl; on top of everything, a warm, flowing layer of white fabric lined with ermine. I’m wearing a skull-cap topped with a high crimson cap adorned with a deep-blue tassel; on my feet are a pair of thin yellow leather shoes covered with thick red leather babooshes. My ankles, fingers, and wrists are adorned with heavy gold and silver jewelry; and in my ears, which I painfully pierced three days ago, are two needle-like pieces to create holes for rings.


O Liberty! I am free....

O Freedom! I am free...


While I was going to visit my old home in Harley Street that night, at the very moment when I turned from Oxford Street into Cavendish Square, this thought, fiercely hissed into my ears, was all of a sudden seething in me: 'If now I should lift my eyes, and see a man walking yonder—just yonder—at the corner there—turning from Harewood Place into Oxford Street—what, my good God, should I do?—I without even a knife to run and plunge into his heart?'

While I was heading to my old home on Harley Street that night, just as I turned from Oxford Street into Cavendish Square, this thought, sharply echoing in my ears, suddenly boiled over inside me: 'If I were to look up now and see a man walking over there—right over there—at the corner there—turning from Harewood Place onto Oxford Street—what, my goodness, would I do?—I don’t even have a knife to rush at him and stab him in the heart?'

And I turned my eyes—ogling, suspicious eyes of furtive horror—reluctantly, lingeringly turned—and I peered deeply with lowered brows across the murky winds at that same spot: but no man was there.

And I turned my eyes—watching, wary eyes filled with hidden dread—slowly, hesitantly turned—and I gazed intently with furrowed brows across the dark winds at that same spot: but no one was there.

Hideously frequent is this nonsense now become with me—in streets of towns—in deep nooks of the country: the invincible assurance that, if I but turn the head, and glance there—at a certain fixed spot—I shall surely see—I must see—a man. And glance I must, glance I must, though I perish: and when I glance, though my hairs creep and stiffen like stirring amobse, yet in my eyes, I know, is monarch indignation against the intruder, and my neck stands stiff as sovereignty itself, and on my brow sits more than all the lordship of Persepolis and Iraz.

This nonsense has become hideously common for me—on city streets—in quiet corners of the countryside: the unshakeable belief that if I just turn my head and look there—at a specific spot—I will definitely see—I have to see—a man. And I must look, I must look, even if it kills me: and when I do look, even though my hairs bristle and stand on end like a swarm of bees, I know there is a royal anger in my eyes against the intruder, my neck is as stiff as sovereignty itself, and on my forehead rests more authority than all the power of Persepolis and Iraz.

To what point of wantonness this arrogance of royalty may lead me, I do not know: I will watch, and see. It is written: 'It is not good for man to be alone!' But good or no, the arrangement of One planet, One inhabitant, already seems to me, not merely a natural and proper, but the only natural and proper, condition; so much so, that any other arrangement has now, to my mind, a certain improbable, wild, and far-fetched unreality, like the Utopian schemes of dreamers and faddists. That the whole world should have been made for me alone—that London should have been built only in order that I might enjoy the vast heroic spectacle of its burning—that all history, and all civilisation should have existed only in order to accumulate for my pleasures its inventions and facilities, its stores of purple and wine, of spices and gold—no more extraordinary does it all seem to me than to some little unreflecting Duke of my former days seemed the possessing of lands which his remote forefathers seized, and slew the occupiers: nor, in reality, is it even so extraordinary, I being alone. But what sometimes strikes me with some surprise is, not that the present condition of the world, with one sole master, should seem the common-place and natural condition, but that it should have come to seem so common-place and natural—in nine months. The mind of Adam Jeffson is adaptable.

I don’t know how far this arrogance of royalty will take me; I’ll keep an eye on it and find out. It’s been said, "It’s not good for man to be alone!" But whether it’s good or not, the setup of One planet, One inhabitant now feels to me not just natural and proper, but the only natural and proper way to be; so much so that any other arrangement now strikes me as improbable, wild, and far-fetched, like the idealistic dreams of visionaries and trendsetters. The idea that the entire world was created for me alone—that London was built just so I could enjoy the grand spectacle of its destruction—that all of history and civilization existed solely to provide my pleasures with its inventions and resources, its luxury goods and riches—seems no more extraordinary to me than it did to some unthinking Duke from my past who felt entitled to lands taken by his ancestors who killed the previous owners: and honestly, it’s not even that extraordinary, considering I'm alone. What does surprise me sometimes is not that the current state of the world, with just one ruler, seems like the usual and natural state, but that it has come to feel so normal and natural—in just nine months. The mind of Adam Jeffson is flexible.


I sat a long time thinking such things by my bed that night, till finally I was disposed to sleep there. But I had no considerable number of candle-sticks, nor was even sure of candles. I remembered, however, that Peter Peters, three doors away on the other side of the street, had had four handsome silver candelabra in his drawing-room, each containing six stems; and I said to myself: 'I will search for candles in the kitchen, and if I find any, I will go and get Peter Peters' candelabra, and sleep here.'

I sat by my bed that night, thinking for a long time, until I finally felt like sleeping there. However, I didn't have many candlesticks, and I wasn't even sure if I had any candles. Then I remembered that Peter Peters, who lived three doors down on the other side of the street, had four beautiful silver candelabra in his living room, each with six candle holders. So I told myself, "I'll look for candles in the kitchen, and if I find any, I'll go get Peter Peters' candelabra and sleep here."

I took then the two lights which I had, my good God; went down to the passage; then down to the basement; and there had no difficulty in finding three packets of large candles, the fact being, I suppose, that the cessation of gas-lighting had compelled everyone to provide themselves in this way, for there were a great many wherever I looked. With these I re-ascended, went into a little alcove on the second-floor where I had kept some drugs, got a bottle of carbolic oil, and for ten minutes went dashing all the corpses in the house. I then left the two lighted bits of candle on the waiting-room table, and, with the car-lamp, passed along the passage to the front-door, which was very violently banging. I stepped out to find that the storm had increased to a mighty turbulence (though it was dry), which at once caught my clothes, and whirled them into a flapping cloud about and above me; also, I had not crossed the street when my lamp was out. I persisted, however, half blinded, to Peters' door. It was locked: but immediately near the pavement was a window, the lower sash up, into which, with little trouble, I lifted myself and passed. My foot, as I lowered it, stood on a body: and this made me angry and restless. I hissed a curse, and passed on, scraping the carpet with my soles, that I might hurt no one: for I did not wish to hurt any one. Even in the almost darkness of the room I recognised Peters' furniture, as I expected: for the house was his on a long lease, and I knew that his mother had had the intention to occupy it after his death. But as I passed into the passage, all was mere blank darkness, and I, depending upon the lamp, had left the matches in the other house. I groped my way to the stairs, and had my foot on the first step, when I was stopped by a vicious shaking of the front-door, which someone seemed to be at with hustlings and the most urgent poundings: I stood with peering stern brows two or three minutes, for I knew that if I once yielded to the flinching at my heart, no mercy would be shown me in this house of tragedy, and thrilling shrieks would of themselves arise and ring through its haunted chambers. The rattling continued an inordinate time, and so instant and imperative, that it seemed as if it could not fail to force the door. But, though horrified, I whispered to my heart that it could only be the storm which was struggling at it like the grasp of a man, and after a time went on, feeling my way by the broad rail, in my brain somehow the thought of a dream which I had had in the Boreal of the woman Clodagh, how she let drop a fluid like pomegranate-seeds into water, and tendered it to Peter Peters: and it was a mortal purging draught; but I would not stop, but step by step went up, though I suffered very much, my brows peering at the utter darkness, and my heart shocked at its own rashness. I got to the first landing, and as I turned to ascend the second part of the stair, my left hand touched something icily cold: I made some quick instinctive movement of terror, and, doing so, my foot struck against something, and I stumbled, half falling over what seemed a small table there. Immediately a horrible row followed, for something fell to the ground: and at that instant, ah, I heard something—a voice—a human voice, which uttered words close to my ear—the voice of Clodagh, for I knew it: yet not the voice of Clodagh in the flesh, but her voice clogged with clay and worms, and full of effort, and thick-tongued: and in that ghastly speech of the grave I distinctly heard the words:

I then took the two lights I had, my God; went down the hallway; then down to the basement; and found no trouble locating three packages of large candles. I suppose the end of gas lighting had made everyone stock up on candles, as there were plenty wherever I looked. With these, I went back up, entered a small alcove on the second floor where I had stored some medical supplies, grabbed a bottle of carbolic oil, and for ten minutes I went sprinkling it on all the corpses in the house. I then left the two lit candles on the waiting room table and, with the car lamp, made my way down the hallway to the front door, which was banging loudly. I stepped outside to find that the storm had grown to a furious chaos (though it was dry), which immediately caught my clothes and whipped them into a flapping cloud around me; I hadn’t even crossed the street when my lamp went out. Still, I pressed on, half-blinded, until I reached Peters’ door. It was locked, but just by the sidewalk was a window, with the lower sash up, and I easily lifted myself inside. As I lowered my foot, it landed on a body, and this frustrated and agitated me. I hissed a curse and moved on, trying to scrape my shoes on the carpet to avoid hurting anyone, as I didn’t want to harm anyone. Even in the near darkness of the room, I recognized Peters' furniture as I expected, since he had a long lease on the house, and I knew his mother planned to move in after his death. But as I stepped into the hallway, it was pitch black, and since I had left the matches in the other house, I groped my way to the stairs, my foot on the first step when I was startled by a violent shaking at the front door, as if someone was desperately pounding on it. I stood there with furrowed brows for a few minutes, knowing that if I allowed myself to flinch, there would be no mercy shown to me in this house of tragedy, and chilling screams would fill its haunted rooms. The rattling went on for an unreasonable amount of time, so urgent and demandingly that it seemed it could surely force the door open. But, though horrified, I whispered to myself that it was just the storm struggling against it like a man’s grip, and after a while, I continued on, feeling my way along the broad rail. In my mind, I couldn’t shake the thought of a dream I had in the Boreal about the woman Clodagh, how she let something drop like pomegranate seeds into water and offered it to Peter Peters: it was a deadly purging drink; but I didn’t stop, just took one step at a time, even though I was suffering greatly, my brow straining against the complete darkness, and my heart shocked at its own rashness. I reached the first landing, and as I turned to climb the next section of stairs, my left hand touched something icy cold: I instinctively reacted in terror and, in doing so, my foot hit something, causing me to stumble, half-falling over what felt like a small table there. Suddenly, a horrible noise erupted, as something crashed to the ground: and at that instant, oh, I heard something—a voice—a human voice, uttering words right next to my ear—it was Clodagh’s voice, for I recognized it: but it wasn’t Clodagh's voice in the flesh, it was her voice thick with clay and worms, labored and heavy: and in that ghastly speech from the grave, I distinctly heard the words:

'Things being as they are in the matter of the death of Peter ...'

'Things being what they are regarding Peter's death ...'

And there it stopped dead, leaving me so sick, my God, so sick, that I could hardly snatch my robes about me to fly, fly, fly, soft-footed, murmuring in pain, down the steps, down like a sneaking thief, but quick, snatching myself away, then wrestling with the cruel catch of the door which she would not let me open, feeling her all the time behind me, watching me. And when I did get out, I was away up the length of the street, trailing my long jubbah, glancing backward, panting, for I thought that she might dare to follow, with her daring evil will. And all that night I lay on a common bench in the wind-tossed and dismal Park.

And there it stopped completely, leaving me so sick, oh my God, so sick, that I could barely grab my robes to escape, fly, fly, fly, quietly, murmuring in pain, down the steps, like a sneaky thief, but quickly, pulling myself away, then struggling with the stubborn door that she wouldn’t let me open, feeling her presence behind me, watching me the whole time. And when I finally got out, I was up the street, dragging my long jubbah, looking back, panting, because I thought she might have the audacity to follow me with her wicked intentions. And all that night I lay on a public bench in the wind-whipped and dreary Park.


The first thing which I did when the sun was up was to return to that place: and I returned with hard and masterful brow.

The first thing I did when the sun came up was go back to that place; and I returned with a determined and confident expression.

Approaching Peters' house I saw now, what the darkness had hidden from me, that on his balcony was someone—quite alone there. The balcony is a slight open-work wrought-iron structure, connected to a small roof by three slender voluted pillars, two at the ends, one in the middle: and at the middle one I saw someone, a woman—kneeling—her arms clasped tight about the pillar, and her face rather upward-looking. Never did I see aught more horrid: there were the gracious curves of the woman's bust and hips still well preserved in a clinging dress of red cloth, very faded now; and her reddish hair floated loose in a large flimsy cloud about her; but her face, in that exposed position, had been quite eaten away by the winds to a noseless skeleton, which grinned from ear to ear, with slightly-dropped under-jaw—most horrid in contrast with the body, and frame of hair. I meditated upon her a long time that morning from the opposite pavement. An oval locket at her throat contained, I knew, my likeness: for eight years previously I had given it her. It was Clodagh, the poisoner.

Approaching Peters' house, I now saw what the darkness had hidden from me: someone was on his balcony—completely alone. The balcony was a delicate open-work wrought-iron structure, attached to a small roof by three slender twisted pillars—two at the ends and one in the middle. Leaning against the middle pillar was a woman—kneeling—with her arms tightly wrapped around it and her face tilted slightly upward. I've never seen anything more horrifying: the graceful curves of her bust and hips were still visible in a clinging red dress, though it was very faded now; her reddish hair hung loose in a large, flimsy cloud around her. But her face, in that exposed position, had been almost completely eroded by the winds, leaving a noseless skeleton grinning from ear to ear, with a slightly dropped jaw—terrifying in contrast to the rest of her body and the mass of hair. I contemplated her for a long time that morning from across the street. An oval locket around her neck contained, I knew, my likeness; I had given it to her eight years earlier. It was Clodagh, the poisoner.

I thought that I would go into that house, and walk through it from top to bottom, and sit in it, and spit in it, and stamp in it, in spite of any one: for the sun was now high. I accordingly went in again, and up the stairs to the spot where I had been frightened, and had heard the words. And here a great rage took me, for I at once saw that I had been made the dupe of the malign wills that beset me, and the laughing-stock of Those for whom I care not a fig. From a little mahogany table there I had knocked sideways to the ground, in my stumble, a small phonograph with a great 25-inch japanned-tin horn, which, the moment that I now noticed it, I took and flung with a great racket down the stairs: for that this it was which had addressed me I did not doubt; it being indeed evident that its clock-work mechanism had been stopped by the volcanic scoriae in the midst of the delivery of a record, but had been started into a few fresh oscillations by the shock of the fall, making it utter those thirteen words, and stop. I was sufficiently indignant at the moment, but have since been glad, for I was thereby put upon the notion of collecting a number of cylinders with records, and have been touched with indescribable sensations, sometimes thrilled, at hearing the silence of this Eternity broken by those singing and speaking voices, so life-like, yet most ghostly, of the old dead.

I thought I would go into that house, walk through it from top to bottom, sit in it, spit in it, and stomp around in it, no matter what anyone said: the sun was now high. So, I went back inside and up the stairs to the spot where I had been scared and heard the words. And here, a great anger took hold of me, as I realized I had been fooled by the malevolent forces surrounding me, and made a fool of by those I couldn't care less about. From a little mahogany table, I had knocked over a small phonograph with a large 25-inch black tin horn during my stumble, and as soon as I noticed it, I picked it up and threw it down the stairs with a loud crash: I had no doubt it was the one that had spoken to me; it was clear that its clockwork had stopped due to the volcanic debris while playing a record, but the shock of the fall had triggered it into a few more motions, making it utter those thirteen words and then stop. I was pretty angry at the time, but I’ve since felt relieved, as it led me to collect several cylinders with records. I've experienced indescribable feelings, sometimes thrilled, at hearing the silence of this Eternity disrupted by those singing and speaking voices, so lifelike yet eerily ghostly, of the long past.


Well, the most of that same day I spent in a high chamber at Woolwich, dusting out, and sometimes oiling, time-fuses: a work in which I acquired such facility in some hours, that each finally occupied me no more than ninety to a hundred seconds, so that by evening I had, with the previous day's work, close on 600. The construction of these little things is very simple, and, I believe, effective, so that I should have no difficulty in making them myself in large numbers, if it were necessary. Most contain a tiny dry battery, which sends a current along a bell or copper wire at the running-down moment, the clocks being contrived to be set for so many days, hours, and minutes, while others ignite by striking. I arranged in rows in the covered van those which I had prepared, and passed the night in an inn near the Barracks. I had brought candle-sticks from London in the morning, and arranged the furniture—a settee, chest-of-drawers, basin-stand, table, and a number of chairs—in three-quarter-circle round the bed, so getting a triple-row altar of lights, mixed with vases of the house containing small palms and evergreens; with this I mingled a smell of ambergris from the scattered contents of some Turkish sachets which I had; in the bed a bottle of sweet Chypre-wine, with bonbons, nuts, and Havannas. As I lay me down, I could not but reflect, with a smile which I knew to be evil, upon that steady, strong, smouldering lust within me which was urging me through all those pains at the Arsenal, I who shirked every labour as unkingly. So, however, it was: and the next morning I was at it again after an early breakfast, my fingers at first quite stiff with cold, for it blew a keen and January gale. By nine I had 820 fuses; and judging those sufficient to commence with, got into the motor, and took it round to a place called the East Laboratory, a series of detached buildings, where I knew that I should find whatever I wanted: and I prepared my mind for a day's labour. In this place I found incredible stores: mountains of percussion-caps, more chambers of fuses, small-arm cartridges, shells, and all those murderous explosive mixtures, a-making and made, with which modern savagery occupied its leisure in exterminating itself: or, at least, savagery civilised in its top-story only: for civilisation was apparently from the head downwards, and never once grew below the neck in all those centuries, those people being certainly much more mental than cordial, though I doubt if they were genuinely mental either—reminding one rather of that composite image of Nebuchadnezzar, head of gold, breast brazen, feet of clay—head man-like, heart cannibal, feet bestial—like aegipeds, and mermaids, and puzzling undeveloped births. However, it is of no importance: and perhaps I am not much better than the rest, for I, too, after all, am of them. At any rate, their lyddites, melanites, cordites, dynamites, powders, jellies, oils, marls, and civilised barbarisms and obiahs, came in very well for their own destruction: for by two o'clock I had so worked, that I had on the first cart the phalanx of fuses; on the second a goodly number of kegs, cartridge-cases and cartridge-boxes, full of powder, explosive cottons and gelatines, and liquid nitro-glycerine, and earthy dynamite, with some bombs, two reels of cordite, two pieces of tarred cloth, a small iron ladle, a shovel, and a crow-bar; the cab came next, containing a considerable quantity of loose coal; and lastly, in the private carriage lay four big cans of common oil. And first, in the Laboratory, I connected a fuse-conductor with a huge tun of blasting-gelatine, and I set the fuse on the ground, timed for the midnight of the twelfth day thence; and after that I visited the Main Factory, the Carriage Department, the Ordnance Store Department, the Royal Artillery Barracks, and the Powder Magazines in the Marshes, traversing, as it seemed to me, miles of building; and in some I laid heaps of oil-saturated coal with an explosive in suitable spots on the ground-floor near wood-work, and in some an explosive alone: and all I timed for ignition at midnight of the twelfth day. Hot now, and black as ink, I proceeded through the town, stopping with perfect system at every hundredth door: and I laid the faggots of a great burning: and timed them all for ignition at midnight of the twelfth day.

Well, most of that day I spent in a high room at Woolwich, cleaning and sometimes oiling time fuses. I got so skilled at it in just a few hours that each one took me no more than ninety to a hundred seconds. By the evening, plus the work from the previous day, I had nearly 600. The design of these little devices is quite simple, and I believe effective, so I could easily make them in large quantities if needed. Most have a tiny dry battery that sends a current through a bell or copper wire when the time runs out, with clocks set for specific days, hours, and minutes, while others ignite by striking. I organized the fuses I prepared in rows inside the covered van and spent the night at an inn near the Barracks. I had brought candle holders from London in the morning and arranged the furniture—a couch, chest of drawers, washstand, table, and several chairs—in a three-quarter circle around the bed, creating a triple-row altar of lights mixed with vases containing small palms and evergreens; I added the scent of ambergris from some Turkish sachets I had. In the bed, I kept a bottle of sweet Chypre wine, along with bonbons, nuts, and cigars. As I lay down, I couldn't help but smile, though I knew it was a wicked one, at the strong, smoldering desire within me that pushed me through all the hardships at the Arsenal, even though I avoided every task as beneath me. That was how it was. The next morning, after an early breakfast, I was back at it, my fingers initially stiff from the cold because a sharp January wind was blowing. By nine, I had 820 fuses, and thinking that was a sufficient start, I hopped into the motor and headed to a place called the East Laboratory, a collection of separate buildings where I knew I could find everything I needed; I braced myself for a day of work. In this place, I found an unbelievable stockpile: mountains of percussion caps, more fuses, small-arms cartridges, shells, and all those deadly explosive mixtures that modern savagery occupied its time with to destroy itself—or at least savagery civilized only in theory; because civilization seemed to come from the head downwards and never truly developed below the neck through all those centuries. Those people were certainly more intellectual than warm-hearted, though I question if they were genuinely intellectual at all—reminding one of that strange image of Nebuchadnezzar, head of gold, breast of bronze, feet of clay—head human-like, heart cannibalistic, feet savage—like Egyptians, mermaids, and puzzling undeveloped beings. But that doesn’t matter: perhaps I’m not much better than the rest, as I, too, after all, belong to them. Anyway, their lyddites, melanites, cordites, dynamites, powders, jellies, oils, marls, and civilized barbarisms worked perfectly for their own destruction: by two o'clock, I had loaded the first cart with the fuses; the second had a good number of kegs, cartridge cases, and cartridge boxes filled with powder, explosive cotton, gelatins, liquid nitroglycerin, and earthy dynamite, along with some bombs, two reels of cordite, two pieces of tarred cloth, a small iron ladle, a shovel, and a crowbar; the cab followed, carrying a significant amount of loose coal; and lastly, in the private carriage, there were four large cans of regular oil. First, in the Laboratory, I connected a fuse conductor to a huge barrel of blasting gelatine, laying the fuse on the ground, timed for midnight on the twelfth day; then I visited the Main Factory, the Carriage Department, the Ordnance Store Department, the Royal Artillery Barracks, and the Powder Magazines in the Marshes, going what felt like miles of buildings; in some, I stacked oil-soaked coal with explosives in strategic spots on the ground floor near wooden structures, and in others, I placed explosives alone: I timed everything for ignition at midnight on the twelfth day. Now hot and black as ink, I moved through the town, stopping systematically at every hundredth door, laying the groundwork for a major fire and timing it all to ignite at midnight on the twelfth day.


Whatever door I found closed against me I drove at it with a maniac malice.

Whatever door I found shut in my face, I attacked it with a wild anger.


Shall I commit the whole dark fact to paper?—that deep, deep secret of the human organism?

Shall I write down the entire dark truth?—that deep, deep secret of the human body?

As I wrought, I waxed wicked as a demon! And with lowered neck, and forward curve of the lower spine, and the blasphemous strut of tragic play-actors, I went. For here was no harmless burning which I did—but the crime of arson; and a most fiendish, though vague, malevolence, and the rage to burn and raven and riot, was upon me like a dog-madness, and all the mood of Nero, and Nebuchadnezzar: and from my mouth proceeded all the obscenities of the slum and of the gutter, and I sent up such hisses and giggles of challenge to Heaven that day as never yet has man let out. But this way lies a spinning frenzy....

As I worked, I became as wicked as a demon! With my head down, a curved lower back, and the arrogant swagger of a tragic actor, I moved forward. For this wasn’t just harmless fire I was setting—it was arson; and a truly evil, though somewhat unclear, malice, along with a fierce desire to burn and destroy, took hold of me like madness in a dog, filled with the spirit of Nero and Nebuchadnezzar. From my mouth came all the vile words of the slums and gutters, and I let out hisses and taunts to Heaven that day like no man has ever done before. But this leads to a spiraling insanity...


I have taken a dead girl with wild huggings to my bosom; and I have touched the corrupted lip, and spat upon her face, and tossed her down, and crushed her teeth with my heel, and jumped and jumped upon her breast, like the snake-stamping zebra, mad, mad...!

I have taken a lifeless girl with wild embraces into my arms; and I have touched her decayed lips, spat on her face, thrown her down, and crushed her teeth with my heel, jumping repeatedly on her chest, like a crazed zebra stomping on a snake, mad, mad...!


I was desolated, however, that first day of the faggot-laying, even in the midst of my sense of omnipotence, by one thing, which made me give some kicks to the motor: for it was only crawling, so that a good part of the way I was stalking by its side; and when I came to that hill near the Old Dover Road, the whole thing stopped, and refused to move, the weight of the train being too great for my horse-power traction. I did not know what to do, and stood there in angry impotence a full half-hour, for the notion of setting up an electric station, with or without automatic stoking-gear, presented so hideous a picture of labour to me, that I would not entertain it. After a time, however, I thought that I remembered that there was a comparatively new power station in St. Paneras driven by turbines: and at once, I uncoupled the motor, covered the drays with the tarpaulins, and went driving at singing speed, choosing the emptier by-streets, and not caring whom I crushed. After some trouble I found, in fact, the station in an obscure by-street made of two long walls, and went in by a window, a rage upon me to have my will quickly accomplished. I ran up some stairs, across two rooms, into a gallery containing a switch-board, and in the room below saw the works, all very neat-looking, but, as I soon found, very dusty. I went down, and fixed upon a generating set—there were three—that would give a decent load, and then saw that the switch-gear belonging to this particular generator was in order. I then got some cloths and thoroughly cleaned the dust off the commutators; ran next—for I was in a strange fierce haste—and turned the water into the turbines, and away went the engine; I hurried to set the lubricators running on the bearings, and in a couple of minutes had adjusted the speed, and the brushes of the generators, and switched the current on to the line. By this time, however, I saw that it was getting dark, and feared that little could be done that day; still, I hurried out, the station still running, got into the car, and was off to look for a good electric one, of which there are hosts in the streets, in order at least to clean up and adjust the motor that night. I drove down three by-streets, till I turned into Euston Road: but I had no sooner reached it than I pulled up—with sudden jerk—with a shout of astonishment.

I felt devastated on that first day of laying the faggots, even with my sense of power, because of one thing that made me kick the motor: it was only crawling, so I ended up walking beside it for a good part of the way. When I got to that hill near the Old Dover Road, the whole thing stopped and refused to move; the weight of the train was too much for my horsepower. I didn’t know what to do and stood there in angry frustration for a full half-hour because the idea of setting up an electric station, with or without automatic stoking gear, seemed like such a daunting task that I wouldn’t consider it. After a while, I remembered that there was a fairly new power station in St. Pancras powered by turbines. So, I uncoupled the motor, covered the drays with tarps, and drove off at full speed, taking the less crowded side streets and not caring about who I might hit. After some trouble, I actually found the station tucked away in an obscure side street; it was just two long walls. I went in through a window, filled with rage to get my job done quickly. I ran up some stairs, across two rooms, to a gallery with a switchboard, and below that, I saw the machinery, all looking neat but, as I quickly discovered, very dusty. I went downstairs and picked a generating set—there were three—that could handle a decent load, and I noticed the switchgear for this generator was in good shape. I grabbed some cloths and cleaned the dust off the commutators, then ran to turn the water onto the turbines, and the engine started right up. I rushed to get the lubricators running on the bearings, adjusted the speed, and set the brushes of the generators, switching the current onto the line. By this time, though, I noticed it was getting dark and feared that not much more could be done that day. Still, I hurried out, the station still running, got back into the car, and headed off to look for a good electric one, as there were plenty on the streets, at least to clean and adjust the motor that night. I drove down three side streets until I turned onto Euston Road: but as soon as I reached it, I slammed on the brakes with a sudden jolt and shouted in astonishment.

That cursed street was all lighted up and gay! and three shimmering electric globes, not far apart, illuminated every feature of a ghastly battle-field of dead.

That cursed street was all lit up and cheerful! Three bright electric bulbs, spaced not too far apart, shone on every detail of a grim battlefield filled with the dead.

And there was a thing there, the grinning impression of which I shall carry to my grave: a thing which spelled and spelled at me, and ceased, and began again, and ceased, and spelled at me. For, above a shop which faced me was a flag, a red flag with white letters, fluttering on the gale the words: 'Metcalfe's Stores'; and beneath the flag, stretched right across the house, was the thing which spelled, letter by letter, in letters of light: and it spelled two words, deliberately, coming to the end, and going back to recommence:

And there was something there, the grinning impression of which I will carry to my grave: something that kept spelling at me, and then stopped, and started again, and stopped, and spelled at me. Because above a shop facing me was a flag, a red flag with white letters, fluttering in the wind with the words: 'Metcalfe's Stores'; and beneath the flag, stretched right across the building, was the thing that spelled, letter by letter, in lights: and it spelled two words, deliberately, finishing one and going back to start again:

Drink
ROBORAL.

Drink
ROBORAL.

And that was the last word of civilised Man to me, Adam Jeffson—its final counsel—its ultimate gospel and message—to me, my good God! Drink Roboral!

And that was the last word from civilized Man to me, Adam Jeffson—its final advice—its ultimate truth and message—to me, my good God! Drink Roboral!

I was put into such a passion of rage by this blatant ribaldry, which affected me like the laughter of a skeleton, that I rushed from the car, with the intention, I believe, of seeking stones to stone it: but no stones were there: and I had to stand impotently enduring that rape of my eyes, its victoriously-dogged iteration, its taunting leer, its Drink Roboral—D, R, I, N, K R, O, B, O, R, A, L.

I was filled with such intense anger by this obvious mockery, which hit me like the laugh of a skeleton, that I jumped out of the car, intending, I think, to find stones to throw at it: but there were no stones around: and I had to stand helplessly, suffering through that assault on my eyes, its relentlessly annoying repetition, its mocking grin, its Drink Roboral—D, R, I, N, K R, O, B, O, R, A, L.

It was one of those electrical spelling-advertisements, worked by a small motor commutator driven by a works-motor, and I had now set it going: for on some night before that Sabbath of doom the chemist must have set it to work, but finding the works abandoned, had not troubled to shut it down again. At any rate, this thing stopped my work for that day, for when I went to shut down the works it was night; and I drove to the place which I had made my home in sullen and weary mood: for I knew that Roboral would not cure the least of all my sores.

It was one of those electric neon signs, operated by a small motor and a commutator powered by the main motor, and I had just turned it on. Some night before that doomed Sabbath, the chemist must have started it, but realizing the place was abandoned, hadn’t bothered to turn it off again. In any case, this thing interrupted my work for the day because when I went to shut down the operation, it was already night; I drove back to the place I had made my home feeling gloomy and exhausted, knowing that Roboral wouldn’t help with any of my problems.


The next morning I awoke in quite another frame of mind, disposed to idle, and let things go. After rising, dressing, washing in cold diluted rose-water, and descending to the salle-à-manger, where I had laid my morning-meal the previous evening, I promenaded an hour the only one of these long sombrous tufted corridors in which there were not more than two dead, though behind the doors on either hand, all of which I had locked, I knew that they lay in plenty. When I was warmed, I again went down, looked into my motor, got three cylinders from one of a number of motors standing near, lit up, and drove away—to Woolwich, as I thought at first: but instead of crossing the river by Blackfriars, I went more eastward; and having passed from Holborn into Cheapside, which was impassable, unless I crawled, was about to turn, when I noticed a phonograph-shop: into this I got by a side-door, suddenly seized by quite a curiosity to hear what I might hear. I took a good one with microphone diaphragm, and a number of record-cylinders in a brass-handled box, and I put them into the car, for there was still a very strong peach-odour in this closed shop, which displeased me. I then proceeded southward and westward through by-streets, seeking some probable house into which to go from the rough cold winds, when I saw the Parliament-house, and thither, turning river-ward by Westminster Hall to Palace Yard, I went, and with my two parcels, one weighting each arm, walked into this old place along a line of purple-dusted busts; I deposited my boxes on a table beside a massive brass thing lying there, which, I suppose, must be what they called the Mace; and I sat to hear.

The next morning, I woke up feeling completely different, ready to relax and let things be. After getting up, dressing, washing my face with cold diluted rose water, and heading down to the salle-à-manger, where I had prepared my breakfast the night before, I strolled for an hour through the long, dark, tufted corridors, where there were no more than two dead bodies visible, even though I knew there were plenty hidden behind the doors on either side, all of which I had locked. Once I warmed up, I went back down, checked my motor, took three cylinders from one of the several motors parked nearby, started it up, and drove off. Initially, I thought I was heading to Woolwich, but instead of crossing the river by Blackfriars, I went further east. After moving from Holborn into Cheapside, which was impassable unless I crawled, I was about to turn back when I noticed a phonograph shop. I entered through a side door, suddenly curious to hear what was inside. I picked a good phonograph with a microphone diaphragm and grabbed a box with several record cylinders. I placed them in the car, as the strong peach scent lingering in the closed shop was not pleasant. I then headed south and west through side streets, looking for a likely place to escape the harsh cold winds when I saw the Parliament House. So, I turned towards the river by Westminster Hall and made my way to Palace Yard, carrying my two parcels, one in each arm. I walked into this historic building along a line of purple-dusted busts, set my boxes down on a table next to a large brass object, which I assumed was what they called the Mace, and sat down to listen.

Unfortunately, the phonograph was a clock-work one, and when I wound it, it would not go: so that I got very angry at my absurdity in not bringing an electric mechanism, as I could with much less trouble have put in a chemical than cleaned the clock-work; and this thing put me into such a rage, that I nearly tore it to pieces, and was half for kicking it: but there was a man sitting in an old straight-backed chair quite near me, which they called the Speaker's Chair, who was in such a pose, that he had, every time I glanced suddenly at him, precisely the air of bending forward with interest to watch what I was doing, a Mohrgrabim kind of man, almost black, with Jewish nose, crinkled hair, keffie, and flowing robe, probably, I should say, an Abyssinian Galla; with him were only five or six people about the benches, mostly leaning forward with rested head, so that this place had quite a void sequestered mood. At all events, this Galla, or Bedouin, with his grotesque interest in my doings, restrained my hands: and, finally, by dint of peering, poking, dusting, and adjusting, in an hour's time I got the phonograph to go very well.

Unfortunately, the phonograph was a wind-up model, and when I tried to wind it, it wouldn't work. This made me really frustrated with myself for not bringing an electric one. It would have been much easier to install a chemical mechanism than to fix the clockwork. I was so upset that I nearly smashed it and was tempted to kick it. Then, I noticed a man sitting nearby in an old straight-backed chair, called the Speaker's Chair. Every time I looked at him, he seemed to lean forward with interest to watch what I was doing. He looked like a Mohrgrabim, almost black, with a Jewish nose, curly hair, a keffiyeh, and a flowing robe—probably an Abyssinian Galla. There were only five or six other people around, mostly leaning forward with their heads resting, which made the place feel quite quiet and secluded. At any rate, this Galla, or Bedouin, with his quirky interest in my actions, kept me from losing my temper. Eventually, after a lot of peering, poking, dusting, and adjusting, I managed to get the phonograph to work really well after an hour.

And all that morning, and far into late afternoon, forgetful of food, and of the cold which gradually possessed me, I sat there listening, musing—cylinder after cylinder: frivolous songs, orchestras, voices of famous men whom I had spoken with, and shaken their solid hands, speaking again to me, but thick-tongued, with hoarse effort and gurgles, from out the vague void beyond the grave: most strange, most strange. And the third cylinder that I put on, ah, I knew, with a fearful start, that voice of thunder, I knew it well: it was the preacher, Mackay's; and many, many times over I heard those words of his that day, originally spoken, it seems, when the cloud had just passed the longitude of Vienna; and in all that torrent of speech not one single word of 'I told you so': but he cries:

And all that morning, and well into the late afternoon, forgetting about food and the cold that slowly took hold of me, I sat there listening and reflecting—cylinder after cylinder: light-hearted songs, orchestras, voices of famous people I had talked to and shaken their strong hands, speaking to me again, but thick-tongued, with hoarse effort and gurgles, from the vague void beyond the grave: so strange, so strange. And the third cylinder I played, oh, I recognized that thunderous voice with a jolt of fear, I knew it well: it was the preacher, Mackay's; and many, many times that day I heard his words, originally spoken, it seems, when the cloud had just passed over Vienna; and in all that rush of speech, not one single word of 'I told you so': but he cries:

'...praise Him, O Earth, for He is He: and if He slay me, I will laugh raillery at His Sword, and banter Him to His face: for His Sword is sharp Mercy, and His poisons kill my death. Fear not, therefore, little flock of Man! but take my comfort to your heart to-night, and my sweets to your tongue: for though ye have sinned, and hardened yourselves as brass, and gone far, far astray in these latter wildernesses, yet He is infinitely greater than your sin, and will lead you back. Break not, break not, poor broken heart of Earth: for from Him I run herald to thee this night with the sweet and secret message, that of old He chose thee, and once mixed conjugally with thee in an ancient sleep, O Afflicted: and He is thou, and thou art He, flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and if thou perish utterly, it is that He has perished utterly, too: for thou art He. Hope, therefore, most, and cheeriest smile, at the very apsis and black nadir of Despair: for He is nimble as a weasel, and He twists like Proteus, and His solstices and equinoxes, His tropics and turning-points and recurrences are innate in Being, and when He falls He falls like harlequin and shuttlecocks, shivering plumb to His feet, and each third day, lo, He is risen again, and His defeats are but the stepping-stones and rough scaffolding from which He builds His Parthenons, and from the densest basalt gush His rills, and the last end of this Earth shall be no poison-cloud, I say to you, but Carnival and Harvest-home ... though ye have sinned, poor hearts ...'

'...praise Him, O Earth, for He is who He is: and even if He were to slay me, I would mock His Sword with laughter and tease Him to His face: for His Sword is sharp Mercy, and His poisons kill my death. So don’t be afraid, little flock of Humanity! Instead, let my comfort fill your hearts tonight, and let my sweetness touch your lips: for even if you have sinned, hardened yourselves like brass, and strayed far, far off in these later wildernesses, He is far greater than your sin and will guide you back. Don’t break, don’t break, poor broken heart of Earth: for I come bearing a sweet and secret message tonight: that long ago, He chose you and once intimately mingled with you in an ancient slumber, O Afflicted: and He is you, and you are Him, flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and if you perish completely, it’s because He has perished completely too: for you are Him. So hope, therefore, the most, and wear your brightest smile, even at the very lowest point of Despair: for He is quick as a weasel, and He twists like Proteus, and His solstices and equinoxes, His tropics and turning points and recurrences are inherent in Existence, and when He falls, He falls like a jester and shuttlecocks, tumbling straight to His feet, and every third day, behold, He rises again, and His defeats are just the stepping-stones and rough framework from which He builds His Parthenons, and from the densest basalt springs His streams, and the final outcome of this Earth will not be a toxic cloud, I assure you, but a celebration and harvest festival ... even though you have sinned, poor hearts ...'


So Mackay, with thick-tongued metallic effort. I found this brown room of the Commons-house, with its green benches, and grilled galleries, so agreeable to my mood, that I went again the next morning, and listened to more records, till they tired me: for what I had was a prurient itch to hear secret scandals, and revelations of the festering heart, but these cylinders, gathered from a shop, divulged nothing. I then went out to make for Woolwich, but in the car saw the poet's note-book in which I had written: and I took it, went back, and was writing an hour, till I was tired of that, too; and judging it too late for Woolwich that day, wandered about the dusty committee-rooms and recesses of this considerable place. In one room another foolishness suddenly seized upon me, shewing how my slightest whim has become more imperious within me than all the Jaws of the Medes and Persians: for in that room, Committee Room No. 15, I found an apparently young policeman lying flat on his back, who pleased me: his helmet tilted under his head, and near one white-gloved hand a blue official envelope; the air of that stagnant quiet room was still perceptibly peach-scented, and he gave not the slightest odour that I could detect, though he had been corporal and stalwart, his face now the colour of dark ashes, in each hollow cheek a ragged hole about the size of a sixpence, the flimsy vaulted eye-lids well embedded in their caverns, from under whose fringe of eye-lash seemed whispered the word: 'Eternity.' His hair seemed very long for a policeman, or perhaps it had grown since death; but what interested me about him, was the envelope at his hand: for 'what,' I asked myself, 'was this fellow doing here with an envelope at three o'clock on a Sunday afternoon?' This made me look closer, and then I saw by a mark at the left temple that he had been shot, or felled; whereupon I was thrown into quite a great rage, for I thought that this poor man was killed in the execution of his duty, when many of his kind perhaps, and many higher than he, had fled their post to pray or riot. So, after looking at him a long time, I said to him: 'Well, D. 47, you sleep very well: and you did well, dying so: I am pleased with you, and to mark my favour, I decree that you shall neither rot in the common air, nor burn in the common flames: for by my own hand shall you be distinguished with burial.' And this wind so possessed me, that I at once went out: with the crow-bar from the car I broke the window of a near iron-monger's in Parliament Street, got a spade, and went into Westminster Abbey. I soon prised up a grave-slab of some famous man in the north transept, and commenced to shovel: but, I do not know how, by the time I had digged a foot the whole impulse passed from me: I left off the work, promising to resume it: but nothing was ever done, for the next day I was at Woolwich, and busy enough about other matters.

So Mackay, with a thick, metallic effort, I found this brown room in the Commons, with its green benches and grilled galleries, so suited to my mood that I went back the next morning to listen to more records until they bored me. I had a strong desire to hear secret scandals and revelations of hidden corruption, but these cylinders, picked up from a shop, revealed nothing. I then decided to head to Woolwich, but while in the car, I noticed the poet's notebook I had written in, so I took it, went back, and spent an hour writing until I grew tired of that as well. Realizing it was too late to go to Woolwich that day, I wandered around the dusty committee rooms and corners of this significant place. In one room, a sudden impulse struck me, showing how my slightest desire has become more commanding than any law: for in that room, Committee Room No. 15, I found what appeared to be a young policeman lying flat on his back, and he intrigued me. His helmet was tilted under his head, and near one of his white-gloved hands was a blue official envelope. The air in that still, quiet room was faintly peach-scented, and he gave off no detectable scent, even though he had been a sturdy corporal. His face was the color of dark ashes, with each hollow cheek sporting a ragged hole about the size of a sixpence. His flimsy, vaulted eyelids were deeply set, from under which a fringe of eyelashes seemed to whisper the word: 'Eternity.' His hair seemed very long for a policeman or perhaps it had grown since his death; but what caught my interest was the envelope at his side. "What," I wondered, "was this guy doing here with an envelope at three o'clock on a Sunday afternoon?" This made me look closer, and I noticed a mark on his left temple that suggested he had been shot or knocked down; this filled me with considerable anger as I thought this poor man was killed while doing his duty, while many of his colleagues—perhaps many higher-ups—had fled to pray or riot. After staring at him for a long time, I said to him: "Well, D. 47, you sleep very well: and you did well to die this way. I admire you, and to show my favor, I declare that you shall neither rot in the open air nor burn in common flames: by my own hand, you shall receive a proper burial." This determination took hold of me, and I immediately went out: using the crowbar from the car, I broke the window of a nearby ironmonger's in Parliament Street, grabbed a spade, and headed to Westminster Abbey. I quickly pried open a grave slab of some famous person in the north transept and started to dig, but for some reason, by the time I had dug a foot, the whole impulse left me. I stopped the work, promising to continue later, but nothing was ever done, as the next day I was in Woolwich, busy with other matters.


During the next nine days I worked with a fever on me, and a map of London before me.

During the next nine days, I worked feverishly with a fever and a map of London in front of me.

There were places in that city!—secrets, vastnesses, horrors! In the wine-vaults at London Docks was a vat which must certainly have contained between twenty and thirty thousand gallons: and with dancing heart I laid a train there; the tobacco-warehouse must have covered eighty acres: and there I laid a fuse. In a house near Regent's Park, standing in a garden, and shut from the street by a high wall, I saw a thing...! and what shapes a great city hid I now first know.

There were spots in that city!—mysteries, expanses, terrors! In the wine cellars at London Docks was a vat that must have held between twenty and thirty thousand gallons: and with a racing heart I set up a charge there; the tobacco warehouse must have spanned eighty acres: and there I laid a fuse. In a house near Regent's Park, standing in a garden and blocked from the street by a tall wall, I saw something...! and now I finally understand what forms a big city keeps hidden.


I left no quarter unremembered, taking a train, no longer of four, but of eight, vehicles, drawn by an electric motor which I re-charged every morning, mostly from the turbine station in St. Pancras, once from a steam-station with very small engine and dynamo, found in the Palace Theatre, which gave little trouble, and once from a similar little station in a Strand hotel. With these I visited West Ham and Kew, Finchley and Clapham, Dalston and Marylebone; I exhausted London; I deposited piles in the Guildhall, in Holloway Gaol, in the new pillared Justice-hall of Newgate, in the Tower, in the Parliament-house, in St. Giles' Workhouse, in the Crypt and under the organ of St. Paul's, in the South Kensington Museum, in the Royal Agricultural Society, in Whiteley's place, in the Trinity House, in Liverpool Street, in the Office of Works, in the secret recesses of the British Museum; in a hundred inflammable warehouses, in five hundred shops, in a thousand private dwellings. And I timed them all for ignition at midnight of the 23rd April.

I made sure to remember everything, taking a train that was no longer just four cars but eight, pulled by an electric motor that I charged every morning, mostly from the power station at St. Pancras, once from a small steam station with a tiny engine and dynamo I found in the Palace Theatre, which caused little trouble, and once from a similar small station in a hotel on the Strand. With this setup, I visited West Ham and Kew, Finchley and Clapham, Dalston and Marylebone; I covered every inch of London. I delivered loads to the Guildhall, Holloway Gaol, the new pillared Justice Hall of Newgate, the Tower, the Parliament House, St. Giles' Workhouse, the Crypt and underneath the organ at St. Paul's, the South Kensington Museum, the Royal Agricultural Society, Whiteley's, Trinity House, Liverpool Street, the Office of Works, and the hidden corners of the British Museum; in a hundred flammable warehouses, in five hundred shops, and in a thousand private homes. And I set them all to ignite at midnight on April 23rd.

By five in the afternoon of the 22nd, when I left my train in Maida Vale, and drove alone to the solitary house on high ground near Hampstead Heath which I had chosen, the work was well finished.

By five in the afternoon on the 22nd, when I got off my train in Maida Vale and drove alone to the secluded house on elevated land near Hampstead Heath that I had picked out, the work was mostly done.


The great morning dawned, and I was early a-stir: for I had much to do that day.

The big morning arrived, and I was up early because I had a lot to do that day.

I intended to make for the sea-shore the next morning, and had therefore to choose a good petrol motor, store it, and have it in a place of safety; I had also to drag another vehicle after me, stored with trunks of time-fuses, books, clothes, and other little things.

I planned to head to the beach the next morning, so I needed to pick a reliable gas motor, store it, and keep it somewhere safe; I also needed to tow another vehicle loaded with time-fuses, books, clothes, and other random stuff.

My first journey was to Woolwich, whence I took all that I might ever require in the way of mechanism; thence to the National Gallery, where I cut from their frames the 'Vision of St. Helena,' Murillo's 'Boy Drinking,' and 'Christ at the Column'; and thence to the Embassy to bathe, anoint myself, and dress.

My first trip was to Woolwich, where I gathered everything I might ever need in terms of tools. Then I went to the National Gallery, where I took down the 'Vision of St. Helena,' Murillo's 'Boy Drinking,' and 'Christ at the Column' from their frames. After that, I headed to the Embassy to wash up, apply some oil, and get dressed.

As I had anticipated, and hoped, a blustering spring gale was blowing from the north.

As I expected and hoped, a strong spring wind was blowing in from the north.

Even as I set out from Hampstead, about 9 A.M., I had been able to guess that some of my fuses had somehow anticipated the appointed hour: for I saw three red hazes at various points in the air, and heard the far vague booming of an occasional explosion; and by 11 A.M. I felt sure that a large region of north-eastern London must be in flames. With the solemn feelings of bridegrooms and marriage-mornings—with a flinching, a flinching heart, God knows, yet a heart up-buoyed on thrilling joys—I went about making preparations for the Gargantuan orgy of the night.

Even as I left Hampstead around 9 A.M., I could tell that some of my fuses had somehow gone off early: I saw three red flickers in the air and heard the distant, faint booming of occasional explosions; by 11 A.M., I was certain that a large area of northeastern London must be on fire. With the serious feelings of a groom on his wedding morning—feeling nervous, yes, but also filled with excitement—I went about preparing for the massive party of the night.


The house at Hampstead, which no doubt still stands, is of rather pleasing design in quite a stone and rural style, with good breadths of wall-surface, two plain coped gables, mullioned windows, and oversailing slate verge roofs, but, rather spoiling it, a high square three-storied tower at the south-east angle, on the topmost floor of which I had slept the previous night. There I had provided myself with a jar of pale tobacco mixed with rose-leaves and opium, found in a foreign house in Seymour Street, also a genuine Saloniki hookah, together with the best wines, nuts, and so on, and a gold harp of the musician Krasinski, stamped with his name, taken from his house in Portland Street.

The house in Hampstead, which is probably still there, has a rather attractive design in a rustic stone style, with nice large wall surfaces, two simple gabled roofs, mullioned windows, and overhanging slate eaves. However, a high square three-story tower at the southeast corner kind of ruins it, where I had slept the night before. There, I had set myself up with a jar of light tobacco mixed with rose petals and opium, which I found in a foreign home on Seymour Street, along with a genuine Saloniki hookah, some of the best wines, nuts, and a gold harp by the musician Krasinski, marked with his name, taken from his house on Portland Street.

But so much did I find to do that day, and so many odd things turned up which I thought that I would take with me, that it was not till near six that I drove finally northward through Camden Town. And now an ineffable awe possessed my soul at the solemn noise which everywhere encompassed me, an ineffable awe, a blissful terror. Never, never could I have dreamed of aught so great and potent. All above my head there rushed southward with wide-spread wing of haste a sparkling smoke; and mixed with the immense roaring I heard mysterious hubbubs of tumblings and rumblings, which I could not at all comprehend, like the moving-about of furniture in the houses of Titans; while pervading all the air was a most weird and tearful sound, as it were threnody, and a wild wail of pain, and dying swan-songs, and all lamentations and tribulations of the world. Yet I was aware that, at an hour so early, the flames must be far from general; in fact, they had not well commenced.

But I found so much to do that day, and so many unique things appeared that I thought I would take with me, that it wasn't until nearly six that I finally drove north through Camden Town. At that moment, an indescribable awe filled my soul with a solemn noise all around me, a blissful terror. I could have never imagined anything so grand and powerful. Above my head, a shimmering smoke rushed southward, spreading its wings in haste; mixed with the immense roar, I heard mysterious noises of rumbling and crashing that I couldn’t fully understand, like furniture being moved in the homes of giants. The air was filled with a strange, sorrowful sound, like a mournful song and a wild wail of pain, along with the dying swan songs and all the laments and struggles of the world. Yet, I knew that at such an early hour, the flames must be far from widespread; in fact, they hadn’t really begun.


As I had left a good semicircular region of houses, with a radius of four hundred yards, without combustibles to the south of the isolated house which I was to occupy, and as the wind was so strongly from the north, I simply left my two vehicles at the door of the house, without fear of any injury: nor did any occur. I then went up to the top of the tower, lit the candles, and ate voraciously of the dinner which I had left ready, for since the morning I had taken nothing; and then, with hands and heart that quivered, I arranged the clothes of the low spring-bed upon which to throw my frame in the morning hours. Opposite the wall, where lay the bed, was a Gothic window, pretty large, with low sill, hung with poppy-figured muslin, and looking directly south, so that I could recline at ease in the red-velvet easy-chair, and see. It had evidently been a young lady's room: for on the toilette were cut-glass bottles, a plait of brown hair, powders, rouge-aux-lèvres, one little bronze slipper, and knick-knacks, and I loved her and hated her, though I did not see her anywhere. About half-past eight I sat at the window to watch, all being arranged and ready at my right hand, the candles extinguished in the red room: for the theatre was opened, was opened: and the atmosphere of this earth seemed turned into Hell, and Hell was in my soul.

As I had left a good semicircular area of houses, about four hundred yards wide, without any flammable materials south of the isolated house I was going to stay in, and since the wind was blowing strongly from the north, I just left my two vehicles at the door of the house without worrying about any damage: and nothing happened. I then went up to the top of the tower, lit the candles, and devoured the dinner I had prepared earlier, since I hadn’t eaten anything since the morning; and then, with trembling hands and a racing heart, I arranged the bedding on the low spring mattress where I would lie down in the morning. Opposite the wall where the bed was located, there was a fairly large Gothic window with a low sill, draped with poppy-patterned muslin, facing directly south, so I could comfortably recline in the red velvet armchair and enjoy the view. It clearly had been a young lady's room: on the dresser were cut-glass bottles, a braid of brown hair, powders, lipstick, a little bronze slipper, and various knick-knacks, and I both loved and hated her, even though I didn’t see her anywhere. Around half-past eight, I sat at the window to watch, everything arranged and ready at my right hand, the candles snuffed out in the red room: for the stage was set, it was open: and the atmosphere of this world seemed transformed into Hell, and Hell was in my soul.


Soon after midnight there was a sudden and very visible increase in the conflagration. On all hands I began to see blazing structures soar, with grand hurrahs, on high. In fives and tens, in twenties and thirties, all between me and the remote limit of my vision, they leapt, they lingered long, they fell. My spirit more and more felt, and danced—deeper mysteries of sensation, sweeter thrills. I sipped exquisitely, I drew out enjoyment leisurely. Anon, when some more expansive angel of flame would arise from the Pit with steady aspiration, and linger with outspread arms, and burst, I would lift a little from the chair, leaning forward to clap, as at some famous acting; or I would call to them in shouts of cheer, giving them the names of Woman. For now I seemed to see nothing but some bellowing pandemonic universe through crimson glasses, and the air was wildly hot, and my eye-balls like theirs that walk staring in the inner midst of burning fiery furnaces, and my skin itched with a fierce and prickly itch. Anon I touched the chords of the harp to the air of Wagner's 'Walküren-ritt.'

Soon after midnight, there was a sudden and very noticeable increase in the fire. Everywhere I looked, I saw blazing buildings shoot up, accompanied by loud cheers, high into the sky. In groups of five, ten, twenty, and thirty, they jumped, hung in the air for a while, then fell. My spirit felt more and more alive, dancing with deeper sensations and sweeter thrills. I savored the moment, taking my time to enjoy it. Then, when a larger angel of flame would rise from the Pit with a steady ascent, stretching out its arms and exploding, I would rise slightly from my chair, leaning forward to clap, as if at a great performance; or I would shout encouragement, calling them by the name of Woman. At that moment, it felt like I was seeing nothing but a roaring, chaotic universe through red glasses, the air was intensely hot, and my eyes were like those who walk, staring in the heart of blazing furnaces, while my skin itched with a sharp, prickly sensation. Then, I touched the strings of the harp to the tune of Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries.'

Near three in the morning, I reached the climax of my guilty sweets. My drunken eye-lids closed in a luxury of pleasure, and my lips lay stretched in a smile that dribbled; a sensation of dear peace, of almighty power, consoled me: for now the whole area which through streaming tears I surveyed, mustering its ten thousand thunders, and brawling beyond the stars the voice of its southward-rushing torment, billowed to the horizon one grand Atlantic of smokeless and flushing flame; and in it sported and washed themselves all the fiends of Hell, with laughter, shouts, wild flights, and holiday; and I—first of my race—had flashed a signal to the nearer planets....

Near three in the morning, I hit the peak of my guilty pleasures. My heavy eyelids closed with a sense of indulgence, and my lips stretched into a smile that dripped; a feeling of sweet peace and immense power comforted me. For now, the entire landscape that I had surveyed through streaming tears, gathering its countless roars, and raging beyond the stars with the sound of its southward-sweeping agony, spread out to the horizon like one vast ocean of smokeless and vibrant flames; and in it danced and cleansed themselves all the demons of Hell, with laughter, shouts, wild flights, and celebration; and I—first of my kind—had sent a signal to the nearby planets....



Those words: 'signal to the nearer planets' I wrote nearly fourteen months ago, some days after the destruction of London, I being then on board the old Boreal, making for the coast of France: for the night was dark, though calm, and I was afraid of running into some ship, yet not sleepy, so I wrote to occupy my fingers, the ship lying still. The book in which I wrote has been near me: but no impulse to write anything has visited me, till now I continue; not, however, that I have very much to put down.

Those words: 'signal to the nearer planets' I wrote nearly fourteen months ago, just a few days after London was destroyed, while I was on board the old Boreal, heading towards the coast of France. It was a dark night, but calm, and I was worried about crashing into another ship. I wasn't sleepy, so I wrote to keep my hands busy while the ship floated motionless. The notebook I wrote in has been close to me, but I haven't felt the urge to write anything until now. Still, I don’t have much to say.

I had no intention of wearing out my life in lighting fires every morning to warm myself in the inhospitable island of Britain, and set out to France with the view of seeking some palace in the Riviera, Spain, or perhaps Algiers, there, for the present at least, to make my home.

I had no plans to spend my life waking up every morning to light fires just to keep warm on the chilly island of Britain, so I headed to France with the intention of finding a nice place along the Riviera, Spain, or maybe even Algiers, to settle down for now.

I started from Calais toward the end of April, taking my things along, the first two days by train, and then determining that I was in no hurry, and a petrol motor easier, took one, and maintained a generally southern and somewhat eastern direction, ever-anew astonished at the wildness of the forest vegetation which, within so short a space since the disappearance of man, chokes this pleasant land, even before the definite advent of summer.

I set off from Calais at the end of April, bringing my belongings with me. For the first two days, I traveled by train, but then I decided I wasn't in a rush and that a motorbike would be easier. I generally headed south and a bit east, constantly amazed by how wild the forest vegetation had become in such a short time since people disappeared, completely overtaking this beautiful area even before summer officially arrived.

After three weeks of very slow travelling—for though I know several countries very well, France with her pavered villages, hilly character, vines, forests, and primeval country-manner, is always new and charming to me—after three weeks I came unexpectedly to a valley which had never entered my head; and the moment that I saw it, I said: 'Here I will live,' though I had no idea what it was, for the monastery which I saw did not look at all like a monastery, according to my ideas: but when I searched the map, I discovered that it must be La Chartreuse de Vauclaire in Périgord.

