This is a modern-English version of The Jolly Corner, originally written by James, Henry. It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling, and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.

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THE JOLLY CORNER
by Henry James

CHAPTER I

“Every one asks me what I ‘think’ of everything,” said Spencer Brydon; “and I make answer as I can—begging or dodging the question, putting them off with any nonsense.  It wouldn’t matter to any of them really,” he went on, “for, even were it possible to meet in that stand-and-deliver way so silly a demand on so big a subject, my ‘thoughts’ would still be almost altogether about something that concerns only myself.”  He was talking to Miss Staverton, with whom for a couple of months now he had availed himself of every possible occasion to talk; this disposition and this resource, this comfort and support, as the situation in fact presented itself, having promptly enough taken the first place in the considerable array of rather unattenuated surprises attending his so strangely belated return to America.  Everything was somehow a surprise; and that might be natural when one had so long and so consistently neglected everything, taken pains to give surprises so much margin for play.  He had given them more than thirty years—thirty-three, to be exact; and they now seemed to him to have organised their performance quite on the scale of that licence.  He had been twenty-three on leaving New York—he was fifty-six to-day; unless indeed he were to reckon as he had sometimes, since his repatriation, found himself feeling; in which case he would have lived longer than is often allotted to man.  It would have taken a century, he repeatedly said to himself, and said also to Alice Staverton, it would have taken a longer absence and a more averted mind than those even of which he had been guilty, to pile up the differences, the newnesses, the queernesses, above all the bignesses, for the better or the worse, that at present assaulted his vision wherever he looked.

“Everyone asks me what I ‘think’ about everything,” said Spencer Brydon; “and I respond as best as I can—either by begging off or dodging the question, distracting them with whatever nonsense I can come up with. It wouldn’t really matter to any of them,” he continued, “because even if it were possible to address such a ridiculous question on such a huge topic, my ‘thoughts’ would mostly be about things that only concern me.” He was speaking to Miss Staverton, with whom he had taken every possible opportunity to converse for the past couple of months; this tendency and this resource, this comfort and support—as the situation really was—had quickly become the central focus among the many surprising aspects of his unexpectedly delayed return to America. Everything felt like a surprise; and that might be understandable after neglecting everything for so long, allowing surprises plenty of room to emerge. He had given it more than thirty years—thirty-three, to be exact; and now it seemed to him that they had organized themselves quite creatively in light of that freedom. He had been twenty-three when he left New York—he was fifty-six today; unless he counted the way he had sometimes, since coming back, felt; in which case he would have lived longer than is typical for a person. It would have taken a century, he often reminded himself, and mentioned to Alice Staverton as well, it would have taken a much longer absence and an even more distracted mind than he had managed to create, to accumulate the differences, the new things, the oddities, and especially the vast changes, whether good or bad, that now overwhelmed his senses in every direction he looked.

The great fact all the while, however, had been the incalculability; since he had supposed himself, from decade to decade, to be allowing, and in the most liberal and intelligent manner, for brilliancy of change.  He actually saw that he had allowed for nothing; he missed what he would have been sure of finding, he found what he would never have imagined.  Proportions and values were upside-down; the ugly things he had expected, the ugly things of his far-away youth, when he had too promptly waked up to a sense of the ugly—these uncanny phenomena placed him rather, as it happened, under the charm; whereas the “swagger” things, the modern, the monstrous, the famous things, those he had more particularly, like thousands of ingenuous enquirers every year, come over to see, were exactly his sources of dismay.  They were as so many set traps for displeasure, above all for reaction, of which his restless tread was constantly pressing the spring.  It was interesting, doubtless, the whole show, but it would have been too disconcerting hadn’t a certain finer truth saved the situation.  He had distinctly not, in this steadier light, come over all for the monstrosities; he had come, not only in the last analysis but quite on the face of the act, under an impulse with which they had nothing to do.  He had come—putting the thing pompously—to look at his “property,” which he had thus for a third of a century not been within four thousand miles of; or, expressing it less sordidly, he had yielded to the humour of seeing again his house on the jolly corner, as he usually, and quite fondly, described it—the one in which he had first seen the light, in which various members of his family had lived and had died, in which the holidays of his overschooled boyhood had been passed and the few social flowers of his chilled adolescence gathered, and which, alienated then for so long a period, had, through the successive deaths of his two brothers and the termination of old arrangements, come wholly into his hands.  He was the owner of another, not quite so “good”—the jolly corner having been, from far back, superlatively extended and consecrated; and the value of the pair represented his main capital, with an income consisting, in these later years, of their respective rents which (thanks precisely to their original excellent type) had never been depressingly low.  He could live in “Europe,” as he had been in the habit of living, on the product of these flourishing New York leases, and all the better since, that of the second structure, the mere number in its long row, having within a twelvemonth fallen in, renovation at a high advance had proved beautifully possible.

The big realization all along was the unpredictability; he had thought that, over the years, he was open-mindedly anticipating an impressive range of changes. He actually realized that he hadn’t anticipated anything at all; he overlooked what he would have expected to find and discovered what he could never have imagined. The proportions and values were flipped; the unpleasant things he had anticipated—the ugly aspects from his distant youth, when he had awoken too quickly to reality—strangely captivated him. Meanwhile, the “fancy” things, the modern, the bizarre, the well-known attractions that he, like many eager explorers each year, had come to see were precisely the sources of his disappointment. They were like traps set for dissatisfaction, especially for a backlash that his restless steps were always triggering. The whole experience was certainly fascinating, but it would have been overwhelming if it weren’t for a certain deeper truth that saved the day. In this clearer perspective, he hadn’t come over just for the oddities; he had arrived, not only in a deeper sense but also on the surface, driven by reasons that didn’t involve them. He had come—putting it grandly—to check on his “property,” which he hadn’t seen in over thirty years; or, less dramatically, he had given in to the desire to see again his beloved house on the charming corner, as he affectionately called it—the one where he was born, where various family members had lived and passed away, where he had spent the holidays of his overly sheltered childhood and collected the few social joys of his awkward teenage years. After being away for so long, it had fully come into his possession after the deaths of his two brothers and the end of old arrangements. He was the owner of another property, not quite as “good”—the charming corner had long been uniquely distinguished and cherished; the total value of both represented his main asset, with an income these days coming from their respective rents, which (thanks to their originally excellent condition) had never dipped too low. He could live in “Europe,” as he was accustomed to, on the proceeds of these successful New York leases, especially since, regarding the second property, its placement in the long line had allowed it to undergo a significant renovation beautifully, only within a year after it fell into his hands.

These were items of property indeed, but he had found himself since his arrival distinguishing more than ever between them.  The house within the street, two bristling blocks westward, was already in course of reconstruction as a tall mass of flats; he had acceded, some time before, to overtures for this conversion—in which, now that it was going forward, it had been not the least of his astonishments to find himself able, on the spot, and though without a previous ounce of such experience, to participate with a certain intelligence, almost with a certain authority.  He had lived his life with his back so turned to such concerns and his face addressed to those of so different an order that he scarce knew what to make of this lively stir, in a compartment of his mind never yet penetrated, of a capacity for business and a sense for construction.  These virtues, so common all round him now, had been dormant in his own organism—where it might be said of them perhaps that they had slept the sleep of the just.  At present, in the splendid autumn weather—the autumn at least was a pure boon in the terrible place—he loafed about his “work” undeterred, secretly agitated; not in the least “minding” that the whole proposition, as they said, was vulgar and sordid, and ready to climb ladders, to walk the plank, to handle materials and look wise about them, to ask questions, in fine, and challenge explanations and really “go into” figures.

These were indeed possessions, but since he arrived, he had found himself distinguishing them more than ever. The house on the street, two blocks west, was already being rebuilt as a tall block of apartments. He had agreed, some time ago, to proposals for this change—and now that it was happening, he was surprised to find himself able to engage with a certain understanding, almost with a sense of authority, despite having no previous experience. He had lived his life turning his back on concerns like this, focusing instead on things so different that he barely knew how to react to this lively activity in a part of his mind that had never been explored before, revealing a knack for business and an eye for construction. These qualities, so common around him now, had been dormant within him—one could say they had slept the sleep of the just. Currently, in the beautiful autumn weather—at least the autumn was a true blessing in this awful place—he wandered around his “work” unfazed, secretly anxious; he didn’t care at all that the whole idea, as they put it, was crude and lowly, and was ready to climb ladders, walk planks, handle materials, and appear knowledgeable, to ask questions, in short, to challenge explanations and really dig into the numbers.

It amused, it verily quite charmed him; and, by the same stroke, it amused, and even more, Alice Staverton, though perhaps charming her perceptibly less.  She wasn’t, however, going to be better-off for it, as he was—and so astonishingly much: nothing was now likely, he knew, ever to make her better-off than she found herself, in the afternoon of life, as the delicately frugal possessor and tenant of the small house in Irving Place to which she had subtly managed to cling through her almost unbroken New York career.  If he knew the way to it now better than to any other address among the dreadful multiplied numberings which seemed to him to reduce the whole place to some vast ledger-page, overgrown, fantastic, of ruled and criss-crossed lines and figures—if he had formed, for his consolation, that habit, it was really not a little because of the charm of his having encountered and recognised, in the vast wilderness of the wholesale, breaking through the mere gross generalisation of wealth and force and success, a small still scene where items and shades, all delicate things, kept the sharpness of the notes of a high voice perfectly trained, and where economy hung about like the scent of a garden.  His old friend lived with one maid and herself dusted her relics and trimmed her lamps and polished her silver; she stood oft, in the awful modern crush, when she could, but she sallied forth and did battle when the challenge was really to “spirit,” the spirit she after all confessed to, proudly and a little shyly, as to that of the better time, that of their common, their quite far-away and antediluvian social period and order.  She made use of the street-cars when need be, the terrible things that people scrambled for as the panic-stricken at sea scramble for the boats; she affronted, inscrutably, under stress, all the public concussions and ordeals; and yet, with that slim mystifying grace of her appearance, which defied you to say if she were a fair young woman who looked older through trouble, or a fine smooth older one who looked young through successful indifference with her precious reference, above all, to memories and histories into which he could enter, she was as exquisite for him as some pale pressed flower (a rarity to begin with), and, failing other sweetnesses, she was a sufficient reward of his effort.  They had communities of knowledge, “their” knowledge (this discriminating possessive was always on her lips) of presences of the other age, presences all overlaid, in his case, by the experience of a man and the freedom of a wanderer, overlaid by pleasure, by infidelity, by passages of life that were strange and dim to her, just by “Europe” in short, but still unobscured, still exposed and cherished, under that pious visitation of the spirit from which she had never been diverted.

It entertained him, truly charmed him; and, at the same time, it entertained Alice Staverton even more, though perhaps he charmed her a bit less. However, she wasn’t going to gain as much from it as he was—and in such an astonishing way: he knew nothing was likely to ever make her better off than she already was, in the latter part of her life, as the delicately frugal owner and tenant of the small house in Irving Place, which she had cleverly managed to hold onto throughout her nearly uninterrupted New York career. If he now knew that address better than any other among the overwhelming multitude of numbers that made the whole place feel like an enormous ledger page, cluttered with bizarre, intricate lines and figures—if he had developed that habit, which comforted him, it was largely due to the charm of having found and recognized, amidst the vast wilderness of the marketplace, breaking through the mere gross generalizations of wealth and power and success, a small, still scene where delicate details kept the sharpness of a trained high voice and where simplicity lingered like the fragrance of a garden. His old friend lived with one maid and personally dusted her treasures, trimmed her lamps, and polished her silver; she often stood her ground in the overwhelming modern chaos when she could, but she ventured out and fought back when the challenge truly called for “spirit,” the spirit she nevertheless confessed to, a bit proudly and shyly, as belonging to a better time, that of “their” shared, long-gone, almost mythological social period and order. She took the streetcars when necessary, those terrible things that people scrambled for like the panicked at sea scrambling for lifeboats; she faced, inscrutably, the public shocks and trials; yet, with that slim, mystifying grace in her appearance, which defied anyone to say whether she was a fair young woman who looked older from hardship, or a fine, smooth older woman who appeared young from successful indifference and her precious connection, above all, to memories and histories that he could share in, she was as exquisite for him as some pale pressed flower (a rarity to start with), and, lacking other sweetnesses, she was a sufficient reward for his efforts. They shared a community of knowledge, “their” knowledge (this distinguishing possessive was always on her lips) of the presences from another age, those presences that, in his case, were layered over by the experiences of a man and the freedom of a wanderer, overshadowed by pleasure, betrayal, and phases of life that were strange and dim for her, simply by “Europe” in short, but still clear, still cherished, under that respectful visitation of the spirit she had never strayed from.

She had come with him one day to see how his “apartment-house” was rising; he had helped her over gaps and explained to her plans, and while they were there had happened to have, before her, a brief but lively discussion with the man in charge, the representative of the building firm that had undertaken his work.  He had found himself quite “standing up” to this personage over a failure on the latter’s part to observe some detail of one of their noted conditions, and had so lucidly argued his case that, besides ever so prettily flushing, at the time, for sympathy in his triumph, she had afterwards said to him (though to a slightly greater effect of irony) that he had clearly for too many years neglected a real gift.  If he had but stayed at home he would have anticipated the inventor of the sky-scraper.  If he had but stayed at home he would have discovered his genius in time really to start some new variety of awful architectural hare and run it till it burrowed in a gold mine.  He was to remember these words, while the weeks elapsed, for the small silver ring they had sounded over the queerest and deepest of his own lately most disguised and most muffled vibrations.

She had visited him one day to see how his “apartment building” was coming along; he had helped her over obstacles and explained the plans to her. While they were there, he ended up having a brief but animated discussion with the guy in charge, the representative from the construction firm handling his project. He found himself holding his own against this person over a mistake the guy made regarding some detail of their well-known conditions. He argued his point so clearly that, aside from blushing prettily for sympathy in his victory, she later told him (with a hint of irony) that he had clearly neglected a real talent for far too many years. If he had just stayed home, he would have predicted the inventor of the skyscraper. If he had just stayed home, he would have discovered his genius in time to kick off some new kind of outrageous architectural idea and run with it until it turned into a gold mine. He was to remember these words as the weeks went by, for the small silver ring they had created echoed the strangest and deepest of his own recently most hidden and suppressed feelings.

It had begun to be present to him after the first fortnight, it had broken out with the oddest abruptness, this particular wanton wonderment: it met him there—and this was the image under which he himself judged the matter, or at least, not a little, thrilled and flushed with it—very much as he might have been met by some strange figure, some unexpected occupant, at a turn of one of the dim passages of an empty house.  The quaint analogy quite hauntingly remained with him, when he didn’t indeed rather improve it by a still intenser form: that of his opening a door behind which he would have made sure of finding nothing, a door into a room shuttered and void, and yet so coming, with a great suppressed start, on some quite erect confronting presence, something planted in the middle of the place and facing him through the dusk.  After that visit to the house in construction he walked with his companion to see the other and always so much the better one, which in the eastward direction formed one of the corners,—the “jolly” one precisely, of the street now so generally dishonoured and disfigured in its westward reaches, and of the comparatively conservative Avenue.  The Avenue still had pretensions, as Miss Staverton said, to decency; the old people had mostly gone, the old names were unknown, and here and there an old association seemed to stray, all vaguely, like some very aged person, out too late, whom you might meet and feel the impulse to watch or follow, in kindness, for safe restoration to shelter.

