The
FOOLISH
DICTIONARY

ABSINTHE From two Latin words, ad and sinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If you're unsure, give one a try. (Old saying, "Absinthe makes the hangover last longer.")

ABSTINENCE

From the Persian ab, meaning water, and stein, meaning tankard. So, it's water-tankard, or "water wagon."

ACCESSION A beheading process where you can either gain or lose a political position. Old spelling, Axe-session.

ACCIDENT A situation where staying calm is good, but not being there is better.

ADAMANT From "Adam's Aunt," known for being a tough character. Therefore, anything tough or unyielding.

ADORE From add, annex, and ore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiresses adore them.

ADVICE A product sold by your lawyer and shared freely by your mother-in-law, but impossible to get rid of yourself. Known as the one thing that it's "More blessed to give than to receive." GOOD ADVICE Something older men offer younger men when they can no longer set a poor example for them.

ADVERSITY An endless lake, surrounded by myopic friends.

AFFINITY A positive term for your husband or wife. Sometimes used as a synonym for "Your end."

AFTERTHOUGHT A late realization of common sense that makes someone try to keep quiet about the time they messed up.

AGE Something to show off in your wine cellar and ignore in a birthday book. The pride of a vintage wine, the worry of an old maid.

ALCOHOL A liquid that can preserve almost everything except secrets.

COUNCIL MEMBER

A political office referred to as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng. all, and Greek derma, meaning skin—"all skin."

ALIMONY An expensive comfort payment, ordered by the judge for a divorcee's broken heart. (Old spelling, allay money).

ALLOPATHY From Eng. all, everyone, and Grk. pathos, pain. Pain for everyone. HOMŒOPATHY From Grk. homoios, same, and pathos. Pain, exactly the same.

ALPHABET A toy for kids found in books, blocks, pictures, and noodle soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.

ANCESTORS The creators of the Family Tree, a fascinating gender paradox where the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.

ANGEL A celestial being, with wings and a harp; or, a worldly person, with wealth and a heart.

ANTI-ROOMS A polite way to refer to Canfield's in New York City.

ANTI-IMPERIALIST A patriot whose conscience is always active.

ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now widely used in various fields—especially in poker.

APPENDICITIS A contemporary pain, costing about $200 more than the traditional stomachache.

ARGUMENT Breaking into the ear, attacking the brain, and disrupting the peace.

ARSON From Hebrew. (See INSURANCE ).

ARTIST Typically, a person with long hair and a short suit, who maintains a confident stance but has an unpredictable income. Often struggling to afford meals but skilled in their craft and aware of the price of cheap sandwiches. An artist could be a barber, a shoeshiner, a musician, or a pianist.

SPORTS PLAYER

A strong group of muscles, unable to chop wood or sift through the ashes.

AUGUR Someone who used to bore people in ancient times with predictions.

CAR

From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle that should move, but often can't.

AUTOMOBILIST A land lover on wheels styled to look like a deep-sea diver.

BABY

From Grk. babai, wonderful. Parents haven't been found who don't think theirs is a "wonder."

A night creature that everyone in a sleeper car is keen to avoid.

BACHELOR From Latin baculus, meaning a stick, unattached. Therefore, an unattached man whom any woman can stick to, cling to, or get attached to.

BACKBITER A mosquito.

BALANCE Something that bookkeepers desire and often lose by drinkers. It can be found in a cash book or the way a kangaroo hops.

BANDIT An outlaw. See ALDERMAN.

BARBER A great conversationalist who sometimes shaves and cuts hair. Synonym for Phonograph.

BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts, and music. (The ones found in courts and in music are full of beats).

DEAL

A disease that affects women, picked up in the Sunday papers and amplified in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms include loud talking, pushing, and shoving, resembling a mix of a prize fight and a football scrimmage. (Old spelling Bark-gain).

BASEBALL A game where a young man who boldly goes after his own path gets no recognition for it.

BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never seen without the rest of the team, since it takes several highballs to make one short bat.

BEACH A stretch of sand lined with water; filled with attractive people in summer, lifesavers in winter, and serving as a refuge—or paradise—for Smacks throughout the year.

BENEDICT A husband.

BENEDICTINE A married woman.

BENEDICTION Their kids.

BERTH A sleep aid, created by Pullman. Lower is preferred.

BIRTH An assistance to life, found by Woman. More highly valued.

BICYCLE-SKIRT An abbreviated garment that makes women appear shorter and men appear taller.

BIGAMY A type of madness where a man insists on covering three rent payments instead of just two.

BILLIOUSNESS A liver issue frequently confused with being excessively pious.

BILL-OF-FARE A list of food items. Different from the Menu by the numbers in the right-hand column.

BIOGRAPH A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with shakes.

BIRDIE A term that a woman is likely to use for a man she is trying to impress.

BIRTHDAY A celebration of the anniversary of one's birth. Celebrated only by men and children.

BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a living baby.

BLUE The only color we can truly feel. INVISIBLE BLUE A police officer.

BLUSH A temporary reddening and warmth of the face, caused by the sensitivity of the senses when feeling off balance, due to shame, anger, or another reason, resulting in a weakness of the tiny muscles in the facial blood vessels, which lose their elasticity and become filled with a glow that comes from a frightened heart.

BOARD A tool for administering physical discipline, used by mothers and landladies. "The Festive Board" can be a sign, a hairbrush, a fish-and-chips breakfast, or a stewed prune dinner.

BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A place filled with canned milk and distilled honey, free from consistency, convention, conscience, or cash. A place where many are invited, but only a few are picked.

BONE One Dollar—the original price of a wife. Remember, Adam had to give up one bone before he got Eve.

BONNETS A female head issue that develops in the later part of Lent and appears on Easter.

BOODLE Money, raised by poor but dishonest parents, was taken in by the Graft family.

BORROW v. t., to trade empty talk for actual money.

BOWER A cool hangout spot, generally.

BOWERY A cool getaway in New York.

BRACE Security for the pants.

BRACER Stomach security.

BRACELET Security for the pawnbroker.

