MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon.
DON JOHN, his illegitimate brother.
CLAUDIO, a young lord from Florence.
BENEDICK, a young lord from Padua.
LEONATO, governor of Messina.
ANTONIO, his brother.
BALTHASAR, servant to Don Pedro.
BORACHIO, follower of Don John.
CONRADE, follower of Don John.
DOGBERRY, a constable.
VERGES, a headborough.
FRIAR FRANCIS.
A sexton.
A boy.

HERO, Daughter of Leonato.
BEATRICE, Niece of Leonato.
MARGARET, Maid serving Hero.
URSULA, Maid serving Hero.

Messengers, Watchers, Attendants, etc.

Enter Leonato, Hero, Beatrice and others, with a Chat app.

LEONATO.
I just found out from this letter that Don Pedro of Arragon is coming to Messina tonight.

MESSENGER.
He's really close by: he was less than three leagues away when I left him.

LEONATO.
How many men have you lost in this fight?

MESSENGER.
But there are hardly any, and none worth mentioning.

LEONATO.
A victory means even more when the winner brings home the full count. I see that Don Pedro has given a lot of honor to a young Florentine named Claudio.

MESSENGER.
Well deserved on his part, and just as much remembered by Don Pedro. He has really exceeded what others expected of him, showing lion-like strength while appearing gentle as a lamb: he has truly surpassed expectations more than I can explain to you.

LEONATO.
He has an uncle here in Messina who will be very happy about it.

MESSENGER.
I've already given him the letters, and he seems really happy; so much so that his joy couldn't help but show a hint of bitterness.

LEONATO.
Did he start to cry?

MESSENGER.
To a large extent.

LEONATO.
A generous outpouring of kindness. There are no faces more genuine than those that are so cleansed; how much better is it to cry out of joy than to find joy in tears!

BEATRICE.
I ask you, has Signior Mountanto returned from the war or not?

MESSENGER.
I don't know anyone by that name, ma'am: there wasn't anyone like that in the army at all.

LEONATO.
Who are you asking about, niece?

HERO.
My cousin is referring to Signior Benedick from Padua.

MESSENGER.
Oh! He’s back, and just as charming as he always was.

BEATRICE.
He posted his bets here in Messina and took on Cupid in a contest; and my uncle’s fool, seeing the challenge, backed Cupid and challenged him with a bird bolt. I ask you, how many has he killed and eaten in these battles? But really, how many has he killed? Because I did promise to eat everything he's hunted.

LEONATO.
Honestly, niece, you're being too hard on Signior Benedick; but I have no doubt he will match you.

MESSENGER.
He has done great service, my lady, in these wars.

BEATRICE.
You had old food, and he helped eat it; he's quite the brave eater; he has a great appetite.

MESSENGER.
And a great soldier too, ma'am.

BEATRICE.
And a good soldier to a lady; but what is he to a lord?

MESSENGER.
A lord to a lord, a man to a man; filled with all honorable virtues.

BEATRICE.
It's true; he's nothing but a stuffed shirt; but as for the stuffing—well, we’re all human.

LEONATO.
You shouldn't misunderstand my niece, sir. There's a playful rivalry between Signior Benedick and her; they always end up exchanging witty remarks whenever they're together.

BEATRICE.
Unfortunately, he gains nothing from that. In our last argument, four out of his five wits left him, and now the whole man is run by just one! So if he has enough sense to keep himself warm, he should consider it a distinction between himself and his horse; because it's all he has left to be recognized as a reasonable being. Who's his companion now? He gets a new sworn brother every month.

MESSENGER.
Is it possible?

BEATRICE.
It's totally possible: he shows his faith just like the style of his hat; it constantly changes with the next trend.

MESSENGER.
I see, ma'am, the guy isn’t on your list.

BEATRICE.
No; and if he were, I would burn my study. But please, who is his companion? Is there no young guy around who will take a trip with him to hell?

MESSENGER.
He spends most of his time with the honorable Claudio.

BEATRICE.
Oh Lord, he will cling to him like a sickness: he's easier to catch than the plague, and the person who takes him will go crazy right away. God help the noble Claudio! If he has caught Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pounds before he gets cured.

MESSENGER.
I will be your friend, lady.

BEATRICE.
Go ahead, good friend.

LEONATO.
You'll never lose your mind, niece.

BEATRICE.
No, not until a scorching January.

Messenger: Don Pedro is approached.

Enter Don Pedro, Don John, Claudio, Benedick, Balthasar and others.

DON PEDRO.
Good Mr. Leonato, you've come to face your problems: nowadays, people try to avoid expense, and you're taking it on.

LEONATO.
I've never had trouble come to my house looking like you, because when trouble leaves, comfort should stay; but when you leave me, sorrow sticks around and happiness goes away.

DON PEDRO.
You're taking on your responsibility a bit too eagerly. I believe this is your daughter.

LEONATO.
Her mother has told me that many times.

BENEDICK.
Were you unsure, sir, that you asked her?

LEONATO.
Mr. Benedick, no; because then you were just a kid.

DON PEDRO.
You’ve got it right, Benedick: we can tell what kind of man you are from this. Honestly, the lady is just like her father. Be happy, lady, because you resemble a noble father.

BENEDICK.
If Signior Leonato is her father, she wouldn't want to look like him for all of Messina, no matter how much she does.

BEATRICE.
I can't believe you're still talking, Signior Benedick: no one is paying attention to you.

BENEDICK.
What! My dear Lady Disdain, are you still alive?

BEATRICE.
Is it possible for Disdain to die while she has such perfect food to nurture it as Signior Benedick? Even Courtesy must turn into disdain when you enter her presence.

BENEDICK.
So, courtesy is a traitor. But it's clear that I'm loved by all the ladies, except for you; and I wish I could convince myself that I didn't have a cold heart; because honestly, I love no one.

BEATRICE.
What a relief for women: otherwise, they would have had to deal with a toxic suitor. I thank God and my calm nature; I’m glad I’m like you in this. I would rather listen to my dog barking at a crow than hear a man declare his love for me.

BENEDICK.
May you always think that way, so some guy or another can avoid a destined scratched face.

BEATRICE.
Scratching wouldn't make it any worse, and it would be a face like yours.

BENEDICK.
Well, you're quite a unique parrot teacher.

BEATRICE.
A bird from my mouth is better than a beast from yours.

BENEDICK.
I wish my horse had your speed of speech and could keep up like you do. But go your way, for God’s sake; I’m done.

BEATRICE.
You always pull a sneaky trick: I know you well.

DON PEDRO.
That's the gist of it all, Leonato: Signor Claudio and Signor Benedick, my good friend Leonato has invited you both. I told him we'll be here for at least a month, and he genuinely hopes something might keep us longer: I can assure you he's not a fake, but really means it.

LEONATO.
If you swear, my lord, you won't break your word. [To Don John] Let me welcome you, my lord: now that you've made amends with the Prince, your brother, I owe you my respect.

DON JOHN.
Thanks a lot: I don't say much, but I appreciate it.

LEONATO.
Could you please lead the way, Your Grace?

DON PEDRO.
Let's join hands, Leonato; we'll go together.

[Everyone leaves except Benedick and Claudio.]

CLAUDIO.
Benedick, did you notice Signior Leonato's daughter?

BENEDICK.
I didn't pay attention to her; I just looked at her.

CLAUDIO.
Isn’t she a modest young woman?

BENEDICK.
Are you asking me, as an honest man would, for my straightforward opinion; or do you want me to speak like I usually do, as someone who openly criticizes their gender?

CLAUDIO.
No; please speak with serious consideration.

BENEDICK.
Honestly, I think she's too average for high praise, too dark for fair praise, and too small for great praise; the only compliment I can give her is that if she were different from how she is, she wouldn't be attractive, and since she's exactly as she is, I just don't like her.

CLAUDIO.
You think I'm joking: please tell me honestly what you think of her.

BENEDICK.
Are you looking to buy her since you're asking about her?

CLAUDIO.
Can the world really afford such a jewel?

BENEDICK.
Yeah, and a way to put it into. But are you saying this with a serious expression, or are you just joking around, trying to tell us that Cupid is a great matchmaker, and Vulcan is an amazing carpenter? Come on, in what mood should I take you to join the song?

CLAUDIO.
In my eyes, she's the sweetest woman I've ever seen.

BENEDICK.
I can still see without glasses, and I don’t see anything like that: her cousin, if she weren’t driven mad, is much more beautiful than the first of May is compared to the end of December. But I hope you’re not planning to become a husband, right?

CLAUDIO.
I could hardly trust myself, even if I had sworn otherwise, if Hero would be my wife.

BENEDICK.
Has it really come to this? Is there not a single man in the world who doesn’t wear his suspicions like a hat? Am I never going to see a bachelor in his sixties again? Come on, seriously; if you’re determined to put your neck in a noose, you’ll bear the mark of it and spend Sundays sighing.

Re-enter Don Pedro.

Look! Don Pedro has come back to find you.

DON PEDRO.
What kept you here that you didn’t go to Leonato’s?

BENEDICK.
I wish you would make me tell.

DON PEDRO.
I ask you to uphold your duty.

BENEDICK.
You hear that, Count Claudio: I can keep a secret like a silent person; I want you to believe that; but on my word, pay attention: he is in love. With who? Now that's your job to figure out. Notice how brief his answer is: with Hero, Leonato’s younger daughter.

CLAUDIO.
If that were true, it would have been said.

BENEDICK.
Like the old story, my lord: 'it's not like that, and it never was; but honestly, God forbid it should be.'

CLAUDIO.
If my feelings don’t change soon, God help us if they do.

DON PEDRO.
Sure, if you love her; because she's definitely worth it.

CLAUDIO.
You're saying this to draw me in, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, I'm speaking my mind.

CLAUDIO.
And honestly, my lord, I shared my thoughts.

BENEDICK.
And honestly, my lord, I meant what I said.

CLAUDIO.
I know that I love her.

DON PEDRO.
I know she is worthy.

BENEDICK.
I neither understand why she should be loved, nor see how she deserves it; that's a belief I can't shake off. I’ll stick to it no matter what.

DON PEDRO.
You have always been a stubborn heretic in spite of beauty.

CLAUDIO.
And he could never hold his part unless he forced himself to.

BENEDICK.
I’m grateful to the woman who gave me life; I also appreciate that she raised me. However, I won’t have a horn blown for me or hang my bugle on an invisible strap—sorry, ladies. I won’t insult any of you by being suspicious; instead, I’ll do myself the favor of trusting none. And the downside is—I might just end up better off for it—I’ll choose to live as a bachelor.

DON PEDRO.
I will see you, before I die, looking pale from love.

BENEDICK.
With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord; not with love: prove that I ever lose more blood from love than I’ll gain back from drinking, poke out my eyes with a poet's pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel as the sign of blind Cupid.

DON PEDRO.
Well, if you ever lose this faith, you’ll make a strong case.

BENEDICK.
If I do, just hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me; and whoever hits me, let him be patted on the shoulder and called Adam.

DON PEDRO.
Well, time will tell: 'Over time, the wild bull learns to wear the yoke.'

BENEDICK.
The wild bull might; but if the rational Benedick puts up with it, take the bull's horns and put them on my forehead; and let me be grossly painted, and in big letters like they write, ‘Here is a good horse for hire,’ let them indicate under my sign ‘Here you can see Benedick the married man.’

CLAUDIO.
If this ever happened, you would be completely insane.

DON PEDRO.
Well, if Cupid hasn't used up all his arrows in Venice, you’ll be nervous about this soon.

BENEDICK.
I'm expecting an earthquake too then.

DON PEDRO.
Well, you'll kill some time. In the meantime, good Sir Benedick, head over to Leonato’s: send my regards to him and let him know I won't be missing supper; he's really gone all out to prepare for it.

BENEDICK.
I have nearly enough content within me for such a mission; and so I leave you—

CLAUDIO.
Thanks to God: from my place, if I had it,—

DON PEDRO.
July 6th: your dear friend, Benedick.

BENEDICK.
Come on, don’t make fun. The way you talk is sometimes just bits and pieces, and those bits aren’t put together very well either. Before you keep making fun of things from the past, take a look at your own conscience: and with that, I’ll take my leave.

[Leave.]

CLAUDIO.
My lord, your Highness can help me now.

DON PEDRO.
My love is yours to guide: just show me how,
And you'll see how eager it is to learn
Any difficult lesson that could benefit you.

CLAUDIO.
Does Leonato have any sons, my lord?

DON PEDRO.
There’s no child except Hero; she’s his only heir.
Do you have feelings for her, Claudio?

CLAUDIO.
Oh! my lord,
When you moved forward with this completed task,
I looked at her with a soldier’s perspective,
That appreciated her, but had a tougher job to focus
On turning appreciation into love;
But now I've returned, and those war thoughts
Have left their spots empty, and in their place
Soft, delicate desires are rushing in,
All reminding me how beautiful young Hero is,
Saying, I liked her before I went to war.

DON PEDRO.
You'll soon act like a lover,
And bore the listener with a long speech.
If you love the beautiful Hero, treasure that,
And I’ll break it off with her and her dad,
And you'll have her. Wasn’t this why
You started to weave such a beautiful story?

CLAUDIO.
How nicely you serve love,
Since you understand love's pain by how it looks!
But just in case my feelings seem too quick,
I would have handled it with a longer explanation.