After the first two weeks, it started to hit him with strange suddenness—this particular, wild sense of wonder. It caught him off guard, and this was the image he used to assess the situation, or at least it thrilled and excited him: much like encountering a bizarre figure or an unexpected inhabitant while wandering through the dim hallways of an empty house. The unusual comparison lingered in his mind, and he even intensified it by imagining opening a door he thought would reveal nothing—just a shuttered, empty room. Yet, he found himself confronted by a startling presence, something standing boldly in the middle of the space, facing him through the darkness. After that visit to the construction site, he walked with his companion to check out the other, much better house, which formed one of the corners to the east—the "jolly" one precisely—of the street that had become largely dishonored and disfigured in its western parts and the relatively conservative Avenue. The Avenue still had some claims to decency, as Miss Staverton mentioned; most of the old residents had moved on, the old names were unfamiliar, and occasionally, a faint memory seemed to wander about, like an extremely elderly person out too late, whom you might feel compelled to watch or follow, out of kindness, to ensure they returned safely to shelter.

They went in together, our friends; he admitted himself with his key, as he kept no one there, he explained, preferring, for his reasons, to leave the place empty, under a simple arrangement with a good woman living in the neighbourhood and who came for a daily hour to open windows and dust and sweep.  Spencer Brydon had his reasons and was growingly aware of them; they seemed to him better each time he was there, though he didn’t name them all to his companion, any more than he told her as yet how often, how quite absurdly often, he himself came.  He only let her see for the present, while they walked through the great blank rooms, that absolute vacancy reigned and that, from top to bottom, there was nothing but Mrs. Muldoon’s broomstick, in a corner, to tempt the burglar.  Mrs. Muldoon was then on the premises, and she loquaciously attended the visitors, preceding them from room to room and pushing back shutters and throwing up sashes—all to show them, as she remarked, how little there was to see.  There was little indeed to see in the great gaunt shell where the main dispositions and the general apportionment of space, the style of an age of ampler allowances, had nevertheless for its master their honest pleading message, affecting him as some good old servant’s, some lifelong retainer’s appeal for a character, or even for a retiring-pension; yet it was also a remark of Mrs. Muldoon’s that, glad as she was to oblige him by her noonday round, there was a request she greatly hoped he would never make of her.  If he should wish her for any reason to come in after dark she would just tell him, if he “plased,” that he must ask it of somebody else.

They went in together, our friends; he let himself in with his key, explaining that he didn’t keep anyone there, as he preferred, for his own reasons, to leave the place empty. He had a simple arrangement with a nice woman living nearby who came for an hour every day to open windows and clean. Spencer Brydon had his reasons and was becoming more aware of them; they seemed better to him each time he was there, though he didn’t mention them all to his companion, just like he hadn’t yet told her how often, how absurdly often, he himself came. He only let her see for now, while they walked through the large empty rooms, that there was complete vacancy and that, from top to bottom, there was nothing but Mrs. Muldoon’s broomstick in a corner to attract a burglar. Mrs. Muldoon was there, and she chattered away to the visitors, leading them from room to room, pushing back shutters and lifting windows—all to show them, as she noted, how little there was to see. There was indeed very little to see in the big, stark structure where the main layout and overall space distribution, reflective of an age with more generous accommodations, still sent forth an honest appeal like that of some faithful servant, requesting acknowledgment or even a retirement pension; yet it was also a remark of Mrs. Muldoon’s that, as glad as she was to help him with her midday rounds, there was one request she hoped he would never make. If he ever wanted her to come in after dark for any reason, she would just tell him, if he “pleased,” that he would have to ask someone else.

The fact that there was nothing to see didn’t militate for the worthy woman against what one might see, and she put it frankly to Miss Staverton that no lady could be expected to like, could she? “craping up to thim top storeys in the ayvil hours.”  The gas and the electric light were off the house, and she fairly evoked a gruesome vision of her march through the great grey rooms—so many of them as there were too!—with her glimmering taper.  Miss Staverton met her honest glare with a smile and the profession that she herself certainly would recoil from such an adventure.  Spencer Brydon meanwhile held his peace—for the moment; the question of the “evil” hours in his old home had already become too grave for him.  He had begun some time since to “crape,” and he knew just why a packet of candles addressed to that pursuit had been stowed by his own hand, three weeks before, at the back of a drawer of the fine old sideboard that occupied, as a “fixture,” the deep recess in the dining-room.  Just now he laughed at his companions—quickly however changing the subject; for the reason that, in the first place, his laugh struck him even at that moment as starting the odd echo, the conscious human resonance (he scarce knew how to qualify it) that sounds made while he was there alone sent back to his ear or his fancy; and that, in the second, he imagined Alice Staverton for the instant on the point of asking him, with a divination, if he ever so prowled.  There were divinations he was unprepared for, and he had at all events averted enquiry by the time Mrs. Muldoon had left them, passing on to other parts.

The fact that there was nothing to see didn't deter the worthy woman from what one *might* see, and she frankly told Miss Staverton that no lady could reasonably enjoy "creeping up to those top stories in the evil hours." The gas and electric lights were off in the house, and she conjured up a chilling image of her navigating the many large gray rooms with her flickering candle. Miss Staverton responded to her blunt look with a smile, admitting that she herself would certainly shy away from such an adventure. Meanwhile, Spencer Brydon held his tongue—for now; the topic of the "evil" hours in his childhood home had already become too serious for him. He had started to "creep" some time ago, and he knew exactly why a pack of candles meant for that activity had been tucked away by him three weeks earlier at the back of a drawer in the fine old sideboard that was a permanent fixture in the dining room. Just then, he laughed at his companions—but quickly changed the subject because, first, his laugh struck him even then as echoing the strange, conscious resonance that sounds made while he was alone there; and second, he imagined Alice Staverton was about to ask him, almost intuitively, if he ever prowled around. There were questions he wasn't ready for, and he had, at least, dodged scrutiny by the time Mrs. Muldoon had left them to move on to other areas.

There was happily enough to say, on so consecrated a spot, that could be said freely and fairly; so that a whole train of declarations was precipitated by his friend’s having herself broken out, after a yearning look round: “But I hope you don’t mean they want you to pull this to pieces!”  His answer came, promptly, with his re-awakened wrath: it was of course exactly what they wanted, and what they were “at” him for, daily, with the iteration of people who couldn’t for their life understand a man’s liability to decent feelings.  He had found the place, just as it stood and beyond what he could express, an interest and a joy.  There were values other than the beastly rent-values, and in short, in short—!  But it was thus Miss Staverton took him up.  “In short you’re to make so good a thing of your sky-scraper that, living in luxury on those ill-gotten gains, you can afford for a while to be sentimental here!”  Her smile had for him, with the words, the particular mild irony with which he found half her talk suffused; an irony without bitterness and that came, exactly, from her having so much imagination—not, like the cheap sarcasms with which one heard most people, about the world of “society,” bid for the reputation of cleverness, from nobody’s really having any.  It was agreeable to him at this very moment to be sure that when he had answered, after a brief demur, “Well, yes; so, precisely, you may put it!” her imagination would still do him justice.  He explained that even if never a dollar were to come to him from the other house he would nevertheless cherish this one; and he dwelt, further, while they lingered and wandered, on the fact of the stupefaction he was already exciting, the positive mystification he felt himself create.

There was plenty to say, in such a special place, that could be expressed openly and honestly; so a whole series of statements was triggered by his friend suddenly exclaiming, after looking around with longing: “But I hope you don’t mean they want you to tear this apart!” His reply came quickly, fueled by his renewed anger: it was, of course, exactly what they wanted, and what they approached him about daily, with the persistence of people who couldn’t grasp a man's capacity for decent emotions. He had discovered the place, just as it was and beyond what he could articulate, an interest and a joy. There were values beyond the awful rent prices, and in short, in short—! But that’s when Miss Staverton interjected. “In short, you’re supposed to make such a good thing out of your skyscraper that, living in luxury on those ill-gotten gains, you can afford to be sentimental here for a while!” Her smile carried for him, along with the words, the specific gentle irony that suffused much of her conversation; an irony without bitterness that came precisely from her having so much imagination—not like the cheap sarcasm that most people used to sound clever about the world of “society,” stemming from the fact that no one truly had any. At that moment, it was reassuring for him to know that when he replied, after a brief hesitation, “Well, yes; so, exactly, you can put it that way!” her imagination would still understand him. He explained that even if he never received a dollar from the other house, he would still cherish this one; and he went on, while they lingered and wandered, about the astonishment he was already causing, the genuine confusion he sensed he was creating.

He spoke of the value of all he read into it, into the mere sight of the walls, mere shapes of the rooms, mere sound of the floors, mere feel, in his hand, of the old silver-plated knobs of the several mahogany doors, which suggested the pressure of the palms of the dead the seventy years of the past in fine that these things represented, the annals of nearly three generations, counting his grandfather’s, the one that had ended there, and the impalpable ashes of his long-extinct youth, afloat in the very air like microscopic motes.  She listened to everything; she was a woman who answered intimately but who utterly didn’t chatter.  She scattered abroad therefore no cloud of words; she could assent, she could agree, above all she could encourage, without doing that.  Only at the last she went a little further than he had done himself.  “And then how do you know?  You may still, after all, want to live here.”  It rather indeed pulled him up, for it wasn’t what he had been thinking, at least in her sense of the words, “You mean I may decide to stay on for the sake of it?”

He talked about the value of everything he saw—the walls, the shapes of the rooms, the sounds of the floors, and the feel of the old silver-plated knobs on the mahogany doors. These things reminded him of the touch of the hands of those who had passed away over the last seventy years, representing almost three generations, including his grandfather's, which had ended there, and the subtle remnants of his long-lost youth, floating in the air like tiny specks. She listened intently; she was a woman who engaged deeply without being chatty. She didn’t create a cloud of words; she could agree, she could show support, but she did it all without excess talk. At the end, though, she pushed a little further than he had. “So how do you know? You might still want to live here after all.” It caught him off guard because it wasn't what he had been considering, at least not in the way she meant, “Are you saying I might choose to stay just for that?”

“Well, with such a home—!”  But, quite beautifully, she had too much tact to dot so monstrous an i, and it was precisely an illustration of the way she didn’t rattle.  How could any one—of any wit—insist on any one else’s “wanting” to live in New York?

“Well, with such a home—!” But, quite beautifully, she had too much tact to emphasize such a huge point, and it perfectly illustrated how she didn’t get rattled. How could anyone—of any smarts—expect someone else to “want” to live in New York?

“Oh,” he said, “I might have lived here (since I had my opportunity early in life); I might have put in here all these years.  Then everything would have been different enough—and, I dare say, ‘funny’ enough.  But that’s another matter.  And then the beauty of it—I mean of my perversity, of my refusal to agree to a ‘deal’—is just in the total absence of a reason.  Don’t you see that if I had a reason about the matter at all it would have to be the other way, and would then be inevitably a reason of dollars?  There are no reasons here but of dollars.  Let us therefore have none whatever—not the ghost of one.”

“Oh,” he said, “I could have lived here (since I had my chance early in life); I could have spent all these years here. Then everything would have been different enough—and, I’d say, ‘funny’ enough. But that’s a different story. And the beauty of it—I mean my stubbornness, my refusal to agree to a ‘deal’—lies in the complete lack of a reason. Don’t you see that if I had any reason at all, it would have to be the opposite, and it would inevitably be a matter of money? There are no reasons here except for money. So let’s not have any at all—not even a hint of one.”

They were back in the hall then for departure, but from where they stood the vista was large, through an open door, into the great square main saloon, with its almost antique felicity of brave spaces between windows.  Her eyes came back from that reach and met his own a moment.  “Are you very sure the ‘ghost’ of one doesn’t, much rather, serve—?”

They were back in the hall getting ready to leave, but from where they stood, the view was expansive, through an open door, into the large main room, which had an almost vintage charm with its impressive spaces between the windows. Her gaze returned from that view and briefly met his. “Are you really sure that the ‘ghost’ of one doesn’t, in fact, serve—?”

He had a positive sense of turning pale.  But it was as near as they were then to come.  For he made answer, he believed, between a glare and a grin: “Oh ghosts—of course the place must swarm with them!  I should be ashamed of it if it didn’t.  Poor Mrs. Muldoon’s right, and it’s why I haven’t asked her to do more than look in.”

He felt a strange thrill at going pale. But that was as close as they were going to get. He responded, caught between a glare and a grin: “Oh ghosts—of course this place must be full of them! I’d be embarrassed if it wasn’t. Poor Mrs. Muldoon is right, and that's why I haven't asked her to do more than just check in.”

Miss Staverton’s gaze again lost itself, and things she didn’t utter, it was clear, came and went in her mind.  She might even for the minute, off there in the fine room, have imagined some element dimly gathering.  Simplified like the death-mask of a handsome face, it perhaps produced for her just then an effect akin to the stir of an expression in the “set” commemorative plaster.  Yet whatever her impression may have been she produced instead a vague platitude.  “Well, if it were only furnished and lived in—!”

Miss Staverton’s gaze drifted again, and it was clear that unspoken thoughts came and went in her mind. For a moment, in that elegant room, she might have imagined something quietly coming together. Simplified like a death mask of a handsome face, it probably gave her a feeling similar to that of seeing an expression in the commemorative plaster cast. Yet, whatever impression she had, she ended up saying something vague and cliché. “Well, if only it were furnished and lived in—!”

She appeared to imply that in case of its being still furnished he might have been a little less opposed to the idea of a return.  But she passed straight into the vestibule, as if to leave her words behind her, and the next moment he had opened the house-door and was standing with her on the steps.  He closed the door and, while he re-pocketed his key, looking up and down, they took in the comparatively harsh actuality of the Avenue, which reminded him of the assault of the outer light of the Desert on the traveller emerging from an Egyptian tomb.  But he risked before they stepped into the street his gathered answer to her speech.  “For me it is lived in.  For me it is furnished.”  At which it was easy for her to sigh “Ah yes!” all vaguely and discreetly; since his parents and his favourite sister, to say nothing of other kin, in numbers, had run their course and met their end there.  That represented, within the walls, ineffaceable life.

