The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is the independent work of a nine-year-old author. However, "effort" is a ridiculous word to use, as you can tell by looking at the proud face of the child herself, which is featured here as the frontispiece of her remarkable work. This isn't a picture of a writer who stayed up late burning the midnight oil (in fact, there’s evidence she was sent to bed every night at six): it has a vibe of effortless talent; there's a self-satisfied quality to it that some might call smug. That face didn’t need any effort to produce a masterpiece. It likely shows exactly how she appeared when she finished a chapter. When she was actually working, [Pg vi] I think her expression was more serious, with her tongue pressed between her teeth; an intense excitement visible as she got closer to her love chapter. Fellow writers will see that she was anticipating this chapter the whole time.

The manuscript is written in pencil in a sturdy little notebook (two pence), and it has sat there for years. Although the author was nine when she wrote it, she is now a grown woman. It has rested, as it were, in lavender in the chunky notebook, waiting for a publisher to come by and rescue it; and here he is at last, not at all worried that it may come off as "Victorian." In fact, if the depictions of High Life are accurate (and we can’t doubt that, since the author always seems confident in her facts), they really had a surprising way of doing things back then. Even the important historical figures were quite relaxed, like King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most relatable depiction ever written, as he appears at a levee "rather sumptuously," in [Pg vii] a "small but expensive crown," and then slips away to enjoy some ice cream. It seems particularly odd that we are mistaken about the young Victorian lady, who we often picture as more timid and reserved than today’s girls. Ethel in this story is an intriguing character who would have a great time anywhere there were a few men, but she wouldn’t be able to go through life quite so carefree without drawing the attention of the judgmental. "Chaperon" appears to be one of the very few positive words that the author had never heard.

The woman she has become, the "owner of the copyright" mentioned before, shares some details about the child she once was, and it’s clear she’s a bit freaked out by that version of herself. We’d probably all feel a bit uneasy (yet proud) if that image were suddenly placed before us as a representation of who we were, and we had to justify why we ever held ourselves in such high regard.

Except for the smirk on her face, all I can gather about her now is that [Pg viii] she was part of a small family living in the countryside, creating their own games, avoiding the governess, and ignoring the rest of the world. She read everything she could get her hands on, including, as the context clearly shows, the adult novels of that time. "I loved writing and used to hope for bad weather, so I wouldn’t have to go out and could stay in to write." Her mother often had early tea in bed; sometimes guests would come over, and they would talk about happenings in high society: there were mentions of places like Hampton Court, the Gaiety Theatre, and the "Crystal" Palace. This is almost all that is remembered now, but it was enough for the fiery child. She sucked her thumb for a moment (this is just a guess) and then sat down to her incredible story.

"Her mom used to have early tea in bed." Many writers must have had a similar experience, but they all overlooked the potential of it until this young woman came along. It excited her; and tea in bed finally takes its rightful place in stories. "Mr. Salteena woke up rather early the next day and was delighted to see Horace the footman coming in with a cup of tea. Oh, thank you, my man, said Mr. Salteena, rolling over in the expensive bed. Mr. Clark is almost out of the bath, sir, announced Horace. I’d be happy to turn it on for you if you'd like. Well, yes, you could, said Mr. Salteena, realizing it was a good idea." Mr. Salteena skillfully hides his feelings, but as soon as he’s alone, he rushes to Ethel’s door, "I say, said Mr. Salteena excitedly, I’ve had some tea in bed."

"Sometimes visitors came to the house." That might not seem like a big deal to us, but just think about how thoroughly this child must have studied them; if you consider what she knew about them before the "vehicle" arrived to take them back to the station, you'll never want to spend another weekend in a house where there's a nine-year-old novelist. I’m sure that when you left your bedroom, this child snuck in, checked everything out [Pg x] and figured you out. She was especially interested in the items on your dressing table, including the little box with reddish powder, and she kept watching you until she saw you dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge," went a bit to her head, and Ethel takes it with her on her travels with great style. For example, she makes sure to use it before getting proposed to; and its debut is justified with words that should be included in every boudoir. "I shall put some red ruge on my face," Ethel said, "because I am very pale due to the drains in this house."

Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the "compartments" in the "Crystal" Palace, and how the "Gaiety" Hotel came from the Gaiety Theatre, along with many other pleasing changes. The novelist will find this story a great example for their future work. For instance, how skillfully the author jumps into the story right away. How cleverly she keeps us in suspense, switching to Mr. Salteena when we’re anxious about Ethel, and back to Ethel when we’re worried about Mr. Salteena. This author, who has written nine works, is constantly engaging with her readers. Her mind is like a treasure chest; as she explores it (head tilted to the side and tongue out), she brings forth a shower of gems. There's probably never been a novelist with such an uncanny understanding of their characters as she has of Mr. Salteena. The first line of the story captures him forever: "Mr. Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and fond of asking people to stay with him." On the next page, Salteena paints a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an invitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I love gardening and I have a soft spot for ladies if they're nice; I guess it’s just my nature. I’m not quite a gentleman, but you would hardly notice it; still, it can't be helped."

"When the big morning came, Mr. Salteena didn’t have an egg for breakfast just in case he got sick on the journey." For my part, I love Mr. Salteena, who has a bit of Hamlet in him, and I hoped right up to the end that Ethel would make him happy, even though I never had much hope after I read the description of Bernard Clark's legs.

It’s no surprise that Mr. Salteena soon became "rather jealous" of Bernard, who flaunted himself from the start. "My own room is next to the bathroom," Bernard said, "and it's decorated in dark red because I have somber tastes. The bathroom has a flip-up basin." This is how Mr. Salteena was put in his place, and the cruel author (with her tongue sticking out further than ever) stubbornly keeps him there. "After dinner, Ethel played some cheerful tunes on the piano, and Bernard joined in with a rather loud song in a deep voice, which made Ethel clap for him a lot. Then Mr. Salteena asked a few riddles since he wasn't musical." It’s no wonder Mr. Salteena went to bed feeling gloomy, not to [Pg xiii] sleep, but to figure out the bigger riddle of how to become a gentleman, which is a big part of this story.

To many, the most insightful part of the story will be the chapter titled "Bernard's Idea." Bernard's "idea" (enthusiastically approved by Ethel) is that they should head to London "for a few weeks of fun." Something like this has often been depicted in fiction and travel guides, but probably never as heartily as it is here. Once they arrive at the "Gaiety" Hotel, Bernard sticks his head into the pay desk window. "Do you have two bedrooms for me and the young lady?" he asks in a rather grand manner. He is told that they have two excellent rooms. "Thank you," said Bernard, "we'll take them if that's alright." "Of course, sir," the friendly lady replies, "the beds are well aired, and the view is quite nice." "Come on, Ethel!" Bernard calls, "this sounds good, right?" "Oh, absolutely!" Ethel responds with a radiant smile. He gallantly decides that the larger room will be hers. "I’ll be completely lost in that big bed," Ethel comments. "Yes, I imagine you will," Bernard replies, "now how about a little fixed-price dinner followed by a theater show?"

Bernard's proposal should be kept in the pocket of all future suitors. He decides "while sipping his morning tea under the pink silk quilt," that proposing in London wouldn't be the "right idea." He jumps out of bed and knocks on Ethel's door. "Are you up, my dear?" he calls. "Well, not quite," Ethel replies quickly as she jumps out of her cozy bed. He shares his "idea." "Oh, hurrah!" Ethel shouts. "I’ll be ready soon since I bathed last night, so I won’t need to wash much now."

They went up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunk deeply of the delightful food, finishing with meringues and chocolates," Bernard said in a passionate voice, "Let’s now relax under the spreading trees." "Oh yes, let’s," said Ethel. "Ethel," he murmured in a trembling voice. [Pg xv] "Oh, what is it?" said Ethel. What it was (as she well knew) was eternal love. Ethel accepted him, fainted, and was revived by a clever "idea" from Bernard, who splashed water on her. "She soon came to and looked up with a weak smile. 'Take me back to the 'Gaiety' Hotel,' she whispered faintly. 'With pleasure, my darling,' said Bernard. 'I’ll just pack up our food before I untie the boat.' Ethel felt better after a few sips of champagne and started to fix her hair while Bernard packed up the leftover food. Then, arm in arm, they wobbled to the boat. 'I hope you’re not ill, my darling,' Bernard murmured as he helped her in. 'Oh no, I’m very strong,' said Ethel. 'I fainted from joy,' she added to clarify. 'Oh, I see,' said Bernard, handing her a cushion. 'Well, some people do,' he added kindly."