DON PEDRO.
Why do we need a bridge that's wider than the river?
The best offer is based on necessity.
Look, what works is good enough: you love her,
And I’ll find a way to help you.
I know we’ll be celebrating tonight:
I’ll take your place in disguise,
And tell beautiful Hero that I’m Claudio;
I’ll open my heart to her,
And capture her attention with the power
And intensity of my romantic story:
Then I’ll go to her father;
And in the end, she’ll be yours.
Let’s put this plan into action right away.

[Exit.]

Enter Leonato and Antonio, meeting up.

LEONATO.
Hey, brother! Where's my cousin, your son? Has he set up this music?

ANTONIO.
He’s really preoccupied with it. But, brother, I have some surprising news to share that you wouldn’t have even imagined.

LEONATO.
Are they any good?

ANTONIO.
As the situation reveals them: but they put on a good facade; they appear well on the outside. The Prince and Count Claudio, strolling through a densely planted path in my orchard, were overheard by one of my servants: the Prince told Claudio that he loved your daughter, my niece, and planned to confess it tonight during a dance; and if he found her receptive, he intended to seize the moment and immediately discuss it with you.

LEONATO.
Does the guy who told you this have any sense?

ANTONIO.
A clever guy: I'll call him in; you can ask him yourself.

LEONATO.
No, no; let's treat it like a dream until it shows itself. But I’ll let my daughter know about it so she’ll be better prepared for an answer, in case this is true. You go and tell her.

[Several people cross the stage.]

Cousins, you know what you need to do. Oh! I beg your pardon, friend; come with me, and I'll put your skills to use. Good cousin, be careful during this busy time.

[Leave the stage.]

Enter Don John and Conrade.

CONRADE.
What's going on, my lord? Why are you so unreasonably sad?

DON JOHN.
There's no limit to the situation it creates; that's why the sadness has no end.

CONRADE.
You should listen to reason.

DON JOHN.
And when I hear it, what good things does it bring?

CONRADE.
If it's not a quick fix, at least let's endure it patiently.

DON JOHN.
I’m surprised that you (since you say you were born under Saturn) are trying to use a moral remedy for such a painful problem. I can’t hide who I am: I have to be sad when I have a reason to be, and I don't smile at anyone's jokes; I eat when I'm hungry and won't wait for anyone else; I sleep when I'm tired and don't look after anyone else's affairs; I laugh when I feel happy and don’t interfere with anyone else's mood.

CONRADE.
Yeah; but you shouldn't show all of this until you can do it freely. Recently, you've been at odds with your brother, and now he's welcomed you back into his favor; you can't truly settle in unless you create good conditions for yourself: you need to set the stage for your own success.

DON JOHN.
I’d rather be a thorn in a bush than a rose in his favor; it suits my nature better to be looked down on by everyone than to pretend to be nice and take love away from anyone. Though I can’t claim to be a flattering honest man, I can’t deny that I’m a straightforward villain. I’m kept on a tight leash and limited in my freedom; so I’ve decided not to sing in my cage. If I could speak freely, I would lash out; if I had my freedom, I would do what I want: for now, just let me be who I am, and don’t try to change me.

CONRADE.
Can't you find any way to use your dissatisfaction?

DON JOHN.
I make the most of it because I only use it. Who's there?

Enter Borachio.

What's up, Borachio?

BORACHIO.
I just came from a big dinner: the Prince, your brother, is being treated like royalty by Leonato; and I have news about an upcoming marriage.

DON JOHN.
Will it be a good example to create chaos? What kind of fool chooses to commit himself to trouble?

BORACHIO.
Sure, it’s your brother’s right hand.

DON JOHN.
Who? the most refined Claudio?

Even he.

DON JOHN.
A proper squire! And who, and who? Which way is he looking?

BORACHIO.
Sure, on Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.

DON JOHN.
What a bold young woman! How did you end up here?

BORACHIO.
While I was serving a perfumer, I was in a musty room when the Prince and Claudio came in, walking closely together and talking seriously. I hid behind the tapestry and overheard them agree that the Prince would court Hero for himself, and once he had won her, he would hand her over to Count Claudio.

DON JOHN.
Come on; let’s go there: this might feed my resentment. That young upstart has all the credit for my downfall: if I can thwart him in any way, I’ll consider myself lucky. You’re both in, right, and will help me?

CONRADE.
To the death, my lord.

DON JOHN.
Let’s head to the big dinner: their joy is even greater because I’m feeling down. I wish the cook shared my thoughts! Shall we go see what needs to be done?

BORACHIO.
We'll wait for you, my Lord.

[Exit.]

Enter Leonato, Antonio, Hero, Beatrice and others.

LEONATO.
Wasn't Count John here at dinner?

ANTONIO.
I haven't seen him.

BEATRICE.
That guy looks so sour! I can never see him without being upset for an hour afterward.

HERO.
He has a very sad disposition.

BEATRICE.
He was a great guy who was perfectly balanced between him and Benedick: one is too much like a statue and says nothing, while the other is too much like my lady’s oldest son, always talking.

LEONATO.
Then part of Signior Benedick's words in Count John's mouth, and part of Count John's sadness on Signior Benedick's face—

BEATRICE.
With a healthy leg and a good foot, uncle, and enough money in his pocket, that guy could win any woman in the world if he could earn her favor.

LEONATO.
Honestly, niece, you'll never find a husband if you're so sharp-tongued.

ANTONIO.
Honestly, she's too cursed.

BEATRICE.
Too cursed is more than cursed: I will reduce God's sending in that way; for it is said, ‘God sends a cursed cow short horns;’ but to a cow that’s too cursed he sends none.

LEONATO.
So, by being too harsh, God won't give you any horns?

BEATRICE.
I just hope he doesn’t send me a husband; for that blessing, I'm on my knees every morning and evening. Lord! I could not stand a husband with a beard on his face: I would rather sleep in the wool.

LEONATO.
You might find a husband who doesn’t have a beard.

BEATRICE.
What should I do with him? Dress him in my clothes and make him my maid? A guy with a beard is more than a boy, and a guy without a beard is less than a man; and a guy who's more than a boy isn't for me; and a guy who's less than a man isn't for me either: so I'll just take sixpence as a down payment for the bear-keeper and take his monkeys to hell.

LEONATO.
So, are you going to hell?

BEATRICE.
No; but to the gate; and there the Devil will meet me, like an old fool, with horns on his head, and say, ‘Get to heaven, Beatrice, get to heaven; there’s no place for you women.’ So I’ll hand over my troubles and head to Saint Peter for the heavens: he shows me where the single guys hang out, and we’ll live as happily as the day is long.

ANTONIO.
[To Hero.] Well, niece, I hope you will listen to your father.

BEATRICE.
Yeah, for sure; it’s my cousin’s job to curtsy and say, ‘Father, if it pleases you:’— but still, cousin, he should be a good-looking guy, or else he should curtsy again and say, ‘Father, if it pleases me.’

LEONATO.
Well, niece, I hope to see you one day married.

BEATRICE.
Not until God creates men out of something other than earth. Wouldn't it be upsetting for a woman to be controlled by a brave piece of dust? To have to account for her life to a stubborn lump of dirt? No, uncle, I won't do it: Adam's sons are my brothers; and honestly, I believe it's wrong to marry within my own family.

LEONATO.
Daughter, remember what I told you: if the Prince approaches you like that, you know what to say.

BEATRICE.
The problem will be with the music, cousin, if you aren’t wooed in good time: if the Prince is too important, just let him know there’s a time and place for everything, and dance your way out of it. Because, listen to me, Hero: wooing, wedding, and repenting are like a Scottish jig, a formal dance, and a quick step: the first attempt is eager and rushed, like a Scottish jig, and completely fanciful; the wedding is properly modest, like a formal dance, full of dignity and tradition; and then comes Repentance, who, with his awkward moves, stumbles into the quick step faster and faster, until he sinks into his grave.

LEONATO.
Cousin, you understand quite wisely.

BEATRICE.
I have a good eye, Uncle: I can see a church in the daylight.

LEONATO.
The party people are coming in, brother: clear some space.

Enter Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, Balthasar, Don John, Borachio, Margaret, Ursula and Others, masked.

DON PEDRO.
Hey there, will you go for a walk with your friend?

HERO.
So you walk gently, look charming, and say nothing; I’m yours for the stroll, especially when I walk away.

DON PEDRO.
Am I in your company?

HERO.
I can say that whenever I want.

DON PEDRO.
And when would you like me to say so?

HERO.
When I like your support; for heaven forbid the lute should be like the case!

DON PEDRO.
My mask is Philemon’s roof; inside the house is Jove.

HERO.
So, should your visor be covered like that.

DON PEDRO.
Speak softly if you’re talking about love.

[Takes her aside.]

BALTHASAR.
Well, I wish you felt the same way about me.

MARGARET.
I wouldn’t either, for your sake; I have a lot of bad qualities.

Balthasar.
Which one is it?

MARGARET.
I speak my prayers aloud.

BALTHASAR.
I love you more; the audience can say Amen.

MARGARET.
May I be paired with a great dancer!

BALTHASAR.
Amen.

MARGARET.
And I hope to never see him again after the dance is over! Answer me, clerk.

BALTHASAR.
No more words: the clerk has been answered.

URSULA.
I know you well enough: you're Mr. Antonio.

I'm not.

URSULA.
I recognize you by the way you nod your head.

ANTONIO.
To be honest, I'm pretending to be him.

URSULA.
You could never do him so wrong unless you were the one yourself. Here’s his dry hand moving up and down: you are him, you are him.

ANTONIO.
Just say the word, and I'm out.

URSULA.
Come on; do you really think I don't recognize you by your sharp sense of humor? Can goodness really keep itself hidden? Come on, you are the one: your qualities will show, and that's that.

BEATRICE.
Will you not tell me who said that?

Benedick.
No, you have to forgive me.

BEATRICE.
So you're not going to tell me who you are?

BENEDICK.
Not right now.

BEATRICE.
He said I was snobbish and that I got my cleverness from the ‘Hundred Merry Tales.’ Well, it was Signior Benedick who said that.

Benedick: Who is he?

BEATRICE.
I’m sure you know him pretty well.

Not me, believe me.

BEATRICE.
Did he ever make you laugh?

BENEDICK.
Please, who is he?

BEATRICE.
Well, he’s the Prince’s jester: a really boring fool; the only thing he’s good at is coming up with outrageous lies. Only people with no morals enjoy him; and the praise he gets isn’t for his humor, but for his wickedness; because he entertains people and frustrates them, and then they laugh at him and hit him. I’m sure he’s out there causing trouble: I wish he’d come after me!

BENEDICK.
Once I get to know the guy, I’ll let him know what you said.

BEATRICE.
Come on: he’s just going to make a few comparisons about me; which, if they go unnoticed or unamused, might get him feeling down; and then we’ll save a partridge wing, because the fool won’t eat any dinner that night. [Music playing inside.] We have to follow the leaders.

BENEDICK.
In everything good.

BEATRICE.
No, if they lead to any bad things, I'll ditch them at the next corner.

[Dance. Then exit everyone except Don John, Borachio and Claudio.]

DON JOHN.
It’s clear my brother is in love with Hero and has taken her father aside to talk about it. The ladies are following her, and there’s only one mask left.

BORACHIO.
And that's Claudio: I recognize him by his demeanor.

DON JOHN.
Aren't you Sir Benedick?

CLAUDIO.
You know me well; I am that person.

DON JOHN.
Sir, you are very close to my brother in his feelings: he is in love with Hero; I ask you to convince him to stay away from her; she is not his equal in social status: you could do the right thing by intervening.

CLAUDIO.
How do you know he loves her?

DON JOHN.
I heard him profess his love.

BORACHIO.
I did too; and he promised he would marry her tonight.

DON JOHN.
Come on, let's go to the banquet.

[Exit Don John and Borachio.]

CLAUDIO.
So I speak on behalf of Benedick,
But hear this bad news as Claudio.
It’s true; the Prince is pursuing her for himself.
Friendship stays strong in everything else
Except for love and its affairs:
That’s why everyone in love speaks for themselves;
Let each eye make its own deals
And trust no middleman; beauty is a sorceress
Against whose spells faith turns to blood.
This happens every hour,
Which I never suspected. Goodbye, then, Hero!

Re-enter Benedick.

Benedick.
Count Claudio?

CLAUDIO.
Yeah, the same.

BENEDICK.
Come on, are you coming with me?

CLAUDIO.
Where to?

BENEDICK.
Just go to the next willow and mind your own business, Count. How will you wear the garland? Around your neck like a loan shark’s chain? Or under your arm like a lieutenant’s scarf? You have to wear it one way, since the Prince has taken your Hero.

CLAUDIO.
I wish him happiness with her.

BENEDICK.
Well, that’s said like a straightforward herdsman: that’s how they sell cattle. But did you really think the Prince would treat you this way?

CLAUDIO.
Please, leave me.

BENEDICK.
Hey! Now you’re swinging like you can’t see: it was the kid who took your food, and you’re going to hit the post.

CLAUDIO.
If it's not going to happen, I'm out.

[Leave.]

