This is a modern-English version of Heart of Darkness, originally written by Conrad, Joseph.
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Heart of Darkness
by Joseph Conrad
Contents
I |
II |
III |
I
The Nellie, a cruising yawl, swung to her anchor without a flutter of the sails, and was at rest. The flood had made, the wind was nearly calm, and being bound down the river, the only thing for it was to come to and wait for the turn of the tide.
The Nellie, a sailing yacht, swung to its anchor without a ripple in the sails and came to a stop. The tide was in, the wind was almost calm, and since we were heading downriver, the only choice was to drop anchor and wait for the tide to change.
The sea-reach of the Thames stretched before us like the beginning of an interminable waterway. In the offing the sea and the sky were welded together without a joint, and in the luminous space the tanned sails of the barges drifting up with the tide seemed to stand still in red clusters of canvas sharply peaked, with gleams of varnished sprits. A haze rested on the low shores that ran out to sea in vanishing flatness. The air was dark above Gravesend, and farther back still seemed condensed into a mournful gloom, brooding motionless over the biggest, and the greatest, town on earth.
The stretch of the Thames stretched out before us like the start of an endless waterway. In the distance, the sea and sky merged seamlessly, and in the bright space, the tan sails of the barges floating with the tide appeared to be fixed in place, forming red clusters of sharply pointed canvas, with shiny sprits glinting. A haze rested on the low shores that faded into the sea. The air above Gravesend was dark, and farther back, it seemed thick with a somber gloom, hovering silently over the largest and greatest city on earth.
The Director of Companies was our captain and our host. We four affectionately watched his back as he stood in the bows looking to seaward. On the whole river there was nothing that looked half so nautical. He resembled a pilot, which to a seaman is trustworthiness personified. It was difficult to realize his work was not out there in the luminous estuary, but behind him, within the brooding gloom.
The Director of Companies was our leader and our host. We four fondly watched him as he stood at the front, looking out to sea. There was nothing on the entire river that looked quite so much like a sailor. He looked like a pilot, which to a sailor means complete reliability. It was hard to accept that his work wasn’t out there in the bright estuary, but behind him, in the shadowy darkness.
Between us there was, as I have already said somewhere, the bond of the sea. Besides holding our hearts together through long periods of separation, it had the effect of making us tolerant of each other’s yarns—and even convictions. The Lawyer—the best of old fellows—had, because of his many years and many virtues, the only cushion on deck, and was lying on the only rug. The Accountant had brought out already a box of dominoes, and was toying architecturally with the bones. Marlow sat cross-legged right aft, leaning against the mizzen-mast. He had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, an ascetic aspect, and, with his arms dropped, the palms of hands outwards, resembled an idol. The director, satisfied the anchor had good hold, made his way aft and sat down amongst us. We exchanged a few words lazily. Afterwards there was silence on board the yacht. For some reason or other we did not begin that game of dominoes. We felt meditative, and fit for nothing but placid staring. The day was ending in a serenity of still and exquisite brilliance. The water shone pacifically; the sky, without a speck, was a benign immensity of unstained light; the very mist on the Essex marsh was like a gauzy and radiant fabric, hung from the wooded rises inland, and draping the low shores in diaphanous folds. Only the gloom to the west, brooding over the upper reaches, became more sombre every minute, as if angered by the approach of the sun.
Between us, as I’ve mentioned before, was the bond of the sea. It not only kept our hearts connected during long stretches apart, but it also made us more tolerant of each other’s stories—and even beliefs. The Lawyer—such a great guy—had the only cushion on deck because of his many years and virtues, and he was lying on the only rug. The Accountant had already pulled out a box of dominoes and was playing around with the pieces. Marlow sat cross-legged at the back, leaning against the mizzen-mast. He had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, and an ascetic look that, with his arms hanging down and palms facing outward, made him look like an idol. The director, satisfied that the anchor was secure, came back and sat down with us. We exchanged a few lazy words. After that, silence fell over the yacht. For some reason, we didn’t start that game of dominoes. We felt introspective and were good for nothing but calm staring. The day was ending in a peaceful and stunning brilliance. The water gleamed peacefully; the sky, flawless, was a vast expanse of pure light; the mist over the Essex marsh looked like a delicate and radiant fabric, draped over the rising wooded land and covering the low shores in transparent folds. Only the darkness to the west, looming over the upper reaches, grew more somber by the minute, as if annoyed by the approaching sun.
And at last, in its curved and imperceptible fall, the sun sank low, and from glowing white changed to a dull red without rays and without heat, as if about to go out suddenly, stricken to death by the touch of that gloom brooding over a crowd of men.
And finally, in its gentle and barely noticeable descent, the sun lowered itself, shifting from a bright white to a muted red without any rays or warmth, as if it was about to suddenly extinguish, overwhelmed by the gloom hanging over the crowd of men.
Forthwith a change came over the waters, and the serenity became less brilliant but more profound. The old river in its broad reach rested unruffled at the decline of day, after ages of good service done to the race that peopled its banks, spread out in the tranquil dignity of a waterway leading to the uttermost ends of the earth. We looked at the venerable stream not in the vivid flush of a short day that comes and departs for ever, but in the august light of abiding memories. And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, “followed the sea” with reverence and affection, than to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower reaches of the Thames. The tidal current runs to and fro in its unceasing service, crowded with memories of men and ships it had borne to the rest of home or to the battles of the sea. It had known and served all the men of whom the nation is proud, from Sir Francis Drake to Sir John Franklin, knights all, titled and untitled—the great knights-errant of the sea. It had borne all the ships whose names are like jewels flashing in the night of time, from the Golden Hind returning with her rotund flanks full of treasure, to be visited by the Queen’s Highness and thus pass out of the gigantic tale, to the Erebus and Terror, bound on other conquests—and that never returned. It had known the ships and the men. They had sailed from Deptford, from Greenwich, from Erith—the adventurers and the settlers; kings’ ships and the ships of men on ’Change; captains, admirals, the dark “interlopers” of the Eastern trade, and the commissioned “generals” of East India fleets. Hunters for gold or pursuers of fame, they all had gone out on that stream, bearing the sword, and often the torch, messengers of the might within the land, bearers of a spark from the sacred fire. What greatness had not floated on the ebb of that river into the mystery of an unknown earth!... The dreams of men, the seed of commonwealths, the germs of empires.
Suddenly, a change swept over the waters, and the peacefulness became less bright but more profound. The old river, wide and calm at the end of the day, rested quietly after years of serving the people along its banks, stretching out in the dignified tranquility of a waterway leading to the farthest corners of the earth. We observed the ancient stream not in the vibrant glow of a fleeting day but in the solemn light of lasting memories. Indeed, it’s easy for someone who has, as the saying goes, “followed the sea” with respect and affection, to summon the great spirit of the past along the lower reaches of the Thames. The tidal current flows back and forth in its endless duty, filled with memories of the men and ships it carried home or to sea battles. It had known and served all the men of whom the nation is proud, from Sir Francis Drake to Sir John Franklin, knights both titled and untitled—the great knights-errant of the sea. It had carried all the ships whose names are like gems sparkling in the night of time, from the Golden Hind, returning with her round sides full of treasure to be visited by the Queen and then fade from the grand story, to the Erebus and Terror, set for other conquests—and that never returned. It had witnessed the ships and the men. They had sailed from Deptford, Greenwich, Erith—the adventurers and the settlers; royal ships and those of merchants; captains, admirals, the shadowy “interlopers” of the Eastern trade, and the commissioned “generals” of East India fleets. Gold-seekers or fame-chasers, all of them set out on that river, carrying the sword, and often the torch, messengers of the power within the land, bearers of a spark from the sacred fire. What greatness hadn’t drifted on the tide of that river into the mystery of an unknown world!... The dreams of men, the seeds of nations, the beginnings of empires.
The sun set; the dusk fell on the stream, and lights began to appear along the shore. The Chapman light-house, a three-legged thing erect on a mud-flat, shone strongly. Lights of ships moved in the fairway—a great stir of lights going up and going down. And farther west on the upper reaches the place of the monstrous town was still marked ominously on the sky, a brooding gloom in sunshine, a lurid glare under the stars.
The sun went down; dusk settled on the stream, and lights started to pop up along the shore. The Chapman lighthouse, a three-legged structure standing on a mudflat, shone brightly. The lights of ships moved in the channel—a flurry of lights coming and going. Farther west, the outline of the massive town was still ominously visible in the sky, a dark shadow in the sunlight, a harsh glare under the stars.
“And this also,” said Marlow suddenly, “has been one of the dark places of the earth.”
"And this too," Marlow said suddenly, "has been one of the dark places on Earth."
He was the only man of us who still “followed the sea.” The worst that could be said of him was that he did not represent his class. He was a seaman, but he was a wanderer, too, while most seamen lead, if one may so express it, a sedentary life. Their minds are of the stay-at-home order, and their home is always with them—the ship; and so is their country—the sea. One ship is very much like another, and the sea is always the same. In the immutability of their surroundings the foreign shores, the foreign faces, the changing immensity of life, glide past, veiled not by a sense of mystery but by a slightly disdainful ignorance; for there is nothing mysterious to a seaman unless it be the sea itself, which is the mistress of his existence and as inscrutable as Destiny. For the rest, after his hours of work, a casual stroll or a casual spree on shore suffices to unfold for him the secret of a whole continent, and generally he finds the secret not worth knowing. The yarns of seamen have a direct simplicity, the whole meaning of which lies within the shell of a cracked nut. But Marlow was not typical (if his propensity to spin yarns be excepted), and to him the meaning of an episode was not inside like a kernel but outside, enveloping the tale which brought it out only as a glow brings out a haze, in the likeness of one of these misty halos that sometimes are made visible by the spectral illumination of moonshine.
He was the only one among us who still “followed the sea.” The worst thing you could say about him was that he didn’t quite fit in with his peers. He was a seaman, but he was also a wanderer, while most seamen live, if you can put it that way, a settled life. Their minds are of the stay-at-home type, and their home is always with them—the ship; so is their country—the sea. One ship is very much like another, and the sea is always the same. In the unchanging nature of their surroundings, foreign shores, unfamiliar faces, and the vastness of life drift by, not cloaked in mystery but in a slightly contemptuous ignorance; because nothing is mysterious to a seaman except the sea itself, which is the central part of his life and as unfathomable as fate. For the rest, after a shift of work, a casual walk or a night out on land is enough to reveal the secret of an entire continent, and usually, he finds the secret isn't worth knowing. The stories of seamen are straightforward, with their entire meaning lying within the shell of a cracked nut. But Marlow wasn’t typical (except for his habit of telling stories), and for him, the meaning of a situation was not contained like a kernel but was outside, surrounding the story, revealed only like a glow that shows up a haze, similar to one of those misty halos that sometimes becomes visible with the ghostly light of moonshine.
His remark did not seem at all surprising. It was just like Marlow. It was accepted in silence. No one took the trouble to grunt even; and presently he said, very slow—“I was thinking of very old times, when the Romans first came here, nineteen hundred years ago—the other day .... Light came out of this river since—you say Knights? Yes; but it is like a running blaze on a plain, like a flash of lightning in the clouds. We live in the flicker—may it last as long as the old earth keeps rolling! But darkness was here yesterday. Imagine the feelings of a commander of a fine—what d’ye call ’em?—trireme in the Mediterranean, ordered suddenly to the north; run overland across the Gauls in a hurry; put in charge of one of these craft the legionaries—a wonderful lot of handy men they must have been, too—used to build, apparently by the hundred, in a month or two, if we may believe what we read. Imagine him here—the very end of the world, a sea the colour of lead, a sky the colour of smoke, a kind of ship about as rigid as a concertina—and going up this river with stores, or orders, or what you like. Sand-banks, marshes, forests, savages,—precious little to eat fit for a civilized man, nothing but Thames water to drink. No Falernian wine here, no going ashore. Here and there a military camp lost in a wilderness, like a needle in a bundle of hay—cold, fog, tempests, disease, exile, and death—death skulking in the air, in the water, in the bush. They must have been dying like flies here. Oh, yes—he did it. Did it very well, too, no doubt, and without thinking much about it either, except afterwards to brag of what he had gone through in his time, perhaps. They were men enough to face the darkness. And perhaps he was cheered by keeping his eye on a chance of promotion to the fleet at Ravenna by and by, if he had good friends in Rome and survived the awful climate. Or think of a decent young citizen in a toga—perhaps too much dice, you know—coming out here in the train of some prefect, or tax-gatherer, or trader even, to mend his fortunes. Land in a swamp, march through the woods, and in some inland post feel the savagery, the utter savagery, had closed round him—all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the hearts of wild men. There’s no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible, which is also detestable. And it has a fascination, too, that goes to work upon him. The fascination of the abomination—you know, imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate.”
His comment didn't seem surprising at all. It was just like Marlow. Everyone accepted it in silence; no one even bothered to grunt. After a moment, he said slowly, “I was thinking about very old times, when the Romans first came here, nineteen hundred years ago—the other day... Light has come out of this river since—you say Knights? Sure; but it’s like a flickering flame on a flat land, like a flash of lightning in the clouds. We live in the flicker—let’s hope it lasts as long as the earth keeps turning! But darkness was here yesterday. Imagine the thoughts of a commander of a great—what do you call them?—trireme in the Mediterranean, suddenly ordered to the north; hurry across land through the Gauls; put in charge of one of these boats the legionaries—a remarkable group of handy men they must have been, too—used to build, apparently by the hundreds, in just a month or two, if we can believe what we read. Picture him here—the very edge of the world, a sea the color of lead, a sky the color of smoke, a kind of ship that’s as flexible as a concertina—and going up this river with supplies, orders, or whatever you want. Sandbanks, marshes, forests, savages—hardly anything to eat suitable for a civilized person, just Thames water to drink. No Falernian wine here, no going ashore. Every now and then a military camp lost in the wilderness, like a needle in a haystack—cold, fog, storms, illness, exile, and death—death lurking in the air, in the water, in the bushes. They must have been dropping like flies here. Oh, yes—he did it. Did it very well, no doubt, and probably without thinking too much about it, except maybe later to brag about what he had gone through in his time. They were tough enough to face the darkness. And maybe he felt encouraged thinking about a chance for promotion to the fleet at Ravenna someday if he had good connections in Rome and survived the awful climate. Or imagine a decent young citizen in a toga—maybe he liked to gamble too much—coming out here with some prefect, tax collector, or even a trader, trying to improve his fortunes. Land in a swamp, march through the woods, and at some inland post feel the wildness, the sheer wildness, closing in around him—all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the hearts of savage men. There’s no initiation into such mysteries either. He has to live among the incomprehensible, which is also repulsive. And it has a pull, too, that works on him. The allure of the abhorrent—just think of the growing regrets, the desire to escape, the helpless disgust, the surrender, and the hate.”
He paused.
He took a pause.
“Mind,” he began again, lifting one arm from the elbow, the palm of the hand outwards, so that, with his legs folded before him, he had the pose of a Buddha preaching in European clothes and without a lotus-flower—“Mind, none of us would feel exactly like this. What saves us is efficiency—the devotion to efficiency. But these chaps were not much account, really. They were no colonists; their administration was merely a squeeze, and nothing more, I suspect. They were conquerors, and for that you want only brute force—nothing to boast of, when you have it, since your strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others. They grabbed what they could get for the sake of what was to be got. It was just robbery with violence, aggravated murder on a great scale, and men going at it blind—as is very proper for those who tackle a darkness. The conquest of the earth, which mostly means the taking it away from those who have a different complexion or slightly flatter noses than ourselves, is not a pretty thing when you look into it too much. What redeems it is the idea only. An idea at the back of it; not a sentimental pretence but an idea; and an unselfish belief in the idea—something you can set up, and bow down before, and offer a sacrifice to....”
“Listen,” he started again, raising one arm at the elbow with his palm facing out, so that, with his legs crossed in front of him, he looked like a Buddha preaching in Western clothes without a lotus flower—“Listen, none of us would really feel this way. What saves us is efficiency—dedication to efficiency. But these guys weren’t worth much, really. They were no colonists; their administration was just a squeeze, and nothing more, I think. They were conquerors, and for that, you only need brute force—nothing to brag about when you have it, since your strength is just an accident of others' weakness. They took whatever they could for the sake of taking. It was just violent robbery, large-scale aggravated murder, with men charging in blindly—as is fitting for those who face darkness. The conquest of the earth, which usually means taking it from people who look a bit different or have slightly flatter noses than us, isn’t a pretty thing if you think about it too much. What makes it acceptable is just the idea behind it. An idea driving it; not a sentimental pretense but a real idea; and a selfless belief in that idea—something you can elevate, bow down to, and sacrifice for....”
He broke off. Flames glided in the river, small green flames, red flames, white flames, pursuing, overtaking, joining, crossing each other—then separating slowly or hastily. The traffic of the great city went on in the deepening night upon the sleepless river. We looked on, waiting patiently—there was nothing else to do till the end of the flood; but it was only after a long silence, when he said, in a hesitating voice, “I suppose you fellows remember I did once turn fresh-water sailor for a bit,” that we knew we were fated, before the ebb began to run, to hear about one of Marlow’s inconclusive experiences.
He paused. Flames danced on the river—small green flames, red flames, white flames—chasing each other, catching up, merging, crossing paths, then slowly or quickly separating. The hustle of the big city continued through the darkening night on the restless river. We watched, waiting patiently—there was nothing else to do until the flood was over; but only after a long silence did he say, in an unsure voice, “I guess you guys remember I once tried being a fresh-water sailor for a bit,” and we realized we were destined, before the tide started to go out, to hear about one of Marlow’s uncertain adventures.
“I don’t want to bother you much with what happened to me personally,” he began, showing in this remark the weakness of many tellers of tales who seem so often unaware of what their audience would like best to hear; “yet to understand the effect of it on me you ought to know how I got out there, what I saw, how I went up that river to the place where I first met the poor chap. It was the farthest point of navigation and the culminating point of my experience. It seemed somehow to throw a kind of light on everything about me—and into my thoughts. It was sombre enough, too—and pitiful—not extraordinary in any way—not very clear either. No, not very clear. And yet it seemed to throw a kind of light.
“I don’t want to bother you too much with what happened to me personally,” he started, revealing the common flaw of many storytellers who often don’t realize what their audience truly wants to hear; “but to understand how it affected me, you should know how I ended up there, what I saw, and how I traveled up that river to the spot where I first met the poor guy. It was the farthest point of navigation and the climax of my experience. It somehow cast a light on everything around me—and into my mind. It was quite dark, too—and sad—not extraordinary at all—not very clear either. No, not very clear. And yet it seemed to cast a kind of light.
“I had then, as you remember, just returned to London after a lot of Indian Ocean, Pacific, China Seas—a regular dose of the East—six years or so, and I was loafing about, hindering you fellows in your work and invading your homes, just as though I had got a heavenly mission to civilize you. It was very fine for a time, but after a bit I did get tired of resting. Then I began to look for a ship—I should think the hardest work on earth. But the ships wouldn’t even look at me. And I got tired of that game, too.
"I had just gotten back to London, as you remember, after spending around six years traveling the Indian Ocean, Pacific, and China Seas—a real taste of the East. I was just hanging out, getting in your way while you worked and barging into your homes, acting like I had some divine mission to civilize you. It was great for a while, but eventually, I got bored with just relaxing. Then I started searching for a ship—I’d say it’s the hardest job on Earth. But the ships wouldn’t even consider me. And I got fed up with that too."
“Now when I was a little chap I had a passion for maps. I would look for hours at South America, or Africa, or Australia, and lose myself in all the glories of exploration. At that time there were many blank spaces on the earth, and when I saw one that looked particularly inviting on a map (but they all look that) I would put my finger on it and say, ‘When I grow up I will go there.’ The North Pole was one of these places, I remember. Well, I haven’t been there yet, and shall not try now. The glamour’s off. Other places were scattered about the hemispheres. I have been in some of them, and... well, we won’t talk about that. But there was one yet—the biggest, the most blank, so to speak—that I had a hankering after.
“Back when I was a little kid, I had a huge fascination with maps. I could spend hours staring at South America, Africa, or Australia, getting lost in all the excitement of exploration. Back then, there were a lot of blank spots on the globe, and whenever I found one that looked especially appealing on a map (which they all did), I’d put my finger on it and say, ‘When I grow up, I’m going to go there.’ The North Pole was one of those places that stuck out to me. Well, I haven’t been there yet, and I won’t be going now. The thrill is gone. Other places were scattered around the worlds. I’ve been to some of them, and... well, let’s not get into that. But there was one place left—the biggest, the emptiest, so to speak—that I really wanted to go to.”
“True, by this time it was not a blank space any more. It had got filled since my boyhood with rivers and lakes and names. It had ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery—a white patch for a boy to dream gloriously over. It had become a place of darkness. But there was in it one river especially, a mighty big river, that you could see on the map, resembling an immense snake uncoiled, with its head in the sea, its body at rest curving afar over a vast country, and its tail lost in the depths of the land. And as I looked at the map of it in a shop-window, it fascinated me as a snake would a bird—a silly little bird. Then I remembered there was a big concern, a Company for trade on that river. Dash it all! I thought to myself, they can’t trade without using some kind of craft on that lot of fresh water—steamboats! Why shouldn’t I try to get charge of one? I went on along Fleet Street, but could not shake off the idea. The snake had charmed me.
"By this time, it was no longer an empty space. It had filled up since my childhood with rivers, lakes, and names. It had stopped being a blank canvas of delightful mystery—a white patch for a kid to dream about. Instead, it had become a place of darkness. But there was one river in particular, a massive river, that you could see on the map, looking like a huge snake unwinding, with its head in the sea, its body stretching across a vast area, and its tail disappearing into the land. As I looked at the map in a shop window, it intrigued me like a snake would mesmerize a little bird. Then I remembered there was a large company involved in trade on that river. I thought to myself, they can't trade without using some kind of boat on that body of fresh water—steamboats! Why shouldn’t I try to be in charge of one? I continued along Fleet Street, but I couldn’t shake off the idea. The snake had enchanted me."
“You understand it was a Continental concern, that Trading society; but I have a lot of relations living on the Continent, because it’s cheap and not so nasty as it looks, they say.
"You get that it was a Continental issue, that trading society; but I have a lot of relatives living abroad, because it's affordable and not as unpleasant as it seems, they say."
“I am sorry to own I began to worry them. This was already a fresh departure for me. I was not used to get things that way, you know. I always went my own road and on my own legs where I had a mind to go. I wouldn’t have believed it of myself; but, then—you see—I felt somehow I must get there by hook or by crook. So I worried them. The men said ‘My dear fellow,’ and did nothing. Then—would you believe it?—I tried the women. I, Charlie Marlow, set the women to work—to get a job. Heavens! Well, you see, the notion drove me. I had an aunt, a dear enthusiastic soul. She wrote: ‘It will be delightful. I am ready to do anything, anything for you. It is a glorious idea. I know the wife of a very high personage in the Administration, and also a man who has lots of influence with,’ etc. She was determined to make no end of fuss to get me appointed skipper of a river steamboat, if such was my fancy.
"I’m sorry to admit that I started to worry them. This was already something new for me. I wasn’t used to doing things that way, you know. I always went my own way and on my own terms wherever I wanted to go. I wouldn’t have believed I could feel this way; but, you see, I felt somehow I had to get there by any means necessary. So I worried them. The men said, 'My dear fellow,' and did nothing. Then—would you believe it?—I tried the women. I, Charlie Marlow, got the women involved to help me find a job. Goodness! Well, you see, the idea drove me. I had an aunt, a wonderful enthusiastic person. She wrote: ‘It’s going to be amazing. I’m ready to do anything for you. It’s a brilliant idea. I know the wife of a very high official in the Administration, and also a man who has a lot of influence with,’ etc. She was determined to make a big fuss to get me appointed captain of a river steamboat, if that was what I wanted."
“I got my appointment—of course; and I got it very quick. It appears the Company had received news that one of their captains had been killed in a scuffle with the natives. This was my chance, and it made me the more anxious to go. It was only months and months afterwards, when I made the attempt to recover what was left of the body, that I heard the original quarrel arose from a misunderstanding about some hens. Yes, two black hens. Fresleven—that was the fellow’s name, a Dane—thought himself wronged somehow in the bargain, so he went ashore and started to hammer the chief of the village with a stick. Oh, it didn’t surprise me in the least to hear this, and at the same time to be told that Fresleven was the gentlest, quietest creature that ever walked on two legs. No doubt he was; but he had been a couple of years already out there engaged in the noble cause, you know, and he probably felt the need at last of asserting his self-respect in some way. Therefore he whacked the old nigger mercilessly, while a big crowd of his people watched him, thunderstruck, till some man—I was told the chief’s son—in desperation at hearing the old chap yell, made a tentative jab with a spear at the white man—and of course it went quite easy between the shoulder-blades. Then the whole population cleared into the forest, expecting all kinds of calamities to happen, while, on the other hand, the steamer Fresleven commanded left also in a bad panic, in charge of the engineer, I believe. Afterwards nobody seemed to trouble much about Fresleven’s remains, till I got out and stepped into his shoes. I couldn’t let it rest, though; but when an opportunity offered at last to meet my predecessor, the grass growing through his ribs was tall enough to hide his bones. They were all there. The supernatural being had not been touched after he fell. And the village was deserted, the huts gaped black, rotting, all askew within the fallen enclosures. A calamity had come to it, sure enough. The people had vanished. Mad terror had scattered them, men, women, and children, through the bush, and they had never returned. What became of the hens I don’t know either. I should think the cause of progress got them, anyhow. However, through this glorious affair I got my appointment, before I had fairly begun to hope for it.
“I got my appointment—of course; and I got it really fast. It seems the Company had heard that one of their captains had been killed in a scuffle with the locals. This was my chance, and it made me even more eager to go. It was only months later, when I tried to recover what was left of the body, that I found out the original argument was over some hens. Yes, two black hens. Fresleven—that was the guy’s name, a Dane—felt wronged somehow in the deal, so he went ashore and started to hit the village chief with a stick. Oh, it didn’t surprise me at all to hear this, and at the same time to be told that Fresleven was the gentlest, quietest person that ever walked on two legs. No doubt he was; but he had been out there for a couple of years already engaged in the noble cause, you know, and he probably felt the need to assert his self-respect in some way. So he whacked the old man mercilessly, while a big crowd of his people watched him, shocked, until some man—I was told it was the chief’s son—in desperation at hearing the old guy yell, made a tentative jab with a spear at the white man—and of course it went straight between the shoulder blades. Then the whole population ran into the forest, expecting all kinds of disaster to follow, while, on the other hand, the steamer Fresleven was in charge of left in a panic, I believe, with the engineer in charge. After that, nobody seemed to care much about Fresleven’s remains, until I got out there and took his place. I couldn’t let it go, though; but when finally I had the chance to meet my predecessor, the grass growing through his ribs was tall enough to hide his bones. They were all there. The supernatural being had not been touched after he fell. The village was deserted, the huts stood black, rotting, all askew within the fallen enclosures. A disaster had certainly happened there. The people had vanished. Mad terror had scattered them, men, women, and children, through the bush, and they never came back. What happened to the hens I don’t know either. I would think the cause of progress got them, anyway. Nevertheless, through this entire mess, I got my appointment, before I had even started to hope for it.”