She seemed to suggest that if the place were still furnished, he might have been a bit less resistant to the idea of going back. But she walked right into the foyer, almost as if she wanted to leave her words behind, and in the next moment, he had opened the front door and was standing with her on the steps. He shut the door and, while putting his key back in his pocket, they took in the rather harsh reality of the Avenue, which reminded him of the blinding sunlight of the Desert hitting a traveler coming out of an Egyptian tomb. But before they stepped into the street, he decided to share his response to her comment. “For me, it is lived in. For me, it is furnished.” At which point, it was easy for her to sigh, “Ah yes!” in a vague and discreet way; since his parents and his favorite sister, not to mention numerous other relatives, had lived and died there. That represented, within those walls, an indelible life.

It was a few days after this that, during an hour passed with her again, he had expressed his impatience of the too flattering curiosity—among the people he met—about his appreciation of New York.  He had arrived at none at all that was socially producible, and as for that matter of his “thinking” (thinking the better or the worse of anything there) he was wholly taken up with one subject of thought.  It was mere vain egoism, and it was moreover, if she liked, a morbid obsession.  He found all things come back to the question of what he personally might have been, how he might have led his life and “turned out,” if he had not so, at the outset, given it up.  And confessing for the first time to the intensity within him of this absurd speculation—which but proved also, no doubt, the habit of too selfishly thinking—he affirmed the impotence there of any other source of interest, any other native appeal.  “What would it have made of me, what would it have made of me?  I keep for ever wondering, all idiotically; as if I could possibly know!  I see what it has made of dozens of others, those I meet, and it positively aches within me, to the point of exasperation, that it would have made something of me as well.  Only I can’t make out what, and the worry of it, the small rage of curiosity never to be satisfied, brings back what I remember to have felt, once or twice, after judging best, for reasons, to burn some important letter unopened.  I’ve been sorry, I’ve hated it—I’ve never known what was in the letter.  You may, of course, say it’s a trifle—!”

A few days later, while spending another hour with her, he shared his annoyance about the overly flattering curiosity from the people he met regarding his thoughts on New York. He hadn’t formed any opinions that he could share socially, and when it came to his “thinking” (thinking positively or negatively about anything there), he was completely absorbed in one thought. It was just pointless self-obsession, and, if she wanted to call it that, a kind of unhealthy fixation. Everything kept coming back to the question of what he could have been, how he might have lived his life and “turned out,” if he hadn’t given up so early on. Admitting for the first time how intensely he was wrapped up in this ridiculous speculation—which was also a sign of his tendency to think too selfishly—he claimed that nothing else could capture his interest or appeal to him. “What would it have made of me, what would it have made of me? I keep endlessly wondering, all foolishly; as if I could ever know! I see what it has made of so many others, the people I meet, and it genuinely hurts inside, to the point of frustration, that it would have shaped me too. But I can’t figure out how, and the frustration, that little rage of curiosity that will never be satisfied, brings back memories of times when I decided, for various reasons, to burn some important letter unopened. I’ve regretted it, I’ve hated it—I’ve never known what was in that letter. You might say it’s nothing—!”

“I don’t say it’s a trifle,” Miss Staverton gravely interrupted.

“I’m not saying it’s a small thing,” Miss Staverton gravely interrupted.

She was seated by her fire, and before her, on his feet and restless, he turned to and fro between this intensity of his idea and a fitful and unseeing inspection, through his single eye-glass, of the dear little old objects on her chimney-piece.  Her interruption made him for an instant look at her harder.  “I shouldn’t care if you did!” he laughed, however; “and it’s only a figure, at any rate, for the way I now feel.  Not to have followed my perverse young course—and almost in the teeth of my father’s curse, as I may say; not to have kept it up, so, ‘over there,’ from that day to this, without a doubt or a pang; not, above all, to have liked it, to have loved it, so much, loved it, no doubt, with such an abysmal conceit of my own preference; some variation from that, I say, must have produced some different effect for my life and for my ‘form.’  I should have stuck here—if it had been possible; and I was too young, at twenty-three, to judge, pour deux sous, whether it were possible.  If I had waited I might have seen it was, and then I might have been, by staying here, something nearer to one of these types who have been hammered so hard and made so keen by their conditions.  It isn’t that I admire them so much—the question of any charm in them, or of any charm, beyond that of the rank money-passion, exerted by their conditions for them, has nothing to do with the matter: it’s only a question of what fantastic, yet perfectly possible, development of my own nature I mayn’t have missed.  It comes over me that I had then a strange alter ego deep down somewhere within me, as the full-blown flower is in the small tight bud, and that I just took the course, I just transferred him to the climate, that blighted him for once and for ever.”

She was sitting by her fire, and in front of her, on his feet and restless, he shifted back and forth between the intensity of his thoughts and a distracted, unfocused inspection of the charming little old objects on her mantelpiece through his single eyeglass. Her interruption made him look at her more intently for a moment. “I wouldn’t mind if you did!” he laughed, though; “and it’s just a figure of speech, anyway, for how I feel now. Not to have followed my stubborn young path—and almost in defiance of my father’s curse, as I might say; not to have kept it up, like that, 'over there,' from that day to this, without a doubt or a second thought; not, above all, to have enjoyed it, to have loved it so much, loving it, no doubt, with such a deep pride in my own choices; some variation from that, I say, must have led to some different outcome for my life and for my 'form.' I should have stayed here—if it had been possible; and I was too young, at twenty-three, to know, for two cents, whether it was possible. If I had waited, I might have seen it was, and then by staying here, I might have been something closer to one of those types who have been shaped so intensely and made so sharp by their circumstances. It’s not that I admire them so much—the question of any charm in them, or any charm beyond the sheer money-driven passion their circumstances exert for them, has nothing to do with it: it’s really about what fantastic, yet completely possible, development of my own nature I might not have experienced. It hits me that I had a strange alter ego deep down somewhere within me, just like the full-blown flower is in the tight bud, and that I simply chose the path, I just moved him to the climate that stunted him for good.”

“And you wonder about the flower,” Miss Staverton said.  “So do I, if you want to know; and so I’ve been wondering these several weeks.  I believe in the flower,” she continued, “I feel it would have been quite splendid, quite huge and monstrous.”

“And you’re curious about the flower,” Miss Staverton said. “Me too, if you want to know; I’ve been thinking about it for weeks. I believe in the flower,” she continued, “I feel it would have been really impressive, really huge and overwhelming.”

“Monstrous above all!” her visitor echoed; “and I imagine, by the same stroke, quite hideous and offensive.”

“Monstrous above all!” her visitor repeated; “and I guess, at the same time, pretty ugly and annoying.”

“You don’t believe that,” she returned; “if you did you wouldn’t wonder.  You’d know, and that would be enough for you.  What you feel—and what I feel for you—is that you’d have had power.”

“You don’t really believe that,” she replied. “If you did, you wouldn't be questioning it. You’d just know, and that would satisfy you. What you feel—and what I feel for you—is that you could have had power.”

“You’d have liked me that way?” he asked.

“You would have liked me like that?” he asked.

She barely hung fire.  “How should I not have liked you?”

She hardly hesitated. "How could I not have liked you?"

“I see.  You’d have liked me, have preferred me, a billionaire!”

“I get it. You would have liked me more, preferred me as a billionaire!”

“How should I not have liked you?” she simply again asked.

“How could I not like you?” she asked again, simply.

He stood before her still—her question kept him motionless.  He took it in, so much there was of it; and indeed his not otherwise meeting it testified to that.  “I know at least what I am,” he simply went on; “the other side of the medal’s clear enough.  I’ve not been edifying—I believe I’m thought in a hundred quarters to have been barely decent.  I’ve followed strange paths and worshipped strange gods; it must have come to you again and again—in fact you’ve admitted to me as much—that I was leading, at any time these thirty years, a selfish frivolous scandalous life.  And you see what it has made of me.”

He stood there frozen—her question had him stuck. He took it all in; there was so much to unpack. His silence spoke volumes. “I at least know who I am,” he continued simply; “the other side of that coin is pretty obvious. I haven’t been a good role model—I think many people see me as barely decent. I’ve wandered down some odd paths and worshipped unusual gods; it must have crossed your mind repeatedly—in fact, you’ve even told me—that I’ve been living a selfish, frivolous, scandalous life for these past thirty years. And you can see what it has turned me into.”

She just waited, smiling at him.  “You see what it has made of me.”

She just waited, smiling at him. “You see what it has made of me.”

“Oh you’re a person whom nothing can have altered.  You were born to be what you are, anywhere, anyway: you’ve the perfection nothing else could have blighted.  And don’t you see how, without my exile, I shouldn’t have been waiting till now—?”  But he pulled up for the strange pang.

“Oh, you’re someone who can't be changed. You were meant to be exactly who you are, no matter where or how: you have a perfection that nothing else could spoil. And don’t you see that, without my exile, I wouldn’t have been waiting this long—?” But he hesitated at the strange feeling.

“The great thing to see,” she presently said, “seems to me to be that it has spoiled nothing.  It hasn’t spoiled your being here at last.  It hasn’t spoiled this.  It hasn’t spoiled your speaking—”  She also however faltered.

“The best thing to see,” she said now, “seems to me to be that it hasn’t ruined anything. It hasn’t ruined your being here at last. It hasn’t ruined this. It hasn’t ruined your speaking—” She also, however, hesitated.

He wondered at everything her controlled emotion might mean.  “Do you believe then—too dreadfully!—that I am as good as I might ever have been?”

He was curious about what her restrained feelings could signify. “Do you really think—how awful!—that I am as good as I could have ever been?”

“Oh no!  Far from it!”  With which she got up from her chair and was nearer to him.  “But I don’t care,” she smiled.

“Oh no! Not at all!” With that, she stood up from her chair and moved closer to him. “But I don’t mind,” she smiled.

“You mean I’m good enough?”

"You mean I'm good enough?"

She considered a little.  “Will you believe it if I say so?  I mean will you let that settle your question for you?”  And then as if making out in his face that he drew back from this, that he had some idea which, however absurd, he couldn’t yet bargain away: “Oh you don’t care either—but very differently: you don’t care for anything but yourself.”

She thought for a moment. “Will you really believe me if I say that? I mean, will you just accept that as the answer to your question?” And then, noticing from his expression that he hesitated, that he had some thought he couldn’t let go of, even though it was silly: “Oh, you don’t care either—but in a completely different way: you only care about yourself.”

Spencer Brydon recognised it—it was in fact what he had absolutely professed.  Yet he importantly qualified.  “He isn’t myself.  He’s the just so totally other person.  But I do want to see him,” he added.  “And I can.  And I shall.”

Spencer Brydon realized it—it was exactly what he had claimed. Yet he notably clarified, “He isn’t me. He’s just this completely different person. But I do want to see him,” he added. “And I can. And I will.”

Their eyes met for a minute while he guessed from something in hers that she divined his strange sense.  But neither of them otherwise expressed it, and her apparent understanding, with no protesting shock, no easy derision, touched him more deeply than anything yet, constituting for his stifled perversity, on the spot, an element that was like breatheable air.  What she said however was unexpected.  “Well, I’ve seen him.”

Their eyes locked for a moment as he sensed something in hers that suggested she understood his unusual perspective. But neither of them mentioned it, and her apparent understanding—without any shocked reactions or casual mocking—affected him more than anything else, providing his repressed oddity with a feeling that was like fresh air. However, what she said next was surprising. “Well, I’ve seen him.”

“You—?”

"You—?"

“I’ve seen him in a dream.”

“I saw him in a dream.”

“Oh a ‘dream’—!”  It let him down.

“Oh, a ‘dream’—!” It disappointed him.

“But twice over,” she continued.  “I saw him as I see you now.”

“But twice,” she continued. “I saw him just like I see you now.”

“You’ve dreamed the same dream—?”

"You've had the same dream—?"

“Twice over,” she repeated.  “The very same.”

“Twice over,” she said again. “The exact same.”

This did somehow a little speak to him, as it also gratified him.  “You dream about me at that rate?”

This did somehow resonate with him, and it pleased him as well. “You dream about me like that?”

“Ah about him!” she smiled.

“Ah about him!” she smiled.

His eyes again sounded her.  “Then you know all about him.”  And as she said nothing more: “What’s the wretch like?”

His eyes examined her again. “So, you know everything about him.” And when she didn’t say anything else: “What’s the guy like?”

She hesitated, and it was as if he were pressing her so hard that, resisting for reasons of her own, she had to turn away.  “I’ll tell you some other time!”

She hesitated, and it felt like he was pushing her so hard that, for her own reasons, she had to look away. “I’ll tell you some other time!”

CHAPTER II

It was after this that there was most of a virtue for him, most of a cultivated charm, most of a preposterous secret thrill, in the particular form of surrender to his obsession and of address to what he more and more believed to be his privilege.  It was what in these weeks he was living for—since he really felt life to begin but after Mrs. Muldoon had retired from the scene and, visiting the ample house from attic to cellar, making sure he was alone, he knew himself in safe possession and, as he tacitly expressed it, let himself go.  He sometimes came twice in the twenty-four hours; the moments he liked best were those of gathering dusk, of the short autumn twilight; this was the time of which, again and again, he found himself hoping most.  Then he could, as seemed to him, most intimately wander and wait, linger and listen, feel his fine attention, never in his life before so fine, on the pulse of the great vague place: he preferred the lampless hour and only wished he might have prolonged each day the deep crepuscular spell.  Later—rarely much before midnight, but then for a considerable vigil—he watched with his glimmering light; moving slowly, holding it high, playing it far, rejoicing above all, as much as he might, in open vistas, reaches of communication between rooms and by passages; the long straight chance or show, as he would have called it, for the revelation he pretended to invite.  It was a practice he found he could perfectly “work” without exciting remark; no one was in the least the wiser for it; even Alice Staverton, who was moreover a well of discretion, didn’t quite fully imagine.

It was after this that he found the most virtue in himself, the most cultivated charm, and the most ridiculous thrill in surrendering to his obsession and addressing what he increasingly believed to be his privilege. This was what he was living for during those weeks—since he truly felt life began only after Mrs. Muldoon had left the scene and, while exploring the spacious house from top to bottom, making sure he was alone, he felt completely secure and, as he silently expressed it, let himself relax. He sometimes visited twice in twenty-four hours; his favorite moments were during the gathering dusk, in the brief autumn twilight; this was the time he found himself hoping for the most. During these moments, he felt he could wander intimately and wait, linger and listen, with his fine attention—never before had he felt it so finely—focused on the pulse of the vast, undefined space: he preferred the hour without lamps and only wished he could extend the deep twilight magic each day. Later—rarely much before midnight, but then for quite a while—he watched with his flickering light; moving slowly, holding it high, directing it outwards, delighting most of all in open views, connections between rooms and through hallways; the long, straight chance or display, as he would have called it, for the revelation he pretended to invite. It was a routine he found he could easily carry out without drawing attention; no one was any the wiser; even Alice Staverton, who was also discreet, didn’t fully grasp what was happening.