After three weeks of really slow travel—because even though I know several countries well, France with its cobblestone villages, rolling hills, vineyards, forests, and ancient countryside is always fresh and delightful to me—after three weeks, I unexpectedly stumbled upon a valley that had never crossed my mind; and the moment I saw it, I thought, 'This is where I want to live,' even though I had no clue what it was, since the monastery I saw didn't fit my idea of a monastery at all: but when I looked at the map, I found out it must be La Chartreuse de Vauclaire in Périgord.

It is my belief that this word 'Vauclaire' is nothing else than a corruption of the Latin Vallis Clara, or Bright Valley, for l's and u's did interchange about in this way, I remember: cheval becoming chevau(x) in the plural, like 'fool' and 'fou,' and the rest: which proves the dear laziness of French people, for the 'l' was too much trouble for them to sing, and when they came to two 'l's' they quite succumbed, shying that vault, or voute, and calling it some y. But at any rate, this Vauclaire, or Valclear, was well named: for here, if anywhere, is Paradise, and if anyone knew how and where to build and brew liqueurs, it was those good old monks, who followed their Master with entrain in that Cana miracle, and in many other things, I fancy, but aesthetically shirked to say to any mountain: 'Be thou removed.'

I believe the word 'Vauclaire' is just a corrupted version of the Latin Vallis Clara, meaning Bright Valley. The letters l' and u' used to swap places like this: cheval became chevau(x) in the plural, similar to 'fool' and 'fou,' and so on. This shows the typical laziness of the French, as they found the 'l' too difficult to pronounce, and when faced with two 'l's, they gave up, avoiding that vault, or voute, and calling it something with a y instead. Regardless, this Vauclaire, or Valclear, is aptly named: because here, if anywhere, is Paradise. If anyone knew how to create and distill liqueurs, it was those good old monks, who eagerly followed their Master during that miracle at Cana and in many other ways, I believe, but aesthetically chose not to tell any mountain: 'Be thou removed.'


The general hue of the vale is a deep cerulean, resembling that blue of the robes of Albertinelli's Madonnas; so, at least, it strikes the eye on a clear forenoon of spring or summer. The monastery consists of an oblong space, or garth, around three sides of which stand sixteen small houses, with regular intervals between, all identical, the cells of the fathers; between the oblong space and the cells come the cloisters, with only one opening to the exterior; in the western part of the oblong is a little square of earth under a large cypress-shade, within which, as in a home of peace, it sleeps: and there, straight and slanting, stand little plain black crosses over graves....

The overall color of the valley is a deep blue, similar to the blue of Albertinelli's Madonnas; at least, that's how it appears to the eye on a clear spring or summer morning. The monastery is made up of an elongated area, or courtyard, surrounded on three sides by sixteen identical small houses, evenly spaced apart, which serve as the fathers' cells. Between the courtyard and the cells are the cloisters, with just one opening to the outside; in the western part of the courtyard is a small patch of ground shaded by a large cypress tree, where it rests peacefully; and there, both straight and leaning, stand small plain black crosses marking the graves...

To the west of the quadrangle is the church, with the hostelry, and an asphalted court with some trees and a fountain; and beyond, the entrance-gate.

To the west of the courtyard is the church, along with the inn, and a paved courtyard with a few trees and a fountain; and beyond that, the entrance gate.

All this stands on a hill of gentle slope, green as grass; and it is backed close against a steep mountain-side, of which the tree-trunks are conjectural, for I never saw any, the trees resembling rather one continuous leafy tree-top, run out high and far over the extent of the mountain.

All this sits on a gently sloping hill, as green as grass; and it's right up against a steep mountainside, where the tree trunks are a guess since I've never seen any, the trees look more like one continuous leafy canopy, extending high and wide over the mountain.


I was there four months, till something drove me away. I do not know what had become of the fathers and brothers, for I only found five, four of whom I took in two journeys in the motor beyond the church of Saint Martial d'Artenset, and left them there; and the fifth remained three weeks with me, for I would not disturb him in his prayer. He was a bearded brother of forty years or thereabouts, who knelt in his cell robed and hooded in all his phantom white: for in no way different from whatever is most phantom, visionary and eerie must a procession of these people have seemed by gloaming, or dark night This particular brother knelt, I say, in his small chaste room, glaring upward at his Christ, who hung long-armed in a little recess between the side of three narrow bookshelves and a projection of the wall; and under the Christ a gilt and blue Madonna; the books on the three shelves few, leaning different ways. His right elbow rested on a square plain table, at which was a wooden chair; behind him, in a corner, the bed: a bed all enclosed in dark boards, a broad perpendicular board along the foot, reaching the ceiling, a horizontal board at the side over which he got into bed, another narrower one like it at the ceiling for fringe and curtain, and another perpendicular one hiding the pillow, making the clean bed within a very shady and cosy little den, on the wall of this den being another smaller Christ and a little picture. On the perpendicular board at the foot hung two white garments, and over a second chair at the bed-side another: all very neat and holy. He was a large stern man, blond as corn, but with some red, too, in his hairy beard; and appalling was the significance of those eyes that prayed, and the long-drawn cavity of those saffron cheeks. I cannot explain to myself my deep reverence for this man; but I had it, certainly. Many of the others, it is clear, had fled: but not he: and to the near-marching cloud he opposed the Cross, holding one real as the other—he alone among many. For Christianity was an élite religion, in which all were called, but few chosen, differing from Mohammedanism and Buddhism, which grasped and conquered all within their reach: the effect of Christ rather resembling Plato's and Dante's, it would seem: but Mahomet's more like Homer's and Shakespeare's.

I was there for four months until something pushed me away. I don't know what happened to the fathers and brothers, since I only found five of them. I took four of those in two trips in the car beyond the church of Saint Martial d'Artenset and left them there; the fifth stayed with me for three weeks, as I didn't want to disturb him while he prayed. He was a bearded brother around forty years old, who knelt in his cell, dressed in all white, looking like a ghost. A procession of these people must have appeared very ethereal and mysterious at dusk or in the dark of night. This particular brother knelt, as I mentioned, in his small, modest room, staring up at his Christ, who hung with outstretched arms in a little alcove between three narrow bookshelves and a part of the wall; below Christ was a gilded and blue Madonna, with the few books on the shelves leaning in different directions. His right elbow rested on a plain square table, next to which was a wooden chair; behind him, in a corner, was his bed: all enclosed in dark wood, with a broad vertical board at the foot reaching up to the ceiling, a horizontal board at the side where he climbed into bed, another narrower one like it at the top for a fringe and curtain, and another vertical one hiding the pillow, making the tidy bed feel like a cozy, tucked-away little nook, with another small Christ and a picture on the wall of this nook. On the vertical board at the foot of the bed hung two white garments, and over a second chair by the bedside was another set, all very neat and sacred. He was a large, serious man, as blonde as corn but with some red in his thick beard; the intensity of those praying eyes and the hollow space of those saffron cheeks was striking. I can't fully explain why I felt such deep respect for this man, but I certainly did. Many of the others had obviously fled, but he did not; he stood against the approaching storm with the Cross, holding one as firmly as the other—he alone among many. Christianity was an élite religion where everyone was called, but few were chosen, unlike Mohammedanism and Buddhism, which sought to encompass and convert all they reached. The impact of Christ seemed to resemble that of Plato and Dante, while Muhammad's was more akin to Homer and Shakespeare.

It was my way to plant at the portal the big, carved chair from the chancel on the hot days, and rest my soul, refusing to think of anything, drowsing and smoking for hours. All down there in the plain waved gardens of delicious fruit about the prolonged silver thread of the river Isle, whose course winds loitering quite near the foot of the monastery-slope. This slope dominates a tract of distance that is not only vast, but looks immense, although the horizon is bounded by a semicircle of low hills, rather too stiff and uniform for perfect beauty; the interval of plain being occupied by yellow ploughed lands which were never sown, weedy now, and crossed and recrossed by vividly-green ribbons of vine, with stretches of pale-green lucerne, orchards, and the white village of Monpont near the railway, all embowered, the Isle drawing its mercurial streams through the village-meadow, which is dark with shades of oaks: and to have played there a boy, and used it familiarly from birth as one's own hand or foot, must have been very sweet and homely; after this, the river divides, and takes the shape of a heart; and very far away are visible the grey banks of the Gironde. On the semicircle of hills, when there was little distance-mist, I saw the ruins of some seigneurial château, for the seigneurs, too, knew where to build; and to my left, between a clump of oaks and an avenue of poplars, the bell-tower of the village—church of Saint Martial d'Artenset—a very ancient type of tower, I believe, and common in France, rather ponderous, consisting of a square mass with a smaller square mass stuck on, the latter having large Gothic windows; and behind me the west face of the monastery-church, over the door being the statue of Saint Bruno.

It was my routine to set the large, carved chair from the chancel at the entrance on hot days and just relax, letting my mind go blank, dozing off and smoking for hours. Down below, in the plain, the gardens filled with delicious fruit surrounded the long silver thread of the Isle River, which meanders right by the foot of the monastery slope. This slope overlooks a stretch of land that feels not just vast but immense, even though the horizon is framed by a semicircle of low hills, a bit too rigid and uniform to be truly beautiful; the open fields in between are taken up by yellow plowed land that was never planted, now weedy, and crossed repeatedly by bright green vines, with patches of pale-green alfalfa, orchards, and the white village of Monpont near the railway, all nestled together, with the Isle weaving its lively streams through the village meadow, which is shaded by oak trees. To have played there as a boy, to have grown up knowing it as intimately as one knows their own hand or foot, must have been really sweet and comforting; then, the river splits and takes on the shape of a heart; and in the distance, you can see the grey banks of the Gironde. On the semicircle of hills, when there was little mist, I spotted the ruins of an old château since the lords knew where to build; to my left, between a bunch of oaks and a row of poplars, stood the bell tower of the village church of Saint Martial d'Artenset—a very old-style tower, I think, common in France, quite heavy-looking, made up of a square base with a smaller square section on top, featuring large Gothic windows; and behind me, the west face of the monastery church, with the statue of Saint Bruno over the door.

Well, one morning after four months, I opened my eyes in my cell to the piercing consciousness that I had burned Monpont over-night: and so overcome was I with regret for this poor inoffensive little place, that for two days, hardly eating, I paced between the oak and walnut pews of the nave, massive stalls they are, separated by grooved Corinthian pilasters, wondering what was to become of me, and if I was not already mad; and there are some little angels with extraordinarily human Greuze-like faces, supporting the nerves of the apse, which, after a time, every time I passed them, seemed conscious of me and my existence there; and the wood-work which ornaments the length of the nave, and of the choir also, elaborate with carved marguerites and roses, here and there took in my eyes significant forms from certain points of view; and there is a partition—for the nave is divided into two chapels, one for the brothers and one for the fathers, I conclude—and in this partition a massive door, which yet looks quite light and graceful, carved with oak and acanthus leaves, and every time I passed through I had the impression that the door was a sentient thing, subconscious of me; and the delicate Italian-Renaissance brick vault which springs from the vast nave seemed to look upon me with a gloomy knowledge of me, and of the heart within me; and at about four in the afternoon of the second day, after pacing the church for hours, I fell down at one of the two altars near that carved door of the screen, praying God to have mercy upon my soul; and in the very midst of my praying, I was up and away, the devil in me, and I got into the motor, and did not come back to Vauclaire for another month, and came leaving great tracts of burned desolation behind me, towns and forests, Bordeaux burned, Lebourne burned, Bergerac burned.

Well, one morning after four months, I opened my eyes in my cell to the harsh realization that I had burned Monpont overnight. I was so overwhelmed with regret for this poor, innocent little place that for two days, hardly eating, I paced between the oak and walnut pews of the nave, which are massive stalls separated by grooved Corinthian pilasters, wondering what would become of me and whether I was already losing my mind. There were little angels with strikingly human Greuze-like faces, supporting the nerves of the apse, which, after a while, seemed to become aware of me and my presence there every time I passed them. The woodwork that decorates the length of the nave and the choir, intricately carved with daisies and roses, occasionally took on meaningful shapes from certain angles in my eyes. There was a partition dividing the nave into two chapels, one for the brothers and one for the fathers, I assumed; and in this partition was a heavy door that, despite its weight, appeared quite light and elegant, carved with oak and acanthus leaves. Every time I walked through, I felt as if the door was aware of me. The delicate Italian-Renaissance brick vault rising from the vast nave seemed to regard me with a somber understanding of my being and the turmoil in my heart. Around four in the afternoon on the second day, after pacing the church for hours, I collapsed at one of the two altars near that carved door of the screen, praying to God to have mercy on my soul; and in the very middle of my prayer, I was suddenly on my feet with the devil inside me, jumped into the motor, and didn’t come back to Vauclaire for another month, leaving behind great stretches of burned devastation—towns and forests, Bordeaux burned, Lebourne burned, Bergerac burned.


I returned to Vauclaire, for it seemed now my home; and there I experienced a true, a deep repentance; and I humbled myself before my Maker. And while in this state, sitting one bright day in front of the monastery-gate, something said to me: 'You will never be a good man, nor permanently escape Hell and Frenzy, unless you have an aim in life, devoting yourself heart and soul to some great work, which will exact all your science, your thought, your ingenuity, your knowledge of modern things, your strength of body and will, your skill of head and hand: otherwise you are bound to succumb. Do this, therefore, beginning, not to-morrow nor this afternoon, but now: for though no man will see your work, there is still the Almighty God, who is also something, in His way: and He will see how you strive, and try, and groan: and perhaps, seeing, He may have mercy upon you.'

I went back to Vauclaire because it felt like home now, and there I truly felt deep remorse; I humbled myself before my Creator. While I was in this state, sitting one bright day in front of the monastery gate, something told me: 'You will never be a good person, nor truly escape Hell and Madness, unless you have a purpose in life, dedicating yourself completely to some significant work that will require all your knowledge, thought, creativity, understanding of modern things, physical strength, willpower, and skills: otherwise, you’re bound to fail. So, start this not tomorrow or this afternoon, but right now: because even though no one may see your efforts, there is still the Almighty God, who notices everything in His own way: and He will see how hard you try, and perhaps, seeing that, He may have compassion on you.'


In this way arose the idea of the Palace—an idea, indeed, which had entered my brain before, but merely as a bombastic and visionary outcome of my raving moods: now, however, in a very different way, soberly, and soon concerning itself with details, difficulties, means, limitations, and every kind of practical matter-of-fact; and every obstruction which, one by one, I foresaw was, one by one, as the days passed, over-borne by the vigour with which that thought, rapidly becoming a mania, possessed me. After a week of incessant meditation, I decided Yes: and I said: I will build a palace, which shall be both a palace and a temple: the first human temple worthy the King of Heaven, and the only human palace worthy the King of Earth.

In this way, the idea of the Palace came about—an idea that had entered my mind before, but only as an extravagant and whimsical outcome of my wild thoughts. Now, however, it came to me in a much different way—practically, and soon focused on details, challenges, resources, limitations, and all kinds of real-world issues. Each obstacle I anticipated, one by one, was eventually overcome by the energy with which that idea—which was quickly turning into an obsession—took hold of me. After a week of constant reflection, I decided, yes: I would build a palace that would be both a palace and a temple; the first true temple for the King of Heaven, and the only true palace fit for the King of Earth.


After this decision I remained at Vauclaire another week, a very different man to the lounger it had seen, strenuous, converted, humble, making plans of this and of that, of the detail, and of the whole, drawing, multiplying, dividing, adding, conic sections and the rule-of-three, totting up the period of building, which came out at a little over twelve years, estimating the quantities of material, weight and bulk, my nights full of nightmare as to the sort, deciding as to the size and structure of the crane, forge, and work-shop, and the necessarily-limited weights of their component parts, making a list of over 2,400 objects, and finally, up to the third week after my departure from Vauclaire, skimming through the topography of nearly the whole earth, before fixing upon the island of Imbros for my site.

After this decision, I stayed at Vauclaire for another week, a very different man than the carefree person it had known—focused, transformed, and humble. I was busy making plans for all kinds of things, big and small, calculating, multiplying, dividing, adding, figuring out conic sections and the rule of three, tallying up the construction timeline, which came to just over twelve years. I estimated the quantities of materials, their weight and volume, and my nights were filled with nightmares about the details. I was deciding on the size and structure of the crane, forge, and workshop, keeping in mind the limited weights of their parts, creating a list of over 2,400 items, and finally, by the third week after leaving Vauclaire, browsing through the geography of almost the entire world before settling on the island of Imbros as my location.


I returned to England, and, once more, to the hollow windows and strewn streets of black, burned-out and desolate London: for its bank-vaults, etc., contained the necessary complement of the gold brought from Paris, and then lying in the Speranza at Dover; nor had I sufficient familiarity with French industries and methods to find, even with the aid of Bottins, one half of the 4,000 odd objects which I had now catalogued. My ship was the Speranza, which brought me from Havre, for at Calais, to which I first went, I could find nothing suitable for all purposes, the Speranza being an American yacht, very palatially fitted, three-masted, air-driven, with a carrying capacity of 2,000 tons, Tobin-bronzed, in good condition, containing sixteen interacting tanks, with a five-block pulley-arrangement amid-ships that enables me to lift very considerable weights without the aid of the hoisting air-engine, high in the water, sharp, handsome, containing a few tons only of sand-ballast, and needing when I found her only three days' work at the water-line and engines to make her decent and fit. I threw out her dead, backed her from the Outer to the Inner Basin to my train on the quai, took in the twenty-three hundred-weight bags of gold, and the half-ton of amber, and with this alone went to Dover, thence to Canterbury by motor, and thence in a long train, with a store of dynamite from the Castle for blasting possible obstructions, to London: meaning to make Dover my dépôt, and the London rails my thoroughfare from all parts of the country.

I returned to England, and once again found myself among the empty windows and littered streets of blackened, burnt-out, and desolate London. Its bank vaults contained the necessary amount of gold brought from Paris, which was still on the Speranza at Dover. I also didn’t know enough about French industries and methods to locate even half of the 4,000-odd items I had now catalogued, even with the help of Bottins. My ship was the Speranza, which brought me from Havre. Initially, I looked in Calais, but I couldn't find anything suitable for all purposes. The Speranza was an American yacht, quite luxurious, three-masted, air-driven, with a carrying capacity of 2,000 tons, Tobin-bronzed, in good shape, equipped with sixteen interactive tanks and a five-block pulley system amidships that let me lift considerable weights without relying on the hoisting air engine. She floated high in the water, looked sharp and handsome, held only a few tons of sand ballast, and needed just three days of work on the waterline and engines to make her decent and ready. I cleared out her deceased crew, moved her from the Outer to the Inner Basin to join my train on the quai, loaded in the 2,300-pound bags of gold and the half-ton of amber, and then set off for Dover. From there, I took a motor to Canterbury and then traveled in a long train with a supply of dynamite from the Castle for blasting away any possible obstacles, heading to London. I planned to make Dover my dépôt and the London rails my main route from all parts of the country.

Instead of three months, as I had calculated, it took me nine: a harrowing slavery. I had to blast no less than forty-three trains from the path of my loaded wagons, several times blasting away the metals as well, and then having to travel hundreds of yards without metals: for the labour of kindling the obstructing engines, to shunt them down sidings perhaps distant, was a thing which I would not undertake. However, all's well that ends well, though if I had it to go through again, certainly I should not. The Speranza is now lying seven miles off Cape Roca, a heavy mist on the still water, this being the 19th of June at 10 in the night: no wind, no moon: cabin full of mist: and I pretty listless and disappointed, wondering in my heart why I was such a fool as to take all that trouble, nine long servile months, my good God, and now seriously thinking of throwing the whole vile thing to the devil; she pretty deep in the water, pregnant with the palace. When the thirty-three ...

Instead of three months, like I expected, it took me nine: a grueling ordeal. I had to blast away no less than forty-three trains blocking the path of my loaded wagons, and I even had to blast the tracks several times, then travel hundreds of yards without any tracks: I wasn't about to waste my time moving those obstructing engines down sidings that were probably far away. Still, all's well that ends well, though if I had to do it all over again, I definitely wouldn’t. The Speranza is now anchored seven miles off Cape Roca, with a heavy mist over the still water, it's the 19th of June at 10 PM: no wind, no moon: the cabin is full of mist, and I'm feeling pretty listless and disappointed, wondering why I was such a fool to go through all that trouble for nine long, laborious months. My good God, I'm seriously thinking of tossing the whole miserable thing to the devil; she's pretty deep in the water, loaded down with cargo. When the thirty-three ...






Those words: 'when the thirty-three' were written by me over seventeen years since—long years—seventeen in number, nor have I now any idea to what they refer. The book in which I wrote I had lost in the cabin of the Speranza, and yesterday, returning to Imbros from an hour's aimless cruise, discovered it there behind a chest.

Those words: 'when the thirty-three' were written by me over seventeen years ago—long years—seventeen in total, and I still have no idea what they refer to. The book where I wrote them was lost in the cabin of the Speranza, and yesterday, while returning to Imbros from an hour’s pointless cruise, I found it there behind a chest.

I find now considerable difficulty in guiding the pencil, and these few lines now written have quite an odd look, like the handwriting of a man not very proficient in the art: it is seventeen years, seventeen, seventeen ... ah! And the expression of my ideas is not fluent either: I have to think for the word a minute, and I should not be surprised if the spelling of some of them is queer. My brain has been thinking inarticulately perhaps, all these years: and the English words and letters, as they now stand written, have rather an improbable and foreign air to me, as a Greek or Russian book might look to a man who has not so long been learning those languages as to forget the impossibly foreign impression received from them on the first day of tackling them. Or perhaps it is only my fancy: for that I have fancies I know.

I’m having a hard time controlling the pencil, and these few lines I've written look kind of strange, like the handwriting of someone who isn’t very skilled at writing. It’s been seventeen years, seventeen, seventeen ... ah! And my expression isn’t smooth either: I have to think for a minute to find the right word, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the spellings are off. My brain has probably been thinking inarticulately all these years, and the English words and letters on the page now seem rather odd and foreign to me, like a Greek or Russian book would appear to someone who hasn’t been studying those languages long enough to shake off the overwhelming impression they made on the first day of learning. Or maybe it’s just my imagination: I know I have flights of fancy.

But what to write? The history of those seventeen years could not be put down, my good God: at least, it would take me seventeen more to do it. If I were to detail the building of the palace alone, and how it killed me nearly, and how I twice fled from it, and had to return, and became its bounden slave, and dreamed of it, and grovelled before it, and prayed, and raved, and rolled; and how I forgot to make provision on the west side for the contraction and expansion of the gold in the colder weather and the heats of summer, and had to break down nine months' work, and how I cursed Thee, how I cursed Thee; and how the lake of wine evaporated faster than the conduits replenished it, and the three journeys which I had to take to Constantinople for shiploads of wine, and my frothing despairs, till I had the thought of placing the reservoir in the platform; and how I had then to break down the south side of the platform to the very bottom, and of the month-long nightmare of terror that I had lest the south side of the palace would undergo subsidence; and how the petrol failed, and of the three-weeks' search for petrol along the coast; and how, after list-rubbing all the jet, I found that I had forgotten the necessary rouge for polishing; and how, in the third year, I found the fluate, which I had for water-proofing the pores of the platform-stone, nearly all leaked away in the Speranza's hold, and I had to get silicate of soda at Gallipoli; and how, after two years' observation, I had to come to the conclusion that the lake was leaking, and discovered that this Imbros sand was not suitable for mixing with the skin of Portland cement which covered the cement concrete, and had to substitute sheet-bitumen in three places; and how I did all, all for the sake of God, thinking: 'I will work, and be a good man, and cast Hell from me: and when I see it stand finished, it will be an Altar and a Testimony to me, and I shall find peace, and be well': and how I have been cheated—seventeen years, long years of my life—for there is no God; and how my plasterers'-hair failed me, and I had to use flock, hessian, scrym, wadding, wood-street paving-blocks, and whatever I could find, for filling the interspaces between the platform cross-walls; and of the espagnolette bolts, how a number of them mysteriously disappeared, as if snatched to Hell by harpies, and I had to make them; and how the crane-chain would not reach two of the silver-panel castings when they were finished, and they were too heavy for me to lift, and the wringing of the hands of my despair, and my biting of the earth, and the transport of my fury; and how, for a whole wild week, I searched in vain for the text-book which describes the ambering process; and how, when all was nearly over, in the blasting away of the forge and crane with dynamite, a long crack appeared down the gold of the east platform-steps, and how I would not be consoled, but mourned and mourned; and how, in spite of all my tribulations, it was sweetly interesting to watch my power slowly grow from the first feeble beginnings of the landing of materials and unloading them from the motor, a hundred-weight at a time, till I could swing four tons—see the solid metals flow—enjoy the gliding sounds of the handle, crank-shaft, and system of levers, forcing inwards the mould-end, and the upper and lower plungers, for pressing the material—build at ease in a travelling-cage—and watch from my hut-door through sleepless hours, under the electric moonlight of this land, the three piles of gold stones, the silver panels, the two-foot squares of jet, and be comforted; and how the putty-wash—but it is past, it is past: and not to live over again that vulgar nightmare of means and ends have I taken to this writing again—but to put down something else, if I dare.

But what should I write? The story of those seventeen years is too much to capture, my goodness: it would likely take me another seventeen to do it justice. If I tried to describe just the construction of the palace, how it nearly drove me insane, how I fled from it twice but had to come back and ultimately became its reluctant servant, obsessed with it, on my knees before it, praying, going mad, and suffering; and how I forgot to account for the gold expanding and contracting with the cold and heat, and had to tear down nine months of work, and how I cursed You, how I cursed You; and how the lake of wine dried up faster than the pipes could refill it, and the three trips I had to make to Constantinople for shiploads of wine, and my overwhelming despair, until I thought to put the reservoir on the platform; and how I then had to break down the south side of the platform to the very ground, enduring a month of terror worrying that the south side of the palace would sink; and how the fuel ran out, and the three-week search along the coast for more; and how, after listing all the jet, I realized I’d forgotten the rouge for polishing; and how, in the third year, I found that the waterproofing fluate I had was mostly lost in the hold of the Speranza, and had to get silicate of soda in Gallipoli; and how, after two years of watching, I concluded that the lake was leaking, discovering that this Imbros sand wasn't suitable for mixing with the Portland cement skin that covered the cement concrete, and I had to replace it with sheet-bitumen in three spots; and how I did all this, all for God, believing: 'I will work hard, be a good person, and cast away Hell: and when I finally see it completed, it will be an Altar and a Testimony for me, and I will find peace and feel good': and how I've been deceived—seventeen long years of my life—because there is no God; and how my plasterers' hair failed, forcing me to use flock, hessian, scrym, wadding, wood-street paving blocks, and anything I could find to fill the gaps between the platform walls; and regarding the espagnolette bolts, how many of them vanished mysteriously, as if grabbed by harpies and dragged to Hell, and I had to create replacements; and how the crane chain couldn't reach two of the silver panel castings when they were done, too heavy for me to lift, and the anxiety that wrung my hands, and my frustration; and how, for a whole crazy week, I searched in vain for the textbook describing the ambering process; and how, when everything was almost finished, during the demolition of the forge and crane with dynamite, a long crack appeared in the gold of the east platform steps, and how I couldn’t be consoled, just mourning and mourning; and how, despite all my troubles, it was oddly fascinating to watch my abilities grow from the weak beginnings of unloading materials a hundred-weight at a time, to swinging four tons—seeing the solid metals flowing—enjoying the smooth sounds of the handle, crank-shaft, and lever system, pressing the mould, upper and lower plungers to shape the material—building comfortably in a travelling cage—and watching from my hut door through sleepless nights, under the electric moonlight of this land, the piles of gold stones, silver panels, and two-foot squares of jet, feeling a bit of comfort; and how the putty wash—but that's all in the past, it's behind me: I didn’t come back to relive that vulgar nightmare of means and ends—I'm here to write something else, if I have the courage.

Seventeen years, my good God, of that delusion! I could write down no sort of explanation for all those groans and griefs, at which a reasoning being would not shriek with laughter. I should have lived at ease in some palace of the Middle-Orient, and burned my cities: but no, I must be 'a good man'—vain thought. The words of a wild madman, that preaching man in England who prophesied what happened, were with me, where he says: 'the defeat of Man is His defeat'; and I said to myself: 'Well, the last man shall not be quite a fiend, just to spite That Other.' And I worked and groaned, saying: 'I will be a good man, and burn nothing, nor utter aught unseemly, nor debauch myself, but choke back the blasphemies that Those Others shriek through my throat, and build and build, with moils and groans.' And it was Vanity: though I do love the house, too, I love it well, for it is my home on the waste earth.

Seventeen years, my God, of that delusion! I can’t come up with any explanation for all those groans and sorrows that would make a rational person burst out laughing. I could have lived comfortably in some palace in the Middle East and burned my towns: but no, I had to be 'a good man'—what a foolish thought. The words of a wild madman, that preacher in England who predicted what would happen, stayed with me when he said: 'the defeat of Man is His defeat'; and I told myself: 'Well, the last man won’t be a total monster, just to spite That Other.' And I worked and groaned, saying: 'I will be a good man, and burn nothing, nor say anything inappropriate, nor indulge in excess, but push down the blasphemies that Those Others scream through my throat, and keep building and building, with struggles and pain.' And it was all Vanity: though I do love the house, too; I love it a lot, because it is my home on this desolate earth.

I had calculated to finish it in twelve years, and I should undoubtedly have finished it in fourteen, instead of in sixteen and seven months, but one day, when the south, north, and east platform-steps were already finished—it was in the July of the third year, and near sunset—as I left off work, instead of going to the tent where my dinner lay ready, I walked down to the ship—most strangely—in a daft, mechanical sort of way, without saying a word to myself, an evil-meaning smile of malice on my lips; and at midnight I was lying off Mitylene, thirty miles to the south, having bid, as I thought, a last farewell to all those toils. I was going to burn Athens.

I had planned to finish it in twelve years, and I definitely would have wrapped it up in fourteen, instead of sixteen years and seven months. But one day, when the south, north, and east platform steps were already done—it was July of the third year, close to sunset—when I stopped working, instead of heading to the tent where my dinner was waiting, I walked down to the ship—most strangely—in a dazed, mechanical sort of way, without saying a word to myself, a malicious smile on my lips; and at midnight, I found myself off Mitylene, thirty miles to the south, having thought I was bidding a final farewell to all that labor. I was planning to burn Athens.

I did not, however: but kept on my way westward round Cape Matapan, intending to destroy the forests and towns of Sicily, if I found there a suitable motor for travelling, for I had not been at the pains to take the motor on board at Imbros; otherwise I would ravage parts of southern Italy. But when I came thereabouts, I was confronted with an awful horror: for no southern Italy was there, and no Sicily was there, unless a small new island, probably not five miles long, was Sicily; and nothing else I saw, save the still-smoking crater of Stromboli. I cruised northward, searching for land, and for a long time would not believe the evidence of the instruments, thinking that they wilfully misled me, or I stark mad. But no: no Italy was there, till I came to the latitude of Naples, it, too, having disappeared, engulfed, engulfed, all that stretch. From this monstrous thing I received so solemn a shock and mood of awe, that the evil mind in me was quite chilled and quelled: for it was, and is, my belief that a wide-spread re-arrangement of the earth's surface is being purposed, and in all that drama, O my God, how shall I be found?

I didn’t, however; I continued my journey west around Cape Matapan, planning to destroy the forests and towns of Sicily if I found a suitable vehicle for travel, since I hadn’t bothered to bring one on board at Imbros; otherwise, I would have laid waste to parts of southern Italy. But when I arrived in that area, I was faced with a terrifying reality: there was no southern Italy, and no Sicily either, unless a small new island, probably no more than five miles long, was Sicily; and nothing else was visible, except for the still-smoking crater of Stromboli. I traveled north, looking for land, and for a long time, I refused to believe the evidence of the instruments, thinking they were misleading me on purpose, or that I was completely insane. But no; there was no Italy until I reached the latitude of Naples, which too had vanished, swallowed up, all of that stretch. From this horrifying sight, I experienced such a profound shock and sense of awe, that the dark thoughts within me were completely silenced: for I believe that a widespread rearrangement of the earth’s surface is in the works, and in all that chaos, oh my God, how will I be judged?

However, I went on my way, but more leisurely, not daring for a long time to do anything, lest I might offend anyone; and, in this foolish cowering mind, coasted all the western coast of Spain and France during five weeks, in that prolonged intensity of calm weather which now alternates with storms that transcend all thought, till I came again to Calais: and there, for the first time, landed.

However, I continued on my journey, but at a slower pace, not daring to do anything for a long time for fear of offending anyone. In this foolish, timid state of mind, I followed the entire western coast of Spain and France for five weeks, enduring that long stretch of calm weather that now alternates with storms beyond imagination, until I finally arrived back at Calais, where I landed for the first time.

Here I would no longer contain myself, but burned; and that magnificent stretch of forest that lay between Agincourt and Abbéville, covering five square miles, I burned; and Abbéville I burned; and Amiens I burned; and three forests between Amiens and Paris I burned; and Paris I burned; burning and burning during four months, leaving behind me smoking districts, a long tract of ravage, like some being of the Pit that blights where pass his flaming wings.

Here, I couldn’t hold back any longer, but was on fire; I set that magnificent stretch of forest between Agincourt and Abbéville ablaze, covering five square miles; I burned Abbéville; I burned Amiens; I burned three forests between Amiens and Paris; and I burned Paris; burning and burning for four months, leaving behind smoking areas, a long path of destruction, like a creature from the underworld that devastates wherever its fiery wings go.


This of city-burning has now become a habit with me more enchaining—and infinitely more debased—than ever was opium to the smoker, or alcohol to the drunkard. I count it among the prime necessaries of my life: it is my brandy, my bacchanal, my secret sin. I have burned Calcutta, Pekin, and San Francisco. In spite of the restraining influence of this palace, I have burned and burned. I have burned two hundred cities and countrysides. Like Leviathan disporting himself in the sea, so I have rioted in this earth.

This act of burning cities has become a habit for me that is more consuming—and infinitely more degrading—than opium is to a smoker or alcohol to an alcoholic. I consider it one of the essential parts of my life: it's my brandy, my wild celebration, my guilty pleasure. I have destroyed Calcutta, Beijing, and San Francisco. Despite the calming presence of this palace, I have continued to burn. I have set fire to two hundred cities and rural areas. Like a giant beast frolicking in the ocean, I have reveled in this world.


After an absence of six months, I returned to Imbros: for I was for looking again upon the work which I had done, that I might mock myself for all that unkingly grovelling: and when I saw it, standing there as I had left it, frustrate and forlorn, and waiting its maker's hand, some pity and instinct to build took me—for something of God was in Man—and I fell upon my knees, and spread my arms to God, and was converted, promising to finish the palace, with prayers that as I built so He would build my soul, and save the last man from the enemy. And I set to work that day to list-rub the last few dalles of the jet.

After being away for six months, I came back to Imbros because I wanted to look at the work I had done and reflect on all the unworthy groveling I had engaged in. When I saw it, just as I had left it—frustrated and abandoned, waiting for its creator's touch—I felt a surge of compassion and an instinct to rebuild, because something divine was present in humanity. I knelt down, opened my arms to God, and had a change of heart, promising to complete the palace while praying that as I built, He would also shape my soul and protect the last person from harm. That day, I got to work on finishing the last few details of the jet.


I did not leave Imbros after that during four years, except for occasional brief trips to the coast—to Kilid-Bahr, Gallipoli, Lapsaki, Gamos, Rodosto, Erdek, Erekli, or even once to Constantinople and Scutari—if I happened to want anything, or if I was tired of work: but without once doing the least harm to anything, but containing my humours, and fearing my Maker. And full of peaceful charm were those little cruises through this Levantic world, which, truly, is rather like a light sketch in water-colours done by an angel than like the dun real earth; and full of self-satisfaction and pious contentment would I return to Imbros, approved of my conscience, for that I had surmounted temptation, and lived tame and stainless.

I didn't leave Imbros for four years after that, except for some short trips to the coast—to Kilid-Bahr, Gallipoli, Lapsaki, Gamos, Rodosto, Erdek, Erekli, or even once to Constantinople and Scutari—whenever I needed something or got tired of working. But during all that time, I never harmed anything; I kept my feelings in check and feared my Maker. Those little cruises through this Levantine world were full of peaceful charm, resembling a light watercolor sketch made by an angel rather than the dull reality of the earth. I returned to Imbros feeling self-satisfied and spiritually content, knowing I had resisted temptation and lived a tame, unblemished life.

I had set up the southern of the two closed-lotus pillars, and the platform-top was already looking as lovely as heaven, with its alternate two-foot squares of pellucid gold and pellucid jet, when I noticed one morning that the Speranza's bottom was really now too foul, and the whim took me then and there to leave all, and clean her as far as I could. I at once went on board, descended to the hold, took off my sudeyrie, and began to shift the ballast over to starboard, so as to tilt up her port bottom to the scraper. This was wearying labour, and about noon I was sitting on a bag, resting in the almost darkness, when something seemed to whisper to me these words: 'You dreamed last night that there is an old Chinaman alive in Pekin.' Horridly I started: I had dreamed something of the sort, but, from the moment of waking, till then, had forgotten it: and I leapt livid to my feet.

I had set up the southern of the two closed-lotus pillars, and the platform-top was already looking beautiful, with its alternating two-foot squares of clear gold and clear jet, when I noticed one morning that the Speranza's bottom was really too dirty, and I suddenly decided to drop everything and clean her as much as I could. I immediately went on board, went down to the hold, took off my sudeyrie, and started to shift the ballast over to starboard, so I could tilt up her port bottom for scraping. This was tiring work, and around noon I was sitting on a bag, resting in the dim light, when something seemed to whisper to me these words: 'You dreamed last night that there is an old Chinaman alive in Pekin.' I jumped in shock: I had dreamed something like that, but from the moment I woke up until then, I had forgotten it: and I sprang to my feet, pale with fear.

I cleaned no Speranza that day, nor for four days did I anything, but sat on the cabin-house and mused, my supporting palm among the hairy draperies of my chin: for the thought of such a thing, if it could by any possibility be true, was detestable as death to me, changing the colour of the sun, and the whole aspect of the world: and anon, at the outrage of that thing, my brow would flush with wrath, and my eyes blaze: till, on the fourth afternoon, I said to myself: 'That old Chinaman in Pekin is likely to get burned to death, I think, or blown to the clouds!'

I didn't clean the Speranza that day, or for four days after; I just sat on the cabin and thought, resting my chin in my hand: the idea of such a thing, if it could possibly be true, was as awful to me as death, changing the color of the sun and the whole look of the world. Occasionally, at the thought of that thing, my forehead would flush with anger, and my eyes would blaze. Then, on the fourth afternoon, I said to myself, 'That old Chinese man in Beijing is probably going to get burned alive or blown away!'

So, a second time, on the 4th March, the poor palace was left to build itself. For, after a short trip to Gallipoli, where I got some young lime-twigs in boxes of earth, and some preserved limes and ginger, I set out for a long voyage to the East, passing through the Suez Canal, and visiting Bombay, where I was three weeks, and then destroyed it.

So, for the second time, on March 4th, the poor palace was left to fend for itself. After a quick trip to Gallipoli, where I got some young lime twigs in boxes of soil, as well as some preserved limes and ginger, I set off on a long journey to the East, passing through the Suez Canal and visiting Bombay, where I stayed for three weeks before I ended up wrecking it.


I had the thought of going across Hindustan by engine, but did not like to leave my ship, to which I was very attached, not sure of finding anything so suitable and good at Calcutta; and, moreover, I was afraid to abandon my petrol motor, which I had taken on board with the air-windlass, since I was going to uncivilised land. I therefore coasted down western Hindustan.

I thought about traveling across India by train, but I didn't want to leave my ship, which I was really attached to, since I wasn't sure I'd find anything as good in Calcutta. Plus, I was worried about leaving my petrol engine, which I had brought on board with the air-windlass, because I was heading to uncivilized areas. So, I decided to sail along the western coast of India.

All that northern shore of the Arabian Sea has at the present time an odour which it wafts far over the water, resembling odours of happy vague dream-lands, sweet to smell in the early mornings as if the earth were nothing but a perfume, and life an inhalation.

All along the northern shore of the Arabian Sea there’s a scent that carries across the water, reminiscent of pleasant, dreamy places—sweet to breathe in the early mornings, as if the earth were just a fragrance, and life were a breath of fresh air.

On that voyage, however, I had, from beginning to end, twenty-seven fearful storms, or, if I count that one near the Carolines, then twenty-eight. But I do not wish to write of these rages: they were too inhuman: and how I came alive through them against all my wildest hope, Someone, or Something, only knows.

On that journey, I faced twenty-seven terrifying storms from start to finish, or twenty-eight if I include the one near the Carolines. But I don’t want to talk about these violent events: they were too brutal, and how I survived them against all my wildest hopes, only Someone or Something knows.

I will write down here a thing: it is this, my God—something which I have observed: a definite obstreperousness in the mood of the elements now, when once roused, which grows, which grows continually. Tempests have become very very far more wrathful, the sea more truculent and unbounded in its insolence; when it thunders, it thunders with a venom new to me, cracking as though it would split the firmament, and bawling through the heaven of heavens, as if roaring to devour all things; in Bombay once, and in China thrice, I was shaken by earthquakes, the second and third marked by a certain extravagance of agitation, that might turn a man grey. Why should this be, my God? I remember reading very long ago that on the American prairies, which from time immemorial had been swept by great storms, the storms gradually subsided when man went to reside permanently there. If this be true, it would seem that the mere presence of man had a certain subduing or mesmerising effect upon the native turbulence of Nature, and his absence now may have removed the curb. It is my belief that within fifty years from now the huge forces of the earth will be let fully loose to tumble as they will; and this planet will become one of the undisputed playgrounds of Hell, and the theatre of commotions stupendous as those witnessed on the face of Saturn.

I want to note something here: my God—I've observed it: a noticeable restlessness in the mood of the elements now, once stirred, which keeps growing, keeps building. Storms have become much more fierce, the sea more aggressive and unchecked in its arrogance; when it thunders, it thunders with a new kind of anger that feels like it could split the sky, roaring through the heavens, as if trying to consume everything; in Bombay once, and in China three times, I felt the ground shake from earthquakes, the second and third marked by a level of agitation that could turn a person’s hair gray. Why is this, my God? I remember reading long ago that on the American prairies, which had been hit by powerful storms for ages, the storms eventually settled down when people began to live there permanently. If this is true, it seems that just the presence of humans had a calming effect on Nature’s native turbulence, and now that they are gone, that restraint might be lifted. I believe that within fifty years, the massive forces of the earth will be fully unleashed to move as they please; and this planet will become one of the uncontested playgrounds of Hell, the stage for upheavals as monumental as those seen on the surface of Saturn.


The Earth is all on my brain, on my brain, O dark-minded Mother, with thy passionate cravings after the Infinite, thy regrets, and mighty griefs, and comatose sleeps, and sinister coming doom, O Earth: and I, poor man, though a king, sole witness of thy bleak tremendous woes. Upon her I brood, and do not cease, but brood and brood—the habit, if I remember right, first becoming fixed and fated during that long voyage eastward: for what is in store for her God only knows, and I have seen in my broodings long visions of her future, which, if a man should see with the eye of flesh, he would spread the arms, and wheel and wheel through the mazes of a hiccuping giggling frenzy, for the vision only is the very verge of madness. If I might cease but for one hour that perpetual brooding upon her! But I am her child, and my mind grows and grows to her like the off-shoots of the banyan-tree, that take root downward, and she sucks and draws it, as she draws my feet by gravitation, and I cannot take wing from her: for she is greater than I, and there is no escaping her; and at the last, I know, my soul will dash itself to ruin, like erring sea-fowl upon pharos-lights, against her wild and mighty bosom. Often a whole night through I lie open-eyed in the dark, with bursting brain, thinking of that hollow Gulf of Mexico, how identical in shape and size with the protuberance of Africa just opposite, and how the protuberance of the Venezuelan and Brazilian coast fits in with the in-curve of Africa: so that it is obvious to me—it is quite obvious—that they once were one; and one night rushed so far apart; and the wild Atlantic knew that thing, and ran gladly, hasting in between: and how if eye of flesh had been there to see, and ear to hear that cruel thundering, my God, my God—what horror! And if now they meet again, so long apart ...but that way fury lies. Yet one cannot help but think: I lie awake and think, for she fills my soul, and absorbs it, with all her moods and ways. She has meanings, secrets, plans. Strange, strange, for instance, that similarity between the scheme of Europe and the scheme of Asia: each with three southern peninsulas pointing south: Spain corresponding with Arabia, Italy with India, the Morea and Greece, divided by the Gulf of Corinth, corresponding with the Malay Peninsula and Annam, divided by the Gulf of Siam; each with two northern peninsulas pointing south, Sweden and Norway, and Korea and Kamschatka; each with two great islands similarly placed, Britain and Ireland, and the Japanese Hondo and Yezo; the Old World and the New has each a peninsula pointing north—Denmark and Yucatan: a forefinger with long nail—and a thumb—pointing to the Pole. What does she mean? What can she mean, O Ye that made her? Is she herself a living being, with a will and a fate, as sailors said that ships were living entities? And that thing that wheeled at the Pole, wheels it still yonder, yonder, in its dark ecstasy? Strange that volcanoes are all near the sea: I don't know why; I don't think that anyone ever knew. This fact, in connection with submarine explosions, used to be cited in support of the chemical theory of volcanoes, which supposed the infiltration of the sea into ravines containing the materials which form the fuel of eruptions: but God knows if that is true. The lofty ones are intermittent—a century, two, ten, of silent waiting, and then their talk silenced for ever some poor district; the low ones are constant in action. Who could know the dark way of the world? Sometimes they form a linear system, consisting of several vents which extend in one direction, near together, like chimneys of some long foundry beneath. In mountains, a series of serrated peaks denotes the presence of dolomites; rounded heads mean calcareous rocks; and needles, crystalline schists. The preponderance of land in the northern hemisphere denotes the greater intensity there of the causes of elevation at a remote geologic epoch: that is all that one can say about it: but whence that greater intensity? I have some knowledge of the earth for only ten miles down: but she has eight thousand miles: and whether through all that depth she is flame or fluid, hard or soft, I do not know, I do not know. Her method of forming coal, geysers and hot sulphur-springs, and the jewels, and the atols and coral reefs; the metamorphic rocks of sedimentary origin, like gneiss, the plutonic and volcanic rocks, rocks of fusion, and the unstratified masses which constitute the basis of the crust; and harvests, the burning flame of flowers, and the passage from the vegetable to the animal: I do not know them, but they are of her, and they are like me, molten in the same furnace of her fiery heart. She is dark and moody, sudden and ill-fated, and rends her young like a cannibal lioness; and she is old and wise, and remembers Hur of the Chaldees which Uruk built, and that Temple of Bel which rose in seven pyramids to symbolise the planets, and Birs-i-Nimrud, and Haran, and she bears still, as a thing of yesterday, old Persepolis and the tomb of Cyrus, and those cloister-like vihârah-temples of the ancient Buddhists, cut from the Himalayan rock; and returning from the Far East, I stopped at Ismailia, and so to Cairo, and saw where Memphis was, and stood one bright midnight before that great pyramid of Shafra, and that dumb Sphynx, and, seated at the well of one of the rock-tombs, looked till tears of pity streamed down my cheeks: for great is the earth, and her Ages, but man 'passeth away.' These tombs have pillars extremely like the two palace-pillars, only that these are round, and mine are square: for I chose it so: but the same band near the top, then over this the closed lotus-flower, then the small square plinth, which separates them from the architrave, only mine have no architrave; the tombs consist of a little outer temple or court, then comes a well, and inside another chamber, where, I suppose, the dead were, a ribbon-like astragal surrounding the walls, which are crowned with boldly-projecting cornices, surmounted by an abacus. And here, till the pressing want of food drove me back, I remained: for more and more the earth over-grows me, wooes me, assimilates me; so that I ask myself this question: 'Must I not, in time, cease to be a man, and become a small earth, precisely her copy, extravagantly weird and fierce, half-demoniac, half-ferine, wholly mystic—morose and turbulent—fitful, and deranged, and sad—like her?'

The Earth is constantly on my mind, O dark-minded Mother, with your intense cravings for the Infinite, your regrets, immense sorrows, long sleeps, and looming doom, O Earth: and I, a mere man, even though I'm a king, am the only witness of your bleak and overwhelming pains. I can't help but think about you, and I keep thinking—this habit, if I recall correctly, started during that long journey to the east: for what lies ahead for you, only God knows, and I have seen in my thoughts long visions of your future, which, if anyone were to witness with their physical eyes, they would throw their arms wide open and spin around in a fit of laughing madness, for that vision is the very edge of insanity. If only I could take a break, even for just one hour, from this constant brooding over you! But I am your child, and my mind reaches out to you like the roots of a banyan tree that dig deep into the ground, and you draw me in, like gravity pulls at my feet, and I can't break free from you: for you are greater than I, and there’s no escaping you; and in the end, I know my soul will crash against your wild and powerful embrace, like a misguided seabird against lighthouse beams. Often I lie awake through the night, my mind racing, contemplating that empty Gulf of Mexico, how it mirrors the shape and size of Africa right across from it, and how the protrusion of the Venezuelan and Brazilian coasts fits neatly with the curve of Africa: it's clear to me—it’s truly clear—that they were once connected; and then one night they tore apart, with the wild Atlantic rushing in joyfully to fill the space: and if there had been eyes to see and ears to hear that terrible thunder, my God, my God—what horror! And if they were to meet again after so long apart ... but thinking about that leads to madness. Yet one can't help but ponder: I lie awake and think, for you fill my soul and absorb it with all your moods and ways. You hold meanings, secrets, plans. It’s strange, for example, that the layout of Europe resembles that of Asia: each with three southern peninsulas pointing south: Spain pairs with Arabia, Italy with India, and the Morea and Greece, separated by the Gulf of Corinth, correspond with the Malay Peninsula and Annam, divided by the Gulf of Siam; each with two northern peninsulas pointing south, Sweden and Norway, and Korea and Kamchatka; each featuring two large islands in similar positions, Britain and Ireland, and the Japanese Hondo and Yezo; both the Old World and the New have peninsulas pointing north—Denmark and Yucatan: a long finger with a nail—and a thumb—pointing towards the Pole. What does all this mean? What can it signify, O You who created her? Is she a living being, with her own will and destiny, like sailors once claimed ships were alive? And that thing that spins at the Pole, does it continue to spin yonder, in its dark ecstasy? It’s odd that volcanoes are always near the sea: I don’t know why; I don’t think anyone ever truly knew. This fact, in connection with undersea explosions, was often mentioned to support the chemical theory of volcanoes, which suggested that seawater seeps into ravines containing the materials that fuel eruptions: but God knows if that’s true. The taller volcanos are sporadic—lying silent for a century, two, or even ten, and then their eruptions may silence some poor region forever; the smaller ones are constantly active. Who could ever understand the dark workings of the world? Sometimes they form a linear pattern, several vents extending closely together like chimneys of an ancient factory below. In mountains, a series of jagged peaks indicates the presence of dolomites; rounded tops signify limestone; and needle-like formations represent crystalline schists. The larger landmass in the northern hemisphere suggests a greater intensity of geological activity during an ancient epoch: that’s all one can say about it: but where does that greater intensity stem from? I know only about ten miles down into the Earth: but she has eight thousand miles: and whether through all that depth she is fiery or liquid, solid or soft, I do not know, I do not know. How she forms coal, geysers, hot springs, gems, atolls, and coral reefs, the metamorphic rocks that come from sedimentary origins, like gneiss, and the plutonic and volcanic rocks, fusions, and unstratified layers that make up the foundation of the crust; and harvests, the radiant beauty of flowers, and the transition from plant to animal: I don't know them, but they are of her, and they are like me, forged in the same furnace of her fiery heart. She is dark and moody, sudden and ill-fated, and consumes her young like a cannibal lioness; and she is ancient and wise, and remembers Hur of the Chaldeans which Uruk built, and that Temple of Bel that rose in seven pyramids to represent the planets, and Birs-i-Nimrud, and Haran, and she still bears, as if it was just yesterday, ancient Persepolis and the tomb of Cyrus, and those monastery-like vihârah-temples of the ancient Buddhists, carved from the Himalayan rock; and returning from the Far East, I stopped at Ismailia, then went to Cairo, and saw where Memphis once stood, and stood one bright midnight before that great pyramid of Shafra and that silent Sphinx, and, sitting by the well of one of the rock tombs, stared until tears of sadness streamed down my cheeks: for great is the earth and her Ages, but man 'passes away.' These tombs have columns strikingly similar to the two palace columns, except that these are round, and mine are square: for that is how I chose it: but they share the same band near the top, then above that is the closed lotus flower, then the small square base, separating them from the architrave, but mine don't have an architrave; the tombs consist of a small outer temple or courtyard, then there is a well, and inside, another chamber, where, I assume, the dead were laid, with a ribbon-like astrological symbol surrounding the walls, which are topped with bold cornices, capped with an abacus. And here, until the pressing need for food drove me back, I stayed: for more and more the Earth consumes me, entices me, assimilates me; so that I ask myself this question: 'Must I, in time, stop being a man and become a small piece of Earth, an exact replica of her, extravagantly strange and fierce, half-demonic, half-wild, entirely mystical—sullen and chaotic—fickle, and deranged, and sorrowful—like her?'


A whole month of that voyage, from May the 15th to June the 13th, I wasted at the Andaman Islands near Malay: for that any old Chinaman could be alive in Pekin began, after some time, to seem the most quixotic notion that ever entered a human brain; and these jungled islands, to which I came after a shocking vast orgy one night at Calcutta, when I fired not only the city but the river, pleased my fancy to such an extent, that at one time I intended to abide there. I was at the one called in the chart 'Saddle Hill,' the smallest of them, I think: and seldom have I had such sensations of peace as I lay a whole burning day in a rising vale, deeply-shaded in palm and tropical ranknesses, watching thence the Speranza at anchor: for there was a little offing here at the shore whence the valley arose, and I could see one of its long peaks lined with cocoanut-trees, and all cloud burned out of the sky except the flimsiest lawn-figments, and the sea as absolutely calm as a lake roughened with breezes, yet making a considerable noise in its breaking on the shore, as I have noticed in these sorts of places: I do not know why. These poor Andaman people seem to have been quite savage, for I met a number of them in roaming the island, nearly skeletons, yet with limbs and vertebrae still, in general, cohering, and in some cases dry-skinned and mummified relics of flesh, and never anywhere a sign of clothes: a very singular thing, considering their nearness to high old civilisations all about them. They looked small and black, or almost; and I never found a man without finding on or near him a spear and other weapons: so that they were eager folk, and the wayward dark earth was in them, too, as she should be in her children. They had in many cases some reddish discoloration, which may have been the traces of betel-nut stains: for betel-nuts abound there. And I was so pleased with these people, that I took on board with the gig one of their little tree-canoes: which was my foolishness: for gig and canoe were only three nights later washed from the decks into the middle of the sea.

For a whole month, from May 15th to June 13th, I hung around the Andaman Islands near Malay. The idea that some old Chinaman could still be alive in Pekin eventually seemed like the craziest thought that ever crossed my mind. These jungle-covered islands, where I ended up after a wild night in Calcutta that led me to set the city and the river on fire, captivated me so much that at one point, I thought about staying there for good. I was on the smallest one, marked as 'Saddle Hill' on the map, and rarely have I felt such peace as I lay through a scorching day in a rising valley, deeply shaded by palms and dense tropical vegetation, watching the Speranza anchored nearby. There was a little open water off the shore where the valley rose, and I could see one of its long peaks lined with coconut trees. The sky was mostly clear except for a few wispy clouds, and the sea was as calm as a lake but made a lot of noise crashing against the shore, which I’ve noticed happens in these kinds of places—I'm not sure why. The Andaman people seemed quite primitive; I met several of them while wandering the island, thin as skeletons but still mostly intact, with some being dry-skinned and mummified remnants of flesh, and I never saw any sign of clothing. It’s quite strange considering how close they are to advanced civilizations. They appeared small and mostly black, and I never encountered a man without finding a spear or other weapons on or near him, so they were definitely ready for action, reflecting the wild earth they came from. Many had a reddish tint to their skin, likely from betel nut stains, as those nuts are everywhere there. I was so fascinated by these people that I foolishly brought one of their small tree-canoes on board with the gig, but only three nights later, both the gig and canoe were washed off the deck and into the sea.


I passed down the Straits of Malacca, and in that short distance between the Andaman Islands, and the S.W. corner of Borneo I was thrice so mauled, that at times it seemed quite out of the question that anything built by man could escape such unfettered cataclysms, and I resigned myself, but with bitter reproaches, to perish darkly. The effect of the third upon me, when it was over, was the unloosening afresh of all my evil passion: for I said: 'Since they mean to slay me, death shall find me rebellious'; and for weeks I could not sight some specially happy village, or umbrageous spread of woodland, that I did not stop the ship, and land the materials for their destruction; so that nearly all those spicy lands about the north of Australia will bear the traces of my hand for many a year: for more and more my voyage became dawdling and zigzaged, as the merest whim directed it, or the movement of the pointer on the chart; and I thought of eating the lotus of surcease and nepenthe in some enchanted nook of this bowering summer, where from my hut-door I could see through the pearl-hues of opium the sea-lagoon slaver lazily upon the old coral atol, and the cocoanut-tree would droop like slumber, and the bread-fruit tree would moan in sweet and weary dream, and I should watch the Speranza lie anchored in the pale atol-lake, year after year, and wonder what she was, and whence, and why she dozed so deep for ever, and after an age of melancholy peace and burdened bliss, I should note that sun and moon had ceased revolving, and hung inert, opening anon a heavy lid to doze and drowse again, and God would sigh 'Enough,' and nod, and Being would swoon to sleep: for that any old Chinaman should be alive in Pekin was a thing so fantastically maniac, as to draw from me at times sudden fits of wild red laughter that left me faint.