"So I'll wrap up my chapter," the author says; and we can imagine her doing it confidently, slowly retracting her tongue.

Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her [Pg xvi] wedding dress was "a luxurious satin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white, and it had a long train edged with Airum lilies." "You will truly be a charming sight, my darling," Bernard exclaimed as they left the shop, and I have no doubt she was. She received many lovely gifts, the best of all being from her father, who "gave a cheque for £2 and promised to send her an adorable little baby calf when it was ready." This is perhaps the sweetest detail in the story and should inspire us all to tip our hats to the innocent, imaginative mind that came up with it.

Poor Mr. Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and crying into his handkerchief. However, he managed to recover somewhat and married Another, having ten children, "five of each." None of them, of course, were as good as Ethel's kids, of whom there were seven in a surprisingly short time, which the author clearly sees as the right "idea."

It appears to me to be an impressive piece of work [Pg xvii] for a child, noteworthy even for its length and thoroughness, because when children become authors, they typically stop halfway through, like a kitten that jumps. The handwritten manuscript has been faithfully reproduced, with no words added or removed. Since each chapter is in one long paragraph, it has been broken up for the reader's ease.

Mr. Salteena was a 42-year-old man who loved inviting people to stay with him. He had a 17-year-old girl named Ethel Monticue staying with him. Mr. Salteena had short dark hair, a mustache, and very black, twisty whiskers. He was of average height with very pale blue eyes. He wore a pale brown suit, but on Sundays, he wore a black one, and he donned a top hat every day because he thought it looked better. Ethel Monticue had fair hair styled on top and blue eyes. She wore a blue velvet dress that had gotten a bit short in the sleeves. She accessorized with a black straw hat and kid gloves.

One morning, Mr. Salteena came down for breakfast and found Ethel had come down first, which was unusual. "Is the tea ready, Ethel?" he said, rubbing his hands. "Yes," said Ethel, "and there's such a strange-shaped package that has arrived for you." Yes, it was indeed a strange-shaped package; it was a hat box tied very tightly, with a letter shoved between the strings. "Well, well," said Mr. Salteena, "packages can be odd." He decided to read the letter first, and saying this, he tore open the letter, and this is what it said:

Well said, Mr. Salteena. I’ll take you to stay, Ethel, and can you believe he sent me a top hat? Then Mr. S. opened the box, and inside was the most amazing top hat in a beautiful rich color, kind of like grapes, with a complete ribbon around it.

Well said Mr. Salteena irritably, "I don’t know if I'll like it. The bow of the ribbon is too flashy for my age." Then he sat down and ate the egg that Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he finished his meal, he got up and started to write to Bernard Clark. He ran upstairs on his chubby legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff, and this is what he wrote:

Perhaps my readers are wondering why Bernard Clark had invited Mr. Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in an isolated place, and he enjoyed people and parties, but he didn’t know many. “What nonsense,” Bernard Clark muttered as he read Mr. Salteena's letter. He was rather a presumptuous man.

When the big morning arrived, Mr. Salteena didn’t have an egg for breakfast just in case he got sick on the journey.

"What top hat will you wear?" asked Ethel.

I’ll wear my best black outfit and my white alpaca coat to keep off the dust and flies, replied Mr. Salteena.

I’m going to put some red blush on my face, said Ethel, because I look really pale from the drains in this house.

"You'll look really silly," said Mr. Salteena with a dry laugh.

Well, so will you, Ethel said sharply, and she dashed out of the room with a very confident run, kicking her legs out behind her and swinging her arms in rhythm. [Pg 28]

Well said the owner of the house, she has a really silly route.

Presently, Ethel returned wearing her best hat and a lovely velvet coat in royal blue. "Do I look nice in my outfit?" she asked.

Mr. Salteena looked her over. "You look rather flushed, my dear; your colors don’t quite match your face, but never mind. I'm just going up to say goodbye to Rosalind, the housemaid."

“Well, don’t take too long,” said Ethel. Mr. S. went upstairs to Rosalind’s room. “Goodbye, Rosalind,” he said. “I’ll be back soon, and I hope I’ll have a good time.”

I have no doubt about that, sir, said Rosalind, blushing as Mr. Salteena quietly placed 2/6 on the filthy toilet lid.

“Take care of your bronchitis,” said Mr. S. rather shyly, and he quickly left the room, waving his hand dismissively at the housemaid.

"Come on," Ethel said, powdering her nose in the hall. "Let's get into the cab." Mr [Pg 29] Salteena didn't care for powder, but he was a considerate man, so he jumped into the cab. "Sit down," Ethel said as the cab driver waved his whip. "You're standing on my luggage." "Well, I'm paying for the cab," Mr. S. replied, "so I should be allowed to put my feet where I want."

They traveled in 2nd class on the train, and Ethel wished they could be in 1st class, but she figured it was better to keep quiet about it. Mr. Salteena got really excited about his visit. Ethel remained calm, but she felt a rush of excitement inside. "Bernard has a big house," said Mr. S, looking at Ethel. "He seems to be on the wealthy side."

Oh, absolutely, said Ethel, watching some cows rush by the window. Mr. S. felt quite disheartened, so he read the newspaper until the train stopped and the porters shouted, "Rickamere station." We should gather our things, said Mr. Salteena, and just then, a very distinguished footman in a cocked hat and an olive green uniform leaned in through the window. "Are you headed to Rickamere Hall?" he asked in a commanding voice.

Well, yes, I am, said Mr. Salteena, and so is this lady.

"Very good, sir," said the noble footman. "If you will step down, I'll take care of your luggage. There's a ride waiting for you."

Oh, thank you, thank you, said Mr. S., and he and Ethel walked down the platform. Outside, they found a beautiful carriage with olive green cushions that matched the footman, and the horses had green bridles and bows in their manes and tails. They climbed in carefully. "Will he bring our luggage?" Ethel asked nervously.

I guess so, said Mr. Salteena, lighting a very long cigar.

“Should we tip him?” Ethel asked quietly.

Well, no, I don't think so. Not yet. We should just thank him politely.

Just then, the footman stumbled out with the luggage. Ethel gracefully bowed over the door of the carriage, and Mr. S. waved his [Pg 31] hand as each piece of luggage was lifted up to ensure it was all there. Then he said, "Thank you, my good fellow," very politely. "Not at all, sir," replied the footman, and tipping his hat, he jumped nimbly onto the box.

I was right not to tip him, whispered Mr. Salteena. The thing to do is leave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over.

Does he find it? Ethel asked, not really knowing how to carry on during a visit. "I believe so," Mr. Salteena replied. "Anyway, it’s quite the custom, and we can’t help it if he doesn’t." "Now, my dear, what do you think of the scenery?"

“Very nice,” Ethel said, looking at the luxurious fur rug on her lap. Just then, the carriage turned into a beautiful driveway lined with tall trees and large red flowers blooming among shiny dark leaves. Soon, the proud coachman brought the carriage to a noisy stop at a massive front door flanked by tall pillars, a big iron bell, and two impeccably clean door mats. The doors swung open as if by magic, making Ethel jump, and a stout butler appeared, sporting a very shiny shirt front and a large pale face. “Welcome, sir!” he exclaimed warmly as Mr. Salteena stepped down rather quickly from the vehicle. “Please, come inside.”

Mr. Salteena entered, followed by Ethel. The footman again struggled with the luggage, and the butler, named Francis Minnit, kindly helped. The hall was very large, adorned with guns and portraits of ancestors, giving it a gloomy yet impressive atmosphere. The butler then led them down a winding corridor until he reached a door, which he swung open, announcing, "Mr. Salteena and a lady, sir."

A tall 29-year-old man stood up from the sofa. He was a bit hunched in the middle, with really nice long legs, light brown hair, and blue eyes. "Hey, Alf, old buddy!" he exclaimed. "So, you made it here safe and sound with no broken limbs!"

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Bernard replied. Mr. Salteena shook hands and said, “Let me introduce [Pg 33]. Miss Monticue is very excited to be here for this visit.” “Oh yes,” Ethel gasped, her face turning red through her makeup. Bernard looked at her closely and blushed deeply. “I'm glad to see you,” he said. “I hope you enjoy it, but I haven’t arranged any parties yet since I don’t know anyone.”

"Don't worry," murmured Ethel. "I don't socialize much," and she gave him a delicate smile.

"I guess you’d like some tea," Bernard said. "I’ll ring for it."

Yes, we definitely should, said Mr. Salteena eagerly. Bernard rang the bell, and the butler entered with a dignified stride.