“I flew around like mad to get ready, and before forty-eight hours I was crossing the Channel to show myself to my employers, and sign the contract. In a very few hours I arrived in a city that always makes me think of a whited sepulchre. Prejudice no doubt. I had no difficulty in finding the Company’s offices. It was the biggest thing in the town, and everybody I met was full of it. They were going to run an over-sea empire, and make no end of coin by trade.
“I rushed around like crazy to get ready, and within forty-eight hours I was crossing the Channel to meet my employers and sign the contract. In just a few hours, I arrived in a city that always reminds me of a whitewashed tomb. Probably just my bias. I had no trouble finding the Company’s offices. It was the biggest thing in town, and everyone I met was excited about it. They were planning to run an overseas empire and make a fortune through trade.
“A narrow and deserted street in deep shadow, high houses, innumerable windows with venetian blinds, a dead silence, grass sprouting between the stones, imposing carriage archways right and left, immense double doors standing ponderously ajar. I slipped through one of these cracks, went up a swept and ungarnished staircase, as arid as a desert, and opened the first door I came to. Two women, one fat and the other slim, sat on straw-bottomed chairs, knitting black wool. The slim one got up and walked straight at me—still knitting with downcast eyes—and only just as I began to think of getting out of her way, as you would for a somnambulist, stood still, and looked up. Her dress was as plain as an umbrella-cover, and she turned round without a word and preceded me into a waiting-room. I gave my name, and looked about. Deal table in the middle, plain chairs all round the walls, on one end a large shining map, marked with all the colours of a rainbow. There was a vast amount of red—good to see at any time, because one knows that some real work is done in there, a deuce of a lot of blue, a little green, smears of orange, and, on the East Coast, a purple patch, to show where the jolly pioneers of progress drink the jolly lager-beer. However, I wasn’t going into any of these. I was going into the yellow. Dead in the centre. And the river was there—fascinating—deadly—like a snake. Ough! A door opened, a white-haired secretarial head, but wearing a compassionate expression, appeared, and a skinny forefinger beckoned me into the sanctuary. Its light was dim, and a heavy writing-desk squatted in the middle. From behind that structure came out an impression of pale plumpness in a frock-coat. The great man himself. He was five feet six, I should judge, and had his grip on the handle-end of ever so many millions. He shook hands, I fancy, murmured vaguely, was satisfied with my French. Bon Voyage.
A narrow, deserted street in deep shade, tall buildings, countless windows with blinds, a complete silence, grass growing between the stones, grand carriage archways on either side, huge double doors standing heavily ajar. I slipped through one of these gaps, went up a bare, swept staircase, as dry as a desert, and opened the first door I found. Two women, one heavyset and the other slender, sat on straw-bottomed chairs, knitting black yarn. The slender one got up and walked straight toward me—still knitting with her eyes downcast—and just as I started to think about stepping aside for her, like you would for a sleepwalker, she stopped and looked up. Her dress was as plain as an umbrella cover, and she turned around without a word and led me into a waiting room. I gave my name and glanced around. There was a wooden table in the middle, plain chairs lining the walls, and at one end a large, shiny map, marked in all the colors of the rainbow. There was a lot of red—always good to see, indicating that some real work is happening there, an awful lot of blue, a bit of green, smudges of orange, and, on the East Coast, a purple patch showing where the cheerful pioneers of progress enjoy their beer. But I wasn’t going into any of that. I was heading into the yellow. Right in the center. And the river was there—captivating—deadly—like a snake. Ugh! A door opened, revealing a white-haired secretary with a sympathetic look, who signaled me into the office with a bony finger. The light was dim inside, and a heavy writing desk loomed in the middle. From behind that desk emerged an impression of pale plumpness in a frock coat. The great man himself. He was about five feet six, I would guess, and had control over countless millions. He shook my hand, I think, muttered something vague, and seemed satisfied with my French. Bon Voyage.
“In about forty-five seconds I found myself again in the waiting-room with the compassionate secretary, who, full of desolation and sympathy, made me sign some document. I believe I undertook amongst other things not to disclose any trade secrets. Well, I am not going to.
“In about forty-five seconds, I found myself back in the waiting room with the caring secretary, who, filled with sadness and sympathy, had me sign some document. I think I agreed, among other things, not to reveal any trade secrets. Well, I’m not going to.”
“I began to feel slightly uneasy. You know I am not used to such ceremonies, and there was something ominous in the atmosphere. It was just as though I had been let into some conspiracy—I don’t know—something not quite right; and I was glad to get out. In the outer room the two women knitted black wool feverishly. People were arriving, and the younger one was walking back and forth introducing them. The old one sat on her chair. Her flat cloth slippers were propped up on a foot-warmer, and a cat reposed on her lap. She wore a starched white affair on her head, had a wart on one cheek, and silver-rimmed spectacles hung on the tip of her nose. She glanced at me above the glasses. The swift and indifferent placidity of that look troubled me. Two youths with foolish and cheery countenances were being piloted over, and she threw at them the same quick glance of unconcerned wisdom. She seemed to know all about them and about me, too. An eerie feeling came over me. She seemed uncanny and fateful. Often far away there I thought of these two, guarding the door of Darkness, knitting black wool as for a warm pall, one introducing, introducing continuously to the unknown, the other scrutinizing the cheery and foolish faces with unconcerned old eyes. Ave! Old knitter of black wool. Morituri te salutant. Not many of those she looked at ever saw her again—not half, by a long way.
I started to feel a bit uneasy. You know I’m not used to these kinds of ceremonies, and there was something unsettling in the air. It felt like I had stumbled into some kind of conspiracy—I don’t know—something felt off; and I was relieved to get out. In the outer room, the two women were knitting black wool like crazy. People were arriving, and the younger one was pacing back and forth, introducing them. The older one sat in her chair with her flat cloth slippers resting on a foot-warmer and a cat lounging on her lap. She had a starched white thing on her head, a wart on one cheek, and silver-rimmed glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She looked at me over the glasses. The quick, indifferent calm in her gaze made me uneasy. Two young guys with silly, cheerful faces were brought over, and she shot them the same swift glance of detached wisdom. It was like she knew everything about them and about me too. An eerie feeling washed over me. She seemed otherworldly and foreboding. Far away, I thought of these two, guarding the entrance to Darkness, knitting black wool for a warm shroud, one continuously introducing new faces to the unknown, the other watching the cheerful and foolish expressions with her unbothered old eyes. Ave! Old knitter of black wool. Morituri te salutant. Not many of those she looked at ever saw her again—not half, by a long shot.
“There was yet a visit to the doctor. ‘A simple formality,’ assured me the secretary, with an air of taking an immense part in all my sorrows. Accordingly a young chap wearing his hat over the left eyebrow, some clerk I suppose—there must have been clerks in the business, though the house was as still as a house in a city of the dead—came from somewhere up-stairs, and led me forth. He was shabby and careless, with inkstains on the sleeves of his jacket, and his cravat was large and billowy, under a chin shaped like the toe of an old boot. It was a little too early for the doctor, so I proposed a drink, and thereupon he developed a vein of joviality. As we sat over our vermouths he glorified the Company’s business, and by and by I expressed casually my surprise at him not going out there. He became very cool and collected all at once. ‘I am not such a fool as I look, quoth Plato to his disciples,’ he said sententiously, emptied his glass with great resolution, and we rose.
I still had to see the doctor. “Just a formality,” the secretary reassured me, acting like she was deeply invested in my troubles. A young guy came down from upstairs, wearing his hat tilted over his left eyebrow—probably a clerk, since the place was as quiet as a house in a graveyard. He looked shabby and careless, with ink stains on his jacket sleeves, and his tie was big and fluffy, sitting under a chin that resembled an old boot. It was a bit early for the doctor, so I suggested we grab a drink, which perked him up a bit. As we enjoyed our vermouths, he rambled on about how great the Company was doing. Eventually, I casually mentioned my surprise that he didn’t go out there. Suddenly, he became very serious. “I’m not as foolish as I seem, as Plato said to his students,” he declared, downing his drink with determination, and then we both stood up.
“The old doctor felt my pulse, evidently thinking of something else the while. ‘Good, good for there,’ he mumbled, and then with a certain eagerness asked me whether I would let him measure my head. Rather surprised, I said Yes, when he produced a thing like calipers and got the dimensions back and front and every way, taking notes carefully. He was an unshaven little man in a threadbare coat like a gaberdine, with his feet in slippers, and I thought him a harmless fool. ‘I always ask leave, in the interests of science, to measure the crania of those going out there,’ he said. ‘And when they come back, too?’ I asked. ‘Oh, I never see them,’ he remarked; ‘and, moreover, the changes take place inside, you know.’ He smiled, as if at some quiet joke. ‘So you are going out there. Famous. Interesting, too.’ He gave me a searching glance, and made another note. ‘Ever any madness in your family?’ he asked, in a matter-of-fact tone. I felt very annoyed. ‘Is that question in the interests of science, too?’ ‘It would be,’ he said, without taking notice of my irritation, ‘interesting for science to watch the mental changes of individuals, on the spot, but...’ ‘Are you an alienist?’ I interrupted. ‘Every doctor should be—a little,’ answered that original, imperturbably. ‘I have a little theory which you messieurs who go out there must help me to prove. This is my share in the advantages my country shall reap from the possession of such a magnificent dependency. The mere wealth I leave to others. Pardon my questions, but you are the first Englishman coming under my observation...’ I hastened to assure him I was not in the least typical. ‘If I were,’ said I, ‘I wouldn’t be talking like this with you.’ ‘What you say is rather profound, and probably erroneous,’ he said, with a laugh. ‘Avoid irritation more than exposure to the sun. Adieu. How do you English say, eh? Good-bye. Ah! Good-bye. Adieu. In the tropics one must before everything keep calm.’... He lifted a warning forefinger.... ‘Du calme, du calme.’
The old doctor felt my pulse, clearly lost in his thoughts. “Good, good there,” he mumbled, and then with a bit of excitement asked if he could measure my head. Surprised, I agreed, and he pulled out something resembling calipers to take measurements from all angles, jotting down notes carefully. He was a scruffy little man in a worn-out coat like a raincoat, wearing slippers, and I thought he seemed like a harmless fool. “I always ask for permission, in the name of science, to measure the heads of those going out there,” he said. “And when they come back, too?” I asked. “Oh, I never see them,” he replied; “besides, the changes happen internally, you know.” He smiled, as if he had a private joke. “So you’re headed out there. Great. Very interesting, too.” He gave me a thorough look and noted something down. “Any history of mental illness in your family?” he asked casually. I felt quite irritated. “Is that question also for science?” “It would be,” he said, not bothered by my annoyance, “it would be interesting for science to observe mental changes of individuals on-site, but...” “Are you a psychiatrist?” I interrupted. “Every doctor should be—at least a little,” he answered calmly. “I have a little theory that you gentlemen who are going out there must help me prove. This is my way of contributing to the benefits my country will gain from such a remarkable territory. The actual wealth, I’ll let others have. Sorry for my questions, but you are the first Englishman I’m observing…” I quickly reassured him that I was not at all typical. “If I were,” I said, “I wouldn’t be having this kind of conversation with you.” “What you’re saying is somewhat deep, and probably wrong,” he said with a laugh. “Avoid irritation more than sun exposure. Adieu. How do you English say it? Good-bye. Ah! Good-bye. Adieu. In the tropics, you must always stay calm.”... He lifted a cautionary finger.... ‘Du calme, du calme.’
“One thing more remained to do—say good-bye to my excellent aunt. I found her triumphant. I had a cup of tea—the last decent cup of tea for many days—and in a room that most soothingly looked just as you would expect a lady’s drawing-room to look, we had a long quiet chat by the fireside. In the course of these confidences it became quite plain to me I had been represented to the wife of the high dignitary, and goodness knows to how many more people besides, as an exceptional and gifted creature—a piece of good fortune for the Company—a man you don’t get hold of every day. Good heavens! and I was going to take charge of a two-penny-half-penny river-steamboat with a penny whistle attached! It appeared, however, I was also one of the Workers, with a capital—you know. Something like an emissary of light, something like a lower sort of apostle. There had been a lot of such rot let loose in print and talk just about that time, and the excellent woman, living right in the rush of all that humbug, got carried off her feet. She talked about ‘weaning those ignorant millions from their horrid ways,’ till, upon my word, she made me quite uncomfortable. I ventured to hint that the Company was run for profit.
“One more thing was left to do—say goodbye to my wonderful aunt. I found her feeling proud. I had a cup of tea—the last good cup of tea for many days—and in a room that perfectly looked like a lady’s drawing-room, we had a long, quiet chat by the fireside. During our conversation, it became clear to me that I had been introduced to the wife of a high-ranking official, and God knows how many others, as an exceptional and talented individual—a real asset for the Company—a man you don’t come across every day. Good grief! and I was about to take charge of a cheap river steamboat with a tiny whistle attached! It turned out, however, that I was also one of the Workers, with a capital—you know. Some kind of emissary of light, a lower type of apostle. There had been a lot of such nonsense spread around in print and conversation around that time, and the wonderful woman, caught up in all that hype, got swept away. She talked about ‘teaching those ignorant millions to change their awful ways,’ until, honestly, she made me quite uneasy. I dared to suggest that the Company was in it for profit.
“‘You forget, dear Charlie, that the labourer is worthy of his hire,’ she said, brightly. It’s queer how out of touch with truth women are. They live in a world of their own, and there has never been anything like it, and never can be. It is too beautiful altogether, and if they were to set it up it would go to pieces before the first sunset. Some confounded fact we men have been living contentedly with ever since the day of creation would start up and knock the whole thing over.
“‘You forget, dear Charlie, that the worker deserves to be paid,’ she said, cheerfully. It’s strange how disconnected women are from reality. They exist in a world of their own, and nothing else is like it, nor ever will be. It's just too perfect, and if they were to try to create it, it would fall apart before the first sunset. Some annoying truth that we men have been living with happily since the beginning of time would suddenly emerge and destroy everything.”
“After this I got embraced, told to wear flannel, be sure to write often, and so on—and I left. In the street—I don’t know why—a queer feeling came to me that I was an imposter. Odd thing that I, who used to clear out for any part of the world at twenty-four hours’ notice, with less thought than most men give to the crossing of a street, had a moment—I won’t say of hesitation, but of startled pause, before this commonplace affair. The best way I can explain it to you is by saying that, for a second or two, I felt as though, instead of going to the centre of a continent, I were about to set off for the centre of the earth.
“After this, I got a hug, was told to wear flannel, make sure to write often, and so on—and then I left. In the street—I don’t know why—a strange feeling hit me that I was a fraud. It’s odd that I, who used to leave for any part of the world on just twenty-four hours’ notice, with less thought than most people give to crossing a street, had a moment—I won’t say of hesitation, but of surprised pause, before this ordinary situation. The best way I can explain it to you is by saying that, for a second or two, I felt as if, instead of heading to the center of a continent, I was about to journey to the center of the earth.
“I left in a French steamer, and she called in every blamed port they have out there, for, as far as I could see, the sole purpose of landing soldiers and custom-house officers. I watched the coast. Watching a coast as it slips by the ship is like thinking about an enigma. There it is before you—smiling, frowning, inviting, grand, mean, insipid, or savage, and always mute with an air of whispering, ‘Come and find out.’ This one was almost featureless, as if still in the making, with an aspect of monotonous grimness. The edge of a colossal jungle, so dark-green as to be almost black, fringed with white surf, ran straight, like a ruled line, far, far away along a blue sea whose glitter was blurred by a creeping mist. The sun was fierce, the land seemed to glisten and drip with steam. Here and there greyish-whitish specks showed up clustered inside the white surf, with a flag flying above them perhaps. Settlements some centuries old, and still no bigger than pinheads on the untouched expanse of their background. We pounded along, stopped, landed soldiers; went on, landed custom-house clerks to levy toll in what looked like a God-forsaken wilderness, with a tin shed and a flag-pole lost in it; landed more soldiers—to take care of the custom-house clerks, presumably. Some, I heard, got drowned in the surf; but whether they did or not, nobody seemed particularly to care. They were just flung out there, and on we went. Every day the coast looked the same, as though we had not moved; but we passed various places—trading places—with names like Gran’ Bassam, Little Popo; names that seemed to belong to some sordid farce acted in front of a sinister back-cloth. The idleness of a passenger, my isolation amongst all these men with whom I had no point of contact, the oily and languid sea, the uniform sombreness of the coast, seemed to keep me away from the truth of things, within the toil of a mournful and senseless delusion. The voice of the surf heard now and then was a positive pleasure, like the speech of a brother. It was something natural, that had its reason, that had a meaning. Now and then a boat from the shore gave one a momentary contact with reality. It was paddled by black fellows. You could see from afar the white of their eyeballs glistening. They shouted, sang; their bodies streamed with perspiration; they had faces like grotesque masks—these chaps; but they had bone, muscle, a wild vitality, an intense energy of movement, that was as natural and true as the surf along their coast. They wanted no excuse for being there. They were a great comfort to look at. For a time I would feel I belonged still to a world of straightforward facts; but the feeling would not last long. Something would turn up to scare it away. Once, I remember, we came upon a man-of-war anchored off the coast. There wasn’t even a shed there, and she was shelling the bush. It appears the French had one of their wars going on thereabouts. Her ensign dropped limp like a rag; the muzzles of the long six-inch guns stuck out all over the low hull; the greasy, slimy swell swung her up lazily and let her down, swaying her thin masts. In the empty immensity of earth, sky, and water, there she was, incomprehensible, firing into a continent. Pop, would go one of the six-inch guns; a small flame would dart and vanish, a little white smoke would disappear, a tiny projectile would give a feeble screech—and nothing happened. Nothing could happen. There was a touch of insanity in the proceeding, a sense of lugubrious drollery in the sight; and it was not dissipated by somebody on board assuring me earnestly there was a camp of natives—he called them enemies!—hidden out of sight somewhere.
“I left on a French steamer, which stopped at every port out there, seemingly just to drop off soldiers and customs officers. I watched the coast. Watching a coast pass by from a ship feels like trying to solve a riddle. It's right there in front of you—smiling, frowning, inviting, grand, grim, bland, or wild, always silent yet whispering, ‘Come and find out.’ This coast was nearly featureless, as if still being made, giving off a monotonous grimness. A huge jungle’s edge, so dark green it was almost black, lined the shore, edged with white surf, stretching straight like a ruler far away along a blue sea, its sparkle muffled by a creeping mist. The sun was harsh, the land seemed to shimmer and drip with steam. Here and there, grayish-white shapes appeared clustered in the white surf, perhaps with a flag waving above them. Settlements that were centuries old and still no bigger than pinheads against the untouched backdrop. We chugged along, stopped, dropped off soldiers; moved on, landed customs officials to collect tolls in what looked like a deserted wilderness, marked only by a tin shed and a flagpole lost in the overgrowth; landed more soldiers—presumably to protect the customs officials. I heard some drowned in the surf; but whether they did or not, nobody seemed to care much. They were just tossed out there, and off we went. Every day, the coast looked the same, as if we hadn’t moved; but we passed various places—trading posts—with names like Gran’ Bassam, Little Popo; names that seemed to belong to some sordid play set against a dark backdrop. The aimlessness of being a passenger, my isolation among all these men I had no connection with, the oily, languid sea, and the constant dreariness of the coast made me feel detached from the reality of things, caught in a tedious and pointless delusion. The sound of the surf, heard now and then, was a genuine pleasure, like the voice of a brother. It felt natural, purposeful, and meaningful. Occasionally, a boat from the shore provided a brief connection to reality. It was paddled by black men. From a distance, you could see the white of their eyeballs shining. They shouted, sang; their bodies were glistening with sweat; they had faces like warped masks—these guys; but they had bone, muscle, a wild vitality, an intense energy of movement that felt as natural and real as the surf along their coast. They needed no justification for being there. It was comforting to watch them. For a moment, I felt I still belonged to a world of straightforward facts; but that feeling didn’t last long. Something would always come up to chase it away. Once, I remember, we spotted a warship anchored off the coast. There wasn’t even a shed around, and it was firing into the bush. Apparently, the French had some kind of war happening nearby. Its flag hung still like a rag; the muzzles of the long six-inch guns poked out all over the low hull; the greasy, slimy swell rocked it lazily, swaying its thin masts. In the vast emptiness of earth, sky, and water, there it was, incomprehensible, firing at a continent. Pop! went one of the six-inch guns; a small flame shot out and vanished, a little white smoke disappeared, a tiny projectile let out a weak screech—and nothing happened. Nothing could happen. There was a hint of madness in the scene, a sense of grim absurdity in the sight; and it wasn’t brightened by someone on board earnestly assuring me there was a camp of natives—he called them enemies!—hiding out of sight somewhere.”
“We gave her her letters (I heard the men in that lonely ship were dying of fever at the rate of three a day) and went on. We called at some more places with farcical names, where the merry dance of death and trade goes on in a still and earthy atmosphere as of an overheated catacomb; all along the formless coast bordered by dangerous surf, as if Nature herself had tried to ward off intruders; in and out of rivers, streams of death in life, whose banks were rotting into mud, whose waters, thickened into slime, invaded the contorted mangroves, that seemed to writhe at us in the extremity of an impotent despair. Nowhere did we stop long enough to get a particularized impression, but the general sense of vague and oppressive wonder grew upon me. It was like a weary pilgrimage amongst hints for nightmares.
“We gave her her letters (I heard the men on that lonely ship were dying of fever at the rate of three a day) and moved on. We stopped at a few more places with ridiculous names, where the grim dance of death and trade continues in a still, earthy atmosphere like an overheated catacomb; all along the shapeless coast lined with dangerous surf, as if Nature herself was trying to keep intruders away; in and out of rivers, streams of death in life, whose banks were rotting into mud, whose waters, thickened into slime, invaded the twisted mangroves, which seemed to writhe at us in hopeless despair. We never stayed long enough to get a detailed impression, but the overall feeling of vague and oppressive wonder grew on me. It felt like a weary pilgrimage among hints for nightmares.
“It was upward of thirty days before I saw the mouth of the big river. We anchored off the seat of the government. But my work would not begin till some two hundred miles farther on. So as soon as I could I made a start for a place thirty miles higher up.
“It was over thirty days before I saw the mouth of the big river. We anchored near the government seat. But my work wouldn’t start until about two hundred miles later. So as soon as I could, I headed for a spot thirty miles further up.”
“I had my passage on a little sea-going steamer. Her captain was a Swede, and knowing me for a seaman, invited me on the bridge. He was a young man, lean, fair, and morose, with lanky hair and a shuffling gait. As we left the miserable little wharf, he tossed his head contemptuously at the shore. ‘Been living there?’ he asked. I said, ‘Yes.’ ‘Fine lot these government chaps—are they not?’ he went on, speaking English with great precision and considerable bitterness. ‘It is funny what some people will do for a few francs a month. I wonder what becomes of that kind when it goes upcountry?’ I said to him I expected to see that soon. ‘So-o-o!’ he exclaimed. He shuffled athwart, keeping one eye ahead vigilantly. ‘Don’t be too sure,’ he continued. ‘The other day I took up a man who hanged himself on the road. He was a Swede, too.’ ‘Hanged himself! Why, in God’s name?’ I cried. He kept on looking out watchfully. ‘Who knows? The sun too much for him, or the country perhaps.’
“I had my ticket on a small sea-going steamer. The captain was a Swede, and knowing me as a seaman, he invited me onto the bridge. He was a young guy, lean, fair-skinned, and gloomy, with lanky hair and a shuffling walk. As we left the shabby little wharf, he contemptuously tossed his head toward the shore. ‘Been living there?’ he asked. I replied, ‘Yes.’ ‘What a fine bunch those government guys are—right?’ he continued, speaking English very clearly but with a lot of bitterness. ‘It’s funny what some people will do for a few francs a month. I wonder what happens to those kinds when they go upcountry?’ I told him I expected to find out soon. ‘So-o-o!’ he exclaimed. He shuffled back and forth, keeping a vigilant eye on the front. ‘Don’t be too sure,’ he continued. ‘The other day I picked up a man who hanged himself on the road. He was a Swede, too.’ ‘Hanged himself! Why on earth?’ I cried. He kept watching intently. ‘Who knows? Maybe the sun was too much for him, or the country, perhaps.’
“At last we opened a reach. A rocky cliff appeared, mounds of turned-up earth by the shore, houses on a hill, others with iron roofs, amongst a waste of excavations, or hanging to the declivity. A continuous noise of the rapids above hovered over this scene of inhabited devastation. A lot of people, mostly black and naked, moved about like ants. A jetty projected into the river. A blinding sunlight drowned all this at times in a sudden recrudescence of glare. ‘There’s your Company’s station,’ said the Swede, pointing to three wooden barrack-like structures on the rocky slope. ‘I will send your things up. Four boxes did you say? So. Farewell.’
“At last, we reached an area. A rocky cliff appeared, with piles of dirt along the shore, houses on a hill, some with metal roofs, all amidst a chaotic landscape of excavations or clinging to the slope. The constant noise of the rapids above filled this scene of inhabited ruin. A lot of people, mostly Black and naked, moved around like ants. A jetty jutted out into the river. Blinding sunlight sometimes flooded the area with an intense glare. ‘That’s your Company’s station,’ said the Swede, pointing to three wooden barrack-like buildings on the rocky slope. ‘I’ll send your things up. Four boxes, you said? Got it. Goodbye.’”
“I came upon a boiler wallowing in the grass, then found a path leading up the hill. It turned aside for the boulders, and also for an undersized railway-truck lying there on its back with its wheels in the air. One was off. The thing looked as dead as the carcass of some animal. I came upon more pieces of decaying machinery, a stack of rusty rails. To the left a clump of trees made a shady spot, where dark things seemed to stir feebly. I blinked, the path was steep. A horn tooted to the right, and I saw the black people run. A heavy and dull detonation shook the ground, a puff of smoke came out of the cliff, and that was all. No change appeared on the face of the rock. They were building a railway. The cliff was not in the way or anything; but this objectless blasting was all the work going on.
