This is a modern-English version of Camille (La Dame aux Camilias), originally written by Dumas, Alexandre.
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Camille
(la Dame Aux Camilias)
By Alexandre Dumas, fils
CONTENTS
Chapter I
In my opinion, it is impossible to create characters until one has spent a long time in studying men, as it is impossible to speak a language until it has been seriously acquired. Not being old enough to invent, I content myself with narrating, and I beg the reader to assure himself of the truth of a story in which all the characters, with the exception of the heroine, are still alive. Eye-witnesses of the greater part of the facts which I have collected are to be found in Paris, and I might call upon them to confirm me if my testimony is not enough. And, thanks to a particular circumstance, I alone can write these things, for I alone am able to give the final details, without which it would have been impossible to make the story at once interesting and complete.
In my view, you can’t create characters until you’ve spent a lot of time studying people, just like you can’t speak a language until you really learn it. Not being experienced enough to invent, I’m satisfied with telling a story, and I ask the reader to verify the truth of a narrative where all the characters, except the heroine, are still alive. Eye-witnesses of most of the events I’ve gathered are in Paris, and I could call on them to back me up if my account isn’t sufficient. Plus, due to a specific circumstance, only I can tell this story, as I alone can provide the final details that make the narrative both engaging and complete.
This is how these details came to my knowledge. On the 12th of March, 1847, I saw in the Rue Lafitte a great yellow placard announcing a sale of furniture and curiosities. The sale was to take place on account of the death of the owner. The owner’s name was not mentioned, but the sale was to be held at 9, Rue d’Antin, on the 16th, from 12 to 5. The placard further announced that the rooms and furniture could be seen on the 13th and 14th.
This is how I learned about these details. On March 12, 1847, I saw a big yellow poster on Rue Lafitte advertising a sale of furniture and curiosities. The sale was happening due to the owner's death. The owner's name wasn't mentioned, but the sale was set for March 16 at 9, Rue d’Antin, from noon to 5 PM. The poster also said that the rooms and furniture could be viewed on the 13th and 14th.
I have always been very fond of curiosities, and I made up my mind not to miss the occasion, if not of buying some, at all events of seeing them. Next day I called at 9, Rue d’Antin.
I’ve always been really into curiosities, and I decided not to miss the chance, even if I couldn’t buy any, at least to see them. The next day, I went to 9, Rue d’Antin.
It was early in the day, and yet there were already a number of visitors, both men and women, and the women, though they were dressed in cashmere and velvet, and had their carriages waiting for them at the door, gazed with astonishment and admiration at the luxury which they saw before them.
It was early in the day, and already there were several visitors, both men and women. The women, dressed in cashmere and velvet and with their carriages waiting at the door, looked on in astonishment and admiration at the luxury in front of them.
I was not long in discovering the reason of this astonishment and admiration, for, having begun to examine things a little carefully, I discovered without difficulty that I was in the house of a kept woman. Now, if there is one thing which women in society would like to see (and there were society women there), it is the home of those women whose carriages splash their own carriages day by day, who, like them, side by side with them, have their boxes at the Opera and at the Italiens, and who parade in Paris the opulent insolence of their beauty, their diamonds, and their scandal.
I didn’t take long to figure out why everyone was so amazed and intrigued. After looking around a bit more carefully, it became clear that I was in the home of a woman who was being supported. Now, if there’s one thing that women in high society want to see (and there were some there), it’s the homes of those women whose carriages splash against their own every day, who, just like them, have seats at the Opera and at the Italiens, and who flaunt the extravagant confidence of their beauty, their diamonds, and their drama throughout Paris.
This one was dead, so the most virtuous of women could enter even her bedroom. Death had purified the air of this abode of splendid foulness, and if more excuse were needed, they had the excuse that they had merely come to a sale, they knew not whose. They had read the placards, they wished to see what the placards had announced, and to make their choice beforehand. What could be more natural? Yet, all the same, in the midst of all these beautiful things, they could not help looking about for some traces of this courtesan’s life, of which they had heard, no doubt, strange enough stories.
This place was empty now, so even the most honorable women could step into her bedroom. Death had cleaned the air of this lavish yet corrupt home, and if they needed an excuse, they could just say they had come to a sale—though they didn’t know whose it was. They had seen the signs, they wanted to check out what the signs promised, and to pick out what they liked in advance. What could be more normal? Still, in the midst of all these beautiful things, they couldn't help but look for signs of this courtesan's life, of which they had surely heard some pretty strange stories.
Unfortunately the mystery had vanished with the goddess, and, for all their endeavours, they discovered only what was on sale since the owner’s decease, and nothing of what had been on sale during her lifetime. For the rest, there were plenty of things worth buying. The furniture was superb; there were rosewood and buhl cabinets and tables, Sevres and Chinese vases, Saxe statuettes, satin, velvet, lace; there was nothing lacking.
Unfortunately, the mystery disappeared with the goddess, and despite all their efforts, they found only what was on sale after the owner's passing, and nothing that had been available during her life. There were, however, plenty of items worth purchasing. The furniture was stunning; there were rosewood and buhl cabinets and tables, Sevres and Chinese vases, Saxe figurines, satin, velvet, lace; nothing was missing.
I sauntered through the rooms, following the inquisitive ladies of distinction. They entered a room with Persian hangings, and I was just going to enter in turn, when they came out again almost immediately, smiling, and as if ashamed of their own curiosity. I was all the more eager to see the room. It was the dressing-room, laid out with all the articles of toilet, in which the dead woman’s extravagance seemed to be seen at its height.
I strolled through the rooms, trailing behind the curious ladies of high society. They stepped into a room with Persian drapes, and just as I was about to follow, they quickly came out again, smiling and almost looking embarrassed by their own curiosity. This only made me more eager to see the room. It was the dressing room, filled with all the beauty products, and the dead woman's indulgence seemed to be on full display.
On a large table against the wall, a table three feet in width and six in length, glittered all the treasures of Aucoc and Odiot. It was a magnificent collection, and there was not one of those thousand little things so necessary to the toilet of a woman of the kind which was not in gold or silver. Such a collection could only have been got together little by little, and the same lover had certainly not begun and ended it.
On a large table against the wall, measuring three feet wide and six feet long, shone all the treasures of Aucoc and Odiot. It was an amazing collection, and there wasn’t a single one of those thousand tiny items essential for a woman’s grooming that wasn’t made of gold or silver. Such a collection could only have been gathered gradually, and the same admirer definitely didn’t start and finish it all.
Not being shocked at the sight of a kept woman’s dressing-room, I amused myself with examining every detail, and I discovered that these magnificently chiselled objects bore different initials and different coronets. I looked at one after another, each recalling a separate shame, and I said that God had been merciful to the poor child, in not having left her to pay the ordinary penalty, but rather to die in the midst of her beauty and luxury, before the coming of old age, the courtesan’s first death.
Not being surprised by the sight of a kept woman's dressing room, I entertained myself by examining every detail, and I found that these beautifully crafted items had different initials and different coronets. I looked at each one, each bringing back a unique feeling of shame, and I thought that God had been kind to the poor girl, not leaving her to face the usual consequences, but allowing her to die amid her beauty and luxury, before the arrival of old age, the courtesan’s first death.
Is there anything sadder in the world than the old age of vice, especially in woman? She preserves no dignity, she inspires no interest. The everlasting repentance, not of the evil ways followed, but of the plans that have miscarried, the money that has been spent in vain, is as saddening a thing as one can well meet with. I knew an aged woman who had once been “gay,” whose only link with the past was a daughter almost as beautiful as she herself had been. This poor creature to whom her mother had never said, “You are my child,” except to bid her nourish her old age as she herself had nourished her youth, was called Louise, and, being obedient to her mother, she abandoned herself without volition, without passion, without pleasure, as she would have worked at any other profession that might have been taught her.
Is there anything sadder in the world than the old age of vice, especially in women? She has no dignity and doesn’t inspire any interest. The constant regret, not for the wrong choices made, but for the plans that failed and the money wasted, is one of the most heartbreaking experiences. I knew an older woman who had once been “wild,” and her only connection to her past was a daughter who was almost as beautiful as she had once been. This unfortunate girl, to whom her mother had never said, “You are my child,” except to instruct her to support her in her old age just as she had once supported her youth, was named Louise. Following her mother’s commands, she gave herself up to life without any will of her own, without passion, and without joy, much like she would have approached any other job that could have been taught to her.
The constant sight of dissipation, precocious dissipation, in addition to her constant sickly state, had extinguished in her mind all the knowledge of good and evil that God had perhaps given her, but that no one had ever thought of developing. I shall always remember her, as she passed along the boulevards almost every day at the same hour, accompanied by her mother as assiduously as a real mother might have accompanied her daughter. I was very young then, and ready to accept for myself the easy morality of the age. I remember, however, the contempt and disgust which awoke in me at the sight of this scandalous chaperoning. Her face, too, was inexpressibly virginal in its expression of innocence and of melancholy suffering. She was like a figure of Resignation.
The constant sight of indulgence, early indulgence, along with her ongoing frail health, had wiped out in her mind all the understanding of right and wrong that God might have given her, but no one ever thought to nurture. I'll always remember her as she walked along the boulevards almost every day at the same time, accompanied by her mother as devotedly as a real mother would be with her daughter. I was very young then, ready to embrace the easy morals of the time. However, I still recall the contempt and disgust that stirred within me at the sight of this outrageous chaperoning. Her face, too, was strikingly innocent, filled with expressions of purity and deep sadness. She was like a symbol of Resignation.
One day the girl’s face was transfigured. In the midst of all the debauches mapped out by her mother, it seemed to her as if God had left over for her one happiness. And why indeed should God, who had made her without strength, have left her without consolation, under the sorrowful burden of her life? One day, then, she realized that she was to have a child, and all that remained to her of chastity leaped for joy. The soul has strange refuges. Louise ran to tell the good news to her mother. It is a shameful thing to speak of, but we are not telling tales of pleasant sins; we are telling of true facts, which it would be better, no doubt, to pass over in silence, if we did not believe that it is needful from time to time to reveal the martyrdom of those who are condemned without hearing, scorned without judging; shameful it is, but this mother answered the daughter that they had already scarce enough for two, and would certainly not have enough for three; that such children are useless, and a lying-in is so much time lost.
One day, the girl’s face changed completely. Amid all the wild plans her mother had for her, it felt like God had given her one happiness. And why would God, who created her weak, leave her without comfort under the heavy burdens of her life? One day, she realized she was going to have a child, and all that was left of her innocence leaped with joy. The soul has strange places to find refuge. Louise rushed to share the good news with her mother. It’s embarrassing to talk about, but we’re not recounting pleasant sins; we’re sharing real events that would be better left unspoken—if we didn’t believe it’s necessary to occasionally expose the suffering of those who are judged without understanding, despised without scrutiny. It’s shameful, but her mother responded that they barely had enough for two and definitely wouldn’t have enough for three; that such children are worthless and giving birth is just a waste of time.
Next day a midwife, of whom all we will say is that she was a friend of the mother, visited Louise, who remained in bed for a few days, and then got up paler and feebler than before.
Next day a midwife, who was a friend of the mother, visited Louise, who stayed in bed for a few days and then got up looking paler and weaker than before.
Three months afterward a man took pity on her and tried to heal her, morally and physically; but the last shock had been too violent, and Louise died of it. The mother still lives; how? God knows.
Three months later, a man felt sorry for her and tried to help her heal, both emotionally and physically; but the final trauma had been too severe, and Louise passed away from it. The mother is still alive; how? Only God knows.
This story returned to my mind while I looked at the silver toilet things, and a certain space of time must have elapsed during these reflections, for no one was left in the room but myself and an attendant, who, standing near the door, was carefully watching me to see that I did not pocket anything.
This story came to mind while I looked at the silver toilet items, and some time must have passed during these thoughts, because the only ones left in the room were me and an attendant, who was standing by the door, keeping an eye on me to make sure I didn't take anything.
I went up to the man, to whom I was causing so much anxiety. “Sir,” I said, “can you tell me the name of the person who formerly lived here?”
I approached the man who seemed so anxious because of me. “Excuse me,” I said, “do you know the name of the person who used to live here?”
“Mademoiselle Marguerite Gautier.”
"Miss Marguerite Gautier."
I knew her by name and by sight.
I knew her name and her face.
“What!” I said to the attendant; “Marguerite Gautier is dead?”
“What!” I said to the attendant. “Marguerite Gautier is dead?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Yep, sir.”
“When did she die?”
"When did she pass away?"
“Three weeks ago, I believe.”
“About three weeks ago.”
“And why are the rooms on view?”
“And why are the rooms being shown?”
“The creditors believe that it will send up the prices. People can see beforehand the effect of the things; you see that induces them to buy.”
“The creditors think that it will drive up prices. People can anticipate the impact of things; this makes them more likely to buy.”
“She was in debt, then?”
"Was she in debt, then?"
“To any extent, sir.”
"To any degree, sir."
“But the sale will cover it?”
“But the sale will cover it?”
“And more too.”
"And more."
“Who will get what remains over?”
“Who will get the leftovers?”
“Her family.”
“Her fam.”
“She had a family?”
"She had a family?"
“It seems so.”
"Looks like it."
“Thanks.”
"Thanks!"
The attendant, reassured as to my intentions, touched his hat, and I went out.
The attendant, now confident about my intentions, tipped his hat, and I stepped outside.
“Poor girl!” I said to myself as I returned home; “she must have had a sad death, for, in her world, one has friends only when one is perfectly well.” And in spite of myself I began to feel melancholy over the fate of Marguerite Gautier.
“Poor girl!” I thought as I headed home; “she must have died tragically, because in her world, you only have friends when you’re completely healthy.” And despite my efforts to stay upbeat, I started to feel sad about Marguerite Gautier's fate.
It will seem absurd to many people, but I have an unbounded sympathy for women of this kind, and I do not think it necessary to apologize for such sympathy.
It may seem ridiculous to a lot of people, but I have an endless compassion for women like this, and I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize for that compassion.
One day, as I was going to the Prefecture for a passport, I saw in one of the neighbouring streets a poor girl who was being marched along by two policemen. I do not know what was the matter. All I know is that she was weeping bitterly as she kissed an infant only a few months old, from whom her arrest was to separate her. Since that day I have never dared to despise a woman at first sight.
One day, while I was heading to the Prefecture to get a passport, I saw a poor girl being led away by two police officers down one of the nearby streets. I don’t know what was happening. All I know is that she was crying hard as she kissed a baby only a few months old, from whom her arrest was about to take her away. Since that day, I’ve never felt I could look down on a woman at first glance.
Chapter II
The sale was to take place on the 16th. A day’s interval had been left between the visiting days and the sale, in order to give time for taking down the hangings, curtains, etc. I had just returned from abroad. It was natural that I had not heard of Marguerite’s death among the pieces of news which one’s friends always tell on returning after an absence. Marguerite was a pretty woman; but though the life of such women makes sensation enough, their death makes very little. They are suns which set as they rose, unobserved. Their death, when they die young, is heard of by all their lovers at the same moment, for in Paris almost all the lovers of a well-known woman are friends. A few recollections are exchanged, and everybody’s life goes on as if the incident had never occurred, without so much as a tear.
The sale was set for the 16th. A day's break had been scheduled between the visiting days and the sale to allow time for taking down the decorations, curtains, and so on. I had just returned from abroad. Naturally, I hadn't heard about Marguerite's death among the bits of news that friends always share when you come back after being away. Marguerite was an attractive woman; but even though the lives of such women create quite a stir, their deaths usually don’t. They are like suns that set as quietly as they rose, unnoticed. When they die young, news of their passing reaches all their lovers at once, because in Paris, almost all the lovers of a well-known woman tend to be friends. A few memories are shared, and everyone’s life continues on as if nothing happened, without so much as a tear.
Nowadays, at twenty-five, tears have become so rare a thing that they are not to be squandered indiscriminately. It is the most that can be expected if the parents who pay for being wept over are wept over in return for the price they pay.
Nowadays, at twenty-five, tears are so rare that they shouldn't be wasted casually. It's only fair that the parents who pay for the tears shed over them get a response for the price they pay.
As for me, though my initials did not occur on any of Marguerite’s belongings, that instinctive indulgence, that natural pity that I have already confessed, set me thinking over her death, more perhaps than it was worth thinking over. I remembered having often met Marguerite in the Bois, where she went regularly every day in a little blue coupé drawn by two magnificent bays, and I had noticed in her a distinction quite apart from other women of her kind, a distinction which was enhanced by a really exceptional beauty.
As for me, although my initials weren't on any of Marguerite’s things, that instinctive compassion and natural sympathy that I’ve already admitted made me reflect on her death, maybe more than was necessary. I remembered seeing Marguerite often in the Bois, where she went every day in a little blue coupe pulled by two stunning bays, and I noticed in her a uniqueness that set her apart from other women like her, a uniqueness that was elevated by her truly exceptional beauty.
These unfortunate creatures whenever they go out are always accompanied by somebody or other. As no man cares to make himself conspicuous by being seen in their company, and as they are afraid of solitude, they take with them either those who are not well enough off to have a carriage, or one or another of those elegant, ancient ladies, whose elegance is a little inexplicable, and to whom one can always go for information in regard to the women whom they accompany.
These unfortunate souls are always with someone whenever they go out. Since no one wants to stand out by being seen with them, and since they're afraid of being alone, they bring along either those who can't afford a carriage or one of those classy, older ladies whose elegance is a bit mysterious, and who can always provide information about the women they accompany.
In Marguerite’s case it was quite different. She was always alone when she drove in the Champs-Elysées, lying back in her carriage as much as possible, dressed in furs in winter, and in summer wearing very simple dresses; and though she often passed people whom she knew, her smile, when she chose to smile, was seen only by them, and a duchess might have smiled in just such a manner. She did not drive to and fro like the others, from the Rond-Point to the end of the Champs-Elysées. She drove straight to the Bois. There she left her carriage, walked for an hour, returned to her carriage, and drove rapidly home.
In Marguerite’s case, it was quite different. She always rode alone on the Champs-Elysées, reclining in her carriage as much as possible, wearing furs in winter and very simple dresses in summer; and even though she often passed people she knew, her smile, when she decided to smile, was seen only by them, just like a duchess might smile. She didn’t drive back and forth like the others, from the Rond-Point to the end of the Champs-Elysées. She drove straight to the Bois. There, she left her carriage, walked for an hour, returned to her carriage, and drove quickly home.
All these circumstances which I had so often witnessed came back to my memory, and I regretted her death as one might regret the destruction of a beautiful work of art.
All those situations I had seen so many times flashed back in my mind, and I felt her death the way someone might mourn the loss of a beautiful piece of art.
It was impossible to see more charm in beauty than in that of Marguerite. Excessively tall and thin, she had in the fullest degree the art of repairing this oversight of Nature by the mere arrangement of the things she wore. Her cashmere reached to the ground, and showed on each side the large flounces of a silk dress, and the heavy muff which she held pressed against her bosom was surrounded by such cunningly arranged folds that the eye, however exacting, could find no fault with the contour of the lines. Her head, a marvel, was the object of the most coquettish care. It was small, and her mother, as Musset would say, seemed to have made it so in order to make it with care.
It was impossible to see more charm in beauty than in that of Marguerite. Exceptionally tall and slender, she had perfected the art of compensating for this oversight of Nature just by the way she arranged her clothing. Her cashmere flowed down to the ground, revealing on either side the large flounces of a silk dress, and the heavy muff she held close to her chest was surrounded by such skillfully arranged folds that even the most discerning eye couldn't find any fault with the contours. Her head, a marvel, received the most meticulous attention. It was small, and her mother, as Musset would say, seemingly created it with great care.
Set, in an oval of indescribable grace, two black eyes, surmounted by eyebrows of so pure a curve that it seemed as if painted; veil these eyes with lovely lashes, which, when drooped, cast their shadow on the rosy hue of the cheeks; trace a delicate, straight nose, the nostrils a little open, in an ardent aspiration toward the life of the senses; design a regular mouth, with lips parted graciously over teeth as white as milk; colour the skin with the down of a peach that no hand has touched, and you will have the general aspect of that charming countenance. The hair, black as jet, waving naturally or not, was parted on the forehead in two large folds and draped back over the head, leaving in sight just the tip of the ears, in which there glittered two diamonds, worth four to five thousand francs each. How it was that her ardent life had left on Marguerite’s face the virginal, almost childlike expression, which characterized it, is a problem which we can but state, without attempting to solve it.
Set in an oval of indescribable grace, two black eyes, topped with perfectly arched eyebrows that seemed almost painted; these eyes are framed by lovely lashes that, when closed, cast a shadow on the rosy hue of the cheeks; a delicate, straight nose with slightly flared nostrils hints at a passionate longing for sensory experiences; a regular mouth with lips gracefully parted over teeth as white as milk; the skin, soft as a peach untouched by human hands, completes the general appearance of that charming face. The hair, as black as jet, naturally waved or not, was parted on the forehead into two large sections and draped back, revealing just the tips of her ears, which sparkled with two diamonds worth four to five thousand francs each. How Marguerite's passionate life left her face with a virginal, almost childlike expression remains a mystery we can only acknowledge without attempting to explain.
Marguerite had a marvellous portrait of herself, by Vidal, the only man whose pencil could do her justice. I had this portrait by me for a few days after her death, and the likeness was so astonishing that it has helped to refresh my memory in regard to some points which I might not otherwise have remembered.
Marguerite had a stunning portrait of herself done by Vidal, the only person whose artistry could truly capture her essence. I kept this portrait with me for a few days after her death, and the resemblance was so remarkable that it helped jog my memory about some details I might not have remembered otherwise.
Some among the details of this chapter did not reach me until later, but I write them here so as not to be obliged to return to them when the story itself has begun.
Some of the details in this chapter didn’t come to me until later, but I’m writing them here so I don’t have to go back to them once the story itself has started.
Marguerite was always present at every first night, and passed every evening either at the theatre or the ball. Whenever there was a new piece she was certain to be seen, and she invariably had three things with her on the ledge of her ground-floor box: her opera-glass, a bag of sweets, and a bouquet of camellias.
Marguerite was always there for every opening night and spent her evenings either at the theater or the ball. Whenever there was a new play, you could definitely spot her, and she always had three things with her on the ledge of her ground-floor box: her opera glasses, a bag of candies, and a bouquet of camellias.
For twenty-five days of the month the camellias were white, and for five they were red; no one ever knew the reason of this change of colour, which I mention though I can not explain it; it was noticed both by her friends and by the habitués of the theatres to which she most often went. She was never seen with any flowers but camellias. At the florist’s, Madame Barjon’s, she had come to be called “the Lady of the Camellias,” and the name stuck to her.
For twenty-five days of the month, the camellias were white, and for five days, they were red; no one ever understood why this color change happened, which I mention even though I can’t explain it. Both her friends and the regulars at the theaters she frequently visited noticed it. She was never seen with any flowers other than camellias. At Madame Barjon’s florist shop, she became known as “the Lady of the Camellias,” and the nickname stuck with her.
Like all those who move in a certain set in Paris, I knew that Marguerite had lived with some of the most fashionable young men in society, that she spoke of it openly, and that they themselves boasted of it; so that all seemed equally pleased with one another. Nevertheless, for about three years, after a visit to Bagnères, she was said to be living with an old duke, a foreigner, enormously rich, who had tried to remove her as far as possible from her former life, and, as it seemed, entirely to her own satisfaction.
Like everyone in a certain social circle in Paris, I knew that Marguerite had been involved with some of the most stylish young men in society, that she talked about it openly, and that they bragged about it too; everyone seemed happy with one another. However, for about three years, after a trip to Bagnères, people said she was living with an old duke, a wealthy foreigner, who had tried to distance her as much as possible from her previous life, and apparently, it was completely fine with her.
This is what I was told on the subject. In the spring of 1847 Marguerite was so ill that the doctors ordered her to take the waters, and she went to Bagnères. Among the invalids was the daughter of this duke; she was not only suffering from the same complaint, but she was so like Marguerite in appearance that they might have been taken for sisters; the young duchess was in the last stage of consumption, and a few days after Marguerite’s arrival she died. One morning, the duke, who had remained at Bagnères to be near the soil that had buried a part of his heart, caught sight of Marguerite at a turn of the road. He seemed to see the shadow of his child, and going up to her, he took her hands, embraced and wept over her, and without even asking her who she was, begged her to let him love in her the living image of his dead child. Marguerite, alone at Bagnères with her maid, and not being in any fear of compromising herself, granted the duke’s request. Some people who knew her, happening to be at Bagnères, took upon themselves to explain Mademoiselle Gautier’s true position to the duke. It was a blow to the old man, for the resemblance with his daughter was ended in one direction, but it was too late. She had become a necessity to his heart, his only pretext, his only excuse, for living. He made no reproaches, he had indeed no right to do so, but he asked her if she felt herself capable of changing her mode of life, offering her in return for the sacrifice every compensation that she could desire. She consented.
This is what I was told about the situation. In the spring of 1847, Marguerite was so sick that the doctors advised her to take the waters, and she traveled to Bagnères. Among the patients was the daughter of a duke; she not only had the same illness, but she looked so much like Marguerite that they could have been mistaken for sisters. The young duchess was in the final stage of tuberculosis, and just a few days after Marguerite arrived, she passed away. One morning, the duke, who had stayed in Bagnères to be near the grave of part of his heart, spotted Marguerite at a bend in the road. He seemed to see a shadow of his child and approached her, took her hands, embraced her, and wept over her. Without even asking who she was, he begged her to let him love in her the living image of his deceased child. Marguerite, alone in Bagnères with her maid and feeling no fear of compromising herself, agreed to the duke’s request. Some people who knew her happened to be in Bagnères and took it upon themselves to explain Mademoiselle Gautier’s true situation to the duke. It was a shock to the old man because the resemblance to his daughter ended in one direction, but it was too late. She had become essential to his heart, his only reason, his only excuse, for living. He made no accusations, as he had no right to do so, but he asked her if she was willing to change her way of life, offering her in return for the sacrifice everything she could wish for. She agreed.
It must be said that Marguerite was just then very ill. The past seemed to her sensitive nature as if it were one of the main causes of her illness, and a sort of superstition led her to hope that God would restore to her both health and beauty in return for her repentance and conversion. By the end of the summer, the waters, sleep, the natural fatigue of long walks, had indeed more or less restored her health. The duke accompanied her to Paris, where he continued to see her as he had done at Bagnères.
It should be mentioned that Marguerite was very sick at that time. She felt that her past was one of the main reasons for her illness, and a kind of superstition made her believe that God would give her back her health and beauty if she truly repented and changed. By the end of summer, the treatments, rest, and the natural tiredness from long walks had mostly restored her health. The duke went with her to Paris, where he kept seeing her just like he had at Bagnères.
This liaison, whose motive and origin were quite unknown, caused a great sensation, for the duke, already known for his immense fortune, now became known for his prodigality. All this was set down to the debauchery of a rich old man, and everything was believed except the truth. The father’s sentiment for Marguerite had, in truth, so pure a cause that anything but a communion of hearts would have seemed to him a kind of incest, and he had never spoken to her a word which his daughter might not have heard.
This connection, whose purpose and background were completely unclear, created a huge stir because the duke, already famous for his vast wealth, now became known for his extravagant lifestyle. Everyone attributed this to the indulgence of a wealthy old man, and anything was accepted as fact except the truth. The father's feelings for Marguerite were genuinely so pure that anything less than a heartfelt connection would have seemed like an offense, and he never said anything to her that his daughter wouldn’t have been able to overhear.
Far be it from me to make out our heroine to be anything but what she was. As long as she remained at Bagnères, the promise she had made to the duke had not been hard to keep, and she had kept it; but, once back in Paris, it seemed to her, accustomed to a life of dissipation, of balls, of orgies, as if the solitude, only interrupted by the duke’s stated visits, would kill her with boredom, and the hot breath of her old life came back across her head and heart.
It's certainly not my intention to portray our heroine as anything other than who she was. While she was in Bagnères, keeping the promise she made to the duke wasn't difficult, and she managed to do that. However, once she returned to Paris, it felt to her, used to a lifestyle filled with parties, balls, and wild gatherings, that the loneliness—broken only by the duke's occasional visits—would drive her to boredom, and the vibrant energy of her past life came rushing back to her mind and heart.
We must add that Marguerite had returned more beautiful than she had ever been; she was but twenty, and her malady, sleeping but not subdued, continued to give her those feverish desires which are almost always the result of diseases of the chest.
We should note that Marguerite had come back more beautiful than ever; she was only twenty, and her illness, while dormant, still caused her those intense cravings that often come from lung diseases.
It was a great grief to the duke when his friends, always on the lookout for some scandal on the part of the woman with whom, it seemed to them, he was compromising himself, came to tell him, indeed to prove to him, that at times when she was sure of not seeing him she received other visits, and that these visits were often prolonged till the following day. On being questioned, Marguerite admitted everything to the duke, and advised him, without arrière-pensée, to concern himself with her no longer, for she felt incapable of carrying out what she had undertaken, and she did not wish to go on accepting benefits from a man whom she was deceiving. The duke did not return for a week; it was all he could do, and on the eighth day he came to beg Marguerite to let him still visit her, promising that he would take her as she was, so long as he might see her, and swearing that he would never utter a reproach against her, not though he were to die of it.
The duke was deeply saddened when his friends, always eager to find some scandal involving the woman he seemed to be compromising himself with, came to inform him—and even prove to him—that when she was sure he wouldn’t see her, she received other visitors, who sometimes stayed until the next day. When questioned, Marguerite admitted everything to the duke and frankly advised him to stop concerning himself with her, as she felt unable to follow through on what she had committed to and didn’t want to keep accepting favors from a man she was deceiving. The duke didn’t return for a week; that was the best he could do. On the eighth day, he came to plead with Marguerite to allow him to continue visiting her, promising that he would accept her as she was, as long as he could see her, and swearing that he would never hold it against her, even if it meant his own suffering.
This, then, was the state of things three months after Marguerite’s return; that is to say, in November or December, 1842.
This was the situation three months after Marguerite returned; in other words, in November or December 1842.
Chapter III
At one o’clock on the 16th I went to the Rue d’Antin. The voice of the auctioneer could be heard from the outer door. The rooms were crowded with people. There were all the celebrities of the most elegant impropriety, furtively examined by certain great ladies who had again seized the opportunity of the sale in order to be able to see, close at hand, women whom they might never have another occasion of meeting, and whom they envied perhaps in secret for their easy pleasures. The Duchess of F. elbowed Mlle. A., one of the most melancholy examples of our modern courtesan; the Marquis de T. hesitated over a piece of furniture the price of which was being run high by Mme. D., the most elegant and famous adulteress of our time; the Duke of Y., who in Madrid is supposed to be ruining himself in Paris, and in Paris to be ruining himself in Madrid, and who, as a matter of fact, never even reaches the limit of his income, talked with Mme. M., one of our wittiest story-tellers, who from time to time writes what she says and signs what she writes, while at the same time he exchanged confidential glances with Mme. de N., a fair ornament of the Champs-Elysées, almost always dressed in pink or blue, and driving two big black horses which Tony had sold her for 10,000 francs, and for which she had paid, after her fashion; finally, Mlle. R., who makes by her mere talent twice what the women of the world make by their dot and three times as much as the others make by their amours, had come, in spite of the cold, to make some purchases, and was not the least looked at among the crowd.
At one o'clock on the 16th, I headed to Rue d’Antin. The auctioneer's voice could be heard from the front door. The rooms were packed with people. All the celebrities known for their elegant misbehavior were there, stealthily observed by some high-society women who had once again seized the chance of the sale to see up close those they might never encounter again, and whom they might secretly envy for their carefree lifestyles. The Duchess of F. nudged Mlle. A., one of the most sorrowful examples of our modern courtesan; the Marquis de T. hesitated over a piece of furniture whose price was being driven up by Mme. D., the most stylish and notorious adulteress of our time; the Duke of Y., who is rumored to be ruining himself in Paris while in Madrid, and vice versa, and who, in reality, never exceeds his income limit, chatted with Mme. M., one of our sharpest storytellers, who occasionally writes down her words and signs her writings, while also exchanging knowing looks with Mme. de N., a lovely figure from the Champs-Elysées, nearly always in shades of pink or blue, driving two large black horses that Tony had sold her for 10,000 francs, which she had paid for in her own way; finally, Mlle. R., who earns with her talent twice what the socialites earn from their dowries and three times what others gain from their affairs, had come, despite the cold, to make some purchases and was one of the most noticed in the crowd.
We might cite the initials of many more of those who found themselves, not without some mutual surprise, side by side in one room. But we fear to weary the reader. We will only add that everyone was in the highest spirits, and that many of those present had known the dead woman, and seemed quite oblivious of the fact. There was a sound of loud laughter; the auctioneers shouted at the top of their voices; the dealers who had filled the benches in front of the auction table tried in vain to obtain silence, in order to transact their business in peace. Never was there a noisier or a more varied gathering.
We could mention the initials of many more people who found themselves, not without some mutual surprise, in the same room. But we don’t want to bore the reader. We’ll just say that everyone was in high spirits, and many of those there had known the deceased woman and seemed completely unaware of it. There was loud laughter; the auctioneers were shouting at the top of their lungs; the dealers who had crowded the benches in front of the auction table tried unsuccessfully to get some silence so they could conduct their business comfortably. Never was there a louder or more diverse gathering.
I slipped quietly into the midst of this tumult, sad to think of when one remembered that the poor creature whose goods were being sold to pay her debts had died in the next room. Having come rather to examine than to buy, I watched the faces of the auctioneers, noticing how they beamed with delight whenever anything reached a price beyond their expectations. Honest creatures, who had speculated upon this woman’s prostitution, who had gained their hundred per cent out of her, who had plagued with their writs the last moments of her life, and who came now after her death to gather in at once the fruits of their dishonourable calculations and the interest on their shameful credit! How wise were the ancients in having only one God for traders and robbers!
I quietly slipped into the middle of this chaos, saddened by the thought that the poor person whose belongings were being sold to cover her debts had died in the next room. Having come more to observe than to buy, I watched the auctioneers' faces, noticing how they beamed with joy whenever something sold for more than they expected. Honest folks, who had profited from this woman’s misfortune, who had made their cut off her, who had burdened her final moments with their demands, and who now came after her death to collect both the rewards of their disgraceful actions and the interest on their shameful loans! How wise the ancients were to have only one God for traders and thieves!
Dresses, cashmeres, jewels, were sold with incredible rapidity. There was nothing that I cared for, and I still waited. All at once I heard: “A volume, beautifully bound, gilt-edged, entitled Manon Lescaut. There is something written on the first page. Ten francs.”
Dresses, cashmeres, and jewels were selling like crazy. I didn't want any of it, but I stayed put. Suddenly, I heard: “A beautifully bound volume with gold-edged pages, titled Manon Lescaut. There's something written on the first page. Ten francs.”
“Twelve,” said a voice after a longish silence.
“Twelve,” a voice said after a long silence.
“Fifteen,” I said.
“Fifteen,” I said.
Why? I did not know. Doubtless for the something written.
Why? I didn't know. Probably because of something that was written.
“Fifteen,” repeated the auctioneer.
“Fifteen,” the auctioneer repeated.
“Thirty,” said the first bidder in a tone which seemed to defy further competition.
“Thirty,” said the first bidder in a way that seemed to dismiss any further competition.
It had now become a struggle. “Thirty-five,” I cried in the same tone.
It had turned into a battle. “Thirty-five,” I shouted in the same tone.
“Forty.”
"40."
“Fifty.”
"Fifty."
“Sixty.”
"Sixty."
“A hundred.”
"One hundred."
If I had wished to make a sensation I should certainly have succeeded, for a profound silence had ensued, and people gazed at me as if to see what sort of a person it was, who seemed to be so determined to possess the volume.
If I had wanted to make an impression, I definitely would have succeeded because there was a deep silence, and people stared at me as if trying to figure out what kind of person was so intent on owning the book.
The accent which I had given to my last word seemed to convince my adversary; he preferred to abandon a conflict which could only have resulted in making me pay ten times its price for the volume, and, bowing, he said very gracefully, though indeed a little late:
The emphasis I put on my last word seemed to convince my opponent; he chose to back down from a dispute that would have only cost me ten times its value for the book, and, bowing, he said very gracefully, though admittedly a bit late:
“I give way, sir.”
"I yield, sir."
Nothing more being offered, the book was assigned to me.
Nothing else was offered, so the book was assigned to me.
As I was afraid of some new fit of obstinacy, which my amour propre might have sustained somewhat better than my purse, I wrote down my name, had the book put on one side, and went out. I must have given considerable food for reflection to the witnesses of this scene, who would no doubt ask themselves what my purpose could have been in paying a hundred francs for a book which I could have had anywhere for ten, or, at the outside, fifteen.
As I worried about a new spell of stubbornness that my pride might handle a bit better than my wallet, I wrote down my name, set the book aside, and left. I must have given the onlookers a lot to think about, as they probably wondered why I spent a hundred francs on a book that I could have gotten for ten or, at most, fifteen.
An hour after, I sent for my purchase. On the first page was written in ink, in an elegant hand, an inscription on the part of the giver. It consisted of these words:
An hour later, I requested my purchase. On the first page, there was an inscription in ink, written in an elegant style, from the giver. It read as follows:
Manon to Marguerite.
Manon to Marguerite.
Humility.
Humbleness.
It was signed Armand Duval.
Signed, Armand Duval.
What was the meaning of the word Humility? Was Manon to recognise in Marguerite, in the opinion of M. Armand Duval, her superior in vice or in affection? The second interpretation seemed the more probable, for the first would have been an impertinent piece of plain speaking which Marguerite, whatever her opinion of herself, would never have accepted.
What does the word Humility mean? Was Manon supposed to see Marguerite, according to M. Armand Duval, as her superior in wrongdoing or in affection? The second interpretation seemed more likely, because the first would have been a rude statement that Marguerite, no matter how she felt about herself, would never have accepted.
I went out again, and thought no more of the book until at night, when I was going to bed.
I went out again and didn't think about the book until that night when I was getting ready for bed.
Manon Lescaut is a touching story. I know every detail of it, and yet whenever I come across the volume the same sympathy always draws me to it; I open it, and for the hundredth time I live over again with the heroine of the Abbé Prévost. Now this heroine is so true to life that I feel as if I had known her; and thus the sort of comparison between her and Marguerite gave me an unusual inclination to read it, and my indulgence passed into pity, almost into a kind of love for the poor girl to whom I owed the volume. Manon died in the desert, it is true, but in the arms of the man who loved her with the whole energy of his soul; who, when she was dead, dug a grave for her, and watered it with his tears, and buried his heart in it; while Marguerite, a sinner like Manon, and perhaps converted like her, had died in a sumptuous bed (it seemed, after what I had seen, the bed of her past), but in that desert of the heart, a more barren, a vaster, a more pitiless desert than that in which Manon had found her last resting-place.
Manon Lescaut is a moving story. I know every detail of it, and yet every time I pick up the book, I feel the same compassion drawing me in; I open it, and for the hundredth time, I relive the experiences of the heroine created by Abbé Prévost. This heroine feels so real that I feel like I’ve known her; and so the comparison between her and Marguerite made me eager to read it, and my compassion turned into pity, even into a kind of love for the poor girl to whom I owe the book. Manon may have died in the wilderness, but she was in the arms of the man who loved her deeply; who, when she died, dug her grave and soaked it with his tears, burying his heart with her; while Marguerite, a sinner like Manon, and perhaps redeemed like her, died in an extravagant bed (it seemed, after what I had witnessed, to be the bed of her past), but in that emotional desert, a more barren, vast, and cruel desert than the one where Manon found her final resting place.
Marguerite, in fact, as I had found from some friends who knew of the last circumstances of her life, had not a single real friend by her bedside during the two months of her long and painful agony.
Marguerite, as I learned from some friends who were aware of the final events in her life, didn't have a single true friend by her side during the two months of her long and painful suffering.
Then from Manon and Marguerite my mind wandered to those whom I knew, and whom I saw singing along the way which led to just such another death. Poor souls! if it is not right to love them, is it not well to pity them? You pity the blind man who has never seen the daylight, the deaf who has never heard the harmonies of nature, the dumb who has never found a voice for his soul, and, under a false cloak of shame, you will not pity this blindness of heart, this deafness of soul, this dumbness of conscience, which sets the poor afflicted creature beside herself and makes her, in spite of herself, incapable of seeing what is good, of hearing the Lord, and of speaking the pure language of love and faith.
Then my thoughts shifted from Manon and Marguerite to the people I knew, who I saw singing along the path that led to a similar fate. Poor souls! If it’s not right to love them, isn’t it still good to feel pity for them? You feel sorry for the blind man who has never seen the daylight, the deaf person who has never heard the beauty of nature, the mute who has never found a voice for their soul, and yet, behind a false mask of shame, you won’t feel pity for this blindness of heart, this deafness of soul, this muteness of conscience, which drives the poor afflicted person to despair and makes them, despite themselves, unable to see what is good, hear the Lord, or speak the pure language of love and faith.
Hugo has written Marion Delorme, Musset has written Bernerette, Alexandre Dumas has written Fernande, the thinkers and poets of all time have brought to the courtesan the offering of their pity, and at times a great man has rehabilitated them with his love and even with his name. If I insist on this point, it is because many among those who have begun to read me will be ready to throw down a book in which they will fear to find an apology for vice and prostitution; and the author’s age will do something, no doubt, to increase this fear. Let me undeceive those who think thus, and let them go on reading, if nothing but such a fear hinders them.
Hugo wrote Marion Delorme, Musset wrote Bernerette, Alexandre Dumas wrote Fernande, and throughout history, thinkers and poets have shown sympathy toward courtesans, sometimes even a great man has restored their dignity through his love and name. I emphasize this because many of those starting to read my work might be tempted to discard a book they fear promotes vice and prostitution; and the author's era will likely heighten this concern. Let me clear up any misconceptions for those who think this way, and I encourage them to keep reading, even if that fear is holding them back.
I am quite simply convinced of a certain principle, which is: For the woman whose education has not taught her what is right, God almost always opens two ways which lead thither the ways of sorrow and of love. They are hard; those who walk in them walk with bleeding feet and torn hands, but they also leave the trappings of vice upon the thorns of the wayside, and reach the journey’s end in a nakedness which is not shameful in the sight of the Lord.
I firmly believe in a principle: For a woman whose education hasn't shown her what is right, God typically opens two paths that lead there: the paths of sorrow and love. They are tough; those who walk them do so with bleeding feet and injured hands, but they also leave behind the burdens of vice on the thorns by the roadside and reach the end of their journey in a vulnerability that isn't shameful in God's eyes.
Those who meet these bold travellers ought to succour them, and to tell all that they have met them, for in so doing they point out the way. It is not a question of setting at the outset of life two sign-posts, one bearing the inscription “The Right Way,” the other the inscription “The Wrong Way,” and of saying to those who come there, “Choose.” One must needs, like Christ, point out the ways which lead from the second road to the first, to those who have been easily led astray; and it is needful that the beginning of these ways should not be too painful nor appear too impenetrable.
Those who encounter these brave travelers should help them and share their experience, as this guides others. It’s not just about placing two signs at the start of life, one saying “The Right Way” and the other “The Wrong Way,” and telling people, “Choose.” Like Christ, one must show the paths that lead from the wrong road to the right one for those who have been misled; and it’s important that these paths don’t seem too difficult or impossible to navigate at first.
Here is Christianity with its marvellous parable of the Prodigal Son to teach us indulgence and pardon. Jesus was full of love for souls wounded by the passions of men; he loved to bind up their wounds and to find in those very wounds the balm which should heal them. Thus he said to the Magdalen: “Much shall be forgiven thee because thou hast loved much,” a sublimity of pardon which can only have called forth a sublime faith.
Here is Christianity with its amazing story of the Prodigal Son to teach us forgiveness and compassion. Jesus was filled with love for souls hurt by human passions; he loved to heal their wounds and to find in those very wounds the remedy that would restore them. He said to Mary Magdalene: “You will be forgiven greatly because you have loved greatly,” a profound act of forgiveness that could only inspire a deep faith.
Why do we make ourselves more strict than Christ? Why, holding obstinately to the opinions of the world, which hardens itself in order that it may be thought strong, do we reject, as it rejects, souls bleeding at wounds by which, like a sick man’s bad blood, the evil of their past may be healed, if only a friendly hand is stretched out to lave them and set them in the convalescence of the heart?
Why do we hold ourselves to stricter standards than Christ? Why, stubbornly clinging to the opinions of the world, which hardens itself to appear strong, do we turn away from souls suffering from wounds that, like a sick person's bad blood, could be healed if only a kind hand were reaching out to wash them and help them recover emotionally?
It is to my own generation that I speak, to those for whom the theories of M. de Voltaire happily exist no longer, to those who, like myself, realize that humanity, for these last fifteen years, has been in one of its most audacious moments of expansion. The science of good and evil is acquired forever; faith is refashioned, respect for sacred things has returned to us, and if the world has not all at once become good, it has at least become better. The efforts of every intelligent man tend in the same direction, and every strong will is harnessed to the same principle: Be good, be young, be true! Evil is nothing but vanity, let us have the pride of good, and above all let us never despair. Do not let us despise the woman who is neither mother, sister, maid, nor wife. Do not let us limit esteem to the family nor indulgence to egoism. Since “there is more joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth than over ninety and nine just persons that need no repentance,” let us give joy to heaven. Heaven will render it back to us with usury. Let us leave on our way the alms of pardon for those whom earthly desires have driven astray, whom a divine hope shall perhaps save, and, as old women say when they offer you some homely remedy of their own, if it does no good it will do no harm.
I’m speaking to my generation, the ones who no longer need to grapple with M. de Voltaire’s theories, to those who, like me, understand that humanity has experienced one of its boldest moments of growth over the last fifteen years. The understanding of right and wrong is permanently established; faith has been reshaped, and we’ve regained respect for what is sacred. While the world may not have instantly become good, it has at least improved. The efforts of every thoughtful person are aligned in the same direction, and every strong will is committed to the same principle: Be kind, be youthful, be authentic! Evil is just vanity; let's take pride in doing good, and above all, let's never lose hope. Let’s not look down on women who aren’t mothers, sisters, maids, or wives. Let’s not confine our respect to family or our kindness to selfishness. Since “there is more joy in heaven over one sinner that repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who don’t need to repent,” let’s bring joy to heaven. Heaven will return that joy to us many times over. As we go on our way, let’s leave behind acts of forgiveness for those led astray by earthly desires, who may someday be redeemed by divine hope, and as the old ladies say when they offer some simple remedy they've made, if it doesn’t help, it won’t hurt either.
Doubtless it must seem a bold thing to attempt to deduce these grand results out of the meagre subject that I deal with; but I am one of those who believe that all is in little. The child is small, and he includes the man; the brain is narrow, and it harbours thought; the eye is but a point, and it covers leagues.
It might seem pretty daring to try to draw these big conclusions from such a small topic I’m working with, but I’m someone who believes that everything can be found in the little things. A child is small, yet he contains the potential of a man; the brain may be small, but it holds thoughts; the eye is just a tiny point, but it can see for miles.
Chapter IV
Two days after, the sale was ended. It had produced 150,000 francs. The creditors divided among them two thirds, and the family, a sister and a grand-nephew, received the remainder.
Two days later, the sale was over. It had made 150,000 francs. The creditors split two-thirds of it, and the family—a sister and a grand-nephew—got the rest.
The sister opened her eyes very wide when the lawyer wrote to her that she had inherited 50,000 francs. The girl had not seen her sister for six or seven years, and did not know what had become of her from the moment when she had disappeared from home. She came up to Paris in haste, and great was the astonishment of those who had known Marguerite when they saw as her only heir a fine, fat country girl, who until then had never left her village. She had made the fortune at a single stroke, without even knowing the source of that fortune. She went back, I heard afterward, to her countryside, greatly saddened by her sister’s death, but with a sadness which was somewhat lightened by the investment at four and a half per cent which she had been able to make.
The sister's eyes widened in shock when the lawyer informed her that she had inherited 50,000 francs. The girl hadn't seen her sister in six or seven years and had no idea what happened to her since she vanished from home. She rushed to Paris, and those who remembered Marguerite were astonished to see a plump, cheerful country girl as her only heir, someone who had never left her village before. She had struck it rich all at once, without even knowing where the money came from. I later heard that she returned to her countryside, deeply saddened by her sister's death, but her grief was somewhat eased by the investment at four and a half percent that she had managed to make.
All these circumstances, often repeated in Paris, the mother city of scandal, had begun to be forgotten, and I was even little by little forgetting the part I had taken in them, when a new incident brought to my knowledge the whole of Marguerite’s life, and acquainted me with such pathetic details that I was taken with the idea of writing down the story which I now write.
All these situations, often happening in Paris, the capital of scandal, had started to fade from memory, and I was gradually forgetting my involvement in them, when a new event revealed the entirety of Marguerite’s life to me. I discovered such heartbreaking details that I felt compelled to write down the story I’m sharing now.
The rooms, now emptied of all their furniture, had been to let for three or four days when one morning there was a ring at my door.
The rooms, now cleared of all their furniture, had been available for rent for three or four days when one morning there was a knock at my door.
My servant, or, rather, my porter, who acted as my servant, went to the door and brought me a card, saying that the person who had given it to him wished to see me.
My servant, or rather, my doorman, who acted as my servant, went to the door and handed me a card, saying that the person who had given it to him wanted to see me.
I glanced at the card and there read these two words: Armand Duval.
I looked at the card and saw these two words: Armand Duval.
I tried to think where I had seen the name, and remembered the first leaf of the copy of Manon Lescaut. What could the person who had given the book to Marguerite want of me? I gave orders to ask him in at once.
I tried to remember where I had seen the name and recalled the first page of the copy of Manon Lescaut. What could the person who had given the book to Marguerite want from me? I instructed them to let him in right away.
I saw a young man, blond, tall, pale, dressed in a travelling suit which looked as if he had not changed it for some days, and had not even taken the trouble to brush it on arriving at Paris, for it was covered with dust.
I saw a young man who was blond, tall, and pale, wearing a travel suit that seemed like he hadn't changed it for a few days and hadn't even bothered to brush it off after arriving in Paris because it was covered in dust.
M. Duval was deeply agitated; he made no attempt to conceal his agitation, and it was with tears in his eyes and a trembling voice that he said to me:
M. Duval was really upset; he didn’t try to hide his distress, and with tears in his eyes and a shaky voice, he said to me:
“Sir, I beg you to excuse my visit and my costume; but young people are not very ceremonious with one another, and I was so anxious to see you to-day that I have not even gone to the hotel to which I have sent my luggage, and have rushed straight here, fearing that, after all, I might miss you, early as it is.”
“Sir, I ask you to forgive my appearance and my visit; but young people aren’t very formal with each other, and I was so eager to see you today that I didn't even go to the hotel where I've sent my bags. I hurried straight here, worried that I might miss you, even though it's still early.”
I begged M. Duval to sit down by the fire; he did so, and, taking his handkerchief from his pocket, hid his face in it for a moment.
I asked M. Duval to sit by the fire; he did, and after taking his handkerchief from his pocket, he covered his face with it for a moment.
“You must be at a loss to understand,” he went on, sighing sadly, “for what purpose an unknown visitor, at such an hour, in such a costume, and in tears, can have come to see you. I have simply come to ask of you a great service.”
“You probably don’t understand,” he continued, sighing sadly, “why an unknown visitor would come to see you at this hour, dressed like this, and in tears. I’ve come just to ask you for a big favor.”
“Speak on, sir, I am entirely at your disposal.”
“Go ahead, sir, I’m completely at your service.”
“You were present at the sale of Marguerite Gautier?”
“You were there at the sale of Marguerite Gautier?”
At this word the emotion, which he had got the better of for an instant, was too much for him, and he was obliged to cover his eyes with his hand.
At this word, the emotion he had briefly controlled overwhelmed him, and he had to cover his eyes with his hand.
“I must seem to you very absurd,” he added, “but pardon me, and believe that I shall never forget the patience with which you have listened to me.”
“I probably seem really absurd to you,” he added, “but please forgive me, and know that I will never forget the patience you've shown in listening to me.”
“Sir,” I answered, “if the service which I can render you is able to lessen your trouble a little, tell me at once what I can do for you, and you will find me only too happy to oblige you.”
“Sir,” I replied, “if there's any way I can help reduce your burden a little, just let me know what I can do for you, and I’ll be more than happy to assist.”
M. Duval’s sorrow was sympathetic, and in spite of myself I felt the desire of doing him a kindness. Thereupon he said to me:
M. Duval’s sadness was contagious, and despite my better judgment, I felt the urge to do something nice for him. Then he said to me:
“You bought something at Marguerite’s sale?”
“You bought something at Marguerite’s sale?”
“Yes, a book.”
“Yes, it's a book.”
“Manon Lescaut?”
“Manon Lescaut?”
“Precisely.”
"Exactly."
“Have you the book still?”
“Do you still have the book?”
“It is in my bedroom.”
"It's in my bedroom."
On hearing this, Armand Duval seemed to be relieved of a great weight, and thanked me as if I had already rendered him a service merely by keeping the book.
Upon hearing this, Armand Duval appeared to be freed from a heavy burden and thanked me as if I had already done him a favor just by holding onto the book.
I got up and went into my room to fetch the book, which I handed to him.
I got up and went to my room to grab the book, which I gave to him.
“That is it indeed,” he said, looking at the inscription on the first page and turning over the leaves; “that is it indeed,” and two big tears fell on the pages. “Well, sir,” said he, lifting his head, and no longer trying to hide from me that he had wept and was even then on the point of weeping, “do you value this book very greatly?”
“That’s it, for sure,” he said, glancing at the inscription on the first page and flipping through the pages; “that’s it, for sure,” and two big tears dropped onto the pages. “Well, sir,” he continued, raising his head and no longer attempting to hide the fact that he had cried and was about to cry again, “do you really value this book a lot?”
“Why?”
"Why?"
“Because I have come to ask you to give it up to me.”
“Because I’m here to ask you to give it to me.”
“Pardon my curiosity, but was it you, then, who gave it to Marguerite Gautier?”
“Excuse my curiosity, but were you the one who gave it to Marguerite Gautier?”
“It was!”
"It totally was!"
“The book is yours, sir; take it back. I am happy to be able to hand it over to you.”
“The book is yours, sir; take it back. I’m glad I can give it to you.”
“But,” said M. Duval with some embarrassment, “the least I can do is to give you in return the price which you paid for it.”
“But,” said M. Duval, a bit awkwardly, “the least I can do is to give you back the amount you paid for it.”
“Allow me to offer it to you. The price of a single volume in a sale of that kind is a mere nothing, and I do not remember how much I gave for it.”
“Let me give this to you. The price of one book in a sale like that is practically nothing, and I don’t even recall how much I paid for it.”
“You gave one hundred francs.”
"You gave 100 francs."
“True,” I said, embarrassed in my turn, “how do you know?”
“True,” I said, feeling embarrassed, “how do you know?”
“It is quite simple. I hoped to reach Paris in time for the sale, and I only managed to get here this morning. I was absolutely resolved to have something which had belonged to her, and I hastened to the auctioneer and asked him to allow me to see the list of the things sold and of the buyers’ names. I saw that this volume had been bought by you, and I decided to ask you to give it up to me, though the price you had set upon it made me fear that you might yourself have some souvenir in connection with the possession of the book.”
“It’s really simple. I was hoping to get to Paris in time for the auction, and I only arrived this morning. I was completely determined to get something that had belonged to her, so I rushed to the auctioneer and asked him to let me see the list of items sold and the buyers' names. I saw that you bought this volume, and I decided to ask you to give it to me, even though the price you set made me worry that you might have some sentimental connection to the book.”
As he spoke, it was evident that he was afraid I had known Marguerite as he had known her. I hastened to reassure him.
As he talked, it was clear that he was worried I had known Marguerite the way he had. I quickly tried to reassure him.
“I knew Mlle. Gautier only by sight,” I said; “her death made on me the impression that the death of a pretty woman must always make on a young man who had liked seeing her. I wished to buy something at her sale, and I bid higher and higher for this book out of mere obstinacy and to annoy someone else, who was equally keen to obtain it, and who seemed to defy me to the contest. I repeat, then, that the book is yours, and once more I beg you to accept it; do not treat me as if I were an auctioneer, and let it be the pledge between us of a longer and more intimate acquaintance.”
“I only knew Mlle. Gautier by sight,” I said; “her death affected me like it does any young man who found her attractive. I wanted to buy something at her auction, and I kept bidding higher and higher for this book out of sheer stubbornness to annoy someone else who also really wanted it and seemed to challenge me. So again, I say, the book is yours, and I ask you once more to accept it; please don’t treat me like an auctioneer, and let it serve as a promise between us for a deeper and more meaningful connection.”
“Good,” said Armand, holding out his hand and pressing mine; “I accept, and I shall be grateful to you all my life.”
“Good,” said Armand, shaking my hand; “I accept, and I’ll be grateful to you for the rest of my life.”
I was very anxious to question Armand on the subject of Marguerite, for the inscription in the book, the young man’s hurried journey, his desire to possess the volume, piqued my curiosity; but I feared if I questioned my visitor that I might seem to have refused his money only in order to have the right to pry into his affairs.
I was really eager to ask Armand about Marguerite because the note in the book, his rushed visit, and his wish to own the book made me curious. However, I worried that if I asked my guest about it, I might come across as though I had only turned down his money to have the chance to get into his business.
It was as if he guessed my desire, for he said to me:
It was like he knew what I wanted, because he said to me:
“Have you read the volume?”
"Have you read the book?"
“All through.”
"All done."
“What did you think of the two lines that I wrote in it?”
“What did you think of the two lines I wrote in it?”
“I realized at once that the woman to whom you had given the volume must have been quite outside the ordinary category, for I could not take those two lines as a mere empty compliment.”
“I immediately understood that the woman you gave the book to must have been something special because I couldn’t see those two lines as just a pointless compliment.”
“You were right. That woman was an angel. See, read this letter.” And he handed to me a paper which seemed to have been many times reread.
“You were right. That woman was an angel. Look, read this letter.” And he handed me a piece of paper that looked like it had been read many times before.
I opened it, and this is what it contained:
I opened it, and this is what it had inside:
“MY DEAR ARMAND:—I have received your letter. You are still good, and I thank God for it. Yes, my friend, I am ill, and with one of those diseases that never relent; but the interest you still take in me makes my suffering less. I shall not live long enough, I expect, to have the happiness of pressing the hand which has written the kind letter I have just received; the words of it would be enough to cure me, if anything could cure me. I shall not see you, for I am quite near death, and you are hundreds of leagues away. My poor friend! your Marguerite of old times is sadly changed. It is better perhaps for you not to see her again than to see her as she is. You ask if I forgive you; oh, with all my heart, friend, for the way you hurt me was only a way of proving the love you had for me. I have been in bed for a month, and I think so much of your esteem that I write every day the journal of my life, from the moment we left each other to the moment when I shall be able to write no longer. If the interest you take in me is real, Armand, when you come back go and see Julie Duprat. She will give you my journal. You will find in it the reason and the excuse for what has passed between us. Julie is very good to me; we often talk of you together. She was there when your letter came, and we both cried over it.
“MY DEAR ARMAND:—I got your letter. You’re still kind, and I thank God for that. Yes, my friend, I am ill, and with one of those diseases that never lets up; but your continued concern for me makes my suffering a bit easier. I don’t expect to live long enough to experience the joy of shaking the hand that wrote the kind letter I just received; the words alone could heal me, if anything could cure me. I won’t see you because I am very close to death, and you are hundreds of miles away. My poor friend! your Marguerite from the old days has sadly changed. It might be better for you not to see her again than to see her as she is now. You ask if I forgive you; oh, with all my heart, friend, because the way you hurt me was just a way of showing the love you had for me. I’ve been in bed for a month, and I think so much of your esteem that I write every day the journal of my life, from the moment we parted until I can no longer write. If your interest in me is genuine, Armand, when you come back, please see Julie Duprat. She will give you my journal. You will find in it the reasons and justifications for what has happened between us. Julie is very kind to me; we often talk about you together. She was there when your letter arrived, and we both cried over it.
“If you had not sent me any word, I had told her to give you those papers when you returned to France. Do not thank me for it. This daily looking back on the only happy moments of my life does me an immense amount of good, and if you will find in reading it some excuse for the past. I, for my part, find a continual solace in it. I should like to leave you something which would always remind you of me, but everything here has been seized, and I have nothing of my own.
“If you hadn't sent me any message, I would have told her to give you those papers when you got back to France. Don't thank me for it. Looking back on the only happy moments of my life every day is really good for me, and if you find some excuse for the past in reading it, that's fine. As for me, I find constant comfort in it. I wish I could leave you something that would always remind you of me, but everything here has been taken, and I don’t have anything of my own.”
“Do you understand, my friend? I am dying, and from my bed I can hear a man walking to and fro in the drawing-room; my creditors have put him there to see that nothing is taken away, and that nothing remains to me in case I do not die. I hope they will wait till the end before they begin to sell.
“Do you get it, my friend? I’m dying, and from my bed, I can hear a guy pacing back and forth in the living room; my creditors have put him there to make sure nothing gets taken away and that I don’t have anything left in case I end up not dying. I hope they wait until the very end before they start to sell my things.”
“Oh, men have no pity! or rather, I am wrong, it is God who is just and inflexible!
“Oh, men have no mercy! Or maybe I’m mistaken; it’s God who is fair and unyielding!
“And now, dear love, you will come to my sale, and you will buy something, for if I put aside the least thing for you, they might accuse you of embezzling seized goods.
“And now, my dear, you will come to my sale, and you will buy something, because if I set aside even the smallest thing for you, they might accuse you of stealing seized goods.”
“It is a sad life that I am leaving!
“It is a sad life that I am leaving!
“It would be good of God to let me see you again before I die. According to all probability, good-bye, my friend. Pardon me if I do not write a longer letter, but those who say they are going to cure me wear me out with bloodletting, and my hand refuses to write any more.
“It would be kind of God to let me see you again before I die. Most likely, goodbye, my friend. I’m sorry for not writing a longer letter, but those who say they can cure me are exhausting me with bloodletting, and my hand won’t let me write any more.
“MARGUERITE GAUTIER.”
“MARGUERITE GAUTIER.”
The last two words were scarcely legible. I returned the letter to Armand, who had, no doubt, read it over again in his mind while I was reading it on paper, for he said to me as he took it:
The last two words were hardly readable. I gave the letter back to Armand, who had probably read it in his head while I was reading it on paper, because he said to me as he took it:
“Who would think that a kept woman could have written that?” And, overcome by recollections, he gazed for some time at the writing of the letter, which he finally carried to his lips.
“Who would have thought that a mistress could have written this?” And, lost in memories, he stared for a while at the letter's writing, which he eventually brought to his lips.
“And when I think,” he went on, “that she died before I could see her, and that I shall never see her again, when I think that she did for me what no sister would ever have done, I can not forgive myself for having left her to die like that. Dead! Dead and thinking of me, writing and repeating my name, poor dear Marguerite!”
“And when I think,” he continued, “that she died before I could see her, and that I will never see her again, when I think about how she did for me what no sister would ever do, I can't forgive myself for leaving her to die like that. Dead! Dead and thinking of me, writing and saying my name, poor dear Marguerite!”
And Armand, giving free outlet to his thoughts and his tears, held out his hand to me, and continued:
And Armand, letting his thoughts and tears flow freely, reached out his hand to me and continued:
“People would think it childish enough if they saw me lament like this over a dead woman such as she; no one will ever know what I made that woman suffer, how cruel I have been to her! how good, how resigned she was! I thought it was I who had to forgive her, and to-day I feel unworthy of the forgiveness which she grants me. Oh, I would give ten years of my life to weep at her feet for an hour!”
“People would find it pretty childish if they saw me grieving like this over a dead woman like her; no one will ever understand how much I made that woman suffer, how cruel I was to her! She was so good, so accepting! I thought I was the one who needed to forgive her, and today I feel unworthy of the forgiveness she gave me. Oh, I would give ten years of my life just to cry at her feet for an hour!”
It is always difficult to console a sorrow that is unknown to one, and nevertheless I felt so lively a sympathy for the young man, he made me so frankly the confidant of his distress, that I believed a word from me would not be indifferent to him, and I said:
It’s always tough to comfort someone when you don’t know their pain, but I felt such a strong empathy for the young man. He opened up to me about his troubles so honestly that I thought a few words from me might mean something to him, so I said:
“Have you no parents, no friends? Hope. Go and see them; they will console you. As for me, I can only pity you.”
“Don’t you have any parents or friends? Hope. Go visit them; they’ll comfort you. As for me, all I can do is feel sorry for you.”
“It is true,” he said, rising and walking to and fro in the room, “I am wearying you. Pardon me, I did not reflect how little my sorrow must mean to you, and that I am intruding upon you something which can not and ought not to interest you at all.”
“It’s true,” he said, getting up and pacing the room, “I’m boring you. Sorry, I didn’t realize how little my sadness must matter to you, and that I’m imposing something on you that can’t and shouldn’t interest you at all.”
“You mistake my meaning. I am entirely at your service; only I regret my inability to calm your distress. If my society and that of my friends can give you any distraction, if, in short, you have need of me, no matter in what way, I hope you will realize how much pleasure it will give me to do anything for you.”
"You've misunderstood what I mean. I'm completely here for you; I just wish I could help ease your distress. If spending time with me and my friends can provide you with any distraction, or if you need anything else from me, I hope you see how much it would make me happy to do whatever I can for you."
“Pardon, pardon,” said he; “sorrow sharpens the sensations. Let me stay here for a few minutes longer, long enough to dry my eyes, so that the idlers in the street may not look upon it as a curiosity to see a big fellow like me crying. You have made me very happy by giving me this book. I do not know how I can ever express my gratitude to you.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he said; “sadness heightens feelings. Just let me stay here for a few more minutes, long enough to dry my eyes, so the people in the street don’t think it’s strange to see a big guy like me crying. You’ve made me really happy by giving me this book. I don't know how I’ll ever thank you.”
“By giving me a little of your friendship,” said I, “and by telling me the cause of your suffering. One feels better while telling what one suffers.”
“By sharing a bit of your friendship with me,” I said, “and by explaining what’s causing your pain. It’s comforting to talk about what you’re going through.”
“You are right. But to-day I have too much need of tears; I can not very well talk. One day I will tell you the whole story, and you will see if I have reason for regretting the poor girl. And now,” he added, rubbing his eyes for the last time, and looking at himself in the glass, “say that you do not think me too absolutely idiotic, and allow me to come back and see you another time.”
“You're right. But today I really need to cry; I can’t talk very well. One day I’ll tell you the whole story, and you’ll see if I have a reason to regret the poor girl. And now,” he added, rubbing his eyes one last time and looking at himself in the mirror, “please don’t say you think I’m completely ridiculous, and let me come back and see you another time.”
He cast on me a gentle and amiable look. I was near embracing him. As for him, his eyes again began to fill with tears; he saw that I perceived it and turned away his head.
He gave me a gentle and friendly look. I felt like hugging him. As for him, his eyes started filling with tears again; he noticed that I saw it and turned his head away.
“Come,” I said, “courage.”
“Come on,” I said, “courage.”
“Good-bye,” he said.
"Goodbye," he said.
And, making a desperate effort to restrain his tears, he rushed rather than went out of the room.
And, making a desperate effort to hold back his tears, he hurried out of the room.
I lifted the curtain of my window, and saw him get into the cabriolet which awaited him at the door; but scarcely was he seated before he burst into tears and hid his face in his pocket-handkerchief.