BENEDICK.
Oh no! That poor, injured bird. Now he’ll hide in the reeds. But how can my Lady Beatrice know me and yet not really know me? The Prince’s fool! Ha! Maybe I get that title because I’m cheerful. Yeah, but I might be doing myself a disservice; people don’t see me that way: it’s Beatrice’s spiteful yet bitter attitude that makes everyone see her as she is, and in turn, reflects on me. Well, I’ll get my revenge however I can.

Re-enter Don Pedro.

DON PEDRO.
So, my friend, where's the Count? Did you happen to see him?

BENEDICK.
Honestly, my lord, I’ve been like Lady Fame. I found him here as gloomy as a lodge in a warren. I told him, and I believe I told him the truth, that your Grace has won the affection of this young lady; and I offered him my company to a willow tree, either to make him a crown, since he’s been rejected, or to prepare a switch for him, since he deserves to be punished.

DON PEDRO.
To be whipped! What did he do wrong?

BENEDICK.
It's like a schoolboy's simple mistake—he finds a bird's nest and, all excited, shows it to his friend, who then just takes it.

DON PEDRO.
Will you turn trust into a wrongdoing? The wrongdoing lies with the thief.

BENEDICK.
But it wouldn't have hurt if the rod had been made, and the garland too; because he could have worn the garland himself, and he could have given you the rod, since you, as I understand it, have taken his bird's nest.

DON PEDRO.
I will just teach them to sing and return them to their owner.

BENEDICK.
If their singing matches what you said, honestly, you’re speaking the truth.

DON PEDRO.
Lady Beatrice has a complaint about you: the guy who danced with her told her that you have wronged her a lot.

BENEDICK.
Oh! she mistreated me beyond what a blockhead could handle: an oak with just one green leaf would have handled her better. My very mask started to come alive and argue with her. She told me, not realizing I was myself, that I was the Prince’s jester and duller than a huge thaw; piling joke upon joke in such a confusing way that I felt like a target with an entire army firing at me. She speaks like a daggers, and every word stabs: if her breath were as awful as her words, no one could live near her; she would poison the North Star. I would not marry her, even if she had all that Adam was given before he sinned: she would have made Hercules a kitchen servant and even broken his club to make fire. Come on, don’t talk about her; you will find her the terrible Ate dressed up nicely. I wish a scholar would cast a spell on her, because truly, while she is here, a man could live just as peacefully in hell as in a sanctuary; and people sin on purpose because they want to go there; so indeed, all disturbance, horror, and anxiety follow her.

Re-enter Claudio, Beatrice, Hero and Leonato.

DON PEDRO.
Look! She's coming.

BENEDICK.
Will Your Grace ask me to do anything for you, no matter how far? I would go on the smallest errand to the other side of the world that you can think of; I’d get you a toothpick from the farthest point in Asia; bring you the length of Prester John’s foot; grab you a hair from the Great Cham’s beard; deliver a message to the Pygmies, rather than have a three-word conversation with this nightmare. You have no task for me?

DON PEDRO.
Nothing, just wanting to enjoy your company.

BENEDICK.
Oh God, man, here's a dish I can't stand: I can't deal with my Lady Tongue.

[Log out.]

DON PEDRO.
Come on, lady; you've captured Signior Benedick's heart.

BEATRICE.
Honestly, my lord, he lent it to me for a bit, and I gave him something in return, a double heart for a single one: but, to be fair, he once took it from me with loaded dice, so your Grace can certainly say I've lost it.

DON PEDRO.
You've put him down, lady, you've put him down.

BEATRICE.
I wouldn't want him to do that to me, my lord, because I might end up being the mother of fools. I've brought Count Claudio, whom you asked me to find.

DON PEDRO.
Hey there, Count! Why are you so down?

CLAUDIO.
Not sad, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
What’s wrong? Sick?

CLAUDIO.
Neither, my lord.

BEATRICE.
The Count is neither sad, nor sick, nor happy, nor well; but a polite Count, as polite as an orange, and a bit jealous too.

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, lady, I believe what you’ve said is true; though, I swear, if he is, his confidence is mistaken. Here, Claudio, I have courted on your behalf, and lovely Hero is yours; I’ve talked to her father and secured his approval; just name the wedding date, and may God bless you with happiness!

LEONATO.
Count, take my daughter along with my fortunes: his Grace has arranged the marriage, and all grace say Amen to it!

BEATRICE.
Speak, Count, it’s your turn.

CLAUDIO.
Silence is the best sign of happiness: I wouldn't be that happy if I could express how much. Lady, since you are mine, I am yours: I give myself to you and I love this exchange.

BEATRICE.
Talk, cousin; or, if you can't, silence him with a kiss, and don't let him say anything either.

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, lady, you have a cheerful spirit.

BEATRICE.
Yeah, my lord; I appreciate it, silly thing, it stays on the carefree side of worry. My cousin whispers in his ear that he's in her heart.

CLAUDIO.
And so she does, cousin.

BEATRICE.
Good grief, for a relationship! Everyone is off to find love except for me, and I’m feeling left out. I might as well sit in a corner and sigh for a husband!

DON PEDRO.
Lady Beatrice, I'll get you one.

BEATRICE.
I’d prefer one of your father’s sons. Don’t you have a brother like you? Your dad produced some great husbands, if only a girl could find them.

DON PEDRO.
Will you accept me, lady?

BEATRICE.
No, my lord, unless I could have another for regular days: your Grace is too expensive to wear every day. But, I ask for your Grace's forgiveness; I was born to speak only jokes and no serious thoughts.

DON PEDRO.
Your silence bothers me the most, and being cheerful suits you best; there's no doubt you were born during a happy time.

BEATRICE.
No, of course, my lord, my mother said; but then a star danced, and that's when I was born. Cousins, may God bring you happiness!

LEONATO.
Niece, will you take care of those things I mentioned to you?

BEATRICE.
I beg your pardon, uncle. With your Grace’s forgiveness.

[Log Out.]

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, she's a very lively and cheerful woman.

LEONATO.
There’s hardly any sadness in her, my lord: she’s only sad when she sleeps; and even then, not really sad, because I’ve heard my daughter say that she often dreams of bad things and wakes up laughing.

DON PEDRO.
She can't stand to hear about a husband.

LEONATO.
Oh! definitely not: she makes fun of all her suitors and leaves them empty-handed.

DON PEDRO.
She would be an excellent wife for Benedick.

LEONATO.
Oh Lord! My lord, if they were just a week married, they would drive themselves crazy.

DON PEDRO.
Count Claudio, when are you planning to go to church?

CLAUDIO.
Tomorrow, my lord. Time hobbles along until love gets all it deserves.

LEONATO.
Not until Monday, my dear son, which is exactly seven days away; and that’s too short a time to get everything sorted the way I want.

DON PEDRO.
Come on, you shake your head at such a long wait; but I promise you, Claudio, the time won't drag for us. In the meantime, I will take on one of Hercules' tasks, which is to bring Signior Benedick and Lady Beatrice to fall in love with each other. I really want this to be a match, and I'm confident I can make it happen, if the three of you will help me with the plan I'll lay out for you.

LEONATO.
My lord, I’m here for you, even if it takes me ten nights of staying up.

CLAUDIO.
And I, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
And you too, kind Hero?

HERO.
I’m happy to do anything, my lord, to help my cousin find a good husband.

DON PEDRO.
And Benedick isn't the most hopeless husband that I know. So far, I can praise him; he comes from a noble lineage, has proven bravery, and is definitely honest. I will show you how to charm your cousin so that she'll fall for Benedick; and with your help, I’ll work on Benedick so that, despite his sharp wit and nervousness, he falls for Beatrice. If we can pull this off, Cupid won’t need his bow and arrow anymore: the credit will be ours, as we're the true matchmakers. Come with me, and I'll tell you my plan.

[Exit.]

Enter Don John and Borachio.

DON JOHN.
That's right; Count Claudio is going to marry Leonato's daughter.

BORACHIO.
Yeah, my lord; but I can handle it.

DON JOHN.
Any obstacle, any barrier, any hurdle will be helpful to me: I'm feeling very upset about him, and anything that gets in the way of his feelings aligns perfectly with mine. How can you disrupt this marriage?

BORACHIO.
Not really, my lord; but in a way that no one will see any dishonesty in me.

DON JOHN.
Show me how quickly.

BORACHIO.
I believe I mentioned to you a year ago how much I am into Margaret, the waiting maid to Hero.

DON JOHN.
I remember.

BORACHIO.
I can, at any odd hour of the night, arrange for her to watch from her lady's bedroom window.

DON JOHN.
What kind of life is it, being the one to ruin this marriage?

BORACHIO.
You have the power to control the poison in you. Go to your brother, the Prince; don’t hesitate to tell him that he has dishonored himself by marrying the celebrated Claudio—whom you highly praise—to a tainted woman, someone like Hero.

DON JOHN.
What proof do I have of that?

BORACHIO.
That's more than enough to mess with the Prince, annoy Claudio, ruin Hero, and kill Leonato. Are you expecting any other outcome?

DON JOHN.
Just to annoy them, I'll do anything.

BORACHIO.
Alright, go find a good time to get Don Pedro and Count Claudio alone: tell them you know Hero loves me; create a sense of urgency for both the Prince and Claudio, as—out of love for your brother’s honor, who arranged this match, and for your friend’s reputation, who might get tricked by someone pretending to be a maid—you’ve uncovered this information. They will hardly believe it without proof: offer them examples that will be as convincing as seeing me at her window, hearing me call Margaret Hero, and hearing Margaret call me Claudio; and bring them to witness this the very night before the wedding: in the meantime, I will arrange things so that Hero will be absent; and there will be such apparent evidence of Hero’s infidelity that jealousy will seem like certainty, and all the plans will be ruined.

DON JOHN.
Whatever trouble this causes, I will make it happen. Be clever in carrying this out, and you'll earn a thousand ducats.

BORACHIO.
Stay firm in your accusation, and my cleverness won't embarrass me.

DON JOHN.
I’m going to find out when their wedding is.

[Exit.]

Enter Benedick.

Dude!

Enter a Boy.

Hey, sir?

BENEDICK.
There's a book on my window sill; bring it to me in the orchard.

BOY.
I'm here already, sir.

BENEDICK.
I get that; but I want you to leave and then come back.

[Exit Boy.]

I really wonder how one guy can see another guy being such a fool when he dedicates himself to love, and then, after laughing at those shallow antics, become the subject of his own scorn by falling in love—like Claudio. I remember when he only had the drum and fife for music; now he’d rather hear the tabor and pipe. I knew him back when he would walk ten miles on foot just to see a good suit of armor; now he’ll lie awake for ten nights, designing a new doublet. He used to speak plainly and straightforwardly, like an honest man and soldier; and now he’s all about fancy words, a bizarre feast with all sorts of strange dishes. Will I be changed like this and see with these eyes? I don’t know; probably not. I won’t swear that love couldn’t turn me into an oyster, but I’ll swear, until he turns me into one, he will never make me look like such a fool. One woman is beautiful, and I’m fine; another is smart, and I’m fine; another is virtuous, and I’m fine; but until all good qualities come together in one woman, I won’t be interested in just one. She should definitely be rich; wise, or I won’t bother; virtuous, or I won’t pay her any attention; beautiful, or I won’t even look at her; gentle, or keep your distance; noble, or I won't even consider it; she should be good at conversation, an excellent musician, and her hair can be whatever color God decides. Ha! The Prince and Monsieur Love! I’m going to hide in the arbor.

Withdraws.

Enter Don Pedro, Leonato, and Claudio, followed by Balthazar and Musicians.

DON PEDRO.
Come on, let’s listen to this music!

CLAUDIO.
Yeah, my good lord. How quiet the evening is,
As if it's deliberately made calm to enhance the music!

DON PEDRO.
Do you see where Benedick has hidden himself?

CLAUDIO.
Oh! very well, my lord: the music ended,
We’ll get the kid-fox for a penny.

DON PEDRO.
Come on, Balthasar, let’s listen to that song again.

BALTHASAR.
Oh! Please don’t criticize such a terrible voice
Just to insult music again.

DON PEDRO.
It still shows off its greatness,
To put on a different look for its own perfection.
Please, sing, and let me stop trying to win you over.

BALTHASAR.
Since you're talking about courting, I’ll sing;
Because many a suitor starts his chase
For someone he believes isn't deserving; yet he pursues;
Still, he will swear that he loves.

DON PEDRO.
No, please come;
Or if you want to debate longer,
Do it in writing.

BALTHASAR.
Just a reminder before I jot down my thoughts;
Nothing I write is really worth writing down.

DON PEDRO.
These are just strange ideas he's talking about;
Just random thoughts, really, and nothing more!

[Music.]

BENEDICK.
Now, what an amazing experience! His soul is completely blown away! Isn’t it weird that sheep’s intestines can pull souls out of people? Well, I’d rather have my money back, when it’s all said and done.

BALTHASAR [sings.]
   Don’t sigh anymore, ladies, don’t sigh anymore,
     Men have always been deceivers;
   One foot in the sea, and one on land,
     They’re never truly loyal.
       So don’t sigh like that, just let them go,
     And be cheerful and happy,
   Turning all your sounds of sadness
     Into a joyful tune.

Sing no more songs, sing no more
     Of sad and heavy troubles;
   The deceit of people has always been
     Since summer first began.
       So don’t sigh, just let it go,
     And be cheerful and happy,
   Turning all your sounds of sadness
     Into Hey nonny, nonny.