“I stumbled upon a boiler sinking into the grass, then spotted a path winding up the hill. It dodged the boulders and also a small railway truck lying overturned with its wheels in the air. One wheel was missing. It looked as lifeless as the carcass of some animal. I encountered more pieces of decaying machinery, a pile of rusty rails. To the left, a cluster of trees created a shady area where dark shapes seemed to move weakly. I blinked; the path was steep. A horn blared to the right, and I saw Black people running. A loud and heavy explosion rattled the ground, a puff of smoke billowed from the cliff, and that was it. No change appeared on the rock's surface. They were building a railway. The cliff wasn’t in the way or anything, but this aimless blasting was all the work happening.
“A slight clinking behind me made me turn my head. Six black men advanced in a file, toiling up the path. They walked erect and slow, balancing small baskets full of earth on their heads, and the clink kept time with their footsteps. Black rags were wound round their loins, and the short ends behind waggled to and fro like tails. I could see every rib, the joints of their limbs were like knots in a rope; each had an iron collar on his neck, and all were connected together with a chain whose bights swung between them, rhythmically clinking. Another report from the cliff made me think suddenly of that ship of war I had seen firing into a continent. It was the same kind of ominous voice; but these men could by no stretch of imagination be called enemies. They were called criminals, and the outraged law, like the bursting shells, had come to them, an insoluble mystery from the sea. All their meagre breasts panted together, the violently dilated nostrils quivered, the eyes stared stonily uphill. They passed me within six inches, without a glance, with that complete, deathlike indifference of unhappy savages. Behind this raw matter one of the reclaimed, the product of the new forces at work, strolled despondently, carrying a rifle by its middle. He had a uniform jacket with one button off, and seeing a white man on the path, hoisted his weapon to his shoulder with alacrity. This was simple prudence, white men being so much alike at a distance that he could not tell who I might be. He was speedily reassured, and with a large, white, rascally grin, and a glance at his charge, seemed to take me into partnership in his exalted trust. After all, I also was a part of the great cause of these high and just proceedings.
A soft clinking behind me made me turn my head. Six Black men walked in a line, struggling up the path. They walked upright and slowly, balancing small baskets full of dirt on their heads, and the clink matched their footsteps. Black rags were wrapped around their waists, and the short ends swung back and forth like tails. I could see every rib, and the joints in their limbs looked like knots in a rope; each one had an iron collar around his neck, and they were all linked together by a chain that swung rhythmically between them, clinking as they moved. Another sound from the cliff suddenly reminded me of that warship I had seen firing at a continent. It had the same ominous tone; but these men could not, by any stretch of the imagination, be called enemies. They were labeled criminals, and the outraged law, like the exploding shells, had come to them, an unresolved mystery from the sea. Their thin chests heaved together, their flared nostrils trembled, and their eyes stared stiffly uphill. They passed me within six inches, without a glance, showing that complete, deathlike indifference of miserable savages. Behind this raw group, one of the reclaimed, a product of the new forces at play, walked dejectedly, holding a rifle by its middle. He wore a uniform jacket with one button missing, and upon seeing a white man on the path, quickly raised his weapon to his shoulder. This was just smart, since white men looked so much alike from a distance that he could not tell who I was. He was soon reassured and, with a big, mischievous grin and a look at his charge, seemed to include me in his important duty. After all, I was also part of the grand cause of these high and just actions.
“Instead of going up, I turned and descended to the left. My idea was to let that chain-gang get out of sight before I climbed the hill. You know I am not particularly tender; I’ve had to strike and to fend off. I’ve had to resist and to attack sometimes—that’s only one way of resisting—without counting the exact cost, according to the demands of such sort of life as I had blundered into. I’ve seen the devil of violence, and the devil of greed, and the devil of hot desire; but, by all the stars! these were strong, lusty, red-eyed devils, that swayed and drove men—men, I tell you. But as I stood on this hillside, I foresaw that in the blinding sunshine of that land I would become acquainted with a flabby, pretending, weak-eyed devil of a rapacious and pitiless folly. How insidious he could be, too, I was only to find out several months later and a thousand miles farther. For a moment I stood appalled, as though by a warning. Finally I descended the hill, obliquely, towards the trees I had seen.
“Instead of going up, I turned and went down to the left. I wanted to let that chain gang get out of sight before I climbed the hill. You know I'm not particularly soft; I've had to fight back and defend myself. I've had to resist and sometimes attack—that’s just one way of standing my ground—without counting the exact consequences, based on the demands of the life I had stumbled into. I've seen the demons of violence, greed, and burning desire; but, by all the stars! these were strong, lusty, red-eyed demons that influenced and pushed men—men, I tell you. But as I stood on this hillside, I realized that in the blinding sun of that land, I would encounter a flabby, pretentious, weak-eyed demon of greedy and merciless foolishness. How sneaky he could be, too, I wouldn't find out until several months later and a thousand miles away. For a moment, I stood there, stunned, as if receiving a warning. Finally, I went down the hill, at an angle, towards the trees I had seen.”
“I avoided a vast artificial hole somebody had been digging on the slope, the purpose of which I found it impossible to divine. It wasn’t a quarry or a sandpit, anyhow. It was just a hole. It might have been connected with the philanthropic desire of giving the criminals something to do. I don’t know. Then I nearly fell into a very narrow ravine, almost no more than a scar in the hillside. I discovered that a lot of imported drainage-pipes for the settlement had been tumbled in there. There wasn’t one that was not broken. It was a wanton smash-up. At last I got under the trees. My purpose was to stroll into the shade for a moment; but no sooner within than it seemed to me I had stepped into the gloomy circle of some Inferno. The rapids were near, and an uninterrupted, uniform, headlong, rushing noise filled the mournful stillness of the grove, where not a breath stirred, not a leaf moved, with a mysterious sound—as though the tearing pace of the launched earth had suddenly become audible.
“I avoided a huge artificial hole someone had been digging on the slope, and I couldn't figure out what it was for. It definitely wasn’t a quarry or a sandpit. It was just a hole. Maybe it was part of some charitable initiative to give criminals something to do. I have no idea. Then I nearly tripped into a very narrow ravine, barely more than a scar in the hillside. I noticed that a bunch of imported drainage pipes for the settlement had been thrown in there. Not a single one was intact. It was a total wreck. Finally, I got under the trees. I intended to take a moment in the shade, but as soon as I entered, it felt like I had stepped into the gloomy circle of some sort of Hell. The rapids were close by, and there was a constant, rushing noise that broke the mournful stillness of the grove, where not a breath stirred, not a leaf moved, with an eerie sound—as if the fierce pace of the earth’s movement had suddenly become audible.”
“Black shapes crouched, lay, sat between the trees leaning against the trunks, clinging to the earth, half coming out, half effaced within the dim light, in all the attitudes of pain, abandonment, and despair. Another mine on the cliff went off, followed by a slight shudder of the soil under my feet. The work was going on. The work! And this was the place where some of the helpers had withdrawn to die.
“Dark figures were crouched, lying, or sitting between the trees, leaning against the trunks and clinging to the ground, partly emerging and partly blending into the dim light, showing all the postures of pain, abandonment, and despair. Another mine on the cliff exploded, followed by a slight tremor in the ground beneath my feet. The work continued. The work! And this was the spot where some of the helpers had pulled away to die.
“They were dying slowly—it was very clear. They were not enemies, they were not criminals, they were nothing earthly now—nothing but black shadows of disease and starvation, lying confusedly in the greenish gloom. Brought from all the recesses of the coast in all the legality of time contracts, lost in uncongenial surroundings, fed on unfamiliar food, they sickened, became inefficient, and were then allowed to crawl away and rest. These moribund shapes were free as air—and nearly as thin. I began to distinguish the gleam of the eyes under the trees. Then, glancing down, I saw a face near my hand. The black bones reclined at full length with one shoulder against the tree, and slowly the eyelids rose and the sunken eyes looked up at me, enormous and vacant, a kind of blind, white flicker in the depths of the orbs, which died out slowly. The man seemed young—almost a boy—but you know with them it’s hard to tell. I found nothing else to do but to offer him one of my good Swede’s ship’s biscuits I had in my pocket. The fingers closed slowly on it and held—there was no other movement and no other glance. He had tied a bit of white worsted round his neck—Why? Where did he get it? Was it a badge—an ornament—a charm—a propitiatory act? Was there any idea at all connected with it? It looked startling round his black neck, this bit of white thread from beyond the seas.
“They were dying slowly—it was very obvious. They weren’t enemies, they weren’t criminals; they were nothing human anymore—just black shadows of disease and starvation, lying helplessly in the greenish gloom. Brought from all over the coast through all the legal contracts of the time, lost in unfamiliar surroundings and fed on strange food, they grew weak, became ineffective, and were then allowed to crawl away and rest. These lifeless figures were as free as air—and nearly as thin. I began to see the flicker of eyes under the trees. Then, glancing down, I noticed a face near my hand. The black bones lay sprawled with one shoulder against the tree, and slowly the eyelids opened, revealing sunken eyes looking up at me—huge and vacant, a kind of blind, white flicker deep within them that faded away slowly. The man seemed young—almost a boy—but you know it’s hard to tell with them. I didn’t know what else to do but offer him one of my good Swedish ship’s biscuits I had in my pocket. His fingers closed slowly around it and held on—there was no other movement, no other glance. He had tied a piece of white thread around his neck—why? Where did he get it? Was it a badge, an ornament, a charm, or some kind of offering? Was there any meaning at all attached to it? It looked striking against his black neck, this bit of white thread from across the seas.”
“Near the same tree two more bundles of acute angles sat with their legs drawn up. One, with his chin propped on his knees, stared at nothing, in an intolerable and appalling manner: his brother phantom rested its forehead, as if overcome with a great weariness; and all about others were scattered in every pose of contorted collapse, as in some picture of a massacre or a pestilence. While I stood horror-struck, one of these creatures rose to his hands and knees, and went off on all-fours towards the river to drink. He lapped out of his hand, then sat up in the sunlight, crossing his shins in front of him, and after a time let his woolly head fall on his breastbone.
“By the same tree, two more bundles of sharp angles sat with their legs drawn up. One, with his chin resting on his knees, stared blankly into space, looking completely unhinged: his brother ghost leaned forward, seemingly overwhelmed with exhaustion; and all around them, others were scattered in every pose of twisted collapse, like some scene from a massacre or a plague. While I stood there in shock, one of these beings got up on his hands and knees and crawled off toward the river to drink. He lapped water from his hand, then sat up in the sunlight, crossing his shins in front of him, and after a while let his fuzzy head droop onto his chest.”
“I didn’t want any more loitering in the shade, and I made haste towards the station. When near the buildings I met a white man, in such an unexpected elegance of get-up that in the first moment I took him for a sort of vision. I saw a high starched collar, white cuffs, a light alpaca jacket, snowy trousers, a clean necktie, and varnished boots. No hat. Hair parted, brushed, oiled, under a green-lined parasol held in a big white hand. He was amazing, and had a penholder behind his ear.
“I didn’t want to hang around in the shade anymore, so I rushed toward the station. When I got close to the buildings, I saw a white man dressed so unexpectedly well that for a moment, I thought he was some kind of vision. He had a high starched collar, white cuffs, a light alpaca jacket, white trousers, a neat necktie, and polished boots. No hat. His hair was parted, slicked back, and oiled, all while he stood under a green-lined parasol held in a large white hand. He was impressive and had a penholder tucked behind his ear.
“I shook hands with this miracle, and I learned he was the Company’s chief accountant, and that all the book-keeping was done at this station. He had come out for a moment, he said, ‘to get a breath of fresh air. The expression sounded wonderfully odd, with its suggestion of sedentary desk-life. I wouldn’t have mentioned the fellow to you at all, only it was from his lips that I first heard the name of the man who is so indissolubly connected with the memories of that time. Moreover, I respected the fellow. Yes; I respected his collars, his vast cuffs, his brushed hair. His appearance was certainly that of a hairdresser’s dummy; but in the great demoralization of the land he kept up his appearance. That’s backbone. His starched collars and got-up shirt-fronts were achievements of character. He had been out nearly three years; and, later, I could not help asking him how he managed to sport such linen. He had just the faintest blush, and said modestly, ‘I’ve been teaching one of the native women about the station. It was difficult. She had a distaste for the work.’ Thus this man had verily accomplished something. And he was devoted to his books, which were in apple-pie order.
"I shook hands with this remarkable guy, and I learned he was the Company’s chief accountant, handling all the bookkeeping at this station. He had stepped out for a moment, he said, 'to get some fresh air.' The phrase sounded strangely amusing, hinting at a life spent sitting at a desk. I wouldn’t have even mentioned him to you if it weren't for the fact that it was from him I first heard the name of the person permanently linked to my memories from that time. Plus, I had a lot of respect for him. Yes; I admired his collars, his large cuffs, and his neatly brushed hair. He definitely looked like a mannequin from a salon; yet amidst the widespread chaos of the country, he maintained his appearance. That takes real strength. His starched collars and well-pressed shirt front were true marks of character. He had been there for nearly three years; and later, I couldn't help but ask him how he managed to keep such nice linen. He blushed just a little and modestly said, 'I’ve been teaching one of the local women about the station. It was tough. She didn’t want to do the work.' So this guy really had achieved something. And he was dedicated to his books, which were perfectly organized."
“Everything else in the station was in a muddle—heads, things, buildings. Strings of dusty niggers with splay feet arrived and departed; a stream of manufactured goods, rubbishy cottons, beads, and brass-wire sent into the depths of darkness, and in return came a precious trickle of ivory.
“Everything else in the station was a mess—people, stuff, buildings. Groups of dusty people with splayed feet came and went; a flow of cheap goods, worthless cottons, beads, and brass wire went into the depths of darkness, and in return, there was a valuable trickle of ivory."
“I had to wait in the station for ten days—an eternity. I lived in a hut in the yard, but to be out of the chaos I would sometimes get into the accountant’s office. It was built of horizontal planks, and so badly put together that, as he bent over his high desk, he was barred from neck to heels with narrow strips of sunlight. There was no need to open the big shutter to see. It was hot there, too; big flies buzzed fiendishly, and did not sting, but stabbed. I sat generally on the floor, while, of faultless appearance (and even slightly scented), perching on a high stool, he wrote, he wrote. Sometimes he stood up for exercise. When a truckle-bed with a sick man (some invalid agent from upcountry) was put in there, he exhibited a gentle annoyance. ‘The groans of this sick person,’ he said, ‘distract my attention. And without that it is extremely difficult to guard against clerical errors in this climate.’
“I had to wait at the station for ten days—an eternity. I lived in a small hut in the yard, but to escape the chaos, I would sometimes slip into the accountant’s office. It was made of horizontal planks and was so poorly constructed that, as he leaned over his tall desk, he was striped from neck to heels with narrow beams of sunlight. There was no need to open the big shutter to see. It was hot in there too; large flies buzzed around, not stinging but jabbing. I usually sat on the floor while, perfectly put together (and even a bit fragrant), perched on a high stool, he kept writing, writing. Occasionally, he stood up to stretch. When a bed with a sick man (some invalid agent from the countryside) was brought in, he showed a mild annoyance. ‘The groans of this sick person,’ he said, ‘distract my attention. And on top of that, it's extremely difficult to avoid clerical errors in this climate.’”
“One day he remarked, without lifting his head, ‘In the interior you will no doubt meet Mr. Kurtz.’ On my asking who Mr. Kurtz was, he said he was a first-class agent; and seeing my disappointment at this information, he added slowly, laying down his pen, ‘He is a very remarkable person.’ Further questions elicited from him that Mr. Kurtz was at present in charge of a trading-post, a very important one, in the true ivory-country, at ‘the very bottom of there. Sends in as much ivory as all the others put together...’ He began to write again. The sick man was too ill to groan. The flies buzzed in a great peace.
“One day he said, without looking up, ‘You’ll definitely meet Mr. Kurtz in the interior.’ When I asked who Mr. Kurtz was, he mentioned he was a top agent; and seeing my disappointment with that answer, he added slowly, putting down his pen, ‘He’s a very remarkable person.’ Further questions revealed that Mr. Kurtz was currently in charge of a trading post, a really important one, in the genuine ivory country, ‘at the very bottom of there. He sends in as much ivory as all the others combined...’ He started writing again. The sick man was too weak to groan. The flies buzzed in a deep silence.”
“Suddenly there was a growing murmur of voices and a great tramping of feet. A caravan had come in. A violent babble of uncouth sounds burst out on the other side of the planks. All the carriers were speaking together, and in the midst of the uproar the lamentable voice of the chief agent was heard ‘giving it up’ tearfully for the twentieth time that day.... He rose slowly. ‘What a frightful row,’ he said. He crossed the room gently to look at the sick man, and returning, said to me, ‘He does not hear.’ ‘What! Dead?’ I asked, startled. ‘No, not yet,’ he answered, with great composure. Then, alluding with a toss of the head to the tumult in the station-yard, ‘When one has got to make correct entries, one comes to hate those savages—hate them to the death.’ He remained thoughtful for a moment. ‘When you see Mr. Kurtz’ he went on, ‘tell him from me that everything here’—he glanced at the deck—‘is very satisfactory. I don’t like to write to him—with those messengers of ours you never know who may get hold of your letter—at that Central Station.’ He stared at me for a moment with his mild, bulging eyes. ‘Oh, he will go far, very far,’ he began again. ‘He will be a somebody in the Administration before long. They, above—the Council in Europe, you know—mean him to be.’
“Suddenly, there was a rising murmur of voices and a loud thumping of feet. A caravan had arrived. A chaotic mix of rough sounds erupted on the other side of the planks. All the carriers were talking at once, and amid the noise, the sorrowful voice of the chief agent was heard ‘giving up’ tearfully for the twentieth time that day.... He stood up slowly. ‘What a terrible racket,’ he said. He walked gently across the room to check on the sick man, and returning, told me, ‘He doesn’t hear.’ ‘What! Dead?’ I asked, shocked. ‘No, not yet,’ he replied, very calmly. Then, with a nod towards the chaos in the station yard, he said, ‘When you have to make accurate entries, you come to hate those savages—hate them to death.’ He paused for a moment in thought. ‘When you see Mr. Kurtz,’ he continued, ‘tell him from me that everything here’—he glanced at the deck—‘is very satisfactory. I don’t want to write to him— with those messengers of ours, you never know who might get your letter—at that Central Station.’ He looked at me for a moment with his gentle, bulging eyes. ‘Oh, he will go far, very far,’ he started again. ‘He’ll be someone in the Administration soon. They, up there—the Council in Europe, you know—want him to be.’”
“He turned to his work. The noise outside had ceased, and presently in going out I stopped at the door. In the steady buzz of flies the homeward-bound agent was lying finished and insensible; the other, bent over his books, was making correct entries of perfectly correct transactions; and fifty feet below the doorstep I could see the still tree-tops of the grove of death.
“He focused on his work. The noise outside had quieted down, and soon, as I was about to leave, I paused at the door. In the constant buzz of flies, the returning agent was lying there, finished and unaware; the other one, hunched over his books, was making accurate entries of completely accurate transactions; and fifty feet below the doorstep, I could see the silent treetops of the grove of death.
“Next day I left that station at last, with a caravan of sixty men, for a two-hundred-mile tramp.
“Next day I finally left that station, together with a caravan of sixty men, for a two-hundred-mile trek.
“No use telling you much about that. Paths, paths, everywhere; a stamped-in network of paths spreading over the empty land, through the long grass, through burnt grass, through thickets, down and up chilly ravines, up and down stony hills ablaze with heat; and a solitude, a solitude, nobody, not a hut. The population had cleared out a long time ago. Well, if a lot of mysterious niggers armed with all kinds of fearful weapons suddenly took to travelling on the road between Deal and Gravesend, catching the yokels right and left to carry heavy loads for them, I fancy every farm and cottage thereabouts would get empty very soon. Only here the dwellings were gone, too. Still I passed through several abandoned villages. There’s something pathetically childish in the ruins of grass walls. Day after day, with the stamp and shuffle of sixty pair of bare feet behind me, each pair under a 60-lb. load. Camp, cook, sleep, strike camp, march. Now and then a carrier dead in harness, at rest in the long grass near the path, with an empty water-gourd and his long staff lying by his side. A great silence around and above. Perhaps on some quiet night the tremor of far-off drums, sinking, swelling, a tremor vast, faint; a sound weird, appealing, suggestive, and wild—and perhaps with as profound a meaning as the sound of bells in a Christian country. Once a white man in an unbuttoned uniform, camping on the path with an armed escort of lank Zanzibaris, very hospitable and festive—not to say drunk. Was looking after the upkeep of the road, he declared. Can’t say I saw any road or any upkeep, unless the body of a middle-aged negro, with a bullet-hole in the forehead, upon which I absolutely stumbled three miles farther on, may be considered as a permanent improvement. I had a white companion, too, not a bad chap, but rather too fleshy and with the exasperating habit of fainting on the hot hillsides, miles away from the least bit of shade and water. Annoying, you know, to hold your own coat like a parasol over a man’s head while he is coming to. I couldn’t help asking him once what he meant by coming there at all. ‘To make money, of course. What do you think?’ he said, scornfully. Then he got fever, and had to be carried in a hammock slung under a pole. As he weighed sixteen stone I had no end of rows with the carriers. They jibbed, ran away, sneaked off with their loads in the night—quite a mutiny. So, one evening, I made a speech in English with gestures, not one of which was lost to the sixty pairs of eyes before me, and the next morning I started the hammock off in front all right. An hour afterwards I came upon the whole concern wrecked in a bush—man, hammock, groans, blankets, horrors. The heavy pole had skinned his poor nose. He was very anxious for me to kill somebody, but there wasn’t the shadow of a carrier near. I remembered the old doctor—‘It would be interesting for science to watch the mental changes of individuals, on the spot.’ I felt I was becoming scientifically interesting. However, all that is to no purpose. On the fifteenth day I came in sight of the big river again, and hobbled into the Central Station. It was on a back water surrounded by scrub and forest, with a pretty border of smelly mud on one side, and on the three others enclosed by a crazy fence of rushes. A neglected gap was all the gate it had, and the first glance at the place was enough to let you see the flabby devil was running that show. White men with long staves in their hands appeared languidly from amongst the buildings, strolling up to take a look at me, and then retired out of sight somewhere. One of them, a stout, excitable chap with black moustaches, informed me with great volubility and many digressions, as soon as I told him who I was, that my steamer was at the bottom of the river. I was thunderstruck. What, how, why? Oh, it was ‘all right.’ The ‘manager himself’ was there. All quite correct. ‘Everybody had behaved splendidly! splendidly!’—‘you must,’ he said in agitation, ‘go and see the general manager at once. He is waiting!’
“No point in explaining too much. Paths, paths, everywhere; a stamped-in network of paths stretching over the empty land, through tall grass, through burnt grass, through thickets, up and down chilly ravines, over stony hills blazing with heat; and a solitude, a solitude, no one around, not a single hut. The people had left long ago. Well, if a group of mysterious armed locals suddenly started traveling the road between Deal and Gravesend, catching the villagers left and right to carry heavy loads for them, I bet every farm and cottage nearby would be empty pretty quickly. But here, even the homes were gone. Still, I passed through several abandoned villages. There’s something heartbreakingly innocent about the ruins of grass walls. Day after day, with the stamp and shuffle of sixty pairs of bare feet behind me, each pair carrying a 60-lb. load. Camp, cook, sleep, break camp, march. Now and then, a carrier dead in harness, resting in the tall grass alongside the path, with an empty water-gourd and his long staff beside him. A great silence all around. Maybe on some quiet night, the distant sound of drums, rising and falling, a vast, faint tremor; a sound strange, appealing, evocative, and wild—and perhaps with as deep a meaning as the sound of bells in a Christian country. Once, a white man in an unbuttoned uniform, camping on the path with an armed escort of lanky Zanzibaris, very welcoming and festive—if not a bit drunk. He claimed he was looking after the road’s maintenance. I can’t say I saw any road or any maintenance, unless the body of a middle-aged man with a bullet hole in his forehead, which I literally stumbled upon three miles later, could be considered a permanent improvement. I also had a white companion, not a bad guy, but a bit overweight and with the irritating habit of fainting on hot hillsides, miles away from any shade and water. It’s annoying, you know, to hold your own coat like a parasol over a guy's head while he’s coming to. I couldn’t help asking him once what he expected to gain by being there at all. ‘To make money, of course. What do you think?’ he replied scornfully. Then he got a fever and had to be carried in a hammock slung under a pole. Since he weighed sixteen stone, I had no end of arguments with the carriers. They balked, ran away, snuck off with their loads at night—almost a mutiny. So, one evening, I made a speech in English with gestures, every one of which was noted by the sixty pairs of eyes in front of me, and the next morning I got the hammock moving okay. An hour later, I found the whole operation wrecked in a bush—man, hammock, groans, blankets, the works. The heavy pole had scraped his poor nose. He was very eager for me to kill someone, but there wasn’t a carrier in sight. I remembered the old doctor—‘It would be interesting for science to observe the mental changes of individuals in the field.’ I felt like I was becoming scientifically interesting myself. Anyway, all that was pointless. On the fifteenth day, I finally saw the big river again and limped into the Central Station. It was on a backwater surrounded by scrub and forest, with a messy border of smelly mud on one side, and enclosed on the other three sides by a rickety fence of rushes. A neglected gap was the only entrance, and the first look at the place made it clear that the flabby devil was running the show. White men with long sticks in their hands appeared slowly from among the buildings, ambled over to check me out, and then disappeared out of sight somewhere. One of them, a chubby, excitable guy with a black moustache, told me with great verbosity and many digressions, as soon as I introduced myself, that my steamer was at the bottom of the river. I was dumbfounded. What, how, why? Oh, it was ‘all right.’ The ‘manager himself’ was there. All perfectly correct. ‘Everybody had behaved splendidly! splendidly!’—‘you must,’ he said anxiously, ‘go and see the general manager at once. He’s waiting!’