Tea, please, Minnit! cried Bernard Clark. “With pleasure, sir," replied Minnit, giving a deep bow. A beautiful tea then arrived on a gold tray with two kinds of bread and butter, a lovely jam roll, and lots of sugar cakes. Ethel's eyes began to sparkle, and she made several comments during the meal. "I expect [Pg 34] you’d like to unpack now,” said Bernard when it was over.

Well, yes, that's quite an idea, Mr. Salteena said.

I’ve given the best spare room to Miss Monticue, Bernard said with a charming bow, and yours—turning to Mr. Salteena—opens off it, so you’ll both be nice and friendly. Both rooms have large windows and a beautiful view.

“How charming,” said Ethel. “Yes, well, let’s go up,” replied Bernard, and he led the way up many winding stairways until they reached an oak door with lovely swans and bulrushes painted on it. “Here we are!” he cried cheerfully. Ethel’s room was indeed a beautiful space with purple silk curtains and a four-poster bed draped in the same shade. The toilet set was white and mauve, and there were some violets in an expensive vase. “Oh my, wow!” exclaimed Ethel in surprise. “I’m glad you like it,” said Bernard, “and here we have yours, Alf.” He opened [Pg 35] the dividing doors and revealed a smaller but charming room all in pale yellow and wild primroses. “My own room is next to the bathroom,” said Bernard. “It’s decorated in dark red because I have somber tastes. The bathroom has a flip-up basin and a hose for washing your hair.”

A good idea, Mr. Salteena said, secretly feeling jealous.

Here we’ll leave our friends to unpack and wrap up this Chapter.

When they had unpacked, Mr. Salteena and Ethel went downstairs for dinner. Mr. Salteena had put on a complete evening suit because he thought it was the right idea, along with some ruby studs he had bought on sale. Ethel wore a dress made of yellow silk covered with tulle, which was very fashionable, and she had on a necklace that Mr. Salteena had given her as a birthday gift. She looked very attractive and pretty, and Bernard let out a sigh as he offered her his arm to go into dinner. The butler, Minnit, was ready for the occasion, standing very stiffly, surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs named Charles and Horace.

Well said, Mr. Salteena, enjoying his [Pg 37] turtle soup. You have a really sumptuous house, Bernard.

His friend gave a tired smile and swallowed a few drops of sherry wine. "It's pretty decent," he replied with a shy glance at Ethel. "After our meal, I'll show you around the premises."

Many thanks, said Mr. Salteena, getting rather flustered with his forks.

You should throw a party, Ethel said, you have such spacious rooms.

Yes, there’s plenty of room, sighed Bernard. We could take a few steps, and in the meantime, I might meet some people.

So you might have responded, Ethel giving him a meaningful look.

Mr. Salteena was getting a bit grouchy, but he perked up when the port wine was served and the butler brought out some expensive finger bowls. He didn’t have any in his own house, so he took Bernard Clark's advice on how to use them. After dinner, Ethel played some [Pg 38] cheerful tunes on the piano, and Bernard joined in with a rather loud song in a deep voice, prompting Ethel to clap for him quite a bit. Then Mr. Salteena shared a few riddles since he wasn't musical. After that, Bernard asked, “Want me to show you my place?” and they walked into the dimly lit hall.

"I see you have a lot of ancestors," Mr. Salteena said in a jealous tone. "Who are they?"

Well said, Bernard; they’re all right. This is my Aunt Caroline. She was rather eccentric and quite old.

So I see, said Mr. Salteena, and he moved on to a woman with a very slim waist and an unusual shape. "That’s Mary Ann Fudge, my grandmother," Bernard said. "She was quite well known in her time."

Why? asked Ethel, who was rather curious by nature.

Well, I’m not really sure, said Bernard, but she was, and he moved on to the next picture. It was of a man with a chubby, smiling face and a red ribbon around him, along with a bunch of medals. My great-uncle Ambrose Fudge, Bernard said carelessly.

He looks like a thorough ancestor, Ethel said kindly.

Well, he was called Bernard in a proud tone; he was really the sinister son of Queen Victoria.

Not really, Ethel exclaimed in excited tones, but what does that mean?

Well, I don’t really know, said Bernard Clark. It puzzles me a lot, but ancestors can act strange at times.

"Maybe it means God’s son," said Mr. Salteena in an intelligent voice.

Well, I don't think so, said Bernard, but I intend to find out.

It’s really impressive anyway, Ethel said.

It is that, her host replied genuinely.

Who is this? said Mr. Salteena, stopping in front of a picture of a lady holding up some grapes and smiling a lot.

Her name was Minnie, Pilato responded Bernard. She was quite a ways back, [Pg 40] but she was a real relation, and she was engaged to the Earl of Tullyvarden; it just didn't work out.

What a pity, Ethel.

Yes, it was rather replied Bernard, but she married a Captain in the Navy and had seven children, so she was doing just fine.

Here, Mr. Salteena thought it would be best to go to bed since he had just had a long journey. Bernard always said a few prayers in the hall and had some whiskey afterward because he was rather pious, but Mr. Salteena wasn't very into prayers, so he headed straight to bed. Ethel stayed behind because she thought it would be a good thing. The butler came in since he was a very holy man, and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a nice hymn called "I Will Keep My Anger Down," followed by a Decade of the Rosary. Ethel quietly joined in, and Francis Minnit was very devout, making Ethel think about what a good holy family she was staying with. So, I will end my chapter.

Mr. Salteena woke up quite early the next day and was surprised and delighted to see Horace the footman coming in with a cup of tea.

Oh thank you, my man, said Mr. Salteena, rolling over in the expensive bed. Mr. Clark is almost out of the bath, sir, announced Horace. I would be happy to turn it on for you if that's what you want. Well, yes, you can, said Mr. Salteena, realizing it was the idea, and Horace gave a deep bow.

Ethel, are you getting up? shouted Mr. Salteena.

Very nearly, Ethel replied softly from the next room.

I said, Mr. Salteena exclaimed excitedly, "I just had some tea in bed." [Pg 42]

I have replied, Ethel.

Then Mr. Salteena put on a mauve dressing gown with yellow tassels and grabbed his soap before heading to the bathroom, which was quite luxurious. It had a lovely white shiny bathtub and sparkling faucets, along with several towels neatly arranged by thoughtful Horace. It even had a step to help get in and out of the tub and other nice features typically found in wealthy homes. Mr. Salteena washed himself thoroughly and felt much better afterward. After breakfast, Mr. Salteena asked Bernard if they could have a private conversation. "Sure," replied Bernard, "if you come into my study, we can chat for a bit."

Can't I come too? muttered Ethel sulkily.

No, my dear, said Mr. Salteena, this is private.

Perhaps later I could have a private chat with you, Miss Monticue, Bernard said kindly.

Oh, come on, said Ethel.

Then Bernard and Mr. S. walked to the study and sat in two armchairs. "Go ahead," said Bernard, lighting his pipe. "Well, I can't exactly do that," Mr. Salteena replied slowly, "It's a serious matter, and I know you can help me, as you're a thorough gentleman, I'm sure."

Well, yes, said Bernard. What can I do for you, eh Alf?

"You can help me maybe to be more like a gentleman," said Mr. Salteena, getting rather heated. "I’m fine, as they say, but I would like to be the real deal. Can it be done?" he added, slapping his knees.

I don’t really know, said Bernard. It might take a while.

“Might it,” said Mr. S., “but I would work for years if I had to.” Bernard scratched his head. “Why don’t you try the Crystal Palace?” he asked. “Several people, earls and even dukes, have private compartments there.”

But I'm not an Earl, Mr. Salteena said in a confused tone. [Pg 44]

"True," Bernard replied, "but I get that there are some students there who want to get into the War Office and prestigious banks."

"Would that be helpful?" asked Mr. Salteena eagerly.

“Well, it might,” said Bernard. “I can give you a letter to my old friend, the Earl of Clincham, who lives there. He might be able to help you, and by associating with him, you would probably become more respectable.”

Oh, thank you so much, said Mr. Salteena. I will go there as soon as it can be arranged. If you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel while I'm away.

Oh yes, Bernard said, I might head to the city for a few days, and she could come along too.

"You’re too kind," said Mr. Salteena, "and I don’t think you’ll find her any trouble."

No, I don't think I will, said Bernard. She’s a pretty girl, cheerful and lively. And he blushed quite a bit.

About 9 o’clock the next morning, Mr. Salteena stood with his bag in hand in the ancestral hall, waiting for the vehicle to take him to the station. Bernard Clark and Ethel were sitting side by side on an expensive sofa, gazing blankly at the departing guest. Horace had rushed off to put on his fancy hat since he was going in the barouche, but Francis Minnit was wandering around the hall, ready for anything.

