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CALEB WILLIAMS
OR THINGS AS THEY ARE
BY WILLIAM GODWIN
WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY ERNEST A. BAKER, M.A.
LONDON
1903
CONTENTS
- DRAMATIS PERSONAE
- INTRODUCTION
- PREFACE
- AUTHOR'S LATEST PREFACE.
- PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION.
- VOLUME THE FIRST.
- VOLUME THE SECOND.
- VOLUME THE THIRD.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MR. FERDINANDO FALKLAND, a high-spirited and highly cultured gentleman, a country squire in "a remote county of England."
CALEB WILLIAMS, a youth, his secretary, the discoverer of his secret, and the supposed narrator of the consequent events.
MR. COLLINS, Falkland's steward and Caleb's friend.
THOMAS, a servant of Falkland's.
MR. FORESTER, Falkland's brother-in-law.
MR. BARNABAS TYRREL, a brutal and tyrannical squire.
MISS EMILY MELVILLE, his cousin and dependent, whom he cruelly maltreats and does to death.
GRIMES, a brutal rustic, suborned by Tyrrel to abduct Miss Melville.
DR. WILSON; MRS. HAMMOND, friends of Miss Melville.
MR. HAWKINS, farmer; YOUNG HAWKINS, his son, Victims of Tyrrel's brutality, and wrongfully hanged as his murderers.
GINES, a robber and thief-taker, instrument of Falkland's vengeance upon Caleb.
MR. RAYMOND, an "Arcadian" captain of robbers.
LARKINS, one of his band.
AN OLD HAG, housekeeper to the robbers.
A GAOLER.
MISS PEGGY, the gaoler's daughter.
MRS. MARNEY, a poor gentlewoman, Caleb's friend in distress.
MR. SPURREL, a friend who informs on Caleb.
MRS. DENISON, a cultivated lady with whom Caleb is for a while on friendly terms.
MR. FERDINANDO FALKLAND, an energetic and well-educated gentleman, a landowner from "a distant county in England."
CALEB WILLIAMS, a young man and Falkland's assistant, who uncovered his secret and is the supposed narrator of the following events.
MR. COLLINS, Falkland's steward and Caleb's friend.
THOMAS, a servant of Falkland's.
MR. FORESTER, Falkland's brother-in-law.
MR. BARNABAS TYRREL, a cruel and oppressive landowner.
MISS EMILY MELVILLE, his cousin and dependent, whom he mistreats severely and drives to her death.
GRIMES, a rough countryman hired by Tyrrel to kidnap Miss Melville.
DR. WILSON; MRS. HAMMOND, friends of Miss Melville.
MR. HAWKINS, a farmer; YOUNG HAWKINS, his son, victims of Tyrrel's brutality, wrongfully hanged as his murderers.
GINES, a thief and bounty hunter, used by Falkland for revenge against Caleb.
MR. RAYMOND, a leader of thieves referred to as an "Arcadian."
LARKINS, a member of his gang.
AN OLD HAG, the housekeeper for the robbers.
A GAOLER.
MISS PEGGY, the gaoler's daughter.
MRS. MARNEY, a struggling gentlewoman and Caleb's friend during hard times.
MR. SPURREL, a friend who provides information about Caleb.
MRS. DENISON, a classy woman who gets along with Caleb for a while.
INTRODUCTION
The reputation of WILLIAM GODWIN as a social philosopher, and the merits of his famous novel, "Caleb Williams," have been for more than a century the subject of extreme divergencies of judgment among critics. "The first systematic anarchist," as he is called by Professor Saintsbury, aroused bitter contention with his writings during his own lifetime, and his opponents have remained so prejudiced that even the staid bibliographer Allibone, in his "Dictionary of English Literature," a place where one would think the most flagitious author safe from animosity, speaks of Godwin's private life in terms that are little less than scurrilous. Over against this persistent acrimony may be put the fine eulogy of Mr. C. Kegan Paul, his biographer, to represent the favourable judgment of our own time, whilst I will venture to quote one remarkable passage that voices the opinions of many among Godwin's most eminent contemporaries.
The reputation of WILLIAM GODWIN as a social philosopher and the value of his famous novel, "Caleb Williams," have been debated for over a century among critics. Professor Saintsbury refers to him as "the first systematic anarchist," a title that sparked intense arguments with his writings during his lifetime. His critics have remained so biased that even the respectable bibliographer Allibone, in his "Dictionary of English Literature," where one would expect even the most notorious authors to be discussed without bias, refers to Godwin's private life in nearly scurrilous terms. In contrast to this ongoing harshness, we have the glowing praise from Mr. C. Kegan Paul, his biographer, which reflects the more favorable views of our time. I will also quote one notable excerpt that captures the opinions of many of Godwin's most distinguished contemporaries.
In "The Letters of Charles Lamb," Sir T.N. Talfourd says:
In "The Letters of Charles Lamb," Sir T.N. Talfourd says:
"Indifferent altogether to the politics of the age, Lamb could not help being struck with productions of its newborn energies so remarkable as the works and the character of Godwin. He seemed to realise in himself what Wordsworth long afterwards described, 'the central calm at the heart of all agitation.' Through the medium of his mind the stormy convulsions of society were seen 'silent as in a picture.' Paradoxes the most daring wore the air of deliberate wisdom as he pronounced them. He foretold the future happiness of mankind, not with the inspiration of the poet, but with the grave and passionless voice of the oracle. There was nothing better calculated at once to feed and to make steady the enthusiasm of youthful patriots than the high speculations in which he taught them to engage, on the nature of social evils and the great destiny of his species. No one would have suspected the author of those wild theories which startled the wise and shocked the prudent in the calm, gentlemanly person who rarely said anything above the most gentle commonplace, and took interest in little beyond the whist-table."
"Completely uninterested in the politics of his time, Lamb couldn't help but be impressed by the remarkable works and character of Godwin, which reflected the fresh energies of the era. He seemed to embody what Wordsworth later described as 'the central calm at the heart of all agitation.' Through his perspective, the chaotic upheavals of society appeared 'silent as in a picture.' Even the boldest paradoxes seemed to express thoughtful wisdom when he stated them. He predicted humanity's future happiness not with a poet's inspiration, but with the serious and emotionless tone of an oracle. There was nothing better designed to inspire and stabilize the enthusiasm of young patriots than the lofty ideas he encouraged them to explore regarding social injustices and the grand destiny of humankind. No one would have guessed that the author of those radical theories, which astonished the wise and unsettled the cautious, was the calm, refined man who seldom spoke anything beyond the most polite pleasantries and showed interest in little more than the whist table."
WILLIAM GODWIN (1756-1836) was son and grandson of Dissenting ministers, and was destined for the same profession. In theology he began as a Calvinist, and for a while was tinctured with the austere doctrines of the Sandemanians. But his religious views soon took an unorthodox turn, and in 1782, falling out with his congregation at Stowmarket, he came up to London to earn his bread henceforward as a man of letters. In 1793 Godwin became one of the most famous men in England by the publication of his "Political Justice," a work that his biographer would place side by side with the "Speech for Unlicensed Printing," the "Essay on Education," and "Emile," as one of "the unseen levers which have moved the changes of the times." Although the book came out at what we should call a "prohibitive price," it had an enormous circulation, and brought its author in something like 1,000 guineas. In his first novel, "Caleb Williams," which was published the next year, he illustrated in scenes from real life many of the principles enunciated in his philosophical work. "Caleb Williams" went through a number of editions, and was dramatized by Colman the younger under the title of "The Iron Chest." It has now been out of print for many years. Godwin wrote several other novels, but one alone is readable now, "St. Leon," which is philosophical in idea and purpose, and contains some passages of singular eloquence and beauty.
WILLIAM GODWIN (1756-1836) was the son and grandson of nonconformist ministers and was expected to follow in their footsteps. He started as a Calvinist in theology and briefly adopted the strict beliefs of the Sandemanians. However, his religious beliefs soon became unconventional, and in 1782, after a disagreement with his congregation in Stowmarket, he moved to London to make a living as a writer. In 1793, Godwin rose to fame in England with the publication of his book "Political Justice," which his biographer compared to works like the "Speech for Unlicensed Printing," the "Essay on Education," and "Emile," describing it as one of "the unseen levers that have driven the changes of the times." Although the book was priced at what we would now call a "prohibitive price," it sold extremely well and earned him about 1,000 guineas. His first novel, "Caleb Williams," published the following year, depicted many of the ideas presented in his philosophical work through real-life scenarios. "Caleb Williams" went through several editions and was adapted for the stage by Colman the younger under the title "The Iron Chest." It has been out of print for many years. Godwin wrote several other novels, but only one remains readable today, "St. Leon," which is philosophical in theme and contains some passages of remarkable eloquence and beauty.
Godwin married the authoress of the "Rights of Woman," Mary Wollstonecraft, in 1797, losing her the same year. Their daughter was the gifted wife of the poet Shelley. He was a social man, particularly fond of whist, and was on terms of intimacy and affection with many celebrated men and women. Tom Paine, Josiah Wedgwood, and Curran were among his closest male friends, while the story of his friendships with Mrs. Inchbald, Amelia Opie, with the lady immortalized by Shelley as Maria Gisborne, and with those literary sisters, Sophia and Harriet Lee, authors of the "Canterbury Tales," has a certain sentimental interest. Afterwards he became known to Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Lamb. He married Mrs. Clairmont in 1801. His later years were clouded by great embarrassments, and not till 1833 was he put out of reach of the worst privations by the gift of a small sinecure, that of yeoman usher of the Exchequer. He died in 1836.
Godwin married the author of "A Vindication of the Rights of Woman," Mary Wollstonecraft, in 1797, only to lose her that same year. Their daughter became the talented wife of the poet Shelley. He was a sociable man, particularly fond of whist, and had close relationships with many famous men and women. Tom Paine, Josiah Wedgwood, and Curran were among his closest male friends, while his friendships with Mrs. Inchbald, Amelia Opie, the woman immortalized by Shelley as Maria Gisborne, and the literary sisters, Sophia and Harriet Lee, authors of "The Canterbury Tales," have a certain sentimental charm. Later on, he became acquainted with Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Lamb. He married Mrs. Clairmont in 1801. His later years were marked by significant difficulties, and it wasn't until 1833 that he was relieved from the worst hardships by receiving a small sinecure as the yeoman usher of the Exchequer. He passed away in 1836.
Among the contradictory judgments passed on "Caleb Williams" by Godwin's contemporaries those of Hazlitt, Sir James Mackintosh, and Sir T. N. Talfourd were perhaps the most eulogistic, whilst De Quincey and Allan Cunningham criticized the book with considerable severity. Hazlitt's opinion is quoted from the "Spirit of the Age":
Among the conflicting opinions on "Caleb Williams" from Godwin's contemporaries, those of Hazlitt, Sir James Mackintosh, and Sir T. N. Talfourd were probably the most praising, while De Quincey and Allan Cunningham criticized the book quite harshly. Hazlitt's viewpoint is quoted from the "Spirit of the Age":
"A masterpiece, both as to invention and execution. The romantic and chivalrous principle of the love of personal fame is embodied in the finest possible manner in the character of Falkland; as in Caleb Williams (who is not the first, but the second character in the piece), we see the very demon of curiosity personified. Perhaps the art with which these two characters are contrived to relieve and set off each other has never been surpassed by any work of fiction, with the exception of the immortal satire of Cervantes."
"A masterpiece, both in its creation and execution. The romantic and chivalrous idea of loving personal fame is perfectly embodied in the character of Falkland; in Caleb Williams (who isn't the first but the second character in the story), we see the very embodiment of curiosity. The skill with which these two characters are designed to complement and counterbalance each other has likely never been surpassed in any work of fiction, except for the timeless satire of Cervantes."
Sir Leslie Stephen said of it the other day:
Sir Leslie Stephen mentioned it the other day:
"It has lived—though in comparative obscurity—for over a century, and high authorities tell us that vitality prolonged for that period raises a presumption that a book deserves the title of classic."—National Review, February, 1902.
"It has existed—albeit in relative obscurity—for over a century, and respected authorities indicate that a sustained life span like this suggests a book is worthy of being called a classic."—National Review, February, 1902.
To understand how the work came to be written, and its aim, it is advisable to read carefully all three of Godwin's prefaces, more particularly the last and the most candid, written in 1832. This will, I think, dispose of the objection that the story was expressly constructed to illustrate a moral, a moral that, as Sir Leslie Stephen says, "eludes him." He says:
To understand how the work was created and its purpose, it's best to read all three of Godwin's prefaces closely, especially the last one, which is the most straightforward, written in 1832. I believe this will address the concern that the story was specifically designed to convey a moral, a moral that, as Sir Leslie Stephen points out, "eludes him." He states:
"I formed a conception of a book of fictitious adventure that should in some way be distinguished by a very powerful interest. Pursuing this idea, I invented first the third volume of my tale, then the second, and, last of all, the first. I bent myself to the conception of a series of adventures of flight and pursuit; the fugitive in perpetual apprehension of being overwhelmed with the worst calamities, and the pursuer, by his ingenuity and resources, keeping his victim in a state of the most fearful alarm. This was the project of my third volume."
"I had an idea for a book of fictional adventures that would be marked by a strong sense of intrigue. Following this idea, I first created the third volume of my story, then the second, and finally the first. I focused on the concept of a series of adventures involving escape and pursuit; the runaway constantly fearing the worst disasters, while the pursuer, using his cleverness and skills, kept his target in a state of extreme anxiety. This was the plan for my third volume."
He goes on to describe in more detail the "dramatic and impressive" situations and the "fearful events" that were to be evolved, making it pretty clear that the purpose somewhat vaguely and cautiously outlined in the earliest preface was rather of the nature of an afterthought. Falkland is not intended to be a personification of the evils caused by the social system, nor is he put forward as the inevitable product of that system. The reader's attention is chiefly absorbed by the extraordinary contest between Caleb Williams and Falkland, and in the tragic situations that it involves. Compared with these the denunciation of the social system is a matter of secondary interest; but it was natural that the author of the "Political Justice," with his mind preoccupied by the defects of the English social system, should make those defects the, evil agencies of his plot. As the essential conditions of the series of events, as the machinery by which everything is brought about, these defects are of the utmost importance to the story. It is the accused system that awards to Tyrrel and Falkland their immense preponderance in society, and enables them to use the power of the law for the most nefarious ends. Tyrrel does his cousin to death and ruins his tenant, a man of integrity, by means of the law. This is the occasion of Falkland's original crime. His more heinous offence, the abandonment of the innocent Hawkinses to the gallows, is the consequence of what Godwin expressly denounces, punishment for murder. "I conceived it to be in the highest degree absurd and iniquitous, to cut off a man qualified for the most essential and extensive utility, merely out of retrospect to an act which, whatever were its merits, could not be retrieved." Then a new element is imported into the train of causation, Caleb's insatiable curiosity, and the strife begins between these well-matched antagonists, the man of wealth and station utilizing all the advantages granted him by the state of society to crush his enemy. Godwin, then, was justified in declaring that his book comprehended "a general view of the modes of domestic and unrecorded despotism by which man becomes the destroyer of man." Such were the words of the original preface, which was suppressed for a short time owing to the fears caused by the trial of Horne Tooke, Thomas Holcroft and other revolutionists, with whom Godwin was in profound sympathy. Had he intended "Caleb Williams," however, from its first inception, to be an imaginative version of the "Political Justice," he would have had to invent a different plan and different characters. The arguments of a sociological novel lack cogency unless the characters are fairly representative of average mankind. Godwin's principal actors are both, to say the least, exceptional. They are lofty idealizations of certain virtues and powers of mind. Falkland is like Jean Valjean, a superhuman creature; and, indeed, "Caleb Williams" may well be compared on one side with "Les Misérables," for Victor Hugo's avowed purpose, likewise, was the denunciation of social tyranny. But the characteristics that would have weakened the implied theorem, had such been the main object, are the very things that make the novel more powerful as drama of a grandiose, spiritual kind. The high and concentrated imagination that created such a being as Falkland, and the intensity of passion with which Caleb's fatal energy of mind is sustained through that long, despairing struggle, are of greater artistic value than the mechanical symmetry by which morals are illustrated.
He goes on to describe in more detail the "dramatic and impressive" situations and the "fearful events" that follow, making it pretty clear that the purpose somewhat vaguely and cautiously outlined in the earliest preface was more of an afterthought. Falkland is not meant to represent the evils caused by the social system, nor is he presented as the inevitable result of that system. The reader's attention is mainly captured by the extraordinary conflict between Caleb Williams and Falkland, along with the tragic situations that arise from it. Compared to these, the criticism of the social system is less interesting; however, it was natural for the author of "Political Justice," who was focused on the flaws of the English social system, to make those flaws the harmful forces in his plot. As the essential conditions of the events and the mechanism by which everything happens, these flaws are crucial to the story. It is the criticized system that gives Tyrrel and Falkland their significant advantage in society, allowing them to misuse the power of the law for their malicious ends. Tyrrel kills his cousin and ruins his honest tenant by using the law. This leads to Falkland's original crime. His more terrible offense, abandoning the innocent Hawkinses to the gallows, stems from what Godwin explicitly condemns, punishment for murder. "I thought it to be completely absurd and unjust to execute a man capable of great and essential good, merely due to a past act that, regardless of its merits, cannot be undone." Then, a new factor enters the chain of events: Caleb's insatiable curiosity, and the struggle begins between these equally matched opponents, the wealthy man using all the advantages given to him by society to defeat his enemy. Godwin was therefore justified in stating that his book included "a general view of the modes of domestic and unrecorded despotism by which man becomes the destroyer of man." Such were the words of the original preface, which was briefly suppressed due to the fears surrounding the trial of Horne Tooke, Thomas Holcroft, and other revolutionaries, with whom Godwin was deeply sympathetic. However, if he had intended "Caleb Williams" from the beginning to be an imaginative version of "Political Justice," he would have needed to create a different plan and different characters. The arguments of a sociological novel lack impact unless the characters are fairly representative of average people. Godwin's main characters are both, at the very least, exceptional. They are lofty ideals of certain virtues and mental powers. Falkland is like Jean Valjean, a superhuman figure; indeed, "Caleb Williams" can be compared to "Les Misérables," as Victor Hugo's declared purpose was also to denounce social tyranny. But the traits that might have weakened the implied argument, if that had been the primary goal, are precisely what make the novel more powerful as a grand, spiritual drama. The elevated and focused imagination that created a character like Falkland, along with the intensity of passion that keeps Caleb's desperate struggle alive, are of greater artistic value than the mechanical symmetry used to illustrate morals.
E. A. B.
E. A. B.
PREFACE
BY THE AUTHOR.
The following narrative is intended to answer a purpose more general and important than immediately appears upon the face of it. The question now afloat in the world respecting THINGS AS THEY ARE is the most interesting that can be presented to the human mind. While one party pleads for reformation and change, the other extols in the warmest terms the existing constitution of society. It seemed as if something would be gained for the decision of this question if that constitution were faithfully developed in its practical effects. What is now presented to the public is no refined and abstract speculation; it is a study and delineation of things passing in the moral world. It is but of late that the inestimable importance of political principles has been adequately apprehended. It is now known to philosophers that the spirit and character of the Government intrudes itself into every rank of society. But this is a truth highly worthy to be communicated to persons whom books of philosophy and science are never likely to reach. Accordingly, it was proposed, in the invention of the following work, to comprehend, as far as the progressive nature of a single story would allow, a general review of the modes of domestic and unrecorded despotism by which man becomes the destroyer of man. If the author shall have taught a valuable lesson, without subtracting from the interest and passion by which a performance of this sort ought to be characterised, he will have reason to congratulate himself upon the vehicle he has chosen.
The following story aims to address a purpose that is broader and more significant than it may initially seem. The question currently being discussed around the world about THINGS AS THEY ARE is one of the most compelling that can engage the human mind. While one side argues for reforms and changes, the other passionately defends the current structure of society. It seemed that we might gain something valuable for resolving this question if we thoroughly examined that structure and its practical effects. What is now being presented to the public is not some abstract theory; it is a study and description of events happening in the moral world. Only recently have we fully understood the immense importance of political principles. Philosophers now recognize that the spirit and character of the Government influence every level of society. This is a vital truth that should be shared with people who are unlikely to engage with philosophical and scientific texts. Thus, it was intended in creating this work to provide, as much as the evolving nature of a single story allows, a broad overview of the forms of domestic and unrecorded tyranny that lead people to harm one another. If the author manages to convey a valuable lesson without diminishing the interest and intensity that such a work should have, he will have reason to be pleased with the approach he has chosen.
May 12, 1794.
May 12, 1794.
This preface was withdrawn in the original edition, in compliance with the alarms of booksellers. "Caleb Williams" made his first appearance in the world in the same month in which the sanguinary plot broke out against the liberties of Englishmen, which was happily terminated by the acquittal of its first intended victims in the close of that year. Terror was the order of the day; and it was feared that even the humble novelist might be shown to be constructively a traitor.
This preface was removed in the original edition due to the concerns of booksellers. "Caleb Williams" was first published in the same month that a violent plot against the rights of English people emerged, which was fortunately resolved by the acquittal of its first intended victims at the end of that year. Fear was everywhere, and there was concern that even a simple novelist could be seen as a traitor by association.
October 29, 1795.
October 29, 1795.
AUTHOR'S LATEST PREFACE.
LONDON, November 20, 1832.
LONDON, November 20, 1832.
"CALEB WILLIAMS" has always been regarded by the public with an unusual degree of favour. The proprietor of "THE STANDARD NOVELS" has therefore imagined that even an account of the concoction and mode of writing of the work would be viewed with some interest.
"CALEB WILLIAMS" has always been looked at by the public with a unique level of appreciation. The owner of "THE STANDARD NOVELS" has therefore thought that even a description of how the book was created and written would attract some interest.
I finished the "Enquiry concerning Political Justice," the first work which may be considered as written by me in a certain degree in the maturity of my intellectual powers, and bearing my name, early in January, 1793; and about the middle of the following month the book was published. It was my fortune at that time to be obliged to consider my pen as the sole instrument for supplying my current expenses. By the liberality of my bookseller, Mr. George Robinson, of Paternoster Row, I was enabled then, and for nearly ten years before, to meet these expenses, while writing different things of obscure note, the names of which, though innocent and in some degree useful, I am rather inclined to suppress. In May, 1791, I projected this, my favourite work, and from that time gave up every other occupation that might interfere with it. My agreement with Robinson was that he was to supply my wants at a specified rate while the book was in the train of composition. Finally, I was very little beforehand with the world on the day of its publication, and was therefore obliged to look round and consider to what species of industry I should next devote myself.
I finished "Enquiry concerning Political Justice," the first work that reflects a certain level of maturity in my intellectual abilities and bears my name, in early January 1793; the book was published about mid-February the same year. At that time, I had to rely on writing as my only means to cover my living expenses. Thanks to the generosity of my bookseller, Mr. George Robinson, of Paternoster Row, I was able to manage these expenses for nearly the past ten years while writing various lesser-known works, the titles of which I’m inclined to keep to myself, even though they were innocent and somewhat useful. In May 1791, I came up with the idea for this favorite project of mine and committed to it fully, leaving behind any other jobs that might distract me. My agreement with Robinson was that he would support me at a set rate while I was working on the book. Ultimately, I was not very far ahead of the publishing date, so I had to think about what type of work I should pursue next.
I had always felt in myself some vocation towards the composition of a narrative of fictitious adventure; and among the things of obscure note which I have above referred to were two or three pieces of this nature. It is not therefore extraordinary that some project of the sort should have suggested itself on the present occasion.
I had always sensed in myself a calling to write a story about fictional adventures, and among the little-known things I mentioned earlier were two or three pieces like that. So it’s not surprising that a project like this came to mind now.
But I stood now in a very different situation from that in which I had been placed at a former period. In past years, and even almost from boyhood, I was perpetually prone to exclaim with Cowley:
But I found myself in a completely different situation than the one I had been in before. In previous years, and even since I was a kid, I was always inclined to exclaim with Cowley:
"What shall I do to be for ever known,
"What should I do to be remembered forever,
And make the age to come my own?"
And make the future my own?
But I had endeavoured for ten years, and was as far from approaching my object as ever. Everything I wrote fell dead-born from the press. Very often I was disposed to quit the enterprise in despair. But still I felt ever and anon impelled to repeat my effort.
But I had tried for ten years and was just as far from reaching my goal as ever. Everything I wrote was a complete flop. Many times, I felt like giving up in frustration. But still, I often felt driven to keep trying.
At length I conceived the plan of Political Justice. I was convinced that my object of building to myself a name would never be attained by merely repeating and refining a little upon what other men had said, even though I should imagine that I delivered things of this sort with a more than usual point and elegance. The world, I believed, would accept nothing from me with distinguishing favour that did not bear upon the face of it the undoubted stamp of originality. Having long ruminated upon the principles of Political Justice, I persuaded myself that I could offer to the public, in a treatise on this subject, things at once new, true, and important. In the progress of the work I became more sanguine and confident. I talked over my ideas with a few familiar friends during its progress, and they gave me every generous encouragement. It happened that the fame of my book, in some inconsiderable degree, got before its publication, and a certain number of persons were prepared to receive it with favour. It would be false modesty in me to say that its acceptance, when published, did not nearly come up to everything that could soberly have been expected by me. In consequence of this, the tone of my mind, both during the period in which I was engaged in the work and afterwards, acquired a certain elevation, and made me now unwilling to stoop to what was insignificant.
Eventually, I came up with the idea for Political Justice. I was sure that I could never make a name for myself by just repeating and slightly refining what others had said, even if I thought I was presenting it with a bit more flair and style. I believed that the world wouldn't appreciate anything from me unless it clearly showed innovation. After thinking deeply about the principles of Political Justice, I convinced myself that I could present new, true, and important ideas to the public in a book on the subject. As I worked on it, I became more optimistic and confident. I shared my ideas with a few close friends during the process, and they gave me all the support I could ask for. Interestingly, some buzz about my book got out before its release, and several people were ready to welcome it. It would be false modesty for me to say that its reception, when published, didn't nearly meet my expectations. Because of this, my mindset, both while I was working on the book and afterwards, took on a certain uplift, making me less willing to settle for anything trivial.
I formed a conception of a book of fictitious adventure that should in some way be distinguished by a very powerful interest. Pursuing this idea, I invented first the third volume of my tale, then the second, and last of all the first. I bent myself to the conception of a series of adventures of flight and pursuit; the fugitive in perpetual apprehension of being overwhelmed with the worst calamities, and the pursuer, by his ingenuity and resources, keeping his victim in a state of the most fearful alarm. This was the project of my third volume. I was next called upon to conceive a dramatic and impressive situation adequate to account for the impulse that the pursuer should feel, incessantly to alarm and harass his victim, with an inextinguishable resolution never to allow him the least interval of peace and security. This I apprehended could best be effected by a secret murder, to the investigation of which the innocent victim should be impelled by an unconquerable spirit of curiosity. The murderer would thus have a sufficient motive to persecute the unhappy discoverer, that he might deprive him of peace, character, and credit, and have him for ever in his power. This constituted the outline of my second volume.
I came up with the idea for a fictional adventure book that would stand out for its intense drama. Following this idea, I first created the third volume of my story, then the second, and finally the first. I focused on a series of adventures involving escape and pursuit; the fugitive constantly fearing the worst disasters, while the pursuer used his cleverness and resources to keep his target in a state of extreme anxiety. This was the plan for my third volume. Next, I needed to come up with a dramatic and impactful situation that would justify the pursuer’s relentless drive to scare and torment his victim, never giving him a moment of peace or safety. I thought this would work best through a secret murder, which would ignite the innocent victim’s unquenchable curiosity. The murderer would then have a strong motive to chase after the unfortunate discoverer, seeking to rob him of his peace, reputation, and credibility, keeping him forever at his mercy. This formed the basis of my second volume.
The subject of the first volume was still to be invented. To account for the fearful events of the third, it was necessary that the pursuer should be invested with every advantage of fortune, with a resolution that nothing could defeat or baffle, and with extraordinary resources of intellect. Nor could my purpose of giving an overpowering interest to my tale be answered without his appearing to have been originally endowed with a mighty store of amiable dispositions and virtues, so that his being driven to the first act of murder should be judged worthy of the deepest regret, and should be seen in some measure to have arisen out of his virtues themselves. It was necessary to make him, so to speak, the tenant of an atmosphere of romance, so that every reader should feel prompted almost to worship him for his high qualities. Here were ample materials for a first volume.
The topic of the first volume still needed to be created. To explain the terrifying events of the third, the pursuer had to be given every advantage of luck, along with a determination that nothing could overcome or confuse, and with exceptional intellectual resources. Additionally, my goal of making my story compelling couldn’t be achieved without him seeming like he was originally blessed with a strong set of kind traits and virtues, so that his being pushed to commit murder could be seen as deeply tragic and could also be understood as partly stemming from his own virtues. It was essential to place him, so to speak, in a romantic setting, to the point that every reader would feel inspired to almost admire him for his noble qualities. Here were plenty of ideas for a first volume.
I felt that I had a great advantage in thus carrying back my invention from the ultimate conclusion to the first commencement of the train of adventures upon which I purposed to employ my pen. An entire unity of plot would be the infallible result; and the unity of spirit and interest in a tale truly considered gives it a powerful hold on the reader, which can scarcely be generated with equal success in any other way.
I felt that I had a significant advantage by bringing my invention back from the final conclusion to the very beginning of the chain of events I planned to write about. It would result in a complete unity of plot; and a cohesive spirit and interest in a well-thought-out story give it a strong grip on the reader, which is hard to achieve as effectively in any other manner.
I devoted about two or three weeks to the imagining and putting down hints for my story before I engaged seriously and methodically in its composition. In these hints I began with my third volume, then proceeded to my second, and last of all grappled with the first. I filled two or three sheets of demy writing-paper, folded in octavo, with these memorandums. They were put down with great brevity, yet explicitly enough to secure a perfect recollection of their meaning, within the time necessary for drawing out the story at full, in short paragraphs of two, three, four, five, or six lines each.
I spent about two or three weeks brainstorming and jotting down ideas for my story before I started working on it seriously and methodically. In these notes, I began with my third volume, then moved on to my second, and finally tackled the first. I filled two or three sheets of standard writing paper, folded in octavo size, with these notes. They were written briefly, but clearly enough to ensure I remembered their meaning when it came time to expand the story into short paragraphs of two, three, four, five, or six lines each.
I then sat down to write my story from the beginning. I wrote for the most part but a short portion in any single day. I wrote only when the afflatus was upon me. I held it for a maxim that any portion that was written when I was not fully in the vein told for considerably worse than nothing. Idleness was a thousand times better in this case than industry against the grain. Idleness was only time lost; and the next day, it may be, was as promising as ever. It was merely a day perished from the calendar. But a passage written feebly, flatly, and in a wrong spirit, constituted an obstacle that it was next to impossible to correct and set right again. I wrote therefore by starts; sometimes for a week or ten days not a line. Yet all came to the same thing in the sequel. On an average, a volume of "Caleb Williams" cost me four months, neither less nor more.
I then sat down to write my story from the beginning. I mostly wrote only a small part each day. I only wrote when inspiration hit me. I believed it was a rule that anything written when I wasn’t fully in the mood turned out to be much worse than worthless. Sometimes doing nothing was a thousand times better than forcing it. Idleness was just lost time; the next day might be as promising as ever. It was just a day gone from the calendar. But a passage written poorly, lifelessly, and in the wrong spirit created a barrier that was nearly impossible to fix. So, I wrote in bursts; sometimes I wouldn’t write a single line for a week or ten days. Yet, it all worked out the same in the end. On average, a volume of "Caleb Williams" took me four months, neither more nor less.
It must be admitted, however, that during the whole period, bating a few intervals, my mind was in a high state of excitement. I said to myself a thousand times, "I will write a tale that shall constitute an epoch in the mind of the reader, that no one, after he has read it, shall ever be exactly the same man that he was before."—I put these things down just as they happened, and with the most entire frankness. I know that it will sound like the most pitiable degree of self-conceit. But such perhaps ought to be the state of mind of an author when he does his best. At any rate, I have said nothing of my vainglorious impulse for nearly forty years.
I have to admit that throughout that entire time, aside from a few breaks, I was really fired up. I told myself a thousand times, "I'm going to write a story that will make a mark in the reader's mind, so that no one will be exactly the same after finishing it."—I wrote everything down just as it happened, with complete honesty. I know it might come off as pretty arrogant. But maybe that's how an author should feel when they're giving it their all. Anyway, I haven't mentioned my boastful feelings in almost forty years.
When I had written about seven-tenths of the first volume, I was prevailed upon by the extreme importunity of an old and intimate friend to allow him the perusal of my manuscript. On the second day he returned it with a note to this purpose: "I return you your manuscript, because I promised to do so. If I had obeyed the impulse of my own mind, I should have thrust it in the fire. If you persist, the book will infallibly prove the grave of your literary fame."
When I had written about seventy percent of the first volume, an old and close friend convinced me to let him read my manuscript. The next day, he returned it with a note that said: "I’m returning your manuscript because I promised I would. If I had followed my own instincts, I would have thrown it in the fire. If you keep going, this book will definitely ruin your literary reputation."
I doubtless felt no implicit deference for the judgment of my friendly critic. Yet it cost me at least two days of deep anxiety before I recovered the shock. Let the reader picture to himself my situation. I felt no implicit deference for the judgment of my friendly critic. But it was all I had for it. This was my first experiment of an unbiassed decision. It stood in the place of all the world to me. I could not, and I did not feel disposed to, appeal any further. If I had, how could I tell that the second and third judgment would be more favourable than the first? Then what would have been the result? No; I had nothing for it but to wrap myself in my own integrity. By dint of resolution I became invulnerable. I resolved to go on to the end, trusting as I could to my own anticipations of the whole, and bidding the world wait its time before it should be admitted to the consult.
I definitely didn’t have any blind respect for my friendly critic’s opinion. Still, it took me at least two days of serious anxiety to recover from the shock. Imagine my situation. I had no blind respect for my critic’s opinion, but it was all I had. This was my first experience with an unbiased decision. It meant everything to me. I couldn’t, and I didn’t feel like, asking for opinions again. If I did, how could I know that the second and third opinions would be any better than the first? What would that have led to? No; I had no choice but to rely on my own integrity. With determination, I became untouchable. I decided to see it through to the end, trusting as much as I could in my own vision of the whole picture, and telling the world to wait its turn before it got to weigh in.
I began my narrative, as is the more usual way, in the third person. But I speedily became dissatisfied. I then assumed the first person, making the hero of my tale his own historian; and in this mode I have persisted in all my subsequent attempts at works of fiction. It was infinitely the best adapted, at least, to my vein of delineation, where the thing in which my imagination revelled the most freely was the analysis of the private and internal operations of the mind, employing my metaphysical dissecting knife in tracing and laying bare the involutions of motive, and recording the gradually accumulating impulses which led the personages I had to describe primarily to adopt the particular way of proceeding in which they afterwards embarked.
I started my story, like most do, in the third person. But I quickly became unhappy with that approach. So, I switched to the first person, allowing the protagonist of my tale to narrate their own history; and I’ve stuck with this style in all my later fiction. It suited my style much better, especially since what fascinated me the most was analyzing the private and internal workings of the mind. I used my metaphysical dissecting knife to trace and reveal the complexities of motive and to document the build-up of impulses that led the characters I was writing about to choose the specific paths they eventually took.
When I had determined on the main purpose of my story, it was ever my method to get about me any productions of former authors that seemed to bear on my subject. I never entertained the fear that in this way of proceeding I should be in danger of servilely copying my predecessors. I imagined that I had a vein of thinking that was properly my own, which would always preserve me from plagiarism. I read other authors, that I might see what they had done, or, more properly, that I might forcibly hold my mind and occupy my thoughts in a particular train, I and my predecessors travelling in some sense to the same goal, at the same time that I struck out a path of my own, without ultimately heeding the direction they pursued, and disdaining to inquire whether by any chance it for a few steps coincided or did not coincide with mine.
When I figured out the main purpose of my story, I always made it a habit to gather works from past authors that seemed relevant to my topic. I never worried that this approach would lead me to blindly copy my predecessors. I believed I had a unique way of thinking that would protect me from plagiarism. I read other authors to see what they had created, or more accurately, to keep my mind engaged and focused on a specific direction, with both my predecessors and I somewhat aiming for the same goal, while I forged my own path, not ultimately caring whether it occasionally aligned with theirs or not.
Thus, in the instance of "Caleb Williams," I read over a little old book, entitled "The Adventures of Mademoiselle de St. Phale," a French Protestant in the times of the fiercest persecution of the Huguenots, who fled through France in the utmost terror, in the midst of eternal alarms and hair-breadth escapes, having her quarters perpetually beaten up, and by scarcely any chance finding a moment's interval of security. I turned over the pages of a tremendous compilation, entitled "God's Revenge against Murder," where the beam of the eye of Omniscience was represented as perpetually pursuing the guilty, and laying open his most hidden retreats to the light of day. I was extremely conversant with the "Newgate Calendar" and the "Lives of the Pirates." In the meantime no works of fiction came amiss to me, provided they were written with energy. The authors were still employed upon the same mine as myself, however different was the vein they pursued: we were all of us engaged in exploring the entrails of mind and motive, and in tracing the various rencontres and clashes that may occur between man and man in the diversified scene of human life.
So, in the case of "Caleb Williams," I read this little old book called "The Adventures of Mademoiselle de St. Phale," about a French Protestant during the peak of Huguenot persecution. She fled through France in absolute terror, constantly facing danger and narrow escapes, always being forced to move and rarely finding a moment of safety. I also flipped through a heavy book called "God's Revenge against Murder," where the all-seeing gaze of God was depicted as always chasing the guilty, exposing their deepest secrets. I was pretty familiar with the "Newgate Calendar" and the "Lives of the Pirates." In the meantime, I enjoyed all kinds of fiction, as long as they were written with passion. The authors were all working on similar themes as I was, even if they approached them differently: we were all exploring the depths of the mind and motives and examining the various encounters and conflicts that can happen between people in the complex landscape of human life.
I rather amused myself with tracing a certain similitude between the story of Caleb Williams and the tale of Bluebeard, than derived any hints from that admirable specimen of the terrific. Falkland was my Bluebeard, who had perpetrated atrocious crimes, which, if discovered, he might expect to have all the world roused to revenge against him. Caleb Williams was the wife who, in spite of warning, persisted in his attempts to discover the forbidden secret; and, when he had succeeded, struggled as fruitlessly to escape the consequences, as the wife of Bluebeard in washing the key of the ensanguined chamber, who, as often as she cleared the stain of blood from the one side, found it showing itself with frightful distinctness on the other.
I found myself rather entertained by drawing a comparison between the story of Caleb Williams and the tale of Bluebeard, rather than gaining any insights from that remarkable example of horror. Falkland was my Bluebeard, who had committed terrible crimes, which, if revealed, would surely provoke the world to seek revenge against him. Caleb Williams was like the wife who, despite warnings, kept trying to uncover the forbidden secret; and when he finally succeeded, he struggled as hopelessly to escape the consequences as Bluebeard's wife did when she tried to wash the key to the blood-stained room, always finding that, no matter how often she cleaned the blood from one side, it would reappear menacingly on the other.
When I had proceeded as far as the early pages of my third volume, I found myself completely at a stand. I rested on my arms from the 2nd of January, 1794, to the 1st of April following, without getting forward in the smallest degree. It has ever been thus with me in works of any continuance. The bow will not be for ever bent:
When I had gotten through the early pages of my third volume, I found myself completely stuck. I took a break from January 2, 1794, to April 1 of the same year, without making any progress at all. It has always been like this for me with long-term projects. You can't keep the bow bent forever:
"Opere in longo fas est obrepere somnum."
"Long works can indeed bring on sleep."
I endeavoured, however, to take my repose to myself in security, and not to inflict a set of crude and incoherent dreams upon my readers. In the meantime, when I revived, I revived in earnest, and in the course of that month carried on my work with unabated speed to the end.
I tried to rest while feeling safe and not to burden my readers with a bunch of jumbled and confusing dreams. In the meantime, when I bounced back, I did so genuinely, and throughout that month, I continued my work with relentless energy until it was finished.
Thus I have endeavoured to give a true history of the concoction and mode of writing of this mighty trifle. When I had done, I soon became sensible that I had done in a manner nothing. How many flat and insipid parts does the book contain! How terribly unequal does it appear to me! From time to time the author plainly reels to and fro like a drunken man. And, when I had done all, what had I done? Written a book to amuse boys and girls in their vacant hours, a story to be hastily gobbled up by them, swallowed in a pusillanimous and unanimated mood, without chewing and digestion. I was in this respect greatly impressed with the confession of one of the most accomplished readers and excellent critics that any author could have fallen in with (the unfortunate Joseph Gerald). He told me that he had received my book late one evening, and had read through the three volumes before he closed his eyes. Thus, what had cost me twelve months' labour, ceaseless heartaches and industry, now sinking in despair, and now roused and sustained in unusual energy, he went over in a few hours, shut the book, laid himself on his pillow, slept, and was refreshed, and cried,
So I’ve tried to give a real account of how this grand little piece was created and written. Once I finished, I quickly realized that I hadn’t really achieved much. How many dull and lifeless sections does the book have! It seems so uneven to me! At times, the author clearly stumbles around like a tipsy person. And after all my effort, what did I really accomplish? I wrote a book to entertain kids in their spare time, a story to be quickly devoured by them, swallowed in a tired and uninspired way, without any real thought or appreciation. I was particularly struck by the confession of one of the most skilled readers and great critics an author could meet (the poor Joseph Gerald). He told me that he received my book late one night and read through all three volumes before going to sleep. So, what took me a year of hard work, endless heartaches, and fluctuations from despair to bursts of energy, he finished in just a few hours, closed the book, laid down on his pillow, slept, felt refreshed, and exclaimed,
"To-morrow to fresh woods and pastures new."
"Tomorrow to new woods and fresh pastures."
I had thought to have said something here respecting the concoction of "St. Leon" and "Fleetwood." But all that occurs to me on the subject seems to be anticipated in the following
I had planned to say something here about the combination of "St. Leon" and "Fleetwood." But everything I think of on the topic seems to be covered in the following
PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION.
February 14, 1805.
February 14, 1805.
Yet another novel from the same pen, which has twice before claimed the patience of the public in this form. The unequivocal indulgence which has been extended to my two former attempts, renders me doubly solicitous not to forfeit the kindness I have experienced.
Yet another novel from the same author, who has previously asked the public for patience twice in this format. The clear support I've received for my two earlier works makes me even more eager not to lose the goodwill I've had.
One caution I have particularly sought to exercise: "not to repeat myself." Caleb Williams was a story of very surprising and uncommon events, but which were supposed to be entirely within the laws and established course of nature, as she operates in the planet we inhabit. The story of St. Leon is of the miraculous class; and its design, to "mix human feelings and passions with incredible situations, and thus render them impressive and interesting."
One caution I've really tried to keep in mind is "not to repeat myself." Caleb Williams was a story filled with surprising and unusual events, but they were thought to be completely in line with the laws and natural order of the world we live in. The story of St. Leon belongs to the miraculous genre; its goal is to "blend human emotions and passions with extraordinary situations, making them impactful and engaging."
Some of those fastidious readers—they may be classed among the best friends an author has, if their admonitions are judiciously considered—who are willing to discover those faults which do not offer themselves to every eye, have remarked that both these tales are in a vicious style of writing; that Horace has long ago decided that the story we cannot believe we are by all the laws of criticism called upon to hate; and that even the adventures of the honest secretary, who was first heard of ten years ago, are so much out of the usual road that not one reader in a million can ever fear they will happen to himself.
Some of those meticulous readers—they could be considered some of the best friends an author has if their feedback is taken seriously—who are eager to point out flaws that aren't obvious to everyone, have noted that both of these stories have a problematic writing style; that Horace concluded long ago that if we can’t believe a story, we are, by all the rules of criticism, supposed to dislike it; and that even the adventures of the honest secretary, who first appeared ten years ago, are so far from the norm that not a single reader in a million could ever worry that they might happen to them.
Gentlemen critics, I thank you. In the present volumes I have served you with a dish agreeable to your own receipt, though I cannot say with any sanguine hope of obtaining your approbation.
Gentlemen critics, I appreciate you. In these volumes, I've provided you with something that fits your tastes, though I can’t say I’m very hopeful of getting your approval.
The following story consists of such adventures as for the most part have occurred to at least one half of the Englishmen now existing who are of the same rank of life as my hero. Most of them have been at college, and shared in college excesses; most of them have afterward run a certain gauntlet of dissipation; most have married, and, I am afraid, there are few of the married tribe who have not at some time or other had certain small misunderstandings with their wives.1 To be sure, they have not all of them felt and acted under these trite adventures as my hero does. In this little work the reader will scarcely find anything to "elevate and surprise;" and, if it has any merit, it must consist in the liveliness with which it brings things home to the imagination, and the reality it gives to the scenes it pourtrays.
The following story is made up of adventures that have mostly happened to at least half of the Englishmen today who are of the same social class as my hero. Most of them have been to college and experienced the typical college parties; most have gone through their share of wild times afterward; many have married, and unfortunately, there are few married men who haven't had some disagreements with their wives at some point. To be fair, not all of them have handled these common situations like my hero does. In this little book, the reader probably won't find anything particularly "elevating or surprising;" if it has any value, it lies in the vividness with which it connects to the imagination and the authenticity of the scenes it represents.
Yes, even in the present narrative, I have aimed at a certain kind of novelty—a novelty which may be aptly expressed by a parody on a well-known line of Pope; it relates:
Yes, even in this story, I have aimed for a certain kind of freshness—a freshness that can be captured by a twist on a famous line from Pope; it goes:
"Things often done, but never yet described."
"Things we often do, but have never described."
In selecting among common and ordinary adventures, I have endeavoured to avoid such as a thousand novels before mine have undertaken to develop. Multitudes of readers have themselves passed through the very incidents I relate; but, for the most part, no work has hitherto recorded them. If I have told them truly, I have added somewhat to the stock of books which should enable a recluse, shut up in his closet, to form an idea of what is passing in the world. It is inconceivable, meanwhile, how much, by this choice of a subject, I increased the arduousness of my task. It is so easy to do, a little better, or a little worse, what twenty authors have done before! If I had foreseen from the first all the difficulty of my project, my courage would have failed me to undertake the execution of it.
In choosing from typical and everyday adventures, I’ve tried to steer clear of those that countless novels before mine have already explored. A lot of readers have experienced the exact events I describe, but mostly, no one has documented them until now. If I’ve told them accurately, I’ve contributed to the collection of books that would help someone isolated in their room understand what’s happening in the world. It’s hard to believe how much this choice of topic increased the challenge of my task. It’s so easy to improve slightly, or not so slightly, on what twenty authors have already done! If I had known from the beginning how difficult this project would be, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to go through with it.
Certain persons, who condescend to make my supposed inconsistencies the favourite object of their research, will perhaps remark with exultation on the respect expressed in this work for marriage, and exclaim, "It was not always thus!" referring to the pages in which this subject is treated in the "Enquiry concerning Political Justice" for the proof of their assertion. The answer to this remark is exceedingly simple. The production referred to in it, the first foundation of its author's claim to public distinction and favour, was a treatise, aiming to ascertain what new institutions in political society might be found more conducive to general happiness than those which at present prevail. In the course of this disquisition it was enquired whether marriage, as it stands described and supported in the laws of England, might not with advantage admit of certain modifications. Can anything be more distinct than such a proposition on the one hand and a recommendation on the other that each man for himself should supersede and trample upon the institutions of the country in which he lives? A thousand things might be found excellent and salutary, if brought into general practice, which would in some cases appear ridiculous, and in others be attended with tragical consequences, if prematurely acted upon by a solitary individual. The author of "Political Justice," as appears again and again in the pages of that work, is the last man in the world to recommend a pitiful attempt, by scattered examples, to renovate the face of society, instead of endeavouring, by discussion and reasoning, to effect a grand and comprehensive improvement in the sentiments of its members.
Some people, who take the time to point out what they see as my inconsistencies, might gleefully note the respect for marriage expressed in this work and shout, "It wasn't always like this!" referencing the parts in the "Enquiry concerning Political Justice" to back up their claim. The answer to this is quite straightforward. The work they mention, which was the basis for its author's public recognition, aimed to discover what new political institutions might lead to greater overall happiness compared to the current ones. During this examination, it was questioned whether marriage, as defined and upheld by English law, could benefit from certain changes. Can there be a clearer distinction between that proposition and the idea that each person should just ignore and undermine the institutions of their society? There are many things that could be great and beneficial if widely adopted, but might seem absurd or lead to disastrous outcomes if someone tries to act on them alone too soon. The author of "Political Justice," as shown repeatedly in that work, is the last person to suggest a weak attempt, through isolated examples, to change society's structure instead of working towards a profound and collective improvement in how its members think and feel.
VOLUME THE FIRST.
CHAPTER I.
My life has for several years been a theatre of calamity. I have been a mark for the vigilance of tyranny, and I could not escape. My fairest prospects have been blasted. My enemy has shown himself inaccessible to entreaties, and untired in persecution. My fame, as well as my happiness, has become his victim. Every one, as far as my story has been known, has refused to assist me in my distress, and has execrated my name. I have not deserved this treatment. My own conscience witnesses in behalf of that innocence, my pretensions to which are regarded in the world as incredible. There is now, however, little hope that I shall escape from the toils that universally beset me. I am incited to the penning of these memoirs only by a desire to divert my mind from the deplorableness of my situation, and a faint idea that posterity may by their means be induced to render me a justice which my contemporaries refuse. My story will, at least, appear to have that consistency which is seldom attendant but upon truth.
My life has been a disaster for several years. I’ve been a target for the watchful eye of tyranny, and I couldn’t escape. My best hopes have been crushed. My enemy has remained unyielding to pleas and relentless in his persecution. My reputation, as well as my happiness, has become his victim. Everyone who knows my story has refused to help me in my time of need and has condemned my name. I don’t deserve this treatment. My own conscience supports my innocence, although the world views my claims as unbelievable. However, there's little hope now that I will escape the traps that surround me. I'm motivated to write these memoirs only to distract myself from the sadness of my situation and a small hope that future generations might give me the justice that my peers deny me. At least my story will seem consistent, which is often only found in the truth.
I was born of humble parents, in a remote county of England. Their occupations were such as usually fall to the lot of peasants, and they had no portion to give me, but an education free from the usual sources of depravity, and the inheritance, long since lost by their unfortunate progeny! of an honest fame. I was taught the rudiments of no science, except reading, writing, and arithmetic. But I had an inquisitive mind, and neglected no means of information from conversation or books. My improvement was greater than my condition in life afforded room to expect.
I was born to humble parents in a remote county in England. They worked the kinds of jobs typical for peasants, and they had nothing to give me but an education free from the usual vices and the long-lost legacy of an honest reputation. I learned the basics of only a few subjects: reading, writing, and math. But I was curious and took every opportunity to gather information from conversations and books. My progress was greater than what my circumstances would suggest.
There are other circumstances deserving to be mentioned as having influenced the history of my future life. I was somewhat above the middle stature. Without being particularly athletic in appearance, or large in my dimensions, I was uncommonly vigorous and active. My joints were supple, and I was formed to excel in youthful sports. The habits of my mind, however, were to a certain degree at war with the dictates of boyish vanity. I had considerable aversion to the boisterous gaiety of the village gallants, and contrived to satisfy my love of praise with an unfrequent apparition at their amusements. My excellence in these respects, however, gave a turn to my meditations. I delighted to read of feats of activity, and was particularly interested by tales in which corporeal ingenuity or strength are the means resorted to for supplying resources and conquering difficulties. I inured myself to mechanical pursuits, and devoted much of my time to an endeavour after mechanical invention.
There are other circumstances worth mentioning that influenced the course of my future life. I was somewhat taller than average. Although I didn't look particularly athletic or large, I was unusually strong and active. My joints were flexible, and I was built to excel in youth sports. However, my mindset was somewhat at odds with the typical vanity of boys. I really didn't like the loud exuberance of the local playboys, and I found ways to satisfy my desire for recognition by rarely showing up at their events. My skills in these areas, though, changed the way I thought. I loved reading about impressive physical feats and was especially drawn to stories where cleverness or strength were used to overcome challenges. I got used to mechanical activities and spent a lot of time trying to invent new things.
The spring of action which, perhaps more than any other, characterised the whole train of my life, was curiosity. It was this that gave me my mechanical turn; I was desirous of tracing the variety of effects which might be produced from given causes. It was this that made me a sort of natural philosopher; I could not rest till I had acquainted myself with the solutions that had been invented for the phenomena of the universe. In fine, this produced in me an invincible attachment to books of narrative and romance. I panted for the unravelling of an adventure with an anxiety, perhaps almost equal to that of the man whose future happiness or misery depended on its issue. I read, I devoured compositions of this sort. They took possession of my soul; and the effects they produced were frequently discernible in my external appearance and my health. My curiosity, however, was not entirely ignoble: village anecdotes and scandal had no charms for me: my imagination must be excited; and when that was not done, my curiosity was dormant.
The driving force that, more than anything else, defined my entire life was curiosity. It fueled my mechanical interests; I wanted to understand the variety of effects that could come from specific causes. It turned me into a kind of natural philosopher; I couldn't settle until I had learned about the theories developed to explain the phenomena of the universe. In short, this led to an unshakeable love for narrative and romance books. I craved the unraveling of adventures with a level of anxiety that was almost as intense as that of someone whose future happiness or misery relied on the outcome. I read and devoured these kinds of stories. They took hold of my soul; the impact they had was often visible in my appearance and health. However, my curiosity wasn’t entirely trivial: I had no interest in village gossip or scandals; I needed my imagination to be stimulated, and without that, my curiosity remained inactive.
The residence of my parents was within the manor of Ferdinando Falkland, a country squire of considerable opulence. At an early age I attracted the favourable notice of Mr. Collins, this gentleman's steward, who used to call in occasionally at my father's. He observed the particulars of my progress with approbation, and made a favourable report to his master of my industry and genius.
My parents lived in the estate of Ferdinando Falkland, a wealthy country gentleman. When I was young, I caught the attention of Mr. Collins, the steward for this gentleman, who would occasionally visit my father's house. He took note of my progress with approval and gave his master a positive report about my hard work and talent.
In the summer of the year ----, Mr. Falkland visited his estate in our county after an absence of several months. This was a period of misfortune to me. I was then eighteen years of age. My father lay dead in our cottage. I had lost my mother some years before. In this forlorn situation I was surprised with a message from the squire, ordering me to repair to the mansion-house the morning after my father's funeral.
In the summer of ----, Mr. Falkland came back to his estate in our county after being away for several months. This was a tough time for me. I was eighteen years old. My father had just died in our cottage. I had lost my mother a few years earlier. Given my sad situation, I was taken aback by a message from the squire, telling me to come to the mansion the morning after my father's funeral.
Though I was not a stranger to books, I had no practical acquaintance with men. I had never had occasion to address a person of this elevated rank, and I felt no small uneasiness and awe on the present occasion. I found Mr. Falkland a man of small stature, with an extreme delicacy of form and appearance. In place of the hard-favoured and inflexible visages I had been accustomed to observe, every muscle and petty line of his countenance seemed to be in an inconceivable degree pregnant with meaning. His manner was kind, attentive, and humane. His eye was full of animation; but there was a grave and sad solemnity in his air, which, for want of experience, I imagined was the inheritance of the great, and the instrument by which the distance between them and their inferiors was maintained. His look bespoke the unquietness of his mind, and frequently wandered with an expression of disconsolateness and anxiety.
Although I was familiar with books, I had little real experience with people. I had never had the chance to speak to someone of such high rank, and I felt quite nervous and in awe in that moment. I found Mr. Falkland to be a short man with a very delicate appearance. Instead of the stern and unyielding faces I had often seen, every muscle and tiny line on his face seemed to convey deep meaning. He was kind, attentive, and compassionate. His eyes were full of life, but there was a serious and sad solemnity about him, which, due to my lack of experience, I thought was something that came with being great and was a way to maintain the distance between them and those beneath them. His expression revealed the restlessness of his mind, and he often seemed lost in thought, showing signs of sadness and worry.
My reception was as gracious and encouraging as I could possibly desire. Mr. Falkland questioned me respecting my learning, and my conceptions of men and things, and listened to my answers with condescension and approbation. This kindness soon restored to me a considerable part of my self-possession, though I still felt restrained by the graceful, but unaltered dignity of his carriage. When Mr. Falkland had satisfied his curiosity, he proceeded to inform me that he was in want of a secretary, that I appeared to him sufficiently qualified for that office, and that, if, in my present change of situation, occasioned by the death of my father, I approved of the employment, he would take me into his family.
My reception was as warm and encouraging as I could have hoped for. Mr. Falkland asked me about my education and my views on people and things, listening to my answers with a mix of kindness and approval. This generosity quickly helped me regain some of my confidence, although I still felt a bit constrained by the elegant, yet unchanging dignity of his demeanor. Once Mr. Falkland was satisfied with his questions, he went on to tell me that he needed a secretary, that he thought I was qualified for the role, and that if I was interested in the job due to my recent change in circumstances from my father's passing, he would welcome me into his household.
I felt highly flattered by the proposal, and was warm in the expression of my acknowledgments. I set eagerly about the disposal of the little property my father had left, in which I was assisted by Mr. Collins. I had not now a relation in the world, upon whose kindness and interposition I had any direct claim. But, far from regarding this deserted situation with terror, I formed golden visions of the station I was about to occupy. I little suspected that the gaiety and lightness of heart I had hitherto enjoyed were upon the point of leaving me for ever, and that the rest of my days were devoted to misery and alarm.
I was really flattered by the proposal and expressed my thanks warmly. I quickly started figuring out what to do with the little property my father had left me, with help from Mr. Collins. I no longer had any family members I could turn to for support. But instead of feeling scared about being alone, I had bright dreams about the position I was about to have. I had no idea that the happiness and lightheartedness I had experienced were about to vanish forever, and that the rest of my life would be filled with misery and anxiety.
My employment was easy and agreeable. It consisted partly in the transcribing and arranging certain papers, and partly in writing from my master's dictation letters of business, as well as sketches of literary composition. Many of these latter consisted of an analytical survey of the plans of different authors and conjectural speculations upon hints they afforded, tending either to the detection of their errors, or the carrying forward their discoveries. All of them bore powerful marks of a profound and elegant mind, well stored with literature, and possessed of an uncommon share of activity and discrimination.
My job was easy and enjoyable. It involved both transcribing and organizing various documents, and writing business letters and literary drafts from my boss's dictation. Many of these drafts included detailed analyses of different authors' plans and thoughtful guesses based on the ideas they presented, aimed at identifying their mistakes or advancing their discoveries. All of them showed clear signs of a deep and sophisticated mind, rich in knowledge and with a remarkable level of energy and insight.
My station was in that part of the house which was appropriated for the reception of books, it being my duty to perform the functions of librarian as well as secretary. Here my hours would have glided in tranquillity and peace, had not my situation included in it circumstances totally different from those which attended me in my father's cottage. In early life my mind had been much engrossed by reading and reflection: my intercourse with my fellow mortals was occasional and short. But, in my new residence, I was excited by every motive of interest and novelty to study my master's character; and I found in it an ample field for speculation and conjecture.
My workspace was in that part of the house dedicated to books, so I had the responsibility of being both the librarian and the secretary. My time there would have passed in calm and peace if my situation hadn’t come with circumstances that were totally different from those in my father’s cottage. In my early years, I was deeply absorbed in reading and thinking: my interactions with other people were infrequent and brief. But in my new home, I was driven by curiosity and a desire for new experiences to understand my master’s character, and I discovered plenty of material for thought and speculation.
His mode of living was in the utmost degree recluse and solitary. He had no inclination to scenes of revelry and mirth. He avoided the busy haunts of men; nor did he seem desirous to compensate for this privation by the confidence of friendship. He appeared a total stranger to every thing which usually bears the appellation of pleasure. His features were scarcely ever relaxed into a smile, nor did that air which spoke the unhappiness of his mind at any time forsake them: yet his manners were by no means such as denoted moroseness and misanthropy. He was compassionate and considerate for others, though the stateliness of his carriage and the reserve of his temper were at no time interrupted. His appearance and general behaviour might have strongly interested all persons in his favour; but the coldness of his address, and the impenetrableness of his sentiments, seemed to forbid those demonstrations of kindness to which one might otherwise have been prompted.
His way of life was extremely reclusive and solitary. He had no interest in parties or celebrations. He stayed away from crowded places and didn’t seem eager to make up for this isolation by seeking friendship. He seemed completely unfamiliar with anything typically considered enjoyable. His face rarely broke into a smile, and the air of unhappiness that lingered around him never really left: yet his behavior did not come off as gloomy or misanthropic. He was kind and considerate to others, even though his dignified demeanor and reserved nature never wavered. His appearance and overall behavior could have easily drawn people to him, but the coldness in his manner and the mystery of his thoughts seemed to discourage gestures of kindness that one might otherwise feel inclined to offer.
Such was the general appearance of Mr. Falkland: but his disposition was extremely unequal. The distemper which afflicted him with incessant gloom had its paroxysms. Sometimes he was hasty, peevish, and tyrannical; but this proceeded rather from the torment of his mind than an unfeeling disposition; and when reflection recurred, he appeared willing that the weight of his misfortune should fall wholly upon himself. Sometimes he entirely lost his self-possession, and his behaviour was changed into frenzy: he would strike his forehead, his brows became knit, his features distorted, and his teeth ground one against the other. When he felt the approach of these symptoms, he would suddenly rise, and, leaving the occupation, whatever it was, in which he was engaged, hasten into a solitude upon which no person dared to intrude.
This was Mr. Falkland's general appearance, but his mood was extremely unpredictable. The condition that plagued him with constant sadness came in waves. Sometimes he was quick to anger, irritable, and domineering; but this was more a result of his internal struggle than a lack of feeling. When he reflected, he seemed willing to bear the full burden of his misfortune himself. At other times, he completely lost his composure, and his behavior turned to chaos: he would strike his forehead, his brows would furrow, his features would contort, and his teeth would grind against each other. When he sensed these episodes approaching, he would suddenly get up, leaving whatever task he was working on, and rush off into a solitude that no one dared to invade.
It must not be supposed that the whole of what I am describing was visible to the persons about him; nor, indeed, was I acquainted with it in the extent here stated but after a considerable time, and in gradual succession. With respect to the domestics in general, they saw but little of their master. None of them, except myself, from the nature of my functions, and Mr. Collins, from the antiquity of his service and the respectableness of his character, approached Mr. Falkland, but at stated seasons and for a very short interval. They knew him only by the benevolence of his actions, and the principles of inflexible integrity by which he was ordinarily guided; and though they would sometimes indulge their conjectures respecting his singularities, they regarded him upon the whole with veneration, as a being of a superior order.
It shouldn't be assumed that everything I'm describing was visible to those around him; in fact, I only became aware of it over a long period and gradually. In general, the household staff had little interaction with their master. Only I, due to my role, and Mr. Collins, because of his long service and respectable character, had any direct contact with Mr. Falkland, and that was only at specific times and for very brief moments. They knew him mainly for his kind actions and the unwavering integrity that typically guided him; while they sometimes speculated about his quirks, they mostly viewed him with respect as someone of a higher status.
One day, when I had been about three months in the service of my patron, I went to a closet, or small apartment, which was separated from the library by a narrow gallery that was lighted by a small window near the roof. I had conceived that there was no person in the room, and intended only to put any thing in order that I might find out of its place. As I opened the door, I heard at the same instant a deep groan, expressive of intolerable anguish. The sound of the door in opening seemed to alarm the person within; I heard the lid of a trunk hastily shut, and the noise as of fastening a lock. I conceived that Mr. Falkland was there, and was going instantly to retire; but at that moment a voice, that seemed supernaturally tremendous, exclaimed, Who is there? The voice was Mr. Falkland's. The sound of it thrilled my very vitals. I endeavoured to answer, but my speech failed, and being incapable of any other reply, I instinctively advanced within the door into the room. Mr. Falkland was just risen from the floor upon which he had been sitting or kneeling. His face betrayed strong symptoms of confusion. With a violent effort, however, these symptoms vanished, and instantaneously gave place to a countenance sparkling with rage.
One day, after I had been working for my patron for about three months, I went into a small room that was separated from the library by a narrow hallway with a tiny window near the ceiling. I thought no one else was in there and planned to tidy up anything that was out of place. As I opened the door, I heard a deep, anguished groan. The sound of the door opening seemed to startle whoever was inside; I heard the lid of a trunk slam shut and the sound of a lock being fastened. I thought Mr. Falkland was in there and was about to leave, but at that moment a voice that sounded eerily powerful shouted, “Who is there?” It was Mr. Falkland. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down my spine. I tried to respond, but my words failed me, and without thinking, I stepped inside the room. Mr. Falkland had just gotten up from the floor where he had been sitting or kneeling. His face showed clear signs of confusion. But with a sudden effort, that confusion vanished, and his expression instantly changed to one filled with rage.
"Villain!" cried he, "what has brought you here?" I hesitated a confused and irresolute answer. "Wretch!" interrupted Mr. Falkland, with uncontrollable impatience, "you want to ruin me. You set yourself as a spy upon my actions; but bitterly shall you repent your insolence. Do you think you shall watch my privacies with impunity?" I attempted to defend myself. "Begone, devil!" rejoined he. "Quit the room, or I will trample you into atoms." Saying this, he advanced towards me. But I was already sufficiently terrified, and vanished in a moment. I heard the door shut after me with violence; and thus ended this extraordinary scene.
"Villain!" he shouted, "what are you doing here?" I hesitated, unsure of how to respond. "Wretch!" Mr. Falkland interrupted, his impatience boiling over, "you want to ruin me. You’re spying on my actions; you’ll regret your arrogance deeply. Do you think you can invade my privacy without consequences?" I tried to defend myself. "Get out of here, devil!" he snapped. "Leave the room, or I will crush you to pieces." With that, he moved toward me. I was already terrified and vanished in an instant. I heard the door slam shut behind me, and that was how this bizarre scene concluded.
I saw him again in the evening, and he was then tolerably composed. His behaviour, which was always kind, was now doubly attentive and soothing. He seemed to have something of which he wished to disburthen his mind, but to want words in which to convey it. I looked at him with anxiety and affection. He made two unsuccessful efforts, shook his head, and then putting five guineas into my hand, pressed it in a manner that I could feel proceeded from a mind pregnant with various emotions, though I could not interpret them. Having done this, he seemed immediately to recollect himself, and to take refuge in the usual distance and solemnity of his manner.
I saw him again in the evening, and he was fairly calm then. His behavior, which was always kind, was now even more attentive and soothing. It seemed like he wanted to share something that was weighing on his mind, but he struggled to find the right words. I looked at him with concern and affection. He made two unsuccessful attempts, shook his head, and then placed five guineas into my hand, squeezing it in a way that felt like it came from a mind filled with mixed emotions, though I couldn’t figure out what they were. After doing this, he immediately seemed to gather himself and returned to his usual formal and serious demeanor.
I easily understood that secrecy was one of the things expected from me; and, indeed, my mind was too much disposed to meditate upon what I had heard and seen, to make it a topic of indiscriminate communication. Mr. Collins, however, and myself happened to sup together that evening, which was but seldom the case, his avocations obliging him to be much abroad. He could not help observing an uncommon dejection and anxiety in my countenance, and affectionately enquired into the reason. I endeavoured to evade his questions, but my youth and ignorance of the world gave me little advantage for that purpose. Beside this, I had been accustomed to view Mr. Collins with considerable attachment, and I conceived from the nature of his situation that there could be small impropriety in making him my confident in the present instance. I repeated to him minutely every thing that had passed, and concluded with a solemn declaration that, though treated with caprice, I was not anxious for myself; no inconvenience or danger should ever lead me to a pusillanimous behaviour; and I felt only for my patron, who, with every advantage for happiness, and being in the highest degree worthy of it, seemed destined to undergo unmerited distress.
I quickly realized that keeping secrets was something that was expected of me; and honestly, I was too preoccupied with reflecting on what I had heard and seen to share it carelessly. However, Mr. Collins and I ended up having dinner together that evening, which didn’t happen often since his work kept him busy. He couldn’t help but notice an unusual sadness and worry on my face and kindly asked about it. I tried to dodge his questions, but my youth and lack of experience didn’t help much. Besides, I had always had a good opinion of Mr. Collins, so I figured there wasn’t much wrong with confiding in him this time. I told him in detail everything that had happened and ended with a serious statement that, despite being treated badly, I wasn't worried about myself; no trouble or danger would ever make me act cowardly. I only felt for my patron, who, despite having every chance for happiness and being highly deserving of it, seemed likely to face undeserved suffering.
In answer to my communication, Mr. Collins informed me that some incidents, of a nature similar to that which I related, had fallen under his own knowledge, and that from the whole he could not help concluding that our unfortunate patron, was at times disordered in his intellects. "Alas!" continued he, "it was not always thus! Ferdinando Falkland was once the gayest of the gay. Not indeed of that frothy sort, who excite contempt instead of admiration, and whose levity argues thoughtlessness rather than felicity. His gaiety was always accompanied with dignity. It was the gaiety of the hero and the scholar. It was chastened with reflection and sensibility, and never lost sight either of good taste or humanity. Such as it was however, it denoted a genuine hilarity of heart, imparted an inconceivable brilliancy to his company and conversation, and rendered him the perpetual delight of the diversified circles he then willingly frequented. You see nothing of him, my dear Williams, but the ruin of that Falkland who was courted by sages, and adored by the fair. His youth, distinguished in its outset by the most unusual promise, is tarnished. His sensibility is shrunk up and withered by events the most disgustful to his feelings. His mind was fraught with all the rhapsodies of visionary honour; and, in his sense, nothing but the grosser part, the mere shell of Falkland, was capable of surviving the wound that his pride has sustained."
In response to my message, Mr. Collins told me that he had heard of some incidents similar to what I mentioned, and from all of this, he couldn’t help but conclude that our unfortunate patron occasionally struggles with his mental state. "Alas!" he continued, "it wasn’t always like this! Ferdinando Falkland was once the life of the party. Not in that shallow way that earns scorn instead of admiration, where frivolity shows thoughtlessness rather than happiness. His joy always carried a sense of dignity. It was the joy of a hero and a scholar. It was tempered with reflection and sensitivity, never losing sight of good taste or humanity. Despite all this, it demonstrated a genuine cheerfulness, bringing incredible brightness to his company and conversation, making him a constant delight in the diverse circles he was eager to join. You see nothing of him, my dear Williams, but the remnants of that Falkland who was sought after by thinkers and adored by women. His youth, which started with the most unusual promise, is now marred. His sensitivity has shriveled and withered due to the most distressing events. His mind was filled with all the raptures of idealistic honor; in his perception, only the baser part, the mere shell of Falkland, could survive the blow to his pride."
These reflections of my friend Collins strongly tended to inflame my curiosity, and I requested him to enter into a more copious explanation. With this request he readily complied; as conceiving that whatever delicacy it became him to exercise in ordinary cases, it would be out of place in my situation; and thinking it not improbable that Mr. Falkland, but for the disturbance and inflammation of his mind, would be disposed to a similar communication. I shall interweave with Mr. Collins's story various information which I afterwards received from other quarters, that I may give all possible perspicuity to the series of events. To avoid confusion in my narrative, I shall drop the person of Collins, and assume to be myself the historian of our patron. To the reader it may appear at first sight as if this detail of the preceding life of Mr. Falkland were foreign to my history. Alas! I know from bitter experience that it is otherwise. My heart bleeds at the recollection of his misfortunes, as if they were my own. How can it fail to do so? To his story the whole fortune of my life was linked: because he was miserable, my happiness, my name, and my existence have been irretrievably blasted.
These thoughts from my friend Collins really sparked my curiosity, so I asked him to explain more. He quickly agreed, knowing that any sensitivity he might normally have shown wouldn’t apply in my case. He figured that Mr. Falkland, if not for the turmoil and agitation in his mind, would likely share similar details with me. I’ll mix in various information from other sources as I recount Mr. Collins’s story to provide clarity on the sequence of events. To keep my narrative clear, I’ll take over as the storyteller of our patron instead of sticking to Collins’s perspective. At first glance, it might seem like sharing Mr. Falkland’s past isn’t relevant to my story, but I know from painful experience that it is. My heart aches at the thought of his misfortunes as if they were my own. How could it not? His story is intertwined with my entire life; because of his suffering, my happiness, my name, and my very existence have been irrevocably shattered.
CHAPTER II.
Among the favourite authors of his early years were the heroic poets of Italy. From them he imbibed the love of chivalry and romance. He had too much good sense to regret the times of Charlemagne and Arthur. But, while his imagination was purged by a certain infusion of philosophy, he conceived that there was in the manners depicted by these celebrated poets something to imitate, as well as something to avoid. He believed that nothing was so well calculated to make men delicate, gallant, and humane, as a temper perpetually alive to the sentiments of birth and honour. The opinions he entertained upon these topics were illustrated in his conduct, which was assiduously conformed to the model of heroism that his fancy suggested.
Among his favorite authors in his early years were the heroic poets of Italy. From them, he absorbed a love for chivalry and romance. He was too sensible to long for the times of Charlemagne and Arthur. However, while his imagination was refined by a touch of philosophy, he believed there was something worth imitating in the behaviors portrayed by these famous poets, as well as things to avoid. He thought that nothing was better at making people refined, gallant, and kind than a temperament constantly attuned to the values of nobility and honor. His views on these subjects were reflected in his actions, which diligently followed the heroic ideals his imagination suggested.
With these sentiments he set out upon his travels, at the age at which the grand tour is usually made; and they were rather confirmed than shaken by the adventures that befel him. By inclination he was led to make his longest stay in Italy; and here he fell into company with several young noblemen whose studies and principles were congenial to his own. By them he was assiduously courted, and treated with the most distinguished applause. They were delighted to meet with a foreigner, who had imbibed all the peculiarities of the most liberal and honourable among themselves. Nor was he less favoured and admired by the softer sex. Though his stature was small, his person had an air of uncommon dignity. His dignity was then heightened by certain additions which were afterwards obliterated,—an expression of frankness, ingenuity, and unreserve, and a spirit of the most ardent enthusiasm. Perhaps no Englishman was ever in an equal degree idolised by the inhabitants of Italy.
With these feelings, he set off on his travels at the age when most people typically go on the grand tour; his experiences only reinforced these feelings rather than changing them. He was naturally inclined to spend the longest time in Italy, where he connected with several young noblemen whose interests and values matched his own. They eagerly welcomed him and treated him with great admiration. They were thrilled to meet a foreigner who had absorbed all the distinctive traits of the most open-minded and honorable among them. He was equally admired by the women. Despite being short in stature, he carried himself with an uncommon dignity. This dignity was enhanced by certain traits that later faded—an expression of openness, creativity, and unreservedness, along with a spirit of intense enthusiasm. Perhaps no Englishman has ever been as idolized by the people of Italy.
It was not possible for him to have drunk so deeply of the fountain of chivalry without being engaged occasionally in affairs of honour, all of which were terminated in a manner that would not have disgraced the chevalier Bayard himself. In Italy, the young men of rank divide themselves into two classes,—those who adhere to the pure principles of ancient gallantry, and those who, being actuated by the same acute sense of injury and insult, accustom themselves to the employment of hired bravoes as their instruments of vengeance. The whole difference, indeed, consists in the precarious application of a generally received distinction. The most generous Italian conceives that there are certain persons whom it would be contamination for him to call into the open field. He nevertheless believes that an indignity cannot be expiated but with blood, and is persuaded that the life of a man is a trifling consideration, in comparison of the indemnification to be made to his injured honour. There is, therefore, scarcely any Italian that would upon some occasions scruple assassination. Men of spirit among them, notwithstanding the prejudices of their education, cannot fail to have a secret conviction of its baseness, and will be desirous of extending as far as possible the cartel of honour. Real or affected arrogance teaches others to regard almost the whole species as their inferiors, and of consequence incites them to gratify their vengeance without danger to their persons. Mr. Falkland met with some of these. But his undaunted spirit and resolute temper gave him a decisive advantage even in such perilous rencounters. One instance, among many, of his manner of conducting himself among this proud and high-spirited people it may be proper to relate. Mr. Falkland is the principal agent in my history; and Mr. Falkland in the autumn and decay of his vigour, such as I found him, cannot be completely understood without a knowledge of his previous character, as it was in all the gloss of youth, yet unassailed by adversity, and unbroken in upon by anguish or remorse.
He couldn’t have taken in so much from the fountain of chivalry without occasionally being involved in matters of honor, all of which ended in a way that wouldn’t have shamed the knight Bayard himself. In Italy, young men of high status split into two groups—those who stick to the true principles of ancient gallantry and those who, driven by a sharp sense of injury and insult, get used to hiring thugs as their means of revenge. The real difference lies in the uncertain application of a commonly accepted distinction. The most honorable Italian believes there are certain individuals who it would be beneath him to challenge in a duel. Still, he thinks that an insult can only be satisfied with blood and is convinced that a man's life is a small price to pay compared to the restoration of his wounded honor. So, there’s hardly any Italian who wouldn’t consider assassination in certain situations. Spirited men among them, despite their upbringing, can’t help but secretly feel it's disgraceful and will want to push the boundaries of the code of honor as far as possible. Real or pretended arrogance leads others to see almost everyone as inferior and drives them to take their revenge without fear for their own safety. Mr. Falkland encountered some of these men. However, his fearless spirit and determined nature gave him a clear advantage even in such dangerous confrontations. One example, among many, of how he conducted himself around these proud and spirited individuals is worth mentioning. Mr. Falkland is the main character in my story; and to fully understand Mr. Falkland in the autumn of his life, as I found him, one must know about his earlier character, which was full of youthful vigor, untouched by hardship, and untainted by sorrow or regret.
At Rome he was received with particular distinction at the house of marquis Pisani, who had an only daughter, the heir of his immense fortune, and the admiration of all the young nobility of that metropolis. Lady Lucretia Pisani was tall, of a dignified form, and uncommonly beautiful. She was not deficient in amiable qualities, but her soul was haughty, and her carriage not unfrequently contemptuous. Her pride was nourished by the consciousness of her charms, by her elevated rank, and the universal adoration she was accustomed to receive.
At Rome, he was welcomed with great honor at the home of Marquis Pisani, who had an only daughter, the sole heir to his vast fortune, and the envy of all the young nobility in the city. Lady Lucretia Pisani was tall, with a dignified figure, and exceptionally beautiful. She had many pleasant qualities, but her spirit was proud, and her demeanor was often disdainful. Her pride was fed by her awareness of her beauty, her high status, and the widespread admiration she was used to receiving.
Among her numerous lovers count Malvesi was the individual most favoured by her father, nor did his addresses seem indifferent to her. The count was a man of considerable accomplishments, and of great integrity and benevolence of disposition. But he was too ardent a lover, to be able always to preserve the affability of his temper. The admirers whose addresses were a source of gratification to his mistress, were a perpetual uneasiness to him. Placing his whole happiness in the possession of this imperious beauty, the most trifling circumstances were capable of alarming him for the security of his pretensions. But most of all he was jealous of the English cavalier. Marquis Pisani, who had spent many years in France, was by no means partial to the suspicious precautions of Italian fathers, and indulged his daughter in considerable freedoms. His house and his daughter, within certain judicious restraints, were open to the resort of male visitants. But, above all, Mr. Falkland, as a foreigner, and a person little likely to form pretensions to the hand of Lucretia, was received upon a footing of great familiarity. The lady herself, conscious of innocence, entertained no scruple about trifles, and acted with the confidence and frankness of one who is superior to suspicion.
Among her many lovers, Count Malvesi was the one most favored by her father, and she didn't seem indifferent to him either. The count was a man of significant accomplishments and had a strong sense of integrity and kindness. However, he was too passionate of a lover to always keep his temper in check. The admirers who pleased his mistress constantly made him uneasy. Putting all his happiness in winning over this commanding beauty, even the smallest things could worry him about his position. But most of all, he was jealous of the English cavalier. Marquis Pisani, who had spent many years in France, was not at all fond of the cautious ways of Italian fathers and allowed his daughter considerable freedom. His home and his daughter, within certain reasonable limits, welcomed male visitors. Above all, Mr. Falkland, as a foreigner who seemed unlikely to pursue Lucretia's hand, was treated with great familiarity. The lady herself, confident in her innocence, had no hesitation about small matters and acted with the assurance and openness of someone who is above suspicion.
Mr. Falkland, after a residence of several weeks at Rome, proceeded to Naples. Meanwhile certain incidents occurred that delayed the intended nuptials of the heiress of Pisani. When he returned to Rome Count Malvesi was absent. Lady Lucretia, who had been considerably amused before with the conversation of Mr. Falkland, and who had an active and enquiring mind, had conceived, in the interval between his first and second residence at Rome, a desire to be acquainted with the English language, inspired by the lively and ardent encomiums of our best authors that she had heard from their countryman. She had provided herself with the usual materials for that purpose, and had made some progress during his absence. But upon his return she was forward to make use of the opportunity, which, if missed, might never occur again with equal advantage, of reading select passages of our poets with an Englishman of uncommon taste and capacity.
Mr. Falkland, after spending several weeks in Rome, went to Naples. During that time, some events happened that delayed the planned wedding of the heiress of Pisani. When he returned to Rome, Count Malvesi was not there. Lady Lucretia, who had been greatly entertained by Mr. Falkland's conversations and had a curious and probing mind, had developed a desire to learn the English language while he was away. This interest was sparked by the enthusiastic praises of our finest authors she had heard from him. She had gathered the usual materials for learning and had made some progress during his absence. But when he returned, she was eager to take the chance to read selected passages from our poets with an Englishman of exceptional taste and ability, knowing that this opportunity might not come again with the same advantages.
This proposal necessarily led to a more frequent intercourse. When Count Malvesi returned, he found Mr. Falkland established almost as an inmate of the Pisani palace. His mind could not fail to be struck with the criticalness of the situation. He was perhaps secretly conscious that the qualifications of the Englishman were superior to his own; and he trembled for the progress that each party might have made in the affection of the other, even before they were aware of the danger. He believed that the match was in every respect such as to flatter the ambition of Mr. Falkland; and he was stung even to madness by the idea of being deprived of the object dearest to his heart by this tramontane upstart.
This proposal naturally resulted in more frequent interactions. When Count Malvesi returned, he found Mr. Falkland almost fully integrated as a resident of the Pisani palace. He couldn't help but notice the seriousness of the situation. He might have secretly realized that the Englishman had qualities that surpassed his own; he worried about how much each of them might have grown closer to the other, even before they recognized the risk. He thought the match was exactly the kind that would appeal to Mr. Falkland's ambitions, and he was driven nearly to madness by the thought of losing the one person he cared about most to this foreign upstart.
He had, however, sufficient discretion first to demand an explanation of Lady Lucretia. She, in the gaiety of her heart, trifled with his anxiety. His patience was already exhausted, and he proceeded in his expostulation, in language that she was by no means prepared to endure with apathy. Lady Lucretia had always been accustomed to deference and submission; and, having got over something like terror, that was at first inspired by the imperious manner in which she was now catechised, her next feeling was that of the warmest resentment. She disdained to satisfy so insolent a questioner, and even indulged herself in certain oblique hints calculated to strengthen his suspicions. For some time she described his folly and presumption in terms of the most ludicrous sarcasm, and then, suddenly changing her style, bid him never let her see him more except upon the footing of the most distant acquaintance, as she was determined never again to subject herself to so unworthy a treatment. She was happy that he had at length disclosed to her his true character, and would know how to profit of her present experience to avoid a repetition of the same danger. All this passed in the full career of passion on both sides, and Lady Lucretia had no time to reflect upon what might be the consequence of thus exasperating her lover.
He did, however, have enough sense to ask Lady Lucretia for an explanation first. She, in her cheerful mood, played with his worries. His patience was already wearing thin, and he expressed his frustration in a way that she was not ready to take lightly. Lady Lucretia had always been used to respect and compliance; having moved past the initial fear brought on by his commanding tone, her next feeling was intense anger. She refused to answer such an insolent questioner and even dropped subtle hints meant to fuel his suspicions. For a while, she mocked his foolishness and arrogance with the most ridiculous sarcasm, and then, suddenly changing her tone, told him never to let her see him again unless it was as mere acquaintances because she was determined not to put up with such unworthy behavior again. She felt relieved that he had finally shown her his true nature and would make sure to learn from this experience to avoid similar risks in the future. All this unfolded in a whirlwind of emotions on both sides, and Lady Lucretia had no time to consider the consequences of provoking her lover like this.
Count Malvesi left her in all the torments of frenzy. He believed that this was a premeditated scene, to find a pretence for breaking off an engagement that was already all but concluded; or, rather, his mind was racked with a thousand conjectures: he alternately thought that the injustice might be hers or his own; and he quarrelled with Lady Lucretia, himself, and the whole world. In this temper he hastened to the hotel of the English cavalier. The season of expostulation was now over, and he found himself irresistibly impelled to justify his precipitation with the lady, by taking for granted that the subject of his suspicion was beyond the reach of doubt.
Count Malvesi left her in a whirlwind of emotions. He thought that this was a planned act to find an excuse for ending an engagement that was practically settled; or, more accurately, his mind was filled with countless doubts: he went back and forth believing that the unfairness might be hers or his own; and he argued with Lady Lucretia, himself, and the entire world. In this state, he rushed to the hotel of the English gentleman. The time for discussions was over, and he felt an overwhelming urge to justify his hasty actions with the lady by assuming that the matter he suspected was without any doubt.
Mr. Falkland was at home. The first words of the count were an abrupt accusation of duplicity in the affair of Lady Lucretia, and a challenge. The Englishman had an unaffected esteem for Malvesi, who was in reality a man of considerable merit, and who had been one of Mr. Falkland's earliest Italian acquaintance, they having originally met at Milan. But more than this, the possible consequence of a duel in the present instance burst upon his mind. He had the warmest admiration for Lady Lucretia, though his feelings were not those of a lover; and he knew that, however her haughtiness might endeavour to disguise it, she was impressed with a tender regard for Count Malvesi. He could not bear to think that any misconduct of his should interrupt the prospects of so deserving a pair. Guided by these sentiments, he endeavoured to expostulate with the Italian. But his attempts were ineffectual. His antagonist was drunk with choler, and would not listen to a word that tended to check the impetuosity of his thoughts. He traversed the room with perturbed steps, and even foamed with anguish and fury. Mr. Falkland, finding that all was to no purpose, told the count, that, if he would return to-morrow at the same hour, he would attend him to any scene of action he should think proper to select.
Mr. Falkland was at home. The count's first words were a sudden accusation of deceit regarding Lady Lucretia, followed by a challenge. The Englishman genuinely respected Malvesi, who was actually a man of real worth and had been one of Mr. Falkland's earliest Italian friends, having originally met in Milan. But more importantly, the possible outcome of a duel suddenly hit him. He greatly admired Lady Lucretia, though his feelings weren't romantic; he knew that, despite her attempts to hide it, she had a tender affection for Count Malvesi. He couldn’t bear the thought that any mistake on his part could ruin the chances for such a deserving couple. With these feelings in mind, he tried to reason with the Italian. But his efforts were in vain. His opponent was too furious to listen to anything that might curb his intense emotions. He paced the room restlessly, visibly agitated and even seething with anger. Mr. Falkland, realizing that nothing he said was working, told the count that if he would return tomorrow at the same hour, he would accompany him to any place he deemed appropriate for a duel.
From Count Malvesi Mr. Falkland immediately proceeded to the palace of Pisani. Here he found considerable difficulty in appeasing the indignation of Lady Lucretia. His ideas of honour would by no means allow him to win her to his purpose by disclosing the cartel he had received; otherwise that disclosure would immediately have operated as the strongest motive that could have been offered to this disdainful beauty. But, though she dreaded such an event, the vague apprehension was not strong enough to induce her instantly to surrender all the stateliness of her resentment. Mr. Falkland, however, drew so interesting a picture of the disturbance of Count Malvesi's mind, and accounted in so flattering a manner for the abruptness of his conduct, that this, together with the arguments he adduced, completed the conquest of Lady Lucretia's resentment. Having thus far accomplished his purpose, he proceeded to disclose to her every thing that had passed.
From Count Malvesi, Mr. Falkland immediately went to the palace of Pisani. There, he found it quite challenging to calm the anger of Lady Lucretia. His sense of honor wouldn’t allow him to win her over by sharing the challenge he had received; otherwise, that revelation would have served as the strongest motivation for this proud beauty. However, even though she feared such a revelation, her vague worries weren’t strong enough to make her drop the dignity of her anger right away. Mr. Falkland, though, painted such an intriguing picture of Count Malvesi's troubled state of mind and explained his sudden behavior in such a flattering way that this, along with his arguments, ultimately softened Lady Lucretia's resentment. Having achieved that, he then proceeded to tell her everything that had happened.
The next day Count Malvesi appeared, punctual to his appointment, at Mr. Falkland's hotel. Mr. Falkland came to the door to receive him, but requested him to enter the house for a moment, as he had still an affair of three minutes to despatch. They proceeded to a parlour. Here Mr. Falkland left him, and presently returned leading in Lady Lucretia herself, adorned in all her charms, and those charms heightened upon the present occasion by a consciousness of the spirited and generous condescension she was exerting. Mr. Falkland led her up to the astonished count; and she, gently laying her hand upon the arm of her lover, exclaimed with the most attractive grace, "Will you allow me to retract the precipitate haughtiness into which I was betrayed?" The enraptured count, scarcely able to believe his senses, threw himself upon his knees before her, and stammered out his reply, signifying that the precipitation had been all his own, that he only had any forgiveness to demand, and, though they might pardon, he could never pardon himself for the sacrilege he had committed against her and this god-like Englishman. As soon as the first tumults of his joy had subsided, Mr. Falkland addressed him thus:—
The next day, Count Malvesi arrived right on time for his meeting at Mr. Falkland's hotel. Mr. Falkland came to the door to greet him but asked him to step inside for a moment, as he had something to finish up that would only take three minutes. They went to a parlor. Mr. Falkland left him there and soon came back leading in Lady Lucretia, who was looking beautiful as ever, and on this occasion, her allure was enhanced by the awareness of the gracious and generous gesture she was making. Mr. Falkland brought her up to the astonished count, and she, gently placing her hand on her lover's arm, said with captivating grace, "Will you let me take back the hasty arrogance I showed?" The enraptured count, hardly believing his own eyes, fell to his knees before her and, stammering, said that the hastiness had all been his fault, that he was the one who needed forgiveness, and although they might forgive him, he could never forgive himself for the sacrilege he had committed against her and this god-like Englishman. Once the initial waves of his joy had calmed down, Mr. Falkland spoke to him like this:—
"Count Malvesi, I feel the utmost pleasure in having thus by peaceful means disarmed your resentment, and effected your happiness. But I must confess, you put me to a severe trial. My temper is not less impetuous and fiery than your own, and it is not at all times that I should have been thus able to subdue it. But I considered that in reality the original blame was mine. Though your suspicion was groundless, it was not absurd. We have been trifling too much in the face of danger. I ought not, under the present weakness of our nature and forms of society, to have been so assiduous in my attendance upon this enchanting woman. It would have been little wonder, if, having so many opportunities, and playing the preceptor with her as I have done, I had been entangled before I was aware, and harboured a wish which I might not afterwards have had courage to subdue. I owed you an atonement for this imprudence.
"Count Malvesi, I’m really glad I was able to resolve your anger peacefully and bring you happiness. But I have to admit, you put me to a tough test. My temper can be just as impulsive and fiery as yours, and there are times when I wouldn’t have been able to control it like this. But I realized that the original blame was mine. Although your suspicion was unfounded, it wasn’t completely unreasonable. We’ve been too careless in the face of danger. Given the current vulnerabilities of our nature and society, I shouldn’t have been so attentive to this enchanting woman. It wouldn’t have been surprising if, with so many opportunities and taking on the role of her teacher as I have, I had gotten caught up before I even realized it and developed a desire I might not have had the courage to overcome later. I owed you an apology for this recklessness."
"But the laws of honour are in the utmost degree rigid; and there was reason to fear that, however anxious I were to be your friend, I might be obliged to be your murderer. Fortunately, the reputation of my courage is sufficiently established, not to expose it to any impeachment by my declining your present defiance. It was lucky, however, that in our interview of yesterday you found me alone, and that accident by that means threw the management of the affair into my disposal. If the transaction should become known, the conclusion will now become known along with the provocation, and I am satisfied. But if the challenge had been public, the proofs I had formerly given of courage would not have excused my present moderation; and, though desirous to have avoided the combat, it would not have been in my power. Let us hence each of us learn to avoid haste and indiscretion, the consequences of which may be inexpiable but with blood; and may Heaven bless you in a consort of whom I deem you every way worthy!"
"But the rules of honor are really strict, and I had reason to worry that, no matter how much I wanted to be your friend, I might have to end up being your killer. Luckily, my reputation for courage is well established, so I won’t be judged for turning down your challenge. It was fortunate that during our meeting yesterday, you found me alone, which gave me control over the situation. If word of this gets out, it will be clear what happened and why, and I’m okay with that. However, if the challenge had been public, my past acts of bravery wouldn’t have justified my current refusal, and even though I wanted to avoid a fight, I wouldn’t have been able to. Let’s both learn to think carefully and avoid rash actions, as the outcomes may only be resolved with bloodshed; and may Heaven bless you with a partner who I believe you truly deserve!"
I have already said that this was by no means the only instance, in the course of his travels, in which Mr. Falkland acquitted himself in the most brilliant manner as a man of gallantry and virtue. He continued abroad during several years, every one of which brought some fresh accession to the estimation in which he was held, as well as to his own impatience of stain or dishonour. At length he thought proper to return to England, with the intention of spending the rest of his days at the residence of his ancestors.
I’ve already mentioned that this was far from the only time during his travels that Mr. Falkland distinguished himself as a man of honor and bravery. He stayed overseas for several years, each year adding to his reputation and increasing his intolerance for any kind of stain or dishonor. Eventually, he decided to return to England, planning to spend the rest of his days at his family’s home.
CHAPTER III.
From the moment he entered upon the execution of this purpose, dictated as it probably was by an unaffected principle of duty, his misfortunes took their commencement. All I have further to state of his history is the uninterrupted persecution of a malignant destiny, a series of adventures that seemed to take their rise in various accidents, but pointing to one termination. Him they overwhelmed with an anguish he was of all others least qualified to bear; and these waters of bitterness, extending beyond him, poured their deadly venom upon others. I being myself the most unfortunate of their victims.
From the moment he set out to achieve this goal, likely driven by a genuine sense of duty, his misfortunes began. All I have left to share about his story is the constant torment from a cruel fate, a series of events that seemed to arise from various accidents but all pointed to one outcome. This burden overwhelmed him with a grief he was least equipped to handle, and this bitterness, spreading beyond him, inflicted its toxic effects on others. I, being the most unfortunate of their victims.
The person in whom these calamities originated was Mr. Falkland's nearest neighbour, a man of estate equal to his own, by name Barnabas Tyrrel. This man one might at first have supposed of all others least qualified from instruction, or inclined by the habits of his life, to disturb the enjoyments of a mind so richly endowed as that of Mr. Falkland. Mr. Tyrrel might have passed for a true model of the English squire. He was early left under the tuition of his mother, a woman of narrow capacity, and who had no other child. The only remaining member of the family it may be necessary to notice was Miss Emily Melville, the orphan daughter of Mr. Tyrrel's paternal aunt; who now resided in the family mansion, and was wholly dependent on the benevolence of its proprietors.
The person responsible for these troubles was Mr. Falkland's closest neighbor, a man with a similar estate named Barnabas Tyrrel. At first glance, one might assume he was the least likely person to disrupt the happiness of someone as intellectually gifted as Mr. Falkland. Mr. Tyrrel could be seen as a quintessential English squire. He was raised primarily by his mother, a woman with a limited understanding, and he had no siblings. The only other family member worth mentioning is Miss Emily Melville, the orphaned daughter of Mr. Tyrrel's paternal aunt, who lived in the family mansion and was completely reliant on the kindness of its owners.
Mrs. Tyrrel appeared to think that there was nothing in the world so precious as her hopeful Barnabas. Every thing must give way to his accommodation and advantage; every one must yield the most servile obedience to his commands. He must not be teased or restricted by any forms of instruction; and of consequence his proficiency, even in the arts of writing and reading, was extremely slender. From his birth he was muscular and sturdy; and, confined to the ruelle of his mother, he made much such a figure as the whelp-lion that a barbarian might have given for a lap-dog to his mistress.
Mrs. Tyrrel seemed to believe that nothing in the world was as valuable as her hopeful Barnabas. Everything had to be adjusted for his comfort and benefit; everyone was expected to obey his commands without question. He shouldn't be bothered or limited by any kind of formal education; as a result, his skills in reading and writing were quite minimal. From birth, he was strong and robust; confined to his mother's ruelle, he resembled a lion cub that a barbarian might have gifted as a lapdog to his lady.
But he soon broke loose from these trammels, and formed an acquaintance with the groom and the game-keeper. Under their instruction he proved as ready a scholar, as he had been indocile and restive to the pedant who held the office of his tutor. It was now evident that his small proficiency in literature was by no means to be ascribed to want of capacity. He discovered no contemptible sagacity and quick-wittedness in the science of horse-flesh, and was eminently expert in the arts of shooting, fishing, and hunting. Nor did he confine himself to these, but added the theory and practice of boxing, cudgel play, and quarter-staff. These exercises added ten-fold robustness and vigour to his former qualifications.
But he quickly broke free from these restraints and got to know the groom and the gamekeeper. With their guidance, he became a eager learner, in contrast to his previous stubbornness towards the tutor who had been responsible for his education. It was clear now that his limited knowledge of literature was not due to a lack of ability. He showed impressive insight and quick thinking when it came to understanding horses, and he was highly skilled in shooting, fishing, and hunting. He didn't stop there; he also learned the theory and practice of boxing, stick fighting, and using a quarterstaff. These activities greatly enhanced his strength and energy compared to his earlier skills.
His stature, when grown, was somewhat more than five feet ten inches in height, and his form might have been selected by a painter as a model for that hero of antiquity, whose prowess consisted in felling an ox with his fist, and devouring him at a meal. Conscious of his advantage in this respect, he was insupportably arrogant, tyrannical to his inferiors, and insolent to his equals. The activity of his mind being diverted from the genuine field of utility and distinction, showed itself in the rude tricks of an overgrown lubber. Here, as in all his other qualifications, he rose above his competitors; and if it had been possible to overlook the callous and unrelenting disposition which they manifested, one could scarcely have denied his applause to the invention these freaks displayed, and the rough, sarcastic wit with which they were accompanied.
When he grew up, he stood a little over five feet ten inches tall, and his physique could have been chosen by an artist as a model for that ancient hero known for knocking down an ox with his bare hands and eating it in one sitting. Aware of his physical advantage, he was unbearably arrogant, oppressive to those below him, and disrespectful to his peers. Since his mental energy was wasted on trivial pursuits rather than on meaningful achievements, he expressed it in the clumsy antics of a giant child. In this, as in all his other traits, he outshined his rivals; and if one could ignore the cold and ruthless attitude he showed, it would have been hard not to admire the creativity of his antics and the rough, sarcastic humor that accompanied them.
Mr. Tyrrel was by no means inclined to permit these extraordinary merits to rust in oblivion. There was a weekly assembly at the nearest market-town, the resort of all the rural gentry. Here he had hitherto figured to the greatest advantage as grand master of the coterie, no one having an equal share of opulence, and the majority, though still pretending to the rank of gentry, greatly his inferior in this essential article. The young men in this circle looked up to this insolent bashaw with timid respect, conscious of the comparative eminence that unquestionably belonged to the powers of his mind; and he well knew how to maintain his rank with an inflexible hand. Frequently indeed he relaxed his features, and assumed a temporary appearance of affableness and familiarity; but they found by experience, that if any one, encouraged by his condescension, forgot the deference which Mr. Tyrrel considered as his due, he was soon taught to repent his presumption. It was a tiger that thought proper to toy with a mouse, the little animal every moment in danger of being crushed by the fangs of his ferocious associate. As Mr. Tyrrel had considerable copiousness of speech, and a rich, but undisciplined imagination, he was always sure of an audience. His neighbours crowded round, and joined in the ready laugh, partly from obsequiousness, and partly from unfeigned admiration. It frequently happened, however; that, in the midst of his good humour, a characteristic refinement of tyranny would suggest itself to his mind. When his subjects, encouraged by his familiarity, had discarded their precaution, the wayward fit would seize him, a sudden cloud overspread his brow, his voice transform from the pleasant to the terrible, and a quarrel of a straw immediately ensue with the first man whose face he did not like. The pleasure that resulted to others from the exuberant sallies of his imagination was, therefore, not unalloyed with sudden qualms of apprehension and terror. It may be believed that this despotism did not gain its final ascendancy without being contested in the outset. But all opposition was quelled with a high hand by this rural Antaeus. By the ascendancy of his fortune, and his character among his neighbours, he always reduced his adversary to the necessity of encountering him at his own weapons, and did not dismiss him without making him feel his presumption through every joint in his frame. The tyranny of Mr. Tyrrel would not have been so patiently endured, had not his colloquial accomplishments perpetually come in aid of that authority which his rank and prowess originally obtained.
Mr. Tyrrel was definitely not the type to let his impressive qualities fade into obscurity. There was a weekly gathering in the nearest market town, a place where all the local gentry met. Here, he had always shone as the leader of the group, having more wealth than anyone else, and most of the others, although still claiming gentry status, were significantly poorer than him. The young men in this group looked up to this arrogant figure with cautious respect, aware of the undeniable superiority of his intellect; he knew exactly how to maintain his position with an iron grip. He often relaxed his expression and put on a friendly, approachable demeanor, but they learned through experience that if anyone, emboldened by his friendliness, forgot to show the respect Mr. Tyrrel believed he deserved, they would quickly regret their boldness. He was like a tiger playing with a mouse, the little creature always at risk of being crushed by its ferocious companion. Since Mr. Tyrrel was very articulate and had a vivid but unruly imagination, he was always sure to draw a crowd. His neighbors gathered around, joining in the laughter, partly out of flattery and partly out of genuine admiration. However, it often happened that in the midst of his good mood, a distinctive twist of tyranny would cross his mind. When his subjects, feeling comfortable with his familiarity, let their guard down, a sudden change would come over him—his brow would darken, his voice would shift from pleasant to menacing, and a petty argument would arise with the first person whose face displeased him. Therefore, the enjoyment others took from his lively storytelling was often mixed with sudden feelings of anxiety and fear. It can be assumed that this tyranny didn’t secure its final hold without initial resistance. But all opposition was swiftly crushed by this rural strongman. Thanks to his wealth and his reputation among his neighbors, he always forced his opponents to confront him on his own terms, and he didn’t let them leave without making them acutely aware of their boldness. Mr. Tyrrel’s tyranny would not have been so readily accepted if it weren't for his conversational skills, which continually supported the authority that his status and strength initially won him.
The situation of our squire with the fair was still more enviable than that which he maintained among persons of his own sex. Every mother taught her daughter to consider the hand of Mr. Tyrrel as the highest object of her ambition. Every daughter regarded his athletic form and his acknowledged prowess with a favourable eye. A form eminently athletic is, perhaps, always well proportioned; and one of the qualifications that women are early taught to look for in the male sex, is that of a protector. As no man was adventurous enough to contest his superiority, so scarcely any woman in this provincial circle would have scrupled to prefer his addresses to those of any other admirer. His boisterous wit had peculiar charms for them; and there was no spectacle more flattering to their vanity, than seeing this Hercules exchange his club for a distaff. It was pleasing to them to consider, that the fangs of this wild beast, the very idea of which inspired trepidation into the boldest hearts, might be played with by them with the utmost security.
The situation of our squire with the ladies was even more enviable than his standing among men. Every mother encouraged her daughter to see Mr. Tyrrel's hand as the ultimate goal of her dreams. Every daughter admired his athletic build and recognized skills with favorable eyes. A notably athletic physique is often well proportioned, and one of the qualities women are taught to appreciate in men is that they can be protectors. Since no man dared to challenge his superiority, hardly any woman in this provincial circle would hesitate to accept his advances over those of any other suitor. His loud humor had a special appeal for them, and there was nothing more flattering to their vanity than watching this Hercules trade his club for a spindle. They found it satisfying to think that the claws of this wild beast, which could instill fear in the bravest hearts, could be handled by them with complete safety.
Such was the rival that Fortune, in her caprice, had reserved for the accomplished Falkland. This untamed, though not undiscerning brute, was found capable of destroying the prospects of a man the most eminently qualified to enjoy and to communicate happiness. The feud that sprung up between them was nourished by concurring circumstances, till it attained a magnitude difficult to be paralleled; and, because they regarded each other with a deadly hatred, I have become an object of misery and abhorrence.
Such was the rival that Fortune, in her whims, had in store for the skilled Falkland. This wild, yet not unthinking creature, was capable of wrecking the future of a person most fit to experience and share happiness. The conflict that arose between them was fueled by shared circumstances until it reached a size hard to match; and, because they viewed each other with intense hatred, I have become a source of suffering and disgust.
The arrival of Mr. Falkland gave an alarming shock to the authority of Mr. Tyrrel in the village assembly and in all scenes of indiscriminate resort. His disposition by no means inclined him to withhold himself from scenes of fashionable amusement; and he and his competitor were like two stars fated never to appear at once above the horizon. The advantages Mr. Falkland possessed in the comparison are palpable; and had it been otherwise, the subjects of his rural neighbour were sufficiently disposed to revolt against his merciless dominion. They had hitherto submitted from fear, and not from love; and, if they had not rebelled, it was only for want of a leader. Even the ladies regarded Mr. Falkland with particular complacence. His polished manners were peculiarly in harmony with feminine delicacy. The sallies of his wit were far beyond those of Mr. Tyrrel in variety and vigour; in addition to which they had the advantage of having their spontaneous exuberance guided and restrained by the sagacity of a cultivated mind. The graces of his person were enhanced by the elegance of his deportment; and the benevolence and liberality of his temper were upon all occasions conspicuous. It was common indeed to Mr. Tyrrel, together with Mr. Falkland, to be little accessible to sentiments of awkwardness and confusion. But for this Mr. Tyrrel was indebted to a self-satisfied effrontery, and a boisterous and over-bearing elocution, by which he was accustomed to discomfit his assailants; while Mr. Falkland, with great ingenuity and candour of mind, was enabled by his extensive knowledge of the world, and acquaintance with his own resources, to perceive almost instantaneously the proceeding it most became him to adopt.
The arrival of Mr. Falkland shocked Mr. Tyrrel's authority in the village assembly and at all social gatherings. Mr. Tyrrel wasn't one to avoid fashionable entertainment, and he and his rival seemed destined never to shine at the same time. The benefits Mr. Falkland had in this rivalry were clear; if the villagers hadn’t revolted before, it was because they feared him, not because they respected him. They had only held back from rebellion due to the lack of a leader. Even the women were particularly fond of Mr. Falkland. His refined manners resonated well with their sensibilities. His wit far surpassed Mr. Tyrrel’s, both in variety and energy, and it had the added benefit of being guided and moderated by his cultivated insight. His appearance was complemented by his graceful behavior, and his kindness and generosity were evident in all situations. Both Mr. Tyrrel and Mr. Falkland generally seemed unbothered by awkwardness and confusion. However, Mr. Tyrrel relied on his arrogant confidence and loud, domineering speech to unsettle opponents, while Mr. Falkland, with his cleverness and openness, quickly recognized the best course of action to take, thanks to his broad knowledge of the world and understanding of his own abilities.
Mr. Tyrrel contemplated the progress of his rival with uneasiness and aversion. He often commented upon it to his particular confidents as a thing altogether inconceivable. Mr. Falkland he described as an animal that was beneath contempt. Diminutive and dwarfish in his form, he wanted to set up a new standard of human nature, adapted to his miserable condition. He wished to persuade people that the human species were made to be nailed to a chair, and to pore over books. He would have them exchange those robust exercises which make us joyous in the performance, and vigorous in the consequences, for the wise labour of scratching our heads for a rhyme and counting our fingers for a verse. Monkeys were as good men as these. A nation of such animals would have no chance with a single regiment of the old English votaries of beef and pudding. He never saw any thing come of learning but to make people foppish and impertinent; and a sensible man would not wish a worse calamity to the enemies of his nation, than to see them run mad after such pernicious absurdities. It was impossible that people could seriously feel any liking for such a ridiculous piece of goods as this outlandish foreign-made Englishman. But he knew very well how it was: it was a miserable piece of mummery that was played only in spite of him. But God for ever blast his soul, if he were not bitterly revenged upon them all!
Mr. Tyrrel watched his rival's progress with unease and dislike. He often expressed to his close friends that it was completely unbelievable. He described Mr. Falkland as someone unworthy of respect. Small and weak in build, he wanted to create a new standard of humanity that matched his sad condition. He wanted to convince people that humans were meant to be stuck in a chair, buried in books. He preferred they swap the joyful activities that keep us lively and energetic for the pointless task of trying to come up with clever rhymes and counting syllables for lines. Monkeys would be just as good as these men. A nation full of such people wouldn't stand a chance against even a single regiment of old-fashioned English folks who enjoy their meat and pudding. He never saw any benefit to learning except to make people pretentious and rude; a sensible person would not wish a worse fate on his country's enemies than to see them go crazy over such harmful nonsense. It was impossible for anyone to genuinely admire such a ridiculous foreign-made Englishman. But he knew exactly how it was: it was a pathetic charade performed just to spite him. But may God forever curse his soul if he wasn’t completely revenged on all of them!
If such were the sentiments of Mr. Tyrrel, his patience found ample exercise in the language which was held by the rest of his neighbours on the same subject. While he saw nothing in Mr. Falkland but matter of contempt, they appeared to be never weary of recounting his praises. Such dignity, such affability, so perpetual an attention to the happiness of others, such delicacy of sentiment and expression! Learned without ostentation, refined without foppery, elegant without effeminacy! Perpetually anxious to prevent his superiority from being painfully felt, it was so much the more certainly felt to be real, and excited congratulation instead of envy in the spectator. It is scarcely necessary to remark, that the revolution of sentiment in this rural vicinity belongs to one of the most obvious features of the human mind. The rudest exhibition of art is at first admired, till a nobler is presented, and we are taught to wonder at the facility with which before we had been satisfied. Mr. Tyrrel thought there would be no end to the commendation; and expected when their common acquaintance would fall down and adore the intruder. The most inadvertent expression of applause inflicted upon him the torment of demons. He writhed with agony, his features became distorted, and his looks inspired terror. Such suffering would probably have soured the kindest temper; what must have been its effect upon Mr. Tyrrel's, always fierce, unrelenting, and abrupt?
If that was how Mr. Tyrrel felt, his patience was put to the test by what the rest of his neighbors said about the same topic. While he saw nothing in Mr. Falkland but reasons for contempt, they never seemed to tire of praising him. Such dignity, such friendliness, such constant concern for the happiness of others, such subtlety in thought and words! Knowledgeable without showing off, sophisticated without being vain, stylish without being soft! Always eager to ensure his superiority wasn't painfully obvious, it only made it more apparent and drew admiration instead of jealousy from onlookers. It’s hardly worth mentioning that the shift in opinion among this rural community is one of the most obvious traits of human nature. The simplest display of talent is initially admired until something better comes along, and we are amazed at how easily we were once satisfied. Mr. Tyrrel thought the praise would never end and expected their mutual acquaintances to kneel and worship this newcomer. The slightest sign of approval tormented him like a demon. He writhed in pain, his features twisted, and his expression sent chills down people's spines. Such agony would likely have soured even the kindest nature; how much worse was it for Mr. Tyrrel, who was always fierce, relentless, and abrupt?
The advantages of Mr. Falkland seemed by no means to diminish with their novelty. Every new sufferer from Mr. Tyrrel's tyranny immediately went over to the standard of his adversary. The ladies, though treated by their rustic swain with more gentleness than the men, were occasionally exposed to his capriciousness and insolence. They could not help remarking the contrast between these two leaders in the fields of chivalry, the one of whom paid no attention to any one's pleasure but his own, while the other seemed all good-humour and benevolence. It was in vain that Mr. Tyrrel endeavoured to restrain the ruggedness of his character. His motive was impatience, his thoughts were gloomy, and his courtship was like the pawings of an elephant. It appeared as if his temper had been more human while he indulged in its free bent, than now that he sullenly endeavoured to put fetters upon its excesses.
The advantages of Mr. Falkland definitely didn't fade with their novelty. Every new victim of Mr. Tyrrel's cruelty quickly joined his opponent's side. The ladies, while treated with more kindness by their rural suitor than the men, occasionally faced his unpredictable behavior and arrogance. They couldn't help but notice the sharp contrast between the two leaders in the realm of chivalry: one who cared only about his own enjoyment, and the other who was all about good-naturedness and kindness. Mr. Tyrrel's attempts to tone down his rough personality were futile. His impatience fueled his thoughts, making him gloomy, and his courtship felt awkward and heavy-handed. It seemed like his temper was more amiable when he let it run its course, instead of now when he sullenly tried to hold back its extremes.
Among the ladies of the village-assembly already mentioned, there was none that seemed to engage more of the kindness of Mr. Tyrrel than Miss Hardingham. She was also one of the few that had not yet gone over to the enemy, either because she really preferred the gentleman who was her oldest acquaintance, or that she conceived from calculation this conduct best adapted to insure her success in a husband. One day, however, she thought proper, probably only by way of experiment, to show Mr. Tyrrel that she could engage in hostilities, if he should at any time give her sufficient provocation. She so adjusted her manoeuvres as to be engaged by Mr. Falkland as his partner for the dance of the evening, though without the smallest intention on the part of that gentleman (who was unpardonably deficient in the sciences of anecdote and match-making) of giving offence to his country neighbour. Though the manners of Mr. Falkland were condescending and attentive, his hours of retirement were principally occupied in contemplations too dignified for scandal, and too large for the altercations of a vestry, or the politics of an election-borough.
Among the women in the village meeting mentioned earlier, none seemed to capture Mr. Tyrrel's attention more than Miss Hardingham. She was also one of the few who hadn’t switched sides yet, either because she genuinely preferred the gentleman who was her oldest acquaintance, or she figured that this approach would best help her secure a husband. One day, however, she decided, probably just as a test, to show Mr. Tyrrel that she could also take part in rivalries if he ever provoked her enough. She cleverly arranged for Mr. Falkland to be her partner for the evening's dance, although Mr. Falkland had no intention (he was unfortunately lacking in social skills and matchmaking) of offending his neighbor. Although Mr. Falkland was polite and attentive, he spent much of his time in thoughtful pursuits that were too noble for gossip and too significant for local disputes or election politics.
A short time before the dances began, Mr. Tyrrel went up to his fair inamorata, and entered into some trifling conversation with her to fill up the time, as intending in a few minutes to lead her forward to the field. He had accustomed himself to neglect the ceremony of soliciting beforehand a promise in his favour, as not supposing it possible that any one would dare dispute his behests; and, had it been otherwise, he would have thought the formality unnecessary in this case, his general preference to Miss Hardingham being notorious.
A little while before the dances started, Mr. Tyrrel approached his lovely crush and engaged her in light conversation to pass the time, planning to take her to the field in a few minutes. He had gotten used to skipping the formality of asking for a promise in advance, not thinking anyone would dare to challenge him; and even if they had, he would have found the formality unnecessary in this case, as everyone knew he preferred Miss Hardingham.
While he was thus engaged, Mr. Falkland came up. Mr. Tyrrel always regarded him with aversion and loathing. Mr. Falkland, however, slided in a graceful and unaffected manner into the conversation already begun; and the animated ingenuousness of his manner was such, as might for the time have disarmed the devil of his malice. Mr. Tyrrel probably conceived that his accosting Miss Hardingham was an accidental piece of general ceremony, and expected every moment when he would withdraw to another part of the room.
While he was busy, Mr. Falkland approached. Mr. Tyrrel always felt a strong dislike and disgust toward him. However, Mr. Falkland smoothly and naturally joined the ongoing conversation, his lively and genuine demeanor having the effect of momentarily disarming even the most malicious. Mr. Tyrrel likely thought that Falkland's greeting of Miss Hardingham was just a casual formality and expected him to move to another part of the room at any moment.
The company now began to be in motion for the dance, and Mr. Falkland signified as much to Miss Hardingham. "Sir," interrupted Mr. Tyrrel abruptly, "that lady is my partner."—"I believe not, sir: that lady has been so obliging as to accept my invitation."—"I tell you, sir, no. Sir, I have an interest in that lady's affections; and I will suffer no man to intrude upon my claims."—"The lady's affections are not the subject of the present question."—"Sir, it is to no purpose to parley. Make room, sir!"—Mr. Falkland gently repelled his antagonist. "Mr. Tyrrel!" returned he, with some firmness, "let us have no altercation in this business: the master of the ceremonies is the proper person to decide in a difference of this sort, if we cannot adjust it: we can neither of us intend to exhibit our valour before the ladies, and shall therefore cheerfully submit to his verdict."—"Damn me, sir, if I understand—" "Softly, Mr. Tyrrel; I intended you no offence. But, sir, no man shall prevent my asserting that to which I have once acquired a claim!"
The group was now getting ready for the dance, and Mr. Falkland let Miss Hardingham know. "Excuse me," Mr. Tyrrel interrupted sharply, "that lady is my partner."—"I don’t think so, sir: that lady has kindly accepted my invitation."—"I’m telling you, sir, no. I have a stake in that lady's affections, and I won’t allow anyone to intrude on my rights."—"The lady's affections aren't what's at stake here."—"Sir, it’s pointless to argue. Make way, sir!"—Mr. Falkland gently pushed back against his opponent. "Mr. Tyrrel!" he replied firmly, "let's not get into a dispute over this: the master of ceremonies is the right person to resolve a disagreement like this if we can't settle it ourselves. Neither of us wants to show off in front of the ladies, so we'll happily accept his decision."—"Damn it, sir, I don’t understand—" "Calm down, Mr. Tyrrel; I meant no offense. But, sir, no one will stop me from claiming what I’ve rightfully acquired!"
Mr. Falkland uttered these words with the most unruffled temper in the world. The tone in which he spoke had acquired elevation, but neither roughness nor impatience. There was a fascination in his manner that made the ferociousness of his antagonist subside into impotence. Miss Hardingham had begun to repent of her experiment, but her alarm was speedily quieted by the dignified composure of her new partner. Mr. Tyrrel walked away without answering a word. He muttered curses as he went, which the laws of honour did not oblige Mr. Falkland to overhear, and which indeed it would have been no easy task to have overheard with accuracy. Mr. Tyrrel would not, perhaps, have so easily given up his point, had not his own good sense presently taught him, that, however eager he might be for revenge, this was not the ground he should desire to occupy. But, though he could not openly resent this rebellion against his authority, he brooded over it in the recesses of a malignant mind; and it was evident enough that he was accumulating materials for a bitter account, to which he trusted his adversary should one day be brought.
Mr. Falkland said these words with the calmest demeanor imaginable. The tone he used was elevated but not harsh or impatient. There was something captivating about his manner that made his aggressive opponent feel powerless. Miss Hardingham started to regret her experiment, but her worry was quickly eased by her new partner's dignified calm. Mr. Tyrrel walked away without saying a word. He muttered curses under his breath as he left, which the rules of honor didn’t require Mr. Falkland to hear, and it would have been difficult to catch them accurately anyway. Mr. Tyrrel probably wouldn’t have so easily given up his point if his own common sense hadn’t quickly shown him that, no matter how much he wanted revenge, this wasn’t the battle he should choose. However, even though he couldn't openly retaliate against this challenge to his authority, he sulked over it in the dark corners of his spiteful mind; and it was clear that he was gathering reasons for a harsh reckoning, hoping that one day he could confront his rival about it.
CHAPTER IV.
This was only one out of innumerable instances, that every day seemed to multiply, of petty mortifications which Mr. Tyrrel was destined to endure on the part of Mr. Falkland. In all of them Mr. Falkland conducted himself with such unaffected propriety, as perpetually to add to the stock of his reputation. The more Mr. Tyrrel struggled with his misfortune, the more conspicuous and inveterate it became. A thousand times he cursed his stars, which took, as he apprehended, a malicious pleasure in making Mr. Falkland, at every turn, the instrument of his humiliation. Smarting under a succession of untoward events, he appeared to feel, in the most exquisite manner, the distinctions paid to his adversary, even in those points in which he had not the slightest pretensions. An instance of this now occurred.
This was just one of countless examples, which seemed to multiply every day, of the small humiliations that Mr. Tyrrel had to suffer from Mr. Falkland. In each case, Mr. Falkland behaved with such genuine composure that it only boosted his reputation further. The harder Mr. Tyrrel fought against his bad luck, the more obvious and deep-seated it became. A thousand times he cursed his fate, which he believed took a cruel pleasure in making Mr. Falkland, at every turn, the cause of his shame. Stinging from a series of unfortunate events, he seemed to feel, in the most intense way, the respect given to his rival, even in areas where he had no right to expect it. A particular instance of this just occurred.
Mr. Clare, a poet whose works have done immortal honour to the country that produced him, had lately retired, after a life spent in the sublimest efforts of genius, to enjoy the produce of his economy, and the reputation he had acquired, in this very neighbourhood. Such an inmate was looked up to by the country gentlemen with a degree of adoration. They felt a conscious pride in recollecting that the boast of England was a native of their vicinity; and they were by no means deficient in gratitude when they saw him, who had left them an adventurer, return into the midst of them, in the close of his days, crowned with honours and opulence. The reader is acquainted with his works: he has, probably, dwelt upon them with transport; and I need not remind him of their excellence: but he is, perhaps, a stranger to his personal qualifications; he does not know that his productions were scarcely more admirable than his conversation. In company he seemed to be the only person ignorant of the greatness of his fame. To the world his writings will long remain a kind of specimen of what the human mind is capable of performing; but no man perceived their defects so acutely as he, or saw so distinctly how much yet remained to be effected: he alone appeared to look upon his works with superiority and indifference. One of the features that most eminently distinguished him was a perpetual suavity of manners, a comprehensiveness of mind, that regarded the errors of others without a particle of resentment, and made it impossible for any one to be his enemy. He pointed out to men their mistakes with frankness and unreserve, his remonstrances produced astonishment and conviction, but without uneasiness, in the party to whom they were addressed: they felt the instrument that was employed to correct their irregularities, but it never mangled what it was intended to heal. Such were the moral qualities that distinguished him among his acquaintance. The intellectual accomplishments he exhibited were, principally, a tranquil and mild enthusiasm, and a richness of conception which dictated spontaneously to his tongue, and flowed with so much ease, that it was only by retrospect you could be made aware of the amazing variety of ideas that had been presented.
Mr. Clare, a poet whose works have brought everlasting honor to his homeland, had recently retired after a life dedicated to the highest achievements of creativity, looking to enjoy the results of his hard work and the reputation he earned in this very area. Such a resident was held in great admiration by the local gentlemen. They took pride in remembering that the pride of England was from their own neighborhood, and they felt thankful when they saw him, who had once left as an adventurer, return to them in his later years, celebrated and wealthy. The reader is familiar with his works; they have likely experienced them with great joy, and I don’t need to remind them of their brilliance. However, they may not know about his personal qualities; they might be unaware that his conversation was almost as admirable as his writing. In social settings, he seemed to be the only one unaware of how famous he had become. His writings will endure as a testament to what the human mind can achieve, but no one was more aware of their flaws than he was or saw so clearly how much more needed to be done: he alone appeared to view his works with a sense of detachment. One of the qualities that set him apart was his constant politeness and broad-mindedness, which allowed him to regard others' mistakes without any bitterness, making it impossible for anyone to be his enemy. He pointed out people’s errors with honesty and openness, his corrections evoked surprise and understanding, but without discomfort in those receiving them; they recognized the tool used to address their shortcomings, but it never harmed what it aimed to help. Such were the moral strengths that distinguished him among his peers. His intellectual traits were mainly a calm and gentle enthusiasm, and a richness of ideas that flowed effortlessly from him, so effortlessly that it was only in hindsight you could recognize the incredible variety of thoughts he had shared.
Mr. Clare certainly found few men in this remote situation that were capable of participating in his ideas and amusements. It has been among the weaknesses of great men to fly to solitude, and converse with woods and groves, rather than with a circle of strong and comprehensive minds like their own. From the moment of Mr. Falkland's arrival in the neighbourhood, Mr. Clare distinguished him in the most flattering manner. To so penetrating a genius there was no need of long experience and patient observation to discover the merits and defects of any character that presented itself. The materials of his judgment had long since been accumulated; and, at the close of so illustrious a life, he might almost be said to see through nature at a glance. What wonder that he took some interest in a mind in a certain degree congenial with his own? But to Mr. Tyrrel's diseased imagination, every distinction bestowed on his neighbour seemed to be expressly intended as an insult to him. On the other hand, Mr. Clare, though gentle and benevolent in his remonstrances to a degree that made the taking offence impossible, was by no means parsimonious of praise, or slow to make use of the deference that was paid him, for the purpose of procuring justice to merit.
Mr. Clare definitely found that there were few people in this remote area who could really engage with his ideas and interests. It's a common tendency for great individuals to seek solitude and talk to the trees and nature instead of engaging with a circle of strong, insightful minds like their own. From the moment Mr. Falkland arrived in the neighborhood, Mr. Clare recognized him in a very flattering way. A mind as sharp as his didn’t need a lot of experience and careful observation to recognize the strengths and weaknesses of any character that crossed his path. He had built up all the insights he needed over time, and by the end of such a remarkable life, he could almost see through the essence of people in an instant. It’s no surprise that he took an interest in a mind that was somewhat aligned with his own. However, for Mr. Tyrrel, whose imagination was troubled, it seemed like every compliment given to his neighbor was specifically meant to insult him. On the other hand, Mr. Clare, while gentle and kind in his responses to an extent that made it hard for anyone to be offended, was by no means stingy with praise or slow to use the respect he received to ensure that merit got the recognition it deserved.
It happened at one of those public meetings at which Mr. Falkland and Mr. Tyrrel were present, that the conversation, in one of the most numerous sets into which the company was broken, turned upon the poetical talents of the former. A lady, who was present, and was distinguished for the acuteness of her understanding, said, she had been favoured with a sight of a poem he had just written, entitled An Ode to the Genius of Chivalry, which appeared to her of exquisite merit. The curiosity of the company was immediately excited, and the lady added, she had a copy in her pocket, which was much at their service, provided its being thus produced would not be disagreeable to the author. The whole circle immediately entreated Mr. Falkland to comply with their wishes, and Mr. Clare, who was one of the company, enforced their petition. Nothing gave this gentleman so much pleasure as to have an opportunity of witnessing and doing justice to the exhibition of intellectual excellence. Mr. Falkland had no false modesty or affectation, and therefore readily yielded his consent.
It happened at one of those public meetings where Mr. Falkland and Mr. Tyrrel were present that the conversation, in one of the largest groups the company had divided into, shifted to the poetic talents of the former. A lady who was there, known for her sharp intellect, mentioned that she had been given a glimpse of a poem he had just written called An Ode to the Genius of Chivalry, which she viewed as exceptional. The curiosity of the group was instantly piqued, and the lady added that she had a copy in her pocket, readily available for them, as long as it wouldn’t be bothersome for the author. The entire group immediately urged Mr. Falkland to agree to their request, and Mr. Clare, who was part of the gathering, pressed the point. Nothing brought this gentleman more joy than having the chance to witness and appreciate a display of intellectual brilliance. Mr. Falkland had no false modesty or pretense, so he quickly agreed.
Mr. Tyrrel accidentally sat at the extremity of this circle. It cannot be supposed that the turn the conversation had taken was by any means agreeable to him. He appeared to wish to withdraw himself, but there seemed to be some unknown power that, as it were by enchantment, retained him in his place, and made him consent to drink to the dregs the bitter potion which envy had prepared for him.
Mr. Tyrrel accidentally sat at the edge of this circle. It’s clear that the direction the conversation took was anything but pleasant for him. He looked like he wanted to leave, but there seemed to be some unknown force that, almost magically, kept him in his seat and forced him to drink deeply from the bitter cup that envy had mixed for him.
The poem was read to the rest of the company by Mr. Clare, whose elocution was scarcely inferior to his other accomplishments. Simplicity, discrimination, and energy constantly attended him in the act of reading, and it is not easy to conceive a more refined delight than fell to the lot of those who had the good fortune to be his auditors. The beauties of Mr. Falkland's poem were accordingly exhibited with every advantage. The successive passions of the author were communicated to the hearer. What was impetuous, and what was solemn, were delivered with a responsive feeling, and a flowing and unlaboured tone. The pictures conjured up by the creative fancy of the poet were placed full to view, at one time overwhelming the soul with superstitious awe, and at another transporting it with luxuriant beauty.
The poem was read to the rest of the group by Mr. Clare, whose speaking style was just as impressive as his other talents. He brought simplicity, insight, and energy to his reading, making it hard to imagine a more refined pleasure for those lucky enough to listen to him. Mr. Falkland's poem was showcased in the best light possible. The author's changing emotions were conveyed to the audience. What was passionate and what was serious came across with genuine feeling and an easy, natural flow. The images created by the poet's imagination were vividly presented, at times filling the spirit with a sense of superstitious wonder, and at other times lifting it with rich beauty.
The character of the hearers upon this occasion has already been described. They were, for the most part, plain, unlettered, and of little refinement. Poetry in general they read, when read at all, from the mere force of imitation, and with few sensations of pleasure; but this poem had a peculiar vein of glowing inspiration. This very poem would probably have been seen by many of them with little effect; but the accents of Mr. Clare carried it home to the heart. He ended: and, as the countenances of his auditors had before sympathised with the passions of the composition, so now they emulated each other in declaring their approbation. Their sensations were of a sort to which they were little accustomed. One spoke, and another followed by a sort of uncontrollable impulse; and the rude and broken manner of their commendations rendered them the more singular and remarkable. But what was least to be endured was the behaviour of Mr. Clare. He returned the manuscript to the lady from whom he had received it, and then, addressing Mr. Falkland, said with emphasis and animation, "Ha! this is as it should be. It is of the right stamp. I have seen too many hard essays strained from the labour of a pedant, and pastoral ditties distressed in lack of a meaning. They are such as you sir, that we want. Do not forget, however, that the Muse was not given to add refinements to idleness, but for the highest and most invaluable purposes. Act up to the magnitude of your destiny."
The audience at this event has already been described. They were mostly simple, uneducated, and not very sophisticated. When they read poetry, if they did at all, it was mostly just to imitate, and they felt little enjoyment; but this poem had a special kind of passionate inspiration. Many of them might have reacted to this poem with indifference, but Mr. Clare’s delivery struck a chord in their hearts. When he finished, their expressions had previously mirrored the emotions of the poem, and now they each tried to express their approval. Their feelings were something they weren’t used to. One person spoke, then another followed almost uncontrollably, and the rough, fragmented way they praised the poem made it even more striking. But what was hardest to tolerate was Mr. Clare’s behavior. He returned the manuscript to the lady who had given it to him and then turned to Mr. Falkland, saying emphatically and passionately, “Ah! This is how it should be. It’s the real deal. I’ve seen too many dry essays twisted out of a pedant’s effort, and pastoral poems stressed by a lack of meaning. It’s people like you that we need. But remember, the Muse wasn’t meant for idle refinement, but for the greatest and most valuable purposes. Live up to the greatness of your destiny.”
A moment after, Mr. Clare quitted his seat, and with Mr. Falkland and two or three more withdrew. As soon as they were gone, Mr. Tyrrel edged further into the circle. He had sat silent so long that he seemed ready to burst with gall and indignation. "Mighty pretty verses!" said he, half talking to himself, and not addressing any particular person: "why, ay, the verses are well enough. Damnation! I should like to know what a ship-load of such stuff is good for."
A moment later, Mr. Clare got up from his seat and, along with Mr. Falkland and a couple of others, left the group. Once they were gone, Mr. Tyrrel moved closer into the circle. He had been silent for so long that he seemed about to explode with anger and frustration. "Really nice poetry!" he said, almost as if talking to himself and not directing his words at anyone in particular. "Sure, the verses are fine. Damn it! I’d love to know what a whole ship full of this stuff is good for."
"Why, surely," said the lady who had introduced Mr. Falkland's Ode on the present occasion, "you must allow that poetry is an agreeable and elegant amusement."
"Well, of course," said the woman who had introduced Mr. Falkland's Ode this time, "you have to admit that poetry is a delightful and refined pastime."
"Elegant, quotha!--Why, look at this Falkland! A puny bit of a thing! In the devil's name, madam, do you think he would write poetry if he could do any thing better?"
"Elegant, really?—Just take a look at this Falkland! A tiny little thing! I mean, seriously, do you think he would write poetry if he could do anything better?"
The conversation did not stop here. The lady expostulated. Several other persons, fresh from the sensation they had felt, contributed their share. Mr. Tyrrel grew more violent in his invectives, and found ease in uttering them. The persons who were able in any degree to check his vehemence were withdrawn. One speaker after another shrunk back into silence, too timid to oppose, or too indolent to contend with, the fierceness of his passion. He found the appearance of his old ascendancy; but he felt its deceitfulness and uncertainty, and was gloomily dissatisfied.
The conversation didn’t stop there. The lady protested. Several other people, still buzzing from the excitement they had felt, added their voices. Mr. Tyrrel became more aggressive in his rants and found relief in expressing them. Those who could somewhat temper his outbursts had stepped away. One speaker after another fell silent, either too afraid to challenge him or too lazy to confront the intensity of his anger. He felt the illusion of his old power returning, but he sensed its falsehood and instability, leaving him feeling darkly unhappy.
In his return from this assembly he was accompanied by a young man, whom similitude of manners had rendered one of his principal confidents, and whose road home was in part the same as his own. One might have thought that Mr. Tyrrel had sufficiently vented his spleen in the dialogue he had just been holding. But he was unable to dismiss from his recollection the anguish he had endured. "Damn Falkland!" said he. "What a pitiful scoundrel is here to make all this bustle about! But women and fools always will be fools; there is no help for that! Those that set them on have most to answer for; and most of all, Mr. Clare. He is a man that ought to know something of the world, and past being duped by gewgaws and tinsel. He seemed, too, to have some notion of things: I should not have suspected him of hallooing to a cry of mongrels without honesty or reason. But the world is all alike. Those that seem better than their neighbours, are only more artful. They mean the same thing, though they take a different road. He deceived me for a while, but it is all out now. They are the makers of the mischief. Fools might blunder, but they would not persist, if people that ought to set them right did not encourage them to go wrong."
On his way back from this meeting, he was joined by a young man who shared similar traits and had become one of his closest confidants, and whose route home partially overlapped with his. One might think Mr. Tyrrel had already vented his frustrations in the conversation he had just had. However, he couldn't shake off the pain he had felt. "Damn Falkland!" he said. "What a pathetic jerk to cause all this fuss! But women and fools will always be foolish; there's no fixing that! Those who encourage them have the most to answer for, especially Mr. Clare. He’s a guy who should know better and be beyond falling for flashy distractions. He also seemed to understand some things: I wouldn't have imagined him cheering on a bunch of dishonest and unreasonable losers. But the world is all the same. Those who appear better than others are just craftier. They have the same goals, even if they take different paths. He fooled me for a while, but it's all clear now. They are the ones creating the chaos. Fools might make mistakes, but they wouldn't keep going if the people who should set them straight didn't push them to go astray."
A few days after this adventure Mr. Tyrrel was surprised to receive a visit from Mr. Falkland. Mr. Falkland proceeded, without ceremony, to explain the motive of his coming.
A few days after this adventure, Mr. Tyrrel was surprised to get a visit from Mr. Falkland. Mr. Falkland immediately explained the reason for his visit.
"Mr. Tyrrel," said he, "I am come to have an amicable explanation with you."
"Mr. Tyrrel," he said, "I'm here to have a friendly discussion with you."
"Explanation! What is my offence?"
"Explain! What did I do wrong?"
"None in the world, sir; and for that reason I conceive this the fittest time to come to a right understanding."
"Nobody in the world, sir; and for that reason, I think this is the perfect time to reach a mutual understanding."
"You are in a devil of a hurry, sir. Are you clear that this haste will not mar, instead of make an understanding?"
"You’re in a big rush, sir. Are you sure that this hurry won’t hurt, rather than help, an understanding?"
"I think I am, sir. I have great faith in the purity of my intentions, and I will not doubt, when you perceive the view with which I come, that you will willingly co-operate with it."
"I believe I am, sir. I have strong faith in the sincerity of my intentions, and I won't doubt that when you see my perspective, you'll be eager to work with it."
"Mayhap, Mr. Falkland, we may not agree about that. One man thinks one way, and another man thinks another. Mayhap I do not think I have any great reason to be pleased with you already."
"Maybe, Mr. Falkland, we might not see eye to eye on that. One person thinks one way, and another person thinks another. Maybe I don’t have any good reason to be happy with you just yet."
"It may be so. I cannot, however, charge myself with having given you reason to be displeased."
"It might be true. However, I can't blame myself for giving you any reason to be upset."
"Well, sir, you have no right to put me out of humour with myself. If you come to play upon me, and try what sort of a fellow you shall have to deal with, damn me if you shall have any reason to hug yourself upon the experiment."
"Well, sir, you have no right to make me feel bad about myself. If you’re just here to mess with me and see what kind of person you’re dealing with, I swear you won’t have any reason to feel good about it afterward."
"Nothing, sir, is more easy for us than to quarrel. If you desire that, there is no fear that you will find opportunities."
"Nothing, sir, is easier for us than to argue. If that's what you want, you won’t have any trouble finding reasons."
"Damn me, sir, if I do not believe you are come to bully me."
"Darn it, sir, if I don't believe you're here to push me around."
"Mr. Tyrrel! sir—have a care!"
"Mr. Tyrrel! Sir—be careful!"
"Of what, sir!--Do you threaten me? Damn my soul! who are you? what do you come here for?"
"What's this, sir? Are you threatening me? Damn it! Who are you? What do you want here?"
The fieriness of Mr. Tyrrel brought Mr. Falkland to his recollection.
The intensity of Mr. Tyrrel reminded Mr. Falkland of him.
"I am wrong," said he. "I confess it. I came for purposes of peace. With that view I have taken the liberty to visit you. Whatever therefore might be my feelings upon another occasion, I am bound to suppress them now."
"I’m wrong," he said. "I admit it. I came here for peaceful reasons. With that in mind, I felt it was okay to visit you. No matter how I might feel at another time, I have to hold those feelings back right now."
"Ho!--Well, sir: and what have you further to offer?"
"Hey!--So, what else do you have to say?"
"Mr. Tyrrel," proceeded Mr. Falkland, "you will readily imagine that the cause that brought me was not a slight one. I would not have troubled you with a visit, but for important reasons. My coming is a pledge how deeply I am myself impressed with what I have to communicate.
"Mr. Tyrrel," Mr. Falkland continued, "you can easily guess that my reason for coming here isn’t trivial. I wouldn’t have taken the time to visit you if it weren’t for some important matters. My visit shows just how serious I am about what I need to share."
"We are in a critical situation. We are upon the brink of a whirlpool which, if once it get hold of us, will render all further deliberation impotent. An unfortunate jealousy seems to have insinuated itself between us, which I would willingly remove; and I come to ask your assistance. We are both of us nice of temper; we are both apt to kindle, and warm of resentment. Precaution in this stage can be dishonourable to neither; the time may come when we shall wish we had employed it, and find it too late. Why should we be enemies? Our tastes are different; our pursuits need not interfere. We both of us amply possess the means of happiness; We may be respected by all, and spend a long life of tranquillity and enjoyment. Will it be wise in us to exchange this prospect for the fruits of strife? A strife between persons with our peculiarities and our weaknesses, includes consequences that I shudder to think of. I fear, sir, that it is pregnant with death at least to one of us, and with misfortune and remorse to the survivor."
"We are in a critical situation. We're on the edge of a whirlpool that, once it catches us, will make any further discussion pointless. An unfortunate jealousy seems to have crept between us, and I would like to remove it; I’m here to ask for your help. We both have sensitive tempers; we’re both quick to get upset and hold onto resentment. Being cautious at this stage won’t harm either of us; there may come a time when we wish we had taken precautions, only to find it’s too late. Why should we be enemies? Our tastes differ, but our activities don’t have to clash. We both have plenty of resources for happiness; we can be respected by everyone and enjoy a long life of peace and joy. Would it be wise for us to trade this opportunity for the outcomes of conflict? A conflict between people like us, with our quirks and weaknesses, carries consequences that I dread to consider. I fear, sir, that it could lead to death for at least one of us, and to misfortune and regret for the one who survives."
"Upon my soul, you are a strange man! Why trouble me with your prophecies and forebodings?"
"Honestly, you are a weird guy! Why bother me with your predictions and worries?"
"Because it is necessary to your happiness! Because it becomes me to tell you of our danger now, rather than wait till my character will allow this tranquillity no longer!
"Because it’s essential for your happiness! Because I need to tell you about our danger now, rather than wait until my character won’t let me stay calm anymore!"
"By quarrelling we shall but imitate the great mass of mankind, who could easily quarrel in our place. Let us do better. Let us show that we have the magnanimity to contemn petty misunderstandings. By thus judging we shall do ourselves most substantial honour. By a contrary conduct we shall merely present a comedy for the amusement of our acquaintance."
"By fighting, we will only be copying the vast majority of people, who could easily argue in our stead. Let's do better. Let's prove we have the generosity to rise above trivial misunderstandings. By doing this, we will earn ourselves real respect. On the other hand, if we act differently, we will just be putting on a show for the entertainment of our friends."
"Do you think so? there may be something in that. Damn me, if I consent to be the jest of any man living."
"Do you really think so? There might be some truth to that. I swear, I won't let myself be the joke of anyone living."
"You are right, Mr. Tyrrel. Let us each act in the manner best calculated to excite respect. We neither of us wish to change roads; let us each suffer the other to pursue his own track unmolested. Be this our compact; and by mutual forbearance let us preserve mutual peace."
"You’re right, Mr. Tyrrel. Let’s each act in a way that earns respect. Neither of us wants to change paths; let’s allow each other to follow our own way without interruption. This will be our agreement; and through mutual patience, let’s maintain our peace."
Saying this, Mr. Falkland offered his hand to Mr. Tyrrel in token of fellowship. But the gesture was too significant. The wayward rustic, who seemed to have been somewhat impressed by what had preceded, taken as he now was by surprise, shrunk back. Mr. Falkland was again ready to take fire upon this new slight, but he checked himself.
Saying this, Mr. Falkland extended his hand to Mr. Tyrrel as a sign of camaraderie. But the gesture felt too important. The stubborn countryman, who appeared to be slightly moved by what had just happened, now caught off guard, pulled back. Mr. Falkland was once again ready to react angrily to this new disrespect, but he held himself back.
"All this is very unaccountable," cried Mr. Tyrrel. "What the devil can have made you so forward, if you had not some sly purpose to answer, by which I am to be overreached?"
"All this is very confusing," shouted Mr. Tyrrel. "What on earth has made you so eager, unless you have some hidden agenda that I’m supposed to fall for?"
"My purpose," replied Mr. Falkland, "is a manly and an honest purpose. Why should you refuse a proposition dictated by reason, and an equal regard to the interest of each?"
"My goal," Mr. Falkland replied, "is a straightforward and honest one. Why would you reject a proposal based on reason and equal concern for everyone's interests?"
Mr. Tyrrel had had an opportunity for pause, and fell back into his habitual character.
Mr. Tyrrel had the chance to take a break and quickly reverted to his usual self.
"Well, sir, in all this I must own there is some frankness. Now I will return you like for like. It is no matter how I came by it, my temper is rough, and will not be controlled. Mayhap you may think it is a weakness, but I do not desire to see it altered. Till you came, I found myself very well: I liked my neighbours, and my neighbours humoured me. But now the case is entirely altered; and, as long as I cannot stir abroad without meeting with some mortification in which you are directly or remotely concerned, I am determined to hate you. Now, sir, if you will only go out of the county or the kingdom, to the devil if you please, so as I may never hear of you any more, I will promise never to quarrel with you as long as I live. Your rhymes and your rebusses, your quirks and your conundrums, may then be every thing that is grand for what I care."
"Well, sir, I have to admit there's some honesty in all this. So now, I'll give you a taste of your own medicine. It doesn’t matter how I got this way; my temper is rough and can’t be controlled. You might see it as a weakness, but I don’t want to change it. Before you showed up, I was doing just fine: I liked my neighbors, and they got along with me. But now everything has changed; as long as I can’t go out without facing some embarrassment that involves you, directly or indirectly, I’m determined to hate you. Now, sir, if you would just leave the county or even the kingdom—go to the devil if you want!—so that I never have to hear about you again, I promise I’ll never argue with you as long as I live. Your rhymes and your puzzles, your quirks and your riddles can all be as amazing as you want, for all I care."
"Mr. Tyrrel, be reasonable! Might not I as well desire you to leave the county, as you desire me? I come to you, not as to a master, but an equal. In the society of men we must have something to endure, as well as to enjoy. No man must think that the world was made for him. Let us take things as we find them; and accommodate ourselves as we can to unavoidable circumstances."
"Mr. Tyrrel, be reasonable! Why should I leave the county when you want me to? I'm coming to you not as someone beneath you, but as your equal. In life, we have to deal with both things we like and things we don’t. No one should think the world is just for them. Let's accept things as they are and adapt to the situations we can't change."
"True, sir; all this is fine talking. But I return to my text: we are as God made us. I am neither a philosopher nor a poet, to set out upon a wild-goose chase of making myself a different man from what you find me. As for consequences, what must be must be. As we brew we must bake. And so, do you see? I shall not trouble myself about what is to be, but stand up to it with a stout heart when it comes. Only this I can tell you, that as long as I find you thrust into my dish every day I shall hate you as bad as senna and valerian. And damn me, if I do not think I hate you the more for coming to-day in this pragmatical way, when nobody sent for you, on purpose to show how much wiser you are than all the world besides."
"Sure, sir; all this is nice chatting. But let’s get back to the point: we are just how God made us. I’m neither a philosopher nor a poet, so I won’t go on some wild quest to change myself into someone you don't recognize. As for the outcomes, what happens will happen. We have to deal with the consequences of our actions. Do you see? I won’t worry about what’s coming; I’ll face it bravely when it arrives. The only thing I can tell you is that as long as I have to deal with you every day, I’ll dislike you as much as I dislike bitter herbs. And honestly, I think I hate you even more for coming here today in this self-righteous way, when no one asked for you, just to show how much smarter you think you are than everyone else."
"Mr. Tyrrel, I have done. I foresaw consequences, and came as a friend. I had hoped that, by mutual explanation, we should have come to a better understanding. I am disappointed; but, perhaps, when you coolly reflect on what has passed, you will give me credit for my intentions, and think that my proposal was not an unreasonable one."