“I did not see the real significance of that wreck at once. I fancy I see it now, but I am not sure—not at all. Certainly the affair was too stupid—when I think of it—to be altogether natural. Still... But at the moment it presented itself simply as a confounded nuisance. The steamer was sunk. They had started two days before in a sudden hurry up the river with the manager on board, in charge of some volunteer skipper, and before they had been out three hours they tore the bottom out of her on stones, and she sank near the south bank. I asked myself what I was to do there, now my boat was lost. As a matter of fact, I had plenty to do in fishing my command out of the river. I had to set about it the very next day. That, and the repairs when I brought the pieces to the station, took some months.
“I didn't see the real significance of that wreck right away. I think I see it now, but I'm not really sure—not at all. Honestly, the whole situation was too ridiculous—when I think about it—to be completely natural. Still... At the time, it just seemed like a huge hassle. The steamer had sunk. They had left two days earlier in a sudden rush up the river with the manager on board, being handled by some volunteer captain, and before they were even out for three hours, they ripped the bottom out on some rocks, and she went down near the south bank. I wondered what I was supposed to do there, now that my boat was gone. Actually, I had plenty to do fishing my command out of the river. I had to get started on that the very next day. That, along with the repairs once I got the pieces back to the station, took several months.”
“My first interview with the manager was curious. He did not ask me to sit down after my twenty-mile walk that morning. He was commonplace in complexion, in features, in manners, and in voice. He was of middle size and of ordinary build. His eyes, of the usual blue, were perhaps remarkably cold, and he certainly could make his glance fall on one as trenchant and heavy as an axe. But even at these times the rest of his person seemed to disclaim the intention. Otherwise there was only an indefinable, faint expression of his lips, something stealthy—a smile—not a smile—I remember it, but I can’t explain. It was unconscious, this smile was, though just after he had said something it got intensified for an instant. It came at the end of his speeches like a seal applied on the words to make the meaning of the commonest phrase appear absolutely inscrutable. He was a common trader, from his youth up employed in these parts—nothing more. He was obeyed, yet he inspired neither love nor fear, nor even respect. He inspired uneasiness. That was it! Uneasiness. Not a definite mistrust—just uneasiness—nothing more. You have no idea how effective such a... a... faculty can be. He had no genius for organizing, for initiative, or for order even. That was evident in such things as the deplorable state of the station. He had no learning, and no intelligence. His position had come to him—why? Perhaps because he was never ill... He had served three terms of three years out there... Because triumphant health in the general rout of constitutions is a kind of power in itself. When he went home on leave he rioted on a large scale—pompously. Jack ashore—with a difference—in externals only. This one could gather from his casual talk. He originated nothing, he could keep the routine going—that’s all. But he was great. He was great by this little thing that it was impossible to tell what could control such a man. He never gave that secret away. Perhaps there was nothing within him. Such a suspicion made one pause—for out there there were no external checks. Once when various tropical diseases had laid low almost every ‘agent’ in the station, he was heard to say, ‘Men who come out here should have no entrails.’ He sealed the utterance with that smile of his, as though it had been a door opening into a darkness he had in his keeping. You fancied you had seen things—but the seal was on. When annoyed at meal-times by the constant quarrels of the white men about precedence, he ordered an immense round table to be made, for which a special house had to be built. This was the station’s mess-room. Where he sat was the first place—the rest were nowhere. One felt this to be his unalterable conviction. He was neither civil nor uncivil. He was quiet. He allowed his ‘boy’—an overfed young negro from the coast—to treat the white men, under his very eyes, with provoking insolence.
My first interview with the manager was odd. He didn’t ask me to sit down after my twenty-mile walk that morning. He was pretty average in looks, features, manners, and voice. He was of medium height and build. His blue eyes were maybe unusually cold, and he definitely had a way of looking at you that felt sharp and heavy like an axe. But even then, the rest of him seemed to contradict that intention. Other than that, there was just a vague, subtle expression on his lips—something sneaky—a smile—not really a smile—I remember it, but I can’t explain. It was an unconscious smile, though it intensified for a moment right after he said something. It popped up at the end of his speeches like a stamp on his words, making even the simplest phrases seem completely mysterious. He was just a typical trader, always employed in this area—nothing more. People followed his lead, but he didn’t inspire love, fear, or even respect. He made people uneasy. That was it! Uneasy. Not outright distrust—just unease—nothing more. You can’t imagine how powerful such a... a... trait can be. He had no talent for organizing, initiating, or keeping things in order. That was clear from the terrible condition of the station. He lacked education and intelligence. His position came to him—why? Maybe because he was never sick... He had done three terms of three years out there... Because being exceptionally healthy amidst a general decline in others is a kind of power in itself. When he went home on leave, he went all out—pompously. Jack on shore—with a twist—only in appearances. You could tell this from his casual conversation. He created nothing; he could just keep the routine going—that’s all. But he was important. He mattered because it was impossible to tell what could control such a man. He never revealed that secret. Maybe there was nothing inside him. That thought made you hesitate—because out there, there were no external checks. Once, when various tropical diseases had almost taken out every ‘agent’ in the station, he was heard saying, “Men who come out here should have no insides.” He punctuated that statement with his signature smile, as if it was a door opening into a darkness he possessed. You thought you had glimpsed things—but the seal was on. When he got annoyed at meals by the constant bickering of the white men over who got to go first, he ordered a massive round table to be made, for which a special house had to be built. This became the station’s dining room. Where he sat was the top seat—the others were insignificant. You could feel that this was his unwavering belief. He was neither polite nor rude. He was quiet. He let his ‘boy’—a plump young Black man from the coast—disrespect the white men right in front of him, with brazen insolence.
“He began to speak as soon as he saw me. I had been very long on the road. He could not wait. Had to start without me. The up-river stations had to be relieved. There had been so many delays already that he did not know who was dead and who was alive, and how they got on—and so on, and so on. He paid no attention to my explanations, and, playing with a stick of sealing-wax, repeated several times that the situation was ‘very grave, very grave.’ There were rumours that a very important station was in jeopardy, and its chief, Mr. Kurtz, was ill. Hoped it was not true. Mr. Kurtz was... I felt weary and irritable. Hang Kurtz, I thought. I interrupted him by saying I had heard of Mr. Kurtz on the coast. ‘Ah! So they talk of him down there,’ he murmured to himself. Then he began again, assuring me Mr. Kurtz was the best agent he had, an exceptional man, of the greatest importance to the Company; therefore I could understand his anxiety. He was, he said, ‘very, very uneasy.’ Certainly he fidgeted on his chair a good deal, exclaimed, ‘Ah, Mr. Kurtz!’ broke the stick of sealing-wax and seemed dumfounded by the accident. Next thing he wanted to know ‘how long it would take to’... I interrupted him again. Being hungry, you know, and kept on my feet too. I was getting savage. ‘How can I tell?’ I said. ‘I haven’t even seen the wreck yet—some months, no doubt.’ All this talk seemed to me so futile. ‘Some months,’ he said. ‘Well, let us say three months before we can make a start. Yes. That ought to do the affair.’ I flung out of his hut (he lived all alone in a clay hut with a sort of verandah) muttering to myself my opinion of him. He was a chattering idiot. Afterwards I took it back when it was borne in upon me startlingly with what extreme nicety he had estimated the time requisite for the ‘affair.’
“He started talking as soon as he saw me. I had been on the road for a long time. He couldn't wait. Had to begin without me. The up-river stations needed to be taken care of. There had been so many delays already that he didn't know who was dead or alive, or how things were going—and so on, and so on. He ignored my explanations, and, playing with a stick of sealing wax, kept repeating that the situation was ‘very grave, very grave.’ There were rumors that a very important station was in danger, and its chief, Mr. Kurtz, was sick. I hoped that wasn’t true. Mr. Kurtz was... I felt tired and irritable. Forget Kurtz, I thought. I interrupted him by mentioning that I had heard of Mr. Kurtz on the coast. ‘Ah! So they talk about him down there,’ he murmured to himself. Then he started again, assuring me Mr. Kurtz was his best agent, an exceptional man, extremely important to the Company; so I could understand his worry. He said he was ‘very, very uneasy.’ He certainly fidgeted in his chair a lot, exclaimed, ‘Ah, Mr. Kurtz!’ broke the stick of sealing wax, and seemed shocked by the accident. The next thing he wanted to know was ‘how long it would take to’... I interrupted him again. I was hungry, you know, and still on my feet. I was getting angry. ‘How can I tell?’ I said. ‘I haven’t even seen the wreck yet—some months, no doubt.’ All this talk felt so pointless. ‘Some months,’ he said. ‘Well, let’s say three months before we can start. Yes. That should work for the situation.’ I stormed out of his hut (he lived all alone in a clay hut with a sort of verandah) muttering my opinion of him. He was a chattering idiot. Later, I took that back when I suddenly realized how accurately he had estimated the time required for the ‘situation.’
“I went to work the next day, turning, so to speak, my back on that station. In that way only it seemed to me I could keep my hold on the redeeming facts of life. Still, one must look about sometimes; and then I saw this station, these men strolling aimlessly about in the sunshine of the yard. I asked myself sometimes what it all meant. They wandered here and there with their absurd long staves in their hands, like a lot of faithless pilgrims bewitched inside a rotten fence. The word ‘ivory’ rang in the air, was whispered, was sighed. You would think they were praying to it. A taint of imbecile rapacity blew through it all, like a whiff from some corpse. By Jove! I’ve never seen anything so unreal in my life. And outside, the silent wilderness surrounding this cleared speck on the earth struck me as something great and invincible, like evil or truth, waiting patiently for the passing away of this fantastic invasion.
“I went to work the next day, essentially turning my back on that station. It felt like the only way I could hold on to the meaningful aspects of life. Still, I had to look around sometimes; and then I saw the station, these guys wandering aimlessly in the sunshine of the yard. I sometimes wondered what it all meant. They strolled around with their ridiculous long sticks in their hands, like a group of disillusioned pilgrims trapped inside a broken fence. The word ‘ivory’ floated in the air, whispered, sighed. You’d think they were praying to it. A hint of foolish greed hung over it all, like a breeze from some decaying corpse. Good grief! I’ve never seen anything so surreal in my life. And outside, the silent wilderness surrounding this tiny patch of land felt monumental and unbeatable, like evil or truth, patiently waiting for this bizarre invasion to fade away.”
“Oh, these months! Well, never mind. Various things happened. One evening a grass shed full of calico, cotton prints, beads, and I don’t know what else, burst into a blaze so suddenly that you would have thought the earth had opened to let an avenging fire consume all that trash. I was smoking my pipe quietly by my dismantled steamer, and saw them all cutting capers in the light, with their arms lifted high, when the stout man with moustaches came tearing down to the river, a tin pail in his hand, assured me that everybody was ‘behaving splendidly, splendidly,’ dipped about a quart of water and tore back again. I noticed there was a hole in the bottom of his pail.
“Oh, these months! Anyway, various things happened. One evening, a grass shed full of calico, cotton prints, beads, and who knows what else suddenly caught fire so quickly that you would have thought the ground opened up to let an avenging flame consume all that junk. I was quietly smoking my pipe by my dismantled steamer and saw them all dancing in the light, arms raised high, when the stout man with a mustache came rushing down to the river, a tin pail in his hand, and assured me that everyone was 'behaving splendidly, splendidly,' scooped up about a quart of water, and rushed back again. I noticed there was a hole in the bottom of his pail.”
“I strolled up. There was no hurry. You see the thing had gone off like a box of matches. It had been hopeless from the very first. The flame had leaped high, driven everybody back, lighted up everything—and collapsed. The shed was already a heap of embers glowing fiercely. A nigger was being beaten near by. They said he had caused the fire in some way; be that as it may, he was screeching most horribly. I saw him, later, for several days, sitting in a bit of shade looking very sick and trying to recover himself; afterwards he arose and went out—and the wilderness without a sound took him into its bosom again. As I approached the glow from the dark I found myself at the back of two men, talking. I heard the name of Kurtz pronounced, then the words, ‘take advantage of this unfortunate accident.’ One of the men was the manager. I wished him a good evening. ‘Did you ever see anything like it—eh? it is incredible,’ he said, and walked off. The other man remained. He was a first-class agent, young, gentlemanly, a bit reserved, with a forked little beard and a hooked nose. He was stand-offish with the other agents, and they on their side said he was the manager’s spy upon them. As to me, I had hardly ever spoken to him before. We got into talk, and by and by we strolled away from the hissing ruins. Then he asked me to his room, which was in the main building of the station. He struck a match, and I perceived that this young aristocrat had not only a silver-mounted dressing-case but also a whole candle all to himself. Just at that time the manager was the only man supposed to have any right to candles. Native mats covered the clay walls; a collection of spears, assegais, shields, knives was hung up in trophies. The business intrusted to this fellow was the making of bricks—so I had been informed; but there wasn’t a fragment of a brick anywhere in the station, and he had been there more than a year—waiting. It seems he could not make bricks without something, I don’t know what—straw maybe. Anyway, it could not be found there and as it was not likely to be sent from Europe, it did not appear clear to me what he was waiting for. An act of special creation perhaps. However, they were all waiting—all the sixteen or twenty pilgrims of them—for something; and upon my word it did not seem an uncongenial occupation, from the way they took it, though the only thing that ever came to them was disease—as far as I could see. They beguiled the time by back-biting and intriguing against each other in a foolish kind of way. There was an air of plotting about that station, but nothing came of it, of course. It was as unreal as everything else—as the philanthropic pretence of the whole concern, as their talk, as their government, as their show of work. The only real feeling was a desire to get appointed to a trading-post where ivory was to be had, so that they could earn percentages. They intrigued and slandered and hated each other only on that account—but as to effectually lifting a little finger—oh, no. By heavens! there is something after all in the world allowing one man to steal a horse while another must not look at a halter. Steal a horse straight out. Very well. He has done it. Perhaps he can ride. But there is a way of looking at a halter that would provoke the most charitable of saints into a kick.
I walked up slowly. There was no rush. You see, the situation had exploded like a box of matches. It had been doomed from the start. The flames shot up high, forcing everyone back, illuminating everything—and then it came crashing down. The shed was already a pile of glowing embers. A Black man was being beaten nearby. They claimed he had somehow caused the fire; regardless, he was screaming in agony. I saw him later, for several days, sitting in a small patch of shade, looking very ill and trying to recover; eventually, he got up and walked away—and the wilderness quietly embraced him again. As I approached the light through the darkness, I found myself behind two men talking. I heard the name Kurtz mentioned, followed by the words, ‘take advantage of this unfortunate accident.’ One of the men was the manager. I greeted him and said good evening. ‘Have you ever seen anything like it? It’s unbelievable,’ he replied and walked off. The other man stayed. He was a first-class agent, young, polished, a bit reserved, with a small forked beard and a hooked nose. He kept his distance from the other agents, and they, in turn, said he was spying on them for the manager. As for me, I had hardly ever spoken to him before. We started chatting, and before long, we walked away from the hissing ruins. Then he invited me to his room in the main building of the station. He struck a match, and I noticed that this young aristocrat not only had a silver-mounted dressing case but also his own candle. At that time, the manager was the only one supposed to have candles. Native mats covered the clay walls; a collection of spears, assegais, shields, and knives was displayed as trophies. The job assigned to this guy was to make bricks—so I had been told; but there wasn’t a single brick in sight at the station, and he had been there for over a year—waiting. Apparently, he couldn’t make bricks without something, I don’t know what—maybe straw. Anyway, it couldn’t be found there, and since it wasn’t likely to be sent from Europe, I didn’t understand what he was waiting for. Perhaps a special act of creation. However, they were all waiting—all sixteen or twenty of them—for something; and honestly, it didn’t seem like an unpleasant way to pass the time, based on how they approached it, even though the only thing that ever reached them was disease—as far as I could tell. They passed the time by backbiting and scheming against one another in a silly way. There was a sense of plotting around that station, but nothing ever came of it, of course. It felt as unreal as everything else—like the philanthropic façade of the whole operation, their conversations, their governance, their show of work. The only genuine emotion was a desire to be assigned to a trading post where ivory was available, so they could earn commissions. They schemed, slandered, and despised each other only for that reason—but when it came to actually doing anything—oh, no. By heavens! There’s something in the world that allows one man to steal a horse while another isn't even allowed to look at a halter. Steal a horse right out. Alright. He’s done it. Maybe he can ride. But there’s a way of looking at a halter that would provoke the kindest of souls into a kick.
“I had no idea why he wanted to be sociable, but as we chatted in there it suddenly occurred to me the fellow was trying to get at something—in fact, pumping me. He alluded constantly to Europe, to the people I was supposed to know there—putting leading questions as to my acquaintances in the sepulchral city, and so on. His little eyes glittered like mica discs—with curiosity—though he tried to keep up a bit of superciliousness. At first I was astonished, but very soon I became awfully curious to see what he would find out from me. I couldn’t possibly imagine what I had in me to make it worth his while. It was very pretty to see how he baffled himself, for in truth my body was full only of chills, and my head had nothing in it but that wretched steamboat business. It was evident he took me for a perfectly shameless prevaricator. At last he got angry, and, to conceal a movement of furious annoyance, he yawned. I rose. Then I noticed a small sketch in oils, on a panel, representing a woman, draped and blindfolded, carrying a lighted torch. The background was sombre—almost black. The movement of the woman was stately, and the effect of the torchlight on the face was sinister.
“I had no idea why he wanted to be friendly, but as we talked in there, it suddenly hit me that the guy was trying to get something out of me—basically fishing for information. He kept bringing up Europe and the people I was supposed to know there—asking leading questions about my friends in that gloomy city, and so on. His little eyes sparkled like mica disks—with curiosity—even though he tried to act a bit superior. At first, I was surprised, but soon I became really curious to see what he would find out from me. I couldn’t understand what I had that would make it worth his time. It was interesting to see how he puzzled himself, because honestly, I was just filled with chills, and my mind was occupied only with that annoying steamboat situation. It was clear he thought I was a total liar. Eventually, he got angry, and to hide his frustration, he yawned. I stood up. That’s when I noticed a small oil painting on a panel, showing a woman, draped and blindfolded, carrying a lit torch. The background was dark—almost black. The woman had a graceful demeanor, and the light from the torch cast a sinister glow on her face.”
“It arrested me, and he stood by civilly, holding an empty half-pint champagne bottle (medical comforts) with the candle stuck in it. To my question he said Mr. Kurtz had painted this—in this very station more than a year ago—while waiting for means to go to his trading post. ‘Tell me, pray,’ said I, ‘who is this Mr. Kurtz?’
“It caught my attention, and he stood there politely, holding an empty half-pint champagne bottle (for medical purposes) with a candle stuck in it. When I asked him, he said Mr. Kurtz had painted this—in this very station more than a year ago—while waiting for transportation to his trading post. ‘Please tell me,’ I said, ‘who is this Mr. Kurtz?’”
“‘The chief of the Inner Station,’ he answered in a short tone, looking away. ‘Much obliged,’ I said, laughing. ‘And you are the brickmaker of the Central Station. Every one knows that.’ He was silent for a while. ‘He is a prodigy,’ he said at last. ‘He is an emissary of pity and science and progress, and devil knows what else. We want,’ he began to declaim suddenly, ‘for the guidance of the cause intrusted to us by Europe, so to speak, higher intelligence, wide sympathies, a singleness of purpose.’ ‘Who says that?’ I asked. ‘Lots of them,’ he replied. ‘Some even write that; and so he comes here, a special being, as you ought to know.’ ‘Why ought I to know?’ I interrupted, really surprised. He paid no attention. ‘Yes. Today he is chief of the best station, next year he will be assistant-manager, two years more and... but I dare-say you know what he will be in two years’ time. You are of the new gang—the gang of virtue. The same people who sent him specially also recommended you. Oh, don’t say no. I’ve my own eyes to trust.’ Light dawned upon me. My dear aunt’s influential acquaintances were producing an unexpected effect upon that young man. I nearly burst into a laugh. ‘Do you read the Company’s confidential correspondence?’ I asked. He hadn’t a word to say. It was great fun. ‘When Mr. Kurtz,’ I continued, severely, ‘is General Manager, you won’t have the opportunity.’
“The chief of the Inner Station,” he replied shortly, looking away. “Thanks,” I said, laughing. “And you’re the brickmaker of the Central Station. Everyone knows that.” He was quiet for a moment. “He’s a genius,” he finally said. “He’s a messenger of compassion and knowledge and progress, and who knows what else. We need,” he suddenly started to rant, “for the guidance of the mission entrusted to us by Europe, so to speak, greater intelligence, broad understanding, a clear purpose.” “Who says that?” I asked. “Lots of people,” he answered. “Some even write about it; and so he comes here, a special being, as you should know.” “Why should I know?” I interrupted, genuinely surprised. He ignored me. “Yes. Today he’s the head of the best station, next year he’ll be the assistant manager, two years later and... but I’m sure you know what he’ll be in two years’ time. You’re part of the new crew—the crew of virtue. The same people who sent him here also recommended you. Oh, don’t deny it. I can trust my own eyes.” Suddenly, it clicked. My dear aunt’s influential friends were making an unexpected impact on that young man. I almost laughed out loud. “Do you read the Company’s confidential emails?” I asked. He had no response. It was hilarious. “When Mr. Kurtz,” I continued sternly, “is General Manager, you won’t have that chance.”
“He blew the candle out suddenly, and we went outside. The moon had risen. Black figures strolled about listlessly, pouring water on the glow, whence proceeded a sound of hissing; steam ascended in the moonlight, the beaten nigger groaned somewhere. ‘What a row the brute makes!’ said the indefatigable man with the moustaches, appearing near us. ‘Serve him right. Transgression—punishment—bang! Pitiless, pitiless. That’s the only way. This will prevent all conflagrations for the future. I was just telling the manager...’ He noticed my companion, and became crestfallen all at once. ‘Not in bed yet,’ he said, with a kind of servile heartiness; ‘it’s so natural. Ha! Danger—agitation.’ He vanished. I went on to the riverside, and the other followed me. I heard a scathing murmur at my ear, ‘Heap of muffs—go to.’ The pilgrims could be seen in knots gesticulating, discussing. Several had still their staves in their hands. I verily believe they took these sticks to bed with them. Beyond the fence the forest stood up spectrally in the moonlight, and through that dim stir, through the faint sounds of that lamentable courtyard, the silence of the land went home to one’s very heart—its mystery, its greatness, the amazing reality of its concealed life. The hurt nigger moaned feebly somewhere near by, and then fetched a deep sigh that made me mend my pace away from there. I felt a hand introducing itself under my arm. ‘My dear sir,’ said the fellow, ‘I don’t want to be misunderstood, and especially by you, who will see Mr. Kurtz long before I can have that pleasure. I wouldn’t like him to get a false idea of my disposition....’
He suddenly blew out the candle, and we stepped outside. The moon was up. Dark figures wandered around aimlessly, pouring water on the glowing embers, from which a hissing sound came; steam rose in the moonlight, and a beaten man groaned somewhere. "What a racket that guy makes!" said the tireless man with the mustache, appearing near us. "Serves him right. Transgression—punishment—bam! Ruthless, ruthless. That’s the only way. This will stop all future fires. I was just telling the manager..." He saw my companion and immediately looked deflated. "Not in bed yet," he said, with a kind of eager friendliness; "that’s only natural. Ha! Danger—tension." He disappeared. I walked on toward the riverside, and the other followed me. I heard a sharp whisper near my ear, "Bunch of weaklings—get lost." The pilgrims were gathered in groups, gesturing and discussing. Some still held their staffs in their hands. I genuinely think they took those sticks to bed with them. Beyond the fence, the forest loomed eerily in the moonlight, and through that faint movement, through the quiet sounds of that sad courtyard, the silence of the land struck deep within one's heart—its mystery, its greatness, the astonishing reality of its hidden life. The injured man groaned weakly nearby, then let out a deep sigh that made me quicken my pace away from there. I felt a hand slip under my arm. "My dear sir," the guy said, "I don’t want to be misunderstood, especially by you, who will see Mr. Kurtz long before I have that chance. I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea about me..."
“I let him run on, this papier-mache Mephistopheles, and it seemed to me that if I tried I could poke my forefinger through him, and would find nothing inside but a little loose dirt, maybe. He, don’t you see, had been planning to be assistant-manager by and by under the present man, and I could see that the coming of that Kurtz had upset them both not a little. He talked precipitately, and I did not try to stop him. I had my shoulders against the wreck of my steamer, hauled up on the slope like a carcass of some big river animal. The smell of mud, of primeval mud, by Jove! was in my nostrils, the high stillness of primeval forest was before my eyes; there were shiny patches on the black creek. The moon had spread over everything a thin layer of silver—over the rank grass, over the mud, upon the wall of matted vegetation standing higher than the wall of a temple, over the great river I could see through a sombre gap glittering, glittering, as it flowed broadly by without a murmur. All this was great, expectant, mute, while the man jabbered about himself. I wondered whether the stillness on the face of the immensity looking at us two were meant as an appeal or as a menace. What were we who had strayed in here? Could we handle that dumb thing, or would it handle us? I felt how big, how confoundedly big, was that thing that couldn’t talk, and perhaps was deaf as well. What was in there? I could see a little ivory coming out from there, and I had heard Mr. Kurtz was in there. I had heard enough about it, too—God knows! Yet somehow it didn’t bring any image with it—no more than if I had been told an angel or a fiend was in there. I believed it in the same way one of you might believe there are inhabitants in the planet Mars. I knew once a Scotch sailmaker who was certain, dead sure, there were people in Mars. If you asked him for some idea how they looked and behaved, he would get shy and mutter something about ‘walking on all-fours.’ If you as much as smiled, he would—though a man of sixty—offer to fight you. I would not have gone so far as to fight for Kurtz, but I went for him near enough to a lie. You know I hate, detest, and can’t bear a lie, not because I am straighter than the rest of us, but simply because it appalls me. There is a taint of death, a flavour of mortality in lies—which is exactly what I hate and detest in the world—what I want to forget. It makes me miserable and sick, like biting something rotten would do. Temperament, I suppose. Well, I went near enough to it by letting the young fool there believe anything he liked to imagine as to my influence in Europe. I became in an instant as much of a pretence as the rest of the bewitched pilgrims. This simply because I had a notion it somehow would be of help to that Kurtz whom at the time I did not see—you understand. He was just a word for me. I did not see the man in the name any more than you do. Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream—making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams....”