I traveled through the Straits of Malacca, and in that brief stretch between the Andaman Islands and the southwest corner of Borneo, I was hit so hard three times that it seemed impossible for anything made by human hands to withstand such relentless disasters. I accepted my fate, albeit with bitter regrets, and prepared to meet my end in darkness. After the third incident, all my negative feelings were unleashed again: I thought, 'If they're going to kill me, then death will find me fighting back.' For weeks, whenever I spotted a particularly happy village or a shady grove, I stopped the ship and unloaded materials to destroy them; so much so that almost all of those aromatic lands around northern Australia will bear marks of my destruction for many years to come. My journey turned more aimless and meandering, driven by whims or the movement of the pointer on the map. I imagined indulging in the comforts of a serene and enchanted spot during this warm summer, where from my hut door I could gaze through opium's soft hues at the lazy sea lagoon resting on the old coral atoll, and the coconut trees would droop in slumber while the breadfruit trees would softly moan in sweet, weary dreams. I envisioned watching the Speranza anchored in the pale atoll lake, year after year, wondering what she was, where she came from, and why she was forever in such a deep slumber. After an age of heavy peace and exhausted bliss, I’d notice that the sun and moon had stopped moving, suspended in place, occasionally lifting a heavy lid only to doze off again. God would sigh, 'Enough,' and nod, and existence would drift off to sleep: for the idea that any old Chinese man was alive in Beijing felt so absurdly insane that it sometimes caused me sudden bursts of wild laughter that left me faint.

During a space of four months, from the 18th June to the 23rd October, I visited the Fijis, where I saw skulls still surrounded with remnants of extraordinary haloes of stiff hair, women clad in girdles made of thongs fixed in a belt, and, in Samoa near, bodies crowned with coronets of nautilus-shell, and traces of turmeric-paint and tattooing, and in one townlet a great assemblage of carcasses, suggesting by their look some festival, or dance: so that I believe that these people were overthrown without the least fore-knowledge of anything. The women of the Maoris wore an abundance of green-jade ornaments, and I found a peculiar kind of shell-trumpet, one of which I have now, also a tattooing chisel, and a nicely-carved wooden bowl. The people of New Caledonia, on the other hand, went, I should think, naked, confining their attention to the hair, and in this resembling the Fijians, for they seemed to wear an artificial hair made of the fur of some creature like a bat, and also they wore wooden masks, and great rings—for the ear, no doubt—which must have fallen to the shoulders: for the earth was in them all, and made them wild, perverse and various like herself. I went from one to the other without any system whatever, searching for the ideal resting-place, and often thinking that I had found it: but only wearying of it at the thought that there was a yet deeper and dreamier in the world. But in this search I received a check, my God, which chilled me to the marrow, and set me flying from these places.

During a span of four months, from June 18 to October 23, I visited Fiji, where I saw skulls still surrounded by remnants of amazing halos of stiff hair, women dressed in girdles made of thongs attached to belts, and, in nearby Samoa, bodies adorned with crowns made of nautilus shells, along with traces of turmeric paint and tattoos. In one small town, there was a large gathering of corpses that suggested some kind of festival or dance, leading me to believe that these people were overthrown without any warning. The Maori women wore lots of green jade jewelry, and I discovered a unique type of shell trumpet, one of which I now possess, along with a tattooing chisel and a beautifully carved wooden bowl. The people of New Caledonia, on the other hand, appeared to be mostly naked, focusing on their hair, similar to the Fijians, as they seemed to wear artificial hair made from the fur of some creature resembling a bat. They also wore wooden masks and large ear rings that must have reached their shoulders. They all had an earthiness about them that made them wild, unpredictable, and diverse. I moved from one place to another without any particular plan, searching for the perfect resting spot, often thinking I had found it, only to grow bored at the thought that there was something even deeper and dreamier elsewhere in the world. But during this search, I encountered a shocking experience that chilled me to the bone and made me flee from these places.


One evening, the 29th November, I dined rather late—at eight—sitting, as was my custom in calm weather, cross-legged on the cabin-rug at the port aft corner, a small semicircle of Speranza gold-plate before me, and near above me the red-shaded lamp with green conical reservoir, whose creakings never cease in the stillest mid-sea, and beyond the plates the array of preserved soups, meat-extracts, meats, fruit, sweets, wines, nuts, liqueurs, coffee on the silver spirit-tripod, glasses, cruet, and so on, which it was always my first care to select from the store-room, open, and lay out once for all in the morning on rising. I was late, seven being my hour: for on that day I had been engaged in the occasionally necessary, but always deferred, task of overhauling the ship, brushing here a rope with tar, there a board with paint, there a crank with oil, rubbing a door-handle, a brass-fitting, filling the three cabin-lamps, dusting mirrors and furniture, dashing the great neat-joinered plains of deck with bucketfulls, or, high in air, chopping loose with its rigging the mizzen top-mast, which since a month was sprained at the clamps, all this in cotton drawers under loose quamis, bare-footed, my beard knotted up, the sun a-blaze, the sea smooth and pale with the smooth pallor of strong currents, the ship still enough, no land in sight, yet great tracts of sea-weed making eastward—I working from 11 A.M. till near 7, when sudden darkness interrupted: for I wished to have it all over in one obnoxious day. I was therefore very tired when I went down, lit the central chain-lever lamp and my own two, washed and dressed in my bedroom, and sat to dinner in the dining-hall corner. I ate voraciously, with sweat, as usual, pouring down my eager brow, using knife or spoon in the right hand, but never the Western fork, licking the plates clean in the Mohammedan manner, and drinking pretty freely. Still I was tired, and went upon deck, where I had the threadbare blue-velvet easy-chair with the broken left arm before the wheel, and in it sat smoking cigar after cigar from the Indian D box, half-asleep, yet conscious. The moon came up into a pretty cloudless sky, and she was bright, but not bright enough to out-shine the enlightened flight of the ocean, which that night was one continuous swamp of Jack-o'-lantern phosphorescence, a wild but faint luminosity mingled with stars and flashes of brilliance, the whole trooping unanimously eastward, as if in haste with elfin momentous purpose, a boundless congregation, in the sweep of a strong oceanic current. I could hear it, in my slumbrous lassitude, struggling and gurgling at the tied rudder, and making wet sloppy noises under the sheer of the poop; and I was aware that the Speranza was gliding along pretty fast, drawn into that procession, probably at the rate of four to six knots: but I did not care, knowing very well that no land was within two hundred miles of my bows, for I was in longitude 173°, in the latitude of Fiji and the Society Islands, between those two: and after a time the cigar drooped and dropped from my mouth, and sleep overcame me, and I slept there, in the lap of the Infinite.

One evening, on November 29th, I had dinner relatively late—at eight—sitting, as I usually did in calm weather, cross-legged on the cabin rug in the port aft corner, a small semicircle of Speranza gold plates in front of me, and above me the red-shaded lamp with a green conical reservoir, whose creaking never stops even in the calmest mid-sea, and beyond the plates, there was a selection of preserved soups, meat extracts, meats, fruits, sweets, wines, nuts, liqueurs, and coffee on the silver spirit tripod, glasses, cruet, and so on, which I always made it a point to choose from the storeroom, open, and lay out once and for all each morning when I got up. I was late—my usual dinner hour was seven—because that day I had been busy with the sometimes necessary, but always postponed, task of checking the ship: brushing a rope with tar, painting a board, oiling a crank, polishing a door handle and brass fittings, filling the three cabin lamps, dusting mirrors and furniture, scrubbing the neat wooden deck with buckets of water, or, high up, working on the mizzen topmast, which had been damaged at the clamps for a month. I did all this in cotton drawers and a loose quamis, barefoot, with my beard tied back, the sun blazing, the sea calm and pale from strong currents, with the ship steady, no land in sight, but large areas of seaweed drifting eastward. I worked from 11 A.M. until nearly 7 P.M., when darkness suddenly fell; I wanted to finish everything in one exhausting day. So, I was pretty tired when I went below, lit the central chain-lever lamp and my two others, washed up and dressed in my bedroom, and then sat down to dinner in the corner of the dining hall. I ate hungrily, sweat pouring down my eager forehead, using a knife or spoon in my right hand but never the Western fork, licking my plates clean in the Muslim way, and drinking quite a bit. Still feeling tired, I went on deck, where I had my old blue-velvet armchair with a broken left arm in front of the wheel, and I sat there smoking one cigar after another from my Indian D box, feeling half-asleep but aware. The moon rose into a lovely cloudless sky, shining brightly but not enough to outshine the glowing sea, which that night was a slick expanse of Jack-o'-lantern phosphorescence, a wild yet faint light mingling with stars and flashes of brilliance, all moving eastward, as if driven by some urgent purpose, a huge congregation swept along by the strong ocean current. I could hear it, in my sleepy haze, bubbling and gurgling at the tied rudder, making wet, sloppy sounds under the stern; I was aware that the Speranza was moving pretty fast, caught up in that flow, probably at four to six knots. But I didn’t mind, well aware that no land was within two hundred miles in front of me, as I was at longitude 173° and in the latitude of Fiji and the Society Islands, positioned between the two. Eventually, the cigar drooped and fell from my mouth, sleep took over, and I dozed off there, in the embrace of the Infinite.


So that something preserves me, Something, Someone: and for what? ... If I had slept in the cabin, I must most certainly have perished: for lying there on the poop, I dreamed a dream which once I had dreamed on the ice, far, far yonder in the forgotten hyperborean North: that I was in an Arabian paradise, a Garden of Peaches; and I had a very long vision of it, for I walked among the trees, and picked the fruit, and pressed the blossoms to my nostrils with breathless inhalations of love: till a horrible sickness woke me: and when I opened my eyes, the night was black, the moon gone down, everything wet with dew, the sky arrayed with most glorious stars like a thronged bazaar of tiaraed rajahs and begums with spangled trains, and all the air fragrant with that mortal scent; and high and wide uplifted before me—stretching from the northern to the southern limit—a row of eight or nine inflamed smokes, as from the chimneys of some Cyclopean foundry a-work all night, most solemn, most great and dreadful in the solemn night: eight or nine, I should say, or it might be seven, or it might be ten, for I did not count them; and from those craters puffed up gusts of encrimsoned material, here a gust and there a gust, with tinselled fumes that convolved upon themselves, and sparks and flashes, all veiled in a garish haze of light: for the foundry worked, though languidly; and upon a rocky land four miles ahead, which no chart had ever marked, the Speranza drove straight with the current of the phosphorus sea.

So that something keeps me safe, Something, Someone: and for what? ... If I had slept in the cabin, I would definitely have died: for lying there on the deck, I dreamed a dream that I once had on the ice, far, far away in the forgotten hyperborean North: that I was in an Arabian paradise, a Garden of Peaches; and I had a long, vivid vision of it, as I walked among the trees, picked the fruit, and pressed the blossoms to my nose, breathing in deeply with love: until a horrible sickness woke me up: and when I opened my eyes, the night was dark, the moon had set, everything was damp with dew, the sky was filled with glorious stars like a crowded bazaar of crowned rulers and noblewomen with sparkling gowns, and the air was rich with that mortal scent; and high and wide in front of me—stretching from the northern to the southern horizon—a row of eight or nine glowing smokes, as if from the chimneys of some massive foundry operating all night, very solemn, very grand, and terrifying in the quiet night: eight or nine, I would say, or maybe it was seven, or maybe ten, since I didn’t count them; and from those vents billowed bursts of crimson smoke, here a burst and there a burst, with glittering fumes swirling around, and sparks and flashes, all shrouded in a bright haze of light: for the foundry was operating, albeit sluggishly; and on a rocky land four miles ahead, which no map had ever noted, the Speranza sailed straight with the flow of the glowing sea.

As I rose, I fell flat: and what I did thereafter I did in a state of existence whose acts, to the waking mind, appear unreal as dream. I must at once, I think, have been conscious that here was the cause of the destruction of mankind; that it still surrounded its own neighbourhood with poisonous fumes; and that I was approaching it. I must have somehow crawled, or dragged myself forward. There is an impression on my mind that it was a purple land of pure porphyry; there is some faint memory, or dream, of hearing a long-drawn booming of waves upon its crags: I do not know whence I have them. I think that I remember retching with desperate jerks of the travailing intestines; also that I was on my face as I moved the regulator in the engine-room: but any recollection of going down the stairs, or of coming up again, I have not. Happily, the wheel was tied, the rudder hard to port, and as the ship moved, she must, therefore, have turned; and I must have been back to untie the wheel in good time, for when my senses came, I was lying there, my head against the under gimbal, one foot on a spoke of the wheel, no land in sight, and morning breaking.

As I got up, I fell flat on my face; everything I did afterward felt unreal, like a dream. I must have realized that this was the cause of humanity's destruction, that it still filled the area with toxic fumes, and that I was getting closer to it. Somehow, I must have crawled or dragged myself forward. I have a vague image in my mind of it being a purple land made of pure porphyry; I faintly remember hearing a long, echoing sound of waves crashing against its cliffs, though I can't recall where those memories came from. I think I remember retching, my insides in turmoil; I also remember being on my face as I adjusted the regulator in the engine room. However, I have no recollection of going down the stairs or coming back up. Fortunately, the wheel was tied, the rudder turned hard to the left, and as the ship moved, it must have turned as well. I must have managed to untie the wheel in time, because when I regained my senses, I was lying there with my head against the lower gimbal, one foot on a spoke of the wheel, no land in sight, and morning light breaking.

This made me so sick, that for either two or three days I lay without eating in the chair near the wheel, only rarely waking to sufficient sense to see to it that she was making westward from that place; and on the morning when I finally roused myself I did not know whether it was the second or the third morning: so that my calendar, so scrupulously kept, may be a day out, for to this day I have never been at the pains to ascertain whether I am here writing now on the 5th or the 6th of June.

This made me so sick that for two or three days I just sat in the chair by the wheel without eating, only waking occasionally to check that she was heading west from that spot. When I finally woke up for good, I couldn't tell if it was the second or third morning. So, my carefully kept calendar might be a day off, because even now, I haven't bothered to find out if I'm writing this on the 5th or 6th of June.


Well, on the fourth, or the fifth, evening after this, just as the sun was sinking beyond the rim of the sea, I happened to look where he hung motionless on the starboard bow: and there I saw a clean-cut black-green spot against his red—a most unusual sight here and now—a ship: a poor thing, as it turned out when I got near her, without any sign of mast, heavily water-logged, some relics of old rigging hanging over, even her bowsprit apparently broken in the middle (though I could not see it), and she nothing more than a hirsute green mass of old weeds and sea-things from bowsprit-tip to poop, and from bulwarks to water-line, stout as a hedgehog, only awaiting there the next high sea to founder.

Well, on the fourth or fifth evening after that, just as the sun was setting over the horizon, I happened to glance at the starboard bow where he was hanging motionless: and there I saw a distinct dark green spot against his red—a very unusual sight at that moment—a ship: a sorry sight, as it turned out when I got closer, without any signs of a mast, heavily waterlogged, some bits of old rigging falling over, and even her bowsprit seemingly broken in the middle (though I couldn't see it), and she was nothing more than a tangled mass of old seaweed and marine debris from the tip of the bowsprit to the stern, and from the sides to the waterline, tough as a hedgehog, just waiting for the next high tide to sink.

It being near my dinner-hour and night's rest, I stopped the Speranza some fifteen yards from her, and commenced to pace my spacious poop, as usual, before eating; and as I paced, I would glance at her, wondering at her destiny, and who were the human men that had lived on her, their Christian names, and family names, their age, and thought, and way of life, and beards; till the desire arose within me to go to her, and see; and I threw off my outer garments, uncovered and unroped the cedar cutter—the only boat, except the air-pinnace, left to me intact—and got her down by the mizzen five-block pulley-system. But it was a ridiculous nonsense, for having paddled to her, I was thrown into paroxysms of rage by repeated failures to scale her bulwarks, low as they were; my hands, indeed, could reach, but I found no hold upon the slimy mass, and three rope-ends which I caught were also untenably slippery: so that I jerked always back into the boat, my clothes a mass of filth, and the only thought in my blazing brain a twenty-pound charge of guncotton, of which I had plenty, to blow her to uttermost Hell. I had to return to the Speranza, get a half-inch rope, then back to the other, for I would not be baulked in such a way, though now the dark was come, only slightly tempered by a half-moon, and I getting hungry, and from minute to minute more fiendishly ferocious. Finally, by dint of throwing, I got the rope-loop round a mast-stump, drew myself up, and made fast the boat, my left hand cut by some cursed shell: and all for what? the imperiousness of a whim. The faint moonlight shewed an ample tract of deck, invisible in most parts under rolled beds of putrid seaweed, and no bodies, and nothing but a concave, large esplanade of seaweed. She was a ship of probably 1,500 tons, three-masted, and a sailer. I got aft (for I had on thick outer babooshes), and saw that only four of the companion-steps remained; by a small leap, however, I could descend into that desolation, where the stale sea-stench seemed concentrated into a very essence of rankness. Here I experienced a singular ghostly awe and timorousness, lest she should sink with me, or something: but striking matches, I saw an ordinary cabin, with some fungoids, skulls, bones and rags, but not one cohering skeleton. In the second starboard berth was a small table, and on the floor a thick round ink-pot, whose continual rolling on its side made me look down; and there I saw a flat square book with black covers, which curved half-open of itself, for it had been wet and stained. This I took, and went back to the Speranza: for that ship was nothing but an emptiness, and a stench of the crude elements of life, nearly assimilated now to the rank deep to which she was wedded, and soon to be absorbed into its nature and being, to become a sea in little, as I, in time, my God, shall be nothing but an earth in little.

It was close to dinner time and my bedtime, so I halted the Speranza about fifteen yards away and started walking around on the spacious deck as I usually do before eating. While I walked, I glanced at the ship, pondering its fate and the people who had been on board—what their first names and last names were, how old they were, what they thought and how they lived, and even what their beards were like. This made me want to go see the ship up close, so I got rid of my outer clothing and prepared the cedar cutter—the only boat, besides the air-pinnace, that was still intact—and lowered it down using the mizzen five-block pulley system. But it was completely ridiculous, because when I paddled to her, I was filled with rage after repeatedly failing to climb her low sides. My hands could reach, but I couldn't find a grip on the slimy surface, and the three ropes I grabbed were also incredibly slippery. I kept getting yanked back into the boat, my clothes covered in muck, and the only thought racing through my angry mind was to use a twenty-pound charge of guncotton, of which I had plenty, to blow her to smithereens. I had to go back to the Speranza to get a half-inch rope, then return to the other boat, because I refused to be stopped like this, even though it was now dark, only slightly lit by a half-moon, and I was getting hungrier and feeling more dangerously ferocious by the minute. Finally, after a lot of effort, I got the rope looped around a stump of a mast, pulled myself up, and secured the boat, my left hand cut by some annoying shell: all of it for the sheer stubbornness of an impulse. The faint moonlight revealed a large area of the deck, mostly hidden by rolls of rotten seaweed, and there were no bodies—just a large, concave area of seaweed. She was probably a 1,500-ton ship, three-masted, and a sailing vessel. I moved to the back (wearing thick outer shoes), and noticed that only four steps of the staircase remained. With a little leap, I could drop into that emptiness, where the stale smell of the sea seemed to concentrate into pure foulness. Here, I felt an odd sense of ghostly fear and hesitation, worried that the ship might sink with me or something else might happen. But lighting matches, I saw a regular cabin filled with some fungi, skulls, bones, and rags, but not a single complete skeleton. In the second berth on the right, there was a small table, and on the floor, a thick round inkpot that was rolling on its side, making me look down. There, I noticed a flat square book with black covers that had half-opened itself because it had gotten wet and stained. I took that and went back to the Speranza, because that ship was nothing but emptiness and a stench of life's crude elements, almost merged now with the foul depths to which she was bound and about to become a part of, just like how I, over time, my God, will turn into nothing but a small piece of earth.

During dinner, and after, I read the book, with some difficulty, for it was pen-written in French, and discoloured, and it turned out to be the journal of someone, a passenger and voyager, I imagine, who called himself Albert Tissu, and the ship the Marie Meyer. There was nothing remarkable in the narrative that I could see—common-place descriptions of South Sea scenes, records of weather, cargoes, and the like—till I came to the last written page: and that was remarkable enough. It was dated the 13th of April—strange thing, my good God, incredibly strange—that same day, twenty long years ago, when I reached the Pole; and the writing on that page was quite different from the neat look of the rest, proving immoderate excitement, wildest haste; and he heads it 'Cinq Heures,'—I suppose in the evening, for he does not say: and he writes: 'Monstrous event! phenomenon without likeness! the witnesses of which must for ever live immortalised in the annals of the universe, an event which will make even Mama, Henri and Juliette admit that I was justified in undertaking this most eventful voyage. Talking with Captain Tombarel on the poop, when a sudden exclamation from him—"Mon Dieu!" His visage whitens! I follow the direction of his gaze to eastward! I behold! eight kilomètres perhaps away—, ten monstrous waterspouts, reaching up, up, high enough—all apparently in one straight line, with intervals of nine hundred mètres, very regularly placed. They do not wander, dance, nor waver, as waterspouts do; nor are they at all lily-shaped, like waterspouts: but ten hewn pillars of water, with uniform diameter from top to bottom, only a little twisted here and there, and, as I divine, fifty mètres in girth. Five, ten, stupendous minutes we look, Captain Tombarel mechanically repeating and repeating under his breath "Mon Dieu!" "Mon Dieu!" the whole crew now on the poop, I agitated, but collected, watch in hand. And suddenly, all is blotted out: the pillars of water, doubtless still there, can no more be seen: for the ocean all about them is steaming, hissing higher than the pillars a dense white vapour, vast in extent, whose venomous sibilation we at this distance can quite distinctly hear. It is affrighting, it is intolerable! the eyes can hardly bear to watch, the ears to hear! it seems unholy travail, monstrous birth! But it lasts not long: all at once the Marie Meyer commences to pitch and roll violently, and the sea, a moment since calm, is now rough! and at the same time, through the white vapour, we see a dark shadow slowly rising—the shadow of a mighty back, a new-born land, bearing upwards ten flames of fire, slowly, steadily, out of the sea, into the clouds. At the moment when that sublime emergence ceases, or seems to cease, the grand thought that smites me is this: "I, Albert Tissu, am immortalised: my name shall never perish from among men!" I rush down, I write it. The latitude is 16° 21' 13" South; the longitude 176° 58' 19" West1. There is a great deal of running about on the decks—they are descending. There is surely a strange odour of almonds—I only hope—it is so dark, mon D——'

During dinner, and afterwards, I read the book with some difficulty because it was handwritten in French and discolored. It turned out to be the journal of someone, probably a passenger and explorer, who referred to himself as Albert Tissu, and the ship was the Marie Meyer. There was nothing remarkable in the narrative that I could see—ordinary descriptions of South Sea scenes, weather records, cargo details, and so on—until I reached the last written page, which was noteworthy. It was dated April 13th—strange, my goodness, incredibly strange—that same day, twenty long years ago, when I reached the Pole; and the writing on that page was very different from the tidy appearance of the rest, showing excessive excitement and wild haste; and he titled it 'Cinq Heures,'—I assume in the evening, as he does not specify. He wrote: 'Monstrous event! A phenomenon like no other! Those who witnessed this must forever be immortalized in the annals of the universe, an event that will make even Mama, Henri, and Juliette admit I was justified in taking this most significant voyage. While talking with Captain Tombarel on the deck, he suddenly exclaimed—"Mon Dieu!" His face turns pale! I follow the direction of his gaze eastward! I see! perhaps eight kilometers away—ten monstrous waterspouts, reaching up, up, high enough—all appearing in one straight line, with intervals of nine hundred mètres, very regularly spaced. They do not wander, dance, or sway like waterspouts do; nor are they at all lily-shaped, like waterspouts: but ten vertical columns of water, with uniform diameter from top to bottom, only slightly twisted here and there, and, as I estimate, fifty mètres in girth. For five, ten, amazing minutes we look, Captain Tombarel repeatedly muttering under his breath "Mon Dieu!" "Mon Dieu!" the entire crew now on the deck, I, anxious but focused, watching with my watch in hand. And suddenly, everything is obscured: the columns of water, likely still there, can no longer be seen: because the ocean around them is steaming, hissing higher than the columns, creating a dense white vapor, vast in extent, whose venomous hiss we can distinctly hear from this distance. It's terrifying, it's unbearable! Our eyes struggle to look, our ears to hear! It seems like an unholy labor, a monstrous birth! But it doesn’t last long: suddenly, the Marie Meyer starts to pitch and roll violently, and the sea, calm just a moment ago, is now rough! at the same time, through the white vapor, we see a dark shadow slowly rising—the shadow of a large back, a new island, pushing up ten flames of fire, slowly and steadily, from the sea into the clouds. At the moment that magnificent emergence appears to stop, the grand thought that strikes me is this: "I, Albert Tissu, am immortalized: my name shall never vanish from among men!" I rush down, I write it. The latitude is 16° 21' 13" South; the longitude is 176° 58' 19" West1. There is a lot of commotion on the decks—they are going down. There is definitely a strange smell of almonds—I only hope—it is so dark, mon D——

So the Frenchman, Tissu.

So the French guy, Tissu.

1 [This must be French reckoning, from meridian of Paris.]

1 [This has to be based on French measurements, from the meridian of Paris.]


With all that region I would have no more to do: for all here, it used to be said, lies a great sunken continent; and I thought it would be rising and shewing itself to my eyes, and driving me stark mad: for the earth is full of these contortions, sudden monstrous grimaces and apparitions, which are like the face of Medusa, affrighting a man into spinning stone; and nothing could be more appallingly insecure than living on a planet.

With that whole area, I wanted nothing more to do: it was said that a huge sunken continent lies beneath it all; I thought it might rise up and reveal itself to me, driving me completely insane. The earth is filled with these distortions, sudden monstrous faces and visions that are like Medusa’s, scaring a person into becoming stone; and there’s nothing more terrifyingly uncertain than living on a planet.

I did not stop till I had got so far northward as the Philippine Islands, where I was two weeks—exuberant, odorous places, but so hilly and rude, that at one place I abandoned all attempt at travelling in the motor, and left it in a valley by a broad, shallow, noisy river, full of mossy stones: for I said: 'Here I will live, and be at peace'; and then I had a fright, for during three days I could not re-discover the river and the motor, and I was in the greatest despair, thinking: 'When shall I find my way out of these jungles and vastnesses?' For I was where no paths were, and had lost myself in deeps where the lure of the earth is too strong and rank for a single man, since in such places, I suppose, a man would rapidly be transformed into a tree, or a snake, or a tiger. At last, however, I found the place, to my great joy, but I would not shew that I was glad, and to hide it, fell upon a front wheel of the car with some kicks. I could not make out who the people were that lived here: for the relics of some seemed quite black, like New Zealand races, and I could still detect the traces of tattooing, while others suggested Mongolian types, and some looked like pigmies, and some like whites. But I cannot detail the two-years' incidents of that voyage: for it is past, and like a dream: and not to write of that—of all that—have I taken this pencil in hand after seventeen long, long years.

I didn’t stop until I reached the Philippine Islands, where I stayed for two weeks—vibrant, fragrant places, but so hilly and rough that at one point I gave up trying to travel by car and left it in a valley by a wide, shallow, noisy river filled with mossy stones. I thought, “Here I’ll live and find peace.” Then I got scared because for three days I couldn’t find the river or the car, and I was in deep despair, thinking, “When will I find my way out of these jungles and this vastness?” I was completely lost with no paths, trapped in a place where the wilderness felt overwhelming, as if a man could easily turn into a tree, a snake, or a tiger. Finally, I found my way back, and I was deeply relieved, but I didn’t want to show it, so to hide my feelings, I kicked the front wheel of the car. I couldn’t figure out who lived in this area; some looked quite dark, similar to New Zealanders, and I could still see the signs of tattoos, while others resembled Mongolian types, and some looked like pygmies, and some like Caucasians. But I can’t describe the two years of incidents from that journey; it’s all behind me, like a dream. It’s for this reason, after seventeen long years, that I’ve finally picked up this pencil to write about it all.


Singular my reluctance to put it on paper. I will write rather of the voyage to China, and how I landed the motor on the wharf at Tientsin, and went up the river through a maize and rice-land most charming in spite of intense cold, I thick with clothes as an Arctic traveller; and of the three dreadful earthquakes within two weeks; and how the only map which I had of the city gave no indication of the whereabouts of its military depositories, and I had to seek for them; and of the three days' effort to enter them, for every gate was solid and closed; and how I burned it, but had to observe its flames, without deep pleasure, from beyond the walls to the south, the whole place being one cursed plain; yet how, at one moment, I cried aloud with wild banterings and glad laughters of Tophet to that old Chinaman still alive within it; and how I coasted, and saw the hairy Ainus, man and woman hairy alike; and how, lying one midnight awake in my cabin, the Speranza being in a still glassy water under a cliff overhung by drooping trees—it was the harbour of Chemulpo—to me lying awake came the thought: 'Suppose now you should hear a step walking to and fro, leisurely, on the poop above you—just suppose'; and the night of horrors which I had, for I could not help supposing, and at one time really thought that I heard it: and how the sweat rolled and poured from my brow; and how I went to Nagasaki, and burned it; and how I crossed over the great Pacific deep to San Francisco, for I knew that Chinamen had been there, too, and one of them might be alive; and how, one calm day, the 15th or the 16th April, I, sitting by the wheel in the mid-Pacific, suddenly saw a great white hole that ran and wheeled, and wheeled and ran, in the sea, coming toward me, and I was aware of the hot breath of a reeling wind, and then of the hot wind itself, which deep-groaned the sound of the letter V, humming like a billion spinning-tops, and the Speranza was on her side, sea pouring over her port-bulwarks, and myself in the corner between deck and taffrail, drowning fast, but unable to stir; but all was soon past and the white hole in the sea, and the hot spinning-top of wind, ran wheeling beyond, to the southern horizon, and the Speranza righted herself: so that it was clear that someone wished to destroy me, for that a typhoon of such vehemence ever blew before I cannot think; and how I came to San Francisco, and how I burned it, and had my sweets: for it was mine; and how I thought to pass over the great trans-continental railway to New York, but would not, fearing to leave the Speranza, lest all the ships in the harbour there should be wrecked, or rusted, and buried under sea-weed, and turned unto the sea; and how I went back, my mind all given up now to musings upon the earth and her ways, and a thought in my soul that I would return to those deep places of the Filipinas, and become an autochthone—a tree, or a snake, or a man with snake-limbs, like the old autochthones: but I would not: for Heaven was in man, too: Earth and Heaven; and how as I steamed round west again, another winter come, and I now in a mood of dismal despondencies, on the very brink of the inane abyss and smiling idiotcy, I saw in the island of Java the great temple of Boro Budor: and like a tornado, or volcanic event, my soul was changed: for my recent studies in the architecture of the human race recurred to me with interest, and three nights I slept in the temple, examining it by day. It is vast, with that look of solid massiveness which above all characterises the Japanese and Chinese building, my measurement of its width being 529 feet, and it rises terrace-like in six stories to a height of about 120 or 130 feet: here Buddhist and Brahmin forms are combined into a most richly-developed whole, with a voluptuousness of tracery that is simply intoxicating, each of the five off-sets being divided up into an innumerable series of external niches, containing each a statue of the sitting Boodh, all surmounted by a number of cupolas, and the whole crowned by a magnificent dagop: and when I saw this, I had the impulse to return to my home after so long wandering, and to finish the temple of temples, and the palace of palaces; and I said: 'I will return, and build it as a testimony to God.'

I'm hesitant to write this down. Instead, I’ll share the story of my journey to China, how I landed the motor at the dock in Tientsin, and traveled up the river through picturesque farmland of corn and rice, despite the bitter cold, bundled up like an Arctic explorer. I’ll talk about the three terrifying earthquakes that hit within a fortnight and how the only map I had of the city didn’t show where the military stores were, so I had to search for them. I’ll share my three days of trying to get in, with every gate locked tight and secure. I burned the map but had to watch it burn from a distance beyond the southern walls, in a desolate area. Yet, in a moment of wild playfulness, I yelled with laughter at that old Chinaman still trapped within. I journeyed along the coast and saw the hairy Ainu people, both men and women; and one midnight, lying awake in my cabin on the Speranza in the still, smooth waters under a cliff with drooping trees—it was the harbor of Chemulpo—I had a thought: 'What if you heard someone walking slowly back and forth on the deck above you—just imagine'; and the night of terrors that followed, because I couldn’t shake the thought and at one point really believed I heard it. I sweated profusely and then went to Nagasaki and burned it. I crossed the vast Pacific Ocean to San Francisco, knowing that Chinese people had been there and that one of them might still be alive. One calm day, around April 15th or 16th, while sitting by the wheel in the mid-Pacific, I suddenly saw a large white circle swirling in the sea, moving towards me. I felt the hot breath of a swirling wind, then the actual hot wind itself, which groaned like the letter V, buzzing like a billion spinning tops, and the Speranza tipped over, water rushing over her port sides, with me stuck in the corner between the deck and the railing, sinking fast but unable to move. Fortunately, it soon passed, and the white spot in the sea and the whirling wind continued on to the southern horizon, and the Speranza righted herself. It was clear that someone wanted to end me, as I can't believe such a violent typhoon had ever hit before; then I arrived in San Francisco, burned it, and savored my victory, as it belonged to me. I considered traveling across the transcontinental railway to New York, but decided against it, fearing to leave the Speranza behind, worried that all the ships in that harbor might sink, decay, and be swallowed by seaweed, lost to the ocean. I turned back, my thoughts consumed by the earth and its mysteries, with a longing in my soul to return to the deep places of the Philippines and become a native—like a tree, a snake, or a man with snake-like limbs, like the ancients. But I didn’t—because Heaven also exists in man. Earth and Heaven. As I sailed westward once more, winter returning, I found myself steeped in gloom, on the brink of emptiness and foolishness. In the island of Java, I saw the magnificent temple of Borobudur, and in an explosive way, my spirit transformed. My recent studies in human architecture captivated me again, and I spent three nights sleeping in the temple, exploring it by day. It is immense, radiating a solid massiveness typical of Japanese and Chinese architecture, measuring 529 feet across, rising in six terrace-like tiers to about 120 or 130 feet in height. Here, Buddhist and Brahmin designs blend into a richly intricate whole, with an intoxicating elegance of carvings. Each of the five levels is filled with countless external niches, each housing a statue of the sitting Buddha, topped with several domes, all crowned by a stunning stupa. When I saw all this, I was filled with the desire to return home after such long wandering to create the ultimate temple and palace; I decided: 'I will return and build it as a testament to God.'


Save for a time, near Cairo, I did not once stop on that homeward voyage, but turned into the little harbour at Imbros at a tranquil sunset on the 7th of March (as I reckon), and I moored the Speranza to the ring in the little quay, and I raised the battered motor from the hold with the middle air-engine (battered by the typhoon in the mid-Pacific, which had broken it from the rope-fastenings and tumbled it head-over-heels to port), and I went through the windowless village-street, and up through the plantains and cypresses which I knew, and the Nile mimosas, and mulberries, and Trebizond palms, and pines, and acacias, and fig-trees, till the thicket stopped me, and I had to alight: for in those two years the path had finally disappeared; and on, on foot, I made my way, till I came to the board-bridge, and leant there, and looked at the rill; and thence climbed the steep path in the sward toward that rolling table-land where I had built with many a groan; and half-way up, I saw the tip of the crane-arm, then the blazing top of the south pillar, then the shed-roof, then the platform, a blinking blotch of glory to the watery eyes under the setting sun. But the tent, and nearly all that it contained, was gone.

Aside from one moment near Cairo, I didn't stop at all on that journey home. I sailed into the small harbor at Imbros during a peaceful sunset on March 7th (as I remember it), and I docked the Speranza at the ring on the little quay. I hauled the damaged motor from the hold using the mid-air hoist (damaged by the typhoon in the mid-Pacific, which had ripped it from its moorings and tossed it over to the left side), and I walked through the windowless street of the village, navigating through the plantains and cypress trees I recognized, along with Nile mimosas, mulberries, Trebizond palms, pines, acacias, and fig trees, until a thicket stopped me, forcing me to get off. In those two years, the path had finally vanished, so I continued on foot until I reached the board bridge. I leaned there, gazing at the stream, and then climbed the steep path in the grass toward the rolling plain where I had struggled to build. Halfway up, I spotted the tip of the crane arm, then the glowing top of the southern pillar, followed by the shed roof, and finally the platform—a shimmering spot of glory to my watery eyes in the setting sun. But the tent and almost everything inside it was gone.


For four days I would do nothing, simply lying and watching, shirking a load so huge: but on the fifth morning I languidly began something: and I had not worked an hour, when a fever took me—to finish it, to finish it—and it lasted upon me, with only three brief intervals, nearly seven years; nor would the end have been so long in coming, but for the unexpected difficulty of getting the four flat roofs water-tight, for I had to take down half the east one. Finally, I made them of gold slabs one-and-a-quarter inch thick, smooth on both sides, on each beam double gutters being fixed along each side of the top flange to catch any leakage at the joints, which are filled with slaters'-cement. The slabs are clamped to the top flanges by steel clips, having bolts set with plaster-of-Paris in holes drilled in the slabs. These clips are 1-1/2 in. by 3/17 in., and are 17 in. apart. The roofs are slightly pitched to the front edges, where they drain into gold-plated copper-gutters on plated wrought-iron brackets, with one side flashed up over the blocks, which raise the slabs from the beam-tops, to clear the joint gutters.... But now I babble again of that base servitude, which I would forget, but cannot: for every measurement, bolt, ring, is in my brain, like a burden: but it is past, it is past—and it was vanity.

For four days, I did nothing but lie around and watch, avoiding a massive task. But on the fifth morning, I lazily started on it. I hadn’t worked for an hour when a fever took over me—to finish it, to finish it—and this fever lasted, with only three short breaks, for almost seven years. The end would have come sooner, but I faced unexpected trouble with making the four flat roofs watertight, which forced me to tear down half of the east one. Finally, I made them with gold slabs that are one-and-a-quarter inches thick, smooth on both sides. Double gutters were fixed along each side of the top flange to catch any leaks at the joints, which were filled with slate cement. The slabs are secured to the top flanges with steel clips, attached with bolts set in plaster of Paris in holes drilled in the slabs. These clips are 1.5 inches by 3/17 inches and are spaced 17 inches apart. The roofs are slightly sloped toward the front edges, where they drain into gold-plated copper gutters held by plated wrought-iron brackets, with one side flashed up over the blocks that raise the slabs above the beam tops, to clear the joint gutters.... But now I find myself rambling about that tedious task, which I wish I could forget but can’t: every measurement, bolt, and ring is imprinted in my mind, like a weight. But it’s all in the past, it’s all in the past—and it was all futile.


Six months ago to-day it was finished: six months more protracted, desolate, burdened, than all those sixteen years in which I built.

Six months ago today it was finished: six months longer, lonely, and heavy than all those sixteen years I spent building.

I wonder what a man—another man—some Shah, or Tsar, of that far-off past, would say now of me, if eye could rest upon me! With what awe would he certainly shrink before the wild majesty of these eyes; and though I am not lunatic—for I am not, I am not—how would he fly me with the exclamation: 'There is the very lunacy of Pride!'

I wonder what a man—another man—some Shah or Tsar from that distant past—would say about me now if he could see me! How much awe he would feel before the wild intensity of these eyes; and even though I'm not crazy—I'm not, I’m not—how would he run away shouting, 'There is the very madness of Pride!'

For there would seem to him—it must be so—in myself, in all about me, something extravagantly royal, touched with terror. My body has fattened, and my girth now fills out to a portly roundness its broad Babylonish girdle of crimson cloth, minutely gold-embroidered, and hung with silver, copper and gold coins of the Orient; my beard, still black, sweeps in two divergent sheaves to my hips, flustered by every wind; as I walk through this palace, the amber-and-silver floor reflects in its depths my low-necked, short-armed robe of purple, blue, and scarlet, a-glow with luminous stones. I am ten times crowned Lord and Emperor; I sit a hundred times enthroned in confirmed, obese old Majesty. Challenge me who will—challenge me who dare! Among those myriad worlds upon which I nightly pore, I may have my Peers and Compeers and Fellow-denizens ... but here I am Sole; Earth acknowledges my ancient sway and hereditary sceptre: for though she draws me, not yet, not yet, am I hers, but she is mine. It seems to me not less than a million million aeons since other beings, more or less resembling me, walked impudently in the open sunlight on this planet, which is rightly mine—I can indeed no longer picture to myself, nor even credit, that such a state of things—so fantastic, so far-fetched, so infinitely droll—could have existed: though, at bottom, I suppose, I know that it must have been really so. Up to ten years ago, in fact, I used frequently to dream that there were others. I would see them walk in the streets like ghosts, and be troubled, and start awake: but never now could such a thing, I think, occur to me in sleep: for the wildness of the circumstance would certainly strike my consciousness, and immediately I should know that the dream was a dream. For now, at least, I am sole, I am lord. The golden walls of this palace which I have built look down, enamoured of their reflection, into a lake of the choicest, purplest wine.

For it must seem to him— and it really does— that there’s something extravagantly royal in me and everything around me, mixed with a hint of terror. My body has filled out, and my figure now takes on a plump roundness beneath its broad crimson belt, intricately embroidered with gold, and adorned with silver, copper, and gold coins from the East; my beard, still black, flows down in two opposing strands to my hips, blown about by the wind; as I walk through this palace, the amber-and-silver floor reflects my low-necked, short-sleeved robe of purple, blue, and scarlet, shining with brilliant gemstones. I am ten times crowned as Lord and Emperor; I sit a hundred times on my confirmed, hefty throne of old majesty. Challenge me if you dare! Among the countless worlds I contemplate each night, I may have my Peers and Associates and Fellow Inhabitants... but here I stand alone; the Earth recognizes my ancient power and rightful scepter: for though she pulls at me, not yet, not yet, am I hers, but she is mine. It feels like a million million eons have passed since other beings, somewhat like me, boldly walked in the sunlight on this planet, which is rightly mine— I can hardly imagine, nor even believe, that such a situation— so bizarre, so strange, so endlessly amusing— could have ever existed: though deep down, I suppose I know it must have been true. Until ten years ago, I often dreamt of others. I would see them walking in the streets like ghosts, and it would disturb me, waking me up; but now, I don’t think such a thing could happen to me in a dream: the absurdity of the situation would definitely awaken my awareness, and I’d instantly realize that it was just a dream. For now, at least, I am alone, I am the lord. The golden walls of this palace I’ve built gaze down, enamored by their reflection, into a lake of the finest, deepest purple wine.

Not that I made it of wine because wine is rare; nor the walls of gold because gold is rare: that would have been too childish: but because I would match for beauty a human work with the works of those Others: and because it happens, by some persistent freak of the earth, that precisely things most rare and costly are generally the most beautiful.

Not that I made it of wine because wine is rare; nor the walls of gold because gold is rare: that would have been too childish: but because I wanted to create something beautiful that could stand alongside the works of those Others: and because it just so happens, due to some constant quirk of the earth, that the things which are the rarest and most expensive are usually the most beautiful.

The vision of glorious loveliness which is this palace now risen before my eyes cannot be described by pen and paper, though there may be words in the lexicons of language which, if I sought for them with inspired wit for sixteen years, as I have built for sixteen years, might as vividly express my thought on paper, as the stones-of-gold, so grouped and built, express it to the eye: but, failing such labours and skill, I suppose I could not give, if there were another man, and I tried to give, the faintest conception of its celestial charm.

The sight of this beautifully glorious palace that's now in front of me is beyond what I can capture with pen and paper. Even if I spent sixteen years searching for the right words, like I’ve spent sixteen years building it, I still couldn't convey my thoughts on paper as vividly as the gold stones, arranged and constructed, show it to the eye. Lacking that level of talent and effort, I doubt I could give anyone—even another person—the faintest idea of its heavenly charm.

It is a structure positively as clear as the sun, and as fair as the moon—the sole great human work in the making of which no restraining thought of cost has played a part: one of its steps alone being of more cost than all the temples, mosques and besestins, the palaces, pagodas and cathedrals, built between the ages of the Nimrods and the Napoleons.

It is a structure as clear as day and as beautiful as the moon—the only major human creation where the thought of cost hasn't held it back: just one of its steps costs more than all the temples, mosques, and fortresses, the palaces, pagodas, and cathedrals built from the time of Nimrod to Napoleon.

The house itself is very small—only 40 ft. long, by 35 broad, by 27 high: yet the structure as a whole is sufficiently enormous, high uplifted: the rest of the bulk being occupied by the platform, on which the house stands, each side of this measuring at its base 480 ft., its height from top to bottom 130 ft, and its top 48 ft. square, the elevation of the steps being just nearly 30 degrees, and the top reached from each of the four points of the compass by 183 low long steps, very massively overlaid with smooth molten gold—not forming a continuous flight, but broken into threes and fives, sixes and nines, with landings between the series, these from the top looking like a great terraced parterre of gold. It is thus an Assyrian palace in scheme: only that the platform has steps on all sides, instead of on one. The platform-top, from its edge to the golden walls of the house, is a mosaic consisting of squares of the glassiest clarified gold, and squares of the glassiest jet, corner to corner, each square 2 ft. wide. Around the edge of the platform on top run 48 square plain gold pilasters, 12 on each side, 2 ft. high, tapering upwards, and topped by a knob of solid gold, pierced with a hole through which passes a lax inch-and-a-half silver chain, hung with little silver balls which strike together in the breeze. The mansion consists of an outer court, facing east toward the sea, and the house proper, which encloses an inner court. The outer court is a hollow oblong 32 ft. wide by 8 ft. long, the summit of its three walls being battlemented; they are 18-1/2 ft. in height, or 8-1/2 ft. lower than the house; around their gold sides, on inside and outside, 3 ft. from the top, runs a plain flat band of silver, 1 ft. wide, projecting 2/3 in., and at the gate, which is a plain Egyptian entrance, facing eastwards, 2-1/2 ft. narrower at top than at bottom, stand the two great square pillars of massive plain gold, tapering upwards, 45 ft. high, with their capital of band, closed lotus, and thin plinth; in the outer court, immediately opposite the gate, is an oblong well, 12 ft. by 3 ft, reproducing in little the shape of the court, its sides, which are gold-lined, tapering downward to near the bottom of the platform, where a conduit of 1/8 in. diameter automatically replenishes the ascertained mean evaporation of the lake during the year, the well containing 105,360 litres when nearly full, and the lake occupying a circle round the platform of 980 ft. diameter, with a depth of 3-1/2 ft. Round the well run pilasters connected by silver chains with little balls, and it communicates by a 1/8 in. conduit with a pool of wine let into the inner court, this being fed from eight tall and narrow golden tanks, tapering upwards, which surround it, each containing a different red wine, sufficient on the whole to last for all purposes during my lifetime. The ground of the outer court is also a mosaic of jet and gold: but thenceforth the jet-squares give place throughout to squares of silver, and the gold-squares to squares of clear amber, clear as solidified oil. The entrance is by an Egyptian doorway 7 ft. high, with folding-doors of gold-plated cedar, opening inwards, surrounded by a very large projecting coping of plain silver, 3-1/2 ft. wide, severe simplicity of line throughout enormously multiplying the effect of richness of material. The interior resembles, I believe, rather a Homeric, than an Assyrian or Egyptian house—except for the 'galleries,' which are purely Babylonish and Old Hebrew. The inner court, with its wine-pool and tanks, is a small oblong of 8 ft. by 9 ft., upon which open four silver-latticed window-oblongs in the same proportion, and two doors, before and behind, oblongs in the same proportion. Round this run the eight walls of the house proper, the inner 10 ft. from the outer, each parallel two forming a single long corridor-like chamber, except the front (east) two, which are divided into three apartments; in each side of the house are six panels of massive plain silver, half-an-inch thinner in their central space, where are affixed paintings, 22 or else 21 taken at the burning of Paris from a place called 'The Louvre,' and 2 or else 3 from a place in England: so that the panels have the look of frames, and are surrounded by oval garlands of the palest amethyst, topaz, sapphire, and turquoise which I could find, each garland being of only one kind of stone, a mere oval ring two feet wide at the sides and narrowing to an inch at the top and bottom, without designs. The galleries are five separate recesses in the outer walls under the roofs, two in the east façade, and one in the north, south, and west, hung with pavilions of purple, blue, rose and white silk on rings and rods of gold, with gold pilasters and banisters, each entered by four steps from the roof, to which lead, north and south, two spiral stairs of cedar. On the east roof stands the kiosk, under which is the little lunar telescope; and from that height, and from the galleries, I can watch under the bright moonlight of this climate, which is very like lime-light, the for-ever silent blue hills of Macedonia, and where the islands of Samothraki, Lemnos, Tenedos slumber like purplish fairies on the Aegean Sea: for, usually, I sleep during the day, and keep a night-long vigil, often at midnight descending to bathe my coloured baths in the lake, and to disport myself in that strange intoxication of nostrils, eyes, and pores, dreaming long wide-eyed dreams at the bottom, to return dazed, and weak, and drunken. Or again—twice within these last void and idle six months—I have suddenly run, bawling out, from this temple of luxury, tearing off my gaudy rags, to hide in a hut by the shore, smitten for one intense moment with realisation of the past of this earth, and moaning: 'alone, alone ... all alone, alone, alone ... alone, alone....' For events precisely resembling eruptions take place in my brain; and one spangled midnight—ah, how spangled!—I may kneel on the roof with streaming, uplifted face, with outspread arms, and awe-struck heart, adoring the Eternal: the next, I may strut like a cock, wanton as sin, lusting to burn a city, to wallow in filth, and, like the Babylonian maniac, calling myself the equal of Heaven.

The house itself is very small—only 40 ft. long, 35 ft. wide, and 27 ft. high; yet the overall structure is impressively tall and grand. Most of the bulk is taken up by the platform it stands on, which measures 480 ft. on each side at the base, is 130 ft. high, and has a top that’s 48 ft. square. The steps leading up are about 30 degrees in elevation and are accessed from all four directions with 183 low wide steps, richly covered in smooth molten gold. These steps aren’t a continuous flight but are broken into groups of three, five, six, and nine, with landings in between, creating a stunning terraced appearance of gold. It resembles an Assyrian palace, but with steps on every side instead of just one. The platform's edge leading up to the golden walls of the house features a mosaic made up of squares of the purest clarified gold and jet, each square measuring 2 ft. wide. Around the edge of the platform are 48 plain gold pilasters, 12 on each side, each 2 ft. high, tapering upwards and topped with solid gold knobs, each pierced with a hole that holds a loose inch-and-a-half silver chain adorned with small silver balls that clink together in the breeze. The mansion includes an outer court that faces east toward the sea, and the house itself encloses an inner court. The outer court is a hollow rectangle measuring 32 ft. wide by 8 ft. long, with battlemented tops on its three walls, standing 18.5 ft. high—8.5 ft. lower than the house. Around its gold sides, 3 ft. from the top, runs a plain 1 ft.-wide band of silver that projects 2/3 in. At the gate, which is a straightforward Egyptian-style entrance facing east, the two massive plain gold square pillars taper upwards, each 45 ft. high and topped with a band, closed lotus, and thin plinth. Directly opposite the gate in the outer court is a small oblong well, measuring 12 ft. by 3 ft., shaped to resemble the court itself, with gold-lined sides tapering down to near the bottom of the platform. This well includes a 1/8 in. diameter conduit that automatically replenishes the water lost through evaporation throughout the year, holding 105,360 litres when nearly full. The lake surrounding the platform forms a circle with a diameter of 980 ft. and is 3.5 ft. deep. Encircling the well are pilasters connected by silver chains with small balls, which connects through a 1/8 in. conduit to a pool of wine situated in the inner court. It is fed by eight tall, narrow golden tanks that taper upwards, each containing a different type of red wine that collectively provides enough for all occasions throughout my life. The ground of the outer court is also a mosaic of jet and gold, transitioning to squares of silver and clear amber further in. The entrance is through an Egyptian doorway 7 ft. high, featuring gold-plated cedar folding doors that open inward, surrounded by a large, projecting coping of plain silver, 3.5 ft. wide. The simplicity of the design greatly enhances the richness of the materials. The interior resembles more of a Homeric house than an Assyrian or Egyptian one—except for the galleries which are distinctly Babylonian and Old Hebrew. The inner court, featuring a pool of wine and tanks, measures a small 8 ft. by 9 ft., with four silver-latticed windows and two matching doors at the front and back. Surrounding this is the house proper, where the inner walls are 10 ft. in from the outer walls, creating a long corridor-like space except for the front (eastern) two walls, which are divided into three rooms. On either side of the house are six panels of solid plain silver that are slightly thinner in the center, where paintings are affixed—21 or 22 from the burning of Paris at a place called 'The Louvre,' and 2 or 3 from a place in England—making the panels appear as frames surrounded by garlands of the lightest amethyst, topaz, sapphire, and turquoise, each garland made from a single type of stone with oval rings that are two feet wide at the sides and taper down to an inch at the top and bottom, without any designs. The galleries consist of five separate recesses beneath the roof on the outer walls, with two on the east side and one on the north, south, and west—draped with pavilions made of purple, blue, rose, and white silk hung on rings and rods of gold, with gold pilasters and railings. Each gallery is accessed by four steps leading from the roof, which is reached by two spiral cedar staircases on the north and south sides. Atop the eastern roof stands the kiosk, under which the small lunar telescope is located; from this height, as well as from the galleries, I can gaze upon the always silent blue hills of Macedonia under the bright moonlight that resembles lime-light, and observe the islands of Samothraki, Lemnos, and Tenedos resting like purplish fairies on the Aegean Sea. I usually sleep during the day and keep a vigil all night, often descending at midnight to enjoy a bath in the lake, losing myself in a delightful intoxication of senses, dreaming with wide-open eyes at the bottom, only to return dazed, weak, and drunk. Or again—twice in the past empty and idle six months—I have abruptly sprinted from this temple of luxury, tearing off my flamboyant attire to hide in a hut by the shore, struck for one intense moment with the realization of the world's past, lamenting: 'alone, alone ... all alone, alone, alone ... alone, alone....' For events unsettling like eruptions happen in my mind; and on one dazzling midnight—oh, such wonder!—I might kneel on the roof with my face turned to the sky, arms outspread, and heart filled with awe, worshipping the Eternal: the next moment, I could strut around like a cock, as wild as sin, longing to destroy a city, to revel in filth, and lose myself in madness, calling myself comparable to Heaven.


But it was not to write of this—of all this—!

But that wasn't what needed to be written about—about all of this—!

Of the furnishing of the palace I have written nothing.... But why I hesitate to admit to myself what I know, is not clear. If They speak to me, I may surely write of Them: for I do not fear Them, but am Their peer.

Of the palace's furnishings, I have said nothing.... But why I’m reluctant to acknowledge what I know, is unclear. If They communicate with me, I can certainly write about Them: for I do not fear Them, but am Their equal.

Of the island I have written nothing: its size, climate, form, vegetation.... There are two winds: a north and a south wind; the north is cool, and the south is warm; and the south blows during the winter months, so that sometimes on Christmas-day it is quite hot; and the north, which is cool, blows from May to September, so that the summer is hardly ever oppressive, and the climate was made for a king. The mangal-stove in the south hall I have never once lit.

Of the island, I have written nothing: its size, climate, shape, vegetation... There are two winds: a north wind and a south wind; the north is cool, and the south is warm; the south blows during the winter months, so that sometimes on Christmas Day it gets quite hot; and the north, which is cool, blows from May to September, so the summer is rarely unbearable, and the climate is fit for a king. I have never once used the mangal stove in the south hall.

The length, I should say, is 19 miles; the breadth 10, or thereabouts; and the highest mountains should reach a height of some 2,000 ft., though I have not been all over it. It is very densely wooded in most parts, and I have seen large growths of wheat and barley, obviously degenerate now, with currants, figs, valonia, tobacco, vines in rank abundance, and two marble quarries. From the palace, which lies on a sunny plateau of beautifully-sloping swards, dotted with the circular shadows thrown by fifteen huge cedars, and seven planes, I can see on all sides an edge of forest, with the gleam of a lake to the north, and in the hollow to the east the rivulet with its little bridge, and a few clumps and beds of flowers. I can also spy right through——

The area is about 19 miles long and around 10 miles wide. The highest mountains reach about 2,000 feet, but I haven’t explored the whole area. Most of it is heavily forested, and I’ve noticed large patches of wheat and barley, which are clearly in decline now, along with plenty of currants, figs, valonia, tobacco, and abundant vines, not to mention two marble quarries. From the palace, located on a sunny plateau with gently sloping lawns and the circular shadows of fifteen massive cedars and seven sycamores, I can see forest edges surrounding me, a glimmering lake to the north, and a small stream with a little bridge in the valley to the east, along with some clusters and patches of flowers. I can also see right through——


It shall be written now:

It will be written now:

I have this day heard within me the contention of the Voices.

I have today felt the argument of the Voices within me.


I thought that they were done with me! That all, all, all, was ended! I have not heard them for twenty years!

I thought they were finished with me! That everything was over! I haven't heard from them in twenty years!

But to-day—distinctly—breaking in with brawling impassioned suddenness upon my consciousness.... I heard.

But today—clearly—interrupting my thoughts with a loud and passionate suddenness... I heard.

This late far niente and vacuous inaction here have been undermining my spirit; this inert brooding upon the earth; this empty life, and bursting brain! Immediately after eating at noon to-day, I said to myself:

This late far niente and pointless inactivity have been dragging down my mood; this lazy pondering on existence; this unfulfilling life, and racing thoughts! Right after having lunch today, I told myself:

'I have been duped by the palace: for I have wasted myself in building, hoping for peace, and there is no peace. Therefore now I shall fly from it, to another, sweeter work—not of building, but of destroying—not of Heaven, but of Hell—not of self-denial, but of reddest orgy. Constantinople—beware!' I tossed the chair aside, and with a stamp was on my feet: and as I stood—again, again—I heard: the startlingly sudden wrangle, the fierce, vulgar outbreak and voluble controversy, till my consciousness could not hear its ears: and one urged: 'Go! go!' and the other: 'Not there...! where you like, ... but not there...! for your life!'

