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TALES OF UNREST



By Joseph Conrad





“Be it thy course to being giddy minds With foreign quarrels.” —SHAKESPEARE



TO ADOLF P. KRIEGER FOR THE SAKE OF OLD DAYS






Contents






AUTHOR’S NOTE

Of the five stories in this volume, “The Lagoon,” the last in order, is the earliest in date. It is the first short story I ever wrote and marks, in a manner of speaking, the end of my first phase, the Malayan phase with its special subject and its verbal suggestions. Conceived in the same mood which produced “Almayer’s Folly” and “An Outcast of the Islands,” it is told in the same breath (with what was left of it, that is, after the end of “An Outcast”), seen with the same vision, rendered in the same method—if such a thing as method did exist then in my conscious relation to this new adventure of writing for print. I doubt it very much. One does one’s work first and theorises about it afterwards. It is a very amusing and egotistical occupation of no use whatever to any one and just as likely as not to lead to false conclusions.

Of the five stories in this volume, “The Lagoon,” the last one, is actually the earliest. It's the first short story I ever wrote and, in a way, it marks the end of my initial phase, the Malayan phase, with its unique themes and word choices. Created with the same mindset that led to “Almayer’s Folly” and “An Outcast of the Islands,” it is narrated in the same breath (what was left of it, anyway, after finishing “An Outcast”), viewed through the same perspective, and written in the same style—if there even was a style back then in my conscious approach to this new adventure of writing for publication. I highly doubt it. You do your work first and think about it later. It's a pretty amusing and self-centered activity that doesn't really benefit anyone and is just as likely to result in misleading conclusions.

Anybody can see that between the last paragraph of “An Outcast” and the first of “The Lagoon” there has been no change of pen, figuratively speaking. It happened also to be literally true. It was the same pen: a common steel pen. Having been charged with a certain lack of emotional faculty I am glad to be able to say that on one occasion at least I did give way to a sentimental impulse. I thought the pen had been a good pen and that it had done enough for me, and so, with the idea of keeping it for a sort of memento on which I could look later with tender eyes, I put it into my waistcoat pocket. Afterwards it used to turn up in all sorts of places—at the bottom of small drawers, among my studs in cardboard boxes—till at last it found permanent rest in a large wooden bowl containing some loose keys, bits of sealing wax, bits of string, small broken chains, a few buttons, and similar minute wreckage that washes out of a man’s life into such receptacles. I would catch sight of it from time to time with a distinct feeling of satisfaction till, one day, I perceived with horror that there were two old pens in there. How the other pen found its way into the bowl instead of the fireplace or wastepaper basket I can’t imagine, but there the two were, lying side by side, both encrusted with ink and completely undistinguishable from each other. It was very distressing, but being determined not to share my sentiment between two pens or run the risk of sentimentalising over a mere stranger, I threw them both out of the window into a flower bed—which strikes me now as a poetical grave for the remnants of one’s past.

Anyone can see that between the last paragraph of “An Outcast” and the first of “The Lagoon” there has been no change in writing style, metaphorically speaking. It also happens to be literally true. It was the same pen: a standard steel pen. Having been noted for a certain lack of emotional depth, I’m glad to say that at least on one occasion I did give in to a sentimental impulse. I thought the pen had served me well and deserved a special place in my memory, so I tucked it into my waistcoat pocket as a keepsake to look back on fondly later. Afterward, it would pop up in all sorts of places—at the bottom of small drawers, among my cufflinks in cardboard boxes—until it finally settled in a large wooden bowl filled with loose keys, bits of sealing wax, scraps of string, small broken chains, a few buttons, and other random remnants that accumulate in a man's life. I would occasionally spot it and feel a sense of satisfaction, until one day I was horrified to realize there were two old pens in there. I can’t fathom how the other pen ended up in the bowl instead of the fireplace or trash can, but there they were, lying side by side, both covered in ink and completely indistinguishable. It was very distressing, but determined not to split my sentiment between two pens or risk sentimentalizing a mere stranger, I chucked both of them out the window into a flower bed—which now feels to me like a poetic grave for the remnants of one’s past.

But the tale remained. It was first fixed in print in the “Cornhill Magazine”, being my first appearance in a serial of any kind; and I have lived long enough to see it guyed most agreeably by Mr. Max Beerbohm in a volume of parodies entitled “A Christmas Garland,” where I found myself in very good company. I was immensely gratified. I began to believe in my public existence. I have much to thank “The Lagoon” for.

But the story stuck around. It was first published in print in the “Cornhill Magazine,” marking my first appearance in any kind of series; and I've lived long enough to see it humorously mocked by Mr. Max Beerbohm in a collection of parodies called “A Christmas Garland,” where I found myself in great company. I was incredibly pleased. I started to believe in my presence in the public eye. I owe a lot to “The Lagoon.”

My next effort in short-story writing was a departure—I mean a departure from the Malay Archipelago. Without premeditation, without sorrow, without rejoicing, and almost without noticing it, I stepped into the very different atmosphere of “An Outpost of Progress.” I found there a different moral attitude. I seemed able to capture new reactions, new suggestions, and even new rhythms for my paragraphs. For a moment I fancied myself a new man—a most exciting illusion. It clung to me for some time, monstrous, half conviction and half hope as to its body, with an iridescent tail of dreams and with a changeable head like a plastic mask. It was only later that I perceived that in common with the rest of men nothing could deliver me from my fatal consistency. We cannot escape from ourselves.

My next attempt at writing a short story was a shift—specifically, a shift away from the Malay Archipelago. Without planning, without sadness, without happiness, and almost without realizing it, I stepped into the very different vibe of “An Outpost of Progress.” There, I encountered a new moral viewpoint. I felt like I could capture fresh reactions, new ideas, and even new rhythms for my paragraphs. For a brief moment, I imagined myself as someone completely new—a thrilling illusion. It lingered with me for a while, a strange mix of belief and hope, with a colorful tail of dreams and a changing face like a plastic mask. It wasn’t until later that I understood that, like everyone else, I couldn't escape my own stubborn nature. We can’t run away from who we are.

“An Outpost of Progress” is the lightest part of the loot I carried off from Central Africa, the main portion being of course “The Heart of Darkness.” Other men have found a lot of quite different things there and I have the comfortable conviction that what I took would not have been of much use to anybody else. And it must be said that it was but a very small amount of plunder. All of it could go into one’s breast pocket when folded neatly. As for the story itself it is true enough in its essentials. The sustained invention of a really telling lie demands a talent which I do not possess.

“An Outpost of Progress” is the lightest thing I brought back from Central Africa, the main part being “The Heart of Darkness.” Other people have discovered many different things there, and I feel confident that what I took wouldn’t have been very useful to anyone else. It’s worth mentioning that it was just a tiny bit of loot. Everything could fit in your breast pocket when folded neatly. As for the story itself, it’s true enough in its essentials. Coming up with a really compelling lie requires a talent I don’t have.

“The Idiots” is such an obviously derivative piece of work that it is impossible for me to say anything about it here. The suggestion of it was not mental but visual: the actual idiots. It was after an interval of long groping amongst vague impulses and hesitations which ended in the production of “The Nigger” that I turned to my third short story in the order of time, the first in this volume: “Karain: A Memory.”

“The Idiots” is such an obviously derivative piece of work that I can't really say anything about it here. The idea for it came not from thoughts but from what I saw: the actual idiots. After a long period of searching through vague feelings and uncertainties that led to the creation of “The Black,” I moved on to my third short story, which is the first in this volume: “Karain: A Memory.”

Reading it after many years “Karain” produced on me the effect of something seen through a pair of glasses from a rather advantageous position. In that story I had not gone back to the Archipelago, I had only turned for another look at it. I admit that I was absorbed by the distant view, so absorbed that I didn’t notice then that the motif of the story is almost identical with the motif of “The Lagoon.” However, the idea at the back is very different; but the story is mainly made memorable to me by the fact that it was my first contribution to “Blackwood’s Magazine” and that it led to my personal acquaintance with Mr. William Blackwood whose guarded appreciation I felt nevertheless to be genuine, and prized accordingly. “Karain” was begun on a sudden impulse only three days after I wrote the last line of “The Nigger,” and the recollection of its difficulties is mixed up with the worries of the unfinished “Return,” the last pages of which I took up again at the time; the only instance in my life when I made an attempt to write with both hands at once as it were.

Reading "Karain" after many years felt like seeing something through a pair of glasses from a favorable angle. In that story, I hadn't gone back to the Archipelago; I had just taken another look at it. I admit I was so absorbed by the distant view that I didn't realize at the time that the story's motif is nearly identical to that of "The Lagoon." However, the underlying idea is quite different; what makes the story especially memorable for me is that it was my first contribution to "Blackwood’s Magazine" and it led to my personal acquaintance with Mr. William Blackwood, whose cautious appreciation I still felt was sincere and valued greatly. "Karain" was started on a sudden impulse only three days after I wrote the last line of "The Black," and the memory of its challenges is intertwined with the stresses of the unfinished "Return," the last pages of which I revisited at that time; it was the only instance in my life when I attempted to write with both hands at once, so to speak.

Indeed my innermost feeling, now, is that “The Return” is a left-handed production. Looking through that story lately I had the material impression of sitting under a large and expensive umbrella in the loud drumming of a heavy rain-shower. It was very distracting. In the general uproar one could hear every individual drop strike on the stout and distended silk. Mentally, the reading rendered me dumb for the remainder of the day, not exactly with astonishment but with a sort of dismal wonder. I don’t want to talk disrespectfully of any pages of mine. Psychologically there were no doubt good reasons for my attempt; and it was worth while, if only to see of what excesses I was capable in that sort of virtuosity. In this connection I should like to confess my surprise on finding that notwithstanding all its apparatus of analysis the story consists for the most part of physical impressions; impressions of sound and sight, railway station, streets, a trotting horse, reflections in mirrors and so on, rendered as if for their own sake and combined with a sublimated description of a desirable middle-class town-residence which somehow manages to produce a sinister effect. For the rest any kind word about “The Return” (and there have been such words said at different times) awakens in me the liveliest gratitude, for I know how much the writing of that fantasy has cost me in sheer toil, in temper, and in disillusion.

Honestly, my deepest feeling right now is that “The Return” is an odd piece of work. Recently, as I was reading that story, I felt like I was sitting under a big, fancy umbrella while a heavy rain poured down around me. It was really distracting. Amidst all the noise, you could hear every single drop hitting the thick, stretched silk. Mentally, reading it left me speechless for the rest of the day—not exactly shocked, but in a kind of gloomy wonder. I don't want to speak badly about any of my own pages. Psychologically, there were certainly good reasons for my attempt, and it was worth it just to see what extremes I could reach with that kind of skill. In this context, I should admit I was surprised to find that despite all its analytical detail, the story mainly consists of physical impressions—impressions of sounds and sights, like a train station, streets, a trotting horse, reflections in mirrors, and so on—presented as if for their own sake, mixed with an elevated description of a desirable middle-class home that somehow creates a creepy vibe. As for any kind words about “The Return” (and there have been some positive remarks at various times), they fill me with deep gratitude because I know how much effort, frustration, and disillusionment went into writing that piece.

J. C.

J.C.




TALES OF UNREST

KARAIN, A MEMORY

I

I

We knew him in those unprotected days when we were content to hold in our hands our lives and our property. None of us, I believe, has any property now, and I hear that many, negligently, have lost their lives; but I am sure that the few who survive are not yet so dim-eyed as to miss in the befogged respectability of their newspapers the intelligence of various native risings in the Eastern Archipelago. Sunshine gleams between the lines of those short paragraphs—sunshine and the glitter of the sea. A strange name wakes up memories; the printed words scent the smoky atmosphere of to-day faintly, with the subtle and penetrating perfume as of land breezes breathing through the starlight of bygone nights; a signal fire gleams like a jewel on the high brow of a sombre cliff; great trees, the advanced sentries of immense forests, stand watchful and still over sleeping stretches of open water; a line of white surf thunders on an empty beach, the shallow water foams on the reefs; and green islets scattered through the calm of noonday lie upon the level of a polished sea, like a handful of emeralds on a buckler of steel.

We knew him during those carefree days when we were happy to hold our lives and our belongings in our hands. I don't think any of us has any property left now, and I've heard that many, carelessly, have lost their lives; but I'm sure that the few who are still around aren’t so oblivious that they miss the news of various uprisings in the Eastern Archipelago mentioned in their newspapers. There’s a glimmer of sunshine between the lines of those brief articles—sunshine and the sparkle of the sea. A strange name triggers memories; the printed words faintly scent today’s smoky atmosphere, with the subtle and penetrating fragrance of land breezes drifting through the starlit nights of the past; a signal fire shines like a jewel on the tall, dark cliff; huge trees, the first line of a massive forest, stand watchful and still over peaceful stretches of open water; a line of white waves crashes on an empty beach, the shallow water foams on the reefs; and green islets scattered across the calm midday lie on the smooth surface of a polished sea, like a handful of emeralds on a steel shield.

There are faces too—faces dark, truculent, and smiling; the frank audacious faces of men barefooted, well armed and noiseless. They thronged the narrow length of our schooner’s decks with their ornamented and barbarous crowd, with the variegated colours of checkered sarongs, red turbans, white jackets, embroideries; with the gleam of scabbards, gold rings, charms, armlets, lance blades, and jewelled handles of their weapons. They had an independent bearing, resolute eyes, a restrained manner; and we seem yet to hear their soft voices speaking of battles, travels, and escapes; boasting with composure, joking quietly; sometimes in well-bred murmurs extolling their own valour, our generosity; or celebrating with loyal enthusiasm the virtues of their ruler. We remember the faces, the eyes, the voices, we see again the gleam of silk and metal; the murmuring stir of that crowd, brilliant, festive, and martial; and we seem to feel the touch of friendly brown hands that, after one short grasp, return to rest on a chased hilt. They were Karain’s people—a devoted following. Their movements hung on his lips; they read their thoughts in his eyes; he murmured to them nonchalantly of life and death, and they accepted his words humbly, like gifts of fate. They were all free men, and when speaking to him said, “Your slave.” On his passage voices died out as though he had walked guarded by silence; awed whispers followed him. They called him their war-chief. He was the ruler of three villages on a narrow plain; the master of an insignificant foothold on the earth—of a conquered foothold that, shaped like a young moon, lay ignored between the hills and the sea.

There are faces too—dark, fierce, and smiling; the bold, fearless faces of men who are barefoot, well-armed, and silent. They crowded along the narrow decks of our schooner with their colorful and wild gathering, dressed in bright sarongs, red turbans, white jackets, and decorative embroidery; shining scabbards, gold rings, charms, armlets, lance blades, and jeweled handles of their weapons sparkled around them. They carried themselves with confidence, had determined eyes, and a calm demeanor; we can almost hear their soft voices discussing battles, journeys, and escapes; calmly boasting, sharing quiet jokes; sometimes, in refined whispers, praising their own bravery, acknowledging our generosity; or enthusiastically celebrating the qualities of their leader. We remember the faces, the eyes, the voices; we can see the shine of silk and metal again; we recall the murmuring stir of that vibrant, festive, and combat-ready crowd; and we almost feel the warmth of friendly brown hands that, after a brief handshake, return to rest on an ornate hilt. They were Karain’s people—a loyal group. Their actions depended on his words; they read their emotions in his eyes; he casually spoke to them about life and death, and they accepted his words humbly, like gifts from destiny. They were all free men, and when they spoke to him, they said, “Your slave.” As he passed through, voices fell silent as if he walked wrapped in silence; awed whispers trailed behind him. They called him their war chief. He was the leader of three villages on a narrow plain; the master of an insignificant territory on the earth—an acquired territory shaped like a young moon, lying unnoticed between the hills and the sea.

From the deck of our schooner, anchored in the middle of the bay, he indicated by a theatrical sweep of his arm along the jagged outline of the hills the whole of his domain; and the ample movement seemed to drive back its limits, augmenting it suddenly into something so immense and vague that for a moment it appeared to be bounded only by the sky. And really, looking at that place, landlocked from the sea and shut off from the land by the precipitous slopes of mountains, it was difficult to believe in the existence of any neighbourhood. It was still, complete, unknown, and full of a life that went on stealthily with a troubling effect of solitude; of a life that seemed unaccountably empty of anything that would stir the thought, touch the heart, give a hint of the ominous sequence of days. It appeared to us a land without memories, regrets, and hopes; a land where nothing could survive the coming of the night, and where each sunrise, like a dazzling act of special creation, was disconnected from the eve and the morrow.

From the deck of our schooner, anchored in the middle of the bay, he gestured dramatically along the jagged outline of the hills, showcasing the entirety of his territory; the sweeping motion seemed to push back the boundaries, transforming it suddenly into something so vast and unclear that for a moment it felt like it was limited only by the sky. Honestly, looking at that spot, cut off from the sea and separated from the land by steep mountain slopes, it was hard to believe any neighborhood existed. It was calm, whole, unknown, and filled with a life that carried on quietly, creating a sense of solitude; a life that seemed inexplicably devoid of anything to provoke thought, touch the heart, or hint at the ominous passage of days. It struck us as a land without memories, regrets, or hopes; a land where nothing could endure the arrival of night, and where each sunrise, like an extraordinary act of creation, felt completely disconnected from the evening before and the day to come.

Karain swept his hand over it. “All mine!” He struck the deck with his long staff; the gold head flashed like a falling star; very close behind him a silent old fellow in a richly embroidered black jacket alone of all the Malays around did not follow the masterful gesture with a look. He did not even lift his eyelids. He bowed his head behind his master, and without stirring held hilt up over his right shoulder a long blade in a silver scabbard. He was there on duty, but without curiosity, and seemed weary, not with age, but with the possession of a burdensome secret of existence. Karain, heavy and proud, had a lofty pose and breathed calmly. It was our first visit, and we looked about curiously.

Karain swept his hand over it. “All mine!” He slammed his staff against the deck; the gold head flashed like a falling star. Right behind him stood a quiet old man in a richly embroidered black jacket who, unlike all the Malays around, didn’t react to the commanding gesture. He didn’t even lift his eyelids. He bowed his head behind his master and, without moving, held the hilt of a long blade in a silver scabbard up over his right shoulder. He was there on duty, but showed no curiosity, appearing weary, not from age, but from carrying a heavy secret of existence. Karain, heavy and proud, stood tall and breathed steadily. It was our first visit, and we looked around with curiosity.

The bay was like a bottomless pit of intense light. The circular sheet of water reflected a luminous sky, and the shores enclosing it made an opaque ring of earth floating in an emptiness of transparent blue. The hills, purple and arid, stood out heavily on the sky: their summits seemed to fade into a coloured tremble as of ascending vapour; their steep sides were streaked with the green of narrow ravines; at their foot lay rice-fields, plantain-patches, yellow sands. A torrent wound about like a dropped thread. Clumps of fruit-trees marked the villages; slim palms put their nodding heads together above the low houses; dried palm-leaf roofs shone afar, like roofs of gold, behind the dark colonnades of tree-trunks; figures passed vivid and vanishing; the smoke of fires stood upright above the masses of flowering bushes; bamboo fences glittered, running away in broken lines between the fields. A sudden cry on the shore sounded plaintive in the distance, and ceased abruptly, as if stifled in the downpour of sunshine. A puff of breeze made a flash of darkness on the smooth water, touched our faces, and became forgotten. Nothing moved. The sun blazed down into a shadowless hollow of colours and stillness.

The bay looked like a bottomless pit of bright light. The round sheet of water mirrored a glowing sky, and the shores surrounding it created a thick ring of land floating in a clear blue emptiness. The hills, purple and dry, stood out sharply against the sky; their peaks seemed to blur into a colorful shimmer like rising vapor; their steep sides were marked with the green of narrow ravines; at their base lay rice fields, plantain patches, and yellow sands. A stream wound through the landscape like a stray thread. Clusters of fruit trees indicated the villages; slender palms nodded together above the low houses; dried palm-leaf roofs gleamed in the distance like roofs of gold, set against the dark columns of tree trunks; figures moved vividly and then vanished; the smoke from fires rose straight up above the masses of flowering bushes; bamboo fences sparkled, stretching away in broken lines between the fields. A sudden cry from the shore sounded distant and sad, stopping suddenly, as if muffled by the overwhelming sunlight. A gust of wind created a momentary shadow on the calm water, brushed against our faces, and was quickly forgotten. Nothing stirred. The sun blazed down into a color-filled, shadowless stillness.

It was the stage where, dressed splendidly for his part, he strutted, incomparably dignified, made important by the power he had to awaken an absurd expectation of something heroic going to take place—a burst of action or song—upon the vibrating tone of a wonderful sunshine. He was ornate and disturbing, for one could not imagine what depth of horrible void such an elaborate front could be worthy to hide. He was not masked—there was too much life in him, and a mask is only a lifeless thing; but he presented himself essentially as an actor, as a human being aggressively disguised. His smallest acts were prepared and unexpected, his speeches grave, his sentences ominous like hints and complicated like arabesques. He was treated with a solemn respect accorded in the irreverent West only to the monarchs of the stage, and he accepted the profound homage with a sustained dignity seen nowhere else but behind the footlights and in the condensed falseness of some grossly tragic situation. It was almost impossible to remember who he was—only a petty chief of a conveniently isolated corner of Mindanao, where we could in comparative safety break the law against the traffic in firearms and ammunition with the natives. What would happen should one of the moribund Spanish gun-boats be suddenly galvanized into a flicker of active life did not trouble us, once we were inside the bay—so completely did it appear out of the reach of a meddling world; and besides, in those days we were imaginative enough to look with a kind of joyous equanimity on any chance there was of being quietly hanged somewhere out of the way of diplomatic remonstrance. As to Karain, nothing could happen to him unless what happens to all—failure and death; but his quality was to appear clothed in the illusion of unavoidable success. He seemed too effective, too necessary there, too much of an essential condition for the existence of his land and his people, to be destroyed by anything short of an earthquake. He summed up his race, his country, the elemental force of ardent life, of tropical nature. He had its luxuriant strength, its fascination; and, like it, he carried the seed of peril within.

It was the moment when, dressed beautifully for his role, he walked with undeniable dignity, made significant by his ability to spark an absurd hope that something heroic was about to happen—a burst of action or song—under the vibrant glow of warm sunlight. He was both elaborate and unsettling, as one couldn't help but wonder what kind of terrible emptiness such an elaborate facade could be hiding. He didn’t wear a mask—there was too much vitality in him, and a mask is just a lifeless object; instead, he essentially presented himself as an actor, a person in an exaggerated disguise. Every small action he took was deliberate and surprising, his words serious, his sentences foreboding like clues and complex like ornamental designs. He received a solemn respect that in the irreverent West is usually reserved for stage monarchs, and he accepted this deep homage with a level of dignity rarely seen except backstage or within the condensed pretense of some dramatically tragic situation. It was nearly impossible to remember who he really was—just a minor leader in a conveniently isolated part of Mindanao, where we could, without too much worry, break the laws against gun and ammunition trading with the locals. The thought of what might happen if one of the nearly defunct Spanish gunboats suddenly sprang back to life didn’t concern us, as once we were inside the bay, it felt completely disconnected from the meddling outside world; moreover, in those days, we were imaginative enough to regard any possibility of being quietly executed somewhere away from diplomatic scrutiny with a kind of joyful calm. As for Karain, nothing could happen to him other than what happens to everyone—failure and death; but he had the uncanny ability to appear shrouded in the illusion of inevitable success. He seemed too effective, too necessary to the survival of his land and people to be taken down by anything less than an earthquake. He embodied his race, his country, the raw energy of vibrant life and tropical nature. He possessed its rich strength, its allure; and, like it, he carried the seeds of danger within.

In many successive visits we came to know his stage well—the purple semicircle of hills, the slim trees leaning over houses, the yellow sands, the streaming green of ravines. All that had the crude and blended colouring, the appropriateness almost excessive, the suspicious immobility of a painted scene; and it enclosed so perfectly the accomplished acting of his amazing pretences that the rest of the world seemed shut out forever from the gorgeous spectacle. There could be nothing outside. It was as if the earth had gone on spinning, and had left that crumb of its surface alone in space. He appeared utterly cut off from everything but the sunshine, and that even seemed to be made for him alone. Once when asked what was on the other side of the hills, he said, with a meaning smile, “Friends and enemies—many enemies; else why should I buy your rifles and powder?” He was always like this—word-perfect in his part, playing up faithfully to the mysteries and certitudes of his surroundings. “Friends and enemies”—nothing else. It was impalpable and vast. The earth had indeed rolled away from under his land, and he, with his handful of people, stood surrounded by a silent tumult as of contending shades. Certainly no sound came from outside. “Friends and enemies!” He might have added, “and memories,” at least as far as he himself was concerned; but he neglected to make that point then. It made itself later on, though; but it was after the daily performance—in the wings, so to speak, and with the lights out. Meantime he filled the stage with barbarous dignity. Some ten years ago he had led his people—a scratch lot of wandering Bugis—to the conquest of the bay, and now in his august care they had forgotten all the past, and had lost all concern for the future. He gave them wisdom, advice, reward, punishment, life or death, with the same serenity of attitude and voice. He understood irrigation and the art of war—the qualities of weapons and the craft of boat-building. He could conceal his heart; had more endurance; he could swim longer, and steer a canoe better than any of his people; he could shoot straighter, and negotiate more tortuously than any man of his race I knew. He was an adventurer of the sea, an outcast, a ruler—and my very good friend. I wish him a quick death in a stand-up fight, a death in sunshine; for he had known remorse and power, and no man can demand more from life. Day after day he appeared before us, incomparably faithful to the illusions of the stage, and at sunset the night descended upon him quickly, like a falling curtain. The seamed hills became black shadows towering high upon a clear sky; above them the glittering confusion of stars resembled a mad turmoil stilled by a gesture; sounds ceased, men slept, forms vanished—and the reality of the universe alone remained—a marvellous thing of darkness and glimmers.

During many visits, we got to know his stage well—the purple semicircle of hills, the slim trees leaning over houses, the yellow sands, and the vibrant green of the ravines. Everything had a raw, blended color, almost excessive in its appropriateness, with a stillness that felt like a painted scene. It enclosed the impressive acting of his remarkable pretenses so perfectly that the rest of the world seemed to be shut out forever from the beautiful spectacle. There could be nothing beyond it. It felt like the earth had continued spinning and left that small part of its surface alone in space. He seemed completely disconnected from anything except the sunshine, which appeared to be meant just for him. Once, when asked what lay beyond the hills, he replied with a knowing smile, “Friends and enemies—many enemies; otherwise, why would I buy your rifles and powder?” He was always like this—perfectly on point in his role, faithfully engaging with the mysteries and certainties of his surroundings. “Friends and enemies”—nothing else. It was intangible and vast. The earth had truly rolled away from under his land, and he, with his small group of people, stood amidst a silent chaos of competing shadows. No sound came from beyond. “Friends and enemies!” He could have added, “and memories,” at least regarding himself; but he didn’t make that point at the time. It became evident later, after the daily performance—in the wings, so to speak, with the lights off. In the meantime, he filled the stage with fierce dignity. About ten years ago, he had led his people—a ragtag group of wandering Bugis—to conquer the bay, and now, under his distinguished care, they had forgotten all about the past and lost all concern for the future. He provided them wisdom, advice, rewards, and punishments, along with life or death, all with the same calm demeanor and voice. He understood irrigation and the art of war, as well as the qualities of weapons and the craft of boat-building. He could hide his emotions, had great endurance, could swim longer, and navigate a canoe better than any of his people; he could shoot straighter and negotiate more cunningly than any man of his race I knew. He was an adventurer of the sea, an outcast, a ruler—and a very good friend of mine. I wish him a swift death in a fight, a death in the sunlight; for he had known remorse and power, and no man can ask for more from life. Day after day, he appeared before us, extraordinarily loyal to the illusions of the stage, and at sunset, night fell upon him swiftly, like a closing curtain. The rugged hills turned into black shadows towering against a clear sky; above them, the sparkling chaos of stars resembled a frenzied turmoil stilled by a single gesture; sounds faded, men slept, forms disappeared—and the reality of the universe remained—a marvelous blend of darkness and glimmers.

II

II

But it was at night that he talked openly, forgetting the exactions of his stage. In the daytime there were affairs to be discussed in state. There were at first between him and me his own splendour, my shabby suspicions, and the scenic landscape that intruded upon the reality of our lives by its motionless fantasy of outline and colour. His followers thronged round him; above his head the broad blades of their spears made a spiked halo of iron points, and they hedged him from humanity by the shimmer of silks, the gleam of weapons, the excited and respectful hum of eager voices. Before sunset he would take leave with ceremony, and go off sitting under a red umbrella, and escorted by a score of boats. All the paddles flashed and struck together with a mighty splash that reverberated loudly in the monumental amphitheatre of hills. A broad stream of dazzling foam trailed behind the flotilla. The canoes appeared very black on the white hiss of water; turbaned heads swayed back and forth; a multitude of arms in crimson and yellow rose and fell with one movement; the spearmen upright in the bows of canoes had variegated sarongs and gleaming shoulders like bronze statues; the muttered strophes of the paddlers’ song ended periodically in a plaintive shout. They diminished in the distance; the song ceased; they swarmed on the beach in the long shadows of the western hills. The sunlight lingered on the purple crests, and we could see him leading the way to his stockade, a burly bareheaded figure walking far in advance of a straggling cortege, and swinging regularly an ebony staff taller than himself. The darkness deepened fast; torches gleamed fitfully, passing behind bushes; a long hail or two trailed in the silence of the evening; and at last the night stretched its smooth veil over the shore, the lights, and the voices.

But at night, he spoke freely, forgetting the pressures of his role. During the day, there were state matters to discuss. Initially, there was a contrast between his grandeur and my petty suspicions, alongside the picturesque landscape that intruded upon the reality of our lives with its still, dreamlike outlines and colors. His followers crowded around him; above him, the broad heads of their spears created a spiked halo of iron points, and they shielded him from the rest of humanity with shimmering silks, gleaming weapons, and the excited, respectful buzz of eager voices. Before sunset, he would formally take his leave, departing under a red umbrella and accompanied by a dozen boats. All the paddles flashed and struck together with a mighty splash that echoed loudly in the monumental amphitheater of hills. A wide stream of dazzling foam trailed behind the flotilla. The canoes appeared very dark against the white spray of water; turbaned heads swayed back and forth; countless arms in crimson and yellow rose and fell in unison; the spearmen standing upright in the bows of the canoes wore colorful sarongs and had gleaming shoulders like bronze statues; the murmurs of the paddlers' song would periodically end in a wistful shout. They faded into the distance; the song stopped; they swarmed onto the beach in the long shadows of the western hills. The sunlight lingered on the purple peaks, and we could see him leading the way to his stockade, a solid, bareheaded figure walking far ahead of a scattered procession, regularly swinging an ebony staff taller than himself. The darkness quickly deepened; torches flickered intermittently as they passed behind bushes; a few long calls echoed in the evening silence; and finally, the night spread its smooth veil over the shore, the lights, and the voices.

Then, just as we were thinking of repose, the watchmen of the schooner would hail a splash of paddles away in the starlit gloom of the bay; a voice would respond in cautious tones, and our serang, putting his head down the open skylight, would inform us without surprise, “That Rajah, he coming. He here now.” Karain appeared noiselessly in the doorway of the little cabin. He was simplicity itself then; all in white; muffled about his head; for arms only a kriss with a plain buffalo-horn handle, which he would politely conceal within a fold of his sarong before stepping over the threshold. The old sword-bearer’s face, the worn-out and mournful face so covered with wrinkles that it seemed to look out through the meshes of a fine dark net, could be seen close above his shoulders. Karain never moved without that attendant, who stood or squatted close at his back. He had a dislike of an open space behind him. It was more than a dislike—it resembled fear, a nervous preoccupation of what went on where he could not see. This, in view of the evident and fierce loyalty that surrounded him, was inexplicable. He was there alone in the midst of devoted men; he was safe from neighbourly ambushes, from fraternal ambitions; and yet more than one of our visitors had assured us that their ruler could not bear to be alone. They said, “Even when he eats and sleeps there is always one on the watch near him who has strength and weapons.” There was indeed always one near him, though our informants had no conception of that watcher’s strength and weapons, which were both shadowy and terrible. We knew, but only later on, when we had heard the story. Meantime we noticed that, even during the most important interviews, Karain would often give a start, and interrupting his discourse, would sweep his arm back with a sudden movement, to feel whether the old fellow was there. The old fellow, impenetrable and weary, was always there. He shared his food, his repose, and his thoughts; he knew his plans, guarded his secrets; and, impassive behind his master’s agitation, without stirring the least bit, murmured above his head in a soothing tone some words difficult to catch.

Then, just as we were thinking of resting, the watchmen of the schooner would call out when they heard a splash of paddles in the starlit darkness of the bay; a voice would respond cautiously, and our serang, leaning his head out of the open skylight, would tell us calmly, “That Rajah, he’s coming. He’s here now.” Karain appeared quietly in the doorway of the little cabin. He was the epitome of simplicity then; all in white, with his head partially covered; he carried only a kriss with a plain buffalo-horn handle, which he would politely tuck away in a fold of his sarong before stepping over the threshold. The old sword-bearer’s worn, sorrowful face, so lined with wrinkles that it seemed to peer through the strands of a fine dark net, was visible just above his shoulders. Karain never moved without that attendant, who stood or squatted close behind him. He hated having an open space behind him. It was more than just a dislike—it felt like fear, a nervous concern about what was happening out of his sight. This was puzzling, considering the fierce loyalty that surrounded him. He was there alone among devoted men; he was safe from any ambush from neighbors, from competing ambitions; yet more than one of our visitors had told us that their ruler couldn’t stand being alone. They said, “Even when he eats and sleeps, there’s always someone on watch nearby who has strength and weapons.” There was indeed always someone close to him, although our informants had no idea about that watcher’s strength and weapons, which were both shadowy and terrifying. We understood, but only later, after we had heard the story. In the meantime, we noticed that even during the most crucial conversations, Karain would often flinch, interrupting his speech, sweeping his arm back suddenly to check if the old fellow was there. The old fellow, inscrutable and weary, was always there. He shared in his food, his rest, and his thoughts; he knew his plans, guarded his secrets; and, calm behind his master’s agitation, without moving a fraction, would murmur soothing words just above his head, words that were hard to catch.

It was only on board the schooner, when surrounded by white faces, by unfamiliar sights and sounds, that Karain seemed to forget the strange obsession that wound like a black thread through the gorgeous pomp of his public life. At night we treated him in a free and easy manner, which just stopped short of slapping him on the back, for there are liberties one must not take with a Malay. He said himself that on such occasions he was only a private gentleman coming to see other gentlemen whom he supposed as well born as himself. I fancy that to the last he believed us to be emissaries of Government, darkly official persons furthering by our illegal traffic some dark scheme of high statecraft. Our denials and protestations were unavailing. He only smiled with discreet politeness and inquired about the Queen. Every visit began with that inquiry; he was insatiable of details; he was fascinated by the holder of a sceptre the shadow of which, stretching from the westward over the earth and over the seas, passed far beyond his own hand’s-breadth of conquered land. He multiplied questions; he could never know enough of the Monarch of whom he spoke with wonder and chivalrous respect—with a kind of affectionate awe! Afterwards, when we had learned that he was the son of a woman who had many years ago ruled a small Bugis state, we came to suspect that the memory of his mother (of whom he spoke with enthusiasm) mingled somehow in his mind with the image he tried to form for himself of the far-off Queen whom he called Great, Invincible, Pious, and Fortunate. We had to invent details at last to satisfy his craving curiosity; and our loyalty must be pardoned, for we tried to make them fit for his august and resplendent ideal. We talked. The night slipped over us, over the still schooner, over the sleeping land, and over the sleepless sea that thundered amongst the reefs outside the bay. His paddlers, two trustworthy men, slept in the canoe at the foot of our side-ladder. The old confidant, relieved from duty, dozed on his heels, with his back against the companion-doorway; and Karain sat squarely in the ship’s wooden armchair, under the slight sway of the cabin lamp, a cheroot between his dark fingers, and a glass of lemonade before him. He was amused by the fizz of the thing, but after a sip or two would let it get flat, and with a courteous wave of his hand ask for a fresh bottle. He decimated our slender stock; but we did not begrudge it to him, for, when he began, he talked well. He must have been a great Bugis dandy in his time, for even then (and when we knew him he was no longer young) his splendour was spotlessly neat, and he dyed his hair a light shade of brown. The quiet dignity of his bearing transformed the dim-lit cuddy of the schooner into an audience-hall. He talked of inter-island politics with an ironic and melancholy shrewdness. He had travelled much, suffered not a little, intrigued, fought. He knew native Courts, European Settlements, the forests, the sea, and, as he said himself, had spoken in his time to many great men. He liked to talk with me because I had known some of these men: he seemed to think that I could understand him, and, with a fine confidence, assumed that I, at least, could appreciate how much greater he was himself. But he preferred to talk of his native country—a small Bugis state on the island of Celebes. I had visited it some time before, and he asked eagerly for news. As men’s names came up in conversation he would say, “We swam against one another when we were boys”; or, “We hunted the deer together—he could use the noose and the spear as well as I.” Now and then his big dreamy eyes would roll restlessly; he frowned or smiled, or he would become pensive, and, staring in silence, would nod slightly for a time at some regretted vision of the past.

It was only on the schooner, surrounded by white faces, unfamiliar sights, and sounds, that Karain seemed to forget the strange obsession that wound like a dark thread through the colorful display of his public life. At night, we treated him casually, just shy of slapping him on the back, because there are boundaries one must not cross with a Malay. He claimed that during those moments, he was just a private gentleman visiting other gentlemen whom he believed were as well born as he was. I suspect he thought we were government agents, shadowy officials secretly advancing some hidden scheme of statecraft through our illegal activities. Our denials and protests didn't convince him. He merely smiled politely and asked about the Queen. Every visit started with that question; he was endlessly curious for details. He was fascinated by the holder of a scepter whose influence, extending from the west over the earth and seas, reached far beyond his own limited territory. He asked countless questions; he could never get enough about the Monarch he spoke of with admiration and chivalrous respect—almost with a kind of affectionate awe! Later, when we learned he was the son of a woman who had ruled a small Bugis state long ago, we began to suspect that the memory of his mother (whom he spoke of passionately) somehow mingled in his mind with the image he was trying to create of the distant Queen whom he called Great, Invincible, Pious, and Fortunate. Eventually, we had to make up details to satisfy his insatiable curiosity; and our loyalty must be excused, as we tried to shape them to fit his grand and majestic ideal. We talked. The night passed over us, over the still schooner, over the sleeping land, and over the restless sea crashing against the reefs outside the bay. His paddlers, two reliable men, slept in the canoe at the bottom of our side ladder. The old confidant, off duty, dozed on his heels with his back against the doorway; and Karain sat firmly in the ship’s wooden armchair, under the gentle sway of the cabin lamp, a cheroot between his dark fingers, and a glass of lemonade before him. He found the fizz entertaining, but after a sip or two, he would let it go flat, and with a polite gesture, request a fresh bottle. He quickly depleted our limited supply; but we didn't mind, because when he started, he spoke well. He must have been a great Bugis dandy in his time, for even then (and by the time we knew him, he was no longer young) his elegance was immaculate, and he dyed his hair a light shade of brown. The quiet dignity of his posture transformed the dimly lit cabin of the schooner into an audience hall. He discussed inter-island politics with a sardonic and wistful insight. He had traveled extensively, endured hardships, schemed, and fought. He was familiar with native courts, European settlements, the forests, the sea, and, as he said himself, had conversed with many influential people in his time. He enjoyed talking to me because I had known some of these individuals: he seemed to believe that I could understand him, and confidently assumed that I, at least, could appreciate how much greater he was. However, he preferred to discuss his homeland—a small Bugis state on the island of Celebes. I had visited it some time ago, and he eagerly asked for news. As names came up in our conversation, he would say, “We swam against each other as boys,” or “We hunted deer together—he could use the noose and spear as well as I.” Occasionally, his big, dreamy eyes would shift restlessly; he would frown, smile, or become thoughtful, sitting in silence while slightly nodding for a moment at some cherished recollection of the past.

His mother had been the ruler of a small semi-independent state on the sea-coast at the head of the Gulf of Boni. He spoke of her with pride. She had been a woman resolute in affairs of state and of her own heart. After the death of her first husband, undismayed by the turbulent opposition of the chiefs, she married a rich trader, a Korinchi man of no family. Karain was her son by that second marriage, but his unfortunate descent had apparently nothing to do with his exile. He said nothing as to its cause, though once he let slip with a sigh, “Ha! my land will not feel any more the weight of my body.” But he related willingly the story of his wanderings, and told us all about the conquest of the bay. Alluding to the people beyond the hills, he would murmur gently, with a careless wave of the hand, “They came over the hills once to fight us, but those who got away never came again.” He thought for a while, smiling to himself. “Very few got away,” he added, with proud serenity. He cherished the recollections of his successes; he had an exulting eagerness for endeavour; when he talked, his aspect was warlike, chivalrous, and uplifting. No wonder his people admired him. We saw him once walking in daylight amongst the houses of the settlement. At the doors of huts groups of women turned to look after him, warbling softly, and with gleaming eyes; armed men stood out of the way, submissive and erect; others approached from the side, bending their backs to address him humbly; an old woman stretched out a draped lean arm—“Blessings on thy head!” she cried from a dark doorway; a fiery-eyed man showed above the low fence of a plantain-patch a streaming face, a bare breast scarred in two places, and bellowed out pantingly after him, “God give victory to our master!” Karain walked fast, and with firm long strides; he answered greetings right and left by quick piercing glances. Children ran forward between the houses, peeped fearfully round corners; young boys kept up with him, gliding between bushes: their eyes gleamed through the dark leaves. The old sword-bearer, shouldering the silver scabbard, shuffled hastily at his heels with bowed head, and his eyes on the ground. And in the midst of a great stir they passed swift and absorbed, like two men hurrying through a great solitude.

His mother had been the ruler of a small semi-independent state on the coast at the head of the Gulf of Boni. He spoke of her with pride. She was determined in both state matters and her own feelings. After her first husband died, undeterred by the fierce opposition from the chiefs, she married a wealthy trader from Korinchi, a man with no noble background. Karain was her son from that second marriage, but his unfortunate lineage seemed unrelated to his exile. He said nothing about why he was exiled, though once he sighed, “Ha! my land will no longer feel the weight of my body.” But he eagerly shared the tale of his adventures and told us everything about the conquest of the bay. Referring to the people beyond the hills, he would softly mention, with a casual wave of his hand, “They came over the hills to fight us once, but those who escaped never came back.” He paused for a moment, smiling to himself. “Very few made it out,” he added, with proud calmness. He cherished the memories of his victories and was eager for new challenges; when he spoke, he appeared bold, chivalrous, and inspiring. No wonder his people admired him. We once saw him walking in the daylight among the houses of the settlement. At the entrances of huts, groups of women turned to watch him, singing softly with shining eyes; armed men stepped aside, standing tall and respectful; others approached from the side, bending down to speak to him humbly; an old woman stretched out a thin, draped arm—“Blessings on your head!” she cried from a dark doorway; a man with fiery eyes emerged above the low fence of a plantain patch, his face glistening, his bare chest scarred in two places, and shouted breathlessly after him, “God grant victory to our master!” Karain walked quickly and confidently, responding to greetings with sharp, penetrating glances. Children rushed forward between the houses, peeking around corners nervously; young boys kept pace with him, slipping through the bushes: their eyes shone through the dark leaves. The old sword-bearer, carrying the silver scabbard, hurriedly shuffled behind him, head down, eyes on the ground. And amidst the lively scene, they passed quickly and fully absorbed, like two men rushing through a vast emptiness.

In his council hall he was surrounded by the gravity of armed chiefs, while two long rows of old headmen dressed in cotton stuffs squatted on their heels, with idle arms hanging over their knees. Under the thatch roof supported by smooth columns, of which each one had cost the life of a straight-stemmed young palm, the scent of flowering hedges drifted in warm waves. The sun was sinking. In the open courtyard suppliants walked through the gate, raising, when yet far off, their joined hands above bowed heads, and bending low in the bright stream of sunlight. Young girls, with flowers in their laps, sat under the wide-spreading boughs of a big tree. The blue smoke of wood fires spread in a thin mist above the high-pitched roofs of houses that had glistening walls of woven reeds, and all round them rough wooden pillars under the sloping eaves. He dispensed justice in the shade; from a high seat he gave orders, advice, reproof. Now and then the hum of approbation rose louder, and idle spearmen that lounged listlessly against the posts, looking at the girls, would turn their heads slowly. To no man had been given the shelter of so much respect, confidence, and awe. Yet at times he would lean forward and appear to listen as for a far-off note of discord, as if expecting to hear some faint voice, the sound of light footsteps; or he would start half up in his seat, as though he had been familiarly touched on the shoulder. He glanced back with apprehension; his aged follower whispered inaudibly at his ear; the chiefs turned their eyes away in silence, for the old wizard, the man who could command ghosts and send evil spirits against enemies, was speaking low to their ruler. Around the short stillness of the open place the trees rustled faintly, the soft laughter of girls playing with the flowers rose in clear bursts of joyous sound. At the end of upright spear-shafts the long tufts of dyed horse-hair waved crimson and filmy in the gust of wind; and beyond the blaze of hedges the brook of limpid quick water ran invisible and loud under the drooping grass of the bank, with a great murmur, passionate and gentle.

In his council hall, he was surrounded by the seriousness of armed chiefs, while two long rows of old headmen dressed in cotton sat on their heels, with their arms hanging loosely over their knees. Under the thatched roof supported by smooth columns, each made from a young palm that had given its life, the scent of flowering hedges drifted in warm waves. The sun was setting. In the open courtyard, petitioners walked through the gate, raising their joined hands above bowed heads from a distance, and bowing low in the bright sunlight. Young girls, with flowers in their laps, sat under the wide-spreading branches of a large tree. The blue smoke from wood fires drifted in a thin mist above the high-roofed houses with glistening walls made from woven reeds, all around them rough wooden pillars supporting the sloping eaves. He dispensed justice in the shade; from a high seat, he gave orders, advice, and reprimands. Occasionally, the hum of approval grew louder, and the idle spearmen lounging against the posts, gazing at the girls, would slowly turn their heads. No one was given the shelter of so much respect, confidence, and awe. Yet sometimes he would lean forward and seem to listen for a distant note of discord, as if expecting to hear some faint voice or the sound of light footsteps; or he would start to rise in his seat, as if someone had casually touched his shoulder. He glanced back with concern; his elderly follower whispered softly in his ear; the chiefs turned their eyes away in silence, for the old wizard, the man who could summon ghosts and send evil spirits against foes, was speaking quietly to their leader. Around the brief stillness of the open area, the trees rustled gently, the soft laughter of girls playing with flowers erupted in clear bursts of joyful sound. At the tips of upright spear shafts, the long tufts of dyed horsehair waved crimson and airy in the wind; beyond the bright hedges, the clear brook flowed unseen and loudly beneath the drooping grass of the bank, with a great murmur, both passionate and gentle.

After sunset, far across the fields and over the bay, clusters of torches could be seen burning under the high roofs of the council shed. Smoky red flames swayed on high poles, and the fiery blaze flickered over faces, clung to the smooth trunks of palm-trees, kindled bright sparks on the rims of metal dishes standing on fine floor-mats. That obscure adventurer feasted like a king. Small groups of men crouched in tight circles round the wooden platters; brown hands hovered over snowy heaps of rice. Sitting upon a rough couch apart from the others, he leaned on his elbow with inclined head; and near him a youth improvised in a high tone a song that celebrated his valour and wisdom. The singer rocked himself to and fro, rolling frenzied eyes; old women hobbled about with dishes, and men, squatting low, lifted their heads to listen gravely without ceasing to eat. The song of triumph vibrated in the night, and the stanzas rolled out mournful and fiery like the thoughts of a hermit. He silenced it with a sign, “Enough!” An owl hooted far away, exulting in the delight of deep gloom in dense foliage; overhead lizards ran in the attap thatch, calling softly; the dry leaves of the roof rustled; the rumour of mingled voices grew louder suddenly. After a circular and startled glance, as of a man waking up abruptly to the sense of danger, he would throw himself back, and under the downward gaze of the old sorcerer take up, wide-eyed, the slender thread of his dream. They watched his moods; the swelling rumour of animated talk subsided like a wave on a sloping beach. The chief is pensive. And above the spreading whisper of lowered voices only a little rattle of weapons would be heard, a single louder word distinct and alone, or the grave ring of a big brass tray.

After sunset, far across the fields and over the bay, clusters of torches could be seen burning under the high roofs of the council shed. Smoky red flames swayed on high poles, and the fiery blaze flickered over faces, clung to the smooth trunks of palm trees, and sparked bright glimmers on the rims of metal dishes resting on fine floor mats. That obscure adventurer feasted like a king. Small groups of men huddled in tight circles around the wooden platters; brown hands hovered over piles of fluffy white rice. Sitting on a rough couch away from the others, he leaned on his elbow with his head tilted; nearby, a young man sang in a high tone, celebrating his bravery and wisdom. The singer swayed back and forth, his eyes wide with excitement; old women shuffled around with dishes, and men squatting low lifted their heads to listen intently while continuing to eat. The triumphant song resonated in the night, the verses rolling out mournful and fiery like the thoughts of a hermit. He silenced it with a gesture, “Enough!” An owl hooted in the distance, reveling in the deep darkness among thick foliage; overhead, lizards moved in the palm-thatch roof, calling softly; the dry leaves rustled; the noise of mixed voices suddenly grew louder. After a brief and startled glance, like a man awakening abruptly to a sense of danger, he would lean back, and under the watchful gaze of the old sorcerer, return, wide-eyed, to the slender thread of his dream. They observed his moods; the lively chatter subsided like a wave receding on a sloping beach. The chief appeared thoughtful. And above the quieting murmur of lowered voices, only the faint clink of weapons could be heard, a single louder word standing out, or the deep ring of a large brass tray.

III

III

For two years at short intervals we visited him. We came to like him, to trust him, almost to admire him. He was plotting and preparing a war with patience, with foresight—with a fidelity to his purpose and with a steadfastness of which I would have thought him racially incapable. He seemed fearless of the future, and in his plans displayed a sagacity that was only limited by his profound ignorance of the rest of the world. We tried to enlighten him, but our attempts to make clear the irresistible nature of the forces which he desired to arrest failed to discourage his eagerness to strike a blow for his own primitive ideas. He did not understand us, and replied by arguments that almost drove one to desperation by their childish shrewdness. He was absurd and unanswerable. Sometimes we caught glimpses of a sombre, glowing fury within him—a brooding and vague sense of wrong, and a concentrated lust of violence which is dangerous in a native. He raved like one inspired. On one occasion, after we had been talking to him late in his campong, he jumped up. A great, clear fire blazed in the grove; lights and shadows danced together between the trees; in the still night bats flitted in and out of the boughs like fluttering flakes of denser darkness. He snatched the sword from the old man, whizzed it out of the scabbard, and thrust the point into the earth. Upon the thin, upright blade the silver hilt, released, swayed before him like something alive. He stepped back a pace, and in a deadened tone spoke fiercely to the vibrating steel: “If there is virtue in the fire, in the iron, in the hand that forged thee, in the words spoken over thee, in the desire of my heart, and in the wisdom of thy makers,—then we shall be victorious together!” He drew it out, looked along the edge. “Take,” he said over his shoulder to the old sword-bearer. The other, unmoved on his hams, wiped the point with a corner of his sarong, and returning the weapon to its scabbard, sat nursing it on his knees without a single look upwards. Karain, suddenly very calm, reseated himself with dignity. We gave up remonstrating after this, and let him go his way to an honourable disaster. All we could do for him was to see to it that the powder was good for the money and the rifles serviceable, if old.

For two years, we visited him frequently. We grew to like him, trust him, and almost admire him. He was plotting and preparing for war with patience and foresight—dedicated to his purpose and with a level of determination I never thought he was capable of. He seemed unafraid of the future, and in his plans, he showed a wisdom that was only limited by his deep ignorance of the outside world. We tried to enlighten him, but our efforts to explain the unstoppable forces he wanted to resist only fueled his eagerness to fight for his primitive ideas. He didn’t understand us and responded with arguments that were infuriatingly naive. He was ridiculous and unarguable. Sometimes, we caught glimpses of a dark, intense fury within him—a vague sense of injustice and a focused desire for violence that can be dangerous in someone like him. He spoke passionately as if possessed. One time, after we had been talking with him late into the night at his camp, he jumped up. A bright fire blazed in the grove; light and shadow danced among the trees, and in the stillness of the night, bats flitted in and out of the branches like dark flickers. He grabbed the sword from the old man, pulled it from its sheath, and plunged the tip into the ground. The thin, upright blade with its silver hilt swayed before him as if it were alive. He stepped back a bit and spoke fiercely to the vibrating steel in a flat voice: “If there is strength in the fire, the iron, the hand that made you, the words spoken over you, my heart's desire, and the wisdom of your creators—then we will be victorious together!” He pulled it out, examined the edge, and said over his shoulder to the old sword-bearer, “Take.” The old man, unfazed, wiped the point with a corner of his sarong and returned the weapon to its sheath, cradling it on his knees without even glancing up. Karain, suddenly very calm, sat down again with dignity. After that, we stopped trying to reason with him and let him head toward an inevitable disaster. All we could do was ensure the powder was good for the price and that the rifles were functional, even if they were old.

But the game was becoming at last too dangerous; and if we, who had faced it pretty often, thought little of the danger, it was decided for us by some very respectable people sitting safely in counting-houses that the risks were too great, and that only one more trip could be made. After giving in the usual way many misleading hints as to our destination, we slipped away quietly, and after a very quick passage entered the bay. It was early morning, and even before the anchor went to the bottom the schooner was surrounded by boats.

But the game was finally getting too dangerous; and even though we, who had faced it quite a few times, didn't think much of the risk, some very respectable people safely sitting in their offices decided the dangers were too high and that we could only make one more trip. After giving the usual misleading hints about where we were headed, we quietly slipped away, and after a very quick journey, we entered the bay. It was early morning, and even before the anchor hit the bottom, the schooner was surrounded by boats.

The first thing we heard was that Karain’s mysterious sword-bearer had died a few days ago. We did not attach much importance to the news. It was certainly difficult to imagine Karain without his inseparable follower; but the fellow was old, he had never spoken to one of us, we hardly ever had heard the sound of his voice; and we had come to look upon him as upon something inanimate, as a part of our friend’s trappings of state—like that sword he had carried, or the fringed red umbrella displayed during an official progress. Karain did not visit us in the afternoon as usual. A message of greeting and a present of fruit and vegetables came off for us before sunset. Our friend paid us like a banker, but treated us like a prince. We sat up for him till midnight. Under the stern awning bearded Jackson jingled an old guitar and sang, with an execrable accent, Spanish love-songs; while young Hollis and I, sprawling on the deck, had a game of chess by the light of a cargo lantern. Karain did not appear. Next day we were busy unloading, and heard that the Rajah was unwell. The expected invitation to visit him ashore did not come. We sent friendly messages, but, fearing to intrude upon some secret council, remained on board. Early on the third day we had landed all the powder and rifles, and also a six-pounder brass gun with its carriage which we had subscribed together for a present for our friend. The afternoon was sultry. Ragged edges of black clouds peeped over the hills, and invisible thunderstorms circled outside, growling like wild beasts. We got the schooner ready for sea, intending to leave next morning at daylight. All day a merciless sun blazed down into the bay, fierce and pale, as if at white heat. Nothing moved on the land. The beach was empty, the villages seemed deserted; the trees far off stood in unstirring clumps, as if painted; the white smoke of some invisible bush-fire spread itself low over the shores of the bay like a settling fog. Late in the day three of Karain’s chief men, dressed in their best and armed to the teeth, came off in a canoe, bringing a case of dollars. They were gloomy and languid, and told us they had not seen their Rajah for five days. No one had seen him! We settled all accounts, and after shaking hands in turn and in profound silence, they descended one after another into their boat, and were paddled to the shore, sitting close together, clad in vivid colours, with hanging heads: the gold embroideries of their jackets flashed dazzlingly as they went away gliding on the smooth water, and not one of them looked back once. Before sunset the growling clouds carried with a rush the ridge of hills, and came tumbling down the inner slopes. Everything disappeared; black whirling vapours filled the bay, and in the midst of them the schooner swung here and there in the shifting gusts of wind. A single clap of thunder detonated in the hollow with a violence that seemed capable of bursting into small pieces the ring of high land, and a warm deluge descended. The wind died out. We panted in the close cabin; our faces streamed; the bay outside hissed as if boiling; the water fell in perpendicular shafts as heavy as lead; it swished about the deck, poured off the spars, gurgled, sobbed, splashed, murmured in the blind night. Our lamp burned low. Hollis, stripped to the waist, lay stretched out on the lockers, with closed eyes and motionless like a despoiled corpse; at his head Jackson twanged the guitar, and gasped out in sighs a mournful dirge about hopeless love and eyes like stars. Then we heard startled voices on deck crying in the rain, hurried footsteps overhead, and suddenly Karain appeared in the doorway of the cabin. His bare breast and his face glistened in the light; his sarong, soaked, clung about his legs; he had his sheathed kriss in his left hand; and wisps of wet hair, escaping from under his red kerchief, stuck over his eyes and down his cheeks. He stepped in with a headlong stride and looking over his shoulder like a man pursued. Hollis turned on his side quickly and opened his eyes. Jackson clapped his big hand over the strings and the jingling vibration died suddenly. I stood up.

The first thing we heard was that Karain’s mysterious sword-bearer had died a few days ago. We didn’t think much of the news. It was hard to picture Karain without his constant companion; but the guy was old, had never talked to any of us, and we barely ever heard him speak; we came to see him as something lifeless, like a part of our friend’s royal decor—like that sword he carried or the fringed red umbrella that was displayed during official occasions. Karain didn’t come to see us in the afternoon as he usually did. A message of greeting and a gift of fruits and vegetables arrived for us before sunset. Our friend treated us like a banker would but acted like a prince towards us. We stayed up waiting for him until midnight. Under the stern awning, bearded Jackson strummed an old guitar and sang, with a terrible accent, Spanish love songs; while young Hollis and I, sprawled out on the deck, played chess by the light of a cargo lantern. Karain didn’t show up. The next day we were busy unloading and heard that the Rajah was unwell. The expected invitation to visit him ashore didn’t arrive. We sent friendly messages but, fearing to intrude on some secret meeting, stayed on board. Early on the third day, we unloaded all the powder and rifles, along with a six-pound brass cannon and its carriage, which we had all chipped in to get as a gift for our friend. The afternoon was hot and sticky. Ragged edges of black clouds peeked over the hills, and invisible thunderstorms rumbled outside, growling like wild animals. We got the schooner ready to set sail, planning to leave the next morning at dawn. All day a relentless sun blazed down into the bay, fierce and pale, as if it was at white heat. Nothing moved on the land. The beach was deserted, and the villages seemed empty; the trees in the distance stood still, as if painted; the white smoke from some invisible bushfire spread low over the shores of the bay like settling fog. Late in the day, three of Karain’s chief men, dressed in their best and armed to the teeth, came over in a canoe, bringing a case of dollars. They looked gloomy and tired, and told us they hadn’t seen their Rajah for five days. No one had seen him! We settled all our accounts, and after shaking hands in silence, one by one, they climbed back into their boat and were paddled to shore, sitting close together, dressed in bright colors with their heads hanging low: the gold embroidery on their jackets shimmered dazzlingly as they glided away on the calm water, and not one of them looked back. Before sunset, the rumbling clouds rushed over the hilltop and tumbled down the inner slopes. Everything vanished; black swirling mist filled the bay, and in the midst of it, the schooner swayed here and there in the shifting gusts of wind. A single clap of thunder exploded with a force that seemed capable of shattering the ring of high ground, and a warm downpour began. The wind died down. We gasped in the cramped cabin; our faces were drenched; the bay outside hissed as if boiling; the rain fell straight down, heavy as lead; it swirled around the deck, poured off the masts, gurgled, sobbed, splashed, murmured in the blind night. Our lamp burned low. Hollis, shirtless, lay sprawled out on the lockers, with closed eyes and motionless like a stripped corpse; at his head, Jackson strummed the guitar and let out sighs in a mournful dirge about unrequited love and eyes like stars. Then we heard startled voices on deck calling in the rain, hurried footsteps overhead, and suddenly Karain appeared in the doorway of the cabin. His bare chest and face glistened in the light; his soaked sarong clung to his legs; he had his sheathed kriss in his left hand; and wet strands of hair, escaping from under his red kerchief, fell over his eyes and cheeks. He stepped in with a hasty stride, looking over his shoulder as if he were being chased. Hollis quickly turned on his side and opened his eyes. Jackson clapped his big hand over the strings and the jingling vibration abruptly stopped. I stood up.

“We did not hear your boat’s hail!” I exclaimed.

"We didn't hear your boat's call!" I exclaimed.

“Boat! The man’s swum off,” drawled out Hollis from the locker. “Look at him!”

“Boat! That guy swam off,” Hollis called out from the locker. “Check him out!”

He breathed heavily, wild-eyed, while we looked at him in silence. Water dripped from him, made a dark pool, and ran crookedly across the cabin floor. We could hear Jackson, who had gone out to drive away our Malay seamen from the doorway of the companion; he swore menacingly in the patter of a heavy shower, and there was a great commotion on deck. The watchmen, scared out of their wits by the glimpse of a shadowy figure leaping over the rail, straight out of the night as it were, had alarmed all hands.

He breathed heavily, his eyes wide with fear, while we stared at him in silence. Water dripped off him, creating a dark puddle that flowed unevenly across the cabin floor. We could hear Jackson, who had gone outside to chase away our Malay crew from the doorway of the companionway; he was cursing angrily in the downpour, and there was a lot of noise on deck. The watchmen, terrified by the sight of a shadowy figure jumping over the rail, as if out of the night itself, had alerted everyone on board.

Then Jackson, with glittering drops of water on his hair and beard, came back looking angry, and Hollis, who, being the youngest of us, assumed an indolent superiority, said without stirring, “Give him a dry sarong—give him mine; it’s hanging up in the bathroom.” Karain laid the kriss on the table, hilt inwards, and murmured a few words in a strangled voice.

Then Jackson, with shiny droplets of water on his hair and beard, came back looking upset, and Hollis, who, being the youngest of us, wore an air of lazy superiority, said without moving, “Give him a dry sarong—give him mine; it’s hanging up in the bathroom.” Karain placed the kriss on the table, hilt facing inwards, and murmured a few words in a choked voice.

“What’s that?” asked Hollis, who had not heard.

“What’s that?” Hollis asked, not having heard.

“He apologizes for coming in with a weapon in his hand,” I said, dazedly.

“He apologizes for coming in with a weapon in his hand,” I said, feeling a bit out of it.

“Ceremonious beggar. Tell him we forgive a friend . . . on such a night,” drawled out Hollis. “What’s wrong?”

“Ceremonious beggar. Tell him we forgive a friend . . . on such a night,” drawled out Hollis. “What’s wrong?”

Karain slipped the dry sarong over his head, dropped the wet one at his feet, and stepped out of it. I pointed to the wooden armchair—his armchair. He sat down very straight, said “Ha!” in a strong voice; a short shiver shook his broad frame. He looked over his shoulder uneasily, turned as if to speak to us, but only stared in a curious blind manner, and again looked back. Jackson bellowed out, “Watch well on deck there!” heard a faint answer from above, and reaching out with his foot slammed-to the cabin door.

Karain slipped the dry sarong over his head, dropped the wet one at his feet, and stepped out of it. I pointed to the wooden armchair—his armchair. He sat down straight, said “Ha!” in a strong voice; a short shiver shook his broad frame. He looked over his shoulder uneasily, turned as if to speak to us, but just stared in a curious, blank way, and looked back again. Jackson yelled, “Keep an eye on the deck!” heard a faint response from above, and reached out with his foot to slam the cabin door shut.

“All right now,” he said.

"Okay now," he said.

Karain’s lips moved slightly. A vivid flash of lightning made the two round stern-ports facing him glimmer like a pair of cruel and phosphorescent eyes. The flame of the lamp seemed to wither into brown dust for an instant, and the looking-glass over the little sideboard leaped out behind his back in a smooth sheet of livid light. The roll of thunder came near, crashed over us; the schooner trembled, and the great voice went on, threatening terribly, into the distance. For less than a minute a furious shower rattled on the decks. Karain looked slowly from face to face, and then the silence became so profound that we all could hear distinctly the two chronometers in my cabin ticking along with unflagging speed against one another.

Karain’s lips barely moved. A bright flash of lightning made the two round stern windows in front of him shine like a pair of cruel, glowing eyes. The light from the lamp seemed to fade into brown dust for a moment, and the mirror above the small sideboard burst into view behind him with a smooth sheet of pale light. The rumble of thunder grew closer, crashing over us; the schooner shuddered, and the loud sound continued, ominously, into the distance. For less than a minute, a fierce rain pounded on the decks. Karain slowly looked from one face to another, and then the silence became so deep that we could all distinctly hear the two chronometers in my cabin ticking away steadily against each other.

And we three, strangely moved, could not take our eyes from him. He had become enigmatical and touching, in virtue of that mysterious cause that had driven him through the night and through the thunderstorm to the shelter of the schooner’s cuddy. Not one of us doubted that we were looking at a fugitive, incredible as it appeared to us. He was haggard, as though he had not slept for weeks; he had become lean, as though he had not eaten for days. His cheeks were hollow, his eyes sunk, the muscles of his chest and arms twitched slightly as if after an exhausting contest. Of course it had been a long swim off to the schooner; but his face showed another kind of fatigue, the tormented weariness, the anger and the fear of a struggle against a thought, an idea—against something that cannot be grappled, that never rests—a shadow, a nothing, unconquerable and immortal, that preys upon life. We knew it as though he had shouted it at us. His chest expanded time after time, as if it could not contain the beating of his heart. For a moment he had the power of the possessed—the power to awaken in the beholders wonder, pain, pity, and a fearful near sense of things invisible, of things dark and mute, that surround the loneliness of mankind. His eyes roamed about aimlessly for a moment, then became still. He said with effort—

And the three of us, oddly moved, couldn’t look away from him. He had become mysterious and poignant because of the unknown reason that had driven him through the night and the thunderstorm to the shelter of the schooner’s cabin. None of us doubted that we were looking at a fugitive, no matter how unbelievable it seemed to us. He looked worn out, as if he hadn’t slept in weeks; he had become thin, as if he hadn’t eaten in days. His cheeks were hollow, his eyes sunken, and the muscles in his chest and arms twitched slightly as if he had just come out of a tough fight. Of course, it had been a long swim to reach the schooner; but his face showed a different kind of exhaustion—the tortured weariness, the anger, and the fear of battling against a thought, an idea—against something that can’t be fought, that never stops—a shadow, a void, unbeatable and eternal, that feeds on life. We understood it as if he had shouted it at us. His chest heaved repeatedly, as if it couldn’t hold the rhythm of his heart. For a moment, he had the intensity of someone possessed—an ability to evoke in us wonder, pain, pity, and a chilling awareness of the unseen, dark, and silent things that envelop humanity’s loneliness. His eyes wandered aimlessly for a moment before settling. He spoke with effort—

“I came here . . . I leaped out of my stockade as after a defeat. I ran in the night. The water was black. I left him calling on the edge of black water. . . . I left him standing alone on the beach. I swam . . . he called out after me . . . I swam . . .”

“I came here . . . I jumped out of my enclosure like someone fleeing after a loss. I ran into the night. The water was dark. I left him shouting at the edge of the dark water. . . . I left him standing alone on the shore. I swam . . . he called out after me . . . I swam . . .”

He trembled from head to foot, sitting very upright and gazing straight before him. Left whom? Who called? We did not know. We could not understand. I said at all hazards—

He shook all over, sitting up straight and staring straight ahead. Left whom? Who called? We had no idea. We couldn't figure it out. I said at all costs—

“Be firm.”

"Stay strong."

The sound of my voice seemed to steady him into a sudden rigidity, but otherwise he took no notice. He seemed to listen, to expect something for a moment, then went on—

The sound of my voice seemed to make him suddenly rigid, but otherwise he didn’t pay attention. He seemed to listen, to expect something for a moment, then continued—

“He cannot come here—therefore I sought you. You men with white faces who despise the invisible voices. He cannot abide your unbelief and your strength.”

“He can’t come here—so I looked for you. You men with pale faces who look down on the unseen voices. He can’t stand your disbelief and your power.”