“I let him keep talking, this papier-mache Mephistopheles, and it felt like I could poke my finger right through him, finding nothing inside but maybe some loose dirt. He, you see, was planning to eventually be the assistant manager under the current guy, and I could tell that the arrival of Kurtz had really thrown both of them off their game. He talked rapidly, and I didn’t try to stop him. I had my back against the wreck of my steamer, which was beached like the carcass of a big river animal. The smell of mud, of ancient mud, by God! was in my nose, and the stillness of the ancient forest was before my eyes; there were shiny spots on the dark creek. The moon had covered everything in a thin layer of silver—over the thick grass, over the mud, on the towering wall of tangled vegetation that stood taller than a temple, over the great river that I could see shimmering through a dark gap, flowing smoothly without a sound. All of this was grand, expectant, silent, while the man rambled on about himself. I wondered if the stillness in the vastness watching us was meant as a plea or a threat. Who were we, wandering in here? Could we handle that silent thing, or would it handle us? I felt the overwhelming size of that thing that couldn’t talk and might even be deaf. What was inside? I could see a bit of ivory poking out, and I had heard Kurtz was in there. I had heard enough—God knows! Yet somehow, that didn’t paint any vivid picture in my mind—no more than if someone told me an angel or a demon was in there. I believed it like you might believe there are beings on Mars. I once knew a Scottish sailmaker who was absolutely convinced there were people on Mars. If you asked him what they looked like or how they behaved, he would get embarrassed and mumble something about ‘walking on all-fours.’ If you so much as smiled, he would—despite being sixty—offer to fight you. I wouldn’t go so far as to fight for Kurtz, but I got close enough to a lie. You know I hate, detest, and can’t stand a lie, not because I’m any more honest than the rest of us, but simply because it horrifies me. There’s a hint of death, a taste of mortality in lies—which is exactly what I loathe in this world—what I want to forget. It makes me miserable and sick, like biting into something rotten. It must be my temperament. Well, I let the young fool believe whatever he wanted about my influence in Europe, coming close enough to a deception. In an instant, I became as much of a facade as the rest of the bewitched pilgrims. This was only because I thought it might somehow help Kurtz, whom I didn’t see at the time—you understand. To me, he was just a name. I couldn’t see the man behind the name any more than you do. Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It feels like I’m trying to tell you a dream—making a useless attempt, because no account of a dream can truly capture the feeling of a dream, that mix of absurdity, surprise, and confusion in a struggle, that sense of being caught by the unbelievable, which is at the heart of dreams....”
He was silent for a while.
He remained silent for a bit.
“... No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence—that which makes its truth, its meaning—its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream—alone....”
“... No, it’s impossible; it’s impossible to express the feeling of living in any particular time of one’s life—that which gives it its truth, its meaning—its subtle and deep essence. It’s impossible. We live, just like we dream—alone....”
He paused again as if reflecting, then added:
He paused once more as if thinking, then added:
“Of course in this you fellows see more than I could then. You see me, whom you know....”
“Of course, you guys see more than I could back then. You see me, who you know....”
It had become so pitch dark that we listeners could hardly see one another. For a long time already he, sitting apart, had been no more to us than a voice. There was not a word from anybody. The others might have been asleep, but I was awake. I listened, I listened on the watch for the sentence, for the word, that would give me the clue to the faint uneasiness inspired by this narrative that seemed to shape itself without human lips in the heavy night-air of the river.
It had gotten so dark that we could barely see each other. For a while now, he had just been a voice to us, sitting off by himself. No one said a word. The others might have fallen asleep, but I was wide awake. I listened intently, waiting for the sentence, for the word, that would give me insight into the slight discomfort this story created, seemingly materializing without anyone speaking in the thick night air by the river.
“... Yes—I let him run on,” Marlow began again, “and think what he pleased about the powers that were behind me. I did! And there was nothing behind me! There was nothing but that wretched, old, mangled steamboat I was leaning against, while he talked fluently about ‘the necessity for every man to get on.’ ‘And when one comes out here, you conceive, it is not to gaze at the moon.’ Mr. Kurtz was a ‘universal genius,’ but even a genius would find it easier to work with ‘adequate tools—intelligent men.’ He did not make bricks—why, there was a physical impossibility in the way—as I was well aware; and if he did secretarial work for the manager, it was because ‘no sensible man rejects wantonly the confidence of his superiors.’ Did I see it? I saw it. What more did I want? What I really wanted was rivets, by heaven! Rivets. To get on with the work—to stop the hole. Rivets I wanted. There were cases of them down at the coast—cases—piled up—burst—split! You kicked a loose rivet at every second step in that station-yard on the hillside. Rivets had rolled into the grove of death. You could fill your pockets with rivets for the trouble of stooping down—and there wasn’t one rivet to be found where it was wanted. We had plates that would do, but nothing to fasten them with. And every week the messenger, a long negro, letter-bag on shoulder and staff in hand, left our station for the coast. And several times a week a coast caravan came in with trade goods—ghastly glazed calico that made you shudder only to look at it, glass beads value about a penny a quart, confounded spotted cotton handkerchiefs. And no rivets. Three carriers could have brought all that was wanted to set that steamboat afloat.
“... Yes—I let him talk,” Marlow began again, “and let him believe whatever he wanted about the powers behind me. I did! And there was nothing behind me! Just that old, messed-up steamboat I was leaning against, while he chatted away about ‘the necessity for every man to get on.’ ‘And when someone comes out here, you see, it’s not to gaze at the moon.’ Mr. Kurtz was a ‘universal genius,’ but even a genius would find it easier to work with ‘adequate tools—intelligent men.’ He didn’t make bricks—there was a physical impossibility in the way that I knew all too well; and if he did secretarial work for the manager, it was because ‘no sensible person wantonly rejects the confidence of their superiors.’ Did I see it? I saw it. What more did I want? What I really wanted was rivets, for crying out loud! Rivets. To get on with the work—to stop the hole. Rivets I wanted. There were cases of them down at the coast—cases—stacked up—burst—splintered! You kicked a loose rivet at every second step in that station-yard on the hillside. Rivets had rolled into the grove of death. You could fill your pockets with rivets just by bending down—and there wasn’t one rivet to be found where it was needed. We had plates that could work, but nothing to fasten them with. And every week the messenger, a tall Black man with a letter-bag on his shoulder and a staff in hand, left our station for the coast. And several times a week a caravan from the coast came in with trade goods—ghastly glazed calico that made you shudder just to look at it, glass beads worth about a penny a quart, annoyingly spotted cotton handkerchiefs. And no rivets. Three carriers could have brought everything needed to get that steamboat floating.”
“He was becoming confidential now, but I fancy my unresponsive attitude must have exasperated him at last, for he judged it necessary to inform me he feared neither God nor devil, let alone any mere man. I said I could see that very well, but what I wanted was a certain quantity of rivets—and rivets were what really Mr. Kurtz wanted, if he had only known it. Now letters went to the coast every week.... ‘My dear sir,’ he cried, ‘I write from dictation.’ I demanded rivets. There was a way—for an intelligent man. He changed his manner; became very cold, and suddenly began to talk about a hippopotamus; wondered whether sleeping on board the steamer (I stuck to my salvage night and day) I wasn’t disturbed. There was an old hippo that had the bad habit of getting out on the bank and roaming at night over the station grounds. The pilgrims used to turn out in a body and empty every rifle they could lay hands on at him. Some even had sat up o’ nights for him. All this energy was wasted, though. ‘That animal has a charmed life,’ he said; ‘but you can say this only of brutes in this country. No man—you apprehend me?—no man here bears a charmed life.’ He stood there for a moment in the moonlight with his delicate hooked nose set a little askew, and his mica eyes glittering without a wink, then, with a curt Good-night, he strode off. I could see he was disturbed and considerably puzzled, which made me feel more hopeful than I had been for days. It was a great comfort to turn from that chap to my influential friend, the battered, twisted, ruined, tin-pot steamboat. I clambered on board. She rang under my feet like an empty Huntley & Palmer biscuit-tin kicked along a gutter; she was nothing so solid in make, and rather less pretty in shape, but I had expended enough hard work on her to make me love her. No influential friend would have served me better. She had given me a chance to come out a bit—to find out what I could do. No, I don’t like work. I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don’t like work—no man does—but I like what is in the work—the chance to find yourself. Your own reality—for yourself, not for others—what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means.
“He was getting more personal now, but I think my unresponsive attitude must have finally frustrated him, because he felt it necessary to tell me he feared neither God nor the devil, let alone any mere man. I said I understood that perfectly, but what I needed was a certain number of rivets—and those were what Mr. Kurtz really wanted, if only he realized it. Now letters were sent to the coast every week…. ‘My dear sir,’ he exclaimed, ‘I write from dictation.’ I insisted on rivets. There was a solution—for a smart guy. He changed his tone; became very cold, and suddenly started talking about a hippopotamus; he wondered if I wasn’t disturbed sleeping on board the steamer (I stayed focused on my salvage day and night). There was an old hippo with the bad habit of getting out on the bank and wandering around the station grounds at night. The pilgrims would all gather and shoot at him with every rifle they could find. Some even stayed up at night waiting for him. All this effort was pointless, though. ‘That animal has a charmed life,’ he commented; ‘but you can only say that about animals in this country. No man—you get what I mean?—no man here has a charmed life.’ He stood there for a moment in the moonlight with his delicate hooked nose slightly askew, and his shiny eyes glittering without blinking, then, with a curt Good-night, he walked off. I could tell he was unsettled and quite confused, which made me feel more hopeful than I had in days. It was a great relief to shift my focus from that guy to my influential friend, the battered, twisted, wreck of a steamboat. I climbed on board. She vibrated under my feet like an empty Huntley & Palmer biscuit tin kicked down a gutter; she wasn’t very solidly built and a bit less attractive in shape, but I had put enough hard work into her to make me love her. No influential friend would have been more helpful. She had given me a chance to step out a bit—to see what I could do. No, I don’t like work. I’d rather lounge around and think about all the great things that could be done. I don’t like work—no man does—but I like what you get from working—the chance to discover yourself. Your own reality—for yourself, not for others—something no one else can truly understand. They can only see the surface, and can never grasp what it really signifies.”
“I was not surprised to see somebody sitting aft, on the deck, with his legs dangling over the mud. You see I rather chummed with the few mechanics there were in that station, whom the other pilgrims naturally despised—on account of their imperfect manners, I suppose. This was the foreman—a boiler-maker by trade—a good worker. He was a lank, bony, yellow-faced man, with big intense eyes. His aspect was worried, and his head was as bald as the palm of my hand; but his hair in falling seemed to have stuck to his chin, and had prospered in the new locality, for his beard hung down to his waist. He was a widower with six young children (he had left them in charge of a sister of his to come out there), and the passion of his life was pigeon-flying. He was an enthusiast and a connoisseur. He would rave about pigeons. After work hours he used sometimes to come over from his hut for a talk about his children and his pigeons; at work, when he had to crawl in the mud under the bottom of the steamboat, he would tie up that beard of his in a kind of white serviette he brought for the purpose. It had loops to go over his ears. In the evening he could be seen squatted on the bank rinsing that wrapper in the creek with great care, then spreading it solemnly on a bush to dry.
“I wasn’t surprised to see someone sitting at the back on the deck, with his legs hanging over the mud. You see, I got along pretty well with the few mechanics at that station, whom the other pilgrims naturally looked down on—probably because of their rough manners. This guy was the foreman—a boiler-maker by trade—and a good worker. He was tall and thin, with a yellowish face and big, intense eyes. He looked worried, and his head was as bald as my palm; but instead of falling out, his hair seemed to have taken root on his chin, and it thrived in its new environment, since his beard hung down to his waist. He was a widower with six young kids (he had left them with his sister to come out here), and his greatest passion was pigeon-flying. He was an enthusiast and a connoisseur. He would go on and on about pigeons. After work, he sometimes came over from his hut to chat about his kids and his pigeons; at work, when he had to crawl in the mud under the bottom of the steamboat, he would tie up that beard of his with a kind of white cloth he brought for that purpose. It had loops to go over his ears. In the evening, you could see him squatting on the riverbank, carefully rinsing that cloth in the creek, then spreading it solemnly on a bush to dry.
“I slapped him on the back and shouted, ‘We shall have rivets!’ He scrambled to his feet exclaiming, ‘No! Rivets!’ as though he couldn’t believe his ears. Then in a low voice, ‘You... eh?’ I don’t know why we behaved like lunatics. I put my finger to the side of my nose and nodded mysteriously. ‘Good for you!’ he cried, snapped his fingers above his head, lifting one foot. I tried a jig. We capered on the iron deck. A frightful clatter came out of that hulk, and the virgin forest on the other bank of the creek sent it back in a thundering roll upon the sleeping station. It must have made some of the pilgrims sit up in their hovels. A dark figure obscured the lighted doorway of the manager’s hut, vanished, then, a second or so after, the doorway itself vanished, too. We stopped, and the silence driven away by the stamping of our feet flowed back again from the recesses of the land. The great wall of vegetation, an exuberant and entangled mass of trunks, branches, leaves, boughs, festoons, motionless in the moonlight, was like a rioting invasion of soundless life, a rolling wave of plants, piled up, crested, ready to topple over the creek, to sweep every little man of us out of his little existence. And it moved not. A deadened burst of mighty splashes and snorts reached us from afar, as though an icthyosaurus had been taking a bath of glitter in the great river. ‘After all,’ said the boiler-maker in a reasonable tone, ‘why shouldn’t we get the rivets?’ Why not, indeed! I did not know of any reason why we shouldn’t. ‘They’ll come in three weeks,’ I said confidently.
“I slapped him on the back and shouted, ‘We’re getting rivets!’ He jumped to his feet, exclaiming, ‘No! Rivets!’ as if he couldn't believe what he heard. Then in a quiet voice, ‘You... really?’ I don't know why we acted like crazy people. I put my finger to the side of my nose and nodded mysteriously. ‘Good for you!’ he shouted, snapping his fingers above his head and lifting one foot. I attempted a dance. We danced on the iron deck. A loud clatter came from that hulk, and the untouched forest on the other side of the creek echoed it back in a thunderous roar that must have made some of the settlers in their huts sit up. A dark figure blocked the lighted doorway of the manager’s hut, disappeared, and then, a moment later, the doorway itself vanished too. We stopped, and the silence that had been interrupted by our stomping returned from the depths of the land. The massive wall of vegetation, a wild and tangled mass of trunks, branches, leaves, and boughs, motionless in the moonlight, felt like a chaotic wave of soundless life, piled up, cresting, ready to tumble over the creek and wash every one of us away from our little lives. But it didn’t move. A muted burst of loud splashes and snorts reached us from a distance, as if an ichthyosaurus had been taking a glittering bath in the great river. ‘After all,’ said the boiler-maker reasonably, ‘why shouldn’t we get the rivets?’ Why not, indeed! I couldn’t think of any reason why we shouldn’t. ‘They’ll arrive in three weeks,’ I said confidently.
“But they didn’t. Instead of rivets there came an invasion, an infliction, a visitation. It came in sections during the next three weeks, each section headed by a donkey carrying a white man in new clothes and tan shoes, bowing from that elevation right and left to the impressed pilgrims. A quarrelsome band of footsore sulky niggers trod on the heels of the donkey; a lot of tents, camp-stools, tin boxes, white cases, brown bales would be shot down in the courtyard, and the air of mystery would deepen a little over the muddle of the station. Five such instalments came, with their absurd air of disorderly flight with the loot of innumerable outfit shops and provision stores, that, one would think, they were lugging, after a raid, into the wilderness for equitable division. It was an inextricable mess of things decent in themselves but that human folly made look like the spoils of thieving.
“But they didn’t. Instead of rivets, there was an invasion, an infliction, a visitation. It came in sections over the next three weeks, each section led by a donkey carrying a white man in new clothes and tan shoes, bowing from that height to the impressed pilgrims. A rowdy group of exhausted, sullen people followed closely behind the donkey; a bunch of tents, camp chairs, tin boxes, white cases, and brown bales would be dumped in the courtyard, and the air of mystery would deepen a bit over the chaos of the station. Five such groups arrived, with their ridiculous sense of disorganized retreat carrying the loot from countless supply shops and grocery stores, making it seem like they were hauling it into the wilderness for fair distribution after a raid. It was a tangled mess of things that were decent on their own but looked like the spoils of theft due to human folly.”
“This devoted band called itself the Eldorado Exploring Expedition, and I believe they were sworn to secrecy. Their talk, however, was the talk of sordid buccaneers: it was reckless without hardihood, greedy without audacity, and cruel without courage; there was not an atom of foresight or of serious intention in the whole batch of them, and they did not seem aware these things are wanted for the work of the world. To tear treasure out of the bowels of the land was their desire, with no more moral purpose at the back of it than there is in burglars breaking into a safe. Who paid the expenses of the noble enterprise I don’t know; but the uncle of our manager was leader of that lot.
“This devoted group called themselves the Eldorado Exploring Expedition, and I think they were bound to secrecy. Their conversations, however, resembled those of shady pirates: reckless without being bold, greedy without being daring, and cruel without having any real bravery; they lacked any foresight or serious intent, and they didn’t seem to realize that such qualities are needed for meaningful work in the world. Their sole desire was to extract treasure from the earth with no more moral reasoning behind it than a burglar breaking into a safe. I don’t know who funded this so-called noble endeavor, but the uncle of our manager was the leader of that crew.
“In exterior he resembled a butcher in a poor neighbourhood, and his eyes had a look of sleepy cunning. He carried his fat paunch with ostentation on his short legs, and during the time his gang infested the station spoke to no one but his nephew. You could see these two roaming about all day long with their heads close together in an everlasting confab.
“In appearance, he looked like a butcher from a rough neighborhood, and his eyes had a lazy, sly look. He flaunted his round belly on his short legs, and while his gang was hanging around the station, he only talked to his nephew. You could see these two wandering around all day with their heads close together in an ongoing discussion.”
“I had given up worrying myself about the rivets. One’s capacity for that kind of folly is more limited than you would suppose. I said Hang!—and let things slide. I had plenty of time for meditation, and now and then I would give some thought to Kurtz. I wasn’t very interested in him. No. Still, I was curious to see whether this man, who had come out equipped with moral ideas of some sort, would climb to the top after all and how he would set about his work when there.”
“I had stopped worrying about the rivets. You can only stress over that kind of thing for so long. I decided to just let it go. I had plenty of time to think, and now and then I would think about Kurtz. I wasn't very invested in him, though. Still, I was curious to see if this guy, who had come out with some sort of moral ideas, would actually make it to the top and how he would approach his work once he got there.”
II
“One evening as I was lying flat on the deck of my steamboat, I heard voices approaching—and there were the nephew and the uncle strolling along the bank. I laid my head on my arm again, and had nearly lost myself in a doze, when somebody said in my ear, as it were: ‘I am as harmless as a little child, but I don’t like to be dictated to. Am I the manager—or am I not? I was ordered to send him there. It’s incredible.’ ... I became aware that the two were standing on the shore alongside the forepart of the steamboat, just below my head. I did not move; it did not occur to me to move: I was sleepy. ‘It is unpleasant,’ grunted the uncle. ‘He has asked the Administration to be sent there,’ said the other, ‘with the idea of showing what he could do; and I was instructed accordingly. Look at the influence that man must have. Is it not frightful?’ They both agreed it was frightful, then made several bizarre remarks: ‘Make rain and fine weather—one man—the Council—by the nose’—bits of absurd sentences that got the better of my drowsiness, so that I had pretty near the whole of my wits about me when the uncle said, ‘The climate may do away with this difficulty for you. Is he alone there?’ ‘Yes,’ answered the manager; ‘he sent his assistant down the river with a note to me in these terms: “Clear this poor devil out of the country, and don’t bother sending more of that sort. I had rather be alone than have the kind of men you can dispose of with me.” It was more than a year ago. Can you imagine such impudence!’ ‘Anything since then?’ asked the other hoarsely. ‘Ivory,’ jerked the nephew; ‘lots of it—prime sort—lots—most annoying, from him.’ ‘And with that?’ questioned the heavy rumble. ‘Invoice,’ was the reply fired out, so to speak. Then silence. They had been talking about Kurtz.
“One evening, while I was lying flat on the deck of my steamboat, I heard voices getting closer—and there were the nephew and the uncle walking along the bank. I rested my head on my arm again and was almost dozing off when someone whispered in my ear, as if: ‘I’m as harmless as a little child, but I don’t like being told what to do. Am I the manager or not? I was ordered to send him there. It’s unbelievable.’ ... I realized the two were standing on the shore next to the front of the steamboat, just below my head. I didn’t move; it didn’t even cross my mind to move: I was sleepy. ‘It is unpleasant,’ grumbled the uncle. ‘He asked the Administration to send him there,’ said the other, 'to show what he could do; and I was instructed accordingly. Look at the influence that man must have. Isn’t it terrifying?' They both agreed it was terrifying, then made several bizarre remarks: ‘Make rain and fine weather—one man—the Council—by the nose’—snippets of ridiculous sentences that pulled me out of my drowsiness, so I had most of my wits about me when the uncle said, ‘The climate might solve this problem for you. Is he alone there?’ ‘Yes,’ replied the manager; ‘he sent his assistant down the river with a note to me that said: “Clear this poor devil out of the country, and don’t bother sending more of that kind. I’d rather be alone than have the sort of men you can send to me.” That was over a year ago. Can you imagine such arrogance!’ ‘Anything since then?’ asked the other hoarsely. ‘Ivory,’ snapped the nephew; ‘lots of it—top quality—lots—most annoying, from him.’ ‘And what about that?’ questioned the heavy rumble. ‘Invoice,’ was the reply shot out, so to speak. Then silence. They had been talking about Kurtz.”
“I was broad awake by this time, but, lying perfectly at ease, remained still, having no inducement to change my position. ‘How did that ivory come all this way?’ growled the elder man, who seemed very vexed. The other explained that it had come with a fleet of canoes in charge of an English half-caste clerk Kurtz had with him; that Kurtz had apparently intended to return himself, the station being by that time bare of goods and stores, but after coming three hundred miles, had suddenly decided to go back, which he started to do alone in a small dugout with four paddlers, leaving the half-caste to continue down the river with the ivory. The two fellows there seemed astounded at anybody attempting such a thing. They were at a loss for an adequate motive. As to me, I seemed to see Kurtz for the first time. It was a distinct glimpse: the dugout, four paddling savages, and the lone white man turning his back suddenly on the headquarters, on relief, on thoughts of home—perhaps; setting his face towards the depths of the wilderness, towards his empty and desolate station. I did not know the motive. Perhaps he was just simply a fine fellow who stuck to his work for its own sake. His name, you understand, had not been pronounced once. He was ‘that man.’ The half-caste, who, as far as I could see, had conducted a difficult trip with great prudence and pluck, was invariably alluded to as ‘that scoundrel.’ The ‘scoundrel’ had reported that the ‘man’ had been very ill—had recovered imperfectly.... The two below me moved away then a few paces, and strolled back and forth at some little distance. I heard: ‘Military post—doctor—two hundred miles—quite alone now—unavoidable delays—nine months—no news—strange rumours.’ They approached again, just as the manager was saying, ‘No one, as far as I know, unless a species of wandering trader—a pestilential fellow, snapping ivory from the natives.’ Who was it they were talking about now? I gathered in snatches that this was some man supposed to be in Kurtz’s district, and of whom the manager did not approve. ‘We will not be free from unfair competition till one of these fellows is hanged for an example,’ he said. ‘Certainly,’ grunted the other; ‘get him hanged! Why not? Anything—anything can be done in this country. That’s what I say; nobody here, you understand, here, can endanger your position. And why? You stand the climate—you outlast them all. The danger is in Europe; but there before I left I took care to—’ They moved off and whispered, then their voices rose again. ‘The extraordinary series of delays is not my fault. I did my best.’ The fat man sighed. ‘Very sad.’ ‘And the pestiferous absurdity of his talk,’ continued the other; ‘he bothered me enough when he was here. “Each station should be like a beacon on the road towards better things, a centre for trade of course, but also for humanizing, improving, instructing.” Conceive you—that ass! And he wants to be manager! No, it’s—’ Here he got choked by excessive indignation, and I lifted my head the least bit. I was surprised to see how near they were—right under me. I could have spat upon their hats. They were looking on the ground, absorbed in thought. The manager was switching his leg with a slender twig: his sagacious relative lifted his head. ‘You have been well since you came out this time?’ he asked. The other gave a start. ‘Who? I? Oh! Like a charm—like a charm. But the rest—oh, my goodness! All sick. They die so quick, too, that I haven’t the time to send them out of the country—it’s incredible!’ ‘Hm’m. Just so,’ grunted the uncle. ‘Ah! my boy, trust to this—I say, trust to this.’ I saw him extend his short flipper of an arm for a gesture that took in the forest, the creek, the mud, the river—seemed to beckon with a dishonouring flourish before the sunlit face of the land a treacherous appeal to the lurking death, to the hidden evil, to the profound darkness of its heart. It was so startling that I leaped to my feet and looked back at the edge of the forest, as though I had expected an answer of some sort to that black display of confidence. You know the foolish notions that come to one sometimes. The high stillness confronted these two figures with its ominous patience, waiting for the passing away of a fantastic invasion.