Well said, Bernard, puffing on his meerschaum pipe. I hope you do well, Alf. I’m sure you have that little letter for old Clincham, right?

Actually, I’ve thanked Mr. Salteena a lot for it, and I really hope Ethel will act appropriately. [Pg 46]

Oh yes, I expect she will, Bernard said with a sigh.

I always do, Ethel said sharply.

Just then, there was a loud clatter outside, along with the sound of hooves and a big neigh. "I guess that’s the barouche," said Bernard, standing up slowly.

Quite right, sir, said Minnit, throwing open the doors.

Well, goodbye, Alf, the old man said. Bernard Clark wished him good luck and added in a pious tone, "God bless you."

Not at all, said Mr. Salteena. I’ve enjoyed my stay, which has been short and sweet. Well, goodbye, Ethel, my dear, he said, as he grabbed his bag and headed for the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small parcel to Mr. Salteena. “A few sandwiches for the journey, sir,” he said.

Oh, this is really nice, said Mr. Salteena.

Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. "Not kind, sir," he muttered, quite normally.

Oh really, said Mr. Salteena, feeling quite astonished. Well, goodbye, my good fellow, and he slipped 2/6 into the butler's open palm.

Mr. Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace rushed to buy the ticket, which he presented with a low bow along with the Times and Tit-Bits. "Oh, thank you so much, my man," said Mr. Salteena in a very casual voice. "Now, will you find me a corner seat on the train, huh?"

If there's one, sir, replied Horace.

In got Mr. Salteena to his first-class carriage, surrounded by his luggage carefully stacked up by the kind Horace. The other passengers looked at Horace with envy for his curly white wig and green plush uniform. Mr. Salteena crossed his legs in a dignified way and draped a fur rug over his knees, although he was hot enough, to be honest. He began to feel this was just the beginning and smiled as he gently tapped the letter in his pocket. When Mr. Salteena arrived in [Pg 48] London, he started to stroll up the main streets, thinking how cheerful everything was. Soon he spotted a restaurant with a big menu outside and went in confidently.

It was a sumptuous place all decorated in gold with lots of mirrors. Many handsome ladies and gentlemen were already enjoying delicious food and fine wines and whiskey, and the atmosphere was very lively. Mr. Salteena had a little whiskey to help him feel more at ease. Then he ate some curry to the rhythm of a cheerful waltz played by the band. He kept time with the music and smiled warmly at the waiters, feeling very excited inside. "I'm experiencing life to the fullest," he muttered to himself as he paid his bill at the counter. Outside, Mr. Salteena spotted a tall policeman. "Could you please direct me to the Crystal Palace?" Mr. Salteena asked nervously.

Well said the genius policeman. My advice would be to take a cab, sir. [Pg 49]

Oh, Mr. Salteena said, then I will do that.

He called a cab and quickly hopped into the Crystal Palace. He exclaimed happily, holding his bag on his lap, ready to take in the sights of the metropolis. It was a fun ride, and before long, the Palace came into view. Mr. Salteena jumped out, paid the driver, and then entered the magnificent building. His heart raced as two big men in gold braid swung the doors open. Inside was a beautiful fountain in the center, surrounded by little stalls where you could buy sweets, lemonade, scented handkerchiefs, and various delicate items. There were a lot of people, but no one particularly noteworthy.

At last, after buying two bottles of perfume and some pretty nice candies that stuck to his teeth, Mr. Salteena saw a wooden door with a sign nailed to it that said "To the Private Compartments."

"Ah ha," Mr. Salteena said to himself, "this is [Pg 50] clearly my next move," and he gently pushed open the door, straightening his top hat as he did. Inside, he found himself in a dimly lit hallway with a thick, elegant carpet. Mr. Salteena looked around and saw, in the shadows, a very distinguished gentleman in full evening attire, who was reading a newspaper and warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr. Salteena tiptoed forward and cleared his throat softly since the gentleman had not noticed him so far. However, at the second cough, the gentleman lifted his eyes wearily. "Do you need something?" he asked in a most distinguished voice.

Mr. Salteena became really flustered. "Um, I'm looking for the Earl of Clincham," he started in a shaky voice. "Are you, by any chance, him?" he added most respectfully.

“No, not exactly,” replied the other. “My name is Edward Procurio. I’m half Italian, and I am the Groom of the Chambers.” [Pg 51]

What chambers? asked Mr. Salteena, blinking his eyes.

These words were spoken by Edward Procurio, waving a slender arm.

Mr. Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on each one. "Oh, I see," he said. "Maybe you can tell me where to find the Earl of Clincham."

At the end of the passage, the fourth door down, Procurio said casually, "Of course, he might be out. You never know what they're up to."

I guess not, said Mr. Salteena in an interested tone.

One can't really bet on anything, said Procurio, returning to the hot water pipes, though I know a lot more than most people about the inmates here.

What are the habits of the Earl of Clincham? asked Mr. Salteena.

Procurio smiled in various ways and replied, "I can’t say much given my position, but one lives and learns." He sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

Well, good day, said Mr. Salteena, feeling better after the chat.

Procurio nodded quietly as Mr. Salteena walked down the hallway. Finally, he reached a door marked "Clincham Earl of" in big letters. With his heart racing, Mr. Salteena rang the bell, and the door opened by itself. At the same time, a cheerful voice called out from a distance, "Come in, please! I'm in the study, first door on the left."

With a nervous jump, Mr. Salteena followed these directions and found himself in a small but lovely compartment decorated in dark green leather with crests on the chairs. Above the mantelpiece hung a painting of a lady in a low-cut dress, looking quite elegant. Sitting at the desk was a tall man, about 35, with very nice, twinkly eyes and curly hair. He wore a simple suit in the lightest shade of gray, but it was well-made, and on the table rested a gray top hat that had clearly been on his head recently. He also had a rose in his buttonhole and a signet ring.

Huh, said this nice guy as Mr. Salteena was mesmerized on the mat.

Hullo, my Lord, our hero said, bowing low and dropping his top hat. Am I addressing the Earl of Clincham?

You do, said the Earl with a friendly smile, and whom should I address, huh?

Our hero bowed again. "Alfred Salteena," he said in a deep voice.

Oh, I see, said the friendly earl. Well, come in, my friend, and tell me who you are.

Mr. Salteena sat down cautiously on the edge of a fancy chair.

To be honest, my Lord, I’m not anyone important, and I’m not a gentleman, as they say. He ended up getting really red and hot.

“Have some whiskey,” said Lord Clincham, and he poured the liquid into a glass at his [Pg 54] elbow. Mr. Salteena gratefully lapped it up.

Well, my friend, said the good-natured earl, what I mean is, what does it matter? We can't all be of the royal blood, can we?

"No," said Mr. Salteena, "but I guess you are."

Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. "A small portion flows in my veins," he said, "but it doesn't worry me at all. And after all," he added piously, "at the Day of Judgment, what will be the odds?"

Mr. Salteena sighed. "I was thinking about this world," he said.

Oh, I see, said the Earl, but my own idea is that these things are just nonsense.

Not being an earl, I can’t say, replied our hero, but may I ask you to read this letter, my Lord? He pulled out Bernard’s note from his coat pocket. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what he read.

The Earl cleared his throat a bit and looked at Mr. Salteena thoughtfully.

"Do you have a lot of money?" he asked, "and are you ready to spend a good amount?"

Oh yes, Mr. Salteena gasped, I have plenty in the bank and £10 in cash in my wallet. [Pg 56]

You see, these compartments are the hangouts of the aristocracy, said the earl, and they're maintained by people who have something quirky in their family and want to feel less ordinary, if you can understand.

Indeed, I can, said Mr. Salteena.

Personally, I'm a bit partial to regular people, said his Lordship, but the point is that we charge a decent amount for our training here. However, if you can’t pay, you don’t have to join.

I can and will, Mr. Salteena proclaimed, and he put a £10 note on the desk. His Lordship slipped it into his trouser pocket. "It’ll be £42 by the time I’m done with you," he said, "but you can pay me here and there as it suits you."

Oh, thank you! cried Mr. Salteena.

Not at all, said the Earl, and now let’s get to business. While you're here, you'll stay in the basement areas known as Lower Range. The Groom of the Chambers will give you plenty of advice about clothes and etiquette for serving staff. You’ll spend time with me for grammar lessons, and I might take you hunting or shooting occasionally to offer some tips. I also host a lot of ladies' parties that you will attend from time to time.