I pulled back the curtain of my window and saw him get into the convertible that was waiting for him at the door. But he had barely taken his seat before he started crying and buried his face in his handkerchief.
Chapter V
A good while elapsed before I heard anything more of Armand, but, on the other hand, I was constantly hearing of Marguerite.
A while passed before I heard anything more about Armand, but on the other hand, I kept hearing about Marguerite.
I do not know if you have noticed, if once the name of anybody who might in the natural course of things have always remained unknown, or at all events indifferent to you, should be mentioned before you, immediately details begin to group themselves about the name, and you find all your friends talking to you about something which they have never mentioned to you before. You discover that this person was almost touching you and has passed close to you many times in your life without your noticing it; you find coincidences in the events which are told you, a real affinity with certain events of your own existence. I was not absolutely at that point in regard to Marguerite, for I had seen and met her, I knew her by sight and by reputation; nevertheless, since the moment of the sale, her name came to my ears so frequently, and, owing to the circumstance that I have mentioned in the last chapter, that name was associated with so profound a sorrow, that my curiosity increased in proportion with my astonishment. The consequence was that whenever I met friends to whom I had never breathed the name of Marguerite, I always began by saying:
I don't know if you've noticed that when someone's name comes up, even if that person has always been unknown or unimportant to you, suddenly you start hearing details about them, and your friends bring up things they've never mentioned before. You realize that this person has been close to you at times in your life without you realizing it; you find connections with events in your own life reflected in what people tell you. I wasn't entirely new to Marguerite—I had seen her and knew her by sight and reputation. Still, ever since the sale, her name had come up so often, and because of what I mentioned in the last chapter, it was linked to such deep sadness that my curiosity grew alongside my surprise. So, whenever I met friends and hadn’t mentioned Marguerite before, I always started by saying:
“Did you ever know a certain Marguerite Gautier?”
“Did you ever know a woman named Marguerite Gautier?”
“The Lady of the Camellias?”
“Camille?”
“Exactly.”
“Totally.”
“Oh, very well!”
“Oh, fine!”
The word was sometimes accompanied by a smile which could leave no doubt as to its meaning.
The word was sometimes followed by a smile that made its meaning unmistakable.
“Well, what sort of a girl was she?”
“Well, what kind of girl was she?”
“A good sort of girl.”
“A nice girl.”
“Is that all?”
"Is that it?"
“Oh, yes; more intelligence and perhaps a little more heart than most.”
“Oh, definitely; a bit more intelligence and maybe a little more compassion than the average person.”
“Do you know anything particular about her?”
“Do you know anything specific about her?”
“She ruined Baron de G.”
“She messed up Baron de G.”
“No more than that?”
"Is that all?"
“She was the mistress of the old Duke of...”
“She was the mistress of the old Duke of...”
“Was she really his mistress?”
“Was she really his girlfriend?”
“So they say; at all events, he gave her a great deal of money.”
"So they say; anyway, he gave her a lot of money."
The general outlines were always the same. Nevertheless I was anxious to find out something about the relations between Marguerite and Armand. Meeting one day a man who was constantly about with known women, I asked him: “Did you know Marguerite Gautier?”
The basic details were always the same. Still, I was eager to learn more about the relationship between Marguerite and Armand. One day, I ran into a guy who was always around well-known women, and I asked him, “Did you know Marguerite Gautier?”
The answer was the usual: “Very well.”
The response was the same as always: “Sure thing.”
“What sort of a girl was she?”
“What kind of girl was she?”
“A fine, good girl. I was very sorry to hear of her death.”
“A wonderful, kind girl. I was really sad to hear about her passing.”
“Had she not a lover called Armand Duval?”
“Didn't she have a boyfriend named Armand Duval?”
“Tall and blond?”
“Tall and blonde?”
“Yes.
Yes.
“It is quite true.”
"It's totally true."
“Who was this Armand?”
"Who is this Armand?"
“A fellow who squandered on her the little money he had, and then had to leave her. They say he was quite wild about it.”
“A guy who wasted all his money on her and then had to leave her. They say he was really into her.”
“And she?”
"And her?"
“They always say she was very much in love with him, but as girls like that are in love. It is no good to ask them for what they can not give.”
“They always say she was really in love with him, but it was the kind of love that girls like her have. There's no point in asking them for what they can't provide.”
“What has become of Armand?”
“What's happened to Armand?”
“I don’t know. We knew him very little. He was with Marguerite for five or six months in the country. When she came back, he had gone.”
“I don’t know. We didn't know him very well. He was with Marguerite for five or six months in the countryside. When she came back, he was gone.”
“And you have never seen him since?”
“And you’ve never seen him since?”
“Never.”
"Not a chance."
I, too, had not seen Armand again. I was beginning to ask myself if, when he had come to see me, the recent news of Marguerite’s death had not exaggerated his former love, and consequently his sorrow, and I said to myself that perhaps he had already forgotten the dead woman, and along with her his promise to come and see me again. This supposition would have seemed probable enough in most instances, but in Armand’s despair there had been an accent of real sincerity, and, going from one extreme to another, I imagined that distress had brought on an illness, and that my not seeing him was explained by the fact that he was ill, perhaps dead.
I, too, hadn’t seen Armand again. I started to wonder if, when he came to visit me, the recent news of Marguerite’s death had inflated his previous love and, as a result, his grief. I told myself that maybe he had already forgotten the deceased woman and, along with her, his promise to come see me again. This thought seemed plausible in most cases, but Armand’s anguish had a ring of genuine sincerity, and swinging from one extreme to another, I imagined that his distress had led to an illness, and that my not seeing him could be explained by the fact that he was sick, or maybe even dead.
I was interested in the young man in spite of myself. Perhaps there was some selfishness in this interest; perhaps I guessed at some pathetic love story under all this sorrow; perhaps my desire to know all about it had much to do with the anxiety which Armand’s silence caused me. Since M. Duval did not return to see me, I decided to go and see him. A pretext was not difficult to find; unluckily I did not know his address, and no one among those whom I questioned could give it to me.
I found myself drawn to the young man despite my better judgment. There might have been some selfishness behind my interest; maybe I sensed some sad love story hiding beneath all that grief; maybe my urge to learn everything was tied to the worry caused by Armand’s silence. Since M. Duval hadn’t come back to see me, I decided to visit him. It wasn’t hard to come up with a reason to go; unfortunately, I didn’t have his address, and nobody I asked could provide it.
I went to the Rue d’Antin; perhaps Marguerite’s porter would know where Armand lived. There was a new porter; he knew as little about it as I. I then asked in what cemetery Mlle. Gautier had been buried. It was the Montmartre Cemetery. It was now the month of April; the weather was fine, the graves were not likely to look as sad and desolate as they do in winter; in short, it was warm enough for the living to think a little of the dead, and pay them a visit. I went to the cemetery, saying to myself: “One glance at Marguerite’s grave, and I shall know if Armand’s sorrow still exists, and perhaps I may find out what has become of him.”
I went to Rue d’Antin; maybe Marguerite’s doorman would know where Armand lived. There was a new doorman; he knew as little as I did. I then asked where Mlle. Gautier had been buried. It was Montmartre Cemetery. It was now April; the weather was nice, and the graves probably didn’t look as sad and lonely as they do in winter; in short, it was warm enough for the living to think a little about the dead and pay them a visit. I went to the cemetery, telling myself, “Just one look at Marguerite’s grave, and I’ll know if Armand’s sorrow still exists, and maybe I’ll find out what happened to him.”
I entered the keeper’s lodge, and asked him if on the 22nd of February a woman named Marguerite Gautier had not been buried in the Montmartre Cemetery. He turned over the pages of a big book in which those who enter this last resting-place are inscribed and numbered, and replied that on the 22nd of February, at 12 o’clock, a woman of that name had been buried.
I walked into the keeper’s lodge and asked him if a woman named Marguerite Gautier had been buried in Montmartre Cemetery on February 22nd. He flipped through the pages of a large book where everyone who enters this final resting place is recorded and numbered, and answered that on February 22nd, at 12 o’clock, a woman by that name had indeed been buried.
I asked him to show me the grave, for there is no finding one’s way without a guide in this city of the dead, which has its streets like a city of the living. The keeper called over a gardener, to whom he gave the necessary instructions; the gardener interrupted him, saying: “I know, I know.—It is not difficult to find that grave,” he added, turning to me.
I asked him to show me the grave because you can't navigate this city of the dead without a guide; it has streets just like a living city. The keeper called over a gardener and gave him the needed instructions. The gardener interrupted, saying, "I know, I know. It's not hard to find that grave," he added, turning to me.
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because it has very different flowers from the others.”
“Because it has flowers that are very different from the others.”
“Is it you who look after it?”
“Is it you who takes care of it?”
“Yes, sir; and I wish all relations took as much trouble about the dead as the young man who gave me my orders.”
“Yes, sir; and I wish all relatives cared as much about the dead as the young man who gave me my instructions.”
After several turnings, the gardener stopped and said to me: “Here we are.”
After a few turns, the gardener stopped and said to me, “Here we are.”
I saw before me a square of flowers which one would never have taken for a grave, if it had not been for a white marble slab bearing a name.
I saw a patch of flowers in front of me that you would never mistake for a grave, if it weren't for a white marble stone with a name on it.
The marble slab stood upright, an iron railing marked the limits of the ground purchased, and the earth was covered with white camellias. “What do you say to that?” said the gardener.
The marble slab stood tall, an iron railing defined the boundaries of the purchased land, and the ground was covered with white camellias. “What do you think of that?” said the gardener.
“It is beautiful.”
"It's beautiful."
“And whenever a camellia fades, I have orders to replace it.”
“And whenever a camellia wilts, I’m supposed to replace it.”
“Who gave you the order?”
“Who issued the order?”
“A young gentleman, who cried the first time he came here; an old pal of hers, I suppose, for they say she was a gay one. Very pretty, too, I believe. Did you know her, sir?”
“A young man who cried the first time he came here; an old friend of hers, I guess, because they say she was quite the lively one. Very pretty, too, I think. Did you know her, sir?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah.”
“Like the other?” said the gardener, with a knowing smile.
“Like the other?” said the gardener, giving a knowing smile.
“No, I never spoke to her.”
“No, I never talked to her.”
“And you come here, too! It is very good of you, for those that come to see the poor girl don’t exactly cumber the cemetery.”
“And you come here, too! It’s really nice of you, because the people who come to visit the poor girl don’t exactly crowd the cemetery.”
“Doesn’t anybody come?”
“Doesn’t anyone come?”
“Nobody, except that young gentleman who came once.”
“Nobody, except for that young guy who came by once.”
“Only once?”
“Just once?”
“Yes, sir.”
"Yes, sir."
“He never came back again?”
"Did he never come back?"
“No, but he will when he gets home.”
“No, but he will when he gets back.”
“He is away somewhere?”
“Is he away somewhere?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“Do you know where he is?”
“Do you know where he is?”
“I believe he has gone to see Mlle. Gautier’s sister.”
“I think he went to see Mlle. Gautier’s sister.”
“What does he want there?”
“What does he want there?”
“He has gone to get her authority to have the corpse dug up again and put somewhere else.”
“He has gone to get her permission to have the body exhumed and moved somewhere else.”
“Why won’t he let it remain here?”
“Why won’t he let it stay here?”
“You know, sir, people have queer notions about dead folk. We see something of that every day. The ground here was only bought for five years, and this young gentleman wants a perpetual lease and a bigger plot of ground; it will be better in the new part.”
“You know, sir, people have strange ideas about dead people. We encounter that every day. The land here was only purchased for five years, and this young man wants a permanent lease and a bigger piece of land; it’ll be better in the new section.”
“What do you call the new part?”
“What do you call the new section?”
“The new plots of ground that are for sale, there to the left. If the cemetery had always been kept like it is now, there wouldn’t be the like of it in the world; but there is still plenty to do before it will be quite all it should be. And then people are so queer!”
“The new pieces of land for sale are over there to the left. If the cemetery had always been maintained like it is now, it would be unmatched in the world; but there’s still a lot to be done before it’s everything it needs to be. And then people are so strange!”
“What do you mean?”
"What do you mean?"
“I mean that there are people who carry their pride even here. Now, this Demoiselle Gautier, it appears she lived a bit free, if you’ll excuse my saying so. Poor lady, she’s dead now; there’s no more of her left than of them that no one has a word to say against. We water them every day. Well, when the relatives of the folk that are buried beside her found out the sort of person she was, what do you think they said? That they would try to keep her out from here, and that there ought to be a piece of ground somewhere apart for these sort of women, like there is for the poor. Did you ever hear of such a thing? I gave it to them straight, I did: well-to-do folk who come to see their dead four times a year, and bring their flowers themselves, and what flowers! and look twice at the keep of them they pretend to cry over, and write on their tombstones all about the tears they haven’t shed, and come and make difficulties about their neighbours. You may believe me or not, sir, I never knew the young lady; I don’t know what she did. Well, I’m quite in love with the poor thing; I look after her well, and I let her have her camellias at an honest price. She is the dead body that I like the best. You see, sir, we are obliged to love the dead, for we are kept so busy, we have hardly time to love anything else.”
“I mean that there are people who still hold onto their pride even here. Now, this Demoiselle Gautier, it seems she lived a bit freely, if you don’t mind my saying so. Poor lady, she’s gone now; there’s not more left of her than there is of those who no one has a single bad word to say about. We tend to them every day. Well, when the relatives of those buried next to her found out what kind of person she was, what do you think they said? That they would try to keep her out of here, and that there should be a separate space for women like her, just like there is for the poor. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I told them straight out: wealthy folks who come to visit their dead four times a year, bringing their flowers themselves, and what flowers! And they take a second look at the graves they pretend to weep over, and write on the tombstones about the tears they haven’t shed, then complain about their neighbors. You can believe me or not, sir, I never met the young lady; I don’t know what she did. Still, I’ve grown quite fond of the poor thing; I take good care of her, and I let her have her camellias at a fair price. She is the dead person I care for the most. You see, sir, we have to love the dead because we’re so busy that we hardly have time to love anything else.”
I looked at the man, and some of my readers will understand, without my needing to explain it to them, the emotion which I felt on hearing him. He observed it, no doubt, for he went on:
I looked at the man, and some of my readers will get it, without me having to explain, the emotion I felt when I heard him. He noticed it, no doubt, because he continued:
“They tell me there were people who ruined themselves over that girl, and lovers that worshipped her; well, when I think there isn’t one of them that so much as buys her a flower now, that’s queer, sir, and sad. And, after all, she isn’t so badly off, for she has her grave to herself, and if there is only one who remembers her, he makes up for the others. But we have other poor girls here, just like her and just her age, and they are just thrown into a pauper’s grave, and it breaks my heart when I hear their poor bodies drop into the earth. And not a soul thinks about them any more, once they are dead! ’Tisn’t a merry trade, ours, especially when we have a little heart left. What do you expect? I can’t help it. I have a fine, strapping girl myself; she’s just twenty, and when a girl of that age comes here I think of her, and I don’t care if it’s a great lady or a vagabond, I can’t help feeling it a bit. But I am taking up your time, sir, with my tales, and it wasn’t to hear them you came here. I was told to show you Mlle. Gautier’s grave; here you have it. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“They say there were people who ruined themselves over that girl, and lovers who adored her; well, when I think that not one of them even buys her a flower now, that’s strange, sir, and sad. And, after all, she’s not in such bad shape, because she has her grave to herself, and if there’s only one person who remembers her, he makes up for the rest. But we have other poor girls here, just like her and about the same age, and they’re just tossed into a pauper’s grave, and it breaks my heart when I hear their poor bodies drop into the ground. And not a single soul thinks about them anymore, once they’re gone! It’s not a happy job, ours, especially when we still have a bit of compassion left. What can you do? I can’t help it. I have a strong, healthy girl myself; she’s only twenty, and when a girl that age comes here, I think of her, and I don’t care if it’s a high-class lady or a homeless person, I can’t help but feel something. But I’m taking up your time, sir, with my stories, and you didn’t come here to hear them. I was told to show you Mlle. Gautier’s grave; here it is. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Do you know M. Armand Duval’s address?” I asked.
“Do you know M. Armand Duval’s address?” I asked.
“Yes; he lives at Rue de ——; at least, that’s where I always go to get my money for the flowers you see there.”
“Yes; he lives on Rue de ——; at least, that’s where I always go to get my money for the flowers you see there.”
“Thanks, my good man.”
“Thanks, man.”
I gave one more look at the grave covered with flowers, half longing to penetrate the depths of the earth and see what the earth had made of the fair creature that had been cast to it; then I walked sadly away.
I took one last look at the grave covered in flowers, half wishing I could delve into the ground and see what the earth had done with the beautiful person who had been laid to rest there; then I walked away, feeling sad.
“Do you want to see M. Duval, sir?” said the gardener, who was walking beside me.
“Do you want to see M. Duval, sir?” asked the gardener, who was walking next to me.
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“Well, I am pretty sure he is not back yet, or he would have been here already.”
“Well, I'm pretty sure he isn't back yet, or he would have been here by now.”
“You don’t think he has forgotten Marguerite?”
“You don’t think he’s forgotten about Marguerite?”
“I am not only sure he hasn’t, but I would wager that he wants to change her grave simply in order to have one more look at her.”
“I’m not just sure he hasn’t; I’d bet he wants to change her grave just to have one more look at her.”
“Why do you think that?”
"Why do you think so?"
“The first word he said to me when he came to the cemetery was: ‘How can I see her again?’ That can’t be done unless there is a change of grave, and I told him all about the formalities that have to be attended to in getting it done; for, you see, if you want to move a body from one grave to another you must have it identified, and only the family can give leave for it under the direction of a police inspector. That is why M. Duval has gone to see Mlle. Gautier’s sister, and you may be sure his first visit will be for me.”
“The first thing he said to me when he arrived at the cemetery was, ‘How can I see her again?’ That isn’t possible unless the grave is changed, and I explained to him all the formalities that need to be followed to make that happen; because, you see, if you want to move a body from one grave to another, it has to be identified, and only the family can authorize it under the direction of a police inspector. That’s why M. Duval has gone to speak with Mlle. Gautier’s sister, and you can be sure his first visit will be to me.”
We had come to the cemetery gate. I thanked the gardener again, putting a few coins into his hand, and made my way to the address he had given me.
We arrived at the cemetery gate. I thanked the gardener once more, placing a few coins in his hand, and headed to the address he had provided.
Armand had not yet returned. I left word for him, begging him to come and see me as soon as he arrived, or to send me word where I could find him.
Armand still hadn't come back. I left a message for him, asking him to visit me as soon as he got here, or to let me know where I could find him.
Next day, in the morning, I received a letter from Duval, telling me of his return, and asking me to call on him, as he was so worn out with fatigue that it was impossible for him to go out.
The next morning, I got a letter from Duval, letting me know he was back and asking me to visit him since he was so exhausted that he couldn’t go out.
Chapter VI
I found Armand in bed. On seeing me he held out a burning hand. “You are feverish,” I said to him. “It is nothing, the fatigue of a rapid journey; that is all.” “You have been to see Marguerite’s sister?” “Yes; who told you?” “I knew it. Did you get what you wanted?”
I found Armand in bed. When he saw me, he reached out with a hot hand. “You have a fever,” I said to him. “It's nothing, just the exhaustion from a quick trip; that's all.” “Did you see Marguerite’s sister?” “Yeah; who told you?” “I figured it out. Did you get what you were after?”
“Yes; but who told you of my journey, and of my reason for taking it?”
“Yes, but who told you about my trip and why I went?”
“The gardener of the cemetery.”
“The cemetery gardener.”
“You have seen the tomb?”
"Have you seen the tomb?"
I scarcely dared reply, for the tone in which the words were spoken proved to me that the speaker was still possessed by the emotion which I had witnessed before, and that every time his thoughts or speech travelled back to that mournful subject emotion would still, for a long time to come, prove stronger than his will. I contented myself with a nod of the head.
I hardly dared to respond, because the way the words were said made it clear to me that the speaker was still overwhelmed by the same emotion I had seen before, and that whenever his thoughts or words returned to that sad topic, his feelings would remain stronger than his will for quite a while. I settled for a nod of my head.
“He has looked after it well?” continued Armand. Two big tears rolled down the cheeks of the sick man, and he turned away his head to hide them from me. I pretended not to see them, and tried to change the conversation. “You have been away three weeks,” I said.
“He's taken good care of it?” Armand asked. Two big tears slid down the sick man's cheeks, and he turned his head to hide them from me. I pretended not to notice and tried to change the subject. “You’ve been gone for three weeks,” I said.
Armand passed his hand across his eyes and replied, “Exactly three weeks.”
Armand rubbed his eyes and said, “Exactly three weeks.”
“You had a long journey.”
"You had a long trip."
“Oh, I was not travelling all the time. I was ill for a fortnight or I should have returned long ago; but I had scarcely got there when I took this fever, and I was obliged to keep my room.”
“Oh, I wasn't traveling the whole time. I was sick for two weeks, or I would have come back much sooner; but I had barely arrived when I caught this fever, and I had to stay in my room.”
“And you started to come back before you were really well?”
“And you came back before you were really better?”
“If I had remained in the place for another week, I should have died there.”
“If I had stayed there for another week, I would have died.”
“Well, now you are back again, you must take care of yourself; your friends will come and look after you; myself, first of all, if you will allow me.”
“Well, now that you're back, you need to take care of yourself; your friends will come and check on you; I’ll be the first, if you let me.”
“I shall get up in a couple of hours.”
“I'll get up in a couple of hours.”
“It would be very unwise.”
“It would be very risky.”
“I must.”
“I have to.”
“What have you to do in such a great hurry?”
“What are you in such a rush for?”
“I must go to the inspector of police.”
“I need to go see the police inspector.”
“Why do you not get one of your friends to see after the matter? It is likely to make you worse than you are now.”
“Why don't you get one of your friends to take care of this? It's probably going to make things worse for you than they are now.”
“It is my only chance of getting better. I must see her. Ever since I heard of her death, especially since I saw her grave, I have not been able to sleep. I can not realize that this woman, so young and so beautiful when I left her, is really dead. I must convince myself of it. I must see what God has done with a being that I have loved so much, and perhaps the horror of the sight will cure me of my despair. Will you accompany me, if it won’t be troubling you too much?”
“It’s my only chance to get better. I need to see her. Ever since I heard about her death, especially after I visited her grave, I haven’t been able to sleep. I can’t believe that this woman, so young and beautiful when I left her, is really gone. I need to convince myself of it. I have to see what God has done to someone I loved so deeply, and maybe the shock of it will pull me out of my despair. Will you come with me, if it’s not too much trouble?”
“What did her sister say about it?”
“What did her sister say about that?”
“Nothing. She seemed greatly surprised that a stranger wanted to buy a plot of ground and give Marguerite a new grave, and she immediately signed the authorization that I asked her for.”
“Nothing. She looked really surprised that a stranger wanted to buy a piece of land and give Marguerite a new grave, and she quickly signed the authorization I asked for.”
“Believe me, it would be better to wait until you are quite well.”
“Trust me, it would be better to wait until you’re fully recovered.”
“Have no fear; I shall be quite composed. Besides, I should simply go out of my mind if I were not to carry out a resolution which I have set myself to carry out. I swear to you that I shall never be myself again until I have seen Marguerite. It is perhaps the thirst of the fever, a sleepless night’s dream, a moment’s delirium; but though I were to become a Trappist, like M. de Rance’, after having seen, I will see.”
“Don’t worry; I’ll stay calm. Besides, I’d go crazy if I didn’t follow through on a resolution I’ve made for myself. I promise you that I won’t be myself again until I’ve seen Marguerite. It might be the fever talking, a sleepless night’s dream, or a moment of delirium; but even if I became a monk like M. de Rance, after seeing her, I will see her.”
“I understand,” I said to Armand, “and I am at your service. Have you seen Julie Duprat?”
“I understand,” I said to Armand, “and I'm here to help. Have you seen Julie Duprat?”
“Yes, I saw her the day I returned, for the first time.”
“Yes, I saw her the day I came back, and it was my first time.”
“Did she give you the papers that Marguerite had left for you?”
“Did she give you the papers that Marguerite left for you?”
Armand drew a roll of papers from under his pillow, and immediately put them back.
Armand pulled out a roll of papers from under his pillow but quickly put them back.
“I know all that is in these papers by heart,” he said. “For three weeks I have read them ten times over every day. You shall read them, too, but later on, when I am calmer, and can make you understand all the love and tenderness hidden away in this confession. For the moment I want you to do me a service.”
“I know everything in these papers by heart,” he said. “For three weeks, I’ve read them ten times a day. You’ll read them too, but later, when I’m calmer and can help you understand all the love and tenderness hidden in this confession. For now, I need you to do me a favor.”
“What is it?”
"What's that?"
“Your cab is below?”
“Your rideshare is downstairs?”
“Yes.
“Yeah.
“Well, will you take my passport and ask if there are any letters for me at the poste restante? My father and sister must have written to me at Paris, and I went away in such haste that I did not go and see before leaving. When you come back we will go together to the inspector of police, and arrange for to-morrow’s ceremony.”
“Well, will you take my passport and check if there are any letters for me at the poste restante? My father and sister must have written to me in Paris, and I left in such a hurry that I didn’t stop to check before leaving. When you come back, we’ll go together to the police inspector and sort out tomorrow’s ceremony.”
Armand handed me his passport, and I went to Rue Jean Jacques Rousseau. There were two letters addressed to Duval. I took them and returned. When I re-entered the room Armand was dressed and ready to go out.
Armand gave me his passport, and I went to Rue Jean Jacques Rousseau. There were two letters addressed to Duval. I took them and came back. When I walked back into the room, Armand was dressed and ready to head out.
“Thanks,” he said, taking the letters. “Yes,” he added, after glancing at the addresses, “they are from my father and sister. They must have been quite at a loss to understand my silence.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the letters. “Yeah,” he added, after looking at the addresses, “they are from my dad and sister. They must have been really confused about my silence.”
He opened the letters, guessed at rather than read them, for each was of four pages; and a moment after folded them up. “Come,” he said, “I will answer tomorrow.”
He opened the letters, inferred their contents instead of reading them, since each was four pages long; and a moment later, he folded them up. “Come on,” he said, “I’ll respond tomorrow.”
We went to the police station, and Armand handed in the permission signed by Marguerite’s sister. He received in return a letter to the keeper of the cemetery, and it was settled that the disinterment was to take place next day, at ten o’clock, that I should call for him an hour before, and that we should go to the cemetery together.
We went to the police station, and Armand submitted the permission signed by Marguerite’s sister. In return, he received a letter for the cemetery caretaker, confirming that the exhumation would happen the next day at ten o’clock. I was to pick him up an hour earlier so that we could go to the cemetery together.
I confess that I was curious to be present, and I did not sleep all night. Judging from the thoughts which filled my brain, it must have been a long night for Armand. When I entered his room at nine on the following morning he was frightfully pale, but seemed calm. He smiled and held out his hand. His candles were burned out; and before leaving he took a very heavy letter addressed to his father, and no doubt containing an account of that night’s impressions.
I admit that I was curious to be there, and I didn't sleep at all that night. Considering the thoughts running through my head, it must have felt like a long night for Armand. When I walked into his room at nine the next morning, he looked really pale but seemed composed. He smiled and extended his hand. His candles had burned out, and before leaving, he picked up a very heavy letter addressed to his father, which was probably about the events of that night.
Half an hour later we were at Montmartre. The police inspector was there already. We walked slowly in the direction of Marguerite’s grave. The inspector went in front; Armand and I followed a few steps behind.
Half an hour later, we arrived at Montmartre. The police inspector was already there. We walked slowly towards Marguerite’s grave. The inspector led the way; Armand and I followed a few steps behind.
From time to time I felt my companion’s arm tremble convulsively, as if he shivered from head to feet. I looked at him. He understood the look, and smiled at me; we had not exchanged a word since leaving the house.
From time to time, I felt my companion’s arm shake uncontrollably, as if he was shivering from head to toe. I glanced at him. He got the message and smiled at me; we hadn't said a word since leaving the house.
Just before we reached the grave, Armand stopped to wipe his face, which was covered with great drops of sweat. I took advantage of the pause to draw in a long breath, for I, too, felt as if I had a weight on my chest.
Just before we got to the grave, Armand paused to wipe the sweat off his face. I used the break to take a deep breath because I also felt like there was a weight on my chest.
What is the origin of that mournful pleasure which we find in sights of this kind? When we reached the grave the gardener had removed all the flower-pots, the iron railing had been taken away, and two men were turning up the soil.
What is the source of that bittersweet joy we experience from sights like this? When we got to the grave, the gardener had taken away all the flower pots, the metal railing was gone, and two men were digging up the soil.
Armand leaned against a tree and watched. All his life seemed to pass before his eyes. Suddenly one of the two pickaxes struck against a stone. At the sound Armand recoiled, as at an electric shock, and seized my hand with such force as to give me pain.
Armand leaned against a tree and watched. His entire life seemed to flash before his eyes. Suddenly, one of the two pickaxes hit a stone. At the sound, Armand flinched as if he’d been shocked, and gripped my hand so tightly that it hurt.
One of the grave-diggers took a shovel and began emptying out the earth; then, when only the stones covering the coffin were left, he threw them out one by one.
One of the grave-diggers grabbed a shovel and started digging out the dirt; then, when only the stones covering the coffin remained, he tossed them out one by one.
I scrutinized Armand, for every moment I was afraid lest the emotions which he was visibly repressing should prove too much for him; but he still watched, his eyes fixed and wide open, like the eyes of a madman, and a slight trembling of the cheeks and lips were the only signs of the violent nervous crisis under which he was suffering.
I closely observed Armand, worried that the emotions he was clearly holding back would overwhelm him; yet he kept watching, his eyes wide open and fixed like those of a madman, with only a slight tremor in his cheeks and lips revealing the intense nervous crisis he was experiencing.
As for me, all I can say is that I regretted having come.
As for me, all I can say is that I regretted coming.
When the coffin was uncovered the inspector said to the grave-digger: “Open it.” They obeyed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
When the coffin was opened, the inspector said to the grave-digger, "Open it." They complied, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
The coffin was of oak, and they began to unscrew the lid. The humidity of the earth had rusted the screws, and it was not without some difficulty that the coffin was opened. A painful odour arose in spite of the aromatic plants with which it was covered.
The coffin was made of oak, and they started to unscrew the lid. The moisture in the ground had rusted the screws, and it took some effort to get the coffin open. A painful smell came out despite the aromatic plants covering it.
“O my God, my God!” murmured Armand, and turned paler than before.
“O my God, my God!” Armand murmured, his face turning even paler than before.
Even the grave-digger drew back.
Even the grave digger stepped back.
A great white shroud covered the corpse, closely outlining some of its contours. This shroud was almost completely eaten away at one end, and left one of the feet visible.
A large white covering draped the body, clearly highlighting some of its shapes. This covering was nearly completely worn away at one end, leaving one of the feet visible.
I was nearly fainting, and at the moment of writing these lines I see the whole scene over again in all its imposing reality.
I was almost fainting, and as I write these lines, I can see the whole scene again in all its powerful reality.
“Quick,” said the inspector. Thereupon one of the men put out his hand, began to unsew the shroud, and taking hold of it by one end suddenly laid bare the face of Marguerite.
“Quick,” said the inspector. Then one of the men reached out, started to unpick the shroud, and grabbing it by one end, suddenly revealed Marguerite's face.
It was terrible to see, it is horrible to relate. The eyes were nothing but two holes, the lips had disappeared, vanished, and the white teeth were tightly set. The black hair, long and dry, was pressed tightly about the forehead, and half veiled the green hollows of the cheeks; and yet I recognised in this face the joyous white and rose face that I had seen so often.
It was awful to witness, and it's painful to describe. The eyes were just two empty sockets, the lips were gone, completely vanished, and the white teeth were clenched tight. The long, dry black hair clung close to the forehead, partially obscuring the hollow green cheeks; still, I recognized in this face the cheerful white and pink face I had seen so many times before.
Armand, unable to turn away his eyes, had put the handkerchief to his mouth and bit it.
Armand, unable to look away, pressed the handkerchief to his mouth and bit down on it.
For my part, it was as if a circle of iron tightened about my head, a veil covered my eyes, a rumbling filled my ears, and all I could do was to unstop a smelling bottle which I happened to have with me, and to draw in long breaths of it.
For me, it felt like an iron circle was tightening around my head, a veil was covering my eyes, a rumbling filled my ears, and all I could do was open a smelling bottle I happened to have with me and take deep breaths from it.
Through this bewilderment I heard the inspector say to Duval, “Do you identify?”
Through this confusion, I heard the inspector ask Duval, “Do you recognize him?”
“Yes,” replied the young man in a dull voice.
“Yes,” responded the young man in a flat tone.
“Then fasten it up and take it away,” said the inspector.
“Then fasten it up and take it away,” said the inspector.
The grave-diggers put back the shroud over the face of the corpse, fastened up the coffin, took hold of each end of it, and began to carry it toward the place where they had been told to take it.
The grave-diggers covered the corpse's face with the shroud, closed the coffin, grabbed each end, and started to carry it to the location where they had been instructed to take it.
Armand did not move. His eyes were fixed upon the empty grave; he was as white as the corpse which we had just seen. He looked as if he had been turned to stone.
Armand didn’t move. His eyes were locked on the empty grave; he was as pale as the corpse we had just seen. He looked like he had been turned to stone.
I saw what was coming as soon as the pain caused by the spectacle should have abated and thus ceased to sustain him. I went up to the inspector. “Is this gentleman’s presence still necessary?” I said, pointing to Armand.
I realized what was about to happen as soon as the pain from the situation should have faded and stopped supporting him. I approached the inspector. “Does this gentleman still need to be here?” I asked, pointing to Armand.
“No,” he replied, “and I should advise you to take him away. He looks ill.”
“No,” he said, “and I recommend you take him home. He looks unwell.”
“Come,” I said to Armand, taking him by the arm.
"Come on," I said to Armand, grabbing his arm.
“What?” he said, looking at me as if he did not recognise me.
“What?” he said, looking at me like he didn’t recognize me.
“It is all over,” I added. “You must come, my friend; you are quite white; you are cold. These emotions will be too much for you.”
“It’s all over,” I said. “You have to come, my friend; you’re looking pale; you’re freezing. These feelings are going to be too overwhelming for you.”
“You are right. Let us go,” he answered mechanically, but without moving a step.
“You're right. Let's go,” he replied automatically, but he didn't move a muscle.
I took him by the arm and led him along. He let himself be guided like a child, only from time to time murmuring, “Did you see her eyes?” and he turned as if the vision had recalled her.
I took him by the arm and led him along. He let himself be guided like a child, only occasionally murmuring, “Did you see her eyes?” and he turned as if the memory had brought her back.
Nevertheless, his steps became more irregular; he seemed to walk by a series of jerks; his teeth chattered; his hands were cold; a violent agitation ran through his body. I spoke to him; he did not answer. He was just able to let himself be led along. A cab was waiting at the gate. It was only just in time. Scarcely had he seated himself, when the shivering became more violent, and he had an actual attack of nerves, in the midst of which his fear of frightening me made him press my hand and whisper: “It is nothing, nothing. I want to weep.”
Nevertheless, his steps became more uneven; he seemed to walk in sudden jerks; his teeth chattered; his hands were cold; a violent shaking ran through his body. I spoke to him; he didn’t reply. He could only let himself be guided along. A cab was waiting at the gate. It was just in time. Hardly had he settled in when the shaking intensified, and he had a full-blown anxiety attack, during which his fear of scaring me made him grip my hand and whisper, “It’s nothing, nothing. I want to cry.”
His chest laboured, his eyes were injected with blood, but no tears came. I made him smell the salts which I had with me, and when we reached his house only the shivering remained.
His chest heaved, his eyes were bloodshot, but no tears fell. I made him sniff the salts I had with me, and when we got to his house, only the shivering was left.
With the help of his servant I put him to bed, lit a big fire in his room, and hurried off to my doctor, to whom I told all that had happened. He hastened with me.
With the help of his servant, I got him settled in bed, started a big fire in his room, and rushed off to my doctor, to whom I explained everything that had happened. He quickly came with me.
Armand was flushed and delirious; he stammered out disconnected words, in which only the name of Marguerite could be distinctly heard.
Armand was flushed and delirious; he stammered out jumbled words, and the only name that could be clearly heard was Marguerite.
“Well?” I said to the doctor when he had examined the patient.
"Well?" I asked the doctor after he examined the patient.
“Well, he has neither more nor less than brain fever, and very lucky it is for him, for I firmly believe (God forgive me!) that he would have gone out of his mind. Fortunately, the physical malady will kill the mental one, and in a month’s time he will be free from the one and perhaps from the other.”
“Well, he has exactly brain fever, and he's lucky for it, because I truly believe (God forgive me!) that he would have lost his mind otherwise. Luckily, this physical illness will take care of the mental one, and in a month's time, he'll be rid of both.”
Chapter VII
Illnesses like Armand’s have one fortunate thing about them: they either kill outright or are very soon overcome. A fortnight after the events which I have just related Armand was convalescent, and we had already become great friends. During the whole course of his illness I had hardly left his side.
Illnesses like Armand’s have one good thing about them: they either kill you quickly or you get over them soon. Two weeks after the events I just described, Armand was recovering, and we had already become close friends. Throughout his entire illness, I hardly left his side.
Spring was profuse in its flowers, its leaves, its birds, its songs; and my friend’s window opened gaily upon his garden, from which a reviving breath of health seemed to come to him. The doctor had allowed him to get up, and we often sat talking at the open window, at the hour when the sun is at its height, from twelve to two. I was careful not to refer to Marguerite, fearing lest the name should awaken sad recollections hidden under the apparent calm of the invalid; but Armand, on the contrary, seemed to delight in speaking of her, not as formerly, with tears in his eyes, but with a sweet smile which reassured me as to the state of his mind.
Spring was bursting with flowers, leaves, birds, and songs; my friend's window opened cheerfully onto his garden, from which a refreshing breath of health seemed to flow to him. The doctor had given him permission to get up, and we often sat conversing at the open window during the sunniest part of the day, from twelve to two. I was careful not to mention Marguerite, worried that her name might stir up sad memories hidden beneath the apparent calm of the patient; but Armand, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy talking about her, not as he used to with tears in his eyes, but with a gentle smile that reassured me about his state of mind.
I had noticed that ever since his last visit to the cemetery, and the sight which had brought on so violent a crisis, sorrow seemed to have been overcome by sickness, and Marguerite’s death no longer appeared to him under its former aspect. A kind of consolation had sprung from the certainty of which he was now fully persuaded, and in order to banish the sombre picture which often presented itself to him, he returned upon the happy recollections of his liaison with Marguerite, and seemed resolved to think of nothing else.
I had noticed that ever since his last visit to the cemetery, and the sight that had caused such a violent crisis, sadness seemed to have been replaced by illness, and Marguerite’s death no longer affected him the way it used to. A sort of comfort had emerged from the certainty he now fully believed in, and to drive away the dark image that often came to mind, he focused on the happy memories of his relationship with Marguerite, appearing determined to think of nothing else.
The body was too much weakened by the attack of fever, and even by the process of its cure, to permit him any violent emotions, and the universal joy of spring which wrapped him round carried his thoughts instinctively to images of joy. He had always obstinately refused to tell his family of the danger which he had been in, and when he was well again his father did not even know that he had been ill.
The body was too weakened by the fever and even by the recovery process to allow him any intense emotions, and the overall joy of spring surrounding him instinctively brought his thoughts to images of happiness. He had always stubbornly refused to tell his family about the danger he had faced, and when he was better, his father didn’t even know he had been sick.
One evening we had sat at the window later than usual; the weather had been superb, and the sun sank to sleep in a twilight dazzling with gold and azure. Though we were in Paris, the verdure which surrounded us seemed to shut us off from the world, and our conversation was only now and again disturbed by the sound of a passing vehicle.
One evening we sat by the window later than usual; the weather had been amazing, and the sun set in a twilight filled with gold and blue. Even though we were in Paris, the greenery around us made us feel cut off from the world, and our conversation was only occasionally interrupted by the sound of a passing car.
“It was about this time of the year, on the evening of a day like this, that I first met Marguerite,” said Armand to me, as if he were listening to his own thoughts rather than to what I was saying. I did not answer. Then turning toward me, he said:
“It was around this time of year, on an evening like this, that I first met Marguerite,” Armand said to me, as if he were absorbed in his own thoughts rather than what I was saying. I didn’t respond. Then, turning toward me, he said:
“I must tell you the whole story; you will make a book out of it; no one will believe it, but it will perhaps be interesting to do.”
“I have to share the whole story with you; you’ll turn it into a book; no one will believe it, but it might be interesting to try.”
“You will tell me all about it later on, my friend,” I said to him; “you are not strong enough yet.”
“You'll tell me all about it later, my friend,” I said to him; “you're not strong enough yet.”
“It is a warm evening, I have eaten my ration of chicken,” he said to me, smiling; “I have no fever, we have nothing to do, I will tell it to you now.”
“It’s a warm evening, I’ve had my share of chicken,” he said to me with a smile; “I don’t have a fever, we have nothing to do, I’ll tell you about it now.”
“Since you really wish it, I will listen.”
“Since you really want it, I will listen.”
This is what he told me, and I have scarcely changed a word of the touching story.
This is what he told me, and I haven't changed a word of the touching story.
Yes (Armand went on, letting his head sink back on the chair), yes, it was just such an evening as this. I had spent the day in the country with one of my friends, Gaston R—. We returned to Paris in the evening, and not knowing what to do we went to the Variétés. We went out during one of the entr’actes, and a tall woman passed us in the corridor, to whom my friend bowed.
Yes (Armand continued, letting his head lean back against the chair), yes, it was exactly an evening like this. I had spent the day in the countryside with one of my friends, Gaston R—. We came back to Paris in the evening, and not knowing what to do, we decided to go to the Variétés. We stepped out during one of the intermissions, and a tall woman walked past us in the hallway, to whom my friend bowed.
“Whom are you bowing to?” I asked.
“Who are you bowing to?” I asked.
“Marguerite Gautier,” he said.
"Marguerite Gautier," he said.
“She seems much changed, for I did not recognise her,” I said, with an emotion that you will soon understand.
“She seems really different; I didn’t recognize her,” I said, with a feeling that you’ll soon understand.
“She has been ill; the poor girl won’t last long.”
"She’s been sick; the poor girl won’t survive much longer."
I remember the words as if they had been spoken to me yesterday.
I remember the words like they were spoken to me yesterday.
I must tell you, my friend, that for two years the sight of this girl had made a strange impression on me whenever I came across her. Without knowing why, I turned pale and my heart beat violently. I have a friend who studies the occult sciences, and he would call what I experienced “the affinity of fluids”; as for me, I only know that I was fated to fall in love with Marguerite, and that I foresaw it.
I have to tell you, my friend, that for two years, seeing this girl left a weird impression on me every time I encountered her. For some reason, I would turn pale and my heart would race. I have a friend who studies the occult, and he would refer to what I felt as “the affinity of fluids”; but all I know is that I was meant to fall in love with Marguerite, and I could see it coming.
It is certainly the fact that she made a very definite impression upon me, that many of my friends had noticed it and that they had been much amused when they saw who it was that made this impression upon me.
It’s definitely true that she left a strong impression on me, that many of my friends noticed it, and that they found it quite entertaining when they realized who made that impression on me.
The first time I ever saw her was in the Place de la Bourse, outside Susse’s; an open carriage was stationed there, and a woman dressed in white got down from it. A murmur of admiration greeted her as she entered the shop. As for me, I was rivetted to the spot from the moment she went in till the moment when she came out again. I could see her through the shop windows selecting what she had come to buy. I might have gone in, but I dared not. I did not know who she was, and I was afraid lest she should guess why I had come in and be offended. Nevertheless, I did not think I should ever see her again.
The first time I saw her was at the Place de la Bourse, outside Susse’s; an open carriage was parked there, and a woman in white stepped out. A murmur of admiration greeted her as she walked into the shop. As for me, I was glued to the spot from the moment she went in until the moment she came out again. I could see her through the shop windows picking out what she had come to buy. I could have gone inside, but I didn’t have the courage. I didn’t know who she was, and I was scared she might figure out why I was there and take offense. Still, I honestly thought I would never see her again.
She was elegantly dressed; she wore a muslin dress with many flounces, an Indian shawl embroidered at the corners with gold and silk flowers, a straw hat, a single bracelet, and a heavy gold chain, such as was just then beginning to be the fashion.
She was elegantly dressed; she wore a muslin dress with lots of frills, an Indian shawl with gold and silk flowers embroidered in the corners, a straw hat, a single bracelet, and a heavy gold chain that was just starting to become trendy.
She returned to her carriage and drove away. One of the shopmen stood at the door looking after his elegant customer’s carriage. I went up to him and asked him what was the lady’s name.
She got back into her carriage and drove off. One of the salespeople stood at the door, watching his stylish customer’s carriage. I walked up to him and asked what her name was.
“Mademoiselle Marguerite Gautier,” he replied. I dared not ask him for her address, and went on my way.
“Mademoiselle Marguerite Gautier,” he replied. I didn’t dare ask him for her address and continued on my way.
The recollection of this vision, for it was really a vision, would not leave my mind like so many visions I had seen, and I looked everywhere for this royally beautiful woman in white.
The memory of this vision, because it truly was a vision, stuck in my mind unlike so many others I had experienced, and I searched everywhere for this stunning woman in white.
A few days later there was a great performance at the Opera Comique. The first person I saw in one of the boxes was Marguerite Gautier.
A few days later, there was an amazing show at the Opera Comique. The first person I noticed in one of the boxes was Marguerite Gautier.
The young man whom I was with recognised her immediately, for he said to me, mentioning her name: “Look at that pretty girl.”
The young man I was with recognized her right away, because he said to me, mentioning her name: “Look at that pretty girl.”
At that moment Marguerite turned her opera-glass in our direction and, seeing my friend, smiled and beckoned to him to come to her.
At that moment, Marguerite pointed her opera glasses toward us and, spotting my friend, smiled and waved him over.
“I will go and say ‘How do you do?’ to her,” he said, “and will be back in a moment.”
“I'll go and say ‘How do you do?’ to her,” he said, “and I'll be back in a moment.”
“I could not help saying ‘Happy man!’”
“I couldn't help saying, ‘Happy man!’”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“To go and see that woman.”
“To go and see that woman.”
“Are you in love with her?”
"Do you love her?"
“No,” I said, flushing, for I really did not know what to say; “but I should very much like to know her.”
“No,” I said, blushing, because I honestly didn’t know what to say; “but I would really like to get to know her.”
“Come with me. I will introduce you.”
"Come with me. I'll introduce you."
“Ask her if you may.”
“Ask her if you can.”
“Really, there is no need to be particular with her; come.”
“Honestly, there’s no need to be picky with her; come on.”
What he said troubled me. I feared to discover that Marguerite was not worthy of the sentiment which I felt for her.
What he said bothered me. I was afraid to find out that Marguerite didn't deserve the feelings I had for her.
In a book of Alphonse Karr entitled Am Rauchen, there is a man who one evening follows a very elegant woman, with whom he had fallen in love with at first sight on account of her beauty. Only to kiss her hand he felt that he had the strength to undertake anything, the will to conquer anything, the courage to achieve anything. He scarcely dares glance at the trim ankle which she shows as she holds her dress out of the mud. While he is dreaming of all that he would do to possess this woman, she stops at the corner of the street and asks if he will come home with her. He turns his head, crosses the street, and goes sadly back to his own house.
In a book by Alphonse Karr called Am Rauchen, there’s a man who one evening follows a very elegant woman he fell in love with at first sight because of her beauty. Just kissing her hand makes him feel he has the strength to take on anything, the will to conquer anything, and the courage to achieve anything. He hardly dares to look at the neat ankle she shows while lifting her dress out of the mud. While he fantasizes about everything he would do to win her over, she stops at the corner of the street and asks if he wants to come home with her. He turns his head, crosses the street, and sadly heads back to his own house.
I recalled the story, and, having longed to suffer for this woman, I was afraid that she would accept me too promptly and give me at once what I fain would have purchased by long waiting or some great sacrifice. We men are built like that, and it is very fortunate that the imagination lends so much poetry to the senses, and that the desires of the body make thus such concession to the dreams of the soul. If anyone had said to me, You shall have this woman to-night and be killed tomorrow, I would have accepted. If anyone had said to me, you can be her lover for ten pounds, I would have refused. I would have cried like a child who sees the castle he has been dreaming about vanish away as he awakens from sleep.
I remembered the story, and, wanting to suffer for this woman, I was worried that she would accept me too quickly and give me right away what I would have preferred to earn through patience or some significant sacrifice. We men are like that, and it’s fortunate that our imaginations add so much beauty to our senses, and that our physical desires often compromise with the dreams of our souls. If someone had told me, "You can have this woman tonight and be killed tomorrow," I would have accepted it. If someone had said to me, "You can be her lover for ten pounds," I would have turned it down. I would have cried like a child who watches the castle he has been dreaming about fade away as he wakes up.
All the same, I wished to know her; it was my only means of making up my mind about her. I therefore said to my friend that I insisted on having her permission to be introduced to her, and I wandered to and fro in the corridors, saying to myself that in a moment’s time she was going to see me, and that I should not know which way to look. I tried (sublime childishness of love!) to string together the words I should say to her.
All the same, I wanted to get to know her; it was my only way of making up my mind about her. So, I told my friend that I wanted her permission to be introduced to her, and I paced the hallways, telling myself that any moment now she would see me, and I wouldn't know where to look. I tried (the pure, innocent foolishness of love!) to come up with the words I would say to her.
A moment after my friend returned. “She is expecting us,” he said.
A moment later, my friend came back. “She’s waiting for us,” he said.
“Is she alone?” I asked.
“Is she by herself?” I asked.
“With another woman.”
"With another woman."
“There are no men?”
"Are there no men?"
“No.”
“Nope.”
“Come, then.”
"Let’s go."
My friend went toward the door of the theatre.
My friend walked over to the theatre door.
“That is not the way,” I said.
“That’s not the way,” I said.
“We must go and get some sweets. She asked me for some.”
"We need to go get some candy. She asked me for some."
We went into a confectioner’s in the passage de l’Opera. I would have bought the whole shop, and I was looking about to see what sweets to choose, when my friend asked for a pound of raisins glaces.
We walked into a candy shop in the passage de l’Opera. I could have bought the entire store, and as I looked around to decide which sweets to get, my friend asked for a pound of candied raisins.
“Do you know if she likes them?”
“Do you know if she likes them?”
“She eats no other kind of sweets; everybody knows it.
“She doesn't eat any other kind of sweets; everyone knows it.
“Ah,” he went on when we had left the shop, “do you know what kind of woman it is that I am going to introduce you to? Don’t imagine it is a duchess. It is simply a kept woman, very much kept, my dear fellow; don’t be shy, say anything that comes into your head.”
“Ah,” he continued after we left the shop, “do you have any idea what kind of woman I’m going to introduce you to? Don’t think it’s a duchess. She’s just a woman who’s very much taken care of, my dear friend; don’t be shy, say whatever comes to your mind.”
“Yes, yes,” I stammered, and I followed him, saying to myself that I should soon cure myself of my passion.
“Yes, yes,” I stammered, and I followed him, telling myself that I would soon get over my feelings.
When I entered the box Marguerite was in fits of laughter. I would rather that she had been sad. My friend introduced me; Marguerite gave me a little nod, and said, “And my sweets?”
When I walked into the room, Marguerite was laughing uncontrollably. I would have preferred if she had been upset. My friend introduced me; Marguerite gave me a slight nod and said, “And where are my sweets?”
“Here they are.”
"Here they are."
She looked at me as she took them. I dropped my eyes and blushed.
She looked at me as she took them. I lowered my gaze and felt my face flush.
She leaned across to her neighbour and said something in her ear, at which both laughed. Evidently I was the cause of their mirth, and my embarrassment increased. At that time I had as mistress a very affectionate and sentimental little person, whose sentiment and whose melancholy letters amused me greatly. I realized the pain I must have given her by what I now experienced, and for five minutes I loved her as no woman was ever loved.
She leaned over to her neighbor and whispered something in her ear, causing them both to laugh. Clearly, I was the reason for their amusement, and my embarrassment grew. At that time, I was involved with a very affectionate and sentimental girl, whose feelings and melancholy letters entertained me a lot. I understood the pain I must have caused her by what I was now experiencing, and for five minutes, I loved her like no one has ever loved a woman.
Marguerite ate her raisins glaces without taking any more notice of me. The friend who had introduced me did not wish to let me remain in so ridiculous a position.
Marguerite ate her candied raisins without paying any more attention to me. The friend who introduced me didn't want me to stay in such a ridiculous situation.
“Marguerite,” he said, “you must not be surprised if M. Duval says nothing: you overwhelm him to such a degree that he can not find a word to say.”
“Marguerite,” he said, “don’t be surprised if M. Duval doesn’t say anything: you’re overwhelming him to the point where he can’t find the words.”
“I should say, on the contrary, that he has only come with you because it would have bored you to come here by yourself.”
“I have to say, on the flip side, that he’s only come with you because it would have been boring for you to come here alone.”
“If that were true,” I said, “I should not have begged Ernest to ask your permission to introduce me.”
“If that were true,” I said, “I wouldn’t have asked Ernest to get your permission to introduce me.”
“Perhaps that was only in order to put off the fatal moment.”
“Maybe that was just to delay the inevitable moment.”
However little one may have known women like Marguerite, one can not but know the delight they take in pretending to be witty and in teasing the people whom they meet for the first time. It is no doubt a return for the humiliations which they often have to submit to on the part of those whom they see every day.
However little someone may have known women like Marguerite, one cannot help but recognize the enjoyment they get from pretending to be witty and playfully teasing people they meet for the first time. It surely serves as a way to cope with the humiliations they often endure from those they see every day.
To answer them properly, one requires a certain knack, and I had not had the opportunity of acquiring it; besides, the idea that I had formed of Marguerite accentuated the effects of her mockery. Nothing that came from her was indifferent to me. I rose to my feet, saying in an altered voice, which I could not entirely control:
To answer them properly, you need a certain skill, and I hadn’t had the chance to develop it; plus, the image I had of Marguerite intensified how much her teasing affected me. Nothing she said was neutral to me. I got up, speaking in a voice that was shaky and hard to control:
“If that is what you think of me, madame, I have only to ask your pardon for my indiscretion, and to take leave of you with the assurance that it shall not occur again.”
“If that’s how you see me, ma'am, I can only apologize for my mistake and say goodbye with the promise it won’t happen again.”
Thereupon I bowed and quitted the box. I had scarcely closed the door when I heard a third peal of laughter. It would not have been well for anybody who had elbowed me at that moment.
Thereupon I bowed and left the box. I had barely closed the door when I heard a third burst of laughter. It wouldn’t have been good for anyone who had jostled me at that moment.
I returned to my seat. The signal for raising the curtain was given. Ernest came back to his place beside me.
I went back to my seat. The cue for raising the curtain was given. Ernest returned to his spot next to me.
“What a way you behaved!” he said, as he sat down. “They will think you are mad.”
“What a way you acted!” he said as he sat down. “They will think you’re crazy.”
“What did Marguerite say after I had gone?”
“What did Marguerite say after I left?”
“She laughed, and said she had never seen anyone so funny. But don’t look upon it as a lost chance; only do not do these women the honour of taking them seriously. They do not know what politeness and ceremony are. It is as if you were to offer perfumes to dogs—they would think it smelled bad, and go and roll in the gutter.”
“She laughed and said she had never seen anyone so funny. But don’t see it as a missed opportunity; just don’t give these women the honor of taking them seriously. They don’t understand what politeness and formalities are. It’s like offering perfume to dogs—they would think it smells terrible and go roll in the gutter.”
“After all, what does it matter to me?” I said, affecting to speak in a nonchalant way. “I shall never see this woman again, and if I liked her before meeting her, it is quite different now that I know her.”
“After all, what does it matter to me?” I said, trying to sound casual. “I’ll never see this woman again, and if I liked her before meeting her, it feels totally different now that I know her.”
“Bah! I don’t despair of seeing you one day at the back of her box, and of hearing that you are ruining yourself for her. However, you are right, she hasn’t been well brought up; but she would be a charming mistress to have.”
"Bah! I’m not losing hope that I’ll see you one day at the back of her box, and that I’ll hear you’re ruining yourself for her. Still, you’re right, she hasn’t been raised properly; but she would make a delightful mistress."
Happily, the curtain rose and my friend was silent. I could not possibly tell you what they were acting. All that I remember is that from time to time I raised my eyes to the box I had quitted so abruptly, and that the faces of fresh visitors succeeded one another all the time.
Happily, the curtain went up and my friend was quiet. I couldn’t really tell you what they were performing. All I remember is that now and then I looked up at the box I had left so suddenly, and the faces of new visitors kept coming one after another.
I was far from having given up thinking about Marguerite. Another feeling had taken possession of me. It seemed to me that I had her insult and my absurdity to wipe out; I said to myself that if I spent every penny I had, I would win her and win my right to the place I had abandoned so quickly.
I was nowhere near done thinking about Marguerite. Another feeling had taken hold of me. It felt like I needed to make up for her insult and my own foolishness; I told myself that if I spent every last cent I had, I could win her back and reclaim the place I had given up on so quickly.
Before the performance was over Marguerite and her friend left the box. I rose from my seat.
Before the performance ended, Marguerite and her friend left the box. I got up from my seat.
“Are you going?” said Ernest.
"Are you going?" Ernest asked.
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
At that moment he saw that the box was empty.
At that moment, he realized that the box was empty.
“Go, go,” he said, “and good luck, or rather better luck.”
“Go, go,” he said, “and good luck, or better luck, really.”
I went out.
I went outside.
I heard the rustle of dresses, the sound of voices, on the staircase. I stood aside, and, without being seen, saw the two women pass me, accompanied by two young men. At the entrance to the theatre they were met by a footman.
I heard the rustling of dresses and voices coming from the staircase. I stepped aside and, without being noticed, watched as two women walked past me, accompanied by two young men. At the entrance to the theater, a footman greeted them.
“Tell the coachman to wait at the door of the Café Anglais,” said Marguerite. “We will walk there.”
“Tell the driver to wait at the entrance of the Café Anglais,” said Marguerite. “We’ll walk there.”
A few minutes afterward I saw Marguerite from the street at a window of one of the large rooms of the restaurant, pulling the camellias of her bouquet to pieces, one by one. One of the two men was leaning over her shoulder and whispering in her ear. I took up my position at the Maison-d’or, in one of the first-floor rooms, and did not lose sight of the window for an instant. At one in the morning Marguerite got into her carriage with her three friends. I took a cab and followed them. The carriage stopped at No. 9, Rue d’Antin. Marguerite got out and went in alone. It was no doubt a mere chance, but the chance filled me with delight.
A few minutes later, I saw Marguerite from the street at a window in one of the big rooms of the restaurant, tearing apart the camellias from her bouquet, one by one. One of the two guys was leaning over her shoulder and whispering in her ear. I positioned myself at the Maison-d’or, in one of the first-floor rooms, and kept my eyes on the window the whole time. At one in the morning, Marguerite got into her carriage with her three friends. I took a cab and followed them. The carriage stopped at No. 9, Rue d’Antin. Marguerite got out and went in by herself. It was probably just a coincidence, but that coincidence thrilled me.
From that time forward, I often met Marguerite at the theatre or in the Champs-Elysées. Always there was the same gaiety in her, the same emotion in me.
From that point on, I frequently ran into Marguerite at the theater or on the Champs-Elysées. There was always the same joy in her, and I felt the same excitement.
At last a fortnight passed without my meeting her. I met Gaston and asked after her.
At last, two weeks went by without seeing her. I ran into Gaston and asked about her.
“Poor girl, she is very ill,” he answered.
"Poor girl, she's really sick," he replied.
“What is the matter?”
"What's the matter?"
“She is consumptive, and the sort of life she leads isn’t exactly the thing to cure her. She has taken to her bed; she is dying.”
“She has a serious illness, and the way she’s living isn’t really helping her get better. She’s stayed in bed; she’s fading fast.”
The heart is a strange thing; I was almost glad at hearing it.
The heart is a strange thing; I was almost happy to hear it.
Every day I went to ask after her, without leaving my name or my card. I heard she was convalescent and had gone to Bagnères.
Every day I would check on her, without leaving my name or my card. I heard she was recovering and had gone to Bagnères.
Time went by, the impression, if not the memory, faded gradually from my mind. I travelled; love affairs, habits, work, took the place of other thoughts, and when I recalled this adventure I looked upon it as one of those passions which one has when one is very young, and laughs at soon afterward.
Time passed, and the impression, if not the memory, slowly faded from my mind. I traveled; love affairs, routines, and work took the spot of other thoughts, and when I thought back on this adventure, I viewed it as one of those infatuations that happen when you're very young and that you soon laugh about.
For the rest, it was no credit to me to have got the better of this recollection, for I had completely lost sight of Marguerite, and, as I told you, when she passed me in the corridor of the Variétés, I did not recognise her. She was veiled, it is true; but, veiled though she might have been two years earlier, I should not have needed to see her in order to recognise her: I should have known her intuitively. All the same, my heart began to beat when I knew that it was she; and the two years that had passed since I saw her, and what had seemed to be the results of that separation, vanished in smoke at the mere touch of her dress.
For me, it wasn't a big achievement to overcome this memory since I had completely lost track of Marguerite, and, as I mentioned, when she walked past me in the corridor of the Variétés, I didn't recognize her. She was wearing a veil, it's true; but even if she had been veiled two years earlier, I would have recognized her without needing to see her: I would have known her instinctively. Still, my heart started to race when I realized it was her; and the two years that had passed since I last saw her, along with what had seemed to be the effects of that separation, faded away at the mere brush of her dress.
Chapter VIII
However (continued Armand after a pause), while I knew myself to be still in love with her, I felt more sure of myself, and part of my desire to speak to Marguerite again was a wish to make her see that I was stronger than she.
However (continued Armand after a pause), while I knew I was still in love with her, I felt more confident in myself, and part of my desire to talk to Marguerite again was a wish to show her that I was stronger than she was.
How many ways does the heart take, how many reasons does it invent for itself, in order to arrive at what it wants!
How many paths does the heart take, how many reasons does it come up with for itself, to get to what it desires!
I could not remain in the corridor, and I returned to my place in the stalls, looking hastily around to see what box she was in. She was in a ground-floor box, quite alone. She had changed, as I have told you, and no longer wore an indifferent smile on her lips. She had suffered; she was still suffering. Though it was April, she was still wearing a winter costume, all wrapped up in furs.
I couldn't stay in the hallway, so I went back to my seat in the stalls, quickly scanning to find out which box she was in. She was in a ground-floor box, completely alone. She had changed, as I mentioned before, and no longer had that indifferent smile on her face. She had been through a lot; she was still hurting. Even though it was April, she was still in a winter outfit, bundled up in furs.
I gazed at her so fixedly that my eyes attracted hers. She looked at me for a few seconds, put up her opera-glass to see me better, and seemed to think she recognised me, without being quite sure who I was, for when she put down her glasses, a smile, that charming, feminine salutation, flitted across her lips, as if to answer the bow which she seemed to expect; but I did not respond, so as to have an advantage over her, as if I had forgotten, while she remembered. Supposing herself mistaken, she looked away.
I stared at her so intensely that my gaze caught her attention. She looked at me for a few seconds, raised her opera glasses to get a better view, and appeared to think she recognized me, though she wasn't completely sure who I was. When she lowered her glasses, a smile—a charming, feminine greeting—crossed her lips, as if responding to the bow she seemed to expect. However, I didn't respond, wanting to maintain an edge over her, as if I had forgotten while she remembered. Assuming she was mistaken, she turned her gaze away.
The curtain went up. I have often seen Marguerite at the theatre. I never saw her pay the slightest attention to what was being acted. As for me, the performance interested me equally little, and I paid no attention to anything but her, though doing my utmost to keep her from noticing it.
The curtain rose. I’ve often seen Marguerite at the theater. I never saw her pay the slightest attention to what was happening on stage. As for me, I was just as uninterested in the performance, and I focused only on her, trying my best to ensure she didn’t notice.
Presently I saw her glancing across at the person who was in the opposite box; on looking, I saw a woman with whom I was quite familiar. She had once been a kept woman, and had tried to go on the stage, had failed, and, relying on her acquaintance with fashionable people in Paris, had gone into business and taken a milliner’s shop. I saw in her a means of meeting with Marguerite, and profited by a moment in which she looked my way to wave my hand to her. As I expected, she beckoned to me to come to her box.
Right now, I noticed her glancing over at the person in the opposite box; when I looked, I recognized a woman I was quite familiar with. She had once been someone's mistress and had tried to make it on the stage but failed. Relying on her connections with fashionable people in Paris, she opened her own millinery shop. I saw her as a way to connect with Marguerite, and I took advantage of a moment when she looked my way to wave at her. Just as I expected, she gestured for me to come to her box.
Prudence Duvernoy (that was the milliner’s auspicious name) was one of those fat women of forty with whom one requires very little diplomacy to make them understand what one wants to know, especially when what one wants to know is as simple as what I had to ask of her.
Prudence Duvernoy (that was the milliner’s fortunate name) was one of those plump women in her forties who needs very little finesse to grasp what someone wants to know, particularly when the question is as straightforward as the one I had for her.
I took advantage of a moment when she was smiling across at Marguerite to ask her, “Whom are you looking at?”
I took advantage of a moment when she was smiling over at Marguerite to ask her, “Who are you looking at?”
“Marguerite Gautier.”
“Marguerite Gautier.”
“You know her?”
"Do you know her?"
“Yes, I am her milliner, and she is a neighbour of mine.”
“Yes, I am her hat maker, and she is my neighbor.”
“Do you live in the Rue d’Antin?”
“Do you live on Rue d’Antin?”
“No. 7. The window of her dressing-room looks on to the window of mine.”
“No. 7. The window of her dressing room faces my window.”
“They say she is a charming girl.”
"They say she's a charming girl."
“Don’t you know her?”
"Don’t you know her?"
“No, but I should like to.”
“No, but I would like to.”
“Shall I ask her to come over to our box?”
“Should I ask her to come over to our section?”
“No, I would rather for you to introduce me to her.”
"No, I would prefer you to introduce me to her."
“At her own house?”
"At her place?"
“Yes.
"Yes."
“That is more difficult.”
"That's harder."
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because she is under the protection of a jealous old duke.”
“Because she is being protected by a jealous old duke.”
“‘Protection’ is charming.”
“‘Protection’ is appealing.”
“Yes, protection,” replied Prudence. “Poor old man, he would be greatly embarrassed to offer her anything else.”
“Yeah, protection,” Prudence responded. “The poor old man would be really embarrassed to offer her anything else.”
Prudence then told me how Marguerite had made the acquaintance of the duke at Bagnères.
Prudence then told me how Marguerite had met the duke in Bagnères.
“That, then,” I continued, “is why she is alone here?”
"Is that why she’s alone here?” I continued.
“Precisely.”
"Exactly."
“But who will see her home?”
“But who will see her home?”
“He will.”
"He will."
“He will come for her?”
"Is he coming for her?"
“In a moment.”
“Just a sec.”
“And you, who is seeing you home?”
“And you, who’s taking you home?”
“No one.”
"Nobody."
“May I offer myself?”
“Can I help myself?”
“But you are with a friend, are you not?”
“But you’re with a friend, right?”
“May we offer, then?”
"Can we help you?"
“Who is your friend?”
"Who's your friend?"
“A charming fellow, very amusing. He will be delighted to make your acquaintance.”
“A charming guy, really funny. He'll be thrilled to meet you.”