He was silent for a while, then exclaimed softly—

He was quiet for a moment, then said softly—

“Oh! the strength of unbelievers!”

“Oh! the power of skeptics!”

“There’s no one here but you—and we three,” said Hollis, quietly. He reclined with his head supported on elbow and did not budge.

“There’s no one here but you—and us three,” said Hollis quietly. He leaned back with his head resting on his elbow and didn’t move.

“I know,” said Karain. “He has never followed me here. Was not the wise man ever by my side? But since the old wise man, who knew of my trouble, has died, I have heard the voice every night. I shut myself up—for many days—in the dark. I can hear the sorrowful murmurs of women, the whisper of the wind, of the running waters; the clash of weapons in the hands of faithful men, their footsteps—and his voice! . . . Near . . . So! In my ear! I felt him near . . . His breath passed over my neck. I leaped out without a cry. All about me men slept quietly. I ran to the sea. He ran by my side without footsteps, whispering, whispering old words—whispering into my ear in his old voice. I ran into the sea; I swam off to you, with my kriss between my teeth. I, armed, I fled before a breath—to you. Take me away to your land. The wise old man has died, and with him is gone the power of his words and charms. And I can tell no one. No one. There is no one here faithful enough and wise enough to know. It is only near you, unbelievers, that my trouble fades like a mist under the eye of day.”

“I know,” said Karain. “He has never followed me here. Wasn't the wise man always by my side? But ever since the old wise man, who understood my struggles, has passed away, I’ve been hearing the voice every night. I locked myself away—in the dark—for many days. I can hear the sad whispers of women, the breeze, the flowing water; the clash of weapons in the hands of loyal men, their footsteps—and his voice! . . . Nearby . . . Yes! Right in my ear! I felt him close . . . His breath brushed against my neck. I jumped up without making a sound. All around me, men slept peacefully. I ran toward the sea. He ran along beside me without making a sound, whispering, whispering old words—whispering in my ear with his familiar voice. I jumped into the sea; I swam out to you, with my kriss clenched between my teeth. I, armed, fled from a breath—to you. Take me away to your land. The wise old man has died, and with him, the power of his words and charms has vanished. I can’t tell anyone. No one. There’s no one here who is loyal enough or wise enough to understand. It’s only near you, nonbelievers, that my troubles fade like a mist under the sun.”

He turned to me.

He looked at me.

“With you I go!” he cried in a contained voice. “With you, who know so many of us. I want to leave this land—my people . . . and him—there!”

“I'm coming with you!” he shouted in a restrained tone. “I'm going with you, who knows so many of us. I want to leave this place—my people . . . and him—there!”

He pointed a shaking finger at random over his shoulder. It was hard for us to bear the intensity of that undisclosed distress. Hollis stared at him hard. I asked gently—

He pointed a trembling finger randomly over his shoulder. It was tough for us to handle the intensity of that unspoken pain. Hollis stared at him intently. I asked softly—

“Where is the danger?”

"What's the danger?"

“Everywhere outside this place,” he answered, mournfully. “In every place where I am. He waits for me on the paths, under the trees, in the place where I sleep—everywhere but here.”

“Everywhere outside this place,” he replied, sadly. “In every place I go. He waits for me on the paths, under the trees, in the spot where I sleep—everywhere but here.”

He looked round the little cabin, at the painted beams, at the tarnished varnish of bulkheads; he looked round as if appealing to all its shabby strangeness, to the disorderly jumble of unfamiliar things that belong to an inconceivable life of stress, of power, of endeavour, of unbelief—to the strong life of white men, which rolls on irresistible and hard on the edge of outer darkness. He stretched out his arms as if to embrace it and us. We waited. The wind and rain had ceased, and the stillness of the night round the schooner was as dumb and complete as if a dead world had been laid to rest in a grave of clouds. We expected him to speak. The necessity within him tore at his lips. There are those who say that a native will not speak to a white man. Error. No man will speak to his master; but to a wanderer and a friend, to him who does not come to teach or to rule, to him who asks for nothing and accepts all things, words are spoken by the camp-fires, in the shared solitude of the sea, in riverside villages, in resting-places surrounded by forests—words are spoken that take no account of race or colour. One heart speaks—another one listens; and the earth, the sea, the sky, the passing wind and the stirring leaf, hear also the futile tale of the burden of life.

He looked around the small cabin, at the painted beams, at the worn varnish on the bulkheads; he scanned the space as if reaching out to all its shabby oddities, to the chaotic mix of unfamiliar objects that belong to an unbelievable life filled with stress, power, effort, and disbelief—to the strong life of white men, which moves forward relentlessly and harshly on the brink of outer darkness. He stretched out his arms as if to embrace it and us. We waited. The wind and rain had stopped, and the stillness of the night around the schooner was as silent and complete as if a dead world had been laid to rest under a blanket of clouds. We expected him to speak. The need within him strained at his lips. There are those who say that a native won’t speak to a white man. That’s wrong. No man will talk to his master; but to a wanderer and a friend, to someone who doesn’t come to teach or control, to someone who asks for nothing and accepts everything, words are shared around campfires, in the shared solitude of the sea, in riverside villages, in resting places surrounded by forests—words are exchanged that don’t consider race or color. One heart speaks—another one listens; and the earth, the sea, the sky, the passing wind, and the rustling leaf hear as well the fruitless story of the weight of life.

He spoke at last. It is impossible to convey the effect of his story. It is undying, it is but a memory, and its vividness cannot be made clear to another mind, any more than the vivid emotions of a dream. One must have seen his innate splendour, one must have known him before—looked at him then. The wavering gloom of the little cabin; the breathless stillness outside, through which only the lapping of water against the schooner’s sides could be heard; Hollis’s pale face, with steady dark eyes; the energetic head of Jackson held up between two big palms, and with the long yellow hair of his beard flowing over the strings of the guitar lying on the table; Karain’s upright and motionless pose, his tone—all this made an impression that cannot be forgotten. He faced us across the table. His dark head and bronze torso appeared above the tarnished slab of wood, gleaming and still as if cast in metal. Only his lips moved, and his eyes glowed, went out, blazed again, or stared mournfully. His expressions came straight from his tormented heart. His words sounded low, in a sad murmur as of running water; at times they rang loud like the clash of a war-gong—or trailed slowly like weary travellers—or rushed forward with the speed of fear.

He finally spoke. It’s impossible to describe the impact of his story. It’s eternal; it’s just a memory, and its vividness can’t be fully understood by someone else, any more than the strong feelings of a dream. You had to have seen his natural brilliance, you had to have known him before—looked at him then. The flickering darkness of the small cabin; the breathless silence outside, where only the sound of water lapping against the sides of the schooner broke through; Hollis’s pale face with those steady dark eyes; Jackson’s energetic head held up between two large hands, with the long yellow hair of his beard flowing over the strings of the guitar lying on the table; Karain’s upright and still posture, his tone—everything made an impression that doesn’t fade. He faced us across the table. His dark head and bronze torso rose above the worn wooden surface, shining and still like they were made of metal. Only his lips moved, and his eyes sparkled, dimmed, flared up again, or stared sadly. His expressions came straight from his troubled heart. His words were quiet, flowing like a soft murmur; at times they echoed loudly like the striking of a war gong—or drifted slowly like exhausted travelers—or rushed forward with the urgency of fear.

IV

IV

This is, imperfectly, what he said—

This is, not perfectly, what he said—

“It was after the great trouble that broke the alliance of the four states of Wajo. We fought amongst ourselves, and the Dutch watched from afar till we were weary. Then the smoke of their fire-ships was seen at the mouth of our rivers, and their great men came in boats full of soldiers to talk to us of protection and peace. We answered with caution and wisdom, for our villages were burnt, our stockades weak, the people weary, and the weapons blunt. They came and went; there had been much talk, but after they went away everything seemed to be as before, only their ships remained in sight from our coast, and very soon their traders came amongst us under a promise of safety. My brother was a Ruler, and one of those who had given the promise. I was young then, and had fought in the war, and Pata Matara had fought by my side. We had shared hunger, danger, fatigue, and victory. His eyes saw my danger quickly, and twice my arm had preserved his life. It was his destiny. He was my friend. And he was great amongst us—one of those who were near my brother, the Ruler. He spoke in council, his courage was great, he was the chief of many villages round the great lake that is in the middle of our country as the heart is in the middle of a man’s body. When his sword was carried into a campong in advance of his coming, the maidens whispered wonderingly under the fruit-trees, the rich men consulted together in the shade, and a feast was made ready with rejoicing and songs. He had the favour of the Ruler and the affection of the poor. He loved war, deer hunts, and the charms of women. He was the possessor of jewels, of lucky weapons, and of men’s devotion. He was a fierce man; and I had no other friend.

“It was after the major conflict that shattered the alliance of the four states of Wajo. We fought among ourselves while the Dutch watched from a distance until we were exhausted. Then we saw the smoke from their fire-ships at the mouths of our rivers, and their leaders approached in boats filled with soldiers to discuss protection and peace with us. We responded cautiously and wisely because our villages were burned, our defenses weak, the people tired, and our weapons dull. They came and went; there was a lot of talk, but after they left, everything seemed to return to how it was before, with only their ships still visible from our shores, and soon their traders came to us under a promise of safety. My brother was a Ruler and one of those who made that promise. I was young then, having fought in the war, with Pata Matara fighting by my side. We had faced hunger, danger, fatigue, and victory together. He quickly recognized my risks, and twice my strength had saved his life. It was his destiny. He was my friend. And he was respected among us—one of those close to my brother, the Ruler. He spoke at the council, he was very brave, and he was the chief of many villages around the great lake at the center of our country, like the heart in a man’s body. When his sword was presented in a campong before his arrival, the young women whispered in awe under the fruit trees, the wealthy men huddled together in the shade, and a feast was prepared with joy and songs. He had the favor of the Ruler and the admiration of the less fortunate. He loved battles, deer hunts, and the allure of women. He owned jewels, fortunate weapons, and garnered the loyalty of men. He was a fierce man; and I had no other friend.”

“I was the chief of a stockade at the mouth of the river, and collected tolls for my brother from the passing boats. One day I saw a Dutch trader go up the river. He went up with three boats, and no toll was demanded from him, because the smoke of Dutch war-ships stood out from the open sea, and we were too weak to forget treaties. He went up under the promise of safety, and my brother gave him protection. He said he came to trade. He listened to our voices, for we are men who speak openly and without fear; he counted the number of our spears, he examined the trees, the running waters, the grasses of the bank, the slopes of our hills. He went up to Matara’s country and obtained permission to build a house. He traded and planted. He despised our joys, our thoughts, and our sorrows. His face was red, his hair like flame, and his eyes pale, like a river mist; he moved heavily, and spoke with a deep voice; he laughed aloud like a fool, and knew no courtesy in his speech. He was a big, scornful man, who looked into women’s faces and put his hand on the shoulders of free men as though he had been a noble-born chief. We bore with him. Time passed.

“I was in charge of a stockade at the mouth of the river, collecting tolls for my brother from passing boats. One day, I saw a Dutch trader heading up the river. He came with three boats, and we didn’t demand any toll from him because the smoke from Dutch warships was visible from the open sea, and we were too weak to ignore treaties. He went up under the promise of safety, and my brother offered him protection. He said he was there to trade. He listened to us, as we are men who speak openly and without fear; he counted our spears, examined the trees, the flowing waters, the grasses along the bank, and the slopes of our hills. He traveled to Matara’s territory and got permission to build a house. He traded and planted. He looked down on our joys, our thoughts, and our sorrows. His face was red, his hair was like fire, and his eyes were pale, like fog over a river; he moved heavily and spoke in a deep voice; he laughed loudly like a fool and showed no courtesy in his speech. He was a large, contemptuous man who looked directly into women’s faces and placed his hand on the shoulders of free men as if he were a noble-born chief. We put up with him. Time passed.

“Then Pata Matara’s sister fled from the campong and went to live in the Dutchman’s house. She was a great and wilful lady: I had seen her once carried high on slaves’ shoulders amongst the people, with uncovered face, and I had heard all men say that her beauty was extreme, silencing the reason and ravishing the heart of the beholders. The people were dismayed; Matara’s face was blackened with that disgrace, for she knew she had been promised to another man. Matara went to the Dutchman’s house, and said, ‘Give her up to die—she is the daughter of chiefs.’ The white man refused and shut himself up, while his servants kept guard night and day with loaded guns. Matara raged. My brother called a council. But the Dutch ships were near, and watched our coast greedily. My brother said, ‘If he dies now our land will pay for his blood. Leave him alone till we grow stronger and the ships are gone.’ Matara was wise; he waited and watched. But the white man feared for her life and went away.

“Then Pata Matara’s sister ran away from the village and moved into the Dutchman’s house. She was an impressive and strong-willed woman: I had once seen her being carried high on slaves’ shoulders among the crowd, with her face uncovered, and I had heard everyone say that her beauty was extraordinary, capturing attention and stealing the hearts of those who saw her. The people were alarmed; Matara’s reputation was tarnished by that shame, as she knew she had been promised to another man. Matara went to the Dutchman’s house and said, ‘Give her up to die—she is the daughter of chiefs.’ The white man refused and locked himself inside, while his servants guarded him day and night with loaded guns. Matara was furious. My brother called a council. But the Dutch ships were nearby, watching our coast hungrily. My brother said, ‘If he dies now, our land will pay dearly for his blood. Leave him alone until we are stronger and the ships are gone.’ Matara was wise; he waited and observed. But the white man was worried for her safety and left.”

“He left his house, his plantations, and his goods! He departed, armed and menacing, and left all—for her! She had ravished his heart! From my stockade I saw him put out to sea in a big boat. Matara and I watched him from the fighting platform behind the pointed stakes. He sat cross-legged, with his gun in his hands, on the roof at the stern of his prau. The barrel of his rifle glinted aslant before his big red face. The broad river was stretched under him—level, smooth, shining, like a plain of silver; and his prau, looking very short and black from the shore, glided along the silver plain and over into the blue of the sea.

“He left his house, his farms, and his belongings! He set off, armed and dangerous, and left everything—for her! She had stolen his heart! From my lookout, I saw him head out to sea in a large boat. Matara and I watched him from the fighting platform behind the sharp stakes. He sat cross-legged, with his gun in his hands, on the roof at the back of his boat. The barrel of his rifle glimmered in the light before his big red face. The wide river lay beneath him—flat, smooth, shiny, like a sheet of silver; and his boat, looking very short and dark from the shore, glided along the silver expanse and out into the blue of the sea.

“Thrice Matara, standing by my side, called aloud her name with grief and imprecations. He stirred my heart. It leaped three times; and three times with the eyes of my mind I saw in the gloom within the enclosed space of the prau a woman with streaming hair going away from her land and her people. I was angry—and sorry. Why? And then I also cried out insults and threats. Matara said, ‘Now they have left our land their lives are mind. I shall follow and strike—and, alone, pay the price of blood.’ A great wind was sweeping towards the setting sun over the empty river. I cried, ‘By your side I will go!’ He lowered his head in sign of assent. It was his destiny. The sun had set, and the trees swayed their boughs with a great noise above our heads.

“Three times Matara, standing next to me, shouted her name filled with sadness and curses. It stirred my heart. It raced three times; and three times I saw in my mind's eye, in the darkness of the prau, a woman with flowing hair leaving her land and her people. I felt anger—and regret. Why? And then I yelled insults and threats too. Matara said, ‘Now that they’ve left our land, their lives are mine. I will follow and strike—and I will pay the price of blood alone.’ A strong wind was blowing towards the setting sun over the empty river. I shouted, ‘I will go with you!’ He nodded as a sign of agreement. It was his fate. The sun had set, and the trees swayed their branches with a loud noise above us.”

“On the third night we two left our land together in a trading prau.

“On the third night, we left our land together in a trading boat.”

“The sea met us—the sea, wide, pathless, and without voice. A sailing prau leaves no track. We went south. The moon was full; and, looking up, we said to one another, ‘When the next moon shines as this one, we shall return and they will be dead.’ It was fifteen years ago. Many moons have grown full and withered and I have not seen my land since. We sailed south; we overtook many praus; we examined the creeks and the bays; we saw the end of our coast, of our island—a steep cape over a disturbed strait, where drift the shadows of shipwrecked praus and drowned men clamour in the night. The wide sea was all round us now. We saw a great mountain burning in the midst of water; we saw thousands of islets scattered like bits of iron fired from a big gun; we saw a long coast of mountain and lowlands stretching away in sunshine from west to east. It was Java. We said, ‘They are there; their time is near, and we shall return or die cleansed from dishonour.’

The sea met us—the sea, vast, trackless, and silent. A sailing boat leaves no trace. We headed south. The moon was full; looking up, we said to each other, “When the next moon shines like this one, we’ll return and they will be dead.” That was fifteen years ago. Many moons have come and gone, and I haven’t seen my homeland since. We sailed south; we caught up with many boats; we explored the creeks and bays; we reached the end of our coast, our island—a steep cape overlooking a tumultuous strait, where the shadows of shipwrecked boats drift and the cries of drowned men echo in the night. The vast sea surrounded us now. We saw a great mountain ablaze in the middle of the water; we saw thousands of islets scattered like bits of shrapnel from a cannon; we saw a long stretch of mountain and lowlands glowing in sunlight from west to east. It was Java. We said, “They are there; their time is near, and we will either return or die free of dishonor.”

“We landed. Is there anything good in that country? The paths run straight and hard and dusty. Stone campongs, full of white faces, are surrounded by fertile fields, but every man you meet is a slave. The rulers live under the edge of a foreign sword. We ascended mountains, we traversed valleys; at sunset we entered villages. We asked everyone, ‘Have you seen such a white man?’ Some stared; others laughed; women gave us food, sometimes, with fear and respect, as though we had been distracted by the visitation of God; but some did not understand our language, and some cursed us, or, yawning, asked with contempt the reason of our quest. Once, as we were going away, an old man called after us, ‘Desist!’

“We landed. Is there anything worthwhile in this country? The roads are straight, hard, and dusty. Settlements filled with white people are surrounded by fertile fields, but every person you meet is a slave. The rulers are living under the threat of a foreign sword. We climbed mountains and crossed valleys; at sunset, we arrived in villages. We asked everyone, ‘Have you seen a white man like this?’ Some stared; others laughed; some women offered us food, at times with fear and respect, as if we were touched by the divine; but some didn’t understand our language, and some cursed us or, yawning, mocked us and asked why we were searching. Once, as we were leaving, an old man called out to us, ‘Stop!’”

“We went on. Concealing our weapons, we stood humbly aside before the horsemen on the road; we bowed low in the courtyards of chiefs who were no better than slaves. We lost ourselves in the fields, in the jungle; and one night, in a tangled forest, we came upon a place where crumbling old walls had fallen amongst the trees, and where strange stone idols—carved images of devils with many arms and legs, with snakes twined round their bodies, with twenty heads and holding a hundred swords—seemed to live and threaten in the light of our camp fire. Nothing dismayed us. And on the road, by every fire, in resting-places, we always talked of her and of him. Their time was near. We spoke of nothing else. No! not of hunger, thirst, weariness, and faltering hearts. No! we spoke of him and her! Of her! And we thought of them—of her! Matara brooded by the fire. I sat and thought and thought, till suddenly I could see again the image of a woman, beautiful, and young, and great and proud, and tender, going away from her land and her people. Matara said, ‘When we find them we shall kill her first to cleanse the dishonour—then the man must die.’ I would say, ‘It shall be so; it is your vengeance.’ He stared long at me with his big sunken eyes.

“We kept going. Hiding our weapons, we stepped aside respectfully for the horsemen on the road; we bowed low in the courtyards of chiefs who were no better than slaves. We got lost in the fields, in the jungle; and one night, in a dense forest, we stumbled upon a place where crumbling old walls had fallen among the trees, and where strange stone idols—carved figures of devils with multiple arms and legs, with snakes twisted around their bodies, with twenty heads and holding a hundred swords—seemed to come alive and threaten in the light of our campfire. Nothing scared us. And on the road, by every fire, in resting spots, we always talked about her and him. Their time was near. We discussed nothing else. No! not about hunger, thirst, exhaustion, and faltering hearts. No! we talked about him and her! About her! And we thought of them—of her! Matara brooded by the fire. I sat and pondered and pondered, until suddenly I could see again the image of a woman, beautiful, young, great, proud, and tender, leaving her land and her people. Matara said, ‘When we find them we will kill her first to cleanse the dishonor—then the man must die.’ I would say, ‘It shall be so; it is your revenge.’ He stared long at me with his deep sunken eyes.”

“We came back to the coast. Our feet were bleeding, our bodies thin. We slept in rags under the shadow of stone enclosures; we prowled, soiled and lean, about the gateways of white men’s courtyards. Their hairy dogs barked at us, and their servants shouted from afar, ‘Begone!’ Low-born wretches, that keep watch over the streets of stone campongs, asked us who we were. We lied, we cringed, we smiled with hate in our hearts, and we kept looking here, looking there for them—for the white man with hair like flame, and for her, for the woman who had broken faith, and therefore must die. We looked. At last in every woman’s face I thought I could see hers. We ran swiftly. No! Sometimes Matara would whisper, ‘Here is the man,’ and we waited, crouching. He came near. It was not the man—those Dutchmen are all alike. We suffered the anguish of deception. In my sleep I saw her face, and was both joyful and sorry . . . . Why? . . . I seemed to hear a whisper near me. I turned swiftly. She was not there! And as we trudged wearily from stone city to stone city I seemed to hear a light footstep near me. A time came when I heard it always, and I was glad. I thought, walking dizzy and weary in sunshine on the hard paths of white men I thought, She is there—with us! . . . Matara was sombre. We were often hungry.

“We returned to the coast. Our feet were bleeding, our bodies thin. We slept in rags under the shadows of stone walls; we wandered, dirty and gaunt, around the entryways of white men’s yards. Their hairy dogs barked at us, and their servants shouted from a distance, ‘Get out!’ Lowly people, who kept watch over the streets of stone villages, asked us who we were. We lied, we cowered, we smiled with hate in our hearts, and we kept searching, looking here and there for them—for the white man with hair like fire, and for her, the woman who had betrayed us and must therefore die. We searched. Finally, I thought I could see her in every woman’s face. We ran quickly. No! Sometimes Matara would whisper, ‘Here is the man,’ and we would wait, crouching. He came close. It was not the man—those Dutchmen all look the same. We suffered the pain of being misled. In my sleep, I saw her face, feeling both happy and sad... Why? ... I seemed to hear a whisper near me. I turned quickly. She was not there! And as we trudged wearily from one stone city to another, I felt like I could hear a light footsteps beside me. There came a time when I heard it all the time, and I felt glad. I thought, walking dizzy and exhausted in the sun on the hard paths of white men, I thought, She is there—with us!... Matara was serious. We were often hungry.”

“We sold the carved sheaths of our krisses—the ivory sheaths with golden ferules. We sold the jewelled hilts. But we kept the blades—for them. The blades that never touch but kill—we kept the blades for her. . . . Why? She was always by our side. . . . We starved. We begged. We left Java at last.

“We sold the carved sheaths of our krisses—the ivory sheaths with golden ferrules. We sold the jeweled hilts. But we kept the blades—for them. The blades that never touch but kill—we kept the blades for her. . . . Why? She was always by our side. . . . We starved. We begged. We finally left Java.”

“We went West, we went East. We saw many lands, crowds of strange faces, men that live in trees and men who eat their old people. We cut rattans in the forest for a handful of rice, and for a living swept the decks of big ships and heard curses heaped upon our heads. We toiled in villages; we wandered upon the seas with the Bajow people, who have no country. We fought for pay; we hired ourselves to work for Goram men, and were cheated; and under the orders of rough white faces we dived for pearls in barren bays, dotted with black rocks, upon a coast of sand and desolation. And everywhere we watched, we listened, we asked. We asked traders, robbers, white men. We heard jeers, mockery, threats—words of wonder and words of contempt. We never knew rest; we never thought of home, for our work was not done. A year passed, then another. I ceased to count the number of nights, of moons, of years. I watched over Matara. He had my last handful of rice; if there was water enough for one he drank it; I covered him up when he shivered with cold; and when the hot sickness came upon him I sat sleepless through many nights and fanned his face. He was a fierce man, and my friend. He spoke of her with fury in the daytime, with sorrow in the dark; he remembered her in health, in sickness. I said nothing; but I saw her every day—always! At first I saw only her head, as of a woman walking in the low mist on a river bank. Then she sat by our fire. I saw her! I looked at her! She had tender eyes and a ravishing face. I murmured to her in the night. Matara said sleepily sometimes, ‘To whom are you talking? Who is there?’ I answered quickly, ‘No one’ . . . It was a lie! She never left me. She shared the warmth of our fire, she sat on my couch of leaves, she swam on the sea to follow me. . . . I saw her! . . . I tell you I saw her long black hair spread behind her upon the moonlit water as she struck out with bare arms by the side of a swift prau. She was beautiful, she was faithful, and in the silence of foreign countries she spoke to me very low in the language of my people. No one saw her; no one heard her; she was mine only! In daylight she moved with a swaying walk before me upon the weary paths; her figure was straight and flexible like the stem of a slender tree; the heels of her feet were round and polished like shells of eggs; with her round arm she made signs. At night she looked into my face. And she was sad! Her eyes were tender and frightened; her voice soft and pleading. Once I murmured to her, ‘You shall not die,’ and she smiled . . . ever after she smiled! . . . She gave me courage to bear weariness and hardships. Those were times of pain, and she soothed me. We wandered patient in our search. We knew deception, false hopes; we knew captivity, sickness, thirst, misery, despair . . . . Enough! We found them! . . .”

“We traveled West, we traveled East. We explored many lands, encountered crowds of unfamiliar faces, men who lived in trees and men who consumed their elders. We cut rattans in the jungle for a handful of rice and earned a living by cleaning the decks of large ships, enduring insults thrown our way. We worked hard in villages; we drifted at sea with the Bajow people, who had no homeland. We fought for money; we worked for Goram men and were cheated; and under the commands of rough white men, we dove for pearls in barren bays, scattered with black rocks, along a desolate sandy coast. And everywhere we looked, we listened, we asked. We asked traders, robbers, white men. We heard jeers, mockery, threats—words of amazement and words of disdain. We never rested; we never thought of home because our work was never finished. A year passed, then another. I lost track of the number of nights, moons, and years. I took care of Matara. He had my last handful of rice; if there was enough water for one person, he drank it; I covered him when he shivered from the cold; and when he fell ill with fever, I sat awake through many nights, fanning his face. He was a fierce man, and my friend. He spoke of her with rage during the day, with sorrow in the dark; he remembered her in health and in sickness. I said nothing; but I saw her every day—always! At first, I only saw her head, like a woman walking in the low mist on a riverbank. Then she sat by our fire. I saw her! I looked at her! She had gentle eyes and a stunning face. I whispered to her at night. Matara sometimes sleepily asked, ‘Who are you talking to? Who's there?’ I quickly replied, ‘No one’ . . . It was a lie! She never left me. She shared the warmth of our fire, she sat on my bed made of leaves, she swam in the sea to follow me. . . . I saw her! . . . I tell you, I saw her long black hair spread behind her on the moonlit water as she swam beside a fast boat. She was beautiful, she was loyal, and in the silence of foreign lands, she spoke to me softly in my native tongue. No one saw her; no one heard her; she was mine alone! In daylight, she moved gracefully before me on the tiring paths; her figure was straight and flexible like the stem of a slender tree; her heels were round and polished like egg shells; with her round arm, she made gestures. At night, she gazed into my face. And she was sad! Her eyes were gentle and scared; her voice soft and imploring. Once I whispered to her, ‘You won’t die,’ and she smiled . . . from then on, she smiled! . . . She gave me strength to bear fatigue and hardship. Those were times of suffering, and she comforted me. We patiently continued our search. We knew deception, false hopes; we experienced captivity, illness, thirst, misery, despair . . . . Enough! We found them! . . .”

He cried out the last words and paused. His face was impassive, and he kept still like a man in a trance. Hollis sat up quickly, and spread his elbows on the table. Jackson made a brusque movement, and accidentally touched the guitar. A plaintive resonance filled the cabin with confused vibrations and died out slowly. Then Karain began to speak again. The restrained fierceness of his tone seemed to rise like a voice from outside, like a thing unspoken but heard; it filled the cabin and enveloped in its intense and deadened murmur the motionless figure in the chair.

He shouted his last words and paused. His face was expressionless, and he remained still like someone in a daze. Hollis quickly sat up and rested his elbows on the table. Jackson made a quick movement and accidentally touched the guitar. A mournful sound filled the cabin with mixed vibrations and faded away slowly. Then Karain started to speak again. The contained intensity of his voice seemed to rise like something from outside, like an unspoken thought that was somehow heard; it filled the cabin and wrapped the motionless figure in the chair in its deep, muffled murmur.

“We were on our way to Atjeh, where there was war; but the vessel ran on a sandbank, and we had to land in Delli. We had earned a little money, and had bought a gun from some Selangore traders; only one gun, which was fired by the spark of a stone; Matara carried it. We landed. Many white men lived there, planting tobacco on conquered plains, and Matara . . . But no matter. He saw him! . . . The Dutchman! . . . At last! . . . We crept and watched. Two nights and a day we watched. He had a house—a big house in a clearing in the midst of his fields; flowers and bushes grew around; there were narrow paths of yellow earth between the cut grass, and thick hedges to keep people out. The third night we came armed, and lay behind a hedge.

“We were headed to Atjeh, where there was a war; but the ship ran aground on a sandbank, and we had to land in Delli. We had made a little money and bought a gun from some Selangore traders; just one gun, which was fired by striking a stone; Matara carried it. We disembarked. Many white men lived there, growing tobacco on conquered land, and Matara . . . But never mind. He saw him! . . . The Dutchman! . . . Finally! . . . We crept and watched. We observed for two nights and a day. He owned a big house—a large house in a clearing among his fields; flowers and bushes grew around it; there were narrow paths of yellow earth between the cut grass, and thick hedges to keep people out. On the third night, we came armed and hid behind a hedge.

“A heavy dew seemed to soak through our flesh and made our very entrails cold. The grass, the twigs, the leaves, covered with drops of water, were gray in the moonlight. Matara, curled up in the grass, shivered in his sleep. My teeth rattled in my head so loud that I was afraid the noise would wake up all the land. Afar, the watchmen of white men’s houses struck wooden clappers and hooted in the darkness. And, as every night, I saw her by my side. She smiled no more! . . . The fire of anguish burned in my breast, and she whispered to me with compassion, with pity, softly—as women will; she soothed the pain of my mind; she bent her face over me—the face of a woman who ravishes the hearts and silences the reason of men. She was all mine, and no one could see her—no one of living mankind! Stars shone through her bosom, through her floating hair. I was overcome with regret, with tenderness, with sorrow. Matara slept . . . Had I slept? Matara was shaking me by the shoulder, and the fire of the sun was drying the grass, the bushes, the leaves. It was day. Shreds of white mist hung between the branches of trees.

A heavy dew seemed to soak into our skin, making us feel cold to the core. The grass, twigs, and leaves glistened with water drops and appeared gray in the moonlight. Matara, curled up in the grass, shivered in his sleep. My teeth chattered so loudly that I feared the noise would wake up the entire land. In the distance, the watchmen of the white men’s houses clapped wooden sticks together and hooted in the darkness. And, like every night, I saw her by my side. She no longer smiled! . . . The fire of anguish burned in my chest as she spoke to me gently, with sympathy and pity, softly—as women do; she eased my troubled mind; she leaned over me—the face of a woman who captivates hearts and silences reason. She was entirely mine, and no one could see her—none of the living! Stars glimmered through her chest and her flowing hair. I was overwhelmed with regret, tenderness, and sorrow. Matara was asleep . . . Had I been sleeping too? Matara was shaking me by the shoulder, and the sun’s heat was drying the grass, bushes, and leaves. It was daytime. Wisps of white mist hung between the branches of the trees.

“Was it night or day? I saw nothing again till I heard Matara breathe quickly where he lay, and then outside the house I saw her. I saw them both. They had come out. She sat on a bench under the wall, and twigs laden with flowers crept high above her head, hung over her hair. She had a box on her lap, and gazed into it, counting the increase of her pearls. The Dutchman stood by looking on; he smiled down at her; his white teeth flashed; the hair on his lip was like two twisted flames. He was big and fat, and joyous, and without fear. Matara tipped fresh priming from the hollow of his palm, scraped the flint with his thumb-nail, and gave the gun to me. To me! I took it . . . O fate!

“Was it night or day? I saw nothing again until I heard Matara breathe quickly where he lay, and then outside the house, I saw her. I saw them both. They had come out. She sat on a bench under the wall, and branches heavy with flowers reached high above her head, hanging over her hair. She had a box on her lap and was looking into it, counting her pearls. The Dutchman stood by, watching; he smiled down at her, his white teeth shining; the hair on his lip looked like two twisted flames. He was big and fat, joyful, and fearless. Matara tipped fresh powder from the hollow of his palm, scraped the flint with his thumbnail, and handed the gun to me. To me! I took it... Oh, fate!

“He whispered into my ear, lying on his stomach, ‘I shall creep close and then amok . . . let her die by my hand. You take aim at the fat swine there. Let him see me strike my shame off the face of the earth—and then . . . you are my friend—kill with a sure shot.’ I said nothing; there was no air in my chest—there was no air in the world. Matara had gone suddenly from my side. The grass nodded. Then a bush rustled. She lifted her head.

“He whispered in my ear, lying on his stomach, ‘I’ll sneak closer and then go wild . . . let her die by my hand. You focus on that fat pig over there. Let him watch me wipe my shame off the face of the earth—and then . . . you’re my friend—take the shot for sure.’ I didn’t say anything; there was no air in my chest—there was no air in the world. Matara had suddenly vanished from my side. The grass swayed. Then a bush rustled. She lifted her head.

“I saw her! The consoler of sleepless nights, of weary days; the companion of troubled years! I saw her! She looked straight at the place where I crouched. She was there as I had seen her for years—a faithful wanderer by my side. She looked with sad eyes and had smiling lips; she looked at me . . . Smiling lips! Had I not promised that she should not die!

“I saw her! The comforter of sleepless nights, of tired days; the companion of troubled years! I saw her! She looked right at the spot where I was hiding. She was there just as I had seen her for years—a loyal presence by my side. She looked at me with sad eyes and had smiling lips; she looked at me . . . Smiling lips! Had I not promised that she would not die!

“She was far off and I felt her near. Her touch caressed me, and her voice murmured, whispered above me, around me. ‘Who shall be thy companion, who shall console thee if I die?’ I saw a flowering thicket to the left of her stir a little . . . Matara was ready . . . I cried aloud—‘Return!’

“She was distant, yet I felt her close. Her touch reached out to me, and her voice softly murmured, whispered above and around me. ‘Who will be your companion, who will comfort you if I’m gone?’ I noticed a flowering thicket to her left move slightly . . . Matara was prepared . . . I shouted—‘Come back!’”

“She leaped up; the box fell; the pearls streamed at her feet. The big Dutchman by her side rolled menacing eyes through the still sunshine. The gun went up to my shoulder. I was kneeling and I was firm—firmer than the trees, the rocks, the mountains. But in front of the steady long barrel the fields, the house, the earth, the sky swayed to and fro like shadows in a forest on a windy day. Matara burst out of the thicket; before him the petals of torn flowers whirled high as if driven by a tempest. I heard her cry; I saw her spring with open arms in front of the white man. She was a woman of my country and of noble blood. They are so! I heard her shriek of anguish and fear—and all stood still! The fields, the house, the earth, the sky stood still—while Matara leaped at her with uplifted arm. I pulled the trigger, saw a spark, heard nothing; the smoke drove back into my face, and then I could see Matara roll over head first and lie with stretched arms at her feet. Ha! A sure shot! The sunshine fell on my back colder than the running water. A sure shot! I flung the gun after the shot. Those two stood over the dead man as though they had been bewitched by a charm. I shouted at her, ‘Live and remember!’ Then for a time I stumbled about in a cold darkness.

“She jumped up; the box fell; the pearls scattered at her feet. The large Dutchman next to her glared with threatening eyes in the still sunshine. I raised the gun to my shoulder. I was kneeling and steady—steadier than the trees, the rocks, the mountains. But in front of the steady long barrel, the fields, the house, the earth, the sky swayed back and forth like shadows in a forest on a windy day. Matara burst out of the thicket; petals of torn flowers swirled high, as if whipped up by a storm. I heard her cry; I saw her leap with open arms in front of the white man. She was a woman of my country and noble lineage. They really are! I heard her cry of anguish and fear—and everything froze! The fields, the house, the earth, the sky were still—while Matara lunged at her with her arm raised. I pulled the trigger, saw a spark, heard nothing; the smoke blew back into my face, and then I saw Matara tumble headfirst and lie with her arms outstretched at her feet. Ha! A perfect shot! The sunshine felt colder on my back than running water. A perfect shot! I threw the gun aside after the shot. Those two stood over the dead man as if they had been enchanted. I shouted at her, ‘Live and remember!’ Then for a while, I wandered in a cold darkness.

“Behind me there were great shouts, the running of many feet; strange men surrounded me, cried meaningless words into my face, pushed me, dragged me, supported me . . . I stood before the big Dutchman: he stared as if bereft of his reason. He wanted to know, he talked fast, he spoke of gratitude, he offered me food, shelter, gold—he asked many questions. I laughed in his face. I said, ‘I am a Korinchi traveller from Perak over there, and know nothing of that dead man. I was passing along the path when I heard a shot, and your senseless people rushed out and dragged me here.’ He lifted his arms, he wondered, he could not believe, he could not understand, he clamoured in his own tongue! She had her arms clasped round his neck, and over her shoulder stared back at me with wide eyes. I smiled and looked at her; I smiled and waited to hear the sound of her voice. The white man asked her suddenly. ‘Do you know him?’ I listened—my life was in my ears! She looked at me long, she looked at me with unflinching eyes, and said aloud, ‘No! I never saw him before.’ . . . What! Never before? Had she forgotten already? Was it possible? Forgotten already—after so many years—so many years of wandering, of companionship, of trouble, of tender words! Forgotten already! . . . I tore myself out from the hands that held me and went away without a word . . . They let me go.

“Behind me, there were loud shouts and the sound of many running feet; strange men surrounded me, shouted meaningless things at me, pushed me, dragged me, supported me... I stood in front of the big Dutchman: he stared at me as if he had lost his mind. He wanted to know, he spoke quickly, he talked about gratitude, he offered me food, shelter, gold—he asked me lots of questions. I laughed in his face. I said, ‘I’m a Korinchi traveler from Perak over there, and I know nothing about that dead man. I was walking along the path when I heard a gunshot, and your chaotic people rushed out and dragged me here.’ He raised his arms, bewildered; he couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t understand, he shouted in his own language! She had her arms wrapped around his neck, and over her shoulder, she stared back at me with wide eyes. I smiled at her; I smiled and waited to hear her voice. The white man suddenly asked her, ‘Do you know him?’ I listened—my life was in my ears! She looked at me for a long time, her gaze steady, and said out loud, ‘No! I’ve never seen him before.’... What! Never before? Had she already forgotten? Was it possible? Forgotten already—after so many years—so many years of wandering, of companionship, of struggles, of tender words! Forgotten already!... I tore myself away from the hands that were holding me and walked away without a word... They let me go."

“I was weary. Did I sleep? I do not know. I remember walking upon a broad path under a clear starlight; and that strange country seemed so big, the rice-fields so vast, that, as I looked around, my head swam with the fear of space. Then I saw a forest. The joyous starlight was heavy upon me. I turned off the path and entered the forest, which was very sombre and very sad.”

"I was tired. Did I sleep? I don't know. I remember walking on a wide path under clear starlight; and that strange land felt so huge, the rice fields so endless, that as I looked around, I felt dizzy with the fear of vastness. Then I saw a forest. The cheerful starlight felt heavy on me. I stepped off the path and entered the forest, which was very dark and very sad."

V

V

Karain’s tone had been getting lower and lower, as though he had been going away from us, till the last words sounded faint but clear, as if shouted on a calm day from a very great distance. He moved not. He stared fixedly past the motionless head of Hollis, who faced him, as still as himself. Jackson had turned sideways, and with elbow on the table shaded his eyes with the palm of his hand. And I looked on, surprised and moved; I looked at that man, loyal to a vision, betrayed by his dream, spurned by his illusion, and coming to us unbelievers for help—against a thought. The silence was profound; but it seemed full of noiseless phantoms, of things sorrowful, shadowy, and mute, in whose invisible presence the firm, pulsating beat of the two ship’s chronometers ticking off steadily the seconds of Greenwich Time seemed to me a protection and a relief. Karain stared stonily; and looking at his rigid figure, I thought of his wanderings, of that obscure Odyssey of revenge, of all the men that wander amongst illusions faithful, faithless; of the illusions that give joy, that give sorrow, that give pain, that give peace; of the invincible illusions that can make life and death appear serene, inspiring, tormented, or ignoble.

Karain’s voice had been getting quieter and quieter, as if he were drifting away from us, until his last words sounded faint but clear, like they were shouted on a calm day from a great distance. He didn’t move. He stared intently past Hollis, who was facing him, as still as he was. Jackson had turned sideways, resting his elbow on the table and shading his eyes with his palm. I watched, surprised and moved; I looked at that man, devoted to a vision, betrayed by his dream, cast aside by his illusion, and seeking help from us nonbelievers—against a thought. The silence was deep; yet it felt filled with silent shadows, of sorrowful, hazy, and mute things, in whose invisible presence the steady ticking of the two ship’s chronometers marking Greenwich Time felt like a shield and a comfort. Karain stared expressionless; and as I looked at his stiff figure, I thought about his journeys, that mysterious quest for revenge, about all the people wandering among illusions, both faithful and unfaithful; about the illusions that bring joy, sorrow, pain, and peace; about the relentless illusions that can make life and death seem calm, inspiring, tormented, or base.

A murmur was heard; that voice from outside seemed to flow out of a dreaming world into the lamp-light of the cabin. Karain was speaking.

A soft sound was heard; that voice from outside appeared to drift from a dreamlike realm into the cabin's lamplight. Karain was talking.

“I lived in the forest.

"I lived in the woods."

“She came no more. Never! Never once! I lived alone. She had forgotten. It was well. I did not want her; I wanted no one. I found an abandoned house in an old clearing. Nobody came near. Sometimes I heard in the distance the voices of people going along a path. I slept; I rested; there was wild rice, water from a running stream—and peace! Every night I sat alone by my small fire before the hut. Many nights passed over my head.

“She never came back. Not once! I was all alone. She had moved on. That was fine. I didn’t want her; I didn’t want anyone. I discovered an empty house in an old clearing. No one came around. Sometimes I heard voices in the distance of people walking along a path. I slept; I rested; there was wild rice, water from a flowing stream—and peace! Every night, I sat by my small fire in front of the hut, completely alone. Many nights passed by me.”

“Then, one evening, as I sat by my fire after having eaten, I looked down on the ground and began to remember my wanderings. I lifted my head. I had heard no sound, no rustle, no footsteps—but I lifted my head. A man was coming towards me across the small clearing. I waited. He came up without a greeting and squatted down into the firelight. Then he turned his face to me. It was Matara. He stared at me fiercely with his big sunken eyes. The night was cold; the heat died suddenly out of the fire, and he stared at me. I rose and went away from there, leaving him by the fire that had no heat.

“Then, one evening, as I sat by my fire after eating, I looked down at the ground and started to remember my travels. I lifted my head. I hadn’t heard any noise, no rustling, no footsteps—but I lifted my head. A man was walking toward me across the small clearing. I waited. He approached without a greeting and squatted down in the firelight. Then he turned his face toward me. It was Matara. He glared at me intensely with his large, sunken eyes. The night was cold; the warmth suddenly left the fire, and he continued to stare at me. I stood up and walked away, leaving him by the fire that was now cold.

“I walked all that night, all next day, and in the evening made up a big blaze and sat down—to wait for him. He had not come into the light. I heard him in the bushes here and there, whispering, whispering. I understood at last—I had heard the words before, ‘You are my friend—kill with a sure shot.’

“I walked all night, then all the next day, and in the evening I built a big fire and sat down—to wait for him. He still hadn’t come into the light. I heard him in the bushes here and there, whispering, whispering. Then it clicked—I recognized the words, ‘You are my friend—kill with a sure shot.’”

“I bore it as long as I could—then leaped away, as on this very night I leaped from my stockade and swam to you. I ran—I ran crying like a child left alone and far from the houses. He ran by my side, without footsteps, whispering, whispering—invisible and heard. I sought people—I wanted men around me! Men who had not died! And again we two wandered. I sought danger, violence, and death. I fought in the Atjeh war, and a brave people wondered at the valiance of a stranger. But we were two; he warded off the blows . . . Why? I wanted peace, not life. And no one could see him; no one knew—I dared tell no one. At times he would leave me, but not for long; then he would return and whisper or stare. My heart was torn with a strange fear, but could not die. Then I met an old man.

"I endured it as long as I could—then I jumped away, just like on this very night when I jumped from my fort and swam to you. I ran—I ran crying like a child left alone and far from home. He ran beside me, without making a sound, whispering, whispering—both invisible and audible. I searched for people—I wanted men around me! Men who were still alive! And again, we two wandered. I looked for danger, violence, and death. I fought in the Atjeh war, and a brave people marvelled at the bravery of a stranger. But there were two of us; he blocked the blows . . . Why? I wanted peace, not life. And no one could see him; no one knew—I didn’t dare tell anyone. Sometimes he would leave me, but not for long; then he would come back and whisper or stare. My heart was torn with a strange fear, but it couldn’t die. Then I met an old man."

“You all knew him. People here called him my sorcerer, my servant and sword-bearer; but to me he was father, mother, protection, refuge and peace. When I met him he was returning from a pilgrimage, and I heard him intoning the prayer of sunset. He had gone to the holy place with his son, his son’s wife, and a little child; and on their return, by the favour of the Most High, they all died: the strong man, the young mother, the little child—they died; and the old man reached his country alone. He was a pilgrim serene and pious, very wise and very lonely. I told him all. For a time we lived together. He said over me words of compassion, of wisdom, of prayer. He warded from me the shade of the dead. I begged him for a charm that would make me safe. For a long time he refused; but at last, with a sigh and a smile, he gave me one. Doubtless he could command a spirit stronger than the unrest of my dead friend, and again I had peace; but I had become restless, and a lover of turmoil and danger. The old man never left me. We travelled together. We were welcomed by the great; his wisdom and my courage are remembered where your strength, O white men, is forgotten! We served the Sultan of Sula. We fought the Spaniards. There were victories, hopes, defeats, sorrow, blood, women’s tears . . . What for? . . . We fled. We collected wanderers of a warlike race and came here to fight again. The rest you know. I am the ruler of a conquered land, a lover of war and danger, a fighter and a plotter. But the old man has died, and I am again the slave of the dead. He is not here now to drive away the reproachful shade—to silence the lifeless voice! The power of his charm has died with him. And I know fear; and I hear the whisper, ‘Kill! kill! kill!’ . . . Have I not killed enough? . . .”

“You all knew him. People here called him my sorcerer, my servant, and sword-bearer; but to me, he was father, mother, protection, refuge, and peace. When I met him, he was coming back from a pilgrimage, and I heard him saying the prayer of sunset. He had gone to the holy place with his son, his son’s wife, and a little child; and on their way back, by the grace of the Most High, they all died: the strong man, the young mother, the little child—they died; and the old man returned home alone. He was a calm and devout pilgrim, very wise and very lonely. I told him everything. For a time we lived together. He spoke words of compassion, wisdom, and prayer over me. He kept the shadows of the dead away from me. I asked him for a charm that would keep me safe. For a long time, he refused; but eventually, with a sigh and a smile, he gave me one. He could surely command a spirit stronger than the unrest of my dead friend, and again I had peace; but I had become restless, and a lover of chaos and danger. The old man never left my side. We traveled together. We were welcomed by the influential; his wisdom and my courage are remembered where your strength, O white men, is forgotten! We served the Sultan of Sula. We fought the Spaniards. There were victories, hopes, defeats, sorrow, blood, and women’s tears... What for?... We fled. We gathered wanderers of a warrior race and came here to fight again. The rest you know. I am the ruler of a conquered land, a lover of war and danger, a fighter and a schemer. But the old man has died, and I am once again the slave of the dead. He is not here now to drive away the accusing shadows—to silence the lifeless voice! The power of his charm has died with him. And I know fear; and I hear the whisper, ‘Kill! kill! kill!’… Have I not killed enough?…”

For the first time that night a sudden convulsion of madness and rage passed over his face. His wavering glances darted here and there like scared birds in a thunderstorm. He jumped up, shouting—

For the first time that night, a sudden wave of madness and anger crossed his face. His uncertain eyes darted around like frightened birds in a storm. He jumped up, shouting—

“By the spirits that drink blood: by the spirits that cry in the night: by all the spirits of fury, misfortune, and death, I swear—some day I will strike into every heart I meet—I . . .”

“By the spirits that drink blood: by the spirits that cry in the night: by all the spirits of rage, bad luck, and death, I swear—someday I will pierce every heart I encounter—I . . .”

He looked so dangerous that we all three leaped to our feet, and Hollis, with the back of his hand, sent the kriss flying off the table. I believe we shouted together. It was a short scare, and the next moment he was again composed in his chair, with three white men standing over him in rather foolish attitudes. We felt a little ashamed of ourselves. Jackson picked up the kriss, and, after an inquiring glance at me, gave it to him. He received it with a stately inclination of the head and stuck it in the twist of his sarong, with punctilious care to give his weapon a pacific position. Then he looked up at us with an austere smile. We were abashed and reproved. Hollis sat sideways on the table and, holding his chin in his hand, scrutinized him in pensive silence. I said—

He looked so threatening that all three of us jumped to our feet, and Hollis, using the back of his hand, knocked the kriss off the table. I think we all shouted at once. It was a quick scare, and the next moment he was calmly back in his chair, with three white guys standing over him in pretty silly poses. We felt a bit embarrassed. Jackson picked up the kriss, and after a questioning look at me, handed it to him. He accepted it with a formal nod and tucked it into the twist of his sarong, making sure to position it peacefully. Then he looked up at us with a serious smile. We felt awkward and chastised. Hollis sat sideways on the table, resting his chin on his hand, studying him in thoughtful silence. I said—

“You must abide with your people. They need you. And there is forgetfulness in life. Even the dead cease to speak in time.”

“You have to stay with your people. They need you. And life has a way of making us forget. Even the dead stop talking eventually.”

“Am I a woman, to forget long years before an eyelid has had the time to beat twice?” he exclaimed, with bitter resentment. He startled me. It was amazing. To him his life—that cruel mirage of love and peace—seemed as real, as undeniable, as theirs would be to any saint, philosopher, or fool of us all. Hollis muttered—

“Am I a woman to forget so many years before I’ve even blinked twice?” he shouted, filled with anger. He caught me off guard. It was incredible. To him, his life—that harsh illusion of love and peace—felt as real and undeniable as it would to any saint, philosopher, or fool among us. Hollis muttered—

“You won’t soothe him with your platitudes.”

"You won't comfort him with your empty words."

Karain spoke to me.

Karain talked to me.

“You know us. You have lived with us. Why?—we cannot know; but you understand our sorrows and our thoughts. You have lived with my people, and you understand our desires and our fears. With you I will go. To your land—to your people. To your people, who live in unbelief; to whom day is day, and night is night—nothing more, because you understand all things seen, and despise all else! To your land of unbelief, where the dead do not speak, where every man is wise, and alone—and at peace!”

"You know us. You've lived among us. Why? We don't know; but you understand our troubles and our thoughts. You've been with my people, and you get our hopes and our fears. I will go with you. To your land— to your people. To your people who live without belief; for whom day is just day, and night is just night—nothing more, because you understand everything that can be seen, and look down on everything else! To your land of disbelief, where the dead don't speak, where every man is wise, and alone—and at peace!"

“Capital description,” murmured Hollis, with the flicker of a smile.

“Capital description,” Hollis said quietly, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

Karain hung his head.

Karain lowered his head.

“I can toil, and fight—and be faithful,” he whispered, in a weary tone, “but I cannot go back to him who waits for me on the shore. No! Take me with you . . . Or else give me some of your strength—of your unbelief. . . . A charm! . . .”

“I can work hard, and battle—and stay loyal,” he whispered, in a tired tone, “but I can't return to the one who’s waiting for me on the shore. No! Take me with you . . . Or at least give me some of your strength—your doubt. . . . A spell! . . .”

He seemed utterly exhausted.

He looked completely wiped out.

“Yes, take him home,” said Hollis, very low, as if debating with himself. “That would be one way. The ghosts there are in society, and talk affably to ladies and gentlemen, but would scorn a naked human being—like our princely friend. . . . Naked . . . Flayed! I should say. I am sorry for him. Impossible—of course. The end of all this shall be,” he went on, looking up at us—“the end of this shall be, that some day he will run amuck amongst his faithful subjects and send ‘ad patres’ ever so many of them before they make up their minds to the disloyalty of knocking him on the head.”

“Yes, take him home,” Hollis said quietly, almost as if he were thinking it over. “That could be one option. The ghosts there fit into society and chat pleasantly with ladies and gentlemen, but they would look down on a naked human being—like our noble friend... Naked... Flayed! I should say. I feel sorry for him. Impossible—of course. The conclusion of all this will be,” he continued, looking up at us—“the conclusion will be that someday he will go wild among his loyal subjects and send many of them 'ad patres' before they realize it's disloyal to hit him over the head.”

I nodded. I thought it more than probable that such would be the end of Karain. It was evident that he had been hunted by his thought along the very limit of human endurance, and very little more pressing was needed to make him swerve over into the form of madness peculiar to his race. The respite he had during the old man’s life made the return of the torment unbearable. That much was clear.

I nodded. I thought it was likely that this would be the end of Karain. It was clear that he had been pushed by his thoughts to the very edge of human endurance, and it wouldn’t take much more to send him into the kind of madness unique to his people. The break he had while the old man was alive made the return of the torment unbearable. That much was obvious.

He lifted his head suddenly; we had imagined for a moment that he had been dozing.

He suddenly lifted his head; we had thought for a moment that he had been dozing off.

“Give me your protection—or your strength!” he cried. “A charm . . . a weapon!”

“Give me your protection—or your strength!” he shouted. “A charm... a weapon!”

Again his chin fell on his breast. We looked at him, then looked at one another with suspicious awe in our eyes, like men who come unexpectedly upon the scene of some mysterious disaster. He had given himself up to us; he had thrust into our hands his errors and his torment, his life and his peace; and we did not know what to do with that problem from the outer darkness. We three white men, looking at the Malay, could not find one word to the purpose amongst us—if indeed there existed a word that could solve that problem. We pondered, and our hearts sank. We felt as though we three had been called to the very gate of Infernal Regions to judge, to decide the fate of a wanderer coming suddenly from a world of sunshine and illusions.

Again, his chin dropped to his chest. We looked at him, then at each other with a mix of awe and suspicion in our eyes, like people who have stumbled upon a scene of some mysterious disaster. He had surrendered himself to us; he had handed over his mistakes and his pain, his life and his peace; and we didn’t know how to handle that problem from the depths of darkness. The three of us, staring at the Malay, couldn’t find a single word that fit—if there was even a word that could fix that problem. We thought hard, and our spirits sank. It felt like we had been summoned to the very gates of Hell to judge and decide the fate of a wanderer who had suddenly come from a world of sunshine and illusions.

“By Jove, he seems to have a great idea of our power,” whispered Hollis, hopelessly. And then again there was a silence, the feeble plash of water, the steady tick of chronometers. Jackson, with bare arms crossed, leaned his shoulders against the bulkhead of the cabin. He was bending his head under the deck beam; his fair beard spread out magnificently over his chest; he looked colossal, ineffectual, and mild. There was something lugubrious in the aspect of the cabin; the air in it seemed to become slowly charged with the cruel chill of helplessness, with the pitiless anger of egoism against the incomprehensible form of an intruding pain. We had no idea what to do; we began to resent bitterly the hard necessity to get rid of him.

“Wow, he really seems to have a strong sense of our power,” whispered Hollis, hopelessly. Then there was silence again, the faint sound of water, the steady ticking of clocks. Jackson, with his bare arms crossed, leaned his shoulders against the cabin wall. He bent his head under the deck beam; his light beard spread out impressively over his chest; he looked huge, ineffective, and gentle. There was something grim about the cabin’s appearance; the air felt slowly charged with a cruel chill of helplessness, with the relentless anger of selfishness against an incomprehensible, painful presence. We had no idea what to do; we began to resent bitterly the harsh necessity of getting rid of him.

Hollis mused, muttered suddenly with a short laugh, “Strength . . . Protection . . . Charm.” He slipped off the table and left the cuddy without a look at us. It seemed a base desertion. Jackson and I exchanged indignant glances. We could hear him rummaging in his pigeon-hole of a cabin. Was the fellow actually going to bed? Karain sighed. It was intolerable!

Hollis thought for a moment, then suddenly laughed a little and said, “Strength... Protection... Charm.” He got off the table and left the room without looking at us. It felt like a total abandonment. Jackson and I shared annoyed looks. We could hear him searching around in his tiny cabin. Was he really going to bed? Karain sighed. It was unbearable!

Then Hollis reappeared, holding in both hands a small leather box. He put it down gently on the table and looked at us with a queer gasp, we thought, as though he had from some cause become speechless for a moment, or were ethically uncertain about producing that box. But in an instant the insolent and unerring wisdom of his youth gave him the needed courage. He said, as he unlocked the box with a very small key, “Look as solemn as you can, you fellows.”

Then Hollis came back, holding a small leather box in both hands. He placed it gently on the table and looked at us with a strange gasp, as if he had momentarily lost his voice or was unsure about bringing out that box. But in an instant, the bold and confident wisdom of his youth gave him the courage he needed. He said, as he unlocked the box with a tiny key, “Look as serious as you can, guys.”

Probably we looked only surprised and stupid, for he glanced over his shoulder, and said angrily—

Probably we just looked surprised and foolish, because he looked back over his shoulder and said angrily—

“This is no play; I am going to do something for him. Look serious. Confound it! . . . Can’t you lie a little . . . for a friend!”

"This isn't a game; I'm going to do something for him. Look serious. Damn it! ... Can't you pretend a bit ... for a friend!"

Karain seemed to take no notice of us, but when Hollis threw open the lid of the box his eyes flew to it—and so did ours. The quilted crimson satin of the inside put a violent patch of colour into the sombre atmosphere; it was something positive to look at—it was fascinating.

Karain seemed oblivious to us, but when Hollis opened the lid of the box, his eyes snapped to it—and so did ours. The quilted crimson satin inside added a bold splash of color to the dull atmosphere; it was something concrete to focus on—it was captivating.

VI

VI

Hollis looked smiling into the box. He had lately made a dash home through the Canal. He had been away six months, and only joined us again just in time for this last trip. We had never seen the box before. His hands hovered above it; and he talked to us ironically, but his face became as grave as though he were pronouncing a powerful incantation over the things inside.

Hollis smiled as he looked into the box. He had recently rushed home through the Canal. He had been away for six months and had just rejoined us in time for this last trip. We had never seen the box before. His hands hovered over it, and he spoke to us with irony, but his expression turned serious as if he were reciting a powerful incantation over the items inside.

“Every one of us,” he said, with pauses that somehow were more offensive than his words—“every one of us, you’ll admit, has been haunted by some woman . . . And . . . as to friends . . . dropped by the way . . . Well! . . . ask yourselves . . .”

“Each one of us,” he said, with pauses that somehow felt more irritating than his words—“each one of us, you’ll agree, has been haunted by some woman . . . And . . . when it comes to friends . . . lost along the way . . . Well! . . . ask yourselves . . .”

He paused. Karain stared. A deep rumble was heard high up under the deck. Jackson spoke seriously—

He paused. Karain stared. A deep rumble was heard up under the deck. Jackson spoke seriously—

“Don’t be so beastly cynical.”

“Don’t be so brutally cynical.”

“Ah! You are without guile,” said Hollis, sadly. “You will learn . . . Meantime this Malay has been our friend . . .”

“Ah! You are so naive,” said Hollis, sadly. “You will learn . . . In the meantime, this Malay has been our friend . . .”

He repeated several times thoughtfully, “Friend . . . Malay. Friend, Malay,” as though weighing the words against one another, then went on more briskly—

He said thoughtfully several times, “Friend . . . Malay. Friend, Malay,” as if he was considering the words carefully, then continued more energetically—

“A good fellow—a gentleman in his way. We can’t, so to speak, turn our backs on his confidence and belief in us. Those Malays are easily impressed—all nerves, you know—therefore . . .”

“A good guy—a gentleman in his own way. We can’t just turn our backs on his trust and belief in us. Those Malays are easily impressed—all nerves, you know—so…”

He turned to me sharply.

He turned to me suddenly.

“You know him best,” he said, in a practical tone. “Do you think he is fanatical—I mean very strict in his faith?”

“You know him best,” he said, in a practical tone. “Do you think he is fanatical—I mean really strict in his beliefs?”

I stammered in profound amazement that “I did not think so.”

I stammered in deep surprise that “I didn’t think so.”

“It’s on account of its being a likeness—an engraved image,” muttered Hollis, enigmatically, turning to the box. He plunged his fingers into it. Karain’s lips were parted and his eyes shone. We looked into the box.

“It’s because it’s a likeness—an engraved image,” muttered Hollis, mysteriously, turning to the box. He reached his fingers into it. Karain’s lips were parted and his eyes sparkled. We peered into the box.

There were there a couple of reels of cotton, a packet of needles, a bit of silk ribbon, dark blue; a cabinet photograph, at which Hollis stole a glance before laying it on the table face downwards. A girl’s portrait, I could see. There were, amongst a lot of various small objects, a bunch of flowers, a narrow white glove with many buttons, a slim packet of letters carefully tied up. Amulets of white men! Charms and talismans! Charms that keep them straight, that drive them crooked, that have the power to make a young man sigh, an old man smile. Potent things that procure dreams of joy, thoughts of regret; that soften hard hearts, and can temper a soft one to the hardness of steel. Gifts of heaven—things of earth . . .

There were a couple of spools of cotton, a pack of needles, a piece of dark blue silk ribbon; a cabinet photo that Hollis glanced at before putting it on the table face down. It was a girl’s portrait, I could tell. Among a bunch of assorted small items, there was a bouquet of flowers, a narrow white glove with several buttons, and a slim packet of letters carefully tied together. Amulets of white men! Charms and talismans! Charms that keep them straight, that lead them astray, that can make a young man sigh and an old man smile. Powerful things that bring dreams of joy, thoughts of regret; that soften tough hearts and can harden a gentle one to the toughness of steel. Gifts from heaven—things of earth...

Hollis rummaged in the box.

Hollis searched through the box.

And it seemed to me, during that moment of waiting, that the cabin of the schooner was becoming filled with a stir invisible and living as of subtle breaths. All the ghosts driven out of the unbelieving West by men who pretend to be wise and alone and at peace—all the homeless ghosts of an unbelieving world—appeared suddenly round the figure of Hollis bending over the box; all the exiled and charming shades of loved women; all the beautiful and tender ghosts of ideals, remembered, forgotten, cherished, execrated; all the cast-out and reproachful ghosts of friends admired, trusted, traduced, betrayed, left dead by the way—they all seemed to come from the inhospitable regions of the earth to crowd into the gloomy cabin, as though it had been a refuge and, in all the unbelieving world, the only place of avenging belief. . . . It lasted a second—all disappeared. Hollis was facing us alone with something small that glittered between his fingers. It looked like a coin.

And it felt to me, in that moment of waiting, that the cabin of the schooner was filling with an invisible, living energy, like subtle breaths. All the ghosts driven out of the skeptical West by people who pretend to be wise, solitary, and at peace—all the homeless ghosts of a disbelieving world—suddenly appeared around Hollis as he leaned over the box; all the exiled and beautiful spirits of loved ones; all the lovely and gentle ghosts of ideals—remembered, forgotten, cherished, cursed; all the rejected and judgmental spirits of friends—admired, trusted, betrayed, and left behind—they all seemed to come from the unwelcoming parts of the earth to crowd into the dark cabin, as if it were a refuge and, in this disbelieving world, the only place of retribution and conviction. . . . It lasted a second—then they all vanished. Hollis was facing us alone with something small that sparkled between his fingers. It looked like a coin.

“Ah! here it is,” he said.

“Ah! Here it is,” he said.

He held it up. It was a sixpence—a Jubilee sixpence. It was gilt; it had a hole punched near the rim. Hollis looked towards Karain.

He held it up. It was a sixpence—a Jubilee sixpence. It was gold-plated; it had a hole punched near the edge. Hollis glanced over at Karain.

“A charm for our friend,” he said to us. “The thing itself is of great power—money, you know—and his imagination is struck. A loyal vagabond; if only his puritanism doesn’t shy at a likeness . . .”

“A charm for our friend,” he said to us. “The thing itself is really powerful—money, you know—and it captures his imagination. A devoted wanderer; if only his strict morals don’t flinch at a resemblance . . .”

We said nothing. We did not know whether to be scandalized, amused, or relieved. Hollis advanced towards Karain, who stood up as if startled, and then, holding the coin up, spoke in Malay.

We said nothing. We weren’t sure whether to be shocked, amused, or relieved. Hollis walked over to Karain, who stood up as if taken by surprise, and then, holding the coin up, spoke in Malay.

“This is the image of the Great Queen, and the most powerful thing the white men know,” he said, solemnly.

“This is the image of the Great Queen, and it’s the most powerful thing the white men know,” he said seriously.

Karain covered the handle of his kriss in sign of respect, and stared at the crowned head.

Karain covered the handle of his kriss as a sign of respect and stared at the crowned head.

“The Invincible, the Pious,” he muttered.

“The Invincible, the Pious,” he murmured.

“She is more powerful than Suleiman the Wise, who commanded the genii, as you know,” said Hollis, gravely. “I shall give this to you.”

“She is more powerful than Solomon the Wise, who commanded the spirits, as you know,” said Hollis seriously. “I’ll give this to you.”

He held the sixpence in the palm of his hand, and looking at it thoughtfully, spoke to us in English.

He held the sixpence in the palm of his hand and, looking at it thoughtfully, spoke to us in English.

“She commands a spirit, too—the spirit of her nation; a masterful, conscientious, unscrupulous, unconquerable devil . . . that does a lot of good—incidentally . . . a lot of good . . . at times—and wouldn’t stand any fuss from the best ghost out for such a little thing as our friend’s shot. Don’t look thunderstruck, you fellows. Help me to make him believe—everything’s in that.”

“She commands a spirit, too—the spirit of her nation; a powerful, diligent, ruthless, unbeatable force… that does a lot of good—by the way… a lot of good… sometimes—and wouldn’t take any nonsense from the best ghost over something as minor as our friend’s shot. Don’t look so shocked, you guys. Help me get him to believe—everything depends on that.”

“His people will be shocked,” I murmured.

“His people are going to be shocked,” I murmured.

Hollis looked fixedly at Karain, who was the incarnation of the very essence of still excitement. He stood rigid, with head thrown back; his eyes rolled wildly, flashing; the dilated nostrils quivered.

Hollis stared intensely at Karain, who embodied the very essence of intense stillness. He stood solid, head tilted back; his eyes darted wildly, shining; his flaring nostrils trembled.

“Hang it all!” said Hollis at last, “he is a good fellow. I’ll give him something that I shall really miss.”

“Hang it all!” said Hollis finally, “he’s a good guy. I’ll give him something that I’ll really miss.”

He took the ribbon out of the box, smiled at it scornfully, then with a pair of scissors cut out a piece from the palm of the glove.

He took the ribbon out of the box, smirked at it in disdain, and then used a pair of scissors to cut a piece from the palm of the glove.

“I shall make him a thing like those Italian peasants wear, you know.”

"I'll make him something like what those Italian peasants wear, you know."

He sewed the coin in the delicate leather, sewed the leather to the ribbon, tied the ends together. He worked with haste. Karain watched his fingers all the time.

He stitched the coin into the fine leather, sewed the leather to the ribbon, and tied the ends together. He worked quickly. Karain kept her eyes on his fingers the entire time.