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, that's a really good song.

BALTHASAR.
And a terrible singer, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
Ha, no, no, seriously; you sing well enough for a change.

BENEDICK.
[Aside] If he had been a dog howling like that, they would have hanged him; and I hope his awful voice doesn’t mean anything bad is coming. I would have preferred to hear the night-raven, no matter what trouble it could have brought afterward.

DON PEDRO. Yeah, really; do you hear me, Balthasar? Please, get us some great music, because tomorrow night we want it at Lady Hero’s window.

BALTHASAR.
I'm doing my best, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
Do it: goodbye.

[Exit Balthasar and Musicians.]

Come here, Leonato: what did you tell me today about your niece Beatrice being in love with Signior Benedick?

CLAUDIO.
Oh! yeah:—[Aside to Don Pedro] Keep moving, keep moving; the bird is ready. I never thought that lady would have loved any man.

LEONATO.
No, neither do I; but it's truly amazing that she should be so infatuated with Signior Benedick, whom she has always outwardly acted like she despises.

BENEDICK.
[Aside] Is it possible? Is the wind blowing that way?

LEONATO.
Honestly, my lord, I really don't know what to make of it except that she loves him with an intense passion: it's beyond comprehension.

Maybe she's just faking it.

CLAUDIO.
Faith, pretty much.

LEONATO.
Oh God! What a fake! I've never seen a phony display of emotion that comes so close to real feelings as she shows it.

DON PEDRO.
What signs of passion does she show?

CLAUDIO.
[Aside] Set the bait right: this fish will take it.

LEONATO.
What effects, my lord? She will sit you; [To Claudio] You heard my daughter tell you how.

CLAUDIO.
She really did.

DON PEDRO.
What, what, I ask you? You surprise me: I would have thought her spirit was unbreakable against any attacks of love.

LEONATO.
I could have sworn it did, my lord; especially against Benedick.

BENEDICK.
[Aside] I would think this is a joke, but the old guy is saying it: dishonesty can't really disguise itself in someone so respectable.

CLAUDIO.
[Aside] He’s caught the infection: keep it up.

DON PEDRO.
Has she let Benedick know how she feels about him?

LEONATO.
No, and she promises she never will: that’s her agony.

CLAUDIO.
It’s true, really; that’s what your daughter says: ‘Should I,’ she says, ‘the one who has often faced him with contempt, write to him that I love him?’

LEONATO.
This shows she is now starting to write to him; she’ll be up twenty times a night, and there she’ll sit in her nightgown until she has written a whole sheet of paper: my daughter tells us everything.

CLAUDIO.
Now that you mention a sheet of paper, I recall a funny joke your daughter shared with us.

LEONATO.
Oh! When she finished writing it and was reading it over, she found Benedick and Beatrice between the sheets?

CLAUDIO.
That.

LEONATO.
Oh! she ripped the letter into a thousand pieces; scolded herself for being so bold as to write to someone she knew would mock her: ‘I judge him,’ she says, ‘by my own standards; because I would mock him if he wrote to me; yes, even though I love him, I would.’

CLAUDIO.
Then she drops to her knees, cries, sobs, pounds her chest, tears at her hair, prays, curses; ‘O sweet Benedick! God give me patience!’

LEONATO.
She really does; my daughter says so, and the excitement has overwhelmed her so much that my daughter is sometimes afraid she might do something drastic to herself. It's very true.

DON PEDRO.
It would be better if Benedick heard about it from someone else, if she isn't going to reveal it herself.

CLAUDIO.
What's the point? He would just turn it into a joke and make the poor lady suffer even more.

DON PEDRO.
And he should; it would be a mercy to hang him. She’s a wonderful, kind woman, and without a doubt, she's virtuous.

CLAUDIO.
And she's incredibly wise.

DON PEDRO.
In every way except for loving Benedick.

LEONATO.
Oh! my lord, with wisdom and passion fighting in such a delicate body, we have ten to one odds that passion wins. I feel sorry for her, as I have good reason, being her uncle and guardian.

DON PEDRO.
I wish she had given this kind of attention to me; I would have ignored everything else and made her part of who I am. Please, let Benedick know about it and see what he has to say.

LEONATO.
Do you think it's good?

CLAUDIO.
Hero definitely thinks she will die because she says she will die if he doesn’t love her, and she will die before revealing her feelings, and she will die if he asks her to be with him, rather than change even a bit of her usual stubbornness.

DON PEDRO.
She's doing the right thing: if she were to offer her love, it's very likely he'll reject it; because the guy—as you all know—has a pretty arrogant attitude.

CLAUDIO.
He's a really decent guy.

DON PEDRO.
He really does seem to have a good outward happiness.

CLAUDIO.
For real, and in my opinion, very wise.

DON PEDRO.
He really does show some signs that are like wit.

CLAUDIO.
And I think he's courageous.

DON PEDRO.
As Hector, I promise you: when it comes to handling conflicts, you could say he's smart; either he skillfully avoids them or takes them on with a very thoughtful caution.

LEONATO.
If he fears God, he has to keep the peace: if he breaks the peace, he should go into a fight with fear and trembling.

DON PEDRO.
And he will do that; because the man fears God, even if it doesn't always show in some of the jokes he makes. Anyway, I'm sorry for your niece. Should we go find Benedick and tell him about her love?

CLAUDIO.
Never mention it to him, my lord: let her handle it with wise advice.

LEONATO.
No way, that’s impossible: she might wear her heart out first.

DON PEDRO.
Alright, we'll hear more about it from your daughter later: let's give it some time to settle. I really like Benedick, and I wish he would take a moment to reflect on how undeserving he is of such a wonderful lady.

LEONATO.
Hey, my lord, are you ready to walk? Dinner is ready.

CLAUDIO.
[Aside] If he doesn't fall for her because of this, I will never trust my hopes.

DON PEDRO.
[Aside] Let's set the same trap for her; it has to be your daughter and her friend who pull it off. The fun will be when they both think the other is lovesick, but it’s not actually true: that’s the scene I want to see, and it’ll just be a silent act. Let's send her to invite him to dinner.

[Exit Don Pedro, Claudio and Leonato.]

BENEDICK.
[Walking out from the garden.] This can't be a joke: the conversation was seriously conducted. They got this information from Hero. They seem to feel sorry for her; clearly, her feelings are fully involved. Love me? Well, that has to go both ways. I hear what people are saying about me: they think I'll act all proud if I sense her love for me; they also say that she'd rather die than show any sign of affection. I never intended to get married: I must not appear proud. Those who hear the gossip and can laugh it off are lucky. They say the lady is beautiful: that's true, I can vouch for that; and virtuous: that's also true, I can't argue with it; and wise, except for her love for me: honestly, that doesn't add to her intelligence, nor is it a strong sign of her foolishness, because I’m going to be completely in love with her. I might come off as having some weird quirks and remnants of wit because I’ve complained so much about marriage; but doesn’t desire change? A man craves food in his youth that he can't stand in his old age. Should jokes and smart remarks scare a man away from pursuing what makes him happy? No; the world needs more people in it. When I said I would die a bachelor, I didn't think I'd actually live until I got married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day! She's a beautiful woman: I can see some signs of love in her.

Enter Beatrice.

BEATRICE.
I don't want to, but I have to ask you to come in for dinner.

BENEDICK.
Thank you for your efforts, Beatrice.

BEATRICE.
I didn’t put any more effort into saying thanks than you did into thanking me: if it had been hard, I wouldn’t have shown up.

BENEDICK.
So, you enjoy the message then?

BEATRICE.
Yeah, just enough that you could take it on the tip of a knife and choke a raven with it. You have no guts, sir: take care.

[Leave.]

BENEDICK.
Ha! “I’ve been sent to invite you to dinner against my will,” that has a double meaning. “I put in just as much effort for those thanks as you did to thank me,” which basically means any effort I put in for you is as effortless as saying thanks. If I don’t feel sorry for her, I’m a jerk; if I don’t love her, I’m selfish. I’ll go get her picture.

[Leave.]

Enter Hero, Margaret and Ursula.

HERO.
Good Margaret, go to the living room;
There you will find my cousin Beatrice
Talking with the Prince and Claudio:
Whisper in her ear and tell her that I and Ursula
Are walking in the orchard, and all we've been talking about
Is her; say that you overheard us,
And ask her to sneak into the trellis bower,
Where honeysuckles, warmed by the sun,
Prevent the sun from coming in; like favorites,
Made arrogant by princes, who boost their pride
Against the power that created it. There she will hide,
To listen to our plan. This is your task;
Do it well, and leave us alone.

MARGARET.
I'll make her come, I promise you, soon.

[Leave.]

HERO.
Now, Ursula, when Beatrice arrives,
As we walk up and down this pathway,
Our conversation must only be about Benedick:
When I mention his name, you should
Praise him more than any man deserves.
I need to tell you how Benedick
Is hopelessly in love with Beatrice: about this,
Little Cupid's clever arrow has been shot,
Wounding only through rumor.

Enter Beatrice from behind.

Now start;
For look where Beatrice, like a lapwing, runs
Low to the ground, to listen to our conversation.

URSULA.
The best fishing is watching the fish
Slice through the silver stream with their golden fins,
And eagerly consume the deceptive bait:
So we’re fishing for Beatrice, who is right now
Hidden in the vines.
Don’t worry about my part of the conversation.

HERO.
Then let's get closer to her, so she doesn't miss any of the deceptive sweet lure we've set for her.

They move to the bower.

No, really, Ursula, she is way too dismissive;
I know her feelings are as shy and untamed
As wild hawks in the mountains.

URSULA.
But are you really sure
That Benedick loves Beatrice so completely?

HERO.
That's what the Prince says, and my soon-to-be husband.

URSULA.
And did they ask you to tell her about it, ma'am?

HERO.
They asked me to tell her about it;
But I convinced them, if they loved Benedick,
To hope he would struggle with his feelings,
And never let Beatrice find out.

URSULA.
Why did you do that? Doesn’t the gentleman
Deserve as comfortable a bed
As ever Beatrice will sleep on?

HERO.
Oh god of love! I know he deserves
As much as can be given to a man;
But Nature never created a woman’s heart
With prouder stuff than Beatrice;
Disdain and scorn shine brightly in her eyes,
Underestimating what they see, and her wit
Values itself so highly that to her
Everything else seems weak. She cannot love,
Nor take any form or expression of affection,
She is so wrapped up in herself.

URSULA.
Yeah, I think so;
And so it definitely wouldn't be good
She knew his love, so she wouldn't make fun of it.

HERO.
You're right. I've never seen a man,
So wise, so noble, young, and so uniquely handsome,
That she wouldn’t turn it around: if he's good-looking,
She’d claim the guy must be her sister; If he’s dark, well, Nature must have messed up,
Made a terrible mistake; if he’s tall, he’s awkwardly proportioned;
If short, just a poorly shaped stone;
If he talks, then he's just getting blown around like the wind;
If he's quiet, he's just a lifeless block.
So she flips every man inside out,
And never gives truth and virtue what
Simplicity and merit deserve.

URSULA.
Sure, sure, complaining like that isn't helpful.

HERO.
No; being so strange and unlike everyone else,
As Beatrice is, can't be a good thing.
But who would be brave enough to tell her that? If I said anything,
She would just make fun of me: Oh! she would laugh me
Out of my mind, crush me to death with her wit.
So let Benedick, like a smoldering fire,
Burn away in sighs, suffer quietly:
It would be a better way to go than to die from her teasing,
Which is just as bad as dying from tickling.

URSULA.
But tell her about it: see what she has to say.

HERO.
No; instead, I will go to Benedick,
And talk him into resisting his feelings.
Honestly, I’ll come up with some decent insults
To tarnish my cousin's reputation. You never know
How much a harsh word can ruin affection.

URSULA.
Oh! don’t do your cousin such a disservice.
She can't be lacking in good judgment,—
Having such a quick and brilliant mind
As she’s known to have,—that she'd turn down
Such a rare gentleman as Signior Benedick.

HERO.
He is the only man in Italy,
Except for my dear Claudio.

URSULA.
Please don’t be mad at me, ma’am,
For speaking my mind: Signior Benedick,
For looks, attitude, cleverness, and bravery,
He’s the most talked-about man in Italy.

HERO.
Yeah, he has a really great reputation.

URSULA.
He deserved it before he even had it.
When are you getting married, ma'am?

HERO.
Why, every day, tomorrow. Come in:
I’ll show you some outfits, and I’d like your advice
on which is best to wear tomorrow.

URSULA.
I’m sure she’s trapped,
We've got her, ma'am.

HERO.
If that's the case, then love happens by chance:
Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

[Hero and Ursula exit.]

BEATRICE.
[Walking forward.] What’s this burning in my ears? Can this really be true?
Am I really condemned for being proud and scornful?
Goodbye, contempt! And farewell, maiden pride!
There’s no glory in holding onto that.
And, Benedick, keep loving; I will return it to you,
Calming my wild heart to your gentle touch:
If you love me, my kindness will inspire you
To tie our loves together in a sacred bond;
For others say you deserve it, and I
Believe it’s better than what people say.

[Leave.]

Enter Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, and Leonato.

DON PEDRO.
I’m just here until your marriage is complete, then I’ll head to Aragon.