BRAIN The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, called the Cranium, is managed by the Sarah Sisters—Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum, with help from Medulla Oblongata. All three are anxious but always stay in their cells. The Brain is designed in gray and white, furnished with heating and cooling, hot or cold water (if needed), and has regular connections to the outside world through the Spinal Circuit. It's usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.—Thoughts and Ideas—as an Intelligence Office, but it’s sometimes rented out to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

BRAND Something worn on the hip, whether by an animal or a person. It can be found on the outside of a short, red cow, or the inside of a long, black bottle.

BRASS BAND A smart but somewhat complex way to keep a crowd unified.

BRICK A commendable person made of high-quality material and having a lot of grit. What your friends call you before you face tough times—but never afterward.

BRIMSTONE A touch of Hades, which discovers its equal on earth and has a scent that reaches heaven. It’s better to face it here than in the afterlife.

BREVITY A great quality for a Fourth of July speech, but not for the fireworks.

BROKE A term describing the final state of someone who is overly focused on taking risks with their money.

BUM A fallen tough guy.

BUMP A rough fall.

BUNCO The skill of sharing information in rural areas.

BY-STANDER Someone who gets hurt in a street fight.

CAB ride for a drive.

CABBY Ride-hailing driver.

CACHINNATION

The crazy "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.

CADDIE A young boy hired for a fair wage to recover lost balls for others while searching for his own.

CAFE A place where people pay the owner to give tips to the servers for something to eat.

CAJOLE v. t., From Greek kalos, meaning beautiful, and English jolly, to charm or persuade in a pleasant way.

CALCIUM A down-to-earth light that shines even brighter than the stars.

CANNIBAL A lazy drifter who never holds a job, but survives by relying on others.

CAPTIVATE From Latin caput, meaning head, and English vacate, or empty— to empty the head. Note, women who have captivated men.

CAPE A coastal neck.

CAPER A foot lifted up.

Carnegie Syndrome

A craze for wasting money. Started in a Pennsylvania blast furnace, grew in a Scottish castle, and is now widespread in American public libraries.

CART v. t., To remove.

CARTOON The launch.

CAULIFLOWER A cabbage that's got a degree.

CAVALRY That branch of the military that takes part in actual combat operations.

CEMETERY The one place where rich and poor, workers and leaders are all equal in death.

CHAMPAGNE The thing that makes the world spin.

CHAIR Four-legged support for the injured.

CHARITY Generous help for the needy.

CHAUFFEUR A guy who knows how to drive a car, but is smart enough not to own one.

CHRISTIAN A person who belongs to any traditional church.

CHRISTMAS A widely celebrated holiday where people care more about the present than the past or the future.

CHUMP Anyone whose opinion is completely different from ours.

CIGARETTE A plant whose smoke, some say, should never be breathed in, and even more argue should never be breathed out.

CINDER One of the first things that stands out when you travel.

CIVILIZATION A progressive development or trend that has allowed humanity to evolve the college cheer from what was once just a weak war cry.

COLLECTOR A guy that not many want to meet, but a lot of people request to see again.

COLLEGE From Fr. colle, meaning stuck or attached, and etude, meaning study. A place where everyone is focused on studying. (?)

COLONEL

A man from Kentucky.

See KERNEL.

COMPLIMENT v. t., From Eng. con,—hot air, and Lat. pleo, to fill. Therefore, to fill with hot air.

COMPLEXION The color of the face. From English complex, meaning difficult, and shun, meaning to avoid. To avoid the hassle, just buy it from the drugstore.

COMMENDATION From Eng. con, a joke, and mend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up joke.

CONDUCTOR From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco, to lead. One who leads the coin.

CONSCIENCE The fear of getting caught.

COOK A charity that offers food and shelter for police officers.

CORPS A large group of fighters. (Distinction between cores found in apples and corps found in arms).

CORSET From Fr. corps, meaning shape, and sec, meaning rough. Rough on the shape.

COSMETIC A new way to enhance your appearance. From Greek kosmos, meaning order, and English medic, or doctor—prescribed by the doctor. (See Complexion.)

Single person nap.

COTILLON An eight-person dance.

CREDIT Free stuff.

CREDITOR Something from nothing.

CREDULITY A quality admired in women and looked down upon in men.

CREMATION A method of handling the deceased that is likely to gain popularity, particularly among women who appreciate having the final word.

CRITIC A downer that dampens everything around it.

CROOK Someone who speeds on Law & Order Ave. A Misfit on the Straight and Narrow Path.

CROW A bird that only caws when it's upset.

CULTURE A level of mental growth that creates customized women, stylishly trimmed poodles, and horses with docked tails.

CUPID A shooter of love arrows.

CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals.

CYNIC A person who knows the cost of everything but understands the value of nothing.

DABBLE v. t., To splash around in water.

INVEST IN STOCKS—Same thing.

DACHSHUND A lowrider dog.

DANCE A lively physical activity, created by St. Vitus.

DATES A fruit often picked from the Family Tree and laid out on the pages of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are frequently linked).

DEAD No longer alive. See Boston.

DEAD Pompeii.

DEADEST Philly.

DEADBEAT Someone who lives off others without contributing.

DEBT A significant word starting with Owe, which becomes even larger the more it accumulates.

DE-LIGHTED

An Oyster Bay localism, coming from delight.

DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to relax, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled slacker.

DEMAGOGUE From Greek demos, meaning people, and English gag. Someone who silences or manipulates the people.

DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bordered to the east by Richard Olney, to the west by Willie Bryan, to the north by Dave Hill, and to the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.

DEN A hollow space.

DENT To hit.

DENTIST Someone who works on teeth and treats cavities.

DEUCE An honest card, actually the only one that is never known to beat a tray.

DEVIL

An old trickster mentioned in the Bible is now said to be engaged to Mary McLane.

DIAMOND A shiny gem whose sparkle can sometimes blind a woman to the flaws of the man offering it.

DIARY A genuine autobiography. A nice memento, but a poor choice for a gift.

DIGNITY A narrow, shaky foundation that people with fragile minds try to rely on when they have no other support.

DICKENS An author; a polite way to refer to the devil.

DIE A consequence.

DIET Often a cause.

DIMPLE A small curve in the soft swirl of a beautiful woman's smile.