"Mr. Tyrrel, I'm done. I predicted the consequences and came as a friend. I had hoped that through a mutual explanation, we could reach a better understanding. I'm disappointed; however, perhaps when you think about what has happened calmly, you’ll acknowledge my intentions and realize that my proposal wasn’t unreasonable."
Having said this, Mr. Falkland departed. Through the interview he, no doubt, conducted himself in a way that did him peculiar credit. Yet the warmth of his temper could not be entirely suppressed: and even when he was most exemplary, there was an apparent loftiness in his manner that was calculated to irritate; and the very grandeur with which he suppressed his passions, operated indirectly as a taunt to his opponent. The interview was prompted by the noblest sentiments; but it unquestionably served to widen the breach it was intended to heal.
Having said this, Mr. Falkland left. Throughout the conversation, he undoubtedly carried himself in a way that reflected well on him. However, he couldn't fully suppress his fiery temperament: even when he was on his best behavior, there was a noticeable arrogance in his attitude that could be irritating; and the very way he controlled his emotions ended up indirectly mocking his opponent. The meeting was driven by the best intentions, but it definitely ended up deepening the divide it was meant to fix.
For Mr. Tyrrel, he had recourse to his old expedient, and unburthened the tumult of his thoughts to his confidential friend. "This," cried he, "is a new artifice of the fellow, to prove his imagined superiority. We knew well enough that he had the gift of the gab. To be sure, if the world were to be governed by words, he would be in the right box. Oh, yes, he had it all hollow! But what signifies prating? Business must be done in another guess way than that. I wonder what possessed me that I did not kick him! But that is all to come. This is only a new debt added to the score, which he shall one day richly pay. This Falkland haunts me like a demon. I cannot wake but I think of him. I cannot sleep but I see him. He poisons all my pleasures. I should be glad to see him torn with tenter-hooks, and to grind his heart-strings with my teeth. I shall know no joy till I see him ruined. There may be some things right about him; but he is my perpetual torment. The thought of him hangs like a dead weight upon my heart, and I have a right to shake it off. Does he think I will feel all that I endure for nothing?"
For Mr. Tyrrel, he fell back on his usual tactic and poured out his troubled thoughts to his close friend. "This," he exclaimed, "is just another trick of that guy, trying to show off his supposed superiority. We already knew he could talk a big game. If the world were led by words, he'd be in charge for sure. Oh, yeah, he really knows how to manipulate! But what's the point of just talking? Business should be handled differently. I can't believe I didn't kick him! But that's a whole other issue. This is just another debt added to the tally, which he'll pay back one day. This Falkland is like a demon haunting me. I can't wake up without thinking about him. I can't sleep without seeing him. He ruins all my enjoyment. I'd be thrilled to see him suffer and to crush his heart with my teeth. I won't find any joy until I see him destroyed. There might be some decent things about him, but he's my constant torment. The thought of him weighs heavily on my heart, and I have the right to shake it off. Does he think I'm going to endure all this for nothing?"
In spite of the acerbity of Mr. Tyrrel's feelings, it is probable, however, he did some justice to his rival. He regarded him, indeed, with added dislike; but he no longer regarded him as a despicable foe. He avoided his encounter; he forbore to treat him with random hostility; he seemed to lie in wait for his victim, and to collect his venom for a mortal assault.
Despite Mr. Tyrrel's bitterness, it's likely he recognized some merit in his rival. He viewed him with even more dislike, but he no longer saw him as a contemptible enemy. He steered clear of confronting him, refrained from random acts of aggression, and appeared to be biding his time, gathering his anger for a decisive attack.
CHAPTER V.
It was not long after that a malignant distemper broke out in the neighbourhood, which proved fatal to many of the inhabitants, and was of unexampled rapidity in its effects. One of the first persons that was seized with it was Mr. Clare. It may be conceived, what grief and alarm this incident spread through the vicinity. Mr. Clare was considered by them as something more than mortal. The equanimity of his behaviour, his unassuming carriage, his exuberant benevolence and goodness of heart, joined with his talents, his inoffensive wit, and the comprehensiveness of his intelligence, made him the idol of all that knew him. In the scene of his rural retreat, at least, he had no enemy. All mourned the danger that now threatened him. He appeared to have had the prospect of long life, and of going down to his grave full of years and of honour. Perhaps these appearances were deceitful. Perhaps the intellectual efforts he had made, which were occasionally more sudden, violent, and unintermitted, than a strict regard to health would have dictated, had laid the seed of future disease. But a sanguine observer would infallibly have predicted, that his temperate habits, activity of mind, and unabated cheerfulness, would be able even to keep death at bay for a time, and baffle the attacks of distemper, provided their approach were not uncommonly rapid and violent. The general affliction, therefore, was doubly pungent upon the present occasion.
It wasn't long after that a harmful illness broke out in the neighborhood, which turned out to be fatal for many residents and spread with unprecedented speed. One of the first to be affected was Mr. Clare. One can imagine the grief and panic this caused in the community. Mr. Clare was regarded as something more than just human. His calm demeanor, humble nature, overwhelming kindness, and goodness of heart, combined with his talents, harmless humor, and broad intelligence, made him the idol of everyone who knew him. In his rural retreat, he had no enemies. Everyone mourned the danger now facing him. He seemed destined for a long life, expected to pass away full of years and honor. Perhaps this was an illusion. Maybe the intense intellectual efforts he had made, which were sometimes more sudden, intense, and relentless than a strict concern for health would allow, had sown the seeds of future illness. But an optimistic observer would surely have predicted that his moderate habits, active mind, and unceasing cheerfulness could keep death at bay for a while and resist the onset of illness, as long as it wasn’t unusually rapid and severe. Therefore, the general sorrow was especially intense on this occasion.
But no one was so much affected as Mr. Falkland. Perhaps no man so well understood the value of the life that was now at stake. He immediately hastened to the spot; but he found some difficulty in gaining admission. Mr. Clare, aware of the infectious nature of his disease, had given directions that as few persons as possible should approach him. Mr. Falkland sent up his name. He was told that he was included in the general orders. He was not, however, of a temper to be easily repulsed; he persisted with obstinacy, and at length carried his point, being only reminded in the first instance to employ those precautions which experience has proved most effectual for counteracting infection.
But no one was affected as much as Mr. Falkland. Maybe no one understood the value of the life that was now at risk better than him. He quickly rushed to the scene, but he had some trouble getting in. Mr. Clare, knowing how contagious his illness was, had instructed that as few people as possible should get close to him. Mr. Falkland had his name sent up. He was told that he was included in the general orders. However, he wasn't the type to be easily turned away; he insisted stubbornly, and eventually got his way, only being reminded at first to take the precautions that experience has shown are most effective against infection.
He found Mr. Clare in his bed-chamber, but not in bed. He was sitting in his night-gown at a bureau near the window. His appearance was composed and cheerful, but death was in his countenance. "I had a great inclination, Falkland," said he, "not to have suffered you to come in; and yet there is not a person in the world it could give me more pleasure to see. But, upon second thoughts, I believe there are few people that could run into a danger of this kind with a better prospect of escaping. In your case, at least, the garrison will not, I trust, be taken through the treachery of the commander. I cannot tell how it is that I, who can preach wisdom to you, have myself been caught. But do not be discouraged by my example. I had no notice of my danger, or I would have acquitted myself better."
He found Mr. Clare in his bedroom, but not in bed. He was sitting in his nightgown at a desk near the window. He looked calm and cheerful, but there was a shadow of death on his face. "I really wanted, Falkland," he said, "not to let you in; yet there isn't anyone in the world I’d rather see. But, thinking it over, I suppose there are few people who could face a danger like this with a better chance of getting away. In your case, at least, I trust the fort won’t fall due to the treachery of the leader. I can't figure out how it is that I, who can preach wisdom to you, have found myself trapped. But don’t be discouraged by my example. I had no warning of my danger, or I would have handled it better."
Mr. Falkland having once established himself in the apartment of his friend, would upon no terms consent to retire. Mr. Clare considered that there was perhaps less danger in this choice, than in the frequent change from the extremes of a pure to a tainted air, and desisted from expostulation. "Falkland," said he, "when you came in, I had just finished making my will. I was not pleased with what I had formerly drawn up upon that subject, and I did not choose in my present situation to call in an attorney. In fact, it would be strange if a man of sense, with pure and direct intentions, should not be able to perform such a function for himself."
Mr. Falkland, once settled in his friend's apartment, refused to leave under any circumstances. Mr. Clare thought there was probably less risk in this decision than in constantly switching from fresh air to polluted air, so he stopped trying to convince him otherwise. "Falkland," he said, "when you arrived, I had just finished making my will. I wasn't happy with what I had previously written on that matter, and I didn't want to call in a lawyer in my current situation. Honestly, it would be odd if a sensible man with honest intentions couldn't handle this task on his own."
Mr. Clare continued to act in the same easy and disengaged manner as in perfect health. To judge from the cheerfulness of his tone and the firmness of his manner, the thought would never once have occurred that he was dying. He walked, he reasoned, he jested, in a way that argued the most perfect self-possession. But his appearance changed perceptibly for the worse every quarter of an hour. Mr. Falkland kept his eye perpetually fixed upon him, with mingled sentiments of anxiety and admiration.
Mr. Clare acted just as relaxed and casual as if he were in perfect health. From the cheerful tone of his voice and the steadiness of his demeanor, you would never think he was dying. He walked, talked, and joked in a way that showed complete confidence. But his appearance noticeably worsened every fifteen minutes. Mr. Falkland kept a constant watch on him, feeling both anxious and impressed.
"Falkland," said he, after having appeared for a short period absorbed in thought, "I feel that I am dying. This is a strange distemper of mine. Yesterday I seemed in perfect health, and to-morrow I shall be an insensible corpse. How curious is the line that separates life and death to mortal men! To be at one moment active, gay, penetrating, with stores of knowledge at one's command, capable of delighting, instructing, and animating mankind, and the next, lifeless and loathsome, an incumbrance upon the face of the earth! Such is the history of many men, and such will be mine.
"Falkland," he said, after looking lost in thought for a moment, "I feel like I'm dying. This is a strange sickness of mine. Yesterday I felt perfectly healthy, and tomorrow I’ll be just a lifeless body. How strange is the thin line that separates life and death for us mortals! One moment being active, cheerful, insightful, with a wealth of knowledge at my fingertips, able to inspire, teach, and uplift humanity, and the next, dead and repulsive, just a burden on this earth! This is the story of many men, and it will be mine too."
"I feel as if I had yet much to do in the world; but it will not be. I must be contented with what is past. It is in vain that I muster all my spirits to my heart. The enemy is too mighty and too merciless for me; he will not give me time so much as to breathe. These things are not yet at least in our power: they are parts of a great series that is perpetually flowing. The general welfare, the great business of the universe, will go on, though I bear no further share in promoting it. That task is reserved for younger strengths, for you, Falkland, and such as you. We should be contemptible indeed if the prospect of human improvement did not yield us a pure and perfect delight, independently of the question of our existing to partake of it. Mankind would have little to envy to future ages, if they had all enjoyed a serenity as perfect as mine has been for the latter half of my existence."
"I feel like I still have a lot to do in the world; but it won't be. I have to be satisfied with what’s in the past. It’s pointless for me to rally all my strength. The enemy is too powerful and too ruthless for me; he won’t even give me time to catch my breath. These things are not yet in our control: they are parts of a vast flow that keeps moving. The overall well-being, the major work of the universe, will continue, even if I no longer play a part in furthering it. That responsibility is left to younger energies, to you, Falkland, and others like you. We would be truly pitiful if the idea of human progress didn’t bring us pure and complete joy, regardless of whether we’re around to experience it. Humanity would have little to envy in future generations if they’ve all had a peace as perfect as mine has been for the last half of my life."
Mr. Clare sat up through the whole day, indulging himself in easy and cheerful exertions, which were perhaps better calculated to refresh and invigorate the frame, than if he had sought repose in its direct form. Now and then he was visited with a sudden pang; but it was no sooner felt, than he seemed to rise above it, and smiled at the impotence of these attacks. They might destroy him, but they could not disturb. Three or four times he was bedewed with profuse sweats; and these again were succeeded by an extreme dryness and burning heat of the skin. He was next covered with small livid spots: symptoms of shivering followed, but these he drove away with a determined resolution. He then became tranquil and composed, and, after some time, decided to go to bed, it being already night. "Falkland," said he, pressing his hand, "the task of dying is not so difficult as some imagine. When one looks back from the brink of it, one wonders that so total a subversion can take place at so easy a price."
Mr. Clare stayed up all day, letting himself enjoy light and cheerful activities, which were probably more effective for refreshing and energizing him than if he had just rested. Every now and then, he felt a sudden pain, but it was gone as quickly as it came, and he smiled at how powerless these attacks were. They might be able to take him down, but they couldn’t shake him. He experienced several episodes of heavy sweating, followed by severe dryness and burning skin. Then, small purplish spots appeared on his skin, followed by chills, but he pushed those away with strong determination. Afterward, he became calm and collected, and after a while, he decided to go to bed since it was already night. "Falkland," he said, squeezing his hand, "the process of dying isn't as hard as some people think. When you look back from the edge of it, you wonder how such a complete change can occur at such a small cost."
He had now been some time in bed, and, as every thing was still, Mr. Falkland hoped that he slept; but in that he was mistaken. Presently Mr. Clare threw back the curtain, and looked in the countenance of his friend. "I cannot sleep," said he. "No, if I could sleep, it would be the same thing as to recover; and I am destined to have the worst in this battle.
He had been in bed for a while, and since everything was quiet, Mr. Falkland hoped he was asleep; but he was wrong. Soon, Mr. Clare pulled back the curtain and gazed at his friend's face. "I can’t sleep," he said. "No, if I could sleep, that would mean I'm recovering; but I'm fated to lose this fight."
"Falkland, I have been thinking about you. I do not know any one whose future usefulness I contemplate with greater hope. Take care of yourself. Do not let the world be defrauded of your virtues. I am acquainted with your weakness as well as your strength. You have an impetuosity, and an impatience of imagined dishonour, that, if once set wrong, may make you as eminently mischievous as you will otherwise be useful. Think seriously of exterminating this error!
"Falkland, I've been thinking about you. I don’t know anyone else whose future contributions I look forward to with more hope. Take care of yourself. Don’t let the world miss out on your qualities. I know both your weaknesses and your strengths. You have a tendency to be impulsive and an impatience towards perceived dishonor that, if it gets out of control, could make you as harmful as you are otherwise helpful. Seriously consider getting rid of this flaw!"
"But if I cannot, in the brief expostulation my present situation will allow, produce this desirable change in you, there is at least one thing I can do. I can put you upon your guard against a mischief I foresee to be imminent. Beware of Mr. Tyrrel. Do not commit the mistake of despising him as an unequal opponent. Petty causes may produce great mischiefs. Mr. Tyrrel is boisterous, rugged, and unfeeling; and you are too passionate, too acutely sensible of injury. It would be truly to be lamented, if a man so inferior, so utterly unworthy to be compared with you, should be capable of changing your whole history into misery and guilt. I have a painful presentiment upon my heart, as if something dreadful would reach you from that quarter. Think of this. I exact no promise from you. I would not shackle you with the fetters of superstition; I would have you governed by justice and reason."
"But if I can’t, in the short explanation my current situation allows, create this much-desired change in you, there is at least one thing I can do. I can warn you about a danger I see approaching. Watch out for Mr. Tyrrel. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating him as an unequal opponent. Small issues can lead to big problems. Mr. Tyrrel is loud, rough, and insensitive; while you are too passionate, too sensitive to hurt. It would be truly sad if someone so inferior, so completely unworthy of being compared to you, could turn your entire life into misery and guilt. I have a troubling feeling in my heart, as if something terrible is about to happen from that direction. Think about this. I’m not asking for any promises from you. I wouldn’t want to bind you with the chains of superstition; I want you to be guided by fairness and reason."
Mr. Falkland was deeply affected with this expostulation. His sense of the generous attention of Mr. Clare at such a moment, was so great as almost to deprive him of utterance. He spoke in short sentences, and with visible effort. "I will behave better," replied he. "Never fear me! Your admonitions shall not be thrown away upon me."
Mr. Falkland was really moved by this plea. The kindness Mr. Clare showed him at that moment struck him so deeply that he struggled to find the words. He spoke in short sentences, putting in visible effort. "I’ll do better," he said. "Don’t worry about me! Your advice won't go ignored."
Mr. Clare adverted to another subject. "I have made you my executor; you will not refuse me this last office of friendship. It is but a short time that I have had the happiness of knowing you; but in that short time I have examined you well, and seen you thoroughly. Do not disappoint the sanguine hope I have entertained!
Mr. Clare shifted to a different topic. "I've made you my executor; please don't turn me down for this final favor. It hasn't been long since I first had the pleasure of knowing you, but in that time, I've really gotten to know you. Don't let me down with the hopeful expectations I have!"
"I have left some legacies. My former connections, while I lived amidst the busy haunts of men, as many of them as were intimate, are all of them dear to me. I have not had time to summon them about me upon the present occasion, nor did I desire it. The remembrances of me will, I hope, answer a better purpose than such as are usually thought of on similar occasions."
"I have left behind some legacies. My past connections, while I was surrounded by the hustle and bustle of life, especially those I was close to, are all special to me. I haven’t had the chance to gather them all here today, nor did I want to. I hope the memories of me will serve a more meaningful purpose than what’s usually considered on occasions like this."
Mr. Clare, having thus unburthened his mind, spoke no more for several hours. Towards morning Mr. Falkland quietly withdrew the curtain, and looked at the dying man. His eyes were open, and were now gently turned towards his young friend. His countenance was sunk, and of a death-like appearance. "I hope you are better," said Falkland in a half whisper, as if afraid of disturbing him. Mr. Clare drew his hand from the bed-clothes, and stretched it forward; Mr. Falkland advanced, and took hold of it. "Much better," said Mr. Clare, in a voice inward and hardly articulate; "the struggle is now over; I have finished my part; farewell! remember!" These were his last words. He lived still a few hours; his lips were sometimes seen to move; he expired without a groan.
Mr. Clare, having shared his thoughts, didn’t speak for several hours. As morning approached, Mr. Falkland quietly pulled back the curtain and looked at the dying man. His eyes were open and gently turned towards his young friend. His face was sunken and had a death-like appearance. "I hope you're feeling better," said Falkland in a low whisper, as if afraid of disturbing him. Mr. Clare pulled his hand out from under the blankets and reached it out; Mr. Falkland stepped forward and took it. "Much better," Mr. Clare said, his voice soft and barely audible; "the struggle is over now; I’ve done my part; goodbye! remember!" Those were his last words. He lived a few more hours; sometimes his lips could be seen moving; he passed away without a sound.
Mr. Falkland had witnessed the scene with much anxiety. His hopes of a favourable crisis, and his fear of disturbing the last moments of his friend, had held him dumb. For the last half hour he had stood up, with his eyes intently fixed upon Mr. Clare. He witnessed the last gasp, the last little convulsive motion of the frame. He continued to look; he sometimes imagined that he saw life renewed. At length he could deceive himself no longer, and exclaimed with a distracted accent, "And is this all?" He would have thrown himself upon the body of his friend; the attendants withheld, and would have forced him into another apartment. But he struggled from them, and hung fondly over the bed. "Is this the end of genius, virtue, and excellence? Is the luminary of the world thus for ever gone? Oh, yesterday! yesterday! Clare, why could not I have died in your stead? Dreadful moment! Irreparable loss! Lost in the very maturity and vigour of his mind! Cut off from a usefulness ten thousand times greater than any he had already exhibited! Oh, his was a mind to have instructed sages, and guided the moral world! This is all we have left of him! The eloquence of those lips is gone! The incessant activity of that heart is still! The best and wisest of men is gone, and the world is insensible of its loss!"
Mr. Falkland watched the scene with great anxiety. His hopes for a positive outcome and his fear of interrupting his friend's last moments kept him silent. For the last half hour, he had been standing, his eyes glued to Mr. Clare. He saw the final breath, the last small convulsion of his body. He kept watching, sometimes thinking he saw life returning. Eventually, he could no longer convince himself and shouted in a distressed tone, "Is this it?" He wanted to throw himself onto his friend's body, but the attendants held him back and tried to lead him to another room. However, he pushed away from them and leaned over the bed with affection. "Is this the end of genius, virtue, and excellence? Is the shining light of the world gone forever like this? Oh, yesterday! Yesterday! Clare, why couldn't I have died in your place? What a terrible moment! An irreparable loss! Lost in the very prime and strength of his mind! Cut off from a usefulness that was a thousand times greater than anything he had already shown! Oh, he had a mind that could have educated great thinkers and guided the moral compass of the world! This is all we have left of him! The eloquence of those lips is gone! The endless energy of that heart has stopped! The best and wisest of men is gone, and the world is unaware of its loss!"
Mr. Tyrrel heard the intelligence of Mr. Clare's death with emotion, but of a different kind. He avowed that he had not forgiven him his partial attachment to Mr. Falkland, and therefore could not recall his remembrance with kindness. But if he could have overlooked his past injustice, sufficient care, it seems, was taken to keep alive his resentment. "Falkland, forsooth, attended him on his death-bed, as if nobody else were worthy of his confidential communications." But what was worst of all was this executorship. "In every thing this pragmatical rascal throws me behind. Contemptible wretch, that has nothing of the man about him! Must he perpetually trample upon his betters? Is every body incapable of saying what kind of stuff a man is made of? caught with mere outside? choosing the flimsy before the substantial? And upon his death-bed too? [Mr. Tyrrel with his uncultivated brutality mixed, as usually happens, certain rude notions of religion.] Sure the sense of his situation might have shamed him. Poor wretch! his soul has a great deal to answer for. He has made my pillow uneasy; and, whatever may be the consequences, it is he we have to thank for them."
Mr. Tyrrel learned about Mr. Clare's death with mixed feelings, but not the kind one might expect. He admitted he had not forgiven Clare for favoring Mr. Falkland, so he couldn’t remember him fondly. Even if he could let go of his past grievances, it seemed that enough was done to keep his bitterness alive. "Falkland, of all people, was by his side on his deathbed, as if no one else was deserving of his trust." What annoyed him the most was the fact that he was the executor. "In everything, this annoying fool puts me in the background. What a pathetic man, who has none of the qualities of a real person! Does he always have to step on those better than him? Is no one able to see the true nature of a person? Obsessed with appearances? Choosing the superficial over the substantial? And on his deathbed too? [Mr. Tyrrel, with his rough brutishness, intertwined certain coarse ideas about religion.] Surely the awareness of his situation should have humbled him. Poor soul! He has a lot to answer for. He has made my rest uneasy; and, regardless of what happens next, he is to blame for that."
The death of Mr. Clare removed the person who could most effectually have moderated the animosities of the contending parties, and took away the great operative check upon the excesses of Mr. Tyrrel. This rustic tyrant had been held in involuntary restraint by the intellectual ascendancy of his celebrated neighbour: and, notwithstanding the general ferocity of his temper, he did not appear till lately to have entertained a hatred against him. In the short time that had elapsed from the period in which Mr. Clare had fixed his residence in the neighbourhood, to that of the arrival of Mr. Falkland from the Continent, the conduct of Mr. Tyrrel had even shown tokens of improvement. He would indeed have been better satisfied not to have had even this intruder into a circle where he had been accustomed to reign. But with Mr. Clare he could have no rivalship; the venerable character of Mr. Clare disposed him to submission: this great man seemed to have survived all the acrimony of contention, and all the jealous subtleties of a mistaken honour.
The death of Mr. Clare took away the person who could have most effectively eased the tensions between the opposing parties and removed the significant check on Mr. Tyrrel's excesses. This local tyrant had been held back involuntarily by the intellectual dominance of his well-known neighbor; despite his generally fierce temper, he hadn't seemed to harbor hatred for him until recently. In the short time since Mr. Clare had moved to the area until Mr. Falkland arrived from the Continent, Mr. Tyrrel's behavior had even shown signs of improvement. He would have preferred not to have this newcomer in a space where he had been used to holding power. However, with Mr. Clare, he had no competition; the respected character of Mr. Clare led him to submit. This great man seemed to have risen above all the bitterness of conflict and the envious games of a misguided sense of honor.
The effects of Mr. Clare's suavity however, so far as related to Mr. Tyrrel, had been in a certain degree suspended by considerations of rivalship between this gentleman and Mr. Falkland. And, now that the influence of Mr. Clare's presence and virtues was entirely removed, Mr. Tyrrel's temper broke out into more criminal excesses than ever. The added gloom which Mr. Falkland's neighbourhood inspired, overflowed upon all his connections; and the new examples of his sullenness and tyranny which every day afforded, reflected back upon this accumulated and portentous feud.
The effects of Mr. Clare's charm, however, were somewhat put on hold due to the rivalry between Mr. Tyrrel and Mr. Falkland. Now that Mr. Clare's positive influence was completely gone, Mr. Tyrrel's temper flared up even more than before. The added darkness brought on by Mr. Falkland's presence affected everyone around him, and each day brought new instances of his moodiness and cruelty, which intensified this ongoing and dangerous conflict.
CHAPTER VI.
The consequences of all this speedily manifested themselves. The very next incident in the story was in some degree decisive of the catastrophe. Hitherto I have spoken only of preliminary matters, seemingly unconnected with each other, though leading to that state of mind in both parties which had such fatal effects. But all that remains is rapid and tremendous. The death-dealing mischief advances with an accelerated motion, appearing to defy human wisdom and strength to obstruct its operation.
The consequences of all this quickly became apparent. The very next event in the story played a significant role in the disaster. Up until now, I have only talked about preliminary issues that seemed unrelated but contributed to the mindset of both parties, which had such devastating effects. But what follows is fast and overwhelming. The deadly trouble advances at a rapid pace, seemingly challenging human wisdom and strength to stop its course.
The vices of Mr. Tyrrel, in their present state of augmentation, were peculiarly exercised upon his domestics and dependents. But the principal sufferer was the young lady mentioned on a former occasion, the orphan daughter of his father's sister. Miss Melville's mother had married imprudently, or rather unfortunately, against the consent of her relations, all of whom had agreed to withdraw their countenance from her in consequence of that precipitate step. Her husband had turned out to be no better than an adventurer; had spent her fortune, which in consequence of the irreconcilableness of her family was less than he expected, and had broken her heart. Her infant daughter was left without any resource. In this situation the representations of the people with whom she happened to be placed, prevailed upon Mrs. Tyrrel, the mother of the squire, to receive her into her family. In equity, perhaps, she was entitled to that portion of fortune which her mother had forfeited by her imprudence, and which had gone to swell the property of the male representative. But this idea had never entered into the conceptions of either mother or son. Mrs. Tyrrel conceived that she performed an act of the most exalted benevolence in admitting Miss Emily into a sort of equivocal situation, which was neither precisely that of a domestic, nor yet marked with the treatment that might seem due to one of the family.
Mr. Tyrrel's vices, which had grown worse, were particularly directed at his servants and dependents. However, the main victim was the young lady I mentioned earlier, the orphan daughter of his father's sister. Miss Melville's mother had married foolishly, or rather unfortunately, against her family's wishes, leading them all to cut ties with her after that hasty decision. Her husband turned out to be nothing more than a con artist; he had squandered her fortune, which was smaller than he had hoped due to her family's rejection, and ultimately broke her heart. Her infant daughter was left with no support. In this difficult situation, the people she was living with convinced Mrs. Tyrrel, the squire's mother, to take her in. Logically, she should have had a claim to the share of her mother's fortune that was lost due to her mother's poor choices, which had enriched the male heir. But neither she nor her son ever considered this. Mrs. Tyrrel believed she was doing a great act of kindness by taking in Miss Emily, but the arrangement was ambiguous—it was neither a proper domestic role nor one that conveyed the respect due to a family member.
She had not, however, at first been sensible of all the mortifications that might have been expected from her condition. Mrs. Tyrrel, though proud and imperious, was not ill-natured. The female, who lived in the family in the capacity of housekeeper, was a person who had seen better days, and whose disposition was extremely upright and amiable. She early contracted a friendship for the little Emily, who was indeed for the most part committed to her care. Emily, on her side, fully repaid the affection of her instructress, and learned with great docility the few accomplishments Mrs. Jakeman was able to communicate. But most of all she imbibed her cheerful and artless temper, that extracted the agreeable and encouraging from all events, and prompted her to communicate her sentiments, which were never of the cynical cast, without modification or disguise. Besides the advantages Emily derived from Mrs. Jakeman, she was permitted to take lessons from the masters who were employed at Tyrrel Place for the instruction of her cousin; and indeed, as the young gentleman was most frequently indisposed to attend to them, they would commonly have had nothing to do, had it not been for the fortunate presence of Miss Melville. Mrs. Tyrrel therefore encouraged the studies of Emily on that score; in addition to which she imagined that this living exhibition of instruction might operate as an indirect allurement to her darling Barnabas, the only species of motive she would suffer to be presented. Force she absolutely forbade; and of the intrinsic allurements of literature and knowledge she had no conception.
She hadn’t really noticed at first all the embarrassments that might have been expected due to her situation. Mrs. Tyrrel, though proud and commanding, wasn’t mean-spirited. The woman who lived with them as the housekeeper had known better times and had an extremely upright and friendly personality. She quickly formed a bond with little Emily, who was mostly under her care. Emily, in turn, returned her affection wholeheartedly and learned eagerly the few skills that Mrs. Jakeman was able to teach her. But most importantly, she absorbed Mrs. Jakeman’s cheerful and straightforward nature, which found the positive and encouraging aspects of every situation and inspired her to express her thoughts openly, without cynicism or pretense. In addition to what Emily gained from Mrs. Jakeman, she was allowed to take lessons from the tutors who were brought to Tyrrel Place for her cousin’s education; and since the young man often wasn’t interested in his studies, they would typically have nothing to do if it weren’t for Miss Melville’s fortunate presence. Therefore, Mrs. Tyrrel encouraged Emily’s studies for this reason; plus, she thought this living example of learning might indirectly entice her beloved Barnabas, the only type of motivation she would allow. She strictly prohibited any force, and she had no understanding of the intrinsic appeal of literature and knowledge.
Emily, as she grew up, displayed an uncommon degree of sensibility, which under her circumstances would have been a source of perpetual dissatisfaction, had it not been qualified with an extreme sweetness and easiness of temper. She was far from being entitled to the appellation of a beauty. Her person was petite and trivial; her complexion savoured of the brunette; and her face was marked with the small-pox, sufficiently to destroy its evenness and polish, though not enough to destroy its expression. But, though her appearance was not beautiful, it did not fail to be in a high degree engaging. Her complexion was at once healthful and delicate; her long dark eye-brows adapted themselves with facility to the various conceptions of her mind; and her looks bore the united impression of an active discernment and a good-humoured frankness. The instruction she had received, as it was entirely of a casual nature, exempted her from the evils of untutored ignorance, but not from a sort of native wildness, arguing a mind incapable of guile itself, or of suspecting it in others. She amused, without seeming conscious of the refined sense which her observations contained; or rather, having never been debauched with applause, she set light by her own qualifications, and talked from the pure gaiety of a youthful heart acting upon the stores of a just understanding, and not with any expectation of being distinguished and admired.
As Emily grew up, she showed a remarkable level of sensitivity that, under her circumstances, could have led to constant dissatisfaction if it weren't for her extreme sweetness and easygoing nature. She wasn't exactly what you'd call beautiful. Her figure was small and unremarkable; her skin had a dark undertone; and her face bore the marks of smallpox, which disrupted its smoothness but didn't completely dull its expression. However, even though she wasn't conventionally attractive, she had a captivating quality. Her complexion was both healthy and delicate; her long dark eyebrows easily reflected her thoughts; and her expressions conveyed a mix of sharp insight and friendly openness. The education she received, being mostly informal, kept her from the downsides of ignorance but also left her with a certain natural wildness, suggesting a mind that was incapable of deceit or of suspecting others of it. She entertained others without being aware of the insight in her comments; or perhaps, since she had never been spoiled by flattery, she didn't think much of her own abilities and spoke from a genuine joy of youth, drawing on her clear understanding without expecting to stand out or be admired.
The death of her aunt made very little change in her situation. This prudent lady, who would have thought it little less than sacrilege to have considered Miss Melville as a branch of the stock of the Tyrrels, took no more notice of her in her will than barely putting her down for one hundred pounds in a catalogue of legacies to her servants. She had never been admitted into the intimacy and confidence of Mrs. Tyrrel; and the young squire, now that she was left under his sole protection, seemed inclined to treat her with even more liberality than his mother had done. He had seen her grow up under his eye, and therefore, though there were but six years difference in their ages, he felt a kind of paternal interest in her welfare. Habit had rendered her in a manner necessary to him, and, in every recess from the occupations of the field and the pleasures of the table, he found himself solitary and forlorn without the society of Miss Melville. Nearness of kindred, and Emily's want of personal beauty, prevented him from ever looking on her with the eyes of desire. Her accomplishments were chiefly of the customary and superficial kind, dancing and music. Her skill in the first led him sometimes to indulge her with a vacant corner in his carriage, when he went to the neighbouring assembly; and, in whatever light he might himself think proper to regard her, he would have imagined his chambermaid, introduced by him, entitled to an undoubted place in the most splendid circle. Her musical talents were frequently employed for his amusement. She had the honour occasionally of playing him to sleep after the fatigues of the chase; and, as he had some relish for harmonious sounds, she was frequently able to soothe him by their means from the perturbations of which his gloomy disposition was so eminently a slave. Upon the whole, she might be considered as in some sort his favourite. She was the mediator to whom his tenants and domestics, when they had incurred his displeasure, were accustomed to apply; the privileged companion, that could approach this lion with impunity in the midst of his roarings. She spoke to him without fear; her solicitations were always good-natured and disinterested; and when he repulsed her, he disarmed himself of half his terrors, and was contented to smile at her presumption.
The death of her aunt changed very little about her situation. This sensible woman, who would have considered it almost sacrilegious to think of Miss Melville as part of the Tyrrel family, mentioned her in her will only to leave her a hundred pounds among the legacies to her servants. She had never been close to Mrs. Tyrrel, and now that the young squire was her sole protector, he seemed inclined to treat her even more generously than his mother had. He had watched her grow up, and although they were only six years apart in age, he felt a kind of fatherly concern for her well-being. He had grown accustomed to having her around, and whenever he took a break from hunting or dining, he felt lonely and empty without Miss Melville's company. Their family connection and Emily's lack of traditional beauty kept him from viewing her with romantic interest. Her talents were mainly the usual, superficial ones like dancing and music. Her dancing occasionally allowed her a spot in his carriage on their way to nearby social events, and no matter how he chose to view her, he believed his maid, if introduced by him, would deserve a place in the finest circles. Her musical skills often entertained him. Sometimes, she even played to help him relax after a long day of hunting, and since he enjoyed music, it often calmed him from the anxieties that came with his gloomy personality. Overall, she could be seen as somewhat of his favorite. She was the go-to person for his tenants and staff when they had fallen out of his favor, the one who could approach him without fear amid his fury. She spoke to him boldly; her requests were always friendly and selfless, and when he turned her down, he found himself smiling at her audacity, having lost some of his anger.
Such had been for some years the situation of Miss Melville. Its precariousness had been beguiled by the uncommon forbearance with which she was treated by her savage protector. But his disposition, always brutal, had acquired a gradual accession of ferocity since the settlement of Mr. Falkland in his neighbourhood. He now frequently forgot the gentleness with which he had been accustomed to treat his good-natured cousin. Her little playful arts were not always successful in softening his rage; and he would sometimes turn upon her blandishments with an impatient sternness that made her tremble. The careless ease of her disposition, however, soon effaced these impressions, and she fell without variation into her old habits.
The situation for Miss Melville had been like this for a few years. Its instability had been eased by the unusual patience shown by her harsh protector. However, his always brutal nature had gradually become even more fierce since Mr. Falkland moved into the area. He often forgot the kindness he used to show his good-natured cousin. Her little playful attempts didn't always calm his anger, and sometimes he would react to her affection with an impatient sternness that made her shake. Still, her laid-back attitude quickly wiped away these feelings, and she returned to her old ways without fail.
A circumstance occurred about this time which gave peculiar strength to the acrimony of Mr. Tyrrel, and ultimately brought to its close the felicity that Miss Melville, in spite of the frowns of fortune, had hitherto enjoyed. Emily was exactly seventeen when Mr. Falkland returned from the continent. At this age she was peculiarly susceptible of the charms of beauty, grace, and moral excellence, when united in a person of the other sex. She was imprudent, precisely because her own heart was incapable of guile. She had never yet felt the sting of the poverty to which she was condemned, and had not reflected on the insuperable distance that custom has placed between the opulent and the poorer classes of the community. She beheld Mr. Falkland, whenever he was thrown in her way at any of the public meetings, with admiration; and, without having precisely explained to herself the sentiments she indulged, her eyes followed him through all the changes of the scene, with eagerness and impatience. She did not see him, as the rest of the assembly did, born to one of the amplest estates in the county, and qualified to assert his title to the richest heiress. She thought only of Falkland, with those advantages which were most intimately his own, and of which no persecution of adverse fortune had the ability to deprive him. In a word, she was transported when he was present; he was the perpetual subject of her reveries and her dreams; but his image excited no sentiment in her mind beyond that of the immediate pleasure she took in his idea.
Around this time, something happened that intensified Mr. Tyrrel's bitterness and ultimately ended the happiness that Miss Melville had enjoyed despite her struggles. Emily was exactly seventeen when Mr. Falkland returned from abroad. At this age, she was especially sensitive to the allure of beauty, grace, and moral integrity when all these qualities were combined in a man. She was naive simply because her heart was genuine. She had never experienced the harshness of the poverty that fate had dealt her and hadn't thought about the huge gap that society has created between the wealthy and the less fortunate. Whenever she saw Mr. Falkland at public gatherings, she admired him. Without fully understanding her feelings, her eyes followed him with eagerness and anticipation as the event unfolded. Unlike the rest of the crowd, who saw him as the heir to a vast estate and someone who could woo the richest heiress, she focused solely on Falkland's defining qualities, which no amount of misfortune could take away from him. In short, she felt exhilarated in his presence; he was a constant theme in her daydreams and fantasies, yet his image stirred no deeper feelings in her beyond the immediate joy she derived from thinking about him.
The notice Mr. Falkland bestowed on her in return, appeared sufficiently encouraging to a mind so full of prepossession as that of Emily. There was a particular complacency in his looks when directed towards her. He had said in a company, of which one of the persons present repeated his remarks to Miss Melville, that she appeared to him amiable and interesting; that he felt for her unprovided and destitute situation; and that he should have been glad to be more particular in his attention to her, had he not been apprehensive of doing her a prejudice in the suspicious mind of Mr. Tyrrel. All this she considered as the ravishing condescension of a superior nature; for, if she did not recollect with sufficient assiduity his gifts of fortune, she was, on the other hand, filled with reverence for his unrivalled accomplishments. But, while she thus seemingly disclaimed all comparison between Mr. Falkland and herself, she probably cherished a confused feeling as if some event, that was yet in the womb of fate, might reconcile things apparently the most incompatible. Fraught with these prepossessions, the civilities that had once or twice occurred in the bustle of a public circle, the restoring her fan which she had dropped, or the disembarrassing her of an empty tea-cup, made her heart palpitate, and gave birth to the wildest chimeras in her deluded imagination.
The attention Mr. Falkland showed her in return seemed quite encouraging to someone like Emily, who was so caught up in her own thoughts. There was a certain satisfaction in his expression when he looked at her. He had mentioned in a group, and one of those present later shared his comments with Miss Melville, that he found her charming and interesting; he sympathized with her difficult and disadvantaged situation; and he would have liked to pay more attention to her, but he was worried it might put her at odds with Mr. Tyrrel’s suspicious nature. She viewed this as the gracious generosity of someone superior; while she didn't remember his wealth as carefully as she should have, she was filled with admiration for his extraordinary talents. Yet, even as she seemed to reject any comparison between Mr. Falkland and herself, she likely held onto a vague hope that some future event, still unfolding, might bring together what seemed utterly mismatched. Given these preconceptions, the polite interactions they had shared in a crowded setting, like picking up the fan she had dropped or helping her with an empty teacup, made her heart race and sparked wild fantasies in her confused mind.
About this time an event happened, that helped to give a precise determination to the fluctuations of Miss Melville's mind. One evening, a short time after the death of Mr. Clare, Mr. Falkland had been at the house of his deceased friend in his quality of executor, and, by some accidents of little intrinsic importance, had been detained three or four hours later than he expected. He did not set out upon his return till two o'clock in the morning. At this time, in a situation so remote from the metropolis, every thing is as silent as it would be in a region wholly uninhabited. The moon shone bright; and the objects around being marked with strong variations of light and shade, gave a kind of sacred solemnity to the scene. Mr. Falkland had taken Collins with him, the business to be settled at Mr. Clare's being in some respects similar to that to which this faithful domestic had been accustomed in the routine of his ordinary service. They had entered into some conversation, for Mr. Falkland was not then in the habit of obliging the persons about him by formality and reserve to recollect who he was. The attractive solemnity of the scene made him break off the talk somewhat abruptly, that he might enjoy it without interruption. They had not ridden far, before a hollow wind seemed to rise at a distance, and they could hear the hoarse roarings of the sea. Presently the sky on one side assumed the appearance of a reddish brown, and a sudden angle in the road placed this phenomenon directly before them. As they proceeded, it became more distinct, and it was at length sufficiently visible that it was occasioned by a fire. Mr. Falkland put spurs to his horse; and, as they approached, the object presented every instant a more alarming appearance. The flames ascended with fierceness; they embraced a large portion of the horizon; and, as they carried up with them numerous little fragments of the materials that fed them, impregnated with fire, and of an extremely bright and luminous colour, they presented some feeble image of the tremendous eruption of a volcano.
Around this time, something happened that clarified the turmoil in Miss Melville's mind. One evening, shortly after Mr. Clare's death, Mr. Falkland visited his late friend's home in his role as executor and ended up staying three or four hours longer than he had planned due to a few minor issues. He didn’t leave until two o'clock in the morning. In a place so far from the city, everything was as quiet as it would be in an uninhabited area. The moon was shining brightly, and the surrounding objects were marked by strong contrasts of light and shadow, giving the scene a kind of sacred solemnity. Mr. Falkland had brought Collins with him, as the tasks to be handled at Mr. Clare's were somewhat similar to those Collins was used to in his everyday service. They started some conversation since Mr. Falkland wasn't one to insist on formalities that reminded people of his status. The scene's captivating solemnity made him pause the chat abruptly to soak it in uninterrupted. They hadn't traveled far when a hollow wind rose from a distance, and the harsh roar of the sea reached their ears. Soon, the sky on one side turned reddish-brown, and a sudden bend in the road brought this phenomenon directly into view. As they continued, it became clearer, eventually revealing that it was the result of a fire. Mr. Falkland urged his horse faster, and as they got closer, the sight became increasingly alarming. The flames shot up fiercely, stretching across a large part of the horizon, and as they lifted numerous small, burning fragments into the air that shimmered brightly, it created a faint impression of a volcanic eruption.
The flames proceeded from a village directly in their road. There were eight or ten houses already on fire, and the whole seemed to be threatened with immediate destruction. The inhabitants were in the utmost consternation, having had no previous experience of a similar calamity. They conveyed with haste their moveables and furniture into the adjoining fields. When any of them had effected this as far as it could be attempted with safety, they were unable to conceive any further remedy, but stood wringing their hands, and contemplating the ravages of the fire in an agony of powerless despair. The water that could be procured, in any mode practised in that place, was but as a drop contending with an element in arms. The wind in the mean time was rising, and the flames spread with more and more rapidity.
The flames were coming from a village right in their path. Eight or ten houses were already on fire, and it looked like the whole place was about to be completely destroyed. The residents were utterly panicked, having never faced anything like this before. They quickly moved their belongings and furniture into the nearby fields. Once they had done that as safely as they could, they felt completely helpless, standing around wringing their hands and watching the fire destroy everything in a state of frustrated despair. The amount of water they could find, using any method available to them, was like trying to douse a raging fire with just a drop. Meanwhile, the wind was picking up, and the flames spread faster and faster.
Mr. Falkland contemplated this scene for a few moments, as if ruminating with himself as to what could be done. He then directed some of the country people about him to pull down a house, next to one that was wholly on fire, but which itself was yet untouched. They seemed astonished at a direction which implied a voluntary destruction of property, and considered the task as too much in the heart of the danger to be undertaken. Observing that they were motionless, he dismounted from his horse, and called upon them in an authoritative voice to follow him. He ascended the house in an instant, and presently appeared upon the top of it, as if in the midst of the flames. Having, with the assistance of two or three of the persons that followed him most closely, and who by this time had supplied themselves with whatever tools came next to hand, loosened the support of a stack of chimneys, he pushed them headlong into the midst of the fire. He passed and repassed along the roof; and, having set people to work in all parts, descended in order to see what could be done in any other quarter. At this moment an elderly woman burst from the midst of a house in flames: the utmost consternation was painted in her looks; and, as soon as she could recollect herself enough to have a proper idea of her situation, the subject of her anxiety seemed, in an instant, to be totally changed. "Where is my child?" cried she, and cast an anxious and piercing look among the surrounding crowd. "Oh, she is lost! she is in the midst of flames! Save her! save her! my child!" She filled the air with heart-rending shrieks. She turned towards the house. The people that were near endeavoured to prevent her, but she shook them off in a moment. She entered the passage; viewed the hideous ruin; and was then going to plunge into the blazing staircase. Mr. Falkland saw, pursued, and seized her by the arm; it was Mrs. Jakeman. "Stop!" he cried, with a voice of grand, yet benevolent authority. "Remain you in the street! I will seek, and will save her!" Mrs. Jakeman obeyed. He charged the persons who were near to detain her; he enquired which was the apartment of Emily. Mrs. Jakeman was upon a visit to a sister who lived in the village, and had brought Emily along with her. Mr. Falkland ascended a neighbouring house, and entered that in which Emily was, by a window in the roof.
Mr. Falkland looked at the scene for a moment, as if thinking about what could be done. He then instructed some of the local people around him to tear down a house next to one that was completely on fire, even though the house they were about to demolish was still intact. They appeared shocked by the order, which involved deliberately destroying property, and thought the task was too dangerous to take on. Noticing that they were frozen in place, he got off his horse and called out to them in a commanding voice to follow him. He quickly climbed onto the house and soon was standing on the roof, seemingly surrounded by flames. With the help of a few people who were closest to him and had grabbed whatever tools they could find, he loosened the support of a stack of chimneys and pushed them straight into the fire. He moved back and forth along the roof, directing people to work in different areas, then went down to see what could be done elsewhere. At that moment, an elderly woman rushed out of a burning house: her face showed pure panic, and as soon as she could gather her thoughts, her concern seemed to shift entirely. "Where is my child?" she cried, scanning the crowd with desperate eyes. "Oh, she's lost! She's in the flames! Save her! Save her! My child!" Her screams were heart-wrenching. She turned back towards the house. The people nearby tried to stop her, but she pushed them away instantly. She entered the corridor, surveyed the terrible destruction, and was about to rush up the burning staircase. Mr. Falkland noticed, chased after her, and grabbed her arm; it was Mrs. Jakeman. "Stop!" he shouted, with a powerful yet kind authority. "Stay in the street! I will find her and save her!" Mrs. Jakeman complied. He ordered those nearby to hold her back and asked where Emily's room was. Mrs. Jakeman had come to visit a sister in the village and had brought Emily with her. Mr. Falkland climbed onto a neighboring house and entered Emily's room through a window on the roof.
He found her already awaked from her sleep; and, becoming sensible of her danger, she had that instant wrapped a loose gown round her. Such is the almost irresistible result of feminine habits; but, having done this, she examined the surrounding objects with the wildness of despair. Mr. Falkland entered the chamber. She flew into his arms with the rapidity of lightning. She embraced and clung to him, with an impulse that did not wait to consult the dictates of her understanding. Her emotions were indescribable. In a few short moments she had lived an age in love. In two minutes Mr. Falkland was again in the street with his lovely, half-naked burthen in his arms. Having restored her to her affectionate protector, snatched from the immediate grasp of death, from which, if he had not, none would have delivered her, he returned to his former task. By his presence of mind, by his indefatigable humanity and incessant exertions, he saved three fourths of the village from destruction.
He found her already awake from her sleep; and realizing her danger, she quickly wrapped a loose gown around herself. Such is the almost irresistible result of feminine habits; but after doing this, she looked around the room with a wild sense of despair. Mr. Falkland entered the room. She rushed into his arms in a flash. She hugged and clung to him without thinking about it. Her feelings were beyond description. In just a few moments, she experienced a lifetime of love. Within two minutes, Mr. Falkland was back in the street with his beautiful, half-dressed burden in his arms. After safely returning her to her loving protector, who had been snatched from the brink of death—something no one else could have done—he went back to his previous task. Through his quick thinking, relentless kindness, and tireless efforts, he saved three-quarters of the village from destruction.
The conflagration being at length abated, he sought again Mrs. Jakeman and Emily, who by this time had obtained a substitute for the garments she had lost in the fire. He displayed the tenderest solicitude for the young lady's safety, and directed Collins to go with as much speed as he could, and send his chariot to attend her. More than an hour elapsed in this interval. Miss Melville had never seen so much of Mr. Falkland upon any former occasion; and the spectacle of such humanity, delicacy, firmness, and justice in the form of man, as he crowded into this small space, was altogether new to her, and in the highest degree fascinating. She had a confused feeling as if there had been something indecorous in her behaviour or appearance, when Mr. Falkland had appeared to her relief; and this combined with her other emotions to render the whole critical and intoxicating.
The fire finally dying down, he looked for Mrs. Jakeman and Emily, who by then had found a replacement for the clothes she had lost in the blaze. He showed the greatest concern for the young lady's safety and instructed Collins to hurry and send his carriage for her. More than an hour passed during this time. Miss Melville had never been around Mr. Falkland as much before; witnessing such kindness, sensitivity, strength, and fairness in a man, all condensed into this brief moment, was completely new to her and incredibly captivating. She felt a confusing sense that there had been something improper about her behavior or appearance when Mr. Falkland had come to her aid, and this mixed with her other feelings made the entire situation feel critical and intoxicating.
Emily no sooner arrived at the family mansion, than Mr. Tyrrel ran out to receive her. He had just heard of the melancholy accident that had taken place at the village, and was terrified for the safety of his good-humoured cousin. He displayed those unpremeditated emotions which are common to almost every individual of the human race. He was greatly shocked at the suspicion that Emily might possibly have become the victim of a catastrophe which had thus broken out in the dead of night. His sensations were of the most pleasing sort when he folded her in his arms, and fearful apprehension was instantaneously converted into joyous certainty. Emily no sooner entered under the well known roof than her spirits were brisk, and her tongue incessant in describing her danger and her deliverance. Mr. Tyrrel had formerly been tortured with the innocent eulogiums she pronounced of Mr. Falkland. But these were lameness itself, compared with the rich and various eloquence that now flowed from her lips. Love had not the same effect upon her, especially at the present moment, which it would have had upon a person instructed to feign a blush, and inured to a consciousness of wrong. She described his activity and resources, the promptitude with which every thing was conceived, and the cautious but daring wisdom with which it was executed. All was fairy-land and enchantment in the tenour of her artless tale; you saw a beneficent genius surveying and controlling the whole, but could have no notion of any human means by which his purposes were effected.
Emily had barely arrived at the family mansion when Mr. Tyrrel rushed out to greet her. He had just heard about the tragic incident that occurred in the village and was terrified for his cheerful cousin’s safety. He showed those spontaneous emotions that are common to nearly everyone. He was deeply shocked at the thought that Emily might have fallen victim to a disaster that had struck in the dead of night. His feelings were overwhelmingly positive when he wrapped her in his arms, and his fearful worries instantly turned into joyous certainty. As soon as Emily stepped under the familiar roof, her spirits lifted, and she couldn’t stop talking about her danger and her rescue. Mr. Tyrrel had previously been tormented by her innocent praises of Mr. Falkland. But those seemed dull compared to the rich and varied eloquence that now flowed from her lips. Love didn’t have the same effect on her, especially at that moment, as it would have on someone coached to feign a blush, burdened by a sense of wrongdoing. She described his agility and resourcefulness, the quickness with which everything was conceived, and the careful yet bold wisdom with which it was carried out. Everything felt like a fairy tale and magic in the simplicity of her story; you sensed a benevolent force overseeing and controlling everything, but you couldn’t imagine any human means by which his goals were achieved.
Mr. Tyrrel listened for a while to these innocent effusions with patience; he could even bear to hear the man applauded, by whom he had just obtained so considerable a benefit. But the theme by amplification became nauseous, and he at length with some roughness put an end to the tale. Probably, upon recollection, it appeared still more insolent and intolerable than while it was passing; the sensation of gratitude wore off, but the hyperbolical praise that had been bestowed still haunted his memory, and sounded in his ear;—Emily had entered into the confederacy that disturbed his repose. For herself, she was wholly unconscious of offence, and upon every occasion quoted Mr. Falkland as the model of elegant manners and true wisdom. She was a total stranger to dissimulation; and she could not conceive that any one beheld the subject of her admiration with less partiality than herself. Her artless love became more fervent than ever. She flattered herself that nothing less than a reciprocal passion could have prompted Mr. Falkland to the desperate attempt of saving her from the flames; and she trusted that this passion would speedily declare itself, as well as induce the object of her adoration to overlook her comparative unworthiness.
Mr. Tyrrel listened for a while to these innocent outbursts with patience; he could even tolerate hearing praise for the man from whom he had just received such a significant benefit. But as the conversation dragged on, it became unbearable, and he finally cut the story short with some roughness. In hindsight, it seemed even more arrogant and intolerable than while it was happening; the feeling of gratitude faded, but the exaggerated praise lingered in his mind and echoed in his ears—Emily had joined in the chatter that disturbed his peace. Meanwhile, she was completely unaware of any offense and regularly referred to Mr. Falkland as the ideal of refined manners and true wisdom. She was entirely unreserved and couldn’t imagine that anyone could view her admiration for him with less bias than she did. Her genuine affection grew more intense than ever. She convinced herself that nothing less than mutual feelings could have driven Mr. Falkland to make the desperate effort to save her from the fire; and she hoped that this attraction would soon become evident, as well as encourage the object of her affection to overlook her perceived shortcomings.
Mr. Tyrrel endeavoured at first with some moderation to check Miss Melville in her applauses, and to convince her by various tokens that the subject was disagreeable to him. He was accustomed to treat her with kindness. Emily, on her part, was disposed to yield an unreluctant obedience, and therefore it was not difficult to restrain her. But upon the very next occasion her favourite topic would force its way to her lips. Her obedience was the acquiescence of a frank and benevolent heart; but it was the most difficult thing in the world to inspire her with fear. Conscious herself that she would not hurt a worm, she could not conceive that any one would harbour cruelty and rancour against her. Her temper had preserved her from obstinate contention with the persons under whose protection she was placed; and, as her compliance was unhesitating, she had no experience of a severe and rigorous treatment. As Mr. Tyrrel's objection to the very name of Falkland became more palpable and uniform, Miss Melville increased in her precaution. She would stop herself in the half-pronounced sentences that were meant to his praise. This circumstance had necessarily an ungracious effect; it was a cutting satire upon the imbecility of her kinsman. Upon these occasions she would sometimes venture upon a good-humoured expostulation:—"Dear sir! well, I wonder how you can be so ill-natured! I am sure Mr. Falkland would do you any good office in the world:"—till she was checked by some gesture of impatience and fierceness.
Mr. Tyrrel initially tried, somewhat gently, to stop Miss Melville from praising him and to show her in various ways that the topic bothered him. He was used to treating her kindly. Emily, for her part, was inclined to obey without resistance, so it wasn't hard to hold her back. However, at the very next opportunity, her favorite subject would come out of her mouth. Her obedience came from a sincere and kind heart; but it was nearly impossible to make her feel fear. Knowing she wouldn't harm a fly, she couldn’t imagine that anyone would harbor cruelty or resentment toward her. Her temperament had kept her from stubborn arguments with the people who were looking after her; and since her compliance was so immediate, she had never experienced harsh or strict treatment. As Mr. Tyrrel's dislike for anything related to Falkland became clearer and more consistent, Miss Melville became more cautious. She would catch herself mid-sentence when about to praise him. This had an obviously awkward effect; it was a sharp mockery of her relative’s weakness. During these moments, she would sometimes try to playfully reason with him: “Dear sir! I really wonder how you can be so unkind! I'm sure Mr. Falkland would do you a favor anytime”—until she was silenced by some sign of his impatience and anger.
At length she wholly conquered her heedlessness and inattention. But it was too late. Mr. Tyrrel already suspected the existence of that passion which she had thoughtlessly imbibed. His imagination, ingenious in torment, suggested to him all the different openings in conversation, in which she would have introduced the praise of Mr. Falkland, had she not been placed under this unnatural restraint. Her present reserve upon the subject was even more insufferable than her former loquacity. All his kindness for this unhappy orphan gradually subsided. Her partiality for the man who was the object of his unbounded abhorrence, appeared to him as the last persecution of a malicious destiny. He figured himself as about to be deserted by every creature in human form; all men, under the influence of a fatal enchantment, approving only what was sophisticated and artificial, and holding the rude and genuine offspring of nature in mortal antipathy. Impressed with these gloomy presages, he saw Miss Melville with no sentiments but those of rancorous aversion; and, accustomed as he was to the uncontrolled indulgence of his propensities, he determined to wreak upon her a signal revenge.
Eventually, she completely overcame her carelessness and lack of focus. But it was too late. Mr. Tyrrel already suspected the passion she had thoughtlessly absorbed. His imaginative mind, skilled in torment, suggested all the ways in conversation where she would have praised Mr. Falkland if she hadn't been under this unnatural restraint. Her current silence on the subject was even more unbearable than her previous chatter. All his kindness for this troubled orphan slowly faded. Her affection for the man he absolutely despised seemed to him like the final torment from a cruel fate. He imagined he was about to be abandoned by every human being; everyone, under the spell of some tragic enchantment, supported only what was pretentious and artificial, and detested the raw, genuine products of nature. Weighed down by these dark thoughts, he viewed Miss Melville with nothing but bitter hostility; and, used to satisfying his whims without restraint, he decided to take vengeance on her.
CHAPTER VII.
Mr. Tyrrel consulted his old confident respecting the plan he should pursue; who, sympathising as he did in the brutality and insolence of his friend, had no idea that an insignificant girl, without either wealth or beauty, ought to be allowed for a moment to stand in the way of the gratifications of a man of Mr. Tyrrel's importance. The first idea of her now unrelenting kinsman was to thrust her from his doors, and leave her to seek her bread as she could. But he was conscious that this proceeding would involve him in considerable obloquy; and he at length fixed upon a scheme which, at the same time that he believed it would sufficiently shelter his reputation, would much more certainly secure her mortification and punishment.
Mr. Tyrrel talked to his old confidant about the plan he should follow. His friend, who shared his feelings about the cruelty and arrogance of their mutual acquaintance, thought it was ridiculous that an insignificant girl, lacking both wealth and beauty, should ever get in the way of a man as important as Mr. Tyrrel. Initially, his relentless relative considered kicking her out and letting her fend for herself. However, he realized that this action would lead to a lot of negative judgment against him. Eventually, he came up with a plan that he believed would protect his reputation while also ensuring her humiliation and punishment.
For this purpose he fixed upon a young man of twenty, the son of one Grimes, who occupied a small farm, the property of his confident. This fellow he resolved to impose as a husband on Miss Melville, who, he shrewdly suspected, guided by the tender sentiments she had unfortunately conceived for Mr. Falkland, would listen with reluctance to any matrimonial proposal. Grimes he selected as being in all respects the diametrical reverse of Mr. Falkland. He was not precisely a lad of vicious propensities, but in an inconceivable degree boorish and uncouth. His complexion was scarcely human; his features were coarse, and strangely discordant and disjointed from each other. His lips were thick, and the tone of his voice broad and unmodulated. His legs were of equal size from one end to the other, and his feet misshapen and clumsy. He had nothing spiteful or malicious in his disposition, but he was a total stranger to tenderness; he could not feel for those refinements in others, of which he had no experience in himself. He was an expert boxer: his inclination led him to such amusements as were most boisterous; and he delighted in a sort of manual sarcasm, which he could not conceive to be very injurious, as it left no traces behind it. His general manners were noisy and obstreperous; inattentive to others; and obstinate and unyielding, not from any cruelty and ruggedness of temper, but from an incapacity to conceive those finer feelings, that make so large a part of the history of persons who are cast in a gentler mould.
To achieve this, he settled on a young man of twenty, the son of a guy named Grimes, who ran a small farm owned by his boss. He decided to set up Grimes as a husband for Miss Melville, knowing that she, due to her unfortunate feelings for Mr. Falkland, would be hesitant to consider any marriage proposal. Grimes was chosen because he was the complete opposite of Mr. Falkland in every way. While he wasn't exactly a bad kid, he was incredibly awkward and rough around the edges. His skin was barely human; his features were coarse and oddly mismatched. His lips were thick, and his voice had a broad, flat tone. His legs were the same size from top to bottom, and his feet were misshapen and clumsy. He wasn't spiteful or malicious, but he didn't understand tenderness; he couldn't relate to the sensitivities of others since he had never experienced them himself. He was a skilled boxer and preferred rough and rowdy activities; he enjoyed a kind of physical sarcasm that he thought wasn't harmful since it left no marks. His general behavior was loud and disruptive; he was inattentive to others, and stubborn and inflexible, not out of cruelty, but because he couldn't grasp the finer feelings that are part of the lives of those who are more gentle.
Such was the uncouth and half-civilised animal, which the industrious malice of Mr. Tyrrel fixed upon as most happily adapted to his purpose. Emily had hitherto been in an unusual degree exempted from the oppression of despotism. Her happy insignificance had served her as a protection. No one thought it worth his while to fetter her with those numerous petty restrictions with which the daughters of opulence are commonly tormented. She had the wildness, as well as the delicate frame, of the bird that warbles unmolested in its native groves.
Such was the uncouth and half-civilized creature that Mr. Tyrrel, with his clever malice, decided was perfectly suited to his agenda. Until now, Emily had been unusually free from the burden of oppression. Her fortunate insignificance had acted as a shield. No one thought it necessary to limit her with the many petty restrictions that often torment the daughters of wealth. She had the wild spirit, as well as the delicate build, of a bird that sings freely in its own woods.
When therefore she heard from her kinsman the proposal of Mr. Grimes for a husband, she was for a moment silent with astonishment at so unexpected a suggestion. But as soon as she recovered her speech, she replied, "No, sir, I do not want a husband."
When she heard from her relative about Mr. Grimes' proposal for a husband, she was momentarily speechless, shocked by such an unexpected suggestion. But once she found her voice, she said, "No, sir, I do not want a husband."
"You do! Are not you always hankering after the men? It is high time you should be settled."
"You do! Aren't you always craving attention from guys? It's about time you settled down."
"Mr. Grimes! No, indeed! when I do have a husband, it shall not be such a man as Mr. Grimes neither."
"Mr. Grimes! Absolutely not! When I do have a husband, it will not be someone like Mr. Grimes."
"Be silent! How dare you give yourself such unaccountable liberties?"
"Be quiet! How can you take such outrageous liberties?"
"Lord, I wonder what I should do with him. You might as well give me your great rough water-dog, and bid me make him a silk cushion to lie in my dressing-room. Besides, sir, Grimes is a common labouring man, and I am sure I have always heard my aunt say that ours is a very great family."
"Lord, I’m not sure what to do with him. You might as well give me your big, scruffy water dog and tell me to make him a silk cushion to lounge on in my dressing room. Plus, sir, Grimes is just a regular working man, and I’ve always heard my aunt say that we come from a very prominent family."
"It is a lie! Our family! have you the impudence to think yourself one of our family?"
"It’s a lie! Our family! Do you have the nerve to think you’re one of us?"
"Why, sir, was not your grandpapa my grandpapa? How then can we be of a different family?"
"Why, sir, wasn't your grandpa my grandpa? How can we be from different families then?"
"From the strongest reason in the world. You are the daughter of a rascally Scotchman, who spent every shilling of my aunt Lucy's fortune, and left you a beggar. You have got an hundred pounds, and Grimes's father promises to give him as much. How dare you look down upon your equals?"
"From the strongest reason in the world. You are the daughter of a shady Scotsman who blew through every penny of my aunt Lucy's fortune, leaving you broke. You have a hundred pounds, and Grimes's dad pledges to give him the same. How dare you look down on your equals?"
"Indeed, sir, I am not proud. But, indeed and indeed, I can never love Mr. Grimes. I am very happy as I am: why should I be married?"
"Honestly, sir, I’m not proud. But really, I can never love Mr. Grimes. I’m very happy as I am: why should I get married?"
"Silence your prating! Grimes will be here this afternoon. Look that you behave well to him. If you do not, he will remember and repay, when you least like it."
"Shut your chatter! Grimes will be here this afternoon. Make sure you treat him well. If you don’t, he will remember and get back at you when you least expect it."
"Nay, I am sure, sir—you are not in earnest?"
"Nah, I’m sure, sir—you can’t be serious?"
"Not in earnest! Damn me, but we will see that. I can tell what you would be at. You had rather be Mr. Falkland's miss, than the wife of a plain downright yeoman. But I shall take care of you.—Ay, this comes of indulgence. You must be taken down, miss. You must be taught the difference between high-flown notions and realities. Mayhap you may take it a little in dudgeon or so; but never mind that. Pride always wants a little smarting. If you should be brought to shame, it is I that shall bear the blame of it."
"Not for real! I swear we’ll see about that. I know what you’re after. You’d rather be Mr. Falkland’s girl than the wife of a straightforward farmer. But I’ll look after you. This is what happens when you’re spoiled. You need to be brought down a notch. You need to learn the difference between lofty ideas and reality. You might take it a bit harshly, but don’t worry about that. Pride always needs a little humbling. If you end up feeling ashamed, I’ll take the blame for it."
The tone in which Mr. Tyrrel spoke was so different from any thing to which Miss Melville had been accustomed, that she felt herself wholly unable to determine what construction to put upon it. Sometimes she thought he had really formed a plan for imposing upon her a condition that she could not bear so much as to think of. But presently she rejected this idea as an unworthy imputation upon her kinsman, and concluded that it was only his way, and that all he meant was to try her. To be resolved however, she determined to consult her constant adviser, Mrs. Jakeman, and accordingly repeated to her what had passed. Mrs. Jakeman saw the whole in a very different light from that in which Emily had conceived it, and trembled for the future peace of her beloved ward.
The way Mr. Tyrrel spoke was so different from anything Miss Melville was used to that she found it impossible to figure out what he meant. At times, she thought he might actually be planning to impose a condition on her that she couldn’t even bear to think about. But soon, she dismissed that idea as a baseless accusation against her relative and concluded that it was just his style and he only meant to test her. Still, to be sure, she decided to consult her trusted advisor, Mrs. Jakeman, and shared everything that had happened. Mrs. Jakeman viewed the situation very differently from how Emily had seen it, and she was worried about the future happiness of her beloved ward.
"Lord bless me, my dear mamma!" cried Emily, (this was the appellation she delighted to bestow upon the good housekeeper,) "you cannot think so? But I do not care. I will never marry Grimes, happen what will."
“Lord help me, my dear mom!” cried Emily, (this was the name she loved to call the good housekeeper,) “you can’t really believe that? But I don’t care. I will never marry Grimes, no matter what happens.”
"But how will you help yourself? My master will oblige you."
"But how are you going to help yourself? My master will assist you."
"Nay, now you think you are talking to a child indeed. It is I am to have the man, not Mr. Tyrrel. Do you think I will let any body else choose a husband for me? I am not such a fool as that neither."
"Nah, now you think you’re talking to a kid. I’m the one who gets to choose the guy, not Mr. Tyrrel. Do you really think I’m going to let someone else pick a husband for me? I’m not that foolish either."
"Ah, Emily! you little know the disadvantages of your situation. Your cousin is a violent man, and perhaps will turn you out of doors, if you oppose him."
"Ah, Emily! You have no idea how tough your situation is. Your cousin is an aggressive man, and he might kick you out if you stand up to him."
"Oh, mamma! it is very wicked of you to say so. I am sure Mr. Tyrrel is a very good man, though he be a little cross now and then. He knows very well that I am right to have a will of my own in such a thing as this, and nobody is punished for doing what is right."
"Oh, Mom! It's really not nice for you to say that. I'm sure Mr. Tyrrel is a good man, even if he can be a bit grumpy sometimes. He knows that I have every right to make my own choices in matters like this, and no one gets punished for doing what's right."
"Nobody ought, my dear child. But there are very wicked and tyrannical men in the world."
"Nobody should, my dear child. But there are some very evil and oppressive men in the world."
"Well, well, I will never believe my cousin is one of these."
"Wow, I can’t believe my cousin is one of them."
"I hope he is not."
"I hope he's not."
"And if he were, what then? To be sure I should he very sorry to make him angry."
"And if he were, what then? I would definitely be very sorry to make him angry."
"What then! Why then my poor Emily would be a beggar. Do you think I could bear to see that?"
"What then! Why would my poor Emily end up a beggar? Do you think I could stand to see that?"
"No, no. Mr. Tyrrel has just told me that I have a hundred pounds. But if I had no fortune, is not that the case with a thousand other folks? Why should I grieve, for what they bear and are merry? Do not make yourself uneasy, mamma. I am determined that I will do any thing rather than marry Grimes; that is what I will."
"No, no. Mr. Tyrrel just told me I have a hundred pounds. But if I had no fortune, wouldn't that be true for a thousand other people? Why should I be upset about what they endure and still manage to be happy? Don't worry, mom. I'm set on doing anything except marrying Grimes; that's my decision."
Mrs. Jakeman could not bear the uneasy state of suspense in which this conversation left her mind, and went immediately to the squire to have her doubts resolved. The manner in which she proposed the question, sufficiently indicated the judgment she had formed of the match.
Mrs. Jakeman couldn't stand the anxious uncertainty this conversation left her with, so she went straight to the squire to clear up her doubts. The way she asked the question clearly showed the opinion she had formed about the match.
"That is true," said Mr. Tyrrel, "I wanted to speak to you about this affair. The girl has got unaccountable notions in her head, that will be the ruin of her. You perhaps can tell where she had them. But, be that as it will, it is high time something should be done. The shortest way is the best, and to keep things well while they are well. In short, I am determined she shall marry this lad: you do not know any harm of him, do you? You have a good deal of influence with her, and I desire, do you see, that you will employ it to lead her to her good: you had best, I can tell you. She is a pert vixen! By and by she would be a whore, and at last no better than a common trull, and rot upon a dunghill, if I were not at all these pains to save her from destruction. I would make her an honest farmer's wife, and my pretty miss cannot bear the thoughts of it!"
"That's right," Mr. Tyrrel said, "I wanted to talk to you about this situation. The girl has some strange ideas in her head that are going to ruin her. Maybe you know where she got them from. But regardless, it's time to take action. The simplest approach is usually the best, and it's wise to keep things in good shape while they are. In short, I'm set on having her marry this guy: you don't know anything bad about him, do you? You have a lot of influence with her, and I hope you’ll use it to guide her toward what’s good for her: you really should. She's a stubborn little thing! Before long, she'd end up making poor choices and be no better than a common whore, living in disgrace, if I wasn't going through all this trouble to save her. I want to make her a respectable farmer's wife, but my dear girl can't stand the thought of it!"
In the afternoon Grimes came according to appointment, and was left alone with the young lady.
In the afternoon, Grimes arrived as scheduled and was left alone with the young woman.
"Well, miss," said he, "it seems the squire has a mind to make us man and wife. For my part, I cannot say I should have thought of it. But, being as how the squire has broke the ice, if so be as you like of the match, why I am your man. Speak the word; a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse."
"Well, miss," he said, "it looks like the squire wants us to get married. Honestly, I wouldn't have thought of it myself. But since the squire has brought it up, if you're on board with the idea, then I’m your guy. Just say the word; a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse."
Emily was already sufficiently mortified at the unexpected proposal of Mr. Tyrrel. She was confounded at the novelty of the situation, and still more at the uncultivated rudeness of her lover, which even exceeded her expectation. This confusion was interpreted by Grimes into diffidence.
Emily was already really embarrassed by Mr. Tyrrel's unexpected proposal. She was shocked by the unusual situation and even more by her boyfriend's uncivil rudeness, which was beyond what she had expected. Grimes interpreted this confusion as shyness.
"Come, come, never be cast down. Put a good face upon it. What though? My first sweetheart was Bet Butterfield, but what of that? What must be must be; grief will never fill the belly. She was a fine strapping wench, that is the truth of it! five foot ten inches, and as stout as a trooper. Oh, she would do a power of work! Up early and down late; milked ten cows with her own hands; on with her cardinal, rode to market between her panniers, fair weather and foul, hail, blow, or snow. It would have done your heart good to have seen her frost-bitten cheeks, as red as a beefen from her own orchard! Ah! she was a maid of mettle; would romp with the harvestmen, slap one upon the back, wrestle with another, and had a rogue's trick and a joke for all round. Poor girl! she broke her neck down stairs at a christening. To be sure I shall never meet with her fellow! But never you mind that; I do not doubt that I shall find more in you upon further acquaintance. As coy and bashful as you seem, I dare say you are rogue enough at bottom. When I have touzled and rumpled you a little, we shall see. I am no chicken, miss, whatever you may think. I know what is what, and can see as far into a millstone as another. Ay, ay; you will come to. The fish will snap at the bait, never doubt it. Yes, yes, we shall rub on main well together."
"Come on, don’t be down. Keep a positive attitude. So what? My first crush was Bet Butterfield, but that’s in the past. What has to happen will happen; feeling sad won’t fill your stomach. She was a strong girl, that’s for sure! Five foot ten inches tall and sturdy as a soldier. She could really get a lot done! Up early and down late; she milked ten cows all by herself; with her red cloak on, she rode to the market with her baskets, in any kind of weather, rain or shine, hail or snow. It would’ve made you happy to see her cheeks, all red from the cold, like apples from her own orchard! Ah! she was a tough girl; she would joke around with the harvest workers, give one a pat on the back, wrestle with another, and always had a clever trick or joke for everyone. Poor girl! She broke her neck on the stairs at a christening. Honestly, I’ll never find another like her! But don’t worry about that; I believe I’ll discover more in you as we get to know each other. Even though you seem shy and reserved, I bet you’re a bit of a troublemaker deep down. Once I’ve had my fun messing with you a little, we’ll see. I’m not naive, miss, no matter what you might think. I know how things work and can see just as well as anyone else. Yes, yes; you’ll come around. The fish will bite at the bait, no question about it. Yes, yes, we’ll get along just fine together."
Emily by this time had in some degree mustered up her spirits, and began, though with hesitation, to thank Mr. Grimes for his good opinion, but to confess that she could never be brought to favour his addresses. She therefore entreated him to desist from all further application. This remonstrance on her part would have become more intelligible, had it not been for his boisterous manners and extravagant cheerfulness, which indisposed him to silence, and made him suppose that at half a word he had sufficient intimation of another's meaning. Mr. Tyrrel, in the mean time, was too impatient not to interrupt the scene before they could have time to proceed far in explanation; and he was studious in the sequel to prevent the young folks from being too intimately acquainted with each other's inclinations. Grimes, of consequence, attributed the reluctance of Miss Melville to maiden coyness, and the skittish shyness of an unbroken filly. Indeed, had it been otherwise, it is not probable that it would have made any effectual impression upon him; as he was always accustomed to consider women as made for the recreation of the men, and to exclaim against the weakness of people who taught them to imagine they were to judge for themselves.
Emily had managed to gather her courage and started, though hesitantly, to thank Mr. Grimes for his kind words, but she had to admit that she could never accept his advances. She pleaded with him to stop pursuing her. This request would have made more sense if it weren’t for his loud personality and over-the-top cheerfulness, which kept him from being quiet and made him think that he could understand someone else's feelings with just a hint. Meanwhile, Mr. Tyrrel was too impatient to let the situation unfold without interrupting, and he worked to keep the young people from getting too close to understanding each other's feelings. Therefore, Grimes assumed that Miss Melville's reluctance was just typical shyness and the playful hesitance of an inexperienced girl. In truth, even if it had been different, it probably wouldn't have made a real impact on him, as he always viewed women as being there for the entertainment of men and criticized those who allowed them to think they could make their own choices.
As the suit proceeded, and Miss Melville saw more of her new admirer, her antipathy increased. But, though her character was unspoiled by those false wants, which frequently make people of family miserable while they have every thing that nature requires within their reach, yet she had been little used to opposition, and was terrified at the growing sternness of her kinsman. Sometimes she thought of flying from a house which was now become her dungeon; but the habits of her youth, and her ignorance of the world, made her shrink from this project, when she contemplated it more nearly, Mrs. Jakeman, indeed, could not think with patience of young Grimes as a husband for her darling Emily; but her prudence determined her to resist with all her might the idea on the part of the young lady of proceeding to extremities. She could not believe that Mr. Tyrrel would persist in such an unaccountable persecution, and she exhorted Miss Melville to forget for a moment the unaffected independence of her character, and pathetically to deprecate her cousin's obstinacy. She had great confidence in the ingenuous eloquence of her ward. Mrs. Jakeman did not know what was passing in the breast of the tyrant.
As the lawsuit went on, and Miss Melville spent more time with her new admirer, her dislike grew. However, even though her character wasn't spoiled by those false desires that often make well-off people miserable despite having everything they need, she wasn't used to facing opposition and felt intimidated by her kinsman's increasing sternness. Sometimes she thought about escaping from a house that had now become her prison; but her childhood habits and her lack of worldly experience made her hesitate when she considered it more closely. Mrs. Jakeman, in fact, couldn't calmly accept young Grimes as a suitable husband for her beloved Emily, but her sense of practicality led her to fight against the idea that the young lady should take drastic measures. She couldn’t believe that Mr. Tyrrel would continue such an inexplicable harassment, and she urged Miss Melville to momentarily set aside her natural independence and passionately plead with her cousin to relent. She had a lot of faith in her ward's sincere eloquence. Mrs. Jakeman had no idea what was happening in the heart of the tyrant.
Miss Melville complied with the suggestion of her mamma. One morning immediately after breakfast, she went to her harpsichord, and played one after another several of those airs that were most the favourites of Mr. Tyrrel. Mrs. Jakeman had retired; the servants were gone to their respective employments. Mr. Tyrrel would have gone also; his mind was untuned, and he did not take the pleasure he had been accustomed to take in the musical performances of Emily. But her finger was now more tasteful than common. Her mind was probably wrought up to a firmer and bolder tone, by the recollection of the cause she was going to plead; at the same time that it was exempt from those incapacitating tremors which would have been felt by one that dared not look poverty in the face. Mr. Tyrrel was unable to leave the apartment. Sometimes he traversed it with impatient steps; then he hung over the poor innocent whose powers were exerted to please him; at length he threw himself in a chair opposite, with his eyes turned towards Emily. It was easy to trace the progress of his emotions. The furrows into which his countenance was contracted were gradually relaxed; his features were brightened into a smile; the kindness with which he had upon former occasions contemplated Emily seemed to revive in his heart.
Miss Melville followed her mom's suggestion. One morning right after breakfast, she went to her harpsichord and played several of Mr. Tyrrel's favorite tunes, one after another. Mrs. Jakeman had left the room, and the servants had gone to their respective tasks. Mr. Tyrrel would have left too; his mind was not in a good place, and he didn't find the same joy in Emily's music that he usually did. But her playing was more refined than usual. Her mind was likely more focused and confident, likely due to the important reason she was preparing for; at the same time, she was free from the anxious tremors someone would feel who couldn't face their financial situation. Mr. Tyrrel couldn't bring himself to leave the room. Sometimes he walked around restlessly, then he leaned over to watch the innocent girl trying to please him. Eventually, he sank into a chair across from her, his eyes fixed on Emily. It was clear to see how his emotions were shifting. The tension in his face gradually eased; his features brightened into a smile, and the kindness he had previously felt for Emily seemed to return to him.
Emily watched her opportunity. As soon as she had finished one of the pieces, she rose and went to Mr. Tyrrel.
Emily waited for her chance. As soon as she finished one of the pieces, she got up and went over to Mr. Tyrrel.
"Now, have not I done it nicely? and after this will not you give me a reward?"
"Now, didn’t I do that well? So, are you going to give me a reward for it?"
"A reward! Ay, come here, and I will give you a kiss."
"A reward! Yes, come here, and I'll give you a kiss."
"No, that is not it. And yet you have not kissed me this many a day. Formerly you said you loved me, and called me your Emily. I am sure you did not love me better than I loved you. You have not forgot all the kindness you once had for me?" added she anxiously.
"No, that’s not it. And yet you haven’t kissed me in days. You used to say you loved me and called me your Emily. I know you didn’t love me any more than I loved you. You haven’t forgotten all the kindness you once had for me, have you?" she added anxiously.
"Forgot? No, no. How can you ask such a question? You shall be my dear Emily still!"
"Forgot? No way. How can you even ask that? You'll always be my dear Emily!"
"Ah, those were happy times!" she replied, a little mournfully. "Do you know, cousin, I wish I could wake, and find that the last month—only about a month—was a dream?"
"Ah, those were happy times!" she replied, a bit sadly. "You know, cousin, I wish I could wake up and find that the last month—just about a month—was all a dream?"
"What do you mean by that?" said Mr. Tyrrel with an altered voice. "Have a care! Do not put me out of humour. Do not come with your romantic notions now."
"What do you mean by that?" Mr. Tyrrel said with a changed tone. "Be careful! Don’t get me in a bad mood. Don’t bring your romantic ideas around now."
"No, no: I have no romantic notions in my head. I speak of something upon which the happiness of my life depends."
"No, no: I don't have any romantic ideas in my mind. I'm talking about something that my happiness depends on."
"I see what you would be at. Be silent. You know it is to no purpose to plague me with your stubbornness. You will not let me be in good humour with you for a moment. What my mind is determined upon about Grimes, all the world shall not move me to give up."
"I see what you're trying to do. Just be quiet. You know it's pointless to bother me with your stubbornness. You won't let me be in a good mood with you for even a second. I’m set on my decision about Grimes, and nothing can make me change my mind."
"Dear, dear cousin! why, but consider now. Grimes is a rough rustic lout, like Orson in the story-book. He wants a wife like himself. He would be as uneasy and as much at a loss with me, as I with him. Why should we both of us be forced to do what neither of us is inclined to? I cannot think what could ever have put it into your head. But now, for goodness' sake, give it up! Marriage is a serious thing. You should not think of joining two people for a whim, who are neither of them fit for one another in any respect in the world. We should feel mortified and disappointed all our lives. Month would go after month, and year after year, and I could never hope to be my own, but by the death of a person I ought to love. I am sure, sir, you cannot mean me all this harm. What have I done, that I should deserve to have you for an enemy?"
"Dear cousin! Just think about it. Grimes is a rough, country guy, like Orson from the storybook. He wants a wife who's just like him. He'd feel just as lost and uncomfortable with me as I would with him. Why should we both be pushed into something neither of us wants? I can't imagine what made you think of this. But please, for goodness' sake, drop it! Marriage is a serious matter. You shouldn't think of pairing two people who are completely wrong for each other for a whim. We'd end up feeling humiliated and disappointed for the rest of our lives. Month after month, year after year, and I could never hope to be free, except by the death of someone I should love. I'm sure you can't mean me any harm. What have I done to deserve having you as an enemy?"
"I am not your enemy. I tell you that it is necessary to put you out of harm's way. But, if I were your enemy, I could not be a worse torment to you than you are to me. Are not you continually singing the praises of Falkland? Are not you in love with Falkland? That man is a legion of devils to me! I might as well have been a beggar! I might as well have been a dwarf or a monster! Time was when I was thought entitled to respect. But now, debauched by this Frenchified rascal, they call me rude, surly, a tyrant! It is true that I cannot talk in finical phrases, flatter people with hypocritical praise, or suppress the real feelings of my mind. The scoundrel knows his pitiful advantages, and insults me upon them without ceasing. He is my rival and my persecutor; and, at last, as if all this were not enough, he has found means to spread the pestilence in my own family. You, whom we took up out of charity, the chance-born brat of a stolen marriage! you must turn upon your benefactor, and wound me in the point that of all others I could least bear. If I were your enemy, should not I have reason? Could I ever inflict upon you such injuries as you have made me suffer? And who are you? The lives of fifty such cannot atone for an hour of my uneasiness. If you were to linger for twenty years upon the rack, you would never feel what I have felt. But I am your friend. I see which way you are going; and I am determined to save you from this thief, this hypocritical destroyer of us all. Every moment that the mischief is left to itself, it does but make bad worse; and I am determined to save you out of hand."
"I’m not your enemy. I’m telling you that it’s necessary to protect you from harm. But if I were your enemy, I couldn’t torment you more than you torment me. Aren’t you always singing Falkland’s praises? Aren’t you in love with him? That guy is a total nightmare for me! I might as well have been a beggar! I might as well be a dwarf or a freak! There was a time when people respected me. But now, thanks to this French wannabe, they call me rude, grumpy, a tyrant! It’s true that I can’t use fancy language, flatter people with fake compliments, or hide my true feelings. The scoundrel knows his pathetic advantages and constantly insults me for them. He’s my rival and my tormentor; and, as if that weren’t enough, he’s found a way to spread his poison into my own family. You, whom we took in out of kindness, the unexpected child of a stolen marriage, must turn against your benefactor and wound me in the one way I can least stand. If I were your enemy, wouldn’t I have reason to be? Could I ever hurt you as you’ve hurt me? And who are you? The lives of fifty like you wouldn’t make up for even an hour of my pain. If you were to suffer for twenty years, you wouldn’t feel what I’ve felt. But I’m your friend. I can see where you’re headed, and I’m determined to save you from this thief, this hypocritical destroyer of us all. Every moment this trouble is left unchecked, it only gets worse, and I’m determined to rescue you right now."
The angry expostulations of Mr. Tyrrel suggested new ideas to the tender mind of Miss Melville. He had never confessed the emotions of his soul so explicitly before; but the tempest of his thoughts suffered him to be no longer master of himself. She saw with astonishment that he was the irreconcilable foe of Mr. Falkland, whom she had fondly imagined it was the same thing to know and admire; and that he harboured a deep and rooted resentment against herself. She recoiled, without well knowing why, before the ferocious passions of her kinsman, and was convinced that she had nothing to hope from his implacable temper. But her alarm was the prelude of firmness, and not of cowardice.
The angry outburst from Mr. Tyrrel sparked new thoughts in the sensitive mind of Miss Melville. He had never expressed his feelings so openly before; but the storm of his emotions left him unable to control himself. She was shocked to see that he was a bitter enemy of Mr. Falkland, whom she had naïvely thought it was perfectly fine to admire, and that he harbored a deep-seated resentment towards her. She instinctively stepped back from the violent emotions of her relative, realizing that she had no hope of soothing his unyielding nature. However, her fear only fueled her determination, not her cowardice.
"No, sir," replied she, "indeed I will not be driven any way that you happen to like. I have been used to obey you, and, in all that is reasonable, I will obey you still. But you urge me too far. What do you tell me of Mr. Falkland? Have I ever done any thing to deserve your unkind suspicions? I am innocent, and will continue innocent. Mr. Grimes is well enough, and will no doubt find women that like him; but he is not fit for me, and torture shall not force me to be his wife."
"No, sir," she replied, "I definitely won’t be pushed into anything you happen to prefer. I’ve been used to obeying you, and I’ll still obey you as long as it makes sense. But you’re going too far. Why are you bringing up Mr. Falkland? Have I done anything to earn your unfair suspicions? I am innocent, and I will remain innocent. Mr. Grimes is fine, and I’m sure he’ll find women who like him; but he’s not right for me, and no amount of pressure will make me marry him."
Mr. Tyrrel was not a little astonished at the spirit which Emily displayed upon this occasion. He had calculated too securely upon the general mildness and suavity of her disposition. He now endeavoured to qualify the harshness of his former sentiments.
Mr. Tyrrel was quite surprised by the determination Emily showed this time. He had relied too heavily on her usual gentle and pleasant nature. Now, he tried to soften the harshness of his previous thoughts.
"God damn my soul! And so you can scold, can you? You expect every body to turn out of his way, and fetch and carry, just as you please? I could find in my heart—But you know my mind. I insist upon it that you let Grimes court you, and that you lay aside your sulks, and give him a fair hearing. Will you do that? If then you persist in your wilfulness, why there, I suppose, is an end of the matter. Do not think that any body is going to marry you, whether you will or no. You are no such mighty prize, I assure you. If you knew your own interest, you would be glad to take the young fellow while he is willing."
"God damn my soul! So you can scold, huh? You think everyone should just go out of their way to cater to you, right? I could find it in my heart—but you know how I feel. I insist that you let Grimes court you, put aside your moods, and give him a fair shot. Will you do that? If you keep being stubborn, then I guess that's it. Don’t think anyone is going to marry you, whether you want it or not. You’re not as big of a catch as you think, I assure you. If you knew what was best for you, you’d happily take the young guy while he’s interested."
Miss Melville rejoiced in the prospect, which the last words of her kinsman afforded her, of a termination at no great distance to her present persecutions. Mrs. Jakeman, to whom she communicated them, congratulated Emily on the returning moderation and good sense of the squire, and herself on her prudence in having urged the young lady to this happy expostulation. But their mutual felicitations lasted not long. Mr. Tyrrel informed Mrs. Jakeman of the necessity in which he found himself of sending her to a distance, upon a business which would not fail to detain her several weeks; and, though the errand by no means wore an artificial or ambiguous face, the two friends drew a melancholy presage from this ill-timed separation. Mrs. Jakeman, in the mean time, exhorted her ward to persevere, reminded her of the compunction which had already been manifested by her kinsman, and encouraged her to hope every thing from her courage and good temper. Emily, on her part, though grieved at the absence of her protector and counsellor at so interesting a crisis, was unable to suspect Mr. Tyrrel of such a degree either of malice or duplicity as could afford ground for serious alarm. She congratulated herself upon her delivery from so alarming a persecution, and drew a prognostic of future success from this happy termination of the first serious affair of her life. She exchanged a state of fortitude and alarm for her former pleasing dreams respecting Mr. Falkland. These she bore without impatience. She was even taught by the uncertainty of the event to desire to prolong, rather than abridge, a situation which might be delusive, but which was not without its pleasures.
Miss Melville was thrilled at the idea, suggested by her relative's last words, that her current troubles might end soon. Mrs. Jakeman, to whom she shared this news, congratulated Emily on the squire's returning moderation and good sense, and she also congratulated herself on having encouraged the young lady to express her feelings so positively. However, their mutual happiness was short-lived. Mr. Tyrrel informed Mrs. Jakeman that he needed to send her away for a few weeks on an important matter; even though the reason seemed genuine and clear, both friends worried about this untimely separation. In the meantime, Mrs. Jakeman urged her ward to stay strong, reminded her of the regret already shown by her relative, and encouraged her to have hope based on her bravery and good nature. Emily, though saddened by the absence of her protector and advisor during such a crucial moment, couldn’t imagine Mr. Tyrrel having any malicious or deceitful intentions that would warrant serious concern. She felt grateful to be freed from such a distressing situation and anticipated future success from this positive outcome of her first major challenge. She shifted from a state of courage and anxiety back to her previous pleasant fantasies about Mr. Falkland. She bore these thoughts patiently and even found herself wanting to prolong the uncertain situation, which, while possibly deceptive, still brought her some joy.
CHAPTER VIII.
Nothing could be further from Mr. Tyrrel's intention than to suffer his project to be thus terminated. No sooner was he freed from the fear of his housekeeper's interference, than he changed the whole system of his conduct. He ordered Miss Melville to be closely confined to her apartment, and deprived of all means of communicating her situation to any one out of his own house. He placed over her a female servant, in whose discretion he could confide, and who, having formerly been honoured with the amorous notices of the squire, considered the distinctions that were paid to Emily at Tyrrel Place as an usurpation upon her more reasonable claims. The squire himself did every thing in his power to blast the young lady's reputation, and represented to his attendants these precautions as necessary, to prevent her from eloping to his neighbour, and plunging herself in total ruin.
Nothing could have been further from Mr. Tyrrel's intention than to allow his plan to end like this. As soon as he was free from worrying about his housekeeper interfering, he completely changed his approach. He ordered Miss Melville to be kept locked in her room and cut off from all ways to let anyone outside his house know what was happening to her. He assigned a female servant to watch over her, someone he trusted, and who, having previously received the squire's romantic attention, viewed the special treatment Emily received at Tyrrel Place as an infringement on her own previous claims. The squire himself did everything he could to ruin the young lady's reputation, claiming to his staff that these measures were necessary to prevent her from escaping to his neighbor and ruining herself completely.
As soon as Miss Melville had been twenty-four hours in durance, and there was some reason to suppose that her spirit might be subdued to the emergency of her situation, Mr. Tyrrel thought proper to go to her, to explain the grounds of her present treatment, and acquaint her with the only means by which she could hope for a change. Emily no sooner saw him, than she turned towards him with an air of greater firmness than perhaps she had ever assumed in her life, and accosted him thus:—
As soon as Miss Melville had been locked up for twenty-four hours, and there was some reason to believe that she might be coming to terms with her situation, Mr. Tyrrel decided to visit her to explain why she was being treated this way and to let her know the only way she could hope for a change. Emily saw him and immediately turned to him with a strength she had probably never shown before in her life, and addressed him like this:—
"Well, sir, is it you? I wanted to see you. It seems I am shut up here by your orders. What does this mean? What right have you to make a prisoner of me? What do I owe you? Your mother left me a hundred pounds: have you ever offered to make any addition to my fortune? But, if you had, I do not want it. I do not pretend to be better than the children of other poor parents; I can maintain myself as they do. I prefer liberty to wealth. I see you are surprised at the resolution I exert. But ought I not to turn again, when I am trampled upon? I should have left you before now, if Mrs. Jakeman had not over-persuaded me, and if I had not thought better of you than by your present behaviour I find you deserve. But now, sir, I intend to leave your house this moment, and insist upon it, that you do not endeavour to prevent me."
"Well, is that you? I wanted to see you. It seems I'm stuck here because of your orders. What does this mean? What right do you have to keep me as a prisoner? What do I owe you? Your mother left me a hundred pounds; have you ever offered to add to my fortune? But even if you had, I don’t want it. I’m not claiming to be better than the children of other poor parents; I can fend for myself just like they do. I choose freedom over wealth. I see that you're surprised by how determined I am. But shouldn’t I stand up for myself when I'm being pushed around? I would have left you by now if Mrs. Jakeman hadn’t convinced me otherwise, and if I hadn’t thought better of you than your current behavior shows you deserve. But now, I plan to leave your house right this moment, and I insist that you don’t try to stop me."
Thus saying, she rose, and went towards the door, while Mr. Tyrrel stood thunderstruck at her magnanimity. Seeing, however, that she was upon the point of being out of the reach of his power, he recovered himself and pulled her back.
Thus saying, she stood up and went toward the door, while Mr. Tyrrel was left stunned by her generosity. However, as he saw that she was about to be out of his reach, he regained his composure and pulled her back.
"What is in the wind now? Do you think, strumpet; that you shall get the better of me by sheer impudence? Sit down! rest you satisfied!--So you want to know by what right you are here, do you? By the right of possession. This house is mine, and you are in my power. There is no Mrs. Jakeman now to spirit you away; no, nor no Falkland to bully for you. I have countermined you, damn me! and blown up your schemes. Do you think I will be contradicted and opposed for nothing? When did you ever know any body resist my will without being made to repent? And shall I now be browbeaten by a chitty-faced girl?—I have not given you a fortune! Damn you! who brought you up? I will make you a bill for clothing and lodging. Do not you know that every creditor has a right to stop his runaway debtor. You may think as you please; but here you are till you marry Grimes. Heaven and earth shall not prevent but I will get the better of your obstinacy!"
"What’s going on now? Do you really think, you little hussy, that you can outsmart me just by being bold? Sit down! Be satisfied!—So you’re curious about what gives you the right to be here, huh? It’s because I own this place. This house is mine, and you’re at my mercy. There’s no Mrs. Jakeman around to take you away, no Falkland to protect you. I’ve outsmarted you, damn it! and ruined your plans. Do you really think I’ll let you challenge me for nothing? When have you ever seen anyone resist my will without paying the price? And now, am I supposed to be intimidated by some cheeky girl?—I haven’t given you a fortune! Damn it! Who raised you? I’ll make you a bill for your clothes and shelter. Don’t you know every creditor has the right to reclaim their runaway debtor? You can think whatever you want; but you’re stuck here until you marry Grimes. Nothing in heaven or earth will stop me from beating your stubbornness!"
"Ungenerous, unmerciful man! and so it is enough for you that I have nobody to defend me! But I am not so helpless as you may imagine. You may imprison my body, but you cannot conquer my mind. Marry Mr. Grimes! And is this the way to bring me to your purpose? Every hardship I suffer puts still further distant the end for which I am thus unjustly treated. You are not used to have your will contradicted! When did I ever contradict it? And, in a concern that is so completely my own, shall my will go for nothing? Would you lay down this rule for yourself, and suffer no other creature to take the benefit of it? I want nothing of you: how dare you refuse me the privilege of a reasonable being, to live unmolested in poverty and innocence? What sort of a man do you show yourself, you that lay claim to the respect and applause of every one that knows you?"
"Selfish, merciless man! So it’s enough for you that I have no one to defend me! But I'm not as helpless as you think. You can imprison my body, but you can't control my mind. Marry Mr. Grimes! And is this how you plan to force me into your wishes? Every hardship I endure only pushes the goal you unjustly aim for further away. You're not used to having your desires challenged! When have I ever challenged you? And in a matter that's completely my own, should my will mean nothing? Would you set such a rule for yourself and deny any other person the chance to benefit from it? I want nothing from you: how dare you deny me the right of a reasonable person to live in peace, even in poverty and innocence? What kind of man do you think you are, claiming the respect and admiration of everyone who knows you?"
The spirited reproaches of Emily had at first the effect to fill Mr. Tyrrel with astonishment, and make him feel abashed and overawed in the presence of this unprotected innocent. But his confusion was the result of surprise. When the first emotion wore off, he cursed himself for being moved by her expostulations; and was ten times more exasperated against her, for daring to defy his resentment at a time when she had every thing to fear. His despotic and unforgiving propensities stimulated him to a degree little short of madness. At the same time his habits, which were pensive and gloomy, led him to meditate a variety of schemes to punish her obstinacy. He began to suspect that there was little hope of succeeding by open force, and therefore determined to have recourse to treachery.
Emily's spirited accusations initially left Mr. Tyrrel astonished, making him feel embarrassed and intimidated in front of this defenseless girl. But his confusion stemmed from surprise. Once that feeling passed, he cursed himself for being swayed by her arguments and became even more frustrated with her for having the audacity to challenge his anger when she had so much to lose. His tyrannical and unforgiving nature pushed him to a near-mad state. At the same time, his brooding and melancholic tendencies led him to think of various ways to punish her stubbornness. He started to doubt whether he could succeed with outright force and thus decided to resort to deceit.
He found in Grimes an instrument sufficiently adapted to his purpose. This fellow, without an atom of intentional malice, was fitted, by the mere coarseness of his perceptions, for the perpetration of the greatest injuries. He regarded both injury and advantage merely as they related to the gratifications of appetite; and considered it an essential in true wisdom, to treat with insult the effeminacy of those who suffer themselves to be tormented with ideal misfortunes. He believed that no happier destiny could befal a young woman than to be his wife; and he conceived that that termination would amply compensate for any calamities she might suppose herself to undergo in the interval. He was therefore easily prevailed upon, by certain temptations which Mr. Tyrrel knew how to employ, to take part in the plot into which Miss Melville was meant to be betrayed.
He found Grimes to be a tool well-suited to his needs. This guy, without any real malice, was perfectly capable of causing serious harm just because of his blunt perception. He saw both harm and benefit only in terms of satisfying his desires and thought it was wise to mock the weakness of those who let themselves be tormented by imaginary troubles. He believed there was no better fate for a young woman than to be his wife, convinced that this outcome would more than make up for any hardships she might think she was experiencing in the meantime. So, he was easily persuaded by certain temptations that Mr. Tyrrel knew how to use to get him to join in the scheme to betray Miss Melville.
Matters being thus prepared, Mr. Tyrrel proceeded, through the means of the gaoler (for the experience he already had of personal discussion did not incline him to repeat his visits), to play upon the fears of his prisoner. This woman, sometimes under the pretence of friendship, and sometimes with open malice, informed Emily, from time to time, of the preparations that were making for her marriage. One day, "the squire had rode over to look at a neat little farm which was destined for the habitation of the new-married couple;" and at another, "a quantity of live stock and household furniture was procured, that every thing might be ready for their reception." She then told her "of a licence that was bought, a parson in readiness, and a day fixed for the nuptials." When Emily endeavoured, though with increased misgivings, to ridicule these proceedings as absolutely nugatory without her consent, her artful gouvernante related several stories of forced marriages, and assured her that neither protestations, nor silence, nor fainting, would be of any avail, either to suspend the ceremony, or to set it aside when performed.
With everything set, Mr. Tyrrel decided to use the jailer to manipulate the fears of his prisoner, since he wasn’t keen on visiting her in person again. This woman, sometimes pretending to be friendly and other times acting with outright malice, would occasionally inform Emily about the arrangements being made for her marriage. One day, she mentioned that “the squire had ridden over to check out a nice little farm that was meant for the newlyweds,” and on another occasion, “a bunch of livestock and household items had been gathered to make sure everything was ready for their arrival.” She then told her “that a marriage license had been bought, a priest was on standby, and a date had been set for the wedding.” When Emily tried to dismiss these developments with rising anxiety, arguing that they were pointless without her consent, her cunning governess recounted several stories of forced marriages and assured her that neither protests, silence, nor fainting would halt the ceremony or annul it once it was completed.
The situation of Miss Melville was in an eminent degree pitiable. She had no intercourse but with her persecutors. She had not a human being with whom to consult, who might afford her the smallest degree of consolation and encouragement. She had fortitude; but it was neither confirmed nor directed by the dictates of experience. It could not therefore be expected to be so inflexible, as with better information it would, no doubt, have been found. She had a clear and noble spirit; but she had some of her sex's errors. Her mind sunk under the uniform terrors with which she was assailed, and her health became visibly impaired.
Miss Melville's situation was extremely pitiful. She had no contact except with her tormentors. She didn't have anyone to talk to who could offer her even a little comfort and encouragement. She had determination, but it wasn't supported or guided by experience. So, it couldn't be expected to be as unyielding as it would have been with better knowledge. She had a clear and noble spirit, but she also had some of the weaknesses commonly found in women. Her mind was overwhelmed by the constant fears she faced, and her health started to visibly deteriorate.
Her firmness being thus far undermined, Grimes, in pursuance of his instructions, took care, in his next interview, to throw out an insinuation that, for his own part, he had never cared for the match, and since she was so averse to it, would be better pleased that it should never take place. Between one and the other however, he was got into a scrape, and now he supposed he must marry, will he, nill he. The two squires would infallibly ruin him upon the least appearance of backwardness on his part, as they were accustomed to do every inferior that resisted their will. Emily was rejoiced to find her admirer in so favourable a disposition; and earnestly pressed him to give effect to this humane declaration. Her representations were full of eloquence and energy. Grimes appeared to be moved at the fervency of her manner; but objected the resentment of Mr. Tyrrel and his landlord. At length, however, he suggested a project, in consequence of which he might assist her in her escape, without its ever coming to their knowledge, as, indeed, there was no likelihood that their suspicions would fix upon him. "To be sure," said he, "you have refused me in a disdainful sort of a way, as a man may say. Mayhap you thought I was no better 'an a brute: but I bear you no malice, and I will show you that I am more kind-hearted 'an you have been willing to think. It is a strange sort of a vagary you have taken, to stand in your own light, and disoblige all your friends. But if you are resolute, do you see? I scorn to be the husband of a lass that is not every bit as willing as I; and so I will even help to put you in a condition to follow your own inclinations."
Her confidence being shaken, Grimes, following his instructions, made sure during their next meeting to hint that he personally never cared for the match, and since she was so opposed to it, he would prefer it never happened. However, he found himself in a tough spot and figured he had to marry, whether he liked it or not. The two squires would definitely ruin him at the slightest sign of hesitation on his part, as was their habit with anyone who resisted their wishes. Emily was thrilled to see her admirer in such a favorable mood and urged him to act on this kind declaration. Her arguments were full of passion and conviction. Grimes seemed touched by her intensity but worried about the anger of Mr. Tyrrel and his landlord. Eventually, though, he proposed a plan to help her escape without their knowledge, as there was little chance their suspicions would fall on him. "Sure," he said, "you’ve turned me down in a pretty dismissive way, like a man might say. Maybe you thought I was nothing more than a brute: but I hold no grudge, and I’ll show you I’m kinder than you’ve been willing to believe. It’s a strange decision you’ve made, getting in the way of your own happiness and alienating all your friends. But if you’re determined, you see? I refuse to be the husband of a girl who isn’t just as willing as I am; so I’ll even help you be able to pursue your own wishes."
Emily listened to these suggestions at first with eagerness and approbation. But her fervency somewhat abated, when they came to discuss the minute parts of the undertaking. It was necessary, as Grimes informed her, that her escape should be effected in the dead of the night. He would conceal himself for that purpose in the garden, and be provided with false keys, by which to deliver her from her prison. These circumstances were by no means adapted to calm her perturbed imagination. To throw herself into the arms of the man whose intercourse she was employing every method to avoid, and whom, under the idea of a partner for life, she could least of all men endure, was, no doubt, an extraordinary proceeding. The attendant circumstances of darkness and solitude aggravated the picture. The situation of Tyrrel Place was uncommonly lonely; it was three miles from the nearest village, and not less than seven from that in which Mrs. Jakeman's sister resided, under whose protection Miss Melville was desirous of placing herself. The ingenuous character of Emily did not allow her once to suspect Grimes of intending to make an ungenerous and brutal advantage of these circumstances; but her mind involuntarily revolted against the idea of committing herself, alone, to the disposal of a man, whom she had lately been accustomed to consider as the instrument of her treacherous relation.
Emily initially listened to these suggestions with excitement and approval. But her enthusiasm started to fade when they began to discuss the details of the plan. It was essential, as Grimes explained, that her escape happen in the dead of night. He would hide in the garden and have fake keys to help free her from her confinement. These details did nothing to soothe her anxious mind. Throwing herself into the arms of the man she was trying to avoid and whom she could hardly tolerate as a lifelong partner was certainly a bold move. The added elements of darkness and isolation made the situation feel even more intense. Tyrrel Place was unusually remote; it was three miles from the nearest village and at least seven from the one where Mrs. Jakeman's sister lived, where Miss Melville wanted to go for safety. Emily’s honest nature didn’t let her suspect Grimes of planning to take advantage of the situation, but the thought of surrendering herself alone to a man she had just started to see as a tool of her deceitful relative made her uneasy.
After having for some time revolved these considerations, she thought of the expedient of desiring Grimes to engage Mrs. Jakeman's sister to wait for her at the outside of the garden. But this Grimes peremptorily refused. He even flew into a passion at the proposal. It showed very little gratitude, to desire him to disclose to other people his concern in this dangerous affair. For his part, he was determined, in consideration of his own safety, never to appear in it to any living soul. If Miss did not believe him, when he made this proposal out of pure good-nature, and would not trust him a single inch, she might even see to the consequences herself. He was resolved to condescend no further to the whims of a person who, in her treatment of him, had shown herself as proud as Lucifer himself.
After thinking about it for a while, she considered asking Grimes to have Mrs. Jakeman's sister wait for her outside the garden. But Grimes flatly refused. He even got angry at the suggestion. It showed a lack of gratitude to expect him to reveal his involvement in this risky situation to others. For his part, he was set on never letting anyone know about it for his own safety. If she didn't believe him when he made this suggestion out of pure kindness and wouldn’t trust him at all, she could deal with the consequences herself. He was determined not to put up with the whims of someone who had treated him with such arrogance.
Emily exerted herself to appease his resentment; but all the eloquence of her new confederate could not prevail upon her instantly to give up her objection. She desired till the next day to consider of it. The day after was fixed by Mr. Tyrrel for the marriage ceremony. In the mean time she was pestered with intimations, in a thousand forms, of the fate that so nearly awaited her. The preparations were so continued, methodical, and regular, as to produce in her the most painful and aching anxiety. If her heart attained a moment's intermission upon the subject, her female attendant was sure, by some sly hint or sarcastical remark, to put a speedy termination to her tranquillity. She felt herself, as she afterwards remarked, alone, uninstructed, just broken loose, as it were, from the trammels of infancy, without one single creature to concern himself in her fate. She, who till then never knew an enemy, had now, for three weeks, not seen the glimpse of a human countenance, that she had not good reason to consider as wholly estranged to her at least, if not unrelentingly bent on her destruction. She now, for the first time, experienced the anguish of never having known her parents, and being cast upon the charity of people with whom she had too little equality, to hope to receive from them the offices of friendship.
Emily worked hard to soothe his anger, but even all of her new ally's persuasive words couldn't convince her to drop her objections right away. She wanted until the next day to think about it. The day after was set by Mr. Tyrrel for the wedding ceremony. In the meantime, she was bombarded with hints in countless forms about the fate that was so close to happening. The preparations were so constant, organized, and systematic that they caused her the most painful and anxious distress. Whenever her heart found a moment of peace on the topic, her maid would inevitably, through some sly comment or sarcastic remark, quickly end her brief calm. She felt, as she later noted, completely alone, without guidance, just freed, as it were, from the confines of childhood, with no one at all to care about her future. She, who had never known an enemy until then, had now, for three weeks, not seen a single human face that she didn't have good reason to believe was either completely indifferent to her or actively seeking her ruin. For the first time, she felt the pain of never having known her parents and being thrown into the care of people with whom she had too little in common to expect any real friendship from.
The succeeding night was filled with the most anxious thoughts. When a momentary oblivion stole upon her senses, her distempered imagination conjured up a thousand images of violence and falsehood; she saw herself in the hands of her determined enemies, who did not hesitate by the most daring treachery to complete her ruin. Her waking thoughts were not more consoling. The struggle was too great for her constitution. As morning approached, she resolved, at all hazards, to put herself into the hands of Grimes. This determination was no sooner made, than she felt her heart sensibly lightened. She could not conceive any evil which could result from this proceeding, that deserved to be put in the balance against those which, under the roof of her kinsman, appeared unavoidable.
The following night was filled with anxious thoughts. Whenever a moment of forgetfulness washed over her, her troubled imagination conjured up a thousand images of violence and deceit; she envisioned herself at the mercy of her relentless enemies, who wouldn’t hesitate to ruin her through the most daring betrayal. Her thoughts while awake were no more comforting. The struggle was too overwhelming for her to handle. As morning approached, she decided, regardless of the risks, to put herself in Grimes' hands. As soon as she made this decision, she felt a noticeable lightness in her heart. She couldn't see any real harm coming from this choice that was worth weighing against the inevitable troubles she faced under her relative's roof.
When she communicated her determination to Grimes, it was not possible to say whether he received pleasure or pain from the intimation. He smiled indeed; but his smile was accompanied by a certain abrupt ruggedness of countenance, so that it might equally well be the smile of sarcasm or of congratulation. He, however, renewed his assurances of fidelity to his engagements and punctuality of execution. Meanwhile the day was interspersed with nuptial presents and preparations, all indicating the firmness as well as security of the directors of the scene. Emily had hoped that, as the crisis approached, they might have remitted something of their usual diligence. She was resolved, in that case, if a fair opportunity had offered, to give the slip both to her jailors, and to her new and reluctantly chosen confederate. But, though extremely vigilant for that purpose, she found the execution of the idea impracticable.
When she expressed her determination to Grimes, it was unclear whether he felt pleasure or pain from her words. He smiled, but there was a certain roughness in his expression, making it hard to tell if his smile was sarcastic or genuinely congratulatory. Nevertheless, he reaffirmed his commitment to his responsibilities and timely execution. Meanwhile, the day was filled with wedding gifts and preparations, showcasing the confidence and control of those in charge. Emily had hoped that as the moment neared, they might ease up on their usual attentiveness. She was determined that if a good chance presented itself, she would escape both her captors and her new, unwilling partner. However, despite being extremely watchful, she found it impractical to carry out her plan.
At length the night, so critical to her happiness, approached. The mind of Emily could not fail, on this occasion, to be extremely agitated. She had first exerted all her perspicacity to elude the vigilance of her attendant. This insolent and unfeeling tyrant, instead of any relentings, had only sought to make sport of her anxiety. Accordingly, in one instance she hid herself, and, suffering Emily to suppose that the coast was clear, met her at the end of the gallery, near the top of the staircase. "How do you do, my dear?" said she, with an insulting tone. "And so the little dear thought itself cunning enough to outwit me, did it? Oh, it was a sly little gipsy! Go, go back, love; troop!" Emily felt deeply the trick that was played upon her. She sighed, but disdained to return any answer to this low vulgarity. Being once more in her chamber, she sat down in a chair, and remained buried in reverie for more than two hours. After this she went to her drawers, and turned over, in a hurrying confused way, her linen and clothes, having in her mind the provision it would be necessary to make for her elopement. Her jailor officiously followed her from place to place, and observed what she did for the present in silence. It was now the hour of rest. "Good night, child," said this saucy girl, in the act of retiring. "It is time to lock up. For the few next hours, the time is your own. Make the best use of it! Do'ee think ee can creep out at the key-hole, lovey? At eight o'clock you see me again. And then, and then," added she, clapping her hands, "it is all over. The sun is not surer to rise, than you and your honest man to be made one."
At last, the night that was so crucial to her happiness arrived. Emily's mind was understandably very agitated. She had put all her cleverness into trying to avoid the watchful eye of her attendant. This rude and heartless tyrant, instead of showing any mercy, only seemed to enjoy her anxiety. At one point, she hid and, making Emily think it was safe, confronted her at the end of the hallway, near the top of the stairs. "How are you, my dear?" she asked mockingly. "So the little one thought she could outsmart me, huh? What a sly little thing! Go on back, darling; scoot!" Emily felt the sting of the trick played on her. She sighed but refused to respond to such low insults. Once back in her room, she sat in a chair, lost in thought for over two hours. After that, she rushed to her drawers and hurriedly went through her linens and clothes, planning for her escape. Her jailor followed her around, silently watching her actions. It was now time for bed. "Good night, dear," said the cheeky girl as she started to leave. "It's time to lock up. For the next few hours, the time is yours. Make the most of it! Do you really think you can sneak out through the keyhole, love? I'll see you again at eight o'clock. And then, and then," she added, clapping her hands, "it's all over. The sun will rise just as surely as you and your honest man will be joined together."
There was something in the tone with which this slut uttered her farewell, that suggested the question to Emily, "What does she mean? Is it possible that she should know what has been planned for the few next hours?"—This was the first moment that suspicion had offered itself, and its continuance was short. With an aching heart she folded up the few necessaries she intended to take with her. She instinctively listened, with an anxiety that would almost have enabled her to hear the stirring of a leaf. From time to time she thought her ear was struck with the sound of feet; but the treading, if treading it were, was so soft, that she could never ascertain whether it were a real sound, or the mere creature of the fancy. Then all was still, as if the universal motion had been at rest. By and by she conceived she overheard a noise as of buzzing and low-muttered speech. Her heart palpitated; for a second time she began to doubt the honesty of Grimes. The suggestion was now more anxious than before; but it was too late. Presently she heard the sound of a key in her chamber-door, and the rustic made his appearance. She started, and cried, "Are we discovered? did not I hear you speak?" Grimes advanced on tiptoe with his finger to his lip. "No, no," replied he, "all is safe!" He took her by the hand, led her in silence out of the house, and then across the garden. Emily examined with her eye the doors and passages as they proceeded, and looked on all sides with fearful suspicion; but every thing was as vacant and still as she herself could have wished. Grimes opened a back-door of the garden already unlocked, that led into an unfrequented lane. There stood two horses ready equipped for the journey, and fastened by their bridles to a post not six yards distant from the garden. Grimes pushed the door after them.
There was something in the tone with which this woman said her goodbye that made Emily wonder, "What does she mean? Is it possible she knows what’s been planned for the next few hours?" This was the first time suspicion had crossed her mind, and it didn’t last long. With a heavy heart, she packed up the few essentials she intended to take with her. She instinctively listened, her anxiety so heightened that she felt she could hear the rustling of a leaf. Occasionally, she thought she heard footsteps, but if they were footsteps, they were so soft that she could never tell if it was real or just her imagination. Then everything fell silent, as if all motion had paused. Eventually, she thought she overheard a sound like buzzing and murmured speech. Her heart raced; for the second time, she started to doubt Grimes' honesty. The thought made her even more anxious, but it was too late. Soon, she heard the sound of a key in her room door, and Grimes appeared. She jumped and exclaimed, "Are we caught? Didn’t I hear you speaking?" Grimes approached quietly, finger to his lips. "No, no," he replied, "everything is safe!" He took her hand, led her silently from the house, and then across the garden. As they moved, Emily scanned the doors and pathways, looking around with fearful suspicion; but everything was as empty and quiet as she could have hoped. Grimes opened a back door of the garden, already unlocked, that led into a secluded lane. There were two horses fully equipped for the journey, tied by their bridles to a post not six yards from the garden. Grimes pushed the door shut behind them.
"By Gemini," said he, "my heart was in my mouth. As I comed along to you, I saw Mun, coachey, pop along from the back-door to the stables. He was within a hop, step, and jump of me. But he had a lanthorn in his hand, and he did not see me, being as I was darkling." Saying this, he assisted Miss Melville to mount. He troubled her little during the route; on the contrary, he was remarkably silent and contemplative, a circumstance by no means disagreeable to Emily, to whom his conversation had never been acceptable.
"By Gemini," he said, "my heart was racing. As I was on my way to you, I saw Mun, the coachman, come from the back door to the stables. He was just a hop, skip, and jump away from me. But he had a lantern in his hand, and he didn’t see me since I was in the shadows." Saying this, he helped Miss Melville get on. He didn’t bother her much during the ride; on the contrary, he was unusually quiet and thoughtful, which was by no means unpleasant for Emily, who had never really enjoyed his conversation.
After having proceeded about two miles, they turned into a wood, through which the road led to the place of their destination. The night was extremely dark, at the same time that the air was soft and mild, it being now the middle of summer. Under pretence of exploring the way, Grimes contrived, when they had already penetrated into the midst of this gloomy solitude, to get his horse abreast with that of Miss Melville, and then, suddenly reaching out his hand, seized hold of her bridle. "I think we may as well stop here a bit," said he.
After traveling about two miles, they turned into a woods where the road led to their destination. The night was very dark, but the air was soft and mild since it was the middle of summer. Under the pretense of figuring out the way, Grimes managed to ride his horse alongside Miss Melville's, and then, suddenly reaching out his hand, grabbed her bridle. "I think we might as well stop here for a bit," he said.
"Stop!" exclaimed Emily with surprise; "why should we stop? Mr. Grimes, what do you mean?"
"Stop!" Emily exclaimed in surprise. "Why should we stop? Mr. Grimes, what do you mean?"
"Come, come," said he, "never trouble yourself to wonder. Did you think I were such a goose, to take all this trouble merely to gratify your whim? I' faith, nobody shall find me a pack-horse, to go of other folks' errands, without knowing a reason why. I cannot say that I much minded to have you at first; but your ways are enough to stir the blood of my grand-dad. Far-fetched and dear-bought is always relishing. Your consent was so hard to gain, that squire thought it was surest asking in the dark. A' said however, a' would have no such doings in his house, and so, do ye see, we are comed here."
"Come on," he said, "don't bother wondering about it. Did you really think I’d go through all this trouble just to satisfy your whim? Honestly, no one is going to make me a packhorse running errands for others without knowing why. I can’t say I was all that keen on having you around at first; but your behavior would drive my granddad crazy. Things that are hard to get and expensive are always appealing. Getting your approval was such a challenge that the squire thought it was best to ask in secret. However, he said he wouldn’t allow that kind of thing in his house, so, you see, we ended up here."
"For God's sake, Mr. Grimes, think what you are about! You cannot be base enough to ruin a poor creature who has put herself under your protection!
"For goodness' sake, Mr. Grimes, think about what you're doing! You can't be so cruel as to destroy someone who has relied on your protection!"
"Ruin! No, no, I will make an honest woman of you, when all is done. Nay, none of your airs; no tricks upon travellers! I have you here as safe AS a horse in a pound; there is not a house nor a shed within a mile of us; and, if I miss the opportunity, call me spade. Faith, you are a delicate morsel, and there is no time to be lost!"
"Ruin! No, no, I will make an honest woman out of you, when everything’s settled. Come on, drop the pretenses; no playing games with travelers! I’ve got you here as safe as a horse in a pen; there isn’t a house or shed within a mile of us; and if I let this chance slip away, call me what you want. Honestly, you’re a fine catch, and there’s no time to waste!"
Miss Melville had but an instant in which to collect her thoughts. She felt that there was little hope of softening the obstinate and insensible brute in whose power she was placed. But the presence of mind and intrepidity annexed to her character did not now desert her. Grimes had scarcely finished his harangue, when, with a strong and unexpected jerk, she disengaged the bridle from his grasp, and at the same time put her horse upon full speed. She had scarcely advanced twice the length of her horse, when Grimes recovered from his surprise, and pursued her, inexpressibly mortified at being so easily overreached. The sound of his horse behind served but to rouse more completely the mettle of that of Emily; whether by accident or sagacity, the animal pursued without a fault the narrow and winding way; and the chase continued the whole length of the wood.
Miss Melville had just a moment to gather her thoughts. She realized there was little chance of softening the stubborn and insensitive brute who held her captive. But her presence of mind and bravery didn't abandon her now. Grimes had barely finished his speech when she forcefully pulled the bridle from his grip and kicked her horse into full speed. She had hardly gone twice the length of her horse when Grimes shook off his surprise and chased after her, feeling incredibly humiliated at being outsmarted so easily. The sound of his horse behind her only spurred Emily's horse on further; whether by chance or skill, the animal navigated the narrow, winding path flawlessly, and the chase continued all the way through the woods.
At the extremity of this wood there was a gate. The recollection of this softened a little the cutting disappointment of Grimes, as he thought himself secure of putting an end, by its assistance, to the career of Emily; nor was it very probable that any body would appear to interrupt his designs, in such a place, and in the dead and silence of the night. By the most extraordinary accident, however, they found a man on horseback in wait at this gate. "Help, help!" exclaimed the affrighted Emily; "thieves! murder! help!" The man was Mr. Falkland. Grimes knew his voice; and therefore, though he attempted a sort of sullen resistance, it was feebly made. Two other men, whom, by reason of the darkness, he had not at first seen, and who were Mr. Falkland's servants, hearing the bustle of the rencounter, and alarmed for the safety of their master, rode up; and then Grimes, disappointed at the loss of his gratification, and admonished by conscious guilt, shrunk from farther parley, and rode off in silence.
At the edge of the woods, there was a gate. Remembering this brought Grimes a bit of comfort amidst his deep disappointment, as he believed he could use it to end Emily's life. It seemed unlikely anyone would show up to interrupt him in such a remote place and in the dead of night. However, by a strange twist of fate, they found a man on horseback waiting by the gate. "Help, help!" cried the terrified Emily; "thieves! murder! help!" The man was Mr. Falkland. Grimes recognized his voice, and even though he tried to resist, it was weak. Two other men, who were Mr. Falkland's servants and whom he hadn't seen in the darkness, heard the commotion and rode over, concerned for their master's safety. Disappointed that he couldn't carry out his plan and feeling guilty, Grimes backed off from further confrontation and rode away quietly.
It may seem strange that Mr. Falkland should thus a second time have been the saviour of Miss Melville, and that under circumstances the most unexpected and singular. But in this instance it is easily to be accounted for. He had heard of a man who lurked about this wood for robbery or some other bad design, and that it was conjectured this man was Hawkins, another of the victims of Mr. Tyrrel's rural tyranny, whom I shall immediately have occasion to introduce. Mr. Falkland's compassion had already been strongly excited in favour of Hawkins; he had in vain endeavoured to find him, and do him good; and he easily conceived that, if the conjecture which had been made in this instance proved true, he might have it in his power not only to do what he had always intended, but further, to save from a perilous offence against the laws and society a man who appeared to have strongly imbibed the principles of justice and virtue. He took with him two servants, because, going with the express design of encountering robbers, if robbers should be found, he believed he should be inexcusable if he did not go provided against possible accidents. But he had directed them, at the same time that they kept within call, to be out of the reach of being seen; and it was only the eagerness of their zeal that had brought them up thus early in the present encounter.
It might seem strange that Mr. Falkland would once again be the savior of Miss Melville, especially in such unexpected and unusual circumstances. However, there's a straightforward explanation for this. He had heard about a man who was hiding out in the woods for robbery or some other bad purpose, and it was believed that this man was Hawkins, another victim of Mr. Tyrrel's oppressive rule, whom I will soon introduce. Mr. Falkland had already felt a strong sense of compassion for Hawkins; he had tried in vain to find him and help him. He realized that if the theory about this man turned out to be true, he could fulfill his long-held intention of helping Hawkins while also saving him from committing a serious crime against the law and society—especially since Hawkins seemed to genuinely believe in justice and virtue. He took two servants with him because, knowing he was going specifically to confront robbers, he thought it would be irresponsible not to prepare for any potential issues. However, he instructed them to stay nearby but out of sight, and their eagerness to assist had led them to join him early in this situation.
This new adventure promised something extraordinary. Mr. Falkland did not immediately recognise Miss Melville; and the person of Grimes was that of a total stranger, whom he did not recollect to have ever seen. But it was easy to understand the merits of the case, and the propriety of interfering. The resolute manner of Mr. Falkland, conjoined with the dread which Grimes, oppressed with a sense of wrong, entertained of the opposition of so elevated a personage, speedily put the ravisher to flight. Emily was left alone with her deliverer. He found her much more collected and calm, than could reasonably have been expected from a person who had been, a moment before, in the most alarming situation. She told him of the place to which she desired to be conveyed, and he immediately undertook to escort her. As they went along, she recovered that state of mind which inclined her to make a person to whom she had such repeated obligations, and who was so eminently the object of her admiration, acquainted with the events that had recently befallen her. Mr. Falkland listened with eagerness and surprise. Though he had already known various instances of Mr. Tyrrel's mean jealousy and unfeeling tyranny, this surpassed them all; and he could scarcely credit his ears while he heard the tale. His brutal neighbour seemed to realise all that has been told of the passions of fiends. Miss Melville was obliged to repeat, in the course of her tale, her kinsman's rude accusation against her, of entertaining a passion for Mr. Falkland; and this she did with the most bewitching simplicity and charming confusion. Though this part of the tale was a source of real pain to her deliverer, yet it is not to be supposed but that the flattering partiality of this unhappy girl increased the interest he felt in her welfare, and the indignation he conceived against her infernal kinsman.
This new adventure promised something extraordinary. Mr. Falkland didn’t immediately recognize Miss Melville, and Grimes appeared to be a complete stranger whom he didn’t recall ever seeing before. However, it was easy to grasp the situation and the need to step in. Mr. Falkland's determined demeanor, combined with the fear Grimes felt from confronting someone of such high status, quickly sent the assailant running. Emily was left alone with her rescuer. He found her much more composed and calm than anyone would reasonably expect from someone who had just been in such a terrifying situation. She told him where she wanted to go, and he immediately agreed to escort her. As they walked, she regained her composure and felt inclined to share with someone to whom she owed so much and who was the object of her admiration, the events that had recently occurred. Mr. Falkland listened with eagerness and surprise. Although he was already aware of Mr. Tyrrel's petty jealousy and cruel behavior, this was worse than anything he had heard before; he could hardly believe what he was hearing. His brutal neighbor seemed to embody everything that had been said about the madness of evil beings. Miss Melville had to repeat her relative's rude accusation that she had feelings for Mr. Falkland, and she did so with the most charming innocence and delightful embarrassment. Although this part of the story genuinely pained her rescuer, it is clear that the flattering attention of this unfortunate girl heightened his concern for her well-being and deepened his anger toward her wretched relative.
They arrived without accident at the house of the good lady under whose protection Emily desired to place herself. Here Mr. Falkland willingly left her as in a place of security. Such conspiracies as that of which she was intended to have been the victim, depend for their success upon the person against whom they are formed being out of the reach of help; and the moment they are detected, they are annihilated. Such reasoning will, no doubt, be generally found sufficiently solid; and it appeared to Mr. Falkland perfectly applicable to the present case. But he was mistaken.
They arrived safely at the home of the kind woman under whose protection Emily wanted to place herself. Mr. Falkland willingly left her there, believing it was a safe place. Conspiracies like the one she was supposed to be a victim of rely on the target being unreachable for help; once they are uncovered, they fall apart. This reasoning is generally sound, and Mr. Falkland thought it perfectly fit the situation. But he was wrong.
CHAPTER IX.
Mr. Falkland had experienced the nullity of all expostulation with Mr. Tyrrel, and was therefore content in the present case with confining his attention to the intended victim. The indignation with which he thought of his neighbour's character was now grown to such a height, as to fill him with reluctance to the idea of a voluntary interview. There was indeed another affair which had been contemporary with this, that had once more brought these mortal enemies into a state of contest, and had contributed to raise into a temper little short of madness, the already inflamed and corrosive bitterness of Mr. Tyrrel.
Mr. Falkland had realized that trying to reason with Mr. Tyrrel was pointless, so in this situation, he focused only on the intended victim. His anger toward his neighbor's character had reached such a level that he was hesitant about the idea of a voluntary meeting. There was also another matter that was happening alongside this one, which had once again put these sworn enemies in conflict and added to Mr. Tyrrel's already intense and destructive bitterness, bringing him to a near-mad state.
There was a tenant of Mr. Tyrrel, one Hawkins;—I cannot mention his name without recollecting the painful tragedies that are annexed to it! This Hawkins had originally been taken up by Mr. Tyrrel, with a view of protecting him from the arbitrary proceedings of a neighbouring squire, though he had now in his turn become an object of persecution to Mr. Tyrrel himself. The first ground of their connection was this:—Hawkins, beside a farm which he rented under the above-mentioned squire, had a small freehold estate that he inherited from his father. This of course entitled him to a vote in the county elections; and, a warmly contested election having occurred, he was required by his landlord to vote for the candidate in whose favour he had himself engaged. Hawkins refused to obey the mandate, and soon after received notice to quit the farm he at that time rented.
There was a tenant of Mr. Tyrrel named Hawkins; I can’t mention his name without remembering the painful tragedies connected to it! Hawkins had originally been taken in by Mr. Tyrrel to protect him from the unfair actions of a neighboring landlord, but he had now become a target of Mr. Tyrrel’s persecution himself. The reason they got connected was this: Hawkins, in addition to a farm he rented from the aforementioned landlord, also had a small freehold estate he inherited from his father. This naturally gave him the right to vote in the county elections, and when a hotly contested election came up, his landlord demanded that he vote for the candidate he had supported. Hawkins refused to comply and soon after received a notice to leave the farm he was renting.
It happened that Mr. Tyrrel had interested himself strongly in behalf of the opposite candidate; and, as Mr. Tyrrel's estate bordered upon the seat of Hawkins's present residence, the ejected countryman could think of no better expedient than that of riding over to this gentleman's mansion, and relating the case to him. Mr. Tyrrel heard him through with attention. "Well, friend," said he, "it is very true that I wished Mr. Jackman to carry his election; but you know it is usual in these cases for tenants to vote just as their landlords please. I do not think proper to encourage rebellion."—"All that is very right, and please you," replied Hawkins, "and I would have voted at my landlord's bidding for any other man in the kingdom but Squire Marlow. You must know one day his huntsman rode over my fence, and so through my best field of standing corn. It was not above a dozen yards about if he had kept the cart-road. The fellow had served me the same sauce, an it please your honour, three or four times before. So I only asked him what he did that for, and whether he had not more conscience than to spoil people's crops o' that fashion? Presently the squire came up. He is but a poor, weazen-face chicken of a gentleman, saving your honour's reverence. And so he flew into a woundy passion, and threatened to horsewhip me. I will do as much in reason to pleasure my landlord as arr a tenant he has; but I will not give my vote to a man that threatens to horsewhip me. And so, your honour, I and my wife and three children are to be turned out of house and home, and what I am to do to maintain them God knows. I have been a hard-working man, and have always lived well, and I do think the case is main hard. Squire Underwood turns me out of my farm; and if your honour do not take me in, I know none of the neighbouring gentry will, for fear, as they say, of encouraging their own tenants to run rusty too."
It turned out that Mr. Tyrrel was strongly supporting the opposing candidate, and since his estate was next to where Hawkins lived, the ousted farmer thought his best option was to ride over to Mr. Tyrrel’s house and share his situation. Mr. Tyrrel listened carefully. "Well, my friend," he said, "it’s true that I wanted Mr. Jackman to win, but you know it’s common for tenants to vote as their landlords want. I don't think it's right to encourage rebellion." — "That’s all very well and good," Hawkins replied, "but I would have voted for any other man in the country at my landlord's request, except Squire Marlow. You should know that one day his huntsman rode over my fence and through my best field of standing corn. It was only about twelve yards away if he had stayed on the cart road. That guy had done the same to me three or four times before. So I just asked him why he did that and if he didn’t have more decency than to ruin crops like that? Soon enough, the squire came up. He’s just a scrawny little guy, with all due respect, your honor. He got really angry and threatened to horsewhip me. I’m willing to do a lot to please my landlord, just like any good tenant, but I won’t vote for someone who threatens me. And now, your honor, my wife, our three kids, and I are going to be thrown out of our home, and I have no idea how I’m going to take care of them. I’ve worked hard all my life, and we’ve always done okay, and I think this situation is really unfair. Squire Underwood wants to kick me off my farm, and if you don’t help me, I know none of the local gentry will, because they’re afraid of encouraging their own tenants to go against them, too."
This representation was not without its effect upon Mr. Tyrrel. "Well, well, man," replied he, "we will see what can be done. Order and subordination are very good things; but people should know how much to require. As you tell the story, I cannot see that you are greatly to blame. Marlow is a coxcombical prig, that is the truth on't; and if a man will expose himself, why, he must even take what follows. I do hate a Frenchified fop with all my soul: and I cannot say that I am much pleased with my neighbour Underwood for taking the part of such a rascal. Hawkins, I think, is your name? You may call on Barnes, my steward, to-morrow, and he shall speak to you."
This conversation definitely had an impact on Mr. Tyrrel. "Alright, alright," he replied, "let's see what can be done. Order and discipline are important, but people should know how much to expect. From what you’ve said, I don’t think you’re really to blame. Marlow is an irritating show-off, that’s the bottom line; and if a guy wants to put himself out there, then he has to deal with the consequences. I can’t stand a pretentious dandy with all my heart: and I have to say I’m not too happy with my neighbor Underwood for supporting such a jerk. Hawkins, I believe is your name? You can visit Barnes, my steward, tomorrow, and he’ll talk to you."
While Mr. Tyrrel was speaking, he recollected that he had a farm vacant, of nearly the same value as that which Hawkins at present rented under Mr. Underwood. He immediately consulted his steward, and, finding the thing suitable in every respect, Hawkins was installed out of hand in the catalogue of Mr. Tyrrel's tenants. Mr. Underwood extremely resented this proceeding, which indeed, as being contrary to the understood conventions of the country gentlemen, few people but Mr. Tyrrel would have ventured upon. There was an end, said Mr. Underwood, to all regulation, if tenants were to be encouraged in such disobedience. It was not a question of this or that candidate, seeing that any gentleman, who was a true friend to his country, would rather lose his election than do a thing which, if once established into a practice, would deprive them for ever of the power of managing any election. The labouring people were sturdy and resolute enough of their own accord; it became every day more difficult to keep them under any subordination; and, if the gentlemen were so ill advised as to neglect the public good, and encourage them in their insolence, there was no foreseeing where it would end.
While Mr. Tyrrel was talking, he remembered that he had a vacant farm that was almost the same value as the one Hawkins was currently renting from Mr. Underwood. He quickly consulted his steward, and finding everything suitable, Hawkins was immediately added to Mr. Tyrrel's list of tenants. Mr. Underwood was very angry about this decision, which, indeed, few people except Mr. Tyrrel would have dared to make, as it went against the understood norms among country gentlemen. Mr. Underwood stated that this was the end of all regulations if tenants were encouraged to disobey like this. It wasn't about one candidate over another, as any gentleman who truly cared for his country would prefer to lose his election than do something that, if it became a norm, would take away their ability to manage elections forever. The working class was already quite strong and resolute on their own; it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep them under control. If the gentlemen were foolish enough to ignore the public good and encourage their insolence, there was no telling where it would lead.
Mr. Tyrrel was not of a stamp to be influenced by these remonstrances. Their general spirit was sufficiently conformable to the sentiments he himself entertained; but he was of too vehement a temper to maintain the character of a consistent politician; and, however wrong his conduct might be, he would by no means admit of its being set right by the suggestions of others. The more his patronage of Hawkins was criticised, the more inflexibly he adhered to it; and he was at no loss in clubs and other assemblies to overbear and silence, if not to confute, his censurers. Beside which, Hawkins had certain accomplishments which qualified him to be a favourite with Mr. Tyrrel. The bluntness of his manner and the ruggedness of his temper gave him some resemblance to his landord; and, as these qualities were likely to be more frequently exercised on such persons as had incurred Mr. Tyrrel's displeasure, than upon Mr. Tyrrel himself, they were not observed without some degree of complacency. In a word, he every day received new marks of distinction from his patron, and after some time was appointed coadjutor to Mr. Barnes under the denomination of bailiff. It was about the same period that he obtained a lease of the farm of which he was tenant.
Mr. Tyrrel was not the type to be swayed by these objections. Their overall sentiment aligned with his own views, but he was too passionate to keep up the image of a consistent politician. Regardless of how wrong his actions might seem, he would not allow anyone else to correct him. The more people criticized his support of Hawkins, the more stubbornly he held onto it. He had no trouble dominating conversations in clubs and other gatherings to drown out, if not refute, his critics. Additionally, Hawkins had certain traits that made him a favorite of Mr. Tyrrel. His blunt manner and rough temperament reminded Mr. Tyrrel of himself; and since these traits were more likely to be directed at those who had angered Mr. Tyrrel rather than at Mr. Tyrrel himself, they were noted with some satisfaction. In short, he received new honors from his patron every day, and after a while, he was named assistant to Mr. Barnes as the bailiff. Around the same time, he secured a lease for the farm he was renting.
Mr. Tyrrel determined, as occasion offered, to promote every part of the family of this favoured dependent. Hawkins had a son, a lad of seventeen, of an agreeable person, a ruddy complexion, and of quick and lively parts. This lad was in an uncommon degree the favourite of his father, who seemed to have nothing so much at heart as the future welfare of his son. Mr. Tyrrel had noticed him two or three times with approbation; and the boy, being fond of the sports of the field, had occasionally followed the hounds, and displayed various instances, both of agility and sagacity, in presence of the squire. One day in particular he exhibited himself with uncommon advantage; and Mr. Tyrrel without further delay proposed to his father, to take him into his family, and make him whipper-in to his hounds, till he could provide him with some more lucrative appointment in his service.
Mr. Tyrrel decided, whenever the opportunity arose, to support every member of this favored dependent's family. Hawkins had a son, a seventeen-year-old boy, who was quite pleasant in appearance, with a healthy complexion and a quick, lively mind. This boy was exceptionally his father's favorite, who seemed to care deeply about his son's future. Mr. Tyrrel had noticed him a few times with approval; the boy, being fond of field sports, had occasionally followed the hounds and shown various instances of both agility and cleverness in front of the squire. One particular day, he distinguished himself impressively; and without hesitation, Mr. Tyrrel suggested to Hawkins that he take his son into his household and make him the whipper-in for his hounds until he could find him a more rewarding position in his service.
This proposal was received by Hawkins with various marks of mortification. He excused himself with hesitation for not accepting the offered favour; said the lad was in many ways useful to him; and hoped his honour would not insist upon depriving him of his assistance. This apology might perhaps have been sufficient with any other man than Mr. Tyrrel; but it was frequently observed of this gentleman that, when he had once formed a determination, however slight, in favour of any measure, he was never afterwards known to give it up, and that the only effect of opposition was to make him eager and inflexible, in pursuit of that to which he had before been nearly indifferent. At first he seemed to receive the apology of Hawkins with good humour, and to see nothing in it but what was reasonable; but afterwards, every time he saw the boy, his desire of retaining him in his service was increased, and he more than once repeated to his father the good disposition in which he felt himself towards him. At length he observed that the lad was no more to be seen mingling in his favourite sports, and he began to suspect that this originated in a determination to thwart him in his projects.
Hawkins received the proposal with a lot of embarrassment. He hesitated to explain why he couldn't accept the favor, mentioning that the boy was helpful to him in many ways and hoped that his honor wouldn’t insist on taking away his support. This excuse might have worked with anyone else but Mr. Tyrrel. It was often noted that once he made a decision, no matter how small, in favor of something, he never changed his mind. In fact, any opposition only made him more determined and stubborn about pursuing what he had previously shown little interest in. At first, he appeared to accept Hawkins' apology with good humor, thinking there was nothing unreasonable about it. However, each time he saw the boy, his desire to keep him around grew stronger, and he repeatedly mentioned to his father how positively he felt towards him. Eventually, he noticed that the boy was no longer joining in his favorite activities, and he started to suspect that this was a deliberate attempt to interfere with his plans.
Roused by this suspicion, which, to a man of Mr. Tyrrel's character, was not of a nature to brook delay, he sent for Hawkins to confer with him. "Hawkins," said he, in a tone of displeasure, "I am not satisfied with you. I have spoken to you two or three times about this lad of yours, whom I am desirous of taking into favour. What is the reason, sir, that you seem unthankful and averse to my kindness? You ought to know that I am not to be trifled with. I shall not be contented, when I offer my favours, to have them rejected by such fellows as you. I made you what you are; and, if I please, can make you more helpless and miserable than you were when I found you. Have a care!"
Woken by this suspicion, which someone like Mr. Tyrrel couldn't ignore, he called for Hawkins to discuss it. "Hawkins," he said in an annoyed tone, "I'm not happy with you. I've talked to you a couple of times about this boy of yours, whom I want to support. Why do you seem so ungrateful and resistant to my help? You should know that I don't take this lightly. I won't be satisfied if my offers are turned down by someone like you. I made you who you are; and if I choose, I can make you more helpless and miserable than you were when I found you. Be careful!"
"An it please your honour," said Hawkins, "you have been a very good master to me, and I will tell you the whole truth. I hope you will na be angry. This lad is my favourite, my comfort, and the stay of my age."
"Please, your honor," said Hawkins, "you have been a great boss to me, and I will tell you the whole truth. I hope you won't be mad. This kid is my favorite, my comfort, and the support of my old age."
"Well, and what then? Is that a reason you should hinder his preferment?"
"Well, so what? Does that mean you should hold back his promotion?"
"Nay, pray your honour, hear me. I may be very weak for aught I know in this case, but I cannot help it. My father was a clergyman. We have all of us lived in a creditable way; and I cannot bear to think that this poor lad of mine should go to service. For my part, I do not see any good that comes by servants. I do not know, your honour, but, I think, I should not like my Leonard to be such as they. God forgive me, if I wrong them! But this is a very dear case, and I cannot bear to risk my poor boy's welfare, when I can so easily, if you please, keep him out or harm's way. At present he is sober and industrious, and, without being pert or surly, knows what is due to him. I know, your honour, that it is main foolish of me to talk to you thus; but your honour has been a good master to me, and I cannot bear to tell you a lie."
"Please, your honor, hear me out. I might be very weak in this situation, but I can't help it. My father was a clergyman, and we've all lived respectably. I can't stand the thought of my poor son going into service. Honestly, I don’t see any benefits that come from being a servant. I don't know, your honor, but I really wouldn’t want my Leonard to turn out like them. God forgive me if I’m wrong about that! But this is a very important matter, and I can't risk my boy's well-being when I can so easily keep him safe. Right now, he’s sober and hardworking, and while he’s not rude or arrogant, he knows what he deserves. I know, your honor, that it’s quite foolish of me to speak to you like this; but you've been a good master to me, and I just can’t bring myself to lie to you."
Mr. Tyrrel had heard the whole of this harangue in silence, because he was too much astonished to open his mouth. If a thunderbolt had fallen at his feet, he could not have testified greater surprise. He had thought that Hawkins was so foolishly fond of his son, that he could not bear to trust him out of his presence; but had never in the slightest degree suspected what he now found to be the truth.
Mr. Tyrrel listened to the entire speech in silence, completely shocked and unable to say a word. He was more surprised than if a thunderbolt had struck at his feet. He had believed that Hawkins was so absurdly attached to his son that he wouldn't let him out of his sight; but he had never even remotely suspected the truth he was now discovering.
"Oh, ho, you are a gentleman, are you? A pretty gentleman truly! your father was a clergyman! Your family is too good to enter into my service! Why you impudent rascal! was it for this that I took you up, when Mr. Underwood dismissed you for your insolence to him? Have I been nursing a viper in my bosom? Pretty master's manners will be contaminated truly? He will not know what is due to him, but will be accustomed to obey orders! You insufferable villain! Get out of my sight! Depend upon it, I will have no gentlemen on my estate! I will off with them, root and branch, bag and baggage! So do you hear, sir? come to me to-morrow morning, bring your son, and ask my pardon; or, take my word for it, I will make you so miserable, you shall wish you had never been born."
"Oh, so you think you're a gentleman, huh? A real gentleman, for sure! Your dad was a clergyman! Your family is way too good to work for me! Why, you arrogant brat! Was this why I picked you up when Mr. Underwood kicked you out for being disrespectful? Have I been nurturing a snake in my embrace? That spoiled brat's manners will really be messed up? He won’t know how to act like he should, but he'll just be used to following orders! You unbearable jerk! Get out of my sight! Just so you know, I won't have any gentlemen on my property! I’ll get rid of them, roots and all, every last one of them! So, do you hear me? Come to me tomorrow morning, bring your son, and ask for my forgiveness; or, believe me, I will make your life so miserable that you’ll wish you had never been born."
This treatment was too much for Hawkins's patience. "There is no need, your honour, that I should come to you again about this affair. I have taken up my determination, and no time can make any change in it. I am main sorry to displease your worship, and I know that you can do me a great deal of mischief. But I hope you will not be so hardhearted as to ruin a father only for being fond of his child, even if so be that his fondness should make him do a foolish thing. But I cannot help it, your honour: you must do as you please. The poorest neger, as a man may say, has some point that he will not part with. I will lose all that I have, and go to day-labour, and my son too, if needs must; but I will not make a gentleman's servant of him."