“Now then,” he said—then stepped up to Karain. They looked close into one another’s eyes. Those of Karain stared in a lost glance, but Hollis’s seemed to grow darker and looked out masterful and compelling. They were in violent contrast together—one motionless and the colour of bronze, the other dazzling white and lifting his arms, where the powerful muscles rolled slightly under a skin that gleamed like satin. Jackson moved near with the air of a man closing up to a chum in a tight place. I said impressively, pointing to Hollis—

“Alright then,” he said, stepping up to Karain. They looked deep into each other’s eyes. Karain’s were filled with a vacant stare, while Hollis’s seemed to darken, exuding a masterful and compelling confidence. They contrasted sharply—one still and bronze-colored, the other dazzling white, lifting his arms, with powerful muscles subtly rolling under skin that shone like satin. Jackson moved closer, like a man getting comfortable with a friend in a tight spot. I said dramatically, pointing to Hollis—

“He is young, but he is wise. Believe him!”

“He’s young, but he’s wise. Trust him!”

Karain bent his head: Hollis threw lightly over it the dark-blue ribbon and stepped back.

Karain lowered his head as Hollis gently placed the dark-blue ribbon over it and stepped back.

“Forget, and be at peace!” I cried.

“Forget and find peace!” I shouted.

Karain seemed to wake up from a dream. He said, “Ha!” shook himself as if throwing off a burden. He looked round with assurance. Someone on deck dragged off the skylight cover, and a flood of light fell into the cabin. It was morning already.

Karain appeared to wake up from a dream. He exclaimed, “Ha!” and shook himself as if shaking off a weight. He looked around confidently. Someone on deck removed the skylight cover, and a stream of light poured into the cabin. It was already morning.

“Time to go on deck,” said Jackson.

“Time to head up on deck,” said Jackson.

Hollis put on a coat, and we went up, Karain leading.

Hollis put on a coat, and we went upstairs, with Karain in the lead.

The sun had risen beyond the hills, and their long shadows stretched far over the bay in the pearly light. The air was clear, stainless, and cool. I pointed at the curved line of yellow sands.

The sun had risen over the hills, and their long shadows stretched far across the bay in the soft light. The air was clear, fresh, and cool. I pointed at the curved line of yellow sand.

“He is not there,” I said, emphatically, to Karain. “He waits no more. He has departed forever.”

“He's not there,” I said firmly to Karain. “He’s not waiting anymore. He’s gone for good.”

A shaft of bright hot rays darted into the bay between the summits of two hills, and the water all round broke out as if by magic into a dazzling sparkle.

A beam of bright, hot rays shot into the bay between two hills, and the water all around erupted, almost like magic, into a dazzling sparkle.

“No! He is not there waiting,” said Karain, after a long look over the beach. “I do not hear him,” he went on, slowly. “No!”

“No! He isn't there waiting,” said Karain, after scanning the beach for a while. “I don’t hear him,” he continued slowly. “No!”

He turned to us.

He faced us.

“He has departed again—forever!” he cried.

“He's gone again—this time for good!” he shouted.

We assented vigorously, repeatedly, and without compunction. The great thing was to impress him powerfully; to suggest absolute safety—the end of all trouble. We did our best; and I hope we affirmed our faith in the power of Hollis’s charm efficiently enough to put the matter beyond the shadow of a doubt. Our voices rang around him joyously in the still air, and above his head the sky, pellucid, pure, stainless, arched its tender blue from shore to shore and over the bay, as if to envelop the water, the earth, and the man in the caress of its light.

We agreed enthusiastically, over and over, without any hesitation. The main goal was to make a strong impression on him; to convey a sense of complete safety—the end of all worries. We tried our best, and I hope we showed our belief in the power of Hollis's charm clearly enough to put any doubts to rest. Our voices echoed around him happily in the calm air, and above him the sky, clear, pure, and flawless, stretched its gentle blue from shore to shore over the bay, as if to wrap the water, the land, and the man in the warmth of its light.

The anchor was up, the sails hung still, and half-a-dozen big boats were seen sweeping over the bay to give us a tow out. The paddlers in the first one that came alongside lifted their heads and saw their ruler standing amongst us. A low murmur of surprise arose—then a shout of greeting.

The anchor was up, the sails were still, and about six large boats were gliding over the bay to tow us out. The paddlers in the first one that pulled up next to us raised their heads and spotted their leader among us. A quiet murmur of surprise erupted—then a shout of welcome.

He left us, and seemed straightway to step into the glorious splendour of his stage, to wrap himself in the illusion of unavoidable success. For a moment he stood erect, one foot over the gangway, one hand on the hilt of his kriss, in a martial pose; and, relieved from the fear of outer darkness, he held his head high, he swept a serene look over his conquered foothold on the earth. The boats far off took up the cry of greeting; a great clamour rolled on the water; the hills echoed it, and seemed to toss back at him the words invoking long life and victories.

He left us and immediately stepped into the bright glory of his stage, wrapping himself in the illusion of certain success. For a moment, he stood tall, one foot on the gangway, one hand on the hilt of his kriss, in a commanding pose; freed from the fear of the outside world, he held his head high and cast a calm gaze over the territory he had claimed. The boats in the distance joined in the cheer; a loud noise rolled across the water; the hills echoed back, seemingly returning to him the words wishing him long life and triumphs.

He descended into a canoe, and as soon as he was clear of the side we gave him three cheers. They sounded faint and orderly after the wild tumult of his loyal subjects, but it was the best we could do. He stood up in the boat, lifted up both his arms, then pointed to the infallible charm. We cheered again; and the Malays in the boats stared—very much puzzled and impressed. I wondered what they thought; what he thought; . . . what the reader thinks?

He got into a canoe, and as soon as he was away from the side, we gave him three cheers. They sounded faint and organized after the wild noise of his loyal followers, but it was all we could manage. He stood up in the boat, raised both his arms, then pointed to the infallible charm. We cheered again, and the Malays in the boats stared—looking quite puzzled and impressed. I wondered what they thought; what he thought; ... what the reader thinks?

We towed out slowly. We saw him land and watch us from the beach. A figure approached him humbly but openly—not at all like a ghost with a grievance. We could see other men running towards him. Perhaps he had been missed? At any rate there was a great stir. A group formed itself rapidly near him, and he walked along the sands, followed by a growing cortege and kept nearly abreast of the schooner. With our glasses we could see the blue ribbon on his neck and a patch of white on his brown chest. The bay was waking up. The smokes of morning fires stood in faint spirals higher than the heads of palms; people moved between the houses; a herd of buffaloes galloped clumsily across a green slope; the slender figures of boys brandishing sticks appeared black and leaping in the long grass; a coloured line of women, with water bamboos on their heads, moved swaying through a thin grove of fruit-trees. Karain stopped in the midst of his men and waved his hand; then, detaching himself from the splendid group, walked alone to the water’s edge and waved his hand again. The schooner passed out to sea between the steep headlands that shut in the bay, and at the same instant Karain passed out of our life forever.

We slowly towed out. We saw him land and watch us from the beach. A figure approached him humbly but openly—not at all like a ghost with a grudge. We could see other men running toward him. Maybe he had been missed? Either way, there was a lot of commotion. A group quickly formed around him, and he walked along the shore, followed by an increasing crowd, keeping almost level with the schooner. With our binoculars, we could see the blue ribbon around his neck and a patch of white on his brown chest. The bay was coming to life. The smoke from morning fires rose in gentle spirals above the palm trees; people moved between the houses; a herd of buffaloes clumsily galloped across a green slope; the slender figures of boys with sticks appeared black and bounced in the tall grass; a colorful line of women, with bamboo water containers on their heads, swayed through a thin grove of fruit trees. Karain stopped in the midst of his men and waved his hand; then, breaking away from the impressive group, he walked alone to the water’s edge and waved again. The schooner sailed out to sea between the steep headlands that enclosed the bay, and at that same moment, Karain exited our lives forever.

But the memory remains. Some years afterwards I met Jackson, in the Strand. He was magnificent as ever. His head was high above the crowd. His beard was gold, his face red, his eyes blue; he had a wide-brimmed gray hat and no collar or waistcoat; he was inspiring; he had just come home—had landed that very day! Our meeting caused an eddy in the current of humanity. Hurried people would run against us, then walk round us, and turn back to look at that giant. We tried to compress seven years of life into seven exclamations; then, suddenly appeased, walked sedately along, giving one another the news of yesterday. Jackson gazed about him, like a man who looks for landmarks, then stopped before Bland’s window. He always had a passion for firearms; so he stopped short and contemplated the row of weapons, perfect and severe, drawn up in a line behind the black-framed panes. I stood by his side. Suddenly he said—

But the memory stays. A few years later, I ran into Jackson in the Strand. He looked as impressive as ever. His head was held high above the crowd. His beard was golden, his face was red, and his eyes were blue; he wore a wide-brimmed gray hat and had no collar or waistcoat; he was inspiring; he had just come back home—he had arrived that very day! Our meeting created a ripple in the sea of people. Busy folks would bump into us, then walk around to check out that giant. We tried to fit seven years of life into seven exclamations; then, feeling satisfied, we strolled calmly along, sharing the news from the past. Jackson looked around, like someone searching for familiar landmarks, then paused in front of Bland’s window. He always had a thing for firearms; so he stopped and admired the lineup of flawless, serious weapons displayed behind the black-framed glass. I stood by him. Suddenly he said—

“Do you remember Karain?”

“Do you remember Karain?”

I nodded.

I nodded.

“The sight of all this made me think of him,” he went on, with his face near the glass . . . and I could see another man, powerful and bearded, peering at him intently from amongst the dark and polished tubes that can cure so many illusions. “Yes; it made me think of him,” he continued, slowly. “I saw a paper this morning; they are fighting over there again. He’s sure to be in it. He will make it hot for the caballeros. Well, good luck to him, poor devil! He was perfectly stunning.”

“The sight of all this made me think of him,” he continued, leaning close to the glass . . . and I could see another man, strong and bearded, staring at him intently from among the dark and shiny tubes that can clear up so many illusions. “Yeah, it made me think of him,” he went on slowly. “I saw a newspaper this morning; they’re fighting over there again. He’s definitely going to be part of it. He’s going to give the caballeros a tough time. Well, good luck to him, poor guy! He was absolutely amazing.”

We walked on.

We kept walking.

“I wonder whether the charm worked—you remember Hollis’s charm, of course. If it did . . . Never was a sixpence wasted to better advantage! Poor devil! I wonder whether he got rid of that friend of his. Hope so. . . . Do you know, I sometimes think that—”

“I wonder if the charm worked—you remember Hollis’s charm, right? If it did... Never was a sixpence spent to better effect! Poor guy! I wonder if he got rid of that friend of his. I hope so... Do you know, I sometimes think that—”

I stood still and looked at him.

I stood still and stared at him.

“Yes . . . I mean, whether the thing was so, you know . . . whether it really happened to him. . . . What do you think?”

“Yes . . . I mean, whether that actually happened to him. . . . What do you think?”

“My dear chap,” I cried, “you have been too long away from home. What a question to ask! Only look at all this.”

“My dear friend,” I exclaimed, “you’ve been away from home for too long. What a thing to ask! Just look at all this.”

A watery gleam of sunshine flashed from the west and went out between two long lines of walls; and then the broken confusion of roofs, the chimney-stacks, the gold letters sprawling over the fronts of houses, the sombre polish of windows, stood resigned and sullen under the falling gloom. The whole length of the street, deep as a well and narrow like a corridor, was full of a sombre and ceaseless stir. Our ears were filled by a headlong shuffle and beat of rapid footsteps and by an underlying rumour—a rumour vast, faint, pulsating, as of panting breaths, of beating hearts, of gasping voices. Innumerable eyes stared straight in front, feet moved hurriedly, blank faces flowed, arms swung. Over all, a narrow ragged strip of smoky sky wound about between the high roofs, extended and motionless, like a soiled streamer flying above the rout of a mob.

A shiny gleam of sunshine flashed from the west and disappeared between two long lines of walls; and then the chaotic jumble of roofs, the chimney stacks, the gold letters sprawled over the fronts of buildings, and the dark shine of windows stood resigned and gloomy under the descending darkness. The entire length of the street, as deep as a well and narrow like a hallway, was filled with a dark and constant buzz. Our ears were filled with the rush and rhythm of quick footsteps and an underlying murmur—a vast, faint, pulsing sound, like panting breaths, beating hearts, and gasping voices. Countless eyes stared straight ahead, feet moved quickly, blank faces flowed by, and arms swung. Above it all, a narrow, tattered strip of smoky sky twisted between the tall roofs, stretched and still, like a dirty banner flying over a mob of people.

“Ye-e-e-s,” said Jackson, meditatively.

"Yup," said Jackson, thoughtfully.

The big wheels of hansoms turned slowly along the edge of side-walks; a pale-faced youth strolled, overcome by weariness, by the side of his stick and with the tails of his overcoat flapping gently near his heels; horses stepped gingerly on the greasy pavement, tossing their heads; two young girls passed by, talking vivaciously and with shining eyes; a fine old fellow strutted, red-faced, stroking a white moustache; and a line of yellow boards with blue letters on them approached us slowly, tossing on high behind one another like some queer wreckage adrift upon a river of hats.

The large wheels of the carriages turned slowly along the edge of the sidewalks; a tired young man walked alongside his cane, with the tails of his overcoat fluttering gently by his heels; horses stepped carefully on the slick pavement, shaking their heads; two young girls walked past, chatting animatedly with bright eyes; a distinguished older man strutted by, red-faced, stroking a white mustache; and a row of yellow boards with blue lettering came toward us slowly, swaying high above one another like strange debris floating on a river of hats.

“Ye-e-es,” repeated Jackson. His clear blue eyes looked about, contemptuous, amused and hard, like the eyes of a boy. A clumsy string of red, yellow, and green omnibuses rolled swaying, monstrous and gaudy; two shabby children ran across the road; a knot of dirty men with red neckerchiefs round their bare throats lurched along, discussing filthily; a ragged old man with a face of despair yelled horribly in the mud the name of a paper; while far off, amongst the tossing heads of horses, the dull flash of harnesses, the jumble of lustrous panels and roofs of carriages, we could see a policeman, helmeted and dark, stretching out a rigid arm at the crossing of the streets.

“Y-e-s,” Jackson repeated. His bright blue eyes scanned the area, showing contempt, amusement, and toughness, like those of a boy. A clumsy line of red, yellow, and green buses rolled by, swaying, monstrous and flashy; two ragged kids darted across the road; a group of dirty men with red scarves around their necks stumbled along, chatting inappropriately; a tattered old man with a face full of despair shouted loudly in the mud the name of a newspaper; while in the distance, among the throng of horses with their tossing heads, the dull glint of harnesses, and the mix of shiny panels and roofs of carriages, we spotted a policeman, wearing a helmet and dark uniform, extending a stiff arm at the street crossing.

“Yes; I see it,” said Jackson, slowly. “It is there; it pants, it runs, it rolls; it is strong and alive; it would smash you if you didn’t look out; but I’ll be hanged if it is yet as real to me as . . . as the other thing . . . say, Karain’s story.”

“Yes; I see it,” Jackson said slowly. “It’s there; it’s panting, it’s running, it’s rolling; it’s strong and alive; it would smash you if you’re not careful; but I’ll be damned if it feels as real to me as… as the other thing… like Karain’s story.”

I think that, decidedly, he had been too long away from home.

I really think he had been away from home for too long.





THE IDIOTS

We were driving along the road from Treguier to Kervanda. We passed at a smart trot between the hedges topping an earth wall on each side of the road; then at the foot of the steep ascent before Ploumar the horse dropped into a walk, and the driver jumped down heavily from the box. He flicked his whip and climbed the incline, stepping clumsily uphill by the side of the carriage, one hand on the footboard, his eyes on the ground. After a while he lifted his head, pointed up the road with the end of the whip, and said—

We were driving along the road from Treguier to Kervanda. We trotted smoothly between the hedges on either side of the road, then at the bottom of the steep hill before Ploumar, the horse slowed to a walk, and the driver clumsily jumped down from the box. He cracked his whip and trudged up the hill next to the carriage, one hand on the footboard, staring at the ground. After a bit, he looked up, pointed down the road with the tip of his whip, and said—

“The idiot!”

“The fool!”

The sun was shining violently upon the undulating surface of the land. The rises were topped by clumps of meagre trees, with their branches showing high on the sky as if they had been perched upon stilts. The small fields, cut up by hedges and stone walls that zig-zagged over the slopes, lay in rectangular patches of vivid greens and yellows, resembling the unskilful daubs of a naive picture. And the landscape was divided in two by the white streak of a road stretching in long loops far away, like a river of dust crawling out of the hills on its way to the sea.

The sun was shining harshly on the rolling landscape. The hills were topped with clusters of sparse trees, their branches reaching high into the sky as if they were balanced on stilts. The small fields, separated by hedges and stone walls that zigzagged across the slopes, lay in rectangular patches of bright greens and yellows, looking like the clumsy strokes of a naive painting. The landscape was split in two by a white line of road stretching in long loops into the distance, like a river of dust making its way out of the hills toward the sea.

“Here he is,” said the driver, again.

“Here he is,” said the driver, again.

In the long grass bordering the road a face glided past the carriage at the level of the wheels as we drove slowly by. The imbecile face was red, and the bullet head with close-cropped hair seemed to lie alone, its chin in the dust. The body was lost in the bushes growing thick along the bottom of the deep ditch.

In the tall grass by the road, a face drifted past the carriage at wheel level as we drove by slowly. The simple-minded face was red, and the round head with closely cropped hair appeared to be alone, its chin resting in the dirt. The body was hidden in the bushes that were thick along the bottom of the deep ditch.

It was a boy’s face. He might have been sixteen, judging from the size—perhaps less, perhaps more. Such creatures are forgotten by time, and live untouched by years till death gathers them up into its compassionate bosom; the faithful death that never forgets in the press of work the most insignificant of its children.

It was a boy's face. He might have been sixteen, judging by the size—maybe a bit younger, maybe a bit older. Such beings are overlooked by time, and they remain untouched by the years until death collects them gently into its caring embrace; the faithful death that never overlooks even the most insignificant of its children in the hustle of its duties.

“Ah! there’s another,” said the man, with a certain satisfaction in his tone, as if he had caught sight of something expected.

“Ah! There’s another,” the man said, his tone filled with satisfaction, as if he had spotted something he was anticipating.

There was another. That one stood nearly in the middle of the road in the blaze of sunshine at the end of his own short shadow. And he stood with hands pushed into the opposite sleeves of his long coat, his head sunk between the shoulders, all hunched up in the flood of heat. From a distance he had the aspect of one suffering from intense cold.

There was another person. This one stood almost in the center of the road, directly in the bright sunlight, at the end of his own short shadow. He had his hands shoved into the sleeves of his long coat, his head lowered between his shoulders, all hunched up in the heat. From a distance, he looked like someone who was freezing.

“Those are twins,” explained the driver.

"Those are twins," the driver explained.

The idiot shuffled two paces out of the way and looked at us over his shoulder when we brushed past him. The glance was unseeing and staring, a fascinated glance; but he did not turn to look after us. Probably the image passed before the eyes without leaving any trace on the misshapen brain of the creature. When we had topped the ascent I looked over the hood. He stood in the road just where we had left him.

The idiot shuffled two steps out of the way and looked at us over his shoulder as we walked past him. His gaze was blank and staring, a fascinated look; but he didn’t turn to watch us go. It was likely that the image passed in front of him without leaving any impression on the twisted mind of the creature. When we reached the top of the hill, I looked back over the hood. He was still standing in the road right where we had left him.

The driver clambered into his seat, clicked his tongue, and we went downhill. The brake squeaked horribly from time to time. At the foot he eased off the noisy mechanism and said, turning half round on his box—

The driver climbed into his seat, clicked his tongue, and we went downhill. The brakes squeaked terribly from time to time. At the bottom, he eased off the noisy mechanism and said, turning halfway around on his seat—

“We shall see some more of them by-and-by.”

“We’ll see more of them later on.”

“More idiots? How many of them are there, then?” I asked.

“More idiots? How many are there, then?” I asked.

“There’s four of them—children of a farmer near Ploumar here. . . . The parents are dead now,” he added, after a while. “The grandmother lives on the farm. In the daytime they knock about on this road, and they come home at dusk along with the cattle. . . . It’s a good farm.”

“There are four of them—children of a farmer from near Ploumar. . . . The parents have passed away now,” he added after a moment. “The grandmother still lives on the farm. During the day, they play around on this road, and they return home at dusk with the cattle. . . . It’s a nice farm.”

We saw the other two: a boy and a girl, as the driver said. They were dressed exactly alike, in shapeless garments with petticoat-like skirts. The imperfect thing that lived within them moved those beings to howl at us from the top of the bank, where they sprawled amongst the tough stalks of furze. Their cropped black heads stuck out from the bright yellow wall of countless small blossoms. The faces were purple with the strain of yelling; the voices sounded blank and cracked like a mechanical imitation of old people’s voices; and suddenly ceased when we turned into a lane.

We saw the other two: a boy and a girl, as the driver mentioned. They were wearing the same thing, in loose-fitting clothes with petticoat-like skirts. The strange thing inside them made those kids scream at us from the top of the bank, where they lay among the tough stalks of furze. Their short black hair poked out from the bright yellow backdrop of countless small flowers. Their faces were purple from the effort of yelling; their voices sounded flat and broken, like a mechanical version of old people's voices; and they suddenly stopped when we turned into a lane.

I saw them many times in my wandering about the country. They lived on that road, drifting along its length here and there, according to the inexplicable impulses of their monstrous darkness. They were an offence to the sunshine, a reproach to empty heaven, a blight on the concentrated and purposeful vigour of the wild landscape. In time the story of their parents shaped itself before me out of the listless answers to my questions, out of the indifferent words heard in wayside inns or on the very road those idiots haunted. Some of it was told by an emaciated and sceptical old fellow with a tremendous whip, while we trudged together over the sands by the side of a two-wheeled cart loaded with dripping seaweed. Then at other times other people confirmed and completed the story: till it stood at last before me, a tale formidable and simple, as they always are, those disclosures of obscure trials endured by ignorant hearts.

I saw them many times while wandering around the countryside. They lived along that road, moving up and down its length according to the strange whims of their dark nature. They clashed with the sunshine, mocked the empty sky, and spoiled the focused energy of the wild landscape. Over time, the story of their parents unfolded from the vague answers to my questions and the indifferent remarks I heard in roadside inns or right on the road those fools roamed. Some of it was shared by a skinny, skeptical old man with a huge whip as we trudged over the sand next to a two-wheeled cart loaded with wet seaweed. Then, at other times, different people confirmed and added to the story until it finally took shape for me, a tale both daunting and straightforward, just like those revelations of hidden struggles faced by unknowing hearts.

When he returned from his military service Jean-Pierre Bacadou found the old people very much aged. He remarked with pain that the work of the farm was not satisfactorily done. The father had not the energy of old days. The hands did not feel over them the eye of the master. Jean-Pierre noted with sorrow that the heap of manure in the courtyard before the only entrance to the house was not so large as it should have been. The fences were out of repair, and the cattle suffered from neglect. At home the mother was practically bedridden, and the girls chattered loudly in the big kitchen, unrebuked, from morning to night. He said to himself: “We must change all this.” He talked the matter over with his father one evening when the rays of the setting sun entering the yard between the outhouses ruled the heavy shadows with luminous streaks. Over the manure heap floated a mist, opal-tinted and odorous, and the marauding hens would stop in their scratching to examine with a sudden glance of their round eye the two men, both lean and tall, talking in hoarse tones. The old man, all twisted with rheumatism and bowed with years of work, the younger bony and straight, spoke without gestures in the indifferent manner of peasants, grave and slow. But before the sun had set the father had submitted to the sensible arguments of the son. “It is not for me that I am speaking,” insisted Jean-Pierre. “It is for the land. It’s a pity to see it badly used. I am not impatient for myself.” The old fellow nodded over his stick. “I dare say; I dare say,” he muttered. “You may be right. Do what you like. It’s the mother that will be pleased.”

When he returned from his military service, Jean-Pierre Bacadou noticed that the older people had aged significantly. He felt a sting of sadness as he observed that the farm work was not being done well. His father lacked the energy he once had. The farm didn’t have the watchful eye of a master overseeing it. Jean-Pierre sadly noted that the pile of manure in the courtyard, the only entrance to the house, was smaller than it should have been. The fences were falling apart, and the cattle were suffering from neglect. At home, his mother was mostly bedridden, and the girls chatted loudly in the large kitchen, unbothered, from morning until night. He thought to himself, “We need to change all this.” One evening, he discussed the issue with his father as the setting sun cast glowing streaks of light through the yard between the outbuildings, banishing the heavy shadows. A mist, opalescent and fragrant, hovered over the manure pile, and the wandering hens paused their scratching to glance curiously at the two men, both tall and lean, speaking in low tones. The old man, hunched from years of labor and twisted with rheumatism, and the younger man, bony and upright, spoke without gestures in the slow, serious manner typical of farmers. But before the sun fully set, the father yielded to his son’s logical arguments. “I’m not speaking for myself,” Jean-Pierre insisted. “I’m doing this for the land. It’s a shame to see it misused. I’m not in a hurry for myself.” The old man nodded over his walking stick. “I suppose; I suppose,” he mumbled. “You might be right. Do what you think is best. Your mother will be happy.”

The mother was pleased with her daughter-in-law. Jean-Pierre brought the two-wheeled spring-cart with a rush into the yard. The gray horse galloped clumsily, and the bride and bridegroom, sitting side by side, were jerked backwards and forwards by the up and down motion of the shafts, in a manner regular and brusque. On the road the distanced wedding guests straggled in pairs and groups. The men advanced with heavy steps, swinging their idle arms. They were clad in town clothes; jackets cut with clumsy smartness, hard black hats, immense boots, polished highly. Their women all in simple black, with white caps and shawls of faded tints folded triangularly on the back, strolled lightly by their side. In front the violin sang a strident tune, and the biniou snored and hummed, while the player capered solemnly, lifting high his heavy clogs. The sombre procession drifted in and out of the narrow lanes, through sunshine and through shade, between fields and hedgerows, scaring the little birds that darted away in troops right and left. In the yard of Bacadou’s farm the dark ribbon wound itself up into a mass of men and women pushing at the door with cries and greetings. The wedding dinner was remembered for months. It was a splendid feast in the orchard. Farmers of considerable means and excellent repute were to be found sleeping in ditches, all along the road to Treguier, even as late as the afternoon of the next day. All the countryside participated in the happiness of Jean-Pierre. He remained sober, and, together with his quiet wife, kept out of the way, letting father and mother reap their due of honour and thanks. But the next day he took hold strongly, and the old folks felt a shadow—precursor of the grave—fall upon them finally. The world is to the young.

The mother was happy with her daughter-in-law. Jean-Pierre rushed into the yard with the two-wheeled cart. The gray horse galloped awkwardly, and the bride and groom, sitting next to each other, were bounced back and forth by the up-and-down motion of the shafts, in a regular but rough manner. On the road, the wedding guests lagged behind in pairs and groups. The men moved along with heavy steps, swinging their idle arms. They wore town clothes: jackets that were clumsily stylish, hard black hats, and huge, highly polished boots. The women all wore simple black dresses, with white caps and faded shawls folded triangularly on their backs, strolling lightly beside them. Up ahead, the violin played a sharp tune, and the biniou snorted and hummed while the player danced solemnly, lifting his heavy clogs high. The somber procession wound in and out of narrow lanes, through sunshine and shade, between fields and hedgerows, scaring little birds that darted away in flocks to the right and left. In the yard of Bacadou’s farm, a dark ribbon of men and women pushed at the door with shouts and greetings. The wedding dinner was talked about for months. It was a fantastic feast in the orchard. Well-off farmers with good reputations could be found sleeping in ditches all along the road to Treguier, even late into the afternoon the next day. Everyone in the countryside shared in Jean-Pierre's happiness. He stayed sober, allowing his quiet wife to keep out of the way, letting his parents enjoy their moment of honor and gratitude. But the next day he took charge, and the old folks sensed a shadow—a sign of the grave—falling upon them at last. The world belongs to the young.

When the twins were born there was plenty of room in the house, for the mother of Jean-Pierre had gone away to dwell under a heavy stone in the cemetery of Ploumar. On that day, for the first time since his son’s marriage, the elder Bacadou, neglected by the cackling lot of strange women who thronged the kitchen, left in the morning his seat under the mantel of the fireplace, and went into the empty cow-house, shaking his white locks dismally. Grandsons were all very well, but he wanted his soup at midday. When shown the babies, he stared at them with a fixed gaze, and muttered something like: “It’s too much.” Whether he meant too much happiness, or simply commented upon the number of his descendants, it is impossible to say. He looked offended—as far as his old wooden face could express anything; and for days afterwards could be seen, almost any time of the day, sitting at the gate, with his nose over his knees, a pipe between his gums, and gathered up into a kind of raging concentrated sulkiness. Once he spoke to his son, alluding to the newcomers with a groan: “They will quarrel over the land.” “Don’t bother about that, father,” answered Jean-Pierre, stolidly, and passed, bent double, towing a recalcitrant cow over his shoulder.

When the twins were born, there was plenty of space in the house because Jean-Pierre's mother had gone to rest under a heavy stone in the Ploumar cemetery. That day, for the first time since his son's wedding, the elder Bacadou, ignored by the noisy crowd of unfamiliar women bustling in the kitchen, left his usual spot by the fireplace in the morning and walked into the empty cow shed, shaking his white hair gloomily. Grandsons were nice and all, but he wanted his soup at noon. When he was shown the babies, he stared at them with a fixed look and muttered something like, “It’s too much.” Whether he meant too much happiness or was simply commenting on the number of his grandkids is hard to say. He looked offended—as much as his old, wooden face could show anything—and for days afterwards, he could be seen sitting at the gate at almost any hour, with his nose on his knees, a pipe clenched between his gums, and looking like he was in a deep, sulky rage. Once he spoke to his son, referring to the newcomers with a groan: “They will fight over the land.” “Don’t worry about that, father,” Jean-Pierre replied solidly, passing by, bent over with a stubborn cow thrown over his shoulder.

He was happy, and so was Susan, his wife. It was not an ethereal joy welcoming new souls to struggle, perchance to victory. In fourteen years both boys would be a help; and, later on, Jean-Pierre pictured two big sons striding over the land from patch to patch, wringing tribute from the earth beloved and fruitful. Susan was happy too, for she did not want to be spoken of as the unfortunate woman, and now she had children no one could call her that. Both herself and her husband had seen something of the larger world—he during the time of his service; while she had spent a year or so in Paris with a Breton family; but had been too home-sick to remain longer away from the hilly and green country, set in a barren circle of rocks and sands, where she had been born. She thought that one of the boys ought perhaps to be a priest, but said nothing to her husband, who was a republican, and hated the “crows,” as he called the ministers of religion. The christening was a splendid affair. All the commune came to it, for the Bacadous were rich and influential, and, now and then, did not mind the expense. The grandfather had a new coat.

He was happy, and so was his wife, Susan. It wasn’t an otherworldly joy welcoming new lives to struggle, maybe towards victory. In fourteen years, both boys would be a help; later on, Jean-Pierre imagined his two tall sons walking across the land from farm to farm, earning their keep from the beloved and fertile earth. Susan was happy too because she didn’t want to be known as the unfortunate woman, and now that she had children, no one could label her that way. Both she and her husband had experienced a bit of the wider world—he during his service, and she had spent a year in Paris with a Breton family but had been too homesick to stay longer away from the hilly and green countryside surrounded by barren rocks and sands where she was born. She thought one of the boys might become a priest, but she didn’t mention it to her husband, who was a republican and despised the “crows,” as he called the religious ministers. The baptism was a grand event. Everyone in the commune attended because the Bacadous were wealthy and influential, and every now and then, they didn’t mind spending money. The grandfather wore a new coat.

Some months afterwards, one evening when the kitchen had been swept, and the door locked, Jean-Pierre, looking at the cot, asked his wife: “What’s the matter with those children?” And, as if these words, spoken calmly, had been the portent of misfortune, she answered with a loud wail that must have been heard across the yard in the pig-sty; for the pigs (the Bacadous had the finest pigs in the country) stirred and grunted complainingly in the night. The husband went on grinding his bread and butter slowly, gazing at the wall, the soup-plate smoking under his chin. He had returned late from the market, where he had overheard (not for the first time) whispers behind his back. He revolved the words in his mind as he drove back. “Simple! Both of them. . . . Never any use! . . . Well! May be, may be. One must see. Would ask his wife.” This was her answer. He felt like a blow on his chest, but said only: “Go, draw me some cider. I am thirsty!”

A few months later, one evening after the kitchen had been cleaned and the door locked, Jean-Pierre looked at the crib and asked his wife, “What’s wrong with those kids?” And as if his calm words had foretold trouble, she responded with a loud wail that could probably be heard all the way across the yard by the pigsty; the pigs (the Bacadous had the best pigs in the country) stirred and grunted unhappily in the night. The husband continued to slowly eat his bread and butter, staring at the wall, with the soup bowl steaming under his chin. He had come back late from the market, where he had overheard (not for the first time) whispers behind his back. He turned the words over in his mind as he drove home. “Simple! Both of them... Never any good! ... Well! Maybe, maybe. We’ll see. I should ask my wife.” This was her response. He felt like he had been punched in the chest, but he only said, “Go, pour me some cider. I’m thirsty!”

She went out moaning, an empty jug in her hand. Then he arose, took up the light, and moved slowly towards the cradle. They slept. He looked at them sideways, finished his mouthful there, went back heavily, and sat down before his plate. When his wife returned he never looked up, but swallowed a couple of spoonfuls noisily, and remarked, in a dull manner—

She walked out groaning, an empty jug in her hand. Then he got up, picked up the light, and slowly moved toward the cradle. They were sleeping. He glanced at them sideways, finished his bite, went back with a heavy sigh, and sat down in front of his plate. When his wife came back, he didn’t look up, but noisily swallowed a couple of spoonfuls and said, in a dull tone—

“When they sleep they are like other people’s children.”

“When they sleep, they’re like other people’s kids.”

She sat down suddenly on a stool near by, and shook with a silent tempest of sobs, unable to speak. He finished his meal, and remained idly thrown back in his chair, his eyes lost amongst the black rafters of the ceiling. Before him the tallow candle flared red and straight, sending up a slender thread of smoke. The light lay on the rough, sunburnt skin of his throat; the sunk cheeks were like patches of darkness, and his aspect was mournfully stolid, as if he had ruminated with difficulty endless ideas. Then he said, deliberately—

She suddenly sat down on a nearby stool and shook with a silent storm of sobs, unable to speak. He finished his meal and leaned back in his chair, his eyes lost in the black rafters of the ceiling. In front of him, the tallow candle flickered red and straight, sending up a thin curl of smoke. The light fell on the rough, sunburned skin of his throat; his hollow cheeks were like dark patches, and his expression was sadly expressionless, as if he had struggled to think through endless ideas. Then he said, deliberately—

“We must see . . . consult people. Don’t cry. . . . They won’t all be like that . . . surely! We must sleep now.”

“We need to talk to people. Don’t cry. They can’t all be like that, can they? We should get some sleep now.”

After the third child, also a boy, was born, Jean-Pierre went about his work with tense hopefulness. His lips seemed more narrow, more tightly compressed than before; as if for fear of letting the earth he tilled hear the voice of hope that murmured within his breast. He watched the child, stepping up to the cot with a heavy clang of sabots on the stone floor, and glanced in, along his shoulder, with that indifference which is like a deformity of peasant humanity. Like the earth they master and serve, those men, slow of eye and speech, do not show the inner fire; so that, at last, it becomes a question with them as with the earth, what there is in the core: heat, violence, a force mysterious and terrible—or nothing but a clod, a mass fertile and inert, cold and unfeeling, ready to bear a crop of plants that sustain life or give death.

After the third child, also a boy, was born, Jean-Pierre went about his work with a tense sense of hope. His lips seemed narrower, more tightly pressed together than before; as if he feared that the earth he tilled would hear the voice of hope that whispered within him. He watched the child, stepping up to the crib with the heavy clatter of wooden shoes on the stone floor, and peered in along his shoulder, with that indifference that is like a deformation of peasant humanity. Like the land they work and serve, those men, slow in their movements and speech, don’t reveal their inner passion; so, in the end, it becomes a question for them, just like with the earth, of what lies at the core: warmth, violence, a power that is mysterious and frightening—or just a lump, a mass that is fertile and lifeless, cold and unresponsive, ready to yield either life-sustaining plants or death.

The mother watched with other eyes; listened with otherwise expectant ears. Under the high hanging shelves supporting great sides of bacon overhead, her body was busy by the great fireplace, attentive to the pot swinging on iron gallows, scrubbing the long table where the field hands would sit down directly to their evening meal. Her mind remained by the cradle, night and day on the watch, to hope and suffer. That child, like the other two, never smiled, never stretched its hands to her, never spoke; never had a glance of recognition for her in its big black eyes, which could only stare fixedly at any glitter, but failed hopelessly to follow the brilliance of a sun-ray slipping slowly along the floor. When the men were at work she spent long days between her three idiot children and the childish grandfather, who sat grim, angular, and immovable, with his feet near the warm ashes of the fire. The feeble old fellow seemed to suspect that there was something wrong with his grandsons. Only once, moved either by affection or by the sense of proprieties, he attempted to nurse the youngest. He took the boy up from the floor, clicked his tongue at him, and essayed a shaky gallop of his bony knees. Then he looked closely with his misty eyes at the child’s face and deposited him down gently on the floor again. And he sat, his lean shanks crossed, nodding at the steam escaping from the cooking-pot with a gaze senile and worried.

The mother observed with different eyes and listened with expectant ears. Beneath the high shelves loaded with large pieces of bacon above her, she busied herself by the big fireplace, keeping an eye on the pot swinging on iron hooks, scrubbing the long table where the field workers would soon sit down for dinner. Her mind was always by the cradle, day and night, hoping and suffering. That child, like the other two, never smiled, never reached out to her, never spoke; it never acknowledged her with its big black eyes, which could only stare fixatedly at any sparkle but couldn't follow the glimmer of a sunbeam creeping slowly across the floor. While the men were working, she spent long days between her three disabled children and the childish grandfather, who sat grim and stiff, with his feet near the warm ashes of the fire. The frail old man seemed to suspect there was something wrong with his grandsons. Only once, either out of affection or a sense of duty, did he try to hold the youngest. He picked the boy up from the floor, clicked his tongue at him, and attempted a shaky bounce on his bony knees. Then he gazed closely at the child’s face with his cloudy eyes and gently set him back down on the floor. He sat back, his thin legs crossed, nodding at the steam rising from the cooking pot, with a gaze that was both weary and concerned.

Then mute affliction dwelt in Bacadou’s farmhouse, sharing the breath and the bread of its inhabitants; and the priest of the Ploumar parish had great cause for congratulation. He called upon the rich landowner, the Marquis de Chavanes, on purpose to deliver himself with joyful unction of solemn platitudes about the inscrutable ways of Providence. In the vast dimness of the curtained drawing-room, the little man, resembling a black bolster, leaned towards a couch, his hat on his knees, and gesticulated with a fat hand at the elongated, gracefully-flowing lines of the clear Parisian toilette from which the half-amused, half-bored marquise listened with gracious languor. He was exulting and humble, proud and awed. The impossible had come to pass. Jean-Pierre Bacadou, the enraged republican farmer, had been to mass last Sunday—had proposed to entertain the visiting priests at the next festival of Ploumar! It was a triumph for the Church and for the good cause. “I thought I would come at once to tell Monsieur le Marquis. I know how anxious he is for the welfare of our country,” declared the priest, wiping his face. He was asked to stay to dinner.

Then silent suffering lingered in Bacadou’s farmhouse, sharing the air and food with its residents; and the priest of the Ploumar parish had every reason to celebrate. He visited the wealthy landowner, the Marquis de Chavanes, specifically to express his joyful thoughts on the mysterious ways of Providence. In the vast dimness of the curtained drawing-room, the short man, resembling a black cushion, leaned toward a couch, his hat resting on his knees, and waved a chubby hand at the elegant lines of the stylish Parisian outfit from which the half-amused, half-bored marquise listened with gracious detachment. He was both elated and humble, proud and humbled. The unthinkable had occurred. Jean-Pierre Bacadou, the furious republican farmer, had attended mass last Sunday—had offered to host the visiting priests at the upcoming Ploumar festival! It was a victory for the Church and for the noble cause. “I thought I would come right away to inform Monsieur le Marquis. I know how concerned he is for the welfare of our country,” the priest said, wiping his brow. He was invited to stay for dinner.

The Chavanes returning that evening, after seeing their guest to the main gate of the park, discussed the matter while they strolled in the moonlight, trailing their long shadows up the straight avenue of chestnuts. The marquise, a royalist of course, had been mayor of the commune which includes Ploumar, the scattered hamlets of the coast, and the stony islands that fringe the yellow flatness of the sands. He had felt his position insecure, for there was a strong republican element in that part of the country; but now the conversion of Jean-Pierre made him safe. He was very pleased. “You have no idea how influential those people are,” he explained to his wife. “Now, I am sure, the next communal election will go all right. I shall be re-elected.” “Your ambition is perfectly insatiable, Charles,” exclaimed the marquise, gaily. “But, ma chere amie,” argued the husband, seriously, “it’s most important that the right man should be mayor this year, because of the elections to the Chamber. If you think it amuses me . . .”

The Chavanes were coming back that evening, having seen their guest to the main gate of the park. They talked about it while strolling in the moonlight, their long shadows following them up the straight avenue of chestnut trees. The marquise, a staunch royalist, had been mayor of the commune that includes Ploumar, the scattered coastal hamlets, and the rocky islands that line the yellow stretch of sand. He felt his position was shaky because there was a strong republican presence in that area, but Jean-Pierre's conversion made him feel secure. He was quite pleased. “You have no idea how influential those people are,” he told his wife. “Now, I’m sure the next communal election will go smoothly. I’ll be re-elected.” “Your ambition is endless, Charles,” the marquise said cheerfully. “But, my dear friend,” the husband countered seriously, “it’s crucial that the right person is mayor this year because of the elections for the Chamber. If you think it’s just for fun…”

Jean-Pierre had surrendered to his wife’s mother. Madame Levaille was a woman of business, known and respected within a radius of at least fifteen miles. Thick-set and stout, she was seen about the country, on foot or in an acquaintance’s cart, perpetually moving, in spite of her fifty-eight years, in steady pursuit of business. She had houses in all the hamlets, she worked quarries of granite, she freighted coasters with stone—even traded with the Channel Islands. She was broad-cheeked, wide-eyed, persuasive in speech: carrying her point with the placid and invincible obstinacy of an old woman who knows her own mind. She very seldom slept for two nights together in the same house; and the wayside inns were the best places to inquire in as to her whereabouts. She had either passed, or was expected to pass there at six; or somebody, coming in, had seen her in the morning, or expected to meet her that evening. After the inns that command the roads, the churches were the buildings she frequented most. Men of liberal opinions would induce small children to run into sacred edifices to see whether Madame Levaille was there, and to tell her that so-and-so was in the road waiting to speak to her about potatoes, or flour, or stones, or houses; and she would curtail her devotions, come out blinking and crossing herself into the sunshine; ready to discuss business matters in a calm, sensible way across a table in the kitchen of the inn opposite. Latterly she had stayed for a few days several times with her son-in-law, arguing against sorrow and misfortune with composed face and gentle tones. Jean-Pierre felt the convictions imbibed in the regiment torn out of his breast—not by arguments but by facts. Striding over his fields he thought it over. There were three of them. Three! All alike! Why? Such things did not happen to everybody—to nobody he ever heard of. One—might pass. But three! All three. Forever useless, to be fed while he lived and . . . What would become of the land when he died? This must be seen to. He would sacrifice his convictions. One day he told his wife—

Jean-Pierre had given in to his mother-in-law. Madame Levaille was a businesswoman, known and respected within a fifteen-mile radius. Sturdy and robust, she was constantly seen around the countryside, either walking or in someone else's cart, always on the move, despite being fifty-eight years old, in relentless pursuit of work. She owned properties in every village, operated granite quarries, shipped stone on coasters, and even traded with the Channel Islands. She had broad cheeks, wide eyes, and was persuasive in her speech, getting her way with the calm and unwavering stubbornness of an older woman who knows what she wants. She rarely spent two nights in the same place, and the roadside inns were the best spots to ask about her whereabouts. It was said she either had just passed through or was expected to be there around six; or someone, coming in, had seen her that morning or was set to meet her that evening. After the inns along the roads, the churches were the places she visited most often. Men with progressive ideas would send little kids into the churches to check if Madame Levaille was there and tell her that someone was waiting on the road to discuss potatoes, flour, stones, or houses; and she would cut her prayers short, come out blinking and crossing herself into the sunlight, ready to talk business calmly and sensibly at a kitchen table in the inn across the way. Recently, she had stayed with her son-in-law several times, arguing against sadness and misfortune with a composed expression and gentle voice. Jean-Pierre felt the beliefs he had learned in the army being ripped from him—not through discussions but through real experiences. Walking through his fields, he pondered this. There were three of them. Three! All the same! Why? Such things didn't happen to everyone—no one he knew had experienced them. One might be understandable. But three! All three. Forever dependent, to be fed while he lived and... What would happen to the land when he was gone? This needed to be addressed. He would have to set aside his beliefs. One day he told his wife—

“See what your God will do for us. Pay for some masses.”

“See what your God will do for us. Pay for some masses.”

Susan embraced her man. He stood unbending, then turned on his heels and went out. But afterwards, when a black soutane darkened his doorway, he did not object; even offered some cider himself to the priest. He listened to the talk meekly; went to mass between the two women; accomplished what the priest called “his religious duties” at Easter. That morning he felt like a man who had sold his soul. In the afternoon he fought ferociously with an old friend and neighbour who had remarked that the priests had the best of it and were now going to eat the priest-eater. He came home dishevelled and bleeding, and happening to catch sight of his children (they were kept generally out of the way), cursed and swore incoherently, banging the table. Susan wept. Madame Levaille sat serenely unmoved. She assured her daughter that “It will pass;” and taking up her thick umbrella, departed in haste to see after a schooner she was going to load with granite from her quarry.

Susan hugged her man. He stood stiff, then turned on his heels and left. But later, when a black robe appeared at his door, he didn't complain; he even offered the priest some cider himself. He listened to the conversation quietly; attended mass with the two women; and fulfilled what the priest called “his religious duties” at Easter. That morning, he felt like a man who had sold his soul. In the afternoon, he got into a fierce fight with an old friend and neighbor who had said that the priests had it easy and were now going to eat the priest-eater. He came home disheveled and bleeding and, catching sight of his children (who were usually kept out of sight), cursed and swore incoherently, pounding the table. Susan cried. Madame Levaille remained calm and untroubled. She told her daughter, “It will pass;” and grabbing her big umbrella, she hurried off to check on a schooner she was loading with granite from her quarry.

A year or so afterwards the girl was born. A girl. Jean-Pierre heard of it in the fields, and was so upset by the news that he sat down on the boundary wall and remained there till the evening, instead of going home as he was urged to do. A girl! He felt half cheated. However, when he got home he was partly reconciled to his fate. One could marry her to a good fellow—not to a good for nothing, but to a fellow with some understanding and a good pair of arms. Besides, the next may be a boy, he thought. Of course they would be all right. His new credulity knew of no doubt. The ill luck was broken. He spoke cheerily to his wife. She was also hopeful. Three priests came to that christening, and Madame Levaille was godmother. The child turned out an idiot too.

About a year later, the girl was born. A girl. Jean-Pierre heard about it in the fields and was so upset by the news that he sat down on the boundary wall and stayed there until evening instead of going home as he was encouraged to do. A girl! He felt somewhat cheated. However, when he got home, he was partly reconciled to his fate. He could marry her off to a decent guy—not to a loser, but to someone with some sense and a strong pair of arms. Besides, the next one might be a boy, he thought. Of course, they would be fine. His newfound hope didn’t entertain any doubts. The bad luck was over. He spoke cheerfully to his wife. She was also optimistic. Three priests attended the christening, and Madame Levaille was the godmother. The child turned out to be an idiot too.

Then on market days Jean-Pierre was seen bargaining bitterly, quarrelsome and greedy; then getting drunk with taciturn earnestness; then driving home in the dusk at a rate fit for a wedding, but with a face gloomy enough for a funeral. Sometimes he would insist on his wife coming with him; and they would drive in the early morning, shaking side by side on the narrow seat above the helpless pig, that, with tied legs, grunted a melancholy sigh at every rut. The morning drives were silent; but in the evening, coming home, Jean-Pierre, tipsy, was viciously muttering, and growled at the confounded woman who could not rear children that were like anybody else’s. Susan, holding on against the erratic swayings of the cart, pretended not to hear. Once, as they were driving through Ploumar, some obscure and drunken impulse caused him to pull up sharply opposite the church. The moon swam amongst light white clouds. The tombstones gleamed pale under the fretted shadows of the trees in the churchyard. Even the village dogs slept. Only the nightingales, awake, spun out the thrill of their song above the silence of graves. Jean-Pierre said thickly to his wife—

Then on market days, Jean-Pierre was seen haggling aggressively, argumentative and greedy; then getting drunk with a serious demeanor; then driving home at dusk like it was a celebration, but with a face dark enough for a funeral. Sometimes he would insist on his wife coming with him; they would drive in the early morning, bouncing side by side on the narrow seat over the helpless pig, which, with its legs tied, let out a sad grunt at every bump. The morning drives were quiet; but in the evening, as they returned home, Jean-Pierre, tipsy, muttered angrily and grumbled about the unfortunate woman who couldn’t raise children like anyone else’s. Susan, trying to stay steady against the uneven movements of the cart, acted like she didn’t hear him. Once, as they passed through Ploumar, some strange drunken impulse made him stop suddenly in front of the church. The moon floated among wispy white clouds. The tombstones shone faintly under the dappled shadows of the trees in the graveyard. Even the village dogs were asleep. Only the nightingales, awake, filled the quiet of the graves with their beautiful songs. Jean-Pierre slurred to his wife—

“What do you think is there?”

“What do you think is there?”

He pointed his whip at the tower—in which the big dial of the clock appeared high in the moonlight like a pallid face without eyes—and getting out carefully, fell down at once by the wheel. He picked himself up and climbed one by one the few steps to the iron gate of the churchyard. He put his face to the bars and called out indistinctly—

He pointed his whip at the tower, where the big clock dial looked like a pale face without eyes in the moonlight. Getting out carefully, he immediately fell by the wheel. He got back up and climbed the few steps to the iron gate of the churchyard one by one. He pressed his face against the bars and called out indistinctly—

“Hey there! Come out!”

“Hey! Come out!”

“Jean! Return! Return!” entreated his wife in low tones.

“Jean! Come back! Come back!” his wife pleaded softly.

He took no notice, and seemed to wait there. The song of nightingales beat on all sides against the high walls of the church, and flowed back between stone crosses and flat gray slabs, engraved with words of hope and sorrow.

He paid no attention and just seemed to wait there. The nightingales' song echoed all around the tall walls of the church and flowed back between stone crosses and flat gray slabs, etched with words of hope and sorrow.

“Hey! Come out!” shouted Jean-Pierre, loudly.

"Hey! Come out!" Jean-Pierre shouted loudly.

The nightingales ceased to sing.

The nightingales stopped singing.

“Nobody?” went on Jean-Pierre. “Nobody there. A swindle of the crows. That’s what this is. Nobody anywhere. I despise it. Allez! Houp!

“Anyone?” Jean-Pierre continued. “No one here. It’s a scam by the crows. That’s what this is. No one anywhere. I can’t stand it. Let’s go! Houp!

He shook the gate with all his strength, and the iron bars rattled with a frightful clanging, like a chain dragged over stone steps. A dog near by barked hurriedly. Jean-Pierre staggered back, and after three successive dashes got into his cart. Susan sat very quiet and still. He said to her with drunken severity—

He shook the gate with all his strength, and the iron bars rattled with a loud clanging, like a chain being dragged over stone steps. A nearby dog barked anxiously. Jean-Pierre stumbled back, and after three quick tries, he jumped into his cart. Susan sat very quiet and still. He said to her with a slurred seriousness—

“See? Nobody. I’ve been made a fool! Malheur! Somebody will pay for it. The next one I see near the house I will lay my whip on . . . on the black spine . . . I will. I don’t want him in there . . . he only helps the carrion crows to rob poor folk. I am a man. . . . We will see if I can’t have children like anybody else . . . now you mind. . . . They won’t be all . . . all . . . we see. . . .”

“See? Nobody. I’ve been made a fool! What a disaster! Someone will pay for this. The next person I see near the house, I’m going to whip them... right on the back... I will. I don’t want them in there... they only help the scavenger crows rob poor folks. I’m a man... We’ll see if I can’t have kids like anyone else... now you listen... They won’t all be... all... we see...”

She burst out through the fingers that hid her face—

She broke through the fingers that were hiding her face—

“Don’t say that, Jean; don’t say that, my man!”

“Don’t say that, Jean; don’t say that, dude!”

He struck her a swinging blow on the head with the back of his hand and knocked her into the bottom of the cart, where she crouched, thrown about lamentably by every jolt. He drove furiously, standing up, brandishing his whip, shaking the reins over the gray horse that galloped ponderously, making the heavy harness leap upon his broad quarters. The country rang clamorous in the night with the irritated barking of farm dogs, that followed the rattle of wheels all along the road. A couple of belated wayfarers had only just time to step into the ditch. At his own gate he caught the post and was shot out of the cart head first. The horse went on slowly to the door. At Susan’s piercing cries the farm hands rushed out. She thought him dead, but he was only sleeping where he fell, and cursed his men, who hastened to him, for disturbing his slumbers.

He hit her hard on the head with the back of his hand, knocking her to the bottom of the cart, where she crouched, getting tossed around painfully with every bump. He drove furiously, standing up, waving his whip, shaking the reins over the gray horse that galloped slowly, making the heavy harness bounce on his strong back. The countryside echoed at night with the loud barking of farm dogs that followed the sound of the wheels all along the road. A couple of late travelers barely had time to jump into the ditch. At his own gate, he caught the post and was thrown out of the cart headfirst. The horse continued on slowly to the door. At Susan’s desperate screams, the farmhands rushed out. She thought he was dead, but he was just sleeping where he fell, and he cursed his men for waking him up.

Autumn came. The clouded sky descended low upon the black contours of the hills; and the dead leaves danced in spiral whirls under naked trees, till the wind, sighing profoundly, laid them to rest in the hollows of bare valleys. And from morning till night one could see all over the land black denuded boughs, the boughs gnarled and twisted, as if contorted with pain, swaying sadly between the wet clouds and the soaked earth. The clear and gentle streams of summer days rushed discoloured and raging at the stones that barred the way to the sea, with the fury of madness bent upon suicide. From horizon to horizon the great road to the sands lay between the hills in a dull glitter of empty curves, resembling an unnavigable river of mud.

Autumn arrived. The cloudy sky hung low over the dark shapes of the hills, and the dead leaves swirled in spirals under bare trees until the wind, deeply sighing, settled them into the hollows of empty valleys. From morning to night, one could see across the landscape the black, stripped branches, gnarled and twisted as if in pain, swaying sadly between the wet clouds and the soaked ground. The clear, gentle streams of summer rushed, discolored and raging, at the stones obstructing their way to the sea, filled with a mad fury aimed at destruction. From horizon to horizon, the main road to the sands stretched between the hills, glistening dully with empty curves, looking like a river of mud that couldn't be navigated.

Jean-Pierre went from field to field, moving blurred and tall in the drizzle, or striding on the crests of rises, lonely and high upon the gray curtain of drifting clouds, as if he had been pacing along the very edge of the universe. He looked at the black earth, at the earth mute and promising, at the mysterious earth doing its work of life in death-like stillness under the veiled sorrow of the sky. And it seemed to him that to a man worse than childless there was no promise in the fertility of fields, that from him the earth escaped, defied him, frowned at him like the clouds, sombre and hurried above his head. Having to face alone his own fields, he felt the inferiority of man who passes away before the clod that remains. Must he give up the hope of having by his side a son who would look at the turned-up sods with a master’s eye? A man that would think as he thought, that would feel as he felt; a man who would be part of himself, and yet remain to trample masterfully on that earth when he was gone? He thought of some distant relations, and felt savage enough to curse them aloud. They! Never! He turned homewards, going straight at the roof of his dwelling, visible between the enlaced skeletons of trees. As he swung his legs over the stile a cawing flock of birds settled slowly on the field; dropped down behind his back, noiseless and fluttering, like flakes of soot.

Jean-Pierre walked from field to field, moving through the drizzle, or striding on the high spots, lonely and elevated against the gray curtain of drifting clouds, as if he were pacing along the very edge of the universe. He looked at the dark earth, at the silent but promising land, at the mysterious ground doing its job of life in death-like stillness under the veiled sadness of the sky. And it seemed to him that for a man worse than childless, there was no hope in the fertility of the fields, that the earth slipped away from him, defied him, and glared at him like the gloomy clouds racing above his head. Facing his own fields alone, he felt the inferiority of a man who fades away while the soil remains. Must he give up the dream of having a son by his side who would view the turned-up earth with a master's perspective? A son who would think as he thought, feel as he felt; a person who would be part of him, yet remain to command that land when he was gone? He thought of some distant relatives and felt angry enough to curse them out loud. Them! Never! He turned toward home, heading straight for the roof of his house, visible between the entwined skeletons of trees. As he swung his legs over the stile, a cawing flock of birds settled slowly on the field; they dropped down behind him, silent and fluttering, like flakes of soot.

That day Madame Levaille had gone early in the afternoon to the house she had near Kervanion. She had to pay some of the men who worked in her granite quarry there, and she went in good time because her little house contained a shop where the workmen could spend their wages without the trouble of going to town. The house stood alone amongst rocks. A lane of mud and stones ended at the door. The sea-winds coming ashore on Stonecutter’s point, fresh from the fierce turmoil of the waves, howled violently at the unmoved heaps of black boulders holding up steadily short-armed, high crosses against the tremendous rush of the invisible. In the sweep of gales the sheltered dwelling stood in a calm resonant and disquieting, like the calm in the centre of a hurricane. On stormy nights, when the tide was out, the bay of Fougere, fifty feet below the house, resembled an immense black pit, from which ascended mutterings and sighs as if the sands down there had been alive and complaining. At high tide the returning water assaulted the ledges of rock in short rushes, ending in bursts of livid light and columns of spray, that flew inland, stinging to death the grass of pastures.

That day, Madame Levaille had gone to her house near Kervanion early in the afternoon. She needed to pay some of the workers at her granite quarry, and she arrived in good time because her little house had a shop where the workers could spend their wages without the hassle of going into town. The house was set apart among the rocks, with a lane of mud and stones leading up to the door. The sea winds blowing in at Stonecutter's Point, fresh from the wild turmoil of the waves, howled fiercely at the unmoved piles of black boulders, which stood firm with short-armed, tall crosses against the powerful rush of the unseen. In the swirling gales, the sheltered home felt calm yet unsettling, like the eye of a hurricane. On stormy nights, when the tide was out, the bay of Fougere, fifty feet below the house, looked like a vast black pit, filled with murmurs and sighs as if the sands down there were alive and grumbling. At high tide, the returning water crashed against the rock ledges in short bursts, ending in flashes of bright light and clouds of spray that flew inland, harshly stinging the grass of the fields.

The darkness came from the hills, flowed over the coast, put out the red fires of sunset, and went on to seaward pursuing the retiring tide. The wind dropped with the sun, leaving a maddened sea and a devastated sky. The heavens above the house seemed to be draped in black rags, held up here and there by pins of fire. Madame Levaille, for this evening the servant of her own workmen, tried to induce them to depart. “An old woman like me ought to be in bed at this late hour,” she good-humouredly repeated. The quarrymen drank, asked for more. They shouted over the table as if they had been talking across a field. At one end four of them played cards, banging the wood with their hard knuckles, and swearing at every lead. One sat with a lost gaze, humming a bar of some song, which he repeated endlessly. Two others, in a corner, were quarrelling confidentially and fiercely over some woman, looking close into one another’s eyes as if they had wanted to tear them out, but speaking in whispers that promised violence and murder discreetly, in a venomous sibillation of subdued words. The atmosphere in there was thick enough to slice with a knife. Three candles burning about the long room glowed red and dull like sparks expiring in ashes.

The darkness rolled in from the hills, swept over the coast, snuffed out the red fires of sunset, and moved out to sea, chasing the retreating tide. The wind calmed with the sun, leaving behind a frenzied sea and a ravaged sky. The heavens above the house looked like they were draped in black rags, held up here and there by sparks of fire. Madame Levaille, for tonight serving her own workers, tried to get them to leave. “An old woman like me should be in bed at this hour,” she cheerfully repeated. The quarrymen drank and asked for more. They shouted across the table as if they were calling out across a field. At one end, four of them played cards, slamming their knuckles on the wood and cursing with every bad draw. One man sat with a vacant stare, humming a line from a song, which he repeated endlessly. Two others, in a corner, were intensely arguing about a woman, staring into each other's eyes as if they wanted to gouge them out, but speaking in whispers laced with the promise of violence, in a venomous hissing of muted words. The atmosphere in there was thick enough to cut with a knife. Three candles burning around the long room glowed red and dim like sparks fading in ashes.

The slight click of the iron latch was at that late hour as unexpected and startling as a thunder-clap. Madame Levaille put down a bottle she held above a liqueur glass; the players turned their heads; the whispered quarrel ceased; only the singer, after darting a glance at the door, went on humming with a stolid face. Susan appeared in the doorway, stepped in, flung the door to, and put her back against it, saying, half aloud—

The soft click of the iron latch at that late hour was as surprising and jarring as a thunderclap. Madame Levaille set down a bottle she was holding over a liqueur glass; the players turned their heads; the quiet argument stopped; only the singer, after glancing at the door, continued humming with an impassive expression. Susan appeared in the doorway, stepped inside, slammed the door shut, and leaned against it, saying, half aloud—

“Mother!”

“Mom!”

Madame Levaille, taking up the bottle again, said calmly: “Here you are, my girl. What a state you are in!” The neck of the bottle rang on the rim of the glass, for the old woman was startled, and the idea that the farm had caught fire had entered her head. She could think of no other cause for her daughter’s appearance.

Madame Levaille, picking up the bottle again, said calmly: “Here you go, my girl. What a state you’re in!” The neck of the bottle clinked against the rim of the glass since the old woman was startled, and the thought that the farm had caught fire crossed her mind. She couldn’t think of any other reason for her daughter’s appearance.

Susan, soaked and muddy, stared the whole length of the room towards the men at the far end. Her mother asked—

Susan, soaked and muddy, stared across the entire room at the men at the far end. Her mom asked—

“What has happened? God guard us from misfortune!”

“What just happened? May God protect us from bad luck!”

Susan moved her lips. No sound came. Madame Levaille stepped up to her daughter, took her by the arm, looked into her face.

Susan moved her lips. No sound came. Madame Levaille stepped up to her daughter, took her by the arm, and looked into her face.

“In God’s name,” she said, shakily, “what’s the matter? You have been rolling in mud. . . . Why did you come? . . . Where’s Jean?”

“In God’s name,” she said, trembling, “what’s wrong? You’re covered in mud. . . . Why did you come? . . . Where’s Jean?”

The men had all got up and approached slowly, staring with dull surprise. Madame Levaille jerked her daughter away from the door, swung her round upon a seat close to the wall. Then she turned fiercely to the men—

The men all got up and walked over slowly, staring with blank surprise. Madame Levaille yanked her daughter away from the door and spun her around onto a chair near the wall. Then she turned sharply to the men—

“Enough of this! Out you go—you others! I close.”

“Enough of this! You all can leave now! I’m done.”

One of them observed, looking down at Susan collapsed on the seat: “She is—one may say—half dead.”

One of them remarked, looking down at Susan slumped in the seat: “She is—one could say—half dead.”

Madame Levaille flung the door open.

Madame Levaille swung the door open.

“Get out! March!” she cried, shaking nervously.

“Get out! Go!” she shouted, shaking nervously.

They dropped out into the night, laughing stupidly. Outside, the two Lotharios broke out into loud shouts. The others tried to soothe them, all talking at once. The noise went away up the lane with the men, who staggered together in a tight knot, remonstrating with one another foolishly.

They stepped out into the night, laughing uncontrollably. Outside, the two charmers started yelling loudly. The others tried to calm them down, all speaking at the same time. The noise drifted up the lane with the men, who stumbled together in a tight group, arguing with each other foolishly.

“Speak, Susan. What is it? Speak!” entreated Madame Levaille, as soon as the door was shut.

“Talk to me, Susan. What’s going on? Speak!” urged Madame Levaille, as soon as the door was closed.

Susan pronounced some incomprehensible words, glaring at the table. The old woman clapped her hands above her head, let them drop, and stood looking at her daughter with disconsolate eyes. Her husband had been “deranged in his head” for a few years before he died, and now she began to suspect her daughter was going mad. She asked, pressingly—

Susan muttered some unintelligible words, staring at the table. The old woman clapped her hands above her head, let them fall, and stood there looking at her daughter with sad eyes. Her husband had been "crazy" for a few years before he died, and now she was starting to think her daughter was losing her mind. She asked, urgently—

“Does Jean know where you are? Where is Jean?”

“Does Jean know where you are? Where is Jean?”

“He knows . . . he is dead.”

"He knows... he's dead."

“What!” cried the old woman. She came up near, and peering at her daughter, repeated three times: “What do you say? What do you say? What do you say?”

“What!” shouted the old woman. She stepped closer and, squinting at her daughter, asked three times: “What do you say? What do you say? What do you say?”

Susan sat dry-eyed and stony before Madame Levaille, who contemplated her, feeling a strange sense of inexplicable horror creep into the silence of the house. She had hardly realised the news, further than to understand that she had been brought in one short moment face to face with something unexpected and final. It did not even occur to her to ask for any explanation. She thought: accident—terrible accident—blood to the head—fell down a trap door in the loft. . . . She remained there, distracted and mute, blinking her old eyes.

Susan sat there, dry-eyed and expressionless, in front of Madame Levaille, who studied her, feeling an odd sense of inexplicable dread settle over the quiet house. She barely grasped the news, only realizing that she had been suddenly confronted with something shocking and irreversible. It didn't even cross her mind to ask for an explanation. She thought: accident—horrible accident—blood to the head—fell through a trap door in the attic... She stayed there, lost in thought and silent, blinking her weary eyes.

Suddenly, Susan said—

Suddenly, Susan said—

“I have killed him.”

"I killed him."

For a moment the mother stood still, almost unbreathing, but with composed face. The next second she burst out into a shout—

For a moment, the mother stood still, barely breathing, but with a composed expression. The next second, she let out a shout—

“You miserable madwoman . . . they will cut your neck. . . .”

"You pathetic crazy woman... they're going to slit your throat..."

She fancied the gendarmes entering the house, saying to her: “We want your daughter; give her up:” the gendarmes with the severe, hard faces of men on duty. She knew the brigadier well—an old friend, familiar and respectful, saying heartily, “To your good health, Madame!” before lifting to his lips the small glass of cognac—out of the special bottle she kept for friends. And now! . . . She was losing her head. She rushed here and there, as if looking for something urgently needed—gave that up, stood stock still in the middle of the room, and screamed at her daughter—

She imagined the police coming into the house, saying to her, “We want your daughter; hand her over.” The officers had serious, stern faces like men on a mission. She knew the sergeant well—an old friend, friendly and respectful, toasting, “To your good health, Madame!” before raising the small glass of cognac from the special bottle she kept for friends to his lips. And now! . . . She was losing her mind. She rushed around in a panic, as if searching for something she desperately needed—gave that up, stood frozen in the middle of the room, and screamed at her daughter—

“Why? Say! Say! Why?”

“Why? Tell me! Tell me why?”

The other seemed to leap out of her strange apathy.

The other seemed to burst out of her weird indifference.

“Do you think I am made of stone?” she shouted back, striding towards her mother.

“Do you think I'm made of stone?” she shouted back, walking towards her mother.

“No! It’s impossible . . .” said Madame Levaille, in a convinced tone.

“No! It’s impossible...” said Madame Levaille, sounding convinced.

“You go and see, mother,” retorted Susan, looking at her with blazing eyes. “There’s no money in heaven—no justice. No! . . . I did not know. . . . Do you think I have no heart? Do you think I have never heard people jeering at me, pitying me, wondering at me? Do you know how some of them were calling me? The mother of idiots—that was my nickname! And my children never would know me, never speak to me. They would know nothing; neither men—nor God. Haven’t I prayed! But the Mother of God herself would not hear me. A mother! . . . Who is accursed—I, or the man who is dead? Eh? Tell me. I took care of myself. Do you think I would defy the anger of God and have my house full of those things—that are worse than animals who know the hand that feeds them? Who blasphemed in the night at the very church door? Was it I? . . . I only wept and prayed for mercy . . . and I feel the curse at every moment of the day—I see it round me from morning to night . . . I’ve got to keep them alive—to take care of my misfortune and shame. And he would come. I begged him and Heaven for mercy. . . . No! . . . Then we shall see. . . . He came this evening. I thought to myself: ‘Ah! again!’ . . . I had my long scissors. I heard him shouting . . . I saw him near. . . . I must—must I? . . . Then take! . . . And I struck him in the throat above the breastbone. . . . I never heard him even sigh. . . . I left him standing. . . . It was a minute ago. How did I come here?”