I was wide awake by this time, but lying comfortably, I stayed still, having no reason to change my position. “How did that ivory come all this way?” grumbled the older man, who seemed really irritated. The other explained that it had come with a fleet of canoes led by an English half-caste clerk that Kurtz had with him; that Kurtz had apparently planned to return himself, since the station was by then empty of goods and supplies, but after coming three hundred miles, he had suddenly decided to turn back, which he started to do alone in a small dugout with four paddlers, leaving the half-caste to continue down the river with the ivory. The two guys there seemed shocked that anyone would try such a thing. They couldn’t figure out an adequate motive. As for me, I seemed to see Kurtz for the first time. It was a distinct vision: the dugout, four paddling natives, and the lone white man suddenly turning his back on the headquarters, on relief, on thoughts of home—maybe; facing the depths of the wilderness, towards his empty and desolate station. I didn’t know the reason. Maybe he was simply a good guy who stuck to his work for its own sake. His name, you know, hadn’t been mentioned once. He was ‘that man.’ The half-caste, who, as far as I could see, had managed a tough trip with great care and courage, was always referred to as ‘that scoundrel.’ The ‘scoundrel’ had reported that the ‘man’ had been very ill—had recovered only partially.... The two below me then moved away a few paces and strolled back and forth at a little distance. I heard: “Military post—doctor—two hundred miles—quite alone now—unavoidable delays—nine months—no news—strange rumors.” They came closer again just as the manager was saying, “No one, as far as I know, unless it’s some kind of wandering trader—a pestilential guy, snapping up ivory from the locals.” Who were they talking about now? I caught bits and pieces that this was someone thought to be in Kurtz’s district, and the manager didn’t approve of him. “We won’t be free from unfair competition until one of these guys is hanged as an example,” he said. “Absolutely,” grunted the other; “get him hanged! Why not? Anything—anything can be done in this country. That’s what I say; no one here, you understand, here, can endanger your position. And why? You last through the climate—you outlast them all. The danger is in Europe; but before I left, I made sure to—” They moved off and whispered, then their voices rose again. “The extraordinary series of delays isn’t my fault. I did my best.” The fat man sighed. “Very sad.” “And the annoying absurdity of his talk,” continued the other; “he bothered me enough when he was here. ‘Each station should be like a beacon on the road towards better things, a center for trade of course, but also for humanizing, improving, instructing.’ Imagine that—what an idiot! And he wants to be manager! No, it’s—” Here he got choked up with excessive indignation, and I lifted my head just a bit. I was surprised to see how close they were—right under me. I could have spat on their hats. They were looking down at the ground, completely lost in thought. The manager was flicking his leg with a thin twig; his clever relative lifted his head. “You’ve been well since you came out this time?” he asked. The other jumped a little. “Who? Me? Oh! Like a charm—like a charm. But the rest—oh my goodness! All sick. They die so quickly, too, that I don’t have time to send them out of the country—it’s unbelievable!” “Hm’m. Just so,” grunted the uncle. “Ah! my boy, trust in this—I say, trust in this.” I saw him extend his short arm in a gesture that took in the forest, the creek, the mud, the river—seemed to beckon with a disreputable flourish before the sunlit face of the land, making a treacherous appeal to the lurking death, to the hidden evil, to the profound darkness of its heart. It was so startling that I jumped to my feet and glanced back at the edge of the forest, as if I had expected some kind of answer to that dark display of confidence. You know the silly thoughts that come to you sometimes. The high stillness confronted those two figures with its ominous patience, waiting for the passing of a fantastical invasion.
“They swore aloud together—out of sheer fright, I believe—then pretending not to know anything of my existence, turned back to the station. The sun was low; and leaning forward side by side, they seemed to be tugging painfully uphill their two ridiculous shadows of unequal length, that trailed behind them slowly over the tall grass without bending a single blade.
“They shouted together—probably out of sheer fear, I think—then acted like they didn’t know I was there and turned back to the station. The sun was low; and leaning forward side by side, they looked like they were struggling to pull their two silly shadows of different lengths uphill, which followed them slowly over the tall grass without bending a single blade.
“In a few days the Eldorado Expedition went into the patient wilderness, that closed upon it as the sea closes over a diver. Long afterwards the news came that all the donkeys were dead. I know nothing as to the fate of the less valuable animals. They, no doubt, like the rest of us, found what they deserved. I did not inquire. I was then rather excited at the prospect of meeting Kurtz very soon. When I say very soon I mean it comparatively. It was just two months from the day we left the creek when we came to the bank below Kurtz’s station.
“In a few days, the Eldorado Expedition entered the quiet wilderness, which surrounded it like the sea envelops a diver. Much later, we heard that all the donkeys had died. I don’t know what happened to the less valuable animals. They probably, like the rest of us, got what they deserved. I didn’t ask. I was pretty excited about the chance to meet Kurtz very soon. When I say very soon, I mean that relatively. It was exactly two months from the day we left the creek when we arrived at the bank below Kurtz’s station.”
“Going up that river was like traveling back to the earliest beginnings of the world, when vegetation rioted on the earth and the big trees were kings. An empty stream, a great silence, an impenetrable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, sluggish. There was no joy in the brilliance of sunshine. The long stretches of the waterway ran on, deserted, into the gloom of overshadowed distances. On silvery sand-banks hippos and alligators sunned themselves side by side. The broadening waters flowed through a mob of wooded islands; you lost your way on that river as you would in a desert, and butted all day long against shoals, trying to find the channel, till you thought yourself bewitched and cut off for ever from everything you had known once—somewhere—far away—in another existence perhaps. There were moments when one’s past came back to one, as it will sometimes when you have not a moment to spare for yourself; but it came in the shape of an unrestful and noisy dream, remembered with wonder amongst the overwhelming realities of this strange world of plants, and water, and silence. And this stillness of life did not in the least resemble a peace. It was the stillness of an implacable force brooding over an inscrutable intention. It looked at you with a vengeful aspect. I got used to it afterwards; I did not see it any more; I had no time. I had to keep guessing at the channel; I had to discern, mostly by inspiration, the signs of hidden banks; I watched for sunken stones; I was learning to clap my teeth smartly before my heart flew out, when I shaved by a fluke some infernal sly old snag that would have ripped the life out of the tin-pot steamboat and drowned all the pilgrims; I had to keep a lookout for the signs of dead wood we could cut up in the night for next day’s steaming. When you have to attend to things of that sort, to the mere incidents of the surface, the reality—the reality, I tell you—fades. The inner truth is hidden—luckily, luckily. But I felt it all the same; I felt often its mysterious stillness watching me at my monkey tricks, just as it watches you fellows performing on your respective tight-ropes for—what is it? half-a-crown a tumble—”
“Traveling up that river felt like going back to the beginning of time, when nature was wild and the giant trees ruled the land. An empty stream, deep silence, an impenetrable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, sluggish. There was no joy in the bright sunshine. The long stretches of the waterway continued, abandoned, into the darkness of distant shadows. On silvery sandbanks, hippos and alligators basked side by side. The wide waters flowed through a cluster of wooded islands; you could easily lose your way on that river like you would in a desert, bumping against shoals all day long as you tried to find the channel, until you felt enchanted and cut off forever from everything you once knew—somewhere—far away—in another life, maybe. There were times when the past returned to you, especially when you were too busy to reflect; but it came as a restless and noisy dream, remembered with amazement amidst the overwhelming realities of this strange world of plants, water, and silence. And this stillness of life was not a peaceful feeling. It was the stillness of an unyielding force hovering over a mysterious purpose. It looked at you with a vengeful glare. I got used to it later; I didn’t notice it anymore; I had no time. I had to keep guessing the channel; I had to figure out, mostly by instinct, the signs of hidden banks; I watched for submerged rocks; I learned to snap my teeth together just before my heart raced when I narrowly avoided some dangerous old snag that could have destroyed the little steamboat and drowned all the passengers; I had to look out for dead wood we could chop up at night for the next day’s steaming. When you're focused on things like that, on the everyday details, the reality—the reality, I tell you—fades. The inner truth is hidden—thankfully, thankfully. But I still felt it; I often sensed its mysterious stillness observing me at my clumsy efforts, just like it watches you guys performing on your respective tightropes for—what is it? half-a-crown a stumble—”
“Try to be civil, Marlow,” growled a voice, and I knew there was at least one listener awake besides myself.
“Try to be civil, Marlow,” a voice grumbled, and I realized there was at least one other person awake besides me.
“I beg your pardon. I forgot the heartache which makes up the rest of the price. And indeed what does the price matter, if the trick be well done? You do your tricks very well. And I didn’t do badly either, since I managed not to sink that steamboat on my first trip. It’s a wonder to me yet. Imagine a blindfolded man set to drive a van over a bad road. I sweated and shivered over that business considerably, I can tell you. After all, for a seaman, to scrape the bottom of the thing that’s supposed to float all the time under his care is the unpardonable sin. No one may know of it, but you never forget the thump—eh? A blow on the very heart. You remember it, you dream of it, you wake up at night and think of it—years after—and go hot and cold all over. I don’t pretend to say that steamboat floated all the time. More than once she had to wade for a bit, with twenty cannibals splashing around and pushing. We had enlisted some of these chaps on the way for a crew. Fine fellows—cannibals—in their place. They were men one could work with, and I am grateful to them. And, after all, they did not eat each other before my face: they had brought along a provision of hippo-meat which went rotten, and made the mystery of the wilderness stink in my nostrils. Phoo! I can sniff it now. I had the manager on board and three or four pilgrims with their staves—all complete. Sometimes we came upon a station close by the bank, clinging to the skirts of the unknown, and the white men rushing out of a tumble-down hovel, with great gestures of joy and surprise and welcome, seemed very strange—had the appearance of being held there captive by a spell. The word ivory would ring in the air for a while—and on we went again into the silence, along empty reaches, round the still bends, between the high walls of our winding way, reverberating in hollow claps the ponderous beat of the stern-wheel. Trees, trees, millions of trees, massive, immense, running up high; and at their foot, hugging the bank against the stream, crept the little begrimed steamboat, like a sluggish beetle crawling on the floor of a lofty portico. It made you feel very small, very lost, and yet it was not altogether depressing, that feeling. After all, if you were small, the grimy beetle crawled on—which was just what you wanted it to do. Where the pilgrims imagined it crawled to I don’t know. To some place where they expected to get something. I bet! For me it crawled towards Kurtz—exclusively; but when the steam-pipes started leaking we crawled very slow. The reaches opened before us and closed behind, as if the forest had stepped leisurely across the water to bar the way for our return. We penetrated deeper and deeper into the heart of darkness. It was very quiet there. At night sometimes the roll of drums behind the curtain of trees would run up the river and remain sustained faintly, as if hovering in the air high over our heads, till the first break of day. Whether it meant war, peace, or prayer we could not tell. The dawns were heralded by the descent of a chill stillness; the wood-cutters slept, their fires burned low; the snapping of a twig would make you start. We were wanderers on a prehistoric earth, on an earth that wore the aspect of an unknown planet. We could have fancied ourselves the first of men taking possession of an accursed inheritance, to be subdued at the cost of profound anguish and of excessive toil. But suddenly, as we struggled round a bend, there would be a glimpse of rush walls, of peaked grass-roofs, a burst of yells, a whirl of black limbs, a mass of hands clapping, of feet stamping, of bodies swaying, of eyes rolling, under the droop of heavy and motionless foliage. The steamer toiled along slowly on the edge of a black and incomprehensible frenzy. The prehistoric man was cursing us, praying to us, welcoming us—who could tell? We were cut off from the comprehension of our surroundings; we glided past like phantoms, wondering and secretly appalled, as sane men would be before an enthusiastic outbreak in a madhouse. We could not understand because we were too far and could not remember because we were travelling in the night of first ages, of those ages that are gone, leaving hardly a sign—and no memories.
"I’m sorry. I forgot about the heartache that comes with the rest of the price. And honestly, what does the price matter if the trick is done well? You do your tricks really well. And I didn’t do too badly myself, since I managed not to sink that steamboat on my first trip. It still amazes me. Imagine a blindfolded man trying to drive a van over a rough road. I sweated and shivered over that situation a lot, I can tell you. For a seaman, scraping the bottom of something that’s supposed to float is the ultimate sin. No one may know about it, but you never forget the thump—right? A hit right in the heart. You remember it, you dream about it, you wake up at night thinking about it—years later—and feel hot and cold all over. I won’t pretend that steamboat floated perfectly all the time. More than once, it had to wade through the water, with twenty cannibals splashing around and pushing. We’d picked up some of these guys along the way for the crew. Great guys—cannibals—in their own way. They were people you could work with, and I’m thankful to them. And still, they didn’t eat each other in front of me: they had brought along some rotten hippo meat, which made the mystery of the wilderness stink in my nose. Ugh! I can smell it now. I had the manager on board and three or four pilgrims with their staffs—all complete. Sometimes we’d come across a station near the bank, clinging to the edges of the unknown, and the white men rushing out of a run-down hovel, with big gestures of joy, surprise, and welcome, looked very strange—it felt like they were captive under a spell. The word ivory would hang in the air for a while—and then we’d go back into the silence, along empty stretches, around the still bends, between the high walls of our winding path, echoing the heavy beat of the stern-wheel. Trees, trees, millions of trees, massive and towering; and at their base, hugging the bank against the stream, crawled the little dirty steamboat, like a sluggish beetle crawling on the floor of a grand porch. It made you feel very small, very lost, yet that feeling wasn’t completely depressing. After all, if you were small, the grimy beetle kept crawling—which was just what you wanted it to do. Where the pilgrims thought it was going, I don’t know. To some place where they expected to get something. I bet! For me, it crawled exclusively toward Kurtz; but when the steam pipes started leaking, we crawled very slowly. The river opened before us and closed behind, as if the forest had casually stepped across the water to block our way back. We moved deeper and deeper into the heart of darkness. It was very quiet there. At night sometimes the sound of drums behind the curtain of trees would roll up the river and linger faintly, like it was hovering in the air high above us, until the first light of day. Whether it meant war, peace, or prayer we couldn’t tell. The dawns were marked by a chilling stillness; the wood-cutters slept, their fires burned low; the snap of a twig would make you jump. We were wanderers on a prehistoric earth, on an earth that looked like an unknown planet. We could have believed we were the first men taking ownership of a cursed inheritance, to be conquered at the cost of deep pain and hard labor. But suddenly, as we struggled around a bend, we’d catch a glimpse of grass walls, peaked roofs, a burst of shouting, a whirlwind of black limbs, a mix of clapping hands, stamping feet, swaying bodies, rolling eyes, under the droop of heavy, unmoving foliage. The steamer crept slowly on the edge of a chaotic and incomprehensible frenzy. The prehistoric man was cursing us, praying to us, welcoming us—who could say? We were cut off from understanding our surroundings; we glided past like ghosts, bewildered and secretly horrified, as sane people might feel before an enthusiastic explosion in a madhouse. We couldn’t understand because we were too far removed, and we couldn’t remember because we were traveling through the night of ancient times, of those ages that are gone, leaving barely a trace—and no memories."
“The earth seemed unearthly. We are accustomed to look upon the shackled form of a conquered monster, but there—there you could look at a thing monstrous and free. It was unearthly, and the men were—No, they were not inhuman. Well, you know, that was the worst of it—this suspicion of their not being inhuman. It would come slowly to one. They howled and leaped, and spun, and made horrid faces; but what thrilled you was just the thought of their humanity—like yours—the thought of your remote kinship with this wild and passionate uproar. Ugly. Yes, it was ugly enough; but if you were man enough you would admit to yourself that there was in you just the faintest trace of a response to the terrible frankness of that noise, a dim suspicion of there being a meaning in it which you—you so remote from the night of first ages—could comprehend. And why not? The mind of man is capable of anything—because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future. What was there after all? Joy, fear, sorrow, devotion, valour, rage—who can tell?—but truth—truth stripped of its cloak of time. Let the fool gape and shudder—the man knows, and can look on without a wink. But he must at least be as much of a man as these on the shore. He must meet that truth with his own true stuff—with his own inborn strength. Principles won’t do. Acquisitions, clothes, pretty rags—rags that would fly off at the first good shake. No; you want a deliberate belief. An appeal to me in this fiendish row—is there? Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice, too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced. Of course, a fool, what with sheer fright and fine sentiments, is always safe. Who’s that grunting? You wonder I didn’t go ashore for a howl and a dance? Well, no—I didn’t. Fine sentiments, you say? Fine sentiments, be hanged! I had no time. I had to mess about with white-lead and strips of woolen blanket helping to put bandages on those leaky steam-pipes—I tell you. I had to watch the steering, and circumvent those snags, and get the tin-pot along by hook or by crook. There was surface-truth enough in these things to save a wiser man. And between whiles I had to look after the savage who was fireman. He was an improved specimen; he could fire up a vertical boiler. He was there below me, and, upon my word, to look at him was as edifying as seeing a dog in a parody of breeches and a feather hat, walking on his hind-legs. A few months of training had done for that really fine chap. He squinted at the steam-gauge and at the water-gauge with an evident effort of intrepidity—and he had filed teeth, too, the poor devil, and the wool of his pate shaved into queer patterns, and three ornamental scars on each of his cheeks. He ought to have been clapping his hands and stamping his feet on the bank, instead of which he was hard at work, a thrall to strange witchcraft, full of improving knowledge. He was useful because he had been instructed; and what he knew was this—that should the water in that transparent thing disappear, the evil spirit inside the boiler would get angry through the greatness of his thirst, and take a terrible vengeance. So he sweated and fired up and watched the glass fearfully (with an impromptu charm, made of rags, tied to his arm, and a piece of polished bone, as big as a watch, stuck flatways through his lower lip), while the wooded banks slipped past us slowly, the short noise was left behind, the interminable miles of silence—and we crept on, towards Kurtz. But the snags were thick, the water was treacherous and shallow, the boiler seemed indeed to have a sulky devil in it, and thus neither that fireman nor I had any time to peer into our creepy thoughts.
The earth felt otherworldly. We're used to seeing the chained form of a defeated beast, but there—there you could see something monstrous and free. It was surreal, and the men were—No, they weren’t inhuman. That was the strangest part—this nagging feeling that they might actually be human. It took time to sink in. They howled, jumped, spun around, and made terrible faces; but what sent a chill down your spine was the idea of their humanity—just like yours—the thought of your distant connection to this wild and passionate chaos. Ugly? Yes, it was pretty ugly; but if you were honest with yourself, you'd admit that you could feel a faint echo of response to the rawness of that noise, a vague sense that there was a meaning behind it which you—you, so far removed from the dawn of time—could understand. And why not? The human mind can grasp anything—because it holds everything, both the past and the future. What was there, after all? Joy, fear, sorrow, devotion, bravery, rage—who can say?—but truth—truth stripped of time's disguise. Let the fool gape and tremble—the wise man knows and can look on without flinching. But he must at least be as much of a man as they are on the shore. He must confront that truth with his own real substance—with his own innate strength. Principles won’t suffice. Acquired skills, clothes, fine rags—rags that would fly off at the first shake. No; you need a conscious belief. An invitation to me amidst this chaotic noise—does it exist? Fine, I hear it; I acknowledge it, but I have a voice too, and for better or worse mine is the voice that can't be silenced. Of course, a fool, scared and embracing lofty sentiments, is always safe. Who’s making that noise? You wonder why I didn’t go ashore to howl and dance? Well, no—I didn’t. Lofty sentiments, you say? To hell with lofty sentiments! I had no time for that. I had to deal with white lead and wool blankets, helping to bandage those leaking steam pipes—I kid you not. I had to steer and navigate those obstacles, and get the boat moving however I could. There was enough surface truth in those tasks to save a wiser man. And in between, I had to keep an eye on the savage who was the fireman. He was a better specimen; he could stoke a vertical boiler. He was down below me, and honestly, watching him was as enlightening as seeing a dog dressed in a ridiculous pair of pants and a feathered hat, walking on its hind legs. A few months of training had transformed that once decent fellow. He squinted at the steam gauge and the water gauge with a clear effort to appear brave—and he had filed teeth, poor guy, and the hair on his head shaved into weird patterns, and three decorative scars on each cheek. He should have been cheering and celebrating on the bank, but instead he was hard at work, enslaved to some strange magic, full of newfound knowledge. He was useful because he’d been trained; and what he understood was this—that if the water in that clear gauge disappeared, the evil spirit trapped in the boiler would get furious from thirst and wreak havoc. So he sweated, stoked the fire, and anxiously watched the gauge (with a makeshift charm of rags tied to his arm and a polished piece of bone, as big as a watch, stuck sideways through his lower lip), while the tree-lined banks slipped past us slowly, the short bursts of noise faded behind, the endless miles of silence ahead—and we crept on, towards Kurtz. But the obstacles were plentiful, the water was treacherous and shallow, the boiler seemed to have a stubborn spirit in it, and so neither the fireman nor I had any time to dwell on our unsettling thoughts.
“Some fifty miles below the Inner Station we came upon a hut of reeds, an inclined and melancholy pole, with the unrecognizable tatters of what had been a flag of some sort flying from it, and a neatly stacked wood-pile. This was unexpected. We came to the bank, and on the stack of firewood found a flat piece of board with some faded pencil-writing on it. When deciphered it said: ‘Wood for you. Hurry up. Approach cautiously.’ There was a signature, but it was illegible—not Kurtz—a much longer word. ‘Hurry up.’ Where? Up the river? ‘Approach cautiously.’ We had not done so. But the warning could not have been meant for the place where it could be only found after approach. Something was wrong above. But what—and how much? That was the question. We commented adversely upon the imbecility of that telegraphic style. The bush around said nothing, and would not let us look very far, either. A torn curtain of red twill hung in the doorway of the hut, and flapped sadly in our faces. The dwelling was dismantled; but we could see a white man had lived there not very long ago. There remained a rude table—a plank on two posts; a heap of rubbish reposed in a dark corner, and by the door I picked up a book. It had lost its covers, and the pages had been thumbed into a state of extremely dirty softness; but the back had been lovingly stitched afresh with white cotton thread, which looked clean yet. It was an extraordinary find. Its title was, An Inquiry into some Points of Seamanship, by a man Towser, Towson—some such name—Master in his Majesty’s Navy. The matter looked dreary reading enough, with illustrative diagrams and repulsive tables of figures, and the copy was sixty years old. I handled this amazing antiquity with the greatest possible tenderness, lest it should dissolve in my hands. Within, Towson or Towser was inquiring earnestly into the breaking strain of ships’ chains and tackle, and other such matters. Not a very enthralling book; but at the first glance you could see there a singleness of intention, an honest concern for the right way of going to work, which made these humble pages, thought out so many years ago, luminous with another than a professional light. The simple old sailor, with his talk of chains and purchases, made me forget the jungle and the pilgrims in a delicious sensation of having come upon something unmistakably real. Such a book being there was wonderful enough; but still more astounding were the notes pencilled in the margin, and plainly referring to the text. I couldn’t believe my eyes! They were in cipher! Yes, it looked like cipher. Fancy a man lugging with him a book of that description into this nowhere and studying it—and making notes—in cipher at that! It was an extravagant mystery.
Some fifty miles below the Inner Station, we came across a hut made of reeds, a slumped and gloomy pole with the unrecognizable tattered remains of a flag flying from it, and a neatly stacked pile of firewood. This was unexpected. We approached the bank, and on the stack of firewood, we found a flat piece of wood with some faded pencil writing on it. When we deciphered it, it said: ‘Wood for you. Hurry up. Approach cautiously.’ There was a signature, but it was illegible—not Kurtz—a much longer word. ‘Hurry up.’ Where? Up the river? ‘Approach cautiously.’ We hadn’t done so. But the warning couldn’t have been meant for the place that could only be found after approaching it. Something was wrong up ahead. But what—and how serious? That was the question. We commented negatively on the foolishness of that telegraphic style. The surrounding bush was silent, not allowing us to see very far, either. A torn curtain of red fabric hung in the doorway of the hut, flapping sadly in our faces. The house was in disrepair, but we could tell a white man had lived there not too long ago. There was a rough table—a plank on two posts; a pile of rubbish sat in a dark corner, and by the door, I picked up a book. It had lost its covers, and the pages wereso dirty and soft from being thumbed through, but the spine had been lovingly stitched back together with white cotton thread, which still looked clean. It was an extraordinary find. Its title was, An Inquiry into some Points of Seamanship, by a man named Towser, Towson—something like that—Master in His Majesty’s Navy. It looked like dreary reading, with illustrative diagrams and off-putting tables of figures, and the copy was sixty years old. I handled this amazing relic with the utmost care, fearing it would fall apart in my hands. Inside, Towson or Towser was earnestly examining the breaking strain of ships’ chains and tackle, and other such topics. Not a very captivating book; but at first glance, you could see a single-minded purpose, a genuine concern for doing things the right way, which made these humble pages, thought out so many years ago, glow with a light beyond just professionalism. The simple old sailor, with his talk of chains and purchases, made me forget about the jungle and the pilgrims in a delightful sensation of discovering something undeniably real. It was wonderful just to find that book, but even more astonishing were the notes penciled in the margins, clearly referring to the text. I couldn’t believe my eyes! They were in code! Yes, it looked like code. Imagine a man hauling around a book like that into this nowhere, studying it—and making notes—in code no less! It was an outrageous mystery.
“I had been dimly aware for some time of a worrying noise, and when I lifted my eyes I saw the wood-pile was gone, and the manager, aided by all the pilgrims, was shouting at me from the riverside. I slipped the book into my pocket. I assure you to leave off reading was like tearing myself away from the shelter of an old and solid friendship.
“I had been vaguely aware for a while of a troubling noise, and when I looked up, I saw that the woodpile was gone, and the manager, helped by all the pilgrims, was shouting at me from the riverside. I slipped the book into my pocket. I assure you that stopping my reading felt like tearing myself away from the comfort of a long-standing and sturdy friendship.”
“I started the lame engine ahead. ‘It must be this miserable trader—this intruder,’ exclaimed the manager, looking back malevolently at the place we had left. ‘He must be English,’ I said. ‘It will not save him from getting into trouble if he is not careful,’ muttered the manager darkly. I observed with assumed innocence that no man was safe from trouble in this world.
“I started the weak engine up front. ‘It must be this pathetic trader—this intruder,’ the manager said, looking back angrily at the place we had just left. ‘He’s probably English,’ I replied. ‘That won’t protect him from getting into trouble if he’s not careful,’ the manager muttered darkly. I remarked with feigned innocence that no one is safe from trouble in this world.”
“The current was more rapid now, the steamer seemed at her last gasp, the stern-wheel flopped languidly, and I caught myself listening on tiptoe for the next beat of the boat, for in sober truth I expected the wretched thing to give up every moment. It was like watching the last flickers of a life. But still we crawled. Sometimes I would pick out a tree a little way ahead to measure our progress towards Kurtz by, but I lost it invariably before we got abreast. To keep the eyes so long on one thing was too much for human patience. The manager displayed a beautiful resignation. I fretted and fumed and took to arguing with myself whether or no I would talk openly with Kurtz; but before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what any one knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my power of meddling.
The current was faster now, the steamer seemed to be running out of steam, the stern-wheel splashed weakly, and I found myself straining to hear the next beat of the boat, because honestly, I expected the poor thing to break down at any moment. It was like watching the last flickers of life. But we still moved slowly. Sometimes I would pick out a tree a short distance ahead to gauge our progress toward Kurtz, but I would lose sight of it before we got close. Keeping my eyes on one thing for so long was too much for my patience. The manager showed impressive composure. I fumed and got worked up, debating with myself about whether or not I would speak openly with Kurtz; but before I could reach any decision, it struck me that my words or silence, really any action of mine, would be pointless. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was the manager? Sometimes you get such a moment of clarity. The core of this situation lay deep below the surface, beyond my understanding, and beyond my ability to interfere.