“Well, all right; we will go after this piece is over, for I know the last piece.”
“Well, okay; we’ll go after this piece is done, because I know the last piece.”
“With pleasure; I will go and tell my friend.”
"Sure, I'll go tell my friend."
“Go, then. Ah,” added Prudence, as I was going, “there is the duke just coming into Marguerite’s box.”
“Go ahead. Ah,” added Prudence as I was leaving, “there’s the duke just entering Marguerite’s box.”
I looked at him. A man of about seventy had sat down behind her, and was giving her a bag of sweets, into which she dipped at once, smiling. Then she held it out toward Prudence, with a gesture which seemed to say, “Will you have some?”
I looked at him. A man of about seventy had taken a seat behind her and was handing her a bag of candy, which she eagerly reached into, smiling. Then she offered it to Prudence with a gesture that seemed to say, “Do you want some?”
“No,” signalled Prudence.
“No,” signaled Prudence.
Marguerite drew back the bag, and, turning, began to talk with the duke.
Marguerite pulled the bag back and turned to start talking with the duke.
It may sound childish to tell you all these details, but everything relating to Marguerite is so fresh in my memory that I can not help recalling them now.
It might seem a bit childish to share all these details, but everything about Marguerite is so vivid in my memory that I can't help but think of them now.
I went back to Gaston and told him of the arrangement I had made for him and for me. He agreed, and we left our stalls to go round to Mme. Duvernoy’s box. We had scarcely opened the door leading into the stalls when we had to stand aside to allow Marguerite and the duke to pass. I would have given ten years of my life to have been in the old man’s place.
I went back to Gaston and told him about the plan I had made for both of us. He agreed, and we left our stalls to head over to Mme. Duvernoy’s box. We had barely opened the door to the stalls when we had to step aside to let Marguerite and the duke go by. I would have given ten years of my life to be in the old man’s position.
When they were on the street he handed her into a phaeton, which he drove himself, and they were whirled away by two superb horses.
When they got to the street, he helped her into a phaeton, which he drove himself, and they were quickly swept away by two stunning horses.
We returned to Prudence’s box, and when the play was over we took a cab and drove to 7, Rue d’Antin. At the door, Prudence asked us to come up and see her showrooms, which we had never seen, and of which she seemed very proud. You can imagine how eagerly I accepted. It seemed to me as if I was coming nearer and nearer to Marguerite. I soon turned the conversation in her direction.
We went back to Prudence’s place, and when the play ended, we took a cab to 7, Rue d’Antin. At the door, Prudence invited us up to check out her showrooms, which we had never seen before, and she seemed really proud of them. You can imagine how excited I was to accept. It felt like I was getting closer and closer to Marguerite. I quickly steered the conversation toward her.
“The old duke is at your neighbour’s,” I said to Prudence.
“The old duke is at your neighbor’s,” I said to Prudence.
“Oh, no; she is probably alone.”
“Oh, no; she’s probably by herself.”
“But she must be dreadfully bored,” said Gaston.
“But she must be really bored,” said Gaston.
“We spend most of our evening together, or she calls to me when she comes in. She never goes to bed before two in the morning. She can’t sleep before that.”
“We spend most of our evening together, or she calls out to me when she comes in. She never goes to bed before 2 AM. She can't sleep before that.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because she suffers in the chest, and is almost always feverish.”
"Because she feels pain in her chest and is almost always running a fever."
“Hasn’t she any lovers?” I asked.
“Doesn’t she have any lovers?” I asked.
“I never see anyone remain after I leave; I don’t say no one ever comes when I am gone. Often in the evening I meet there a certain Comte de N., who thinks he is making some headway by calling on her at eleven in the evening, and by sending her jewels to any extent; but she can’t stand him. She makes a mistake; he is very rich. It is in vain that I say to her from time to time, ‘My dear child, there’s the man for you.’ She, who generally listens to me, turns her back and replies that he is too stupid. Stupid, indeed, he is; but it would be a position for her, while this old duke might die any day. Old men are egoists; his family are always reproaching him for his affection for Marguerite; there are two reasons why he is likely to leave her nothing. I give her good advice, and she only says it will be plenty of time to take on the count when the duke is dead. It isn’t all fun,” continued Prudence, “to live like that. I know very well it wouldn’t suit me, and I should soon send the old man about his business. He is so dull; he calls her his daughter; looks after her like a child; and is always in the way. I am sure at this very moment one of his servants is prowling about in the street to see who comes out, and especially who goes in.”
“I never see anyone stick around after I leave; I’m not saying no one ever shows up when I’m gone. Often in the evening, I run into a certain Count de N. who thinks he’s making progress by visiting her at eleven at night and sending her as many jewels as he wants; but she can’t stand him. She’s making a mistake; he’s very wealthy. It’s pointless for me to tell her from time to time, ‘My dear, he’s the guy for you.’ She, who usually listens to me, turns away and says he’s too dumb. And he is dumb; but he would be a good catch for her, while this old duke could pass away at any moment. Older men are selfish; his family is always criticizing him for his affection for Marguerite; there are two reasons he might not leave her anything. I give her solid advice, and she just says there’ll be plenty of time to consider the count after the duke is gone. It’s not all fun,” Prudence continued, “to live like that. I know it wouldn’t suit me, and I’d quickly send the old man packing. He’s so boring; he calls her his daughter; takes care of her like a child; and is always in the way. I’m sure right now one of his servants is lurking around outside to see who’s coming out, and especially who’s going in.”
“Ah, poor Marguerite!” said Gaston, sitting down to the piano and playing a waltz. “I hadn’t a notion of it, but I did notice she hasn’t been looking so gay lately.”
“Ah, poor Marguerite!” said Gaston, sitting down at the piano and playing a waltz. “I didn’t realize it, but I did notice she hasn’t seemed so cheerful lately.”
“Hush,” said Prudence, listening. Gaston stopped.
“Hush,” Prudence said, listening. Gaston paused.
“She is calling me, I think.”
"I think she’s calling me."
We listened. A voice was calling, “Prudence!”
We listened. A voice was calling, “Prudence!”
“Come, now, you must go,” said Mme. Duvernoy.
“Come on, you have to go now,” said Mme. Duvernoy.
“Ah, that is your idea of hospitality,” said Gaston, laughing; “we won’t go till we please.”
“Ah, that’s your idea of hospitality,” said Gaston, laughing; “we won't leave until we want to.”
“Why should we go?”
“Why should we go?”
“I am going over to Marguerite’s.”
"I'm heading over to Marguerite's."
“We will wait here.”
“We'll wait here.”
“You can’t.”
"You can't."
“Then we will go with you.”
"Then we’ll go with you."
“That still less.”
"That's even less."
“I know Marguerite,” said Gaston; “I can very well pay her a call.”
"I know Marguerite," Gaston said; "I can definitely pay her a visit."
“But Armand doesn’t know her.”
“But Armand doesn't know her.”
“I will introduce him.”
“I'll introduce him.”
“Impossible.”
"Not possible."
We again heard Marguerite’s voice calling to Prudence, who rushed to her dressing-room window. I followed with Gaston as she opened the window. We hid ourselves so as not to be seen from outside.
We heard Marguerite’s voice calling for Prudence again, who hurried to her dressing-room window. I followed with Gaston as she opened the window. We hid ourselves so we wouldn’t be seen from outside.
“I have been calling you for ten minutes,” said Marguerite from her window, in almost an imperious tone of voice.
“I’ve been calling you for ten minutes,” Marguerite said from her window, sounding almost commanding.
“What do you want?”
"What do you need?"
“I want you to come over at once.”
“I want you to come over right now.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because the Comte de N. is still here, and he is boring me to death.”
“Because the Count de N. is still here, and he’s boring me to death.”
“I can’t now.”
“I can’t right now.”
“What is hindering you?”
"What's holding you back?"
“There are two young fellows here who won’t go.”
“There are two young guys here who won’t leave.”
“Tell them that you must go out.”
“Tell them that you need to go out.”
“I have told them.”
"I've told them."
“Well, then, leave them in the house. They will soon go when they see you have gone.”
“Well, just leave them in the house. They'll leave soon enough when they realize you've gone.”
“They will turn everything upside down.”
“They will turn everything upside down.”
“But what do they want?”
"But what do they need?"
“They want to see you.”
“They want to meet you.”
“What are they called?”
“What are they named?”
“You know one, M. Gaston R.”
“You know one, Mr. Gaston R.”
“Ah, yes, I know him. And the other?”
“Ah, yes, I know him. What about the other?”
“M. Armand Duval; and you don’t know him.”
“M. Armand Duval; and you don’t recognize him.”
“No, but bring them along. Anything is better than the count. I expect you. Come at once.”
“No, but bring them with you. Anything is better than dealing with the count. I’m waiting for you. Come right away.”
Marguerite closed her window and Prudence hers. Marguerite, who had remembered my face for a moment, did not remember my name. I would rather have been remembered to my disadvantage than thus forgotten.
Marguerite closed her window, and Prudence closed hers. Marguerite, who had recognized my face for a moment, didn’t remember my name. I would have preferred to be remembered for a bad reason than to be forgotten like this.
“I knew,” said Gaston, “that she would be delighted to see us.”
"I knew," Gaston said, "that she'd be thrilled to see us."
“Delighted isn’t the word,” replied Prudence, as she put on her hat and shawl. “She will see you in order to get rid of the count. Try to be more agreeable than he is, or (I know Marguerite) she will put it all down to me.”
“Delighted isn’t the word,” Prudence replied as she put on her hat and shawl. “She’ll see you to get rid of the count. Try to be more charming than he is, or (I know Marguerite) she’ll blame it all on me.”
We followed Prudence downstairs. I trembled; it seemed to me that this visit was to have a great influence on my life. I was still more agitated than on the evening when I was introduced in the box at the Opera Comique. As we reached the door that you know, my heart beat so violently that I was hardly able to think.
We followed Prudence downstairs. I was shaking; it felt like this visit was going to have a huge impact on my life. I was even more nervous than the night I was introduced in the box at the Opera Comique. When we got to the door you know, my heart was pounding so hard that I could barely think.
We heard the sound of a piano. Prudence rang. The piano was silent. A woman who looked more like a companion than a servant opened the door. We went into the drawing-room, and from that to the boudoir, which was then just as you have seen it since. A young man was leaning against the mantel-piece. Marguerite, seated at the piano, let her fingers wander over the notes, beginning scraps of music without finishing them. The whole scene breathed boredom, the man embarrassed by the consciousness of his nullity, the woman tired of her dismal visitor. At the voice of Prudence, Marguerite rose, and coming toward us with a look of gratitude to Mme. Duvernoy, said:
We heard the sound of a piano. Prudence rang. The piano fell silent. A woman who looked more like a companion than a servant opened the door. We walked into the drawing-room and then into the boudoir, which looked just like you've seen it since. A young man was leaning against the mantelpiece. Marguerite, seated at the piano, let her fingers drift over the keys, starting bits of music without finishing them. The whole scene felt monotonous, the man awkwardly aware of his insignificance and the woman weary of her dreary visitor. At Prudence's voice, Marguerite stood up and walked toward us with a grateful look at Mme. Duvernoy and said:
“Come in, and welcome.”
"Come on in, and welcome."
Chapter IX
“Good-evening, my dear Gaston,” said Marguerite to my companion. “I am very glad to see you. Why didn’t you come to see me in my box at the Variétés?”
“Good evening, my dear Gaston,” said Marguerite to my companion. “I’m really glad to see you. Why didn’t you come to visit me in my box at the Variétés?”
“I was afraid it would be indiscreet.”
“I was worried it might be inappropriate.”
“Friends,” and Marguerite lingered over the word, as if to intimate to those who were present that in spite of the familiar way in which she greeted him, Gaston was not and never had been anything more than a friend, “friends are always welcome.”
“Friends,” Marguerite lingered over the word, as if to hint to those present that despite the friendly way she greeted him, Gaston was not, and never had been, anything more than a friend, “friends are always welcome.”
“Then, will you permit me to introduce M. Armand Duval?”
“Then, will you allow me to introduce M. Armand Duval?”
“I had already authorized Prudence to do so.”
“I had already given Prudence the go-ahead to do that.”
“As far as that goes, madame,” I said, bowing, and succeeding in getting more or less intelligible sounds out of my throat, “I have already had the honour of being introduced to you.”
“As far as that goes, ma'am,” I said, bowing and managing to produce some intelligible sounds, “I’ve already had the honor of being introduced to you.”
Marguerite’s beautiful eyes seemed to be looking back in memory, but she could not, or seemed not to, remember.
Marguerite’s beautiful eyes appeared to be gazing back into memories, but she couldn’t, or didn’t seem to, recall them.
“Madame,” I continued, “I am grateful to you for having forgotten the occasion of my first introduction, for I was very absurd and must have seemed to you very tiresome. It was at the Opera Comique, two years ago; I was with Ernest de ——.”
“Madame,” I continued, “I appreciate you forgetting the moment of our first meeting because I was quite ridiculous and must have come across as very annoying. It was at the Opera Comique, two years ago; I was with Ernest de ——.”
“Ah, I remember,” said Marguerite, with a smile. “It was not you who were absurd; it was I who was mischievous, as I still am, but somewhat less. You have forgiven me?”
“Ah, I remember,” said Marguerite, smiling. “It wasn’t you who were ridiculous; it was me who was playful, as I still am, but a bit less so. You've forgiven me?”
And she held out her hand, which I kissed.
And she extended her hand, which I kissed.
“It is true,” she went on; “you know I have the bad habit of trying to embarrass people the first time I meet them. It is very stupid. My doctor says it is because I am nervous and always ill; believe my doctor.”
“It’s true,” she continued; “you know I have this annoying habit of trying to embarrass people the first time I meet them. It’s really silly. My doctor says it’s because I get nervous and am always unwell; you should believe my doctor.”
“But you seem quite well.”
“But you seem really well.”
“Oh! I have been very ill.”
“Oh! I've been feeling really unwell.”
“I know.”
“I got it.”
“Who told you?”
"Who said that?"
“Every one knew it; I often came to inquire after you, and I was happy to hear of your convalescence.”
“Everyone knew it; I often came to check on you, and I was glad to hear about your recovery.”
“They never gave me your card.”
“They never gave me your card.”
“I did not leave it.”
“I didn’t leave it.”
“Was it you, then, who called every day while I was ill, and would never leave your name?”
“Was it you who called every day while I was sick and never told me your name?”
“Yes, it was I.”
“Yeah, it was me.”
“Then you are more than indulgent, you are generous. You, count, wouldn’t have done that,” said she, turning toward M. de N., after giving me one of those looks in which women sum up their opinion of a man.
“Then you’re not just indulgent, you’re generous. You, Count, wouldn’t have done that,” she said, looking at M. de N. after giving me one of those looks where women assess a man.
“I have only known you for two months,” replied the count.
“I’ve only known you for two months,” the count replied.
“And this gentleman only for five minutes. You always say something ridiculous.”
“And this guy only for five minutes. You always say something silly.”
Women are pitiless toward those whom they do not care for. The count reddened and bit his lips.
Women can be ruthless to those they don't care about. The count blushed and bit his lips.
I was sorry for him, for he seemed, like myself, to be in love, and the bitter frankness of Marguerite must have made him very unhappy, especially in the presence of two strangers.
I felt sorry for him because, like me, he appeared to be in love, and Marguerite's harsh honesty must have made him really unhappy, especially with two strangers around.
“You were playing the piano when we came in,” I said, in order to change the conversation. “Won’t you be so good as to treat me as an old acquaintance and go on?”
“You were playing the piano when we walked in,” I said, trying to steer the conversation. “Could you do me a favor and treat me like an old friend and keep playing?”
“Oh,” said she, flinging herself on the sofa and motioning to us to sit down, “Gaston knows what my music is like. It is all very well when I am alone with the count, but I won’t inflict such a punishment on you.”
“Oh,” she said, throwing herself onto the sofa and gesturing for us to sit down, “Gaston knows what my music is like. It’s fine when I'm alone with the count, but I won’t put you through that.”
“You show me that preference?” said M. de N., with a smile which he tried to render delicately ironical.
“You showing me that preference?” said M. de N., with a smile that he tried to make lightly sarcastic.
“Don’t reproach me for it. It is the only one.” It was fated that the poor man was not to say a single word. He cast a really supplicating glance at Marguerite.
“Don’t blame me for it. It’s the only one.” It was destined that the poor man wouldn’t say a word. He gave a truly pleading look to Marguerite.
“Well, Prudence,” she went on, “have you done what I asked you to do?”
“Well, Prudence,” she continued, “did you do what I asked you to do?”
“Yes.
"Yeah."
“All right. You will tell me about it later. We must talk over it; don’t go before I can speak with you.”
“All right. You’ll tell me about it later. We need to discuss it; don’t leave before I can talk to you.”
“We are doubtless intruders,” I said, “and now that we, or rather I, have had a second introduction, to blot out the first, it is time for Gaston and me to be going.”
“We're definitely intruders,” I said, “and now that we, or I should say I, have had a second introduction to erase the first, it's time for Gaston and me to leave.”
“Not in the least. I didn’t mean that for you. I want you to stay.”
“Not at all. I didn’t mean that for you. I want you to stay.”
The count took a very elegant watch out of his pocket and looked at the time. “I must be going to my club,” he said. Marguerite did not answer. The count thereupon left his position by the fireplace and going up to her, said: “Adieu, madame.”
The count pulled a stylish watch out of his pocket and checked the time. “I need to head to my club,” he said. Marguerite didn’t respond. The count then moved away from the fireplace and approached her, saying, “Goodbye, madame.”
Marguerite rose. “Adieu, my dear count. Are you going already?”
Marguerite stood up. “Goodbye, my dear count. Are you leaving already?”
“Yes, I fear I am boring you.”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m boring you.”
“You are not boring me to-day more than any other day. When shall I be seeing you?”
“You're not boring me today any more than usual. When will I see you?”
“When you permit me.”
"When you allow me."
“Good-bye, then.”
“Goodbye, then.”
It was cruel, you will admit. Fortunately, the count had excellent manners and was very good-tempered. He merely kissed Marguerite’s hand, which she held out to him carelessly enough, and, bowing to us, went out.
It was harsh, you'll agree. Luckily, the count had great manners and was very easygoing. He simply kissed Marguerite’s hand, which she offered to him rather nonchalantly, and, bowing to us, left.
As he crossed the threshold, he cast a glance at Prudence. She shrugged her shoulders, as much as to say:
As he stepped through the door, he looked at Prudence. She shrugged her shoulders, as if to say:
“What do you expect? I have done all I could.”
“What do you expect? I’ve done everything I can.”
“Nanine!” cried Marguerite. “Light M. le Comte to the door.”
“Nanine!” shouted Marguerite. “Show M. le Comte to the door.”
We heard the door open and shut.
We heard the door open and close.
“At last,” cried Marguerite, coming back, “he has gone! That man gets frightfully on my nerves!”
“At last,” Marguerite exclaimed as she returned, “he's finally gone! That guy really gets on my nerves!”
“My dear child,” said Prudence, “you really treat him too badly, and he is so good and kind to you. Look at this watch on the mantel-piece, that he gave you: it must have cost him at least three thousand francs, I am sure.”
“My dear child,” said Prudence, “you’re really treating him too badly, and he is so good and kind to you. Look at this watch on the mantelpiece that he gave you: it must have cost him at least three thousand francs, I’m sure.”
And Mme. Duvernoy began to turn it over, as it lay on the mantel-piece, looking at it with covetous eyes.
And Mrs. Duvernoy started to pick it up from the mantel, eyeing it with desire.
“My dear,” said Marguerite, sitting down to the piano, “when I put on one side what he gives me and on the other what he says to me, it seems to me that he buys his visits very cheap.”
"My dear," said Marguerite, sitting down at the piano, "when I compare what he gives me with what he says to me, it feels like he gets his visits for a bargain."
“The poor fellow is in love with you.”
“The poor guy is in love with you.”
“If I had to listen to everybody who was in love with me, I shouldn’t have time for my dinner.”
“If I had to listen to everyone who was in love with me, I wouldn't have time for my dinner.”
And she began to run her fingers over the piano, and then, turning to us, she said:
And she started to run her fingers across the piano, and then, turning to us, she said:
“What will you take? I think I should like a little punch.”
“What do you want to drink? I think I’d like a little punch.”
“And I could eat a little chicken,” said Prudence. “Suppose we have supper?”
“And I could go for some chicken,” said Prudence. “How about we have dinner?”
“That’s it, let’s go and have supper,” said Gaston.
"That’s it, let’s go have dinner," said Gaston.
“No, we will have supper here.”
“No, we’ll eat dinner here.”
She rang, and Nanine appeared.
She called, and Nanine appeared.
“Send for some supper.”
"Order some dinner."
“What must I get?”
“What should I get?”
“Whatever you like, but at once, at once.”
“Do whatever you want, but do it right now, right now.”
Nanine went out.
Nanine went out.
“That’s it,” said Marguerite, jumping like a child, “we’ll have supper. How tiresome that idiot of a count is!”
"That's it," said Marguerite, jumping like a child, "we'll have dinner. How annoying that idiot of a count is!"
The more I saw her, the more she enchanted me. She was exquisitely beautiful. Her slenderness was a charm. I was lost in contemplation.
The more I saw her, the more she captivated me. She was stunningly beautiful. Her slim figure was enchanting. I was lost in thought.
What was passing in my mind I should have some difficulty in explaining. I was full of indulgence for her life, full of admiration for her beauty. The proof of disinterestedness that she gave in not accepting a rich and fashionable young man, ready to waste all his money upon her, excused her in my eyes for all her faults in the past.
What was going through my mind is hard to explain. I felt a lot of compassion for her life and a deep admiration for her beauty. The fact that she turned down a wealthy, stylish young man who was eager to spend all his money on her made me overlook all her past flaws.
There was a kind of candour in this woman. You could see she was still in the virginity of vice. Her firm walk, her supple figure, her rosy, open nostrils, her large eyes, slightly tinged with blue, indicated one of those ardent natures which shed around them a sort of voluptuous perfume, like Eastern vials, which, close them as tightly as you will, still let some of their perfume escape. Finally, whether it was simple nature or a breath of fever, there passed from time to time in the eyes of this woman a glimmer of desire, giving promise of a very heaven for one whom she should love. But those who had loved Marguerite were not to be counted, nor those whom she had loved.
There was a certain openness about this woman. You could tell she was still untouched by the darker side of life. Her confident stride, graceful figure, rosy, flaring nostrils, and large, slightly blue-tinted eyes suggested one of those passionate personalities that exude a kind of alluring charm, like exotic perfumes that, no matter how tightly you seal them, still manage to escape a little. And sometimes, whether it was just her natural essence or a hint of yearning, there was a flicker of desire in her eyes that promised pure bliss for whoever she might fall in love with. But those who had loved Marguerite were not a small number, nor were those whom she had loved.
In this girl there was at once the virgin whom a mere nothing had turned into a courtesan, and the courtesan whom a mere nothing would have turned into the most loving and the purest of virgins. Marguerite had still pride and independence, two sentiments which, if they are wounded, can be the equivalent of a sense of shame. I did not speak a word; my soul seemed to have passed into my heart and my heart into my eyes.
In this girl, there was both the virgin who had been turned into a courtesan by the slightest thing, and the courtesan who could have become the most loving and pure virgin with just a small change. Marguerite still held onto her pride and independence, two feelings that, when hurt, can feel just like shame. I didn’t say a word; it felt like my soul had moved into my heart and my heart into my eyes.
“So,” said she all at once, “it was you who came to inquire after me when I was ill?”
“So,” she said suddenly, “it was you who came to check on me when I was sick?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“Do you know, it was quite splendid of you! How can I thank you for it?”
“Do you know, that was really wonderful of you! How can I thank you for it?”
“By allowing me to come and see you from time to time.”
“By letting me visit you every now and then.”
“As often as you like, from five to six, and from eleven to twelve. Now, Gaston, play the Invitation à la Valse.”
“As often as you want, from five to six, and from eleven to twelve. Now, Gaston, play the Invitation à la Valse.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“To please me, first of all, and then because I never can manage to play it myself.”
“To make me happy, first of all, and then because I can never seem to play it myself.”
“What part do you find difficult?”
“What part do you struggle with?”
“The third part, the part in sharps.”
“The third part, the section in sharps.”
Gaston rose and went to the piano, and began to play the wonderful melody of Weber, the music of which stood open before him.
Gaston got up and walked over to the piano, then started playing the beautiful melody by Weber, the sheet music open in front of him.
Marguerite, resting one hand on the piano, followed every note on the music, accompanying it in a low voice, and when Gaston had come to the passage which she had mentioned to him, she sang out, running her fingers along the top of the piano:
Marguerite, resting one hand on the piano, followed every note in the music, singing along softly. When Gaston reached the part she had pointed out to him, she sang out, her fingers gliding over the top of the piano:
“Do, re, mi, do, re, fa, mi, re; that is what I can not do. Over again.”
“Do, re, mi, do, re, fa, mi, re; that’s what I can’t do. Again and again.”
Gaston began over again, after which Marguerite said:
Gaston started again, and then Marguerite said:
“Now, let me try.”
“Hold on, let me try.”
She took her place and began to play; but her rebellious fingers always came to grief over one of the notes.
She took her spot and started to play, but her defiant fingers always stumbled over one of the notes.
“Isn’t it incredible,” she said, exactly like a child, “that I can not succeed in playing that passage? Would you believe that I sometimes spend two hours of the morning over it? And when I think that that idiot of a count plays it without his music, and beautifully, I really believe it is that that makes me so furious with him.” And she began again, always with the same result.
“Isn’t it amazing,” she said, just like a child, “that I can’t seem to get that passage right? Can you believe I sometimes spend two hours on it in the morning? And when I think that fool of a count plays it perfectly from memory, it honestly drives me crazy.” And she started again, always with the same outcome.
“The devil take Weber, music, and pianos!” she cried, throwing the music to the other end of the room. “How can I play eight sharps one after another?” She folded her arms and looked at us, stamping her foot. The blood flew to her cheeks, and her lips half opened in a slight cough.
“Damn Weber, music, and pianos!” she exclaimed, tossing the sheet music across the room. “How am I supposed to play eight sharps in a row?” She crossed her arms and glared at us, stamping her foot. Color rushed to her cheeks, and her lips parted slightly as she coughed.
“Come, come,” said Prudence, who had taken off her hat and was smoothing her hair before the glass, “you will work yourself into a rage and do yourself harm. Better come and have supper; for my part, I am dying of hunger.”
“Come on,” said Prudence, who had taken off her hat and was smoothing her hair in front of the mirror, “you’re going to work yourself up into a rage and hurt yourself. It’s better to come have supper; as for me, I’m starving.”
Marguerite rang the bell, sat down to the piano again, and began to hum over a very risky song, which she accompanied without difficulty. Gaston knew the song, and they gave a sort of duet.
Marguerite rang the bell, sat down at the piano again, and started to hum a pretty risky song, which she played with ease. Gaston recognized the song, and they created a sort of duet together.
“Don’t sing those beastly things,” I said to Marguerite, imploringly.
“Don’t sing those awful things,” I said to Marguerite, begging her.
“Oh, how proper you are!” she said, smiling and giving me her hand. “It is not for myself, but for you.”
“Oh, how proper you are!” she said, smiling and offering me her hand. “It's not for me, but for you.”
Marguerite made a gesture as if to say, “Oh, it is long since that I have done with propriety!” At that moment Nanine appeared.
Marguerite gestured as if to say, “Oh, it’s been a while since I cared about propriety!” At that moment, Nanine showed up.
“Is supper ready?” asked Marguerite. “Yes, madame, in one moment.”
“Is dinner ready?” Marguerite asked. “Yes, ma'am, just a moment.”
“Apropos,” said Prudence to me, “you have not looked round; come, and I will show you.” As you know, the drawing-room was a marvel.
“Apropos,” Prudence said to me, “you haven’t looked around; come on, and I’ll show you.” As you know, the drawing room was amazing.
Marguerite went with us for a moment; then she called Gaston and went into the dining-room with him to see if supper was ready.
Marguerite joined us for a moment; then she called Gaston and went into the dining room with him to check if dinner was ready.
“Ah,” said Prudence, catching sight of a little Saxe figure on a side-table, “I never knew you had this little gentleman.”
“Ah,” said Prudence, noticing a small Saxe figure on a side table, “I never knew you had this little guy.”
“Which?”
"Which one?"
“A little shepherd holding a bird-cage.”
“A young shepherd holding a birdcage.”
“Take it, if you like it.”
“Go ahead, if you want it.”
“I won’t deprive you of it.”
“I won’t take that away from you.”
“I was going to give it to my maid. I think it hideous; but if you like it, take it.”
“I was going to give it to my maid. I think it’s awful; but if you like it, go ahead and take it.”
Prudence only saw the present, not the way in which it was given. She put the little figure on one side, and took me into the dressing-room, where she showed me two miniatures hanging side by side, and said:
Prudence only focused on the present, not how it was presented. She set the little figure aside and took me into the dressing room, where she showed me two miniatures hanging next to each other and said:
“That is the Comte de G., who was very much in love with Marguerite; it was he who brought her out. Do you know him?”
"That's the Count de G., who was really in love with Marguerite; he was the one who introduced her. Do you know him?"
“No. And this one?” I inquired, pointing to the other miniature.
“No. And what about this one?” I asked, pointing to the other figurine.
“That is the little Vicomte de L. He was obliged to disappear.”
“That's the little Vicomte de L. He had to go into hiding.”
“Why?”
"Why?"
“Because he was all but ruined. That’s one, if you like, who loved Marguerite.”
“Because he was almost ruined. That’s one, if you want, who loved Marguerite.”
“And she loved him, too, no doubt?”
“And she loved him, too, right?”
“She is such a queer girl, one never knows. The night he went away she went to the theatre as usual, and yet she had cried when he said good-bye to her.”
“She is such a strange girl, you never can tell. The night he left, she went to the theater like she always does, but she had cried when he said goodbye to her.”
Just then Nanine appeared, to tell us that supper was served.
Just then, Nanine showed up to let us know that dinner was ready.
When we entered the dining-room, Marguerite was leaning against the wall, and Gaston, holding her hands, was speaking to her in a low voice.
When we walked into the dining room, Marguerite was leaning against the wall, and Gaston, holding her hands, was talking to her softly.
“You are mad,” replied Marguerite. “You know quite well that I don’t want you. It is no good at the end of two years to make love to a woman like me. With us, it is at once, or never. Come, gentlemen, supper!”
“You're crazy,” Marguerite replied. “You know very well that I don’t want you. It doesn’t help after two years to profess your love to someone like me. With us, it’s either all in or nothing. Come on, gentlemen, let’s eat!”
And, slipping away from Gaston, Marguerite made him sit on her right at table, me on her left, then called to Nanine:
And, slipping away from Gaston, Marguerite made him sit on her right at the table, me on her left, then called to Nanine:
“Before you sit down, tell them in the kitchen not to open to anybody if there is a ring.”
“Before you sit down, let them in the kitchen know not to open the door to anyone if the doorbell rings.”
This order was given at one o’clock in the morning.
This order was given at 1:00 AM.
We laughed, drank, and ate freely at this supper. In a short while mirth had reached its last limit, and the words that seem funny to a certain class of people, words that degrade the mouth that utters them, were heard from time to time, amidst the applause of Nanine, of Prudence, and of Marguerite. Gaston was thoroughly amused; he was a very good sort of fellow, but somewhat spoiled by the habits of his youth. For a moment I tried to forget myself, to force my heart and my thoughts to become indifferent to the sight before me, and to take my share of that gaiety which seemed like one of the courses of the meal. But little by little I withdrew from the noise; my glass remained full, and I felt almost sad as I saw this beautiful creature of twenty drinking, talking like a porter, and laughing the more loudly the more scandalous was the joke.
We laughed, drank, and ate freely at dinner. Before long, the fun reached its peak, and words that are funny to some people—words that shame the person who says them—were occasionally heard, met with applause from Nanine, Prudence, and Marguerite. Gaston was thoroughly entertained; he was a really nice guy, but somewhat spoiled by his upbringing. For a moment, I tried to forget myself, forcing my heart and thoughts to be indifferent to the scene in front of me and to join in the happiness that felt like just another part of the meal. But gradually, I withdrew from the noise; my glass stayed full, and I felt almost sad as I watched this beautiful twenty-year-old drinking, talking like a laborer, and laughing even louder the more outrageous the joke became.
Nevertheless, this hilarity, this way of talking and drinking, which seemed to me in the others the mere results of bad company or of bad habits, seemed in Marguerite a necessity of forgetting, a fever, a nervous irritability. At every glass of champagne her cheeks would flush with a feverish colour, and a cough, hardly perceptible at the beginning of supper, became at last so violent that she was obliged to lean her head on the back of her chair and hold her chest in her hands every time that she coughed. I suffered at the thought of the injury to so frail a constitution which must come from daily excesses like this. At length, something which I had feared and foreseen happened. Toward the end of supper Marguerite was seized by a more violent fit of coughing than any she had had while I was there. It seemed as if her chest were being torn in two. The poor girl turned crimson, closed her eyes under the pain, and put her napkin to her lips. It was stained with a drop of blood. She rose and ran into her dressing-room.
Nevertheless, this laughter, this way of talking and drinking, which I thought was just the result of bad company or poor habits in others, felt to me in Marguerite like a need to forget, a fever, a nervous tension. With each glass of champagne, her cheeks would turn a feverish red, and a cough, which had barely been noticeable at the start of dinner, became so intense that she had to lean her head back against her chair and hold her chest every time she coughed. I felt distressed at the thought of the damage to such a fragile constitution that daily excesses like this would cause. Eventually, something I had feared and anticipated occurred. Toward the end of dinner, Marguerite was hit by a fit of coughing even more violent than any she had experienced while I was there. It seemed as though her chest was being ripped apart. The poor girl turned bright red, closed her eyes in pain, and pressed her napkin to her lips. It was stained with a drop of blood. She stood up and rushed into her dressing room.
“What is the matter with Marguerite?” asked Gaston.
“What’s wrong with Marguerite?” asked Gaston.
“She has been laughing too much, and she is spitting blood. Oh, it is nothing; it happens to her every day. She will be back in a minute. Leave her alone. She prefers it.”
“She’s been laughing a lot, and she’s spitting blood. Oh, it’s nothing; it happens to her every day. She’ll be back in a minute. Just leave her alone. She likes it that way.”
I could not stay still; and, to the consternation of Prudence and Nanine, who called to me to come back, I followed Marguerite.
I couldn't stay put; and, to the dismay of Prudence and Nanine, who shouted for me to come back, I followed Marguerite.
Chapter X
The room to which she had fled was lit only by a single candle. She lay back on a great sofa, her dress undone, holding one hand on her heart, and letting the other hang by her side. On the table was a basin half full of water, and the water was stained with streaks of blood.
The room she had escaped to was lit by just a single candle. She reclined on a large sofa, her dress unfastened, one hand resting on her heart and the other hanging by her side. On the table was a basin half-filled with water, which was marked with streaks of blood.
Very pale, her mouth half open, Marguerite tried to recover breath. Now and again her bosom was raised by a long sigh, which seemed to relieve her a little, and for a few seconds she would seem to be quite comfortable.
Very pale, her mouth half open, Marguerite tried to catch her breath. Every now and then, her chest lifted with a long sigh, which seemed to help her a bit, and for a few seconds, she appeared to be completely at ease.
I went up to her; she made no movement, and I sat down and took the hand which was lying on the sofa.
I approached her; she didn't move, so I sat down and took the hand that was resting on the sofa.
“Ah! it is you,” she said, with a smile.
“Ah! it's you,” she said, smiling.
I must have looked greatly agitated, for she added:
I must have looked really upset, because she added:
“Are you unwell, too?”
"Are you feeling unwell, too?"
“No, but you: do you still suffer?”
“No, but you: are you still in pain?”
“Very little;” and she wiped off with her handkerchief the tears which the coughing had brought to her eyes; “I am used to it now.”
“Not much;” and she wiped the tears that the coughing had caused to her eyes with her handkerchief; “I’m used to it now.”
“You are killing yourself, madame,” I said to her in a moved voice. “I wish I were a friend, a relation of yours, that I might keep you from doing yourself harm like this.”
“You're killing yourself, ma'am,” I said to her with a heavy heart. “I wish I were a friend or a relative, so I could stop you from hurting yourself like this.”
“Ah! it is really not worth your while to alarm yourself,” she replied in a somewhat bitter tone; “see how much notice the others take of me! They know too well that there is nothing to be done.”
“Ah! It's really not worth getting worked up over,” she replied in a somewhat resentful tone; “just look at how much attention the others give me! They know perfectly well that there's nothing to be done.”
Thereupon she got up, and, taking the candle, put it on the mantel-piece and looked at herself in the glass.
Thereupon she got up, and, taking the candle, placed it on the mantelpiece and looked at herself in the mirror.
“How pale I am!” she said, as she fastened her dress and passed her fingers over her loosened hair. “Come, let us go back to supper. Are you coming?”
“Wow, I look so pale!” she said, as she zipped up her dress and ran her fingers through her messy hair. “Come on, let’s head back to dinner. Are you coming?”
I sat still and did not move.
I stayed still and didn’t move.
She saw how deeply I had been affected by the whole scene, and, coming up to me, held out her hand, saying:
She noticed how much the whole situation had impacted me and walked over to me, extending her hand and saying:
“Come now, let us go.”
"Let's go now."
I took her hand, raised it to my lips, and in spite of myself two tears fell upon it.
I took her hand, lifted it to my lips, and despite myself, two tears fell onto it.
“Why, what a child you are!” she said, sitting down by my side again. “You are crying! What is the matter?”
“Why, what a child you are!” she said, sitting down next to me again. “You’re crying! What’s wrong?”
“I must seem very silly to you, but I am frightfully troubled by what I have just seen.”
"I probably look really silly to you, but I'm very upset by what I just saw."
“You are very good! What would you have of me? I can not sleep. I must amuse myself a little. And then, girls like me, what does it matter, one more or less? The doctors tell me that the blood I spit up comes from my throat; I pretend to believe them; it is all I can do for them.”
“You're really great! What do you want from me? I can't sleep. I need to entertain myself a bit. And honestly, for girls like me, what difference does it make, one more or one less? The doctors say the blood I cough up comes from my throat; I act like I believe them; it’s the least I can do for them.”
“Listen, Marguerite,” I said, unable to contain myself any longer; “I do not know what influence you are going to have over my life, but at this present moment there is no one, not even my sister, in whom I feel the interest which I feel in you. It has been just the same ever since I saw you. Well, for Heaven’s sake, take care of yourself, and do not live as you are living now.”
“Listen, Marguerite,” I said, unable to hold back any longer; “I don’t know what impact you’re going to have on my life, but right now, there’s no one, not even my sister, in whom I feel the same interest that I feel in you. It’s been the same since the moment I saw you. So please, for heaven’s sake, take care of yourself and don’t keep living the way you are now.”
“If I took care of myself I should die. All that supports me is the feverish life I lead. Then, as for taking care of oneself, that is all very well for women with families and friends; as for us, from the moment we can no longer serve the vanity or the pleasure of our lovers, they leave us, and long nights follow long days. I know it. I was in bed for two months, and after three weeks no one came to see me.”
“If I looked after myself, I would end up dead. The only thing keeping me going is this hectic life I live. Taking care of oneself is great for women who have families and friends; but for us, as soon as we can't cater to the vanity or pleasure of our lovers, they abandon us, and long nights stretch after long days. I know this well. I was in bed for two months, and after three weeks, no one came to visit me.”
“It is true I am nothing to you,” I went on, “but if you will let me, I will look after you like a brother, I will never leave your side, and I will cure you. Then, when you are strong again, you can go back to the life you are leading, if you choose; but I am sure you will come to prefer a quiet life, which will make you happier and keep your beauty unspoiled.”
“It’s true that I mean nothing to you,” I continued, “but if you let me, I’ll take care of you like a brother. I won’t leave your side, and I’ll help you get better. Then, when you’re strong again, you can return to the life you’re living if that’s what you want; but I’m sure you’ll come to prefer a calmer life, which will make you happier and keep your beauty intact.”
“You think like that to-night because the wine has made you sad, but you would never have the patience that you pretend to.”
“You're thinking like that tonight because the wine has made you feel sad, but you would never have the patience that you’re pretending to.”
“Permit me to say, Marguerite, that you were ill for two months, and that for two months I came to ask after you every day.”
"Let me say, Marguerite, that you were sick for two months, and during those two months, I came to check on you every day."
“It is true, but why did you not come up?”
“It’s true, but why didn’t you come up?”
“Because I did not know you then.”
“Because I didn't know you back then.”
“Need you have been so particular with a girl like me?”
“Did you really have to be so picky with a girl like me?”
“One must always be particular with a woman; it is what I feel, at least.”
“One should always be careful with a woman; that’s how I see it, at least.”
“So you would look after me?”
“So, you would take care of me?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“You would stay by me all day?”
“You would stay with me all day?”
“Yes.
“Yes.”
“And even all night?”
"Even all night?"
“As long as I did not weary you.”
“As long as I didn’t wear you out.”
“And what do you call that?”
“And what do you call that?”
“Devotion.”
"Commitment."
“And what does this devotion come from?”
“And where does this devotion come from?”
“The irresistible sympathy which I have for you.”
“The undeniable affection I have for you.”
“So you are in love with me? Say it straight out, it is much more simple.”
“So you love me? Just say it clearly, it makes things so much easier.”
“It is possible; but if I am to say it to you one day, it is not to-day.”
“It’s possible; but if I’m going to tell you one day, it’s not today.”
“You will do better never to say it.”
“You’re better off not saying it at all.”
“Why?”
"Why?"
“Because only one of two things can come of it.”
“Because only one of two things can happen.”
“What?”
“Excuse me?”
“Either I shall not accept: then you will have a grudge against me; or I shall accept: then you will have a sorry mistress; a woman who is nervous, ill, sad, or gay with a gaiety sadder than grief, a woman who spits blood and spends a hundred thousand francs a year. That is all very well for a rich old man like the duke, but it is very bad for a young man like you, and the proof of it is that all the young lovers I have had have very soon left me.” I did not answer; I listened. This frankness, which was almost a kind of confession, the sad life, of which I caught some glimpse through the golden veil which covered it, and whose reality the poor girl sought to escape in dissipation, drink, and wakefulness, impressed me so deeply that I could not utter a single word.
“Either I won’t accept: then you’ll hold a grudge against me; or I will accept: then you’ll have a sorry mistress—someone who is nervous, sick, sad, or pretending to be cheerful in a way that’s even sadder than grief; a woman who coughs up blood and spends a hundred thousand francs a year. That might be fine for a rich old guy like the duke, but it’s really not good for a young man like you, and the proof is that all the young lovers I’ve had left me pretty quickly.” I didn’t respond; I just listened. This honesty, which felt like a sort of confession, the sad life I glimpsed through the gilded veil that covered it, and the reality the poor girl tried to escape through partying, drinking, and sleepless nights affected me so deeply that I couldn’t say a single word.
“Come,” continued Marguerite, “we are talking mere childishness. Give me your arm and let us go back to the dining-room. They won’t know what we mean by our absence.”
“Come on,” Marguerite said, “we’re just being silly. Give me your arm and let’s head back to the dining room. They won’t have any idea why we’re gone.”
“Go in, if you like, but allow me to stay here.”
“Go ahead in if you want, but let me stay here.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because your mirth hurts me.”
“Because your joy hurts me.”
“Well, I will be sad.”
"Well, I’ll be sad."
“Marguerite, let me say to you something which you have no doubt often heard, so often that the habit of hearing it has made you believe it no longer, but which is none the less real, and which I will never repeat.”
“Marguerite, let me tell you something you’ve probably heard so many times that you’ve gotten used to it and stopped believing it, but it’s still very real, and I will never say it again.”
“And that is...?” she said, with the smile of a young mother listening to some foolish notion of her child.
“And that is...?” she said, with the smile of a young mom listening to some silly idea her child had.
“It is this, that ever since I have seen you, I know not why, you have taken a place in my life; that, if I drive the thought of you out of my mind, it always comes back; that when I met you to-day, after not having seen you for two years, you made a deeper impression on my heart and mind than ever; that, now that you have let me come to see you, now that I know you, now that I know all that is strange in you, you have become a necessity of my life, and you will drive me mad, not only if you will not love me, but if you will not let me love you.”
“Ever since I first saw you, I don’t know why, but you’ve taken a special place in my life. Whenever I try to push thoughts of you out of my mind, they always come rushing back. When I met you today, after two years of being apart, you left a stronger mark on my heart and mind than ever before. Now that you’ve allowed me to come visit you, now that I know you better, now that I understand all the interesting things about you, you’ve become essential to my life. It will drive me crazy if you don’t love me, but it’ll drive me just as mad if you don’t let me love you.”
“But, foolish creature that you are, I shall say to you, like Mme. D., ‘You must be very rich, then!’ Why, you don’t know that I spend six or seven thousand francs a month, and that I could not live without it; you don’t know, my poor friend, that I should ruin you in no time, and that your family would cast you off if you were to live with a woman like me. Let us be friends, good friends, but no more. Come and see me, we will laugh and talk, but don’t exaggerate what I am worth, for I am worth very little. You have a good heart, you want someone to love you, you are too young and too sensitive to live in a world like mine. Take a married woman. You see, I speak to you frankly, like a friend.”
“But, you foolish person, let me say to you, just like Mme. D., ‘You must be very wealthy, right?’ You don’t realize that I spend six or seven thousand francs a month and couldn’t live without that; you don’t understand, my poor friend, that I would ruin you in no time, and your family would disown you if you lived with someone like me. Let’s be friends, good friends, but nothing more. Come and visit me; we’ll laugh and chat, but don’t overestimate my worth because I’m worth very little. You have a good heart, you want someone to love you, and you’re too young and too sensitive to survive in a world like mine. Find yourself a married woman. You see, I’m being honest with you, like a friend.”
“But what the devil are you doing there?” cried Prudence, who had come in without our hearing her, and who now stood just inside the door, with her hair half coming down and her dress undone. I recognised the hand of Gaston.
"But what on earth are you doing there?" shouted Prudence, who had come in without us hearing her, and who now stood just inside the door, with her hair half down and her dress all messed up. I recognized Gaston's handiwork.
“We are talking sense,” said Marguerite; “leave us alone; we will be back soon.”
“We’re being reasonable,” Marguerite said. “Just give us some space; we’ll be back shortly.”
“Good, good! Talk, my children,” said Prudence, going out and closing the door behind her, as if to further emphasize the tone in which she had said these words.
“Good, good! Talk, my children,” said Prudence, stepping out and closing the door behind her, as if to highlight the tone in which she had said these words.
“Well, it is agreed,” continued Marguerite, when we were alone, “you won’t fall in love with me?”
"Well, it's settled," Marguerite continued when we were alone, "you won't fall in love with me?"
“I will go away.”
"I'm leaving."
“So much as that?”
"Is that all?"
I had gone too far to draw back; and I was really carried away. This mingling of gaiety, sadness, candour, prostitution, her very malady, which no doubt developed in her a sensitiveness to impressions, as well as an irritability of nerves, all this made it clear to me that if from the very beginning I did not completely dominate her light and forgetful nature, she was lost to me.
I had gone too far to pull back; and I was genuinely swept away. This mix of joy, sadness, honesty, and her struggles, which surely made her extra sensitive to feelings and also irritable, made it clear to me that if I didn’t fully take control of her carefree and flighty nature from the very start, she would be lost to me.
“Come, now, do you seriously mean what you say?” she said.
“Come on, do you really mean what you're saying?” she said.
“Seriously.”
“Seriously.”
“But why didn’t you say it to me sooner?”
“But why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“When could I have said it?”
“When could I have said that?”
“The day after you had been introduced to me at the Opera Comique.”
"The day after you were introduced to me at the Opera Comique."
“I thought you would have received me very badly if I had come to see you.”
"I figured you would have reacted poorly if I had come to see you."
“Why?”
"Why?"
“Because I had behaved so stupidly.”
“Because I acted so naïvely.”
“That’s true. And yet you were already in love with me.”
"That's true. And still, you were already in love with me."
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“And that didn’t hinder you from going to bed and sleeping quite comfortably. One knows what that sort of love means.”
“And that didn’t stop you from going to bed and sleeping pretty well. You know what that kind of love means.”
“There you are mistaken. Do you know what I did that evening, after the Opera Comique?”
“There you are mistaken. Do you know what I did that night after the Opera Comique?”
“No.”
“Nope.”
“I waited for you at the door of the Café Anglais. I followed the carriage in which you and your three friends were, and when I saw you were the only one to get down, and that you went in alone, I was very happy.”
“I waited for you at the door of the Café Anglais. I followed the carriage you and your three friends were in, and when I saw you were the only one to get out and that you went in alone, I was really happy.”
Marguerite began to laugh.
Marguerite started to laugh.
“What are you laughing at?”
"What are you laughing at?"
“Nothing.”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me, I beg of you, or I shall think you are still laughing at me.”
“Please tell me, or I’ll think you’re still making fun of me.”
“You won’t be cross?”
“You won't be mad?”
“What right have I to be cross?”
“What right do I have to be upset?”
“Well, there was a sufficient reason why I went in alone.”
“Well, there was a good reason for me to go in alone.”
“What?”
"What?"
“Some one was waiting for me here.”
“Someone was waiting for me here.”
If she had thrust a knife into me she would not have hurt me more. I rose, and holding out my hand, “Goodbye,” said I.
If she had stabbed me with a knife, it wouldn't have hurt me more. I got up and held out my hand, “Goodbye,” I said.
“I knew you would be cross,” she said; “men are frantic to know what is certain to give them pain.”
“I knew you’d be upset,” she said; “men are desperate to know what will definitely hurt them.”
“But I assure you,” I added coldly, as if wishing to prove how completely I was cured of my passion, “I assure you that I am not cross. It was quite natural that someone should be waiting for you, just as it is quite natural that I should go from here at three in the morning.”
“But I promise you,” I added coldly, as if trying to show how completely I was over my feelings, “I promise you that I’m not upset. It was totally normal for someone to be waiting for you, just like it’s totally normal for me to leave here at three in the morning.”
“Have you, too, someone waiting for you?”
“Do you have someone waiting for you too?”
“No, but I must go.”
“No, but I have to go.”
“Good-bye, then.”
"Goodbye, then."
“You send me away?”
"Are you sending me away?"
“Not the least in the world.”
"Not at all in the world."
“Why are you so unkind to me?”
“Why are you so mean to me?”
“How have I been unkind to you?”
“How have I been unkind to you?”
“In telling me that someone was waiting for you.”
“In telling me that someone is waiting for you.”
“I could not help laughing at the idea that you had been so happy to see me come in alone when there was such a good reason for it.”
"I couldn't help but laugh at the idea that you were so happy to see me walk in alone when there was such a good reason for it."
“One finds pleasure in childish enough things, and it is too bad to destroy such a pleasure when, by simply leaving it alone, one can make somebody so happy.”
"People find joy in things that may seem childish, and it’s a shame to ruin that joy when, by just leaving it be, one can make someone so happy."
“But what do you think I am? I am neither maid nor duchess. I didn’t know you till to-day, and I am not responsible to you for my actions. Supposing one day I should become your mistress, you are bound to know that I have had other lovers besides you. If you make scenes of jealousy like this before, what will it be after, if that after should ever exist? I never met anyone like you.”
“But what do you think I am? I’m neither a maid nor a duchess. I didn’t know you until today, and I don’t owe you an explanation for my actions. If one day I were to become your mistress, you should know that I’ve had other lovers besides you. If you’re jealous like this now, what will it be like later, if that later ever happens? I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“That is because no one has ever loved you as I love you.”
“That’s because no one has ever loved you the way I love you.”
“Frankly, then, you really love me?”
“Honestly, so you really love me?”
“As much as it is possible to love, I think.”
“As much as it's possible to love, I think.”
“And that has lasted since—?”
“And that has lasted since—?”
“Since the day I saw you go into Susse’s, three years ago.”
“Since the day I saw you walk into Susse’s, three years ago.”
“Do you know, that is tremendously fine? Well, what am I to do in return?”
“Do you know, that’s really great? So, what should I do in return?”
“Love me a little,” I said, my heart beating so that I could hardly speak; for, in spite of the half-mocking smiles with which she had accompanied the whole conversation, it seemed to me that Marguerite began to share my agitation, and that the hour so long awaited was drawing near.
“Love me a little,” I said, my heart racing so fast I could barely speak; because, despite the half-mocking smiles she had shown throughout our conversation, it felt like Marguerite was starting to feel my anxiety too, and that the moment I had been waiting for was finally approaching.
“Well, but the duke?”
"Well, what about the duke?"
“What duke?”
"Which duke?"
“My jealous old duke.”
"My jealous old duke."
“He will know nothing.”
"He won't know anything."
“And if he should?”
"And what if he does?"
“He would forgive you.”
“He’ll forgive you.”
“Ah, no, he would leave me, and what would become of me?”
“Ah, no, he would leave me, and what would happen to me?”
“You risk that for someone else.”
“You're risking that for someone else.”
“How do you know?”
“How do you know that?”
“By the order you gave not to admit anyone to-night.”
“Because of your order not to let anyone in tonight.”
“It is true; but that is a serious friend.”
“It’s true; but that’s a really good friend.”
“For whom you care nothing, as you have shut your door against him at such an hour.”
“For someone you don’t care about at all, since you’ve closed your door on him at this hour.”
“It is not for you to reproach me, since it was in order to receive you, you and your friend.”
“It’s not your place to blame me, since it was to welcome you and your friend.”
Little by little I had drawn nearer to Marguerite. I had put my arms about her waist, and I felt her supple body weigh lightly on my clasped hands.
Little by little, I had moved closer to Marguerite. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and I felt her graceful body rest gently in my clasped hands.
“If you knew how much I love you!” I said in a low voice.
“If you knew how much I love you!” I said softly.
“Really true?”
"Is it really true?"
“I swear it.”
"I promise."
“Well, if you will promise to do everything I tell you, without a word, without an opinion, without a question, perhaps I will say yes.”
“Well, if you promise to do everything I say, without arguing, without giving your opinion, and without asking any questions, maybe I’ll agree.”
“I will do everything that you wish!”
"I'll do anything you want!"
“But I forewarn you I must be free to do as I please, without giving you the slightest details what I do. I have long wished for a young lover, who should be young and not self-willed, loving without distrust, loved without claiming the right to it. I have never found one. Men, instead of being satisfied in obtaining for a long time what they scarcely hoped to obtain once, exact from their mistresses a full account of the present, the past, and even the future. As they get accustomed to her, they want to rule her, and the more one gives them the more exacting they become. If I decide now on taking a new lover, he must have three very rare qualities: he must be confiding, submissive, and discreet.”
“But I want to be clear that I need the freedom to do what I want, without sharing every little detail of what I’m up to. I’ve longed for a young lover who is not stubborn, someone who loves without suspicion and is loved without expecting ownership. I’ve never found that person. Men, rather than being happy with the chance to experience something special for a while, demand full disclosure about everything—what's happening now, what happened before, and even what might happen later. As they become more familiar, they want to control her, and the more you give, the more they expect. If I decide to take a new lover now, he needs to have three very rare qualities: he has to be trusting, willing to submit, and discreet.”
“Well, I will be all that you wish.”
“Well, I’ll be everything you want.”
“We shall see.”
"Let's wait and see."
“When shall we see?”
"When will we see?"
“Later on.”
“Later.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because,” said Marguerite, releasing herself from my arms, and, taking from a great bunch of red camellias a single camellia, she placed it in my buttonhole, “because one can not always carry out agreements the day they are signed.”
“Because,” said Marguerite, pulling away from my arms and taking a single red camellia from a large bunch, she pinned it in my buttonhole, “because you can’t always follow through on agreements the day they're made.”
“And when shall I see you again?” I said, clasping her in my arms.
“And when will I see you again?” I asked, holding her in my arms.
“When this camellia changes colour.”
“When this camellia changes color.”
“When will it change colour?”
“When will it change color?”
“To-morrow night between eleven and twelve. Are you satisfied?”
"Tomorrow night between eleven and twelve. Are you happy with that?"
“Need you ask me?”
"Do you really need to ask?"
“Not a word of this either to your friend or to Prudence, or to anybody whatever.”
“Don't mention any of this to your friend, Prudence, or anyone else at all.”
“I promise.”
"I swear."
“Now, kiss me, and we will go back to the dining-room.”
“Now, kiss me, and we’ll head back to the dining room.”
She held up her lips to me, smoothed her hair again, and we went out of the room, she singing, and I almost beside myself.
She lifted her lips to me, fixed her hair again, and we left the room, her singing, and I was almost beside myself.
In the next room she stopped for a moment and said to me in a low voice:
In the next room, she paused for a moment and said to me in a quiet voice:
“It must seem strange to you that I am ready to take you at a moment’s notice. Shall I tell you why? It is,” she continued, taking my hand and placing it against her heart so that I could feel how rapidly and violently it palpitated; “it is because I shall not live as long as others, and I have promised myself to live more quickly.”
“It must seem weird to you that I’m willing to go with you at a moment’s notice. Should I explain why? It’s,” she continued, taking my hand and pressing it against her heart so I could feel how fast and hard it was beating; “it’s because I won’t live as long as others, and I’ve promised myself to live more intensely.”
“Don’t speak to me like that, I entreat you.”
“Please don’t talk to me like that, I beg you.”
“Oh, make yourself easy,” she continued, laughing; “however short a time I have to live, I shall live longer than you will love me!”
“Oh, relax,” she continued, laughing; “no matter how little time I have left, I’ll outlive your love for me!”
And she went singing into the dining-room.
And she walked into the dining room singing.
“Where is Nanine?” she said, seeing Gaston and Prudence alone.
“Where's Nanine?” she asked, seeing Gaston and Prudence by themselves.
“She is asleep in your room, waiting till you are ready to go to bed,” replied Prudence.
“She’s asleep in your room, waiting for you to be ready to go to bed,” Prudence replied.
“Poor thing, I am killing her! And now gentlemen, it is time to go.”
“Poor thing, I’m killing her! And now, gentlemen, it's time to leave.”
Ten minutes after, Gaston and I left the house. Marguerite shook hands with me and said good-bye. Prudence remained behind.
Ten minutes later, Gaston and I left the house. Marguerite shook my hand and said goodbye. Prudence stayed behind.
“Well,” said Gaston, when we were in the street, “what do you think of Marguerite?”
“Well,” said Gaston, when we were out on the street, “what do you think of Marguerite?”
“She is an angel, and I am madly in love with her.”
“She’s an angel, and I’m crazy in love with her.”
“So I guessed; did you tell her so?”
“So I guessed; did you say that to her?”
“Yes.”
"Yeah."
“And did she promise to believe you?”
“And did she promise to believe you?”
“No.”
“Nope.”
“She is not like Prudence.”
"She's not like Prudence."
“Did she promise to?”
"Did she promise that?"
“Better still, my dear fellow. You wouldn’t think it; but she is still not half bad, poor old Duvernoy!”
“Even better, my friend. You wouldn’t believe it, but she’s still not too bad, poor old Duvernoy!”
Chapter XI
At this point Armand stopped.
At this point, Armand paused.
“Would you close the window for me?” he said. “I am beginning to feel cold. Meanwhile, I will get into bed.”
“Could you close the window for me?” he said. “I’m starting to feel cold. In the meantime, I’ll get into bed.”
I closed the window. Armand, who was still very weak, took off his dressing-gown and lay down in bed, resting his head for a few moments on the pillow, like a man who is tired by much talking or disturbed by painful memories.
I closed the window. Armand, still feeling very weak, took off his robe and lay down in bed, resting his head on the pillow for a moment, like someone who is exhausted from talking too much or troubled by painful memories.
“Perhaps you have been talking too much,” I said to him. “Would you rather for me to go and leave you to sleep? You can tell me the rest of the story another day.”
“Maybe you’ve been talking too much,” I said to him. “Would you prefer I go and let you sleep? You can tell me the rest of the story another day.”
“Are you tired of listening to it?”
“Are you sick of hearing it?”
“Quite the contrary.”
"On the contrary."
“Then I will go on. If you left me alone, I should not sleep.”
“Then I’ll keep going. If you left me by myself, I wouldn’t be able to sleep.”
When I returned home (he continued, without needing to pause and recollect himself, so fresh were all the details in his mind), I did not go to bed, but began to reflect over the day’s adventure. The meeting, the introduction, the promise of Marguerite, had followed one another so rapidly, and so unexpectedly, that there were moments when it seemed to me I had been dreaming. Nevertheless, it was not the first time that a girl like Marguerite had promised herself to a man on the morrow of the day on which he had asked for the promise.
When I got home (he kept going, not needing to pause or gather his thoughts, since all the details were still clear in his mind), I didn’t go to bed right away; instead, I started thinking about the day’s adventure. The meeting, the introduction, the promise from Marguerite, all happened so quickly and unexpectedly that there were times when it felt like I had been dreaming. Still, it wasn’t the first time a girl like Marguerite had committed to a guy the day after he asked for her promise.
Though, indeed, I made this reflection, the first impression produced on me by my future mistress was so strong that it still persisted. I refused obstinately to see in her a woman like other women, and, with the vanity so common to all men, I was ready to believe that she could not but share the attraction which drew me to her.
Though I did have this thought, the first impression I got from my future mistress was so powerful that it has stuck with me. I stubbornly refused to see her as just another woman, and, with the kind of vanity that all men often have, I was convinced that she must feel the same attraction that drew me to her.
Yet, I had before me plenty of instances to the contrary, and I had often heard that the affection of Marguerite was a thing to be had more or less dear, according to the season.
Yet, I had plenty of examples to the contrary in front of me, and I had often heard that Marguerite's affection came at varying costs depending on the time of year.
But, on the other hand, how was I to reconcile this reputation with her constant refusal of the young count whom we had found at her house? You may say that he was unattractive to her, and that, as she was splendidly kept by the duke, she would be more likely to choose a man who was attractive to her, if she were to take another lover. If so, why did she not choose Gaston, who was rich, witty, and charming, and why did she care for me, whom she had thought so ridiculous the first time she had seen me?
But, on the other hand, how was I supposed to make sense of this reputation alongside her constant rejection of the young count we had found at her house? You might say that he didn’t appeal to her, and that since she was well taken care of by the duke, she would be more likely to choose someone who attracted her if she were to take another lover. If that’s the case, why didn’t she go for Gaston, who was wealthy, witty, and charming? Why did she even care about me, someone she had thought was so ridiculous the first time she saw me?
It is true that there are events of a moment which tell more than the courtship of a year. Of those who were at the supper, I was the only one who had been concerned at her leaving the table. I had followed her, I had been so affected as to be unable to hide it from her, I had wept as I kissed her hand. This circumstance, added to my daily visits during the two months of her illness, might have shown her that I was somewhat different from the other men she knew, and perhaps she had said to herself that for a love which could thus manifest itself she might well do what she had done so often that it had no more consequence for her.
It's true that some moments reveal more than a year's worth of dating. Among those at dinner, I was the only one who cared about her leaving the table. I followed her, so affected that I couldn't hide it from her, and I cried as I kissed her hand. This, combined with my daily visits during her two months of illness, might have shown her that I was different from the other guys she knew. Maybe she thought that for a love that could show itself so openly, she might as well do what she had done so often that it didn't seem to matter to her anymore.
All these suppositions, as you may see, were improbable enough; but whatever might have been the reason of her consent, one thing was certain, she had consented.
All these assumptions, as you can see, were pretty unlikely; but whatever the reason for her agreement, one thing was clear: she had agreed.
Now, I was in love with Marguerite. I had nothing more to ask of her. Nevertheless, though she was only a kept woman, I had so anticipated for myself, perhaps to poetize it a little, a hopeless love, that the nearer the moment approached when I should have nothing more to hope, the more I doubted. I did not close my eyes all night.
Now, I was in love with Marguerite. I had nothing more to ask of her. Yet, even though she was just a kept woman, I had built up this notion for myself, maybe to romanticize it a bit, of a hopeless love. So, as the moment drew closer when I would have nothing left to hope for, I started to doubt even more. I couldn't close my eyes all night.
I scarcely knew myself. I was half demented. Now, I seemed to myself not handsome or rich or elegant enough to possess such a woman, now I was filled with vanity at the thought of it; then I began to fear lest Marguerite had no more than a few days’ caprice for me, and I said to myself that since we should soon have to part, it would be better not to keep her appointment, but to write and tell her my fears and leave her. From that I went on to unlimited hope, unbounded confidence. I dreamed incredible dreams of the future; I said to myself that she should owe to me her moral and physical recovery, that I should spend my whole life with her, and that her love should make me happier than all the maidenly loves in the world.
I barely knew myself. I was half out of my mind. Now, I felt that I wasn't handsome, wealthy, or sophisticated enough to deserve such a woman, yet I was filled with pride at the thought of it. Then I started to worry that Marguerite might only have a fleeting infatuation for me, and I thought that since we would soon have to say goodbye, it might be better not to keep her appointment, but instead write to her about my concerns and let her go. From there, I shifted to boundless hope and absolute confidence. I envisioned unbelievable dreams for the future; I told myself that she would owe her emotional and physical recovery to me, that I would spend my entire life with her, and that her love would bring me more happiness than all the loves from other women in the world combined.
But I can not repeat to you the thousand thoughts that rose from my heart to my head, and that only faded away with the sleep that came to me at daybreak.
But I can't share with you the thousand thoughts that came from my heart to my mind, and that only faded away with the sleep that overtook me at dawn.
When I awoke it was two o’clock. The weather was superb. I don’t think life ever seemed to me so beautiful and so full of possibilities. The memories of the night before came to me without shadow or hindrance, escorted gaily by the hopes of the night to come. From time to time my heart leaped with love and joy in my breast. A sweet fever thrilled me. I thought no more of the reasons which had filled my mind before I slept. I saw only the result, I thought only of the hour when I was to see Marguerite again.
When I woke up, it was two o’clock. The weather was amazing. I don't think life has ever felt so beautiful and full of possibilities. Memories of the night before came to me clearly, happily accompanied by the hopes of the night ahead. Occasionally, my heart raced with love and joy. A sweet excitement coursed through me. I no longer thought about the reasons that had occupied my mind before I fell asleep. I focused only on the outcome, thinking only of the moment when I would see Marguerite again.
It was impossible to stay indoors. My room seemed too small to contain my happiness. I needed the whole of nature to unbosom myself.
It was impossible to stay inside. My room felt too small to hold my happiness. I needed the entire outdoors to express myself.
I went out. Passing by the Rue d’Antin, I saw Marguerite’s coupé waiting for her at the door. I went toward the Champs-Elysées. I loved all the people whom I met. Love gives one a kind of goodness.
I went out. As I walked past Rue d’Antin, I saw Marguerite’s coupe waiting for her at the door. I headed toward the Champs-Elysées. I felt affection for everyone I encountered. Love brings out a certain kindness in a person.
After I had been walking for an hour from the Marly horses to the Rond-Point, I saw Marguerite’s carriage in the distance; I divined rather than recognised it. As it was turning the corner of the Champs-Elysées it stopped, and a tall young man left a group of people with whom he was talking and came up to her. They talked for a few moments; the young man returned to his friends, the horses set out again, and as I came near the group I recognised the one who had spoken to Marguerite as the Comte de G., whose portrait I had seen and whom Prudence had indicated to me as the man to whom Marguerite owed her position. It was to him that she had closed her doors the night before; I imagined that she had stopped her carriage in order to explain to him why she had done so, and I hoped that at the same time she had found some new pretext for not receiving him on the following night.