DIPLOMAT An international deceiver, with a flexible sense of right and wrong and a tendency to turn a blind eye.

DISCOUNT Something that is frequently offered instead of products.

DISCRETION An instinctive ability that lets us say, "Oh, be quiet!" to the small, weak guy, and "I’m sorry, but I don’t fully agree with your opinions," to the big, strong one.

DIVE A gambler's getaway.

DIVIDENDS A gamer's reward.

DIVORCE In name, it's the separation of husband and wife from the ties of marriage. Near Newport, it often serves as a legal term that comes right before a trendy wedding.

DOCK A spot for docking.

DOCTOR Someone who puts you down.

DREAM What a guy might call a girl, even if a pill hinted at it. Sweethearts are dreams because they rarely become reality; wives, because they’re often a nightmare, and both because they go against expectations.

DRAFT (DRAUGHT) What chills you, heals you, and covers the doctor's fees.

DROP-STITCH A type of women's hosiery intended to keep men from focusing too much on the open-work, "peek-a-boo" blouse.

DRUM Something loud, designed to be hit.

DRUMMER Something loud, but impossible to ignore. From the Grk. drimus, meaning sharp. Therefore, something sharp that always makes its mark and hits whoever it can.

DUST Dry mud.

DYNAMITE

The conclusion of an anarchist's argument.

DYSPEPSIA A solid basis for a bad mood.

EAGLE The national bird of a Christian country (the United States). It was likely chosen because it's a bird of prey.

EARL A noble title.

EARLY A term for foolishness. See old saying,

"Going to bed early and waking up early,
Makes a man a farmer!"

Earth

A hard substance, highly sought after by those who get seasick.

ECHO The only thing that can deny a woman the last word.

ECONOMY Holding back on what we need today just to afford a luxury tomorrow.

Egg

A wholesome, yet disgusting, product that's useless until it's broken. Sometimes a remedy for upset stomachs or poor performances.

ELECTION

A regular picnic for the American People. Set up in booths, where the Voter casts their ballot, and The Machine chooses whatever it wants. A day when even the least fortunate can make their mark and even beggars can join in; when the Glad Mit becomes carefree and everything is packed—especially the lodging houses.

ENCORE A greedy theater-goer's wish to get more than what they paid for. From the Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig — common among pigs.

ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the refreshing calm that comes before the real conflicts.

ENTHUSIAST Someone who talks about their beliefs four times more than they actually believe and believes four times more than a rational person should.

EPITAPH A statement that typically appears above the person who is buried below.

EQUATOR

An imaginary line around the earth. Recently owned by J.P. Morgan.

ERR To mess up.

ERRATIC Error-prone.

ETHER One of the world's three great composers—the others being Gas and Chloroform—whose melodies are beloved by those in pain.

ETIQUETTE A convenient set of rules that turns lying into a virtue and snobbery into an admirable action.

EVOLUTION A smart move by Darwin, who turned Adam into a monkey.

EXCURSION From ex. former, and Grk. kairo, to enjoy. Hence, a tiring trip—once a pleasure—now offered at half price.

EXERCISE Physical activity that demands a $10,000 gym, a ten-acre field, and impractical clothing. Once limited to chores like laundry and chopping wood.

EXPANSION A mix of Grand Theft and Pirates, involving the destruction of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.—Boston.

The kind integration of previously oppressed groups—Washington, D.C.

A questionable business experiment.—Wall Street.

The white man's burden. —Kipling.

EXPLOSION A great opportunity to start from the bottom and move up.

EXPOSITION An outdated Department Store, typically opened a year or two late.

FACE An open, fertile area that sits between the collar button and the scalp, full of cheeks, chins, and chatter. The male face showcases hair, trimmed daily with a razor, or allowed to grow into mutton chops, a bit messy, or even styled like full lace curtains. The female face is adorned with powder, leading to the saying, "Shoot off your face." Each has its own features, like lamps, nose snuffers, and storage for snacks.

FAILURE The fastest way to make money.

FEINT A boxer’s bluff.

FAINT A woman's deception.

FAITH A mental achievement where an earache turns into a Symphony Concert, a broken finger becomes a diamond ring, and a "touch" is an invitation to dinner.

FAKE A false story.

FAKIR A fake reporter.

FAME Having a cigar brand named after you.

FAMILY

Originally a wife and a few kids, something to take pride in for the owner. Now outdated among the careful, or limited to the wife, a bullpup, and a canary.

FARE. The price of a ride. See the old saying, "Only the brave can pay their fare."

FAULT Almost the only thing that is often found where it doesn't belong.

FICTION. The Constitutional statement that "all people are created equal."

FIDDLER A violinist who, before becoming a virtuoso, refuses to play an actual melody.

FIRMNESS That admirable trait in ourselves that is seen as annoying stubbornness in others.

FIG Nothing. Note, "I don't care at all," etc.

FIG LEAF A tiny outer garment, practically nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B.C. and sometimes brought back by Bostonian Art Committees.

FISHING A bold method attempted by some non-clergy to prevent dozing off in church on Sunday.

FLAT A series of padded rooms, typically found in cities, where harmless individuals with a single obsession are confined, believing that home is a Sardine Box.

FLATTERY Cologne water, meant to be enjoyed by scent but not to be ingested.

FLUE A vent for hot air.

FLUENCY The skill of letting go of the same.

FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A surge of color to the cheek or hand, triggered by physical—or poker—heat.

FLY A well-known summer guest who hangs out with the elite, gets caught in the butter and leaves his glasses behind.

FLY-SCREEN A setup for keeping flies out of the house.

FOOT The perspective of a girl from the West.

FOOTPATH Chicago, IL

FOOTBALL A clever trick to continue prize fights while pretending it's a respectable sport.

FOREIGNER

One who is eligible for the police force. From Greek fero, meaning to carry off, and enara, meaning spoils. One who takes away the spoils.

FORBEARANCE The attitude of tolerance displayed when someone who is knowledgeable patiently listens to a fool who isn't.

FRANC Twenty cents in French.

FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German. Derived from frank, open, and fortitude, meaning brave. Sold openly and eaten by the bold.

FROST A past relationship after the engagement is called off.

FUN Happiness.