“You go and see, mom,” Susan shot back, glaring at her with fiery eyes. “There’s no money in heaven—no justice. No! . . . I didn’t know. . . . Do you think I don’t have a heart? Do you think I’ve never heard people mocking me, feeling sorry for me, wondering about me? Do you know what some of them called me? The mother of idiots—that was my nickname! And my kids will never know me, never talk to me. They’d know nothing; neither men—nor God. Haven’t I prayed! But even the Mother of God wouldn’t hear me. A mother! . . . Who’s cursed—I, or the man who’s dead? Huh? Tell me. I took care of myself. Do you think I would defy God’s anger and fill my house with things—that are worse than animals that know who feeds them? Who blasphemed at the church door at night? Was it me? . . . I just wept and prayed for mercy . . . and I feel the curse every moment of the day—I see it around me from morning to night . . . I’ve got to keep them alive—to deal with my misfortune and shame. And he would come. I begged him and Heaven for mercy. . . . No! . . . Then we shall see. . . . He came this evening. I thought to myself: ‘Ah! Here we go again!’ . . . I had my long scissors. I heard him yelling . . . I saw him nearby. . . . Do I have to? . . . Then take! . . . And I stabbed him in the throat above the breastbone. . . . I never heard him even sigh. . . . I left him standing. . . . It was just a minute ago. How did I get here?”

Madame Levaille shivered. A wave of cold ran down her back, down her fat arms under her tight sleeves, made her stamp gently where she stood. Quivers ran over the broad cheeks, across the thin lips, ran amongst the wrinkles at the corners of her steady old eyes. She stammered—

Madame Levaille shivered. A wave of cold ran down her back, through her thick arms beneath her tight sleeves, making her stamp gently where she stood. Shivers coursed over her broad cheeks, across her thin lips, and through the wrinkles at the corners of her steady old eyes. She stammered—

“You wicked woman—you disgrace me. But there! You always resembled your father. What do you think will become of you . . . in the other world? In this . . . Oh misery!”

“You evil woman—you shame me. But there! You’ve always been just like your father. What do you think will happen to you... in the afterlife? In this... Oh, what a tragedy!”

She was very hot now. She felt burning inside. She wrung her perspiring hands—and suddenly, starting in great haste, began to look for her big shawl and umbrella, feverishly, never once glancing at her daughter, who stood in the middle of the room following her with a gaze distracted and cold.

She was feeling really hot now. She felt like she was burning up inside. She wrung her sweaty hands and suddenly, in a rush, started looking for her big shawl and umbrella, anxiously, never once looking at her daughter, who stood in the middle of the room watching her with a distracted and cold gaze.

“Nothing worse than in this,” said Susan.

“Nothing worse than this,” said Susan.

Her mother, umbrella in hand and trailing the shawl over the floor, groaned profoundly.

Her mother, holding an umbrella and dragging her shawl on the floor, groaned deeply.

“I must go to the priest,” she burst out passionately. “I do not know whether you even speak the truth! You are a horrible woman. They will find you anywhere. You may stay here—or go. There is no room for you in this world.”

“I have to go to the priest,” she exclaimed passionately. “I don’t even know if you're telling the truth! You’re a terrible woman. They’ll find you anywhere. You can stay here—or leave. There’s no place for you in this world.”

Ready now to depart, she yet wandered aimlessly about the room, putting the bottles on the shelf, trying to fit with trembling hands the covers on cardboard boxes. Whenever the real sense of what she had heard emerged for a second from the haze of her thoughts she would fancy that something had exploded in her brain without, unfortunately, bursting her head to pieces—which would have been a relief. She blew the candles out one by one without knowing it, and was horribly startled by the darkness. She fell on a bench and began to whimper. After a while she ceased, and sat listening to the breathing of her daughter, whom she could hardly see, still and upright, giving no other sign of life. She was becoming old rapidly at last, during those minutes. She spoke in tones unsteady, cut about by the rattle of teeth, like one shaken by a deadly cold fit of ague.

Ready to leave, she wandered around the room aimlessly, putting the bottles on the shelf and trying to fit the covers on cardboard boxes with trembling hands. Whenever the true meaning of what she had heard surfaced briefly from the fog of her thoughts, she felt as if something had exploded in her brain, though, unfortunately, her head didn't burst apart—which would have been a relief. She blew out the candles one by one without realizing it, and was horrified by the darkness. She collapsed onto a bench and started to cry. After a while, she stopped and sat, listening to her daughter's breathing, which she could barely see, still and upright, showing no other signs of life. In those moments, she was rapidly aging. Her voice was shaky, interrupted by chattering teeth, like someone suffering from a severe chill.

“I wish you had died little. I will never dare to show my old head in the sunshine again. There are worse misfortunes than idiot children. I wish you had been born to me simple—like your own. . . .”

“I wish you had died young. I will never have the courage to show my old face in the sunlight again. There are worse misfortunes than having foolish children. I wish you had been born to me simple—like your own. . . .”

She saw the figure of her daughter pass before the faint and livid clearness of a window. Then it appeared in the doorway for a second, and the door swung to with a clang. Madame Levaille, as if awakened by the noise from a long nightmare, rushed out.

She saw her daughter’s figure move past the dim and pale light of a window. Then it appeared in the doorway for a moment, and the door slammed shut. Madame Levaille, as if jolted awake from a long nightmare by the noise, rushed out.

“Susan!” she shouted from the doorstep.

“Susan!” she yelled from the front door.

She heard a stone roll a long time down the declivity of the rocky beach above the sands. She stepped forward cautiously, one hand on the wall of the house, and peered down into the smooth darkness of the empty bay. Once again she cried—

She heard a stone tumble down the slope of the rocky beach above the sand. She stepped forward carefully, one hand on the wall of the house, and looked down into the smooth darkness of the empty bay. Once again, she shouted—

“Susan! You will kill yourself there.”

“Susan! You’re going to hurt yourself there.”

The stone had taken its last leap in the dark, and she heard nothing now. A sudden thought seemed to strangle her, and she called no more. She turned her back upon the black silence of the pit and went up the lane towards Ploumar, stumbling along with sombre determination, as if she had started on a desperate journey that would last, perhaps, to the end of her life. A sullen and periodic clamour of waves rolling over reefs followed her far inland between the high hedges sheltering the gloomy solitude of the fields.

The stone had made its final leap into the darkness, and she heard nothing now. A sudden thought seemed to choke her, and she stopped calling out. She turned away from the dark silence of the pit and walked up the lane toward Ploumar, stumbling forward with a heavy sense of determination, as if she had embarked on a desperate journey that could last until the end of her life. A dull, rhythmic roar of waves crashing over reefs followed her deep into the countryside, between the tall hedges that shielded the bleak solitude of the fields.

Susan had run out, swerving sharp to the left at the door, and on the edge of the slope crouched down behind a boulder. A dislodged stone went on downwards, rattling as it leaped. When Madame Levaille called out, Susan could have, by stretching her hand, touched her mother’s skirt, had she had the courage to move a limb. She saw the old woman go away, and she remained still, closing her eyes and pressing her side to the hard and rugged surface of the rock. After a while a familiar face with fixed eyes and an open mouth became visible in the intense obscurity amongst the boulders. She uttered a low cry and stood up. The face vanished, leaving her to gasp and shiver alone in the wilderness of stone heaps. But as soon as she had crouched down again to rest, with her head against the rock, the face returned, came very near, appeared eager to finish the speech that had been cut short by death, only a moment ago. She scrambled quickly to her feet and said: “Go away, or I will do it again.” The thing wavered, swung to the right, to the left. She moved this way and that, stepped back, fancied herself screaming at it, and was appalled by the unbroken stillness of the night. She tottered on the brink, felt the steep declivity under her feet, and rushed down blindly to save herself from a headlong fall. The shingle seemed to wake up; the pebbles began to roll before her, pursued her from above, raced down with her on both sides, rolling past with an increasing clatter. In the peace of the night the noise grew, deepening to a rumour, continuous and violent, as if the whole semicircle of the stony beach had started to tumble down into the bay. Susan’s feet hardly touched the slope that seemed to run down with her. At the bottom she stumbled, shot forward, throwing her arms out, and fell heavily. She jumped up at once and turned swiftly to look back, her clenched hands full of sand she had clutched in her fall. The face was there, keeping its distance, visible in its own sheen that made a pale stain in the night. She shouted, “Go away!”—she shouted at it with pain, with fear, with all the rage of that useless stab that could not keep him quiet, keep him out of her sight. What did he want now? He was dead. Dead men have no children. Would he never leave her alone? She shrieked at it—waved her outstretched hands. She seemed to feel the breath of parted lips, and, with a long cry of discouragement, fled across the level bottom of the bay.

Susan ran out, swerving sharply to the left at the door, and crouched behind a boulder on the edge of the slope. A dislodged stone tumbled down, rattling as it bounced. When Madame Levaille called out, Susan could have reached out and touched her mother’s skirt if she had the courage to move. She watched the old woman walk away and stayed still, closing her eyes and pressing her side against the hard, rugged rock. After a while, a familiar face with fixed eyes and an open mouth appeared in the deep darkness among the boulders. She let out a low cry and stood up. The face disappeared, leaving her gasping and shivering alone in the rocky wilderness. But as soon as she crouched down again to rest with her head against the rock, the face returned, coming very close, seeming eager to finish the words that had been interrupted by death just moments ago. She quickly scrambled to her feet and said, “Go away, or I’ll do it again.” The thing wavered, swinging to the right and to the left. She moved this way and that, stepped back, thought she was screaming at it, and was horrified by the unbroken stillness of the night. She teetered on the edge, felt the steep slope beneath her feet, and rushed down blindly to prevent a fall. The shingle seemed to come alive; the pebbles started to roll in front of her, chasing her from above, racing down with her on both sides, clattering louder as they passed. In the stillness of the night, the noise grew, deepening into a continuous, violent rumble, as if the entire stony beach was crashing down into the bay. Susan’s feet barely touched the slope, which felt like it was sliding down with her. At the bottom, she stumbled, shot forward, threw her arms out, and fell heavily. She jumped up immediately and turned quickly to look back, her clenched hands full of sand from her fall. The face was there, keeping its distance, visible in its own glow that made a pale stain in the night. She shouted, “Go away!”—she shouted at it with pain, fear, and all the rage of that futile stab that couldn’t silence him or keep him out of her sight. What did he want now? He was dead. Dead men don’t have children. Would he never leave her alone? She screamed at it—waved her outstretched hands. She felt the breath of parted lips and, with a long cry of despair, fled across the flat bottom of the bay.

She ran lightly, unaware of any effort of her body. High sharp rocks that, when the bay is full, show above the glittering plain of blue water like pointed towers of submerged churches, glided past her, rushing to the land at a tremendous pace. To the left, in the distance, she could see something shining: a broad disc of light in which narrow shadows pivoted round the centre like the spokes of a wheel. She heard a voice calling, “Hey! There!” and answered with a wild scream. So, he could call yet! He was calling after her to stop. Never! . . . She tore through the night, past the startled group of seaweed-gatherers who stood round their lantern paralysed with fear at the unearthly screech coming from that fleeing shadow. The men leaned on their pitchforks staring fearfully. A woman fell on her knees, and, crossing herself, began to pray aloud. A little girl with her ragged skirt full of slimy seaweed began to sob despairingly, lugging her soaked burden close to the man who carried the light. Somebody said: “The thing ran out towards the sea.” Another voice exclaimed: “And the sea is coming back! Look at the spreading puddles. Do you hear—you woman—there! Get up!” Several voices cried together. “Yes, let us be off! Let the accursed thing go to the sea!” They moved on, keeping close round the light. Suddenly a man swore loudly. He would go and see what was the matter. It had been a woman’s voice. He would go. There were shrill protests from women—but his high form detached itself from the group and went off running. They sent an unanimous call of scared voices after him. A word, insulting and mocking, came back, thrown at them through the darkness. A woman moaned. An old man said gravely: “Such things ought to be left alone.” They went on slower, shuffling in the yielding sand and whispering to one another that Millot feared nothing, having no religion, but that it would end badly some day.

She ran effortlessly, not aware of how her body was working. The sharp rocks that, when the bay is full, stick out above the shimmering blue water like the pointed spires of sunken churches, flew past her as she rushed to the shore at an incredible speed. To her left, in the distance, she noticed something shining: a wide disc of light with narrow shadows spinning around the center like the spokes of a wheel. She heard someone calling, “Hey! There!” and responded with a wild scream. So, he could still call after her! He was trying to get her to stop. Never! . . . She burst through the night, swiftly passing the startled group of seaweed collectors who were frozen in fear by the eerie scream coming from that fleeing shadow. The men leaned on their pitchforks, staring in terror. A woman dropped to her knees, crossed herself, and began praying loudly. A little girl with a tattered skirt full of slimy seaweed started sobbing, dragging her soaked load toward the man holding the light. Someone said, “The thing ran out toward the sea.” Another voice shouted, “And the sea is coming back! Look at the spreading puddles. Do you hear—hey you, woman—over there! Get up!” Several voices shouted together, “Yes, let’s get out of here! Let that cursed thing go to the sea!” They moved on, staying close to the light. Suddenly, a man swore loudly. He was going to see what was happening. It had been a woman’s voice. He was going. The women protested sharply—but he pulled away from the group and ran off. They sent a joint cry of frightened voices after him. An insulting and mocking word came back, thrown at them through the darkness. A woman moaned. An old man said gravely, “Such things should be left alone.” They continued moving slowly, shuffling through the soft sand, whispering to one another that Millot feared nothing because he had no religion, but that it would end badly someday.

Susan met the incoming tide by the Raven islet and stopped, panting, with her feet in the water. She heard the murmur and felt the cold caress of the sea, and, calmer now, could see the sombre and confused mass of the Raven on one side and on the other the long white streak of Molene sands that are left high above the dry bottom of Fougere Bay at every ebb. She turned round and saw far away, along the starred background of the sky, the ragged outline of the coast. Above it, nearly facing her, appeared the tower of Ploumar Church; a slender and tall pyramid shooting up dark and pointed into the clustered glitter of the stars. She felt strangely calm. She knew where she was, and began to remember how she came there—and why. She peered into the smooth obscurity near her. She was alone. There was nothing there; nothing near her, either living or dead.

Susan met the rising tide by Raven islet and paused, breathless, with her feet in the water. She heard the soft sounds and felt the cold touch of the sea, and now feeling calmer, could see the dark and chaotic shape of the Raven on one side and on the other, the long white stretch of Molene sands that are left high above the dry bottom of Fougere Bay at each low tide. She turned around and saw far away, against the starry sky, the jagged outline of the coastline. Above it, nearly facing her, was the tower of Ploumar Church; a slender, tall pyramid reaching dark and pointed into the cluster of stars. She felt oddly at peace. She knew where she was and started to remember how she got there—and why. She looked into the smooth darkness nearby. She was alone. There was nothing there; nothing close to her, either living or dead.

The tide was creeping in quietly, putting out long impatient arms of strange rivulets that ran towards the land between ridges of sand. Under the night the pools grew bigger with mysterious rapidity, while the great sea, yet far off, thundered in a regular rhythm along the indistinct line of the horizon. Susan splashed her way back for a few yards without being able to get clear of the water that murmured tenderly all around and, suddenly, with a spiteful gurgle, nearly took her off her feet. Her heart thumped with fear. This place was too big and too empty to die in. To-morrow they would do with her what they liked. But before she died she must tell them—tell the gentlemen in black clothes that there are things no woman can bear. She must explain how it happened. . . . She splashed through a pool, getting wet to the waist, too preoccupied to care. . . . She must explain. “He came in the same way as ever and said, just so: ‘Do you think I am going to leave the land to those people from Morbihan that I do not know? Do you? We shall see! Come along, you creature of mischance!’ And he put his arms out. Then, Messieurs, I said: ‘Before God—never!’ And he said, striding at me with open palms: ‘There is no God to hold me! Do you understand, you useless carcase. I will do what I like.’ And he took me by the shoulders. Then I, Messieurs, called to God for help, and next minute, while he was shaking me, I felt my long scissors in my hand. His shirt was unbuttoned, and, by the candle-light, I saw the hollow of his throat. I cried: ‘Let go!’ He was crushing my shoulders. He was strong, my man was! Then I thought: No! . . . Must I? . . . Then take!—and I struck in the hollow place. I never saw him fall. . . . The old father never turned his head. He is deaf and childish, gentlemen. . . . Nobody saw him fall. I ran out . . . Nobody saw. . . .”

The tide was quietly creeping in, sending long, impatient streams of water towards the shore between mounds of sand. Under the night, the pools expanded quickly and mysteriously, while the distant sea thundered steadily along the blurry horizon. Susan splashed back a few steps, unable to escape the water that gently murmured all around her, and suddenly, with a spiteful gurgle, it almost knocked her off her feet. Her heart raced with fear. This place felt too vast and empty to die in. Tomorrow, they would do whatever they wanted with her. But before she died, she had to tell them—tell the men in black suits that there are things no woman can endure. She had to explain how it all happened... She splashed through a pool, getting soaked to the waist, too lost in thought to care... She had to explain. "He came in as usual and said, exactly: ‘Do you think I’m going to leave the land to those people from Morbihan that I don’t know? Do you? We shall see! Come along, you unfortunate creature!’ And he reached out his arms. Then, gentlemen, I said: ‘Before God—never!’ And he said, striding towards me with outstretched hands: ‘There is no God to stop me! Do you understand, you worthless being? I will do what I want.’ And he grabbed my shoulders. Then I, gentlemen, called to God for help, and the next moment, while he was shaking me, I felt my long scissors in my hand. His shirt was unbuttoned, and by the candlelight, I saw the hollow of his throat. I shouted: ‘Let go!’ He was crushing my shoulders. He was strong, my man was! Then I thought: No!... Must I?... Then take!—and I struck in the hollow place. I never saw him fall... The old father never turned his head. He is deaf and childish, gentlemen... Nobody saw him fall. I ran out... Nobody saw..."

She had been scrambling amongst the boulders of the Raven and now found herself, all out of breath, standing amongst the heavy shadows of the rocky islet. The Raven is connected with the main land by a natural pier of immense and slippery stones. She intended to return home that way. Was he still standing there? At home. Home! Four idiots and a corpse. She must go back and explain. Anybody would understand. . . .

She had been climbing over the boulders of the Raven and now found herself, out of breath, standing in the thick shadows of the rocky islet. The Raven is linked to the mainland by a natural pier of huge, slippery stones. She planned to go back home that way. Was he still there? At home. Home! Four fools and a dead body. She had to go back and explain. Anyone would get it. . . .

Below her the night or the sea seemed to pronounce distinctly—

Below her, the night or the sea seemed to clearly pronounce—

“Aha! I see you at last!”

“Gotcha! I can see you now!”

She started, slipped, fell; and without attempting to rise, listened, terrified. She heard heavy breathing, a clatter of wooden clogs. It stopped.

She started, slipped, fell; and without trying to get up, listened, terrified. She heard heavy breathing, a clatter of wooden clogs. It stopped.

“Where the devil did you pass?” said an invisible man, hoarsely.

“Where on earth did you go?” said an invisible man, hoarsely.

She held her breath. She recognized the voice. She had not seen him fall. Was he pursuing her there dead, or perhaps . . . alive?

She held her breath. She recognized the voice. She hadn’t seen him fall. Was he chasing her there dead, or maybe . . . alive?

She lost her head. She cried from the crevice where she lay huddled, “Never, never!”

She lost her mind. She cried from the spot where she lay curled up, “Never, never!”

“Ah! You are still there. You led me a fine dance. Wait, my beauty, I must see how you look after all this. You wait. . . .”

“Ah! You’re still here. You really kept me on my toes. Hang on, my lovely, I need to see how you look after all this. Just a moment…”

Millot was stumbling, laughing, swearing meaninglessly out of pure satisfaction, pleased with himself for having run down that fly-by-night. “As if there were such things as ghosts! Bah! It took an old African soldier to show those clodhoppers. . . . But it was curious. Who the devil was she?”

Millot was stumbling, laughing, swearing randomly out of pure satisfaction, feeling proud of himself for having taken down that transient person. “As if ghosts actually exist! Bah! It took an old African soldier to show those idiots... But it was strange. Who the hell was she?”

Susan listened, crouching. He was coming for her, this dead man. There was no escape. What a noise he made amongst the stones. . . . She saw his head rise up, then the shoulders. He was tall—her own man! His long arms waved about, and it was his own voice sounding a little strange . . . because of the scissors. She scrambled out quickly, rushed to the edge of the causeway, and turned round. The man stood still on a high stone, detaching himself in dead black on the glitter of the sky.

Susan listened, crouching down. He was coming for her, this dead man. There was no escape. What a noise he made among the stones... She saw his head rise up, then his shoulders. He was tall—her own man! His long arms waved around, and it was his own voice sounding a little strange... because of the scissors. She quickly scrambled out, rushed to the edge of the causeway, and turned around. The man stood still on a high stone, standing out in dead black against the glitter of the sky.

“Where are you going to?” he called, roughly.

“Where are you going?” he called out, roughly.

She answered, “Home!” and watched him intensely. He made a striding, clumsy leap on to another boulder, and stopped again, balancing himself, then said—

She replied, “Home!” and looked at him intently. He took a big, awkward jump onto another rock and paused, trying to steady himself, then said—

“Ha! ha! Well, I am going with you. It’s the least I can do. Ha! ha! ha!”

“Ha! ha! Well, I’m coming with you. It’s the least I can do. Ha! ha! ha!”

She stared at him till her eyes seemed to become glowing coals that burned deep into her brain, and yet she was in mortal fear of making out the well-known features. Below her the sea lapped softly against the rock with a splash continuous and gentle.

She stared at him until her eyes felt like glowing coals that burned deep in her mind, and yet she was terrified of recognizing his familiar features. Below her, the sea gently lapped against the rocks with a continuous, soft splash.

The man said, advancing another step—

The guy said, stepping forward—

“I am coming for you. What do you think?”

“I’m coming for you. What do you think?”

She trembled. Coming for her! There was no escape, no peace, no hope. She looked round despairingly. Suddenly the whole shadowy coast, the blurred islets, the heaven itself, swayed about twice, then came to a rest. She closed her eyes and shouted—

She shook with fear. They were coming for her! There was no way out, no calm, no hope. She glanced around in despair. Suddenly, the entire shadowy shoreline, the indistinct islands, and the sky itself swayed back and forth a couple of times before settling. She shut her eyes and screamed—

“Can’t you wait till I am dead!”

“Can’t you wait until I’m dead!”

She was shaken by a furious hate for that shade that pursued her in this world, unappeased even by death in its longing for an heir that would be like other people’s children.

She was overwhelmed by a deep hatred for that ghost that followed her in this world, unsatisfied even by death in its desire for an heir who would be like everyone else's kids.

“Hey! What?” said Millot, keeping his distance prudently. He was saying to himself: “Look out! Some lunatic. An accident happens soon.”

“Hey! What’s going on?” Millot said, keeping his distance carefully. He thought to himself, “Watch out! Some crazy person. An accident is about to happen.”

She went on, wildly—

She continued on, wildly—

“I want to live. To live alone—for a week—for a day. I must explain to them. . . . I would tear you to pieces, I would kill you twenty times over rather than let you touch me while I live. How many times must I kill you—you blasphemer! Satan sends you here. I am damned too!”

“I want to live. To live alone—for a week—for a day. I have to explain to them. . . . I would tear you to pieces, I would kill you twenty times over rather than let you touch me while I’m alive. How many times do I have to kill you—you blasphemer! Satan sent you here. I’m damned too!”

“Come,” said Millot, alarmed and conciliating. “I am perfectly alive! . . . Oh, my God!”

"Come on," said Millot, worried but trying to calm things down. "I'm completely fine! . . . Oh, my God!"

She had screamed, “Alive!” and at once vanished before his eyes, as if the islet itself had swerved aside from under her feet. Millot rushed forward, and fell flat with his chin over the edge. Far below he saw the water whitened by her struggles, and heard one shrill cry for help that seemed to dart upwards along the perpendicular face of the rock, and soar past, straight into the high and impassive heaven.

She screamed, “Alive!” and immediately disappeared from his view, as if the island itself had shifted beneath her. Millot rushed forward and collapsed, dangling his chin over the edge. Below, he could see the water churning white from her struggle and heard one desperate cry for help that seemed to shoot up along the sheer rock face and into the vast, indifferent sky.

Madame Levaille sat, dry-eyed, on the short grass of the hill side, with her thick legs stretched out, and her old feet turned up in their black cloth shoes. Her clogs stood near by, and further off the umbrella lay on the withered sward like a weapon dropped from the grasp of a vanquished warrior. The Marquis of Chavanes, on horseback, one gloved hand on thigh, looked down at her as she got up laboriously, with groans. On the narrow track of the seaweed-carts four men were carrying inland Susan’s body on a hand-barrow, while several others straggled listlessly behind. Madame Levaille looked after the procession. “Yes, Monsieur le Marquis,” she said dispassionately, in her usual calm tone of a reasonable old woman. “There are unfortunate people on this earth. I had only one child. Only one! And they won’t bury her in consecrated ground!”

Madame Levaille sat, dry-eyed, on the short grass of the hillside, with her thick legs stretched out and her old feet turned up in their black cloth shoes. Her clogs stood nearby, and further off, the umbrella lay on the dried grass like a weapon dropped from the hand of a defeated warrior. The Marquis of Chavanes, on horseback, one gloved hand resting on his thigh, looked down at her as she struggled to get up, groaning. On the narrow path of the seaweed carts, four men were carrying Susan's body inland on a hand-barrow, while several others trailed behind listlessly. Madame Levaille watched the procession. “Yes, Monsieur le Marquis,” she said calmly, in her usual reasonable tone for an old woman. “There are unfortunate people in this world. I had only one child. Just one! And they won’t bury her in consecrated ground!”

Her eyes filled suddenly, and a short shower of tears rolled down the broad cheeks. She pulled the shawl close about her. The Marquis leaned slightly over in his saddle, and said—

Her eyes suddenly welled up, and a quick stream of tears ran down her broad cheeks. She wrapped the shawl tightly around herself. The Marquis leaned slightly forward in his saddle and said—

“It is very sad. You have all my sympathy. I shall speak to the Cure. She was unquestionably insane, and the fall was accidental. Millot says so distinctly. Good-day, Madame.”

"It's really tragic. You have all my sympathy. I will talk to the priest. She was definitely not in her right mind, and the fall was an accident. Millot says so clearly. Have a good day, Madame."

And he trotted off, thinking to himself: “I must get this old woman appointed guardian of those idiots, and administrator of the farm. It would be much better than having here one of those other Bacadous, probably a red republican, corrupting my commune.”

And he jogged away, thinking to himself: “I need to get this old woman appointed as the guardian of those fools and the manager of the farm. It would be way better than having one of those other Bacadous here, probably a radical socialist, ruining my community.”





AN OUTPOST OF PROGRESS

I

I

There were two white men in charge of the trading station. Kayerts, the chief, was short and fat; Carlier, the assistant, was tall, with a large head and a very broad trunk perched upon a long pair of thin legs. The third man on the staff was a Sierra Leone nigger, who maintained that his name was Henry Price. However, for some reason or other, the natives down the river had given him the name of Makola, and it stuck to him through all his wanderings about the country. He spoke English and French with a warbling accent, wrote a beautiful hand, understood bookkeeping, and cherished in his innermost heart the worship of evil spirits. His wife was a negress from Loanda, very large and very noisy. Three children rolled about in sunshine before the door of his low, shed-like dwelling. Makola, taciturn and impenetrable, despised the two white men. He had charge of a small clay storehouse with a dried-grass roof, and pretended to keep a correct account of beads, cotton cloth, red kerchiefs, brass wire, and other trade goods it contained. Besides the storehouse and Makola’s hut, there was only one large building in the cleared ground of the station. It was built neatly of reeds, with a verandah on all the four sides. There were three rooms in it. The one in the middle was the living-room, and had two rough tables and a few stools in it. The other two were the bedrooms for the white men. Each had a bedstead and a mosquito net for all furniture. The plank floor was littered with the belongings of the white men; open half-empty boxes, torn wearing apparel, old boots; all the things dirty, and all the things broken, that accumulate mysteriously round untidy men. There was also another dwelling-place some distance away from the buildings. In it, under a tall cross much out of the perpendicular, slept the man who had seen the beginning of all this; who had planned and had watched the construction of this outpost of progress. He had been, at home, an unsuccessful painter who, weary of pursuing fame on an empty stomach, had gone out there through high protections. He had been the first chief of that station. Makola had watched the energetic artist die of fever in the just finished house with his usual kind of “I told you so” indifference. Then, for a time, he dwelt alone with his family, his account books, and the Evil Spirit that rules the lands under the equator. He got on very well with his god. Perhaps he had propitiated him by a promise of more white men to play with, by and by. At any rate the director of the Great Trading Company, coming up in a steamer that resembled an enormous sardine box with a flat-roofed shed erected on it, found the station in good order, and Makola as usual quietly diligent. The director had the cross put up over the first agent’s grave, and appointed Kayerts to the post. Carlier was told off as second in charge. The director was a man ruthless and efficient, who at times, but very imperceptibly, indulged in grim humour. He made a speech to Kayerts and Carlier, pointing out to them the promising aspect of their station. The nearest trading-post was about three hundred miles away. It was an exceptional opportunity for them to distinguish themselves and to earn percentages on the trade. This appointment was a favour done to beginners. Kayerts was moved almost to tears by his director’s kindness. He would, he said, by doing his best, try to justify the flattering confidence, &c., &c. Kayerts had been in the Administration of the Telegraphs, and knew how to express himself correctly. Carlier, an ex-non-commissioned officer of cavalry in an army guaranteed from harm by several European Powers, was less impressed. If there were commissions to get, so much the better; and, trailing a sulky glance over the river, the forests, the impenetrable bush that seemed to cut off the station from the rest of the world, he muttered between his teeth, “We shall see, very soon.”

There were two white men running the trading station. Kayerts, the chief, was short and overweight; Carlier, the assistant, was tall with a large head and a broad torso sitting atop long, thin legs. The third person on the staff was a Black man from Sierra Leone who claimed his name was Henry Price. However, for some reason, the locals down the river called him Makola, and that name stuck with him throughout his travels. He spoke English and French with a unique accent, wrote beautifully, understood bookkeeping, and secretly worshipped evil spirits. His wife was a large and loud Black woman from Loanda. Three children played in the sun outside their small, shed-like home. Makola, quiet and unreadable, looked down on the two white men. He was in charge of a small clay storehouse with a thatched roof and pretended to keep a proper record of the beads, cotton cloth, red handkerchiefs, brass wire, and other trade goods inside. Besides the storehouse and Makola’s hut, there was only one large building on the cleared land of the station. It was neatly built from reeds, with a porch on all four sides. Inside, there were three rooms. The middle one was the living room, furnished with two rough tables and a few stools. The other two were the bedrooms for the white men, each containing a bed frame and a mosquito net as their only furniture. The wooden floor was cluttered with their belongings: half-empty boxes, ripped clothes, old boots; everything dirty and broken that tends to pile up around messy people. There was also another dwelling a bit further from the main buildings. In it, under a tall cross that was quite crooked, slept the man who had seen the start of it all; the one who had planned and oversaw the building of this outpost of progress. He had been an unsuccessful painter back home, tired of chasing fame while starving, and had gone out there with high hopes. He was the first chief of the station. Makola had watched the driven artist die of fever in the newly finished house with his usual “I told you so” indifference. Then, for a time, he lived alone with his family, his account books, and the Evil Spirit that rules the equatorial lands. He got along well with his god. Maybe he had won him over with a promise of more white men to play with later. In any case, the director of the Great Trading Company, arriving on a steamer that looked like a giant sardine can with a flat-roofed shed on it, found the station in good shape, with Makola quietly going about his work. The director had a cross erected over the first agent’s grave and appointed Kayerts to the position, with Carlier as second in command. The director was a ruthless and efficient man who sometimes, though very subtly, showed a grim sense of humor. He gave a speech to Kayerts and Carlier, highlighting the promising future of their station. The nearest trading post was about three hundred miles away. This was a unique chance for them to stand out and earn commission on the trade. This appointment was a favor to beginners. Kayerts was nearly brought to tears by the director’s kindness. He promised to do his best to live up to the flattering confidence, etc., etc. Kayerts had worked in the Telegraph Administration and knew how to express himself properly. Carlier, a former non-commissioned officer of cavalry in an army protected by several European Powers, was less impressed. If there were commissions to be earned, all the better; and, casting a sullen glance over the river, the forests, and the thick bush that seemed to isolate the station from the rest of the world, he muttered to himself, “We’ll see, very soon.”

Next day, some bales of cotton goods and a few cases of provisions having been thrown on shore, the sardine-box steamer went off, not to return for another six months. On the deck the director touched his cap to the two agents, who stood on the bank waving their hats, and turning to an old servant of the Company on his passage to headquarters, said, “Look at those two imbeciles. They must be mad at home to send me such specimens. I told those fellows to plant a vegetable garden, build new storehouses and fences, and construct a landing-stage. I bet nothing will be done! They won’t know how to begin. I always thought the station on this river useless, and they just fit the station!”

The next day, after some bales of cotton goods and a few cases of supplies were unloaded, the sardine-box steamer set off and wouldn’t be back for another six months. On the deck, the director tipped his cap to the two agents standing on the bank, waving their hats. Turning to an old Company servant on his way to headquarters, he said, “Look at those two fools. They must be crazy back home to send me such people. I told them to plant a vegetable garden, build new storage facilities and fences, and create a landing stage. I bet nothing will get done! They won’t even know where to start. I’ve always thought the station on this river was pointless, and they just proved my point!”

“They will form themselves there,” said the old stager with a quiet smile.

“They will gather there,” said the old pro with a calm smile.

“At any rate, I am rid of them for six months,” retorted the director.

“At any rate, I’m free from them for six months,” the director replied.

The two men watched the steamer round the bend, then, ascending arm in arm the slope of the bank, returned to the station. They had been in this vast and dark country only a very short time, and as yet always in the midst of other white men, under the eye and guidance of their superiors. And now, dull as they were to the subtle influences of surroundings, they felt themselves very much alone, when suddenly left unassisted to face the wilderness; a wilderness rendered more strange, more incomprehensible by the mysterious glimpses of the vigorous life it contained. They were two perfectly insignificant and incapable individuals, whose existence is only rendered possible through the high organization of civilized crowds. Few men realize that their life, the very essence of their character, their capabilities and their audacities, are only the expression of their belief in the safety of their surroundings. The courage, the composure, the confidence; the emotions and principles; every great and every insignificant thought belongs not to the individual but to the crowd: to the crowd that believes blindly in the irresistible force of its institutions and of its morals, in the power of its police and of its opinion. But the contact with pure unmitigated savagery, with primitive nature and primitive man, brings sudden and profound trouble into the heart. To the sentiment of being alone of one’s kind, to the clear perception of the loneliness of one’s thoughts, of one’s sensations—to the negation of the habitual, which is safe, there is added the affirmation of the unusual, which is dangerous; a suggestion of things vague, uncontrollable, and repulsive, whose discomposing intrusion excites the imagination and tries the civilized nerves of the foolish and the wise alike.

The two men watched the steamer turn the corner, then walked arm in arm up the slope of the bank and returned to the station. They had only been in this vast and dark land for a very short time, and had always been surrounded by other white men, under the watchful eye and guidance of their superiors. Now, despite being somewhat oblivious to the subtle influences around them, they felt extremely alone when suddenly left to face the wilderness on their own; a wilderness made even stranger and more incomprehensible by the mysterious glimpses of the vibrant life it held. They were two completely insignificant and incapable individuals, whose existence relied on the complex structure of civilized society. Few people realize that their lives, the very essence of their character, their skills, and their boldness, are merely reflections of their belief in the safety of their environment. The courage, the calmness, the confidence; the emotions and principles; every significant and insignificant thought belongs not to the individual but to the crowd: to the crowd that blindly believes in the unyielding power of its institutions and morals, in the strength of its police and its opinions. But the encounter with pure, unfiltered savagery, with primitive nature and primitive people, brings sudden and deep unease into the heart. The sense of being alone among one's kind, the stark realization of the isolation of one's thoughts and feelings—combined with the absence of the familiar, which is safe—brings forth the affirmation of the unusual, which is dangerous; a hint of things unclear, uncontrollable, and unsettling, whose disturbing presence sparks the imagination and tests the nerves of both the foolish and the wise alike.

Kayerts and Carlier walked arm in arm, drawing close to one another as children do in the dark; and they had the same, not altogether unpleasant, sense of danger which one half suspects to be imaginary. They chatted persistently in familiar tones. “Our station is prettily situated,” said one. The other assented with enthusiasm, enlarging volubly on the beauties of the situation. Then they passed near the grave. “Poor devil!” said Kayerts. “He died of fever, didn’t he?” muttered Carlier, stopping short. “Why,” retorted Kayerts, with indignation, “I’ve been told that the fellow exposed himself recklessly to the sun. The climate here, everybody says, is not at all worse than at home, as long as you keep out of the sun. Do you hear that, Carlier? I am chief here, and my orders are that you should not expose yourself to the sun!” He assumed his superiority jocularly, but his meaning was serious. The idea that he would, perhaps, have to bury Carlier and remain alone, gave him an inward shiver. He felt suddenly that this Carlier was more precious to him here, in the centre of Africa, than a brother could be anywhere else. Carlier, entering into the spirit of the thing, made a military salute and answered in a brisk tone, “Your orders shall be attended to, chief!” Then he burst out laughing, slapped Kayerts on the back and shouted, “We shall let life run easily here! Just sit still and gather in the ivory those savages will bring. This country has its good points, after all!” They both laughed loudly while Carlier thought: “That poor Kayerts; he is so fat and unhealthy. It would be awful if I had to bury him here. He is a man I respect.” . . . Before they reached the verandah of their house they called one another “my dear fellow.”

Kayerts and Carlier walked arm in arm, huddling together like kids do in the dark; they shared a not entirely unpleasant feeling of danger that one part of them suspected was just in their heads. They chatted continuously in familiar voices. “Our station has a nice location,” one said. The other agreed enthusiastically, going on and on about the beauty of the place. Then they passed by the grave. “Poor guy!” said Kayerts. “He died of fever, didn’t he?” Carlier muttered, stopping abruptly. “Well,” Kayerts retorted, with irritation, “I’ve been told that guy recklessly exposed himself to the sun. The climate here, everyone says, isn’t any worse than back home, as long as you avoid the sun. Do you get that, Carlier? I’m in charge here, and my orders are that you shouldn’t expose yourself to the sun!” He joked about his authority, but he was serious underneath. The thought that he might have to bury Carlier and be left alone sent a chill through him. He realized suddenly that Carlier was more valuable to him here, in the heart of Africa, than a brother could be anywhere else. With a playful spirit, Carlier saluted and replied in a lively tone, “Your orders will be followed, chief!” Then he burst into laughter, slapped Kayerts on the back, and exclaimed, “We’ll take it easy here! Just sit back and collect the ivory those savages will bring. This country has its perks, after all!” They both laughed loudly as Carlier thought, “That poor Kayerts; he’s so fat and unhealthy. It would be terrible if I had to bury him here. He’s a man I respect.” . . . Before they reached the porch of their house, they called each other “my dear fellow.”

The first day they were very active, pottering about with hammers and nails and red calico, to put up curtains, make their house habitable and pretty; resolved to settle down comfortably to their new life. For them an impossible task. To grapple effectually with even purely material problems requires more serenity of mind and more lofty courage than people generally imagine. No two beings could have been more unfitted for such a struggle. Society, not from any tenderness, but because of its strange needs, had taken care of those two men, forbidding them all independent thought, all initiative, all departure from routine; and forbidding it under pain of death. They could only live on condition of being machines. And now, released from the fostering care of men with pens behind the ears, or of men with gold lace on the sleeves, they were like those lifelong prisoners who, liberated after many years, do not know what use to make of their freedom. They did not know what use to make of their faculties, being both, through want of practice, incapable of independent thought.

On the first day, they were really busy, tinkering with hammers and nails and red fabric to put up curtains and make their house livable and nice; they were determined to settle into their new life comfortably. For them, it was an impossible task. Effectively dealing with even basic material problems takes more calm and courage than people usually think. No two people could have been less suited for such a struggle. Society, not out of kindness but because of its strange needs, had taken care of those two men, banning them from all independent thought, all initiative, and all deviation from routine; and enforcing it under the threat of severe consequences. They could only live as long as they acted like machines. And now, freed from the nurturing control of bureaucrats or those with fancy titles, they were like lifelong prisoners who, released after many years, don’t know how to handle their freedom. They didn’t know how to use their abilities, both being incapable of independent thought due to a lack of practice.

At the end of two months Kayerts often would say, “If it was not for my Melie, you wouldn’t catch me here.” Melie was his daughter. He had thrown up his post in the Administration of the Telegraphs, though he had been for seventeen years perfectly happy there, to earn a dowry for his girl. His wife was dead, and the child was being brought up by his sisters. He regretted the streets, the pavements, the cafes, his friends of many years; all the things he used to see, day after day; all the thoughts suggested by familiar things—the thoughts effortless, monotonous, and soothing of a Government clerk; he regretted all the gossip, the small enmities, the mild venom, and the little jokes of Government offices. “If I had had a decent brother-in-law,” Carlier would remark, “a fellow with a heart, I would not be here.” He had left the army and had made himself so obnoxious to his family by his laziness and impudence, that an exasperated brother-in-law had made superhuman efforts to procure him an appointment in the Company as a second-class agent. Having not a penny in the world he was compelled to accept this means of livelihood as soon as it became quite clear to him that there was nothing more to squeeze out of his relations. He, like Kayerts, regretted his old life. He regretted the clink of sabre and spurs on a fine afternoon, the barrack-room witticisms, the girls of garrison towns; but, besides, he had also a sense of grievance. He was evidently a much ill-used man. This made him moody, at times. But the two men got on well together in the fellowship of their stupidity and laziness. Together they did nothing, absolutely nothing, and enjoyed the sense of the idleness for which they were paid. And in time they came to feel something resembling affection for one another.

At the end of two months, Kayerts often said, “If it weren’t for my Melie, you wouldn’t catch me here.” Melie was his daughter. He’d left his job in the Telegraph Administration, where he had been perfectly happy for seventeen years, to earn a dowry for her. His wife had passed away, and his sisters were raising the child. He missed the streets, the sidewalks, the cafes, and his friends from many years; all the things he used to see day after day; all the thoughts stirred up by familiar things—the effortless, monotonous, and comforting thoughts of a government clerk; he missed all the gossip, the minor conflicts, the mild resentments, and the little jokes of government offices. “If I had a decent brother-in-law,” Carlier would say, “someone with a heart, I wouldn’t be here.” He had left the army and had made himself so unbearable to his family with his laziness and audacity that a frustrated brother-in-law had gone to great lengths to get him a job in the Company as a second-class agent. With no money to his name, he was forced to accept this way of making a living as soon as it became clear to him that there was nothing more to extract from his relatives. Like Kayerts, he missed his old life. He missed the sound of sabers and spurs on a nice afternoon, the barrack-room jokes, and the girls from garrison towns; but on top of that, he also felt aggrieved. He clearly saw himself as a victim. This made him moody at times. But the two men got along well in their shared laziness and foolishness. Together, they did nothing—absolutely nothing—and enjoyed the idleness for which they were paid. Over time, they began to feel something like affection for each other.

They lived like blind men in a large room, aware only of what came in contact with them (and of that only imperfectly), but unable to see the general aspect of things. The river, the forest, all the great land throbbing with life, were like a great emptiness. Even the brilliant sunshine disclosed nothing intelligible. Things appeared and disappeared before their eyes in an unconnected and aimless kind of way. The river seemed to come from nowhere and flow nowhither. It flowed through a void. Out of that void, at times, came canoes, and men with spears in their hands would suddenly crowd the yard of the station. They were naked, glossy black, ornamented with snowy shells and glistening brass wire, perfect of limb. They made an uncouth babbling noise when they spoke, moved in a stately manner, and sent quick, wild glances out of their startled, never-resting eyes. Those warriors would squat in long rows, four or more deep, before the verandah, while their chiefs bargained for hours with Makola over an elephant tusk. Kayerts sat on his chair and looked down on the proceedings, understanding nothing. He stared at them with his round blue eyes, called out to Carlier, “Here, look! look at that fellow there—and that other one, to the left. Did you ever such a face? Oh, the funny brute!”

They lived like blind people in a big room, only aware of what touched them (and even that was unclear), but unable to see the overall situation. The river, the forest, and all the vibrant land felt like a huge emptiness. Even the bright sunshine revealed nothing understandable. Things appeared and disappeared before their eyes in a disjointed and aimless way. The river seemed to come from nowhere and flow to nowhere. It moved through nothingness. Sometimes, from that nothingness, canoes would emerge, and men with spears would suddenly fill the yard of the station. They were naked, shiny black, decorated with white shells and gleaming brass wire, perfectly built. They made a strange babbling sound when they spoke, moved with a dignified grace, and sent quick, wild looks from their startled, restless eyes. Those warriors squatted in long rows, four or more deep, in front of the veranda, while their chiefs bargained for hours with Makola over an elephant tusk. Kayerts sat in his chair and watched the scene, understanding nothing. He stared at them with his round blue eyes and called out to Carlier, “Hey, look! Look at that guy there—and that other one on the left. Have you ever seen such a face? Oh, the funny guy!”

Carlier, smoking native tobacco in a short wooden pipe, would swagger up twirling his moustaches, and surveying the warriors with haughty indulgence, would say—

Carlier, puffing on a native tobacco in a short wooden pipe, would strut up, twirling his mustache and looking at the warriors with a condescending smile, would say—

“Fine animals. Brought any bone? Yes? It’s not any too soon. Look at the muscles of that fellow third from the end. I wouldn’t care to get a punch on the nose from him. Fine arms, but legs no good below the knee. Couldn’t make cavalry men of them.” And after glancing down complacently at his own shanks, he always concluded: “Pah! Don’t they stink! You, Makola! Take that herd over to the fetish” (the storehouse was in every station called the fetish, perhaps because of the spirit of civilization it contained) “and give them up some of the rubbish you keep there. I’d rather see it full of bone than full of rags.”

“Nice animals. Did you bring any bones? Yes? It’s about time. Check out the muscles on that guy third from the end. I wouldn’t want to get hit by him. Great arms, but his legs are weak below the knee. There’s no way they could be cavalrymen.” And after looking down self-satisfied at his own legs, he always added: “Ugh! Don’t they smell! You, Makola! Take that herd over to the fetish” (the storehouse at every station was called the fetish, probably because of the spirit of civilization it held) “and give them some of the junk you have there. I’d prefer to see it filled with bones than with rags.”

Kayerts approved.

Kayerts gave the green light.

“Yes, yes! Go and finish that palaver over there, Mr. Makola. I will come round when you are ready, to weigh the tusk. We must be careful.” Then turning to his companion: “This is the tribe that lives down the river; they are rather aromatic. I remember, they had been once before here. D’ye hear that row? What a fellow has got to put up with in this dog of a country! My head is split.”

“Yes, yes! Go and wrap up that discussion over there, Mr. Makola. I’ll come by when you’re ready to weigh the tusk. We need to be cautious.” Then turning to his companion: “This is the tribe that lives down the river; they have quite a strong scent. I remember they were here once before. Do you hear that noise? What a person has to deal with in this awful country! My head is pounding.”

Such profitable visits were rare. For days the two pioneers of trade and progress would look on their empty courtyard in the vibrating brilliance of vertical sunshine. Below the high bank, the silent river flowed on glittering and steady. On the sands in the middle of the stream, hippos and alligators sunned themselves side by side. And stretching away in all directions, surrounding the insignificant cleared spot of the trading post, immense forests, hiding fateful complications of fantastic life, lay in the eloquent silence of mute greatness. The two men understood nothing, cared for nothing but for the passage of days that separated them from the steamer’s return. Their predecessor had left some torn books. They took up these wrecks of novels, and, as they had never read anything of the kind before, they were surprised and amused. Then during long days there were interminable and silly discussions about plots and personages. In the centre of Africa they made acquaintance of Richelieu and of d’Artagnan, of Hawk’s Eye and of Father Goriot, and of many other people. All these imaginary personages became subjects for gossip as if they had been living friends. They discounted their virtues, suspected their motives, decried their successes; were scandalized at their duplicity or were doubtful about their courage. The accounts of crimes filled them with indignation, while tender or pathetic passages moved them deeply. Carlier cleared his throat and said in a soldierly voice, “What nonsense!” Kayerts, his round eyes suffused with tears, his fat cheeks quivering, rubbed his bald head, and declared. “This is a splendid book. I had no idea there were such clever fellows in the world.” They also found some old copies of a home paper. That print discussed what it was pleased to call “Our Colonial Expansion” in high-flown language. It spoke much of the rights and duties of civilization, of the sacredness of the civilizing work, and extolled the merits of those who went about bringing light, and faith and commerce to the dark places of the earth. Carlier and Kayerts read, wondered, and began to think better of themselves. Carlier said one evening, waving his hand about, “In a hundred years, there will be perhaps a town here. Quays, and warehouses, and barracks, and—and—billiard-rooms. Civilization, my boy, and virtue—and all. And then, chaps will read that two good fellows, Kayerts and Carlier, were the first civilized men to live in this very spot!” Kayerts nodded, “Yes, it is a consolation to think of that.” They seemed to forget their dead predecessor; but, early one day, Carlier went out and replanted the cross firmly. “It used to make me squint whenever I walked that way,” he explained to Kayerts over the morning coffee. “It made me squint, leaning over so much. So I just planted it upright. And solid, I promise you! I suspended myself with both hands to the cross-piece. Not a move. Oh, I did that properly.”

Such profitable visits were rare. For days, the two pioneers of trade and progress looked out at their empty courtyard under the intense sunlight. Below the steep bank, the silent river flowed on, sparkling and steady

At times Gobila came to see them. Gobila was the chief of the neighbouring villages. He was a gray-headed savage, thin and black, with a white cloth round his loins and a mangy panther skin hanging over his back. He came up with long strides of his skeleton legs, swinging a staff as tall as himself, and, entering the common room of the station, would squat on his heels to the left of the door. There he sat, watching Kayerts, and now and then making a speech which the other did not understand. Kayerts, without interrupting his occupation, would from time to time say in a friendly manner: “How goes it, you old image?” and they would smile at one another. The two whites had a liking for that old and incomprehensible creature, and called him Father Gobila. Gobila’s manner was paternal, and he seemed really to love all white men. They all appeared to him very young, indistinguishably alike (except for stature), and he knew that they were all brothers, and also immortal. The death of the artist, who was the first white man whom he knew intimately, did not disturb this belief, because he was firmly convinced that the white stranger had pretended to die and got himself buried for some mysterious purpose of his own, into which it was useless to inquire. Perhaps it was his way of going home to his own country? At any rate, these were his brothers, and he transferred his absurd affection to them. They returned it in a way. Carlier slapped him on the back, and recklessly struck off matches for his amusement. Kayerts was always ready to let him have a sniff at the ammonia bottle. In short, they behaved just like that other white creature that had hidden itself in a hole in the ground. Gobila considered them attentively. Perhaps they were the same being with the other—or one of them was. He couldn’t decide—clear up that mystery; but he remained always very friendly. In consequence of that friendship the women of Gobila’s village walked in single file through the reedy grass, bringing every morning to the station, fowls, and sweet potatoes, and palm wine, and sometimes a goat. The Company never provisions the stations fully, and the agents required those local supplies to live. They had them through the good-will of Gobila, and lived well. Now and then one of them had a bout of fever, and the other nursed him with gentle devotion. They did not think much of it. It left them weaker, and their appearance changed for the worse. Carlier was hollow-eyed and irritable. Kayerts showed a drawn, flabby face above the rotundity of his stomach, which gave him a weird aspect. But being constantly together, they did not notice the change that took place gradually in their appearance, and also in their dispositions.

At times, Gobila came to see them. Gobila was the chief of the nearby villages. He was an old man with gray hair, thin and dark-skinned, wearing a white cloth around his waist and a tattered panther skin draped over his back. He walked with long strides on his bony legs, swinging a staff as tall as he was, and when he entered the common room of the station, he would squat on his heels to the left of the door. There he sat, watching Kayerts, occasionally giving a speech that the other didn’t understand. Kayerts, without stopping his work, would occasionally say in a friendly tone, “How’s it going, you old character?” and they would smile at each other. The two white men had a fondness for that old and puzzling figure, and referred to him as Father Gobila. Gobila’s manner was fatherly, and he genuinely seemed to care for all white men. To him, they all appeared very young, virtually indistinguishable from one another (except for their height), and he believed that they were all brothers and also immortal. The death of the artist, who was the first white man he knew well, didn’t shake this belief, as he was convinced that the white stranger had merely pretended to die and arranged his burial for some mysterious reason, which he felt was pointless to investigate. Perhaps it was his way of going home? In any case, these were his brothers, and he transferred his strange affection to them. They returned it in their own way. Carlier patted him on the back and playfully struck matches for his entertainment. Kayerts was always willing to let him take a sniff from the ammonia bottle. Essentially, they behaved just like that other white creature that had hidden itself in a hole in the ground. Gobila observed them closely. Maybe they were the same being as the other one—or one of them was. He couldn’t figure it out or clear up that mystery; but he always remained very friendly. Because of that friendship, the women of Gobila’s village walked in a single file through the tall grass, bringing every morning to the station chickens, sweet potatoes, palm wine, and sometimes a goat. The Company never fully stocked the stations, and the agents needed those local supplies to survive. They received them through Gobila’s goodwill and lived well. Occasionally one of them would catch a fever, and the other would care for him with gentle devotion. They didn’t think much of it. It left them weaker, and their appearances deteriorated. Carlier became hollow-eyed and irritable. Kayerts had a drawn, sagging face above the roundness of his stomach, which gave him a strange look. But since they were constantly together, they didn’t notice the gradual changes in their appearances and their dispositions.

Five months passed in that way.

Five months went by like that.

Then, one morning, as Kayerts and Carlier, lounging in their chairs under the verandah, talked about the approaching visit of the steamer, a knot of armed men came out of the forest and advanced towards the station. They were strangers to that part of the country. They were tall, slight, draped classically from neck to heel in blue fringed cloths, and carried percussion muskets over their bare right shoulders. Makola showed signs of excitement, and ran out of the storehouse (where he spent all his days) to meet these visitors. They came into the courtyard and looked about them with steady, scornful glances. Their leader, a powerful and determined-looking negro with bloodshot eyes, stood in front of the verandah and made a long speech. He gesticulated much, and ceased very suddenly.

Then, one morning, as Kayerts and Carlier relaxed in their chairs on the verandah, discussing the upcoming arrival of the steamer, a group of armed men emerged from the forest and approached the station. They were unfamiliar to that region. They were tall and slender, wrapped classically from neck to toe in blue fringed cloths, and carried percussion muskets slung over their bare right shoulders. Makola displayed signs of excitement and hurried out of the storehouse (where he spent all his days) to greet these visitors. They entered the courtyard and surveyed their surroundings with steady, scornful looks. Their leader, a strong and determined-looking black man with bloodshot eyes, stood in front of the verandah and delivered a lengthy speech. He gestured dramatically and then stopped abruptly.

There was something in his intonation, in the sounds of the long sentences he used, that startled the two whites. It was like a reminiscence of something not exactly familiar, and yet resembling the speech of civilized men. It sounded like one of those impossible languages which sometimes we hear in our dreams.

There was something in his tone, in the way he spoke those long sentences, that startled the two white men. It felt like a hint of something not quite familiar, yet similar to the speech of civilized people. It sounded like one of those strange languages we sometimes hear in our dreams.

“What lingo is that?” said the amazed Carlier. “In the first moment I fancied the fellow was going to speak French. Anyway, it is a different kind of gibberish to what we ever heard.”

“What language is that?” said the amazed Carlier. “At first, I thought the guy was going to speak French. Either way, it’s a different kind of gibberish than anything we've ever heard.”

“Yes,” replied Kayerts. “Hey, Makola, what does he say? Where do they come from? Who are they?”

“Yes,” replied Kayerts. “Hey, Makola, what does he say? Where are they from? Who are they?”

But Makola, who seemed to be standing on hot bricks, answered hurriedly, “I don’t know. They come from very far. Perhaps Mrs. Price will understand. They are perhaps bad men.”

But Makola, who looked like he was standing on hot coals, replied quickly, “I don’t know. They come from a long way off. Maybe Mrs. Price will get it. They might be dangerous men.”

The leader, after waiting for a while, said something sharply to Makola, who shook his head. Then the man, after looking round, noticed Makola’s hut and walked over there. The next moment Mrs. Makola was heard speaking with great volubility. The other strangers—they were six in all—strolled about with an air of ease, put their heads through the door of the storeroom, congregated round the grave, pointed understandingly at the cross, and generally made themselves at home.

The leader, after waiting for a bit, said something sharply to Makola, who shook his head. Then the man, after looking around, noticed Makola’s hut and walked over there. The next moment, Mrs. Makola was heard speaking quite animatedly. The other visitors—there were six in total—wandered around with a casual attitude, peeked into the storeroom, gathered around the grave, pointed knowingly at the cross, and generally made themselves comfortable.

“I don’t like those chaps—and, I say, Kayerts, they must be from the coast; they’ve got firearms,” observed the sagacious Carlier.

“I don’t like those guys—and, I gotta say, Kayerts, they must be from the coast; they’ve got guns,” noted the wise Carlier.

Kayerts also did not like those chaps. They both, for the first time, became aware that they lived in conditions where the unusual may be dangerous, and that there was no power on earth outside of themselves to stand between them and the unusual. They became uneasy, went in and loaded their revolvers. Kayerts said, “We must order Makola to tell them to go away before dark.”

Kayerts also didn’t like those guys. For the first time, they both realized they were in a situation where the unusual could be risky, and that there was no force outside of themselves to protect them from it. They started feeling anxious, went inside, and loaded their guns. Kayerts said, “We need to tell Makola to make them leave before it gets dark.”

The strangers left in the afternoon, after eating a meal prepared for them by Mrs. Makola. The immense woman was excited, and talked much with the visitors. She rattled away shrilly, pointing here and there at the forests and at the river. Makola sat apart and watched. At times he got up and whispered to his wife. He accompanied the strangers across the ravine at the back of the station-ground, and returned slowly looking very thoughtful. When questioned by the white men he was very strange, seemed not to understand, seemed to have forgotten French—seemed to have forgotten how to speak altogether. Kayerts and Carlier agreed that the nigger had had too much palm wine.

The strangers left in the afternoon after having a meal that Mrs. Makola had prepared for them. The huge woman was excited and talked a lot with the guests. She chatted energetically, pointing out different things in the forests and at the river. Makola sat off to the side and observed. Occasionally, he would get up and whisper to his wife. He walked the strangers across the ravine behind the station, then returned slowly, looking very deep in thought. When the white men questioned him, he behaved strangely, seeming not to understand or having forgotten French—almost like he had forgotten how to speak at all. Kayerts and Carlier agreed that the black man had probably had too much palm wine.

There was some talk about keeping a watch in turn, but in the evening everything seemed so quiet and peaceful that they retired as usual. All night they were disturbed by a lot of drumming in the villages. A deep, rapid roll near by would be followed by another far off—then all ceased. Soon short appeals would rattle out here and there, then all mingle together, increase, become vigorous and sustained, would spread out over the forest, roll through the night, unbroken and ceaseless, near and far, as if the whole land had been one immense drum booming out steadily an appeal to heaven. And through the deep and tremendous noise sudden yells that resembled snatches of songs from a madhouse darted shrill and high in discordant jets of sound which seemed to rush far above the earth and drive all peace from under the stars.

There was some discussion about taking turns to keep watch, but in the evening, everything felt so calm and tranquil that they went to bed as usual. All night, they were disturbed by a lot of drumming coming from the villages. A deep, rapid roll nearby would be followed by another sound from far away—then everything would stop. Soon, sharp calls would echo here and there, blending together, growing stronger and more sustained, spreading out over the forest, rolling through the night, unbroken and endless, near and far, as if the entire land were one giant drum steadily sending out a call to the heavens. Amidst the deep and powerful noise, sudden screams that sounded like snippets of songs from a madhouse burst forth sharply and discordantly, piercing the air and driving all calm away from under the stars.

Carlier and Kayerts slept badly. They both thought they had heard shots fired during the night—but they could not agree as to the direction. In the morning Makola was gone somewhere. He returned about noon with one of yesterday’s strangers, and eluded all Kayerts’ attempts to close with him: had become deaf apparently. Kayerts wondered. Carlier, who had been fishing off the bank, came back and remarked while he showed his catch, “The niggers seem to be in a deuce of a stir; I wonder what’s up. I saw about fifteen canoes cross the river during the two hours I was there fishing.” Kayerts, worried, said, “Isn’t this Makola very queer to-day?” Carlier advised, “Keep all our men together in case of some trouble.”

Carlier and Kayerts had a rough night. They both thought they heard gunshots during the night, but they couldn't agree on where they came from. In the morning, Makola had disappeared somewhere. He came back around noon with one of the strangers from the day before and avoided all of Kayerts’ attempts to engage with him; he seemed to have gone deaf. Kayerts was puzzled. Carlier, who had been fishing by the riverbank, returned and while showing off his catch, commented, “The locals seem really agitated; I wonder what's going on. I saw about fifteen canoes cross the river while I was fishing for two hours.” Kayerts, feeling anxious, said, “Isn't Makola acting really strange today?” Carlier suggested, “We should keep all our men together in case there’s any trouble.”

II

II

There were ten station men who had been left by the Director. Those fellows, having engaged themselves to the Company for six months (without having any idea of a month in particular and only a very faint notion of time in general), had been serving the cause of progress for upwards of two years. Belonging to a tribe from a very distant part of the land of darkness and sorrow, they did not run away, naturally supposing that as wandering strangers they would be killed by the inhabitants of the country; in which they were right. They lived in straw huts on the slope of a ravine overgrown with reedy grass, just behind the station buildings. They were not happy, regretting the festive incantations, the sorceries, the human sacrifices of their own land; where they also had parents, brothers, sisters, admired chiefs, respected magicians, loved friends, and other ties supposed generally to be human. Besides, the rice rations served out by the Company did not agree with them, being a food unknown to their land, and to which they could not get used. Consequently they were unhealthy and miserable. Had they been of any other tribe they would have made up their minds to die—for nothing is easier to certain savages than suicide—and so have escaped from the puzzling difficulties of existence. But belonging, as they did, to a warlike tribe with filed teeth, they had more grit, and went on stupidly living through disease and sorrow. They did very little work, and had lost their splendid physique. Carlier and Kayerts doctored them assiduously without being able to bring them back into condition again. They were mustered every morning and told off to different tasks—grass-cutting, fence-building, tree-felling, &c., &c., which no power on earth could induce them to execute efficiently. The two whites had practically very little control over them.

There were ten station men left by the Director. These guys, who had signed on with the Company for six months (without knowing exactly which month or having a clear sense of time), had been working for the cause of progress for over two years. They came from a tribe in a far-off part of the land filled with darkness and sorrow. They didn’t run away, assuming that as wandering outsiders they would be killed by the local people; which, in fact, was true. They lived in straw huts on the slope of a ravine covered in tall grass, just behind the station buildings. They weren’t happy, missing the festive rituals, the magic, and the human sacrifices from their homeland. In that place, they had parents, brothers, sisters, admired leaders, respected shamans, loved friends, and other relationships that people typically have. On top of that, the rice rations provided by the Company didn’t sit well with them; it was a food they weren’t familiar with, and they couldn’t adapt to it. As a result, they were unhealthy and miserable. If they had been from any other tribe, they might have chosen to die—since it’s often easier for certain marginalized groups to take their own lives—and thus escape the confusing difficulties of existence. But being from a warrior tribe with filed teeth, they had more determination and simply continued to live through sickness and suffering. They did very little work and had lost their great physical strength. Carlier and Kayerts tried repeatedly to treat them but couldn’t restore them to health. They were assembled every morning and assigned different tasks—like cutting grass, building fences, cutting down trees, etc.—which no motivation on earth could get them to do properly. The two white men had virtually no control over them.

In the afternoon Makola came over to the big house and found Kayerts watching three heavy columns of smoke rising above the forests. “What is that?” asked Kayerts. “Some villages burn,” answered Makola, who seemed to have regained his wits. Then he said abruptly: “We have got very little ivory; bad six months’ trading. Do you like get a little more ivory?”

In the afternoon, Makola came over to the big house and found Kayerts watching three thick columns of smoke rising above the forests. “What’s that?” asked Kayerts. “Some villages are burning,” answered Makola, who seemed to have regained his composure. Then he said suddenly: “We have very little ivory; it’s been a tough six months of trading. Do you want to get a bit more ivory?”

“Yes,” said Kayerts, eagerly. He thought of percentages which were low.

“Yes,” said Kayerts, eagerly. He thought about the low percentages.

“Those men who came yesterday are traders from Loanda who have got more ivory than they can carry home. Shall I buy? I know their camp.”

“Those guys who came yesterday are traders from Loanda who have more ivory than they can carry home. Should I buy some? I know where their camp is.”

“Certainly,” said Kayerts. “What are those traders?”

“Sure,” said Kayerts. “Who are those traders?”

“Bad fellows,” said Makola, indifferently. “They fight with people, and catch women and children. They are bad men, and got guns. There is a great disturbance in the country. Do you want ivory?”

"Bad guys," said Makola, without much concern. "They attack people and capture women and children. They're bad men and have guns. There's a lot of chaos in the country. Do you want ivory?"

“Yes,” said Kayerts. Makola said nothing for a while. Then: “Those workmen of ours are no good at all,” he muttered, looking round. “Station in very bad order, sir. Director will growl. Better get a fine lot of ivory, then he say nothing.”

“Yes,” said Kayerts. Makola was quiet for a moment. Then he muttered, “Those workers we have are useless.” He glanced around. “The station’s in terrible shape, sir. The director will be upset. We’d better bring in a good amount of ivory, then he won’t say anything.”

“I can’t help it; the men won’t work,” said Kayerts. “When will you get that ivory?”

“I can’t help it; the guys won’t work,” said Kayerts. “When will you get that ivory?”

“Very soon,” said Makola. “Perhaps to-night. You leave it to me, and keep indoors, sir. I think you had better give some palm wine to our men to make a dance this evening. Enjoy themselves. Work better to-morrow. There’s plenty palm wine—gone a little sour.”

“Very soon,” said Makola. “Maybe tonight. Just leave it to me and stay inside, sir. I think it’s a good idea to give our men some palm wine so they can have a dance this evening. Let them enjoy themselves. They’ll work better tomorrow. There’s plenty of palm wine—it's just a little sour.”

Kayerts said “yes,” and Makola, with his own hands carried big calabashes to the door of his hut. They stood there till the evening, and Mrs. Makola looked into every one. The men got them at sunset. When Kayerts and Carlier retired, a big bonfire was flaring before the men’s huts. They could hear their shouts and drumming. Some men from Gobila’s village had joined the station hands, and the entertainment was a great success.

Kayerts said "yes," and Makola carried big calabashes to the door of his hut with his own hands. They stayed there until the evening, and Mrs. Makola checked each one. The men collected them at sunset. When Kayerts and Carlier went inside for the night, a large bonfire was glowing in front of the men’s huts. They could hear shouts and drumming. Some guys from Gobila’s village had joined the station crew, and the gathering was a big hit.