After I had been walking for an hour from the Marly horses to the Rond-Point, I saw Marguerite’s carriage in the distance; I sensed rather than recognized it. As it was turning the corner of the Champs-Elysées, it stopped, and a tall young man left a group of people he was talking with and approached her. They chatted for a few moments; the young man returned to his friends, the horses started moving again, and as I got closer to the group, I recognized the guy who had talked to Marguerite as the Comte de G., whose portrait I had seen and who Prudence had pointed out as the man who had helped Marguerite secure her position. It was him she had turned away the night before; I imagined she had paused her carriage to explain to him why she did that, and I hoped she had also come up with a new excuse for not seeing him the following night.
How I spent the rest of the day I do not know; I walked, smoked, talked, but what I said, whom I met, I had utterly forgotten by ten o’clock in the evening.
How I spent the rest of the day, I don’t know; I walked, smoked, talked, but what I said and who I met, I had completely forgotten by ten o’clock at night.
All I remember is that when I returned home, I spent three hours over my toilet, and I looked at my watch and my clock a hundred times, which unfortunately both pointed to the same hour.
All I remember is that when I got home, I spent three hours in the bathroom, and I checked my watch and my clock a hundred times, which unfortunately both showed the same time.
When it struck half past ten, I said to myself that it was time to go.
When it hit 10:30, I told myself it was time to leave.
I lived at that time in the Rue de Provence; I followed the Rue du Mont-Blanc, crossed the Boulevard, went up the Rue Louis-le-Grand, the Rue de Port-Mahon, and the Rue d’Antin. I looked up at Marguerite’s windows. There was a light. I rang. I asked the porter if Mlle. Gautier was at home. He replied that she never came in before eleven or a quarter past eleven. I looked at my watch. I intended to come quite slowly, and I had come in five minutes from the Rue de Provence to the Rue d’Antin.
I lived at that time on Rue de Provence; I went along Rue du Mont-Blanc, crossed the Boulevard, and climbed up Rue Louis-le-Grand, Rue de Port-Mahon, and Rue d’Antin. I glanced up at Marguerite’s windows. There was a light on. I rang the bell. I asked the doorman if Mlle. Gautier was home. He told me she usually didn’t arrive before eleven or a quarter past eleven. I checked my watch. I meant to take my time, and it had only taken me five minutes to get from Rue de Provence to Rue d’Antin.
I walked to and fro in the street; there are no shops, and at that hour it is quite deserted. In half an hour’s time Marguerite arrived. She looked around her as she got down from her coupé, as if she were looking for some one. The carriage drove off; the stables were not at the house. Just as Marguerite was going to ring, I went up to her and said, “Good-evening.”
I strolled back and forth on the street; there were no shops, and at that time, it was pretty empty. In about half an hour, Marguerite showed up. She glanced around as she stepped out of her cab, as if she was searching for someone. The carriage left; the stables weren't at the house. Just as Marguerite was about to ring the bell, I approached her and said, “Good evening.”
“Ah, it is you,” she said, in a tone that by no means reassured me as to her pleasure in seeing me.
“Ah, it’s you,” she said, in a tone that did not reassure me about her happiness in seeing me.
“Did you not promise me that I might come and see you to-day?”
“Didn’t you promise me that I could come and see you today?”
“Quite right. I had forgotten.”
“Absolutely. I had forgotten.”
This word upset all the reflections I had had during the day. Nevertheless, I was beginning to get used to her ways, and I did not leave her, as I should certainly have done once. We entered. Nanine had already opened the door.
This word threw off all the thoughts I had during the day. Still, I was starting to get used to her behavior, and I didn't walk away as I definitely would have done before. We went in. Nanine had already opened the door.
“Has Prudence come?” said Marguerite.
"Is Prudence here?" said Marguerite.
“No, madame.”
“No, ma’am.”
“Say that she is to be admitted as soon as she comes. But first put out the lamp in the drawing-room, and if anyone comes, say that I have not come back and shall not be coming back.”
“Tell her she can come in as soon as she arrives. But first, turn off the lamp in the living room, and if anyone asks, say that I haven’t returned and won’t be back.”
She was like a woman who is preoccupied with something, and perhaps annoyed by an unwelcome guest. I did not know what to do or say. Marguerite went toward her bedroom; I remained where I was.
She seemed like a woman who was caught up in her thoughts, maybe irritated by an unwanted visitor. I wasn't sure how to respond or what to say. Marguerite headed to her bedroom; I stayed right where I was.
“Come,” she said.
"Come on," she said.
She took off her hat and her velvet cloak and threw them on the bed, then let herself drop into a great armchair beside the fire, which she kept till the very beginning of summer, and said to me as she fingered her watch-chain:
She removed her hat and velvet cloak and tossed them onto the bed, then fell into a large armchair by the fire, which she kept going until the very start of summer, and said to me while playing with her watch chain:
“Well, what news have you got for me?”
“Well, what news do you have for me?”
“None, except that I ought not to have come to-night.”
“None, except that I shouldn’t have come tonight.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because you seem vexed, and no doubt I am boring you.”
“Since you look annoyed, I’m sure I’m boring you.”
“You are not boring me; only I am not well; I have been suffering all day. I could not sleep, and I have a frightful headache.”
“You're not boring me; it's just that I'm not feeling well. I've been suffering all day. I couldn't sleep, and I have an awful headache.”
“Shall I go away and let you go to bed?”
“Should I leave and let you go to bed?”
“Oh, you can stay. If I want to go to bed I don’t mind your being here.”
“Oh, you can stay. If I want to go to bed, I don’t mind you being here.”
At that moment there was a ring.
At that moment, the phone rang.
“Who is coming now?” she said, with an impatient movement.
“Who’s coming now?” she said, with an impatient gesture.
A few minutes after there was another ring.
A few minutes later, there was another ring.
“Isn’t there anyone to go to the door? I shall have to go.” She got up and said to me, “Wait here.”
“Isn’t there anyone going to answer the door? I guess I’ll have to go.” She stood up and told me, “Wait here.”
She went through the rooms, and I heard her open the outer door. I listened.
She walked through the rooms, and I heard her open the front door. I listened.
The person whom she had admitted did not come farther than the dining-room. At the first word I recognised the voice of the young Comte de N.
The person she had let in didn’t go past the dining room. At the first word, I recognized the voice of the young Comte de N.
“How are you this evening?” he said.
“How are you this evening?” he asked.
“Not well,” replied Marguerite drily.
“Not great,” replied Marguerite dryly.
“Am I disturbing you?”
"Am I bothering you?"
“Perhaps.”
"Maybe."
“How you receive me! What have I done, my dear Marguerite?”
“How are you treating me! What did I do, my dear Marguerite?”
“My dear friend, you have done nothing. I am ill; I must go to bed, so you will be good enough to go. It is sickening not to be able to return at night without your making your appearance five minutes afterward. What is it you want? For me to be your mistress? Well, I have already told you a hundred times, No; you simply worry me, and you might as well go somewhere else. I repeat to you to-day, for the last time, I don’t want to have anything to do with you; that’s settled. Good-bye. Here’s Nanine coming in; she can light you to the door. Good-night.”
“My dear friend, you haven’t done a thing. I’m not feeling well; I need to go to bed, so please leave. It’s exhausting not being able to come back at night without you showing up five minutes later. What do you want? For me to be your girlfriend? I've already told you a hundred times, no; you just stress me out, and you might as well go find someone else. I’m telling you again today, for the last time, I don’t want anything to do with you; that’s final. Goodbye. Here comes Nanine; she can show you to the door. Goodnight.”
Without adding another word, or listening to what the young man stammered out, Marguerite returned to the room and slammed the door. Nanine entered a moment after.
Without saying another word or listening to what the young man was nervously trying to say, Marguerite went back into the room and slammed the door. Nanine walked in a moment later.
“Now understand,” said Marguerite, “you are always to say to that idiot that I am not in, or that I will not see him. I am tired out with seeing people who always want the same thing; who pay me for it, and then think they are quit of me. If those who are going to go in for our hateful business only knew what it really was they would sooner be chambermaids. But no, vanity, the desire of having dresses and carriages and diamonds carries us away; one believes what one hears, for here, as elsewhere, there is such a thing as belief, and one uses up one’s heart, one’s body, one’s beauty, little by little; one is feared like a beast of prey, scorned like a pariah, surrounded by people who always take more than they give; and one fine day one dies like a dog in a ditch, after having ruined others and ruined one’s self.”
“Now listen,” said Marguerite, “you always need to tell that fool that I’m not available, or that I won’t see him. I’m exhausted from dealing with people who only want the same thing; they pay me for it, and then think they’re done with me. If those who are getting into this awful business truly understood what it was really like, they’d rather be chambermaids. But no, vanity, the desire for fancy clothes, carriages, and diamonds takes over; people believe what they hear, because, like everywhere else, belief exists here too, and you gradually wear out your heart, your body, and your beauty; you’re treated like a predator, looked down on like an outcast, surrounded by people who always take more than they give; and one day you end up dying like a dog in a ditch, after ruining others and yourself.”
“Come, come, madame, be calm,” said Nanine; “your nerves are a bit upset to-night.”
"Come on, ma'am, relax," said Nanine; "you're a little on edge tonight."
“This dress worries me,” continued Marguerite, unhooking her bodice; “give me a dressing-gown. Well, and Prudence?”
“This dress makes me anxious,” Marguerite said, unhooking her bodice. “Hand me a dressing gown. So, what about Prudence?”
“She has not come yet, but I will send her to you, madame, the moment she comes.”
“She hasn't arrived yet, but I'll send her to you, ma'am, as soon as she does.”
“There’s one, now,” Marguerite went on, as she took off her dress and put on a white dressing-gown, “there’s one who knows very well how to find me when she is in want of me, and yet she can’t do me a service decently. She knows I am waiting for an answer. She knows how anxious I am, and I am sure she is going about on her own account, without giving a thought to me.”
“There’s one, now,” Marguerite continued, as she removed her dress and put on a white robe, “there’s one who knows exactly how to find me when she needs me, and yet she can’t even do me a favor properly. She knows I’m waiting for a response. She knows how anxious I am, and I’m sure she’s out doing her own thing, without any consideration for me.”
“Perhaps she had to wait.”
"Maybe she had to wait."
“Let us have some punch.”
“Let’s have some punch.”
“It will do you no good, madame,” said Nanine.
“It won't do you any good, ma'am,” said Nanine.
“So much the better. Bring some fruit, too, and a paté or a wing of chicken; something or other, at once. I am hungry.”
“So much the better. Bring some fruit, and a pâté or a chicken wing; something, anything, right away. I’m hungry.”
Need I tell you the impression which this scene made upon me, or can you not imagine it?
Need I explain the impression this scene had on me, or can you not picture it?
“You are going to have supper with me,” she said to me; “meanwhile, take a book. I am going into my dressing-room for a moment.”
“You're going to have dinner with me,” she said to me; “in the meantime, grab a book. I'm going into my dressing room for a moment.”
She lit the candles of a candelabra, opened a door at the foot of the bed, and disappeared.
She lit the candles on a candelabra, opened a door at the foot of the bed, and vanished.
I began to think over this poor girl’s life, and my love for her was mingled with a great pity. I walked to and fro in the room, thinking over things, when Prudence entered.
I started to reflect on this poor girl’s life, and my feelings for her were mixed with deep sympathy. I paced back and forth in the room, thinking things through, when Prudence walked in.
“Ah, you here?”’ she said, “where is Marguerite?”
“Hey, you here?” she said, “where's Marguerite?”
“In her dressing-room.”
"In her dressing room."
“I will wait. By the way, do you know she thinks you charming?”
“I'll wait. By the way, did you know she thinks you're charming?”
“No.”
“No.”
“She hasn’t told you?”
"She hasn't told you yet?"
“Not at all.”
"Not at all."
“How are you here?”
"How did you get here?"
“I have come to pay her a visit.”
“I’ve come to pay her a visit.”
“At midnight?”
"At midnight?"
“Why not?”
"Why not?"
“Farceur!”
“Jokester!”
“She has received me, as a matter of fact, very badly.”
“She has actually welcomed me quite poorly.”
“She will receive you better by and by.”
“She’ll be able to see you more soon.”
“Do you think so?”
"Do you really think that?"
“I have some good news for her.”
“I have some great news for her.”
“No harm in that. So she has spoken to you about me?”
“No harm in that. So she’s talked to you about me?”
“Last night, or rather to-night, when you and your friend went. By the way, what is your friend called? Gaston R., his name is, isn’t it?”
“Last night, or actually tonight, when you and your friend went. By the way, what’s your friend’s name? It’s Gaston R., right?”
“Yes,” said I, not without smiling, as I thought of what Gaston had confided to me, and saw that Prudence scarcely even knew his name.
“Yes,” I said, smiling a bit as I remembered what Gaston had told me, noticing that Prudence hardly even knew his name.
“He is quite nice, that fellow; what does he do?”
“He's a pretty nice guy; what does he do?”
“He has twenty-five thousand francs a year.”
“He makes twenty-five thousand francs a year.”
“Ah, indeed! Well, to return to you. Marguerite asked me all about you: who you were, what you did, what mistresses you had had; in short, everything that one could ask about a man of your age. I told her all I knew, and added that you were a charming young man. That’s all.”
“Ah, definitely! Anyway, back to you. Marguerite asked me everything about you: who you are, what you do, which women you've been involved with; basically, all the questions someone could have about a man your age. I shared everything I knew and added that you are a charming young man. That’s it.”
“Thanks. Now tell me what it was she wanted to say to you last night.”
“Thanks. Now tell me what she wanted to say to you last night.”
“Nothing at all. It was only to get rid of the count; but I have really something to see her about to-day, and I am bringing her an answer now.”
“Nothing at all. I just needed to get rid of the count; but I actually have something to discuss with her today, and I'm bringing her an answer now.”
At this moment Marguerite reappeared from her dressing-room, wearing a coquettish little nightcap with bunches of yellow ribbons, technically known as “cabbages.” She looked ravishing. She had satin slippers on her bare feet, and was in the act of polishing her nails.
At that moment, Marguerite came back from her dressing room, wearing a flirty little nightcap adorned with yellow ribbons, called “cabbages.” She looked stunning. She had satin slippers on her bare feet and was busy polishing her nails.
“Well,” she said, seeing Prudence, “have you seen the duke?”
“Well,” she said, noticing Prudence, “have you seen the duke?”
“Yes, indeed.”
"Yes, absolutely."
“And what did he say to you?”
“And what did he tell you?”
“He gave me—”
“He gave me—”
“How much?”
"How much does it cost?"
“Six thousand.”
"6,000."
“Have you got it?”
“Do you have it?”
“Yes.
Yep.
“Did he seem put out?”
“Did he seem upset?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Poor man!”
“Poor guy!”
This “Poor man!” was said in a tone impossible to render. Marguerite took the six notes of a thousand francs.
This "Poor man!" was said in a tone that's hard to describe. Marguerite took the six thousand-franc bills.
“It was quite time,” she said. “My dear Prudence, are you in want of any money?”
“It’s about time,” she said. “My dear Prudence, do you need any money?”
“You know, my child, it is the 15th in a couple of days, so if you could lend me three or four hundred francs, you would do me a real service.”
“You know, my child, the 15th is coming up in a couple of days, so if you could lend me three or four hundred francs, it would be a huge help.”
“Send over to-morrow; it is too late to get change now.”
“Send it over tomorrow; it’s too late to get change now.”
“Don’t forget.”
"Don't forget."
“No fear. Will you have supper with us?”
“No worries. Will you join us for dinner?”
“No, Charles is waiting for me.”
“No, Charles is waiting for me.”
“You are still devoted to him?”
“Are you still into him?”
“Crazy, my dear! I will see you to-morrow. Good-bye, Armand.”
“Crazy, my dear! I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodbye, Armand.”
Mme. Duvernoy went out.
Mrs. Duvernoy went out.
Marguerite opened the drawer of a side-table and threw the bank-notes into it.
Marguerite opened the drawer of a side table and tossed the banknotes inside.
“Will you permit me to get into bed?” she said with a smile, as she moved toward the bed.
“Can I get into bed?” she asked with a smile as she walked toward the bed.
“Not only permit, but I beg of you.”
“Not only allow me, but I’m begging you.”
She turned back the covering and got into bed.
She pulled back the covers and got into bed.
“Now,” said she, “come and sit down by me, and let’s have a talk.”
“Now,” she said, “come sit down next to me, and let’s chat.”
Prudence was right: the answer that she had brought to Marguerite had put her into a good humour.
Prudence was right: the answer she had given to Marguerite had put her in a good mood.
“Will you forgive me for my bad temper tonight?” she said, taking my hand.
“Will you forgive me for being in a bad mood tonight?” she asked, taking my hand.
“I am ready to forgive you as often as you like.”
“I’m ready to forgive you as many times as you want.”
“And you love me?”
"And you love me?"
“Madly.”
"Crazy."
“In spite of my bad disposition?”
“In spite of my bad attitude?”
“In spite of all.”
"Despite everything."
“You swear it?”
"Do you swear it?"
“Yes,” I said in a whisper.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
Nanine entered, carrying plates, a cold chicken, a bottle of claret, and some strawberries.
Nanine walked in with plates, a cold chicken, a bottle of red wine, and some strawberries.
“I haven’t had any punch made,” said Nanine; “claret is better for you. Isn’t it, sir?”
“I haven’t made any punch,” said Nanine; “claret is better for you. Isn’t it, sir?”
“Certainly,” I replied, still under the excitement of Marguerite’s last words, my eyes fixed ardently upon her.
“Of course,” I replied, still thrilled by Marguerite’s last words, my eyes intensely focused on her.
“Good,” said she; “put it all on the little table, and draw it up to the bed; we will help ourselves. This is the third night you have sat up, and you must be in want of sleep. Go to bed. I don’t want anything more.”
“Good,” she said, “put everything on the small table and pull it closer to the bed; we can help ourselves. This is the third night you’ve stayed up, and you must be tired. Go to bed. I don’t need anything else.”
“Shall I lock the door?”
"Should I lock the door?"
“I should think so! And above all, tell them not to admit anybody before midday.”
“I think so! And most importantly, tell them not to let anyone in before noon.”
Chapter XII
At five o’clock in the morning, as the light began to appear through the curtains, Marguerite said to me: “Forgive me if I send you away; but I must. The duke comes every morning; they will tell him, when he comes, that I am asleep, and perhaps he will wait until I wake.”
At five in the morning, as the light started to seep through the curtains, Marguerite said to me: “Sorry to send you away, but I have to. The duke comes every morning; when he arrives, they’ll tell him I’m asleep, and maybe he’ll wait until I wake up.”
I took Marguerite’s head in my hands; her loosened hair streamed about her; I gave her a last kiss, saying: “When shall I see you again?”
I took Marguerite's head in my hands; her loose hair flowed around her; I gave her one last kiss, saying, “When will I see you again?”
“Listen,” she said; “take the little gilt key on the mantelpiece, open that door; bring me back the key and go. In the course of the day you shall have a letter, and my orders, for you know you are to obey blindly.”
“Listen,” she said; “take the little gold key on the mantelpiece, open that door; bring me back the key and go. During the day, you’ll get a letter and my instructions, because you know you have to follow them without question.”
“Yes; but if I should already ask for something?”
“Yes, but what if I should ask for something now?”
“What?”
“What’s up?”
“Let me have that key.”
“Can I have that key?”
“What you ask is a thing I have never done for anyone.”
“What you’re asking is something I’ve never done for anyone.”
“Well, do it for me, for I swear to you that I don’t love you as the others have loved you.”
“Well, do it for me, because I promise you that I don’t love you the way others have loved you.”
“Well, keep it; but it only depends on me to make it useless to you, after all.”
"Well, hold onto it; but remember, I can easily make it useless for you."
“How?”
“How?”
“There are bolts on the door.”
“There are locks on the door.”
“Wretch!”
"Loser!"
“I will have them taken off.”
"I'll have them taken out."
“You love, then, a little?”
"Do you love a little?"
“I don’t know how it is, but it seems to me as if I do! Now, go; I can’t keep my eyes open.”
“I don’t know how it works, but it feels like I do! Now, go; I can’t keep my eyes open.”
I held her in my arms for a few seconds and then went.
I held her in my arms for a few seconds and then left.
The streets were empty, the great city was still asleep, a sweet freshness circulated in the streets that a few hours later would be filled with the noise of men. It seemed to me as if this sleeping city belonged to me; I searched my memory for the names of those whose happiness I had once envied; and I could not recall one without finding myself the happier.
The streets were empty, the big city was still asleep, and a sweet freshness filled the air that would soon be replaced by the noise of people. It felt like this sleeping city was mine; I tried to remember the names of those whose happiness I had once envied, but I couldn't think of one without feeling happier myself.
To be loved by a pure young girl, to be the first to reveal to her the strange mystery of love, is indeed a great happiness, but it is the simplest thing in the world. To take captive a heart which has had no experience of attack, is to enter an unfortified and ungarrisoned city. Education, family feeling, the sense of duty, the family, are strong sentinels, but there are no sentinels so vigilant as not to be deceived by a girl of sixteen to whom nature, by the voice of the man she loves, gives the first counsels of love, all the more ardent because they seem so pure.
To be loved by an innocent young girl, to be the first to introduce her to the strange mystery of love, is truly a great joy, but it’s also the simplest thing in the world. Capturing the heart of someone who has never been touched before is like entering an unprotected city. Education, family values, and a sense of duty are strong defenders, but no guards are so watchful that they won't be swayed by a sixteen-year-old girl, to whom nature, through the voice of the man she loves, gives her first lessons in love, lessons that are even more passionate because they seem so pure.
The more a girl believes in goodness, the more easily will she give way, if not to her lover, at least to love, for being without mistrust she is without force, and to win her love is a triumph that can be gained by any young man of five-and-twenty. See how young girls are watched and guarded! The walls of convents are not high enough, mothers have no locks strong enough, religion has no duties constant enough, to shut these charming birds in their cages, cages not even strewn with flowers. Then how surely must they desire the world which is hidden from them, how surely must they find it tempting, how surely must they listen to the first voice which comes to tell its secrets through their bars, and bless the hand which is the first to raise a corner of the mysterious veil!
The more a girl believes in goodness, the more easily she will give in, if not to her lover, then at least to love itself. Without mistrust, she lacks the strength to resist, and winning her love is a victory that any young man of twenty-five can achieve. Just look at how young girls are watched and protected! The walls of convents aren't high enough, mothers don't have locks strong enough, and religious duties aren’t constant enough to keep these beautiful girls locked away, cages that aren't even lined with flowers. So, it’s no wonder they long for the outside world that’s kept from them, find it enticing, and eagerly listen for the first voice that comes to share its secrets through the bars, and they will gladly welcome the hand that first lifts a corner of the mysterious veil!
But to be really loved by a courtesan: that is a victory of infinitely greater difficulty. With them the body has worn out the soul, the senses have burned up the heart, dissipation has blunted the feelings. They have long known the words that we say to them, the means we use; they have sold the love that they inspire. They love by profession, and not by instinct. They are guarded better by their calculations than a virgin by her mother and her convent; and they have invented the word caprice for that unbartered love which they allow themselves from time to time, for a rest, for an excuse, for a consolation, like usurers, who cheat a thousand, and think they have bought their own redemption by once lending a sovereign to a poor devil who is dying of hunger without asking for interest or a receipt.
But to be truly loved by a courtesan: that's a much greater challenge. With them, the body has exhausted the soul, the senses have consumed the heart, and indulgence has dulled their feelings. They know well the words we speak to them, the tactics we use; they’ve exchanged the love they inspire. They love as a profession, not by instinct. They’re more guarded by their calculations than a virgin is by her mother and her convent; and they've created the term caprice for that unbargained love they allow themselves occasionally, as a break, an excuse, or a comfort, like loan sharks who cheat thousands but believe they've redeemed themselves by lending a pound to a poor soul starving without asking for interest or a receipt.
Then, when God allows love to a courtesan, that love, which at first seems like a pardon, becomes for her almost without penitence. When a creature who has all her past to reproach herself with is taken all at once by a profound, sincere, irresistible love, of which she had never felt herself capable; when she has confessed her love, how absolutely the man whom she loves dominates her! How strong he feels with his cruel right to say: You do no more for love than you have done for money. They know not what proof to give. A child, says the fable, having often amused himself by crying “Help! a wolf!” in order to disturb the labourers in the field, was one day devoured by a Wolf, because those whom he had so often deceived no longer believed in his cries for help. It is the same with these unhappy women when they love seriously. They have lied so often that no one will believe them, and in the midst of their remorse they are devoured by their love.
Then, when God gives love to a courtesan, that love, which initially feels like forgiveness, becomes almost guilt-free for her. When someone with a troubled past suddenly experiences a deep, genuine, irresistible love that she never thought she was capable of feeling; once she admits her love, how completely the man she loves takes control of her! How powerful he feels with his harsh right to say: You give no more for love than you have for money. They don’t know how to prove themselves. A child, as the story goes, played around by crying “Help! a wolf!” to disturb the workers in the fields, and one day was eaten by a Wolf, because those he had tricked so many times no longer believed his cries for help. It's the same with these unfortunate women when they genuinely love. They have deceived so often that no one will trust them, and amid their guilt, they are consumed by their love.
Hence those great devotions, those austere retreats from the world, of which some of them have given an example.
Hence those intense devotions, those strict retreats from the world, which some of them have shown as an example.
But when the man who inspires this redeeming love is great enough in soul to receive it without remembering the past, when he gives himself up to it, when, in short, he loves as he is loved, this man drains at one draught all earthly emotions, and after such a love his heart will be closed to every other.
But when the man who inspires this redemptive love is noble enough to accept it without dwelling on the past, when he surrenders to it, when, in short, he loves as he is loved, this man fully absorbs all worldly emotions, and after such a love, his heart will be shut off to everything else.
I did not make these reflections on the morning when I returned home. They could but have been the presentiment of what was to happen to me, and, despite my love for Marguerite, I did not foresee such consequences. I make these reflections to-day. Now that all is irrevocably ended, they arise naturally out of what has taken place.
I didn't have these thoughts on the morning I got back home. They could only have been a feeling of what was about to happen to me, and even though I loved Marguerite, I didn't see such outcomes coming. I'm reflecting on this now. Now that everything is final, these thoughts come up naturally from what has happened.
But to return to the first day of my liaison. When I reached home I was in a state of mad gaiety. As I thought of how the barriers which my imagination had placed between Marguerite and myself had disappeared, of how she was now mine; of the place I now had in her thoughts, of the key to her room which I had in my pocket, and of my right to use this key, I was satisfied with life, proud of myself, and I loved God because he had let such things be.
But back to the first day of my relationship. When I got home, I was filled with wild happiness. As I thought about how the walls I had built in my mind between Marguerite and me had come down, how she was now mine; about my place in her thoughts, the key to her room that I had in my pocket, and my right to use that key, I felt content with life, proud of myself, and grateful to God for allowing such things to happen.
One day a young man is passing in the street, he brushes against a woman, looks at her, turns, goes on his way. He does not know the woman, and she has pleasures, griefs, loves, in which he has no part. He does not exist for her, and perhaps, if he spoke to her, she would only laugh at him, as Marguerite had laughed at me. Weeks, months, years pass, and all at once, when they have each followed their fate along a different path, the logic of chance brings them face to face. The woman becomes the man’s mistress and loves him. How? why? Their two existences are henceforth one; they have scarcely begun to know one another when it seems as if they had known one another always, and all that had gone before is wiped out from the memory of the two lovers. It is curious, one must admit.
One day, a young man is walking down the street when he brushes against a woman. He looks at her, turns away, and continues on his way. He doesn’t know her, and she has her own joys, sorrows, and loves that he’s not a part of. He doesn’t exist for her, and maybe if he talked to her, she would just laugh at him, like Marguerite had laughed at me. Weeks, months, and years pass, and suddenly, when they’ve each followed their own paths, chance brings them face to face. The woman becomes the man’s lover and falls for him. How? Why? From that moment on, their lives are intertwined; they’ve barely started to get to know each other when it feels like they’ve known each other forever, and everything that came before is erased from the memories of the two lovers. It’s strange, you have to admit.
As for me, I no longer remembered how I had lived before that night. My whole being was exalted into joy at the memory of the words we had exchanged during that first night. Either Marguerite was very clever in deception, or she had conceived for me one of those sudden passions which are revealed in the first kiss, and which die, often enough, as suddenly as they were born.
As for me, I no longer remembered how I had lived before that night. My entire being was uplifted with joy at the memory of the words we exchanged during that first night. Either Marguerite was really good at deception, or she had developed one of those intense feelings that come to light with the first kiss, and which often fade away just as quickly as they appear.
The more I reflected the more I said to myself that Marguerite had no reason for feigning a love which she did not feel, and I said to myself also that women have two ways of loving, one of which may arise from the other: they love with the heart or with the senses. Often a woman takes a lover in obedience to the mere will of the senses, and learns without expecting it the mystery of immaterial love, and lives henceforth only through her heart; often a girl who has sought in marriage only the union of two pure affections receives the sudden revelation of physical love, that energetic conclusion of the purest impressions of the soul.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Marguerite had no reason to pretend to love someone she didn’t truly feel for. I also thought about how women have two kinds of love, and one can come from the other: they can love with their hearts or with their senses. Often, a woman takes a lover simply because she feels physically attracted to him, and without even trying, she discovers the deeper meaning of emotional love and starts to live for her heart. Conversely, a girl who seeks only a loving marriage can suddenly find herself experiencing physical attraction, which is a powerful culmination of the purest feelings of the soul.
In the midst of these thoughts I fell asleep; I was awakened by a letter from Marguerite containing these words:
In the middle of these thoughts, I fell asleep; I was awakened by a letter from Marguerite that said this:
“Here are my orders: To-night at the Vaudeville.
“Here are my orders: Tonight at the Vaudeville.”
“Come during the third entr’acte.”
“Come during the third break.”
I put the letter into a drawer, so that I might always have it at hand in case I doubted its reality, as I did from time to time.
I placed the letter in a drawer so I could always have it handy in case I ever questioned its reality, which happened occasionally.
She did not tell me to come to see her during the day, and I dared not go; but I had so great a desire to see her before the evening that I went to the Champs-Elysées, where I again saw her pass and repass, as I had on the previous day.
She didn’t invite me to see her during the day, and I didn’t have the courage to go; but I was so eager to see her before the evening that I went to the Champs-Elysées, where I saw her walking back and forth again, just like I had the day before.
At seven o’clock I was at the Vaudeville. Never had I gone to a theatre so early. The boxes filled one after another. Only one remained empty, the stage box. At the beginning of the third act I heard the door of the box, on which my eyes had been almost constantly fixed, open, and Marguerite appeared. She came to the front at once, looked around the stalls, saw me, and thanked me with a look.
At seven o’clock I was at the Vaudeville. I had never gone to a theater so early. The boxes filled up one by one. Only one was still empty, the stage box. At the start of the third act, I heard the door of the box that I had been almost constantly watching open, and Marguerite walked in. She went straight to the front, looked around the audience, spotted me, and acknowledged me with a look of thanks.
That night she was marvellously beautiful. Was I the cause of this coquetry? Did she love me enough to believe that the more beautiful she looked the happier I should be? I did not know, but if that had been her intention she certainly succeeded, for when she appeared all heads turned, and the actor who was then on the stage looked to see who had produced such an effect on the audience by her mere presence there.
That night she looked incredibly beautiful. Was I the reason for this flirtation? Did she love me enough to think that the more beautiful she appeared, the happier I would be? I wasn’t sure, but if that was her goal, she definitely achieved it, because when she walked in, everyone turned to look, and the actor performing at that moment paused to see who had captivated the audience just by being there.
And I had the key of this woman’s room, and in three or four hours she would again be mine!
And I had the key to this woman’s room, and in three or four hours she would be mine again!
People blame those who let themselves be ruined by actresses and kept women; what astonishes me is that twenty times greater follies are not committed for them. One must have lived that life, as I have, to know how much the little vanities which they afford their lovers every day help to fasten deeper into the heart, since we have no other word for it, the love which he has for them.
People criticize those who let themselves be destroyed by actresses and mistresses; what amazes me is that even greater foolishness isn’t done for them. You have to have lived that life, like I have, to understand how the small vanities they offer their lovers every day help to deepen the love he feels for them, since there’s no other way to put it.
Prudence next took her place in the box, and a man, whom I recognised as the Comte de G., seated himself at the back. As I saw him, a cold shiver went through my heart.
Prudence took her seat in the box, and a man I recognized as the Comte de G. sat down in the back. Seeing him sent a cold shiver through my heart.
Doubtless Marguerite perceived the impression made on me by the presence of this man, for she smiled to me again, and, turning her back to the count, appeared to be very attentive to the play. At the third entr’acte she turned and said two words: the count left the box, and Marguerite beckoned to me to come to her.
Doubtless Marguerite noticed how the presence of this man affected me, because she smiled at me again and, turning her back to the count, seemed very focused on the performance. During the third entr’acte, she turned and said a couple of words: the count left the box, and Marguerite waved for me to come to her.
“Good-evening,” she said as I entered, holding out her hand.
“Good evening,” she said as I walked in, extending her hand.
“Good-evening,” I replied to both Marguerite and Prudence.
“Good evening,” I replied to both Marguerite and Prudence.
“Sit down.”
“Take a seat.”
“But I am taking someone’s place. Isn’t the Comte de G. coming back?”
“But I’m taking someone’s spot. Isn’t the Comte de G. coming back?”
“Yes; I sent him to fetch some sweets, so that we could talk by ourselves for a moment. Mme. Duvernoy is in on the secret.”
“Yeah; I sent him to get some sweets, so we could have a moment to talk alone. Mme. Duvernoy knows the secret.”
“Yes, my children,” said she; “have no fear. I shall say nothing.”
“Yes, my children,” she said. “Don’t worry. I won’t say anything.”
“What is the matter with you to-night?” said Marguerite, rising and coming to the back of the box and kissing me on the forehead.
“What’s wrong with you tonight?” Marguerite asked, standing up and coming to the back of the box to kiss me on the forehead.
“I am not very well.”
"I'm not feeling well."
“You should go to bed,” she replied, with that ironical air which went so well with her delicate and witty face.
“You should go to bed,” she replied, with that ironic tone that matched perfectly with her delicate and witty face.
“Where?”
“Where at?”
“At home.”
"At home."
“You know that I shouldn’t be able to sleep there.”
“You know I shouldn’t be able to sleep there.”
“Well, then, it won’t do for you to come and be pettish here because you have seen a man in my box.”
"Well, then, it’s not okay for you to come here and act all petty just because you saw a guy in my box."
“It is not for that reason.”
"That's not the reason."
“Yes, it is. I know; and you are wrong, so let us say no more about it. You will go back with Prudence after the theatre, and you will stay there till I call. Do you understand?”
“Yes, it is. I know; and you're mistaken, so let's not discuss it any further. You'll go back with Prudence after the theater, and you’ll stay there until I call for you. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
How could I disobey?
How could I not obey?
“You still love me?”
“Do you still love me?”
“Can you ask?”
"Can you check?"
“You have thought of me?”
“Have you thought of me?”
“All day long.”
"All day."
“Do you know that I am really afraid that I shall get very fond of you? Ask Prudence.”
“Do you know that I’m really worried I’ll get really attached to you? Ask Prudence.”
“Ah,” said she, “it is amazing!”
“Wow,” she said, “that’s amazing!”
“Now, you must go back to your seat. The count will be coming back, and there is nothing to be gained by his finding you here.”
“Now, you need to go back to your seat. The count will be returning, and there's no benefit in him seeing you here.”
“Because you don’t like seeing him.”
“Because you don’t want to see him.”
“No; only if you had told me that you wanted to come to the Vaudeville to-night I could have got this box for you as well as he.”
“No; if you had just told me that you wanted to go to the Vaudeville tonight, I could have gotten this box for you just like he did.”
“Unfortunately, he got it for me without my asking him, and he asked me to go with him; you know well enough that I couldn’t refuse. All I could do was to write and tell you where I was going, so that you could see me, and because I wanted to see you myself; but since this is the way you thank me, I shall profit by the lesson.”
“Unfortunately, he got it for me without me asking, and he invited me to go with him; you know I couldn’t say no. All I could do was write and let you know where I was heading, so you could visit me, and because I wanted to see you too; but since this is how you repay me, I’ll take it as a lesson learned.”
“I was wrong; forgive me.”
“I was wrong; please forgive me.”
“Well and good; and now go back nicely to your place, and, above all, no more jealousy.”
"Alright then; now head back to your spot, and most importantly, no more jealousy."
She kissed me again, and I left the box. In the passage I met the count coming back. I returned to my seat.
She kissed me again, and I left the box. In the hallway, I ran into the count as he was coming back. I went back to my seat.
After all, the presence of M. de G. in Marguerite’s box was the most natural thing in the world. He had been her lover, he sent her a box, he accompanied her to the theatre; it was all quite natural, and if I was to have a mistress like Marguerite I should have to get used to her ways.
After all, it was totally normal for M. de G. to be in Marguerite’s box. He had been her lover, he sent her a box, and he went with her to the theater; it all made perfect sense, and if I were to have a mistress like Marguerite, I would need to get used to her ways.
Nonetheless, I was very unhappy all the rest of the evening, and went away very sadly after having seen Prudence, the count, and Marguerite get into the carriage, which was waiting for them at the door.
Nonetheless, I was really unhappy for the rest of the evening and left feeling very sad after watching Prudence, the count, and Marguerite get into the carriage that was waiting for them at the door.
However, a quarter of an hour later I was at Prudence’s. She had only just got in.
However, fifteen minutes later I was at Prudence’s. She had just arrived.
Chapter XIII
“You have come almost as quickly as we,” said Prudence.
“You arrived almost as quickly as we did,” Prudence said.
“Yes,” I answered mechanically. “Where is Marguerite?”
“Yes,” I replied automatically. “Where's Marguerite?”
“At home.”
"At home."
“Alone?”
"By yourself?"
“With M. de G.”
“With M. de G.”
I walked to and fro in the room.
I walked back and forth in the room.
“Well, what is the matter?”
“What's the matter?”
“Do you think it amuses me to wait here till M. de G. leaves Marguerite’s?”
“Do you think it amuses me to wait here until M. de G. leaves Marguerite’s?”
“How unreasonable you are! Don’t you see that Marguerite can’t turn the count out of doors? M. de G. has been with her for a long time; he has always given her a lot of money; he still does. Marguerite spends more than a hundred thousand francs a year; she has heaps of debts. The duke gives her all that she asks for, but she does not always venture to ask him for all that she is in want of. It would never do for her to quarrel with the count, who is worth to her at least ten thousand francs a year. Marguerite is very fond of you, my dear fellow, but your liaison with her, in her interests and in yours, ought not to be serious. You with your seven or eight thousand francs a year, what could you do toward supplying all the luxuries which a girl like that is in need of? It would not be enough to keep her carriage. Take Marguerite for what she is, for a good, bright, pretty girl; be her lover for a month, two months; give her flowers, sweets, boxes at the theatre; but don’t get any other ideas into your head, and don’t make absurd scenes of jealousy. You know whom you have to do with; Marguerite isn’t a saint. She likes you, you are very fond of her; let the rest alone. You amaze me when I see you so touchy; you have the most charming mistress in Paris. She receives you in the greatest style, she is covered with diamonds, she needn’t cost you a penny, unless you like, and you are not satisfied. My dear fellow, you ask too much!”
“How unreasonable you are! Don’t you see that Marguerite can’t kick the count out? M. de G. has been with her for a long time; he’s always given her a lot of money, and he still does. Marguerite spends over a hundred thousand francs a year; she has tons of debt. The duke gives her everything she asks for, but she doesn’t always dare to ask for everything she needs. It wouldn’t be wise for her to have a falling out with the count, who brings her at least ten thousand francs a year. Marguerite really cares about you, my dear fellow, but your relationship with her, for her sake and yours, shouldn’t be too serious. With your seven or eight thousand francs a year, what could you possibly do to provide all the luxuries a girl like that requires? It wouldn’t even cover her carriage. Appreciate Marguerite for who she is, a good, bright, pretty girl; be her lover for a month, two months; give her flowers, sweets, theater tickets; but don’t get any other ideas in your head, and don’t create ridiculous scenes of jealousy. You know who you’re dealing with; Marguerite isn’t a saint. She likes you, you care for her; leave it at that. I’m amazed to see you so sensitive; you have the most charming mistress in Paris. She welcomes you in style, she’s adorned with diamonds, and she doesn’t have to cost you anything, unless you want her to, and you’re still not satisfied. My dear fellow, you’re asking for too much!”
“You are right, but I can’t help it; the idea that that man is her lover hurts me horribly.”
“You're right, but I can't help it; the thought of that man being her lover really hurts me.”
“In the first place,” replied Prudence; “is he still her lover? He is a man who is useful to her, nothing more. She has closed her doors to him for two days; he came this morning—she could not but accept the box and let him accompany her. He saw her home; he has gone in for a moment, he is not staying, because you are waiting here. All that, it seems to me, is quite natural. Besides, you don’t mind the duke.”
“In the first place,” replied Prudence, “is he still her boyfriend? He's just someone who's helpful to her, nothing more. She shut him out for two days; he came by this morning—she had to accept the box and let him walk with her. He saw her home; he came in for a moment, but he's not sticking around because you're waiting here. That all seems perfectly normal to me. Besides, you don’t mind the duke.”
“Yes; but he is an old man, and I am sure that Marguerite is not his mistress. Then, it is all very well to accept one liaison, but not two. Such easiness in the matter is very like calculation, and puts the man who consents to it, even out of love, very much in the category of those who, in a lower stage of society, make a trade of their connivance, and a profit of their trade.”
“Yes; but he’s an old man, and I’m sure that Marguerite isn’t his mistress. It’s fine to accept one affair, but not two. Being so easy about it feels a lot like calculation, and puts the man who agrees to it, even out of love, in the same category as those in a lower social class who make a living off their complicity and profit from it.”
“Ah, my dear fellow, how old-fashioned you are! How many of the richest and most fashionable men of the best families I have seen quite ready to do what I advise you to do, and without an effort, without shame, without remorse! Why, one sees it every day. How do you suppose the kept women in Paris could live in the style they do, if they had not three or four lovers at once? No single fortune, however large, could suffice for the expenses of a woman like Marguerite. A fortune of five hundred thousand francs a year is, in France, an enormous fortune; well, my dear friend, five hundred thousand francs a year would still be too little, and for this reason: a man with such an income has a large house, horses, servants, carriages; he shoots, has friends, often he is married, he has children, he races, gambles, travels, and what not. All these habits are so much a part of his position that he can not forego them without appearing to have lost all his money, and without causing scandal. Taking it all round, with five hundred thousand francs a year he can not give a woman more than forty or fifty thousand francs in the year, and that is already a good deal. Well, other lovers make up for the rest of her expenses. With Marguerite, it is still more convenient; she has chanced by a miracle on an old man worth ten millions, whose wife and daughter are dead; who has only some nephews, themselves rich, and who gives her all she wants without asking anything in return. But she can not ask him for more than seventy thousand francs a year; and I am sure that if she did ask for more, despite his health and the affection he has for her he would not give it to her.
“Ah, my friend, how outdated you are! So many of the wealthiest and most stylish guys from the best families I’ve seen are totally ready to do what I’m suggesting without hesitation, shame, or guilt! It happens all the time. How do you think the courtesans in Paris can live the way they do if they don't have three or four lovers at the same time? No single fortune, no matter how big, could cover the expenses of a woman like Marguerite. An income of five hundred thousand francs a year is considered a massive fortune in France; well, my dear friend, five hundred thousand francs a year would still be insufficient for this reason: a man with that income usually has a big house, horses, servants, carriages; he hunts, has friends, is often married, has kids, goes to the races, gambles, travels, and more. All these activities are integral to his lifestyle, and he can't give them up without seeming broke and causing a scandal. Overall, with five hundred thousand francs a year, he can’t give a woman more than forty or fifty thousand francs a year, which is already quite a bit. Well, other lovers make up the difference for her other expenses. With Marguerite, it’s even better; she’s miraculously found an old man worth ten million, whose wife and daughter have passed away; he only has some rich nephews, and he gives her everything she wants without asking for anything in return. But she can't ask him for more than seventy thousand francs a year; and I’m sure if she did try to ask for more, despite his health and the affection he has for her, he wouldn’t give it to her.”
“All the young men of twenty or thirty thousand francs a year at Paris, that is to say, men who have only just enough to live on in the society in which they mix, know perfectly well, when they are the lovers of a woman like Marguerite, that she could not so much as pay for the rooms she lives in and the servants who wait upon her with what they give her. They do not say to her that they know it; they pretend not to see anything, and when they have had enough of it they go their way. If they have the vanity to wish to pay for everything they get ruined, like the fools they are, and go and get killed in Africa, after leaving a hundred thousand francs of debt in Paris. Do you think a woman is grateful to them for it? Far from it. She declares that she has sacrificed her position for them, and that while she was with them she was losing money. These details seem to you shocking? Well, they are true. You are a very nice fellow; I like you very much. I have lived with these women for twenty years; I know what they are worth, and I don’t want to see you take the caprice that a pretty girl has for you too seriously.
“All the young men in Paris who earn twenty or thirty thousand francs a year—basically, guys who barely have enough to get by in the social circles they move in—know perfectly well that if they’re in a relationship with a woman like Marguerite, she can’t even afford the rooms she lives in or the servants who attend to her with what they give her. They don’t tell her they know this; they pretend not to notice anything, and when they’ve had their fill, they just walk away. If they’re arrogant enough to think they can pay for everything, they end up broke, like the fools they are, and might even get killed in Africa, leaving behind a hundred thousand francs of debt in Paris. Do you really think a woman is thankful for that? Not at all. She’ll say she sacrificed her position for them and that she was losing money while she was with them. Do you find these details shocking? Well, they’re true. You’re a really good guy; I like you a lot. I’ve been around these women for twenty years; I know what they’re like, and I don’t want you to take the fleeting interest that a pretty girl has in you too seriously.”
“Then, besides that,” continued Prudence; “admit that Marguerite loves you enough to give up the count or the duke, in case one of them were to discover your liaison and to tell her to choose between him and you, the sacrifice that she would make for you would be enormous, you can not deny it. What equal sacrifice could you make for her, on your part, and when you had got tired of her, what could you do to make up for what you had taken from her? Nothing. You would have cut her off from the world in which her fortune and her future were to be found; she would have given you her best years, and she would be forgotten. Either you would be an ordinary man, and, casting her past in her teeth, you would leave her, telling her that you were only doing like her other lovers, and you would abandon her to certain misery; or you would be an honest man, and, feeling bound to keep her by you, you would bring inevitable trouble upon yourself, for a liaison which is excusable in a young man, is no longer excusable in a man of middle age. It becomes an obstacle to every thing; it allows neither family nor ambition, man’s second and last loves. Believe me, then, my friend, take things for what they are worth, and do not give a kept woman the right to call herself your creditor, no matter in what.”
“Then, besides that,” Prudence continued, “consider that Marguerite loves you enough to walk away from the count or the duke if one of them found out about your affair and told her to choose between him and you. The sacrifice she would make for you would be huge, and you can’t deny it. What equal sacrifice could you make for her? And when you tire of her, how could you compensate for what you’ve taken from her? Nothing. You would have cut her off from the world where her wealth and future lay; she would have given you her best years, and she would be forgotten. Either you would be just an ordinary guy, and throwing her past in her face, you would leave her, saying you were just like her other lovers, abandoning her to certain misery; or you would be a decent man, feeling obligated to keep her with you, which would bring you inevitable trouble because a relationship that’s acceptable for a young man isn’t for a man in mid-life. It becomes an obstacle to everything; it allows for neither family nor ambition, which are a man’s second and last loves. Trust me, my friend, see things as they really are, and don’t let a kept woman think she has the right to call herself your creditor, no matter what.”
It was well argued, with a logic of which I should have thought Prudence incapable. I had nothing to reply, except that she was right; I took her hand and thanked her for her counsels.
It was a strong argument, with a logic I never would have thought Prudence capable of. I had no response, except to agree that she was right; I took her hand and thanked her for her advice.
“Come, come,” said she, “put these foolish theories to flight, and laugh over them. Life is pleasant, my dear fellow; it all depends on the colour of the glass through which one sees it. Ask your friend Gaston; there’s a man who seems to me to understand love as I understand it. All that you need think of, unless you are quite a fool, is that close by there is a beautiful girl who is waiting impatiently for the man who is with her to go, thinking of you, keeping the whole night for you, and who loves you, I am certain. Now, come to the window with me, and let us watch for the count to go; he won’t be long in leaving the coast clear.”
“Come on,” she said, “let's put these silly theories aside and laugh at them. Life is enjoyable, my dear friend; it all depends on the way you look at it. Ask your friend Gaston; he’s someone who understands love the way I do. All you really need to think about, unless you’re completely clueless, is that right nearby there’s a beautiful girl who’s eagerly waiting for her date to leave, thinking about you, saving the entire night for you, and I’m sure she loves you. Now, come to the window with me, and let’s watch for the count to leave; he won’t take long to clear out.”
Prudence opened the window, and we leaned side by side over the balcony. She watched the few passers, I reflected. All that she had said buzzed in my head, and I could not help feeling that she was right; but the genuine love which I had for Marguerite had some difficulty in accommodating itself to such a belief. I sighed from time to time, at which Prudence turned, and shrugged her shoulders like a physician who has given up his patient.
Prudence opened the window, and we leaned together over the balcony. She watched the few people passing by while I was lost in thought. Everything she had said bounced around in my mind, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was right; however, my real love for Marguerite struggled to fit with that idea. I sighed from time to time, prompting Prudence to turn and shrug her shoulders like a doctor who has given up on a patient.
“How one realizes the shortness of life,” I said to myself, “by the rapidity of sensations! I have only known Marguerite for two days, she has only been my mistress since yesterday, and she has already so completely absorbed my thoughts, my heart, and my life that the visit of the Comte de G. is a misfortune for me.”
“How quickly you realize how short life is,” I thought to myself, “based on how fast feelings change! I’ve only known Marguerite for two days; she’s only been my lover since yesterday, and she has already taken over my thoughts, my heart, and my life to the point that the visit from Comte de G. feels like a disaster for me.”
At last the count came out, got into his carriage and disappeared. Prudence closed the window. At the same instant Marguerite called to us:
At last, the count came outside, got into his carriage, and drove away. Prudence closed the window. At that moment, Marguerite called out to us:
“Come at once,” she said; “they are laying the table, and we’ll have supper.”
“Come right now,” she said; “they're setting the table, and we’ll have dinner.”
When I entered, Marguerite ran to me, threw her arms around my neck and kissed me with all her might.
When I walked in, Marguerite rushed over, wrapped her arms around my neck, and kissed me as hard as she could.
“Are we still sulky?” she said to me.
“Are we still being grumpy?” she asked me.
“No, it is all over,” replied Prudence. “I have given him a talking to, and he has promised to be reasonable.”
“No, it’s all done,” Prudence said. “I had a serious talk with him, and he promised to be more reasonable.”
“Well and good.”
"Sounds good."
In spite of myself I glanced at the bed; it was not unmade. As for Marguerite, she was already in her white dressing-gown. We sat down to table.
In spite of myself, I looked at the bed; it was not unmade. As for Marguerite, she was already in her white bathrobe. We sat down at the table.
Charm, sweetness, spontaneity, Marguerite had them all, and I was forced from time to time to admit that I had no right to ask of her anything else; that many people would be very happy to be in my place; and that, like Virgil’s shepherd, I had only to enjoy the pleasures that a god, or rather a goddess, set before me.
Charm, sweetness, spontaneity—Marguerite had it all, and I had to admit from time to time that I had no right to expect anything more from her; that many people would be very happy to be in my position; and that, like Virgil’s shepherd, I just had to enjoy the pleasures that a god, or rather a goddess, placed before me.
I tried to put in practice the theories of Prudence, and to be as gay as my two companions; but what was natural in them was on my part an effort, and the nervous laughter, whose source they did not detect, was nearer to tears than to mirth.
I tried to put Prudence's theories into practice and to be as cheerful as my two friends, but what came naturally to them felt like a struggle for me. The nervous laughter, which they didn't realize came from me, was closer to tears than to joy.
At last the supper was over and I was alone with Marguerite. She sat down as usual on the hearthrug before the fire and gazed sadly into the flames. What was she thinking of? I know not. As for me, I looked at her with a mingling of love and terror, as I thought of all that I was ready to suffer for her sake.
At last, dinner was over and I was alone with Marguerite. She settled down as usual on the rug in front of the fire and stared sadly into the flames. What was on her mind? I couldn't say. As for me, I watched her with a mix of love and fear, thinking about everything I was willing to endure for her.
“Do you know what I am thinking of?”
“Do you know what I'm thinking about?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Of a plan that has come into my head.”
"About a plan that I thought of."
“And what is this plan?”
“What’s the plan?”
“I can’t tell you yet, but I can tell you what the result would be. The result would be that in a month I should be free, I should have no more debts, and we could go and spend the summer in the country.”
“I can’t tell you yet, but I can tell you what the outcome would be. The outcome would be that in a month I should be free, I should have no more debts, and we could go and spend the summer in the countryside.”
“And you can’t tell me by what means?”
“And you can’t tell me how?”
“No, only love me as I love you, and all will succeed.”
“Just love me the way I love you, and everything will work out.”
“And have you made this plan all by yourself?”
“And did you come up with this plan on your own?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“And you will carry it out all by yourself?”
“And you're going to do it all on your own?”
“I alone shall have the trouble of it,” said Marguerite, with a smile which I shall never forget, “but we shall both partake its benefits.”
“I'll handle the trouble myself,” said Marguerite, with a smile I’ll never forget, “but we’ll both enjoy the benefits.”
I could not help flushing at the word benefits; I thought of Manon Lescaut squandering with Desgrieux the money of M. de B.
I couldn't help blushing at the word benefits; I thought of Manon Lescaut wasting M. de B.'s money with Desgrieux.
I replied in a hard voice, rising from my seat:
I answered in a harsh tone, getting up from my chair:
“You must permit me, my dear Marguerite, to share only the benefits of those enterprises which I have conceived and carried out myself.”
“You have to let me, my dear Marguerite, enjoy only the rewards of the projects that I have thought of and completed by myself.”
“What does that mean?”
"What does that mean?"
“It means that I have a strong suspicion that M. de G. is to be your associate in this pretty plan, of which I can accept neither the cost nor the benefits.”
“It means that I have a strong suspicion that M. de G. is going to be your partner in this nice plan, of which I can accept neither the costs nor the benefits.”
“What a child you are! I thought you loved me. I was mistaken; all right.”
“What a kid you are! I thought you loved me. I was wrong, okay.”
She rose, opened the piano and began to play the “Invitation à la Valse”, as far as the famous passage in the major which always stopped her. Was it through force of habit, or was it to remind me of the day when we first met? All I know is that the melody brought back that recollection, and, coming up to her, I took her head between my hands and kissed her. “You forgive me?” I said.
She got up, opened the piano, and started playing the “Invitation à la Valse,” stopping at the well-known passage in the major that always paused her. Was it just a habit, or was she trying to jog my memory of the day we first met? All I know is that the melody brought that memory back, and as I walked over to her, I held her head in my hands and kissed her. “You forgive me?” I asked.
“You see I do,” she answered; “but observe that we are only at our second day, and already I have had to forgive you something. Is this how you keep your promise of blind obedience?”
“You see I do,” she replied; “but keep in mind that we’re only on our second day, and I’ve already had to forgive you for something. Is this how you uphold your promise of complete obedience?”
“What can I do, Marguerite? I love you too much and I am jealous of the least of your thoughts. What you proposed to me just now made me frantic with delight, but the mystery in its carrying out hurts me dreadfully.”
“What can I do, Marguerite? I love you too much and I’m jealous of even your slightest thoughts. What you just suggested filled me with joy, but the uncertainty in making it happen is really painful for me.”
“Come, let us reason it out,” she said, taking both my hands and looking at me with a charming smile which it was impossible to resist, “You love me, do you not? and you would gladly spend two or three months alone with me in the country? I too should be glad of this solitude à deux, and not only glad of it, but my health requires it. I can not leave Paris for such a length of time without putting my affairs in order, and the affairs of a woman like me are always in great confusion; well, I have found a way to reconcile everything, my money affairs and my love for you; yes, for you, don’t laugh; I am silly enough to love you! And here you are taking lordly airs and talking big words. Child, thrice child, only remember that I love you, and don’t let anything disturb you. Now, is it agreed?”
“Come, let’s figure this out,” she said, holding both my hands and looking at me with a charming smile that was impossible to resist. “You love me, don’t you? And you’d be happy to spend two or three months alone with me in the countryside? I would also love this solitude à deux, not only because I want it, but my health depends on it. I can’t leave Paris for that long without getting my affairs in order, and the affairs of a woman like me are always a bit chaotic. Well, I’ve found a way to balance everything—my finances and my love for you; yes, for you, don’t laugh; I’m silly enough to love you! And here you are acting all high and mighty and using big words. Sweetheart, dear sweetheart, just remember that I love you, and don’t let anything upset you. So, is it a deal?”
“I agree to all you wish, as you know.”
“I agree to everything you want, as you know.”
“Then, in less than a month’s time we shall be in some village, walking by the river side, and drinking milk. Does it seem strange that Marguerite Gautier should speak to you like that? The fact is, my friend, that when this Paris life, which seems to make me so happy, doesn’t burn me, it wearies me, and then I have sudden aspirations toward a calmer existence which might recall my childhood. One has always had a childhood, whatever one becomes. Don’t be alarmed; I am not going to tell you that I am the daughter of a colonel on half-pay, and that I was brought up at Saint-Denis. I am a poor country girl, and six years ago I could not write my own name. You are relieved, aren’t you? Why is it you are the first whom I have ever asked to share the joy of this desire of mine? I suppose because I feel that you love me for myself and not for yourself, while all the others have only loved me for themselves.
“Then, in less than a month, we’ll be in some village, walking by the river and drinking milk. Does it seem strange that Marguerite Gautier would talk to you like this? The truth is, my friend, when this Paris life that seems to make me so happy doesn’t exhaust me, it tires me out, and then I suddenly yearn for a calmer life that might bring back memories of my childhood. Everyone has a childhood, no matter what they become. Don’t worry; I’m not going to tell you that I’m the daughter of a retired colonel and that I grew up in Saint-Denis. I’m just a poor country girl, and six years ago I couldn’t even write my own name. You’re relieved, right? Why is it that you’re the first person I’ve ever asked to share this joy with me? I guess it’s because I sense that you love me for who I am, not for who you are, while everyone else has only loved me for their own reasons.”
“I have often been in the country, but never as I should like to go there. I count on you for this easy happiness; do not be unkind, let me have it. Say this to yourself: ‘She will never live to be old, and I should some day be sorry for not having done for her the first thing she asked of me, such an easy thing to do!’”
“I've spent a lot of time in the countryside, but never in the way I'd really like to. I’m counting on you for this simple happiness; please don’t be unkind, let me have it. Remind yourself: ‘She won’t live to be old, and I’d regret not doing the first thing she asked of me, which is such an easy thing to do!’”
What could I reply to such words, especially with the memory of a first night of love, and in the expectation of a second?
What could I say in response to those words, especially with the memory of our first night together and hoping for a second?
An hour later I held Marguerite in my arms, and, if she had asked me to commit a crime, I would have obeyed her.
An hour later, I had Marguerite in my arms, and if she had asked me to do something illegal, I would have gone along with it.
At six in the morning I left her, and before leaving her I said: “Till to-night!” She kissed me more warmly than ever, but said nothing.
At six in the morning, I left her, and before I went, I said, “See you tonight!” She kissed me more passionately than ever but didn’t say anything.
During the day I received a note containing these words:
During the day, I got a note with these words:
“DEAR CHILD: I am not very well, and the doctor has ordered quiet. I shall go to bed early to-night and shall not see you. But, to make up, I shall expect you to-morrow at twelve. I love you.”
“DEAR CHILD: I’m not feeling well, and the doctor has advised me to rest. I’ll be going to bed early tonight and won’t see you. But to make up for it, I expect you tomorrow at noon. I love you.”
My first thought was: She is deceiving me!
My first thought was: She's tricking me!
A cold sweat broke out on my forehead, for I already loved this woman too much not to be overwhelmed by the suspicion. And yet, I was bound to expect such a thing almost any day with Marguerite, and it had happened to me often enough with my other mistresses, without my taking much notice of it. What was the meaning of the hold which this woman had taken upon my life?
A cold sweat formed on my forehead because I loved this woman too much not to be consumed by suspicion. Still, I knew I could expect this kind of thing almost any day with Marguerite, and it had happened to me often enough with my other lovers without me really paying much attention to it. What did it mean that this woman had such a grip on my life?
Then it occurred to me, since I had the key, to go and see her as usual. In this way I should soon know the truth, and if I found a man there I would strike him in the face.
Then it occurred to me, since I had the key, to go and see her like I usually do. This way, I’d soon know the truth, and if I found a guy there, I would punch him in the face.
Meanwhile I went to the Champs-Elysées. I waited there four hours. She did not appear. At night I went into all the theatres where she was accustomed to go. She was in none of them.
Meanwhile, I went to the Champs-Elysées. I waited there for four hours. She didn’t show up. At night, I went into all the theaters where she usually went. She wasn’t in any of them.
At eleven o’clock I went to the Rue d’Antin. There was no light in Marguerite’s windows. All the same, I rang. The porter asked me where I was going.
At eleven o’clock, I went to Rue d’Antin. There were no lights on in Marguerite’s windows. Still, I rang the bell. The doorman asked me where I was headed.
“To Mlle. Gautier’s,” I said.
“To Mlle. Gautier’s,” I said.
“She has not come in.”
"She hasn't come in."
“I will go up and wait for her.”
“I'll go up and wait for her.”
“There is no one there.”
"No one's there."
Evidently I could get in, since I had the key, but, fearing foolish scandal, I went away. Only I did not return home; I could not leave the street, and I never took my eyes off Marguerite’s house. It seemed to me that there was still something to be found out, or at least that my suspicions were about to be confirmed.
Evidently, I could get in since I had the key, but, worried about causing a scene, I walked away. I didn’t go home; I couldn’t leave the street, and I kept my eyes on Marguerite’s house. It felt like there was still something to discover, or at least that my suspicions were about to be confirmed.
About midnight a carriage that I knew well stopped before No. 9. The Comte de G. got down and entered the house, after sending away the carriage. For a moment I hoped that the same answer would be given to him as to me, and that I should see him come out; but at four o’clock in the morning I was still awaiting him.
About midnight, a carriage I recognized pulled up in front of No. 9. The Comte de G. got out and went inside, sending the carriage away. For a moment, I hoped he would receive the same response I did and that I would see him come back out; but by four in the morning, I was still waiting for him.
I have suffered deeply during these last three weeks, but that is nothing, I think, in comparison with what I suffered that night.
I’ve been through a lot in the last three weeks, but I believe it’s nothing compared to what I experienced that night.
Chapter XIV
When I reached home I began to cry like a child. There is no man to whom a woman has not been unfaithful, once at least, and who will not know what I suffered.
When I got home, I started crying like a kid. There isn't a man out there who hasn't been cheated on by a woman at least once, and they all know what I've been through.
I said to myself, under the weight of these feverish resolutions which one always feels as if one had the force to carry out, that I must break with my amour at once, and I waited impatiently for daylight in order to set out forthwith to rejoin my father and my sister, of whose love at least I was certain, and certain that that love would never be betrayed.
I told myself, feeling overwhelmed by these intense decisions that I always thought I had the strength to follow through on, that I needed to end my relationship immediately. I waited anxiously for morning so I could head back to my dad and sister, whose love I was sure of, and I knew that love would never let me down.
However, I did not wish to go away without letting Marguerite know why I went. Only a man who really cares no more for his mistress leaves her without writing to her. I made and remade twenty letters in my head. I had had to do with a woman like all other women of the kind. I had been poetizing too much. She had treated me like a school-boy, she had used in deceiving me a trick which was insultingly simple. My self-esteem got the upper hand. I must leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she had made me suffer, and this is what I wrote to her in my most elegant handwriting and with tears of rage and sorrow in my eyes:
However, I didn’t want to leave without letting Marguerite know why I was going. Only someone who truly doesn’t care about their partner would leave without sending a message. I drafted and redrafted twenty letters in my mind. I had dealt with a woman just like all the others. I had been romanticizing too much. She had treated me like a schoolboy, using a trick to deceive me that was insultingly simple. My pride took over. I needed to leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of knowing she had hurt me, and this is what I wrote to her in my most elegant handwriting, with tears of anger and sadness in my eyes:
“MY DEAR MARGUERITE: I hope that your indisposition yesterday was not serious. I came, at eleven at night, to ask after you, and was told that you had not come in. M. de G. was more fortunate, for he presented himself shortly afterward, and at four in the morning he had not left.
“MY DEAR MARGUERITE: I hope that your illness yesterday wasn’t serious. I came by at eleven at night to check on you, and I was told you hadn't returned. M. de G. had better luck, as he showed up shortly after and hadn’t left by four in the morning.”
“Forgive me for the few tedious hours that I have given you, and be assured that I shall never forget the happy moments which I owe to you.
"Please forgive me for the few boring hours I've taken from you, and know that I will always remember the joyful moments I owe to you."
“I should have called to-day to ask after you, but I intend going back to my father’s.
“I should have called today to check on you, but I'm planning to go back to my dad's.”
“Good-bye, my dear Marguerite. I am not rich enough to love you as I would nor poor enough to love you as you would. Let us then forget, you a name which must be indifferent enough to you, I a happiness which has become impossible.
“Goodbye, my dear Marguerite. I’m not wealthy enough to love you the way I want, nor am I poor enough to love you the way you want. So let’s forget—it’s a name that probably doesn’t mean much to you, and I’m a happiness that has become impossible.”
“I send back your key, which I have never used, and which might be useful to you, if you are often ill as you were yesterday.”
“I’m returning your key, which I’ve never used, and which might come in handy for you, especially if you’re often unwell like you were yesterday.”
As you will see, I was unable to end my letter without a touch of impertinent irony, which proved how much in love I still was.
As you can see, I couldn't finish my letter without a hint of cheeky irony, which showed just how in love I still was.
I read and reread this letter ten times over; then the thought of the pain it would give to Marguerite calmed me a little. I tried to persuade myself of the feelings which it professed; and when my servant came to my room at eight o’clock, I gave it to him and told him to take it at once.
I read and re-read this letter ten times; then the thought of the pain it would cause Marguerite calmed me a bit. I tried to convince myself of the feelings it expressed; and when my servant came to my room at eight o’clock, I handed it to him and told him to deliver it right away.
“Shall I wait for an answer?” asked Joseph (my servant, like all servants, was called Joseph).
“Should I wait for a response?” asked Joseph (my servant, like all servants, was named Joseph).
“If they ask whether there is a reply, you will say that you don’t know, and wait.”
“If they ask if there’s a reply, you’ll say you don’t know and wait.”
I buoyed myself up with the hope that she would reply. Poor, feeble creatures that we are! All the time that my servant was away I was in a state of extreme agitation. At one moment I would recall how Marguerite had given herself to me, and ask myself by what right I wrote her an impertinent letter, when she could reply that it was not M. de G. who supplanted me, but I who had supplanted M. de G.: a mode of reasoning which permits many women to have many lovers. At another moment I would recall her promises, and endeavour to convince myself that my letter was only too gentle, and that there were not expressions forcible enough to punish a woman who laughed at a love like mine. Then I said to myself that I should have done better not to have written to her, but to have gone to see her, and that then I should have had the pleasure of seeing the tears that she would shed. Finally, I asked myself what she would reply to me; already prepared to believe whatever excuse she made.