FUNCTION Lacking joy.

GALLON From the French galonner, which means to make tight. Note, one is enough.

GALLANTRY This word is now almost outdated. It used to describe the respectful gesture of a man who would give up his seat for women in a crowded train car.

GAMBLER From the Greek gumnos, stripped to the skin. And the gambler's the one who makes it happen.

GARDEN From the Fr. garantir, to provide or ensure. Therefore, a place where lovers come together.

GARLIC From Greek gar, for, and Latin liceor, to bid. Good for the chicks.

GEM A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, synonym for "a precious stone."

GERM A small living organism found in water.

GERMAN

More animals living on beer.

GIRAFFE The ultimate rubber-neck in the world, and the longest thirst ever recorded.

GLOBE A well-rounded investment that has provided its shareholders with a livelihood for several thousand years, even though two-thirds of its stock is just water.

GOAT The respected founder and oldest resident of Harlem, NY. Elsewhere, not well regarded.

GOLF An excuse for carrying visible weapons and smelling like Scotch.

GONDOLA A type of pleasure boat that operates in Venice, at World's Fairs, and other popular vacation spots. From Eng. gone, and Lat. dolor, meaning sadness, or Eng. dollar. Sadness is gone; also, a lost dollar.

GORE Blood. It’s shed every day in Chicago slaughterhouses but never spilled in French duels.

GOSSIP Derived either from the Greek gups, meaning vulture, or the French gosier, meaning windpipe. Thus, it refers to a vulture that tears apart its prey or an action related to the windpipe from which every victim receives a jab.

GOUT The unwelcome result of excessive indulgence, which often affects the most basic joints and is only talked about in the Footnotes for the Unwell.

GOWN From Latin gaudium, meaning joy. A beautiful thing that's a joy forever; if it's from Paris, it's usually something of value.

GUNPOWDER A black substance widely used to mark the borders of countries.

GUM A sticky substance.

GUM-GAME A game where someone is caught.

GUTTER A place where we can explore the worst of humanity or see the reflection of the stars.

HAIR-DRESSER A linguist whose life allows him to combine thinking with hands-on work.

HAMMER A small, busy tool used by blacksmiths, geologists, and Knockers for breaking iron, rock, or forging connections.

HAMMOCK From the Latin hamus, meaning hook, and Greek makar, meaning happy. Happiness on hooks. Also, a popular invention that allows for flirting to be paused but not stopped during picnic season.

HAND A highly sought-after item, given by The Damsel or The Dealer. GLAD HAND. The beggar's request, the politician's power, and the drummer's best ally.

HANDMAIDEN A manicure.

HARANGUE The annoying result of a never-ending chatter. From Eng. hear, and Lat. angor, pain. Painful to listen to.

HARMONY From the Greek arnumi, meaning strain. Therefore, filled with strains.

HASH   ?

HATCH To incubate eggs.

HATCHWAY A place for hatching eggs; a chicken coop.

HAY-FEVER A heart issue caused by falling in love with a divorced woman.

HEARSE Seen with the deceased.

HEARSAY Heard from the deceased.

HEARSE A stylish vehicle in which the person who has always been at the back is finally allowed to take the lead in the procession.

HEART A bloody organ, stored in a box, driven by beats, and appreciated only after it's lost or given away.

HEAVE To lift.

HEAVEN A great place to be brought up.

HEDGE A fence.

HEDGEHOG Someone who takes advantage of the boundaries. A Bill-Poster.

HELL End poverty.

HEREDITY The reason for all our flaws. From Fr. here, wretch, and Eng. ditty, song. The song of the unfortunate.

BRAVERY

A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once held by Hobson and Dewey, now carried by Mother Eddy and Brother Dowie.

HIP A popular spot for the liquor retail business.

The harm people cause.

HIT An opportunity for first place, first base, or first blood.

HOCK v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they generally "Hock the Kaiser."

HOMOEOPATHY See Conventional Medicine.

HOOT MON! The Scottish National Anthem.

HOP To jump.

HOPPER A captain.

HOPE A wish for better things ahead that encourages a grass widow to give it another shot. Also, a concept about the future, sometimes respected, but usually prolonged.

HORN A sharp tip.

HORNET Even sharper.

HORSE-SENSE A level of common sense that prevents someone from wagering on horse races.

HOSE Guy's excuse for getting the walk all wet.

HOSIERY A woman's justification for walking in the rain.

HOTEL A place where guests frequently spend a lot of money for subpar accommodations.

HOUSECLEANING A domestic disruption that allows the government to recruit all the soldiers it needs.

HUG A roundabout way of showing love.

HUMOR An outbreak, whether of skin or mind, is often referred to as a Rash.

HUNGER The ability to grab a bite from a Night Lunch Cart.

HUSBAND The next thing to a wife. From Eng. hussy, woman, and bond, tie. Tied to a woman.

HYDRANT From Greek hudros, meaning water, and English ante, meaning to give up. Something that releases water. (A fitting synonym for dipsomaniac).

HYPOCRITE A horse dealer. From Greek hippos, meaning horse, and kroteo, meaning to beat. Someone who cheats you in a horse deal.

ICE A substance often linked to falling in winter, a drink in summer, and skating all year long.

ICEMAN A smooth operator who has connections with the best families, makes his presence known in every home, and can choose whatever he wants in the kitchen, even if he leaves his chips on the street. "How would you like to be The Iceman?"

IDIOT From Eng. idea, and out. A person who is simply out of ideas.

IDLE Pointless.

IDOLIZE To make pointless.

IMPECUNIOUS To be in a state of being broke. From Eng. in, and Lat. pecco, to sin, with poverty being the worst of all sins.

IMPERIOUS From Eng. imp, devil and aerial, airy. Airy like the devil.

LED LIGHT

From Latin incendo, meaning to burn, and English cent, referring to money. An invention for burning money.

INCOME The dependable result of a smart investment. From Latin in and coma, meaning sleep. Money that earns while you sleep.

INDEPENDENCE Self-government. Good enough for a Cuban, but not for a Filipino.

INDIGESTION A troubling stomach issue that is occasionally only briefly eased by kicking the cat or punishing the kids.