This was too much for Hawkins's patience. "Your honor, there's no need for me to come to you about this issue again. I've made up my mind, and nothing will change it. I'm really sorry to upset you, and I know you can cause me a lot of trouble. But I hope you won't be so heartless as to ruin a father just for caring about his child, even if my caring leads me to do something foolish. But I can't help it, your honor: you should do what you think is best. Even the poorest person has something they won’t let go of. I’ll lose everything I have, and work manual labor, along with my son if necessary; but I won’t make a gentleman's servant out of him."
"Very well, friend; very well!" replied Mr. Tyrrel, foaming with rage. "Depend upon it, I will remember you! Your pride shall have a downfal! God damn it! is it come to this? Shall a rascal that farms his forty acres, pretend to beard the lord of the manor? I will tread you into paste! Let me advise you, scoundrel, to shut up your house and fly, as if the devil was behind you! You may think yourself happy, if I be not too quick for you yet, if you escape in a whole skin! I would not suffer such a villain to remain upon my land a day longer, if I could gain the Indies by it!"
"All right, buddy; all right!" Mr. Tyrrel replied, seething with anger. "You can count on it, I will remember you! Your arrogance is going to come crashing down! Damn it! Has it really come to this? Can a lowlife who farms his forty acres think he can stand up to the lord of the manor? I will crush you! Let me advise you, scoundrel, to pack up and run, as if the devil were chasing you! You should consider yourself lucky if I don't get to you first and you make it out unscathed! I wouldn't let such a villain stay on my land for another day, even if I could gain the riches of the Indies by doing it!"
"Not so fast, your honour," answered Hawkins, sturdily. "I hope you will think better of it, and see that I have not been to blame. But if you should not, there is some harm that you can do me, and some harm that you cannot. Though I am a plain, working man, your honour, do you see? yet I am a man still. No; I have got a lease of my farm, and I shall not quit it o' thaten. I hope there is some law for poor folk, as well as for rich."
"Hold on, Your Honor," Hawkins replied firmly. "I hope you'll reconsider and see that I haven't done anything wrong. But if you don't, there are some things you can do to hurt me and some things you can't. Even though I'm just a regular working man, I’m still a man, you know? No, I have a lease on my farm, and I won’t leave it just like that. I hope there’s some law to protect poor people, just like there is for the rich."
Mr. Tyrrel, unused to contradiction, was provoked beyond bearing at the courage and independent spirit of his retainer. There was not a tenant upon his estate, or at least not one of Hawkins's mediocrity of fortune, whom the general policy of landowners, and still more the arbitrary and uncontrollable temper of Mr. Tyrrel, did not effectually restrain from acts of open defiance.
Mr. Tyrrel, not used to being challenged, was infuriated by the bravery and independence of his servant. There wasn't a tenant on his estate, or at least none with Hawkins's average wealth, who the general practices of landowners, and even more so the unpredictable and uncontrollable temperament of Mr. Tyrrel, didn’t effectively keep from openly defying him.
"Excellent, upon my soul! God damn my blood! but you are a rare fellow. You have a lease, have you? You will not quit, not you! a pretty pass things are come to, if a lease can protect such fellows as you against the lord of a manor! But you are for a trial of skill? Oh, very well, friend, very well! With all my soul! Since it is come to that, we will show you some pretty sport before we have done! But get out of my sight, you rascal! I have not another word to say to you! Never darken my doors again."
"Awesome, I swear! Damn my blood! But you are something special. You have a lease, don't you? You won't back down, huh? It's ridiculous how things have come to this, if a lease can protect people like you from the lord of the manor! But you're up for a challenge? Oh, very well, my friend, very well! With all my heart! Since it’s come to this, we’ll give you some real entertainment before we’re done! But get out of my sight, you scoundrel! I have nothing else to say to you! Don't ever show your face here again."
Hawkins (to borrow the language of the world) was guilty in this affair of a double imprudence. He talked to his landlord in a more peremptory manner than the constitution and practices of this country allow a dependent to assume. But above all, having been thus hurried away by his resentment, he ought to have foreseen the consequences. It was mere madness in him to think of contesting with a man of Mr. Tyrrel's eminence and fortune. It was a fawn contending with a lion. Nothing could have been more easy to predict, than that it was of no avail for him to have right on his side, when his adversary had influence and wealth, and therefore could so victoriously justify any extravagancies that he might think proper to commit. This maxim was completely illustrated in the sequel. Wealth and despotism easily know how to engage those laws as the coadjutors of their oppression, which were perhaps at first intended [witless and miserable precaution!] for the safeguards of the poor.
Hawkins (to use the language of the world) was guilty in this situation of double foolishness. He spoke to his landlord in a more forceful way than the norms and practices of this country allow someone in a dependent position to do. But most importantly, having been carried away by his anger, he should have anticipated the fallout. It was pure madness for him to think he could challenge a man of Mr. Tyrrel's stature and wealth. It was like a fawn trying to fight a lion. It was easy to predict that having the moral high ground wouldn't matter when his opponent had power and money, allowing him to easily justify any outrageous actions he might take. This principle was clearly demonstrated later. Wealth and tyranny know how to manipulate the laws that were perhaps initially meant as feeble and unfortunate protections for the poor into tools of their oppression.
From this moment Mr. Tyrrel was bent upon Hawkins's destruction; and he left no means unemployed that could either harass or injure the object of his persecution. He deprived him of his appointment of bailiff, and directed Barnes and his other dependents to do him ill offices upon all occasions. Mr. Tyrrel, by the tenure of his manor, was impropriator of the great tithes, and this circumstance afforded him frequent opportunities of petty altercation. The land of one part of Hawkins's farm, though covered with corn, was lower than the rest; and consequently exposed to occasional inundations from a river by which it was bounded. Mr. Tyrrel had a dam belonging to this river privately cut, about a fortnight before the season of harvest, and laid the whole under water. He ordered his servants to pull away the fences of the higher ground during the night, and to turn in his cattle, to the utter destruction of the crop. These expedients, however, applied to only one part of the property of this unfortunate man. But Mr. Tyrrel did not stop here. A sudden mortality took place among Hawkins's live stock, attended with very suspicious circumstances. Hawkins's vigilance was strongly excited by this event, and he at length succeeded in tracing the matter so accurately, that he conceived he could bring it home to Mr. Tyrrel himself.
From that moment on, Mr. Tyrrel was determined to ruin Hawkins, and he used every method possible to harass or harm his target. He took away Hawkins's position as bailiff and instructed Barnes and his other followers to make his life difficult whenever they could. As the person responsible for the great tithes of his manor, Mr. Tyrrel had many chances to engage in petty disputes. One section of Hawkins's farm, despite being covered in crops, was lower than the rest and prone to flooding from the nearby river. About two weeks before harvest, Mr. Tyrrel secretly had a dam cut on that river, flooding the area completely. He instructed his workers to take down the fences of the higher ground at night and to let his cattle in, which completely destroyed the crop. However, these tactics only targeted part of this unfortunate man's property. But Mr. Tyrrel didn't stop there. A sudden death among Hawkins's livestock occurred under very suspicious circumstances. This event heightened Hawkins's alertness, and he eventually managed to investigate the situation so thoroughly that he believed he could directly link it to Mr. Tyrrel himself.
Hawkins had hitherto carefully avoided, notwithstanding the injuries he had suffered, the attempting to right himself by legal process; being of opinion that law was better adapted for a weapon of tyranny in the hands of the rich, than for a shield to protect the humbler part of the community against their usurpations. In this last instance however he conceived that the offence was so atrocious, as to make it impossible that any rank could protect the culprit against the severity of justice. In the sequel, he saw reason to applaud himself for his former inactivity in this respect, and to repent that any motive had been strong enough to persuade him into a contrary system.
Hawkins had so far carefully avoided, despite the injuries he had endured, trying to defend himself through legal means; he believed that the law was more suited as a tool of oppression in the hands of the wealthy than as a protection for the less privileged against their abuses. However, in this particular instance, he felt that the offense was so heinous that no social status could shield the wrongdoer from the harshness of justice. Later on, he found reason to commend himself for his previous inaction in this regard and to regret that any reason had been compelling enough to lead him to take the opposite approach.
This was the very point to which Mr. Tyrrel wanted to bring him, and he could scarcely credit his good fortune, when he was told that Hawkins had entered an action. His congratulation upon this occasion was immoderate, as he now conceived that the ruin of his late favourite was irretrievable. He consulted his attorney, and urged him by every motive he could devise, to employ the whole series of his subterfuges in the present affair. The direct repelling of the charge exhibited against him was the least part of his care; the business was, by affidavits, motions, pleas, demurrers, flaws, and appeals, to protract the question from term to term, and from court to court. It would, as Mr. Tyrrel argued, be the disgrace of a civilized country, if a gentleman, when insolently attacked in law by the scum of the earth, could not convert the cause into a question of the longest purse, and stick in the skirts of his adversary till he had reduced him to beggary.
This was exactly where Mr. Tyrrel wanted to take him, and he could hardly believe his luck when he heard that Hawkins had initiated legal action. His excitement about this was overwhelming, as he now believed that the downfall of his former favorite was unavoidable. He consulted his lawyer and urged him, using every reason he could think of, to use all his tricks in this matter. Defending against the charges was the least of his worries; the goal was to stretch the case out with affidavits, motions, pleas, demurrers, flaws, and appeals, dragging it from term to term and from court to court. As Mr. Tyrrel argued, it would be a disgrace for a civilized country if a gentleman, when aggressively sued by the lowest of society, couldn't turn the case into a battle of finances and keep his opponent tied up until he was broke.
Mr. Tyrrel, however, was by no means so far engrossed by his law-suit, as to neglect other methods of proceeding offensively against his tenant. Among the various expedients that suggested themselves, there was one, which, though it tended rather to torment than irreparably injure the sufferer, was not rejected. This was derived from the particular situation of Hawkins's house, barns, stacks, and outhouses. They were placed at the extremity of a slip of land connecting them with the rest of the farm, and were surrounded on three sides by fields, in the occupation of one of Mr. Tyrrel's tenants most devoted to the pleasures of his landlord. The road to the market-town ran at the bottom of the largest of these fields, and was directly in view of the front of the house. No inconvenience had yet arisen from that circumstance, as there had always been a broad path, that intersected this field, and led directly from Hawkins's house to the road. This path, or private road, was now, by concert of Mr. Tyrrel and his obliging tenant, shut up, so as to make Hawkins a sort of prisoner in his own domains, and oblige him to go near a mile about for the purposes of his traffic.
Mr. Tyrrel, however, wasn't so consumed by his lawsuit that he ignored other ways to go after his tenant. Among the various strategies he considered, there was one that, while it was more about tormenting than actually harming the victim, he didn't dismiss. This idea came from the specific location of Hawkins's house, barns, stacks, and outbuildings. They were situated at the far end of a strip of land connecting them to the rest of the farm and were surrounded on three sides by fields rented by one of Mr. Tyrrel's tenants, who was particularly eager to please his landlord. The road to the market town ran at the bottom of the largest of these fields and was clearly visible from the front of the house. Up until now, there hadn’t been any issues because there had always been a wide path that cut through this field, leading directly from Hawkins's house to the road. That path, or private road, was now blocked off by an arrangement between Mr. Tyrrel and his helpful tenant, effectively trapping Hawkins in his own property and forcing him to take a long detour of nearly a mile for his errands.
Young Hawkins, the lad who had been the original subject of dispute between his father and the squire, had much of his father's spirit, and felt an uncontrollable indignation against the successive acts of despotism of which he was a witness. His resentment was the greater, because the sufferings to which his parent was exposed, all of them flowed from affection to him, at the same time that he could not propose removing the ground of dispute, as by so doing he would seem to fly in the face of his father's paternal kindness. Upon the present occasion, without asking any counsel but of his own impatient resentment, he went in the middle of the night, and removed all the obstructions that had been placed in the way of the old path, broke the padlocks that had been fixed, and threw open the gates.
Young Hawkins, the boy who had been the original cause of conflict between his father and the squire, shared a lot of his father's spirit and felt an uncontrollable anger against the ongoing acts of tyranny he witnessed. His frustration was even greater because the hardships his father faced all came from his love for him, and he couldn't suggest removing the reason for the conflict, as that would seem like he was rejecting his father's affection. In this moment, without seeking any advice other than his own frustrated emotions, he went out in the middle of the night and removed all the obstacles that had been placed in the path, broke the padlocks that had been secured, and opened the gates.
In these operations he did not proceed unobserved, and the next day a warrant was issued for apprehending him. He was accordingly carried before a meeting of justices, and by them committed to the county gaol, to take his trial for the felony at the next assizes. Mr. Tyrrel was determined to prosecute the offence with the greatest severity; and his attorney, having made the proper enquiries for that purpose, undertook to bring it under that clause of the act 9 Geo. I. commonly called the Black Act, which declares that "any person, armed with a sword, or other offensive weapon, and having his face blackened, or being otherwise disguised, appearing in any warren or place where hares or conies have been or shall be usually kept, and being thereof duly convicted, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death, as in cases of felony, without benefit of clergy." Young Hawkins, it seemed, had buttoned the cape of his great coat over his face, as soon as he perceived himself to be observed, and he was furnished with a wrenching-iron for the purpose of breaking the padlocks. The attorney further undertook to prove, by sufficient witnesses, that the field in question was a warren in which hares were regularly fed. Mr. Tyrrel seized upon these pretences with inexpressible satisfaction. He prevailed upon the justices, by the picture he drew of the obstinacy and insolence of the Hawkinses, fully to commit the lad upon this miserable charge; and it was by no means so certain as paternal affection would have desired, that the same overpowering influence would not cause in the sequel the penal clause to be executed in all its strictness.
In these actions, he wasn't unnoticed, and the next day a warrant was issued for his arrest. He was then brought before a group of justices and was committed to the county jail to stand trial for the felony at the next court session. Mr. Tyrrel was determined to prosecute the crime to the fullest extent; and his lawyer, after making the necessary inquiries, took on the task of applying the clause from the act 9 Geo. I., commonly known as the Black Act, which states that "any person, armed with a sword or other offensive weapon, with their face blackened or otherwise disguised, appearing in any warren or place where hares or rabbits have been or will usually be kept, and being duly convicted thereof, shall be judged guilty of felony and shall suffer death, as in cases of felony, without benefit of clergy." It seemed that young Hawkins had buttoned the cape of his great coat over his face as soon as he realized he was being watched, and he was carrying a crowbar to break the padlocks. The lawyer further committed to proving, with enough witnesses, that the field in question was a warren where hares were regularly fed. Mr. Tyrrel seized upon these justifications with immense satisfaction. He convinced the justices, with the case he made about the stubbornness and arrogance of the Hawkins family, to fully commit the boy on this pathetic charge; and it was far from certain, as any loving father would hope, that such overwhelming influence wouldn’t later result in the harshest enforcement of the law.
This was the finishing stroke to Hawkins's miseries: as he was not deficient in courage, he had stood up against his other persecutions without flinching. He was not unaware of the advantages which our laws and customs give to the rich over the poor, in contentions of this kind. But, being once involved, there was a stubbornness in his nature that would not allow him to retract, and he suffered himself to hope, rather than expect, a favourable issue. But in this last event he was wounded in the point that was nearest his heart. He had feared to have his son contaminated and debased by a servile station, and he now saw him transferred to the seminary of a gaol. He was even uncertain as to the issue of his imprisonment, and trembled to think what the tyranny of wealth might effect to blast his hopes for ever.
This was the final blow to Hawkins's struggles: despite having courage, he had faced his other hardships without backing down. He understood the advantages that our laws and customs provide to the rich over the poor in disputes like this. However, once he was involved, his stubbornness wouldn’t let him back down, and he allowed himself to hope, rather than expect, a positive outcome. But in this latest situation, he was hurt in the area that mattered most to him. He had feared having his son tainted by a lower status, and now he saw him sent to a prison. He was even uncertain about the outcome of his son's imprisonment and feared what the power of wealth could do to ruin his hopes forever.
From this moment his heart died within him. He had trusted to persevering industry and skill, to save the wreck of his little property from the vulgar spite of his landlord. But he had now no longer any spirit to exert those efforts which his situation more than ever required. Mr. Tyrrel proceeded without remission in his machinations; Hawkins's affairs every day grew more desperate, and the squire, watching the occasion, took the earliest opportunity of seizing upon his remaining property in the mode of a distress for rent.
From that moment, he felt an emptiness inside. He had relied on hard work and skill to save what was left of his small property from his landlord's petty malice. But now, he had lost the motivation to put in the effort that his situation needed more than ever. Mr. Tyrrel continued his schemes without pause; Hawkins's situation became more hopeless each day, and the squire, waiting for the right moment, quickly seized his remaining property as a way to collect rent.
It was precisely in this stage of the affair, that Mr. Falkland and Mr. Tyrrel accidentally met, in a private road near the habitation of the latter. They were on horseback, and Mr. Falkland was going to the house of the unfortunate tenant, who seemed upon the point of perishing under his landlord's malice. He had been just made acquainted with the tale of this persecution. It had indeed been an additional aggravation of Hawkins's calamity, that Mr. Falkland, whose interference might otherwise have saved him, had been absent from the neighbourhood for a considerable time. He had been three months in London, and from thence had gone to visit his estates in another part of the island. The proud and self-confident spirit of this poor fellow always disposed him to depend, as long as possible, upon his own exertions. He had avoided applying to Mr. Falkland, or indeed indulging himself in any manner in communicating and bewailing his hard hap, in the beginning of the contention, and, when the extremity grew more urgent, and he would have been willing to recede in some degree from the stubbornness of his measures, he found it no longer in his power. After an absence of considerable duration, Mr. Falkland at length returned somewhat unexpectedly; and having learned, among the first articles of country intelligence, the distresses of this unfortunate yeoman, he resolved to ride over to his house the next morning, and surprise him with all the relief it was in his power to bestow.
It was at this point in the situation that Mr. Falkland and Mr. Tyrrel ran into each other by chance on a private road near Mr. Tyrrel’s home. They were on horseback, and Mr. Falkland was heading to the house of the unfortunate tenant, who seemed ready to suffer due to his landlord's cruelty. He had just learned about the story of this ongoing persecution. It was particularly frustrating for Hawkins that Mr. Falkland, whose involvement could have helped him, had been away from the area for a long time. He had spent three months in London and then gone to check on his properties on another part of the island. This proud and self-assured man always tended to rely on his own efforts for as long as possible. He had avoided reaching out to Mr. Falkland or even allowing himself to express or lament his misfortune at the start of his troubles. When things became more desperate and he would have liked to compromise a little on his stubborn approach, he found he could no longer do so. After being away for quite some time, Mr. Falkland returned somewhat unexpectedly, and having learned, among the first pieces of local news, about the struggles of this unfortunate farmer, he decided to ride to his house the next morning to surprise him with all the help he could provide.
At sight of Mr. Tyrrel in this unexpected rencounter, his face reddened with indignation. His first feeling, as he afterwards said, was to avoid him; but finding that he must pass him, he conceived that it would be want of spirit not to acquaint him with his feelings on the present occasion.
Upon seeing Mr. Tyrrel in this unexpected encounter, his face flushed with anger. His first instinct, as he later mentioned, was to steer clear of him; but realizing he had to walk past him, he decided it would be cowardly not to share his feelings about the situation.
"Mr. Tyrrel," said he, somewhat abruptly, "I am sorry for a piece of news which I have just heard."
"Mr. Tyrrel," he said, a bit abruptly, "I'm sorry to share some news I just heard."
"And pray, sir, what is your sorrow to me?"
"And please, sir, what is your sadness to me?"
"A great deal, sir: it is caused by the distresses of a poor tenant of yours, Hawkins. If your steward have proceeded without your authority, I think it right to inform you what he has done; and, if he have had your authority, I would gladly persuade you to think better of it."
"A lot, sir: it's caused by the troubles of one of your poor tenants, Hawkins. If your steward acted without your permission, I think it's important to let you know what he's done; and if he had your permission, I would really like to convince you to reconsider it."
"Mr. Falkland, it would be quite as well if you would mind your own business, and leave me to mind mine. I want no monitor, and I will have none."
"Mr. Falkland, it would be better if you mind your own business and let me handle mine. I don't need a supervisor, and I won't have one."
"You mistake, Mr. Tyrrel; I am minding my own business. If I see you fall into a pit, it is my business to draw you out and save your life. If I see you pursuing a wrong mode of conduct, it is my business to set you right and save your honour."
"You’re mistaken, Mr. Tyrrel; I'm just taking care of my own affairs. If I see you fall into a pit, it's my responsibility to pull you out and save your life. If I notice you heading down the wrong path, it's my duty to correct you and protect your honor."
"Zounds, sir, do not think to put your conundrums upon me! Is not the man my tenant? Is not my estate my own? What signifies calling it mine, if I am not to have the direction of it? Sir, I pay for what I have: I owe no man a penny; and I will not put my estate to nurse to you, nor the best he that wears a head."
"Wow, sir, don’t think you can throw your puzzles at me! Isn’t the man my tenant? Isn’t my property mine? What good is calling it mine if I can’t control it? Sir, I pay for what I have: I don’t owe anyone a penny; and I won’t let you take care of my property, nor anyone else for that matter."
"It is very true," said Mr. Falkland, avoiding any direct notice of the last words of Mr. Tyrrel, "that there is a distinction of ranks. I believe that distinction is a good thing, and necessary to the peace of mankind. But, however necessary it may be, we must acknowledge that it puts some hardship upon the lower orders of society. It makes one's heart ache to think, that one man is born to the inheritance of every superfluity, while the whole share of another, without any demerit of his, is drudgery and starving; and that all this is indispensable. We that are rich, Mr. Tyrrel, must do every thing in our power to lighten the yoke of these unfortunate people. We must not use the advantage that accident has given us with an unmerciful hand. Poor wretches! they are pressed almost beyond bearing as it is; and, if we unfeelingly give another turn to the machine, they will be crushed into atoms."
"It's true," Mr. Falkland said, deliberately not addressing Mr. Tyrrel's last comments, "that there are different social ranks. I think this distinction is important and necessary for society's peace. However necessary it is, we have to recognize that it creates real hardship for the lower classes. It hurts to realize that one person is born into wealth while another has to endure hard labor and starvation through no fault of their own, and that this is somehow unavoidable. We, who are fortunate, Mr. Tyrrel, must do everything we can to ease the burden of these unfortunate individuals. We shouldn't exploit the advantages that chance has given us mercilessly. Poor souls! They're already under immense pressure as it is, and if we coldly add more, they'll be crushed completely."
This picture was not without its effect, even upon the obdurate mind of Mr. Tyrrel.—"Well, sir, I am no tyrant. I know very well that tyranny is a bad thing. But you do not infer from thence that these people are to do as they please, and never meet with their deserts?"
This picture had an impact, even on Mr. Tyrrel's stubborn mind. "Well, sir, I'm not a tyrant. I know that tyranny is a terrible thing. But don’t assume that means these people can do whatever they want without facing consequences."
"Mr. Tyrrel, I see that you are shaken in your animosity. Suffer me to hail the new-born benevolence of your nature. Go with me to Hawkins. Do not let us talk of his deserts! Poor fellow! he has suffered almost all that human nature can endure. Let your forgiveness upon this occasion be the earnest of good neighbourhood and friendship between you and me."
"Mr. Tyrrel, I can see that you're starting to soften in your hostility. Allow me to acknowledge the new kindness in your heart. Come with me to Hawkins. Let's not discuss his mistakes! The poor guy has endured nearly everything that a person can bear. Let your forgiveness this time be the beginning of good neighborliness and friendship between you and me."
"No, sir, I will not go. I own there is something in what you say. I always knew you had the wit to make good your own story, and tell a plausible tale. But I will not be come over thus. It has been my character, when I had once conceived a scheme of vengeance, never to forego it; and I will not change that character. I took up Hawkins when every body forsook him, and made a man of him; and the ungrateful rascal has only insulted me for my pains. Curse me, if I ever forgive him! It would be a good jest indeed, if I were to forgive the insolence of my own creature at the desire of a man like you that has been my perpetual plague."
"No, sir, I’m not going to do it. I admit there’s some truth in what you’re saying. I always knew you were clever enough to spin a convincing story. But I won’t be swayed like this. Once I set my mind on a plan for revenge, I never back down, and I’m not about to change that. I stood by Hawkins when everyone else abandoned him and made him who he is, and the ungrateful jerk has only repaid me with insults. I swear, I’ll never forgive him! It would be quite a joke if I were to forgive the disrespect of my own creation just because you asked me, a man who’s been a constant annoyance in my life."
"For God's sake, Mr. Tyrrel, have some reason in your resentment! Let us suppose that Hawkins has behaved unjustifiably, and insulted you: is that an offence that never can be expiated? Must the father be ruined, and the son hanged, to glut your resentment?"
"For heaven's sake, Mr. Tyrrel, think rationally about your anger! Let’s assume that Hawkins has acted wrongfully and insulted you: is that a crime that can never be forgiven? Does the father have to be destroyed, and the son executed, just to satisfy your anger?"
"Damn me, sir, but you may talk your heart out; you shall get nothing of me. I shall never forgive myself for having listened to you for a moment. I will suffer nobody to stop the stream of my resentment; if I ever were to forgive him, it should be at nobody's, entreaty but my own. But, sir, I never will. If he and all his family were at my feet, I would order them all to be hanged the next minute, if my power were as good as my will."
"Damn it, sir, you can talk all you want; you won’t get anything from me. I’ll never forgive myself for listening to you even for a second. I won’t let anyone stop the flow of my anger; if I ever did forgive him, it would only be at my own request, not anyone else’s. But, sir, I never will. If he and his entire family were at my feet, I would order them all to be hanged the next minute, if my power matched my will."
"And this is your decision, is it? Mr. Tyrrel, I am ashamed of you! Almighty God! to hear you talk gives one a loathing for the institutions and regulations of society, and would induce one to fly the very face of man! But, no! society casts you out; man abominates you. No wealth, no rank, can buy out your stain. You will live deserted in the midst of your species; you will go into crowded societies, and no one will deign so much as to salute you. They will fly from your glance as they would from the gaze of a basilisk. Where do you expect to find the hearts of flint that shall sympathise with yours? You have the stamp of misery, incessant, undivided, unpitied misery!"
"And this is your choice, is it? Mr. Tyrrel, I’m ashamed of you! Oh my God! Listening to you makes one feel disgusted with the institutions and rules of society, and might even make someone want to escape humanity entirely! But, no! Society rejects you; people despise you. No amount of money, no status, can erase your shame. You will live alone among your own kind; you will enter crowded places, and no one will bother to greet you. They will avoid your gaze as if you were a monster. Where do you think you’ll find the cold-hearted who will sympathize with you? You wear the mark of misery, endless, unshared, unfeeling misery!"
Thus saying, Mr. Falkland gave spurs to his horse, rudely pushed beside Mr. Tyrrel, and was presently out of sight. Flaming indignation annihilated even his favourite sense of honour, and he regarded his neighbour as a wretch, with whom it was impossible even to enter into contention. For the latter, he remained for the present motionless and petrified. The glowing enthusiasm of Mr. Falkland was such as might well have unnerved the stoutest foe. Mr. Tyrrel, in spite of himself, was blasted with the compunctions of guilt, and unable to string himself for the contest. The picture Mr. Falkland had drawn was prophetic. It described what Mr. Tyrrel chiefly feared; and what in its commencements he thought he already felt. It was responsive to the whispering of his own meditations; it simply gave body and voice to the spectre that haunted him, and to the terrors of which he was an hourly prey.
With that, Mr. Falkland kicked his horse into a gallop, brushed past Mr. Tyrrel, and soon disappeared from sight. His intense anger completely overshadowed even his cherished sense of honor, and he saw his neighbor as a miserable person, someone he couldn't even argue with. As for Mr. Tyrrel, he stood frozen and stunned. The fiery passion of Mr. Falkland was enough to unnerve even the toughest opponent. Despite his best efforts, Mr. Tyrrel felt overwhelmed with guilt and couldn’t prepare himself for a fight. The picture Mr. Falkland painted was prophetic. It captured what Mr. Tyrrel feared most; it resonated with thoughts he realized he was already grappling with. It gave shape and voice to the nightmare that tormented him and the fears that preyed on him continuously.
By and by, however, he recovered. The more he had been temporarily confounded, the fiercer was his resentment when he came to himself. Such hatred never existed in a human bosom without marking its progress with violence and death. Mr. Tyrrel, however, felt no inclination to have recourse to personal defiance. He was the furthest in the world from a coward; but his genius sunk before the genius of Falkland. He left his vengeance to the disposal of circumstances. He was secure that his animosity would never be forgotten nor diminished by the interposition of any time or events. Vengeance was his nightly dream, and the uppermost of his waking thoughts.
Eventually, though, he bounced back. The longer he had been thrown off balance, the more intense his anger became once he regained his composure. Such deep hatred never exists in a person without eventually leading to violence and death. However, Mr. Tyrrel didn’t feel the urge to resort to personal confrontation. He was far from being a coward; still, he felt overshadowed by Falkland’s brilliance. He decided to let circumstances dictate his revenge. He was sure that his hatred would never be forgotten or lessened by the passing of time or any events. Revenge was his nightly fantasy and the main focus of his thoughts during the day.
Mr. Falkland had departed from this conference with a confirmed disapprobation of the conduct of his neighbour, and an unalterable resolution to do every thing in his power to relieve the distresses of Hawkins. But he was too late. When he arrived, he found the house already evacuated by its master. The family was removed nobody knew whither; Hawkins had absconded, and, what was still more extraordinary, the boy Hawkins had escaped on the very same day from the county gaol. The enquiries Mr. Falkland set on foot after them were fruitless; no traces could be found of the catastrophe of these unhappy people. That catastrophe I shall shortly have occasion to relate, and it will be found pregnant with horror, beyond what the blackest misanthropy could readily have suggested.
Mr. Falkland left the meeting with a strong disapproval of his neighbor's actions and a firm determination to do everything he could to help Hawkins. But he was too late. When he arrived, he discovered that the house had already been abandoned by its owner. The family had moved away, and no one knew where; Hawkins had vanished, and even more surprisingly, the boy Hawkins had escaped from the county jail on the very same day. The inquiries Mr. Falkland initiated to find them were fruitless; no traces of the fate of these unfortunate people could be found. That fate will soon be revealed, and it will be more horrifying than even the darkest cynicism could have imagined.
I go on with my tale. I go on to relate those incidents in which my own fate was so mysteriously involved. I lift the curtain, and bring forward the last act of the tragedy.
I continue with my story. I proceed to share those events where my own fate was so mysteriously tied in. I lift the curtain and present the final act of the tragedy.
CHAPTER X.
It may easily be supposed, that the ill temper cherished by Mr. Tyrrel in his contention with Hawkins, and the increasing animosity between him and Mr. Falkland, added to the impatience with which he thought of the escape of Emily.
It can be easily assumed that Mr. Tyrrel's bad mood during his argument with Hawkins, along with the growing hostility between him and Mr. Falkland, contributed to his impatience as he thought about Emily's escape.
Mr. Tyrrel heard with astonishment of the miscarriage of an expedient, of the success of which he had not previously entertained the slightest suspicion. He became frantic with vexation. Grimes had not dared to signify the event of his expedition in person, and the footman whom he desired to announce to his master that Miss Melville was lost, the moment after fled from his presence with the most dreadful apprehensions. Presently he bellowed for Grimes, and the young man at last appeared before him, more dead than alive. Grimes he compelled to repeat the particulars of the tale; which he had no sooner done, than he once again slunk away, shocked at the execrations with which Mr. Tyrrel overwhelmed him. Grimes was no coward; but he reverenced the inborn divinity that attends upon rank, as Indians worship the devil. Nor was this all. The rage of Mr. Tyrrel was so ungovernable and fierce, that few hearts could have been found so stout, as not to have trembled before it with a sort of unconquerable inferiority.
Mr. Tyrrel heard with shock about the failure of a plan he hadn't even suspected would go wrong. He became furious. Grimes hadn’t dared to deliver the news of his mission in person, and the footman he sent to tell his master that Miss Melville was lost quickly ran away, terrified. Soon, he shouted for Grimes, who finally showed up, looking more dead than alive. Mr. Tyrrel forced Grimes to repeat the details of the story; the moment he finished, he slunk away again, shaken by the curses Mr. Tyrrel hurled at him. Grimes wasn’t a coward, but he respected the natural authority that comes with rank, much like how Indians might fear a devil. That wasn’t all. Mr. Tyrrel's rage was so uncontrollable and intense that few people would have had the courage not to tremble before it, feeling an overwhelming sense of inferiority.
He no sooner obtained a moment's pause than he began to recall to his tempestuous mind the various circumstances of the case. His complaints were bitter; and, in a tranquil observer, might have produced the united feeling of pity for his sufferings, and horror at his depravity. He recollected all the precautions he had used; he could scarcely find a flaw in the process; and he cursed that blind and malicious power which delighted to cross his most deep-laid schemes. "Of this malice he was beyond all other human beings the object. He was mocked with the shadow of power; and when he lifted his hand to smite, it was struck with sudden palsy. [In the bitterness of his anguish, he forgot his recent triumph over Hawkins, or perhaps he regarded it less as a triumph, than an overthrow, because it had failed of coming up to the extent of his malice.] To what purpose had Heaven given him a feeling of injury, and an instinct to resent, while he could in no case make his resentment felt! It was only necessary for him to be the enemy of any person, to insure that person's being safe against the reach of misfortune. What insults, the most shocking and repeated, had he received from this paltry girl! And by whom was she now torn from his indignation? By that devil that haunted him at every moment, that crossed him at every step, that fixed at pleasure his arrows in his heart, and made mows and mockery at his insufferable tortures."
He barely had a moment to breathe before he started to remember all the chaotic details of his situation. His complaints were painful, and if someone had been watching calmly, they might have felt both pity for his suffering and horror at his wickedness. He recalled all the precautions he had taken; he could hardly find any flaws in his plan; and he cursed that blind and malicious force that seemed to revel in disrupting his most carefully laid schemes. "He was, more than anyone else, the target of this malice. He was teased with the illusion of power; and when he tried to strike back, his hand was suddenly paralyzed. In his deep anguish, he forgot about his recent win over Hawkins, or maybe he saw it less as a win and more as a defeat because it didn’t satisfy his desire for revenge. What was the point of Heaven giving him a sense of injury and a drive to retaliate if he could never make his anger felt? It seemed that all he had to do was become an enemy to someone, and that person would be safe from any misfortune. What shocking and repeated insults had he endured from this insignificant girl! And who was it that pulled her away from his rage? That devil that tormented him constantly, that thwarted him at every turn, that skillfully sank arrows into his heart at will, only to laugh at his unbearable suffering."
There was one other reflection that increased his anguish, and made him careless and desperate as to his future conduct. It was in vain to conceal from himself that his reputation would be cruelly wounded by this event. He had imagined that, while Emily was forced into this odious marriage, she would be obliged by decorum, as soon as the event was decided, to draw a veil over the compulsion she had suffered. But this security was now lost, and Mr. Falkland would take a pride in publishing his dishonour. Though the provocations he had received from Miss Melville would, in his own opinion, have justified him in any treatment he should have thought proper to inflict, he was sensible the world would see the matter in a different light. This reflection augmented the violence of his resolutions, and determined him to refuse no means by which he could transfer the anguish that now preyed upon his own mind to that of another.
There was one more thought that deepened his misery and made him careless and desperate about how he would act in the future. It was pointless to pretend that his reputation wouldn’t be severely damaged by this situation. He had thought that, even though Emily was forced into this awful marriage, she, out of decency, would feel compelled to hide the pressure she had endured as soon as it happened. But that safety was gone now, and Mr. Falkland would take pride in revealing his disgrace. Even though he believed the way Miss Melville had treated him justified any response he might choose to give, he knew that others would see it differently. This realization intensified his feelings and motivated him to explore every possible way to shift the pain that was consuming him onto someone else.
Meanwhile, the composure and magnanimity of Emily had considerably subsided, the moment she believed herself in a place of safety. While danger and injustice assailed her with their menaces, she found in herself a courage that disdained to yield. The succeeding appearance of calm was more fatal to her. There was nothing now, powerfully to foster her courage or excite her energy. She looked back at the trials she had passed, and her soul sickened at the recollection of that, which, while it was in act, she had had the fortitude to endure. Till the period at which Mr. Tyrrel had been inspired with this cruel antipathy, she had been in all instances a stranger to anxiety and fear. Uninured to misfortune, she had suddenly and without preparation been made the subject of the most infernal malignity. When a man of robust and vigorous constitution has a fit of sickness, it produces a more powerful effect, than the same indisposition upon a delicate valetudinarian. Such was the case with Miss Melville. She passed the succeeding night sleepless and uneasy, and was found in the morning with a high fever. Her distemper resisted for the present all attempts to assuage it, though there was reason to hope that the goodness of her constitution, assisted by tranquillity and the kindness of those about her, would ultimately surmount it. On the second day she was delirious. On the night of that day she was arrested at the suit of Mr. Tyrrel, for a debt contracted for board and necessaries for the last fourteen years.
Meanwhile, Emily's calmness and generosity had significantly faded the moment she thought she was safe. While danger and injustice threatened her, she found an inner strength that refused to give in. The subsequent calm was more damaging to her. There was nothing now to boost her courage or energize her. She reflected on the hardships she had endured, and her spirit soured at the memory of what she had managed to withstand while it was happening. Until Mr. Tyrrel developed this cruel hatred, she had never known anxiety or fear. Not accustomed to misfortune, she had been suddenly thrust into the depths of maliciousness without warning. Just like a strong, healthy person suffers more from an illness than someone already weak, Miss Melville felt the impact just as deeply. She spent the next night tossing and turning, uneasy, and was found the next morning with a high fever. Her illness resisted all efforts to relieve it for now, though there was hope that her strong constitution, along with calmness and the support of those around her, would eventually help her overcome it. By the second day, she was delirious. That night, she was arrested by Mr. Tyrrel for a debt owed for board and necessities over the past fourteen years.
The idea of this arrest, as the reader will perhaps recollect, first occurred, in the conversation between Mr. Tyrrel and Miss Melville, soon after he had thought proper to confine her to her chamber. But at that time he had probably no serious conception of ever being induced to carry it into execution. It had merely been mentioned by way of threat, and as the suggestion of a mind, whose habits had long been accustomed to contemplate every possible instrument of tyranny and revenge. But now, that the unlooked-for rescue and escape of his poor kinswoman had wrought up his thoughts to a degree of insanity, and that he revolved in the gloomy recesses of his mind, how he might best shake off the load of disappointment which oppressed him, the idea recurred with double force. He was not long in forming his resolution; and, calling for Barnes his steward, immediately gave him directions in what manner to proceed.
The idea of this arrest, as the reader might remember, first came up in the conversation between Mr. Tyrrel and Miss Melville, shortly after he decided to confine her to her room. But at that time, he probably didn’t seriously consider actually going through with it. It was just mentioned as a threat and as a suggestion from a mind that had long been used to thinking about every possible means of oppression and revenge. But now, after the unexpected rescue and escape of his poor relative had driven him to a point of madness, and as he mulled over in the dark corners of his mind how to shake off the weight of disappointment that burdened him, the idea came back even stronger. He didn’t take long to reach his decision; calling for Barnes, his steward, he immediately gave him instructions on how to proceed.
Barnes had been for several years the instrument of Mr. Tyrrel's injustice. His mind was hardened by use, and he could, without remorse, officiate as the spectator, or even as the author and director, of a scene of vulgar distress. But even he was somewhat startled upon the present occasion. The character and conduct of Emily in Mr. Tyrrel's family had been without a blot. She had not a single enemy; and it was impossible to contemplate her youth, her vivacity, and her guileless innocence, without emotions of sympathy and compassion.
Barnes had been carrying out Mr. Tyrrel's injustices for several years. His mind had become hard over time, and he could, without any feelings of guilt, act as a bystander, or even as the creator and controller, of a scene of ordinary suffering. But even he was a bit taken aback this time. Emily's character and behavior in Mr. Tyrrel's household had been flawless. She had no enemies, and it was impossible to look at her youth, her liveliness, and her genuine innocence without feeling sympathy and compassion.
"Your worship?—I do not understand you!--Arrest Miss—Miss Emily!"
"Your honor?—I don’t get what you mean!—Arrest Miss—Miss Emily!"
"Yes,—I tell you!--What is the matter with you?—Go instantly to Swineard, the lawyer, and bid him finish the business out of hand!"
"Yes—I’m telling you! What’s wrong with you? Go right now to Swineard, the lawyer, and tell him to wrap up the business immediately!"
"Lord love your honour! Arrest her! Why she does not owe you a brass farthing: she always lived upon your charity!"
"God bless you! Arrest her! She doesn’t owe you a dime; she has always depended on your generosity!"
"Ass! Scoundrel! I tell you she does owe me,—owes me eleven hundred pounds.—The law justifies it.—What do you think laws were made for? I do nothing but right, and right I will have."
"Ass! Scoundrel! I tell you she owes me—owes me eleven hundred pounds. The law supports it. What do you think laws are for? I do nothing but what's right, and I will get what's right."
"Your honour, I never questioned your orders in my life; but I must now. I cannot see you ruin Miss Emily, poor girl! nay, and yourself too, for the matter of that, and not say which way you are going. I hope you will bear with me. Why, if she owed you ever so much, she cannot be arrested. She is not of age."
"Your honor, I've never questioned your orders, but I have to now. I can't just stand by and watch you ruin Miss Emily, poor girl! And yourself, for that matter, without saying anything about where this is headed. I hope you'll understand. Even if she owed you a lot of money, she can't be arrested. She's not even of age."
"Will you have done?—Do not tell me of—It cannot, and It can. It has been done before,—and it shall be done again. Let him dispute it that dares! I will do it now and stand to it afterwards. Tell Swineard,—if he make the least boggling, it is as much as his life is worth;—he shall starve by inches."
"Will you be finished?—Don't tell me it can't be done—it can. It's been done before—and it will be done again. Let anyone who dares challenge that! I’ll do it now and deal with the consequences later. Tell Swineard—if he hesitates even a little, it could cost him his life—he'll waste away."
"Pray, your honour, think better of it. Upon my life, the whole country will cry shame of it."
"Please, Your Honor, think this over. Honestly, the entire country will be ashamed of it."
"Barnes!--What do you mean? I am not used to be talked to, and I cannot hear it! You have been a good fellow to me upon many occasions—But, if I find you out for making one with them that dispute my authority, damn my soul, if I do not make you sick of your life!"
"Barnes! What are you talking about? I'm not used to being spoken to like that, and I can't stand it! You've been a good friend to me on many occasions—but if I catch you teaming up with those who challenge my authority, I swear I'll make you regret it!"
"I have done, your honour. I will not say another word except this,—I have heard as how that Miss Emily is sick a-bed. You are determined, you say, to put her in jail. You do not mean to kill her, I take it."
"I’m done, your honor. I won’t say anything else except this—I’ve heard that Miss Emily is sick in bed. You’re determined, you say, to put her in jail. You don’t intend to kill her, right?"
"Let her die! I will not spare her for an hour—I will not always be insulted. She had no consideration for me, and I have no mercy for her.—I am in for it! They have provoked me past bearing,—and they shall feel me! Tell Swineard, in bed or up, day or night, I will not hear of an instant's delay."
"Let her die! I won’t give her a break for even an hour—I won’t keep taking these insults. She didn’t care about me, and I won’t show any mercy to her. I’m fed up! They’ve pushed me to my limit—and they’re going to feel it! Tell Swineard, whether he’s in bed or up, day or night, I won’t tolerate even a second’s delay."
Such were the directions of Mr. Tyrrel, and in strict conformity to his directions were the proceedings of that respectable limb of the law he employed upon the present occasion. Miss Melville had been delirious, through a considerable part of the day on the evening of which the bailiff and his follower arrived. By the direction of the physician whom Mr. Falkland had ordered to attend her, a composing draught was administered; and, exhausted as she was by the wild and distracted images that for several hours had haunted her fancy, she was now sunk into a refreshing slumber. Mrs. Hammond, the sister of Mrs. Jakeman, was sitting by her bed-side, full of compassion for the lovely sufferer, and rejoicing in the calm tranquillity that had just taken possession of her, when a little girl, the only child of Mrs. Hammond, opened the street-door to the rap of the bailiff He said he wanted to speak with Miss Melville, and the child answered that she would go tell her mother. So saying, she advanced to the door of the back-room upon the ground-floor, in which Emily lay; but the moment it was opened, instead of waiting for the appearance of the mother, the bailiff entered along with the girl.
These were Mr. Tyrrel's instructions, and the actions of the lawman he hired followed them closely. Miss Melville had been delirious for a good part of the day on the evening that the bailiff and his associate showed up. By the directions of the doctor Mr. Falkland had called to take care of her, she was given a calming medicine; exhausted from the chaotic and disturbing thoughts that had haunted her for hours, she had now slipped into a refreshing sleep. Mrs. Hammond, the sister of Mrs. Jakeman, sat by her bedside, filled with compassion for the beautiful sufferer and relieved by the peacefulness that had just settled over her, when her little girl, the only child of Mrs. Hammond, opened the front door to the bailiff's knock. He said he needed to speak to Miss Melville, and the child replied that she would go get her mother. With that, she walked toward the door of the back room on the ground floor where Emily was lying; but the moment the door opened, instead of waiting for the mother to come out, the bailiff stepped inside with the girl.
Mrs. Hammond looked up. "Who are you?" said she. "Why do you come in here? Hush! be quiet!'
Mrs. Hammond looked up. "Who are you?" she asked. "Why are you coming in here? Hush! Be quiet!"
"I must speak with Miss Melville."
"I need to talk to Miss Melville."
"Indeed, but you must not. Tell me your business. The poor child has been light-headed all day. She has just fallen asleep, and must not be disturbed."
"Sure, but you shouldn’t. Tell me why you’re here. The poor girl has been a little out of sorts all day. She just fell asleep and shouldn’t be disturbed."
"That is no business of mine. I must obey orders."
"That's not my concern. I have to follow orders."
"Orders? Whose orders? What is it you mean?"
"Orders? Whose orders? What do you mean?"
At this moment Emily opened her eyes. "What noise is that? Pray let me be quiet."
At that moment, Emily opened her eyes. "What’s that noise? Please, just let me be quiet."
"Miss, I want to speak with you. I have got a writ against you for eleven hundred pounds at the suit of squire Tyrrel."
"Miss, I need to talk to you. I have a legal document against you for eleven hundred pounds on behalf of Squire Tyrrel."
At these words both Mrs. Hammond and Emily were dumb. The latter was scarcely able to annex any meaning to the intelligence; and, though Mrs. Hammond was somewhat better acquainted with the sort of language that was employed, yet in this strange and unexpected connection it was almost as mysterious to her as to poor Emily herself.
At these words, both Mrs. Hammond and Emily were speechless. Emily could hardly make sense of the information, and even though Mrs. Hammond was a bit more familiar with the type of language being used, in this strange and unexpected context, it was almost as mysterious to her as it was to poor Emily.
"A writ? How can she be in Mr. Tyrrel's debt? A writ against a child!"
"A legal notice? How can she owe Mr. Tyrrel money? A legal notice against a child!"
"It is no signification putting your questions to us. We only do as we are directed. There is our authority. Look at it."
"It's pointless to ask us questions. We just follow instructions. That's our authority. Take a look at it."
"Lord Almighty!" exclaimed Mrs. Hammond, "what does this mean? It is impossible Mr. Tyrrel should have sent you."
"Goodness gracious!" Mrs. Hammond exclaimed, "what does this mean? There's no way Mr. Tyrrel would have sent you."
"Good woman, none of your jabber to us! Cannot you read?"
"Good woman, stop your chatter! Can’t you read?"
"This is all a trick! The paper is forged! It is a vile contrivance to get the poor orphan out of the hands of those with whom only she can be safe. Proceed upon it at your peril!"
"This is all a scam! The document is fake! It's a terrible plot to take the poor orphan away from the only people who can protect her. Go ahead with it at your own risk!"
"Rest you content; that is exactly what we mean to do. Take my word, we know very well what we are about."
"Relax, that’s exactly what we plan to do. Trust me, we know what we’re doing."
"Why, you would not tear her from her bed? I tell you, she is in a high fever; she is light-headed; it would be death to remove her! You are bailiffs, are not you? You are not murderers?"
"Why would you take her from her bed? I'm telling you, she has a high fever; she's delirious; moving her could be fatal! You're bailiffs, right? You're not murderers, are you?"
"The law says nothing about that. We have orders to take her sick or well. We will do her no harm except so far as we must perform our office, be it how it will."
"The law doesn't mention that at all. We have orders to take her whether she’s sick or well. We won't hurt her unless it's necessary to do our job, no matter what that means."
"Where would you take her? What is it you mean to do?"
"Where are you planning to take her? What do you intend to do?"
"To the county jail. Bullock, go, order a post-chaise from the Griffin!"
"To the county jail. Bullock, go and get a carriage from the Griffin!"
"Stay, I say! Give no such orders! Wait only three hours; I will send off a messenger express to squire Falkland, and I am sure he will satisfy you as to any harm that can come to you, without its being necessary to take the poor child to jail."
"Wait, I insist! Don't give those orders! Just wait three hours; I’ll send a messenger to Squire Falkland right away, and I’m sure he’ll reassure you about any risks involved without having to send the poor child to jail."
"We have particular directions against that. We are not at liberty to lose a minute. Why are not you gone? Order the horses to be put to immediately!"
"We have specific instructions against that. We can't afford to waste a minute. Why aren’t you gone yet? Get the horses ready right away!"
Emily had listened to the course of this conversation, which had sufficiently explained to her whatever was enigmatical in the first appearance of the bailiffs. The painful and incredible reality that was thus presented effectually dissipated the illusions of frenzy to which she had just been a prey. "My dear Madam," said she to Mrs. Hammond, "do not harass yourself with useless efforts. I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you. But my misfortune is inevitable. Sir, if you will step into the next room, I will dress myself, and attend you immediately."
Emily had followed the conversation closely, which had cleared up any confusion she had about the bailiffs' sudden appearance. The painful and unbelievable reality she was faced with shattered the frenzy she had just experienced. "My dear Madam," she said to Mrs. Hammond, "please don’t stress yourself with futile efforts. I truly regret all the trouble I’ve caused you. But my misfortune is unavoidable. Sir, if you could please step into the next room, I’ll get dressed and join you right away."
Mrs. Hammond began to be equally aware that her struggles were to no purpose; but she could not be equally patient. At one moment she raved upon the brutality of Mr. Tyrrel, whom she affirmed to be a devil incarnate, and not a man. At another she expostulated, with bitter invective, against the hardheartedness of the bailiff, and exhorted him to mix some humanity and moderation with the discharge of his function; but he was impenetrable to all she could urge. In the mean while Emily yielded with the sweetest resignation to an inevitable evil. Mrs. Hammond insisted that, at least, they should permit her to attend her young lady in the chaise; and the bailiff, though the orders he had received were so peremptory that he dared not exercise his discretion as to the execution of the writ, began to have some apprehensions of danger, and was willing to admit of any precaution that was not in direct hostility to his functions. For the rest he understood, that it was in all cases dangerous to allow sickness, or apparent unfitness for removal, as a sufficient cause to interrupt a direct process; and that, accordingly, in all doubtful questions and presumptive murders, the practice of the law inclined, with a laudable partiality, to the vindication of its own officers. In addition to these general rules, he was influenced by the positive injunctions and assurances of Swineard, and the terror which, through a circle of many miles, was annexed to the name of Tyrrel. Before they departed, Mrs. Hammond despatched a messenger with a letter of three lines to Mr. Falkland, informing him of this extraordinary event. Mr. Falkland was from home when the messenger arrived, and not expected to return till the second day; accident seemed in this instance to favour the vengeance of Mr. Tyrrel, for he had himself been too much under the dominion of an uncontrollable fury, to take a circumstance of this sort into his estimate.
Mrs. Hammond started to realize that her efforts were pointless, but she couldn’t stay calm about it. One moment she was furious about Mr. Tyrrel’s cruelty, claiming he was a devil in human form, not a person. The next moment, she angrily criticized the bailiff for being cold-hearted and urged him to show some compassion and moderation in his duties; however, he remained unaffected by her pleas. Meanwhile, Emily accepted the unavoidable situation with grace and patience. Mrs. Hammond insisted that they at least allow her to accompany her young lady in the carriage; the bailiff, despite receiving strict orders that left him with no leeway in executing the writ, began to feel some sense of danger and was open to any precautions that didn’t directly conflict with his responsibilities. He understood that it was generally risky to let illness or visible unfitness for relocation disrupt an official process, and that in uncertain situations, the law tended to favor its own officers. Additionally, he was swayed by the specific commands and threats from Swineard, and by the fear that Tyrrel's name inspired across several miles. Before they left, Mrs. Hammond sent a messenger with a brief note to Mr. Falkland, informing him of this unusual incident. Mr. Falkland was away when the messenger arrived and wasn’t expected back until the next day; it seemed that fate was helping Mr. Tyrrel’s revenge this time, as he was too consumed by uncontrollable rage to consider such a detail.
The forlorn state of these poor women, who were conducted, the one by compulsion, the other a volunteer, to a scene so little adapted to their accommodation as that of a common jail, may easily be imagined. Mrs. Hammond, however, was endowed with a masculine courage and impetuosity of spirit, eminently necessary in the difficulties they had to encounter. She was in some degree fitted by a sanguine temper, and an impassioned sense of injustice, for the discharge of those very offices which sobriety and calm reflection might have prescribed. The health of Miss Melville was materially affected by the surprise and removal she had undergone at the very time that repose was most necessary for her preservation. Her fever became more violent; her delirium was stronger; and the tortures of her imagination were proportioned to the unfavourableness of the state in which the removal had been effected. It was highly improbable that she could recover.
The sad situation of these poor women, one forced and the other willingly, being taken to a place so ill-suited for their comfort as a regular jail, is easy to picture. Mrs. Hammond, however, had a strength of character and a passionate spirit that were essential for the challenges they faced. Her optimistic nature and deep sense of injustice somewhat prepared her for tasks that might have been better handled with sobriety and calm thought. Miss Melville’s health was seriously impacted by the shock and upheaval she experienced just when she needed rest the most. Her fever intensified, her delirium worsened, and the torment of her thoughts increased due to the unfavorable conditions under which she was moved. It was highly unlikely that she would recover.
In the moments of suspended reason she was perpetually calling on the name of Falkland. Mr. Falkland, she said, was her first and only love, and he should be her husband. A moment after she exclaimed upon him in a disconsolate, yet reproachful tone, for his unworthy deference to the prejudices of the world. It was very cruel of him to show himself so proud, and tell her that he would never consent to marry a beggar. But, if he were proud, she was determined to be proud too. He should see that she would not conduct herself like a slighted maiden, and that, though he could reject her, it was not in his power to break her heart. At another time she imagined she saw Mr. Tyrrel and his engine Grimes, their hands and garments dropping with blood: and the pathetic reproaches she vented against them might have affected a heart of stone. Then the figure of Falkland presented itself to her distracted fancy, deformed with wounds, and of a deadly paleness, and she shrieked with agony, while she exclaimed that such was the general hardheartedness, that no one would make the smallest exertion for his rescue. In such vicissitudes of pain, perpetually imagining to her self unkindness, insult, conspiracy, and murder, she passed a considerable part of two days.
In moments of irrational thought, she was constantly calling out for Falkland. She declared that Mr. Falkland was her first and only love, and that he should be her husband. Shortly after, she expressed her disappointment in him with a tone that was both sad and reproachful, criticizing his unworthy submission to society’s prejudices. It was incredibly cruel of him to act so proud and to tell her that he would never consider marrying a beggar. But if he was going to be proud, she was determined to be proud as well. He would see that she wouldn’t behave like a wronged maiden, and while he could reject her, he couldn’t break her heart. At another moment, she imagined seeing Mr. Tyrrel and his accomplice Grimes, their hands and clothes covered in blood; the poignant accusations she hurled at them could have moved even a heart of stone. Then the image of Falkland appeared in her troubled mind, disfigured with wounds and looking deathly pale, and she screamed in anguish, lamenting that the general indifference was such that no one would make the slightest effort to save him. In the midst of such emotional turmoil, constantly envisioning unkindness, insults, conspiracy, and murder, she spent a significant part of two days.
On the evening of the second Mr. Falkland arrived, accompanied by Doctor Wilson, the physician by whom she had previously been attended. The scene he was called upon to witness was such as to be most exquisitely agonising to a man of his acute sensibility. The news of the arrest had given him an inexpressible shock; he was transported out of himself at the unexampled malignity of its author. But, when he saw the figure of Miss Melville, haggard, and a warrant of death written in her countenance, a victim to the diabolical passions of her kinsman, it seemed too much to be endured. When he entered, she was in the midst of one of her fits of delirium, and immediately mistook her visitors for two assassins. She asked, where they had hid her Falkland, her lord, her life, her husband! and demanded that they should restore to her his mangled corpse, that she might embrace him with her dying arms, breathe her last upon his lips, and be buried in the same grave. She reproached them with the sordidness of their conduct in becoming the tools of her vile cousin, who had deprived her of her reason, and would never be contented till he had murdered her. Mr. Falkland tore himself away from this painful scene, and, leaving Doctor Wilson with his patient, desired him, when he had given the necessary directions, to follow him to his inn.
On the evening of the second Mr. Falkland arrived, accompanied by Doctor Wilson, the physician who had attended her before. The scene he was faced with was incredibly agonizing for a man as sensitive as he was. The news of the arrest had hit him hard; he was overwhelmed by the extraordinary cruelty of its instigator. But when he saw Miss Melville, looking haggard, with a death warrant written on her face, a victim of her relative's evil intentions, it felt almost unbearable. Upon entering, he found her in the middle of a delirious episode, mistaking her visitors for two murderers. She asked where they had hidden her Falkland, her lord, her life, her husband! She demanded they return his mutilated body so she could hold him with her dying arms, breathe her last on his lips, and be buried in the same grave. She accused them of being complicit in her vile cousin's actions, who had driven her to madness and wouldn't rest until she was dead. Mr. Falkland tore himself away from this distressing scene and, leaving Doctor Wilson with her, asked him to join him at his inn after giving the necessary directions.
The perpetual hurry of spirits in which Miss Melville had been kept for several days, by the nature of her indisposition, was extremely exhausting to her; and, in about an hour from the visit of Mr. Falkland, her delirium subsided, and left her in so low a state as to render it difficult to perceive any signs of life. Doctor Wilson, who had withdrawn, to soothe, if possible, the disturbed and impatient thoughts of Mr. Falkland, was summoned afresh upon this change of symptoms, and sat by the bed-side during the remainder of the night. The situation of his patient was such, as to keep him in momentary apprehension of her decease. While Miss Melville lay in this feeble and exhausted condition, Mrs. Hammond betrayed every token of the tenderest anxiety. Her sensibility was habitually of the acutest sort, and the qualities of Emily were such as powerfully to fix her affection. She loved her like a mother. Upon the present occasion, every sound, every motion, made her tremble. Doctor Wilson had introduced another nurse, in consideration of the incessant fatigue Mrs. Hammond had undergone; and he endeavoured, by representations, and even by authority, to compel her to quit the apartment of the patient. But she was uncontrollable; and he at length found that he should probably do her more injury, by the violence that would be necessary to separate her from the suffering innocent, than by allowing her to follow her inclination. Her eye was a thousand times turned, with the most eager curiosity, upon the countenance of Doctor Wilson, without her daring to breathe a question respecting his opinion, lest he should answer her by a communication of the most fatal tidings. In the mean time she listened with the deepest attention to every thing that dropped either from the physician or the nurse, hoping to collect as it were from some oblique hint, the intelligence which she had not courage expressly to require.
The constant anxiety that Miss Melville had been experiencing for several days due to her illness was extremely draining for her. About an hour after Mr. Falkland's visit, her delirium faded, leaving her in such a weak state that it was hard to notice any signs of life. Doctor Wilson, who had stepped away to try to calm Mr. Falkland’s restless mind, was called back because of this change in symptoms and stayed by the bedside for the rest of the night. The condition of his patient made him constantly fear that she might die. While Miss Melville was in this frail and exhausted state, Mrs. Hammond showed every sign of deep concern. She was naturally very sensitive, and Emily's qualities strongly drew her affection. She loved her like a mother. In this situation, every sound and every movement made her flinch. Doctor Wilson had brought in another nurse because of the relentless fatigue Mrs. Hammond had endured, and he tried to persuade her, even using his authority, to leave the patient's room. But she was not willing to be controlled, and he eventually realized that forcing her away from the suffering woman would likely harm her more than letting her stay. Her eyes frequently darted with intense curiosity toward Doctor Wilson’s face, but she didn’t dare ask him about his opinion for fear that he might give her devastating news. Meanwhile, she listened intently to everything the doctor or the nurse said, hoping to gather some indirect hint of the information she didn’t have the courage to seek directly.
Towards morning the state of the patient seemed to take a favourable turn. She dozed for near two hours, and, when she awoke, appeared perfectly calm and sensible. Understanding that Mr. Falkland had brought the physician to attend her, and was himself in her neighbourhood, she requested to see him. Mr. Falkland had gone in the mean time, with one of his tenants, to bail the debt, and now entered the prison to enquire whether the young lady might be safely removed, from her present miserable residence, to a more airy and commodious apartment. When he appeared, the sight of him revived in the mind of Miss Melville an imperfect recollection of the wanderings of her delirium. She covered her face with her fingers, and betrayed the most expressive confusion, while she thanked him, with her usual unaffected simplicity, for the trouble he had taken. She hoped she should not give him much more; she thought she should get better. It was a shame, she said, if a young and lively girl, as she was, could not contrive to outlive the trifling misfortunes to which she had been subjected. But, while she said this, she was still extremely weak. She tried to assume a cheerful countenance; but it was a faint effort, which the feeble state of her frame did not seem sufficient to support. Mr. Falkland and the doctor joined to request her to keep herself quiet, and avoid for the present all occasions of exertion.
Towards morning, the patient's condition seemed to improve. She dozed for nearly two hours, and when she woke up, she appeared calm and aware. Understanding that Mr. Falkland had brought the doctor to see her and was nearby, she asked to see him. In the meantime, Mr. Falkland had gone with one of his tenants to settle the debt, and now he entered the prison to find out if the young lady could be safely moved from her current miserable place to a more spacious and comfortable room. When he appeared, Miss Melville had a vague recollection of her delirious state, and she covered her face with her fingers, showing clear embarrassment as she thanked him with her usual genuine simplicity for the trouble he had taken. She hoped she wouldn’t be a burden much longer; she thought she was on the mend. It was a shame, she said, if a young and lively girl like her couldn’t manage to get through the minor misfortunes she had faced. However, as she spoke, she was still very weak. She tried to put on a cheerful expression, but it was a faint effort that her fragile state could hardly support. Mr. Falkland and the doctor both urged her to stay calm and avoid any unnecessary exertion for now.
Encouraged by these appearances, Mrs. Hammond ventured to follow the two gentlemen out of the room, in order to learn from the physician what hopes he entertained. Doctor Wilson acknowledged, that he found his patient at first in a very unfavourable situation, that the symptoms were changed for the better, and that he was not without some expectation of her recovery. He added, however, that he could answer for nothing, that the next twelve hours would be exceedingly critical, but that if she did not grow worse before morning, he would then undertake for her life. Mrs. Hammond, who had hitherto seen nothing but despair, now became frantic with joy. She burst into tears of transport, blessed the physician in the most emphatic and impassioned terms, and uttered a thousand extravagancies. Doctor Wilson seized this opportunity to press her to give herself a little repose, to which she consented, a bed being first procured for her in the room next to Miss Melville's, she having charged the nurse to give her notice of any alteration in the state of the patient.
Encouraged by these appearances, Mrs. Hammond decided to follow the two gentlemen out of the room to find out from the doctor what hopes he had. Doctor Wilson admitted that he initially found his patient in a very unfavorable condition, but that the symptoms had improved, and he was somewhat optimistic about her recovery. He added, however, that he couldn’t make any promises; the next twelve hours would be extremely critical, but if she didn’t get worse before morning, he would then take responsibility for her life. Mrs. Hammond, who had only seen despair until then, was now overwhelmed with joy. She burst into tears of happiness, expressed her gratitude to the doctor in the most heartfelt terms, and said a hundred outrageous things. Doctor Wilson took this chance to urge her to get some rest, which she agreed to, after a bed was arranged for her in the room next to Miss Melville's. She instructed the nurse to notify her of any changes in the patient’s condition.
Mrs. Hammond enjoyed an uninterrupted sleep of several hours. It was already night, when she was awaked by an unusual bustle in the next room. She listened for a few moments, and then determined to go and discover the occasion of it. As she opened her door for that purpose, she met the nurse coming to her. The countenance of the messenger told her what it was she had to communicate, without the use of words. She hurried to the bed-side, and found Miss Melville expiring. The appearances that had at first been so encouraging were of short duration. The calm of the morning proved to be only a sort of lightening before death. In a few hours the patient grew worse. The bloom of her countenance faded; she drew her breath with difficulty; and her eyes became fixed. Doctor Wilson came in at this period, and immediately perceived that all was over. She was for some time in convulsions; but, these subsiding, she addressed the physician with a composed, though feeble voice. She thanked him for his attention; and expressed the most lively sense of her obligations to Mr. Falkland. She sincerely forgave her cousin, and hoped he might never be visited by too acute a recollection of his barbarity to her. She would have been contented to live. Few persons had a sincerer relish of the pleasures of life; but she was well pleased to die, rather than have become the wife of Grimes. As Mrs. Hammond entered, she turned her countenance towards her, and with an affectionate expression repeated her name. This was her last word; in less than two hours from that time she breathed her last in the arms of this faithful friend.
Mrs. Hammond enjoyed a solid sleep for several hours. It was already night when she was awakened by an unusual commotion in the next room. After listening for a few moments, she decided to find out what was happening. As she opened her door to do so, she encountered the nurse coming toward her. The look on the nurse's face told her what she needed to know without any words. She hurried to the bedside and found Miss Melville taking her last breaths. The hopeful signs that had appeared earlier were short-lived. The morning’s calm had only been a brief break before death. Within a few hours, the patient’s condition worsened. The color in her face faded, she struggled to breathe, and her eyes became fixed. Doctor Wilson arrived at this point and immediately recognized that it was too late. For a time, she was in convulsions; but as they subsided, she spoke to the doctor in a calm, though weak, voice. She thanked him for his care and expressed deep gratitude to Mr. Falkland. She genuinely forgave her cousin and hoped he would never suffer too much from the painful memory of how he treated her. She would have been happy to live. Few people appreciated life's pleasures as sincerely as she did; but she was glad to die rather than become Grimes's wife. When Mrs. Hammond entered, she turned her gaze toward her and, with a loving expression, repeated her name. That was her last word; less than two hours later, she breathed her last in the arms of this loyal friend.
CHAPTER XI.
Such was the fate of Miss Emily Melville. Perhaps tyranny never exhibited a more painful memorial of the detestation in which it deserves to be held. The idea irresistibly excited in every spectator of the scene, was that of regarding Mr. Tyrrel as the most diabolical wretch that had ever dishonoured the human form. The very attendants upon this house of oppression, for the scene was acted upon too public a stage not to be generally understood, expressed their astonishment and disgust at his unparalleled cruelty.
Such was the fate of Miss Emily Melville. Perhaps tyranny never showed a more painful reminder of how it deserves to be hated. The idea that hit everyone watching the scene was that Mr. Tyrrel was the most evil person who had ever tarnished the human experience. Even the attendants at this place of oppression, since the scene took place on such a public stage that it was widely understood, expressed their shock and disgust at his unmatched cruelty.
If such were the feelings of men bred to the commission of injustice, it is difficult to say what must have been those of Mr. Falkland. He raved, he swore, he beat his head, he rent up his hair. He was unable to continue in one posture, and to remain in one place. He burst away from the spot with vehemence, as if he sought to leave behind him his recollection and his existence. He seemed to tear up the ground with fierceness and rage. He returned soon again. He approached the sad remains of what had been Emily, and gazed on them with such intentness, that his eyes appeared, ready to burst from their sockets. Acute and exquisite as were his notions of virtue and honour, he could not prevent himself from reproaching the system of nature, for having given birth to such a monster as Tyrrel. He was ashamed of himself for wearing the same form. He could not think of the human species with patience. He foamed with indignation against the laws of the universe, that did not permit him to crush such reptiles at a blow, as we would crush so many noxious insects. It was necessary to guard him like a madman.
If this was how those who committed injustices felt, it's hard to imagine what Mr. Falkland must have been going through. He raged, he swore, he beat his head, he tore out his hair. He couldn’t stay in one position or in one place. He burst away from the spot with such force, as if he was trying to escape his own memories and existence. He seemed to tear up the ground with his fury and anger. But he soon returned. He approached the tragic remnants of what had been Emily and stared at them with such intensity that his eyes looked ready to pop out of their sockets. Despite his strong sense of virtue and honor, he couldn’t help but blame nature for bringing forth a monster like Tyrrel. He felt ashamed of sharing the same form. He found it hard to think about humanity patiently. He was consumed with outrage against the laws of the universe that didn’t allow him to crush such vermin with a single blow, as one would squash so many harmful insects. It was necessary to treat him like a madman.
The whole office of judging what was proper to be done under the present circumstances devolved upon Doctor Wilson. The doctor was a man of cool and methodical habits of acting. One of the first ideas that suggested itself to him was, that Miss Melvile was a branch of the family of Tyrrel. He did not doubt of the willingness of Mr. Falkland to discharge every expense that might be further incident to the melancholy remains of this unfortunate victim; but he conceived that the laws of fashion and decorum required some notification of the event to be made to the head of the family. Perhaps, too, he had an eye to his interest in his profession, and was reluctant to expose himself to the resentment of a person of Mr. Tyrrel's consideration in the neighbourhood. But, with this weakness, he had nevertheless some feelings in common with the rest of the world, and must have suffered considerable violence, before he could have persuaded himself to be the messenger; beside which, he did not think it right in the present situation to leave Mr. Falkland.
The whole responsibility of deciding what to do under the current circumstances fell on Doctor Wilson. He was a calm and organized person. One of the first thoughts that came to him was that Miss Melvile was part of the Tyrrel family. He had no doubt that Mr. Falkland would cover any costs related to the unfortunate situation of this victim; however, he felt that proper etiquette and decorum required some formal notification to be given to the head of the family. Perhaps he was also considering his professional interests and didn't want to risk the anger of someone of Mr. Tyrrel's standing in the community. But despite this hesitation, he shared some emotions with everyone else and must have felt considerable struggle before he could bring himself to be the one to deliver the news. Additionally, he didn’t think it was right to leave Mr. Falkland in the current situation.
Doctor Wilson no sooner mentioned these ideas, than they seemed to make a sudden impression on Mrs. Hammond, and she earnestly requested that she might be permitted to carry the intelligence. The proposal was unexpected; but the doctor did not very obstinately refuse his assent. She was determined, she said, to see what sort of impression the catastrophe would make upon the author of it; and she promised to comport herself with moderation and civility. The journey was soon performed.
Doctor Wilson quickly mentioned these ideas, and they seemed to make a strong impression on Mrs. Hammond, who eagerly asked if she could deliver the news. The suggestion was unexpected, but the doctor didn’t overly refuse. She was set on finding out how the author of the situation would react, and she promised to behave with restraint and politeness. The trip was completed in no time.
"I am come, sir," said she to Mr. Tyrrel, "to inform you that your cousin, Miss Melville, died this afternoon."
"I've come, sir," she said to Mr. Tyrrel, "to let you know that your cousin, Miss Melville, passed away this afternoon."
"Died?"
"Passed away?"
"Yes, sir. I saw her die. She died in these arms."
"Yeah, I saw her die. She died in my arms."
"Died? Who killed her? What do you mean?"
"Died? Who did it? What are you talking about?"
"Who? Is it for you to ask that question? Your cruelty and malice killed her!"
"Who? Is it your place to ask that? Your cruelty and bitterness killed her!"
"Me?—my?—Poh! she is not dead—it cannot be—it is not a week since she left this house."
"Me?—my?—No way! She’s not dead—it can’t be—it’s only been a week since she left this house."
"Do not you believe me? I say she is dead!"
"Don't you believe me? I’m telling you she’s dead!"
"Have a care, woman! this is no matter for jesting. No: though she used me ill, I would not believe her dead for all the world!"
"Be careful, woman! This is not something to joke about. No; even though she treated me badly, I wouldn’t believe she’s dead for anything!"
Mrs. Hammond shook her head in a manner expressive at once of grief and indignation.
Mrs. Hammond shook her head, clearly showing both sadness and anger.
"No, no, no, no! I will never believe that!--No, never!"
"No, no, no, no! I will never believe that! -- No, never!"
"Will you come with me, and convince your eyes? It is a sight worthy of you; and will be a feast to such a heart as yours!"—Saying this, Mrs. Hammond offered her hand, as if to conduct him to the spot.
"Will you come with me and see for yourself? It's a sight that deserves your attention, and it will be a delight for a heart like yours!"—With that, Mrs. Hammond extended her hand, as if to lead him to the location.
Mr. Tyrrel shrunk back.
Mr. Tyrrel recoiled.
"If she be dead, what is that to me? Am I to answer for every thing that goes wrong in the world?—What do you come here for? Why bring your messages to me?"
"If she's dead, what does that have to do with me? Am I supposed to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the world?—What are you here for? Why bring your messages to me?"
"To whom should I bring them but to her kinsman,—and her murderer."
"Who else should I take them to but her relative—and her killer?"
"Murderer?—Did I employ knives or pistols? Did I give her poison? I did nothing but what the law allows. If she be dead, nobody can say that I am to blame!"
"Murderer?—Did I use knives or guns? Did I poison her? I did nothing but what the law permits. If she’s dead, no one can say it’s my fault!"
"To blame?—All the world will abhor and curse you. Were you such a fool as to think, because men pay respect to wealth and rank, this would extend to such a deed? They will laugh at so barefaced a cheat. The meanest beggar will spurn and spit at you. Ay, you may well stand confounded at what you have done. I will proclaim you to the whole world, and you will be obliged to fly the very face of a human creature!"
"To blame?—Everyone will hate and curse you. Were you really foolish enough to think that because people respect wealth and status, that would apply to such an act? They will laugh at such an obvious scam. Even the lowest beggar will reject and spit at you. Yes, you should be completely shocked by what you've done. I will expose you to the whole world, and you will have to avoid the sight of any human being!"
"Good woman," said Mr. Tyrrel, extremely humbled, "talk no more in this strain!--Emmy is not dead! I am sure—I hope—she is not dead!--Tell me that you have only been deceiving me, and I will forgive you every thing—I will forgive her—I will take her into favour—I will do any thing you please!--I never meant her any harm!"
"Good woman," Mr. Tyrrel said, feeling very humbled, "stop talking like that! Emmy is not dead! I'm sure—I hope—she's not dead! Just tell me that you were only fooling me, and I'll forgive you for everything—I’ll forgive her—I’ll welcome her back—I’ll do whatever you want! I never meant her any harm!"
"I tell you she is dead! You have murdered the sweetest innocent that lived! Can you bring her back to life, as you have driven her out of it? If you could, I would kneel to you twenty times a day! What is it you have done?—Miserable wretch! did you think you could do and undo, and change things this way and that, as you pleased?"
"I’m telling you she’s dead! You’ve killed the sweetest, most innocent person alive! Can you bring her back to life after you took it away? If you could, I would kneel to you twenty times a day! What have you done?—You miserable wretch! Did you really think you could just do and undo things, changing them however you wanted?"
The reproaches of Mrs. Hammond were the first instance in which Mr. Tyrrel was made to drink the full cup of retribution. This was, however, only a specimen of a long series of contempt, abhorrence, and insult, that was reserved for him. The words of Mrs. Hammond were prophetic. It evidently appeared, that though wealth and hereditary elevation operate as an apology for many delinquencies, there are some which so irresistibly address themselves to the indignation of mankind, that, like death, they level all distinctions, and reduce their perpetrator to an equality with the most indigent and squalid of his species. Against Mr. Tyrrel, as the tyrannical and unmanly murderer of Emily, those who dared not venture the unreserved avowal of their sentiments muttered curses, deep, not loud; while the rest joined in an universal cry of abhorrence and execration. He stood astonished at the novelty of his situation. Accustomed as he had been to the obedience and trembling homage of mankind, he had imagined they would be perpetual, and that no excess on his part would ever be potent enough to break the enchantment. Now he looked round, and saw sullen detestation in every face, which with difficulty restrained itself, and upon the slightest provocation broke forth with an impetuous tide, and swept away the mounds of subordination and fear. His large estate could not purchase civility from the gentry, the peasantry, scarcely from his own servants. In the indignation of all around him he found a ghost that haunted him with every change of place, and a remorse that stung his conscience, and exterminated his peace. The neighbourhood appeared more and more every day to be growing too hot for him to endure, and it became evident that he would ultimately be obliged to quit the country. Urged by the flagitiousness of this last example, people learned to recollect every other instance of his excesses, and it was, no doubt, a fearful catalogue that rose up in judgment against him. It seemed as if the sense of public resentment had long been gathering strength unperceived, and now burst forth into insuppressible violence.
Mrs. Hammond's accusations were the first time Mr. Tyrrel faced the full consequences of his actions. However, this was just the beginning of a long series of disdain, hatred, and insults directed at him. Mrs. Hammond's words turned out to be prophetic. It was clear that while wealth and status can excuse many wrongdoings, there are some actions that provoke such strong outrage in people that, like death, they eliminate all distinctions and bring the wrongdoer down to the same level as the most destitute and filthy individuals. Against Mr. Tyrrel, viewed as the cruel and cowardly murderer of Emily, those who dared not openly express their feelings muttered curses—intense but quiet—while others joined in a collective outcry of disgust and condemnation. He stood there, astonished by the new reality he faced. Accustomed to the obedience and fearful admiration of others, he had thought it would never end, believing no excess on his part could shatter the illusion. Now he looked around and saw a grim hatred etched on every face, barely contained, waiting to erupt at the slightest provocation, sweeping away the barriers of submission and fear. His vast estate couldn't buy him respect from the upper class or even the common people, and hardly from his own staff. In the anger of everyone around him, he experienced a haunting that followed him everywhere and a guilt that pricked his conscience, robbing him of peace. Each day, it became more evident that the neighborhood was turning increasingly hostile towards him, making it clear he would eventually have to leave the country. Spurred by the recent scandal, people began to remember all of his previous misdeeds, creating a terrifying list of offenses to be held against him. It was as if the sense of public anger had been building up unnoticed and had now erupted into uncontrollable fury.
There was scarcely a human being upon whom this sort of retribution could have sat more painfully than upon Mr. Tyrrel. Though he had not a consciousness of innocence prompting him continually to recoil from the detestation of mankind as a thing totally unallied to his character, yet the imperiousness of his temper and the constant experience he had had of the pliability of other men, prepared him to feel the general and undisguised condemnation into which he was sunk with uncommon emotions of anger and impatience. That he, at the beam of whose eye every countenance fell, and to whom in the fierceness of his wrath no one was daring enough to reply, should now be regarded with avowed dislike, and treated with unceremonious censure, was a thing he could not endure to recollect or believe. Symptoms of the universal disgust smote him at every instant, and at every blow he writhed with intolerable anguish. His rage was unbounded and raving. He repelled every attack with the fiercest indignation; while the more he struggled, the more desperate his situation appeared to become. At length he determined to collect his strength for a decisive effort, and to meet the whole tide of public opinion in a single scene.
There was hardly a person who could feel the weight of this kind of punishment more painfully than Mr. Tyrrel. Even though he didn’t have a sense of innocence that made him constantly shrink away from humanity's disdain as something completely foreign to his nature, his controlling temperament and the constant experience of others bending to his will made him acutely aware of the widespread and blatant judgment he faced, which filled him with intense anger and frustration. The same man who had the power to make every face shrink away and who no one dared to confront in his fury was now openly disliked and treated with blatant scorn—a thought he couldn't bear to accept or believe. Signs of universal revulsion hit him at every turn, and with each blow, he writhed in unbearable pain. His anger was limitless and wild. He fought back against every attack with extreme indignation, but the more he struggled, the more hopeless his situation seemed to grow. Finally, he decided to gather his strength for a decisive move and confront the entire wave of public opinion in one go.
In pursuance of these thoughts he resolved to repair, without delay, to the rural assembly which I have already mentioned in the course of my story. Miss Melville had now been dead one month. Mr. Falkland had been absent the last week in a distant part of the country, and was not expected to return for a week longer. Mr. Tyrrel willingly embraced the opportunity, trusting, if he could now effect his re-establishment, that he should easily preserve the ground he had gained, even in the face of his formidable rival. Mr. Tyrrel was not deficient in courage; but he conceived the present to be too important an epoch in his life to allow him to make any unnecessary risk in his chance for future ease and importance.
In line with these thoughts, he decided to head straight to the rural gathering I’ve already mentioned in my story. Miss Melville had now been gone for a month. Mr. Falkland had been away for the past week in a far part of the country and wasn’t expected back for another week. Mr. Tyrrel was eager to take advantage of this opportunity, believing that if he could secure his position now, he would easily be able to maintain the progress he had made, even with his strong rival around. Mr. Tyrrel wasn’t lacking in bravery, but he felt this was too significant a moment in his life to take unnecessary risks that could jeopardize his chances for future comfort and importance.
There was a sort of bustle that took place at his entrance into the assembly, it having been agreed by the gentlemen of the assembly, that Mr. Tyrrel was to be refused admittance, as a person with whom they did not choose to associate. This vote had already been notified to him by letter by the master of the ceremonies, but the intelligence was rather calculated, with a man of Mr. Tyrrel's disposition, to excite defiance than to overawe. At the door of the assembly he was personally met by the master of the ceremonies, who had perceived the arrival of an equipage, and who now endeavoured to repeat his prohibition: but he was thrust aside by Mr. Tyrrel with an air of native authority and ineffable contempt. As he entered; every eye was turned upon him. Presently all the gentlemen in the room assembled round him. Some endeavoured to hustle him, and others began to expostulate. But he found the secret effectually to silence the one set, and to shake off the other. His muscular form, the well-known eminence of his intellectual powers, the long habits to which every man was formed of acknowledging his ascendancy, were all in his favour. He considered himself as playing a desperate stake, and had roused all the energies he possessed, to enable him to do justice to so interesting a transaction. Disengaged from the insects that at first pestered him, he paced up and down the room with a magisterial stride, and flashed an angry glance on every side. He then broke silence. "If any one had any thing to say to him, he should know where and how to answer him. He would advise any such person, however, to consider well what he was about. If any man imagined he had any thing personally to complain of, it was very well. But he did expect that nobody there would be ignorant and raw enough to meddle with what was no business of theirs, and intrude into the concerns of any man's private family."
There was a kind of commotion when he walked into the gathering, as the men present had agreed not to let Mr. Tyrrel in, considering him someone they didn’t want to associate with. The master of ceremonies had already sent him a letter informing him of this decision, but given Mr. Tyrrel's nature, that news was likely to provoke him rather than intimidate him. At the door, the master of ceremonies tried to stop him again after noticing his arrival, but Mr. Tyrrel brushed him aside with an air of authority and disdain. As he entered, everyone turned to look at him. Soon, all the men in the room gathered around him. Some tried to push him, while others began to argue with him. But he quickly found a way to silence one group and shake off the other. His strong physique, well-known intelligence, and the long-standing habit everyone had of acknowledging his dominance worked in his favor. He felt like he was taking a huge risk and summoned all his energy to handle this intense situation. Once free from the pests bothering him, he strode around the room confidently, glaring at everyone. Finally, he broke the silence. "If anyone has something to say to me, they should know where and how to confront me. But I advise anyone considering it to think carefully about what they’re doing. If someone feels personally wronged, that’s one thing. But I expect no one here to be ignorant enough to meddle in matters that don’t concern them and intrude into anyone’s family affairs."
This being a sort of defiance, one and another gentleman advanced to answer it. He that was first began to speak; but Mr. Tyrrel, by the expression of his countenance and a peremptory tone, by well-timed interruptions and pertinent insinuations, caused him first to hesitate, and then to be silent. He seemed to be fast advancing to the triumph he had promised himself. The whole company were astonished. They felt the same abhorrence and condemnation of his character; but they could not help admiring the courage and resources he displayed upon the present occasion. They could without difficulty have concentred afresh their indignant feelings, but they seemed to want a leader.
This was a kind of challenge, and one after another, some gentlemen stepped up to respond. The first one started to speak, but Mr. Tyrrel’s expression and commanding voice, along with his timely interruptions and sharp remarks, made him hesitate and then fall silent. It seemed Mr. Tyrrel was on his way to the victory he had expected. The entire group was shocked. They shared the same disgust and disapproval of his character, but they couldn’t help but admire the bravery and cleverness he showed in this situation. They could have easily gathered their outrage again, but it seemed like they were looking for a leader.
At this critical moment Mr. Falkland entered the room. Mere accident had enabled him to return sooner than he expected.
At this crucial moment, Mr. Falkland walked into the room. A simple accident had allowed him to come back sooner than he had anticipated.
Both he and Mr. Tyrrel reddened at sight of each other. He advanced towards Mr. Tyrrel without a moment's pause, and in a peremptory voice asked him what he did there?
Both he and Mr. Tyrrel blushed when they saw each other. He walked up to Mr. Tyrrel without hesitating and, in a commanding voice, asked him what he was doing there.
"Here? What do you mean by that? This place is as free to me as you, and you are the last person to whom I shall deign to give an account of myself."
"Here? What do you mean by that? This place is as free to me as you are, and you're the last person I’m going to explain myself to."
"Sir, the place is not free to you. Do not you know, you have been voted out? Whatever were your rights, your infamous conduct has forfeited them."
"Sir, this place isn’t yours anymore. Don’t you know you’ve been voted out? No matter what rights you had, your disgraceful behavior has cost you those rights."
"Mr. what do you call yourself, if you have anything to say to me, choose a proper time and place. Do not think to put on your bullying airs under shelter of this company! I will not endure it."
"Mr. what do you call yourself, if you have something to say to me, pick a proper time and place. Don’t think you can act all tough just because we're in this group! I won’t put up with it."
"You are mistaken, sir. This public scene is the only place where I can have any thing to say to you. If you would not hear the universal indignation of mankind, you must not come into the society of men.—Miss Melville!--Shame upon you, inhuman, unrelenting tyrant! Can you hear her name, and not sink into the earth? Can you retire into solitude, and not see her pale and patient ghost rising to reproach you? Can you recollect her virtues, her innocence, her spotless manners, her unresentful temper, and not run distracted with remorse? Have you not killed her in the first bloom of her youth? Can you bear to think that she now lies mouldering in the grave through your cursed contrivance, that deserved a crown, ten thousand times more than you deserve to live? And do you expect that mankind will ever forget, or forgive such a deed? Go, miserable wretch; think yourself too happy that you are permitted to fly the face of man! Why, what a pitiful figure do you make at this moment! Do you think that any thing could bring so hardened a wretch as you are to shrink from reproach, if your conscience were not in confederacy with them that reproached you? And were you fool enough to believe that any obstinacy, however determined, could enable you to despise the keen rebuke of justice? Go, shrink into your miserable self! Begone, and let me never be blasted with your sight again!"
"You’re wrong, sir. This public place is the only spot where I can talk to you. If you don’t want to hear the anger of everyone around you, then you shouldn’t be here among people. —Miss Melville!—Shame on you, cruel and unyielding tyrant! Can you hear her name and not feel like you’re sinking into the ground? Can you isolate yourself and not see her pale and patient ghost haunting you? Can you remember her kindness, her innocence, her pure nature, her forgiving spirit, and not be overwhelmed with guilt? Have you not destroyed her in the prime of her youth? Can you stand to think that she’s now rotting in the grave because of your wicked actions, actions that deserve a crown, a thousand times more than you deserve to live? And do you really think that people will ever forget or forgive such a crime? Go, wretched soul; consider yourself lucky that you can escape the gaze of humanity! Honestly, what a pathetic sight you are right now! Do you think anything could make someone as cold-hearted as you shy away from criticism, if your conscience wasn’t already in league with those who criticize you? And were you foolish enough to believe that any stubbornness, no matter how strong, could help you ignore the harsh truth of justice? Go, shrink back into your miserable self! Leave, and let me never be cursed with your presence again!"
And here, incredible as it may appear, Mr. Tyrrel began to obey his imperious censurer. His looks were full of wildness and horror; his limbs trembled; and his tongue refused its office. He felt no power of resisting the impetuous torrent of reproach that was poured upon him. He hesitated; he was ashamed of his own defeat; he seemed to wish to deny it. But his struggles were ineffectual; every attempt perished in the moment it was made. The general voice was eager to abash him. As his confusion became more visible, the outcry increased. It swelled gradually to hootings, tumult, and a deafening noise of indignation. At length he willingly retired from the public scene, unable any longer to endure the sensations it inflicted.
And here, as incredible as it seems, Mr. Tyrrel started to comply with his harsh critic. His expression was filled with panic and dread; his limbs shook, and he couldn't speak. He felt powerless to resist the overwhelming wave of criticism directed at him. He hesitated; he was embarrassed by his own defeat and seemed to want to deny it. But his efforts were pointless; every attempt failed the moment it was made. The crowd was eager to humiliate him. As his embarrassment became more obvious, the noise grew louder. It escalated into boos, chaos, and a deafening uproar of anger. Finally, he willingly stepped away from the public scene, unable to endure the feelings it caused any longer.
In about an hour and a half he returned. No precaution had been taken against this incident, for nothing could be more unexpected. In the interval he had intoxicated himself with large draughts of brandy. In a moment he was in a part of the room where Mr. Falkland was standing, and with one blow of his muscular arm levelled him with the earth. The blow however was not stunning, and Mr. Falkland rose again immediately. It is obvious to perceive how unequal he must have been in this species of contest. He was scarcely risen before Mr. Tyrrel repeated his blow. Mr. Falkland was now upon his guard, and did not fall. But the blows of his adversary were redoubled with a rapidity difficult to conceive, and Mr. Falkland was once again brought to the earth. In this situation Mr. Tyrrel kicked his prostrate enemy, and stooped apparently with the intention of dragging him along the floor. All this passed in a moment, and the gentlemen present had not time to recover their surprise. They now interfered, and Mr. Tyrrel once more quitted the apartment.
In about an hour and a half, he came back. No precautions had been taken for this incident because it was completely unexpected. During that time, he had drunk a lot of brandy. Suddenly, he was in the part of the room where Mr. Falkland was standing, and with one powerful blow from his strong arm, he knocked him to the ground. However, the blow wasn’t enough to stun him, and Mr. Falkland got back up immediately. It was clear that he was at a disadvantage in this kind of fight. He had barely risen before Mr. Tyrrel struck him again. This time, Mr. Falkland was ready and managed to stay on his feet. But Mr. Tyrrel’s blows came at a speed that was hard to imagine, and once again, Mr. Falkland was knocked down. In this position, Mr. Tyrrel kicked his downed opponent and bent down as if he intended to drag him across the floor. All of this happened in an instant, and the gentlemen present hadn’t had time to process their shock. They quickly intervened, and Mr. Tyrrel left the room once again.
It is difficult to conceive any event more terrible to the individual upon whom it fell, than the treatment which Mr. Falkland in this instance experienced. Every passion of his life was calculated to make him feel it more acutely. He had repeatedly exerted an uncommon energy and prudence, to prevent the misunderstanding between Mr. Tyrrel and himself from proceeding to extremities; but in vain! It was closed with a catastrophe, exceeding all that he had feared, or that the most penetrating foresight could have suggested. To Mr. Falkland disgrace was worse than death. The slightest breath of dishonour would have stung him to the very soul. What must it have been with this complication of ignominy, base, humiliating, and public? Could Mr. Tyrrel have understood the evil he inflicted, even he, under all his circumstances of provocation, could scarcely have perpetrated it. Mr. Falkland's mind was full of uproar like the war of contending elements, and of such suffering as casts contempt on the refinements of inventive cruelty. He wished for annihilation, to lie down in eternal oblivion, in an insensibility, which, compared with what he experienced, was scarcely less enviable than beatitude itself. Horror, detestation, revenge, inexpressible longings to shake off the evil, and a persuasion that in this case all effort was powerless, filled his soul even to bursting.
It’s hard to imagine anything more devastating for someone than what Mr. Falkland went through in this situation. Every passion in his life made him feel it more intensely. He had tried repeatedly to manage the misunderstanding between Mr. Tyrrel and himself to prevent it from escalating, but it was all in vain! It ended with a disaster that was worse than anything he had feared or that anyone could have predicted. For Mr. Falkland, disgrace was worse than death. Just the slightest hint of dishonor would have pierced him to the core. What must it have been like to face this mix of disgrace, shameful, humiliating, and public? If Mr. Tyrrel had understood the damage he was causing, even he, given his provocation, could hardly have gone through with it. Mr. Falkland’s mind was chaotic, like a battle of raging elements, and he experienced a suffering that rendered the cruelties of creativity meaningless. He longed for oblivion, to sink into eternal nothingness, a numbness that, compared to what he felt, was almost as desirable as pure bliss. Horror, disgust, revenge, and an overwhelming desire to escape the pain filled his soul to the breaking point.
One other event closed the transactions of this memorable evening. Mr. Falkland was baffled of the vengeance that yet remained to him. Mr. Tyrrel was found by some of the company dead in the street, having been murdered at the distance of a few yards from the assembly house.
One more event wrapped up the dealings of this unforgettable evening. Mr. Falkland was deprived of the revenge that was still owed to him. Mr. Tyrrel was discovered by some of the guests dead in the street, having been murdered just a few yards from the assembly house.
CHAPTER XII.
I shall endeavour to state the remainder of this narrative in the words of Mr. Collins. The reader has already had occasion to perceive that Mr. Collins was a man of no vulgar order; and his reflections on the subject were uncommonly judicious.
I will try to present the rest of this story in Mr. Collins's own words. The reader has already noticed that Mr. Collins was more than just an ordinary man, and his thoughts on the matter were surprisingly sensible.
"This day was the crisis of Mr. Falkland's history. From hence took its beginning that gloomy and unsociable melancholy, of which he has since been the victim. No two characters can be in certain respects more strongly contrasted, than the Mr. Falkland of a date prior and subsequent to these events. Hitherto he had been attended by a fortune perpetually prosperous. His mind was sanguine; full of that undoubting confidence in its own powers which prosperity is qualified to produce. Though the habits of his life were those of a serious and sublime visionary they were nevertheless full of cheerfulness and tranquillity. But from this moment, his pride, and the lofty adventurousness of his spirit, were effectually subdued. From an object of envy he was changed into an object of compassion. Life, which hitherto no one had more exquisitely enjoyed, became a burden to him. No more self-complacency, no more rapture, no more self-approving and heart-transporting benevolence! He who had lived beyond any man upon the grand and animating reveries of the imagination, seemed now to have no visions but of anguish and despair. His case was peculiarly worthy of sympathy, since, no doubt, if rectitude and purity of disposition could give a title to happiness, few men could exhibit a more consistent and powerful claim than Mr. Falkland.
"This day marked a turning point in Mr. Falkland's life. From this moment on, he fell into a gloomy and unsociable melancholy that became a part of him. No two versions of Mr. Falkland could be more different than he was before and after these events. Until now, he had experienced nothing but continuous success. His mindset was optimistic, filled with the unwavering confidence that success brings. Even though he had the habits of a serious and grand visionary, he was still cheerful and at peace. But from this point forward, his pride and adventurous spirit were effectively crushed. He transformed from someone envied into someone pitied. Life, which he had once enjoyed more exquisitely than anyone, now became a burden. Gone were his self-satisfaction, excitement, and heartwarming generosity! He, who had thrived on the grand and uplifting dreams of imagination, now seemed to have visions only of suffering and despair. His situation was particularly deserving of sympathy, as it was clear that if integrity and a good character could guarantee happiness, few could have a more solid and compelling case than Mr. Falkland."
"He was too deeply pervaded with the idle and groundless romances of chivalry, ever to forget the situation, humiliating and dishonourable according to his ideas, in which he had been placed upon this occasion. There is a mysterious sort of divinity annexed to the person of a true knight, that makes any species of brute violence committed upon it indelible and immortal. To be knocked down, cuffed, kicked, dragged along the floor! Sacred heaven, the memory of such a treatment was not to be endured! No future lustration could ever remove the stain: and, what was perhaps still worse in the present case, the offender having ceased to exist, the lustration which the laws of knight-errantry prescribe was rendered impossible.
He was too consumed by the pointless and unfounded tales of chivalry to ever forget the humiliating and dishonorable situation he found himself in this time. There's a mysterious kind of divinity attached to a true knight that makes any form of violence against them unforgettable and everlasting. To be knocked down, slapped, kicked, and dragged along the floor! Good heavens, the memory of that treatment was unbearable! No future purification could ever erase that stain; and what was perhaps even worse in this case was that since the offender was no longer alive, the purification prescribed by the codes of chivalry was impossible.
"In some future period of human improvement, it is probable, that that calamity will be in a manner unintelligible, which in the present instance contributed to tarnish and wither the excellence of one of the most elevated and amiable of human minds. If Mr. Falkland had reflected with perfect accuracy upon the case, he would probably have been able to look down with indifference upon a wound, which, as it was, pierced to his very vitals. How much more dignity, than in the modern duellist, do we find in Themistocles, the most gallant of the Greeks; who, when Eurybiades, his commander in chief, in answer to some of his remonstrances, lifted his cane over him with a menacing air, accosted him in that noble apostrophe, 'Strike, but hear!'
"In some future era of human growth, it’s likely that the disaster which, in this case, helped to tarnish and wilt the brilliance of one of the most exceptional and kind-hearted human beings will seem incomprehensible. If Mr. Falkland had thought clearly about the situation, he probably could have viewed a wound that, as it turned out, cut to his very core with indifference. We find much more dignity in Themistocles, the bravest of the Greeks, than in today’s duelist; when Eurybiades, his commanding officer, raised his cane threateningly in response to some of Themistocles’ objections, he boldly replied, 'Strike, but hear!'"
"How would a man of true discernment in such a case reply to his brutal assailant? 'I make it my boast that I can endure calamity and pain: shall I not be able to endure the trifling inconvenience that your folly can inflict upon me? Perhaps a human being would be more accomplished, if he understood the science of personal defence; but how few would be the occasions upon which he would be called to exert it? How few persons would he encounter so unjust and injurious as you, if his own conduct were directed by the principles of reason and benevolence? Beside, how narrow would be the use of this science when acquired? It will scarcely put the man of delicate make and petty stature upon a level with the athletic pugilist; and, if it did in some measure secure me against the malice of a single adversary, still my person and my life, so far as mere force is concerned, would always be at the mercy of two. Further than immediate defence against actual violence, it could never be of use to me. The man who can deliberately meet his adversary for the purpose of exposing the person of one or both of them to injury, tramples upon every principle of reason and equity. Duelling is the vilest of all egotism, treating the public, who has a claim to all my powers and exertions, as if it were nothing, and myself, or rather an unintelligible chimera I annex to myself, as if it were entitled to my exclusive attention. I am unable to cope with you: what then? Can that circumstance dishonour me? No; I can only be dishonoured by perpetrating an unjust action. My honour is in my own keeping, beyond the reach of all mankind. Strike! I am passive. No injury that you can inflict, shall provoke me to expose you or myself to unnecessary evil. I refuse that; but I am not therefore pusillanimous: when I refuse any danger or suffering by which the general good may be promoted, then brand me for a coward!
How would a truly discerning person respond to their brutal attacker? "I take pride in my ability to endure hardship and pain; shouldn’t I be able to withstand the minor annoyance your foolishness brings me? Maybe someone with a better understanding of self-defense would be more capable, but how often would they actually need to use it? How few people would they meet as unjust and harmful as you, if they acted based on reason and kindness? Besides, the practical use of self-defense would be very limited. It won’t elevate a delicate person to the level of a strong fighter, and even if it helped me defend against a single opponent, I’d still be vulnerable to two. Beyond protecting against immediate violence, it wouldn’t be much help. The person who can calmly face their opponent to potentially harm them both disregards every principle of reason and fairness. Dueling is the worst kind of selfishness, treating the public—who deserves my abilities and efforts—as if they don’t matter, and myself, or rather an unclear idea I associate with myself, as if it deserves my sole focus. I can’t match you; so what? Does that make me dishonorable? No; I can only lose my honor by doing something unjust. My honor is my responsibility, beyond the influence of anyone else. Go ahead, strike! I won’t resist. No harm you can cause will make me bring unnecessary trouble to either of us. I refuse that; but that doesn’t make me weak. If I avoid danger or suffering that could benefit others, then call me a coward!"
"These reasonings, however simple and irresistible they must be found by a dispassionate enquirer, are little reflected on by the world at large, and were most of all uncongenial to the prejudices of Mr. Falkland.
"These arguments, no matter how simple and convincing they may seem to an unbiased observer, are rarely considered by most people, and were especially at odds with Mr. Falkland's biases."
"But the public disgrace and chastisement that had been imposed upon him, intolerable as they were to be recollected, were not the whole of the mischief that redounded to our unfortunate patron from the transactions of that day. It was presently whispered that he was no other than the murderer of his antagonist. This rumour was of too much importance to the very continuance of his life, to justify its being concealed from him. He heard it with inexpressible astonishment and horror; it formed a dreadful addition to the load of intellectual anguish that already oppressed him. No man had ever held his reputation more dear than Mr. Falkland; and now, in one day, he was fallen under the most exquisite calamities, a complicated personal insult, and the imputation of the foulest of crimes. He might have fled; for no one was forward to proceed against a man so adored as Mr. Falkland, or in revenge of one so universally execrated as Mr. Tyrrel. But flight he disdained. In the mean time the affair was of the most serious magnitude, and the rumour unchecked seemed daily to increase in strength. Mr. Falkland appeared sometimes inclined to adopt such steps as might have been best calculated to bring the imputation to a speedy trial. But he probably feared, by too direct an appeal to judicature, to render more precise an imputation, the memory of which he deprecated; at the same time that he was sufficiently willing to meet the severest scrutiny, and, if he could not hope to have it forgotten that he had ever been accused, to prove in the most satisfactory manner that the accusation was unjust.
But the public shame and punishment he experienced, as unbearable as they were to remember, weren’t the only consequences our unfortunate patron faced from that day’s events. It soon spread that he was nothing less than the murderer of his opponent. This rumor was too serious for him to remain unaware of; it could threaten his very existence. He heard it with immense shock and horror; it added to the heavy burden of mental anguish he was already suffering. No one valued their reputation more than Mr. Falkland, and now, in a single day, he had fallen into the most profound misfortunes: a complex personal insult and the accusation of the worst kind of crime. He could have run away; after all, no one was eager to go after someone as beloved as Mr. Falkland, especially not in retaliation for someone as universally hated as Mr. Tyrrel. But he refused to flee. Meanwhile, the situation was extremely serious, and the rumor seemed to gain traction every day. Mr. Falkland sometimes seemed ready to take steps that might help clear his name quickly. But he likely feared that a direct appeal to the courts would make the accusation more concrete, which he wanted to avoid, while at the same time he was willing to endure the harshest scrutiny. If he could not hope for the accusation to be forgotten, he wanted to prove in the most convincing way possible that it was false.
"The neighbouring magistrates at length conceived it necessary to take some steps upon the subject. Without causing Mr. Falkland to be apprehended, they sent to desire he would appear before them at one of their meetings. The proceeding being thus opened, Mr. Falkland expressed his hope that, if the business were likely to stop there, their investigation might at least be rendered as solemn as possible. The meeting was numerous; every person of a respectable class in society was admitted to be an auditor; the whole town, one of the most considerable in the county, was apprised of the nature of the business. Few trials, invested with all the forms of judgment, have excited so general an interest. A trial, under the present circumstances, was scarcely attainable; and it seemed to be the wish both of principal and umpires, to give to this transaction all the momentary notoriety and decisiveness of a trial.
The nearby magistrates finally thought it was necessary to take some action on the matter. Instead of having Mr. Falkland arrested, they reached out to ask him to appear before them at one of their meetings. With this process starting, Mr. Falkland hoped that, if this was going to be the end of it, they could at least make their investigation as serious as possible. The meeting was well-attended; every respected person in town was allowed to listen, and the entire town, one of the largest in the county, was notified of what was happening. Few trials, with all the formalities in place, have generated such widespread interest. A trial, given the current situation, was hardly feasible; it seemed that both the main parties and the overseers wanted to lend this event the same immediate attention and finality as a trial.
"The magistrates investigated the particulars of the story. Mr. Falkland, it appeared, had left the rooms immediately after his assailant; and though he had been attended by one or two of the gentlemen to his inn, it was proved that he had left them upon some slight occasion, as soon as he arrived at it, and that, when they enquired for him of the waiters, he had already mounted his horse and ridden home.
The magistrates looked into the details of the story. Mr. Falkland had left the rooms right after his attacker, and although he had been accompanied by a couple of gentlemen to his inn, it turned out that he had left them for some minor reason shortly after arriving. When they asked the waiters about him, he had already gotten on his horse and ridden home.
"By the nature of the case, no particular facts could be stated in balance against these. As soon as they had been sufficiently detailed, Mr. Falkland therefore proceeded to his defence. Several copies of his defence were-made, and Mr. Falkland seemed, for a short time, to have had the idea of sending it to the press, though, for some reason or other, he afterwards suppressed it. I have one of the copies in my possession, and I will read it to you."
"Given the situation, there weren't any specific facts to counter these. Once they had been explained in detail, Mr. Falkland moved on to his defense. Several copies of his defense were made, and for a brief period, Mr. Falkland considered sending it to the press, but for some reason, he later decided against it. I have one of the copies with me, and I'll read it to you."
Saying this, Mr. Collins rose, and took it from a private drawer in his escritoire. During this action he appeared to recollect himself. He did not, in the strict sense of the word, hesitate; but he was prompted to make some apology for what he was doing.
Saying this, Mr. Collins stood up and took it from a private drawer in his desk. During this action, he seemed to gather his thoughts. He didn't, strictly speaking, hesitate; but he felt the need to offer some apology for what he was doing.
"You seem never to have heard of this memorable transaction; and, indeed, that is little to be wondered at, since the good nature of the world is interested in suppressing it, and it is deemed a disgrace to a man to have defended himself from a criminal imputation, though with circumstances the most satisfactory and honourable. It may be supposed that this suppression is particularly acceptable to Mr. Falkland; and I should not have acted in contradiction to his modes of thinking in communicating the story to you, had there not been circumstances of peculiar urgency, that seemed to render the communication desirable." Saying this, he proceeded to read from the paper in his hand.
"You seem to have never heard of this unforgettable event; and honestly, it’s not surprising, since the general goodwill of society prefers to keep it under wraps, and it’s considered shameful for a man to have defended himself against a criminal accusation, even with the most convincing and honorable circumstances. It's likely this secrecy suits Mr. Falkland just fine; I wouldn't have gone against his way of thinking by sharing the story with you if there hadn't been some specific urgency that made this information important." Saying this, he began to read from the paper in his hand.
"Gentlemen,
"Guys,"
"I stand here accused of a crime, the most black that any human creature is capable of perpetrating. I am innocent. I have no fear that I shall fail to make every person in this company acknowledge my innocence. In the mean time, what must be my feelings? Conscious as I am of deserving approbation and not censure, of having passed my life in acts of justice and philanthropy, can any thing be more deplorable than for me to answer to a charge of murder? So wretched is my situation, that I cannot accept your gratuitous acquittal, if you should be disposed to bestow it. I must answer to an imputation, the very thought of which is ten thousand times worse to me than death. I must exert the whole energy of my mind, to prevent my being ranked with the vilest of men.
"I stand here accused of a crime, the worst that any human being could possibly commit. I am innocent. I have no doubt that I will make each person in this room recognize my innocence. In the meantime, what must I be feeling? Aware as I am that I deserve praise, not blame, and that I have lived my life filled with acts of justice and kindness, is there anything more terrible than having to respond to a murder charge? My situation is so dreadful that I cannot accept your free acquittal, even if you decide to offer it. I must confront an accusation, the very thought of which is ten thousand times worse for me than death. I must gather all my mental strength to ensure I'm not placed among the most despicable of men."
"Gentlemen, this is a situation in which a man may be allowed to boast. Accursed situation! No man need envy me the vile and polluted triumph I am now to gain! I have called no witnesses to my character. Great God! what sort of character is that which must be supported by witnesses? But, if I must speak, look round the company, ask of every one present, enquire of your own hearts! Not one word of reproach was ever whispered against me. I do not hesitate to call upon those who have known me most, to afford me the most honourable testimony.
"Gentlemen, this is a situation where a man might take pride. Cursed situation! No one should envy me the disgusting and tainted victory I'm about to achieve! I haven't called any witnesses for my character. Great God! what kind of character needs witnesses to stand up for it? But, if I must speak, look around the room, ask everyone here, check your own feelings! Not a single word of criticism has ever been said about me. I don't hesitate to ask those who know me best to provide me with the most honorable testimony."
"My life has been spent in the keenest and most unintermitted sensibility to reputation. I am almost indifferent as to what shall be the event of this day. I would not open my mouth upon the occasion, if my life were the only thing that was at stake. It is not in the power of your decision to restore to me my unblemished reputation, to obliterate the disgrace I have suffered, or to prevent it from being remembered that I have been brought to examination upon a charge of murder. Your decision can never have the efficacy to prevent the miserable remains of my existence from being the most intolerable of all burthens.
"My life has been spent with a deep and constant sensitivity to my reputation. I'm almost indifferent to what happens today. I wouldn't say anything about it even if my life were the only thing at risk. Your decision can’t restore my unblemished reputation, erase the disgrace I’ve faced, or stop people from remembering that I've been put on trial for murder. There’s nothing your decision can do to make the miserable remnants of my life any less unbearable."
"I am accused of having committed murder upon the body of Barnabas Tyrrel. I would most joyfully have given every farthing I possess, and devoted myself to perpetual beggary, to have preserved his life. His life was precious to me, beyond that of all mankind. In my opinion, the greatest injustice committed by his unknown assassin was that of defrauding me of my just revenge. I confess that I would have called him out to the field, and that our encounter should not have been terminated but by the death of one or both of us. This would have been a pitiful and inadequate compensation for his unparalleled insult, but it was all that remained.
"I’m accused of murdering Barnabas Tyrrel. I would have gladly given up every penny I own and dedicated myself to lifelong poverty just to save his life. His life meant more to me than anyone else's. To me, the biggest injustice done by his unknown killer was robbing me of my rightful chance for revenge. I admit that I would have challenged him to a duel, and that our fight wouldn’t have ended until one or both of us were dead. This would have been a sad and insufficient way to make up for his unmatched insult, but it was all that was left."
"I ask for no pity, but I must openly declare that never was any misfortune so horrible as mine. I would willingly have taken refuge from the recollection of that night in a voluntary death. Life was now stripped of all those recommendations, for the sake of which it was dear to me. But even this consolation is denied me. I am compelled to drag for ever the intolerable load of existence, upon penalty, if at any period, however remote, I shake it off, of having that impatience regarded as confirming a charge of murder. Gentlemen, if by your decision you could take away my life, without that act being connected with my disgrace, I would bless the cord that stopped the breath of my existence for ever.
"I don't want your pity, but I have to say that no misfortune has ever been as terrible as mine. I would gladly have escaped the memory of that night through death. Life has lost all the reasons that made it precious to me. But even this comfort is denied to me. I'm forced to carry the unbearable weight of living forever, with the threat that if I ever let it go, no matter how far in the future, it will be seen as an admission of guilt for murder. Gentlemen, if your decision could end my life without it being tied to my shame, I would be grateful for the rope that took my breath away forever."
"You all know how easily I might have fled from this purgation. If I had been guilty, should I not have embraced the opportunity? But, as it was, I could not. Reputation has been the idol, the jewel of my life. I could never have borne to think that a human creature, in the remotest part of the globe, should believe that I was a criminal. Alas! what a deity it is that I have chosen for my worship! I have entailed upon myself everlasting agony and despair!
"You all know how easily I could have run away from this situation. If I had been guilty, wouldn’t I have taken the chance? But I couldn’t. My reputation has been the most important thing in my life. I could never stand the thought of someone, no matter how far away, believing I was a criminal. Oh, what a terrible god I have chosen to worship! I’ve brought upon myself endless pain and despair!"
"I have but one word to add. Gentlemen, I charge you to do me the imperfect justice that is in your power! My life is a worthless thing. But my honour, the empty remains of honour I have now to boast, is in your judgment, and you will each of you, from this day, have imposed upon yourselves the task of its vindicators. It is little that you can do for me; but it is not less your duty to do that little. May that God who is the fountain of honour and good prosper and protect you! The man who now stands before you is devoted to perpetual barrenness and blast! He has nothing to hope for beyond the feeble consolation of this day!"
"I just have one thing to say. Gentlemen, I urge you to do the limited justice that you can! My life may not mean much. But my honor, the little honor I have left to claim, depends on your judgment, and from this day forward, each of you must take on the responsibility of defending it. There’s not much you can do for me, but it’s still your duty to do whatever you can. May the God who is the source of honor and goodness guide and protect you! The man standing before you now is resigned to a future of emptiness and despair! He has nothing to look forward to beyond the faint comfort of today!"
"You will easily imagine that Mr. Falkland was discharged with every circumstance of credit. Nothing is more to be deplored in human institutions, than that the ideas of mankind should have annexed a sentiment of disgrace to a purgation thus satisfactory and decisive. No one entertained the shadow of a doubt upon the subject, and yet a mere concurrence of circumstances made it necessary that the best of men should be publicly put on his defence, as if really under suspicion of an atrocious crime. It may be granted indeed that Mr. Falkland had his faults, but those very faults placed him at a still further distance from the criminality in question. He was the fool of honour and fame: a man whom, in the pursuit of reputation, nothing could divert; who would have purchased the character of a true, gallant, and undaunted hero, at the expense of worlds, and who thought every calamity nominal but a stain upon his honour. How atrociously absurd to suppose any motive capable of inducing such a man to play the part of a lurking assassin? How unfeeling to oblige him to defend himself from such an imputation? Did any man, and, least of all, a man of the purest honour, ever pass in a moment, from a life unstained by a single act of injury, to the consummation of human depravity?
You can easily imagine that Mr. Falkland was let go with complete dignity. Nothing is more lamentable in human nature than the fact that society attaches a sense of shame to such an effective and definitive clearing of one's name. No one doubted the truth, and yet a simple twist of fate required that the best of men should publicly defend himself as if he were really suspected of a horrendous crime. It can be acknowledged that Mr. Falkland had his flaws, but those very flaws actually made him less likely to be guilty of the crime in question. He was naive about honor and reputation: a man who would let nothing distract him in his quest for esteem, willing to pay the price of worlds for the title of a true, brave, and fearless hero, and who viewed every disaster as insignificant aside from a blemish on his honor. How incredibly ridiculous to think that any motive could cause such a man to act like a hidden assassin? How heartless to force him to defend himself against such an accusation? Has any man, especially one of the purest honor, ever slipped in an instant from a life free of a single harmful act to the depths of human wickedness?
"When the decision of the magistrates was declared, a general murmur of applause and involuntary transport burst forth from every one present. It was at first low, and gradually became louder. As it was the expression of rapturous delight, and an emotion disinterested and divine, so there was an indescribable something in the very sound, that carried it home to the heart, and convinced every spectator that there was no merely personal pleasure which ever existed, that would not be foolish and feeble in the comparison. Every one strove who should most express his esteem of the amiable accused. Mr. Falkland was no sooner withdrawn than the gentlemen present determined to give a still further sanction to the business, by their congratulations. They immediately named a deputation to wait upon him for that purpose. Every one concurred to assist the general sentiment. It was a sort of sympathetic feeling that took hold upon all ranks and degrees. The multitude received him with huzzas, they took his horses from his carriage, dragged him along in triumph, and attended him many miles on his return to his own habitation. It seemed as if a public examination upon a criminal charge, which had hitherto been considered in every event as a brand of disgrace, was converted, in the present instance, into an occasion of enthusiastic adoration and unexampled honour.
When the magistrates announced their decision, a wave of applause and spontaneous joy erupted from everyone there. It started off quietly and gradually grew louder. It was a pure expression of bliss, an emotion that felt selfless and heavenly, and there was something indescribable about the sound that resonated with everyone’s hearts, making it clear that no personal joy could ever measure up. Everyone tried to show their appreciation for the likable person being accused. As soon as Mr. Falkland left, the gentlemen present decided to further endorse the event with their congratulations. They quickly formed a group to go and see him for that purpose. Everyone joined in to support the shared feeling. It was a sense of unity that touched all classes and levels of society. The crowd cheered for him, took the horses from his carriage, pulled him along in celebration, and accompanied him for miles on his way home. It felt like what had once been a public trial for a crime—something typically seen as a mark of shame—had turned into a moment of enthusiastic praise and unprecedented honor.
"Nothing could reach the heart of Mr. Falkland. He was not insensible to the general kindness and exertions; but it was too evident that the melancholy that had taken hold of his mind was invincible.
"Nothing could touch Mr. Falkland's heart. He wasn't oblivious to the kindness and efforts around him, but it was clear that the sadness that had taken over his mind was unbeatable."
"It was only a few weeks after this memorable scene that the real murderer was discovered. Every part of this story was extraordinary. The real murderer was Hawkins. He was found with his son, under a feigned name, at a village about thirty miles distant, in want of all the necessaries of life. He had lived there, from the period of his flight, in so private a manner, that all the enquiries that had been set on foot, by the benevolence of Mr. Falkland, or the insatiable malice of Mr. Tyrrel, had been insufficient to discover him. The first thing that had led to the detection was a parcel of clothes covered with blood, that were found in a ditch, and that, when drawn out, were known by the people of the village to belong to this man. The murder of Mr. Tyrrel was not a circumstance that could be unknown, and suspicion was immediately roused. A diligent search being made, the rusty handle, with part of the blade of a knife, was found thrown in a corner of his lodging, which, being applied to a piece of the point of a knife that had been broken in the wound, appeared exactly to correspond. Upon further enquiry two rustics, who had been accidentally on the spot, remembered to have seen Hawkins and his son in the town that very evening and to have called after them, and received no answer, though they were sure of their persons. Upon this accumulated evidence both Hawkins and his son were tried, condemned, and afterwards executed. In the interval between the sentence and execution Hawkins confessed his guilt with many marks of compunction; though there are persons by whom this is denied; but I have taken some pains to enquire into the fact, and am persuaded that their disbelief is precipitate and groundless.
A few weeks after that unforgettable scene, the real murderer was found. Every part of this story was extraordinary. The actual killer was Hawkins. He was discovered with his son, using a fake name, in a village about thirty miles away, lacking all the essentials for living. He had been staying there, since he fled, in such a private way that all the inquiries led by the kindness of Mr. Falkland, or the relentless spite of Mr. Tyrrel, were unable to find him. The first clue that led to the discovery was a bundle of blood-stained clothes found in a ditch, which, when pulled out, were recognized by the villagers as belonging to this man. The murder of Mr. Tyrrel was well known, and suspicion quickly grew. A thorough search uncovered a rusty knife handle, with part of the blade, thrown in a corner of his lodging. When compared to a piece of a knife that had broken off in the wound, it matched perfectly. Upon further inquiry, two locals who had been in the area recalled seeing Hawkins and his son in town that very evening, and they tried to call out to them but received no response, even though they were sure it was them. Based on this gathered evidence, both Hawkins and his son were tried, found guilty, and later executed. In the time between their sentencing and execution, Hawkins admitted his guilt with many signs of remorse; however, some people dispute this, but I have made an effort to look into the matter and believe that their disbelief is hasty and unfounded.
"The cruel injustice that this man had suffered from his village-tyrant was not forgotten upon the present occasion. It was by a strange fatality that the barbarous proceedings of Mr. Tyrrel seemed never to fall short of their completion; and even his death served eventually to consummate the ruin of a man he hated; a circumstance which, if it could have come to his knowledge, would perhaps have in some measure consoled him for his untimely end. This poor Hawkins was surely entitled to some pity, since his being finally urged to desperation, and brought, together with his son, to an ignominious fate, was originally owing to the sturdiness of his virtue and independence. But the compassion of the public was in a great measure shut against him, as they thought it a piece of barbarous and unpardonable selfishness, that he had not rather come boldly forward to meet the consequences of his own conduct, than suffer a man of so much public worth as Mr. Falkland, and who had been so desirous of doing him good, to be exposed to the risk of being tried for a murder that he had committed.
The harsh injustice this man faced from his village oppressor was not forgotten in this instance. It was an odd twist of fate that Mr. Tyrrel's cruel actions always seemed to reach their intended end; even his death ultimately completed the ruin of a man he despised—a fact that, had he known it, might have somewhat comforted him about his early demise. This unfortunate Hawkins certainly deserved some sympathy, as his descent into despair and his final disgrace alongside his son were ultimately due to his strong sense of virtue and independence. However, the public largely turned away from him, viewing it as a ruthless and unforgivable selfishness that he didn’t step forward to face the consequences of his actions, leaving a respected man like Mr. Falkland, who genuinely wanted to help him, at risk of being tried for a murder he committed.
"From this time to the present Mr. Falkland has been nearly such as you at present see him. Though it be several years since these transactions, the impression they made is for ever fresh in the mind of our unfortunate patron. From thenceforward his habits became totally different. He had before been fond of public scenes, and acting a part in the midst of the people among whom he immediately resided. He now made himself a rigid recluse. He had no associates, no friends. Inconsolable himself, he yet wished to treat others with kindness. There was a solemn sadness in his manner, attended with the most perfect gentleness and humanity. Every body respects him, for his benevolence is unalterable; but there is a stately coldness and reserve in his behaviour, which makes it difficult for those about him to regard him with the familiarity of affection. These symptoms are uninterrupted, except at certain times when his sufferings become intolerable, and he displays the marks of a furious insanity. At those times his language is fearful and mysterious, and he seems to figure to himself by turns every sort of persecution and alarm, which may be supposed to attend upon an accusation of murder. But, sensible of his own weakness, he is anxious at such times to withdraw into solitude: and his domestics in general know nothing of him, but the uncommunicative and haughty, but mild, dejection that accompanies every thing he does."
Since then, Mr. Falkland has been almost exactly as you see him now. Even though it has been several years since these events, their impact is always fresh in the mind of our unfortunate patron. From that point on, his habits changed completely. He used to enjoy being in public and playing a role among the people around him. Now, he has become a strict recluse. He has no companions or friends. While he is inconsolable himself, he still wishes to treat others with kindness. There’s a serious sadness about him, accompanied by perfect gentleness and humanity. Everyone respects him because his kindness is unwavering, but there is a formal coldness and distance in his behavior that makes it hard for those around him to feel comfortable enough to show affection. This behavior is consistent, except during moments when his suffering becomes unbearable, and he shows signs of intense madness. During those times, his words are frightening and cryptic, and he seems to imagine every kind of persecution and fear that might come with a murder accusation. However, aware of his own fragility, he is eager to retreat into solitude during these episodes; and generally, his household staff knows nothing of him beyond the uncommunicative and proud, yet gentle, melancholy that surrounds everything he does.
VOLUME THE SECOND.
CHAPTER I.
I have stated the narrative of Mr. Collins, interspersed with such other information as I was able to collect, with all the exactness that my memory, assisted by certain memorandums I made at the time, will afford. I do not pretend to warrant the authenticity of any part of these memoirs, except so much as fell under my own knowledge, and that part shall be given with the same simplicity and accuracy, that I would observe towards a court which was to decide in the last resort upon every thing dear to me. The same scrupulous fidelity restrains me from altering the manner of Mr. Collins's narrative to adapt it to the precepts of my own taste; and it will soon be perceived how essential that narrative is to the elucidation of my history.
I have shared Mr. Collins's story, along with any other information I could gather, as accurately as my memory and some notes I took at the time allow. I don’t claim to guarantee the truth of any part of these memoirs, except for what I experienced myself, and that will be presented with the same straightforwardness and care I would use in front of a court that would ultimately determine everything important to me. My strict commitment to accuracy prevents me from changing Mr. Collins's storytelling style to fit my personal preferences, and it will soon be clear how crucial his narrative is to understanding my story.
The intention of my friend in this communication was to give me ease; but he in reality added to my embarrassment. Hitherto I had had no intercourse with the world and its passions; and, though I was not totally unacquainted with them as they appear in books, this proved of little service to me when I came to witness them myself. The case seemed entirely altered, when the subject of those passions was continually before my eyes, and the events had happened but the other day as it were, in the very neighbourhood where I lived. There was a connection and progress in this narrative, which made it altogether unlike the little village incidents I had hitherto known. My feelings were successively interested for the different persons that were brought upon the scene. My veneration was excited for Mr. Clare, and my applause for the intrepidity of Mrs. Hammond. I was astonished that any human creature should be so shockingly perverted as Mr. Tyrrel. I paid the tribute of my tears to the memory of the artless Miss Melville. I found a thousand fresh reasons to admire and love Mr. Falkland.
The intention of my friend in this message was to ease my mind; however, he actually added to my embarrassment. Up until now, I had not engaged with the world and its passions; and while I wasn't completely unfamiliar with them as portrayed in books, this knowledge was of little help when I experienced them for myself. The situation felt completely different when the subject of those passions was constantly in front of me, and the events had happened just recently, right in my neighborhood. There was a connection and flow in this story that made it totally different from the small-town happenings I had known before. My emotions were stirred one after another for the different people involved. I felt respect for Mr. Clare, and I admired the bravery of Mrs. Hammond. I was shocked that any human being could be as terribly corrupted as Mr. Tyrrel. I shed tears in memory of the innocent Miss Melville. I found countless new reasons to admire and love Mr. Falkland.
At present I was satisfied with thus considering every incident in its obvious sense. But the story I had heard was for ever in my thoughts, and I was peculiarly interested to comprehend its full import. I turned it a thousand ways, and examined it in every point of view. In the original communication it appeared sufficiently distinct and satisfactory; but as I brooded over it, it gradually became mysterious. There was something strange in the character of Hawkins. So firm, so sturdily honest and just, as he appeared at first; all at once to become a murderer! His first behaviour under the prosecution, how accurately was it calculated to prepossess one in his favour! To be sure, if he were guilty, it was unpardonable in him to permit a man of so much dignity and worth as Mr. Falkland to suffer under the imputation of his crime! And yet I could not help bitterly compassionating the honest fellow, brought to the gallows, as he was, strictly speaking, by the machinations of that devil incarnate, Mr. Tyrrel. His son, too, that son for whom he voluntarily sacrificed his all, to die with him at the same tree; surely never was a story more affecting!
Right now, I was content to view every incident in its obvious light. But the story I had heard kept replaying in my mind, and I was particularly eager to grasp its full meaning. I turned it over a thousand times and looked at it from every angle. At first, in the original account, it seemed clear and satisfying; but as I thought about it more, it gradually became puzzling. There was something odd about Hawkins. He seemed so strong, so steadfastly honest and fair, and then suddenly he became a murderer! His initial behavior during the trial was so skillfully designed to win people over! Of course, if he was guilty, it was unforgivable for him to let someone as dignified and worthy as Mr. Falkland suffer because of his crime! And yet, I couldn't help but feel a deep sympathy for the honest guy, who was led to the gallows, so to speak, by the schemes of that wicked man, Mr. Tyrrel. His son, too—the son for whom he willingly gave up everything, only to die with him at the same tree—surely, no story could be more heart-wrenching!
Was it possible, after all, that Mr. Falkland should be the murderer? The reader will scarcely believe, that the idea suggested itself to my mind that I would ask him. It was but a passing thought; but it serves to mark the simplicity of my character. Then I recollected the virtues of my master, almost too sublime for human nature; I thought of his sufferings so unexampled, so unmerited; and chid myself for the suspicion. The dying confession of Hawkins recurred to my mind; and I felt that there was no longer a possibility of doubting. And yet what was the meaning of all Mr. Falkland's agonies and terrors? In fine, the idea having once occurred to my mind, it was fixed there for ever. My thoughts fluctuated from conjecture to conjecture, but this was the centre about which they revolved. I determined to place myself as a watch upon my patron.
Was it possible that Mr. Falkland could actually be the murderer? You might find it hard to believe, but the thought crossed my mind to ask him. It was just a fleeting idea, but it highlights how naive I was. Then I remembered my master's almost too good qualities; I thought of his unparalleled and undeserved suffering, and I scolded myself for even considering the suspicion. The dying confession of Hawkins came to me, and I realized I could no longer doubt. But still, what did all of Mr. Falkland's pain and fear mean? Ultimately, once that thought had entered my mind, it was stuck there forever. My thoughts moved from one theory to another, but this became the core around which everything else revolved. I decided to keep a close eye on my patron.
The instant I had chosen this employment for myself, I found a strange sort of pleasure in it. To do what is forbidden always has its charms, because we have an indistinct apprehension of something arbitrary and tyrannical in the prohibition. To be a spy upon Mr. Falkland! That there was danger in the employment, served to give an alluring pungency to the choice. I remembered the stern reprimand I had received, and his terrible looks; and the recollection gave a kind of tingling sensation, not altogether unallied to enjoyment. The further I advanced, the more the sensation was irresistible. I seemed to myself perpetually upon the brink of being countermined, and perpetually roused to guard my designs. The more impenetrable Mr. Falkland was determined to be, the more uncontrollable was my curiosity. Through the whole, my alarm and apprehension of personal danger had a large mixture of frankness and simplicity, conscious of meaning no ill, that made me continually ready to say every thing that was upon my mind, and would not suffer me to believe that, when things were brought to the test, any one could be seriously angry with me.
The moment I decided to take on this role, I felt a weird kind of excitement about it. Doing something forbidden always has its appeal because we sense something arbitrary and controlling in the ban. To spy on Mr. Falkland! The danger involved made the choice even more enticing. I recalled the stern reprimand I had received and his frightening glares; the memory sent a thrill through me, something that felt a bit like enjoyment. The further I went, the more irresistible that feeling became. I felt like I was constantly on the verge of being discovered, which kept me on high alert to protect my plans. The more Mr. Falkland tried to be unreadable, the stronger my curiosity grew. Throughout it all, my fear and anxiety about personal danger were mixed with a kind of openness and innocence. Since I meant no harm, I found myself always ready to share what was on my mind, unable to believe that anyone could truly be angry with me when things came to a head.
These reflections led gradually to a new state of my mind. When I had first removed into Mr. Falkland's family, the novelty of the scene rendered me cautious and reserved. The distant and solemn manners of my master seemed to have annihilated my constitutional gaiety. But the novelty by degrees wore off, and my constraint in the same degree diminished. The story I had now heard, and the curiosity it excited, restored to me activity, eagerness, and courage. I had always had a propensity to communicate my thoughts; my age was, of course, inclined to talkativeness; and I ventured occasionally in a sort of hesitating way, as if questioning whether such a conduct might be allowed, to express my sentiments as they arose, in the presence of Mr. Falkland.
These reflections gradually changed my state of mind. When I first joined Mr. Falkland's family, the novelty of the situation made me cautious and reserved. The distant and serious demeanor of my master seemed to kill my natural cheerfulness. But as the novelty wore off, my nervousness started to fade as well. The story I had just heard, and the curiosity it sparked in me, brought back my energy, eagerness, and courage. I had always liked sharing my thoughts; my age certainly made me more talkative, and I occasionally took the chance, in a hesitant way as if wondering whether it was acceptable, to share my opinions when I was around Mr. Falkland.
The first time I did so, he looked at me with an air of surprise, made me no answer, and presently took occasion to leave me. The experiment was soon after repeated. My master seemed half inclined to encourage me, and yet doubtful whether he might venture.
The first time I did that, he looked at me in surprise, didn’t respond, and soon found a way to leave. The experiment was repeated shortly after. My master seemed a bit inclined to support me, but he also seemed uncertain about whether he could take the risk.
He had long been a stranger to pleasure of every sort, and my artless and untaught remarks appeared to promise him some amusement. Could an amusement of this sort be dangerous?
He had been out of touch with any kind of pleasure for a long time, and my naive and untrained comments seemed to offer him some entertainment. Could this kind of entertainment be risky?
In this uncertainty he could not probably find it in his heart to treat with severity my innocent effusions. I needed but little encouragement; for the perturbation of my mind stood in want of this relief. My simplicity, arising from my being a total stranger to the intercourse of the world, was accompanied with a mind in some degree cultivated with reading, and perhaps not altogether destitute of observation and talent. My remarks were therefore perpetually unexpected, at one time implying extreme ignorance, and at another some portion of acuteness, but at all times having an air of innocence, frankness, and courage. There was still an apparent want of design in the manner, even after I was excited accurately to compare my observations, and study the inferences to which they led; for the effect of old habit was more visible than that of a recently conceived purpose which was yet scarcely mature.
In this uncertainty, he probably couldn’t bring himself to react harshly to my innocent outpourings. I only needed a little encouragement because the turmoil in my mind craved this relief. My naivety, stemming from being a complete stranger to the ways of the world, was paired with a mind somewhat nurtured by reading and perhaps not completely lacking in observation and talent. As a result, my comments were often unexpected—sometimes showing extreme ignorance, other times reflecting some cleverness—but always coming across as innocent, open, and bold. There was still a noticeable lack of intention in my approach, even after I was prompted to closely compare my observations and think about the conclusions they led to; the influence of old habits was more clear than that of a freshly formed purpose that was still barely developed.
Mr. Falkland's situation was like that of a fish that plays with the bait employed to entrap him. By my manner he was in a certain degree encouraged to lay aside his usual reserve, and relax his stateliness; till some abrupt observation or interrogatory stung him into recollection, and brought back his alarm. Still it was evident that he bore about him a secret wound. Whenever the cause of his sorrows was touched, though in a manner the most indirect and remote, his countenance altered, his distemper returned, and it was with difficulty that he could suppress his emotions, sometimes conquering himself with painful effort, and sometimes bursting into a sort of paroxysm of insanity, and hastening to bury himself in solitude.
Mr. Falkland's situation was like a fish playing with the bait meant to trap it. My demeanor encouraged him to let go of his usual reserve and loosen up a bit; until some abrupt comment or question reminded him of his situation and brought back his anxiety. Still, it was clear he carried a hidden pain. Whenever the reason for his sadness came up, even in the most indirect way, his expression changed, his distress returned, and it was hard for him to control his feelings, sometimes managing to hold it together with great effort, and other times breaking down into a sort of fit of madness and rushing off to be alone.
These appearances I too frequently interpreted into grounds of suspicion, though I might with equal probability and more liberality have ascribed them to the cruel mortifications he had encountered in the objects of his darling ambition. Mr. Collins had strongly urged me to secrecy; and Mr. Falkland, whenever my gesture or his consciousness impressed him with the idea of my knowing more than I expressed, looked at me with wistful earnestness, as questioning what was the degree of information I possessed, and how it was obtained. But again at our next interview the simple vivacity of my manner restored his tranquillity, obliterated the emotion of which I had been the cause, and placed things afresh in their former situation.
I often misinterpreted these signs as reasons to be suspicious, even though I could have just as easily and more generously thought they stemmed from the harsh setbacks he faced in pursuit of his deepest ambitions. Mr. Collins had strongly urged me to keep things secret; and Mr. Falkland, whenever my gesture or his awareness made him think I knew more than I let on, looked at me with a longing seriousness, as if questioning how much I knew and how I came by it. But when we met again, the natural cheerfulness of my demeanor eased his tension, erased the feelings I had caused, and put everything back to where it was before.
The longer this humble familiarity on my part had continued, the more effort it would require to suppress it; and Mr. Falkland was neither willing to mortify me by a severe prohibition of speech, nor even perhaps to make me of so much consequence, as that prohibition might seem to imply. Though I was curious, it must not be supposed that I had the object of my enquiry for ever in my mind, or that my questions and innuendoes were perpetually regulated with the cunning of a grey-headed inquisitor. The secret wound of Mr. Falkland's mind was much more uniformly present to his recollection than to mine; and a thousand times he applied the remarks that occurred in conversation; when I had not the remotest idea of such an application, till some singularity in his manner brought it back to my thoughts. The consciousness of this morbid sensibility, and the imagination that its influence might perhaps constitute the whole of the case, served probably to spur Mr. Falkland again to the charge, and connect a sentiment of shame, with every project that suggested itself for interrupting the freedom of our intercourse.
The longer this casual familiarity on my part went on, the harder it became to hide it; Mr. Falkland didn’t want to embarrass me with a harsh gag order, nor did he want to make me feel important enough for such a restriction to even seem necessary. While I was curious, it shouldn't be assumed that I always had the subject of my inquiry on my mind, or that my questions and hints were constantly crafted like those of a seasoned interrogator. The deep-seated issue in Mr. Falkland's mind was much more consistently present for him than it was for me; countless times, he related comments I made in conversation to it, while I had no idea such connections were even being made until something unusual in his demeanor brought it back to my thoughts. The awareness of this sensitive issue and the thought that it might be the only thing at play probably pushed Mr. Falkland to bring it up again, associating a sense of shame with every idea he had for disrupting the ease of our interaction.
I will give a specimen of the conversations to which I allude; and, as it shall be selected from those which began upon topics the most general and remote, the reader will easily imagine the disturbance that was almost daily endured by a mind so tremblingly alive as that of my patron.
I will provide an example of the conversations I'm referring to, and since it will be chosen from those that started on the most broad and distant topics, the reader can easily imagine the turmoil that was nearly experienced daily by a mind as sensitive as that of my patron.
"Pray, sir," said I, one day as I was assisting Mr. Falkland in arranging some papers, previously to their being transcribed into his collection, "how came Alexander of Macedon to be surnamed the Great?"
"Excuse me, sir," I said one day as I was helping Mr. Falkland organize some papers before they were copied into his collection, "how did Alexander the Great get his nickname?"
"How came it? Did you never read his history?"
"How did that happen? Have you never read his story?"
"Yes, sir."
"Yes, sir."
"Well, Williams, and could you find no reasons there?"
"Well, Williams, couldn’t you find any reasons there?"
"Why, I do not know, sir. I could find reasons why he should be so famous; but every man that is talked of is not admired. Judges differ about the merits of Alexander. Doctor Prideaux says in his Connection, that he deserves only to be called the Great Cut-throat; and the author of Tom Jones has written a volume, to prove that he and all other conquerors ought to be classed with Jonathan Wild."
"Honestly, I have no idea, sir. I could come up with reasons why he should be so famous, but not every man who's talked about is admired. Judges disagree on Alexander's merits. Doctor Prideaux mentions in his Connection that he should just be called the Great Cut-throat, and the author of Tom Jones wrote a whole book suggesting that he and all other conquerors should be grouped with Jonathan Wild."
Mr. Falkland reddened at these citations.
Mr. Falkland flushed at these references.
"Accursed blasphemy! Did these authors think that, by the coarseness of their ribaldry, they could destroy his well-earned fame? Are learning, sensibility, and taste, no securities to exempt their possessor from this vulgar abuse? Did you ever read, Williams, of a man more gallant, generous, and free? Was ever mortal so completely the reverse of every thing engrossing and selfish? He formed to himself a sublime image of excellence, and his only ambition was to realise it in his own story. Remember his giving away every thing when he set out upon his grand expedition, professedly reserving for himself nothing but hope. Recollect his heroic confidence in Philip the physician, and his entire and unalterable friendship for Ephestion. He treated the captive family of Darius with the most cordial urbanity, and the venerable Sysigambis with all the tenderness and attention of a son to his mother. Never take the judgment, Williams, upon such a subject, of a clerical pedant or a Westminster justice. Examine for yourself, and you will find in Alexander a model of honour, generosity, and disinterestedness,—a man who, for the cultivated liberality of his mind, and the unparalleled grandeur of his projects, must stand alone the spectacle and admiration of all ages of the world."
"Curse this blasphemy! Did these authors really believe that their crude jokes could tarnish his well-earned reputation? Are intellect, sensitivity, and taste not enough to protect someone from this kind of petty slander? Have you ever read, Williams, about someone more courageous, generous, and free? Was there ever a person so completely the opposite of everything self-centered and greedy? He created a lofty vision of excellence for himself, and his only ambition was to achieve it in his own life. Remember how he gave away everything when he embarked on his grand journey, keeping nothing for himself but hope. Recall his brave trust in Philip the doctor, and his unwavering friendship for Ephestion. He treated Darius's captive family with the utmost kindness, and the elderly Sysigambis with all the care and attention of a son for his mother. Never let a pompous clergyman or a strict Westminster judge shape your opinion on such matters, Williams. Look into it yourself, and you will see in Alexander a paragon of honor, generosity, and selflessness—a man whose cultured wisdom and unmatched ambition must stand as a spectacle and source of admiration for all ages."
"Ah, sir! it is a fine thing for us to sit here and compose his panegyric. But shall I forget what a vast expense was bestowed in erecting the monument of his fame? Was not he the common disturber of mankind? Did not he over-run nations that would never have heard of him but for his devastations? How many hundred thousands of lives did he sacrifice in his career? What must I think of his cruelties; a whole tribe massacred for a crime committed by their ancestors one hundred and fifty years before; fifty thousand sold into slavery; two thousand crucified for their gallant defence of their country? Man is surely a strange sort of creature, who never praises any one more heartily than him who has spread destruction and ruin over the face of nations!"
"Ah, sir! It's a great thing for us to sit here and write his tribute. But can I forget the huge amount of money spent to build his monument of fame? Wasn't he the common troublemaker for humanity? Did he not invade nations that would never have known of him if it weren't for his destruction? How many hundreds of thousands of lives did he take in his quest? What should I think of his brutal actions; an entire tribe slaughtered for a crime committed by their ancestors one hundred and fifty years ago; fifty thousand sold into slavery; two thousand crucified for bravely defending their country? Humanity is indeed a strange creature, who often praises most fervently the one who has brought destruction and ruin to entire nations!"
"The way of thinking you express, Williams, is natural enough, and I cannot blame you for it. But let me hope that you will become more liberal. The death of a hundred thousand men is at first sight very shocking; but what in reality are a hundred thousand such men, more than a hundred thousand sheep? It is mind, Williams, the generation of knowledge and virtue, that we ought to love. This was the project of Alexander; he set out in a great undertaking to civilise mankind; he delivered the vast continent of Asia from the stupidity and degradation of the Persian monarchy: and, though he was cut off in the midst of his career, we may easily perceive the vast effects of his project. Grecian literature and cultivation, the Seleucidae, the Antiochuses, and the Ptolemies followed, in nations which before had been sunk to the condition of brutes. Alexander was the builder, as notoriously as the destroyer, of cities."
"The way you think, Williams, is pretty natural, and I can’t fault you for it. But I hope you become more open-minded. The death of a hundred thousand men is shocking at first glance; but really, what are a hundred thousand of those men, more than a hundred thousand sheep? It’s the mind, Williams, the generation of knowledge and virtue, that we should cherish. This was Alexander’s mission; he set out on a grand endeavor to civilize humanity; he liberated the vast continent of Asia from the ignorance and decline of the Persian monarchy. And even though he was cut down in the middle of his journey, we can easily see the significant impacts of his mission. Greek culture and scholarship, the Seleucids, the Antiochuses, and the Ptolemies emerged in nations that had previously sunk to the level of animals. Alexander was as much a builder as he was a destroyer of cities."
"And yet, sir, I am afraid that the pike and the battle-axe are not the right instruments for making men wise. Suppose it were admitted that the lives of men were to be sacrificed without remorse if a paramount good were to result, it seems to me as if murder and massacre were but a very left-handed way of producing civilisation and love. But pray, do not you think this great hero was a sort of a madman? What now will you say to his firing the palace of Persepolis, his weeping for other worlds to conquer, and his marching his whole army over the burning sands of Libya, merely to visit a temple, and persuade mankind that he was the son of Jupiter Ammon?"
"And yet, sir, I’m afraid that the spear and the battle-axe aren’t the right tools for making people wise. If we accept that lives can be taken without remorse for the sake of a greater good, it seems to me that murder and massacre are just a really twisted way of creating civilization and love. But really, don’t you think this great hero was a bit of a madman? What will you say about him burning the palace of Persepolis, crying for more worlds to conquer, and leading his entire army across the scorching sands of Libya just to visit a temple and convince people that he was the son of Jupiter Ammon?"
"Alexander, my boy, has been much misunderstood. Mankind have revenged themselves upon him by misrepresentation, for having so far eclipsed the rest of his species. It was necessary to the realising his project, that he should pass for a god. It was the only way by which he could get a firm hold upon the veneration of the stupid and bigoted Persians. It was this, and not a mad vanity, that was the source of his proceeding. And how much had he to struggle with in this respect, in the unapprehending obstinacy of some of his Macedonians?"
"Alexander, my boy, has been greatly misunderstood. People have taken revenge on him through misrepresentation because he has far outshone the rest of his kind. To achieve his goals, he needed to be seen as a god. It was the only way he could gain the respect of the ignorant and narrow-minded Persians. This, not a crazy vanity, was the reason behind his actions. And how much did he have to fight against this mindset with the stubbornness of some of his Macedonians?"
"Why then, sir, at last Alexander did but employ means that all politicians profess to use, as well as he. He dragooned men into wisdom, and cheated them into the pursuit of their own happiness. But what is worse, sir, this Alexander, in the paroxysm of his headlong rage, spared neither friend nor foe. You will not pretend to justify the excesses of his ungovernable passion. It is impossible, sure, that a word can be said for a man whom a momentary provocation can hurry into the commission of murders—"
"Why then, sir, in the end, Alexander only used the same tactics that all politicians say they use, just as he did. He forced people into wisdom and tricked them into chasing their own happiness. But what’s worse, sir, this Alexander, in the height of his reckless anger, showed no mercy to either friends or enemies. You can’t seriously justify the extremes of his uncontrollable rage. It's hard to argue in favor of someone who can be driven to commit murder by a momentary provocation—"
The instant I had uttered these words, I felt what it was that I had done. There was a magnetical sympathy between me and my patron, so that their effect was not sooner produced upon him, than my own mind reproached me with the inhumanity of the allusion. Our confusion was mutual. The blood forsook at once the transparent complexion of Mr. Falkland, and then rushed back again with rapidity and fierceness. I dared not utter a word, lest I should commit a new error, worse than that into which I had just fallen. After a short, but severe, struggle to continue the conversation, Mr. Falkland began with trepidation, but afterwards became calmer:—
The moment I said those words, I understood what I had done. There was a strong connection between me and my patron, so that the effect on him was almost immediate, and my own mind quickly berated me for the insensitivity of my comment. We were both equally embarrassed. Mr. Falkland's face went pale, then flushed with intensity and speed. I didn't dare say anything more, afraid I might make an even bigger mistake than the one I had just made. After a brief but intense struggle to keep the conversation going, Mr. Falkland started to speak nervously, but then gradually became calmer:—
"You are not candid—Alexander—You must learn more clemency—Alexander, I say, does not deserve this rigour. Do you remember his tears, his remorse, his determined abstinence from food, which he could scarcely be persuaded to relinquish? Did not that prove acute feeling and a rooted principle of equity?—Well, well, Alexander was a true and judicious lover of mankind, and his real merits have been little comprehended."