I lifted my spirits with the hope that she would respond. Poor, weak beings that we are! The entire time my servant was away, I was extremely agitated. At one moment, I would remember how Marguerite had given herself to me and question what right I had to write her a rude letter when she could easily say that it wasn’t M. de G. who replaced me, but I who replaced M. de G.: a line of thinking that allows many women to have multiple lovers. In another moment, I would remind myself of her promises and try to convince myself that my letter was far too mild and that there weren’t strong enough words to punish a woman who mocked a love like mine. Then I thought I should have done better by not writing to her at all, but going to see her instead, where I could have enjoyed the sight of her tears. Finally, I wondered what she would say to me; I was already prepared to believe any excuse she came up with.
Joseph returned.
Joseph is back.
“Well?” I said to him.
"Well?" I said to him.
“Sir,” said he, “madame was not up, and still asleep, but as soon as she rings the letter will be taken to her, and if there is any reply it will be sent.”
“Sir,” he said, “the lady isn’t up yet and is still asleep, but as soon as she rings, the letter will be delivered to her, and if there’s a reply, it will be sent.”
She was asleep!
She was sleeping!
Twenty times I was on the point of sending to get the letter back, but every time I said to myself: “Perhaps she will have got it already, and it would look as if I have repented of sending it.”
Twenty times I was about to ask for the letter back, but each time I told myself, “Maybe she already received it, and it would seem like I regretted sending it.”
As the hour at which it seemed likely that she would reply came nearer, I regretted more and more that I had written. The clock struck, ten, eleven, twelve. At twelve I was on the point of keeping the appointment as if nothing had happened. In the end I could see no way out of the circle of fire which closed upon me.
As the time when I expected her to respond got closer, I started to regret writing to her more and more. The clock struck ten, eleven, and then twelve. By midnight, I was about to go ahead with the appointment as if nothing had happened. Ultimately, I felt trapped in the fiery situation surrounding me.
Then I began to believe, with the superstition which people have when they are waiting, that if I went out for a little while, I should find an answer when I got back. I went out under the pretext of going to lunch.
Then I started to think, with that superstitious feeling people get when they're waiting, that if I stepped out for a bit, I would find an answer when I returned. I went out pretending I was going to grab lunch.
Instead of lunching at the Café Foy, at the corner of the Boulevard, as I usually did, I preferred to go to the Palais Royal and so pass through the Rue d’Antin. Every time that I saw a woman at a distance, I fancied it was Nanine bringing me an answer. I passed through the Rue d’Antin without even coming across a commissionaire. I went to Very’s in the Palais Royal. The waiter gave me something to eat, or rather served up to me whatever he liked, for I ate nothing. In spite of myself, my eyes were constantly fixed on the clock. I returned home, certain that I should find a letter from Marguerite.
Instead of having lunch at Café Foy, like I usually did, I decided to go to the Palais Royal and take the Rue d’Antin. Every time I spotted a woman in the distance, I imagined it was Nanine coming with a reply. I walked through the Rue d’Antin without running into a single doorman. I went to Very’s in the Palais Royal. The waiter brought me something to eat, or rather served whatever he wanted, since I ate nothing. Despite myself, my eyes kept drifting to the clock. I went home, sure that I would find a letter from Marguerite.
The porter had received nothing, but I still hoped in my servant. He had seen no one since I went out.
The porter hadn't received anything, but I still had faith in my servant. He hadn't seen anyone since I left.
If Marguerite had been going to answer me she would have answered long before.
If Marguerite was going to respond to me, she would have done so a long time ago.
Then I began to regret the terms of my letter; I should have said absolutely nothing, and that would undoubtedly have aroused her suspicions, for, finding that I did not keep my appointment, she would have inquired the reason of my absence, and only then I should have given it to her. Thus, she would have had to exculpate herself, and what I wanted was for her to exculpate herself. I already realized that I should have believed whatever reasons she had given me, and anything was better than not to see her again.
Then I started to regret what I wrote in my letter; I should have said nothing at all, which would have definitely made her suspicious. Since I missed our appointment, she would have asked why I wasn't there, and only then would I have explained it to her. This way, she would have had to clear herself, and that’s exactly what I wanted her to do. I already understood that I should have believed any reasons she had given me because anything was better than not seeing her again.
At last I began to believe that she would come to see me herself; but hour followed hour, and she did not come.
At last, I started to believe that she would come to see me in person; but hour after hour passed, and she still didn’t show up.
Decidedly Marguerite was not like other women, for there are few who would have received such a letter as I had just written without answering it at all.
Decidedly, Marguerite was unlike other women, as few would have gotten a letter like the one I just wrote and not responded at all.
At five, I hastened to the Champs-Elysées. “If I meet her,” I thought, “I will put on an indifferent air, and she will be convinced that I no longer think about her.”
At five, I rushed to the Champs-Elysées. “If I run into her,” I thought, “I’ll act like I don’t care, and she’ll believe that I’ve moved on.”
As I turned the corner of the Rue Royale, I saw her pass in her carriage. The meeting was so sudden that I turned pale. I do not know if she saw my emotion; as for me, I was so agitated that I saw nothing but the carriage.
As I turned the corner of Rue Royale, I saw her pass in her carriage. The encounter was so unexpected that I went pale. I’m not sure if she noticed my reaction; for my part, I was so worked up that I could only see the carriage.
I did not go any farther in the direction of the Champs-Elysées. I looked at the advertisements of the theatres, for I had still a chance of seeing her. There was a first night at the Palais Royal. Marguerite was sure to be there. I was at the theatre by seven. The boxes filled one after another, but Marguerite was not there. I left the Palais Royal and went to all the theatres where she was most often to be seen: to the Vaudeville, the Variétés, the Opera Comique. She was nowhere.
I didn't go any further toward the Champs-Elysées. I checked out the theater advertisements because I still had a chance of seeing her. There was a premiere at the Palais Royal, and Marguerite was sure to be there. I arrived at the theater by seven. The boxes filled up one after another, but Marguerite wasn’t there. I left the Palais Royal and went to all the theaters where she usually appeared: the Vaudeville, the Variétés, the Opera Comique. She was nowhere to be found.
Either my letter had troubled her too much for her to care to go to the theatre, or she feared to come across me, and so wished to avoid an explanation. So my vanity was whispering to me on the boulevards, when I met Gaston, who asked me where I had been.
Either my letter had upset her too much for her to want to go to the theater, or she was afraid of running into me and wanted to avoid an explanation. So my vanity was whispering to me on the boulevards when I ran into Gaston, who asked me where I had been.
“At the Palais Royal.”
“At the Royal Palace.”
“And I at the Opera,” said he; “I expected to see you there.”
“And I was at the Opera,” he said; “I thought I would see you there.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because Marguerite was there.”
“Because Marguerite was present.”
“Ah, she was there?”
"Wait, she was there?"
“Yes.
"Yep."
“Alone?”
"By yourself?"
“No; with another woman.”
“No; with someone else.”
“That all?”
"Is that it?"
“The Comte de G. came to her box for an instant; but she went off with the duke. I expected to see you every moment, for there was a stall at my side which remained empty the whole evening, and I was sure you had taken it.”
“The Comte de G. stopped by her box for a moment, but she left with the duke. I was expecting to see you at any moment since there was an empty seat right next to me the entire evening, and I was sure you had taken it.”
“But why should I go where Marguerite goes?”
“But why should I go where Marguerite is going?”
“Because you are her lover, surely!”
"Because you're obviously her lover!"
“Who told you that?”
“Who said that to you?”
“Prudence, whom I met yesterday. I give you my congratulations, my dear fellow; she is a charming mistress, and it isn’t everybody who has the chance. Stick to her; she will do you credit.”
“Prudence, whom I met yesterday. I congratulate you, my friend; she is a lovely partner, and not everyone gets that opportunity. Hold on to her; she will reflect well on you.”
These simple reflections of Gaston showed me how absurd had been my susceptibilities. If I had only met him the night before and he had spoken to me like that, I should certainly not have written the foolish letter which I had written.
These simple thoughts from Gaston made me realize how ridiculous my sensitivities had been. If I had just met him the night before and he had talked to me like that, I definitely wouldn’t have written the silly letter that I did.
I was on the point of calling on Prudence, and of sending her to tell Marguerite that I wanted to speak to her; but I feared that she would revenge herself on me by saying that she could not see me, and I returned home, after passing through the Rue d’Antin. Again I asked my porter if there was a letter for me. Nothing! She is waiting to see if I shall take some fresh step, and if I retract my letter of to-day, I said to myself as I went to bed; but, seeing that I do not write, she will write to me to-morrow.
I was about to ask Prudence to let Marguerite know that I wanted to talk to her, but I was worried that she might get back at me by saying Marguerite couldn't see me. So, I went home after walking through Rue d’Antin. Again, I asked my porter if I had any letters. Nothing! She's just waiting to see if I take any new steps, and I told myself that if I don't write, she'll write to me tomorrow.
That night, more than ever, I reproached myself for what I had done. I was alone, unable to sleep, devoured by restlessness and jealousy, when by simply letting things take their natural course I should have been with Marguerite, hearing the delicious words which I had heard only twice, and which made my ears burn in my solitude.
That night, more than ever, I blamed myself for what I had done. I was alone, unable to sleep, consumed by restlessness and jealousy, when I could have simply let things unfold naturally and been with Marguerite, hearing the sweet words I had only heard twice, which made my ears burn in my solitude.
The most frightful part of the situation was that my judgment was against me; as a matter of fact, everything went to prove that Marguerite loved me. First, her proposal to spend the summer with me in the country, then the certainty that there was no reason why she should be my mistress, since my income was insufficient for her needs and even for her caprices. There could not then have been on her part anything but the hope of finding in me a sincere affection, able to give her rest from the mercenary loves in whose midst she lived; and on the very second day I had destroyed this hope, and paid by impertinent irony for the love which I had accepted during two nights. What I had done was therefore not merely ridiculous, it was indelicate. I had not even paid the woman, that I might have some right to find fault with her; withdrawing after two days, was I not like a parasite of love, afraid of having to pay the bill of the banquet? What! I had only known Marguerite for thirty-six hours; I had been her lover for only twenty-four; and instead of being too happy that she should grant me all that she did, I wanted to have her all to myself, and to make her sever at one stroke all her past relations which were the revenue of her future. What had I to reproach in her? Nothing. She had written to say she was unwell, when she might have said to me quite crudely, with the hideous frankness of certain women, that she had to see a lover; and, instead of believing her letter, instead of going to any street in Paris except the Rue d’Antin, instead of spending the evening with my friends, and presenting myself next day at the appointed hour, I was acting the Othello, spying upon her, and thinking to punish her by seeing her no more. But, on the contrary, she ought to be enchanted at this separation. She ought to find me supremely foolish, and her silence was not even that of rancour; it was contempt.
The most frightening part of the situation was that my judgment was against me; everything indicated that Marguerite loved me. First, her suggestion to spend the summer with me in the countryside, then the clear fact that there was no reason for her to be my mistress since my income was not enough to meet her needs or even her whims. It’s clear she must have hoped to find in me a genuine affection that could provide her with a break from the transactional relationships she was surrounded by; and just two days in, I had destroyed that hope, paying for the love I had accepted over two nights with rude sarcasm. What I did was not just foolish; it was disrespectful. I hadn’t even compensated her, which would have given me some right to criticize her; leaving after just two days made me seem like a love parasite, afraid of having to cover the cost of the feast. What! I had only known Marguerite for thirty-six hours; I had been her lover for just twenty-four; and instead of being grateful that she gave me what she did, I wanted her all to myself and expected her to cut ties with her past relationships that supported her future. What did I have to blame her for? Nothing. She had written to say she was unwell when she could have bluntly told me she had to see another lover; and rather than believing her letter, instead of going anywhere in Paris but Rue d’Antin, instead of spending the evening with my friends and showing up the next day at the planned time, I was playing Othello, spying on her, thinking I’d punish her by cutting her off. But really, she should have been thrilled with this separation. She should have found me utterly ridiculous, and her silence wasn’t even out of bitterness; it was disdain.
I might have made Marguerite a present which would leave no doubt as to my generosity and permit me to feel properly quits of her, as of a kept woman, but I should have felt that I was offending by the least appearance of trafficking, if not the love which she had for me, at all events the love which I had for her, and since this love was so pure that it could admit no division, it could not pay by a present, however generous, the happiness that it had received, however short that happiness had been.
I can
That is what I said to myself all night long, and what I was every moment prepared to go and say to Marguerite. When the day dawned I was still sleepless. I was in a fever. I could think of nothing but Marguerite.
That’s what I kept telling myself all night, and it’s what I was ready to tell Marguerite at any moment. When the day broke, I was still awake. I was restless. I could think of nothing but Marguerite.
As you can imagine, it was time to take a decided step, and finish either with the woman or with one’s scruples, if, that is, she would still be willing to see me. But you know well, one is always slow in taking a decided step; so, unable to remain within doors and not daring to call on Marguerite, I made one attempt in her direction, an attempt that I could always look upon as a mere chance if it succeeded.
As you can imagine, it was time to make a clear decision and either end things with the woman or with my doubts, if she would still be willing to see me. But you know how it is; we always hesitate to make a clear decision. So, not wanting to stay indoors and too anxious to visit Marguerite, I took one shot at reaching out to her, something I could always justify as just a coincidence if it worked out.
It was nine o’clock, and I went at once to call upon Prudence, who asked to what she owed this early visit. I dared not tell her frankly what brought me. I replied that I had gone out early in order to reserve a place in the diligence for C., where my father lived.
It was nine o’clock, and I immediately went to see Prudence, who asked why I was visiting so early. I didn’t have the courage to tell her the real reason for my visit. Instead, I said I had gone out early to book a spot on the stagecoach for C., where my father lived.
“You are fortunate,” she said, “in being able to get away from Paris in this fine weather.”
“You're lucky,” she said, “to be able to escape from Paris in this nice weather.”
I looked at Prudence, asking myself whether she was laughing at me, but her face was quite serious.
I looked at Prudence, wondering if she was laughing at me, but her face was completely serious.
“Shall you go and say good-bye to Marguerite?” she continued, as seriously as before.
“Are you going to say goodbye to Marguerite?” she continued, just as seriously as before.
“No.”
“No.”
“You are quite right.”
“You're absolutely correct.”
“You think so?”
“Do you think so?”
“Naturally. Since you have broken with her, why should you see her again?”
"Of course. Since you’ve ended things with her, why would you see her again?"
“You know it is broken off?”
"Did you know it's broken?"
“She showed me your letter.”
"She showed me your message."
“What did she say about it?”
"What did she say about it?"
“She said: ‘My dear Prudence, your protégé is not polite; one thinks such letters, one does not write them.”’
“She said: ‘My dear Prudence, your protégé is not polite; one thinks of such letters, one does not write them.’”
“In what tone did she say that?”
“In what tone did she say that?”
“Laughingly,” and she added: “He has had supper with me twice, and hasn’t even called.”
“Laughing,” she added: “He’s had dinner with me twice, and hasn’t even called.”
That, then, was the effect produced by my letter and my jealousy. I was cruelly humiliated in the vanity of my affection.
That was the impact of my letter and my jealousy. I felt severely humiliated in my pride over my feelings.
“What did she do last night?”
“What did she do last night?”
“She went to the opera.”
“She went to the show.”
“I know. And afterward?”
"I know. Then what?"
“She had supper at home.”
“She had dinner at home.”
“Alone?”
"By yourself?"
“With the Comte de G., I believe.”
“With the Count de G., I think.”
So my breaking with her had not changed one of her habits. It is for such reasons as this that certain people say to you: Don’t have anything more to do with the woman; she cares nothing about you.
So my breakup with her didn't change any of her habits. It's for reasons like this that some people tell you: Don't have anything more to do with that woman; she doesn't care about you at all.
“Well, I am very glad to find that Marguerite does not put herself out for me,” I said with a forced smile.
“Well, I’m really glad to see that Marguerite isn’t going out of her way for me,” I said with a strained smile.
“She has very good reason not to. You have done what you were bound to do. You have been more reasonable than she, for she was really in love with you; she did nothing but talk of you. I don’t know what she would not have been capable of doing.”
“She has every reason not to. You did what you were supposed to do. You’ve been more sensible than she has, because she was truly in love with you; all she did was talk about you. I can’t imagine what she wouldn’t have been willing to do.”
“Why hasn’t she answered me, if she was in love with me?”
“Why hasn’t she replied to me if she was in love with me?”
“Because she realizes she was mistaken in letting herself love you. Women sometimes allow you to be unfaithful to their love; they never allow you to wound their self-esteem; and one always wounds the self-esteem of a woman when, two days after one has become her lover, one leaves her, no matter for what reason. I know Marguerite; she would die sooner than reply.”
“Because she understands she was wrong to let herself love you. Women sometimes let you be unfaithful to their love; they never let you hurt their self-esteem; and you always hurt a woman's self-esteem when, two days after becoming her lover, you leave her, no matter the reason. I know Marguerite; she would rather die than respond.”
“What can I do, then?”
“What should I do now?”
“Nothing. She will forget you, you will forget her, and neither will have any reproach to make against the other.”
“Nothing. She’ll forget you, you’ll forget her, and neither of you will have any regret towards the other.”
“But if I write and ask her forgiveness?”
“But what if I write to her and ask for her forgiveness?”
“Don’t do that, for she would forgive you.”
"Don't do that, because she would forgive you."
I could have flung my arms round Prudence’s neck.
I could have thrown my arms around Prudence's neck.
A quarter of an hour later I was once more in my own quarters, and I wrote to Marguerite:
A little while later, I was back in my own room, and I wrote to Marguerite:
“Some one, who repents of a letter that he wrote yesterday and who will leave Paris to-morrow if you do not forgive him, wishes to know at what hour he might lay his repentance at your feet.
“Someone who regrets a letter he wrote yesterday and is leaving Paris tomorrow if you don’t forgive him wants to know what time he can offer his apology to you.”
“When can he find you alone? for, you know, confessions must be made without witnesses.”
“When can he find you by yourself? Because, you know, confessions need to be made without anyone else around.”
I folded this kind of madrigal in prose, and sent it by Joseph, who handed it to Marguerite herself; she replied that she would send the answer later.
I wrote this kind of madrigal in prose and sent it with Joseph, who delivered it to Marguerite herself; she replied that she would send an answer later.
I only went out to have a hasty dinner, and at eleven in the evening no reply had come. I made up my mind to endure it no longer, and to set out next day. In consequence of this resolution, and convinced that I should not sleep if I went to bed, I began to pack up my things.
I just stepped out for a quick dinner, and by eleven at night, I hadn’t received a response. I decided I couldn’t wait any longer and would leave the next day. Because of this decision, and knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I went to bed, I started packing my stuff.
Chapter XV
It was hardly an hour after Joseph and I had begun preparing for my departure, when there was a violent ring at the door.
It was barely an hour after Joseph and I had started getting ready for my departure when there was a loud ring at the door.
“Shall I go to the door?” said Joseph.
“Should I go to the door?” Joseph asked.
“Go,” I said, asking myself who it could be at such an hour, and not daring to believe that it was Marguerite.
“Go,” I said, wondering who could be here at this hour, and not daring to believe it was Marguerite.
“Sir,” said Joseph coming back to me, “it is two ladies.”
“Sir,” Joseph said as he returned to me, “there are two ladies.”
“It is we, Armand,” cried a voice that I recognised as that of Prudence.
“It’s us, Armand,” shouted a voice I recognized as Prudence's.
I came out of my room. Prudence was standing looking around the place; Marguerite, seated on the sofa, was meditating. I went to her, knelt down, took her two hands, and, deeply moved, said to her, “Pardon.”
I stepped out of my room. Prudence was standing, looking around the place; Marguerite, sitting on the sofa, was deep in thought. I walked over to her, knelt down, took her hands in mine, and, feeling very emotional, said to her, “I’m sorry.”
She kissed me on the forehead, and said:
She kissed me on the forehead and said:
“This is the third time that I have forgiven you.”
"This is the third time I've forgiven you."
“I should have gone away to-morrow.”
“I should have left today.”
“How can my visit change your plans? I have not come to hinder you from leaving Paris. I have come because I had no time to answer you during the day, and I did not wish to let you think that I was angry with you. Prudence didn’t want me to come; she said that I might be in the way.”
“How will my visit affect your plans? I didn't come to stop you from leaving Paris. I came because I didn’t have time to respond to you during the day, and I didn’t want you to think I was upset with you. Prudence advised me against coming; she said I might be a distraction.”
“You in the way, Marguerite! But how?”
“You're in the way, Marguerite! But how?”
“Well, you might have had a woman here,” said Prudence, “and it would hardly have been amusing for her to see two more arrive.”
“Well, you could have had a woman here,” Prudence said, “and it wouldn’t have been very entertaining for her to see two more show up.”
During this remark Marguerite looked at me attentively.
During this remark, Marguerite looked at me closely.
“My dear Prudence,” I answered, “you do not know what you are saying.”
“My dear Prudence,” I replied, “you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“What a nice place you’ve got!” Prudence went on. “May we see the bedroom?”
“What a great place you have!” Prudence continued. “Can we see the bedroom?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
Prudence went into the bedroom, not so much to see it as to make up for the foolish thing which she had just said, and to leave Marguerite and me alone.
Prudence walked into the bedroom, not really to look around but to make up for the silly thing she had just said, and to leave Marguerite and me alone.
“Why did you bring Prudence?” I asked her.
“Why did you bring Prudence?” I asked her.
“Because she was at the theatre with me, and because when I leave here I want to have someone to see me home.”
“Because she was at the theater with me, and because when I leave here I want someone to walk me home.”
“Could not I do?”
"Couldn’t I do?"
“Yes, but, besides not wishing to put you out, I was sure that if you came as far as my door you would want to come up, and as I could not let you, I did not wish to let you go away blaming me for saying ‘No.’”
“Yes, but, aside from not wanting to inconvenience you, I was sure that if you came to my door, you’d want to come inside. Since I couldn’t let you, I didn’t want you to leave thinking I was the one saying ‘No.’”
“And why could you not let me come up?”
“And why couldn’t you let me come up?”
“Because I am watched, and the least suspicion might do me the greatest harm.”
“Because I'm being watched, and even the slightest suspicion could cause me a lot of trouble.”
“Is that really the only reason?”
“Is that truly the only reason?”
“If there were any other, I would tell you; for we are not to have any secrets from one another now.”
“If there’s anything else, I’d let you know; because we shouldn’t have any secrets from each other anymore.”
“Come, Marguerite, I am not going to take a roundabout way of saying what I really want to say. Honestly, do you care for me a little?”
“Come on, Marguerite, I'm not going to beat around the bush about what I really want to say. Honestly, do you have any feelings for me at all?”
“A great deal.”
"A lot."
“Then why did you deceive me?”
“Then why did you lie to me?”
“My friend, if I were the Duchess So and So, if I had two hundred thousand francs a year, and if I were your mistress and had another lover, you would have the right to ask me; but I am Mlle. Marguerite Gautier, I am forty thousand francs in debt, I have not a penny of my own, and I spend a hundred thousand francs a year. Your question becomes unnecessary and my answer useless.”
“My friend, if I were the Duchess So and So, if I had two hundred thousand francs a year, and if I were your mistress with another lover, you would have the right to ask me; but I am Mlle. Marguerite Gautier, I’m forty thousand francs in debt, I don’t have a penny to my name, and I spend a hundred thousand francs a year. Your question is unnecessary and my answer is pointless.”
“You are right,” I said, letting my head sink on her knees; “but I love you madly.”
“You're right,” I said, resting my head on her knees; “but I love you like crazy.”
“Well, my friend, you must either love me a little less or understand me a little better. Your letter gave me a great deal of pain. If I had been free, first of all I would not have seen the count the day before yesterday, or, if I had, I should have come and asked your forgiveness as you ask me now, and in future I should have had no other lover but you. I fancied for a moment that I might give myself that happiness for six months; you would not have it; you insisted on knowing the means. Well, good heavens, the means were easy enough to guess! In employing them I was making a greater sacrifice for you than you imagine. I might have said to you, ‘I want twenty thousand francs’; you were in love with me and you would have found them, at the risk of reproaching me for it later on. I preferred to owe you nothing; you did not understand the scruple, for such it was. Those of us who are like me, when we have any heart at all, we give a meaning and a development to words and things unknown to other women; I repeat, then, that on the part of Marguerite Gautier the means which she used to pay her debts without asking you for the money necessary for it, was a scruple by which you ought to profit, without saying anything. If you had only met me to-day, you would be too delighted with what I promised you, and you would not question me as to what I did the day before yesterday. We are sometimes obliged to buy the satisfaction of our souls at the expense of our bodies, and we suffer still more, when, afterward, that satisfaction is denied us.”
“Well, my friend, you either need to love me a little less or understand me a little better. Your letter caused me a lot of pain. If I had been free, I wouldn’t have seen the count the day before yesterday; or if I had, I would have come to ask for your forgiveness as you’re asking me now, and from then on, I would only have had you as my lover. For a moment, I thought I could allow myself that happiness for six months, but you wouldn’t accept it; you insisted on knowing how I was managing it. Well, honestly, it was pretty easy to figure out! By doing that, I was making a bigger sacrifice for you than you realize. I could have said to you, ‘I want twenty thousand francs’; you were in love with me, and you would have found a way to get them, even if it meant later reproaching me for it. I preferred not to owe you anything; you didn’t understand that ethical concern, but that’s what it was. People like me, when we actually have a heart, give words and things a meaning and depth that other women don’t. I’ll say again that what Marguerite Gautier did to pay her debts without asking you for the money was a consideration that you should appreciate without questioning. If you had only met me today, you would be thrilled with what I promised you, and you wouldn’t care what I did the day before yesterday. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our bodies for the satisfaction of our souls, and it hurts even more when that satisfaction is then taken away from us.”
I listened, and I gazed at Marguerite with admiration. When I thought that this marvellous creature, whose feet I had once longed to kiss, was willing to let me take my place in her thoughts, my part in her life, and that I was not yet content with what she gave me, I asked if man’s desire has indeed limits when, satisfied as promptly as mine had been, it reached after something further.
I listened and looked at Marguerite with admiration. When I realized that this amazing person, whose feet I had once yearned to kiss, was willing to let me be a part of her thoughts and her life, and that I still wasn't satisfied with what she offered me, I wondered if a person's desires really have limits, especially when, after being fulfilled so quickly, they sought something more.
“Truly,” she continued, “we poor creatures of chance have fantastic desires and inconceivable loves. We give ourselves now for one thing, now for another. There are men who ruin themselves without obtaining the least thing from us; there are others who obtain us for a bouquet of flowers. Our hearts have their caprices; it is their one distraction and their one excuse. I gave myself to you sooner than I ever did to any man, I swear to you; and do you know why? Because when you saw me spitting blood you took my hand; because you wept; because you are the only human being who has ever pitied me. I am going to say a mad thing to you: I once had a little dog who looked at me with a sad look when I coughed; that is the only creature I ever loved. When he died I cried more than when my mother died. It is true that for twelve years of her life she used to beat me. Well, I loved you all at once, as much as my dog. If men knew what they can have for a tear, they would be better loved and we should be less ruinous to them.
“Honestly,” she continued, “us poor beings of chance have wild desires and unimaginable loves. We give ourselves to one thing or another. Some men ruin themselves without getting anything from us; others win us over with just a bouquet of flowers. Our hearts have their whims; it's their only distraction and excuse. I gave myself to you quicker than I ever did to any man, I swear; and do you know why? Because when you saw me coughing up blood, you took my hand; because you cried; because you’re the only person who has ever felt sorry for me. I'm going to say something crazy: I once had a little dog who looked at me with a sad face when I coughed; he was the only creature I ever loved. When he died, I cried more than when my mother died. It’s true that for twelve years of her life, she used to hit me. Well, I loved you just as much, all at once, as I did my dog. If men knew what they could get for a tear, they would be loved better, and we wouldn’t be so damaging to them.”
“Your letter undeceived me; it showed me that you lacked the intelligence of the heart; it did you more harm with me than anything you could possibly have done. It was jealousy certainly, but ironical and impertinent jealousy. I was already feeling sad when I received your letter. I was looking forward to seeing you at twelve, to having lunch with you, and wiping out, by seeing you, a thought which was with me incessantly, and which, before I knew you, I had no difficulty in tolerating.
“Your letter opened my eyes; it showed me that you didn’t have the emotional intelligence I thought you did; it hurt you more in my eyes than anything else you could have done. It was definitely jealousy, but a sarcastic and rude kind of jealousy. I was already feeling down when I got your letter. I was looking forward to seeing you at noon, to having lunch with you, and clearing my mind of a thought that had been nagging at me constantly, one that hadn’t bothered me at all before I met you."
“Then,” continued Marguerite, “you were the only person before whom it seemed to me, from the first, that I could think and speak freely. All those who come about women like me have an interest in calculating their slightest words, in thinking of the consequences of their most insignificant actions. Naturally we have no friends. We have selfish lovers who spend their fortunes, not on us, as they say, but on their own vanity. For these people we have to be merry when they are merry, well when they want to sup, sceptics like themselves. We are not allowed to have hearts, under penalty of being hooted down and of ruining our credit.
“Then,” Marguerite continued, “you were the only person I felt I could think and speak freely around from the very beginning. Everyone else who comes around women like me is always trying to analyze our every word and consider the consequences of our smallest actions. Naturally, we have no true friends. We have selfish lovers who spend their fortunes, not on us as they claim, but on their own egos. For these people, we have to be cheerful when they are happy, agreeable when they want to eat, and as skeptical as they are. We’re not allowed to have feelings, or else we risk being mocked and damaging our reputation.”
“We no longer belong to ourselves. We are no longer beings, but things. We stand first in their self-esteem, last in their esteem. We have women who call themselves our friends, but they are friends like Prudence, women who were once kept and who have still the costly tastes that their age does not allow them to gratify. Then they become our friends, or rather our guests at table. Their friendship is carried to the point of servility, never to that of disinterestedness. Never do they give you advice which is not lucrative. It means little enough to them that we should have ten lovers extra, as long as they get dresses or a bracelet out of them, and that they can drive in our carriage from time to time or come to our box at the theatre. They have our last night’s bouquets, and they borrow our shawls. They never render us a service, however slight, without seeing that they are paid twice its value. You yourself saw when Prudence brought me the six thousand francs that I had asked her to get from the duke, how she borrowed five hundred francs, which she will never pay me back, or which she will pay me in hats, which will never be taken out of their boxes.
“We no longer own ourselves. We’re not really people anymore, but objects. We’re the top priority in their self-worth, but at the bottom of their actual worth. We have women who call themselves our friends, but they’re friends like Prudence—women who were once supported and still have the expensive tastes their age can’t afford anymore. So they become our friends, or more like our guests at the dinner table. Their friendship is so submissive, never truly selfless. They never give you advice that doesn’t benefit them financially. It doesn’t matter to them if we have ten extra lovers, as long as they can get dresses or a bracelet from it, and that they can ride in our carriage or visit our box at the theater. They take our leftover bouquets and borrow our shawls. They never do us a favor, even a small one, without expecting to be compensated twice its worth. You saw it yourself when Prudence brought me the six thousand francs I asked her to get from the duke; she borrowed five hundred francs, which she will never pay back, or she’ll repay me with hats that will never see the light of day.”
“We can not, then, have, or rather I can not have more than one possible kind of happiness, and this is, sad as I sometimes am, suffering as I always am, to find a man superior enough not to ask questions about my life, and to be the lover of my impressions rather than of my body. Such a man I found in the duke; but the duke is old, and old age neither protects nor consoles. I thought I could accept the life which he offered me; but what would you have? I was dying of ennui, and if one is bound to be consumed, it is as well to throw oneself into the flames as to be asphyxiated with charcoal.
“I can’t have more than one kind of happiness, and even though I sometimes feel sad and always suffer, that happiness is finding a man who is above asking questions about my life and who loves my thoughts more than my body. I found such a man in the duke, but he’s old, and growing old doesn’t offer protection or comfort. I thought I could accept the life he offered me, but what can I say? I was dying of boredom, and if I have to burn, I might as well jump into the flames rather than suffocate in the smoke.”
“Then I met you, young, ardent, happy, and I tried to make you the man I had longed for in my noisy solitude. What I loved in you was not the man who was, but the man who was going to be. You do not accept the position, you reject it as unworthy of you; you are an ordinary lover. Do like the others; pay me, and say no more about it.”
“Then I met you, young, enthusiastic, and joyful, and I tried to make you the man I’d been yearning for in my noisy loneliness. What I loved in you wasn’t the man you were, but the man you were going to become. You don’t accept the situation, you dismiss it as beneath you; you’re just a typical lover. Act like the others; pay me, and let’s not talk about it anymore.”
Marguerite, tired out with this long confession, threw herself back on the sofa, and to stifle a slight cough put up her handkerchief to her lips, and from that to her eyes.
Marguerite, exhausted from this lengthy confession, flopped back onto the sofa, and to suppress a slight cough, brought her handkerchief to her lips, and then to her eyes.
“Pardon, pardon,” I murmured. “I understood it all, but I wanted to have it from your own lips, my beloved Marguerite. Forget the rest and remember only one thing: that we belong to one another, that we are young, and that we love. Marguerite, do with me as you will; I am your slave, your dog, but in the name of heaven tear up the letter which I wrote to you and do not make me leave you to-morrow; it would kill me.”
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” I said softly. “I got it all, but I wanted to hear it from you, my dear Marguerite. Forget everything else and just remember this: we belong to each other, we’re young, and we love each other. Marguerite, do what you want with me; I’m your servant, your dog, but for heaven's sake, please tear up the letter I sent you and don’t make me leave you tomorrow; it would break me.”
Marguerite drew the letter from her bosom, and handing it to me with a smile of infinite sweetness, said:
Marguerite took the letter from her chest, handed it to me with a smile that was incredibly sweet, and said:
“Here it is. I have brought it back.”
“Here it is. I’ve brought it back.”
I tore the letter into fragments and kissed with tears the hand that gave it to me.
I ripped the letter into pieces and kissed the hand that gave it to me, tears streaming down.
At this moment Prudence reappeared.
Prudence reappeared just now.
“Look here, Prudence; do you know what he wants?” said Marguerite.
“Hey, Prudence; do you know what he wants?” said Marguerite.
“He wants you to forgive him.”
“He wants you to forgive him.”
“Precisely.”
"Exactly."
“And you do?”
"And what about you?"
“One has to; but he wants more than that.”
“One has to, but he wants more than that.”
“What, then?”
"What's next?"
“He wants to have supper with us.”
“He wants to have dinner with us.”
“And do you consent?”
"Do you agree?"
“What do you think?”
"What's your opinion?"
“I think that you are two children who haven’t an atom of sense between you; but I also think that I am very hungry, and that the sooner you consent the sooner we shall have supper.”
“I think you two are just a couple of kids with no common sense at all; but I also think I’m really hungry, and the sooner you agree, the sooner we can have dinner.”
“Come,” said Marguerite, “there is room for the three of us in my carriage.”
“Come on,” said Marguerite, “there's space for the three of us in my carriage.”
“By the way,” she added, turning to me, “Nanine will be gone to bed. You must open the door; take my key, and try not to lose it again.”
“By the way,” she said, turning to me, “Nanine will be in bed. You need to open the door; take my key, and try not to lose it again.”
I embraced Marguerite until she was almost stifled.
I hugged Marguerite tightly until she could hardly breathe.
Thereupon Joseph entered.
Then Joseph entered.
“Sir,” he said, with the air of a man who is very well satisfied with himself, “the luggage is packed.”
“Sir,” he said, looking quite pleased with himself, “the luggage is packed.”
“All of it?”
"All of this?"
“Yes, sir.”
"Yes, sir."
“Well, then, unpack it again; I am not going.”
“Well, then, unpack it again; I’m not going.”
Chapter XVI
I might have told you of the beginning of this liaison in a few lines, but I wanted you to see every step by which we came, I to agree to whatever Marguerite wished, Marguerite to be unable to live apart from me.
I could have briefly explained how this relationship started, but I wanted you to see every step we took—me agreeing to whatever Marguerite wanted, and Marguerite being unable to live without me.
It was the day after the evening when she came to see me that I sent her Manon Lescaut.
It was the day after she came to see me that I sent her Manon Lescaut.
From that time, seeing that I could not change my mistress’s life, I changed my own. I wished above all not to leave myself time to think over the position I had accepted, for, in spite of myself, it was a great distress to me. Thus my life, generally so calm, assumed all at once an appearance of noise and disorder. Never believe, however disinterested the love of a kept woman may be, that it will cost one nothing. Nothing is so expensive as their caprices, flowers, boxes at the theatre, suppers, days in the country, which one can never refuse to one’s mistress.
From that point on, realizing I couldn’t change my mistress’s life, I decided to change my own. I wanted to keep myself so busy that I wouldn’t have time to dwell on the situation I had accepted, because, despite my efforts, it caused me great distress. As a result, my usually calm life suddenly felt chaotic and loud. Never believe, no matter how selfless a kept woman’s love may seem, that it comes without costs. Nothing is more expensive than their whims, flowers, theater tickets, dinners, and days out in the country, which you can never say no to when it comes to your mistress.
As I have told you, I had little money. My father was, and still is, receveur général at C. He has a great reputation there for loyalty, thanks to which he was able to find the security which he needed in order to attain this position.
As I mentioned, I had very little money. My father is, and still is, the receveur général at C. He has a great reputation there for his loyalty, which helped him secure the position he needed to reach this level.
It is worth forty thousand francs a year, and during the ten years that he has had it, he has paid off the security and put aside a dowry for my sister. My father is the most honourable man in the world. When my mother died, she left six thousand francs a year, which he divided between my sister and myself on the very day when he received his appointment; then, when I was twenty-one, he added to this little income an annual allowance of five thousand francs, assuring me that with eight thousand francs a year I might live very happily at Paris, if, in addition to this, I would make a position for myself either in law or medicine. I came to Paris, studied law, was called to the bar, and, like many other young men, put my diploma in my pocket, and let myself drift, as one so easily does in Paris.
It’s worth forty thousand francs a year, and over the ten years he’s had it, he’s paid off the loan and set aside a dowry for my sister. My dad is the most honorable person in the world. When my mom passed away, she left six thousand francs a year, which he split between my sister and me on the very day he got his appointment; then, when I turned twenty-one, he added an annual allowance of five thousand francs to this small income, telling me that with eight thousand francs a year, I could live very happily in Paris, especially if I would build a career for myself in either law or medicine. I moved to Paris, studied law, got called to the bar, and, like many other young men, put my diploma in my pocket and let myself drift, as one easily does in Paris.
My expenses were very moderate; only I used up my year’s income in eight months, and spent the four summer months with my father, which practically gave me twelve thousand francs a year, and, in addition, the reputation of a good son. For the rest, not a penny of debt.
My expenses were quite reasonable; I ended up using up my yearly income in just eight months, and spent the four summer months with my dad, which essentially gave me twelve thousand francs a year, plus the reputation of being a good son. Other than that, I didn't have any debt at all.
This, then, was my position when I made the acquaintance of Marguerite. You can well understand that, in spite of myself, my expenses soon increased. Marguerite’s nature was very capricious, and, like so many women, she never regarded as a serious expense those thousand and one distractions which made up her life. So, wishing to spend as much time with me as possible, she would write to me in the morning that she would dine with me, not at home, but at some restaurant in Paris or in the country. I would call for her, and we would dine and go on to the theatre, often having supper as well; and by the end of the evening I had spent four or five louis, which came to two or three thousand francs a month, which reduced my year to three months and a half, and made it necessary for me either to go into debt or to leave Marguerite. I would have consented to anything except the latter.
This was my situation when I met Marguerite. You can imagine that despite my best efforts, my expenses quickly went up. Marguerite had a very unpredictable nature, and like many women, she didn’t see all the small distractions that filled her life as real expenses. So, wanting to spend as much time with me as possible, she'd text me in the morning saying she would have dinner with me, not at home, but at some restaurant in Paris or the countryside. I'd pick her up, and we’d have dinner and then go to the theater, often grabbing a late-night snack too; by the end of the night, I would have spent four or five louis, which added up to two or three thousand francs a month. This meant my finances would be stretched to just three and a half months a year, forcing me to either go into debt or leave Marguerite. I would agree to anything except the latter.
Forgive me if I give you all these details, but you will see that they were the cause of what was to follow. What I tell you is a true and simple story, and I leave to it all the naivete of its details and all the simplicity of its developments.
Forgive me for sharing all these details, but you’ll see they led to what happened next. What I’m about to tell you is a true and straightforward story, and I let it keep all the innocence of its details and all the simplicity of its unfolding.
I realized then that as nothing in the world would make me forget my mistress, it was needful for me to find some way of meeting the expenses into which she drew me. Then, too, my love for her had so disturbing an influence upon me that every moment I spent away from Marguerite was like a year, and that I felt the need of consuming these moments in the fire of some sort of passion, and of living them so swiftly as not to know that I was living them.
I realized then that since nothing in the world could make me forget my mistress, I needed to figure out how to cover the costs she brought me. Also, my love for her affected me so much that every moment I spent away from Marguerite felt like a year, and I needed to fill those moments with some kind of passion, living them so fast that I wouldn’t even notice I was alive.
I began by borrowing five or six thousand francs on my little capital, and with this I took to gambling. Since gambling houses were destroyed gambling goes on everywhere. Formerly, when one went to Frascati, one had the chance of making a fortune; one played against money, and if one lost, there was always the consolation of saying that one might have gained; whereas now, except in the clubs, where there is still a certain rigour in regard to payments, one is almost certain, the moment one gains a considerable sum, not to receive it. You will readily understand why. Gambling is only likely to be carried on by young people very much in need of money and not possessing the fortune necessary for supporting the life they lead; they gamble, then, and with this result; or else they gain, and then those who lose serve to pay for their horses and mistresses, which is very disagreeable. Debts are contracted, acquaintances begun about a green table end by quarrels in which life or honour comes to grief; and though one may be an honest man, one finds oneself ruined by very honest men, whose only defect is that they have not two hundred thousand francs a year.
I started by borrowing five or six thousand francs from my small savings and used it to gamble. Since the casinos were shut down, gambling happens everywhere. Back in the day, when you went to Frascati, you had the chance to make a fortune; you played for money, and even if you lost, you could always say you might have won. Now, except in the clubs, where they still enforce some rules about payments, if you win a decent amount, you’re almost certain not to get it. You can see why. Gambling mostly attracts young people desperate for cash who don’t have the wealth to support their lifestyle; they gamble, and it ends poorly, or if they win, it’s the losers who end up paying for their fancy horses and mistresses, which is pretty frustrating. Debts pile up, friendships formed around a poker table end in fights that threaten life or honor; and although you might be an honest person, you can end up ruined by other honest people whose only flaw is that they don't have two hundred thousand francs a year.
I need not tell you of those who cheat at play, and of how one hears one fine day of their hasty disappearance and tardy condemnation.
I don’t need to explain about those who cheat at games, and how one day you hear about their quick exit and delayed punishment.
I flung myself into this rapid, noisy, and volcanic life, which had formerly terrified me when I thought of it, and which had become for me the necessary complement of my love for Marguerite. What else could I have done?
I threw myself into this fast-paced, loud, and chaotic life, which used to scare me when I thought about it, and which had turned into the essential part of my love for Marguerite. What else could I have done?
The nights that I did not spend in the Rue d’Antin, if I had spent them alone in my own room, I could not have slept. Jealousy would have kept me awake, and inflamed my blood and my thoughts; while gambling gave a new turn to the fever which would otherwise have preyed upon my heart, and fixed it upon a passion which laid hold on me in spite of myself, until the hour struck when I might go to my mistress. Then, and by this I knew the violence of my love, I left the table without a moment’s hesitation, whether I was winning or losing, pitying those whom I left behind because they would not, like me, find their real happiness in leaving it. For the most of them, gambling was a necessity; for me, it was a remedy. Free of Marguerite, I should have been free of gambling.
The nights that I didn’t spend in Rue d’Antin, if I had been alone in my own room, I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Jealousy would have kept me awake, stirring my blood and my thoughts; while gambling took the edge off the fever that would have consumed my heart, directing it toward a passion that grabbed me despite myself, until it was time to see my mistress. In that moment, and this showed me how intense my love was, I would leave the table without a second thought, whether I was winning or losing, feeling sorry for those I was leaving behind because they wouldn’t find their true happiness in walking away, like I did. For most of them, gambling was a necessity; for me, it was a cure. Without Marguerite, I would have been free from gambling.
Thus, in the midst of all that, I preserved a considerable amount of self-possession; I lost only what I was able to pay, and gained only what I should have been able to lose.
Thus, in the midst of all that, I managed to stay pretty composed; I only lost what I could afford to, and gained only what I should have been willing to lose.
For the rest, chance was on my side. I made no debts, and I spent three times as much money as when I did not gamble. It was impossible to resist an existence which gave me an easy means of satisfying the thousand caprices of Marguerite. As for her, she continued to love me as much, or even more than ever.
For the rest, luck was on my side. I didn’t go into debt, and I spent three times more money than when I wasn’t gambling. It was impossible to resist a lifestyle that made it easy to indulge Marguerite’s countless whims. As for her, she continued to love me just as much, or even more than before.
As I told you, I began by being allowed to stay only from midnight to six o’clock, then I was asked sometimes to a box in the theatre, then she sometimes came to dine with me. One morning I did not go till eight, and there came a day when I did not go till twelve.
As I mentioned, I started out only being allowed to stay from midnight to six. Then I was sometimes invited to a box at the theater, and sometimes she came to have dinner with me. One morning, I didn’t arrive until eight, and there came a day when I didn’t arrive until noon.
But, sooner than the moral metamorphosis, a physical metamorphosis came about in Marguerite. I had taken her cure in hand, and the poor girl, seeing my aim, obeyed me in order to prove her gratitude. I had succeeded without effort or trouble in almost isolating her from her former habits. My doctor, whom I had made her meet, had told me that only rest and calm could preserve her health, so that in place of supper and sleepless nights, I succeeded in substituting a hygienic regime and regular sleep. In spite of herself, Marguerite got accustomed to this new existence, whose salutary effects she already realized. She began to spend some of her evenings at home, or, if the weather was fine, she wrapped herself in a shawl, put on a veil, and we went on foot, like two children, in the dim alleys of the Champs-Elysées. She would come in tired, take a light supper, and go to bed after a little music or reading, which she had never been used to do. The cough, which every time that I heard it seemed to go through my chest, had almost completely disappeared.
But before the moral transformation happened, Marguerite underwent a physical change. I took her recovery into my own hands, and the poor girl, seeing my intentions, followed my lead to show her gratitude. I had managed, without much effort, to almost completely cut her off from her old habits. My doctor, whom I had introduced her to, told me that only rest and peace could keep her healthy, so instead of late-night suppers and sleepless nights, I replaced them with a healthy routine and regular sleep. Despite herself, Marguerite got used to this new way of life, and she was already starting to see its positive effects. She began spending some evenings at home, or on nice nights, she would wrap herself in a shawl, put on a veil, and we would walk, like two kids, in the quiet paths of the Champs-Elysées. She would come back tired, have a light supper, and go to bed after listening to some music or reading, which she had never done before. The cough that always sent a chill through me had almost completely vanished.
At the end of six weeks the count was entirely given up, and only the duke obliged me to conceal my liaison with Marguerite, and even he was sent away when I was there, under the pretext that she was asleep and had given orders that she was not to be awakened.
At the end of six weeks, they completely abandoned the count, and only the duke made me hide my relationship with Marguerite. Even he was asked to leave when I was there, under the excuse that she was asleep and had instructed that she shouldn't be disturbed.
The habit or the need of seeing me which Marguerite had now contracted had this good result: that it forced me to leave the gaming-table just at the moment when an adroit gambler would have left it. Settling one thing against another, I found myself in possession of some ten thousand francs, which seemed to me an inexhaustible capital.
The habit or need that Marguerite had developed to see me had this positive outcome: it pushed me to walk away from the gambling table right when a savvy gambler would have. Weighing one thing against another, I ended up with about ten thousand francs, which felt like an endless fortune.
The time of the year when I was accustomed to join my father and sister had now arrived, and I did not go; both of them wrote to me frequently, begging me to come. To these letters I replied as best I could, always repeating that I was quite well and that I was not in need of money, two things which, I thought, would console my father for my delay in paying him my annual visit.
The time of year when I usually joined my father and sister had come around, and I didn't go. They both wrote to me often, asking me to come. I replied to their letters as best I could, always insisting that I was perfectly fine and that I didn't need any money—two things I thought would ease my father's mind about my delay in visiting him.
Just then, one fine day in summer, Marguerite was awakened by the sunlight pouring into her room, and, jumping out of bed, asked me if I would take her into the country for the whole day.
Just then, one beautiful summer day, Marguerite was awakened by the sunlight streaming into her room, and, jumping out of bed, asked me if I would take her to the countryside for the whole day.
We sent for Prudence, and all three set off, after Marguerite had given Nanine orders to tell the duke that she had taken advantage of the fine day to go into the country with Mme. Duvernoy.
We called for Prudence, and the three of us headed out after Marguerite instructed Nanine to inform the duke that she had decided to take advantage of the nice weather to go to the countryside with Mme. Duvernoy.
Besides the presence of Mme. Duvernoy being needful on account of the old duke, Prudence was one of those women who seem made on purpose for days in the country. With her unchanging good-humour and her eternal appetite, she never left a dull moment to those whom she was with, and was perfectly happy in ordering eggs, cherries, milk, stewed rabbit, and all the rest of the traditional lunch in the country.
Besides needing Mme. Duvernoy because of the old duke, Prudence was one of those women who seem made for days in the countryside. With her constant good humor and endless appetite, she never allowed a dull moment for those around her and was perfectly happy arranging eggs, cherries, milk, stewed rabbit, and all the other traditional country lunch items.
We had now only to decide where we should go. It was once more Prudence who settled the difficulty.
We just needed to decide where to go next. Once again, it was Prudence who solved the problem.
“Do you want to go to the real country?” she asked.
“Do you want to go to the actual country?” she asked.
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“Well, let us go to Bougival, at the Point du Jour, at Widow Arnould’s. Armand, order an open carriage.”
"Well, let's head to Bougival, at Point du Jour, to Widow Arnould's. Armand, please order an open carriage."
An hour and a half later we were at Widow Arnould’s.
An hour and a half later, we arrived at Widow Arnould’s place.
Perhaps you know the inn, which is a hotel on week days and a tea garden on Sundays. There is a magnificent view from the garden, which is at the height of an ordinary first floor. On the left the Aqueduct of Marly closes in the horizon, on the right one looks across hill after hill; the river, almost without current at that spot, unrolls itself like a large white watered ribbon between the plain of the Gabillons and the island of Croissy, lulled eternally by the trembling of its high poplars and the murmur of its willows. Beyond, distinct in the sunlight, rise little white houses, with red roofs, and manufactories, which, at that distance, put an admirable finish to the landscape. Beyond that, Paris in the mist! As Prudence had told us, it was the real country, and, I must add, it was a real lunch.
You might be familiar with the inn, which serves as a hotel during the week and a tea garden on Sundays. The garden offers a stunning view, positioned at the height of a typical first floor. To the left, the Aqueduct of Marly frames the horizon, while to the right, you can see endless hills; the river, almost still at that point, flows like a wide white ribbon between the Gabillons plain and Croissy Island, gently swaying with the movement of its tall poplars and the rustle of its willows. In the distance, clearly visible in the sunlight, are charming white houses with red roofs and factories that, from afar, beautifully complete the scene. Beyond that, there’s Paris shrouded in mist! As Prudence mentioned, it was definitely the real countryside, and I must say, it was a real lunch.
It is not only out of gratitude for the happiness I owe it, but Bougival, in spite of its horrible name, is one of the prettiest places that it is possible to imagine. I have travelled a good deal, and seen much grander things, but none more charming than this little village gaily seated at the foot of the hill which protects it.
It’s not just because I’m grateful for the happiness it has brought me, but Bougival, despite its awful name, is one of the most beautiful places you could ever imagine. I've traveled a lot and seen much more impressive sights, but nothing is as charming as this little village brightly nestled at the foot of the hill that shields it.
Mme. Arnould asked us if we would take a boat, and Marguerite and Prudence accepted joyously.
Mme. Arnould asked us if we wanted to take a boat, and Marguerite and Prudence eagerly agreed.
People have always associated the country with love, and they have done well; nothing affords so fine a frame for the woman whom one loves as the blue sky, the odours, the flowers, the breeze, the shining solitude of fields, or woods. However much one loves a woman, whatever confidence one may have in her, whatever certainty her past may offer us as to her future, one is always more or less jealous. If you have been in love, you must have felt the need of isolating from this world the being in whom you would live wholly. It seems as if, however indifferent she may be to her surroundings, the woman whom one loves loses something of her perfume and of her unity at the contact of men and things. As for me, I experienced that more than most. Mine was not an ordinary love; I was as much in love as an ordinary creature could be, but with Marguerite Gautier; that is to say, that at Paris, at every step, I might elbow the man who had already been her lover or who was about to, while in the country, surrounded by people whom we had never seen and who had no concern with us, alone with nature in the spring-time of the year, that annual pardon, and shut off from the noise of the city, I could hide my love, and love without shame or fear.
People have always connected the countryside with love, and they’ve got it right; nothing provides a better backdrop for the person you love than the blue sky, the scents, the flowers, the breeze, and the peacefulness of the fields or woods. No matter how much you love a woman, how much trust you might have in her, or how certain you feel about her past predicting her future, you’ll always feel some jealousy. If you’ve ever been in love, you know the desire to isolate the person you want to be completely with from the outside world. It seems like, no matter how indifferent she may be to her surroundings, the woman you love loses some of her charm and wholeness when she’s around other people and things. I felt this more than most. My love wasn’t ordinary; I was as deeply in love as anyone could be, but it was with Marguerite Gautier; which meant that in Paris, I could easily bump into someone who was either her ex-lover or someone about to become one. Yet in the countryside, surrounded by people we’d never met and who had nothing to do with us, alone with nature in the spring, that time of year when everything feels renewed, and cut off from the city’s noise, I could keep my love hidden and feel it without shame or fear.
The courtesan disappeared little by little. I had by me a young and beautiful woman, whom I loved, and who loved me, and who was called Marguerite; the past had no more reality and the future no more clouds. The sun shone upon my mistress as it might have shone upon the purest bride. We walked together in those charming spots which seemed to have been made on purpose to recall the verses of Lamartine or to sing the melodies of Scudo. Marguerite was dressed in white, she leaned on my arm, saying over to me again under the starry sky the words she had said to me the day before, and far off the world went on its way, without darkening with its shadow the radiant picture of our youth and love.
The courtesan gradually faded away. I had a young and beautiful woman by my side, whom I loved and who loved me back, and her name was Marguerite; the past felt unreal and the future was worry-free. The sun shined on my mistress just like it would on the purest bride. We strolled together in those lovely places that seemed made just to remind us of Lamartine’s poetry or to echo Scudo’s melodies. Marguerite wore a white dress, leaned on my arm, and repetitively whispered to me under the starry sky the sweet words she had told me the day before, while the world continued on in the distance, never casting a shadow on the bright picture of our youth and love.
That was the dream that the hot sun brought to me that day through the leaves of the trees, as, lying on the grass of the island on which we had landed, I let my thought wander, free from the human links that had bound it, gathering to itself every hope that came in its way.
That was the dream the hot sun brought to me that day through the tree leaves, as I lay on the grass of the island we had landed on, letting my thoughts wander, free from the human connections that had tied them down, collecting every hope that came my way.
Add to this that from the place where I was I could see on the shore a charming little house of two stories, with a semicircular railing; through the railing, in front of the house, a green lawn, smooth as velvet, and behind the house a little wood full of mysterious retreats, where the moss must efface each morning the pathway that had been made the day before. Climbing flowers clung about the doorway of this uninhabited house, mounting as high as the first story.
Add to this that from where I was, I could see a charming little two-story house on the shore, with a semicircular railing. In front of the house was a green lawn, smooth as velvet, and behind it, a small wood filled with mysterious nooks, where the moss must erase the path made the day before each morning. Climbing flowers wrapped around the doorway of this uninhabited house, reaching up to the first floor.
I looked at the house so long that I began by thinking of it as mine, so perfectly did it embody the dream that I was dreaming; I saw Marguerite and myself there, by day in the little wood that covered the hillside, in the evening seated on the grass, and I asked myself if earthly creatures had ever been so happy as we should be.
I stared at the house for so long that I started to think of it as mine, as it perfectly represented the dream I was having; I pictured Marguerite and me there, during the day in the small wooded area on the hillside, and in the evening sitting on the grass, wondering if any living beings had ever been as happy as we would be.
“What a pretty house!” Marguerite said to me, as she followed the direction of my gaze and perhaps of my thought.
“What a beautiful house!” Marguerite said to me, as she followed the direction of my gaze and maybe my thoughts.
“Where?” asked Prudence.
"Where?" Prudence asked.
“Yonder,” and Marguerite pointed to the house in question.
“Over there,” Marguerite pointed to the house in question.
“Ah, delicious!” replied Prudence. “Do you like it?”
“Ah, this is so good!” replied Prudence. “Do you like it?”
“Very much.”
“Totally.”
“Well, tell the duke to take it for you; he would do so, I am sure. I’ll see about it if you like.”
“Well, tell the duke to take it for you; I'm sure he would. I’ll look into it if you want.”
Marguerite looked at me, as if to ask me what I thought. My dream vanished at the last words of Prudence, and brought me back to reality so brutally that I was still stunned with the fall.
Marguerite looked at me, as if to ask what I thought. My dream faded away at Prudence's last words, pulling me back to reality so harshly that I was still reeling from the fall.
“Yes, yes, an excellent idea,” I stammered, not knowing what I was saying.
“Yes, yes, great idea,” I stammered, unsure of what I was saying.
“Well, I will arrange that,” said Marguerite, freeing my hand, and interpreting my words according to her own desire. “Let us go and see if it is to let.”
“Well, I’ll take care of that,” said Marguerite, releasing my hand and interpreting my words the way she wanted. “Let’s go see if it’s available.”
The house was empty, and to let for two thousand francs.
The house was vacant and available for rent at two thousand francs.
“Would you be happy here?” she said to me.
“Would you be happy here?” she asked me.
“Am I sure of coming here?”
“Am I sure about coming here?”
“And for whom else should I bury myself here, if not for you?”
“And who else should I bury myself here for, if not for you?”
“Well, then, Marguerite, let me take it myself.”
“Well, then, Marguerite, let me handle it myself.”
“You are mad; not only is it unnecessary, but it would be dangerous. You know perfectly well that I have no right to accept it save from one man. Let me alone, big baby, and say nothing.”
“You're crazy; it's not only unnecessary, but it would also be risky. You know very well that I can only accept it from one person. Just leave me alone, you big baby, and don't say anything.”
“That means,” said Prudence, “that when I have two days free I will come and spend them with you.”
“That means,” said Prudence, “that when I have two free days, I’ll come and spend them with you.”
We left the house, and started on our return to Paris, talking over the new plan. I held Marguerite in my arms, and as I got down from the carriage, I had already begun to look upon her arrangement with less critical eyes.
We left the house and started heading back to Paris, discussing the new plan. I held Marguerite in my arms, and as I got out of the carriage, I had already started to see her arrangement in a more accepting light.
Chapter XVII
Next day Marguerite sent me away very early, saying that the duke was coming at an early hour, and promising to write to me the moment he went, and to make an appointment for the evening. In the course of the day I received this note:
Next day, Marguerite sent me away early, saying the duke was coming in the morning. She promised to text me as soon as he left and to set up a meeting for the evening. During the day, I got this note:
“I am going to Bougival with the duke; be at Prudence’s to-night at eight.”
“I’m going to Bougival with the duke; be at Prudence’s tonight at eight.”
At the appointed hour Marguerite came to me at Mme. Duvernoy’s. “Well, it is all settled,” she said, as she entered. “The house is taken?” asked Prudence. “Yes; he agreed at once.”
At the agreed time, Marguerite arrived at Mme. Duvernoy’s. “Well, it's all settled,” she said as she walked in. “The house is taken?” Prudence asked. “Yes; he agreed right away.”
I did not know the duke, but I felt ashamed of deceiving him.
I didn't know the duke, but I felt embarrassed for tricking him.
“But that is not all,” continued Marguerite.
“But that’s not all,” Marguerite went on.
“What else is there?”
“What else is there?”
“I have been seeing about a place for Armand to stay.”
“I've been looking for a place for Armand to stay.”
“In the same house?” asked Prudence, laughing.
“In the same house?” Prudence asked with a laugh.
“No, at Point du Jour, where we had dinner, the duke and I. While he was admiring the view, I asked Mme. Arnould (she is called Mme. Arnould, isn’t she?) if there were any suitable rooms, and she showed me just the very thing: salon, anteroom, and bed-room, at sixty francs a month; the whole place furnished in a way to divert a hypochondriac. I took it. Was I right?” I flung my arms around her neck and kissed her.
“No, at Point du Jour, where the duke and I had dinner. While he was admiring the view, I asked Mme. Arnould (that’s what she’s called, right?) if there were any available rooms, and she showed me exactly what I needed: a living room, an anteroom, and a bedroom, all for sixty francs a month; the whole place furnished in a way that would cheer up anyone feeling down. I took it. Was that the right choice?” I threw my arms around her neck and kissed her.
“It will be charming,” she continued. “You have the key of the little door, and I have promised the duke the key of the front door, which he will not take, because he will come during the day when he comes. I think, between ourselves, that he is enchanted with a caprice which will keep me out of Paris for a time, and so silence the objections of his family. However, he has asked me how I, loving Paris as I do, could make up my mind to bury myself in the country. I told him that I was ill, and that I wanted rest. He seemed to have some difficulty in believing me. The poor old man is always on the watch. We must take every precaution, my dear Armand, for he will have me watched while I am there; and it isn’t only the question of his taking a house for me, but he has my debts to pay, and unluckily I have plenty. Does all that suit you?”
“It will be lovely,” she continued. “You have the key to the little door, and I’ve promised the duke the key to the front door, which he won’t use because he’ll come during the day when he visits. I think, just between us, that he’s smitten with a whim that’ll keep me away from Paris for a while, and that way silence his family’s objections. Still, he asked me how I, being such a fan of Paris, could decide to isolate myself in the countryside. I told him I was unwell and needed some rest. He seemed to find that hard to believe. The poor old man is always on guard. We need to be careful, my dear Armand, because he’ll have me followed while I’m there; it’s not just about him renting a house for me, but he also has my debts to settle, and unfortunately, there are many. Does that work for you?”
“Yes,” I answered, trying to quiet the scruples which this way of living awoke in me from time to time.
“Yes,” I replied, trying to silence the doubts that this way of living stirred up in me from time to time.
“We went all over the house, and we shall have everything perfect. The duke is going to look after every single thing. Ah, my dear,” she added, kissing me, “you’re in luck; it’s a millionaire who makes your bed for you.”
“We went all over the house, and we’ll have everything just right. The duke is going to take care of every little detail. Ah, my dear,” she said, kissing me, “you’re so lucky; it’s a millionaire who’s making your bed for you.”
“And when shall you move into the house?” inquired Prudence.
“And when are you going to move into the house?” Prudence asked.
“As soon as possible.”
“As soon as possible.”
“Will you take your horses and carriage?”
“Are you going to take your horses and carriage?”
“I shall take the whole house, and you can look after my place while I am away.”
“I'll take care of the whole house, and you can manage my place while I'm gone.”
A week later Marguerite was settled in her country house, and I was installed at Point du Jour.
A week later, Marguerite was settled in her country house, and I was moved in at Point du Jour.
Then began an existence which I shall have some difficulty in describing to you. At first Marguerite could not break entirely with her former habits, and, as the house was always en fête, all the women whom she knew came to see her. For a whole month there was not a day when Marguerite had not eight or ten people to meals. Prudence, on her side, brought down all the people she knew, and did the honours of the house as if the house belonged to her.
Then began a life that I’ll find a bit hard to explain to you. At first, Marguerite couldn't fully let go of her old habits, and since the house was always celebrating, all the women she knew came to visit her. For an entire month, there wasn’t a day when Marguerite didn’t have eight or ten people over for meals. Prudence, for her part, invited everyone she knew and acted like the house was hers.
The duke’s money paid for all that, as you may imagine; but from time to time Prudence came to me, asking for a note for a thousand francs, professedly on behalf of Marguerite. You know I had won some money at gambling; I therefore immediately handed over to Prudence what she asked for Marguerite, and fearing lest she should require more than I possessed, I borrowed at Paris a sum equal to that which I had already borrowed and paid back. I was then once more in possession of some ten thousand francs, without reckoning my allowance. However, Marguerite’s pleasure in seeing her friends was a little moderated when she saw the expense which that pleasure entailed, and especially the necessity she was sometimes in of asking me for money. The duke, who had taken the house in order that Marguerite might rest there, no longer visited it, fearing to find himself in the midst of a large and merry company, by whom he did not wish to be seen. This came about through his having once arrived to dine tête-à-tête with Marguerite, and having fallen upon a party of fifteen, who were still at lunch at an hour when he was prepared to sit down to dinner. He had unsuspectingly opened the dining-room door, and had been greeted by a burst of laughter, and had had to retire precipitately before the impertinent mirth of the women who were assembled there.
The duke's money covered all of that, as you can imagine; but every now and then, Prudence would come to me asking for a note for a thousand francs, supposedly on behalf of Marguerite. You know I had won some money gambling; so I quickly handed over to Prudence what she needed for Marguerite. Fearing that she might ask for more than I had, I borrowed an equivalent amount in Paris to pay back what I had already borrowed. I then had about ten thousand francs again, not including my allowance. However, Marguerite's enjoyment of seeing her friends was somewhat dampened when she realized how much it was costing her, especially the times she had to ask me for money. The duke, who had rented the house so Marguerite could relax there, stopped visiting, worried he would run into a large and lively group he didn't want to be seen by. This happened after he once came to have dinner alone with Marguerite and unexpectedly walked into a gathering of fifteen people still having lunch when he was ready to eat dinner. He had opened the dining-room door without knowing and was greeted with laughter, forcing him to leave quickly due to the rude amusement of the women present.
Marguerite rose from table, and joined the duke in the next room, where she tried, as far as possible, to induce him to forget the incident, but the old man, wounded in his dignity, bore her a grudge for it, and could not forgive her. He said to her, somewhat cruelly, that he was tired of paying for the follies of a woman who could not even have him treated with respect under his own roof, and he went away in great indignation.
Marguerite stood up from the table and went to join the duke in the next room, where she did her best to help him move past the incident. However, the old man, upset over his pride, held a grudge against her and couldn't let it go. He told her, somewhat harshly, that he was fed up with having to deal with the mistakes of a woman who couldn’t even ensure he was treated with respect in his own home, and he left in a huff.
Since that day he had never been heard of.
Since that day, no one had heard from him.
In vain Marguerite dismissed her guests, changed her way of life; the duke was not to be heard of. I was the gainer in so far that my mistress now belonged to me more completely, and my dream was at length realized. Marguerite could not be without me. Not caring what the result might be, she publicly proclaimed our liaison, and I had come to live entirely at her house. The servants addressed me officially as their master.
In vain did Marguerite try to send her guests away and change her lifestyle; the duke was still nowhere to be found. I benefited in that my mistress was now fully mine, and my dream had finally come true. Marguerite couldn't stand to be without me. Without worrying about the consequences, she publicly declared our relationship, and I had moved in completely with her. The servants referred to me formally as their master.