“Towards the evening of the second day we judged ourselves about eight miles from Kurtz’s station. I wanted to push on; but the manager looked grave, and told me the navigation up there was so dangerous that it would be advisable, the sun being very low already, to wait where we were till next morning. Moreover, he pointed out that if the warning to approach cautiously were to be followed, we must approach in daylight—not at dusk or in the dark. This was sensible enough. Eight miles meant nearly three hours’ steaming for us, and I could also see suspicious ripples at the upper end of the reach. Nevertheless, I was annoyed beyond expression at the delay, and most unreasonably, too, since one night more could not matter much after so many months. As we had plenty of wood, and caution was the word, I brought up in the middle of the stream. The reach was narrow, straight, with high sides like a railway cutting. The dusk came gliding into it long before the sun had set. The current ran smooth and swift, but a dumb immobility sat on the banks. The living trees, lashed together by the creepers and every living bush of the undergrowth, might have been changed into stone, even to the slenderest twig, to the lightest leaf. It was not sleep—it seemed unnatural, like a state of trance. Not the faintest sound of any kind could be heard. You looked on amazed, and began to suspect yourself of being deaf—then the night came suddenly, and struck you blind as well. About three in the morning some large fish leaped, and the loud splash made me jump as though a gun had been fired. When the sun rose there was a white fog, very warm and clammy, and more blinding than the night. It did not shift or drive; it was just there, standing all round you like something solid. At eight or nine, perhaps, it lifted as a shutter lifts. We had a glimpse of the towering multitude of trees, of the immense matted jungle, with the blazing little ball of the sun hanging over it—all perfectly still—and then the white shutter came down again, smoothly, as if sliding in greased grooves. I ordered the chain, which we had begun to heave in, to be paid out again. Before it stopped running with a muffled rattle, a cry, a very loud cry, as of infinite desolation, soared slowly in the opaque air. It ceased. A complaining clamour, modulated in savage discords, filled our ears. The sheer unexpectedness of it made my hair stir under my cap. I don’t know how it struck the others: to me it seemed as though the mist itself had screamed, so suddenly, and apparently from all sides at once, did this tumultuous and mournful uproar arise. It culminated in a hurried outbreak of almost intolerably excessive shrieking, which stopped short, leaving us stiffened in a variety of silly attitudes, and obstinately listening to the nearly as appalling and excessive silence. ‘Good God! What is the meaning—’ stammered at my elbow one of the pilgrims—a little fat man, with sandy hair and red whiskers, who wore sidespring boots, and pink pyjamas tucked into his socks. Two others remained open-mouthed a whole minute, then dashed into the little cabin, to rush out incontinently and stand darting scared glances, with Winchesters at ‘ready’ in their hands. What we could see was just the steamer we were on, her outlines blurred as though she had been on the point of dissolving, and a misty strip of water, perhaps two feet broad, around her—and that was all. The rest of the world was nowhere, as far as our eyes and ears were concerned. Just nowhere. Gone, disappeared; swept off without leaving a whisper or a shadow behind.
“By the evening of the second day, we figured we were about eight miles from Kurtz’s station. I wanted to keep going; however, the manager looked serious and told me that navigating up ahead was too dangerous, especially since the sun was already low, so it would be best to wait until morning. He also mentioned that if we were going to proceed cautiously, we should do it in daylight—not at dusk or in the dark. That made sense. Eight miles would take us nearly three hours to steam, and I noticed some suspicious ripples at the upper end of the river bend. Still, I was incredibly frustrated by the delay, even though it was unreasonable to feel that way since one more night didn’t really matter after so many months. Since we had plenty of wood and caution was key, I anchored in the middle of the stream. The river was narrow, straight, and had steep sides like a railway cutting. Dusk crept in long before the sun set. The current was smooth and quick, but there was a heavy stillness on the banks. The living trees, wrapped together by vines and every bush in the underbrush, looked like they had turned to stone, right down to the thinnest twig and the lightest leaf. It wasn’t sleep—it felt unnatural, like a trance. Not a single sound could be heard. You looked around in shock, beginning to wonder if you were deaf—then suddenly night fell, blinding you as well. Around three in the morning, some large fish jumped, and the loud splash startled me like a gunshot. When the sun rose, there was a warm, clammy white fog that was more blinding than the night. It didn’t move or shift; it was just there, surrounding us like something solid. Around eight or nine, it finally lifted like a shutter being raised. We got a brief view of the towering trees and the vast tangled jungle, with the bright sun hanging over it—all perfectly still—before the white fog settled back down, as smoothly as if it was sliding in greased grooves. I ordered the chain, which we had started to pull in, to be let out again. Before it stopped with a muffled rattle, a loud cry, one of deep desolation, rose slowly in the thick air. It suddenly went silent. A clamorous noise, mixing in wild dissonance, filled our ears. The sheer suddenness of it made my hair stand on end under my cap. I don't know how it affected the others; to me, it felt as if the mist itself had screamed; this chaotic and mournful uproar had emerged seemingly from all sides at once. It peaked into a rapid burst of almost unbearably loud shrieking that cut off abruptly, leaving us frozen in silly positions, stubbornly listening to the nearly as disturbing silence. ‘Good God! What does this mean—’ stammered one of the pilgrims next to me—a short, plump man with sandy hair and red whiskers, wearing sidespring boots and pink pajamas tucked into his socks. Two others stood there, wide-eyed for a full minute, then dashed into the little cabin, only to rush back out, nervously glancing around with their Winchesters at the ready. What we could see was just the steamer we were on, her outlines blurred as if she was about to dissolve, and a misty strip of water, maybe two feet wide, surrounding her—and that was it. The rest of the world was gone, as far as our eyes and ears were concerned. Just gone. Disappeared; swept away without leaving a whisper or a shadow behind.”
“I went forward, and ordered the chain to be hauled in short, so as to be ready to trip the anchor and move the steamboat at once if necessary. ‘Will they attack?’ whispered an awed voice. ‘We will be all butchered in this fog,’ murmured another. The faces twitched with the strain, the hands trembled slightly, the eyes forgot to wink. It was very curious to see the contrast of expressions of the white men and of the black fellows of our crew, who were as much strangers to that part of the river as we, though their homes were only eight hundred miles away. The whites, of course greatly discomposed, had besides a curious look of being painfully shocked by such an outrageous row. The others had an alert, naturally interested expression; but their faces were essentially quiet, even those of the one or two who grinned as they hauled at the chain. Several exchanged short, grunting phrases, which seemed to settle the matter to their satisfaction. Their headman, a young, broad-chested black, severely draped in dark-blue fringed cloths, with fierce nostrils and his hair all done up artfully in oily ringlets, stood near me. ‘Aha!’ I said, just for good fellowship’s sake. ‘Catch ’im,’ he snapped, with a bloodshot widening of his eyes and a flash of sharp teeth—‘catch ’im. Give ’im to us.’ ‘To you, eh?’ I asked; ‘what would you do with them?’ ‘Eat ’im!’ he said curtly, and, leaning his elbow on the rail, looked out into the fog in a dignified and profoundly pensive attitude. I would no doubt have been properly horrified, had it not occurred to me that he and his chaps must be very hungry: that they must have been growing increasingly hungry for at least this month past. They had been engaged for six months (I don’t think a single one of them had any clear idea of time, as we at the end of countless ages have. They still belonged to the beginnings of time—had no inherited experience to teach them as it were), and of course, as long as there was a piece of paper written over in accordance with some farcical law or other made down the river, it didn’t enter anybody’s head to trouble how they would live. Certainly they had brought with them some rotten hippo-meat, which couldn’t have lasted very long, anyway, even if the pilgrims hadn’t, in the midst of a shocking hullabaloo, thrown a considerable quantity of it overboard. It looked like a high-handed proceeding; but it was really a case of legitimate self-defence. You can’t breathe dead hippo waking, sleeping, and eating, and at the same time keep your precarious grip on existence. Besides that, they had given them every week three pieces of brass wire, each about nine inches long; and the theory was they were to buy their provisions with that currency in riverside villages. You can see how that worked. There were either no villages, or the people were hostile, or the director, who like the rest of us fed out of tins, with an occasional old he-goat thrown in, didn’t want to stop the steamer for some more or less recondite reason. So, unless they swallowed the wire itself, or made loops of it to snare the fishes with, I don’t see what good their extravagant salary could be to them. I must say it was paid with a regularity worthy of a large and honourable trading company. For the rest, the only thing to eat—though it didn’t look eatable in the least—I saw in their possession was a few lumps of some stuff like half-cooked dough, of a dirty lavender colour, they kept wrapped in leaves, and now and then swallowed a piece of, but so small that it seemed done more for the looks of the thing than for any serious purpose of sustenance. Why in the name of all the gnawing devils of hunger they didn’t go for us—they were thirty to five—and have a good tuck-in for once, amazes me now when I think of it. They were big powerful men, with not much capacity to weigh the consequences, with courage, with strength, even yet, though their skins were no longer glossy and their muscles no longer hard. And I saw that something restraining, one of those human secrets that baffle probability, had come into play there. I looked at them with a swift quickening of interest—not because it occurred to me I might be eaten by them before very long, though I own to you that just then I perceived—in a new light, as it were—how unwholesome the pilgrims looked, and I hoped, yes, I positively hoped, that my aspect was not so—what shall I say?—so—unappetizing: a touch of fantastic vanity which fitted well with the dream-sensation that pervaded all my days at that time. Perhaps I had a little fever, too. One can’t live with one’s finger everlastingly on one’s pulse. I had often ‘a little fever,’ or a little touch of other things—the playful paw-strokes of the wilderness, the preliminary trifling before the more serious onslaught which came in due course. Yes; I looked at them as you would on any human being, with a curiosity of their impulses, motives, capacities, weaknesses, when brought to the test of an inexorable physical necessity. Restraint! What possible restraint? Was it superstition, disgust, patience, fear—or some kind of primitive honour? No fear can stand up to hunger, no patience can wear it out, disgust simply does not exist where hunger is; and as to superstition, beliefs, and what you may call principles, they are less than chaff in a breeze. Don’t you know the devilry of lingering starvation, its exasperating torment, its black thoughts, its sombre and brooding ferocity? Well, I do. It takes a man all his inborn strength to fight hunger properly. It’s really easier to face bereavement, dishonour, and the perdition of one’s soul—than this kind of prolonged hunger. Sad, but true. And these chaps, too, had no earthly reason for any kind of scruple. Restraint! I would just as soon have expected restraint from a hyena prowling amongst the corpses of a battlefield. But there was the fact facing me—the fact dazzling, to be seen, like the foam on the depths of the sea, like a ripple on an unfathomable enigma, a mystery greater—when I thought of it—than the curious, inexplicable note of desperate grief in this savage clamour that had swept by us on the river-bank, behind the blind whiteness of the fog.
“I moved forward and instructed the crew to haul in the chain a bit tighter so we would be ready to drop the anchor and shift the steamboat immediately if needed. ‘Will they attack?’ whispered a voice filled with awe. ‘We’ll all be slaughtered in this fog,’ murmured another. Tension showed on their faces, their hands shook slightly, and their eyes stayed wide open. It was interesting to see the different expressions of the white crew members compared to the black members, who were just as unfamiliar with that part of the river as we were, even though their homes were only eight hundred miles away. The white crew looked quite disturbed and seemed shocked by the chaos. In contrast, the black crew members appeared alert and genuinely interested, their faces mostly calm, even those who chuckled a bit while handling the chain. Some exchanged quick, grunting phrases that seemed to settle the matter for them. Their leader, a young, well-built black man draped in dark blue fringed cloth with intense features and carefully styled oily ringlets, stood near me. ‘Aha!’ I said, just for camaraderie. ‘Catch 'im,’ he snapped, his eyes widening with a bloodshot intensity and teeth flashing—‘catch 'im. Give 'im to us.’ ‘To you, huh?’ I asked; ‘what would you do with them?’ ‘Eat 'im!’ he replied bluntly, resting his elbow on the rail while looking into the fog in a thoughtful, dignified posture. I probably would have been horrified if it hadn’t crossed my mind that he and his crew must be desperately hungry: they must have been growing more and more hungry for at least the past month. They had been hired for six months (I doubt a single one of them truly understood the concept of time like we did after endless ages. They still belonged to a time close to its beginnings—without any inherited experience to guide them). And, of course, as long as there was a piece of paper with some ridiculous law printed on it from downriver, no one felt the need to worry about how they would survive. They had indeed brought some spoiled hippo meat, which couldn’t have lasted long anyway, even if the pilgrims hadn’t, amid a tremendous uproar, thrown a good amount of it overboard. It seemed like a very high-handed action; however, it was genuinely a matter of self-defense. You can’t breathe in dead hippo smell while trying to stay alive. Besides that, they were given three pieces of brass wire, each about nine inches long, every week; the theory was they could use that to buy food in riverside villages. You can imagine how well that worked out. Either there were no villages or the locals were unwelcoming, or the director, who, like the rest of us, ate from cans, with an occasional old goat thrown in, didn’t want to stop the boat for what seemed like trivial reasons. So unless they intended to eat the wire itself or use it to fish, I couldn't see how their generous pay was useful to them. I must admit it was paid out with a consistency worthy of a large, reputable trading company. As for food, the only thing I noticed them having—which didn’t look edible at all—was a few lumps of something resembling half-cooked dough, a dirty lavender color, wrapped in leaves, which they occasionally nibbled on, but the pieces were so small that it seemed more for show than for real nourishment. Why they didn’t attack us—I mean, they were thirty to our five—and have a good meal for once, still amazes me. They were strong, powerful men, not particularly capable of considering the consequences, brimming with courage and strength, even if their skin had lost its sheen and their muscles had softened. I sensed that some kind of restraint, one of those perplexing human enigmas, had come into play. I regarded them with growing curiosity—not because I thought they might eat me soon, although I admit I just then realized how unappetizing the pilgrims looked, and I hoped, yes, I sincerely hoped, that I didn’t look similarly—what shall I say?—so—unappetizing: a hint of strange vanity that fit well with the dream-like state that seemed to envelop all my days then. Perhaps I had a bit of a fever, too. One can’t constantly check their pulse. I often had ‘a bit of a fever’ or other mild ailments—the playful touches of the wilderness, the light frolicking before the serious challenges that came later. Yes; I looked at them like you would anyone else, curious about their impulses, motivations, abilities, and weaknesses when tested by an unavoidable physical need. Restraint! What kind of restraint could there be? Was it superstition, disgust, patience, fear—or a primitive sense of honor? No fear can hold up against hunger, no patience can outlast it, disgust has no place where hunger resides; as for superstition, beliefs, and what you might call principles, they are less significant than dust in the wind. Don’t you know the torment of lingering starvation, its maddening pain, its dark thoughts, its fierce and haunting rage? Well, I do. It takes every bit of a man’s inherent strength to effectively battle hunger. It’s often easier to face loss, dishonor, and a lost soul than this sort of drawn-out hunger. Sad but true. And those men had no real reason for any form of scruple. Restraint! I might as well expect restraint from a hyena prowling among the bodies on a battlefield. Yet there it was—the glaring fact—to be seen like foam on the ocean’s depths, like a ripple on an unfathomable mystery, a greater puzzle—when I thought of it—than the strange, inexplicable note of desperate sorrow in this wild uproar that had surged past us on the riverbank, cloaked in the thick fog.”
“Two pilgrims were quarrelling in hurried whispers as to which bank. ‘Left.’ ‘no, no; how can you? Right, right, of course.’ ‘It is very serious,’ said the manager’s voice behind me; ‘I would be desolated if anything should happen to Mr. Kurtz before we came up.’ I looked at him, and had not the slightest doubt he was sincere. He was just the kind of man who would wish to preserve appearances. That was his restraint. But when he muttered something about going on at once, I did not even take the trouble to answer him. I knew, and he knew, that it was impossible. Were we to let go our hold of the bottom, we would be absolutely in the air—in space. We wouldn’t be able to tell where we were going to—whether up or down stream, or across—till we fetched against one bank or the other—and then we wouldn’t know at first which it was. Of course I made no move. I had no mind for a smash-up. You couldn’t imagine a more deadly place for a shipwreck. Whether we drowned at once or not, we were sure to perish speedily in one way or another. ‘I authorize you to take all the risks,’ he said, after a short silence. ‘I refuse to take any,’ I said shortly; which was just the answer he expected, though its tone might have surprised him. ‘Well, I must defer to your judgment. You are captain,’ he said with marked civility. I turned my shoulder to him in sign of my appreciation, and looked into the fog. How long would it last? It was the most hopeless lookout. The approach to this Kurtz grubbing for ivory in the wretched bush was beset by as many dangers as though he had been an enchanted princess sleeping in a fabulous castle. ‘Will they attack, do you think?’ asked the manager, in a confidential tone.
“Two pilgrims were arguing in hushed whispers about which bank to choose. ‘Left.’ ‘No, no; how can you say that? Right, right, of course.’ ‘This is serious,’ said the manager’s voice behind me. ‘I’d be devastated if anything happened to Mr. Kurtz before we got there.’ I looked at him and had no doubt he was being sincere. He was exactly the type of guy who wanted to keep up appearances. That was his way of holding back. But when he muttered something about moving forward immediately, I didn't even bother to respond. I knew, and he knew, it was impossible. If we let go of the bottom, we would be completely adrift—in space. We wouldn’t know which direction we were heading—whether upstream, downstream, or across—until we bumped into one bank or the other—and even then, we wouldn't initially know which one it was. Of course, I didn’t make any move. I wasn’t interested in a disaster. You couldn’t imagine a more deadly place for a shipwreck. Whether we drowned immediately or not, we were bound to meet a grim fate one way or another. ‘I authorize you to take all the risks,’ he said after a brief silence. ‘I refuse to take any,’ I replied curtly; which was exactly the answer he expected, though the tone might have caught him off guard. ‘Well, I must defer to your judgment. You are the captain,’ he said politely. I turned my shoulder to him as a sign of acknowledgment and looked into the fog. How long would it last? The outlook was utterly hopeless. The way to this Kurtz, who was digging for ivory in the miserable bush, was filled with as many dangers as if he were an enchanted princess trapped in a magical castle. ‘Do you think they will attack?’ the manager asked in a confidential tone.”
“I did not think they would attack, for several obvious reasons. The thick fog was one. If they left the bank in their canoes they would get lost in it, as we would be if we attempted to move. Still, I had also judged the jungle of both banks quite impenetrable—and yet eyes were in it, eyes that had seen us. The riverside bushes were certainly very thick; but the undergrowth behind was evidently penetrable. However, during the short lift I had seen no canoes anywhere in the reach—certainly not abreast of the steamer. But what made the idea of attack inconceivable to me was the nature of the noise—of the cries we had heard. They had not the fierce character boding immediate hostile intention. Unexpected, wild, and violent as they had been, they had given me an irresistible impression of sorrow. The glimpse of the steamboat had for some reason filled those savages with unrestrained grief. The danger, if any, I expounded, was from our proximity to a great human passion let loose. Even extreme grief may ultimately vent itself in violence—but more generally takes the form of apathy....
“I didn’t think they would attack, for several obvious reasons. The thick fog was one. If they left the bank in their canoes, they would get lost in it, just like we would if we tried to move. Still, I had also thought the jungle on both banks was pretty much impenetrable—and yet there were eyes in it, eyes that had seen us. The bushes by the river were definitely dense; but the undergrowth behind them was clearly passable. However, during the brief moment I had looked, I hadn’t seen any canoes in the area—not even alongside the steamer. But what made the idea of an attack seem impossible to me was the nature of the noise—the cries we had heard. They didn’t have the fierce tone that suggested immediate hostility. Unexpected, wild, and intense as they had been, they gave me an overwhelming sense of sorrow. The sight of the steamboat had somehow filled those savages with deep grief. The danger, if there was any, I thought, came from being close to a powerful human emotion unleashed. Even extreme grief might eventually turn to violence—but more often it expresses itself as indifference....
“You should have seen the pilgrims stare! They had no heart to grin, or even to revile me: but I believe they thought me gone mad—with fright, maybe. I delivered a regular lecture. My dear boys, it was no good bothering. Keep a lookout? Well, you may guess I watched the fog for the signs of lifting as a cat watches a mouse; but for anything else our eyes were of no more use to us than if we had been buried miles deep in a heap of cotton-wool. It felt like it, too—choking, warm, stifling. Besides, all I said, though it sounded extravagant, was absolutely true to fact. What we afterwards alluded to as an attack was really an attempt at repulse. The action was very far from being aggressive—it was not even defensive, in the usual sense: it was undertaken under the stress of desperation, and in its essence was purely protective.
“You should have seen the pilgrims stare! They didn’t have the heart to smile or even to curse me; I think they believed I had lost my mind—from fear, maybe. I gave a full lecture. My dear boys, it was pointless to worry. Keep a lookout? You can guess that I watched the fog for signs of lifting like a cat watches a mouse; but for anything else, our eyes were as useless to us as if we had been buried miles deep in a pile of cotton wool. It felt like that too—choking, warm, stifling. Besides, everything I said, even if it sounded exaggerated, was absolutely true. What we later referred to as an attack was really an attempt at defense. The action was far from being aggressive—it wasn’t even defensive in the usual sense: it was born from desperation, and at its core, it was purely protective.
“It developed itself, I should say, two hours after the fog lifted, and its commencement was at a spot, roughly speaking, about a mile and a half below Kurtz’s station. We had just floundered and flopped round a bend, when I saw an islet, a mere grassy hummock of bright green, in the middle of the stream. It was the only thing of the kind; but as we opened the reach more, I perceived it was the head of a long sand-bank, or rather of a chain of shallow patches stretching down the middle of the river. They were discoloured, just awash, and the whole lot was seen just under the water, exactly as a man’s backbone is seen running down the middle of his back under the skin. Now, as far as I did see, I could go to the right or to the left of this. I didn’t know either channel, of course. The banks looked pretty well alike, the depth appeared the same; but as I had been informed the station was on the west side, I naturally headed for the western passage.
“It happened, I should say, two hours after the fog cleared, and it started at a point, more or less, about a mile and a half downstream from Kurtz’s station. We had just struggled around a bend when I spotted an islet, a small grassy bump of bright green, in the middle of the river. It was the only one like it; but as we opened up the view more, I realized it was the tip of a long sandbank, or more accurately, a series of shallow patches stretching down the river. They were discolored, barely submerged, and all of them were visible just beneath the water, just like a person's backbone can be seen running down the middle of their back under the skin. Now, as far as I could see, I could go to the right or the left of this. I didn’t know either channel, of course. The banks looked pretty much the same, the depth seemed identical; but since I had been told the station was on the west side, I naturally steered toward the western passage."
“No sooner had we fairly entered it than I became aware it was much narrower than I had supposed. To the left of us there was the long uninterrupted shoal, and to the right a high, steep bank heavily overgrown with bushes. Above the bush the trees stood in serried ranks. The twigs overhung the current thickly, and from distance to distance a large limb of some tree projected rigidly over the stream. It was then well on in the afternoon, the face of the forest was gloomy, and a broad strip of shadow had already fallen on the water. In this shadow we steamed up—very slowly, as you may imagine. I sheered her well inshore—the water being deepest near the bank, as the sounding-pole informed me.
“No sooner had we entered than I realized it was much narrower than I had thought. To our left was a long, uninterrupted sandbar, and to our right a high, steep bank thick with bushes. Above the bushes, the trees stood closely lined up. The branches stretched over the current heavily, and from time to time, a large branch from a tree jutted rigidly over the stream. It was already late in the afternoon, the forest looked gloomy, and a wide strip of shadow had fallen on the water. In that shadow, we slowly made our way upstream, as you can imagine. I steered well inshore—the water was deeper near the bank, as the sounding-pole indicated."
“One of my hungry and forbearing friends was sounding in the bows just below me. This steamboat was exactly like a decked scow. On the deck, there were two little teakwood houses, with doors and windows. The boiler was in the fore-end, and the machinery right astern. Over the whole there was a light roof, supported on stanchions. The funnel projected through that roof, and in front of the funnel a small cabin built of light planks served for a pilot-house. It contained a couch, two camp-stools, a loaded Martini-Henry leaning in one corner, a tiny table, and the steering-wheel. It had a wide door in front and a broad shutter at each side. All these were always thrown open, of course. I spent my days perched up there on the extreme fore-end of that roof, before the door. At night I slept, or tried to, on the couch. An athletic black belonging to some coast tribe and educated by my poor predecessor, was the helmsman. He sported a pair of brass earrings, wore a blue cloth wrapper from the waist to the ankles, and thought all the world of himself. He was the most unstable kind of fool I had ever seen. He steered with no end of a swagger while you were by; but if he lost sight of you, he became instantly the prey of an abject funk, and would let that cripple of a steamboat get the upper hand of him in a minute.
One of my hungry and patient friends was standing in the bow just below me. This steamboat was basically like a decked flatboat. On the deck, there were two small teakwood houses with doors and windows. The boiler was at the front, and the machinery was at the back. There was a light roof over the entire structure, supported by posts. The funnel stuck out through that roof, and in front of the funnel, a small cabin made of light planks served as the pilot house. It had a couch, two camp stools, a loaded Martini-Henry leaning in one corner, a tiny table, and the steering wheel. There was a wide door in the front and a broad shutter on each side. All of these were always left open, of course. I spent my days perched up there at the very front of that roof, in front of the door. At night, I slept, or tried to, on the couch. An athletic Black man from a coastal tribe, educated by my unfortunate predecessor, was the helmsman. He wore a pair of brass earrings, had a blue cloth wrap from the waist to the ankles, and thought very highly of himself. He was the most unpredictable fool I had ever encountered. He steered with a lot of swagger whenever you were around; but as soon as he lost sight of you, he would instantly fall into an overwhelming panic and let that clunky steamboat get the best of him in no time.