"You are not being straightforward, Alexander. You need to be more forgiving. I say that Alexander doesn’t deserve this harsh treatment. Do you remember his tears, his regret, his strong refusal to eat, which he could hardly be convinced to give up? Didn’t that show deep emotion and a strong sense of fairness? Well, well, Alexander was a genuine and wise lover of humanity, and his true worth has been largely overlooked."
I know not how to make the state of my mind at that moment accurately understood. When one idea has got possession of the soul, it is scarcely possible to keep it from finding its way to the lips. Error, once committed, has a fascinating power, like that ascribed to the eyes of the rattlesnake, to draw us into a second error. It deprives us of that proud confidence in our own strength, to which we are indebted for so much of our virtue. Curiosity is a restless propensity, and often does but hurry us forward the more irresistibly, the greater is the danger that attends its indulgence.
I can't quite explain the state of my mind at that moment. When one idea takes hold of you, it's almost impossible to keep it from spilling out. Making a mistake, once done, has a captivating power, similar to that attributed to the eyes of a rattlesnake, which can lead us into another mistake. It robs us of the proud confidence in our own strength, which is responsible for much of our goodness. Curiosity is a restless urge, and often pushes us forward more forcefully, especially when the risks of indulging it are greatest.
"Clitus," said I, "was a man of very coarse and provoking manners, was he not?"
"Clitus," I said, "was a guy with really rude and annoying behavior, wasn't he?"
Mr. Falkland felt the full force of this appeal. He gave me a penetrating look, as if he would see my very soul. His eyes were then in an instant withdrawn. I could perceive him seized with a convulsive shuddering which, though strongly counteracted, and therefore scarcely visible, had I know not what of terrible in it. He left his employment, strode about the room in anger, his visage gradually assumed an expression as of supernatural barbarity, he quitted the apartment abruptly, and flung the door with a violence that seemed to shake the house.
Mr. Falkland felt the weight of this appeal. He gave me a piercing look, as if he could see right into my soul. In an instant, his eyes were averted. I could see him gripped by a shudder that, although strongly resisted and barely noticeable, had an unsettling quality to it. He left his work, paced around the room in anger, and his face slowly took on a look of unnatural ferocity. He suddenly left the room, slamming the door with such force that it seemed to shake the house.
"Is this," said I, "the fruit of conscious guilt, or of the disgust that a man of honour conceives at guilt undeservedly imputed?"
"Is this," I said, "the result of being guilty or the disgust that an honorable person feels about guilt that has been unjustly assigned?"
CHAPTER II.
The reader will feel how rapidly I was advancing to the brink of the precipice. I had a confused apprehension of what I was doing, but I could not stop myself. "Is it possible," said I, "that Mr. Falkland, who is thus overwhelmed with a sense of the unmerited dishonour that has been fastened upon him in the face of the world, will long endure the presence of a raw and unfriended youth, who is perpetually bringing back that dishonour to his recollection, and who seems himself the most forward to entertain the accusation?"
The reader will sense how quickly I was approaching the edge of the cliff. I had a vague understanding of what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself. "Is it possible," I wondered, "that Mr. Falkland, who is so burdened by the unfair shame thrust upon him in front of everyone, will be able to tolerate the presence of a young person who is alone and constantly reminding him of that shame, and who appears to be the most eager to entertain the accusation?"
I felt indeed that Mr. Falkland would not hastily incline to dismiss me, for the same reason that restrained him from many other actions, which might seem to savour of a too tender and ambiguous sensibility. But this reflection was little adapted to comfort me. That he should cherish in his heart a growing hatred against me, and that he should think himself obliged to retain me a continual thorn in his side, was an idea by no means of favourable augury to my future peace.
I could tell that Mr. Falkland wouldn't quickly dismiss me, for the same reason that held him back from many other actions that might seem overly sensitive and ambiguous. However, this thought didn't really provide me any comfort. The idea that he harbored a growing hatred for me and felt he had to keep me as a constant source of irritation was definitely not a promising sign for my future peace.
It was some time after this that, in clearing out a case of drawers, I found a paper that, by some accident, had slipped behind one of the drawers, and been overlooked. At another time perhaps my curiosity might have given way to the laws of decorum, and I should have restored it unopened to my master, its owner. But my eagerness for information had been too much stimulated by the preceding incidents, to allow me at present to neglect any occasion of obtaining it. The paper proved to be a letter written by the elder Hawkins, and from its contents seemed to have been penned when he had first been upon the point of absconding from the persecutions of Mr. Tyrrel. It was as follows:—
It was a while later that, while cleaning out a drawer, I found a paper that had somehow slipped behind one of the drawers and had been missed. Maybe under different circumstances my curiosity would have given way to proper behavior, and I would have returned it unopened to my master, its owner. But my eagerness for information had been too heightened by the recent events to let me overlook any opportunity to get it. The paper turned out to be a letter from the elder Hawkins, and based on its content, it seemed to have been written when he was about to flee from the harassment of Mr. Tyrrel. It said:—
"Honourable Sir,
"Dear Sir,"
"I have waited some time in daily hope of your honour's return into these parts. Old Warnes and his dame, who are left to take care of your house, tell me they cannot say when that will be, nor justly in what part of England you are at present. For my share, misfortune comes so thick upon me, that I must determine upon something (that is for certain), and out of hand. Our squire, who I must own at first used me kindly enough, though I am afraid that was partly out of spite to squire Underwood, has since determined to be the ruin of me. Sir, I have been no craven; I fought it up stoutly; for after all, you know, God bless your honour! it is but a man to a man; but he has been too much for me.
"I've been waiting for a while, hoping daily for your return to this area. Old Warnes and his wife, who are looking after your house, tell me they can’t say when that will be or exactly where you are in England right now. As for me, misfortune has piled up so high that I need to make a decision (something definite) right away. Our squire, who I must admit treated me well at first—though I think that was partly out of spite toward Squire Underwood—has since decided to completely ruin me. Sir, I haven’t backed down; I fought back fiercely because, after all, you know, God bless you! it’s just one man against another; but he’s been too much for me."
"Perhaps if I were to ride over to the market-town and enquire of Munsle, your lawyer, he could tell me how to direct to you. But having hoped and waited o' this fashion, and all in vain, has put me upon other thoughts. I was in no hurry, sir, to apply to you; for I do not love to be a trouble to any body. I kept that for my last stake. Well, sir, and now that has failed me like, I am ashamed, as it were, to have thought of it. Have not I, thinks I, arms and legs as well as other people? I am driven out of house and home. Well, and what then? Sure I arn't a cabbage, that if you pull it out of the ground it must die. I am pennyless. True; and how many hundreds are there that live from hand to mouth all the days of their life? (Begging your honour's pardon) thinks I, if we little folks had but the wit to do for ourselves, the great folks would not be such maggotty changelings as they are. They would begin to look about them.
"Maybe if I rode over to the market town and asked Munsle, your lawyer, he could tell me how to reach you. But after hoping and waiting like this, all in vain, it’s led me to other thoughts. I wasn’t in a rush to come to you; I don’t like to be a bother to anyone. I saved that as my last option. Well, now that’s let me down too, I feel a bit ashamed for even thinking about it. Don’t I have arms and legs like everyone else? I’ve been kicked out of my home. And so what? I’m not a cabbage that just dies when you pull it out of the ground. I’m broke. True; but how many hundreds of people live hand to mouth every day? (Excuse me for saying this) but I think if we little folks could just figure things out for ourselves, the big shots wouldn’t be such spoiled brats as they are. They’d start to pay attention."
"But there is another thing that has swayed with me more than all the rest. I do not know how to tell you, sir,—My poor boy, my Leonard, the pride of my life, has been three weeks in the county jail. It is true indeed, sir. Squire Tyrrel put him there. Now, sir, every time that I lay my head upon my pillow under my own little roof, my heart smites me with the situation of my Leonard. I do not mean so much for the hardship; I do not so much matter that. I do not expect him to go through the world upon velvet! I am not such a fool. But who can tell what may hap in a jail! I have been three times to see him; and there is one man in the same quarter of the prison that looks so wicked! I do not much fancy the looks of the rest. To be sure, Leonard is as good a lad as ever lived. I think he will not give his mind to such. But come what will, I am determined he shall not stay among them twelve hours longer. I am an obstinate old fool perhaps; but I have taken it into my head, and I will do it. Do not ask me what. But, if I were to write to your honour, and wait for your answer, it might take a week or ten days more. I must not think of it!
"But there's something else that's affected me more than anything else. I don’t know how to explain it, sir—my poor boy, Leonard, the pride of my life, has been in county jail for three weeks. It's true, sir. Squire Tyrrel put him there. Now, sir, every time I lay my head on my pillow in my own little home, my heart aches for my Leonard's situation. It's not just the hardship; that doesn't bother me too much. I don't expect him to go through life on easy street! I'm not that naive. But who knows what might happen in a jail! I've visited him three times, and there’s one guy in his section of the prison who looks really dangerous! I’m not too fond of the looks of the others either. Of course, Leonard is as good a kid as they come. I believe he won’t get involved with those people. But no matter what happens, I’m determined he won’t stay among them for even an hour longer. I might be a stubborn old fool, but I’ve made up my mind, and I will do it. Don’t ask me how. But if I were to write to your honor and wait for a response, it could take another week or ten days. I can’t think about that!
"Squire Tyrrel is very headstrong, and you, your honour, might be a little hottish, or so. No, I would not have any body quarrel for me. There has been mischief enough done already; and I will get myself out of the way. So I write this, your honour, merely to unload my mind. I feel myself equally as much bound to respect and love you, as if you had done every thing for me, that I believe you would have done if things had chanced differently. It is most likely you will never hear of me any more. If it should be so, set your worthy heart at rest. I know myself too well, ever to be tempted to do any thing that is really bad. I have now my fortune to seek in the world. I have been used ill enough, God knows. But I bear no malice; my heart is at peace with all mankind; and I forgive every body. It is like enough that poor Leonard and I may have hardship enough to undergo, among strangers, and being obliged to hide ourselves like housebreakers or highwaymen. But I defy all the malice of fortune to make us do an ill thing. That consolation we will always keep against all the crosses of a heart-breaking world.
"Squire Tyrrel is really stubborn, and you, your honor, might be a bit hot-headed or something. No, I wouldn’t want anyone to fight my battles for me. There’s already been enough trouble, and I’ll just step aside. So I’m writing this, your honor, just to get my thoughts off my chest. I feel just as obligated to respect and care for you as if you had done everything for me that I believe you would have done if things had turned out differently. It's likely you won't hear from me again. If that’s the case, don’t worry about it. I know myself well enough to never be tempted to do anything truly wrong. I have my own fortune to find in the world. I've been treated badly enough, God knows. But I hold no grudges; my heart is at peace with everyone, and I forgive everybody. Leonard and I might have to face a lot of hardship among strangers, forced to hide like thieves or robbers. But I challenge any misfortune to make us do something wrong. That will be our comfort as we deal with all the struggles of a heart-breaking world."
"God bless you!
So prays,
Your honour's humble servant to command,
BENJAMIN HAWKINS."
"God bless you!
So I pray,
Your humble servant at your service,
BENJAMIN HAWKINS."
I read this letter with considerable attention, and it occasioned me many reflections. To my way of thinking it contained a very interesting picture of a blunt, downright, honest mind. "It is a melancholy consideration," said I to myself; "but such is man! To have judged from appearances one would have said, this is a fellow to have taken fortune's buffets and rewards with an incorruptible mind. And yet see where it all ends! This man was capable of afterwards becoming a murderer, and finished his life at the gallows. O poverty! thou art indeed omnipotent! Thou grindest us into desperation; thou confoundest all our boasted and most deep-rooted principles; thou fillest us to the very brim with malice and revenge, and renderest us capable of acts of unknown horror! May I never be visited by thee in the fulness of thy power!"
I read this letter carefully, and it gave me a lot to think about. To me, it painted a vivid picture of a straightforward, honest mind. "It's a sad thought," I said to myself, "but that's just how humans are! If you judged by appearances, you’d think this is someone who could handle life's ups and downs with unwavering integrity. And yet look where it all leads! This man was capable of becoming a murderer and ended up being hanged. Oh, poverty! You truly are all-powerful! You drive us to despair; you confuse all our proud and deeply-held beliefs; you fill us with bitterness and rage, making us capable of unspeakable horrors! I hope I never experience your full force!"
Having satisfied my curiosity with respect to this paper, I took care to dispose of it in such a manner as that it should be found by Mr. Falkland; at the same time that, in obedience to the principle which at present governed me with absolute dominion, I was willing that the way in which it offered itself to his attention should suggest to him the idea that it had possibly passed through my hands. The next morning I saw him, and I exerted myself to lead the conversation, which by this time I well knew how to introduce, by insensible degrees to the point I desired. After several previous questions, remarks, and rejoinders, I continued:—
Having satisfied my curiosity about this paper, I made sure to leave it in a way that Mr. Falkland would find it; at the same time, following the principle that currently guided me completely, I wanted to give him the impression that it might have come through my hands. The next morning, I met him, and I did my best to steer the conversation, which I had learned to introduce gradually to the point I wanted to reach. After several earlier questions, comments, and replies, I continued:—
"Well, sir, after all, I cannot help feeling very uncomfortably as to my ideas of human nature, when I find that there is no dependence to be placed upon its perseverance, and that, at least among the illiterate, the most promising appearances may end in the foulest disgrace."
"Well, sir, honestly, I can't shake this uncomfortable feeling about my views on human nature when I see that we can't truly rely on its consistency, and that, especially among the uneducated, the most promising signs can lead to the ugliest failures."
"You think, then, that literature and a cultivated mind are the only assurance for the constancy of our principles!"
"You think, then, that literature and a refined mind are the only guarantees for the stability of our principles!"
"Humph!--why do you suppose, sir, that learning and ingenuity do not often serve people rather to hide their crimes than to restrain them from committing them? History tells us strange things in that respect."
"Humph! Why do you think, sir, that knowledge and creativity often help people cover up their crimes instead of stopping them from committing them? History shows us some odd things about that."
"Williams," said Mr. Falkland, a little disturbed, "you are extremely given to censure and severity."
"Williams," Mr. Falkland said, a bit unsettled, "you are very quick to judge and criticize."
"I hope not. I am sure I am most fond of looking on the other side of the picture, and considering how many men have been aspersed, and even at some time or other almost torn to pieces by their fellow-creatures, whom, when properly understood, we find worthy of our reverence and love."
"I hope not. I really enjoy looking at the other side of things and thinking about how many men have been criticized and even nearly destroyed by their fellow humans, who, when we understand them better, we find are deserving of our respect and love."
"Indeed," replied Mr. Falkland, with a sigh, "when I consider these things I do not wonder at the dying exclamation of Brutus, 'O Virtue, I sought thee as a substance, but I find thee an empty name!' I am too much inclined to be of his opinion."
"Honestly," Mr. Falkland replied with a sigh, "when I think about these things, I can understand why Brutus cried out, 'O Virtue, I looked for you as something real, but you turn out to just be an empty name!' I tend to agree with him."
"Why, to be sure, sir, innocence and guilt are too much confounded in human life. I remember an affecting story of a poor man in the reign of Queen Elizabeth, who would have infallibly been hanged for murder upon the strength of circumstantial evidence, if the person really concerned had not been himself upon the jury and prevented it."
"Of course, sir, innocence and guilt are often mixed up in human life. I recall a touching story about a poor man during Queen Elizabeth’s reign, who would have definitely been hanged for murder based on circumstantial evidence, if the person truly involved hadn't been on the jury and stopped it."
In saying this I touched the spring that wakened madness in his mind. He came up to me with a ferocious countenance, as if determined to force me into a confession of my thoughts. A sudden pang however seemed to change his design! he drew back with trepidation, and exclaimed, "Detested be the universe, and the laws that govern it! Honour, justice, virtue, are all the juggle of knaves! If it were in my power I would instantly crush the whole system into nothing!"
In saying this, I triggered the insanity within him. He approached me with a fierce look, as if he was hell-bent on making me confess my thoughts. But suddenly, something seemed to shift his intention! He pulled back in fear and shouted, "Damn the universe and the laws that run it! Honor, justice, and virtue are all just tricks by con artists! If I could, I would crush the entire system to dust!"
I replied; "Oh, sir! things are not so bad as you imagine. The world was made for men of sense to do what they will with. Its affairs cannot be better than in the direction of the genuine heroes; and as in the end they will be found the truest friends of the whole, so the multitude have nothing to do but to look on, be fashioned, and admire."
I said, "Oh, sir! Things aren’t as bad as you think. The world was made for sensible people to do as they please with it. Its matters can’t be in better hands than those of genuine heroes, and in the end, they’ll be the best friends of everyone, while the masses just have to watch, be shaped, and admire."
Mr. Falkland made a powerful effort to recover his tranquillity. "Williams," said he, "you instruct me well. You have a right notion of things, and I have great hopes of you. I will be more of a man; I will forget the past, and do better for the time to come. The future, the future is always our own."
Mr. Falkland made a strong effort to regain his calm. "Williams," he said, "you teach me well. You have a good understanding of things, and I have high hopes for you. I will be a better man; I will forget the past and improve moving forward. The future, the future is always in our hands."
"I am sorry, sir, that I have given you pain. I am afraid to say all that I think. But it is my opinion that mistakes will ultimately be cleared up, justice done, and the true state of things come to light, in spite of the false colours that may for a time obscure it."
"I’m sorry, sir, that I’ve caused you pain. I’m hesitant to share everything I think. However, I believe that mistakes will eventually be resolved, justice will be served, and the real situation will be revealed, despite any misleading appearances that may hide it for a while."
The idea I suggested did not give Mr. Falkland the proper degree of delight. He suffered a temporary relapse. "Justice!"—he muttered. "I do not know what is justice. My case is not within the reach of common remedies; perhaps of none. I only know that I am miserable. I began life with the best intentions and the most fervid philanthropy; and here I am—miserable—miserable beyond expression or endurance."
The idea I suggested didn’t seem to delight Mr. Falkland as much as I hoped. He had a momentary breakdown. “Justice!” he muttered. “I don’t even know what justice is. My situation isn’t something common solutions can fix; maybe there’s no solution at all. All I know is that I’m miserable. I started life with the best intentions and the most passionate desire to help others; and here I am—miserable—miserable beyond words or tolerance.”
Having said this, he seemed suddenly to recollect himself, and re-assumed his accustomed dignity and command. "How came this conversation?" cried he. "Who gave you a right to be my confidant? Base, artful wretch that you are! learn to be more respectful! Are my passions to be wound and unwound by an insolent domestic? Do you think I will be an instrument to be played on at your pleasure, till you have extorted all the treasures of my soul? Begone, and fear lest you be made to pay for the temerity you have already committed!"
Having said that, he suddenly seemed to regain his composure and took back his usual dignity and authority. "How did this conversation start?" he shouted. "Who gave you the right to be my confidant? You lowly, scheming wretch! Learn to be more respectful! Am I just a toy for you to manipulate at your convenience, so you can squeeze out all the treasures of my soul? Get out of here, and watch out—you might end up paying for the audacity you've already shown!"
There was an energy and determination in the gestures with which these words were accompanied, that did not admit of their being disputed. My mouth was closed; I felt as if deprived of all share of activity, and was only able silently and passively to quit the apartment.
There was a strong energy and determination in the gestures that accompanied those words, which made it impossible to argue against them. I was left speechless; I felt completely stripped of any ability to act and could only silently and passively leave the room.
CHAPTER III.
Two days subsequent to this conversation, Mr. Falkland ordered me to be called to him. [I shall continue to speak in my narrative of the silent, as well as the articulate part of the intercourse between us. His countenance was habitually animated and expressive, much beyond that of any other man I have seen. The curiosity which, as I have said, constituted my ruling passion, stimulated me to make it my perpetual study. It will also most probably happen, while I am thus employed in collecting the scattered incidents of my history, that I shall upon some occasions annex to appearances an explanation which I was far from possessing at the time, and was only suggested to me through the medium of subsequent events.]
Two days after that conversation, Mr. Falkland had me called to him. [I’ll continue to describe both the silent and spoken parts of our interactions. His expression was usually lively and expressive, much more so than any other man I’ve encountered. My curiosity, which I’ve mentioned as my main drive, pushed me to make it a constant study. It’s also likely that while I’m gathering the scattered events of my life, I’ll sometimes add explanations to things that I didn’t understand at the time, which only came to me through later events.]
When I entered the apartment, I remarked in Mr. Falkland's countenance an unwonted composure. This composure however did not seem to result from internal ease, but from an effort which, while he prepared himself for an interesting scene, was exerted to prevent his presence of mind, and power of voluntary action, from suffering any diminution.
When I walked into the apartment, I noticed an unusual calmness on Mr. Falkland's face. However, this calmness didn't seem to come from inner peace; instead, it seemed like he was making an effort to keep his composure intact while getting ready for an intense situation, trying to ensure that his clarity of thought and ability to act freely didn’t fade at all.
"Williams," said he, "I am determined, whatever it may cost me, to have an explanation with you. You are a rash and inconsiderate boy, and have given me much disturbance. You ought to have known that, though I allow you to talk with me upon indifferent subjects, it is very improper in you to lead the conversation to any thing that relates to my personal concerns. You have said many things lately in a very mysterious way, and appear to know something more than I am aware of. I am equally at a loss to guess how you came by your knowledge, as of what it consists. But I think I perceive too much inclination on your part to trifle with my peace of mind. That ought not to be, nor have I deserved any such treatment from you. But, be that as it will, the guesses in which you oblige me to employ myself are too painful. It is a sort of sporting with my feelings, which, as a man of resolution, I am determined to bring to an end. I expect you therefore to lay aside all mystery and equivocation, and inform me explicitly what it is upon which your allusions are built. What is it you know? What is it you want? I have been too much exposed already to unparalleled mortification and hardship, and my wounds will not bear this perpetual tampering."
"Williams," he said, "I’m determined, no matter what it costs me, to have a conversation with you. You’re a reckless and thoughtless kid, and you’ve caused me a lot of trouble. You should have known that while I let you talk to me about casual topics, it’s very inappropriate for you to steer the conversation toward anything personal in my life. You’ve said a lot of things lately in a very cryptic way, and it seems like you know something I don’t. I’m just as confused about how you got your information as I am about what it even is. But I feel like you’re too inclined to mess with my peace of mind. That shouldn’t be the case, and I don’t deserve this kind of treatment from you. Regardless, the speculation you force me to engage in is too painful. It’s like playing with my feelings, and as a determined man, I’m resolved to put an end to it. So I expect you to drop all this mystery and ambiguity and tell me directly what your hints are based on. What do you know? What do you want? I’ve already faced too much humiliation and hardship, and I can’t handle this constant meddling."
"I feel, sir," answered I, "how wrong I have been, and am ashamed that such a one as I should have given you all this trouble and displeasure. I felt it at the time; but I have been hurried along, I do not know how. I have always tried to stop myself, but the demon that possessed me was too strong for me. I know nothing, sir, but what Mr. Collins told me. He told me the story of Mr. Tyrrel and Miss Melville and Hawkins. I am sure, sir, he said nothing but what was to your honour, and proved you to be more an angel than a man."
"I realize now, sir," I replied, "how wrong I’ve been, and I’m embarrassed that someone like me caused you so much trouble and upset. I felt it back then, but I was swept along in a way I can’t explain. I’ve always tried to hold myself back, but the force driving me was too strong. I don’t know anything, sir, except what Mr. Collins told me. He shared the story of Mr. Tyrrel, Miss Melville, and Hawkins. I’m sure, sir, he only spoke with your honor in mind and showed that you’re more of an angel than a man."
"Well, sir: I found a letter written by that Hawkins the other day; did not that letter fall into your hands? Did not you read it?"
"Well, sir: I found a letter written by that Hawkins the other day; didn't that letter come into your hands? Didn't you read it?"
"For God's sake, sir, turn me out of your house. Punish me in some way or other, that I may forgive myself. I am a foolish, wicked, despicable wretch. I confess, sir, I did read the letter."
"For heaven's sake, sir, please kick me out of your house. Punish me somehow so that I can forgive myself. I'm a foolish, wicked, despicable wretch. I admit, sir, I did read the letter."
"And how dared you read it? It was indeed very wrong of you. But we will talk of that by and by. Well, and what did you say to the letter? You know it seems, that Hawkins was hanged."
"And how could you read it? That was really out of line. But we'll get to that later. So, what did you think about the letter? You know it turns out that Hawkins was executed."
"I say, sir? why it went to my heart to read it. I say, as I said the day before yesterday, that when I see a man of so much principle afterwards deliberately proceeding to the very worst of crimes, I can scarcely bear to think of it."
"I mean, sir? It really hit me hard to read it. I stand by what I said the day before yesterday: when I see a man of such strong principles later choosing to commit the worst crimes, I can hardly handle the thought."
"That is what you say? It seems too you know—accursed remembrance!--that I was accused of this crime?"
"Is that what you’re saying? It feels like—this awful memory!—that I was blamed for this crime?"
I was silent.
I stayed quiet.
"Well, sir. You know too, perhaps, that from the hour the crime was committed—yes, sir, that was the date [and as he said this, there was somewhat frightful, I had almost said diabolical, in his countenance]—I have not had an hour's peace; I became changed from the happiest to the most miserable thing that lives; sleep has fled from my eyes; joy has been a stranger to my thoughts; and annihilation I should prefer a thousand times to the being that I am. As soon as I was capable of a choice, I chose honour and the esteem of mankind as a good I preferred to all others. You know, it seems, in how many ways my ambition has been disappointed,—I do not thank Collins for having been the historian of my disgrace,—would to God that night could be blotted from the memory of man!--But the scene of that night, instead of perishing, has been a source of ever new calamity to me, which must flow for ever! Am I then, thus miserable and ruined, a proper subject upon which for you to exercise your ingenuity, and improve your power of tormenting? Was it not enough that I was publicly dishonoured? that I was deprived, by the pestilential influence of some demon, of the opportunity of avenging my dishonour? No: in addition to this, I have been charged with having in this critical moment intercepted my own vengeance by the foulest of crimes. That trial is past. Misery itself has nothing worse in store for me, except what you have inflicted: the seeming to doubt of my innocence, which, after the fullest and most solemn examination, has been completely established. You have forced me to this explanation. You have extorted from me a confidence which I had no inclination to make. But it is a part of the misery of my situation, that I am at the mercy of every creature, however little, who feels himself inclined to sport with my distress. Be content. You have brought me low enough."
"Well, sir. You probably know that from the moment the crime happened—yes, sir, that was the date [and as he said this, there was something quite terrifying, I would almost say evil, in his expression]—I have not had a moment's peace; I transformed from the happiest person into the most miserable being alive; sleep has escaped me; joy has been a stranger to my thoughts; and I would prefer annihilation a thousand times over to the existence I lead now. Once I was capable of making a choice, I chose honor and the respect of others as the most important thing, better than anything else. You know how many ways my ambition has been crushed—I don’t thank Collins for being the chronicler of my disgrace—I wish that night could be erased from everyone’s memory! But instead of fading, the memory of that night has become a never-ending source of suffering for me. Am I really such a miserable and ruined person that you need to test your creativity and increase my torment? Was it not enough that I was publicly shamed? That I was robbed, by some vile influence, of the chance to avenge my dishonor? No: on top of that, I’ve been accused of committing the foulest of crimes at this crucial moment. That trial is over. Misery itself has nothing worse to offer me except what you have inflicted: the mere doubt of my innocence, which has been completely proven after the most thorough and serious examination. You’ve forced me into this explanation. You’ve extracted a confession that I never wanted to make. But that’s part of my misery; I’m at the mercy of anyone, no matter how small, who feels inclined to toy with my suffering. Be satisfied. You’ve brought me down far enough."
"Oh, sir, I am not content; I cannot be content! I cannot bear to think what I have done. I shall never again be able to look in the face of the best of masters and the best of men. I beg of you, sir, to turn me out of your service. Let me go and hide myself where I may never see you more."
"Oh, sir, I'm not happy; I can't be happy! I can't stand thinking about what I've done. I'll never be able to look the best of masters and the best of men in the eye again. Please, sir, let me leave your service. Allow me to go and hide so that I never have to see you again."
Mr. Falkland's countenance had indicated great severity through the whole of this conversation; but now it became more harsh and tempestuous than ever. "How now, rascal!" cried he. "You want to leave me, do you? Who told you that I wished to part with you? But you cannot bear to live with such a miserable wretch as I am! You are not disposed to put up with the caprices of a man so dissatisfied and unjust!"
Mr. Falkland's face had shown real harshness throughout this entire conversation, but now it looked even more severe and stormy than before. "What’s going on, you scoundrel!" he shouted. "You want to leave me, huh? Who said I wanted to get rid of you? But you can't stand to be around such a miserable person like me! You're not willing to put up with the whims of someone so unhappy and unfair!"
"Oh, sir! do not talk to me thus! Do with me any thing you will. Kill me if you please."
"Oh, sir! Please don't talk to me like that! Do whatever you want with me. You can even kill me if you want."
"Kill you!" [Volumes could not describe the emotions with which this echo of my words was given and received.]
"Kill you!" [Words can't capture the emotions that came with this echo of my words, both in saying it and hearing it.]
"Sir, I could die to serve you! I love you more than I can express. I worship you as a being of a superior nature. I am foolish, raw, inexperienced,—worse than any of these;—but never did a thought of disloyalty to your service enter into my heart."
"Sir, I would do anything to serve you! I love you more than I can say. I admire you as someone extraordinary. I’m foolish, naive, inexperienced—worse than any of that—but never has a disloyal thought towards your service crossed my mind."
Here our conversation ended; and the impression it made upon my youthful mind it is impossible to describe. I thought with astonishment, even with rapture, of the attention and kindness towards me I discovered in Mr. Falkland, through all the roughness of his manner. I could never enough wonder at finding myself, humble as I was by my birth, obscure as I had hitherto been, thus suddenly become of so much importance to the happiness of one of the most enlightened and accomplished men in England. But this consciousness attached me to my patron more eagerly than ever, and made me swear a thousand times, as I meditated upon my situation, that I would never prove unworthy of so generous a protector.
Here our conversation ended, and it’s impossible to describe the impression it left on my young mind. I thought with astonishment, even with joy, about the attention and kindness I experienced from Mr. Falkland, despite his rough manner. I could never stop being amazed that, humble as I was by my background, and as obscure as I had been until then, I had suddenly become so important to the happiness of one of the most knowledgeable and accomplished men in England. This awareness made me feel more connected to my benefactor than ever before and led me to promise countless times, as I reflected on my situation, that I would never be unworthy of such a generous protector.
CHAPTER IV.
Is it not unaccountable that, in the midst of all my increased veneration for my patron, the first tumult of my emotion was scarcely subsided, before the old question that had excited my conjectures recurred to my mind, Was he the murderer? It was a kind of fatal impulse, that seemed destined to hurry me to my destruction. I did not wonder at the disturbance that was given to Mr. Falkland by any allusion, however distant, to this fatal affair. That was as completely accounted for from the consideration of his excessive sensibility in matters of honour, as it would have been upon the supposition of the most atrocious guilt. Knowing, as he did, that such a charge had once been connected with his name, he would of course be perpetually uneasy, and suspect some latent insinuation at every possible opportunity. He would doubt and fear, lest every man with whom he conversed harboured the foulest suspicion against him. In my case he found that I was in possession of some information, more than he was aware of, without its being possible for him to decide to what it amounted, whether I had heard a just or unjust, a candid or calumniatory tale. He had also reason to suppose that I gave entertainment to thoughts derogatory to his honour, and that I did not form that favourable judgment, which the exquisite refinement of his ruling passion made indispensable to his peace. All these considerations would of course maintain in him a state of perpetual uneasiness. But, though I could find nothing that I could consider as justifying me in persisting in the shadow of a doubt, yet, as I have said, the uncertainty and restlessness of my contemplations would by no means depart from me.
Isn't it strange that, despite my growing admiration for my patron, the initial wave of my emotions had barely faded before the old question that had piqued my curiosity came back to me: Was he the murderer? It felt like a kind of fatal pull that seemed determined to lead me to my downfall. I understood why Mr. Falkland was so disturbed by any mention, however slight, of this tragic event. His extreme sensitivity regarding honor completely explained his reaction, as much as it would have if he were actually guilty of something terrible. He knew that such an accusation had once been linked to him, so it made sense that he would always feel uneasy and suspect some hidden implication at every chance. He would doubt and fear that everyone he spoke to might hold the worst suspicions about him. In my case, he realized I had some information that he wasn't fully aware of, but he couldn't figure out what I really knew—whether I had heard a true or false account, or a fair or slanderous story. He also had reason to believe that I entertained thoughts that tarnished his honor and that I didn't hold the kind of favorable view that his sensitive nature required for his peace of mind. All these factors would naturally keep him in a constant state of anxiety. Yet, even though I couldn't find anything that justified my lingering doubt, as I mentioned, the uncertainty and restlessness of my thoughts just wouldn't go away.
The fluctuating state of my mind produced a contention of opposite principles, that by turns usurped dominion over my conduct. Sometimes I was influenced by the most complete veneration for my master; I placed an unreserved confidence in his integrity and his virtue, and implicitly surrendered my understanding for him to set it to what point he pleased. At other times the confidence, which had before flowed with the most plenteous tide, began to ebb; I was, as I had already been, watchful, inquisitive, suspicious, full of a thousand conjectures as to the meaning of the most indifferent actions. Mr. Falkland, who was most painfully alive to every thing that related to his honour, saw these variations, and betrayed his consciousness of them now in one manner, and now in another, frequently before I was myself aware, sometimes almost before they existed. The situation of both was distressing; we were each of us a plague to the other; and I often wondered, that the forbearance and benignity of my master was not at length exhausted, and that he did not determine to thrust from him for ever so incessant an observer. There was indeed one eminent difference between his share in the transaction and mine. I had some consolation in the midst of my restlessness. Curiosity is a principle that carries its pleasures, as well as its pains, along with it. The mind is urged by a perpetual stimulus; it seems as if it were continually approaching to the end of its race; and as the insatiable desire of satisfaction is its principle of conduct, so it promises itself in that satisfaction an unknown gratification, which seems as if it were capable of fully compensating any injuries that may be suffered in the career. But to Mr. Falkland there was no consolation. What he endured in the intercourse between us appeared to be gratuitous evil. He had only to wish that there was no such person as myself in the world, and to curse the hour when his humanity led him to rescue me from my obscurity, and place me in his service.
The constantly changing state of my mind created a conflict of opposing principles that alternately took control of my behavior. Sometimes I felt complete respect for my master; I trusted his integrity and virtue completely, surrendering my own judgment for him to direct as he wished. Other times, the confidence that had once flowed freely began to fade; I became watchful, curious, suspicious, filled with countless theories about the meaning of the most trivial actions. Mr. Falkland, who was acutely aware of anything related to his honor, noticed these changes and revealed his awareness in different ways, often before I even realized it, sometimes almost before they happened. Our situation was painful; we were both a burden to each other. I often wondered how my master could remain patient and compassionate and why he didn’t decide to get rid of such a constant observer. There was, however, one significant difference between his experience and mine. I found some comfort amidst my restlessness. Curiosity carries its own pleasures along with its pains. My mind was driven by a constant stimulus; it felt like it was always nearing the end of its race, and as the relentless desire for satisfaction guided me, I promised myself that this satisfaction would bring an unknown pleasure that could make up for any suffering along the way. But for Mr. Falkland, there was no comfort. What he endured in our interactions seemed like unnecessary suffering. He simply had to wish that I didn’t exist and curse the moment his kindness led him to pull me from my obscurity and bring me into his service.
A consequence produced upon me by the extraordinary nature of my situation it is necessary to mention. The constant state of vigilance and suspicion in which my mind was retained, worked a very rapid change in my character. It seemed to have all the effect that might have been expected from years of observation and experience. The strictness with which I endeavoured to remark what passed in the mind of one man, and the variety of conjectures into which I was led, appeared, as it were, to render me a competent adept in the different modes in which the human intellect displays its secret workings. I no longer said to myself, as I had done in the beginning, "I will ask Mr. Falkland whether he were the murderer." On the contrary, after having carefully examined the different kinds of evidence of which the subject was susceptible, and recollecting all that had already passed upon the subject, it was not without considerable pain, that I felt myself unable to discover any way in which I could be perfectly and unalterably satisfied of my patron's innocence. As to his guilt, I could scarcely bring myself to doubt that in some way or other, sooner or later, I should arrive at the knowledge of that, if it really existed. But I could not endure to think, almost for a moment, of that side of the alternative as true; and with all my ungovernable suspicion arising from the mysteriousness of the circumstances, and all the delight which a young and unfledged mind receives from ideas that give scope to all that imagination can picture of terrible or sublime, I could not yet bring myself to consider Mr. Falkland's guilt as a supposition attended with the remotest probability.
I need to mention a consequence that my extraordinary situation produced in me. The constant state of vigilance and suspicion kept my mind on edge and led to a rapid change in my character. It felt like I was experiencing the kind of effects you might expect from years of observation and experience. The strictness with which I tried to understand what was going on in one person’s mind, and the range of theories I developed, seemed to make me quite skilled at recognizing the different ways the human mind reveals its hidden workings. I no longer thought, as I did at the start, "I’ll ask Mr. Falkland if he was the murderer." Instead, after thoroughly examining the various types of evidence related to the case and recalling everything that had happened so far, I felt a significant pain in realizing I couldn't find any way to be completely and permanently assured of my patron's innocence. As for his guilt, I could hardly shake the feeling that sooner or later, I would find out if it existed. But I couldn’t bear to think, even for a moment, of that possibility as true; and despite all my overwhelming suspicion stemming from the mysterious circumstances, along with the thrill a young mind experiences from thoughts that allow imagination to run wild with ideas that are terrifying or awe-inspiring, I still couldn’t make myself believe that Mr. Falkland's guilt was even remotely likely.
I hope the reader will forgive me for dwelling thus long on preliminary circumstances. I shall come soon enough to the story of my own misery. I have already said, that one of the motives which induced me to the penning of this narrative, was to console myself in my insupportable distress. I derive a melancholy pleasure from dwelling upon the circumstances which imperceptibly paved the way to my ruin. While I recollect or describe past scenes, which occurred in a more favourable period of my life, my attention is called off for a short interval, from the hopeless misfortune in which I am at present involved. The man must indeed possess an uncommon portion of hardness of heart, who can envy me so slight a relief.—To proceed.
I hope the reader will forgive me for spending so much time on the background. I'll get to the story of my own misery soon enough. As I mentioned, one of the reasons I started writing this narrative was to find some comfort in my unbearable suffering. I take a bittersweet pleasure in reflecting on the circumstances that slowly led to my downfall. As I remember or describe moments from a better time in my life, I momentarily distract myself from the hopeless situation I’m currently in. It takes a truly cold-hearted person to envy me for such a small escape.—To continue.
For some time after the explanation which had thus taken place between me and Mr. Falkland, his melancholy, instead of being in the slightest degree diminished by the lenient hand of time, went on perpetually to increase. His fits of insanity—for such I must denominate them for want of a distinct appellation, though it is possible they might not fall under the definition that either the faculty or the court of chancery appropriate to the term—became stronger and more durable than ever. It was no longer practicable wholly to conceal them from the family, and even from the neighbourhood. He would sometimes, without any previous notice, absent himself from his house for two or three days, unaccompanied by servant or attendant. This was the more extraordinary, as it was well known that he paid no visits, nor kept up any sort of intercourse with the gentlemen of the vicinity. But it was impossible that a man of Mr. Falkland's distinction and fortune should long continue in such a practice, without its being discovered what was become of him; though a considerable part of our county was among the wildest and most desolate districts that are to be found in South Britain. Mr. Falkland was sometimes seen climbing among the rocks, reclining motionless for hours together upon the edge of a precipice, or lulled into a kind of nameless lethargy of despair by the dashing of the torrents. He would remain for whole nights together under the naked cope of heaven, inattentive to the consideration either of place or time; insensible to the variations of the weather, or rather seeming to be delighted with that uproar of the elements, which partially called off his attention from the discord and dejection that occupied his own mind.
For a while after my conversation with Mr. Falkland, his sadness didn’t lighten at all with time; in fact, it just got worse. His moments of madness—though I must call them that since there isn’t a better term, even if they might not fit what professionals or the court define as such—became more intense and prolonged than ever. It was no longer possible to keep them completely hidden from his family or even the neighbors. He would sometimes leave his house without notice for two or three days, without any staff or companions. This was particularly strange since everyone knew he didn't visit anyone or maintain relationships with the local gentlemen. But it was inevitable that a man of Mr. Falkland's status and wealth wouldn't be able to keep up this behavior without people figuring out what happened to him, even though a lot of our county was one of the wildest and most desolate areas in southern Britain. Mr. Falkland was occasionally spotted climbing on the rocks, lying still for hours at the edge of a cliff, or lost in a sort of nameless despair, lulled by the sound of rushing waters. He would spend entire nights under the open sky, oblivious to where he was or what time it was; unaffected by the changing weather, or rather seeming to take pleasure in the chaos of the elements, which distracted him from the turmoil and sadness in his own mind.
At first, when we received intelligence at any time of the place to which Mr. Falkland had withdrawn himself, some person of his household, Mr. Collins or myself, but most generally myself, as I was always at home, and always, in the received sense of the word, at leisure, went to him to persuade him to return. But, after a few experiments, we thought it advisable to desist, and leave him to prolong his absence, or to terminate it, as might happen to suit his own inclination. Mr. Collins, whose grey hairs and long services seemed to give him a sort of right to be importunate, sometimes succeeded; though even in that case there was nothing that could sit more uneasily upon Mr. Falkland than this insinuation as if he wanted a guardian to take care of him, or as if he were in, or in danger of falling into, a state in which he would be incapable of deliberately controlling his own words and actions. At one time he would suddenly yield to his humble, venerable friend, murmuring grievously at the constraint that was put upon him, but without spirit enough even to complain of it with energy. At another time, even though complying, he would suddenly burst out in a paroxysm of resentment. Upon these occasions there was something inconceivably, savagely terrible in his anger, that gave to the person against whom it was directed the most humiliating and insupportable sensations. Me he always treated, at these times, with fierceness, and drove me from him with a vehemence lofty, emphatical, and sustained, beyond any thing of which I should have thought human nature to be capable. These sallies seemed always to constitute a sort of crisis in his indisposition; and, whenever he was induced to such a premature return, he would fall immediately after into a state of the most melancholy inactivity, in which he usually continued for two or three days. It was by an obstinate fatality that, whenever I saw Mr. Falkland in these deplorable situations, and particularly when I lighted upon him after having sought him among the rocks and precipices, pale, emaciated, solitary, and haggard, the suggestion would continually recur to me, in spite of inclination, in spite of persuasion, and in spite of evidence, Surely this man is a murderer!
At first, whenever we got word of where Mr. Falkland had secluded himself, either Mr. Collins or I would go to him—most often me, since I was always at home and typically had free time—to try to convince him to come back. However, after a few attempts, we decided it was best to stop and let him choose whether to extend or end his absence as it suited him. Mr. Collins, because of his gray hair and long service, had a sort of right to be persistent, and sometimes he was successful; even then, Mr. Falkland seemed uncomfortable with the idea that he needed someone to look after him or that he might be falling into a state where he couldn’t control his own words and actions. At one moment, he would suddenly give in to his elderly friend, grumbling about the pressure, yet lacking the spirit to truly complain. At another, even while complying, he would suddenly explode in a fit of anger. During these moments, there was something shockingly and fiercely terrifying about his rage that made anyone on the receiving end feel utterly humiliated and overwhelmed. He always treated me with hostility during these times, driving me away with an intensity and vigor that seemed beyond what human nature could achieve. These outbursts seemed to mark a sort of crisis in his distress; whenever he was persuaded to come back too soon, he would soon
CHAPTER V.
It was in one of the lucid intervals, as I may term them, that occurred during this period, that a peasant was brought before him, in his character of a justice of peace, upon an accusation of having murdered his fellow. As Mr. Falkland had by this time acquired the repute of a melancholy valetudinarian, it is probable he would not have been called upon to act in his official character upon the present occasion, had it not been that two or three of the neighbouring justices were all of them from home at once, so that he was the only one to be found in a circuit of many miles. The reader however must not imagine, though I have employed the word insanity in describing Mr. Falkland's symptoms, that he was by any means reckoned for a madman by the generality of those who had occasion to observe him. It is true that his behaviour, at certain times, was singular and unaccountable; but then, at other times, there was in it so much dignity, regularity, and economy; he knew so well how to command and make himself respected; his actions and carriage were so condescending, considerate, and benevolent, that, far from having forfeited the esteem of the unfortunate or the many, they were loud and earnest in his praises.
It was during one of those clear moments, as I like to call them, that a peasant was brought before him, in his role as a justice of the peace, on a charge of murdering another man. By this time, Mr. Falkland had gained a reputation as a sad and sickly man, and it's likely he wouldn't have been asked to fulfill his official duties that day if it weren't for the fact that two or three of the nearby justices were all away at the same time, leaving him as the only one available for many miles. However, the reader shouldn't think that just because I used the word insanity to describe Mr. Falkland's symptoms, he was generally seen as a madman by those who had the chance to observe him. It's true that his behavior at times was strange and hard to understand; but at other times, he exhibited such dignity, order, and thoughtfulness. He knew how to command respect and was often seen as kind, considerate, and generous, so instead of losing the esteem of the unfortunate or the general public, they were quite vocal and sincere in their admiration for him.
I was present at the examination of this peasant. The moment I heard of the errand which had brought this rabble of visitors, a sudden thought struck me. I conceived the possibility of rendering the incident subordinate to the great enquiry which drank up all the currents of my soul. I said, this man is arraigned of murder, and murder is the master-key that wakes distemper in the mind of Mr. Falkland. I will watch him without remission. I will trace all the mazes of his thought. Surely at such a time his secret anguish must betray itself. Surely, if it be not my own fault, I shall now be able to discover the state of his plea before the tribunal of unerring justice.
I was there for the examination of this peasant. The moment I heard about the reason behind this group of visitors, a sudden idea came to me. I realized I could make this incident part of the greater inquiry that consumed my entire being. I thought, this man is accused of murder, and murder is the key that unlocks the turmoil in Mr. Falkland's mind. I will observe him closely. I will follow every twist and turn of his thoughts. Surely, at such a moment, his hidden pain will reveal itself. If it’s not my own fault, I should be able to uncover the state of his case before the court of undeniable justice.
I took my station in a manner most favourable to the object upon which my mind was intent. I could perceive in Mr. Falkland's features, as he entered, a strong reluctance to the business in which he was engaged; but there was no possibility of retreating. His countenance was embarrassed and anxious; he scarcely saw any body. The examination had not proceeded far, before he chanced to turn his eye to the part of the room where I was. It happened in this as in some preceding instances—we exchanged a silent look, by which we told volumes to each other. Mr. Falkland's complexion turned from red to pale, and from pale to red. I perfectly understood his feelings, and would willingly have withdrawn myself. But it was impossible; my passions were too deeply engaged; I was rooted to the spot; though my own life, that of my master, or almost of a whole nation had been at stake, I had no power to change my position.
I positioned myself in a way that was best for the task I was focused on. When Mr. Falkland walked in, I could see he was deeply reluctant about what he was there to do; but there was no way to back out. His face showed signs of embarrassment and anxiety; he hardly noticed anyone around him. The questioning hadn’t gone on for long when he glanced over at me. This was similar to some earlier moments—we exchanged a look that conveyed so much between us. Mr. Falkland's face changed from red to pale, and then back to red again. I understood exactly how he felt, and I would have preferred to step away. But it was impossible; my emotions were too intensely involved; I felt stuck where I was, even if my life, my master's life, or the fate of an entire nation was on the line—I couldn’t change my position.
The first surprise however having subsided, Mr. Falkland assumed a look of determined constancy, and even seemed to increase in self-possession much beyond what could have been expected from his first entrance. This he could probably have maintained, had it not been that the scene, instead of being permanent, was in some sort perpetually changing. The man who was brought before him was vehemently accused by the brother of the deceased as having acted from the most rooted malice. He swore that there had been an old grudge between the parties, and related several instances of it. He affirmed that the murderer had sought the earliest opportunity of wreaking his revenge; had struck the first blow; and, though the contest was in appearance only a common boxing match, had watched the occasion of giving a fatal stroke, which was followed by the instant death of his antagonist.
Once the initial shock wore off, Mr. Falkland took on an expression of strong determination and even seemed to become more composed than anyone would have expected from his arrival. He could have likely kept this up if it weren't for the fact that the situation was constantly evolving. The man standing before him was fiercely accused by the deceased's brother of harboring deep-seated malice. He claimed there was a long-standing feud between the two and recounted several examples of it. He insisted that the murderer had looked for the first chance to get his revenge; had thrown the first punch; and, although it looked like just a typical boxing match, had been waiting for the right moment to deliver a fatal blow, resulting in his opponent's immediate death.
While the accuser was giving in his evidence, the accused discovered every token of the most poignant sensibility. At one time his features were convulsed with anguish; tears unbidden trickled down his manly cheeks; and at another he started with apparent astonishment at the unfavourable turn that was given to the narrative, though without betraying any impatience to interrupt. I never saw a man less ferocious in his appearance. He was tall, well made, and comely. His countenance was ingenuous and benevolent, without folly. By his side stood a young woman, his sweetheart, extremely agreeable in her person, and her looks testifying how deeply she interested herself in the fate of her lover. The accidental spectators were divided, between indignation against the enormity of the supposed criminal, and compassion for the poor girl that accompanied him. They seemed to take little notice of the favourable appearances visible in the person of the accused, till, in the sequel, those appearances were more forcibly suggested to their attention. For Mr. Falkland, he was at one moment engrossed by curiosity and earnestness to investigate the tale, while at another he betrayed a sort of revulsion of sentiment, which made the investigation too painful for him to support.
While the accuser presented his evidence, the accused showed every sign of deep sensitivity. At one moment, his face was twisted in anguish; tears streamed down his manly cheeks without his control; and at another, he appeared shocked by the negative turn in the story, though he didn’t show any impatience to interrupt. I had never seen a man look less fierce. He was tall, well-built, and handsome. His face was honest and kind, without any foolishness. Next to him stood a young woman, his sweetheart, who was very attractive, and her expressions revealed how deeply she cared about her lover's fate. The onlookers were split between anger at the supposed criminal’s actions and sympathy for the poor girl who was with him. They seemed to overlook the positive traits evident in the accused until, eventually, those traits were brought more forcefully to their attention. Mr. Falkland was at one moment intensely curious and eager to investigate the story, while at another he showed a kind of emotional withdrawal that made the inquiry too painful for him to bear.
When the accused was called upon for his defence, he readily owned the misunderstanding that had existed, and that the deceased was the worst enemy he had in the world. Indeed he was his only enemy, and he could not tell the reason that had made him so. He had employed every effort to overcome his animosity, but in vain. The deceased had upon all occasions sought to mortify him, and do him an ill turn; but he had resolved never to be engaged in a broil with him, and till this day he had succeeded. If he had met with a misfortune with any other man, people at least might have thought it accident; but now it would always be believed that he had acted from secret malice and a bad heart.
When the accused was asked to defend himself, he openly admitted to the misunderstanding that had existed and acknowledged that the deceased was his worst enemy in the world. In fact, he was his only enemy, and he couldn't explain what had caused that. He had tried everything to put aside his animosity, but it was pointless. The deceased had always tried to humiliate him and harm him, but he had made up his mind never to get into a fight with him, and up until now, he had managed to stick to that. If he had faced misfortune with anyone else, people might have thought it was an accident; but now it would always be assumed that he acted out of hidden malice and a bad heart.
The fact was, that he and his sweetheart had gone to a neighbouring fair, where this man had met them. The man had often tried to affront him; and his passiveness, interpreted into cowardice, had perhaps encouraged the other to additional rudeness. Finding that he had endured trivial insults to himself with an even temper, the deceased now thought proper to turn his brutality upon the young woman that accompanied him. He pursued them; he endeavoured in various manners to harass and vex them; they had sought in vain to shake him off. The young woman was considerably terrified. The accused expostulated with their persecutor, and asked him how he could be so barbarous as to persist in frightening a woman? He replied with an insulting tone, "Then the woman should find some one able to protect her; people that encouraged and trusted to such a thief as that, deserved no better!" The accused tried every expedient he could invent; at length he could endure it no longer; he became exasperated, and challenged the assailant. The challenge was accepted; a ring was formed; he confided the care of his sweetheart to a bystander; and unfortunately the first blow he struck proved fatal.
The truth was that he and his girlfriend had gone to a nearby fair, where this guy had confronted them. The guy had often tried to provoke him, and his calmness, seen as weakness, may have encouraged the other to be even ruder. After realizing that he had put up with petty insults without getting upset, the deceased thought it was now okay to direct his aggression toward the young woman with him. He followed them and tried in various ways to annoy and upset them; they had tried unsuccessfully to get rid of him. The young woman was quite scared. The accused confronted their attacker and asked how he could be so cruel as to keep frightening a woman. He responded in a disrespectful tone, "Then the woman should find someone who can protect her; people who encourage and trust a thief like that don't deserve any better!" The accused tried everything he could think of, but eventually, he couldn't take it anymore; he got angry and challenged the attacker. The challenge was accepted; a circle was formed; he entrusted the care of his girlfriend to someone nearby; and unfortunately, the first blow he threw turned out to be fatal.
The accused added, that he did not care what became of him. He had been anxious to go through the world in an inoffensive manner, and now he had the guilt of blood upon him. He did not know but it would be kindness in them to hang him out of the way; for his conscience would reproach him as long as he lived, and the figure of the deceased, as he had lain senseless and without motion at his feet, would perpetually haunt him. The thought of this man, at one moment full of life and vigour, and the next lifted a helpless corpse from the ground, and all owing to him, was a thought too dreadful to be endured. He had loved the poor maiden, who had been the innocent occasion of this, with all his heart; but from this time he should never support the sight of her. The sight would bring a tribe of fiends in its rear. One unlucky minute had poisoned all his hopes, and made life a burden to him. Saying this, his countenance fell, the muscles of his face trembled with agony, and he looked the statue of despair.
The accused said he didn’t care what happened to him. He had always tried to get through life without causing harm, and now he carried the guilt of having taken a life. He wondered if it would be merciful for them to hang him, as his conscience would torment him forever, and the image of the deceased, lying senseless and motionless at his feet, would always haunt him. The thought of this man, full of life and energy one moment, and then suddenly a lifeless body at his feet—completely because of him—was a thought that was too horrifying to bear. He had loved the poor girl, who was the innocent cause of all this, with all his heart, but from now on, he couldn’t face seeing her. Just the sight of her would unleash a swarm of demons within him. One fateful minute had ruined all his hopes and turned life into a burden. As he spoke, his face fell, the muscles in his face quivered with pain, and he looked like a statue of despair.
This was the story of which Mr. Falkland was called upon to be the auditor. Though the incidents were, for the most part, wide of those which belonged to the adventures of the preceding volume, and there had been much less policy and skill displayed on either part in this rustic encounter, yet there were many points which, to a man who bore the former strongly in his recollection, suggested a sufficient resemblance. In each case it was a human brute persisting in a course of hostility to a man of benevolent character, and suddenly and terribly cut off in the midst of his career. These points perpetually smote upon the heart of Mr. Falkland. He at one time started with astonishment, and at another shifted his posture, like a man who is unable longer to endure the sensations that press upon him. Then he new strung his nerves to stubborn patience. I could see, while his muscles preserved an inflexible steadiness, tears of anguish roll down his cheeks. He dared not trust his eyes to glance towards the side of the room where I stood; and this gave an air of embarrassment to his whole figure. But when the accused came to speak of his feelings, to describe the depth of his compunction for an involuntary fault, he could endure it no longer. He suddenly rose, and with every mark of horror and despair rushed out of the room.
This was the story that Mr. Falkland was asked to review. Although the events were mostly different from those in the previous volume, and there was much less strategy and skill shown on either side in this rural encounter, there were still many aspects that, to someone like him who remembered the past vividly, suggested a strong resemblance. In both cases, it was a ruthless person continuing their hostility toward a kind-hearted man, suddenly and tragically cut off in his prime. These thoughts constantly weighed on Mr. Falkland's heart. At one moment, he stared in disbelief, and at another, he shifted his position like someone who could no longer bear the overwhelming feelings pressing down on him. Then, he steeled himself for stubborn endurance. I could see that while his muscles remained rigid, tears of anguish streamed down his cheeks. He couldn't bring himself to look over at where I was standing, which added an air of discomfort to his entire demeanor. But when the accused began to talk about his emotions, expressing deep remorse for an unintentional mistake, he could no longer take it. He abruptly stood up and, with clear signs of horror and despair, rushed out of the room.
This circumstance made no material difference in the affair of the accused. The parties were detained about half an hour. Mr. Falkland had already heard the material parts of the evidence in person. At the expiration of that interval, he sent for Mr. Collins out of the room. The story of the culprit was confirmed by many witnesses who had seen the transaction. Word was brought that my master was indisposed; and, at the same time, the accused was ordered to be discharged. The vengeance of the brother however, as I afterwards found, did not rest here, and he met with a magistrate, more scrupulous or more despotic, by whom the culprit was committed for trial.
This situation didn’t really change things for the accused. The parties were held for about half an hour. Mr. Falkland had already heard the key parts of the evidence in person. After that time, he called Mr. Collins out of the room. The story of the guilty party was backed up by several witnesses who had seen the incident. Then word came that my boss was unwell, and at the same time, the accused was ordered to be released. However, the brother’s desire for revenge didn’t stop there, and he encountered a magistrate who was either more careful or more authoritarian, and the accused was ordered to stand trial.
This affair was no sooner concluded, than I hastened into the garden, and plunged into the deepest of its thickets. My mind was full, almost to bursting. I no sooner conceived myself sufficiently removed from all observation, than my thoughts forced their way spontaneously to my tongue, and I exclaimed, in a fit of uncontrollable enthusiasm, "This is the murderer; the Hawkinses were innocent! I am sure of it! I will pledge my life for it! It is out! It is discovered! Guilty, upon my soul!"
This situation was barely over when I rushed into the garden and dove into the thickest part of it. My mind was overflowing. As soon as I thought I was far enough away from anyone watching, my thoughts spilled out uncontrollably, and I shouted, in a moment of excited clarity, "This is the killer; the Hawkinses were innocent! I know it! I’d bet my life on it! It's out! It's been found out! Guilty, I swear!"
While I thus proceeded with hasty steps along the most secret paths of the garden, and from time to time gave vent to the tumult of my thoughts in involuntary exclamations, I felt as if my animal system had undergone a total revolution. My blood boiled within me. I was conscious to a kind of rapture for which I could not account. I was solemn, yet full of rapid emotion, burning with indignation and energy. In the very tempest and hurricane of the passions, I seemed to enjoy the most soul-ravishing calm. I cannot better express the then state of my mind than by saying, I was never so perfectly alive as at that moment.
As I hurried along the hidden paths of the garden, occasionally letting my thoughts spill out in spontaneous exclamations, I felt like my entire being had gone through a transformation. My blood was boiling. I experienced a kind of bliss that I couldn't explain. I was serious yet overflowing with intense emotions, filled with anger and energy. In the midst of the storm of my feelings, I found an incredible peace. The best way to describe how I felt at that moment is to say that I had never felt so fully alive.
This state of mental elevation continued for several hours, but at length subsided, and gave place to more deliberate reflection. One of the first questions that then occurred was, what shall I do with the knowledge I have been so eager to acquire? I had no inclination to turn informer. I felt what I had had no previous conception of, that it was possible to love a murderer, and, as I then understood it, the worst of murderers. I conceived it to be in the highest degree absurd and iniquitous, to cut off a man qualified for the most essential and extensive utility, merely out of retrospect to an act which, whatever were its merits, could not be retrieved.
This state of mental uplift lasted for several hours, but eventually faded, giving way to more careful thought. One of the first questions that came to mind was, what should I do with the knowledge I was so eager to gain? I had no desire to become a snitch. I realized for the first time that it was possible to love a murderer, and as I understood it then, the worst kind of murderer. I found it completely absurd and wrong to take away a person capable of great good just because of a past action that, regardless of its merits, couldn't be undone.
This thought led me to another, which had at first passed unnoticed. If I had been disposed to turn informer, what had occurred amounted to no evidence that was admissible in a court of justice. Well then, added I, if it be such as would not be admitted at a criminal tribunal, am I sure it is such as I ought to admit? There were twenty persons besides myself present at the scene from which I pretend to derive such entire conviction. Not one of them saw it in the light that I did. It either appeared to them a casual and unimportant circumstance, or they thought it sufficiently accounted for by Mr. Falkland's infirmity and misfortunes. Did it really contain such an extent of arguments and application, that nobody but I was discerning enough to see?
This thought led me to another one that I initially overlooked. If I had been inclined to speak out, what happened wouldn’t hold up as evidence in a court of law. So, I asked myself, if it wouldn’t be allowed in a criminal court, why should I accept it? There were twenty other people besides me who were present at the scene where I claim to have found such strong conviction. None of them saw it the way I did. To them, it seemed like a random and insignificant event, or they believed it could be explained by Mr. Falkland’s weaknesses and misfortunes. Did it really contain so many arguments and implications that only I was insightful enough to recognize?
But all this reasoning produced no alteration in my way of thinking. For this time I could not get it out of my mind for a moment: "Mr. Falkland is the murderer! He is guilty! I see it! I feel it! I am sure of it!" Thus was I hurried along by an uncontrollable destiny. The state of my passions in their progressive career, the inquisitiveness and impatience of my thoughts, appeared to make this determination unavoidable.
But all this reasoning didn't change my mind at all. This time, I couldn't shake the thought: "Mr. Falkland is the murderer! He's guilty! I know it! I feel it! I'm certain!" I was being pushed forward by an unstoppable fate. The intensity of my emotions, along with my restless curiosity and impatience, seemed to make this conclusion inevitable.
An incident occurred while I was in the garden, that seemed to make no impression upon me at the time, but which I recollected when my thoughts were got into somewhat of a slower motion. In the midst of one of my paroxysms of exclamation, and when I thought myself most alone, the shadow of a man as avoiding me passed transiently by me at a small distance. Though I had scarcely caught a faint glimpse of his person, there was something in the occurrence that persuaded me it was Mr. Falkland. I shuddered at the possibility of his having overheard the words of my soliloquy. But this idea, alarming as it was, had not power immediately to suspend the career of my reflections. Subsequent circumstances however brought back the apprehension to my mind. I had scarcely a doubt of its reality, when dinner-time came, and Mr. Falkland was not to be found. Supper and bed-time passed in the same manner. The only conclusion made by his servants upon this circumstance was, that he was gone upon one of his accustomed melancholy rambles.
An incident happened while I was in the garden that didn’t seem to affect me at the time, but I remembered it when my thoughts started to slow down. In the middle of one of my outbursts and thinking I was completely alone, I briefly saw the shadow of a man who seemed to be avoiding me, passing by at a short distance. Although I barely caught a small glimpse of him, something about the situation made me think it was Mr. Falkland. I felt a chill at the thought that he might have heard my self-talk. However, while this thought was uneasy, it didn’t immediately stop my train of thought. Later events, though, brought that fear back to me. I had no doubt it was real when dinner time came, and Mr. Falkland was nowhere to be found. Supper and bedtime passed the same way. The only conclusion his servants made about this was that he had gone on one of his usual, gloomy walks.
CHAPTER VI.
The period at which my story is now arrived seemed as if it were the very crisis of the fortune of Mr. Falkland. Incident followed upon incident, in a kind of breathless succession. About nine o'clock the next morning an alarm was given, that one of the chimneys of the house was on fire. No accident could be apparently more trivial; but presently it blazed with such fury, as to make it clear that some beam of the house, which in the first building had been improperly placed, had been reached by the flames. Some danger was apprehended for the whole edifice. The confusion was the greater, in consequence of the absence of the master, as well as of Mr. Collins, the steward. While some of the domestics were employed in endeavouring to extinguish the flames, it was thought proper that others should busy themselves in removing the most valuable moveables to a lawn in the garden. I took some command in the affair, to which indeed my station in the family seemed to entitle me, and for which I was judged qualified by my understanding and mental resources.
The moment my story has reached felt like the turning point for Mr. Falkland. Events unfolded one after another in a whirlwind. Around nine o'clock the next morning, an alarm rang out that one of the chimneys in the house was on fire. At first, it seemed like a minor issue, but soon it blazed with such intensity that it became clear a beam in the house, which had been improperly placed during construction, had caught fire. There was real concern for the entire building. The chaos was even greater due to the absence of both the master and Mr. Collins, the steward. While some of the staff tried to put out the flames, others were tasked with moving the most valuable items to a lawn in the garden. I took on some leadership in the situation, which my position in the family seemed to warrant, and I was considered capable based on my understanding and mental abilities.
Having given some general directions, I conceived, that it was not enough to stand by and superintend, but that I should contribute my personal labour in the public concern. I set out for that purpose; and my steps, by some mysterious fatality, were directed to the private apartment at the end of the library. Here, as I looked round, my eye was suddenly caught by the trunk mentioned in the first pages of my narrative.
After giving some general guidance, I realized that it wasn't enough to just supervise; I needed to pitch in with my own efforts for the public good. I set out to do that, and for some strange reason, I found myself headed toward the private room at the end of the library. As I looked around, my attention was suddenly drawn to the trunk mentioned in the opening pages of my story.
My mind was already raised to its utmost pitch. In a window-seat of the room lay a number of chisels and other carpenter's tools. I know not what infatuation instantaneously seized me. The idea was too powerful to be resisted. I forgot the business upon which I came, the employment of the servants, and the urgency of general danger. I should have done the same if the flames that seemed to extend as they proceeded, and already surmounted the house, had reached this very apartment. I snatched a tool suitable for the purpose, threw myself upon the ground, and applied with eagerness to a magazine which inclosed all for which my heart panted. After two or three efforts, in which the energy of uncontrollable passion was added to my bodily strength, the fastenings gave way, the trunk opened, and all that I sought was at once within my reach.
My mind was already racing at full speed. In a window seat of the room lay a collection of chisels and other carpenter's tools. I don’t know what sudden obsession took hold of me. The urge was too strong to ignore. I completely forgot why I was there, the tasks of the servants, and the looming danger around us. I would have reacted the same way even if the flames, which seemed to grow as they moved forward and had already engulfed the house, had reached this very room. I grabbed a tool that was right for the job, threw myself on the ground, and eagerly worked on a box that contained everything my heart desired. After two or three attempts, where the force of my unstoppable passion combined with my physical strength, the locks gave way, the trunk opened, and everything I was searching for was suddenly within my reach.
I was in the act of lifting up the lid, when Mr. Falkland entered, wild, breathless, distracted in his looks! He had been brought home from a considerable distance by the sight of the flames. At the moment of his appearance the lid dropped down from my hand. He no sooner saw me than his eyes emitted sparks of rage. He ran with eagerness to a brace of loaded pistols which hung in the room, and, seizing one, presented it to my head. I saw his design, and sprang to avoid it; but, with the same rapidity with which he had formed his resolution, he changed it, and instantly went to the window, and flung the pistol into the court below. He bade me begone with his usual irresistible energy; and, overcome as I was already by the horror of the detection, I eagerly complied.
I was just about to lift the lid when Mr. Falkland burst in, looking wild, breathless, and completely frazzled! He had been brought back from quite a distance by the sight of the flames. The moment he appeared, the lid slipped from my hand. As soon as he saw me, his eyes were filled with rage. He rushed eagerly to a pair of loaded pistols hanging in the room, grabbed one, and pointed it at my head. I understood his intention and jumped to dodge it, but just as quickly as he had made his decision, he changed it and went straight to the window, tossing the pistol into the courtyard below. He ordered me to leave with his usual forcefulness, and, already overwhelmed by the horror of being caught, I hurriedly agreed.
A moment after, a considerable part of the chimney tumbled with noise into the court below, and a voice exclaimed that the fire was more violent than ever. These circumstances seemed to produce a mechanical effect upon my patron, who, having first locked the closet, appeared on the outside of the house, ascended the roof, and was in a moment in every place where his presence was required. The flames were at length extinguished.
A moment later, a significant portion of the chimney crashed loudly into the courtyard below, and someone shouted that the fire was more intense than before. These events seemed to trigger a kind of automatic response from my patron, who first locked the closet, then appeared outside the house, climbed onto the roof, and quickly went to every spot where he was needed. Eventually, the flames were put out.
The reader can with difficulty form a conception of the state to which I was now reduced. My act was in some sort an act of insanity; but how undescribable are the feelings with which I looked back upon it! It was an instantaneous impulse, a short-lived and passing alienation of mind; but what must Mr. Falkland think of that alienation? To any man a person who had once shown himself capable of so wild a flight of the mind, must appear dangerous: how must he appear to a man under Mr. Falkland's circumstances? I had just had a pistol held to my head, by a man resolved to put a period to my existence. That indeed was past; but what was it that fate had yet in reserve for me! The insatiable vengeance of a Falkland, of a man whose hands were, to my apprehension, red with blood, and his thoughts familiar with cruelty and murder. How great were the resources of his mind, resources henceforth to be confederated for my destruction! This was the termination of an ungoverned curiosity, an impulse that I had represented to myself as so innocent or so venial.
The reader can hardly imagine the state I was in now. My actions were somewhat insane; but the feelings I had looking back on them are indescribable! It was a momentary impulse, a fleeting and temporary lapse of reason; but what must Mr. Falkland think of that lapse? To anyone, a person capable of such a wild mental break must seem dangerous; how must I appear to someone like Mr. Falkland? I had just had a gun held to my head by a man intent on ending my life. That was behind me, but what did fate still have in store for me? The relentless vengeance of a Falkland, a man who, in my eyes, was stained with blood and familiar with cruelty and murder. How vast were the resources of his mind, resources now aligned for my destruction! This was the consequence of an unchecked curiosity, an impulse I had convinced myself was either innocent or excusable.
In the high tide of boiling passion I had overlooked all consequences. It now appeared to me like a dream. Is it in man to leap from the high-raised precipice, or rush unconcerned into the midst of flames? Was it possible I could have forgotten for a moment the awe-creating manners of Falkland, and the inexorable fury I should awake in his soul? No thought of future security had reached my mind. I had acted upon no plan. I had conceived no means of concealing my deed, after it had once been effected. But it was over now. One short minute had effected a reverse in my situation, the suddenness of which the history of man, perhaps is unable to surpass.
In the height of intense passion, I completely ignored any consequences. It now felt like a dream to me. Can a person really jump off a steep cliff or rush into flames without a care? Could I have actually momentarily forgotten Falkland's frightening demeanor and the relentless anger I would trigger in him? I hadn't entertained any thoughts of future safety. I had no plan. I hadn’t thought of any way to hide my action once it was done. But it was done now. In just one brief minute, everything had changed in my situation, in a way that perhaps the history of mankind has never seen before.
I have always been at a loss to account for my having plunged thus headlong into an act so monstrous. There is something in it of unexplained and involuntary sympathy. One sentiment flows, by necessity of nature, into another sentiment of the same general character. This was the first instance in which I had witnessed a danger by fire. All was confusion around me, and all changed into hurricane within. The general situation, to my unpractised apprehension, appeared desperate, and I by contagion became alike desperate. At first I had been in some degree calm and collected, but that too was a desperate effort; and when it gave way, a kind of instant insanity became its successor.
I’ve always struggled to understand why I jumped so recklessly into such a horrific act. There’s something in it that feels inexplicable and involuntary. One emotion naturally leads to another similar one. This was the first time I had witnessed a danger from fire. Everything around me was chaotic, and everything inside me felt like a whirlwind. The overall situation, to my inexperienced perspective, seemed hopeless, and I became equally desperate from that feeling. At first, I was somewhat calm and composed, but that too was a frantic effort; when it fell apart, a kind of immediate madness took over.
I had now every thing to fear. And yet what was my fault? It proceeded from none of those errors which are justly held up to the aversion of mankind; my object had been neither wealth, nor the means of indulgence, nor the usurpation of power. No spark of malignity had harboured in my soul. I had always reverenced the sublime mind of Mr. Falkland; I reverenced it still. My offence had merely been a mistaken thirst of knowledge. Such however it was, as to admit neither of forgiveness nor remission. This epoch was the crisis of my fate, dividing what may be called the offensive part from the defensive, which has been the sole business of my remaining years. Alas! my offence was short, not aggravated by any sinister intention: but the reprisals I was to suffer are long, and can terminate only with my life!
I now had everything to fear. But what was my fault? It didn’t come from any of those mistakes that people usually despise; I wasn’t after wealth, pleasure, or seizing power. There was no trace of malice in my soul. I had always admired the brilliant mind of Mr. Falkland, and I still did. My mistake was simply a misguided desire for knowledge. Yet, it was serious enough to warrant neither forgiveness nor mercy. This moment marked the turning point of my life, separating what can be called the aggressive period from the defensive one, which has occupied the rest of my years. Unfortunately, my mistake was brief, without any sinister intent: but the consequences I would endure are long and will only end with my life!
In the state in which I found myself, when the recollection of what I had done flowed back upon my mind, I was incapable of any resolution. All was chaos and uncertainty within me. My thoughts were too full of horror to be susceptible of activity. I felt deserted of my intellectual powers, palsied in mind, and compelled to sit in speechless expectation of the misery to which I was destined. To my own conception I was like a man, who, though blasted with lightning, and deprived for ever of the power of motion, should yet retain the consciousness of his situation. Death-dealing despair was the only idea of which I was sensible.
In the state I was in, when the memory of what I had done flooded back to me, I was unable to make any decisions. Everything inside me was chaos and uncertainty. My thoughts were so filled with horror that I couldn't take action. I felt stripped of my mental abilities, mind frozen, and forced to sit in silent anticipation of the misery I was destined for. I imagined myself like a man who, though struck by lightning and forever unable to move, still understands his situation. The only feeling I had was one of deadly despair.
I was still in this situation of mind when Mr. Falkland sent for me. His message roused me from my trance. In recovering, I felt those sickening and loathsome sensations, which a man may be supposed at first to endure who should return from the sleep of death. Gradually I recovered the power of arranging my ideas and directing my steps. I understood, that the minute the affair of the fire was over Mr. Falkland had retired to his own room. It was evening before he ordered me to be called.
I was still in this state of mind when Mr. Falkland sent for me. His message pulled me out of my daze. As I came to, I felt the nauseating and unpleasant sensations that someone might experience when waking from a deep sleep. Slowly, I regained the ability to organize my thoughts and move around. I realized that as soon as the fire incident was over, Mr. Falkland had gone back to his room. It was evening when he ordered me to be called.
I found in him every token of extreme distress, except that there was an air of solemn and sad composure that crowned the whole. For the present, all appearance of gloom, stateliness, and austerity was gone. As I entered he looked up, and, seeing who it was, ordered me to bolt the door. I obeyed. He went round the room, and examined its other avenues. He then returned to where I stood. I trembled in every joint of my frame. I exclaimed within myself, "What scene of death has Roscius now to act?"
I saw in him every sign of intense distress, except for an air of solemn and sad composure that overshadowed everything. For now, all signs of gloom, formality, and sternness had disappeared. As I walked in, he looked up, and when he recognized me, he told me to lock the door. I did as he asked. He moved around the room, checking its other exits. Then he came back to where I was standing. I felt a tremor in every part of my body. I thought to myself, "What death scene is Roscius about to perform now?"
"Williams!" said he, in a tone which had more in it of sorrow than resentment, "I have attempted your life! I am a wretch devoted to the scorn and execration of mankind!" There he stopped.
"Williams!" he said, with more sorrow than anger in his voice, "I’ve tried to take your life! I'm a miserable person, deserving of the world's scorn and hatred!" Then he fell silent.
"If there be one being on the whole earth that feels the scorn and execration due to such a wretch more strongly than another, it is myself. I have been kept in a state of perpetual torture and madness. But I can put an end to it and its consequences; and, so far at least as relates to you, I am determined to do it. I know the price, and—I will make the purchase.
"If there’s one person on this entire planet who feels the scorn and hatred that such a miserable wretch deserves more intensely than anyone else, it’s me. I have been in constant agony and madness. But I can put a stop to it and its aftermath; and at least as far as you are concerned, I’m determined to do so. I understand the cost, and—I will make that payment."
"You must swear," said he. "You must attest every sacrament, divine and human, never to disclose what I am now to tell you."—He dictated the oath, and I repeated it with an aching heart. I had no power to offer a word of remark.
"You have to swear," he said. "You need to promise by every sacred and human thing, never to reveal what I'm about to tell you." He stated the oath, and I repeated it with a heavy heart. I had no strength to say a word.
"This confidence," said he, "is of your seeking, not of mine. It is odious to me, and is dangerous to you."
"This confidence," he said, "is what you're looking for, not me. It's repulsive to me and risky for you."
Having thus prefaced the disclosure he had to make, he paused. He seemed to collect himself as for an effort of magnitude. He wiped his face with his handkerchief. The moisture that incommoded him appeared not to be tears, but sweat.
Having set up the announcement he was about to make, he paused. He seemed to gather his thoughts for something significant. He wiped his face with his handkerchief. The moisture that troubled him didn’t seem to be tears, but sweat.
"Look at me. Observe me. Is it not strange that such a one as I should retain lineaments of a human creature? I am the blackest of villains. I am the murderer of Tyrrel. I am the assassin of the Hawkinses."
"Look at me. Watch me. Isn’t it odd that someone like me still has the features of a human? I’m the worst of the worst. I killed Tyrrel. I murdered the Hawkinses."
I started with terror, and was silent.
I was filled with fear and stayed quiet.
"What a story is mine! Insulted, disgraced, polluted in the face of hundreds, I was capable of any act of desperation. I watched my opportunity, followed Mr. Tyrrel from the rooms, seized a sharp-pointed knife that fell in my way, came behind him, and stabbed him to the heart. My gigantic oppressor rolled at my feet.
"What a story I have! Insulted, humiliated, tainted in front of hundreds, I was capable of anything in my desperation. I waited for my chance, followed Mr. Tyrrel out of the rooms, picked up a sharp knife that was lying around, approached him from behind, and stabbed him in the heart. My huge oppressor fell at my feet."
"All are but links of one chain. A blow! A murder! My next business was to defend myself, to tell so well-digested a lie as that all mankind should believe it true. Never was a task so harrowing and intolerable!
"Everyone is just a link in one chain. A blow! A murder! My next job was to defend myself, to craft such a convincing lie that all of humanity would believe it to be true. Never was there a task so distressing and unbearable!"
"Well, thus far fortune favoured me; she favoured me beyond my desire. The guilt was removed from me, and cast upon another; but this I was to endure. Whence came the circumstantial evidence against him, the broken knife and the blood, I am unable to tell. I suppose, by some miraculous accident, Hawkins was passing by, and endeavoured to assist his oppressor in the agonies of death. You have heard his story; you have read one of his letters. But you do not know the thousandth part of the proofs of his simple and unalterable rectitude that I have known. His son suffered with him; that son, for the sake of whose happiness and virtue he ruined himself, and would have died a hundred times.—I have had feelings, but I cannot describe them.
"Well, so far luck has been on my side; it has been more than I ever hoped for. The blame was taken off me and placed on someone else, but I had to deal with that. I can't explain where the evidence against him came from, like the broken knife and the blood. I guess, by some strange coincidence, Hawkins happened to be nearby and tried to help his attacker in his last moments. You've heard his story; you've read one of his letters. But you don’t know even a fraction of the evidence of his honesty and integrity that I’ve seen. His son suffered along with him; that son, for whom he sacrificed his happiness and morals, would have faced death a hundred times for him. I’ve had feelings, but I can't put them into words."
"This it is to be a gentleman! a man of honour! I was the fool of fame. My virtue, my honesty, my everlasting peace of mind, were cheap sacrifices to be made at the shrine of this divinity. But, what is worse, there is nothing that has happened that has in any degree contributed to my cure. I am as much the fool of fame as ever. I cling to it to my last breath. Though I be the blackest of villains, I will leave behind me a spotless and illustrious name. There is no crime so malignant, no scene of blood so horrible, in which that object cannot engage me. It is no matter that I regard these things at a distance with aversion;—I am sure of it; bring me to the test, and I shall yield. I despise myself, but thus I am; things are gone too far to be recalled.
"This is what it means to be a gentleman! A man of honor! I was naive when it came to fame. My virtue, my honesty, my constant peace of mind were small prices to pay at the altar of this idol. But what's worse is that nothing that's happened has helped me heal. I'm still as much a fool for fame as ever. I hold onto it until my last breath. Even if I'm the worst villain, I'll leave behind a clean and glorious legacy. There's no crime so terrible, no scene of blood so gruesome, that I can't be drawn into it. It doesn't matter that I look at these things from a distance with disgust;—I know it for sure; put me to the test, and I'll give in. I hate myself, but this is who I am; things have gone too far to turn back now."
"Why is it that I am compelled to this confidence? From the love of fame. I should tremble at the sight of every pistol or instrument of death that offered itself to my hands; and perhaps my next murder may not be so fortunate as those I have already committed. I had no alternative but to make you my confidant or my victim. It was better to trust you with the whole truth under every seal of secrecy, than to live in perpetual fear of your penetration or your rashness.
"Why am I drawn to this confidence? Because of my desire for fame. I should be scared at the sight of every gun or deadly weapon that comes into my hands; and maybe my next murder won't go as well as the ones I've already committed. I had no choice but to make you my confidant or my victim. It was better to share the whole truth with you under strict confidentiality than to live in constant fear of your insight or recklessness."
"Do you know what it is you have done? To gratify a foolishly inquisitive humour, you have sold yourself. You shall continue in my service, but can never share my affection. I will benefit you in respect of fortune, but I shall always hate you. If ever an unguarded word escape from your lips, if ever you excite my jealousy or suspicion, expect to pay for it by your death or worse. It is a dear bargain you have made. But it is too late to look back. I charge and adjure you by every thing that is sacred, and that is tremendous, preserve your faith!
"Do you realize what you've done? To satisfy your foolish curiosity, you've sold yourself. You’ll continue working for me, but you’ll never have my affection. I’ll provide for you financially, but I will always despise you. If you ever let something slip from your mouth, or if you make me jealous or suspicious, be ready to pay with your life or something worse. You've made a costly deal. But it's too late to turn back now. I urge you, by everything that is sacred and fearsome, to keep your loyalty!"
"My tongue has now for the first time for several years spoken the language of my heart; and the intercourse from this hour shall be shut for ever. I want no pity. I desire no consolation. Surrounded as I am with horrors, I will at least preserve my fortitude to the last. If I had been reserved to a different destiny, I have qualities in that respect worthy of a better cause. I can be mad, miserable, and frantic; but even in frenzy I can preserve my presence of mind and discretion."
"My tongue has finally spoken the language of my heart for the first time in years, and from this moment on, that connection will be closed forever. I don’t want pity. I don’t seek consolation. Even though I’m surrounded by horrors, I will at least maintain my strength until the end. If I were meant for a different fate, I have qualities that deserve a better purpose. I can be crazy, miserable, and frantic; but even in my madness, I can keep my presence of mind and judgment."
Such was the story I had been so desirous to know. Though my mind had brooded upon the subject for months, there was not a syllable of it that did not come to my ear with the most perfect sense of novelty. "Mr. Falkland is a murderer!" said I, as I retired from the conference. This dreadful appellative, "a murderer," made my very blood run cold within me. "He killed Mr. Tyrrel, for he could not control his resentment and anger: he sacrificed Hawkins the elder and Hawkins the younger, because he could upon no terms endure the public loss of honour: how can I expect that a man thus passionate and unrelenting will not sooner or later make me his victim?"
That was the story I had been so eager to learn. Even though I had been thinking about it for months, every word felt completely new to me. "Mr. Falkland is a murderer!" I said to myself as I walked away from the meeting. The word "murderer" made my blood run cold. "He killed Mr. Tyrrel because he couldn't control his anger and resentment: he sacrificed both Hawkins the elder and Hawkins the younger because he couldn't bear the public loss of honor: how can I expect that a man so passionate and unyielding won't eventually make me his victim?"
But, notwithstanding this terrible application of the story, an application to which perhaps in some form or other, mankind are indebted for nine tenths of their abhorrence against vice, I could not help occasionally recurring to reflections of an opposite nature. "Mr. Falkland is a murderer!" resumed I. "He might yet be a most excellent man, if he did but think so." It is the thinking ourselves vicious then, that principally contributes to make us vicious.
But, despite this tragic use of the story, a use to which perhaps, in one way or another, humanity owes nine-tenths of its hatred for wrongdoing, I couldn't help but sometimes think about the opposite idea. "Mr. Falkland is a murderer!" I said again. "He could still be a really good person if he just believed that." It's our belief that we're bad people that mainly drives us to actually be bad.
Amidst the shock I received from finding, what I had never suffered myself constantly to believe, that my suspicions were true, I still discovered new cause of admiration for my master. His menaces indeed were terrible. But, when I recollected the offence I had given, so contrary to every received principle of civilised society, so insolent and rude, so intolerable to a man of Mr. Falkland's elevation, and in Mr. Falkland's peculiarity of circumstances, I was astonished at his forbearance. There were indeed sufficiently obvious reasons why he might not choose to proceed to extremities with me. But how different from the fearful expectations I had conceived were the calmness of his behaviour, and the regulated mildness of his language! In this respect, I for a short time imagined that I was emancipated from the mischiefs which had appalled me; and that, in having to do with a man of Mr. Falkland's liberality, I had nothing rigorous to apprehend.
In the midst of the shock I felt from realizing that what I had never allowed myself to believe could actually be true, I also found new reasons to admire my master. His threats were indeed frightening. However, when I thought about the offense I had committed, which was so contrary to every established principle of civilized society—so rude and disrespectful, so unbearable for someone of Mr. Falkland's status, especially given his unique circumstances—I was amazed at his restraint. There were indeed clear reasons why he might choose not to take severe action against me. But the calmness of his demeanor and the controlled gentleness of his words were so different from the fearful expectations I had envisioned! For a brief moment, I believed I was free from the troubles that had terrified me, thinking that, since I was dealing with someone of Mr. Falkland's generosity, I had nothing harsh to fear.
"It is a miserable prospect," said I, "that he holds up to me. He imagines that I am restrained by no principles, and deaf to the claims of personal excellence. But he shall find himself mistaken. I will never become an informer. I will never injure my patron; and therefore he will not be my enemy. With all his misfortunes and all his errors, I feel that my soul yearns for his welfare. If he have been criminal, that is owing to circumstances; the same qualities under other circumstances would have been, or rather were, sublimely beneficent."
"It’s a terrible outlook," I said, "that he’s presenting to me. He thinks I’m not guided by any principles and indifferent to the importance of personal integrity. But he’s going to be wrong about that. I will never be a snitch. I will never betray my patron; therefore, he won’t be my enemy. Despite all his troubles and mistakes, I can’t help but wish him well. If he has done wrong, it’s because of the circumstances; the same qualities, under different conditions, could have been, or rather were, incredibly good."
My reasonings were, no doubt, infinitely more favourable to Mr. Falkland, than those which human beings are accustomed to make in the case of such as they style great criminals. This will not be wondered at, when it is considered that I had myself just been trampling on the established boundaries of obligation, and therefore might well have a fellow-feeling for other offenders. Add to which, I had known Mr. Falkland from the first as a beneficent divinity. I had observed at leisure, and with a minuteness which could not deceive me, the excellent qualities of his heart; and I found him possessed of a mind beyond comparison the most fertile and accomplished I had ever known.
My thoughts were definitely more favorable to Mr. Falkland than what people usually think about those they consider major criminals. This isn't surprising, especially since I had just been ignoring the usual rules of obligation, which made it easy for me to empathize with other wrongdoers. On top of that, I had always seen Mr. Falkland as a kind of gracious figure. I had taken my time to notice, in detail, the great qualities of his character; and I found him to have a mind that was, by far, the most creative and skilled I had ever encountered.
But though the terrors which had impressed me were considerably alleviated, my situation was notwithstanding sufficiently miserable. The ease and light-heartedness of my youth were for ever gone. The voice of an irresistible necessity had commanded me to "sleep no more." I was tormented with a secret, of which I must never disburthen myself; and this consciousness was, at my age, a source of perpetual melancholy. I had made myself a prisoner, in the most intolerable sense of that term, for years—perhaps for the rest of my life. Though my prudence and discretion should be invariable, I must remember that I should have an overseer, vigilant from conscious guilt, full of resentment at the unjustifiable means by which I had extorted from him a confession, and whose lightest caprice might at any time decide upon every thing that was dear to me. The vigilance even of a public and systematical despotism is poor, compared with a vigilance which is thus goaded by the most anxious passions of the soul. Against this species of persecution I knew not how to invent a refuge. I dared neither fly from the observation of Mr. Falkland, nor continue exposed to its operation. I was at first indeed lulled in a certain degree to security upon the verge of the precipice. But it was not long before I found a thousand circumstances perpetually reminding me of my true situation. Those I am now to relate are among the most memorable.
But even though the fears that had haunted me lightened up a bit, my situation was still pretty miserable. The joy and carefree spirit of my youth were gone forever. An unavoidable force had told me to "sleep no more." I was tormented by a secret that I could never share, and this awareness, at my age, was a constant source of sadness. I had made myself a prisoner, in the worst possible way, for years—maybe for the rest of my life. Even though I had to be careful and discreet, I had to remember that I would always have someone watching me, filled with guilt and resentment over the unfair way I had forced him to confess, and whose slightest whim could affect everything I held dear. The watchfulness of a public and systematic tyranny is nothing compared to the scrutiny fueled by the most intense emotions of the soul. I didn’t know how to escape this kind of torment. I couldn’t dare to run away from Mr. Falkland's gaze, nor could I continue to be under it. At first, I was somewhat lulled into a false sense of security while standing on the edge of a cliff. But it soon became clear that countless reminders of my true situation were always hovering around me. The ones I'm about to recount are among the most significant.
CHAPTER VII.
In no long time after the disclosure Mr. Falkland had made, Mr. Forester, his elder brother by the mother's side, came to reside for a short period in our family. This was a circumstance peculiarly adverse to my patron's habits and inclinations. He had broken off, as I have already said, all intercourse of visiting with his neighbours. He debarred himself every kind of amusement and relaxation. He shrunk from the society of his fellows, and thought he could never be sufficiently buried in obscurity and solitude. This principle was, in most cases, of no difficult execution to a man of firmness. But Mr. Falkland knew not how to avoid the visit of Mr. Forester. This gentleman was just returned from a residence of several years upon the continent; and his demand of an apartment in the house of his half-brother, till his own house at the distance of thirty miles should be prepared for his reception, was made with an air of confidence that scarcely admitted of a refusal. Mr. Falkland could only allege, that the state of his health and spirits was such, that he feared a residence at his house would be little agreeable to his kinsman; and Mr. Forester conceived that this was a disqualification which would always augment in proportion as it was tolerated, and hoped that his society, by inducing Mr. Falkland to suspend his habits of seclusion, would be the means of essential benefit. Mr. Falkland opposed him no further. He would have been sorry to be thought unkind to a kinsman for whom he had a particular esteem; and the consciousness of not daring to assign the true reason, made him cautious of adhering to his objection.
Not long after Mr. Falkland's revelation, Mr. Forester, his older half-brother, came to stay with our family for a little while. This was especially troubling for Mr. Falkland, who had already cut off all social visits with his neighbors. He restricted himself from any kind of enjoyment or relaxation and avoided the company of others, feeling he could never be deeply enough hidden in solitude. For a determined person, this principle was usually easy to follow. But Mr. Falkland couldn’t figure out how to escape Mr. Forester's visit. This gentleman had just returned after several years abroad, and he confidently asked to stay in his half-brother’s house until his own house, thirty miles away, was ready. Mr. Falkland could only argue that his current state of health and mood would make it uncomfortable for his relative to stay. Mr. Forester believed this was a reason that would only get worse the more it was accepted, and he hoped that his presence would encourage Mr. Falkland to break his isolation and be beneficial. Mr. Falkland didn’t oppose him any further. He didn’t want to come off as unkind to a relative he held in high regard, and the awareness that he couldn’t reveal the real reason made him hesitant to stick to his objection.
The character of Mr. Forester was, in many respects, the reverse of that of my master. His very appearance indicated the singularity of his disposition. His figure was short and angular. His eyes were sunk far into his head, and were overhung with eye-brows, black, thick, and bushy. His complexion was swarthy, and his lineaments hard. He had seen much of the world; but, to judge of him from his appearance and manners, one would have thought that he had never moved from his fire-side.
Mr. Forester was, in many ways, the complete opposite of my master. His appearance alone showed how unique he was. He had a short, bony frame. His eyes were deeply set in his head and covered by thick, bushy black eyebrows. His skin was dark, and his features were sharp. He had experienced a lot of life, but based on how he looked and acted, you would think he had never left his home.
His temper was acid, petulant, and harsh. He was easily offended by trifles, respecting which, previously to the offence, the persons with whom he had intercourse could have no suspicion of such a result. When offended, his customary behaviour was exceedingly rugged. He thought only of setting the delinquent right, and humbling him for his error; and, in his eagerness to do this, overlooked the sensibility of the sufferer, and the pains he inflicted. Remonstrance in such a case he regarded as the offspring of cowardice, which was to be extirpated with a steady and unshrinking hand, and not soothed with misjudging kindness and indulgence. As is usual in human character, he had formed a system of thinking to suit the current of his feelings. He held that the kindness we entertain for a man should be veiled and concealed, exerted in substantial benefits, but not disclosed, lest an undue advantage should be taken of it by its object.
His temper was bitter, irritable, and harsh. He was easily offended by minor things, and before being offended, the people he interacted with had no idea such a reaction would happen. When he was upset, his usual behavior was very rough. He focused solely on correcting the person who had wronged him and making them feel small for their mistake; in his eagerness to do this, he ignored the feelings of the person suffering and the pain he caused. He saw complaints in such situations as a sign of weakness that needed to be eliminated firmly, not softened with misguided kindness and leniency. Like many people, he developed a way of thinking that aligned with his feelings. He believed that the kindness we show towards someone should be hidden and kept private, expressed through meaningful actions but not revealed, so that the person wouldn't exploit it.
With this rugged outside, Mr. Forester had a warm and generous heart. At first sight all men were deterred by his manner, and excited to give him an ill character. But the longer any one knew him, the more they approved him. His harshness was then only considered as habit; and strong sense and active benevolence were uppermost in the recollection of his familiar acquaintance. His conversation, when he condescended to lay aside his snappish, rude, and abrupt half-sentences, became flowing in diction, and uncommonly amusing with regard to its substance. He combined, with weightiness of expression, a dryness of characteristic humour, that demonstrated at once the vividness of his observation, and the force of his understanding. The peculiarities of this gentleman's character were not undisplayed in the scene to which he was now introduced. Having much kindness in his disposition, he soon became deeply interested in the unhappiness of his relation. He did every thing in his power to remove it; but his attempts were rude and unskilful. With a mind so accomplished and a spirit so susceptible as that of Mr. Falkland, Mr. Forester did not venture to let loose his usual violence of manner; but, if he carefully abstained from harshness, he was however wholly incapable of that sweet and liquid eloquence of the soul, which would perhaps have stood the fairest chance of seducing Mr. Falkland for a moment to forget his anguish. He exhorted his host to rouse up his spirit, and defy the foul fiend; but the tone of his exhortations found no sympathetic chord in the mind of my patron. He had not the skill to carry conviction to an understanding so well fortified in error. In a word, after a thousand efforts of kindness to his entertainer, he drew off his forces, growling and dissatisfied with his own impotence, rather than angry at the obstinacy of Mr. Falkland. He felt no diminution of his affection for him, and was sincerely grieved to find that he was so little capable of serving him. Both parties in this case did justice to the merits of the other; at the same time that the disparity of their humours was such, as to prevent the stranger from being in any degree a dangerous companion to the master of the house. They had scarcely one point of contact in their characters. Mr. Forester was incapable of giving Mr. Falkland that degree either of pain or pleasure, which can raise the soul into a tumult, and deprive it for a while of tranquillity and self-command.
With his tough exterior, Mr. Forester had a warm and generous heart. At first glance, many were put off by his demeanor and quick to judge him poorly. But the longer you knew him, the more you appreciated him. His harshness was seen as just a habit; his strong common sense and active kindness were what stood out in the memories of those who knew him well. When he chose to drop his snappy, rude, and curt half-sentences, his conversation flowed beautifully and was often quite entertaining. He combined serious expression with a dry sense of humor that showed both his sharp observations and deep understanding. The quirks of this gentleman's character were evident in the situation he had just entered. With a kind nature, he quickly became genuinely concerned about his relative’s unhappiness. He did everything he could to alleviate it, but his efforts were clumsy and unrefined. With a mind as skilled and a spirit as sensitive as Mr. Falkland's, Mr. Forester held back his usual bluntness; still, while he avoided being harsh, he simply lacked the gentle, heartfelt eloquence that might have temporarily helped Mr. Falkland forget his pain. He encouraged his host to lift his spirits and confront his troubles, but the tone of his encouragement struck no resonant chord in Mr. Falkland’s mind. He didn’t have the skill to convince someone so steadfast in their wrong beliefs. In short, after countless attempts to be kind to his host, he withdrew, grumbling and frustrated with his own inability rather than angry at Mr. Falkland’s stubbornness. His affection for him didn’t lessen, and he felt genuinely sad that he could do so little to help. Both men recognized the qualities in each other, but the difference in their temperaments meant that Mr. Forester was not a threat to the peace of the household. There was hardly any common ground between them. Mr. Forester had no ability to cause Mr. Falkland either the kind of pain or pleasure that could stir the soul or momentarily throw it off balance.
Our visitor was a man, notwithstanding appearances, of a peculiarly sociable disposition, and, where he was neither interrupted nor contradicted, considerably loquacious. He began to feel himself painfully out of his element upon the present occasion. Mr. Falkland was devoted to contemplation and solitude. He put upon himself some degree of restraint upon the arrival of his kinsman, though even then his darling habits would break out. But when they had seen each other a certain number of times, and it was sufficiently evident that the society of either would be a burthen rather than a pleasure to the other, they consented, by a sort of silent compact, that each should be at liberty to follow his own inclination. Mr. Falkland was, in a sense, the greatest gainer by this. He returned to the habits of his choice, and acted, as nearly as possible, just as he would have done if Mr. Forester had not been in existence. But the latter was wholly at a loss. He had all the disadvantages of retirement, without being able, as he might have done at his house, to bring his own associates or his own amusements about him.
Our visitor was a man, despite appearances, with a notably sociable nature, and when he wasn't interrupted or challenged, he could be quite talkative. However, he began to feel awkward in this situation. Mr. Falkland preferred contemplation and solitude. He tried to restrain himself when his relative arrived, but even then, his usual habits would resurface. After they had met a few times, it became clear that each found the other’s company more of a burden than a pleasure, so they silently agreed to let each other follow their own preferences. Mr. Falkland was the one who benefited most from this arrangement. He returned to his preferred habits and acted almost exactly as he would have if Mr. Forester hadn't existed. But Mr. Forester was completely at a loss. He faced all the downsides of being withdrawn, without the option to bring his own friends or distractions to him as he could have at his own home.
In this situation he cast his eyes upon me. It was his principle to do every thing that his thoughts suggested, without caring for the forms of the world. He saw no reason why a peasant, with certain advantages of education and opportunity, might not be as eligible a companion as a lord; at the same time that he was deeply impressed with the venerableness of old institutions. Reduced as he was to a kind of last resort, he found me better qualified for his purpose than any other of Mr. Falkland's household.
In this situation, he looked at me. He believed in acting on whatever his thoughts suggested, without worrying about social norms. He thought there was no reason why a peasant, with certain advantages in education and opportunity, couldn't be just as good a companion as a lord; he also respected the importance of long-standing institutions. Given his limited options, he found me to be better suited for his needs than anyone else in Mr. Falkland's household.
The manner in which he began this sort of correspondence was sufficiently characteristical. It was abrupt; but it was strongly stamped with essential benevolence. It was blunt and humorous; but there was attractiveness, especially in a case of unequal intercourse, in that very rusticity by which he levelled himself with the mass of his species. He had to reconcile himself as well as to invite me; not to reconcile himself to the postponing an aristocratical vanity, for of that he had a very slender portion, but to the trouble of invitation, for he loved his ease. All this produced some irregularity and indecision in his own mind, and gave a whimsical impression to his behaviour.
The way he started this kind of correspondence was quite distinctive. It was abrupt, but it really showed his genuine kindness. It was straightforward and funny, but there was something appealing about that down-to-earth quality that made him relatable, especially in a situation where there was a social imbalance. He needed to come to terms with inviting me, not because he was struggling with any aristocratic pride—he had very little of that—but because he preferred keeping things easy. This created some inconsistency and uncertainty in his thoughts and gave his behavior a quirky vibe.
On my part, I was by no means ungrateful for the distinction that was paid me. My mind had been relaxed into temporary dejection, but my reserve had no alloy of moroseness or insensibility. It did not long hold out against the condescending attentions of Mr. Forester. I became gradually heedful, encouraged, confiding. I had a most eager thirst for the knowledge of mankind; and though no person perhaps ever purchased so dearly the instructions he received in that school, the inclination was in no degree diminished. Mr. Forester was the second man I had seen uncommonly worthy of my analysis, and who seemed to my thoughts, arrived as I was at the end of my first essay, almost as much deserving to be studied as Mr. Falkland himself. I was glad to escape from the uneasiness of my reflections; and, while engaged with this new friend, I forgot the criticalness of the evils with which I was hourly menaced.
I definitely appreciated the recognition I received. My mind had temporarily slipped into a state of sadness, but my composure wasn’t touched by gloom or indifference. It didn’t take long before I was swayed by Mr. Forester's kind attention. I gradually became more attentive, open, and trusting. I had a strong desire to understand people better, and although no one has ever paid such a high price for the lessons learned in that experience, my eagerness was in no way lessened. Mr. Forester was the second person I had encountered who was truly worthy of my scrutiny, and who seemed, just as I was concluding my first analysis, almost as deserving of study as Mr. Falkland. I was relieved to break free from the discomfort of my thoughts, and while spending time with this new friend, I forgot about the severity of the challenges that threatened me daily.
Stimulated by these feelings, I was what Mr. Forester wanted, a diligent and zealous hearer, I was strongly susceptible of impression; and the alternate impressions my mind received, visibly displayed themselves in my countenance and gestures. The observations Mr. Forester had made in his travels, the set of opinions he had formed, all amused and interested me. His manner of telling a story, or explaining his thoughts, was forcible, perspicuous, and original: his style in conversation had an uncommon zest. Every thing he had to relate delighted me; while, in return, my sympathy, my eager curiosity, and my unsophisticated passions, rendered me to Mr. Forester a most desirable hearer. It is not to be wondered at, therefore, that every day rendered our intercourse more intimate and cordial.
Driven by these feelings, I was exactly what Mr. Forester wanted: a dedicated and enthusiastic listener. I was easily impressed, and the various impressions my mind received showed up on my face and in my gestures. The insights Mr. Forester shared from his travels and the opinions he formed caught my interest and amused me. His way of telling a story or explaining his thoughts was powerful, clear, and original; his conversational style had a unique flair. Everything he had to share thrilled me, while my empathy, eager curiosity, and genuine emotions made me an incredibly appealing listener to Mr. Forester. So, it's no surprise that each day brought us closer and made our interactions more friendly.
Mr. Falkland was destined to be for ever unhappy; and it seemed as if no new incident could occur, from which he was not able to extract food for this imperious propensity. He was wearied with a perpetual repetition of similar impressions; and entertained an invincible disgust against all that was new. The visit of Mr. Forester he regarded with antipathy. He was scarcely able to look at him without shuddering; an emotion which his guest perceived, and pitied as the result of habit and disease, rather than of judgment. None of his actions passed unremarked; the most indifferent excited uneasiness and apprehension. The first overtures of intimacy between me and Mr. Forester probably gave birth to sentiments of jealousy in the mind of my master. The irregular, variable character of his visitor tended to heighten them, by producing an appearance of inexplicableness and mystery. At this time he intimated to me that it was not agreeable to him, that there should be much intercourse between me and this gentleman.
Mr. Falkland was destined to be forever unhappy, and it seemed like no new event could happen that he wouldn't allow to feed this overwhelming tendency. He was tired of the constant repetition of similar feelings and had a strong aversion to anything new. He looked at Mr. Forester's visit with disdain. He could barely look at him without shuddering, an emotion his guest noticed and felt pity for, seeing it as a product of habit and illness rather than judgment. None of his actions went unnoticed; even the most indifferent ones caused discomfort and worry. The initial signs of friendship between me and Mr. Forester likely sparked feelings of jealousy in my master. The unpredictable and inconsistent nature of his visitor only heightened this jealousy, making everything feel inexplicable and mysterious. At that time, he made it clear to me that he didn’t like the idea of me spending much time with this gentleman.
What could I do? Young as I was, could it be expected that I should play the philosopher, and put a perpetual curb upon my inclinations? Imprudent though I had been, could I voluntarily subject myself to an eternal penance, and estrangement from human society? Could I discourage a frankness so perfectly in consonance with my wishes, and receive in an ungracious way a kindness that stole away my heart?
What could I do? Even though I was young, could anyone really expect me to act like a philosopher and constantly suppress my desires? Even if I had been reckless, could I choose to endure a lifelong punishment and distance myself from other people? Could I reject an openness that matched my own feelings and respond ungratefully to a kindness that captured my heart?
Besides this, I was but ill prepared for the servile submission Mr. Falkland demanded. In early life I had been accustomed to be much my own master. When I first entered into Mr. Falkland's service, my personal habits were checked by the novelty of my situation, and my affections were gained by the high accomplishments of my patron. To novelty and its influence, curiosity had succeeded: curiosity, so long as it lasted, was a principle stronger in my bosom than even the love of independence. To that I would have sacrificed my liberty or my life; to gratify it, I would have submitted to the condition of a West Indian negro, or to the tortures inflicted by North American savages. But the turbulence of curiosity had now subsided.
Besides this, I was not well prepared for the total submission Mr. Falkland expected. In my early life, I was used to being my own boss. When I first started working for Mr. Falkland, my personal habits were influenced by the newness of my situation, and I was drawn to my employer because of his remarkable qualities. After the novelty wore off, curiosity took over; as long as that curiosity lasted, it was a stronger feeling in me than even my love for independence. I would have sacrificed my freedom or my life for it; to satisfy it, I would have accepted conditions like those of a West Indian slave or endured the torture inflicted by North American natives. But the excitement of curiosity had now faded.
As long as the threats of Mr. Falkland had been confined to generals, I endured it. I was conscious of the unbecoming action I had committed, and this rendered me humble. But, when he went further, and undertook to prescribe to every article of my conduct, my patience was at an end. My mind, before sufficiently sensible to the unfortunate situation to which my imprudence had reduced me, now took a nearer and a more alarming view of the circumstances of the case. Mr. Falkland was not an old man; he had in him the principles of vigour, however they might seem to be shaken; he might live as long as I should. I was his prisoner; and what a prisoner! All my actions observed; all my gestures marked. I could move neither to the right nor the left, but the eye of my keeper was upon me. He watched me; and his vigilance was a sickness to my heart. For me there was no more freedom, no more of hilarity, of thoughtlessness, or of youth. Was this the life upon which I had entered with such warm and sanguine expectation? Were my days to be wasted in this cheerless gloom; a galley-slave in the hands of the system of nature, whom death only, the death of myself or my inexorable superior, could free?
As long as Mr. Falkland's threats were just general complaints, I could handle it. I knew I had acted inappropriately, which made me feel humble. But when he started to dictate every aspect of my behavior, I couldn’t take it anymore. I began to realize the serious situation my thoughtlessness had put me in. Mr. Falkland wasn't old; he still had a lot of life in him, even if it seemed a bit worn down. He could live as long as I did. I was essentially his prisoner; and what a prisoner I was! Every move I made was being watched, every gesture noted. I couldn't shift to the right or left without feeling his gaze on me. His constant surveillance was a burden on my heart. There was no more freedom for me, no more joy, no carefree moments, or youth. Was this the life I had looked forward to with such excitement? Were my days doomed to be spent in this dismal existence, like a galley slave at the mercy of nature's law, with only death—either mine or my relentless captor's—offering a way out?
I had been adventurous in the gratification of an infantine and unreasonable curiosity; and I resolved not to be less adventurous, if need were, in the defence of every thing that can make life a blessing. I was prepared for an amicable adjustment of interests: I would undertake that Mr. Falkland should never sustain injury through my means; but I expected in return that I should suffer no encroachment, but be left to the direction of my own understanding.
I had been curious in a childish and unreasonable way; and I decided that I wouldn't shy away from being just as bold in defending everything that makes life worthwhile. I was ready for a friendly arrangement: I'd make sure Mr. Falkland wouldn’t be harmed because of me; but I expected that I wouldn’t be pushed around and would be allowed to follow my own judgment.
I went on, then, to seek Mr. Forester's society with eagerness; and it is the nature of an intimacy that does not decline, progressively to increase. Mr. Falkland observed these symptoms with visible perturbation. Whenever I was conscious of their being perceived by him, I betrayed tokens of confusion: this did not tend to allay his uneasiness. One day he spoke to me alone; and, with a look of mysterious but terrible import, expressed himself thus:—
I eagerly sought out Mr. Forester's company; and it's natural for a friendship that stays strong to grow even deeper. Mr. Falkland noticed these signs and appeared visibly disturbed. Whenever I realized he was aware of it, I showed signs of embarrassment, which only added to his discomfort. One day, he spoke to me privately and, with a serious and unsettling look, said:—
"Young man, take warning! Perhaps this is the last time you shall have an opportunity to take it! I will not always be the butt of your simplicity and inexperience, nor suffer your weakness to triumph over my strength! Why do you trifle with me? You little suspect the extent of my power. At this moment you are enclosed with the snares of my vengeance unseen by you, and, at the instant that you flatter yourself you are already beyond their reach, they will close upon you. You might as well think of escaping from the power of the omnipresent God, as from mine! If you could touch so much as my finger, you should expiate it in hours and months and years of a torment, of which as yet you have not the remotest idea. Remember! I am not talking at random! I do not utter a word, that, if you provoke me, shall not be executed to the severest letter!"
"Hey, young man, take a warning! This might be your last chance to listen! I won’t always be the target of your naivety and inexperience, nor will I let your weaknesses overpower my strength! Why do you mess around with me? You have no idea how much power I really have. Right now, you’re caught in the traps of my wrath that you can’t even see, and just when you think you’re out of reach, they’ll snap shut on you. You might as well try to escape the power of an everywhere-present God as to escape mine! If you so much as touched me, you’d pay for it with hours, months, and years of torment that you can’t even begin to imagine. Remember! I’m not just rambling! I’m not saying anything that, if you push me, won’t be carried out to the fullest extent!"
It may be supposed that these menaces were not without their effect. I withdrew in silence. My whole soul revolted against the treatment I endured, and yet I could not utter a word. Why could not I speak the expostulations of my heart, or propose the compromise I meditated? It was inexperience, and not want of strength, that awed me. Every act of Mr. Falkland contained something new, and I was unprepared to meet it. Perhaps it will be found that the greatest hero owes the propriety of his conduct to the habit of encountering difficulties, and calling out with promptness the energies of his mind.
It’s likely that these threats had an impact. I left quietly. I felt completely opposed to the way I was being treated, yet I couldn’t say a word. Why couldn’t I express what I truly felt or suggest the compromise I was thinking about? It was naivety, not a lack of strength, that held me back. Every action of Mr. Falkland was unexpected, and I wasn’t ready to face it. Maybe it turns out that even the greatest hero behaves properly because they’re used to facing challenges and quickly rallying their mental strength.
I contemplated the proceedings of my patron with the deepest astonishment. Humanity and general kindness were fundamental parts of his character; but in relation to me they were sterile and inactive. His own interest required that he should purchase my kindness; but he preferred to govern me by terror, and watch me with unceasing anxiety. I ruminated with the most mournful sensations upon the nature of my calamity. I believed that no human being was ever placed in a situation so pitiable as mine. Every atom of my frame seemed to have a several existence, and to crawl within me. I had but too much reason to believe that Mr. Falkland's threats were not empty words. I knew his ability; I felt his ascendancy. If I encountered him, what chance had I of victory? If I were defeated, what was the penalty I had to suffer? Well then, the rest of my life must be devoted to slavish subjection. Miserable sentence! And, if it were, what security had I against the injustice of a man, vigilant, capricious, and criminal? I envied the condemned wretch upon the scaffold; I envied the victim of the inquisition in the midst of his torture. They know what they have to suffer. I had only to imagine every thing terrible, and then say, "The fate reserved for me is worse than this!"
I considered my patron's actions with deep shock. Compassion and general kindness were core parts of his personality, but when it came to me, they felt absent and lifeless. His own interests demanded that he earn my goodwill; instead, he chose to control me through fear and scrutinize me with constant anxiety. I reflected gloomily on the nature of my misfortune. I felt that no one had ever faced a situation as pathetic as mine. Every part of me seemed to have a separate existence, crawling within me. I had plenty of reasons to believe that Mr. Falkland's threats were serious. I was aware of his power; I felt his dominance. If I faced him, what chance did I have of winning? If I lost, what punishment awaited me? It seemed my whole life would be spent in subservience. What a terrible fate! And if that were the case, what protection did I have against the injustices of a man who was watchful, unpredictable, and ruthless? I envied the condemned person on the scaffold; I envied the victim of the inquisition enduring their torture. They know what to expect. I could only imagine every horror and then think, "The fate waiting for me is worse than this!"
It was well for me that these sensations were transient: human nature could not long support itself under what I then felt. By degrees my mind shook off its burthen. Indignation succeeded to emotions of terror. The hostility of Mr. Falkland excited hostility in me. I determined I would never calumniate him in matters of the most trivial import, much less betray the grand secret upon which every thing dear to him depended. But, totally abjuring the offensive, I resolved to stand firmly upon the defensive. The liberty of acting as I pleased I would preserve, whatever might be the risk. If I were worsted in the contest, I would at least have the consolation of reflecting that I had exerted myself with energy. In proportion as I thus determined, I drew off my forces from petty incursions, and felt the propriety of acting with premeditation and system. I ruminated incessantly upon plans of deliverance, but I was anxious that my choice should not be precipitately made.
It was lucky for me that these feelings didn’t last long: human nature can’t endure what I was going through for too long. Little by little, my mind started to shake off its burden. Anger replaced my feelings of fear. Mr. Falkland’s hostility provoked my own. I decided I would never speak ill of him over even the smallest matters, let alone reveal the major secret that everything dear to him depended on. But completely avoiding being offensive, I chose to firmly stay on the defensive. I would protect my freedom to act as I wanted, no matter the risk. If I lost the battle, at least I could take comfort in knowing that I had fought with determination. As I made this decision, I pulled my focus away from minor conflicts and felt it was right to act with careful planning and strategy. I constantly thought about ways to escape, but I was determined not to make a hasty choice.
It was during this period of my deliberation and uncertainty that Mr. Forester terminated his visit. He observed a strange distance in my behaviour, and, in his good-natured, rough way, reproached me for it. I could only answer with a gloomy look of mysterious import, and a mournful and expressive silence. He sought me for an explanation, but I was now as ingenious in avoiding as I had before been ardent to seek him; and he quitted our house, as he afterwards told me, with an impression, that there was some ill destiny that hung over it, which seemed fated to make all its inhabitants miserable, without its being possible for a bystander to penetrate the reason.
It was during this time of my confusion and uncertainty that Mr. Forester ended his visit. He noticed a strange distance in my behavior and, in his good-natured, rough way, called me out on it. I could only respond with a gloomy look that hinted at something deeper and a sad, meaningful silence. He tried to get me to explain, but I was now as clever at avoiding the topic as I had been eager to pursue it before; and he left our house, as he later told me, with the feeling that there was some bad fate hanging over it, making all its residents miserable, while it was impossible for an outsider to understand why.
CHAPTER VIII.
Mr. Forester had left us about three weeks, when Mr. Falkland sent me upon some business to an estate he possessed in a neighbouring county, about fifty miles from his principal residence. The road led in a direction wholly wide of the habitation of our late visitor. I was upon my return from the place to which I had been sent, when I began in fancy to take a survey of the various circumstances of my condition, and by degrees lost, in the profoundness of my contemplation, all attention to the surrounding objects. The first determination of my mind was to escape from the lynx-eyed jealousy and despotism of Mr. Falkland; the second to provide, by every effort of prudence and deliberation I could devise, against the danger with which I well knew my attempt must be accompanied.
Mr. Forester had been gone about three weeks when Mr. Falkland sent me on an errand to an estate he owned in a nearby county, about fifty miles from his main residence. The road led in a direction completely away from where our recent visitor had lived. I was on my way back from the place I had been sent to when I started to mentally assess the different aspects of my situation, and gradually lost focus on my surroundings as I delved deeper into my thoughts. My first decision was to break free from the sharp-eyed jealousy and control of Mr. Falkland; my second was to use every bit of caution and thoughtfulness I could come up with to guard against the danger I knew would come with my attempt.
Occupied with these meditations, I rode many miles before I perceived that I had totally deviated from the right path. At length I roused myself, and surveyed the horizon round me; but I could observe nothing with which my organ was previously acquainted. On three sides, the heath stretched as far as the eye could reach; on the fourth, I discovered at some distance a wood of no ordinary dimensions. Before me, scarcely a single track could be found, to mark that any human being had ever visited the spot. As the best expedient I could devise, I bent my course towards the wood I have mentioned, and then pursued, as well as I was able, the windings of the inclosure. This led me, after some time, to the end of the heath; but I was still as much at a loss as ever respecting the road I should pursue. The sun was hid from me by a grey and cloudy atmosphere; I was induced to continue along the skirts of the wood, and surmounted with some difficulty the hedges and other obstacles that from time to time presented themselves. My thoughts were gloomy and disconsolate; the dreariness of the day, and the solitude which surrounded me, seemed to communicate a sadness to my soul. I had proceeded a considerable way, and was overcome with hunger and fatigue, when I discovered a road and a little inn at no great distance. I made up to them, and upon enquiry found that, instead of pursuing the proper direction, I had taken one that led to Mr. Forester's rather than to my own habitation. I alighted, and was entering the house, when the appearance of that gentleman struck my eyes.
Lost in my thoughts, I rode for miles before I realized that I had completely strayed from the right path. Eventually, I snapped out of it and looked around, but nothing seemed familiar. On three sides, the heath stretched as far as I could see; on the fourth, I noticed a large forest in the distance. In front of me, there were hardly any signs that anyone had ever been there. The best option I could think of was to head towards the forest I mentioned and follow its winding edges as best as I could. After a while, this path brought me to the edge of the heath, yet I was still just as lost about which way to go. The sun was hidden by a dull, cloudy sky; I decided to keep going along the edge of the forest and struggled over the hedges and obstacles that popped up along the way. My thoughts were dark and heavy; the bleakness of the day and the loneliness around me seemed to weigh down my spirit. I had traveled quite a distance and was feeling both hungry and exhausted when I finally spotted a road and a small inn nearby. I headed towards them, and when I asked for directions, I found out that instead of going the right way, I had taken a route that led to Mr. Forester's place instead of my own. I got down from my horse and was entering the inn when I caught sight of Mr. Forester himself.
Mr. Forester accosted me with kindness, invited me into the room where he had been sitting, and enquired what accident had brought me to that place.
Mr. Forester approached me warmly, invited me into the room where he had been sitting, and asked what brought me to that place.
While he was speaking, I could not help recollecting the extraordinary manner in which we were thus once more brought together, and a train of ideas was by this means suggested to my mind. Some refreshment was, by Mr. Forester's order, prepared for me; I sat down, and partook of it. Still this thought dwelt upon my recollection:—"Mr. Falkland will never be made acquainted with our meeting; I have an opportunity thrown in my way, which if I do not improve, I shall deserve all the consequences that may result. I can now converse with a friend, and a powerful friend, without fear of being watched and overlooked." What wonder that I was tempted to disclose, not Mr. Falkland's secret, but my own situation, and receive the advice of a man of worth and experience, which might perhaps be adequately done without entering into any detail injurious to my patron?
While he was speaking, I couldn’t help but remember the unusual way we were brought together again, and this led to a stream of thoughts in my mind. Mr. Forester had some refreshments prepared for me; I sat down and enjoyed them. Yet, this thought lingered in my mind: "Mr. Falkland will never find out about our meeting; I have an opportunity here that I should seize, or I'll deserve whatever consequences come from it. I can now talk to a friend, a powerful friend, without worrying about being watched." It's no surprise that I was tempted to reveal not Mr. Falkland's secret, but my own situation, and seek the advice of a capable and experienced man, which could perhaps be done without going into any damaging details about my patron.
Mr. Forester, on his part, expressed a desire to learn why it was I thought myself unhappy, and why I had avoided him during the latter part of his residence under the same roof, as evidently as I had before taken pleasure in his communications. I replied, that I could give him but an imperfect satisfaction upon these points; but what I could, I would willingly explain. The fact, I proceeded, was, that there were reasons which rendered it impossible for me to have a tranquil moment under the roof of Mr. Falkland. I had revolved the matter again and again in my mind, and was finally convinced that I owed it to myself to withdraw from his service. I added, that I was sensible, by this half-confidence, I might rather seem to merit the disapprobation of Mr. Forester than his countenance; but I declared my persuasion that, if he could be acquainted with the whole affair, however strange my behaviour might at present appear, he would applaud my reserve.
Mr. Forester wanted to know why I felt unhappy and why I had kept my distance from him during the last part of his stay in the same house, especially since I had previously enjoyed our conversations. I told him that I could only give him a partial answer on these matters, but I was willing to explain as much as I could. The truth was that there were reasons making it impossible for me to feel at peace under Mr. Falkland's roof. I had thought about it repeatedly and was finally convinced that I needed to leave his service for my own well-being. I mentioned that with this partial honesty, I might seem to deserve Mr. Forester's disapproval rather than his support, but I genuinely believed that if he knew the entire situation, no matter how strange my behavior might seem now, he would understand and appreciate my discretion.
He appeared to muse for a moment upon what I had said, and then asked what reason I could have to complain of Mr. Falkland? I replied, that I entertained the deepest reverence for my patron; I admired his abilities, and considered him as formed for the benefit of his species. I should in my own opinion be the vilest of miscreants, if I uttered a whisper to his disadvantage. But this did not avail: I was not fit for him; perhaps I was not good enough for him; at all events, I must be perpetually miserable so long as I continued to live with him.
He seemed to think for a moment about what I had said, and then asked why I would have any reason to complain about Mr. Falkland. I replied that I had the utmost respect for my patron; I admired his skills and saw him as someone created for the good of humanity. In my opinion, I would be the worst kind of person if I ever spoke a word against him. But that didn’t change anything: I wasn’t right for him; maybe I wasn’t good enough for him; in any case, I would remain constantly unhappy as long as I lived with him.
I observed Mr. Forester gaze upon me eagerly with curiosity and surprise; but this circumstance I did not think proper to notice. Having recovered himself, he enquired, why then, that being the case, I did not quit his service? I answered, what he now touched upon was that which most of all contributed to my misfortune. Mr. Falkland was not ignorant of my dislike to my present situation; perhaps he thought it unreasonable, unjust; but I knew that he would never be brought to consent to my giving way to it.
I noticed Mr. Forester looking at me eagerly with curiosity and surprise, but I didn’t think it was appropriate to acknowledge it. Once he collected himself, he asked why, given that situation, I didn’t leave his service. I replied that what he just brought up was the main thing that contributed to my misfortune. Mr. Falkland was well aware of my dislike for my current situation; he might have thought it was unreasonable or unfair, but I knew he would never agree to me leaving it behind.
Here Mr. Forester interrupted me, and, smiling, said, I magnified obstacles, and over-rated my own importance; adding, that he would undertake to remove that difficulty, as well as to provide me with a more agreeable appointment. This suggestion produced in me a serious alarm. I replied, that I must entreat him upon no account to think of applying to Mr. Falkland upon the subject. I added, that perhaps I was only betraying my imbecility; but in reality, unacquainted as I was with experience and the world, I was afraid, though disgusted with my present residence, to expose myself upon a mere project of my own, to the resentment of so considerable a man as Mr. Falkland. If he would favour me with his advice upon the subject, or if he would only give me leave to hope for his protection in case of any unforeseen accident, this was all I presumed to request; and, thus encouraged. I would venture to obey the dictates of my inclination, and fly in pursuit of my lost tranquillity.
Here Mr. Forester interrupted me, smiling, and said that I exaggerated obstacles and overestimated my own importance. He added that he would take care of that issue and also find me a more pleasant position. This suggestion made me seriously uneasy. I replied that I had to insist he not consider reaching out to Mr. Falkland about this. I mentioned that I might just be revealing my own foolishness; however, being inexperienced and unfamiliar with the world, I was afraid, even though I was frustrated with my current situation, to put myself at the mercy of such an influential man as Mr. Falkland based on a mere idea of mine. If he could offer me some advice or at least give me hope for his support in case of any unexpected issues, that was all I dared to ask for. Encouraged by this, I would be willing to follow my instincts and seek out my lost peace of mind.
Having thus opened myself to this generous friend, as far as I could do it with propriety and safety, he sat for some time silent, with an air of deep reflection. At length, with a countenance of unusual severity, and a characteristic fierceness of manner and voice, he thus addressed me: "Young man, perhaps you are ignorant of the nature of the conduct you at present hold. May be, you do not know that where there is mystery, there is always something at bottom that will not bear the telling. Is this the way to obtain the favour of a man of consequence and respectability? To pretend to make a confidence, and then tell him a disjointed story that has not common sense in it!"
Having opened up to this generous friend as much as I felt was appropriate and safe, he sat in silence for a while, looking deep in thought. Finally, with an unusually serious expression and a characteristic intensity in his manner and voice, he addressed me: "Young man, you might not realize the nature of the behavior you're currently displaying. Perhaps you don’t understand that where there's mystery, there's usually something underneath that shouldn't be shared. Is this how you intend to win the favor of a person of importance and respect? By pretending to confide in him and then telling a jumbled story that lacks common sense?"
I answered, that, whatever were the amount of that prejudice, I must submit. I placed my hope of a candid construction, in the present instance, in the rectitude of his nature.
I replied that, no matter how strong that prejudice was, I had to accept it. I placed my hope for a fair interpretation, in this case, in his inherent goodness.
He went on: "You do so; do you? I tell you, sir, the rectitude of my nature is an enemy to disguise. Come, boy, you must know that I understand these things better than you. Tell all, or expect nothing from me but censure and contempt."
He continued, "You really do, don’t you? Let me tell you, my sense of integrity doesn't allow for hiding the truth. Come on, kid, you should know that I get this better than you do. Spill it all, or don’t expect anything from me but criticism and disdain."
"Sir," replied I, "I have spoken from deliberation; I have told you my choice, and, whatever be the result, I must abide by it. If in this misfortune you refuse me your assistance, here I must end, having gained by the communication only your ill opinion and displeasure."
"Sir," I replied, "I have thought this through; I've shared my choice with you, and no matter what happens, I have to stick by it. If in this unfortunate situation you won’t help me, then I'll have to accept that I’ve only earned your disapproval and dissatisfaction through this conversation."
He looked hard at me, as if he would see me through. At length he relaxed his features, and softened his manner. "You are a foolish, headstrong boy," said he, "and I shall have an eye upon you. I shall never place in you the confidence I have done. But—I will not desert you. At present, the balance between approbation and dislike is in your favour. How long it will last, I cannot tell; I engage for nothing. But it is my rule to act as I feel. I will for this time do as you require;—and, pray God, it may answer. I will receive you, either now or hereafter, under my roof, trusting that I shall have no reason to repent, and that appearances will terminate as favourably as I wish, though I scarcely know how to hope it."
He stared at me intently, as if trying to see right through me. Eventually, he relaxed his features and softened his tone. "You're a foolish, headstrong kid," he said, "and I’ll be keeping an eye on you. I won’t trust you like I did before. But—I won’t abandon you. Right now, the balance between my approval and disapproval is in your favor. How long that will last, I can't say; I’m not promising anything. But I always try to act on my feelings. This time, I'll do what you want;—and hopefully, it turns out well. I will welcome you, either now or later, under my roof, trusting that I won’t have any regrets and that things will end as well as I hope, even though I hardly know how to expect that."
We were engaged in the earnest discussion of subjects thus interesting to my peace, when we were interrupted by an event the most earnestly to have been deprecated. Without the smallest notice, and as if he had dropped upon us from the clouds, Mr. Falkland burst into the room. I found afterwards that Mr. Forester had come thus far upon an appointment to meet Mr. Falkland, and that the place of their intended rendezvous was at the next stage. Mr. Forester was detained at the inn where we now were by our accidental rencounter, and in reality had for the moment forgotten his appointment; while Mr. Falkland, not finding him where he expected, proceeded thus far towards the house of his kinsman. To me the meeting was most unaccountable in the world.
We were deeply engaged in discussing topics important to my peace of mind when we were interrupted by a most unwelcome event. Without any warning, as if he had fallen from the sky, Mr. Falkland burst into the room. I later learned that Mr. Forester had come this way to meet Mr. Falkland, and their planned meeting spot was at the next stage. Mr. Forester was held up at the inn where we were due to our unexpected encounter, and he had actually forgotten about his appointment for the moment. Meanwhile, Mr. Falkland, not finding him where he had expected, had come this far towards his relative's house. To me, the meeting was completely inexplicable.
I instantly foresaw the dreadful complication of misfortune that was included in this event. To Mr. Falkland, the meeting between me and his relation must appear not accidental, but, on my part at least, the result of design. I was totally out of the road I had been travelling by his direction; I was in a road that led directly to the house of Mr. Forester. What must he think of this? How must he suppose I came to that place? The truth, if told, that I came there without design, and purely in consequence of having lost my way, must appear to be the most palpable lie that ever was devised.
I immediately saw the terrible twist of fate that this event would bring. To Mr. Falkland, my meeting with his relative couldn’t possibly seem accidental; it would look like it was planned on my part. I had completely strayed from the path I was taking based on his directions; I was now on a route that went straight to Mr. Forester’s house. What must he think of this? How could he believe I ended up there? The truth, if I told it—that I arrived there by accident, simply because I got lost—would sound like the most obvious lie ever made.
Here then I stood detected in the fact of that intercourse which had been so severely forbidden. But in this instance it was infinitely worse than in those which had already given so much disturbance to Mr. Falkland. It was then frank and unconcealed; and therefore the presumption was, that it was for purposes that required no concealment. But the present interview, if concerted, was in the most emphatical degree clandestine. Nor was it less perilous than it was clandestine: it had been forbidden with the most dreadful menaces; and Mr. Falkland was not ignorant how deep an impression those menaces had made upon my imagination. Such a meeting therefore could not have been concerted under such circumstances, for a trivial purpose, or for any purpose that his heart did not ache to think of. Such was the amount of my crime, such was the agony my appearance was calculated to inspire; and it was reasonable to suppose that the penalty I had to expect would be proportionable. The threats of Mr. Falkland still sounded in my ears, and I was in a transport of terror.
Here I was, caught in the act of doing something that had been strictly forbidden. But this time it was far worse than the past incidents that had already troubled Mr. Falkland so much. Back then, it was open and obvious; so it seemed like it was for reasons that didn’t need to be hidden. But this meeting, if planned, was definitely secretive. It was also just as dangerous as it was hidden: it had been prohibited with terrifying threats, and Mr. Falkland knew how much those threats had affected me. Therefore, such a meeting couldn’t have been planned under those circumstances for something trivial or for any reason that didn’t make his heart ache to think about. This was the extent of my wrongdoing, and this was the dread my presence was bound to cause; it was reasonable to expect that the punishment I faced would be severe. Mr. Falkland’s threats still echoed in my ears, and I was in a state of panic.
The conduct of the same man in different circumstances, is often so various as to render it very difficult to be accounted for. Mr. Falkland, in this to him, terrible crisis, did not seem to be in any degree hurried away by passion. For a moment he was dumb; his eyes glared with astonishment; and the next moment, as it were, he had the most perfect calmness and self-command. Had it been otherwise, I have no doubt that I should instantly have entered into an explanation of the manner in which I came there, the ingenuousness and consistency of which could not but have been in some degree attended with a favourable event. But, as it was, I suffered myself to be overcome; I yielded, as in a former instance, to the discomfiting influence of surprise. I dared scarcely breathe; I observed the appearances with equal anxiety and surprise. Mr. Falkland quietly ordered me to return home, and take along with me the groom he had brought with him. I obeyed in silence.
The way the same person acts in different situations can be so varied that it's hard to explain. Mr. Falkland, during this terrifying moment for him, didn’t seem swayed by emotion at all. For a brief moment, he was speechless; his eyes were wide with shock; then, suddenly, he was completely calm and composed. If it had been different, I’m sure I would have quickly explained how I ended up there, and my honest and consistent explanation would likely have led to a favorable outcome. But as it was, I let myself be overwhelmed; I surrendered, just like in a previous situation, to the disorienting impact of surprise. I barely dared to breathe; I observed everything with a mix of anxiety and astonishment. Mr. Falkland calmly instructed me to go home and take the groom he had brought with him. I complied in silence.
I afterwards understood, that he enquired minutely of Mr. Forester the circumstances of our meeting; and that that gentleman, perceiving that the meeting itself was discovered, and guided by habits of frankness, which, when once rooted in a character, it is difficult to counteract, told Mr. Falkland every thing that had passed, together with the remarks it had suggested to his own mind. Mr. Falkland received the communication with an ambiguous and studied silence, which by no means operated to my advantage in the already poisoned mind of Mr. Forester. His silence was partly the direct consequence of a mind watchful, inquisitive, and doubting; and partly perhaps was adopted for the sake of the effect it was calculated to produce, Mr. Falkland not being unwilling to encourage prejudices against a character which might one day come in competition with his own.
I later realized that he asked Mr. Forester for all the details about our meeting. Mr. Forester, noticing that the meeting had already been discovered and driven by his straightforward nature, which is hard to change once it's part of someone’s character, shared everything that happened along with his own thoughts about it with Mr. Falkland. Mr. Falkland responded with a vague and deliberate silence, which definitely didn’t help my standing in Mr. Forester's already biased view. His silence was partly because he was alert, curious, and skeptical, and perhaps it was also a strategy to create a certain impression, as Mr. Falkland might not have been opposed to fostering negative biases against someone whose reputation could someday rival his own.
As to me, I went home indeed, for this was not a moment to resist. Mr. Falkland, with a premeditation to which he had given the appearance of accident, had taken care to send with me a guard to attend upon his prisoner. I seemed as if conducting to one of those fortresses, famed in the history of despotism, from which the wretched victim is never known to come forth alive; and when I entered my chamber, I felt as if I were entering a dungeon. I reflected that I was at the mercy of a man, exasperated at my disobedience, and who was already formed to cruelty by successive murders. My prospects were now closed; I was cut off for ever from pursuits that I had meditated with ineffable delight; my death might be the event of a few hours. I was a victim at the shrine of conscious guilt, that knew neither rest nor satiety; I should be blotted from the catalogue of the living, and my fate remain eternally a secret; the man who added my murder to his former crimes, would show himself the next morning, and be hailed with the admiration and applause of his species.
I went home, as there was no resisting this moment. Mr. Falkland, with a plan that seemed accidental, had arranged for a guard to accompany me and watch over his prisoner. It felt like I was leading someone to one of those notorious fortresses known in the history of tyranny, where the unfortunate captives are never seen alive again; and when I stepped into my room, it felt like entering a jail cell. I realized that I was at the mercy of a man who was angry at my defiance and had become cruel through a history of murders. My future was sealed; I was forever cut off from the pursuits that had filled me with endless joy; my death could come within hours. I was a victim to my own unbearable guilt, which knew no peace or satisfaction; I would be erased from the list of the living, and my fate would remain a mystery; the man who added my murder to his growing list of crimes would appear the next morning, celebrated and applauded by society.
In the midst of these terrible imaginations, one idea presented itself that alleviated my feelings. This was the recollection of the strange and unaccountable tranquillity which Mr. Falkland had manifested, when he discovered me in company with Mr. Forester. I was not deceived by this. I knew that the calm was temporary, and would be succeeded by a tumult and whirlwind of the most dreadful sort. But a man under the power of such terrors as now occupied me catches at every reed. I said to myself, "This tranquillity is a period it is incumbent upon me to improve; the shorter its duration may be found, the more speedy am I obliged to be in the use of it." In a word, I took the resolution, because I already stood in fear of the vengeance of Mr. Falkland, to risk the possibility of provoking it in a degree still more inexpiable, and terminate at once my present state of uncertainty. I had now opened my case to Mr. Forester, and he had given me positive assurances of his protection. I determined immediately to address the following letter to Mr. Falkland. The consideration that, if he meditated any thing tragical, such a letter would only tend to confirm him, did not enter into the present feelings of my mind.
In the middle of these awful thoughts, one idea came to me that eased my mind. It was the memory of the strange and unexplainable calm that Mr. Falkland showed when he found me with Mr. Forester. I wasn't fooled by this. I knew that the calm was only temporary and would soon be followed by a storm of the most terrifying kind. But a person feeling the kind of fear I was feeling clings to any bit of hope. I told myself, "This calm is a moment I need to make the most of; the shorter its duration, the quicker I need to act." In other words, I decided, because I was already afraid of Mr. Falkland's wrath, to risk provoking it in an even worse way and end my current state of uncertainty once and for all. I had already explained my situation to Mr. Forester, and he had given me his firm promise of protection. I decided right away to write the following letter to Mr. Falkland. The thought that if he was planning something drastic, such a letter would only confirm his intentions, didn't cross my mind at that moment.
"Sir,
"Mr.
"I have conceived the intention of quitting your service. This is a measure we ought both of us to desire. I shall then be, what it is my duty to be, master of my own actions. You will be delivered from the presence of a person, whom you cannot prevail upon yourself to behold without unpleasing emotions.
"I've decided to leave your service. This is something we should both want. I will then be what I should be, in control of my own actions. You will be free from the presence of someone you find it hard to look at without feeling uncomfortable."
"Why should you subject me to an eternal penance? Why should you consign my youthful hopes to suffering and despair? Consult the principles of humanity that have marked the general course of your proceedings, and do not let me, I entreat you, be made the subject of a useless severity. My heart is impressed with gratitude for your favours. I sincerely ask your forgiveness for the many errors of my conduct. I consider the treatment I have received under your roof, as one almost uninterrupted scene of kindness and generosity. I shall never forget my obligations to you, and will never betray them.
"Why do you want to put me through endless punishment? Why should you force my youthful dreams into suffering and despair? Think about the principles of humanity that have guided your actions, and please don’t make me endure unnecessary harshness. I truly appreciate your kindness. I honestly ask for your forgiveness for the mistakes I’ve made. I see the way I’ve been treated in your home as almost a constant display of kindness and generosity. I will never forget what I owe you, and I will never betray that trust."
"I remain, Sir,
"Best regards, Sir,"
"Your most grateful, respectful,
"Yours sincerely,"
"and dutiful servant,
and loyal servant,
"CALEB WILLIAMS."
"CALEB WILLIAMS."
Such was my employment of the evening of a day which will be ever memorable in the history of my life. Mr. Falkland not being yet returned, though expected every hour, I was induced to make use of the pretence of fatigue to avoid an interview. I went to bed. It may be imagined that my slumbers were neither deep nor refreshing.
Such was how I spent the evening of a day that will always be significant in my life. Mr. Falkland hadn't returned yet, even though I was expecting him any minute, so I used the excuse of being tired to avoid seeing him. I went to bed. You can guess that my sleep was neither deep nor restful.
The next morning I was informed that my patron did not come home till late; that he had enquired for me, and, being told that I was in bed, had said nothing further upon the subject. Satisfied in this respect, I went to the breakfasting parlour, and, though full of anxiety and trepidation, endeavoured to busy myself in arranging the books, and a few other little occupations, till Mr. Falkland should come down. After a short time I heard his step, which I perfectly well knew how to distinguish, in the passage. Presently he stopped, and, speaking to some one in a sort of deliberate, but smothered voice, I overheard him repeat my name as enquiring for me. In conformity to the plan I had persuaded myself to adopt, I now laid the letter I had written upon the table at which he usually sat, and made my exit at one door as Mr. Falkland entered at the other. This done, I withdrew, with flutterings and palpitation, to a private apartment, a sort of light closet at the end of the library, where I was accustomed not unfrequently to sit.
The next morning, I was told that my patron had come home late; he had asked about me and, when informed that I was in bed, didn’t press the matter further. Feeling relieved about that, I went to the breakfast room and, despite being anxious and nervous, tried to keep myself busy arranging books and doing a few other small tasks until Mr. Falkland came down. After a little while, I heard his distinctive footsteps in the hallway. He soon stopped and, speaking to someone in a careful but muffled voice, I heard him mention my name while asking for me. Sticking to the plan I had set for myself, I placed the letter I had written on the table where he usually sat and slipped out through one door just as Mr. Falkland entered through the other. With that done, I moved away, feeling fluttery and tense, to a small private room at the end of the library where I often liked to sit.
I had not been here three minutes, when I heard the voice of Mr. Falkland calling me. I went to him in the library. His manner was that of a man labouring with some dreadful thought, and endeavouring to give an air of carelessness and insensibility to his behaviour. Perhaps no carriage of any other sort could have produced a sensation of such inexplicable horror, or have excited, in the person who was its object, such anxious uncertainty about the event.—"That is your letter," said he, throwing it.
I hadn't been here for three minutes when I heard Mr. Falkland calling for me. I went to him in the library. He seemed like a man struggling with something terrible, trying to act casual and unbothered. No other way of acting could have created such an intense feeling of inexplicable dread or made the person on the receiving end feel such anxious uncertainty about what was coming. "That’s your letter," he said, tossing it to me.
"My lad," continued he, "I believe now you have played all your tricks, and the farce is nearly at an end! With your apishness and absurdity however you have taught me one thing; and, whereas before I have winced at them with torture, I am now as tough as an elephant. I shall crush you in the end with the same indifference, that I would any other little insect that disturbed my serenity.
"My boy," he continued, "I think you've shown all your tricks, and this performance is almost over! With your foolishness and antics, you've taught me one thing; while I once cringed at them in pain, I'm now as tough as an elephant. I'll crush you in the end with the same indifference I'd show to any other little bug that disrupts my peace."
"I am unable to tell what brought about your meeting with Mr. Forester yesterday. It might be design; it might be accident. But, I shall not forget it. You write me here, that you are desirous to quit my service. To that I have a short answer: You never shall quit it with life. If you attempt it, you shall never cease to rue your folly as long as you exist. That is my will; and I will not have it resisted. The very next time you disobey me in that or any other article, there is an end of your vagaries for ever. Perhaps your situation may be a pitiable one; it is for you to look to that. I only know that it is in your power to prevent its growing worse; no time nor chance shall ever make it better.
I can't say what caused your meeting with Mr. Forester yesterday. It could have been intentional or just a coincidence. But I won’t forget it. You wrote to me, saying you want to leave my service. To that, I have a simple response: you will never leave while you’re alive. If you try, you will regret that decision for the rest of your days. That’s my decision, and I won’t allow it to be challenged. The next time you disobey me regarding this or anything else, it will be the end of your odd behavior for good. Maybe your situation is unfortunate; it's up to you to address that. I only know that you have the power to stop it from getting worse; no amount of time or opportunity will ever make it better.
"Do not imagine I am afraid of you! I wear an armour, against which all your weapons are impotent. I have dug a pit for you; and, whichever way you move, backward or forward, to the right or the left, it is ready to swallow you. Be still! If once you fall, call as loud as you will, no man on earth shall hear your cries; prepare a tale however plausible, or however true, the whole world shall execrate you for an impostor. Your innocence shall be of no service to you; I laugh at so feeble a defence. It is I that say it; you may believe what I tell you—Do you not know, miserable wretch!" added he, suddenly altering his tone, and stamping upon the ground with fury, "that I have sworn to preserve my reputation, whatever be the expense; that I love it more than the whole world and its inhabitants taken together? And do you think that you shall wound it? Begone, miscreant! reptile! and cease to contend with insurmountable power!"
"Don't think I'm afraid of you! I wear armor that makes your weapons useless. I've set a trap for you; no matter which way you move, backward or forward, to the right or the left, it's ready to take you in. Be quiet! If you fall, no matter how loud you scream, no one on earth will hear you; prepare any story, no matter how believable or true, the entire world will see you as a fake. Your innocence won't help you; I laugh at such a weak defense. It's me saying this; you can believe what I tell you—Don’t you know, miserable wretch!" he added, suddenly changing his tone and stomping on the ground in anger, "that I have sworn to protect my reputation at any cost; that I value it more than the entire world and all its people combined? And do you think you can damage it? Get lost, scoundrel! Creep! and stop fighting against unstoppable power!"
The part of my history which I am now relating is that which I reflect upon with the least complacency. Why was it, that I was once more totally overcome by the imperious carriage of Mr. Falkland, and unable to utter a word? The reader will be presented with many occasions in the sequel, in which I wanted neither facility in the invention of expedients, nor fortitude in entering upon my justification. Persecution at length gave firmness to my character, and taught me the better part of manhood. But in the present instance I was irresolute, overawed, and abashed.
The part of my story that I’m about to share is the one I feel least proud of. Why was I once again completely overwhelmed by Mr. Falkland’s commanding presence and unable to say a word? In the following passages, you’ll see many moments where I had no trouble coming up with solutions or standing up for myself. Eventually, being persecuted made me stronger and taught me what it really means to be a man. But in this situation, I was uncertain, intimidated, and embarrassed.
The speech I had heard was the dictate of frenzy, and it created in me a similar frenzy. It determined me to do the very thing against which I was thus solemnly warned, and fly from my patron's house. I could not enter into parley with him; I could no longer endure the vile subjugation he imposed on me. It was in vain that my reason warned me of the rashness of a measure, to be taken without concert or preparation. I seemed to be in a state in which reason had no power. I felt as if I could coolly survey the several arguments of the case, perceive that they had prudence, truth, and common sense on their side; and then answer, I am under the guidance of a director more energetic than you.
The speech I had heard was driven by madness, and it sparked a similar madness in me. It made me resolve to do exactly what I had been solemnly warned against and flee from my patron's house. I couldn't engage in discussion with him; I could no longer tolerate the awful control he had over me. My reason warned me how reckless it was to take such a step without any planning or preparation, but it felt like reason had no power in that moment. I felt capable of calmly examining the various arguments, recognizing that they had practicality, truth, and common sense on their side; and then responding, I am following the guidance of someone much more assertive than you.