Mr. Salteena's eyes sparkled with excitement. "I'm going to enjoy that!" he exclaimed.

His Lordship coughed loudly. "You can’t get married while you’re still in training," he said firmly.

Oh, I won’t need to thank you, said Mr. Salteena.

You also need to choose a profession, his Lordship said, as your training will depend on that.

Could I be anything at Buckingham Palace? said Mr. Salteena with sparkling eyes.

Oh well, I don’t really know, said the noble earl, but you might want to try galloping alongside the royal carriage if you’re interested.

Oh, I definitely should, cried Mr. Salteena. I really enjoy fresh air and royalty.

Well said the earl with a knowing smile [Pg 58] I could arrange it with the Prince of Wales, whom I'm rather close with.

Not really, gasped Mr. Salteena.

Dear me, yes, remarked the earl casually, and if we decide that you should gallop by the royal carriage, you need to be measured for some plush knickerbockers right away.

Mr. Salteena looked at his rather chubby legs and sighed.

Well, I have to head out now and visit a few dowagers, said his Lordship, picking up his elegant top hat. Well, au revoir, he added with a good French accent.

Adieu, my Lord! Mr. Salteena exclaimed, not wanting to be outdone. I assume we’ll meet again soon.

Not until tomorrow, replied the earl. You should now head down to the lower levels where you'll surely find tea. He nodded kindly and quietly slipped away.

Here I will conclude my chapter.

Mr. Salteena woke up the next morning in his small but cozy room. It was decorated in green and white, with monograms on the toilet set. He had a tiny white bed covered with a green quilt and pictures of the Nativity and Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these things as Mr. Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," called Mr. Salteena, and in walked Edward Procurio, balancing a tray very skillfully. He looked quite elegant with his shiny black hair, pale yellow skin, and slightly closed eyes. He smiled in a very mysterious and superior way as he placed the tray on Mr. Salteena's lap.

Your morning drink he announced and [Pg 60] started to raise the blinds, still smiling to himself.

Oh, thank you! cried Mr. Salteena, feeling very out of place compared to this impressive guy. Then, to his surprise, Procurio started to open the wardrobe and look at Mr. Salteena's suits, making Italian exclamations under his breath. Mr. Salteena didn't dare say a word, so he quickly swallowed his tea and ate a Marie biscuit. Soon, Procurio approached the bed with a bright blue serge suit. "Will you wear this today, sir?" he asked quietly.

Oh, for sure, said Mr. Salteena.

And a clean shirt wouldn’t hurt, said Procurio. How about this pale blue and white striped one?

With pleasure, Mr. Salteena replied. Then Procurio arranged them neatly, along with a razor and a brush for shaving. After that, he opened a door and said, "This is the bathroom. Should I turn on hot or cold?" [Pg 61]

I don’t mind, said Mr. Salteena, feeling very hot and clueless.

"It’s best if you make the decision, sir," Procurio said firmly.

Well, I'll give it a shot, cold, said Mr. Salteena, thinking it was more manly to say that. Procurio bowed and retreated to the bathroom. Then he came back and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed up, he'd find his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr. Salteena was dressed in his best blue suit and clean shirt, he strolled into the sitting room, where a cheerful canary was singing its heart out in the window and a couple of doves were cooing in a wicker cage. A pleasant aroma welcomed him as Procurio glided in with some steaming coffee. Mr. Salteena felt more at home and made a few comments about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered some delicious kidneys on toast, and as he did, he leaned in and whispered in Mr. Salteena's ear, "You could've come in your dressing gown." [Pg 62]

Mr. Salteena jumped. "Oh, can I?" he said. "Ten thousand thanks!"

Then Procurio passed out and Mr. Salteena finished his kidneys and whistled to the birds, lighting a cigarette from a nice purple box he found on the desk. Then Procurio came back in and, with a bow, said, "His lordship is going to a levee this morning and thought it might be fun for you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 o'clock?"

Oh yes, what fun! said Mr. Salteena. Do you have any idea what a levie is, my man?

Procurio gave a superior smile. It's a party hosted by the Queen for very important people, but this one is organized by the Prince of Wales since the Queen isn't quite herself today. It will be at Buckingham Palace, so you'll be driving with his lordship.

Mr. Salteena was extremely excited. What should I wear? he gasped.

Well, of course you should have black satin knickerbockers and a hat with white feathers, plus some garters and a star or two.

"You surprise me," said Mr. Salteena. "I don't have any of those items."

Well said, Procurio. Kindly, his lordship will lend you his second-best cocked hat since you're required to wear one. I think with a little thought, I can fix you up so you’ll pass muster.

Then they rummaged through Mr. Salteena's things, and Procurio got really smart and advised Mr. Salteena to wear his black evening suit and roll up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings, which he secured tightly around his knees with red rosettes. Then he quickly cut out a star from silver paper and pinned it to his chest, adding a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Mr. Salteena then looked at himself in the mirror. "Is it a costume party?" he asked.

No, they always were like that, but just wait until you see his Lordship—if you’re ready, sir, I’ll lead you in. [Pg 64]

Mr. Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs until they reached the Earl's compartments and knocked on the bedroom door.

"Come in!" called a cheerful voice, and they walked in.

I’ve done my best with Mr. Salteena, my lord. I trust he will take care of the hat, which will definitely make a big difference.

Mr. Salteena nervously bowed, wishing he had gotten the right knickerbockers since his pants didn’t feel very secure, despite the garters.

"Not bad at all!" shouted the earl. "Try on the hat, Salteena; it's on my bed." Mr. Salteena put it on his head, and the feathers and gold braid suited him really well, but he felt very jealous of the earl, who looked incredible. The earl wore proper satin knickerbockers with diamond clasps and buckled shoes, along with black silk stockings that highlighted his long, fine legs. He had a loose shirt made of the softest muslin, complete with a real lace collar and cuffs. A sword hung at [Pg 65] his side, a crimson sash was around his waist, and a magnificent cocked hat sat atop his head. His blue eyes sparkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.

Well, come on, Salteena, he shouted, and don't be nervous. I'll get you a pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a handsome Procurio?

Currently, the earl and Mr. Salteena were making their way to Buckingham Palace.

You won’t mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssop, will you? said the earl as he lit his pipe. You see, you’re kind of connected to the family, so it won’t matter and will look better.

So Mr. Salteena said, what do we do at the levee?

Oh, we stroll around and eat ice cream and champagne and that sort of thing, and sometimes there’s a bit of music.

"Is there any dancing?" asked Mr. Salteena.

Well, not always, said the Earl.

I’m happy about that, said Mr. Salteena. I’m not as quick as I used to be, and my garters are a bit tight.

Sometimes we discuss the laws and politics, said the earl, if Her Majesty is in that kind of mood.

Just then, the impressive building came into view, and Mr. Salteena licked his dry lips at the sight of the huge crowd. All around were carriages filled with wealthy people, and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards keeping away the common folks who had gathered to watch the nobility arrive. Lord Clincham began to bow left and right, raising his cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly chatter as the cab finally pulled up at the front door. Two tall Life Guards swung the doors open, and one of them kindly tipped the cab driver. Mr. Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps, trying to feel as comfortable as possible. Then, a dapper guy in a red tunic and a sort of black velvet tam o' shanter stepped forward from the crowd, shouting, "What name, please?"

The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly responded, with the earl gently nudging Mr. Salteena to step up. Mr. Salteena nodded and blinked at the servant, as if to say everything is fine, and then he and the earl hung their fancy hats on two hooks. "This way," called a deep voice, and another servant appeared wearing stiff white trousers, tall boots, and a green velvet coat with a leather belt, along with a very shiny top hat. They followed this man down countless corridors until they finally reached a pair of large folding doors. The earl twirled his mustache and slapped his leg with his white glove as calmly as possible. Mr. Salteena perspired quite a bit and adjusted his garters just to be sure.

Then the doors opened and their names were called out in unison by countless servants. The sumptuous room was packed with noblemen dressed like the earl in satin knickerbockers and other fine attire, along with [Pg 68] ladies of all colors, wearing long trains and extravagant jewelry. You could hardly move in the lively crowd. Dukes were as common as a good number of princes and archdukes, as it was indeed a very prestigious gathering. The earl and Mr. Salteena made their way through the crowd until they reached a platform draped in white velvet. Here, on a golden chair, sat the Prince of Wales in a beautiful ermine cloak and a small yet expensive crown. He was chatting quite amiably with some of the guests.

Up climbed the earl, closely followed by Mr. Salteena, who was moving at top speed.