'I’ve been tricked by the palace: I’ve wasted myself trying to build something, hoping for peace, but there’s no peace. So now I’m going to escape to something different and sweeter—not building, but tearing down—not Heaven, but Hell—not self-denial, but the wildest pleasure. Constantinople—beware!' I pushed the chair aside and stood up with a stomp: and as I stood there—again and again—I heard it: the shocking, sudden argument, the intense, crude outburst and heated debate, until my mind could barely process it: one person urged, 'Go! Go!' and another said, 'Not there...! Anywhere else, ... but not there...! For your own good!'

I did not—for I could not—go: I was so overcome. I fell upon the couch shivering.

I couldn’t go—I just couldn’t. I was completely overwhelmed. I collapsed onto the couch, trembling.

These Voices, or impulses, plainly as I felt them of old, quarrel within me now with an openness new to them. Lately, influenced by my long scientific habit of thought, I have occasionally wondered whether what I used to call 'the two Voices' were not in reality two strong instinctive movements, such as most men may have felt, though with less force. But to-day doubt is past, doubt is past: nor, unless I be very mad, can I ever doubt again.

These voices, or impulses, feel as real to me now as they did in the past, but they conflict within me in a way that’s new to them. Recently, shaped by my long habit of scientific thinking, I’ve sometimes wondered if what I used to call 'the two voices' are really just two strong instinctual drives that most people might experience, though not as intensely. But today, I’m beyond doubt; I can’t doubt again, unless I’ve completely lost my mind.


I have been thinking, thinking of my life: there is a something which I cannot understand.

I’ve been thinking, thinking about my life: there’s something I just can’t understand.

There was a man whom I met once in that dark backward and abysm of time, when I must have been very young—I fancy at some college or school in England, and his name now is far enough beyond scope of my memory, lost in the vast limbo of past things. But he used to talk continually about certain 'Black' and 'White' Powers, and of their strife for this world. He was a short man with a Roman nose, and lived in fear of growing a paunch. His forehead a-top, in profile, was more prominent than the nose-end, he parted his hair in the middle, and had the theory that the male form was more beautiful than the female. I forget what his name was—the dim clear-obscure being. Very profound was the effect of his words upon me, though, I think, I used to make a point of slighting them. This man always declared that 'the Black' would carry off the victory in the end: and so he has, so he has.

There was a man I met once in that distant and murky past when I must have been very young—I think it was at some college or school in England, and his name is now lost to me, buried in the vast emptiness of memories. But he always talked about certain 'Black' and 'White' Powers and their battle for this world. He was a short guy with a Roman nose, and he feared getting a belly. His forehead, seen from the side, was more prominent than the tip of his nose; he parted his hair in the middle and believed that the male form was more beautiful than the female. I can’t remember what his name was—the dim, hazy figure. His words had a profound effect on me, although I think I often pretended to dismiss them. This man always insisted that 'the Black' would ultimately win: and he has, indeed, he has.

But assuming the existence of this 'Black' and this 'White' being—and supposing it to be a fact that my reaching the Pole had any connection with the destruction of my race, according to the notions of that extraordinary Scotch parson—then it must have been the power of 'the Black' which carried me, in spite of all obstacles, to the Pole. So far I can understand.

But if we accept that there is this 'Black' and this 'White' being—and if we take it as true that my reaching the Pole was linked to the destruction of my race, as that unusual Scottish minister believes—then it must have been the power of 'the Black' that got me there, despite all the challenges. I can grasp that much.

But after I had reached the Pole, what further use had either White or Black for me? Which was it—White or Black—that preserved my life through my long return on the ice—and why? It could not have been 'the Black'! For I readily divine that from the moment when I touched the Pole, the only desire of the Black, which had previously preserved, must have been to destroy me, with the rest. It must have been 'the White,' then, that led me back, retarding me long, so that I should not enter the poison-cloud, and then openly presenting me the Boreal to bring me home to Europe. But his motive? And the significance of these recommencing wrangles, after such a silence? This I do not understand!

But after I reached the Pole, what use did either White or Black have for me? Which was it—White or Black—that kept me alive during my long journey back on the ice—and why? It could not have been 'the Black'! Because I can easily guess that from the moment I touched the Pole, the only goal of the Black, which had previously kept me safe, must have been to get rid of me, along with everyone else. So it must have been 'the White' that guided me back, slowing me down for a while to ensure I didn’t walk into the poison-cloud, and then clearly showing me the Boreal to take me home to Europe. But what was his motive? And what does it mean that these arguments started up again after such a long silence? I don’t understand!

Curse Them, curse Them, with their mad tangles! I care nothing for Them! Are there any White Idiots and Black Idiots—at all? Or are these Voices that I hear nothing but the cries of my own strained nerves, and I all mad and morbid, morbid and mad, mad, my good God?

Curse them, curse them, with their crazy messes! I don’t care about them at all! Are there any White idiots and Black idiots—really? Or are these voices I hear just the cries of my own frayed nerves, and am I completely crazy and sick, sick and crazy, crazy, my good God?

This inertia here is not good for me! This stalking about the palace! and long thinkings about Earth and Heaven, Black and White, White and Black, and things beyond the stars! My brain is like bursting through the walls of my poor head.

This inertia here is not good for me! This pacing around the palace! And the endless thinking about Earth and Heaven, Black and White, White and Black, and things beyond the stars! My brain feels like it’s about to burst through the walls of my poor head.

To-morrow, then, to Constantinople.

Tomorrow, then, to Constantinople.


Descending to go to the ship, I had almost reached the middle of the east platform-steps, when my foot slipped on the smooth gold: and the fall, though I was not walking carelessly, had, I swear, all the violence of a fall caused by a push. I struck my head, and, as I rolled downward, swooned. When I came to myself, I was lying on the very bottom step, which is thinly washed by the wine-waves: another roll and I suppose I must have drowned. I sat there an hour, lost in amazement, then crossed the causeway, came down to the Speransa with the motor, went through her, spent the day in work, slept on her, worked again to-day, till four, at both ship and time-fuses (I with only 700 fuses left, and in Stamboul alone must be 8,000 houses, without counting Galata, Tophana, Kassim-pacha, Scutari, and the rest), started out at 5.30, and am now at 11 P.M. lying motionless two miles off the north coast of the island of Marmora, with moonlight gloating on the water, a faint north breeze, and the little pale land looking immensely stretched-out, solemn and great, as if that were the world, and there were nothing else; and the tiny island at its end immense, and the Speranza vast, and I only little. To-morrow at 11 A.M. I will moor the Speranza in the Golden Horn at the spot where there is that low damp nook of the bagnio behind the naval magazines and that hill where the palace of the Capitan Pacha is.

Descending to the ship, I had nearly reached the middle of the east platform steps when my foot slipped on the smooth gold. Even though I was being careful, the fall felt as intense as if someone had pushed me. I hit my head and, as I rolled down, I fainted. When I came to, I found myself lying on the very bottom step, which was lightly washed by the wine waves; if I had rolled just a bit more, I probably would have drowned. I sat there for an hour, lost in shock, then crossed the causeway, took the motor down to the Speransa, went through her, spent the day working, slept on her, and worked again today until four, taking care of both the ship and the time fuses (I only have 700 fuses left, and in Stamboul alone there must be 8,000 houses, not counting Galata, Tophana, Kassim-Pacha, Scutari, and the others). I set out at 5:30 and now, at 11 P.M., I’m lying still two miles off the north coast of the island of Marmora, with moonlight shimmering on the water, a light north breeze, and the little pale land looking tremendously stretched out, solemn and grand, as if that were the entire world and nothing else existed; and the tiny island at its end looks enormous, and the Speranza feels vast, while I feel so small. Tomorrow at 11 A.M., I’ll moor the Speranza in the Golden Horn at the spot where there’s that low, damp nook of the bagnio behind the naval magazines and that hill where the Capitan Pacha's palace stands.


I found that great tangle of ships in the Golden Horn wonderfully preserved, many with hardly any moss-growths. This must be due, I suppose, to the little Ali-Bey and Kezat-Hanah, which flow into the Horn at the top, and made no doubt a constant current.

I found that huge jumble of ships in the Golden Horn incredibly well-preserved, many with barely any moss on them. I guess this is because of the little Ali-Bey and Kezat-Hanah streams that flow into the Horn at the top, creating a steady current.

Ah, I remember the place: long ago I lived here some months, or, it may be, years. It is the fairest of cities—and the greatest. I believe that London in England was larger: but no city, surely, ever seemed so large. But it is flimsy, and will burn like tinder. The houses are made of light timber, with interstices filled by earth and bricks, and some of them look ruinous already, with their lovely faded tints of green and gold and red and blue and yellow, like the hues of withered flowers: for it is a city of paints and trees, and all in the little winding streets, as I write, are volatile almond-blossoms, mixed with maple-blossoms, white with purple. Even the most splendid of the Sultan's palaces are built in this combustible way: for I believe that they had a notion that stone-building was presumptuous, though I have seen some very thick stone-houses in Galata. This place, I remember, lived in a constant state of sensation on account of nightly flares-up; and I have come across several tracts already devastated by fires. The ministers-of-state used to attend them, and if the fire would not go out, the Sultan himself was obliged to be there, in order to encourage the firemen. Now it will burn still better.

Ah, I remember this place: long ago I lived here for a few months, or maybe even years. It’s the most beautiful city—and the greatest. I think London in England was bigger, but no city ever felt as big as this one. But it’s fragile and will catch fire easily. The houses are made of light wood, with gaps filled with dirt and bricks, and some already look like they're falling apart, with their lovely faded shades of green, gold, red, blue, and yellow, like the colors of wilted flowers. It’s a city of paints and trees, and all through the little winding streets, as I write, are delicate almond blossoms mixed with maple blossoms, white with purple. Even the most magnificent of the Sultan’s palaces are built this way: they thought using stone was too arrogant, even though I’ve seen some very thick stone houses in Galata. This place, I remember, was always buzzing with excitement because of the nightly fires; I’ve come across several areas already destroyed by flames. The ministers used to attend to them, and if the fire wouldn't go out, the Sultan himself had to show up to motivate the firefighters. Now it will burn even better.

But I have been here six weeks, and still no burning: for the place seems to plead with me, it is so ravishing, so that I do not know why I did not live here, and spare my toils during those sixteen nightmare years; for two whole weeks the impulse to burn was quieted; and since then there has been an irritating whisper at my ear which said: 'It is not really like the great King that you are, this burning, but like a foolish child, or a savage, who liked to see fireworks: or at least, if you must burn, do not burn poor Constantinople, which is so charming, and so very old, with its balsamic perfumes, and the blossomy trees of white and light-purple peeping over the walls of the cloistered painted houses, and all those lichened tombs—those granite menhirs and regions of ancient marble tombs between the quarters, Greek tombs, Byzantine, Jew, Mussulman tombs, with their strange and sacred inscriptions—overwaved by their cypresses and vast plane-trees.' And for weeks I would do nothing: but roamed about, with two minds in me, under the tropic brilliance of the sky by day, and the vast dreamy nights of this place that are like nights seen through azure-tinted glasses, and in each of them is not one night, but the thousand-and-one long crowded nights of glamour and fancy: for I would sit on the immense esplanade of the Seraskierat, or the mighty grey stones of the porch of the mosque of Sultan Mehmed-fatih, dominating from its great steps all old Stamboul, and watch the moon for hours and hours, so passionately bright she soared through clear and cloud, till I would be smitten with doubt of my own identity, for whether I were she, or the earth, or myself, or some other thing or man, I did not know, all being so silent alike, and all, except myself, so vast, the Seraskierat, and the Suleimanieh, and Stamboul, and the Marmora Sea, and the earth, and those argent fields of the moon, all large alike compared with me, and measure and space were lost, and I with them.

But I’ve been here for six weeks now, and still no burning urge: the place seems to call out to me; it’s so beautiful that I can’t understand why I didn’t live here and avoid my struggles during those sixteen dreadful years. For two entire weeks, the urge to burn faded away, and since then, a nagging voice has whispered in my ear, saying: ‘This burning isn’t really like the great King you are; it’s more like a foolish child or a savage who just wants to see fireworks. If you have to burn something, at least don’t set fire to poor Constantinople, which is so charming and so ancient, with its fragrant scents and the blooming white and light-purple trees peeking over the walls of the colorful houses, and all those weathered tombs—those granite stones and areas of ancient marble graves scattered between neighborhoods, Greek tombs, Byzantine, Jewish, Muslim tombs, with their strange and sacred inscriptions—overlooked by cypress trees and sprawling plane trees.’ For weeks, I didn’t do anything; I just wandered around, feeling conflicted under the bright tropical sky during the day and the expansive, dreamlike nights that seem like nights seen through tinted glasses, each one holding not just one night, but a thousand and one long, crowded nights filled with glamour and fantasy. I would sit on the vast esplanade of the Seraskierat or the massive gray stones of the porch of the Sultan Mehmed Fatih mosque, overlooking all of old Stamboul, and watch the moon for hours on end, so passionately bright as it soared through the clear skies and clouds, until I became filled with doubt about my own identity, uncertain if I was the moon, the earth, myself, or something else entirely, as everything around me was just as silent and vast, including the Seraskierat, the Suleimanieh, Stamboul, the Sea of Marmara, and the earth itself, along with those silver fields of the moon—all equally large compared to me, and in that moment, measure and space vanished, and I with them.


These proud Turks died stolidly, many of them. In streets of Kassim-pacha, in crowded Taxim on the heights of Pera, and under the long Moorish arcades of Sultan-Selim, I have seen the open-air barber's razor with his bones, and with him the half-shaved skull of the faithful, and the long two-hours' narghile with traces of burnt tembaki and haschish still in the bowl. Ashes now are they all, and dry yellow bone; but in the houses of Phanar and noisy old Galata, and in the Jew quarter of Pri-pacha, the black shoe and head-dress of the Greek is still distinguishable from the Hebrew blue. It was a mixed ritual of colours here in boot and hat: yellow for Mussulman, red boots, black calpac for Armenian, for the Effendi a white turban, for the Greek a black. The Tartar skull shines from under a high taper calpac, the Nizain-djid's from a melon-shaped head-piece; the Imam's and Dervish's from a grey conical felt; and there is here and there a Frank in European rags. I have seen the towering turban of the Bashi-bazouk, and his long sword, and some softas in the domes on the great wall of Stamboul, and the beggar, and the street-merchant with large tray of water-melons, sweetmeats, raisins, sherbet, and the bear-shewer, and the Barbary organ, and the night-watchman who evermore cried 'Fire!' with his long lantern, two pistols, dirk, and wooden javelin. Strange how all that old life has come back to my fancy now, pretty vividly, and for the first time, though I have been here several times lately. I have gone out to those plains beyond the walls with their view of rather barren mountain-peaks, the city looking nothing but minarets shooting through black cypress-tops, and I seemed to see the wild muezzin at some summit, crying the midday prayer: 'Mohammed Resoul Allah!'—the wild man; and from that great avenue of cypresses which traverses the cemetery of Scutari, the walled city of Stamboul lay spread entire up to Phanar and Eyoub in their cypress-woods before me, the whole embowered now in trees, all that complexity of ways and dark alleys with overhanging balconies of old Byzantine houses, beneath which a rider had to stoop the head, where old Turks would lose their way in mazes of the picturesque; and on the shaded Bosphorus coast, to Foundoucli and beyond, some peeping yali, snow-white palace, or old Armenian cot; and the Seraglio by the sea, a town within a town; and southward the Sea of Marmora, blue-and-white, and vast, and fresh as a sea just born, rejoicing at its birth and at the jovial sun, all brisk, alert, to the shadowy islands afar: and as I looked, I suddenly said aloud a wild, mad thing, my God, a wild and maniac thing, a shrieking maniac thing for Hell to laugh at: for something said with my tongue: 'This city is not quite dead.'

These proud Turks died with dignity, many of them. In the streets of Kassim-pacha, in the bustling Taxim on the heights of Pera, and under the long Moorish arcades of Sultan-Selim, I saw the open-air barber's razor with its bones, along with the half-shaved skull of a faithful man, and the long two-hour narghile with remnants of burnt tembaki and hashish still in the bowl. They are all ashes now, and dry yellow bones; but in the homes of Phanar and the noisy old Galata, and in the Jewish quarter of Pri-pacha, the black shoe and headgear of the Greek are still distinct from the Hebrew blue. There was a mixed ritual of colors here in footwear and hats: yellow for Muslims, red boots and black calpac for Armenians, a white turban for the Effendi, and a black one for the Greeks. The Tartar skull gleams beneath a tall taper calpac, the Nizain-djid's from a melon-shaped headpiece; the Imam's and Dervish's from a gray conical felt; and here and there an outsider in European rags. I've seen the towering turban of the Bashi-bazouk, his long sword, and some scholars in the domes on the great wall of Stamboul, along with the beggar and the street vendor with a large tray of watermelons, sweets, raisins, sherbet, and the bear-shearer, and the Barbary organ, and the night-watchman who constantly shouted 'Fire!' with his long lantern, two pistols, dirk, and wooden javelin. It's strange how all that old life has resurfaced in my mind now, quite vividly, and for the first time, even though I've been here several times lately. I've gone out to those plains beyond the walls with their view of rather barren mountain peaks, the city appearing as nothing but minarets shooting through black cypress tops, and I seemed to see the wild muezzin at some summit, calling the midday prayer: 'Mohammed Resoul Allah!'—the wild man; and from that grand avenue of cypresses which runs through the cemetery of Scutari, the walled city of Stamboul lay spread out entirely up to Phanar and Eyoub in their cypress forests before me, all now shaded by trees, that intricate maze of paths and dark alleys with overhanging balconies of old Byzantine houses, where a rider had to lower his head, where old Turks would lose their way in the picturesque labyrinth; and along the shaded Bosphorus coast, to Foundoucli and beyond, some peeking yali, a snow-white palace, or an old Armenian cottage; and the Seraglio by the sea, a town within a town; and southward the Sea of Marmora, vast and fresh as a newly born sea, rejoicing at its birth and at the jolly sun, all lively and alert, pointing to the shadowy islands in the distance: and as I gazed, I suddenly uttered a wild, crazy thing, my God, a wild and maniacal thing, a shrieking maniacal thing for Hell to laugh at: for something escaped my lips: 'This city is not quite dead.'



Three nights I slept in Stamboul itself at the palace of some sanjak-bey or emir, or rather dozed, with one slumbrous eye that would open to watch my visitors Sinbad, and Ali Baba, and old Haroun, to see how they slumbered and dozed: for it was in the small luxurious chamber where the bey received those speechless all-night visits of the Turks, long rosy hours of perfumed romance, and drunkenness of the fancy, and visionary languor, sinking toward morning into the yet deeper peace of dreamless sleep; and there, still, were the white yatags for the guests to sit cross-legged on for the waking dream, and to fall upon for the final swoon, and the copper brazier still scenting of essence-of-rose, and the cushions, rugs, hangings, the monsters on the wall, the haschish-chibouques, narghiles, hookahs, and drugged pale cigarettes, and a secret-looking lattice beyond the door, painted with trees and birds; and the air narcotic and grey with the pastilles which I had burned, and the scented smokes which I had smoked; and I all drugged and mumbling, my left eye suspicious of Ali there, and Sinbad, and old Haroun, who dozed. And when I had slept, and rose to wash in a room near the overhanging latticed balcony of the façade, before me to the north lay old Galata in sunshine, and that steep large street mounting to Pera, once full at every night-fall of divans on which grave dervishes smoked narghiles, and there was no space for passage, for all was divans, lounges, almond-trees, heaven-high hum, chibouques in forests, the dervish, and the innumerable porter, the horse-hirer with his horse from Tophana, and arsenal-men from Kassim, and traders from Galata, and artillery-workmen from Tophana; and on the other side of the house, the south end, a covered bridge led across a street, which consisted mostly of two immense blind walls, into a great tangled wilderness of flowers, which was the harem-garden, where I passed some hours; and here I might have remained many days, many weeks perhaps, but that, dozing one fore-day with those fancied others, it was as if there occurred a laugh somewhere, and a thing said: 'But this city is not quite dead!' waking me from deeps of peace to startled wakefulness. And I thought to myself: 'If it be not quite dead, it will be soon—and with some suddenness!' And the next morning I was at the Arsenal.

Three nights I slept in Stamboul at the palace of some local leader or emir, or rather I dozed with one heavy eye open to watch my visitors Sinbad, Ali Baba, and old Haroun, observing how they dozed off: it was in the small luxurious room where the bey hosted those quiet all-night visits from the Turks, long, fragrant hours of romantic indulgence, fancy intoxication, and dreamy relaxation, drifting into a deep, peaceful, dreamless sleep as morning approached. Still there were the white yatags for guests to sit cross-legged during their waking dreams and to collapse onto for the final swoon, and the copper brazier still smelling of rose essence, along with the cushions, rugs, hangings, wall monsters, haschish pipes, narghiles, hookahs, and drugged pale cigarettes, and a secret-looking lattice beyond the door, painted with trees and birds. The air was intoxicating and gray with the pastilles I had burned and the fragrant smokes I had inhaled; I felt all drugged and mumbling, my left eye wary of Ali, Sinbad, and old Haroun, who were dozing. When I finally slept and got up to wash in a room near the overhanging latticed balcony of the facade, before me to the north lay old Galata in sunlight, and the steep wide street climbing to Pera, once crowded at dusk with divans where serious dervishes smoked narghiles, making passage almost impossible, inundated with divans, lounges, almond trees, a heavenly buzz, chibouques in abundance, dervishes, a multitude of porters, horse-renters with their steeds from Tophana, and artillery workers from Kassim, and traders from Galata. On the south side of the house, a covered bridge led across a street made mostly of two enormous blind walls into a vast tangled wilderness of flowers, the harem garden, where I spent some hours; and I could have stayed there for many days, perhaps weeks, but while dozing one afternoon with those imagined friends, it felt like a laugh echoed somewhere, and something said: 'But this city is not quite dead!' jolting me from deep peace to sudden awareness. I thought to myself: 'If it’s not quite dead, it will be soon—and rather abruptly!' The next morning I was at the Arsenal.


It is long since I have so deeply enjoyed, even to the marrow. It may be 'the White' who has the guardianship of my life: but assuredly it is 'the Black' who reigns in my soul.

It has been a long time since I have enjoyed something so deeply, all the way to my core. It might be 'the White' that oversees my life, but it's definitely 'the Black' that rules my soul.

Grandly did old Stamboul, Galata, Tophana, Kassim, right out beyond the walls to Phanar and Eyoub, blaze and burn. The whole place, except one little region of Galata, was like so much tinder, and in the five hours between 8 P.M. and 1 A.M. all was over. I saw the tops of those vast masses of cemetery-cypresses round the tombs of the Osmanlis outside the walls, and those in the cemetery of Kassim, and those round the sacred mosque of Eyoub, shrivel away instantaneously, like flimsy hair caught by a flame; I saw the Genoese tower of Galata go heading obliquely on an upward curve, like Sir Roger de Coverley and wild rockets, and burst high, high, with a report; in pairs, and threes, and fours, I saw the blue cupolas of the twelve or fourteen great mosques give in and subside, or soar and rain, and the great minarets nod the head, and topple; and I saw the flames reach out and out across the empty breadth of the Etmeidan—three hundred yards—to the six minarets of the Mosque of Achmet, wrapping the red Egyptian-granite obelisk in the centre; and across the breadth of the Serai-Meidani it reached to the buildings of the Seraglio and the Sublime Porte; and across those vague barren stretches that lie between the houses and the great wall; and across the seventy or eighty great arcaded bazaars, all-enwrapping, it reached; and the spirit of fire grew upon me: for the Golden Horn itself was a tongue of fire, crowded, west of the galley-harbour, with exploding battleships, Turkish frigates, corvettes, brigs—and east, with tens of thousands of feluccas, caiques, gondolas and merchantmen aflame. On my left burned all Scutari; and between six and eight in the evening I had sent out thirty-seven vessels under low horse-powers of air, with trains and fuses laid for 11 P.M., to light with their wandering fires the Sea of Marmora. By midnight I was encompassed in one great furnace and fiery gulf, all the sea and sky inflamed, and earth a-flare. Not far from me to the left I saw the vast Tophana barracks of the Cannoniers, and the Artillery-works, after long reluctance and delay, take wing together; and three minutes later, down by the water, the barrack of the Bombardiers and the Military School together, grandly, grandly; and then, to the right, in the valley of Kassim, the Arsenal: these occupying the sky like smoky suns, and shedding a glaring day over many a mile of sea and land; I saw the two lines of ruddier flaring where the barge-bridge and the raft-bridge over the Golden Horn made haste to burn; and all that vastness burned with haste, quicker and quicker—to fervour—to fury—to unanimous rabies: and when its red roaring stormed the infinite, and the might of its glowing heart was Gravitation, Being, Sensation, and I its compliant wife—then my head nodded, and with crooked lips I sighed as it were my last sigh, and tumbled, weak and drunken, upon my face.

Old Stamboul, Galata, Tophana, and Kassim, all the way out beyond the walls to Phanar and Eyoub, were vividly lit and ablaze. The entire area, except for a small part of Galata, was like dry tinder, and in the five hours between 8 P.M. and 1 A.M., it was all over. I watched the tops of the tall cypress trees from the cemeteries of the Osmanlis outside the walls, and those in the Kassim cemetery, and around the sacred mosque of Eyoub, shrivel away instantly, like thin hair caught in a flame; I saw the Genoese tower of Galata rise abruptly at an angle, like Sir Roger de Coverley and fireworks, and explode high into the air with a loud bang; in pairs, threes, and fours, I saw the blue domes of twelve or fourteen great mosques collapse or soar into the sky, while the tall minarets swayed and toppled; and I saw the flames reach out across the open expanse of the Etmeidan—three hundred yards—toward the six minarets of the Mosque of Achmet, wrapping the red Egyptian-granite obelisk at the center; and across the Serai-Meidani, it extended to the buildings of the Seraglio and the Sublime Porte; and across the barren spaces between the houses and the great wall; and across the seventy or eighty large arcaded bazaars, engulfing everything; the spirit of fire consumed me: for the Golden Horn itself was a flame, crowded, to the west of the galley harbor, with exploding warships, Turkish frigates, corvettes, and brigs—and to the east, with tens of thousands of burning feluccas, caiques, gondolas, and merchant ships. To my left, all of Scutari was on fire; between six and eight that evening, I had sent out thirty-seven vessels using low air power, equipped with trains and fuses set for 11 P.M., to light up the Sea of Marmora with their wandering flames. By midnight, I was surrounded by one enormous furnace and a fiery sea, with both sea and sky ablaze, and the earth ignited. Not far from me to the left, I saw the massive Tophana barracks of the Cannoniers and the Artillery works finally take flight together; and three minutes later, down by the water, the Bombardiers' barrack and the Military School joined in dramatically; and then, to the right in the valley of Kassim, the Arsenal: these lighting up the sky like smoky suns, casting a bright light over many miles of sea and land; I noticed the two lines of bright flames where the barge-bridge and the raft-bridge over the Golden Horn hurriedly caught fire; and all that vastness burned rapidly, quicker and quicker—to fervor—to fury—to a collective frenzy: and when its red roaring stormed the infinite, and the power of its glowing heart was Gravitation, Being, Sensation, and I was its willing partner—then my head nodded, and with twisted lips, I sighed as if it were my last breath, and weakened, drunken, fell face down.



O wild Providence! Unfathomable madness of Heaven! that ever I should write what now I write! I will not write it....

O wild Providence! Unimaginable madness of Heaven! that I would ever write what I’m about to write! I won’t write it...


The hissing of it! It is only a crazy dream! a tearing-out of the hair by the roots to scatter upon the raving storms of Saturn! My hand will not write it!

The hissing of it! It's just a wild dream! tearing my hair out by the roots to scatter in the raging storms of Saturn! I can't write it!


In God's name——! During four nights after the burning I slept in a house—French as I saw by the books, &c., probably the Ambassador's, for it has very large gardens and a beautiful view over the sea, situated on the rapid east declivity of Pera; it is one of the few large houses which, for my safety, I had left standing round the minaret whence I had watched, this minaret being at the top of the old Mussulman quarter on the heights of Taxim, between Pera proper and Foundoucli. At the bottom, both at the quay of Foundoucli, and at that of Tophana, I had left under shelter two caiques for double safety, one a Sultan's gilt craft, with gold spur at the prow, and one a boat of those zaptias that used to patrol the Golden Horn as water-police: by one or other of these I meant to reach the Speranza, she being then safely anchored some distance up the Bosphorus coast. So, on the fifth morning I set out for the Tophana quay; but a light rain had fallen over-night, and this had re-excited the thin grey smoke resembling quenched steam, which, as from some reeking province of Abaddon, still trickled upward over many a square mile of blackened tract, though of flame I could see no sign. I had not accordingly advanced far over every sort of débris, when I found my eyes watering, my throat choked, and my way almost blocked by roughness: whereupon I said: 'I will turn back, cross the region of tombs and barren waste behind Pera, descend the hill, get the zaptia boat at the Foundoucli quay, and so reach the Speranza.'

In God's name! For four nights after the fire, I stayed in a house—French, as I could tell from the books and other things. It was probably the Ambassador's place, with large gardens and a stunning view of the sea, located on the steep eastern slope of Pera. It was one of the few big houses I had left standing for my safety, situated near the minaret where I had watched the events unfold. This minaret is at the top of the old Muslim quarter on the heights of Taxim, between Pera itself and Foundoucli. At the bottom, both at the Foundoucli quay and Tophana quay, I had left two caiques sheltered for extra safety, one a gilded Sultan's boat with a gold spur on the prow, and another from the zaptias who used to patrol the Golden Horn. I planned to use one of these to get to the Speranza, which was then safely anchored a distance up the Bosphorus coast. So, on the fifth morning, I set out for the Tophana quay. However, a light rain had fallen overnight, stirring up the thin gray smoke that looked like quenched steam. It still rose from many square miles of charred land, though there were no signs of flames. I hadn't gone far across all kinds of débris when my eyes started watering, my throat felt tight, and my path was almost blocked by rubble. So, I decided to turn back, cross through the area of tombs and barren land behind Pera, go down the hill, get the zaptia boat at the Foundoucli quay, and reach the Speranza.

Accordingly, I made my way out of the region of smoke, passed beyond the limits of smouldering ruin and tomb, and soon entered a rich woodland, somewhat scorched at first, but soon green and flourishing as the jungle. This cooled and soothed me, and being in no hurry to reach the ship, I was led on and on, in a somewhat north-western direction, I fancy. Somewhere hereabouts, I thought, was the place they called 'The Sweet Waters,' and I went on with the vague notion of coming upon them, thinking to pass the day, till afternoon, in the forest. Here nature, in only twenty years has returned to an exuberant savagery, and all was now the wildest vegetation, dark dells, rills wimpling through deep-brown shade of sensitive mimosa, large pendulous fuchsia, palm, cypress, mulberry, jonquil, narcissus, daffodil, rhododendron, acacia, fig. Once I stumbled upon a cemetery of old gilt tombs, absolutely overgrown and lost, and thrice caught glimpses of little trellised yalis choked in boscage. With slow and listless foot I went, munching an almond or an olive, though I could swear that olives were not formerly indigenous to any soil so northern: yet here they are now, pretty plentiful, though elementary, so that modifications whose end I cannot see are certainly proceeding in everything, some of the cypresses which I met that day being immense beyond anything I ever heard of: and the thought, I remember, was in my head, that if a twig or leaf should change into a bird, or a fish with wings, and fly before my eyes, what then should I do? and I would eye a branch suspiciously anon. After a long time I penetrated into a very sombre grove. The day outside the wood was brilliant and hot, and very still, the leaves and flowers here all motionless. I seemed, as it were, to hear the vacant silence of the world, and my foot treading on a twig, produced the report of pistols. I presently reached a glade in a thicket, about eight yards across, that had a scent of lime and orange, where the just-sufficient twilight enabled me to see some old bones, three skulls, and the edge of a tam-tam peeping from a tuft of wild corn with corn-flowers, and here and there some golden champac, and all about a profusion of musk-roses. I had stopped—why I do not recollect—perhaps thinking that if I was not getting to the Sweet Waters, I should seriously set about finding my way out. And as I stood looking about me, I remember that some cruising insect trawled near my ear its lonely drone.

Accordingly, I made my way out of the smoky area, passed beyond the ruins and graves, and soon entered a lush forest, a bit scorched at first but quickly turning green and thriving like a jungle. This coolness refreshed me, and with no rush to get to the ship, I kept going in what I guessed was a north-west direction. Somewhere around here, I thought, was the place they called 'The Sweet Waters,’ so I continued on with the vague hope of finding them, planning to spend the day in the woods. Nature, in just twenty years, had transformed into a wild and vibrant place, with dense vegetation, dark hollows, and streams winding through the deep brown shade of sensitive mimosa, large hanging fuchsia, palm, cypress, mulberry, jonquil, narcissus, daffodil, rhododendron, acacia, and fig. At one point, I stumbled upon a cemetery of old gilded tombs, completely overrun and forgotten, and caught sight of small trellised yalis tangled in bush. I walked slowly and lazily, munching on an almond or an olive, even though I could swear that olives didn’t grow in such northern soil before: yet here they were, fairly abundant but basic, indicating that changes I couldn’t quite see were happening all around me, some of the cypress trees I encountered that day being enormous beyond anything I’d ever heard of. I remember thinking that if a twig or leaf turned into a bird or a fish with wings and flew before me, what would I do? and I would eye a branch suspiciously now and then. After some time, I wandered into a very dark grove. Outside the woods, the day was bright and hot, and everything was still, with the leaves and flowers motionless. I felt as if I could hear the empty silence of the world, and when I stepped on a twig, it sounded like a gunshot. I eventually reached a clearing in a thicket, about eight yards wide, that smelled of lime and orange, where the just-right twilight let me see some old bones, three skulls, and the edge of a tam-tam peeking out from a bunch of wild corn with cornflowers, and scattered around were some golden champac and a profusion of musk-roses. I had stopped—why I don’t remember—maybe thinking that if I wasn’t getting to the Sweet Waters, I should really start figuring out how to get out. And as I stood there looking around, I recalled that a wandering insect buzzed near my ear with its lonely drone.

Suddenly, God knows, I started, I started.

Suddenly, I don’t know why, I began, I began.

I imagined—I dreamed—that I saw a pressure in a bed of moss and violets, recently made! And while I stood gloating upon that impossible thing, I imagined—I dreamed—the lunacy of it!—that I heard a laugh...! the laugh, my good God, of a human soul.

I imagined—I dreamed—that I saw a bump in a patch of moss and violets, just created! And while I stood admiring that unbelievable sight, I imagined—I dreamed—the craziness of it!—that I heard a laugh...! the laugh, my good God, of a human soul.

Or it seemed half a laugh, and half a sob: and it passed from me in one fleeting instant.

Or it felt like half a laugh and half a cry: and it slipped away from me in one brief moment.

Laughs, and sobs, and idiot hallucinations, I had often heard before, feet walking, sounds behind me: and even as I had heard them, I had known that they were nothing. But brief as was this impression, it was yet so thrillingly real, that my poor heart received, as it were, the very shock of death, and I fell backward into a mass of moss, supported on the right palm, while the left pressed my working bosom; and there, toiling to catch my breath, I lay still, all my soul focussed into my ears. But now I could hear no sound, save only the vast and audible hum of the silence of the universe.

Laughs, sobs, and crazy hallucinations, I had often heard before, footsteps behind me: and even as I heard them, I knew they were meaningless. But even though this feeling was brief, it was so intensely real that my poor heart felt a jolt, like a shock of death, and I fell back onto a patch of moss, propped up on my right palm, while my left pressed against my heaving chest; and there, struggling to catch my breath, I lay still, my entire focus on my ears. But now I could hear nothing, except the overwhelming and noticeable hum of the universe's silence.

There was, however, the foot-print. If my eye and ear should so conspire against me, that, I thought, was hard.

There was, however, the footprint. If my eye and ear teamed up against me, I thought that was tough.

Still I lay, still, in that same pose, without a stir, sick and dry-mouthed, infirm and languishing, with dying breaths: but keen, keen—and malign.

Still I lay, still, in that same position, completely motionless, feeling sick and with a dry mouth, weak and fading, taking shallow breaths: but sharp, sharp—and hostile.

I would wait, I said to myself, I would be artful as snakes, though so woefully sick and invalid: I would make no sound....

I would wait, I told myself, I would be clever like snakes, even though I felt so terribly sick and weak: I wouldn’t make a sound...

After some minutes I became conscious that my eyes were leering—leering in one fixed direction: and instantly, the mere fact that I had a sense of direction proved to me that I must, in truth, have heard something! I strove—I managed—to raise myself: and as I stood upright, feebly swaying there, not the terrors of death alone were in my breast, but the authority of the monarch was on my brow.

After a few minutes, I realized that my eyes were staring—staring in one fixed direction: and immediately, the simple fact that I had a sense of direction made me aware that I must, in fact, have heard something! I struggled—I succeeded—in lifting myself up: and as I stood there unsteadily, not only was I filled with the fear of death, but I also felt the weight of the monarch's authority on my brow.

I moved: I found the strength.

I made a move: I found my strength.

Slow step by slow step, with daintiest noiselessness, I moved to a thread of moss that from the glade passed into the thicket, and along its winding way I stepped, in the direction of the sound. Now my ears caught the purling noise of a brooklet, and following the moss-path, I was led into a mass of bush only two or three feet higher than my head. Through this, prowling like a stealthy cat, I wheedled my painful way, emerged upon a strip of open long-grass, and now was faced, three yards before me, by a wall of acacia-trees, prickly-pear and pichulas, between which and a forest beyond I spied a gleam of running water.

Slowly and quietly, I made my way to a patch of moss that led from the clearing into the dense thicket. Following its winding path, I moved toward the sound I heard. Now, I could hear the gentle babbling of a small stream, and as I continued along the mossy trail, I found myself in a tangle of bushes that were only a couple of feet taller than my head. I carefully made my way through, like a stealthy cat, and emerged into an area of tall grass. Just three yards in front of me was a wall of acacia trees, prickly pears, and pichulas, and between them and a forest beyond, I caught a glimpse of shimmering water.

On hands and knees I crept toward the acacia-thicket, entered it a little, and leaning far forward, peered. And there—at once—ten yards to my right—I saw.

On my hands and knees, I crawled toward the acacia thicket, went in a bit, and leaned forward to look. And there—immediately—ten yards to my right—I saw.

Singular to say, my agitation, instead of intensifying to the point of apoplexy and death, now, at the actual sight, subsided to something very like calmness. With malign and sullen eye askance I stood, and steadily I watched her there.

Singular to say, my agitation, instead of intensifying to the point of apoplexy and death, now, at the actual sight, subsided to something very like calmness. With a malicious and brooding glance, I stood off to the side, watching her intently.


She was on her knees, her palms lightly touching the ground, supporting her. At the edge of the streamlet she knelt, and she was looking with a species of startled shy astonishment at the reflexion of her face in the limpid brown water. And I, with sullen eye askance regarded her a good ten minutes' space.

She was on her knees, her palms gently resting on the ground for support. At the edge of the stream, she knelt, staring with a kind of surprised, shy amazement at her reflection in the clear brown water. Meanwhile, I watched her from the side with a brooding expression for a good ten minutes.


I believe that her momentary laugh and sob, which I had heard, was the result of surprise at seeing her own image; and I firmly believe, from the expression of her face, that this was the first time that she had seen it.

I think that her brief laugh and cry, which I heard, were because she was surprised to see her own reflection; and I truly believe, based on the look on her face, that this was the first time she had ever seen it.


Never, I thought, as I stood moodily gazing, had I seen on the earth a creature so fair (though, analysing now at leisure, I can quite conclude that there was nothing at all remarkable about her good looks). Her hair, somewhat lighter than auburn, and frizzy, was a real garment to her nakedness, covering her below the hips, some strings of it falling, too, into the water: her eyes, a dark blue, were wide in a most silly expression of bewilderment. Even as I eyed and eyed her, she slowly rose: and at once I saw in all her manner an air of unfamiliarity with the world, as of one wholly at a loss what to do. Her pupils did not seem accustomed to light; and I could swear that that was the first day in which she had seen a tree or a stream.

Never, I thought as I stood there moodily staring, had I seen a creature so beautiful on earth (though, now that I think about it, there was really nothing special about her looks). Her hair, a bit lighter than auburn and frizzy, was like a garment for her nakedness, reaching down past her hips, with some strands falling into the water too. Her dark blue eyes had a silly, bewildered expression. As I watched her, she slowly got up, and I immediately noticed an unfamiliarity in her manner, as if she was completely unsure of what to do. It seemed like her eyes weren't used to light, and I could swear this was the first day she had ever seen a tree or a stream.

Her age appeared eighteen or twenty. I guessed that she was of Circassian blood, or, at least, origin. Her skin was whitey-brown, or old ivory-white.

Her age seemed to be around eighteen or twenty. I guessed she was of Circassian descent, or at least had that kind of background. Her skin had a light brown tone, almost like aged ivory.


She stood up motionless, at a loss. She took a lock of her hair, and drew it through her lips. There was some look in her eyes, which I could plainly see now, somehow indicating wild hunger, though the wood was full of food. After letting go her hair, she stood again feckless and imbecile, with sideward-hung head, very pitiable to see I think now, though no faintest pity touched me then. It was clear that she did not at all know what to make of the look of things. Finally, she sat on a moss-bank, reached and took a musk-rose on her palm, and looked hopelessly at it.

She stood up, frozen, feeling lost. She took a strand of her hair and ran it through her fingers. There was a look in her eyes that I could clearly see now, somehow showing a deep longing, even though the woods were full of food. After letting go of her hair, she stood there again, helpless and dazed, with her head hanging to the side, looking very pitiful now that I think about it, though I felt not a trace of pity at the time. It was obvious that she had no idea what to make of the situation. Eventually, she sat on a mossy patch, picked a musk-rose, and hopelessly gazed at it.


One minute after my first actual sight of her my extravagance of agitation, I say, died down to something like calm. The earth was mine by old right: I felt that: and this creature a mere slave upon whom, without heat or haste, I might perform my will: and for some time I stood, coolly enough considering what that will should be.

One minute after I first saw her, my intense agitation settled down to something like calm. The earth was mine by old right; I felt that. This woman was just a slave on whom I could carry out my will without rush or anger, and for a while, I stood there, coolly considering what that will should be.

I had at my girdle the little cangiar, with silver handle encrusted with coral, and curved blade six inches long, damascened in gold, and sharp as a razor; the blackest and the basest of all the devils of the Pit was whispering in my breast with calm persistence: 'Kill, kill—and eat.'

I had the small dagger at my waist, with a silver handle decorated with coral, and a six-inch curved blade, made with gold patterns, sharp as a razor; the darkest and lowest of all the devils from Hell was quietly urging me: 'Kill, kill—and eat.'

Why I should have killed her I do not know. That question I now ask myself. It must be true, true that it is 'not good' for man to be alone. There was a religious sect in the Past which called itself 'Socialist': and with these must have been the truth, man being at his best and highest when most social, and at his worst and lowest when isolated: for the Earth gets hold of all isolation, and draws it, and makes it fierce, base, and materialistic, like sultans, aristocracies, and the like: but Heaven is where two or three are gathered together. It may be so: I do not know, nor care. But I know that after twenty years of solitude on a planet the human soul is more enamoured of solitude than of life, shrinking like a tender nerve from the rough intrusion of Another into the secret realm of Self: and hence, perhaps, the bitterness with which solitary castes, Brahmins, patricians, aristocracies, always resisted any attempt to invade their slowly-acquired domain of privileges. Also, it may be true, it may, it may, that after twenty years of solitary selfishness, a man becomes, without suspecting it—not at all noticing the slow stages—a real and true beast, a horrible, hideous beast, mad, prowling, like that King of Babylon, his nails like birds' claws, and his hair like eagles' feathers, with instincts all inflamed and fierce, delighting in darkness and crime for their own sake. I do not know, nor care: but I know that, as I drew the cangiar, the basest and the slyest of all the devils was whispering me, tongue in cheek: 'Kill, kill—and be merry.'

Why I should have killed her, I don’t know. That’s the question I keep asking myself. It must be true that it’s 'not good' for man to be alone. There was a religious group in the past that called itself 'Socialist,' and with them must have been the truth that a person is at their best when they are social, and at their lowest when they are isolated; because the Earth feeds off all solitude, turning it fierce, base, and materialistic, like sultans and aristocracies. But Heaven is where two or three are gathered together. It might be true; I don’t know, nor do I care. But I know that after twenty years of living alone on this planet, the human soul becomes more attached to solitude than to life, recoiling like a sensitive nerve from the rough invasion of Another into the private space of Self. Maybe that’s why solitary groups—Brahmins, patricians, aristocracies—always resisted any attempts to invade their slowly accumulated privileges. Also, it might be true that after twenty years of selfish solitude, a man becomes, without realizing it—without noticing the gradual shifts—a genuine beast, a horrible, hideous beast, mad, prowling, like that King of Babylon, with nails like claws of birds and hair like eagle feathers, driven by instincts that are all inflamed and fierce, reveling in darkness and crime for their own sake. I don’t know, nor do I care; but I know that as I drew the cangiar, the most base and cunning of all the devils whispered to me, tongue in cheek: 'Kill, kill—and be merry.'

With excruciating slowness, like a crawling glacier, tender as a nerve of the touching leaves, I moved, I stole, obliquely toward her through the wall of bush, the knife behind my back. Once only there was a restraint, a check: I felt myself held back: I had to stop: for one of the ends of my divided beard had caught in a limb of prickly-pear.

With torturous slowness, like a creeping glacier, gentle as the sensation of touching leaves, I moved, I crept, sideways toward her through the thicket, the knife hidden behind my back. Only once was there a pause, an obstacle: I felt something holding me back: I had to stop: because one of the ends of my split beard had gotten snagged on a thorny pear branch.

I set to disentangling it: and it was, I believe, at the moment of succeeding that I first noticed the state of the sky, a strip of which I could see across the rivulet: a minute or so before it had been pretty clear, but now was busy with hurrying clouds. It was a sinister muttering of thunder which had made me glance upward.

I started to untangle it, and I think it was right when I succeeded that I first noticed the sky, a strip of which I could see across the stream. Just a minute earlier, it had been fairly clear, but now it was filled with fast-moving clouds. It was a low rumble of thunder that made me look up.

When my eyes returned to the sitting figure, she was looking foolishly about the sky with an expression which almost proved that she had never before heard that sound of thunder, or at least had no idea what it could bode. My fixed regard lost not one of her movements, while inch by inch, not breathing, careful as the poise of a balance, I crawled. And suddenly, with a rush, I was out in the open, running her down....

When my eyes went back to the woman sitting there, she was looking around at the sky with a confused expression that suggested she had never heard thunder before, or at least didn’t know what it might mean. I kept my gaze locked on her every move while, inch by inch, barely breathing and as steady as a scale, I crept closer. Then suddenly, I burst out into the open, chasing her down....

She leapt: perhaps two, perhaps three, paces she fled: then stock still she stood—within some four yards of me—with panting nostrils, with enquiring face.

She jumped: maybe two, maybe three steps she took to escape: then suddenly she froze—about four yards away from me—breathing heavily, with a curious expression on her face.

I saw it all in one instant, and in one instant all was over. I had not checked the impetus of my run at her stoppage, and I was on the point of reaching her with uplifted knife, when I was suddenly checked and smitten by a stupendous violence: a flash of blinding light, attracted by the steel which I held, struck tingling through my frame, and at the same time the most passionate crash of thunder that ever shocked a poor human ear felled me to the ground. The cangiar, snatched from my hand, fell near the girl's foot.

I saw everything in an instant, and just like that, it was all over. I hadn’t adjusted my speed as I ran toward her, and I was about to reach her with the knife raised when suddenly I was stopped and hit by an overwhelming force: a blinding flash of light, drawn in by the steel I was holding, coursed through my body, and at the same time, the loudest clap of thunder I’ve ever heard knocked me to the ground. The knife slipped from my grip and fell near the girl’s feet.

I did not entirely lose consciousness, though, surely, the Powers no longer hide themselves from me, and their close contact is too intolerably rough and vigorous for a poor mortal man. During, I should think, three or four minutes, I lay so astounded under that bullying cry of wrath, that I could not move a finger. When at last I did sit up, the girl was standing near me, with a sort of smile, holding out to me the cangiar in a pouring rain.

I didn’t completely lose consciousness, but it was clear that the Powers weren’t hiding from me anymore, and their presence was way too harsh and overwhelming for an ordinary person. For, I would guess, three or four minutes, I lay there, stunned by that aggressive shout of anger, unable to move a muscle. When I finally sat up, the girl was standing next to me, smiling in a way, offering me the cangiar while rain poured down.

I took it from her, and my doddering fingers dropped it into the stream.

I took it from her, and my shaky fingers let it fall into the stream.


Pour, pour came the rain, raining as it can in this place, not long, but a deluge while it lasts, dripping in thick-liquidity, like a profuse sweat, through the forest, I seeking to get back by the way I had come, flying, but with difficulty and slowness, and a feeling in me that I was being tracked. And so it proved: for when I struck into more open space, nearly opposite the west walls, but now on the north side of the Golden Horn, where there is a flat grassy ground somewhere between the valley of Kassim and Charkoi, with horror I saw that protégée of Heaven, or of someone, not ten yards behind, following me like a mechanical figure, it being now near three in the afternoon, and the rain drenching me through, and I tired and hungry, and from all the ruins of Constantinople not one whiff of smoke ascending.

Pour, pour came the rain, pouring as it does in this place, not for long, but a downpour while it lasts, dripping heavily through the forest, me trying to retrace my steps, rushing, but with difficulty and slowness, and a feeling inside me that I was being followed. And so it turned out: for when I reached a more open area, nearly opposite the west walls, but now on the north side of the Golden Horn, where there’s a flat grassy patch somewhere between the valley of Kassim and Charkoi, I was horrified to see that protégée of Heaven, or of someone, not ten yards behind, trailing me like a mechanical figure, it being close to three in the afternoon, and the rain soaking me through, and I was tired and hungry, and from all the ruins of Constantinople, not a single wisp of smoke was rising.

I trudged on wearily till I came to the quay of Foundoucli, and the zaptia boat; and there she was with me still, her hair nothing but a thin drowned string down her back.

I walked along tiredly until I reached the Foundoucli quay and the zaptia boat; and there she was with me still, her hair just a thin, wet strand hanging down her back.


Not only can she not speak to me in any language that I know: but she can speak in no language: it is my firm belief that she has never spoken.

Not only can she not talk to me in any language I understand, but she also can’t communicate in any language: I truly believe that she has never spoken.

She never saw a boat, or water, or the world, till now—I could swear it. She came into the boat with me, and sat astern, clinging for dear life to the gunwale by her finger-nails, and I paddled the eight hundred yards to the Speranza, and she came up to the deck after me. When she saw the open water, the boat, the yalis on the coast, and then the ship, astonishment was imprinted on her face. But she appears to know little fear. She smiled like a child, and on the ship touched this and that, as if each were a living thing.

She had never seen a boat, water, or the world until now—I swear it. She got into the boat with me and sat at the back, gripping the edge for dear life with her fingernails, while I paddled the eight hundred yards to the Speranza. She followed me up to the deck. When she saw the open water, the boat, the shore, and then the ship, astonishment lit up her face. But she doesn’t seem to know much fear. She smiled like a child and explored the ship, touching everything as if each item were alive.

It was only here and there that one could see the ivory-brown colour of her skin: the rest was covered with dirt, like old bottles long lying in cellars.

It was only in a few spots that you could see the ivory-brown color of her skin; the rest was covered in dirt, like old bottles that had been sitting in cellars for a long time.

By the time we reached the Speranza, the rain suddenly stopped: I went down to my cabin to change my clothes, and had to shut the door in her face to keep her out. When I opened it, she was there, and she followed me to the windlass, when I went to set the anchor-engine going. I intended, I suppose, to take her to Imbros, where she might live in one of the broken-down houses of the village. But when the anchor was not yet half up, I stopped the engine, and let the chain run again. For I said, 'No, I will be alone, I am not a child.'

By the time we got to the Speranza, the rain suddenly stopped. I went down to my cabin to change my clothes and had to shut the door in her face to keep her out. When I opened it, she was there, and she followed me to the windlass as I went to start the anchor engine. I guess I planned to take her to Imbros, where she could live in one of the rundown houses in the village. But when the anchor wasn't even halfway up, I stopped the engine and let the chain fall back down. I said, 'No, I want to be alone; I'm not a child.'

I knew that she was hungry by the look in her eyes: but I cared nothing for that. I was hungry, too: and that was all I cared about.

I could see she was hungry by the look in her eyes, but I didn't care about that. I was hungry too, and that was all that mattered to me.

I would not let her be there with me another instant. I got down into the boat, and when she followed, I rowed her back all the way past Foundoucli and the Tophana quay to where one turns into the Golden Horn by St. Sophia, around the mouth of the Horn being a vast semicircle of charred wreckage, carried out by the river-currents. I went up the steps on the Galata side before one comes to where the barge-bridge was. When she had followed me on to the embankment, I walked up one of those rising streets, very encumbered now with stone-débris and ashes, but still marked by some standing black wall-fragments, it being now not far from night, but the air as clear and washed as the translucency of a great purple diamond with the rain and the afterglow of the sun, and all the west aflame.

I wouldn't let her stay with me for another moment. I got into the boat, and when she followed, I rowed her all the way back past Foundoucli and the Tophana quay to where you turn into the Golden Horn by St. Sophia. The mouth of the Horn was filled with a huge semicircle of charred wreckage, swept out by the river currents. I climbed up the steps on the Galata side before reaching where the barge-bridge was. After she followed me onto the embankment, I walked up one of those steep streets, now cluttered with stone debris and ashes, but still marked by some standing black wall fragments. It was getting close to night, but the air was as clear and fresh as a large purple diamond after rain, with the sun setting and the whole west glowing.

When I was about a hundred yards up in this old mixed quarter of Greeks, Turks, Jews, Italians, Albanians, and noise and cafedjis and wine-bibbing, having turned two corners, I suddenly gathered my skirts, spun round, and, as fast as I could, was off at a heavy trot back to the quay. She was after me, but being taken by surprise, I suppose, was distanced a little at first. However, by the time I could scurry myself down into the boat, she was so near, that she only saved herself from the water by a balancing stoppage at the brink, as I pushed off. I then set out to get back to the ship, muttering: 'You can have Turkey, if you like, and I will keep the rest of the world.'

When I was about a hundred yards into this old mixed neighborhood filled with Greeks, Turks, Jews, Italians, Albanians, and the sounds of cafés and drinkers, I turned two corners, suddenly gathered my skirts, spun around, and quickly took off at a brisk trot back to the quay. She was chasing me, but I guess she was caught off guard, so she fell behind a bit at first. However, by the time I hurried down into the boat, she was so close that she barely avoided falling into the water by stopping just in time at the edge as I pushed off. I then set out to get back to the ship, muttering, 'You can have Turkey if you want, and I’ll take the rest of the world.'

I rowed sea-ward, my face toward her, but steadily averted, for I would not look her way to see what she was doing. However, as I turned the point of the quay, where the open sea washes quite rough and loud, to go northward and disappear from her, I heard a babbling cry—the first sound which she had uttered. I did look then: and she was still quite near me, for the silly maniac had been running along the embankment, following me.

I rowed out to sea, facing her but deliberately turning away because I didn’t want to see what she was up to. However, as I rounded the corner of the quay, where the open sea was crashing loudly, heading north to get out of her sight, I heard a gurgling cry—the first sound she had made. I looked then: and she was still quite close because the foolish woman had been running along the embankment after me.

'Little fool!' I cried out across the water, 'what are you after now?' And, oh my good God, shall I ever forget that strangeness, that wild strangeness, of my own voice, addressing on this earth another human soul?

'Little fool!' I yelled across the water, 'what are you up to now?' And, oh my God, will I ever forget that oddness, that wild oddness, of my own voice, speaking to another human being on this earth?

There she stood, whimpering like an abandoned dog after me. I turned the boat, rowed, came to the first steps, landed, and struck her two stinging slaps, one on each cheek. While she cowered, surprised no doubt, I took her by the hand, led her back to the boat, landed on the Stamboul side, and set off, still leading her, my object being to find some sort of possible edifice near by, not hopelessly burned, in which to leave her: for in all Galata there was plainly none, and Pera, I thought, was too far to walk to. But it would have been better if I had gone to Pera, for we had to walk quite three miles from Seraglio Point all along the city battlements to the Seven-towers, she picking her bare-footed way after me through the great Sahara of charred stuff, and night now well arrived, and the moon a-drift in the heaven, making the desolate lonesomeness of the ruins tenfold desolate, so that my heart smote me then with bitterness and remorse, and I had a vision of myself that night which I will not put down on paper. At last, however, pretty late in the evening, I spied a large mansion with green lattice-work façade, and shaknisier, and terrace-roof, which had been hidden from me by the arcades of a bazaar, a vast open space at about the centre of Stamboul, one of the largest of the bazaars, I should think, in the middle of which stood the mansion, probably the home of pasha or vizier: for it had a very distinguished look in that place. It seemed very little hurt, though the vegetation that had apparently choked the great open space was singed to a black fluff, among which lay thousands of calcined bones of man, horse, ass, and camel, for all was distinct in the bright, yet so pensive and forlorn, moonlight, which was that Eastern moonlight of pure astral mystery which illumines Persepolis, and Babylon, and ruined cities of the old Anakim.

There she stood, whimpering like a lost dog after me. I turned the boat, rowed, reached the first steps, landed, and gave her two sharp slaps, one on each cheek. While she flinched, undoubtedly surprised, I took her by the hand, led her back to the boat, landed on the Stamboul side, and started off, still holding her hand, my goal being to find some building nearby that wasn't completely burned down where I could leave her: because in all of Galata, there was clearly none, and Pera seemed too far to walk to. But I would have been better off going to Pera, as we had to walk nearly three miles from Seraglio Point all along the city walls to the Seven Towers, her barefoot and trailing behind me through the vast desert of charred debris, and by now it was night, with the moon drifting in the sky, making the empty desolation of the ruins feel even more lonely, so that a wave of bitterness and guilt hit me, and I had a vision of myself that night that I won’t write down. Finally, pretty late in the evening, I spotted a large mansion with a green lattice façade, and a terrace roof, which had been concealed from me by the arcade of a bazaar, in a vast open area roughly in the middle of Stamboul, one of the largest bazaars, I guess, in which stood the mansion, probably the home of a pasha or vizier: for it had a very impressive look in that location. It appeared to be mostly unharmed, although the vegetation that had choked the large open area was burned to a black ash, among which lay thousands of burnt bones from men, horses, donkeys, and camels, all visible in the bright, yet so melancholy and empty, moonlight, the type of Eastern moonlight that illuminates Persepolis, and Babylon, and the ruined cities of the ancient Anakim.