I was not long in executing what I had thus rapidly determined. I fixed on the evening of that very day as the period of my evasion. Even in this short interval I had perhaps sufficient time for deliberation. But all opportunity was useless to me; my mind was fixed, and each succeeding moment only increased the unspeakable eagerness with which I meditated my escape. The hours usually observed by our family in this country residence were regular; and one in the morning was the time I selected for my undertaking.
I didn’t take long to carry out my sudden decision. I chose that very evening as the time for my getaway. Even in this brief period, I probably had enough time to think things through. But contemplation felt pointless; my mind was made up, and each passing moment only intensified the overwhelming desire I had to escape. The hours my family followed in this country home were routine, and one in the morning was the time I picked for my plan.
In searching the apartment where I slept, I had formerly discovered a concealed door, which led to a small apartment of the most secret nature, not uncommon in houses so old as that of Mr. Falkland, and which had perhaps served as a refuge from persecution, or a security from the inveterate hostilities of a barbarous age. I believed no person was acquainted with this hiding-place but myself. I felt unaccountably impelled to remove into it the different articles of my personal property. I could not at present take them away with me. If I were never to recover them, I felt that it would be a gratification to my sentiment, that no trace of my existence should be found after my departure. Having completed their removal, and waited till the hour I had previously chosen, I stole down quietly from my chamber with a lamp in my hand. I went along a passage that led to a small door opening into the garden, and then crossed the garden, to a gate that intersected an elm-walk and a private horse-path on the outside.
While searching the apartment where I slept, I had previously found a hidden door that led to a small, secret room, which isn't unusual in old houses like Mr. Falkland's. It might have been used as a safe haven from persecution or protection from the long-standing conflicts of a brutal era. I thought no one else knew about this hiding place except me. I felt an inexplicable urge to move my personal belongings into that space. I couldn’t take them with me right now. If I never got them back, it would satisfy me to know that there would be no evidence of my existence after I left. After moving everything, and waiting until the hour I had planned, I quietly crept down from my room with a lamp in my hand. I walked along a hallway that led to a small door opening into the garden, then crossed the garden to a gate that connected to an elm walkway and a private horse path on the outside.
I could scarcely believe my good fortune in having thus far executed my design without interruption. The terrible images Mr. Falkland's menaces had suggested to my mind, made me expect impediment and detection at every step; though the impassioned state of my mind impelled me to advance with desperate resolution. He probably however counted too securely upon the ascendancy of his sentiments, when imperiously pronounced, to think it necessary to take precautions against a sinister event. For myself, I drew a favourable omen as to the final result of my project, from the smoothness of success that attended it in the outset.
I could hardly believe my luck in having carried out my plan so far without any interruptions. The terrifying images Mr. Falkland's threats had conjured in my mind made me expect obstacles and discovery at every turn; yet the intense state of my emotions pushed me to move forward with reckless determination. He probably relied too much on the power of his words, thinking it unnecessary to prepare for an unfortunate outcome. For my part, I took the early smoothness of my success as a good sign for the eventual outcome of my plan.
CHAPTER IX.
The first plan that had suggested itself to me was, to go to the nearest public road, and take the earliest stage for London. There I believed I should be most safe from discovery, if the vengeance of Mr. Falkland should prompt him to pursue me; and I did not doubt, among the multiplied resources of the metropolis, to find something which should suggest to me an eligible mode of disposing of my person and industry. I reserved Mr. Forester in my arrangement, as a last resource, not to be called forth unless for immediate protection from the hand of persecution and power. I was destitute of that experience of the world, which can alone render us fertile in resources, or enable us to institute a just comparison between the resources that offer themselves. I was like the fascinated animal, that is seized with the most terrible apprehensions, at the same time that he is incapable of adequately considering for his own safety.
The first plan that came to mind was to head to the nearest public road and catch the earliest stagecoach to London. I believed I would be safest from being found if Mr. Falkland decided to come after me, and I was confident that among the countless options in the city, I would find a suitable way to manage my situation and work. I kept Mr. Forester in mind as a backup option, only to be contacted for immediate protection against persecution and power. I lacked the worldly experience that is necessary to come up with clever solutions or to make a fair comparison between the options available. I felt like a startled animal, gripped by fear, yet unable to think clearly about how to ensure my own safety.
The mode of my proceeding being digested, I traced, with a cheerful heart, the unfrequented path it was now necessary for me to pursue. The night was gloomy, and it drizzled with rain. But these were circumstances I had scarcely the power to perceive; all was sunshine and joy within me. I hardly felt the ground; I repeated to myself a thousand times, "I am free. What concern have I with danger and alarm? I feel that I am free; I feel that I will continue so. What power is able to hold in chains a mind ardent and determined? What power can cause that man to die, whose whole soul commands him to continue to live?" I looked back with abhorrence to the subjection in which I had been held. I did not hate the author of my misfortunes—truth and justice acquit me of that; I rather pitied the hard destiny to which he seemed condemned. But I thought with unspeakable loathing of those errors, in consequence of which every man is fated to be, more or less, the tyrant or the slave. I was astonished at the folly of my species, that they did not rise up as one man, and shake off chains so ignominious, and misery so insupportable. So far as related to myself, I resolved—and this resolution has never been entirely forgotten by me—to hold myself disengaged from this odious scene, and never fill the part either of the oppressor or the sufferer. My mind continued in this enthusiastical state, full of confidence, and accessible only to such a portion of fear as served rather to keep up a state of pleasurable emotion than to generate anguish and distress, during the whole of this nocturnal expedition. After a walk of three hours, I arrived, without accident, at the village from which I hoped to have taken my passage for the metropolis. At this early hour every thing was quiet; no sound of any thing human saluted my ear. It was with difficulty that I gained admittance into the yard of the inn, where I found a single ostler taking care of some horses. From him I received the unwelcome tidings, that the coach was not expected till six o'clock in the morning of the day after to-morrow, its route through that town recurring only three times a week.
Having figured out my plan, I set off with a light heart down the rarely traveled path I needed to take. The night was dark and drizzly. But those were things I barely noticed; inside, I felt nothing but sunshine and joy. I hardly sensed the ground beneath me; I kept telling myself, "I am free. Why should I care about danger and fear? I know I’m free; I know I will stay that way. What force can bind a mind that’s passionate and determined? What can make a man whose whole being urges him to live, give up?" I looked back with disgust at the subjugation I had endured. I didn’t hate the person responsible for my troubles—truth and justice clear me of that; I actually felt sorry for the harsh fate that seemed to trap him. But I thought with deep disdain about the mistakes that make every person, to some extent, either a tyrant or a victim. I was amazed by the stupidity of my kind for not coming together to cast off such shameful chains and unbearable misery. As for me, I decided—and I've never fully forgotten that decision—to detach myself from this hateful scene and never play the role of either the oppressor or the victim. My mind stayed in this uplifting state, filled with confidence, and only experienced enough fear to keep me excited rather than anxious and distressed, throughout this nighttime journey. After three hours of walking, I arrived safely at the village where I had hoped to catch a ride to the city. At that early hour, everything was quiet; no human sounds greeted me. I struggled to get into the inn's yard, where I found just one stablehand tending to some horses. From him, I got the disappointing news that the coach wouldn’t arrive until six o'clock in the morning two days later, as its route through that town only happened three times a week.
This intelligence gave the first check to the rapturous inebriation by which my mind had been possessed from the moment I quitted the habitation of Mr. Falkland. The whole of my fortune in ready cash consisted of about eleven guineas. I had about fifty more, that had fallen to me from the disposal of my property at the death of my father; but that was so vested as to preclude it from immediate use, and I even doubted whether it would not be found better ultimately to resign it, than, by claiming it, to risk the furnishing a clew to what I most of all dreaded, the persecution of Mr. Falkland. There was nothing I so ardently desired as the annihilation of all future intercourse between us, that he should not know there was such a person on the earth as myself, and that I should never more hear the repetition of a name which had been so fatal to my peace.
This realization was the first wake-up call to the overwhelming intoxication that had taken over my mind since I left Mr. Falkland's place. All my cash amounted to about eleven guineas. I had about fifty more from selling my property after my father's death, but that money was tied up in such a way that I couldn't access it right away. I even wondered if it would be better to just give it up entirely than to risk drawing attention to myself and triggering the very persecution from Mr. Falkland that I feared most. More than anything, I wanted to completely end any future contact between us. I wished he wouldn't even know I existed, and that I would never again hear the name that had caused me so much distress.
Thus circumstanced, I conceived frugality to be an object by no means unworthy of my attention, unable as I was to prognosticate what discouragements and delays might present themselves to the accomplishment of my wishes, after my arrival in London. For this and other reasons, I determined to adhere to my design of travelling by the stage; it only remaining for me to consider in what manner I should prevent the eventful delay of twenty-four hours from becoming, by any untoward event, a source of new calamity. It was by no means advisable to remain in the village where I now was during this interval; nor did I even think proper to employ it, in proceeding on foot along the great road. I therefore decided upon making a circuit, the direction of which should seem at first extremely wide of my intended route, and then, suddenly taking a different inclination, should enable me to arrive by the close of day at a market-town twelve miles nearer to the metropolis.
Given the situation, I realized that being frugal was definitely worth my attention since I couldn't predict what challenges and delays might come my way once I got to London. For this reason and others, I decided to stick to my plan of traveling by stagecoach; all that was left was to figure out how to avoid the potential of the twenty-four-hour delay turning into another setback due to any unforeseen circumstances. It wasn't a good idea to stay in the village during this time, nor did I think it was wise to spend it walking along the main road. So, I decided to take a longer route, one that initially seemed very far from my intended path but would then suddenly shift direction, allowing me to reach a market town that was twelve miles closer to the city by the end of the day.
Having fixed the economy of the day, and persuaded myself that it was the best which, under the circumstances, could be adopted, I dismissed, for the most part, all further anxieties from my mind, and eagerly yielded myself up to the different amusements that arose. I rested and went forward at the impulse of the moment. At one time I reclined upon a bank immersed in contemplation, and at another exerted myself to analyse the prospects which succeeded each other. The haziness of the morning was followed by a spirit-stirring and beautiful day. With the ductility so characteristic of a youthful mind, I forgot the anguish which had lately been my continual guest, and occupied myself entirely in dreams of future novelty and felicity. I scarcely ever, in the whole course of my existence, spent a day of more various or exquisite gratification. It furnished a strong, and perhaps not an unsalutary contrast, to the terrors which had preceded, and the dreadful scenes that awaited me.
After settling my thoughts about the current state of the economy and convincing myself that it was the best decision I could make given the circumstances, I mostly pushed aside any further worries and allowed myself to enjoy the various distractions that came my way. I took time to relax and moved forward with whatever caught my interest in the moment. At one point, I lay back on a grassy bank lost in thought, and at another, I made an effort to analyze the changing prospects around me. The morning's fog was replaced by a bright and invigorating day. With the flexibility typical of youth, I forgot the pain that had been my constant companion lately and filled my mind with dreams of exciting new experiences and happiness. I hardly ever spent a day that was more varied or joyful. It stood in strong, and perhaps even beneficial, contrast to the fears I had faced before and the troubling events that were still to come.
In the evening I arrived at the place of my destination, and enquired for the inn at which the coach was accustomed to call. A circumstance however had previously excited my attention, and reproduced in me a state of alarm.
In the evening, I reached my destination and asked for the inn where the coach usually stopped. However, something had caught my attention earlier and had made me feel anxious.
Though it was already dark before I reached the town, my observation had been attracted by a man, who passed me on horseback in the opposite direction, about half a mile on the other side of the town. There was an inquisitiveness in his gesture that I did not like; and, as far as I could discern his figure, I pronounced him an ill-looking man. He had not passed me more than two minutes before I heard the sound of a horse advancing slowly behind me. These circumstances impressed some degree of uneasy sensation upon my mind. I first mended my pace; and, this not appearing to answer the purpose, I afterwards loitered, that the horseman might pass me. He did so; and, as I glanced at him, I thought I saw that it was the same man. He now put his horse into a trot, and entered the town. I followed; and it was not long before I perceived him at the door of an alehouse, drinking a mug of beer. This however the darkness prevented me from discovering, till I was in a manner upon him. I pushed forward, and saw him no more, till, as I entered the yard of the inn where I intended to sleep, the same man suddenly rode up to me, and asked if my name were Williams.
Even though it was already dark by the time I got to the town, I noticed a man on horseback who passed me going the other way, about half a mile past the town. There was something unsettling about his gesture that I didn’t like, and from what I could see of him, I thought he looked pretty sketchy. He had only been gone for a couple of minutes when I heard the sound of a horse slowly approaching behind me. These things made me feel uneasy. I first picked up my pace, but when that didn’t seem to help, I slowed down so the horseman could pass me. He did, and when I glanced at him, I thought it was the same guy. He then urged his horse to a trot and went into the town. I followed him, and it wasn’t long before I saw him at the door of a bar, drinking a mug of beer. However, the darkness kept me from recognizing him until I was almost right on top of him. I moved ahead and didn’t see him again until I was entering the yard of the inn where I planned to stay, when the same man suddenly rode up to me and asked if my name was Williams.
This adventure, while it had been passing, expelled the gaiety of my mind, and filled me with anxiety. The apprehension however that I felt, appeared to me groundless: if I were pursued, I took it for granted it would be by some of Mr. Falkland's people, and not by a stranger. The darkness took from me some of the simplest expedients of precaution. I determined at least to proceed to the inn, and make the necessary enquiries.
This adventure, while it was happening, took away my happiness and filled me with anxiety. However, the fear I felt seemed unfounded: if I were being chased, I assumed it would be by someone from Mr. Falkland's group, not a stranger. The darkness removed some of the simplest ways to stay safe. I decided to head to the inn and ask the necessary questions.
I no sooner heard the sound of the horse as I entered the yard, and the question proposed to me by the rider, than the dreadful certainty of what I feared instantly took possession of my mind. Every incident connected with my late abhorred situation was calculated to impress me with the deepest alarm. My first thought was, to betake myself to the fields, and trust to the swiftness of my flight for safety. But this was scarcely practicable: I remarked that my enemy was alone; and I believed that, man to man, I might reasonably hope to get the better of him, either by the firmness of my determination, or the subtlety of my invention.
As soon as I heard the sound of the horse when I stepped into the yard, and the rider asked me a question, the horrible truth of what I feared struck me immediately. Every detail related to my recent terrifying experience filled me with deep fear. My first instinct was to run to the fields and rely on my speed to escape. But that was hardly a realistic option: I noticed that my enemy was alone, and I believed that, one-on-one, I could reasonably expect to overcome him, either through my strong resolve or my cleverness.
Thus resolved, I replied in an impetuous and peremptory tone, that I was the man he took me for; adding, "I guess your errand; but it is to no purpose. You come to conduct me back to Falkland House; but no force shall ever drag me to that place alive. I have not taken my resolution without strong reasons; and all the world shall not persuade me to alter it. I am an Englishman, and it is the privilege of an Englishman to be sole judge and master of his own actions."
So, having made up my mind, I responded in an impulsive and commanding tone that I was indeed the person he thought I was. I added, "I can guess why you're here, but it won't work. You're here to take me back to Falkland House, but no one will ever force me to go back there alive. I didn't come to this decision lightly; no one in the world can convince me to change it. I'm English, and as an Englishman, I have the right to be the sole judge and master of my own actions."
"You are in the devil of a hurry," replied the man, "to guess my intentions, and tell your own. But your guess is right; and mayhap you may have reason to be thankful that my errand is not something worse. Sure enough the squire expects you;—but I have a letter, and when you have read that, I suppose you will come off a little of your stoutness. If that does not answer, it will then be time to think what is to be done next."
"You’re in quite a rush," the man replied, "to figure out what I want and share your own plans. But you’re correct; and maybe you should be glad that my purpose isn’t anything worse. The squire is certainly waiting for you;—but I have a letter, and once you read that, I think you’ll ease up a bit. If that doesn’t work, then we can figure out what to do next."
Thus saying, he gave me his letter, which was from Mr. Forester, whom, as he told me, he had left at Mr. Falkland's house. I went into a room of the inn for the purpose of reading it, and was followed by the bearer. The letter was as follows:—
Thus saying, he gave me his letter, which was from Mr. Forester, who, as he told me, he had left at Mr. Falkland's house. I went into a room at the inn to read it, and was followed by the messenger. The letter was as follows:—
WILLIAMS,
WILLIAMS,
"My brother Falkland has sent the bearer in pursuit of you. He expects that, if found, you will return with him: I expect it too. It is of the utmost consequence to your future honour and character. After reading these lines, if you are a villain and a rascal, you will perhaps endeavour to fly; if your conscience tells you, you are innocent, you will, out of all doubt, come back. Show me then whether I have been your dupe: and, while I was won over by your seeming ingenuousness, have suffered myself to be made the tool of a designing knave. If you come, I pledge myself that, if you clear your reputation, you shall not only be free to go wherever you please, but shall receive every assistance in my power to give. Remember, I engage for nothing further than that.
"My brother Falkland sent someone to look for you. He believes that if he finds you, you’ll come back with him, and I believe so too. This is extremely important for your future honor and reputation. After reading this, if you’re a villain and a scoundrel, you might try to run away; but if your conscience tells you that you’re innocent, there’s no doubt you’ll come back. Show me whether I’ve been fooled by you: if I was swayed by your apparent sincerity and allowed myself to be used by a scheming trickster. If you return, I promise that if you clear your name, you won’t just be free to go wherever you want, but you’ll also get all the help I can offer. Remember, I’m only committing to that."
"VALENTINE FORESTER."
"Valentine Forester."
What a letter was this! To a mind like mine, glowing with the love of virtue, such an address was strong enough to draw the person to whom it was addressed from one end of the earth to the other. My mind was full of confidence and energy. I felt my own innocence, and was determined to assert it. I was willing to be driven out a fugitive; I even rejoiced in my escape, and cheerfully went out into the world destitute of every provision, and depending for my future prospects upon my own ingenuity.
What a letter this was! For someone like me, who is passionate about doing what’s right, such a message could inspire the person it was meant for to travel anywhere in the world. I was filled with confidence and energy. I felt my own innocence and was determined to stand up for it. I was ready to be cast out like a fugitive; I even found joy in my escape and willingly stepped into the world with nothing besides my own skills to rely on for my future.
Thus much, said I, Falkland! you may do. Dispose of me as you please with respect to the goods of fortune; but you shall neither make prize of my liberty, nor sully the whiteness of my name. I repassed in my thoughts every memorable incident that had happened to me under his roof. I could recollect nothing, except the affair of the mysterious trunk, out of which the shadow of a criminal accusation could be extorted. In that instance my conduct had been highly reprehensible, and I had never looked back upon it without remorse and self-condemnation. But I did not believe that it was of the nature of those actions which can be brought under legal censure. I could still less persuade myself that Mr. Falkland, who shuddered at the very possibility of detection, and who considered himself as completely in my power, would dare to bring forward a subject so closely connected with the internal agony of his soul. In a word, the more I reflected on the phrases of Mr. Forester's billet, the less could I imagine the nature of those scenes to which they were to serve as a prelude.
“Enough of this, Falkland! You can do whatever you want with my fortune, but you won't take my freedom or tarnish my reputation. I went over every significant event that occurred under your roof in my mind. I couldn’t remember anything except the mysterious trunk incident, which could be twisted into a hint of a criminal accusation. In that case, I had acted in a way that was truly wrong, and I regretted it every time I thought back on it. But I didn’t think it was something that could be punished by law. I found it even harder to believe that Mr. Falkland, who feared the possibility of being found out and who saw himself as fully in my control, would dare to bring up a topic so deeply tied to his inner turmoil. Simply put, the more I thought about the phrases in Mr. Forester's note, the less I could figure out what kind of situations they were hinting at.”
The inscrutableness however of the mystery they contained, did not suffice to overwhelm my courage. My mind seemed to undergo an entire revolution. Timid and embarrassed as I had felt myself, when I regarded Mr. Falkland as my clandestine and domestic foe, I now conceived that the case was entirely altered. "Meet me," said I, "as an open accuser: if we must contend, let us contend in the face of day; and then, unparalleled as your resources may be, I will not fear you." Innocence and guilt were, in my apprehension, the things in the whole world the most opposite to each other. I would not suffer myself to believe, that the former could be confounded with the latter, unless the innocent man first allowed himself to be subdued in mind, before he was defrauded of the good opinion of mankind. Virtue rising superior to every calamity, defeating by a plain unvarnished tale all the stratagems of Vice, and throwing back upon her adversary the confusion with which he had hoped to overwhelm her, was one of the favourite subjects of my youthful reveries. I determined never to prove an instrument of destruction to Mr. Falkland; but I was not less resolute to obtain justice to myself.
However, the mystery they held didn’t shake my courage. My mind seemed to undergo a complete change. As timid and awkward as I felt when I saw Mr. Falkland as my secret and personal enemy, I now believed the situation was entirely different. "Confront me," I said, "as a direct accuser: if we must fight, let’s do it openly; and even if your resources are unmatched, I won’t fear you." In my view, innocence and guilt were the most contradictory concepts in the world. I refused to believe that innocence could be confused with guilt unless the innocent person first allowed themselves to be mentally defeated before losing the good opinion of others. The idea of virtue overcoming every hardship, triumphing over all the tricks of vice with a simple, honest story, and sending back the shame that the adversary hoped to impose on her was one of the favorite themes of my youthful daydreams. I resolved never to be an instrument of destruction for Mr. Falkland; however, I was equally determined to fight for justice for myself.
The issue of all these confident hopes I shall immediately have occasion to relate. It was thus, with the most generous and undoubting spirit, that I rushed upon irretrievable ruin.
The issue of all these confident hopes I’ll soon need to discuss. It was with the most generous and unwavering spirit that I leaped into irreversible ruin.
"Friend," said I to the bearer, after a considerable interval of silence, "you are right. This is, indeed, an extraordinary letter you have brought me; but it answers its purpose. I will certainly go with you now, whatever be the consequence. No person shall ever impute blame to me, so long as I have it in my power to clear myself."
"Friend," I said to the messenger after a significant pause, "you’re right. This is definitely an extraordinary letter you’ve brought me; but it serves its purpose. I will definitely go with you now, no matter the consequences. No one will ever blame me as long as I can defend myself."
I felt, in the circumstances in which I was placed by Mr. Forester's letter, not merely a willingness, but an alacrity and impatience, to return. We procured a second horse. We proceeded on our journey in silence. My mind was occupied again in endeavouring to account for Mr. Forester's letter. I knew the inflexibility and sternness of Mr. Falkland's mind in accomplishing the purposes he had at heart; but I also knew that every virtuous and magnanimous principle was congenial to his character.
I felt, given the situation I was in because of Mr. Forester's letter, not just a willingness but an eagerness and impatience to return. We got a second horse and continued our journey in silence. My mind was busy trying to figure out Mr. Forester's letter. I knew how determined and resolute Mr. Falkland could be in pursuing his goals, but I also knew that every good and noble principle resonated with his character.
When we arrived, midnight was already past, and we were obliged to waken one of the servants to give us admittance. I found that Mr. Forester had left a message for me, in consideration of the possibility of my arrival during the night, directing me immediately to go to bed, and to take care that I did not come weary and exhausted to the business of the following day. I endeavoured to take his advice; but my slumbers were unrefreshing and disturbed. I suffered however no reduction of courage: the singularity of my situation, my conjectures with respect to the present, my eagerness for the future, did not allow me to sink into a languid and inactive state.
When we arrived, it was already past midnight, and we had to wake one of the servants to let us in. I found that Mr. Forester had left me a message, anticipating I might arrive during the night, telling me to go to bed right away and to make sure I wasn’t tired and worn out for the next day’s business. I tried to follow his advice, but my sleep was restless and not refreshing. However, I didn’t lose my courage: the uniqueness of my situation, my thoughts about the present, and my excitement for the future kept me from feeling sluggish and inactive.
Next morning the first person I saw was Mr. Forester. He told me that he did not yet know what Mr. Falkland had to allege against me, for that he had refused to know. He had arrived at the house of his brother by appointment on the preceding day to settle some indispensable business, his intention having been to depart the moment the business was finished, as he knew that conduct on his part would be most agreeable to Mr. Falkland. But he was no sooner come, than he found the whole house in confusion, the alarm of my elopement having been given a few hours before. Mr. Falkland had despatched servants in all directions in pursuit of me; and the servant from the market-town arrived at the same moment with Mr. Forester, with intelligence that a person answering the description he gave, had been there very early in the morning enquiring respecting the stage to London.
The next morning, the first person I saw was Mr. Forester. He told me that he still didn’t know what Mr. Falkland had against me because he had refused to find out. He had arrived at his brother's house the day before as planned to take care of some necessary business, intending to leave as soon as it was done since he knew that would please Mr. Falkland. But as soon as he arrived, he found the whole house in chaos, as news of my elopement had been spread a few hours earlier. Mr. Falkland had sent servants in every direction looking for me, and the servant from the market town arrived at the same time as Mr. Forester, bringing news that someone matching my description had been there very early in the morning asking about the stage to London.
Mr. Falkland seemed extremely disturbed at this information, and exclaimed on me with acrimony, as an unthankful and unnatural villain.
Mr. Falkland looked really upset by this news, and he lashed out at me with anger, calling me an ungrateful and unnatural villain.
Mr. Forester replied, "Have more command of yourself, sir! Villain is a serious appellation, and must not be trifled with. Englishmen are free; and no man is to be charged with villainy, because he changes one source of subsistence for another."
Mr. Forester replied, "Control yourself, sir! Calling someone a villain is a serious accusation and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Englishmen are free, and no one should be labeled a villain just for switching one way of making a living for another."
Mr. Falkland shook his head, and with a smile, expressive of acute sensibility, said, "Brother, brother, you are the dupe of his art. I always considered him with an eye of suspicion, and was aware of his depravity. But I have just discovered—"
Mr. Falkland shook his head and, with a smile that showed deep feeling, said, "Brother, brother, you're falling for his tricks. I've always looked at him with suspicion and knew he was corrupt. But I just found out—"
"Stop, sir!" interrupted Mr. Forester. "I own I thought that, in a moment of acrimony, you might be employing harsh epithets in a sort of random style. But if you have a serious accusation to state, we must not be told of that, till it is known whether the lad is within reach of a hearing. I am indifferent myself about the good opinion of others. It is what the world bestows and retracts with so little thought, that I can make no account of its decision. But that does not authorise me lightly to entertain an ill opinion of another. The slenderest allowance I think I can make to such as I consign to be the example and terror of their species, is that of being heard in their own defence. It is a wise principle that requires the judge to come into court uninformed of the merits of the cause he is to try; and to that principle I am determined to conform as an individual. I shall always think it right to be severe and inflexible in my treatment of offenders; but the severity I exercise in the sequel, must be accompanied with impartiality and caution in what is preliminary."
"Stop, sir!" interrupted Mr. Forester. "I admit I thought that, in a moment of frustration, you might be using harsh words randomly. But if you have a serious accusation to make, we shouldn't hear it until we know whether the boy is available to listen. I personally don't care about others' opinions. It's something the world gives and takes away so casually that I can't value its judgment. But that doesn't give me the right to casually hold a bad opinion of someone. The least I can do for those I view as examples and warnings is to allow them to speak in their own defense. It's a wise principle that requires the judge to come into court unaware of the details of the case he's about to hear, and I am determined to stick to that principle as an individual. I will always believe it's right to be strict and unyielding in how I deal with offenders; however, the severity I apply later must be matched with fairness and caution at the outset."
While Mr. Forester related to me these particulars, he observed me ready to break out into some of the expressions which the narrative suggested; but he would not suffer me to speak. "No," said he; "I would not hear Mr. Falkland against you; and I cannot hear you in your defence. I come to you at present to speak, and not to hear. I thought it right to warn you of your danger, but I have nothing more to do now. Reserve what you have to say to the proper time. Make the best story you can for yourself—true, if truth, as I hope, will serve your purpose; but, if not, the most plausible and ingenious you can invent. That is what self-defence requires from every man, where, as it always happens to a man upon his trial, he has the whole world against him, and has his own battle to fight against the world. Farewell; and God send you a good deliverance! If Mr. Falkland's accusation, whatever it be, shall appear premature, depend upon having me more zealously your friend than ever. If not, this is the last act of friendship you will ever receive from me!"
While Mr. Forester was sharing these details with me, he noticed that I was about to interject with some of the reactions the story prompted; however, he wouldn’t let me speak. “No,” he said, “I won’t listen to Mr. Falkland speak against you, and I can’t hear your defense right now. I’m here to talk, not to listen. I thought it was important to warn you about your danger, but I have nothing more to say now. Save what you need to say for the right moment. Make the best case for yourself—truthful, if the truth, as I hope, will work for you; if not, then make up the most convincing and clever story you can. That’s what self-defense requires from any man, especially when he’s on trial and the whole world is against him, fighting his own battles. Goodbye, and may God grant you a good outcome! If Mr. Falkland's accusation, whatever it is, turns out to be unfounded, you can count on me to be more devotedly your friend than ever. If not, this will be the last act of friendship you receive from me!”
It may be believed that this address, so singular, so solemn, so big with conditional menace, did not greatly tend to encourage me. I was totally ignorant of the charge to be advanced against me; and not a little astonished, when it was in my power to be in the most formidable degree the accuser of Mr. Falkland, to find the principles of equity so completely reversed, as for the innocent but instructed individual to be the party accused and suffering, instead of having, as was natural, the real criminal at his mercy. I was still more astonished at the superhuman power Mr. Falkland seemed to possess, of bringing the object of his persecution within the sphere of his authority; a reflection attended with some check to that eagerness and boldness of spirit, which now constituted the ruling passion of my mind.
It might be thought that this address, so unique, so serious, so full of conditional threat, didn't really encourage me. I had no idea what the accusations against me would be, and I was quite surprised that it was possible for me to be the one to seriously accuse Mr. Falkland, only to find the principles of fairness completely flipped around, with the innocent yet informed individual being the one accused and suffering, instead of having the real criminal at his mercy, as would be expected. I was even more shocked by the almost supernatural power Mr. Falkland seemed to have in bringing the target of his persecution under his control; this thought somewhat dampened the eagerness and boldness that were now the dominant passions of my mind.
But this was no time for meditation. To the sufferer the course of events is taken out of his direction, and he is hurried along with an irresistible force, without finding it within the compass of his efforts to check their rapidity. I was allowed only a short time to recollect myself, when my trial commenced. I was conducted to the library, where I had passed so many happy and so many contemplative hours, and found there Mr. Forester and three or four of the servants already assembled, in expectation of me and my accuser. Every thing was calculated to suggest to me that I must trust only in the justice of the parties concerned, and had nothing to hope from their indulgence. Mr. Falkland entered at one door, almost as soon as I entered at the other.
But this was not a time for reflection. For someone who is suffering, everything spirals out of control, and they are pushed forward by an unstoppable force, unable to slow down the pace of events. I had only a brief moment to gather my thoughts before my trial began. I was taken to the library, where I had spent so many joyful and thoughtful hours, and found Mr. Forester and three or four of the staff already gathered, waiting for me and my accuser. Everything made it clear that I could only rely on the fairness of those involved and had no expectation of their mercy. Mr. Falkland walked in through one door just as I entered through the other.
CHAPTER X.
He began: "It has been the principle of my life, never to inflict a wilful injury upon any thing that lives; I need not express my regret, when I find myself obliged to be the promulgator of a criminal charge. How gladly would I pass unnoticed the evil I have sustained; but I owe it to society to detect an offender, and prevent other men from being imposed upon, as I have been, by an appearance of integrity."
He started, "It's been my guiding principle in life never to intentionally harm any living being. I don’t need to say how much I regret having to bring forward a criminal accusation. I would happily ignore the wrongdoing I've experienced, but I owe it to society to expose an offender and protect others from being deceived, like I was, by a façade of honesty."
"It would be better," interrupted Mr. Forester "to speak directly to the point. We ought not, though unwarily, by apologising for ourselves, to create at such a time a prejudice against an individual, against whom a criminal accusation will always be prejudice enough."
"It would be better," Mr. Forester interrupted, "to get straight to the point. We shouldn't, even unintentionally, create a bias against someone by making excuses for ourselves, especially when a criminal accusation already carries enough prejudice."
"I strongly suspect," continued Mr. Falkland, "this young man, who has been peculiarly the object of my kindness, of having robbed me to a considerable amount."
"I have a strong suspicion," Mr. Falkland continued, "that this young man, who has been the specific recipient of my generosity, has stolen a significant amount from me."
"What," replied Mr. Forester, "are the grounds of your suspicion?"
"What," Mr. Forester replied, "are the reasons for your suspicion?"
"The first of them is the actual loss I have sustained, in notes, jewels, and plate. I have missed bank-notes to the amount of nine hundred pounds, three gold repeaters of considerable value, a complete set of diamonds, the property of my late mother, and several other articles."
"The first thing is the actual loss I've suffered in cash, jewelry, and silverware. I've lost banknotes totaling nine hundred pounds, three valuable gold pocket watches, a full set of diamonds that belonged to my late mother, and several other items."
"And why," continued my arbitrator, astonishment grief, and a desire to retain his self-possession, strong contending in his countenance and voice, "do you fix on this young man as the instrument of the depredation?"
"And why," my mediator continued, a mix of shock, sadness, and a struggle to stay calm evident in his face and voice, "do you choose this young man as the one responsible for the theft?"
"I found him, on my coming home, upon the day when every thing was in disorder from the alarm of fire, in the very act of quitting the private apartment where these articles were deposited. He was confounded at seeing me, and hastened to withdraw as soon as he possibly could."
"I found him, as I was coming home, on the day when everything was chaos because of the fire alarm, in the act of leaving the private room where these items were kept. He was shocked to see me and quickly tried to leave as soon as he could."
"Did you say nothing to him—take no notice of the confusion your sudden appearance produced?"
"Did you not say anything to him—ignore the confusion your sudden appearance caused?"
"I asked what was his errand in that place. He was at first so terrified and overcome, that he could not answer me. Afterwards, with a good deal of faltering, he said that, when all the servants were engaged in endeavouring to save the most valuable part of my property, he had come hither with the same view; but that he had as yet removed nothing."
"I asked him what he was doing there. At first, he was so scared and overwhelmed that he couldn’t respond. After a lot of hesitating, he finally said that while all the servants were busy trying to save the most valuable things from my property, he had come there for the same reason; but he hadn't taken anything yet."
"Did you immediately examine to see that every thing was safe?"
"Did you check right away to make sure everything was okay?"
"No. I was accustomed to confide in his honesty, and I was suddenly called away, in the present instance, to attend to the increasing progress of the flames. I therefore only took out the key from the door of the apartment, having first locked it, and, putting it in my pocket, hastened to go where my presence seemed indispensably necessary."
"No. I was used to trusting his honesty, and then I was suddenly needed to address the growing flames. So, I just took the key out of the apartment door after locking it, put it in my pocket, and hurried to where my presence was absolutely necessary."
"How long was it before you missed your property?"
"How long did it take before you started missing your property?"
"The same evening. The hurry of the scene had driven the circumstance entirely out of my mind, till, going by accident near the apartment, the whole affair, together with the singular and equivocal behaviour of Williams, rushed at once upon my recollection. I immediately entered, examined the trunk in which these things were contained, and, to my astonishment, found the locks broken, and the property gone."
"The same evening. The rush of the scene had completely slipped my mind until I happened to walk near the apartment, and suddenly everything came rushing back, including Williams' strange and ambiguous behavior. I quickly went inside, checked the trunk where these things were stored, and to my surprise, I found the locks broken and the belongings missing."
"What steps did you take upon this discovery?"
"What steps did you take after discovering this?"
"I sent for Williams, and talked to him very seriously upon the subject. But he had now perfectly recovered his self-command, and calmly and stoutly denied all knowledge of the matter. I urged him with the enormousness of the offence, but I made no impression. He did not discover either the surprise and indignation one would have expected from a person entirely innocent, or the uneasiness that generally attends upon guilt. He was rather silent and reserved. I then informed him, that I should proceed in a manner different from what he might perhaps expect. I would not, as is too frequent in such cases, make a general search; for I had rather lose my property for ever without redress, than expose a multitude of innocent persons to anxiety and injustice. My suspicion, for the present, unavoidably fixed upon him. But, in a matter of so great consequence, I was determined not to act upon suspicion. I would neither incur the possibility of ruining him, being innocent, nor be the instrument of exposing others to his depredations, if guilty. I should therefore merely insist upon his continuing in my service. He might depend upon it he should be well watched, and I trusted the whole truth would eventually appear. Since he avoided confession now, I advised him to consider how far it was likely he would come off with impunity at last. This I determined on, that the moment he attempted an escape, I would consider that as an indication of guilt, and proceed accordingly."
"I called for Williams and had a serious conversation with him about the issue. But he had completely regained his composure and calmly and firmly denied any knowledge of it. I pressed him about the seriousness of the offense, but he remained unaffected. He showed neither the surprise and anger one would expect from someone completely innocent nor the discomfort that usually comes with guilt. He was rather quiet and reserved. I then told him that I would handle things differently than he might expect. Instead of conducting a general search, which is common in these situations, I would rather lose my property forever without compensation than put a lot of innocent people through anxiety and injustice. My suspicion, at this moment, was inevitably directed at him. However, given the importance of the matter, I was determined not to act solely on suspicion. I didn’t want to risk ruining him if he was innocent or be the cause of exposing others to his wrongdoing if he was guilty. So, I would simply insist that he continue working for me. He could be sure he would be closely watched, and I hoped the whole truth would come out eventually. Since he avoided confessing now, I urged him to think about how likely it was that he could avoid consequences in the end. I had decided that the moment he tried to escape, I would take that as a sign of guilt and act accordingly."
"What circumstances have occurred from that time to the present?"
"What events have taken place from then until now?"
"None upon which I can infer a certainty of guilt; several that agree to favour a suspicion. From that time Williams was perpetually uneasy in his situation, always desirous, as it now appears, to escape, but afraid to adopt such a measure without certain precautions. It was not long after, that you, Mr. Forester, became my visitor. I observed, with dissatisfaction, the growing intercourse between you, reflecting on the equivocalness of his character, and the attempt he would probably make to render you the dupe of his hypocrisy. I accordingly threatened him severely; and I believe you observed the change that presently after occurred in his behaviour with relation to you."
"None that I can confidently say indicates guilt; several that support a suspicion. From that point on, Williams was constantly uneasy in his position, always wanting to escape, but scared to take action without some precautions. Soon after that, you, Mr. Forester, became my visitor. I noticed, with concern, the increasing interaction between you, thinking about the uncertainty of his character and the likelihood that he would try to make you a victim of his deceit. So, I warned him strongly; and I believe you noticed the change that soon happened in his behavior towards you."
"I did, and it appeared at that time mysterious and extraordinary."
"I did, and it seemed really mysterious and incredible at that moment."
"Some time after, as you well know, a rencounter took place between you, whether accidental or intentional on his part I am not able to say, when he confessed to you the uneasiness of his mind, without discovering the cause, and openly proposed to you to assist him in his flight, and stand, in case of necessity, between him and my resentment. You offered, it seems, to take him into your service; but nothing, as he acknowledged, would answer his purpose, that did not place his retreat wholly out of my power to discover."
"Some time later, as you know, a meeting happened between you. I can't say if it was by chance or on his part, but he admitted he was feeling uneasy without revealing why. He openly asked for your help in escaping and suggested that you should protect him from my anger if necessary. It seems you offered to hire him, but he admitted that nothing would serve his purpose unless it completely removed his ability to be tracked down by me."
"Did it not appear extraordinary to you, that he should hope for any effectual protection from me, while it remained perpetually in your power to satisfy me of his unworthiness?"
"Did it not seem amazing to you that he would expect any real protection from me while you could always prove his unworthiness?"
"Perhaps he had hopes that I should not proceed to that step, at least so long as the place of his retreat should be unknown to me, and of consequence the event of my proceeding dubious. Perhaps he confided in his own powers, which are far from contemptible, to construct a plausible tale, especially as he had taken care to have the first impression in his favour. After all, this protection, on your part, was merely reserved in case all other expedients failed. He does not appear to have had any other sentiment upon the subject, than that, if he were defeated in his projects for placing himself beyond the reach of justice, it was better to have bespoken a place in your patronage than to be destitute of every resource."
"Maybe he hoped I wouldn’t take that step, at least as long as I didn’t know where he was hiding, which would make my decision uncertain. Perhaps he relied on his own abilities, which aren’t insignificant, to spin a believable story, especially since he made sure to create a favorable first impression. After all, your protection was only there as a backup in case all other options failed. It seems he didn’t have any other thoughts on the matter than that if he failed in his attempts to escape justice, it was better to have secured a spot in your support than to be completely without resources."
Mr. Falkland having thus finished his evidence, called upon Robert, the valet, to confirm the part of it which related to the day of the fire.
Mr. Falkland, having finished his testimony, called on Robert, the valet, to confirm the part that was relevant to the day of the fire.
Robert stated, that he happened to be coming through the library that day, a few minutes after Mr. Falkland's being brought home by the sight of the fire; that he had found me standing there with every mark of perturbation and fright; that he could not help stopping to notice it; that he had spoken to me two or three times before he could obtain an answer; and that all he could get from me at last was, that I was the most miserable creature alive.
Robert said that he happened to walk through the library that day just a few minutes after Mr. Falkland was brought home by the sight of the fire. He found me standing there looking very disturbed and scared. He couldn't help but stop to notice it. He spoke to me two or three times before I finally responded, and all I could tell him in the end was that I felt like the most miserable person alive.
He further said, that in the evening of the same day Mr. Falkland called him into the private apartment adjoining to the library, and bid him bring a hammer and some nails. He then showed him a trunk standing in the apartment with its locks and fastening broken, and ordered him to observe and remember what he saw, but not to mention it to any one. Robert did not at that time know what Mr. Falkland intended by these directions, which were given in a manner uncommonly solemn and significant; but he entertained no doubt, that the fastenings were broken and wrenched by the application of a chisel or such-like instrument, with the intention of forcibly opening the trunk.
He then said that on the evening of the same day, Mr. Falkland called him into the private room next to the library and told him to bring a hammer and some nails. He then pointed out a trunk in the room with its locks and fastenings broken and instructed him to observe and remember what he saw, but not to tell anyone. At that moment, Robert didn’t understand what Mr. Falkland meant by these instructions, which were given in a particularly serious and significant way; however, he had no doubt that the fastenings were broken and damaged by a chisel or something similar, with the intent to forcibly open the trunk.
Mr. Forester observed upon this evidence, that as much of it as related to the day of the fire seemed indeed to afford powerful reasons for suspicion; and that the circumstances that had occurred since strangely concurred to fortify that suspicion. Meantime, that nothing proper to be done might be omitted, he asked whether in my flight I had removed my boxes, to see whether by that means any trace could be discovered to confirm the imputation. Mr. Falkland treated this suggestion slightly, saying, that if I were the thief, I had no doubt taken the precaution to obviate so palpable a means of detection. To this Mr. Forester only replied, that conjecture, however skilfully formed, was not always realised in the actions and behaviour of mankind; and ordered that my boxes and trunks, if found, should be brought into the library. I listened to this suggestion with pleasure; and, uneasy and confounded as I was at the appearances combined against me, I trusted in this appeal to give a new face to my cause. I was eager to declare the place where my property was deposited; and the servants, guided by my direction, presently produced what was enquired for.
Mr. Forester noted that the evidence related to the day of the fire indeed provided strong reasons for suspicion, and that the events since then oddly supported that suspicion even more. In the meantime, to ensure nothing important was overlooked, he asked whether I had taken my boxes with me during my escape, thinking that might lead to some clue to confirm the accusation. Mr. Falkland brushed off this idea, saying that if I were the thief, I surely would have taken steps to avoid such obvious detection. Mr. Forester replied that speculation, no matter how cleverly crafted, doesn't always reflect people's actions and behavior; he then ordered that my boxes and trunks, if found, be brought to the library. I welcomed this suggestion; despite feeling anxious and confused about the evidence piling up against me, I hoped this appeal would change the situation in my favor. I was eager to share where my belongings were kept, and the servants, following my instructions, quickly brought forth what was requested.
The two boxes that were first opened, contained nothing to confirm the accusation against me; in the third were found a watch and several jewels, that were immediately known to be the property of Mr. Falkland. The production of this seemingly decisive evidence excited emotions of astonishment and concern; but no person's astonishment appeared to be greater than that of Mr. Falkland. That I should have left the stolen goods behind me, would of itself have appeared incredible; but when it was considered what a secure place of concealment I had found for them, the wonder diminished; and Mr. Forester observed, that it was by no means impossible I might conceive it easier to obtain possession of them afterwards, than to remove them at the period of my precipitate flight.
The first two boxes that were opened had nothing to support the accusation against me; in the third, they found a watch and several pieces of jewelry, which everyone quickly recognized as belonging to Mr. Falkland. The appearance of this seemingly conclusive evidence stirred up feelings of shock and worry; however, no one seemed more shocked than Mr. Falkland himself. The idea that I would have left the stolen items behind was already hard to believe, but when it was considered how well I had hidden them, the amazement faded a bit. Mr. Forester pointed out that it wasn't impossible I thought it would be easier to get them later than to take them with me during my hasty escape.
Here however I thought it necessary to interfere. I fervently urged my right to a fair and impartial construction. I asked Mr. Forester, whether it were probable, if I had stolen these things, that I should not have contrived, at least to remove them along with me? And again, whether, if I had been conscious they would he found among my property, I should myself have indicated the place where I had concealed it?
Here, however, I felt it was necessary to step in. I passionately insisted on my right to a fair and unbiased interpretation. I asked Mr. Forester if it was likely that if I had stolen these things, I wouldn't have found a way to take them with me? And again, if I had known they would be found in my belongings, would I have pointed out where I had hidden them?
The insinuation I conveyed against Mr. Forester's impartiality overspread his whole countenance, for an instant, with the flush of anger.
The suggestion I made about Mr. Forester's fairness briefly made his entire face flush with anger.
"Impartiality, young man! Yes, be sure, from me you shall experience an impartial treatment! God send that may answer your purpose! Presently you shall be heard at full in your own defence.
"Fairness, young man! Yes, rest assured, you will get fair treatment from me! I hope that serves your needs! Soon you will have the chance to speak fully in your own defense."
"You expect us to believe you innocent, because you did not remove these things along with you. The money is removed. Where, sir, is that? We cannot answer for the inconsistences and oversights of any human mind, and, least of all, if that mind should appear to be disturbed with the consciousness of guilt.
"You want us to believe you're innocent just because you didn't take these things with you. The money is gone. Where is it, sir? We can't account for the inconsistencies and oversights of any person, especially not if that person seems to be troubled by the awareness of guilt."
"You observe that it was by your own direction these boxes and trunks have been found: that is indeed extraordinary. It appears little less than infatuation. But to what purpose appeal to probabilities and conjecture, in the face of incontestable facts? There, sir, are the boxes: you alone knew where they were to be found; you alone had the keys: tell us then how this watch and these jewels came to be contained in them?"
"You see that it was by your own guidance that these boxes and trunks were discovered: that’s truly remarkable. It seems almost like obsession. But why bother with probabilities and speculation when the facts are undeniable? There, sir, are the boxes: you alone knew where they were hidden; you alone had the keys. So tell us, how did this watch and these jewels end up inside them?"
I was silent.
I stayed quiet.
To the rest of the persons present I seemed to be merely the subject of detection; but in reality I was, of all the spectators, that individual who was most at a loss to conceive, through every stage of the scene, what, would come next, and who listened to every word that was uttered with the most uncontrollable amazement. Amazement however alternately yielded to indignation and horror. At first I could not refrain from repeatedly attempting to interrupt; but I was checked in these attempts by Mr. Forester; and I presently felt how necessary it was to my future peace, that I should collect the whole energy of my mind to repel the charge, and assert my innocence.
To everyone else in the room, I appeared to be just the focus of scrutiny, but in truth, I was the one person who was completely baffled by what was happening at every point in the situation. I listened to every word spoken with a sense of overwhelming shock. That shock would occasionally shift to anger and horror. At first, I couldn't help but try to interrupt multiple times, but Mr. Forester stopped me each time, and I quickly realized how essential it was for my own peace of mind to gather all my strength to defend myself and prove my innocence.
Every thing being now produced that could be produced against me, Mr. Forester turned to me with a look of concern and pity, and told me that now was the time, if I chose to allege any thing in my defence. In reply to this invitation, I spoke nearly as follows:—
Every piece of evidence that could be used against me had now been presented. Mr. Forester turned to me with a look of concern and sympathy and told me that now was the time if I wanted to say anything in my defense. In response to this invitation, I spoke almost as follows:—
"I am innocent. It is in vain that circumstances are accumulated against me; there is not a person upon earth less capable than I of the things of which I am accused. I appeal to my heart—I appeal to my looks—I appeal to every sentiment my tongue ever uttered."
"I am innocent. No matter how many circumstances are piled up against me, there is no one on this earth less capable than I am of the things I'm accused of. I call upon my heart—I call upon my appearance—I call upon every feeling my words have ever expressed."
I could perceive that the fervour with which I spoke made some impression upon every one that heard me. But in a moment their eyes were turned upon the property that lay before them, and their countenances changed. I proceeded:—
I could tell that the passion in my voice affected everyone who heard me. But in an instant, their attention shifted to the property in front of them, and their expressions changed. I continued:—
"One thing more I must aver;—Mr. Falkland is not deceived; he perfectly knows that I am innocent."
"One more thing I have to say;—Mr. Falkland is not fooled; he knows perfectly well that I am innocent."
I had no sooner uttered these words, than an involuntary cry of indignation burst from every person in the room. Mr. Forester turned to me with a look of extreme severity, and said—
I had barely finished saying these words when an unexpected cry of anger came from everyone in the room. Mr. Forester turned to me with a very serious expression and said—
"Young man, consider well what you are doing! It is the privilege of the party accused to say whatever he thinks proper; and I will take care that you shall enjoy that privilege in its utmost extent. But do you think it will conduce in any respect to your benefit, to throw out such insolent and intolerable insinuations?"
"Young man, think carefully about what you’re doing! The accused has the right to say whatever they believe is appropriate, and I will ensure you have that right to the fullest. But do you really think it will help you in any way to make such rude and unacceptable accusations?"
"I thank you most sincerely," replied I, "for your caution; but I well know what it is I am doing. I make this declaration, not merely because it is solemnly true, but because it is inseparably connected with my vindication. I am the party accused, and I shall be told that I am not to be believed in my own defence. I can produce no other witnesses of my innocence; I therefore call upon Mr. Falkland to be my evidence. I ask him—
"I sincerely thank you," I replied, "for your concern; but I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm making this statement, not just because it's absolutely true, but because it's closely tied to my defense. I am the one being accused, and people will say that I shouldn't be trusted in my own defense. I can’t provide any other witnesses to my innocence; so, I ask Mr. Falkland to support me. I ask him—
"Did you never boast to me in private of your power to ruin me? Did you never say that, if once I brought on myself the weight of your displeasure, my fall should be irreparable? Did you not tell me that, though I should prepare in that case a tale however plausible or however true, you would take care that the whole world should execrate me as an impostor? Were not those your very words? Did you not add, that my innocence should be of no service to me, and that you laughed at so feeble a defence? I ask you further,—Did you not receive a letter from me the morning of the day on which I departed, requesting your consent to my departure? Should I have done that if my flight had been that of a thief? I challenge any man to reconcile the expressions of that letter with this accusation. Should I have begun with stating that I had conceived a desire to quit your service, if my desire and the reasons for it, had been of the nature that is now alleged? Should I have dared to ask for what reason I was thus subjected to an eternal penance?"
"Did you never brag to me privately about your ability to destroy me? Did you never say that if I ever earned your anger, my downfall would be irreversible? Didn’t you tell me that even if I came up with a story, no matter how believable or true, you would ensure that everyone would see me as a fraud? Were those not your exact words? Didn’t you also say that my innocence wouldn’t help me and that you found such a weak defense laughable? I’ll ask you another thing—didn’t you get a letter from me on the morning I left, asking for your permission to go? Would I have done that if my departure was that of a criminal? I dare anyone to reconcile what I wrote in that letter with this accusation. Would I have started by saying I wanted to leave your service if my reasons and desires were what you’re now claiming? Would I have had the nerve to ask why I was being subjected to this endless punishment?"
Saying this, I took out a copy of my letter, and laid it open upon the table.
Saying this, I pulled out a copy of my letter and placed it open on the table.
Mr. Falkland returned no immediate answer to my interrogations. Mr. Forester turned to him, and said.
Mr. Falkland didn't respond right away to my questions. Mr. Forester turned to him and said.
"Well, sir, what is your reply to this challenge of your servant?"
"Well, sir, what's your response to this challenge from your servant?"
Mr. Falkland answered, "Such a mode of defence scarcely calls for a reply. But I answer, I held no such conversation; I never used such words; I received no such letter. Surely it is no sufficient refutation of a criminal charge, that the criminal repels what is alleged against him with volubility of speech, and intrepidity of manner."
Mr. Falkland replied, "That kind of defense barely needs a response. But I will say this: I had no such conversation; I never said those words; I didn't receive any such letter. Surely, just because a person accused of a crime denies the allegations with a lot of talk and boldness doesn’t make it a strong enough refutation."
Mr. Forester then turned to me: "If," said he, "you trust your vindication to the plausibility of your tale, you must take care to render it consistent and complete. You have not told us what was the cause of the confusion and anxiety in which Robert professes to have found you, why you were so impatient to quit the service of Mr. Falkland, or how you account for certain articles of his property being found in your possession."
Mr. Forester then turned to me: "If," he said, "you rely on the believability of your story for your defense, you need to make sure it's consistent and thorough. You haven’t explained what caused the confusion and distress that Robert claims he found you in, why you were so eager to leave Mr. Falkland's service, or how you explain certain items of his property being in your possession."
"All that, sir," answered I, "is true. There are certain parts of my story that I have not told. If they were told, they would not conduce to my disadvantage, and they would make the present accusation appear still more astonishing. But I cannot, as yet at least, prevail upon myself to tell them. Is it necessary to give any particular and precise reasons why I should wish to change the place of my residence? You all of you know the unfortunate state of Mr. Falkland's mind. You know the sternness, reservedness, and distance of his manners. If I had no other reasons, surely it would afford small presumption of criminality that I should wish to change his service for another.
"All of that, sir," I replied, "is true. There are parts of my story I haven’t shared yet. If I did, they wouldn’t hurt me, and they would make the current accusation seem even more unbelievable. But I can’t bring myself to share them just yet. Is it really necessary to provide specific reasons for wanting to change where I live? You all know how troubled Mr. Falkland is. You’re aware of his sternness, reserve, and how distant he can be. Even without other reasons, it’s hardly suspicious that I’d want to leave his service for another."
"The question of how these articles of Mr. Falkland's property came to be found in my possession, is more material. It is a question I am wholly unable to answer. Their being found there, was at least as unexpected to me as to any one of the persons now present. I only know that, as I have the most perfect assurance of Mr. Falkland's being conscious of my innocence—for, observe! I do not shrink from that assertion; I reiterate it with new confidence—I therefore firmly and from my soul believe, that their being there is of Mr. Falkland's contrivance."
"The issue of how Mr. Falkland's belongings ended up in my possession is more important. It's a question I can't answer at all. Their discovery was just as surprising to me as it was to anyone else here. All I know is that I am completely sure Mr. Falkland knows I'm innocent—just to be clear! I stand by that statement; I say it again with even more confidence—so I truly believe, from the bottom of my heart, that their presence there is part of Mr. Falkland's plan."
I no sooner said this, than I was again interrupted by an involuntary exclamation from every one present. They looked at me with furious glances, as if they could have torn me to pieces. I proceeded:—
I had barely finished saying this when I was interrupted by an involuntary exclamation from everyone present. They turned to me with furious looks, as if they wanted to rip me apart. I continued:—
"I have now answered every thing that is alleged against me.
"I have now addressed everything that is claimed about me."
"Mr. Forester, you are a lover of justice; I conjure you not to violate it in my person. You are a man of penetration; look at me! do you see any of the marks of guilt? Recollect all that has ever passed under your observation; is it compatible with a mind capable of what is now alleged against me? Could a real criminal have shown himself so unabashed, composed, and firm as I have now done?
"Mr. Forester, you're someone who values justice; I urge you not to betray it with regard to me. You're someone who can see through things; look at me! Do you see any signs of guilt? Think back on everything you've seen; does it add up to a mind that could do what I'm being accused of? Could a true criminal present themselves so unashamed, calm, and steady as I have just done?"
"Fellow-servants! Mr. Falkland is a man of rank and fortune; he is your master. I am a poor country lad, without a friend in the world. That is a ground of real difference to a certain extent; but it is not a sufficient ground for the subversion of justice. Remember, that I am in a situation that is not to be trifled with; that a decision given against me now, in a case in which I solemnly assure you I am innocent, will for ever deprive me of reputation and peace of mind, combine the whole world in a league against me, and determine perhaps upon my liberty and my life. If you believe—if you see—if you know, that I am innocent, speak for me. Do not suffer a pusillanimous timidity to prevent you from saving a fellow-creature from destruction, who does not deserve to have a human being for his enemy. Why have we the power of speech, but to communicate our thoughts? I will never believe that a man, conscious of innocence, cannot make other men perceive that he has that thought. Do not you feel that my whole heart tells me. I am not guilty of what is imputed to me?
"Listen up, everyone! Mr. Falkland is a man of status and wealth; he is your boss. I’m just a poor country kid with no one to turn to. While that creates a real difference to some extent, it’s not enough to justify the miscarriage of justice. Remember, I’m in a serious situation; a decision against me now, in a case where I firmly assure you I’m innocent, will strip me of my reputation and peace of mind forever, unite everyone against me, and maybe even threaten my freedom and life. If you believe—if you see—if you know I’m innocent, please speak up for me. Don’t let cowardice stop you from saving someone who doesn’t deserve to be treated as an enemy. Why do we have the ability to speak if not to share our thoughts? I refuse to believe that someone who knows they’re innocent can’t make others see that too. Can’t you feel that my whole heart insists I’m not guilty of what I’m accused of?"
"To you, Mr. Falkland, I have nothing to say: I know you, and know that you are impenetrable. At the very moment that you are urging such odious charges against me, you admire my resolution and forbearance. But I have nothing to hope from you. You can look upon my ruin without pity or remorse. I am most unfortunate indeed in having to do with such an adversary. You oblige me to say ill things of you; but I appeal to your own heart, whether my language is that of exaggeration or revenge."
"To you, Mr. Falkland, I have nothing to say: I know you, and I know you're impossible to read. At the exact moment you’re throwing around such detestable accusations against me, you actually admire my determination and self-control. But I have no hope from you. You can watch my downfall without any sympathy or regret. I’m really unfortunate to have to deal with such an opponent. You make me speak poorly of you; but I ask you, deep down, whether my words are exaggerated or vengeful."
Every thing that could be alleged on either side being now concluded, Mr. Forester undertook to make some remarks upon the whole.
Everything that could be argued on both sides has now been addressed, so Mr. Forester took it upon himself to share some thoughts on the matter.
"Williams," said he, "the charge against you is heavy; the direct evidence strong; the corroborating circumstances numerous and striking. I grant that you have shown considerable dexterity in your answers; but you will learn, young man, to your cost, that dexterity, however powerful it may be in certain cases, will avail little against the stubbornness of truth. It is fortunate for mankind that the empire of talents has its limitations, and that it is not in the power of ingenuity to subvert the distinctions of right and wrong. Take my word for it, that the true merits of the case against you will be too strong for sophistry to overturn; that justice will prevail, and impotent malice be defeated.
"Williams," he said, "the accusation against you is serious; the evidence is compelling, and there are many strong supporting details. I acknowledge that you've shown a lot of skill in your responses, but you will soon understand, young man, at your own expense, that skill, no matter how effective it may be in some situations, won’t have much impact against the unyielding nature of truth. It's fortunate for humanity that the power of talent has its limits and that cleverness cannot change the difference between right and wrong. Trust me when I say that the actual merits of the case against you will be too significant for clever arguments to change; justice will win, and spiteful attempts will fail."
"To you, Mr. Falkland, society is obliged for having placed this black affair in its true light. Do not suffer the malignant aspersions of the criminal to give you uneasiness. Depend upon it that they will be found of no weight I have no doubt that your character, in the judgment of every person that has heard them, stands higher than ever. We feel for your misfortune, in being obliged to hear such calumnies from a person who has injured you so grossly. But you must be considered in that respect as a martyr in the public cause. The purity of your motives and dispositions is beyond the reach of malice; and truth and equity will not fail to award, to your calumniator infamy, and to you the love and approbation of mankind.
"Mr. Falkland, society owes you for revealing the truth behind this dark situation. Don’t let the vicious attacks from the criminal bother you. I assure you they will carry no weight. I am confident that your reputation, in the eyes of everyone who has heard these claims, is stronger than ever. We sympathize with your misfortune of having to endure such slander from someone who has wronged you so severely. However, you should be viewed as a martyr for the public good in this respect. The purity of your intentions and character is untouchable by malice; and in the end, truth and justice will reward your accuser with disgrace, while you will receive the love and approval of others."
"I have now told you, Williams, what I think of your case. But I have no right to assume to be your ultimate judge. Desperate as it appears to me, I will give you one piece of advice, as if I were retained as a counsel to assist you. Leave out of it whatever tends to the disadvantage of Mr. Falkland. Defend yourself as well as you can, but do not attack your master. It is your business to create in those who hear you a prepossession in your favour. But the recrimination you have been now practising, will always create indignation. Dishonesty will admit of some palliation. The deliberate malice you have now been showing is a thousand times more atrocious. It proves you to have the mind of a demon, rather than of a felon. Wherever you shall repeat it, those who hear you will pronounce you guilty upon that, even if the proper evidence against you were glaringly defective. If therefore you would consult your interest, which seems to be your only consideration, it is incumbent upon you by all means immediately to retract that. If you desire to be believed honest, you must in the first place show that you have a due sense of merit in others. You cannot better serve your cause than by begging pardon of your master, and doing homage to rectitude and worth, even when they are employed in vengeance against you."
"I've now shared my thoughts on your situation, Williams. However, I can't presume to be the final judge. As desperate as it seems to me, I’ll offer you one piece of advice as if I were your lawyer. Leave out anything that portrays Mr. Falkland negatively. Defend yourself as best as you can, but don’t attack your superior. Your goal should be to win over those listening to you. But the way you’ve been retaliating will only stir up anger. Dishonesty can be somewhat excused. The malice you’ve displayed is far more reprehensible. It shows you have the mind of a demon rather than a criminal. Wherever you say this, people will judge you guilty based solely on that, even if the actual evidence against you is obviously weak. Therefore, if you're looking out for your own best interests, which seems to be your only concern, you need to take immediate steps to retract that. If you want people to believe you're honest, you first have to show that you appreciate the merits of others. You can best support your case by apologizing to your master and acknowledging integrity and worth, even when used against you."
It is easy to conceive that my mind sustained an extreme shock from the decision of Mr. Forester; but his call upon me to retract and humble myself before my accuser penetrated my whole soul with indignation. I answered:—
It’s easy to understand that I was deeply shocked by Mr. Forester’s decision; however, his demand that I retract and submit to my accuser filled me with outrage. I responded:—
"I have already told you I am innocent. I believe that I could not endure the effort of inventing a plausible defence, if it were otherwise. You have just affirmed that it is not in the power of ingenuity to subvert the distinctions of right and wrong, and in that very instant I find them subverted. This is indeed to me a very awful moment. New to the world, I know nothing of its affairs but what has reached me by rumour, or is recorded in books. I have come into it with all the ardour and confidence inseparable from my years. In every fellow-being I expected to find a friend. I am unpractised in its wiles, and have even no acquaintance with its injustice. I have done nothing to deserve the animosity of mankind; but, if I may judge from the present scene, I am henceforth to be deprived of the benefits of integrity and honour. I am to forfeit the friendship of every one I have hitherto known, and to be precluded from the power of acquiring that of others. I must therefore be reduced to derive my satisfaction from myself. Depend upon it, I will not begin that career by dishonourable concessions. If I am to despair of the good-will of other men, I will at least maintain the independence of my own mind. Mr. Falkland is my implacable enemy. Whatever may be his merits in other respects, he is acting towards me without humanity, without remorse, and without principle. Do you think I will ever make submissions to a man by whom I am thus treated, that I will fall down at the feet of one who is to me a devil, or kiss the hand that is red with my blood?"
"I've already told you I’m innocent. I honestly believe I couldn’t handle the effort of coming up with a believable defense if that weren’t true. You just said that no amount of cleverness can change the differences between right and wrong, and in that very moment, I see them being twisted. This is indeed a terrible moment for me. New to the world, I know nothing about its affairs except what I’ve heard through rumors or read in books. I entered it with all the enthusiasm and confidence typical of my age. I expected to find a friend in every person I met. I’m inexperienced in its tricks and unaware of its injustices. I haven’t done anything to deserve the hatred of humanity; yet, judging by the current situation, it seems I will be stripped of the benefits of integrity and honor from here on out. I will lose the friendship of everyone I’ve known and be unable to gain the friendship of others. Therefore, I’ll have to find my satisfaction within myself. You can count on it, I won’t start that journey by making dishonorable compromises. If I’m going to lose the goodwill of other people, I will at least keep the independence of my own mind. Mr. Falkland is my relentless enemy. Regardless of his other qualities, he is treating me without any humanity, remorse, or principles. Do you think I would ever submit to a man who treats me this way, that I would grovel at the feet of someone I see as a devil, or kiss the hand that’s stained with my blood?"
"In that respect," answered Mr. Forester, "do as you shall think proper. I must confess that your firmness and consistency astonish me. They add something to what I had conceived of human powers. Perhaps you have chosen the part which, all things considered, may serve your purpose best; though I think more moderation would be more conciliating. The exterior of innocence will, I grant, stagger the persons who may have the direction of your fate, but it will never be able to prevail against plain and incontrovertible facts. But I have done with you. I see in you a new instance of that abuse which is so generally made of talents, the admiration of an undiscerning public. I regard you with horror. All that remains is, that I should discharge my duty, in consigning you, as a monster of depravity, to the justice of your country."
"In that regard," Mr. Forester replied, "do what you think is right. I must admit that your strength and determination surprise me. They add something to what I thought human capabilities were. Maybe you've picked the approach that, overall, might work best for you, even though I believe a little more moderation would be more agreeable. The appearance of innocence will, I admit, confuse those who have control over your fate, but it won’t stand up against clear and undeniable facts. But I’m done with you. You’re just another example of how talents are misused, admired by a clueless public. I look at you with disgust. All that's left is for me to fulfill my duty by turning you in, as a monster of corruption, to the justice system."
"No," rejoined Mr. Falkland, "to that I can never consent. I have put a restraint upon myself thus far, because it was right that evidence and enquiry should take their course. I have suppressed all my habits and sentiments, because it seemed due to the public that hypocrisy should be unmasked. But I can suffer this violence no longer. I have through my whole life interfered to protect, not overbear, the sufferer; and I must do so now. I feel not the smallest resentment of his impotent attacks upon my character; I smile at their malice; and they make no diminution in my benevolence to their author. Let him say what he pleases; he cannot hurt me. It was proper that he should be brought to public shame, that other people might not be deceived by him as we have been. But there is no necessity for proceeding further; and I must insist upon it that he be permitted to depart wherever he pleases. I am sorry that public interest affords so gloomy a prospect for his future happiness."
"No," Mr. Falkland replied, "I can never agree to that. I've controlled myself up to this point because it was right for evidence and inquiry to happen. I've held back my feelings and habits because it seemed necessary to expose hypocrisy. But I can't endure this mistreatment any longer. Throughout my life, I've stepped in to protect those who suffer, not to overpower them; and I need to do that now. I don't feel the slightest resentment toward his pointless attacks on my character; I can only smile at their malice, and they do nothing to lessen my goodwill towards him. Let him say whatever he wants; he can't hurt me. It was important for him to face public shame, so others aren't deceived by him as we have been. But there's no need to go any further, and I must insist that he be allowed to leave whenever he wants. I'm sorry that the public's interest paints such a grim picture for his future happiness."
"Mr. Falkland," answered Mr. Forester, "these sentiments do honour to your humanity; but I must not give way to them. They only serve to set in a stronger light the venom of this serpent, this monster of ingratitude, who first robs his benefactor, and then reviles him. Wretch that you are, will nothing move you? Are you inaccessible to remorse? Are you not struck to the heart with the unmerited goodness of your master? Vile calumniator! you are the abhorrence of nature, the opprobrium of the human species, and the earth can only be freed from an insupportable burthen by your being exterminated! Recollect, sir, that this monster, at the very moment that you are exercising such unexampled forbearance in his behalf, has the presumption to charge you with prosecuting a crime of which you know him to be innocent, nay, with having conveyed the pretended stolen goods among his property, for the express purpose of ruining him. By this unexampled villainy, he makes it your duty to free the world from such a pest, and your interest to admit no relaxing in your pursuit of him, lest the world should be persuaded by your clemency to credit his vile insinuations."
"Mr. Falkland," Mr. Forester replied, "these feelings show your compassion; but I can't give in to them. They only highlight the poison of this snake, this monster of ingratitude, who first steals from his benefactor and then insults him. Wretch that you are, will nothing affect you? Are you immune to guilt? Don't you feel the weight of your master's undeserved kindness? Despicable liar! You are a disgrace to nature and humanity, and the earth can only be relieved of this unbearable burden by your removal! Remember, sir, that this monster, at the very moment you are showing such unprecedented patience on his behalf, has the audacity to accuse you of pursuing a crime he knows he is innocent of, even claiming you planted the so-called stolen goods among his belongings to ruin him. Through this unparalleled villainy, he makes it your duty to rid the world of such a pest, and it's in your best interest not to relax your pursuit of him, lest the world be convinced by your mercy to believe his vile accusations."
"I care not for the consequences," replied Mr. Falkland; "I will obey the dictates of my own mind. I will never lend my assistance to the reforming mankind by axes and gibbets. I am sure things will never be as they ought, till honour, and not law, be the dictator of mankind, till vice be taught to shrink before the resistless might of inborn dignity, and not before the cold formality of statutes. If my calumniator were worthy of my resentment, I would chastise him with my own sword, and not that of the magistrate; but in the present case I smile at his malice, and resolve to spare him, as the generous lord of the forest spares the insect that would disturb his repose."
"I don't care about the consequences," replied Mr. Falkland. "I will follow my own thoughts. I will never help reform humanity through violence or executions. I’m confident that things will never truly improve until honor, not laws, governs humanity, until people learn to be ashamed of their wrongdoings, not because of rigid rules, but because of their own inherent dignity. If my slanderer deserved my anger, I would confront him myself, not leave it to the authorities; but in this case, I just smile at his malice and choose to overlook him, like a generous lord of the forest spares the bug that disturbs his peace."
"The language you now hold," said Mr. Forester, "is that of romance, and not of reason. Yet I cannot but be struck with the contrast exhibited before me, of the magnanimity of virtue, and the obstinate impenetrable injustice of guilt. While your mind overflows with goodness, nothing can touch the heart of this thrice-refined villain. I shall never forgive myself for having once been entrapped by his detestable arts. This is no time for us to settle the question between chivalry and law. I shall therefore simply insist as a magistrate, having taken the evidence in this felony, upon my right and duty of following the course of justice, and committing the accused to the county jail."
"The language you have now," said Mr. Forester, "is that of romance, not of reason. Still, I can’t help but notice the stark difference in front of me: the nobility of virtue versus the stubborn, impenetrable injustice of guilt. While your heart is full of goodness, nothing can reach the heart of this thoroughly refined villain. I will never forgive myself for once falling for his disgusting tricks. This isn’t the right time for us to debate chivalry versus law. Therefore, as a magistrate, having reviewed the evidence in this crime, I will insist on my right and duty to pursue justice and send the accused to the county jail."
After some further contest Mr. Falkland, finding Mr. Forester obstinate and impracticable, withdrew his opposition. Accordingly a proper officer was summoned from the neighbouring village, a mittimus made out, and one of Mr. Falkland's carriages prepared to conduct me to the place of custody. It will easily be imagined that this sudden reverse was very painfully felt by me. I looked round on the servants who had been the spectators of my examination, but not one of them, either by word or gesture, expressed compassion for my calamity. The robbery of which I was accused appeared to them atrocious from its magnitude; and whatever sparks of compassion might otherwise have sprung up in their ingenuous and undisciplined minds, were totally obliterated by indignation at my supposed profligacy in recriminating upon their worthy and excellent master. My fate being already determined, and one of the servants despatched for the officer, Mr. Forester and Mr. Falkland withdrew, and left me in the custody of two others.
After some more arguing, Mr. Falkland, realizing that Mr. Forester was stubborn and unreasonable, gave up his opposition. So, they called a proper officer from the nearby village, filled out a mittimus, and prepared one of Mr. Falkland's carriages to take me to the detention center. It’s easy to imagine how painfully I felt about this sudden turn of events. I looked around at the servants who had witnessed my questioning, but not one of them showed any sympathy for my misfortune, either in words or actions. The robbery I was accused of seemed appalling to them because of its scale, and any feelings of compassion that might have arisen in their naive and untrained minds were completely wiped out by their anger at my alleged disloyalty toward their esteemed and admirable master. With my fate already sealed, and one of the servants sent for the officer, Mr. Forester and Mr. Falkland left, putting me in the care of two other servants.
One of these was the son of a farmer at no great distance, who had been in habits of long-established intimacy with my late father. I was willing accurately to discover the state of mind of those who had been witnesses of this scene, and who had had some previous opportunity of observing my character and manners. I, therefore, endeavoured to open a conversation with him. "Well, my good Thomas," said I, in a querulous tone, and with a hesitating manner, "am I not a most miserable creature?"
One of these was the son of a nearby farmer, who had a long-standing friendship with my late father. I wanted to clearly understand the feelings of those who had witnessed this scene and who had previously observed my character and behavior. So, I tried to strike up a conversation with him. "Well, my good Thomas," I said in a whiny tone and with an uncertain manner, "am I not a truly miserable person?"
"Do not speak to me, Master Williams! You have given me a shock that I shall not get the better of for one while. You were hatched by a hen, as the saying is, but you came of the spawn of a cockatrice. I am glad to my heart that honest farmer Williams is dead; your villainy would else have made him curse the day that ever he was born."
"Don’t talk to me, Master Williams! You’ve given me a shock that I won’t recover from for a while. You were born from a hen, as the saying goes, but you came from the offspring of a cockatrice. I’m actually glad that honest farmer Williams is dead; your wickedness would have made him curse the day he was born."
"Thomas, I am innocent! I swear by the great God that shall judge me another day, I am innocent!"
"Thomas, I'm innocent! I swear to the great God who will judge me another day, I'm innocent!"
"Pray, do not swear! for goodness' sake, do not swear! your poor soul is damned enough without that. For your sake, lad, I will never take any body's word, nor trust to appearances, tho' it should be an angel. Lord bless us! how smoothly you palavered it over, for all the world, as if you had been as fair as a new-born babe! But it will not do; you will never be able to persuade people that black is white. For my own part, I have done with you. I loved you yesterday, all one as if you had been my own brother. To-day I love you so well, that I would go ten miles with all the pleasure in life to see you hanged."
"Please, don’t swear! For goodness' sake, don’t swear! Your poor soul is already doomed without that. For your sake, man, I will never take anyone's word or trust appearances, even if it were an angel. Goodness gracious! How smoothly you talked it over, as if you were as innocent as a newborn baby! But it won’t work; you’ll never be able to convince people that black is white. As for me, I’m done with you. I loved you yesterday, just as if you were my own brother. Today, I love you so much that I would happily walk ten miles just to see you hanged."
"Good God, Thomas! have you the heart? What a change! I call God to witness, I have done nothing to deserve it! What a world do we live in!"
"Good God, Thomas! Do you have a heart? What a change! I swear to God, I haven’t done anything to deserve this! What a world we live in!"
"Hold your tongue, boy! It makes my very heart sick to hear you! I would not lie a night under the same roof with you for all the world! I should expect the house to fall and crush such wickedness! I admire that the earth does not open and swallow you alive! It is poison so much as to look at you! If you go on at this hardened rate, I believe from my soul that the people you talk to will tear you to pieces, and you will never live to come to the gallows. Oh, yes, you do well to pity yourself; poor tender thing! that spit venom all round you like a toad, and leave the very ground upon which you crawl infected with your slime."
"Shut your mouth, boy! Listening to you makes me feel physically ill! I wouldn’t spend a single night under the same roof as you for anything in the world! I’d expect the house to collapse and crush such evil! I can’t believe the ground doesn’t open up and swallow you whole! Just looking at you is like poison! If you keep this up, I truly believe that the people you converse with will tear you apart, and you won’t live long enough to see the gallows. Oh, yes, feel sorry for yourself all you want; poor delicate thing! You spread venom all around you like a toad and leave the very ground you crawl on contaminated with your filth."
Finding the person with whom I talked thus impenetrable to all I could say, and considering that the advantage to be gained was small, even if I could overcome his prepossession, I took his advice, and was silent. It was not much longer before every thing was prepared for my departure, and I was conducted to the same prison which had so lately enclosed the wretched and innocent Hawkinses. They too had been the victims of Mr. Falkland. He exhibited, upon a contracted scale indeed, but in which the truth of delineation was faithfully sustained, a copy of what monarchs are, who reckon among the instruments of their power prisons of state.
Finding the person I talked to, who seemed completely closed off to everything I had to say, and realizing the benefit would be minimal even if I could change his mind, I took his advice and stayed quiet. It wasn't long before everything was ready for my departure, and I was taken to the same prison that had recently held the unfortunate and innocent Hawkinses. They too had fallen victim to Mr. Falkland. He showed, on a smaller scale but with an accurate representation, a copy of what rulers are like, who consider state prisons as tools of their power.
CHAPTER XI.
For my own part, I had never seen a prison, and, like the majority of my brethren, had given myself little concern to enquire what was the condition of those who committed offence against, or became obnoxious to suspicion from, the community. Oh, how enviable is the most tottering shed under which the labourer retires to rest, compared with the residence of these walls!
For my part, I had never seen a prison and, like most of my peers, hadn't really bothered to think about what life was like for those who broke the law or were suspected of wrongdoing by society. Oh, how much better is even the most rickety shelter where a worker finds rest, compared to living within these walls!
To me every thing was new,—the massy doors, the resounding locks, the gloomy passages, the grated windows, and the characteristic looks of the keepers, accustomed to reject every petition, and to steel their hearts against feeling and pity. Curiosity, and a sense of my situation, induced me to fix my eyes on the faces of these men; but in a few minutes I drew them away with unconquerable loathing. It is impossible to describe the sort of squalidness and filth with which these mansions are distinguished. I have seen dirty faces in dirty apartments, which have nevertheless borne the impression of health, and spoke carelessness and levity rather than distress. But the dirt of a prison speaks sadness to the heart, and appears to be already in a state of putridity and infection.
To me, everything was new—the heavy doors, the loud locks, the dark hallways, the barred windows, and the distinctive expressions of the guards, who seemed used to turning down every request and hardening their hearts against any feelings of compassion. Curiosity and awareness of my situation made me focus on the faces of these men, but after a few minutes, I looked away out of a deep sense of disgust. It’s impossible to describe the kind of grime and filth that these places are known for. I’ve seen dirty faces in messy rooms that still had a hint of health, showing more carelessness and lightheartedness than real suffering. But the grime of a prison resonates with sorrow and seems to be in a state of decay and infection.
I was detained for more than an hour in the apartment of the keeper, one turnkey after another coming in, that they might make themselves familiar with my person. As I was already considered as guilty of felony to a considerable amount, I underwent a rigorous search, and they took from me a penknife, a pair of scissars, and that part of my money which was in gold. It was debated whether or not these should be sealed up, to be returned to me, as they said, as soon as I should be acquitted; and had I not displayed an unexpected firmness of manner and vigour of expostulation, such was probably the conduct that would have been pursued. Having undergone these ceremonies, I was thrust into a day-room, in which all the persons then under confinement for felony were assembled, to the number of eleven. Each of them was too much engaged in his own reflections, to take notice of me. Of these, two were imprisoned for horse-stealing, and three for having stolen a sheep, one for shop-lifting, one for coining, two for highway-robbery, and two for burglary.
I was held for over an hour in the warden's apartment, with one guard after another coming in to get a look at me. Since I was already considered guilty of a serious crime, I went through a thorough search, and they confiscated my penknife, a pair of scissors, and the part of my money that was in gold. There was a debate about whether these items should be sealed up to be returned to me, they said, as soon as I was found not guilty; and had I not shown an unexpected firmness and strong objections, that's likely what they would have done. After going through these procedures, I was shoved into a common room where all the people currently held for felony were gathered, a total of eleven. Each of them was too caught up in their own thoughts to notice me. Two were imprisoned for horse theft, three for stealing a sheep, one for shoplifting, one for counterfeiting, two for robbery, and two for burglary.
The horse-stealers were engaged in a game at cards, which was presently interrupted by a difference of opinion, attended with great vociferation,—they calling upon one and another to decide it, to no purpose; one paying no attention to their summons, and another leaving them in the midst of their story, being no longer able to endure his own internal anguish, in the midst of their mummery.
The horse thieves were playing cards when they were suddenly interrupted by a disagreement that led to a lot of shouting—they called on each other to settle it, but it was pointless; one ignored their calls, and another abandoned them in the middle of his story, unable to endure his own inner pain while they continued their nonsense.
It is a custom among thieves to constitute a sort of mock tribunal of their own body, from whose decision every one is informed whether he shall be acquitted, respited, or pardoned, as well as respecting the supposed most skilful way of conducting his defence. One of the housebreakers, who had already passed this ordeal, and was stalking up and down the room with a forced bravery, exclaimed to his companion, that he was as rich as the Duke of Bedford himself. He had five guineas and a half, which was as much as he could possibly spend in the course of the ensuing month; and what happened after that, it was Jack Ketch's business to see to, not his. As he uttered these words, he threw himself abruptly upon a bench that was near him, and seemed to be asleep in a moment. But his sleep was uneasy and disturbed, his breathing was hard, and, at intervals, had rather the nature of a groan. A young fellow from the other side of the room came softly to the place where he lay, with a large knife in his hand: and pressed the back of it with such violence upon his neck, the head hanging over the side of the bench, that it was not till after several efforts that he was able to rise. "Oh, Jack!" cried this manual jester, "I had almost done your business for you!" The other expressed no marks of resentment, but sullenly answered, "Damn you, why did not you take the edge? It would have been the best thing you have done this many a day!"2
It's a common practice among thieves to set up a kind of fake court among themselves, where everyone is told whether they'll be let off, given a delay, or forgiven, along with the best way to defend themselves. One of the burglars, who had already gone through this process and was pacing the room with a forced confidence, shouted to his buddy that he was as rich as the Duke of Bedford. He had five and a half guineas, which was all he could possibly spend in the next month; what happened after that was up to Jack Ketch, not him. As he said this, he suddenly threw himself onto a nearby bench and seemed to fall asleep instantly. But his sleep was restless and troubled; his breathing was heavy and, at times, sounded almost like a groan. A young guy from the other side of the room quietly approached where he lay, holding a large knife, and pressed the back of it hard against his neck, which hung over the side of the bench. It took several attempts before he could finally lift his head. "Oh, Jack!" joked this prankster, "I almost took care of you!" The other guy showed no sign of anger, but sullenly replied, "Damn you, why didn’t you aim for the edge? That would have been the best thing you’ve done in ages!"2
The case of one of the persons committed for highway-robbery was not a little extraordinary. He was a common soldier of a most engaging physiognomy, and two-and-twenty years of age. The prosecutor, who had been robbed one evening, as he returned late from the alehouse, of the sum of three shillings, swore positively to his person. The character of the prisoner was such as has seldom been equalled. He had been ardent in the pursuit of intellectual cultivation, and was accustomed to draw his favourite amusement from the works of Virgil and Horace. The humbleness of his situation, combined with his ardour for literature, only served to give an inexpressible heightening to the interestingness of his character. He was plain and unaffected; he assumed nothing; he was capable, when occasion demanded, of firmness, but, in his ordinary deportment, he seemed unarmed and unresisting, unsuspicious of guile in others, as he was totally free from guile in himself. His integrity was proverbially great. In one instance he had been intrusted by a lady to convey a sum of a thousand pounds to a person at some miles distance: in another, he was employed by a gentleman, during his absence, in the care of his house and furniture, to the value of at least five times that sum. His habits of thinking were strictly his own, full of justice, simplicity, and wisdom. He from time to time earned money of his officers, by his peculiar excellence in furbishing arms; but he declined offers that had been made him to become a Serjeant or a corporal, saying that he did not want money, and that in a new situation he should have less leisure for study. He was equally constant in refusing presents that were offered him by persons who had been struck with his merit; not that he was under the influence of false delicacy and pride, but that he had no inclination to accept that, the want of which he did not feel to be an evil. This man died while I was in prison. I received his last breath.3
The story of one person sentenced for highway robbery was quite unusual. He was a common soldier with a very appealing appearance and was twenty-two years old. The victim, who had been robbed one night while coming home late from the pub, positively identified him as the person who took three shillings. The prisoner had a reputation that was rarely matched. He was passionate about learning and often found enjoyment in the works of Virgil and Horace. The combination of his humble background and his enthusiasm for literature made his character even more intriguing. He was straightforward and genuine; he didn't put on airs. He could show firmness when necessary, but typically, he seemed unarmed and unthreatening, trusting others just as he was completely honest himself. His integrity was well-known. For example, a lady once entrusted him with a thousand pounds to deliver to someone several miles away, and another time, he was tasked by a gentleman to look after his house and belongings, worth at least five times that amount, while he was away. His thoughts were uniquely his own, grounded in justice, simplicity, and wisdom. Occasionally, he earned money from his officers because of his skill in polishing weapons, but he turned down offers to become a sergeant or a corporal, saying he didn't need the money and would have less time for studying in a new role. He was equally adamant about refusing gifts offered by those impressed by his abilities, not because of false pride but because he didn’t feel the need for what he didn’t see as a hardship. This man died while I was in prison. I witnessed his final moments.3
The whole day I was obliged to spend in the company of these men, some of them having really committed the actions laid to their charge, others whom their ill fortune had rendered the victims of suspicion. The whole was a scene of misery, such as nothing short of actual observation can suggest to the mind. Some were noisy and obstreperous, endeavouring by a false bravery to keep at bay the remembrance of their condition; while others, incapable even of this effort, had the torment of their thoughts aggravated by the perpetual noise and confusion that prevailed around them. In the faces of those who assumed the most courage, you might trace the furrows of anxious care and in the midst of their laboured hilarity dreadful ideas would ever and anon intrude, convulsing their features, and working every line into an expression of the keenest agony. To these men the sun brought no return of joy. Day after day rolled on, but their state was immutable. Existence was to them a scene of invariable melancholy; every moment was a moment of anguish; yet did they wish to prolong that moment, fearful that the coming period would bring a severer fate. They thought of the past with insupportable repentance, each man contented to give his right hand to have again the choice of that peace and liberty, which he had unthinkingly bartered away. We talk of instruments of torture; Englishmen take credit to themselves for having banished the use of them from their happy shore! Alas! he that has observed the secrets of a prison, well knows that there is more torture in the lingering existence of a criminal, in the silent intolerable minutes that he spends, than in the tangible misery of whips and racks!
I had to spend the whole day with these men, some of whom had really done the things they were accused of, while others were just unfortunate victims of suspicion. It was a scene of misery that nothing but seeing it firsthand could convey. Some were loud and disruptive, trying to bravely push away thoughts of their situation, while others, unable to muster even that effort, suffered more from the constant noise and chaos around them. In the faces of those pretending to be brave, you could see the lines of worry, and in the middle of their forced laughter, horrible thoughts would suddenly break through, twisting their expressions into looks of deep pain. For these men, the sun didn’t bring any joy. Days passed, but their situation stayed the same. Their lives felt like a constant state of sadness; every moment was painful, yet they wanted to stretch those moments out, afraid that what was coming next would be even worse. They thought about the past with unbearable regret, each one wishing they could trade their right hand to have back the peace and freedom they had thoughtlessly given away. We talk about instruments of torture; the English take pride in having eliminated them from their happy land! But those who know the realities of prison understand that there’s more torment in the endless existence of a criminal, in the silent, unbearable minutes he endures, than in the physical pain of whips and racks!
Such were our days. At sunset our jailors appeared, and ordered each man to come away, and be locked into his dungeon. It was a bitter aggravation of our fate, to be under the arbitrary control of these fellows. They felt no man's sorrow; they were of all men least capable of any sort of feeling. They had a barbarous and sullen pleasure in issuing their detested mandates, and observing the mournful reluctance with which they were obeyed. Whatever they directed, it was in vain to expostulate; fetters, and bread and water, were the sure consequences of resistance. Their tyranny had no other limit than their own caprice. To whom shall the unfortunate felon appeal? To what purpose complain, when his complaints are sure to be received with incredulity? A tale of mutiny and necessary precaution is the unfailing refuge of the keeper, and this tale is an everlasting bar against redress.
Our days were like this. At sunset, our captors would show up and demand that each man step away to be locked in his cell. It was such a bitter twist in our fate to be at the mercy of these guys. They had no sympathy for anyone's suffering; they were the least likely to feel anything. They took a cruel pleasure in issuing their hated orders and watching the sad reluctance with which we followed them. No matter what they commanded, it was pointless to argue; shackles and a diet of bread and water were the inevitable punishment for defiance. Their tyranny knew no bounds other than their own whims. Who could the unfortunate prisoner turn to for help? What good is complaining when your complaints will only be met with disbelief? A story of rebellion and the need for caution is the go-to excuse for the guard, and this excuse is an unending barrier to relief.
Our dungeons were cells, 7-1/2 feet by 6-1/2, below the surface of the ground, damp, without window, light, or air, except from a few holes worked for that purpose in the door. In some of these miserable receptacles three persons were put to sleep together.4 I was fortunate enough to have one to myself. It was now the approach of winter. We were not allowed to have candles, and, as I have already said, were thrust in here at sunset, and not liberated till the returning day. This was our situation for fourteen or fifteen hours out of the four-and-twenty. I had never been accustomed to sleep more than six or seven hours, and my inclination to sleep was now less than ever. Thus was I reduced to spend half my day in this dreary abode, and in complete darkness. This was no trifling aggravation of my lot.
Our dungeons were cells, 7-1/2 feet by 6-1/2, below ground, damp, with no windows, light, or air, except for a few holes made for that purpose in the door. In some of these miserable places, three people were crammed together to sleep. I was lucky enough to have one to myself. Winter was approaching. We weren’t allowed to have candles, and as I mentioned before, we were shoved in here at sunset and not let out until the next day. This was our situation for fourteen or fifteen hours out of the twenty-four. I had never been used to sleeping more than six or seven hours, and my desire to sleep was now lower than ever. So, I was stuck spending half my day in this bleak place and in complete darkness. This was no small aggravation to my circumstances.
Among my melancholy reflections I tasked my memory, and counted over the doors, the locks, the bolts, the chains, the massy walls, and grated windows, that were between me and liberty. "These," said I, "are the engines that tyranny sits down in cold and serious meditation to invent. This is the empire that man exercises over man. Thus is a being, formed to expatiate, to act, to smile, and enjoy, restricted and benumbed. How great must be his depravity or heedlessness, who vindicates this scheme for changing health and gaiety and serenity, into the wanness of a dungeon, and the deep furrows of agony and despair!"
As I reflected sadly, I focused on my memories and counted the doors, locks, bolts, chains, thick walls, and barred windows that separated me from freedom. "These," I said, "are the tools that tyranny devises in cold, serious contemplation. This is the power one person has over another. Here is a being designed to think freely, to act, to smile, and to enjoy, now restricted and numb. How depraved or thoughtless must someone be to justify this plan that turns health, joy, and peace into the pallor of a prison and the deep lines of suffering and despair!"
"Thank God," exclaims the Englishman, "we have no Bastile! Thank God, with us no man can be punished without a crime!" Unthinking wretch! Is that a country of liberty, where thousands languish in dungeons and fetters? Go, go, ignorant fool! and visit the scenes of our prisons! witness their unwholesomeness, their filth, the tyranny of their governors, the misery of their inmates! After that, show me the man shameless enough to triumph, and say, England has no Bastile! Is there any charge so frivolous, upon which men are not consigned to those detested abodes? Is there any villainy that is not practised by justices and prosecutors? But against all this perhaps you have been told there is redress. Yes; a redress, that it is the consummation of insult so much as to name! Where shall the poor wretch reduced to the last despair, to whom acquittal perhaps comes just time enough to save him from perishing,—where shall this man find leisure, and much less money, to fee counsel and officers, and purchase the tedious dear-bought remedy of the law? No; he is too happy to leave his dungeon, and the memory of his dungeon, behind him; and the same tyranny and wanton oppression become the inheritance of his successor.
"Thank God," the Englishman exclaims, "we don't have a Bastille! Thank God, no one here can be punished without a crime!" What a clueless fool! Is that really a country of freedom, where thousands suffer in dungeons and chains? Go, go, ignorant idiot! Visit our prisons! See their unhealthiness, their filth, the cruelty of their guards, the misery of their inmates! After that, show me the person who has the nerve to celebrate and say, England has no Bastille! Is there any charge so trivial that people aren't sent to those hated places? Is there any wrongdoing that isn't committed by justices and prosecutors? But maybe you've been told there's a way to fix this. Yes; a fix that's so insulting just to mention! Where does the poor person, driven to absolute despair, who might only get acquitted in time to avoid dying—where will this person find the time, let alone the money, to hire lawyers and pay the expensive, complicated solution of the law? No; they're just glad to escape their dungeon, leaving behind the memories of it; and the same tyranny and senseless oppression will just pass on to their successors.
For myself, I looked round upon my walls, and forward upon the premature death I had too much reason to expect: I consulted my own heart, that whispered nothing but innocence; and I said, "This is society. This is the object, the distribution of justice, which is the end of human reason. For this sages have toiled, and midnight oil has been wasted. This!"
For me, I looked around my walls and ahead to the early death I had too much reason to expect. I checked in with my own heart, which spoke nothing but innocence, and I said, "This is society. This is the goal, the way justice is served, which is the purpose of human reason. This is what wise people have worked hard for, and late nights have been spent on. This!"
The reader will forgive this digression from the immediate subject of my story. If it should be said these are general remarks, let it be remembered that they are the dear-bought, result of experience. It is from the fulness of a bursting heart that reproach thus flows to my pen. These are not the declamations of a man desirous to be eloquent. I have felt the iron of slavery grating upon my soul.
The reader will overlook this digression from the main focus of my story. If it’s considered these are just general comments, let it be noted that they come from hard-earned experience. It’s from the depth of my heavy heart that this reproach spills onto my page. These aren’t the grand speeches of someone trying to sound impressive. I have felt the pain of oppression weighing heavily on my soul.
I believed that misery, more pure than that which I now endured, had never fallen to the lot of a human being. I recollected with astonishment my puerile eagerness to be brought to the test, and have my innocence examined. I execrated it, as the vilest and most insufferable pedantry. I exclaimed, in the bitterness of my heart, "Of what value is a fair fame? It is the jewel of men formed to be amused with baubles. Without it, I might have had serenity of heart and cheerfulness of occupation, peace, and liberty; why should I consign my happiness to other men's arbitration? But, if a fair fame were of the most inexpressible value, is this the method which common sense would prescribe to retrieve it? The language which these institutions hold out to the unfortunate is, 'Come, and be shut out from the light of day; be the associate of those whom society has marked out for her abhorrence, be the slave of jailers, be loaded with fetters; thus shall you be cleared from every unworthy aspersion, and restored to reputation and honour!' This is the consolation she affords to those whom malignity or folly, private pique or unfounded positiveness, have, without the smallest foundation, loaded with calumny." For myself, I felt my own innocence; and I soon found, upon enquiry, that three fourths of those who are regularly subjected to a similar treatment, are persons whom, even with all the superciliousness and precipitation of our courts of justice, no evidence can be found sufficient to convict. How slender then must be that man's portion of information and discernment, who is willing to commit his character and welfare to such guardianship!
I believed that no one had ever experienced misery as pure as what I was going through. I remembered with disbelief my childish eagerness to be tested and have my innocence examined. I hated it, calling it the worst kind of insufferable arrogance. I exclaimed, in deep frustration, "What good is a good reputation? It's just a trinket for people who are easily amused. Without it, I could have found peace of mind, enjoyable work, freedom, and happiness; why should I let others decide my fate? But if a good reputation really was invaluable, is this how common sense would suggest I get it back? The message from these systems to the unfortunate is, 'Come, and be shut away from the light of day; be among those whom society loves to hate, be a prisoner, be shackled; this is how you'll be cleared from any unfair accusations and restored to your good name!' This is the comfort she offers to those whom malice, foolishness, personal grudges, or baseless assertions have wrongly slandered." As for me, I knew I was innocent; and I soon discovered that three-fourths of those who go through the same treatment are people whom, even with all the arrogance and haste of our justice system, there's not enough evidence to convict. How limited must be the understanding of someone who is willing to trust their character and future to such authorities!
But my case was even worse than this. I intimately felt that a trial, such as our institutions have hitherto been able to make it, is only the worthy sequel of such a beginning. What chance was there after the purgation I was now suffering, that I should come out acquitted at last? What probability was there that the trial I had endured in the house of Mr. Falkland was not just as fair as any that might be expected to follow? No; I anticipated my own condemnation.
But my situation was even worse than that. I deeply felt that a trial, like the ones our institutions have been able to conduct so far, is just a fitting follow-up to such a start. What chance did I have after the suffering I was going through that I would end up acquitted in the end? What were the odds that the trial I went through at Mr. Falkland's place was not just as fair as any trial I might face next? No; I was expecting my own conviction.
Thus was I cut off, for ever, from all that existence has to bestow—from all the high hopes I had so often conceived—from all the future excellence my soul so much delighted to imagine,—to spend a few weeks in a miserable prison, and then to perish by the hand of the public executioner. No language can do justice to the indignant and soul-sickening loathing that these ideas excited. My resentment was not restricted to my prosecutor, but extended itself to the whole machine of society. I could never believe that all this was the fair result of institutions inseparable from the general good. I regarded the whole human species as so many hangmen and torturers; I considered them as confederated to tear me to pieces; and this wide scene of inexorable persecution inflicted upon me inexpressible agony. I looked on this side and on that: I was innocent; I had a right to expect assistance; but every heart was steeled against me; every hand was ready to lend its force to make my ruin secure. No man that has not felt, in his own most momentous concerns, justice, eternal truth, unalterable equity engaged in his behalf, and on the other side brute force, impenetrable obstinacy, and unfeeling insolence, can imagine the sensations that then passed through my mind. I saw treachery triumphant and enthroned; I saw the sinews of innocence crumbled into dust by the gripe of almighty guilt.
I was cut off forever from everything that life has to offer—from all the big dreams I had often imagined—from all the future greatness my soul loved to envision—only to spend a few weeks in a miserable prison, and then to die at the hands of the public executioner. No words can express the anger and deep disgust that these thoughts stirred in me. My resentment wasn’t just aimed at my prosecutor; it spread to the entire system of society. I could never accept that all of this was a fair outcome of institutions meant for the greater good. I saw the entire human race as a bunch of hangmen and torturers; I believed they were colluding to tear me apart, and this relentless persecution caused me unimaginable pain. I looked around: I was innocent; I had every right to expect help, but every heart was hardened against me; every hand was ready to act in a way that ensured my destruction. No one who hasn’t experienced, in their most important matters, the support of justice, eternal truth, and unwavering fairness on their side, facing brute force, stubbornness, and cold indifference, can grasp the feelings that ran through my mind at that moment. I witnessed treachery thriving and sitting pretty; I saw the strength of innocence being crushed to dust by the grip of overwhelming guilt.
What relief had I from these sensations? Was it relief, that I spent the day in the midst of profligacy and execrations—that I saw reflected from every countenance agonies only inferior to my own? He that would form a lively idea of the regions of the damned, need only to witness, for six hours, a scene to which I was confined for many months. Not for one hour could I withdraw myself from this complexity of horrors, or take refuge in the calmness of meditation. Air, exercise, series, contrast, those grand enliveners of the human frame, I was for ever debarred from, by the inexorable tyranny under which I was fallen. Nor did I find the solitude of my nightly dungeon less insupportable. Its only furniture was the straw that served me for my repose. It was narrow, damp, and unwholesome. The slumbers of a mind, wearied, like mine, with the most detestable uniformity, to whom neither amusement nor occupation ever offered themselves to beguile the painful hours, were short, disturbed, and unrefreshing. My sleeping, still more than my waking thoughts, were full of perplexity, deformity, and disorder. To these slumbers succeeded the hours which, by the regulations of our prison, I was obliged, though awake, to spend in solitary and cheerless darkness. Here I had neither books nor pens, nor any thing upon which to engage my attention; all was a sightless blank. How was a mind, active and indefatigable like mine, to endure this misery? I could not sink it in lethargy; I could nor forget my woes: they haunted me with unintermitted and demoniac malice. Cruel, inexorable policy of human affairs, that condemns a man to torture like this; that sanctions it, and knows not what is done under its sanction; that is too supine and unfeeling to enquire into these petty details; that calls this the ordeal of innocence, and the protector of freedom! A thousand times I could have dashed my brains against the walls of my dungeon; a thousand times I longed for death, and wished, with inexpressible ardour, for an end to what I suffered; a thousand times I meditated suicide, and ruminated, in the bitterness of my soul, upon the different means of escaping from the load of existence. What had I to do with life? I had seen enough to make me regard it with detestation. Why should I wait the lingering process of legal despotism, and not dare so much as to die, but when and how its instruments decreed? Still some inexplicable suggestion withheld my hand. I clung with desperate fondness to this shadow of existence, its mysterious attractions, and its hopeless prospects.
What relief did I find from these feelings? Was it relief that I spent the day surrounded by debauchery and curses—that I saw agony reflected in every face, only slightly less intense than my own? Anyone wanting to grasp the depths of despair only needs to witness, for six hours, a scene I endured for many months. I couldn’t escape this web of horrors for even an hour or find solace in the peace of thought. Fresh air, exercise, variety, contrast—those great energizers of the human spirit—were forever denied to me by the relentless tyranny I was under. And the solitude of my nightly cell was no more bearable. Its only furniture was the straw I used to sleep on. It was narrow, damp, and unhealthy. The rest of a mind like mine, worn out by the most loathsome monotony, where neither distraction nor engagement ever came to alleviate the painful hours, was brief, troubled, and unrefreshing. My dreams, even more than my waking thoughts, were filled with confusion, ugliness, and chaos. After these dreams came the hours I had to spend awake, alone in cheerless darkness, as required by our prison’s rules. Here, I had no books, no pens, nothing to capture my attention; it was all an empty void. How could a mind, active and tireless like mine, endure this suffering? I could not drown in lethargy; I could not forget my pain: it haunted me with relentless and demonic malice. The cruel, unforgiving nature of human affairs condemns a person to such torture; it allows it, without knowing the horrors that happen under its name; it’s too indifferent and unfeeling to look into these small details; it calls this the trial of innocence and the guardian of freedom! A thousand times I could have smashed my head against the walls of my cell; a thousand times I longed for death and yearned, with immense passion, for an end to my suffering; a thousand times I contemplated suicide and pondered, in the bitterness of my soul, various ways to escape from the burden of existence. What did I have to do with life? I had seen enough to make me detest it. Why should I wait for the slow grind of legal tyranny, not daring to die except when and how its agents deemed fit? Yet, some inexplicable desire held me back. I clung desperately to this shadow of existence, its mysterious attractions, and its hopeless prospects.
CHAPTER XII.
Such were the reflections that haunted the first days of my imprisonment, in consequence of which they were spent in perpetual anguish. But, after a time, nature, wearied with distress, would no longer stoop to the burthen; thought, which is incessantly varying, introduced a series of reflections totally different.
Such were the thoughts that plagued the first days of my imprisonment, which I spent in constant agony. But after a while, my mind, tired of suffering, could no longer bear the weight; my thoughts, which constantly shifted, brought in a whole new set of reflections.
My fortitude revived. I had always been accustomed to cheerfulness, good humour, and serenity; and this habit now returned to visit me at the bottom of my dungeon. No sooner did my contemplations take this turn, than I saw the reasonableness and possibility of tranquillity and peace; and my mind whispered to me the propriety of showing, in this forlorn condition, that I was superior to all my persecutors. Blessed state of innocence and self-approbation! The sunshine of conscious integrity pierced through all the barriers of my cell, and spoke ten thousand times more joy to my heart, than the accumulated splendours of nature and art can communicate to the slaves of vice.
My strength returned. I had always been used to being cheerful, lighthearted, and calm; and this habit came back to me in the depths of my dungeon. As soon as my thoughts shifted in this way, I recognized the reasonableness and possibility of finding peace and tranquility; and my mind suggested that I should demonstrate, even in this hopeless situation, that I was above all my tormentors. What a blessed state of innocence and self-approval! The light of my integrity broke through all the walls of my cell, bringing me joy a thousand times greater than whatever beauty nature and art can offer to those trapped in vice.
I found out the secret of employing my mind. I said, "I am shut up for half the day in total darkness, without any external source of amusement; the other half I spend in the midst of noise, turbulence, and, confusion. What then? Can I not draw amusement from the stores of my own mind? Is it not freighted with various knowledge? Have I not been employed from my infancy in gratifying an insatiable curiosity? When should I derive benefit from these superior advantages, if not at present?" Accordingly I tasked the stores of my memory, and my powers of invention. I amused myself with recollecting the history of my life. By degrees I called to mind a number of minute circumstances, which, but for this exercise, would have been for ever forgotten. I repassed in my thoughts whole conversations, I recollected their subjects, their arrangement, their incidents, frequently their very words. I mused upon these ideas, till I was totally absorbed in thought. I repeated them, till my mind glowed with enthusiasm. I had my different employments, fitted for the solitude of the night, in which I could give full scope to the impulses of my mind; and for the uproar of the day, in which my chief object was, to be insensible to the disorder with which I was surrounded.
I discovered the secret to using my mind. I thought, "I'm stuck in complete darkness for half the day, with no outside entertainment; the other half is filled with noise, chaos, and confusion. So what? Can't I find enjoyment in the knowledge stored in my own mind? Isn't it full of various insights? Haven't I spent my life satisfying an endless curiosity? When else would I take advantage of these gifts if not now?" So I tapped into my memory and my ability to create. I entertained myself by reflecting on the story of my life. Gradually, I remembered many small details that would have been forgotten without this effort. I revisited entire conversations, recalling their topics, structure, incidents, and often the exact words. I pondered these thoughts until I was completely absorbed. I repeated them until my mind was filled with inspiration. I had my own activities suited for the solitude of the night, where I could fully explore my thoughts; and for the chaos of the day, where my main goal was to remain unaffected by the disorder around me.
By degrees I quitted my own story, and employed myself in imaginary adventures. I figured to myself every situation in which I could be placed, and conceived the conduct to be observed in each. Thus scenes of insult and danger, of tenderness and oppression, became familiar to me. In fancy I often passed the awful hour of dissolving nature. In some of my reveries I boiled with impetuous indignation, and in others patiently collected the whole force of my mind for some fearful encounter. I cultivated the powers of oratory suited to these different states, and improved more in eloquence in the solitude of my dungeon, than perhaps I should have done in the busiest and most crowded scenes.
Gradually, I moved away from my own life story and immersed myself in imaginary adventures. I envisioned every situation I could find myself in and thought of how I would act in each one. As a result, scenarios of insult and danger, tenderness and oppression, became familiar to me. In my imagination, I often faced the terrifying moment of dying. In some of my daydreams, I was filled with intense anger, while in others, I calmly gathered all my mental strength for some frightening confrontation. I developed my speaking skills to match these different moods and improved my eloquence more in the solitude of my prison than I probably would have in the busiest and most crowded places.
At length I proceeded to as regular a disposition of my time, as the man in his study, who passes from mathematics to poetry, and from poetry to the law of nations, in the different parts of each single day; and I as seldom infringed upon my plan. Nor were my subjects of disquisition less numerous than his. I went over, by the assistance of memory only, a considerable part of Euclid during my confinement, and revived, day after day, the series of facts and incidents in some of the most celebrated historians. I became myself a poet; and, while I described the sentiments cherished by the view of natural objects, recorded the characters and passions of men, and partook with a burning zeal in the generosity of their determinations, I eluded the squalid solitude of my dungeon, and wandered in idea through all the varieties of human society. I easily found expedients, such as the mind seems always to require, and which books and pens supply to the man at large, to record from time to time the progress that had been made.
Eventually, I settled into a pretty regular routine with my time, similar to a person in their study who shifts from math to poetry and then to international law throughout different parts of the day. I rarely deviated from my plan. My topics of discussion were just as varied as his. During my confinement, I went over a significant portion of Euclid just by relying on my memory and revisited the series of facts and events from some of the most famous historians day after day. I became a poet myself; while expressing the feelings inspired by observing nature, capturing the traits and emotions of people, and passionately engaging with their noble aims, I escaped the grim isolation of my cell and imagined wandering through all the different aspects of human society. I easily found ways to keep track of my progress, much like how the mind naturally seeks solutions that books and pens provide to those in the outside world.
While I was thus employed, I reflected with exultation upon the degree in which man is independent of the smiles and frowns of fortune. I was beyond her reach, for I could fall no lower. To an ordinary eye I might seem destitute and miserable, but in reality I wanted for nothing. My fare was coarse; but I was in health. My dungeon was noisome; but I felt no inconvenience. I was shut up from the usual means of exercise and air; but I found the method of exercising myself even to perspiration in my dungeon. I had no power of withdrawing my person from a disgustful society, in the most cheerful and valuable part of the day; but I soon brought to perfection the art of withdrawing my thoughts, and saw and heard the people about me, for just as short a time, and as seldom, as I pleased.
While I was working on this, I felt a great sense of joy thinking about how human beings can be independent of the ups and downs of life. I was beyond their control because I couldn't fall any lower. To an ordinary person, I might appear poor and unhappy, but in reality, I lacked nothing. My meals were basic, but I was healthy. My prison was unpleasant, but I felt no discomfort. I was cut off from the usual ways to get exercise and fresh air, but I found a way to work out until I was sweating even in my dungeon. I had no choice but to spend time around undesirable people during the most pleasant and valuable part of the day; however, I quickly mastered the skill of withdrawing my thoughts and could look at and listen to those around me for only as long as I wanted.
Such is man in himself considered; so simple his nature; so few his wants. How different from the man of artificial society! Palaces are built for his reception, a thousand vehicles provided for his exercise, provinces are ransacked for the gratification of his appetite, and the whole world traversed to supply him with apparel and furniture. Thus vast is his expenditure, and the purchase slavery. He is dependent on a thousand accidents for tranquillity and health, and his body and soul are at the devotion of whoever will satisfy his imperious cravings.
This is what a person is when seen on their own; their nature is so simple, and their needs are so few. It's so different from a person in artificial society! Palaces are built for them, a thousand modes of transportation are available for their use, entire regions are exploited to satisfy their cravings, and the whole world is searched to provide them with clothes and furniture. Their expenses are enormous, and they end up being enslaved by their purchases. They rely on countless random events for peace and health, and their body and soul are at the mercy of anyone willing to fulfill their urgent desires.
In addition to the disadvantages of my present situation, I was reserved for an ignominious death. What then? Every man must die. No man knows how soon. It surely is not worse to encounter the king of terrors, in health, and with every advantage for the collection of fortitude, than to encounter him, already half subdued by sickness and suffering. I was resolved at least fully to possess the days I had to live; and this is peculiarly in the power of the man who preserves his health to the last moment of his existence. Why should I suffer my mind to be invaded by unavailing regrets? Every sentiment of vanity, or rather of independence and justice within me, instigated me to say to my persecutor, "You may cut off my existence, but you cannot disturb my serenity."
Besides the downsides of my current situation, I was destined for a shameful death. So what? Every man has to die. No one knows when it will happen. It can’t be worse to face the king of terrors while healthy and fully equipped to gather strength than to face him already weakened by illness and suffering. I was determined to make the most of the days I had left; and that's something uniquely within the control of someone who keeps their health right up to the end. Why should I let unnecessary regrets take over my mind? Every feeling of pride, or rather a sense of independence and fairness within me, pushed me to tell my oppressor, "You can take my life, but you can’t shake my peace."
CHAPTER XIII.
In the midst of these reflections, another thought, which had not before struck me, occurred to my mind. "I exult," said I, "and reasonably, over the impotence of my persecutor. Is not that impotence greater than I have yet imagined? I say, he may cut off my existence, but cannot disturb my serenity. It is true: my mind, the clearness of my spirit, the firmness of my temper, are beyond his reach; is not my life equally so, if I please? What are the material obstacles, that man never subdued? What is the undertaking so arduous, that by some has not been accomplished? And if by others, why not by me? Had they stronger motives than I? Was existence more variously endeared to them? or had they more numerous methods by which to animate and adorn it? Many of those who have exerted most perseverance and intrepidity, were obviously my inferiors in that respect. Why should not I be as daring as they? Adamant and steel have a ductility like water, to a mind sufficiently bold and contemplative. The mind is master of itself; and is endowed with powers that might enable it to laugh at the tyrant's vigilance." I passed and repassed these ideas in my mind; and, heated with the contemplation, I said, "No, I will not die!"
In the middle of these thoughts, another idea that hadn't crossed my mind before suddenly appeared. "I feel victorious," I said, "and rightly so, over the powerlessness of my tormentor. Isn't that powerlessness greater than I’ve realized? Sure, he can end my life, but he can't shake my peace of mind. It's true: my thoughts, the clarity of my spirit, the steadiness of my character, are beyond his control; isn't my life just as much so, if I choose? What are the physical barriers that man has never overcome? What challenge is so tough that someone hasn't achieved it? And if others can succeed, why can't I? Did they have stronger reasons than I do? Was life more cherished by them? Did they have more ways to enrich and embellish it? Many who have shown the most determination and bravery were clearly less capable than I. Why shouldn't I be as fearless as they were? Strong materials like adamant and steel can be molded like water in the hands of a mind that is bold and reflective. The mind controls itself; it possesses abilities that can help it scoff at the watchfulness of a tyrant." I kept turning these thoughts over in my mind, and, fueled by my contemplation, I declared, "No, I will not die!"
My reading, in early youth, had been extremely miscellaneous. I had read of housebreakers, to whom locks and bolts were a jest, and who, vain of their art, exhibited the experiment of entering a house the most strongly barricaded, with as little noise, and almost as little trouble, as other men would lift up a latch. There is nothing so interesting to the juvenile mind, as the wonderful; there is no power that it so eagerly covets, as that of astonishing spectators by its miraculous exertions. Mind appeared, to my untutored reflections, vague, airy, and unfettered, the susceptible perceiver of reasons, but never intended by nature to be the slave of force. Why should it be in the power of man to overtake and hold me by violence? Why, when I choose to withdraw myself, should I not be capable of eluding the most vigilant search? These limbs, and this trunk, are a cumbrous and unfortunate load for the power of thinking to drag along with it; but why should not the power of thinking be able to lighten the load, till it shall be no longer felt?—These early modes of reflection were by no means indifferent to my present enquiries.
My reading in my early years was really varied. I had read about burglars who treated locks and bolts like a joke, and who, proud of their skills, showed off how they could break into a heavily secured house with hardly any noise and almost no effort, like how other people would simply lift a latch. There’s nothing so fascinating to a young mind as the extraordinary; there’s no power it desires more than the ability to amaze others with its incredible feats. To my inexperienced thoughts, the mind seemed vague, light, and free — a sensitive receiver of ideas, but never meant by nature to be controlled by force. Why should a person have the ability to catch and restrain me through violence? Why, when I want to escape, can’t I elude even the most watchful search? These arms and this body feel like a heavy and awkward burden for my thinking to carry, but why shouldn’t my thinking be able to lighten the load until it’s hardly felt? — These early reflections definitely influenced my current inquiries.
Our next-door neighbour at my father's house had been a carpenter. Fresh from the sort of reading I have mentioned, I was eager to examine his tools, their powers and their uses. This carpenter was a man of strong and vigorous mind; and, his faculties having been chiefly confined to the range of his profession, he was fertile in experiments, and ingenious in reasoning upon these particular topics. I therefore obtained from him considerable satisfaction; and, my mind being set in action, I sometimes even improved upon the hints he furnished. His conversation was particularly agreeable to me; I at first worked with him sometimes for my amusement, and afterwards occasionally for a short time as his journeyman. I was constitutionally vigorous; and, by the experience thus attained, I added to the abstract possession of power, the skill of applying it, when I pleased, in such a manner as that no part should be inefficient.
Our next-door neighbor at my dad's house was a carpenter. After the kind of reading I mentioned, I was eager to check out his tools, how they worked, and what they could do. This carpenter was a strong, sharp-minded guy; since he mostly focused on his trade, he was full of experiments and had a knack for reasoning about these specific topics. I got a lot of satisfaction from him, and with my mind buzzing, I would sometimes build on the ideas he shared. I found his conversation really enjoyable; at first, I worked with him now and then just for fun, and later, occasionally for a short time as his apprentice. I was naturally strong, and with the experience I gained, I not only owned the skills but also learned how to use them effectively so that nothing went to waste.
It is a strange, but no uncommon feature in the human mind, that the very resource of which we stand in greatest need in a critical situation, though already accumulated, it may be, by preceding industry, fails to present itself at the time when it should be called into action. Thus my mind had passed through two very different stages since my imprisonment, before this means of liberation suggested itself. My faculties were overwhelmed in the first instance, and raised to a pitch of enthusiasm in the second; while in both I took it for granted in a manner, that I must passively submit to the good pleasure of my persecutors.
It's a strange but common trait of the human mind that the very resource we need most in a critical moment, even if we've built it up through prior effort, often doesn’t come to mind when we need it. My thoughts went through two very different stages since my imprisonment before the idea of liberation occurred to me. At first, I was overwhelmed, and later, I became very enthusiastic; yet in both situations, I just assumed I had to passively accept whatever my persecutors decided.
During the period in which my mind had been thus undecided, and when I had been little more than a month in durance, the assizes, which were held twice a year in the town in which I was a prisoner, came on. Upon this occasion my case was not brought forward, but was suffered to stand over six months longer. It would have been just the same, if I had had as strong reason to expect acquittal as I had conviction. If I had been apprehended upon the most frivolous reasons upon which any justice of the peace ever thought proper to commit a naked beggar for trial, I must still have waited about two hundred and seventeen days before my innocence could be cleared. So imperfect are the effects of the boasted laws of a country, whose legislators hold their assembly from four to six months in every year! I could never discover with certainty, whether this delay were owing to any interference on the part of my prosecutor, or whether it fell out in the regular administration of justice, which is too solemn and dignified to accommodate itself to the rights or benefit of an insignificant individual.
During the time my mind was so uncertain, and while I had been locked up for just over a month, the court sessions, which happened twice a year in the town where I was being held, occurred. On this occasion, my case wasn't heard and was set over for another six months. It would have been the same if I had had strong reasons to expect an acquittal as if I were convinced of my guilt. Even if I had been arrested for the most trivial reasons any justice of the peace thought fit to put a naked beggar on trial, I still would have had to wait about two hundred and seventeen days before my innocence could be proven. Such are the inadequate effects of the so-called laws of a country, whose lawmakers meet for four to six months every year! I could never tell for sure whether this delay was due to interference from my prosecutor or if it was just the standard way justice was administered, which is too serious and formal to consider the rights or well-being of an unimportant individual.
But this was not the only incident that occurred to me during my confinement, for which I could find no satisfactory solution. It was nearly at the same time, that the keeper began to alter his behaviour to me. He sent for me one morning into the part of the building which was appropriated for his own use, and, after some hesitation, told me he was sorry my accommodations had been so indifferent, and asked whether I should like to have a chamber in his family? I was struck with the unexpectedness of this question, and desired to know whether any body had employed him to ask it. No, he replied; but, now the assizes were over, he had fewer felons on his hands, and more time to look about him. He believed I was a good kind of a young man, and he had taken a sort of a liking to me. I fixed my eye upon his countenance as he said this. I could discover none of the usual symptoms of kindness; he appeared to me to be acting a part, unnatural, and that sat with awkwardness upon him. He went on however to offer me the liberty of eating at his table; which, if I chose it, he said, would make no difference to him, and he should not think of charging me any thing for it. He had always indeed as much upon his hands as one person could see to; but his wife and his daughter Peggy would be woundily pleased to hear a person of learning talk, as he understood I was; and perhaps I might not feel myself unpleasantly circumstanced in their company.
But this wasn't the only strange thing that happened to me during my time in captivity, for which I couldn't find a satisfactory explanation. Around the same time, the keeper started changing his behavior towards me. One morning, he called me into the part of the building reserved for him, and after a moment of hesitation, he told me he was sorry my living conditions had been so bad and asked if I would like to have a room in his family. I was taken aback by this unexpected question and asked if anyone had sent him to ask it. No, he replied; now that the court sessions were over, he had fewer criminals to deal with and more time to pay attention to things. He believed I was a decent young man and had developed a kind of fondness for me. I studied his face as he spoke, but I couldn't see any of the usual signs of kindness; he seemed to be playing a role that felt forced and uncomfortable for him. Nevertheless, he continued to offer me the chance to eat at his table, saying that if I chose to do so, it wouldn’t make any difference to him, and he wouldn’t think of charging me for it. He really had as much work as one person could handle, but his wife and daughter Peggy would be very pleased to hear someone educated speak, as he understood I was; and maybe I wouldn’t feel out of place in their company.
I reflected on this proposal, and had little doubt, notwithstanding what the keeper had affirmed to the contrary, that it did not proceed from any spontaneous humanity in him, but that he had, to speak the language of persons of his cast, good reasons for what he did. I busied myself in conjectures as to who could be the author of this sort of indulgence and attention. The two most likely persons were Mr. Falkland and Mr. Forester. The latter I knew to be a man austere and inexorable towards those whom he deemed vicious. He piqued himself upon being insensible to those softer emotions, which, he believed, answered no other purpose than to seduce us from our duty. Mr. Falkland, on the contrary, was a man of the acutest sensibility; hence arose his pleasures and his pains, his virtues and his vices. Though he were the bitterest enemy to whom I could possibly be exposed, and though no sentiments of humanity could divert or control the bent of his mind, I yet persuaded myself, that he was more likely than his kinsman, to visit in idea the scene of my dungeon, and to feel impelled to alleviate my sufferings.
I thought about this proposal and had little doubt, despite what the keeper had claimed otherwise, that it didn’t come from any genuine kindness in him, but that he had, to put it in the words of people like him, good reasons for what he did. I occupied myself with speculations about who could be behind this kind of leniency and attention. The two most likely candidates were Mr. Falkland and Mr. Forester. I knew the latter to be a strict and unforgiving man towards those he considered immoral. He prided himself on being unaffected by those softer feelings, which he believed served no purpose other than to distract us from our responsibilities. Mr. Falkland, on the other hand, was a man of deep sensitivity; this led to his joys and his sorrows, his strengths and his flaws. Although he was the fiercest enemy I could possibly face, and no feelings of compassion could sway or control his mindset, I still convinced myself that he was more likely than his relative to imagine the scene of my prison and feel compelled to ease my suffering.
This conjecture was by no means calculated to serve as balm to my mind. My thoughts were full of irritation against my persecutor. How could I think kindly of a man, in competition with the gratification of whose ruling passion my good name or my life was deemed of no consideration? I saw him crushing the one, and bringing the other into jeopardy, with a quietness and composure on his part that I could not recollect without horror. I knew not what were his plans respecting me. I knew not whether he troubled himself so much as to form a barren wish for the preservation of one whose future prospects he had so iniquitously tarnished. I had hitherto been silent as to my principal topic of recrimination. But I was by no means certain, that I should consent to go out of the world in silence, the victim of this man's obduracy and art. In every view I felt my heart ulcerated with a sense of his injustice; and my very soul spurned these pitiful indulgences, at a time that he was grinding me into dust with the inexorableness of his vengeance.
This guess certainly didn’t ease my mind. My thoughts were filled with anger towards my tormentor. How could I feel anything positive about a man who valued his own desires over my reputation and my life? I saw him destroying one and putting the other at risk, all while he remained calm and composed—something I could hardly think about without feeling horrified. I had no idea what his plans were for me. I didn’t even know if he bothered to wish for the safety of someone whose future he had so wickedly ruined. Until now, I had kept quiet about what really upset me. But I wasn’t sure I would just accept going out of this world in silence, a victim of this man’s cruelty and manipulation. In every way, I felt my heart aching from his injustice, and my very soul rejected these weak consolations while he was crushing me under the weight of his relentless revenge.
I was influenced by these sentiments in my reply to the jailor; and I found a secret pleasure in pronouncing them in all their bitterness. I viewed him with a sarcastic smile, and said, I was glad to find him of a sudden become so humane: I was not however without some penetration as to the humanity of a jailor, and could guess at the circumstances by which it was produced. But he might tell his employer, that his cares were fruitless: I would accept no favours from a man that held a halter about my neck; and had courage enough to endure the worst both in time to come and now.—The jailor looked at me with astonishment, and turning upon his heel, exclaimed, "Well done, my cock! You have not had your learning for nothing, I see. You are set upon not dying dunghill. But that is to come, lad; you had better by half keep your courage till you shall find it wanted."
I was influenced by these feelings in my response to the jailor, and I took a secret pleasure in expressing them with all their bitterness. I looked at him with a sarcastic smile and said I was glad to see he had suddenly become so humane. However, I wasn’t naïve about a jailor’s humanity and could guess what circumstances led to it. But he could tell his boss that his efforts were wasted: I would accept no favors from someone who had a noose around my neck; I had enough courage to face whatever came next, both now and in the future. The jailor looked at me in shock and, turning on his heel, exclaimed, "Well done, my boy! It seems your education hasn’t gone to waste. You’re determined not to die like a dog. But that will come, lad; you’d be better off saving your courage for when you really need it."
The assizes, which passed over without influence to me, produced a great revolution among my fellow-prisoners. I lived long enough in the jail to witness a general mutation of its inhabitants. One of the housebreakers (the rival of the Duke of Bedford), and the coiner, were hanged. Two more were cast for transportation, and the rest acquitted. The transports remained with us; and, though the prison was thus lightened of nine of its inhabitants, there were, at the next half-yearly period of assizes, as many persons on the felons' side, within three, as I had found on my first arrival.
The trial sessions, which had no impact on me, caused a big shift among my fellow inmates. I stayed in jail long enough to see a complete change in the people there. One of the burglars (the rival of the Duke of Bedford) and the counterfeiter were executed. Two others were sentenced to transportation, and the rest were released. The ones being transported stayed with us; and even though the prison had gotten rid of nine inmates, by the next trial session, there were almost as many people on the felony side as there had been when I first arrived.
The soldier, whose story I have already recorded, died on the evening of the very day on which the judges arrived, of a disease the consequence of his confinement. Such was the justice, that resulted from the laws of his country to an individual who would have been the ornament of any age; one who, of all the men I ever knew, was perhaps the kindest, of the most feeling heart, of the most engaging and unaffected manners, and the most unblemished life. The name of this man was Brightwel. Were it possible for my pen to consecrate him to never-dying fame, I could undertake no task more grateful to my heart. His judgment was penetrating and manly, totally unmixed with imbecility and confusion, while at the same time there was such an uncontending frankness in his countenance, that a superficial observer would have supposed he must have been the prey of the first plausible knavery that was practised against him. Great reason have I to remember him with affection! He was the most ardent, I had almost said the last, of my friends. Nor did I remain in this respect in his debt. There was indeed a great congeniality, if I may presume to say so, in our characters, except that I cannot pretend to rival the originality and self-created vigour of his mind, or to compare with, what the world has scarcely surpassed, the correctness and untainted purity of his conduct. He heard my story, as far as I thought proper to disclose it, with interest; he examined it with sincere impartiality; and if, at first, any doubt remained upon his mind, a frequent observation of me in my most unguarded moments taught him in no long time to place an unreserved confidence in my innocence.
The soldier, whose story I’ve already told, died on the evening of the very day the judges arrived, due to an illness caused by his confinement. This was the kind of justice delivered by the laws of his country to someone who would have been a shining example in any era; someone who, of all the men I’ve known, was perhaps the kindest, with the most caring heart, the most charming and genuine manner, and an impeccable life. This man was named Brightwel. If I could somehow honor him with lasting fame, I would gladly take on that task. His judgment was sharp and bold, completely free of weakness and confusion, yet he had such an open honesty in his expression that a casual observer might have thought he was easily deceived by the first decent lie told to him. I have every reason to remember him fondly! He was the most passionate, I might even say the last, of my friends. I also made sure to return that friendship. There was indeed a great compatibility in our personalities, if I may say so, though I can’t claim to match the originality and self-driven energy of his mind, or to compare with the remarkable correctness and untarnished purity of his actions. He listened to my story, as much as I felt comfortable sharing, with genuine interest; he examined it with real impartiality; and if there was any doubt in his mind at first, seeing me in my most unguarded moments quickly taught him to have complete trust in my innocence.
He talked of the injustice of which we were mutual victims, without bitterness; and delighted to believe that the time would come, when the possibility of such intolerable oppression would be extirpated. But this, he said, was a happiness reserved for posterity; it was too late for us to reap the benefit of it. It was some consolation to him, that he could not tell the period in his past life, which the best judgment of which he was capable would teach him to spend better. He could say, with as much reason as most men, he had discharged his duty. But he foresaw that he should not survive his present calamity. This was his prediction, while yet in health. He might be said, in a certain sense, to have a broken heart. But, if that phrase were in any way applicable to him, sure never was despair more calm, more full of resignation and serenity.
He talked about the injustice that we both faced, without bitterness; and he took comfort in the belief that a time would come when such unbearable oppression would be eliminated. But, he said, that happiness was meant for future generations; it was too late for us to enjoy it. It provided him some consolation that he couldn't pinpoint any time in his past when, with the best judgment he had, he could have lived better. He could confidently say, like most people, that he had fulfilled his responsibilities. However, he believed he wouldn’t survive his current misfortune. This was his prediction, even while he was still healthy. One might say he had a broken heart in a certain way. Yet, if that phrase applied to him at all, he had never experienced despair that was more calm, more accepting, and more serene.
At no time in the whole course of my adventures was I exposed to a shock more severe, than I received from this man's death. The circumstances of his fate presented themselves to my mind in their full complication of iniquity. From him, and the execrations with which I loaded the government that could be the instrument of his tragedy, I turned to myself. I beheld the catastrophe of Brightwel with envy. A thousand times I longed that my corse had lain in death, instead of his. I was only reserved, as I persuaded myself, for unutterable woe. In a few days he would have been acquitted; his liberty, his reputation restored; mankind perhaps, struck with the injustice he had suffered, would have shown themselves eager to balance his misfortunes, and obliterate his disgrace. But this man died; and I remained alive! I, who, though not less wrongfully treated than he, had no hope of reparation, must be marked as long as I lived for a villain, and in my death probably held up to the scorn and detestation of my species!
At no point during my entire journey did I experience a shock more intense than the one I felt from this man's death. The circumstances surrounding his fate filled my mind with their full complexity of wrongdoing. From him and the curses I hurled at the government that could be responsible for his tragedy, I turned my gaze to myself. I looked at Brightwel's end with envy. A thousand times, I wished that my body had been the one lying dead, instead of his. I convinced myself that I was destined only for unspeakable sorrow. In a few days, he would have been acquitted; his freedom, his reputation restored; and perhaps humanity, struck by the injustice he faced, would have eagerly sought to compensate for his misfortunes and erase his disgrace. But this man died, and I am left alive! I, who, though treated as unjustly as he was, have no hope of redemption, must be marked for as long as I live as a villain, and in my death, likely held up for the scorn and hatred of my fellow human beings!
Such were some of the immediate reflections which the fate of this unfortunate martyr produced in my mind. Yet my intercourse with Brightwel was not, in the review, without its portion of comfort. I said, "This man has seen through the veil of calumny that overshades me: he has understood, and has loved me. Why should I despair? May I not meet hereafter with men ingenuous like him, who shall do me justice, and sympathise with my calamity? With that consolation I will be satisfied. I will rest in the arms of friendship, and forget the malignity of the world. Henceforth I will be contented with tranquil obscurity, with the cultivation of sentiment and wisdom, and the exercise of benevolence within a narrow circle." It was thus that my mind became excited to the project I was about to undertake.
These were some of the immediate thoughts that the fate of this unfortunate martyr sparked in my mind. Still, my time spent with Brightwel was not entirely without its comfort. I thought, "This man has seen past the lies that cloud my reputation: he understands me and cares for me. Why should I feel hopeless? Isn’t it possible that in the future I will meet more genuine people like him who will see the truth and empathize with my troubles? With that thought in mind, I will be satisfied. I will find peace in friendship and forget the bitterness of the world. From now on, I will be content in quiet obscurity, focusing on my feelings, gaining wisdom, and practicing kindness within a small circle." This fueled my excitement for the project I was about to undertake.
I had no sooner meditated the idea of an escape, than I determined upon the following method of facilitating the preparations for it. I undertook to ingratiate myself with my keeper. In the world I have generally found such persons as had been acquainted with the outline of my story, regarding me with a sort of loathing and abhorrence, which made them avoid me with as much care as if I had been spotted with the plague. The idea of my having first robbed my patron, and then endeavouring to clear myself by charging him with subornation against me, placed me in a class distinct from, and infinitely more guilty than that of common felons. But this man was too good a master of his profession, to entertain aversion against a fellow-creature upon that score. He considered the persons committed to his custody, merely as so many human bodies, for whom he was responsible that they should be forthcoming in time and place; and the difference of innocence and guilt he looked down upon as an affair beneath his attention. I had not therefore the prejudices to encounter in recommending myself to him, that I have found so peculiarly obstinate in other cases. Add to which, the same motive, whatever it was, that had made him so profuse in his offers a little before, had probably its influence on the present occasion.
As soon as I thought about escaping, I decided to find a way to make the preparations easier. I set out to win over my keeper. In my experience, most people who knew even a little about my story looked at me with disgust and dread, avoiding me as if I had the plague. Since I had first stolen from my patron and then tried to clear my name by accusing him of wrongdoing, I felt I was seen as much worse than a typical criminal. But this man was too skilled at his job to dislike someone just for that reason. He viewed the people in his care as simply human beings he was responsible for keeping safe and available, and he regarded the distinction between innocence and guilt as unimportant. Therefore, I didn’t face the same biases in trying to appeal to him as I encountered in other situations. Additionally, whatever reason had led him to be so generous with his offers before likely played a role in this situation as well.
I informed him of my skill in the profession of a joiner, and offered to make him half a dozen handsome chairs, if he would facilitate my obtaining the tools necessary for carrying on my profession in my present confinement; for, without his consent previously obtained, it would have been in vain for me to expect that I could quietly exert an industry of this kind, even if my existence had depended upon it. He looked at me first, as asking himself what he was to understand by this novel proposal; and then, his countenance most graciously relaxing, said, he was glad I was come off a little of my high notions and my buckram, and he would see what he could do. Two days after, he signified his compliance. He said that, as to the matter of the present I had offered him, he thought nothing of that; I might do as I pleased in it; but I might depend upon every civility from him that he could show with safety to himself, if so be as, when he was civil, I did not offer a second time for to snap and take him up short.
I told him about my skills as a carpenter and offered to make him six nice chairs if he could help me get the tools I needed to work while I was stuck here. Without his prior approval, it would have been pointless for me to think I could quietly do this kind of work, even if my survival depended on it. He stared at me for a moment, as if trying to figure out what to make of my unusual proposal, and then, his face softening, he said he was happy to see me coming down from my lofty ideas and pretensions, and he would see what he could do. Two days later, he confirmed he was on board. He mentioned that he thought nothing of the gift I offered him; I could do whatever I wanted with it, but I could count on him to be polite as long as I didn’t try to confront him again when he was being civil.
Having thus gained my preliminary, I gradually accumulated tools of various sorts—gimlets, piercers, chisels, et cetera. I immediately set myself to work. The nights were long, and the sordid eagerness of my keeper, notwithstanding his ostentatious generosity, was great; I therefore petitioned for, and was indulged with, a bit of candle, that I might amuse myself for an hour or two with my work after I was locked up in my dungeon. I did not however by any means apply constantly to the work I had undertaken, and my jailor betrayed various tokens of impatience. Perhaps he was afraid I should not have finished it, before I was hanged. I however insisted upon working at my leisure as I pleased; and this he did not venture expressly to dispute. In addition to the advantages thus obtained, I procured secretly from Miss Peggy, who now and then came into the jail to make her observations of the prisoners, and who seemed to have conceived some partiality for my person, the implement of an iron crow.
Having gained my preliminary tools, I gradually collected various implements—gimlets, piercers, chisels, and so on. I immediately set to work. The nights were long, and my keeper's greedy eagerness, despite his showy generosity, was intense; so I requested a bit of candle, which I was granted, allowing me to occupy myself for an hour or two with my work after being locked in my cell. However, I didn’t constantly focus on the task at hand, and my jailer showed signs of impatience. Maybe he was worried I wouldn’t finish before I was hanged. Nevertheless, I insisted on working at my own pace, which he didn’t dare openly challenge. In addition to these advantages, I secretly obtained from Miss Peggy, who occasionally came to the jail to observe the prisoners and seemed to take a liking to me, a crowbar.
In these proceedings it is easy to trace the vice and duplicity that must be expected to grow out of injustice. I know not whether my readers will pardon the sinister advantage I extracted from the mysterious concessions of my keeper. But I must acknowledge my weakness in that respect; I am writing my adventures, and not my apology; and I was not prepared to maintain the unvaried sincerity of my manners, at the expense of a speedy close of my existence.
In these proceedings, it's easy to see the corruption and deceit that come from injustice. I don't know if my readers will forgive me for taking advantage of the hidden concessions from my keeper. But I admit my weakness in that area; I’m sharing my adventures, not making excuses, and I wasn’t ready to keep my behavior completely honest if it meant shortening my life.
My plan was now digested. I believed that, by means of the crow, I could easily, and without much noise, force the door of my dungeon from its hinges, or if not, that I could, in case of necessity, cut away the lock. This door led into a narrow passage, bounded on one side by the range of dungeons, and on the other by the jailor's and turnkeys' apartments, through which was the usual entrance from the street. This outlet I dared not attempt, for fear of disturbing the persons close to whose very door I should in that case have found it necessary to pass. I determined therefore upon another door at the further end of the passage, which was well barricaded, and which led to a sort of garden in the occupation of the keeper. This garden I had never entered, but I had had an opportunity of observing it from the window of the felons' day-room, which looked that way, the room itself being immediately over the range of dungeons. I perceived that it was bounded by a wall of considerable height, which I was told by my fellow-prisoners was the extremity of the jail on that side, and beyond which was a back-lane of some length, that terminated in the skirts of the town. Upon an accurate observation, and much reflection upon the subject, I found I should be able, if once I got into the garden, with my gimlets and piercers inserted at proper distances to make a sort of ladder, by means of which I could clear the wall, and once more take possession of the sweets of liberty. I preferred this wall to that which immediately skirted my dungeon, on the other side of which was a populous street.
My plan was now clear. I believed that, using the crowbar, I could easily and quietly force the door of my cell off its hinges, or if necessary, I could cut the lock. This door opened into a narrow hallway, with dungeons on one side and the jailer’s and turnkeys’ rooms on the other, which was the usual entrance from the street. I didn’t dare try that exit for fear of disturbing the people who were close to the very door I would have to go past. So, I decided on another door at the end of the hallway, which was well barricaded and led to a small garden that was maintained by the keeper. I had never been in that garden, but I had a chance to see it from the window of the felons’ day room, which was directly above the dungeons. I noticed that it was enclosed by a tall wall, which my fellow prisoners told me marked the end of the jail on that side, and beyond it was a long back alley that led to the outskirts of the town. After looking closely and thinking it through, I figured that if I could get into the garden, I could use my gimlets and piers to make a kind of ladder with proper spacing, allowing me to climb over the wall and reclaim my freedom. I preferred this wall to the one right next to my dungeon, behind which there was a busy street.
I suffered about two days to elapse from the period at which I had thoroughly digested my project, and then in the very middle of the night began to set about its execution. The first door was attended with considerable difficulty; but at length this obstacle was happily removed. The second door was fastened on the inside. I was therefore able with perfect ease to push back the bolts. But the lock, which of course was depended upon for the principal security, and was therefore strong, was double-shot, and the key taken away. I endeavoured with my chisel to force back the bolt of the lock, but to no purpose. I then unscrewed the box of the lock; and, that being taken away, the door was no longer opposed to my wishes.
I waited about two days after I had fully thought through my plan, and then in the middle of the night, I started to put it into action. The first door was quite difficult to get past, but eventually, I managed to overcome that hurdle. The second door was locked from the inside, so I was easily able to push back the bolts. However, the main lock, which was intended to provide the primary security, was a double locking system, and the key was gone. I tried to use my chisel to force the lock bolt back, but that didn't work. I then unscrewed the lock's casing, and with that removed, the door no longer blocked my way.
Thus far I had proceeded with the happiest success; but close on the other side of the door there was a kennel with a large mastiff dog, of which I had not the smallest previous knowledge. Though I stepped along in the most careful manner, this animal was disturbed, and began to bark. I was extremely disconcerted, but immediately applied myself to soothe the animal, in which I presently succeeded. I then returned along the passage to listen whether any body had been disturbed by the noise of the dog; resolved, if that had been the case, that I would return to my dungeon, and endeavour to replace every thing in its former state. But the whole appeared perfectly quiet, and I was encouraged to proceed in my operation.
So far, I had been quite successful; but just on the other side of the door was a kennel with a large mastiff that I had no idea was there. Even though I was walking very carefully, the dog got startled and started barking. I was really flustered, but quickly tried to calm the dog down, which I managed to do. Then I went back down the hallway to see if anyone had been disturbed by the dog’s barking; I decided that if they had, I would go back to my hiding spot and try to put everything back as it was. But everything seemed perfectly quiet, which encouraged me to continue with what I was doing.
I now got to the wall, and had nearly gained half the ascent, when I heard a voice at the garden-door, crying, "Holloa! who is there? who opened the door?" The man received no answer, and the night was too dark for him to distinguish objects at any distance. He therefore returned, as I judged, into the house for a light. Meantime the dog, understanding the key in which these interrogations were uttered, began barking again more violently than ever. I had now no possibility of retreat, and I was not without hopes that I might yet accomplish my object, and clear the wall. Meanwhile a second man came out, while the other was getting his lantern, and by the time I had got to the top of the wall was able to perceive me. He immediately set up a shout, and threw a large stone, which grazed me in its flight. Alarmed at my situation, I was obliged to descend on the other side without taking the necessary precautions, and in my fall nearly dislocated my ankle.
I reached the wall and had almost made it halfway up when I heard a voice at the garden door shouting, "Hey! Who's there? Who opened the door?" The man didn’t get a response, and it was too dark for him to see anything far away. So, as I guessed, he went back into the house to get a light. Meanwhile, the dog, sensing the urgency in his voice, started barking even louder. I now had no way to backtrack, but I still hoped I could achieve my goal and get over the wall. Just then, a second man came out while the first one went to grab his lantern, and by the time I reached the top of the wall, he spotted me. He immediately shouted and threw a large stone that just barely missed me. Frightened by my situation, I had to jump down on the other side without being careful, and I almost dislocated my ankle when I landed.
There was a door in the wall, of which I was not previously apprised; and, this being opened, the two men with the lantern were on the other side in an instant. They had then nothing to do but to run along the lane to the place from which I had descended. I endeavoured to rise after my fall; but the pain was so intense, that I was scarcely able to stand, and, after having limped a few paces, I twisted my foot under me, and fell down again. I had now no remedy, and quietly suffered myself to be retaken.
There was a door in the wall that I hadn’t noticed before; when it opened, the two men with the lantern were immediately on the other side. They only had to run down the path to the place where I had come down. I tried to get up after my fall, but the pain was so severe that I could barely stand. After limping a few steps, I twisted my foot and fell down again. I had no choice now, so I resigned myself to being caught again.
CHAPTER XIV.
I was conducted to the keeper's room for that night, and the two men sat up with me. I was accosted with many interrogatories, to which I gave little answer, but complained of the hurt in my leg. To this I could obtain no reply, except "Curse you, my lad! if that be all, we will give you some ointment for that; we will anoint it with a little cold iron." They were indeed excessively sulky with me, for having broken their night's rest, and given them all this trouble. In the morning they were as good as their word, fixing a pair of fetters upon both my legs, regardless of the ankle which was now swelled to a considerable size, and then fastening me, with a padlock, to a staple in the floor of my dungeon. I expostulated with warmth upon this treatment, and told them, that I was a man upon whom the law as yet had passed no censure, and who therefore, in the eye of the law, was innocent. But they bid me keep such fudge for people who knew no better; they knew what they did, and would answer it to any court in England.
I was taken to the keeper's room for the night, and the two men stayed up with me. They asked me a lot of questions, but I barely answered, just complaining about the pain in my leg. All I got in response was, "Curse you, kid! If that’s all, we’ll give you some ointment for that; we’ll treat it with a bit of cold iron." They were really annoyed with me for interrupting their night and causing them all this trouble. In the morning, they kept their promise and locked a pair of shackles on both my legs, ignoring the fact that my ankle was now swollen quite a bit, and then they padlocked me to a staple in the floor of my cell. I protested strongly about this treatment and told them that I was a man who hadn’t been judged by the law yet, and so I was innocent in the eyes of the law. But they told me to save that nonsense for people who didn’t know any better; they knew what they were doing and would justify their actions in any court in England.
The pain of the fetter was intolerable. I endeavoured in various ways to relieve it, and even privily to free my leg; but the more it was swelled, the more was this rendered impossible. I then resolved to bear it with patience: still, the longer it continued, the worse it grew. After two days and two nights, I entreated the turnkey to go and ask the surgeon, who usually attended the prison, to look at it, for, if it continued longer as it was, I was convinced it would mortify. But he glared surlily at me, and said, "Damn my blood! I should like to see that day. To die of a mortification is too good an end for such a rascal!" At the time that he thus addressed me, the whole mass of my blood was already fevered by the anguish I had undergone, my patience was wholly exhausted, and I was silly enough to be irritated beyond bearing, by his impertinence and vulgarity: "Look, you, Mr. Turnkey," said I, "there is one thing that such fellows as you are set over us for, and another thing that you are not. You are to take care we do not escape; but it is no part of your office to call us names and abuse us. If I were not chained to the floor, you dare as well eat your fingers as use such language; and, take my word for it, you shall yet live to repent of your insolence."