He let himself in and let himself out with the assurance of calm proprietorship; and accident so far favoured him that, if a fat Avenue “officer” had happened on occasion to see him entering at eleven-thirty, he had never yet, to the best of his belief, been noticed as emerging at two.  He walked there on the crisp November nights, arrived regularly at the evening’s end; it was as easy to do this after dining out as to take his way to a club or to his hotel.  When he left his club, if he hadn’t been dining out, it was ostensibly to go to his hotel; and when he left his hotel, if he had spent a part of the evening there, it was ostensibly to go to his club.  Everything was easy in fine; everything conspired and promoted: there was truly even in the strain of his experience something that glossed over, something that salved and simplified, all the rest of consciousness.  He circulated, talked, renewed, loosely and pleasantly, old relations—met indeed, so far as he could, new expectations and seemed to make out on the whole that in spite of the career, of such different contacts, which he had spoken of to Miss Staverton as ministering so little, for those who might have watched it, to edification, he was positively rather liked than not.  He was a dim secondary social success—and all with people who had truly not an idea of him.  It was all mere surface sound, this murmur of their welcome, this popping of their corks—just as his gestures of response were the extravagant shadows, emphatic in proportion as they meant little, of some game of ombres chinoises.  He projected himself all day, in thought, straight over the bristling line of hard unconscious heads and into the other, the real, the waiting life; the life that, as soon as he had heard behind him the click of his great house-door, began for him, on the jolly corner, as beguilingly as the slow opening bars of some rich music follows the tap of the conductor’s wand.

He walked in and out with a calm confidence, as if he owned the place; and lucky for him, if a heavy-set Avenue “officer” happened to see him coming in at eleven-thirty, he never believed he’d been noticed leaving at two. He strolled there on crisp November nights, arriving right at the end of the evening; it was just as easy to do this after dinner out as it was to head to a club or his hotel. When he left his club, if he hadn’t been dining out, he pretended he was going to his hotel; and when he left his hotel, if he had spent part of the evening there, he pretended he was heading to his club. Everything felt effortless; everything worked together and supported him: even the stress of his situation had a way of glossing over, soothing, and simplifying everything else he was aware of. He mingled, chatted, and casually rekindled old connections—he even sought, as much as he could, new possibilities and seemed overall to be somewhat liked, despite the career and various contacts he had mentioned to Miss Staverton that didn’t provide much enlightenment for anyone who might have watched. He was a vague social success—one that people didn’t really understand. It was all just superficial noise, this hum of their warm welcomes, this popping of their champagne—just as his gestures of acknowledgment were the theatrical shadows, exaggerated in proportion to how little they meant, from a game of ombres chinoises. He projected himself all day, in thought, straight over the sharp line of oblivious heads and into the other, the real, the waiting life; the life that kicked off for him, the moment he heard the click of his grand house door behind him, right at the joyful corner, as enticing as the slow opening notes of rich music follow the conductor’s wand.

He always caught the first effect of the steel point of his stick on the old marble of the hall pavement, large black-and-white squares that he remembered as the admiration of his childhood and that had then made in him, as he now saw, for the growth of an early conception of style.  This effect was the dim reverberating tinkle as of some far-off bell hung who should say where?—in the depths of the house, of the past, of that mystical other world that might have flourished for him had he not, for weal or woe, abandoned it.  On this impression he did ever the same thing; he put his stick noiselessly away in a corner—feeling the place once more in the likeness of some great glass bowl, all precious concave crystal, set delicately humming by the play of a moist finger round its edge.  The concave crystal held, as it were, this mystical other world, and the indescribably fine murmur of its rim was the sigh there, the scarce audible pathetic wail to his strained ear, of all the old baffled forsworn possibilities.  What he did therefore by this appeal of his hushed presence was to wake them into such measure of ghostly life as they might still enjoy.  They were shy, all but unappeasably shy, but they weren’t really sinister; at least they weren’t as he had hitherto felt them—before they had taken the Form he so yearned to make them take, the Form he at moments saw himself in the light of fairly hunting on tiptoe, the points of his evening shoes, from room to room and from storey to storey.

He always felt the first impact of the steel tip of his cane on the old marble flooring of the hallway, made up of large black-and-white squares that he remembered as a source of admiration in his childhood, which had then, as he now realized, contributed to an early idea of style. This impact produced a faint, echoing tinkle, like that of a distant bell hanging somewhere—who knows where?—in the depths of the house, the past, that mystical other world that might have thrived for him had he not, for better or worse, left it behind. With this impression, he always did the same thing; he quietly set his cane away in a corner—sensing the place once more like a large glass bowl, all precious concave crystal, gently vibrating from the touch of a moist finger around its edge. The concave crystal seemed to hold, in a way, this mystical other world, and the indescribably delicate murmur of its rim was the sigh there, a barely audible, sorrowful wail to his attentive ear, of all the old, frustrated, forsaken possibilities. What he did by invoking his quiet presence was to awaken them to whatever ghostly life they might still possess. They were timid, almost unbearably shy, but they weren't truly sinister; at least, they weren't as he had previously perceived them—before they had taken the Form he so longed to shape them into, the Form he occasionally envisioned himself almost stealthily pursuing, the points of his evening shoes, from room to room and from floor to floor.

That was the essence of his vision—which was all rank folly, if one would, while he was out of the house and otherwise occupied, but which took on the last verisimilitude as soon as he was placed and posted.  He knew what he meant and what he wanted; it was as clear as the figure on a cheque presented in demand for cash.  His alter ego “walked”—that was the note of his image of him, while his image of his motive for his own odd pastime was the desire to waylay him and meet him.  He roamed, slowly, warily, but all restlessly, he himself did—Mrs. Muldoon had been right, absolutely, with her figure of their “craping”; and the presence he watched for would roam restlessly too.  But it would be as cautious and as shifty; the conviction of its probable, in fact its already quite sensible, quite audible evasion of pursuit grew for him from night to night, laying on him finally a rigour to which nothing in his life had been comparable.  It had been the theory of many superficially-judging persons, he knew, that he was wasting that life in a surrender to sensations, but he had tasted of no pleasure so fine as his actual tension, had been introduced to no sport that demanded at once the patience and the nerve of this stalking of a creature more subtle, yet at bay perhaps more formidable, than any beast of the forest.  The terms, the comparisons, the very practices of the chase positively came again into play; there were even moments when passages of his occasional experience as a sportsman, stirred memories, from his younger time, of moor and mountain and desert, revived for him—and to the increase of his keenness—by the tremendous force of analogy.  He found himself at moments—once he had placed his single light on some mantel-shelf or in some recess—stepping back into shelter or shade, effacing himself behind a door or in an embrasure, as he had sought of old the vantage of rock and tree; he found himself holding his breath and living in the joy of the instant, the supreme suspense created by big game alone.

That was the heart of his vision—which seemed like total nonsense, of course, while he was outside the house and preoccupied, but which gained a sense of reality the moment he was settled and alert. He understood his purpose and what he wanted; it was as clear as the amount on a check presented for cash. His alter ego “walked”—that was the essence of how he viewed himself, while his understanding of his motivation for this unusual hobby stemmed from a desire to intercept and encounter it. He moved about, slowly and carefully, yet restlessly—Mrs. Muldoon was completely right with her description of their “creeping”; and the presence he waited for would also move about anxiously. But it would be just as cautious and elusive; the belief in its likely—and already quite tangible and discernible—avoidance of detection grew stronger for him night after night, imposing upon him a seriousness unlike anything he had experienced in his life. Many people who judged superficially thought he was wasting his life indulging in fleeting sensations, but he hadn’t felt any pleasure as exquisite as the tension he felt in that moment; he hadn’t engaged in any sport that required both the patience and the nerve of stalking a creature that was more elusive, but perhaps more formidable, than any forest beast. The terminology, the comparisons, and even the strategies of the hunt came back into play; there were moments when snippets of his occasional experiences as a sportsman sparked memories from his younger days spent in moors, mountains, and deserts, revived for him—and sharpening his focus—by the striking force of analogy. At times—once he had set his single light on a mantel or in a nook—he found himself stepping back into concealment or shadow, hiding behind a door or in a recess, as he had once sought the advantage offered by rocks and trees; he found himself holding his breath and reveling in the joy of the moment, the extreme suspense that only big game could create.

He wasn’t afraid (though putting himself the question as he believed gentlemen on Bengal tiger-shoots or in close quarters with the great bear of the Rockies had been known to confess to having put it); and this indeed—since here at least he might be frank!—because of the impression, so intimate and so strange, that he himself produced as yet a dread, produced certainly a strain, beyond the liveliest he was likely to feel.  They fell for him into categories, they fairly became familiar, the signs, for his own perception, of the alarm his presence and his vigilance created; though leaving him always to remark, portentously, on his probably having formed a relation, his probably enjoying a consciousness, unique in the experience of man.  People enough, first and last, had been in terror of apparitions, but who had ever before so turned the tables and become himself, in the apparitional world, an incalculable terror?  He might have found this sublime had he quite dared to think of it; but he didn’t too much insist, truly, on that side of his privilege.  With habit and repetition he gained to an extraordinary degree the power to penetrate the dusk of distances and the darkness of corners, to resolve back into their innocence the treacheries of uncertain light, the evil-looking forms taken in the gloom by mere shadows, by accidents of the air, by shifting effects of perspective; putting down his dim luminary he could still wander on without it, pass into other rooms and, only knowing it was there behind him in case of need, see his way about, visually project for his purpose a comparative clearness.  It made him feel, this acquired faculty, like some monstrous stealthy cat; he wondered if he would have glared at these moments with large shining yellow eyes, and what it mightn’t verily be, for the poor hard-pressed alter ego, to be confronted with such a type.

He wasn’t afraid (even though he wondered if gentlemen on Bengal tiger hunts or in close proximity to the great bears of the Rockies had admitted to feeling that way); and indeed—because here he could be open!—it was due to the oddly personal and strange impression he made, which was at least a fear, definitely a strain, beyond anything he was likely to experience. They categorized him, and he became familiar to them, the signs, for his own understanding, of the alarm his presence and vigilance created; yet this always led him to consider, significantly, that he probably had formed a connection, probably enjoyed a consciousness, unique in human experience. Many had been scared of apparitions before, but who had ever before turned things around and become, in the world of the supernatural, an unpredictable source of fear? He might have found this remarkable had he dared to think about it; but he didn’t dwell too much on that aspect of his situation. Through practice and repetition, he developed an extraordinary ability to cut through the dusk of distances and the darkness of corners, to return the treacheries of uncertain light and the sinister shapes created by shadows, by changes in the air, by shifts in perspective, back to their innocence; putting down his dim light, he could still move on without it, enter other rooms, and, knowing it was behind him if needed, navigate his surroundings, visually projecting a clearer view for his purpose. This developed skill made him feel like some massive, stealthy cat; he wondered if he would have glared at those moments with large glowing yellow eyes, and what it might be like, for the poor overwhelmed alter ego, to face such a being.

He liked however the open shutters; he opened everywhere those Mrs. Muldoon had closed, closing them as carefully afterwards, so that she shouldn’t notice: he liked—oh this he did like, and above all in the upper rooms!—the sense of the hard silver of the autumn stars through the window-panes, and scarcely less the flare of the street-lamps below, the white electric lustre which it would have taken curtains to keep out.  This was human actual social; this was of the world he had lived in, and he was more at his ease certainly for the countenance, coldly general and impersonal, that all the while and in spite of his detachment it seemed to give him.  He had support of course mostly in the rooms at the wide front and the prolonged side; it failed him considerably in the central shades and the parts at the back.  But if he sometimes, on his rounds, was glad of his optical reach, so none the less often the rear of the house affected him as the very jungle of his prey.  The place was there more subdivided; a large “extension” in particular, where small rooms for servants had been multiplied, abounded in nooks and corners, in closets and passages, in the ramifications especially of an ample back staircase over which he leaned, many a time, to look far down—not deterred from his gravity even while aware that he might, for a spectator, have figured some solemn simpleton playing at hide-and-seek.  Outside in fact he might himself make that ironic rapprochement; but within the walls, and in spite of the clear windows, his consistency was proof against the cynical light of New York.

He liked the open shutters; he opened all the ones Mrs. Muldoon had closed, carefully closing them afterwards so she wouldn’t notice. He enjoyed—the upper rooms especially!—the view of the sharp silver autumn stars through the window panes, and also the glow of the street lamps below, the bright electric light that would have needed curtains to block out. This was real life; this was the world he had lived in, and it made him feel more comfortable, despite the cold and impersonal vibe it gave him. He found comfort mostly in the rooms at the wide front and the long side; he felt much less at ease in the central shadows and back areas. But while he sometimes appreciated his wide view during his rounds, the back of the house often felt like a dark jungle of his prey. This area was more divided; a large “extension” in particular, filled with small rooms for servants, was packed with nooks and corners, closets and passages, and especially the winding back staircase he leaned over many times to look down—he didn’t let it affect his seriousness, even though he realized he might have looked like a solemn simpleton playing hide-and-seek to an onlooker. Outside, he could make that ironic connection, but inside the walls, despite the clear windows, he remained unaffected by the cynical light of New York.

It had belonged to that idea of the exasperated consciousness of his victim to become a real test for him; since he had quite put it to himself from the first that, oh distinctly! he could “cultivate” his whole perception.  He had felt it as above all open to cultivation—which indeed was but another name for his manner of spending his time.  He was bringing it on, bringing it to perfection, by practice; in consequence of which it had grown so fine that he was now aware of impressions, attestations of his general postulate, that couldn’t have broken upon him at once.  This was the case more specifically with a phenomenon at last quite frequent for him in the upper rooms, the recognition—absolutely unmistakeable, and by a turn dating from a particular hour, his resumption of his campaign after a diplomatic drop, a calculated absence of three nights—of his being definitely followed, tracked at a distance carefully taken and to the express end that he should the less confidently, less arrogantly, appear to himself merely to pursue.  It worried, it finally quite broke him up, for it proved, of all the conceivable impressions, the one least suited to his book.  He was kept in sight while remaining himself—as regards the essence of his position—sightless, and his only recourse then was in abrupt turns, rapid recoveries of ground.  He wheeled about, retracing his steps, as if he might so catch in his face at least the stirred air of some other quick revolution.  It was indeed true that his fully dislocalised thought of these manoeuvres recalled to him Pantaloon, at the Christmas farce, buffeted and tricked from behind by ubiquitous Harlequin; but it left intact the influence of the conditions themselves each time he was re-exposed to them, so that in fact this association, had he suffered it to become constant, would on a certain side have but ministered to his intenser gravity.  He had made, as I have said, to create on the premises the baseless sense of a reprieve, his three absences; and the result of the third was to confirm the after-effect of the second.