INDIVIDUALITY A harmless characteristic when it's your own. The same characteristic in others is total foolishness.

INDORSE To write on the back of; the most endorsed person in town is the Sandwich-Man.

INFANT A troublemaker.

INFANTRY A protector of peace.

INHABITANT A resident of any village, town, or city. OLDEST INHABITANT The Champion Liar.

INTUITION A made-up trait in women—actually just Suspicion.

IRRITANT Something that annoys. COUNTER IRRITANT A woman shopping.

ISLAND A place where the sea floor rises above the water.

ISOLATION From Eng. ice, meaning cold, and Lat. solus, alone. Alone in the cold.

JACK A tool that needs a lot of strength and is used for lifting heavy weights or for taking off boots.

JACK-POT A tool that needs a firm grip, used for increasing large bets or for removing the stakes.

JAG From the Spanish word zaga, meaning a load packed on the outside of a van. In America, the load is packed on the inside of a man.

JAM

A pantry composition in A minor.

JANITOR From jangle, to argue, and torrid, meaning hot. Hot and argumentative.

JELLY-CAKE Another word for bellyache.

JERSEY Well-made.

NEW JERSEY Well, a bit. (See Mosquito).

Jew's Harp

From Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, a musical instrument, the Jew's musical instrument being a "Sell low!" (modern spelling, Cello).

JIMMY A tool used by people who are greedy and can't afford a spot on the Stock Exchange.

JOB An unpredictable asset governed by a Union Card.

JOCKEY From jog, meaning to move slowly, and key, something that speeds things up. So, it's someone who adjusts the pace to be faster or slower based on directions.

JOINT Either a low-cut piece from the butcher or a low quarter in town; in either case, the lower it is, the tougher it gets.

JOKE A type of humor that some people love and most people don’t get; in England, it needs a diagram, raised letters, and a club.

JOLLY v. t., To "trick" or "tease."

JOLLY BOAT The Government Ship.

JUDGE Someone who sits in a courtroom, hands down sentences and deals with criminals for a living, and swears all the time.

JULEP A deceptive friend from the South, who offers you a mint and presents you with a sweet drink, soon followed by a Bun.

JURY Twelve individuals selected to determine who has the stronger attorney.

JUSTICE Fair play; often pursued, but rarely found, alongside Law.

KANGAROO A heavy drinker from Australia, particularly fond of hops, and usually intoxicated.

KATYDID A gossiping grasshopper who is always getting involved in Katy's business.

KEEPSAKE Something given to us by someone we've forgotten.

KERNELS or COLONELS Articles often found in cores (or corps) and often surrounded by shells.

Kerosene

An alleged provider of heat and light. From Latin carus, meaning expensive, and seneo, to be weak; costly but feeble. For more details, check with Standard Oil Company.

KEYHOLE

A common sobriety test.

KID Either a boxing glove or a firstborn. In either case, tough to manage until well-weathered.

KILTS A Scottish man's excuse for showing a little too much skin.

KINDRED From Eng. kin, meaning family, and dread, meaning fear; frightening family ties.

KINDERGARTEN From Ger. kinder, children, and Lat. garritus, a babbling. A place for noisy children.

KINDLING-WOOD From Ger. kind, youth, and Eng. linger, to hang around. A spot where young people typically hang out.

KISS Nothing divided by two; meaning hardship for infants, joy for youth, loyalty for middle-aged people, and respect for the elderly.

KISS An indescribable thing that isn't worth anything to anyone else, but is highly valued by the two who share it.

KNOCKER A device on doors to alert people; also, a device on foot for the same purpose.

LACE Among women, lace represents a lesson; therefore, they blend creativity and economy by making the waist smaller.

LACONIC Brief in speech. From Eng. lack, meaning absence, and connection; absence of connection.

LAMP A bulb.

LAMPONED To be lit up.

LARD Saturated fat.

LARDER A source of fat.

LARK A short, fun outing enjoyed by night owls. Also, an early rising songbird. (Difference between "out on a lark" and "up with the lark," an impossible combination).

LASSIE One of the weaker gender.

LASSITUDE A bit weaker.

LAUD Praise the Almighty.

LAUDANUM Prays for himself—after use.

LAUNDRY A place where clothes get messed up.

LAUGH A strange twist of the human face, whether done on purpose or not, triggered by a series of external situations, seen or heard, that are ridiculous, silly, humorous, joyful, funny, playful, or whimsical, and often accompanied by sounds like a cackle, chuckle, chortle, loud laugh, giggle, gurgle, guffaw, or roar.

LAWYER Someone who protects your assets from an adversary, so they can claim it for themselves.

LECTURE An event where it doesn’t cost much to look smart.

GOVERNMENT

From Latin lego, to bring together, and latro, to bark or bluster; possibly from lex, law, and latens, unknown. Thus, a group of people gathered to bluster, or a group of lawmakers who know nothing about law.

LEISURE From Eng., lazy, and sure; guaranteed relaxation.

LENT A Church fast that lingers; or something borrowed that takes its time to be returned.

LIE A really bad replacement for the truth, but the only one we've found so far.

LIMBURGER A German native who is strong enough to do housework; highly recommended for cleaning the dining room.

LIBRARY From Fr. libre, meaning free, and proper name ANDY. Something free from Andy Carnegie.

LINKS Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of hazards.

LION A ruthless animal who never visits the barber and always has a full mane in his lair, yet will give you a close shave if you get close enough.

Lobster

The edible lobster is found off the New England coast. The two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds are green, but when cooked, they turn a bright red. Soubrettes rely heavily on both varieties for their livelihood; together they provide her with food, clothing, apartments, jewelry, and occasionally an upset stomach.

LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish people order at hotels when they usually just have beans at home.

LOVE A guy's crazy need to be a woman's financial support.

LOVER A passionate admirer who says, "Sure, sweetheart, I’ll clear the snow off the lake so we can go skating!" and, after getting married, says, "What? Clear the snow off the walkway for you? No way! I’m not your handyman."

MAGAZINE A container for explosives, whether in literature or machinery.

MAGNATE Someone who can raise significant funds. From Latin magnus, meaning great, and nator, meaning to swim; a great swimmer.