The pain from the shackles was unbearable. I tried different ways to ease it and even secretly to free my leg, but the more it swelled, the more impossible that became. I decided to endure it patiently; however, the longer it lasted, the worse it got. After two days and two nights, I begged the jailer to go ask the surgeon who usually checked on the inmates to take a look at it, because if it kept up like this, I was sure it would lead to gangrene. But he stared at me angrily and said, "Damn it! I’d like to see that day. Dying from gangrene is too good an end for someone like you!" At that moment, my whole body was already feverish from the pain I had been in, my patience was completely worn out, and I was foolish enough to let his rudeness and vulgarity get to me: "Listen here, Mr. Jailer," I said, "there's one thing you are supposed to do as an officer, and another thing that you are not. Your job is to make sure we don't escape, but you have no right to insult us and talk down to us. If I weren’t chained to the floor, you wouldn’t dare speak to me like that, and believe me, you’ll live to regret your arrogance."
While I thus spoke, the man stared at me with astonishment. He was so little accustomed to such retorts, that, at first, he could scarcely believe his ears; and such was the firmness of my manner, that he seemed to forget for a moment that I was not at large. But, as soon as he had time to recollect himself, he did not deign to be angry. His face relaxed into a smile of contempt; he snapped his fingers at me; and, turning upon his heel, exclaimed, "Well said, my cock! crow away! Have a care you do not burst!" and, as he shut the door upon me, mimicked the voice of the animal he mentioned.
While I spoke, the man looked at me in shock. He was so unaccustomed to such comebacks that, at first, he could barely believe what he heard; and my confident demeanor made him forget for a moment that I wasn’t free. But once he had a chance to collect himself, he didn’t bother getting angry. His expression turned into a smirk of disdain; he snapped his fingers at me and, turning away, shouted, "Well said, my little rooster! Keep crowing! Just make sure you don’t burst!" As he closed the door on me, he imitated the sound of that animal.
This rejoinder brought me to myself in a moment, and showed me the impotence of the resentment I was expressing. But, though he thus put an end to the violence of my speech, the torture of my body continued as great as ever. I was determined to change my mode of attack. The same turnkey returned in a few minutes; and, as he approached me, to put down some food he had brought, I slipped a shilling into his hand, saying at the same time, "My good fellow, for God's sake, go to the surgeon; I am sure you do not wish me to perish for want of assistance." The fellow put the shilling into his pocket, looked hard at me, and then with one nod of his head, and without uttering a single word, went away. The surgeon presently after made his appearance; and, finding the part in a high state of inflammation, ordered certain applications, and gave peremptory directions that the fetter should not be replaced upon that leg, till a cure had been effected. It was a full month before the leg was perfectly healed, and made equally strong and flexible with the other.
This response snapped me back to reality in an instant and showed me how powerless my anger really was. But while he managed to silence my outbursts, the pain in my body remained just as intense. I decided to change my approach. The same guard came back a few minutes later, and as he got closer to set down some food he had brought, I slipped a shilling into his hand and said, "Please, for the love of God, go to the surgeon; I’m sure you don’t want me to die without help." The guy pocketed the shilling, stared at me, then nodded once and walked away without saying a word. Soon after, the surgeon showed up, and upon seeing the severely inflamed area, he ordered some treatments and made it clear that the restraint should not be put back on that leg until it healed. It took a full month for the leg to heal completely, getting as strong and flexible as the other one.
The condition in which I was now placed, was totally different from that which had preceded this attempt. I was chained all day in my dungeon, with no other mitigation, except that the door was regularly opened for a few hours in an afternoon, at which time some of the prisoners occasionally came and spoke to me, particularly one, who, though he could ill replace my benevolent Brightwel, was not deficient in excellent qualities. This was no other than the individual whom Mr. Falkland had, some months before, dismissed upon an accusation of murder. His courage was gone, his garb was squalid, and the comeliness and clearness of his countenance was utterly obliterated. He also was innocent, worthy, brave, and benevolent. He was, I believe, afterwards acquitted, and turned loose, to wander a desolate and perturbed spectre through the world. My manual labours were now at an end; my dungeon was searched every night, and every kind of tool carefully kept from me. The straw, which had been hitherto allowed me, was removed, under pretence that it was adapted for concealment; and the only conveniences with which I was indulged, were a chair and a blanket.
The situation I found myself in was completely different from what I had experienced before this attempt. I was chained up all day in my cell, with only one small relief: the door was opened for a few hours each afternoon, during which time some of the other prisoners occasionally came to talk to me. One in particular, though he couldn't truly replace my kind friend Brightwel, had many good qualities. This was none other than the man whom Mr. Falkland had dismissed a few months earlier on a murder charge. He had lost his courage, his clothes were in rags, and the beauty and clarity of his face had completely faded away. He was also innocent, deserving, brave, and kind. I believe he was later cleared and released, only to roam the world as a troubled and lost soul. My manual labor was now over; my cell was searched every night, and every type of tool was carefully kept away from me. The straw that had previously been allowed was taken away, supposedly because it could be used to hide things, and the only comforts I was given were a chair and a blanket.
A prospect of some alleviation in no long time opened upon me; but this my usual ill fortune rendered abortive. The keeper once more made his appearance, and with his former constitutional and ambiguous humanity. He pretended to be surprised at my want of every accommodation. He reprehended in strong terms my attempt to escape, and observed, that there must be an end of civility from people in his situation, if gentlemen, after all, would not know when they were well. It was necessary, in cases the like of this, to let the law take its course; and it would be ridiculous in me to complain, if, after a regular trial, things should go hard with me. He was desirous of being in every respect my friend, if I would let him. In the midst of this circumlocution and preamble, he was called away from me, for something relating to the business of his office. In the mean time I ruminated upon his overtures; and, detesting as I did the source from which I conceived them to flow, I could not help reflecting how far it would be possible to extract from them the means of escape. But my meditations in this case were vain. The keeper returned no more during the remainder of that day, and, on the next, an incident occurred which put an end to all expectations from his kindness.
I saw a chance for some relief soon, but my usual bad luck ruined it. The keeper showed up again, putting on his typical, ambiguous brand of kindness. He pretended to be surprised at how little I had in terms of comfort. He strongly criticized my attempt to escape, stating that there has to be a limit to civility from people in his position if gentlemen can't recognize when they're doing well. In situations like this, it was necessary to let the law run its course, and it would be ridiculous for me to complain if, after a proper trial, things didn’t go in my favor. He wanted to be my friend in every way, if I would let him. In the middle of this lengthy conversation, he was called away for something related to his job. Meanwhile, I pondered his offers; even though I hated the source of them, I couldn't help thinking about how I could possibly use them to escape. However, my thoughts were fruitless. The keeper didn't come back for the rest of the day, and the next day, something happened that crushed any hopes I had from his kindness.
An active mind, which has once been forced into any particular train, can scarcely be persuaded to desert it as hopeless. I had studied my chains, during the extreme anguish that I endured from the pressure of the fetter upon the ankle which had been sprained; and though, from the swelling and acute sensibility of the part, I had found all attempts at relief, in that instance, impracticable, I obtained, from the coolness of my investigation, another and apparently superior advantage. During the night, my dungeon was in a complete state of darkness; but, when the door was open, the case was somewhat different. The passage indeed into which it opened, was so narrow, and the opposite dead wall so near, that it was but a glimmering and melancholy light that entered my apartment, even at full noon, and when the door was at its widest extent. But my eyes, after a practice of two or three weeks, accommodated themselves to this circumstance, and I learned to distinguish the minutest object. One day, as I was alternately meditating and examining the objects around me, I chanced to observe a nail trodden into the mud-floor at no great distance from me. I immediately conceived the desire of possessing myself of this implement; but, for fear of surprise, people passing perpetually to and fro, I contented myself, for the present, with remarking its situation so accurately, that I might easily find it again in the dark. Accordingly, as soon as my door was shut, I seized upon this new treasure, and, having contrived to fashion it to my purpose, found that I could unlock with it the padlock that fastened me to the staple in the floor. This I regarded as no inconsiderable advantage, separately from the use I might derive from it in relation to my principal object. My chain permitted me to move only about eighteen inches to the right or left; and, having borne this confinement for several weeks, my very heart leaped at the pitiful consolation of being able to range, without constraint, the miserable coop in which I was immured. This incident had occurred several days previously to the last visit of my keeper.
An active mind that's been trained to think a certain way is hard to convince to let go of that mindset. I had studied my chains while enduring the extreme pain from the weight of the cuff on my sprained ankle; and although the swelling and intense sensitivity made it impossible to find relief, I gained a different advantage through my calm examination. During the night, my cell was completely dark; however, when the door opened, things changed a bit. The narrow passage and the opposing wall were so close that only a faint and sad light reached my cell, even at noon and with the door wide open. But after two or three weeks of adjusting, my eyes adapted to the low light, allowing me to make out the smallest details. One day, while I was alternating between deep thought and looking around, I noticed a nail embedded in the muddy floor not far from me. I immediately wanted to get hold of this tool, but since people were constantly passing by, I decided to remember its exact spot so I could find it again in the dark later. As soon as my door was closed, I grabbed this newfound treasure and managed to modify it to unlock the padlock that kept me anchored to the floor. I considered this a significant advantage, aside from its potential usefulness for my main goal. My chain only allowed me to move about eighteen inches to the right or left; after weeks of this confinement, my heart raced at the meager joy of being able to move freely within the dismal cage where I was trapped. This event had happened several days before my keeper’s last visit.
From this time it had been my constant practice to liberate myself every night, and not to replace things in their former situation till I awoke in the morning, and expected shortly to perceive the entrance of the turnkey. Security breeds negligence. On the morning succeeding my conference with the jailor, it so happened, whether I overslept myself, or the turnkey went his round earlier than usual, that I was roused from my sleep by the noise he made in opening the cell next to my own; and though I exerted the utmost diligence, yet having to grope for my materials in the dark, I was unable to fasten the chain to the staple, before he entered, as usual, with his lantern. He was extremely surprised to find me disengaged, and immediately summoned the principal keeper. I was questioned respecting my method of proceeding; and, as I believed concealment could lead to nothing but a severer search, and a more accurate watch, I readily acquainted them with the exact truth. The illustrious personage, whose functions it was to control the inhabitants of these walls, was, by this last instance, completely exasperated against me. Artifice and fair speaking were at an end. His eyes sparkled with fury; he exclaimed, that he was now convinced of the folly of showing kindness to rascals, the scum of the earth, such as I was; and, damn him, if any body should catch him at that again towards any one. I had cured him effectually! He was astonished that the laws had not provided some terrible retaliation for thieves that attempted to deceive their jailors. Hanging was a thousand times too good for me!
From that time on, I made it a habit to free myself every night and not put things back where they belonged until I woke up in the morning and expected the turnkey to arrive. Comfort can make you careless. The morning after my meeting with the jailer, whether I slept in or the turnkey made his rounds earlier than usual, I was jolted awake by the noise he made opening the cell next to mine. Even though I tried my hardest, I couldn’t find my tools in the dark fast enough to attach the chain to the staple before he came in with his lantern. He was really surprised to find me free and quickly called in the head guard. I was questioned about how I managed to escape, and since I thought hiding the truth would only lead to a harsher search and tighter security, I told them exactly what happened. The important figure responsible for controlling the prisoners was completely furious with me after this incident. There was no more nice talk or tricks. His eyes were blazing with anger as he said he now realized the mistake of being kind to scum like me, and he swore he would never be so foolish again with anyone else. I had taught him a lesson! He was shocked that the laws didn’t have some severe punishment for thieves who tried to fool their jailers. Hanging would be way too good for me!
Having vented his indignation, he proceeded to give such orders as the united instigations of anger and alarm suggested to his mind. My apartment was changed. I was conducted to a room called the strong room, the door of which opened into the middle cell of the range of dungeons. It was under-ground, as they were, and had also the day-room for felons, already described, immediately over it. It was spacious and dreary. The door had not been opened for years; the air was putrid; and the walls hung round with damps and mildew. The fetters, the padlock, and the staple, were employed, as in the former case, in addition to which they put on me a pair of handcuffs. For my first provision, the keeper sent me nothing but a bit of bread, mouldy and black, and some dirty and stinking water. I know not indeed whether this is to be regarded as gratuitous tyranny on the part of the jailor; the law having providently directed, in certain cases, that the water to be administered to the prisoners shall be taken from "the next sink or puddle nearest to the jail."5 It was further ordered, that one of the turnkeys should sleep in the cell that formed a sort of anti-chamber to my apartment. Though every convenience was provided, to render this chamber fit for the reception of a personage of a dignity so superior to the felon he was appointed to guard, he expressed much dissatisfaction at the mandate: but there was no alternative.
Having let out his frustration, he went on to give orders based on the mix of anger and fear flooding his mind. They moved me to a room called the strong room, which had a door leading into the middle cell of the dungeon range. Like those cells, it was underground and had the day-room for inmates right above it. It was large and depressing. The door hadn't been opened in years; the air was foul, and the walls were covered in damp and mold. They used fetters, a padlock, and a staple on me, just like before, plus they added a pair of handcuffs. For my first meal, the guard brought me nothing but a piece of stale, black bread and some dirty, foul-smelling water. I do not know if this was simply cruelty from the jailer; the law had specified in certain cases that the water given to prisoners must come from "the nearest sink or puddle to the jail." It was also mandated that one of the turnkeys should sleep in the cell that served as a kind of antechamber to my room. Even though they had made every arrangement to make this space suitable for someone of a much higher status than the criminal he was set to watch, he showed considerable dissatisfaction with the order; but he had no choice.
The situation to which I was thus removed was, apparently, the most undesirable that could be imagined but I was not discouraged; I had for some time learned not to judge by appearances. The apartment was dark and unwholesome; but I had acquired the secret of counteracting these influences. My door was kept continually shut, and the other prisoners were debarred access to me; but if the intercourse of our fellow-men has its pleasure, solitude, on the other hand, is not without its advantages. In solitude we can pursue our own thoughts undisturbed; and I was able to call up at will the most pleasing avocations. Besides which, to one who meditated such designs as now filled my mind, solitude had peculiar recommendations. I was scarcely left to myself, before I tried an experiment, the idea of which I conceived, while they were fixing my handcuffs; and, with my teeth only, disengaged myself from this restraint. The hours at which I was visited by the keepers were regular, and I took care to be provided for them. Add to which, I had a narrow grated window near the ceiling, about nine inches in perpendicular, and a foot and a half horizontally, which, though small, admitted a much stronger light than that to which I had been accustomed for several weeks. Thus circumstanced, I scarcely ever found myself in total darkness, and was better provided against surprises than I had been in my preceding situation. Such were the sentiments which this change of abode immediately suggested.
The situation I found myself in was probably the worst imaginable, but I wasn't discouraged; I had learned not to judge by appearances. The apartment was dark and unhealthy, but I had figured out how to counteract those effects. I kept my door shut at all times, and the other prisoners were not allowed to come near me; however, while interacting with people can be enjoyable, solitude has its own perks. In solitude, I could think freely and focus on my own thoughts, and I could summon up my most enjoyable activities at will. Additionally, for someone with plans like mine, solitude had its own unique advantages. As soon as I was left alone, I attempted an experiment I had thought of while they were putting on my handcuffs, and I managed to escape from them using only my teeth. The guards visited me at regular times, and I made sure to be prepared for them. I also had a small barred window near the ceiling, about nine inches tall and a foot and a half wide, which, although small, let in much stronger light than I had seen in the past few weeks. With this setup, I hardly ever experienced total darkness and was better prepared for surprises than I had been before. These were the thoughts that this change in my living situation immediately brought to mind.
I had been a very little time removed, when I received an unexpected visit from Thomas, Mr. Falkland's footman, whom I have already mentioned in the course of my narrative. A servant of Mr. Forester happened to come to the town where I was imprisoned, a few weeks before, while I was confined with the hurt in my ankle, and had called in to see me. The account he gave of what he observed had been the source of many an uneasy sensation to Thomas. The former visit was a matter of mere curiosity; but Thomas was of the better order of servants. He was considerably struck at the sight of me. Though my mind was now serene, and my health sufficiently good, yet the floridness of my complexion was gone, and there was a rudeness in my physiognomy, the consequence of hardship and fortitude, extremely unlike the sleekness of my better days. Thomas looked alternately in my face, at my hands, and my feet; and then fetched a deep sigh. After a pause,
I hadn’t been gone long when I got an unexpected visit from Thomas, Mr. Falkland's footman, whom I've already mentioned in my story. A servant of Mr. Forester had happened to come to the town where I was locked up a few weeks earlier, while I was dealing with my ankle injury, and he had dropped by to see me. What he reported about what he saw caused Thomas a lot of unease. That previous visit was just out of curiosity, but Thomas was one of the better servants. He was noticeably taken aback when he saw me. Even though my mind was calm and my health was pretty good, the rosy color in my face was gone, and there was a coarseness in my features from the struggle and resilience I had shown, which was very different from the smoothness of my earlier days. Thomas kept glancing at my face, my hands, and my feet, and then he let out a deep sigh. After a pause,
"Lord bless us!" said he, in a voice in which commiseration was sufficiently perceptible, "is this you?"
"Lord bless us!" he said, his voice clearly showing his sympathy. "Is that really you?"
"Why not, Thomas? You knew I was sent to prison, did not you?"
"Why not, Thomas? You knew I was sent to prison, right?"
"Prison! and must people in prison be shackled and bound of that fashion?—and where do you lay of nights?"
"Prison! Do people really have to be shackled and bound like that?—And where do you sleep at night?"
"Here."
"Here."
"Here? Why there is no bed!"
"Here? But there’s no couch!"
"No, Thomas, I am not allowed a bed. I had straw formerly, but that is taken away."
"No, Thomas, I’m not allowed a bed. I used to have straw, but that’s been taken away."
"And do they take off them there things of nights?"
"And do they take off those things at night?"
"No; I am expected to sleep just as you see."
"No; I'm supposed to sleep just like you see."
"Sleep! Why I thought this was a Christian country; but this usage is too bad for a dog."
"Sleep! I thought this was a Christian country, but this behavior is too awful for even a dog."
"You must not say so, Thomas; it is what the wisdom of government has thought fit to provide."
"You shouldn't say that, Thomas; it's what the wisdom of the government decided to provide."
"Zounds, how I have been deceived! They told me what a fine thing it was to be an Englishman, and about liberty and property, and all that there; and I find it is all a flam. Lord, what fools we be! Things are done under our very noses, and we know nothing of the matter; and a parcel of fellows with grave faces swear to us, that such things never happen but in France, and other countries the like of that. Why, you ha'n't been tried, ha' you?"
"Wow, how I’ve been fooled! They told me how great it is to be English, about freedom and property, and all that stuff; and I find out it’s all just nonsense. Man, what fools we are! Things are happening right under our noses, and we don’t know a thing about it; and a bunch of serious guys insist to us that things like this only happen in France and places like that. So, you haven’t been tried, have you?"
"No."
"Nope."
"And what signifies being tried, when they do worse than hang a man, and all beforehand? Well, master Williams, you have been very wicked to be sure, and I thought it would have done me good to see you hanged. But, I do not know how it is, one's heart melts, and pity comes over one, if we take time to cool. I know that ought not to be; but, damn it, when I talked of your being hanged, I did not think of your suffering all this into the bargain."
"And what does it matter to be put on trial when they treat you worse than just hanging a guy, all before the fact? Well, master Williams, you've definitely been very bad, and I thought it would make me feel better to see you hanged. But I don’t know how it happens, one’s heart softens, and you start to feel pity if you just take a moment to chill. I know I shouldn’t feel that way; but, damn it, when I was talking about you being hanged, I didn't consider that you'd have to go through all this suffering too."
Soon after this conversation Thomas left me. The idea of the long connection of our families rushed upon his memory, and he felt more for my sufferings, at the moment, than I did for myself. In the afternoon I was surprised to see him again. He said that he could not get the thought of me out of his mind, and therefore he hoped I would not be displeased at his coming once more to take leave of me. I could perceive that he had something upon his mind, which he did not know how to discharge. One of the turnkeys had each time come into the room with him, and continued as long as he staid. Upon some avocation however—a noise, I believe, in the passage—the turnkey went as far as the door to satisfy his curiosity; and Thomas, watching the opportunity, slipped into my hand a chisel, a file, and a saw, exclaiming at the same time with a sorrowful tone, "I know I am doing wrong; but, if they hang me too, I cannot help it; I cannot do no other. For Christ's sake, get out of this place; I cannot bear the thoughts of it!" I received the implements with great joy, and thrust them into my bosom; and, as soon as he was gone, concealed them in the rushes of my chair. For himself he had accomplished the object for which he came, and presently after bade me farewell.
Soon after our conversation, Thomas left me. The long history between our families came rushing back to him, and he felt more empathy for my suffering in that moment than I did for myself. In the afternoon, I was surprised to see him again. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and he hoped I wouldn’t mind him coming back one more time to say goodbye. I could tell he had something on his mind that he didn’t know how to express. A guard had come into the room with him each time and stayed for the duration of his visit. However, at one point—due to a noise, I believe, in the hallway—the guard stepped as far as the door to satisfy his curiosity. Thomas seized the chance, slipped a chisel, a file, and a saw into my hand, and said with a heavy heart, "I know I’m doing something wrong, but if they hang me too, I can’t help it; I can’t do anything else. For Christ’s sake, get out of this place; I can’t bear the thought of it!" I received the tools with great joy and hid them in my bosom; as soon as he left, I concealed them in the rushes of my chair. He had achieved what he came for and soon afterward said goodbye.
The next day, the keepers, I know not for what reason, were more than usually industrious in their search, saying, though without assigning any ground for their suspicion, that they were sure I had some tool in my possession that I ought not; but the depository I had chosen escaped them.
The next day, the keepers, for reasons I don't know, were more eager than usual in their search, claiming, without giving any reason for their suspicion, that they were sure I had some tool I shouldn't have; but the place I had chosen to hide it stayed hidden from them.
I waited from this time the greater part of a week, that I might have the benefit of a bright moonlight. It was necessary that I should work in the night; it was necessary that my operations should be performed between the last visit of the keepers at night and their first in the morning, that is, between nine in the evening and seven. In my dungeon, as I have already said, I passed fourteen or sixteen hours of the four-and-twenty undisturbed; but since I had acquired a character for mechanical ingenuity, a particular exception with respect to me was made from the general rules of the prison.
I waited for most of a week so I could take advantage of a bright moonlit night. It was essential for me to work after dark; I had to carry out my tasks between the last visit of the guards at night and their first in the morning, which meant working between nine in the evening and seven in the morning. In my dungeon, as I already mentioned, I spent fourteen or sixteen hours of the twenty-four undisturbed; however, since I gained a reputation for mechanical skill, a specific exception was made for me from the general prison rules.
It was ten o'clock when I entered on my undertaking. The room in which I was confined was secured with a double door. This was totally superfluous for the purpose of my detention, since there was a sentinel planted on the outside. But it was very fortunate for my plan; because these doors prevented the easy communication of sound, and afforded me tolerable satisfaction that, with a little care in my mode of proceeding, I might be secure against the danger of being overheard. I first took off my handcuffs. I then filed through my fetters; and next performed the same service to three of the iron bars that secured my window, to which I climbed, partly by the assistance of my chair, and partly by means of certain irregularities in the wall. All this was the work of more than two hours. When the bars were filed through, I easily forced them a little from the perpendicular, and then drew them, one by one, out of the wall, into which they were sunk about three inches perfectly straight, and without any precaution to prevent their being removed. But the space thus obtained was by no means wide enough to admit the passing of my body. I therefore applied myself, partly with my chisel, and partly with one of the iron bars, to the loosening the brick-work; and when I had thus disengaged four or five bricks, I got down and piled them upon the floor. This operation I repeated three or four times The space was now sufficient for my purpose: and, having crept through the opening, I stepped upon a shed on the outside.
It was ten o'clock when I started my task. The room I was in was locked with a double door. This was completely unnecessary for my confinement since there was a guard posted outside. But it worked in my favor; those doors helped muffle sound, giving me a reasonable assurance that, with a bit of care in how I went about things, I could avoid being overheard. First, I took off my handcuffs. Then I filed through my restraints and did the same for three of the iron bars securing my window. I climbed up with the help of my chair and some irregularities in the wall. This took me more than two hours. Once the bars were filed down, I managed to slightly bend them and then pulled them out of the wall, where they were set about three inches deep and straight, without any precautions in place to stop their removal. However, the opening wasn't wide enough for me to get through. So, I used my chisel and one of the iron bars to loosen the bricks. After dislodging four or five bricks, I piled them on the floor. I repeated this process three or four times. Now, there was enough space for my plan: I crawled through the opening and stepped onto a shed outside.
I was now in a kind of rude area between two dead walls, that south of the felons' day-room (the windows of which were at the east end) and the wall of the prison. But I had not, as formerly, any instruments to assist me in scaling the wall, which was of considerable height. There was, of consequence, no resource for me but that of effecting a practicable breach in the lower part of the wall, which was of no contemptible strength, being of stone on the outside, with a facing of brick within. The rooms for the debtors were at right angles with the building from which I had just escaped; and, as the night was extremely bright, I was in momentary danger, particularly in case of the least noise, of being discovered by them, several of their windows commanding this area. Thus circumstanced, I determined to make the shed answer the purpose of concealment. It was locked; but, with the broken link of my fetters, which I had had the precaution to bring with me, I found no great difficulty in opening the lock. I had now got a sufficient means of hiding my person while I proceeded in my work, attended with no other disadvantage than that of being obliged to leave the door, through which I had thus broken, a little open for the sake of light. After some time, I had removed a considerable part of the brick-work of the outer wall; but, when I came to the stone, I found the undertaking infinitely more difficult. The mortar which bound together the building was, by length of time, nearly petrified, and appeared to my first efforts one solid rock of the hardest adamant. I had now been six hours incessantly engaged in incredible labour: my chisel broke in the first attempt upon this new obstacle; and between fatigue already endured, and the seemingly invincible difficulty before me, I concluded that I must remain where I was, and gave up the idea of further effort as useless. At the same time the moon, whose light had till now been of the greatest use to me, set, and I was left in total darkness.
I was now in a rough area between two solid walls, south of the felons' day-room (the windows of which were at the east end) and the prison wall. Unlike before, I didn't have any tools to help me climb the wall, which was quite tall. So, my only option was to create a hole in the lower part of the wall, which was pretty strong, being made of stone on the outside and brick on the inside. The debtor rooms were perpendicular to the building I had just escaped from, and since the night was very bright, I was at risk of being seen, especially if I made any noise, since several of their windows overlooked this area. Given the situation, I decided to use the shed for cover. It was locked, but with the broken link from my shackles, which I had the foresight to bring, I was able to unlock it without much trouble. I now had a decent way to conceal myself while I worked, though I had to leave the door I broke through slightly ajar for light. After a while, I had managed to remove a significant amount of the brickwork from the outer wall; however, when I got to the stone, I found it to be much more challenging. The mortar that held the building together had become nearly petrified over time and felt like one solid block of the hardest stone. I had been working non-stop for six hours, and my chisel broke on my first strike at this new obstacle. With the exhaustion I had already experienced and the seemingly unbeatable challenge ahead of me, I decided I would have to stay put and gave up on any further attempts as pointless. At the same time, the moon, which had been my main source of light, set, and I was left in complete darkness.
After a respite of ten minutes however, I returned to the attack with new vigour. It could not be less than two hours before the first stone was loosened from the edifice. In one hour more, the space was sufficient to admit of my escape. The pile of bricks I had left in the strong room was considerable. But it was a mole-hill compared with the ruins I had forced from the outer wall. I am fully assured that the work I had thus performed would have been to a common labourer, with every advantage of tools, the business of two or three days. But my difficulties, instead of being ended, seemed to be only begun. The day broke, before I had completed the opening, and in ten minutes more the keepers would probably enter my apartment, and perceive the devastation I had left. The lane, which connected the side of the prison through which I had escaped with the adjacent country, was formed chiefly by two dead walls, with here and there a stable, a few warehouses, and some mean habitations, tenanted by the lower order of people. My best security lay in clearing the town as soon as possible, and depending upon the open country for protection. My arms were intolerably swelled and bruised with my labour, and my strength seemed wholly exhausted with fatigue. Speed I was nearly unable to exert for any continuance; and, if I could, with the enemy so close at my heels, speed would too probably have been useless. It appeared as if I were now in almost the same situation as that in which I had been placed five or six weeks before, in which, after having completed my escape, I was obliged to yield myself up, without resistance, to my pursuers. I was not however disabled as then; I was capable of exertion, to what precise extent I could not ascertain; and I was well aware, that every instance in which I should fail of my purpose would contribute to enhance the difficulty of any future attempt. Such were the considerations that presented themselves in relation to my escape; and, even if that were effected, I had to reckon among my difficulties, that, at the time I quitted my prison, I was destitute of every resource, and had not a shilling remaining in the world.
After a break of ten minutes, I jumped back into the task with renewed energy. It took at least two hours before the first stone came loose from the structure. Another hour passed, and I finally made a space big enough to escape. The pile of bricks I had left in the strong room was substantial, but it was nothing compared to the debris I had forced from the outer wall. I was certain that what I had done would have taken a regular laborer, with all the right tools, two or three days to accomplish. But instead of solving my problems, it felt like they were just beginning. Daylight broke before I finished the opening, and in about ten minutes, the guards would probably come into my room and see the damage I had caused. The alley that connected the side of the prison where I had escaped to the surrounding area was mostly flanked by two tall, featureless walls, with a stable, a few warehouses, and some shabby homes occupied by lower-class people scattered in between. My best bet was to clear out of town as quickly as possible and rely on the open countryside for safety. My arms were painfully swollen and bruised from all the effort, and I felt completely drained from fatigue. I could barely manage any speed for long, and even if I could, it wouldn't be much use with the enemy so close behind me. It felt like I was in almost the same predicament I faced five or six weeks earlier when I had escaped, only to surrender without a fight to my pursuers. However, I wasn't as incapacitated as I had been then; I was capable of some effort, but I couldn't gauge how much exactly. I knew that any failure would only make future attempts harder. These were the thoughts racing through my mind as I considered my escape; and even if I managed to get away, I had to face the fact that I left my prison completely broke, without a single penny to my name.
VOLUME THE THIRD.
CHAPTER I.
I passed along the lane I have described, without perceiving or being observed by a human being. The doors were shut, the window-shutters closed, and all was still as night. I reached the extremity of the lane unmolested. My pursuers, if they immediately followed, would know that the likelihood was small, of my having in the interval found shelter in this place; and would proceed without hesitation, as I on my part was obliged to do, from the end nearest to the prison to its furthest termination.
I walked down the lane I mentioned, without noticing or being seen by anyone. The doors were shut, the window shutters were closed, and everything was as quiet as night. I reached the end of the lane without any trouble. My pursuers, if they were right behind me, would realize that it was unlikely I had found shelter in this place during that time and would continue without hesitation, just as I had to do, from the end closest to the prison to the farthest point.
The face of the country, in the spot to which I had thus opened myself a passage, was rude and uncultivated. It was overgrown with brushwood and furze; the soil was for the most part of a loose sand; and the surface extremely irregular. I climbed a small eminence, and could perceive, not very remote in the distance, a few cottages thinly scattered. This prospect did not altogether please me; I conceived that my safety would, for the present, be extremely assisted, by keeping myself from the view of any human being.
The landscape of the area I had found myself in was rough and untamed. It was covered in brambles and gorse; the ground was mostly loose sand, and the terrain was very uneven. I climbed a small hill and could see a few cottages scattered not too far away. This view didn’t exactly make me happy; I figured that my safety would be greatly helped by staying out of sight of any other people.
I therefore came down again into the valley, and upon a careful examination perceived that it was interspersed with cavities, some deeper than others, but all of them so shallow, as neither to be capable of hiding a man, nor of exciting suspicion as places of possible concealment. Meanwhile the day had but just begun to dawn; the morning was lowering and drizzly; and, though the depth of these caverns was of course well known to the neighbouring inhabitants, the shadows they cast were so black and impenetrable, as might well have produced wider expectations in the mind of a stranger. Poor therefore as was the protection they were able to afford, I thought it right to have recourse to it for the moment, as the best the emergency would supply. It was for my life; and, the greater was the jeopardy to which it was exposed, the more dear did that life seem to become to my affections. The recess I chose, as most secure, was within little more than a hundred yards of the end of the lane, and the extreme buildings of the town.
I then went back down into the valley and, after a close look, noticed that it was dotted with depressions, some deeper than others, but all too shallow to hide a person or raise any suspicions as potential hiding spots. Meanwhile, the day had just started to break; the morning was gloomy and drizzly; and although the depth of these holes was well known to the local residents, the shadows they created were so dark and thick that they could easily lead a stranger to have bigger expectations. So, even though they offered poor protection, I thought it best to use them for now, as it was the best option available in a crisis. It was about my life; and the greater the danger to it, the more precious that life felt to me. The spot I picked as the safest was just over a hundred yards from the end of the lane and the outer buildings of the town.
I had not stood up in this manner two minutes, before I heard the sound of feet, and presently saw the ordinary turnkey and another pass the place of my retreat. They were so close to me that, if I had stretched out my hand, I believe I could have caught hold of their clothes, without so much as changing my posture. As no part of the overhanging earth intervened between me and them, I could see them entire, though the deepness of the shade rendered me almost completely invisible. I heard them say to each other, in tones of vehement asperity, "Curse the rascal! which way can he be gone?" The reply was, "Damn him! I wish we had him but safe once again!"—"Never fear!" rejoined the first; "he cannot have above half a mile the start of us." They were presently out of hearing; for, as to sight, I dared not advance my body, so much as an inch, to look after them, lest I should be discovered by my pursuers in some other direction. From the very short time that elapsed, between my escape and the appearance of these men, I concluded that they had made their way through the same outlet as I had done, it being impossible that they could have had time to come, from the gate of the prison, and so round a considerable part of the town, as they must otherwise have done.
I had only been standing like this for two minutes when I heard footsteps and soon saw the usual guard and another person walk by my hiding place. They were so close that if I had reached out my hand, I think I could have grabbed their clothes without even changing my position. Since there was nothing blocking my view, I could see them clearly, even though the heavy shade made me almost completely invisible. I heard them angrily say to each other, "Damn that guy! Which way could he have gone?" The other replied, "I wish we had him back, safe and sound!"—"Don't worry!" the first one said; "he can't be more than half a mile ahead of us." Soon, they were out of earshot. I didn't dare move an inch to look after them, for fear that I would be spotted by my pursuers. Given how little time had passed between my escape and their arrival, I figured they must have taken the same route I did, as there’s no way they could have come from the prison gate and around the town in such a short time.
I was so alarmed at this instance of diligence on the part of the enemy, that, for some time, I scarcely ventured to proceed an inch from my place of concealment, or almost to change my posture. The morning, which had been bleak and drizzly, was succeeded by a day of heavy and incessant rain; and the gloomy state of the air and surrounding objects, together with the extreme nearness of my prison, and a total want of food, caused me to pass the hours in no very agreeable sensations. This inclemency of the weather however, which generated a feeling of stillness and solitude, encouraged me by degrees to change my retreat, for another of the same nature, out of somewhat greater security. I hovered with little variation about a single spot, as long as the sun continued above the horizon.
I was so shocked by this show of effort from the enemy that I barely dared to move an inch from my hiding place, or even to shift my position, for a long time. The morning, which had been cold and drizzly, gave way to a day filled with heavy, nonstop rain; the dark atmosphere and surrounding scenery, along with my incredibly close prison and total lack of food, made the hours pass with very unpleasant feelings. However, this harsh weather, which created a sense of calm and isolation, gradually encouraged me to change my hiding spot for one that felt a bit more secure. I stayed with little change in a single area as long as the sun was above the horizon.
Towards evening, the clouds began to disperse, and the moon shone, as on the preceding night, in full brightness. I had perceived no human creature during the whole day, except in the instance already mentioned. This had perhaps been owing to the nature of the day; at all events I considered it as too hazardous an experiment, to venture from my hiding-place in so clear and fine a night. I was therefore obliged to wait for the setting of this luminary, which was not till near five o'clock in the morning. My only relief during this interval was to allow myself to sink to the bottom of my cavern, it being scarcely possible for me to continue any longer on my feet. Here I fell into an interrupted and unrefreshing doze, the consequence of a laborious night, and a tedious, melancholy day; though I rather sought to avoid sleep, which, cooperating with the coldness of the season, would tend more to injury than advantage.
As evening approached, the clouds started to clear, and the moon, like the night before, shone brightly. Throughout the day, I hadn’t seen anyone, except for the one instance I mentioned earlier. This was probably due to the nature of the day; either way, I thought it was too risky to leave my hiding spot on such a clear and beautiful night. So, I had to wait for the moon to set, which wouldn’t happen until almost five in the morning. During that time, my only relief was to sink to the bottom of my cave, as I could hardly stand any longer. I drifted into a restless and unrefreshing doze, a result of a tiring night and a long, depressing day; although I tried to avoid sleep, as it, combined with the chill of the season, would do me more harm than good.
The period of darkness, which I had determined to use for the purpose of removing to a greater distance from my prison, was, in its whole duration, something less than three hours. When I rose from my seat, I was weak with hunger and fatigue, and, which was worse, I seemed, between the dampness of the preceding day and the sharp, clear frost of the night, to have lost the command of my limbs. I stood up and shook myself; I leaned against the side of the hill, impelling in different directions the muscles of the extremities; and at length recovered in some degree the sense of feeling. This operation was attended with an incredible aching pain, and required no common share of resolution to encounter and prosecute it. Having quitted my retreat, I at first advanced with weak and tottering steps; but, as I proceeded, increased my pace. The barren heath, which reached to the edge of the town, was, at least on this side, without a path; but the stars shone, and, guiding myself by them, I determined to steer as far as possible from the hateful scene where I had been so long confined. The line I pursued was of irregular surface, sometimes obliging me to climb a steep ascent, and at others to go down into a dark and impenetrable dell. I was often compelled, by the dangerousness of the way, to deviate considerably from the direction I wished to pursue. In the mean time I advanced with as much rapidity as these and similar obstacles would permit me to do. The swiftness of the motion, and the thinness of the air, restored to me my alacrity. I forgot the inconveniences under which I laboured, and my mind became lively, spirited, and enthusiastic.
The period of darkness that I had planned to use to get further away from my prison lasted just under three hours. When I got up from my seat, I felt weak from hunger and fatigue, and worse, it seemed like I had lost control of my limbs due to the dampness from the previous day and the sharp, clear frost of the night. I stood up and shook myself off; I leaned against the side of the hill, stretching my muscles in different directions, and eventually regained some feeling. This process was incredibly painful and required a significant amount of willpower to endure and continue. After leaving my hiding spot, I initially moved with shaky, unsteady steps; however, as I continued, I picked up my pace. The barren heath, which stretched to the edge of the town, had no path on this side, but the stars were shining, and using them for guidance, I decided to steer as far away as possible from the place where I had been trapped for so long. The path I took was uneven, sometimes forcing me to climb a steep incline and at other times making me descend into a dark, impenetrable hollow. I often had to veer off significantly from the direction I wanted to go because the way was so treacherous. Meanwhile, I moved as quickly as these and similar obstacles allowed. The speed of my movement and the thinness of the air brought back my energy. I forgot about the discomfort I was experiencing, and my mind became lively, spirited, and enthusiastic.
I had now reached the border of the heath, and entered upon what is usually termed the forest. Strange as it may seem, it is nevertheless true, that, in this conjuncture, exhausted with hunger, destitute of all provision for the future, and surrounded with the most alarming dangers, my mind suddenly became glowing, animated, and cheerful. I thought that, by this time, the most formidable difficulties of my undertaking were surmounted; and I could not believe that, after having effected so much, I should find any thing invincible in what remained to be done. I recollected the confinement I had undergone, and the fate that had impended over me, with horror. Never did man feel more vividly, than I felt at that moment, the sweets of liberty. Never did man more strenuously prefer poverty with independence, to the artificial allurements of a life of slavery. I stretched forth my arms with rapture; I clapped my hands one upon the other, and exclaimed, "Ah, this is indeed to be a man! These wrists were lately galled with fetters; all my motions, whether I rose up or sat down, were echoed to with the clanking of chains; I was tied down like a wild beast, and could not move but in a circle of a few feet in circumference. Now I can run fleet as a greyhound, and leap like a young roe upon the mountains. Oh, God! (if God there be that condescends to record the lonely beatings of an anxious heart) thou only canst tell with what delight a prisoner, just broke forth from his dungeon, hugs the blessings of new-found liberty! Sacred and indescribable moment, when man regains his rights! But lately I held my life in jeopardy, because one man was unprincipled enough to assert what he knew to be false; I was destined to suffer an early and inexorable death from the hands of others, because none of them had penetration enough to distinguish from falsehood, what I uttered with the entire conviction of a full-fraught heart! Strange, that men, from age to age, should consent to hold their lives at the breath of another, merely that each in his turn may have a power of acting the tyrant according to law! Oh, God! give me poverty! shower upon me all the imaginary hardships of human life! I will receive them all with thankfulness. Turn me a prey to the wild beasts of the desert, so I be never again the victim of man, dressed in the gore-dripping robes of authority! Suffer me at least to call life, and the pursuits of life, my own! Let me hold it at the mercy of the elements, of the hunger of beasts, or the revenge of barbarians, but not of the cold-blooded prudence of monopolists and kings!"—How enviable was the enthusiasm which could thus furnish me with energy, in the midst of hunger, poverty, and universal desertion!
I had now reached the edge of the heath and stepped into what is usually called the forest. Strange as it may seem, it’s true that, at this moment, exhausted from hunger, lacking any provisions for the future, and surrounded by frightening dangers, my mind suddenly felt vibrant, excited, and happy. I thought that by this time, I had overcome the toughest challenges of my journey; I couldn’t believe that after achieving so much, there would be anything I couldn’t conquer in what was left to do. I remembered the confinement I had experienced and the fate that had loomed over me, with dread. Never has anyone felt more vividly than I did at that moment the joys of freedom. Never has anyone preferred poverty with independence more than the fake attractions of a life in bondage. I stretched out my arms in joy; I clapped my hands together and exclaimed, "Ah, this is truly what it means to be a man! These wrists were recently marked by shackles; every move I made, whether I stood up or sat down, was marked by the sound of clanking chains; I was tied down like a wild animal, able to move only in a small circle. Now I can run fast like a greyhound and leap like a young deer on the mountains. Oh, God! (if there is a God who cares to listen to the lonely thumping of an anxious heart) only you can understand the delight a prisoner feels when he breaks free from his dungeon, cherishing the blessings of newfound liberty! What a sacred and indescribable moment it is when a man regains his rights! Just recently, I was risking my life because one man was dishonest enough to claim what he knew was a lie; I was destined for an early and unavoidable death at the hands of others because none of them had the insight to see the truth in what I spoke with complete belief. It’s strange that people throughout history agree to put their lives in the hands of another, just so each can play the tyrant in their turn, legally! Oh, God! Give me poverty! Shower me with all the imagined hardships of human life! I will accept them all with gratitude. Let me be prey for the wild animals of the desert, as long as I am never again a victim of man, dressed in the blood-stained robes of authority! At least let me claim life, and the pursuits of life, as my own! Let me face the mercy of the elements, the hunger of beasts, or the revenge of barbarians, but not the cold-blooded calculations of monopolists and kings!"—How enviable was the enthusiasm that could give me energy, even in the midst of hunger, poverty, and total abandonment!
I had now walked at least six miles. At first I carefully avoided the habitations that lay in my way, and feared to be seen by any of the persons to whom they belonged, lest it should in any degree furnish a clue to the researches of my pursuers. As I went forward, I conceived it might be proper to relax a part of my precaution. At this time I perceived several persons coming out of a thicket close to me. I immediately considered this circumstance as rather favourable than the contrary. It was necessary for me to avoid entering any of the towns and villages in the vicinity. It was however full time that I should procure for myself some species of refreshment, and by no means improbable that these men might be in some way assisting to me in that respect. In my situation it appeared to me indifferent what might be their employment or profession. I had little to apprehend from thieves, and I believed that they, as well as honest men, could not fail to have some compassion for a person under my circumstances. I therefore rather threw myself in their way than avoided them.
I had now walked at least six miles. At first, I was careful to avoid the places in my path, and I was afraid of being seen by anyone who lived there, worried it might give my pursuers a lead. As I kept moving forward, I thought it might be okay to let my guard down a little. At that moment, I noticed a few people coming out of a thicket nearby. I saw this as more of a good thing than a bad one. I needed to avoid going into any towns or villages around me. However, it was definitely time for me to find some sort of food, and it seemed likely that these men could help me with that. Given my situation, I didn't really care what their jobs were. I felt I had little to fear from thieves, and I thought that both thieves and honest people would have some compassion for someone in my position. So, I chose to approach them rather than steer clear.
They were thieves. One of the company cried out, "Who goes there? stand!" I accosted them; "Gentlemen," said I, "I am a poor traveller, almost"—While I spoke, they came round me; and he that had first hailed me, said, "Damn me, tip us none of your palaver; we have heard that story of a poor traveller any time these five years. Come, down with your dust! let us see what you have got!"—"Sir," I replied, "I have not a shilling in the world, and am more than half starved beside."—"Not a shilling!" answered my assailant, "what, I suppose you are as poor as a thief? But, if you have not money, you have clothes, and those you must resign."
They were thieves. One of them shouted, "Who goes there? Stop!" I approached them; "Gentlemen," I said, "I'm just a poor traveler, almost"—As I spoke, they surrounded me, and the one who had first called out said, "Damn it, don’t give us any of your excuses; we’ve heard the poor traveler story for the last five years. Come on, show us your cash! Let’s see what you have!"—"Sir," I replied, "I don’t have a penny to my name, and I’m more than half-starved besides."—"Not a penny!" my attacker responded, "What, are you as broke as a thief? But if you don’t have money, you have clothes, and those you must give up."
"My clothes!" rejoined I with indignation, "you cannot desire such a thing. Is it not enough that I am pennyless? I have been all night upon the open heath. It is now the second day that I have not eaten a morsel of bread. Would you strip me naked to the weather in the midst of this depopulated forest? No, no, you are men! The same hatred of oppression, that arms you against the insolence of wealth, will teach you to relieve those who are perishing like me. For God's sake, give me food! do not strip me of the comforts I still possess!"
"My clothes!" I replied angrily. "You can't possibly want that. Is it not enough that I'm broke? I've spent the whole night outside. It's now the second day I've gone without eating anything. Would you really leave me exposed to the elements in this empty forest? No, no, you are men! The same hatred of oppression that drives you to stand up against the arrogance of the rich should inspire you to help those who are suffering like me. For God's sake, give me food! Don’t take away the little comforts I still have!"
While I uttered this apostrophe, the unpremeditated eloquence of sentiment, I could perceive by their gestures, though the day had not yet begun to dawn, that the feelings of one or two of the company appeared to take my part. The man, who had already undertaken to be their spokesman, perceived the same thing; and, excited either by the brutality of his temper or the love of command, hastened to anticipate the disgrace of a defeat. He brushed suddenly up to me, and by main force pushed me several feet from the place where I stood. The shock I received drove me upon a second of the gang, not one of those who had listened to my expostulation; and he repeated the brutality. My indignation was strongly excited by this treatment; and, after being thrust backward and forward two or three times in this manner, I broke through my assailants, and turned round to defend myself. The first that advanced within my reach, was my original enemy. In the present moment I listened to nothing but the dictates of passion, and I laid him at his length on the earth. I was immediately assailed with sticks and bludgeons on all sides, and presently received a blow that almost deprived me of my senses. The man I had knocked down was now upon his feet again, and aimed a stroke at me with a cutlass as I fell, which took place in a deep wound upon my neck and shoulder. He was going to repeat his blow. The two who had seemed to waver at first in their animosity, afterwards appeared to me to join in the attack, urged either by animal sympathy or the spirit of imitation. One of them however, as I afterwards, understood seized the arm of the man who was going to strike me a second time with his cutlass, and who would otherwise probably have put an end to my existence. I could hear the words, "Damn it, enough, enough! that is too bad, Gines!"—"How so?" replied a second voice; "he will but pine here upon the forest, and die by inches: it will be an act of charity to put him out of his pain."—It will be imagined that I was not uninterested in this sort of debate. I made an effort to speak; my voice failed me. I stretched out one hand with a gesture of entreaty. "You shall not strike, by God!" said one of the voices; "why should we be murderers?"—The side of forbearance at length prevailed. They therefore contented themselves with stripping me of my coat and waistcoat, and rolling me into a dry ditch. They then left me totally regardless of my distressed condition, and the plentiful effusion of blood, which streamed from my wound.
While I was expressing this outburst of emotion, I noticed from their gestures, even though it was still dark, that one or two people in the group seemed to support me. The guy who had taken it upon himself to be their spokesperson noticed this too, and perhaps fueled by his aggressive nature or his desire for control, rushed to avoid the shame of losing. He suddenly pushed me several feet away from where I stood. The impact forced me into another member of the group, who hadn’t listened to my protests, and he reacted violently. This treatment sparked my anger, and after being shoved back and forth a couple of times, I broke free from my attackers and turned to defend myself. The first person who came within my reach was my original adversary. In that moment, I followed only my intense feelings and knocked him down to the ground. Immediately, I was attacked by sticks and clubs from all sides, and I received a blow that nearly knocked me out. The guy I had knocked down was back on his feet and swung a cutlass at me as I fell, inflicting a deep wound on my neck and shoulder. He was about to strike again. The two who had initially shown hesitation then seemed to join in the attack, motivated either by group instinct or the urge to fit in. However, one of them, as I later learned, grabbed the arm of the man preparing to hit me again with the cutlass, who might otherwise have ended my life. I heard someone shout, "Damn it, enough, enough! That’s too much, Gines!"—"How so?" replied another voice; "he'll just suffer here in the woods and die slowly: it’d be a kindness to end his pain."—It goes without saying that I was deeply invested in this argument. I tried to speak, but my voice betrayed me. I reached out one hand in a gesture of pleading. "You can’t strike him, by God!" one of the voices said; "why should we become murderers?"—Eventually, the urge to show restraint won out. So, they decided to content themselves with taking my coat and waistcoat, and rolling me into a dry ditch. Then they left me, completely indifferent to my suffering and the significant blood flowing from my wound.
CHAPTER II.
In this woeful situation, though extremely weak, I was not deprived of sense. I tore my shirt from my naked body, and endeavoured, with some success, to make of it a bandage to staunch the flowing of the blood. I then exerted myself to crawl up the side of the ditch. I had scarcely effected the latter, when, with equal surprise and joy, I perceived a man advancing at no great distance. I called for help as well as I could. The man came towards me with evident signs of compassion, and the appearance I exhibited was indeed sufficiently calculated to excite it. I had no hat. My hair was dishevelled, and the ends of the locks clotted with blood. My shirt was wrapped about my neck and shoulders, and was plentifully stained with red. My body, which was naked to my middle, was variegated with streams of blood; nor had my lower garments, which were white, by any means escaped.
In this terrible situation, even though I was extremely weak, I wasn’t out of my senses. I ripped my shirt off my bare body and managed, with some success, to use it as a bandage to stop the bleeding. Then I tried to crawl up the side of the ditch. I had barely managed to do that when, to my surprise and joy, I saw a man coming towards me not far away. I called for help as best as I could. The man approached me with clear signs of compassion, and my appearance was definitely enough to evoke it. I had no hat, my hair was messy, and the ends were matted with blood. My shirt was wrapped around my neck and shoulders, and was heavily stained with red. My body, which was bare from the waist up, was covered in streams of blood; my lower garments, which were white, had definitely not escaped unscathed.
"For God's sake, my good fellow!" said he, with a tone of the greatest imaginable kindness, "how came you thus?" and, saying this, he lifted me up, and set me on my feet. "Can you stand?" added he, doubtfully. "Oh, yes, very well," I replied. Having received this answer, he quitted me, and began to take off his own coat, that he might cover me from the cold. I had however over-rated my strength, and was no sooner left to myself than I reeled, and fell almost at my length upon the ground. But I broke my fall by stretching out my sound arm, and again raised myself upon my knees. My benefactor now covered me, raised me, and, bidding me lean upon him, told me he would presently conduct me to a place where I should be taken care of. Courage is a capricious property; and, though while I had no one to depend upon but myself, I possessed a mine of seemingly inexhaustible fortitude, yet no sooner did I find this unexpected sympathy on the part of another, than my resolution appeared to give way, and I felt ready to faint. My charitable conductor perceived this, and every now and then encouraged me, in a manner so cheerful, so good humoured and benevolent, equally free from the torture of droning expostulation, and the weakness of indulgence, that I thought myself under the conduct of an angel rather than a man. I could perceive that his behaviour had in it nothing of boorishness, and that he was thoroughly imbued with the principles of affectionate civility.
"For goodness' sake, my good man!" he said, with the kindest tone imaginable, "what happened to you?" As he said this, he lifted me up and set me on my feet. "Can you stand?" he asked, uncertainly. "Oh, yes, I'm fine," I replied. After hearing this, he left me for a moment to start taking off his own coat so he could cover me from the cold. However, I had overestimated my strength, and as soon as he left me, I swayed and fell almost completely to the ground. I managed to break my fall by stretching out my good arm and got back up to my knees. My kind rescuer then covered me, helped me up, and told me to lean on him, saying he would take me to a place where I would be looked after. Courage can be unpredictable; even though I seemed to have endless strength when I relied only on myself, as soon as I felt this unexpected kindness from another person, my resolve began to weaken, and I felt faint. My generous guide noticed this and encouraged me now and then in a way that was cheerful, good-humored, and genuinely kind, completely free from tedious lecturing or excessive indulgence, making me feel like I was being led by an angel rather than a man. I could tell that his behavior wasn’t at all rough and that he truly embodied the principles of warm civility.
We walked about three quarters of a mile, and that not towards the open, but the most uncouth and unfrequented part of the forest. We crossed a place which had once been a moat, but which was now in some parts dry, and in others contained a little muddy and stagnated water. Within the enclosure of this moat, I could only discover a pile of ruins, and several walls, the upper part of which seemed to overhang their foundations, and to totter to their ruin. After having entered however with my conductor through an archway, and passed along a winding passage that was perfectly dark, we came to a stand.
We walked about three-quarters of a mile, not toward the open area but into the most rugged and isolated part of the forest. We crossed what had once been a moat, which was now partially dry in some places and had small patches of muddy, stagnant water in others. Inside this moat, all I could see were a pile of ruins and a few walls that appeared to be leaning precariously over their foundations, ready to collapse. After entering through an archway with my guide and making our way down a completely dark, winding passage, we came to a stop.
At the upper end of this passage was a door, which I was unable to perceive. My conductor knocked at the door, and was answered by a voice from within, which, for body and force, might have been the voice of a man, but with a sort of female sharpness and acidity, enquiring, "Who is there?" Satisfaction was no sooner given on this point, than I heard two bolts pushed back, and the door unlocked. The apartment opened, and we entered. The interior of this habitation by no means corresponded with the appearance of my protector, but, on the contrary, wore the face of discomfort, carelessness, and dirt. The only person I saw within was a woman, rather advanced in life, and whose person had I know not what of extraordinary and loathsome. Her eyes were red and blood-shot; her hair was pendent in matted and shaggy tresses about her shoulders; her complexion swarthy, and of the consistency of parchment; her form spare, and her whole body, her arms in particular, uncommonly vigorous and muscular. Not the milk of human kindness, but the feverous blood of savage ferocity, seemed to flow from her heart; and her whole figure suggested an idea of unmitigable energy, and an appetite gorged in malevolence. This infernal Thalestris had no sooner cast her eyes upon us as we entered, than she exclaimed in a discordant and discontented voice, "What have we got here? this is not one of our people!" My conductor, without answering this apostrophe, bade her push an easy chair which stood in one corner, and set it directly before the fire. This she did with apparent reluctance, murmuring, "Ah! you are at your old tricks; I wonder what such folks as we have to do with charity! It will be the ruin of us at last, I can see that!"—"Hold your tongue, beldam!" said he, with a stern significance of manner, "and fetch one of my best shirts, a waistcoat, and some dressings." Saying this, he at the same time put into her hand a small bunch of keys. In a word, he treated me with as much kindness as if he had been my father. He examined my wound, washed and dressed it; at the same time that the old woman, by his express order, prepared for me such nourishment as he thought most suitable to my weak and languid condition.
At the end of this passage was a door that I couldn't see. My guide knocked, and a voice from inside responded, sounding strong like a man's but with a sharp, acidic tone, asking, "Who’s there?" As soon as we clarified our identity, I heard two bolts being drawn back, and the door was unlocked. The room opened, and we stepped inside. The interior of this place was nothing like the appearance of my guide; instead, it was marked by discomfort, neglect, and dirt. The only person there was a woman, somewhat older, whose look was strangely repulsive. Her eyes were red and bloodshot; her hair hung in matted, messy strands around her shoulders; her skin was dark and parchment-like; her figure was thin, and her whole body, especially her arms, was unusually strong and muscular. Instead of kindness, it seemed that fierce, aggressive blood flowed in her veins; her whole presence radiated unyielding energy with a sense of wicked intent. The moment this dreadful woman saw us enter, she shouted in an irritating, disgruntled voice, "What do we have here? This isn’t one of our kind!" My guide, without responding to her comment, instructed her to move an armchair from the corner and place it right in front of the fire. She complied with visible reluctance, grumbling, "Ah! You’re back to your old ways; I wonder what we have to do with charity! This will be our downfall, I can tell!"—"Be quiet, old woman!" he said, firmly but meaningfully, "and get me one of my best shirts, a waistcoat, and some bandages." As he said this, he handed her a small bunch of keys. In short, he treated me with as much care as if I were his own child. He examined my injury, cleaned it, and bandaged it, while the old woman, following his explicit orders, prepared food that he deemed best for my weak and exhausted state.
These operations were no sooner completed than my benefactor recommended to me to retire to rest, and preparations were making for that purpose, when suddenly a trampling of feet was heard, succeeded by a knock at the door. The old woman opened the door with the same precautions as had been employed upon our arrival, and immediately six or seven persons tumultuously entered the apartment. Their appearance was different, some having the air of mere rustics, and others that of a tarnished sort of gentry. All had a feature of boldness, inquietude, and disorder, extremely unlike any thing I had before observed in such a group. But my astonishment was still increased, when upon a second glance I perceived something in the general air of several of them, and of one in particular, that persuaded me they were the gang from which I had just escaped, and this one the antagonist by whose animosity I was so near having been finally destroyed. I imagined they had entered the hovel with a hostile intention, that my benefactor was upon the point of being robbed, and I probably murdered.
As soon as these operations were finished, my benefactor suggested I get some rest, and preparations were being made for that when suddenly we heard a bunch of footsteps followed by a knock at the door. The old woman opened the door with as much caution as she had when we arrived, and immediately six or seven people burst into the room. They looked different; some appeared to be simple country folks, while others looked like faded gentlemen. All of them had an expression of boldness, agitation, and chaos that was really unlike anything I had seen in a group before. My surprise grew even more when I took a second look and noticed something in the overall demeanor of several of them, especially one in particular, that made me think they were the gang I had just escaped from, and that this one was the enemy whose hostility had almost led to my end. I feared they had come into the hovel with hostile intentions, that my benefactor was about to be robbed, and that I might be murdered.
This suspicion however was soon removed. They addressed my conductor with respect, under the appellation of captain. They were boisterous and noisy in their remarks and exclamations, but their turbulence was tempered by a certain deference to his opinion and authority. I could observe in the person who had been my active opponent some awkwardness and irresolution as he first perceived me, which he dismissed with a sort of effort, exclaiming, "Who the devil is here?" There was something in the tone of this apostrophe that roused the attention of my protector. He looked at the speaker with a fixed and penetrating glance, and then said, "Nay, Gines, do you know? Did you ever see the person before?"—"Curse it, Gines!" interrupted a third, "you are damnably out of luck. They say dead men walk, and you see there is some truth in it."—"Truce with your impertinence, Jeckols!" replied my protector: "this is no proper occasion for a joke. Answer me, Gines, were you the cause of this young man being left naked and wounded this bitter morning upon the forest?"
This suspicion, however, was soon cleared up. They addressed my guide with respect, calling him captain. They were loud and rowdy in their comments and exclamations, but their wildness was softened by a certain respect for his opinion and authority. I noticed the person who had been my active opponent seemed awkward and uncertain when he first saw me, which he quickly brushed off with an effort, exclaiming, "Who the hell is here?" There was something in the tone of that remark that caught my protector’s attention. He looked at the speaker with a fixed and intense gaze, and then said, "Come on, Gines, do you recognize him? Have you ever seen this person before?"—"Damn it, Gines!" interrupted a third person, "you've really got bad luck. They say dead men walk, and it seems there's some truth to that."—"Enough with your nonsense, Jeckols!" replied my protector. "This isn't the time for jokes. Answer me, Gines, were you responsible for leaving this young man naked and injured on this cold morning in the woods?"
"Mayhap I was. What then?"
"Maybe I was. What then?"
"What provocation could induce you to so cruel a treatment?"
"What could possibly make you treat someone so cruelly?"
"Provocation enough. He had no money."
"That was enough to provoke him. He was broke."
"What, did you use him thus, without so much as being irritated by any resistance on his part?"
"What, did you really use him like that, without even feeling a bit irritated by any pushback from him?"
"Yes, he did resist. I only hustled him, and he had the impudence to strike me."
"Yeah, he fought back. I just pushed him a bit, and he had the nerve to hit me."
"Gines! you are an incorrigible fellow."
"Gines! You're so impossible."
"Pooh, what signifies what I am? You, with your compassion, and your fine feelings, will bring us all to the gallows."
"Pooh, what does it matter who I am? You, with your kindness and your strong emotions, will lead us all to our doom."
"I have nothing to say to you; I have no hopes of you! Comrades, it is for you to decide upon the conduct of this man as you think proper. You know how repeated his offences have been; you know what pains I have taken to mend him. Our profession is the profession of justice." [It is thus that the prejudices of men universally teach them to colour the most desperate cause to which they have determined to adhere.] "We, who are thieves without a licence, are at open war with another set of men who are thieves according to law. With such a cause then to bear us out, shall we stain it with cruelty, malice, and revenge? A thief is, of course, a man living among his equals; I do not pretend therefore to assume any authority among you; act as you think proper; but, so far as relates to myself, I vote that Gines be expelled from among us as a disgrace to our society."
"I have nothing to say to you; I have no expectations of you! Friends, it’s up to you to decide how to deal with this man as you see fit. You know how often he has messed up; you know how much effort I’ve put into trying to help him. Our profession is all about justice." [This is how people’s biases lead them to justify even the most desperate causes they choose to support.] "We, who are thieves without a license, are in open conflict with another group of thieves who operate legally. With such a cause to back us, should we tarnish it with cruelty, malice, and revenge? A thief is, after all, a person among equals; I don’t claim any authority over you; do what you think is right. But, as for me, I vote that Gines be kicked out of our group as a disgrace to our community."
This proposition seemed to meet the general sense. It was easy to perceive that the opinion of the rest coincided with that of their leader; notwithstanding which a few of them hesitated as to the conduct to be pursued. In the mean time Gines muttered something in a surly and irresolute way, about taking care how they provoked him. This insinuation instantly roused the courage of my protector, and his eyes flashed with contempt.
This suggestion seemed to resonate with everyone. It was clear that most people's views aligned with their leader's; however, a few were uncertain about what to do next. Meanwhile, Gines grumbled in a grumpy, undecided manner about making sure they didn't rile him up. This remark quickly boosted my protector's confidence, and his eyes sparked with disdain.
"Rascal!" said he, "do you menace us? Do you think we will be your slaves? No, no, do your worst! Go to the next justice of the peace, and impeach us; I can easily believe you are capable of it. Sir, when we entered into this gang, we were not such fools as not to know that we entered upon a service of danger. One of its dangers consists in the treachery of fellows like you. But we did not enter at first to flinch now. Did you believe that we would live in hourly fear of you, tremble at your threats, and compromise, whenever you should so please, with your insolence? That would be a blessed life indeed! I would rather see my flesh torn piecemeal from my bones! Go, sir! I defy you! You dare not do it! You dare not sacrifice these gallant fellows to your rage, and publish yourself to all the world a traitor and a scoundrel! If you do, you will punish yourself, not us! Begone!"
"Rascal!" he said, "are you threatening us? Do you really think we’ll become your slaves? No way, go ahead and do your worst! Go to the nearest justice of the peace and accuse us; I can easily believe you'd do it. Look, when we joined this gang, we weren’t so naive as to think we were signing up for an easy ride. One of the risks comes from the betrayal of people like you. But we didn’t join just to back down now. Did you think we’d live in constant fear of you, quaking at your threats, and giving in to your arrogance whenever you felt like it? That would be a miserable existence! I’d rather see my flesh ripped from my bones! Go on, I defy you! You wouldn't dare! You wouldn't sacrifice these brave men out of your anger and make yourself known to the world as a traitor and a coward! If you did, you’d only be punishing yourself, not us! Get lost!"
The intrepidity of the leader communicated itself to the rest of the company. Gines easily saw that there was no hope of bringing them over to a contrary sentiment. After a short pause, he answered, "I did not mean—No, damn it! I will not snivel neither. I was always true to my principles, and a friend to you all. But since you are resolved to turn me out, why—good bye to you!"
The leader's bravery inspired the rest of the group. Gines quickly realized there was no chance of changing their minds. After a brief pause, he replied, "I didn’t mean—No, forget it! I won’t whine either. I’ve always stood by my principles and been a friend to all of you. But since you’re determined to kick me out, well—goodbye!"
The expulsion of this man produced a remarkable improvement in the whole gang. Those who were before inclined to humanity, assumed new energy in proportion as they saw such sentiments likely to prevail. They had before suffered themselves to be overborne by the boisterous insolence of their antagonist; but now they adopted, and with success, a different conduct. Those who envied the ascendancy of their comrade, and therefore imitated his conduct, began to hesitate in their career. Stories were brought forward of the cruelty and brutality of Gines both to men and animals, which had never before reached the ear of the leader. The stories I shall not repeat. They could excite only emotions of abhorrence and disgust; and some of them argued a mind of such a stretch of depravity, as to many readers would appear utterly incredible; and yet this man had his virtues. He was enterprising, persevering, and faithful.
The removal of this man led to a significant improvement in the entire group. Those who were previously prone to kindness gained new energy as they saw that such feelings could take hold. They had previously allowed themselves to be overwhelmed by the loud arrogance of their opponent, but now they successfully adopted a different approach. Those who had envied their comrade's power and tried to mimic his behavior began to rethink their actions. Stories surfaced about Gines' cruelty and brutality towards both people and animals, which had never before reached the leader's ears. I won't repeat those stories. They only stirred feelings of revulsion and disgust, and some indicated a level of depravity that would seem unbelievable to many readers; yet, this man had his good qualities. He was ambitious, determined, and loyal.
His removal was a considerable benefit to me. It would have been no small hardship to have been turned adrift immediately under my unfavourable circumstances, with the additional disadvantage of the wound I had received; and yet I could scarcely have ventured to remain under the same roof with a man, to whom my appearance was as a guilty conscience, perpetually reminding him of his own offence, and the displeasure of his leader. His profession accustomed him to a certain degree of indifference to consequences, and indulgence to the sallies of passion; and he might easily have found his opportunity to insult or injure me, when I should have had nothing but my own debilitated exertions to protect me.
His removal was a big relief for me. It would have been tough to be left on my own under such bad circumstances, especially with the added disadvantage of my injury. Still, I could hardly have stayed under the same roof as a man who saw me as a walking reminder of his guilt and the anger of his leader. His job made him a bit indifferent to the consequences and prone to outbursts of anger, and he could have easily found a chance to insult or hurt me when all I would have had to defend myself was my weakened state.
Freed from this danger, I found my situation sufficiently fortunate for a man under my circumstances. It was attended with all the advantages for concealment my fondest imagination could have hoped; and it was by no means destitute of the benefits which arise from kindness and humanity. Nothing could be more unlike than the thieves I had seen in ---- jail, and the thieves of my new residence. The latter were generally full of cheerfulness and merriment. They could expatiate freely wherever they thought proper. They could form plans and execute them. They consulted their inclinations. They did not impose upon themselves the task, as is too often the case in human society, of seeming tacitly to approve that from which they suffered most; or, which is worst, of persuading themselves that all the wrongs they suffered were right; but were at open war with their oppressors. On the contrary, the imprisoned felons I had lately seen were shut up like wild beasts in a cage, deprived of activity, and palsied with indolence. The occasional demonstrations that still remained of their former enterprising life were the starts and convulsions of disease, not the meditated and consistent exertions of a mind in health. They had no more of hope, of project, of golden and animated dreams, but were reserved to the most dismal prospects, and forbidden to think upon any other topic. It is true, that these two scenes were parts of one whole, the one the consummation, the hourly to be expected successor of the other. But the men I now saw were wholly inattentive to this, and in that respect appeared to hold no commerce with reflection or reason.
Freed from this danger, I found my situation pretty lucky for someone in my position. It came with all the advantages for hiding that I could have imagined, and it wasn't lacking in the benefits that come from kindness and humanity. The thieves I had seen in ---- jail were nothing like the thieves in my new place. The latter were generally full of cheer and fun. They could talk freely wherever they wanted. They could make plans and carry them out. They followed their own desires. They didn't force themselves to pretend, as often happens in society, that they approved of what caused them the most pain; or, worse, convince themselves that all the wrongs they faced were justified; instead, they were openly fighting against their oppressors. In contrast, the imprisoned criminals I had recently seen were locked up like wild animals in a cage, stripped of activity and paralyzed by laziness. The rare signs that still showed their former adventurous lives were the jerks and spasms of illness, not the deliberate and steady efforts of a healthy mind. They had no hope, no plans, no bright and lively dreams, but were resigned to the most grim prospects and forbidden to think about anything else. It's true that these two scenes were parts of a larger whole, one being the end and the other the expected next step. But the men I was now seeing seemed completely unaware of this and, in that sense, appeared to have no connection to reflection or reason.
I might in one view, as I have said, congratulate myself upon my present residence; it answered completely the purposes of concealment. It was the seat of merriment and hilarity; but the hilarity that characterised it produced no correspondent feelings in my bosom. The persons who composed this society had each of them cast off all control from established principle; their trade was terror, and their constant object to elude the vigilance of the community. The influence of these circumstances was visible in their character. I found among them benevolence and kindness: they were strongly susceptible of emotions of generosity. But, as their situation was precarious, their dispositions were proportionably fluctuating. Inured to the animosity of their species, they were irritable and passionate. Accustomed to exercise harshness towards the subject of their depredations, they did not always confine their brutality within that scope. They were habituated to consider wounds and bludgeons and stabbing as the obvious mode of surmounting every difficulty. Uninvolved in the debilitating routine of human affairs, they frequently displayed an energy which, from every impartial observer, would have extorted veneration. Energy is perhaps of all qualities the most valuable; and a just political system would possess the means of extracting from it, thus circumstanced, its beneficial qualities, instead of consigning it, as now, to indiscriminate destruction. We act like the chemist, who should reject the finest ore, and employ none but what was sufficiently debased to fit it immediately for the vilest uses. But the energy of these men, such as I beheld it, was in the highest degree misapplied, unassisted by liberal and enlightened views, and directed only to the most narrow and contemptible purposes.
I might, in one way, as I mentioned, pat myself on the back for my current place of living; it completely served its purpose of hiding away. It was a hub of fun and laughter; however, the joy that filled the place didn’t resonate with me at all. The people in this group had completely cast aside any control from established norms; their business was instilling fear, and their constant aim was to evade the watchful eye of the community. The impact of these circumstances was apparent in their character. Among them, I found kindness and compassion: they were highly sensitive to feelings of generosity. But since their situation was unstable, their moods were equally unpredictable. Used to facing hostility from others, they were easily annoyed and passionate. Accustomed to being harsh towards those they victimized, they didn't always limit their violence to that target. They were used to thinking that wounds, bludgeons, and stabbings were the go-to solutions for overcoming any obstacle. Unburdened by the tiring routines of everyday life, they often showed a kind of energy that would earn respect from any impartial observer. Energy is perhaps the most valuable quality of all; a fair political system would find a way to harness its positive aspects rather than, as happens now, throwing it into pointless destruction. We act like a chemist who rejects the best ore and only uses the stuff that’s too degraded for anything valuable. But the energy these men displayed, as I saw it, was severely misused, unsupported by open and enlightened ideas, and directed solely towards the most limited and contemptible goals.
The residence I have been describing might to many persons have appeared attended with intolerable inconveniences. But, exclusively of its advantages as a field for speculation, it was Elysium, compared with that from which I had just escaped. Displeasing company, incommodious apartments, filthiness, and riot, lost the circumstance by which they could most effectually disgust, when I was not compelled to remain with them. All hardships I could patiently endure, in comparison with the menace of a violent and untimely death. There was no suffering that I could not persuade myself to consider as trivial, except that which flowed from the tyranny, the frigid precaution, or the inhuman revenge of my own species.
The place I’ve been talking about might seem unbearable to a lot of people. But aside from its potential for interesting ideas, it felt like paradise compared to where I had just come from. Annoying company, uncomfortable rooms, dirtiness, and chaos lost their ability to truly disgust me once I wasn’t forced to stay with them. I could endure any hardship patiently, especially compared to the threat of a brutal and premature death. There was no pain I couldn’t convince myself was minor, except for that which came from the cruelty, cold caution, or inhuman revenge of my own kind.
My recovery advanced in the most favourable manner. The attention and kindness of my protector were incessant, and the rest caught the spirit from his example. The old woman who superintended the household still retained her animosity. She considered me as the cause of the expulsion of Gines from the fraternity. Gines had been the object of her particular partiality; and, zealous as she was for the public concern, she thought an old and experienced sinner for a raw probationer but an ill exchange. Add to which, that her habits inclined her to moroseness and discontent, and that persons of her complexion seem unable to exist without some object upon which to pour out the superfluity of their gall. She lost no opportunity, upon the most trifling occasion, of displaying her animosity; and ever and anon eyed me with a furious glance of canine hunger for my destruction. Nothing was more evidently mortifying to her, than the procrastination of her malice; nor could she bear to think that a fierceness so gigantic and uncontrollable should show itself in nothing more terrific than the pigmy spite of a chambermaid. For myself, I had been accustomed to the warfare of formidable adversaries, and the encounter of alarming dangers; and what I saw of her spleen had not power sufficient to disturb my tranquillity.
My recovery was going really well. The constant support and kindness from my protector were inspiring, and everyone else picked up on that attitude. The old woman in charge of the household still held a grudge. She blamed me for Gines being kicked out of the group. Gines had been her favorite, and even though she was all about the greater good, she thought an old and experienced troublemaker was a poor trade for a newcomer. Plus, her personality leaned towards being grumpy and dissatisfied, and people like her often need someone to vent their frustrations on. She took every chance, no matter how small, to show her bitterness and would often look at me with a fierce, hungry glare, like she wanted me gone. It frustrated her to no end that her attempts at revenge were taking so long; she couldn't stand the thought that her huge, uncontrollable anger was only being expressed through the petty behavior of a maid. As for me, I was used to battling serious foes and facing real dangers, so her spite didn't faze me at all.
As I recovered, I told my story, except so far as related to the detection of Mr. Falkland's eventful secret, to my protector. That particular I could not, as yet, prevail upon myself to disclose, even in a situation like this, which seemed to preclude the possibility of its being made use of to the disadvantage of my persecutor. My present auditor however, whose habits of thinking were extremely opposite to those of Mr. Forester, did not, from the obscurity which flowed from this reserve, deduce any unfavourable conclusion. His penetration was such, as to afford little room for an impostor to hope to mislead him by a fictitious statement, and he confided in that penetration. So confiding, the simplicity and integrity of my manner carried conviction to his mind, and insured his good opinion and friendship.
As I was recovering, I shared my story, except for the part about discovering Mr. Falkland's significant secret, with my protector. I just couldn't bring myself to reveal that information yet, even in a situation like this, which seemed safe from any use against my persecutor. However, my current listener, whose way of thinking was very different from Mr. Forester's, didn’t draw any negative conclusions from my silence. His insight was sharp enough that an impostor would have little chance of deceiving him with a made-up story, and he trusted that insight. With that trust, the honesty and straightforwardness of my demeanor convinced him and secured his good opinion and friendship.
He listened to my story with eagerness, and commented on the several parts as I related them. He said, that this was only one fresh instance of the tyranny and perfidiousness exercised by the powerful members of the community, against those who were less privileged than themselves. Nothing could be more clear, than their readiness to sacrifice the human species at large to their meanest interest, or wildest caprice. Who that saw the situation in its true light would wait till their oppressors thought fit to decree their destruction, and not take arms in their defence while it was yet in their power? Which was most meritorious, the unresisting and dastardly submission of a slave, or the enterprise and gallantry of the man who dared to assert his claims? Since, by the partial administration of our laws, innocence, when power was armed against it, had nothing better to hope for than guilt, what man of true courage would fail to set these laws at defiance, and, if he must suffer by their injustice, at least take care that he had first shown his contempt of their yoke? For himself, he should certainly never have embraced his present calling, had he not been stimulated to it by these cogent and irresistible reasons; and he hoped, as experience had so forcibly brought a conviction of this sort to my mind, that he should for the future have the happiness to associate me to his pursuits.—It will presently be seen with what event these hopes were attended.
He listened to my story with enthusiasm and commented on various parts as I shared them. He said that this was just one more example of the tyranny and deceit practiced by the powerful members of the community against those who were less privileged. Nothing was clearer than their willingness to sacrifice humanity as a whole for their petty interests or reckless whims. Who, seeing the situation for what it truly was, would wait for their oppressors to decide to destroy them instead of taking up arms in their defense while they still could? Which is more commendable: the helpless and cowardly submission of a slave, or the courage and bravery of someone who dared to assert their rights? Given that, due to the biased application of our laws, innocence had no better hope against an armed power than guilt, what man of true courage would not defy these laws, and if he had to suffer from their injustice, at least make sure he showed his contempt for their oppression first? As for himself, he would never have taken on his current role if he hadn’t been driven by these compelling and undeniable reasons; and he hoped, since experience had so strongly convinced me of this, that he would have the pleasure of involving me in his pursuits in the future. —It will soon be revealed what came of these hopes.
Numerous were the precautions exercised by the gang of thieves with whom I now resided, to elude the vigilance of the satellites of justice. It was one of their rules to commit no depredations but at a considerable distance from the place of their residence; and Gines had transgressed this regulation in the attack to which I was indebted for my present asylum. After having possessed themselves of any booty, they took care, in the sight of the persons whom they had robbed, to pursue a route as nearly as possible opposite to that which led to their true haunts. The appearance of their place of residence, together with its environs, was peculiarly desolate and forlorn, and it had the reputation of being haunted. The old woman I have described had long been its inhabitant, and was commonly supposed to be its only inhabitant; and her person well accorded with the rural ideas of a witch. Her lodgers never went out or came in but with the utmost circumspection, and generally by night. The lights which were occasionally seen from various parts of her habitation, were, by the country people, regarded with horror as supernatural; and if the noise of revelry at any time saluted their ears, it was imagined to proceed from a carnival of devils. With all these advantages, the thieves did not venture to reside here but by intervals: they frequently absented themselves for months, and removed to a different part of the country. The old woman sometimes attended them in these transportations, and sometimes remained; but in all cases her decampment took place either sooner or later than theirs, so that the nicest observer could scarcely have traced any connection between her reappearance, and the alarms of depredation that were frequently given; and the festival of demons seemed, to the terrified rustics, indifferently to take place whether she were present or absent.
The gang of thieves I was living with took a lot of precautions to avoid getting caught by the law. One of their rules was to only steal far away from where they lived, but Gines broke this rule during the robbery that led to my current hiding place. After they stole something, they made sure to head in the opposite direction from their home, right in front of the people they had robbed. Their living place and the surrounding area looked particularly bleak and abandoned, and it was rumored to be haunted. The old woman I mentioned earlier had lived there for a long time and was thought to be the only person living there; she fit the local stereotypes of a witch. She and her guests were extremely cautious about coming and going, usually only at night. The lights occasionally seen coming from her home were thought to be supernatural by the local people, and if they heard any noise from partying, they assumed it was a gathering of demons. Despite these advantages, the thieves didn’t stay there for long; they often left for months at a time and moved to different parts of the country. The old woman sometimes traveled with them and sometimes stayed behind, but her departures always happened at different times than theirs. Because of this, no one could clearly connect her return with the thefts that frequently occurred, and it seemed to the frightened locals that the demons' festival happened whether she was there or not.
CHAPTER III.
One day, while I continued in this situation, a circumstance occurred which involuntarily attracted my attention. Two of our people had been sent to a town at some distance, for the purpose of procuring us the things of which we were in want. After having delivered these to our landlady, they retired to one corner of the room; and, one of them pulling a printed paper from his pocket, they mutually occupied themselves in examining its contents. I was sitting in an easy chair by the fire, being considerably better than I had been, though still in a weak and languid state. Having read for a considerable time, they looked at me, and then at the paper, and then at me again. They then went out of the room together, as if to consult without interruption upon something which that paper suggested to them. Some time after they returned; and my protector, who had been absent upon the former occasion, entered the room at the same instant.
One day, while I was still in this situation, something happened that caught my attention. Two of our people had been sent to a town some distance away to get us the things we needed. After handing them to our landlady, they moved to a corner of the room; one of them pulled out a printed paper from his pocket, and they both started looking over it. I was sitting in a comfy chair by the fire, feeling much better than I had been, but still weak and a bit tired. After reading for a while, they glanced at me, then at the paper, and back at me again. Then they went out of the room together, as if they wanted to talk about something without being interrupted. After a while, they came back, and my protector, who had been away during the previous incident, walked into the room at the same time.
"Captain!" said one of them with an air of pleasure, "look here! we have found a prize! I believe it is as good as a bank-note of a hundred guineas."
"Captain!" one of them exclaimed with a sense of excitement, "look at this! We’ve found a treasure! I think it’s worth as much as a hundred-guinea banknote."
Mr. Raymond (that was his name) took the paper, and read. He paused for a moment. He then crushed the paper in his hand; and, turning to the person from whom he had received it, said, with the tone of a man confident in the success of his reasons,—
Mr. Raymond (that was his name) took the paper and read it. He paused for a moment, then crushed the paper in his hand and turned to the person who had given it to him, saying, with the tone of someone confident in the strength of his arguments,—
"What use have you for these hundred guineas? Are you in want? Are you in distress? Can you be contented to purchase them at the price of treachery—of violating the laws of hospitality?"
"What do you need these hundred guineas for? Are you in need? Are you struggling? Can you really be okay with getting them by betraying someone—by breaking the rules of hospitality?"
"Faith, captain, I do not very well know. After having violated other laws, I do not see why we should be frightened at an old saw. We pretend to judge for ourselves, and ought to be above shrinking from a bugbear of a proverb. Beside, this is a good deed, and I should think no more harm of being the ruin of such a thief than of getting my dinner."
"Honestly, Captain, I’m not really sure. After breaking other rules, I don’t see why we should be scared of an old saying. We pretend to think for ourselves, and we should rise above being frightened by a common proverb. Besides, this is a good thing to do, and I wouldn’t think any worse of being the downfall of such a thief than of just getting my dinner."
"A thief! You talk of thieves!"
"A thief! You're talking about thieves!"
"Not so fast, captain. God defend that I should say a word against thieving as a general occupation! But one man steals in one way, and another in another. For my part, I go upon the highway, and take from any stranger I meet what, it is a hundred to one, he can very well spare. I see nothing to be found fault with in that. But I have as much conscience as another man. Because I laugh at assizes, and great wigs, and the gallows, and because I will not be frightened from an innocent action when the lawyers say me nay, does it follow that I am to have a fellow-feeling for pilferers, and rascally servants, and people that have neither justice nor principle? No; I have too much respect for the trade not to be a foe to interlopers, and people that so much the more deserve my hatred, because the world calls them by my name."
"Not so fast, captain. I absolutely won’t say a word against stealing as a general practice! But one person steals in one way, and another in a different way. As for me, I take to the highway and relieve any stranger I meet of what, chances are, they can easily spare. I see nothing wrong with that. But I have just as much conscience as anyone else. Just because I laugh at trials, big wigs, and the gallows, and because I won’t be frightened away from a harmless action when lawyers tell me not to, does that mean I should sympathize with petty thieves, shady servants, and people who have no sense of justice or principle? No; I respect my profession too much to be on the side of intruders, and they deserve my disdain all the more, simply because the world labels them with my name."
"You are wrong, Larkins! You certainly ought not to employ against people that you hate, supposing your hatred to be reasonable, the instrumentality of that law which in your practice you defy. Be consistent. Either be the friend of the law, or its adversary. Depend upon it that, wherever there are laws at all, there will be laws against such people as you and me. Either therefore we all of us deserve the vengeance of the law, or law is not the proper instrument for correcting the misdeeds of mankind. I tell you this, because I would fain have you aware, that an informer or a king's evidence, a man who takes advantage of the confidence of another in order to betray him, who sells the life of his neighbour for money, or, coward-like, upon any pretence calls in the law to do that for him which he cannot or dares not do for himself, is the vilest of rascals. But in the present case, if your reasons were the best in the world, they do not apply."
"You’re wrong, Larkins! You definitely shouldn’t use against people you hate, assuming your hatred is justified, the very law that you disrespect in your practice. Be consistent. Either support the law or oppose it. Trust that wherever there are laws, there will be laws against people like you and me. So, either we all deserve the law’s punishment, or the law isn’t the right tool for correcting humanity’s wrongs. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that an informer or a witness for the king, someone who exploits another’s trust to betray them, who sells their neighbor’s life for money, or who cowardly brings in the law to do what they can’t or won’t do for themselves, is the lowest of scoundrels. But in this case, even if your reasons were perfect, they don’t apply."
While Mr. Raymond was speaking, the rest of the gang came into the room. He immediately turned to them, and said,—
While Mr. Raymond was talking, the rest of the group walked into the room. He quickly turned to them and said,—
"My friends, here is a piece of intelligence that Larkins has just brought in which, with his leave, I will lay before you."
"My friends, I have some news that Larkins just brought in, and with his permission, I will share it with you."
Then unfolding the paper he had received, he continued: "This is the description of a felon, with the offer of a hundred guineas for his apprehension. Larking picked it up at ----. By the time and other circumstances, but particularly by the minute description of his person, there can be no doubt but the object of it is our young friend, whose life I was a while ago the instrument of saving. He is charged here with having taken advantage of the confidence of his patron and benefactor to rob him of property to a large amount. Upon this charge he was committed to the county jail, from whence he made his escape about a fortnight ago, without venturing to stand his trial; a circumstance which is stated by the advertiser as tantamount to a confession of his guilt.
Then, unfolding the paper he had received, he continued: "This is a description of a criminal, along with a reward of a hundred guineas for his capture. Larking found it at ----. Given the timing and other factors, but especially the detailed description, there's no doubt that the person being described is our young friend, whose life I recently helped save. He's accused of taking advantage of the trust of his patron and benefactor to steal a large amount of property. Because of this accusation, he was sent to the county jail, from which he escaped about two weeks ago, without facing his trial; the advertiser suggests that this escape is essentially an admission of his guilt."
"My friends, I was acquainted with the particulars of this story some time before. This lad let me into his history, at a time that he could not possibly foresee that he should stand in need of that precaution as an antidote against danger. He is not guilty of what is laid to his charge. Which of you is so ignorant as to suppose, that his escape is any confirmation of his guilt? Who ever thinks, when he is apprehended for trial, of his innocence or guilt as being at all material to the issue? Who ever was fool enough to volunteer a trial, where those who are to decide think more of the horror of the thing of which he is accused, than whether he were the person that did it; and where the nature of our motives is to be collected from a set of ignorant witnesses, that no wise man would trust for a fair representation of the most indifferent action of his life?
My friends, I learned about this story a while ago. This guy shared his background with me at a time when he had no idea he would need it as protection against danger. He’s not guilty of what he's accused of. Which of you is so clueless as to think that his escape proves his guilt? Who ever considers their innocence or guilt as being relevant to the outcome when they're arrested for trial? Who would be foolish enough to willingly go to trial when the judges care more about the horror of the accusation than whether he actually did it? And where the understanding of our motives relies on a bunch of clueless witnesses, who no wise person would trust to accurately represent even the most ordinary actions of their life?
"The poor lad's story is a long one, and I will not trouble you with it now. But from that story it is as clear as the day, that, because he wished to leave the service of his master, because he had been perhaps a little too inquisitive in his master's concerns, and because, as I suspect, he had been trusted with some important secrets, his master conceived an antipathy against him. The antipathy gradually proceeded to such a length, as to induce the master to forge this vile accusation. He seemed willing to hang the lad out of the way, rather than suffer him to go where he pleased, or get beyond the reach of his power. Williams has told me the story with such ingenuousness, that I am as sure that he is guiltless of what they lay to his charge, as that I am so myself. Nevertheless the man's servants who were called in to hear the accusation, and his relation, who as justice of the peace made out the mittimus, and who had the folly to think he could be impartial, gave it on his side with one voice, and thus afforded Williams a sample of what he had to expect in the sequel.
The poor guy's story is a long one, and I won't bother you with it right now. But from that story, it's as clear as day that he wanted to leave his master's service, he might have been a bit too curious about his master's business, and I suspect he was trusted with some important secrets, which led his master to develop a dislike for him. This dislike gradually grew to the point where the master felt compelled to create this terrible accusation. He seemed more willing to get rid of the guy than let him go wherever he wanted or escape his control. Williams has told me his story so honestly that I am just as convinced of his innocence regarding the charges against him as I am of my own. Nevertheless, the man's servants who were brought in to hear the accusation, along with his relative, who acted as a justice of the peace and had the foolishness to think he could be fair, all sided with him unanimously, giving Williams a taste of what he could expect in the future.
"Larkins, who when he received this paper had no previous knowledge of particulars, was for taking advantage of it for the purpose of earning the hundred guineas. Are you of that mind now you have heard them? Will you for so paltry a consideration deliver up the lamb into the jaws of the wolf? Will you abet the purposes of this sanguinary rascal, who, not contented with driving his late dependent from house and home, depriving him of character and all the ordinary means of subsistence, and leaving him almost without a refuge, still thirsts for his blood? If no other person have the courage to set limits to the tyranny of courts of justice, shall not we? Shall we, who earn our livelihood by generous daring, be indebted for a penny to the vile artifices of the informer? Shall we, against whom the whole species is in arms, refuse our protection to an individual, more exposed to, but still less deserving of, their persecution than ourselves?"
"Larkins, who had no prior knowledge of the details when he received this paper, was considering using it to earn the hundred guineas. Do you still feel the same way now that you’ve heard the details? Will you really hand over the lamb to the wolf for such a trivial sum? Will you support this bloodthirsty villain who, having already driven his former dependent from home, tarnished his reputation, stripped him of all means to live, and left him with almost no refuge, still craves his blood? If no one else has the guts to stand up against the tyranny of the courts, shouldn’t we? Should we, who make our living through boldness, allow ourselves to be indebted to the disgusting tricks of the informer? Should we, facing a united front against our kind, turn our backs on someone who is even more vulnerable, yet less deserving of their persecution than we are?"
The representation of the captain produced an instant effect upon the whole company. They all exclaimed, "Betray him! No, not for worlds! He is safe. We will protect him at the hazard of our lives. If fidelity and honour be banished from thieves, where shall they find refuge upon the face of the earth?"6 Larkins in particular thanked the captain for his interference, and swore that he would rather part with his right hand than injure so worthy a lad or assist such an unheard-of villainy. Saying this, he took me by the hand and bade me fear nothing. Under their roof no harm should ever befal me; and, even if the understrappers of the law should discover my retreat, they would to a man die in my defence, sooner than a hair of my head should be hurt. I thanked him most sincerely for his good-will; but I was principally struck with the fervent benevolence of my benefactor. I told them, I found that my enemies were inexorable, and would never be appeased but with my blood; and I assured them with the most solemn and earnest veracity, that I had done nothing to deserve the persecution which was exercised against me.
The captain's presence had an immediate impact on everyone in the room. They all shouted, "Betray him? No way! He is safe. We will protect him at all costs. If loyalty and honor are gone from thieves, where else can they exist in this world?"6 Larkins, in particular, thanked the captain for stepping in and declared that he would rather lose his right hand than harm such a good guy or support such an outrageous act. Saying this, he took my hand and told me not to worry. Under their roof, no harm would ever come to me; and if the law enforcement folks found out where I was hiding, they would all rather die defending me than let a hair on my head be harmed. I genuinely thanked him for his kindness, but I was especially moved by the deep kindness of my benefactor. I told them that my enemies were relentless and would never be satisfied unless I was harmed; and I assured them, with the most serious honesty, that I had done nothing to deserve the persecution against me.
The spirit and energy of Mr. Raymond had been such as to leave no part for me to perform in repelling this unlooked-for danger. Nevertheless, it left a very serious impression upon my mind. I had always placed some confidence in the returning equity of Mr. Falkland. Though he persecuted me with bitterness, I could not help believing that he did it unwillingly, and I was persuaded it would not be for ever. A man, whose original principles had been so full of rectitude and honour, could not fail at some time to recollect the injustice of his conduct, and to remit his asperity. This idea had been always present to me, and had in no small degree conspired to instigate my exertions. I said, "I will convince my persecutor that I am of more value than that I should be sacrificed purely by way of precaution." These expectations on my part had been encouraged by Mr. Falkland's behaviour upon the question of my imprisonment, and by various particulars which had occurred since.
The spirit and energy of Mr. Raymond had been such that I felt like there was nothing for me to do in facing this unexpected danger. Still, it made a serious impression on me. I had always had some confidence in Mr. Falkland's sense of fairness. Even though he treated me with harshness, I couldn’t shake the belief that he did it reluctantly, and that it wouldn’t last forever. A man whose original principles were filled with integrity and honor couldn’t possibly forget the injustice of his actions and wouldn’t always be so harsh. This idea had always been on my mind and had significantly motivated me. I thought, "I will show my tormentor that I am worth more than being sacrificed just as a precaution." My hopes were reinforced by Mr. Falkland's behavior regarding my imprisonment and by various other events that had taken place since then.
But this new incident gave the subject a totally different appearance. I saw him, not contented with blasting my reputation, confining me for a period in jail, and reducing me to the situation of a houseless vagabond, still continuing his pursuit under these forlorn circumstances with unmitigable cruelty. Indignation and resentment seemed now for the first time to penetrate my mind. I knew his misery so well, I was so fully acquainted with its cause, and strongly impressed with the idea of its being unmerited, that, while I suffered deeply, I still continued to pity, rather than hate my persecutor. But this incident introduced some change into my feelings. I said, "Surely he might now believe that he had sufficiently disarmed me, and might at length suffer me to be at peace. At least, ought he not to be contented to leave me to my fate, the perilous and uncertain condition of an escaped felon, instead of thus whetting the animosity and vigilance of my countrymen against me? Were his interference on my behalf in opposition to the stern severity of Mr. Forester, and his various acts of kindness since, a mere part that he played in order to lull me into patience? Was he perpetually haunted with the fear of an ample retaliation, and for that purpose did he personate remorse, at the very moment that he was secretly keeping every engine at play that could secure my destruction?" The very suspicion of such a fact filled me with inexpressible horror, and struck a sudden chill through every fibre of my frame.
But this new incident changed everything. I saw him, not satisfied with destroying my reputation, locking me up for a while, and turning me into a homeless wanderer, still pursuing me with relentless cruelty despite my desperate situation. For the first time, anger and resentment started to fill my mind. I understood his misery so well, was fully aware of its cause, and felt strongly that it was undeserved, so while I was suffering greatly, I still found myself feeling pity for my persecutor rather than hate. However, this incident changed my feelings a bit. I thought, "Surely he must now believe he has done enough to weaken me and could finally let me be at peace. Shouldn't he be satisfied to leave me to my fate, the dangerous and uncertain life of an escaped criminal, instead of stirring up the anger and vigilance of my fellow countrymen against me? Was his help on my behalf, which went against Mr. Forester’s harshness and his various acts of kindness, just a role he was playing to calm me down? Was he constantly worried about facing serious retaliation, and did he pretend to feel remorse while secretly working to ensure my destruction?" The very thought of such a thing filled me with indescribable horror and sent a sudden chill through every part of me.
My wound was by this time completely healed, and it became absolutely necessary that I should form some determination respecting the future. My habits of thinking were such as gave me an uncontrollable repugnance to the vocation of my hosts. I did not indeed feel that aversion and abhorrence to the men which are commonly entertained. I saw and respected their good qualities and their virtues. I was by no means inclined to believe them worse men, or more hostile in their dispositions to the welfare of their species, than the generality of those that look down upon them with most censure. But, though I did not cease to love them as individuals, my eyes were perfectly open to their mistakes. If I should otherwise have been in danger of being misled, it was my fortune to have studied felons in a jail before I studied them in their state of comparative prosperity; and this was an infallible antidote to the poison. I saw that in this profession were exerted uncommon energy, ingenuity, and fortitude, and I could not help recollecting how admirably beneficial such qualities might be made in the great theatre of human affairs; while, in their present direction, they were thrown away upon purposes diametrically at war with the first interests of human society. Nor were their proceedings less injurious to their own interest than incompatible with the general welfare. The man who risks or sacrifices his life for the public cause, is rewarded with the testimony of an approving conscience; but persons who wantonly defy the necessary, though atrociously exaggerated, precautions of government in the matter of property, at the same time that they commit an alarming hostility against the whole, are, as to their own concerns, scarcely less absurd and self-neglectful than the man who should set himself up as a mark for a file of musqueteers to shoot at.
My wound was completely healed by this point, and I absolutely needed to make some decisions about my future. My way of thinking made me feel a strong aversion to the work of my hosts. I didn’t have the same hatred or disgust for the men that most people do. I recognized and respected their good qualities and virtues. I didn’t believe they were worse or more hostile to the welfare of others than those who look down on them with criticism. However, even though I loved them as individuals, I was fully aware of their mistakes. If I had been at risk of being misled, I was fortunate enough to have studied criminals in a jail before seeing them in a better financial situation; this experience was a reliable antidote to the negative influences. I saw that this profession required a remarkable amount of energy, creativity, and courage, and I couldn’t help but think how incredibly beneficial those qualities could be in the broader context of human affairs. Instead, they were wasted on goals that directly opposed the fundamental interests of society. Their actions were not only detrimental to the public good but also to their own interests. A person who risks or sacrifices their life for a public cause is rewarded with a clear conscience. In contrast, those who reckless disregard necessary but often exaggerated government precautions regarding property, while simultaneously threatening society as a whole, are almost as foolish and neglectful of their own well-being as someone who deliberately makes themselves a target for a group of sharpshooters.
Viewing the subject in this light, I not only determined that I would have no share in their occupation myself, but thought I could not do less, in return for the benefits I had received from them, than endeavour to dissuade them from an employment in which they must themselves be the greatest sufferers. My expostulation met with a various reception. All the persons to whom it was addressed had been tolerably successful in persuading themselves of the innocence of their calling; and what remained of doubt in their mind was smothered, and, so to speak, laboriously forgotten. Some of them laughed at my arguments, as a ridiculous piece of missionary quixotism. Others, and particularly our captain, repelled them with the boldness of a man that knows he has got the strongest side. But this sentiment of ease and self-satisfaction did not long remain. They had been used to arguments derived from religion and the sacredness of law. They had long ago shaken these from them as so many prejudices. But my view of the subject appealed to principles which they could not contest, and had by no means the air of that customary reproof which is for ever dinned in our ears without finding one responsive chord in our hearts. Urged, as they now were, with objections unexpected and cogent, some of those to whom I addressed them began to grow peevish and impatient of the intrusive remonstrance. But this was by no means the case with Mr. Raymond. He was possessed of a candour that I have seldom seen equalled. He was surprised to hear objections so powerful to that which, as a matter of speculation, he believed he had examined on all sides. He revolved them with impartiality and care. He admitted them slowly, but he at length fully admitted them. He had now but one rejoinder in reserve.
Looking at the issue this way, I decided not only that I wouldn’t participate in their work, but also that I owed it to them, given the benefits I had received, to try to persuade them against a job where they would be the biggest victims. My attempts to reason with them received mixed responses. Everyone I spoke to had managed to convince themselves of the innocence of what they were doing, and whatever doubts lingered were buried and, so to speak, worked out of their minds. Some laughed at my arguments, dismissing them as foolish missionary idealism. Others, especially our captain, shot them down with the confidence of someone who knows they’re on the winning side. However, this sense of comfort and self-satisfaction didn’t last long. They were used to arguments based on religion and the inviolability of the law, which they had discarded long ago as mere biases. But my perspective connected to principles they couldn’t argue against, and it didn’t carry the usual tone of criticism that always seems to fall on deaf ears. As I pressed them with unexpected and compelling objections, some of those I spoke to became irritable and impatient with my unwelcome challenges. But that wasn’t the case with Mr. Raymond. He had a level of openness I rarely see. He was taken aback by how strong my objections were to something he thought he had thoroughly examined. He considered them thoughtfully and carefully. He took his time to accept them, but eventually, he fully acknowledged them. Now, he had only one response left.
"Alas! Williams," said he, "it would have been fortunate for me if these views had been presented to me, previously to my embracing my present profession. It is now too late. Those very laws which, by a perception of their iniquity, drove me to what I am, preclude my return. God, we are told, judges of men by what they are at the period of arraignment, and whatever be their crimes, if they have seen and abjured the folly of those crimes, receives them to favour. But the institutions of countries that profess to worship this God admit no such distinctions. They leave no room for amendment, and seem to have a brutal delight in confounding the demerits of offenders. It signifies not what is the character of the individual at the hour of trial. How changed, how spotless, and how useful, avails him nothing. If they discover at the distance of fourteen7 or of forty years8 an action for which the law ordains that his life shall be the forfeit, though the interval should have been spent with the purity of a saint and the devotedness of a patriot, they disdain to enquire into it. What then can I do? Am I not compelled to go on in folly, having once begun?"
"Unfortunately, Williams," he said, "it would have been better for me if I had seen these views before I chose my current profession. Now it’s too late. Those very laws that made me aware of their injustice pushed me to become who I am, but they also prevent me from going back. God, we are told, judges people based on who they are at the time of their trial, and regardless of their crimes, if they recognize and reject the foolishness of those crimes, He accepts them. But the systems in countries that claim to worship this God don’t make such distinctions. They leave no room for change and seem to take pleasure in mixing up the flaws of offenders. It doesn’t matter what the person is like at the time of the trial. No matter how changed, pure, or useful they may be, it’s all irrelevant. If they find out, even after fourteen7 or forty years8, about an action that the law states will cost him his life, even if he spent that time living like a saint and devoted like a patriot, they refuse to look into it. So what can I do? Am I not forced to continue in my foolishness since I’ve already started?"
CHAPTER IV.
I Was extremely affected by this plea. I could only answer, that Mr. Raymond must himself be the best judge of the course it became him to hold; I trusted the case was not so desperate as he imagined.
I was really moved by this request. I could only say that Mr. Raymond must be the best one to decide what course of action to take; I hoped the situation wasn't as hopeless as he thought.
This subject was pursued no further, and was in some degree driven from my thoughts by an incident of a very extraordinary nature.
This topic was not explored any further and was somewhat pushed out of my mind by a very unusual incident.
I have already mentioned the animosity that was entertained against me by the infernal portress of this solitary mansion. Gines, the expelled member of the gang, had been her particular favourite. She submitted to his exile indeed, because her genius felt subdued by the energy and inherent superiority of Mr. Raymond; but she submitted with murmuring and discontent. Not daring to resent the conduct of the principal in this affair, she collected all the bitterness of her spirit against me.
I’ve already talked about the hostility that the diabolical caretaker of this lonely mansion had towards me. Gines, the ousted member of the gang, was her favorite. She accepted his exile only because her pride was overshadowed by the strength and natural superiority of Mr. Raymond; but she accepted it with grumbling and dissatisfaction. Not brave enough to challenge the main figure in this situation, she directed all her resentment towards me.
To the unpardonable offence I had thus committed in the first instance, were added the reasonings I had lately offered against the profession of robbery. Robbery was a fundamental article in the creed of this hoary veteran, and she listened to my objections with the same unaffected astonishment and horror that an old woman of other habits would listen to one who objected to the agonies and dissolution of the Creator of the world, or to the garment of imputed righteousness prepared to envelope the souls of the elect. Like the religious bigot, she was sufficiently disposed to avenge a hostility against her opinions with the weapons of sublunary warfare.
To the unforgivable mistake I had made initially, I added my recent arguments against the profession of robbery. Robbery was a core belief for this old veteran, and she listened to my objections with the same genuine shock and horror that an elderly woman from a different background would show someone who questioned the suffering and death of the Creator of the universe, or the concept of imputed righteousness meant to save the souls of the chosen. Like a religious fanatic, she was more than ready to retaliate against an attack on her beliefs with the tools of worldly conflict.
Meanwhile I had smiled at the impotence of her malice, as an object of contempt rather than alarm. She perceived, as I imagine, the slight estimation in which I held her, and this did not a little increase the perturbation of her thoughts.
Meanwhile, I had smiled at the uselessness of her spite, seeing it as something to be mocked rather than feared. She must have realized, I think, how little I thought of her, and this only added to her anxiety.
One day I was left alone, with no other person in the house than this swarthy sybil. The thieves had set out upon an expedition about two hours after sunset on the preceding evening, and had not returned, as they were accustomed to do, before day-break the next morning. This was a circumstance that sometimes occurred, and therefore did not produce any extraordinary alarm. At one time the scent of prey would lead them beyond the bounds they had prescribed themselves, and at another the fear of pursuit: the life of a thief is always uncertain. The old woman had been preparing during the night for the meal to which they would expect to sit down as soon as might be after their return.
One day I was left alone, with only this dark-skinned woman in the house. The thieves had set out on a mission about two hours after sunset the night before and hadn’t come back, like they usually did, by dawn the next morning. This sometimes happened, so it didn’t cause any significant worry. At times, the lure of a target would take them beyond their usual limits, and other times it was the fear of being caught: the life of a thief is always unpredictable. The old woman had been preparing throughout the night for the meal they would expect to eat as soon as they got back.
For myself, I had learned from their habits to be indifferent to the regular return of the different parts of the day, and in some degree to turn day into night, and night into day. I had been now several weeks in this residence, and the season was considerably advanced. I had passed some hours during the night in ruminating on my situation. The character and manners of the men among whom I lived were disgusting to me. Their brutal ignorance, their ferocious habits, and their coarse behaviour, instead of becoming more tolerable by custom, hourly added force to my original aversion. The uncommon vigour of their minds, and acuteness of their invention in the business they pursued, compared with the odiousness of that business and their habitual depravity, awakened in me sensations too painful to be endured. Moral disapprobation, at least in a mind unsubdued by philosophy, I found to be one of the most fertile sources of disquiet and uneasiness. From this pain the society of Mr. Raymond by no means relieved me. He was indeed eminently superior to the vices of the rest; but I did not less exquisitely feel how much he was out of his place, how disproportionably associated, or how contemptibly employed. I had attempted to counteract the errors under which he and his companions laboured; but I had found the obstacles that presented themselves greater than I had imagined.
For me, I had learned from their habits to be indifferent to the regular flow of day and night, somewhat turning day into night and night into day. I had been living here for several weeks, and the season had progressed significantly. I spent some hours during the night thinking about my situation. The character and behavior of the men I lived among were repulsive to me. Their brutal ignorance, savage habits, and crude behavior, rather than becoming more bearable over time, only increased my initial disgust. The unusual strength of their minds and sharpness in the tasks they pursued, contrasted with the repulsiveness of those tasks and their habitual corruption, stirred feelings in me that were too painful to bear. I found that moral disapproval, especially in a mind unshaped by philosophy, was one of the biggest sources of anxiety and discomfort. The company of Mr. Raymond did little to ease this pain. While he was indeed far superior to the vices of the others, I felt acutely how out of place he was, how mismatched in association, and how contemptibly employed. I had tried to counteract the errors that he and his companions struggled with, but I found the obstacles much greater than I had anticipated.
What was I to do? Was I to wait the issue of this my missionary undertaking, or was I to withdraw myself immediately? When I withdrew, ought that to be done privately, or with an open avowal of my design, and an endeavour to supply by the force of example what was deficient in my arguments? It was certainly improper, as I declined all participation in the pursuits of these men, did not pay my contribution of hazard to the means by which they subsisted, and had no congeniality with their habits, that I should continue to reside with them longer than was absolutely necessary. There was one circumstance that rendered this deliberation particularly pressing. They intended in a few days removing from their present habitation, to a haunt to which they were accustomed, in a distant county. If I did not propose to continue with them, it would perhaps be wrong to accompany them in this removal. The state of calamity to which my inexorable prosecutor had reduced me, had made the encounter even of a den of robbers a fortunate adventure. But the time that had since elapsed, had probably been sufficient to relax the keenness of the quest that was made after me. I sighed for that solitude and obscurity, that retreat from the vexations of the world and the voice even of common fame, which I had proposed to myself when I broke my prison.
What was I supposed to do? Should I wait to see how this missionary venture turned out, or should I leave right away? If I decided to leave, should it be discreetly or with an open statement about my intentions, trying to use my example to make up for what I lacked in arguments? It was definitely inappropriate, since I shunned any involvement in the activities of these men, didn’t contribute any risk to their way of life, and had no shared interests with their habits, for me to stay with them longer than absolutely necessary. There was one factor that made this decision even more urgent. They planned to move from their current place to a spot they were familiar with in another county in just a few days. If I didn’t intend to stay with them, it might be wrong to go along with their move. The state of distress my relentless pursuer had put me in made even the chance meeting with a group of robbers seem like a lucky break. But the time that had since passed might have been long enough to ease the intensity of the search for me. I yearned for that solitude and anonymity, that escape from the troubles of the world and even the whispers of public opinion, which I had envisioned when I broke out of my prison.
Such were the meditations which now occupied my mind. At length I grew fatigued with continual contemplation, and to relieve myself pulled out a pocket Horace, the legacy of my beloved Brightwel! I read with avidity the epistle in which he so beautifully describes to Fuscus, the grammarian, the pleasures of rural tranquillity and independence. By this time the sun rose from behind the eastern hills, and I opened my casement to contemplate it. The day commenced with peculiar brilliancy, and was accompanied with all those charms which the poets of nature, as they have been styled, have so much delighted to describe. There was something in this scene, particularly as succeeding to the active exertions of intellect, that soothed the mind to composure. Insensibly a confused reverie invaded my faculties; I withdrew from the window, threw myself upon the bed, and fell asleep.
These were the thoughts that filled my mind. Eventually, I got tired from constant thinking, and to ease myself, I pulled out a pocket-sized Horace, a gift from my dear Brightwel! I eagerly read the letter where he beautifully describes to Fuscus, the grammarian, the joys of rural peace and independence. By this time, the sun was rising behind the eastern hills, so I opened my window to take it in. The day began with a special brightness and was filled with all those wonders that nature poets have always loved to describe. There was something about this scene, especially after the active use of my mind, that calmed me down. Gradually, a dreamy haze took over my thoughts; I moved away from the window, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep.
I do not recollect the precise images which in this situation passed through my thoughts, but I know that they concluded with the idea of some person, the agent of Mr. Falkland, approaching to assassinate me. This thought had probably been suggested by the project I meditated of entering once again into the world, and throwing myself within the sphere of his possible vengeance. I imagined that the design of the murderer was to come upon me by surprise, that I was aware of his design, and yet, by some fascination, had no thought of evading it. I heard the steps of the murderer as he cautiously approached. I seemed to listen to his constrained yet audible breathings. He came up to the corner where I was placed, and then stopped.
I don't remember the exact images that went through my mind in that moment, but I do know they ended with the idea of someone, Mr. Falkland's representative, coming to kill me. That thought was likely triggered by my plan to re-enter society and place myself within reach of his potential revenge. I pictured the killer sneaking up on me, knowing his intentions, and yet, somehow, I felt drawn in and didn’t consider escaping. I heard the killer's footsteps as he approached carefully. I could almost hear his strained but audible breaths. He reached the corner where I was hiding and then stopped.
The idea became too terrible; I started, opened my eyes, and beheld the execrable hag before mentioned standing over me with a butcher's cleaver. I shifted my situation with a speed that seemed too swift for volition, and the blow already aimed at my skull sunk impotent upon the bed. Before she could wholly recover her posture, I sprung upon her, seized hold of the weapon, and had nearly wrested it from her. But in a moment she resumed her strength and her desperate purpose, and we had a furious struggle—she impelled by inveterate malice, and I resisting for my life. Her vigour was truly Amazonian, and at no time had I ever occasion to contend with a more formidable opponent. Her glance was rapid and exact, and the shock with which from time to time she impelled her whole frame inconceivably vehement. At length I was victorious, took from her the instrument of death, and threw her upon the ground. Till now the earnestness of her exertions had curbed her rage; but now she gnashed with her teeth, her eyes seemed as if starting from their sockets, and her body heaved with uncontrollable insanity.
The idea became too terrible; I started, opened my eyes, and saw the awful hag I mentioned earlier standing over me with a butcher's cleaver. I changed my position so quickly it felt almost automatic, and the blow headed for my skull fell uselessly on the bed. Before she could fully recover her stance, I jumped at her, grabbed the weapon, and nearly wrestled it away from her. But in a moment, she regained her strength and her desperate intent, and we had a fierce struggle—she driven by relentless hatred, and I fighting for my life. Her strength was truly incredible, and I had never faced a more formidable opponent. Her movements were quick and precise, and the force with which she threw her entire body into the fight was astonishing. Finally, I gained the upper hand, took the weapon from her, and threw her to the ground. Until that moment, the intensity of her efforts had kept her anger in check; but now she snarled, her eyes seemed ready to burst from their sockets, and her body convulsed with uncontrollable rage.
"Rascal! devil!" she exclaimed, "what do you mean to do to me?"
"Scoundrel! What do you plan to do to me?" she exclaimed.
Till now the scene had passed uninterrupted by a single word.
Until now, the scene had unfolded without a single word spoken.
"Nothing," I replied: "begone, infernal witch! and leave me to myself."
"Nothing," I said. "Go away, evil witch! Leave me alone."
"Leave you! No: I will thrust my fingers through your ribs, and drink your blood!--You conquer me?—Ha, ha!--Yes, yes; you shall!--I will sit upon you, and press you to hell! I will roast you with brimstone, and dash your entrails into your eyes! Ha, ha!--ha!"
"Leave you! No: I will shove my fingers through your ribs and drink your blood! You think you've conquered me? Ha, ha! Yes, yes; you will! I will sit on you and push you down to hell! I will roast you with sulfur and shove your insides into your eyes! Ha, ha! Ha!"
Saying this, she sprung up, and prepared to attack me with redoubled fury. I seized her hands, and compelled her to sit upon the bed. Thus restrained, she continued to express the tumult of her thoughts by grinning, by certain furious motions of her head, and by occasional vehement efforts to disengage herself from my grasp. These contortions and starts were of the nature of those fits in which the patients are commonly supposed to need three or four persons to hold them. But I found by experience that, under the circumstances in which I was placed, my single strength was sufficient. The spectacle of her emotions was inconceivably frightful. Her violence at length however began to abate, and she became convinced of the hopelessness of the contest.
Saying this, she jumped up, ready to attack me with even more anger. I grabbed her hands and made her sit on the bed. Restrained, she kept expressing the chaos in her mind by grinning, shaking her head violently, and making strong attempts to break free from my hold. Her twists and jerks resembled the fits that people usually need three or four people to manage. But I found that, given the situation I was in, my own strength was enough. Watching her emotions was incredibly terrifying. Eventually, though, her rage started to calm down, and she realized that the struggle was futile.
"Let me go!" said she. "Why do you hold me? I will not be held."
"Let me go!" she said. "Why are you holding me? I won't stay here."
"I wanted you gone from the first," replied I.
"I wanted you out from the start," I replied.
"Are you contented to go now?"
"Are you happy to go now?"
"Yes, I tell you, misbegotten villain! Yes, rascal!"
"Yes, I’m telling you, you worthless villain! Yes, you scoundrel!"
I immediately loosed my hold. She flew to the door, and, holding it in her hand, said, "I will be the death of you yet: you shall not be your own man twenty-four hours longer!" With these words she shut the door, and locked it upon me. An action so totally unexpected startled me. Whither was she gone? What was it she intended? To perish by the machinations of such a hag as this was a thought not to be endured. Death in any form brought upon us by surprise, and for which the mind has had no time to prepare, is inexpressibly terrible. My thoughts wandered in breathless horror and confusion, and all within was uproar. I endeavoured to break the door, but in vain. I went round the room in search of some tool to assist me. At length I rushed against it with a desperate effort, to which it yielded, and had nearly thrown me from the top of the stairs to the bottom.
I quickly let go. She dashed to the door, and, holding it in her hand, said, "I'll be the end of you yet: you won't be your own person for another twenty-four hours!" With that, she shut the door and locked it behind her. This totally unexpected action shocked me. Where had she gone? What was her plan? The thought of dying by the schemes of a witch like her was something I couldn't bear. Death, especially when it comes as a surprise and you haven't had time to prepare for it, is incredibly terrifying. My thoughts raced in breathless horror and confusion, and everything inside me was in chaos. I tried to break the door, but it was useless. I searched the room for something to help me. Finally, I charged at it with a desperate effort, and it gave way, nearly sending me tumbling from the top of the stairs to the bottom.
I descended with all possible caution and vigilance, I entered the room which served us for a kitchen, but it was deserted. I searched every other apartment in vain. I went out among the ruins; still I discovered nothing of my late assailant. It was extraordinary: what could be become of her? what was I to conclude from her disappearance! I reflected on her parting menace,—"I should not be my own man twenty-four hours longer." It was mysterious! it did not seem to be the menace of assassination. Suddenly the recollection of the hand-bill brought to us by Larkins rushed upon my memory. Was it possible that she alluded to that in her parting words? Would she set out upon such an expedition by herself? Was it not dangerous to the whole fraternity if, without the smallest precaution, she should bring the officers of justice in the midst of them? It was perhaps improbable she would engage in an undertaking thus desperate. It was not however easy to answer for the conduct of a person in her state of mind. Should I wait, and risk the preservation of my liberty upon the issue?
I carefully made my way down and entered the room that we used as a kitchen, but it was empty. I searched every other room but found nothing. I stepped outside among the ruins, yet I still found no sign of my recent attacker. It was strange: where could she have gone? What was I supposed to think about her disappearance? I remembered her parting threat—"I won’t be my own person for another twenty-four hours." It was puzzling! It didn’t seem like a threat of murder. Then, suddenly, I recalled the flyer that Larkins had brought us. Could it be that she was referring to that in her last words? Would she really go off on such a mission by herself? Wasn’t it dangerous for everyone if she brought the law right to us without any warning? It seemed unlikely that she would take on such a reckless endeavor. However, it was hard to predict how someone in her mindset would act. Should I wait and gamble my freedom on the outcome?
To this question I returned an immediate negative. I had resolved in a short time to quit my present situation, and the difference of a little sooner or a little later could not be very material. It promised to be neither agreeable nor prudent for me to remain under the same roof with a person who had manifested such a fierce and inexpiable hostility. But the consideration which had inexpressibly the most weight with me, belonged to the ideas of imprisonment, trial, and death. The longer they had formed the subject of my contemplation, the more forcibly was I impelled to avoid them. I had entered upon a system of action for that purpose; I had already made many sacrifices; and I believed that I would never miscarry in this project through any neglect of mine. The thought of what was reserved for me by my persecutors sickened my very soul; and the more intimately I was acquainted with oppression and injustice, the more deeply was I penetrated with the abhorrence to which they are entitled.
To this question, I immediately said no. I had decided to leave my current situation soon, and whether I did it a little earlier or a little later didn’t really matter. It seemed neither pleasant nor wise for me to stay under the same roof as someone who had shown such intense and unforgiving hostility. But what weighed most heavily on my mind were thoughts of imprisonment, trial, and death. The more I contemplated these ideas, the more I felt driven to avoid them. I had started taking action for that reason; I had already made many sacrifices, and I was confident that I wouldn’t fail in this plan due to my own neglect. The thought of what my oppressors had in store for me made me feel sick to my stomach; and the more I experienced oppression and injustice, the more I was filled with a deep-seated hatred for what they deserved.
Such were the reasons that determined me instantly, abruptly, without leave-taking, or acknowledgment for the peculiar and repeated favours I had received, to quit a habitation to which, for six weeks, I had apparently been indebted for protection from trial, conviction, and an ignominious death. I had come hither pennyless; I quitted my abode with the sum of a few guineas in my possession, Mr. Raymond having insisted upon my taking a share at the time that each man received his dividend from the common stock. Though I had reason to suppose that the heat of the pursuit against me would be somewhat remitted by the time that had elapsed, the magnitude of the mischief that, in an unfavourable event, might fall on me, determined me to neglect no imaginable precaution. I recollected the hand-bill which was the source of my present alarm, and conceived that one of the principal dangers which threatened me was the recognition of my person, either by such as had previously known me, or even by strangers. It seemed prudent therefore to disguise it as effectually as I could. For this purpose I had recourse to a parcel of tattered garments, that lay in a neglected corner of our habitation. The disguise I chose was that of a beggar. Upon this plan, I threw off my shirt; I tied a handkerchief about my head, with which I took care to cover one of my eyes; over this I drew a piece of an old woollen nightcap. I selected the worst apparel I could find; and this I reduced to a still more deplorable condition, by rents that I purposely made in various places. Thus equipped, I surveyed myself in a looking-glass. I had rendered my appearance complete; nor would any one have suspected that I was not one of the fraternity to which I assumed to belong. I said, "This is the form in which tyranny and injustice oblige me to seek for refuge: but better, a thousand times better is it, thus to incur contempt with the dregs of mankind, than trust to the tender mercies of our superiors!"
These were the reasons that made me decide instantly, without saying goodbye or acknowledging the unique and repeated kindnesses I had received, to leave a place that, for six weeks, had apparently given me protection from trial, conviction, and a shameful death. I had come here broke; I left my home with a few guineas in my pocket, as Mr. Raymond had insisted I take a share when each person received their dividend from the common fund. Although I had reason to believe that the heat of the pursuit against me would have cooled somewhat by now, the potential consequences that could fall on me in a worst-case scenario compelled me to take every possible precaution. I remembered the handbill that had caused my current panic and realized that one of the main dangers threatening me was being recognized, either by those who had known me before or even by strangers. It seemed smart to disguise myself as much as possible. For this, I dug out a pile of ragged clothes that were lying in a neglected corner of our home. I chose to disguise myself as a beggar. Following this plan, I removed my shirt; I tied a handkerchief around my head, making sure to cover one of my eyes, and over that, I pulled on a piece of an old woollen nightcap. I picked the worst clothes I could find and made them even more ragged by tearing them in several places. With this new look, I examined myself in a mirror. I had completed my disguise; no one would suspect I wasn’t part of the group I pretended to belong to. I said, "This is the form in which tyranny and injustice force me to seek refuge: but it is a thousand times better to endure scorn among the lowest of humanity than to rely on the mercies of those above us!"
CHAPTER V.
The only rule that I laid down to myself in traversing the forest, was to take a direction as opposite as possible to that which led to the scene of my late imprisonment. After about two hours walking I arrived at the termination of this ruder scene, and reached that part of the country which is inclosed and cultivated. Here I sat down by the side of a brook, and, pulling out a crust of bread which I had brought away with me, rested and refreshed myself. While I continued in this place, I began to ruminate upon the plan I should lay down for my future proceedings; and my propensity now led me, as it had done in a former instance, to fix upon the capital, which I believed, besides its other recommendations, would prove the safest place for concealment. During these thoughts I saw a couple of peasants passing at a small distance, and enquired of them respecting the London road. By their description I understood that the most immediate way would be to repass a part of the forest, and that it would be necessary to approach considerably nearer to the county-town than I was at the spot which I had at present reached. I did not imagine that this could be a circumstance of considerable importance. My disguise appeared to be a sufficient security against momentary danger; and I therefore took a path, though not the most direct one, which led towards the point they suggested.
The only rule I set for myself while crossing the forest was to head in the opposite direction from where I had just been imprisoned. After about two hours of walking, I reached the end of the rough terrain and entered the cultivated area. I sat down by a stream, pulled out a piece of bread I had taken with me, and took a moment to rest and recharge. While I was there, I started to think about my plan for what to do next, and, like before, I decided that heading to the capital seemed best, as I believed it would also be the safest place to hide. As I was lost in thought, I noticed a couple of peasants passing by and asked them about the London road. From their directions, I learned that the quickest way would be to go back through a section of the forest and that I'd need to get much closer to the county town than where I currently was. I didn’t think this would be a major issue. My disguise felt like enough protection against immediate danger, so I chose a path that led in the direction they indicated, even if it wasn’t the most direct route.
Some of the occurrences of the day are deserving to be mentioned. As I passed along a road which lay in my way for a few miles, I saw a carriage advancing in the opposite direction. I debated with myself for a moment, whether I should pass it without notice, or should take this occasion, by voice or gesture, of making an essay of my trade. This idle disquisition was however speedily driven from my mind when I perceived that the carriage was Mr. Falkland's. The suddenness of the encounter struck me with terror, though perhaps it would have been difficult for calm reflection to have discovered any considerable danger. I withdrew from the road, and skulked behind a hedge till it should have completely gone by. I was too much occupied with my own feelings, to venture to examine whether or no the terrible adversary of my peace were in the carriage. I persuaded myself that he was. I looked after the equipage, and exclaimed, "There you may see the luxurious accommodations and appendages of guilt, and here the forlornness that awaits upon innocence!"—I was to blame to imagine that my case was singular in that respect. I only mention it to show how the most trivial circumstance contributes to embitter the cup to the man of adversity. The thought however was a transient one. I had learned this lesson from my sufferings, not to indulge in the luxury of discontent. As my mind recovered its tranquillity, I began to enquire whether the phenomenon I had just seen could have any relation to myself. But though my mind was extremely inquisitive and versatile in this respect, I could discover no sufficient ground upon which to build a judgment.
Some of the things that happened that day are worth mentioning. As I walked along a road ahead of me for a few miles, I saw a carriage coming in the opposite direction. I briefly considered whether I should pass it without saying anything or take this chance to show off my skills somehow. This idle thought was quickly pushed aside when I realized it was Mr. Falkland's carriage. The sudden encounter terrified me, even though calm reflection probably wouldn't have found any real danger. I stepped off the road and hid behind a hedge until it had completely passed. I was too caught up in my own emotions to check if my dreaded rival was in the carriage. I convinced myself that he was. I looked after the vehicle and exclaimed, "There you can see the lavish comforts and trappings of guilt, and here the desolation that follows innocence!" I was wrong to think my situation was unique in that way. I only mention it to illustrate how even the smallest things can make life more bitter for someone facing hardship. However, that thought was fleeting. I had learned from my suffering not to indulge in the luxury of discontent. As my mind regained its calm, I began to wonder if what I had just seen had anything to do with me. But even though I was very curious and restless in this regard, I couldn't find any solid reason to form a judgment.
At night I entered a little public-house at the extremity of a village, and, seating myself in a corner of the kitchen, asked for some bread and cheese. While I was sitting at my repast, three or four labourers came in for a little refreshment after their work. Ideas respecting the inequality of rank pervade every order in society; and, as my appearance was meaner and more contemptible than theirs, I found it expedient to give way to these gentry of a village alehouse, and remove to an obscurer station. I was surprised, and not a little startled, to find them fall almost immediately into conversation about my history, whom, with a slight variation of circumstances, they styled the notorious housebreaker, Kit Williams.
At night, I walked into a small pub at the edge of a village and sat down in a corner of the kitchen, asking for some bread and cheese. While I was eating, three or four laborers came in for a drink after their work. Thoughts about the inequality of social status run through every part of society, and since my appearance was more shabby and less respectable than theirs, I felt it was best to step aside for these locals and move to a more secluded spot. I was surprised—and a bit unsettled—to hear them quickly start discussing my background, referring to me, with a slight twist on the details, as the infamous housebreaker, Kit Williams.
"Damn the fellow," said one of them, "one never hears of any thing else. O' my life, I think he makes talk for the whole country."
"Damn that guy," said one of them, "you never hear about anything else. Seriously, I think he has people talking all over the country."
"That is very true," replied another. "I was at the market-town to-day to sell some oats for my master, and there was a hue and cry, some of them thought they had got him, but it was a false alarm."
"That's absolutely true," replied another. "I was at the market town today to sell some oats for my boss, and there was a lot of commotion; some people thought they had caught him, but it was a false alarm."
"That hundred guineas is a fine thing," rejoined the first. "I should be glad if so be as how it fell in my way."
"That hundred guineas is a great thing," replied the first. "I would be happy if it came my way."
"For the matter of that," said his companion, "I should like a hundred guineas as well as another. But I cannot be of your mind for all that. I should never think money would do me any good that had been the means of bringing a Christian creature to the gallows."
“For that matter,” said his companion, “I would also like a hundred guineas just like anyone else. But I can’t agree with you on that. I could never believe that money could do me any good if it was the reason a Christian person was hanged.”
"Poh, that is all my granny! Some folks must be hanged, to keep the wheels of our state-folks a-going. Besides, I could forgive the fellow all his other robberies, but that he should have been so hardened as to break the house of his own master at last, that is too bad."
"Poh, that’s just my grandma! Some people have to be punished to keep our government running smoothly. Plus, I could overlook all his other crimes, but for him to have the nerve to rob his own boss in the end, that’s just too much."
"Lord! lord!" replied the other, "I see you know nothing of the matter! I will tell you how it was, as I learned it at the town. I question whether he ever robbed his master at all. But, hark you! you must know as how that squire Falkland was once tried for murder"—
"Lord! Lord!" replied the other, "I see you don't know anything about this! Let me tell you what I learned in town. I'm not sure he ever actually robbed his master at all. But listen! You need to know that Squire Falkland was once tried for murder."
"Yes, yes, we know that."
"Yeah, we get it."
"Well, he was as innocent as the child unborn. But I supposes as how he is a little soft or so. And so Kit Williams—Kit is a devilish cunning fellow, you may judge that from his breaking prison no less than five times,—so, I say, he threatened to bring his master to trial at 'size all over again, and so frightened him, and got money from him at divers times. Till at last one squire Forester, a relation of t'other, found it all out. And he made the hell of a rumpus, and sent away Kit to prison in a twinky; and I believe he would have been hanged: for when two squires lay their heads together, they do not much matter law, you know; or else they twist the law to their own ends, I cannot exactly say which; but it is much at one when the poor fellow's breath is out of his body."
"Well, he was as innocent as an unborn child. But I suppose he was a bit soft or something. And so Kit Williams—Kit is a really clever guy, you can tell that from him breaking out of prison no less than five times—so, I mean, he threatened to bring his master to trial again, which scared him and got him money several times. Until finally, a squire named Forester, who was a relative of the other, figured it all out. He caused a huge uproar and sent Kit off to prison in a hurry; I believe he would have been hanged. Because when two squires put their heads together, they don't really care about the law, you know? Or maybe they bend the law to suit themselves; I can't really say which, but it doesn’t matter much when the poor guy's life is at stake."
Though this story was very circumstantially told, and with a sufficient detail of particulars, it did not pass unquestioned. Each man maintained the justness of his own statement, and the dispute was long and obstinately pursued. Historians and commentators at length withdrew together. The terrors with which I was seized when this conversation began, were extreme. I stole a sidelong glance to one quarter and another, to observe if any man's attention was turned upon me. I trembled as if in an ague-fit; and, at first, felt continual impulses to quit the house, and take to my heels. I drew closer to my corner, held aside my head, and seemed from time to time to undergo a total revolution of the animal economy.
Although this story was told with a lot of details and specifics, it didn’t go unchallenged. Each person insisted that their version was correct, leading to a long and stubborn argument. Eventually, the historians and commentators decided to leave together. I was extremely anxious when this conversation started. I glanced around nervously to see if anyone was paying attention to me. I shook like I had a fever; at first, I felt a strong urge to leave the house and run away. I huddled closer to my corner, tilted my head to the side, and occasionally felt like my whole body was going through a complete change.
At length the tide of ideas turned. Perceiving they paid no attention to me, the recollection of the full security my disguise afforded recurred strongly to my thoughts; and I began inwardly to exult, though I did not venture to obtrude myself to examination. By degrees I began to be amused at the absurdity of their tales, and the variety of the falsehoods I heard asserted around me. My soul seemed to expand; I felt a pride in the self-possession and lightness of heart with which I could listen to the scene; and I determined to prolong and heighten the enjoyment. Accordingly, when they were withdrawn, I addressed myself to our hostess, a buxom, bluff, good-humoured widow, and asked what sort of a man this Kit Williams might be? She replied that, as she was informed, he was as handsome, likely a lad, as any in four counties round; and that she loved him for his cleverness, by which he outwitted all the keepers they could set over him, and made his way through stone walls as if they were so many cobwebs. I observed, that the country was so thoroughly alarmed, that I did not think it possible he should escape the pursuit that was set up after him. This idea excited her immediate indignation: she said, she hoped he was far enough away by this time; but if not, she wished the curse of God might light on them that betrayed so noble a fellow to an ignominious end!--Though she little thought that the person of whom she spoke was so near her, yet the sincere and generous warmth with which She interested herself in my behalf gave me considerable pleasure. With this sensation to sweeten the fatigues of the day and the calamities of my situation, I retired from the kitchen to a neighbouring barn, laid myself down upon some straw, and fell into a profound sleep.
Eventually, the flow of ideas shifted. Realizing they weren’t paying attention to me, I was strongly reminded of how safe my disguise made me feel; I started to feel a sense of triumph, even though I didn’t dare draw any attention to myself. Gradually, I found amusement in the ridiculousness of their stories and the different lies I heard around me. My spirits began to lift; I felt proud of my calm demeanor and lightheartedness as I listened to the scene, and I decided to stretch out and deepen my enjoyment. So, when they left, I turned to our hostess, a cheerful, jolly widow, and asked what kind of person this Kit Williams was. She replied that, as she had heard, he was as handsome and promising a young man as any in the four counties nearby; and she admired him for his cleverness, which allowed him to outsmart all the guards they could put on him and get through stone walls like they were made of cobwebs. I commented that the area was so on edge that I didn’t think it was possible he could escape the search for him. This idea immediately angered her: she said she hoped he was far away by now; but if not, she wished a curse from God on those who betrayed such a noble fellow to a shameful end!—Though she had no idea that the person she was talking about was so close to her, the genuine and generous concern she showed for me brought me great comfort. With this feeling to sweeten the exhaustion of the day and the troubles of my situation, I left the kitchen for a nearby barn, lay down on some straw, and fell into a deep sleep.
The next day about noon, as I was pursuing my journey, I was overtaken by two men on horseback, who stopped me, to enquire respecting a person that they supposed might have passed along that road. As they proceeded in their description, I perceived, with astonishment and terror, that I was myself the person to whom their questions related. They entered into a tolerably accurate detail of the various characteristics by which my person might best be distinguished. They said, they had good reason to believe that I had been seen at a place in that county the very day before. While they were speaking a third person, who had fallen behind, came up; and my alarm was greatly increased upon seeing that this person was the servant of Mr. Forester, who had visited me in prison about a fortnight before my escape. My best resource in this crisis was composure and apparent indifference. It was fortunate for me that my disguise was so complete, that the eye of Mr. Falkland itself could scarcely have penetrated it. I had been aware for some time before that this was a refuge which events might make necessary, and had endeavoured to arrange and methodise my ideas upon the subject. From my youth I had possessed a considerable facility in the art of imitation; and when I quitted my retreat in the habitation of Mr. Raymond, I adopted, along with my beggar's attire, a peculiar slouching and clownish gait, to be used whenever there should appear the least chance of my being observed, together with an Irish brogue which I had had an opportunity of studying in my prison. Such are the miserable expedients, and so great the studied artifice, which man, who never deserves the name of manhood but in proportion as he is erect and independent, may find it necessary to employ, for the purpose of eluding the inexorable animosity and unfeeling tyranny of his fellow man! I had made use of this brogue, though I have not thought it necessary to write it down in my narrative, in the conversation of the village alehouse. Mr. Forester's servant, as he came up, observed that his companions were engaged in conversation with me; and, guessing at the subject, asked whether they had gained any intelligence. He added to the information at which they had already hinted, that a resolution was taken to spare neither diligence nor expense for my discovery and apprehension, and that they were satisfied, if I were above ground and in the kingdom, it would be impossible for me to escape them.
The next day around noon, as I was continuing my journey, I was approached by two men on horseback, who stopped me to ask about someone they thought might have gone down that road. As they described the person, I was shocked and frightened to realize that they were referring to me. They gave a fairly detailed account of the different features that might identify me. They mentioned that they had good reason to believe I had been seen in a location in that county just the day before. While they were talking, a third person, who had lagged behind, caught up with them; I became even more alarmed when I saw that this person was the servant of Mr. Forester, who had visited me in prison about two weeks before my escape. My best strategy in this situation was to stay calm and act indifferent. Luckily for me, my disguise was so effective that even Mr. Falkland himself would have had a hard time seeing through it. I had known for a while that I might need this cover, and I tried to mentally prepare for it. Since my youth, I had a knack for imitation; when I left my hiding place at Mr. Raymond's, I adopted, along with my beggar's clothes, a distinct slouched and awkward walk to use anytime I thought I might be seen, along with an Irish accent I had the chance to practice in prison. Such are the desperate measures, and such is the calculated deception that a person, who only truly embodies manhood when standing tall and independent, may need to resort to in order to escape the relentless hostility and cold tyranny of others! I had used this accent, even though I haven't felt the need to include it in my story, during my time at the village tavern. Mr. Forester's servant, as he arrived, noticed his companions were talking to me and, guessing what it was about, asked if they had learned anything. He added to what they had already hinted that there was a determination to spare no effort or cost to find and capture me, and that they were convinced if I was above ground and in the country, it would be impossible for me to escape them.
Every new incident that had occurred to me tended to impress upon my mind the extreme danger to which I was exposed. I could almost have imagined that I was the sole subject of general attention, and that the whole world was in arms to exterminate me. The very idea tingled through every fibre of my frame. But, terrible as it appeared to my imagination, it did but give new energy to my purpose; and I determined that I would not voluntarily resign the field, that is, literally speaking, my neck to the cord of the executioner, notwithstanding the greatest superiority in my assailants. But the incidents which had befallen me, though they did not change my purpose, induced me to examine over again the means by which it might be effected. The consequence of this revisal was, to determine me to bend my course to the nearest sea-port on the west side of the island, and transport myself to Ireland. I cannot now tell what it was that inclined me to prefer this scheme to that which I had originally formed. Perhaps the latter, which had been for some time present to my imagination, for that reason appeared the more obvious of the two; and I found an appearance of complexity, which the mind did not stay to explain, in substituting the other in its stead.
Every new incident that happened to me kept reminding me of the extreme danger I was in. I could almost imagine that I was the only one being watched, and that the whole world was ready to destroy me. Just the thought of it sent a shiver through every part of me. But, as terrifying as it was to think about, it only strengthened my resolve; I decided that I wouldn’t willingly give up, meaning I wouldn't just hand my neck over to the executioner, no matter how much stronger my attackers were. However, the events I had experienced, while they didn't change my determination, made me reevaluate how I could achieve my goal. As a result of this reflection, I decided to head to the nearest sea port on the west side of the island and take a boat to Ireland. I can't really say why I chose this plan over my original one. Maybe because the original idea had been on my mind for a while, it seemed more obvious; I found there was a complexity in switching to the other plan that my mind didn't take the time to unpack.
I arrived without further impediment at the place from which I intended to sail, enquired for a vessel, which I found ready to put to sea in a few hours, and agreed with the captain for my passage. Ireland had to me the disadvantage of being a dependency of the British government, and therefore a place of less security than most other countries which are divided from it by the ocean. To judge from the diligence with which I seemed to be pursued in England, it was not improbable that the zeal of my persecutors might follow me to the other side of the channel. It was however sufficiently agreeable to my mind, that I was upon the point of being removed one step further from the danger which was so grievous to my imagination.
I arrived without any further trouble at the place where I planned to set sail, asked about a ship, which I found was ready to leave in a few hours, and made arrangements with the captain for my passage. Ireland had the downside of being under British rule, making it a less secure location than most other countries separated from it by the ocean. Given how diligently I seemed to be pursued in England, it wasn't unlikely that my pursuers might follow me across the channel. However, it was quite reassuring to me that I was about to take another step away from the danger that weighed heavily on my mind.
Could there be any peril in the short interval that was to elapse, before the vessel was to weigh anchor and quit the English shore? Probably not. A very short time had intervened between my determination for the sea and my arrival at this place; and if any new alarm had been given to my prosecutors, it proceeded from the old woman a very few days before. I hoped I had anticipated their diligence. Meanwhile, that I might neglect no reasonable precaution, I went instantly on board, resolved that I would not unnecessarily, by walking the streets of the town, expose myself to any untoward accident. This was the first time I had, upon any occasion, taken leave of my native country.
Could there be any danger in the short time before the ship was set to weigh anchor and leave the English coast? Probably not. It hadn't been long since I decided to go to sea and arrived here; if there was any new alert given to my pursuers, it came from the old woman just a few days ago. I hoped I had outsmarted their efforts. Meanwhile, to make sure I took no unnecessary risks, I went straight on board, determined not to walk the streets of the town and expose myself to any unexpected trouble. This was the first time I had ever said goodbye to my home country.
CHAPTER VI.
The time was now nearly elapsed that was prescribed for our stay, and orders for weighing anchor were every moment expected, when we were hailed by a boat from the shore, with two other men in it besides those that rowed. They entered our vessel in an instant. They were officers of justice. The passengers, five persons besides myself, were ordered upon deck for examination. I was inexpressibly disturbed at the occurrence of such a circumstance in so unseasonable a moment. I took it for granted that it was of me they were in search. Was it possible that, by any unaccountable accident, they should have got an intimation of my disguise? It was infinitely more distressing to encounter them upon this narrow stage, and under these pointed circumstances, than, as I had before encountered my pursuers, under the appearance of an indifferent person. My recollection however did not forsake me. I confided in my conscious disguise and my Irish brogue, as a rock of dependence against all accidents.
The time for our stay was about to run out, and we were expecting orders to weigh anchor any moment when a boat from the shore hailed us, carrying two men along with the rowers. They boarded our vessel in no time. They were law enforcement officers. The five other passengers, along with me, were ordered to come on deck for questioning. I was incredibly unsettled by this event at such an awkward moment. I assumed they were looking for me. Could it be that, by some strange chance, they had gotten wind of my disguise? It was much more distressing to face them in this tight situation and under these specific circumstances than it had been before, when I had encountered my pursuers while pretending to be an uninterested bystander. However, I didn’t lose my composure. I relied on my disguise and my Irish accent as my safety net against any trouble.
No sooner did we appear upon deck than, to my great consternation, I could observe the attention of our guests principally turned upon me. They asked a few frivolous questions of such of my fellow passengers as happened to be nearest to them; and then, turning to me, enquired my name, who I was, whence I came, and what had brought me there? I had scarcely opened my mouth to reply, when, with one consent, they laid hold of me, said I was their prisoner, and declared that my accent, together with the correspondence of my person, would be sufficient to convict me before any court in England. I was hurried out of the vessel into the boat in which they came, and seated between them, as if by way of precaution, lest I should spring overboard, and by any means escape them.
No sooner had we stepped onto the deck than, to my shock, I noticed that our guests were primarily focused on me. They asked a few light questions of the passengers closest to them, and then turned to me, asking for my name, who I was, where I came from, and what had brought me there. I had barely started to respond when, all at once, they grabbed me, declared me their prisoner, and insisted that my accent, along with my appearance, would be enough to convict me in any court in England. I was rushed out of the vessel and into the boat they arrived in, seated between them, as if to ensure I wouldn’t jump overboard and escape.
I now took it for granted that I was once more in the power of Mr. Falkland; and the idea was insupportably mortifying and oppressive to my imagination. Escape from his pursuit, freedom from his tyranny, were objects upon which my whole soul was bent. Could no human ingenuity and exertion effect them? Did his power reach through all space, and his eye penetrate every concealment? Was he like that mysterious being, to protect us from whose fierce revenge mountains and hills, we are told, might fall on us in vain? No idea is more heart-sickening and tremendous than this. But, in my case, it was not a subject of reasoning or of faith; I could derive no comfort, either directly from the unbelief which, upon religious subjects, some men avow to their own minds; or secretly from the remoteness and incomprehensibility of the conception: it was an affair of sense; I felt the fangs of the tiger striking deep into my heart.
I now accepted that I was once again under Mr. Falkland's control, and the thought was unbearably humiliating and heavy on my mind. Escaping his pursuit, breaking free from his tyranny, were goals that consumed my entire being. Could no human creativity and effort achieve this? Did his power extend through all space, and could his gaze see through every hiding place? Was he like that mysterious entity we are warned could unleash mountains and hills for vengeance in vain? Nothing is more devastating and frightening than this. But for me, it wasn't a matter of reasoning or belief; I found no solace, neither from the disbelief some people have in religious matters nor from the distance and incomprehensibility of the idea: it was a matter of feeling; I could feel the tiger's claws sinking deep into my heart.
But though this impression was at first exceedingly strong, and accompanied with its usual attendants of dejection and pusillanimity, my mind soon began, as it were mechanically, to turn upon the consideration of the distance between this sea-port and my county prison, and the various opportunities of escape that might offer themselves in the interval. My first duty was to avoid betraying myself, more than it might afterwards appear I was betrayed already. It was possible that, though apprehended, my apprehension might have been determined on upon some slight score, and that, by my dexterity, I might render my dismission as sudden as my arrest had been. It was even possible that I had been seized through a mistake, and that the present measure might have no connection with Mr. Falkland's affair. Upon every supposition, it was my business to gain information. In my passage from the ship to the town I did not utter a word. My conductors commented on my sulkiness; but remarked that it would avail me nothing—I should infallibly swing, as it was never known that any body got off who was tried for robbing his majesty's mail. It is difficult to conceive the lightness of heart which was communicated to me by these words: I persisted however in the silence I had meditated. From the rest of their conversation, which was sufficiently voluble, I learned that the mail from Edinburgh to London had been robbed about ten days before by two Irishmen, that one of them was already secured, and that I was taken up upon suspicion of being the other. They had a description of his person, which, though, as I afterwards found, it disagreed from mine in several material articles, appeared to them to tally to the minutest tittle. The intelligence that the whole proceeding against me was founded in a mistake, took an oppressive load from my mind. I believed that I should immediately be able to establish my innocence, to the satisfaction of any magistrate in the kingdom; and though crossed in my plans, and thwarted in my design of quitting the island, even after I was already at sea, this was but a trifling inconvenience compared with what I had had but too much reason to fear.