Prudence had strictly sermonized Marguerite in regard to her new manner of life; but she had replied that she loved me, that she could not live without me, and that, happen what might, she would not sacrifice the pleasure of having me constantly with her, adding that those who were not satisfied with this arrangement were free to stay away. So much I had heard one day when Prudence had said to Marguerite that she had something very important to tell her, and I had listened at the door of the room into which they had shut themselves.
Prudence had lectured Marguerite about her new lifestyle, but Marguerite responded that she loved me, couldn't live without me, and that no matter what happened, she wouldn't give up the joy of having me with her all the time. She added that anyone who wasn't okay with this arrangement was welcome to stay away. I overheard this one day when Prudence told Marguerite she had something very important to share, and I was eavesdropping at the door of the room where they had isolated themselves.
Not long after, Prudence returned again. I was at the other end of the garden when she arrived, and she did not see me. I had no doubt, from the way in which Marguerite came to meet her, that another similar conversation was going to take place, and I was anxious to hear what it was about. The two women shut themselves into a boudoir, and I put myself within hearing.
Not long after, Prudence came back. I was at the far end of the garden when she got there, and she didn’t notice me. I could tell, from how Marguerite went to greet her, that another similar conversation was about to happen, and I was eager to listen in. The two women closed themselves off in a sitting room, and I made sure I could hear them.
“Well?” said Marguerite.
"Well?" Marguerite asked.
“Well, I have seen the duke.”
"Well, I've met the duke."
“What did he say?”
"What did he say?"
“That he would gladly forgive you in regard to the scene which took place, but that he has learned that you are publicly living with M. Armand Duval, and that he will never forgive that. ‘Let Marguerite leave the young man,’ he said to me, ‘and, as in the past, I will give her all that she requires; if not, let her ask nothing more from me.’”
“That he would be happy to forgive you about the incident that happened, but he has found out that you’re openly living with M. Armand Duval, and he will never forgive that. ‘Let Marguerite break up with the young man,’ he said to me, ‘and, like before, I’ll provide her with everything she needs; if not, she shouldn’t expect anything more from me.’”
“And you replied?”
"And you responded?"
“That I would report his decision to you, and I promised him that I would bring you into a more reasonable frame of mind. Only think, my dear child, of the position that you are losing, and that Armand can never give you. He loves you with all his soul, but he has no fortune capable of supplying your needs, and he will be bound to leave you one day, when it will be too late and when the duke will refuse to do any more for you. Would you like me to speak to Armand?”
“That I would report his decision to you, and I promised him that I would help you see things more clearly. Just think, my dear child, about the position you're giving up, which Armand can never provide for you. He loves you completely, but he doesn’t have the means to support your needs, and one day he will have to leave you, when it will be too late and the duke will refuse to help you anymore. Would you like me to talk to Armand?”
Marguerite seemed to be thinking, for she answered nothing. My heart beat violently while I waited for her reply.
Marguerite looked like she was deep in thought because she didn't say anything. My heart raced anxiously as I waited for her response.
“No,” she answered, “I will not leave Armand, and I will not conceal the fact that I am living with him. It is folly no doubt, but I love him. What would you have me do? And then, now that he has got accustomed to be always with me, he would suffer too cruelly if he had to leave me so much as an hour a day. Besides, I have not such a long time to live that I need make myself miserable in order to please an old man whose very sight makes me feel old. Let him keep his money; I will do without it.”
“No,” she replied, “I’m not leaving Armand, and I won’t hide the fact that I’m living with him. It’s definitely foolish, but I love him. What do you want me to do? And now that he’s gotten used to being with me all the time, he would suffer too much if he had to be apart from me for even an hour a day. Also, I don’t have much time left to live, so I’m not going to make myself unhappy just to please an old man who makes me feel old just by being around. He can keep his money; I’ll manage without it.”
“But what will you do?”
"But what are you going to do?"
“I don’t in the least know.”
"I have no clue."
Prudence was no doubt going to make some reply, but I entered suddenly and flung myself at Marguerite’s feet, covering her hands with tears in my joy at being thus loved.
Prudence was definitely about to say something, but I burst in and threw myself at Marguerite’s feet, covering her hands with tears of joy at being loved like this.
“My life is yours, Marguerite; you need this man no longer. Am I not here? Shall I ever leave you, and can I ever repay you for the happiness that you give me? No more barriers, my Marguerite; we love; what matters all the rest?”
"My life is yours, Marguerite; you don’t need this man anymore. Aren't I here? Will I ever leave you, and can I ever repay you for the happiness you bring me? No more barriers, my Marguerite; we love each other; what else matters?"
“Oh yes, I love you, my Armand,” she murmured, putting her two arms around my neck. “I love you as I never thought I should ever love. We will be happy; we will live quietly, and I will say good-bye forever to the life for which I now blush. You won’t ever reproach me for the past? Tell me!”
“Oh yes, I love you, my Armand,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I love you in a way I never thought possible. We’ll be happy; we’ll live peacefully, and I’ll say goodbye forever to the life I’m embarrassed about now. You won’t ever blame me for my past, will you? Tell me!”
Tears choked my voice. I could only reply by clasping Marguerite to my heart.
Tears filled my throat. I could only respond by holding Marguerite close to my heart.
“Well,” said she, turning to Prudence, and speaking in a broken voice, “you can report this scene to the duke, and you can add that we have no longer need of him.”
“Well,” she said, turning to Prudence and speaking in a shaky voice, “you can tell the duke about this situation, and you can add that we no longer need him.”
From that day forth the duke was never referred to. Marguerite was no longer the same woman that I had known. She avoided everything that might recall to me the life which she had been leading when I first met her. Never did wife or sister surround husband or brother with such loving care as she had for me. Her nature was morbidly open to all impressions and accessible to all sentiments. She had broken equally with her friends and with her ways, with her words and with her extravagances. Any one who had seen us leaving the house to go on the river in the charming little boat which I had bought would never have believed that the woman dressed in white, wearing a straw hat, and carrying on her arm a little silk pelisse to protect her against the damp of the river, was that Marguerite Gautier who, only four months ago, had been the talk of the town for the luxury and scandal of her existence.
From that day on, nobody talked about the duke anymore. Marguerite was no longer the same woman I had known. She avoided anything that might remind me of the life she had when we first met. No wife or sister ever cared for her husband or brother as deeply as she cared for me. Her nature was intensely open to all impressions and emotions. She had cut ties with her friends, her old habits, her words, and her excesses. Anyone who had seen us leaving the house to go on the river in the charming little boat I had bought would have never believed that the woman dressed in white, wearing a straw hat, and carrying a little silk coat to protect against the river’s chill was that Marguerite Gautier who, just four months ago, was the talk of the town for her luxurious and scandalous lifestyle.
Alas, we made haste to be happy, as if we knew that we were not to be happy long.
Unfortunately, we rushed to find happiness, as if we realized that our time to be happy was limited.
For two months we had not even been to Paris. No one came to see us, except Prudence and Julie Duprat, of whom I have spoken to you, and to whom Marguerite was afterward to give the touching narrative that I have there.
For two months, we hadn't even been to Paris. No one visited us, except for Prudence and Julie Duprat, who I've mentioned to you, and to whom Marguerite was later going to share the moving story that I've described there.
I passed whole days at the feet of my mistress. We opened the windows upon the garden, and, as we watched the summer ripening in its flowers and under the shadow of the trees, we breathed together that true life which neither Marguerite nor I had ever known before.
I spent whole days at my mistress's feet. We opened the windows to the garden, and as we watched summer blossom in its flowers and under the shade of the trees, we experienced that genuine life that neither Marguerite nor I had ever known before.
Her delight in the smallest things was like that of a child. There were days when she ran in the garden, like a child of ten, after a butterfly or a dragon-fly. This courtesan who had cost more money in bouquets than would have kept a whole family in comfort, would sometimes sit on the grass for an hour, examining the simple flower whose name she bore.
Her joy in the little things was like that of a child. There were days when she would run in the garden, like a ten-year-old, chasing a butterfly or a dragonfly. This courtesan, who had spent more on bouquets than would keep an entire family comfortable, would sometimes sit on the grass for an hour, studying the simple flower that shared her name.
It was at this time that she read Manon Lescaut, over and over again. I found her several times making notes in the book, and she always declared that when a woman loves, she can not do as Manon did.
It was during this time that she read Manon Lescaut repeatedly. I caught her several times taking notes in the book, and she always insisted that when a woman loves, she cannot act as Manon did.
The duke wrote to her two or three times. She recognised the writing and gave me the letters without reading them. Sometimes the terms of these letters brought tears to my eyes. He had imagined that by closing his purse to Marguerite, he would bring her back to him; but when he had perceived the uselessness of these means, he could hold out no longer; he wrote and asked that he might see her again, as before, no matter on what conditions.
The duke wrote to her a couple of times. She recognized the handwriting and handed me the letters without reading them. Sometimes the words in these letters brought tears to my eyes. He thought that by cutting off financial support to Marguerite, he could win her back; but when he realized that this approach wouldn’t work, he couldn't hold back any longer; he wrote asking to see her again, just like before, no matter what the conditions were.
I read these urgent and repeated letters, and tore them in pieces, without telling Marguerite what they contained and without advising her to see the old man again, though I was half inclined to, so much did I pity him, but I was afraid lest, if I so advised her she should think that I wished the duke, not merely to come and see her again, but to take over the expenses of the house; I feared, above all, that she might think me capable of shirking the responsibilities of every consequence to which her love for me might lead her.
I read those urgent and repeated letters and tore them into pieces, without telling Marguerite what they said or suggesting that she see the old man again, even though I was tempted to, because I felt so sorry for him. But I was concerned that if I suggested it, she might think I wanted the duke not just to visit her again, but to take on the bills for the house. Most of all, I worried that she might think I would avoid the responsibilities that might come from her love for me.
It thus came about that the duke, receiving no reply, ceased to write, and that Marguerite and I continued to live together without giving a thought to the future.
It turned out that the duke, getting no response, stopped writing, and Marguerite and I kept living together without thinking about the future.
Chapter XVIII
It would be difficult to give you all the details of our new life. It was made up of a series of little childish events, charming for us but insignificant to anyone else. You know what it is to be in love with a woman, you know how it cuts short the days, and with what loving listlessness one drifts into the morrow. You know that forgetfulness of everything which comes of a violent confident, reciprocated love. Every being who is not the beloved one seems a useless being in creation. One regrets having cast scraps of one’s heart to other women, and one can not believe in the possibility of ever pressing another hand than that which one holds between one’s hands. The mind admits neither work nor remembrance; nothing, in short, which can distract it from the one thought in which it is ceaselessly absorbed. Every day one discovers in one’s mistress a new charm and unknown delights. Existence itself is but the unceasing accomplishment of an unchanging desire; the soul is but the vestal charged to feed the sacred fire of love.
It would be hard to share all the details of our new life. It was full of little, childish moments that felt magical to us but would mean nothing to anyone else. You know what it's like to be in love with a woman; you know how it makes the days feel shorter and how lazily you drift into the next one. You understand that blissful forgetfulness that comes from a passionate, mutual love. Anyone who isn’t the one you love seems pointless in the grand scheme of things. You regret sharing bits of your heart with other women and can't imagine ever holding another hand besides the one you’re holding now. Your mind can’t focus on anything other than that one thought it's always occupied with. Every day, you discover new charms and pleasures in your partner. Life itself is just the continuous fulfillment of an unchanging desire; the soul is just the keeper of the sacred flame of love.
We often went at night-time to sit in the little wood above the house; there we listened to the cheerful harmonies of evening, both of us thinking of the coming hours which should leave us to one another till the dawn of day. At other times we did not get up all day; we did not even let the sunlight enter our room.
We often went out at night to sit in the small woods above the house; there we listened to the happy sounds of the evening, both of us thinking about the hours ahead, which would let us be together until dawn. Other times we stayed in all day; we didn't even let sunlight into our room.
The curtains were hermetically closed, and for a moment the external world did not exist for us. Nanine alone had the right to open our door, but only to bring in our meals and even these we took without getting up, interrupting them with laughter and gaiety. To that succeeded a brief sleep, for, disappearing into the depths of our love, we were like two divers who only come to the surface to take breath.
The curtains were tightly shut, and for a moment, the outside world didn’t exist for us. Only Nanine had the right to open our door, and that was just to bring us our meals, which we ate without getting up, interrupting our enjoyment with laughter and fun. After that, we took a short nap because, lost in the depths of our love, we were like two divers who only came up for air.
Nevertheless, I surprised moments of sadness, even tears, in Marguerite; I asked her the cause of her trouble, and she answered:
Nevertheless, I caught glimpses of sadness, even tears, in Marguerite; I asked her what was bothering her, and she replied:
“Our love is not like other loves, my Armand. You love me as if I had never belonged to another, and I tremble lest later on, repenting of your love, and accusing me of my past, you should let me fall back into that life from which you have taken me. I think that now that I have tasted of another life, I should die if I went back to the old one. Tell me that you will never leave me!”
“Our love isn’t like other loves, my Armand. You love me as if I've never belonged to anyone else, and I worry that later on, if you regret your love and blame me for my past, you might let me slip back into the life you saved me from. I feel that after experiencing a different life, I would die if I returned to the old one. Promise me that you will never leave me!”
“I swear it!”
“I swear!”
At these words she looked at me as if to read in my eyes whether my oath was sincere; then flung herself into my arms, and, hiding her head in my bosom, said to me: “You don’t know how much I love you!”
At these words, she looked at me as if trying to see in my eyes whether my promise was genuine; then she threw herself into my arms and, burying her head in my chest, said to me, “You have no idea how much I love you!”
One evening, seated on the balcony outside the window, we looked at the moon which seemed to rise with difficulty out of its bed of clouds, and we listened to the wind violently rustling the trees; we held each other’s hands, and for a whole quarter of an hour we had not spoken, when Marguerite said to me:
One evening, sitting on the balcony outside the window, we watched the moon struggle to rise from its bed of clouds, and we listened to the wind aggressively shaking the trees; we held hands, and for a whole fifteen minutes we didn't say a word, when Marguerite said to me:
“Winter is at hand. Would you like for us to go abroad?”
“Winter is here. Do you want us to go out?”
“Where?”
“Where at?”
“To Italy.”
"Going to Italy."
“You are tired of here?”
"Are you tired of this place?"
“I am afraid of the winter; I am particularly afraid of your return to Paris.”
“I’m scared of winter; I’m especially scared of you coming back to Paris.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“For many reasons.”
"For various reasons."
And she went on abruptly, without giving me her reasons for fears:
And she continued suddenly, without explaining her reasons for her fears:
“Will you go abroad? I will sell all that I have; we will go and live there, and there will be nothing left of what I was; no one will know who I am. Will you?”
“Are you going to move overseas? I’ll sell everything I own; we’ll go and live there, and I won’t have anything left of my old life; no one will know who I am. Will you?”
“By all means, if you like, Marguerite, let us travel,” I said. “But where is the necessity of selling things which you will be glad of when we return? I have not a large enough fortune to accept such a sacrifice; but I have enough for us to be able to travel splendidly for five or six months, if that will amuse you the least in the world.”
“Of course, if you want to, Marguerite, let’s go traveling,” I said. “But why do we need to sell things that you’ll be happy to have when we get back? I don’t have enough money to make that kind of sacrifice; but I have enough for us to travel in style for five or six months, if that would make you even a little happy.”
“After all, no,” she said, leaving the window and going to sit down on the sofa at the other end of the room. “Why should we spend money abroad? I cost you enough already, here.”
“After all, no,” she said, leaving the window and going to sit down on the sofa at the other end of the room. “Why should we spend money abroad? I’m already enough of a cost to you, here.”
“You reproach me, Marguerite; it isn’t generous.”
“You're blaming me, Marguerite; that's not kind.”
“Forgive me, my friend,” she said, giving me her hand. “This thunder weather gets on my nerves; I do not say what I intend to say.”
“Forgive me, my friend,” she said, extending her hand. “This thunderstorm is getting to me; I can't seem to say what I want to say.”
And after embracing me she fell into a long reverie.
And after hugging me, she fell into a long daydream.
Scenes of this kind often took place, and though I could not discover their cause, I could not fail to see in Marguerite signs of disquietude in regard to the future. She could not doubt my love, which increased day by day, and yet I often found her sad, without being able to get any explanation of the reason, except some physical cause. Fearing that so monotonous a life was beginning to weary her, I proposed returning to Paris; but she always refused, assuring me that she could not be so happy anywhere as in the country.
Scenes like this often happened, and even though I couldn't figure out why, I noticed that Marguerite seemed unsettled about the future. She couldn't doubt my love, which grew stronger every day, yet I often found her sad without being able to get any explanation, except for some physical issue. Worried that such a monotonous life was starting to bore her, I suggested we go back to Paris; but she always refused, insisting that she couldn't be as happy anywhere as she was in the country.
Prudence now came but rarely; but she often wrote letters which I never asked to see, though, every time they came, they seemed to preoccupy Marguerite deeply. I did not know what to think.
Prudence now visited infrequently; however, she frequently sent letters that I never asked to read, though every time they arrived, Marguerite seemed deeply absorbed by them. I didn't know what to make of it.
One day Marguerite was in her room. I entered. She was writing. “To whom are you writing?” I asked. “To Prudence. Do you want to see what I am writing?”
One day, Marguerite was in her room. I walked in. She was writing. “Who are you writing to?” I asked. “To Prudence. Do you want to see what I'm writing?”
I had a horror of anything that might look like suspicion, and I answered that I had no desire to know what she was writing; and yet I was certain that letter would have explained to me the cause of her sadness.
I was really afraid of anything that might seem like suspicion, so I said I didn't want to know what she was writing; yet I was sure that letter would have cleared up the reason for her sadness.
Next day the weather was splendid. Marguerite proposed to me to take the boat and go as far as the island of Croissy. She seemed very cheerful; when we got back it was five o’clock.
The next day, the weather was beautiful. Marguerite suggested we take the boat and go all the way to the island of Croissy. She seemed really happy; when we returned, it was five o’clock.
“Mme. Duvernoy has been here,” said Nanine, as she saw us enter. “She has gone again?” asked Marguerite.
“Mme. Duvernoy was here,” said Nanine as she noticed us walking in. “She left already?” asked Marguerite.
“Yes, madame, in the carriage; she said it was arranged.”
“Yes, ma'am, in the carriage; she said it was all set up.”
“Quite right,” said Marguerite sharply. “Serve the dinner.”
“Exactly,” Marguerite said sharply. “Serve the dinner.”
Two days afterward there came a letter from Prudence, and for a fortnight Marguerite seemed to have got rid of her mysterious gloom, for which she constantly asked my forgiveness, now that it no longer existed. Still, the carriage did not return.
Two days later, a letter from Prudence arrived, and for two weeks, Marguerite appeared to have shaken off her mysterious sadness, for which she continually sought my forgiveness now that it was gone. However, the carriage did not come back.
“How is it that Prudence does not send you back your carriage?” I asked one day.
“How come Prudence hasn't returned your carriage?” I asked one day.
“One of the horses is ill, and there are some repairs to be done. It is better to have that done while we are here, and don’t need a carriage, than to wait till we get back to Paris.”
“One of the horses is sick, and we have some repairs to take care of. It's better to get that done while we're here and don’t need a carriage, rather than wait until we get back to Paris.”
Prudence came two days afterward, and confirmed what Marguerite had said. The two women went for a walk in the garden, and when I joined them they changed the conversation. That night, as she was going, Prudence complained of the cold and asked Marguerite to lend her a shawl.
Prudence came two days later and confirmed what Marguerite had said. The two women went for a walk in the garden, and when I joined them, they changed the subject. That night, as she was leaving, Prudence complained about the cold and asked Marguerite to lend her a shawl.
So a month passed, and all the time Marguerite was more joyous and more affectionate than she ever had been. Nevertheless, the carriage did not return, the shawl had not been sent back, and I began to be anxious in spite of myself, and as I knew in which drawer Marguerite put Prudence’s letters, I took advantage of a moment when she was at the other end of the garden, went to the drawer, and tried to open it; in vain, for it was locked. When I opened the drawer in which the trinkets and diamonds were usually kept, these opened without resistance, but the jewel cases had disappeared, along with their contents no doubt.
So a month went by, and during that time, Marguerite was happier and more affectionate than she had ever been. However, the carriage still hadn’t come back, the shawl hadn’t been returned, and I started to feel anxious despite myself. Knowing where Marguerite kept Prudence’s letters, I took the chance when she was at the other end of the garden to go to the drawer and try to open it; but it was locked. When I opened the drawer that usually held the trinkets and diamonds, it opened easily, but the jewelry boxes were gone along with everything inside them.
A sharp fear penetrated my heart. I might indeed ask Marguerite for the truth in regard to these disappearances, but it was certain that she would not confess it.
A sharp fear pierced my heart. I could definitely ask Marguerite for the truth about these disappearances, but I was sure she wouldn't admit it.
“My good Marguerite,” I said to her, “I am going to ask your permission to go to Paris. They do not know my address, and I expect there are letters from my father waiting for me. I have no doubt he is concerned; I ought to answer him.”
“My dear Marguerite,” I said to her, “I’d like to ask for your permission to go to Paris. They don’t know my address, and I’m sure there are letters from my father waiting for me. I have no doubt he’s worried; I should respond to him.”
“Go, my friend,” she said; “but be back early.” I went straight to Prudence.
“Go ahead, my friend,” she said; “but come back early.” I went straight to Prudence.
“Come,” said I, without beating about the bush, “tell me frankly, where are Marguerite’s horses?”
“Come on,” I said directly, “just tell me honestly, where are Marguerite’s horses?”
“Sold.”
"Sold!"
“The shawl?”
“The scarf?”
“Sold.”
“Sold!”
“The diamonds?”
“The diamonds?”
“Pawned.”
“Pawned.”
“And who has sold and pawned them?”
“And who has sold and pawned them?”
“I.”
“I.”
“Why did you not tell me?”
"Why didn’t you let me know?"
“Because Marguerite made me promise not to.”
“Because Marguerite made me promise that I wouldn't.”
“And why did you not ask me for money?”
“And why didn’t you ask me for money?”
“Because she wouldn’t let me.”
"Because she wouldn't allow me."
“And where has this money gone?”
“And where has this money gone?”
“In payments.”
"In payments."
“Is she much in debt?”
“Is she in a lot of debt?”
“Thirty thousand francs, or thereabouts. Ah, my dear fellow, didn’t I tell you? You wouldn’t believe me; now you are convinced. The upholsterer whom the duke had agreed to settle with was shown out of the house when he presented himself, and the duke wrote next day to say that he would answer for nothing in regard to Mlle. Gautier. This man wanted his money; he was given part payment out of the few thousand francs that I got from you; then some kind souls warned him that his debtor had been abandoned by the duke and was living with a penniless young man; the other creditors were told the same; they asked for their money, and seized some of the goods. Marguerite wanted to sell everything, but it was too late, and besides I should have opposed it. But it was necessary to pay, and in order not to ask you for money, she sold her horses and her shawls, and pawned her jewels. Would you like to see the receipts and the pawn tickets?”
"About thirty thousand francs. Ah, my friend, didn’t I tell you? You wouldn't believe me; now you see it's true. The upholsterer the duke had agreed to pay was shown out of the house when he came by, and the duke wrote the next day to say he would take no responsibility for Mlle. Gautier. This guy wanted his money; he got part of it from the few thousand francs I received from you; then some good-hearted people warned him that his debtor had been ditched by the duke and was living with a broke young man; the other creditors heard the same thing; they started demanding their money and took some of the belongings. Marguerite wanted to sell everything, but it was too late, and I would have objected anyway. But it was necessary to pay, and to avoid asking you for more money, she sold her horses and shawls and pawned her jewelry. Would you like to see the receipts and the pawn tickets?"
And Prudence opened the drawer and showed me the papers.
And Prudence opened the drawer and showed me the documents.
“Ah, you think,” she continued, with the insistence of a woman who can say, I was right after all, “ah, you think it is enough to be in love, and to go into the country and lead a dreamy, pastoral life. No, my friend, no. By the side of that ideal life, there is a material life, and the purest resolutions are held to earth by threads which seem slight enough, but which are of iron, not easily to be broken. If Marguerite has not been unfaithful to you twenty times, it is because she has an exceptional nature. It is not my fault for not advising her to, for I couldn’t bear to see the poor girl stripping herself of everything. She wouldn’t; she replied that she loved you, and she wouldn’t be unfaithful to you for anything in the world. All that is very pretty, very poetical, but one can’t pay one’s creditors in that coin, and now she can’t free herself from debt, unless she can raise thirty thousand francs.”
“Ah, you think,” she continued, with the insistence of someone who can say, I was right after all, “ah, you think it's enough to be in love and to go to the countryside to live a dreamy, pastoral life. No, my friend, no. Alongside that ideal life, there's a material life, and the purest intentions are anchored by threads that seem delicate, but are actually made of iron, not easily broken. If Marguerite hasn't been unfaithful to you twenty times, it’s because she has an exceptional nature. It’s not my fault for not advising her to, because I couldn’t stand to see the poor girl give up everything. She wouldn’t; she said she loved you, and wouldn’t be unfaithful to you for anything in the world. That all sounds lovely and poetic, but you can’t pay your creditors with that, and now she can’t get out of debt unless she can come up with thirty thousand francs.”
“All right, I will provide that amount.”
"Okay, I will provide that amount."
“You will borrow it?”
"Are you going to borrow it?"
“Good heavens! Why, yes!”
“Wow! Yes, definitely!”
“A fine thing that will be to do; you will fall out with your father, cripple your resources, and one doesn’t find thirty thousand francs from one day to another. Believe me, my dear Armand, I know women better than you do; do not commit this folly; you will be sorry for it one day. Be reasonable. I don’t advise you to leave Marguerite, but live with her as you did at the beginning. Let her find the means to get out of this difficulty. The duke will come back in a little while. The Comte de N., if she would take him, he told me yesterday even, would pay all her debts, and give her four or five thousand francs a month. He has two hundred thousand a year. It would be a position for her, while you will certainly be obliged to leave her. Don’t wait till you are ruined, especially as the Comte de N. is a fool, and nothing would prevent your still being Marguerite’s lover. She would cry a little at the beginning, but she would come to accustom herself to it, and you would thank me one day for what you had done. Imagine that Marguerite is married, and deceive the husband; that is all. I have already told you all this once, only at that time it was merely advice, and now it is almost a necessity.”
"That would be a big mistake; you’ll end up fighting with your father, ruin your finances, and you can’t just come up with thirty thousand francs overnight. Trust me, my dear Armand, I know women better than you do; don’t make this mistake; you’ll regret it someday. Be sensible. I’m not telling you to leave Marguerite, but go back to how things were at the start. Let her figure out how to get out of this mess. The duke will return soon. The Comte de N., if she’s willing, told me just yesterday that he would pay off all her debts and give her four or five thousand francs a month. He makes two hundred thousand a year. That would be a good situation for her, while you’ll definitely have to leave her. Don’t wait until you’re broke, especially since the Comte de N. is a fool, and nothing would stop you from still being Marguerite’s lover. She might cry at first, but she would get used to it, and one day you would thank me for what you’ve done. Just imagine Marguerite is married, and you deceive her husband; that’s all. I’ve already told you this once, but back then it was just advice, and now it’s almost a necessity."
What Prudence said was cruelly true.
What Prudence said was harshly true.
“This is how it is,” she went on, putting away the papers she had just shown me; “women like Marguerite always foresee that someone will love them, never that they will love; otherwise they would put aside money, and at thirty they could afford the luxury of having a lover for nothing. If I had only known once what I know now! In short, say nothing to Marguerite, and bring her back to Paris. You have lived with her alone for four or five months; that is quite enough. Shut your eyes now; that is all that anyone asks of you. At the end of a fortnight she will take the Comte de N., and she will save up during the winter, and next summer you will begin over again. That is how things are done, my dear fellow!”
“This is how it is,” she continued, putting away the papers she had just shown me; “women like Marguerite always expect someone to love them, never that they will love in return; otherwise, they’d save some money, and by thirty, they could afford the luxury of having a lover without any strings attached. If I had only known back then what I know now! In short, say nothing to Marguerite, and bring her back to Paris. You’ve spent four or five months alone with her; that’s more than enough. Just close your eyes now; that’s all anyone asks of you. After two weeks, she’ll take up with the Comte de N., and she’ll save up during the winter, and next summer, you’ll start over again. That’s how things work, my dear fellow!”
And Prudence appeared to be enchanted with her advice, which I refused indignantly.
And Prudence seemed to be thrilled with her advice, which I flatly rejected.
Not only my love and my dignity would not let me act thus, but I was certain that, feeling as she did now, Marguerite would die rather than accept another lover.
Not only would my love and my dignity prevent me from acting that way, but I was sure that, feeling as she did now, Marguerite would rather die than take another lover.
“Enough joking,” I said to Prudence; “tell me exactly how much Marguerite is in need of.”
“Enough joking,” I said to Prudence; “tell me exactly how much Marguerite needs.”
“I have told you: thirty thousand francs.”
“I’ve told you: thirty thousand francs.”
“And when does she require this sum?”
“And when does she need this amount?”
“Before the end of two months.”
“Before the end of two months.”
“She shall have it.”
"She will have it."
Prudence shrugged her shoulders.
Prudence shrugged.
“I will give it to you,” I continued, “but you must swear to me that you will not tell Marguerite that I have given it to you.”
“I'll give it to you,” I continued, “but you have to promise me that you won't tell Marguerite I gave it to you.”
“Don’t be afraid.”
"Don't be scared."
“And if she sends you anything else to sell or pawn, let me know.”
“And if she gives you anything else to sell or pawn, just let me know.”
“There is no danger. She has nothing left.”
“There’s no danger. She has nothing left.”
I went straight to my own house to see if there were any letters from my father. There were four.
I went directly to my house to check if there were any letters from my dad. There were four.
Chapter XIX
In his first three letters my father inquired the cause of my silence; in the last he allowed me to see that he had heard of my change of life, and informed me that he was about to come and see me.
In his first three letters, my father asked why I hadn't been in touch; in the last one, he let me know that he'd heard about my change in lifestyle and told me he was planning to come visit me.
I have always had a great respect and a sincere affection for my father. I replied that I had been travelling for a short time, and begged him to let me know beforehand what day he would arrive, so that I could be there to meet him.
I have always respected and cared for my father deeply. I told him that I had been traveling for a little while and asked him to let me know in advance what day he would arrive, so I could be there to meet him.
I gave my servant my address in the country, telling him to bring me the first letter that came with the postmark of C., then I returned to Bougival.
I gave my servant my address in the countryside, asking him to bring me the first letter that had the postmark of C., then I went back to Bougival.
Marguerite was waiting for me at the garden gate. She looked at me anxiously. Throwing her arms round my neck, she said to me: “Have you seen Prudence?”
Marguerite was waiting for me at the garden gate. She looked at me nervously. Throwing her arms around my neck, she said, “Have you seen Prudence?”
“No.”
“Nope.”
“You were a long time in Paris.”
“You spent a long time in Paris.”
“I found letters from my father to which I had to reply.”
“I found letters from my dad that I needed to respond to.”
A few minutes afterward Nanine entered, all out of breath. Marguerite rose and talked with her in whispers. When Nanine had gone out Marguerite sat down by me again and said, taking my hand:
A few minutes later, Nanine walked in, breathless. Marguerite stood up and whispered with her. When Nanine left, Marguerite sat back down next to me and said, taking my hand:
“Why did you deceive me? You went to see Prudence.”
“Why did you lie to me? You went to see Prudence.”
“Who told you?”
“Who said that?”
“Nanine.”
“Nanine.”
“And how did she know?”
“And how did she find out?”
“She followed you.”
"She tracked you."
“You told her to follow me?”
“You asked her to follow me?”
“Yes. I thought that you must have had a very strong motive for going to Paris, after not leaving me for four months. I was afraid that something might happen to you, or that you were perhaps going to see another woman.”
“Yes. I thought you must have had a really strong reason for going to Paris after staying with me for four months. I was worried that something might happen to you, or that you were maybe going to see another woman.”
“Child!”
“Kid!”
“Now I am relieved. I know what you have done, but I don’t yet know what you have been told.”
“Now I'm relieved. I know what you did, but I still don't know what you’ve been told.”
I showed Marguerite my father’s letters.
I showed Marguerite my dad’s letters.
“That is not what I am asking you about. What I want to know is why you went to see Prudence.”
“That’s not what I’m asking you about. What I want to know is why you went to see Prudence.”
“To see her.”
"To see her."
“That’s a lie, my friend.”
"That's a lie, my dude."
“Well, I went to ask her if the horse was any better, and if she wanted your shawl and your jewels any longer.”
“Well, I went to ask her if the horse was doing any better, and if she still wanted your shawl and your jewels.”
Marguerite blushed, but did not answer.
Marguerite blushed but didn't respond.
“And,” I continued, “I learned what you had done with your horses, shawls, and jewels.”
“And,” I continued, “I found out what you did with your horses, shawls, and jewels.”
“And you are vexed?”
"And you’re annoyed?"
“I am vexed that it never occurred to you to ask me for what you were in want of.”
“I'm annoyed that you never thought to ask me for what you needed.”
“In a liaison like ours, if the woman has any sense of dignity at all, she ought to make every possible sacrifice rather than ask her lover for money and so give a venal character to her love. You love me, I am sure, but you do not know on how slight a thread depends the love one has for a woman like me. Who knows? Perhaps some day when you were bored or worried you would fancy you saw a carefully concerted plan in our liaison. Prudence is a chatterbox. What need had I of the horses? It was an economy to sell them. I don’t use them and I don’t spend anything on their keep; if you love me, I ask nothing more, and you will love me just as much without horses, or shawls, or diamonds.”
“In a relationship like ours, if a woman has any self-respect at all, she should do everything possible instead of asking her lover for money and making her love seem transactional. You love me, I’m sure, but you don’t realize how fragile the feelings can be for someone like me. Who knows? Maybe someday, when you feel bored or anxious, you might think our relationship was all planned out. Caution has a way of talking too much. Why did I even need the horses? Selling them was practical. I don’t use them and I’m not spending anything on their care; if you love me, that’s all that matters, and you’ll love me just as much without horses, or shawls, or diamonds.”
All that was said so naturally that the tears came to my eyes as I listened.
All of that was said so naturally that tears filled my eyes as I listened.
“But, my good Marguerite,” I replied, pressing her hands lovingly, “you knew that one day I should discover the sacrifice you had made, and that the moment I discovered it I should allow it no longer.”
“But, my dear Marguerite,” I replied, holding her hands gently, “you knew that eventually I would find out about the sacrifice you made, and that once I did, I wouldn’t let it go on any longer.”
“But why?”
“But why though?”
“Because, my dear child, I can not allow your affection for me to deprive you of even a trinket. I too should not like you to be able, in a moment when you were bored or worried, to think that if you were living with somebody else those moments would not exist; and to repent, if only for a minute, of living with me. In a few days your horses, your diamonds, and your shawls shall be returned to you. They are as necessary to you as air is to life, and it may be absurd, but I like you better showy than simple.”
“Because, my dear child, I can’t let your feelings for me take away even a little something from you. I wouldn’t want you to think that if you were living with someone else, those times of boredom or worry wouldn’t happen; and to regret, even for a moment, being with me. In a few days, your horses, your diamonds, and your shawls will be returned to you. They are as essential to you as air is to life, and it might be silly, but I prefer you to be flashy rather than plain.”
“Then you no longer love me.”
“Then you don’t love me anymore.”
“Foolish creature!”
"Foolish being!"
“If you loved me, you would let me love you my own way; on the contrary, you persist in only seeing in me a woman to whom luxury is indispensable, and whom you think you are always obliged to pay. You are ashamed to accept the proof of my love. In spite of yourself, you think of leaving me some day, and you want to put your disinterestedness beyond risk of suspicion. You are right, my friend, but I had better hopes.”
“If you really loved me, you would let me love you in my own way; instead, you keep seeing me as a woman who needs luxury and whom you feel you always have to support financially. You’re embarrassed to accept the proof of my love. Deep down, you’re thinking about leaving me someday, and you want to make sure your generosity can’t be questioned. You’re not wrong, my friend, but I hoped for better.”
And Marguerite made a motion to rise; I held her, and said to her:
And Marguerite tried to stand up; I stopped her and said:
“I want you to be happy and to have nothing to reproach me for, that is all.”
"I just want you to be happy and have no reason to blame me, that's all."
“And we are going to be separated!”
“And we’re going to be separated!”
“Why, Marguerite, who can separate us?” I cried.
“Why, Marguerite, who can keep us apart?” I exclaimed.
“You, who will not let me take you on your own level, but insist on taking me on mine; you, who wish me to keep the luxury in the midst of which I have lived, and so keep the moral distance which separates us; you, who do not believe that my affection is sufficiently disinterested to share with me what you have, though we could live happily enough on it together, and would rather ruin yourself, because you are still bound by a foolish prejudice. Do you really think that I could compare a carriage and diamonds with your love? Do you think that my real happiness lies in the trifles that mean so much when one has nothing to love, but which become trifling indeed when one has? You will pay my debts, realize your estate, and then keep me? How long will that last? Two or three months, and then it will be too late to live the life I propose, for then you will have to take everything from me, and that is what a man of honour can not do; while now you have eight or ten thousand francs a year, on which we should be able to live. I will sell the rest of what I do not want, and with this alone I will make two thousand francs a year. We will take a nice little flat in which we can both live. In the summer we will go into the country, not to a house like this, but to a house just big enough for two people. You are independent, I am free, we are young; in heaven’s name, Armand, do not drive me back into the life I had to lead once!”
"You, who refuse to meet me on your level and want me to stay on mine; you, who want me to hold on to the luxury I’ve lived in, which keeps the moral distance between us; you, who doubt that my love is selfless enough to share what you have with me, despite the fact we could be happy with it together, and would rather sabotage yourself because of some outdated belief. Do you really think I could equate a carriage and diamonds with your love? Do you believe my true happiness lies in the things that matter so much when there’s no one to love, but become meaningless when I do? You plan to pay my debts, manage your estate, and then keep me around? How long do you think that will last? Maybe two or three months, and then it will be too late for the life I want, because then you'd have to take everything from me, and that’s something a man of honor can’t do. Right now, you have eight or ten thousand francs a year that we could live off. I’ll sell the rest of what I don’t need, and that alone would bring in two thousand francs a year. We can find a nice little flat for both of us. In the summer, we’ll go to the countryside, not to a big house like this, but to a place just big enough for two people. You’re independent, I’m free, we’re young; for heaven’s sake, Armand, don’t push me back into the life I had to leave behind!"
I could not answer. Tears of gratitude and love filled my eyes, and I flung myself into Marguerite’s arms.
I couldn't respond. Tears of gratitude and love filled my eyes, and I threw myself into Marguerite's arms.
“I wanted,” she continued, “to arrange everything without telling you, pay all my debts, and take a new flat. In October we should have been back in Paris, and all would have come out; but since Prudence has told you all, you will have to agree beforehand, instead of agreeing afterward. Do you love me enough for that?”
“I wanted,” she continued, “to handle everything without letting you know, pay off all my debts, and get a new apartment. In October, we should have been back in Paris, and it all would have worked out; but since Prudence has shared everything with you, you’ll need to agree ahead of time instead of after. Do you love me enough for that?”
It was impossible to resist such devotion. I kissed her hands ardently, and said:
It was impossible to resist such devotion. I kissed her hands passionately and said:
“I will do whatever you wish.”
"I'll do anything you need."
It was agreed that we should do as she had planned. Thereupon, she went wild with delight; danced, sang, amused herself with calling up pictures of her new flat in all its simplicity, and began to consult me as to its position and arrangement. I saw how happy and proud she was of this resolution, which seemed as if it would bring us into closer and closer relationship, and I resolved to do my own share. In an instant I decided the whole course of my life. I put my affairs in order, and made over to Marguerite the income which had come to me from my mother, and which seemed little enough in return for the sacrifice which I was accepting. There remained the five thousand francs a year from my father; and, whatever happened, I had always enough to live on. I did not tell Marguerite what I had done, certain as I was that she would refuse the gift. This income came from a mortgage of sixty thousand francs on a house that I had never even seen. All that I knew was that every three months my father’s solicitor, an old friend of the family, handed over to me seven hundred and fifty francs in return for my receipt.
It was agreed that we should follow her plan. As a result, she became incredibly happy, danced, sang, and entertained herself by imagining her new apartment in all its simplicity. She started asking me about its location and layout. I could see how thrilled and proud she was of this decision, which seemed to be bringing us closer together, so I committed to doing my part. In that moment, I decided the entire direction of my life. I got my affairs in order and transferred to Marguerite the income I had received from my mother, which seemed small compared to the sacrifice I was making. I still had the five thousand francs a year from my father, and no matter what happened, I always had enough to get by. I didn’t tell Marguerite what I had done, knowing she would refuse the gift. This income was from a mortgage of sixty thousand francs on a house I had never even seen. All I knew was that every three months, my father’s lawyer, an old family friend, handed me seven hundred and fifty francs in exchange for my receipt.
The day when Marguerite and I came to Paris to look for a flat, I went to this solicitor and asked him what had to be done in order to make over this income to another person. The good man imagined I was ruined, and questioned me as to the cause of my decision. As I knew that I should be obliged, sooner or later, to say in whose favour I made this transfer, I thought it best to tell him the truth at once. He made none of the objections that his position as friend and solicitor authorized him to make, and assured me that he would arrange the whole affair in the best way possible. Naturally, I begged him to employ the greatest discretion in regard to my father, and on leaving him I rejoined Marguerite, who was waiting for me at Julie Duprat’s, where she had gone in preference to going to listen to the moralizings of Prudence.
The day Marguerite and I went to Paris to look for an apartment, I visited a solicitor and asked him what needed to be done to transfer this income to someone else. The kind man thought I was in serious trouble and asked why I was making this decision. Since I knew I would eventually have to reveal who I was transferring this to, I decided it was best to be honest with him right away. He didn’t raise any objections that a friend and solicitor might typically make and assured me that he would handle everything as smoothly as possible. Naturally, I asked him to keep everything very discreet regarding my father, and after leaving his office, I joined Marguerite, who was waiting for me at Julie Duprat’s, where she had chosen to go instead of listening to Prudence’s moralizing.
We began to look out for flats. All those that we saw seemed to Marguerite too dear, and to me too simple. However, we finally found, in one of the quietest parts of Paris, a little house, isolated from the main part of the building. Behind this little house was a charming garden, surrounded by walls high enough to screen us from our neighbours, and low enough not to shut off our own view. It was better than our expectations.
We started searching for apartments. All the ones we looked at seemed too expensive for Marguerite and too basic for me. However, we eventually found a small house in one of the quieter parts of Paris, separate from the main building. Behind this little house was a lovely garden, surrounded by walls that were tall enough to provide privacy from our neighbors but low enough to keep our own view open. It was better than we expected.
While I went to give notice at my own flat, Marguerite went to see a business agent, who, she told me, had already done for one of her friends exactly what she wanted him to do for her. She came on to the Rue de Provence in a state of great delight. The man had promised to pay all her debts, to give her a receipt for the amount, and to hand over to her twenty thousand francs, in return for the whole of her furniture. You have seen by the amount taken at the sale that this honest man would have gained thirty thousand francs out of his client.
While I went to give notice at my apartment, Marguerite went to see a real estate agent, who, she told me, had already done exactly what she wanted for one of her friends. She came to Rue de Provence looking really happy. The man had promised to pay all her debts, give her a receipt for the amount, and hand her twenty thousand francs in exchange for all her furniture. You can see from the amount taken at the sale that this honest man would have made thirty thousand francs from his client.
We went back joyously to Bougival, talking over our projects for the future, which, thanks to our heedlessness, and especially to our love, we saw in the rosiest light.
We happily returned to Bougival, discussing our plans for the future, which, due to our carefree attitude and especially our love, we saw in the most optimistic way.
A week later, as we were having lunch, Nanine came to tell us that my servant was asking for me. “Let him come in,” I said.
A week later, while we were having lunch, Nanine came to let us know that my servant was asking for me. “Let him come in,” I said.
“Sir,” said he, “your father has arrived in Paris, and begs you to return at once to your rooms, where he is waiting for you.”
“Sir,” he said, “your father has arrived in Paris and is asking you to go back to your rooms right away, where he's waiting for you.”
This piece of news was the most natural thing in the world, yet, as we heard it, Marguerite and I looked at one another. We foresaw trouble. Before she had spoken a word, I replied to her thought, and, taking her hand, I said, “Fear nothing.”
This news was the most normal thing ever, but when we heard it, Marguerite and I exchanged glances. We sensed trouble. Before she could say anything, I answered her thoughts and, taking her hand, I said, “Don’t worry.”
“Come back as soon as possible,” whispered Marguerite, embracing me; “I will wait for you at the window.”
“Come back as soon as you can,” whispered Marguerite, wrapping her arms around me; “I’ll be waiting for you at the window.”
I sent on Joseph to tell my father that I was on my way. Two hours later I was at the Rue de Provence.
I sent Joseph to let my dad know I was on my way. Two hours later, I arrived at Rue de Provence.
Chapter XX
My father was seated in my room in his dressing-gown; he was writing, and I saw at once, by the way in which he raised his eyes to me when I came in, that there was going to be a serious discussion. I went up to him, all the same, as if I had seen nothing in his face, embraced him, and said:
My dad was sitting in my room in his robe, writing. I could tell from the way he looked up at me when I walked in that a serious talk was coming. Regardless, I approached him as if I hadn't noticed anything in his expression, hugged him, and said:
“When did you come, father?”
“When did you arrive, Dad?”
“Last night.”
“Last night.”
“Did you come straight here, as usual?”
“Did you come straight here like you always do?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“I am very sorry not to have been here to receive you.”
“I’m really sorry I wasn’t here to welcome you.”
I expected that the sermon which my father’s cold face threatened would begin at once; but he said nothing, sealed the letter which he had just written, and gave it to Joseph to post.
I thought the lecture my father's cold expression promised would start right away; but he didn’t say anything, sealed the letter he had just written, and handed it to Joseph to mail.
When we were alone, my father rose, and leaning against the mantel-piece, said to me:
When we were alone, my father stood up and leaned against the mantelpiece, saying to me:
“My dear Armand, we have serious matters to discuss.”
“My dear Armand, we need to talk about something serious.”
“I am listening, father.”
“I'm listening, Dad.”
“You promise me to be frank?”
“Do you promise to be honest with me?”
“Am I not accustomed to be so?”
“Am I not used to being like this?”
“Is it not true that you are living with a woman called Marguerite Gautier?”
“Isn’t it true that you’re living with a woman named Marguerite Gautier?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you know what this woman was?”
“Do you know who this woman was?”
“A kept woman.”
“A kept woman.”
“And it is for her that you have forgotten to come and see your sister and me this year?”
“And is that why you’ve forgotten to visit your sister and me this year?”
“Yes, father, I admit it.”
"Yeah, dad, I admit it."
“You are very much in love with this woman?”
“You're really in love with this woman?”
“You see it, father, since she has made me fail in duty toward you, for which I humbly ask your forgiveness to-day.”
“You see it, Dad, since she has caused me to fail in my duty to you, for which I humbly ask for your forgiveness today.”
My father, no doubt, was not expecting such categorical answers, for he seemed to reflect a moment, and then said to me:
My dad definitely wasn't expecting such straightforward answers, because he paused for a moment, then said to me:
“You have, of course, realized that you can not always live like that?”
“You know, of course, that you can’t always live like that?”
“I fear so, father, but I have not realized it.”
“I’m afraid so, dad, but I hadn’t realized it.”
“But you must realize,” continued my father, in a dryer tone, “that I, at all events, should not permit it.”
“But you need to understand,” my father continued, his tone more serious, “that I definitely wouldn’t allow it.”
“I have said to myself that as long as I did nothing contrary to the respect which I owe to the traditional probity of the family I could live as I am living, and this has reassured me somewhat in regard to the fears I have had.”
“I’ve told myself that as long as I don’t do anything disrespectful to the family’s traditional integrity, I can live the way I am living, and this has made me feel a bit better about my worries.”
Passions are formidable enemies to sentiment. I was prepared for every struggle, even with my father, in order that I might keep Marguerite.
Passions are powerful opponents to feelings. I was ready to face any challenge, even with my father, to keep Marguerite.
“Then, the moment is come when you must live otherwise.”
“Then, the time has come when you need to live differently.”
“Why, father?”
"Why, dad?"
“Because you are doing things which outrage the respect that you imagine you have for your family.”
“Because you are doing things that go against the respect you think you have for your family.”
“I don’t follow your meaning.”
"I don’t understand what you mean."
“I will explain it to you. Have a mistress if you will; pay her as a man of honour is bound to pay the woman whom he keeps, by all means; but that you should come to forget the most sacred things for her, that you should let the report of your scandalous life reach my quiet countryside, and set a blot on the honourable name that I have given you, it can not, it shall not be.”
“I'll explain it to you. If you want to have a mistress, go ahead; pay her as a man of honor is obligated to pay the woman he’s involved with, no doubt. But for you to forget the most sacred things because of her, to let news of your disgraceful life reach my peaceful countryside and tarnish the respectable name I’ve given you, that can’t happen, it mustn’t.”
“Permit me to tell you, father, that those who have given you information about me have been ill-informed. I am the lover of Mlle. Gautier; I live with her; it is the most natural thing in the world. I do not give Mlle. Gautier the name you have given me; I spend on her account what my means allow me to spend; I have no debts; and, in short, I am not in a position which authorizes a father to say to his son what you have just said to me.”
“Let me tell you, Dad, that the people who have told you about me are mistaken. I’m in love with Mlle. Gautier; we live together; it's completely normal. I don’t give Mlle. Gautier the label you’ve assigned to me; I spend on her what I can afford; I have no debts; and, to sum it up, I’m not in a situation where a father should say what you just said to me.”
“A father is always authorized to rescue his son out of evil paths. You have not done any harm yet, but you will do it.”
“A father is always allowed to save his son from bad choices. You haven’t caused any harm yet, but you will.”
“Father!”
“Dad!”
“Sir, I know more of life than you do. There are no entirely pure sentiments except in perfectly chaste women. Every Manon can have her own Des Grieux, and times are changed. It would be useless for the world to grow older if it did not correct its ways. You will leave your mistress.”
“Sir, I understand life better than you do. There are no completely pure feelings except in perfectly virtuous women. Every Manon can have her own Des Grieux, and times have changed. It would be pointless for the world to grow older if it didn’t improve its ways. You will leave your girlfriend.”
“I am very sorry to disobey you, father, but it is impossible.”
“I’m really sorry to go against you, Dad, but I can’t do it.”
“I will compel you to do so.”
“I will make you do it.”
“Unfortunately, father, there no longer exists a Sainte Marguerite to which courtesans can be sent, and, even if there were, I would follow Mlle. Gautier if you succeeded in having her sent there. What would you have? Perhaps I am in the wrong, but I can only be happy as long as I am the lover of this woman.”
“Unfortunately, Dad, there’s no longer a Sainte Marguerite where courtesans can be sent, and even if there were, I would still choose to be with Mlle. Gautier if you managed to get her sent there. What do you expect? Maybe I’m mistaken, but I can only be happy as long as I’m this woman’s lover.”
“Come, Armand, open your eyes. Recognise that it is your father who speaks to you, your father who has always loved you, and who only desires your happiness. Is it honourable for you to live like husband and wife with a woman whom everybody has had?”
“Come on, Armand, open your eyes. Understand that it’s your father speaking to you, your father who has always loved you and only wants your happiness. Is it honorable for you to live with a woman like you’re married when everyone else has been with her?”
“What does it matter, father, if no one will any more? What does it matter, if this woman loves me, if her whole life is changed through the love which she has for me and the love which I have for her? What does it matter, if she has become a different woman?”
“What does it matter, Dad, if no one cares anymore? What does it matter, if this woman loves me, if her whole life has changed because of the love she has for me and the love I have for her? What does it matter, if she has become a different person?”
“Do you think, then, sir, that the mission of a man of honour is to go about converting lost women? Do you think that God has given such a grotesque aim to life, and that the heart should have any room for enthusiasm of that kind? What will be the end of this marvellous cure, and what will you think of what you are saying to-day by the time you are forty? You will laugh at this love of yours, if you can still laugh, and if it has not left too serious a trace in your past. What would you be now if your father had had your ideas and had given up his life to every impulse of this kind, instead of rooting himself firmly in convictions of honour and steadfastness? Think it over, Armand, and do not talk any more such absurdities. Come, leave this woman; your father entreats you.”
“Do you really believe, then, that a man of honor’s purpose is to go around saving lost women? Do you think God has given such a ridiculous goal to life, and that the heart should have any space for that kind of enthusiasm? What will come of this amazing cure, and what will you think of what you’re saying today when you’re forty? You’ll probably laugh at this love of yours, if you still can laugh, and if it hasn’t left too serious a mark on your past. What would you be now if your father had your ideas and had dedicated his life to every impulse like this, instead of firmly standing by his values of honor and integrity? Think about it, Armand, and stop saying such craziness. Come on, leave this woman; your father is begging you.”
I answered nothing.
I didn’t say anything.
“Armand,” continued my father, “in the name of your sainted mother, abandon this life, which you will forget more easily than you think. You are tied to it by an impossible theory. You are twenty-four; think of the future. You can not always love this woman, who also can not always love you. You both exaggerate your love. You put an end to your whole career. One step further, and you will no longer be able to leave the path you have chosen, and you will suffer all your life for what you have done in your youth. Leave Paris. Come and stay for a month or two with your sister and me. Rest in our quiet family affection will soon heal you of this fever, for it is nothing else. Meanwhile, your mistress will console herself; she will take another lover; and when you see what it is for which you have all but broken with your father, and all but lost his love, you will tell me that I have done well to come and seek you out, and you will thank me for it. Come, you will go with me, Armand, will you not?” I felt that my father would be right if it had been any other woman, but I was convinced that he was wrong with regard to Marguerite. Nevertheless, the tone in which he said these last words was so kind, so appealing, that I dared not answer.
“Armand,” my father continued, “for the sake of your beloved mother, let go of this life, which you will forget more easily than you think. You're tied to it by an unrealistic belief. You're twenty-four; think about the future. You can't always love this woman, who also can't always love you. You both exaggerate your feelings. You're putting your entire career on hold. One more step, and you won’t be able to turn back from the path you've chosen, and you'll suffer for what you've done in your youth. Leave Paris. Come stay with your sister and me for a month or two. Rest in our calm family love will soon heal you from this obsession, because that's all it is. In the meantime, your mistress will find someone else; and when you see what it's really worth after almost breaking things off with your father and nearly losing his love, you'll agree that I was right to come and find you, and you’ll thank me for it. Come, you'll come with me, won’t you, Armand?” I felt that my father would be right if it were any other woman, but I was certain he was wrong about Marguerite. Still, the way he said those last words was so gentle and sincere that I couldn't bring myself to answer.
“Well?” said he in a trembling voice.
"Well?" he asked, his voice shaking.
“Well, father, I can promise nothing,” I said at last; “what you ask of me is beyond my power. Believe me,” I continued, seeing him make an impatient movement, “you exaggerate the effects of this liaison. Marguerite is a different kind of a woman from what you think. This love, far from leading me astray, is capable, on the contrary, of setting me in the right direction. Love always makes a man better, no matter what woman inspires it. If you knew Marguerite, you would understand that I am in no danger. She is as noble as the noblest of women. There is as much disinterestedness in her as there is cupidity in others.”
“Well, Dad, I can’t promise anything,” I finally said; “what you’re asking is beyond my ability. Trust me,” I continued, noticing his impatient gesture, “you’re exaggerating the impact of this relationship. Marguerite is not the kind of woman you think she is. This love, instead of leading me astray, is actually guiding me in the right direction. Love always makes a man better, no matter who it's for. If you knew Marguerite, you’d see that I’m not in any danger. She is as noble as the noblest of women. There is as much selflessness in her as there is greed in others.”
“All of which does not prevent her from accepting the whole of your fortune, for the sixty thousand francs which come to you from your mother, and which you are giving her, are, understand me well, your whole fortune.”
“All of this doesn’t stop her from accepting all of your fortune, because the sixty thousand francs you’re getting from your mother, which you’re giving her, are, let me be clear, your entire fortune.”
My father had probably kept this peroration and this threat for the last stroke. I was firmer before these threats than before his entreaties.
My dad had probably saved this speech and this threat for the final blow. I was more resolute in the face of these threats than I was when he begged me.
“Who told you that I was handing this sum to her?” I asked.
“Who told you that I was giving her this amount?” I asked.
“My solicitor. Could an honest man carry out such a procedure without warning me? Well, it is to prevent you from ruining yourself for a prostitute that I am now in Paris. Your mother, when she died, left you enough to live on respectably, and not to squander on your mistresses.”
“My lawyer. Could a decent person perform such a procedure without informing me? Well, I’m in Paris to stop you from ruining yourself over a prostitute. Your mother, when she passed away, left you enough to live comfortably, not to waste on your lovers.”
“I swear to you, father, that Marguerite knew nothing of this transfer.”
“I swear to you, Dad, that Marguerite had no idea about this transfer.”
“Why, then, do you make it?”
"Why do you do that?"
“Because Marguerite, the woman you calumniate, and whom you wish me to abandon, is sacrificing all that she possesses in order to live with me.”
“Because Marguerite, the woman you slander, and whom you want me to leave, is giving up everything she has to be with me.”
“And you accept this sacrifice? What sort of a man are you, sir, to allow Mlle. Gautier to sacrifice anything for you? Come, enough of this. You will leave this woman. Just now I begged you; now I command you. I will have no such scandalous doings in my family. Pack up your things and get ready to come with me.”
“And you agree to this sacrifice? What kind of man are you, sir, to let Mlle. Gautier give up anything for you? Enough of this. You will leave this woman. Just now I asked you; now I’m telling you. I won't have any scandalous behavior in my family. Pack your things and get ready to come with me.”
“Pardon me, father,” I said, “but I shall not come.”
“Excuse me, dad,” I said, “but I’m not coming.”
“And why?”
"Why's that?"
“Because I am at an age when no one any longer obeys a command.”
“Because I’m at an age when no one listens to commands anymore.”
My father turned pale at my answer.
My dad went pale at my response.
“Very well, sir,” he said, “I know what remains to be done.”
“Sure thing, sir,” he said, “I know what needs to be done next.”
He rang and Joseph appeared.
He called and Joseph appeared.
“Have my things taken to the Hotel de Paris,” he said to my servant. And thereupon he went to his room and finished dressing. When he returned, I went up to him.
“Take my things to the Hotel de Paris,” he told my servant. Then he went to his room to finish getting dressed. When he came back, I approached him.
“Promise me, father,” I said, “that you will do nothing to give Marguerite pain?”
“Promise me, Dad,” I said, “that you won’t do anything to hurt Marguerite?”
My father stopped, looked at me disdainfully, and contented himself with saying, “I believe you are mad.” After this he went out, shutting the door violently after him.
My father stopped, looked at me with contempt, and simply said, “I think you’re crazy.” After that, he left, slamming the door behind him.
I went downstairs, took a cab, and returned to Bougival.
I went downstairs, grabbed a cab, and headed back to Bougival.
Marguerite was waiting for me at the window.
Marguerite was waiting for me by the window.
Chapter XXI
“At last you have come,” she said, throwing her arms round my neck. “But how pale you are!”
“At last you’re here,” she said, wrapping her arms around my neck. “But you look so pale!”
I told her of the scene with my father.
I told her about the moment with my dad.
“My God! I was afraid of it,” she said. “When Joseph came to tell you of your father’s arrival I trembled as if he had brought news of some misfortune. My poor friend, I am the cause of all your distress. You will be better off, perhaps, if you leave me and do not quarrel with your father on my account. He knows that you are sure to have a mistress, and he ought to be thankful that it is I, since I love you and do not want more of you than your position allows. Did you tell him how we had arranged our future?”
“Oh my God! I was so scared,” she said. “When Joseph came to let you know your dad was here, I was shaking like he had brought some bad news. My poor friend, I’m the reason for all your worry. You might be better off if you just leave me out of this and don’t fight with your dad because of me. He knows you’re likely to have a mistress, and he should be grateful it’s me, since I love you and don’t want more from you than what your situation allows. Did you tell him about our plans for the future?”
“Yes; that is what annoyed him the most, for he saw how much we really love one another.”
“Yes; that’s what bothered him the most because he could see how much we truly love each other.”
“What are we to do, then?”
"What should we do now?"
“Hold together, my good Marguerite, and let the storm pass over.”
“Stay strong, my dear Marguerite, and let the storm pass.”
“Will it pass?”
"Will it succeed?"
“It will have to.”
"It has to."
“But your father will not stop there.”
“But your father won't stop there.”
“What do you suppose he can do?”
“What do you think he can do?”
“How do I know? Everything that a father can do to make his son obey him. He will remind you of my past life, and will perhaps do me the honour of inventing some new story, so that you may give me up.”
“How do I know? Everything a dad can do to make his son listen to him. He’ll remind you of my past and might even come up with some new tale, hoping you’ll abandon me.”
“You know that I love you.”
"I love you, you know."
“Yes, but what I know, too, is that, sooner or later, you will have to obey your father, and perhaps you will end by believing him.”
“Yes, but I also know that, sooner or later, you’ll have to listen to your father, and maybe you’ll end up believing him.”
“No, Marguerite. It is I who will make him believe me. Some of his friends have been telling him tales which have made him angry; but he is good and just, he will change his first impression; and then, after all, what does it matter to me?”
“No, Marguerite. I’ll make him believe me. Some of his friends have been spinning stories that made him angry, but he’s good and fair; he’ll change his first impression. And honestly, what does it matter to me?”
“Do not say that, Armand. I would rather anything should happen than that you should quarrel with your family; wait till after to-day, and to-morrow go back to Paris. Your father, too, will have thought it over on his side, and perhaps you will both come to a better understanding. Do not go against his principles, pretend to make some concessions to what he wants; seem not to care so very much about me, and he will let things remain as they are. Hope, my friend, and be sure of one thing, that whatever happens, Marguerite will always be yours.”
“Don't say that, Armand. I'd rather anything happen than for you to fight with your family; wait until after today, and tomorrow go back to Paris. Your dad will have thought it over too, and maybe you both will reach a better understanding. Don't oppose his principles; pretend to make some compromises for what he wants; act like you don’t care too much about me, and he’ll let things stay as they are. Stay hopeful, my friend, and remember one thing: no matter what happens, Marguerite will always be yours.”
“You swear it?”
"Do you swear it?"
“Do I need to swear it?”
“Do I need to promise it?”
How sweet it is to let oneself be persuaded by the voice that one loves! Marguerite and I spent the whole day in talking over our projects for the future, as if we felt the need of realizing them as quickly as possible. At every moment we awaited some event, but the day passed without bringing us any new tidings.
How nice it is to be influenced by the person you love! Marguerite and I spent the entire day discussing our plans for the future, as if we felt the need to make them a reality as soon as we could. At every turn, we anticipated some news, but the day went by without giving us any updates.
Next day I left at ten o’clock, and reached the hotel about twelve. My father had gone out.
Next day I left at 10 a.m. and got to the hotel around noon. My dad had gone out.
I went to my own rooms, hoping that he had perhaps gone there. No one had called. I went to the solicitor’s. No one was there. I went back to the hotel, and waited till six. M. Duval did not return, and I went back to Bougival.
I went to my own rooms, hoping he might have gone there. No one had called. I went to the lawyer's office. No one was there. I went back to the hotel and waited until six. M. Duval didn’t come back, so I returned to Bougival.
I found Marguerite not waiting for me, as she had been the day before, but sitting by the fire, which the weather still made necessary. She was so absorbed in her thoughts that I came close to her chair without her hearing me. When I put my lips to her forehead she started as if the kiss had suddenly awakened her.
I found Marguerite not waiting for me like she had the day before, but sitting by the fire, which the weather still required. She was so lost in her thoughts that I got close to her chair without her noticing. When I kissed her forehead, she jumped as if the kiss had suddenly brought her back to reality.
“You frightened me,” she said. “And your father?”
“You scared me,” she said. “And your dad?”
“I have not seen him. I do not know what it means. He was not at his hotel, nor anywhere where there was a chance of my finding him.”
“I haven't seen him. I don’t know what that means. He wasn’t at his hotel, or anywhere I might have found him.”
“Well, you must try again to-morrow.”
“Well, you should try again tomorrow.”
“I am very much inclined to wait till he sends for me. I think I have done all that can be expected of me.”
“I’m really inclined to wait until he calls for me. I think I’ve done everything that could be expected of me.”
“No, my friend, it is not enough; you must call on your father again, and you must call to-morrow.”
"No, my friend, that's not enough; you need to talk to your father again, and you need to do it tomorrow."
“Why to-morrow rather than any other day?”
“Why tomorrow instead of any other day?”
“Because,” said Marguerite, and it seemed to me that she blushed slightly at this question, “because it will show that you are the more keen about it, and he will forgive us the sooner.”
“Because,” said Marguerite, and it seemed to me that she blushed a little at this question, “because it will show that you care more about it, and he will forgive us quicker.”
For the remainder of the day Marguerite was sad and preoccupied. I had to repeat twice over everything I said to her to obtain an answer. She ascribed this preoccupation to her anxiety in regard to the events which had happened during the last two days. I spent the night in reassuring her, and she sent me away in the morning with an insistent disquietude that I could not explain to myself.
For the rest of the day, Marguerite was sad and lost in thought. I had to say everything twice just to get a response from her. She blamed her distraction on the worries she had about what happened over the past two days. I spent the night trying to soothe her, and she sent me off in the morning with a nagging unease that I couldn't put my finger on.
Again my father was absent, but he had left this letter for me:
Again my dad was absent, but he had left this letter for me:
“If you call again to-day, wait for me till four. If I am not in by four, come and dine with me to-morrow. I must see you.”
“If you call again today, wait for me until four. If I'm not back by four, come and have dinner with me tomorrow. I really need to see you.”
I waited till the hour he had named, but he did not appear. I returned to Bougival.
I waited until the time he said, but he didn’t show up. I went back to Bougival.
The night before I had found Marguerite sad; that night I found her feverish and agitated. On seeing me, she flung her arms around my neck, but she cried for a long time in my arms. I questioned her as to this sudden distress, which alarmed me by its violence. She gave me no positive reason, but put me off with those evasions which a woman resorts to when she will not tell the truth.
The night before, I had found Marguerite upset; that night, she seemed feverish and restless. When she saw me, she threw her arms around my neck and cried in my arms for a long time. I asked her what was causing this sudden distress, which worried me with its intensity. She didn't give me a clear reason, instead using those evasions that a woman tends to use when she doesn’t want to reveal the truth.
When she was a little calmed down, I told her the result of my visit, and I showed her my father’s letter, from which, I said, we might augur well. At the sight of the letter and on hearing my comment, her tears began to flow so copiously that I feared an attack of nerves, and, calling Nanine, I put her to bed, where she wept without a word, but held my hands and kissed them every moment.
When she had calmed down a bit, I told her what I found out during my visit, and I showed her my father's letter, which I said gave us hope. As soon as she saw the letter and heard my comment, she started crying so much that I worried she might have a nervous breakdown. I called Nanine to help, and we put her to bed. There, she cried silently but held my hands and kissed them constantly.
I asked Nanine if, during my absence, her mistress had received any letter or visit which could account for the state in which I found her, but Nanine replied that no one had called and nothing had been sent.