Hullo, Clincham! the Prince said casually, sounding friendly and not at all formal. I'm so glad you showed up—what a mess, huh?

"A bit overwhelming, your Highness," said the earl, who was quite used to all this. "May I introduce my friend, Lord Hyssops? He is staying with me, so I thought I would bring him along, if you don't mind, Prince."

Not at all, the friendly prince exclaimed, looking [Pg 69] rather surprised. Mr. Salteena bowed so low he almost fell off the platform, and as the prince reached out a hand, Mr. Salteena thought it would be best to kiss it. The prince smiled warmly and said, "I’m pleased to see you, Lord Hyssops," in a royal tone.

Then the Earl added, “How is the dear Queen?” he said respectfully.

"Not doing so well," said his Highness. "She feels the heat, poor thing," and he waved to a sign that read in big letters, "The Queen is indisposed."

Presently, His Highness stood up. "I think I'll have a quiet glass of champagne," he said. "Come too, Clincham, and bring your friend. The diplomats are arriving, and I'm not in the mood for deep discussions. I've already signed a dozen documents, so I've done my part."

They all exited through a private door and entered a smaller but stunning room. The Prince tapped on the table, and immediately two attendants in red tunics showed up. [Pg 70] “Bring three glasses of champagne,” the Prince ordered, and “some ice,” he added majestically. The items appeared as if by magic, and the Prince took out a cigar case and passed it around.

One gets tired of Court Life, he remarked.

Oh yes, agreed, the earl.

"It really bothers me," said the prince, enjoying his strawberry ice. "All I want is peace and quiet, and a little fun. But here I am, stuck in this life," he said, removing his crown. "Being royal has a lot of painful drawbacks."

True, thought the Earl.

Silence fell and the music from the band could be heard from the next room. Suddenly, the prince looked at Mr. Salteena. "Who did you say you were?" he asked, sounding confused.

Lord Hyssops replied, our hero turning purple at the lie.

Well, you’re not anything like the Lord. [Pg 71] Hyssops, I know, replied the Prince. Could you explain what’s going on?

Mr. Salteena looked on helplessly at the earl, who had gone very pale and seemed momentarily lost. However, he quickly regained his composure.

He’s actually fine, really, Prince, he said. His mother was named Miss Hyssops of the Glen.

Indeed, His Royal Highness said that sounds right, but who was your father, huh?

Then Mr. Salteena thought he wouldn’t lie, so in trembling tones he muttered, "My poor father was just a butcher, your Highness, a very honest one, I should add, and quite wealthy. He was called Dominic Salteena, and my name is Alfred Salteena."

The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rather admired Mr. Salteena for his honest words—"Oh, I see," he said. "Well, why did you pass yourself off to my servants as Lord Hyssops, huh?"

Mr. Salteena wiped his sweating brow, but [Pg 72] the earl came to the rescue. "My fault entirely, Prince," he said, "as I was bringing him to this very superior levee. I thought it would be better to say he was of noble birth. Have I offended your royal dignity?"

Not much, said the prince. It was a commendable idea, and maybe I'll invite Mr. Salteena to one of my big parties someday.

Oh, your Highness, gasped our hero, falling to one knee. That would really be a treat.

I guess, Prince, you don't have a job available at this palace because my friend asked the earl. You see, I'm getting him acquainted with society, and he thinks a court life could be a profession.

Oh, does he? said the prince, blinking his eyes. Well, I might see.

I suggested that if there was a vacancy, he might try cantering after the royal carriage, said the earl.

So he said the prince, "I'll talk to the Prime Minister about it and let you know." [Pg 73]

"Thank you so much!" exclaimed Mr. Salteena, bowing deeply.

Well, I need to head back to the party, the prince said, putting on his crown. I've scheduled a waltz with the Archduchess of Greenwich, and this is her favorite song. With that, they went back into the large room where the nobility were dancing happily, while the more serious attendees, like the prime minister and the admirals, were enjoying ice cream and discussing the laws in quiet tones.

The earl quickly joined in a lively set of lancers, but Mr. Salteena didn't dare to join because of his trousers. Instead, he sat on a velvet chair and enjoyed listening to the intelligent conversation of the prime minister. Now, let's leave our hero as he enjoys his taste of high society and turn back to Ethel Monticue.

After Mr. Salteena left, Bernard Clark thought he would give Ethel a tour of his house, so they spent a fun morning doing just that. Ethel made cheerful comments about all the rooms, and Bernard thought she was really beautiful, which made Ethel a little excited. After a lovely lunch, they sat in the dim hall, and Ethel felt very happy that Mr. Salteena wasn't there. Suddenly, Bernard lit his pipe and said passionately, "What do you think about going up to London for a week of fun?"

"Who?" Ethel asked in a low voice.

You and I, said Bernard, I know of several fantastic hotels, and we could go to theaters and parties and have a great time. [Pg 75] So we could? What an idea! cried Ethel.

So the cheerful plan was all set, and they spent the afternoon packing their trunks. The next day, they were all ready in the hall when the handsome vehicle clattered up again. Ethel was wearing her blue velvet outfit, a pretty new hat, and had plenty of blush on her face, looking like a perfect match for Bernard, who was dressed in a white shiny raincoat, top boots, and a well-brushed top hat secured with a piece of black elastic.

Well, goodbye Minnit, he shouted to the gloomy butler. Take care of your gout and the silver, and I’ll pay you when I get back.

"Thank you kindly, sir," Minnit murmured. "When can I expect your return?"

Oh well, I’ll wire, he said, and dashed down the steps.

Ethel walked with delicate, feminine steps, having politely nodded to Minnit, who closed his eyes in appreciation of her gesture. [Pg 76] The sun was shining, and Ethel felt like she was heading to a really fun party. She felt sorry for all the people passing by who weren’t going to London with Bernard.

Arrived in the lively city, Bernard hailed a cab like a pro and got in, followed by Ethel. “Please take us to the Gaiety Hotel,” he said in a confident tone. The cab driver flicked his whip, and off they went.

We’ll be very comfortable and choosey at the Gaiety, Bernard said, and he thought to himself how lovely it would be if he were married to Ethel. He blushed deeply at his own thoughts and glanced sideways at Ethel, who was looking out the window. Well, you never know, he murmured to himself, and as one of the poets says, great events spring from trivial causes.

Just then, they stopped at the lively hotel, and Ethel was captivated by the size of the grand hall. Bernard leaned his head into the window of the reception desk. "Do you have a couple of bedrooms for myself and this young lady?" he asked in a commanding tone.

A very beautiful woman with golden hair and a lace apron looked at a book and quickly replied, "Oh yes, sir, two beauties on the 1st floor, numbers 9 and 10."

"Thank you," said Bernard. "We'll go up if you don't mind."

None at all, sir, said the friendly lady. The beds are nicely aired out, and the view is quite nice.

“Come on, Ethel!” Bernard exclaimed. “This sounds good, right?”

Oh, definitely, said Ethel with a bright smile.

They went upstairs and entered room number 9, a lovely space with a big comfy bed and white doors with glass handles that led into room number 10, which was also charming but a bit smaller.

Which one will you have? Ethel asked Bernard.

Oh well, I would rather you handle it [Pg 78] said Ethel. I'm okay with your decision.

"The best will be yours," Bernard said, bowing elegantly and gesturing toward the largest room.

Ethel flushed at his intense gaze. "I’ll feel completely lost in that giant bed," she added to cover her embarrassment.

Yes, I expect you will, said Bernard, and now how about a little table d'hôte followed by a show?

Oh yes, Ethel exclaimed, and they headed downstairs.

I’ll tell you what Ethel told Bernard Clark about a week later: we might go visit my friend, the Earl of Clincham.

Oh, come on, let’s go! cried Ethel, who was up for any new adventure. I would really love to meet his lordship.

Bernard frowned with jealousy at her rather simple words.

Well, dress in your best, he muttered.

Ethel skipped into her bedroom and dressed in a grass green muslin with a decent cut, a lace scarf, long fawn-colored kid gloves, and a matching muslin hat. She carried a parasol in one hand and a green silk bag that held a few stray hairpins, a clean handkerchief, five shillings, and a pot of rouge just in case. She looked like a delicate vision [Pg 80] with her fair hair blowing in the breeze, and Bernard bit his lips rather hard, as he could barely contain himself and felt he had to marry Ethel soon. He looked quite handsome himself in some exquisite white trousers, a silk shirt, and a pale blue blazer, belt, and cap. He wore this in honor of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his youth, just like Bernard Clark.