But even though this feeling was really strong at first and came with the usual feelings of sadness and fear, my mind quickly shifted—almost automatically—to thinking about the distance between this port and my county jail, and the different chances for escape that might come up in between. My main task was to not give myself away any more than it might already seem I had. It was possible that, even though I was caught, my arrest might have been based on something minor, and that, with some cleverness, I could make my release happen as quickly as my capture. There was even a chance that I’d been taken by mistake, and that this situation had nothing to do with Mr. Falkland's case. In any scenario, I needed to gather information. During the trip from the ship to the town, I didn’t say a word. My captors commented on my sulkiness but noted that it wouldn’t help me—I would surely hang, since no one had ever escaped after being tried for robbing the royal mail. It’s hard to describe how light-hearted I felt upon hearing this: I kept to the silence I had planned. From the rest of their conversation, which was pretty lively, I learned that the mail from Edinburgh to London had been robbed about ten days earlier by two Irishmen, that one of them was already in custody, and that I was suspected of being the other. They had a description of the person, which, as I later discovered, didn’t match mine in several important ways, but to them, it seemed to fit down to the smallest detail. The realization that the whole case against me was based on a mistake really relieved me. I was confident that I could quickly prove my innocence to any magistrate in the country; and although my plans were ruined, and I was stopped from leaving the island even after I was already at sea, this seemed like a small inconvenience compared to what I had feared too much.
As soon as we came ashore, I was conducted to the house of a justice of peace, a man who had formerly been the captain of a collier, but who, having been successful in the world, had quitted this wandering life, and for some years had had the honour to represent his majesty's person. We were detained for some time in a sort of anti-room, waiting his reverence's leisure. The persons by whom I had been taken up were experienced in their trade, and insisted upon employing this interval in searching me, in presence of two of his worship's servants. They found upon me fifteen guineas and some silver. They required me to strip myself perfectly naked, that they might examine whether I had bank-notes concealed any where about my person. They took up the detached parcels of my miserable attire as I threw it from me, and felt them one by one, to discover whether the articles of which they were in search might by any device be sewn up in them. To all this I submitted without murmuring. It might probably come to the same thing at last; and summary justice was sufficiently coincident with my views, my principal object being to get as soon as possible out of the clutches of the respectable persons who now had me in custody.
As soon as we landed, I was taken to the house of a justice of the peace—a man who used to be the captain of a collier ship but had found success in life, leaving that wandering lifestyle behind, and had been honored to represent the king for several years. We were held for a while in a sort of waiting room, waiting for his reverence to be available. The people who had apprehended me were seasoned in their role and insisted on using this time to search me in front of two of his worship’s servants. They found fifteen guineas and some silver on me. They ordered me to strip completely naked so they could check for any hidden banknotes. They picked up the torn pieces of my ragged clothing as I discarded them and examined each one to see if anything might be hidden inside. I complied without complaint. It likely would end up being the same in the end; quick justice aligned with my goals, as my main objective was to get out of the grip of the respectable individuals who now held me.
This operation was scarcely completed, before we were directed to be ushered into his worship's apartment. My accusers opened the charge, and told him they had been ordered to this town, upon an intimation that one of the persons who robbed the Edinburgh mail was to be found here; and that they had taken me on board a vessel which was by this time under sail for Ireland. "Well," says his worship, "that is your story; now let us hear what account the gentleman gives of himself. What is your name—ha, sirrah? and from what part of Tipperary are you pleased to come?" I had already taken my determination upon this article; and the moment I learned the particulars of the charge against me, resolved, for the present at least, to lay aside my Irish accent, and speak my native tongue. This I had done in the very few words I had spoken to my conductors in the anti-room: they started at the metamorphosis; but they had gone too far for it to be possible they should retract, in consistence with their honour. I now told the justice that I was no Irishman, nor had ever been in that country: I was a native of England. This occasioned a consulting of the deposition in which my person was supposed to be described, and which my conductors had brought with them for their direction. To be sure, that required that the offender should be an Irishman.
This operation was barely finished when we were instructed to enter his worship's room. My accusers presented their case and told him they had been sent to this town after learning that one of the people who robbed the Edinburgh mail was here, and that they had taken me on board a ship that was already sailing for Ireland. "Well," says his worship, "that's your story; now let’s hear what the gentleman has to say for himself. What’s your name—speak up, sir? And from which part of Tipperary are you from?" I had already made a decision on this matter; as soon as I learned the details of the accusation against me, I resolved, at least for now, to drop my Irish accent and speak in my native tongue. I had done this in the few words I spoke to my escorts in the waiting area: they were taken aback by the change, but they had gone too far to backtrack without compromising their honor. I then told the justice that I was not Irish and had never been to that country; I was a native of England. This led to a review of the deposition that supposedly described me, which my escorts had brought for their reference. Indeed, it required that the offender be an Irishman.
Observing his worship hesitate, I thought this was the time to push the matter a little further. I referred to the paper, and showed that the description neither tallied as to height nor complexion. But then it did as to years and the colour of the hair; and it was not this gentleman's habit, as he informed me, to squabble about trifles, or to let a man's neck out of the halter for a pretended flaw of a few inches in his stature. "If a man were too short," he said, "there was no remedy like a little stretching." The miscalculation in my case happened to be the opposite way, but his reverence did not think proper to lose his jest. Upon the whole, he was somewhat at a loss how to proceed.
Seeing my boss hesitate, I figured it was the right moment to press the issue a bit more. I pointed to the paper and showed that the description didn’t match in height or skin tone. However, it did match in age and hair color; and he made it clear that he didn’t usually argue over small details or let someone off the hook for a supposed error of a few inches in their height. "If a guy is too short," he said, "there’s no better solution than a little stretching." In my case, the error was actually the opposite, but he didn’t think it was right to miss the joke. Overall, he was a bit unsure about how to move forward.
My conductors observed this, and began to tremble for the reward, which, two hours ago, they thought as good as in their own pocket. To retain me in custody they judged to be a safe speculation; if it turned out a mistake at last, they felt little apprehension of a suit for false imprisonment from a poor man, accoutred as I was, in rags. They therefore urged his worship to comply with their views. They told him that to be sure the evidence against me did not prove so strong as for their part they heartily wished it had, but that there were a number of suspicious circumstances respecting me. When I was brought up to them upon the deck of the vessel, I spoke as fine an Irish brogue as one shall hear in a summer's day; and now, all at once, there was not the least particle of it left. In searching me they had found upon me fifteen guineas, how should a poor beggar lad, such as I appeared, come honestly by fifteen guineas? Besides, when they had stripped me naked, though my dress was so shabby my skin had all the sleekness of a gentleman. In fine, for what purpose could a poor beggar, who had never been in Ireland in his life, want to transport himself to that country? It was as clear as the sun that I was no better than I should be. This reasoning, together with some significant winks and gestures between the justice and the plaintiffs, brought him over to their way of thinking. He said, I must go to Warwick, where it seems the other robber was at present in custody, and be confronted with him; and if then every thing appeared fair and satisfactory, I should be discharged.
My captors noticed this and started to worry about the reward, which, two hours ago, they thought was already in their hands. They believed keeping me in custody was a safe bet; even if it turned out to be a mistake, they felt unlikely to face a lawsuit for false imprisonment from a poor guy like me, dressed in rags. So, they urged the judge to go along with their plan. They told him that although the evidence against me wasn't as strong as they wished it was, there were plenty of suspicious circumstances surrounding me. When I was brought up on the deck of the ship, I spoke with a charming Irish accent, but suddenly, it was completely gone. During their search of me, they found fifteen guineas; how could a poor beggar, like I looked, possibly come by that honestly? Plus, when they stripped me of my tattered clothes, my skin was as smooth as a gentleman's. Finally, why would a poor beggar, who had never even been to Ireland, want to go there? It was clear as day that I was up to no good. This reasoning, combined with some knowing looks and gestures between the judge and the accusers, swayed him to their side. He said I had to go to Warwick, where it seemed the other robber was being held, and be confronted with him; and if everything looked fair and good, I would be released.
No intelligence could be more terrible than that which was contained in these words. That I, who had found the whole country in arms against me, who was exposed to a pursuit so peculiarly vigilant and penetrating, should now be dragged to the very centre of the kingdom, without power of accommodating myself to circumstances, and under the immediate custody of the officers of justice, seemed to my ears almost the same thing as if he had pronounced upon me a sentence of death! I strenuously urged the injustice of this proceeding. I observed to the magistrate, that it was impossible I should be the person at whom the description pointed. It required an Irishman; I was no Irishman. It described a person shorter than I; a circumstance of all others the least capable of being counterfeited. There was not the slightest reason for detaining me in custody. I had been already disappointed of my voyage, and lost the money I had paid, down, through the officiousness of these gentlemen in apprehending me. I assured his worship, that every delay, under my circumstances, was of the utmost importance to me. It was impossible to devise a greater injury to be inflicted on me, than the proposal that, instead of being permitted to proceed upon my voyage, I should be sent, under arrest, into the heart of the kingdom.
No intelligence could be more terrible than what was contained in these words. That I, who had found the entire country in arms against me, and who was facing a pursuit so incredibly vigilant and thorough, should now be dragged to the very center of the kingdom, without the ability to adapt to my situation, and under the direct watch of law enforcement officers, felt to me almost like a death sentence! I strongly argued against the injustice of this action. I pointed out to the magistrate that it was impossible for me to be the person described. It required an Irishman; I was not Irish. The description fit someone shorter than I was; a detail that was least likely to be faked. There was no reason at all to keep me in detention. I had already suffered disappointment in my travels and lost the money I had paid upfront due to these gentlemen's eagerness in apprehending me. I assured his honor that every delay, given my situation, was extremely significant to me. There could be no greater harm inflicted on me than being told that, instead of being allowed to continue on my journey, I should be sent, under arrest, into the heart of the kingdom.
My remonstrances were vain. The justice was by no means inclined to digest the being expostulated with in this manner by a person in the habiliments of a beggar. In the midst of my address he would have silenced me for my impertinence, but that I spoke with an earnestness with which he was wholly unable to contend. When I had finished, he told me it was all to no purpose, and that it might have been better for me, if I had shown myself less insolent. It was clear that I was a vagabond and a suspicious person. The more earnest I showed myself to get off, the more reason there was he should keep me fast. Perhaps, after all, I should turn out to be the felon in question. But, if I was not that, he had no doubt I was worse; a poacher, or, for what he knew, a murderer. He had a kind of a notion that he had seen my face before about some such affair; out of all doubt I was an old offender. He had it in his choice to send me to hard labour as a vagrant, upon the strength of my appearance and the contradictions in my story, or to order me to Warwick; and, out of the spontaneous goodness of his disposition, he chose the milder side of the alternative. He could assure me I should not slip through his fingers. It was of more benefit to his majesty's government to hang one such fellow as he suspected me to be, than, out of mistaken tenderness, to concern one's self for the good of all the beggars in the nation.
My protests were pointless. The judge was not at all willing to entertain being confronted like this by someone dressed like a beggar. In the middle of my speech, he would have shut me down for my rudeness, but I spoke with a passion he couldn't handle. When I finished, he told me it was all fruitless and that it might have been better if I had been less arrogant. It was obvious that I was a drifter and a questionable character. The more desperate I seemed to get away, the more reason he had to keep me locked up. Maybe I really was the criminal in question. But if I wasn’t, he still had no doubt I was worse; a poacher or possibly even a murderer. He had a vague idea that he had seen my face before related to something similar; without a doubt, I was a repeat offender. He could either send me to hard labor as a vagrant based on my appearance and the inconsistencies in my story or send me to Warwick; choosing to be lenient, he went with the softer option. He assured me that I wouldn’t slip through his grasp. It was more beneficial to the king's government to execute someone like him suspected me to be than, out of misguided kindness, to worry about the welfare of all the beggars in the country.
Finding it was impossible to work, in the way I desired, on a man so fully impressed with his own dignity and importance and my utter insignificance, I claimed that, at least, the money taken from my person should be restored to me. This was granted. His worship perhaps suspected that he had stretched a point in what he had already done, and was therefore the less unwilling to relax in this incidental circumstance. My conductors did not oppose themselves to this indulgence, for a reason that will appear in the sequel. The justice however enlarged upon his clemency in this proceeding. He did not know whether he was not exceeding the spirit of his commission in complying with my demand. So much money in my possession could not be honestly come by. But it was his temper to soften, as far as could be done with propriety, the strict letter of the law.
Finding it impossible to work with someone who thought so highly of his own importance and completely disregarded mine, I insisted that the money taken from me should be returned. He agreed. He might have suspected he was overstepping his authority in what he had already done, so he was more willing to make this exception. My escorts didn’t argue against this concession, for reasons that will become clear later. The judge, however, emphasized his kindness in this matter. He wasn't sure if he was going beyond the limits of his position by agreeing to my request. He felt that having so much money in my possession couldn’t have been obtained honestly. But it was his nature to soften the strictness of the law as much as was appropriate.
There were cogent reasons why the gentlemen who had originally taken me into custody, chose that I should continue in their custody when my examination was over. Every man is, in his different mode, susceptible to a sense of honour; and they did not choose to encounter the disgrace that would accrue to them, if justice had been done. Every man is in some degree influenced by the love of power; and they were willing I should owe any benefit I received, to their sovereign grace and benignity, and not to the mere reason of the case. It was not however an unsubstantial honour and barren power that formed the objects of their pursuit: no, their views were deeper than that. In a word, though they chose that I should retire from the seat of justice, as I had come before it, a prisoner, yet the tenor of my examination had obliged them, in spite of themselves, to suspect that I was innocent of the charge alleged against me. Apprehensive therefore that the hundred guineas which had been offered as a reward for taking the robber was completely out of the question in the present business, they were contented to strike at smaller game. Having conducted me to an inn, and given directions respecting a vehicle for the journey, they took me aside, while one of them addressed me in the following manner:—
There were solid reasons why the men who had initially arrested me decided I should remain in their custody after my questioning was finished. Every person, in their own way, has a sense of honor; they didn’t want to face the shame that would come if justice was truly served. Everyone is somewhat driven by the desire for power; they preferred that any advantages I gained came from their goodwill, not from the actual facts of the case. However, it wasn't just empty honor and pointless power they were after; their interests ran deeper than that. In short, even though they wanted me to leave the courtroom as a prisoner, just as I had entered, the nature of my questioning had forced them, against their will, to doubt the accusations against me. Knowing that the hundred guineas offered as a reward for capturing the robber were completely irrelevant to the current situation, they settled for targeting lesser concerns. After taking me to an inn and arranging for a vehicle for the journey, they pulled me aside, and one of them spoke to me in the following way:—
"You see, my lad, how the case stands: hey for Warwick is the word I and when we are got there, what may happen then I will not pretend for to say. Whether you are innocent or no is no business of mine; but you are not such a chicken as to suppose, if so be as you are innocent, that that will make your game altogether sure. You say your business calls you another way, and as how you are in haste: I scorns to cross any man in his concerns, if I can help it. If therefore you will give us them there fifteen shiners, why snug is the word. They are of no use to you; a beggar, you know, is always at home. For the matter of that, we could have had them in the way of business, as you saw, at the justice's. But I am a man of principle; I loves to do things above board, and scorns to extort a shilling from any man."
"You see, my friend, how things are: 'hey for Warwick' is what I say, and once we get there, who knows what might happen. Whether you’re innocent or not is none of my concern; but you’re not naive enough to think that if you are innocent, that will guarantee your safety. You say you have other business and that you’re in a hurry: I won't interfere with anyone’s matters if I can help it. So, if you give us those fifteen bucks, we’ll be good. They’re of no use to you; a beggar is always at home, you know. We could have taken them through proper channels, as you saw at the judge's office. But I’m a person of principle; I like to do things above board and won’t extort a penny from anyone."
He who is tinctured with principles of moral discrimination is apt upon occasion to be run away with by his feelings in that respect, and to forget the immediate interest of the moment. I confess, that the first sentiment excited in my mind by this overture was that of indignation. I was irresistibly impelled to give utterance to this feeling, and postpone for a moment the consideration of the future. I replied with the severity which so base a proceeding appeared to deserve. My bear-leaders were considerably surprised with my firmness, but seemed to think it beneath them to contest with me the principles I delivered. He who had made the overture contented himself with replying, "Well, well, my lad, do as you will; you are not the first man that has been hanged rather than part with a few guineas." His words did not pass unheeded by me. They were strikingly applicable to my situation, and I was determined not to suffer the occasion to escape me unimproved.
Someone who has a strong sense of moral judgment can occasionally be swept away by their feelings and forget about the immediate interests at hand. I admit that the first response I had to this proposal was one of anger. I felt a strong urge to express that emotion and put off thinking about the future for a moment. I replied with the seriousness that such a base action deserved. My mentors were quite surprised by my resolve, but they seemed to think it was beneath them to argue with me about the principles I stated. The person who made the proposal simply responded, "Well, well, my lad, do as you wish; you’re not the first person to be hanged rather than part with a few guineas." I didn’t ignore his words. They were remarkably relevant to my situation, and I was determined not to let the opportunity slip by.
The pride of these gentlemen however was too great to admit of further parley for the present. They left me abruptly; having first ordered an old man, the father of the landlady, to stay in the room with me while they were absent. The old man they ordered, for security, to lock the door, and put the key in his pocket; at the same time mentioning below stairs the station in which they had left me, that the people of the house might have an eye upon what went forward, and not suffer me to escape. What was the intention of this manoeuvre I am unable certainly to pronounce. Probably it was a sort of compromise between their pride and their avarice; being desirous, for some reason or other, to drop me as soon as convenient, and therefore determining to wait the result of my private meditations on the proposal they had made.
The pride of these gentlemen, however, was too strong to allow for any more discussion at that moment. They left me abruptly after instructing an old man, the landlady's father, to stay in the room with me while they were gone. They told the old man to lock the door for security and keep the key in his pocket; at the same time, they mentioned downstairs where they had left me so that the household could keep an eye on what was happening and ensure I didn’t escape. I can’t say for sure what their intention was with this move. It was probably some sort of compromise between their pride and greed, as they seemed eager to let me go as soon as it was convenient but decided to wait and see what I thought about their proposal.
CHAPTER VII.
They were no sooner withdrawn than I cast my eye upon the old man, and found something extremely venerable and interesting in his appearance. His form was above the middle size. It indicated that his strength had been once considerable; nor was it at this time by any means annihilated. His hair was in considerable quantity, and was as white as the drifted snow. His complexion was healthful and ruddy, at the same time that his face was furrowed with wrinkles. In his eye there was remarkable vivacity, and his whole countenance was strongly expressive of good-nature. The boorishness of his rank in society was lost in the cultivation his mind had derived from habits of sensibility and benevolence.
They had barely left when I looked at the old man and found something very dignified and interesting in his appearance. He was taller than average. It was clear that he had once been quite strong, and he still had some of that strength left. His hair was plentiful and as white as snow. His complexion was healthy and rosy, even though his face was lined with wrinkles. His eyes were full of life, and his whole face strongly showed kindness. The roughness of his social status was overshadowed by the refinement he had gained from his sensitivity and compassion.
The view of his figure immediately introduced a train of ideas into my mind, respecting the advantage to be drawn from the presence of such a person. The attempt to take any step without his consent was hopeless; for, though I should succeed with regard to him, he could easily give the alarm to other persons, who would, no doubt, be within call. Add to which, I could scarcely have prevailed on myself to offer any offence to a person whose first appearance so strongly engaged my affection and esteem. In reality my thoughts were turned into a different channel. I was impressed with an ardent wish to be able to call this man my benefactor. Pursued by a train of ill fortune, I could no longer consider myself as a member of society. I was a solitary being, cut off from the expectation of sympathy, kindness, and the good-will of mankind. I was strongly impelled, by the situation in which the present moment placed me, to indulge in a luxury which my destiny seemed to have denied. I could not conceive the smallest comparison between the idea of deriving my liberty from the spontaneous kindness of a worthy and excellent mind, and that of being indebted for it to the selfishness and baseness of the worst members of society. It was thus that I allowed myself in the wantonness of refinement, even in the midst of destruction.
Seeing his figure instantly sparked a series of thoughts in my mind about the benefits of having someone like him nearby. Trying to take any action without his approval felt pointless; even if I managed to handle him, he could easily alert others who would likely be close by. Besides, I could hardly bring myself to offend someone who instantly captured my affection and respect. In truth, my thoughts shifted to something else entirely. I was filled with a strong desire to call this man my benefactor. After enduring a series of misfortunes, I could no longer see myself as part of society. I felt like a lonely individual, cut off from the hope of sympathy, kindness, and goodwill from others. Given my situation at that moment, I felt compelled to indulge in a luxury that my fate seemed to have denied me. I couldn't compare the idea of gaining my freedom through the genuine kindness of a good and admirable person to the thought of being indebted to the selfishness and wrongdoing of society's worst. This is how I allowed myself to revel in the pleasure of refinement, even amid destruction.
Guided by these sentiments, I requested his attention to the circumstances by which I had been brought into my present situation. He immediately signified his assent, and said he would cheerfully listen to any thing I thought proper to communicate. I told him, the persons who had just left me in charge with him had come to this town for the purpose of apprehending some person who had been guilty of robbing the mail; that they had chosen to take me up under this warrant, and had conducted me before a justice of the peace; that they had soon detected their mistake, the person in question being an Irishman, and differing from me both in country and stature; but that, by collusion between them and the justice, they were permitted to retain me in custody, and pretended to undertake to conduct me to Warwick to confront me with my accomplice; that, in searching me at the justice's, they had found a sum of money in my possession which excited their cupidity, and that they had just been proposing to me to give me my liberty upon condition of my surrendering this sum into their hands. Under these circumstances, I requested him to consider, whether he would wish to render himself the instrument of their extortion. I put myself into his hands, and solemnly averred the truth of the facts I had just stated. If he would assist me in my escape, it could have no other effect than to disappoint the base passions of my conductors. I would upon no account expose him to any real inconvenience; but I was well assured that the same generosity that should prompt him to a good deed, would enable him effectually to vindicate it when done; and that those who detained me, when they had lost sight of their prey, would feel covered with confusion, and not dare to take another step in the affair.
Guided by these feelings, I asked him to pay attention to the situation that led me to be here. He quickly agreed and said he would gladly listen to whatever I thought was important to share. I explained that the individuals who had just left me with him had come to this town to apprehend someone who had robbed the mail; that they had decided to arrest me under this warrant and brought me before a justice of the peace; that they soon realized their mistake since the person they were after was an Irishman, who differed from me in both nationality and size; but through collusion between them and the justice, they were allowed to keep me in custody, pretending to take me to Warwick to confront my accomplice; that while searching me at the justice's office, they found some money in my possession that sparked their greed, and they had just proposed that I could gain my freedom if I handed this money over to them. Given these circumstances, I urged him to think about whether he wanted to be part of their extortion scheme. I put myself in his hands and solemnly affirmed the truth of what I had just outlined. If he would help me escape, it would only serve to thwart the selfish motives of my captors. I would never want to put him in any real trouble; but I was confident that the same generosity that would drive him to do a good deed would also empower him to defend it once it was done; and that those who were holding me, once they lost track of their target, would feel embarrassed and wouldn't dare to take further steps in the matter.
The old man listened to what I related with curiosity and interest. He said that he had always felt an abhorrence to the sort of people who had me in their hands; that he had an aversion to the task they had just imposed upon him, but that he could not refuse some little disagreeable offices to oblige his daughter and son-in-law. He had no doubt, from my countenance and manner, of the truth of what I had asserted to him. It was an extraordinary request I had made, and he did not know what had induced me to think him the sort of person to whom, with any prospect of success, it might be made. In reality however his habits of thinking were uncommon, and he felt more than half inclined to act as I desired. One thing at least he would ask of me in return, which was to be faithfully informed in some degree respecting the person he was desired to oblige. What was my name?
The old man listened to my story with curiosity and interest. He said he had always felt disgust for the type of people who had control over me; he had an aversion to the task they had just put on him, but he couldn’t refuse some minor unpleasant duties to help his daughter and son-in-law. He had no doubt, based on my expression and behavior, that what I had told him was true. It was an unusual request I had made, and he didn't understand why I thought he was the kind of person who could fulfill it with any chance of success. In reality, though, his way of thinking was unique, and he was more than half inclined to do as I asked. There was one thing he would request from me in return, which was to be honestly informed to some degree about the person he was asked to help. What was my name?
The question came upon me unprepared. But, whatever might be the consequence, I could not bear to deceive the person by whom it was put, and in the circumstances under which it was put. The practice of perpetual falsehood is too painful a task. I replied, that my name was Williams.
The question caught me off guard. But no matter what the outcome, I couldn't bring myself to lie to the person who asked it, especially given the situation. Constantly living a lie is just too hard. I answered that my name was Williams.
He paused. His eye was fixed upon me. I saw his complexion alter at the repetition of that word. He proceeded with visible anxiety.
He paused. His gaze was locked on me. I noticed his complexion change when he repeated that word. He continued with noticeable anxiety.
My Christian name?
My given name?
Caleb.
Caleb.
Good God! it could not be ----? He conjured me by every thing that was sacred to answer him faithfully to one question more. I was not—no, it was impossible—the person who had formerly lived servant with Mr. Falkland, of ----?
Good God! Could it really be ----? He urged me by everything holy to answer him truthfully to one more question. I was not—no, it was impossible—the person who had once been a servant for Mr. Falkland, of ----?
I told him that, whatever might be the meaning of his question, I would answer him truly. I was the individual he mentioned.
I told him that, no matter what his question meant, I would answer him honestly. I was the person he mentioned.
As I uttered these words the old man rose from his seat. He was sorry that fortune had been so unpropitious to him, as for him ever to have set eyes upon me! I was a monster with whom the very earth groaned!
As I said this, the old man stood up from his chair. He regretted that fate had been so unfair to him that he ever had to lay eyes on me! I was a monster that made the very earth groan!
I entreated that he would suffer me to explain this new misapprehension, as he had done in the former instance. I had no doubt that I should do it equally to his satisfaction.
I begged him to let me explain this new misunderstanding, just as he had in the past. I was sure I could do it just as satisfactorily.
No! no! no! he would upon no consideration admit, that his ears should suffer such contamination. This case and the other were very different. There was no criminal upon the face of the earth, no murderer, half so detestable as the person who could prevail upon himself to utter the charges I had done, by way of recrimination, against so generous a master.—The old man was in a perfect agony with the recollection.
No! No! No! He absolutely would not allow his ears to be tainted like that. This situation and the other were completely different. There was no one on this earth, no murderer, more horrible than someone who would dare to make the accusations I had thrown back at such a kind master. The old man was in complete agony just thinking about it.
At length he calmed himself enough to say, he should never cease to grieve that he had held a moment's parley with me. He did not know what was the conduct severe justice required of him; but, since he had come into the knowledge of who I was only by my own confession, it was irreconcilably repugnant to his feelings to make use of that knowledge to my injury. Here therefore all relation between us ceased; as indeed it would be an abuse of words to consider me in the light of a human creature. He would do me no mischief; but, on the other hand, he would not, for the world, be in any way assisting and abetting me.
Eventually, he calmed down enough to say that he would always regret having even a moment's conversation with me. He didn’t know what strict justice demanded of him; however, since he had learned who I was only through my own admission, it was completely against his principles to use that knowledge to harm me. So, at that point, our relationship ended; it would truly be a misuse of the term to regard me as a human being. He wouldn't harm me, but on the other hand, he wouldn’t want to help me in any way either.
I was inexpressibly affected at the abhorrence this good and benevolent creature expressed against me. I could not be silent; I endeavoured once and again to prevail upon him to hear me. But his determination was unalterable. Our contest lasted for some time, and he at length terminated it by ringing the bell, and calling up the waiter. A very little while after, my conductors entered, and the other persons withdrew.
I was incredibly affected by the disgust this kind and good-hearted person showed toward me. I couldn't stay quiet; I tried over and over to get him to listen to me. But his mind was made up. Our struggle went on for a while, and he finally ended it by ringing the bell and summoning the waiter. Shortly after, my escorts came in, and the others left.
It was a part of the singularity of my fate that it hurried me from one species of anxiety and distress to another, too rapidly to suffer any one of them to sink deeply into my mind. I am apt to believe, in the retrospect, that half the calamities I was destined to endure would infallibly have overwhelmed and destroyed me. But, as it was, I had no leisure to chew the cud upon misfortunes as they befel me, but was under the necessity of forgetting them, to guard against peril that the next moment seemed ready to crush me.
It was part of the uniqueness of my fate that it rushed me from one type of anxiety and distress to another, too quickly for any one of them to really sink in. Looking back, I tend to think that half the calamities I was meant to face would definitely have overwhelmed and defeated me. But, as it happened, I had no time to dwell on my misfortunes as they occurred; I had to forget them to protect myself from the danger that seemed ready to crush me at any moment.
The behaviour of this incomparable and amiable old man cut me to the heart. It was a dreadful prognostic for all my future life. But, as I have just observed, my conductors entered, and another subject called imperiously upon my attention. I could have been content, mortified as I was at this instant, to have been shut up in some impenetrable solitude, and to have wrapped myself in inconsolable misery. But the grief I endured had not such power over me as that I could be content to risk the being led to the gallows. The love of life, and still more a hatred against oppression, steeled my heart against that species of inertness. In the scene that had just passed I had indulged, as I have said, in a wantonness and luxury of refinement. It was time that indulgence should be brought to a period. It was dangerous to trifle any more upon the brink of fate; and, penetrated as I was with sadness by the result of my last attempt, I was little disposed to unnecessary circumambulation.
The behavior of this incredible and kind old man broke my heart. It was a terrifying sign for my entire future. But, as I just mentioned, my guides entered, and another topic demanded my attention. I could have been okay, even feeling humiliated at that moment, being locked away in some unreachable solitude and drowning in deep sadness. But the pain I felt didn’t stop me from wanting to avoid being led to the gallows. My love for life, and even more so my hatred of oppression, strengthened my resolve against that kind of passivity. In the scene that had just unfolded, I had indulged, as I noted, in a wild and luxurious refinement. It was time to put an end to that indulgence. It was risky to keep flirting with fate, and feeling overwhelmed by the outcome of my last attempt, I was not inclined to unnecessary wandering.
I was exactly in the temper in which the gentlemen who had me in their power would have desired to find me. Accordingly we entered immediately upon business; and, after some chaffering, they agreed to accept eleven guineas as the price of my freedom. To preserve however the chariness of their reputation, they insisted upon conducting me with them for a few miles on the outside of a stage-coach. They then pretended that the road they had to travel lay in a cross country direction; and, having quitted the vehicle, they suffered me, almost as soon as it was out of sight, to shake off this troublesome association, and follow my own inclinations. It may be worth remarking by the way, that these fellows outwitted themselves at their own trade. They had laid hold of me at first under the idea of a prize of a hundred guineas; they had since been glad to accept a composition of eleven: but if they had retained me a little longer in their possession, they would have found the possibility of acquiring the sum that had originally excited their pursuit, upon a different score.
I was in exactly the mood that the guys who had power over me would have wanted. So, we jumped right into negotiations, and after some bargaining, they agreed to let me go for eleven guineas. However, to keep up their reputation, they insisted on escorting me for a few miles on the outside of a stagecoach. Then, they pretended their route went off the main road; after they got out, they let me shake off this annoying situation almost as soon as the coach was out of sight and go my own way. It's interesting to note that these guys ended up outsmarting themselves. They initially captured me thinking I was worth a hundred guineas, but they settled for eleven instead. If they had held onto me a bit longer, they would have realized they could have made the original amount, but in a different way.
The mischances that had befallen me, in my late attempt to escape from my pursuers by sea, deterred me from the thought of repeating that experiment. I therefore once more returned to the suggestion of hiding myself, at least for the present, amongst the crowds of the metropolis. Meanwhile, I by no means thought proper to venture by the direct route, and the less so, as that was the course which would be steered by my late conductors; but took my road along the borders of Wales. The only incident worth relating in this place occurred in an attempt to cross the Severn in a particular point. The mode was by a ferry; but, by some strange inadvertence, I lost my way so completely as to be wholly unable that night to reach the ferry, and arrive at the town which I had destined for my repose.
The misfortunes I faced during my recent attempt to escape from my pursuers by sea made me think twice about trying that again. So, I went back to the idea of hiding out, at least for now, among the crowds in the city. In the meantime, I definitely decided against taking the direct route, especially since that was exactly where my former captors would be headed; instead, I took the scenic route along the Welsh borders. The only noteworthy event I’ll mention here happened when I tried to cross the Severn at a specific point. I intended to use a ferry, but due to some strange mistake, I completely lost my way and was unable to reach the ferry or the town I had planned to stay in that night.
This may seem a petty disappointment, in the midst of the overwhelming considerations that might have been expected to engross every thought of my mind. Yet it was borne by me with singular impatience. I was that day uncommonly fatigued. Previously to the time that I mistook, or at least was aware of the mistake of the road, the sky had become black and lowring, and soon after the clouds burst down in sheets of rain. I was in the midst of a heath, without a tree or covering of any sort to shelter me. I was thoroughly drenched in a moment. I pushed on with a sort of sullen determination. By and by the rain gave place to a storm of hail. The hail-stones were large and frequent. I was ill defended by the miserable covering I wore, and they seemed to cut me in a thousand directions. The hail-storm subsided, and was again succeeded by a heavy rain. By this time it was that I had perceived I was wholly out of my road. I could discover neither man nor beast, nor habitation of any kind. I walked on, measuring at every turn the path it would be proper to pursue, but in no instance finding a sufficient reason to reject one or prefer another. My mind was bursting with depression and anguish. I muttered imprecations and murmuring as I passed along. I was full of loathing and abhorrence of life, and all that life carries in its train. After wandering without any certain direction for two hours, I was overtaken by the night. The scene was nearly pathless, and it was vain to think of proceeding any farther.
This might seem like a minor letdown, especially given the many other thoughts that should have occupied my mind. Still, I felt it intensely. That day, I was unusually exhausted. Before I realized I had taken the wrong road, the sky had turned dark and foreboding, and soon after, the clouds unleashed a downpour. I found myself in the middle of a heath, without any trees or shelter around me. I was soaked in an instant. I continued on with a kind of grim determination. Eventually, the rain was replaced by a hailstorm. The hailstones were large and came down hard. My thin clothing offered little protection, and they felt like they were cutting into me from every direction. When the hail stopped, it quickly started pouring again. By this point, I realized I was completely lost. I couldn’t see any people, animals, or even buildings nearby. I kept walking, trying to figure out which path to take, but I couldn’t find a good reason to choose one direction over another. My mind was overwhelmed with sadness and despair. I cursed and grumbled to myself as I went along. I felt filled with hatred and disgust for life and everything that comes with it. After wandering aimlessly for two hours, night fell upon me. The landscape was nearly pathless, and it seemed pointless to think about going any further.
Here I was, without comfort, without shelter, and without food. There was not a particle of my covering that was not as wet as if it had been fished from the bottom of the ocean. My teeth chattered. I trembled in every limb. My heart burned with universal fury. At one moment I stumbled and fell over some unseen obstacle; at another I was turned back by an impediment I could not overcome.
Here I was, without comfort, without shelter, and without food. Every part of my clothing was as soaked as if it had been pulled from the bottom of the ocean. My teeth were chattering. I was shaking all over. My heart was filled with anger. At one moment I tripped and fell over some hidden obstruction; the next moment I was stopped by an obstacle I couldn't get past.
There was no strict connection between these casual inconveniences and the persecution under which I laboured. But my distempered thoughts confounded them together. I cursed the whole system of human existence. I said, "Here I am, an outcast, destined to perish with hunger and cold. All men desert me. All men hate me. I am driven with mortal threats from the sources of comfort and existence. Accursed world! that hates without a cause, that overwhelms innocence with calamities which ought to be spared even to guilt! Accursed world! dead to every manly sympathy; with eyes of horn, and hearts of steel! Why do I consent to live any longer? Why do I seek to drag on an existence, which, if protracted, must be protracted amidst the lairs of these human tigers?"
There was no real connection between these minor annoyances and the persecution I was enduring. But my troubled thoughts mixed them together. I cursed the entire system of human life. I said, “Here I am, an outcast, doomed to suffer from hunger and cold. Everyone is abandoning me. Everyone hates me. I’m being chased away from the sources of comfort and life itself. Damn this world! It hates for no reason, burdening the innocent with suffering that should be spared even to the guilty! Damn this world! Callous to any sense of brotherhood; with eyes like stone, and hearts of steel! Why do I continue to live? Why do I try to drag out an existence that, if it continues, must be spent among these human beasts?”
This paroxysm at length exhausted itself. Presently after, I discovered a solitary shed, which I was contented to resort to for shelter. In a corner of the shed I found some clean straw. I threw off my rags, placed them in a situation where they would best be dried, and buried myself amidst this friendly warmth. Here I forgot by degrees the anguish that had racked me. A wholesome shed and fresh straw may seem but scanty benefits; but they offered themselves when least expected, and my whole heart was lightened by the encounter. Through fatigue of mind and body, it happened in this instance, though in general my repose was remarkably short, that I slept till almost noon of the next day. When I rose, I found that I was at no great distance from the ferry, which I crossed, and entered the town where I intended to have rested the preceding night.
This outburst eventually calmed down. Shortly after, I found a lonely shed, which I was happy to use for shelter. In one corner of the shed, I discovered some clean straw. I removed my tattered clothes, laid them out where they would dry best, and wrapped myself in the warmth of the straw. Here, I gradually forgot the pain that had tormented me. A simple shed and fresh straw might seem like minimal comforts, but they came to me when I least expected it, and my spirits were lifted by this lucky find. Due to exhaustion of both mind and body, I ended up sleeping longer than usual, nearly until noon the next day. When I got up, I realized I was not far from the ferry, which I crossed to enter the town where I had planned to rest the night before.
It was market-day. As I passed near the cross, I observed two people look at me with great earnestness: after which one of them exclaimed, "I will be damned if I do not think that this is the very fellow those men were enquiring for who set off an hour ago by the coach for ----." I was extremely alarmed at this information; and, quickening my pace, turned sharp down a narrow lane. The moment I was out of sight I ran with all the speed I could exert, and did not think myself safe till I was several miles distant from the place where this information had reached my ears. I have always believed that the men to whom it related were the very persons who had apprehended me on board the ship in which I had embarked for Ireland; that, by some accident, they had met with the description of my person as published on the part of Mr. Falkland; and that, from putting together the circumstances, they had been led to believe that this was the very individual who had lately been in their custody. Indeed it was a piece of infatuation in me, for which I am now unable to account, that, after the various indications which had occurred in that affair, proving to them that I was a man in critical and peculiar circumstances, I should have persisted in wearing the same disguise without the smallest alteration. My escape in the present case was eminently fortunate. If I had not lost my way in consequence of the hail-storm on the preceding night, or if I had not so greatly overslept myself this very morning, I must almost infallibly have fallen into the hands of these infernal blood-hunters.
It was market day. As I walked near the cross, I noticed two people looking at me intently. One of them suddenly shouted, "I’ll be damned if I don’t think this is the very guy those men were asking about who left an hour ago by coach for ----." I was extremely alarmed by this news, and quickening my pace, I took a sharp turn down a narrow lane. As soon as I was out of sight, I ran as fast as I could and didn’t feel safe until I was several miles away from where I had heard this information. I have always believed that the men in question were the same ones who had arrested me on the ship I took to Ireland; that somehow, they had come across a description of me published by Mr. Falkland; and that, by piecing together the details, they had come to think that I was the same person they had recently held. It was truly foolish of me, and I can’t explain why after all the signs that showed I was in a very delicate and unusual situation, I continued to wear the same disguise without any change. My escape in this instance was incredibly lucky. If I hadn't gotten lost because of the hailstorm the night before, or if I hadn't overslept this morning, I would almost certainly have fallen into the hands of those damned hunters.
The town they had chosen for their next stage, the name of which I had thus caught in the market-place, was the town to which, but for this intimation, I should have immediately proceeded. As it was, I determined to take a road as wide of it as possible. In the first place to which I came, in which it was practicable to do so, I bought a great coat, which I drew over my beggar's weeds, and a better hat. The hat I slouched over my face, and covered one of my eyes with a green-silk shade. The handkerchief, which I had hitherto worn about my head, I now tied about the lower part of my visage, so as to cover my mouth. By degrees I discarded every part of my former dress, and wore for my upper garment a kind of carman's frock, which, being of the better sort, made me look like the son of a reputable farmer of the lower class. Thus equipped, I proceeded on my journey, and, after a thousand alarms, precautions, and circuitous deviations from the direct path, arrived safely in London.
The town they had picked for their next stop, the name of which I caught in the market, was the town I would have gone to right away if I hadn’t heard that. Instead, I decided to take a route that was as far away from it as possible. In the first place I got to where it was doable, I bought a big coat that I pulled over my ragged clothes and a nicer hat. I tilted the hat down over my face and covered one of my eyes with a green silk shade. The handkerchief I had been wearing around my head, I now tied around the lower part of my face to cover my mouth. Gradually, I got rid of every part of my old outfit and wore a kind of carman’s frock that was of good quality, making me look like the son of a respectable lower-class farmer. With this new look, I continued my journey, and after countless scares, precautions, and detours from the direct route, I finally arrived safely in London.
CHAPTER VIII.
Here then was the termination of an immense series of labours, upon which no man could have looked back without astonishment, or forward without a sentiment bordering on despair. It was at a price which defies estimation that I had purchased this resting-place; whether we consider the efforts it had cost me to escape from the walls of my prison, or the dangers and anxieties to which I had been a prey, from that hour to the present.
Here was the end of a huge series of efforts, which no one could reflect on without amazement, or look ahead to without feeling close to hopelessness. I had paid an unimaginable price for this resting place; whether we think about the struggles it took to break free from my prison, or the risks and worries I had faced from that moment until now.
But why do I call the point at which I was now arrived at a resting-place? Alas, it was diametrically the reverse! It was my first and immediate business to review all the projects of disguise I had hitherto conceived, to derive every improvement I could invent from the practice to which I had been subjected, and to manufacture a veil of concealment more impenetrable than ever. This was an effort to which I could see no end. In ordinary cases the hue and cry after a supposed offender is a matter of temporary operation; but ordinary cases formed no standard for the colossal intelligence of Mr. Falkland. For the same reason, London, which appears an inexhaustible reservoir of concealment to the majority of mankind, brought no such consolatory sentiment to my mind. Whether life were worth accepting on such terms I cannot pronounce. I only know that I persisted in this exertion of my faculties, through a sort of parental love that men are accustomed to entertain for their intellectual offspring; the more thought I had expended in rearing it to its present perfection, the less did I find myself disposed to abandon it. Another motive, not less strenuously exciting me to perseverance, was the ever-growing repugnance I felt to injustice and arbitrary power.
But why do I call the point I’ve just reached a resting place? Unfortunately, it was exactly the opposite! My first task was to review all the disguise plans I had come up with so far, to take every improvement I could think of from the experiences I had been through, and to create a disguise that was even more impenetrable than before. This was an effort that I saw as endless. In ordinary situations, the hunt for a supposed offender is a temporary matter; however, ordinary situations were no match for the enormous intelligence of Mr. Falkland. For the same reason, London, which seems to be an endless source of hiding places for most people, brought no comforting thoughts to my mind. Whether life was worth living under such conditions, I cannot say. I just know that I kept at this effort out of a kind of parental love that people usually have for their intellectual creations; the more thought I had put into developing it to its current state of perfection, the less I felt inclined to give it up. Another strong motivation pushing me to keep going was the growing disgust I felt toward injustice and arbitrary power.
The first evening of my arrival in town I slept at an obscure inn in the borough of Southwark, choosing that side of the metropolis, on account of its lying entirely wide of the part of England from which I came. I entered the inn in the evening in my countryman's frock; and, having paid for my lodging before I went to bed, equipped myself next morning as differently as my wardrobe would allow, and left the house before day. The frock I made up into a small packet, and, having carried it to a distance as great as I thought necessary, I dropped it in the corner of an alley through which I passed. My next care was to furnish myself with another suit of apparel, totally different from any to which I had hitherto had recourse. The exterior which I was now induced to assume was that of a Jew. One of the gang of thieves upon ---- forest, had been of that race; and by the talent of mimicry, which I have already stated myself to possess, I could copy their pronunciation of the English language, sufficiently to answer such occasions as were likely to present themselves. One of the preliminaries I adopted, was to repair to a quarter of the town in which great numbers of this people reside, and study their complexion and countenance. Having made such provision as my prudence suggested to me, I retired for that night to an inn in the midway between Mile-end and Wapping. Here I accoutred myself in my new habiliments; and, having employed the same precautions as before, retired from my lodging at a time least exposed to observation. It is unnecessary to describe the particulars of my new equipage; suffice it to say, that one of my cares was to discolour my complexion, and give it the dun and sallow hue which is in most instances characteristic of the tribe to which I assumed to belong; and that when my metamorphosis was finished, I could not, upon the strictest examination, conceive that any one could have traced out the person of Caleb Williams in this new disguise.
The first night after I arrived in town, I stayed at a run-down inn in Southwark, choosing that part of the city because it was completely different from the area of England I came from. I entered the inn in the evening wearing my country clothes. After paying for my room before going to bed, I got myself ready the next morning in the most different outfit my wardrobe could provide and left the place before dawn. I rolled up my frock into a small bundle and, after walking a good distance, I dropped it in a corner of an alley I passed through. My next goal was to get another outfit that was completely different from anything I had worn before. The look I decided to adopt was that of a Jew. One of the thieves from ---- forest belonged to that group, and thanks to my talent for mimicry, which I’ve mentioned before, I could imitate their English pronunciation well enough for the situations I expected to face. One of the first things I did was to head to an area of town where many of them lived to observe their skin tone and features. After making the necessary preparations, I spent that night at an inn halfway between Mile-end and Wapping. Here, I dressed in my new attire and, taking similar precautions as before, left my room at a time that was least noticeable. There’s no need to go into details about my new outfit; I’ll just mention that one of my main considerations was to alter my complexion to give it the dark and sallow color typical of the group I was trying to blend in with. When my transformation was complete, I honestly couldn’t believe that anyone could have recognized Caleb Williams in this new disguise.
Thus far advanced in the execution of my project. I deemed it advisable to procure a lodging, and change my late wandering life for a stationary one. In this lodging I constantly secluded myself from the rising to the setting of the sun; the periods I allowed for exercise and air were few, and those few by night. I was even cautious of so much as approaching the window of my apartment, though upon the attic story; a principle I laid down to myself was, not wantonly and unnecessarily to expose myself to risk, however slight that risk might appear.
At this point in my project, I thought it would be wise to get a place to live and swap my recent wandering lifestyle for a more settled one. In this place, I kept myself isolated from sunrise to sunset; I only allowed myself very limited time for exercise and fresh air, and even that was mostly at night. I was careful not to even get close to the window of my apartment, even though it was on the top floor; I had made it a rule for myself not to expose myself to any risk, no matter how minor it might seem.
Here let me pause for a moment, to bring before the reader, in the way in which it was impressed upon my mind, the nature of my situation. I was born free: I was born healthy, vigorous, and active, complete in all the lineaments and members of a human body. I was not born indeed to the possession of hereditary wealth; but I had a better inheritance, an enterprising mind, an inquisitive spirit, a liberal ambition. In a word, I accepted my lot with willingness and content; I did not fear but I should make my cause good in the lists of existence. I was satisfied to aim at small things; I was pleased to play at first for a slender stake; I was more willing to grow than to descend in my individual significance.
Here, let me take a moment to share with the reader, in the way it hit me, the nature of my situation. I was born free; I was born healthy, strong, and active, fully formed in all the aspects of a human body. I wasn’t born into inherited wealth, but I had a better foundation: a driven mind, a curious spirit, and an ambitious outlook. In short, I accepted my circumstances with willingness and contentment; I had no doubt that I could make my way in life. I was content to aim for small goals; I was happy to start with modest stakes; I was more eager to grow than to diminish in my personal significance.
The free spirit and the firm heart with which I commenced, one circumstance was sufficient to blast. I was ignorant of the power which the institutions of society give to one man over others; I had fallen unwarily into the hands of a person who held it as his fondest wish to oppress and destroy me.
The free spirit and strong heart with which I began, one thing was enough to ruin. I didn’t understand the power that society’s institutions give one person over another; I had unwittingly fallen into the hands of someone whose greatest desire was to oppress and ruin me.
I found myself subjected, undeservedly on my part, to all the disadvantages which mankind, if they reflected upon them, would hesitate to impose on acknowledged guilt. In every human countenance I feared to find the countenance of an enemy. I shrunk from the vigilance of every human eye. I dared not open my heart to the best affections of our nature. I was shut up, a deserted, solitary wretch, in the midst of my species. I dared not look for the consolations of friendship; but, instead of seeking to identify myself with the joys and sorrows of others, and exchanging the delicious gifts of confidence and sympathy, was compelled to centre my thoughts and my vigilance in myself. My life was all a lie. I had a counterfeit character to support. I had counterfeit manners to assume. My gait, my gestures, my accents, were all of them to be studied. I was not free to indulge, no not one, honest sally of the soul. Attended with these disadvantages, I was to procure myself a subsistence, a subsistence to be acquired with infinite precautions, and to be consumed without the hope of enjoyment.
I found myself unfairly facing all the disadvantages that people, if they thought about it, would hesitate to impose on those who are truly guilty. I feared that in every person’s face, I would see the face of an enemy. I shrank away from the scrutiny of every human eye. I couldn’t open my heart to the best feelings of our nature. I was shut away, a deserted, lonely wretch, among my fellow humans. I didn’t dare to look for the comforts of friendship; instead of trying to connect with others' joys and sorrows and sharing the beautiful gifts of trust and understanding, I was forced to focus all my thoughts and attention on myself. My life was a complete lie. I had to uphold a false identity. I had to adopt fake manners. My walk, my gestures, my tone—all had to be carefully practiced. I wasn’t free to express even one genuine outburst of my true self. With all these burdens, I had to find a way to survive, a survival that required endless caution and would be lived without any hope of enjoyment.
This, even this, I was determined to endure; to put my shoulder to the burthen, and support it with unshrinking firmness. Let it not however be supposed that I endured it without repining and abhorrence. My time was divided between the terrors of an animal that skulks from its pursuers, the obstinacy of unshrinking firmness, and that elastic revulsion that from time to time seems to shrivel the very hearts of the miserable. If at some moments I fiercely defied all the rigours of my fate, at others, and those of frequent recurrence, I sunk into helpless despondence. I looked forward without hope through the series of my existence, tears of anguish rushed from my eyes, my courage became extinct, and I cursed the conscious life that was reproduced with every returning day.
This, even this, I was determined to bear; to take on the burden and support it with unwavering strength. However, let it not be thought that I faced it without resentment and disgust. My time was split between the fears of an animal hiding from its pursuers, the stubbornness of unwavering strength, and that overwhelming despair that occasionally feels like it shrinks the very hearts of the wretched. If at some moments I boldly challenged all the harshness of my fate, at other times, which happened often, I fell into hopeless despair. I looked ahead without any hope through the course of my life, tears of anguish streamed down my face, my courage faded away, and I cursed the awareness of living that returned with each new day.
"Why," upon such occasions I was accustomed to exclaim, "why am I overwhelmed with the load of existence? Why are all these engines at work to torment me? I am no murderer; yet, if I were, what worse could I be fated to suffer? How vile, squalid, and disgraceful is the state to which I am condemned! This is not my place in the roll of existence, the place for which either my temper or my understanding has prepared me! To what purpose serve the restless aspirations of my soul, but to make me, like a frighted bird, beat myself in vain against the enclosure of my cage? Nature, barbarous nature! to me thou hast proved indeed the worst of step-mothers; endowed me with wishes insatiate, and sunk me in never-ending degradation!"
"Why," I often found myself shouting during those moments, "why am I crushed by the burden of existence? Why are all these forces working to torment me? I'm not a murderer; yet, if I were, what worse could I be doomed to endure? How disgusting, dirty, and shameful is the state I've been forced into! This is not where I belong in the fabric of existence, not the place my personality or my mind have prepared me for! What good are the restless longings of my soul, except to make me, like a scared bird, futilely crash against the bars of my cage? Nature, cruel nature! You have truly been the worst of step-mothers to me; you’ve given me unquenchable desires and plunged me into constant misery!"
I might have thought myself more secure if I had been in possession of money upon which to subsist. The necessity of earning for myself the means of existence, evidently tended to thwart the plan of secrecy to which I was condemned. Whatever labour I adopted, or deemed myself qualified to discharge, it was first to be considered how I was to be provided with employment, and where I was to find an employer or purchaser for my commodities. In the mean time I had no alternative. The little money with which I had escaped from the blood-hunters was almost expended.
I might have felt more secure if I had some money to live on. The need to earn my own living definitely got in the way of the secret plan I was stuck with. Whatever job I took on or thought I could do, I had to figure out how to find work and where I could get an employer or buyer for what I offered. In the meantime, I had no other options. The little money I had managed to escape from the hunters was almost gone.
After the minutest consideration I was able to bestow upon this question. I determined that literature should be the field of my first experiment. I had read of money being acquired in this way, and of prices given by the speculators in this sort of ware to its proper manufacturers. My qualifications I esteemed at a slender valuation. I was not without a conviction that experience and practice must pave the way to excellent production. But, though of these I was utterly destitute, my propensities had always led me in this direction; and my early thirst of knowledge had conducted me to a more intimate acquaintance with books, than could perhaps have been expected under my circumstances. If my literary pretensions were slight, the demand I intended to make upon them was not great. All I asked was a subsistence; and I was persuaded few persons could subsist upon slenderer means than myself. I also considered this as a temporary expedient, and hoped that accident or time might hereafter place me in a less precarious situation. The reasons that principally determined my choice were, that this employment called upon me for the least preparation, and could, as I thought, be exercised with least observation.
After thinking carefully about this question, I decided that literature would be the area for my first experiment. I had heard about people making money this way and the prices that speculators paid to the actual creators of this type of work. I didn’t think very highly of my qualifications. I strongly believed that experience and practice were necessary for great production. However, even though I had none of that, my interests had always led me in this direction, and my early desire for knowledge had given me a closer relationship with books than might have been expected given my situation. While my literary skills were modest, the demands I planned to place on them were not too high. All I wanted was enough money to get by, and I was convinced that few people could manage on less than I could. I also viewed this as a temporary solution, hoping that eventually, circumstances or time would put me in a more stable position. The main reasons that influenced my choice were that this job required the least preparation and, I thought, could be done with the least attention from others.
There was a solitary woman, of middle age, who tenanted a chamber in this house, upon the same floor with my own. I had no sooner determined upon the destination of my industry than I cast my eye upon her as the possible instrument for disposing of my productions. Excluded as I was from all intercourse with my species in general, I found pleasure in the occasional exchange of a few words with this inoffensive and good-humoured creature, who was already of an age to preclude scandal. She lived upon a very small annuity, allowed her by a distant relation, a woman of quality, who, possessed of thousands herself, had no other anxiety with respect to this person than that she should not contaminate her alliance by the exertion of honest industry. This humble creature was of a uniformly cheerful and active disposition, unacquainted alike with the cares of wealth and the pressure of misfortune. Though her pretensions were small, and her information slender, she was by no means deficient in penetration. She remarked the faults and follies of mankind with no contemptible discernment; but her temper was of so mild and forgiving a cast, as would have induced most persons to believe that she perceived nothing of the matter. Her heart overflowed with the milk of kindness. She was sincere and ardent in her attachments, and never did she omit a service which she perceived herself able to render to a human being.
There was a middle-aged woman who lived in a room on the same floor as mine in this house. As soon as I decided on the purpose of my work, I thought of her as a possible way to share what I created. Since I was cut off from socializing with others, I enjoyed our occasional chats. She was a harmless and friendly person, and her age made her beyond any gossip. She survived on a small annuity provided by a distant relative, a wealthy woman who, despite having plenty of money, only worried that this woman wouldn’t tarnish her reputation by working honestly. This simple woman was consistently cheerful and active, unaware of the troubles that come with wealth or hardship. Although her background was modest and her knowledge limited, she was far from lacking in insight. She noticed the flaws and foolishness of people with a clear understanding but had such a gentle and forgiving nature that many would think she was oblivious to it all. Her heart was full of kindness. She was genuine and passionate in her relationships and never missed a chance to help anyone in need.
Had it not been for these qualifications of temper, I should probably have found that my appearance, that of a deserted, solitary lad, of Jewish extraction, effectually precluded my demands upon her kindness. But I speedily perceived, from her manner of receiving and returning civilities of an indifferent sort, that her heart was too noble to have its effusions checked by any base and unworthy considerations. Encouraged by these preliminaries, I determined to select her as my agent. I found her willing and alert in the business I proposed to her. That I might anticipate occasions of suspicion, I frankly told her that, for reasons which I wished to be excused from relating, but which, if related, I was sure would not deprive me of her good opinion, I found it necessary, for the present, to keep myself private. With this statement she readily acquiesced, and told me that she had no desire for any further information than I found it expedient to give.
If it weren't for these personality traits, I probably would have thought that my appearance as a lonely, abandoned boy of Jewish descent would totally undermine my requests for her kindness. But I quickly realized, based on how she received and responded to polite gestures, that her heart was too generous to let any petty or unworthy thoughts hold her back. Encouraged by this understanding, I decided to choose her as my ally. I found her eager and attentive to the task I proposed. To prevent any misunderstandings, I honestly explained that, for reasons I preferred not to discuss—though I was sure they wouldn't diminish her opinion of me—I needed to keep a low profile for now. She agreed without hesitation and said she didn't want any more information than what I felt comfortable sharing.
My first productions were of the poetical kind. After having finished two or three, I directed this generous creature to take them to the office of a newspaper; but they were rejected with contempt by the Aristarchus of that place, who, having bestowed on them a superficial glance, told her that such matters were not in his way. I cannot help mentioning in this place, that the countenance of Mrs. Marney (this was the name of my ambassadress) was in all cases a perfect indication of her success, and rendered explanation by words wholly unnecessary. She interested herself so unreservedly in what she undertook, that she felt either miscarriage or good fortune much more exquisitely than I did. I had an unhesitating confidence in my own resources, and, occupied as I was in meditations more interesting and more painful, I regarded these matters as altogether trivial.
My first works were poetry. After finishing two or three, I asked this kind woman to take them to a newspaper office, but they were dismissed with disdain by the editor there, who, after a quick look, told her that such things weren’t his focus. I have to mention that Mrs. Marney (that was the name of my representative) always showed her feelings on her face, which made it pointless for her to explain the outcome with words. She was so fully invested in whatever she did that she experienced both failure and success much more intensely than I did. I had complete faith in my own abilities, and, being absorbed in thoughts that were more engaging and painful, I considered these matters completely insignificant.
I quietly took the pieces back, and laid them upon my table. Upon revisal, I altered and transcribed one of them, and, joining it with two others, despatched them together to the editor of a magazine. He desired they might be left with him till the day after to-morrow. When that day came he told my friend they should be inserted; but, Mrs. Marney asking respecting the price, he replied, it was their constant rule to give nothing for poetical compositions, the letter-box being always full of writings of that sort; but if the gentleman would try his hand in prose, a short essay or a tale, he would see what he could do for him.
I quietly took the pieces back and laid them on my table. After reviewing them, I made some changes and rewrote one of them. Then I combined it with two others and sent them all together to the magazine editor. He asked to keep them until the day after tomorrow. When that day came, he told my friend they would be published; however, when Mrs. Marney inquired about the payment, he replied that it was their usual policy not to pay for poetry since their inbox was always full of that kind of writing. But he suggested that if the gentleman could write something in prose, like a short essay or a story, he would see what he could do for him.
With the requisition of my literary dictator I immediately complied. I attempted a paper in the style of Addison's Spectators, which was accepted. In a short time I was upon an established footing in this quarter. I however distrusted my resources in the way of moral disquisition, and soon turned my thoughts to his other suggestion, a tale. His demands upon me were now frequent, and, to facilitate my labours, I bethought myself of the resource of translation. I had scarcely any convenience with respect to the procuring of books; but, as my memory was retentive, I frequently translated or modelled my narrative upon a reading of some years before. By a fatality, for which I did not exactly know how to account, my thoughts frequently led me to the histories of celebrated robbers; and I related, from time to time, incidents and anecdotes of Cartouche, Gusman d'Alfarache, and other memorable worthies, whose career was terminated upon the gallows or the scaffold.
At the request of my literary boss, I immediately complied. I tried my hand at a piece in the style of Addison's Spectators, which was accepted. Before long, I was well established in this area. However, I doubted my abilities when it came to moral discussions, and soon shifted my focus to his other suggestion, a story. His requests for my work became more frequent, and to make things easier, I thought about using translation. I had very few resources for obtaining books, but since my memory was strong, I often translated or modeled my story based on something I had read years ago. By some twist of fate, which I couldn’t quite explain, I often found myself drawn to the stories of famous robbers; and I shared, from time to time, incidents and anecdotes about Cartouche, Gusman d'Alfarache, and other notable figures whose lives ended at the gallows or the scaffold.
In the mean time a retrospect to my own situation rendered a perseverance even in this industry difficult to be maintained. I often threw down my pen in an ecstasy of despair. Sometimes for whole days together I was incapable of action, and sunk into a sort of partial stupor, too wretched to be described. Youth and health however enabled me, from time to time, to get the better of my dejection, and to rouse myself to something like a gaiety, which, if it had been permanent, might have made this interval of my story tolerable to my reflections.
In the meantime, looking back at my own situation made it hard to keep pushing through, even with this work. I often dropped my pen in a fit of despair. Sometimes, I would be unable to do anything for days, slipping into a sort of partial daze, feeling too miserable to put into words. However, my youth and health allowed me, every so often, to rise above my sadness and feel something like happiness, which, if it had lasted, could have made this part of my story somewhat bearable for me.
CHAPTER IX.
While I was thus endeavouring to occupy and provide for the intermediate period, till the violence of the pursuit after me might be abated, a new source of danger opened upon me of which I had no previous suspicion.
While I was trying to keep myself occupied and safe during this time, waiting for the intensity of the pursuit after me to lessen, a new threat emerged that I had never expected.
Gines, the thief who had been expelled from Captain Raymond's gang, had fluctuated, during the last years of his life, between the two professions of a violator of the laws and a retainer to their administration. He had originally devoted himself to the first; and probably his initiation in the mysteries of thieving qualified him to be peculiarly expert in the profession of a thief-taker—a profession he had adopted, not from choice, but necessity. In this employment his reputation was great, though perhaps not equal to his merits; for it happens here as in other departments of human society, that, however the subalterns may furnish wisdom and skill, the principals exclusively possess the éclat. He was exercising this art in a very prosperous manner, when it happened, by some accident, that one or two of his achievements previous to his having shaken off the dregs of unlicensed depredation were in danger of becoming subjects of public attention. Having had repeated intimations of this, he thought it prudent to decamp; and it was during this period of his retreat that he entered into the ---- gang.
Gines, the thief who had been kicked out of Captain Raymond's gang, had spent the last years of his life bouncing between being a lawbreaker and working for the law. He started off as a criminal, and his experience in thievery likely made him particularly skilled at being a bounty hunter—a job he took on out of necessity rather than choice. In this role, he gained a solid reputation, though it might not fully reflect his capabilities; it's often the case in society that while the underlings may be the ones with the real knowledge and skill, the higher-ups enjoy the glory. He was doing quite well in this line of work when, by some chance, one or two of his past crimes before leaving his life of theft were at risk of attracting public attention. After receiving multiple warnings about this, he decided it was wise to leave town; it was during this time of hiding that he joined the ---- gang.
Such was the history of this man antecedently to his being placed in the situation in which I had first encountered him. At the time of that encounter he was a veteran of Captain Raymond's gang; for thieves being a short-lived race, the character of veteran costs the less time in acquiring. Upon his expulsion from this community he returned once more to his lawful profession, and by his old comrades was received with congratulation as a lost sheep. In the vulgar classes of society no length of time is sufficient to expiate a crime; but among the honourable fraternity of thief-takers it is a rule never to bring one of their own brethren to a reckoning when it can with any decency be avoided. They are probably reluctant to fix an unnecessary stain upon the ermine of their profession. Another rule observed by those who have passed through the same gradation as Gines had done, and which was adopted by Gines himself, is always to reserve such as have been the accomplices of their depredations to the last, and on no account to assail them without great necessity or powerful temptation. For this reason, according to Gines's system of tactics, Captain Raymond and his confederates were, as he would have termed it, safe from his retaliation.
This was the man's background before I first met him. At that time, he was a veteran of Captain Raymond's gang; thieves have a short lifespan, so it doesn’t take long to earn that title. After being kicked out of this group, he returned to his legal profession and was welcomed back by his old friends like a lost sheep. In lower classes of society, no amount of time can erase a crime, but among the respectable group of bounty hunters, it’s a principle not to hold one of their own accountable if it can be avoided. They likely want to keep their profession’s reputation intact. Another rule followed by those who have been through the same ranks as Gines, which Gines himself adhered to, is to always hold off on confronting those who participated in their crimes until absolutely necessary or when strongly tempted. For this reason, according to Gines's strategy, Captain Raymond and his associates were, as he would say, safe from his revenge.
But, though Gines was, in this sense of the term, a man of strict honour, my case unfortunately did not fall within the laws of honour he acknowledged. Misfortune had overtaken me, and I was on all sides without protection or shelter. The persecution to which I was exposed was founded upon the supposition of my having committed felony to an immense amount. But in this Gines had had no participation; he was careless whether the supposition were true or false, and hated me as much as if my innocence had been established beyond the reach of suspicion.
But even though Gines was, in that sense, a man of strict honor, my situation unfortunately didn’t fit within the rules of honor he recognized. I was facing misfortune and had no protection or shelter. The persecution I was undergoing was based on the assumption that I had committed a serious crime. However, Gines had no part in this; he didn’t care whether the assumption was true or false and hated me just as much as if I had been proven innocent beyond any doubt.
The blood-hunters who had taken me into custody at ----, related, as usual among their fraternity, a part of their adventure, and told of the reason which inclined them to suppose, that the individual who had passed through their custody, was the very Caleb Williams for whose apprehension a reward had been offered of a hundred guineas. Gines, whose acuteness was eminent in the way of his profession, by comparing facts and dates, was induced to suspect in his own mind, that Caleb Williams was the person he had hustled and wounded upon ---- forest. Against that person he entertained the bitterest aversion. I had been the innocent occasion of his being expelled with disgrace from Captain Raymond's gang; and Gines, as I afterwards understood, was intimately persuaded that there was no comparison between the liberal and manly profession of a robber from which I had driven him, and the sordid and mechanical occupation of a blood-hunter, to which he was obliged to return. He no sooner received the information I have mentioned than he vowed revenge. He determined to leave all other objects, and consecrate every faculty of his mind to the unkennelling me from my hiding-place. The offered reward, which his vanity made him consider as assuredly his own, appeared as the complete indemnification of his labour and expense. Thus I had to encounter the sagacity he possessed in the way of his profession, whetted and stimulated by a sentiment of vengeance, in a mind that knew no restraint from conscience or humanity.
The blood-hunters who had taken me into custody at ---- shared, as usual among their group, part of their adventure and explained why they believed that the person who had gone through their custody was Caleb Williams, for whose capture a reward of a hundred guineas had been offered. Gines, whose sharpness was notable in his line of work, came to suspect that Caleb Williams was the individual he had pushed and wounded in ---- forest. He harbored a deep hatred for that person. I had been the innocent reason for his disgraceful expulsion from Captain Raymond's gang, and Gines, as I later learned, firmly believed there was no comparison between the noble and honorable profession of a robber from which I had driven him and the grim and mechanical job of a blood-hunter, to which he was forced to return. No sooner did he get this information than he vowed revenge. He decided to abandon all other pursuits and dedicate every ounce of his energy to tracking me down. The reward, which his ego made him think was certainly his, seemed like complete compensation for his efforts and expenses. Thus, I had to face his sharp skills in his profession, sharpened and fueled by a desire for revenge, in a mind unrestrained by conscience or humanity.
When I drew to myself a picture of my situation soon after having fixed on my present abode, I foolishly thought, as the unhappy are accustomed to do, that my calamity would admit of no aggravation. The aggravation which, unknown to me, at this time occurred was the most fearful that any imagination could have devised. Nothing could have happened more critically hostile to my future peace, than my fatal encounter with Gines upon ---- forest. By this means, as it now appears, I had fastened upon myself a second enemy, of that singular and dreadful sort that is determined never to dismiss its animosity as long as life shall endure. While Falkland was the hungry lion whose roarings astonished and appalled me, Gines was a noxious insect, scarcely less formidable and tremendous, that hovered about my goings, and perpetually menaced me with the poison of his sting.
When I envisioned my situation soon after settling into my current home, I naively believed, as those who are unhappy often do, that my misfortune couldn't get any worse. The worsening that, unbeknownst to me, was happening at that time was the most terrifying that anyone could imagine. Nothing could have been more critically damaging to my future peace than my fateful encounter with Gines in ---- forest. This incident, as it turns out, gave me a second enemy of that unique and dreadful kind that is determined to hold onto its hatred for as long as I live. While Falkland was the hungry lion whose roars terrified me, Gines was a toxic insect, nearly as intimidating and fearsome, that lingered around me and constantly threatened me with the poison of his sting.
The first step pursued by him in execution of his project, was to set out for the sea-port town where I had formerly been apprehended. From thence he traced me to the banks of the Severn, and from the banks of the Severn to London. It is scarcely necessary to observe that this is always practicable, provided the pursuer have motives strong enough to excite him to perseverance, unless the precautions of the fugitive be, in the highest degree, both judicious in the conception, and fortunate in the execution. Gines indeed, in the course of his pursuit, was often obliged to double his steps; and, like the harrier, whenever he was at a fault, return to the place where he had last perceived the scent of the animal whose death he had decreed. He spared neither pains nor time in the gratification of the passion, which choice had made his ruling one.
The first step he took to carry out his plan was to head to the seaport town where I had been caught before. From there, he tracked me to the banks of the Severn and then from the Severn to London. It's pretty clear that this is always possible, as long as the pursuer has strong enough reasons to keep going, unless the fugitive has really smart precautions in place and gets lucky in the execution. Gines, during his pursuit, often had to retrace his steps and, like a hound, whenever he lost the trail, would go back to where he last caught the scent of the person he was determined to find. He didn't hold back on time or effort to satisfy the passion that had become his driving force.
Upon my arrival in town he for a moment lost all trace of me, London being a place in which, on account of the magnitude of its dimensions, it might well be supposed that an individual could remain hidden and unknown. But no difficulty could discourage this new adversary. He went from inn to inn (reasonably supposing that there was no private house to which I could immediately repair), till he found, by the description he gave, and the recollections he excited, that I had slept for one night in the borough of Southwark. But he could get no further information. The people of the inn had no knowledge what had become of me the next morning.
When I got to town, he briefly lost track of me, since London is so big that it seems possible for someone to stay hidden and unnoticed. But this new opponent wasn't easily discouraged. He went from one inn to another, thinking there was no private home I could go to right away, until he figured out, based on his description and the memories he stirred up, that I had stayed for one night in Southwark. However, he couldn't find out anything more. The inn staff had no idea what happened to me the next morning.
This however did but render him more eager in the pursuit. The describing me was now more difficult, on account of the partial change of dress I had made the second day of my being in town. But Gines at length overcame the obstacle from that quarter.
This, however, only made him more determined in his pursuit. Describing me became trickier because of the slight change in outfit I had made the second day of my time in town. But Gines eventually got past that obstacle.
Having traced me to my second inn, he was here furnished with a more copious information. I had been a subject of speculation for the leisure hours of some of the persons belonging to this inn. An old woman, of a most curious and loquacious disposition, who lived opposite to it, and who that morning rose early to her washing, had espied me from her window, by the light of a large lamp which hung over the inn, as I issued from the gate. She had but a very imperfect view of me, but she thought there was something Jewish in my appearance. She was accustomed to hold a conference every morning with the landlady of the inn, some of the waiters and chambermaids occasionally assisting at it. In the course of the dialogue of this morning, she asked some questions about the Jew who had slept there the night before. No Jew had slept there. The curiosity of the landlady was excited in her turn. By the time of the morning it could be no other but me. It was very strange! They compared notes respecting my appearance and dress. No two things could be more dissimilar. The Jew Christian, upon any dearth of subjects of intelligence, repeatedly furnished matter for their discourse.
After tracking me down to my second inn, he got a lot more information here. I had been a topic of interest during the downtime of some of the people at this inn. An old woman, extremely curious and chatty, who lived across the street and had gotten up early to do her laundry that morning, spotted me from her window by the light of a big lamp hanging over the inn as I walked out the gate. She only got a brief glimpse of me, but she thought there was something Jewish about my looks. She usually had a chat every morning with the inn's landlady, occasionally joined by some of the waiters and housekeepers. During their conversation that morning, she asked some questions about the Jew who had stayed there the night before. No Jew had actually stayed there. The landlady became curious too. At that time of day, it could only have been me. It was very strange! They compared notes on my appearance and outfit. No two descriptions could have been more different. The Jew Christian often provided them with something to discuss when they ran out of topics.
The information thus afforded to Gines appeared exceedingly material. But the performance did not for some time keep pace with the promise. He could not enter every private house into which lodgers were ever admitted, in the same manner that he had treated the inns. He walked the streets, and examined with a curious and inquisitive eye the countenance of every Jew about my stature; but in vain. He repaired to Duke's Place and the synagogues. It was not here that in reality he could calculate upon finding me; but he resorted to those means in despair, and as a last hope. He was more than once upon the point of giving up the pursuit; but he was recalled to it by an insatiable and restless appetite for revenge.
The information given to Gines seemed really important. However, his efforts didn’t seem to match the promise for a while. He couldn't enter every private home that took in lodgers like he did with the inns. He wandered the streets, observing every Jewish person around my height with a curious and probing gaze, but it was useless. He went to Duke's Place and the synagogues. He knew that he wouldn’t actually find me there, but he turned to those places out of desperation and as a last resort. More than once, he almost gave up the search, but he was pulled back in by an unquenchable and restless desire for revenge.
It was during this perturbed and fluctuating state of his mind, that he chanced to pay a visit to a brother of his, who was the head-workman of a printing-office. There was little intercourse between these two persons, their dispositions and habits of life being extremely dissimilar. The printer was industrious, sober, inclined to methodism, and of a propensity to accumulation. He was extremely dissatisfied with the character and pursuits of his brother, and had made some ineffectual attempts to reclaim him. But, though they by no means agreed in their habits of thinking, they sometimes saw each other. Gines loved to boast of as many of his achievements as he dared venture to mention; and his brother was one more hearer, in addition to the set of his usual associates. The printer was amused with the blunt sagacity of remark and novelty of incident that characterised Gines's conversation. He was secretly pleased, in spite of all his sober and church-going prejudices, that he was brother to a man of so much ingenuity and fortitude.
It was during this unsettled and changing state of mind that he happened to visit a brother of his, who was the head workman at a printing office. There wasn't much interaction between the two, as their personalities and lifestyles were very different. The printer was hardworking, serious, inclined toward religion, and had a tendency to save. He was quite unhappy with his brother's character and lifestyle and had made a few unsuccessful attempts to change him. But even though they didn't see eye to eye on many things, they did occasionally get together. Gines liked to brag about as many of his accomplishments as he felt comfortable mentioning, and his brother was just another listener, in addition to his usual group of friends. The printer was entertained by the straightforward wisdom and unique stories that characterized Gines's conversation. He was secretly pleased, despite all his serious and church-going beliefs, to be the brother of a man with such creativity and courage.
After having listened for some time upon this occasion to the wonderful stories which Gines, in his rugged way, condescended to tell, the printer felt an ambition to entertain his brother in his turn. He began to retail some of my stories of Cartouche and Gusman d'Alfarache. The attention of Gines was excited. His first emotion was wonder; his second was envy and aversion. Where did the printer get these stories? This question was answered. "I will tell you what," said the printer, "we none of us know what to make of the writer of these articles. He writes poetry, and morality, and history: I am a printer, and corrector of the press, and may pretend without vanity to be a tolerably good judge of these matters: he writes them all to my mind extremely fine; and yet he is no more than a Jew." [To my honest printer this seemed as strange, as if they had been written by a Cherokee chieftain at the falls of the Mississippi.]
After listening for a while to the amazing stories that Gines, in his rough way, decided to share, the printer felt inspired to entertain his brother in return. He started sharing some of my tales about Cartouche and Gusman d'Alfarache. Gines was intrigued. His first reaction was wonder; his second was jealousy and dislike. Where did the printer get these stories? This question was answered. "Let me tell you," said the printer, "none of us really know what to make of the writer of these pieces. He writes poetry, morals, and history: I’m a printer and proofreader, and I can say without being boastful that I'm a fairly good judge of these things: he writes them all quite remarkably; and yet, he’s just a Jew." [To my honest printer, this seemed as strange as if they had been written by a Cherokee chieftain at the falls of the Mississippi.]
"A Jew! How do you know? Did you ever see him?"
"A Jew! How do you know? Have you ever seen him?"
"No; the matter is always brought to us by a woman. But my master hates mysteries; he likes to see his authors himself. So he plagues and plagues the old woman; but he can never get any thing out of her, except that one day she happened to drop that the young gentleman was a Jew."
"No, it’s always a woman who brings us the issue. But my boss hates mysteries; he prefers to meet his authors in person. So he constantly pesters the old woman, but he can never get anything out of her, except that one day she casually mentioned that the young man was a Jew."
A Jew! a young gentleman! a person who did every thing by proxy, and made a secret of all his motions! Here was abundant matter for the speculations and suspicions of Gines. He was confirmed in them, without adverting to the process of his own mind, by the subject of my lucubrations,—men who died by the hand of the executioner. He said little more to his brother, except asking, as if casually, what sort of an old woman this was? of what age she might be? and whether she often brought him materials of this kind? and soon after took occasion to leave him. It was with vast pleasure that Gines had listened to this unhoped-for information. Having collected from his brother sufficient hints relative to the person and appearance of Mrs. Marney, and understanding that he expected to receive something from me the next day, Gines took his stand in the street early, that he might not risk miscarriage by negligence. He waited several hours, but not without success. Mrs. Marney came; he watched her into the house; and after about twenty minutes delay, saw her return. He dogged her from street to street; observed her finally enter the door of a private house; and congratulated himself upon having at length arrived at the consummation of his labours.
A Jew! A young guy! Someone who did everything through others and kept all his actions a secret! This gave Gines plenty to speculate and suspect about. He was convinced, without thinking too much about it, by the topic of my thoughts—men who were executed. He said little else to his brother, only casually asking what kind of old woman she was, how old she might be, and if she often brought him stuff like this. Shortly after, he found a reason to leave him. Gines was extremely pleased to hear this unexpected news. After getting enough hints from his brother about Mrs. Marney’s looks and demeanor, and knowing he was supposed to get something from me the next day, Gines positioned himself in the street early to avoid messing up due to carelessness. He waited for several hours, but it paid off. Mrs. Marney showed up; he followed her into the house and, after about twenty minutes, saw her come back out. He tracked her from street to street and finally saw her enter a private home; he congratulated himself for finally reaching the goal of his efforts.
The house she entered was not her own habitation. By a sort of miraculous accident she had observed Gines following her in the street. As she went home she saw a woman who had fallen down in a fainting fit. Moved by the compassion that was ever alive in her, she approached her, in order to render her assistance. Presently a crowd collected round them. Mrs. Marney, having done what she was able, once more proceeded homewards. Observing the crowd round her, the idea of pickpockets occurred to her mind; she put her hands to her sides, and at the same time looked round upon the populace. She had left the circle somewhat abruptly; and Gines, who had been obliged to come nearer, lest he should lose her in the confusion, was at that moment standing exactly opposite to her. His visage was of the most extraordinary kind; habit had written the characters of malignant cunning and dauntless effrontery in every line of his face; and Mrs. Marney, who was neither philosopher nor physiognomist, was nevertheless struck. This good woman, like most persons of her notable character, had a peculiar way of going home, not through the open streets, but by narrow lanes and alleys, with intricate insertions and sudden turnings. In one of these, by some accident, she once again caught a glance of her pursuer. This circumstance, together with the singularity of his appearance, awakened her conjectures. Could he be following her? It was the middle of the day, and she could have no fears for herself. But could this circumstance have any reference to me? She recollected the precautions and secrecy I practised, and had no doubt that I had reasons for what I did. She recollected that she had always been upon her guard respecting me; but had she been sufficiently so? She thought that, if she should be the means of any mischief to me, she should be miserable for ever. She determined therefore, by way of precaution in case of the worst, to call at a friend's house, and send me word of what had occurred. Having instructed her friend, she went out immediately upon a visit to a person in the exactly opposite direction, and desired her friend to proceed upon the errand to me, five minutes after she left the house. By this prudence she completely extricated me from the present danger.
The house she entered wasn’t her own. By some miraculous chance, she had noticed Gines following her in the street. On her way home, she saw a woman who had collapsed in a faint. Driven by the compassion that was always in her heart, she approached to help. Soon, a crowd gathered around them. After doing what she could, Mrs. Marney continued on home. Noticing the crowd, the thought of pickpockets crossed her mind; she placed her hands on her hips and glanced around at the people. She had left the scene rather abruptly, and Gines, who had to get closer so he wouldn’t lose her in the commotion, was standing directly across from her at that moment. His face was exceptionally striking; it bore the marks of malicious cunning and bold audacity in every line. Although Mrs. Marney wasn’t a philosopher or a student of faces, she was still taken aback. This good woman, like many others of her character, preferred to take a winding route home, avoiding the main streets and opting for narrow lanes and alleys with sudden turns. In one of these, by chance, she caught another glimpse of her stalker. This, along with his unusual look, sparked her suspicions. Could he be following her? It was midday, so she felt safe, but could this somehow relate to me? She remembered the precautions I always took and believed I had my reasons. She recalled that she had always been cautious about me, but had she been cautious enough? If she were to somehow bring harm my way, she would feel miserable forever. So, she decided, as a precaution, to stop by a friend’s house and let me know what happened. After briefing her friend, she set off immediately to visit someone in the opposite direction and asked her friend to reach out to me five minutes after she left. With this careful plan, she completely freed me from the immediate danger.
Meantime the intelligence that was brought me by no means ascertained the greatness of the peril. For any thing I could discover in it the circumstance might be perfectly innocent, and the fear solely proceed from the over-caution and kindness of this benevolent and excellent woman. Yet, such was the misery of my situation, I had no choice. For this menace or no menace, I was obliged to desert my habitation at a minute's warning, taking with me nothing but what I could carry in my hand; to see my generous benefactress no more; to quit my little arrangements and provision; and to seek once again, in some forlorn retreat, new projects, and, if of that I could have any rational hope, a new friend. I descended into the street with a heavy, not an irresolute heart. It was broad day. I said, persons are at this moment supposed to be roaming the street in search of me: I must not trust to the chance of their pursuing one direction, and I another. I traversed half a dozen streets, and then dropped into an obscure house of entertainment for persons of small expense. In this house I took some refreshment, passed several hours of active but melancholy thinking, and at last procured a bed. As soon however as it was dark I went out (for this was indispensable) to purchase the materials of a new disguise. Having adjusted it as well as I could during the night, I left this asylum, with the same precautions that I had employed in former instances.
In the meantime, the information I received didn’t really confirm how serious the danger was. From what I could tell, the situation might be completely harmless, and my fear could just be due to the over-caution and kindness of this generous and wonderful woman. Still, because of how miserable my situation was, I had no choice. Whether there was a threat or not, I had to leave my home on a moment's notice, taking only what I could carry in my hands; I wouldn’t see my kind benefactor again, I had to abandon my little plans and supplies, and once more seek a lonely refuge to come up with new ideas and, if I could manage it, find a new friend. I stepped into the street with a heavy but determined heart. It was broad daylight. I thought, people are probably out there looking for me right now: I can’t rely on the chance that they’ll follow one path while I take another. I walked through half a dozen streets and then dropped into a low-cost inn. There, I had some food, spent several hours lost in active but sad thoughts, and finally got a bed. However, as soon as it was dark, I went out (as this was necessary) to buy the materials for a new disguise. I adjusted it as well as I could during the night and then left this shelter, using the same precautions I had taken before.
CHAPTER X.
I procured a new lodging. By some bias of the mind, it may be, gratifying itself with images of peril, I inclined to believe that Mrs. Marney's alarm had not been without foundation. I was however unable to conjecture through what means danger had approached me; and had therefore only the unsatisfactory remedy of redoubling my watch upon all my actions. Still I had the joint considerations pressing upon me of security and subsistence. I had some small remains of the produce of my former industry; but this was but small, for my employer was in arrear with me, and I did not choose in any method to apply to him for payment. The anxieties of my mind, in spite of all my struggles, preyed upon my health. I did not consider myself as in safety for an instant. My appearance was wasted to a shadow; and I started at every sound that was unexpected. Sometimes I was half tempted to resign myself into the hands of the law, and brave its worst; but resentment and indignation at those times speedily flowed back upon my mind, and re-animated my perseverance.
I found a new place to stay. Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but I started to think that Mrs. Marney's fears had some truth to them. However, I couldn't figure out how danger had come close to me, so I only had the frustrating option of keeping a closer eye on everything I did. I was still weighed down by the need to feel safe and also to make a living. I had a little bit of money left from my previous work, but it wasn’t much, since my employer still owed me some pay, and I didn’t want to ask him for it. Despite my efforts, the worries in my mind were taking a toll on my health. I never felt truly safe, and I looked like a shadow of my former self, jumping at every unexpected sound. At times, I felt tempted to just give myself up to the law and face whatever came, but anger and resentment quickly returned to me, fueling my determination.
I knew no better resource with respect to subsistence than that I had employed in the former instance, of seeking some third person to stand between me and the disposal of my industry. I might find an individual ready to undertake this office in my behalf; but where should I find the benevolent soul of Mrs. Marney? The person I fixed upon was a Mr. Spurrel, a man who took in work from the watchmakers, and had an apartment upon our second floor. I examined him two or three times with irresolute glances, as we passed upon the stairs, before I would venture to accost him. He observed this, and at length kindly invited me into his apartment.
I didn’t know of any better way to make a living than the method I had tried before, which was to find someone else to manage my work for me. I might be able to find someone willing to take on this role, but where would I find someone as kind-hearted as Mrs. Marney? The person I decided on was Mr. Spurrel, a man who did work for the watchmakers and had an apartment on our second floor. I looked him over a couple of times with hesitant glances as we passed each other on the stairs, before I dared to approach him. He noticed this and eventually kindly invited me into his apartment.
Being seated, he condoled with me upon my seeming bad health, and the solitary mode of my living, and wished to know whether he could be of any service to me. "From the first moment he saw me, he had conceived an affection for me." In my present disguise I appeared twisted and deformed, and in other respects by no means an object of attraction. But it seemed Mr. Spurrel had lost an only son about six months before, and I was "the very picture of him." If I had put off my counterfeited ugliness, I should probably have lost all hold upon his affections. "He was now an old man," as he observed, "just dropping into the grave, and his son had been his only consolation. The poor lad was always ailing, but he had been a nurse to him; and the more tending he required while he was alive, the more he missed him now he was dead. Now he had not a friend, nor any body that cared for him, in the whole world. If I pleased, I should be instead of that son to him, and he would treat me in all respects with the same attention and kindness."
Sitting down, he expressed his sympathy for my apparent poor health and the lonely way I lived, and he wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help me. "From the very first time he saw me, he had developed a fondness for me." In my current disguise, I looked twisted and deformed, and in other ways, I wasn’t exactly appealing. But it turned out Mr. Spurrel had lost his only son about six months ago, and I looked "just like him." If I had taken off my fake ugliness, I probably would have lost all his affection. "He was now an old man," as he mentioned, "on the brink of the grave, and his son had been his only source of comfort. The poor kid was always sick, but he had cared for him; and the more attention he needed when he was alive, the more he missed him now that he was gone. Now, he didn’t have a friend or anyone who cared about him in the entire world. If I wanted, I could take the place of that son for him, and he would treat me with the same care and kindness."
I expressed my sense of these benevolent offers, but told him that I should be sorry to be in any way burthensome to him. "My ideas at present led me to a private and solitary life, and my chief difficulty was to reconcile this with some mode of earning necessary subsistence. If he would condescend to lend me his assistance in smoothing this difficulty, it would be the greatest benefit he could confer on me." I added, that "my mind had always had a mechanical and industrious turn, and that I did not doubt of soon mastering any craft to which I seriously applied myself. I had not been brought up to any trade; but, if he would favour me with his instructions, I would work with him as long as he pleased for a bare subsistence. I knew that I was asking of him an extraordinary kindness; but I was urged on the one hand by the most extreme necessity, and encouraged on the other by the persuasiveness of his friendly professions."
I shared my appreciation for his generous offers but told him that I would hate to be a burden to him. "Right now, I'm inclined towards a private and solitary life, and my main challenge is finding a way to earn the money I need to live. If you could help me figure this out, it would be the biggest favor you could do for me." I also mentioned that "I’ve always had a knack for mechanical tasks and a strong work ethic, and I’m confident I could quickly learn any craft I seriously dedicated myself to. I wasn’t raised in any trade, but if you would guide me, I’d be willing to work with you for just enough to get by. I know I’m asking for an unusual favor, but I’m driven by desperate circumstances and encouraged by your friendly offers."
The old man dropped some tears over my apparent distress, and readily consented to every thing I proposed. Our agreement was soon made, and I entered upon my functions accordingly. My new friend was a man of a singular turn of mind. Love of money, and a charitable officiousness of demeanour, were his leading characteristics. He lived in the most penurious manner, and denied himself every indulgence. I entitled myself almost immediately, as he frankly acknowledged, to some remuneration for my labours, and accordingly he insisted upon my being paid. He did not however, as some persons would have done under the circumstance, pay me the whole amount of my earnings, but professed to subtract from them twenty per cent, as an equitable consideration for instruction, and commission-money in procuring me a channel for my industry. Yet he frequently shed tears over me, was uneasy in every moment of our indispensable separation, and exhibited perpetual tokens of attachment and fondness. I found him a man of excellent mechanical contrivance, and received considerable pleasure from his communications. My own sources of information were various; and he frequently expressed his wonder and delight in the contemplation of my powers, as well of amusement as exertion.
The old man shed a few tears over my apparent distress and quickly agreed to everything I suggested. We reached an agreement soon, and I began my duties accordingly. My new friend had a unique way of thinking. His main traits were a love of money and a helpful, caring attitude. He lived in an extremely frugal manner and denied himself any luxuries. I felt I deserved some payment for my work, and he openly acknowledged that, insisting I should be compensated. However, unlike others in his position, he didn't pay me the full amount I earned. Instead, he said he needed to take away twenty percent as a fair fee for his guidance and as commission for finding me opportunities for my work. Still, he often cried over me, was anxious about our necessary separations, and showed constant signs of affection and attachment. I discovered that he was excellent at mechanical problem-solving and enjoyed learning from him. I had various sources of information, and he often expressed his amazement and joy at seeing my abilities, both for fun and work.
Thus I appeared to have attained a situation not less eligible than in my connection with Mrs. Marney. I was however still more unhappy. My fits of despondence were deeper, and of more frequent recurrence. My health every day grew worse; and Mr. Spurrel was not without apprehensions that he should lose me, as he before lost his only son.
Thus, it seemed I had reached a situation that was just as good as my connection with Mrs. Marney. However, I was even more unhappy. My bouts of despair were more intense and happened more often. My health deteriorated daily; and Mr. Spurrel was increasingly worried that he might lose me, just like he lost his only son.
I had not been long however in this new situation, before an incident occurred which filled me with greater alarm and apprehension than ever. I was walking out one evening, after a long visitation of languor, for an hour's exercise and air, when my ears were struck with two or three casual sounds from the mouth of a hawker who was bawling his wares. I stood still to inform myself more exactly, when, to my utter astonishment and confusion, I heard him deliver himself nearly in these words: "Here you have the MOST WONDERFUL AND SURPRISING HISTORY AND MIRACULOUS ADVENTURES OF CALEB WILLIAMS: you are informed how he first robbed, and then brought false accusations against his master; as also of his attempting divers times to break out of prison, till at last he effected his escape in the most wonderful and uncredible manner; as also of his travelling the kingdom in various disguises, and the robberies he committed with a most desperate and daring gang of thieves; and of his coming up to London, where it is supposed he now lies concealed; with a true and faithful copy of the hue and cry printed and published by one of his Majesty's most principal secretaries of state, offering a reward of one hundred guineas for apprehending him. All for the price of one halfpenny."
I hadn't been in this new situation for long when something happened that filled me with more fear and anxiety than ever before. I was out for a walk one evening, after feeling lethargic for a while, to get some exercise and fresh air when I heard a few random sounds from a hawker shouting about his goods. I paused to figure out what was going on, and to my complete surprise and embarrassment, I heard him say something like: "Here you have the MOST WONDERFUL AND SURPRISING HISTORY AND MIRACULOUS ADVENTURES OF CALEB WILLIAMS: you will learn how he first robbed his master and then falsely accused him; about his multiple attempts to escape from prison until he finally made a miraculous and unbelievable getaway; as well as his journeys across the kingdom in different disguises and the robberies he committed with a bold and reckless group of thieves; and how he came to London, where it is thought he is now hiding; along with a true and accurate copy of the wanted poster printed by one of his Majesty's top secretaries of state, offering a reward of one hundred guineas for his capture. All for the price of one halfpenny."
Petrified as I was at these amazing and dreadful sounds, I had the temerity to go up to the man and purchase one of his papers. I was desperately resolved to know the exact state of the fact, and what I had to depend upon. I carried it with me a little way, till, no longer able to endure the tumult of my impatience, I contrived to make out the chief part of its contents, by the help of a lamp, at the upper end of a narrow passage. I found it contain a greater number of circumstances than could have been expected in this species of publication, I was equalled to the most notorious housebreaker in the art of penetrating through walls and doors, and to the most accomplished swindler in plausibleness, duplicity, and disguise. The hand-bill which Larkins had first brought to us upon the forest was printed at length. All my disguises, previously to the last alarm that had been given me by the providence of Mrs. Marney, were faithfully enumerated; and the public were warned to be upon their watch against a person of an uncouth and extraordinary appearance, and who lived in a recluse and solitary manner. I also learned from this paper that my former lodgings had been searched on the very evening of my escape, and that Mrs. Marney had been sent to Newgate, upon a charge of misprision of felony.—This last circumstance affected me deeply. In the midst of my own sufferings my sympathies flowed undiminished. It was a most cruel and intolerable idea, if I were not only myself to be an object of unrelenting persecution, but my very touch were to be infectious, and every one that succoured me was to be involved in the common ruin. My instant feeling was that of a willingness to undergo the utmost malice of my enemies, could I by that means have saved this excellent woman from alarm and peril.—I afterwards learned that Mrs. Marney was delivered from confinement, by the interposition of her noble relation.
Frozen with fear at these amazing and terrifying sounds, I had the nerve to approach the man and buy one of his papers. I was determined to know the real situation and what I could rely on. I carried it with me for a short distance until I could no longer bear the chaos of my impatience. I managed to read the main parts of its contents with the help of a lamp at the far end of a narrow passage. It contained more details than I would have expected from this type of publication. I was compared to the most infamous burglar in the skill of breaking through walls and doors, and to the most skilled con artist in charm, deceit, and disguise. The handbill that Larkins had first brought to us in the forest was printed in full. All my disguises, before the last panic triggered by Mrs. Marney's intervention, were faithfully listed; the public was warned to be on the lookout for a person with an unusual and strange appearance, who lived a reclusive and solitary life. I also found out from this paper that my former lodgings had been searched on the very night I escaped, and that Mrs. Marney had been sent to Newgate, accused of concealing a felony. This last detail hit me hard. Despite my own suffering, my sympathy remained strong. It was a cruel and unbearable thought that not only was I facing relentless persecution, but that my very presence could be harmful, dragging everyone who helped me down with me. My immediate feeling was a willingness to endure the worst from my enemies if it meant I could save this wonderful woman from fear and danger. I later learned that Mrs. Marney was released from custody, thanks to the intervention of her noble relative.
My sympathy for Mrs. Marney however was at this moment a transient one. A more imperious and irresistible consideration demanded to be heard.
My sympathy for Mrs. Marney, however, was only temporary at that moment. A stronger and more compelling thought needed to be acknowledged.
With what sensations did I ruminate upon this paper? Every word of it carried despair to my heart. The actual apprehension that I dreaded would perhaps have been less horrible. It would have put an end to that lingering terror to which I was a prey. Disguise was no longer of use. A numerous class of individuals, through every department, almost every house of the metropolis, would be induced to look with a suspicious eye upon every stranger, especially every solitary stranger, that fell under their observation. The prize of one hundred guineas was held out to excite their avarice and sharpen their penetration. It was no longer Bow-street, it was a million of men in arms against me. Neither had I the refuge, which few men have been so miserable as to want, of one single individual with whom to repose my alarms, and who might shelter me from the gaze of indiscriminate curiosity.
What thoughts went through my mind as I read this paper? Every word filled me with despair. The real fear I dreaded might have been less terrifying. It would have ended the constant fear that tormented me. Hiding was pointless. A large group of people, from every walk of life and nearly every home in the city, would start to view every stranger, especially any solitary individual, with suspicion. The reward of one hundred guineas was dangled to stir their greed and sharpen their vigilance. It was no longer just Bow Street—it felt like a million people were against me. I also didn’t have the comfort that very few have been so unfortunate as to lack: a single person to share my fears with, someone who might protect me from the prying eyes of the curious.
What could exceed the horrors of this situation? My heart knocked against my ribs, my bosom heaved, I gasped and panted for breath. "There is no end then," said I, "to my persecutors! My unwearied and long-continued labours lead to no termination! Termination! No; the lapse of time, that cures all other things, makes my case more desperate! Why then," exclaimed I, a new train of thought suddenly rushing into my mind, "why should I sustain the contest any longer? I can at least elude my persecutors in death. I can bury myself and the traces of my existence together in friendly oblivion; and thus bequeath eternal doubt, and ever new alarm, to those who have no peace but in pursuing me!"
What could be worse than this situation? My heart was pounding against my ribs, my chest was heaving, and I was gasping for breath. "Is there no end to my tormentors?" I said. "My endless and exhausting efforts lead nowhere! Nowhere! Time, which heals everything else, only makes my situation more desperate! So then," I exclaimed, a new thought rushing into my mind, "why should I keep fighting? I could escape my tormentors through death. I could bury myself and all evidence of my existence in a peaceful oblivion, leaving behind eternal uncertainty and constant fear for those who find no rest except in chasing me!"
In the midst of the horrors with which I was now impressed, this idea gave me pleasure; and I hastened to the Thames to put it in instant execution. Such was the paroxysm of my mind that my powers of vision became partially suspended. I was no longer conscious to the feebleness of disease, but rushed along with fervent impetuosity. I passed from street to street without observing what direction I pursued. After wandering I know not how long, I arrived at London Bridge. I hastened to the stairs, and saw the river covered with vessels.
In the middle of the horrors that were weighing on me, this idea brought me some joy; so I quickly made my way to the Thames to carry it out. I was in such a frenzy that my ability to see clearly was somewhat dulled. I no longer felt the weakness of illness but rushed forward with intense energy. I moved from street to street without paying attention to where I was going. After wandering for I don't know how long, I finally reached London Bridge. I hurried to the stairs and saw the river filled with boats.
"No human being must see me," said I, "at the instant that I vanish for ever." This thought required some consideration. A portion of time had elapsed since my first desperate purpose. My understanding began to return. The sight of the vessels suggested to me the idea of once more attempting to leave my native country.
"No one should see me," I said, "the moment I disappear forever." This thought needed some thought. Some time had passed since my initial desperate plan. My mind started to clear. The sight of the ships gave me the idea of trying once again to leave my home country.
I enquired, and speedily found that the cheapest passage I could procure was in a vessel moored near the Tower, and which was to sail in a few days for Middleburgh in Holland. I would have gone instantly on board, and have endeavoured to prevail with the captain to let me remain there till he sailed; but unfortunately I had not money enough in my pocket to defray my passage.
I asked around and quickly discovered that the cheapest ticket I could get was on a ship docked near the Tower, which was set to sail in a few days for Middleburgh in Holland. I wanted to go on board right away and try to convince the captain to let me stay there until departure, but unfortunately, I didn’t have enough money on me to cover the fare.
It was worse than this. I had not money enough in the world. I however paid the captain half his demand, and promised to return with the rest. I knew not in what manner it was to be procured, but I believed that I should not fail in it. I had some idea of applying to Mr. Spurrel. Surely he would not refuse me? He appeared to love me with parental affection, and I thought I might trust myself for a moment in his hands.
It was worse than this. I didn't have enough money at all. I still paid the captain half of what he asked for and promised to come back with the rest. I had no idea how I was going to get it, but I believed I wouldn’t let myself down. I thought about asking Mr. Spurrel for help. Surely he wouldn’t turn me down? He seemed to care for me like a parent, and I thought I could trust him for a moment.
I approached my place of residence with a heavy and foreboding heart. Mr. Spurrel was not at home; and I was obliged to wait for his return. Worn out with fatigue, disappointment, and the ill state of my health, I sunk upon a chair. Speedily however I recollected myself. I had work of Mr. Spurrel's in my trunk, which had been delivered out to me that very morning, to five times the amount I wanted. I canvassed for a moment whether I should make use of this property as if it were my own; but I rejected the idea with disdain. I had never in the smallest degree merited the reproaches that were east upon me; and I determined I never would merit them. I sat gasping, anxious, full of the blackest forebodings. My terrors appeared, even to my own mind, greater and more importunate than the circumstances authorised.
I approached my home with a heavy, anxious heart. Mr. Spurrel wasn't there, so I had to wait for him to come back. Exhausted from fatigue, disappointment, and my poor health, I sank into a chair. However, I quickly pulled myself together. I had some of Mr. Spurrel's work in my trunk that had been delivered to me that very morning, worth five times what I needed. I thought about using it as if it were my own, but I dismissed the idea with contempt. I had never deserved the criticisms thrown at me, and I was determined I never would. I sat there, gasping, anxious, filled with the worst kind of dread. My fears felt, even to me, more intense and urgent than the situation warranted.
It was extraordinary that Mr. Spurrel should be abroad at this hour; I had never known it happen before. His bed-time was between nine and ten. Ten o'clock came, eleven o'clock, but not Mr. Spurrel. At midnight I heard his knock at the door. Every soul in the house was in bed. Mr. Spurrel, on account of his regular hours, was unprovided with a key to open for himself. A gleam, a sickly gleam, of the social spirit came over my heart. I flew nimbly down stairs, and opened the door.
It was unusual for Mr. Spurrel to be out at this hour; I had never seen it happen before. He usually went to bed between nine and ten. Ten o'clock passed, then eleven, but still no Mr. Spurrel. At midnight, I heard his knock at the door. Everyone else in the house was already in bed. Because of his regular schedule, Mr. Spurrel didn’t have a key to let himself in. A small spark, a faint glimmer, of social spirit filled my heart. I quickly rushed down the stairs and opened the door.
I could perceive, by the little taper in my hand, something extraordinary in his countenance. I had not time to speak, before I saw two other men follow him. At the first glance I was sufficiently assured what sort of persons they were. At the second, I perceived that one of them was no other than Gines himself. I had understood formerly that he had been of this profession, and I was not surprised to find him in it again. Though I had for three hours endeavoured, as it were, to prepare myself for the unavoidable necessity of falling once again into the hands of the officers of law, the sensation I felt at their entrance was indescribably agonising. I was besides not a little astonished at the time and manner of their entrance; and I felt anxious to know whether Mr. Spurrel could be base enough to have been their introducer.
I could see, by the small candle in my hand, something unusual in his expression. I didn’t have time to speak before I noticed two other men following him. At first glance, I quickly figured out what kind of people they were. On the second look, I realized that one of them was none other than Gines himself. I had previously understood that he had been in this line of work, so I wasn’t surprised to find him back at it again. Even though I had spent the last three hours trying to prepare myself for the unavoidable need to face the law officers again, the feeling I had when they entered was unbelievably painful. I was also quite surprised by the timing and manner of their arrival, and I was anxious to find out if Mr. Spurrel could be low enough to have introduced them.
I was not long held in perplexity. He no sooner saw his followers within the door, than he exclaimed, with convulsive eagerness, "There, there, that is your man! thank God! thank God!" Gines looked eagerly in my face, with a countenance expressive alternately of hope and doubt, and answered, "By God, and I do not know whether it be or no! I am afraid we are in the wrong box!" Then recollecting himself, "We will go into the house, and examine further however." We all went up stairs into Mr. Spurrel's room; I set down the candle upon the table. I had hitherto been silent; but I determined not to desert myself, and was a little encouraged to exertion by the scepticism of Gines. With a calm and deliberate manner therefore, in my feigned voice, one of the characteristics of which was lisping, I asked, "Pray, gentlemen, what may be your pleasure with me?"—"Why," said Gines, "our errand is with one Caleb Williams, and a precious rascal he is! I ought to know the chap well enough; but they say he has as many faces as there are days in the year. So you please to pull off your face; or, if you cannot do that, at least you can pull off your clothes, and let us see what your hump is made of."
I wasn’t confused for long. As soon as he saw his followers enter the door, he shouted with intense excitement, "There, there, that's your guy! Thank God! Thank God!" Gines looked at me eagerly, his face showing both hope and doubt, and replied, "Honestly, I don’t know if it’s him or not! I’m worried we’re in the wrong place!" Then he gathered himself and said, "Let’s go inside and check further, though." We all went upstairs into Mr. Spurrel's room, and I set the candle on the table. I had been quiet up to that point, but I decided I wouldn’t let myself down, and Gines's skepticism encouraged me a bit. So, in a calm and deliberate manner, using my feigned voice—which had a slight lisp—I asked, "Excuse me, gentlemen, what do you want with me?"—"Well," Gines said, "we're looking for a guy named Caleb Williams, and he’s quite the character! I should know him well enough, but they say he has as many faces as there are days in the year. So, why don’t you take off your face; or if you can’t do that, at least take off your clothes and let us see what your hump is made of."
I remonstrated, but in vain. I stood detected in part of my artifice; and Gines, though still uncertain, was every moment more and more confirmed in his suspicions. Mr. Spurrel perfectly gloated, with eyes that seemed ready to devour every thing that passed. As my imposture gradually appeared more palpable, he repeated his exclamation, "Thank God! thank God!" At last, tired with this scene of mummery, and disgusted beyond measure with the base and hypocritical figure I seemed to exhibit, I exclaimed, "Well, I am Caleb Williams; conduct me wherever you please! And now, Mr. Spurrel!"—He gave a violent start. The instant I declared myself his transport had been at the highest, and was, to any power he was able to exert, absolutely uncontrollable. But the unexpectedness of my address, and the tone in which I spoke, electrified him.—"Is it possible," continued I, "that you should have been the wretch to betray me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? Is this the kindness you professed? the affection that was perpetually in your mouth? to be the death of me!"
I protested, but it was useless. I was caught in part of my deception, and Gines, though still unsure, became increasingly convinced of his suspicions. Mr. Spurrel looked absolutely thrilled, with eyes that seemed ready to consume everything happening around him. As my dishonesty became more obvious, he repeated his exclamation, "Thank God! thank God!" Finally, fed up with this charade and utterly disgusted by the pathetic and hypocritical image I seemed to present, I shouted, "Alright, I am Caleb Williams; take me wherever you want! And now, Mr. Spurrel!"—He jumped violently. The moment I revealed my identity, his excitement was at its peak and was completely uncontrollable by any means he could muster. But the surprise of my words and the tone I used shocked him. "Is it possible," I continued, "that you could be the monster to betray me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? Is this the kindness you claimed to offer? The affection you always talked about? To be the end of me!"
"My poor boy! my dear creature!" cried Spurrel, whimpering, and in a tone of the humblest expostulation, "indeed I could not help it! I would have helped it, if I could! I hope they will not hurt my darling! I am sure I shall die if they do!"
"My poor boy! My sweet creature!" Spurrel cried, sniffling and in the most pleading tone, "I really couldn't help it! I would have fixed it if I could! I hope they won't hurt my darling! I'm certain I'll die if they do!"
"Miserable driveller!" interrupted I, with a stern voice, "do you betray me into the remorseless fangs of the law, and then talk of my not being hurt? I know my sentence, and am prepared to meet it! You have fixed the halter upon my neck, and at the same price would have done so to your only son! Go, count your accursed guineas! My life would have been safer in the hands of one I had never seen than in yours, whose mouth and whose eyes for ever ran over with crocodile affection!"
"Miserable fool!" I interrupted, using a harsh tone. "Are you really going to hand me over to the unforgiving law and then act like I won't be hurt? I know what my fate is, and I'm ready to face it! You've put the noose around my neck, and you would have done the same to your only son for the right price! Go on, count your damn money! My life would have been safer in the hands of a complete stranger than with you, who constantly shows fake love with your mouth and eyes!"
I have always believed that my sickness, and, as he apprehended, approaching death, contributed its part to the treachery of Mr. Spurrel. He predicted to his own mind the time when I should no longer be able to work. He recollected with agony the expense that attended his son's illness and death. He determined to afford me no assistance of a similar kind. He feared however the reproach of deserting me. He feared the tenderness of his nature. He felt, that I was growing upon his affections, and that in a short time he could not have deserted me. He was driven by a sort of implicit impulse, for the sake of avoiding one ungenerous action, to take refuge in another, the basest and most diabolical. This motive, conjoining with the prospect of the proffered reward, was an incitement too powerful for him to resist.
I’ve always thought that my illness, and what he feared was my impending death, played a role in Mr. Spurrel’s betrayal. He anticipated the moment when I would no longer be able to work. He recalled with pain the costs that came with his son’s illness and death. He was determined not to provide me with similar help. However, he was afraid of the guilt he would feel for abandoning me. He worried about his own sensitivity. He sensed that I was becoming important to him, and he knew that soon he wouldn’t be able to leave me behind. Driven by a sort of unintentional urge to avoid one unkind act, he took refuge in another, the lowest and most cruel. This reason, combined with the allure of the offered reward, was too strong for him to resist.
CHAPTER XI.
Having given vent to my resentment, I left Mr. Spurrel motionless, and unable to utter a word. Gines and his companion attended me. It is unnecessary to repeat all the insolence of this man. He alternately triumphed in the completion of his revenge, and regretted the loss of the reward to the shrivelled old curmudgeon we had just quitted, whom however he swore he would cheat of it by one means or another. He claimed to himself the ingenuity of having devised the halfpenny legend, the thought of which was all his own, and was an expedient that was impossible to fail. There was neither law nor justice, he said, to be had, if Hunks who had done nothing were permitted to pocket the cash, and his merit were left undistinguished and pennyless.
After venting my frustration, I left Mr. Spurrel speechless and unable to say anything. Gines and his friend followed me. There's no need to repeat all the arrogance from this guy. He alternated between celebrating his revenge and lamenting the loss of the reward from the old miser we had just left, although he swore he would find a way to cheat him out of it. He took credit for coming up with the halfpenny trick, which he claimed was entirely his idea and a foolproof plan. He argued that there was no law or justice if someone like Hunks, who had done nothing, was allowed to take the money while his own contributions went unrecognized and unpaid.
I paid but little attention to his story. It struck upon my sense, and I was able to recollect it at my nearest leisure, though I thought not of it at the time. For the present I was busily employed, reflecting on my new situation, and the conduct to be observed in it. The thought of suicide had twice, in moments of uncommon despair, suggested itself to my mind; but it was far from my habitual meditations. At present, and in all cases where death was immediately threatened me from the injustice of others, I felt myself disposed to contend to the last.
I didn't pay much attention to his story. It registered with me, and I could remember it later when I had the chance, although I wasn't thinking about it at the time. For now, I was focused on my new situation and how to handle it. The idea of suicide had come to me twice during moments of extreme despair, but it wasn't something I normally thought about. Right now, and whenever death was directly looming because of someone else's wrongs, I felt ready to fight until the end.
My prospects were indeed sufficiently gloomy and discouraging. How much labour had I exerted, first to extricate myself from prison, and next to evade the diligence of my pursuers; and the result of all, to be brought back to the point from which I began! I had gained fame indeed, the miserable fame to have my story bawled forth by hawkers and ballad-mongers, to have my praises as an active and enterprising villain celebrated among footmen and chambermaids; but I was neither an Erostratus nor an Alexander, to die contented with that species of eulogium. With respect to all that was solid, what chance could I find in new exertions of a similar nature? Never was a human creature pursued by enemies more inventive or envenomed. I could have small hope that they would ever cease their persecution, or that my future attempts would be crowned with a more desirable issue.
My situation was really quite bleak and discouraging. I had put in so much effort to get myself out of prison and then to dodge my pursuers, only to end up back where I started! I had gained some notoriety, sure—the miserable kind where my story was shouted by street vendors and ballad singers, where my reputation as a cunning and resourceful villain was praised among servants. But I was neither a Erostratus nor an Alexander, able to die satisfied with that kind of praise. As for anything substantial, what kind of hope could I have in making similar efforts again? No one has ever been chased by enemies more clever or venomous than I was. I had little reason to believe they'd ever stop hunting me, or that my future attempts would end any better.
They were considerations like these that dictated my resolution. My mind had been gradually weaning from Mr. Falkland, till its feeling rose to something like abhorrence. I had long cherished a reverence for him, which not even animosity and subornation on his part could utterly destroy. But I now ascribed a character so inhumanly sanguinary to his mind; I saw something so fiend-like in the thus hunting me round the world, and determining to be satisfied with nothing less than my blood, while at the same time he knew my innocence, my indisposition to mischief, nay, I might add, my virtues; that henceforth I trampled reverence and the recollection of former esteem under my feet. I lost all regard to his intellectual greatness, and all pity for the agonies of his soul. I also would abjure forbearance. I would show myself bitter and inflexible as he had done. Was it wise in him to drive me into extremity and madness? Had he no fears for his own secret and atrocious offences?
They were considerations like these that influenced my decision. My thoughts had been slowly detaching from Mr. Falkland until I felt something close to disgust. I had long held a respect for him that not even his hostility and betrayal could completely erase. However, I now saw his mindset as cruelly bloodthirsty; I noticed something almost monstrous in the way he hunted me down around the world, determined to settle for nothing less than my death, while he was fully aware of my innocence, my lack of malice, and I could even say, my good qualities. From that point on, I stomped all over any remaining respect and memories of past admiration. I lost all appreciation for his intellectual brilliance and all sympathy for his internal struggles. I also resolved to abandon any restraint. I would be as harsh and unyielding as he had been. Was it wise of him to push me to the brink of desperation and madness? Did he not fear for his own hidden and heinous crimes?
I had been obliged to spend the remainder of the night upon which I had been apprehended, in prison. During the interval I had thrown off every vestige of disguise, and appeared the next morning in my own person. I was of course easily identified; and, this being the whole with which the magistrates before whom I now stood thought themselves concerned, they were proceeding to make out an order for my being conducted back to my own county. I suspended the despatch of this measure by observing that I had something to disclose. This is an overture to which men appointed for the administration of criminal justice never fail to attend.
I had to spend the rest of the night I was arrested in jail. During that time, I removed all my disguises and showed up the next morning as myself. Naturally, I was easily recognized, and since this was all the magistrates I faced cared about, they were getting ready to issue an order for me to be sent back to my home county. I held up the processing of this by stating that I had something to share. This is something that officials in charge of criminal justice always pay attention to.
I went before the magistrates, to whose office Gines and his comrade conducted me, fully determined to publish those astonishing secrets of which I had hitherto been the faithful depository; and, once for all, to turn the tables upon my accuser. It was time that the real criminal should be the sufferer, and not that innocence should for ever labour under the oppression of guilt.
I went before the magistrates, to whose office Gines and his comrade took me, fully determined to reveal those astonishing secrets I had kept so faithfully until now; and, once and for all, to turn the tables on my accuser. It was time for the real criminal to face consequences, and not for the innocent to constantly suffer under the burden of guilt.
I said that "I had always protested my innocence, and must now repeat the protest."
I said that "I have always claimed I am innocent, and I must repeat that claim now."
"In that case," retorted the senior magistrate abruptly, "what can you have to disclose? If you are innocent, that is no business of ours! We act officially."
"In that case," the senior magistrate replied sharply, "what could you possibly want to share? If you're innocent, that's not our concern! We're acting in an official capacity."
"I always declared," continued I, "that I was the perpetrator of no guilt, but that the guilt wholly belonged to my accuser. He privately conveyed these effects among my property, and then charged me with the robbery. I now declare more than that, that this man is a murderer, that I detected his criminality, and that, for that reason, he is determined to deprive me of life. I presume, gentlemen, that you do consider it as your business to take this declaration. I am persuaded you will be by no means disposed, actively or passively, to contribute to the atrocious injustice under which I suffer, to the imprisonment and condemnation of an innocent man, in order that a murderer may go free. I suppressed this story as long as I could. I was extremely averse to be the author of the unhappiness or the death of a human being. But all patience and submission have their limits."
"I always said," I continued, "that I’m not guilty of anything, and that my accuser is the one who's truly at fault. He sneaked these items into my belongings and then accused me of stealing them. I now state even more: this man is a murderer, I've caught him in his crime, and because of that, he’s set on killing me. I assume, gentlemen, that you'll take this seriously. I’m sure you don’t want to be involved, even indirectly, in the horrible injustice I’m facing, in imprisoning and condemning an innocent person while the real murderer walks free. I kept this to myself for as long as I could. I really didn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s suffering or death. But there’s only so much patience and tolerance one can have."
"Give me leave, sir," rejoined the magistrate, with an air of affected moderation, "to ask you two questions. Were you any way aiding, abetting, or contributing to this murder?"
"Please allow me, sir," replied the magistrate, feigning moderation, "to ask you two questions. Were you in any way helping, encouraging, or involved in this murder?"
"No."
"Nope."
"And pray, sir, who is this Mr. Falkland? and what may have been the nature of your connection with him?"
"And please, sir, who is this Mr. Falkland? And what kind of relationship did you have with him?"
"Mr. Falkland is a gentleman of six thousand per annum. I lived with him as his secretary."
"Mr. Falkland is a man who earns six thousand a year. I worked with him as his secretary."
"In other words, you were his servant?"
"In other words, you were his servant?"
"As you please."
"Go ahead."
"Very well, sir; that is quite enough for me. First, I have to tell you, as a magistrate, that I can have nothing to do with your declaration. If you had been concerned in the murder you talk of, that would alter the case. But it is out of all reasonable rule for a magistrate to take an information from a felon, except against his accomplices. Next, I think it right to observe to you, in my own proper person, that you appear to me to be the most impudent rascal I ever saw. Why, are you such an ass as to suppose, that the sort of story you have been telling, can be of any service to you, either here or at the assizes, or any where else? A fine time of it indeed it would be, if, when gentlemen of six thousand a year take up their servants for robbing them, those servants could trump up such accusations as these, and could get any magistrate or court of justice to listen to them! Whether or no the felony with which you stand charged would have brought you to the gallows, I will not pretend to say: but I am sure this story will. There would be a speedy end to all order and good government, if fellows that trample upon ranks and distinctions in this atrocious sort were upon any consideration suffered to get off."
"Alright, sir; that’s more than enough for me. First, I need to inform you, as a magistrate, that I can't deal with your statement. If you were involved in the murder you're mentioning, that would change things. But it's completely unreasonable for a magistrate to take a report from a criminal, except against their partners in crime. Next, I think it's only right to say, as my own thoughts, that you strike me as the most brazen scoundrel I've ever encountered. Seriously, do you really think that the story you've been telling can help you, either here or at the trial, or anywhere else? It would be a ridiculous situation if, when wealthy gentlemen arrest their servants for stealing from them, those servants could make up claims like this and expect any magistrate or court to listen! Whether the crime you’re charged with would have led you to the gallows, I won’t say: but I can tell you this story definitely will. There would be a quick end to order and good governance if people who disregard social ranks and distinctions in such a shocking manner were allowed to get away with it."
"And do you refuse, sir, to attend to the particulars of the charge I allege?"
"And do you refuse, sir, to pay attention to the details of the charge I’m making?"
"Yes, sir, I do.—But, if I did not, pray what witnesses have you of the murder?"
"Yes, sir, I do. But if I didn't, what witnesses do you have for the murder?"
This question staggered me.
This question shocked me.
"None. But I believe I can make out a circumstantial proof, of a nature to force attention from the most indifferent hearer."
"None. But I think I can point out some circumstantial evidence that would grab the attention of even the most indifferent listener."
"So I thought.—Officers, take him from the bar!"
"So I thought. —Officers, take him away from the bar!"
Such was the success of this ultimate resort on my part, upon which I had built with such undoubting confidence. Till now, I had conceived that the unfavourable situation in which I was placed was prolonged by my own forbearance; and I had determined to endure all that human nature could support, rather than have recourse to this extreme recrimination. That idea secretly consoled me under all my calamities: it was a voluntary sacrifice, and was cheerfully made. I thought myself allied to the army of martyrs and confessors; I applauded my fortitude and self-denial; and I pleased myself with the idea, that I had the power, though I hoped never to employ it, by an unrelenting display of my resources, to put an end at once to my sufferings and persecutions.
Such was the success of this ultimate fallback I had placed my complete trust in. Until now, I believed that the unfavorable situation I was in was extended by my own patience; and I had decided to endure everything that human nature could handle, rather than resort to this extreme blame. That thought quietly comforted me through all my struggles: it was a willing sacrifice, and I made it with a good spirit. I felt connected to the group of martyrs and confessors; I praised my strength and self-control; and I took pride in the fact that I had the power, though I hoped never to use it, to put an end to my suffering and harassment with an unwavering display of my resources.
And this at last was the justice of mankind! A man, under certain circumstances, shall not be heard in the detection of a crime, because he has not been a participator of it! The story of a flagitious murder shall be listened to with indifference, while an innocent man is hunted, like a wild beast, to the furthest corners of the earth! Six thousand a year shall protect a man from accusation; and the validity of an impeachment shall be superseded, because the author of it is a servant!
And this is finally the justice of humanity! A man, in certain situations, won’t be heard in discovering a crime just because he wasn’t involved in it! The tale of a heinous murder will be met with indifference, while an innocent man is chased like a wild animal to the farthest corners of the earth! Earning six thousand a year will shield a man from being accused; and the legitimacy of an impeachment will be overridden simply because the person who brought it is a servant!
I was conducted back to the very prison from which a few months before I had made my escape. With a bursting heart I entered those walls, compelled to feel that all my more than Herculean labours served for my own torture, and for no other end. Since my escape from prison I had acquired some knowledge of the world; I had learned by bitter experience, by how many links society had a hold upon me, and how closely the snares of despotism beset me. I no longer beheld the world, as my youthful fancy had once induced me to do, as a scene in which to hide or to appear, and to exhibit the freaks of a wanton vivacity. I saw my whole species as ready, in one mode or other, to be made the instruments of the tyrant. Hope died away in the bottom of my heart. Shut up for the first night in my dungeon, I was seized at intervals with temporary frenzy. From time to time, I rent the universal silence with the roarings of unsupportable despair. But this was a transient distraction. I soon returned to the sober recollection of myself and my miseries.
I was taken back to the very prison from which I had escaped just a few months earlier. With a heavy heart, I entered those walls, forced to realize that all my Herculean efforts had only served to torture me, and nothing else. Since escaping, I had gained some understanding of the world; I learned through bitter experience just how many connections society had on me, and how closely the traps of tyranny surrounded me. I no longer viewed the world, as my youthful imagination once led me to do, as a stage to hide or show off and indulge in reckless joy. I saw humanity as ready, in one way or another, to become tools of the oppressor. Hope faded deep within my heart. Locked away on my first night in the dungeon, I was occasionally overcome by bouts of madness. Now and then, I broke the overwhelming silence with cries of unbearable despair. But this was just a fleeting distraction. I quickly returned to the harsh reality of myself and my suffering.
My prospects were more gloomy, and my situation apparently more irremediable, than ever. I was exposed again, if that were of any account, to the insolence and tyranny that are uniformly exercised within those walls. Why should I repeat the loathsome tale of all that was endured by me, and is endured by every man who is unhappy enough to fall under the government of these consecrated ministers of national jurisprudence? The sufferings I had already experienced, my anxieties, my flight, the perpetual expectation of being discovered, worse than the discovery itself, would perhaps have been enough to satisfy the most insensible individual, in the court of his own conscience, if I had even been the felon I was pretended to be. But the law has neither eyes, nor ears, nor bowels of humanity; and it turns into marble the hearts of all those that are nursed in its principles.
My future looked darker, and my situation seemed more hopeless than ever. I was once again exposed, if that mattered, to the arrogance and oppression that are always present within those walls. Why should I recount the disgusting story of everything I endured, and that every man unfortunate enough to fall under the rule of these so-called guardians of national law endures? The pain I had already suffered, my worries, my escape, the constant fear of being found out—worse than the discovery itself—would probably have been enough to satisfy even the most callous person in the court of his own conscience, even if I really were the criminal I was accused of being. But the law has no eyes, no ears, and no compassion; it turns the hearts of those raised in its values to stone.
I however once more recovered my spirit of determination. I resolved that, while I had life, I would never be deserted by this spirit. Oppressed, annihilated I might be; but, if I died, I would die resisting. What use, what advantage, what pleasurable sentiment, could arise from a tame surrender? There is no man that is ignorant, that to humble yourself at the feet of the law is a bootless task; in her courts there is no room for amendment and reformation.
I once again found my determination. I decided that as long as I was alive, I would never let go of this spirit. I could be overwhelmed or crushed, but if I was going to die, I would do it fighting. What good, what benefit, what satisfaction would come from giving up quietly? Everyone knows that humbling yourself before the law is pointless; in its courts, there’s no chance for change or improvement.
My fortitude may to some persons appear above the standard of human nature. But if I draw back the veil from my heart they will readily confess their mistake. My heart bled at every pore. My resolution was not the calm sentiment of philosophy and reason. It was a gloomy and desperate purpose: the creature, not of hope, but of a mind austerely held to its design, that felt, as it were, satisfied with the naked effort, and prepared to give success or miscarriage to the winds. It was to this miserable condition, which might awaken sympathy in the most hardened bosom, that Mr. Falkland had reduced me.
My strength might seem to some people to be beyond what human nature can handle. But if I reveal my true feelings, they’ll quickly realize their mistake. My heart was breaking in every way possible. My determination wasn't a calm reflection of philosophy or reason. It was a dark and desperate resolve: an outcome driven not by hope, but by a mind tightly focused on its goal, that felt, in a way, fulfilled just by the effort, ready to leave the result, whether success or failure, to chance. It was to this pitiful state, which could stir sympathy even in the toughest person, that Mr. Falkland had brought me.
In the mean time, strange as it may seem, here, in prison, subject to innumerable hardships, and in the assured expectation of a sentence of death, I recovered my health. I ascribe this to the state of my mind, which was now changed, from perpetual anxiety, terror, and alarm, the too frequent inmates of a prison, but which I upon this occasion did not seem to bring along with me, to a desperate firmness.
In the meantime, as bizarre as it sounds, here in prison, facing countless hardships and anticipating a death sentence, I regained my health. I attribute this to my mindset, which had shifted from constant anxiety, fear, and distress—common feelings in a prison—to a determined strength.
I anticipated the event of my trial. I determined once more to escape from my prison; nor did I doubt of my ability to effect at least this first step towards my future preservation. The assizes however were near, and there were certain considerations, unnecessary to be detailed, that persuaded me there might be benefit in waiting till my trial should actually be terminated, before I made my attempt.
I was looking forward to my trial. I decided again to escape from my prison; I didn't doubt my ability to take at least this first step toward saving myself. However, the court sessions were approaching, and there were some factors, which I won’t go into, that convinced me it might be better to wait until my trial was actually over before I made my move.
It stood upon the list as one of the latest to be brought forward. I was therefore extremely surprised to find it called out of its order, early on the morning of the second day. But, if this were unexpected, how much greater was my astonishment, when my prosecutor was called, to find neither Mr. Falkland, nor Mr. Forester, nor a single individual of any description, appear against me! The recognizances into which my prosecutors had entered were declared to be forfeited; and I was dismissed without further impediment from the bar.
It was on the list as one of the last items to be discussed. So, I was really surprised when it was called out of order early on the morning of the second day. But if that was unexpected, my shock grew even more when my accuser was called, and I realized that neither Mr. Falkland, nor Mr. Forester, nor anyone else showed up to testify against me! The agreements my accusers had made were declared invalid; and I was released without any further issues from the court.
The effect which this incredible reverse produced upon my mind it is impossible to express. I, who had come to that bar with the sentence of death already in idea ringing in my ears, to be told that I was free to transport myself whithersoever I pleased! Was it for this that I had broken through so many locks and bolts, and the adamantine walls of my prison; that I had passed so many anxious days, and sleepless, spectre-haunted nights; that I had racked my invention for expedients of evasion and concealment; that my mind had been roused to an energy of which I could scarcely have believed it capable; that my existence had been enthralled to an ever-living torment, such as I could scarcely have supposed it in man to endure? Great God! what is man? Is he thus blind to the future, thus totally unsuspecting of what is to occur in the next moment of his existence? I have somewhere read, that heaven in mercy hides from us the future incidents of our life. My own experience does not well accord with this assertion. In this instance at least I should have been saved from insupportable labour and undescribable anguish, could I have foreseen the catastrophe of this most interesting transaction.
The effect that this incredible reversal had on my mind is impossible to describe. I, who had come to that bar with the sentence of death echoing in my ears, was being told that I was free to go wherever I wanted! Was this the reason I had broken through so many locks and bolts, and the solid walls of my prison; that I had spent so many anxious days and sleepless, haunting nights; that I had pushed my creativity for ways to escape and hide; that my mind had been stirred to a level of energy I could hardly believe I was capable of; that my life had been tied to a constant torment that I could hardly imagine a person enduring? Great God! what is man? Is he really so blind to the future, so completely unaware of what might happen in the next moment of his life? I have read somewhere that heaven, in its mercy, hides the future events of our lives from us. My own experience doesn’t quite match this idea. In this case at least, I could have been spared from unbearable effort and indescribable anguish if I had seen the disaster that would come from this most intriguing situation.
CHAPTER XII.
It was not long before I took my everlasting leave of this detested and miserable scene. My heart was for the present too full of astonishment and exultation in my unexpected deliverance, to admit of anxiety about the future. I withdrew from the town; I rambled with a slow and thoughtful pace, now bursting with exclamation, and now buried in profound and undefinable reverie. Accident led me towards the very heath which had first sheltered me, when, upon a former occasion, I broke out of my prison. I wandered among its cavities and its valleys. It was a forlorn and desolate solitude. I continued here I know not how long. Night at length overtook me unperceived, and I prepared to return for the present to the town I had quitted.
It wasn’t long before I finally left this hated and miserable place for good. My heart was too full of shock and joy over my unexpected escape to worry about what would happen next. I walked away from the town, moving slowly and thoughtfully, sometimes bursting into exclamations and other times lost in deep and undefined thoughts. By chance, I found my way to the very heath that had first sheltered me when I escaped from my prison before. I strolled through its hollows and valleys. It was a lonely and desolate solitude. I stayed there, I don’t know for how long. Night eventually caught up with me unnoticed, and I got ready to head back to the town I had left.
It was now perfectly dark, when two men, whom I had not previously observed, sprung upon me from behind. They seized me by the arms, and threw me upon the ground. I had no time for resistance or recollection. I could however perceive that one of them was the diabolical Gines. They blindfolded, gagged me, and hurried me I knew not whither. As we passed along in silence, I endeavoured to conjecture what could be the meaning of this extraordinary violence. I was strongly impressed with the idea, that, after the event of this morning, the most severe and painful part of my history was past; and, strange as it may seem, I could not persuade myself to regard with alarm this unexpected attack. It might however be some new project, suggested by the brutal temper and unrelenting animosity of Gines.
It was completely dark when two men I hadn’t noticed before jumped out at me from behind. They grabbed my arms and threw me on the ground. I didn’t have time to fight back or think. However, I could tell that one of them was the wicked Gines. They blindfolded and gagged me, then rushed me off to I didn’t know where. As we moved along in silence, I tried to figure out what this surprising violence meant. I was convinced that, after what happened this morning, the worst part of my ordeal was over; and, strangely enough, I couldn’t bring myself to feel afraid of this sudden attack. However, it could be some new scheme cooked up by Gines’s brutal nature and relentless hatred.
I presently found that we were returned into the town I had just quitted. They led me into a house, and, as soon as they had taken possession of a room freed me from the restraints they had before imposed Here Gines informed me with a malicious grin that no harm was intended me, and therefore I should show most sense in keeping myself quiet. I perceived that we were in an inn; I overheard company in a room at no great distance from us, and therefore was now as thoroughly aware as he could be, that there was at present little reason to stand in fear of any species of violence, and that it would be time enough to resist, when they attempted to conduct me from the inn in the same manner that they had brought me into it. I was not without some curiosity to see the conclusion that was to follow upon so extraordinary a commencement.
I soon realized that we had returned to the town I had just left. They brought me into a house, and once they had taken over a room, they freed me from the restraints they had previously put on me. Here, Gines told me with a sly smile that no harm was meant for me, and that it would be smart for me to stay quiet. I noticed that we were in an inn; I could hear people in a room not far from us, which made me understand, as well as he could, that there was little reason to fear any kind of violence right now, and that it would be better to resist when they tried to take me out of the inn the same way they brought me in. I was definitely curious to see how this strange situation would end.
The preliminaries I have described were scarcely completed, before Mr. Falkland entered the room. I remember Collins, when he first communicated to me the particulars of our patron's history, observed that he was totally unlike the man he had once been. I had no means of ascertaining the truth of that observation. But it was strikingly applicable to the spectacle which now presented itself to my eyes, though, when I last beheld this unhappy man, he had been a victim to the same passions, a prey to the same undying remorse, as now. Misery was at that time inscribed in legible characters upon his countenance. But now he appeared like nothing that had ever been visible in human shape. His visage was haggard, emaciated, and fleshless. His complexion was a dun and tarnished red, the colour uniform through every region of the face, and suggested the idea of its being burnt and parched by the eternal fire that burned within him. His eyes were red, quick, wandering, full of suspicion and rage. His hair was neglected, ragged, and floating. His whole figure was thin, to a degree that suggested the idea rather of a skeleton than a person actually alive. Life seemed hardly to be the capable inhabitant of so woe-begone and ghost-like a figure. The taper of wholesome life was expired; but passion, and fierceness, and frenzy, were able for the present to supply its place.
The preliminaries I just described were barely finished when Mr. Falkland walked into the room. I remember Collins, when he first shared our patron's story with me, noting that he was nothing like the person he used to be. I had no way to confirm that statement. But it was clearly true in the scene before me, even though the last time I saw this troubled man, he was struggling with the same emotions and suffering from the same relentless guilt as he was now. At that time, misery was visibly etched on his face. But now, he looked like nothing I had ever seen in a human being. His face was gaunt, emaciated, and lacking flesh. His complexion was a dull, tarnished red, uniform across his entire face, suggesting it had been scorched and dried out by the unending fire that consumed him from within. His eyes were red, sharp, restless, filled with suspicion and fury. His hair was unkempt, ragged, and unrestrained. His entire body was so thin that it resembled a skeleton more than a living person. It was hard to believe that any life could inhabit such a sorrowful, ghostly figure. The light of vibrant life had faded; yet passion, intensity, and madness were momentarily able to take its place.
I was to the utmost degree astonished and shocked at the sight of him.—He sternly commanded my conductors to leave the room.
I was completely astonished and shocked at the sight of him. He firmly ordered my escorts to leave the room.
"Well, sir, I have this day successfully exerted myself to save your life from the gallows. A fortnight ago you did what you were able to bring my life to that ignominious close.
"Well, sir, today I have successfully worked to save your life from the gallows. Two weeks ago, you did what you could to bring my life to that disgraceful end."
"Were you so stupid and undistinguishing as not to know that the preservation of your life was the uniform object of my exertions? Did not I maintain you in prison? Did not I endeavour to prevent your being sent thither? Could you mistake the bigoted and obstinate conduct of Forester, in offering a hundred guineas for your apprehension, for mine?
"Were you really so dense and clueless that you didn't realize that keeping you alive was my only goal? Didn't I keep you out of prison? Didn't I try to stop you from being sent there? How could you confuse Forester's narrow-minded and stubborn behavior, offering a hundred guineas for your capture, with mine?"
"I had my eye upon you in all your wanderings. You have taken no material step through their whole course with which I have not been acquainted. I meditated to do you good. I have spilt no blood but that of Tyrrel: that was in the moment of passion; and it has been the subject of my uninterrupted and hourly remorse. I have connived at no man's fate but that of the Hawkinses: they could no otherwise have been saved, than by my acknowledging myself a murderer. The rest of my life has been spent in acts of benevolence.
"I've been watching you in all your travels. Every significant step you've taken, I've known about. I wanted to help you. I haven't harmed anyone except for Tyrrel; that was in a moment of anger, and I've regretted it every hour since. I haven't interfered in anyone else's fate except for the Hawkinses; they could only have been saved if I admitted I was a murderer. The rest of my life has been dedicated to acts of kindness."
"I meditated to do you good. For that reason I was willing to prove you. You pretended to act towards me with consideration and forbearance. If you had persisted in that to the end, I would yet have found a way to reward you. I left you to your own discretion. You might show the impotent malignity of your own heart; but, in the circumstances in which you were then placed, I knew you could not hurt me. Your forbearance has proved, as I all along suspected, empty and treacherous. You have attempted to blast my reputation. You have sought to disclose the select and eternal secret of my soul. Because you have done that, I will never forgive you. I will remember it to my latest breath. The memory shall survive me, when my existence is no more. Do you think you are out of the reach of my power, because a court of justice has acquitted you?"
"I reflected on how to benefit you. For that reason, I was willing to test you. You pretended to treat me with kindness and patience. If you had maintained that until the end, I would have found a way to acknowledge your efforts. I left you to make your own choices. You could reveal the weak malice in your heart; however, given the situation you were in, I knew you couldn’t actually hurt me. Your patience has proven, as I always suspected, to be false and deceitful. You’ve tried to tarnish my reputation. You’ve sought to expose the deep and eternal secret of my soul. Because you did that, I will never forgive you. I will remember it until my last breath. The memory will outlive me when I’m gone. Do you think you’re beyond my reach just because a court found you not guilty?"
While Mr. Falkland was speaking a sudden distemper came over his countenance, his whole frame was shaken by an instantaneous convulsion, and he staggered to a chair. In about three minutes he recovered.
While Mr. Falkland was talking, a sudden illness came over his face, his entire body was shaken by a quick spasm, and he stumbled to a chair. In about three minutes, he recovered.
"Yes," said he, "I am still alive. I shall live for days, and months, and years; the power that made me, of whatever kind it be, can only determine how long. I live the guardian of my reputation. That, and to endure a misery such as man never endured, are the only ends to which I live. But, when I am no more, my fame shall still survive. My character shall be revered as spotless and unimpeachable by all posterity, as long as the name of Falkland shall be repeated in the most distant regions of the many-peopled globe."
"Yes," he said, "I'm still alive. I'll live for days, months, and years; the force that created me, whatever it may be, can only decide how long. I exist to protect my reputation. That, and to endure a suffering unlike anything anyone has ever faced, are the only reasons I live. But when I'm gone, my legacy will still endure. My character will be remembered as pure and untarnished by future generations, as long as the name of Falkland is spoken in the farthest corners of this crowded world."
Having said this, he returned to the discourse which more immediately related to my future condition and happiness.
Having said that, he returned to the conversation that was more directly related to my future well-being and happiness.
"There is one condition," said he, "upon which you may obtain some mitigation of your future calamity. It is for that purpose that I have sent for you. Listen to my proposal with deliberation and sobriety. Remember, that the insanity is not less to trifle with the resolved determination of my soul, than it would be to pull a mountain upon your head that hung trembling upon the edge of the mighty Apennine!
"There’s one condition," he said, "under which you might lessen your future troubles. That's why I called for you. Consider my proposal carefully and seriously. Remember, it would be just as foolish to toy with the strong resolve of my spirit as it would be to drop a mountain on your head that’s teetering on the edge of the mighty Apennine!"
"I insist then upon your signing a paper, declaring, in the most solemn manner, that I am innocent of murder, and that the charge you alleged at the office in Bow-street is false, malicious, and groundless. Perhaps you may scruple out of a regard to truth. Is truth then entitled to adoration for its own sake, and not for the sake of the happiness it is calculated to produce? Will a reasonable man sacrifice to barren truth, when benevolence, humanity, and every consideration that is dear to the human heart, require that it should be superseded? It is probable that I may never make use of this paper, but I require it, as the only practicable reparation to the honour you have assailed. This is what I had to propose. I expect your answer."
"I insist that you sign a document, stating in the most serious way that I am innocent of murder and that the accusation you made at the office on Bow Street is false, malicious, and unfounded. Perhaps you might hesitate out of respect for the truth. Is truth then worthy of reverence just for its own sake, and not for the happiness it can bring? Will a reasonable person sacrifice for a meaningless truth when kindness, compassion, and everything that matters to the human heart demand that it be set aside? It's likely that I may never use this document, but I need it as the only practical way to restore the honor you have attacked. This is what I wanted to propose. I look forward to your response."
"Sir," answered I, "I have heard you to an end, and I stand in need of no deliberation to enable me to answer you in the negative. You took me up a raw and inexperienced boy, capable of being moulded to any form you pleased. But you have communicated to me volumes of experience in a very short period. I am no longer irresolute and pliable. What is the power you retain over my fate I am unable to discover. You may destroy me; but you cannot make me tremble. I am not concerned to enquire, whether what I have suffered flowed from you by design or otherwise; whether you were the author of my miseries, or only connived at them. This I know, that I have suffered too exquisitely on your account, for me to feel the least remaining claim on your part to my making any voluntary sacrifice.
"Sir," I replied, "I've listened to you completely, and I don't need to think about it to tell you no. You took me in as a young, naive boy, someone who could be shaped however you wanted. But you've shared so much experience with me in a short time. I'm no longer unsure and flexible. I can't figure out what power you still have over my fate. You can ruin me, but you can't make me afraid. I’m not interested in whether my suffering was intentional on your part or if you just ignored it. What I do know is that I've endured too much because of you to feel any obligation to make any voluntary sacrifice for you now."
"You say that benevolence and humanity require this sacrifice of me. No; it would only be a sacrifice to your mad and misguided love of fame,—to that passion which has been the source of all your miseries, of the most tragical calamities to others, and of every misfortune that has happened to me. I have no forbearance to exercise towards that passion. If you be not yet cured of this tremendous and sanguinary folly, at least I will do nothing to cherish it. I know not whether from my youth I was destined for a hero; but I may thank you for having taught me a lesson of insurmountable fortitude.
You say that kindness and compassion require me to make this sacrifice. No; it would only be a sacrifice to your insane and misguided desire for fame,—to that obsession which has caused all your suffering, the most tragic disasters for others, and every misfortune that has come my way. I have no patience to spare for that obsession. If you haven’t yet been freed from this terrible and bloody madness, at least I won’t do anything to encourage it. I don’t know if I was meant to be a hero from a young age; but I can thank you for teaching me a lesson in unbreakable strength.
"What is it that you require of me? that I should sign away my own reputation for the better maintaining of yours. Where is the equality of that? What is it that casts me at such an immense distance below you, as to make every thing that relates to me wholly unworthy of consideration? You have been educated in the prejudice of birth. I abhor that prejudice. You have made me desperate, and I utter what that desperation suggests.
"What do you want from me? That I give up my own reputation just to protect yours? How is that fair? What puts me so far beneath you that everything about me isn't even worth considering? You've been raised with the bias of social status. I can't stand that bias. You've pushed me to the edge, and I'm saying what that desperation makes me feel."
"You will tell me perhaps that I have no reputation to lose; that, while you are esteemed faultless and unblemished, I am universally reputed a thief, a suborner, and a calumniator. Be it so. I will never do any thing to countenance those imputations. The more I am destitute of the esteem of mankind, the more careful I will be to preserve my own. I will never from fear, or any other mistaken motive, do any thing of which I ought to be ashamed.
"You might tell me that I have no reputation to lose; that, while you are seen as flawless and pure, I am widely considered a thief, a conspirator, and a slanderer. Fine, I accept that. I will never act in a way that supports those accusations. The less respect I have from others, the more I will strive to maintain my own self-respect. I will never do anything out of fear or any other misguided reason that I should be ashamed of."
"You are determined to be for ever my enemy. I have in no degree deserved this eternal abhorrence. I have always esteemed and pitied you. For a considerable time I rather chose to expose myself to every kind of misfortune, than disclose the secret that was so dear to you. I was not deterred by your menaces—(what could you make me suffer more than I actually suffered?)—but by the humanity of my own heart; in which, and not in means of violence, you ought to have reposed your confidence. What is the mysterious vengeance that you can yet execute against me? You menaced me before; you can menace no worse now. You are wearing out the springs of terror. Do with me as you please; you teach me to hear you with an unshrinking and desperate firmness. Recollect yourself! I did not proceed to the step with which you reproach me, till I was apparently urged to the very last extremity. I had suffered as much as human nature can suffer; I had lived in the midst of eternal alarm and unintermitted watchfulness; I had twice been driven to purposes of suicide. I am now sorry however, that the step of which you complain was ever adopted. But, urged to exasperation by an unintermitted rigour, I had no time to cool or to deliberate. Even at present I cherish no vengeance against you. All that is reasonable, all that can really contribute to your security, I will readily concede; but I will not be driven to an act repugnant to all reason, integrity, and justice."
"You are set on being my enemy forever. I haven't done anything to deserve this constant hatred. I've always respected and felt sorry for you. For a long time, I would rather face every kind of misfortune than reveal the secret that meant so much to you. I wasn't scared off by your threats—what worse could you do to me than what I've already endured?—but by the compassion in my own heart; that's where you should have placed your trust, not in violence. What mysterious revenge can you possibly take against me now? You threatened me before; there’s nothing worse you can threaten me with now. You’re exhausting the limits of fear. Do what you want with me; you’re teaching me to face you with unwavering determination. Remember this! I didn't take the step you're blaming me for until I was pushed to my absolute limit. I had suffered as much as anyone can bear; I lived in constant fear and unending vigilance; I had been driven to thoughts of suicide twice. I do regret, however, that I took the action you complain about. But, pushed to the edge by relentless pressure, I didn’t have time to calm down or think. Even now, I hold no grudge against you. I'm willing to agree to anything reasonable that would actually ensure your safety; but I will not be forced into an action that goes against all reason, integrity, and justice."
Mr. Falkland listened to me with astonishment and impatience. He had entertained no previous conception of the firmness I displayed. Several times he was convulsed with the fury that laboured in his breast. Once and again he betrayed an intention to interrupt; but he was restrained by the collectedness of my manner, and perhaps by a desire to be acquainted with the entire state of my mind. Finding that I had concluded, he paused for a moment; his passion seemed gradually to enlarge, till it was no longer capable of control.
Mr. Falkland listened to me with shock and frustration. He had no idea about the determination I showed. Several times, he was overwhelmed with the anger bubbling inside him. He almost interrupted me again and again, but he held back because of my calm demeanor and maybe because he wanted to understand my thoughts completely. Once I finished, he took a moment to gather himself; his anger seemed to grow until it became impossible for him to manage.