It was part of his victim's frustrated awareness that became a real test for him; he had always thought that he could “cultivate” his entire perception. He believed it was especially open to cultivation—which was just another way of saying how he spent his time. He was honing it, perfecting it through practice; as a result, he had refined it so much that he was now aware of impressions, confirmations of his general belief, that couldn’t have hit him all at once. This was particularly true with a phenomenon that had become quite common for him in the upper rooms, the unmistakable recognition—marked by a specific moment—of his return to his campaign after a strategic absence of three nights, during which he had deliberately stepped back. It showed that he was being followed, tracked from a distance, with the specific aim of making him feel less confident and arrogant about merely pursuing. It stressed him out, and eventually broke him down, as it proved to be, of all imaginable impressions, the one least compatible with his worldview. He was being watched while remaining fundamentally—regarding his true position—blind, and his only option was to make abrupt turns and quickly regain his footing. He turned around, retracing his steps, as if he might catch at least a whiff of the stirred air from some other quick change. It was indeed true that his completely dislocated thought about these movements reminded him of Pantaloon in a Christmas farce, getting buffeted and tricked from behind by the ever-present Harlequin; but it didn’t lessen the impact of the conditions themselves each time he faced them again, so that if he had allowed this connection to become constant, it would have only intensified his seriousness. He had intended, as I mentioned, to create a false sense of reprieve after his three absences; and the outcome of the third confirmed the lingering effect of the second.

On his return that night—the night succeeding his last intermission—he stood in the hall and looked up the staircase with a certainty more intimate than any he had yet known.  “He’s there, at the top, and waiting—not, as in general, falling back for disappearance.  He’s holding his ground, and it’s the first time—which is a proof, isn’t it? that something has happened for him.”  So Brydon argued with his hand on the banister and his foot on the lowest stair; in which position he felt as never before the air chilled by his logic.  He himself turned cold in it, for he seemed of a sudden to know what now was involved.  “Harder pressed?—yes, he takes it in, with its thus making clear to him that I’ve come, as they say, ‘to stay.’  He finally doesn’t like and can’t bear it, in the sense, I mean, that his wrath, his menaced interest, now balances with his dread.  I’ve hunted him till he has ‘turned’; that, up there, is what has happened—he’s the fanged or the antlered animal brought at last to bay.”  There came to him, as I say—but determined by an influence beyond my notation!—the acuteness of this certainty; under which however the next moment he had broken into a sweat that he would as little have consented to attribute to fear as he would have dared immediately to act upon it for enterprise.  It marked none the less a prodigious thrill, a thrill that represented sudden dismay, no doubt, but also represented, and with the selfsame throb, the strangest, the most joyous, possibly the next minute almost the proudest, duplication of consciousness.

On his return that night—the night after his last break—he stood in the hallway and looked up the staircase with a familiarity deeper than anything he had experienced before. “He’s there, at the top, waiting—not, as usual, retreating into the shadows. He’s holding his ground, and it’s the first time—which proves, right? that something has changed for him.” So Brydon reasoned with his hand on the banister and his foot on the bottom step; in this position, he felt for the first time the air weighed down by his thoughts. He felt cold in it, suddenly aware of what was at stake now. “Feeling more pressured?—yes, he’s taking it in, realizing clearly that I’ve come, as they say, ‘to stay.’ He finally dislikes and can’t tolerate it, in the sense that his anger, his threatened interests, now balance against his fear. I’ve chased him until he has ‘turned’; that up there is what’s happened—he’s the wounded or cornered animal finally brought to bay.” There came to him, as I mentioned—but influenced by something beyond my description!—the sharpness of this certainty; yet in the next moment, he found himself sweating, which he wouldn’t have attributed to fear any more than he would have dared to act on it impulsively. It still marked an incredible thrill, a thrill that represented sudden panic, no doubt, but also, with the same intensity, the strangest, most joyful, and possibly within the next moment, even the proudest, doubling of awareness.

“He has been dodging, retreating, hiding, but now, worked up to anger, he’ll fight!”—this intense impression made a single mouthful, as it were, of terror and applause.  But what was wondrous was that the applause, for the felt fact, was so eager, since, if it was his other self he was running to earth, this ineffable identity was thus in the last resort not unworthy of him.  It bristled there—somewhere near at hand, however unseen still—as the hunted thing, even as the trodden worm of the adage must at last bristle; and Brydon at this instant tasted probably of a sensation more complex than had ever before found itself consistent with sanity.  It was as if it would have shamed him that a character so associated with his own should triumphantly succeed in just skulking, should to the end not risk the open; so that the drop of this danger was, on the spot, a great lift of the whole situation.  Yet with another rare shift of the same subtlety he was already trying to measure by how much more he himself might now be in peril of fear; so rejoicing that he could, in another form, actively inspire that fear, and simultaneously quaking for the form in which he might passively know it.

“He has been dodging, retreating, hiding, but now, worked up to anger, he’ll fight!”—this intense feeling created a mix of terror and applause. What was amazing was how eager that applause was, since if he was chasing after his other self, this indescribable identity was ultimately not unworthy of him. It was right there—somewhere nearby, still unseen—like the hunted creature, just as the proverbial worm must eventually stand its ground; and Brydon, at that moment, experienced a sensation more complex than he had ever felt while staying sane. It almost shamed him that a character so linked to his own should just skulk away, avoiding risk until the end; so the weight of that danger became a great relief to the entire situation. Yet, with another rare shift in perception, he was already trying to measure how much more he might now be in danger of fear; feeling joyful that he could, in another way, actively provoke that fear, while at the same time trembling for the way he might passively experience it.

The apprehension of knowing it must after a little have grown in him, and the strangest moment of his adventure perhaps, the most memorable or really most interesting, afterwards, of his crisis, was the lapse of certain instants of concentrated conscious combat, the sense of a need to hold on to something, even after the manner of a man slipping and slipping on some awful incline; the vivid impulse, above all, to move, to act, to charge, somehow and upon something—to show himself, in a word, that he wasn’t afraid.  The state of “holding on” was thus the state to which he was momentarily reduced; if there had been anything, in the great vacancy, to seize, he would presently have been aware of having clutched it as he might under a shock at home have clutched the nearest chair-back.  He had been surprised at any rate—of this he was aware—into something unprecedented since his original appropriation of the place; he had closed his eyes, held them tight, for a long minute, as with that instinct of dismay and that terror of vision.  When he opened them the room, the other contiguous rooms, extraordinarily, seemed lighter—so light, almost, that at first he took the change for day.  He stood firm, however that might be, just where he had paused; his resistance had helped him—it was as if there were something he had tided over.  He knew after a little what this was—it had been in the imminent danger of flight.  He had stiffened his will against going; without this he would have made for the stairs, and it seemed to him that, still with his eyes closed, he would have descended them, would have known how, straight and swiftly, to the bottom.

The anxiety of knowing what was coming must have grown in him after a while, and the most bizarre moment of his adventure—perhaps the most memorable or really the most interesting part of his crisis—was the stretch of time when he was intensely aware of fighting against something, feeling the need to hold onto anything, similar to a man slipping down a steep slope. Above all, he felt a strong urge to move, to do something, to charge at something—to prove that he wasn't afraid. This state of “holding on” was the condition he found himself in; if there had been anything in the vast emptiness to grab onto, he would have realized he had clutched it, just like he might reach for the nearest chair when startled at home. He recognized that he was surprised—this he was aware of—by something unprecedented since he had first taken ownership of the place. He had closed his eyes tightly for a long minute, acting out of instinctive dread and fear of what he might see. When he opened them, the room and the connected rooms surprisingly appeared brighter—so bright, in fact, that for a moment he thought it was daytime. Still, he stood firm, as if he had paused; his determination had aided him—it felt like he had gotten through something tough. Soon, he understood what this was—it had to do with the imminent danger of running away. He had braced his will against leaving; without that, he would have made a beeline for the stairs, and he felt that, with his eyes still shut, he would have swiftly descended them, knowing exactly how to get to the bottom.

Well, as he had held out, here he was—still at the top, among the more intricate upper rooms and with the gauntlet of the others, of all the rest of the house, still to run when it should be his time to go.  He would go at his time—only at his time: didn’t he go every night very much at the same hour?  He took out his watch—there was light for that: it was scarcely a quarter past one, and he had never withdrawn so soon.  He reached his lodgings for the most part at two—with his walk of a quarter of an hour.  He would wait for the last quarter—he wouldn’t stir till then; and he kept his watch there with his eyes on it, reflecting while he held it that this deliberate wait, a wait with an effort, which he recognised, would serve perfectly for the attestation he desired to make.  It would prove his courage—unless indeed the latter might most be proved by his budging at last from his place.  What he mainly felt now was that, since he hadn’t originally scuttled, he had his dignities—which had never in his life seemed so many—all to preserve and to carry aloft.  This was before him in truth as a physical image, an image almost worthy of an age of greater romance.  That remark indeed glimmered for him only to glow the next instant with a finer light; since what age of romance, after all, could have matched either the state of his mind or, “objectively,” as they said, the wonder of his situation?  The only difference would have been that, brandishing his dignities over his head as in a parchment scroll, he might then—that is in the heroic time—have proceeded downstairs with a drawn sword in his other grasp.

Well, he had held out, and here he was—still at the top, among the more complex upper rooms, with the challenge of the others, of everyone else in the house, still ahead when it was his time to leave. He would leave on his own timetable—only when he was ready: didn’t he go every night at almost the same hour? He took out his watch—there was enough light for that: it was barely a quarter past one, and he had never left so early. He usually got back to his place by two, after a fifteen-minute walk. He would wait for the last quarter—he wouldn’t move until then; and he kept his watch in front of him, watching it, realizing as he held it that this deliberate wait, a wait that required effort, would serve perfectly for the statement he wanted to make. It would prove his courage—unless, of course, the latter could best be proven by him finally leaving his spot. What he mainly felt now was that, since he hadn’t originally bolted, he had his dignities—which had never seemed so numerous in his life—all to maintain and elevate. This was before him as a physical image, almost worthy of a time of greater romance. That thought indeed shimmered for him only to shine the next moment with an even brighter light; since what era of romance could match either the state of his mind or, “objectively,” as they put it, the wonder of his situation? The only difference would have been that, waving his dignities like a scroll above his head, he might then—in that heroic age—have headed downstairs with a drawn sword in his other hand.

At present, really, the light he had set down on the mantel of the next room would have to figure his sword; which utensil, in the course of a minute, he had taken the requisite number of steps to possess himself of.  The door between the rooms was open, and from the second another door opened to a third.  These rooms, as he remembered, gave all three upon a common corridor as well, but there was a fourth, beyond them, without issue save through the preceding.  To have moved, to have heard his step again, was appreciably a help; though even in recognising this he lingered once more a little by the chimney-piece on which his light had rested.  When he next moved, just hesitating where to turn, he found himself considering a circumstance that, after his first and comparatively vague apprehension of it, produced in him the start that often attends some pang of recollection, the violent shock of having ceased happily to forget.  He had come into sight of the door in which the brief chain of communication ended and which he now surveyed from the nearer threshold, the one not directly facing it.  Placed at some distance to the left of this point, it would have admitted him to the last room of the four, the room without other approach or egress, had it not, to his intimate conviction, been closed since his former visitation, the matter probably of a quarter of an hour before.  He stared with all his eyes at the wonder of the fact, arrested again where he stood and again holding his breath while he sounded his sense.  Surely it had been subsequently closed—that is it had been on his previous passage indubitably open!

Right now, the light he had placed on the mantel in the next room needed to represent his sword, which he had just taken the necessary steps to grab within the last minute. The door between the rooms was open, and from the second room, another door led to a third. As he remembered, all three rooms led to a shared corridor, but there was a fourth room beyond them that had no exit except through the previous ones. Just moving and hearing his footsteps again was noticeably helpful; although he realized this, he lingered a bit longer by the chimney where his light had been. When he moved again, hesitating on where to go next, he started to think about something that, after his initial and somewhat vague awareness of it, gave him the shock that often comes with suddenly remembering something painful, the jolt of having stopped happily forgetting. He had come into view of the door where the short chain of rooms ended, and he was now looking at it from the closer threshold, which wasn’t directly in front of it. Positioned some distance to the left, it would have led him into the last room of the four—the room with no other entrance or exit—if it hadn’t, in his firm belief, been closed since he last visited, probably about fifteen minutes ago. He stared intently at the wonder of the situation, frozen where he stood, holding his breath while he assessed his feelings. Surely it had been closed afterwards—that is, it had definitely been open during his previous visit!

He took it full in the face that something had happened between—that he couldn’t have noticed before (by which he meant on his original tour of all the rooms that evening) that such a barrier had exceptionally presented itself.  He had indeed since that moment undergone an agitation so extraordinary that it might have muddled for him any earlier view; and he tried to convince himself that he might perhaps then have gone into the room and, inadvertently, automatically, on coming out, have drawn the door after him.  The difficulty was that this exactly was what he never did; it was against his whole policy, as he might have said, the essence of which was to keep vistas clear.  He had them from the first, as he was well aware, quite on the brain: the strange apparition, at the far end of one of them, of his baffled “prey” (which had become by so sharp an irony so little the term now to apply!) was the form of success his imagination had most cherished, projecting into it always a refinement of beauty.  He had known fifty times the start of perception that had afterwards dropped; had fifty times gasped to himself.  “There!” under some fond brief hallucination.  The house, as the case stood, admirably lent itself; he might wonder at the taste, the native architecture of the particular time, which could rejoice so in the multiplication of doors—the opposite extreme to the modern, the actual almost complete proscription of them; but it had fairly contributed to provoke this obsession of the presence encountered telescopically, as he might say, focused and studied in diminishing perspective and as by a rest for the elbow.

He realized full-on that something had happened between them—that he hadn’t noticed before (referring to his earlier tour of all the rooms that evening) that such a barrier had unusually come up. Since that moment, he had experienced such extraordinary agitation that it might have muddled any previous thoughts he had; he tried to convince himself that maybe he had just gone into the room and, without thinking, had pulled the door shut behind him. The issue was that this was exactly what he never did; it was against his whole approach, as he might say, which was to keep pathways clear. He had them from the start, as he was well aware, firmly in mind: the strange figure at the far end of one of those paths, his confused “prey” (which was by such sharp irony now hardly the right term!), represented the success his imagination had cherished the most, always projecting a refinement of beauty into it. He had felt the thrill of recognition fifty times, only for it to fade away; had fifty times gasped to himself, “There!” under some fleeting illusion. The house, as it stood, was perfectly suited for this; he might marvel at the style, the native architecture of that particular era, which could take such pleasure in the abundance of doors—the complete opposite of the modern era, which nearly eliminates them; but it had certainly contributed to provoke this obsession with the presence encountered in a telescopic way, as he might say, focused and studied in diminishing perspective and as if there were a rest for the elbow.