In the middle of the night, Carlier waking suddenly, heard a man shout loudly; then a shot was fired. Only one. Carlier ran out and met Kayerts on the verandah. They were both startled. As they went across the yard to call Makola, they saw shadows moving in the night. One of them cried, “Don’t shoot! It’s me, Price.” Then Makola appeared close to them. “Go back, go back, please,” he urged, “you spoil all.” “There are strange men about,” said Carlier. “Never mind; I know,” said Makola. Then he whispered, “All right. Bring ivory. Say nothing! I know my business.” The two white men reluctantly went back to the house, but did not sleep. They heard footsteps, whispers, some groans. It seemed as if a lot of men came in, dumped heavy things on the ground, squabbled a long time, then went away. They lay on their hard beds and thought: “This Makola is invaluable.” In the morning Carlier came out, very sleepy, and pulled at the cord of the big bell. The station hands mustered every morning to the sound of the bell. That morning nobody came. Kayerts turned out also, yawning. Across the yard they saw Makola come out of his hut, a tin basin of soapy water in his hand. Makola, a civilized nigger, was very neat in his person. He threw the soapsuds skilfully over a wretched little yellow cur he had, then turning his face to the agent’s house, he shouted from the distance, “All the men gone last night!”

In the middle of the night, Carlier suddenly woke up and heard a man shouting loudly; then a shot was fired. Just one. Carlier ran outside and met Kayerts on the porch. They were both shocked. As they crossed the yard to call Makola, they saw shadows moving in the darkness. One of them shouted, “Don’t shoot! It’s me, Price.” Then Makola appeared nearby. “Go back, go back, please,” he urged, “you’re messing everything up.” “There are strange men around,” said Carlier. “Don’t worry; I know,” replied Makola. Then he whispered, “Okay. Bring the ivory. Don’t say anything! I know what I’m doing.” The two white men reluctantly returned to the house but couldn't sleep. They heard footsteps, whispers, and some groans. It seemed like a lot of men came in, dropped heavy things on the ground, argued for a long time, then left. They lay on their hard beds and thought: “This Makola is invaluable.” In the morning, Carlier came out, very sleepy, and pulled the cord of the big bell. The station workers were supposed to gather every morning at the sound of the bell. That morning, nobody came. Kayerts also got up, yawning. Across the yard, they saw Makola come out of his hut, holding a tin basin of soapy water. Makola, a well-mannered black man, was very neat in his appearance. He skillfully threw the soapy water over a scruffy little yellow dog he had, then turned towards the agent’s house and shouted from a distance, “All the men left last night!”

They heard him plainly, but in their surprise they both yelled out together: “What!” Then they stared at one another. “We are in a proper fix now,” growled Carlier. “It’s incredible!” muttered Kayerts. “I will go to the huts and see,” said Carlier, striding off. Makola coming up found Kayerts standing alone.

They heard him clearly, but in their shock, they both shouted together: “What!” Then they looked at each other. “We’re in real trouble now,” grumbled Carlier. “This is unbelievable!” mumbled Kayerts. “I’ll head to the huts and check it out,” said Carlier, walking off. Makola approached and found Kayerts standing by himself.

“I can hardly believe it,” said Kayerts, tearfully. “We took care of them as if they had been our children.”

“I can hardly believe it,” Kayerts said, tearfully. “We took care of them like they were our own kids.”

“They went with the coast people,” said Makola after a moment of hesitation.

"They went with the coastal people," Makola said after a moment of hesitation.

“What do I care with whom they went—the ungrateful brutes!” exclaimed the other. Then with sudden suspicion, and looking hard at Makola, he added: “What do you know about it?”

“What do I care who they went with—the ungrateful brutes!” the other exclaimed. Then, with sudden suspicion and a hard look at Makola, he added, “What do you know about it?”

Makola moved his shoulders, looking down on the ground. “What do I know? I think only. Will you come and look at the ivory I’ve got there? It is a fine lot. You never saw such.”

Makola shrugged, staring at the ground. “What do I know? I just think. Will you come and check out the ivory I have over there? It's a great collection. You've never seen anything like it.”

He moved towards the store. Kayerts followed him mechanically, thinking about the incredible desertion of the men. On the ground before the door of the fetish lay six splendid tusks.

He walked toward the store. Kayerts followed him automatically, reflecting on the shocking abandonment of the men. On the ground in front of the door of the fetish were six magnificent tusks.

“What did you give for it?” asked Kayerts, after surveying the lot with satisfaction.

“What did you pay for it?” asked Kayerts, after looking over the lot with satisfaction.

“No regular trade,” said Makola. “They brought the ivory and gave it to me. I told them to take what they most wanted in the station. It is a beautiful lot. No station can show such tusks. Those traders wanted carriers badly, and our men were no good here. No trade, no entry in books: all correct.”

“No regular trade,” said Makola. “They brought me the ivory and handed it over. I told them to take whatever they wanted from the station. It’s a stunning collection. No other station has tusks like these. Those traders really needed carriers, but our guys weren’t up to it. No trade, no record in the books: everything’s above board.”

Kayerts nearly burst with indignation. “Why!” he shouted, “I believe you have sold our men for these tusks!” Makola stood impassive and silent. “I—I—will—I,” stuttered Kayerts. “You fiend!” he yelled out.

Kayerts was about ready to explode with anger. “What!” he shouted, “I think you’ve sold our men for these tusks!” Makola remained calm and silent. “I—I—will—I,” stammered Kayerts. “You monster!” he shouted.

“I did the best for you and the Company,” said Makola, imperturbably. “Why you shout so much? Look at this tusk.”

“I did the best for you and the Company,” said Makola, unruffled. “Why are you yelling? Look at this tusk.”

“I dismiss you! I will report you—I won’t look at the tusk. I forbid you to touch them. I order you to throw them into the river. You—you!”

“I’m done with you! I’ll report you—I won’t even look at the tusk. I forbid you to touch them. I’m telling you to throw them into the river. You—you!”

“You very red, Mr. Kayerts. If you are so irritable in the sun, you will get fever and die—like the first chief!” pronounced Makola impressively.

“You're really red, Mr. Kayerts. If you get this annoyed in the sun, you'll catch a fever and die—just like the first chief!” said Makola seriously.

They stood still, contemplating one another with intense eyes, as if they had been looking with effort across immense distances. Kayerts shivered. Makola had meant no more than he said, but his words seemed to Kayerts full of ominous menace! He turned sharply and went away to the house. Makola retired into the bosom of his family; and the tusks, left lying before the store, looked very large and valuable in the sunshine.

They stood still, gazing at each other with intense eyes, as if they had been trying hard to see across great distances. Kayerts shivered. Makola didn’t mean anything more by what he said, but to Kayerts, his words felt filled with a threatening vibe! He turned sharply and walked away toward the house. Makola went back to his family, while the tusks, left lying in front of the store, looked very big and valuable in the sunlight.

Carlier came back on the verandah. “They’re all gone, hey?” asked Kayerts from the far end of the common room in a muffled voice. “You did not find anybody?”

Carlier returned to the porch. “They’ve all left, right?” Kayerts asked from the far end of the common room in a low voice. “You didn’t find anyone?”

“Oh, yes,” said Carlier, “I found one of Gobila’s people lying dead before the huts—shot through the body. We heard that shot last night.”

“Oh, yes,” Carlier said, “I found one of Gobila’s people lying dead in front of the huts—shot through the body. We heard that shot last night.”

Kayerts came out quickly. He found his companion staring grimly over the yard at the tusks, away by the store. They both sat in silence for a while. Then Kayerts related his conversation with Makola. Carlier said nothing. At the midday meal they ate very little. They hardly exchanged a word that day. A great silence seemed to lie heavily over the station and press on their lips. Makola did not open the store; he spent the day playing with his children. He lay full-length on a mat outside his door, and the youngsters sat on his chest and clambered all over him. It was a touching picture. Mrs. Makola was busy cooking all day, as usual. The white men made a somewhat better meal in the evening. Afterwards, Carlier smoking his pipe strolled over to the store; he stood for a long time over the tusks, touched one or two with his foot, even tried to lift the largest one by its small end. He came back to his chief, who had not stirred from the verandah, threw himself in the chair and said—

Kayerts came out quickly. He found his companion staring grimly over the yard at the tusks, near the store. They both sat in silence for a while. Then Kayerts shared his conversation with Makola. Carlier didn't say anything. During the midday meal, they barely ate anything. They hardly exchanged a word that day. A heavy silence seemed to hang over the station and press down on their lips. Makola didn't open the store; he spent the day playing with his kids. He lay flat on a mat outside his door, and the little ones sat on his chest and climbed all over him. It was a heartwarming sight. Mrs. Makola was busy cooking all day, as usual. The white men had a slightly better meal that evening. Afterward, Carlier, smoking his pipe, wandered over to the store; he stood for a long time looking at the tusks, kicked one or two with his foot, even tried to lift the largest one by its small end. He returned to his chief, who hadn't moved from the verandah, threw himself into the chair and said—

“I can see it! They were pounced upon while they slept heavily after drinking all that palm wine you’ve allowed Makola to give them. A put-up job! See? The worst is, some of Gobila’s people were there, and got carried off too, no doubt. The least drunk woke up, and got shot for his sobriety. This is a funny country. What will you do now?”

“I can see it! They were ambushed while they were sleeping soundly after drinking all that palm wine you let Makola give them. It was a setup! Look? The worst part is, some of Gobila’s people were there and got taken away too, no doubt. The least drunk woke up and got shot for being sober. This is a strange country. What are you going to do now?”

“We can’t touch it, of course,” said Kayerts.

“We can’t touch it, of course,” Kayerts said.

“Of course not,” assented Carlier.

“Of course not,” agreed Carlier.

“Slavery is an awful thing,” stammered out Kayerts in an unsteady voice.

“Slavery is a terrible thing,” Kayerts said with a shaky voice.

“Frightful—the sufferings,” grunted Carlier with conviction.

“Terrible—the pain,” Carlier grunted with conviction.

They believed their words. Everybody shows a respectful deference to certain sounds that he and his fellows can make. But about feelings people really know nothing. We talk with indignation or enthusiasm; we talk about oppression, cruelty, crime, devotion, self-sacrifice, virtue, and we know nothing real beyond the words. Nobody knows what suffering or sacrifice mean—except, perhaps the victims of the mysterious purpose of these illusions.

They believed what they said. Everyone shows a certain respect for the sounds they and their peers can produce. But when it comes to feelings, people truly understand very little. We express ourselves with anger or excitement; we discuss oppression, cruelty, crime, devotion, self-sacrifice, virtue, and yet we know nothing real beyond the words themselves. No one truly understands what suffering or sacrifice mean—except, maybe, the victims of the shadowy purpose behind these illusions.

Next morning they saw Makola very busy setting up in the yard the big scales used for weighing ivory. By and by Carlier said: “What’s that filthy scoundrel up to?” and lounged out into the yard. Kayerts followed. They stood watching. Makola took no notice. When the balance was swung true, he tried to lift a tusk into the scale. It was too heavy. He looked up helplessly without a word, and for a minute they stood round that balance as mute and still as three statues. Suddenly Carlier said: “Catch hold of the other end, Makola—you beast!” and together they swung the tusk up. Kayerts trembled in every limb. He muttered, “I say! O! I say!” and putting his hand in his pocket found there a dirty bit of paper and the stump of a pencil. He turned his back on the others, as if about to do something tricky, and noted stealthily the weights which Carlier shouted out to him with unnecessary loudness. When all was over Makola whispered to himself: “The sun’s very strong here for the tusks.” Carlier said to Kayerts in a careless tone: “I say, chief, I might just as well give him a lift with this lot into the store.”

The next morning, they saw Makola busy setting up the large scales used for weighing ivory in the yard. After a while, Carlier said, “What’s that filthy scoundrel up to?” and strolled out into the yard. Kayerts followed him. They stood there watching. Makola didn’t pay them any attention. When the balance was even, he tried to lift a tusk onto the scale. It was too heavy. He looked up helplessly without saying a word, and for a minute, the three of them stood around that balance like statues. Suddenly, Carlier said, “Grab the other end, Makola—you beast!” and together they hoisted the tusk up. Kayerts shook with anxiety. He muttered, “I say! Oh! I say!” and when he checked his pocket, he found a dirty scrap of paper and the stub of a pencil. He turned his back to the others, as if about to do something sneaky, and quietly wrote down the weights that Carlier shouted to him with unnecessary volume. When it was all done, Makola whispered to himself, “The sun’s really strong here for the tusks.” Carlier casually said to Kayerts, “Hey chief, I might as well help him with this lot into the store.”

As they were going back to the house Kayerts observed with a sigh: “It had to be done.” And Carlier said: “It’s deplorable, but, the men being Company’s men the ivory is Company’s ivory. We must look after it.” “I will report to the Director, of course,” said Kayerts. “Of course; let him decide,” approved Carlier.

As they were heading back to the house, Kayerts sighed and said, “It had to be done.” Carlier replied, “It’s unfortunate, but since the men are Company employees, the ivory belongs to the Company. We need to take care of it.” “I’ll report to the Director, of course,” Kayerts said. “Of course; let him make the decision,” Carlier agreed.

At midday they made a hearty meal. Kayerts sighed from time to time. Whenever they mentioned Makola’s name they always added to it an opprobrious epithet. It eased their conscience. Makola gave himself a half-holiday, and bathed his children in the river. No one from Gobila’s villages came near the station that day. No one came the next day, and the next, nor for a whole week. Gobila’s people might have been dead and buried for any sign of life they gave. But they were only mourning for those they had lost by the witchcraft of white men, who had brought wicked people into their country. The wicked people were gone, but fear remained. Fear always remains. A man may destroy everything within himself, love and hate and belief, and even doubt; but as long as he clings to life he cannot destroy fear: the fear, subtle, indestructible, and terrible, that pervades his being; that tinges his thoughts; that lurks in his heart; that watches on his lips the struggle of his last breath. In his fear, the mild old Gobila offered extra human sacrifices to all the Evil Spirits that had taken possession of his white friends. His heart was heavy. Some warriors spoke about burning and killing, but the cautious old savage dissuaded them. Who could foresee the woe those mysterious creatures, if irritated, might bring? They should be left alone. Perhaps in time they would disappear into the earth as the first one had disappeared. His people must keep away from them, and hope for the best.

At midday, they had a big meal. Kayerts sighed now and then. Whenever they brought up Makola’s name, they always added a nasty nickname to it. It made them feel better about themselves. Makola took a half-day off and bathed his kids in the river. No one from Gobila’s villages showed up at the station that day. No one came the next day, or the day after that, or for an entire week. Gobila’s people might as well have been dead and buried for all the signs of life they showed. But they were just mourning those they had lost due to the witchcraft of white men, who had brought evil people into their land. The evil people were gone, but fear lingered. Fear always lingers. A man can destroy everything inside himself—love, hate, belief, and even doubt—but as long as he clings to life, he can’t destroy fear: that subtle, indestructible, terrifying fear that fills his being; that colors his thoughts; that hides in his heart; that watches the struggle of his last breath on his lips. In his fear, the gentle old Gobila offered additional human sacrifices to all the Evil Spirits that had taken over his white friends. He felt heavy-hearted. Some warriors talked about burning and killing, but the cautious old savage talked them out of it. Who could predict the misery those mysterious beings might unleash if provoked? They should just be left alone. Maybe, over time, they would vanish into the earth like the first one had. His people had to keep their distance from them and hope for the best.

Kayerts and Carlier did not disappear, but remained above on this earth, that, somehow, they fancied had become bigger and very empty. It was not the absolute and dumb solitude of the post that impressed them so much as an inarticulate feeling that something from within them was gone, something that worked for their safety, and had kept the wilderness from interfering with their hearts. The images of home; the memory of people like them, of men that thought and felt as they used to think and feel, receded into distances made indistinct by the glare of unclouded sunshine. And out of the great silence of the surrounding wilderness, its very hopelessness and savagery seemed to approach them nearer, to draw them gently, to look upon them, to envelop them with a solicitude irresistible, familiar, and disgusting.

Kayerts and Carlier didn’t just vanish; they stayed on this earth, which somehow felt bigger and emptier to them. It wasn’t the complete and dull solitude of the post that struck them so deeply, but rather a vague sense that something inside them was lost, something that had ensured their safety and kept the wild from invading their hearts. The images of home and the memories of people like them—men who used to think and feel as they did—faded into a distance blurred by the bright, unclouded sunshine. And from the deep silence of the vast wilderness, its very despair and savagery seemed to draw closer, to gently reach out to them, to gaze upon them, to wrap them in an irresistible, familiar, and repulsive care.

Days lengthened into weeks, then into months. Gobila’s people drummed and yelled to every new moon, as of yore, but kept away from the station. Makola and Carlier tried once in a canoe to open communications, but were received with a shower of arrows, and had to fly back to the station for dear life. That attempt set the country up and down the river into an uproar that could be very distinctly heard for days. The steamer was late. At first they spoke of delay jauntily, then anxiously, then gloomily. The matter was becoming serious. Stores were running short. Carlier cast his lines off the bank, but the river was low, and the fish kept out in the stream. They dared not stroll far away from the station to shoot. Moreover, there was no game in the impenetrable forest. Once Carlier shot a hippo in the river. They had no boat to secure it, and it sank. When it floated up it drifted away, and Gobila’s people secured the carcase. It was the occasion for a national holiday, but Carlier had a fit of rage over it and talked about the necessity of exterminating all the niggers before the country could be made habitable. Kayerts mooned about silently; spent hours looking at the portrait of his Melie. It represented a little girl with long bleached tresses and a rather sour face. His legs were much swollen, and he could hardly walk. Carlier, undermined by fever, could not swagger any more, but kept tottering about, still with a devil-may-care air, as became a man who remembered his crack regiment. He had become hoarse, sarcastic, and inclined to say unpleasant things. He called it “being frank with you.” They had long ago reckoned their percentages on trade, including in them that last deal of “this infamous Makola.” They had also concluded not to say anything about it. Kayerts hesitated at first—was afraid of the Director.

Days turned into weeks, then into months. Gobila's people drummed and shouted at every new moon like they used to, but stayed away from the station. Makola and Carlier once tried to reach out in a canoe, but they were met with a barrage of arrows and had to flee back to the station for their lives. That attempt sparked chaos throughout the area along the river that could be heard clearly for days. The steamer was late. At first, they talked about the delay casually, then with concern, and finally with despair. The situation was starting to get serious. Supplies were running low. Carlier cast his lines off the bank, but the river was shallow, and the fish stayed far out in the stream. They didn’t dare wander far from the station to hunt. Additionally, there was no game in the dense forest. Once, Carlier shot a hippo in the river, but they had no boat to retrieve it, and it sank. When it floated back up, it drifted away, and Gobila's people claimed the carcass. This turned into a national holiday, but Carlier was furious about it, insisting on the need to exterminate all the locals before the country could be made livable. Kayerts wandered around silently, spending hours staring at a portrait of his Melie. It depicted a little girl with long, bleached hair and a rather sour expression. His legs were swollen, making it hard for him to walk. Carlier, weakened by fever, could no longer swagger but stumbled around with a carefree attitude, fitting for a man who remembered his elite regiment. He had become hoarse, sarcastic, and prone to making unpleasant comments, which he called “being frank with you.” They had long ago calculated their trade percentages, including that last deal with “that despicable Makola.” They also decided to keep it to themselves. Kayerts hesitated at first, afraid of the Director.

“He has seen worse things done on the quiet,” maintained Carlier, with a hoarse laugh. “Trust him! He won’t thank you if you blab. He is no better than you or me. Who will talk if we hold our tongues? There is nobody here.”

“He's seen worse things happen without anyone knowing,” Carlier said with a hoarse laugh. “Trust him! He won’t appreciate it if you spill the beans. He’s no better than you or me. Who will speak if we keep quiet? There’s nobody here.”

That was the root of the trouble! There was nobody there; and being left there alone with their weakness, they became daily more like a pair of accomplices than like a couple of devoted friends. They had heard nothing from home for eight months. Every evening they said, “To-morrow we shall see the steamer.” But one of the Company’s steamers had been wrecked, and the Director was busy with the other, relieving very distant and important stations on the main river. He thought that the useless station, and the useless men, could wait. Meantime Kayerts and Carlier lived on rice boiled without salt, and cursed the Company, all Africa, and the day they were born. One must have lived on such diet to discover what ghastly trouble the necessity of swallowing one’s food may become. There was literally nothing else in the station but rice and coffee; they drank the coffee without sugar. The last fifteen lumps Kayerts had solemnly locked away in his box, together with a half-bottle of Cognac, “in case of sickness,” he explained. Carlier approved. “When one is sick,” he said, “any little extra like that is cheering.”

That was the source of the problem! There was no one around; and being left there alone with their shortcomings, they gradually became more like a couple of accomplices than true friends. They hadn't heard from home in eight months. Every evening they said, “Tomorrow we’ll see the steamer.” But one of the Company’s steamers had been wrecked, and the Director was preoccupied with the other, helping very distant and important stations on the main river. He thought that the unnecessary station, and the unnecessary men, could wait. In the meantime, Kayerts and Carlier survived on plain rice and complained about the Company, all of Africa, and the day they were born. You had to experience such a diet to understand how terrible the need to eat can become. There was literally nothing else at the station besides rice and coffee; they drank the coffee without sugar. Kayerts had carefully locked away the last fifteen sugar cubes in his box, along with a half-bottle of Cognac, “in case of illness,” he explained. Carlier agreed. “When you’re sick,” he said, “any little extra like that is uplifting.”

They waited. Rank grass began to sprout over the courtyard. The bell never rang now. Days passed, silent, exasperating, and slow. When the two men spoke, they snarled; and their silences were bitter, as if tinged by the bitterness of their thoughts.

They waited. Thick grass started to grow over the courtyard. The bell never rang anymore. Days went by, quiet, frustrating, and dragging. When the two men talked, they growled; and their silences were filled with bitterness, as if influenced by the harshness of their thoughts.

One day after a lunch of boiled rice, Carlier put down his cup untasted, and said: “Hang it all! Let’s have a decent cup of coffee for once. Bring out that sugar, Kayerts!”

One day after a lunch of boiled rice, Carlier set down his cup without tasting it and said, “For goodness' sake! Let’s have a proper cup of coffee for once. Bring out that sugar, Kayerts!”

“For the sick,” muttered Kayerts, without looking up.

"For the sick," Kayerts muttered, not looking up.

“For the sick,” mocked Carlier. “Bosh! . . . Well! I am sick.”

“For the sick,” Carlier scoffed. “Nonsense! . . . Anyway! I am sick.”

“You are no more sick than I am, and I go without,” said Kayerts in a peaceful tone.

“You're no more sick than I am, and I’m doing just fine,” Kayerts said calmly.

“Come! out with that sugar, you stingy old slave-dealer.”

“Come on! Hand over that sugar, you greedy old slave trader.”

Kayerts looked up quickly. Carlier was smiling with marked insolence. And suddenly it seemed to Kayerts that he had never seen that man before. Who was he? He knew nothing about him. What was he capable of? There was a surprising flash of violent emotion within him, as if in the presence of something undreamt-of, dangerous, and final. But he managed to pronounce with composure—

Kayerts looked up quickly. Carlier was smiling with blatant disrespect. And suddenly, it felt to Kayerts like he had never seen that man before. Who was he? He didn’t know anything about him. What was he capable of? There was a sudden surge of intense emotion within him, as if confronted with something unimaginable, dangerous, and ultimate. But he managed to speak calmly—

“That joke is in very bad taste. Don’t repeat it.”

“That joke is really inappropriate. Don’t tell it again.”

“Joke!” said Carlier, hitching himself forward on his seat. “I am hungry—I am sick—I don’t joke! I hate hypocrites. You are a hypocrite. You are a slave-dealer. I am a slave-dealer. There’s nothing but slave-dealers in this cursed country. I mean to have sugar in my coffee to-day, anyhow!”

“Joke!” Carlier said, shifting forward in his seat. “I’m hungry—I’m sick—I’m not joking! I hate hypocrites. You’re a hypocrite. You’re a slave dealer. I’m a slave dealer. There are nothing but slave dealers in this damned country. I’m getting sugar in my coffee today, one way or another!”

“I forbid you to speak to me in that way,” said Kayerts with a fair show of resolution.

“I forbid you to talk to me like that,” said Kayerts with a good deal of determination.

“You!—What?” shouted Carlier, jumping up.

"You!—What?" shouted Carlier, jumping up.

Kayerts stood up also. “I am your chief,” he began, trying to master the shakiness of his voice.

Kayerts stood up as well. “I’m your boss,” he started, trying to control the tremor in his voice.

“What?” yelled the other. “Who’s chief? There’s no chief here. There’s nothing here: there’s nothing but you and I. Fetch the sugar—you pot-bellied ass.”

“What?” yelled the other. “Who’s the boss? There’s no boss here. There’s nothing here: there’s nothing but you and me. Get the sugar—you pot-bellied idiot.”

“Hold your tongue. Go out of this room,” screamed Kayerts. “I dismiss you—you scoundrel!”

“Shut up. Get out of this room,” yelled Kayerts. “I’m firing you—you jerk!”

Carlier swung a stool. All at once he looked dangerously in earnest. “You flabby, good-for-nothing civilian—take that!” he howled.

Carlier swung a stool. Suddenly, he appeared intensely serious. “You lazy, useless civilian—take that!” he shouted.

Kayerts dropped under the table, and the stool struck the grass inner wall of the room. Then, as Carlier was trying to upset the table, Kayerts in desperation made a blind rush, head low, like a cornered pig would do, and over-turning his friend, bolted along the verandah, and into his room. He locked the door, snatched his revolver, and stood panting. In less than a minute Carlier was kicking at the door furiously, howling, “If you don’t bring out that sugar, I will shoot you at sight, like a dog. Now then—one—two—three. You won’t? I will show you who’s the master.”

Kayerts dropped to the floor, and the stool hit the grassy inner wall of the room. Then, as Carlier tried to tip over the table, Kayerts, in a panic, charged ahead with his head down, like a trapped pig, and knocked over his friend before rushing along the verandah and into his room. He locked the door, grabbed his revolver, and stood gasping for breath. In under a minute, Carlier was furiously kicking the door and yelling, “If you don’t give me that sugar, I’ll shoot you on sight, like a dog. Now—one—two—three. You won’t? I’ll show you who’s in charge.”

Kayerts thought the door would fall in, and scrambled through the square hole that served for a window in his room. There was then the whole breadth of the house between them. But the other was apparently not strong enough to break in the door, and Kayerts heard him running round. Then he also began to run laboriously on his swollen legs. He ran as quickly as he could, grasping the revolver, and unable yet to understand what was happening to him. He saw in succession Makola’s house, the store, the river, the ravine, and the low bushes; and he saw all those things again as he ran for the second time round the house. Then again they flashed past him. That morning he could not have walked a yard without a groan.

Kayerts thought the door would give way any moment, so he scrambled through the square hole that served as a window in his room. At that point, there was the entire width of the house between them. But the other guy didn’t seem strong enough to break down the door, and Kayerts heard him running around. Then he also started to run, struggling on his swollen legs. He ran as fast as he could, gripping the revolver, still unable to grasp what was happening to him. He saw Makola's house, the store, the river, the ravine, and the low bushes in quick succession; then he saw those same things again as he circled the house a second time. They flashed past him once more. That morning, he could barely walk a yard without groaning.

And now he ran. He ran fast enough to keep out of sight of the other man.

And now he ran. He ran quickly enough to stay out of sight of the other guy.

Then as, weak and desperate, he thought, “Before I finish the next round I shall die,” he heard the other man stumble heavily, then stop. He stopped also. He had the back and Carlier the front of the house, as before. He heard him drop into a chair cursing, and suddenly his own legs gave way, and he slid down into a sitting posture with his back to the wall. His mouth was as dry as a cinder, and his face was wet with perspiration—and tears. What was it all about? He thought it must be a horrible illusion; he thought he was dreaming; he thought he was going mad! After a while he collected his senses. What did they quarrel about? That sugar! How absurd! He would give it to him—didn’t want it himself. And he began scrambling to his feet with a sudden feeling of security. But before he had fairly stood upright, a commonsense reflection occurred to him and drove him back into despair. He thought: “If I give way now to that brute of a soldier, he will begin this horror again to-morrow—and the day after—every day—raise other pretensions, trample on me, torture me, make me his slave—and I will be lost! Lost! The steamer may not come for days—may never come.” He shook so that he had to sit down on the floor again. He shivered forlornly. He felt he could not, would not move any more. He was completely distracted by the sudden perception that the position was without issue—that death and life had in a moment become equally difficult and terrible.

Then, feeling weak and desperate, he thought, “I’ll die before I finish the next round.” He heard the other man stumble heavily and then stop. He stopped too. He had the back and Carlier had the front of the house, just like before. He heard Carlier drop into a chair, cursing, and suddenly his own legs gave out, causing him to slide down into a sitting position against the wall. His mouth was as dry as ash, and his face was wet with sweat—and tears. What was happening? He thought it must be a terrible illusion; he thought he was dreaming; he thought he was losing his mind! After a while, he collected his thoughts. What were they fighting about? That sugar! How ridiculous! He would give it to him—he didn’t want it anyway. He started to scramble to his feet with a sudden sense of security. But before he could fully stand upright, a common sense thought hit him and dragged him back into despair. He thought: “If I give in to that brute of a soldier now, he’ll start this nightmare all over again tomorrow—and the day after—every day—make more demands, trample on me, torment me, turn me into his slave—and I will be lost! Lost! The steamer might not come for days—might never come.” He shook so much that he had to sit back down on the floor. He shivered helplessly. He felt he could not, would not move again. He was completely overwhelmed by the realization that the situation had no good outcome—that death and life had suddenly become equally difficult and terrifying.

All at once he heard the other push his chair back; and he leaped to his feet with extreme facility. He listened and got confused. Must run again! Right or left? He heard footsteps. He darted to the left, grasping his revolver, and at the very same instant, as it seemed to him, they came into violent collision. Both shouted with surprise. A loud explosion took place between them; a roar of red fire, thick smoke; and Kayerts, deafened and blinded, rushed back thinking: “I am hit—it’s all over.” He expected the other to come round—to gloat over his agony. He caught hold of an upright of the roof—“All over!” Then he heard a crashing fall on the other side of the house, as if somebody had tumbled headlong over a chair—then silence. Nothing more happened. He did not die. Only his shoulder felt as if it had been badly wrenched, and he had lost his revolver. He was disarmed and helpless! He waited for his fate. The other man made no sound. It was a stratagem. He was stalking him now! Along what side? Perhaps he was taking aim this very minute!

Suddenly, he heard the other person push back their chair, and he jumped to his feet effortlessly. He listened but got confused. Must run again! Right or left? He heard footsteps. He dashed to the left, grabbing his revolver, and at that exact moment, it felt like they collided violently. Both of them shouted in shock. A loud bang erupted between them; a blast of red fire and thick smoke filled the air; and Kayerts, deafened and blinded, stumbled back, thinking, “I’m hit—it’s over.” He expected the other guy to come around—to relish in his pain. He grabbed a post in the ceiling—“It’s over!” Then he heard a loud crash on the other side of the house, like someone had fallen over a chair—then silence. Nothing more happened. He didn’t die. Only his shoulder felt like it had been seriously wrenched, and he had lost his revolver. He was unarmed and defenseless! He waited for whatever would come next. The other man stayed quiet. It was a trick. He was hunting him now! From which side? Maybe he was aiming right now!

After a few moments of an agony frightful and absurd, he decided to go and meet his doom. He was prepared for every surrender. He turned the corner, steadying himself with one hand on the wall; made a few paces, and nearly swooned. He had seen on the floor, protruding past the other corner, a pair of turned-up feet. A pair of white naked feet in red slippers. He felt deadly sick, and stood for a time in profound darkness. Then Makola appeared before him, saying quietly: “Come along, Mr. Kayerts. He is dead.” He burst into tears of gratitude; a loud, sobbing fit of crying. After a time he found himself sitting in a chair and looking at Carlier, who lay stretched on his back. Makola was kneeling over the body.

After a few moments of terrifying and absurd agony, he decided to go face his fate. He was ready to give in to everything. He turned the corner, steadying himself with one hand on the wall; walked a few steps, and almost fainted. He had seen on the floor, sticking out from around the other corner, a pair of turned-up feet. A pair of white bare feet in red slippers. He felt extremely nauseous and stood there for a while in deep darkness. Then Makola appeared in front of him, saying quietly: “Come along, Mr. Kayerts. He is dead.” He broke down in tears of relief; a loud, sobbing fit of crying. After a while, he found himself sitting in a chair, looking at Carlier, who lay on his back. Makola was kneeling by the body.

“Is this your revolver?” asked Makola, getting up.

“Is this your gun?” asked Makola, getting up.

“Yes,” said Kayerts; then he added very quickly, “He ran after me to shoot me—you saw!”

“Yes,” said Kayerts; then he added quickly, “He chased after me to shoot me—you saw!”

“Yes, I saw,” said Makola. “There is only one revolver; where’s his?”

“Yes, I saw,” said Makola. “There’s only one revolver; where’s his?”

“Don’t know,” whispered Kayerts in a voice that had become suddenly very faint.

“Don't know,” whispered Kayerts in a voice that had suddenly become very faint.

“I will go and look for it,” said the other, gently. He made the round along the verandah, while Kayerts sat still and looked at the corpse. Makola came back empty-handed, stood in deep thought, then stepped quietly into the dead man’s room, and came out directly with a revolver, which he held up before Kayerts. Kayerts shut his eyes. Everything was going round. He found life more terrible and difficult than death. He had shot an unarmed man.

“I’ll go look for it,” the other said softly. He walked around the verandah while Kayerts stayed put, staring at the corpse. Makola returned empty-handed, deep in thought, then quietly entered the dead man’s room. He came out with a revolver, which he held up in front of Kayerts. Kayerts shut his eyes. Everything felt like it was spinning. He realized that life was more awful and challenging than death. He had shot an unarmed man.

After meditating for a while, Makola said softly, pointing at the dead man who lay there with his right eye blown out—

After meditating for a while, Makola said gently, pointing at the dead man who lay there with his right eye blown out—

“He died of fever.” Kayerts looked at him with a stony stare. “Yes,” repeated Makola, thoughtfully, stepping over the corpse, “I think he died of fever. Bury him to-morrow.”

"He died of fever." Kayerts stared at him with a blank expression. "Yeah," repeated Makola, thoughtfully, stepping over the body, "I think he died of fever. Bury him tomorrow."

And he went away slowly to his expectant wife, leaving the two white men alone on the verandah.

And he walked away slowly to his waiting wife, leaving the two white men alone on the porch.

Night came, and Kayerts sat unmoving on his chair. He sat quiet as if he had taken a dose of opium. The violence of the emotions he had passed through produced a feeling of exhausted serenity. He had plumbed in one short afternoon the depths of horror and despair, and now found repose in the conviction that life had no more secrets for him: neither had death! He sat by the corpse thinking; thinking very actively, thinking very new thoughts. He seemed to have broken loose from himself altogether. His old thoughts, convictions, likes and dislikes, things he respected and things he abhorred, appeared in their true light at last! Appeared contemptible and childish, false and ridiculous. He revelled in his new wisdom while he sat by the man he had killed. He argued with himself about all things under heaven with that kind of wrong-headed lucidity which may be observed in some lunatics. Incidentally he reflected that the fellow dead there had been a noxious beast anyway; that men died every day in thousands; perhaps in hundreds of thousands—who could tell?—and that in the number, that one death could not possibly make any difference; couldn’t have any importance, at least to a thinking creature. He, Kayerts, was a thinking creature. He had been all his life, till that moment, a believer in a lot of nonsense like the rest of mankind—who are fools; but now he thought! He knew! He was at peace; he was familiar with the highest wisdom! Then he tried to imagine himself dead, and Carlier sitting in his chair watching him; and his attempt met with such unexpected success, that in a very few moments he became not at all sure who was dead and who was alive. This extraordinary achievement of his fancy startled him, however, and by a clever and timely effort of mind he saved himself just in time from becoming Carlier. His heart thumped, and he felt hot all over at the thought of that danger. Carlier! What a beastly thing! To compose his now disturbed nerves—and no wonder!—he tried to whistle a little. Then, suddenly, he fell asleep, or thought he had slept; but at any rate there was a fog, and somebody had whistled in the fog.

Night fell, and Kayerts sat still in his chair. He was quiet, as if he had taken a dose of opium. The intensity of the emotions he had experienced left him feeling exhausted yet calm. In a single, short afternoon, he had faced the depths of horror and despair, and now he found peace in the belief that life had no more secrets for him: neither did death! He sat beside the corpse, thinking; actively thinking, and forming new thoughts. It felt like he had completely detached from himself. His old thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and aversions—things he respected and things he loathed—finally showed themselves for what they truly were: contemptible and childish, false and absurd. He reveled in his newfound wisdom while sitting next to the man he had killed. He debated with himself about everything under the sun with a kind of misguided clarity often seen in some lunatics. He idly reflected that the dead man had been a horrible creature anyway; that men died every day by the thousands; perhaps by the hundreds of thousands—who could know?—and that, among them, one death could hardly matter; it couldn’t hold any significance, at least to a thinking being. He, Kayerts, was a thinking being. Until that moment, he had believed in a lot of nonsense like everyone else—who are fools; but now he truly thought! He knew! He was at peace; he was acquainted with the highest wisdom! Then he tried to picture himself dead, with Carlier sitting in his chair watching him; and his attempt was so unexpectedly successful, that soon he wasn't sure who was dead and who was alive. This remarkable feat of his imagination shocked him, though, and with a clever, timely effort of will, he pulled himself back just in time to avoid becoming Carlier. His heart raced, and he felt hot all over at the thought of that peril. Carlier! What a horrible idea! To calm his now rattled nerves—and no wonder!—he attempted to whistle a bit. Then, suddenly, he fell asleep, or thought he had fallen asleep; but at any rate, there was a fog, and someone had whistled in the fog.

He stood up. The day had come, and a heavy mist had descended upon the land: the mist penetrating, enveloping, and silent; the morning mist of tropical lands; the mist that clings and kills; the mist white and deadly, immaculate and poisonous. He stood up, saw the body, and threw his arms above his head with a cry like that of a man who, waking from a trance, finds himself immured forever in a tomb. “Help! . . . . My God!”

He stood up. The day had arrived, and a thick fog had settled over the land: the fog was penetrating, enveloping, and silent; the morning fog of tropical regions; the fog that clings and suffocates; the fog that was white and deadly, pure and toxic. He stood up, saw the body, and threw his arms above his head with a cry like that of a man who, waking from a trance, realizes he's trapped forever in a tomb. “Help! . . . . My God!”

A shriek inhuman, vibrating and sudden, pierced like a sharp dart the white shroud of that land of sorrow. Three short, impatient screeches followed, and then, for a time, the fog-wreaths rolled on, undisturbed, through a formidable silence. Then many more shrieks, rapid and piercing, like the yells of some exasperated and ruthless creature, rent the air. Progress was calling to Kayerts from the river. Progress and civilization and all the virtues. Society was calling to its accomplished child to come, to be taken care of, to be instructed, to be judged, to be condemned; it called him to return to that rubbish heap from which he had wandered away, so that justice could be done.

A sudden, inhuman shriek sliced through the quiet of that sorrowful land like a sharp dart. Three quick, impatient screeches followed, and then, for a while, the fog rolled on, undisturbed, in a heavy silence. Then many more shrieks, fast and piercing, like the cries of an angry and merciless creature, filled the air. Progress was calling to Kayerts from the river. Progress, civilization, and all the good things. Society was calling to its successful offspring to come back, to be cared for, to be educated, to be judged, to be condemned; it urged him to return to that dump he had strayed from, so that justice could be served.

Kayerts heard and understood. He stumbled out of the verandah, leaving the other man quite alone for the first time since they had been thrown there together. He groped his way through the fog, calling in his ignorance upon the invisible heaven to undo its work. Makola flitted by in the mist, shouting as he ran—

Kayerts heard and understood. He stumbled off the porch, leaving the other man completely alone for the first time since they had been thrown together. He fumbled his way through the fog, helplessly calling on the unseen heavens to fix its mistakes. Makola darted by in the mist, shouting as he ran—

“Steamer! Steamer! They can’t see. They whistle for the station. I go ring the bell. Go down to the landing, sir. I ring.”

“Train! Train! They can’t see. They’re whistling for the station. I go ring the bell. Head down to the platform, sir. I ring.”

He disappeared. Kayerts stood still. He looked upwards; the fog rolled low over his head. He looked round like a man who has lost his way; and he saw a dark smudge, a cross-shaped stain, upon the shifting purity of the mist. As he began to stumble towards it, the station bell rang in a tumultuous peal its answer to the impatient clamour of the steamer.

He vanished. Kayerts stood still. He looked up; the fog hung low over him. He glanced around like someone who's lost their way; and he noticed a dark smudge, a cross-shaped mark, against the shifting whiteness of the mist. As he started to stumble toward it, the station bell rang out loudly in response to the impatient noise from the steamer.

The Managing Director of the Great Civilizing Company (since we know that civilization follows trade) landed first, and incontinently lost sight of the steamer. The fog down by the river was exceedingly dense; above, at the station, the bell rang unceasing and brazen.

The Managing Director of the Great Civilizing Company (since we know that civilization follows trade) was the first to land, and almost immediately lost sight of the steamer. The fog by the river was extremely thick; up at the station, the bell rang constantly and loudly.

The Director shouted loudly to the steamer:

The Director yelled out to the steamer:

“There is nobody down to meet us; there may be something wrong, though they are ringing. You had better come, too!”

“There’s no one here to meet us; something might be wrong, even though they’re ringing. You should come along, too!”

And he began to toil up the steep bank. The captain and the engine-driver of the boat followed behind. As they scrambled up the fog thinned, and they could see their Director a good way ahead. Suddenly they saw him start forward, calling to them over his shoulder:—“Run! Run to the house! I’ve found one of them. Run, look for the other!”

And he started to climb up the steep bank. The captain and the train driver of the boat followed behind. As they struggled up, the fog cleared, and they could see their Director a distance ahead. Suddenly, they saw him dash forward, calling back to them: “Hurry! Go to the house! I’ve found one of them. Hurry, look for the other!”

He had found one of them! And even he, the man of varied and startling experience, was somewhat discomposed by the manner of this finding. He stood and fumbled in his pockets (for a knife) while he faced Kayerts, who was hanging by a leather strap from the cross. He had evidently climbed the grave, which was high and narrow, and after tying the end of the strap to the arm, had swung himself off. His toes were only a couple of inches above the ground; his arms hung stiffly down; he seemed to be standing rigidly at attention, but with one purple cheek playfully posed on the shoulder. And, irreverently, he was putting out a swollen tongue at his Managing Director.

He had found one of them! Even he, with all his diverse and shocking experiences, felt a bit unsettled by how he made this discovery. He stood there fumbling in his pockets (looking for a knife) as he faced Kayerts, who was hanging by a leather strap from the cross. It was clear that he had climbed onto the grave, which was high and narrow, and after tying the end of the strap to the arm, had swung himself down. His toes were just a couple of inches off the ground; his arms hung stiffly down; he looked like he was standing rigidly at attention, but with one purple cheek casually resting on his shoulder. And, irreverently, he was sticking out a swollen tongue at his Managing Director.





THE RETURN

The inner circle train from the City rushed impetuously out of a black hole and pulled up with a discordant, grinding racket in the smirched twilight of a West-End station. A line of doors flew open and a lot of men stepped out headlong. They had high hats, healthy pale faces, dark overcoats and shiny boots; they held in their gloved hands thin umbrellas and hastily folded evening papers that resembled stiff, dirty rags of greenish, pinkish, or whitish colour. Alvan Hervey stepped out with the rest, a smouldering cigar between his teeth. A disregarded little woman in rusty black, with both arms full of parcels, ran along in distress, bolted suddenly into a third-class compartment and the train went on. The slamming of carriage doors burst out sharp and spiteful like a fusillade; an icy draught mingled with acrid fumes swept the whole length of the platform and made a tottering old man, wrapped up to his ears in a woollen comforter, stop short in the moving throng to cough violently over his stick. No one spared him a glance.

The inner circle train from the City rushed out of a dark tunnel and came to a stop with a loud, jarring noise in the dirty twilight of a West-End station. A line of doors swung open and a bunch of men hurried out. They wore top hats, had healthy pale faces, dark overcoats, and shiny boots; they held thin umbrellas and hastily folded evening papers that looked like stiff, dirty rags in shades of green, pink, or white. Alvan Hervey stepped out with the others, a smoldering cigar between his teeth. An ignored little woman in worn black, arms full of packages, dashed along in distress, suddenly bolted into a third-class compartment, and the train continued on. The slamming of carriage doors rang out sharply and spitefully like gunfire; a cold draft mixed with acrid fumes swept the entire platform and made a shaky old man, bundled up to his ears in a wool scarf, stop abruptly in the crowd to cough violently over his cane. No one bothered to look at him.

Alvan Hervey passed through the ticket gate. Between the bare walls of a sordid staircase men clambered rapidly; their backs appeared alike—almost as if they had been wearing a uniform; their indifferent faces were varied but somehow suggested kinship, like the faces of a band of brothers who through prudence, dignity, disgust, or foresight would resolutely ignore each other; and their eyes, quick or slow; their eyes gazing up the dusty steps; their eyes brown, black, gray, blue, had all the same stare, concentrated and empty, satisfied and unthinking.

Alvan Hervey walked through the ticket gate. In the bare walls of a grimy staircase, men hurried up the stairs; their backs looked similar—almost like they were wearing a uniform; their indifferent faces were different but somehow hinted at a shared connection, like the faces of a group of brothers who, out of caution, pride, disgust, or foresight, chose to ignore one another; and their eyes, whether quick or slow; their eyes looking up the dusty steps; their eyes brown, black, gray, blue, all had the same look, focused and vacant, content and unreflective.

Outside the big doorway of the street they scattered in all directions, walking away fast from one another with the hurried air of men fleeing from something compromising; from familiarity or confidences; from something suspected and concealed—like truth or pestilence. Alvan Hervey hesitated, standing alone in the doorway for a moment; then decided to walk home.

Outside the big doorway of the street, they quickly spread out in all directions, walking away from each other with the frantic vibe of people escaping from something embarrassing; from familiarity or secrets; from something hidden and suspected—like the truth or a disease. Alvan Hervey paused, standing alone in the doorway for a moment; then chose to walk home.

He strode firmly. A misty rain settled like silvery dust on clothes, on moustaches; wetted the faces, varnished the flagstones, darkened the walls, dripped from umbrellas. And he moved on in the rain with careless serenity, with the tranquil ease of someone successful and disdainful, very sure of himself—a man with lots of money and friends. He was tall, well set-up, good-looking and healthy; and his clear pale face had under its commonplace refinement that slight tinge of overbearing brutality which is given by the possession of only partly difficult accomplishments; by excelling in games, or in the art of making money; by the easy mastery over animals and over needy men.

He walked confidently. A light rain settled like silvery dust on clothes and mustaches; it wet faces, shined the flagstones, darkened the walls, and dripped from umbrellas. He continued on in the rain with a relaxed calm, like someone who is both successful and dismissive, very self-assured—a man with plenty of money and friends. He was tall, well-built, attractive, and healthy; his clear, pale face had beneath its ordinary refinement a hint of arrogant toughness, a trait that comes from having only partially difficult achievements, like excelling in sports or making money easily, along with the knack for controlling animals and taking advantage of needy people.

He was going home much earlier than usual, straight from the City and without calling at his club. He considered himself well connected, well educated and intelligent. Who doesn’t? But his connections, education and intelligence were strictly on a par with those of the men with whom he did business or amused himself. He had married five years ago. At the time all his acquaintances had said he was very much in love; and he had said so himself, frankly, because it is very well understood that every man falls in love once in his life—unless his wife dies, when it may be quite praiseworthy to fall in love again. The girl was healthy, tall, fair, and in his opinion was well connected, well educated and intelligent. She was also intensely bored with her home where, as if packed in a tight box, her individuality—of which she was very conscious—had no play. She strode like a grenadier, was strong and upright like an obelisk, had a beautiful face, a candid brow, pure eyes, and not a thought of her own in her head. He surrendered quickly to all those charms, and she appeared to him so unquestionably of the right sort that he did not hesitate for a moment to declare himself in love. Under the cover of that sacred and poetical fiction he desired her masterfully, for various reasons; but principally for the satisfaction of having his own way. He was very dull and solemn about it—for no earthly reason, unless to conceal his feelings—which is an eminently proper thing to do. Nobody, however, would have been shocked had he neglected that duty, for the feeling he experienced really was a longing—a longing stronger and a little more complex no doubt, but no more reprehensible in its nature than a hungry man’s appetite for his dinner.

He was going home much earlier than usual, heading straight from the City and skipping his club. He thought of himself as well-connected, well-educated, and smart. Who doesn't? But his connections, education, and intelligence were pretty much on the same level as those of the people he worked with or had fun with. He had gotten married five years ago. At that time, everyone he knew said he was very much in love; he had claimed that himself too, because it’s commonly accepted that every man falls in love at least once in his life—unless his wife passes away, in which case it’s often seen as acceptable to fall in love again. The girl was healthy, tall, fair, and in his view, she was well-connected, well-educated, and intelligent. She was also incredibly bored with her home life, where her individuality—something she was very aware of—was confined. She walked confidently, strong and straight like an obelisk, had a beautiful face, an open forehead, pure eyes, and not a single independent thought in her head. He quickly fell for all those charms and she seemed so undeniably right for him that he didn’t hesitate to declare his love. Behind that poetic fiction, he desired her powerfully for a variety of reasons; but mainly for the satisfaction of getting his way. He was pretty dull and serious about it—for reasons that were unclear, except to hide his feelings—which was seen as the right move. However, nobody would have been surprised if he had ignored that expectation, because the emotion he felt was truly a yearning—a yearning that was stronger and perhaps a bit more complicated, but no less natural than a hungry man's craving for dinner.

After their marriage they busied themselves, with marked success, in enlarging the circle of their acquaintance. Thirty people knew them by sight; twenty more with smiling demonstrations tolerated their occasional presence within hospitable thresholds; at least fifty others became aware of their existence. They moved in their enlarged world amongst perfectly delightful men and women who feared emotion, enthusiasm, or failure, more than fire, war, or mortal disease; who tolerated only the commonest formulas of commonest thoughts, and recognized only profitable facts. It was an extremely charming sphere, the abode of all the virtues, where nothing is realized and where all joys and sorrows are cautiously toned down into pleasures and annoyances. In that serene region, then, where noble sentiments are cultivated in sufficient profusion to conceal the pitiless materialism of thoughts and aspirations Alvan Hervey and his wife spent five years of prudent bliss unclouded by any doubt as to the moral propriety of their existence. She, to give her individuality fair play, took up all manner of philanthropic work and became a member of various rescuing and reforming societies patronized or presided over by ladies of title. He took an active interest in politics; and having met quite by chance a literary man—who nevertheless was related to an earl—he was induced to finance a moribund society paper. It was a semi-political, and wholly scandalous publication, redeemed by excessive dulness; and as it was utterly faithless, as it contained no new thought, as it never by any chance had a flash of wit, satire, or indignation in its pages, he judged it respectable enough, at first sight. Afterwards, when it paid, he promptly perceived that upon the whole it was a virtuous undertaking. It paved the way of his ambition; and he enjoyed also the special kind of importance he derived from this connection with what he imagined to be literature.

After their marriage, they quickly got to work, successfully expanding their social circle. Thirty people recognized them; twenty more welcomed their occasional visits with warm smiles; at least fifty others became aware of their existence. They navigated their new social landscape among perfectly lovely men and women who were more afraid of emotions, enthusiasm, or failure than of fire, war, or deadly disease. These people accepted only the most basic ideas and recognized only profitable facts. It was an incredibly charming environment, filled with all the virtues, where reality was never confronted, and all joys and sorrows were carefully dulled into mere pleasures and annoyances. In that calm space, where noble sentiments flourished enough to hide the harsh materialism of thoughts and dreams, Alvan Hervey and his wife spent five years of careful happiness, free from any concerns about the moral standing of their lives. To assert her individuality, she engaged in various charitable works and joined several rescue and reform societies led by women of influence. He became actively involved in politics; and after an unexpected meeting with a writer who was connected to an earl, he decided to support a failing society newspaper. It was semi-political and entirely scandalous, yet so boring that its dullness saved it. Initially, he thought it respectable since it was completely unfaithful, contained no original ideas, and lacked even a hint of wit, satire, or outrage. Later, when it started making money, he realized it was, on the whole, a virtuous endeavor. It helped him pursue his ambitions and gave him a special sense of importance from his connection to what he perceived as literature.

This connection still further enlarged their world. Men who wrote or drew prettily for the public came at times to their house, and his editor came very often. He thought him rather an ass because he had such big front teeth (the proper thing is to have small, even teeth) and wore his hair a trifle longer than most men do. However, some dukes wear their hair long, and the fellow indubitably knew his business. The worst was that his gravity, though perfectly portentous, could not be trusted. He sat, elegant and bulky, in the drawing-room, the head of his stick hovering in front of his big teeth, and talked for hours with a thick-lipped smile (he said nothing that could be considered objectionable and not quite the thing) talked in an unusual manner—not obviously irritatingly. His forehead was too lofty—unusually so—and under it there was a straight nose, lost between the hairless cheeks, that in a smooth curve ran into a chin shaped like the end of a snow-shoe. And in this face that resembled the face of a fat and fiendishly knowing baby there glittered a pair of clever, peering, unbelieving black eyes. He wrote verses too. Rather an ass. But the band of men who trailed at the skirts of his monumental frock-coat seemed to perceive wonderful things in what he said. Alvan Hervey put it down to affectation. Those artist chaps, upon the whole, were so affected. Still, all this was highly proper—very useful to him—and his wife seemed to like it—as if she also had derived some distinct and secret advantage from this intellectual connection. She received her mixed and decorous guests with a kind of tall, ponderous grace, peculiarly her own and which awakened in the mind of intimidated strangers incongruous and improper reminiscences of an elephant, a giraffe, a gazelle; of a gothic tower—of an overgrown angel. Her Thursdays were becoming famous in their world; and their world grew steadily, annexing street after street. It included also Somebody’s Gardens, a Crescent—a couple of Squares.

This connection further expanded their world. Sometimes, men who wrote or drew well for the public came to their house, and his editor visited frequently. He thought the editor was a bit of a fool because he had large front teeth (small, even teeth are ideal) and wore his hair slightly longer than most men. However, some dukes have long hair, and the guy definitely knew his stuff. The worst part was that his seriousness, though impressively intense, couldn’t be fully trusted. He sat, both stylish and stocky, in the living room, the tip of his cane hovering in front of his big teeth, and talked for hours with a thick-lipped smile (he never said anything that could be seen as inappropriate or out of place) speaking in a strange way—not obviously annoying. His forehead was unusually high—too high—and beneath it, a straight nose was set between his hairless cheeks, which smoothly curved into a chin shaped like the end of a snowshoe. And on this face, reminiscent of a chubby and wickedly clever baby, sparkled a pair of clever, probing, skeptical black eyes. He wrote poetry too. Quite a fool. But the group of men who hung around his impressive frock coat seemed to find great insights in what he said. Alvan Hervey chalked it up to pretentiousness. Those artist types were generally so affected. Still, all this was very proper—quite useful for him—and his wife seemed to enjoy it—as if she too had gained some definite and secret benefit from this intellectual connection. She welcomed her mixed and respectable guests with a kind of tall, heavy elegance that was uniquely her own, evoking in the minds of intimidated newcomers incongruous and inappropriate images of an elephant, a giraffe, a gazelle; of a gothic tower—of an oversized angel. Her Thursdays were becoming famous in their social circle, which kept growing, taking over street after street. It also included Somebody’s Gardens, a Crescent, and a couple of Squares.

Thus Alvan Hervey and his wife for five prosperous years lived by the side of one another. In time they came to know each other sufficiently well for all the practical purposes of such an existence, but they were no more capable of real intimacy than two animals feeding at the same manger, under the same roof, in a luxurious stable. His longing was appeased and became a habit; and she had her desire—the desire to get away from under the paternal roof, to assert her individuality, to move in her own set (so much smarter than the parental one); to have a home of her own, and her own share of the world’s respect, envy, and applause. They understood each other warily, tacitly, like a pair of cautious conspirators in a profitable plot; because they were both unable to look at a fact, a sentiment, a principle, or a belief otherwise than in the light of their own dignity, of their own glorification, of their own advantage. They skimmed over the surface of life hand in hand, in a pure and frosty atmosphere—like two skilful skaters cutting figures on thick ice for the admiration of the beholders, and disdainfully ignoring the hidden stream, the stream restless and dark; the stream of life, profound and unfrozen.

Thus, Alvan Hervey and his wife lived together for five successful years. In that time, they got to know each other well enough for practical purposes, but they were no more capable of real intimacy than two animals feeding at the same trough, under the same roof, in a comfortable stable. His longing was satisfied and became a habit; she had her wish—the wish to escape from her parents' home, to assert her individuality, to mingle with her own social circle (which was so much more sophisticated than her parents’); to create her own home and earn her share of the world's respect, envy, and applause. They understood each other cautiously, silently, like two careful conspirators in a profitable scheme; because they both viewed facts, feelings, principles, or beliefs only through the lens of their own dignity, their own glorification, and their own benefit. They glided over the surface of life hand in hand, in a pure and cold atmosphere—like two skilled skaters performing on thick ice for the admiration of the onlookers, while ignoring the hidden stream, the restless and dark stream of life, deep and unfrozen.

Alvan Hervey turned twice to the left, once to the right, walked along two sides of a square, in the middle of which groups of tame-looking trees stood in respectable captivity behind iron railings, and rang at his door. A parlour-maid opened. A fad of his wife’s, this, to have only women servants. That girl, while she took his hat and overcoat, said something which made him look at his watch. It was five o’clock, and his wife not at home. There was nothing unusual in that. He said, “No; no tea,” and went upstairs.

Alvan Hervey turned left twice, then once to the right, walked along two sides of a square where groups of tame-looking trees stood in respectable captivity behind iron railings, and rang his doorbell. A maid opened the door. His wife's preference for having only female staff was a trend she was into. As she took his hat and overcoat, she said something that made him check his watch. It was five o’clock, and his wife wasn’t home. That wasn’t unusual. He replied, “No; no tea,” and headed upstairs.

He ascended without footfalls. Brass rods glimmered all up the red carpet. On the first-floor landing a marble woman, decently covered from neck to instep with stone draperies, advanced a row of lifeless toes to the edge of the pedestal, and thrust out blindly a rigid white arm holding a cluster of lights. He had artistic tastes—at home. Heavy curtains caught back, half concealed dark corners. On the rich, stamped paper of the walls hung sketches, water-colours, engravings. His tastes were distinctly artistic. Old church towers peeped above green masses of foliage; the hills were purple, the sands yellow, the seas sunny, the skies blue. A young lady sprawled with dreamy eyes in a moored boat, in company of a lunch basket, a champagne bottle, and an enamoured man in a blazer. Bare-legged boys flirted sweetly with ragged maidens, slept on stone steps, gambolled with dogs. A pathetically lean girl flattened against a blank wall, turned up expiring eyes and tendered a flower for sale; while, near by, the large photographs of some famous and mutilated bas-reliefs seemed to represent a massacre turned into stone.

He moved up silently. Brass rods shimmered along the red carpet. On the first-floor landing, a marble woman, modestly draped from neck to ankle in stone, extended a row of lifeless toes to the edge of the pedestal and reached out an inflexible white arm holding a cluster of lights. He had artistic tastes—at home. Heavy curtains pulled back half-concealed dark corners. On the rich, embossed wallpaper hung sketches, watercolors, and engravings. His tastes were clearly artistic. Old church towers peeked above lush greenery; the hills were purple, the sands yellow, the seas bright, and the skies blue. A young woman lounged with dreamy eyes in a tied-up boat, accompanied by a picnic basket, a champagne bottle, and a lovestruck man in a blazer. Bare-legged boys flirted charmingly with ragged girls, napped on stone steps, and played with dogs. A painfully thin girl pressed against a blank wall, turned up her fading eyes, and offered a flower for sale; while nearby, large photographs of some famous and damaged bas-reliefs seemed to depict a massacre turned to stone.

He looked, of course, at nothing, ascended another flight of stairs and went straight into the dressing room. A bronze dragon nailed by the tail to a bracket writhed away from the wall in calm convolutions, and held, between the conventional fury of its jaws, a crude gas flame that resembled a butterfly. The room was empty, of course; but, as he stepped in, it became filled all at once with a stir of many people; because the strips of glass on the doors of wardrobes and his wife’s large pier-glass reflected him from head to foot, and multiplied his image into a crowd of gentlemanly and slavish imitators, who were dressed exactly like himself; had the same restrained and rare gestures; who moved when he moved, stood still with him in an obsequious immobility, and had just such appearances of life and feeling as he thought it dignified and safe for any man to manifest. And like real people who are slaves of common thoughts, that are not even their own, they affected a shadowy independence by the superficial variety of their movements. They moved together with him; but they either advanced to meet him, or walked away from him; they appeared, disappeared; they seemed to dodge behind walnut furniture, to be seen again, far within the polished panes, stepping about distinct and unreal in the convincing illusion of a room. And like the men he respected they could be trusted to do nothing individual, original, or startling—nothing unforeseen and nothing improper.

He looked at nothing in particular, climbed another flight of stairs, and went straight into the dressing room. A bronze dragon, nailed by its tail to a bracket, twisted calmly away from the wall and held, between the typical fury of its jaws, a crude flame that looked like a butterfly. The room was empty, of course; but as he stepped in, it suddenly filled with a buzz of many people because the glass strips on the wardrobe doors and his wife’s large mirror reflected him from head to toe and multiplied his image into a crowd of gentlemanly and subservient copies, all dressed just like him; they shared his restrained and rare gestures; they moved when he moved, stood still with him in a submissive stillness, and exhibited just the right amount of life and feeling that he believed any man should show. And like real people who are slaves to common thoughts, which aren’t even their own, they pretended to have a shadowy independence through the superficial variety of their movements. They moved in sync with him; sometimes they advanced to meet him, or walked away; they appeared, vanished; they seemed to duck behind walnut furniture, only to be seen again, deep within the polished panes, stepping around distinctly and unreal in the convincing illusion of a room. And like the men he respected, they could be counted on to do nothing individual, original, or surprising—nothing unexpected and nothing inappropriate.

He moved for a time aimlessly in that good company, humming a popular but refined tune, and thinking vaguely of a business letter from abroad, which had to be answered on the morrow with cautious prevarication. Then, as he walked towards a wardrobe, he saw appearing at his back, in the high mirror, the corner of his wife’s dressing-table, and amongst the glitter of silver-mounted objects on it, the square white patch of an envelope. It was such an unusual thing to be seen there that he spun round almost before he realized his surprise; and all the sham men about him pivoted on their heels; all appeared surprised; and all moved rapidly towards envelopes on dressing-tables.

He wandered aimlessly for a while in that pleasant company, humming a trendy yet sophisticated tune, vaguely thinking about a business letter from abroad that he needed to respond to tomorrow with careful avoidance of the truth. Then, as he walked towards a wardrobe, he noticed in the high mirror the corner of his wife's dressing table, and among the shining silver objects on it, a square white envelope stood out. It was so unusual to see that there that he turned around almost before realizing he was surprised; all the fake people around him spun on their heels, all looked surprised, and all quickly moved toward the envelopes on the dressing tables.

He recognized his wife’s handwriting and saw that the envelope was addressed to himself. He muttered, “How very odd,” and felt annoyed. Apart from any odd action being essentially an indecent thing in itself, the fact of his wife indulging in it made it doubly offensive. That she should write to him at all, when she knew he would be home for dinner, was perfectly ridiculous; but that she should leave it like this—in evidence for chance discovery—struck him as so outrageous that, thinking of it, he experienced suddenly a staggering sense of insecurity, an absurd and bizarre flash of a notion that the house had moved a little under his feet. He tore the envelope open, glanced at the letter, and sat down in a chair near by.

He recognized his wife’s handwriting and saw that the envelope was addressed to him. He muttered, “How strange,” feeling annoyed. Besides the fact that any odd action is basically inappropriate, the idea of his wife engaging in it made it even more upsetting. It was completely ridiculous that she would write to him at all, knowing he would be home for dinner, but leaving it like this—for someone to find by chance—felt so outrageous that it suddenly gave him a strong sense of insecurity, an absurd and bizarre feeling as if the house had shifted a little beneath him. He tore the envelope open, glanced at the letter, and sat down in a nearby chair.

He held the paper before his eyes and looked at half a dozen lines scrawled on the page, while he was stunned by a noise meaningless and violent, like the clash of gongs or the beating of drums; a great aimless uproar that, in a manner, prevented him from hearing himself think and made his mind an absolute blank. This absurd and distracting tumult seemed to ooze out of the written words, to issue from between his very fingers that trembled, holding the paper. And suddenly he dropped the letter as though it had been something hot, or venomous, or filthy; and rushing to the window with the unreflecting precipitation of a man anxious to raise an alarm of fire or murder, he threw it up and put his head out.

He held the paper up to his eyes and stared at a few lines scrawled on the page, while he was overwhelmed by a loud and chaotic noise, like the clash of gongs or the beat of drums; a huge, aimless racket that somehow made it impossible for him to think and left his mind completely blank. This ridiculous and distracting commotion seemed to seep out of the written words, coming from between his trembling fingers that clutched the paper. Suddenly, he dropped the letter as if it were something hot, poisonous, or disgusting; and rushing to the window with the impulsiveness of someone desperate to raise an alarm for a fire or a murder, he threw it open and stuck his head out.

A chill gust of wind, wandering through the damp and sooty obscurity over the waste of roofs and chimney-pots, touched his face with a clammy flick. He saw an illimitable darkness, in which stood a black jumble of walls, and, between them, the many rows of gaslights stretched far away in long lines, like strung-up beads of fire. A sinister loom as of a hidden conflagration lit up faintly from below the mist, falling upon a billowy and motionless sea of tiles and bricks. At the rattle of the opened window the world seemed to leap out of the night and confront him, while floating up to his ears there came a sound vast and faint; the deep mutter of something immense and alive. It penetrated him with a feeling of dismay and he gasped silently. From the cab-stand in the square came distinct hoarse voices and a jeering laugh which sounded ominously harsh and cruel. It sounded threatening. He drew his head in, as if before an aimed blow, and flung the window down quickly. He made a few steps, stumbled against a chair, and with a great effort, pulled himself together to lay hold of a certain thought that was whizzing about loose in his head.

A cold gust of wind, drifting through the damp and smoky darkness over the sea of rooftops and chimney pots, brushed against his face with a damp touch. He saw an endless night, filled with a chaotic mass of walls, and between them, rows of gaslights stretched far away in long lines, like beads of fire strung together. A menacing glow, like a hidden fire, faintly illuminated the mist from below, casting light on a calm and still sea of tiles and bricks. As the window rattled open, the world seemed to leap out of the night and confront him, while a vast, faint sound floated up to his ears; the low murmur of something huge and alive. It filled him with a sense of dread, and he gasped silently. From the cab stand in the square came loud, rough voices and a mocking laugh that sounded ominously harsh and cruel. It felt threatening. He pulled his head back, as if bracing for a strike, and quickly slammed the window shut. He took a few steps, stumbled against a chair, and with great effort, gathered himself to grasp a particular thought that was racing around in his mind.

He got it at last, after more exertion than he expected; he was flushed and puffed a little as though he had been catching it with his hands, but his mental hold on it was weak, so weak that he judged it necessary to repeat it aloud—to hear it spoken firmly—in order to insure a perfect measure of possession. But he was unwilling to hear his own voice—to hear any sound whatever—owing to a vague belief, shaping itself slowly within him, that solitude and silence are the greatest felicities of mankind. The next moment it dawned upon him that they are perfectly unattainable—that faces must be seen, words spoken, thoughts heard. All the words—all the thoughts!

He finally got it, after more effort than he anticipated; he was flushed and slightly out of breath, as if he had been catching it with his hands, but his grasp on it was weak—so weak that he felt he needed to say it out loud—to hear it said firmly—to make sure he truly possessed it. However, he was reluctant to hear his own voice—or any sound at all—because of a growing feeling within him that solitude and silence are the greatest joys of life. Then it struck him that they are completely out of reach—that faces have to be seen, words have to be spoken, thoughts have to be shared. All the words—all the thoughts!

He said very distinctly, and looking at the carpet, “She’s gone.”

He said clearly, while staring at the carpet, “She’s gone.”

It was terrible—not the fact but the words; the words charged with the shadowy might of a meaning, that seemed to possess the tremendous power to call Fate down upon the earth, like those strange and appalling words that sometimes are heard in sleep. They vibrated round him in a metallic atmosphere, in a space that had the hardness of iron and the resonance of a bell of bronze. Looking down between the toes of his boots he seemed to listen thoughtfully to the receding wave of sound; to the wave spreading out in a widening circle, embracing streets, roofs, church-steeples, fields—and travelling away, widening endlessly, far, very far, where he could not hear—where he could not imagine anything—where . . .