I asked Nanine if, while I was away, her mistress had received any letters or visitors that could explain the state I found her in, but Nanine replied that no one had come and nothing had been sent.
Something, however, had occurred since the day before, something which troubled me the more because Marguerite concealed it from me.
Something had happened since yesterday, something that bothered me even more because Marguerite was keeping it from me.
In the evening she seemed a little calmer, and, making me sit at the foot of the bed, she told me many times how much she loved me. She smiled at me, but with an effort, for in spite of herself her eyes were veiled with tears.
In the evening, she seemed a bit calmer and, after making me sit at the foot of the bed, she told me repeatedly how much she loved me. She smiled at me, but it was a struggle, as her eyes were filled with unshed tears despite her efforts to hide it.
I used every means to make her confess the real cause of her distress, but she persisted in giving me nothing but vague reasons, as I have told you. At last she fell asleep in my arms, but it was the sleep which tires rather than rests the body. From time to time she uttered a cry, started up, and, after assuring herself that I was beside her, made me swear that I would always love her.
I tried everything to get her to admit what was really bothering her, but she just kept giving me vague excuses, like I mentioned before. Eventually, she fell asleep in my arms, but it was more of a weary sleep than a restful one. Every so often, she would cry out, sit up, and after making sure I was right there with her, she made me promise that I would always love her.
I could make nothing of these intermittent paroxysms of distress, which went on till morning. Then Marguerite fell into a kind of stupor. She had not slept for two nights.
I couldn't make sense of these fits of distress that kept coming and going until morning. Then Marguerite slipped into a sort of daze. She hadn't slept for two nights.
Her rest was of short duration, for toward eleven she awoke, and, seeing that I was up, she looked about her, crying:
Her break was brief, because around eleven she woke up and, seeing that I was up, she looked around, crying:
“Are you going already?”
“Are you leaving already?”
“No,” said I, holding her hands; “but I wanted to let you sleep on. It is still early.”
“No,” I said, holding her hands; “but I wanted to let you keep sleeping. It’s still early.”
“What time are you going to Paris?”
“What time are you heading to Paris?”
“At four.”
“At 4.”
“So soon? But you will stay with me till then?”
“So soon? But you’re going to stay with me until then?”
“Of course. Do I not always?”
“Of course. Don't I always?”
“I am so glad! Shall we have lunch?” she went on absentmindedly.
“I’m so glad! Should we grab lunch?” she said absentmindedly.
“If you like.”
“Whatever you want.”
“And then you will be nice to me till the very moment you go?”
“And then you’ll be nice to me right up until the moment you leave?”
“Yes; and I will come back as soon as I can.”
“Yes, and I'll be back as soon as I can.”
“You will come back?” she said, looking at me with haggard eyes.
“You're coming back?” she said, looking at me with tired eyes.
“Naturally.”
"Of course."
“Oh, yes, you will come back to-night. I shall wait for you, as I always do, and you will love me, and we shall be happy, as we have been ever since we have known each other.”
“Oh, yes, you will come back tonight. I’ll wait for you, like I always do, and you’ll love me, and we’ll be happy, just like we’ve been since we first met.”
All these words were said in such a strained voice, they seemed to hide so persistent and so sorrowful a thought, that I trembled every moment lest Marguerite should become delirious.
All these words were spoken in such a strained voice that they seemed to conceal a constant and deep sorrow, making me anxious every moment that Marguerite might slip into delirium.
“Listen,” I said. “You are ill. I can not leave you like this. I will write and tell my father not to expect me.”
“Listen,” I said. “You’re sick. I can’t leave you like this. I’ll write and tell my dad not to expect me.”
“No, no,” she cried hastily, “don’t do that. Your father will accuse me of hindering you again from going to see him when he wants to see you; no, no, you must go, you must! Besides, I am not ill. I am quite well. I had a bad dream and am not yet fully awake.”
“No, no,” she said quickly, “don’t do that. Your dad will blame me for keeping you from seeing him when he wants to see you; no, no, you have to go, you have to! Besides, I’m not sick. I’m perfectly fine. I had a bad dream and I’m not fully awake yet.”
From that moment Marguerite tried to seem more cheerful. There were no more tears.
From that moment on, Marguerite tried to act more cheerful. There were no more tears.
When the hour came for me to go, I embraced her and asked her if she would come with me as far as the train; I hoped that the walk would distract her and that the air would do her good. I wanted especially to be with her as long as possible.
When it was time for me to leave, I hugged her and asked if she would walk with me to the train. I thought that the walk might take her mind off things and that the fresh air would be good for her. I really wanted to be with her for as long as I could.
She agreed, put on her cloak and took Nanine with her, so as not to return alone. Twenty times I was on the point of not going. But the hope of a speedy return, and the fear of offending my father still more, sustained me, and I took my place in the train.
She agreed, put on her cloak, and took Nanine with her so she wouldn't have to come back alone. I almost decided not to go twenty times. But the thought of coming back quickly and not wanting to upset my dad even more kept me going, and I took my spot in the train.
“Till this evening!” I said to Marguerite, as I left her. She did not reply.
“See you this evening!” I said to Marguerite as I left her. She didn't respond.
Once already she had not replied to the same words, and the Comte de G., you will remember, had spent the night with her; but that time was so far away that it seemed to have been effaced from my memory, and if I had any fear, it was certainly not of Marguerite being unfaithful to me. Reaching Paris, I hastened off to see Prudence, intending to ask her to go and keep Marguerite company, in the hope that her mirth and liveliness would distract her. I entered without being announced, and found Prudence at her toilet.
Once before, she hadn't responded to those same words, and the Comte de G., you may recall, had spent the night with her; but that time felt so distant that it seemed to fade from my memory, and if I had any fears, it was definitely not about Marguerite being unfaithful to me. When I got to Paris, I quickly went to see Prudence, planning to ask her to keep Marguerite company, hoping that her cheerfulness would lift Marguerite's spirits. I walked in without knocking and found Prudence getting ready.
“Ah!” she said, anxiously; “is Marguerite with you?”
“Ah!” she said nervously, “is Marguerite with you?”
“No.”
“No.”
“How is she?”
"How's she doing?"
“She is not well.”
"She's not feeling well."
“Is she not coming?”
"Isn't she coming?"
“Did you expect her?”
"Did you think she’d come?"
Madame Duvernoy reddened, and replied, with a certain constraint:
Madame Duvernoy flushed and responded with a hint of hesitation:
“I only meant that since you are at Paris, is she not coming to join you?”
“I just meant that since you're in Paris, isn't she coming to join you?”
“No.”
“Nope.”
I looked at Prudence; she cast down her eyes, and I read in her face the fear of seeing my visit prolonged.
I looked at Prudence; she lowered her gaze, and I could see in her expression the fear of my visit dragging on.
“I even came to ask you, my dear Prudence, if you have nothing to do this evening, to go and see Marguerite; you will be company for her, and you can stay the night. I never saw her as she was to-day, and I am afraid she is going to be ill.”
“I even came to ask you, my dear Prudence, if you have anything planned this evening, to go and see Marguerite; you would keep her company, and you could stay the night. I’ve never seen her like she was today, and I’m worried she might get sick.”
“I am dining in town,” replied Prudence, “and I can’t go and see Marguerite this evening. I will see her tomorrow.”
“I’m having dinner in town,” Prudence replied, “and I can’t go see Marguerite this evening. I’ll see her tomorrow.”
I took leave of Mme. Duvernoy, who seemed almost as preoccupied as Marguerite, and went on to my father’s; his first glance seemed to study me attentively. He held out his hand.
I said goodbye to Mme. Duvernoy, who looked just as distracted as Marguerite, and headed to my father's place; his first glance seemed to examine me closely. He reached out his hand.
“Your two visits have given me pleasure, Armand,” he said; “they make me hope that you have thought over things on your side as I have on mine.”
“Your two visits have brought me joy, Armand,” he said; “they make me hopeful that you've reflected on things as I have on my end.”
“May I ask you, father, what was the result of your reflection?”
“Can I ask you, Dad, what came of your thinking?”
“The result, my dear boy, is that I have exaggerated the importance of the reports that had been made to me, and that I have made up my mind to be less severe with you.”
“The result, my dear boy, is that I have overstated the importance of the reports that were given to me, and that I have decided to be less harsh with you.”
“What are you saying, father?” I cried joyously.
“What are you saying, Dad?” I exclaimed happily.
“I say, my dear child, that every young man must have his mistress, and that, from the fresh information I have had, I would rather see you the lover of Mlle. Gautier than of anyone else.”
“I say, my dear child, that every young man should have his girlfriend, and based on the latest information I've received, I would prefer to see you as the partner of Mlle. Gautier rather than anyone else.”
“My dear father, how happy you make me!”
“My dear father, you make me so happy!”
We talked in this manner for some moments, and then sat down to table. My father was charming all dinner time.
We chatted like this for a little while, and then sat down to eat. My dad was delightful the entire dinner.
I was in a hurry to get back to Bougival to tell Marguerite about this fortunate change, and I looked at the clock every moment.
I was in a rush to get back to Bougival to tell Marguerite about this fortunate change, and I checked the clock every minute.
“You are watching the time,” said my father, “and you are impatient to leave me. O young people, how you always sacrifice sincere to doubtful affections!”
“You're watching the clock,” my father said, “and you can't wait to leave me. Oh, young people, how you always trade genuine feelings for uncertain ones!”
“Do not say that, father; Marguerite loves me, I am sure of it.”
“Don’t say that, Dad; Marguerite loves me, I know it.”
My father did not answer; he seemed to say neither yes nor no.
My father didn't respond; it was like he was saying neither yes nor no.
He was very insistent that I should spend the whole evening with him and not go till the morning; but Marguerite had not been well when I left her. I told him of it, and begged his permission to go back to her early, promising to come again on the morrow.
He was adamant that I should spend the whole evening with him and not leave until the morning; however, Marguerite hadn't been feeling well when I left her. I informed him about it and asked for his permission to return to her early, promising to come back the next day.
The weather was fine; he walked with me as far as the station. Never had I been so happy. The future appeared as I had long desired to see it. I had never loved my father as I loved him at that moment.
The weather was nice; he walked with me to the station. I had never been so happy. The future looked just like I had always wanted it to. I had never loved my father as much as I loved him at that moment.
Just as I was leaving him, he once more begged me to stay. I refused.
Just as I was about to leave him, he asked me again to stay. I said no.
“You are really very much in love with her?” he asked.
“You're really in love with her?” he asked.
“Madly.”
"Crazy."
“Go, then,” and he passed his hand across his forehead as if to chase a thought, then opened his mouth as if to say something; but he only pressed my hand, and left me hurriedly, saying:
“Go, then,” he said, running his hand across his forehead like he was trying to clear his mind. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead he just squeezed my hand and quickly left, saying:
“Till to-morrow, then!”
"Until tomorrow, then!"
Chapter XXII
It seemed to me as if the train did not move. I reached Bougival at eleven.
It felt like the train wasn't moving at all. I arrived in Bougival at eleven.
Not a window in the house was lighted up, and when I rang no one answered the bell. It was the first time that such a thing had occurred to me. At last the gardener came. I entered. Nanine met me with a light. I went to Marguerite’s room.
Not a window in the house was lit, and when I rang the bell, no one answered. It was the first time anything like this had happened to me. Finally, the gardener arrived. I went inside. Nanine greeted me with a light. I headed to Marguerite’s room.
“Where is madame?”
"Where's the lady?"
“Gone to Paris,” replied Nanine.
“Gone to Paris,” Nanine replied.
“To Paris!”
"Off to Paris!"
“Yes, sir.”
“Yep, sir.”
“When?”
"When?"
“An hour after you.”
“An hour later than you.”
“She left no word for me?”
“She didn’t leave any message for me?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing.”
Nanine left me.
Nanine broke up with me.
Perhaps she had some suspicion or other, I thought, and went to Paris to make sure that my visit to my father was not an excuse for a day off. Perhaps Prudence wrote to her about something important. I said to myself when I was alone; but I saw Prudence; she said nothing to make me suppose that she had written to Marguerite.
Perhaps she had some suspicion or something, I thought, and went to Paris to make sure that my visit to my dad wasn't just an excuse for a day off. Maybe Prudence had written to her about something important. I told myself this when I was alone; but when I saw Prudence, she said nothing to make me think that she had written to Marguerite.
All at once I remembered Mme. Duvernoy’s question, “Isn’t she coming to-day?” when I had said that Marguerite was ill. I remembered at the same time how embarrassed Prudence had appeared when I looked at her after this remark, which seemed to indicate an appointment. I remembered, too, Marguerite’s tears all day long, which my father’s kind reception had rather put out of my mind. From this moment all the incidents grouped themselves about my first suspicion, and fixed it so firmly in my mind that everything served to confirm it, even my father’s kindness.
All of a sudden, I recalled Mme. Duvernoy’s question, “Isn’t she coming today?” when I had mentioned that Marguerite was sick. I also remembered how uncomfortable Prudence looked when I glanced at her after that comment, which seemed to suggest there was an arrangement. I also thought about Marguerite’s tears throughout the day, which my father’s warm welcome had mostly pushed out of my mind. From that point on, all the events connected with my initial suspicion, anchoring it so strongly in my mind that everything, even my father’s kindness, only served to reinforce it.
Marguerite had almost insisted on my going to Paris; she had pretended to be calmer when I had proposed staying with her. Had I fallen into some trap? Was Marguerite deceiving me? Had she counted on being back in time for me not to perceive her absence, and had she been detained by chance? Why had she said nothing to Nanine, or why had she not written? What was the meaning of those tears, this absence, this mystery?
Marguerite had nearly insisted that I go to Paris; she acted like she was calmer when I suggested staying with her. Had I walked into a trap? Was Marguerite pulling a fast one on me? Had she planned to return in time so I wouldn’t notice she was gone, but then got held up unexpectedly? Why hadn’t she said anything to Nanine, or why didn’t she write? What was with those tears, this absence, this mystery?
That is what I asked myself in affright, as I stood in the vacant room, gazing at the clock, which pointed to midnight, and seemed to say to me that it was too late to hope for my mistress’s return. Yet, after all the arrangements we had just made, after the sacrifices that had been offered and accepted, was it likely that she was deceiving me? No. I tried to get rid of my first supposition.
That’s what I wondered in fear as I stood in the empty room, staring at the clock, which showed it was midnight, and seemed to tell me that it was too late to expect my mistress to come back. Still, after all the plans we had just made, after the sacrifices that had been offered and accepted, was it possible that she was lying to me? No. I tried to dismiss my initial thought.
Probably she had found a purchaser for her furniture, and she had gone to Paris to conclude the bargain. She did not wish to tell me beforehand, for she knew that, though I had consented to it, the sale, so necessary to our future happiness, was painful to me, and she feared to wound my self-respect in speaking to me about it. She would rather not see me till the whole thing was done, and that was evidently why Prudence was expecting her when she let out the secret. Marguerite could not finish the whole business to-day, and was staying the night with Prudence, or perhaps she would come even now, for she must know how anxious I should be, and would not wish to leave me in that condition. But, if so, why those tears? No doubt, despite her love for me, the poor girl could not make up her mind to give up all the luxury in which she had lived until now, and for which she had been so envied, without crying over it. I was quite ready to forgive her for such regrets. I waited for her impatiently, that I might say to her, as I covered her with kisses, that I had guessed the reason of her mysterious absence.
She probably found a buyer for her furniture and went to Paris to finalize the deal. She didn’t want to tell me in advance because she knew that, even though I had agreed to it, the sale, which was so important for our future happiness, hurt me, and she was afraid of damaging my pride by bringing it up. She preferred not to see me until everything was settled, which is clearly why Prudence revealed the secret. Marguerite couldn’t finish everything today and was staying the night with Prudence, or maybe she would come back now because she must know how anxious I’d be and wouldn’t want to leave me feeling that way. But if that’s the case, then why the tears? No doubt, despite her love for me, the poor girl couldn’t bring herself to let go of all the luxury she had been living in and that everyone envied her for, without feeling sad about it. I was more than willing to forgive her for those feelings. I waited for her eagerly so I could tell her, while showering her with kisses, that I had figured out the reason for her mysterious absence.
Nevertheless, the night went on, and Marguerite did not return.
Nevertheless, the night continued, and Marguerite did not come back.
My anxiety tightened its circle little by little, and began to oppress my head and heart. Perhaps something had happened to her. Perhaps she was injured, ill, dead. Perhaps a messenger would arrive with the news of some dreadful accident. Perhaps the daylight would find me with the same uncertainty and with the same fears.
My anxiety gradually closed in on me, weighing down on my mind and heart. Maybe something happened to her. Maybe she was hurt, sick, or dead. Maybe a messenger would come with news of some terrible accident. Maybe the morning light would reveal that I was still stuck in the same uncertainty and fear.
The idea that Marguerite was perhaps unfaithful to me at the very moment when I waited for her in terror at her absence did not return to my mind. There must be some cause, independent of her will, to keep her away from me, and the more I thought, the more convinced I was that this cause could only be some mishap or other. O vanity of man, coming back to us in every form!
The thought that Marguerite might have been unfaithful to me while I anxiously awaited her absence didn't cross my mind. There had to be some reason, beyond her control, keeping her from me, and the more I considered it, the more I believed that this reason could only be some kind of mishap. Oh, the vanity of man, coming back to us in every way!
One o’clock struck. I said to myself that I would wait another hour, but that at two o’clock, if Marguerite had not returned, I would set out for Paris. Meanwhile I looked about for a book, for I dared not think. Manon Lescaut was open on the table. It seemed to me that here and there the pages were wet as if with tears. I turned the leaves over and then closed the book, for the letters seemed to me void of meaning through the veil of my doubts.
One o’clock struck. I told myself I would wait another hour, but that at two o’clock, if Marguerite hadn’t come back, I would head to Paris. In the meantime, I looked for a book since I couldn’t bear to think. Manon Lescaut was open on the table. It felt to me like some pages were damp as if from tears. I flipped through the pages and then closed the book because the words seemed meaningless through the fog of my doubts.
Time went slowly. The sky was covered with clouds. An autumn rain lashed the windows. The empty bed seemed at moments to assume the aspect of a tomb. I was afraid.
Time dragged on. The sky was overcast. Autumn rain battered the windows. The empty bed sometimes looked like a tomb. I felt scared.
I opened the door. I listened, and heard nothing but the voice of the wind in the trees. Not a vehicle was to be seen on the road. The half hour sounded sadly from the church tower.
I opened the door. I listened and heard nothing but the wind in the trees. Not a single vehicle was in sight on the road. The half hour tolled sadly from the church tower.
I began to fear lest someone should enter. It seemed to me that only a disaster could come at that hour and under that sombre sky.
I started to worry that someone might come in. It felt like only a disaster could happen at that time and beneath that dark sky.
Two o’clock struck. I still waited a little. Only the sound of the bell troubled the silence with its monotonous and rhythmical stroke.
Two o’clock rang out. I stayed and waited a bit longer. Only the sound of the bell broke the silence with its steady and repetitive toll.
At last I left the room, where every object had assumed that melancholy aspect which the restless solitude of the heart gives to all its surroundings.
At last, I left the room, where everything had taken on that sad vibe that the restless solitude of the heart gives to everything around it.
In the next room I found Nanine sleeping over her work. At the sound of the door, she awoke and asked if her mistress had come in.
In the next room, I found Nanine asleep at her desk. When she heard the door, she woke up and asked if her boss had arrived.
“No; but if she comes in, tell her that I was so anxious that I had to go to Paris.”
“No, but if she comes in, tell her that I was so worried that I had to go to Paris.”
“At this hour?”
"At this time?"
“Yes.
Yes.
“But how? You won’t find a carriage.”
“But how? You won’t find a ride.”
“I will walk.”
“I'll walk.”
“But it is raining.”
“But it's raining.”
“No matter.”
"Whatever."
“But madame will be coming back, or if she doesn’t come it will be time enough in the morning to go and see what has kept her. You will be murdered on the way.”
“But ma'am will be back, or if she doesn’t show up, we can wait until morning to see what’s taken her so long. You’ll be in danger out there.”
“There is no danger, my dear Nanine; I will see you to-morrow.”
“There’s no danger, my dear Nanine; I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The good girl went and got me a cloak, put it over my shoulders, and offered to wake up Mme. Arnould to see if a vehicle could be obtained; but I would hear of nothing, convinced as I was that I should lose, in a perhaps fruitless inquiry, more time than I should take to cover half the road. Besides, I felt the need of air and physical fatigue in order to cool down the over-excitement which possessed me.
The nice girl went and got me a coat, draped it over my shoulders, and offered to wake up Mme. Arnould to check if we could get a ride; but I didn’t want any of that, convinced that I would waste more time on a possibly pointless search than it would take me to walk half the distance. Plus, I felt the need for fresh air and physical exhaustion to calm down the hyper excitement I was feeling.
I took the key of the flat in the Rue d’Antin, and after saying good-bye to Nanine, who came with me as far as the gate, I set out.
I grabbed the key to the apartment on Rue d’Antin, and after saying goodbye to Nanine, who walked with me to the gate, I headed out.
At first I began to run, but the earth was muddy with rain, and I fatigued myself doubly. At the end of half an hour I was obliged to stop, and I was drenched with sweat. I recovered my breath and went on. The night was so dark that at every step I feared to dash myself against one of the trees on the roadside, which rose up sharply before me like great phantoms rushing upon me.
At first, I started to run, but the ground was muddy from the rain, and I ended up tiring myself even more. After half an hour, I had to stop, completely soaked in sweat. I caught my breath and continued. The night was so dark that with every step, I was worried I would crash into one of the trees lining the road, which loomed up suddenly in front of me like giant shadows rushing at me.
I overtook one or two wagons, which I soon left behind. A carriage was going at full gallop toward Bougival. As it passed me the hope came to me that Marguerite was in it. I stopped and cried out, “Marguerite! Marguerite!” But no one answered and the carriage continued its course. I watched it fade away in the distance, and then started on my way again. I took two hours to reach the Barrière de l’Étoile. The sight of Paris restored my strength, and I ran the whole length of the alley I had so often walked.
I passed one or two wagons, which I quickly left behind. A carriage was speeding toward Bougival. As it went by me, I hoped that Marguerite was inside. I stopped and called out, “Marguerite! Marguerite!” But no one replied, and the carriage kept going. I watched it disappear in the distance, then continued on my way. It took me two hours to reach the Barrière de l’Étoile. The sight of Paris renewed my energy, and I ran the entire length of the alley I had walked so many times.
That night no one was passing; it was like going through the midst of a dead city. The dawn began to break. When I reached the Rue d’Antin the great city stirred a little before quite awakening. Five o’clock struck at the church of Saint Roch at the moment when I entered Marguerite’s house. I called out my name to the porter, who had had from me enough twenty-franc pieces to know that I had the right to call on Mlle. Gautier at five in the morning. I passed without difficulty. I might have asked if Marguerite was at home, but he might have said “No,” and I preferred to remain in doubt two minutes longer, for, as long as I doubted, there was still hope.
That night, no one was out; it felt like walking through a ghost town. Dawn began to break. When I got to Rue d’Antin, the city stirred slightly before fully waking up. The clock struck five at the church of Saint Roch just as I entered Marguerite’s house. I called out my name to the doorman, who had received enough twenty-franc coins from me to know I had the right to visit Mlle. Gautier at five in the morning. I passed through without any trouble. I could have asked if Marguerite was home, but he might have said “No,” and I preferred to stay in doubt for another two minutes because, as long as I was uncertain, there was still hope.
I listened at the door, trying to discover a sound, a movement. Nothing. The silence of the country seemed to be continued here. I opened the door and entered. All the curtains were hermetically closed. I drew those of the dining-room and went toward the bed-room and pushed open the door. I sprang at the curtain cord and drew it violently. The curtain opened, a faint light made its way in. I rushed to the bed. It was empty.
I leaned against the door, straining to catch any sound or movement. Nothing. The quiet of the countryside felt just as strong here. I opened the door and stepped inside. All the curtains were completely shut. I pulled back the ones in the dining room and moved towards the bedroom, pushing the door open. I grabbed the curtain cord and yanked it hard. The curtain pulled back, letting in a dim light. I dashed to the bed. It was empty.
I opened the doors one after another. I visited every room. No one. It was enough to drive one mad.
I opened the doors one after another. I checked every room. No one. It was enough to drive someone crazy.
I went into the dressing-room, opened the window, and called Prudence several times. Mme. Duvernoy’s window remained closed.
I went into the dressing room, opened the window, and called out for Prudence several times. Mme. Duvernoy’s window stayed closed.
I went downstairs to the porter and asked him if Mlle. Gautier had come home during the day.
I went downstairs to the receptionist and asked him if Mlle. Gautier had come home today.
“Yes,” answered the man; “with Mme. Duvernoy.”
“Yes,” replied the man; “with Mrs. Duvernoy.”
“She left no word for me?”
"She didn't leave any message for me?"
“No.”
“Nope.”
“Do you know what they did afterward?”
“Do you know what they did next?”
“They went away in a carriage.”
“They left in a car.”
“What sort of a carriage?”
"What type of carriage?"
“A private carriage.”
“A private ride.”
What could it all mean?
What does it all mean?
I rang at the next door.
I knocked on the next door.
“Where are you going, sir?” asked the porter, when he had opened to me.
“Where are you going, sir?” the porter asked as he opened the door for me.
“To Mme. Duvernoy’s.”
"To Ms. Duvernoy’s."
“She has not come back.”
“She hasn’t come back.”
“You are sure?”
"Are you sure?"
“Yes, sir; here’s a letter even, which was brought for her last night and which I have not yet given her.”
“Yes, sir; here’s a letter that was brought for her last night and that I haven’t given her yet.”
And the porter showed me a letter which I glanced at mechanically. I recognised Marguerite’s writing. I took the letter. It was addressed, “To Mme. Duvernoy, to forward to M. Duval.”
And the doorman showed me a letter that I looked at without really thinking. I recognized Marguerite's handwriting. I took the letter. It was addressed, "To Mme. Duvernoy, to forward to M. Duval."
“This letter is for me,” I said to the porter, as I showed him the address.
“This letter is for me,” I told the porter, as I showed him the address.
“You are M. Duval?” he replied.
"You are M. Duval?" he answered.
“Yes.
"Yes."
“Ah! I remember. You often came to see Mme. Duvernoy.”
“Ah! I remember. You used to visit Mme. Duvernoy a lot.”
When I was in the street I broke the seal of the letter. If a thunder-bolt had fallen at my feet I should have been less startled than I was by what I read.
When I was on the street, I broke the seal of the letter. If a lightning bolt had struck at my feet, I would have been less shocked than I was by what I read.
“By the time you read this letter, Armand, I shall be the mistress of another man. All is over between us.
“By the time you read this letter, Armand, I will be with another man. It’s all over between us.”
“Go back to your father, my friend, and to your sister, and there, by the side of a pure young girl, ignorant of all our miseries, you will soon forget what you would have suffered through that lost creature who is called Marguerite Gautier, whom you have loved for an instant, and who owes to you the only happy moments of a life which, she hopes, will not be very long now.”
“Go back to your father and your sister, my friend. There, next to a pure young girl who knows nothing of our troubles, you’ll quickly forget the pain you would have felt for that lost soul named Marguerite Gautier, whom you loved for a moment and who owes you the only happy times in a life she hopes won’t be very long now.”
When I had read the last word, I thought I should have gone mad. For a moment I was really afraid of falling in the street. A cloud passed before my eyes and my blood beat in my temples. At last I came to myself a little. I looked about me, and was astonished to see the life of others continue without pausing at my distress.
When I finished reading, I felt like I was going to lose my mind. For a moment, I was genuinely scared I might collapse in the street. A cloud blurred my vision, and my heart was racing in my temples. Finally, I regained some composure. I looked around and was shocked to see that everyone else's life was going on without a pause for my struggle.
I was not strong enough to endure the blow alone. Then I remembered that my father was in the same city, that I might be with him in ten minutes, and that, whatever might be the cause of my sorrow, he would share it.
I wasn't strong enough to handle the blow by myself. Then I remembered my dad was in the same city, that I could be with him in ten minutes, and that no matter what was causing my sadness, he would share it with me.
I ran like a madman, like a thief, to the Hotel de Paris; I found the key in the door of my father’s room; I entered. He was reading. He showed so little astonishment at seeing me, that it was as if he was expecting me. I flung myself into his arms without saying a word. I gave him Marguerite’s letter, and, falling on my knees beside his bed, I wept hot tears.
I ran like crazy, like a thief, to the Hotel de Paris; I found the key in the door of my dad's room; I went in. He was reading. He seemed so unfazed by my arrival that it was as if he had been waiting for me. I threw myself into his arms without saying a word. I handed him Marguerite’s letter, and, falling to my knees beside his bed, I cried hot tears.
Chapter XXIII
When the current of life had resumed its course, I could not believe that the day which I saw dawning would not be like those which had preceded it. There were moments when I fancied that some circumstance, which I could not recollect, had obliged me to spend the night away from Marguerite, but that, if I returned to Bougival, I should find her again as anxious as I had been, and that she would ask me what had detained me away from her so long.
When life got back to normal, I couldn't believe that the day ahead wouldn't be like all the others before it. There were times when I thought that something I couldn't remember had made me spend the night away from Marguerite, but that if I went back to Bougival, I would find her just as concerned as I had been, and she would want to know what had kept me away from her for so long.
When one’s existence has contracted a habit, such as that of this love, it seems impossible that the habit should be broken without at the same time breaking all the other springs of life. I was forced from time to time to reread Marguerite’s letter, in order to convince myself that I had not been dreaming.
When someone has developed a habit, like this love, it feels impossible to break that habit without also disrupting all the other aspects of life. I found myself having to reread Marguerite’s letter from time to time to make sure I wasn’t just dreaming.
My body, succumbing to the moral shock, was incapable of movement. Anxiety, the night walk, and the morning’s news had prostrated me. My father profited by this total prostration of all my faculties to demand of me a formal promise to accompany him. I promised all that he asked, for I was incapable of sustaining a discussion, and I needed some affection to help me to live, after what had happened. I was too thankful that my father was willing to console me under such a calamity.
My body, overwhelmed by the shock, couldn’t move. Anxiety, the walk last night, and the morning’s news had completely drained me. My father took advantage of my total helplessness to get me to promise to go with him. I agreed to everything he asked because I couldn’t handle a conversation, and I needed some comfort to cope after what had happened. I was just so grateful that my father was there to comfort me during such a tough time.
All that I remember is that on that day, about five o’clock, he took me with him in a post-chaise. Without a word to me, he had had my luggage packed and put up behind the chaise with his own, and so he carried me off. I did not realize what I was doing until the town had disappeared and the solitude of the road recalled to me the emptiness of my heart. Then my tears again began to flow.
All I remember is that on that day, around five o’clock, he took me with him in a coach. Without saying a word to me, he had my luggage packed and placed behind the coach with his own, and off we went. I didn’t realize what was happening until the town faded away and the loneliness of the road reminded me of the emptiness in my heart. Then the tears started falling again.
My father had realized that words, even from him, would do nothing to console me, and he let me weep without saying a word, only sometimes pressing my hand, as if to remind me that I had a friend at my side.
My father understood that no words, even from him, would comfort me, so he let me cry in silence, occasionally squeezing my hand, as if to remind me that I wasn't alone.
At night I slept a little. I dreamed of Marguerite.
At night, I got some sleep. I dreamed about Marguerite.
I woke with a start, not recalling why I was in the carriage. Then the truth came back upon me, and I let my head sink on my breast. I dared not say anything to my father. I was afraid he would say, “You see I was right when I declared that this woman did not love you.” But he did not use his advantage, and we reached C. without his having said anything to me except to speak of matters quite apart from the event which had occasioned my leaving Paris.
I woke up suddenly, not remembering why I was in the carriage. Then the truth hit me, and I let my head drop to my chest. I was too scared to say anything to my father. I feared he would say, “I told you this woman didn’t love you.” But he didn’t take advantage of the situation, and we got to C. without him mentioning anything about what had caused me to leave Paris, other than talking about unrelated things.
When I embraced my sister, I remembered what Marguerite had said about her in her letter, and I saw at once how little my sister, good as she was, would be able to make me forget my mistress.
When I hugged my sister, I recalled what Marguerite had mentioned about her in her letter, and I instantly realized how little my sister, as wonderful as she was, could help me forget my lover.
Shooting had begun, and my father thought that it would be a distraction for me. He got up shooting parties with friends and neighbours. I went without either reluctance or enthusiasm, with that sort of apathy into which I had sunk since my departure.
Shooting had started, and my dad thought it would be a good distraction for me. He organized shooting outings with friends and neighbors. I went without much enthusiasm or hesitation, feeling that same apathy I had fallen into since leaving.
We were beating about for game and I was given my post. I put down my unloaded gun at my side, and meditated. I watched the clouds pass. I let my thought wander over the solitary plains, and from time to time I heard someone call to me and point to a hare not ten paces off. None of these details escaped my father, and he was not deceived by my exterior calm. He was well aware that, broken as I now was, I should some day experience a terrible reaction, which might be dangerous, and, without seeming to make any effort to console me, he did his utmost to distract my thoughts.
We were searching for game, and I took my position. I set my unloaded gun beside me and started to think. I watched the clouds drift by. My mind wandered over the empty plains, and occasionally I heard someone call out to me, pointing to a hare just a few steps away. None of this slipped by my father, who saw through my calm exterior. He knew that, given how broken I felt, I would one day face a severe reaction, which could be risky, and without making an obvious effort to comfort me, he did everything he could to keep my mind occupied.
My sister, naturally, knew nothing of what had happened, and she could not understand how it was that I, who had formerly been so lighthearted, had suddenly become so sad and dreamy.
My sister, of course, had no idea what had happened, and she couldn’t understand why I, who used to be so cheerful, had suddenly become so sad and lost in my thoughts.
Sometimes, surprising in the midst of my sadness my father’s anxious scrutiny, I pressed his hand as if to ask him tacitly to forgive me for the pain which, in spite of myself, I was giving him.
Sometimes, caught off guard by my sadness and my father's worried watchfulness, I took his hand, as if silently asking him to forgive me for the pain I was causing him, even though I didn't mean to.
Thus a month passed, but at the end of that time I could endure it no longer. The memory of Marguerite pursued me unceasingly. I had loved, I still loved this woman so much that I could not suddenly become indifferent to her. I had to love or to hate her. Above all, whatever I felt for her, I had to see her again, and at once. This desire possessed my mind, and with all the violence of a will which had begun to reassert itself in a body so long inert.
Thus a month went by, but by the end of that time, I could no longer bear it. The memory of Marguerite haunted me constantly. I had loved her, and I still loved this woman so much that I couldn't suddenly be indifferent to her. I had to either love her or hate her. Above all, whatever I felt for her, I had to see her again, right away. This longing consumed my thoughts, with all the intensity of a will that was beginning to regain strength in a body that had been so long inactive.
It was not enough for me to see Marguerite in a month, a week. I had to see her the very next day after the day when the thought had occurred to me; and I went to my father and told him that I had been called to Paris on business, but that I should return promptly. No doubt he guessed the reason of my departure, for he insisted that I should stay, but, seeing that if I did not carry out my intention the consequences, in the state in which I was, might be fatal, he embraced me, and begged me, almost, with tears, to return without delay.
It wasn't enough for me to see Marguerite in a month or even a week. I needed to see her the very next day after the thought first crossed my mind. So, I went to my dad and told him that I had to go to Paris for work, but I would be back quickly. He probably guessed the real reason for my trip because he insisted that I stay. But he realized that if I didn't go through with my plan, the consequences could be disastrous for me. He hugged me and pleaded, nearly in tears, for me to come back as soon as possible.
I did not sleep on the way to Paris. Once there, what was I going to do? I did not know; I only knew that it must be something connected with Marguerite. I went to my rooms to change my clothes, and, as the weather was fine and it was still early, I made my way to the Champs-Elysées. At the end of half an hour I saw Marguerite’s carriage, at some distance, coming from the Rond-Point to the Place de la Concorde. She had repurchased her horses, for the carriage was just as I was accustomed to see it, but she was not in it. Scarcely had I noticed this fact, when looking around me, I saw Marguerite on foot, accompanied by a woman whom I had never seen.
I didn’t sleep on the way to Paris. Once I arrived, what was I going to do? I had no idea; I only knew it had to be something related to Marguerite. I went to my room to change my clothes, and since the weather was nice and it was still early, I headed to the Champs-Elysées. After about half an hour, I spotted Marguerite’s carriage in the distance, coming from the Rond-Point toward the Place de la Concorde. She had bought her horses back, as the carriage looked just like I remembered, but she wasn’t inside. Just as I noticed that, I looked around and saw Marguerite walking, accompanied by a woman I had never seen before.
As she passed me she turned pale, and a nervous smile tightened about her lips. For my part, my heart beat violently in my breast; but I succeeded in giving a cold expression to my face, as I bowed coldly to my former mistress, who just then reached her carriage, into which she got with her friend.
As she walked by me, she turned pale, and a nervous smile formed on her lips. For my part, my heart was racing in my chest; but I managed to keep a blank look on my face as I coldly bowed to my former mistress, who had just reached her car and got in with her friend.
I knew Marguerite: this unexpected meeting must certainly have upset her. No doubt she had heard that I had gone away, and had thus been reassured as to the consequences of our rupture; but, seeing me again in Paris, finding herself face to face with me, pale as I was, she must have realized that I had not returned without purpose, and she must have asked herself what that purpose was.
I knew Marguerite: this unexpected encounter must have really thrown her off. She probably heard that I had left and felt reassured about what our breakup meant; but now, seeing me again in Paris, staring at me while I was pale, she must have realized I hadn't come back for no reason, and she must have wondered what that reason was.
If I had seen Marguerite unhappy, if, in revenging myself upon her, I could have come to her aid, I should perhaps have forgiven her, and certainly I should have never dreamt of doing her an injury. But I found her apparently happy, someone else had restored to her the luxury which I could not give her; her breaking with me seemed to assume a character of the basest self-interest; I was lowered in my own esteem as well as in my love. I resolved that she should pay for what I had suffered.
If I had seen Marguerite unhappy, if I could have taken revenge on her by helping her, I might have forgiven her, and I definitely would have never thought about hurting her. But I found her seemingly happy; someone else had given her the comforts I couldn’t provide. Her breaking up with me felt like pure selfishness. I lost respect for myself and for my love. I decided that she should pay for what I had gone through.
I could not be indifferent to what she did, consequently what would hurt her the most would be my indifference; it was, therefore, this sentiment which I must affect, not only in her eyes, but in the eyes of others.
I couldn't remain indifferent to what she did; therefore, what would hurt her the most would be my indifference. It was this feeling that I had to project, not just in her eyes, but in the eyes of others.
I tried to put on a smiling countenance, and I went to call on Prudence. The maid announced me, and I had to wait a few minutes in the drawing-room. At last Mme. Duvernoy appeared and asked me into her boudoir; as I seated myself I heard the drawing-room door open, a light footstep made the floor creak and the front door was closed violently.
I tried to put on a smile and went to visit Prudence. The maid announced me, and I had to wait a few minutes in the living room. Finally, Mme. Duvernoy came in and invited me into her private sitting room; as I sat down, I heard the living room door open, a light footstep made the floor creak, and the front door slammed shut.
“I am disturbing you,” I said to Prudence.
“I’m bothering you,” I said to Prudence.
“Not in the least. Marguerite was there. When she heard you announced, she made her escape; it was she who has just gone out.”
"Not at all. Marguerite was here. When she heard you were announced, she slipped away; it was her who just left."
“Is she afraid of me now?”
“Is she scared of me now?”
“No, but she is afraid that you would not wish to see her.”
“No, but she’s afraid that you wouldn’t want to see her.”
“But why?” I said, drawing my breath with difficulty, for I was choked with emotion. “The poor girl left me for her carriage, her furniture, and her diamonds; she did quite right, and I don’t bear her any grudge. I met her to-day,” I continued carelessly.
“But why?” I said, struggling to catch my breath because I was overwhelmed with emotion. “The poor girl chose her carriage, her furniture, and her diamonds over me; she made the right call, and I don’t hold anything against her. I ran into her today,” I continued nonchalantly.
“Where?” asked Prudence, looking at me and seeming to ask herself if this was the same man whom she had known so madly in love.
“Where?” asked Prudence, looking at me and seeming to wonder if this was the same man she had once loved so intensely.
“In the Champs-Elysées. She was with another woman, very pretty. Who is she?”
“In the Champs-Elysées. She was with another woman, really attractive. Who is she?”
“What was she like?”
"What was she like?"
“Blonde, slender, with side curls; blue eyes; very elegant.”
“Blonde, slender, with side curls; blue eyes; really elegant.”
“Ah! It was Olympe; she is really very pretty.”
“Ah! It was Olympe; she's really very pretty.”
“Whom does she live with?”
“Who does she live with?”
“With nobody; with anybody.”
"With nobody; with anyone."
“Where does she live?”
"Where does she live?"
“Rue Tronchet, No.—. Do you want to make love to her?”
“Rue Tronchet, No.—. Do you want to hook up with her?”
“One never knows.”
"You never know."
“And Marguerite?”
“And what about Marguerite?”
“I should hardly tell you the truth if I said I think no more about her; but I am one of those with whom everything depends on the way in which one breaks with them. Now Marguerite ended with me so lightly that I realize I was a great fool to have been as much in love with her as I was, for I was really very much in love with that girl.”
“I shouldn’t kid you by saying that I don’t think about her anymore; but for me, everything hinges on how a breakup happens. Marguerite ended things with me so casually that I see now how foolish I was to be so in love with her, because I was truly very much in love with that girl.”
You can imagine the way in which I said that; the sweat broke out on my forehead.
You can picture how I said that; sweat started to pour down my forehead.
“She was very fond of you, you know, and she still is; the proof is, that after meeting you to-day, she came straight to tell me about it. When she got here she was all of a tremble; I thought she was going to faint.”
“She really liked you, you know, and she still does; the proof is that after meeting you today, she came straight to tell me about it. When she got here, she was all shaky; I thought she was going to faint.”
“Well, what did she say?”
"Well, what did she say?"
“She said, ‘He is sure to come here,’ and she begged me to ask you to forgive her.”
“She said, ‘He will definitely come here,’ and she asked me to please forgive her.”
“I have forgiven her, you may tell her. She was a good girl; but, after all, like the others, and I ought to have expected what happened. I am even grateful to her, for I see now what would have happened if I had lived with her altogether. It was ridiculous.”
“I've forgiven her, you can tell her. She was a good girl; but, like the others, I should have seen what was coming. I’m even thankful to her, because I realize now what would have happened if I had fully committed to being with her. It was absurd.”
“She will be very glad to find that you take it so well. It was quite time she left you, my dear fellow. The rascal of an agent to whom she had offered to sell her furniture went around to her creditors to find out how much she owed; they took fright, and in two days she would have been sold up.”
“She will be really happy to see that you’re handling it so well. It was definitely time for her to leave you, my friend. The scoundrel of an agent she offered to sell her furniture to went around to her creditors to check how much she owed; they panicked, and in two days, she would have been bankrupt.”
“And now it is all paid?”
“Is everything settled now?”
“More or less.”
"More or less."
“And who has supplied the money?”
“Who funded this?”
“The Comte de N. Ah, my dear friend, there are men made on purpose for such occasions. To cut a long story short he gave her twenty thousand francs, but he has had his way at last. He knows quite well that Marguerite is not in love with him; but he is very nice with her all the same. As you have seen, he has repurchased her horses, he has taken her jewels out of pawn, and he gives her as much money as the duke used to give her; if she likes to live quietly, he will stay with her a long time.”
“The Comte de N. Ah, my dear friend, there are people created just for these situations. To make a long story short, he gave her twenty thousand francs, but he ultimately got what he wanted. He knows that Marguerite doesn't love him, but he treats her kindly anyway. As you've seen, he has bought back her horses, retrieved her jewels from the pawn shop, and gives her as much money as the duke used to give her; if she wants to live peacefully, he’ll stick around for a long time.”
“And what is she doing? Is she living in Paris altogether?”
“And what’s she up to? Is she living in Paris full-time?”
“She would never go back to Bougival after you went. I had to go myself and see after all her things, and yours, too. I made a package of them and you can send here for them. You will find everything, except a little case with your initials. Marguerite wanted to keep it. If you really want it, I will ask her for it.”
“She would never return to Bougival after you left. I had to go myself and check on all her stuff, and yours too. I packed them up, and you can send someone to pick them up. You’ll find everything except for a small case with your initials. Marguerite wanted to keep that. If you really want it, I can ask her for it.”
“Let her keep it,” I stammered, for I felt the tears rise from my heart to my eyes at the recollection of the village where I had been so happy, and at the thought that Marguerite cared to keep something which had belonged to me and would recall me to her. If she had entered at that moment my thoughts of vengeance would have disappeared, and I should have fallen at her feet.
“Let her keep it,” I stammered, feeling tears welling up in my eyes as I remembered the village where I had been so happy, and the thought that Marguerite wanted to hold onto something that belonged to me and would remind her of me. If she had walked in at that moment, my vengeful thoughts would have vanished, and I would have fallen at her feet.
“For the rest,” continued Prudence, “I never saw her as she is now; she hardly takes any sleep, she goes to all the balls, she goes to suppers, she even drinks. The other day, after a supper, she had to stay in bed for a week; and when the doctor let her get up, she began again at the risk of her life. Shall you go and see her?”
“For the rest,” continued Prudence, “I’ve never seen her like this before; she hardly sleeps, she goes to all the parties, she goes to dinners, she even drinks. The other day, after a dinner, she had to stay in bed for a week; and when the doctor finally let her get up, she started up again despite the risks to her health. Are you going to visit her?”
“What is the good? I came to see you, because you have always been charming to me, and I knew you before I ever knew Marguerite. I owe it to you that I have been her lover, and also, don’t I, that I am her lover no longer?”
“What is the good? I came to see you because you’ve always been kind to me, and I knew you before I ever knew Marguerite. I owe it to you that I was her lover, and also, don't I, that I’m no longer her lover?”
“Well, I did all I could to get her away from you, and I believe you will be thankful to me later on.”
“Well, I did everything I could to get her away from you, and I think you’ll be grateful to me later.”
“I owe you a double gratitude,” I added, rising, for I was disgusted with the woman, seeing her take every word I said to her as if it were serious.
“I owe you a double thank you,” I added, standing up, because I was repulsed by the woman, watching her take every word I said to her as if it were serious.
“You are going?”
"Are you going?"
“Yes.”
"Yep."
I had learned enough.
I’ve learned enough.
“When shall I be seeing you?”
"When will I see you?"
“Soon. Good-bye.”
“See you soon. Bye.”
“Good-bye.”
“Goodbye.”
Prudence saw me to the door, and I went back to my own rooms with tears of rage in my eyes and a desire for vengeance in my heart.
Prudence walked me to the door, and I returned to my own rooms with tears of anger in my eyes and a longing for revenge in my heart.
So Marguerite was no different from the others; so the steadfast love that she had had for me could not resist the desire of returning to her former life, and the need of having a carriage and plunging into dissipation. So I said to myself, as I lay awake at night though if I had reflected as calmly as I professed to I should have seen in this new and turbulent life of Marguerite the attempt to silence a constant thought, a ceaseless memory. Unfortunately, evil passion had the upper hand, and I only sought for some means of avenging myself on the poor creature. Oh, how petty and vile is man when he is wounded in one of his narrow passions!
So Marguerite was no different from the others; the solid love she had for me couldn’t resist the pull to return to her old life and the need for a carriage and a life of indulgence. As I lay awake at night, I thought to myself that if I had reflected as calmly as I claimed, I would have seen in this new and chaotic life of Marguerite an attempt to quiet a constant thought, a relentless memory. Sadly, her destructive desire took over, and I only looked for ways to get back at her. Oh, how petty and despicable people can be when they're hurt by their own narrow passions!
This Olympe whom I had seen was, if not a friend of Marguerite, at all events the woman with whom she was most often seen since her return to Paris. She was going to give a ball, and, as I took it for granted that Marguerite would be there, I tried to get an invitation and succeeded.
This Olympe I saw was, if not a friend of Marguerite, at least the woman she was most often seen with since coming back to Paris. She was going to throw a party, and since I assumed Marguerite would be there, I tried to get an invitation and managed to do so.
When, full of my sorrowful emotions, I arrived at the ball, it was already very animated. They were dancing, shouting even, and in one of the quadrilles I perceived Marguerite dancing with the Comte de N., who seemed proud of showing her off, as if he said to everybody: “This woman is mine.”
When I arrived at the ball, overwhelmed with my sad feelings, it was already bustling with energy. People were dancing and even shouting, and in one of the quadrilles, I saw Marguerite dancing with the Comte de N., who looked proud to be showing her off, as if to say to everyone: “This woman is mine.”
I leaned against the mantel-piece just opposite Marguerite and watched her dancing. Her face changed the moment she caught sight of me. I saluted her casually with a glance of the eyes and a wave of the hand.
I leaned against the mantelpiece directly across from Marguerite and watched her dance. Her expression shifted the moment she noticed me. I greeted her nonchalantly with a glance and a wave of my hand.
When I reflected that after the ball she would go home, not with me but with that rich fool, when I thought of what would follow their return, the blood rose to my face, and I felt the need of doing something to trouble their relations.
When I thought about how after the party she would leave, not with me but with that rich idiot, and what would happen next when they got back, I felt my face flush and I had this urge to do something to mess up their relationship.
After the contredanse I went up to the mistress of the house, who displayed for the benefit of her guests a dazzling bosom and magnificent shoulders. She was beautiful, and, from the point of view of figure, more beautiful than Marguerite. I realized this fact still more clearly from certain glances which Marguerite bestowed upon her while I was talking with her. The man who was the lover of such a woman might well be as proud as M. de N., and she was beautiful enough to inspire a passion not less great than that which Marguerite had inspired in me. At that moment she had no lover. It would not be difficult to become so; it depended only on showing enough money to attract her attention.
After the contredanse, I approached the hostess, who flaunted a stunning décolletage and striking shoulders for the enjoyment of her guests. She was beautiful, and in terms of physique, even more beautiful than Marguerite. I became even more aware of this due to certain glances that Marguerite cast at her while I was speaking with her. A man who had such a woman as his lover could certainly feel as proud as M. de N., and she was beautiful enough to ignite a passion as intense as the one Marguerite had stirred in me. At that moment, she had no lover. It wouldn't be hard to win her over; it simply required displaying enough wealth to catch her interest.
I made up my mind. That woman should be my mistress. I began by dancing with her. Half an hour afterward, Marguerite, pale as death, put on her pelisse and left the ball.
I had decided. That woman should be my mistress. I started by dancing with her. Half an hour later, Marguerite, as pale as a ghost, put on her coat and left the party.
Chapter XXIV
It was something already, but it was not enough. I saw the hold which I had upon this woman, and I took a cowardly advantage of it.
It was something, but it wasn’t enough. I recognized the power I had over this woman, and I took a cowardly advantage of it.
When I think that she is dead now, I ask myself if God will ever forgive me for the wrong I did her.
When I think that she’s gone now, I wonder if God will ever forgive me for the hurt I caused her.
After the supper, which was noisy as could be, there was gambling. I sat by the side of Olympe and put down my money so recklessly that she could not but notice me. In an instant I had gained one hundred and fifty or two hundred louis, which I spread out before me on the table, and on which she fastened her eyes greedily.
After dinner, which was as loud as ever, there was some gambling. I sat next to Olympe and threw down my money so carelessly that she couldn't help but notice me. In no time, I had won one hundred and fifty or two hundred louis, which I laid out in front of me on the table, and she stared at it hungrily.
I was the only one not completely absorbed by the game, and able to pay her some attention. All the rest of the night I gained, and it was I who gave her money to play, for she had lost all she had before her and probably all she had in the house.
I was the only one not totally caught up in the game, so I could pay her some attention. The rest of the night I won, and it was me who gave her money to play with since she had lost everything she had in front of her and probably all she had at home.
At five in the morning, the guests departed. I had gained three hundred louis.
At five in the morning, the guests left. I had made three hundred louis.
All the players were already on their way downstairs; I was the only one who had remained behind, and as I did not know any of them, no one noticed it. Olympe herself was lighting the way, and I was going to follow the others, when, turning back, I said to her:
All the players were already heading downstairs; I was the only one left behind, and since I didn’t know any of them, no one noticed. Olympe was lighting the way, and I was about to follow the others when, turning back, I said to her:
“I must speak to you.”
"I need to talk to you."
“To-morrow,” she said.
"Tomorrow," she said.
“No, now.”
“No, not now.”
“What have you to say?”
"What do you have to say?"
“You will see.”
"You'll see."
And I went back into the room.
And I went back into the room.
“You have lost,” I said.
"You lost," I said.
“Yes.
“Yeah.
“All that you had in the house?”
“All that you had in the house?”
She hesitated.
She paused.
“Be frank.”
“Be honest.”
“Well, it is true.”
"Well, that's true."
“I have won three hundred louis. Here they are, if you will let me stay here to-night.”
"I’ve won three hundred louis. Here they are, if you’ll let me stay here tonight."
And I threw the gold on the table.
And I tossed the gold onto the table.
“And why this proposition?”
“What's the reason for this proposal?”
“Because I am in love with you, of course.”
“Because I’m in love with you, obviously.”
“No, but because you love Marguerite, and you want to have your revenge upon her by becoming my lover. You don’t deceive a woman like me, my dear friend; unluckily, I am still too young and too good-looking to accept the part that you offer me.”
“No, but it’s because you love Marguerite, and you want to get back at her by being with me. You can’t trick a woman like me, my dear friend; unfortunately, I’m still too young and too attractive to take on the role you’re offering me.”
“So you refuse?”
"So you're saying no?"
“Yes.
Yes.
“Would you rather take me for nothing? It is I who wouldn’t accept then. Think it over, my dear Olympe; if I had sent someone to offer you these three hundred louis on my behalf, on the conditions I attach to them, you would have accepted. I preferred to speak to you myself. Accept without inquiring into my reasons; say to yourself that you are beautiful, and that there is nothing surprising in my being in love with you.”
“Would you really want to reject me for nothing? I’m the one who wouldn’t accept that. Think about it, my dear Olympe; if I had sent someone to offer you these three hundred louis on my behalf, with the conditions I’ve set, you would have accepted. I chose to talk to you myself. Just accept it without questioning my reasons; remind yourself that you are beautiful, and there’s nothing surprising about my being in love with you.”
Marguerite was a woman in the same position as Olympe, and yet I should never have dared say to her the first time I met her what I had said to the other woman. I loved Marguerite. I saw in her instincts which were lacking in the other, and at the very moment in which I made my bargain, I felt a disgust toward the woman with whom I was making it.
Marguerite was in the same situation as Olympe, yet I would never have had the nerve to say to her what I had said to the other woman the first time we met. I loved Marguerite. I recognized instincts in her that the other woman didn’t have, and at the very moment I struck my deal, I felt a strong sense of disgust toward the woman I was dealing with.
She accepted, of course, in the end, and at midday I left her house as her lover; but I quitted her without a recollection of the caresses and of the words of love which she had felt bound to shower upon me in return for the six thousand francs which I left with her. And yet there were men who had ruined themselves for that woman.
She agreed, of course, in the end, and at noon I left her house as her lover; but I left her without remembering the kisses and the loving words she felt compelled to give me in exchange for the six thousand francs I left with her. And yet, there were men who had destroyed themselves for that woman.
From that day I inflicted on Marguerite a continual persecution. Olympe and she gave up seeing one another, as you might imagine. I gave my new mistress a carriage and jewels. I gambled, I committed every extravagance which could be expected of a man in love with such a woman as Olympe. The report of my new infatuation was immediately spread abroad.
From that day on, I continuously tormented Marguerite. Olympe and she stopped seeing each other, as you can imagine. I showered my new lover with a carriage and jewelry. I gambled and indulged in every excess that you would expect from a man in love with someone like Olympe. News of my new obsession spread quickly.
Prudence herself was taken in, and finally thought that I had completely forgotten Marguerite. Marguerite herself, whether she guessed my motive or was deceived like everybody else, preserved a perfect dignity in response to the insults which I heaped upon her daily. Only, she seemed to suffer, for whenever I met her she was more and more pale, more and more sad. My love for her, carried to the point at which it was transformed into hatred, rejoiced at the sight of her daily sorrow. Often, when my cruelty toward her became infamous, Marguerite lifted upon me such appealing eyes that I blushed for the part I was playing, and was ready to implore her forgiveness.
Prudence herself was fooled and eventually thought that I had completely forgotten Marguerite. Marguerite, whether she sensed my true feelings or was misled like everyone else, maintained her dignity despite the insults I threw at her every day. However, she seemed to suffer, as she grew increasingly pale and sad whenever I saw her. My love for her, which had twisted into hatred, took a strange pleasure in witnessing her daily anguish. Often, when my cruelty towards her reached a new low, Marguerite would look at me with such heartbreaking eyes that I felt ashamed of my actions and was ready to beg for her forgiveness.
But my repentance was only of a moment’s duration, and Olympe, who had finally put aside all self-respect, and discovered that by annoying Marguerite she could get from me whatever she wanted, constantly stirred up my resentment against her, and insulted her whenever she found an opportunity, with the cowardly persistence of a woman licensed by the authority of a man.
But my regret lasted only a moment, and Olympe, who had finally let go of all self-respect, realized that by bothering Marguerite, she could get me to give her whatever she wanted. She constantly fueled my anger towards her and insulted Marguerite whenever she had the chance, with the cowardly persistence of a woman empowered by a man’s approval.
At last Marguerite gave up going to balls or theatres, for fear of meeting Olympe and me. Then direct impertinences gave way to anonymous letters, and there was not a shameful thing which I did not encourage my mistress to relate and which I did not myself relate in reference to Marguerite.
At last, Marguerite stopped going to parties or theaters, worried about running into Olympe and me. Then, instead of direct insults, we started receiving anonymous letters, and there wasn’t a scandalous story that I didn’t urge my mistress to share, or that I didn’t share myself about Marguerite.
To reach such a point I must have been literally mad. I was like a man drunk upon bad wine, who falls into one of those nervous exaltations in which the hand is capable of committing a crime without the head knowing anything about it. In the midst of it all I endured a martyrdom. The not disdainful calm, the not contemptuous dignity with which Marguerite responded to all my attacks, and which raised her above me in my own eyes, enraged me still more against her.
To get to that point, I must have been completely out of my mind. I felt like a guy who’s drunk on cheap wine, slipping into one of those frantic states where my hands could do something terrible without my brain even realizing it. Despite everything, I went through a real suffering. The way Marguerite responded to all my confrontations—without any disdain and with a dignity that made her seem superior in my eyes—only made me angrier with her.
One evening Olympe had gone somewhere or other, and had met Marguerite, who for once had not spared the foolish creature, so that she had had to retire in confusion. Olympe returned in a fury, and Marguerite fainted and had to be carried out. Olympe related to me what had happened, declared that Marguerite, seeing her alone, had revenged herself upon her because she was my mistress, and that I must write and tell her to respect the woman whom I loved, whether I was present or absent.
One evening, Olympe had gone out somewhere and ran into Marguerite, who, for once, didn't hold back on the foolish girl, leaving her embarrassed and flustered. Olympe returned in a rage, while Marguerite fainted and had to be carried out. Olympe told me what happened, insisting that Marguerite, seeing her alone, had taken revenge on her because she was my girlfriend, and that I needed to write and tell her to respect the woman I loved, whether I was there or not.
I need not tell you that I consented, and that I put into the letter which I sent to her address the same day, everything bitter, shameful, and cruel that I could think of.
I don't need to say that I agreed, and that in the letter I sent to her that same day, I included everything bitter, shameful, and cruel that I could think of.
This time the blow was more than the unhappy creature could endure without replying. I felt sure that an answer would come, and I resolved not to go out all day. About two there was a ring, and Prudence entered.
This time the hit was more than the unfortunate soul could take without responding. I was sure an answer would come, so I decided not to go out all day. Around two, there was a knock, and Prudence walked in.
I tried to assume an indifferent air as I asked her what had brought her; but that day Mme. Duvernoy was not in a laughing humour, and in a really moved voice she said to me that since my return, that is to say for about three weeks, I had left no occasion untried which could give pain to Marguerite, that she was completely upset by it, and that the scene of last night and my angry letter of the morning had forced her to take to her bed. In short, without making any reproach, Marguerite sent to ask me for a little pity, since she had no longer the moral or physical strength to endure what I was making her suffer.
I tried to act like I didn't care as I asked her why she was there, but that day, Mme. Duvernoy wasn't in a joking mood. With a genuinely emotional tone, she told me that since my return, which was about three weeks ago, I had done everything I could to hurt Marguerite, that she was completely distressed by it, and that the scene from last night along with my angry letter this morning had pushed her to her bed. In short, without blaming me, Marguerite asked for a little compassion, as she no longer had the strength—mentally or physically—to handle what I was putting her through.
“That Mlle. Gautier,” I said to Prudence, “should turn me out of her own house is quite reasonable, but that she should insult the woman whom I love, under the pretence that this woman is my mistress, is a thing I will never permit.”
“That Mlle. Gautier,” I said to Prudence, “kicking me out of her own house is totally fair, but insulting the woman I love, pretending that she’s my mistress, is something I will never allow.”
“My friend,” said Prudence, “you are under the influence of a woman who has neither heart nor sense; you are in love with her, it is true, but that is not a reason for torturing a woman who can not defend herself.”
“My friend,” said Prudence, “you’re being swayed by a woman who has no heart or common sense; you’re in love with her, it's true, but that doesn’t justify hurting someone who can’t defend herself.”
“Let Mlle. Gautier send me her Comte de N. and the sides will be equal.”
“Let Mlle. Gautier send me her Count de N., and then everything will be equal.”
“You know very well that she will not do that. So, my dear Armand, let her alone. If you saw her you would be ashamed of the way in which you are treating her. She is white, she coughs—she won’t last long now.”
“You know she won’t do that. So, my dear Armand, leave her be. If you saw her, you would be ashamed of how you’re treating her. She’s white, she coughs—she won’t last much longer now.”
And Prudence held out her hand to me, adding:
And Prudence extended her hand to me, saying:
“Come and see her; it will make her very happy.”
“Come and see her; it will make her really happy.”
“I have no desire to meet M. de N.”
“I don’t want to meet M. de N.”
“M. de N. is never there. She can not endure him.”
“M. de N. is never around. She can't stand him.”
“If Marguerite wishes to see me, she knows where I live; let her come to see me, but, for my part, I will never put foot in the Rue d’Antin.”
“If Marguerite wants to see me, she knows where I live; she can come visit me, but as for me, I will never set foot in Rue d’Antin.”
“Will you receive her well?”
"Will you welcome her?"
“Certainly.”
"Sure."
“Well, I am sure that she will come.”
“Well, I'm sure she will come.”
“Let her come.”
“Let her in.”
“Shall you be out to-day?”
"Are you going out today?"
“I shall be at home all the evening.”
"I'll be home all night."
“I will tell her.”
“I'll tell her.”
And Prudence left me.
And Prudence broke up with me.
I did not even write to tell Olympe not to expect me. I never troubled much about her, scarcely going to see her one night a week. She consoled herself, I believe, with an actor from some theatre or other.
I didn't even write to let Olympe know not to expect me. I never really thought about her much, hardly visiting her even once a week. I think she found comfort with some actor from a theater or another.
I went out for dinner and came back almost immediately. I had a fire lit in my room and I told Joseph he could go out.
I went out for dinner and came back almost right away. I had a fire going in my room and told Joseph he could go out.
I can give you no idea of the different impressions which agitated me during the hour in which I waited; but when, toward nine o’clock, I heard a ring, they thronged together into one such emotion, that, as I opened the door, I was obliged to lean against the wall to keep myself from falling.
I can't even begin to explain the mix of feelings that overwhelmed me during the hour I waited; but when I heard the doorbell ring around nine o’clock, they all came together into such a strong emotion that, as I opened the door, I had to lean against the wall to keep from collapsing.
Fortunately the anteroom was in half darkness, and the change in my countenance was less visible. Marguerite entered.
Fortunately, the anteroom was dimly lit, so the change in my expression was less noticeable. Marguerite walked in.
She was dressed in black and veiled. I could scarcely recognise her face through the veil. She went into the drawing-room and raised her veil. She was pale as marble.
She was dressed in black and wore a veil. I could barely recognize her face through the veil. She entered the living room and lifted her veil. She looked as pale as marble.
“I am here, Armand,” she said; “you wished to see me and I have come.”
“I’m here, Armand,” she said; “you wanted to see me and I’ve come.”
And letting her head fall on her hands, she burst into tears.
And as she let her head fall onto her hands, she started crying.
I went up to her.
I approached her.
“What is the matter?” I said to her in a low voice.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her quietly.
She pressed my hand without a word, for tears still veiled her voice. But after a few minutes, recovering herself a little, she said to me:
She squeezed my hand silently, as her tears still choked her words. But after a few moments, regaining her composure a bit, she said to me:
“You have been very unkind to me, Armand, and I have done nothing to you.”
“You've been really unkind to me, Armand, and I've done nothing to you.”
“Nothing?” I answered, with a bitter smile.
“Nothing?” I replied, with a bitter smile.
“Nothing but what circumstances forced me to do.”
"Nothing but what circumstances made me do."
I do not know if you have ever in your life experienced, or if you will ever experience, what I felt at the sight of Marguerite.
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt, or if you will ever feel, what I felt when I saw Marguerite.
The last time she had come to see me she had sat in the same place where she was now sitting; only, since then, she had been the mistress of another man, other kisses than mine had touched her lips, toward which, in spite of myself, my own reached out, and yet I felt that I loved this woman as much, more perhaps, than I had ever loved her.
The last time she came to see me, she sat in the same spot where she was now; only, since then, she had been with another man, and other kisses besides mine had touched her lips, which, despite myself, I longed for. Yet I felt that I loved this woman as much, maybe even more, than I ever had.
It was difficult for me to begin the conversation on the subject which brought her. Marguerite no doubt realized it, for she went on:
It was hard for me to start talking about the topic that brought her here. Marguerite probably noticed, because she continued:
“I have come to trouble you, Armand, for I have two things to ask: pardon for what I said yesterday to Mlle. Olympe, and pity for what you are perhaps still ready to do to me. Intentionally or not, since your return you have given me so much pain that I should be incapable now of enduring a fourth part of what I have endured till now. You will have pity on me, won’t you? And you will understand that a man who is not heartless has other nobler things to do than to take his revenge upon a sick and sad woman like me. See, take my hand. I am in a fever. I left my bed to come to you, and ask, not for your friendship, but for your indifference.”
“I've come to trouble you, Armand, because I have two things to ask: forgiveness for what I said yesterday to Mlle. Olympe, and compassion for what you might still be planning to do to me. Whether you meant it or not, since your return, you’ve caused me so much pain that I can’t handle even a quarter of what I’ve already suffered. You will feel sorry for me, won’t you? And you’ll see that a man who isn’t cruel has better and nobler things to do than seek revenge on a sick and sorrowful woman like me. Look, take my hand. I’m burning up with fever. I got out of bed to come to you, and I’m asking not for your friendship, but for your indifference.”
I took Marguerite’s hand. It was burning, and the poor woman shivered under her fur cloak.
I took Marguerite’s hand. It was hot, and the poor woman shook beneath her fur coat.
I rolled the arm-chair in which she was sitting up to the fire.
I moved the armchair she was sitting in closer to the fire.
“Do you think, then, that I did not suffer,” said I, “on that night when, after waiting for you in the country, I came to look for you in Paris, and found nothing but the letter which nearly drove me mad? How could you have deceived me, Marguerite, when I loved you so much?