It was with these considerations that his present attention was charged—they perfectly availed to make what he saw portentous.  He couldn’t, by any lapse, have blocked that aperture; and if he hadn’t, if it was unthinkable, why what else was clear but that there had been another agent?  Another agent?—he had been catching, as he felt, a moment back, the very breath of him; but when had he been so close as in this simple, this logical, this completely personal act?  It was so logical, that is, that one might have taken it for personal; yet for what did Brydon take it, he asked himself, while, softly panting, he felt his eyes almost leave their sockets.  Ah this time at last they were, the two, the opposed projections of him, in presence; and this time, as much as one would, the question of danger loomed.  With it rose, as not before, the question of courage—for what he knew the blank face of the door to say to him was “Show us how much you have!”  It stared, it glared back at him with that challenge; it put to him the two alternatives: should he just push it open or not?  Oh to have this consciousness was to think—and to think, Brydon knew, as he stood there, was, with the lapsing moments, not to have acted!  Not to have acted—that was the misery and the pang—was even still not to act; was in fact all to feel the thing in another, in a new and terrible way.  How long did he pause and how long did he debate?  There was presently nothing to measure it; for his vibration had already changed—as just by the effect of its intensity.  Shut up there, at bay, defiant, and with the prodigy of the thing palpably proveably done, thus giving notice like some stark signboard—under that accession of accent the situation itself had turned; and Brydon at last remarkably made up his mind on what it had turned to.

With these thoughts in mind, his current focus felt heavy—everything he saw seemed ominous. He couldn't have blocked that opening, and if he hadn't, then what else was clear except that there was another force at play? Another force?—he had just been sensing its presence; but when had he been this close during this simple, logical, and deeply personal act? It made so much sense that it could be seen as personal; yet what did Brydon truly believe it was, he wondered, while breathlessly feeling his eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. Ah, now for the first time, the two opposing sides of him were present; and this time, more than ever, the question of danger loomed. Along with it, the question of courage arose—for what the blank face of the door seemed to say to him was “Show us what you’ve got!” It stared, it glared at him with that challenge; it presented him with two options: should he just push it open or not? Oh, to have this awareness was to think—and to think, Brydon knew as he stood there, meant not acting! Not acting—that was the pain and the agony—was even still not acting; it was, in fact, everything about feeling this in someone else, in a new and terrifying way. How long did he hesitate and how long did he weigh his options? There was no way to measure it right now; for his tension had already shifted—just due to its intensity. Shut up there, at bay, defiant, and with the reality of the situation undeniably clear—under that weight of emphasis the situation itself had changed; and Brydon finally figured out what it had transformed into.

It had turned altogether to a different admonition; to a supreme hint, for him, of the value of Discretion!  This slowly dawned, no doubt—for it could take its time; so perfectly, on his threshold, had he been stayed, so little as yet had he either advanced or retreated.  It was the strangest of all things that now when, by his taking ten steps and applying his hand to a latch, or even his shoulder and his knee, if necessary, to a panel, all the hunger of his prime need might have been met, his high curiosity crowned, his unrest assuaged—it was amazing, but it was also exquisite and rare, that insistence should have, at a touch, quite dropped from him.  Discretion—he jumped at that; and yet not, verily, at such a pitch, because it saved his nerves or his skin, but because, much more valuably, it saved the situation.  When I say he “jumped” at it I feel the consonance of this term with the fact that—at the end indeed of I know not how long—he did move again, he crossed straight to the door.  He wouldn’t touch it—it seemed now that he might if he would: he would only just wait there a little, to show, to prove, that he wouldn’t.  He had thus another station, close to the thin partition by which revelation was denied him; but with his eyes bent and his hands held off in a mere intensity of stillness.  He listened as if there had been something to hear, but this attitude, while it lasted, was his own communication.  “If you won’t then—good: I spare you and I give up.  You affect me as by the appeal positively for pity: you convince me that for reasons rigid and sublime—what do I know?—we both of us should have suffered.  I respect them then, and, though moved and privileged as, I believe, it has never been given to man, I retire, I renounce—never, on my honour, to try again.  So rest for ever—and let me!”

It had completely transformed into a different reminder; a significant hint, for him, about the importance of Discretion! This realization took some time to dawn on him; he had been at a standstill for so long, having neither moved forward nor backward. It was the oddest thing that now, by simply taking ten steps and using his hand on a latch—or even his shoulder and knee, if needed—he could fulfill all his urgent needs, satisfy his intense curiosity, and calm his restlessness. It was astonishing, but also something exquisite and rare, that this desire should vanish at just a touch. Discretion—he embraced that; and yet not too intensely, because it spared his nerves or his skin, but because, even more importantly, it preserved the situation. When I say he “embraced” it, I mean it harmonizes with the fact that—after what seemed like an eternity—he did move again, directly toward the door. He wouldn’t touch it—it now appeared that he could if he wanted to: he would only wait there a bit longer, to show, to prove, that he wouldn’t. He had, therefore, another spot close to the thin barrier that kept him from revelation; but with his eyes lowered and his hands held off in an intense stillness. He listened as if there were something to hear, but this stance, while it lasted, was his own message. “If you won’t—fine: I’ll spare you and I give up. You affect me as if you’re pleading for compassion: you convince me that for reasons strict and profound—what do I know?—we both should have endured. I respect those reasons, and even though I’m moved and feel privileged in a way that I believe has never been given to anyone, I step back, I renounce—never, on my honor, to try again. So rest forever—and let me!”

That, for Brydon, was the deep sense of this last demonstration—solemn, measured, directed, as he felt it to be.  He brought it to a close, he turned away; and now verily he knew how deeply he had been stirred.  He retraced his steps, taking up his candle, burnt, he observed, well-nigh to the socket, and marking again, lighten it as he would, the distinctness of his footfall; after which, in a moment, he knew himself at the other side of the house.  He did here what he had not yet done at these hours—he opened half a casement, one of those in the front, and let in the air of the night; a thing he would have taken at any time previous for a sharp rupture of his spell.  His spell was broken now, and it didn’t matter—broken by his concession and his surrender, which made it idle henceforth that he should ever come back.  The empty street—its other life so marked even by great lamp-lit vacancy—was within call, within touch; he stayed there as to be in it again, high above it though he was still perched; he watched as for some comforting common fact, some vulgar human note, the passage of a scavenger or a thief, some night-bird however base.  He would have blessed that sign of life; he would have welcomed positively the slow approach of his friend the policeman, whom he had hitherto only sought to avoid, and was not sure that if the patrol had come into sight he mightn’t have felt the impulse to get into relation with it, to hail it, on some pretext, from his fourth floor.

For Brydon, this final demonstration felt incredibly significant—serious, measured, and purposeful, as he perceived it. He wrapped it up and turned away, now fully aware of how deeply he had been affected. He retraced his steps, picking up his candle, which he noticed was almost burnt down to the socket, and once again noticed the distinct sound of his footsteps. Moments later, he found himself on the other side of the house. Here, he did something he hadn’t done yet at this hour—he opened one of the front windows and let in the night air; something he would have previously thought would shatter his spell. But his spell was already broken now, and it didn’t matter—broken by his acceptance and surrender, making it pointless for him to return. The empty street—its other existence starkly defined by the bright, lit void—was within reach, close enough to touch; he lingered there as if to step back into it, even though he remained high above it. He waited for some reassuring sign of life, some ordinary human presence, like the passage of a street cleaner or a thief, or any night creature, no matter how lowly. He would have welcomed that sign of life; he would have gladly anticipated the slow approach of his friend the policeman, whom he had previously tried to avoid, and he wasn’t sure if he would have felt the urge to connect with it, calling out on some pretext from his fourth-floor window.

The pretext that wouldn’t have been too silly or too compromising, the explanation that would have saved his dignity and kept his name, in such a case, out of the papers, was not definite to him: he was so occupied with the thought of recording his Discretion—as an effect of the vow he had just uttered to his intimate adversary—that the importance of this loomed large and something had overtaken all ironically his sense of proportion.  If there had been a ladder applied to the front of the house, even one of the vertiginous perpendiculars employed by painters and roofers and sometimes left standing overnight, he would have managed somehow, astride of the window-sill, to compass by outstretched leg and arm that mode of descent.  If there had been some such uncanny thing as he had found in his room at hotels, a workable fire-escape in the form of notched cable or a canvas shoot, he would have availed himself of it as a proof—well, of his present delicacy.  He nursed that sentiment, as the question stood, a little in vain, and even—at the end of he scarce knew, once more, how long—found it, as by the action on his mind of the failure of response of the outer world, sinking back to vague anguish.  It seemed to him he had waited an age for some stir of the great grim hush; the life of the town was itself under a spell—so unnaturally, up and down the whole prospect of known and rather ugly objects, the blankness and the silence lasted.  Had they ever, he asked himself, the hard-faced houses, which had begun to look livid in the dim dawn, had they ever spoken so little to any need of his spirit?  Great builded voids, great crowded stillnesses put on, often, in the heart of cities, for the small hours, a sort of sinister mask, and it was of this large collective negation that Brydon presently became conscious—all the more that the break of day was, almost incredibly, now at hand, proving to him what a night he had made of it.

The excuse that wouldn’t have seemed too silly or compromising, the explanation that would have saved his dignity and kept his name out of the news, wasn’t clear to him: he was so caught up in the thought of proving his discretion—as a result of the vow he had just made to his close rival—that it overshadowed everything, and somehow his sense of proportion had slipped away. If there had been a ladder leaning against the front of the house, even one of those steep ones used by painters and roofers, which sometimes got left up overnight, he would have figured out a way to balance himself on the window sill and use his outstretched leg and arm to climb down. If there had been something like the odd contraptions he found in hotel rooms, a functional fire escape like a notched cable or a canvas slide, he would have used it as proof—well, of his current fastidiousness. He held onto that feeling, even if it was a bit in vain, and after what felt like a long time, he realized, due to the lack of response from the outside world, that it was fading back into vague unease. It felt like he had waited forever for any sign of life in the heavy silence; the town itself seemed enchanted—so unnaturally, across the whole view of familiar but rather ugly sights, the emptiness and silence persisted. He wondered if those stark-faced houses, which were starting to look pale in the dim dawn, had ever felt so unresponsive to any need of his spirit. Huge empty spaces, immense crowded stillnesses often took on a kind of sinister mask in the heart of cities during the early hours, and it was this large collective absence that Brydon became aware of—especially since dawn was almost unbelievably approaching, showing him just how tumultuous his night had been.

He looked again at his watch, saw what had become of his time-values (he had taken hours for minutes—not, as in other tense situations, minutes for hours) and the strange air of the streets was but the weak, the sullen flush of a dawn in which everything was still locked up.  His choked appeal from his own open window had been the sole note of life, and he could but break off at last as for a worse despair.  Yet while so deeply demoralised he was capable again of an impulse denoting—at least by his present measure—extraordinary resolution; of retracing his steps to the spot where he had turned cold with the extinction of his last pulse of doubt as to there being in the place another presence than his own.  This required an effort strong enough to sicken him; but he had his reason, which over-mastered for the moment everything else.  There was the whole of the rest of the house to traverse, and how should he screw himself to that if the door he had seen closed were at present open?  He could hold to the idea that the closing had practically been for him an act of mercy, a chance offered him to descend, depart, get off the ground and never again profane it.  This conception held together, it worked; but what it meant for him depended now clearly on the amount of forbearance his recent action, or rather his recent inaction, had engendered.  The image of the “presence” whatever it was, waiting there for him to go—this image had not yet been so concrete for his nerves as when he stopped short of the point at which certainty would have come to him.  For, with all his resolution, or more exactly with all his dread, he did stop short—he hung back from really seeing.  The risk was too great and his fear too definite: it took at this moment an awful specific form.

He checked his watch again and realized how he had misjudged time (he had spent hours thinking they were just minutes—not like in other stressful situations where he felt minutes stretched into hours). The unusual atmosphere of the streets was merely the dim, gloomy light of a dawn when everything was still closed off. His desperate call from his own open window had been the only sign of life, and he could only give up, falling into a deeper despair. Yet, despite feeling so beaten down, he still felt a surge of determination—at least by his current standards—that pushed him to go back to the place where he had first felt the chill of doubt about whether he was alone. This took a monumental effort that almost made him sick, but he had his reasons, which for now overshadowed everything else. He had the entire rest of the house to get through, and how could he motivate himself to do that if the door he saw closed was actually open now? He convinced himself that the door closing had been an act of mercy, a chance for him to leave, escape, and never come back. This idea made sense and worked for him, but what it meant depended on how much patience his recent choices—or rather his lack of choices—had caused. The thought of the "presence," whatever it was, waiting for him to leave hadn’t been as vivid for him until he hesitated at the point where he could have known for sure. Because, despite all his resolve, or more accurately his fear, he did hold back—he avoided truly seeing. The risk felt too high and his fear too real; in that moment, it took on an awful and specific shape.

He knew—yes, as he had never known anything—that, should he see the door open, it would all too abjectly be the end of him.  It would mean that the agent of his shame—for his shame was the deep abjection—was once more at large and in general possession; and what glared him thus in the face was the act that this would determine for him.  It would send him straight about to the window he had left open, and by that window, be long ladder and dangling rope as absent as they would, he saw himself uncontrollably insanely fatally take his way to the street.  The hideous chance of this he at least could avert; but he could only avert it by recoiling in time from assurance.  He had the whole house to deal with, this fact was still there; only he now knew that uncertainty alone could start him.  He stole back from where he had checked himself—merely to do so was suddenly like safety—and, making blindly for the greater staircase, left gaping rooms and sounding passages behind.  Here was the top of the stairs, with a fine large dim descent and three spacious landings to mark off.  His instinct was all for mildness, but his feet were harsh on the floors, and, strangely, when he had in a couple of minutes become aware of this, it counted somehow for help.  He couldn’t have spoken, the tone of his voice would have scared him, and the common conceit or resource of “whistling in the dark” (whether literally or figuratively) have appeared basely vulgar; yet he liked none the less to hear himself go, and when he had reached his first landing—taking it all with no rush, but quite steadily—that stage of success drew from him a gasp of relief.

He knew—yes, as he had never known anything—that, if he saw the door open, it would be the end of him. It would mean that the source of his shame—for his shame was profound—was once again free and in control; and what stared him in the face was the outcome this would lead to. It would make him head straight back to the window he had left open, and he envisioned himself, no matter how much the long ladder and dangling rope felt absent, uncontrollably and fatally heading to the street. He could at least prevent that grotesque possibility, but he could only do so by pulling back from certainty. He had the entire house to consider, and that fact was still there; he now understood that only uncertainty could push him forward. He stealthily returned from where he had hesitated—simply doing so felt like safety—and, blindly making his way towards the larger staircase, he left empty rooms and echoing hallways behind. Here was the top of the stairs, with a spacious, dim descent and three wide landings to distinguish. His instinct called for gentleness, but his feet thudded on the floors, and, oddly, when he became aware of this after a couple of minutes, it somehow felt like a form of help. He couldn't have spoken; the sound of his voice would have frightened him, and the common idea or trick of “whistling in the dark” (whether literally or figuratively) would have seemed crude; yet he still liked hearing himself move, and when he reached his first landing—taking it slowly and steadily—that moment of success drew a gasp of relief from him.