It was awful—not just the event, but the words; the words filled with a dark power of meaning that seemed to have the extraordinary ability to summon Fate down to earth, like those strange and frightening words sometimes heard in dreams. They resonated around him in a metallic space, one that felt as hard as iron and echoed like a bronze bell. Looking down between the toes of his boots, he seemed to listen carefully to the fading sound; to the wave spreading outward in a growing circle, encompassing streets, rooftops, church steeples, fields—and moving away, expanding endlessly, far, very far, where he could no longer hear—where he could not imagine anything—where . . .

“And—with that . . . ass,” he said again without stirring in the least. And there was nothing but humiliation. Nothing else. He could derive no moral solace from any aspect of the situation, which radiated pain only on every side. Pain. What kind of pain? It occurred to him that he ought to be heart-broken; but in an exceedingly short moment he perceived that his suffering was nothing of so trifling and dignified a kind. It was altogether a more serious matter, and partook rather of the nature of those subtle and cruel feelings which are awakened by a kick or a horse-whipping.

“And—with that . . . jerk,” he said again without moving at all. And there was nothing but embarrassment. Nothing else. He couldn't find any moral comfort in any part of the situation, which only radiated pain from every direction. Pain. What kind of pain? It struck him that he should be heartbroken; but in just a moment, he realized that his suffering was nothing so trivial or dignified. It was something much more serious, akin to those subtle and harsh feelings that come from a kick or a whipping.

He felt very sick—physically sick—as though he had bitten through something nauseous. Life, that to a well-ordered mind should be a matter of congratulation, appeared to him, for a second or so, perfectly intolerable. He picked up the paper at his feet, and sat down with the wish to think it out, to understand why his wife—his wife!—should leave him, should throw away respect, comfort, peace, decency, position throw away everything for nothing! He set himself to think out the hidden logic of her action—a mental undertaking fit for the leisure hours of a madhouse, though he couldn’t see it. And he thought of his wife in every relation except the only fundamental one. He thought of her as a well-bred girl, as a wife, as a cultured person, as the mistress of a house, as a lady; but he never for a moment thought of her simply as a woman.

He felt really sick—physically sick—like he had just eaten something disgusting. Life, which should be a reason for celebration for someone with a clear mind, seemed, for a brief moment, completely unbearable to him. He picked up the paper at his feet and sat down, wanting to figure things out, to understand why his wife—his wife!—would leave him, throw away respect, comfort, peace, decency, status—throw away everything for nothing! He set out to decipher the hidden logic behind her actions—a mental task better suited for the idle hours of a lunatic asylum, though he couldn’t see it. And he thought of his wife in every way except the most basic one. He considered her as a well-bred girl, as a wife, as a cultured person, as the mistress of a house, as a lady; but he never for a moment saw her simply as a woman.

Then a fresh wave, a raging wave of humiliation, swept through his mind, and left nothing there but a personal sense of undeserved abasement. Why should he be mixed up with such a horrid exposure! It annihilated all the advantages of his well-ordered past, by a truth effective and unjust like a calumny—and the past was wasted. Its failure was disclosed—a distinct failure, on his part, to see, to guard, to understand. It could not be denied; it could not be explained away, hustled out of sight. He could not sit on it and look solemn. Now—if she had only died!

Then a new wave, a powerful wave of humiliation, crashed over him, leaving only a personal feeling of unearned disgrace. Why should he be caught up in such a terrible situation? It wiped out all the benefits of his carefully organized past, revealing a truth that was both effective and unfair, like slander—and the past felt wasted. Its failure was apparent—a clear failure on his part to see, to protect, to understand. It couldn't be denied; it couldn't be brushed aside or ignored. He couldn't just sit with it and look serious. Now—if only she had died!

If she had only died! He was driven to envy such a respectable bereavement, and one so perfectly free from any taint of misfortune that even his best friend or his best enemy would not have felt the slightest thrill of exultation. No one would have cared. He sought comfort in clinging to the contemplation of the only fact of life that the resolute efforts of mankind had never failed to disguise in the clatter and glamour of phrases. And nothing lends itself more to lies than death. If she had only died! Certain words would have been said to him in a sad tone, and he, with proper fortitude, would have made appropriate answers. There were precedents for such an occasion. And no one would have cared. If she had only died! The promises, the terrors, the hopes of eternity, are the concern of the corrupt dead; but the obvious sweetness of life belongs to living, healthy men. And life was his concern: that sane and gratifying existence untroubled by too much love or by too much regret. She had interfered with it; she had defaced it. And suddenly it occurred to him he must have been mad to marry. It was too much in the nature of giving yourself away, of wearing—if for a moment—your heart on your sleeve. But every one married. Was all mankind mad!

If only she had died! He was driven to envy such a respectable loss, one completely free from any hint of misfortune, so much so that neither his closest friend nor his greatest enemy would have felt the slightest thrill of triumph. No one would have cared. He found solace in reflecting on the one truth of life that human effort has never managed to cover up with noise and glamour. And nothing is more prone to deception than death. If only she had died! Certain words would have been uttered to him in a sorrowful tone, and he, with the right strength, would have given suitable responses. There were examples for such a situation. And no one would have cared. If only she had died! The promises, fears, and hopes of eternity belong to the corrupted dead; but the undeniable joy of life belongs to living, healthy people. And life was his focus: that rational and satisfying existence free from excessive love or regret. She had disrupted it; she had tarnished it. And suddenly it hit him that he must have been insane to marry. It was too much like giving yourself away, like wearing—if only for a moment—your heart on your sleeve. But everyone got married. Was all humanity mad?

In the shock of that startling thought he looked up, and saw to the left, to the right, in front, men sitting far off in chairs and looking at him with wild eyes—emissaries of a distracted mankind intruding to spy upon his pain and his humiliation. It was not to be borne. He rose quickly, and the others jumped up, too, on all sides. He stood still in the middle of the room as if discouraged by their vigilance. No escape! He felt something akin to despair. Everybody must know. The servants must know to-night. He ground his teeth . . . And he had never noticed, never guessed anything. Every one will know. He thought: “The woman’s a monster, but everybody will think me a fool”; and standing still in the midst of severe walnut-wood furniture, he felt such a tempest of anguish within him that he seemed to see himself rolling on the carpet, beating his head against the wall. He was disgusted with himself, with the loathsome rush of emotion breaking through all the reserves that guarded his manhood. Something unknown, withering and poisonous, had entered his life, passed near him, touched him, and he was deteriorating. He was appalled. What was it? She was gone. Why? His head was ready to burst with the endeavour to understand her act and his subtle horror of it. Everything was changed. Why? Only a woman gone, after all; and yet he had a vision, a vision quick and distinct as a dream: the vision of everything he had thought indestructible and safe in the world crashing down about him, like solid walls do before the fierce breath of a hurricane. He stared, shaking in every limb, while he felt the destructive breath, the mysterious breath, the breath of passion, stir the profound peace of the house. He looked round in fear. Yes. Crime may be forgiven; uncalculating sacrifice, blind trust, burning faith, other follies, may be turned to account; suffering, death itself, may with a grin or a frown be explained away; but passion is the unpardonable and secret infamy of our hearts, a thing to curse, to hide and to deny; a shameless and forlorn thing that tramples upon the smiling promises, that tears off the placid mask, that strips the body of life. And it had come to him! It had laid its unclean hand upon the spotless draperies of his existence, and he had to face it alone with all the world looking on. All the world! And he thought that even the bare suspicion of such an adversary within his house carried with it a taint and a condemnation. He put both his hands out as if to ward off the reproach of a defiling truth; and, instantly, the appalled conclave of unreal men, standing about mutely beyond the clear lustre of mirrors, made at him the same gesture of rejection and horror.

In the shock of that startling thought, he looked up and saw, to the left, to the right, and in front of him, men sitting far away in chairs, staring at him with wild eyes—messengers of a distracted humanity intruding to watch his pain and humiliation. It was unbearable. He quickly got up, and the others jumped up too, all around him. He stood still in the center of the room, feeling discouraged by their watchful presence. No escape! He felt something like despair. Everyone must know. The servants must know tonight. He ground his teeth... And he had never noticed, never guessed anything. Everyone would know. He thought, “The woman’s a monster, but everyone will think I’m a fool”; and standing there among the heavy walnut furniture, he felt such a storm of anguish inside him that he imagined himself rolling on the carpet, hitting his head against the wall. He was disgusted with himself, with the disgusting rush of emotions breaking through all the walls that protected his manhood. Something unknown, withering, and toxic had entered his life, passed near him, touched him, and he was falling apart. He was horrified. What was it? She was gone. Why? His head was about to explode from trying to understand her actions and his creeping horror of them. Everything had changed. Why? Just a woman gone, after all; yet he had a vision, quick and clear as a dream: a vision of everything he had thought was indestructible and safe in the world collapsing around him, like solid walls falling before a fierce wind. He stared, shaking in every limb, as he felt the destructive force, the mysterious force, the breath of passion, stir the deep calm of the house. He looked around in fear. Yes. Crime can be forgiven; reckless sacrifice, blind trust, burning faith, and other mistakes can be accounted for; suffering, even death, can be explained away with a grin or a frown; but passion is the unforgivable and hidden shame of our hearts, a thing to curse, hide, and deny; a shameless and hopeless thing that tramples on bright promises, that tears off the calm mask, that strips life away. And it had come to him! It had laid its filthy hand upon the pure fabric of his existence, and he had to face it alone, with the whole world watching. The whole world! And he thought that even the bare suspicion of such an enemy within his home carried a mark and a condemnation. He stretched out both hands as if to fend off the accusation of a tainting truth; and instantly, the horrified gathering of unreal men, standing silently beyond the clear shine of the mirrors, made the same gesture of rejection and horror at him.

He glanced vainly here and there, like a man looking in desperation for a weapon or for a hiding place, and understood at last that he was disarmed and cornered by the enemy that, without any squeamishness, would strike so as to lay open his heart. He could get help nowhere, or even take counsel with himself, because in the sudden shock of her desertion the sentiments which he knew that in fidelity to his bringing up, to his prejudices and his surroundings, he ought to experience, were so mixed up with the novelty of real feelings, of fundamental feelings that know nothing of creed, class, or education, that he was unable to distinguish clearly between what is and what ought to be; between the inexcusable truth and the valid pretences. And he knew instinctively that truth would be of no use to him. Some kind of concealment seemed a necessity because one cannot explain. Of course not! Who would listen? One had simply to be without stain and without reproach to keep one’s place in the forefront of life.

He looked around helplessly, like someone desperately searching for a weapon or a place to hide, and finally realized that he was unarmed and trapped by an enemy that would strike without hesitation to expose his heart. He couldn’t find help anywhere, or even consult his own thoughts, because in the sudden shock of her leaving, the feelings he knew he should have—loyalty to his upbringing, his biases, and his environment—were so tangled with the newness of real emotions, deep feelings that didn’t care about beliefs, social class, or education, that he couldn’t clearly separate what was real from what should be; the undeniable truth from the acceptable lies. And he instinctively knew that the truth wouldn’t help him. It felt like he needed to hide something because it’s impossible to explain. Of course not! Who would listen? One simply had to be spotless and above reproach to maintain their position at the forefront of life.

He said to himself, “I must get over it the best I can,” and began to walk up and down the room. What next? What ought to be done? He thought: “I will travel—no I won’t. I shall face it out.” And after that resolve he was greatly cheered by the reflection that it would be a mute and an easy part to play, for no one would be likely to converse with him about the abominable conduct of—that woman. He argued to himself that decent people—and he knew no others—did not care to talk about such indelicate affairs. She had gone off—with that unhealthy, fat ass of a journalist. Why? He had been all a husband ought to be. He had given her a good position—she shared his prospects—he had treated her invariably with great consideration. He reviewed his conduct with a kind of dismal pride. It had been irreproachable. Then, why? For love? Profanation! There could be no love there. A shameful impulse of passion. Yes, passion. His own wife! Good God! . . . And the indelicate aspect of his domestic misfortune struck him with such shame that, next moment, he caught himself in the act of pondering absurdly over the notion whether it would not be more dignified for him to induce a general belief that he had been in the habit of beating his wife. Some fellows do . . . and anything would be better than the filthy fact; for it was clear he had lived with the root of it for five years—and it was too shameful. Anything! Anything! Brutality . . . But he gave it up directly, and began to think of the Divorce Court. It did not present itself to him, notwithstanding his respect for law and usage, as a proper refuge for dignified grief. It appeared rather as an unclean and sinister cavern where men and women are haled by adverse fate to writhe ridiculously in the presence of uncompromising truth. It should not be allowed. That woman! Five . . . years . . . married five years . . . and never to see anything. Not to the very last day . . . not till she coolly went off. And he pictured to himself all the people he knew engaged in speculating as to whether all that time he had been blind, foolish, or infatuated. What a woman! Blind! . . . Not at all. Could a clean-minded man imagine such depravity? Evidently not. He drew a free breath. That was the attitude to take; it was dignified enough; it gave him the advantage, and he could not help perceiving that it was moral. He yearned unaffectedly to see morality (in his person) triumphant before the world. As to her she would be forgotten. Let her be forgotten—buried in oblivion—lost! No one would allude . . . Refined people—and every man and woman he knew could be so described—had, of course, a horror of such topics. Had they? Oh, yes. No one would allude to her . . . in his hearing. He stamped his foot, tore the letter across, then again and again. The thought of sympathizing friends excited in him a fury of mistrust. He flung down the small bits of paper. They settled, fluttering at his feet, and looked very white on the dark carpet, like a scattered handful of snow-flakes.

He said to himself, “I have to get through this the best I can,” and started pacing the room. What should he do next? He thought, “I’ll travel—no, I won’t. I’ll face it.” After that decision, he felt a bit better knowing that it would be simple and quiet, since no one would likely want to discuss the awful behavior of—that woman. He reasoned that decent people—and he only knew decent people—didn’t talk about such sensitive matters. She had run off with that sleazy, overweight journalist. Why? He had been everything a husband should be. He had provided her a good life—she shared in his future—he had always treated her with great respect. He looked back on his behavior with a kind of gloomy pride. It had been beyond reproach. So why? For love? Ridiculous! There couldn’t be any love involved. Just a shameful bout of passion. Yes, passion. His own wife! Good God! And the embarrassing reality of his home situation filled him with such shame that he suddenly found himself absurdly wondering if it would be more dignified to create the impression that he had been beating his wife. Some guys do... and anything would be better than the disgusting truth; after all, he had lived with that reality for five years—and that was just too humiliating. Anything! Anything! Brutality... But he dropped that thought quickly and started considering the Divorce Court. It didn’t seem, despite his respect for laws and customs, like a suitable place for dignified sorrow. It felt more like a dirty, sinister pit where people are dragged by fate to wriggle in the presence of harsh reality. It shouldn’t be allowed. That woman! Five... years... married for five years... and never truly seeing anything. Not until the very last day... not until she casually walked away. And he imagined all the people he knew speculating whether he had been blind, foolish, or infatuated all that time. What a woman! Blind!... Not at all. Could any decent man picture such wickedness? Obviously not. He took a deep breath. That was the right perspective; it was dignified enough; it gave him the upper hand, and he couldn’t help but see that it was moral. He genuinely wanted to show morality (through himself) standing strong before the world. As for her, she would be forgotten. Let her be forgotten—buried in obscurity—lost! No one would mention... Refined people—and every man and woman he knew could be described that way—of course, had a distaste for such matters. Did they? Oh, yes. No one would mention her... in his presence. He stomped his foot, ripped the letter in half, then again and again. The idea of sympathetic friends stirred up a rage of distrust within him. He threw the tiny pieces of paper down. They settled, fluttering at his feet, looking strikingly white against the dark carpet, like a handful of scattered snowflakes.

This fit of hot anger was succeeded by a sudden sadness, by the darkening passage of a thought that ran over the scorched surface of his heart, like upon a barren plain, and after a fiercer assault of sunrays, the melancholy and cooling shadow of a cloud. He realized that he had had a shock—not a violent or rending blow, that can be seen, resisted, returned, forgotten, but a thrust, insidious and penetrating, that had stirred all those feelings, concealed and cruel, which the arts of the devil, the fears of mankind—God’s infinite compassion, perhaps—keep chained deep down in the inscrutable twilight of our breasts. A dark curtain seemed to rise before him, and for less than a second he looked upon the mysterious universe of moral suffering. As a landscape is seen complete, and vast, and vivid, under a flash of lightning, so he could see disclosed in a moment all the immensity of pain that can be contained in one short moment of human thought. Then the curtain fell again, but his rapid vision left in Alvan Hervey’s mind a trail of invincible sadness, a sense of loss and bitter solitude, as though he had been robbed and exiled. For a moment he ceased to be a member of society with a position, a career, and a name attached to all this, like a descriptive label of some complicated compound. He was a simple human being removed from the delightful world of crescents and squares. He stood alone, naked and afraid, like the first man on the first day of evil. There are in life events, contacts, glimpses, that seem brutally to bring all the past to a close. There is a shock and a crash, as of a gate flung to behind one by the perfidious hand of fate. Go and seek another paradise, fool or sage. There is a moment of dumb dismay, and the wanderings must begin again; the painful explaining away of facts, the feverish raking up of illusions, the cultivation of a fresh crop of lies in the sweat of one’s brow, to sustain life, to make it supportable, to make it fair, so as to hand intact to another generation of blind wanderers the charming legend of a heartless country, of a promised land, all flowers and blessings . . .

This rush of anger was quickly followed by a sudden sadness, like a dark thought sweeping over the scorched surface of his heart, similar to a barren plain, and after a fierce onslaught of sunlight, the cooling shadow of a cloud. He recognized that he had experienced a shock—not a violent or striking blow that could be seen, fought against, or forgotten, but a subtle, penetrating stab that had stirred all those hidden, painful emotions that the devil’s tricks, human fears—perhaps God’s endless compassion—keep locked away deep in the mysterious depths of our hearts. A dark curtain seemed to rise in front of him, and for less than a second, he glimpsed the enigmatic universe of moral suffering. Just like a landscape revealed in its entirety, vast and vibrant, during a flash of lightning, he suddenly saw all the immense pain that can fit into a brief moment of human thought. Then the curtain dropped again, but his fleeting vision left Alvan Hervey with an unshakable sadness, a sense of loss and bitter loneliness, as if he had been robbed and cast away. For a moment, he no longer felt like a part of society with a position, a career, and a name attached to him, like a label on some complex mixture. He felt like a simple human being distanced from the wonderful world of crescents and squares. He stood alone, exposed and terrified, like the first man on the first day of wrongdoing. In life, there are events, encounters, glimpses that seem to violently bring the past to an end. There’s a jolt and a crash, like a gate being slammed shut behind you by the treacherous hand of fate. Go and look for another paradise, whether you’re a fool or a wise person. There’s a moment of stunned confusion, and the wandering must start again; the painful denial of facts, the frantic digging up of illusions, the cultivation of a new crop of lies through hard work, to keep life going, to make it bearable, to make it seem fair, so that it can be passed down untouched to another generation of blind wanderers—the beautiful myth of a heartless land, a promised place, all flowers and blessings...

He came to himself with a slight start, and became aware of an oppressive, crushing desolation. It was only a feeling, it is true, but it produced on him a physical effect, as though his chest had been squeezed in a vice. He perceived himself so extremely forlorn and lamentable, and was moved so deeply by the oppressive sorrow, that another turn of the screw, he felt, would bring tears out of his eyes. He was deteriorating. Five years of life in common had appeased his longing. Yes, long-time ago. The first five months did that—but . . . There was the habit—the habit of her person, of her smile, of her gestures, of her voice, of her silence. She had a pure brow and good hair. How utterly wretched all this was. Good hair and fine eyes—remarkably fine. He was surprised by the number of details that intruded upon his unwilling memory. He could not help remembering her footsteps, the rustle of her dress, her way of holding her head, her decisive manner of saying “Alvan,” the quiver of her nostrils when she was annoyed. All that had been so much his property, so intimately and specially his! He raged in a mournful, silent way, as he took stock of his losses. He was like a man counting the cost of an unlucky speculation—irritated, depressed—exasperated with himself and with others, with the fortunate, with the indifferent, with the callous; yet the wrong done him appeared so cruel that he would perhaps have dropped a tear over that spoliation if it had not been for his conviction that men do not weep. Foreigners do; they also kill sometimes in such circumstances. And to his horror he felt himself driven to regret almost that the usages of a society ready to forgive the shooting of a burglar forbade him, under the circumstances, even as much as a thought of murder. Nevertheless, he clenched his fists and set his teeth hard. And he was afraid at the same time. He was afraid with that penetrating faltering fear that seems, in the very middle of a beat, to turn one’s heart into a handful of dust. The contamination of her crime spread out, tainted the universe, tainted himself; woke up all the dormant infamies of the world; caused a ghastly kind of clairvoyance in which he could see the towns and fields of the earth, its sacred places, its temples and its houses, peopled by monsters—by monsters of duplicity, lust, and murder. She was a monster—he himself was thinking monstrous thoughts . . . and yet he was like other people. How many men and women at this very moment were plunged in abominations—meditated crimes. It was frightful to think of. He remembered all the streets—the well-to-do streets he had passed on his way home; all the innumerable houses with closed doors and curtained windows. Each seemed now an abode of anguish and folly. And his thought, as if appalled, stood still, recalling with dismay the decorous and frightful silence that was like a conspiracy; the grim, impenetrable silence of miles of walls concealing passions, misery, thoughts of crime. Surely he was not the only man; his was not the only house . . . and yet no one knew—no one guessed. But he knew. He knew with unerring certitude that could not be deceived by the correct silence of walls, of closed doors, of curtained windows. He was beside himself with a despairing agitation, like a man informed of a deadly secret—the secret of a calamity threatening the safety of mankind—the sacredness, the peace of life.

He suddenly became aware of a heavy, crushing sense of desolation. It was just a feeling, but it felt physical, as if his chest were being squeezed in a vise. He saw himself as extremely lonely and miserable, and the weight of his sorrow was so deep that he felt he might cry if he pushed himself any further. He was deteriorating. Five years of shared life had dulled his longing. Yes, that was a long time ago. The first five months did that—but then there was the habit—the habit of her presence, her smile, her gestures, her voice, her silences. She had a beautiful forehead and nice hair. How utterly wretched all this was. Nice hair and beautiful eyes—remarkably beautiful. He was shocked by the number of details that forced their way into his unwilling memory. He couldn't help but recall her footsteps, the rustle of her dress, the way she held her head, her emphatic way of saying “Alvan,” the twitch of her nostrils when she was annoyed. All of that had been so much a part of him, so closely and uniquely his! He felt a mournful, silent rage as he cataloged his losses. He was like a man tallying the damages of a bad investment—irritated, depressed—frustrated with himself and others, with the lucky, with the indifferent, with the callous; yet the wrong done to him felt so ruthless that he might have shed a tear over that loss if not for his belief that men don’t cry. Foreigners do; they even kill sometimes in such situations. And, horrifyingly, he found himself almost regretting that the norms of a society that readily forgives shooting a burglar prevented him from even thinking about murder under the circumstances. Still, he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. And he was scared at the same time. He felt that penetrating, hesitant fear that seems to turn your heart into a handful of dust right in the middle of a beat. The stain of her crime spread out, tainted everything, tainted him; awakened all the hidden evils of the world; created a terrifying kind of insight where he imagined the towns and fields of the earth, its sacred places, its temples and houses, filled with monsters—by monsters of betrayal, lust, and murder. She was a monster—he too was having monstrous thoughts . . . and yet he was like everyone else. How many men and women at that very moment were engaged in vile acts—planning crimes. It was horrifying to consider. He recalled all the streets—the affluent streets he had passed on his way home; all the countless houses with shut doors and curtained windows. Each now seemed like a place of anguish and madness. His thoughts, as if shocked, came to a stop, recalling with dread the proper and horrifying silence that felt like a conspiracy; the grim, impenetrable silence of miles of walls hiding desires, misery, and thoughts of crime. Surely he wasn't the only one; his wasn’t the only house . . . and yet no one knew—no one suspected. But he knew. He knew with an absolute certainty that could not be fooled by the formal silence of walls, closed doors, or curtained windows. He was beside himself with despairing anxiety, like someone who had been told a deadly secret—the secret of a disaster threatening the safety of humanity—the sanctity, the peace of life.

He caught sight of himself in one of the looking-glasses. It was a relief. The anguish of his feeling had been so powerful that he more than half expected to see some distorted wild face there, and he was pleasantly surprised to see nothing of the kind. His aspect, at any rate, would let no one into the secret of his pain. He examined himself with attention. His trousers were turned up, and his boots a little muddy, but he looked very much as usual. Only his hair was slightly ruffled, and that disorder, somehow, was so suggestive of trouble that he went quickly to the table, and began to use the brushes, in an anxious desire to obliterate the compromising trace, that only vestige of his emotion. He brushed with care, watching the effect of his smoothing; and another face, slightly pale and more tense than was perhaps desirable, peered back at him from the toilet glass. He laid the brushes down, and was not satisfied. He took them up again and brushed, brushed mechanically—forgot himself in that occupation. The tumult of his thoughts ended in a sluggish flow of reflection, such as, after the outburst of a volcano, the almost imperceptible progress of a stream of lava, creeping languidly over a convulsed land and pitilessly obliterating any landmark left by the shock of the earthquake. It is a destructive but, by comparison, it is a peaceful phenomenon. Alvan Hervey was almost soothed by the deliberate pace of his thoughts. His moral landmarks were going one by one, consumed in the fire of his experience, buried in hot mud, in ashes. He was cooling—on the surface; but there was enough heat left somewhere to make him slap the brushes on the table, and turning away, say in a fierce whisper: “I wish him joy . . . Damn the woman.”

He caught a glimpse of himself in one of the mirrors. It was a relief. The intensity of his feelings had been so strong that he half expected to see some crazy, distorted face, and he was pleasantly surprised not to see that. His appearance, at least, wouldn’t reveal the secret of his pain. He examined himself closely. His pants were rolled up, and his boots were a bit muddy, but he looked pretty much the same as usual. Only his hair was a little messy, and that disarray suggested trouble, so he hurried to the table and started using the brushes, anxious to erase that telltale sign, the only remnant of his emotion. He brushed carefully, observing the results of his efforts; another face, slightly pale and more tense than was probably ideal, looked back at him from the mirror. He put the brushes down but wasn’t satisfied. He picked them up again and brushed, brushed mechanically—losing himself in the task. The chaos of his thoughts settled into a slow stream of reflection, like the gradual flow of lava after a volcanic eruption, moving lazily over a shaken land and mercilessly wiping away any trace left by the earthquake's shock. It was destructive but, in comparison, a peaceful phenomenon. Alvan Hervey felt almost calmed by the steady pace of his thoughts. His moral compass was disappearing one by one, consumed by his experiences, buried in hot mud and ashes. He was cooling—on the surface; but there was enough heat left inside to make him slap the brushes on the table, and turning away, he muttered fiercely, “I wish him joy… Damn the woman.”

He felt himself utterly corrupted by her wickedness, and the most significant symptom of his moral downfall was the bitter, acrid satisfaction with which he recognized it. He, deliberately, swore in his thoughts; he meditated sneers; he shaped in profound silence words of cynical unbelief, and his most cherished convictions stood revealed finally as the narrow prejudices of fools. A crowd of shapeless, unclean thoughts crossed his mind in a stealthy rush, like a band of veiled malefactors hastening to a crime. He put his hands deep into his pockets. He heard a faint ringing somewhere, and muttered to himself: “I am not the only one . . . not the only one.” There was another ring. Front door!

He felt completely tainted by her evil, and the clearest sign of his moral decline was the bitter, sharp satisfaction he felt in recognizing it. He consciously cursed in his mind; he plotted insults; he silently crafted words of cynical disbelief, and his once cherished beliefs were finally exposed as the narrow-minded views of fools. A wave of messy, dirty thoughts rushed through his mind stealthily, like a group of masked criminals rushing to commit a crime. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He heard a faint ringing in the distance and muttered to himself, “I’m not the only one... not the only one.” There was another ring. Front door!

His heart leaped up into his throat, and forthwith descended as low as his boots. A call! Who? Why? He wanted to rush out on the landing and shout to the servant: “Not at home! Gone away abroad!” . . . Any excuse. He could not face a visitor. Not this evening. No. To-morrow. . . . Before he could break out of the numbness that enveloped him like a sheet of lead, he heard far below, as if in the entrails of the earth, a door close heavily. The house vibrated to it more than to a clap of thunder. He stood still, wishing himself invisible. The room was very chilly. He did not think he would ever feel like that. But people must be met—they must be faced—talked to—smiled at. He heard another door, much nearer—the door of the drawing-room—being opened and flung to again. He imagined for a moment he would faint. How absurd! That kind of thing had to be gone through. A voice spoke. He could not catch the words. Then the voice spoke again, and footsteps were heard on the first floor landing. Hang it all! Was he to hear that voice and those footsteps whenever any one spoke or moved? He thought: “This is like being haunted—I suppose it will last for a week or so, at least. Till I forget. Forget! Forget!” Someone was coming up the second flight of stairs. Servant? He listened, then, suddenly, as though an incredible, frightful revelation had been shouted to him from a distance, he bellowed out in the empty room: “What! What!” in such a fiendish tone as to astonish himself. The footsteps stopped outside the door. He stood openmouthed, maddened and still, as if in the midst of a catastrophe. The door-handle rattled lightly. It seemed to him that the walls were coming apart, that the furniture swayed at him; the ceiling slanted queerly for a moment, a tall wardrobe tried to topple over. He caught hold of something and it was the back of a chair. So he had reeled against a chair! Oh! Confound it! He gripped hard.

His heart raced up into his throat and then sank down as low as his boots. A call! Who? Why? He wanted to rush out onto the landing and yell to the servant: “Not home! Gone abroad!” . . . Any excuse. He couldn’t face a visitor. Not tonight. No. Tomorrow. . . . Before he could shake off the numbness that weighed him down, he heard a door close heavily far below, as if from deep in the earth. The house shook more from it than from a clap of thunder. He stood frozen, wishing he could disappear. The room felt freezing. He didn’t think he would ever feel quite like this again. But people had to be met—they had to be faced—talked to—smiled at. He heard another door, much closer—the drawing-room door—open and slam shut. For a moment, he thought he might faint. How ridiculous! He had to get through this. A voice spoke. He couldn’t make out the words. Then the voice spoke again, and he heard footsteps on the first-floor landing. Good grief! Was he going to hear that voice and those footsteps every time someone spoke or moved? He thought: “This feels like being haunted—I guess it’ll last a week or so, at least. Until I forget. Forget! Forget!” Someone was coming up the second flight of stairs. A servant? He listened, then suddenly, as if an incredible, terrifying realization had been shouted to him from afar, he shouted in the empty room: “What! What!” in such a fierce tone that it surprised even him. The footsteps paused outside the door. He stood there, mouth agape, frantic and still, as if caught in the middle of a disaster. The door handle rattled lightly. It felt like the walls were falling apart, that the furniture was swaying toward him; the ceiling tilted oddly for a moment, and a tall wardrobe seemed to be on the verge of toppling over. He grabbed onto something and realized it was the back of a chair. So that’s why he had stumbled against a chair! Oh! Damn it! He held on tightly.

The flaming butterfly poised between the jaws of the bronze dragon radiated a glare, a glare that seemed to leap up all at once into a crude, blinding fierceness, and made it difficult for him to distinguish plainly the figure of his wife standing upright with her back to the closed door. He looked at her and could not detect her breathing. The harsh and violent light was beating on her, and he was amazed to see her preserve so well the composure of her upright attitude in that scorching brilliance which, to his eyes, enveloped her like a hot and consuming mist. He would not have been surprised if she had vanished in it as suddenly as she had appeared. He stared and listened; listened for some sound, but the silence round him was absolute—as though he had in a moment grown completely deaf as well as dim-eyed. Then his hearing returned, preternaturally sharp. He heard the patter of a rain-shower on the window panes behind the lowered blinds, and below, far below, in the artificial abyss of the square, the deadened roll of wheels and the splashy trotting of a horse. He heard a groan also—very distinct—in the room—close to his ear.

The flaming butterfly hovered between the jaws of the bronze dragon, shining with a light that suddenly surged into a harsh, blinding intensity, making it hard for him to clearly see his wife standing upright with her back to the closed door. He looked

He thought with alarm: “I must have made that noise myself;” and at the same instant the woman left the door, stepped firmly across the floor before him, and sat down in a chair. He knew that step. There was no doubt about it. She had come back! And he very nearly said aloud “Of course!”—such was his sudden and masterful perception of the indestructible character of her being. Nothing could destroy her—and nothing but his own destruction could keep her away. She was the incarnation of all the short moments which every man spares out of his life for dreams, for precious dreams that concrete the most cherished, the most profitable of his illusions. He peered at her with inward trepidation. She was mysterious, significant, full of obscure meaning —like a symbol. He peered, bending forward, as though he had been discovering about her things he had never seen before. Unconsciously he made a step towards her—then another. He saw her arm make an ample, decided movement and he stopped. She had lifted her veil. It was like the lifting of a vizor.

He thought in shock, “I must have made that noise myself;" and at that moment, the woman left the door, confidently crossed the floor in front of him, and sat in a chair. He recognized that step. There was no doubt about it. She had come back! He nearly exclaimed, “Of course!”—such was his sudden and strong realization of the unbreakable nature of her existence. Nothing could destroy her—and only his own demise could keep her away. She represented all the fleeting moments every man reserves in his life for dreams, for those precious dreams that cement the most treasured, the most rewarding of his illusions. He looked at her with internal anxiety. She was enigmatic, important, full of hidden meaning—like a symbol. He leaned in, as if uncovering things about her he had never noticed before. Unconsciously, he took a step towards her—then another. He saw her arm make a generous, determined movement and he halted. She had lifted her veil. It was like lifting a visor.

The spell was broken. He experienced a shock as though he had been called out of a trance by the sudden noise of an explosion. It was even more startling and more distinct; it was an infinitely more intimate change, for he had the sensation of having come into this room only that very moment; of having returned from very far; he was made aware that some essential part of himself had in a flash returned into his body, returned finally from a fierce and lamentable region, from the dwelling-place of unveiled hearts. He woke up to an amazing infinity of contempt, to a droll bitterness of wonder, to a disenchanted conviction of safety. He had a glimpse of the irresistible force, and he saw also the barrenness of his convictions—of her convictions. It seemed to him that he could never make a mistake as long as he lived. It was morally impossible to go wrong. He was not elated by that certitude; he was dimly uneasy about its price; there was a chill as of death in this triumph of sound principles, in this victory snatched under the very shadow of disaster.

The spell was broken. He felt a shock as if he had been pulled out of a trance by the sudden noise of an explosion. It was even more surprising and more vivid; it was a much more personal change, as he felt like he had just stepped into this room at that very moment; as if he had returned from very far away; he realized that some essential part of himself had instantly come back into his body, finally returning from a harsh and sorrowful place, from the realm of exposed hearts. He woke up to a shocking infinity of disdain, to a weird bitterness of amazement, to a disenchanted sense of safety. He caught a glimpse of the unstoppable force, and he also saw the emptiness of his beliefs—of her beliefs. It seemed to him that he could never make a mistake as long as he lived. It was morally impossible to go wrong. He was not uplifted by that certainty; he felt a vague unease about its cost; there was a chill like death in this triumph of sound principles, in this victory snatched right from the jaws of disaster.

The last trace of his previous state of mind vanished, as the instantaneous and elusive trail of a bursting meteor vanishes on the profound blackness of the sky; it was the faint flicker of a painful thought, gone as soon as perceived, that nothing but her presence—after all—had the power to recall him to himself. He stared at her. She sat with her hands on her lap, looking down; and he noticed that her boots were dirty, her skirts wet and splashed, as though she had been driven back there by a blind fear through a waste of mud. He was indignant, amazed and shocked, but in a natural, healthy way now; so that he could control those unprofitable sentiments by the dictates of cautious self-restraint. The light in the room had no unusual brilliance now; it was a good light in which he could easily observe the expression of her face. It was that of dull fatigue. And the silence that surrounded them was the normal silence of any quiet house, hardly disturbed by the faint noises of a respectable quarter of the town. He was very cool—and it was quite coolly that he thought how much better it would be if neither of them ever spoke again. She sat with closed lips, with an air of lassitude in the stony forgetfulness of her pose, but after a moment she lifted her drooping eyelids and met his tense and inquisitive stare by a look that had all the formless eloquence of a cry. It penetrated, it stirred without informing; it was the very essence of anguish stripped of words that can be smiled at, argued away, shouted down, disdained. It was anguish naked and unashamed, the bare pain of existence let loose upon the world in the fleeting unreserve of a look that had in it an immensity of fatigue, the scornful sincerity, the black impudence of an extorted confession. Alvan Hervey was seized with wonder, as though he had seen something inconceivable; and some obscure part of his being was ready to exclaim with him: “I would never have believed it!” but an instantaneous revulsion of wounded susceptibilities checked the unfinished thought.

The last trace of his previous mindset disappeared, like the quick and fleeting path of a shooting star vanishes against the deep darkness of the sky; it was the faint flicker of a painful thought, gone as soon as he noticed, that only her presence—after all—had the power to bring him back to himself. He stared at her. She sat with her hands in her lap, looking down; and he noticed that her boots were dirty, her skirts wet and splattered, as if she had been forced back here by a blind fear through a stretch of mud. He felt indignant, amazed, and shocked, but now in a natural, healthy way; he could control those unhelpful feelings with cautious self-restraint. The light in the room was no longer unusually bright; it was a good light in which he could easily see the expression on her face. It showed dull fatigue. The silence around them was the typical quiet of any calm house, barely disturbed by the faint sounds from a respectable neighborhood. He felt composed—and he thought coolly how much better it would be if neither of them ever spoke again. She sat with closed lips, exuding an air of tiredness in her expressionless pose, but after a moment, she lifted her drooping eyelids and met his tense and questioning gaze with a look that held all the unspoken emotion of a cry. It pierced through, it stirred him without giving any explanation; it was pure anguish stripped of words that could be shrugged off, argued away, shouted down, or dismissed. It was raw and unashamed pain, the bare ache of existence unleashed upon the world in the fleeting honesty of a look that conveyed immense fatigue, scornful sincerity, and the bold defiance of a forced confession. Alvan Hervey was struck with awe, as if he had witnessed something unbelievable; and some obscure part of him was ready to exclaim: “I would never have believed it!” but a sudden revulsion of hurt feelings stopped the thought before it finished.

He felt full of rancorous indignation against the woman who could look like this at one. This look probed him; it tampered with him. It was dangerous to one as would be a hint of unbelief whispered by a priest in the august decorum of a temple; and at the same time it was impure, it was disturbing, like a cynical consolation muttered in the dark, tainting the sorrow, corroding the thought, poisoning the heart. He wanted to ask her furiously: “Who do you take me for? How dare you look at me like this?” He felt himself helpless before the hidden meaning of that look; he resented it with pained and futile violence as an injury so secret that it could never, never be redressed. His wish was to crush her by a single sentence. He was stainless. Opinion was on his side; morality, men and gods were on his side; law, conscience—all the world! She had nothing but that look. And he could only say:

He was filled with bitter anger toward the woman who could look at him this way. That look pried into him; it unsettled him. It was as dangerous as a priest casually suggesting doubt in the solemnity of a temple; at the same time, it felt tainted, disturbing, like a cynical comfort whispered in the dark, ruining his sorrow, corroding his thoughts, poisoning his heart. He wanted to shout at her, “Who do you think I am? How dare you look at me like that?” He felt powerless against the hidden meaning behind that look; he despised it with a painful and pointless rage, like a wound so deep it could never be healed. He wished he could crush her with just one sentence. He was blameless. Public opinion was on his side; morality, people, and gods were with him; law, conscience—everyone! She had nothing but that look. And all he could say was:

“How long do you intend to stay here?”

“How long are you planning to stay here?”

Her eyes did not waver, her lips remained closed; and for any effect of his words he might have spoken to a dead woman, only that this one breathed quickly. He was profoundly disappointed by what he had said. It was a great deception, something in the nature of treason. He had deceived himself. It should have been altogether different—other words—another sensation. And before his eyes, so fixed that at times they saw nothing, she sat apparently as unconscious as though she had been alone, sending that look of brazen confession straight at him—with an air of staring into empty space. He said significantly:

Her eyes stayed steady, her lips stayed shut; he could have been talking to a corpse, except this one was breathing quickly. He felt deeply let down by what he had said. It felt like a huge betrayal, a kind of self-deception. It should have been completely different—different words—another feeling. And in front of him, her gaze so unfocused that sometimes it seemed like she didn’t see anything, she sat seemingly unaware as if she were alone, sending him that bold look of confession—staring into nothingness. He said pointedly:

“Must I go then?” And he knew he meant nothing of what he implied.

“Do I have to go then?” And he knew he didn’t mean any of what he suggested.

One of her hands on her lap moved slightly as though his words had fallen there and she had thrown them off on the floor. But her silence encouraged him. Possibly it meant remorse—perhaps fear. Was she thunderstruck by his attitude? . . . Her eyelids dropped. He seemed to understand ever so much—everything! Very well—but she must be made to suffer. It was due to him. He understood everything, yet he judged it indispensable to say with an obvious affectation of civility:

One of her hands on her lap moved a bit, as if his words had landed there and she had brushed them off onto the floor. But her silence gave him encouragement. Maybe it was remorse—perhaps fear. Was she shocked by how he was acting? . . . Her eyelids lowered. He seemed to get so much—everything! That’s fine, but she had to be made to feel pain. He deserved that. He understood everything, yet he felt it necessary to say, with a clear show of politeness:

“I don’t understand—be so good as to . . .”

“I don’t understand—could you please . . .”

She stood up. For a second he believed she intended to go away, and it was as though someone had jerked a string attached to his heart. It hurt. He remained open-mouthed and silent. But she made an irresolute step towards him, and instinctively he moved aside. They stood before one another, and the fragments of the torn letter lay between them—at their feet—like an insurmountable obstacle, like a sign of eternal separation! Around them three other couples stood still and face to face, as if waiting for a signal to begin some action—a struggle, a dispute, or a dance.

She got up. For a moment, he thought she was going to leave, and it felt like someone had pulled a string attached to his heart. It hurt. He just stood there, mouth open and silent. But then she hesitated and took a step toward him, and he instinctively moved aside. They faced each other, and the pieces of the torn letter lay between them—at their feet—like an impossible barrier, like a sign of permanent separation! Around them, three other couples stood still and face to face, as if waiting for a signal to start some action—a struggle, a fight, or a dance.

She said: “Don’t—Alvan!” and there was something that resembled a warning in the pain of her tone. He narrowed his eyes as if trying to pierce her with his gaze. Her voice touched him. He had aspirations after magnanimity, generosity, superiority—interrupted, however, by flashes of indignation and anxiety—frightful anxiety to know how far she had gone. She looked down at the torn paper. Then she looked up, and their eyes met again, remained fastened together, like an unbreakable bond, like a clasp of eternal complicity; and the decorous silence, the pervading quietude of the house which enveloped this meeting of their glances became for a moment inexpressibly vile, for he was afraid she would say too much and make magnanimity impossible, while behind the profound mournfulness of her face there was a regret—a regret of things done—the regret of delay—the thought that if she had only turned back a week sooner—a day sooner—only an hour sooner. . . . They were afraid to hear again the sound of their voices; they did not know what they might say—perhaps something that could not be recalled; and words are more terrible than facts. But the tricky fatality that lurks in obscure impulses spoke through Alvan Hervey’s lips suddenly; and he heard his own voice with the excited and sceptical curiosity with which one listens to actors’ voices speaking on the stage in the strain of a poignant situation.

She said, “Don’t—Alvan!” and there was something in her voice that felt like a warning because of the pain behind it. He narrowed his eyes as if trying to look right through her. Her voice resonated with him. He had dreams of being noble, generous, and superior—yet those thoughts were interrupted by sudden flashes of anger and dread—terrifying anxiety to know how far she had gone. She looked down at the torn paper. Then she looked up, and their eyes locked again, bound together like an unbreakable connection, like an eternal secret; and the proper silence, the quiet atmosphere of the house surrounding their gaze, felt for a moment unbearably heavy, as he feared she might say too much and ruin any chance of being noble, while behind the deep sadness on her face, there was a regret—a regret for things done—the regret of delay—the thought that if only she had turned back a week earlier— a day earlier—just an hour earlier... They were hesitant to hear their own voices again; they didn’t know what they might say—maybe something they couldn’t take back; and words can be more powerful than facts. But the strange fate hiding in random impulses burst through Alvan Hervey’s lips suddenly; and he heard his own voice with the anxious and doubtful curiosity one has when listening to actors in a dramatic scene.

“If you have forgotten anything . . . of course . . . I . . .”

“If you’ve forgotten anything . . . of course . . . I . . .”

Her eyes blazed at him for an instant; her lips trembled—and then she also became the mouth-piece of the mysterious force forever hovering near us; of that perverse inspiration, wandering capricious and uncontrollable, like a gust of wind.

Her eyes blazed at him for a moment; her lips quivered—and then she too became the voice of the mysterious force that’s always around us; of that unpredictable inspiration, drifting and uncontrollable, like a gust of wind.

“What is the good of this, Alvan? . . . You know why I came back. . . . You know that I could not . . .”

“What’s the point of this, Alvan? . . . You know why I came back. . . . You know that I couldn’t . . .”

He interrupted her with irritation.

He interrupted her irritably.

“Then! what’s this?” he asked, pointing downwards at the torn letter.

“Then! What’s this?” he asked, pointing down at the torn letter.

“That’s a mistake,” she said hurriedly, in a muffled voice.

"That’s a mistake," she said quickly, in a quiet voice.

This answer amazed him. He remained speechless, staring at her. He had half a mind to burst into a laugh. It ended in a smile as involuntary as a grimace of pain.

This answer blew him away. He stood there speechless, just staring at her. He almost burst out laughing. Instead, he ended up with a smile that was as automatic as a wince of pain.

“A mistake . . .” he began, slowly, and then found himself unable to say another word.

“A mistake . . .” he started, slowly, and then realized he couldn't say anything else.

“Yes . . . it was honest,” she said very low, as if speaking to the memory of a feeling in a remote past.

“Yes... it really was honest,” she said quietly, as if talking to a memory of a feeling from a long time ago.

He exploded.

He blew up.

“Curse your honesty! . . . Is there any honesty in all this! . . . When did you begin to be honest? Why are you here? What are you now? . . . Still honest? . . .”

“Damn your honesty! . . . Is there any honesty in all this! . . . When did you start being honest? Why are you here? What are you now? . . . Still honest? . . .”

He walked at her, raging, as if blind; during these three quick strides he lost touch of the material world and was whirled interminably through a kind of empty universe made up of nothing but fury and anguish, till he came suddenly upon her face—very close to his. He stopped short, and all at once seemed to remember something heard ages ago.

He walked toward her, furious, as if he couldn't see; during those three quick steps, he lost connection with reality and was caught up in an endless void filled with nothing but anger and pain until he suddenly found her face—right in front of his. He stopped abruptly and suddenly seemed to recall something he had heard long ago.

“You don’t know the meaning of the word,” he shouted.

“You don’t know what that word even means,” he shouted.

She did not flinch. He perceived with fear that everything around him was still. She did not move a hair’s breadth; his own body did not stir. An imperturbable calm enveloped their two motionless figures, the house, the town, all the world—and the trifling tempest of his feelings. The violence of the short tumult within him had been such as could well have shattered all creation; and yet nothing was changed. He faced his wife in the familiar room in his own house. It had not fallen. And right and left all the innumerable dwellings, standing shoulder to shoulder, had resisted the shock of his passion, had presented, unmoved, to the loneliness of his trouble, the grim silence of walls, the impenetrable and polished discretion of closed doors and curtained windows. Immobility and silence pressed on him, assailed him, like two accomplices of the immovable and mute woman before his eyes. He was suddenly vanquished. He was shown his impotence. He was soothed by the breath of a corrupt resignation coming to him through the subtle irony of the surrounding peace.

She didn't flinch. He sensed with fear that everything around him was still. She didn't move at all; his own body was frozen. An unshakeable calm surrounded their two motionless figures, the house, the town, and the whole world—and the minor storm of his feelings. The intensity of the brief turmoil inside him was enough to have shattered everything; yet nothing had changed. He faced his wife in the familiar room of his own house. It hadn’t fallen apart. And to the left and right, all the countless homes, standing close together, had withstood the force of his passion, presenting, untouched, to the loneliness of his distress, the grim silence of walls, the impenetrable and polished discretion of closed doors and curtained windows. Immobility and silence pressed in on him, attacked him, like two accomplices of the unyielding and mute woman before him. He was suddenly defeated. His powerlessness was laid bare. He was comforted by the breath of a corrupt resignation that reached him through the subtle irony of the surrounding peace.

He said with villainous composure:

He said calmly like a villain:

“At any rate it isn’t enough for me. I want to know more—if you’re going to stay.”

“At any rate it isn’t enough for me. I want to know more—if you’re going to stay.”

“There is nothing more to tell,” she answered, sadly.

“There’s nothing else to say,” she replied, sadly.

It struck him as so very true that he did not say anything. She went on:

It felt so true to him that he couldn’t find the words. She continued:

“You wouldn’t understand. . . .”

“You wouldn’t get it. . . .”

“No?” he said, quietly. He held himself tight not to burst into howls and imprecations.

“No?” he said, softly. He clenched himself tight to keep from breaking into tears and yelling.

“I tried to be faithful . . .” she began again.

“I tried to be faithful . . .” she started again.

“And this?” he exclaimed, pointing at the fragments of her letter.

“And this?” he shouted, pointing at the pieces of her letter.

“This—this is a failure,” she said.

“This—this is a failure,” she said.

“I should think so,” he muttered, bitterly.

"I would think so," he muttered, bitterly.

“I tried to be faithful to myself—Alvan—and . . . and honest to you. . . .”

“I tried to be true to myself—Alvan—and . . . and honest with you. . . .”

“If you had tried to be faithful to me it would have been more to the purpose,” he interrupted, angrily. “I’ve been faithful to you and you have spoiled my life—both our lives . . .” Then after a pause the unconquerable preoccupation of self came out, and he raised his voice to ask resentfully, “And, pray, for how long have you been making a fool of me?”

“If you had tried to be loyal to me, it would have made more sense,” he interrupted, angrily. “I’ve been loyal to you, and you’ve ruined my life—both of our lives . . .” Then after a pause, his self-absorption kicked in, and he raised his voice to ask resentfully, “And, tell me, how long have you been making a fool of me?”

She seemed horribly shocked by that question. He did not wait for an answer, but went on moving about all the time; now and then coming up to her, then wandering off restlessly to the other end of the room.

She looked completely taken aback by that question. He didn't wait for her to respond, but kept pacing around; occasionally approaching her, then restlessly drifting back to the other side of the room.

“I want to know. Everybody knows, I suppose, but myself—and that’s your honesty!”

“I want to know. I guess everyone knows except me—and that’s your honesty!”

“I have told you there is nothing to know,” she said, speaking unsteadily as if in pain. “Nothing of what you suppose. You don’t understand me. This letter is the beginning—and the end.”

“I’ve told you there’s nothing to know,” she said, speaking unsteadily as if in pain. “Nothing of what you think. You don’t understand me. This letter is the beginning—and the end.”

“The end—this thing has no end,” he clamoured, unexpectedly. “Can’t you understand that? I can . . . The beginning . . .”

“The end—this thing has no end,” he shouted, unexpectedly. “Can’t you understand that? I can... The beginning...”

He stopped and looked into her eyes with concentrated intensity, with a desire to see, to penetrate, to understand, that made him positively hold his breath till he gasped.

He stopped and looked into her eyes with focused intensity, with a need to see, to delve deeper, to understand, that made him literally hold his breath until he gasped.

“By Heavens!” he said, standing perfectly still in a peering attitude and within less than a foot from her.

“By heavens!” he said, standing perfectly still, leaning in so close that he was less than a foot away from her.

“By Heavens!” he repeated, slowly, and in a tone whose involuntary strangeness was a complete mystery to himself. “By Heavens—I could believe you—I could believe anything—now!”

“By heavens!” he repeated slowly, in a tone that felt strangely unfamiliar to him. “By heavens—I could believe you—I could believe anything—now!”

He turned short on his heel and began to walk up and down the room with an air of having disburdened himself of the final pronouncement of his life—of having said something on which he would not go back, even if he could. She remained as if rooted to the carpet. Her eyes followed the restless movements of the man, who avoided looking at her. Her wide stare clung to him, inquiring, wondering and doubtful.

He turned sharply on his heel and started pacing the room, like he had just delivered the final statement of his life—something he wouldn’t take back, even if he could. She stood there, seemingly glued to the carpet. Her eyes tracked his restless movements as he avoided looking at her. Her wide gaze was fixed on him, curious, questioning, and unsure.

“But the fellow was forever sticking in here,” he burst out, distractedly. “He made love to you, I suppose—and, and . . .” He lowered his voice. “And—you let him.”

“But that guy was always hanging around here,” he said anxiously. “He was flirting with you, I guess—and, and . . .” He lowered his voice. “And—you went along with it.”

“And I let him,” she murmured, catching his intonation, so that her voice sounded unconscious, sounded far off and slavish, like an echo.

“And I let him,” she murmured, mimicking his tone, making her voice sound unintentional, distant, and submissive, like an echo.

He said twice, “You! You!” violently, then calmed down. “What could you see in the fellow?” he asked, with unaffected wonder. “An effeminate, fat ass. What could you . . . Weren’t you happy? Didn’t you have all you wanted? Now—frankly; did I deceive your expectations in any way? Were you disappointed with our position—or with our prospects—perhaps? You know you couldn’t be—they are much better than you could hope for when you married me. . . .”

He shouted twice, “You! You!” angrily, then settled down. “What could you possibly see in that guy?” he asked, genuinely surprised. “A soft, chubby loser. What could you... Weren't you happy? Didn’t you have everything you wanted? Now—honestly; did I let you down in any way? Were you disappointed with where we are—or with our future—maybe? You know you shouldn't be—they're way better than you could have hoped for when you married me...”

He forgot himself so far as to gesticulate a little while he went on with animation:

He got so caught up that he started to gesture a bit while he spoke passionately:

“What could you expect from such a fellow? He’s an outsider—a rank outsider. . . . If it hadn’t been for my money . . . do you hear? . . . for my money, he wouldn’t know where to turn. His people won’t have anything to do with him. The fellow’s no class—no class at all. He’s useful, certainly, that’s why I . . . I thought you had enough intelligence to see it. . . . And you . . . No! It’s incredible! What did he tell you? Do you care for no one’s opinion—is there no restraining influence in the world for you—women? Did you ever give me a thought? I tried to be a good husband. Did I fail? Tell me—what have I done?”

“What can you expect from someone like him? He’s an outsider—a complete outsider. If it weren’t for my money… do you get that? … because of my money, he wouldn’t know where to go. His family doesn’t want anything to do with him. The guy has no class—none at all. He’s useful, sure, that’s why I… I thought you had enough sense to see it… And you… No! This is unbelievable! What did he say to you? Don’t you care about anyone's opinion—there’s no one to keep you in check—what about women? Did you ever think about me? I tried to be a good husband. Did I fail? Tell me—what have I done?”

Carried away by his feelings he took his head in both his hands and repeated wildly:

Carried away by his emotions, he held his head in both hands and shouted wildly:

“What have I done? . . . Tell me! What? . . .”

“What have I done? ... Tell me! What? ...”

“Nothing,” she said.

“Nothing,” she replied.

“Ah! You see . . . you can’t . . .” he began, triumphantly, walking away; then suddenly, as though he had been flung back at her by something invisible he had met, he spun round and shouted with exasperation:

“Ah! You see . . . you can’t . . .” he started, feeling victorious as he walked away; then suddenly, as if something invisible had thrown him back toward her, he turned around and shouted in frustration:

“What on earth did you expect me to do?”

“What did you expect me to do?”

Without a word she moved slowly towards the table, and, sitting down, leaned on her elbow, shading her eyes with her hand. All that time he glared at her watchfully as if expecting every moment to find in her deliberate movements an answer to his question. But he could not read anything, he could gather no hint of her thought. He tried to suppress his desire to shout, and after waiting awhile, said with incisive scorn:

Without saying anything, she slowly walked over to the table and sat down, propping her elbow on it and shading her eyes with her hand. He watched her carefully the whole time, as if expecting to find some clue to his question in her deliberate movements. But he couldn’t figure out what she was thinking; he couldn't pick up on any hints. He struggled to hold back his urge to shout, and after a moment of silence, he said with sharp contempt:

“Did you want me to write absurd verses; to sit and look at you for hours—to talk to you about your soul? You ought to have known I wasn’t that sort. . . . I had something better to do. But if you think I was totally blind . . .”

“Did you want me to write ridiculous poems; to sit and stare at you for hours—to talk to you about your soul? You should have known I wasn’t that kind of person. . . . I had better things to do. But if you think I was completely unaware . . .”

He perceived in a flash that he could remember an infinity of enlightening occurrences. He could recall ever so many distinct occasions when he came upon them; he remembered the absurdly interrupted gesture of his fat, white hand, the rapt expression of her face, the glitter of unbelieving eyes; snatches of incomprehensible conversations not worth listening to, silences that had meant nothing at the time and seemed now illuminating like a burst of sunshine. He remembered all that. He had not been blind. Oh! No! And to know this was an exquisite relief: it brought back all his composure.

He suddenly realized that he could remember countless enlightening moments. He thought back to so many different times when he encountered them; he remembered the awkward interruption of his thick, pale hand, the captivated look on her face, the sparkle of her disbelieving eyes; fragments of meaningless conversations that hadn’t mattered then and now felt illuminating, like a ray of sunshine. He remembered all of it. He hadn’t been oblivious. Oh! No! And knowing this was a wonderful relief: it restored all his calm.

“I thought it beneath me to suspect you,” he said, loftily.

“I thought it was beneath me to suspect you,” he said, haughtily.

The sound of that sentence evidently possessed some magical power, because, as soon as he had spoken, he felt wonderfully at ease; and directly afterwards he experienced a flash of joyful amazement at the discovery that he could be inspired to such noble and truthful utterance. He watched the effect of his words. They caused her to glance to him quickly over her shoulder. He caught a glimpse of wet eyelashes, of a red cheek with a tear running down swiftly; and then she turned away again and sat as before, covering her face with her hands.

The sound of that sentence clearly had some sort of magic, because as soon as he said it, he felt incredibly calm. Right after that, he was hit with a wave of joyful surprise at realizing he could be inspired to say something so noble and true. He observed the impact of his words. They made her turn around and look at him quickly over her shoulder. He caught a glimpse of her wet eyelashes and a red cheek with a tear streaming down, and then she turned away again and sat as she had before, hiding her face in her hands.

“You ought to be perfectly frank with me,” he said, slowly.

“You should be completely honest with me,” he said slowly.

“You know everything,” she answered, indistinctly, through her fingers.

“You know everything,” she replied softly, her words muffled by her fingers.

“This letter. . . . Yes . . . but . . .”

“This letter... Yeah... but...”

“And I came back,” she exclaimed in a stifled voice; “you know everything.”

“And I came back,” she said in a hushed voice; “you know everything.”

“I am glad of it—for your sake,” he said with impressive gravity. He listened to himself with solemn emotion. It seemed to him that something inexpressibly momentous was in progress within the room, that every word and every gesture had the importance of events preordained from the beginning of all things, and summing up in their finality the whole purpose of creation.

“I’m glad about it—for your sake,” he said with serious weight. He listened to himself with deep emotion. It felt to him like something incredibly significant was happening in the room, that every word and every gesture held the significance of events destined since the beginning of time, summing up in their finality the entire purpose of creation.

“For your sake,” he repeated.

"For your good," he repeated.

Her shoulders shook as though she had been sobbing, and he forgot himself in the contemplation of her hair. Suddenly he gave a start, as if waking up, and asked very gently and not much above a whisper—

Her shoulders shook as if she had been crying, and he lost himself in looking at her hair. Suddenly, he jolted, as if waking up, and asked very softly, almost a whisper—

“Have you been meeting him often?”

“Have you been seeing him a lot?”

“Never!” she cried into the palms of her hands.

“Never!” she shouted into her hands.

This answer seemed for a moment to take from him the power of speech. His lips moved for some time before any sound came.

This answer seemed to momentarily rob him of his ability to speak. His lips moved for a while before any sound came out.

“You preferred to make love here—under my very nose,” he said, furiously. He calmed down instantly, and felt regretfully uneasy, as though he had let himself down in her estimation by that outburst. She rose, and with her hand on the back of the chair confronted him with eyes that were perfectly dry now. There was a red spot on each of her cheeks.

“You chose to be intimate here—right in front of me,” he said angrily. He quickly calmed down and felt a wave of regret, as if he had let her down with that outburst. She stood up, placing her hand on the back of the chair, and faced him with eyes that were completely dry now. There was a red spot on each of her cheeks.

“When I made up my mind to go to him—I wrote,” she said.

“When I decided to go to him—I wrote,” she said.

“But you didn’t go to him,” he took up in the same tone. “How far did you go? What made you come back?”

“But you didn’t go to him,” he continued in the same tone. “How far did you go? What made you come back?”

“I didn’t know myself,” she murmured. Nothing of her moved but her lips. He fixed her sternly.

“I didn’t know who I was,” she whispered. The only thing that moved was her lips. He looked at her fiercely.

“Did he expect this? Was he waiting for you?” he asked.

"Did he expect this? Was he waiting for you?" he asked.

She answered him by an almost imperceptible nod, and he continued to look at her for a good while without making a sound. Then, at last—

She responded with a barely noticeable nod, and he kept looking at her for quite some time without saying anything. Then, finally—

“And I suppose he is waiting yet?” he asked, quickly.

“And I guess he’s still waiting?” he asked, quickly.

Again she seemed to nod at him. For some reason he felt he must know the time. He consulted his watch gloomily. Half-past seven.

Again she appeared to nod at him. For some reason, he felt he needed to know the time. He looked at his watch with a frown. Half-past seven.

“Is he?” he muttered, putting the watch in his pocket. He looked up at her, and, as if suddenly overcome by a sense of sinister fun, gave a short, harsh laugh, directly repressed.

“Is he?” he muttered, putting the watch in his pocket. He looked up at her, and, as if suddenly struck by a sense of dark amusement, let out a short, harsh laugh, quickly stifled.

“No! It’s the most unheard! . . .” he mumbled while she stood before him biting her lower lip, as if plunged in deep thought. He laughed again in one low burst that was as spiteful as an imprecation. He did not know why he felt such an overpowering and sudden distaste for the facts of existence—for facts in general—such an immense disgust at the thought of all the many days already lived through. He was wearied. Thinking seemed a labour beyond his strength. He said—

“No! It’s the most unheard! . . .” he muttered while she stood in front of him, biting her lower lip as if she were deep in thought. He let out another low laugh that was as spiteful as a curse. He didn’t understand why he felt such an overwhelming and sudden dislike for the realities of life—for reality in general—such a deep disgust at the thought of all the many days that had already passed. He was exhausted. Thinking felt like a task beyond his capabilities. He said—

“You deceived me—now you make a fool of him . . . It’s awful! Why?”

"You lied to me—now you're making a fool of him… It’s terrible! Why?"

“I deceived myself!” she exclaimed.

“I fooled myself!” she exclaimed.

“Oh! Nonsense!” he said, impatiently.

“Oh! That’s ridiculous!” he said, impatiently.

“I am ready to go if you wish it,” she went on, quickly. “It was due to you—to be told—to know. No! I could not!” she cried, and stood still wringing her hands stealthily.

“I’m ready to go if you want me to,” she said quickly. “It was because of you—to be told—to know. No! I can’t!” she exclaimed, standing still and nervously wringing her hands.

“I am glad you repented before it was too late,” he said in a dull tone and looking at his boots. “I am glad . . . some spark of better feeling,” he muttered, as if to himself. He lifted up his head after a moment of brooding silence. “I am glad to see that there is some sense of decency left in you,” he added a little louder. Looking at her he appeared to hesitate, as if estimating the possible consequences of what he wished to say, and at last blurted out—

“I’m glad you changed your mind before it was too late,” he said flatly, staring at his boots. “I’m glad... there’s still some spark of better feeling,” he muttered, almost to himself. After a moment of silent reflection, he lifted his head. “I’m glad to see you still have some decency left,” he added a bit louder. Looking at her, he seemed to hesitate, weighing the potential consequences of what he wanted to say, and finally blurted out—

“After all, I loved you. . . .”

“After all, I loved you. . . .”

“I did not know,” she whispered.

“I didn’t know,” she said softly.

“Good God!” he cried. “Why do you imagine I married you?”

“Good God!” he exclaimed. “Why do you think I married you?”

The indelicacy of his obtuseness angered her.

His awkwardness annoyed her.

“Ah—why?” she said through her teeth.

“Ah—why?” she said through gritted teeth.

He appeared overcome with horror, and watched her lips intently as though in fear.

He looked completely terrified and stared at her lips closely, as if he were afraid.

“I imagined many things,” she said, slowly, and paused. He watched, holding his breath. At last she went on musingly, as if thinking aloud, “I tried to understand. I tried honestly. . . . Why? . . . To do the usual thing—I suppose. . . . To please yourself.”

“I imagined a lot of things,” she said slowly, pausing. He watched, holding his breath. Finally, she continued thoughtfully, as if she were thinking out loud, “I tried to understand. I really did. . . . Why? . . . To do what’s expected, I guess. . . . To make yourself happy.”

He walked away smartly, and when he came back, close to her, he had a flushed face.

He walked away confidently, and when he returned, close to her, he had a flushed face.

“You seemed pretty well pleased, too—at the time,” he hissed, with scathing fury. “I needn’t ask whether you loved me.”

“You looked pretty happy, back then,” he hissed, filled with rage. “I don’t need to ask if you loved me.”

“I know now I was perfectly incapable of such a thing,” she said, calmly, “If I had, perhaps you would not have married me.”

“I realize now that I was completely incapable of doing that,” she said, calmly, “If I had, maybe you wouldn’t have married me.”

“It’s very clear I would not have done it if I had known you—as I know you now.”

“It’s clear I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you like I know you now.”

He seemed to see himself proposing to her—ages ago. They were strolling up the slope of a lawn. Groups of people were scattered in sunshine. The shadows of leafy boughs lay still on the short grass. The coloured sunshades far off, passing between trees, resembled deliberate and brilliant butterflies moving without a flutter. Men smiling amiably, or else very grave, within the impeccable shelter of their black coats, stood by the side of women who, clustered in clear summer toilettes, recalled all the fabulous tales of enchanted gardens where animated flowers smile at bewitched knights. There was a sumptuous serenity in it all, a thin, vibrating excitement, the perfect security, as of an invincible ignorance, that evoked within him a transcendent belief in felicity as the lot of all mankind, a recklessly picturesque desire to get promptly something for himself only, out of that splendour unmarred by any shadow of a thought. The girl walked by his side across an open space; no one was near, and suddenly he stood still, as if inspired, and spoke. He remembered looking at her pure eyes, at her candid brow; he remembered glancing about quickly to see if they were being observed, and thinking that nothing could go wrong in a world of so much charm, purity, and distinction. He was proud of it. He was one of its makers, of its possessors, of its guardians, of its extollers. He wanted to grasp it solidly, to get as much gratification as he could out of it; and in view of its incomparable quality, of its unstained atmosphere, of its nearness to the heaven of its choice, this gust of brutal desire seemed the most noble of aspirations. In a second he lived again through all these moments, and then all the pathos of his failure presented itself to him with such vividness that there was a suspicion of tears in his tone when he said almost unthinkingly, “My God! I did love you!”

He felt like he was proposing to her a long time ago. They were walking up a sloped lawn. Groups of people were scattered in the sunlight. Shadows from leafy branches rested on the short grass. The colorful umbrellas in the distance, moving between trees, looked like bright butterflies gliding smoothly. Men, some smiling kindly and some looking serious, stood next to women dressed in light summer outfits that reminded him of enchanting tales of magical gardens where animated flowers smiled at enchanted knights. Everything had a lavish calm and a subtle, electric thrill, like a safe naivety, making him believe that happiness was meant for everyone. He felt a wild urge to quickly claim a piece of that beauty for himself without any taint of doubt. The girl walked beside him across an open area; they were alone, and suddenly he stopped, feeling inspired, and spoke. He remembered looking into her pure eyes, at her honest forehead; he remembered checking around quickly to see if anyone was watching, thinking that nothing could go wrong in a world filled with charm, purity, and elegance. He was proud of it. He believed he was part of its creation, its ownership, its protection, its admiration. He wanted to grasp it firmly, to draw as much joy from it as he could; and considering its unmatched quality, its pure atmosphere, its closeness to a chosen paradise, this surge of raw desire felt like the most noble aspiration. In an instant, he relived those moments, and then all the sadness of his failure hit him so intensely that he spoke almost without thinking, “My God! I did love you!”