At last, they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale palace and quickly made their way to the private compartments. Edward Procurio was pacing up and down the passage, looking dark and mysterious as always.

"Is His Lordship home?" Bernard Clark called out cheerfully.

Which one asked Procurio, "How many lords live here?" he said with disdain.

Well, I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.

Oh yes, he is, replied Procurio, and I believe he’s throwing a party. [Pg 81]

Indeed, Bernard exclaimed, we’ve arrived just in time! Ethel, he added. Yes, Ethel replied, sounding excited.

Then they rang the bell and the door swung open. Laughter and funny songs filled the house, and in an instant they were in the packed living room. It was crowded with all the high society, and a plump duchess with a friendly face was singing a lively tune, bringing a lot of joy. The earl stepped forward when he spotted the two newcomers. "Hey Bernard, old friend!" he exclaimed. "What a delight! And who have you brought with you?" he added, glancing at Ethel.

Oh, this is Miss Monticue, Bernard said. Should I introduce you?

If you wouldn't mind, said the Earl in a friendly tone, and Bernard quickly did what was asked. Ethel started a lively conversation while Bernard wandered off to see if he could spot any friends in the crowd. [Pg 82]

What lovely rooms you have! Ethel exclaimed in quite a social tone.

Fairly so, responded the Earl. "Do you live in London?" he added in a loud voice as someone was playing a very difficult piece on the piano.

Well, no, I don't, Ethel said. My home is actually in Northumberland, but right now, I'm staying with Mr. Clark at the Gaiety Hotel, she continued in a somewhat boastful tone.

Oh, I see, said the earl. Well, should I introduce you to some of my friends?

Of please do, said Ethel, with a delicate tap on her nose.

The earl disappeared into the bustling crowd and soon returned with a middle-aged gentleman. “This is Lord Hyssops,” he said, “my friend, Miss Monticue,” he added with a friendly smile.

Ethel turned a dull yellow. "Lord Hyssops," she said in a faint voice, "it's Mr. Salteena. I know him well." [Pg 83]

"Hush," cried the Earl, "it's a title recently bestowed by my friend, the Prince of Wales."

Yes indeed, murmured Mr. Salteena, deeply stunned by the earl's quick wit.

Oh, really, said Ethel in a annoyed tone, so how did you end up here?

I’m staying with his Lordship, said Mr. Salteena, and I have a set of compartments in the basement, so there.

"I don’t care," said huffy Ethel. "I'm in beautiful rooms at the Gaiety."

Nothing could be nicer, I'm sure... What do you say? Hyssops, huh?

"Doubtless, it's charming," said Mr. Salteena, who was looking for peace. "Tell me, Ethel, how did you leave Bernard?"

"I haven't left him," Ethel said in an annoying tone. "I'm staying with him at the gaiety, and we've been to a lot of theaters and dances."

Well, I'm glad you're having a good time, Mr. Salteena said kindly. You had been looking a bit pale lately. [Pg 84]

No wonder in your stuffy place, Ethel exclaimed. "Do you have any more friends?" she asked, turning to the earl.

Well, I’ll see, said the accommodating earl, and he once again disappeared.

"I don't know why you would turn against me," Ethel said, Mr. Salteena in a low tone.

Ethel patted her hair and looked quite condescending. "Well, I think it’s pretty mysterious you going off and getting a title," said Ethel, "and I believe our friendship should end since you’ll probably be marrying a duchess or something soon."

Not at all, said Mr. Salteena. "You must know, Ethel," he said, blushing a deep red, "I've always wanted to marry you some day."

"This is news to me!" Ethel exclaimed, still annoyed.

But not to me, murmured Mr. Salteena, his voice shaking in his chest. I should mention that I've always loved you, and now I feel like I love you madly, he added passionately. [Pg 85]

But I don't love you, responded Ethel.

But if you married me, you might get to, said Mr. Salteena.

"I don’t think so," Ethel replied, "but it's really nice of you to ask." She smiled at him more warmly.

This is unbearable, cried Mr. Salteena, gripping a table. My life will be nothing but sour grapes and ashes without you.

Be a man, Ethel said softly, and I will always think of you warmly.

“Well, half a loaf is better than no bread,” Mr. Salteena replied in a gloomy tone, just as the earl reappeared with a very lively lady in a tight silk dress named Lady Gay Finchling. Her husband had been a general but had passed away a few years ago. “So, this is Miss Monticue,” she began in a rather high voice. “Oh yes,” Ethel replied, and Mr. Salteena wiped the sweat from his forehead. Little did Lady [Pg 86] Gay Finchling know, she had just interrupted a marriage proposal.

The Earl joined the conversation now and then, and Lady Gay Finchling shared a few rather witty stories to liven up the party. Then Bernard Clark approached and said they should get going.

Well, goodbye, Clincham, he said. I must say I really enjoyed this party; I’d call it quite a rehash, don’t you think, Ethel?

Most cried Ethel. “I guess you often visit,” she added with a hint of envy, to Lady Gay Finchling.

Pretty often, Lady G. F. said goodbye, noticing that you were in a hurry to leave, and she hurried off toward the refreshment area.

"Goodbye," Ethel said, while poor Mr. Salteena, in a spasm, grabbed her hand. "You will one day regret your cruel words. Farewell," he repeated emphatically.

Oh well, goodbye, said Ethel in a vague tone, and then turning to the earl, she said [Pg 87] I’ve really enjoyed myself, thank you.

Please don't mention it, cried the earl. "Well, goodbye, Bernard," he added. "I'll look you up someday at your hotel."

Yes, do, muttered Bernard, always welcome, Clincham, old boy, he added, placing his blue cricket cap on his head, and with that, he and Ethel left the lively scene and once again made their way into the streets of London.

The next morning, while sipping his tea under his pink silk quilt, Bernard decided he had to marry Ethel without any more delay. "I love the girl," he said to himself, "and she has to be mine. But somehow, I feel like I can't propose in London; it wouldn't be appropriate in the city." He thought they should spend a day in the countryside, and when he was surrounded by the cheerful chirping of the birds and the scent of the cows, he would lay his proposal at her feet. He waved his arm excitedly at the happy thought. Then he jumped out of bed and knocked on Ethel's door.

Are you awake, my dear? he called.

Well, not exactly, Ethel said quickly as she jumped out of her cozy spot.

"Come on, hurry up!" Bernard shouted. "I've got a plan to [Pg 89] spend a day by Windsor Castle, and we can grab some lunch and have a great time."

Oh hurrah! shouted Ethel. I’ll be ready soon since I had my bath last night, so I won’t need to wash much now.

"No, don't," said Bernard, adding in a rather intense tone through the crack of the door, "you are fresher than the rose, my dear; no soap could make you any fairer."

Then he hurried off, feeling really embarrassed to get dressed. Ethel blushed and felt a bit excited as she heard his words, and she put on a new white muslin dress in a burst of high spirits. She looked very beautiful with some red roses in her hat, and the delicate red blush in her cheeks looked just right. Bernard let out a sigh, and his eyes sparkled as he saw her. Ethel thought to herself what a great example of manhood he represented, with his nice slim legs in pale brown trousers, well-fitted spats, a red rose in his buttonhole, and a rather sporty cap that gave him a distinguished look with its unique check and little flaps to pull down if needed. Off they went, the envy of all the waiters. [Pg 90]

They arrived at Windsor feeling really hot from the journey, and Bernard immediately rented a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel couldn’t row, but she loved watching Bernard’s strong, sunburned arms pulling at the oars while she relaxed on the soft cushions of the charming boat. She had a rather lazy personality, but Bernard didn’t know this. However, he soon became exhausted and suggested having lunch by the mossy bank.

Oh yes, Ethel said quickly, opening the sparkling champagne.

"Don't spill any!" cried Bernard as he carved some chicken.

They ate and drank heartily from the delicious dishes, finishing off with meringues and chocolates.

Let’s now relax under the wide trees, Bernard said passionately.

Oh yes, let's, said Ethel as she opened her [Pg 91] delicate parasol and sank down onto the long green grass. She closed her eyes, but she was far from asleep. Bernard sat beside her in deep silence, gazing at her pink face and long wavy eyelashes. He puffed at his pipe for a while while the larks sang cheerfully in the blue sky. Then he inched a little closer to Ethel's form.

Ethel, he murmured in a shaky voice.

Oh, what is it? Ethel said quickly as she sat up.

“Words fail me,” Bernard exclaimed. “My passion for you is intense,” he added passionately. “It has grown day and night since I first laid eyes on you.”

“Oh,” said Ethel in surprise, “I am not prepared for this,” and she leaned back against the trunk of the tree.