MAIDEN LADY A term used for an old maid by people who want to be tactful and spare her feelings.

MALT A simple grain that frequently undergoes fermentation, cools down, and transforms into Stout in its later stages.

MAN Something that "Starts off on four legs, then walks on two legs, and finally uses a cane, but the more legs it uses, the weaker it becomes!"

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN Someone who knows the head waiter well.

MANICURE The only woman who can outdo a carpenter at soaking nails.

MANNERS A challenging piece in the key of B natural.

MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, just a dime.

MASCULINE From Greek maskos, meaning girl, and eukolos, meaning easy. Easy for the girls.

MASSAGE A touch, meant to work it into the body.

MATRIMONY A game for women, where the single ones are trying to find a husband and the married ones are trying not to get caught by one. Both groups are incredibly successful.

MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a tiny pile of crumbs completely surrounded by alcohol.

MEDIUM A person who's barely hanging on but is very interested in your money. "Hey, Central! Connect me to Heaven!"

MELODEON A supposed musical instrument, well-liked at home, but not so much next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, meaning without. Guaranteed to be without melody.

MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mix, and Ger. riechen, to smell. A mix of scents.

MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail, and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One who fails to show up.

METER The gas guy's secret spot. "Catch her in the basement!"

MIND Whatever. MATTER Forget it.

MINE A hole in the ground owned by someone untrustworthy.

MINSTREL A bad act that performs every night in every city.

MIRACLE A woman who doesn't talk.

MIST Typically, a light, gentle rain. SCOTCH MIST A sudden downpour.

MITTEN Something a kind-hearted girl gives a guy when she knows she’s going to make it cold for him.

MONEY Society's validation of crudeness.

MONOPOLY A current way to make others poor. From Grk. monux, quick-footed, and polloi, the people. A quick kick for the people.

MOON The only lighting monopoly that never turned a profit.

MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, meaning death, and Eng. gag, to suffocate. A lawyer's creation for suffocating property to the point of death.

MOSQUITO A tiny bug created by God to make us appreciate flies more.

MOTH An unfortunate person who is always in debt. And the only ones who try to help him out are his enemies.

MOUSE

The common reason for an increase in cotton.

NATURE The author of "The Seasons," a fascinating piece where Spring flows in, Summer beams, and Autumn changes the leaves while Winter takes it all in.

NECK A direct link between the chin and chest, used for showcasing linen, silk, furs, jewelry, and skin, equipped with the esophagus, trachea, needs for food and water, and dedicated to the rubber industry.

BLACK Someone who votes your way. NIGGER Someone who doesn't.

NEIGHBOR Someone who knows more about your life than you do.

NERVOUSNESS

Breaking the hairbrush over the disobedient child, then making them pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and spoil the hairbrush!"

"NEXT" The secret code to the paradise of the shaved and the unshaved.

NIP Something refreshing from outside or inside. When you feel it in the air, it's a frost. When you find it in a glass, it's a lifesaver.

NOBILITY A group of foreign bandits with plans to kidnap the American Girl and steal the American Dollar.

NON-CONDUCTOR The operator.

NOSE A well-known feature of the face, often portrayed as Greek or Roman, who possesses the shortest bridge in the world. He tends to be pretentious in social situations but often makes a scene when he's sick. Main activities include sniffling, whining, sneezing, snorting, and smelling, meddling in others' business, overeating without consent, and sacrificing for others.

NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The essence of things we've waited a long time for, the proof of things that we can't see."

NOVEL A fabric that is often knitted in print, even if the yarn is well made.

NURSE

One person who keeps pouring drinks after everyone’s settled in.

Rowing tool

A popular tool for catching crabs.

OATS England's horse feed, America's breakfast, and Scotland's menu special.

OATH A type of speech that faces many tests in court, but is never challenged in Sunday School.

OVERWEIGHT

A surplus gone to waste.

OCEAN An old drinker who is always wet has had many tough nights along the coast, often sends schooners floating, gets himself worked up because he’s been crossed so often, and has his ships in every port. At sea, he’s the king of the elements; on land, just a little wave.

OLEOMARGARINE The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. olio, a mix, and Grk. margino, to be angry. An angry mix.

OMNIBUS A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk. oneiros, dream, and baino, to go or move. A dream of motion.

ONION The all-around strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom, with garlic and cabbage as close competitors.

OPERA A dramatic form that acts superior and won’t speak, yet always sings its own praises. GRAND OPERA A pretext for showcasing multiple jewelry boxes and fancy peaches.

OPINION The wayward child of Thought. PUBLIC OPINION The world's top boxer, who has defeated Law in many tough matches.

OPIUM The true creator of "The Dream Book."

OPTIMISM A positive mindset that allows a tea kettle to whistle even when it's boiling over.

ORCHARD The small boy's paradise of today, where the apple once again leads to the fall.

OSTRICH The biggest and heaviest bird on the planet, but considered a lightweight by its owners.

OUTSKIRTS The only clothing that gives many cities a sense of decency.

OVEN The only sport that gets just as hot whether or not there's any dough involved.

PAIN A feeling you get when you get punched, especially the one from London.

PALMISTRY A reasonable excuse for holding hands.

PANTS Trousers' Rural Relatives.

PARACHUTE

A successful way to take advantage of the Earth.

PARAGON The ideal man a woman wishes she hadn't given up for the one she wrongfully married.

PARENTS One of the challenges of being a minor.

PASS A type of transportation provided for free to those who can easily afford it.

PASSENGER Someone who travels without a pass. (Opposite of Deadhead). From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up. Someone who has to give up to travel.

PARROT A person who can never be held accountable for what they say.

PASTRY A dangerous tool used by cafés, chefs, and newlywed homemakers.

PATRIOT Someone who is ready to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds at once.

PAWN

v. t., To keep property in the family by passing it all to your uncle.

PAWNBROKER A money-driven individual for whom cash is the only redeeming quality.

PEACE A mythical state of calm often mentioned from the Philippines.

PEACH A common term for Fair Woman, likely because the peach has a soft exterior and a hard pit inside.

PEARL A small, round gem created by an oyster, purchased by a lobster, and worn by a butterfly.

PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination. One who is committed to doing what is right.

PESSIMIST Someone who sees everything negatively. And occasionally positively.

PHILISTINE In biblical times, someone who troubled the people of Israel; today, someone who only worries about themselves. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish. One who makes noise to punish.

PHILANTHROPIST Someone who publicly gives back a small portion of the wealth they privately take from the people.

PHILOSOPHER Someone who, instead of lamenting over spilled milk, comforts themselves with the idea that it was mostly just water.

PHILOSOPHY Something that allows the wealthy to claim there is no shame in being poor.

PIANO A tool often used in constructing a Rough House.

PIN The best dresser in a woman’s circle—sharp and reliable, rarely loses composure, sticks to its own direction, and achieves its goal in whatever it sets out to do.

PING-PONG A game created to benefit furniture and dishware sellers.

PITY An emotion that arises in a man's mind when he sees the children of a woman he could have married instead.

PLATONIC LOVE A situation where a man and woman try to perfectly imitate a pair of icicles—and never manage to do it.

PLENTY A desirable situation that is likely to disappear whenever extravagance takes over.

PLUM A fruit that matures and drops from the Political Tree—but only after careful grafting.

PLUMB To determine the capacity of.

PLUMBER Someone who figures out how much money you have, robs you with a lead pipe, and makes off with your cash—commonly referred to as "a lead-pipe cinch."

POLE-CAT A small animal that should be killed using a long pole; the longer the pole, the better.

Police Officer

A help that is never there when times get tough.

POLYGAMY A careless method of raising family costs.

POLYGLOT A parrot that can curse in multiple languages.

POSTSCRIPT The only part of a woman's letter that's worth reading.

PRETZEL The bartender's promoter.

PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, just the shoe-laces for the giant, Monopoly.

PRO and CON Prefixes that mean the opposite. For example, Progress and Congress.

PRUDE A Boston native.

PRUDENCE A quality of mind that keeps the sensible tenant from trying to figure out how their landlady prepares her hash.

PRUDERY A trait that shows a lack of modesty, like a wig reveals a loss of hair.

PRUNE A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's favorite; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.

PUGILIST A tough opponent who often gets caught up in things but never gives up until he’s knocked out.

PULLMAN PORTER A legal train robber.

PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London, detailing the death of Humor.

QUACK The Duck family's favorite doctor.

QUAIL

v. t., To shrink—a trait associated with the bird when you order it at a restaurant.

QUEEN Someone who has the right to govern a country, create a deck of cards, or defeat a fraudster.

Is marriage a failure?

QUEUE The only Mongolian route linking America and China.

QUORUM An awkward person, full of Yeses and Nos, who is rarely around when needed.

RABBIT A small rodent, very similar to a hare, that eats grass and digs in the ground. WELSH RABBIT More like a string, lives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.

RACE-TRACK An intriguing place, where bets are placed in books and the heat never disrupts the quest for the Pole.

RADIUM A glowing source of energy, filled with vibrant rays of radioactivity, elevated to extreme levels and seen as an unrestrained profit during a time of wealth among a disturbed, chaotic society.

RAG-TIME Music has been broken down into many parts—the creation of a smooth talker that many have embraced.

RAPID TRANSIT A city legend, shared for the entertainment of the long-suffering—and slow-moving—public.

REFORM Generally, a periodic outbreak begins with intense heat, followed by a high fever, and is marked by a flood of articles in the newspapers, a stream of words from speakers, and a surge of voting, leaving the affected person a long-term invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been limited to a low-level attempt at governance.

REFORMER Someone who, when they sense something is off, is quick to reveal the truth.

Sign Up

The only autograph book that you have to pay to sign.

REGRETS A reason for not attending a social event. Sometimes, a way to express sadness; often, a tribute to being saved from something bad.

RELATIONS A boring group of people who have no idea how to live or any sense of when to let go.

RELIGION A cover used by some people in this world who will be fine without one in the next.

R.E. MORSE A seasoned General who leads the largest army in the world.

REPARTEE The bold tendency to talk back.

REPUTATION A personal asset that is often not recognized until it is gone.

RESIDENCE A rural area where a wealthy New Yorker or Bostonian spends a few hours each year.

RESOLUTION A delicate piece of pottery made on January 1st and typically shattered by January 2nd.

RESORT (SUMMER) A place where the weary become even more exhausted. From Eng. rest, and Grk. orizo, to define. A place where rest is restricted.

REST A job where every homeless person has a Union Card for life.

RESTAURANT A place known for causing indigestion. From Latin restauro, meaning to fix, and Greek anti, meaning against. After eating there, you're "facing repairs."

RHETORIC Language in formal attire.

RICE An effective weapon, used for attacking Chinese people or newlyweds.

ROQUEFORT A type of cheese with a smell that easily places it among the top-ranked varieties.

ROYCROFTER A successful bookmaker in East Aurora. From Fr. roi, meaning king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of Grafters.

RUMOR The long-distance champion of humanity—a creature with more stories than an octopus.

RUST Physical dullness.

RUSTIC Mental fog.

SADDUCEE A person with doubtful religious beliefs. They feel hopeless, which is why they seem sad.

SAILOR A man who works on the water but never steps on land.

SANDWICH A failed effort to make ends meet.

SAUSAGE A result of the dog days.

SCAFFOLD An artwork that almost always gets displayed.

SCARECROW An operator who consistently manages to gather corn, without cawing.

SCORCHER A driver in a huge rush.

SCULPTOR A poor soul who creates sculptures and busts.

SELF-MADE A positive way to describe a respectable criminal.

SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea—and Sir T.

SHEPHERD Someone who relies on a staff to make a living.

SHIRT Every man's best friend.

SILVER A metallic version of opium, smoked by presidential impossibilities.

SINNER A foolish person who gets exposed.

SNAP A lively, energetic quality that allows a guy with ginger to stand out.

SNORE A bad report from HQ.

SOROSIS A gas company that installs its pipes on farmed land.

SPAGHETTI A dish that's primarily enjoyed by Italians and jugglers. From Lat. spadix, meaning branch or fork, and gestamen, meaning burden. A burden for the fork.