She seemed touched by the emotion of his voice. Her lips quivered a little, and she made one faltering step towards him, putting out her hands in a beseeching gesture, when she perceived, just in time, that being absorbed by the tragedy of his life he had absolutely forgotten her very existence. She stopped, and her outstretched arms fell slowly. He, with his features distorted by the bitterness of his thought, saw neither her movement nor her gesture. He stamped his foot in vexation, rubbed his head—then exploded.

She looked moved by the emotion in his voice. Her lips trembled slightly, and she took a hesitant step toward him, reaching out her hands in a pleading gesture, when she suddenly realized that lost in the tragedy of his life, he had completely forgotten about her. She halted, and her outstretched arms slowly dropped. He, with his face twisted in bitterness, noticed neither her movement nor her gesture. He stomped his foot in frustration, rubbed his head—then erupted.

“What the devil am I to do now?”

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

He was still again. She seemed to understand, and moved to the door firmly.

He was still again. She seemed to get it and walked firmly to the door.

“It’s very simple—I’m going,” she said aloud.

“It’s really simple—I’m going,” she said out loud.

At the sound of her voice he gave a start of surprise, looked at her wildly, and asked in a piercing tone—

At the sound of her voice, he jumped in surprise, looked at her in shock, and asked in a sharp tone—

“You. . . . Where? To him?”

"You... Where? To them?"

“No—alone—good-bye.”

“No—by myself—goodbye.”

The door-handle rattled under her groping hand as though she had been trying to get out of some dark place.

The door handle rattled under her searching hand as if she had been trying to escape from some dark place.

“No—stay!” he cried.

“No—stay!” he yelled.

She heard him faintly. He saw her shoulder touch the lintel of the door. She swayed as if dazed. There was less than a second of suspense while they both felt as if poised on the very edge of moral annihilation, ready to fall into some devouring nowhere. Then, almost simultaneously, he shouted, “Come back!” and she let go the handle of the door. She turned round in peaceful desperation like one who deliberately has thrown away the last chance of life; and, for a moment, the room she faced appeared terrible, and dark, and safe—like a grave.

She heard him faintly. He saw her shoulder brush against the doorframe. She swayed like she was in a daze. There was barely a second of suspense as they both felt on the brink of total moral collapse, ready to plunge into some all-consuming void. Then, almost at the same time, he yelled, “Come back!” and she released the door handle. She turned around in calm desperation, like someone who has intentionally discarded their last shot at survival; and for a moment, the room she faced seemed terrible, dark, and safe—like a grave.

He said, very hoarse and abrupt: “It can’t end like this. . . . Sit down;” and while she crossed the room again to the low-backed chair before the dressing-table, he opened the door and put his head out to look and listen. The house was quiet. He came back pacified, and asked—

He said, in a rough and blunt voice: “It can't end like this... Sit down;” and while she walked across the room again to the low-backed chair in front of the dressing table, he opened the door and poked his head out to check and listen. The house was quiet. He returned feeling calmer and asked—

“Do you speak the truth?”

"Are you telling the truth?"

She nodded.

She agreed.

“You have lived a lie, though,” he said, suspiciously.

"You've lived a lie, though," he said, warily.

“Ah! You made it so easy,” she answered.

“Wow! You made it so easy,” she replied.

“You reproach me—me!”

"You blame me—me!"

“How could I?” she said; “I would have you no other—now.”

“How could I?” she said. “I wouldn’t want you any other way—now.”

“What do you mean by . . .” he began, then checked himself, and without waiting for an answer went on, “I won’t ask any questions. Is this letter the worst of it?”

“What do you mean by . . .” he started to say, then stopped himself, and without waiting for a response continued, “I won’t ask any questions. Is this letter the worst of it?”

She had a nervous movement of her hands.

She nervously fidgeted with her hands.

“I must have a plain answer,” he said, hotly.

“I need a clear answer,” he said, angrily.

“Then, no! The worst is my coming back.”

“Then, no! The worst part is me coming back.”

There followed a period of dead silence, during which they exchanged searching glances.

There was a long moment of complete silence, during which they exchanged intense looks.

He said authoritatively—

He said with authority—

“You don’t know what you are saying. Your mind is unhinged. You are beside yourself, or you would not say such things. You can’t control yourself. Even in your remorse . . .” He paused a moment, then said with a doctoral air: “Self-restraint is everything in life, you know. It’s happiness, it’s dignity . . . it’s everything.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Your mind is all over the place. You’re not in your right mind, or you wouldn’t say those things. You can’t keep it together. Even in your regret . . .” He paused for a moment, then said with a wise tone: “Self-control is everything in life, you know. It’s happiness, it’s dignity . . . it’s everything.”

She was pulling nervously at her handkerchief while he went on watching anxiously to see the effect of his words. Nothing satisfactory happened. Only, as he began to speak again, she covered her face with both her hands.

She was nervously tugging at her handkerchief while he watched anxiously to see how his words affected her. Nothing satisfying happened. Just as he started to speak again, she covered her face with both hands.

“You see where the want of self-restraint leads to. Pain—humiliation—loss of respect—of friends, of everything that ennobles life, that . . . All kinds of horrors,” he concluded, abruptly.

“You see where the lack of self-control leads. Pain—humiliation—loss of respect—of friends, of everything that makes life meaningful, that . . . All kinds of horrors,” he finished, suddenly.

She made no stir. He looked at her pensively for some time as though he had been concentrating the melancholy thoughts evoked by the sight of that abased woman. His eyes became fixed and dull. He was profoundly penetrated by the solemnity of the moment; he felt deeply the greatness of the occasion. And more than ever the walls of his house seemed to enclose the sacredness of ideals to which he was about to offer a magnificent sacrifice. He was the high priest of that temple, the severe guardian of formulas, of rites, of the pure ceremonial concealing the black doubts of life. And he was not alone. Other men, too—the best of them—kept watch and ward by the hearthstones that were the altars of that profitable persuasion. He understood confusedly that he was part of an immense and beneficent power, which had a reward ready for every discretion. He dwelt within the invincible wisdom of silence; he was protected by an indestructible faith that would last forever, that would withstand unshaken all the assaults—the loud execrations of apostates, and the secret weariness of its confessors! He was in league with a universe of untold advantages. He represented the moral strength of a beautiful reticence that could vanquish all the deplorable crudities of life—fear, disaster, sin—even death itself. It seemed to him he was on the point of sweeping triumphantly away all the illusory mysteries of existence. It was simplicity itself.

She didn’t make a sound. He stared at her thoughtfully for a while, as if he were absorbed in the sad thoughts triggered by the sight of that humbled woman. His eyes became vacant and lifeless. He was deeply moved by the weight of the moment; he felt the significance of the occasion. And more than ever, the walls of his house felt like they contained the sacred ideals to which he was about to make a grand sacrifice. He was the high priest of that sanctuary, the strict guardian of the rituals and traditions that hid the dark doubts of life. And he wasn’t alone. Other men, too—the best of them—stood watch at the hearths that served as the altars of that profitable belief. He vaguely understood that he was part of a vast and benevolent power, which would reward every act of discretion. He lived within the unshakeable wisdom of silence; he was protected by an unbreakable faith that would endure forever, resisting all attacks—the loud curses of those who had turned away and the quiet fatigue of its followers! He was allied with a universe of untold benefits. He embodied the moral strength of a graceful reticence that could overcome all the harsh realities of life—fear, catastrophe, sin—even death itself. It felt to him like he was on the verge of triumphantly dispelling all the deceptive mysteries of existence. It was as simple as that.

“I hope you see now the folly—the utter folly of wickedness,” he began in a dull, solemn manner. “You must respect the conditions of your life or lose all it can give you. All! Everything!”

“I hope you see now the foolishness—the absolute foolishness of being wicked,” he started in a flat, serious tone. “You need to respect the circumstances of your life or you’ll lose everything it has to offer you. All! Everything!”

He waved his arm once, and three exact replicas of his face, of his clothes, of his dull severity, of his solemn grief, repeated the wide gesture that in its comprehensive sweep indicated an infinity of moral sweetness, embraced the walls, the hangings, the whole house, all the crowd of houses outside, all the flimsy and inscrutable graves of the living, with their doors numbered like the doors of prison-cells, and as impenetrable as the granite of tombstones.

He waved his arm once, and three exact copies of his face, his clothes, his dull seriousness, and his solemn grief mirrored the broad gesture that, in its extensive reach, suggested endless moral kindness. It embraced the walls, the drapes, the entire house, all the cluster of houses outside, and all the fragile and mysterious graves of the living, with their doors numbered like prison cells and just as impenetrable as the granite of tombstones.

“Yes! Restraint, duty, fidelity—unswerving fidelity to what is expected of you. This—only this—secures the reward, the peace. Everything else we should labour to subdue—to destroy. It’s misfortune; it’s disease. It is terrible—terrible. We must not know anything about it—we needn’t. It is our duty to ourselves—to others. You do not live all alone in the world—and if you have no respect for the dignity of life, others have. Life is a serious matter. If you don’t conform to the highest standards you are no one—it’s a kind of death. Didn’t this occur to you? You’ve only to look round you to see the truth of what I am saying. Did you live without noticing anything, without understanding anything? From a child you had examples before your eyes—you could see daily the beauty, the blessings of morality, of principles. . . .”

“Yes! Self-control, responsibility, loyalty—steady loyalty to what’s expected of you. This—only this—brings the rewards and peace. Everything else we should work to suppress—to eliminate. It’s misfortune; it’s a sickness. It’s awful—awful. We must not acknowledge it—we don’t need to. It’s our responsibility to ourselves—to others. You don’t live all alone in this world—and if you don’t respect the value of life, others do. Life is serious. If you don’t meet the highest standards, you are nothing—it’s like a kind of death. Didn’t this ever cross your mind? You just have to look around you to see the truth of what I’m saying. Did you live without noticing anything, without understanding anything? From childhood, you had examples all around you—you could see every day the beauty, the blessings of morality, of principles...”

His voice rose and fell pompously in a strange chant. His eyes were still, his stare exalted and sullen; his face was set, was hard, was woodenly exulting over the grim inspiration that secretly possessed him, seethed within him, lifted him up into a stealthy frenzy of belief. Now and then he would stretch out his right arm over her head, as it were, and he spoke down at that sinner from a height, and with a sense of avenging virtue, with a profound and pure joy as though he could from his steep pinnacle see every weighty word strike and hurt like a punishing stone.

His voice rose and fell dramatically in a strange chant. His eyes were still, his stare both proud and gloomy; his expression was fixed, hard, and woodenly reveling in the dark inspiration that secretly consumed him, bubbled within him, and elevated him into a quiet frenzy of belief. Occasionally, he would stretch out his right arm over her head, as if he was speaking down at that sinner from a height, filled with a sense of righteous vengeance, and with a deep, pure joy as if from his high vantage point he could see every heavy word hit and hurt like a punishing stone.

“Rigid principles—adherence to what is right,” he finished after a pause.

“Strict principles—sticking to what’s right,” he concluded after a pause.

“What is right?” she said, distinctly, without uncovering her face.

“What is right?” she asked clearly, without revealing her face.

“Your mind is diseased!” he cried, upright and austere. “Such a question is rot—utter rot. Look round you—there’s your answer, if you only care to see. Nothing that outrages the received beliefs can be right. Your conscience tells you that. They are the received beliefs because they are the best, the noblest, the only possible. They survive. . . .”

“Your mind is sick!” he shouted, standing tall and serious. “That question is nonsense—absolute nonsense. Just look around you—there’s your answer, if you’re willing to see it. Nothing that goes against widely accepted beliefs can be right. Your conscience knows that. Those beliefs are accepted because they are the best, the most honorable, the only ones that work. They endure. . . .”

He could not help noticing with pleasure the philosophic breadth of his view, but he could not pause to enjoy it, for his inspiration, the call of august truth, carried him on.

He couldn't help but notice with pleasure the wide perspective of his thoughts, but he couldn't stop to appreciate it, as his inspiration, the appeal of profound truth, pushed him forward.

“You must respect the moral foundations of a society that has made you what you are. Be true to it. That’s duty—that’s honour—that’s honesty.”

“You need to respect the moral foundations of the society that has shaped you. Stay true to it. That's duty—that's honor—that's honesty.”

He felt a great glow within him, as though he had swallowed something hot. He made a step nearer. She sat up and looked at him with an ardour of expectation that stimulated his sense of the supreme importance of that moment. And as if forgetting himself he raised his voice very much.

He felt a warm glow inside him, like he had swallowed something hot. He took a step closer. She sat up and looked at him with a passionate expectation that heightened his awareness of how significant that moment was. And as if he forgot himself, he raised his voice significantly.

“‘What’s right?’ you ask me. Think only. What would you have been if you had gone off with that infernal vagabond? . . . What would you have been? . . . You! My wife! . . .”

“‘What’s right?’ you ask me. Just think. What would you have become if you had left with that damn drifter? . . . What would you have turned into? . . . You! My wife! . . .”

He caught sight of himself in the pier glass, drawn up to his full height, and with a face so white that his eyes, at the distance, resembled the black cavities in a skull. He saw himself as if about to launch imprecations, with arms uplifted above her bowed head. He was ashamed of that unseemly posture, and put his hands in his pockets hurriedly. She murmured faintly, as if to herself—

He caught sight of himself in the mirror, standing tall, with a face so pale that his eyes, from a distance, looked like dark holes in a skull. He saw himself as if he were about to curse, with his arms raised above her bowed head. He felt embarrassed by that awkward posture and quickly shoved his hands into his pockets. She murmured softly, as if to herself—

“Ah! What am I now?”

“Ugh! What am I now?”

“As it happens you are still Mrs. Alvan Hervey—uncommonly lucky for you, let me tell you,” he said in a conversational tone. He walked up to the furthest corner of the room, and, turning back, saw her sitting very upright, her hands clasped on her lap, and with a lost, unswerving gaze of her eyes which stared unwinking like the eyes of the blind, at the crude gas flame, blazing and still, between the jaws of the bronze dragon.

“As it turns out, you're still Mrs. Alvan Hervey—pretty lucky for you, I must say,” he said casually. He walked to the farthest corner of the room and, turning back, saw her sitting very straight, her hands clasped in her lap, with a vacant, unwavering stare in her eyes fixed on the bright gas flame burning steadily between the jaws of the bronze dragon.

He came up quite close to her, and straddling his legs a little, stood looking down at her face for some time without taking his hands out of his pockets. He seemed to be turning over in his mind a heap of words, piecing his next speech out of an overpowering abundance of thoughts.

He stepped in close to her, shifting his legs slightly, and looked down at her face for a while without pulling his hands out of his pockets. He seemed to be sorting through a lot of words, trying to put together his next statement from a flood of thoughts.

“You’ve tried me to the utmost,” he said at last; and as soon as he said these words he lost his moral footing, and felt himself swept away from his pinnacle by a flood of passionate resentment against the bungling creature that had come so near to spoiling his life. “Yes; I’ve been tried more than any man ought to be,” he went on with righteous bitterness. “It was unfair. What possessed you to? . . . What possessed you? . . . Write such a . . . After five years of perfect happiness! ‘Pon my word, no one would believe. . . . Didn’t you feel you couldn’t? Because you couldn’t . . . it was impossible—you know. Wasn’t it? Think. Wasn’t it?”

"You've pushed me to my limit," he finally said; and as soon as those words left his mouth, he lost his sense of control and felt himself being pulled down from his peak by an overwhelming wave of angry resentment toward the clumsy person who had come so close to ruining his life. "Yeah; I've been tested more than any man should be," he continued with righteous bitterness. "It was unfair. What made you do it? . . . What were you thinking? . . . Write something like that . . . After five years of perfect happiness! I swear, no one would believe it. . . . Didn't you realize you couldn't? Because you couldn't . . . it was impossible—you know that. Wasn't it? Think about it. Wasn't it?"

“It was impossible,” she whispered, obediently.

“It was impossible,” she whispered, complying.

This submissive assent given with such readiness did not soothe him, did not elate him; it gave him, inexplicably, that sense of terror we experience when in the midst of conditions we had learned to think absolutely safe we discover all at once the presence of a near and unsuspected danger. It was impossible, of course! He knew it. She knew it. She confessed it. It was impossible! That man knew it, too—as well as any one; couldn’t help knowing it. And yet those two had been engaged in a conspiracy against his peace—in a criminal enterprise for which there could be no sanction of belief within themselves. There could not be! There could not be! And yet how near to . . . With a short thrill he saw himself an exiled forlorn figure in a realm of ungovernable, of unrestrained folly. Nothing could be foreseen, foretold—guarded against. And the sensation was intolerable, had something of the withering horror that may be conceived as following upon the utter extinction of all hope. In the flash of thought the dishonouring episode seemed to disengage itself from everything actual, from earthly conditions, and even from earthly suffering; it became purely a terrifying knowledge, an annihilating knowledge of a blind and infernal force. Something desperate and vague, a flicker of an insane desire to abase himself before the mysterious impulses of evil, to ask for mercy in some way, passed through his mind; and then came the idea, the persuasion, the certitude, that the evil must be forgotten—must be resolutely ignored to make life possible; that the knowledge must be kept out of mind, out of sight, like the knowledge of certain death is kept out of the daily existence of men. He stiffened himself inwardly for the effort, and next moment it appeared very easy, amazingly feasible, if one only kept strictly to facts, gave one’s mind to their perplexities and not to their meaning. Becoming conscious of a long silence, he cleared his throat warningly, and said in a steady voice—

This submissive agreement, given so readily, didn’t calm him or lift his spirits; instead, it filled him with a strange terror, like that feeling we get when we suddenly realize there's a hidden danger in a situation we thought was completely safe. It was impossible, of course! He knew it. She knew it. She admitted it. It was impossible! That man knew it too—just like anyone else; it was inevitable. And yet those two were engaged in a conspiracy against his peace—in a wrongful act they couldn’t possibly justify to themselves. They couldn’t! They couldn’t! And yet how close to... With a jolt, he envisioned himself as a lonely outcast in a world of uncontrollable, unrestrained madness. Nothing could be predicted, warned against, or prepared for. The feeling was unbearable, like the crippling horror that follows the complete destruction of all hope. In a flash, the disgraceful incident seemed to detach itself from reality, from earthly conditions, and even from earthly pain; it became nothing more than a terrifying awareness, a destructive knowledge of a blind and infernal force. A desperate and vague impulse flickered through his mind, a wild desire to humble himself before the mysterious forces of evil, to somehow plead for mercy; and then came the thought, the belief, the certainty that the evil had to be forgotten—had to be resolutely ignored to make life bearable; that this knowledge must be pushed out of sight, like the awareness of certain death is kept out of people’s daily lives. He steeled himself for the effort, and in the next moment, it seemed surprisingly easy, astonishingly doable, as long as he focused strictly on facts, dealing with their complexities instead of their meanings. Becoming aware of a long silence, he cleared his throat to get attention and said in a steady voice—

“I am glad you feel this . . . uncommonly glad . . . you felt this in time. For, don’t you see . . .” Unexpectedly he hesitated.

“I’m glad you feel this . . . really glad . . . you realized this in time. Because, don’t you see . . .” Unexpectedly, he paused.

“Yes . . . I see,” she murmured.

“Yes . . . I get it,” she murmured.

“Of course you would,” he said, looking at the carpet and speaking like one who thinks of something else. He lifted his head. “I cannot believe—even after this—even after this—that you are altogether—altogether . . . other than what I thought you. It seems impossible—to me.”

“Of course you would,” he said, looking at the carpet and sounding like he was thinking about something else. He lifted his head. “I can't believe—even after this—even after this—that you are completely—completely . . . different from what I thought you were. It seems impossible—to me.”

“And to me,” she breathed out.

“And to me,” she said softly.

“Now—yes,” he said, “but this morning? And to-morrow? . . . This is what . . .”

“Now—yes,” he said, “but this morning? And tomorrow? . . . This is what . . .”

He started at the drift of his words and broke off abruptly. Every train of thought seemed to lead into the hopeless realm of ungovernable folly, to recall the knowledge and the terror of forces that must be ignored. He said rapidly—

He paused mid-sentence and stopped suddenly. Every line of thought seemed to head into the endless space of uncontrollable madness, bringing back memories and fears of forces that needed to be ignored. He spoke quickly—

“My position is very painful—difficult . . . I feel . . .”

“My situation is really tough—hard . . . I feel . . .”

He looked at her fixedly with a pained air, as though frightfully oppressed by a sudden inability to express his pent-up ideas.

He stared at her intensely with a pained expression, as if he were overwhelmed by a sudden inability to express all his bottled-up thoughts.

“I am ready to go,” she said very low. “I have forfeited everything . . . to learn . . . to learn . . .”

“I’m ready to go,” she said quietly. “I’ve given up everything . . . to learn . . . to learn . . .”

Her chin fell on her breast; her voice died out in a sigh. He made a slight gesture of impatient assent.

Her chin dropped to her chest; her voice faded into a sigh. He made a small gesture of impatient agreement.

“Yes! Yes! It’s all very well . . . of course. Forfeited—ah! Morally forfeited—only morally forfeited . . . if I am to believe you . . .”

“Yes! Yes! It’s all very well . . . of course. Forfeited—ah! Morally forfeited—only morally forfeited . . . if I’m supposed to believe you . . .”

She startled him by jumping up.

She surprised him by jumping up.

“Oh! I believe, I believe,” he said, hastily, and she sat down as suddenly as she had got up. He went on gloomily—

“Oh! I believe, I believe,” he said quickly, and she sat down just as suddenly as she had gotten up. He continued on in a gloomy tone—

“I’ve suffered—I suffer now. You can’t understand how much. So much that when you propose a parting I almost think. . . . But no. There is duty. You’ve forgotten it; I never did. Before heaven, I never did. But in a horrid exposure like this the judgment of mankind goes astray—at least for a time. You see, you and I—at least I feel that—you and I are one before the world. It is as it should be. The world is right—in the main—or else it couldn’t be—couldn’t be—what it is. And we are part of it. We have our duty to—to our fellow beings who don’t want to . . . to . . . er.”

“I’ve been through a lot—I’m still going through it. You can’t grasp how much. It’s so overwhelming that when you suggest separating, I almost start to... But no. There’s a sense of duty. You’ve forgotten it; I never did. I swear, I never did. But in such a terrible situation, people’s judgment can falter—even if just for a while. You see, you and I—at least I feel that way—you and I are seen as one by the world. That’s how it should be. The world is mostly right—or else it wouldn’t be—couldn’t be—what it is. And we’re a part of it. We have a responsibility to our fellow beings who don’t want to... to... um.”

He stammered. She looked up at him with wide eyes, and her lips were slightly parted. He went on mumbling—

He stuttered. She gazed up at him with wide eyes, her lips slightly parted. He continued to mumble—

“. . . Pain. . . . Indignation. . . . Sure to misunderstand. I’ve suffered enough. And if there has been nothing irreparable—as you assure me . . . then . . .”

“. . . Pain. . . . Anger. . . . Certain to be misunderstood. I’ve gone through enough. And if nothing is beyond repair—as you promise me . . . then . . .”

“Alvan!” she cried.

"Alvan!" she yelled.

“What?” he said, morosely. He gazed down at her for a moment with a sombre stare, as one looks at ruins, at the devastation of some natural disaster.

“What?” he said, gloomily. He looked down at her for a moment with a serious gaze, like someone observing ruins after a natural disaster.

“Then,” he continued after a short pause, “the best thing is . . . the best for us . . . for every one. . . . Yes . . . least pain—most unselfish. . . .” His voice faltered, and she heard only detached words. “. . . Duty. . . . Burden. . . . Ourselves. . . . Silence.”

“Then,” he continued after a brief pause, “the best thing is . . . the best for us . . . for everyone . . . Yes . . . least pain—most unselfish . . .” His voice wavered, and she could only make out disjointed words. “. . . Duty . . . Burden . . . Ourselves . . . Silence.”

A moment of perfect stillness ensued.

A moment of complete silence followed.

“This is an appeal I am making to your conscience,” he said, suddenly, in an explanatory tone, “not to add to the wretchedness of all this: to try loyally and help me to live it down somehow. Without any reservations—you know. Loyally! You can’t deny I’ve been cruelly wronged and—after all—my affection deserves . . .” He paused with evident anxiety to hear her speak.

“This is a plea I’m making to your conscience,” he said suddenly, in an explanatory tone, “not to make this situation worse: to try sincerely and help me get through this somehow. No reservations—you know what I mean. Sincerely! You can’t deny that I’ve been treated unfairly and—after all—my feelings deserve . . .” He paused, clearly anxious to hear her response.

“I make no reservations,” she said, mournfully. “How could I? I found myself out and came back to . . .” her eyes flashed scornfully for an instant “. . . to what—to what you propose. You see . . . I . . . I can be trusted . . . now.”

“I have no reservations,” she said sadly. “How could I? I discovered my true self and returned to . . .” her eyes flashed with scorn for a moment “. . . to what—to what you’re suggesting. You see . . . I . . . I can be trusted . . . now.”

He listened to every word with profound attention, and when she ceased seemed to wait for more.

He listened to every word with deep focus, and when she stopped, it seemed like he was expecting more.

“Is that all you’ve got to say?” he asked.

“Is that everything you want to say?” he asked.

She was startled by his tone, and said faintly—

She was taken aback by his tone and said softly—

“I spoke the truth. What more can I say?”

“I told the truth. What else can I say?”

“Confound it! You might say something human,” he burst out. “It isn’t being truthful; it’s being brazen—if you want to know. Not a word to show you feel your position, and—and mine. Not a single word of acknowledgment, or regret—or remorse . . . or . . . something.”

“Damn it! You could at least say something human,” he exploded. “It’s not being honest; it’s being shameless—just so you know. Not a word to show you understand your place, and—and mine. Not even a single word of acknowledgment, or regret—or remorse . . . or . . . something.”

“Words!” she whispered in a tone that irritated him. He stamped his foot.

“Words!” she whispered in a way that annoyed him. He stamped his foot.

“This is awful!” he exclaimed. “Words? Yes, words. Words mean something—yes—they do—for all this infernal affectation. They mean something to me—to everybody—to you. What the devil did you use to express those sentiments—sentiments—pah!—which made you forget me, duty, shame!” . . . He foamed at the mouth while she stared at him, appalled by this sudden fury. “Did you two talk only with your eyes?” he spluttered savagely. She rose.

“This is terrible!” he shouted. “Words? Yes, words. Words actually mean something—yes—they do—despite all this ridiculous pretense. They mean something to me—to everyone—to you. What the heck did you use to express those feelings—feelings—ugh!—that made you forget about me, your responsibilities, your shame!” . . . He was furious while she looked at him, shocked by this sudden outburst. “Did you two communicate only with your eyes?” he spat angrily. She stood up.

“I can’t bear this,” she said, trembling from head to foot. “I am going.”

“I can’t take this anymore,” she said, shaking all over. “I’m leaving.”

They stood facing one another for a moment.

They stood facing each other for a moment.

“Not you,” he said, with conscious roughness, and began to walk up and down the room. She remained very still with an air of listening anxiously to her own heart-beats, then sank down on the chair slowly, and sighed, as if giving up a task beyond her strength.

“Not you,” he said, with a deliberate harshness, and started pacing up and down the room. She stayed completely still, as if anxiously listening to her own heartbeat, then slowly sank down into the chair and sighed, as though surrendering to a challenge too difficult to handle.

“You misunderstand everything I say,” he began quietly, “but I prefer to think that—just now—you are not accountable for your actions.” He stopped again before her. “Your mind is unhinged,” he said, with unction. “To go now would be adding crime—yes, crime—to folly. I’ll have no scandal in my life, no matter what’s the cost. And why? You are sure to misunderstand me—but I’ll tell you. As a matter of duty. Yes. But you’re sure to misunderstand me—recklessly. Women always do—they are too—too narrow-minded.”

“You misunderstand everything I say,” he started softly, “but I’d rather think that—right now—you’re not responsible for your actions.” He paused again in front of her. “Your mind is unstable,” he said, with emphasis. “Leaving now would just add wrongdoing—yes, wrongdoing—to foolishness. I won’t allow any scandal in my life, no matter the cost. And why? You’re bound to misunderstand me—but I’ll explain. It’s a matter of duty. Yes. But you’re definitely going to misunderstand me—recklessly. Women always do—they are too—too narrow-minded.”

He waited for a while, but she made no sound, didn’t even look at him; he felt uneasy, painfully uneasy, like a man who suspects he is unreasonably mistrusted. To combat that exasperating sensation he recommenced talking very fast. The sound of his words excited his thoughts, and in the play of darting thoughts he had glimpses now and then of the inexpugnable rock of his convictions, towering in solitary grandeur above the unprofitable waste of errors and passions.

He waited for a bit, but she didn’t make a sound or even look at him; he felt uneasy, painfully uneasy, like someone who thinks they are being unreasonably mistrusted. To fight that frustrating feeling, he started talking really fast again. The sound of his words energized his thoughts, and in the flurry of racing ideas, he occasionally caught sight of the solid foundation of his beliefs, standing tall and solitary above the pointless mess of mistakes and emotions.

“For it is self-evident,” he went on with anxious vivacity, “it is self-evident that, on the highest ground we haven’t the right—no, we haven’t the right to intrude our miseries upon those who—who naturally expect better things from us. Every one wishes his own life and the life around him to be beautiful and pure. Now, a scandal amongst people of our position is disastrous for the morality—a fatal influence—don’t you see—upon the general tone of the class—very important—the most important, I verily believe, in—in the community. I feel this—profoundly. This is the broad view. In time you’ll give me . . . when you become again the woman I loved—and trusted. . . .”

“It's obvious,” he continued with eager intensity, “it's obvious that, at the highest level, we don’t have the right—no, we don’t have the right to burden those who—who naturally expect better from us with our problems. Everyone wants their own life and the lives of those around them to be beautiful and pure. A scandal among people like us is disastrous for morality—a deadly influence—don't you see—on the overall tone of our class—very important—the most important, I truly believe, in—in the community. I feel this—deeply. This is the big picture. In time you’ll understand... when you become the woman I loved—and trusted again...”

He stopped short, as though unexpectedly suffocated, then in a completely changed voice said, “For I did love and trust you”—and again was silent for a moment. She put her handkerchief to her eyes.

He suddenly stopped, as if he couldn't breathe, then with a totally different tone said, “Because I really loved and trusted you”—and once more fell silent for a moment. She brought her handkerchief to her eyes.

“You’ll give me credit for—for—my motives. It’s mainly loyalty to—to the larger conditions of our life—where you—you! of all women—failed. One doesn’t usually talk like this—of course—but in this case you’ll admit . . . And consider—the innocent suffer with the guilty. The world is pitiless in its judgments. Unfortunately there are always those in it who are only too eager to misunderstand. Before you and before my conscience I am guiltless, but any—any disclosure would impair my usefulness in the sphere—in the larger sphere in which I hope soon to . . . I believe you fully shared my views in that matter—I don’t want to say any more . . . on—on that point—but, believe me, true unselfishness is to bear one’s burdens in—in silence. The ideal must—must be preserved—for others, at least. It’s clear as daylight. If I’ve a—a loathsome sore, to gratuitously display it would be abominable—abominable! And often in life—in the highest conception of life—outspokenness in certain circumstances is nothing less than criminal. Temptation, you know, excuses no one. There is no such thing really if one looks steadily to one’s welfare—which is grounded in duty. But there are the weak.” . . . His tone became ferocious for an instant . . . “And there are the fools and the envious—especially for people in our position. I am guiltless of this terrible—terrible . . . estrangement; but if there has been nothing irreparable.” . . . Something gloomy, like a deep shadow passed over his face. . . . “Nothing irreparable—you see even now I am ready to trust you implicitly—then our duty is clear.”

"You’ll recognize my motives. It’s mainly about loyalty to the bigger picture of our lives—where you—you! of all women—failed. People don’t usually talk like this—obviously—but in this case, you’ll agree... And think about it—the innocent suffer with the guilty. The world is unforgiving in its judgments. Unfortunately, there are always those who are too eager to misunderstand. Before you and my conscience, I am innocent, but any—any revelation would hurt my usefulness in the broader sphere where I hope to soon... I believe you completely shared my views on this—I don’t want to say more... on—that point—but trust me, true selflessness means bearing one’s burdens in silence. The ideal must be maintained—for others, at least. It's as clear as day. If I have a disgusting sore, to show it off would be horrifying—horrifying! And often in life—in the highest understanding of life—being outspoken in certain situations is nothing less than criminal. Temptation doesn’t excuse anyone. There really is no such thing if one focuses on their own well-being—which is based on duty. But then there are the weak…” His tone turned fierce for a moment… “And there are the fools and the jealous—especially for people like us. I am blameless for this terrible—terrible estrangement; but if nothing has been irreparable…” A gloomy look, like a deep shadow, crossed his face… “Nothing irreparable—you see even now I am ready to trust you completely—then our duty is clear.”

He looked down. A change came over his expression and straightway from the outward impetus of his loquacity he passed into the dull contemplation of all the appeasing truths that, not without some wonder, he had so recently been able to discover within himself. During this profound and soothing communion with his innermost beliefs he remained staring at the carpet, with a portentously solemn face and with a dull vacuity of eyes that seemed to gaze into the blankness of an empty hole. Then, without stirring in the least, he continued:

He looked down. A shift occurred in his expression, and instantly, from his earlier talkativeness, he fell into a deep reflection on all the comforting truths he had recently uncovered within himself, somewhat to his surprise. While he engaged in this calming and intense connection with his deepest beliefs, he kept his eyes fixed on the carpet, wearing a seriously solemn face, his eyes vacant as if staring into an empty void. Then, without moving at all, he continued:

“Yes. Perfectly clear. I’ve been tried to the utmost, and I can’t pretend that, for a time, the old feelings—the old feelings are not. . . .” He sighed. . . . “But I forgive you. . . .”

“Yeah. It's perfectly clear. I've been pushed to my limits, and I can’t pretend that, for a while, the old feelings—the old feelings aren't. . . .” He sighed. . . . “But I forgive you. . . .”

She made a slight movement without uncovering her eyes. In his profound scrutiny of the carpet he noticed nothing. And there was silence, silence within and silence without, as though his words had stilled the beat and tremor of all the surrounding life, and the house had stood alone—the only dwelling upon a deserted earth.

She moved a little without opening her eyes. While he closely examined the carpet, he noticed nothing. And there was silence, silence inside and silence outside, as if his words had quieted the rhythm and pulse of all the life around them, making the house feel solitary—the only home on an empty planet.

He lifted his head and repeated solemnly:

He raised his head and said seriously:

“I forgive you . . . from a sense of duty—and in the hope . . .”

“I forgive you . . . out of obligation—and with the hope . . .”

He heard a laugh, and it not only interrupted his words but also destroyed the peace of his self-absorption with the vile pain of a reality intruding upon the beauty of a dream. He couldn’t understand whence the sound came. He could see, foreshortened, the tear-stained, dolorous face of the woman stretched out, and with her head thrown over the back of the seat. He thought the piercing noise was a delusion. But another shrill peal followed by a deep sob and succeeded by another shriek of mirth positively seemed to tear him out from where he stood. He bounded to the door. It was closed. He turned the key and thought: that’s no good. . . . “Stop this!” he cried, and perceived with alarm that he could hardly hear his own voice in the midst of her screaming. He darted back with the idea of stifling that unbearable noise with his hands, but stood still distracted, finding himself as unable to touch her as though she had been on fire. He shouted, “Enough of this!” like men shout in the tumult of a riot, with a red face and starting eyes; then, as if swept away before another burst of laughter, he disappeared in a flash out of three looking-glasses, vanished suddenly from before her. For a time the woman gasped and laughed at no one in the luminous stillness of the empty room.

He heard a laugh that not only interrupted his words but also shattered the peaceful bubble of his thoughts, bringing the harsh pain of reality crashing down on the beauty of his dream. He couldn't figure out where the sound was coming from. He could see, in a distorted way, the tear-streaked, sorrowful face of the woman slumped over the back of the seat. He thought the sharp sound might be a figment of his imagination. But another loud peal followed by a deep sob, and then another burst of laughter, seemed to pull him out of his trance. He rushed to the door. It was locked. He turned the key and thought: this is pointless... “Stop this!” he shouted, realizing with alarm that he could barely hear his own voice above her screaming. He dashed back, intending to muffle that unbearable noise with his hands, but froze, finding himself as unable to touch her as if she were on fire. He yelled, “Enough of this!” like people shout in the chaos of a riot, with a flushed face and wide eyes; then, as if carried away by another wave of laughter, he vanished from view, suddenly disappearing from before her. For a moment, the woman gasped and laughed at no one in the bright stillness of the empty room.

He reappeared, striding at her, and with a tumbler of water in his hand. He stammered: “Hysterics—Stop—They will hear—Drink this.” She laughed at the ceiling. “Stop this!” he cried. “Ah!”

He came back, walking towards her with a glass of water in his hand. He stuttered, “Calm down—Stop—they’ll hear you—Drink this.” She laughed at the ceiling. “Cut it out!” he shouted. “Ah!”

He flung the water in her face, putting into the action all the secret brutality of his spite, yet still felt that it would have been perfectly excusable—in any one—to send the tumbler after the water. He restrained himself, but at the same time was so convinced nothing could stop the horror of those mad shrieks that, when the first sensation of relief came, it did not even occur to him to doubt the impression of having become suddenly deaf. When, next moment, he became sure that she was sitting up, and really very quiet, it was as though everything—men, things, sensations, had come to a rest. He was prepared to be grateful. He could not take his eyes off her, fearing, yet unwilling to admit, the possibility of her beginning again; for, the experience, however contemptuously he tried to think of it, had left the bewilderment of a mysterious terror. Her face was streaming with water and tears; there was a wisp of hair on her forehead, another stuck to her cheek; her hat was on one side, undecorously tilted; her soaked veil resembled a sordid rag festooning her forehead. There was an utter unreserve in her aspect, an abandonment of safeguards, that ugliness of truth which can only be kept out of daily life by unremitting care for appearances. He did not know why, looking at her, he thought suddenly of to-morrow, and why the thought called out a deep feeling of unutterable, discouraged weariness—a fear of facing the succession of days. To-morrow! It was as far as yesterday. Ages elapsed between sunrises—sometimes. He scanned her features like one looks at a forgotten country. They were not distorted—he recognized landmarks, so to speak; but it was only a resemblance that he could see, not the woman of yesterday—or was it, perhaps, more than the woman of yesterday? Who could tell? Was it something new? A new expression—or a new shade of expression? or something deep—an old truth unveiled, a fundamental and hidden truth—some unnecessary, accursed certitude? He became aware that he was trembling very much, that he had an empty tumbler in his hand—that time was passing. Still looking at her with lingering mistrust he reached towards the table to put the glass down and was startled to feel it apparently go through the wood. He had missed the edge. The surprise, the slight jingling noise of the accident annoyed him beyond expression. He turned to her irritated.

He splashed water in her face, unleashing all the secret brutality of his anger, yet still felt it would have been totally understandable—for anyone—to throw the tumbler after the water. He held himself back but was so convinced nothing could stop the terrifying screams that, when the first wave of relief hit him, he didn’t even think to doubt the feeling of having suddenly gone deaf. The next moment, when he realized she was sitting up and really very quiet, it felt like everything—people, things, sensations—had come to a standstill. He was ready to feel grateful. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, both scared and reluctant to admit the possibility of her starting again; for that experience, no matter how much he tried to dismiss it, had left him with a bewildering, mysterious fear. Her face was soaked with water and tears; a strand of hair lay on her forehead, another clung to her cheek; her hat was crooked, tilted to one side; her wet veil looked like a dirty rag draped across her forehead. There was an utter vulnerability in her appearance, an abandonment of pretense, that raw honesty which can only be kept out of everyday life by constant attention to appearances. He didn’t know why, as he looked at her, he suddenly thought of tomorrow, and why that thought brought up a deep sense of unbearable, tired weariness—a dread of facing the days ahead. Tomorrow! It felt as distant as yesterday. Sometimes ages passed between sunrises. He studied her features like someone gazing at a forgotten place. They weren't distorted—he recognized the familiar signs, so to speak; but it was only a resemblance he could see, not the woman of yesterday—or maybe it was more than just the woman of yesterday? Who could say? Was it something new? A new expression—or a new nuance of expression? Or something deeper—an old truth revealed, a fundamental, hidden truth—some unnecessary, cursed certainty? He realized he was shaking quite a bit, that he had an empty glass in his hand—and that time was moving on. Still looking at her with lingering suspicion, he reached for the table to set the glass down and was surprised to find it seemingly go through the wood. He had missed the edge. The shock, the slight clinking sound of the accident irritated him beyond measure. He turned to her, annoyed.

“What’s the meaning of this?” he asked, grimly.

“What’s going on here?” he asked, seriously.

She passed her hand over her face and made an attempt to get up.

She ran her hand over her face and tried to get up.

“You’re not going to be absurd again,” he said. “‘Pon my soul, I did not know you could forget yourself to that extent.” He didn’t try to conceal his physical disgust, because he believed it to be a purely moral reprobation of every unreserve, of anything in the nature of a scene. “I assure you—it was revolting,” he went on. He stared for a moment at her. “Positively degrading,” he added with insistence.

“You're not going to act ridiculous again,” he said. “Honestly, I didn't know you could lose your composure like that.” He didn't hide his physical disgust because he thought it was a genuine moral rejection of all lack of restraint, of anything that resembled a scene. “I promise you—it was disgusting,” he continued. He looked at her for a moment. “Absolutely degrading,” he added firmly.

She stood up quickly as if moved by a spring and tottered. He started forward instinctively. She caught hold of the back of the chair and steadied herself. This arrested him, and they faced each other wide-eyed, uncertain, and yet coming back slowly to the reality of things with relief and wonder, as though just awakened after tossing through a long night of fevered dreams.

She shot up quickly like a spring and stumbled. He instinctively moved toward her. She grabbed the back of the chair to steady herself. This paused him, and they faced each other wide-eyed, unsure, yet gradually returning to reality with relief and amazement, as if they had just woken up after a long night of restless dreams.

“Pray, don’t begin again,” he said, hurriedly, seeing her open her lips. “I deserve some little consideration—and such unaccountable behaviour is painful to me. I expect better things. . . . I have the right. . . .”

“Please, don’t start again,” he said quickly, noticing her about to speak. “I deserve a little consideration—and this unpredictable behavior is painful for me. I expect better things... I have the right...”

She pressed both her hands to her temples.

She pressed both her hands to her temples.

“Oh, nonsense!” he said, sharply. “You are perfectly capable of coming down to dinner. No one should even suspect; not even the servants. No one! No one! . . . I am sure you can.”

“Oh, come on!” he said, sharply. “You can definitely come down to dinner. No one should have a clue; not even the servants. No one! No one! . . . I know you can.”

She dropped her arms; her face twitched. She looked straight into his eyes and seemed incapable of pronouncing a word. He frowned at her.

She let her arms fall; her face twitched. She looked directly into his eyes and seemed unable to say a word. He frowned at her.

“I—wish—it,” he said, tyrannically. “For your own sake also. . . .” He meant to carry that point without any pity. Why didn’t she speak? He feared passive resistance. She must. . . . Make her come. His frown deepened, and he began to think of some effectual violence, when most unexpectedly she said in a firm voice, “Yes, I can,” and clutched the chair-back again. He was relieved, and all at once her attitude ceased to interest him. The important thing was that their life would begin again with an every-day act—with something that could not be misunderstood, that, thank God, had no moral meaning, no perplexity—and yet was symbolic of their uninterrupted communion in the past—in all the future. That morning, at that table, they had breakfast together; and now they would dine. It was all over! What had happened between could be forgotten—must be forgotten, like things that can only happen once—death for instance.

“I—wish—it,” he said, in a demanding tone. “For your own sake too. . . .” He planned to make his point without any compassion. Why wasn’t she saying anything? He was worried about her silent defiance. She had to... make her come. His frown deepened, and he started thinking of some effective force, when unexpectedly she replied firmly, “Yes, I can,” and gripped the chair-back again. He felt relieved, and suddenly her stance no longer held his interest. The key thing was that their life would start anew with a simple, everyday action—something that couldn’t be misunderstood, that, thank God, had no moral implications, no confusion—and yet represented their ongoing connection from the past and into the future. That morning, at that table, they had breakfast together; and now they would have dinner. It was all behind them! What had transpired could be forgotten—had to be forgotten, like things that only happen once—like death, for instance.

“I will wait for you,” he said, going to the door. He had some difficulty with it, for he did not remember he had turned the key. He hated that delay, and his checked impatience to be gone out of the room made him feel quite ill as, with the consciousness of her presence behind his back, he fumbled at the lock. He managed it at last; then in the doorway he glanced over his shoulder to say, “It’s rather late—you know—” and saw her standing where he had left her, with a face white as alabaster and perfectly still, like a woman in a trance.

“I'll wait for you,” he said, walking to the door. He struggled with it because he had forgotten he locked it. He hated that delay, and his growing impatience to leave the room made him feel quite sick as he fumbled with the lock, aware of her presence behind him. He finally got it open; then in the doorway, he looked over his shoulder to say, “It’s getting pretty late—you know—” and saw her standing where he had left her, with a face as white as alabaster and completely still, like a woman in a trance.

He was afraid she would keep him waiting, but without any breathing time, he hardly knew how, he found himself sitting at table with her. He had made up his mind to eat, to talk, to be natural. It seemed to him necessary that deception should begin at home. The servants must not know—must not suspect. This intense desire of secrecy; of secrecy dark, destroying, profound, discreet like a grave, possessed him with the strength of a hallucination—seemed to spread itself to inanimate objects that had been the daily companions of his life, affected with a taint of enmity every single thing within the faithful walls that would stand forever between the shamelessness of facts and the indignation of mankind. Even when—as it happened once or twice—both the servants left the room together he remained carefully natural, industriously hungry, laboriously at his ease, as though he had wanted to cheat the black oak sideboard, the heavy curtains, the stiff-backed chairs, into the belief of an unstained happiness. He was mistrustful of his wife’s self-control, unwilling to look at her and reluctant to speak, for it seemed to him inconceivable that she should not betray herself by the slightest movement, by the very first word spoken. Then he thought the silence in the room was becoming dangerous, and so excessive as to produce the effect of an intolerable uproar. He wanted to end it, as one is anxious to interrupt an indiscreet confession; but with the memory of that laugh upstairs he dared not give her an occasion to open her lips. Presently he heard her voice pronouncing in a calm tone some unimportant remark. He detached his eyes from the centre of his plate and felt excited as if on the point of looking at a wonder. And nothing could be more wonderful than her composure. He was looking at the candid eyes, at the pure brow, at what he had seen every evening for years in that place; he listened to the voice that for five years he had heard every day. Perhaps she was a little pale—but a healthy pallor had always been for him one of her chief attractions. Perhaps her face was rigidly set—but that marmoreal impassiveness, that magnificent stolidity, as of a wonderful statue by some great sculptor working under the curse of the gods; that imposing, unthinking stillness of her features, had till then mirrored for him the tranquil dignity of a soul of which he had thought himself—as a matter of course—the inexpugnable possessor. Those were the outward signs of her difference from the ignoble herd that feels, suffers, fails, errs—but has no distinct value in the world except as a moral contrast to the prosperity of the elect. He had been proud of her appearance. It had the perfectly proper frankness of perfection—and now he was shocked to see it unchanged. She looked like this, spoke like this, exactly like this, a year ago, a month ago—only yesterday when she. . . . What went on within made no difference. What did she think? What meant the pallor, the placid face, the candid brow, the pure eyes? What did she think during all these years? What did she think yesterday—to-day; what would she think to-morrow? He must find out. . . . And yet how could he get to know? She had been false to him, to that man, to herself; she was ready to be false—for him. Always false. She looked lies, breathed lies, lived lies—would tell lies—always—to the end of life! And he would never know what she meant. Never! Never! No one could. Impossible to know.

He was worried she would keep him waiting, but without any break, he found himself sitting at the table with her. He had decided to eat, to talk, to act natural. It felt necessary to keep the deception within the home. The servants must not know—must not suspect. This strong desire for secrecy—dark, destructive, deep, discreet like a grave—overwhelmed him like a hallucination, spreading to the inanimate objects that had been his everyday companions, tainting everything within those loyal walls that stood forever between the shamelessness of facts and the indignation of society. Even when, as happened a couple of times, both servants left the room together, he remained carefully natural, purposefully hungry, striving to seem at ease, as if he wanted to trick the dark oak sideboard, the heavy curtains, the stiff-backed chairs into believing in an unblemished happiness. He was suspicious of his wife’s self-control, hesitant to look at her, reluctant to speak, convinced it was inconceivable she wouldn’t give herself away with the slightest movement or the very first word. Then he thought the silence in the room was becoming dangerous, so overwhelming that it felt like an unbearable noise. He wanted to break it, as one feels the urge to interrupt a revealing confession; but with the memory of that laugh upstairs, he didn’t want to give her a reason to speak. Soon he heard her voice calmly making some trivial remark. He pulled his gaze from the center of his plate and felt a rush of excitement as if he was about to witness something extraordinary. And nothing could be more extraordinary than her composure. He was gazing at her candid eyes, her smooth brow, at what he had seen every evening for years in that setting; he listened to the voice he had heard every day for five years. Maybe she was a little pale—but a healthy pallor had always been one of her main attractions for him. Maybe her face was rigidly set—but that marble-like impassiveness, that magnificent stillness, like a stunning statue crafted by a great sculptor cursed by the gods; that commanding, unthinking calm of her features had until now reflected for him the serene dignity of a soul he had assumed—without question—he possessed beyond challenge. Those were the outward signs of her difference from the base crowd that feels, suffers, fails, errs—but has no real worth in the world except as a moral contrast to the success of the chosen. He had been proud of her appearance. It had the perfectly appropriate honesty of perfection—and now he was disturbed to see it unchanged. She looked like this, spoke like this, exactly like this, a year ago, a month ago—just yesterday when she... What was going on inside her made no difference. What did she think? What did her pallor, her calm face, her candid brow, her pure eyes signify? What had she thought all these years? What had she thought yesterday—today; what would she think tomorrow? He had to find out... And yet how could he learn? She had been untruthful to him, to that man, to herself; she was ready to be untruthful—for him. Always untruthful. She looked like lies, breathed lies, lived lies—would tell lies—always—to the end of her life! And he would never know what she truly meant. Never! Never! No one could. It was impossible to know.

He dropped his knife and fork, brusquely, as though by the virtue of a sudden illumination he had been made aware of poison in his plate, and became positive in his mind that he could never swallow another morsel of food as long as he lived. The dinner went on in a room that had been steadily growing, from some cause, hotter than a furnace. He had to drink. He drank time after time, and, at last, recollecting himself, was frightened at the quantity, till he perceived that what he had been drinking was water—out of two different wine glasses; and the discovered unconsciousness of his actions affected him painfully. He was disturbed to find himself in such an unhealthy state of mind. Excess of feeling—excess of feeling; and it was part of his creed that any excess of feeling was unhealthy—morally unprofitable; a taint on practical manhood. Her fault. Entirely her fault. Her sinful self-forgetfulness was contagious. It made him think thoughts he had never had before; thoughts disintegrating, tormenting, sapping to the very core of life—like mortal disease; thoughts that bred the fear of air, of sunshine, of men—like the whispered news of a pestilence.

He dropped his knife and fork abruptly, as if a sudden realization had made him aware of poison on his plate, and he became convinced that he could never eat another bite for the rest of his life. The dinner continued in a room that had been steadily getting hotter for some reason. He had to drink. He drank repeatedly, and finally, as he came to his senses, he was alarmed by how much he had consumed until he realized that what he had been drinking was water—out of two different wine glasses; the unwitting nature of his actions troubled him deeply. He was uneasy to find himself in such an unhealthy mental state. Too much feeling—too much feeling; and he believed that any excess of feeling was unhealthy—morally unprofitable; a blemish on practical manhood. Her fault. Completely her fault. Her sinful self-absorption was contagious. It made him think thoughts he had never considered before; thoughts that were disintegrating, tormenting, sapping him to his very core—like a deadly disease; thoughts that instilled a fear of air, of sunlight, of people—like the whispered news of a plague.

The maids served without noise; and to avoid looking at his wife and looking within himself, he followed with his eyes first one and then the other without being able to distinguish between them. They moved silently about, without one being able to see by what means, for their skirts touched the carpet all round; they glided here and there, receded, approached, rigid in black and white, with precise gestures, and no life in their faces, like a pair of marionettes in mourning; and their air of wooden unconcern struck him as unnatural, suspicious, irremediably hostile. That such people’s feelings or judgment could affect one in any way, had never occurred to him before. He understood they had no prospects, no principles—no refinement and no power. But now he had become so debased that he could not even attempt to disguise from himself his yearning to know the secret thoughts of his servants. Several times he looked up covertly at the faces of those girls. Impossible to know. They changed his plates and utterly ignored his existence. What impenetrable duplicity. Women—nothing but women round him. Impossible to know. He experienced that heart-probing, fiery sense of dangerous loneliness, which sometimes assails the courage of a solitary adventurer in an unexplored country. The sight of a man’s face—he felt—of any man’s face, would have been a profound relief. One would know then—something—could understand. . . . He would engage a butler as soon as possible. And then the end of that dinner—which had seemed to have been going on for hours—the end came, taking him violently by surprise, as though he had expected in the natural course of events to sit at that table for ever and ever.

The maids worked quietly, and to avoid looking at his wife and confronting his own thoughts, he shifted his gaze from one to the other, unable to tell them apart. They moved stealthily, and it was unclear how, since their skirts brushed the carpet all around; they glided here and there, appearing and disappearing, stiff in their black and white outfits, with precise movements and blank expressions, like a couple of sorrowful puppets; their wooden indifference struck him as unnatural, suspicious, and irrevocably unfriendly. He had never thought before that people like them could influence anyone in any way. He recognized they had no future, no values—no sophistication and no power. But now he had sunk so low that he couldn’t even hide from himself his desire to uncover the hidden thoughts of his servants. A few times, he stealthily glanced at the girls' faces. Impossible to tell. They switched his plates and completely disregarded his presence. Such impenetrable deceit. Just women—only women around him. Impossible to know. He felt that deep, burning sense of dangerous loneliness that sometimes strikes the resolve of a lone adventurer in uncharted territory. The sight of a man’s face—he thought—any man’s face would have been a huge relief. Then one would know—something—could understand... He would hire a butler as soon as possible. And then the end of that dinner—which had felt like it was dragging on forever—came, catching him completely off guard, as if he had expected to sit at that table for eternity.

But upstairs in the drawing-room he became the victim of a restless fate, that would, on no account, permit him to sit down. She had sunk on a low easy-chair, and taking up from a small table at her elbow a fan with ivory leaves, shaded her face from the fire. The coals glowed without a flame; and upon the red glow the vertical bars of the grate stood out at her feet, black and curved, like the charred ribs of a consumed sacrifice. Far off, a lamp perched on a slim brass rod, burned under a wide shade of crimson silk: the centre, within the shadows of the large room, of a fiery twilight that had in the warm quality of its tint something delicate, refined and infernal. His soft footfalls and the subdued beat of the clock on the high mantel-piece answered each other regularly—as if time and himself, engaged in a measured contest, had been pacing together through the infernal delicacy of twilight towards a mysterious goal.

But upstairs in the living room, he found himself unable to sit down, caught in a restless fate. She had settled into a low armchair and picked up a fan with ivory leaves from a small table beside her, shading her face from the fire. The coals glowed without flames, and the vertical bars of the fireplace loomed at her feet, dark and curved, like the charred ribs of a burnt offering. In the distance, a lamp sat on a slender brass stand, shining beneath a wide shade of crimson silk: the center of a fiery twilight in the large, warm-toned room, with a delicate, refined, yet hellish quality. His quiet footsteps and the soft ticking of the clock on the high mantle synchronized, as if time and he were in a measured competition, pacing together through the eerie twilight toward an elusive destination.

He walked from one end of the room to the other without a pause, like a traveller who, at night, hastens doggedly upon an interminable journey. Now and then he glanced at her. Impossible to know. The gross precision of that thought expressed to his practical mind something illimitable and infinitely profound, the all-embracing subtlety of a feeling, the eternal origin of his pain. This woman had accepted him, had abandoned him—had returned to him. And of all this he would never know the truth. Never. Not till death—not after—not on judgment day when all shall be disclosed, thoughts and deeds, rewards and punishments, but the secret of hearts alone shall return, forever unknown, to the Inscrutable Creator of good and evil, to the Master of doubts and impulses.

He walked from one side of the room to the other without stopping, like a traveler who, at night, pushes forward relentlessly on an endless journey. Occasionally, he glanced at her. It was impossible to know. The blunt clarity of that thought conveyed to his practical mind something boundless and deeply profound, the all-encompassing complexity of a feeling, the timeless source of his pain. This woman had accepted him, had left him—had come back to him. And he would never know the truth about any of it. Never. Not until death—not afterward—not on judgment day when everything will be revealed, thoughts and actions, rewards and punishments, but the secret of hearts alone will return, forever unknown, to the Mysterious Creator of good and evil, to the Master of doubts and impulses.

He stood still to look at her. Thrown back and with her face turned away from him, she did not stir—as if asleep. What did she think? What did she feel? And in the presence of her perfect stillness, in the breathless silence, he felt himself insignificant and powerless before her, like a prisoner in chains. The fury of his impotence called out sinister images, that faculty of tormenting vision, which in a moment of anguishing sense of wrong induces a man to mutter threats or make a menacing gesture in the solitude of an empty room. But the gust of passion passed at once, left him trembling a little, with the wondering, reflective fear of a man who has paused on the very verge of suicide. The serenity of truth and the peace of death can be only secured through a largeness of contempt embracing all the profitable servitudes of life. He found he did not want to know. Better not. It was all over. It was as if it hadn’t been. And it was very necessary for both of them, it was morally right, that nobody should know.

He stood still, staring at her. With her head back and her face turned away, she didn’t move—like she was asleep. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? In the presence of her perfect stillness and the breathless silence, he felt small and powerless in front of her, like a prisoner in chains. The anger of his helplessness brought forth dark images, that ability to visualize torment that leads a man to mutter threats or make a menacing gesture in the solitude of an empty room. But that rush of passion faded quickly, leaving him trembling slightly, filled with the bewildering, reflective fear of someone who has paused on the brink of suicide. The clarity of truth and the calmness of death can only be found through a broad contempt that encompasses all the profitable bonds of life. He realized he didn’t want to know. Better not to. It was all over. It was as if it had never happened. And it was very important for both of them; it was morally right that no one should know.

He spoke suddenly, as if concluding a discussion.

He spoke abruptly, as if wrapping up a conversation.

“The best thing for us is to forget all this.”

“The best thing for us is to just forget all this.”

She started a little and shut the fan with a click.

She jumped a bit and turned off the fan with a click.

“Yes, forgive—and forget,” he repeated, as if to himself.

“Yes, forgive—and forget,” he echoed, almost to himself.

“I’ll never forget,” she said in a vibrating voice. “And I’ll never forgive myself. . . .”

"I'll never forget," she said, her voice shaking. "And I'll never forgive myself..."

“But I, who have nothing to reproach myself . . .” He began, making a step towards her. She jumped up.

"But I, who have nothing to blame myself for..." he started, stepping toward her. She jumped up.

“I did not come back for your forgiveness,” she exclaimed, passionately, as if clamouring against an unjust aspersion.

“I didn’t come back for your forgiveness,” she exclaimed, passionately, as if protesting against an unfair accusation.

He only said “oh!” and became silent. He could not understand this unprovoked aggressiveness of her attitude, and certainly was very far from thinking that an unpremeditated hint of something resembling emotion in the tone of his last words had caused that uncontrollable burst of sincerity. It completed his bewilderment, but he was not at all angry now. He was as if benumbed by the fascination of the incomprehensible. She stood before him, tall and indistinct, like a black phantom in the red twilight. At last poignantly uncertain as to what would happen if he opened his lips, he muttered:

He just said “oh!” and went quiet. He couldn’t understand her sudden aggression and definitely didn’t think that an offhand hint of emotion in his last words had triggered her outburst of honesty. It left him even more confused, but he wasn’t angry at all now. He felt almost numb from the mystery of it all. She stood in front of him, tall and blurry, like a shadow in the red twilight. Finally, feeling intensely unsure about what would happen if he spoke, he muttered:

“But if my love is strong enough . . .” and hesitated.

“But if my love is strong enough...” and hesitated.

He heard something snap loudly in the fiery stillness. She had broken her fan. Two thin pieces of ivory fell, one after another, without a sound, on the thick carpet, and instinctively he stooped to pick them up. While he groped at her feet it occurred to him that the woman there had in her hands an indispensable gift which nothing else on earth could give; and when he stood up he was penetrated by an irresistible belief in an enigma, by the conviction that within his reach and passing away from him was the very secret of existence—its certitude, immaterial and precious! She moved to the door, and he followed at her elbow, casting about for a magic word that would make the enigma clear, that would compel the surrender of the gift. And there is no such word! The enigma is only made clear by sacrifice, and the gift of heaven is in the hands of every man. But they had lived in a world that abhors enigmas, and cares for no gifts but such as can be obtained in the street. She was nearing the door. He said hurriedly:

He heard something snap loudly in the fiery stillness. She had broken her fan. Two thin pieces of ivory fell, one after another, silently onto the thick carpet, and instinctively, he bent down to pick them up. As he fumbled at her feet, he realized that the woman before him held in her hands an essential gift that nothing else on earth could provide; and when he stood up, he was struck by an overwhelming belief in a mystery, convinced that within reach and slipping away from him was the very secret of existence—its certainty, intangible and precious! She moved toward the door, and he followed closely, searching for a magic word that would make the mystery clear, that would force the gift to be handed over. But no such word exists! The mystery is only revealed through sacrifice, and the gift of heaven is in the hands of every man. Yet they lived in a world that despises mysteries and values only those gifts that can be grabbed on the street. She was nearing the door. He said quickly:

“‘Pon my word, I loved you—I love you now.”

“Honestly, I loved you—I love you now.”

She stopped for an almost imperceptible moment to give him an indignant glance, and then moved on. That feminine penetration—so clever and so tainted by the eternal instinct of self-defence, so ready to see an obvious evil in everything it cannot understand—filled her with bitter resentment against both the men who could offer to the spiritual and tragic strife of her feelings nothing but the coarseness of their abominable materialism. In her anger against her own ineffectual self-deception she found hate enough for them both. What did they want? What more did this one want? And as her husband faced her again, with his hand on the door-handle, she asked herself whether he was unpardonably stupid, or simply ignoble.

She paused for a barely noticeable moment to give him an irritated look, and then continued on. That keen feminine insight—so smart yet so influenced by the instinct of self-protection, so quick to see an obvious wrong in everything it can’t grasp—filled her with deep resentment toward both the men who could offer nothing but the harshness of their disgusting materialism to the spiritual and tragic conflict of her feelings. In her frustration with her own ineffective self-deception, she harbored enough hate for both of them. What did they want? What more did this one want? And as her husband faced her again, with his hand on the door handle, she wondered if he was unforgivably foolish or just morally lacking.

She said nervously, and very fast:

She said quickly and a bit nervously:

“You are deceiving yourself. You never loved me. You wanted a wife—some woman—any woman that would think, speak, and behave in a certain way—in a way you approved. You loved yourself.”

“You're lying to yourself. You never loved me. You wanted a wife—any woman—somebody who would think, act, and behave in a way you liked. You loved yourself.”

“You won’t believe me?” he asked, slowly.

“You don't believe me?” he asked, slowly.

“If I had believed you loved me,” she began, passionately, then drew in a long breath; and during that pause he heard the steady beat of blood in his ears. “If I had believed it . . . I would never have come back,” she finished, recklessly.

“If I had thought you loved me,” she started, passionately, then took a deep breath; and during that pause he could hear the steady thumping of blood in his ears. “If I had thought it . . . I would never have come back,” she concluded, carelessly.

He stood looking down as though he had not heard. She waited. After a moment he opened the door, and, on the landing, the sightless woman of marble appeared, draped to the chin, thrusting blindly at them a cluster of lights.

He stood there looking down as if he hadn't heard. She waited. After a moment, he opened the door, and, on the landing, the blind woman made of marble appeared, covered up to her chin, blindly extending a cluster of lights toward them.

He seemed to have forgotten himself in a meditation so deep that on the point of going out she stopped to look at him in surprise. While she had been speaking he had wandered on the track of the enigma, out of the world of senses into the region of feeling. What did it matter what she had done, what she had said, if through the pain of her acts and words he had obtained the word of the enigma! There can be no life without faith and love—faith in a human heart, love of a human being! That touch of grace, whose help once in life is the privilege of the most undeserving, flung open for him the portals of beyond, and in contemplating there the certitude immaterial and precious he forgot all the meaningless accidents of existence: the bliss of getting, the delight of enjoying; all the protean and enticing forms of the cupidity that rules a material world of foolish joys, of contemptible sorrows. Faith!—Love!—the undoubting, clear faith in the truth of a soul—the great tenderness, deep as the ocean, serene and eternal, like the infinite peace of space above the short tempests of the earth. It was what he had wanted all his life—but he understood it only then for the first time. It was through the pain of losing her that the knowledge had come. She had the gift! She had the gift! And in all the world she was the only human being that could surrender it to his immense desire. He made a step forward, putting his arms out, as if to take her to his breast, and, lifting his head, was met by such a look of blank consternation that his arms fell as though they had been struck down by a blow. She started away from him, stumbled over the threshold, and once on the landing turned, swift and crouching. The train of her gown swished as it flew round her feet. It was an undisguised panic. She panted, showing her teeth, and the hate of strength, the disdain of weakness, the eternal preoccupation of sex came out like a toy demon out of a box.

He seemed to be lost in such a deep meditation that when she was about to leave, she paused and stared at him in surprise. While she had been talking, he had wandered into the mystery, moving from the realm of senses into a world of feelings. What did it matter what she had done or said if, through the pain of her actions and words, he had grasped the essence of the mystery? Life cannot exist without faith and love—faith in a human heart, love for another person! That touch of grace, which comes to the most undeserving, opened up for him the doors to the beyond, and as he contemplated the valuable and immaterial certainty there, he forgot all the meaningless events of life: the joy of acquiring, the pleasure of enjoying; all the diverse and tempting forms of greed that govern a material world filled with silly joys and petty sorrows. Faith!—Love!—the clear, unwavering faith in the truth of a soul—the deep tenderness, vast as the ocean, calm and eternal, like the infinite peace of space beyond the fleeting storms of Earth. It was what he had longed for all his life—but he only truly understood it at that moment. It was through the pain of losing her that the realization had arrived. She had the gift! She had the gift! And in all the world, she was the only one who could offer it to his overwhelming desire. He took a step forward, reaching out his arms as if to pull her to him, but when he lifted his head, he was met with such a look of sheer shock that his arms dropped as if struck down. She recoiled from him, stumbled over the threshold, and, once on the landing, turned around quickly, crouching. The train of her gown swished around her feet. It was plain panic. She gasped, showing her teeth, and the hatred of strength, the contempt for weakness, and the eternal obsession with sex emerged like a toy demon from a box.

“This is odious,” she screamed.

"This is disgusting," she screamed.

He did not stir; but her look, her agitated movements, the sound of her voice were like a mist of facts thickening between him and the vision of love and faith. It vanished; and looking at that face triumphant and scornful, at that white face, stealthy and unexpected, as if discovered staring from an ambush, he was coming back slowly to the world of senses. His first clear thought was: I am married to that woman; and the next: she will give nothing but what I see. He felt the need not to see. But the memory of the vision, the memory that abides forever within the seer made him say to her with the naive austerity of a convert awed by the touch of a new creed, “You haven’t the gift.” He turned his back on her, leaving her completely mystified. And she went upstairs slowly, struggling with a distasteful suspicion of having been confronted by something more subtle than herself—more profound than the misunderstood and tragic contest of her feelings.