The house, withal, seemed immense, the scale of space again inordinate; the open rooms, to no one of which his eyes deflected, gloomed in their shuttered state like mouths of caverns; only the high skylight that formed the crown of the deep well created for him a medium in which he could advance, but which might have been, for queerness of colour, some watery under-world.  He tried to think of something noble, as that his property was really grand, a splendid possession; but this nobleness took the form too of the clear delight with which he was finally to sacrifice it.  They might come in now, the builders, the destroyers—they might come as soon as they would.  At the end of two flights he had dropped to another zone, and from the middle of the third, with only one more left, he recognised the influence of the lower windows, of half-drawn blinds, of the occasional gleam of street-lamps, of the glazed spaces of the vestibule.  This was the bottom of the sea, which showed an illumination of its own and which he even saw paved—when at a given moment he drew up to sink a long look over the banisters—with the marble squares of his childhood.  By that time indubitably he felt, as he might have said in a commoner cause, better; it had allowed him to stop and draw breath, and the case increased with the sight of the old black-and-white slabs.  But what he most felt was that now surely, with the element of impunity pulling him as by hard firm hands, the case was settled for what he might have seen above had he dared that last look.  The closed door, blessedly remote now, was still closed—and he had only in short to reach that of the house.

The house, however, felt huge, the scale of the space again overwhelming; the open rooms, none of which caught his attention, darkened in their shuttered state like the mouths of caves; only the high skylight that topped the deep well provided him with a way to move forward, but it might have belonged to some strange underwater world due to the weird colors. He tried to think of something noble, like how his property was truly grand, a magnificent possession; but this nobility also took the form of the pure joy he felt at the thought of finally letting it go. The builders, the destroyers, could come in anytime—they could come whenever they wanted. After two flights of stairs, he had descended to another level, and from the middle of the third, with only one more to go, he noticed the effect of the lower windows, the half-drawn blinds, the occasional flicker of streetlights, and the glassy areas of the entrance. This was like the bottom of the sea, giving off its own light and even seeming paved—when, at one point, he paused to take a long look over the banister—with the marble tiles of his childhood. By then, he definitely felt, as he might have said in simpler terms, better; it had allowed him to pause and catch his breath, and his spirits lifted with the sight of the old black-and-white tiles. But what he felt most was that now, with the sense of safety pulling him like strong hands, the situation was settled for what he might have seen above had he dared to take that last look. The door, happily distant now, remained closed—and he just needed to reach the door of the house.

He came down further, he crossed the passage forming the access to the last flight and if here again he stopped an instant it was almost for the sharpness of the thrill of assured escape.  It made him shut his eyes—which opened again to the straight slope of the remainder of the stairs.  Here was impunity still, but impunity almost excessive; inasmuch as the side-lights and the high fantracery of the entrance were glimmering straight into the hall; an appearance produced, he the next instant saw, by the fact that the vestibule gaped wide, that the hinged halves of the inner door had been thrown far back.  Out of that again the question sprang at him, making his eyes, as he felt, half-start from his head, as they had done, at the top of the house, before the sign of the other door.  If he had left that one open, hadn’t he left this one closed, and wasn’t he now in most immediate presence of some inconceivable occult activity?  It was as sharp, the question, as a knife in his side, but the answer hung fire still and seemed to lose itself in the vague darkness to which the thin admitted dawn, glimmering archwise over the whole outer door, made a semicircular margin, a cold silvery nimbus that seemed to play a little as he looked—to shift and expand and contract.

He went down further, crossing the passage that led to the last flight of stairs. If he paused for a moment here, it was mainly to savor the thrill of certain escape. It made him shut his eyes, which opened again to the straight slope of the remaining stairs. Here was safety still, but it felt almost excessive; the side-lights and the detailed design of the entrance were shining directly into the hall. He realized this was because the vestibule gaped wide, with the hinged halves of the inner door thrown back. Suddenly, the question hit him, making his eyes feel like they were about to pop out, just like they had at the top of the house, before the other door. If he had left that one open, hadn’t he closed this one, and wasn’t he now facing some unimaginable secret activity? The question pierced him like a knife, but the answer was still lingering and seemed to get lost in the dim darkness, which the thin morning light, arching over the whole outer door, created a semicircular outline— a cold, silvery halo that seemed to shift and move as he looked.

It was as if there had been something within it, protected by indistinctness and corresponding in extent with the opaque surface behind, the painted panels of the last barrier to his escape, of which the key was in his pocket.  The indistinctness mocked him even while he stared, affected him as somehow shrouding or challenging certitude, so that after faltering an instant on his step he let himself go with the sense that here was at last something to meet, to touch, to take, to know—something all unnatural and dreadful, but to advance upon which was the condition for him either of liberation or of supreme defeat.  The penumbra, dense and dark, was the virtual screen of a figure which stood in it as still as some image erect in a niche or as some black-vizored sentinel guarding a treasure.  Brydon was to know afterwards, was to recall and make out, the particular thing he had believed during the rest of his descent.  He saw, in its great grey glimmering margin, the central vagueness diminish, and he felt it to be taking the very form toward which, for so many days, the passion of his curiosity had yearned.  It gloomed, it loomed, it was something, it was somebody, the prodigy of a personal presence.

It was as if something was hidden within it, obscured by blur and matching the opaque surface behind it, the painted panels of the final barrier to his freedom, the key to which was in his pocket. The blur mocked him even as he stared, affecting him as if it were somehow hiding or challenging certainty, so that after hesitating for a moment in his step, he finally gave in, feeling that here was something to confront, to touch, to grasp, to understand—something entirely unnatural and terrifying, but moving towards it was essential for him to either be freed or face total defeat. The shadow, thick and dark, was like a virtual screen for a figure standing in it, as still as a statue in a niche or a black-masked guard protecting a treasure. Brydon would later remember and make sense of the specific thing he believed during the rest of his descent. He saw, in its vast grey shimmering edge, the central vagueness shrink, and he sensed it forming into the very shape his curiosity had longed for over many days. It darkened, it loomed, it was something, it was someone, the wonder of a personal presence.

Rigid and conscious, spectral yet human, a man of his own substance and stature waited there to measure himself with his power to dismay.  This only could it be—this only till he recognised, with his advance, that what made the face dim was the pair of raised hands that covered it and in which, so far from being offered in defiance, it was buried, as for dark deprecation.  So Brydon, before him, took him in; with every fact of him now, in the higher light, hard and acute—his planted stillness, his vivid truth, his grizzled bent head and white masking hands, his queer actuality of evening-dress, of dangling double eye-glass, of gleaming silk lappet and white linen, of pearl button and gold watch-guard and polished shoe.  No portrait by a great modern master could have presented him with more intensity, thrust him out of his frame with more art, as if there had been “treatment,” of the consummate sort, in his every shade and salience.  The revulsion, for our friend, had become, before he knew it, immense—this drop, in the act of apprehension, to the sense of his adversary’s inscrutable manoeuvre.  That meaning at least, while he gaped, it offered him; for he could but gape at his other self in this other anguish, gape as a proof that he, standing there for the achieved, the enjoyed, the triumphant life, couldn’t be faced in his triumph.  Wasn’t the proof in the splendid covering hands, strong and completely spread?—so spread and so intentional that, in spite of a special verity that surpassed every other, the fact that one of these hands had lost two fingers, which were reduced to stumps, as if accidentally shot away, the face was effectually guarded and saved.

Rigid and self-aware, ghostly yet human, a man of his own substance and stature stood there, ready to measure himself against his ability to intimidate. It could only be this way—only until he realized, as he moved forward, that what obscured the face was the pair of raised hands covering it, hands that, far from being presented in defiance, were buried there in a gesture of dark disapproval. So Brydon, standing before him, took him in; every detail now revealed in the brighter light was sharp and striking—his poised stillness, his vibrant honesty, his grizzled bent head and white-gloved hands, his odd get-up of evening dress, dangling monocle, gleaming silk lapel, white linen, pearl buttons, gold watch chain, and polished shoes. No portrait by a great modern artist could have depicted him more vividly, pulling him out of his frame with more skill, as if every shade and highlight had been meticulously treated. The shock for our friend had become, before he realized it, overwhelming—this drop in perception, in understanding the inscrutable strategy of his opponent. At least that meaning was offered to him while he stood there, stunned; he could only stare at his other self in this different pain, staring as evidence that he, standing there for the accomplished, the relished, the victorious life, couldn’t be confronted in his victory. Wasn’t the evidence in the magnificent covering hands, strong and completely spread?—so spread and so deliberate that, in spite of a special reality that exceeded all others, the fact that one of those hands had lost two fingers, which were reduced to stumps as if accidentally shot off, meant that the face was effectively protected and preserved.

“Saved,” though, would it be?—Brydon breathed his wonder till the very impunity of his attitude and the very insistence of his eyes produced, as he felt, a sudden stir which showed the next instant as a deeper portent, while the head raised itself, the betrayal of a braver purpose.  The hands, as he looked, began to move, to open; then, as if deciding in a flash, dropped from the face and left it uncovered and presented.  Horror, with the sight, had leaped into Brydon’s throat, gasping there in a sound he couldn’t utter; for the bared identity was too hideous as his, and his glare was the passion of his protest.  The face, that face, Spencer Brydon’s?—he searched it still, but looking away from it in dismay and denial, falling straight from his height of sublimity.  It was unknown, inconceivable, awful, disconnected from any possibility!—He had been “sold,” he inwardly moaned, stalking such game as this: the presence before him was a presence, the horror within him a horror, but the waste of his nights had been only grotesque and the success of his adventure an irony.  Such an identity fitted his at no point, made its alternative monstrous.  A thousand times yes, as it came upon him nearer now, the face was the face of a stranger.  It came upon him nearer now, quite as one of those expanding fantastic images projected by the magic lantern of childhood; for the stranger, whoever he might be, evil, odious, blatant, vulgar, had advanced as for aggression, and he knew himself give ground.  Then harder pressed still, sick with the force of his shock, and falling back as under the hot breath and the roused passion of a life larger than his own, a rage of personality before which his own collapsed, he felt the whole vision turn to darkness and his very feet give way.  His head went round; he was going; he had gone.

“Saved,” would it be?—Brydon breathed in wonder as the sheer boldness of his stance and the intensity of his gaze created, as he felt, a sudden shift that quickly revealed a deeper significance, as the head lifted, betraying a bolder intent. The hands, as he watched, began to move and open; then, as if making a quick decision, fell away from the face, leaving it exposed and presented. Horror surged into Brydon’s throat, choking him with a sound he couldn't make; for the revealed identity was too horrific as his, and his glare expressed his deep protest. The face, that face, Spencer Brydon’s?—he continued to search it, but then looked away in dismay and denial, falling from his previous height of understanding. It was unknown, unimaginable, terrifying, cut off from any possibility!—He inwardly lamented that he had been “tricked,” pursuing such prey; the presence before him was real, the horror within him was genuine, but the waste of his nights had been merely grotesque, and his adventure's outcome was ironic. Such an identity fitted him at no point, making its alternative monstrous. A thousand times yes, as it approached him now, the face was that of a stranger. It came closer now, like one of those expanding, fantastical images projected by the magic lantern of his childhood; for the stranger, who he might be—evil, detestable, blatant, vulgar—had advanced as if to attack, and he felt himself retreating. Then, pressed even harder, sick with shock, and backing away as under the hot breath and awakened passion of a life larger than his own, a rage of personality that caused his own to crumble, he perceived the entire vision fade to darkness, and his very feet gave way. His head spun; he was going; he had gone.

CHAPTER III

What had next brought him back, clearly—though after how long?—was Mrs. Muldoon’s voice, coming to him from quite near, from so near that he seemed presently to see her as kneeling on the ground before him while he lay looking up at her; himself not wholly on the ground, but half-raised and upheld—conscious, yes, of tenderness of support and, more particularly, of a head pillowed in extraordinary softness and faintly refreshing fragrance.  He considered, he wondered, his wit but half at his service; then another face intervened, bending more directly over him, and he finally knew that Alice Staverton had made her lap an ample and perfect cushion to him, and that she had to this end seated herself on the lowest degree of the staircase, the rest of his long person remaining stretched on his old black-and-white slabs.  They were cold, these marble squares of his youth; but he somehow was not, in this rich return of consciousness—the most wonderful hour, little by little, that he had ever known, leaving him, as it did, so gratefully, so abysmally passive, and yet as with a treasure of intelligence waiting all round him for quiet appropriation; dissolved, he might call it, in the air of the place and producing the golden glow of a late autumn afternoon.  He had come back, yes—come back from further away than any man but himself had ever travelled; but it was strange how with this sense what he had come back to seemed really the great thing, and as if his prodigious journey had been all for the sake of it.  Slowly but surely his consciousness grew, his vision of his state thus completing itself; he had been miraculously carried back—lifted and carefully borne as from where he had been picked up, the uttermost end of an interminable grey passage.  Even with this he was suffered to rest, and what had now brought him to knowledge was the break in the long mild motion.

What clearly brought him back—though how long had it been?—was Mrs. Muldoon’s voice, coming to him from nearby, so close that he felt like he could see her kneeling in front of him while he lay looking up at her; he was not entirely on the ground, but half-raised and supported—aware, yes, of a comforting support and, more specifically, of a head resting on him with an unusual softness and faintly refreshing scent. He thought about it, he wondered, his mind only partially engaged; then another face came into view, leaning down over him, and he realized that Alice Staverton had turned her lap into a soft and perfect cushion for him, sitting on the lowest step of the staircase while the rest of his long body remained sprawled on the cold black-and-white tiles. These marble squares from his youth were chilly, but he did not feel cold in this rich return to consciousness—the most wonderful hour he had ever experienced, leaving him feeling so gratefully, so completely passive, yet surrounded by a treasure of insight waiting for peaceful acceptance; he felt dissolved in the atmosphere of the place, producing the golden glow of a late autumn afternoon. He had returned, yes—come back from further than any man but himself had ever travelled; but it was strange how what he had come back to seemed really the significant thing, as if his incredible journey had been all for this reason. Slowly but surely, his awareness expanded, his understanding of his situation becoming complete; he had been miraculously carried back—lifted and gently brought from where he had been gathered, the farthest end of an endless grey passage. Even with this, he was allowed to rest, and it was the interruption of the long gentle movement that finally brought him to awareness.