The house, I knew, would contain divans, yatags, cushions, foods, wines, sherbets, henna, saffron, mastic, raki, haschish, costumes, and a hundred luxuries still good. There was an outer wall, but the foliage over it had been singed away, and the gate all charred. It gave way at a push from my palm. The girl was close behind me. I next threw open a little green lattice-door in the façade under the shaknisier, and entered. Here it was dark, and the moment that she, too, was within, I slipped out quickly, slammed the door in her face, and hooked it upon her by a little hook over the latch.

The house, as I expected, would have couches, yatags, cushions, food, wine, sherbet, henna, saffron, mastic, raki, hashish, outfits, and countless other luxuries. There was an outer wall, but the plants over it had been burned away, and the gate was all scorched. It opened with a push from my hand. The girl was right behind me. I then swung open a small green lattice door in the front under the shaknisier and stepped inside. It was dark here, and the moment she came in too, I quickly slipped out, slammed the door in her face, and secured it with a little hook over the latch.

I now walked some yards beyond the court, then stopped, listening for her expected cry: but all was still: five minutes—ten—I waited: but no sound. I then continued my morose and melancholy way, hollow with hunger, intending to start that night for Imbros.

I walked a few yards beyond the court and then paused, listening for her expected shout, but everything was quiet. I waited for five minutes—then ten—but still no sound. I continued on my gloomy and sad path, feeling empty with hunger, planning to leave for Imbros that night.

But this time I had hardly advanced twenty steps, when I heard a frail and strangled cry, apparently in mid-air behind me, and glancing, saw the creature lying at the gateway, a white thing in black stubble-ashes. She had evidently jumped, well outward, from a small casement of lattice on a level with the little shaknisier grating, through which once peeped bright eyes, thirty feet aloft.

But this time I had barely taken twenty steps when I heard a weak, strangled cry coming from behind me, and when I looked, I saw the creature lying at the gateway, a pale figure against the black ash. She had clearly jumped out from a small lattice window, level with the little shaknisier grating, through which bright eyes once peered, thirty feet up.

I hardly believe that she was conscious of any danger in jumping, for all the laws of life are new to her, and, having sought and found the opening, she may have merely come with blind instinctiveness after me, taking the first way open to her. I walked back, pulled at her arm, and found that she could not stand. Her face was screwed with silent pain—she did not moan. Her left foot, I could see, was bleeding: and by the wounded ankle I took her, and dragged her so through the ashes across the narrow court, and tossed her like a little dog with all my force within the door, cursing her.

I can hardly believe she was aware of any danger in jumping, since all the rules of life are new to her. Having searched for and found the opening, she might have just followed me out of instinct, choosing the first path available. I walked back, pulled on her arm, and realized she couldn’t stand. Her face was twisted in silent pain—she didn’t make a sound. I could see that her left foot was bleeding, so I took her by the injured ankle and dragged her through the ashes across the narrow courtyard, then threw her inside the door with all my strength, cursing at her.

Now I would not go back the long way to the ship, but struck a match, and went lighting up girandoles, cressets, candelabra, into a confusion of lights among great numbers of pale-tinted pillars, rose and azure, with verd-antique, olive, and Portoro marble, and serpentine. The mansion was large, I having to traverse quite a desert of embroidered brocade-hangings, slender columns, and Broussa silks, till I saw a stair-case doorway behind a Smyrna portière, went up, and wandered some time in a house of gilt-barred windows, with very little furniture, but palatial spaces, solitary huge pieces of faïence of inestimable age, and arms, my footfalls quite stifled in the Persian carpeting. I passed through a covered-in hanging-gallery, with one window-grating overlooking an inner court, and by this entered the harem, which declared itself by a greater luxury, bric-à-bracerie, and profusion of manner. Here, descending a short curved stair behind a portière, I came into a marble-paved sort of larder, in which was an old negress in blue dress, her hair still adhering, and an infinite supply of sweetmeats, French preserved foods, sherbets, wines, and so on. I put a number of things into a pannier, went up again, found some of those exquisite pale cigarettes which drunken in the hollow of an emerald, also a jewelled two-yard-long chibouque, and tembaki: and with all descended by another stair, and laid them on the steps of a little raised kiosk of green marble in a corner of the court; went up again, and brought down a still-snowy yatag to sleep on; and there, by the kiosk-step, ate and passed the night, smoking for several hours in a state of languor. In the centre of the court is a square marble well, looking white through a rankness of wild vine, acacias in flower, weeds, jasmines, and roses, which overgrew it, as well as the kiosk and the whole court, climbing even the four-square arcade of Moorish arches round the open space, under one of which I had deposited a long lantern of crimson silk: for here no breath of the fire had come. About two in morning I fell to sleep, a deeper peace of shadow now reigning where so long the melancholy silver of the moon had lingered.

Now I wouldn't take the long way back to the ship. Instead, I struck a match and lit up the chandeliers, torches, and candle holders, creating a mix of lights among countless pale-tinted pillars—rose and blue, with greenish antique, olive, Portoro marble, and serpentine. The mansion was large, and I had to make my way through a sea of embroidered brocade hangings, slender columns, and Broussa silks until I found a staircase doorway behind a Smyrna curtain. I went up and wandered for a while in a house with gilt-barred windows, very little furniture, but vast spaces, solitary huge pieces of ancient pottery, and plush carpets that muffled my footsteps. I passed through a covered gallery with a window grate overlooking an inner courtyard, which led me to the harem. It announced itself with even more luxury, knickknacks, and an abundance of style. Here, after descending a short curved staircase behind a curtain, I entered a marble-paved pantry, where an elderly Black woman in a blue dress was present, her hair still intact, surrounded by an endless supply of sweets, preserved foods, sherbets, wines, and more. I filled a basket with several items, went back up, found some of those delicate pale cigarettes that smelled amazing, as well as a two-yard-long jeweled pipe and tobacco. After that, I went down another stair and set them on the steps of a small green marble kiosk in a corner of the courtyard. I went back up and brought down a still-snowy mattress to sleep on, and there, by the kiosk step, I ate and spent the night, smoking for several hours in a state of relaxation. In the center of the courtyard was a square marble well, looking white among a tangle of wild vines, flowering acacias, weeds, jasmine, and roses that overtook it, as well as the kiosk and the entire courtyard, climbing even the four-square arcade of Moorish arches surrounding the open space, under one of which I had placed a long crimson silk lantern: for here, no breath of fire had come. Around two in the morning, I fell asleep, enveloped in a deeper peace of shadow where melancholy silver of the moon had lingered for so long.


About eight in the morning I rose and made my way to the front, intending that that should be my last night in this ruined place: for all the night, sleeping and waking, the thing which had happened filled my brain, growing from one depth of incredibility to a deeper, so that at last I arrived at a sort of certainty that it could be nothing but a drunken dream: but as I opened my eyes afresh, the deep-cutting realisation of that impossibility smote like a pang of lightning-stroke through my being: and I said: 'I will go again to the far Orient, and forget': and I started out from the court, not knowing what had become of her during the night, till, having reached the outer chamber, with a wild start I saw her lying there at the door in the very spot where I had flung her, asleep sideways, head on arm ... Softly, softly, I stept over her, got out, and went running at a cautious clandestine trot. The morning was in high fête, most fresh and pure, and to breathe was to be young, and to see such a sunlight lighten even upon ruin so vast was to be blithe. After running two hundred yards to one of the great broken bazaar-portals, I looked back to see if I was followed: but all that space was desolately empty. I then walked on past the arch, on which a green oblong, once inscribed, as usual, with some text in gilt hieroglyphs, is still discernible; and, emerging, saw the great panorama of destruction, a few vast standing walls, with hollow Oriental windows framing deep sky beyond, and here and there a pillar, or half-minaret, and down within the walls of the old Seraglio still some leafless, branchless trunks, and in Eyoub and Phanar leafless forests, and on the northern horizon Pera with the steep upper-half of the Iani-Chircha street still there, and on the height the European houses, and all between blackness, stones, a rolling landscape of ravine, like the hilly pack-ice of the North if its snow were ink, and to the right Scutari, black, laid low, with its vast region of tombs, and rare stumps of its forests, and the blithe blue sea, with the widening semicircle of floating débris, looking like brown foul scum at some points, congested before the bridgeless Golden Horn: for I stood pretty high in the centre of Stamboul somewhere in the region of the Suleimanieh, or of Sultan-Selim, as I judged, with immense purviews into abstract distances and mirage. And to me it seemed too vast, too lonesome, and after advancing a few hundred yards beyond the bazaar, I turned again.

About eight in the morning, I got up and headed to the front, planning for it to be my last night in this ruined place. All night, whether sleeping or awake, the event that had happened filled my mind, escalating from one level of disbelief to a deeper one, until I reached a sort of certainty that it must have just been a drunken dream. But as I opened my eyes again, the deep-cutting realization of that impossibility struck me like a bolt of lightning: and I said, "I will go back to the far East and forget." I stepped out from the courtyard, unsure of what had happened to her during the night, until I reached the outer chamber, and with a jolt, I saw her lying at the door in the exact spot where I had thrown her, asleep on her side with her head resting on her arm. Quietly, I stepped over her, made my way out, and took off at a cautious, sneaky jog. The morning was vibrant, fresh, and pure, and to breathe felt rejuvenating. Seeing sunlight illuminating even such a vast ruin was uplifting. After running two hundred yards to one of the large broken bazaar entrances, I turned back to see if anyone was following me, but that space was desolately empty. I walked on past the arch, where a green rectangle, once inscribed with some text in gold hieroglyphs, was still faintly visible. As I continued, I beheld the sweeping view of destruction, with a few massive standing walls and hollow Oriental windows opening to the deep sky beyond, along with a pillar or half a minaret here and there. Inside the walls of the old Seraglio, some leafless, branchless trunks stood, while in Eyoub and Phanar, there were leafless forests. In the northern horizon, Pera remained, with the steep upper part of Iani-Chircha street still intact, and above it, European houses, all amid a landscape of blackness and stones, resembling hilly pack-ice if its snow were ink. To the right lay Scutari, dark and in ruins, with its vast area of tombs and scattered stumps of its forests, along with the cheerful blue sea dotted with a widening semicircle of floating debris, appearing like brown scum in some areas, congested before the bridgeless Golden Horn. I stood fairly high in the center of Stamboul, somewhere near the Suleimanieh or Sultan-Selim, as I estimated, with expansive views into far distances and mirage. It seemed too vast and too lonely, and after going a few hundred yards beyond the bazaar, I turned back.


I found the girl still asleep at the house-door, and stirring her with my foot, woke her. She leapt up with a start of surprise, and a remarkable sinuous agility, and gazed an astounded moment at me, till, separating reality from dream and habit, she realised me: but immediately subsided to the floor again, being in evident pain. I pulled her up, and made her limp after me through several halls to the inner court, and the well, where I set her upon the weedy margin, took her foot in my lap, examined it, drew water, washed it, and bandaged it with a strip torn from my caftan-hem, now and again speaking gruffly to her, so that she might no more follow me.

I found the girl still asleep at the door, and nudging her with my foot, I woke her up. She jumped up in surprise, moving with incredible grace, and stared at me in shock for a moment until she separated reality from her dreams and recognized me. But then she immediately sank back down to the floor, clearly in pain. I pulled her up and made her hobble after me through several halls to the inner courtyard and the well, where I sat her on the weedy edge, took her foot in my lap, examined it, drew water, washed it, and bandaged it with a strip torn from my caftan-hem, speaking gruffly to her now and then so she wouldn’t follow me anymore.

After this, I had breakfast by the kiosk-steps, and when I was finished, put a mass of truffled foie gras on a plate, brushed through the thicket to the well, and gave it her. She took it, but looked foolish, not eating. I then, with my forefinger, put a little into her mouth, whereupon she set hungrily to eat it all. I also gave her some ginger-bread, a handful of bonbons, some Krishnu wine, and some anisette.

After that, I had breakfast by the kiosk steps, and when I was done, I put a bunch of truffled foie gras on a plate, pushed through the bushes to the well, and gave it to her. She took it but looked silly for not eating it. So, I used my finger to put a bit in her mouth, and then she eagerly began eating it all. I also gave her some gingerbread, a handful of candies, some Krishnu wine, and some anisette.

I then started out afresh, gruffly bidding her stay there, and left her sitting on the well, her hair falling down the opening, she peering after me through the bushes. But I had not half reached the ogival bazaar-portal, when looking anxiously back, I saw that she was limping after me. So that this creature tracks me in the manner of a nutshell following about in the wake of a ship.

I then set off again, gruffly telling her to stay put, and left her sitting by the well, her hair spilling into the opening as she watched me through the bushes. But just as I was nearing the pointed arch of the market entrance, I looked back anxiously and saw that she was limping after me. It's like this person is following me around like a little shell trailing behind a ship.

I turned back with her to the house, for it was necessary that I should plan some further method of eluding her. That was five days ago, and here I have stayed: for the house and court are sufficiently agreeable, and form a museum of real objets d'art. It is settled, however, that to-morrow I return to Imbros.

I turned back with her to the house because I needed to come up with another way to avoid her. That was five days ago, and I've been here since: the house and courtyard are nice enough and feel like a museum of real objets d'art. However, it’s decided that tomorrow I’ll head back to Imbros.


It seems certain that she never wore, saw, nor knew of, clothes.

It seems clear that she never wore, saw, or knew about clothes.

I have dressed her, first sousing her thoroughly with sponge and soap in luke-warm rose-water in the silver cistern of the harem-bath, which is a circular marbled apartment with a fountain and the complicated ceilings of these houses, and frescoes, and gilt texts of the Koran on the walls, and pale rose-silk hangings. On the divan I had heaped a number of selected garments, and having shewed her how to towel herself, I made her step into a pair of the trousers called shintiyan made of yellow-striped white-silk; this, by a running string, I tied loosely round the upper part of her hips; then, drawing up the bottoms to her knees, tied them there, so that their voluminous baggy folds, overhanging still to the ankles, have rather the look of a skirt; over this I put upon her a blue-striped chiffon chemise, or quamis, reaching a little below the hips; I then put on a short jacket or vest of scarlet satin, thickly embroidered in gold and precious stones, reaching somewhat below the waist, and pretty tight-fitting; and, making her lie on the couch, I put upon her little feet little yellow baboosh-slippers, then anklets, on her fingers rings, round her neck a necklace of sequins, finally dyeing her nails, which I cut, with henna. There remained her head, but with this I would have nothing to do, only pointing to the tarboosh which I had brought, to a square kerchief, to some corals, and to the fresco of a woman on the wall, which, if she chose, she might copy. Lastly, I pierced her ears with the silver needles which they used here: and after two hours of it left her.

I dressed her, first soaking her completely with a sponge and soap in lukewarm rose-water from the silver cistern of the harem bath, which is a circular marble room with a fountain, intricate ceilings, frescoes, and gilded verses from the Koran on the walls, and soft rose-silk drapes. On the divan, I had piled up a selection of outfits, and after showing her how to dry off, I helped her into a pair of trousers called shintiyan, made of yellow-striped white silk; I loosely tied these around her hips with a string, then pulled up the bottoms to her knees and tied them there, giving the voluminous, baggy folds a skirt-like appearance. Over this, I put a blue-striped chiffon chemise, or quamis, that reached just below her hips; then, I added a short scarlet satin jacket, heavily embroidered with gold and precious stones, which reached slightly below the waist and fit snugly. Making her lie down on the couch, I slipped little yellow baboosh slippers onto her feet, then added anklets, rings for her fingers, and a sequin necklace around her neck, finishing by dyeing her nails with henna. The only thing left was her head, which I left for her to handle, pointing to the tarboosh I had brought, a square kerchief, some corals, and a fresco of a woman on the wall that she could use as inspiration. Finally, I pierced her ears with the silver needles used here, and after two hours of this, I left her.

About an hour afterwards I saw her in the arcade round the court, and, to my great surprise, she had a perfect plait down her back, and over her head and brows a green-silk feredjeh, or hood, precisely as in the picture.

About an hour later, I saw her in the arcade around the courtyard, and, to my surprise, she had a perfect braid down her back, and over her head and forehead was a green silk hood, just like in the picture.


Here is a question, the answer to which would be interesting to me: Whether or not for twenty years—or say rather twenty centuries, twenty eternal aeons—I have been stark mad, a raving maniac; and whether or not I am now suddenly sane, sitting here writing in my right mind, my whole mood and tone changed, or rapidly changing? And whether such change can be due to the presence of only one other being in the world with me?

Here’s a question that I find intriguing: Have I been completely insane for twenty years—or let’s say twenty centuries, twenty endless ages? And am I now suddenly sane, sitting here writing clearly, my entire mood and tone changed, or changing quickly? Can such a transformation really be caused by the presence of just one other person in the world with me?


This singular being! Where she has lived—and how—is a problem to which not the faintest solution is conceivable. She had, I say, never seen clothes: for when I began to dress her, her perplexity was unbounded; also, during her twenty years, she has never seen almonds, figs, nuts, liqueurs, chocolate, conserves, vegetables, sugar, oil, honey, sweetmeats, orange-sherbet, mastic, salt, raki, tobacco, and many such things: for she showed perplexity at all these, hesitation to eat them: but she has known and tasted white wine: I could see that. Here, then, is a mystery.

This unique person! Where she has lived—and how—is a puzzle for which there seems to be no solution. She had, I must say, never seen clothes: because when I started to dress her, she was completely confused; also, in her twenty years, she has never seen almonds, figs, nuts, liqueurs, chocolate, preserves, vegetables, sugar, oil, honey, candies, orange sorbet, mastic, salt, raki, tobacco, and many other things: she reacted with confusion to all of these and hesitated to eat them. But she has known and tasted white wine: I could tell that. So here lies a mystery.


I have not gone to Imbros, but remained here some days longer observing her.

I haven't gone to Imbros, but I've stayed here a few more days watching her.

I have allowed her to sit in a corner at meal-time, not far from where I eat, and I have given her food.

I’ve let her sit in a corner during meals, not far from where I eat, and I've given her food.

She is wonderfully clever! I continually find that, after an incredibly short time, she has most completely adapted herself to this or that. Already she wears her outfit as coquettishly as though born to clothes. Without at all seeming observant—for, on the contrary, she gives an impression of great flightiness—she watches me, I am convinced, with pretty exact observation. She knows precisely when I am speaking roughly, bidding her go, bidding her come, tired of her, tolerant of her, scorning her, cursing her. If I wish her to the devil, she quickly divines it by my face, and will disappear. Yesterday I noticed something queer about her, and soon discovered that she had been staining her lids with black kohol, like the hanums, so that, having found a box, she must have guessed its use from the pictures. Wonderfully clever!—imitative as a mirror. Two mornings ago I found an old mother-of-pearl kittur, and sitting under the arcade, touched the strings, playing a simple air; I could just see her behind one of the arch-pillars on the opposite side, and she was listening with apparent eagerness, and, I fancied, panting. Well, returning from a walk beyond the Phanar walls in the afternoon, I heard the same air coming out from the house, for she was repeating it pretty faultlessly by ear.

She is incredibly clever! I constantly realize that, after just a short time, she has completely adapted to this or that. Already, she wears her outfit as if she were born to wear clothes. Without seeming to pay much attention—because, on the contrary, she gives off a vibe of great lightheartedness—she watches me, and I’m convinced she observes me pretty accurately. She knows exactly when I'm being tough, telling her to stay, telling her to come, getting tired of her, being patient with her, looking down on her, cursing her. If I want her gone, she can quickly read it on my face and will vanish. Yesterday, I noticed something strange about her, and soon figured out that she had been applying black kohol on her eyelids, like the hanums, so having found a box, she must have guessed its purpose from the pictures. Incredibly clever!—imitation like a mirror. Two mornings ago, I found an old mother-of-pearl kittur, and while sitting under the arcade, I touched the strings, playing a simple tune; I could just see her behind one of the arch-pillars on the opposite side, and she was listening with apparent eagerness, and I imagined she was panting. Well, when I returned from a walk beyond the Phanar walls in the afternoon, I heard the same tune coming from the house, as she was repeating it quite flawlessly by ear.

Also, during the forenoon of the previous day, I came upon her—for footsteps make no sound in this house—in the pacha's visitors'-hall: and what was she doing?—copying the poses of three dancing-girls frescoed there! So that she would seem to have a character as light as a butterfly's, and is afraid of nothing.

Also, during the morning of the day before, I found her—in this house, footsteps make no noise—in the pacha's visitor hall: and what was she doing?—copying the poses of three dancing girls painted there! So that she would appear to have a personality as carefree as a butterfly's and isn’t afraid of anything.


Now I know.

Now I get it.

I had observed that at the beginning of every meal she seemed to have something on her mind, going toward the door, hesitating as if to see whether I would follow, and then returning. At length yesterday, after sitting to eat, she jumped up, and to my infinite surprise, said her first word: said it with a most quaint, experimental effort of the tongue, as a fledgling trying the air: the word 'Come.'

I noticed that at the start of every meal, she always seemed to have something on her mind. She would move toward the door, hesitate as if to see if I would follow her, and then come back. Finally, yesterday, after we sat down to eat, she suddenly got up and, to my complete surprise, spoke her first word. She said it in a very strange, tentative way, like a young bird testing its wings: the word 'Come.'

That morning, meeting her in the court, I had told her to repeat some words after me: but she had made no attempt, as if shy to break the long silence of her life; and now I felt some sort of foolish pleasure in hearing her utter that word, often no doubt heard from me: and after hurriedly eating, I went with her, saying to myself: 'She must be about to shew me the food to which she is accustomed: and perhaps that will solve her origin.'

That morning, when I saw her in the court, I had asked her to repeat some words after me. But she didn’t try, seemingly too shy to break the long silence of her life. Now, I felt a silly kind of joy hearing her say that word, which she must have heard from me many times before. After quickly eating, I went with her, thinking, "She must be about to show me the food she’s used to, and maybe that will reveal where she comes from."

And so it has proved. I have now discovered that to the moment when she saw me, she had tasted only her mother's milk, dates, and that white wine of Ismidt which the Koran permits.

And that's exactly what happened. I've now found out that up until the moment she saw me, she had only experienced her mother's milk, dates, and that white wine from Ismidt that the Koran allows.

As it was getting dark, I lit and took with me the big red-silk lantern, and we set out, she leading, and walking confoundedly fast, slackening when I swore at her, and getting fast again: and she walks with a certain levity, flightiness, and liberated furore, very hard to describe, as though space were a luxury to be revelled in. By what instinctive cleverness, or native vigour of memory, she found her way I cannot tell, but she led me such a walk that night, miles, miles, till I became furious, darkness having soon fallen with only a faint moon obscured by cloud, and a drizzle which haunted the air, she without light climbing and picking her thinly-slippered steps over mounds of débris and loosely-strewn masonry with unfailing agility, I occasionally splashing a foot with horror into one of those little ponds which always marked the Stamboul streets. When I was nearer her, I would see her peer across and upward toward Pera, as if that were a remembered land-mark, and would note the perpetual aspen oscillations of the long coral drops in her ears, and the nimble ply of her limbs, wondering with a groan if Pera was our goal.

As it was getting dark, I lit up the big red-silk lantern and we set off, with her leading the way and walking really fast, slowing down when I yelled at her, then speeding up again. She walked with a certain lightness, energy, and wildness that's hard to describe, as if the open space were a luxury to enjoy. I don't know how she found her way with such instinctive cleverness or natural memory, but she took me on quite a walk that night—miles and miles—until I got really frustrated. The darkness fell quickly, with only a faint moon obscured by clouds and a drizzle hanging in the air. She climbed and navigated her delicate steps over piles of debris and scattered masonry with impressive agility, while I occasionally splashed my foot in one of those little puddles that always seemed to fill the streets of Stamboul. When I got closer to her, I would see her looking across and up toward Pera, as if it were a familiar landmark, and I noticed the constant swaying of the long coral drops in her ears and the quick movements of her limbs, wondering with a groan if Pera was our destination.

Our goal was even beyond Pera. When we came to the Golden Horn, she pointed to my caique which lay at the Old Seraglio steps, and over the water we went, she lying quite at ease now, with her face at the level of the water in the centre of the crescent-shape, as familiarly as a hanum of old engaged in some escapade through the crowded Babel of Galata and that north side of the Horn.

Our goal was even further than Pera. When we reached the Golden Horn, she gestured toward my caique, which was resting at the Old Seraglio steps, and we glided over the water, her now completely relaxed, her face at water level in the center of the crescent shape, just like a hanum of old participating in some adventure through the bustling streets of Galata and that north side of the Horn.

Through Galata we passed, I already cursing the journey: and, following the line of the coast and the great steep thoroughfare of Pera, we came at last, almost in the country, to a great wall, and the entrance to an immense terraced garden, whose limits were invisible, many of the trees and avenues being still intact.

Through Galata we went, already regretting the trip: and, following the coastline and the steep main road of Pera, we finally arrived, almost outside the city, at a huge wall and the entrance to a massive terraced garden, whose boundaries were hidden, with many of the trees and pathways still untouched.

I knew it at once: I had lain a special fuse-train in the great palace at the top of the terraces: it was the royal palace, Yildiz.

I recognized it immediately: I had set up a special fuse line in the grand palace at the top of the terraces; it was the royal palace, Yildiz.

Up and up we went through the grounds, a few unburned old bodies in rags of uniform still discernible here and there as the lantern swung past them, a musician in sky-blue, a fantassin and officer-of-the-guard in scarlet, forming a cross, with domestics of the palace in red-and-orange.

Up and up we climbed through the grounds, a few charred old bodies in tattered uniforms still visible here and there as the lantern swung past them, a musician in sky-blue, a foot soldier and guard officer in scarlet, forming a cross, with palace staff in red-and-orange.

The palace itself was quite in ruins, together with all its surrounding barracks, mosque, and seraglio, and, as we reached the top of the grounds, presented a picture very like those which I have seen of the ruins of Persepolis, only that here the columns, both standing and fallen, were innumerable, and all more or less blackened; and through doorless doors we passed, down immensely-wide short flights of steps, and up them, and over strewed courtyards, by tottering fragments of arcades, all roofless, and tracts of charcoal between interrupted avenues of pillars, I following, expectant, and she very eager now. Finally, down a flight of twelve or fourteen rather steep and narrow steps, very dislocated, we went to a level which, I thought, must be the floor of the palace vaults: for at the bottom of the steps we stood on a large plain floor of plaster, which bore the marks of the flames; and over this the girl ran a few steps, pointed with excited recognition to a hole in it, ran further, and disappeared down the hole.

The palace was mostly in ruins, along with all the surrounding barracks, mosque, and harem. As we reached the top of the grounds, it looked very much like the ruins of Persepolis, only here the columns, both standing and fallen, were countless and mostly blackened. We walked through doorless doorways, down very wide short flights of steps, up them, and across scattered courtyards, past crumbling fragments of arcades, all without roofs, and patches of charcoal among broken rows of pillars. I followed, curious, and she was very eager now. Finally, we descended a flight of twelve or fourteen steep and narrow steps, which were quite uneven, to a level that I thought must be the palace vaults. At the bottom of the steps, we stood on a large flat floor made of plaster, marked by the flames. The girl ran a few steps ahead, pointed in excited recognition to a hole in the floor, ran further, and disappeared down the hole.

When I followed, and lowered the lantern a little, I saw that the drop down was about eight feet, made less than six feet by a heap of stone-rubbish below, the falling of which had caused the hole: and it was by standing on this rubbish-heap, I knew at once, that she must have been enabled to climb out into the world.

When I followed and lowered the lantern a bit, I saw that the drop was about eight feet, but it was less than six feet because of a pile of rubble below. The collapse of that rubble had created the hole, and by standing on this pile, I realized right away that she must have been able to climb out into the world.

I dropped down, and found myself in a low flat-roofed cellar, with a floor of black earth, very fusty and damp, but so very vast in extent that even in the day-time, I suppose, I could not have discerned its boundaries; I fancy, indeed, that it extends beneath the whole palace and its environs—an enormous stretch of space: with the lantern I could only see a very limited portion of its area. She still led me eagerly on, and I presently came upon a whole region of flat boxes, each about two feet square, and nine inches high, made of very thin laths, packed to the roof; and about a-hundred-and-fifty feet from these I saw, where she pointed, another region of bottles, fat-bellied bottles in chemises of wicker-work, stretching away into gloom and total darkness. The boxes, of which a great number lay broken open, as they can be by merely pulling with the fingers at a pliant crack, contain dates; and the bottles, of which many thousands lay empty, contain, I saw, old Ismidt wine. Some fifty or sixty casks, covered with mildew, some old pieces of furniture, and a great cube of rotting, curling parchments, showed that this cellar had been more or less loosely used for the occasional storage of superfluous stores and knick-knacks.

I dropped down and found myself in a low, flat-roofed cellar with a floor of black earth that was musty and damp. It was so vast that even during the day, I probably wouldn’t have been able to see its limits. I imagine it extends beneath the entire palace and its surroundings—an enormous space. With the lantern, I could only see a small part of it. She continued to lead me eagerly, and soon I came across a whole area filled with flat boxes, each about two feet square and nine inches high, made of very thin slats, packed to the ceiling. About a hundred and fifty feet away, I saw, where she pointed, another area with bottles—fat-bellied bottles in wicker covers, stretching away into the gloom and complete darkness. The boxes, many of which lay broken open by just pulling at a pliant crack, contained dates. The bottles, thousands of which were empty, held old Ismidt wine. Some fifty or sixty casks, covered in mildew, along with some old furniture and a large pile of rotting, curled parchment showed that this cellar had been used for storing excess supplies and knick-knacks.

It was also more or less loosely used as a domestic prison. For in the lane between the region of boxes and the region of bottles, near the former, there lay on the ground the skeleton of a woman, the details of whose costume were still appreciable, with thin brass gyves on her wrists: and when I had examined her well, I knew the whole history of the creature standing silent by my side.

It was also somewhat casually used as a makeshift prison. For in the path between the area of boxes and the area of bottles, closer to the boxes, there lay on the ground the skeleton of a woman, whose outfit was still recognizable, with thin brass shackles on her wrists: and after I had looked her over closely, I understood the entire story of the being standing silently next to me.

She is the daughter of the Sultan, as I assumed when I had once determined that the skeleton is both the skeleton of her mother, and the skeleton of the Sultana.

She is the Sultan's daughter, which I figured out when I realized that the skeleton is both her mother's skeleton and the Sultana's skeleton.

That the skeleton was her mother is clear: for the cloud occurred just twenty-one years since, and the dead woman was, of course, at that moment in the prison, which must have been air-tight, and with her the girl: but since the girl is quite certainly not much more than twenty—she looks younger—she must at that time have been either unborn or a young babe: but a babe would hardly be imprisoned with another than its own mother. I am rather inclined to think that the girl was unborn at the moment of the cloud, and was born in the cellar.

That the skeleton was her mother is obvious: the cloud happened just twenty-one years ago, and the dead woman was, of course, in prison at that time, which must have been airtight, along with her daughter: but since the girl is clearly not much older than twenty—she looks younger—she must have been either unborn or a very young baby back then: but a baby would hardly be locked up with anyone other than its own mother. I'm inclined to believe that the girl was unborn when the cloud occurred and was born in the cellar.

That the mother was the Sultana is clear from her fragments of dress, and the symbolic character of her every ornament, crescent earrings, heron-feather, and the blue campaca enamelled in a bracelet. This poor woman, I have thought, may have been the victim of some unbounded fit of imperial passion, incurred by some domestic crime, real or imagined, which may have been pardoned in a day had not death overtaken her master and the world.

It's clear the mother was the Sultana from the bits of her clothing and the meaning behind her jewelry, like her crescent earrings, heron feather, and the blue campaca enamel on her bracelet. I’ve wondered if this poor woman might have been caught in an overwhelming fit of imperial desire, possibly due to some domestic issue, whether real or imagined, that could have been forgiven in a day if death hadn't claimed her master and the world.

There are four steep stone steps at about the centre of the cellar, leading up to a locked iron trap-door, apparently the only opening into this great hole: and this trap-door must have been so nearly air-tight as to bar the intrusion of the poison in anything like deadly quantity.

There are four steep stone steps roughly in the middle of the cellar, leading up to a locked iron trapdoor, which seems to be the only entrance to this large space: and this trapdoor must have been nearly airtight to prevent the entry of the poison in any significant amount.

But how rare—how strange—the coincidence of chances here. For, if the trap-door was absolutely air-tight, I cannot think that the supply of oxygen in the cellar, large as it was, would have been sufficient to last the girl twenty years, to say nothing of what her mother used up before death: for I imagine that the woman must have continued to live some time in her dungeon, sufficiently long, at least, to teach her child to procure its food of dates and wine; so that the door must have been only just sufficiently hermetic to bar the poison, yet admit some oxygen; or else, the place may have been absolutely air-tight at the time of the cloud, and some crack, which I have not seen, opened to admit oxygen after the poison was dispersed: in any case—the all-but-infinite rarity of the chance!

But how rare—how strange—the coincidence of chances here. Because if the trapdoor was completely air-tight, I can't believe that the oxygen supply in the cellar, although large, would have lasted the girl twenty years, not to mention what her mother used up before she died. I imagine the woman must have lived for a while in her dungeon, long enough at least to teach her child how to get food like dates and wine. So, the door must have been just air-tight enough to keep out the poison but let in some oxygen; or maybe it was completely air-tight during the cloud, and some crack I haven't seen opened up to let in oxygen after the poison was gone. In any case—the incredibly rare chance of it all!

Thinking these things I climbed out, and we walked to Pera, where I slept in a great white-stone house in five or six acres of garden overlooking the cemetery of Kassim, having pointed out to the girl another house in which to sleep.

Thinking about all this, I climbed out, and we walked to Pera, where I slept in a large white-stone house set on five or six acres of garden overlooking the Kassim cemetery, having suggested to the girl another house for her to sleep in.

This girl! what a history! After existing twenty years in a sunless world hardly three acres wide, she one day suddenly saw the only sky which she knew collapse at one point! a hole appeared into yet a world beyond! It was I who had come, and kindled Constantinople, and set her free.

This girl! What a story! After living for twenty years in a small, lightless world, barely three acres wide, she suddenly saw the only sky she knew collapse at one point! A hole opened up into a whole new world beyond! It was me who had arrived, igniting Constantinople and setting her free.


Ah, I see something now! I see! it was for this that I was preserved: I to be a sort of new-fangled Adam—and this little creature to be my Eve! That is it! The White does not admit defeat: he would recommence the Race again! At the last, the eleventh hour—in spite of all—he would turn defeat into victory, and outwit that Other.

Ah, I see something now! I get it! I was meant for this: I’m like a modern Adam—and this little one is my Eve! That’s it! The White doesn’t accept defeat: he would start the Race again! In the end, at the last moment—in spite of everything—he would turn defeat into victory and outsmart that Other.

However, if this be so—and I seem to see it quite clearly—then in that White scheme is a singular flaw: at one point, it is obvious, that elaborate Forethought fails: for I have a free will—and I refuse, I refuse.

However, if this is the case—and I can see it clearly—then in that White scheme, there’s a notable flaw: at one point, it’s obvious that elaborate planning falls short: because I have free will—and I refuse, I refuse.

Certainly, in this matter I am on the side of the Black: and since it depends absolutely upon me, this time Black wins.

Certainly, in this matter, I’m on the side of Black, and since it's entirely up to me, this time Black wins.

No more men on the earth after me, ye Powers! To you the question may be nothing more than a gambling excitement as to the final outcome of your aërial squabble: but to the poor men who had to bear the wrongs, Inquisitions, rack-rents, Waterloos, unspeakable horrors, it was hard earnest, you know! Oh the wretchedness—the deep, deep pain—of that bungling ant-hill, happily wiped out, my God! My sweetheart Clodagh ... she was not an ideal being! There was a man called Judas who betrayed the gentle Founder of the Christian Faith, and there was some Roman king named Galba, a horrid dog, and there was a French devil, Gilles de Raiz: and the rest were all much the same, much the same. Oh no, it was not a good race, that small infantry which called itself Man: and here, falling on my knees before God and Satan as I write, I swear, I swear: Never through me shall it spring and fester again.

No more men on earth after me, you Powers! For you, this might just be a gamble to see how your aerial fight turns out, but for the poor souls who had to suffer the injustices, Inquisitions, outrageous rents, Waterloos, and indescribable horrors, it was serious business, you know! Oh, the misery—the deep, deep pain—of that messed-up ant hill, finally wiped out, my God! My sweetheart Clodagh... she wasn’t perfect! There was a man named Judas who betrayed the kind founder of the Christian Faith, and there was some Roman king named Galba, a nasty piece of work, and there was a French monster, Gilles de Raiz: and the rest were all pretty much the same, just the same. Oh no, it was not a good race, that little army that called itself Man: and here, on my knees before God and Satan as I write, I swear, I swear: Never through me shall it spring up and fester again.


I cannot realise her! Not at all, at all, at all! If she is out of my sight and hearing ten minutes, I fall to doubting her reality. If I lose her for half a day, all the old feelings, resembling certainties, come back, that I have only been dreaming—that this appearance cannot be an actual objective fact of life, since the impossible is impossible.

I can’t believe she’s real! Not at all, not at all, not at all! If she’s out of my sight and hearing for ten minutes, I start to doubt if she really exists. If I lose her for half a day, all those old feelings that used to feel so certain come rushing back, making me think that I’ve just been dreaming—that this whole thing can’t actually be real, because the impossible is impossible.

Seventeen long years, seventeen long years, of madness....

Seventeen long years, seventeen long years, of madness....


To-morrow I start for Imbros: and whether this girl chooses to follow me, or whether she stays behind, I will see her from the moment I land no more.

To-morrow I start for Imbros: and whether this girl decides to follow me, or whether she stays behind, I will not see her from the moment I land again.


She must rise very early. I who am now regularly on the palace-roof at dawn, sometimes from between the pavilion-curtains of the galleries, or from the steps of the telescope-kiosk, may spy her far down below, a dainty microscopic figure, generally running about the sward, or gazing up in wonder at the palace from the lake-edge.

She has to get up really early. I, who am usually on the palace roof at dawn, sometimes see her from between the pavilion curtains of the galleries or from the steps of the telescope kiosk, a tiny figure far down below, usually running around on the grass or looking up in awe at the palace from the edge of the lake.

It is now three months since she came with me to Imbros.

It’s been three months since she came with me to Imbros.

I left her the first night in that pale-yellow house with the two green jalousies facing the beach, where there was everything that she would need; but I knew that, like all the houses there now, it leaked profusely, and the next day I went down to the curving stair, cut through the rock at the back and south of the village, climbed, and half a mile beyond found that park and villa with gables, which I had noted from the sea. The villa is almost intact, very strongly built of purplish marble, though small, and very like a Western house, with shingles, and three gables, so that I think it must have been the yali of some Englishman, for it contains a number of English books, though the only body I saw there was what looked like an Aararat Kurd, with spiral string wound down his turban, yellow ankle-pantaloons, and flung red shoulder-cloak; and all in the heavily-wooded park, and all about the low rock-steps up the hill, profusions of man-dragora; and from the rock-steps to the house a narrow long avenue of acacias, mossy underfoot, that mingle overhead, the house standing about four yards from the edge of the perpendicular sea-cliff, whence one can see the Speranzas main top-mast, and broken mizzen-mast-head, in her quiet haven. After examining the place I went down again to the village, and her house: but she was not there: and two hours long I paced about among the weeds of these amateur little alleys and flat-roofed windowless houses (though some have terrace-roofs, and a rare aperture), whose once-raw yellows, greens, and blues look now like sunset tints when the last flush is gone, and they fade dun. When at last she came running with open mouth, I took her up the rock-steps, and into the house, and there she has lived, one of the gable-tips, I now find (that overlooking the sea), being just visible from the north-east corner of the palace-roof, two miles from it.

I left her the first night in that pale-yellow house with the two green shutters facing the beach, which had everything she would need; but I knew that, like all the houses there now, it leaked a lot. The next day, I went down the winding staircase cut through the rock at the back and south of the village, climbed, and half a mile beyond found that park and villa with gables that I had seen from the sea. The villa is almost intact, very sturdily built of purplish marble, although small, and looks a lot like a Western house, with shingles and three gables. I think it must have been the seaside home of some Englishman because it contains a number of English books, although the only person I saw there was what looked like an Armenian Kurd, with a spiral string wound around his turban, yellow baggy pants, and a thrown red shoulder cloak. In the densely wooded park and all around the low rock steps up the hill, there were plenty of mandrake plants, and from the rock steps to the house was a narrow, long avenue of acacias, mossy underfoot, that intertwined overhead. The house stood about four yards from the edge of the steep sea cliff, where you could see the main topmast of the Speranzas and the broken mizzen-mast head in her quiet harbor. After checking out the place, I went back down to the village and her house: but she wasn’t there. For two hours, I wandered among the weeds in those amateur little alleys and flat-roofed windowless houses (although some have terrace roofs and a rare opening), whose once-bright yellows, greens, and blues now look like sunset hues when the last glow fades to gray. When she finally came running with her mouth open, I took her up the rock steps and into the house, and I now discover she has lived there in one of the gable ends (the one overlooking the sea), just visible from the northeast corner of the palace roof, two miles away.

That night again, when I was leaving her, she made an attempt to follow me. But I was resolved to end it, then: and cutting a sassafras-whip I cut her deep, three times, till she ran, crying.

That night again, as I was leaving her, she tried to follow me. But I was determined to put an end to it right then: so I grabbed a sassafras switch and struck her hard, three times, until she ran off, crying.


So, then, what is my fate henceforth?—to think always, from sun to moon, and from moon to sun, of one only thing—and that thing an object for the microscope?—to become a sneaking Paul Pry to spy upon the silly movements of one little sparrow, like some fatuous motiveless gossip of old, his occupation to peep, his one faculty to scent, his honey and his achievement to unearth the infinitely unimportant? I would kill her first!

So, what’s my future going to look like?—to always think, from sunrise to sunset, and from sunset to sunrise, about just one thing—and that thing something under a microscope?—to become a nosy busybody who spies on the silly actions of one little sparrow, like some clueless gossip from the past, whose job is to snoop, whose only skill is to sniff out, whose reward and success are to uncover the totally insignificant? I’d rather kill her first!


I am convinced that she is no stay-at-home, but roams continually over the island: for thrice, wandering myself, I have come upon her.

I’m sure she’s not a homebody but is always exploring the island; I’ve stumbled upon her three times while wandering around myself.

The first time she was running with flushed face, intent upon striking down a butterfly with a twig held in the left hand (for both hands she uses with dexterity). It was at about nine in the morning, in her park, near the bottom where there are high grass-growths and ferny luxuriance between the close tree-trunks, and shadow, and the broken wall of an old funeral-kiosk sunk aslant under moss, creepers, and wild flowers, behind which I peeped hidden and wet with dew. She has had the assurance to modify the dress I put upon her, and was herself a butterfly, for instead of the shintiyan, she had on a zouave, hardly reaching to the waist, of saffron satin, no feredjé, but a scarlet fez with violet tassel, and baggy pantaloons of azure silk; down her back the long auburn plait, quite neat, but all her front hair loose and wanton, the fez cocked backward, while I caught glimpses of her fugitive heels lifting out of the dropping slipper-sole. She is pretty clever, but not clever enough, for that butterfly escaped, and in one instant I saw her change into weary and sad, for on this earth is nothing more fickle than that Proteus face, which resembles a landscape swept with cloud-shadows on a bright day. Fast beat my heart that morning, owing to the consciousness that, while I saw, I was unseen, yet might be seen.

The first time she was running with a flushed face, eager to catch a butterfly with a twig in her left hand (she's skilled with both hands). It was around nine in the morning, in her park, near a spot with tall grass and lush ferns between the close tree trunks, along with shadows and a crumbling wall of an old funeral kiosk, overgrown with moss, vines, and wildflowers, behind which I peeked, hidden and damp with dew. She had the boldness to alter the dress I put on her, and she looked like a butterfly herself, wearing a short zouave instead of the shintiyan, made of saffron satin and topped with a red fez with a violet tassel, plus loose azure silk pants; her long auburn braid hung neatly down her back, but all her front hair was loose and unruly, with the fez tilted back, while I caught glimpses of her fleeting heels slipping out of her fallen slippers. She’s pretty clever, but not clever enough, because that butterfly got away, and in an instant, I saw her change to tired and sad, for nothing is more changeable than that Protean face, which resembles a landscape brushed by cloud shadows on a bright day. My heart raced that morning, knowing that while I was watching, I was unseen, yet could be seen.

Another noontide, three weeks afterwards, I came upon her a good way up yonder to the west of the palace, sleeping on her arm in an alley between overgrown old trellises, where rioting wild vine buried her in gloom: but I had not been peeping through the bushes a minute, when she started up and looked wildly about, her quick consciousness, I imagine, detecting a presence: though I think that I managed to get away unseen. She keeps her face very dirty: all about her mouth was dry-stained with a polychrome of grape, mûrs, and other coloured juices, like slobbering gamins of old. I could also see that her nose and cheeks are now sprinkled with little freckles.

Another afternoon, three weeks later, I found her a ways up to the west of the palace, sleeping on her arm in an alley between overgrown old trellises, where rampant wild vines wrapped her in shadow. But I had only been peeking through the bushes for a moment when she suddenly woke up and looked around frantically, her sharp awareness, I guess, sensing someone nearby; though I believe I managed to slip away unnoticed. She keeps her face quite dirty: all around her mouth was stained with a mix of grape, blackberries, and other colored juices, like drooling kids from back in the day. I also noticed that her nose and cheeks are now dotted with little freckles.

Four days since I saw her a third time, and then found that the primitive instinct to represent the world in pictures has been working in her: for she was drawing. It was down in the middle one of the three east-and-west village streets, for thither I had strolled toward evening, and coming out upon the street from between an old wall and a house, saw her quite near. I pulled up short—and peered. She was lying on her face all among grasses, a piece of yellow board before her, and in her fingers a chalk-splinter: and very intently she drew, her tongue-tip travelling along her short upper-lip from side to side, regularly as a pendulum, her fez tipped far back, and the left foot swinging upward from the knee. She had drawn her yali at the top, and now, as I could see by peering well forward, was drawing underneath the palace—from memory, for where she lay it is all hidden: yet the palace it was, for there were the waving lines meant for the steps, the two slanting pillars, the slanting battlements of the outer court, and before the portal, with turban reaching above the roof, and my two whisks of beard sweeping below the knees—myself.

Four days since I saw her for the third time, and I realized that her natural instinct to depict the world through drawings was at work: she was drawing. It was in the middle of one of the three east-and-west village streets, where I had walked toward evening. Coming out onto the street from between an old wall and a house, I spotted her quite close by. I stopped suddenly and looked closely. She was lying on her stomach in the grass, with a piece of yellow board in front of her and a piece of chalk in her fingers. She was deeply focused on her drawing, her tongue tip moving back and forth along her upper lip like a pendulum, her fez tipped far back and her left foot swinging up from the knee. She had sketched her yali at the top, and now, as I could see by leaning in, was drawing the palace underneath—using her memory since she couldn’t see it from where she lay: but it was indeed the palace, as indicated by the wavy lines representing the steps, the two slanting pillars, the angled battlements of the outer court, and in front of the entrance, with a turban reaching above the roof, and my two wisps of beard sweeping below the knees—myself.

Something spurred me, and I could not resist shouting a sudden "Hi!" whereupon she scrambled like a spring-bok to her feet, I pointing to the drawing, smiling.

Something urged me on, and I couldn't help but shout a quick "Hi!" at which point she jumped to her feet like a springbok, while I pointed to the drawing, smiling.

This creature has a way of mincing her pressed lips, while she shakes the head, intensely cooing a fond laugh: and so she did then.

This creature has a way of pursing her lips while shaking her head, softly laughing in a fond way: and that's exactly what she did then.

"You are a clever little wretch, you know," said I, she cocking her eye, trying to divine my meaning with vague smile.

"You’re a clever little troublemaker, you know," I said, as she tilted her head, trying to figure out what I meant with a faint smile.

'Oh, yes, a clever little wretch,' I went on in a gruff voice, 'clever as a serpent, no doubt: for in the first case it was the Black who used the serpent, but now it is the White. But it will not do, you know. Do you know what you are to me, you? You are my Eve!—a little fool, a little piebald frog like you. But it will not do at all, at all! A nice race it would be with you for mother, and me for father, wouldn't it?—half-criminal like the father, half-idiot like the mother: just like the last, in short. They used to say, in fact, that the offspring of a brother and sister was always weak-headed: and from such a wedlock certainly came the human race, so no wonder it was what it was: and so it would have to be again now. Well no—unless we have the children, and cut their throats at birth: and you would not like that at all, I know, and, on the whole, it would not work, for the White would be striking a poor man dead with His lightning, if I attempted that. No, then: the modern Adam is some eight to twenty thousand years wiser than the first—you see? less instinctive, more rational. The first disobeyed by commission: I shall disobey by omission: only his disobedience was a sin, mine is a heroism. I have not been a particularly ideal sort of beast so far, you know: but in me, Adam Jeffson—I swear it—the human race shall at last attain a true nobility, the nobility of self-extinction. I shall turn out trumps: I shall prove myself stronger than Tendency, World-Genius, Providence, Currents of Fate, White Power, Black Power, or whatever is the name for it. No more Clodaghs, Lucrezia Borgias, Semiramises, Pompadours, Irish Landlords, Hundred-Years' Wars—you see?'

'Oh, yes, a clever little rascal,' I continued in a gruff voice, 'clever as a snake, no doubt: because in the first case it was the Black who used the snake, but now it's the White. But that won’t work, you know. Do you know what you are to me, huh? You’re my Eve!—a little fool, a little mixed-up frog like you. But this won’t do at all! What a mess it would be with you as mother and me as father, right?—half-criminal like the father, half-idiot like the mother: just like the last, to be honest. They used to say that the offspring of a brother and sister was always weak-minded: and from such a union, the human race certainly came, so it’s no surprise it’s what it is: and it would have to be that way again now. Well, no—unless we have the kids and cut their throats at birth: and you wouldn’t like that at all, I know, and honestly, it wouldn't work, because the White would strike down a poor man with His lightning if I tried that. No, the modern Adam is about eight to twenty thousand years smarter than the first—you see? Less instinctive, more rational. The first disobeyed by doing: I will disobey by not doing: his disobedience was a sin, mine is a heroism. I haven’t been a particularly ideal creature so far, you know: but in me, Adam Jeffson—I swear it—the human race will finally achieve true nobility, the nobility of self-extinction. I will come through: I will prove myself stronger than Tendency, World-Genius, Providence, Currents of Fate, White Power, Black Power, or whatever you want to call it. No more Clodaghs, Lucrezia Borgias, Semiramises, Pompadours, Irish Landlords, Hundred-Years' Wars—you see?'

She kept her left eye obliquely cocked like a little fool, wondering, no doubt, what I was saying.

She kept her left eye tilted at an angle like a little fool, probably wondering what I was talking about.

'And talking of Clodagh,' I went on, 'I shall call you that henceforth, to keep me reminded. So that is your name—not Eve—but Clodagh, who was a Poisoner, you see? She poisoned a poor man who trusted her: and that is your name now—not Eve, but Clodagh—to remind me, you most dangerous little speckled viper! And in order that I may no more see your foolish little pretty face, I decree that, for the future, you wear a yashmak to cover up your lips, which, I can see, were meant to be seductive, though dirty; and you can leave the blue eyes, and the little white-skinned freckled nose uncovered, if you like, they being commonplace enough. Meantime, if you care to see how to draw a palace—I will show you.'

'Speaking of Clodagh,' I continued, 'I'll call you that from now on to keep it in my mind. So that’s your name—not Eve—but Clodagh, who was a Poisoner, you know? She poisoned a poor guy who trusted her: and that’s your name now—not Eve, but Clodagh—to remind me, you most dangerous little speckled viper! And so I won’t have to see your silly little pretty face anymore, I decree that from now on, you wear a yashmak to cover your lips, which, I can tell, were meant to be seductive, even if dirty; and you can leave your blue eyes and the little freckled white nose uncovered if you want, since they’re pretty ordinary. In the meantime, if you want to see how to draw a palace—I’ll show you.'

Before I stretched my hand, she was presenting the board—so that she had guessed something of my meaning! But some hard tone in my talk had wounded her, for she presented it looking very glum, her under-lip pushing a little obliquely out, very pathetically, I must say, as always when she is just ready to cry.

Before I reached out my hand, she was holding out the board—so she must have picked up on some of what I meant! But there was something harsh in my words that upset her, because she held it out looking really down, her lower lip sticking out a bit sideways, very sadly, I have to say, as she always does when she’s about to cry.

In a few strokes I drew the palace, and herself standing at the portal between the pillars: and now great was her satisfaction, for she pointed to the sketched figure, and to herself, interrogatively: and when I nodded 'yes,' she went cooing her fond murmurous laugh, with pressed and mincing lips: and it is clear that, in spite of my beatings, she is in no way afraid of me.

In just a few lines, I drew the palace with her standing at the entrance between the pillars. She was really pleased, pointing to the sketch and then to herself, as if asking a question. When I nodded 'yes,' she started cooing her sweet, soft laugh, with her lips pressed together. It’s obvious that, despite my punishments, she’s not afraid of me at all.

Before I could move away, I felt some rain-drops, and down in some seconds rushed a shower. I looked, saw that the sky was rapidly darkening, and ran into the nearest of the little cubical houses, leaving her glancing sideways upward, with the quaintest artlessness of interest in the downpour: for she is not yet quite familiarised with the operations of nature, and seems to regard them with a certain amiable inquisitive seriousness, as though they were living beings, comrades as good as herself. She presently joined me, but even then stretched her hand out to feel the drops.

Before I could move away, I felt a few raindrops, and within seconds, a downpour started. I looked up and saw that the sky was quickly darkening, so I ran into the nearest little cube-shaped house, leaving her glancing sideways up, with the cutest childlike curiosity about the rain. She’s not quite used to how nature works yet and seems to see it with a friendly, inquisitive seriousness, as if the raindrops were living beings, companions just like her. She eventually joined me, but even then, she stretched out her hand to feel the drops.

Now there came a thunder-clap, the wind was rising, and rain spattering about me: for the panes of these houses, made, I believe, of paper saturated in almond-oil, have long disappeared, and rains, penetrating by roof and rare window, splash the bones of men. I gathered up my skirts to run toward other shelter, but she was before me, saying in her strange experimental voice that word of hers: "Come."

Now there was a thunderclap, the wind picked up, and rain splattered around me; the windows of these houses, which I think were made of paper soaked in almond oil, have long since gone, and the rain, coming through the roof and sparse windows, splashes on the remains of people. I lifted my skirts to run toward better shelter, but she was ahead of me, saying in her unique, experimental voice that word of hers: "Come."

She ran in advance, and I, with the outer robe over my head, followed, urging flinching way against the whipped rain-wash. She took the way by the stone horse-pond, through an alley to the left between two blind walls, then down a steep path through wood to the rock-steps, and up we ran, and along the hill, to her yali, which is a mile nearer the village than the palace, though by the time we pelted into its dry shelter we were wet to the skin.

She ran ahead, and I followed with my outer robe pulled over my head, trying to shield myself from the pounding rain. She took the route by the stone horse-pond, through an alley to the left between two blind walls, then down a steep path through the woods to the rock steps, and we ran up those, along the hill, to her yali, which is a mile closer to the village than the palace, even though by the time we rushed into its dry shelter, we were soaked to the skin.

Sudden darkness had come, but she quickly found some matches, lit one, looking at it with a certain meditative air, and applied it to a candle and to a bronze Western lamp on the table, which I had taught her to oil and light. Near a Western fire-place was a Turkish mangal, like one which she had seen me light to warm bath-waters in Constantinople, and when I pointed to it, she ran to the kitchen, returned with some chopped wood, and very cleverly lit it. And there for several hours I sat that night, reading (the first time for many years): it was a book by the poet Milton, found in a glazed book-case on the other side of the fire-place: and most strange, most novel, I found those august words about warring angels that night, while the storm raved: for this man had evidently taken no end of pains with his book, and done it gallantly well, too, making the thing hum: and I could not conceive why he should have been at that trouble—unless it were for the same reason that I built the palace, because some spark bites a man, and he would be like—but that is all vanity, and delusion.

Sudden darkness fell, but she quickly found some matches, lit one, gazing at it with a thoughtful expression, and used it to light a candle and a bronze Western lamp on the table, which I had taught her to oil and light. Near a Western fireplace was a Turkish mangal, similar to the one she had seen me use to warm bathwater in Constantinople, and when I pointed to it, she ran to the kitchen, returned with some chopped wood, and expertly lit it. And there I sat that night for several hours, reading (the first time in many years): it was a book by the poet Milton, found in a glass-fronted bookcase on the other side of the fireplace: and most strange, most novel, I discovered those grand words about warring angels that night, while the storm raged outside: for this man had clearly put in a lot of effort into his book, and he did it quite brilliantly, making it come alive: and I couldn’t understand why he would have gone to such trouble—unless it was for the same reason that I built the palace, because some spark drives a person to create, and he wanted to be like—but that's all vanity and illusion.

Well, there is a rage in the storms of late years which really transcends bounds; I do not remember if I have noted it in these sheets before: but I never could have conceived a turbulence so huge. Hour after hour I sat there that night, smoking a chibouque, reading, and listening to the batteries and lamentations of that haunted air, shrinking from it, fearing even for the Speranza by her quay in the sequestered harbour, and for the palace-pillars. But what astonished me was that girl: for, after sitting on the ottoman to my left some time, she fell sideways asleep, not the least fear about her, though I should have thought that nervousness at such a turmoil would be so natural to her: and whence she has this light confidence in the world into which she has so abruptly come I do not know, for it is as though someone inspired her with the mood of nonchalance, saying: 'Be of good cheer, and care not a pin about anything: for God is God.'