CLAUDIO.
I'll take you there, my lord, if you'll allow me.

DON PEDRO.
No, that would be just as big a disappointment in the excitement of your marriage as showing a child his new coat and telling him he can't wear it. I’ll only tease Benedick because of his company; from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, he’s all about fun. He’s escaped love’s grasp a couple of times, and even Cupid wouldn’t dare take aim at him. He has a heart as pure as a bell, and his tongue is the clapper; what his heart feels, his tongue says.

BENEDICK.
Guys, I’m not the same as I used to be.

LEONATO.
I agree: I think you seem sadder.

CLAUDIO.
I hope he is in love.

DON PEDRO.
Hang him, slacker! There's not a real drop of blood in him that can be genuinely moved by love. If he's feeling down, he just wants money.

BENEDICK.
I have a toothache.

Don Pedro.
Draw it.

BENEDICK.
Forget it.

CLAUDIO.
You need to hang it first, and then draw it afterwards.

DON PEDRO.
What! Are you seriously sighing over a toothache?

LEONATO.
Where is there just a mood or a worm?

BENEDICK.
Well, everyone can handle a sadness except the person who feels it.

CLAUDIO.
But I still say he is in love.

DON PEDRO.
He doesn't seem to have any whims, except maybe for a love of odd disguises; like being Dutch today, French tomorrow; or a mix of two nationalities at once, being German from the waist down, all baggy pants, and Spanish from the hips up, without a jacket. Unless he enjoys this silliness, which it looks like he does, he's not a fool for whimsical things, as you suggest he is.

CLAUDIO.
If he's not in love with some woman, then old signs don't mean anything: he brushes his hat in the mornings; what could that mean?

DON PEDRO.
Has anyone seen him at the barber's?

CLAUDIO.
No, but the barber’s assistant has been spotted with him; and the old decoration on his cheek has already been used to stuff tennis balls.

LEONATO.
He definitely looks younger than he used to, now that he doesn't have a beard.

DON PEDRO.
No, he spreads civet on himself: can you pick up on that smell?

CLAUDIO.
That’s just to say the nice young guy is in love.

DON PEDRO.
The most striking thing about him is his sadness.

CLAUDIO.
And when did he usually wash his face?

DON PEDRO.
Yeah, or to make himself look good? Because I’ve heard what they’re saying about him.

CLAUDIO.
No, but his joking nature, which has now turned into a lute string, and is now controlled by the frets.

DON PEDRO.
Seriously, that sounds like a tough situation for him. It’s clear he’s in love.

CLAUDIO.
No, but I know who loves him.

DON PEDRO.
I’d like to know that as well: I bet it’s someone who doesn’t know him.

CLAUDIO.
Yeah, and his bad situation; and despite everything, he dies for him.

DON PEDRO.
She will be buried with her face up.

BENEDICK.
But this won't help with a toothache. Old man, walk with me for a moment: I’ve thought of a few smart things to say to you that these distractions shouldn’t hear.

[Exit Benedick and Leonato.]

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, I can’t end things with him over Beatrice.

CLAUDIO.
It’s true. Hero and Margaret have done their part with Beatrice, and now the two bears won’t fight when they meet.

Enter Don John.

DON JOHN.
My lord and brother, great to see you!

DON PEDRO.
Good day, brother.

DON JOHN.
If you have some free time, I’d like to talk to you.

DON PEDRO.
In private?

DON JOHN.
If it’s okay with you; still, Count Claudio might hear, because what I want to talk about involves him.

DON PEDRO.
What's going on?

DON JOHN.
[To Claudio.] Do you really intend to get married tomorrow?

DON PEDRO.
You know he does.

DON JOHN.
I don’t know that, once he learns what I know.

CLAUDIO.
If there’s any obstacle, please let me know.

DON JOHN.
You might think I don't love you: let's see how that unfolds later, and try harder to understand me by what I'm about to show. As for my brother, I believe he cares for you and has genuinely helped make your upcoming marriage happen; truly a wasted effort and poorly spent time!

DON PEDRO.
What's wrong?

DON JOHN.
I came here to tell you, and to get straight to the point—she has been talking for too long—the lady is unfaithful.

Who, Hero?

DON JOHN.
Even she: Leonato’s Hero, your Hero, every guy’s Hero.

CLAUDIO.
Unfaithful?

DON JOHN.
The word is too nice to cover up her wickedness; I could say she’s even worse: think of a worse name, and I’ll match her to it. Don’t be surprised until you have more proof: just come with me tonight, and you’ll see her bedroom window opened, even the night before her wedding day: if you love her then, marry her tomorrow; but it would be better for your honor to reconsider.

CLAUDIO.
Is this really happening?

DON PEDRO.
I refuse to believe it.

DON JOHN.
If you can’t trust what you see, then don’t act like you know it. If you want to follow me, I’ll show you enough; and once you’ve seen and heard more, you can decide what to do next.

CLAUDIO.
If I see anything tonight that makes me think I shouldn't marry her tomorrow, in front of everyone at the wedding, that's where I'll embarrass her.

DON PEDRO.
And just as I sought her for you, I will work with you to shame her.

DON JOHN.
I won't talk poorly about her anymore until you're my witnesses: stay calm about it until midnight, and we'll see what happens.

DON PEDRO.
Oh no, what a bad day!

CLAUDIO.
Oh, what a twist of fate!

DON JOHN.
Oh, what a disaster avoided! You’ll say that when you see what happens next.

[Exit.]

Enter Dogberry and Verges, with the Watch.

DOGBERRY.
Are you trustworthy people?

VERGES.
Yeah, or else it would be a shame if they didn't find salvation, body and soul.

DOGBERRY.
No way, that would be too good a punishment for them, if they had any loyalty at all, being selected for the Prince’s watch.

VERGES.
Alright, just go ahead and give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.

DOGBERRY.
First, who do you think is the most useless man to be constable?

FIRST WATCH.
Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal; because they can read and write.

DOGBERRY.
Come here, neighbor Seacoal. God has blessed you with a good name: being a good-looking person is a gift from Fortune; but being able to read and write comes naturally.

SECOND WATCH.
Both of which, Master Constable,—

DOGBERRY.
You have: I knew that would be your answer. Well, for your favor, sir, just give thanks to God and don’t brag about it; and as for your reading and writing, let that show when there’s no need for such pride. People think you’re the most clueless and suitable person for the constable of the watch; so you take the lantern. This is your duty: you’ll keep an eye on all stray men; you are to tell any man to stop, in the Prince’s name.

SECOND WATCH.
How, if he won't stand?

DOGBERRY.
Well, then, just ignore him and let him go; and gather the rest of the watch together soon, and be grateful that you've gotten rid of a fraud.

VERGES.
If he won’t stand up when asked, he’s not one of the Prince’s subjects.

DOGBERRY.
That's right, and they are only supposed to deal with the Prince’s subjects. You also need to keep it down in the streets: because it's really annoying and unacceptable for the watch to chatter and gossip.

SECOND WATCH.
We'd rather sleep than talk: we know what it means to be on watch.

DOGBERRY.
Well, you talk like an old-fashioned and very calm watchman, because I don't see how sleeping can be a problem; just make sure your notices aren’t taken. Anyway, you need to stop by all the bars and tell those who are drunk to go to bed.

SECOND WATCH.
What if they don’t?

DOGBERRY.
Well then, just leave them alone until they sober up: if they still don’t give you a better response, you can say they’re not who you thought they were.

SECOND WATCH.
Alright, sir.

DOGBERRY.
If you come across a thief, you might think he’s not a true man because of your position, and when it comes to those kinds of people, the less you interact with them, the better it is for your integrity.

SECOND WATCH.
If we know he's a thief, shouldn't we grab him?

DOGBERRY.
Honestly, through your position, you can; but I believe that anyone who handles pitch will get dirty. The easiest thing for you to do if you catch a thief is to let him reveal his true nature and leave your group.

VERGES.
You've always been known as a merciful man, partner.

DOGBERRY.
Honestly, I wouldn’t want to hang a dog by choice, let alone a man who has any integrity.

VERGES.
If you hear a child crying at night, you should call for the nurse and ask her to calm it down.

SECOND WATCH.
What if the nurse is asleep and won't hear us?

DOGBERRY.
Well then, leave in peace, and let the child wake her by crying; because the ewe that won’t listen to her lamb when it bleats will never respond to a calf when it calls.

VERGES.
It's very true.

DOGBERRY.
This is the end of the instructions. You, constable, need to present the Prince himself: if you see the Prince at night, you may stop him.

VERGES.
No, by my lady, I don't think I can.

DOGBERRY.
Five shillings to one on it, any man who knows the laws can detain him: but only if the Prince agrees; because, honestly, the watch shouldn't bother anyone, and it's wrong to hold someone against their will.

VERGES.
By my lady, I think it is so.

DOGBERRY.
Ha, ah, ha! Well, everyone, good night: if there’s anything important that comes up, give me a shout: keep your friends’ advice and your own in mind, and good night. Come on, neighbor.

SECOND WATCH.
Well, gentlemen, we’ve heard our duty: let’s go sit here on the church bench until two, and then we’ll head to bed.

DOGBERRY.
Just one more thing, my good neighbors. Please keep an eye on Signior Leonato’s door; since the wedding is happening there tomorrow, there’s a lot going on tonight. Goodbye; please stay alert, I ask you.

Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.

Enter Borachio and Conrade.

BORACHIO.
What’s up, Conrade!

WATCH.
[Aside] Peace! don't disturb.

BORACHIO.
Conrade, I'm saying!

CONRADE.
Hey, man. I'm right here beside you.

BORACHIO.
Man, my elbow was itching; I thought a scab was going to form.

CONRADE.
I owe you an answer for that; now go ahead with your story.

BORACHIO.
Stay close under this awning, it's drizzling, and I’ll spill everything to you, like a real drunkard.

WATCH.
[Aside] Some betrayal, masters; but stay close.

BORACHIO.
So you know, I’ve earned a thousand ducats from Don John.

CONRADE.
Is it possible for any wrongdoing to be so cherished?

BORACHIO.
You should rather ask if it's possible for any villain to be that wealthy; because when rich villains need poor ones, the poor can demand whatever price they want.

CONRADE.
I find it surprising.

BORACHIO.
That shows you’re not sure of yourself. You know that the style of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak doesn't really matter to a man.

CONRADE.
Yes, it's clothing.

BORACHIO.
I mean, the style.

CONRADE.
Yeah, trends are trends.

BORACHIO.
Come on! I might as well call the fool a fool. But can't you see what a distorted thief this style is?

WATCH.
[Aside] I know that Deformed has been a terrible thief for seven years; he walks around like he’s a gentleman: I remember his name.

BORACHIO.
Did you not hear someone?

CONRADE.
No: it was the weathervane on the house.

BORACHIO.
Don't you see what a twisted thief this fashion is? How it spins around all the hot-blooded people between fourteen and thirty-five? Sometimes making them look like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the smoky painting; sometimes like the priests of the god Bel in the old church window; sometimes like the clean-shaven Hercules in the tattered, dirty tapestry, where his codpiece looks as big as his club?

CONRADE.
I see all this, and I notice that trends use up more clothes than the person does. But aren't you a bit caught up in trends as well, since you’ve switched from your story to talk to me about fashion?

BORACHIO.
Not at all; but just so you know, I’ve been flirting with Margaret, Hero’s maid, tonight, calling her Hero: she leaned out from her mistress's window and said good night to me a thousand times—I’m telling this story really poorly:—I should first explain how the Prince, Claudio, and my boss, Don John, saw this charming scene from a distance in the orchard.

CONRADE.
And did they really think Margaret was Hero?

BORACHIO.
Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio; but my master, the devil, knew she was Margaret; and partly because of his oaths that first misled them, partly because of the dark night that fooled them, but mainly because of my treachery, which confirmed any slander Don John had spread, Claudio stormed off. He swore he would confront her, as planned, the next morning at the temple, and there, in front of the whole crowd, shame her with what he saw the night before, and send her home without a husband.

FIRST WATCH.
We command you in the Prince’s name, stop!

SECOND WATCH.
Call for the right Master Constable. We have uncovered the most dangerous act of lechery ever known in this community.

FIRST WATCH.
And one Deformed is one of them: I know him, he has a lock of hair.

CONRADE.
Hey, everyone!

SECOND WATCH.
I’m sure you’ll be asked to bring Deformed out.

CONRADE.
Masters,—

FIRST WATCH.
Don't say a word: we ask you to let us follow you.

BORACHIO. We're likely to turn out to be quite the valuable asset since we're being picked up from these guys' lists.

CONRADE.
I bet that’s a hot topic. Alright, we’ll follow your lead.

[Exit.]

Enter Hero, Margaret and Ursula.

HERO.
Good Ursula, wake up my cousin Beatrice and ask her to get up.

Sure thing, lady.

HERO.
And tell her to come here.

URSULA.
Alright.

[Leave.]

MARGARET.
Honestly, I think your other collar was better.

HERO.
No, please, good Meg, I’ll wear this.

MARGARET.
Honestly, it's not that great; and I bet your cousin will agree.

HERO.
My cousin’s an idiot, and you are too: I’m only wearing this.

MARGARET.
I really like the new tire, but it would be perfect if the hair were a bit browner. And your gown is such a unique style, I swear. I saw the gown of the Duchess of Milan that everyone is raving about.