He didn't move, but her gaze, her restless movements, the sound of her voice were like a fog of facts building up between him and the idea of love and faith. It disappeared; and as he looked at that face—triumphant and scornful, that pale face, sneaky and unexpected, as if caught peeking from a hiding spot—he slowly came back to reality. His first clear thought was: I am married to that woman; and the next: she will offer nothing beyond what I see. He felt the urge to look away. But the memory of the vision, that memory that stays forever with the observer, made him say to her with the earnest seriousness of a convert struck by a new belief, “You don’t have the gift.” He turned away from her, leaving her completely puzzled. She went upstairs slowly, grappling with an unsettling suspicion that she had faced something deeper than herself—something more profound than the misunderstood and tragic struggle of her emotions.

He shut the door of the drawing-room and moved at hazard, alone amongst the heavy shadows and in the fiery twilight as of an elegant place of perdition. She hadn’t the gift—no one had. . . . He stepped on a book that had fallen off one of the crowded little tables. He picked up the slender volume, and holding it, approached the crimson-shaded lamp. The fiery tint deepened on the cover, and contorted gold letters sprawling all over it in an intricate maze, came out, gleaming redly. “Thorns and Arabesques.” He read it twice, “Thorns and Ar . . . . . . . .” The other’s book of verses. He dropped it at his feet, but did not feel the slightest pang of jealousy or indignation. What did he know? . . . What? . . . The mass of hot coals tumbled down in the grate, and he turned to look at them . . . Ah! That one was ready to give up everything he had for that woman—who did not come—who had not the faith, the love, the courage to come. What did that man expect, what did he hope, what did he want? The woman—or the certitude immaterial and precious! The first unselfish thought he had ever given to any human being was for that man who had tried to do him a terrible wrong. He was not angry. He was saddened by an impersonal sorrow, by a vast melancholy as of all mankind longing for what cannot be attained. He felt his fellowship with every man—even with that man—especially with that man. What did he think now? Had he ceased to wait—and hope? Would he ever cease to wait and hope? Would he understand that the woman, who had no courage, had not the gift—had not the gift!

He closed the door to the living room and wandered aimlessly, alone in the thick shadows and the fiery twilight that felt like a fancy place of damnation. She didn’t have the ability—no one did. . . . He stepped on a book that had fallen off one of the crowded little tables. He picked up the slim volume and, holding it, walked over to the lamp with the crimson shade. The fiery hue intensified on the cover, and the tangled gold letters all over it started to shine red. “Thorns and Arabesques.” He read it twice, “Thorns and Ar . . . . . . . .” The other’s poetry book. He dropped it at his feet but didn’t feel even a hint of jealousy or anger. What did he know? . . . What? . . . The pile of hot coals tumbled down in the grate, and he turned to look at them . . . Ah! That guy was ready to give up everything he had for that woman—who didn’t come—who didn’t have the faith, the love, the courage to come. What did that man expect, what did he hope for, what did he want? The woman—or the precious, intangible certainty! The first selfless thought he’d ever had for anyone was for that man who had tried to do him a terrible wrong. He wasn’t angry. He was filled with a deep, impersonal sadness, a vast melancholy like all humankind yearning for what can't be attained. He felt connected to every man—even that man—especially that man. What did he think now? Had he stopped waiting—and hoping? Would he ever stop waiting and hoping? Would he understand that the woman, who lacked courage, didn’t have the gift—didn’t have the gift!

The clock began to strike, and the deep-toned vibration filled the room as though with the sound of an enormous bell tolling far away. He counted the strokes. Twelve. Another day had begun. To-morrow had come; the mysterious and lying to-morrow that lures men, disdainful of love and faith, on and on through the poignant futilities of life to the fitting reward of a grave. He counted the strokes, and gazing at the grate seemed to wait for more. Then, as if called out, left the room, walking firmly.

The clock started chiming, its deep sound resonating in the room like a huge bell ringing from far away. He counted the chimes. Twelve. A new day had started. Tomorrow had arrived; the elusive and deceptive tomorrow that draws people in, indifferent to love and faith, carrying them through the bittersweet emptiness of life to the inevitable end of a grave. He continued to count the chimes, and looking at the fireplace, seemed to expect more. Then, as if summoned, he left the room, walking confidently.

When outside he heard footsteps in the hall and stood still. A bolt was shot—then another. They were locking up—shutting out his desire and his deception from the indignant criticism of a world full of noble gifts for those who proclaim themselves without stain and without reproach. He was safe; and on all sides of his dwelling servile fears and servile hopes slept, dreaming of success, behind the severe discretion of doors as impenetrable to the truth within as the granite of tombstones. A lock snapped—a short chain rattled. Nobody shall know!

When he was outside, he heard footsteps in the hall and froze. A bolt was shot—then another. They were locking up—shutting away his desires and lies from the harsh judgment of a world full of noble gifts for those who present themselves as pure and above reproach. He was safe; and all around his home, obedient fears and hopes slept, dreaming of success, hidden behind the strict confidentiality of doors as impenetrable to the truth inside as the granite of tombstones. A lock clicked—a short chain rattled. No one will know!

Why was this assurance of safety heavier than a burden of fear, and why the day that began presented itself obstinately like the last day of all—like a to-day without a to-morrow? Yet nothing was changed, for nobody would know; and all would go on as before—the getting, the enjoying, the blessing of hunger that is appeased every day; the noble incentives of unappeasable ambitions. All—all the blessings of life. All—but the certitude immaterial and precious—the certitude of love and faith. He believed the shadow of it had been with him as long as he could remember; that invisible presence had ruled his life. And now the shadow had appeared and faded he could not extinguish his longing for the truth of its substance. His desire of it was naive; it was masterful like the material aspirations that are the groundwork of existence, but, unlike these, it was unconquerable. It was the subtle despotism of an idea that suffers no rivals, that is lonely, inconsolable, and dangerous. He went slowly up the stairs. Nobody shall know. The days would go on and he would go far—very far. If the idea could not be mastered, fortune could be, man could be—the whole world. He was dazzled by the greatness of the prospect; the brutality of a practical instinct shouted to him that only that which could be had was worth having. He lingered on the steps. The lights were out in the hall, and a small yellow flame flitted about down there. He felt a sudden contempt for himself which braced him up. He went on, but at the door of their room and with his arm advanced to open it, he faltered. On the flight of stairs below the head of the girl who had been locking up appeared. His arm fell. He thought, “I’ll wait till she is gone”—and stepped back within the perpendicular folds of a portiere.

Why did this promise of safety feel heavier than the weight of fear, and why did the day that began seem stubbornly like the last day ever—a today without a tomorrow? Yet nothing had changed, because no one would know; everything would continue as before—the getting, the enjoying, the satisfying of daily hunger; the noble drives of never-ending ambitions. All—all the blessings of life. All—but the intangible and precious certainty—the certainty of love and faith. He believed that its shadow had been with him for as long as he could remember; that invisible presence had governed his life. And now that the shadow had appeared and faded, he couldn't shake his longing for the truth of its essence. His desire for it was simple; it was powerful like the material dreams that form the basis of existence, but, unlike those, it was unbeatable. It was the subtle dominance of an idea that couldn't tolerate competition, that was lonely, inconsolable, and dangerous. He walked slowly up the stairs. No one shall know. The days would keep going on and he would go far—very far. If the idea couldn’t be controlled, perhaps fortune could be, or man could be—the whole world. He was dazzled by the vastness of the possibility; the harsh reality of a practical instinct shouted to him that only what could be had was worth having. He paused on the steps. The lights were off in the hall, and a small yellow flame was flickering down there. Suddenly, he felt a wave of self-contempt that strengthened him. He pressed on, but at the door of their room, with his arm raised to open it, he hesitated. On the stairway below, the girl who had been locking up appeared. His arm dropped. He thought, “I’ll wait until she’s gone”—and stepped back into the shadow of a curtain.

He saw her come up gradually, as if ascending from a well. At every step the feeble flame of the candle swayed before her tired, young face, and the darkness of the hall seemed to cling to her black skirt, followed her, rising like a silent flood, as though the great night of the world had broken through the discreet reserve of walls, of closed doors, of curtained windows. It rose over the steps, it leaped up the walls like an angry wave, it flowed over the blue skies, over the yellow sands, over the sunshine of landscapes, and over the pretty pathos of ragged innocence and of meek starvation. It swallowed up the delicious idyll in a boat and the mutilated immortality of famous bas-reliefs. It flowed from outside—it rose higher, in a destructive silence. And, above it, the woman of marble, composed and blind on the high pedestal, seemed to ward off the devouring night with a cluster of lights.

He watched her make her way up slowly, almost as if she were coming up from a well. With every step, the flickering candlelight danced in front of her tired, young face, while the darkness of the hall appeared to cling to her black skirt, following her like a rising tide, as if the vast night had broken through the careful barriers of walls, closed doors, and curtained windows. It swelled over the steps, surged up the walls like an angry wave, and spread over the blue skies, yellow sands, and the sunny landscapes, and over the poignant charm of tattered innocence and quiet hunger. It consumed the lovely scene on a boat and the damaged immortality of famous bas-reliefs. It came from outside—it rose higher in a silent destruction. And above it, the marble woman, poised and blind on the high pedestal, seemed to fend off the consuming night with a cluster of lights.

He watched the rising tide of impenetrable gloom with impatience, as if anxious for the coming of a darkness black enough to conceal a shameful surrender. It came nearer. The cluster of lights went out. The girl ascended facing him. Behind her the shadow of a colossal woman danced lightly on the wall. He held his breath while she passed by, noiseless and with heavy eyelids. And on her track the flowing tide of a tenebrous sea filled the house, seemed to swirl about his feet, and rising unchecked, closed silently above his head.

He watched the rising tide of thick darkness with impatience, as if eager for a night dark enough to hide his shameful defeat. It got closer. The cluster of lights went out. The girl walked up to him. Behind her, the shadow of a huge woman danced lightly on the wall. He held his breath as she passed by, silent and with heavy eyelids. And in her wake, the flowing tide of a dark sea filled the house, seemed to swirl around his feet, and rising steadily, closed silently above his head.

The time had come but he did not open the door. All was still; and instead of surrendering to the reasonable exigencies of life he stepped out, with a rebelling heart, into the darkness of the house. It was the abode of an impenetrable night; as though indeed the last day had come and gone, leaving him alone in a darkness that has no to-morrow. And looming vaguely below the woman of marble, livid and still like a patient phantom, held out in the night a cluster of extinguished lights.

The time had come, but he didn’t open the door. Everything was quiet; and instead of giving in to the practical demands of life, he stepped out, with a defiant heart, into the darkness of the house. It was filled with an unbreakable night; as if the last day had come and gone, leaving him alone in a darkness that had no tomorrow. And vaguely looming below, the woman of marble, pale and motionless like a ghostly figure, held out a cluster of dead lights into the night.

His obedient thought traced for him the image of an uninterrupted life, the dignity and the advantages of an uninterrupted success; while his rebellious heart beat violently within his breast, as if maddened by the desire of a certitude immaterial and precious—the certitude of love and faith. What of the night within his dwelling if outside he could find the sunshine in which men sow, in which men reap! Nobody would know. The days, the years would pass, and . . . He remembered that he had loved her. The years would pass . . . And then he thought of her as we think of the dead—in a tender immensity of regret, in a passionate longing for the return of idealized perfections. He had loved her—he had loved her—and he never knew the truth . . . The years would pass in the anguish of doubt . . . He remembered her smile, her eyes, her voice, her silence, as though he had lost her forever. The years would pass and he would always mistrust her smile, suspect her eyes; he would always misbelieve her voice, he would never have faith in her silence. She had no gift—she had no gift! What was she? Who was she? . . . The years would pass; the memory of this hour would grow faint—and she would share the material serenity of an unblemished life. She had no love and no faith for any one. To give her your thought, your belief, was like whispering your confession over the edge of the world. Nothing came back—not even an echo.

His obedient mind pictured a life without interruptions, the dignity and benefits of constant success; while his rebellious heart thumped wildly in his chest, as if driven mad by the longing for an immaterial and precious certainty—the certainty of love and faith. What did it matter how dark it was inside his home if outside he could find the sunshine where people sow and reap? Nobody would know. Days and years would go by, and... He remembered that he had loved her. The years would go by... And then he thought of her as we think of the dead—in a tender space of regret, in a passionate yearning for the return of idealized qualities. He had loved her—he had loved her—and he never knew the truth... The years would go by in the agony of doubt... He remembered her smile, her eyes, her voice, her silence, as if he had lost her forever. The years would go by, and he would always be suspicious of her smile, doubtful of her eyes; he would always disbelieve her voice, he would never trust her silence. She had no gift—she had no gift! What was she? Who was she?... The years would pass; the memory of this moment would fade—and she would experience the material peace of an unblemished life. She had no love and no faith for anyone. To give her your thoughts, your belief, was like whispering your confession over the edge of the world. Nothing came back—not even an echo.

In the pain of that thought was born his conscience; not that fear of remorse which grows slowly, and slowly decays amongst the complicated facts of life, but a Divine wisdom springing full-grown, armed and severe out of a tried heart, to combat the secret baseness of motives. It came to him in a flash that morality is not a method of happiness. The revelation was terrible. He saw at once that nothing of what he knew mattered in the least. The acts of men and women, success, humiliation, dignity, failure—nothing mattered. It was not a question of more or less pain, of this joy, of that sorrow. It was a question of truth or falsehood—it was a question of life or death.

In the pain of that thought, his conscience was born; not the slow-growing fear of remorse that fades among life's complicated realities, but a Divine wisdom that sprang fully formed, armed and severe, from a tested heart to fight against the hidden dishonesty of motives. It hit him suddenly that morality isn’t a way to happiness. The realization was overwhelming. He immediately understood that nothing he knew mattered at all. The actions of men and women, success, humiliation, dignity, failure—none of it mattered. It wasn’t about experiencing more or less pain, or this joy versus that sorrow. It was about truth or lies—it was a matter of life or death.

He stood in the revealing night—in the darkness that tries the hearts, in the night useless for the work of men, but in which their gaze, undazzled by the sunshine of covetous days, wanders sometimes as far as the stars. The perfect stillness around him had something solemn in it, but he felt it was the lying solemnity of a temple devoted to the rites of a debasing persuasion. The silence within the discreet walls was eloquent of safety but it appeared to him exciting and sinister, like the discretion of a profitable infamy; it was the prudent peace of a den of coiners—of a house of ill-fame! The years would pass—and nobody would know. Never! Not till death—not after . . .

He stood in the revealing night—in the darkness that tests the hearts, in the night that offers no help for the work of people, but where their gaze, undazzled by the bright light of greedy days, sometimes wanders as far as the stars. The complete stillness around him felt solemn, but he sensed it was the false solemnity of a temple dedicated to the rituals of a degrading belief. The silence within the discreet walls spoke of safety, but to him it felt thrilling and ominous, like the discretion of a profitable scandal; it was the cautious calm of a den of counterfeiters—of a brothel! Years would go by—and no one would ever know. Never! Not until death—not after . . .

“Never!” he said aloud to the revealing night.

“Never!” he shouted into the open night.

And he hesitated. The secret of hearts, too terrible for the timid eyes of men, shall return, veiled forever, to the Inscrutable Creator of good and evil, to the Master of doubts and impulses. His conscience was born—he heard its voice, and he hesitated, ignoring the strength within, the fateful power, the secret of his heart! It was an awful sacrifice to cast all one’s life into the flame of a new belief. He wanted help against himself, against the cruel decree of salvation. The need of tacit complicity, where it had never failed him, the habit of years affirmed itself. Perhaps she would help . . . He flung the door open and rushed in like a fugitive.

And he hesitated. The secret of hearts, too intense for the fearful eyes of people, would return, hidden forever, to the Mysterious Creator of good and evil, to the Master of doubts and desires. His conscience awakened—he heard its voice, and he hesitated, disregarding the strength within, the fateful power, the secret of his heart! It was a terrible sacrifice to throw away an entire life for a new belief. He sought help against himself, against the harsh decree of salvation. The need for silent complicity, which had never let him down, reasserted itself after years of habit. Maybe she would help... He threw the door open and hurried in like a runaway.

He was in the middle of the room before he could see anything but the dazzling brilliance of the light; and then, as if detached and floating in it on the level of his eyes, appeared the head of a woman. She had jumped up when he burst into the room.

He was in the middle of the room before he could see anything but the dazzling brightness of the light; then, as if it were separate and hovering at eye level, the head of a woman appeared. She had jumped up when he rushed into the room.

For a moment they contemplated each other as if struck dumb with amazement. Her hair streaming on her shoulders glinted like burnished gold. He looked into the unfathomable candour of her eyes. Nothing within—nothing—nothing.

For a moment, they stared at each other, speechless with surprise. Her hair fell over her shoulders, shining like polished gold. He gazed into the deep honesty of her eyes. Nothing inside—nothing—nothing.

He stammered distractedly.

He stammered nervously.

“I want . . . I want . . . to . . . to . . . know . . .”

“I want... I want... to... to... know...”

On the candid light of the eyes flitted shadows; shadows of doubt, of suspicion, the ready suspicion of an unquenchable antagonism, the pitiless mistrust of an eternal instinct of defence; the hate, the profound, frightened hate of an incomprehensible—of an abominable emotion intruding its coarse materialism upon the spiritual and tragic contest of her feelings.

In the open light of her eyes, shadows danced; shadows of doubt, of suspicion, an ever-present wariness against an unending hostility, the harsh mistrust that comes from a deep instinct to defend herself; the hate, the deep, scared hate of something incomprehensible—of a terrible emotion forcing its crude reality into the spiritual and tragic struggle of her feelings.

“Alvan . . . I won’t bear this . . .” She began to pant suddenly, “I’ve a right—a right to—to—myself . . .”

“Alvan . . . I can’t handle this . . .” She started to breathe heavily, “I have a right—a right to—to—myself . . .”

He lifted one arm, and appeared so menacing that she stopped in a fright and shrank back a little.

He raised one arm and looked so threatening that she froze in fear and backed away slightly.

He stood with uplifted hand . . . The years would pass—and he would have to live with that unfathomable candour where flit shadows of suspicions and hate . . . The years would pass—and he would never know—never trust . . . The years would pass without faith and love. . . .

He stood with his hand raised... The years would go by—and he would have to live with that deep honesty where shadows of doubt and hate flicker... The years would go by—and he would never know—never trust... The years would pass without faith and love...

“Can you stand it?” he shouted, as though she could have heard all his thoughts.

“Can you handle it?” he shouted, as if she could hear all his thoughts.

He looked menacing. She thought of violence, of danger—and, just for an instant, she doubted whether there were splendours enough on earth to pay the price of such a brutal experience. He cried again:

He looked threatening. She thought of violence, of danger—and, for just a moment, she questioned whether there were enough wonders in the world to justify enduring such a harsh experience. He shouted again:

“Can you stand it?” and glared as if insane. Her eyes blazed, too. She could not hear the appalling clamour of his thoughts. She suspected in him a sudden regret, a fresh fit of jealousy, a dishonest desire of evasion. She shouted back angrily—

“Can you take it?” and glared as if she had lost her mind. Her eyes were on fire, too. She couldn’t hear the horrible noise of his thoughts. She sensed in him a sudden regret, a new wave of jealousy, an insincere urge to escape. She shouted back angrily—

“Yes!”

“Absolutely!”

He was shaken where he stood as if by a struggle to break out of invisible bonds. She trembled from head to foot.

He stood there, shaken as if he was trying to break free from invisible chains. She shook all over.

“Well, I can’t!” He flung both his arms out, as if to push her away, and strode from the room. The door swung to with a click. She made three quick steps towards it and stood still, looking at the white and gold panels. No sound came from beyond, not a whisper, not a sigh; not even a footstep was heard outside on the thick carpet. It was as though no sooner gone he had suddenly expired—as though he had died there and his body had vanished on the instant together with his soul. She listened, with parted lips and irresolute eyes. Then below, far below her, as if in the entrails of the earth, a door slammed heavily; and the quiet house vibrated to it from roof to foundations, more than to a clap of thunder.

“Well, I can’t!” He threw both arms out like he was trying to push her away and walked out of the room. The door clicked shut behind him. She took three quick steps toward it and stopped, staring at the white and gold panels. There was no sound from outside, not a whisper, not a sigh; not even a footstep could be heard on the thick carpet. It felt as if he had just left and suddenly vanished—like he had died right there, and his body disappeared along with his soul. She listened, her lips parted and her eyes uncertain. Then, far below her, as if in the depths of the earth, a door slammed shut with a heavy thud; the quiet house vibrated with it from top to bottom, more than it would have with a clap of thunder.

He never returned.

He never came back.





THE LAGOON

The white man, leaning with both arms over the roof of the little house in the stern of the boat, said to the steersman—

The white man, leaning on the roof of the small house at the back of the boat with both arms, said to the steersman—

“We will pass the night in Arsat’s clearing. It is late.”

“We'll spend the night in Arsat's clearing. It's getting late.”

The Malay only grunted, and went on looking fixedly at the river. The white man rested his chin on his crossed arms and gazed at the wake of the boat. At the end of the straight avenue of forests cut by the intense glitter of the river, the sun appeared unclouded and dazzling, poised low over the water that shone smoothly like a band of metal. The forests, sombre and dull, stood motionless and silent on each side of the broad stream. At the foot of big, towering trees, trunkless nipa palms rose from the mud of the bank, in bunches of leaves enormous and heavy, that hung unstirring over the brown swirl of eddies. In the stillness of the air every tree, every leaf, every bough, every tendril of creeper and every petal of minute blossoms seemed to have been bewitched into an immobility perfect and final. Nothing moved on the river but the eight paddles that rose flashing regularly, dipped together with a single splash; while the steersman swept right and left with a periodic and sudden flourish of his blade describing a glinting semicircle above his head. The churned-up water frothed alongside with a confused murmur. And the white man’s canoe, advancing upstream in the short-lived disturbance of its own making, seemed to enter the portals of a land from which the very memory of motion had forever departed.

The Malay just grunted and continued staring intently at the river. The white man rested his chin on his crossed arms and watched the wake of the boat. At the end of the straight path of forests cut by the bright shimmer of the river, the sun appeared, clear and dazzling, hanging low over the water that gleamed smoothly like a strip of metal. The forests, dark and dull, stood still and silent on either side of the wide stream. At the base of large, towering trees, trunkless nipa palms rose from the muddy bank, their massive leafy bunches hanging still over the brown swirl of eddies. In the stillness of the air, every tree, every leaf, every branch, every tendril of vine, and every tiny blossom seemed to be enchanted into an immobility that was perfect and timeless. The only movement on the river came from the eight paddles that rose and sparkled regularly, dipping together with a single splash; while the steersman swept his blade from side to side with an occasional sudden flourish, creating a shining semicircle above his head. The churning water frothed alongside with a soft murmur. And the white man’s canoe, moving upstream in the brief turbulence it created, seemed to enter a land where even the memory of movement had forever vanished.

The white man, turning his back upon the setting sun, looked along the empty and broad expanse of the sea-reach. For the last three miles of its course the wandering, hesitating river, as if enticed irresistibly by the freedom of an open horizon, flows straight into the sea, flows straight to the east—to the east that harbours both light and darkness. Astern of the boat the repeated call of some bird, a cry discordant and feeble, skipped along over the smooth water and lost itself, before it could reach the other shore, in the breathless silence of the world.

The white man, facing away from the setting sun, gazed out over the vast and empty sea. For the last three miles of its journey, the wandering, uncertain river, as if drawn inescapably by the freedom of the open horizon, flows directly into the sea, flowing straight east—to the east that holds both light and darkness. Behind the boat, a bird's faint and jarring call echoed across the calm water, fading away before it could reach the other shore, swallowed by the stillness of the world.

The steersman dug his paddle into the stream, and held hard with stiffened arms, his body thrown forward. The water gurgled aloud; and suddenly the long straight reach seemed to pivot on its centre, the forests swung in a semicircle, and the slanting beams of sunset touched the broadside of the canoe with a fiery glow, throwing the slender and distorted shadows of its crew upon the streaked glitter of the river. The white man turned to look ahead. The course of the boat had been altered at right-angles to the stream, and the carved dragon-head of its prow was pointing now at a gap in the fringing bushes of the bank. It glided through, brushing the overhanging twigs, and disappeared from the river like some slim and amphibious creature leaving the water for its lair in the forests.

The steersman plunged his paddle into the stream and braced himself with tense arms, leaning forward. The water gurgled loudly, and suddenly the long, straight stretch seemed to pivot at its center; the trees swung in a semicircle, and the sunlight cast a fiery glow on the side of the canoe, creating long, distorted shadows of its crew across the shimmering surface of the river. The white man turned to look ahead. The boat's direction had shifted to a right angle against the stream, and the carved dragon head at the front was now facing a gap in the bushes along the bank. It glided through, brushing against the overhanging branches, and vanished from the river like a slender, amphibious creature leaving the water to return to its den in the woods.

The narrow creek was like a ditch: tortuous, fabulously deep; filled with gloom under the thin strip of pure and shining blue of the heaven. Immense trees soared up, invisible behind the festooned draperies of creepers. Here and there, near the glistening blackness of the water, a twisted root of some tall tree showed amongst the tracery of small ferns, black and dull, writhing and motionless, like an arrested snake. The short words of the paddlers reverberated loudly between the thick and sombre walls of vegetation. Darkness oozed out from between the trees, through the tangled maze of the creepers, from behind the great fantastic and unstirring leaves; the darkness, mysterious and invincible; the darkness scented and poisonous of impenetrable forests.

The narrow creek was like a ditch: winding, incredibly deep; filled with gloom under the thin strip of clear, bright blue sky. Huge trees towered above, hidden behind the tangled vines. Here and there, near the glossy black water, a twisted root of some tall tree peeked out among the pattern of small ferns, dark and dull, coiled and still, like a frozen snake. The short shouts of the paddlers echoed loudly between the thick and gloomy walls of vegetation. Darkness seeped out from between the trees, through the tangled mess of the vines, from behind the enormous, strange, and unmoving leaves; the darkness, mysterious and overpowering; the darkness, scented and toxic, of impenetrable forests.

The men poled in the shoaling water. The creek broadened, opening out into a wide sweep of a stagnant lagoon. The forests receded from the marshy bank, leaving a level strip of bright green, reedy grass to frame the reflected blueness of the sky. A fleecy pink cloud drifted high above, trailing the delicate colouring of its image under the floating leaves and the silvery blossoms of the lotus. A little house, perched on high piles, appeared black in the distance. Near it, two tall nibong palms, that seemed to have come out of the forests in the background, leaned slightly over the ragged roof, with a suggestion of sad tenderness and care in the droop of their leafy and soaring heads.

The men paddled through the shallow water. The creek widened, leading into a large, stagnant lagoon. The forests pulled back from the marshy bank, leaving a flat strip of bright green, grassy reeds that framed the blue reflection of the sky. A fluffy pink cloud floated high above, casting delicate colors beneath the floating leaves and silvery lotus flowers. In the distance, a small house on tall stilts appeared black. Nearby, two tall nibong palms, as if they had stepped out from the background forests, leaned slightly over the uneven roof, exuding a sense of gentle sadness and care in the droop of their leafy tops.

The steersman, pointing with his paddle, said, “Arsat is there. I see his canoe fast between the piles.”

The steersman, pointing with his paddle, said, “Arsat is over there. I see his canoe secured between the posts.”

The polers ran along the sides of the boat glancing over their shoulders at the end of the day’s journey. They would have preferred to spend the night somewhere else than on this lagoon of weird aspect and ghostly reputation. Moreover, they disliked Arsat, first as a stranger, and also because he who repairs a ruined house, and dwells in it, proclaims that he is not afraid to live amongst the spirits that haunt the places abandoned by mankind. Such a man can disturb the course of fate by glances or words; while his familiar ghosts are not easy to propitiate by casual wayfarers upon whom they long to wreak the malice of their human master. White men care not for such things, being unbelievers and in league with the Father of Evil, who leads them unharmed through the invisible dangers of this world. To the warnings of the righteous they oppose an offensive pretence of disbelief. What is there to be done?

The polemen ran along the sides of the boat, looking back at the end of the day's journey. They would have preferred to spend the night anywhere but this lagoon, which had an odd appearance and a spooky reputation. Additionally, they didn't like Arsat, not just because he was a stranger, but also because a person who fixes up a ruined house and lives in it shows that he isn’t scared to be among the spirits that haunt places deserted by people. Such a man can change fate with just a look or a word, and his familiar ghosts aren't easily appeased by random travelers on whom they want to unleash the anger of their human master. White men don’t care about these things; they disbelieve and seem to be in cahoots with the Father of Evil, who safely guides them through the hidden dangers of this world. When the righteous give them warnings, they respond with a show of disbelief. What can be done?

So they thought, throwing their weight on the end of their long poles. The big canoe glided on swiftly, noiselessly, and smoothly, towards Arsat’s clearing, till, in a great rattling of poles thrown down, and the loud murmurs of “Allah be praised!” it came with a gentle knock against the crooked piles below the house.

So they thought, leaning heavily on the ends of their long poles. The big canoe glided swiftly, quietly, and smoothly toward Arsat’s clearing until, with a loud clattering of poles being tossed down and the enthusiastic shouts of “Praise be to God!” it bumped gently against the crooked piles beneath the house.

The boatmen with uplifted faces shouted discordantly, “Arsat! O Arsat!” Nobody came. The white man began to climb the rude ladder giving access to the bamboo platform before the house. The juragan of the boat said sulkily, “We will cook in the sampan, and sleep on the water.”

The boatmen with raised faces shouted out of tune, “Arsat! O Arsat!” Nobody responded. The white man started to climb the rough ladder that led to the bamboo platform in front of the house. The boat’s captain said grumpily, “We’ll cook in the canoe and sleep on the water.”

“Pass my blankets and the basket,” said the white man, curtly.

"Give me my blankets and the basket," the white man said abruptly.

He knelt on the edge of the platform to receive the bundle. Then the boat shoved off, and the white man, standing up, confronted Arsat, who had come out through the low door of his hut. He was a man young, powerful, with broad chest and muscular arms. He had nothing on but his sarong. His head was bare. His big, soft eyes stared eagerly at the white man, but his voice and demeanour were composed as he asked, without any words of greeting—

He knelt at the edge of the platform to accept the bundle. Then the boat pushed off, and the white man, standing tall, faced Arsat, who had stepped out through the low door of his hut. Arsat was young and strong, with a broad chest and muscular arms. He wore only his sarong, and his head was uncovered. His big, soft eyes looked eagerly at the white man, but his voice and demeanor were calm as he asked, without any words of greeting—

“Have you medicine, Tuan?”

“Do you have medicine, Tuan?”

“No,” said the visitor in a startled tone. “No. Why? Is there sickness in the house?”

“No,” said the visitor, sounding surprised. “No. Why? Is someone in the house sick?”

“Enter and see,” replied Arsat, in the same calm manner, and turning short round, passed again through the small doorway. The white man, dropping his bundles, followed.

“Come in and take a look,” Arsat replied, still calm, and quickly turned around to go back through the small doorway. The white man, dropping his bags, followed him.

In the dim light of the dwelling he made out on a couch of bamboos a woman stretched on her back under a broad sheet of red cotton cloth. She lay still, as if dead; but her big eyes, wide open, glittered in the gloom, staring upwards at the slender rafters, motionless and unseeing. She was in a high fever, and evidently unconscious. Her cheeks were sunk slightly, her lips were partly open, and on the young face there was the ominous and fixed expression—the absorbed, contemplating expression of the unconscious who are going to die. The two men stood looking down at her in silence.

In the dim light of the house, he noticed a woman stretched out on a bamboo couch, lying on her back beneath a large red cotton cloth. She lay still, almost lifeless; but her large eyes, wide open, sparkled in the darkness, staring blankly up at the slender rafters, unmoving and unseeing. She was running a high fever and seemed completely unaware of her surroundings. Her cheeks were slightly sunken, her lips were partially parted, and her young face had a troubling, fixed expression—the vacant, contemplative look of someone who might be about to die. The two men stood silently, gazing down at her.

“Has she been long ill?” asked the traveller.

“Has she been sick for a long time?” asked the traveler.

“I have not slept for five nights,” answered the Malay, in a deliberate tone. “At first she heard voices calling her from the water and struggled against me who held her. But since the sun of to-day rose she hears nothing—she hears not me. She sees nothing. She sees not me—me!”

“I haven’t slept in five nights,” the Malay replied seriously. “At first, she heard voices calling her from the water and fought against me while I held her. But since the sun rose today, she hears nothing—she doesn’t hear me. She sees nothing. She doesn’t see me—me!”

He remained silent for a minute, then asked softly—

He stayed quiet for a minute, then asked softly—

“Tuan, will she die?”

“Tuan, is she going to die?”

“I fear so,” said the white man, sorrowfully. He had known Arsat years ago, in a far country in times of trouble and danger, when no friendship is to be despised. And since his Malay friend had come unexpectedly to dwell in the hut on the lagoon with a strange woman, he had slept many times there, in his journeys up and down the river. He liked the man who knew how to keep faith in council and how to fight without fear by the side of his white friend. He liked him—not so much perhaps as a man likes his favourite dog—but still he liked him well enough to help and ask no questions, to think sometimes vaguely and hazily in the midst of his own pursuits, about the lonely man and the long-haired woman with audacious face and triumphant eyes, who lived together hidden by the forests—alone and feared.

“I’m afraid so,” said the white man, sadly. He had known Arsat years ago in a distant land during times of trouble and danger, when no friendship should be taken for granted. Since his Malay friend had unexpectedly come to live in the hut by the lagoon with a strange woman, he had stayed there many times during his travels up and down the river. He respected the man who knew how to keep his word in discussions and who could fight fearlessly alongside his white friend. He liked him—not quite like a man likes his favorite dog—but still enough to help without asking questions, occasionally thinking vaguely and hazily about the lonely man and the long-haired woman with a bold face and triumphant eyes, who lived together hidden in the forests—alone and feared.

The white man came out of the hut in time to see the enormous conflagration of sunset put out by the swift and stealthy shadows that, rising like a black and impalpable vapour above the tree-tops, spread over the heaven, extinguishing the crimson glow of floating clouds and the red brilliance of departing daylight. In a few moments all the stars came out above the intense blackness of the earth and the great lagoon gleaming suddenly with reflected lights resembled an oval patch of night sky flung down into the hopeless and abysmal night of the wilderness. The white man had some supper out of the basket, then collecting a few sticks that lay about the platform, made up a small fire, not for warmth, but for the sake of the smoke, which would keep off the mosquitos. He wrapped himself in the blankets and sat with his back against the reed wall of the house, smoking thoughtfully.

The white man stepped out of the hut just in time to see the huge sunset swallowed by the quick and stealthy shadows that, rising like a dark and insubstantial mist above the tree-tops, spread across the sky, snuffing out the crimson glow of the clouds and the bright red of the fading daylight. In just a few moments, all the stars appeared above the deep blackness of the earth, and the large lagoon, suddenly gleaming with reflected light, looked like an oval patch of night sky dropped down into the endless and dark wilderness. The white man had some supper from the basket, then gathered a few sticks lying around the platform and made a small fire, not for heat, but to create smoke that would keep the mosquitoes away. He wrapped himself in blankets and sat with his back against the reed wall of the house, smoking thoughtfully.

Arsat came through the doorway with noiseless steps and squatted down by the fire. The white man moved his outstretched legs a little.

Arsat came in quietly and sat down by the fire. The white man shifted his legs slightly.

“She breathes,” said Arsat in a low voice, anticipating the expected question. “She breathes and burns as if with a great fire. She speaks not; she hears not—and burns!”

“She breathes,” Arsat said quietly, anticipating the question that was about to come. “She breathes and burns as if there’s a huge fire inside her. She doesn’t speak; she doesn’t hear—and burns!”

He paused for a moment, then asked in a quiet, incurious tone—

He paused for a moment, then asked in a soft, uninterested tone—

“Tuan . . . will she die?”

“Tuan . . . is she going to die?”

The white man moved his shoulders uneasily and muttered in a hesitating manner—

The white man shifted his shoulders uncomfortably and mumbled in a hesitant way—

“If such is her fate.”

"If that's her fate."

“No, Tuan,” said Arsat, calmly. “If such is my fate. I hear, I see, I wait. I remember . . . Tuan, do you remember the old days? Do you remember my brother?”

“No, Tuan,” Arsat said calmly. “If that’s my fate, then so be it. I hear, I see, I wait. I remember... Tuan, do you remember the old days? Do you remember my brother?”

“Yes,” said the white man. The Malay rose suddenly and went in. The other, sitting still outside, could hear the voice in the hut. Arsat said: “Hear me! Speak!” His words were succeeded by a complete silence. “O Diamelen!” he cried, suddenly. After that cry there was a deep sigh. Arsat came out and sank down again in his old place.

“Yes,” said the white man. The Malay suddenly stood up and went inside. The other, sitting still outside, could hear the voice in the hut. Arsat said, “Listen to me! Talk!” His words were followed by total silence. “O Diamelen!” he cried suddenly. After that cry, there was a deep sigh. Arsat came out and sank down again in his old spot.

They sat in silence before the fire. There was no sound within the house, there was no sound near them; but far away on the lagoon they could hear the voices of the boatmen ringing fitful and distinct on the calm water. The fire in the bows of the sampan shone faintly in the distance with a hazy red glow. Then it died out. The voices ceased. The land and the water slept invisible, unstirring and mute. It was as though there had been nothing left in the world but the glitter of stars streaming, ceaseless and vain, through the black stillness of the night.

They sat quietly by the fire. There was no sound in the house, no sound around them; but far off on the lagoon, they could hear the boatmen's voices echoing softly and clearly on the calm water. The fire in the front of the sampan flickered faintly in the distance, casting a hazy red glow. Then it went out. The voices stopped. The land and water were still, unseen, and silent. It felt like nothing remained in the world but the twinkling stars flowing endlessly and futilely through the dark stillness of the night.

The white man gazed straight before him into the darkness with wide-open eyes. The fear and fascination, the inspiration and the wonder of death—of death near, unavoidable, and unseen, soothed the unrest of his race and stirred the most indistinct, the most intimate of his thoughts. The ever-ready suspicion of evil, the gnawing suspicion that lurks in our hearts, flowed out into the stillness round him—into the stillness profound and dumb, and made it appear untrustworthy and infamous, like the placid and impenetrable mask of an unjustifiable violence. In that fleeting and powerful disturbance of his being the earth enfolded in the starlight peace became a shadowy country of inhuman strife, a battle-field of phantoms terrible and charming, august or ignoble, struggling ardently for the possession of our helpless hearts. An unquiet and mysterious country of inextinguishable desires and fears.

The white man stared straight ahead into the darkness with wide eyes. The fear and fascination, the inspiration and wonder of death—of death that was close, inevitable, and unseen—calmed the restlessness of his people and stirred the most vague, the most personal of his thoughts. The ever-present suspicion of evil, the gnawing doubt that lives in our hearts, spilled into the silence around him—into the deep and mute stillness, making it seem untrustworthy and infamous, like the calm and impenetrable facade of unjust violence. In that brief and intense disturbance of his being, the earth wrapped in starlight peace turned into a shadowy land of inhuman conflict, a battlefield of terrifying and alluring phantoms, noble or base, fiercely struggling for control of our helpless hearts. An uneasy and mysterious land of unquenchable desires and fears.

A plaintive murmur rose in the night; a murmur saddening and startling, as if the great solitudes of surrounding woods had tried to whisper into his ear the wisdom of their immense and lofty indifference. Sounds hesitating and vague floated in the air round him, shaped themselves slowly into words; and at last flowed on gently in a murmuring stream of soft and monotonous sentences. He stirred like a man waking up and changed his position slightly. Arsat, motionless and shadowy, sitting with bowed head under the stars, was speaking in a low and dreamy tone—

A sad whisper rose in the night; a whisper that felt both depressing and alarming, as if the vast emptiness of the surrounding woods was trying to share the wisdom of their immense and detached indifference. Hesitant and unclear sounds floated in the air around him, gradually forming into words; and eventually, they flowed softly in a gentle stream of monotonous sentences. He stirred like someone waking up and slightly shifted his position. Arsat, still and shadowy, sat with his head bowed under the stars, speaking in a low and dreamy voice—

“. . . for where can we lay down the heaviness of our trouble but in a friend’s heart? A man must speak of war and of love. You, Tuan, know what war is, and you have seen me in time of danger seek death as other men seek life! A writing may be lost; a lie may be written; but what the eye has seen is truth and remains in the mind!”

“. . . for where can we unload the weight of our troubles but in a friend’s heart? A person must talk about war and love. You, Tuan, know what war is, and you’ve seen me in times of danger seek death like other men seek life! A written account may be lost; a lie may be told; but what the eye has witnessed is truth and stays in the mind!”

“I remember,” said the white man, quietly. Arsat went on with mournful composure—

“I remember,” said the white man, quietly. Arsat continued with a sad calmness—

“Therefore I shall speak to you of love. Speak in the night. Speak before both night and love are gone—and the eye of day looks upon my sorrow and my shame; upon my blackened face; upon my burnt-up heart.”

“Therefore, I’m going to talk to you about love. Speak at night. Speak before both night and love are gone—and the light of day sees my sorrow and my shame; sees my darkened face; sees my scorched heart.”

A sigh, short and faint, marked an almost imperceptible pause, and then his words flowed on, without a stir, without a gesture.

A short, quiet sigh indicated a barely noticeable pause, and then his words continued on, without interruption, without any movement.

“After the time of trouble and war was over and you went away from my country in the pursuit of your desires, which we, men of the islands, cannot understand, I and my brother became again, as we had been before, the sword-bearers of the Ruler. You know we were men of family, belonging to a ruling race, and more fit than any to carry on our right shoulder the emblem of power. And in the time of prosperity Si Dendring showed us favour, as we, in time of sorrow, had showed to him the faithfulness of our courage. It was a time of peace. A time of deer-hunts and cock-fights; of idle talks and foolish squabbles between men whose bellies are full and weapons are rusty. But the sower watched the young rice-shoots grow up without fear, and the traders came and went, departed lean and returned fat into the river of peace. They brought news, too. Brought lies and truth mixed together, so that no man knew when to rejoice and when to be sorry. We heard from them about you also. They had seen you here and had seen you there. And I was glad to hear, for I remembered the stirring times, and I always remembered you, Tuan, till the time came when my eyes could see nothing in the past, because they had looked upon the one who is dying there—in the house.”

“After the time of trouble and war was over and you left my country to chase your desires, which we, people of the islands, can’t quite understand, my brother and I returned to being the sword-bearers of the Ruler, just as we had been before. You know we came from a family that belonged to a ruling lineage, and we were more suited than anyone to carry the symbol of power on our right shoulder. During the time of prosperity, Si Dendring favored us, just as we had shown him our loyalty in times of sorrow. It was a time of peace—a time for deer hunts and cockfights; for idle chatter and silly arguments among men whose bellies were full and whose weapons had grown rusty. But the farmers tended to the young rice shoots without fear, and traders came and went, leaving lean and returning plump into the river of peace. They brought news too, mixing lies with truths, leaving no one knowing when to celebrate and when to mourn. We also heard about you from them. They had seen you here and there. I was glad to hear this, as it reminded me of the exciting times, and I always thought of you, Tuan, until the moment came when I could see nothing in the past because my eyes were fixed on the one dying there—in the house.”

He stopped to exclaim in an intense whisper, “O Mara bahia! O Calamity!” then went on speaking a little louder:

He paused to say in an intense whisper, “Oh, Mara bahia! Oh, Calamity!” then continued speaking a bit louder:

“There’s no worse enemy and no better friend than a brother, Tuan, for one brother knows another, and in perfect knowledge is strength for good or evil. I loved my brother. I went to him and told him that I could see nothing but one face, hear nothing but one voice. He told me: ‘Open your heart so that she can see what is in it—and wait. Patience is wisdom. Inchi Midah may die or our Ruler may throw off his fear of a woman!’ . . . I waited! . . . You remember the lady with the veiled face, Tuan, and the fear of our Ruler before her cunning and temper. And if she wanted her servant, what could I do? But I fed the hunger of my heart on short glances and stealthy words. I loitered on the path to the bath-houses in the daytime, and when the sun had fallen behind the forest I crept along the jasmine hedges of the women’s courtyard. Unseeing, we spoke to one another through the scent of flowers, through the veil of leaves, through the blades of long grass that stood still before our lips; so great was our prudence, so faint was the murmur of our great longing. The time passed swiftly . . . and there were whispers amongst women—and our enemies watched—my brother was gloomy, and I began to think of killing and of a fierce death. . . . We are of a people who take what they want—like you whites. There is a time when a man should forget loyalty and respect. Might and authority are given to rulers, but to all men is given love and strength and courage. My brother said, ‘You shall take her from their midst. We are two who are like one.’ And I answered, ‘Let it be soon, for I find no warmth in sunlight that does not shine upon her.’ Our time came when the Ruler and all the great people went to the mouth of the river to fish by torchlight. There were hundreds of boats, and on the white sand, between the water and the forests, dwellings of leaves were built for the households of the Rajahs. The smoke of cooking-fires was like a blue mist of the evening, and many voices rang in it joyfully. While they were making the boats ready to beat up the fish, my brother came to me and said, ‘To-night!’ I looked to my weapons, and when the time came our canoe took its place in the circle of boats carrying the torches. The lights blazed on the water, but behind the boats there was darkness. When the shouting began and the excitement made them like mad we dropped out. The water swallowed our fire, and we floated back to the shore that was dark with only here and there the glimmer of embers. We could hear the talk of slave-girls amongst the sheds. Then we found a place deserted and silent. We waited there. She came. She came running along the shore, rapid and leaving no trace, like a leaf driven by the wind into the sea. My brother said gloomily, ‘Go and take her; carry her into our boat.’ I lifted her in my arms. She panted. Her heart was beating against my breast. I said, ‘I take you from those people. You came to the cry of my heart, but my arms take you into my boat against the will of the great!’ ‘It is right,’ said my brother. ‘We are men who take what we want and can hold it against many. We should have taken her in daylight.’ I said, ‘Let us be off’; for since she was in my boat I began to think of our Ruler’s many men. ‘Yes. Let us be off,’ said my brother. ‘We are cast out and this boat is our country now—and the sea is our refuge.’ He lingered with his foot on the shore, and I entreated him to hasten, for I remembered the strokes of her heart against my breast and thought that two men cannot withstand a hundred. We left, paddling downstream close to the bank; and as we passed by the creek where they were fishing, the great shouting had ceased, but the murmur of voices was loud like the humming of insects flying at noonday. The boats floated, clustered together, in the red light of torches, under a black roof of smoke; and men talked of their sport. Men that boasted, and praised, and jeered—men that would have been our friends in the morning, but on that night were already our enemies. We paddled swiftly past. We had no more friends in the country of our birth. She sat in the middle of the canoe with covered face; silent as she is now; unseeing as she is now—and I had no regret at what I was leaving because I could hear her breathing close to me—as I can hear her now.”

“There’s no worse enemy and no better friend than a brother, Tuan, because one brother understands another, and with perfect understanding comes the power for good or evil. I loved my brother. I went to him and told him that I saw nothing but one face, heard nothing but one voice. He said to me, ‘Open your heart so she can see what’s inside—and wait. Patience is wisdom. Inchi Midah might die, or our Ruler might finally stop being afraid of a woman!’ . . . I waited! . . . You remember the lady with the veiled face, Tuan, and how our Ruler feared her cunning and temper. And if she wanted her servant, what could I do? But I kept fueling the hunger in my heart with brief glances and secret words. I lingered on the path to the bathhouses during the day, and when the sun dipped behind the forest, I crept along the jasmine hedges of the women’s courtyard. Without seeing, we communicated through the scent of flowers, the veil of leaves, and the blades of long grass that stood still before our lips; our caution was great, and so was the quiet murmur of our deep longing. Time passed quickly . . . and there were whispers among the women—and our enemies watched—my brother was gloomy, and I began to think about violence and a fierce death. . . . We belong to a people who take what they want—just like you white folks. There comes a moment when a man should forget loyalty and respect. Might and authority are given to leaders, but love and strength and courage belong to all men. My brother said, ‘You will take her from them. We are two who are like one.’ And I replied, ‘Let’s do it soon, for I find no warmth in sunlight that doesn’t shine on her.’ Our moment arrived when the Ruler and all the important people went to the river’s mouth to fish by torchlight. Hundreds of boats were there, and on the white sand, between the water and the forests, huts of leaves were built for the households of the Rajahs. The smoke from cooking fires hung like a blue mist in the evening, and many voices sang out joyfully within it. While they were readying the boats to fish, my brother approached me and said, ‘Tonight!’ I checked my weapons, and when the time came, our canoe joined the circle of boats carrying the torches. The lights blazed on the water, but behind the boats, there was darkness. As the shouting started and the excitement drove them wild, we slipped away. The water extinguished our fire, and we floated back to a shore blanketed in darkness, with only the occasional glimmer of embers. We could hear the chatter of slave girls among the sheds. Then we found a deserted, quiet spot. We waited there. She came. She came running along the shore, fast and leaving no trace, like a leaf blown by the wind into the sea. My brother said gloomily, ‘Go and take her; carry her into our boat.’ I lifted her in my arms. She panted. Her heart was beating against my chest. I said, ‘I take you from those people. You came to the call of my heart, but my arms bring you into my boat against the will of the powerful!’ ‘It’s right,’ my brother said. ‘We are men who take what we want and can hold it against many. We should have taken her in the daylight.’ I said, ‘Let’s get moving’; for now that she was in my boat, I began to think of our Ruler’s many men. ‘Yes. Let’s go,’ said my brother. ‘We are outcasts, and this boat is our home now—and the sea is our refuge.’ He hesitated with his foot on the shore, and I urged him to hurry, for I remembered the thump of her heart against my chest and thought that two men couldn’t stand against a hundred. We departed, paddling downstream close to the bank; as we passed the creek where they were fishing, the loud shouting had stopped, but the murmur of voices was strong like the buzz of insects on a sunny afternoon. The boats floated close together in the red torchlight, beneath a black cloud of smoke; and men talked about their sport. Men boasting, praising, and jeering—men who would have been our friends in the morning, but on that night were already our enemies. We paddled past quickly. We no longer had friends in the land of our birth. She sat in the middle of the canoe with her face covered; silent as she is now; unseeing as she is now—and I felt no regret for what I was leaving because I could hear her breathing close to me—as I can hear her now.”

He paused, listened with his ear turned to the doorway, then shook his head and went on:

He paused, listened with his ear against the doorway, then shook his head and continued on:

“My brother wanted to shout the cry of challenge—one cry only—to let the people know we were freeborn robbers who trusted our arms and the great sea. And again I begged him in the name of our love to be silent. Could I not hear her breathing close to me? I knew the pursuit would come quick enough. My brother loved me. He dipped his paddle without a splash. He only said, ‘There is half a man in you now—the other half is in that woman. I can wait. When you are a whole man again, you will come back with me here to shout defiance. We are sons of the same mother.’ I made no answer. All my strength and all my spirit were in my hands that held the paddle—for I longed to be with her in a safe place beyond the reach of men’s anger and of women’s spite. My love was so great, that I thought it could guide me to a country where death was unknown, if I could only escape from Inchi Midah’s fury and from our Ruler’s sword. We paddled with haste, breathing through our teeth. The blades bit deep into the smooth water. We passed out of the river; we flew in clear channels amongst the shallows. We skirted the black coast; we skirted the sand beaches where the sea speaks in whispers to the land; and the gleam of white sand flashed back past our boat, so swiftly she ran upon the water. We spoke not. Only once I said, ‘Sleep, Diamelen, for soon you may want all your strength.’ I heard the sweetness of her voice, but I never turned my head. The sun rose and still we went on. Water fell from my face like rain from a cloud. We flew in the light and heat. I never looked back, but I knew that my brother’s eyes, behind me, were looking steadily ahead, for the boat went as straight as a bushman’s dart, when it leaves the end of the sumpitan. There was no better paddler, no better steersman than my brother. Many times, together, we had won races in that canoe. But we never had put out our strength as we did then—then, when for the last time we paddled together! There was no braver or stronger man in our country than my brother. I could not spare the strength to turn my head and look at him, but every moment I heard the hiss of his breath getting louder behind me. Still he did not speak. The sun was high. The heat clung to my back like a flame of fire. My ribs were ready to burst, but I could no longer get enough air into my chest. And then I felt I must cry out with my last breath, ‘Let us rest!’ . . . ‘Good!’ he answered; and his voice was firm. He was strong. He was brave. He knew not fear and no fatigue . . . My brother!”

“My brother wanted to shout a challenge—just one shout—to let everyone know that we were freeborn robbers who relied on our strength and the vast sea. Again, I begged him out of love to remain quiet. Couldn’t he hear her breathing close to me? I knew the pursuit would come quickly enough. My brother loved me. He paddled without making a splash. He only said, ‘You’re only half a man right now—the other half is with that woman. I can wait. When you’re a whole man again, you’ll come back here to shout your defiance. We’re sons of the same mother.’ I didn’t respond. All my strength and spirit were in my hands gripping the paddle—I longed to be with her in a safe place away from men’s anger and women’s spite. My love was so strong that I believed it could lead me to a land where death didn’t exist, if only I could escape Inchi Midah’s fury and our Ruler’s sword. We paddled urgently, breathing through clenched teeth. The blades cut deep into the calm water. We left the river behind; we sped through clear channels among the shallows. We hugged the dark coast; we passed the sandy beaches where the sea whispers to the land; and the flash of white sand raced by our boat as we darted across the water. We didn’t speak. Only once I said, ‘Sleep, Diamelen, for soon you may need all your strength.’ I heard the sweetness of her voice, but I never turned my head. The sun rose, and we kept going. Water streamed down my face like rain from a cloud. We soared in the light and heat. I never looked back, but I knew my brother’s eyes, behind me, were focused straight ahead, for the boat traveled as straight as a bushman’s dart leaves the end of a spear. No one paddled better, no one steered better than my brother. Many times, we had won races together in that canoe. But we had never pushed our strength like we did then—then, when we paddled together for the last time! There was no braver or stronger man in our country than my brother. I couldn’t afford the energy to turn and look at him, but every moment I heard the hiss of his breath growing louder behind me. Still, he didn’t speak. The sun was high. The heat clung to my back like flames. My ribs felt like they were about to burst, but I could no longer draw enough air into my chest. And then I felt I had to cry out with my last breath, ‘Let us rest!’ . . . ‘Good!’ he answered; his voice was steady. He was strong. He was brave. He knew no fear and felt no fatigue . . . My brother!”

A murmur powerful and gentle, a murmur vast and faint; the murmur of trembling leaves, of stirring boughs, ran through the tangled depths of the forests, ran over the starry smoothness of the lagoon, and the water between the piles lapped the slimy timber once with a sudden splash. A breath of warm air touched the two men’s faces and passed on with a mournful sound—a breath loud and short like an uneasy sigh of the dreaming earth.

A soft, powerful murmur, vast yet faint; the sound of trembling leaves and rustling branches flowed through the tangled woods, glided over the smooth, starry surface of the lagoon, and the water between the piles splashed suddenly against the slimy timber. A warm breeze brushed the faces of the two men and moved on with a mournful sound—a brief burst like an uncomfortable sigh from the dreaming earth.

Arsat went on in an even, low voice.

Arsat continued in a calm, quiet voice.

“We ran our canoe on the white beach of a little bay close to a long tongue of land that seemed to bar our road; a long wooded cape going far into the sea. My brother knew that place. Beyond the cape a river has its entrance, and through the jungle of that land there is a narrow path. We made a fire and cooked rice. Then we lay down to sleep on the soft sand in the shade of our canoe, while she watched. No sooner had I closed my eyes than I heard her cry of alarm. We leaped up. The sun was halfway down the sky already, and coming in sight in the opening of the bay we saw a prau manned by many paddlers. We knew it at once; it was one of our Rajah’s praus. They were watching the shore, and saw us. They beat the gong, and turned the head of the prau into the bay. I felt my heart become weak within my breast. Diamelen sat on the sand and covered her face. There was no escape by sea. My brother laughed. He had the gun you had given him, Tuan, before you went away, but there was only a handful of powder. He spoke to me quickly: ‘Run with her along the path. I shall keep them back, for they have no firearms, and landing in the face of a man with a gun is certain death for some. Run with her. On the other side of that wood there is a fisherman’s house—and a canoe. When I have fired all the shots I will follow. I am a great runner, and before they can come up we shall be gone. I will hold out as long as I can, for she is but a woman—that can neither run nor fight, but she has your heart in her weak hands.’ He dropped behind the canoe. The prau was coming. She and I ran, and as we rushed along the path I heard shots. My brother fired—once—twice—and the booming of the gong ceased. There was silence behind us. That neck of land is narrow. Before I heard my brother fire the third shot I saw the shelving shore, and I saw the water again; the mouth of a broad river. We crossed a grassy glade. We ran down to the water. I saw a low hut above the black mud, and a small canoe hauled up. I heard another shot behind me. I thought, ‘That is his last charge.’ We rushed down to the canoe; a man came running from the hut, but I leaped on him, and we rolled together in the mud. Then I got up, and he lay still at my feet. I don’t know whether I had killed him or not. I and Diamelen pushed the canoe afloat. I heard yells behind me, and I saw my brother run across the glade. Many men were bounding after him, I took her in my arms and threw her into the boat, then leaped in myself. When I looked back I saw that my brother had fallen. He fell and was up again, but the men were closing round him. He shouted, ‘I am coming!’ The men were close to him. I looked. Many men. Then I looked at her. Tuan, I pushed the canoe! I pushed it into deep water. She was kneeling forward looking at me, and I said, ‘Take your paddle,’ while I struck the water with mine. Tuan, I heard him cry. I heard him cry my name twice; and I heard voices shouting, ‘Kill! Strike!’ I never turned back. I heard him calling my name again with a great shriek, as when life is going out together with the voice—and I never turned my head. My own name! . . . My brother! Three times he called—but I was not afraid of life. Was she not there in that canoe? And could I not with her find a country where death is forgotten—where death is unknown!”

“We paddled our canoe onto the white beach of a small bay near a long stretch of land that seemed to block our way; a long, wooded cape extending far into the sea. My brother knew that place. Beyond the cape, a river flows in, and through the jungle of that land, there’s a narrow path. We built a fire and cooked rice. Then we laid down to sleep on the soft sand in the shade of our canoe, while she kept watch. No sooner had I closed my eyes than I heard her cry out in alarm. We jumped up. The sun was halfway down the sky already, and coming into view in the opening of the bay was a prau with many paddlers. We recognized it immediately; it was one of our Rajah’s praus. They were watching the shore and saw us. They beat the gong and steered the prau into the bay. My heart sank. Diamelen sat on the sand, covering her face. There was no escape by sea. My brother laughed. He had the gun you gave him, Tuan, before you left, but there was only a small amount of powder. He quickly said to me: ‘Run with her along the path. I’ll hold them back, because they don’t have firearms, and landing in front of a man with a gun is certain death for some. Just run with her. On the other side of that woods, there’s a fisherman’s hut — and a canoe. Once I’ve fired all the shots, I’ll come after you. I’m a fast runner, and before they can catch up, we’ll be gone. I’ll hold out as long as I can, for she’s just a woman—who can neither run nor fight, but she has your heart in her weak hands.’ He moved behind the canoe. The prau was approaching. She and I ran, and as we sped down the path, I heard shots. My brother fired—once—twice—and the booming of the gong stopped. There was silence behind us. That stretch of land is narrow. Before I heard my brother fire the third shot, I saw the sloping shore, and I saw the water again; the mouth of a wide river. We crossed a grassy clearing. We ran down to the water. I spotted a low hut above the black mud and a small canoe pulled up. I heard another shot behind me. I thought, ‘That must be his last shot.’ We rushed to the canoe; a man came running from the hut, but I jumped on him, and we rolled together in the mud. Then I got up, and he lay still at my feet. I don’t know if I had killed him or not. Diamelen and I pushed the canoe into the water. I heard shouts behind me, and I saw my brother running across the clearing. Many men were chasing after him. I scooped her into my arms and threw her into the boat, then jumped in myself. When I looked back, I saw that my brother had fallen. He fell but was up again, but the men were closing in on him. He shouted, ‘I’m coming!’ The men were close to him. I looked around. So many men. Then I looked at her. Tuan, I pushed the canoe! I pushed it into deep water. She was leaning forward, looking at me, and I said, ‘Grab your paddle,’ as I struck the water with mine. Tuan, I heard him shout. I heard him yell my name twice; and I heard voices shouting, ‘Kill! Strike!’ I never looked back. I heard him calling my name again with a great shriek, as if life was leaving along with the voice—and I never turned my head. My own name! . . . My brother! He called three times—but I wasn’t afraid of life. Wasn’t she there in that canoe? And couldn’t I find with her a place where death is forgotten—where death is unknown!”

The white man sat up. Arsat rose and stood, an indistinct and silent figure above the dying embers of the fire. Over the lagoon a mist drifting and low had crept, erasing slowly the glittering images of the stars. And now a great expanse of white vapour covered the land: it flowed cold and gray in the darkness, eddied in noiseless whirls round the tree-trunks and about the platform of the house, which seemed to float upon a restless and impalpable illusion of a sea. Only far away the tops of the trees stood outlined on the twinkle of heaven, like a sombre and forbidding shore—a coast deceptive, pitiless and black.

The white man sat up. Arsat got to his feet, an unclear and quiet figure above the dying embers of the fire. A low mist had crept over the lagoon, slowly hiding the shimmering stars. Now a vast stretch of white vapor covered the land, flowing cold and gray in the darkness, swirling silently around the tree trunks and the platform of the house, which seemed to float on an uneasy and intangible illusion of a sea. Only far away did the tops of the trees stand out against the sparkle of the sky, like a dark and intimidating shore—a coast that was misleading, merciless, and black.

Arsat’s voice vibrated loudly in the profound peace.

Arsat's voice echoed strongly in the deep silence.

“I had her there! I had her! To get her I would have faced all mankind. But I had her—and—”

“I had her right there! I had her! I would have faced the whole world to get her. But I had her—and—”

His words went out ringing into the empty distances. He paused, and seemed to listen to them dying away very far—beyond help and beyond recall. Then he said quietly—

His words echoed into the empty distance. He paused, listening as they faded away, very far—beyond help and beyond recall. Then he said quietly—

“Tuan, I loved my brother.”

“Tuan, I loved my bro.”

A breath of wind made him shiver. High above his head, high above the silent sea of mist the drooping leaves of the palms rattled together with a mournful and expiring sound. The white man stretched his legs. His chin rested on his chest, and he murmured sadly without lifting his head—

A gust of wind made him shiver. High above him, over the quiet sea of mist, the drooping palm leaves rattled together with a sorrowful and fading sound. The white man stretched his legs. His chin rested on his chest, and he murmured sadly without raising his head—

“We all love our brothers.”

“We all love our siblings.”

Arsat burst out with an intense whispering violence—

Arsat erupted with a fierce, quiet rage—

“What did I care who died? I wanted peace in my own heart.”

"What did I care who died? I just wanted peace in my own heart."

He seemed to hear a stir in the house—listened—then stepped in noiselessly. The white man stood up. A breeze was coming in fitful puffs. The stars shone paler as if they had retreated into the frozen depths of immense space. After a chill gust of wind there were a few seconds of perfect calm and absolute silence. Then from behind the black and wavy line of the forests a column of golden light shot up into the heavens and spread over the semicircle of the eastern horizon. The sun had risen. The mist lifted, broke into drifting patches, vanished into thin flying wreaths; and the unveiled lagoon lay, polished and black, in the heavy shadows at the foot of the wall of trees. A white eagle rose over it with a slanting and ponderous flight, reached the clear sunshine and appeared dazzlingly brilliant for a moment, then soaring higher, became a dark and motionless speck before it vanished into the blue as if it had left the earth forever. The white man, standing gazing upwards before the doorway, heard in the hut a confused and broken murmur of distracted words ending with a loud groan. Suddenly Arsat stumbled out with outstretched hands, shivered, and stood still for some time with fixed eyes. Then he said—

He thought he heard a commotion in the house—listened—then quietly stepped inside. The white man stood up. A breeze was coming in sporadic bursts. The stars shone dimmer as if they had pulled back into the cold depths of vast space. After a sharp gust of wind, there were a few seconds of complete calm and utter silence. Then, from behind the dark and undulating line of the forests, a pillar of golden light shot up into the sky and spread across the semicircle of the eastern horizon. The sun had risen. The mist lifted, breaking into drifting patches, disappearing into thin, fleeting wisps; and the revealed lagoon lay, sleek and black, in the heavy shadows at the base of the wall of trees. A white eagle rose over it with a slanted and labored flight, reached the bright sunlight, and appeared dazzlingly bright for a moment, then soaring higher, became a dark, motionless speck before vanishing into the blue as if it had escaped the earth forever. The white man, standing and gazing upward at the doorway, heard in the hut a confused and fragmented murmur of distracted words ending with a loud groan. Suddenly, Arsat stumbled out with outstretched hands, shivered, and remained still for some time with fixed eyes. Then he said—

“She burns no more.”

“She's not burning anymore.”

Before his face the sun showed its edge above the tree-tops rising steadily. The breeze freshened; a great brilliance burst upon the lagoon, sparkled on the rippling water. The forests came out of the clear shadows of the morning, became distinct, as if they had rushed nearer—to stop short in a great stir of leaves, of nodding boughs, of swaying branches. In the merciless sunshine the whisper of unconscious life grew louder, speaking in an incomprehensible voice round the dumb darkness of that human sorrow. Arsat’s eyes wandered slowly, then stared at the rising sun.

Before him, the sun peeked over the treetops, climbing steadily. The breeze picked up; a brilliant light burst onto the lagoon, sparkling on the rippling water. The forests emerged from the morning's clear shadows, becoming distinct as if they had rushed closer—only to halt suddenly in a flurry of leaves, nodding branches, and swaying limbs. In the relentless sunshine, the whispers of unthinking life became louder, speaking in an incomprehensible voice against the silent backdrop of that human sorrow. Arsat's eyes roamed slowly before fixing on the rising sun.

“I can see nothing,” he said half aloud to himself.

“I can’t see anything,” he said quietly to himself.

“There is nothing,” said the white man, moving to the edge of the platform and waving his hand to his boat. A shout came faintly over the lagoon and the sampan began to glide towards the abode of the friend of ghosts.

“There is nothing,” said the white man, moving to the edge of the platform and waving his hand to his boat. A shout came faintly over the lagoon and the sampan began to glide toward the home of the friend of ghosts.

“If you want to come with me, I will wait all the morning,” said the white man, looking away upon the water.

“If you want to come with me, I’ll wait all morning,” said the white man, looking out at the water.

“No, Tuan,” said Arsat, softly. “I shall not eat or sleep in this house, but I must first see my road. Now I can see nothing—see nothing! There is no light and no peace in the world; but there is death—death for many. We are sons of the same mother—and I left him in the midst of enemies; but I am going back now.”

“No, Tuan,” Arsat said quietly. “I won’t eat or sleep in this house, but I need to see my path first. Right now, I can’t see anything—can’t see anything! There’s no light and no peace in the world; all there is is death—death for many. We are sons of the same mother—and I left him surrounded by enemies; but I’m going back now.”

He drew a long breath and went on in a dreamy tone:

He took a deep breath and continued in a dreamy voice:

“In a little while I shall see clear enough to strike—to strike. But she has died, and . . . now . . . darkness.”

“In a little while, I’ll be able to see clearly enough to act—to act. But she has died, and . . . now . . . darkness.”

He flung his arms wide open, let them fall along his body, then stood still with unmoved face and stony eyes, staring at the sun. The white man got down into his canoe. The polers ran smartly along the sides of the boat, looking over their shoulders at the beginning of a weary journey. High in the stern, his head muffled up in white rags, the juragan sat moody, letting his paddle trail in the water. The white man, leaning with both arms over the grass roof of the little cabin, looked back at the shining ripple of the boat’s wake. Before the sampan passed out of the lagoon into the creek he lifted his eyes. Arsat had not moved. He stood lonely in the searching sunshine; and he looked beyond the great light of a cloudless day into the darkness of a world of illusions.

He opened his arms wide, let them drop to his sides, and then stood still with an expressionless face and hard eyes, staring at the sun. The white man climbed into his canoe. The polers quickly moved along the sides of the boat, glancing back at the start of a tiring journey. High in the back, his head wrapped in white rags, the juragan sat in a bad mood, letting his paddle drag in the water. The white man, leaning on both arms against the grass roof of the small cabin, looked back at the glistening ripples of the boat's wake. Before the sampan exited the lagoon into the creek, he lifted his gaze. Arsat had not moved. He stood alone in the bright sunshine; and he gazed beyond the intense light of a clear day into the shadows of a world of illusions.






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