Well, there's been a rage in the storms lately that really goes beyond limits; I can't remember if I've mentioned it in these pages before, but I never could have imagined such huge turmoil. Hour after hour I sat there that night, smoking a pipe, reading, and listening to the bombardments and cries of that haunted air, shrinking from it, even worrying about the Speranza by her dock in the remote harbor, and for the palace pillars. But what shocked me was that girl: after sitting on the ottoman to my left for a while, she fell asleep sideways, showing no fear at all, even though I would have thought being anxious in such chaos would be totally natural for her. I have no idea where she gets this easy confidence in the world she's just entered so abruptly, as if someone has filled her with a sense of nonchalance, saying: 'Be cheerful, and don't worry about anything: for God is God.'

I heard the ocean swing hoarse like heavy ordnance against the cliffs below, where they meet the outer surface of the southern of the two claws of land that form the harbour: and the thought came into my mind: 'If now I taught her to speak, to read, I could sometimes make her read a book to me.'

I heard the ocean roaring like heavy artillery against the cliffs below, where they meet the outer edge of the southern of the two landmasses that form the harbor. And it occurred to me: 'If I taught her to talk and read, I could have her read a book to me sometimes.'

The winds seemed wilfully struggling for the house to snatch and wing it away into the drear Eternities of the night: and I could not but heave the sigh: 'Alas for us two poor waifs and castaways of our race, little bits of flotsam and seaweed-hair cast up here a moment, ah me, on this shore of the Ages, soon to be dragged back, O turgid Eternity, into thy abysmal gorge; and upon what strand—who shall say?—shall she next be flung, and I, divided then perhaps by all the stretch of the trillion-distanced astral gulf?' And such a pity, and a wringing of the heart, seemed in things, that a tear fell from my eyes that ominous midnight.

The winds seemed to be fighting against the house, trying to take it away into the bleakness of the night. I couldn't help but let out a sigh: "Oh, how sad for us, two lost souls of our kind, just small pieces of debris and seaweed tossed here for a moment, oh, on this shore of time, soon to be pulled back, oh, heavy Eternity, into your endless depths; and where—who can say?—will she be thrown next, while I might be separated from her by the vast distances of the universe?" It felt so tragic, and my heart ached so much that a tear slipped from my eyes that dark midnight.

She started up at a gust of more appalling volume, rubbing her eyes, with dishevelled hair (it must have been about midnight), listening a minute, with that demure, droll interest of hers, to the noise of the elements, and then smiled to me; rose then, left the room, and presently returned with a pomegranate and some almonds on a plate, also some delicious old sweet wine in a Samian cruche, and an old silver cup, gilt inside, standing in a zarf. These she placed on the table near me, I murmuring: 'Hospitality.'

She jumped up at a loud noise, rubbing her eyes, with messy hair (it must have been around midnight), listening for a moment, with that shy, quirky interest of hers, to the sound of the storm, and then smiled at me. She got up, left the room, and soon came back with a pomegranate and some almonds on a plate, along with some amazing old sweet wine in a Samian jug, and an old silver cup, gold inside, sitting in a cup holder. She set these on the table next to me, and I mumbled: 'Hospitality.'

She looked at the book, which I read as I ate, with lowered left eye-lid, seeking to guess its use, I suppose. Most things she understands at once, but this must have baffled her: for to see one looking fixedly at a thing, and not know what one is looking at it for, must be very disconcerting.

She glanced at the book I was reading while eating, with her left eyelid slightly lowered, probably trying to figure out its purpose. She usually gets things right away, but this must have confused her because seeing someone staring at something without knowing why they're doing it can be really unsettling.

I held it up before her, saying:

I held it up in front of her, saying:

"Shall I teach you to read it? If I did, how would you repay me, you Clodagh?"

"Should I teach you how to read it? If I did, what would you give me in return, Clodagh?"

She cocked her eyes, seeking to comprehend. God knows, at that moment I pitied the poor dumb waif, alone in all the whole round earth with me. The candle-flame, moved by the wind like a slow-painting brush, flickered upon her face, though every cranny was closed.

She narrowed her eyes, trying to understand. Honestly, at that moment I felt sorry for the poor helpless girl, all alone in the world with just me. The candle flame, swayed by the wind like a slow brush stroke, flickered across her face, even though every gap was shut.

"Perhaps, then," I said, "I will teach you. You are a pitiable little derelict of your race, you know: and two hours every day I will let you come to the palace, and I will teach you. But be sure, be careful. If there be danger, I will kill you: assuredly—without fail. And let me begin with a lesson now: say after me: 'White.'"

"Maybe, then," I said, "I’ll teach you. You’re a sad little outcast from your people, you know: and for two hours every day, I’ll let you come to the palace, and I’ll teach you. But you have to be careful. If there’s any danger, I will kill you: for sure—no doubt about it. And let’s start with a lesson now: repeat after me: 'White.'"

I took her hand, and got her to understand that I wanted her to repeat after me.

I took her hand and helped her understand that I wanted her to repeat after me.

"White," said I.

"White," I said.

"Hwhite," said she.

"Hwhite," she said.

'Power,' said I.

"Power," I said.

'Pow-wer,' said she.

"Power," she said.

'White Power,' said I.

'White Power,' I said.

'Hwhite Pow-wer,' said she.

'Hwhite Power,' she said.

'Shall not,' said I.

"I won't," I said.

'Sall not,' said she.

"Shall not," she said.

'White Power shall not,' said I.

'White Power will not,' I said.

'Hwhite Pow-wer sall not,' said she.

'Hwhite Pow-wer shall not,' she said.

'Prevail,' said I.

"Prevail," I said.

'Fffail,' said she, pronouncing the 'v' with a long fluttering 'f'-sound.

'Fffail,' she said, emphasizing the 'v' with a long, fluttering 'f' sound.

'Pre-vail,' said I.

'Pre-vail,' I said.

'Pe-vvvail,' said she.

'Pe-vvvail,' she said.

'White Power shall not prevail,' said I.

'White Power won't win,' I said.

'Hwhite Pow-wer sall not—fffail,' said she.

'Hwhite Pow-wer shall not fail,' she said.

A thunder which roared as she said it seemed to me to go laughing through the universe, and a minute I looked upon her face with positive shrinking fear; till, starting up, I thrust her with violence from my path, and dashed forth to re-seek the palace and my bed.

A thunder that roared as she spoke seemed to laugh through the universe, and for a moment, I looked at her face with real fear; then, suddenly, I shoved her out of my way and rushed back to find the palace and my bed.

Such was the ingratitude and fatality which my first attempt, four nights since, to teach her met with. It remains to be seen whether my pity for her dumbness, or some servile tendency toward fellowship in myself, will result in any further lesson. Certainly, I think not: for though I have given my word, the most solemnly-pledged word may be broken.

Such was the ingratitude and bad luck that my first attempt, four nights ago, to teach her faced. It remains to be seen whether my sympathy for her silence, or some submissive desire for connection within me, will lead to any further lesson. Honestly, I doubt it: because even though I have promised, the most sincerely made promise can still be broken.

Surely, surely, her presence in the world with me—for I suppose it is that—has wrought some profound changes in my mood: for gone now apparently are those turbulent hours when, stalking like a peacock, I flaunted my monarchy in the face of the Eternal Powers, with hissed blasphemies; or else dribbled, shaking my body in a lewd dance; or was off to fire some vast city and revel in redness and the chucklings of Hell; or rolled in the drunkenness of drugs. It was mere frenzy!—I see it now—it was 'not good,' 'not good.' And it rather looks as if it were past—or almost. I have clipped my beard and hair, removed the earrings, and thought of modifying my attire. I will just watch to see whether she comes loitering down there about the gate of the lake.

Surely, her presence in the world with me—because I think that's what it is—has brought some significant changes to my mood: those turbulent hours when I strutted around like a peacock, flaunting my power in front of the Eternal Forces, shouting blasphemies; or when I danced lewdly, shaking my body; or when I planned to set fire to some huge city and indulge in chaos and the laughter of Hell; or when I was lost in the haze of drugs. It was pure madness!—I see that now—it was 'not good,' 'not good.' And it seems like that time has either passed—or is almost over. I've trimmed my beard and hair, taken out my earrings, and considered changing what I wear. I'm just going to watch to see if she comes wandering around the gate by the lake.


Her progress is like....

Her progress is similar to....


It is nine months since I have written, on these sheets, those words, 'Her progress is like....' being the beginning of some narrative in which something interrupted me: and since then I have had no impulse to write.

It’s been nine months since I wrote on these pages, those words, 'Her progress is like....,' which was the start of a story that got interrupted: and since then, I haven’t felt the urge to write.

But I was thinking just now of the curious tricks and uncertainties of my memory, and seeing the sheets, will record it here. I have lately been trying to recall the name of a sister of mine—some perfectly simple name, I know—and the name of my old home in England: and they have completely passed out of my cognizance, though she was my only sister, and we grew up closely together: some quite simple name, I forget it now. Yet I can't say that my memory is bad: there are things—quite unexpected, unimportant things—which come up in my mind with considerable clearness. For instance, I remember to have met in Paris (I think), long before the poison-cloud, a little Brazilian boy of the colour of weak coffee-and-milk, of whom she now constantly reminds me. He wore his hair short like a convict's, so that one could spy the fish-white flesh beneath, and delighted to play solitary about the stairs of the hotel, dressed up in the white balloon-dress of a Pierrot. I have the impression now that he must have had very large ears. Clever as a flea he was, knowing five or six languages, as it were by nature, without having any suspicion that that was at all extraordinary. She has that same light, unconscious, and nonchalant cleverness, and easy way of life. It is little more than a year since I began to teach her, and already she can speak English with a quite considerable vocabulary, and perfect correctness (except that she does not pronounce the letter 'r'); she has also read, or rather devoured, a good many books; and can write, draw, and play the harp. And all she does without effort: rather with the flighty naturalness with which a bird takes to the wing.

But I was just thinking about the strange quirks and uncertainties of my memory, and seeing the sheets, I will note it down here. Recently, I’ve been trying to remember the name of my sister—some perfectly simple name, I know—and the name of my old home in England: but they’ve completely slipped my mind, even though she was my only sister and we grew up together closely: just a simple name, and now I can’t recall it. Yet I wouldn't say my memory is bad: there are things—totally unexpected, trivial things—that pop into my mind quite clearly. For example, I remember meeting a little Brazilian boy in Paris (I think), long before the poison-cloud, who had the color of weak coffee-and-milk, and she often reminds me of him. He had very short hair like a convict’s, so you could see the pale skin underneath, and he loved to play alone on the hotel stairs, dressed in the white balloon outfit of a Pierrot. I have the impression now that he must have had very big ears. He was as clever as a whip, knowing five or six languages almost naturally, without realizing it was unusual. She has that same light, effortless, and laid-back cleverness and easygoing approach to life. It’s been just over a year since I started teaching her, and already she can speak English with quite a good vocabulary and perfect accuracy (except she doesn’t pronounce the letter 'r'); she has also read, or rather devoured, a good number of books; plus, she can write, draw, and play the harp. And she does all of this effortlessly: more with the effortless grace with which a bird takes to the air.

What made me teach her to read was this: One afternoon, fourteen months or so ago, I from the roof-kiosk saw her down at the lake-rim, a book in hand; and as she had seen me looking steadily at books, so she was looking steadily at it, with pathetic sideward head: so that I burst into laughter, for I saw her clearly through the glass, and whether she is the simplest little fool, or the craftiest serpent that ever breathed, I am not yet sure. If I thought that she has the least design upon my honour, it would be ill for her.

What made me teach her to read was this: One afternoon, about fourteen months ago, I saw her from the roof kiosk down by the lake's edge, holding a book; and just as she had seen me intently focused on books, she was intently focused on hers, with a sad little tilt of her head. I couldn’t help but laugh because I could see her clearly through the glass, and I'm still uncertain whether she's the most naive little fool or the cleverest snake that ever existed. If I thought she had the slightest intention of dishonoring me, it would not be good for her.

I went to Gallipoli for two days in the month of May, and brought back a very pretty little caique, a perfect slender crescent of the colour of the moon, though I had two days' labour in cutting through bush-thicket for the passage of the motor in bringing it up to the lake. It has pleased me to see her lie among the silk cushions of the middle, while I, paddling, taught her her first words and sentences between the hours of eight and ten in the evening, though later they became 10 A.M. to noon, when the reading began, we sitting on the palace-steps before the portal, her mouth invariably well covered with the yashmak, the lesson-book being a large-lettered old Bible found at her yali. Why she must needs wear the yashmak she has never once asked; and how much she divines, knows, or intends, I have no idea, continually questioning myself as to whether she is all simplicity, or all cunning.

I went to Gallipoli for two days in May and came back with a beautiful little caique, a perfect slender crescent the color of the moon, though I spent two days cutting through brush to get the motor up to the lake. It delighted me to see her lying among the silk cushions in the middle while I paddled, teaching her her first words and sentences between eight and ten in the evening. Later, it shifted to 10 A.M. to noon when we started reading, sitting on the palace steps in front of the entrance, her mouth always well-covered with the yashmak, using a large-lettered old Bible I found at her yali as our lesson book. Why she needs to wear the yashmak she has never asked; and I have no idea how much she understands, knows, or intends, constantly wondering whether she is completely simple or completely cunning.

That she is conscious of some profound difference in our organisation I cannot doubt: for that I have a long beard, and she none at all, is among the most patent of facts.

That she's aware of a significant difference in our setup, I have no doubt: the fact that I have a long beard and she has none is one of the most obvious facts.


I have thought that a certain Western-ness—a growing modernity of tone—may be the result, as far as I am concerned, of her presence with me? I do not know....

I have wondered if a certain Western-ness—an increasing modernity of tone—might be due, at least for me, to her being here with me? I don't know....


There is the gleam of a lake-end just visible in the north forest from the palace-top, and in it a good number of fish like carp, tench, roach, etc., so in May I searched for a tackle-shop in the Gallipoli Fatmeh-bazaar, and got four 12-foot rods, with reels, silk-line, quill-floats, a few yards of silk-worm gut, with a packet of No. 7 and 8 hooks, and split-shot for sinkers; and since red-worms, maggots and gentles are common on the island, I felt sure of a great many more fish than the number I wanted, which was none at all. However, for the mere amusement, I fished several times, lying at my length in a patch of long-grass over-waved by an enormous cedar, where the bank is steep, and the water deep. And one mid-afternoon she was suddenly there with me, questioned me with her eyes, and when I consented, stayed: and presently I said I would teach her bottom-angling, and sent her flying up to the palace for another rod and tackle.

There’s a glimpse of a lake just visible in the northern forest from the top of the palace, and it's filled with a good number of fish like carp, tench, roach, and so on. So, in May, I looked for a tackle shop in the Gallipoli Fatmeh market and got four 12-foot rods, complete with reels, silk line, quill floats, a few yards of silk-worm gut, a packet of No. 7 and 8 hooks, and split-shot for sinkers. Since red worms, maggots, and gentles are common on the island, I was sure I’d catch a lot more fish than I actually wanted, which was none at all. However, just for fun, I went fishing several times, lying back in a patch of long grass under a huge cedar tree, where the bank is steep, and the water is deep. One afternoon, she suddenly appeared with me, questioned me with her eyes, and when I agreed, she stayed. Soon after, I said I would teach her bottom fishing and sent her running up to the palace for another rod and tackle.

That day she did nothing, for after teaching her to thread the worm, and put the gentles on the smaller hooks, I sent her to hunt for worms to chop up for ground-baiting the pitch for the next afternoon; and when this was done it was dinner-time, and I sent her home, for by then I was giving the reading-lessons in the morning.

That day she didn't do much because after I taught her how to thread the worm and put the bait on the smaller hooks, I had her go looking for worms to chop up for ground bait for the next afternoon's fishing. Once that was done, it was time for dinner, and I sent her home since I had already started the reading lessons in the morning.

The next day I found her at the bank, taught her to take the sounding for adjusting the float, and she lay down not far from me, holding the rod. So I said to her:

The next day I found her at the bank, showed her how to take the measurement to adjust the float, and she lay down nearby, holding the rod. So I said to her:

'Well, this is better than living in a dark cellar twenty years, with nothing to do but walk up and down, sleep, and consume dates and Ismidt wine.'

'Well, this is better than spending twenty years in a dark basement, with nothing to do but pace back and forth, sleep, and eat dates and Ismidt wine.'

'Yes!' says she.

"Yes!" she says.

'Twenty years!' said I: 'How did you bear it?'

'Twenty years!' I said. 'How did you handle it?'

'I was not closs,' says she.

'I was not close,' she says.

'Did you never suspect that there was a world outside that cellar?' said

'Did you never wonder if there was a world outside that cellar?' said

I.

I.

'Never,' says she, 'or lather, yes: but I did not suppose that it was this world, but another where he lived.'

'Never,' she says, 'or maybe, yes: but I didn't think it was this world, but another one where he lived.'

'He who?'

'Who is he?'

'He who spoke with me.'

'The person who spoke to me.'

'Who was that?'

'Who was that?'

'Oh! a bite!' she screamed gladly.

'Oh! I got a bite!' she exclaimed happily.

I saw her float bob under, and started up, rushed to her, and taught her how to strike and play it, though it turned out when landed to be nothing but a tiny barbel: but she was in ecstasies, holding it on her palm, murmuring her fond coo.

I saw her float bob down, and jumped up, rushed to her, and showed her how to strike and play it, though when it was finally landed, it turned out to be just a little barbel: but she was ecstatic, cradling it in her hand, murmuring her sweet coo.

She re-baited, and we lay again. I said:

She re-baited, and we laid down again. I said:

'But what a life: no exit, no light, no prospect, no hope—'

'But what a life: no way out, no light, no future, no hope—'

'Plenty of hope!' says she.

'Lots of hope!' she says.

'Good Heavens! hope of what?'

'Good heavens! Hope for what?'

'I knew vely well that something was lipening over the cellar, or under, or alound it, and would come to pass at a certain fixed hour, and that I should see it, and feel it, and it would be vely nice.'

'I knew very well that something was happening over the cellar, or underneath it, or around it, and would occur at a specific time, and that I would see it, and feel it, and it would be very nice.'

'Ah, well, you had to wait for it, at any rate. Didn't those twenty years seem long?'

'Ah, well, you had to wait for it, anyway. Didn't those twenty years feel long?'

'No—at least sometimes—not often. I was always so occupied.'

'No—at least sometimes—not often. I was always so busy.'

'Occupied in doing what?'

'Busy doing what?'

'In eating, or dlinking, or lunning, or talking.'

'In eating, or drinking, or running, or talking.'

'Talking to yourself?'

'Talking to yourself?'

'Not myself.'

'Not me.'

'To whom, then?'

'To whom, then?'

'To the one who told me when I was hungly, and put the dates to satisfy my hunger.'

'To the one who fed me when I was hungry and gave me dates to satisfy my cravings.'

'I see. Don't wriggle about in that way, or you will never catch any fish. The maxim of angling is: "Study to be quiet"—'

'I see. Don't squirm like that, or you'll never catch any fish. The key principle of fishing is: "Learn to be still"—'

'O! another bite!' she called, and this time, all alone, very agilely landed a good-sized bream.

'O! another bite!' she called, and this time, all alone, she quickly caught a decent-sized bream.

'But do you mean that you were never sad?' said I when she was re-settled.

'But are you saying that you were never sad?' I asked once she was settled again.

'Sometimes I would sit and cly,' says she—'I did not know why. But if that was "sadness," I was never miserlable, never, never. And if I clied, it did not last long, and I would soon fall to sleep, for he would lock me in his lap, and kiss me, and wipe all my tears away.'

'Sometimes I would sit and cry,' she says—'I didn’t know why. But if that was "sadness," I was never miserable, never, never. And if I cried, it didn’t last long, and I would soon fall asleep, because he would hold me in his lap, kiss me, and wipe all my tears away.'

'He who?'

'Who is he?'

'Why, what a question! he who told me when I was hungly, and of the thing that was lipening outside the cellar, which would be so nice.'

'Why, what a question! He told me when I was hungry, and about the things happening outside the cellar, which would be so nice.'

'I see, I see. But in all that dingy place, and thick gloom, were you never at all afraid?'

'I get it, I get it. But in that dark and dreary place, with all that heavy gloom, were you never afraid at all?'

'Aflaid! I! of what?'

'Afraid! I! of what?'

'Of the unknown.'

'About the unknown.'

'I do not understand you. How could I be aflaid? The known was the very opposite of tellible: it was merely hunger and dates, thirst and wine, the desire to lun and space to lun in, the desire to sleep and sleep: there was nothing tellible in that: and the unknown was even less tellible than the known: for it was the nice thing that was lipening outside the cellar. I do not understand—'

'I do not understand you. How could I be afraid? What I knew was the complete opposite of terrible: it was just hunger and dates, thirst and wine, the urge to run and space to run in, the need to sleep and sleeping: there was nothing terrible in that: and the unknown was even less terrible than the known: because it was the nice thing that was happening outside the cellar. I do not understand—'

'Ah, yes,' said I, 'you are a clever little being: but your continual fluttering about is fatal to all angling. Isn't it in your nature to keep still a minute? And with regard now to your habits in the cellar—?'

'Ah, yes,' I said, 'you're quite the clever little creature: but your constant fluttering around ruins all fishing. Isn't it in your nature to stay still for a moment? And about your habits in the cellar—?'

'Another!' she cried with happy laugh, and landed a young chub. And that afternoon she caught seven, and I none.

'Another!' she shouted with a joyful laugh, and caught a young chub. That afternoon, she caught seven, and I caught none.


Another day I took her from the pitch to one of the kitchens in the village with some of the fish, till then always thrown away, and taught her cooking: for the only cooking-implement in the palace is the silver alcohol-lamp for coffee and chocolate. We both scrubbed the utensils, and boil and fry I taught her, and the making of a sauce from vinegar, bottled olives, and the tinned American butter from the Speranza, and the boiling of rice mixed with flour for ground-baiting our pitch. And she, at first astonished, was soon all deft housewifeliness, breathless officiousness, and behind my back, of her own intuitiveness, grated some dry almonds found there, and with them sprinkled the fried tench. And we ate them, sitting on the floor together: the first new food, I suppose, tasted by me for twenty-one years: nor did I find it disagreeable.

Another day, I took her from the field to one of the kitchens in the village with some of the fish that had always been thrown away, and I taught her how to cook. The only cooking tool in the palace is a silver alcohol lamp for coffee and chocolate. We both scrubbed the utensils, and I showed her how to boil and fry food, and how to make a sauce from vinegar, bottled olives, and the tinned American butter from the Speranza, as well as how to boil rice mixed with flour for baiting our fishing spot. At first, she was astonished, but she quickly became skilled and eager to help. Without me noticing, she grated some dry almonds she found there and sprinkled them over the fried tench. We ate them sitting on the floor together. It was the first new food I had tasted in twenty-one years, and I didn’t find it disagreeable at all.

The next day she came up to the palace reading a book, which turned out to be a cookery-book in English, found at her yali; and a week later, she appeared, out of hours, presenting me a yellow-earthenware dish containing a mess of gorgeous colours—a boiled fish under red peppers, bits of saffron, a greenish sauce, and almonds: but I turned her away, and would have none of her, or her dish.

The next day, she arrived at the palace reading a book, which turned out to be a cookbook in English that she had found at her yali. A week later, she showed up unexpectedly, offering me a yellow earthenware dish filled with a beautiful array of colors—a boiled fish topped with red peppers, bits of saffron, a greenish sauce, and almonds. However, I turned her away and wanted nothing to do with her or her dish.


About a mile up to the west of the palace is a very old ruin in the deepest forest, I think of a mosque, though only three truncated internal pillars under ivy, and the weedy floor, with the courtyard and portal-steps remain, before it being a long avenue of cedars, gently descending from the steps, the path between the trees choked with long-grass and wild rye reaching to my middle. Here I saw one day a large disc of old brass, bossed in the middle, which may have been either a shield or part of an ancient cymbal, with concentric rings graven round it, from centre to circumference. The next day I brought some nails, a hammer, a saw, and a box of paints from the Speranza; and I painted the rings in different colours, cut down a slim lime-trunk, nailed the thin disc along its top, and planted it well, before the steps: for I said I would make a bull's-eye, and do rifle and revolver practice before it, from the avenue. And this the next evening I was doing at four hundred feet, startling the island, it seemed, with that unusual noise, when up she came peering with enquiring face: at which I was very angry, because my arm, long unused, was firing wide: but I was too proud to say anything, and let her look, and soon she understood, laughing every time I made a considerable miss, till at last I turned upon her saying: 'If you think it so easy, you may try.'

About a mile west of the palace, there's an old ruin hidden in the deep forest that I think used to be a mosque. Only three short internal pillars, covered in ivy, and a weedy floor remain, along with the courtyard and steps leading up to it. In front, there's a long avenue of cedars that gently slopes down from the steps, with the path between the trees overgrown with grass and wild rye that reaches up to my waist. One day, I came across a large disc made of old brass, with a raised center, which might have been a shield or part of an ancient cymbal, decorated with concentric rings all around it. The next day, I brought some nails, a hammer, a saw, and a box of paints from the Speranza; I painted the rings in different colors, cut down a thin lime tree, nailed the disc to the top of it, and planted it firmly in front of the steps. I said I would make a target and practice shooting at it with a rifle and revolver from the avenue. The next evening, I was doing just that from four hundred feet away, startling the island with the unusual noise when she approached with a curious expression. I felt frustrated because my arm, not used to this, was off-target, but I was too proud to say anything and let her watch. She quickly figured it out, laughing every time I missed by a lot, until finally, I turned to her and said, 'If you think it's so easy, you should give it a try.'

She had been wanting to try, for she came eagerly to the offer, and after I had opened and showed her the mechanism, the cartridges, and how to shoot, I put into her hands one of the Speranza Colt's. She took her bottom-lip between her teeth, shut her left eye, vaulted out the revolver like an old shot to the level of her intense right eye, and sent a ball through the geometrical centre of the boss.

She had been eager to try, so she jumped at the chance when it was offered. After I opened it up and showed her how it worked, including the cartridges and how to shoot, I handed her one of the Speranza Colts. She bit her bottom lip, closed her left eye, aimed the revolver confidently with her intense right eye, and fired a shot right through the center of the target.

However, it was a fluke-shot, for I had the satisfaction of seeing her miss every one of the other five, except the last, which hit the black. That, however, was three weeks since, and now my hitting record is forty per cent., and hers ninety-six—most extraordinary: so that it is clear that this creature is the protégée of someone, and favouritism is in the world.

However, it was just a lucky shot, because I enjoyed seeing her miss all five of the others, except for the last one, which hit the target. However, that was three weeks ago, and now my hitting percentage is forty percent, while hers is ninety-six—most unusual. It's clear that this person is the protégée of someone, and that favoritism exists in the world.


Her book of books is the Old Testament. Sometimes, at noon or afternoon, I may look abroad from the roof or galleries, and see a remote figure sitting on the sward under the shade of plane or black cypress: and I always know that the book she cons there is the Bible—like an old Rabbi. She has a passion for stories: and there finds a store.

Her collection of books is the Old Testament. Sometimes, around noon or in the afternoon, I might look out from the roof or balconies and see a distant figure sitting on the grass under the shade of a plane tree or a black cypress. I always can tell that the book she’s reading is the Bible—like an old Rabbi. She has a love for stories, and there, she finds plenty.

Three nights since when it was pretty late, and the moon very splendid, I saw her passing homewards close to the lake, and shouted down to her, meaning to say 'Good-night'; but she thought that I had called her, and came: and sitting out on the top step we talked for hours, she without the yashmak.

Three nights ago, when it was pretty late and the moon was shining beautifully, I saw her walking home near the lake, and I called out to her, intending to say 'Good night.' But she thought I was calling her over, so she came over. We sat on the top step and talked for hours, with her not wearing the yashmak.

We fell to talking about the Bible. And says she: 'What did Cain to Abel?'

We started talking about the Bible. And she asked, "What did Cain do to Abel?"

'He knocked him over,' I replied, liking sometimes to use such idioms, with the double object of teaching and perplexing her.

'He knocked him over,' I replied, enjoying the use of idioms like that, both to teach her and to confuse her.

'Over what?' says she.

"About what?" she says.

'Over his heels,' said I.

'Over his head,' said I.

'I do not complehend!'

'I do not understand!'

'He killed him, then.'

'He killed him, then.'

'That I know. But how did Abel feel when he was killed? What is it to be killed?'

'That I know. But how did Abel feel when he was killed? What does it mean to be killed?'

'Well,' said I, 'you have seen bones all around you, and the bones of your mother, and you can feel the bones in your fingers. Your fingers will become mere bone after you are dead, as die you must. Those bones which you see around you, are, of course, the bones of the men of whom we often speak: and the same thing happened to them which happens to a fish or a butterfly when you catch them, and they lie all still.'

'Well,' I said, 'you’ve seen bones all around you, including your mother’s, and you can feel the bones in your fingers. After you die, your fingers will just be bones too, as you will definitely die. The bones you see around you are, of course, the bones of the people we often talk about: the same thing happened to them that happens to a fish or a butterfly when you catch them, and they lie completely still.'

'And the men and the butterfly feel the same after they are dead?'

'Do the men and the butterfly feel the same way after they die?'

'Precisely the same. They lie in a deep drowse, and dream a nonsense-dream.'

'Exactly the same. They are in a deep sleep and are having a meaningless dream.'

'That is not dleadful. I thought that it was much more dleadful. I should not mind dying.'

'That isn’t so dreadful. I thought it was much more dreadful. I wouldn’t mind dying.'

'Ah!... so much the better: for it is possible that you may have to die a great deal sooner than you think.'

'Ah!... that's even better: because you might have to die much sooner than you realize.'

'I should not mind. Why were men so vely aflaid to die?'

'I wouldn't mind. Why were men so very afraid to die?'

'Because they were all such shocking cowards.'

'Because they were all such shocking cowards.'

'Oh, not all! not all!'

'Oh, not everyone! not everyone!'

(This girl, I know not with what motive, has now definitely set herself up against me as the defender of the dead race. With every chance she is at it.)

(This girl, I don't know why, has now clearly positioned herself as the defender of the dead race against me. She's at it every chance she gets.)

'Nearly all,' said I: 'tell me one who was not afraid—'

'Almost everyone,' I said: 'tell me one person who wasn't afraid—'

'There was Isaac,' says she: 'when Ablaham laid him on the wood to kill him, he did not jump up and lun to hide.'

'There was Isaac,' she says: 'when Abraham laid him on the wood to kill him, he didn't jump up and run to hide.'

'Isaac was a great exception,' said I: 'in the Bible and such books, you understand, you read of only the best sorts of people; but there were millions and millions of others—especially about the time of the poison-cloud—on a very much lower level—putrid wretches—covetous, false, murderous, mean, selfish, debased, hideous, diseased, making the earth a very charnel of festering vices and crimes.'

'Isaac was a real exception,' I said. 'In the Bible and similar texts, you see, they focus on only the best kinds of people; but there were millions and millions of others—especially around the time of the poison-cloud—who were on a much lower level—putrid wretches—greedy, deceitful, murderous, petty, selfish, corrupt, ugly, sick, turning the earth into a graveyard of festering vices and crimes.'

This, for several minutes, she did not answer, sitting with her back half toward me, cracking almonds, continually striking one step with the ball of her outstretched foot. In the clarid gold of the platform I saw her fez and corals reflected as an elongated blotch of florid red. She turned and drank some wine from the great gold Jarvan goblet which I had brought from the temple of Boro Budor, her head quite covered in by it. Then, the little hairs at her lip-corners still wet, says she:

This went on for several minutes; she didn’t respond, sitting with her back partially turned to me, cracking almonds and rhythmically tapping one foot on the ground. In the bright gold light of the platform, I saw her fez and coral jewelry reflected as a long patch of vibrant red. She turned and took a sip of wine from the large gold Jarvan goblet that I had brought from the Boro Budor temple, her head almost entirely hidden by it. Then, with the tiny hairs at the corners of her lips still damp, she said:

'Vices and climes, climes and vices. Always the same. What were these climes and vices?'

'Vices and places, places and vices. Always the same. What were these places and vices?'

'Robberies of a hundred sorts, murders of ten hundred—'

'Robberies of all kinds, murders in the thousands—'

'But what made them do them?'

'But what made them do that?'

'Their evil nature—their base souls.'

'Their evil nature—selfish souls.'

'But you are one of them, I am another: yet you and I live here together, and we do no vices and climes.'

'But you are one of them, I am another: yet you and I live here together, and we do no vices and climes.'

Her astounding shrewdness! Right into the inmost heart of a matter does her simple wit seem to pierce!

Her incredible cleverness! It seems like her straightforward intelligence cuts right to the core of any issue!

'No,' I said, 'we do no vices and crimes, because we lack motive. There is no danger that we should hate each other, for we have plenty to eat and drink, dates, wines, and thousands of things. (Our danger is rather the other way.) But they hated and schemed, because they were very numerous, and there arose a question among them of dates and wine.'

'No,' I said, 'we don't commit vices or crimes, because we have no motive. There’s no risk that we would hate each other, since we have plenty to eat and drink, dates, wines, and tons of other stuff. (Our danger is quite the opposite.) But they hated and plotted, because they were numerous, and a dispute arose among them over dates and wine.'

'Was there not, then, enough land to grow dates and wine for all?'

'Was there not enough land to grow dates and wine for everyone?'

'There was—yes: much more than enough, I fancy. But some got hold of a vast lot of it, and as the rest felt the pinch of scarcity, there arose, naturally, a pretty state of things—including the vices and crimes.'

'There was—yeah: way more than enough, I think. But some grabbed a huge amount of it, and as the rest felt the squeeze of not having enough, it led to a pretty chaotic situation—complete with vices and crimes.'

'Ah, but then,' says she, 'it was not to their bad souls that the vices and climes were due, but only to this question of land. It is certain that if there had been no such question, there would have been no vices and climes, because you and I, who are just like them, do no vices and climes here, where there is no such question.'

'Ah, but then,' she says, 'the vices and issues weren't caused by their bad character, but only by the question of land. It's clear that if there hadn't been such a question, there wouldn't have been any vices or issues, because you and I, just like them, don't have any vices or issues here, where there's no such question.'

The clear limelight of her intelligence! She wriggled on her seat in her effort of argument.

The bright spotlight of her intelligence! She squirmed in her seat as she tried to make her point.

'I am not going to argue the matter,' I said. 'There was that question of dates and wine, you see. And there always must be on an earth where millions of men, with varying degrees of cunning, reside.'

'I’m not going to argue about it,' I said. 'There was that issue with the dates and the wine, you know. And there will always be, in a world where millions of people, with different levels of cleverness, live.'

'Oh, not at all necessalily!' she cries with conviction: 'not at all, at all: since there are much more dates and wine than are enough for all. If there should spling up more men now, having the whole wisdom, science, and expelience of the past at their hand, and they made an allangement among themselves that the first man who tlied to take more than he could work for should be killed, and sent to dleam a nonsense-dleam, the question could never again alise!'

'Oh, not at all necessary!' she exclaims confidently. 'Not at all! There are way more dates and wine than enough for everyone. If more men came forward now, armed with all the wisdom, science, and experience of the past, and they agreed that the first man who tried to take more than he could handle should be eliminated and sent to dream a nonsensical dream, the issue would never come up again!'

'It arose before—it would arise again.'

'It came up before—it would come up again.'

'But no! I can guess clearly how it alose before: it alose thlough the sheer carelessness of the first men. The land was at first so vely, vely much more than enough for all, that the men did not take the tlouble to make an allangement among themselves; and afterwards the habit of carelessness was confirmed; till at last the vely oliginal carelessness must have got to have the look of an allangement; and so the stleam which began in a little long ended in a big long, the long glowing more and more fixed and fatal as the stleam lolled further flom the source. I see it clearly, can't you? But now, if some more men would spling, they would be taught—'

'But no! I can see clearly how it happened before: it happened through the sheer carelessness of the first people. The land was at first so, so much more than enough for everyone, that the people didn’t bother to make any arrangements among themselves; and then the habit of carelessness became ingrained; until eventually the very original carelessness must have started to look like an arrangement; and so the stream that began small ended up large, the flow becoming more and more fixed and destructive as the stream moved further from the source. I see it clearly, can’t you? But now, if more people would spring into action, they would be taught—'

'Ah, but no more men will spling, you see—!'

'Ah, but no more guys will spling, you see—!'

'There is no telling. I sometimes feel as if they must, and shall. The tlees blossom, the thunder lolls, the air makes me lun and leap, the glound is full of lichness, and I hear the voice of the Lord God walking all among the tlees of the folests.'

'There’s no way to know. Sometimes, I feel like they have to, and they will. The trees bloom, the thunder rumbles, the air makes me want to run and leap, the ground is full of richness, and I hear the voice of the Lord God walking among the trees in the forests.'

As she said this, I saw her under-lip push out and tremble, as when she is near to crying, and her eyes moisten: but a moment after she looked at me full, and smiled, so mobile is her face: and as she looked, it suddenly struck me what a noble temple of a brow the creature has, almost pointed at the uplifted summit, and widening down like a bell-curved Gothic arch, draped in strings of frizzy hair which anon she shakes backward with her head.

As she said this, I noticed her lower lip quiver and protrude, like when she’s about to cry, and her eyes got wet. But a moment later, she looked at me directly and smiled; her face changes so easily. As she looked, it suddenly hit me how noble her forehead is, almost pointed at the top and widening down like a bell-shaped Gothic arch, framed by strands of curly hair that she casually shakes back with her head.

'Clodagh,' I said after some minutes—'do you know why I called you Clodagh?'

'Clodagh,' I said after a few minutes—'do you know why I called you Clodagh?'

'No? Tell me?'

'What? Tell me?'

'Because once, long ago before the poison-cloud, I had a lover called Clodagh: and she was a....'

'Because once, a long time ago before the poison-cloud, I had a lover named Clodagh: and she was a....'

'But tell me first,' cries she: 'how did one know one's lover, or one's wife, flom all the others?'

'But tell me first,' she exclaims: 'how does one recognize their lover or spouse among all the others?'

'Well, by their faces....'

'Well, by their expressions....'

'But there must have been many faces—all alike—'

'But there must have been many faces— all the same—'

'Not all alike. Each was different from the rest.'

'Not all the same. Each one was different from the others.'

'Still, it must have been vely clever to tell. I can hardly conceive any face, except yours and mine.'

'Still, it must have been really clever to say that. I can hardly imagine any face, except yours and mine.'

'Ah, because you are a little goose, you see.'

'Ah, because you're a little silly, you see.'

'What was a goose like?'

'What was a goose like?'

'It was a thing like a butterfly, only larger, and it kept its toes always spread out, with a skin stretched between.'

'It was something like a butterfly, but bigger, and it always kept its toes spread out, with a membrane stretched between them.'

'Leally? How caplicious! And am I like that?—but what were you saying that your lover, Clodagh, was?'

'Really? How capricious! And am I like that?—but what were you saying your lover, Clodagh, was?'

'She was a Poisoner.'

'She was a poisoner.'

'Then why call me Clodagh, since I am not a poisoner?'

'Then why call me Clodagh, since I'm not a poisoner?'

'I call you so to remind me: lest you—lest you—should become my—lover, too.'

'I call you so to remind me: so that you—so that you—don't become my—lover, too.'

'I am your lover already: for I love you.'

'I’m already your lover because I love you.'

'What, girl?'

'What’s up, girl?'

'Do I not love you, who are mine?'

'Don’t I love you, who belong to me?'

'Come, come, don't be a little maniac!' I went. 'Clodagh was a poisoner....'

'Come on, don't be so dramatic!' I said. 'Clodagh was a poisoner....'

'Why did she poison? Had she not enough dates and wine?'

'Why did she poison? Didn't she have enough dates and wine?'

'She had, yes: but she wanted more, more, more, the silly idiot.'

'She had, yes: but she wanted more, more, more, the foolish idiot.'

'So that the vices and climes were not confined to those that lacked things, but were done by the others, too?'

'So the vices and behaviors weren't limited to those who were lacking, but were also exhibited by others, right?'

'By the others chiefly.'

'Mainly by the others.'

'Then I see how it was!'

'Then I see how it is!'

'How was it?'

'How was it?'

'The others had got spoiled. The vices and climes must have begun with those who lacked things, and then the others, always seeing vices and climes alound them, began to do them, too—as when one rotten olive is in a bottle, the whole mass soon becomes collupted: but originally they were not rotten, but only became so. And all though a little carelessness at the first. I am sure that if more men could spling now—'

'The others had gotten spoiled. The bad habits and influences probably started with those who had less, and then the others, seeing these bad habits around them, began to adopt them too—just like when one rotten olive is in a bottle, the whole batch soon gets spoiled: but originally they weren't spoiled, they just became that way because of a little carelessness at first. I'm sure that if more people could change now—'

'But I told you, didn't I, that no more men will spring? You understand, Clodagh, that originally the earth produced men by a long process, beginning with a very low type of creature, and continually developing it, until at last a man stood up. But that can never happen again: for the earth is old, old, and has lost her producing vigour now. So talk no more of men splinging, and of things which you do not understand. Instead, go inside—stop, I will tell you a secret: to-day in the wood I picked some musk-roses and wound them into a wreath, meaning to give them you for your head when you came to-morrow: and it is inside on the pearl tripod in the second room to the left: go, therefore, and put it on, and bring the harp, and play to me, my dear.'

'But I told you, didn’t I, that no more men will come? You understand, Clodagh, that originally the earth created men through a long process, starting with a very primitive type of creature, and gradually developing it, until finally a man stood up. But that can never happen again because the earth is old, very old, and has lost its ability to produce now. So don’t talk anymore about men springing up and things you don’t understand. Instead, go inside—wait, I’ll tell you a secret: today in the woods I picked some musk-roses and made a wreath to give to you for your head when you came tomorrow. It’s inside on the pearl tripod in the second room to the left. Go, then, and put it on, and bring the harp, and play for me, my dear.'

She ran quick with a little cry, and coming again, sat crowned, incarnadine in the blushing depths of the gold. Nor did I send her home to her lonely yali, till the pale and languished moon, weary of all-night beatitudes, sank down soft-couched in quilts of curdling opals to the Hesperian realms of her rest.

She ran fast with a little shout, and when she came back, she sat down, crowned, a deep red in the warm glow of the gold. I didn’t send her home to her lonely house until the pale, tired moon, worn out from all-night blessings, sank down softly into blankets of swirling opals to the peaceful lands of her rest.

So sometimes we speak together, she and I, she and I.

So sometimes we talk together, she and I, she and I.


That ever I should write such a thing! I am driven out from Imbros!

That I would ever write something like this! I've been driven out of Imbros!

I was walking up in a wood yesterday to the west—it was a calm clear evening about seven, the sun having just set. I had the book in which I have written so far in my hand, for I had thought of making a sketch of an old windmill to the north-west to show her. Twenty minutes before she had been with me, for I had chanced to meet her, and she had come, but kept darting on ahead after peeping fruit, gathering armfuls of amaranth, nenuphar, and red-berried asphodel, till, weary of my life, I had called to her: 'Go away! out of my sight'—and she, with suddenly pushed under-lip, had walked off.

I was walking through the woods to the west yesterday—it was a calm, clear evening around seven, right after the sun had set. I held the book where I’ve been writing, thinking about sketching an old windmill to the northwest to show her. Just twenty minutes earlier, she had been with me; I happened to run into her, and she had joined me but kept running ahead to pick fruit, collecting armfuls of amaranth, water lilies, and red-berried asphodels. Eventually, tired of my life, I shouted, ‘Go away! Get out of my sight’—and she, with a suddenly pushed-out lip, walked away.

Well, I was continuing my stroll, when I seemed to feel some quaking of the ground, and before one could count twenty, it was as if the island was bent upon wracking itself to pieces. My first thought was of her, and in great scare I went running, calling in the direction which she had gone, staggering as on the deck of some labouring ship, falling, picking myself up, running again. The air was quite full of uproar, and the land waving like the sea: and as I went plunging, not knowing whither, I saw to my right some three or four acres of forest droop and sink into a gulf which opened to receive them. Up I flung my arms, crying out: 'Good God! save the girl!' and a minute later rushed out, to my surprise, into open space on a hill-side. On the lower ground I could see the palace, and beyond it, a small space of white sea which had the awful appearance of being higher than the land. Down the hill-side I staggered, driven by the impulse to fly somewhither, but about half way down was startled afresh by a shrill pattering like musical hail, and the next moment saw the entire palace rush with the jangling clatter of a thousand bells into the heaving lake.

Well, I was continuing my walk when I felt the ground shake, and before I could count to twenty, it was like the island was about to tear itself apart. My first thought was of her, and in a panic, I started running, calling in the direction she had gone, stumbling like I was on a ship in rough seas, falling, getting back up, and running again. The air was filled with chaos, and the land was swaying like the ocean. As I ran blindly, I saw to my right three or four acres of forest droop and sink into a chasm that opened to swallow them. I threw my arms up, shouting, "Oh my God! Save the girl!" and a moment later, to my surprise, I burst into an open space on a hillside. Below me, I could see the palace and beyond it, a small patch of white ocean that horrifyingly appeared to be higher than the land. I staggered down the hillside, driven by the urge to flee somewhere, but halfway down I was startled again by a sharp pattering like musical hail, and the next moment I watched in shock as the entire palace rushed with the clanging noise of a thousand bells into the churning lake.

Some seconds after this, the earthquake, having lasted fully ten minutes, began to lull, and soon ceased. I found her an hour later standing among the ruins of her little yali.

Some seconds later, the earthquake, which had lasted a full ten minutes, started to calm down and soon stopped. I found her an hour later standing among the ruins of her little yali.


Well, what a thing! Probably every building on the island has been destroyed; the palace-platform, all cracked, leans half-sunken askew into the lake, like a huge stranded ark, while of the palace itself no trace remains, except a mound of gold stones emerging above the lake to the south. Gone, gone—sixteen years of vanity and vexation. But from a practical point of view, what is a worst calamity of all is that the Speranza now lies high-and-dry in the village: for she was bodily picked up from the quay by the tidal wave, and driven bow-foremost into a street not half her width, and there now lies, looking huge enough in the little village, wedged for ever, smashed in at the nip like a frail match-box, a most astonishing spectacle: her bows forty feet up the street, ten feet above the ground at the stem, rudder resting on the inner edge of the quay, foremast tilted forward, the other two masts all right, and that bottom, which has passed through seas so far, buried in every sort of green and brown seaweed, the old Speranza. Her steps were there, and by a slight leap I could catch them underneath and go up hand-over-hand, till I got foothold; this I did at ten the same night when the sea-water had mostly drained back from the land, leaving everything very swampy, however; she there with me, and soon following me upon the ship. I found most things cracked into tiny fragments, twisted, disfigured out of likeness, the house-walls themselves displaced a little at the nip, the bow of the cedar skiff smashed in to her middle against the aft starboard corner of the galley; and were it not for the fact that the air-pinnace had not broken from her heavy ropings, and one of the compasses still whole, I do not know what I should have done: for the four old water-logged boats in the cove have utterly disappeared.

Wow, what a sight! Almost every building on the island has been destroyed; the palace platform, cracked, leans half-sunken and crooked into the lake, like a massive stranded ship, while there’s nothing left of the palace itself except for a mound of gold stones rising above the lake to the south. It’s all gone—sixteen years of pride and frustration. But from a practical perspective, the worst disaster of all is that the Speranza is now stuck high and dry in the village: it was completely picked up from the quay by the tidal wave and crashed bow-first into a street that isn’t even half its width, and now it’s there, looking enormous in the small village, wedged forever, crushed at the narrow point like a fragile matchbox, a truly astonishing sight: its bow is forty feet up the street, ten feet above the ground at the stern, the rudder resting on the inner edge of the quay, the foremast leaning forward, the other two masts standing tall, and that bottom, which has sailed through so many seas, is buried in all kinds of green and brown seaweed, the old Speranza. Its steps were there, and with a slight jump, I was able to reach them beneath and climb up hand-over-hand until I found my footing; I did this at ten that night when most of the seawater had drained back from the land, although everything was still very marshy; she was there with me, and soon followed me onto the ship. I found that most things were shattered into tiny fragments, twisted, and unrecognizable; the house walls themselves shifted a bit at the narrow point, the bow of the cedar skiff crushed in the middle against the back starboard corner of the galley; and if it hadn’t been for the fact that the air-pinnace hadn’t broken free from its heavy ropes, and one of the compasses was still intact, I really don’t know what I would have done: because the four old waterlogged boats in the cove have completely vanished.

I made her sleep on the cabin-floor amid the débris of berth and everything, and I myself slept high up in the wood to the west. I am writing now lying in the long-grass the morning after, the sun rising, though I cannot see him. My plan for to-day is to cut three or four logs with the saw, lay them on the ground by the ship, lower the pinnace upon them, so get her gradually down into the water, and by evening bid a long farewell to Imbros, which drives me out in this way. Still, I look forward with pleasure to our hour's run to the Mainland, when I shall teach her to steer by the compass, and manipulate liquid-air, as I have taught her to dress, to talk, to cook, to write, to think, to live. For she is my creation, this creature: as it were, a 'rib from my side.'

I had her sleep on the cabin floor among the debris of the berth and everything, while I slept high up in the wood to the west. I'm writing now, lying in the tall grass the morning after, with the sun rising, even though I can't see it. My plan for today is to cut three or four logs with the saw, lay them on the ground next to the ship, and gently lower the pinnace onto them to get her gradually into the water. By evening, I'll say a long goodbye to Imbros, which is forcing me to leave like this. Still, I'm looking forward to our hour's journey to the mainland when I'll teach her to steer by the compass and work with liquid air, just as I've taught her to dress, talk, cook, write, think, and live. She's my creation, this being: in a way, a 'rib from my side.'

But what is the design of this expulsion? And what was it that she called it last night?—'this new going out flom Halan'! 'Haran,' I believe, being the place from which Abraham went out, when 'called' by God.

But what is the reason behind this expulsion? And what did she refer to it as last night?—'this new going out from Haran'! 'Haran,' I think, is the place Abraham left when he was 'called' by God.


We apparently felt only the tail of the earthquake at Imbros: for it has ravaged Turkey! And we two poor helpless creatures put down here in the theatre of all these infinite violences: it is too bad, too bad. For the rages of Nature at present are perfectly astonishing, and what it may come to I do not know. When we came to the Macedonian coast in good moonlight, we sailed along it, and up the Dardanelles, looking out for village, yali, or any habitation where we might put up: but everything has apparently been wrecked. We saw Kilid-Bahr, Chanak-Kaleh, Gallipoli, Lapsaki in ruins; at the last place I landed, leaving her in the boat, and walked a little way, but soon went back with the news that there was not even a bazaar-arch left standing whole, in most parts even the line of the streets being obliterated, for the place had fallen like a house of dice, and had then been shaken up and jumbled. Finally we slept in a forest on the other side of the strait, beyond Gallipoli, taking our few provisions, and having to wade at some points through morass a foot deep before we reached dry woodland.

We apparently only experienced the aftermath of the earthquake at Imbros: it has devastated Turkey! And here we are, two helpless souls caught in the midst of all this chaos: it’s truly terrible, truly terrible. The fury of Nature right now is absolutely shocking, and I can’t imagine what it might lead to. When we arrived on the Macedonian coast under the bright moonlight, we sailed along it and up the Dardanelles, searching for a village, a waterfront house, or any place where we could stay: but everything seems to have been destroyed. We saw Kilid-Bahr, Chanak-Kaleh, Gallipoli, and Lapsaki all in ruins; at the last place I landed, leaving her in the boat, I walked a little way but quickly returned with the news that not even a single bazaar arch was still standing, with most areas completely flattened, as if the town had collapsed like a house of cards and then been shaken and mixed up. Eventually, we slept in a forest on the other side of the strait, beyond Gallipoli, taking our limited supplies and having to wade through a foot-deep swamp at some points before we finally reached dry woodland.

Here, the next morning, I sat alone—for we had slept separated by at least half a mile—thinking out the question of whither I should go: my choice would have been to remain either in the region where I was, or to go Eastward: but the region where I was offered no dwelling that I could see; and to go any distance Eastward, I needed a ship. Of ships I had seen during the night only wrecks, nor did I know where to find one in all these latitudes. I was thus, like her 'Ablaham,' urged Westward.

Here, the next morning, I sat alone—for we had slept separated by at least half a mile—thinking about where I should go: I would have preferred to stay in the area I was in or head eastward. However, the place I was in had no visible shelter, and to travel any distance east, I needed a ship. The only ships I had seen during the night were wrecks, and I had no idea where to find one in this area. So, like her 'Ablaham,' I was pushed westward.

In order, then, to go Westward, I first went a little further Eastward, once more entered the Golden Horn, and once more mounted the scorched Seraglio steps. Here what the wickedness of man had spared, the wickedness of Nature had destroyed, and the few houses which I had left standing round the upper part of Pera I now saw low as the rest; also the house near the Suleimanieh, where we had lived our first days, to which I went as to a home, I found without a pillar standing; and that night she slept under the half-roof of a little funeral-kiosk in the scorched cypress-wood of Eyoub, and I a mile away, at the edge of the forest where first I saw her.

To head West, I first went a bit further East, re-entered the Golden Horn, and climbed the burned steps of the Seraglio again. Here, what human wickedness had spared, nature’s destruction had taken care of. The few houses I had left standing around the upper part of Pera were now as low as the rest; even the house by the Suleimanieh, where we had spent our early days and which I approached like it was home, stood without a single pillar left. That night, she slept under the half-roof of a small funeral kiosk in the charred cypress wood of Eyoub, while I was a mile away at the edge of the forest where I had first seen her.

The next morning, having met, as agreed, at the site of the Prophet's mosque, we traversed together the valley and cemetery of Kassim by the quagmires up to Pera, all the landscape having to me a rather twisted unfamiliar aspect. We had determined to spend the morning in searching for supplies among the earthquake-ruins of Pera; and as I had decided to collect sufficient in one day to save us further pains for some time, we passed a good many hours in this task, I confining myself to the great white house in the park overlooking Kassim, where I had once slept, losing myself in the huge obliquities of its floors, roofs and wall-fragments, she going to the old Mussulman quarter of Djianghir near, on the heights of Taxim, where were many shops, and thence round the brow of the hill to the great French Embassy-house, overlooking Foundoucli and the sea, both of us having large Persian carpet-bags, and all in the air of that wilderness of ruin that morning a sweet, strong, permanent odour of maple-blossom.

The next morning, we met as planned at the Prophet's mosque and made our way together through the valley and cemetery of Kassim by the muddy spots up to Pera, the whole area looking quite twisted and unfamiliar to me. We decided to spend the morning searching for supplies among the earthquake ruins of Pera. I aimed to gather enough in one day to spare us any more trouble for a while, so we spent several hours on this task. I stuck to the big white house in the park that overlooks Kassim, where I had once stayed, getting lost in the strange angles of its floors, roofs, and wall fragments. She went to the old Muslim quarter of Djianghir nearby, on the heights of Taxim, where there were many shops, and then around the edge of the hill to the grand French Embassy house, which looked out over Foundoucli and the sea. We both had large Persian carpet bags, and that morning there was a sweet, strong, persistent scent of maple blossoms in the air amid the wilderness of ruins.

We met toward evening, she quivering under such a load, that I would not let her carry it, but abandoned my day's labour, which was lighter, and took hers, which was quite enough: we went back Westward, seeking all the while some shelter from the saturating night-dews of this place: and nothing could we find, till we came again, quite late, to her broken funeral-kiosk at the entrance to the immense cemetery-avenue of Eyoub. There without a word I left her among the shattered catafalques, for I was weary; but having gone some distance, turned back, thinking that I might take some more raisins from the bag; and after getting them, said to her, shaking her little hand where she sat under the roof-shadow on a stone:

We met in the evening, and she was shaking under such a heavy load that I wouldn't let her carry it. I dropped my lighter work and took hers, which was plenty. We headed back West, constantly looking for some shelter from the soaking night dew in this place, but we couldn't find anything until we arrived, quite late, at her broken funeral kiosk at the entrance to the vast cemetery avenue of Eyoub. There, without saying a word, I left her among the shattered catafalques because I was tired. After walking a little way, I turned back, thinking I could grab some more raisins from the bag. Once I got them, I said to her, shaking her small hand as she sat under the roof shadow on a stone:

'Good-night, Clodagh.'

'Good night, Clodagh.'

She did not answer promptly: and her answer, to my surprise, was a protest against her name: for a rather sulky, yet gentle, voice came from the darkness, saying:

She didn't respond right away, and to my surprise, her response was a protest against her name. A somewhat sulky yet gentle voice came from the darkness, saying:

'I am not a Poisoner!'

'I am not a killer!'

'Well,' said I, 'all right: tell me whatever you like that I should call you, and henceforth I will call you that.'

'Well,' I said, 'okay: tell me whatever you want me to call you, and from now on, I’ll call you that.'

'Call me Eve,' says she.

"Call me Eve," she says.

'Well, no,' said I, 'not Eve, anything but that: for my name is Adam, and if I called you Eve, that would be simply absurd, and we do not want to be ridiculous in each other's eyes. But I will call you anything else that you like.'

'Well, no,' I said, 'not Eve, anything but that: for my name is Adam, and if I called you Eve, that would be completely ridiculous, and we don’t want to look foolish to each other. But I’ll call you anything else you want.'

'Call me Leda,' says she.

“Call me Leda,” she says.

'And why Leda?' said I.

'And why Leda?' I asked.

'Because Leda sounds something like Clodagh,' says she, 'and you are al-leady in the habit of calling me Clodagh; and I saw the name Leda in a book, and liked it: but Clodagh is most hollible, most bitterly hollible!'

'Because Leda sounds a bit like Clodagh,' she says, 'and you’re already used to calling me Clodagh; plus I saw the name Leda in a book and liked it. But Clodagh is really awful, just terribly awful!'

'Well, then,' said I, 'Leda it shall be, and I shan't forget, for I like it, too, and it suits you, and you ought to have a name beginning with an "L." Good-night, my dear, sleep well, and dream, dream.'

'Well, then,' I said, 'it will be Leda, and I won't forget it because I like it too, and it fits you, plus you should have a name that starts with an "L." Goodnight, my dear, sleep well, and dream, dream.'