HERO.
Oh, that's impressive, they say.

MARGARET.
Honestly, it's just a nightgown compared to yours: made of gold fabric, designed beautifully with silver lace, adorned with pearls, and stylishly accented on the sleeves and hem, finished with a bluish sparkle; but for elegance and an exquisite style, yours is worth ten of mine.

HERO.
God, let me feel joy in wearing it! because my heart is extremely heavy.

MARGARET.
It’s going to be heavier soon because of a man.

HERO.
Shame on you! Aren't you embarrassed?

MARGARET.
About what, my lady? About speaking honorably? Isn’t marriage honorable for a beggar? Isn’t your lord honorable even without marriage? I believe you want me to say, with all due respect, ‘a husband’: and if bad thoughts don’t twist true speech, I won’t offend anyone. Is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a husband’? I don’t think so, as long as it’s the right husband and the right wife; otherwise it’s light and not heavy at all: ask my Lady Beatrice, she’s coming now.

Enter Beatrice.

HERO.
Good morning, cousin.

BEATRICE.
Good morning, sweet Hero.

HERO.
What’s going on? Are you talking in that sad tone?

BEATRICE.
I feel completely out of sync, I think.

MARGARET.
Clap’s into ‘Light o’ love’; that’s easy to handle: you sing it, and I’ll dance to it.

BEATRICE.
Oh, bright light of love with your heels! If your husband has enough stables, you'll see he won't be short on barns.

MARGARET.
Oh, what a ridiculous creation! I scoff at it with my heels.

BEATRICE.
It's almost five o'clock, cousin; it's time for you to get ready. Honestly, I'm feeling really sick. Heigh-ho!

MARGARET.
For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?

BEATRICE.
For the letter that starts it all, H.

MARGARET.
Well, as long as you haven't converted to Islam, there’s no more navigating by the stars.

BEATRICE.
What does the fool mean, I wonder?

MARGARET.
Nothing from me; but may God grant everyone their heart's desire!

HERO.
The Count sent me these gloves; they have a wonderful scent.

BEATRICE.
I’m so full, cousin, I can’t smell anything.

MARGARET.
A maid, and stuffed up! That’s a great way to catch a cold.

BEATRICE.
Oh, God, help me! God, help me! How long have you been worried?

MARGARET.
Ever since you left, my cleverness has definitely been impressive!

BEATRICE.
You don't show it enough; you should flaunt it in your cap. Honestly, I'm feeling unwell.

MARGARET.
Get some of this distilled Carduus benedictus, and put it to your heart: it’s the only thing for a queasy feeling.

HERO.
There you poke her with a thistle.

BEATRICE.
Benedict! Why Benedict? You have some significance in this Benedict.

MARGARET.
Honestly, no, I don’t have a deep moral message; I meant just plain holy thistle. You might think that I believe you’re in love: but no, by my lady, I’m not foolish enough to think whatever I want; nor do I want to think what I can; and honestly, I can’t even think if I tried to think my heart out of thinking, that you’re in love, or that you will be in love, or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was just like that, and now he’s changed: he swore he’d never marry; and yet now, despite what he feels, he eats his meals without complaint: and how you could be changed, I don’t know; but it seems to me you look with your eyes just like other women do.

BEATRICE.
What speed are you talking at?

MARGARET.
Not a fake run.

Re-enter Ursula.

URSULA.
Ma'am, please step back: the Prince, the Count, Signior Benedick, Don John, and all the gentlemen of the town have come to take you to church.

HERO.
Help me get dressed, good cousin, good Meg, good Ursula.

[Exit.]

Enter Leonato, Dogberry, and Verges.

LEONATO.
What do you want from me, my honest neighbor?

DOGBERRY.
Honestly, sir, I would like to have a private conversation with you, as it concerns you closely.

LEONATO.
Please be quick; as you can see, I have a lot going on right now.

DOGBERRY.
Honestly, this is it, sir.

VERGES.
Yes, it really is, sir.

LEONATO.
What’s going on, my good friends?

DOGBERRY.
Goodman Verges, sir, isn’t exactly on point: he’s an old man, sir, and his mind isn’t as dull as I’d like it to be; but, honestly, he’s as trustworthy as the skin on his forehead.

VERGES.
Yes, I thank God, I am as honest as any man alive, that is an old man and no more honest than I am.

DOGBERRY.
Comparisons suck: words, neighbor Verges.

LEONATO.
Neighbors, you are annoying.

DOGBERRY.
I know you like to say that, but we’re just the Duke’s lowly officers; honestly, if I were as boring as a king, I would gladly give it all to you.

LEONATO.
You're putting all your irritation on me! Huh?

DOGBERRY.
Yeah, even if it were a thousand pounds more than it is; because I hear just as much praise about you as anyone in the city, and even though I'm just a poor man, I'm happy to hear it.

VERGES.
So am I.

LEONATO.
I’d really like to know what you have to say.

VERGES.
Honestly, sir, our watch tonight, aside from your presence, has caught a couple of the most notorious criminals in Messina.

DOGBERRY.
A good old man, sir; he'll keep talking; as they say, 'when you're old, you've lost your edge.' God help us! It's a sight to see! Well said, truly, neighbor Verges: well, God’s a good man; and when two people are on a horse, one has to ride behind. An honest guy, truly, sir; I swear he is, as honest as anyone who’s ever shared a meal; but God is to be worshipped: not everyone is the same; alas! good neighbor.

LEONATO.
Honestly, neighbor, he's not even close to your level.

DOGBERRY.
God's gifts.

I have to go.

DOGBERRY.
One word, sir: our watch has indeed captured two suspicious individuals, and we would like them examined this morning before you.

LEONATO.
You should question them yourself and bring me the results: I'm in a big hurry, as you can see.

DOGBERRY.
It will be enough.

LEONATO.
Have some wine before you leave: take care.

Join a Messenger.

MESSENGER.
My lord, they are waiting for you to give your daughter to her husband.

LEONATO.
I'll wait for them: I'm ready.

[Leonato and Messenger exit.]

DOGBERRY.
Go on, my good partner, and get Francis Seacoal; tell him to bring his pen and ink to the jail: we need to question these men now.

VERGES.
And we need to do it wisely.

DOGBERRY.
We won't hold back on our cleverness, I assure you; this will send some of them packing: just have the educated writer draft our excommunication, and meet me at the jail.

[Exit.]

Enter Don Pedro, Don John, Leonato, Friar Francis, Claudio, Benedick, Hero, Beatrice &c.

LEONATO.
Come on, Friar Francis, keep it short: just get to the basic marriage vows, and you can explain their specific responsibilities later.

FRIAR.
You’ve come here, my lord, to marry this lady?

CLAUDIO.
No.

LEONATO.
You’re here to marry her, friar; you’re going to marry her.

FRIAR.
Lady, have you come here to marry this Count?

HERO.
I definitely do.

FRIAR.
If either of you knows any personal reason why you shouldn't be together, I urge you, on your souls, to speak up.

CLAUDIO.
Do you know any, Hero?

HERO.
No, my lord.

FRIAR.
Do you know any, Count?

LEONATO.
I bet he'll have no answer.

CLAUDIO.
Oh! What risks men take! What men are capable of! What men do every day, without even realizing it!

BENEDICK.
What's this? Interjections? Well then, some of them are for laughing, like ah! ha! he!

CLAUDIO.
Stand by, Friar. Father, if you don’t mind:
Will you freely and willingly give me this girl, your daughter?

LEONATO.
As freely, son, as God gave her to me.

CLAUDIO.
And what can I give you in return that’s worth enough
To match this rich and precious gift?

DON PEDRO.
Nothing, unless you give her back to me.

CLAUDIO.
Sweet Prince, you've taught me to be truly grateful.
Here, Leonato, take her back:
Don’t give this worthless person to your friend;
She’s just a symbol of her honor.
Look! how she blushes like a girl right now.
Oh! what authority and appearance of truth
Can clever sin hide behind.
Doesn’t that blushing serve as clear proof
Of simple virtue? Would you not swear,
All of you who see her, that she’s a pure girl,
Based on these outside appearances? But she isn’t:
She knows the heat of a promiscuous bed;
Her blush is shame, not modesty.

LEONATO.
What are you talking about, my lord?

CLAUDIO.
I don’t want to get married,
I don’t want to tie my life to someone who’s known to be promiscuous.

LEONATO.
Dear lord, if you have, through your own experience,
Overcome the challenges of her youth,
And taken away her virginity,—

CLAUDIO.
I know what you're going to say: if I had known her,
You would claim she welcomed me as a husband,
And that would lessen the earlier sin: No, Leonato,
I never tempted her with inappropriate words;
But instead showed bashful sincerity and genuine love like a brother would to his sister.

HERO.
Did I ever seem different to you?

CLAUDIO.
Get away from me! Seeming! I'm going to write against it:
You look to me like Diana in her circle,
As pure as a bud before it blooms;
But you're more uncontrolled in your desires
Than Venus, or those spoiled creatures
That go wild in their lust.

HERO.
Is my lord okay, that he talks so much?

LEONATO.
Sweet Prince, why aren't you speaking?

DON PEDRO.
What should I say?
I feel disgraced for trying to connect my dear friend to someone so ordinary.

LEONATO.
Are these things real, or am I just dreaming?

DON JOHN.
Sir, it's been said, and these things are true.

BENEDICK.
This doesn't seem like a wedding.

HERO.
True! Oh God!

CLAUDIO.
Leonato, am I standing here?
Is this the Prince? Is this the Prince’s brother?
Is this face Hero’s? Are our eyes our own?

LEONATO.
Everything you’ve said is true; but what about this, my lord?

CLAUDIO.
Let me ask your daughter just one question,
And with that fatherly and gentle authority
You have over her, tell her to answer honestly.

LEONATO.
I insist that you do this, since you're my child.

HERO.
Oh, God help me! How am I surrounded!
What kind of questioning is this?

CLAUDIO.
To ensure you respond honestly to your name.

HERO.
Is that not Hero? Who can tarnish that name
With any fair criticism?

CLAUDIO.
Honestly, that can be Hero:
Hero herself can ruin her own virtue.
Which guy were you talking to last night
At your window, between midnight and one?
Now, if you're a virgin, answer this.

HERO.
I didn't talk to anyone at that time, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
Then why aren't you a virgin?
Leonato, I’m sorry you have to hear this: on my honor,
I, my brother, and this upset Count,
Saw her and heard her last night,
Talking with a thug at her bedroom window;
Who, like a true villain,
Admitted to the terrible things they've done
A thousand times in secret.

DON JOHN.
Come on, come on! They shouldn't be named, my lord,
Not to be talked about;
There isn't enough purity in words
To mention them without causing offense. So, dear lady,
I'm sorry for how you've been treated.

CLAUDIO.
Oh Hero! What a Hero you could have been,
If just half of your looks were matched
By the thoughts and intentions in your heart!
But goodbye, you who are both ugly and beautiful! farewell,
You pure wickedness, and wicked purity!
For you, I’ll close off all the doors to love,
And I’ll let suspicion settle on my eyelids,
Turning all beauty into harmful thoughts,
And it will never again be kind.

LEONATO.
Doesn’t anyone here have a dagger to use on me?

[Hero faints.]

BEATRICE.
Hey, what’s wrong, cousin? Why are you feeling down?

DON JOHN.
Come on, let’s go. These things come to light like this,
Crushing her spirit.

[Exit Don Pedro, Don John and Claudio.]

BENEDICK.
How is the lady?

BEATRICE.
She's dead, I think! Help, uncle! Hero! Hey, Hero! Uncle! Mr. Benedick! Friar!

LEONATO.
Oh Fate! don’t take away your heavy hand:
Death is the best way to hide her shame
That anyone could wish for.

BEATRICE.
What's up, cousin Hero?

FRIAR.
Stay strong, lady.

LEONATO.
Do you look up?

FRIAR.
Yeah; why shouldn't she?

LEONATO.
Why! Does not everything on earth
Shame her? Could she deny
The story that’s written in her blood?
Don't live, Hero; don't open your eyes;
For if I thought you wouldn’t die quickly,
If I thought your spirit was stronger than your shame,
I would strike at your life regardless of the reproaches.
Am I grieved that I had only one?
Did I complain about that at Nature’s frugal design?
Oh! One too many because of you. Why did I have one?
Why were you ever lovely in my eyes?
Why didn’t I kindly take in a beggar’s child at my door,
Someone stained and covered in disgrace?
I could have said, ‘None of this is mine;
This shame comes from unknown parents?’
But mine, and I loved mine, and praised mine,
And I was so proud of mine,
That I almost didn’t feel like mine,
Valuing her; why, she—Oh! She has fallen
Into a pit of ink, that even the vast sea
Has too few drops to wash her clean again,
And there's not enough salt to add flavor
To her foul, tainted flesh.

BENEDICK.
Sir, please be patient.
As for me, I'm so filled with wonder,
I don’t even know what to say.

BEATRICE.
Oh! I swear, my cousin is being wrongly accused!

BENEDICK.
Lady, were you sharing a bed with her last night?

BEATRICE.
No, really, I haven't; although, until last night,
I have spent this past year sharing her bed.