“Do you really think I didn't suffer,” I said, “on that night when, after waiting for you in the countryside, I came to find you in Paris and found nothing but the letter that almost drove me insane? How could you have tricked me, Marguerite, when I loved you so deeply?
“Do not speak of that, Armand; I did not come to speak of that. I wanted to see you only not an enemy, and I wanted to take your hand once more. You have a mistress; she is young, pretty, you love her they say. Be happy with her and forget me.”
“Don’t talk about that, Armand; I didn’t come to discuss it. I just wanted to see you, not as an enemy, and I wanted to hold your hand one more time. You have a girlfriend; she’s young, attractive, and they say you love her. Be happy with her and forget about me.”
“And you. You are happy, no doubt?”
“And you. Are you happy, without a doubt?”
“Have I the face of a happy woman, Armand? Do not mock my sorrow, you, who know better than anyone what its cause and its depth are.”
“Do I look like a happy woman, Armand? Don’t make fun of my sadness, you who understand better than anyone the reason and the depth of it.”
“It only depended on you not to have been unhappy at all, if you are as you say.”
“It only depended on you to not be unhappy at all, if you are really as you say.”
“No, my friend; circumstances were stronger than my will. I obeyed, not the instincts of a light woman, as you seem to say, but a serious necessity, and reasons which you will know one day, and which will make you forgive me.”
“No, my friend; circumstances were stronger than my will. I followed not the instincts of a flirtatious woman, as you seem to suggest, but a serious necessity, and reasons that you will understand one day, and which will make you forgive me.”
“Why do you not tell me those reasons to-day?”
“Why don’t you tell me those reasons today?”
“Because they would not bring about an impossible reunion between us, and they would separate you perhaps from those from whom you must not be separated.”
“Because they wouldn’t facilitate an impossible reunion between us, and they might separate you from those you need to stay close to.”
“Who do you mean?”
"Who are you talking about?"
“I can not tell you.”
“I can't tell you.”
“Then you are lying to me.”
“Then you’re lying to me.”
Marguerite rose and went toward the door. I could not behold this silent and expressive sorrow without being touched, when I compared in my mind this pale and weeping woman with the madcap who had made fun of me at the Opera Comique.
Marguerite got up and walked toward the door. I couldn’t watch this quiet and heartbreaking sadness without feeling moved, especially when I compared this pale, weeping woman to the wild girl who had teased me at the Opera Comique.
“You shall not go,” I said, putting myself in front of the door.
"You can't go," I said, standing in front of the door.
“Why?”
"Why?"
“Because, in spite of what you have done to me, I love you always, and I want you to stay here.”
“Because, no matter what you’ve done to me, I always love you, and I want you to stay here.”
“To turn me out to-morrow? No; it is impossible. Our destinies are separate; do not try to reunite them. You will despise me perhaps, while now you can only hate me.”
“To kick me out tomorrow? No; that’s impossible. Our paths are different; don’t try to bring them back together. You might hate me now, but soon you’ll only look down on me.”
“No, Marguerite,” I cried, feeling all my love and all my desire reawaken at the contact of this woman. “No, I will forget everything, and we will be happy as we promised one another that we would be.”
“No, Marguerite,” I exclaimed, feeling all my love and desire come back at the touch of this woman. “No, I will forget everything, and we will be happy like we promised each other we would be.”
Marguerite shook her head doubtfully, and said:
Marguerite shook her head uncertainly and said:
“Am I not your slave, your dog? Do with me what you will. Take me; I am yours.”
“Am I not your servant, your dog? Do whatever you want with me. Take me; I belong to you.”
And throwing off her cloak and hat, she flung them on the sofa, and began hurriedly to undo the front of her dress, for, by one of those reactions so frequent in her malady, the blood rushed to her head and stifled her. A hard, dry cough followed.
And tossing aside her cloak and hat, she tossed them onto the sofa and quickly started to unbutton the front of her dress, because, due to one of those reactions that often happened with her illness, the blood rushed to her head and made her feel suffocated. A harsh, dry cough followed.
“Tell my coachman,” she said, “to go back with the carriage.”
“Tell my driver,” she said, “to go back with the car.”
I went down myself and sent him away. When I returned Marguerite was lying in front of the fire, and her teeth chattered with the cold.
I went down myself and sent him away. When I got back, Marguerite was lying in front of the fire, and her teeth were chattering from the cold.
I took her in my arms. I undressed her, without her making a movement, and carried her, icy cold, to the bed. Then I sat beside her and tried to warm her with my caresses. She did not speak a word, but smiled at me.
I pulled her close to me. I took off her clothes without her moving at all and carried her, feeling her icy skin, to the bed. Then I sat next to her and tried to warm her up with my touch. She didn’t say anything, but she smiled at me.
It was a strange night. All Marguerite’s life seemed to have passed into the kisses with which she covered me, and I loved her so much that in my transports of feverish love I asked myself whether I should not kill her, so that she might never belong to another.
It was a strange night. All of Marguerite's life seemed to flow into the kisses she gave me, and I loved her so much that in my passionate frenzy, I wondered if I should kill her, so she would never belong to anyone else.
A month of love like that, and there would have remained only the corpse of heart or body.
A month of love like that, and there would have been nothing left but the shell of a heart or a body.
The dawn found us both awake. Marguerite was livid white. She did not speak a word. From time to time, big tears rolled from her eyes, and stayed upon her cheeks, shining like diamonds. Her thin arms opened, from time to time, to hold me fast, and fell back helplessly upon the bed.
The dawn found us both awake. Marguerite was ghostly pale. She didn’t say a word. Every now and then, big tears streamed from her eyes and lingered on her cheeks, sparkling like diamonds. Her thin arms would reach out occasionally to hold me tightly, then fall back helplessly onto the bed.
For a moment it seemed to me as if I could forget all that had passed since I had left Bougival, and I said to Marguerite:
For a moment, it felt like I could forget everything that happened since I left Bougival, and I said to Marguerite:
“Shall we go away and leave Paris?”
"Should we just leave Paris?"
“No, no!” she said, almost with affright; “we should be too unhappy. I can do no more to make you happy, but while there is a breath of life in me, I will be the slave of your fancies. At whatever hour of the day or night you will, come, and I will be yours; but do not link your future any more with mine, you would be too unhappy and you would make me too unhappy. I shall still be pretty for a while; make the most of it, but ask nothing more.”
“No, no!” she said, nearly in panic; “we would be too unhappy. I can’t do anything else to make you happy, but as long as I’m alive, I will be at your service. Whenever you want, day or night, come to me, and I’ll be yours; but don’t tie your future to mine any longer, it would make you too unhappy and it would make me too unhappy. I’ll still be attractive for a little while; enjoy it while you can, but don’t expect anything more.”
When she had gone, I was frightened at the solitude in which she left me. Two hours afterward I was still sitting on the side of the bed, looking at the pillow which kept the imprint of her form, and asking myself what was to become of me, between my love and my jealousy.
When she left, I felt anxious about the loneliness she left me in. Two hours later, I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the pillow that still held the shape of her head, wondering what would happen to me, caught between my love and my jealousy.
At five o’clock, without knowing what I was going to do, I went to the Rue d’Antin.
At five o’clock, not knowing what I was going to do, I went to Rue d’Antin.
Nanine opened to me.
Nanine revealed herself to me.
“Madame can not receive you,” she said in an embarrassed way.
“Madame can’t see you right now,” she said awkwardly.
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because M. le Comte de N. is there, and he has given orders to let no one in.”
“Because Count N. is there, and he has instructed that no one is to be allowed in.”
“Quite so,” I stammered; “I forgot.”
“Totally,” I said, stumbling over my words; “I totally forgot.”
I went home like a drunken man, and do you know what I did during the moment of jealous delirium which was long enough for the shameful thing I was going to do? I said to myself that the woman was laughing at me; I saw her alone with the count, saying over to him the same words that she had said to me in the night, and taking a five-hundred-franc note I sent it to her with these words:
I stumbled home like a drunk guy, and do you know what I did in that jealous haze that felt like it lasted forever before I did something shameful? I told myself that the woman was laughing at me; I pictured her alone with the count, repeating the same words she’d said to me last night, and taking a five-hundred-franc note, I sent it to her with these words:
“You went away so suddenly that I forgot to pay you. Here is the price of your night.”
“You left so quickly that I forgot to give you the payment. Here’s the cost for your night.”
Then when the letter was sent I went out as if to free myself from the instantaneous remorse of this infamous action.
Then, after I sent the letter, I went out as if to escape the immediate guilt of this terrible action.
I went to see Olympe, whom I found trying on dresses, and when we were alone she sang obscene songs to amuse me. She was the very type of the shameless, heartless, senseless courtesan, for me at least, for perhaps some men might have dreamed of her as I dreamed of Marguerite. She asked me for money. I gave it to her, and, free then to go, I returned home.
I went to see Olympe, who was trying on dresses, and when we were alone, she sang inappropriate songs to entertain me. She was exactly the kind of shameless, heartless, senseless courtesan that I saw her as, though maybe some men imagined her differently, like I imagined Marguerite. She asked me for money. I gave it to her, and then, feeling free to leave, I headed home.
Marguerite had not answered.
Marguerite hasn't answered.
I need not tell you in what state of agitation I spent the next day. At half past nine a messenger brought me an envelope containing my letter and the five-hundred-franc note, not a word more.
I don't need to explain how restless I was the next day. At nine-thirty, a messenger delivered an envelope with my letter and the five-hundred-franc note, nothing more.
“Who gave you this?” I asked the man.
“Who gave you this?” I asked the guy.
“A lady who was starting with her maid in the next mail for Boulogne, and who told me not to take it until the coach was out of the courtyard.”
“A woman who was leaving with her maid on the next coach to Boulogne told me not to board it until the coach had left the courtyard.”
I rushed to the Rue d’Antin.
I rushed to Rue d’Antin.
“Madame left for England at six o’clock,” said the porter.
“Madame left for England at six o’clock,” the porter said.
There was nothing to hold me in Paris any longer, neither hate nor love. I was exhausted by this series of shocks. One of my friends was setting out on a tour in the East. I told my father I should like to accompany him; my father gave me drafts and letters of introduction, and eight or ten days afterward I embarked at Marseilles.
There was nothing keeping me in Paris anymore, neither hate nor love. I was worn out from this series of shocks. One of my friends was heading on a trip to the East. I told my father I wanted to go with him; my father gave me some cash and letters of introduction, and about eight or ten days later, I set sail from Marseilles.
It was at Alexandria that I learned from an attaché at the embassy, whom I had sometimes seen at Marguerite’s, that the poor girl was seriously ill.
It was in Alexandria that I found out from an attaché at the embassy, whom I had occasionally seen at Marguerite’s, that the poor girl was seriously sick.
I then wrote her the letter which she answered in the way you know; I received it at Toulon.
I then wrote her a letter, and she replied in the way you know; I got it in Toulon.
I started at once, and you know the rest.
I started right away, and you know what happened next.
Now you have only to read a few sheets which Julie Duprat gave me; they are the best commentary on what I have just told you.
Now you just need to read a few pages that Julie Duprat gave me; they are the best explanation of what I've just told you.
Chapter XXV
Armand, tired by this long narrative, often interrupted by his tears, put his two hands over his forehead and closed his eyes to think, or to try to sleep, after giving me the pages written by the hand of Marguerite. A few minutes after, a more rapid breathing told me that Armand slept, but that light sleep which the least sound banishes.
Armand, exhausted by this lengthy story, often interrupted by his tears, placed his hands over his forehead and closed his eyes to think, or to try to sleep, after handing me the pages written by Marguerite. A few minutes later, his quicker breathing indicated that Armand was sleeping, but it was that light sleep that the slightest sound could disturb.
This is what I read; I copy it without adding or omitting a syllable:
This is what I read; I’m reproducing it exactly without adding or leaving out a single syllable:
To-day is the 15th December. I have been ill three or four days. This morning I stayed in bed. The weather is dark, I am sad; there is no one by me. I think of you, Armand. And you, where are you, while I write these lines? Far from Paris, far, far, they tell me, and perhaps you have already forgotten Marguerite. Well, be happy; I owe you the only happy moments in my life.
Today is December 15th. I've been sick for three or four days. This morning, I stayed in bed. The weather is gloomy, and I'm feeling down; there’s no one around me. I think about you, Armand. And you, where are you while I write this? Far from Paris, far away, they say, and maybe you’ve already forgotten Marguerite. Well, be happy; I owe you the only happy moments of my life.
I can not help wanting to explain all my conduct to you, and I have written you a letter; but, written by a girl like me, such a letter might seem to be a lie, unless death had sanctified it by its authority, and, instead of a letter, it were a confession.
I can't help but want to explain all my actions to you, and I've written you a letter; but, coming from a girl like me, such a letter might come across as a lie, unless death had made it serious with its authority, and instead of a letter, it were a confession.
To-day I am ill; I may die of this illness, for I have always had the presentiment that I shall die young. My mother died of consumption, and the way I have always lived could but increase the only heritage she ever left me. But I do not want to die without clearing up for you everything about me; that is, if, when you come back, you will still trouble yourself about the poor girl whom you loved before you went away.
Today I am sick; I might die from this illness because I've always had a feeling that I will die young. My mother died of tuberculosis, and my lifestyle has only made the one thing she ever passed down to me worse. But I don’t want to die without explaining everything about myself to you; that is, if, when you return, you will still care about the poor girl you loved before you left.
This is what the letter contained; I shall like writing it over again, so as to give myself another proof of my own justification.
This is what the letter said; I’d like to write it out again to give myself another proof of my own justification.
You remember, Armand, how the arrival of your father surprised us at Bougival; you remember the involuntary fright that his arrival caused me, and the scene which took place between you and him, which you told me of in the evening.
You remember, Armand, how your father's arrival caught us off guard at Bougival; you recall the unexpected shock his arrival gave me, and the incident that happened between the two of you, which you shared with me that evening.
Next day, when you were at Paris, waiting for your father, and he did not return, a man came to the door and handed in a letter from M. Duval.
Next day, when you were in Paris, waiting for your dad, and he didn't come back, a man showed up at the door and delivered a letter from M. Duval.
His letter, which I inclose with this, begged me, in the most serious terms, to keep you away on the following day, on some excuse or other, and to see your father, who wished to speak to me, and asked me particularly not to say anything to you about it.
His letter, which I’m including with this, seriously asked me to keep you away the next day, using some excuse, and to meet with your father, who wanted to talk to me and specifically requested that I not mention anything to you about it.
You know how I insisted on your returning to Paris next day.
You know how I insisted that you go back to Paris the next day.
You had only been gone an hour when your father presented himself. I won’t say what impression his severe face made upon me. Your father had the old theory that a courtesan is a being without heart or reason, a sort of machine for coining gold, always ready, like the machine, to bruise the hand that gives her everything, and to tear in pieces, without pity or discernment, those who set her in motion.
You had only been gone for an hour when your dad showed up. I won't say what kind of impression his stern face left on me. Your dad had that old belief that a courtesan is someone without feelings or reason, like a machine for making money, always ready, just like the machine, to hurt the hand that feeds her and to tear apart, without mercy or understanding, those who make her work.
Your father had written me a very polite letter, in order that I might consent to see him; he did not present himself quite as he had written. His manner at first was so stiff, insolent, and even threatening, that I had to make him understand that I was in my own house, and that I had no need to render him an account of my life, except because of the sincere affection which I had for his son.
Your father wrote me a very polite letter so I would agree to meet him; however, he didn’t act like what he had written. At first, his demeanor was so stiff, rude, and even aggressive that I had to make it clear that I was in my own home and I didn’t owe him any explanation about my life, except for the genuine affection I have for his son.
M. Duval calmed down a little, but still went on to say that he could not any longer allow his son to ruin himself over me; that I was beautiful, it was true, but, however beautiful I might be, I ought not to make use of my beauty to spoil the future of a young man by such expenditure as I was causing.
M. Duval settled down a bit, but he continued to say that he could no longer let his son ruin his life because of me; that I was beautiful, which was true, but no matter how beautiful I was, I shouldn’t use my looks to jeopardize a young man’s future with the kind of spending I was causing.
At that there was only one thing to do, to show him the proof that since I was your mistress I had spared no sacrifice to be faithful to you without asking for more money than you had to give me. I showed him the pawn tickets, the receipts of the people to whom I had sold what I could not pawn; I told him of my resolve to part with my furniture in order to pay my debts, and live with you without being a too heavy expense. I told him of our happiness, of how you had shown me the possibility of a quieter and happier life, and he ended by giving in to the evidence, offering me his hand, and asking pardon for the way in which he had at first approached me.
At that point, there was only one thing to do: to show him the proof that since I had been your mistress, I had made every sacrifice to stay loyal to you without asking for more money than you could give me. I showed him the pawn tickets and the receipts from the people to whom I had sold items I couldn't pawn. I explained my determination to sell my furniture to pay my debts and live with you without being too much of a financial burden. I shared our happiness and how you had opened my eyes to the possibility of a calmer, happier life. In the end, he relented, offered me his hand, and apologized for the way he had initially approached me.
Then he said to me:
Then he told me:
“So, madame, it is not by remonstrances or by threats, but by entreaties, that I must endeavour to obtain from you a greater sacrifice than you have yet made for my son.”
“So, ma'am, it's not through complaints or threats, but through pleas that I must try to get you to make a bigger sacrifice for my son than you have done so far.”
I trembled at this beginning.
I shook at this start.
Your father came over to me, took both my hands, and continued in an affectionate voice:
Your dad came up to me, took both my hands, and said in a warm voice:
“My child, do not take what I have to say to you amiss; only remember that there are sometimes in life cruel necessities for the heart, but that they must be submitted to. You are good, your soul has generosity unknown to many women who perhaps despise you, and are less worthy than you. But remember that there is not only the mistress, but the family; that besides love there are duties; that to the age of passion succeeds the age when man, if he is to be respected, must plant himself solidly in a serious position. My son has no fortune, and yet he is ready to abandon to you the legacy of his mother. If he accepted from you the sacrifice which you are on the point of making, his honour and dignity would require him to give you, in exchange for it, this income, which would always put you out of danger of adversity. But he can not accept this sacrifice, because the world, which does not know you, would give a wrong interpretation to this acceptance, and such an interpretation must not tarnish the name which we bear. No one would consider whether Armand loves you, whether you love him, whether this mutual love means happiness to him and redemption to you; they would see only one thing, that Armand Duval allowed a kept woman (forgive me, my child, for what I am forced to say to you) to sell all she had for him. Then the day of reproaches and regrets would arrive, be sure, for you or for others, and you would both bear a chain that you could not sever. What would you do then? Your youth would be lost, my son’s future destroyed; and I, his father, should receive from only one of my children the recompense that I look for from both.
“My child, please don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way; just remember that sometimes in life there are harsh realities we can't avoid, and we have to accept them. You are kind, and your soul has a generosity that many women who might look down on you lack, and they are less deserving than you. But keep in mind that there is not just love, but also family; beyond passion, there are responsibilities; and as passion fades, a man must establish himself in a serious role if he wants to be respected. My son doesn’t have wealth, yet he is willing to give you his mother’s legacy. If he were to accept the sacrifice you are about to make, his honor would demand that he offer you this income in exchange, which would protect you from hardship. But he can't accept this sacrifice because the world, which doesn't know you, would misinterpret this acceptance, and that misunderstanding could tarnish our name. No one would consider whether Armand loves you, whether you love him, or if this mutual love brings him happiness and redemption for you; they would only see that Armand Duval allowed a kept woman (forgive me, my child, for saying this) to sell everything she had for him. Then the day of blame and regret would certainly come, for you or for others, and both of you would be shackled to a bond you couldn’t break. What would you do then? Your youth would be wasted, my son’s future ruined; and I, his father, would receive the reward I seek from only one of my children instead of both.”
“You are young, beautiful, life will console you; you are noble, and the memory of a good deed will redeem you from many past deeds. During the six months that he has known you Armand has forgotten me. I wrote to him four times, and he has never once replied. I might have died and he not known it!
“You're young and beautiful, and life will comfort you; you're noble, and the memory of a good deed will save you from many past mistakes. In the six months he's known you, Armand has forgotten me. I wrote to him four times, and he never once replied. I could have died, and he wouldn't have known!”
“Whatever may be your resolution of living otherwise than as you have lived, Armand, who loves you, will never consent to the seclusion to which his modest fortune would condemn you, and to which your beauty does not entitle you. Who knows what he would do then! He has gambled, I know; without telling you of it, I know also, but, in a moment of madness, he might have lost part of what I have saved, during many years, for my daughter’s portion, for him, and for the repose of my old age. What might have happened may yet happen.
“Whatever your decision to live differently than you have, Armand, who loves you, will never agree to the isolation that his modest wealth would impose on you, which your beauty doesn't deserve. Who knows what he might do then! I know he has gambled; without mentioning it to you, I also know this, but in a moment of madness, he could have lost part of what I’ve saved for many years for my daughter's dowry, for him, and for the peace of my old age. What might have happened could still happen.”
“Are you sure, besides, that the life which you are giving up for him will never again come to attract you? Are you sure, you who have loved him, that you will never love another? Would you not suffer on seeing the hindrances set by your love to your lover’s life, hindrances for which you would be powerless to console him, if, with age, thoughts of ambition should succeed to dreams of love? Think over all that, madame. You love Armand; prove it to him by the sole means which remains to you of yet proving it to him, by sacrificing your love to his future. No misfortune has yet arrived, but one will arrive, and perhaps a greater one than those which I foresee. Armand might become jealous of a man who has loved you; he might provoke him, fight, be killed. Think, then, what you would suffer in the presence of a father who should call on you to render an account for the life of his son!
“Are you really sure that the life you're giving up for him won't end up attracting you again? Are you certain, you who have loved him, that you will never love anyone else? Wouldn't it hurt to see how your love holds back your lover’s life, and that there's nothing you could do to comfort him if, with time, ambitions take the place of love? Think about all of that, madame. You love Armand; show him by the only way left to truly demonstrate it—by sacrificing your love for his future. No misfortune has happened yet, but one will, and maybe an even bigger one than I can foresee. Armand might get jealous of a man who has loved you; he could provoke him, fight, and end up getting killed. Just imagine the pain you'd feel facing a father who would hold you accountable for his son’s life!”
“Finally, my dear child, let me tell you all, for I have not yet told you all, let me tell you what has brought me to Paris. I have a daughter, as I have told you, young, beautiful, pure as an angel. She loves, and she, too, has made this love the dream of her life. I wrote all that to Armand, but, absorbed in you, he made no reply. Well, my daughter is about to marry. She is to marry the man whom she loves; she enters an honourable family, which requires that mine has to be no less honourable. The family of the man who is to become my son-in-law has learned what manner of life Armand is leading in Paris, and has declared to me that the marriage must be broken off if Armand continues this life. The future of a child who has done nothing against you, and who has the right of looking forward to a happy future, is in your hands. Have you the right, have you the strength, to shatter it? In the name of your love and of your repentance, Marguerite, grant me the happiness of my child.”
“Finally, my dear child, let me share everything with you, since I haven't told you all yet. I have a daughter, as I've mentioned before—young, beautiful, and pure as an angel. She loves, and that love has become the dream of her life. I wrote all of this to Armand, but he was so focused on you that he didn’t respond. Well, my daughter is about to get married. She's going to marry the man she loves; she’s joining an honorable family, which means mine has to be just as honorable. The family of the man who will become my son-in-law has found out about the kind of life Armand is living in Paris and has told me that the marriage must be called off if Armand continues down this path. The future of a child who has done nothing wrong, and who has the right to hope for a happy life, is in your hands. Do you have the right, do you have the power, to ruin it? In the name of your love and your regret, Marguerite, please grant me the happiness of my child.”
I wept silently, my friend, at all these reflections which I had so often made, and which, in the mouth of your father, took a yet more serious reality. I said to myself all that your father dared not say to me, though it had come to his lips twenty times: that I was, after all, only a kept woman, and that whatever excuse I gave for our liaison, it would always look like calculation on my part; that my past life left me no right to dream of such a future, and that I was accepting responsibilities for which my habits and reputation were far from giving any guarantee. In short, I loved you, Armand.
I cried quietly, my friend, at all these thoughts I had often had, and which, coming from your father, felt even more serious. I told myself everything your father couldn’t bring himself to say, even though it had almost escaped his lips many times: that I was, after all, just a kept woman, and that no matter how I justified our relationship, it would always seem like I was being calculating; that my past didn’t give me the right to hope for such a future, and that I was taking on responsibilities that my habits and reputation didn’t support. In short, I loved you, Armand.
The paternal way in which M. Duval had spoken to me; the pure memories that he awakened in me; the respect of this old man, which I would gain; yours, which I was sure of gaining later on: all that called up in my heart thoughts which raised me in my own eyes with a sort of holy pride, unknown till then. When I thought that one day this old man, who was now imploring me for the future of his son, would bid his daughter mingle my name with her prayers, as the name of a mysterious friend, I seemed to become transformed, and I felt a pride in myself.
The fatherly way M. Duval talked to me, the pure memories he stirred in me, the respect from this old man that I would earn, and yours, which I was sure I would earn later: all of that filled my heart with thoughts that lifted me in my own eyes with a kind of holy pride I had never known before. When I thought about how one day this old man, who was now pleading with me for his son's future, would ask his daughter to include my name in her prayers as the name of a mysterious friend, I felt like I was transforming, and I took pride in myself.
The exaltation of the moment perhaps exaggerated the truth of these impressions, but that was what I felt, friend, and these new feelings silenced the memory of the happy days I had spent with you.
The excitement of the moment might have distorted the truth of these feelings, but that's how I felt, my friend, and these new emotions drowned out the memory of the happy times I shared with you.
“Tell me, sir,” I said to your father, wiping away my tears, “do you believe that I love your son?”
“Tell me, sir,” I said to your father, wiping away my tears, “do you think that I love your son?”
“Yes,” said M. Duval.
“Yes,” said Mr. Duval.
“With a disinterested love?”
"With a detached love?"
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
“Do you believe that I had made this love the hope, the dream, the forgiveness of my life?”
“Do you really think that I made this love the hope, the dream, the forgiveness of my life?”
“Implicitly.”
“Unspoken.”
“Well, sir, embrace me once, as you would embrace your daughter, and I swear to you that that kiss, the only chaste kiss I have ever had, will make me strong against my love, and that within a week your son will be once more at your side, perhaps unhappy for a time, but cured forever.”
“Well, sir, hug me once, just like you would hug your daughter, and I promise you that this kiss, the only pure kiss I’ve ever had, will give me strength against my love, and within a week your son will be back by your side, maybe unhappy for a bit, but healed for good.”
“You are a noble child,” replied your father, kissing me on the forehead, “and you are making an attempt for which God will reward you; but I greatly fear that you will have no influence upon my son.”
“You are a good kid,” your father said, kissing me on the forehead, “and you’re trying something that God will reward you for; but I really worry that you won’t have any influence on my son.”
“Oh, be at rest, sir; he will hate me.”
“Oh, take it easy, sir; he’s going to hate me.”
I had to set up between us, as much for me as for you, an insurmountable barrier.
I had to create an unbreakable barrier between us, as much for my sake as for yours.
I wrote to Prudence to say that I accepted the proposition of the Comte de N., and that she was to tell him that I would sup with her and him. I sealed the letter, and, without telling him what it contained, asked your father to have it forwarded to its address on reaching Paris.
I wrote to Prudence to let her know that I accepted the offer from the Comte de N., and that she should tell him I would have dinner with her and him. I sealed the letter and, without revealing its contents, asked your father to send it to the address once he got to Paris.
He inquired of me what it contained.
He asked me what it was about.
“Your son’s welfare,” I answered.
"Your son's well-being," I answered.
Your father embraced me once more. I felt two grateful tears on my forehead, like the baptism of my past faults, and at the moment when I consented to give myself up to another man I glowed with pride at the thought of what I was redeeming by this new fault.
Your father hugged me again. I felt two thankful tears on my forehead, like a cleansing of my past mistakes, and at the moment when I agreed to surrender myself to another man, I felt a rush of pride at the thought of what I was redeeming with this new choice.
It was quite natural, Armand. You told me that your father was the most honest man in the world.
It was totally understandable, Armand. You told me that your dad was the most honest guy in the world.
M. Duval returned to his carriage, and set out for Paris.
M. Duval got back into his carriage and headed off to Paris.
I was only a woman, and when I saw you again I could not help weeping, but I did not give way.
I was just a woman, and when I saw you again, I couldn't help crying, but I didn't let it show.
Did I do right? That is what I ask myself to-day, as I lie ill in my bed, that I shall never leave, perhaps, until I am dead.
Did I do the right thing? That's what I'm asking myself today as I lie sick in my bed, which I might never leave, possibly until I die.
You are witness of what I felt as the hour of our separation approached; your father was no longer there to support me, and there was a moment when I was on the point of confessing everything to you, so terrified was I at the idea that you were going to hate and despise me.
You saw what I felt as the time for our separation drew near; your dad wasn’t around to support me, and there was a moment when I almost revealed everything to you, so scared was I at the thought that you would come to hate and look down on me.
One thing which you will not believe, perhaps, Armand, is that I prayed God to give me strength; and what proves that he accepted my sacrifice is that he gave me the strength for which I prayed.
One thing you might not believe, Armand, is that I prayed to God to give me strength; and what shows that He accepted my sacrifice is that He granted me the strength I asked for.
At supper I still had need of aid, for I could not think of what I was going to do, so much did I fear that my courage would fail me. Who would ever have said that I, Marguerite Gautier, would have suffered so at the mere thought of a new lover? I drank for forgetfulness, and when I woke next day I was beside the count.
At dinner, I still needed help because I couldn't think about what I was going to do; I was so afraid that I would lose my nerve. Who would have guessed that I, Marguerite Gautier, would suffer so much just at the thought of a new boyfriend? I drank to forget, and when I woke up the next day, I was next to the count.
That is the whole truth, friend. Judge me and pardon me, as I have pardoned you for all the wrong that you have done me since that day.
That’s the whole truth, my friend. Judge me and forgive me, just like I’ve forgiven you for all the wrongs you’ve done to me since that day.
Chapter XXVI
What followed that fatal night you know as well as I; but what you can not know, what you can not suspect, is what I have suffered since our separation.
What happened after that fateful night is something you know just as well as I do; but what you can’t know, what you can’t even imagine, is what I have endured since we parted.
I heard that your father had taken you away with him, but I felt sure that you could not live away from me for long, and when I met you in the Champs-Elysées, I was a little upset, but by no means surprised.
I heard that your dad had taken you away with him, but I was pretty sure you couldn’t stay away from me for long. When I ran into you on the Champs-Elysées, I felt a bit upset, but definitely not surprised.
Then began that series of days; each of them brought me a fresh insult from you. I received them all with a kind of joy, for, besides proving to me that you still loved me, it seemed to me as if the more you persecuted me the more I should be raised in your eyes when you came to know the truth.
Then started that string of days; each one brought me a new insult from you. I accepted them all with a sort of joy because, besides showing me that you still cared for me, it felt like the more you tormented me, the more I would be elevated in your eyes when you learned the truth.
Do not wonder at my joy in martyrdom, Armand; your love for me had opened my heart to noble enthusiasm.
Do not be surprised by my happiness in sacrificing myself, Armand; your love for me has opened my heart to a higher passion.
Still, I was not so strong as that quite at once.
Still, I wasn’t that strong right away.
Between the time of the sacrifice made for you and the time of your return a long while elapsed, during which I was obliged to have recourse to physical means in order not to go mad, and in order to be blinded and deafened in the whirl of life into which I flung myself. Prudence has told you (has she not?) how I went to all the fêtes and balls and orgies. I had a sort of hope that I should kill myself by all these excesses, and I think it will not be long before this hope is realized. My health naturally got worse and worse, and when I sent Mme. Duvernoy to ask you for pity I was utterly worn out, body and soul.
Between the time of the sacrifice made for you and your return, a long time passed during which I had to turn to physical distractions to avoid going crazy and to drown out the chaos of life that I immersed myself in. Prudence has told you, right? About how I went to all the parties, balls, and wild gatherings. I had this strange hope that I would end up killing myself through all these excesses, and I don’t think it will be long before that hope becomes a reality. My health naturally deteriorated more and more, and by the time I sent Madame Duvernoy to ask for your compassion, I was completely exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
I will not remind you, Armand, of the return you made for the last proof of love that I gave you, and of the outrage by which you drove away a dying woman, who could not resist your voice when you asked her for a night of love, and who, like a fool, thought for one instant that she might again unite the past with the present. You had the right to do what you did, Armand; people have not always put so high a price on a night of mine!
I won't remind you, Armand, about the return you made for the last proof of love I showed you, or the hurtful way you pushed away a dying woman who couldn't resist your voice when you asked her for a night of love, and who, foolishly, thought for a moment that she might bridge the past with the present. You had the right to act as you did, Armand; people haven't always valued a night with me so highly!
I left everything after that. Olympe has taken my place with the Comte de N., and has told him, I hear, the reasons for my leaving him. The Comte de G. was at London. He is one of those men who give just enough importance to making love to women like me for it to be an agreeable pastime, and who are thus able to remain friends with women, not hating them because they have never been jealous of them, and he is, too, one of those grand seigneurs who open only a part of their hearts to us, but the whole of their purses. It was of him that I immediately thought. I joined him in London. He received me as kindly as possible, but he was the lover there of a woman in society, and he feared to compromise himself if he were seen with me. He introduced me to his friends, who gave a supper in my honour, after which one of them took me home with him.
I left everything behind after that. Olympe has taken my place with the Comte de N., and I’ve heard she told him the reasons for my leaving. The Comte de G. was in London. He’s the type of guy who finds just the right balance in flirting with women like me, making it an enjoyable pastime, which allows him to stay friends without any jealousy. He’s also one of those high-society types who only opens part of his heart to us but shows us all his wealth. He was the first person who came to mind. I joined him in London. He welcomed me as kindly as he could, but he was involved with a woman from high society and worried about compromising himself if he was seen with me. He introduced me to his friends, who threw a dinner in my honor, and afterward, one of them took me home.
What else was there for me to do, my friend? If I had killed myself it would have burdened your life, which ought to be happy, with a needless remorse; and then, what is the good of killing oneself when one is so near dying already?
What else could I do, my friend? If I had taken my own life, it would have weighed down your life, which should be joyful, with unnecessary guilt; and then, what’s the point of ending it all when I’m already so close to dying?
I became a body without a soul, a thing without a thought; I lived for some time in that automatic way; then I returned to Paris, and asked after you; I heard then that you were gone on a long voyage. There was nothing left to hold me to life. My existence became what it had been two years before I knew you. I tried to win back the duke, but I had offended him too deeply. Old men are not patient, no doubt because they realize that they are not eternal. I got weaker every day. I was pale and sad and thinner than ever. Men who buy love examine the goods before taking them. At Paris there were women in better health, and not so thin as I was; I was rather forgotten. That is all the past up to yesterday.
I became a body without a soul, a thing without a thought; I lived that way for a while; then I went back to Paris and asked about you. I found out that you had left on a long trip. There was nothing keeping me in this life. My existence became what it was before I met you, two years ago. I tried to win back the duke, but I had offended him too deeply. Older men aren’t patient, probably because they know they’re not eternal. I got weaker every day. I was pale, sad, and thinner than ever. Men who buy love check out the options before making a choice. In Paris, there were women who were in better shape and not as skinny as I was; I was pretty much forgotten. That’s everything that happened up to yesterday.
Now I am seriously ill. I have written to the duke to ask him for money, for I have none, and the creditors have returned, and come to me with their bills with pitiless perseverance. Will the duke answer? Why are you not in Paris, Armand? You would come and see me, and your visits would do me good.
Now I am seriously ill. I’ve written to the duke asking him for money because I don’t have any, and the creditors have come back, relentlessly bringing their bills to me. Will the duke respond? Why aren’t you in Paris, Armand? You would come and see me, and your visits would lift my spirits.
December 20.
December 20th.
The weather is horrible; it is snowing, and I am alone. I have been in such a fever for the last three days that I could not write you a word. No news, my friend; every day I hope vaguely for a letter from you, but it does not come, and no doubt it will never come. Only men are strong enough not to forgive. The duke has not answered.
The weather is terrible; it's snowing, and I'm all alone. I've been so sick for the last three days that I couldn't write you a word. No news, my friend; every day I vaguely hope for a letter from you, but it never arrives, and it probably never will. Only men are strong enough not to forgive. The duke hasn't replied.
Prudence is pawning my things again.
Prudence is selling my stuff again.
I have been spitting blood all the time. Oh, you would be sorry for me if you could see me. You are indeed happy to be under a warm sky, and not, like me, with a whole winter of ice on your chest. To-day I got up for a little while, and looked out through the curtains of my window, and watched the life of Paris passing below, the life with which I have now nothing more to do. I saw the faces of some people I knew, passing rapidly, joyous and careless. Not one lifted his eyes to my window. However, a few young men have come to inquire for me. Once before I was ill, and you, though you did not know me, though you had had nothing from me but an impertinence the day I met you first, you came to inquire after me every day. We spent six months together. I had all the love for you that a woman’s heart can hold and give, and you are far away, you are cursing me, and there is not a word of consolation from you. But it is only chance that has made you leave me, I am sure, for if you were at Paris, you would not leave my bedside.
I've been spitting blood constantly. Oh, you would feel sorry for me if you could see me. You’re lucky to be under a warm sky, not like me, with a whole winter of ice on my chest. Today I got up for a little while, looked out through the curtains of my window, and watched the life of Paris passing below, a life I’m no longer a part of. I saw the faces of some people I knew, moving quickly, happy and carefree. Not one of them looked up at my window. However, a few young men have come to check on me. Once before when I was sick, you—though you didn’t know me, and had only received an impertinence from me the day we first met—came to ask about me every day. We spent six months together. I had all the love a woman can hold and give for you, and now you are far away, cursing me, and there’s not a single word of comfort from you. But I know it’s just chance that has put distance between us; if you were in Paris, you wouldn’t leave my bedside.
December 25.
December 25th.
My doctor tells me I must not write every day. And indeed my memories only increase my fever, but yesterday I received a letter which did me good, more because of what it said than by the material help which it contained. I can write to you, then, to-day. This letter is from your father, and this is what it says:
My doctor says I shouldn’t write every day. And honestly, my memories just make my fever worse, but yesterday I got a letter that lifted my spirits, mostly because of its words rather than the practical help it offered. So, I can write to you today. This letter is from your father, and here’s what it says:
“MADAME: I have just learned that you are ill. If I were at Paris I would come and ask after you myself; if my son were here I would send him; but I can not leave C., and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues from here; permit me, then, simply to write to you, madame, to tell you how pained I am to hear of your illness, and believe in my sincere wishes for your speedy recovery.
“MADAME: I just found out that you are unwell. If I were in Paris, I would come and check on you myself; if my son were here, I would send him; but I can’t leave C., and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues away from here. So, please allow me to just write to you, madame, to express how sorry I am to hear about your illness, and trust that I sincerely wish for your quick recovery.”
“One of my good friends, M. H., will call on you; will you kindly receive him? I have intrusted him with a commission, the result of which I await impatiently.
"One of my good friends, M. H., will be reaching out to you; would you please be sure to welcome him? I've given him an important task, and I'm eagerly waiting to see the outcome."
“Believe me, madame,
"Trust me, ma'am,"
“Yours most faithfully.”
"Yours sincerely."
This is the letter he sent me. Your father has a noble heart; love him well, my friend, for there are few men so worthy of being loved. This paper signed by his name has done me more good than all the prescriptions of our great doctor.
This is the letter he sent me. Your father has a kind heart; cherish him, my friend, because there are few people as deserving of love. This paper signed by his name has helped me more than all the prescriptions from our great doctor.
This morning M. H. called. He seemed much embarrassed by the delicate mission which M. Duval had intrusted to him. As a matter of fact, he came to bring me three thousand francs from your father. I wanted to refuse at first, but M. H. told me that my refusal would annoy M. Duval, who had authorized him to give me this sum now, and later on whatever I might need. I accepted it, for, coming from your father, it could not be exactly taking alms. If I am dead when you come back, show your father what I have written for him, and tell him that in writing these lines the poor woman to whom he was kind enough to write so consoling a letter wept tears of gratitude and prayed God for him.
This morning, M. H. called. He seemed really uncomfortable with the sensitive task that M. Duval had assigned to him. Actually, he came to give me three thousand francs from your father. I was hesitant at first, but M. H. said that my refusal would upset M. Duval, who had authorized him to give me this money now, and whatever else I might need in the future. I accepted it because, coming from your father, it couldn't exactly be considered charity. If I’m gone when you return, show your father what I’ve written for him, and tell him that while writing these lines, the poor woman he was kind enough to write such a comforting letter to wept tears of gratitude and prayed for him.
January 4.
January 4th.
I have passed some terrible days. I never knew the body could suffer so. Oh, my past life! I pay double for it now.
I’ve gone through some awful days. I never realized the body could endure so much pain. Oh, my past life! I’m paying twice for it now.
There has been someone to watch by me every night; I can not breathe. What remains of my poor existence is shared between being delirious and coughing.
There’s been someone watching over me every night; I can’t breathe. What’s left of my miserable life is spent between being out of it and coughing.
The dining-room is full of sweets and all sorts of presents that my friends have brought. Some of them, I dare say, are hoping that I shall be their mistress later on. If they could see what sickness has made of me, they would go away in terror.
The dining room is filled with treats and all kinds of gifts that my friends have brought. Some of them, I imagine, are hoping that I'll become their girlfriend later on. If they could see how illness has changed me, they would run away in fear.
Prudence is giving her New Year’s presents with those I have received.
Prudence is sharing her New Year’s gifts along with the ones I've gotten.
There is a thaw, and the doctor says that I may go out in a few days if the fine weather continues.
There’s a thaw, and the doctor says I can go outside in a few days if the nice weather keeps up.
January 8.
January 8th.
I went out yesterday in my carriage. The weather was lovely. The Champs-Elysées was full of people. It was like the first smile of spring. Everything about me had a festal air. I never knew before that a ray of sunshine could contain so much joy, sweetness, and consolation.
I went out yesterday in my carriage. The weather was beautiful. The Champs-Elysées was crowded with people. It felt like the first smile of spring. Everything around me had a festive vibe. I never realized before that a ray of sunshine could bring so much joy, sweetness, and comfort.
I met almost all the people I knew, all happy, all absorbed in their pleasures. How many happy people don’t even know that they are happy! Olympe passed me in an elegant carriage that M. de N. has given her. She tried to insult me by her look. She little knows how far I am from such things now. A nice fellow, whom I have known for a long time, asked me if I would have supper with him and one of his friends, who, he said, was very anxious to make my acquaintance. I smiled sadly and gave him my hand, burning with fever. I never saw such an astonished countenance.
I ran into almost everyone I knew, all cheerful and caught up in their own enjoyment. How many happy people are completely unaware of their own happiness! Olympe passed by in a classy carriage that Mr. de N. gave her. She tried to look at me in a way that seemed insulting. Little does she know how far removed I am from all of that now. A good guy I've known for a while asked if I’d join him for dinner with a friend of his, someone who, he said, was really eager to meet me. I smiled sadly and shook his hand, which was hot with fever. I’d never seen such a shocked expression.
I came in at four, and had quite an appetite for my dinner. Going out has done me good. If I were only going to get well! How the sight of the life and happiness of others gives a desire of life to those who, only the night before, in the solitude of their soul and in the shadow of their sick-room, only wanted to die soon!
I got in at four, and I was really hungry for dinner. Going out has been good for me. If only I could get better! It's amazing how seeing the life and joy of others makes those who just the night before, in the loneliness of their own thoughts and the gloom of their sick room, only wanted to die, crave life instead!
January 10.
January 10th.
The hope of getting better was only a dream. I am back in bed again, covered with plasters which burn me. If I were to offer the body that people paid so dear for once, how much would they give, I wonder, to-day?
The hope of getting better was just a dream. I'm back in bed again, covered with bandages that sting. If I were to sell the body that people once paid so much for, I wonder how much they would offer today?
We must have done something very wicked before we were born, or else we must be going to be very happy indeed when we are dead, for God to let this life have all the tortures of expiation and all the sorrows of an ordeal.
We must have done something really awful before we were born, or we’re definitely going to be very happy when we die, for God to allow this life to be filled with all the pains of punishment and all the sorrows of a trial.
January 12.
January 12th.
I am always ill.
I'm always sick.
The Comte de N. sent me some money yesterday. I did not keep it. I won’t take anything from that man. It is through him that you are not here.
The Comte de N. sent me some money yesterday. I didn’t keep it. I won’t take anything from that guy. It’s because of him that you’re not here.
Oh, that good time at Bougival! Where is it now?
Oh, that great time at Bougival! Where is it now?
If I come out of this room alive I will make a pilgrimage to the house we lived in together, but I will never leave it until I am dead.
If I make it out of this room alive, I will take a trip to the house we lived in together, and I won't leave it until I die.
Who knows if I shall write to you to-morrow?
Who knows if I will write to you tomorrow?
January 25.
January 25th.
I have not slept for eleven nights. I am suffocated. I imagine every moment that I am going to die. The doctor has forbidden me to touch a pen. Julie Duprat, who is looking after me, lets me write these few lines to you. Will you not come back before I die? Is it all over between us forever? It seems to me as if I should get well if you came. What would be the good of getting well?
I haven't slept in eleven nights. I feel suffocated. I think about dying every moment. The doctor has banned me from touching a pen. Julie Duprat, who’s taking care of me, is letting me write these few lines to you. Will you not come back before I die? Is it all over between us forever? It feels to me like I could get better if you came. But what would be the point of getting better?
January 28.
January 28th.
This morning I was awakened by a great noise. Julie, who slept in my room, ran into the dining-room. I heard men’s voices, and hers protesting against them in vain. She came back crying.
This morning, I was woken up by a loud noise. Julie, who was sleeping in my room, ran into the dining room. I heard men’s voices, and hers protesting against them with no effect. She came back crying.
They had come to seize my things. I told her to let what they call justice have its way. The bailiff came into my room with his hat on. He opened the drawers, wrote down what he saw, and did not even seem to be aware that there was a dying woman in the bed that fortunately the charity of the law leaves me.
They had come to take my stuff. I told her to let what they call justice take its course. The bailiff entered my room wearing his hat. He opened the drawers, wrote down what he found, and didn't even seem to notice that there was a dying woman in the bed that, luckily, the mercy of the law allows me to have.
He said, indeed, before going, that I could appeal within nine days, but he left a man behind to keep watch. My God! what is to become of me? This scene has made me worse than I was before. Prudence wanted to go and ask your father’s friend for money, but I would not let her.
He said, before he left, that I could appeal within nine days, but he left a guy behind to keep an eye on me. My God! What is going to happen to me? This situation has made me worse than I was before. Prudence wanted to go and ask your dad’s friend for money, but I wouldn’t let her.
I received your letter this morning. I was in need of it. Will my answer reach you in time? Will you ever see me again? This is a happy day, and it has made me forget all the days I have passed for the last six weeks. I seem as if I am better, in spite of the feeling of sadness under the impression of which I replied to you.
I got your letter this morning. I really needed it. Will my response get to you in time? Will I ever see you again? Today is a good day, and it has made me forget all the days I've spent in the last six weeks. I feel like I’m doing better, even though there’s still a sadness that influenced my response to you.
After all, no one is unhappy always.
After all, no one is unhappy all the time.
When I think that it may happen to me not to die, for you to come back, for me to see the spring again, for you still to love me, and for us to begin over again our last year’s life!
When I think that I might not die, that you'd come back, that I'd see spring again, that you'd still love me, and that we could restart our life from last year!
Fool that I am! I can scarcely hold the pen with which I write to you of this wild dream of my heart.
Fool that I am! I can hardly hold the pen with which I'm writing to you about this wild dream of my heart.
Whatever happens, I loved you well, Armand, and I would have died long ago if I had not had the memory of your love to help me and a sort of vague hope of seeing you beside me again.
Whatever happens, I loved you deeply, Armand, and I would have died a long time ago if I hadn't held onto the memory of your love to support me and a faint hope of seeing you by my side again.
February 4.
February 4th.
The Comte de G. has returned. His mistress has been unfaithful to him. He is very sad; he was very fond of her. He came to tell me all about it. The poor fellow is in rather a bad way as to money; all the same, he has paid my bailiff and sent away the man.
The Comte de G. is back. His girlfriend cheated on him. He’s really upset; he cared a lot about her. He came to share everything with me. The poor guy is in a tough spot financially; even so, he paid my bailiff and sent the guy away.
I talked to him about you, and he promised to tell you about me. I forgot that I had been his mistress, and he tried to make me forget it, too. He is a good friend.
I talked to him about you, and he promised to tell you about me. I forgot that I had been his girlfriend, and he tried to make me forget it, too. He is a good friend.
The duke sent yesterday to inquire after me, and this morning he came to see me. I do not know how the old man still keeps alive. He remained with me three hours and did not say twenty words. Two big tears fell from his eyes when he saw how pale I was. The memory of his daughter’s death made him weep, no doubt. He will have seen her die twice. His back was bowed, his head bent toward the ground, his lips drooping, his eyes vacant. Age and sorrow weigh with a double weight on his worn-out body. He did not reproach me. It looked as if he rejoiced secretly to see the ravages that disease had made in me. He seemed proud of being still on his feet, while I, who am still young, was broken down by suffering.
The duke reached out yesterday to check on me, and this morning he came to visit. I don’t know how the old man is still alive. He stayed for three hours and barely spoke twenty words. Two big tears rolled down his cheeks when he saw how pale I looked. The memory of his daughter’s death must have brought him to tears. He must have witnessed her dying twice. His back was hunched, his head dropped toward the ground, his lips were sagging, and his eyes looked empty. Age and sorrow weigh heavily on his tired body. He didn’t blame me. It seemed he found some secret joy in seeing the toll that illness has taken on me. He appeared proud to still be standing, while I, still young, was worn down by pain.
The bad weather has returned. No one comes to see me. Julie watches by me as much as she can. Prudence, to whom I can no longer give as much as I used to, begins to make excuses for not coming.
The bad weather is back. Nobody comes to see me. Julie stays by me as much as she can. Prudence, whom I can no longer give as much to as I used to, starts making excuses for not coming.
Now that I am so near death, in spite of what the doctors tell me, for I have several, which proves that I am getting worse, I am almost sorry that I listened to your father; if I had known that I should only be taking a year of your future, I could not have resisted the longing to spend that year with you, and, at least, I should have died with a friend to hold my hand. It is true that if we had lived together this year, I should not have died so soon.
Now that I’m so close to death, despite what the doctors say—since I have several, which means I’m getting worse—I almost regret listening to your father. If I had known that I would only be taking a year of your future, I wouldn’t have been able to resist the desire to spend that year with you. At least then, I would have died with a friend to hold my hand. It’s true that if we had lived together this year, I wouldn’t have died so soon.
God’s will be done!
God's will be done!
February 5.
February 5th.
Oh, come, come, Armand! I suffer horribly; I am going to die, O God! I was so miserable yesterday that I wanted to spend the evening, which seemed as if it were going to be as long as the last, anywhere but at home. The duke came in the morning. It seems to me as if the sight of this old man, whom death has forgotten, makes me die faster.
Oh, come on, Armand! I'm in so much pain; I feel like I'm going to die, oh God! I was so miserable yesterday that I just wanted to spend the evening, which felt like it would stretch on forever, anywhere but at home. The duke came by in the morning. It feels like just seeing this old man, whom death has overlooked, makes me feel even closer to dying.
Despite the burning fever which devoured me, I made them dress me and take me to the Vaudeville. Julie put on some rouge for me, without which I should have looked like a corpse. I had the box where I gave you our first rendezvous. All the time I had my eyes fixed on the stall where you sat that day, though a sort of country fellow sat there, laughing loudly at all the foolish things that the actors said. I was half dead when they brought me home. I coughed and spat blood all the night. To-day I can not speak, I can scarcely move my arm. My God! My God! I am going to die! I have been expecting it, but I can not get used to the thought of suffering more than I suffer now, and if—
Despite the burning fever that consumed me, I had them help me get ready and take me to the Vaudeville. Julie applied some makeup for me, without which I would have looked like a ghost. I had the box where I had our first meeting. The whole time I kept my eyes fixed on the seat where you sat that day, even though a rustic guy was sitting there, laughing loudly at all the silly things the actors said. I felt half-dead when they brought me home. I coughed and spat blood all night. Today I can’t speak; I can barely move my arm. My God! My God! I’m going to die! I’ve been expecting it, but I can’t get used to the idea of suffering more than I do now, and if—
After this the few characters traced by Marguerite were indecipherable, and what followed was written by Julie Duprat.
After this, the few characters written by Marguerite were unreadable, and what came next was written by Julie Duprat.
February 18.
February 18th.
MONSIEUR ARMAND:
MR. ARMAND:
Since the day that Marguerite insisted on going to the theatre she has got worse and worse. She has completely lost her voice, and now the use of her limbs.
Since the day Marguerite insisted on going to the theater, she has gotten worse and worse. She has completely lost her voice, and now the use of her limbs.
What our poor friend suffers is impossible to say. I am not used to emotions of this kind, and I am in a state of constant fright.
What our unfortunate friend is going through is hard to describe. I'm not familiar with feelings like this, and I'm constantly on edge.
How I wish you were here! She is almost always delirious; but delirious or lucid, it is always your name that she pronounces, when she can speak a word.
How I wish you were here! She is almost always out of it; but whether she's out of it or clear-headed, it's always your name that she says when she can say a word.
The doctor tells me that she is not here for long. Since she got so ill the old duke has not returned. He told the doctor that the sight was too much for him.
The doctor tells me that she isn’t going to be here for long. Ever since she got so sick, the old duke hasn’t come back. He told the doctor that it was too much for him to handle.
Mme. Duvernoy is not behaving well. This woman, who thought she could get more money out of Marguerite, at whose expense she was living almost completely, has contracted liabilities which she can not meet, and seeing that her neighbour is no longer of use to her, she does not even come to see her. Everybody is abandoning her. M. de G., prosecuted for his debts, has had to return to London. On leaving, he sent us more money; he has done all he could, but they have returned to seize the things, and the creditors are only waiting for her to die in order to sell everything.
Mme. Duvernoy is not acting appropriately. This woman, who thought she could squeeze more money out of Marguerite, at whose expense she was living almost entirely, has made financial commitments she can't fulfill, and now that her neighbor is no longer useful to her, she doesn't even bother to visit. Everyone is abandoning her. M. de G., who is being pursued for his debts, has had to go back to London. Before he left, he sent us more money; he has tried his best, but they've returned to take everything, and the creditors are just waiting for her to die so they can sell off everything.
I wanted to use my last resources to put a stop to it, but the bailiff told me it was no use, and that there are other seizures to follow. Since she must die, it is better to let everything go than to save it for her family, whom she has never cared to see, and who have never cared for her. You can not conceive in the midst of what gilded misery the poor thing is dying. Yesterday we had absolutely no money. Plate, jewels, shawls, everything is in pawn; the rest is sold or seized. Marguerite is still conscious of what goes on around her, and she suffers in body, mind, and heart. Big tears trickle down her cheeks, so thin and pale that you would never recognise the face of her whom you loved so much, if you could see her. She has made me promise to write to you when she can no longer write, and I write before her. She turns her eyes toward me, but she no longer sees me; her eyes are already veiled by the coming of death; yet she smiles, and all her thoughts, all her soul are yours, I am sure.
I wanted to use my last resources to put a stop to it, but the bailiff told me it was no use, and that there are more seizures to come. Since she’s going to die, it’s better to let everything go than to save it for her family, who she has never cared to see, and who have never cared for her. You can’t imagine the kind of gilded misery the poor thing is dying in. Yesterday, we had absolutely no money. All the plates, jewelry, shawls—everything is in pawn; the rest is sold or taken. Marguerite is still aware of what’s happening around her, and she suffers in body, mind, and heart. Big tears roll down her cheeks, so thin and pale that you wouldn’t recognize the face of the woman you loved so much, if you could see her. She made me promise to write to you when she can no longer write, and I’m writing this in front of her. She turns her eyes toward me, but she doesn’t see me anymore; her eyes are already clouded by the approach of death; yet she smiles, and all her thoughts, all her soul are yours, I’m sure.
Every time the door opens her eyes brighten, and she thinks you are going to come in; then, when she sees that it is not you, her face resumes its sorrowful expression, a cold sweat breaks out over it, and her cheek-bones flush.
Every time the door opens, her eyes light up, and she thinks you’re about to come in; then, when she sees it’s not you, her face falls back into its sad expression, a cold sweat breaks out on her skin, and her cheekbones turn red.
February 19, midnight.
February 19, 12 AM.
What a sad day we have had to-day, poor M. Armand! This morning Marguerite was stifling; the doctor bled her, and her voice has returned to her a while. The doctor begged her to see a priest. She said “Yes,” and he went himself to fetch an abbe’ from Saint Roch.
What a sad day we've had today, poor M. Armand! This morning, Marguerite was struggling; the doctor bled her, and her voice came back for a little while. The doctor urged her to see a priest. She said “Yes,” and he went himself to get an abbot from Saint Roch.
Meanwhile Marguerite called me up to her bed, asked me to open a cupboard, and pointed out a cap and a long chemise covered with lace, and said in a feeble voice:
Meanwhile, Marguerite beckoned me to her bed, asked me to open a cupboard, and pointed to a cap and a long lace-covered nightgown, saying in a weak voice:
“I shall die as soon as I have confessed. Then you will dress me in these things; it is the whim of a dying woman.”
“I’ll die as soon as I’ve confessed. Then you can dress me in these things; it’s the request of a dying woman.”
Then she embraced me with tears and added:
Then she hugged me, tears streaming down her face, and said:
“I can speak, but I am stifled when I speak; I am stifling. Air!”
“I can talk, but I feel blocked when I do; I’m suffocating. I need air!”
I burst into tears, opened the window, and a few minutes afterward the priest entered. I went up to him; when he knew where he was, he seemed afraid of being badly received.
I started crying, opened the window, and a few minutes later the priest came in. I walked up to him; when he realized where he was, he looked worried about being greeted poorly.
“Come in boldly, father,” I said to him.
“Come in confidently, Dad,” I said to him.
He stayed a very short time in the room, and when he came out he said to me:
He was in the room for only a brief moment, and when he came out, he said to me:
“She lived a sinner, and she will die a Christian.”
“She lived as a sinner, and she will die a Christian.”
A few minutes afterward he returned with a choir boy bearing a crucifix, and a sacristan who went before them ringing the bell to announce that God was coming to the dying one.
A few minutes later, he came back with a choir boy carrying a crucifix, and a sacristan who walked ahead of them ringing a bell to signal that God was coming to the dying person.
They went all three into the bed-room where so many strange words have been said, but was now a sort of holy tabernacle.
They all three went into the bedroom where so many strange words had been spoken, but it now felt like a sort of sacred space.
I fell on my knees. I do not know how long the impression of what I saw will last, but I do not think that, till my turn comes, any human thing can make so deep an impression on me.
I dropped to my knees. I don't know how long the memory of what I saw will stay with me, but I doubt that anything human will make such a deep impression on me until my time comes.
The priest anointed with holy oil the feet and hands and forehead of the dying woman, repeated a short prayer, and Marguerite was ready to set out for the heaven to which I doubt not she will go, if God has seen the ordeal of her life and the sanctity of her death.
The priest anointed the dying woman's feet, hands, and forehead with holy oil, said a short prayer, and Marguerite was prepared to embark on her journey to heaven, where I'm sure she will go if God has witnessed her life's struggles and the holiness of her death.
Since then she has not said a word or made a movement. Twenty times I should have thought her dead if I had not heard her breathing painfully.
Since then, she hasn't said a word or made a move. Twenty times I would have thought she was dead if I hadn't heard her breathing heavily.
February 20, 5 P.M.
February 20, 5 PM
All is over.
It's all over.
Marguerite fell into her last agony at about two o’clock. Never did a martyr suffer such torture, to judge by the cries she uttered. Two or three times she sat upright in the bed, as if she would hold on to her life, which was escaping toward God.
Marguerite fell into her final agony around two o’clock. Never has a martyr felt such pain, judging by the cries she let out. Two or three times, she sat up in bed, as if trying to cling to her life, which was slipping away toward God.
Two or three times also she said your name; then all was silent, and she fell back on the bed exhausted. Silent tears flowed from her eyes, and she was dead.
Two or three times she also said your name; then everything went quiet, and she collapsed on the bed, exhausted. Silent tears streamed down her face, and she was gone.
Then I went up to her; I called her, and as she did not answer I closed her eyes and kissed her on the forehead.
Then I went up to her; I called her, and since she didn’t respond, I closed her eyes and kissed her on the forehead.
Poor, dear Marguerite, I wish I were a holy woman that my kiss might recommend you to God.
Poor, dear Marguerite, I wish I were a saint so my kiss could bring you closer to God.
Then I dressed her as she had asked me to do. I went to find a priest at Saint Roch, I burned two candles for her, and I prayed in the church for an hour.
Then I got her ready as she had asked me to. I went to look for a priest at Saint Roch, I lit two candles for her, and I prayed in the church for an hour.
I gave the money she left to the poor.
I donated the money she left to those in need.
I do not know much about religion, but I think that God will know that my tears were genuine, my prayers fervent, my alms-giving sincere, and that he will have pity on her who, dying young and beautiful, has only had me to close her eyes and put her in her shroud.
I don’t know a lot about religion, but I believe that God will see that my tears were real, my prayers heartfelt, my charity sincere, and that He will have mercy on her who, dying young and beautiful, had only me to close her eyes and lay her in her shroud.
February 22.
February 22nd.
The burial took place to-day. Many of Marguerite’s friends came to the church. Some of them wept with sincerity. When the funeral started on the way to Montmartre only two men followed it: the Comte de G., who came from London on purpose, and the duke, who was supported by two footmen.
The burial happened today. Many of Marguerite's friends showed up at the church. Some of them cried genuinely. When the funeral procession started toward Montmartre, only two men followed: the Comte de G., who came all the way from London for this, and the duke, who was assisted by two footmen.
I write you these details from her house, in the midst of my tears and under the lamp which burns sadly beside a dinner which I can not touch, as you can imagine, but which Nanine has got for me, for I have eaten nothing for twenty-four hours.
I’m writing you these details from her house, surrounded by my tears and under the dim light of a lamp that casts a sad glow beside a meal I can’t even touch, as you can imagine. Nanine prepared it for me because I haven’t eaten anything for twenty-four hours.
My life can not retain these sad impressions for long, for my life is not my own any more than Marguerite’s was hers; that is why I give you all these details on the very spot where they occurred, in the fear, if a long time elapsed between them and your return, that I might not be able to give them to you with all their melancholy exactitude.
My life can't hold onto these sad memories for long, because my life isn't mine any more than Marguerite's was hers; that’s why I’m sharing all these details right where they happened, worried that if too much time passes before your return, I might not be able to convey them to you with all their sad accuracy.
Chapter XXVII
“You have read it?” said Armand, when I had finished the manuscript.
“You read it?” Armand asked after I finished the manuscript.
“I understand what you must have suffered, my friend, if all that I read is true.”
“I get what you must have gone through, my friend, if everything I read is true.”
“My father confirmed it in a letter.”
“My dad confirmed it in a letter.”
We talked for some time over the sad destiny which had been accomplished, and I went home to rest a little.
We talked for a while about the sad fate that had unfolded, and I went home to relax for a bit.
Armand, still sad, but a little relieved by the narration of his story, soon recovered, and we went together to pay a visit to Prudence and to Julie Duprat.
Armand, still feeling down but somewhat comforted by the telling of his story, soon felt better, and we went together to visit Prudence and Julie Duprat.
Prudence had become bankrupt. She told us that Marguerite was the cause of it; that during her illness she had lent her a lot of money in the form of promissory notes, which she could not pay, Marguerite having died without having returned her the money, and without having given her a receipt with which she could present herself as a creditor.
Prudence had gone bankrupt. She told us that Marguerite was to blame; that during her illness, she lent her a lot of money in promissory notes, which she couldn’t pay back because Marguerite died without returning the money and without giving her a receipt to prove she was a creditor.
By the help of this fable, which Mme. Duvernoy repeated everywhere in order to account for her money difficulties, she extracted a note for a thousand francs from Armand, who did not believe it, but who pretended to, out of respect for all those in whose company Marguerite had lived.
With the help of this fable, which Madame Duvernoy shared everywhere to explain her financial troubles, she managed to get a thousand franc note from Armand. He didn’t really believe her, but he went along with it out of respect for everyone Marguerite had been around.
Then we called on Julie Duprat, who told us the sad incident which she had witnessed, shedding real tears at the remembrance of her friend.
Then we visited Julie Duprat, who shared the sad incident she had witnessed, shedding real tears as she remembered her friend.
Lastly, we went to Marguerite’s grave, on which the first rays of the April sun were bringing the first leaves into bud.
Lastly, we visited Marguerite's grave, where the first rays of the April sun were causing the first leaves to bud.
One duty remained to Armand—to return to his father. He wished me to accompany him.
One duty remained for Armand—to return to his father. He wanted me to go with him.
We arrived at C., where I saw M. Duval, such as I had imagined him from the portrait his son had made of him, tall, dignified, kindly.
We arrived at C., where I saw M. Duval, just as I had pictured him from the portrait his son had made of him—tall, dignified, and kind.
He welcomed Armand with tears of joy, and clasped my hand affectionately. I was not long in seeing that the paternal sentiment was that which dominated all others in his mind.
He welcomed Armand with tears of joy and clasped my hand warmly. It didn't take me long to realize that the feeling of being a father was the strongest emotion he had in his mind.
His daughter, named Blanche, had that transparence of eyes, that serenity of the mouth, which indicates a soul that conceives only holy thoughts and lips that repeat only pious words. She welcomed her brother’s return with smiles, not knowing, in the purity of her youth, that far away a courtesan had sacrificed her own happiness at the mere invocation of her name.
His daughter, Blanche, had a clarity in her eyes and a calmness in her smile that suggested a soul filled with pure thoughts and lips that spoke only kind words. She greeted her brother's return with smiles, unaware, in her youthful innocence, that far away, a courtesan had given up her own happiness just at the mention of her name.
I remained for some time in their happy family, full of indulgent care for one who brought them the convalescence of his heart.
I stayed for a while with their happy family, who were incredibly supportive of someone who brought them a renewed sense of joy.
I returned to Paris, where I wrote this story just as it had been told me. It has only one merit, which will perhaps be denied it; that is, that it is true.
I came back to Paris, where I wrote this story exactly how it was told to me. It has just one quality, which might be contested; that is, that it is true.
I do not draw from this story the conclusion that all women like Marguerite are capable of doing all that she did—far from it; but I have discovered that one of them experienced a serious love in the course of her life, that she suffered for it, and that she died of it. I have told the reader all that I learned. It was my duty.
I don't conclude from this story that all women like Marguerite can do everything she did—far from it; but I've realized that one of them experienced a deep love during her life, that she suffered because of it, and that it ultimately led to her death. I've shared everything I learned with the reader. It was my responsibility.
I am not the apostle of vice, but I would gladly be the echo of noble sorrow wherever I bear its voice in prayer.
I’m not the promoter of wrongdoing, but I would happily express noble sorrow wherever I can share its message in prayer.
The story of Marguerite is an exception, I repeat; had it not been an exception, it would not have been worth the trouble of writing it.
The story of Marguerite is an exception, I’ll say it again; if it weren’t an exception, it wouldn’t have been worth the effort to write it.
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