'And to you, too, my God give dleams of peace and pleasantness,' says she; and I went.

'And to you, too, may God grant dreams of peace and happiness,' she says; and I went.

And it was only when I had lain myself upon leaves for my bed, my head on my caftan, a rill for my lullaby, and two stars, which alone I could see out of the heavenful, for my watch-lights; and only when my eyes were already closed toward slumber, that a sudden strong thought pierced and woke me: for I remembered that Leda was the name of a Greek woman who had borne twins. In fact, I should not be surprised if this Greek word Leda is the same word etymologically as the Hebrew Eve, for I have heard of v's, and b's, and d's interchanging about in this way, and if Di, meaning God, or Light, and Bi, meaning Life, and Iove, and Ihovah and God, meaning much the same, are all one, that would be nothing astonishing to me, as widow, and veuve, are one: and where it says, 'truly the Light is Good (tob, bon),' this is as if it said, 'truly the Di is Di.' Such, at any rate, is the fatality that attends me, even in the smallest things: for this Western Eve, or Greek Leda, had twins.

And it was only when I lay down on leaves for my bed, my head resting on my caftan, with a stream as my lullaby, and two stars, the only ones I could see in the sky, as my night lights; and only when my eyes were already closed and ready for sleep, that a sudden strong thought struck me awake: I remembered that Leda was the name of a Greek woman who had twins. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this Greek word Leda is etymologically connected to the Hebrew Eve, because I’ve heard about v's, b's, and d's changing places like that. And if Di, meaning God or Light, and Bi, meaning Life, and Iove, and Ihovah and God, which mean pretty much the same thing, are all related, that wouldn’t surprise me at all, just like widow and veuve are connected. And when it says, 'truly the Light is Good (tob, bon),' it’s like saying, 'truly the Di is Di.' That’s the strange fate that follows me, even in the smallest things: because this Western Eve, or Greek Leda, had twins.


Well, the next morning we crossed by the ruins of old Greek Phanar across the triple Stamboul-wall, which still showed its deep-ivied portal, and made our way, not without climbing, along the Golden Horn to the foot of the Old Seraglio, where I soon found signs of the railway. And that minute commenced our journey across Turkey, Bulgaria, Servia, Bosnia, Croatia, to Trieste, occupying no day or two as in old times, but four months, a long-drawn nightmare, though a nightmare of rich happiness, if one may say so, leaving on the memory a vague vast impression of monstrous ravines, ever-succeeding profundities, heights and greatnesses, jungles strange as some moon-struck poet's fantasy, everlasting glooms, and a sound of mighty unseen rivers, cataracts, and slow cumbered rills whose bulrushes never see the sun, with largesse everywhere, secrecies, profusions, the unimaginable, the unspeakable, a savagery most lush and fierce and gaudy, and vales of Arcadie, and remote mountain-peaks, and tarns shy as old-buried treasure, and glaciers, and we two human folk pretty small and drowned and lost in all that amplitude, yet moving always through it.

Well, the next morning we passed the ruins of the old Greek Phanar and crossed the triple Stamboul wall, which still showed its deep, ivy-covered entrance. We made our way, not without some climbing, along the Golden Horn to the foot of the Old Seraglio, where I quickly spotted signs of the railway. That moment began our journey through Turkey, Bulgaria, Serbia, Bosnia, and Croatia to Trieste, taking not just a day or two like in the past, but four months — a long, drawn-out nightmare, though a nightmare filled with rich happiness, if that makes sense. It left us with a vague yet vast memory of immense ravines, endless depths, towering heights and grandness, jungles as strange as a moon-struck poet's fantasy, eternal gloom, and the sound of powerful unseen rivers, waterfalls, and slow, heavy streams whose bulrushes never see the sun, with abundance everywhere, mysteries, plenty, the unimaginable, the unspeakable, a wildness lush, fierce, and colorful, alongside valleys of Arcadia, remote mountain peaks, and tarns shy like buried treasure, and glaciers, with the two of us feeling quite small and lost in all that vastness, yet always moving through it.

We followed the lines that first day till we came to a steam train, and I found the engine fairly good, and everything necessary to move it at my hand: but the metals in such a condition of twisted, broken, vaulted, and buried confusion, due to the earthquake, that, having run some hundreds of yards to examine them, I saw that nothing could be done in that way. At first this threw me into a condition like despair, for what we were to do I did not know: but after persevering on foot for four days along the deep-rusted track, which is of that large-gauge type peculiar to Eastern Europe, I began to see that there were considerable sound stretches, and took heart.

We followed the tracks that first day until we reached a steam train. I found the engine in pretty good shape, and everything I needed to move it was at hand. But the metal parts were all twisted, broken, warped, and buried in confusion from the earthquake. After running a few hundred yards to check them out, I realized nothing could be done that way. At first, this put me in a state of despair, as I had no idea what to do next. However, after persevering on foot for four days along the deeply rusted track, which is of that large-gauge type unique to Eastern Europe, I started to see that there were some solid stretches, and I gained hope.

I had with me land-charts and compass, but nothing for taking altitude-observations: for the Speranza instruments, except one compass, had all been broken-up by her shock. However, on getting to the town of Silivri, about thirty miles from our start, I saw in the ruins of a half-standing bazaar-shop a number of brass objects, and there found several good sextants, quadrants, and theodolites. Two mornings later, we came upon an engine in mid-country, with coals in it, and a stream near; I had a goat-skin of almond-oil in the bag, and found the machinery serviceable after an hour's careful inspection, having examined the boiler with a candle through the manhole, and removed the autoclaves of the heaters. All was red with rust, and the shaft of the connecting-rod in particular seemed so frail, that at one moment I was very dubious: I decided, however, and, except for a slight leakage at the tubulure which led the steam to the valve-chest, all went very well; at a pressure never exceeding three-and-a-half atmospheres, we travelled nearly a hundred and twenty miles before being stopped by a head-to-head block on the line, when we had to abandon our engine; we then continued another seven miles a-foot, I all the time mourning my motor, which I had had to leave at Imbros, and hoping at every townlet to find a whole one, but in vain.

I had land maps and a compass with me, but nothing for taking altitude readings; the Speranza instruments, except for one compass, had all been damaged by the impact. However, when we reached the town of Silivri, about thirty miles from where we started, I discovered a number of brass items in the ruins of a partially standing bazaar shop, where I found several usable sextants, quadrants, and theodolites. Two mornings later, we stumbled upon an engine in the countryside, still containing coal, and a nearby stream; I had a goat-skin bag of almond oil with me and, after an hour of careful inspection, found the machinery workable after checking the boiler with a candle through the manhole and removing the autoclaves from the heaters. Everything was covered in rust, and the shaft of the connecting rod looked so fragile that I was momentarily skeptical; however, I decided to go for it, and except for a slight leak at the tube leading to the valve chest, everything went smoothly. Operating at a pressure that never exceeded three-and-a-half atmospheres, we traveled nearly one hundred twenty miles before being halted by a train block, forcing us to abandon the engine. We then continued on foot for another seven miles, with me constantly lamenting the motor I had to leave behind at Imbros and hoping to find a complete one in each little town we passed, but to no avail.


It was wonderful to see the villages and towns going back to the earth, already invaded by vegetation, and hardly any longer breaking the continuity of pure Nature, the town now as much the country as the country, and that which is not-Man becoming all in all with a certain furore of vigour. A whole day in the southern gorges of the Balkan Mountains the slow train went tearing its way through many a mile of bind-weed tendrils, a continuous curtain, flaming with large flowers, but sombre as the falling shades of night, rather resembling jungles of Ceylon and the Filipinas; and she, that day, lying in the single car behind, where I had made her a little yatag-bed from Tatar Bazardjik, continually played the kittur, barely touching the strings, and crooning low, low, in her rich contralto, eternally the same air, over and over again, crooning, crooning, some melancholy tune of her own dreaming, just audible to me through the slow-travailing monotony of the engine; till I was drunken with so sweet a woe, my God, a woe that was sweet as life, and a dolour that lulled like nepenthe, and a grief that soothed like kisses, so sweet, so sweet, that all that world of wood and gloom lost locality and realness for me, and became nothing but a charmed and pensive Heaven for her to moan and lullaby in; and from between my fingers streamed plenteous tears that day, and all that I could keep on mourning was 'O Leda, O Leda, O Leda,' till my heart was near to break.

It was amazing to see the villages and towns returning to the earth, already taken over by plants, and hardly breaking the flow of pure Nature anymore. The town was as much part of the countryside as the countryside itself, and what isn't human was becoming everything, with a certain furore of energy. For a whole day, the slow train tore through the southern gorges of the Balkan Mountains, winding its way through miles of bindweed tendrils, a continuous curtain bursting with large flowers, yet dark like the fading shades of night, reminiscent of jungles in Ceylon and the Philippines. And she, that day, lying in the single car behind, where I had made her a little yatag-bed from Tatar Bazardjik, continually played the kittur, barely touching the strings, softly singing in her rich contralto, the same tune over and over again, some sad melody from her dreams, just audible to me through the slow, monotonous sound of the engine. I became intoxicated by such sweet sorrow, my God, a sorrow as sweet as life, a pain that comforted like a soothing balm, and a grief that calmed like gentle kisses—so sweet, so sweet, that all the woods and shadows around me lost their shape and reality, turning into nothing but a magical, reflective Heaven for her to moan and sing in; and from between my fingers flowed plentiful tears that day, and all I could keep mourning was 'O Leda, O Leda, O Leda,' until my heart felt like it was about to break.

The feed-pump eccentric-shaft of this engine, which was very poor and flaky, suddenly gave out about five in the afternoon, and I had to stop in a hurry, and that sweet invisible mechanism which had crooned and crooned about my ears in the air, and followed me whithersoever I went, stopped too. Down she jumped, calling out:

The feed-pump eccentric shaft of this engine, which was really worn and unreliable, suddenly failed around five in the afternoon, forcing me to stop quickly. That sweet, invisible mechanism that had hummed softly around my ears and followed me wherever I went stopped too. Down she jumped, calling out:

'Well, I had a plesentiment that something would happen, and I am so glad, for I was tired!'

'Well, I had a feeling that something was going to happen, and I'm really glad, because I was tired!'

Seeing that nothing could be done with the feed-water pump, I got down, took the bag, and parting before us the continuous screen, we went pioneering to the left between a rock-cleft, stepping over large stones that looked black with moss-growths, no sky, but hundreds of feet of impenetrable leafage overhead, and everywhere the dew-dabbled profusion of dim ferneries, dishevelled maidenhairs mixed with a large-leaved mimosa, wild vine, white briony, and a smell of cedar, and a soft rushing of perpetual waters that charmed the gloaming. The way led slightly upwards three hundred feet, and presently, after some windings, and the climbing of five huge steps almost regular, yet obviously natural, the gorge opened in a roundish space, fifty feet across, with far overhanging edges seven hundred feet high; and there, behind a curtain which fell from above, its tendrils defined and straight like a Japanese bead-hanging, we spread the store of foods, I opening the wines, fruits, vegetables and meats, she arranging them in order with the gold plate, and lighting both the spirit-lamp and the lantern: for here it was quite dark. Near us behind the curtain of tendrils was a small green cave in the rock, and at its mouth a pool two yards wide, a black and limpid water that leisurely wheeled, discharging a little rivulet from the cave: and in it I saw three owl-eyed fish, a finger long, loiter, and spur themselves, and gaze. Leda, who cannot be still in tongue or limb, chattered in her glib baby manner as we ate, and then, after smoking a cigarette, said that she would go and 'lun,' and went, and left me darkling, for she is the sun and the moon and the host of the stars, I occupying myself that night in making a calendar at the end of this book in which I have written, for my almanack and many things that I prized were lost with the palace—making a calendar, counting the days in my head—but counting them across my thoughts of her.

Seeing that nothing could be done with the feed-water pump, I climbed down, grabbed the bag, and parted the continuous screen in front of us as we went exploring to the left through a rock cleft, stepping over large stones covered in black moss. There was no sky above, just hundreds of feet of thick foliage, and all around us the dew-kissed abundance of dim ferns, disheveled maidenhair intertwined with broad-leaved mimosa, wild vine, white briony, and the scent of cedar, accompanied by the gentle rush of constant water that enchanted the twilight. The path ascended slightly for about three hundred feet, and soon, after some twists and climbing over five large, almost uniform steps that were clearly natural, the gorge opened into a rounded space about fifty feet across, with overhanging edges towering seven hundred feet high. There, behind a curtain that hung down from above, its tendrils straight and defined like a Japanese beaded curtain, we laid out our food. I opened the wines, fruits, vegetables, and meats, while she arranged them neatly on the gold plate and lit both the spirit lamp and the lantern, as it was quite dark there. Close to us, behind the curtain of tendrils, was a small green cave in the rock, and at its entrance was a two-yard-wide pool of clear black water that flowed gently, spilling a small stream from the cave. In it, I noticed three fish with big eyes, about a finger long, swimming lazily and watching. Leda, who can't stay still in mind or body, chattered in her lively, childlike way as we ate, and then after having a cigarette, she said she would go and 'lunch,' and left me in the dark, for she is the sun, the moon, and all the stars. That night, I kept myself busy making a calendar at the end of this book since my almanac and many things I cherished were lost with the palace—creating a calendar, counting the days in my head while thinking of her.

She came again to tell me good-night, and then went down to the train to sleep; and I put out the lantern, and stooped within the cave, and made my simple couch beside the little rivulet, and slept.

She came back to say goodnight and then went down to the train to sleep; I turned off the lantern, bent down into the cave, made my simple bed next to the little stream, and went to sleep.

But a fitful sleep, and soon again I woke; and a long time I lay so, gradually becoming conscious of a slow dripping at one spot in the cave: for at a minute's interval it darkly splashed, regularly, very deliberately; and it seemed to grow always louder and sadder, and the splash at first was 'Leesha,' but it became 'Leda' to my ears, and it sobbed her name, and I pitied myself, so sad was I. And when I could no longer bear the anguished melancholy of its spasm and its sobbing, I arose and went softly, softly, lest she should hear in that sounding silence of the hushed and darksome night, going more slow, more soft, as I went nearer, a sob in my throat, my feet leading me to her, till I touched the carriage. And against it a long time I leant my clammy brow, a sob aching in my poor throat, and she all mixed up in my head with the suspended hushed night, and with the elfin things in the air that made the silence so musically a-sound to the vacant ear-drum, and with the dripping splash in the cave. And softly I turned the door-handle, and heard her breathe in Asleep, her head near me; and I touched her hair with my lips, and close to her ear I said—for I heard her breathe as if in sleep—'Little Leda, I have come to you, for I could not help it, Leda: and oh, my heart is full of the love of you, for you are mine, and I am yours: and to live with you, till we die, and after we are dead to be near you still, Leda, with my broken heart near your heart, little Leda—'

But I kept tossing and turning, and soon woke up again; I lay there for a long time, slowly realizing I could hear a steady dripping in one part of the cave: it splashed darkly every minute, regularly and deliberately; and it seemed to grow louder and sadder over time. At first, the splash sounded like 'Leesha,' but it started to echo 'Leda' in my ears, sobbing her name, and I felt pity for myself, so sad was I. When I could no longer handle the deep sadness of the sound and its sobbing, I got up and moved quietly, carefully, so she wouldn't hear in the stillness of the dark night, going slower and softer as I got closer, a lump in my throat, my feet guiding me to her until I reached the carriage. I leaned my damp forehead against it for a long time, a sob aching in my chest, with her all tangled in my thoughts along with the quiet, still night, the magical things in the air that made the silence resonate in my ears, and the dripping sound in the cave. I gently turned the door handle and heard her breathing in her sleep, her head close to me; I brushed my lips against her hair and said softly near her ear—since I could hear her breathing as if she were asleep—'Little Leda, I’ve come to you because I couldn’t help it, Leda: oh, my heart is full of love for you, because you are mine, and I am yours: to live with you until we die, and even after death to be near you still, Leda, with my broken heart close to yours, little Leda—'

I must have sobbed, I think; for as I spoke close at her ears, with passionately dying eyes of love, I was startled by an irregularity in her breathing; and with cautious hurry I shut the door, and quite back to the cave I stole in haste.

I must have cried, I think; because as I spoke close to her ears, with eyes full of dying love, I was surprised by an irregularity in her breathing; and with careful urgency, I shut the door and quickly slipped back into the cave.

And the next morning when we met I thought—but am not now sure—that she smiled singularly: I thought so. She may, she may, have heard—But I cannot tell.

And the next morning when we met, I thought—but I'm not sure now—that she smiled in a unique way: I thought so. She might, she might, have heard—But I can't say.


Twice I was obliged to abandon engines on account of forest-tree obstructions right across the line, which, do what I might, I could not move, and these were the two bitterest incidents of the pilgrimage; and at least thirty times I changed from engine to engine, when other trains blocked. As for the extent of the earthquake, it is pretty certain that it was universal over the Peninsula, and at many points exhibited extreme violence, for up to the time that we entered upon Servian territory, we occasionally came upon stretches of the lines so dislocated, that it was impossible to proceed upon them, and during the whole course I never saw one intact house or castle; four times, where the way was of a nature to permit of it, I left the imbedded metals and made the engine travel the ground till I came upon other metals, when I always succeeded in driving it upon them. It was all very leisurely, for not everywhere, nor every day, could I get a nautical observation, and having at all times to go at low pressures for fear of tube and boiler weakness, crawling through tunnels, and stopping when total darkness came on, we did not go fast, nor much cared to. Once, moreover, for three days, and once for four, we were overtaken by hurricanes of such vast inclemency, that no thought of travelling entered our heads, our only care being to hide our poor cowering bodies as deeply and darkly as possible. Once I passed through a city (Adrianople) doubly devastated, once by the hellish arson of my own hand, and once by the earthquake: and I made haste to leave that place behind me.

Twice I had to abandon trains because trees were blocking the tracks, and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t move them. Those were the two hardest moments of the journey. I switched locomotives at least thirty times when other trains were in the way. As for the earthquake, it was pretty clear it impacted the entire Peninsula and caused significant destruction in many areas. Even before we crossed into Servia, we often found parts of the tracks so damaged that we couldn’t go on them. Throughout the entire trip, I never saw a single house or castle that wasn’t damaged. Four times, where the terrain allowed, I left the tracks and drove the train over the ground until I found new tracks, and I always managed to get back on them. It was all pretty slow-paced; I couldn’t always take navigational readings, and I had to keep the pressure low to avoid issues with the tubes and boiler. We crawled through tunnels and stopped when it got dark, so we didn’t move quickly and honestly didn’t mind that. Once, we were stuck for three days, and another time for four, caught in storms that were so severe that we weren’t thinking about traveling at all; we just wanted to find a dark, safe place to hide. I once passed through a city (Adrianople) that had been devastated twice, first by my own destructive actions and then by the earthquake, and I quickly wanted to get out of there.

Finally, three months and twenty-seven days from the date of the earthquake, having traversed only 900 odd English miles, I let go in the Venice lagoon, in the early morning of the 10th September, the lateen sail and stone anchor of a Maltese speronare, which I had found, and partially cleaned, at Trieste; and thence I passed up the Canalazzo in a gondola. For I said to Leda: 'In Venice will I pitch my Patriarch tent.'

Finally, three months and twenty-seven days after the earthquake, having traveled just about 900 English miles, I released the lateen sail and stone anchor of a Maltese speronare, which I had found and partly cleaned at Trieste, in the Venice lagoon early in the morning of September 10th; and then I made my way up the Canalazzo in a gondola. For I said to Leda: 'In Venice, I will set up my Patriarch tent.'

But to will and to do are not the same thing, and still further Westward was I driven. For the stagnant upper canals of this place are now mere miasmas of pestilence: and within two days I was rolling with fever in the Old Procurazie Palace, she standing in pale wonderment at my bed-side, sickness quite a novel thing to her: and, indeed, this was my first serious illness since my twentieth year or thereabouts, when I had over-worked my brain, and went a voyage to Constantinople. I could not move from bed for some weeks, but happily did not lose my senses, and she brought me the whole pharmacopoeia from the shops, from which to choose my medicines. I guessed the cause of this illness, though not a sign of it came near her, and as soon as my trembling knees could bear me, I again set out—always Westward—enjoying now a certain luxury in travelling compared with that Turkish difficulty, for here were no twisted metals, more and better engines, in the cities as many good petrol motors as I chose, and Nature markedly less savage.

But wanting to do something and actually doing it are not the same, and I was pushed further west. The stagnant upper canals of this place have become nothing but breeding grounds for disease; within two days, I was stuck in bed with a fever in the Old Procurazie Palace, while she stood by my bedside in pale wonder, sickness being quite a new experience for her. In fact, this was my first serious illness since I was around twenty, when I overworked my brain and went on a trip to Constantinople. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks, but thankfully I didn't lose my senses. She brought me every medicine from the shops to choose from. I figured out what caused this illness, even though she didn’t show any signs of it, and as soon as my shaky legs could support me, I set off again—still heading west—enjoying a certain comfort in traveling compared to the struggles I faced in Turkey, because there were no rough roads, more and better vehicles, and plenty of good petrol cars in the cities, with nature being noticeably less wild.

I do not know why I did not stop at Verona or Brescia, or some other neighbourhood of the Italian lakes, since I was fond of water: but I had, I think, the thought in my head to return to Vauclaire in France, where I had lived, and there live: for I thought that she might like those old monks. At all events, we did not remain long in any place till we came to Turin, where we spent nine days, she in the house opposite mine, and after that, at her own suggestion, went on still, passing by train into the valley of the Isère, and then into that of the Western Rhone, till we came to the old town of Geneva among some very great mountains peaked with snow, the town seated at the head of a long lake which the earth has made in the shape of the crescent moon, and like the moon it is a thing of much beauty and many moods, suggesting a creature under the spell of charms and magics. However, with this idea of Vauclaire still in my head, we left Geneva in the motor which had brought us at four in the afternoon of the 17th May, I intending to reach the town called Bourg that night about eight, and there sleep, so to go on to Lyons the next morning by train, and so, by the Bordeaux route, make Vauclaire. But by some chance for which I cannot to this hour account (unless the rain was the cause), I missed the chart-road, which should have been fairly level, and found myself on mountain tracks, unconscious of my whereabouts, while darkness fell, and a windless downpour that had a certain sullen venom in its superabundance drenched us. I stopped several times, looking about for château, chalet, or village, but none did I see, though I twice came upon railway lines; and not till midnight did we run down a rather steep pass upon the shore of a lake, which, from its apparent vastness in the moonless obscurity, I could only suppose to be the Lake of Geneva once again. About two hundred yards to the left we saw through the rain a large pile, apparently risen straight out of the lake, looking ghostly livid, for it was of white stone, not high, but an old thing of complicated white little turrets roofed with dark red candle extinguishers, and oddities of Gothic nooks, window slits, and outline, very like a fanciful picture. Round to this we went, drowned as rats, Leda sighing and bedraggled, and found a narrow spit of low land projecting into the lake, where we left the car, walked forward with the bag, crossed a small wooden drawbridge, and came upon a rocky island with a number of thick-foliaged trees about the castle. We quickly found a small open portal, and went throughout the place, quite gay at the shelter, everywhere lighting candles which we found in iron sconces in the rather queer apartments: so that, as the castle is far seen from the shores of the lake, it would have appeared to one looking thence a place suddenly possessed and haunted. We found beds, and slept: and the next day it turned out to be the antique Castle of Chillon, where we remained five long and happy months, till again, again, Fate overtook us.

I don't know why I didn't stop in Verona or Brescia, or somewhere near the Italian lakes since I love water. I think I had the idea in my mind to go back to Vauclaire in France, where I had lived and wanted to live again, believing she might like those old monks. In any case, we didn't stay long anywhere until we got to Turin, where we spent nine days—she stayed in the house opposite mine. After that, at her suggestion, we continued on by train into the Isère valley and then into the Western Rhône valley, until we reached the old town of Geneva, nestled among some tall snow-capped mountains. The town sits at the head of a long lake shaped like a crescent moon, and like the moon, it's beautiful and has many moods, resembling a creature enchanted by charms and magic. However, with the thought of Vauclaire still on my mind, we left Geneva in the car that had brought us at four in the afternoon on May 17th. I planned to reach the town called Bourg that night around eight and stay there, then head to Lyons by train the next morning, and from there, take the Bordeaux route to Vauclaire. But for some reason I still can't explain (unless it was due to the rain), I missed the main road, which should have been fairly level, and ended up on mountain tracks, lost in darkness as a windless downpour, which felt heavy and oppressive, soaked us. I stopped several times, looking for a château, chalet, or village, but I saw none, although I did come across railway tracks twice; it wasn't until midnight that we descended a steep pass by the shore of a lake, which in the moonless gloom appeared vast, and I could only assume it was Lake Geneva again. About two hundred yards to the left, through the rain, we spotted a large structure that seemed to rise straight out of the lake, looking ghostly pale because it was made of white stone—not tall, but an old building with intricate white turrets topped with dark red roofs, and odd Gothic features, like window slits and peculiar outlines, resembling a fanciful picture. We approached it, drenched, Leda looking sad and disheveled, and found a narrow stretch of low land jutting into the lake, where we left the car. We walked forward with our bags, crossed a small wooden drawbridge, and arrived at a rocky island surrounded by thickly foliaged trees around the castle. We quickly found a small open door and went inside, feeling cheerful for the shelter. Everywhere we lit candles we found in iron sconces in the rather strange rooms, so that from the shores of the lake, the castle would have looked like a suddenly possessed and haunted place. We found beds and slept, and the next day we discovered it was the ancient Castle of Chillon, where we stayed for five long and happy months, until once again, fate caught up with us.


The morning after our coming, we had breakfast—our last meal together—on the first floor in a pentagonal room approached from a lower level by three little steps. In it is a ponderous oak table pierced with a multitude of worm eaten tunnels, also three mighty high backed chairs, an old oak desk covered still with papers, arras on the walls, and three dark religious oil paintings, and a grandfathers clock: it is at about the middle of the château, and contains two small, but deep, three faced oriels, in each face four compartments with white stone shafts between, these looking south upon shrubs and the rocky edge of the island, then upon the deep blue lake, then upon another tiny island containing four trees in a jungle of flowers, then upon the shore of the lake interrupted by the mouths of a river which turned out to be the Rhone, then upon a white town on the slopes which turned out to be Villeneuve, then upon the great mountains back of Bouveret and St. Gingolph, all having the surprised air of a resurrection just completed, everything new washed in dyes of azure, ultramarine, indigo, snow, emerald, that fresh morning: so that one had to call it the best and holiest place in the world. These five old room walls, and oak floor, and two oriels, became specially mine, though it was really common ground to us both, and there I would do many little things. The papers on the desk told that it had been the bureau of one R.E. Gaud, 'Grand Bailli,' whose residence the place no doubt had been.

The morning after we arrived, we had breakfast—our last meal together—on the first floor in a pentagonal room accessed by three small steps. Inside, there was a heavy oak table full of worm-eaten tunnels, three tall-backed chairs, an old oak desk still covered with papers, tapestries on the walls, and three dark religious oil paintings, along with a grandfather clock. This room was roughly in the center of the château and featured two small, but deep, three-faced oriels, each with four sections separated by white stone columns. These offered views to the south of shrubs and the rocky edge of the island, then the deep blue lake, followed by another tiny island with four trees surrounded by a tangle of flowers, and then the shore of the lake, broken up by the mouths of a river that turned out to be the Rhône. Next was a white town on the slopes that we discovered was Villeneuve, then the grand mountains behind Bouveret and St. Gingolph, all looking as if they had just been brought back to life, everything freshly washed in shades of azure, ultramarine, indigo, white, and emerald that vibrant morning. It felt like the best and most sacred place in the world. These five old room walls, the oak floor, and two oriels felt especially like mine, even though they were truly shared space, and there I would do many little things. The papers on the desk indicated that it had been the bureau of one R.E. Gaud, 'Grand Bailli,' whose home this place had likely been.

She asked me while eating that morning to stay here, and I said that I would see, though with misgiving: so together we went all about the house, and finding it unexpectedly spacious, I consented to stop. At both ends are suites, mostly small rooms, infinitely quaint and cosy, furnished with heavy Henri Quatre furniture and bed draperies; and there are separate, and as it were secret, spiral stairs for exit to each: so we decided that she should have the suite overlooking the length of the lake, the mouths of the Rhone, Bouveret and Villeneuve; and I should have that overlooking the spit of land behind and the little drawbridge, shore cliffs, and elmwood which comes down to the shore, giving at one point a glimpse of the diminutive hamlet of Chillon; and, that decided, I took her hand in mine, and I said:

She asked me while we were eating that morning to stay here, and I said I would think about it, though I felt hesitant. So together we explored the house, and finding it unexpectedly spacious, I agreed to stay. At both ends, there are suites, mostly small rooms that are incredibly charming and cozy, furnished with heavy Henri Quatre furniture and bed curtains. There are also separate, almost hidden, spiral stairs leading out from each suite, so we decided she would have the suite that looked out over the length of the lake, the mouths of the Rhone, Bouveret, and Villeneuve, while I would take the one that overlooked the stretch of land behind and the little drawbridge, shore cliffs, and elm trees that come down to the shore, offering at one point a view of the tiny village of Chillon. Once that was settled, I took her hand in mine and said:

'Well, then, here we stay, both under the same roof—for the first time. Leda, I will not explain why to you, but it is dangerous, so much so that it may mean the death of one or other of us: deadly, deadly dangerous, my poor girl. You do not understand, but that is the fact, believe me, for I know it very well, and I would not tell you false. Well, then, you will easily comprehend, that this being so, you must never on any account come near my part of the house, nor will I come near yours. Lately we have been very much together, but then we have been active, full of purpose and occupation: here we shall be nothing of the kind, I can see. You do not understand at all—but things are so. We must live perfectly separate lives, then. You are nothing to me, really, nor I to you, only we live on the same earth, which is nothing at all—a mere chance. Your own food, clothes, and everything that you want, you will procure for yourself: it is perfectly easy: the shores are crowded with mansions, castles, towns and villages; and I will do the same for myself. The motor down there I set apart for your private use: if I want another, I will get one; and to-day I will set about looking you up a boat and fishing tackle, and cut a cross on the bow of yours, so that you may know yours, and never use mine. All this is very necessary: you cannot dream how much: but I know how much. Do not run any risks in climbing, now, or with the motor, or in the boat ... little Leda ...'

'Well, here we are, both under the same roof—for the first time. Leda, I won’t explain why, but it’s dangerous, so much so that it might lead to one of our deaths: it’s seriously dangerous, my poor girl. You don’t understand, but that’s the truth, trust me, I know it well, and I wouldn’t lie to you. So, you’ll understand that, given this situation, you must never come near my part of the house, and I won’t go near yours. Recently, we’ve been together a lot, but that was because we were busy, with purpose and focus: here, I see we won’t have that. You truly don’t get it—but that’s how things are. We have to live completely separate lives. You mean nothing to me, really, and I mean nothing to you; we just happen to be on the same earth, which is nothing at all—a mere coincidence. You’ll have to take care of your own food, clothes, and everything you need: it’s really easy; the shores are full of mansions, castles, towns, and villages; and I’ll do the same for myself. The motor down there is for your private use: if I need another, I’ll get one; and today, I’ll start looking for you a boat and fishing gear, and I’ll mark yours with a cross on the bow so you know it’s yours and never use mine. This is all very necessary: you can’t imagine how much, but I do. Please don’t take any risks climbing, or with the motor, or in the boat... little Leda...'

I saw her under-lip push, and I turned away in haste, for I did not care whether she cried or not. In that long voyage, and in my illness at Venice, she had become too near and dear to me, my tender love, my dear darling soul; and I said in my heart: 'I will be a decent being: I will turn out trumps.'

I saw her lower lip tremble, and I quickly looked away because I didn’t care if she cried or not. During that long journey and my time being sick in Venice, she had become too important to me, my sweet love, my precious soul; and I thought to myself: 'I will be a good person: I will do the right thing.'


Under this castle is a sort of dungeon, not narrow, nor very dark, in which are seven stout dark-grey pillars, and an eighth, half-built into the wall; and one of them which has an iron ring, as well as the ground around it, is all worn away by some prisoner or prisoners once chained there; and in the pillar the word 'Byron' engraved. This made me remember that a poet of that name had written something about this place, and two days afterwards I actually came upon three volumes of the poet in a room containing a great number of books, many of them English, near the Grand Bailli's bureau: and in one I read the poem, which is called 'The Prisoner of Chillon.' I found it very affecting, and the description good, only I saw no seven rings, and where he speaks of the 'pale and livid light,' he should speak rather of the dun and brownish gloom, for the word 'light' disconcerts the fancy, and of either pallor or blue there is there no sign. However, I was so struck by the horror of man's cruelty to man, as depicted in this poem, that I determined that she should see it; went up straight to her rooms with the book, and, she being away, ferreted among her things to see what she was doing, finding all very neat, except in one room where were a number of prints called La Mode, and débris of snipped cloth, and medley. When, after two hours, she came in, and I suddenly presented myself, 'Oh!' she let slip, and then fell to cooing her laugh; and I took her down through a big room stacked with every kind of rifle, with revolvers, cartridges, powder, swords, bayonets—evidently some official or cantonal magazine—and then showed her the worn stone in the dungeon, the ring, the narrow deep slits in the wall, and I told the tale of cruelty, while the splashing of the lake upon the rock outside was heard with a strange and tragic sound, and her mobile face was all one sorrow.

Under this castle is a kind of dungeon, not cramped or very dark, featuring seven sturdy dark-grey pillars, with an eighth one partially built into the wall. One of the pillars has an iron ring, and the ground around it is all worn down by some prisoner or prisoners who were once chained there. The name 'Byron' is engraved on that pillar. This reminded me that a poet with that name had written something about this place, and two days later I actually found three volumes of his poetry in a room filled with many books, a lot of them English, near the Grand Bailli's bureau: in one of them, I read the poem titled 'The Prisoner of Chillon.' I found it quite moving, and the description was good, but I didn’t see seven rings, and where he talks about the 'pale and livid light,' he should have referred more to the dull and brownish gloom, because the word 'light' throws off the imagination, and there's no sign of either paleness or any blue there. Still, I was so struck by the horror of man's cruelty to man, as depicted in this poem, that I decided she should see it; I went straight to her rooms with the book, and since she wasn’t there, I rummaged through her things to see what she was up to, finding everything very tidy, except in one room where there were a bunch of prints called La Mode, and scraps of snipped cloth and other bits. When, after two hours, she came in, and I suddenly appeared, 'Oh!' she exclaimed, then started laughing; I took her down through a big room filled with all kinds of rifles, revolvers, cartridges, powder, swords, and bayonets—clearly some official or local armory—and then showed her the worn stone in the dungeon, the ring, the narrow deep slits in the wall, and I told the story of cruelty as the splashing of the lake against the rock outside created a strange and tragic sound, and her expressive face was filled with sorrow.

'How cruel they must have been!' cries she with tremulous lip, her face at the same time reddened with indignation.

'How cruel they must have been!' she cries, her lips trembling and her face flushed with anger.

'They were mere beastly monsters,' said I: 'it is nothing surprising if monsters were cruel.'

'They were just savage monsters,' I said: 'it's not surprising that monsters can be cruel.'

And in the short time while I said that, she was looking up with a new-born smile.

And in the brief moment while I said that, she was looking up with a brand-new smile.

'Some others came and set the plisoner flee!' cries she.

'Some others came and set the prisoner free!' she cries.

'Yes,' said I, 'they did, but—'

'Yeah,' I said, 'they did, but—'

'That was good of them,' says she.

"That was nice of them," she says.

'Yes,' said I, 'that was all right, so far as it went.'

'Yeah,' I said, 'that was fine, as far as it went.'

'And it was a time when men had al-leady become cluel,' says she: 'if those who set him flee were so good when all the lest were cluel, what would they have been at a time when all the lest were kind? They would have been just like Angels....!'

'And it was a time when people had already become cruel,' she says: 'if those who set him free were so good when everyone else was cruel, what would they have been like in a time when everyone else was kind? They would have been just like Angels....!'


At this place fishing, and long rambles, were the order of the day, both for her and for me, especially fishing, though a week rarely passed which did not find me at Bouveret, St. Gingolph, Yvoire, Messery, Nyon, Ouchy, Vevay, Montreux, Geneva, or one of the two dozen villages, townlets, or towns, that crowd the shores, all very pretty places, each with its charm, and mostly I went on foot, though the railway runs right round the forty odd miles of the lake's length. One noon-day I was walking through the main-street of Vevay going on to the Cully-road when I had a fearful shock, for in a shop just in front of me to the right I heard a sound—an unmistakable indication of life—as of clattering metals shaken together. My heart leapt into my mouth, I was conscious of becoming bloodlessly pale, and on tip-toe of exquisite caution I stole up to the open door—peeped in—and it was she standing on the counter of a jeweller's shop, her back turned to me, with head bent low over a tray of jewels in her hands, which she was rummaging for something. I went 'Hoh!' for I could not help it, and all that day, till sunset, we were very dear friends, for I could not part from her, we walking together by vor-alpen, wood, and shore all the way to Ouchy, she just like a creature crazy that day with the bliss of living, rolling in grasses and perilous flowery declines, stamping her foot defiantly at me, arrogant queen that she is, and then running like mad for me to catch her, with laughter, abandon, carolling railleries, and the levity of the wild ass's colt on the hills, entangling her loose-flung hair with Bacchic tendril and blossom, and drinking, in the passage through Cully, more wine, I thought, than was good: and the flaming darts of lightning that shot and shocked me that day, and the inner secret gleams and revelations of Beauty which I had, and the pangs of white-hot honey that tortured my soul and body, and were too much for me, and made me sick, oh Heaven, what tongue could express all that deep world of things? And at Ouchy with a backward wave of my arm I silently motioned her from me, for I was dumb, and weak, and I left her there: and all that long night her power was upon me, for she is stronger than gravitation, which may be evaded, and than all the forces of life combined, and the sun and the moon and the earth are nothing compared with her; and when she was gone from me I was like a fish in the air, or like a bird in the deep, for she is my element of life, made for me to breathe in, and I drown without her: so that for many hours I lay on that grassy hill leading to the burial-ground outside Ouchy that night, like a man sore wounded, biting the grass.

At this spot, fishing and long walks were what we did every day, especially fishing. Yet, there wasn’t a week that went by without me visiting Bouveret, St. Gingolph, Yvoire, Messery, Nyon, Ouchy, Vevay, Montreux, Geneva, or one of the two dozen charming villages and towns that line the shores. I mostly traveled on foot, even though a train runs all the way around the lake’s forty-odd miles. One afternoon, while I was walking through the main street of Vevay heading to the Cully road, I was completely stunned. In a shop right in front of me to the right, I heard something—an unmistakable sign of life—like the clanging of metal. My heart raced, I felt myself go pale, and on tiptoe, I cautiously approached the open door and peered inside. There she was, standing on the counter in a jewelry shop, her back to me, leaning over a tray of jewels, searching for something. I gasped, unable to help myself, and for the rest of that day, until sunset, we were the closest of friends. I couldn’t part from her as we walked together through the woods and along the shore all the way to Ouchy. She seemed almost crazily joyful that day, rolling in the grass and bounding down flower-covered hills, playfully stamping her foot at me like an arrogant queen, then darting away for me to catch her, laughing with wild abandon, teasing, her hair flowing and catching in the flowers. While passing through Cully, we drank what felt like more wine than was wise. The electric moments that struck me that day, along with the deep, beautiful revelations I experienced, and the sweet, painful emotions that overwhelmed my body and soul were almost too much to bear—oh, how can I convey all that complexity? At Ouchy, with a quiet wave of my arm, I signaled her to go, as I was speechless and weak, leaving her behind. That entire night, her presence lingered with me, stronger than gravity—something you can escape—and greater than all the forces of life combined. The sun, moon, and Earth pale in comparison to her; when she was away, I felt like a fish out of water or a bird trapped underwater because she is my essence, the air I breathe, and I drown without her. So, I lay on that grassy hill leading to the cemetery outside Ouchy that night, like a man deeply wounded, biting the grass.

What made things worse for me was her adoption of European clothes since coming to this place: I believe that, in her adroit way, she herself made some of her dresses, for one day I saw in her apartments a number of coloured fashion-plates, with a confusion like dress-making; or she may have been only modifying finished things from the shops, for her Western dressing is not quite like what I remember of the modern female style, but is really, I should say, quite her own, rather resembling the Greek, or the eighteenth century. At any rate, the airs and graces are as natural to her as feathers to parrots; and she has changes like the moon; never twice the same, and always transcending her last phase and revelation: for I could not have conceived of anyone in whom taste was a faculty so separate as in her, so positive and salient, like smelling or sight—more like smelling: for it is the faculty, half Reason, half Imagination, by which she fore-scents precisely what will suit exquisitely with what; so that every time I saw her, I received the impression of a perfectly novel, completely bewitching, work of Art: the special quality of works of Art being to produce the momentary conviction that anything else whatever could not possibly be so good.

What made things worse for me was her choice of European clothes since moving here: I believe that, in her clever way, she even made some of her dresses herself, because one day I saw several colorful fashion plates in her room, looking like a dress-making project; or she might have just been altering ready-made items from the store, since her Western style isn’t quite like what I remember of modern women's fashion, but is really, I must say, entirely her own, resembling something more Greek or from the eighteenth century. In any case, her charm and elegance come to her as naturally as feathers do to parrots; and she changes like the moon—never the same twice, always surpassing her last look and revelation: I couldn't have imagined anyone with a sense of taste so uniquely hers, so strong and striking, almost like a sense of smell or sight—more like smelling: because it’s the ability, part Reason and part Imagination, through which she instinctively knows what will match perfectly with what; so that every time I saw her, I felt like I was experiencing a completely new, utterly captivating work of Art: the unique quality of Art is to create a fleeting belief that nothing else could ever be as good.

Occasionally, from my window I would see her in the wood beyond the drawbridge, cool and white in green shade, with her Bible probably, training her skirt like a court-lady, and looking much taller than before. I believe that this new dressing produced a separation between us more complete than it might have been; and especially after that day between Vevay and Ouchy I was very careful not to meet her. The more I saw that she bejewelled herself, powdered herself, embalmed herself like sachets of sweet scents, chapleted her Greek-dressed head with gold fillets, the more I shunned her. Myself, somehow, had now resumed European dress, and, ah me, I was greatly changed, greatly changed, God knows, from the portly inflated monarch-creature that strutted and groaned four years previously in the palace at Imbros: so that my manner of life and thought might once more now have been called modern and Western.

Occasionally, from my window, I would see her in the woods beyond the drawbridge, cool and white in the green shade, probably with her Bible, training her skirt like a lady at court, and looking much taller than before. I believe that this new way of dressing created a separation between us that was more complete than it might have been; especially after that day between Vevay and Ouchy, I was very careful not to run into her. The more I saw her adorn herself, apply powder, and perfume herself like bags of sweet scents, and crown her Greek-dressed head with gold fillets, the more I avoided her. As for me, I had somehow gone back to wearing European clothes, and, oh, I had changed so much, changed so much, God knows, from the portly, inflated, monarch-like creature that strutted and groaned four years earlier in the palace at Imbros: so much so that my way of life and thought could now once again be called modern and Western.

All the more was my sense of responsibility awful: and from day to day it seemed to intensify. An arguing Voice never ceased to remonstrate within me, nor left me peace, and the curse of unborn hosts appeared to menace me. To strengthen my fixity I would often overwhelm myself, and her, with muttered opprobriums, calling myself 'convict,' her 'lady-bird'; asking what manner of man was I that I should dare so great a thing; and as for her, what was she to be the Mother of a world?—a versatile butterfly with a woman's brow! And continually now in my fiercer moods I was meditating either my death—or hers.

All the more intense was my sense of responsibility, and each day it seemed to grow stronger. An arguing voice inside me wouldn’t stop complaining and kept me restless, as if the curse of countless unborn souls threatened me. To solidify my determination, I often overwhelmed both myself and her with harsh insults, calling myself a 'criminal' and her a 'ladybird'; I wondered what kind of man I was to attempt such a monumental thing; and as for her, how could she possibly be the mother of a world—a flashy butterfly with a woman's brow! And now, in my more extreme moments, I found myself contemplating either my own death—or hers.

Ah, but the butterfly did not let me forget her brow! To the south-west of Villeneuve, between the forest and the river is a well-grown gentian field, and returning from round St. Gingolph to the Château one day in the third month after an absence of three days, I saw, as I turned a corner in the descent of the mountain, some object floating in the air above the field. Never was I more startled, and, above all, perplexed: for, beside the object soaring there like a great butterfly, I could see nothing to account for it. It was not long, however, before I came to the conclusion that she has re-invented the kite—for she had almost certainly never seen one—and I presently sighted her holding the string in the midfield. Her invention resembles the kind called 'swallow-tail' of old.

Ah, but the butterfly didn't let me forget her brow! To the southwest of Villeneuve, between the forest and the river, there's a lush field of gentians. One day, returning from around St. Gingolph to the Château, three days after my absence in the third month, I saw something floating in the air above the field as I turned a corner descending the mountain. I was taken aback and, above all, confused: because beside this object soaring like a giant butterfly, I couldn’t see anything that could explain it. However, it didn't take long for me to conclude that she had re-invented the kite—since she had most likely never seen one—and I soon spotted her holding the string in the middle of the field. Her invention looked similar to the type called 'swallow-tail' from long ago.


But mostly it was on the lake that I saw her, for there we chiefly lived, and occasionally there were guilty approaches and rencontres, she in her boat, I in mine, both being slight clinker-built Montreux pleasure-boats, which I had spent some days in overhauling and varnishing, mine with jib, fore-and-aft mainsail, and spanker, hers rather smaller, one-masted, with an easy-running lug-sail. It was no uncommon thing for me to sail quite to Geneva, and come back from a seven-days' cruise with my soul filled and consoled with the lake and all its many moods of bright and darksome, serene and pensive, dolorous and despairing and tragic, at morning, at noon, at sunset, at midnight, a panorama that never for an instant ceased to unroll its transformations, I sometimes climbing the mountains as high as the goat-herd region of hoch-alpen, once sleeping there. And once I was made very ill by a two-weeks' horror which I had: for she disappeared in her skiff, I being at the Château, and she did not come back; and while she was away there was a tempest that turned the lake into an angry ocean, and, ah my good God, she did not come. At last, half-crazy at the vacant days of misery which went by and by, and she did not come, I set out upon a wild-goose quest, of her—of all the hopeless things the most hopeless, for the world is great—and I sought and did not find her; and after three days I turned back, recognising that I was mad to search the infinite, and coming near the Château, I saw her wave her handkerchief from the island-edge, for she divined that I had gone to seek her, and she was watching for me: and when I took her hand, what did she say to me, the Biblical simpleton?—'Oh you of little Faith!' says she. And she had adventures to lisp, with all the r's liquefied into l's, and I was with her all that day again.

But mostly it was on the lake that I saw her, since that’s where we mainly lived. Occasionally, there were guilty approaches and rencontres, her in her boat and me in mine. Both were slight clinker-built Montreux pleasure boats that I had spent a few days working on and varnishing—mine with a jib, a fore-and-aft mainsail, and a spanker; hers a bit smaller, one-masted, with a smooth-running lug sail. It wasn’t unusual for me to sail all the way to Geneva and return from a week’s cruise, my soul filled and comforted by the lake’s many moods—bright and dark, serene and thoughtful, sorrowful and despairing, and tragic—at morning, noon, sunset, and midnight. It was a panorama that never stopped rolling through its transformations. Sometimes I climbed the mountains as high as the goat-herd region of the hoch-alpen and once even slept there. But once I fell seriously ill from a two-week ordeal: she disappeared in her skiff while I was at the Château, and she didn’t come back. While she was gone, a storm turned the lake into an angry ocean, and, oh my God, she didn’t return. At last, I was half-crazy from the empty days of misery that dragged on, so I went on a wild-goose chase to find her—one of the most hopeless quests ever, because the world is vast—and I searched but didn’t find her. After three days, I turned back, realizing I was mad to search the endless expanse. When I got close to the Château, I saw her waving her handkerchief from the edge of the island, as she sensed I had gone to look for her and was waiting for me. When I took her hand, what did she say to me, the Biblical simpleton?—'Oh you of little Faith!' she said. And she had stories to share, with all her r's turning into l's, and I spent that whole day with her again.

Once a month perhaps she would knock at my outermost door, which I mostly kept locked when at home, bringing me a sumptuously-dressed, highly-spiced red trout or grayling, which I had not the heart to refuse, and exquisitely she does them, all hot and spiced, applying apparently to their preparation the taste which she applies to dress; and her extraordinary luck in angling did not fail to supply her with the finest specimens, though, for that matter, this lake, with its old fish-hatcheries and fish-ladders, is not miserly in that way, swarming now with the best lake trout, river trout, red trout, and with salmon, of which last I have brought in one with the landing-net of, I should say, thirty-five to forty pounds. As the bottom goes off very rapidly from the two islands to a depth of eight to nine hundred feet, we did not long confine ourselves to bottom-fishing, but gradually advanced to every variety of manoeuvre, doing middle-water spinning with three-triangle flights and sliding lip-hook for jack and trout, trailing with the sail for salmon, live-baiting with the float for pike, daping with blue-bottles, casting with artificial flies, and I could not say in which she became the most carelessly adept, for all soon seemed as old and natural to her as an occupation learned from birth.

Once a month, she would knock on my outer door, which I mostly kept locked when I was home, bringing me a beautifully dressed, highly spiced red trout or grayling, which I couldn't bring myself to refuse. She prepared them exquisitely, serving them hot and spicy, applying the same taste to their cooking as she did to her outfits. Her incredible luck in fishing consistently provided her with the best catches, and this lake, with its old fish hatcheries and fish ladders, isn’t stingy either, teeming with the finest lake trout, river trout, red trout, and salmon. I once caught a salmon with the landing net that weighed around thirty-five to forty pounds. Since the bottom drops off steeply from the two islands to a depth of eight to nine hundred feet, we didn’t stick to bottom fishing for long and gradually tried every type of technique: middle-water spinning with three-triangle flights and sliding lip-hooks for jack and trout, trailing with the sail for salmon, live-baiting with a float for pike, dapping with blue-bottles, and casting with artificial flies. I couldn't say in which technique she became the most effortlessly skilled, as everything seemed so natural to her, like an activity learned from birth.


On the 21st October I attained my forty-sixth birthday in excellent health: a day destined to end for me in bloodshed and tragedy, alas. I forget now what circumstance had caused me to mention the date long beforehand in, I think, Venice, not dreaming that she would keep any count of it, nor was I even sure that my calendar was not faulty by a day. But at ten in the morning of what I called the 21st, descending by my private spiral in flannels with some trout and par bait, and tackle—I met her coming up, my God, though she had no earthly right to be there. With her cooing murmur of a laugh, yet pale, pale, and with a most guilty look, she presented me a large bouquet of wild flowers.

On October 21st, I celebrated my forty-sixth birthday in great health: a day that would tragically end in violence for me, unfortunately. I can’t recall what prompted me to mention the date ahead of time, possibly in Venice, not expecting her to keep track of it, nor was I even certain that my calendar wasn't off by a day. But at ten in the morning of what I referred to as the 21st, as I was coming down my private staircase in sweatpants with some trout and bait and tackle, I encountered her coming up, my God, even though she had no reason to be there. With her soft, cooing laugh, yet looking pale and guilty, she handed me a large bouquet of wildflowers.

I was at once thrown into a state of great agitation. She was dressed in rather a frippery of mousseline de soie, all cream-laced, with wide-hanging short sleeves, a large diamond at the low open neck, the ivory-brown skin there contrasting with the powdered bluish-white of her face, where, however, the freckles were not quite whited out; on her feet little pink satin slippers, without any stockings—a divinely pale pink; and well back on her hair a plain thin circlet of gold; and she smelled like heaven, God knows.

I was immediately thrown into a state of great agitation. She was dressed in a rather fancy outfit of mousseline de soie, all cream with lace, featuring wide short sleeves and a large diamond at the low neckline. Her ivory-brown skin contrasted with the powdered bluish-white of her face, where some freckles still showed through; on her feet were little pink satin slippers with no stockings—a perfectly pale pink; and a simple thin gold circlet sat back in her hair; and she smelled like heaven, God knows.

I could not speak. She broke an awkward silence, saying, very faint and pallid:

I couldn't say anything. She broke the uncomfortable silence, saying, in a very soft and pale voice:

'It is the day!'

"It's the day!"

'I—perhaps—' I said, or some incoherency like that.

'I—maybe—' I said, or something like that.

I saw the touch of enthusiasm which she had summoned up quenched by my manner.

I noticed the spark of enthusiasm she had mustered getting stifled by my attitude.

'I have not done long again?' she asked, looking down, breaking another silence.

'I haven't taken too long again?' she asked, looking down, breaking another silence.

'No, no, oh no,' said I hurriedly: 'not done wrong again. Only, I could not suppose that you would count up the days. You are ... considerate. Perhaps—but—'

'No, no, oh no,' I said quickly: 'not messed up again. It's just that I couldn't imagine you would keep track of the days. You are ... thoughtful. Maybe—but—'

'Tell Leda?'

'Should I tell Leda?'

'Perhaps.... I was going to say ... you might come fishing with me....'

'Maybe.... I was going to say ... you could come fishing with me....'

'O luck!' she went softly.

"Oh luck!" she whispered.

I was pierced by a sense of my base cowardice, my incredible weakness: but I could not at all help it.

I was hit by the realization of my own cowardice and my immense weakness, but I just couldn’t help it.

I took the flowers, and we went down to the south side, where my boat lay; I threw out some of the fish from the well; arranged the tackle, and then the stern cushions for her; got up the sails; and out we went, she steering, I in the bows, with every possible inch of space between us, receiving delicious intermittent whiffs from her of ambergris, frangipane, or some blending of perfumes, the morning being bright and hot, with very little breeze on the water, which looked mottled, like colourless water imperfectly mixed with indigo-wash, we making little headway; so it was some time before I moved nearer her to get the par for fixing on the three-triangle flight, for I was going to trail for salmon or large lake-trout; and during all that time we spoke not a word together.

I grabbed the flowers, and we headed to the south side where my boat was. I tossed some fish from the well, set up the tackle, arranged the cushions in the stern for her, raised the sails, and off we went—she was steering while I sat in the bow, keeping as much distance between us as possible. I caught occasional, delightful whiffs of her perfume, which smelled of ambergris, frangipane, or a mix of fragrances. The morning was bright and hot, with barely any breeze on the water, which looked mottled like colorless liquid mixed imperfectly with indigo. We were making little progress, so it took a while before I moved closer to her to grab the gear for the three-triangle flight since I was planning to fish for salmon or big lake-trout. During all that time, we didn’t say a word to each other.

Afterwards I said:

Then I said:

'Who told you that flowers are proper to birthdays? or that birthdays are of any importance?'

'Who told you that flowers are meant for birthdays? Or that birthdays even matter?'

'I suppose that nothing can happen so important as birth,' says she: 'and perfumes must be ploper to birth, because the wise men blought spices to the young Jesus.'

'I guess nothing is as important as birth,' she says. 'And perfumes must be fitting for birth, because the wise men brought spices to the young Jesus.'

This naïveté was the cause of my immediate recovery: for to laugh is to be saved: and I laughed right out, saying:

This naïveté was the reason for my quick recovery: because laughing means being saved: and I laughed out loud, saying:

'But you read the Bible too much! all your notions are biblical. You should read the quite modern books.'

'But you read the Bible too much! All your ideas are biblical. You should check out some more modern books.'

'I have tlied,' says she: 'but I cannot lead them long, nor often. The whole world seems to have got so collupted. It makes me shudder.'

'I have tried,' she says, 'but I can't guide them for very long or very often. The whole world seems to have become so corrupt. It makes me shudder.'

'Ah, well now, you see, you quite come round to my point of view,' said I.

'Ah, well now, you see, you really see things from my perspective,' I said.

'Yes, and no,' says she: 'they had got so spoiled, that is all. Everlybody seems to have become quite dull-witted—the plainest tluths they could not see. I can imagine that those faculties which aided them in their stlain to become lich themselves, and make the lest more poor, must have been gleatly sharpened, while all the other faculties withered: as I can imagine a person with one eye seeing double thlough it, and quite blind on the other side.'

'Yes and no,' she says. 'They’ve gotten so spoiled, that’s all. Everyone seems to have become really dull-witted—they can’t even see the simplest truths. I can imagine that the skills that helped them in their quest to become rich themselves and make the rest more poor must have become greatly enhanced, while all their other abilities have faded away; it’s like a person with one eye seeing double through it and being completely blind on the other side.'

'Ah,' said I, 'I do not think they even wanted to see on the other side. There were some few tolerably good and clear-sighted ones among them, you know: and these all agreed in pointing out how, by changing one or two of their old man-in-the-moon Bedlam arrangements, they could greatly better themselves: but they heard with listless ears: I don't know that they ever made any considerable effort. For they had become more or less unconscious of their misery, so miserable were they: like the man in Byron's "Prisoner of Chillon," who, when his deliverers came, was quite indifferent, for he says:

'Ah,' I said, 'I don’t think they even wanted to see what was beyond. There were a few reasonably clear-headed ones among them, you know: and they all agreed that by making one or two changes to their old, chaotic ways, they could really improve their lives. But they listened with indifferent ears: I don’t think they ever made any real effort. They had become somewhat numb to their suffering, so miserable were they: like the man in Byron's "Prisoner of Chillon," who, when his rescuers arrived, was completely unconcerned, because he says:

"It was at length the same to me
Fettered or fetterless to be:
    I had learned to love Despair."'

"It finally didn’t matter to me
Whether I was bound or free:
    I had come to love Despair."

'Oh my God,' she went, covering her face a moment, 'how dleadful! And it is tlue, it seems tlue:—they had learned to love Despair, to be even ploud of Despair. Yet all the time, I feel sure flom what I have lead, flom what I scent, that the individual man was stluggling to see, to live light, but without power, like one's leg when it is asleep: that is so pletty of them all! that they meant well—everly one. But they were too tloubled and sad, too awfully burdened: they had no chance at all. Such a queer, unnatulal feeling it gives me to lead of all that world: I can't desclibe it; all their motives seem so tainted, their life so lopsided. Tluely, the whole head was sick, and the whole heart faint.'