LEONATO.
Confirmed, confirmed! Oh! It’s made stronger,
What was previously blocked up with iron bars.
Could the two princes really lie? And Claudio lie,
Who loved her so much that, when talking about her shame,
Cleansed it with tears? Get her away from here! Let her die.

FRIAR.
Listen to me for a moment;
I’ve been quiet for so long,
And let fate take its course,
By observing the lady: I’ve noticed
A thousand blushes appear
On her face; a thousand innocent shames
In her angelic whiteness carry away those blushes;
And in her eye, there’s been a spark,
To burn away the misunderstandings these princes have
About her honesty. You can call me a fool;
Don’t trust my insights or my observations,
Which, based on experience, guarantee
The content of my thoughts; don’t trust my age,
My respect, my position, or my faith,
If this sweet lady isn’t guiltless here
Under some cruel misconception.

LEONATO.
Friar, it can't be.
You see that all the grace she has left
Is that she won't add to her damnation
By committing a sin of lying: she isn't denying it.
So why are you trying to cover up
What is clearly visible in its true form?

FRIAR.
Lady, which man are you being accused of?

HERO.
They know that they accuse me, but I know no one;
If I know anything more about any man alive
Than what a modest woman should know,
May all my sins be without mercy! Oh, my father!
Show me that any man spoke to me
At inappropriate times, or that I argued
With anyone last night,
And then refuse me, hate me, or torture me to death.

FRIAR.
There is some weird misunderstanding among the princes.

BENEDICK.
Two of them are really committed to honor;
And if they're mistaken about this,
The one who truly embodies it is John the bastard,
Whose nature is full of deceit.

LEONATO.
I don’t know. If they’re telling the truth about her,
I’ll make them pay; if they’re hurting her reputation,
The most arrogant of them will hear about it.
Time hasn’t yet drained the blood from my veins,
Nor has age dulled my creativity,
Nor has bad luck wrecked my resources,
Nor has my poor life taken away so many friends,
That they won’t find, stirred to action,
Both strength in my body and cleverness in my mind,
Resources at my disposal and good friends to choose from,
To thoroughly get even with them.

FRIAR.
Hold on for a moment,
And let my advice guide you in this situation.
The princes thought your daughter was dead;
Keep her hidden for now,
And spread the word that she has truly died:
Put on a public show of mourning;
And on your family's old tombstone
Hang sad epitaphs and perform all the rites
That go along with a burial.

LEONATO.
What will happen now? What will this lead to?

FRIAR.
Well, if this goes well, it’ll turn slander into regret on her behalf; that’s something good.
But I'm not pursuing this for that reason; I’m looking for something bigger.
When she dies, as it must be accepted,
Right after she’s accused,
People will mourn, feel sorry for her, and forgive her
Because that’s how it happens:
We don’t value what we have while we have it,
But when it’s gone, we start to see its true worth.
Only then do we recognize the value we overlooked
While we owned it. It will be the same with Claudio:
When he hears she died because of his words,
The memory of her life will gently invade
His thoughts, and every beautiful aspect of her
Will appear dressed in a more precious light,
More moving, delicate, and vibrant
In the eyes and heart of his soul,
Than when she was actually alive: then he will grieve—
If he ever truly loved her—
And wish he hadn't accused her,
Even though he believed his accusation was right.
Let it happen this way, and trust that success
Will shape the outcome better
Than I can predict it will.
But if every other intention fails,
The belief in the lady’s death
Will put out the fire of her scandal:
And if things don’t go well, you can hide her—
As is best for her damaged reputation—
In some quiet, religious life,
Away from all eyes, gossip, thoughts, and harm.

BENEDICK.
Mr. Leonato, let the friar give you some advice:
And even though you know how much I care for the Prince and Claudio,
I promise, on my honor, to handle this
As discreetly and fairly as your soul
Should with your body.

LEONATO.
Since I'm overwhelmed with sadness,
Even the slightest thread can guide me.

FRIAR.
It's agreed: let’s go right away;
For weird wounds require unique treatments.
Come, lady, let’s die to truly live: this wedding day
Might just be extended: have patience and hang in there.

[Exit Friar, Hero and Leonato.]

BENEDICK.
Lady Beatrice, have you been crying this whole time?

BEATRICE.
Yeah, and I'll cry for a little longer.

Benedick: I won't ask for that.

BEATRICE.
You have no reason to worry; I’m doing it willingly.

BENEDICK.
I really believe your cousin has been treated unfairly.

BEATRICE.
Ah! how much I would owe to the man who would set her straight.

BENEDICK.
Is there any way to express such friendship?

BEATRICE.
In a very straightforward manner, but without such a friend.

Can a man do it?

BEATRICE.
It's a man's job, but not yours.

BENEDICK.
I love nothing in the world as much as you: isn’t that weird?

BEATRICE.
As strange as this thing is, I can't really explain it. It would be just as possible for me to say I love nothing more than you; but don’t believe me, and yet I’m not lying; I’m not confessing anything, nor am I denying anything. I feel bad for my cousin.

BENEDICK.
I swear on my sword, Beatrice, you love me.

BEATRICE.
Don't swear by it, just eat it.

BENEDICK.
I swear that you love me; and I'll make anyone who says I don't love you eat their words.

BEATRICE.
Aren't you going to take back what you said?

BENEDICK.
There's no way to dress it up. I swear I love you.

BEATRICE.
Why, then, God forgive me!

BENEDICK.
What’s wrong, sweet Beatrice?

BEATRICE.
You've caught me at the perfect moment: I was just about to say that I love you.

BENEDICK.
And do it with all your heart.

BEATRICE.
I love you with all my heart, so there's none left to complain.

BENEDICK.
Come on, ask me to do anything for you.

Beatrice.
Take out Claudio.

BENEDICK.
Ha! Not for anything in the world.

BEATRICE.
You’re killing me by pretending it's not true. Goodbye.

Wait, sweet Beatrice.

BEATRICE.
I'm leaving, even if I'm still here: you don't have any love for me: please, just let me go.

BENEDICK.
Beatrice,—

BEATRICE.
I’ll go for sure.

BENEDICK.
Let’s be friends first.

BEATRICE.
You're more willing to be friends with me than to fight my enemy.

BENEDICK.
Is Claudio your enemy?

BEATRICE.
Isn't he the worst kind of villain, who has slandered, disrespected, and dishonored my relative? Oh! if only I were a man. What? To pretend to be friendly until they come to shake hands, and then publicly accuse him of hidden slander and pure malice—oh God, if only I were a man! I would cut out his heart right in the marketplace.

BENEDICK.
Listen to me, Beatrice,—

BEATRICE.
Talking with a guy through a window! What a ridiculous idea!

BENEDICK.
No, but Beatrice,—

BEATRICE.
Sweet Hero! She’s been wronged, she’s been slandered, she’s been ruined.

Beat—

BEATRICE.
Princes and Earls! What a noble compliment, a fine Count Comfect; such a charming guy, for sure! Oh! I wish I were a man for his sake, or that I had a friend who would be a man for my sake! But manhood has turned into bows, bravery into flattery, and men have become nothing but smooth talkers, and slick ones at that: he is now as brave as Hercules, who only tells a lie and backs it up with an oath. I can't be a man just by wishing, so I guess I’ll just have to die a woman filled with sorrow.

BENEDICK.
Wait, good Beatrice. I swear, I love you.

BEATRICE.
Use it for my love in a different way than just swearing by it.

BENEDICK.
Do you really believe in your heart that Count Claudio has wronged Hero?

BEATRICE.
Yeah, as sure as I have a thought or a soul.

BENEDICK.
That's enough! I'm in, I’ll challenge him. I’ll kiss your hand, and then I’ll take my leave. By this hand, Claudio will owe me a serious explanation. As you hear from me, so think of me. Go, comfort your cousin: I have to say she’s gone; and with that, farewell.

[Leave the stage.]

Enter Dogberry, Verges, and Sexton, in gowns; and the Watch, with Conrad and Borachio.

DOGBERRY.
Is our entire assembly here?

VERGES.
Oh! a stool and a cushion for the grave digger.

SEXTON.
Who are the wrongdoers?

DOGBERRY.
Sure, that's who I am along with my partner.

VERGES.
No, that's for sure: we need to check out the exhibition.

SEXTON.
But which offenders are we going to examine? Let them come in front of Master Constable.

DOGBERRY.
Yeah, sure, let them come in front of me. What's your name, friend?

Borachio.

DOGBERRY.
Please write down Borachio. Yours, buddy?

CONRADE.
I'm a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.

DOGBERRY.
Write down Master gentleman Conrade. So, gentlemen, do you serve God?

BOTH.
Yeah, sir, we hope.

DOGBERRY.
Write down that they hope to serve God: and put God first; because God forbid that God shouldn't go before such villains! Masters, it’s already been proven that you are hardly better than deceitful knaves, and soon it will be thought that way. How do you defend yourselves?

CONRADE.
Honestly, sir, we say we are not.

DOGBERRY.
A truly clever guy, I promise you; but I will stick with him. Come here, you; I need to talk to you: listen, I’m saying this to you, people think you are deceitful rogues.

BORACHIO.
I'm telling you, we are nobody.

DOGBERRY.
Well, stand aside. I swear, they're both lying. Have you noted that they’re not?

SEXTON.
Master Constable, you're not approaching this correctly: you need to bring in the watch who are their accusers.

DOGBERRY.
Yeah, for sure, that’s the best way. Let the watch come out. Masters, I’m telling you, in the Prince’s name, accuse these men.

FIRST WATCH.
This guy mentioned, sir, that Don John, the Prince’s brother, was a crook.

DOGBERRY.
Write down Prince John as a villain. This is outright perjury to call a prince's brother a villain.

BORACHIO.
Officer, —

DOGBERRY.
Hey, buddy, calm down: I don’t like the way you look, I swear.

SEXTON.
What else did you hear him say?

SECOND WATCH.
Indeed, he received a thousand ducats from Don John for falsely accusing Lady Hero.

DOGBERRY.
A straightforward burglary just like any other that’s ever happened.

VERGES.
Yeah, by the mass, it truly is.

SEXTON.
What else, buddy?

FIRST WATCH.
And that Count Claudio really intended, based on what he said, to shame Hero in front of everyone and not marry her.

DOGBERRY.
O villain! you will be sentenced to eternal punishment for this.

Sexton.
What else?

SECOND WATCH.
This is all.

SEXTON.
And this is more, gentlemen, than you can deny. Prince John has secretly slipped away this morning: Hero was accused like this, rejected like this, and because of this grief, she suddenly died. Master Constable, have these men arrested and taken to Leonato's: I will go ahead and show him their interrogation.

[Leave.]

DOGBERRY.
Come, let them have opinions.

VERGES.
Let them be in the hands—

Conrade.
Get lost, fool!

DOGBERRY.
Goodness! Where's the sexton? Have him write down the Prince's officer as a fool. Come on, bind them. You mischievous rascal!

CONRADE.
Get lost! You're an idiot; you're an idiot.

DOGBERRY.
Do you not suspect my role? Do you not realize my age? I wish he were here to label me a fool! But, masters, remember that I am a fool; even if it isn’t written down, don’t forget that I’m a fool. No, you scoundrel, you’re full of righteousness, as will be proven by good witnesses. I’m a clever guy; and what’s more, an officer; and even more, a homeowner; and, on top of that, I’m as good-looking as anyone in Messina; and I know the law, mind you; and I’m well-off enough; and I’ve had my share of losses; and I have two nice suits, and everything about me is decent. Take him away. Oh, how I wish I had been labeled a fool!

[Exit.]

Enter Leonato and Antonio.

ANTONIO.
If you keep this up, you'll end up hurting yourself
And it's not smart to let grief
Destroy you like this.

LEONATO.
Please, stop your advice,
It sounds to me as useless
As water in a sieve: don’t give me counsel;
And don’t let any comforter please my ears
Except one whose wrongs match mine:
Bring me a father who loved his child so much,
Whose joy in her is overwhelmed just like mine,
And tell him to speak of patience;
Make his suffering measure the length and breadth of mine,
And let it match every strain for strain,
As this for that and such a grief for such,
In every detail, branch, shape, and form:
If such a person can smile and stroke his beard;
Tell sorrow to go away, cough when he should groan,
Patch up grief with proverbs; make misfortune drunk
With distractions; bring him to me,
And I will learn patience from him.
But there is no such man; because, brother, people
Can give advice and speak comfort to grief
That they don’t actually feel; but when they experience it,
Their advice turns to passion, which before
Would offer effective treatments for rage,
Restraining strong madness with a silken thread,
Soothing pain with empty words.
No, no; it’s everyone’s job to preach patience
To those who suffer under the weight of sorrow,
But no one’s virtue or capability
To be so moral when they have to endure
The same themselves. So don’t give me advice:
My griefs cry louder than words.

ANTONIO.
There’s no difference between men and children.

LEONATO.
Please, just be quiet! I'm only human;
Because there's never been a philosopher
Who could tolerate a toothache without complaining,
No matter how they’ve written about the divine
And tried to take on fate and suffering.

ANTONIO.
But don't take all the blame on yourself;
Make those who wrong you feel the consequences too.

LEONATO.
You're making sense: yes, I will do that.
My heart tells me Hero is being slandered;
And Claudio will find out; so will the Prince,
And everyone else who dishonors her.

ANTONIO.
Here come the Prince and Claudio in a hurry.