SPIDER A hardworking weaver and a great communicator, who sends a message with every mail.

STARS The greatest astronomers we know have been studying the skies for centuries.

STAYS A kind of straightjacket used in the reformation of women.

STOCKINGS A woman's only savings for a rainy day.

STOCKS An unpredictable asset traded by risk-takers. If you come out ahead, it's an investment; if you fall short, it's just speculation.

Stovepipe

A portable cylinder used to collect smoke and bad language.

SPRING Once a very enjoyable season, but now it's pretty much forgotten, except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.

SPINSTER A leftover from which the sparks have faded away.

SUBWAY In Boston, a place where you can experience nonstop noise, rowdy behavior, assault and battery, riots, and uprisings. These activities are legally permitted, and it costs five cents to enter.

SUCCESS A goal typically achieved by those who spend their time developing a clearer purpose in life instead of constantly looking for a bigger target.

SUMMER A hot and costly season created by owners of country cottages and hotels, railroad and steamboat companies, and the Ice Man.

SUN A bright yellow presence from the East, who travels west every day, manages a heating and lighting company, provides water, produces images, cultivates crops, sells ice, and tans skins on the side. Gains from his daily light and always has a glow.

Empathy

Feeling for others; very evident in Blind Man's Buff.

SYNDICATE A plot to grow the small business started by Captain Kidd.

TAILOR Someone who measures you at first glance, makes sure you have a good fit, stitches you together, and keeps doing it until they get paid.

TALK A nonstop show featuring daily and nightly performances, with Woman as the main star and Man stuck in the Family Circle.

TEXT MESSAGE

A message sent by a man in a rush and delivered by a boy who is asleep.

TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos, murder. A device where conversation is cut off.

TENNIS A game where players use a racket on the side and serve over a net, while the volleys take them from set to set and love scores come up just as often as they're talked about.

TEMPER A quality that, when lost, is likely to dull a knife blade and sharpen a woman's tongue.

THERMOMETER

A small glass tube that controls the weather—and often fails to do so effectively.

THIRST A feeling that comes right after a quick visit to the free food stand.

TIDE An old friend who shows up every day but is fully present whenever he crosses the bay.

TITIAN The color of a poor red-headed girl's hair changes as soon as her father hits it big with oil.

TIPS Payments we give to workers hired by others.

TOBACCO A disgusting plant that is eaten by only two creatures: a big, green caterpillar and—humans. The caterpillar doesn’t know any better.

TONGUE A rebellious part that often sticks out, yet a craftsman who's diligent with flavor and a great jokester among women.

TOUCH A common habit among those without money, leading the person experiencing it to feel weak, followed by a chill or a sense of emptiness.

TRANSFER A small piece of paper with incredible strength, capable of carrying a heavy person for several miles.

TROLLEY-CAR A vehicle packed with ads, and sometimes passengers, operated by Poles.

TROUBLE Something that a lot of people seek but no one actually wants.

TRUST A small amount of money completely surrounded by water.

TWINS Insult to Injury.

Tornadoes

An unwelcome thing to have around.

UMBRELLA A useful item to have during a rain shower—or at a pawn shop; but, like ice skating, rarely spotted after Lent.

UNBOSOMED

A shirt just came back from the dry cleaner.

UNION A sick person often plagued by sores and likely to lash out unexpectedly.

UMPIRE Not a jeweler, but an expert on diamonds.

USHER A person who plays a key role in a theater.

VACCINATION Where "getting the shot" is never a bad thing.

VAUDEVILLE From Latin vaut, meaning good for, and villageois, countryman. Good for country folks.

VERANDA

An outdoor space commonly used as a spoon holder.

VEST A waistcoat on sale.

VIRTUE A quality that's often linked to intelligence but rarely to beauty.

VULGARITY Others' behavior.

WAITER A novice server.

WAR A complete way to create heroes that, if done on a small scale, would only result in murderers.

WATER A light liquid used on stocks to attract buyers.

WEDDING A transaction where the bride is usually given away, and the groom is often sold.

WEEDS Found in gardens and by the windows. To remove them easily, marry the widow.

WICKEDNESS A myth created by good people to explain the unique appeal of others.

WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she plays golf as well. In that case, the kids are golf orphans.

WHISKY Trouble bottled up in liquid form.

WIND An atmospheric occurrence caused by a temporary disturbance in the layers of the atmosphere, where air, whether hot or cold, is set into motion, creating a lasting flow through space due to certain hidden ethereal forces, resulting in soft winds, breezes, gusts, powerful blasts, blizzards, strong winds, dust storms, hurricanes, tornadoes, or typhoons. Banned from Kansas storm shelters but often mixed with Chicago slang—whether in canned form or casual conversation.

WOMAN An ambitious individual whose political influence is still somewhat limited in voting outcomes.

WORD Something you have to hold onto after passing it to someone else.

WORRY A state of mind that causes some people to fear, each time the tide goes out, that it won’t come back in.

WRINKLES A merchant's trademarks.

X-Rays

$10 from a friend.

YARN An essential in fabric-making—whether woven or told. Mill yarns are very vibrant; those spun at sea are even more so.

YAWL It can mean the shape of a boat or the sound a cat makes, but it's never a cat-boat.

YAWNS The brakes on a sleeper.

YEAR A period originally consisting of 365 days, now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.

YELLOW FEVER An obsession with reading the Hearst newspapers.

YOLK The legacy of the chicken and the weight of its eggs.

YOKE The legacy of the henpecked and the weight of being married.

YULE-LOG A Christmas creation of the fireplace, too young to catch fire, too hard to burn, and too fresh to cozy up to anyone.

YOUTH The driving force that powers the world; a creation of its own time, with connections sending energy to the highest points on Earth and with its ideas disrupted only by narrow-minded Old Age.

ZEALOT Someone who cares about morality so much that they will break the law to uphold it.

ZEBRA The trickster of the horse world, doomed to wear stripes forever.

ZERO Originally, nothing; but now it represents a significant amount on a thermometer or bank draft, and constitutes two-thirds of 400.

ZIGZAG The usual path to take after a big dinner. There's an old saying: "The longest way around is the drunkard's way home!"

Zouave

The original Ms. Bloomer.