"Oh my God," she said, covering her face for a moment, "how dreadful! And it is true, it seems true: they had learned to love Despair, even to be proud of Despair. Yet all the time, I feel sure from what I've read, from what I sense, that the individual man was struggling to see, to live in the light, but without power, like a leg when it falls asleep: that's so sad for them all! They meant well—every one of them. But they were too troubled and sad, too weighed down: they had no chance at all. Such a strange, unnatural feeling it gives me to read about that world: I can’t describe it; all their motives seem so tainted, their lives so lopsided. Truly, the whole head was sick, and the whole heart faint."

'Quite so,' said I: 'and observe that this was no new thing: in the very beginning of the Book we read how God saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and every imagination of his heart evil....'

'That's right,' I said: 'and notice that this isn't something new: right at the beginning of the Book, we read how God saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and every imagination of his heart was evil....'

'Yes,' she interrupted, 'that is tlue: but there must have been some cause! We can be quite sure that it was not natulal, because you and I are men, and our hearts are not evil.'

'Yes,' she interrupted, 'that's true: but there must have been some cause! We can be quite sure that it wasn't natural, because you and I are men, and our hearts aren't evil.'

This was her great argument which she always trotted out, because she found that I had usually no answer to give to it. But this time I said:

This was her main point that she always brought up, because she realized that I usually had no response to it. But this time I said:

'Our hearts not evil? Say yours: but as to mine you know nothing, Leda.'

'Are our hearts really evil? You say yours isn't, but you know nothing about mine, Leda.'

The semicircles under her eyes had that morning, as often, a certain moist, heavy, pensive and weary something, as of one fresh from a revel, very sweet and tender: and, looking softly at me with it, she answered:

The semi-circles under her eyes that morning, as usual, had a moist, heavy, thoughtful, and tired look, like someone who had just come from a party, very sweet and gentle: and, looking at me softly with that expression, she replied:

'I know my own heart, and it is not evil: not at all: not even in the very least: and I know yours, too.'

'I know my own heart, and it isn't evil: not at all: not even a little bit: and I know yours, too.'

'You know mine!' cried I, with a half-laugh of surprise.

'You know mine!' I exclaimed, half-laughing in surprise.

'Quite well,' says she.

"Pretty good," she says.

I was so troubled by this cool assurance, that I said not a word, but going to her, handed her the baited flight, swivel-trace, and line, which she paid out; then I got back again almost into the bows.

I was so disturbed by this calm confidence that I didn’t say anything. Instead, I went over to her and handed her the baited hook, swivel trace, and line, which she let out; then I almost moved back to the front of the boat.

After a ten-minutes I spoke again:

After ten minutes, I spoke again:

'So this is news to me: you know all about my heart. Well, come, tell me what is in it!'

'So this is news to me: you know all about my heart. Well, come on, tell me what's in it!'

Now she was silent, pretending to be busy with the trail, till she said, speaking with low-bent face, and a voice that I could only just hear:

Now she was quiet, acting like she was focused on the trail, until she finally spoke with her head down, in a voice that I could barely hear:

'I will tell you what is in it: in it is a lebellion which you think good, but is not good. If a stleam will just flow, neither tlying to climb upward, nor over-flowing its banks, but lunning modestly in its fated channel just wherever it is led, then it will finally leach the sea—the mighty ocean—and lose itself in fulness.'

'I will tell you what it contains: it holds a rebellion that you think is good, but it isn't. If a stream flows freely, neither trying to rise upward nor overflowing its banks, but running modestly in its destined path wherever it is directed, then it will eventually reach the sea—the vast ocean—and lose itself in fullness.'

'Ah,' said I, 'but that counsel is not new. It is what the philosophers used to call "yielding to Destiny," and "following Nature." And Destiny and Nature, I give you my word, often led mankind quite wrong—'

'Ah,' I said, 'but that's not new advice. It's what philosophers used to call "yielding to Destiny" and "following Nature." And I assure you, Destiny and Nature have often misled humanity—'

'Or seemed to,' says she—'for a time: as when a stleam flows north a little, and the sea is to the south: but it is bound for the sea all the time, and will turn again. Destiny never could, and cannot yet, be judged, for it is not finished: and our lace should follow blindly whither it points, sure that thlough many curves it leads the world to our God.'

'Or seemed to,' she says—'for a while: like when a stream flows north for a bit, and the sea is to the south: but it is always headed for the sea, and will turn back. Destiny could never be judged, and still can’t be, because it’s not over yet: and our fate should follow blindly wherever it points, confident that despite many twists and turns, it leads the world to our God.'

'Our God indeed!' I cried, getting very excited: 'girl! you talk speciously, but falsely! whence have you these thoughts in that head of yours? Girl! you talk of "our race"! But there are only two of us left? Are you talking at me, Leda? Do not I follow Destiny?'

'Our God indeed!' I exclaimed, getting really worked up. 'Girl! You talk cleverly, but you're wrong! Where did you get those thoughts in your head? Girl! You mention "our race"! But aren't there only two of us left? Are you trying to get through to me, Leda? Don’t I follow Destiny?'

'You?' she sighed, with down-bent face: 'ah, poor me!'

'You?' she sighed, looking down: 'oh, poor me!'

'What should I do if I followed it?' said I, with a crazy curiosity.

'What should I do if I followed it?' I said, feeling incredibly curious.

Her face hung lower, paler, in trouble: and she said:

Her face looked drawn and pale, troubled; and she said:

'You would come now and sit near me here. You would not be there where you are. You would be always and for ever near me....'

'You would come now and sit close to me here. You wouldn’t be where you are right now. You would always and forever be near me....'

My good God! I felt my face redden.

My goodness! I could feel my face getting hot.

'Oh, I could not tell you...!' I cried: 'you talk the most disastrous...! you lack all responsibility...! Never, never...!'

'Oh, I can’t even tell you...!' I exclaimed: 'you’re talking the most disastrous...! you have no sense of responsibility...! Never, ever...!'

Her face now was covered with her left hand, her right on the tiller: and bitingly she said, with a touch of venom:

Her face was now covered with her left hand, her right on the steering wheel: and she said sharply, with a hint of bitterness:

'I could make you come—now, if I chose: but I will not: I will wait upon my God....'

'I could make you come—now, if I wanted to: but I won't: I'll wait for my God....'

'Make me!' I cried: 'Leda! How make me?'

'Make me!' I shouted: 'Leda! How do I do that?'

'I could cly before you, as I cly often and often ... in seclet ... for my childlen....'

'I could cry before you, as I cry often and often ... in secret ... for my children....'

'You cry in secret? This is news—'

"You cry in secret? That's new—"

'Yes, yes, I cly. Is not the burden of the world heavy upon me, too? and the work I have to do vely, vely gleat? And often and often I cly in seclet, thinking of it: and I could cly now if I chose, for you love your little girl so much, that you could not lesist me one minute....'

'Yes, yes, I cry. Isn't the burden of the world heavy on me, too? And the work I have to do is really, really great? And I often cry in secret, thinking about it: and I could cry now if I wanted to, because you love your little girl so much that you couldn't resist me for even a minute....'

Now I saw the push and tortion and trembling of her poor little under-lip, boding tears: and at once a flame was in me which was altogether beyond control; and crying out: 'why, my poor dear,' I found myself in the act of rushing through the staggering boat to take her to me.

Now I saw the push and twist and shaking of her poor little under-lip, foretelling tears: and suddenly a flame ignited within me that was completely uncontrollable; and crying out: 'why, my poor dear,' I found myself rushing through the swaying boat to take her in my arms.

Mid-way, however, I was saved: a whisper, intense as lightning, arrested me: 'Forward is no escape, nor backward, but sideward there may be a way!' And at a sudden impulse, before I knew what I was doing, I was in the water swimming.

Midway, though, something saved me: a whisper, sharp as a flash of lightning, stopped me in my tracks: 'Going forward won’t help, and neither will going back, but to the side there might be a way out!' And in a sudden burst of motivation, before I realized what I was doing, I jumped into the water and started swimming.

The smaller of the islands was two hundred yards away, and thither I swam, rested some minutes, and thence to the Castle. I did not once look behind me.

The smaller island was two hundred yards away, so I swam there, rested for a few minutes, and then headed to the Castle. I didn’t look back once.


Well, from 11 A.M. till five in the afternoon, I thought it all out, lying in the damp flannels on my face on the sofa in the recess beside my bed, where it was quite dark behind the tattered piece of arras: and what things I suffered that day, and what deeps I sounded, and what prayers I prayed, God knows. What infinitely complicated the awful problem was this thought in my head: that to kill her would be far more merciful to her than to leave her alone, having killed myself: and, Heaven knows, it was for her alone that I thought, not at all caring for myself. To kill her was better: but to kill her with my own hands—that was too hard to expect of a poor devil like me, a poor common son of Adam, after all, and never any sublime self-immolator, as two or three of them were. And hours I lay there with brows convulsed in an agony, groaning only those words: 'To kill her! to kill her!' thinking sometimes that I should be merciful to myself too, and die, and let her live, and not care, since, after my death, I would not see her suffer, for the dead know not anything: and to expect me to kill her with my own hand was a little too much. Yet that one or other of us must die was perfectly certain, for I knew that I was just on the brink of failing in my oath, and matters here had reached an obvious crisis: unless we could make up our minds to part...? putting the width of the earth between us? That conception occurred to me: and in the turmoil of my thoughts it seemed a possibility. Finally, about 5 P.M., I resolved upon something: and first I leapt up, went down and across the house into the arsenal, chose a small revolver, fitted it with cartridge, took it up-stairs, lubricated it with lamp-oil, went down and out across the drawbridge, walked two miles beyond the village, shot the revolver at a tree, found its action accurate, and started back. When I came to the Castle, I walked along the island to the outer end, and looked up: there were her pretty cream Valenciennes, put up by herself, waving inward before the light lake-breeze at one open oriel; and I knew that she was in the Castle, for I felt it: and always, always, when she was within, I knew, for I felt her with me; and always when she was away, I knew, I felt, for the air had a dreadful drought, and a barrenness, in it. And I looked up for a time to see if she would come to the window, and then I called, and she appeared. And I said to her: 'Come down here.'

Well, from 11 A.M. to 5 P.M., I thought it all through, lying with the damp cloth on my face on the sofa in the nook beside my bed, where it was pretty dark behind the worn-out tapestry: and what I went through that day, and how deep I plunged, and what prayers I said, only God knows. The problem I had in my mind was so complicated: that killing her would be far more merciful than leaving her alone after I’d taken my own life: and, Heaven knows, my thoughts were only for her, not caring about myself. To kill her was better: but to take her life with my own hands—that was too much to expect from a poor guy like me, just an ordinary man, never a noble martyr like a few of them were. I lay there for hours, my forehead twisted in agony, groaning those words: 'To kill her! to kill her!' Sometimes thinking I might be merciful to myself too and die, letting her live, and not caring, since after my death, I wouldn’t see her suffer, because the dead know nothing: and expecting me to kill her myself was a bit too much. Yet it was certain that one of us had to die, as I knew I was on the verge of breaking my vow, and things had obviously reached a crisis: unless we could decide to part...? putting the whole world between us? That idea came to me: and in the chaos of my thoughts, it felt like a possibility. Finally, around 5 P.M., I made a decision: I jumped up, went down and across the house into the arsenal, picked a small revolver, loaded it, took it upstairs, oiled it with lamp oil, went down and out across the drawbridge, walked two miles beyond the village, fired the revolver at a tree, found it accurate, and headed back. When I got to the Castle, I walked along the island to the outer end, and looked up: there were her lovely cream Valenciennes, put up by herself, swaying inward before the gentle lake breeze at one open window; and I knew she was in the Castle, because I felt it: and always, when she was inside, I could sense her presence; and always when she was away, I felt it, because the air felt terribly dry and barren. I looked up for a while to see if she would come to the window, and then I called, and she appeared. I said to her: 'Come down here.'


Just here there is a little rock-path to the south, going down to the water between rocks mixed with shrub-like little trees, three yards long: a path, or a lane, one might call it, for at the lower end the rocks and trees reach well over a tall man's head. There she had tied my boat to a slender linden-trunk: and sadder now than Gethsemane that familiar boat seemed to my eyes, for I knew very well that I should never enter it more. I walked up and down the path, awaiting her: and from the jacket-pocket in which lay the revolver I drew a box of Swedish matches, from it took two matches, and broke off a bit from the plain end of one; and the two I held between my left thumb and forefinger joint, the phosphorus ends level and visible, the other ends invisible: and I awaited her, pacing fast, and my brow was as stern as Azrael and Rhadamanthus.

Just down here, there's a small rock path to the south that leads to the water, surrounded by rocks and some short, shrub-like trees. It’s about three yards long—a path, or a lane, you could call it—because at the lower end, the rocks and trees tower over a tall guy. That’s where she tied my boat to a slender linden trunk. More sorrowful than Gethsemane, that familiar boat looked to me because I knew I would never step into it again. I walked back and forth along the path, waiting for her. From the jacket pocket where I had the revolver, I took out a box of Swedish matches, grabbed two matches, and broke off a bit from the plain end of one. I held the two matches between my left thumb and forefinger, the phosphorus ends lined up and visible, while the other ends were hidden. I kept pacing quickly, my brow as serious as Azrael and Rhadamanthus.

She came, very pale, poor thing, and flurried, breathing fast. And 'Leda,' I said, meeting her in the middle of the lane, and going straight to the point, 'we are to part, as you guess—for ever, as you guess—for I see very well by your face that you guess. I, too, am very sorry, my little child, and heavy is my heart. To leave you ... alone ... in the world ... is—death for me. But it must, ah it must, be done.'

She arrived, very pale, poor thing, and flustered, breathing quickly. And 'Leda,' I said, meeting her in the middle of the road and getting straight to the point, 'we are going to part, as you suspect—for good, as you suspect—because I can see from your face that you know. I'm also really sorry, my little child, and my heart is heavy. Leaving you... alone... in the world... is—death for me. But it has to be done, oh it has to be done.'

Her face suddenly turned as sallow as the dead were, when the shroud was already on, and the coffin had become a stale added piece of room-furniture by the bed-side; but in recording that fact, I record also this other: that, accompanying this mortal sallowness, which painfully shewed up her poor freckles, was a steady smile, a little turned-down: a smile of steady, of slightly disdainful—Confidence.

Her face suddenly turned as pale as a corpse, after the shroud was placed and the coffin had become just another piece of old furniture by the bedside; but in noting that detail, I also acknowledge this: that along with this lifeless pallor, which painfully highlighted her freckles, was a calm smile, slightly turned down: a smile of steady, somewhat disdainful—Confidence.

She did not say anything: so I went on.

She didn’t say anything, so I continued.

'I have thought long,' said I, 'and I have made a plan—a plan which cannot be effective without your consent and co-operation: and the plan is this: we go from this place together—this same night—to some unknown spot, some town, say a hundred miles hence—by train. There I get two motors, and I in one, and you in the other, we separate, going different ways. We shall thus never be able, however much we may want to, to rediscover each other in all this wide world. That is my plan.'

'I’ve thought about this for a long time,' I said, 'and I’ve come up with a plan—a plan that won’t work without your agreement and cooperation. Here’s the plan: we leave this place together—tonight—heading to some unknown location, maybe a town about a hundred miles away—by train. Once we get there, I’ll get two cars, and I’ll take one while you take the other, and we’ll split up, going our separate ways. This way, no matter how much we might want to, we won’t be able to find each other again in this vast world. That’s my plan.'

She looked me in the face, smiling her smile: and the answer was not long in coming.

She looked me in the face, smiling her smile, and the answer came quickly.

'I will go in the tlain with you,' says she with slow decisiveness: 'but where you leave me, there I will stay, till I die; and I will patiently wait till my God convert you, and send you back to me.'

'I will go on the train with you,' she says with calm determination: 'but wherever you leave me, that's where I'll stay, until I die; and I will patiently wait until my God changes your heart and brings you back to me.'

'That means that you refuse to do what I say?'

'Does that mean you're refusing to do what I say?'

'Yes,' said she, bowing the head with great dignity.

'Yes,' she said, nodding her head with great dignity.

'Well, you speak, not like a girl, Leda,' said I, 'but like a full woman now. But still, reflect a minute.... O reflect! If you stayed where I left you, I should go back to you, and pretty soon, too: I know that I should. Tell me, then—reflect well, and tell me—do you definitely refuse to part with me?'

'Well, you talk, not like a girl, Leda,' I said, 'but like a full woman now. But still, think for a moment... Oh, think! If you stayed where I left you, I would go back to you, and pretty soon too: I know I would. So tell me—really think it over and tell me—do you officially refuse to let me go?'

The answer was pretty prompt, cool, and firm:

The response was quick, confident, and straightforward:

'Yes; I lefuse.'

'Yes; I refuse.'

I left her then, took a turn down the path, and came back.

I left her, turned down the path, and came back.

'Then,' said I, 'here are two matches in my grasp: be good enough to draw one.'

'Then,' I said, 'I have two matches here: please pick one.'

Now she was hit to the heart: I saw her eyes widen to the width of horror, with a glassy stare: she had read of the drawing of lots in the Bible: she knew that it meant death for me, or for her.

Now she was struck to the core: I saw her eyes widen in horror, with a glazed look: she had read about casting lots in the Bible: she knew it meant death for either me or her.

But she obeyed without a word, after one backward start and then a brief hovering in decision of thumb and forefinger over my held-out hand. I had fixed it in my mind that if she drew the shorter of the matches, then she should die; if the longer, then I should die.

But she complied without saying anything, after hesitating for a moment and briefly pausing with her thumb and forefinger hovering over my outstretched hand. I had decided in my mind that if she picked the shorter match, then she would die; if she picked the longer match, then I would die.

She drew the shorter....

She picked the shorter....


This was only what I should have expected: for I knew that God loved her, and hated me.

This was exactly what I should have expected: I knew that God loved her and hated me.

But instantly upon the first shock of the enormity that I should be her executioner, I made my resolve: to drop shot, too, at the moment after she dropped shot, so disposing my body, that it would fall half upon her, and half by her, so that we might be close always: and that would not be so bad, after all.

But right after I first realized the enormity of the fact that I would be her executioner, I made my decision: to take a shot too, right after she took her shot, positioning my body so that it would fall half on her and half beside her, so we could always be close together; and that wouldn’t be so bad, after all.

With a sudden movement I snatched the revolver from my pocket: she did not move, except her white lips, which, I think, whispered:

With a quick motion, I grabbed the revolver from my pocket: she didn't move, except for her pale lips, which I think whispered:

'Not yet....'

'Not yet...'

I stood with hanging arm, forefinger on trigger, looking at her. I saw her glance once at the weapon, and then she fixed her eyes upwards upon my face: and now that same smile, which had disappeared, was on her lips again, meaning confidence, meaning disdain.

I stood there with my arm dropped, finger on the trigger, staring at her. I noticed her glance at the gun for a moment, then she locked her gaze onto my face: and that same smile, which had vanished, was back on her lips, conveying confidence, even contempt.

I waited for her to open her mouth to say something—to stop that smile—that I might shoot her quick and sudden: and she would not, knowing that I could not kill her while she was smiling; and suddenly, all my pity and love for her changed into a strange resentment and rage against her, for she was purposely making hard for me what I was doing for her sake: and the bitter thought was in my mind: 'You are nothing to me: if you want to die, you do your own killing; and I will do my own killing.' And without one word to her, I strode away, and left her there.

I waited for her to speak—to stop that smile—so I could act quickly and unexpectedly: but she wouldn’t, knowing I couldn’t hurt her while she was smiling; and suddenly, all my pity and love for her transformed into a strange resentment and anger towards her, because she was making what I was doing for her so much harder: and the bitter thought crossed my mind: 'You mean nothing to me: if you want to die, that's your choice; I’ll take care of my own issues.' And without saying a word to her, I walked away and left her there.

I see now that this whole drawing of lots was nothing more than a farce: I never could have killed her, smiling, or no smiling: for to each thing and man is given a certain strength: and a thing cannot be stronger than its strength, strive as it may: it is so strong, and no stronger, and there is an end of the matter.

I realize now that this whole lottery was just a joke: I could never have killed her, whether I was smiling or not: everyone and everything has a certain strength: and nothing can be stronger than its own strength, no matter how hard it tries: it is as strong as it is, and nothing more, and that’s the end of it.

I walked up to the Grand Bailli's bureau, a room about twenty-five feet from the ground. By this time it was getting pretty dark, but I could see, by peering, the face of a grandfather's-clock which I had long since set going, and kept wound. It is on the north side of the room, over the writing-desk opposite the oriels. It then pointed to half-past six, and in order to fix some definite moment for the bitter effort of the mortal act, I said: 'At Seven.' I then locked the door which opens upon three little steps near the desk, and also the stair-door; and I began to pace the chamber. There was not a breath of air here, and I was hot; I seemed to be stifling, tore open my shirt at the throat, and opened the lower half of the central mullion-space of one oriel. Some minutes later, at twenty-five to seven, I lit two candles on the desk, and sat to write to her, the pistol at my right hand; but I had hardly begun, when I thought that I heard a sound at the three-step door, which was only four feet to my left: a sound which resembled a scraping of her slipper; I stole to the door, and crouched, listening: but I could hear nothing further. I then returned to the desk, and set to writing, giving her some last directions for her life, telling her why I died, how I loved her, much better than my own soul, begging her to love me always, and to live on to please me, but if she would die, then to be sure to die near me. Tears were pouring down my face, when, turning, I saw her standing in a terrified pose hardly two feet behind me. The absolute stealth which had brought and put her there, unknown to me, was like miracle: for the ladder, whose top I saw intruding into the open oriel, I knew well, having often seen it in a room below, and its length was quite thirty feet, nor could its weight be trifling: yet I had heard not one hint of its impact upon the window. But there, at all events, she was, wan as a ghost.

I walked up to the Grand Bailli's office, a room around twenty-five feet high. By this point, it was getting pretty dark, but I could still make out the face of a grandfather clock that I had wound and set in motion a long time ago. It was on the north side of the room, above the writing desk opposite the windows. It showed half-past six, and to set a definite time for the painful act, I thought, “At Seven.” I then locked the door that led to the three little steps near the desk, as well as the door to the stairs, and started pacing the room. There wasn’t a breath of air in here, and I was feeling hot; I was almost suffocating, so I tore open my shirt at the throat and opened the lower half of the central mullion space of one window. A few minutes later, at twenty-five to seven, I lit two candles on the desk and sat down to write to her, with the pistol on my right side. But I had barely started when I thought I heard a sound at the three-step door, which was only four feet to my left—a sound that sounded like her slipper scraping. I crept over to the door and crouched down, listening, but I couldn’t hear anything else. I returned to the desk and began writing, giving her some final guidance for her life, explaining why I was dying, how much I loved her, even more than my own soul, begging her to always love me and to keep living to make me happy, but if she did choose to die, to make sure it was close to me. Tears were streaming down my face when I turned and saw her standing there in a terrified pose, barely two feet behind me. The complete silence that had brought her there without my notice felt miraculous: I recognized the ladder that I saw poking into the open window, as I had often seen it in a room below; it was at least thirty feet long and certainly not light. Yet I hadn’t heard a single sound from it hitting the window. But there she was, pale as a ghost.

Immediately, as my consciousness realised her, my hand instinctively went out to secure the weapon: but she darted upon it, and was an instant before me. I flew after her to wrench it away, but she flew, too: and before I caught her, had thrown it cleanly through two rungs of the ladder and the window. I dashed to the window, and after a hurried peer thought that I saw it below at the foot of a rock; away I flew to the stair-door, wrung open the lock, and down the stairs, three at a time, I ran to recover it. I remember being rather surprised that she did not follow, forgetting all about the ladder.

As soon as I realized who she was, my hand instinctively reached for the weapon, but she grabbed it before I could. I chased after her to take it back, but she was quick, and by the time I caught up, she had thrown it through the two rungs of the ladder and out the window. I rushed to the window and, after a quick glance, thought I saw it at the base of a rock; I bolted to the stair-door, wrenched open the lock, and sprinted down the stairs, taking them three at a time to get it back. I remember being a bit surprised that she didn’t follow, forgetting all about the ladder.

But with a horrid shock I was reminded of it the moment I reached the bottom, before ever I had passed from the house: for I heard the report of the weapon—that crack, my God! and crying out: 'Well, Lord, she has died for me, then!' I tottered forward, and tumbled upon her, where she lay under the incline of the ladder in her blood.

But then, with a terrible jolt, I was reminded of it the moment I reached the bottom, before I even left the house: I heard the sound of the weapon— that crack, oh my God! and I shouted, 'Well, Lord, she has died for me, then!' I stumbled forward and fell over her, where she lay in her blood under the slope of the ladder.


That night! what a night it was! of fingers shivering with haste, of harum-scarum quests and searches, of groans, and piteous appeals to God. For there were no surgical instruments, lint, anaesthetics, nor antiseptics that I knew of in the Château; and though I knew of a house in Montreux where I could find them, the distance was quite infinite, and the time an eternity in which to leave her all alone, bleeding to death; and, to my horror, I remembered that there was barely enough petrol in the motor, and the store usually kept in the house exhausted. However, I did it, leaving her there unconscious on her bed: but how I did it, and lived sane afterwards, that is another matter.

That night! What a night it was! Fingers trembling with urgency, chaotic searches and quests, groans, and desperate prayers to God. Because there were no surgical tools, gauze, anesthesia, or antiseptics that I knew of in the Château; and while I knew of a place in Montreux where I could find them, the distance felt endless, and the time stretched into an eternity to leave her all alone, bleeding to death. To my horror, I also remembered that there was barely enough gas in the car, and the supply usually kept at the house was depleted. Still, I did it, leaving her there unconscious on her bed: but how I managed to do it and stay sane afterward is another story.

If I had not been a medical man, she must, I think, have died: for the bullet had broken the left fifth rib, had been deflected, and I found it buried in the upper part of the abdominal wall. I did not go from her bed-side: I did not sleep, though I nodded and staggered: for all things were nothing to me, but her: and for a frightfully long time she remained comatose. While she was still in this state I took her to a chalet beyond Villeneuve, three miles away on the mountain-side, a homely, but very salubrious place which I knew, imbedded in verdures, for I was desperate at her long collapse, and had hope in the higher air. And there after three more days, she opened her eyes, and smiled with me.

If I hadn’t been a doctor, I think she would have died: the bullet had shattered the left fifth rib, had changed direction, and I found it lodged in the upper part of her abdomen. I didn’t leave her bedside: I didn’t sleep, even though I dozed off and stumbled around: everything else meant nothing to me, except her: and she stayed in a deep coma for a terrifyingly long time. While she was still like that, I took her to a cabin beyond Villeneuve, three miles away on the mountainside, a simple but very healthy place I knew, surrounded by greenery, because I was desperate over her prolonged unconsciousness, and I hoped the fresh mountain air would help. And after three more days there, she opened her eyes and smiled at me.

It was then that I said to myself: 'This is the noblest, sagest, and also the most loveable, of the creatures whom God has made in heaven or earth. She has won my life, and I will live.... But at least, to save myself, I will put the broadest Ocean that there is between her and me: for I wish to be a decent being, for the honour of my race, being the last, and to turn out trumps ... though I do love my dear, God knows....'

It was then that I told myself: 'This is the most noble, wise, and also the most lovable of all the beings God has created in heaven or earth. She has captured my heart, and I will live.... But at least, to protect myself, I will put the widest ocean possible between her and me: I want to be a decent person, for the honor of my lineage, being the last, and to come out on top ... even though I do love her dearly, God knows....'

And thus, after only fifty-five days at the chalet, were we forced still further Westward.

And so, after just fifty-five days at the chalet, we were forced to head even further west.


I wished her to remain at Chillon, intending, myself, to start for the Americas, whence any sudden impulse to return to her could not be easily accomplished: but she refused, saying that she would come with me to the coast of France: and I could not say her no.

I wanted her to stay at Chillon while I set off for the Americas, where it wouldn't be easy to just turn back and see her on a whim. But she insisted on coming with me to the coast of France, and I couldn't say no to her.

And at the coast, after thirteen days we arrived, three days before the New Year, traversing France by steam, air, and petrol traction.

And at the coast, after thirteen days we arrived, three days before the New Year, traveling through France by train, plane, and car.

We came to Havre—infirm, infirm of will that I was: for in my deep heart was the secret, hidden away from my own upper self, that, she being at Havre, and I at Portsmouth, we could still speak together.

We arrived in Havre—I was weak, weak in will: for deep down in my heart was the secret, kept hidden from my conscious self, that since she was in Havre and I in Portsmouth, we could still talk to each other.

We came humming into the dark town of Havre in a four-seat motor-car about ten in the evening of the 29th December: a raw bleak night, she, it was clear, poor thing, bitterly cramped with cold. I had some recollection of the place, for I had been there, and drove to the quays, near which I stopped at the Maire's large house, a palatial place overlooking the sea, in which she slept, I occupying another near.

We rolled into the dark town of Havre in a four-seat car around 10 PM on December 29th: a chilly, bleak night, and she, poor thing, was clearly shivering from the cold. I remembered the place since I had been there before, so I drove to the docks and parked near the Maire's big house, which was a fancy place overlooking the sea, where she slept while I stayed in another nearby.

The next morning I was early astir, searched in the mairie for a map of the town, where I also found a Bottin: I could thus locate the Telephone Exchange. In the Maire's house, which I had fixed upon to be her home, the telephone was set up in an alcove adjoining a very stately salon Louis Quinze; and though I knew that these little dry batteries would not be run down in twenty odd years, yet, fearing any weakness, I broke open the box, and substituted a new one from the Company's stores two streets away, at the same time noting the exchange-number of the instrument. This done, I went down among the ships by the wharves, and fixed upon the first old green air-boat that seemed fairly sound, broke open a near shop, procured some buckets of oil, and by three o'clock had tested and prepared my ship. It was a dull and mournful day, drizzling, chilly. I returned then to the mairie, where for the first time I saw her, and she was heavy of heart that day: but when I broke the news that she would be able to speak to me, every day, all day, first she was all incredulous astonishment, then, for a moment, her eyes turned white to Heaven, then she was skipping like a kid. We were together three precious hours, examining the place, and returning with stores of whatever she might require, till I saw darkness coming on, and we went down to the ship.

The next morning, I got up early and searched in the mairie for a map of the town, where I also found a Bottin: this helped me locate the Telephone Exchange. In the Maire's house, which I decided would be her home, the telephone was set up in a corner next to a very elegant salon Louis Quinze; and although I knew these little dry batteries would last for over twenty years, I was worried about any potential issues, so I opened the box and replaced it with a new one from the Company’s store two streets away, all while noting the exchange number of the phone. Once that was done, I went down to the wharves and chose the first old green airboat that seemed decent, broke into a nearby shop, got some buckets of oil, and by three o'clock, I had tested and prepared my boat. It was a dreary, gloomy day, drizzling and chilly. I then returned to the mairie, where for the first time I saw her, and she looked heavy-hearted that day: but when I told her she could talk to me every single day, all day, she was initially in complete disbelief, then for a moment, her eyes looked up to Heaven, and then she was hopping around like a kid. We spent three wonderful hours together, exploring the place and gathering supplies for whatever she might need, until I noticed it was getting dark, and we headed down to the boat.

And when those long-dead screws awoke and moved, bearing me toward the Outer Basin, I saw her stand darkling, lonely, on the Quai through heart-rending murk and drizzly inclemency: and oh my God, the gloomy under-look of those red eyes, and the piteous out-push of that little lip, and the hurried burying of that face! My heart broke, for I had not given her even one little, last kiss, and she had been so good, quietly acquiescing, like a good wife, not attempting to force her presence upon me in the ship; and I left her there, all widowed, alone on the Continent of Europe, watching after me: and I went out to the bleak and dreary fields of the sea.

And when those long-dead screws came to life and moved, carrying me toward the Outer Basin, I saw her standing there, dark and alone, on the Quai through heartbreaking fog and dreary rain: and oh my God, the sad look in her red eyes, the pitiful pout of her little lip, and the way she hurried to hide her face! My heart broke, because I hadn’t even given her one last little kiss, and she had been so good, quietly accepting things, like a good wife, not trying to impose herself on me on the ship; and I left her there, all alone, widowed on the continent of Europe, watching me as I left: and I stepped out into the bleak and dismal expanse of the sea.


Arriving at Portsmouth the next morning, I made my residence in the first house in which I found an instrument, a spacious dwelling facing the Harbour Pier. I then hurried round to the Exchange, which is on the Hard near the Docks, a large red building with facings of Cornish moor-stone, a bank on the ground-floor, and the Exchange on the first. Here I plugged her number on to mine, ran back, rang—and, to my great thanksgiving, heard her speak. (This instrument, however, did not prove satisfactory: I broke the box, and put in another battery, and still the voice was muffled: finally, I furnished the middle room at the Exchange with a truckle-bed, stores, and a few things, and here have taken up residence.)

Arriving in Portsmouth the next morning, I settled into the first house that had a phone, a spacious place facing the Harbour Pier. I then rushed over to the Exchange, located on the Hard near the Docks, a big red building made of Cornish moor-stone, with a bank on the ground floor and the Exchange above it. Here, I connected her number to mine, rushed back, rang—and, to my immense relief, heard her voice. (This phone, however, didn’t work well: I damaged the box, replaced the battery, and still the voice was unclear. In the end, I furnished the middle room at the Exchange with a trundle bed, some supplies, and a few other things, and I’ve settled in here.)

I believe that she lives and sleeps under the instrument, as I here live and sleep, sleep and live, under it. My instrument is quite near one of the harbour-windows, so that, hearing her, I can gaze out toward her over the expanse of waters, yet see her not; and she, too, looking over the sea toward me, can hear a voice from the azure depths of nowhere, yet see me not.

I think she lives and sleeps under the instrument, just like I live and sleep, sleep and live, under it. My instrument is close to one of the harbor windows, so that when I hear her, I can look out at her across the water, but I can’t actually see her; and she, looking out over the sea toward me, can hear a voice from the endless blue, but she can’t see me either.


I this morning early to her:

I woke up early this morning to see her:

'Good morning! Are you there?'

'Good morning! Are you there?'

'Good morning! No: I am there,' says she.

'Good morning! No, I'm right here,' she says.

'Well, that was what I asked—"are you there"?'

'Well, that was what I asked—"are you there?"'

'But I not here, I am there,' says she.

'But I'm not here, I'm there,' she says.

'I know very well that you are not "here,"' said I, 'for I do not see you: but I asked if you were there, and you say "No," and then "Yes."'

'I know very well that you're not "here,"' I said, 'because I can't see you: but I asked if you were there, and you say "No," and then "Yes."'

'It is the paladox of the heart,' says she.

'It's the paradox of the heart,' she says.

'The what?'

'What the?'

'The paladox,' says she.

'The paladox,' she says.

'But still I do not understand: how can you be both there and not there?'

'But I still don't understand: how can you be both present and absent?'

'If my ear is here, and I elsewhere?' says she.

'If my ear is here, and I’m somewhere else?' she says.

'An operation?'

"Is it a procedure?"

'Yes!' says she.

"Yes!" she says.

'What doctor?'

'Which doctor?'

'A specialist!' says she.

"She's a specialist!"

'An ear-specialist?'

"An ear specialist?"

'A heart!' says she.

"A heart!" she exclaims.

'And you let a heart-specialist operate on your ear?'

'And you let a heart doctor perform surgery on your ear?'

'On myself he operlated, and left the ear behind!' says she.

'He operated on me and left the ear behind!' she says.

'Well, and how are you after it?'

'So, how have you been since then?'

'Fairly well. Are you?' says she.

'I'm doing pretty well. How about you?' she says.

'Quite well. Did you sleep well?'

'Pretty good. Did you get a good night's sleep?'

'Except when you lang me up at midnight. I have had such a dleam ...'

'Except when you tied me up at midnight. I had such a dream ...'

'What?'

'What?'

'I dleamed that I saw two little boys of the same age—only I could not see their faces, I never can see anybody's face, only yours and mine, mine and yours always—of the same age—playing in a wood....'

'I dreamed that I saw two little boys the same age—only I could not see their faces, I can never see anyone's face, only yours and mine, mine and yours always—of the same age—playing in a wood....'

'Ah, I hope that one of them was not called Cain, my poor girl.'

'Ah, I hope that one of them wasn't named Cain, my poor girl.'

'Not at all! neither of them! Suppose I tell a stoly, and say that one was called Caius and the other Tibelius, or one John and the other Jesus?'

'Not at all! Neither of them! What if I tell a story and say that one was named Caius and the other Tibelius, or one John and the other Jesus?'

'Ah. Well, tell me the dleam....'

'Ah. Well, tell me the deal....'

'Now you do not deserve.'

'Now you don't deserve.'

'Well, what will you do to-day?'

'So, what are you going to do today?'

'I? It is a lovely day ... have you nice weather in England?'

'I? It's a beautiful day ... do you have nice weather in England?'

'Very.'

'Really.'

'Well, between eleven and twelve I will go out and gather Spling-flowers in the park, and cover the salon deep, deep. Wouldn't you like to be here?'

'Well, between eleven and twelve, I'll head out to the park to collect Spling flowers and fill the salon with them. Wouldn't you love to be here?'

'Not I.'

'Not me.'

'You would!'

'You would!'

'Why should I? I prefer England.'

'Why should I? I’d rather be in England.'

'But Flance is nice too: and Flance wants to be fliends with England, and is waiting, oh waiting, for England to come over, and be fliends. Couldn't some lapplochement be negotiated?'

'But Flance is nice too: and Flance wants to be friends with England, and is waiting, oh waiting, for England to come over, and be friends. Couldn't some rapprochement be negotiated?'

'Good-bye. This talking spoils my morning smoke....'

'Goodbye. This chit-chat ruins my morning smoke....'

So we speak together across the sea, my God.

So we talk together across the sea, my God.


On the morning of the 8th April, when I had been separated thirteen weeks from her, I boarded several ships in the Inner Port, a lunacy in my heart, and selected what looked like a very swift boat, one of the smaller Atlantic air-steamers called the Stettin, which seemed to require the least labour in oiling, &c., in order to fit her for the sea: for the boat in which I had come to England was a mere tub, though sound, and I pined for the wings of a dove, that I might fly away to her, and be at rest.

On the morning of April 8th, after being apart from her for thirteen weeks, I boarded several ships in the Inner Port, feeling a madness in my heart. I picked what looked like a really fast boat, one of the smaller Atlantic air-steamers called the Stettin, which seemed to need the least effort in oiling and so on to get her ready for the sea. The boat I had arrived in was just a rickety thing, even though it was seaworthy, and I longed for the wings of a dove so that I could fly away to her and finally find peace.

I toiled with fluttering hands that day, and I believe that I was of the colour of ashes to my very lips. By half-past two o'clock I was finished, and by three was coasting down Southampton Water by Netley Hospital and the Hamble-mouth, having said not one word about anything at the telephone, or even to my own guilty heart not a word. But in the silent depths of my being I felt this fact: that this must be a 35-knot boat, and that, if driven hard, hard, in spite of the heavy garment of seaweed which she trailed, she would do 30; also that Havre was 120 miles away, and at 7 P.M. I should be on its quay.

I worked with shaking hands that day, and I felt like I was as pale as ash. By 2:30 PM, I was done, and by 3, I was gliding down Southampton Water near Netley Hospital and the mouth of the Hamble, without saying a single word on the phone, or even to my own troubled heart. But deep inside, I understood this: that this had to be a 35-knot boat, and if pushed hard enough, despite the heavy seaweed it dragged, it could still reach 30 knots; also, that Havre was 120 miles away, and I should be at its quay by 7 PM.

And when I was away, and out on the bright and breezy sea, I called to her, crying out: 'I am coming!' And I knew that she heard me, and that her heart leapt to meet me, for mine leapt, too, and felt her answering.

And when I was away, out on the bright and breezy sea, I called to her, shouting: 'I’m coming!' And I knew she heard me, her heart jumping to meet mine, because mine raced too, feeling her response.

The sun went down: it set. I was tired of the day's work, and of standing at the high-set wheel; and I could not yet see the coast of France. And a thought smote me, and after another ten minutes I turned the ship's head back, my face screwed with pain, God knows, like a man whose thumbs are ground between the screws, and his body drawn out and out on the rack to tenuous length, and his flesh massacred with pincers: and I fell upon the floor of the bridge contorted with anguish: for I could not go to her. But after a time that paroxysm passed, and I rose up sullen and resentful, and resumed my place at the wheel, steering back for England: for a fixed resolve was in my breast, and I said: 'Oh no, no more. If I could bear it, I would, I would ... but if it is impossible, how can I? To-morrow night as the sun sets—without fail—so help me God—I will kill myself.'

The sun went down: it set. I was exhausted from the day's work and from standing at the high wheel; I still couldn’t see the coast of France. Then a thought struck me, and after another ten minutes, I turned the ship’s head back, my face twisted in pain, feeling like a man whose thumbs are crushed between screws, his body stretched out on a rack, and his flesh tortured with pincers. I collapsed on the bridge floor, wracked with anguish, because I couldn’t go to her. But eventually, that wave of pain passed, and I got up feeling sullen and resentful, returning to my place at the wheel, steering back for England. A firm resolve filled my chest, and I said, “Oh no, no more. If I could bear it, I would, I would… but if it’s impossible, how can I? Tomorrow night as the sun sets—without fail—so help me God—I will kill myself.”


So it is finished, my good God.

So it’s over, my good God.

On the early morning of the next day, the 9th, I having come back to Portsmouth about eleven the previous night, when I bid her 'Good morning' through the telephone, she said 'Good morning,' and not another word. I said:

On the early morning of the next day, the 9th, I returned to Portsmouth around eleven the night before. When I said 'Good morning' to her over the phone, she replied 'Good morning' and didn't say anything else. I said:

'I got my hookah-bowl broken last night, and shall be trying to mend it to-day.'

'I broke my hookah bowl last night, and I'm going to try to fix it today.'

No answer.

No response.

'Are you there?' said I.

"Are you there?" I asked.

'Yes,' says she.

"Yes," she says.

'Then why don't you answer?' said I.

'Then why don't you answer?' I asked.

'Where were you all yesterday?' says she.

'Where were you all yesterday?' she asks.

'I went for a little cruise in the basin,' said I.

'I went for a short cruise in the harbor,' I said.

Silence for three minutes: then she says:

Silence for three minutes; then she says:

'What is the matter?'

'What's the matter?'

'Matter?' said I, 'nothing!'

"Matter?" I said, "nothing!"

'Tell me!' she says—with such an intensity and rage, as to make me shudder.

'Tell me!' she says—with such intensity and rage that it makes me shudder.

'There is nothing to tell, Leda!'

'There's nothing to say, Leda!'

'Oh, but how can you be so cluel to me?' she cries, and ah, there was anguish in that voice! 'There is something to tell—there is! Don't I know it vely well by your voice?'

'Oh, but how can you be so clueless to me?' she cries, and ah, there was anguish in that voice! 'There is something to tell—there is! Don't I know it very well by your voice?'

Ah, the thought took me then, how, on the morrow, she would ring, and have no answer; and she would ring again, and have no answer; and she would ring all day, and ring, and ring; and for ever she would ring, with white-flowing hair and the staring eye-balls of frenzy, battering reproaches at the doors of God, and the Universe would cry back to her howls and ravings only one eternal answer of Silence, of Silence. And as I thought of that—for very pity, for very pity, my God—I could not help sobbing aloud:

Ah, the thought struck me then, how, tomorrow, she would call and get no answer; and she would call again, and receive no answer; and she would call all day, over and over again; and forever she would call, with her flowing white hair and frantic, wide-open eyes, pounding on the doors of God with her accusations, and the Universe would respond to her screams and rants with just one endless answer of Silence, of Silence. And as I thought about that—for the sheer pity of it, for the sheer pity, my God—I couldn't help but sob out loud:

'May God pity you, woman!'

'May God have mercy on you, woman!'

I do not know if she heard it: she must, I think, have heard: but no reply came; and there I, shivering like the sheeted dead, stood waiting for her next word, waiting long, dreading, hoping for, her voice, thinking that if she spoke and sobbed but once, I should drop dead, dead, where I stood, or bite my tongue through, or shriek the high laugh of distraction. But when at last, after quite thirty or forty minutes she spoke, her voice was perfectly firm and calm. She said:

I don’t know if she heard it: she must have heard, I think, but no reply came; and there I was, shivering like a ghost, waiting for her next word, waiting a long time, dreading and hoping for her voice, thinking that if she spoke and cried just once, I would drop dead right there, or bite my tongue, or scream in frustration. But finally, after about thirty or forty minutes, when she spoke, her voice was completely steady and calm. She said:

'Are you there?'

'You there?'

'Yes,' said I, 'yes, Leda.'

"Yeah," I said, "yeah, Leda."

'What was the color,' says she, 'of the poison-cloud which destroyed the world?'

'What was the color,' she asks, 'of the poison-cloud that destroyed the world?'

'Purple, Leda,' said I.

'Purple, Leda,' I said.

'And it had a smell like almonds or peach blossoms, did it not?' says she.

'And it smelled like almonds or peach blossoms, right?' she says.

'Yes,' said I, 'yes.'

"Yes," I said, "yes."

'Then,' says she, 'there is another eruption. Every now and again I seem to scent strange whiffs like that ... and there is a purple vapour in the East which glows and glows ... just see if you can see it....'

'Then,' she says, 'there's another eruption. Every now and then, I catch strange wafts of something like that ... and there's a purple mist in the East that keeps glowing ... just see if you can spot it....'

I flew across the room to an east window, threw up the grimy sash, and looked. But the view was barred by the plain brick back of a tall warehouse. I rushed back, gasped to her to wait, rushed down the two stairs, and out upon the Hard. For a minute I ran dodging wildly about, seeking a purview to the East, and finally ran up the dockyard, behind the storehouses to the Semaphore, and reached the top, panting for life. I looked abroad. The morning sky, but for a bank of cloud to the north-west, was cloudless, the sun blazing in a region of clear azure pallor. And back again I flew.

I dashed across the room to an east window, pulled up the dirty sash, and looked out. But my view was blocked by the plain brick wall of a tall warehouse. I hurried back, told her to wait, rushed down the two stairs, and stepped out onto the Hard. For a minute, I ran around wildly, searching for a view of the East, and finally sprinted up to the dockyard, behind the storage buildings to the Semaphore, and reached the top, out of breath. I looked out. The morning sky, except for a bank of clouds to the northwest, was clear, with the sun blazing in an area of bright blue. Then I dashed back again.

'I cannot see it...!' I cried.

'I can't see it...!' I shouted.

'Then it has not tlavelled far enough to the north-west yet,' she said with decision.

'Then it hasn't traveled far enough to the northwest yet,' she said confidently.

'My wife!' I cried: 'you are my wife now!'

'My wife!' I exclaimed: 'you are my wife now!'

'Am I?' says she: 'at last? Are you glad?... But shall I not soon die?'

'Am I?' she says. 'Finally? Are you happy?... But am I not going to die soon?'

'No! You can escape! My home! My heart! If only for an hour or two, then death—just think, together—on the same couch, for ever, heart to heart—how sweet!'

'No! You can escape! My home! My heart! If only for an hour or two, then death—just think, together—on the same couch, forever, heart to heart—how sweet!'

'Yes! how sweet! But how escape?'

'Yes! How sweet! But how do I escape?'

'It travelled slowly before. Get quick—will you?—into one of the smaller boats by the quay—there is one just under the crane that is an air-boat—you have seen me turn on the air, haven't you?—that handle on the right as you descend the steps under the dial-thing—get first a bucket of oil from the shop next to the clock-tower in the quay-street, and throw it over everything that you see rusted. Only, spend no time—for me, my heaven! You can steer by the tiller and compass: well, the wheel is quite the same, only just the opposite. First unmoor, then to the handle, then to the wheel. The course is directly North-East by North. I will meet you on the sea—go now—'

'It used to move slowly. Hurry—will you?—into one of the smaller boats by the dock—there’s one right under the crane that’s an air-boat—you’ve seen me turn on the air, right?—that handle on the right as you go down the steps under the dial-thing—first, grab a bucket of oil from the shop next to the clock tower in the quay street, and cover everything that looks rusty. But don’t waste any time—for me, my heaven! You can steer using the tiller and compass: well, the wheel works the same way, just in reverse. First, unmoor, then to the handle, then to the wheel. The course is directly North-East by North. I’ll meet you at sea—go now—'

I was wild with bliss. I thought that I should take her between my arms, and have the little freckles against my face, and taste her short firm-fleshed upper-lip, and moan upon her, and whimper upon her, and mutter upon her, and say 'My wife.' And even when I knew that she was gone from the telephone, I still stood there, hoarsely calling after her: 'My wife! My wife!'

I was overwhelming filled with happiness. I thought I should hold her in my arms, feel her little freckles against my face, taste her firm upper lip, and sigh over her, and whimper for her, and whisper to her, saying, 'My wife.' Even when I realized she was off the phone, I stood there, hoarsely calling after her: 'My wife! My wife!'


I flew down to where the steamer lay moored that had borne me the previous day. Her joint speed with the speed of Leda's boat would be forty knots: in three hours we must meet. I had not the least fear of her dying before I saw her: for, apart from the deliberate movement of the vapour that first time, I fore-tasted and trusted my love, that she would surely come, and not fail: as dying saints fore-tasted and trusted Eternal Life.

I flew down to where the steamer was docked that had brought me the day before. Her combined speed with Leda's boat would be forty knots: in three hours we would meet. I wasn't worried at all about her not making it before I saw her; aside from the slow movement of the steam the first time, I felt in my heart and trusted my love that she would definitely come, just like dying saints anticipate and trust in Eternal Life.

I was no sooner on board the Stettin than her engines were straining under what was equivalent to forced draught. On the previous day it would have little surprised me at any moment, while I drove her, to be carried to the clouds in an explosion from her deep-rusted steel tanks: but this day such a fear never crossed my mind: for I knew very well that I was immortal till I saw her.

I had barely stepped onto the Stettin before her engines were pushing hard like they were on overdrive. Just a day ago, I would have been taken by surprise at any moment while operating her, expecting to be sent flying by an explosion from her corroded steel tanks. But today, that fear never crossed my mind because I knew I was invincible until I saw her.

The sea was not only perfectly smooth, but placid, as on the previous day: only it seemed far placider, and the sun brighter, and there was a levity in the breezes that frilled the sea in fugitive dark patches, like frissons of tickling; and I thought that the morning was a true marriage-morning, and remembered that it was a Sabbath; and sweet odours our wedding would not lack of peach and almond, though, looking eastward, I could see no faintest sign of any purple cloud, but only rags of chiffon under the sun; and it would be an eternal wedding, for one day in our sight would be as a thousand years, and our thousand years of bliss would be but one day, and in the evening of all that eternity death would come and sweetly lay its finger upon our languid lids, and we should die of weary bliss; and all manner of dancings and singings—fandango and light galliard, corantoes and the solemn gavotte—were a-tune in my heart that happy day; and running by the chart-house to the wheel, I saw under the table a great roll of old flags, and presently they were flying in a long curve of gala from the main; and the sea rumpled in a long tract of tumbling milk behind me; and I hasted homeward, to meet my heart.

The sea was not just perfectly calm, but also peaceful, just like the day before; it actually seemed even more peaceful, and the sun was brighter. There was a lightness in the breezes that ruffled the sea in fleeting dark patches, like bursts of ticklishness; I thought this morning was a true wedding morning and remembered it was Sunday. Our wedding would definitely have sweet scents of peach and almond, although when I looked east, I couldn’t see the faintest hint of any purple cloud, just scraps of chiffon under the sun. It would be an everlasting wedding, because one day for us would feel like a thousand years, and our thousand years of happiness would feel like just one day. In the evening of all that eternity, death would come and gently touch our tired eyelids, and we would die from overwhelming bliss. All kinds of dances and songs—fandango and light galliard, corantoes and the solemn gavotte—were playing in my heart that joyful day. As I ran by the chart-house to the wheel, I saw a big roll of old flags under the table, and soon they were flying in a long curve of celebration from the main mast. The sea churned in a long stretch of foamy white behind me, and I hurried home to meet my heart.


No purple cloud could I see as, on and on, for two hours, I tore southward: but at hot noon, on the weather beam I spied through the glass across the water something else which moved, and it was you who came to me, Oh Leda, my spirit's breath!

No purple cloud could I see as I raced southward for two hours: but at the hot noon, on the weather beam, I spotted through the glass across the water something else that moved, and it was you who came to me, Oh Leda, my spirit’s breath!

I bore down upon her, waving: and soon I saw her stand like an ancient mariner, but in white muslins that fluttered, at her wheel on the bridge—it was one of those little old Havre-Antwerp craft very high in the bows—and she waved a little white thing. And we came nearer, till I could spy her face, her smile, and I shouted her to stop, and in a minute stopped myself, and by happy steering came with slowing headway to a slight crash by her side, and ran down the trellised steps to her, and led her up; and on the deck, without saying a word, I fell to my knees before her, and I bowed my brow to the floor, with obeisance, and I worshipped her there as Heaven.

I moved closer to her, waving, and soon I saw her standing like an old sailor in her white dress that fluttered at the wheel on the bridge—it was one of those small old Havre-Antwerp boats with a high bow—and she waved a little white object. We got closer until I could see her face and her smile, and I called out for her to stop, then quickly stopped myself, and with careful steering, glided to a gentle bump beside her. I ran down the trellised steps to her and helped her up; once on deck, without saying a word, I dropped to my knees in front of her, bowed my head to the floor in respect, and worshipped her there as if she were Heaven.

And we were wedded: for she, too, bowed the knee with me under the jovial blue sky; and under her eyes were the little moist semicircles of dreamy pensive fatigue, so dear and wifish: and God was there, and saw her kneel: for He loves the girl.

And we were married: for she, too, knelt with me under the cheerful blue sky; and beneath her eyes were the small moist half-circles of dreamy, thoughtful exhaustion, so lovable and wifely: and God was there, and saw her kneel: for He loves the girl.

And I got the two ships apart, and they rested there some yards divided all the day, and we were in the main-deck cabin, where I had locked a door, so that no one might come in to be with my love and me.

And I got the two ships separated, and they stayed there a few yards apart all day, while we were in the main-deck cabin, where I had locked the door so that no one could come in and interrupt my love and me.


I said to her:

I told her:

'We will fly west to one of the Somersetshire coal-mines, or to one of the Cornwall tin-mines, and we will barricade ourselves against the cloud, and provision ourselves for six months—for it is perfectly feasible, and we have plenty of time, and no crowds to break down our barricades—and there in the deep earth we will live sweetly together, till the danger is overpast.'

'We'll head west to one of the coal mines in Somerset or one of the tin mines in Cornwall, and we'll set up a barricade against the cloud, stocking up supplies for six months—because it’s totally doable, we have plenty of time, and there are no crowds to tear down our barricades—and there in the depths of the earth, we’ll live happily together until the danger passes.'

And she smiled, and drew her hand across my face, and said:

And she smiled, ran her hand across my face, and said:

'No, no: don't you tlust in my God? do you think He would leally let me die?'

'No, no: don't you trust in my God? Do you think He would really let me die?'

For she has appropriated the Almighty God to herself, naming Him 'my God'—the impudence: though she generally knows what she is saying, too. And she would not fly the cloud.

For she has taken the Almighty God for herself, calling Him 'my God'—the audacity: although she usually knows what she’s talking about, too. And she wouldn’t back down.

And I am now writing three weeks later at a little place called Château-les-Roses, and no poison-cloud, and no sign of any poison-cloud, has come. And this I do not understand.

And I am now writing three weeks later from a small place called Château-les-Roses, and there hasn’t been any poison cloud, nor any sign of one. I do not understand this.

It may be that she divined that I was about to destroy myself ... she may be quite capable.... But no, I do not understand, and shall never ask her.

It’s possible she sensed that I was about to ruin my life... she might be totally capable of that. But no, I don’t get it, and I’ll never ask her.

But this I understand: that it is the White who is Master here: that though he wins but by a hair, yet he wins, he wins: and since he wins, dance, dance, my heart.

But this I get: that it is the White who is in charge here: that even if he wins by the smallest margin, he still wins, he wins: and since he wins, dance, dance, my heart.

I look for a race that shall resemble its Mother: nimble-witted, light-minded, pious—like her; all-human, ambidextrous, ambicephalous, two-eyed—like her; and if, like her, they talk the English language with all the r's turned into l's, I shall not care.

I look for a race that resembles its Mother: quick-witted, carefree, religious—like her; fully human, able to use both hands equally well, with two heads and two eyes—like her; and if, like her, they speak English with all the r's pronounced as l's, I won't mind.

They will be vegetable-eaters, I suppose, when all the meat now extant is eaten up: but it is not certain that meat is good for men: and if it is really good, then they will invent a meat: for they will be her sons, and she, to the furthest cycle in which the female human mind is permitted to orbit, is, I swear, all-wise.

They’ll probably be plant-based eaters once all the available meat is consumed. But it’s not clear that meat is actually good for people. And if it is good, then they will definitely create some form of meat because they will be her sons, and she, for as long as the female human mind is allowed to explore, is, I truly believe, all-knowing.

There was a preaching man—a Scotchman he was, named Macintosh, or something like that—who said that the last end of Man shall be well, and very well: and she says the same: and the agreement of these two makes a Truth. And to that I now say: Amen, Amen.

There was a preacher—a Scotsman named Macintosh or something similar—who claimed that in the end, everything will be all right for humanity, and she agrees with him: this shared belief creates a Truth. And to that, I now say: Amen, Amen.

For I, Adam Jeffson, second Parent of the world, hereby lay down, ordain, and decree for all time, clearly perceiving it now: That the one Motto and Watch-word essentially proper to each human individual, and to the whole Race of Man, as distinct from other races in heaven or in earth, was always, and remains, even this: 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.'

For I, Adam Jeffson, the second parent of the world, hereby declare and establish for all time, understanding it now clearly: That the one motto and guiding principle essential to each person and the entire human race, distinct from other races in heaven or on earth, has always been and still is this: 'Even if He kills me, I will still trust in Him.'

THE END.

THE END.


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