Enter Don Pedro and Claudio.

Hi there, hi there.

CLAUDIO.
Hello to you both.

LEONATO.
Listen up, my lords,—

DON PEDRO.
We need to hurry, Leonato.

LEONATO.
Some urgency, my lord! Well, take care, my lord:
Are you in such a rush now?—well, it’s all the same.

DON PEDRO.
No, don’t argue with us, good old man.

ANTONIO.
If he could sort himself out with fighting,
Some of us would keep our heads down.

CLAUDIO.
Who's wronging him?

LEONATO.
Seriously, you're wronging me; you fake.
No, don’t even reach for your sword;
I’m not afraid of you.

CLAUDIO.
Honestly, curse my hand,
If it made you feel afraid about your age.
Really, my hand didn't mean anything to my sword.

LEONATO.
Come on, man! Stop making fun of me:
I don't speak like an old fool,
Bragging about what I've done when I was younger or what I would do,
If I weren't old. Listen, Claudio, you have wronged my innocent daughter and me
So badly that I have to set aside my respect,
And, with my gray hair and the bruises of many days,
I challenge you to a duel.
I say you've lied about my innocent daughter:
Your slander has pierced her heart,
And she lies buried with her ancestors;
Oh! in a tomb where no scandal has ever rested,
Except for this one, created by your wickedness!

CLAUDIO.
My wrongdoing?

Yours, Claudio; yours, I say.

DON PEDRO.
You're not speaking correctly, old man.

LEONATO.
My lord, my lord,
I’ll show it on his body, if he dares,
Despite his fancy fencing and his skilled practice,
His youthful spring and vibrant health.

CLAUDIO.
Go away! I don’t want to deal with you.

LEONATO.
Can you treat me this way? You’ve killed my child;
If you kill me, boy, you’ll be killing a man.

ANTONIO.
He might kill two of us, real humans:
But that’s beside the point; let him take one down first:
Win me and wear me; then let him respond to me.
Come on, follow me, kid; come on, little man, come, follow me.
Hey kid, I’ll whip you off your fencing game;
Honestly, as a gentleman, I will.

Leonato.
Bro, —

ANTONIO.
Calm down. God knows I loved my niece;
And she’s dead, falsely accused to death by villains,
Who are just as brave as I am when it comes to facing a man
As I am to grab a snake by its tongue.
Kids, fools, show-offs, wimps!

LEONATO.
Brother Anthony,—

ANTONIO.
Calm down. Seriously! I know them well,
And I know what they're worth, down to the last detail,
Shady, flashy, trendy kids,
Who lie, cheat, mock, twist the truth, and spread rumors,
Put on ridiculous acts, display ugly behavior,
And throw out a few risky threats,
About how they could harm their enemies, if they had the guts;
And that's it!

LEONATO.
But, bro Anthony,—

ANTONIO.
Come on, it doesn’t matter:
Don’t interfere, let me handle this.

DON PEDRO.
Gentlemen, we won’t take up too much of your time.
I’m really sorry about your daughter’s death;
But, honestly, she was only accused of things
That were true and well-supported.

LEONATO.
My lord, my lord—

DON PEDRO.
I'm not listening to you.

LEONATO.
No? Come on, brother, let’s go. I need to be heard.—

ANTONIO.
And some of us will pay for it.

[Exit Leonato and Antonio.]

Enter Benedick.

DON PEDRO.
Look, look; here comes the guy we were looking for.

CLAUDIO.
So, what’s the news?

BENEDICK.
Good day, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
Welcome, sir: you’ve almost arrived right before a fight.

CLAUDIO.
We almost had our noses broken by two old men without teeth.

DON PEDRO.
Leonato and his brother. What do you think? If we had fought, I doubt we would have been too young for them.

BENEDICK.
In a fake argument, there's no real bravery. I came to find both of you.

CLAUDIO.
We've been looking for you everywhere because we're really down and want to shake it off. Will you use your cleverness?

BENEDICK.
It's in my sheath; should I pull it out?

DON PEDRO.
Do you carry your wit with you?

CLAUDIO.
No one has ever done that, though many have lost their minds over it. I’ll ask you to perform, like we do with the musicians; perform, to entertain us.

DON PEDRO.
As I'm an honest man, he looks pale. Are you sick or angry?

CLAUDIO.
Come on, stay strong! Sure, stress might have its downsides, but you've got what it takes to handle it.

BENEDICK.
Sir, I will match your wit, and you can take aim at me. I ask you to pick another topic.

CLAUDIO.
No then, give him another staff: this last one was broken in half.

DON PEDRO.
Wow, he's really changing more and more: I think he's actually angry.

CLAUDIO.
If he is, he knows how to adjust his belt.

BENEDICK.
Can I whisper something to you?

CLAUDIO.
God help me avoid a challenge!

BENEDICK.
[Aside to Claudio.] You’re a jerk, I’m serious: I’ll show you how you can face me, with what you’re willing to face me, and when you choose to face me. Do what’s right, or I’ll call you out for being a coward. You’ve killed a sweet lady, and her death will weigh heavily on you. Let me hear from you.

CLAUDIO.
Alright, I'll meet you so I can feel good.

DON PEDRO.
What, a party, a party?

CLAUDIO.
Honestly, I appreciate it; he’s invited me to a calf’s head and a capon, and if I don’t carve them perfectly, then my knife is useless. Should I expect to find a woodcock too?

BENEDICK.
Sir, you have a smooth wit; it flows nicely.

DON PEDRO.
Let me tell you how Beatrice praised your wit the other day. I mentioned that you had a fine wit. “True,” she said, “a fine little one.” “No,” I replied, “a great wit.” “Right,” she said, “a great gross one.” “No,” I insisted, “a good wit.” “Exactly,” she agreed, “it hurts nobody.” “No,” I said, “the gentleman is wise.” “Of course,” she confirmed, “a wise gentleman.” “No,” I replied, “he speaks well.” “I believe that,” she said, “because he swore something to me on Monday night, which he denied on Tuesday morning: there’s a double tongue; there are two tongues.” So she spent an hour reshaping your specific qualities; but in the end, she sighed and concluded that you were the most handsome man in Italy.

CLAUDIO.
For which she cried a lot and said she didn’t care.

DON PEDRO.
Yeah, she did; but still, if she didn't hate him so much, she would love him a lot. The old man’s daughter told us everything.

CLAUDIO.
Everything, everything; and besides, God saw him when he was hiding in the garden.

DON PEDRO.
But when are we going to crown the rational Benedick with the horns of the wild bull?

CLAUDIO.
Yeah, and the text underneath says, ‘Here lives Benedick the married man!’

BENEDICK.
Goodbye, man: you know how I feel. I'm going to leave you to your gossipy ways; you crack jokes like show-offs wave their swords, which, thank God, don't injure anyone. My lord, I appreciate all your kindness: I must end our time together. Your brother the bastard has run away from Messina: you all have, together, caused the death of a sweet and innocent lady. As for my Lord Lack-beard over there, he and I will meet again; until then, peace to him.

[Log out.]

DON PEDRO.
He's serious.

CLAUDIO.
In all seriousness; and, I guarantee you, for the love of Beatrice.

Has he challenged you?

CLAUDIO.
Most sincerely.

DON PEDRO.
What a fascinating sight a man is when he dresses in his doublet and hose and forgets his intelligence!

CLAUDIO.
He's basically a giant to an ape; but then again, an ape is like a doctor to someone like that.

DON PEDRO.
But wait; let me be: come on, my heart, and feel sad! Didn’t he say my brother ran away?

Enter Dogberry, Verges, and the Watch, with Conrade and Borachio.

DOGBERRY.
Come here, sir: if justice can't control you, she'll never consider more reasons in her balance. No, if you're a cursing hypocrite even once, you need to be watched closely.

DON PEDRO.
Hey! Two of my brother’s men are tied up! Borachio, one of them!

CLAUDIO.
Listen to what they did wrong, my lord.

DON PEDRO.
Officers, what crime have these men committed?

DOGBERRY.
Well, sir, they've spread false rumors; on top of that, they've spoken lies; secondly, they’re slanderers; sixth and finally, they've slandered a lady; thirdly, they've confirmed false things; and to sum up, they are liars.

DON PEDRO.
First, I want to know what they have done; second, I want to know what their offense is; third, I want to know why they are being held; and finally, what you are accusing them of?

CLAUDIO.
That's a solid argument, and he's sticking to his point; honestly, it really makes sense.

DON PEDRO.
Who have you upset, guys, that you're so stuck on your response? This smart constable is way too clever to get. What's your issue?

BORACHIO.
Sweet Prince, let me not go any further for my answer: do you hear me, and let this Count kill me. I have deceived even your very eyes: what your wisdom couldn’t figure out, these foolish people have revealed; who, in the night, overheard me confessing to this man how Don John, your brother, encouraged me to slander Lady Hero; how you were brought into the orchard and saw me flirting with Margaret in Hero’s clothes; how you shamed her when you should have married her. My wrongdoing is on record; I would rather seal it with my death than repeat it to my shame. The lady is dead because of my and my master’s false accusation, and, to be brief, I want nothing but the consequences of my villainy.

DON PEDRO.
Doesn't this speech run through your veins like iron?

CLAUDIO.
I drank poison while he was saying it.

DON PEDRO.
But did my brother put you up to this?

BORACHIO.
Yeah; and paid me well for doing it.

DON PEDRO.
He is made up of deceit: And he has escaped because of this wickedness.

CLAUDIO.
Sweet Hero! Your image now appears
In the unique form that I loved at first.

DOGBERRY.
Come on, let's take the plaintiffs away: by now our sexton has set Signior Leonato straight on the matter. And gentlemen, don't forget to make sure, when the time and place are right, that I am an idiot.

VERGES.
Look, here comes Master Signior Leonato, along with the sexton.

Re-enter Leonato, Antonio, and the Constable.

LEONATO.
Which one is the villain? Let me see his eyes,
So that I can avoid another man like him.
Which of these is he?

BORACHIO.
If you want to know who did you wrong, look at me.

LEONATO.
Are you the one whose words have killed
My innocent child?

Yeah, it's just me.

LEONATO.
No, that's not true, you liar; you're lying to yourself:
Here are two honorable men;
One has run away, who was involved.
I thank you, princes, for my daughter’s death:
Remember it along with your great deeds.
It was a noble act, if you think about it.

CLAUDIO.
I don't know how to ask for your patience;
But I have to speak. Choose your revenge yourself;
Make me face whatever punishment you can come up with
For my mistake: I only sinned
By misunderstanding.

DON PEDRO.
Honestly, me neither:
But still, to please this kind old man,
I would take on any heavy burden
That he asks of me.

LEONATO.
I can’t ask you to tell my daughter to stay alive;
That’s impossible. But I ask you both,
Share with the people in Messina how innocent she was when she died; and if your love
Can do anything in producing something meaningful,
Write her an epitaph for her tomb,
And sing it to her remains: sing it tonight.
Tomorrow morning, come to my house,
And since you couldn’t be my son-in-law,
Be my nephew instead. My brother has a daughter,
Almost a mirror image of my deceased child,
And she alone will inherit from both of us:
Give her the rights you should have given your cousin,
And that will end my desire for revenge.

CLAUDIO.
Oh noble sir,
Your kindness brings tears to my eyes!
I gladly accept your offer; and from now on, I entrust
Poor Claudio to you.

LEONATO.
Then I’ll expect you tomorrow;
Tonight, I’ll take my leave. This troublemaker
Will be brought face to face with Margaret,
Who, I believe, was involved in all this mess,
Hired by your brother.

BORACHIO.
No, I swear she wasn't;
And she didn't realize what she was doing when she talked to me;
But she's always been fair and good
In everything I know about her.

DOGBERRY.
Also, sir—something that’s not just black and white—this plaintiff here, the offender, called me an ass: I ask you to remember that in his punishment. Also, the watch overheard them talking about someone named Deformed: they say he wears a key in his ear and a lock hanging from it, and he borrows money in God’s name, which he has been doing for so long without ever paying it back that now people are becoming heartless and won’t lend anything out of goodwill anymore. Please, question him about that.

LEONATO.
Thank you for your attention and hard work.

DOGBERRY.
You speak like a very grateful and respectful young person, and I thank God for you.

LEONATO.
Here’s something for your trouble.

DOGBERRY.
God bless the foundation!

LEONATO.
Go ahead, I release you from your prisoner, and I appreciate it.

DOGBERRY.
I’m leaving a real scoundrel with you; I urge you to deal with him yourself, for the sake of others. God bless you! I hope you’re doing well; may God bring you back to health! I humbly let you go, and if a fun gathering can be wished for, may God prevent it! Come on, neighbor.

[Dogberry and Verges exit.]

LEONATO.
See you tomorrow morning, gentlemen.

ANTONIO.
Goodbye, my lords: we expect to see you tomorrow.

We won’t let you down.

CLAUDIO.
Tonight I'm mourning with Hero.

[Exit Don Pedro and Claudio.]

LEONATO.
[To the Watch.] Bring these guys over. We need to talk to Margaret,
About how she got to know this shady guy.

[Exit.]

Enter Benedick and Margaret, encountering each other.

BENEDICK.
Please, dear Mistress Margaret, earn my favor by helping me talk to Beatrice.

MARGARET.
Will you write me a sonnet praising my beauty?