"It is well!" said he, gnashing his teeth, and stamping upon the ground. "You refuse the composition I offer! I have no power to persuade you to compliance! You defy me! At least I have a power respecting you, and that power I will exercise; a power that shall grind you into atoms. I condescend to no more expostulation. I know what I am, and what I can be. I know what you are, and what fate is reserved for you!"
"It’s all good!" he said, gritting his teeth and stomping on the ground. "You reject the deal I’m offering! I can’t convince you to agree! You’re challenging me! At least I have control over you, and I will use that control; a power that will break you into pieces. I won’t bother with any more arguments. I know who I am and what I can do. I know who you are and what fate awaits you!"
Saying this he quitted the room.
Saying this, he left the room.
Such were the particulars of this memorable scene. The impression it has left upon my understanding is indelible. The figure and appearance of Mr. Falkland, his death-like weakness and decay, his more than mortal energy and rage, the words that he spoke, the motives that animated him, produced one compounded effect upon my mind that nothing of the same nature could ever parallel. The idea of his misery thrilled through my frame. How weak in comparison of it is the imaginary hell, which the great enemy of mankind is represented as carrying every where about with him!
Such were the details of this unforgettable scene. The impact it has left on my mind is unforgettable. The look and demeanor of Mr. Falkland, his death-like frailty and decline, his extraordinary strength and fury, the words he spoke, the motives driving him, created a complex effect on my mind like nothing else could match. The thought of his suffering sent a shiver through my body. How much weaker in comparison is the imagined hell that the great enemy of humanity is said to carry around with him!
From this consideration, my mind presently turned to the menaces he had vented against myself. They were all mysterious and undefined. He had talked of power, but had given no hint from which I could collect in what he imagined it to consist. He had talked of misery, but had not dropped a syllable respecting the nature of the misery to be inflicted.
From this thought, my mind shifted to the threats he had made against me. They were all vague and unclear. He mentioned power, but never specified what he thought it actually involved. He talked about misery but didn't say a word about the type of misery he intended to impose.
I sat still for some time, ruminating on these thoughts. Neither Mr. Falkland nor any other person appeared to disturb my meditations. I rose, went out of the room, and from the inn into the street. No one offered to molest me. It was strange! What was the nature of this power, from which I was to apprehend so much, yet which seemed to leave me at perfect liberty? I began to imagine that all I had heard from this dreadful adversary was mere madness and extravagance, and that he was at length deprived of the use of reason, which had long served him only as a medium of torment. Yet was it likely in that case that he should be able to employ Gines and his associate, who had just been his instruments of violence upon my person?
I sat quietly for a while, thinking over these ideas. Neither Mr. Falkland nor anyone else interrupted my thoughts. I got up, left the room, and walked from the inn into the street. No one tried to bother me. It was strange! What was this power I was supposed to fear so much, yet which seemed to leave me completely free? I started to think that everything I had heard from this terrible opponent was just madness and nonsense, and that he had finally lost the ability to think clearly, which had only served as a source of torment for him. But would it really make sense that he could still use Gines and his partner, who had just been his tools of violence against me?
I proceeded along the streets with considerable caution. I looked before me and behind me, as well as the darkness would allow me to do, that I might not again be hunted in sight by some men of stratagem and violence without my perceiving it. I went not, as before, beyond the limits of the town, but considered the streets, the houses, and the inhabitants, as affording some degree of security. I was still walking with my mind thus full of suspicion and forecast, when I discovered Thomas, that servant of Mr. Falkland whom I have already more than once had occasion to mention. He advanced towards me with an air so blunt and direct, as instantly to remove from me the idea of any thing insidious in his purpose; besides that I had always felt the character of Thomas, rustic and uncultivated as it was, to be entitled to a more than common portion of esteem.
I made my way through the streets very carefully. I looked ahead and behind me as much as the darkness allowed, so I wouldn’t be caught off guard by any scheming and violent men. Unlike before, I didn’t go beyond the town’s limits, but instead saw the streets, the houses, and the people as offering some level of safety. I was still walking with my mind filled with suspicion and concern when I spotted Thomas, the servant of Mr. Falkland that I’ve mentioned several times. He approached me with such a straightforward and direct demeanor that it instantly made me trust his intentions. Plus, I had always regarded Thomas, despite his rustic and unrefined nature, as someone deserving of a special respect.
"Thomas," said I, as he advanced, "I hope you are willing to give me joy, that I am at length delivered from the dreadful danger which for many months haunted me so unmercifully."
"Thomas," I said as he approached, "I hope you're ready to celebrate with me because I've finally escaped the terrible danger that tormented me for so long."
"No," rejoined Thomas, roughly; "I be not at all willing. I do not know what to make of myself in this affair. While you were in prison in that miserable fashion, I felt all at one almost as if I loved you: and now that that is over, and you are turned out loose in the world to do your worst, my blood rises at the very sight of you. To look at you, you are almost that very lad Williams for whom I could with pleasure, as it were, have laid down my life; and yet, behind that smiling face there lie robbery, and lying, and every thing that is ungrateful and murderous. Your last action was worse than all the rest. How could you find in your heart to revive that cruel story about Mr. Tyrrel, which every body had agreed, out of regard to the squire, never to mention again, and of which I know, and you know, he is as innocent as the child unborn? There are causes and reasons, or else I could have wished from the bottom of my soul never to have set eyes on you again."
"No," Thomas replied roughly, "I'm not willing at all. I don't even know what to think about this whole situation. While you were stuck in that miserable prison, I felt like I almost loved you; but now that you’re out, free to cause trouble, I can’t stand the sight of you. When I look at you, you remind me so much of that kid Williams for whom I would have gladly given my life, and yet, behind that smiling face, there’s nothing but robbery, deceit, and all kinds of ungratefulness and malice. Your last action was worse than all the others. How could you bring up that cruel story about Mr. Tyrrel, which everyone agreed, out of respect for the squire, never to mention again? We both know he’s as innocent as a newborn baby. There are reasons for this, or else I truly would wish with all my heart that I’d never set eyes on you again."
"And you still persist in your hard thoughts of me?"
"And you still hold onto your negative thoughts about me?"
"Worse! I think worse of you than ever! Before, I thought you as bad as man could be. I wonder from my soul what you are to do next. But you make good the old saying, 'Needs must go, that the devil drives.'"
"Worse! I think even less of you than ever! Before, I thought you were as bad as a person could be. I genuinely wonder what you’ll do next. But you prove the old saying true, 'Needs must go, that the devil drives.'"
"And so there is never to be an end of my misfortunes! What can Mr. Falkland contrive for me worse than the ill opinion and enmity of all mankind?"
"And so there will never be an end to my misfortunes! What worse thing can Mr. Falkland do to me than have the bad opinion and hatred of everyone?"
"Mr. Falkland contrive! He is the best friend you have in the world, though you are the basest traitor to him. Poor man! it makes one's heart ache to look at him; he is the very image of grief. And it is not clear to me that it is not all owing to you. At least you have given the finishing lift to the misfortune that was already destroying him. There have been the devil and all to pay between him and squire Forester. The squire is right raving mad with my master, for having outwitted him in the matter of the trial, and saved your life. He swears that you shall be taken up and tried all over again at the next assizes; but my master is resolute, and I believe will carry it his own way. He says indeed that the law will not allow squire Forester to have his will in this. To see him ordering every thing for your benefit, and taking all your maliciousness as mild and innocent as a lamb, and to think of your vile proceedings against him, is a sight one shall not see again, go all the world over. For God's sake, repent of your reprobate doings, and make what little reparation is in your power! Think of your poor soul, before you awake, as to be sure one of these days you will, in fire and brimstone everlasting!"
"Mr. Falkland, what a mess! He’s the best friend you have, even though you’ve betrayed him in the worst way. Poor guy! It really hurts to see him; he looks so heartbroken. And I can’t help but think it’s mostly because of you. At the very least, you’ve pushed him further into the troubles that were already tearing him apart. There’s been complete chaos between him and Squire Forester. The squire is completely furious with my master for outsmarting him during the trial and for saving your life. He’s swearing he’ll make sure you’re arrested and put on trial again at the next court session; but my master is determined and I believe he’ll get his way. He says the law won’t let Squire Forester have his way with this. To see him arranging everything for your benefit while taking all your cruelty as if it’s innocent and harmless, and to think about your despicable actions against him, is something you won’t see again, no matter where you go. For God’s sake, please regret your wicked actions and do what little you can to make amends! Think about your poor soul before you wake up, because one of these days you will, in eternal fire and brimstone!"
Saying this, he held out his hand and took hold of mine. The action seemed strange; but I at first thought it the unpremeditated result of his solemn and well-intended adjuration. I felt however that he put something into my hand. The next moment he quitted his hold, and hastened from me with the swiftness of an arrow. What he had thus given me was a bank-note of twenty pounds. I had no doubt that he had been charged to deliver it to me from Mr. Falkland.
Saying this, he reached out his hand and grabbed mine. The action felt odd, but I initially thought it was just a spontaneous result of his serious and sincere plea. However, I felt that he placed something into my hand. The next moment, he let go and rushed away from me like an arrow. What he had given me was a twenty-pound banknote. I had no doubt that he was sent to deliver it to me from Mr. Falkland.
What was I to infer? what light did it throw upon the intentions of my inexorable persecutor? his animosity against me was as great as ever; that I had just had confirmed to me from his own mouth. Yet his animosity appeared to be still tempered with the remains of humanity. He prescribed to it a line, wide enough to embrace the gratification of his views, and within the boundaries of that line it stopped. But this discovery carried no consolation to my mind. I knew not what portion of calamity I was fated to endure, before his jealousy of dishonour, and inordinate thirst of fame would deem themselves satisfied.
What was I supposed to conclude? What insight did it provide about the intentions of my relentless tormentor? His hatred for me was just as strong as ever; I had just heard it confirmed from his own lips. Yet his hatred seemed to be mixed with some remnants of humanity. He set it a limit, wide enough to allow for the satisfaction of his desires, and within that limit, it stayed. But this realization brought me no comfort. I had no idea how much suffering I was destined to face before his jealousy over dishonor and insatiable desire for fame would feel satisfied.
Another question offered itself. Was I to receive the money which had just been put into my hands? the money of a man who had inflicted upon me injuries, less than those which he had entailed upon himself, but the greatest that one man can inflict upon another? who had blasted my youth, who had destroyed my peace, who had held me up to the abhorrence of mankind, and rendered me an outcast upon the face of the earth? who had forced the basest and most atrocious falsehoods, and urged them with a seriousness and perseverance which produced universal belief? who, an hour before, had vowed against me inexorable enmity, and sworn to entail upon me misery without end? Would not this conduct on my part betray a base and abject spirit, that crouched under tyranny, and kissed the hands that were imbrued in my blood?
Another question came to mind. Should I accept the money that had just been given to me? The money from a man who had caused me harm, though less than what he had done to himself, but still the worst kind of harm one person can inflict on another? A man who had ruined my youth, shattered my peace, exposed me to the world's disdain, and turned me into a pariah? A man who had spread the most despicable and outrageous lies, pushing them with such seriousness and determination that everyone believed them? A man who, just an hour earlier, had sworn relentless hatred against me and promised to bring me endless misery? Wouldn’t accepting this money show a cowardly and degraded spirit, one that cowers under oppression and kisses the hands that are stained with my blood?
If these reasons appeared strong, neither was the other side without reasons in reply. I wanted the money: not for any purpose of vice or superfluity, but for those purposes without which life cannot subsist. Man ought to be able, wherever placed, to find for himself the means of existence; but I was to open a new scene of life, to remove to some distant spot, to be prepared against all the ill-will of mankind, and the unexplored projects of hostility of a most accomplished foe. The actual means of existence are the property of all. What should hinder me from taking that of which I was really in want, when, in taking it, I risked no vengeance, and perpetrated no violence? The property in question will be beneficial to me, and the voluntary surrender of it is accompanied with no injury to its late proprietor; what other condition can be necessary to render the use of it on my part a duty? He that lately possessed it has injured me; does that alter its value as a medium of exchange? He will boast, perhaps of the imaginary obligation he has conferred on me: surely to shrink from a thing in itself right from any such apprehension, can be the result only of pusillanimity and cowardice!
If these reasons seemed strong, the other side wasn’t without its own justifications. I needed the money, not for any vice or excess, but for the essential things required to survive. A person should be able to find a way to sustain themselves, no matter their situation. However, I was about to begin a new chapter in life, to move to a far-off place, and to be ready for the hostility of those who might wish me harm. The resources needed for survival belong to everyone. What should stop me from taking what I genuinely need when I’m not risking any retribution or causing harm? The property in question will benefit me, and giving it up won’t harm its previous owner; what more could be necessary to make its use by me a moral obligation? The person who previously owned it has wronged me; does that change its value as a tool of exchange? They might brag about the supposed debt they’ve imposed on me, but to avoid doing something that is inherently right out of fear like that can only come from weakness and cowardice!
CHAPTER XIII.
Influenced by these reasonings, I determined to retain what had thus been put into my hands. My next care was in regard to the scene I should choose, as the retreat of that life which I had just saved from the grasp of the executioner. The danger to which I was exposed of forcible interruption in my pursuits, was probably, in some respects, less now than it had been previously to this crisis. Besides, that I was considerably influenced in this deliberation by the strong loathing I conceived for the situations in which I had lately been engaged. I knew not in what mode Mr. Falkland intended to exercise his vengeance against me; but I was seized with so unconquerable an aversion to disguise, and the idea of spending my life in personating a fictitious character, that I could not, for the present at least, reconcile my mind to any thing of that nature. The same kind of disgust I had conceived for the metropolis, where I had spent so many hours of artifice, sadness, and terror. I therefore decided in favour of the project which had formerly proved amusing to my imagination, of withdrawing to some distant, rural scene, a scene of calmness and obscurity, where for a few years at least, perhaps during the life of Mr. Falkland, I might be hidden from the world, recover the wounds my mind had received in this fatal connection, methodise and improve the experience which had been accumulated, cultivate the faculties I in any degree possessed, and employ the intervals of these occupations in simple industry, and the intercourse of guileless, uneducated, kind-intentioned minds. The menaces of my persecutor seemed to forebode the inevitable interruption of this system. But I deemed it wise to put these menaces out of my consideration I compared them to death, which must infallibly overtake us we know not when; but the possibility of whose arrival next year, next week, to-morrow, must be left out of the calculation of him who would enter upon any important or well-concerted undertaking.
Influenced by these thoughts, I decided to keep what had been given to me. My next concern was about the setting I should choose, as a retreat from the life I had just saved from the executioner's grasp. The danger of being forcibly interrupted in my activities was probably, in some ways, less now than it had been before this crisis. Additionally, I was strongly affected in this decision by the deep disgust I felt for the situations I had recently faced. I didn’t know how Mr. Falkland planned to take his revenge on me; however, I was overwhelmed with an unshakeable aversion to disguise, and the thought of living my life pretending to be someone I wasn’t, made it hard for me to accept anything like that, at least for now. I felt the same kind of dislike for the city, where I had spent countless hours of deceit, sadness, and fear. Therefore, I decided to pursue the idea that had once fascinated me of retreating to some remote, rural place, a spot of tranquility and anonymity, where for a few years—perhaps for as long as Mr. Falkland lived—I could be away from the world, heal the wounds my mind had suffered from this disastrous connection, organize and improve the experiences I had gathered, develop whatever skills I had in some way, and spend the time between these activities in simple work and the company of genuine, uneducated, well-meaning people. The threats from my pursuer seemed to foreshadow an unavoidable disruption of this plan. But I considered it wise to dismiss these threats; I compared them to death, which will inevitably come at an unknown time; but the prospect of its arrival next year, next week, or tomorrow must be disregarded by anyone looking to embark on any significant or well-thought-out endeavor.
Such were the ideas that determined my choice. Thus did my youthful mind delineate the system of distant years, even when the threats of instant calamity still sounded in my ears. I was inured to the apprehension of mischief, till at last the hoarse roarings of the beginning tempest had lost their power of annihilating my peace. I however thought it necessary, while I was most palpably within the sphere of the enemy, to exert every practicable degree of vigilance. I was careful not to incur the hazards of darkness and solitude. When I left the town it was with the stage-coach, an obvious source of protection against glaring and enormous violence. Meanwhile I found myself no more exposed to molestation in my progress, than the man in the world who should have had the least reason for apprehensions of this nature. As the distance increased, I relaxed something in my precaution, though still awake to a sense of danger, and constantly pursued with the image of my foe. I fixed upon an obscure market-town in Wales as the chosen seat of my operations. This place recommended itself to my observation as I was wandering in quest of an abode. It was clean, cheerful, and of great simplicity of appearance. It was at a distance from any public and frequented road, and had nothing which could deserve the name of trade. The face of nature around it was agreeably diversified, being partly wild and romantic, and partly rich and abundant in production.
These were the thoughts that shaped my decision. This is how my youthful mind outlined a plan for years ahead, even when the threats of immediate disaster still echoed in my ears. I became so used to fearing trouble that eventually the loud roars of the approaching storm no longer disturbed my peace. However, I felt it was essential, while I was clearly in enemy territory, to stay as vigilant as possible. I made sure to avoid the dangers of darkness and solitude. When I left the town, I did so by stagecoach, a clear source of protection against blatant and violent threats. During my journey, I found myself less vulnerable to harassment than the person in the world who would have the least reason to fear such things. As I put more distance between myself and the danger, I eased up a bit on my precautions, though I remained aware of potential threats and was constantly haunted by the image of my enemy. I settled on a small, lesser-known market town in Wales as the base for my activities. This place caught my attention while I was searching for somewhere to stay. It was tidy, cheerful, and had a wonderfully simple appearance. It was far from any busy road and lacked anything resembling trade. The surrounding landscape was pleasantly varied, with some areas wild and romantic, while others were rich and bountiful.
Here I solicited employment in two professions; the first, that of a watchmaker, in which though the instructions I had received were few, they were eked out and assisted by a mind fruitful in mechanical invention; the other, that of an instructor in mathematics and its practical application, geography, astronomy, land-surveying, and navigation. Neither of these was a very copious source of emolument in the obscure retreat I had chosen for myself; but, if my receipts were slender, my disbursements were still fewer. In this little town I became acquainted with the vicar, the apothecary, the lawyer, and the rest of the persons who, time out of mind, had been regarded as the top gentry of the place. Each of these centred in himself a variety of occupations. There was little in the appearance of the vicar that reminded you of his profession, except on the recurring Sunday. At other times he condescended, with his evangelical hand to guide the plough, or to drive the cows from the field to the farm-yard for the milking. The apothecary occasionally officiated as a barber, and the lawyer was the village schoolmaster.
Here I looked for work in two fields: first, as a watchmaker. I had only limited training, but I was creative when it came to mechanical ideas. The second option was as a teacher in mathematics and its practical uses, such as geography, astronomy, land surveying, and navigation. Neither of these jobs paid much in the small town I chose to live in, but if my income was low, my expenses were even lower. In this little town, I got to know the vicar, the pharmacist, the lawyer, and others who had long been considered the upper class of the area. Each of them had a mix of jobs. The vicar didn’t really look like a clergyman except on Sundays; at other times, he could be found plowing fields or herding the cows for milking. The pharmacist sometimes cut hair, and the lawyer also worked as the village schoolteacher.
By all these persons I was received with kindness and hospitality. Among people thus remote from the bustle of human life there is an open spirit of confidence, by means of which a stranger easily finds access to their benevolence and good-will. My manners had never been greatly debauched from the simplicity of rural life by the scenes through which I had passed; and the hardships I had endured had given additional mildness to my character. In the theatre upon which I was now placed I had no rival. My mechanical occupation had hitherto been a non-resident; and the schoolmaster, who did not aspire to the sublime heights of science I professed to communicate, was willing to admit me as a partner in the task of civilising the unpolished manners of the inhabitants. For the parson, civilisation was no part of his trade; his business was with the things of a better life, not with the carnal concerns of this material scene; in truth, his thoughts were principally occupied with his oatmeal and his cows.
I was welcomed with warmth and hospitality by all these people. In places so far removed from the hustle of city life, there's a natural openness that helps a stranger connect with their kindness and goodwill. My behavior had never strayed too far from the simplicity of country living, and the challenges I faced had softened my character even more. In the setting I found myself in, I had no competition. My previous work had been remote, and the schoolmaster, who didn’t aim for the lofty goals of the science I claimed to teach, was happy to let me join in the effort to refine the rough manners of the locals. The parson, on the other hand, wasn't focused on civilization; his concerns were about spiritual matters, not the everyday issues of material life; honestly, he mostly thought about his oatmeal and his cows.
These however were not the only companions which this remote retirement afforded me. There was a family of a very different description, of which I gradually became the chosen intimate. The father was a shrewd, sensible, rational man, but who had turned his principal attention to subjects of agriculture. His wife was a truly admirable and extraordinary woman. She was the daughter of a Neapolitan nobleman, who, after having visited, and made a considerable figure, in every country in Europe, had at length received the blow of fate in this village. He had been banished his country upon suspicion of religious and political heresy, and his estates confiscated. With this only child, like Prospero in the Tempest, he had withdrawn himself to one of the most obscure and uncultivated regions of the world. Very soon however after his arrival in Wales he had been seized with a malignant fever, which carried him off in three days. He died possessed of no other property than a few jewels, and a bill of credit, to no considerable amount, upon an English banker.
However, these weren't the only companions I had in this remote retreat. There was a family of a very different kind, and I gradually became close with them. The father was a sharp, sensible, and rational man who focused primarily on agricultural topics. His wife was an truly impressive and remarkable woman. She was the daughter of a Neapolitan nobleman who, after having visited and made a significant impact in every country in Europe, ultimately faced the blow of fate in this village. He had been banished from his country due to suspicion of religious and political heresy, and his estates were confiscated. With this only child, much like Prospero in The Tempest, he had retreated to one of the most remote and undeveloped areas of the world. However, shortly after arriving in Wales, he contracted a severe fever that took his life in three days. He died with no other possessions than a few jewels and a check, which wasn’t for a significant amount, on an English banker.
Here then was the infant Laura, left in a foreign country, and without a single friend. The father of her present husband was led by motives of pure humanity to seek to mitigate the misfortunes of the dying Italian. Though a plain uninstructed man, with no extraordinary refinement of intellect, there was something in his countenance that determined the stranger in his present forlorn and melancholy situation, to make him his executor, and the guardian of his daughter. The Neapolitan understood enough of English to explain his wishes to this friendly attendant of his death-bed. As his circumstances were narrow, the servants of the stranger, two Italians, a male and a female, were sent back to their own country soon after the death of their master.
Here was the infant Laura, left in a foreign country with no friends at all. The father of her current husband was motivated by pure kindness to try to ease the suffering of the dying Italian. Though he was a simple, uneducated man without any extraordinary intellect, there was something about his face that made the stranger, in his desperate and sad situation, choose him as his executor and the guardian of his daughter. The Neapolitan knew enough English to communicate his wishes to the kind person at his deathbed. Since his means were limited, the stranger's servants, a male and a female Italian, were sent back to their home country shortly after their master died.
Laura was at this time eight years of age. At these tender years she had been susceptible of little direct instruction; and, as she grew up, even the memory of her father became, from year to year, more vague and indistinct in her mind. But there was something she derived from her father, whether along with the life he bestowed, or as the consequence of his instruction and manners, which no time could efface. Every added year of her life contributed to develop the fund of her accomplishments. She read, she observed, she reflected. Without instructors, she taught herself to draw, to sing, and to understand the more polite European languages. As she had no society in this remote situation but that of peasants, she had no idea of honour or superiority to be derived from her acquisitions; but pursued them from a secret taste, and as the sources of personal enjoyment.
Laura was eight years old at this time. At such a young age, she had received little direct instruction; and as she grew older, even her memories of her father became more vague and unclear in her mind. However, there was something she inherited from him, whether through the life he gave her or as a result of his teachings and demeanor, that no amount of time could erase. Each year of her life helped her develop her talents. She read, she observed, and she reflected. Without teachers, she taught herself to draw, to sing, and to understand the more refined European languages. Since her only company in this isolated place was the local peasants, she had no concept of honor or superiority associated with her skills; she pursued them purely out of a personal passion and for her own enjoyment.
A mutual attachment gradually arose between her and the only son of her guardian. His father led him, from early youth, to the labours and the sports of the field, and there was little congeniality between his pursuits and those of Laura. But this was a defect that she was slow to discover. She had never been accustomed to society in her chosen amusements, and habit at that time even made her conceive, that they were indebted to solitude for an additional relish. The youthful rustic had great integrity, great kindness of heart, and was a lad of excellent sense. He was florid, well-proportioned, and the goodness of his disposition made his manners amiable. Accomplishments greater than these she had never seen in human form, since the death of her father. In fact, she is scarcely to be considered as a sufferer in this instance; since, in her forlorn and destitute condition, it is little probable, when we consider the habits and notions that now prevail, that her accomplishments, unassisted by fortune, would have procured her an equal alliance in marriage.
A mutual attraction slowly developed between her and the only son of her guardian. His father introduced him, from a young age, to the hard work and play of the countryside, and there was not much in common between his interests and Laura's. But she was slow to realize this flaw. She had never been used to being around others in her chosen activities, and at that time, she even believed that solitude added extra enjoyment to them. The young country boy had great integrity, a warm heart, and was quite sensible. He was sturdy, well-built, and his kind nature made him pleasant to be around. She had never seen anyone with greater qualities than these since her father's death. In fact, she wasn't really a victim in this situation; given her lonely and unfortunate circumstances, it's unlikely, considering the current habits and ideas, that her talents, without financial support, would have led her to a similar match in marriage.
When she became a mother her heart opened to a new affection. The idea now presented itself, which had never occurred before, that in her children at least she might find the partners and companions of her favourite employments. She was, at the time of my arrival, mother of four, the eldest of which was a son. To all of them she had been a most assiduous instructor. It was well for her perhaps that she obtained this sphere for the exercise of her mind. It came just at the period when the charm which human life derives from novelty is beginning to wear off. It gave her new activity and animation. It is perhaps impossible that the refinements of which human nature is capable should not, after a time, subside into sluggishness, if they be not aided by the influence of society and affection.
When she became a mother, her heart opened up to a new kind of love. The idea, which had never occurred to her before, now emerged that she might find in her children the partners and companions for her favorite activities. At the time I arrived, she was the mother of four, the oldest being a son. She had been a very dedicated teacher to all of them. It was probably a good thing for her that she found this new role just as the excitement of novelty in life was starting to fade. It brought her renewed energy and enthusiasm. It's likely that the complexities of human nature can't help but settle into a kind of dullness over time if they aren't supported by the influence of society and love.
The son of the Welch farmer by this admirable woman was about seventeen years of age at the time of my settlement in their neighbourhood. His eldest sister was one year younger than himself. The whole family composed a group, with which a lover of tranquillity and virtue would have delighted to associate in any situation. It is easy therefore to conceive how much I rejoiced in their friendship, in this distant retirement, and suffering, as I felt myself, from the maltreatment and desertion of my species. The amiable Laura had a wonderful quickness of eye, and rapidity of apprehension; but this feature in her countenance was subdued by a sweetness of disposition, such as I never in any other instance saw expressed in the looks of a human being. She soon distinguished me by her kindness and friendship; for, living as she had done, though familiar with the written productions of a cultivated intellect, she had never seen the thing itself realised in a living being, except in the person of her father. She delighted to converse with me upon subjects of literature and taste, and she eagerly invited my assistance in the education of her children. The son, though young, had been so happily improved and instructed by his mother, that I found in him nearly all the most essential qualities we require in a friend. Engagement and inclination equally led me to pass a considerable part of every day in this agreeable society. Laura treated me as if I had been one of the family; and I sometimes flattered myself that I might one day become such in reality. What an enviable resting-place for me, who had known nothing but calamity, and had scarcely dared to look for sympathy and kindness in the countenance of a human being!
The son of the Welch farmer, who was raised by this wonderful woman, was about seventeen when I settled in their area. His older sister was a year younger than him. The whole family formed a group that anyone who valued peace and goodness would have loved to be around in any situation. So, it's easy to understand how much I appreciated their friendship during this remote time, especially as I felt the pain of mistreatment and abandonment by my fellow humans. The lovely Laura had a remarkable sharpness in her eyes and was quick to understand things, but that was tempered by a kindness in her demeanor that I had never seen expressed in anyone else. She quickly recognized me with her kindness and friendship; having lived in her situation, though familiar with the writings of educated minds, she had never seen the reality of that in a person except with her father. She loved discussing literature and arts with me, and she eagerly asked for my help in educating her children. Her son, though young, had been so well taught and inspired by her that I found in him almost all the essential qualities we seek in a friend. Both engagement and attraction led me to spend a large part of each day in this delightful company. Laura treated me as if I were part of the family, and sometimes I fancied that I might actually become one of them one day. What an enviable refuge this was for me, someone who had known nothing but struggle and had hardly dared to hope for sympathy and kindness from another person!
The sentiments of friendship which early disclosed themselves between me and the member of this amiable family daily became stronger. At every interview, the confidence reposed in me by the mother increased. While our familiarity gained in duration, it equally gained in that subtlety of communication by which it seemed to shoot forth its roots in every direction. There are a thousand little evanescent touches in the development of a growing friendship, that are neither thought of, nor would be understood, between common acquaintances. I honoured and esteemed the respectable Laura like a mother; for, though the difference of our ages was by no means sufficient to authorise the sentiment, it was irresistibly suggested to me by the fact of her always being presented to my observation under the maternal character. Her son was a lad of great understanding, generosity, and feeling, and of no contemptible acquirements; while his tender years, and the uncommon excellence of his mother, subtracted something from the independence of his judgment, and impressed him with a sort of religious deference for her will. In the eldest daughter I beheld the image of Laura; for that I felt attached to her for the present; and I sometimes conceived it probable that hereafter I might learn to love her for her own sake.—Alas, it was thus that I amused myself with the visions of distant years, while I stood in reality on the brink of the precipice!
The feelings of friendship that first emerged between me and the members of this lovely family grew stronger each day. With every meeting, the trust the mother had in me increased. As our familiarity deepened, the way we connected became subtler, as if it was spreading its roots in every direction. There are countless fleeting moments in the development of a growing friendship that aren’t consciously noticed or would be misunderstood among typical acquaintances. I respected and cherished Laura like a mother; even though our age difference didn’t justify that feeling, it was an instinctive response, given that she always appeared to me in that maternal role. Her son was a bright, generous, and sensitive young man with impressive skills. However, his youth, combined with his mother’s exceptional nature, somewhat limited his independent judgment and instilled in him a sort of respectful deference to her wishes. In the eldest daughter, I saw the image of Laura; I felt a connection to her at that moment, and I sometimes imagined that in the future, I might come to love her for who she was. — Alas, it was like this that I entertained myself with dreams of the distant future while I stood in reality on the edge of a cliff!
It will perhaps be thought strange that I never once communicated the particulars of my story to this amiable matron, or to my young friend, for such I may also venture to call him, her son. But in truth I abhorred the memory of this story; I placed all my hopes of happiness in the prospect of its being consigned to oblivion. I fondly flattered myself that such would be the event: in the midst of my unlooked-for happiness, I scarcely recollected, or, recollecting, was disposed to yield but a small degree of credit to, the menaces of Mr. Falkland.
It might seem odd that I never shared the details of my story with this lovely woman or my young friend, whom I can also call her son. But honestly, I hated the memory of that story; I pinned all my hopes for happiness on the idea of forgetting it completely. I naively convinced myself that’s how it would turn out: in the midst of my unexpected happiness, I hardly remembered it at all, and when I did, I was inclined to dismiss Mr. Falkland's threats as insignificant.
One day, that I was sitting alone with the accomplished Laura, she repeated his all-dreadful name. I started with astonishment, amazed that a woman like this, who knew nobody, who lived as it were alone in a corner of the universe, who had never in a single instance entered into any fashionable circle, this admirable and fascinating hermit, should, by some unaccountable accident, have become acquainted with this fatal and tremendous name. Astonishment however was not my only sensation. I became pale with terror; I rose from my seat; I attempted to sit down again; I reeled out of the room, and hastened to bury myself in solitude. The unexpectedness of the incident took from me all precaution, and overwhelmed my faculties. The penetrating Laura observed my behaviour; but nothing further occurred to excite her attention to it at that time; and, concluding from my manner that enquiry would be painful to me, she humanely suppressed her curiosity.
One day, while I was sitting alone with the impressive Laura, she suddenly mentioned his dreadful name. I was shocked, amazed that a woman like her, who knew no one and lived somewhat like a recluse in a corner of the universe, who had never once entered any trendy social circle, this admirable and captivating hermit, could have somehow stumbled upon this fatal and terrifying name. But shock wasn’t my only feeling. I turned pale with fear; I got up from my chair; tried to sit back down; then staggered out of the room and rushed to hide in solitude. The unexpectedness of the moment drained me of all caution and overwhelmed my thoughts. The perceptive Laura noticed my behavior, but nothing else happened to catch her attention at that moment; and, sensing that asking me about it would be distressing, she kindly held back her curiosity.
I afterwards found that Mr. Falkland had been known to the father of Laura; that he had been acquainted with the story of Count Malvesi, and with a number of other transactions redounding in the highest degree to the credit of the gallant Englishman. The Neapolitan had left letters in which these transactions were recorded, and which spoke of Mr. Falkland in the highest terms of panegyric. Laura had been used to regard every little relic of her father with a sort of religious veneration; and, by this accident, the name of Mr. Falkland was connected in her mind with the sentiments of unbounded esteem.
I later discovered that Mr. Falkland had known Laura's father; he was familiar with the story of Count Malvesi and several other events that greatly enhanced the reputation of the brave Englishman. The Neapolitan had left letters documenting these events and praising Mr. Falkland in the highest terms. Laura had always viewed every small keepsake of her father with a sense of deep reverence, and because of this chance occurrence, Mr. Falkland's name became associated in her mind with feelings of immense respect.
The scene by which I was surrounded was perhaps more grateful to me, than it would have been to most other persons with my degree of intellectual cultivation. Sore with persecution and distress, and bleeding at almost every vein, there was nothing I so much coveted as rest and tranquillity. It seemed as if my faculties were, at least for the time, exhausted by the late preternatural intensity of their exertions, and that they stood indispensably in need of a period of comparative suspension.
The scene around me was likely more appreciated by me than it would have been by most people with my level of education. Wounded by persecution and hardship, and feeling drained in every way, nothing was more desirable to me than rest and peace. It felt like my abilities were, at least for now, worn out from the recent extreme demands placed on them, and they desperately needed a break.
This was however but a temporary feeling. My mind had always been active, and I was probably indebted to the sufferings I had endured, and the exquisite and increased susceptibility they produced, for new energies. I soon felt the desire of some additional and vigorous pursuit. In this state of mind, I met by accident, in a neglected corner of the house of one of my neighbours, with a general dictionary of four of the northern languages. This incident gave a direction to my thoughts. In my youth I had not been inattentive to languages. I determined to attempt, at least for my own use, an etymological analysis of the English language. I easily perceived, that this pursuit had one advantage to a person in my situation, and that a small number of books, consulted with this view, would afford employment for a considerable time. I procured other dictionaries. In my incidental reading, I noted the manner in which words were used, and applied these remarks to the illustration of my general enquiry. I was unintermitted in my assiduity, and my collections promised to accumulate. Thus I was provided with sources both of industry and recreation, the more completely to divert my thoughts from the recollection of my past misfortunes.
This was, however, just a temporary feeling. My mind had always been active, and I probably owed my new energy to the struggles I had gone through and the heightened sensitivity they caused. Soon, I felt a need for some vigorous pursuit. In this state of mind, I accidentally found a general dictionary of four northern languages in a neglected corner of a neighbor's house. This incident sparked a new direction for my thoughts. In my younger years, I wasn't oblivious to languages. I decided to try, at least for my own benefit, an etymological analysis of the English language. I quickly realized that this pursuit had an advantage for someone in my situation: a small number of books focused on this would keep me busy for quite a while. I got other dictionaries. In my casual reading, I took note of how words were used and applied these observations to my broader inquiry. I was relentless in my diligence, and my collection seemed to grow. Thus, I found sources for both work and enjoyment, effectively diverting my thoughts from the memories of my past misfortunes.
In this state, so grateful to my feelings, week after week glided away without interruption and alarm. The situation in which I was now placed had some resemblance to that in which I had spent my earlier years, with the advantage of a more attractive society, and a riper judgment. I began to look back upon the intervening period as upon a distempered and tormenting dream; or rather perhaps my feelings were like those of a man recovered from an interval of raging delirium, from ideas of horror, confusion, flight, persecution, agony, and despair! When I recollected what I had undergone, it was not without satisfaction, as the recollection of a thing that was past; every day augmented my hope that it was never to return. Surely the dark and terrific menaces of Mr. Falkland were rather the perturbed suggestions of his angry mind, than the final result of a deliberate and digested system! How happy should I feel, beyond the ordinary lot of man, if, after the terrors I had undergone, I should now find myself unexpectedly restored to the immunities of a human being!
In this state, feeling thankful for my emotions, week after week passed by without any interruptions or worries. The situation I was in now was somewhat similar to my earlier years, but with the added benefits of more appealing company and a wiser perspective. I started to view the time in between as if it were a troubling and painful dream; or more accurately, my feelings were like those of someone who had come back from a period of intense feverish delirium, filled with horror, confusion, escape, persecution, agony, and despair! When I thought about what I had endured, it was with a sense of contentment, as a memory of something that was over; each day increased my hope that it would never happen again. Surely the dark and terrifying threats from Mr. Falkland were more likely the disturbed thoughts of his angry mind rather than the conclusion of a well-planned scheme! How happy I would feel, more than the usual person, if after all the fears I had faced, I found myself unexpectedly restored to the freedoms of being human!
While I was thus soothing my mind with fond imaginations, it happened that a few bricklayers and their labourers came over from a distance of five or six miles, to work upon some additions to one of the better sort of houses in the town, which had changed its tenant. No incident could be more trivial than this, had it not been for a strange coincidence of time between this circumstance, and a change which introduced itself into my situation. This first manifested itself in a sort of shyness with which I was treated, first by one person, and then another, of my new-formed acquaintance. They were backward to enter into conversation with me, and answered my enquiries with an awkward and embarrassed air. When they met me in the street or the field, their countenances contracted a cloud, and they endeavoured to shun me. My scholars quitted me one after another; and I had no longer any employment in my mechanical profession. It is impossible to describe the sensations, which the gradual but uninterrupted progress of this revolution produced in my mind. It seemed as if I had some contagious disease, from which every man shrunk with alarm, and left me to perish unassisted and alone. I asked one man and another to explain to me the meaning of these appearances; but every one avoided the task, and answered in an evasive and ambiguous manner. I sometimes supposed that it was all a delusion of the imagination; till the repetition of the sensation brought the reality too painfully home to my apprehension. There are few things that give a greater shock to the mind, than a phenomenon in the conduct of our fellow men, of great importance to our concerns, and for which we are unable to assign any plausible reason. At times I was half inclined to believe that the change was not in other men, but that some alienation of my own understanding generated the horrid vision. I endeavoured to awaken from my dream, and return to my former state of enjoyment and happiness; but in vain. To the same consideration it may be ascribed, that, unacquainted with the source of the evil, observing its perpetual increase, and finding it, so far as I could perceive, entirely arbitrary in its nature, I was unable to ascertain its limits, or the degree in which it would finally overwhelm me.
While I was calming my mind with pleasant thoughts, a few bricklayers and their laborers came over from about five or six miles away to work on some additions to one of the nicer houses in town, which had recently gotten a new tenant. This incident would have been completely trivial if it weren't for a strange timing coincidence between this situation and a shift in my own circumstances. This shift first showed up as a sort of shyness directed toward me, first from one person, then from another, among my new acquaintances. They hesitated to engage in conversation with me and answered my questions with an awkward and uncomfortable demeanor. When they encountered me on the street or in the field, their faces would cloud over, and they tried to avoid me. My students left me one by one, and I no longer had any work in my trade. It’s impossible to describe the feelings that this slow but steady change stirred in my mind. It felt like I had some contagious illness that everyone shrank away from, leaving me to suffer alone and without help. I asked various people to clarify the meaning of this behavior, but everyone avoided the question and responded in vague, ambiguous ways. At times, I thought it might all be a trick of my imagination, until the recurring feelings brought the harsh reality home to me. Few things shock the mind more than seeing behavior from others that significantly impacts our lives, and for which we can't find any reasonable explanation. Sometimes I almost convinced myself that the change wasn’t in other people, but rather some disconnect in my own perception that created this dreadful vision. I tried to shake myself awake from this nightmare and return to my previous state of enjoyment and happiness, but it was futile. It may also explain why, not knowing the cause of this problem, witnessing its constant increase, and finding it completely arbitrary in nature as far as I could tell, I couldn't figure out its limits or how much it would ultimately overwhelm me.
In the midst however of the wonderful and seemingly inexplicable nature of this scene, there was one idea that instantly obtruded itself, and that I could never after banish from my mind. It is Falkland! In vain I struggled against the seeming improbability of the supposition. In vain I said, "Mr. Falkland, wise as he is, and pregnant in resources, acts by human, not by supernatural means. He may overtake me by surprise, and in a manner of which I had no previous expectation; but he cannot produce a great and notorious effect without some visible agency, however difficult it may be to trace that agency to its absolute author. He cannot, like those invisible personages who are supposed from time to time to interfere in human affairs, ride in the whirlwind, shroud himself in clouds and impenetrable darkness, and scatter destruction upon the earth from his secret habitation." Thus it was that I bribed my imagination, and endeavoured to persuade myself that my present unhappiness originated in a different source from my former. All evils appeared trivial to me, in comparison with the recollection and perpetuation of my parent misfortune. I felt like a man distracted, by the incoherence of my ideas to my present situation, excluding from it the machinations of Mr. Falkland, on the one hand; and on the other, by the horror I conceived at the bare possibility of again encountering his animosity, after a suspension of many weeks, a suspension as I had hoped for ever. An interval like this was an age to a person in the calamitous situation I had so long experienced. But, in spite of my efforts, I could not banish from my mind the dreadful idea. My original conceptions of the genius and perseverance of Mr. Falkland had been such, that I could with difficulty think any thing impossible to him. I knew not how to set up my own opinions of material causes and the powers of the human mind, as the limits of existence. Mr. Falkland had always been to my imagination an object of wonder, and that which excites our wonder we scarcely suppose ourselves competent to analyse.
In the middle of this amazing and seemingly unexplainable scene, one thought immediately popped into my head that I couldn't shake off. It's Falkland! I struggled in vain against the seeming unlikelihood of this idea. I told myself, "Mr. Falkland, as smart and resourceful as he is, operates through human, not supernatural means. He might catch me off guard in a way I didn’t expect, but he can’t create a major and well-known impact without some visible action, no matter how hard it is to trace that action to its true source. He can’t, like those invisible beings thought to sometimes interfere in human affairs, ride in the whirlwind, cloak himself in clouds and impenetrable darkness, and unleash chaos on the earth from his hidden lair." This is how I tried to convince myself that my current unhappiness came from a different source than before. All my troubles felt minor compared to the ongoing weight of my family’s misfortune. I felt like a person losing their mind, as the chaos in my thoughts related to my present situation excluded, on one side, Falkland's schemes; and on the other, the dread I felt at the mere chance of facing his hostility again after weeks of silence—a silence I had hoped would last forever. A break like that felt like an eternity to someone in the miserable state I had endured for so long. But despite my efforts, I couldn’t shake off the terrifying thought. My initial ideas about Falkland's brilliance and determination were such that I could hardly believe anything was impossible for him. I didn’t know how to establish my own views on material causes and the powers of the human mind as the limits of reality. Falkland had always seemed to me a figure of fascination, and when something intrigues us, we often feel incapable of analyzing it.
It may well be conceived, that one of the first persons to whom I thought of applying for an explanation of this dreadful mystery was the accomplished Laura. My disappointment here cut me to the heart. I was not prepared for it. I recollected the ingenuousness of her nature, the frankness of her manners, the partiality with which she had honoured me. If I were mortified with the coldness, the ruggedness, and the cruel mistake of principles with which the village inhabitants repelled my enquiries, the mortification I suffered, only drove me more impetuously to seek the cure of my griefs from this object of my admiration. "In Laura," said I, "I am secure from these vulgar prejudices. I confide in her justice. I am sure she will not cast me off unheard, nor without strictly examining a question on all sides, in which every thing that is valuable to a person she once esteemed, may be involved."
I must admit, one of the first people I thought to ask about this terrible mystery was the amazing Laura. I was heartbroken by my disappointment. I wasn’t ready for it. I remembered how genuine she was, her open nature, and the special attention she had shown me. While I felt humiliated by the coldness, harshness, and the cruel misunderstandings from the villagers when I sought answers, that mortification only pushed me harder to find relief for my troubles from the one I admired. “With Laura," I told myself, "I can escape these narrow-minded views. I trust her fairness. I know she won’t dismiss me without hearing me out, nor will she shy away from thoroughly considering a matter that involves everything valuable to someone she once cared for.”
Thus encouraging myself, I turned my steps to the place of her residence. As I passed along I called up all my recollection, I summoned my faculties. "I may be made miserable," said I, "but it shall not be for want of any exertion of mine, that promises to lead to happiness. I will be clear, collected, simple in narrative, ingenuous in communication. I will leave nothing unsaid that the case may require. I will not volunteer any thing that relates to my former transactions with Mr. Falkland; but, if I find that my present calamity is connected with those transactions, I will not fear but that by an honest explanation I shall remove it."
Encouraging myself, I made my way to her place. As I walked, I tried to remember everything and focused my thoughts. "I might end up unhappy," I told myself, "but it won't be because I didn't put in the effort that could lead to happiness. I will be clear, calm, straightforward in my story, and honest in my communication. I won't leave anything out that seems important. I won't bring up my past dealings with Mr. Falkland, but if I discover that my current troubles are linked to those dealings, I believe that a sincere explanation will help clear things up."
I knocked at the door. A servant appeared, and told me that her mistress hoped I would excuse her; she must really beg to dispense with my visit.
I knocked on the door. A servant came to the door and told me that her mistress hoped I would understand; she really needed to cancel my visit.
I was thunderstruck. I was rooted to the spot. I had been carefully preparing my mind for every thing that I supposed likely to happen, but this event had not entered into my calculations. I roused myself in a partial degree, and walked away without uttering a word.
I was shocked. I was frozen in place. I had been mentally preparing for everything I thought might happen, but this event hadn’t been in my plans. I managed to gather myself a little and walked away without saying a word.
I had not gone far before I perceived one of the workmen following me, who put into my hands a billet. The contents were these:—
I hadn’t gotten far before I noticed one of the workers following me, who handed me a note. The contents were as follows:—
"MR. WILLIAMS,
"Mr. Williams,"
"Let me see you no more. I have a right at least to expect your compliance with this requisition; and, upon that condition, I pardon the enormous impropriety and guilt with which you have conducted yourself to me and my family.
"Don’t let me see you again. I at least have the right to expect you to comply with this request; and on that condition, I forgive the huge disrespect and wrongdoing you’ve shown toward me and my family."
"LAURA DENISON."
"Laura Denison."
The sensations with which I read these few lines are indescribable. I found in them a dreadful confirmation of the calamity that on all sides invaded me. But what I felt most was the unmoved coldness with which they appeared to be written. This coldness from Laura, my comforter, my friend, my mother! To dismiss, to cast me off for ever, without one thought of compunction!
The feelings I had while reading these few lines are beyond words. They provided a horrifying confirmation of the disaster that surrounded me. But what hit me hardest was the icy indifference with which they seemed to be written. This indifference from Laura, my comforter, my friend, my mother! To reject me, to abandon me forever, without a hint of remorse!
I determined however, in spite of her requisition, and in spite of her coldness, to have an explanation with her. I did not despair of conquering the antipathy she harboured. I did not fear that I should rouse her from the vulgar and unworthy conception, of condemning a man, in points the most material to his happiness, without stating the accusations that are urged against him, and without hearing him in reply.
I decided, however, despite her request and her coldness, to have a talk with her. I wasn't discouraged by the dislike she felt. I wasn't afraid that I would shake her from the shallow and unkind idea of judging a man on matters that greatly affect his happiness without presenting the accusations against him or giving him a chance to respond.
Though I had no doubt, by means of resolution, of gaining access to her in her house, yet I preferred taking her unprepared, and not warmed against me by any previous contention. Accordingly, the next morning, at the time she usually devoted to half an hour's air and exercise, I hastened to her garden, leaped the paling, and concealed myself in an arbour. Presently I saw, from my retreat, the younger part of the family strolling through the garden, and from thence into the fields; but it was not my business to be seen by them. I looked after them however with earnestness, unobserved; and I could not help asking myself, with a deep and heartfelt sigh, whether it were possible that I saw them now for the last time?
Though I was sure that I could gain access to her at her house, I preferred to catch her off guard, without any previous argument having warmed her up against me. So, the next morning, during the half hour she usually spent outside for some fresh air and exercise, I rushed to her garden, jumped over the fence, and hid in a little shelter. Soon, from my hiding spot, I saw the younger family members wandering through the garden and then into the fields, but it wasn’t my place to be seen by them. I watched them closely, unnoticed, and I couldn’t help but wonder, with a deep and heartfelt sigh, if it was possible that I was seeing them for the last time.
They had not advanced far into the fields, before their mother made her appearance. I observed in her her usual serenity and sweetness of countenance. I could feel my heart knocking against my ribs. My whole frame was in a tumult. I stole out of the arbour; and, as I advanced nearer, my pace became quickened.
They hadn’t gotten far into the fields when their mother showed up. I noticed her usual calmness and kind expression. My heart was racing. I was completely unsettled. I quietly left the shelter, and as I got closer, I picked up my pace.
"For God's sake, madam," exclaimed I, "give me a hearing! Do not avoid me!"
"For heaven's sake, ma'am," I exclaimed, "please listen to me! Don't shut me out!"
She stood still. "No, sir," she replied, "I shall not avoid you. I wished you to dispense with this meeting; but since I cannot obtain that—I am conscious of no wrong; and therefore, though the meeting gives me pain, it inspires me with no fear."
She stood still. "No, sir," she replied, "I won't avoid you. I wanted you to skip this meeting; but since I can't get that—I'm aware of no wrongdoing; and therefore, even though this meeting causes me pain, it doesn't make me afraid."
"Oh, madam," answered I, "my friend! the object of all my reverence! whom I once ventured to call my mother! can you wish not to hear me? Can you have no anxiety for my justification, whatever may be the unfavourable impression you may have received against me?"
"Oh, ma'am," I said, "my friend! the one I look up to! whom I once dared to call my mother! Do you not want to hear me? Don't you feel any concern for my defense, no matter what negative impression you may have received about me?"
"Not an atom. I have neither wish nor inclination to hear you. That tale which, in its plain and unadorned state, is destructive of the character of him to whom it relates, no colouring can make an honest one."
"Not a word. I have no desire or interest in hearing you. That story, in its simple and straightforward form, tarnishes the reputation of the person it concerns; no embellishment can make it truthful."
"Good God! Can you think of condemning a man when you have heard only one side of his story?"
"Good grief! How can you judge someone when you've only heard one side of their story?"
"Indeed I can," replied she with dignity. "The maxim of hearing both sides may be very well in some cases; but it would be ridiculous to suppose that there are not cases, that, at the first mention, are too clear to admit the shadow of a doubt. By a well-concerted defence you may give me new reasons to admire your abilities; but I am acquainted with them already. I can admire your abilities, without tolerating your character."
"Of course I can," she replied with poise. "The idea of hearing both sides might work in some situations, but it would be absurd to think that there aren't cases that, at first glance, are too obvious to leave any doubt. With a well-prepared defense, you might give me new reasons to appreciate your skills; but I'm already aware of them. I can admire your abilities without accepting your character."
"Madam! Amiable, exemplary Laura! whom, in the midst of all your harshness and inflexibility, I honour! I conjure you, by every thing that is sacred, to tell me what it is that has filled you with this sudden aversion to me."
"Ma'am! Lovely, outstanding Laura! Even with all your tough and unyielding ways, I admire you! I beg you, by everything that’s important, to tell me what’s caused this sudden dislike for me."
"No, sir; that you shall never obtain from me. I have nothing to say to you. I stand still and hear you; because virtue disdains to appear abashed and confounded in the presence of vice. Your conduct even at this moment, in my opinion, condemns you. True virtue refuses the drudgery of explanation and apology. True virtue shines by its own light, and needs no art to set it off. You have the first principles of morality as yet to learn."
"No, sir; you'll never get that from me. I have nothing to say to you. I’ll stand here and listen to you because virtue doesn’t shy away or feel embarrassed in front of vice. Your behavior right now, in my view, proves how wrong you are. True virtue doesn’t waste time with explanations or excuses. True virtue stands out on its own and doesn’t need any tricks to show it off. You still have the basics of morality to learn."
"And can you imagine, that the most upright conduct is always superior to the danger of ambiguity?"
"And can you believe that acting with integrity is always better than dealing with the risk of confusion?"
"Exactly so. Virtue, sir, consists in actions, and not in words. The good man and the bad are characters precisely opposite, not characters distinguished from each other by imperceptible shades. The Providence that rules us all, has not permitted us to be left without a clew in the most important of all questions. Eloquence may seek to confound it; but it shall be my care to avoid its deceptive influence. I do not wish to have my understanding perverted, and all the differences of things concealed from my apprehension."
"Exactly. Virtue, sir, is about actions, not words. A good person and a bad person are completely different, not just slightly different in small ways. The Providence that guides us hasn’t left us without a clue in the most important questions. While eloquence may try to confuse it, I will do my best to resist its misleading influence. I don’t want my understanding twisted or all the differences between things hidden from my view."
"Madam, madam! it would be impossible for you to hold this language, if you had not always lived in this obscure retreat, if you had ever been conversant with the passions and institutions of men."
"Ma'am, ma'am! It would be impossible for you to speak this way if you hadn’t always lived in this hidden place, if you had ever been familiar with people's feelings and society."
"It may be so. And, if that be the case, I have great reason to be thankful to my God, who has thus enabled me to preserve the innocence of my heart, and the integrity of my understanding."
"It could be true. And if that’s the case, I have plenty of reasons to be thankful to my God, who has helped me keep the innocence of my heart and the clarity of my mind."
"Can you believe then that ignorance is the only, or the safest, preservative of integrity?"
"Can you believe that ignorance is the only, or the safest, way to preserve integrity?"
"Sir, I told you at first, and I repeat to you again, that all your declamation is in vain. I wish you would have saved me and yourself that pain which is the only thing that can possibly result from it. But let us suppose that virtue could ever be the equivocal thing you would have me believe. Is it possible, if you had been honest, that you would not have acquainted me with your story? Is it possible, that you would have left me to have been informed of it by a mere accident, and with all the shocking aggravations you well knew that accident would give it? Is it possible you should have violated the most sacred of all trusts, and have led me unknowingly to admit to the intercourse of my children a character, which if, as you pretend, it is substantially honest, you cannot deny to be blasted and branded in the face of the whole world? Go, sir; I despise you. You are a monster and not a man. I cannot tell whether my personal situation misleads me; but, to my thinking, this last action of yours is worse than all the rest. Nature has constituted me the protector of my children. I shall always remember and resent the indelible injury you have done them. You have wounded me to the very heart, and have taught me to what a pitch the villainy of man can extend."
"Look, I told you from the start, and I’m saying it again—your speeches are pointless. I wish you had spared us both the pain, which is the only thing that can come from this. But let’s assume that virtue could actually be as ambiguous as you want me to believe. Is it really possible that if you were honest, you wouldn't have told me your story? Is it possible that you would let me find out about it by mere chance, with all the awful details you knew that chance would include? Is it possible you could have betrayed the most sacred trust and led me, without my knowledge, to let a person into my children's lives who, if you’re being honest as you claim, is totally tarnished and shamed in the eyes of the world? Go on, I despise you. You are a monster, not a man. I can't tell if my personal situation is clouding my judgment, but in my opinion, this last thing you did is worse than everything else. Nature has made me the protector of my children. I will always remember and resent the lasting harm you've done to them. You've hurt me to the core and shown me just how low human wickedness can go."
"Madam, I can be silent no longer. I see that you have by some means come to a hearing of the story of Mr. Falkland."
"Madam, I can't stay silent any longer. I see that you've somehow heard the story of Mr. Falkland."
"I have. I am astonished you have the effrontery to pronounce his name. That name has been a denomination, as far back as my memory can reach, for the most exalted of mortals, the wisest and most generous of men."
"I have. I'm shocked that you have the nerve to say his name. That name has stood for, as far back as I can remember, the most distinguished of people, the wisest and most kind-hearted of men."
"Madam, I owe it to myself to set you right on this subject. Mr. Falkland—"
"Ma'am, I need to clear things up for you on this matter. Mr. Falkland—"
"Mr. Williams, I see my children returning from the fields, and coming this way. The basest action you ever did was the obtruding yourself upon them as an instructor. I insist that you see them no more. I command you to be silent. I command you to withdraw. If you persist in your absurd resolution of expostulating with me, you must take some other time."
"Mr. Williams, I see my kids coming back from the fields and heading this way. The worst thing you ever did was force yourself on them as a teacher. I insist that you don’t see them anymore. I order you to be quiet. I command you to leave. If you continue with your ridiculous idea of arguing with me, you’ll have to choose another time."
I could continue no longer. I was in a manner heart-broken through the whole of this dialogue. I could not think of protracting the pain of this admirable woman, upon whom, though I was innocent of the crimes she imputed to me, I had inflicted so much pain already. I yielded to the imperiousness of her commands, and withdrew.
I couldn't go on any longer. I felt completely heartbroken throughout this entire conversation. I couldn't bear to prolong the suffering of this incredible woman, who, even though I was innocent of the accusations she made against me, I had already caused so much pain. I gave in to the forcefulness of her requests and stepped away.
I hastened, without knowing why, from the presence of Laura to my own habitation. Upon entering the house, an apartment of which I occupied, I found it totally deserted of its usual inhabitants. The woman and her children were gone to enjoy the freshness of the breeze. The husband was engaged in his usual out-door occupations. The doors of persons of the lower order in this part of the country are secured, in the day-time, only with a latch. I entered, and went into the kitchen of the family. Here, as I looked round, my eyes accidentally glanced upon a paper lying in one corner, which, by some association I was unable to explain, roused in me a strong sensation of suspicion and curiosity. I eagerly went towards it, caught it up, and found it to be the very paper of the WONDERFUL AND SURPRISING HISTORY OF CALEB WILLIAMS, the discovery of which, towards the close of my residence in London, had produced in me such inexpressible anguish.
I hurried out, not knowing why, from Laura's presence to my own place. Once I got home, I found it completely empty of its usual residents. The woman and her kids had gone out to enjoy the fresh breeze. The husband was busy with his usual outdoor tasks. In this part of the country, the doors of lower-class homes are secured with just a latch during the day. I walked in and headed to the family's kitchen. As I looked around, my eyes randomly fell on a paper lying in one corner, which, for some reason I couldn't explain, sparked a strong feeling of suspicion and curiosity in me. I quickly went over to it, picked it up, and discovered it was the very paper of the WONDERFUL AND SURPRISING HISTORY OF CALEB WILLIAMS, the finding of which, towards the end of my time in London, had caused me such deep distress.
This encounter at once cleared up all the mystery that hung upon my late transactions. Abhorred and intolerable certainty succeeded to the doubts which had haunted my mind. It struck me with the rapidity of lightning. I felt a sudden torpor and sickness that pervaded every fibre of my frame.
This meeting immediately clarified all the confusion surrounding my recent actions. A hated and unbearable certainty replaced the doubts that had troubled me. It hit me like a lightning bolt. I felt a sudden numbness and sickness that spread through every part of my body.
Was there no hope that remained for me? Was acquittal useless? Was there no period, past or in prospect, that could give relief to my sufferings? Was the odious and atrocious falsehood that had been invented against me, to follow me wherever I went, to strip me of character, to deprive me of the sympathy and good-will of mankind, to wrest from me the very bread by which life must be sustained?
Was there no hope left for me? Was being found not guilty pointless? Was there no moment, past or future, that could ease my pain? Would the horrible and vicious lie that had been made up against me follow me everywhere, strip me of my reputation, rob me of the support and kindness of others, and take away the very means by which I could live?
For the space perhaps of half an hour the agony I felt from this termination to my tranquillity, and the expectation it excited of the enmity which would follow me through every retreat, was such as to bereave me of all consistent thinking, much more of the power of coming to any resolution. As soon as this giddiness and horror of the mind subsided, and the deadly calm that invaded my faculties was no more, one stiff and master gale gained the ascendancy, and drove me to an instant desertion of this late cherished retreat. I had no patience to enter into further remonstrance and explanation with the inhabitants of my present residence. I believed that it was in vain to hope to recover the favourable prepossession and tranquillity I had lately enjoyed. In encountering the prejudices that were thus armed against me, I should have to deal with a variety of dispositions, and, though I might succeed with some, I could not expect to succeed with all. I had seen too much of the reign of triumphant falsehood, to have that sanguine confidence in the effects of my innocence, which would have suggested itself to the mind of any other person of my propensities and my age. The recent instance which had occurred in my conversation with Laura might well contribute to discourage me. I could not endure the thought of opposing the venom that was thus scattered against me, in detail and through its minuter particles. If ever it should be necessary to encounter it, if I were pursued like a wild beast, till I could no longer avoid turning upon my hunters, I would then turn upon the true author of this unprincipled attack; I would encounter the calumny in its strong hold; I would rouse myself to an exertion hitherto unessayed; and, by the firmness, intrepidity, and unalterable constancy I should display, would yet compel mankind to believe Mr. Falkland a suborner and a murderer!
For about half an hour, the pain I felt from losing my peace and the fear of the hostility that would follow me everywhere overwhelmed me, leaving me unable to think straight, let alone make any decisions. Once the dizziness and horror in my mind faded, and the suffocating calm that had taken over my faculties was gone, a powerful urge took control, pushing me to abandon this once-beloved refuge immediately. I didn't have the patience to engage in further arguments or explanations with the people at my current place. I believed it was pointless to hope for the comforting trust and peace I had recently enjoyed to return. Faced with the biases stacked against me, I realized I would have to navigate various attitudes, and while I might win some over, I couldn't expect to convince everyone. I had witnessed too much of the dominance of deceit to maintain the optimistic belief in the impact of my innocence that anyone else my age and with my tendencies might have. The recent interaction I had with Laura only added to my discouragement. I couldn't bear the idea of fighting against the poison that had been spread about me, piece by piece. If I ever had to confront it, if I were hunted down like a wild animal until I had no choice but to fight back, I would then take aim at the true instigator of this unscrupulous attack; I would face the slander in its stronghold; I would push myself to exertion I had never attempted before; and through the strength, bravery, and unwavering determination I would show, I would ultimately force people to see Mr. Falkland as a manipulator and a killer!
CHAPTER XIV.
I hasten to the conclusion of my melancholy story. I began to write soon after the period to which I have now conducted it. This was another resource that my mind, ever eager in inventing means to escape from my misery, suggested. In my haste to withdraw myself from the retreat in Wales, where first the certainty of Mr. Falkland's menaces was confirmed to me, I left behind me the apparatus of my etymological enquiries, and the papers I had written upon the subject. I have never been able to persuade myself to resume this pursuit. It is always discouraging, to begin over again a laborious task, and exert one's self to recover a position we had already occupied. I knew not how soon or how abruptly I might be driven from any new situation; the appendages of the study in which I had engaged were too cumbrous for this state of dependence and uncertainty; they only served to give new sharpness to the enmity of my foe, and new poignancy to my hourly-renewing distress.
I quickly reach the end of my sad story. I started writing soon after the time I've been discussing. This was another way my mind, always looking for ways to escape my misery, suggested. In my rush to get away from the retreat in Wales, where I first confirmed Mr. Falkland's threats, I left behind all my resources for my language studies and the papers I had written about it. I’ve never been able to convince myself to pick that pursuit back up. It’s always discouraging to restart a difficult task and push yourself to regain a position you’ve already held. I didn't know how soon or how suddenly I might be forced out of any new situation; the tools I had for my studies were too cumbersome for this state of dependence and uncertainty. They only made the hostility of my enemy sharper and added to my ongoing distress.
But what was of greatest importance, and made the deepest impression upon my mind, was my separation from the family of Laura. Fool that I was, to imagine that there was any room for me in the abodes of friendship and tranquillity! It was now first, that I felt, with the most intolerable acuteness, how completely I was cut off from the whole human species. Other connections I had gained, comparatively without interest; and I saw them dissolved without the consummation of agony. I had never experienced the purest refinements of friendship, but in two instances, that of Collins, and this of the family of Laura. Solitude, separation, banishment! These are words often in the mouths of human beings; but few men except myself have felt the full latitude of their meaning. The pride of philosophy has taught us to treat man as an individual. He is no such thing. He holds necessarily, indispensably, to his species. He is like those twin-births, that have two heads indeed, and four hands; but, if you attempt to detach them from each other, they are inevitably subjected to miserable and lingering destruction.
But what was most important, and made the deepest impact on my mind, was my separation from Laura's family. How foolish I was to think there was any place for me in the warmth of friendship and peace! For the first time, I felt, with unbearable intensity, how completely I was cut off from all of humanity. Other connections I had made were relatively unimportant, and I saw them fade away without a lot of pain. I had never experienced the true depths of friendship except in two cases: with Collins and with Laura's family. Solitude, separation, banishment! These are words that people often use, but few, aside from me, have fully grasped their meaning. Philosophy has taught us to see people as individuals. But that’s not accurate. People are necessarily connected to their kind. They are like conjoined twins, who have two heads and four hands; but if you try to separate them, they will inevitably face a slow and painful end.
It was this circumstance, more than all the rest, that gradually gorged my heart with abhorrence of Mr. Falkland. I could not think of his name but with a sickness and a loathing that seemed more than human. It was by his means that I suffered the loss of one consolation after another, of every thing that was happiness, or that had the resemblance of happiness.
It was this situation, more than anything else, that slowly filled my heart with hatred for Mr. Falkland. I could only think of his name with a sense of sickness and disgust that felt beyond what a person should feel. Because of him, I lost one comfort after another, everything that was happiness or even looked like happiness.
The writing of these memoirs served me as a source of avocation for several years. For some time I had a melancholy satisfaction in it. I was better pleased to retrace the particulars of calamities that had formerly afflicted me, than to look forward, as at other times I was too apt to do, to those by which I might hereafter be overtaken. I conceived that my story, faithfully digested, would carry in it an impression of truth that few men would be able to resist; or, at worst, that, by leaving it behind me when I should no longer continue to exist, posterity might be induced to do me justice; and, seeing in my example what sort of evils are entailed upon mankind by society as it is at present constituted, might be inclined to turn their attention upon the fountain from which such bitter waters have been accustomed to flow. But these motives have diminished in their influence. I have contracted a disgust for life and all its appendages. Writing, which was at first a pleasure, is changed into a burthen. I shall compress into a small compass what remains to be told.
Writing these memoirs became a hobby for me over several years. For a while, I found a bittersweet satisfaction in it. I preferred to revisit the details of the hardships I had endured rather than look ahead, something I was often too inclined to do, to the troubles I might face in the future. I believed that if I told my story honestly, it would have a ring of truth that few could ignore; or, at the very least, that by leaving it behind when I was gone, future generations might recognize my worth. I hoped they would see how much suffering society, as it currently exists, inflicts on people and would consider the source of such pain. However, these motivations have lost their power over me. I've grown weary of life and everything that comes with it. Writing, which once brought me joy, has become a burden. I will condense what’s left to say into a brief account.
I discovered, not long after the period of which I am speaking, the precise cause of the reverse I had experienced in my residence in Wales, and, included in that cause, what it was I had to look for in my future adventures. Mr. Falkland had taken the infernal Gines into his pay, a man critically qualified for the service in which he was now engaged, by the unfeeling brutality of his temper, by his habits of mind at once audacious and artful, and by the peculiar animosity and vengeance he had conceived against me. The employment to which this man was hired, was that of following me from place to place, blasting my reputation, and preventing me from the chance, by continuing long in one residence, of acquiring a character for integrity, that should give new weight to any accusation I might at a future time be induced to prefer. He had come to the seat of my residence with the bricklayers and labourers I have mentioned; and, while he took care to keep out of sight so far as related to me, was industrious in disseminating that which, in the eye of the world, seemed to amount to a demonstration of the profligacy and detestableness of my character. It was no doubt from him that the detested scroll had been procured, which I had found in my habitation immediately prior to my quitting it. In all this Mr. Falkland, reasoning upon his principles, was only employing a necessary precaution. There was something in the temper of his mind, that impressed him with aversion to the idea of violently putting an end to my existence; at the same time that unfortunately he could never deem himself sufficiently secured against my recrimination, so long as I remained alive. As to the fact of Gines being retained by him for this tremendous purpose, he by no means desired that it should become generally known; but neither did he look upon the possibility of its being known with terror. It was already too notorious for his wishes, that I had advanced the most odious charges against him. If he regarded me with abhorrence as the adversary of his fame, those persons who had had occasion to be in any degree acquainted with our history, did not entertain less abhorrence against me for my own sake. If they should at any time know the pains he exerted in causing my evil reputation to follow me, they would consider it as an act of impartial justice, perhaps as a generous anxiety to prevent other men from being imposed upon and injured, as he had been.
I found out, not long after the time I’m talking about, the real reason for the setback I faced while living in Wales and, tied to that reason, what I needed to be aware of for my future adventures. Mr. Falkland had hired the wicked Gines, a man perfectly suited for the job he was now doing, thanks to his cold-hearted brutality, his bold and cunning mindset, and the particular hatred and desire for revenge he held against me. The job this man was given involved following me around, ruining my reputation, and preventing me from staying in one place long enough to build a reputation for honesty that could lend credibility to any claims I might want to make later on. He had arrived at my home with the bricklayers and workers I mentioned, and while he made sure to stay out of sight from me, he was busy spreading rumors that, to the public, seemed to prove how immoral and despicable I was. It was undoubtedly from him that the hated document had been acquired, which I found in my home just before leaving it. In all this, Mr. Falkland, based on his reasoning, believed he was just taking a necessary precaution. There was something in his mindset that made him recoil at the thought of killing me; however, he could never feel completely safe from my potential retaliation as long as I was alive. As for Gines being hired for this terrible job, he certainly didn’t want that to become widely known, but he also didn’t fear the possibility of it getting out. It was already too well-known for his liking that I had made the most horrible accusations against him. If he viewed me with disgust as the enemy of his reputation, those who had any knowledge of our history felt just as much disgust towards me for my own sake. If they were ever to learn about the lengths he went to in tarnishing my reputation, they would see it as an act of fair justice, perhaps as a noble effort to spare others from being deceived and harmed like he had been.
What expedient was I to employ for the purpose of counteracting the meditated and barbarous prudence, which was thus destined, in all changes of scene, to deprive me of the benefits and consolations of human society? There was one expedient against which I was absolutely determined—disguise. I had experienced so many mortifications, and such intolerable restraint, when I formerly had recourse to it; it was associated in my memory with sensations of such acute anguish, that my mind was thus far entirely convinced: life was not worth purchasing at so high a price! But, though in this respect I was wholly resolved, there was another point that did not appear so material, and in which therefore I was willing to accommodate myself to circumstances. I was contented, if that would insure my peace, to submit to the otherwise unmanly expedient of passing by a different name.
What option was I supposed to use to counteract the planned and cruel caution that would take away the benefits and comforts of human companionship in every change of situation? There was one option I was completely decided against—disguise. I had faced so many humiliations and such unbearable restrictions when I had used it before; it was tied to memories of such intense pain that I was entirely convinced: life wasn't worth living at such a high cost! But, while I was fully set on this point, there was another aspect that didn't seem as important, and I was willing to adapt to circumstances. I was okay, if it would ensure my peace, with the less honorable option of going by a different name.
But the change of my name, the abruptness with which I removed from place to place, the remoteness and the obscurity which I proposed to myself in the choice of my abode, were all insufficient to elude the sagacity of Gines, or the unrelenting constancy with which Mr. Falkland incited my tormentor to pursue me. Whithersoever I removed myself it was not long before I had occasion to perceive this detested adversary in my rear. No words can enable me to do justice to the sensations which this circumstance produced in me. It was like what has been described of the eye of Omniscience, pursuing the guilty sinner, and darting a ray that awakens him to new sensibility, at the very moment that, otherwise, exhausted nature would lull him into a temporary oblivion of the reproaches of his conscience. Sleep fled from my eyes. No walls could hide me from the discernment of this hated foe. Every where his industry was unwearied to create for me new distress. Rest I had none; relief I had none: never could I count upon an instant's security; never could I wrap myself in the shroud of oblivion. The minutes in which I did not actually perceive him, were contaminated and blasted with the certain expectation of his speedy interference. In my first retreat I had passed a few weeks of delusive tranquillity, but never after was I happy enough to attain to so much as that shadowy gratification. I spent some years in this dreadful vicissitude of pain. My sensations at certain periods amounted to insanity.
But changing my name, the suddenness with which I moved from place to place, and the isolation and obscurity I sought in choosing where to live, weren't enough to escape Gines's keen perception or the relentless way Mr. Falkland urged my tormentor to track me down. Wherever I went, it didn’t take long before I encountered this hated adversary behind me. No words can express the feelings this situation stirred in me. It was like what they've said about the eye of Omniscience, following the guilty sinner, casting a light that awakens him to new awareness just when his weary nature would otherwise let him slip into temporary oblivion from his conscience's accusations. Sleep deserted me. No walls could shield me from the gaze of this loathed foe. Everywhere, his efforts tirelessly created new distress for me. I had no rest; I found no relief: I could never expect even a moment of security; I could never wrap myself in the cloak of forgetfulness. The minutes when I wasn’t directly aware of him were tainted and shattered by the certainty of his imminent interference. In my first hiding place, I spent a few weeks in deceptive calm, but after that, I was never fortunate enough to achieve even that fleeting satisfaction. I endured years in this terrible cycle of pain. At certain points, my feelings pushed me to the brink of madness.
I pursued in every succeeding instance the conduct I had adopted at first. I determined never to enter into a contest of accusation and defence with the execrable Gines. If I could have submitted to it in other respects, what purpose would it answer? I should have but an imperfect and mutilated story to tell. This story had succeeded with persons already prepossessed in my favour by personal intercourse; but could it succeed with strangers? It had succeeded so long as I was able to hide myself from my pursuers; but could it succeed now, that this appeared impracticable, and that they proceeded by arming against me a whole vicinity at once?
I continued to follow the approach I took at the beginning in every situation that came after. I decided never to get into a battle of blame and defense with the despicable Gines. Even if I could have done that in other ways, what would it accomplish? I would only have an incomplete and twisted story to tell. This story had worked with people who already liked me through personal interactions; but would it work with strangers? It had worked as long as I could stay hidden from my pursuers; but could it work now that it seemed impossible to do so and that they were rallying an entire community against me at once?
It is inconceivable the mischiefs that this kind of existence included. Why should I insist upon such aggravations as hunger, beggary, and external wretchedness? These were an inevitable consequence. It was by the desertion of mankind that, in each successive instance, I was made acquainted with my fate. Delay in such a moment served but to increase the evil; and when I fled, meagreness and penury were the ordinary attendants of my course. But this was a small consideration. Indignation at one time, and unconquerable perseverance at another, sustained me, where humanity, left to itself, would probably have sunk.
It's hard to imagine the troubles that this kind of life brought. Why should I put up with the frustrations of hunger, poverty, and external misery? These were unavoidable consequences. It was through the abandonment of people that, in each successive moment, I came to understand my fate. Delaying in such times only made things worse; and when I ran away, scarcity and hardship were the usual companions on my journey. But that was a minor issue. Frustration at one point, and unyielding determination at another, kept me going, where humanity, on its own, would likely have given up.
It has already appeared that I was not of a temper to endure calamity, without endeavouring, by every means I could devise, to elude and disarm it. Recollecting, as I was habituated to do, the various projects by which my situation could be meliorated, the question occurred to me, "Why should I be harassed by the pursuits of this Gines? Why, man to man, may I not, by the powers of my mind, attain the ascendancy over him? At present he appears to be the persecutor, and I the persecuted: is not this difference the mere creature of the imagination? May I not employ my ingenuity to vex him with difficulties, and laugh at the endless labour to which he will be condemned?"
It has already become clear that I’m not the type to handle misfortune without trying every way I can to avoid or combat it. Remembering, as I often did, the various plans I could come up with to improve my situation, I asked myself, "Why should I let this Gines bother me? Why can’t I, through the power of my mind, rise above him? Right now, he seems to be the one chasing me, while I’m just trying to escape: isn’t this difference just a product of my imagination? Can’t I use my cleverness to annoy him with challenges and laugh at the endless work he’ll have to put in?"
Alas, this is a speculation for a mind at ease! It is not the persecution, but the catastrophe which is annexed to it, that makes the difference between the tyrant and the sufferer! In mere corporal exertion the hunter perhaps is upon a level with the miserable animal he pursues! But could it be forgotten by either of us, that at every stage Gines was to gratify his malignant passions, by disseminating charges of the most infamous nature, and exciting against me the abhorrence of every honest bosom, while I was to sustain the still-repeated annihilation of my peace, my character, and my bread? Could I, by any refinement of reason, convert this dreadful series into sport? I had no philosophy that qualified me for so extraordinary an effort. If, under other circumstances, I could even have entertained so strange an imagination, I was restrained in the present instance by the necessity of providing for myself the means of subsistence, and the fetters which, through that necessity, the forms of human society imposed upon my exertions.
Unfortunately, this is a thought for someone who is relaxed! It’s not just the persecution, but the disaster that comes with it, that sets the tyrant apart from the victim! In physical effort, perhaps the hunter is on the same level as the miserable animal he’s chasing! But could either of us forget that at every step, Gines was indulging his cruel desires by spreading the most disgraceful accusations and turning the disgust of every decent person against me, while I had to endure the continuous destruction of my peace, my reputation, and my livelihood? Could I, through any reasoning, turn this terrifying ordeal into a game? I didn’t have the mindset needed for such an extraordinary feat. Even if I could entertain such a bizarre thought under different circumstances, I was held back by the need to find a way to support myself and the constraints that human society imposes on my efforts because of that need.
In one of those changes of residence, to which my miserable fate repeatedly compelled me, I met, upon a road which I was obliged to traverse, the friend of my youth, my earliest and best beloved friend, the venerable Collins. It was one of those misfortunes which served to accumulate my distress, that this man had quitted the island of Great Britain only a very few weeks before that fatal reverse of fortune which had ever since pursued me with unrelenting eagerness. Mr. Falkland, in addition to the large estate he possessed in England, had a very valuable plantation in the West Indies. This property had been greatly mismanaged by the person who had the direction of it on the spot; and, after various promises and evasions on his part, which, however they might serve to beguile the patience of Mr. Falkland, had been attended with no salutary fruits, it was resolved that Mr. Collins should go over in person, to rectify the abuses which had so long prevailed. There had even been some idea of his residing several years, if not settling finally, upon the plantation. From that hour to the present I had never received the smallest intelligence respecting him.
During one of those moves that my unfortunate fate forced me into, I came across my childhood friend, my first and dearest friend, the esteemed Collins, on a road I had to travel. It was one of those setbacks that only added to my suffering that this man had left Great Britain just a few weeks before the disastrous turn of events that had relentlessly haunted me since. Mr. Falkland, besides owning a large estate in England, had a very valuable plantation in the West Indies. This property had been seriously mishandled by the person in charge there, and after various promises and excuses from him—which might have tested Mr. Falkland's patience but had led to no positive outcomes—it was decided that Mr. Collins should go over in person to correct the issues that had persisted for so long. There had even been some talk of him staying for several years, if not settling down permanently on the plantation. Since that time, I had received no news about him at all.
I had always considered the circumstance of his critical absence as one of my severest misfortunes. Mr. Collins had been one of the first persons, even in the period of my infancy, to conceive hopes of me, as of something above the common standard; and had contributed more than any other to encourage and assist my juvenile studies. He had been the executor of the little property of my father, who had fixed upon him for that purpose in consideration of the mutual affection that existed between us; and I seemed, on every account, to have more claim upon his protection than upon that of any other human being. I had always believed that, had he been present in the crisis of my fortune, he would have felt a conviction of my innocence; and, convinced himself, would, by means of the venerableness and energy of his character, have interposed so effectually, as to have saved me the greater part of my subsequent misfortunes.
I had always thought that his critical absence was one of my biggest misfortunes. Mr. Collins was one of the first people, even during my childhood, to have hopes for me, seeing me as something above the ordinary; he had done more than anyone else to encourage and support my early studies. He had been the executor of my father's small estate, chosen for that role because of the mutual affection between us, and I seemed to have more reason to rely on his protection than that of anyone else. I always believed that if he had been there during the turning point of my life, he would have recognized my innocence; convinced of it himself, he would have used his respected and forceful character to step in effectively, saving me from a lot of my later troubles.
There was yet another idea in my mind relative to this subject, which had more weight with me, than even the substantial exertions of friendship I should have expected from him. The greatest aggravation of my present lot was, that I was cut off from the friendship of mankind. I can safely affirm, that poverty and hunger, that endless wanderings, that a blasted character and the curses that clung to my name, were all of them slight misfortunes compared to this. I endeavoured to sustain myself by the sense of my integrity, but the voice of no man upon earth echoed to the voice of my conscience. "I called aloud; but there was none to answer; there was none that regarded." To me the whole world was unhearing as the tempest, and as cold as the torpedo. Sympathy, the magnetic virtue, the hidden essence of our life, was extinct. Nor was this the sum of my misery. This food, so essential to an intelligent existence, seemed perpetually renewing before me in its fairest colours, only the more effectually to elude my grasp, and to mock my hunger. From time to time I was prompted to unfold the affections of my soul, only to be repelled with the greater anguish, and to be baffled in a way the most intolerably mortifying.
There was another thought in my mind about this subject that weighed more on me than even the deep efforts of friendship I might have expected from him. The biggest frustration of my current situation was that I was cut off from human connection. I can honestly say that poverty and hunger, endless wandering, a damaged reputation, and the curses attached to my name were all minor troubles compared to this. I tried to keep my spirits up by holding on to my integrity, but no one on earth echoed my conscience. "I called out loud; but there was no one to answer; there was no one who cared." To me, the whole world was as unresponsive as a storm and as cold as ice. Sympathy, the magnetic force, the hidden essence of our lives, was gone. And this wasn’t the end of my misery. The food, so crucial to a fulfilling life, seemed to appear before me in its most appealing forms, only to slip away and mock my hunger even more. Every now and then, I felt compelled to express the feelings of my soul, only to be met with even greater pain and to be thwarted in a way that was utterly humiliating.
No sight therefore could give me a purer delight than that which now presented itself to my eyes. It was some time however, before either of us recognised the person of the other. Ten years had elapsed since our last interview. Mr. Collins looked much older than he had done at that period; in addition to which, he was, in his present appearance, pale, sickly, and thin. These unfavourable effects had been produced by the change of climate, particularly trying to persons in an advanced period of life. Add to which, I supposed him to be at that moment in the West Indies. I was probably as much altered in the period that had elapsed as he had been. I was the first to recollect him. He was on horseback; I on foot. I had suffered him to pass me. In a moment the full idea of who he was rushed upon my mind; I ran; I called with an impetuous voice; I was unable to restrain the vehemence of my emotions.
No sight could bring me more joy than what I saw in front of me. However, it took us a while to recognize each other. Ten years had passed since we last met. Mr. Collins looked much older than he did back then; he also appeared pale, sickly, and thin. These negative changes were caused by the climate, which is especially tough on older people. I assumed he was currently in the West Indies. I had probably changed just as much as he had during those years. I was the first to remember him. He was on horseback while I was on foot. I let him pass by. Suddenly, the realization of who he was hit me hard; I ran, called out with a rushing voice, and couldn't hold back my emotions.
The ardour of my feelings disguised my usual tone of speaking, which otherwise Mr. Collins would infallibly have recognised. His sight was already dim; he pulled up his horse till I should overtake him; and then said, "Who are you? I do not know you."
The intensity of my feelings changed my usual way of speaking, which otherwise Mr. Collins would definitely have recognized. His vision was already poor; he slowed his horse until I caught up with him, and then said, "Who are you? I don't know you."
"My father!" exclaimed I, embracing one of his knees with fervour and delight, "I am your son; once your little Caleb, whom you a thousand times loaded with your kindness!"
"My dad!" I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around one of his knees with excitement and joy. "I'm your son; once your little Caleb, whom you showered with kindness a thousand times!"
The unexpected repetition of my name gave a kind of shuddering emotion to my friend, which was however checked by his age, and the calm and benevolent philosophy that formed one of his most conspicuous habits.
The sudden repetition of my name sent a shiver through my friend, but it was held in check by his age and the calm, kind philosophy that was one of his most noticeable traits.
"I did not expect to see you!" replied he: "I did not wish it!"
"I didn't expect to see you!" he replied. "I didn't want to!"
"My best, my oldest friend!" answered I, respect blending itself with my impatience, "do not say so! I have not a friend any where in the whole world but you! In you at least let me find sympathy and reciprocal affection! If you knew how anxiously I have thought of you during the whole period of your absence, you would not thus grievously disappoint me in your return!"
"My best, my oldest friend!" I replied, mixing respect with my impatience. "Don't say that! You're the only friend I have in the whole world! At least let me find understanding and love in you! If you knew how worried I’ve been about you the entire time you were gone, you wouldn’t let me down like this upon your return!"
"How is it," said Mr. Collins, gravely, "that you have been reduced to this forlorn condition? Was it not the inevitable consequence of your own actions?"
"How is it," said Mr. Collins, seriously, "that you have ended up in this sad state? Was it not the unavoidable result of your own choices?"
"The actions of others, not mine! Does not your heart tell you that I am innocent?"
"The actions of others, not mine! Doesn't your heart tell you that I'm innocent?"
"No. My observation of your early character taught me that you would be extraordinary; but, unhappily, all extraordinary men are not good men: that seems to be a lottery, dependent on circumstances apparently the most trivial."
"No. Watching your early character made me realize that you would be exceptional; however, unfortunately, not all exceptional people are good people: that seems to be a gamble, relying on circumstances that seem trivial."
"Will you hear my justification? I am as sure as I am of my existence, that I can convince you of my purity."
"Will you listen to my reasoning? I’m as sure of it as I am of my existence, that I can prove to you my innocence."
"Certainly, if you require it, I will hear you. But that must not be just now. I could have been glad to decline it wholly. At my age I am not fit for the storm; and I am not so sanguine as you in my expectation of the result. Of what would you convince me? That Mr. Falkland is a suborner and murderer?"
"Sure, if you need it, I’ll listen to you. But not right now. I would have been happy to refuse it completely. At my age, I’m not ready for the chaos; and I’m not as optimistic as you are about the outcome. What do you want to convince me of? That Mr. Falkland is a conspirator and a murderer?"
I made no answer. My silence was an affirmative to the question.
I didn't answer. My silence confirmed the question.
"And what benefit will result from this conviction? I have known you a promising boy, whose character might turn to one side or the other as events should decide. I have known Mr. Falkland in his maturer years, and have always admired him, as the living model of liberality and goodness. If you could change all my ideas, and show me that there was no criterion by which vice might be prevented from being mistaken for virtue, what benefit would arise from that? I must part with all my interior consolation, and all my external connections. And for what? What is it you propose? The death of Mr. Falkland by the hands of the hangman."
"And what good will come from this conviction? I’ve known you as a promising young man, whose character could tip either way depending on how things unfold. I’ve known Mr. Falkland in his later years and have always admired him as a true example of generosity and kindness. If you could change all my beliefs and prove to me that there’s no way to tell vice from virtue, what good would that do? I would have to give up all my inner peace and all my external relationships. And for what? What are you trying to achieve? The execution of Mr. Falkland by the hangman?"
"No; I will not hurt a hair of his head, unless compelled to it by a principle of defence. But surely you owe me justice?"
"No; I won't harm a hair on his head unless I'm forced to do so in self-defense. But surely, you owe me justice?"
"What justice? The justice of proclaiming your innocence? You know what consequences are annexed to that. But I do not believe I shall find you innocent. If you even succeed in perplexing my understanding, you will not succeed in enlightening it. Such is the state of mankind, that innocence, when involved in circumstances of suspicion, can scarcely ever make out a demonstration of its purity; and guilt can often make us feel an insurmountable reluctance to the pronouncing it guilt. Meanwhile, for the purchase of this uncertainty, I must sacrifice all the remaining comforts of my life. I believe Mr. Falkland to be virtuous; but I know him to be prejudiced. He would never forgive me even this accidental parley, if by any means he should come to be acquainted with it."
"What justice? The kind that comes from claiming you're innocent? You know what that could lead to. But I don't think I'll find you innocent. Even if you manage to confuse me, you won't be able to clarify anything. That's just how people are; when innocence is in suspicious situations, it's almost impossible to prove its purity, and guilt can sometimes make us hesitate to call it guilt. Meanwhile, for this uncertainty, I have to give up all the remaining comforts in my life. I believe Mr. Falkland is a good person, but I know he's biased. He wouldn't forgive me for even this accidental conversation if he somehow found out about it."
"Oh, argue not the consequences that are possible to result!" answered I, impatiently, "I have a right to your kindness; I have a right to your assistance!"
"Oh, don't debate the possible consequences!" I replied, impatiently. "I deserve your kindness; I have a right to your help!"
"You have them. You have them to a certain degree; and it is not likely that, by any process of examination, you can have them entire. You know my habits of thinking. I regard you as vicious; but I do not consider the vicious as proper objects of indignation and scorn. I consider you as a machine; you are not constituted, I am afraid, to be greatly useful to your fellow men: but you did not make yourself; you are just what circumstances irresistibly compelled you to be. I am sorry for your ill properties; but I entertain no enmity against you, nothing but benevolence. Considering you in the light in which I at present consider you, I am ready to contribute every thing in my power to your real advantage, and would gladly assist you, if I knew how, in detecting and extirpating the errors that have misled you. You have disappointed me, but I have no reproaches to utter: it is more necessary for me to feel compassion for you, than that I should accumulate your misfortune by my censures."
You have some of them. You have them to some extent; but it's unlikely that, through any kind of examination, you can have them completely. You know how I think. I see you as flawed; but I don't think of flawed people as deserving of anger and contempt. I see you like a machine; unfortunately, I don't think you were designed to be all that useful to others. But you didn't choose this for yourself; you're simply what circumstances have inevitably shaped you to be. I feel sorry for your negative traits; but I hold no hatred towards you, only goodwill. Considering you the way I do right now, I'm ready to do everything I can for your true benefit, and I'd be happy to help you, if I knew how, in identifying and removing the mistakes that have led you astray. You've let me down, but I have no accusations to make: it's more important for me to feel compassion for you than to add to your troubles with my criticism.
What could I say to such a man as this? Amiable, incomparable man! Never was my mind more painfully divided than at that moment. The more he excited my admiration, the more imperiously did my heart command me, whatever were the price it should cost, to extort his friendship. I was persuaded that severe duty required of him, that he should reject all personal considerations, that he should proceed resolutely to the investigation of the truth, and that, if he found the result terminating in my favour, he should resign all his advantages, and, deserted as I was by the world, make a common cause, and endeavour to compensate the general injustice. But was it for me to force this conduct upon him, if, now in his declining years, his own fortitude shrank from it? Alas, neither he nor I foresaw the dreadful catastrophe that was so closely impending! Otherwise, I am well assured that no tenderness for his remaining tranquillity would have withheld him from a compliance with my wishes! On the other hand, could I pretend to know what evils might result to him from his declaring himself my advocate? Might not his integrity be browbeaten and defeated, as mine had been? Did the imbecility of his grey hairs afford no advantage to my terrible adversary in the contest? Might not Mr. Falkland reduce him to a condition as wretched and low as mine? After all, was it not vice in me to desire to involve another man in my sufferings? If I regarded them as intolerable, this was still an additional reason why I should bear them alone.
What could I say to a man like this? Kind, one-of-a-kind man! My mind has never felt more conflicted than it did at that moment. The more he inspired my admiration, the more my heart insisted that, no matter the cost, I had to win his friendship. I believed it was his duty to put aside all personal feelings, to continue resolutely in the search for the truth, and that if the truth favored me, he should give up all his advantages, standing with me in my isolation and trying to make up for the overall injustice. But was it right for me to push him into that action, especially if, in his old age, he was reluctant to take it on? Sadly, neither of us foresaw the terrible disaster that was about to happen! I am sure that if he knew, no concern for his own peace would have stopped him from agreeing to my wishes! On the flip side, could I really know what dangers might come his way if he chose to be my supporter? Could his integrity be pressured and crushed like mine had been? Did the frailty of his old age give my ruthless opponent any advantage in this struggle? Could Mr. Falkland reduce him to a state as miserable and low as mine? After all, wasn’t it wrong for me to want to drag another person into my suffering? If I found my situation unbearable, that was even more reason for me to endure it alone.
Influenced by these considerations, I assented to his views. I assented to be thought hardly of by the man in the world whose esteem I most ardently desired, rather than involve him in possible calamity. I assented to the resigning what appeared to me at that moment as the last practicable comfort of my life; a comfort, upon the thought of which, while I surrendered it, my mind dwelt with undescribable longings. Mr. Collins was deeply affected with the apparent ingenuousness with which I expressed my feelings. The secret struggle of his mind was, "Can this be hypocrisy? The individual with whom I am conferring, if virtuous, is one of the most disinterestedly virtuous persons in the world." We tore ourselves from each other. Mr. Collins promised, as far as he was able, to have an eye upon my vicissitudes, and to assist me, in every respect that was consistent with a just recollection of consequences. Thus I parted as it were with the last expiring hope of my mind; and voluntarily consented, thus maimed and forlorn, to encounter all the evils that were yet in store for me.
Influenced by these thoughts, I agreed with his opinions. I agreed to be seen unfavorably by the one person in the world whose approval I wanted the most, rather than put him in potential danger. I agreed to give up what seemed to me at that moment to be the last bit of comfort in my life; a comfort that my mind lingered on with indescribable longing as I let it go. Mr. Collins was deeply moved by the apparent sincerity with which I shared my feelings. The secret struggle in his mind was, "Could this be insincerity? The person I’m speaking with, if virtuous, is one of the most genuinely virtuous people in the world." We tore ourselves away from each other. Mr. Collins promised, as much as he could, to keep an eye on my circumstances and to help me in every way that was consistent with a thoughtful understanding of the consequences. Thus, I parted with what felt like the last flicker of hope in my mind, and voluntarily agreed, feeling injured and miserable, to face all the challenges that were still ahead of me.
This is the latest event which at present I think it necessary to record. I shall doubtless hereafter have further occasion to take up the pen. Great and unprecedented as my sufferings have been, I feel intimately persuaded that there are worse sufferings that await me. What mysterious cause is it that enables me to write this, and not to perish under the horrible apprehension!
This is the latest event that I think it's important to record right now. I'm sure I'll need to pick up the pen again in the future. Even though my suffering has been immense and unprecedented, I can't shake the feeling that even worse suffering is ahead of me. What strange reason allows me to write this instead of succumbing to the horrible anxiety!
CHAPTER XV.
It is as I foreboded. The presage with which I was visited was prophetic. I am now to record a new and terrible revolution of my fortune and my mind.
It is just as I feared. The omen that came to me was prophetic. I am now going to write about a new and terrible change in my luck and my thoughts.
Having made experiment of various situations with one uniform result, I at length determined to remove myself, if possible, from the reach of my persecutor, by going into voluntary banishment from my native soil. This was my last resource for tranquillity, for honest fame, for those privileges to which human life is indebted for the whole of its value. "In some distant climate," said I, "surely I may find that security which is necessary to persevering pursuit; surely I may lift my head erect, associate with men upon the footing of a man, acquire connections, and preserve them!" It is inconceivable with what ardent Teachings of the soul I aspired to this termination.
Having tried various situations with the same result, I finally decided to distance myself, if possible, from my tormentor by voluntarily leaving my home. This was my last hope for peace, for a good reputation, for those rights that give human life all its worth. "In some faraway place," I thought, "I can surely find the safety I need to keep pursuing my goals; surely I can hold my head high, connect with people as an equal, build relationships, and maintain them!" It’s unimaginable how passionately my soul longed for this outcome.
This last consolation was denied me by the inexorable Falkland.
This final comfort was taken away from me by the unyielding Falkland.
At the time the project was formed I was at no great distance from the east coast of the island, and I resolved to take ship at Harwich, and pass immediately into Holland. I accordingly repaired to that place, and went, almost as soon as I arrived, to the port. But there was no vessel perfectly ready to sail. I left the port, and withdrew to an inn, where, after some time, I retired to a chamber. I was scarcely there before the door of the room was opened, and the man whose countenance was the most hateful to my eyes, Gines, entered the apartment. He shut the door as soon as he entered.
When the project started, I wasn't far from the east coast of the island, so I decided to take a ship from Harwich directly to Holland. I went there and, almost as soon as I arrived, headed to the port. However, there was no ship fully ready to sail. I left the port and went to an inn, where, after some time, I went up to a room. I had barely settled in before the door opened, and the man I found the most detestable, Gines, walked in. He shut the door right after he entered.
"Youngster," said he, "I have a little private intelligence to communicate to you. I come as a friend, and that I may save you a labour-in-vain trouble. If you consider what I have to say in that light, it will be the better for you. It is my business now, do you see, for want of a better, to see that you do not break out of bounds. Not that I much matter having one man for my employer, or dancing attendance after another's heels; but I have special kindness for you, for some good turns that you wot of, and therefore I do not stand upon ceremonies! You have led me a very pretty round already; and, out of the love I bear you, you shall lead me as much further, if you will. But beware the salt seas! They are out of my orders. You are a prisoner at present, and I believe all your life will remain so. Thanks to the milk-and-water softness of your former master! If I had the ordering of these things, it should go with you in another fashion. As long as you think proper, you are a prisoner within the rules; and the rules with which the soft-hearted squire indulges you, are all England, Scotland, and Wales. But you are not to go out of these climates. The squire is determined you shall never pass the reach of his disposal. He has therefore given orders that, whenever you attempt so to do, you shall be converted from a prisoner at large to a prisoner in good earnest. A friend of mine followed you just now to the harbour; I was within call; and, if there had been any appearance of your setting your foot from land, we should have been with you in a trice, and laid you fast by the heels. I would advise you, for the future, to keep at a proper distance from the sea, for fear of the worst. You see I tell you all this for your good. For my part, I should be better satisfied if you were in limbo, with a rope about your neck, and a comfortable bird's eye prospect to the gallows: but I do as I am directed; and so good night to you!"
"Hey there," he said, "I have something private to share with you. I'm here as a friend, and I want to save you from unnecessary trouble. If you think about what I’m saying in that way, it will be better for you. My current job, for lack of a better term, is to make sure you don't go beyond the limits. It doesn't particularly bother me whether I have one boss or if I'm chasing after someone else's orders; but I have a special regard for you, because of some favors you know about, so I won't stand on formalities! You've already taken me on quite the adventure; and out of the affection I have for you, you can lead me even further if you'd like. But watch out for the open sea! That’s not part of my orders. Right now, you're a prisoner, and I believe you’ll remain one for your entire life. Thanks to the overly lenient nature of your former master! If I were in charge, it would be handled differently. As long as you decide to, you're a prisoner within certain limits; and the limits you're allowed by the soft-hearted squire include all of England, Scotland, and Wales. But you can't go beyond this area. The squire has made it clear that you will never escape his control. He’s given orders that any time you try to leave, you’ll be turned from a free prisoner into a serious prisoner. A friend of mine just followed you to the harbor; I was nearby, and if it looked like you were about to set foot off the land, we would have been there right away to have you held down. I suggest that in the future, you keep a safe distance from the sea, just to be on the safe side. You see, I'm telling you all this for your own good. For me, I’d feel better if you were locked up, with a rope around your neck and a clear view of the gallows; but I do as I'm told; so goodnight to you!"
The intelligence thus conveyed to me occasioned an instantaneous revolution in both my intellectual and animal system. I disdained to answer, or take the smallest notice of the fiend by whom it was delivered. It is now three days since I received it, and from that moment to the present my blood has been in a perpetual ferment. My thoughts wander from one idea of horror to another, with incredible rapidity. I have had no sleep. I have scarcely remained in one posture for a minute together. It has been with the utmost difficulty that I have been able to command myself far enough to add a few pages to my story. But, uncertain as I am of the events of each succeeding hour, I determined to force myself to the performance of this task. All is not right within me. How it will terminate, God knows. I sometimes fear that I shall be wholly deserted of my reason.
The information I received caused an immediate upheaval in both my mind and body. I refused to respond or acknowledge the evil person who delivered it. It's been three days since I got it, and from that moment until now, my blood has been constantly boiling. My thoughts race from one terrifying idea to another at an incredible speed. I haven't slept at all. I've barely stayed in one position for even a minute. It's been extremely hard for me to gather myself enough to add a few pages to my story. But, uncertain as I am about what each hour will bring, I resolved to push myself to complete this task. Something is not right within me. How this will end, only God knows. Sometimes, I fear that I will completely lose my mind.
What—dark, mysterious, unfeeling, unrelenting tyrant!--is it come to this? When Nero and Caligula swayed the Roman sceptre, it was a fearful thing to offend these bloody rulers. The empire had already spread itself from climate to climate, and from sea to sea. If their unhappy victim fled to the rising of the sun, where the luminary of day seems to us first to ascend from the waves of the ocean, the power of the tyrant was still behind him. If he withdrew to the west, to Hesperian darkness, and the shores of barbarian Thule, still he was not safe from his gore-drenched foe.—Falkland! art thou the offspring, in whom the lineaments of these tyrants are faithfully preserved? Was the world, with all its climates, made in vain for thy helpless unoffending victim?
What—dark, mysterious, heartless, relentless tyrant!—has it come to this? When Nero and Caligula ruled the Roman Empire, it was terrifying to cross these brutal leaders. The empire had already stretched from one climate to another, and from sea to sea. If their unfortunate victim tried to escape to the east, where the sun seems to rise first from the ocean waves, the tyrant's power was still behind him. If he fled west to the shadows of Hesperia and the shores of the barbaric Thule, he was still not safe from his bloody enemy. Falkland! are you the descendant in whom the traits of these tyrants are faithfully preserved? Was the world, with all its diverse climates, created in vain for your helpless, innocent victim?
Tremble!
Shake!
Tyrants have trembled, surrounded with whole armies of their Janissaries! What should make thee inaccessible to my fury? No, I will use no daggers! I will unfold a tale!--I will show thee to the world for what thou art; and all the men that live, shall confess my truth!--Didst thou imagine that I was altogether passive, a mere worm, organised to feel sensations of pain, but no emotion of resentment? Didst thou imagine that there was no danger in inflicting on me pains however great, miseries however dreadful? Didst thou believe me impotent, imbecile, and idiot-like, with no understanding to contrive thy ruin, and no energy to perpetrate it?
Tyrants have quaked, surrounded by entire armies of their Janissaries! What makes you immune to my rage? No, I won't use any knives! I'll tell a story!—I’ll reveal to the world what you really are; and everyone living will acknowledge my truth! Did you think I was completely passive, just a mere worm designed to feel pain but incapable of resentment? Did you think there was no risk in causing me extreme pain and terrible suffering? Did you believe I was powerless, foolish, and clueless, with no ability to plan your downfall and no strength to carry it out?
I will tell a tale—! The justice of the country shall hear me! The elements of nature in universal uproar shall not interrupt me! I will speak with a voice more fearful than thunder!--Why should I be supposed to speak from any dishonourable motive? I am under no prosecution now! I shall not now appear to be endeavouring to remove a criminal indictment from myself, by throwing it back on its author!--Shall I regret the ruin that will overwhelm thee? Too long have I been tender-hearted and forbearing! What benefit has ever resulted from my mistaken clemency? There is no evil thou hast scrupled to accumulate upon me! Neither will I be more scrupulous! Thou hast shown no mercy; and thou shalt receive none!--I must be calm! bold as a lion, yet collected!
I’m going to share a story—! The justice system will listen to me! The chaos of nature won’t stop me! I’ll speak with a voice more terrifying than thunder!--Why would anyone think I have dishonorable motives? I’m not being prosecuted right now! I’m not trying to deflect a criminal charge onto someone else!--Should I feel sorry for the destruction that’s about to come your way? I’ve been too soft-hearted and patient for too long! What good has my misguided mercy ever done? You’ve done nothing but pile up harm against me! I won’t hold back any longer! You’ve shown no mercy, and you won’t get any in return!--I must stay calm! Brave as a lion, yet composed!
This is a moment pregnant with fate. I know—I think I know—that I will be triumphant, and crush my seemingly omnipotent foe. But, should it be otherwise, at least he shall not be every way successful. His fame shall not be immortal as he thinks. These papers shall preserve the truth; they shall one day be published, and then the world shall do justice on us both. Recollecting that, I shall not die wholly without consolation. It is not to be endured that falsehood and tyranny should reign for ever.
This is a moment filled with destiny. I know—I believe I know—that I will be victorious and defeat my seemingly all-powerful enemy. But if it doesn't go that way, at least he won't have complete success. His fame won't be as everlasting as he thinks. These documents will hold the truth; they will be published one day, and then the world will set things right for both of us. Remembering that, I won't die completely without comfort. It can't be accepted that lies and oppression should last forever.
How impotent are the precautions of man against the eternally existing laws of the intellectual world! This Falkland has invented against me every species of foul accusation. He has hunted me from city to city. He has drawn his lines of circumvallation round me that I may not escape. He has kept his scenters of human prey for ever at my heels. He may hunt me out of the world.—In vain! With this engine, this little pen, I defeat all his machinations; I stab him in the very point he was most solicitous to defend!
How powerless are human precautions against the always-existing laws of the intellectual world! This Falkland has created every kind of false accusation against me. He has chased me from city to city. He has surrounded me so I can’t escape. He has kept his hunters of human prey constantly on my trail. He may drive me out of the world.—In vain! With this tool, this little pen, I outsmart all his plots; I strike him right at the point he is most anxious to protect!
Collins! I now address myself to you. I have consented that you should yield me no assistance in my present terrible situation. I am content to die rather than do any thing injurious to your tranquillity. But remember, you are my father still! I conjure you, by all the love you ever bore me, by the benefits you have conferred on me, by the forbearance and kindness towards you that now penetrates my soul, by my innocence—for, if these be the last words I shall ever write, I die protesting my innocence!--by all these, or whatever tie more sacred has influence on your soul, I conjure you, listen to my last request! Preserve these papers from destruction, and preserve them from Falkland! It is all I ask! I have taken care to provide a safe mode of conveying them into your possession: and I have a firm confidence, which I will not suffer to depart from me, that they will one day find their way to the public!
Collins! I'm speaking to you now. I've agreed that you should not help me in my current terrible situation. I'm ready to die rather than do anything that would harm your peace. But remember, you are still my father! I beg you, by all the love you've ever had for me, by the kindness you've shown me, by the patience and compassion that now fill my heart, by my innocence—for if these are the last words I ever write, I die insisting on my innocence!—by all of this, or whatever other sacred bond touches your heart, I beg you, listen to my final request! Protect these papers from being destroyed, and keep them safe from Falkland! That is all I ask! I've arranged a safe way to get them to you: and I firmly believe, and won't let that belief fade, that they will one day reach the public!
The pen lingers in my trembling fingers! Is there any thing I have left unsaid?—The contents of the fatal trunk, from which all my misfortunes originated, I have never been able to ascertain. I once thought it contained some murderous instrument or relic connected with the fate of the unhappy Tyrrel. I am now persuaded that the secret it encloses, is a faithful narrative of that and its concomitant transactions, written by Mr. Falkland, and reserved in case of the worst, that, if by any unforeseen event his guilt should come to be fully disclosed, it might contribute to redeem the wreck of his reputation. But the truth or the falsehood of this conjecture is of little moment. If Falkland shall never be detected to the satisfaction of the world, such a narrative will probably never see the light. In that case this story of mine may amply, severely perhaps, supply its place.
The pen lingers in my trembling fingers! Is there anything I haven't said?—I’ve never been able to find out what was in the trunk that started all my troubles. I used to think it held some weapon or item linked to the tragic fate of poor Tyrrel. Now I believe the secret it holds is a detailed account of that and the events surrounding it, written by Mr. Falkland, kept in case of the worst, so that if his guilt were ever fully revealed, it could help save the remains of his reputation. But whether this guess is true or false doesn’t really matter. If Falkland is never caught to the world’s satisfaction, that account will likely never be revealed. In that case, my story may adequately—and perhaps harshly—take its place.
I know not what it is that renders me thus solemn. I have a secret foreboding, as if I should never again be master of myself. If I succeed in what I now meditate respecting Falkland, my precaution in the disposal of these papers will have been unnecessary; I shall no longer be reduced to artifice and evasion. If I fail, the precaution will appear to have been wisely chosen.
I don't know what makes me feel so serious. I have this uneasy feeling, like I might never be in control of myself again. If I succeed in what I'm planning regarding Falkland, then my caution in handling these papers will have been pointless; I won't need to resort to tricks and lies anymore. If I fail, though, my caution will seem like a smart choice.
POSTSCRIPT.
All is over. I have carried into execution my meditated attempt. My situation is totally changed; I now sit down to give an account of it. For several weeks after the completion of this dreadful business, my mind was in too tumultuous a state to permit me to write. I think I shall now be able to arrange my thoughts sufficiently for that purpose. Great God! how wondrous, how terrible are the events that have intervened since I was last employed in a similar manner! It is no wonder that my thoughts were solemn, and my mind filled with horrible forebodings!
Everything is finished. I've carried out my planned attempt. My situation has completely changed; now I sit down to share the details. For several weeks after wrapping up this terrible act, my mind was too chaotic to write. I believe I'm finally able to organize my thoughts enough for that. Oh my God! How amazing and terrifying the events have been since I last engaged in something like this! It's no surprise that my thoughts were grave and my mind was filled with dreadful premonitions!
Having formed my resolution, I set out from Harwich, for the metropolitan town of the county in which Mr. Falkland resided. Gines, I well knew, was in my rear. That was of no consequence to me. He might wonder at the direction I pursued, but he could not tell with what purpose I pursued it. My design was a secret, carefully locked up in my own breast. It was not without a sentiment of terror that I entered a town which had been the scene of my long imprisonment. I proceeded to the house of the chief magistrate the instant I arrived, that I might give no time to my adversary to counterwork my proceeding.
Having made up my mind, I set off from Harwich to the main town of the county where Mr. Falkland lived. I knew Gines was following me, but that didn’t matter to me. He might be curious about where I was headed, but he wouldn’t know my real intention. My plan was a secret, carefully kept to myself. It was with a sense of dread that I entered a town that had been the place of my long imprisonment. As soon as I arrived, I went straight to the house of the chief magistrate so that I wouldn’t give my opponent any chance to interfere with my actions.
I told him who I was, and that I was come from a distant part of the kingdom, for the purpose of rendering him the medium of a charge of murder against my former patron. My name was already familiar to him. He answered, that he could not take cognizance of my deposition; that I was an object of universal execration in that part of the world; and he was determined upon no account to be the vehicle of my depravity.
I told him who I was and that I had come from a far part of the kingdom to bring charges of murder against my former patron. He already knew my name. He responded that he couldn’t accept my statement, that I was universally hated in that part of the world, and he was definitely not going to be the means of my wrongdoing.
I warned him to consider well what he was doing. I called upon him for no favour; I only applied to him in the regular exercise of his function. Would he take upon him to say that he had a right, at his pleasure, to suppress a charge of this complicated nature? I had to accuse Mr. Falkland of repeated murders. The perpetrator knew that I was in possession of the truth upon the subject; and, knowing that, I went perpetually in danger of my life from his malice and revenge. I was resolved to go through with the business, if justice were to be obtained from any court in England. Upon what pretence did he refuse my deposition? I was in every respect a competent witness. I was of age to understand the nature of an oath; I was in my perfect senses; I was untarnished by the verdict of any jury, or the sentence of any judge. His private opinion of my character could not alter the law of the land. I demanded to be confronted with Mr. Falkland, and I was well assured I should substantiate the charge to the satisfaction of the whole world. If he did not think proper to apprehend him upon my single testimony, I should be satisfied if he only sent him notice of the charge, and summoned him to appear.
I warned him to really think about what he was doing. I wasn’t asking for any favors; I was just doing what was expected in his role. Could he really say he had the right to ignore a serious accusation like this whenever he felt like it? I had to accuse Mr. Falkland of multiple murders. The person guilty of this knew that I had the truth, and because of that, I was constantly at risk of my life from his malice and desire for revenge. I was determined to follow through with this, whether justice could be found in any court in England. On what grounds did he refuse my statement? I was fully capable of being a witness. I was old enough to understand the importance of an oath; I was in my right mind; I hadn’t been tarnished by any jury's verdict or any judge's sentence. His personal opinion of my character didn’t change the law. I demanded to be face-to-face with Mr. Falkland, and I was confident I could prove my accusations to the satisfaction of everyone. If he didn’t think it was right to arrest him based solely on my testimony, I would be fine if he just informed him of the charges and called him to appear.
The magistrate, finding me thus resolute, thought proper a little to lower his tone. He no longer absolutely refused to comply with my requisition, but condescended to expostulate with me. He represented to me Mr. Falkland's health, which had for some years been exceedingly indifferent; his having been once already brought to the most solemn examination upon this charge; the diabolical malice in which alone my proceeding must have originated; and the ten-fold ruin it would bring down upon my head. To all these representations my answer was short. "I was determined to go on, and would abide the consequences." A summons was at length granted, and notice sent to Mr. Falkland of the charge preferred against him.
The magistrate, seeing me so determined, decided to soften his tone a bit. He no longer completely refused to meet my request but instead chose to reason with me. He pointed out Mr. Falkland's health, which had been quite poor for several years; the fact that he had already faced a serious examination for this charge once before; the cruel malice that my actions must stem from; and the severe consequences that would fall upon me. My response to all of this was brief: "I was determined to proceed and would accept whatever came next." Eventually, a summons was issued, and Mr. Falkland was notified of the charges against him.
Three days elapsed before any further step could be taken in this business. This interval in no degree contributed to tranquillise my mind. The thought of preferring a capital accusation against, and hastening the death of, such a man as Mr. Falkland, was by no means an opiate to reflection. At one time I commended the action, either as just revenge (for the benevolence of my nature was in a great degree turned to gall), or as necessary self-defence, or as that which, in an impartial and philanthropical estimate, included the smallest evil. At another time I was haunted with doubts. But, in spite of these variations of sentiment, I uniformly determined to persist! I felt as if impelled by a tide of unconquerable impulse. The consequences were such as might well appal the stoutest heart. Either the ignominious execution of a man whom I had once so deeply venerated, and whom now I sometimes suspected not to be without his claims to veneration; or a confirmation, perhaps an increase, of the calamities I had so long endured. Yet these I preferred to a state of uncertainty. I desired to know the worst; to put an end to the hope, however faint, which had been so long my torment; and, above all, to exhaust and finish the catalogue of expedients that were at my disposition. My mind was worked up to a state little short of frenzy. My body was in a burning fever with the agitation of my thoughts. When I laid my hand upon my bosom or my head, it seemed to scorch them with the fervency of its heat. I could not sit still for a moment. I panted with incessant desire that the dreadful crisis I had so eagerly invoked, were come, and were over.
Three days passed before any further action could be taken in this matter. This time did nothing to calm my mind. The idea of making a serious accusation against Mr. Falkland and pushing for his death was anything but a comfort to my thoughts. At times, I justified the action as just revenge (since the kindness in my nature had mostly turned to bitterness), or as necessary self-defense, or as something that, when viewed fairly and compassionately, would result in the least harm. At other times, I was tormented by doubts. Yet, despite these shifts in feeling, I was determined to move forward! I felt like I was being carried along by an unstoppable force. The consequences were daunting enough to frighten even the bravest person. Either the shameful execution of a man I had once admired deeply, and who I sometimes suspected still deserved that admiration; or a confirmation, perhaps even a worsening, of the hardships I had endured for so long. Yet I preferred those outcomes to living in uncertainty. I wanted to know the worst; to end the hope, however slim, that had tormented me for so long; and, above all, to exhaust every option I had. My mind was nearly in a frenzy. My body was burning with the fever of my agitation. When I placed my hand on my chest or my head, it felt like it was scorching them with its intensity. I couldn’t sit still for a moment. I was filled with an unending desire for the dreadful moment I had so eagerly called for to arrive and be over with.
After an interval of three days, I met Mr. Falkland in the presence of the magistrate to whom I had applied upon the subject. I had only two hours' notice to prepare myself; Mr. Falkland seeming as eager as I to have the question brought to a crisis, and laid at rest for ever. I had an opportunity, before the examination, to learn that Mr. Forester was drawn by some business on an excursion on the continent; and that Collins, whose health when I saw him was in a very precarious state, was at this time confined with an alarming illness. His constitution had been wholly broken by his West Indian expedition. The audience I met at the house of the magistrate consisted of several gentlemen and others selected for the purpose; the plan being, in some respects, as in the former instance, to find a medium between the suspicious air of a private examination, and the indelicacy, as it was styled, of an examination exposed to the remark of every casual spectator.
After three days, I met Mr. Falkland in front of the magistrate I had approached about the issue. I only had two hours to prepare, and Mr. Falkland seemed just as eager as I was to resolve this matter once and for all. Before the examination, I learned that Mr. Forester was away on business in Europe, and Collins, whose health was very fragile when I last saw him, was currently suffering from a serious illness. His health had completely deteriorated from his trip to the West Indies. The audience at the magistrate's house included several gentlemen and others chosen for this purpose, aiming to strike a balance between the private nature of a confidential examination and the rudeness, as it was described, of an examination open to every random observer.
I can conceive of no shock greater than that I received from the sight of Mr. Falkland. His appearance on the last occasion on which we met had been haggard, ghost-like, and wild, energy in his gestures, and frenzy in his aspect. It was now the appearance of a corpse. He was brought in in a chair, unable to stand, fatigued and almost destroyed by the journey he had just taken. His visage was colourless; his limbs destitute of motion, almost of life. His head reclined upon his bosom, except that now and then he lifted it up, and opened his eyes with a languid glance; immediately after which he sunk back into his former apparent insensibility. He seemed not to have three hours to live. He had kept his chamber for several weeks; but the summons of the magistrate had been delivered to him at his bed-side, his orders respecting letters and written papers being so peremptory that no one dared to disobey them. Upon reading the paper he was seized with a very dangerous fit; but, as soon as he recovered, he insisted upon being conveyed, with all practicable expedition, to the place of appointment. Falkland, in the most helpless state, was still Falkland, firm in command, and capable to extort obedience from every one that approached him.
I can’t imagine a greater shock than seeing Mr. Falkland. The last time we met, he looked haggard, ghost-like, and wild, filled with energy in his gestures and madness in his expression. Now, he looked like a corpse. He was brought in on a chair, unable to stand, exhausted and almost wrecked from the journey he had just made. His face was colorless; his limbs had little to no movement, almost devoid of life. His head rested on his chest, except for the times he lifted it briefly to open his eyes with a tired look; soon after, he would sink back into what seemed like a trance. He appeared to have no more than three hours to live. He had been confined to his room for several weeks; however, the magistrate's summons had been delivered to him in bed, with orders regarding letters and documents that were so strict that no one dared to ignore them. Upon reading the paper, he was hit with a very dangerous fit; but as soon as he recovered, he insisted on being taken, as quickly as possible, to the place of the meeting. Falkland, despite being in such a weakened state, was still Falkland—firm in command and able to enforce obedience from anyone who approached him.
What a sight was this to me! Till the moment that Falkland was presented to my view, my breast was steeled to pity. I thought that I had coolly entered into the reason of the case (passion, in a state of solemn and omnipotent vehemence, always appears to be coolness to him in whom it domineers), and that I had determined impartially and justly. I believed that, if Mr. Falkland were permitted to persist in his schemes, we must both of us be completely wretched. I believed that it was in my power, by the resolution I had formed, to throw my share of this wretchedness from me, and that his could scarcely be increased. It appeared therefore to my mind, to be a mere piece of equity and justice, such as an impartial spectator would desire, that one person should be miserable in preference to two; that one person rather than two should be incapacitated from acting his part, and contributing his share to the general welfare. I thought that in this business I had risen superior to personal considerations, and judged with a total neglect of the suggestions of self-regard. It is true, Mr. Falkland was mortal, but, notwithstanding his apparent decay, he might live long. Ought I to submit to waste the best years of my life in my present wretched situation? He had declared that his reputation should be for ever inviolate; this was his ruling passion, the thought that worked his soul to madness. He would probably therefore leave a legacy of persecution to be received by me from the hands of Gines, or some other villain equally atrocious, when he should himself be no more. Now or never was the time for me to redeem my future life from endless woe.
What a sight this was for me! Until the moment Falkland appeared before me, my heart was hardened against pity. I thought I had calmly understood the situation (rage, in a state of solemn and overpowering intensity, always seems like calmness to the person it controls) and that I had made a fair and just decision. I believed that if Mr. Falkland was allowed to continue with his plans, we would both end up completely miserable. I thought that by sticking to my decision, I could lift my part of the misery off my shoulders, and that his suffering couldn’t possibly get worse. So, in my mind, it seemed only fair and just, as an impartial observer would agree, that one person should suffer instead of two; that one person should be unable to play his role and contribute to the overall good, rather than both of us. I felt that in this matter, I had risen above personal concerns and judged without any thought for my own interests. It’s true, Mr. Falkland was a mortal man, but despite his visible decline, he might live for a long time. Should I really waste the best years of my life stuck in my current miserable situation? He had stated that his reputation would remain untarnished forever; this was his driving passion, the idea that tormented him to madness. So he would likely leave behind a legacy of suffering for me, to be handed down by Gines or some other equally despicable character when he was gone. Now was the moment for me to free my future from endless misery.
But all these fine-spun reasonings vanished before the object that was now presented to me. "Shall I trample upon a man thus dreadfully reduced? Shall I point my animosity against one, whom the system of nature has brought down to the grave? Shall I poison, with sounds the most intolerable to his ears, the last moments of a man like Falkland? It is impossible. There must have been some dreadful mistake in the train of argument that persuaded me to be the author of this hateful scene. There must have been a better and more magnanimous remedy to the evils under which I groaned."
But all these elaborate arguments disappeared when faced with the situation now in front of me. "Should I really step on a man who is so terribly diminished? Should I unleash my anger on someone whom nature has already brought to such a low point? Should I ruin the last moments of a man like Falkland with sounds that are utterly unbearable? I can’t do that. There must have been some terrible misunderstanding in the reasoning that led me to be the cause of this awful scene. There must be a kinder and more noble solution to the suffering I've been enduring."
It was too late: the mistake I had committed was now gone past all power of recall. Here was Falkland, solemnly brought before a magistrate to answer to a charge of murder. Here I stood, having already declared myself the author of the charge, gravely and sacredly pledged to support it. This was my situation; and, thus situated, I was called upon immediately to act. My whole frame shook. I would eagerly have consented that that moment should have been the last of my existence. I however believed, that the conduct now most indispensably incumbent on me was to lay the emotions of my soul naked before my hearers. I looked first at Mr. Falkland, and then at the magistrate and attendants, and then at Mr. Falkland again. My voice was suffocated with agony. I began:—
It was too late: the mistake I had made was now beyond any chance of being undone. Here was Falkland, seriously brought before a judge to face a murder charge. Here I stood, having already declared myself the one making the accusation, deeply and solemnly committed to supporting it. This was my situation; and, faced with it, I was called to act immediately. My whole body trembled. I would have gladly accepted that moment to be the end of my life. However, I believed that what I needed to do now was to lay my feelings bare before those listening. I looked first at Mr. Falkland, then at the magistrate and the people present, and back at Mr. Falkland again. My voice was choked with pain. I began:—
"Why cannot I recall the last four days of my life? How was it possible for me to be so eager, so obstinate, in a purpose so diabolical? Oh, that I had listened to the expostulations of the magistrate that hears me, or submitted to the well-meant despotism of his authority! Hitherto I have been only miserable; henceforth I shall account myself base! Hitherto, though hardly treated by mankind, I stood acquitted at the bar of my own conscience. I had not filled up the measure of my wretchedness!
"Why can’t I remember the last four days of my life? How could I have been so eager and so stubborn about something so horrible? Oh, if only I had listened to the magistrate who is hearing me, or accepted the good-intentioned control of his authority! Until now, I have only been miserable; from now on, I will see myself as despicable! Until now, even though I was treated poorly by others, I felt clear in my own conscience. I hadn’t completely reached the limit of my suffering!"
"Would to God it were possible for me to retire from this scene without uttering another word! I would brave the consequences—I would submit to any imputation of cowardice, falsehood, and profligacy, rather than add to the weight of misfortune with which Mr. Falkland is overwhelmed. But the situation, and the demands of Mr. Falkland himself, forbid me. He, in compassion for whose fallen state I would willingly forget every interest of my own, would compel me to accuse, that he might enter upon his justification. I will confess every sentiment of my heart.
"I wish I could just walk away from this situation without saying another word! I would face any backlash—I would accept any accusations of cowardice, dishonesty, and immorality, rather than add to the burden of misfortune that Mr. Falkland is already dealing with. But the situation, along with Mr. Falkland’s own demands, doesn’t allow me to do that. He, for whom I would willingly overlook my own interests out of compassion for his fallen state, forces me to speak up so he can justify himself. I will share every feeling I have."
"No penitence, no anguish, can expiate the folly and the cruelty of this last act I have perpetrated. But Mr. Falkland well knows—I affirm it in his presence—how unwillingly I have proceeded to this extremity. I have reverenced him; he was worthy of reverence: I have loved him; he was endowed with qualities that partook of divine.
"No remorse, no suffering, can make up for the foolishness and cruelty of this last act I've committed. But Mr. Falkland knows very well—I state this in his presence—how reluctantly I have come to this point. I have respected him; he was deserving of respect: I have loved him; he possessed qualities that were almost divine."
"From the first moment I saw him, I conceived the most ardent admiration. He condescended to encourage me; I attached myself to him with the fulness of my affection. He was unhappy; I exerted myself with youthful curiosity to discover the secret of his woe. This was the beginning of misfortune.
"From the moment I first saw him, I felt a deep admiration. He kindly encouraged me, and I devoted myself to him wholeheartedly. He was sad, and I tried with youthful curiosity to uncover the reason for his sorrow. This marked the start of my misfortune."
"What shall I say?—He was indeed the murderer of Tyrrel; he suffered the Hawkinses to be executed, knowing that they were innocent, and that he alone was guilty. After successive surmises, after various indiscretions on my part, and indications on his, he at length confided to me at full the fatal tale!
"What should I say?—He was definitely the murderer of Tyrrel; he allowed the Hawkinses to be executed, fully aware they were innocent and that he alone was guilty. After a series of speculations, my own mistakes, and his hints, he finally revealed the full tragic story to me!"
"Mr. Falkland! I most solemnly conjure you to recollect yourself! Did I ever prove myself unworthy of your confidence? The secret was a most painful burthen to me; it was the extremest folly that led me unthinkingly to gain possession of it; but I would have died a thousand deaths rather than betray it. It was the jealousy of your own thoughts, and the weight that hung upon your mind, that led you to watch my motions, and to conceive alarm from every particle of my conduct.
"Mr. Falkland! I urgently ask you to gather your thoughts! Have I ever shown myself unworthy of your trust? The secret was a heavy burden for me; it was utter foolishness that made me acquire it without thinking. But I would have rather faced a thousand deaths than betray it. It was your own jealousy and the weight on your mind that caused you to observe my actions and to feel alarmed by every little thing I did."
"You began in confidence; why did you not continue in confidence? The evil that resulted from my original imprudence would then have been comparatively little. You threatened me: did I then betray you? A word from my lips at that time would have freed me from your threats for ever. I bore them for a considerable period, and at last quitted your service, and threw myself a fugitive upon the world, in silence. Why did you not suffer me to depart? You brought me back by stratagem and violence, and wantonly accused me of an enormous felony! Did I then mention a syllable of the murder, the secret of which was in my possession?
You started off confidently; why didn't you keep that confidence going? The harm that came from my initial mistakes would have been relatively minor. You threatened me; did I betray you then? A single word from me at that moment would have freed me from your threats forever. I put up with them for quite a while, and eventually left your service, becoming a fugitive in the world, in silence. Why didn't you let me go? You dragged me back through trickery and force and falsely accused me of a serious crime! Did I ever say a word about the murder, the secret I held?
"Where is the man that has suffered more from the injustice of society than I have done? I was accused of a villainy that my heart abhorred. I was sent to jail. I will not enumerate the horrors of my prison, the lightest of which would make the heart of humanity shudder. I looked forward to the gallows! Young, ambitious, fond of life, innocent as the child unborn, I looked forward to the gallows! I believed that one word of resolute accusation against my patron would deliver me; yet I was silent, I armed myself with patience, uncertain whether it were better to accuse or to die. Did this show me a man unworthy to be trusted?
"Where is the man who has suffered more from society's injustice than I have? I was accused of a crime that I detested. I was sent to jail. I won’t list the horrors of my imprisonment, the least of which would make anyone’s heart ache. I anticipated the gallows! Young, ambitious, eager to live, innocent as an unborn child, I looked ahead to the gallows! I thought that one strong accusation against my benefactor would set me free; yet I stayed silent, mustering patience, unsure whether it was better to speak out or to die. Did this make me someone unworthy of trust?"
"I determined to break out of prison. With infinite difficulty, and repeated miscarriages, I at length effected my purpose. Instantly a proclamation, with a hundred guineas reward, was issued for apprehending me. I was obliged to take shelter among the refuse of mankind, in the midst of a gang of thieves. I encountered the most imminent peril of my life when I entered this retreat, and when I quitted it. Immediately after, I travelled almost the whole length of the kingdom, in poverty and distress, in hourly danger of being retaken and manacled like a felon. I would have fled my country; I was prevented. I had recourse to various disguises; I was innocent, and yet was compelled to as many arts and subterfuges as could have been entailed on the worst of villains. In London I was as much harassed and as repeatedly alarmed as I had been in my flight through the country. Did all these persecutions persuade me to put an end to my silence? No: I suffered them with patience and submission; I did not make one attempt to retort them upon their author.
"I decided to escape from prison. With immense difficulty and many failures, I finally succeeded. Immediately, a notice was issued offering a reward of a hundred guineas for my capture. I had to hide among society’s outcasts, surrounded by a group of thieves. I faced the greatest dangers of my life both when I entered this hideout and when I left it. Soon after, I traveled almost the entire length of the country, living in poverty and fear, constantly at risk of being caught and shackled like a criminal. I thought about fleeing the country, but I was prevented. I used various disguises; I was innocent but forced to resort to as many tricks and deceptions as the worst of criminals. In London, I faced just as much harassment and fear as I had during my escape through the countryside. Did all these troubles make me decide to break my silence? No: I endured them with patience and submission; I didn’t try to retaliate against those who caused them."
"I fell at last into the hands of the miscreants that are nourished with human blood. In this terrible situation I, for the first time, attempted, by turning informer, to throw the weight from myself. Happily for me, the London magistrate listened to my tale with insolent contempt.
"I finally ended up in the clutches of the criminals who thrive on human blood. In this awful situation, I tried for the first time to save myself by becoming an informer. Luckily for me, the London magistrate listened to my story with arrogant disdain."
"I soon, and long, repented of my rashness, and rejoiced in my miscarriage.
"I quickly and deeply regretted my impulsiveness, and I was glad about my failure."
"I acknowledge that, in various ways, Mr. Falkland showed humanity towards me during this period. He would have prevented my going to prison at first; he contributed towards my subsistence during my detention; he had no share in the pursuit that had been set on foot against me; he at length procured my discharge, when brought forward for trial. But a great part of his forbearance was unknown to me; I supposed him to be my unrelenting pursuer. I could not forget that, whoever heaped calamities on me in the sequel, they all originated in his forged accusation.
"I realize that Mr. Falkland showed some compassion towards me during this time. He could have stopped me from going to prison at first; he helped support me while I was detained; he wasn't involved in the efforts to chase me down; and eventually, he arranged for my release when it was time for my trial. But a lot of his kindness was hidden from me; I thought he was my relentless enemy. I couldn't shake the fact that, no matter what troubles came my way later, they all started with his false accusation."
"The prosecution against me for felony was now at an end. Why were not my sufferings permitted to terminate then, and I allowed to hide my weary head in some obscure yet tranquil retreat? Had I not sufficiently proved my constancy and fidelity? Would not a compromise in this situation have been most wise and most secure? But the restless and jealous anxiety of Mr. Falkland would not permit him to repose the least atom of confidence. The only compromise that he proposed was that, with my own hand, I should sign myself a villain. I refused this proposal, and have ever since been driven from place to place, deprived of peace, of honest fame, even of bread. For a long time I persisted in the resolution that no emergency should convert me into the assailant. In an evil hour I at last listened to my resentment and impatience, and the hateful mistake into which I fell has produced the present scene.
The prosecution against me for felony was finally over. Why couldn’t my suffering end there, allowing me to find some quiet, hidden place to rest my tired head? Hadn’t I shown enough perseverance and loyalty? Wouldn’t a compromise have been the smartest and safest choice? But Mr. Falkland's restless and jealous worry wouldn’t let him trust me even a little. The only compromise he suggested was that I should sign my own confession as a villain. I turned down that offer, and since then, I’ve been forced to move from place to place, stripped of peace, dignity, and even bread. For a long time, I was determined that nothing would make me the aggressor. But in a moment of weakness, I gave in to my anger and frustration, and the terrible mistake I made led to this current situation.
"I now see that mistake in all its enormity. I am sure that if I had opened my heart to Mr. Falkland, if I had told to him privately the tale that I have now been telling, he could not have resisted my reasonable demand. After all his precautions, he must ultimately have depended upon my forbearance. Could he be sure that, if I were at last worked up to disclose every thing I knew, and to enforce it with all the energy I could exert, I should obtain no credit? If he must in every case be at my mercy, in which mode ought he to have sought his safety, in conciliation, or in inexorable cruelty?
"I now realize the full extent of that mistake. I'm sure that if I had opened my heart to Mr. Falkland and shared with him privately the story I’m telling now, he wouldn’t have been able to resist my reasonable request. Despite all his precautions, he must have ultimately relied on my patience. Could he really be sure that if I finally felt compelled to reveal everything I knew and pushed it with all my strength, I would get no credibility? If he had to be at my mercy in every situation, which approach should he have adopted for his safety: conciliation or ruthless cruelty?"
"Mr. Falkland is of a noble nature. Yes; in spite of the catastrophe of Tyrrel, of the miserable end of the Hawkinses, and of all that I have myself suffered, I affirm that he has qualities of the most admirable kind. It is therefore impossible that he could have resisted a frank and fervent expostulation, the frankness and the fervour in which the whole soul is poured out. I despaired, while it was yet time to have made the just experiment; but my despair was criminal, was treason against the sovereignty of truth.
"Mr. Falkland has a noble character. Yes; despite the disaster involving Tyrrel, the tragic fate of the Hawkinses, and everything I’ve endured, I stand by the fact that he possesses the most admirable qualities. Therefore, it’s impossible that he could have ignored an honest and passionate plea, where the whole heart is laid bare. I gave up hope, even when there was still time to make the right attempt; but my despair was wrong, a betrayal of the authority of truth."
"I have told a plain and unadulterated tale. I came hither to curse, but I remain to bless. I came to accuse, but am compelled to applaud. I proclaim to all the world, that Mr. Falkland is a man worthy of affection and kindness, and that I am myself the basest and most odious of mankind! Never will I forgive myself the iniquity of this day. The memory will always haunt me, and embitter every hour of my existence. In thus acting I have been a murderer—a cool, deliberate, unfeeling murderer.—I have said what my accursed precipitation has obliged me to say. Do with me as you please! I ask no favour. Death would be a kindness, compared to what I feel!"
"I've shared a straightforward and honest story. I came here to curse, but I’m staying to bless. I came to accuse, but now I find myself forced to praise. I declare to everyone that Mr. Falkland is a person deserving of love and compassion, and that I am the lowest and most detestable of people! I will never forgive myself for the wrongdoing of this day. The memory will always haunt me and taint every moment of my life. By acting this way, I have been a murderer—a calm, calculated, unfeeling murderer. I've said what my foolish haste made me say. Do whatever you want with me! I don’t ask for any favors. Death would be a mercy compared to what I’m feeling!"
Such were the accents dictated by my remorse. I poured them out with uncontrollable impetuosity; for my heart was pierced, and I was compelled to give vent to its anguish. Every one that heard me, was petrified with astonishment. Every one that heard me, was melted into tears. They could not resist the ardour with which I praised the great qualities of Falkland; they manifested their sympathy in the tokens of my penitence.
Such were the words prompted by my guilt. I expressed them with uncontrollable urgency; my heart was broken, and I had to release its pain. Everyone who heard me was frozen in shock. Everyone who heard me was brought to tears. They couldn't help but be moved by the passion with which I praised Falkland's great qualities; they showed their sympathy through the signs of my regret.
How shall I describe the feelings of this unfortunate man? Before I began, he seemed sunk and debilitated, incapable of any strenuous impression. When I mentioned the murder, I could perceive in him an involuntary shuddering, though it was counteracted partly by the feebleness of his frame, and partly by the energy of his mind. This was an allegation he expected, and he had endeavoured to prepare himself for it. But there was much of what I said, of which he had had no previous conception. When I expressed the anguish of my mind, he seemed at first startled and alarmed, lest this should be a new expedient to gain credit to my tale. His indignation against me was great for having retained all my resentment towards him, thus, as it might be, to the last hour of his existence. It was increased when he discovered me, as he supposed, using a pretence of liberality and sentiment to give new edge to my hostility. But as I went on he could no longer resist. He saw my sincerity; he was penetrated with my grief and compunction. He rose from his seat, supported by the attendants, and—to my infinite astonishment—threw himself into my arms!
How should I describe the feelings of this unfortunate man? Before I started, he seemed completely drained and weak, unable to handle any intense emotion. When I brought up the murder, I noticed an involuntary shudder from him, though it was somewhat muted by his frail body and partly by his strong mind. This was an accusation he anticipated, and he had tried to prepare himself for it. But there was a lot of what I said that he hadn’t considered before. When I expressed the anguish in my heart, he initially looked shocked and worried that this might be a new tactic to lend credibility to my story. He felt a lot of anger toward me for holding onto all my resentment against him, possibly until the very end of his life. His anger grew when he thought I was pretending to be magnanimous and emotional just to intensify my hatred. But as I continued, he couldn’t hold back anymore. He recognized my sincerity; he was deeply affected by my grief and remorse. He got up from his seat, supported by the attendants, and—to my absolute amazement—threw himself into my arms!
"Williams," said he, "you have conquered! I see too late the greatness and elevation of your mind. I confess that it is to my fault and not yours, that it is to the excess of jealousy that was ever burning in my bosom, that I owe my ruin. I could have resisted any plan of malicious accusation you might have brought against me. But I see that the artless and manly story you have told, has carried conviction to every hearer. All my prospects are concluded. All that I most ardently desired, is for ever frustrated. I have spent a life of the basest cruelty, to cover one act of momentary vice, and to protect myself against the prejudices of my species. I stand now completely detected. My name will be consecrated to infamy, while your heroism, your patience, and your virtues will be for ever admired. You have inflicted on me the most fatal of all mischiefs; but I bless the hand that wounds me. And now,"—turning to the magistrate—"and now, do with me as you please. I am prepared to suffer all the vengeance of the law. You cannot inflict on me more than I deserve. You cannot hate me, more than I hate myself. I am the most execrable of all villains. I have for many years (I know not how long) dragged on a miserable existence in insupportable pain. I am at last, in recompense for all my labours and my crimes, dismissed from it with the disappointment of my only remaining hope, the destruction of that for the sake of which alone I consented to exist. It was worthy of such a life, that it should continue just long enough to witness this final overthrow. If however you wish to punish me, you must be speedy in your justice; for, as reputation was the blood that warmed my heart, so I feel that death and infamy must seize me together."
"Williams," he said, "you've won! I realize too late the greatness and depth of your mind. I admit that it's my fault, not yours; my overwhelming jealousy has led to my downfall. I could have handled any false accusations you might have thrown my way. But I see that the genuine and brave story you've shared has convinced everyone. All my dreams are over. Everything I wanted most is permanently dashed. I've spent my life being cruel to hide one moment of weakness and to protect myself from society's judgment. I'm fully exposed now. My name will be forever associated with shame, while your bravery, patience, and virtues will be admired by all. You've inflicted the worst of all harms on me, but I thank the hand that has hurt me. And now,"—turning to the magistrate—"do what you will with me. I'm ready to face whatever punishment the law dishes out. You can't punish me more than I deserve. You can't loathe me more than I loathe myself. I'm the worst of all villains. For many years (I don't know how long) I've endured a miserable existence filled with unbearable pain. At last, in payment for all my struggles and my crimes, I'm being dismissed from it, alongside the disappointment of my last remaining hope, the very thing for which I chose to live. It was fitting for my life to last just long enough to see this final downfall. However, if you want to punish me, you need to be quick about it; because just as my reputation was the life that fueled me, I feel that death and disgrace will come for me together."
I record the praises bestowed on me by Falkland, not because I deserved them, but because they serve to aggravate the baseness of my cruelty. He survived this dreadful scene but three days. I have been his murderer. It was fit that he should praise my patience, who has fallen a victim, life and fame, to my precipitation! It would have been merciful in comparison, if I had planted a dagger in his heart. He would have thanked me for my kindness. But, atrocious, execrable wretch that I have been! I wantonly inflicted on him an anguish a thousand times worse than death. Meanwhile I endure the penalty of my crime. His figure is ever in imagination before me. Waking or sleeping, I still behold him. He seems mildly to expostulate with me for my unfeeling behaviour. I live the devoted victim of conscious reproach. Alas! I am the same Caleb Williams that, so short a time ago, boasted that, however great were the calamities I endured, I was still innocent.
I note the compliments that Falkland gave me, not because I deserved them, but because they highlight the cruelty of my actions. He only survived that horrific event for three days. I've become his murderer. It's fitting that he praised my patience, while I've become a victim of my own rashness, losing both life and reputation! It would have been more merciful if I had stabbed him instead. He would have appreciated that kindness. But, despicable and horrible person that I've been! I inflicted on him a suffering that was a thousand times worse than death. Meanwhile, I pay the price for my crime. His image is always in my mind. Whether awake or asleep, I still see him. He seems to gently confront me about my heartlessness. I live as a tortured soul, filled with guilt. Alas! I am still the same Caleb Williams who, not long ago, bragged that, no matter how great my misfortunes, I remained innocent.
Such has been the result of a project I formed, for delivering myself from the evil that had so long attended me. I thought that, if Falkland were dead, I should return once again to all that makes life worth possessing. I thought that, if the guilt of Falkland were established, fortune and the world would smile upon my efforts. Both these events are accomplished; and it is now only that I am truly miserable.
That's the outcome of a project I started to free myself from the misery that had followed me for so long. I figured that if Falkland were dead, I could go back to everything that makes life worth living. I believed that if Falkland’s guilt was proven, luck and the world would support my efforts. Both of those things have happened, and now I find myself genuinely miserable.
Why should my reflections perpetually centre upon myself?—self, an overweening regard to which has been the source of my errors! Falkland, I will think only of thee, and from that thought will draw ever-fresh nourishment for my sorrows! One generous, one disinterested tear I will consecrate to thy ashes! A nobler spirit lived not among the sons of men. Thy intellectual powers were truly sublime, and thy bosom burned with a god-like ambition. But of what use are talents and sentiments in the corrupt wilderness of human society? It is a rank and rotten soil, from which every finer shrub draws poison as it grows. All that, in a happier field and a purer air, would expand into virtue and germinate into usefulness, is thus concerted into henbane and deadly nightshade.
Why should I always focus on myself?—myself, whose excessive self-importance has led to my mistakes! Falkland, I’ll think only of you, and I’ll draw fresh strength for my sorrows from that thought! I’ll dedicate one generous, selfless tear to your memory! No nobler spirit walked among humanity. Your intellect was truly remarkable, and your heart burned with a god-like ambition. But what good are talents and feelings in the corrupt jungle of society? It’s a foul and decaying ground, where every delicate plant absorbs poison as it grows. All that, in a better environment and a cleaner atmosphere, would flourish into virtue and become useful, is instead twisted into toxic plants like henbane and deadly nightshade.
Falkland! thou enteredst upon thy career with the purest and most laudable intentions. But thou imbibedst the poison of chivalry with thy earliest youth; and the base and low-minded envy that met thee on thy return to thy native seats, operated with this poison to hurry thee into madness. Soon, too soon, by this fatal coincidence, were the blooming hopes of thy youth blasted for ever. From that moment thou only continuedst to live to the phantom of departed honour. From that moment thy benevolence was, in a great part, turned into rankling jealousy and inexorable precaution. Year after year didst thou spend in this miserable project of imposture; and only at last continuedst to live, long enough to see, by my misjudging and abhorred intervention, thy closing hope disappointed, and thy death accompanied with the foulest disgrace!
Falkland! You started your journey with the purest and most admirable intentions. But you absorbed the poison of chivalry in your early youth, and the mean and petty envy you faced when you returned to your homeland worked with this poison to drive you into madness. Too soon, by this unfortunate coincidence, the bright hopes of your youth were forever shattered. From that moment, you continued to live only for the ghost of lost honor. From that moment, your kindness mostly turned into bitter jealousy and relentless caution. Year after year, you spent in this miserable scheme of deceit; and in the end, you lived just long enough to see, through my misguided and despised interference, your final hope dashed and your death marked by the worst disgrace!
I began these memoirs with the idea of vindicating my character. I have now no character that I wish to vindicate: but I will finish them that thy story may be fully understood; and that, if those errors of thy life be known which thou so ardently desiredst to conceal, the world may at least not hear and repeat a half-told and mangled tale.
I started these memoirs thinking I could clear my name. I no longer have a reputation I want to defend, but I will complete them so that your story can be fully understood; and if those mistakes of your life that you desperately wanted to keep hidden are revealed, at least the world won't hear and spread a half-told and twisted story.
THE END.
FOOTNOTES
Footnote 1: (return)I confess, however, the inability I found to weave a catastrophe, such as I desired, out of these ordinary incidents. What I have here said, therefore, must not be interpreted as applicable to the concluding sheets of my work.
Footnote 2: (return)An incident exactly similar to this was witnessed by a friend of the author, a few years since, in a visit to the prison of Newgate.
Footnote 3: (return)A story extremely similar to this is to be found in the Newgate Calendar, vol. i. p. 382.
Footnote 6: (return)This seems to be the parody of a celebrated saying of John King of France, who was taken prisoner by the Black Prince at the battle of Poitiers.
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