It had brought him to knowledge, to knowledge—yes, this was the beauty of his state; which came to resemble more and more that of a man who has gone to sleep on some news of a great inheritance, and then, after dreaming it away, after profaning it with matters strange to it, has waked up again to serenity of certitude and has only to lie and watch it grow.  This was the drift of his patience—that he had only to let it shine on him.  He must moreover, with intermissions, still have been lifted and borne; since why and how else should he have known himself, later on, with the afternoon glow intenser, no longer at the foot of his stairs—situated as these now seemed at that dark other end of his tunnel—but on a deep window-bench of his high saloon, over which had been spread, couch-fashion, a mantle of soft stuff lined with grey fur that was familiar to his eyes and that one of his hands kept fondly feeling as for its pledge of truth.  Mrs. Muldoon’s face had gone, but the other, the second he had recognised, hung over him in a way that showed how he was still propped and pillowed.  He took it all in, and the more he took it the more it seemed to suffice: he was as much at peace as if he had had food and drink.  It was the two women who had found him, on Mrs. Muldoon’s having plied, at her usual hour, her latch-key—and on her having above all arrived while Miss Staverton still lingered near the house.  She had been turning away, all anxiety, from worrying the vain bell-handle—her calculation having been of the hour of the good woman’s visit; but the latter, blessedly, had come up while she was still there, and they had entered together.  He had then lain, beyond the vestibule, very much as he was lying now—quite, that is, as he appeared to have fallen, but all so wondrously without bruise or gash; only in a depth of stupor.  What he most took in, however, at present, with the steadier clearance, was that Alice Staverton had for a long unspeakable moment not doubted he was dead.

It had brought him to understanding, to understanding—yes, this was the beauty of his situation. It increasingly resembled that of a man who has dozed off after hearing about a great inheritance, and then, after dreaming it away, after tainting it with unrelated matters, wakes up to a calm certainty and just has to lie back and watch it grow. This was the essence of his patience—that all he had to do was let it shine on him. Moreover, with breaks, he must have been lifted and supported; otherwise, why and how would he have known himself, later on, with the afternoon light brighter, no longer at the foot of his stairs— positioned as they now seemed at that dark end of his tunnel—but on a deep window seat in his grand living room, over which was spread, like a couch, a soft mantle lined with gray fur that was familiar to him and that one of his hands kept gently feeling as a reminder of reality. Mrs. Muldoon’s face had vanished, but the other, the second person he recognized, hovered above him in a way that indicated how he was still being supported and cushioned. He absorbed it all, and the more he took in, the more it seemed to satisfy him: he felt as at peace as if he had eaten and drunk. It was these two women who had found him, as Mrs. Muldoon had used her latchkey at her usual hour—and especially since she had arrived while Miss Staverton was still nearby. She had been turning away, worried and anxious, from relentlessly pressing the useless doorbell—her timing based on when the good woman typically visited; but fortunately, Mrs. Muldoon had come up while she was still there, and they had entered together. He had then been lying, beyond the vestibule, much as he was now—quite as if he had fallen, but miraculously without any bruises or cuts; only in a state of deep stupor. What he primarily absorbed, however, at this moment, with clearer awareness, was that Alice Staverton had for a long, unutterable moment not doubted that he was dead.

“It must have been that I was.”  He made it out as she held him.  “Yes—I can only have died.  You brought me literally to life.  Only,” he wondered, his eyes rising to her, “only, in the name of all the benedictions, how?”

“It must have been that I was.” He realized this as she held him. “Yes—I can only have died. You literally brought me back to life. But,” he wondered, looking up at her, “but, with all due respect, how?”

It took her but an instant to bend her face and kiss him, and something in the manner of it, and in the way her hands clasped and locked his head while he felt the cool charity and virtue of her lips, something in all this beatitude somehow answered everything.

It took her just a moment to lower her face and kiss him, and something in the way she did it, along with how her hands held and secured his head while he felt the cool kindness and goodness of her lips, something in this joyfully seemed to address everything.

“And now I keep you,” she said.

“And now I have you,” she said.

“Oh keep me, keep me!” he pleaded while her face still hung over him: in response to which it dropped again and stayed close, clingingly close.  It was the seal of their situation—of which he tasted the impress for a long blissful moment in silence.  But he came back.  “Yet how did you know—?”

“Oh, please keep me, keep me!” he begged as her face hovered above him. In response, it dropped down again and remained close, so very close. It was the mark of their situation—one he savored for a long, blissful moment in silence. But then he returned to the conversation. “But how did you know—?”

“I was uneasy.  You were to have come, you remember—and you had sent no word.”

“I felt anxious. You were supposed to come, remember? And you didn’t send any message.”

“Yes, I remember—I was to have gone to you at one to-day.”  It caught on to their “old” life and relation—which were so near and so far.  “I was still out there in my strange darkness—where was it, what was it?  I must have stayed there so long.”  He could but wonder at the depth and the duration of his swoon.

“Yes, I remember—I was supposed to come to you at one today.” It connected to their “old” life and relationship—which felt so close yet so distant. “I was still out there in my strange darkness—where was it, what was it? I must have been there for so long.” He could only marvel at the depth and length of his unconsciousness.

“Since last night?” she asked with a shade of fear for her possible indiscretion.

“Since last night?” she asked, a hint of fear creeping in about her possible mistake.

“Since this morning—it must have been: the cold dim dawn of to-day.  Where have I been,” he vaguely wailed, “where have I been?”  He felt her hold him close, and it was as if this helped him now to make in all security his mild moan.  “What a long dark day!”

“Since this morning—it must have been: the cold dim dawn of today. Where have I been,” he vaguely lamented, “where have I been?” He felt her holding him close, and it seemed to give him the comfort he needed to softly moan. “What a long dark day!”

All in her tenderness she had waited a moment.  “In the cold dim dawn?” she quavered.

All in her tenderness, she waited a moment. “In the cold, dim dawn?” she trembled.

But he had already gone on piecing together the parts of the whole prodigy.  “As I didn’t turn up you came straight—?”

But he had already started putting together the pieces of the whole mystery. “Since I didn’t show up, you came right here—?”

She barely cast about.  “I went first to your hotel—where they told me of your absence.  You had dined out last evening and hadn’t been back since.  But they appeared to know you had been at your club.”

She hardly looked around. “I first went to your hotel—where they told me you weren’t there. You had dinner out last night and hadn’t returned since. But they seemed to know you had been at your club.”

“So you had the idea of this—?”

“So you thought of this—?”

“Of what?” she asked in a moment.

“About what?” she asked after a moment.

“Well—of what has happened.”

"Well—about what has happened."

“I believed at least you’d have been here.  I’ve known, all along,” she said, “that you’ve been coming.”

“I thought for sure you’d be here. I’ve known all along,” she said, “that you’d be coming.”

“‘Known’ it—?”

“‘Know’ it—?”

“Well, I’ve believed it.  I said nothing to you after that talk we had a month ago—but I felt sure.  I knew you would,” she declared.

"Well, I believed it. I didn't say anything to you after our conversation a month ago—but I was certain. I knew you would," she stated.

“That I’d persist, you mean?”

“Are you saying I’d persist?”

“That you’d see him.”

"That you'd see him."

“Ah but I didn’t!” cried Brydon with his long wail.  “There’s somebody—an awful beast; whom I brought, too horribly, to bay.  But it’s not me.”

“Ah but I didn’t!” Brydon cried with a long wail. “There’s someone—an awful beast—that I brought, too horribly, to bay. But it’s not me.”

At this she bent over him again, and her eyes were in his eyes.  “No—it’s not you.”  And it was as if, while her face hovered, he might have made out in it, hadn’t it been so near, some particular meaning blurred by a smile.  “No, thank heaven,” she repeated, “it’s not you!  Of course it wasn’t to have been.”

At this, she leaned over him again, and her eyes met his. “No—it’s not you.” And it felt like, while her face was so close, he might have sensed some specific meaning in it, if it weren’t for that smile. “No, thank goodness,” she repeated, “it’s not you! It definitely wasn’t supposed to be.”

“Ah but it was,” he gently insisted.  And he stared before him now as he had been staring for so many weeks.  “I was to have known myself.”

“Ah but it was,” he gently insisted. And he stared ahead now as he had been staring for so many weeks. “I was supposed to have known myself.”

“You couldn’t!” she returned consolingly.  And then reverting, and as if to account further for what she had herself done, “But it wasn’t only that, that you hadn’t been at home,” she went on.  “I waited till the hour at which we had found Mrs. Muldoon that day of my going with you; and she arrived, as I’ve told you, while, failing to bring any one to the door, I lingered in my despair on the steps.  After a little, if she hadn’t come, by such a mercy, I should have found means to hunt her up.  But it wasn’t,” said Alice Staverton, as if once more with her fine intentions—“it wasn’t only that.”

“You couldn’t!” she replied comfortingly. Then, shifting her focus and trying to explain her own actions, “But it wasn’t just that, that you weren’t at home,” she continued. “I waited until the time when we had found Mrs. Muldoon that day I was with you; and she showed up, as I mentioned, while I lingered in my despair on the steps, failing to bring anyone to the door. After a bit, if she hadn’t come, luckily, I would have found a way to track her down. But it wasn’t,” Alice Staverton said, as if once again with her good intentions—“it wasn’t just that.”

His eyes, as he lay, turned back to her.  “What more then?”

His eyes, while he lay there, turned back to her. “What more then?”

She met it, the wonder she had stirred.  “In the cold dim dawn, you say?  Well, in the cold dim dawn of this morning I too saw you.”

She faced it, the awe she had created. “In the chilly, dim morning, you say? Well, in the chilly, dim morning of today, I also saw you.”

“Saw me—?”

"Saw me?"

“Saw him,” said Alice Staverton.  “It must have been at the same moment.”

“Saw him,” said Alice Staverton. “It must have happened at the same time.”

He lay an instant taking it in—as if he wished to be quite reasonable.  “At the same moment?”

He paused for a moment to process it—as if he wanted to be completely rational. “At the same moment?”

“Yes—in my dream again, the same one I’ve named to you.  He came back to me.  Then I knew it for a sign.  He had come to you.”

“Yes—in my dream again, the same one I told you about. He came back to me. Then I recognized it as a sign. He had come to you.”

At this Brydon raised himself; he had to see her better.  She helped him when she understood his movement, and he sat up, steadying himself beside her there on the window-bench and with his right hand grasping her left.  “He didn’t come to me.”

At this, Brydon lifted himself up; he needed to see her more clearly. She assisted him when she realized what he was doing, and he sat up, steadying himself next to her on the window seat, with his right hand holding her left. “*He* didn’t come to me.”

“You came to yourself,” she beautifully smiled.

"You found yourself," she smiled warmly.

“Ah I’ve come to myself now—thanks to you, dearest.  But this brute, with his awful face—this brute’s a black stranger.  He’s none of me, even as I might have been,” Brydon sturdily declared.

“Ah, I’ve come back to my senses now—thanks to you, my dear. But this beast, with his terrible face—this beast is a complete stranger. He’s nothing like me, even as I could have been,” Brydon firmly stated.

But she kept the clearness that was like the breath of infallibility.  “Isn’t the whole point that you’d have been different?”

But she maintained a clarity that felt like the breath of certainty. “Isn’t the whole point that you would have been different?”

He almost scowled for it.  “As different as that—?”

He almost frowned at it. “As different as that—?”

Her look again was more beautiful to him than the things of this world.  “Haven’t you exactly wanted to know how different?  So this morning,” she said, “you appeared to me.”

Her appearance was once again more beautiful to him than anything in this world. “Haven’t you always wanted to know just how different? So this morning,” she said, “you showed up to me.”

“Like him?”

"Like him?"

“A black stranger!”

“A Black stranger!”

“Then how did you know it was I?”

“Then how did you know it was me?”

“Because, as I told you weeks ago, my mind, my imagination, has worked so over what you might, what you mightn’t have been—to show you, you see, how I’ve thought of you.  In the midst of that you came to me—that my wonder might be answered.  So I knew,” she went on; “and believed that, since the question held you too so fast, as you told me that day, you too would see for yourself.  And when this morning I again saw I knew it would be because you had—and also then, from the first moment, because you somehow wanted me.  He seemed to tell me of that.  So why,” she strangely smiled, “shouldn’t I like him?”

“Because, as I told you weeks ago, my mind, my imagination has been working so hard on what you could have been or might not have been—to show you how much I’ve thought about you. In the middle of all that, you came to me—to satisfy my curiosity. So I knew,” she continued; “and I believed that, since the question held you just as tightly, as you told me that day, you would also see for yourself. And when I saw you again this morning, I knew it was because you had—and also from the very first moment, because you somehow wanted me. He seemed to tell me that. So why,” she smiled mysteriously, “shouldn’t I like him?”

It brought Spencer Brydon to his feet.  “You ‘like’ that horror—?”

It got Spencer Brydon to stand up. “You ‘like’ that horror—?”

“I could have liked him.  And to me,” she said, “he was no horror.  I had accepted him.”

"I could have liked him. And to me," she said, "he wasn't a nightmare. I had accepted him."

“‘Accepted’—?” Brydon oddly sounded.

"'Accepted'—?" Brydon sounded puzzled.

“Before, for the interest of his difference—yes.  And as I didn’t disown him, as I knew him—which you at last, confronted with him in his difference, so cruelly didn’t, my dear,—well, he must have been, you see, less dreadful to me.  And it may have pleased him that I pitied him.”

“Before, for the sake of his difference—yes. And since I didn’t reject him, since I knew him—which you, when faced with his difference, cruelly didn’t, my dear—well, he must have seemed, you see, less awful to me. And it might have pleased him that I felt sorry for him.”

She was beside him on her feet, but still holding his hand—still with her arm supporting him.  But though it all brought for him thus a dim light, “You ‘pitied’ him?” he grudgingly, resentfully asked.

She was standing next to him, still holding his hand and supporting him with her arm. But even though it gave him a faint sense of comfort, he asked resentfully, "You 'pitied' him?"

“He has been unhappy, he has been ravaged,” she said.

“He's been unhappy, he's been through a lot,” she said.

“And haven’t I been unhappy?  Am not I—you’ve only to look at me!—ravaged?”

“And haven’t I been unhappy? Am I not—you just have to look at me!—wrecked?”

“Ah I don’t say I like him better,” she granted after a thought.  “But he’s grim, he’s worn—and things have happened to him.  He doesn’t make shift, for sight, with your charming monocle.”

“Ah, I don’t say I like him better,” she admitted after thinking for a moment. “But he’s serious, he’s tired—and he’s been through a lot. He doesn’t pretend, like you do, with your charming monocle.”

“No”—it struck Brydon; “I couldn’t have sported mine ‘down-town.’  They’d have guyed me there.”

“No”—it hit Brydon; “I couldn’t have worn mine ‘downtown.’ They would have made fun of me there.”

“His great convex pince-nez—I saw it, I recognised the kind—is for his poor ruined sight.  And his poor right hand—!”

“His large curved pince-nez—I saw it, I recognized the kind—is for his unfortunate damaged eyesight. And his poor right hand—!”

“Ah!” Brydon winced—whether for his proved identity or for his lost fingers.  Then, “He has a million a year,” he lucidly added.  “But he hasn’t you.”

“Ah!” Brydon winced—whether for his confirmed identity or for his missing fingers. Then, “He makes a million a year,” he clearly added. “But he doesn’t have you.”

“And he isn’t—no, he isn’t—you!” she murmured, as he drew her to his breast.

“And he’s not—no, he’s not—you!” she whispered, as he pulled her close to him.


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