Bernard wrapped one arm around her tightly. "When will you marry me, Ethel?" he said. "You have to be my wife. It’s come to that. I love you so intensely that if you say no, I’ll have no choice but to throw myself into that muddy river over there," he panted wildly.

Oh, don't do that, Ethel pleaded, breathing quite heavily.

Then say you love me, he cried.

Oh Bernard, she sighed passionately, I certainly love you madly. You are to me like a heathen god, she exclaimed, gazing at his strong build and handsome, radiant face. I will definitely marry you.

How soon Bernard gasped, staring at her intently.

As soon as possible, Ethel said softly, closing her eyes.

My darling, Bernard whispered as he pulled her into his arms. We’re getting married next week.

Oh Bernard, Ethel muttered, this is so sudden.

No, no, Bernard shouted, and seizing the opportunity, he kissed her passionately on her delicate face. "My bride-to-be," he murmured several times. [Pg 93]

Ethel shook with joy as she heard the magical words.

Oh Bernard, she said, I never imagined anything like this, and she suddenly fainted into his outstretched arms.

"Oh, I can't believe it!" Bernard exclaimed, and after gently placing the delicate bundle on the grass, he raced to the water's edge and filled a cup with the fragrant river water to pour on his true love's pale forehead.

She soon regained consciousness and looked up with a weak smile. "Take me back to the Gaiety Hotel," she whispered softly.

With pleasure, my darling, said Bernard. I’ll just pack up our food before I untie the boat.

Ethel felt better after a few sips of champagne and started to fix her hair while Bernard packed up the leftover food. Then, arm in arm, they wobbled to the boat.

I hope you’re not feeling sick, my darling, Bernard said softly as he helped her inside. [Pg 94]

Oh no, I'm really strong, Ethel said. "I fainted from joy," she added to clarify.

Oh, I see, said Bernard, handing her a cushion. "Well, some people do," he added kindly, and as he said this, they rowed down the dark stream now flowing silently beneath a golden moon. Everything was quiet as the lovers glided home with joy in their hearts and radiance on their faces. Only the sound of the mysterious water lapping against the fragile vessel broke the monotony of the night.

So I will conclude my chapter.

The next few days were definitely busy for Ethel and Bernard. First of all, Ethel got some pretty pink note paper with a silver crest on it and sent out invitations to all their friends that said the following.

Having posted a ton of these and received several replies, Ethel started to order her wedding dress, which was pretty expensive. She chose a luxurious satin with a raised gold pattern on pure white, and it had a long train [Pg 96] edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was made of pure lace with a crown of orange blossoms. She ordered her bouquet to be made of white dog daisies, St. Joseph lilies, and orange blossoms, tied together with a pale blue satin ribbon.

"You'll definitely be a stunning sight," my darling, Bernard gasped as they left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor, where Bernard ordered an elegant black suit with a tail coat lined with crimson satin and a pale lavender tie, along with an opera hat in the same color. He planned to wear violets in his buttonholes and his best white spats, diamond studs, and a few other extravagant accessories. They both ordered plenty of new clothes, and Bernard gave Ethel a huge tiara made of rubies and diamonds, along with two luxurious bracelets. Ethel gave him a brand new trunk made of shiny green leather. The Earl of Clincham sent a lovely gift of some hem-stitched sheets trimmed with real lace and a photo of himself striking a pose. [Pg 97] Mr. Salteena sent Ethel a Bible with a few pious words of advice and regret, and he sent Bernard a very practical little camp stool. Ethel's parents were too poor to travel that far, but her mother sent her a gold watch that didn't work but had been in the family for years, and her father provided a check for £2 and promised to send her a darling little baby calf when it was ready. Then they ordered the most magnificent refreshments: they had tea, coffee, and sparkling wines to drink, along with a lovely wedding cake that towered high, topped with a sugar angel holding a sword made of almond paste. They also had countless cakes, ice creams, jellies, meringues, and jam tarts with plenty of jam on each one, plus some cold tongue, ham with salad, and a pig's head presented in an impressive style. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at the sumptuous feast, and Bernard handed her a glass of rich wine while he enjoyed some whiskey before bed. Ethel quickly got into her [Pg 98] bed for the last time at the dear old Gaiety and shed a few tears thinking about her past life, but she soon cheered up and began to think about how many children she would have. "I hope I have a good number," she thought to herself, and with that, she fell into a peaceful sleep.

The Abbey was definitely crowded the next day when Ethel and Bernard rode in a fancy carriage pulled by two lively horses that were quite frothy. In the entrance stood several neat altar boys who led the lucky couple down the aisle while the organ played a joyful tune. The grand building was full, and sitting in the front row was the Earl of Clincham, looking very lively as he was about to give Ethel away at the right moment. Next to him was Mr. Salteena, all in black and looking very sad, grinding his teeth as Ethel walked down the aisle. They sang some cheerful hymns, and as soon as Ethel and Bernard became one, the clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent, and Mr. Salteena cried into his large handkerchief while the Earl kept nudging him because his sniffles were rather loud. Then the wedding march played, and down the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband and wife. They hopped into the cab and quickly dashed off to the Gaiety. The wedding refreshments were certainly a treat for all, and even Mr. Salteena perked up when he saw the wedding cake and sparkling wines. The Earl then stood up and gave a lovely speech about marriage vows and happiness, quoting several nice bits from the Bible that received lots of applause. Bernard responded warmly, thanking the Earl for his kind words and saying clearly, “I expect we’ll be as happy as a lark, and I hope you all will be the same someday.” “Hear, hear!” muttered a random lady in the crowd as Bernard took his seat while Ethel went to change into a lovely pink velvet dress with a golden belt and a stylish hat. Bernard also put on a new blue-striped suit and some silk socks and fresh underwear. “Hooray, hooray!” shouted the guests as the couple reappeared in their new outfits. Then everyone got a bag of rice and sprinkled it on the couple, while Mr. Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoe at them, wiping his eyes at the same time. Off drove the happy couple, and the guests finished the food. The newlyweds went to Egypt for their honeymoon, thinking it would be a nice warm place, and they had never seen the amazing land. Ethel felt a bit seasick on the boat, but Bernard faced the storm bravely. However, Ethel had recovered by the time they arrived in Egypt, and here we will leave them for a joyful six weeks of bliss while we return to England.

Mr. Salteena, with the help of the earl and the generosity of the Prince of Wales, managed to land the job he desperately wanted. Any day, you could see him in Hyde Park or Piccadilly, wildly chasing after the Royal Carriage in a sharp green velvet suit with complete knickerbockers. At first, he was pretty scared since he wasn't used to riding, and he found that his horse bumped him around quite a bit, making him cling desperately to its flowing mane. Other times, the horse would stop suddenly, and Mr. Salteena would jab it with his spurs and use bad language, but to no effect. However, he quickly got more comfortable with his fresh and temperamental steed, and His Royal Highness seemed satisfied.

The Earl kept enjoying his lively life at the [Pg 103] Compartments until he finally fell in love with one of the noble ladies who frequented them. She wasn’t as pretty as Ethel; she had a bit of a bulgy figure and brown eyes, but she had beautiful dark hair, a pointed nose, and a delicate, rosy complexion. She had nice feet and was wealthy. Her name was Lady Helena Herring, she was 25, and she suited the Earl well.

Mr. Salteena became very lonely after the earl got married, and he couldn't stand being single anymore. So, after giving up on Ethel, he married one of the maids of honor at Buckingham Palace named Bessie Topp, a pleasant girl of 18 with a round, red face and rather starry eyes.

So now that all our friends are married, I’ll say a few words about their families. Ethel and Bernard came back from their honeymoon with a nice, chubby baby boy named Ignatius Bernard. They soon [Pg 104] had six more children—four boys and three girls, and some of them were twins, which was super exciting.

The Earl only had two rather sickly girls named Helen and Marie because the last one looked a bit French.

Mr. Salteena had a big family of ten—five boys and five girls—but he became quite gloomy as the years went on. His small cottage was always noisy, and his wife could be a bit annoying, especially when he daydreamed about Ethel and wished he could have married her. Nevertheless, he was a religious man in his own way and found solace in prayer.

Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends because he loved Ethel deeply, and she loved him just as much. They also had a lovely house.

The Earl quickly grew weary of his sickly daughters, and his wife had a fierce temper, so he thought about divorcing her to start fresh. However, he abandoned that idea after [Pg 105] a few attempts and chose to accept it as a Mortification.

So now, my readers, we will say goodbye to the characters in this book.