“I was looking down at the sounding-pole, and feeling much annoyed to see at each try a little more of it stick out of that river, when I saw my poleman give up on the business suddenly, and stretch himself flat on the deck, without even taking the trouble to haul his pole in. He kept hold on it though, and it trailed in the water. At the same time the fireman, whom I could also see below me, sat down abruptly before his furnace and ducked his head. I was amazed. Then I had to look at the river mighty quick, because there was a snag in the fairway. Sticks, little sticks, were flying about—thick: they were whizzing before my nose, dropping below me, striking behind me against my pilot-house. All this time the river, the shore, the woods, were very quiet—perfectly quiet. I could only hear the heavy splashing thump of the stern-wheel and the patter of these things. We cleared the snag clumsily. Arrows, by Jove! We were being shot at! I stepped in quickly to close the shutter on the landside. That fool-helmsman, his hands on the spokes, was lifting his knees high, stamping his feet, champing his mouth, like a reined-in horse. Confound him! And we were staggering within ten feet of the bank. I had to lean right out to swing the heavy shutter, and I saw a face amongst the leaves on the level with my own, looking at me very fierce and steady; and then suddenly, as though a veil had been removed from my eyes, I made out, deep in the tangled gloom, naked breasts, arms, legs, glaring eyes—the bush was swarming with human limbs in movement, glistening of bronze colour. The twigs shook, swayed, and rustled, the arrows flew out of them, and then the shutter came to. ‘Steer her straight,’ I said to the helmsman. He held his head rigid, face forward; but his eyes rolled, he kept on lifting and setting down his feet gently, his mouth foamed a little. ‘Keep quiet!’ I said in a fury. I might just as well have ordered a tree not to sway in the wind. I darted out. Below me there was a great scuffle of feet on the iron deck; confused exclamations; a voice screamed, ‘Can you turn back?’ I caught sight of a V-shaped ripple on the water ahead. What? Another snag! A fusillade burst out under my feet. The pilgrims had opened with their Winchesters, and were simply squirting lead into that bush. A deuce of a lot of smoke came up and drove slowly forward. I swore at it. Now I couldn’t see the ripple or the snag either. I stood in the doorway, peering, and the arrows came in swarms. They might have been poisoned, but they looked as though they wouldn’t kill a cat. The bush began to howl. Our wood-cutters raised a warlike whoop; the report of a rifle just at my back deafened me. I glanced over my shoulder, and the pilot-house was yet full of noise and smoke when I made a dash at the wheel. The fool-nigger had dropped everything, to throw the shutter open and let off that Martini-Henry. He stood before the wide opening, glaring, and I yelled at him to come back, while I straightened the sudden twist out of that steamboat. There was no room to turn even if I had wanted to, the snag was somewhere very near ahead in that confounded smoke, there was no time to lose, so I just crowded her into the bank—right into the bank, where I knew the water was deep.
“I was looking down at the sounding pole and feeling really annoyed to see it sticking out of the river more with every try when I noticed my poleman suddenly give up and lie flat on the deck, not even bothering to pull in his pole. He still held onto it, and it trailed in the water. At the same time, the fireman, who I could also see below me, abruptly sat down in front of his furnace and ducked his head. I was stunned. Then I had to quickly look at the river because there was a snag in the fairway. Sticks, little sticks, were flying around—thick; they were whizzing past my face, dropping below me, hitting behind me against my pilot house. Meanwhile, the river, the shore, and the woods were completely quiet—totally silent. All I could hear was the heavy splashing thump of the stern wheel and the patter of these things. We clumsily cleared the snag. Arrows, for crying out loud! We were being shot at! I quickly stepped in to close the shutter on the landside. That useless helmsman, hands on the spokes, was lifting his knees high, stamping his feet, and chewing his mouth like a restrained horse. Damn him! And we were swaying within ten feet of the bank. I had to lean way out to swing the heavy shutter, and I saw a face among the leaves at my level, looking at me fiercely and steadily; then, suddenly, as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I made out, deep in the tangled shadows, naked breasts, arms, legs, glaring eyes—the bushes were full of moving human limbs, glistening bronze. The twigs shook, swayed, and rustled, the arrows flew out of them, and then the shutter slammed shut. ‘Steer her straight,’ I told the helmsman. He held his head rigid, facing forward; but his eyes rolled, he kept lifting and setting down his feet gently, and his mouth foamed a bit. ‘Keep quiet!’ I said angrily. I might as well have ordered a tree not to sway in the wind. I dashed out. Below me, there was a big scuffle of feet on the iron deck; confused exclamations; a voice screamed, ‘Can you turn back?’ I spotted a V-shaped ripple on the water ahead. What? Another snag! A volley erupted under my feet. The pilgrims had started firing their Winchesters and were just showering lead into that bush. A ton of smoke billowed up and slowly moved forward. I cursed at it. Now I couldn’t see the ripple or the snag either. I stood in the doorway, peering, and the arrows were coming in swarms. They might have been poisoned, but they looked like they wouldn’t kill a cat. The bush began to howl. Our woodcutters raised a war cry; a rifle shot right behind me deafened me. I glanced over my shoulder, and the pilot house was still filled with noise and smoke when I rushed for the wheel. The idiot had dropped everything to throw open the shutter and fire that Martini-Henry. He stood in front of the wide opening, glaring, and I yelled at him to come back while I straightened out the sudden twist in that steamboat. There was no room to turn even if I wanted to; the snag was very close ahead in that damn smoke, and there was no time to waste, so I just rammed her into the bank—right into the bank, where I knew the water was deep.
“We tore slowly along the overhanging bushes in a whirl of broken twigs and flying leaves. The fusillade below stopped short, as I had foreseen it would when the squirts got empty. I threw my head back to a glinting whizz that traversed the pilot-house, in at one shutter-hole and out at the other. Looking past that mad helmsman, who was shaking the empty rifle and yelling at the shore, I saw vague forms of men running bent double, leaping, gliding, distinct, incomplete, evanescent. Something big appeared in the air before the shutter, the rifle went overboard, and the man stepped back swiftly, looked at me over his shoulder in an extraordinary, profound, familiar manner, and fell upon my feet. The side of his head hit the wheel twice, and the end of what appeared a long cane clattered round and knocked over a little camp-stool. It looked as though after wrenching that thing from somebody ashore he had lost his balance in the effort. The thin smoke had blown away, we were clear of the snag, and looking ahead I could see that in another hundred yards or so I would be free to sheer off, away from the bank; but my feet felt so very warm and wet that I had to look down. The man had rolled on his back and stared straight up at me; both his hands clutched that cane. It was the shaft of a spear that, either thrown or lunged through the opening, had caught him in the side, just below the ribs; the blade had gone in out of sight, after making a frightful gash; my shoes were full; a pool of blood lay very still, gleaming dark-red under the wheel; his eyes shone with an amazing lustre. The fusillade burst out again. He looked at me anxiously, gripping the spear like something precious, with an air of being afraid I would try to take it away from him. I had to make an effort to free my eyes from his gaze and attend to the steering. With one hand I felt above my head for the line of the steam whistle, and jerked out screech after screech hurriedly. The tumult of angry and warlike yells was checked instantly, and then from the depths of the woods went out such a tremulous and prolonged wail of mournful fear and utter despair as may be imagined to follow the flight of the last hope from the earth. There was a great commotion in the bush; the shower of arrows stopped, a few dropping shots rang out sharply—then silence, in which the languid beat of the stern-wheel came plainly to my ears. I put the helm hard a-starboard at the moment when the pilgrim in pink pyjamas, very hot and agitated, appeared in the doorway. ‘The manager sends me—’ he began in an official tone, and stopped short. ‘Good God!’ he said, glaring at the wounded man.
"We moved slowly along the overhanging bushes, surrounded by a mess of broken twigs and flying leaves. The gunfire below suddenly stopped, just as I expected it would once the water pistols ran dry. I tilted my head back to catch a shiny blur that zipped through the pilot house, entering one window and exiting the other. Looking past the frantic helmsman, who was shaking his empty rifle and shouting at the shore, I caught glimpses of men running hunched over, leaping and gliding, their forms unclear and fleeting. Something big appeared in front of the window, the rifle went overboard, and the man quickly stepped back, glanced at me over his shoulder in a strangely deep and familiar way, and collapsed at my feet. The side of his head hit the wheel twice, and what looked like a long cane clattered around, knocking over a small camp stool. It seemed like he had pulled that thing from someone on shore and lost his balance in the process. The thin smoke had cleared, we were past the snag, and looking ahead, I saw that in about a hundred yards or so I would be free to steer away from the bank; but my feet felt so warm and wet that I had to look down. The man had rolled onto his back and was staring straight up at me; both his hands clutched that cane. It was the shaft of a spear that, either thrown or lunged through the opening, had struck him in the side, just below the ribs; the blade had gone in out of sight, leaving a horrible gash; my shoes were soaked; a pool of blood lay quietly, gleaming dark red under the wheel; his eyes glinted with an extraordinary brightness. The gunfire erupted again. He looked at me anxiously, holding the spear tightly like it was something precious, appearing afraid I might try to take it from him. I had to force myself to look away from his gaze and focus on steering. With one hand, I reached above my head for the steam whistle cord and pulled it, letting out frantic screeches. The chaos of angry, battle cries immediately halted, and then from deep in the woods came a faint, lingering wail of sorrowful fear and utter despair that one might imagine would follow the loss of all hope. There was a commotion in the bushes; the rain of arrows ceased, a few stray shots rang out sharply—then silence, in which the steady thrum of the stern wheel became clear. I turned the helm hard to starboard just as the pilgrim in pink pajamas, looking hot and agitated, appeared in the doorway. ‘The manager sent me—’ he began in an official tone, then stopped abruptly. ‘Good God!’ he exclaimed, staring at the wounded man."
“We two whites stood over him, and his lustrous and inquiring glance enveloped us both. I declare it looked as though he would presently put to us some questions in an understandable language; but he died without uttering a sound, without moving a limb, without twitching a muscle. Only in the very last moment, as though in response to some sign we could not see, to some whisper we could not hear, he frowned heavily, and that frown gave to his black death-mask an inconceivably sombre, brooding, and menacing expression. The lustre of inquiring glance faded swiftly into vacant glassiness. ‘Can you steer?’ I asked the agent eagerly. He looked very dubious; but I made a grab at his arm, and he understood at once I meant him to steer whether or no. To tell you the truth, I was morbidly anxious to change my shoes and socks. ‘He is dead,’ murmured the fellow, immensely impressed. ‘No doubt about it,’ said I, tugging like mad at the shoe-laces. ‘And by the way, I suppose Mr. Kurtz is dead as well by this time.’
“We two white individuals stood over him, and his shiny, curious gaze took in both of us. I swear it seemed like he was about to ask us something in a language we could understand; but he died without making a sound, without moving a limb, without twitching a muscle. Only in the very last moment, as if responding to some signal we couldn't see, to some whisper we couldn't hear, he frowned heavily, and that frown gave his black death-mask an incredibly dark, brooding, and threatening expression. The shine of his curious gaze quickly faded into a vacant glassiness. ‘Can you steer?’ I asked the agent eagerly. He looked very uncertain, but I grabbed his arm, and he understood right away that I expected him to steer no matter what. To be honest, I was anxious to change my shoes and socks. ‘He is dead,’ murmured the guy, clearly impressed. ‘No doubt about it,’ I said, tugging madly at the shoelaces. ‘And by the way, I assume Mr. Kurtz is dead too by now.’”
“For the moment that was the dominant thought. There was a sense of extreme disappointment, as though I had found out I had been striving after something altogether without a substance. I couldn’t have been more disgusted if I had travelled all this way for the sole purpose of talking with Mr. Kurtz. Talking with... I flung one shoe overboard, and became aware that that was exactly what I had been looking forward to—a talk with Kurtz. I made the strange discovery that I had never imagined him as doing, you know, but as discoursing. I didn’t say to myself, ‘Now I will never see him,’ or ‘Now I will never shake him by the hand,’ but, ‘Now I will never hear him.’ The man presented himself as a voice. Not of course that I did not connect him with some sort of action. Hadn’t I been told in all the tones of jealousy and admiration that he had collected, bartered, swindled, or stolen more ivory than all the other agents together? That was not the point. The point was in his being a gifted creature, and that of all his gifts the one that stood out preeminently, that carried with it a sense of real presence, was his ability to talk, his words—the gift of expression, the bewildering, the illuminating, the most exalted and the most contemptible, the pulsating stream of light, or the deceitful flow from the heart of an impenetrable darkness.
For the moment, that was the main thought. I felt a deep sense of disappointment, as if I had been chasing something completely insubstantial. I couldn't have felt more disgusted if I had traveled all this way just to talk to Mr. Kurtz. Talking with... I tossed one shoe overboard and realized that was exactly what I had been looking forward to—a conversation with Kurtz. I made the odd realization that I had never pictured him doing anything, you know, just speaking. I didn't think to myself, 'Now I will never see him,' or 'Now I will never shake his hand,' but rather, 'Now I will never hear him.' The man seemed to exist as a voice. It’s not that I didn't connect him with some form of action. Hadn't I heard, in every tone of jealousy and admiration, that he had collected, bartered, swindled, or stolen more ivory than all the other agents combined? But that wasn't the point. The point was that he was a remarkable person, and of all his talents, the one that stood out the most, that carried a true sense of presence, was his ability to speak, his words—the gift of expression, both bewildering and illuminating, the highest and the lowest, the vibrant flow of light or the deceptive current from the depths of an impenetrable darkness.
“The other shoe went flying unto the devil-god of that river. I thought, ‘By Jove! it’s all over. We are too late; he has vanished—the gift has vanished, by means of some spear, arrow, or club. I will never hear that chap speak after all’—and my sorrow had a startling extravagance of emotion, even such as I had noticed in the howling sorrow of these savages in the bush. I couldn’t have felt more of lonely desolation somehow, had I been robbed of a belief or had missed my destiny in life.... Why do you sigh in this beastly way, somebody? Absurd? Well, absurd. Good Lord! mustn’t a man ever—Here, give me some tobacco.”...
“The other shoe flew off into the devil-god of that river. I thought, ‘Oh man! It’s all over. We’re too late; he’s disappeared—the gift has disappeared, thanks to some spear, arrow, or club. I’ll never hear that guy speak after all’—and my sadness was so intense, just like the howling grief I’d seen in these savages in the bush. I couldn’t have felt more isolated and desolate, as if I’d lost a belief or missed my purpose in life…. Why are you sighing like that, someone? Absurd? Well, it is absurd. Good Lord! can’t a guy ever—Here, give me some tobacco.”...
There was a pause of profound stillness, then a match flared, and Marlow’s lean face appeared, worn, hollow, with downward folds and dropped eyelids, with an aspect of concentrated attention; and as he took vigorous draws at his pipe, it seemed to retreat and advance out of the night in the regular flicker of tiny flame. The match went out.
There was a moment of deep silence, then a match lit up, revealing Marlow’s thin face, looking tired and hollow, with creases and droopy eyelids, showing a look of intense focus; and as he took strong puffs from his pipe, it seemed to dance in and out of the darkness with the steady flicker of the small flame. The match went out.
“Absurd!” he cried. “This is the worst of trying to tell.... Here you all are, each moored with two good addresses, like a hulk with two anchors, a butcher round one corner, a policeman round another, excellent appetites, and temperature normal—you hear—normal from year’s end to year’s end. And you say, Absurd! Absurd be—exploded! Absurd! My dear boys, what can you expect from a man who out of sheer nervousness had just flung overboard a pair of new shoes! Now I think of it, it is amazing I did not shed tears. I am, upon the whole, proud of my fortitude. I was cut to the quick at the idea of having lost the inestimable privilege of listening to the gifted Kurtz. Of course I was wrong. The privilege was waiting for me. Oh, yes, I heard more than enough. And I was right, too. A voice. He was very little more than a voice. And I heard—him—it—this voice—other voices—all of them were so little more than voices—and the memory of that time itself lingers around me, impalpable, like a dying vibration of one immense jabber, silly, atrocious, sordid, savage, or simply mean, without any kind of sense. Voices, voices—even the girl herself—now—”
“Absurd!” he exclaimed. “This is the worst part of trying to explain.... Here you all are, each anchored with two solid addresses, like a ship with two anchors, a butcher around one corner, a cop around another, good appetites, and normal temperatures—you hear—normal from year to year. And you call it absurd! Absurd be—exploded! Absurd! My dear friends, what can you expect from someone who out of pure nervousness just tossed a new pair of shoes overboard! Now that I think about it, it’s amazing I didn’t cry. I’m actually proud of my strength. I felt deeply disturbed at the thought of losing the priceless opportunity to listen to the talented Kurtz. Of course, I was mistaken. That opportunity was waiting for me. Oh yes, I heard more than enough. And I was right, too. A voice. He was barely more than a voice. And I heard—him—it—this voice—other voices—all of them were hardly more than voices—and the memory of that time itself lingers with me, intangible, like a fading echo of one massive babble, silly, horrific, filthy, brutal, or just petty, without any sense. Voices, voices—even the girl herself—now—”
He was silent for a long time.
He was quiet for a long time.
“I laid the ghost of his gifts at last with a lie,” he began, suddenly. “Girl! What? Did I mention a girl? Oh, she is out of it—completely. They—the women, I mean—are out of it—should be out of it. We must help them to stay in that beautiful world of their own, lest ours gets worse. Oh, she had to be out of it. You should have heard the disinterred body of Mr. Kurtz saying, ‘My Intended.’ You would have perceived directly then how completely she was out of it. And the lofty frontal bone of Mr. Kurtz! They say the hair goes on growing sometimes, but this—ah—specimen, was impressively bald. The wilderness had patted him on the head, and, behold, it was like a ball—an ivory ball; it had caressed him, and—lo!—he had withered; it had taken him, loved him, embraced him, got into his veins, consumed his flesh, and sealed his soul to its own by the inconceivable ceremonies of some devilish initiation. He was its spoiled and pampered favourite. Ivory? I should think so. Heaps of it, stacks of it. The old mud shanty was bursting with it. You would think there was not a single tusk left either above or below the ground in the whole country. ‘Mostly fossil,’ the manager had remarked, disparagingly. It was no more fossil than I am; but they call it fossil when it is dug up. It appears these niggers do bury the tusks sometimes—but evidently they couldn’t bury this parcel deep enough to save the gifted Mr. Kurtz from his fate. We filled the steamboat with it, and had to pile a lot on the deck. Thus he could see and enjoy as long as he could see, because the appreciation of this favour had remained with him to the last. You should have heard him say, ‘My ivory.’ Oh, yes, I heard him. ‘My Intended, my ivory, my station, my river, my—’ everything belonged to him. It made me hold my breath in expectation of hearing the wilderness burst into a prodigious peal of laughter that would shake the fixed stars in their places. Everything belonged to him—but that was a trifle. The thing was to know what he belonged to, how many powers of darkness claimed him for their own. That was the reflection that made you creepy all over. It was impossible—it was not good for one either—trying to imagine. He had taken a high seat amongst the devils of the land—I mean literally. You can’t understand. How could you?—with solid pavement under your feet, surrounded by kind neighbours ready to cheer you or to fall on you, stepping delicately between the butcher and the policeman, in the holy terror of scandal and gallows and lunatic asylums—how can you imagine what particular region of the first ages a man’s untrammelled feet may take him into by the way of solitude—utter solitude without a policeman—by the way of silence—utter silence, where no warning voice of a kind neighbour can be heard whispering of public opinion? These little things make all the great difference. When they are gone you must fall back upon your own innate strength, upon your own capacity for faithfulness. Of course you may be too much of a fool to go wrong—too dull even to know you are being assaulted by the powers of darkness. I take it, no fool ever made a bargain for his soul with the devil; the fool is too much of a fool, or the devil too much of a devil—I don’t know which. Or you may be such a thunderingly exalted creature as to be altogether deaf and blind to anything but heavenly sights and sounds. Then the earth for you is only a standing place—and whether to be like this is your loss or your gain I won’t pretend to say. But most of us are neither one nor the other. The earth for us is a place to live in, where we must put up with sights, with sounds, with smells, too, by Jove!—breathe dead hippo, so to speak, and not be contaminated. And there, don’t you see? Your strength comes in, the faith in your ability for the digging of unostentatious holes to bury the stuff in—your power of devotion, not to yourself, but to an obscure, back-breaking business. And that’s difficult enough. Mind, I am not trying to excuse or even explain—I am trying to account to myself for—for—Mr. Kurtz—for the shade of Mr. Kurtz. This initiated wraith from the back of Nowhere honoured me with its amazing confidence before it vanished altogether. This was because it could speak English to me. The original Kurtz had been educated partly in England, and—as he was good enough to say himself—his sympathies were in the right place. His mother was half-English, his father was half-French. All Europe contributed to the making of Kurtz; and by and by I learned that, most appropriately, the International Society for the Suppression of Savage Customs had intrusted him with the making of a report, for its future guidance. And he had written it, too. I’ve seen it. I’ve read it. It was eloquent, vibrating with eloquence, but too high-strung, I think. Seventeen pages of close writing he had found time for! But this must have been before his—let us say—nerves, went wrong, and caused him to preside at certain midnight dances ending with unspeakable rites, which—as far as I reluctantly gathered from what I heard at various times—were offered up to him—do you understand?—to Mr. Kurtz himself. But it was a beautiful piece of writing. The opening paragraph, however, in the light of later information, strikes me now as ominous. He began with the argument that we whites, from the point of development we had arrived at, ‘must necessarily appear to them [savages] in the nature of supernatural beings—we approach them with the might of a deity,’ and so on, and so on. ‘By the simple exercise of our will we can exert a power for good practically unbounded,’ etc., etc. From that point he soared and took me with him. The peroration was magnificent, though difficult to remember, you know. It gave me the notion of an exotic Immensity ruled by an august Benevolence. It made me tingle with enthusiasm. This was the unbounded power of eloquence—of words—of burning noble words. There were no practical hints to interrupt the magic current of phrases, unless a kind of note at the foot of the last page, scrawled evidently much later, in an unsteady hand, may be regarded as the exposition of a method. It was very simple, and at the end of that moving appeal to every altruistic sentiment it blazed at you, luminous and terrifying, like a flash of lightning in a serene sky: ‘Exterminate all the brutes!’ The curious part was that he had apparently forgotten all about that valuable postscriptum, because, later on, when he in a sense came to himself, he repeatedly entreated me to take good care of ‘my pamphlet’ (he called it), as it was sure to have in the future a good influence upon his career. I had full information about all these things, and, besides, as it turned out, I was to have the care of his memory. I’ve done enough for it to give me the indisputable right to lay it, if I choose, for an everlasting rest in the dust-bin of progress, amongst all the sweepings and, figuratively speaking, all the dead cats of civilization. But then, you see, I can’t choose. He won’t be forgotten. Whatever he was, he was not common. He had the power to charm or frighten rudimentary souls into an aggravated witch-dance in his honour; he could also fill the small souls of the pilgrims with bitter misgivings: he had one devoted friend at least, and he had conquered one soul in the world that was neither rudimentary nor tainted with self-seeking. No; I can’t forget him, though I am not prepared to affirm the fellow was exactly worth the life we lost in getting to him. I missed my late helmsman awfully—I missed him even while his body was still lying in the pilot-house. Perhaps you will think it passing strange this regret for a savage who was no more account than a grain of sand in a black Sahara. Well, don’t you see, he had done something, he had steered; for months I had him at my back—a help—an instrument. It was a kind of partnership. He steered for me—I had to look after him, I worried about his deficiencies, and thus a subtle bond had been created, of which I only became aware when it was suddenly broken. And the intimate profundity of that look he gave me when he received his hurt remains to this day in my memory—like a claim of distant kinship affirmed in a supreme moment.
“I finally put to rest the ghost of his gifts with a lie,” he said abruptly. “Girl! What? Did I mention a girl? Oh, she’s completely out of it. They—the women, I mean—are out of it—they should be out of it. We need to help them stay in that beautiful world of theirs, or else ours will get worse. Oh, she had to be out of it. You should have heard the resurrected voice of Mr. Kurtz saying, ‘My Intended.’ You would have seen then how completely she was out of it. And Mr. Kurtz’s lofty brow! They say hair keeps growing sometimes, but this—ah—specimen was impressively bald. The wilderness had patted him on the head, and, look, it was like a ball—an ivory ball; it had caressed him, and—there!—he had withered; it had taken him, loved him, embraced him, gotten into his veins, consumed his flesh, and sealed his soul to its own through the unimaginable rites of some devilish initiation. He was its spoiled and pampered favorite. Ivory? I’d say so. Piles of it, stacks of it. The old mud hut was bursting with it. You’d think there wasn’t a single tusk left, either above or below the ground, in the whole country. ‘Mostly fossil,’ the manager had said dismissively. It was no more fossil than I am; but they call it fossil when it’s dug up. Apparently these natives do bury the tusks sometimes—but they clearly didn’t bury this shipment deep enough to save the gifted Mr. Kurtz from his fate. We filled the steamboat with it, and had to stack a lot on deck. This way he could see and enjoy it as long as he could still see, because he appreciated this favor right to the end. You should have heard him say, ‘My ivory.’ Oh, yes, I heard him. ‘My Intended, my ivory, my station, my river, my—’ everything belonged to him. It made me hold my breath, expecting to hear the wilderness erupt into a tremendous laugh that would shake the stars in their places. Everything belonged to him—but that was a small matter. The real question was to know what he belonged to, how many powers of darkness claimed him as their own. That was the thought that made you feel creepy all over. It was impossible—it wasn’t good for anyone—trying to imagine. He had taken a high seat among the devils of the land—I mean literally. You can’t understand. How could you?—with solid ground beneath your feet, surrounded by friendly neighbors ready to cheer you on or to come after you, stepping carefully between the butcher and the cop, living in holy fear of scandal, gallows, and asylums—how can you imagine what part of ancient times a man's freedom can lead him into through solitude—utter solitude without a policeman—through silence—sweet silence, where no comforting neighbor whispers about public opinion? These little things make all the difference. When you lose them, you have to rely on your own inherent strength, on your own ability to stay faithful. Of course, you might be too foolish to go wrong—too dull even to realize you’re being attacked by the forces of darkness. I take it, no fool ever made a deal for his soul with the devil; the fool is too foolish, or the devil too much of a devil—I don’t know which. Or you may be such an exalted being that you’re completely deaf and blind to anything but heavenly sights and sounds. Then the earth for you is just a place to stand—and whether being like this is your loss or gain, I won’t pretend to say. But most of us aren’t one or the other. The earth is a place for us to live in, where we have to endure sights, sounds, and, by God!—even the stench of dead hippos, so to speak, and not be affected. And there, don’t you see? Your strength comes into play, the belief in your ability to dig humble holes to bury the stuff in—your power of devotion, not to yourself, but to a difficult, back-breaking job. And that’s hard enough. Mind you, I’m not trying to excuse or explain—I’m trying to make sense of—Mr. Kurtz—for the shadow of Mr. Kurtz. This initiated spirit from the depths of nowhere honored me with its amazing trust before it vanished completely. This was because it could speak English to me. The real Kurtz had been educated partly in England, and—as he was good enough to say—his sympathies were in the right place. His mother was half-English, his father was half-French. All of Europe contributed to the making of Kurtz; and eventually, I learned that, most appropriately, the International Society for the Suppression of Savage Customs had entrusted him with writing a report for future guidance. And he had written it, too. I’ve seen it. I’ve read it. It was eloquent, filled with passion, but perhaps too high-strung, I think. Seventeen pages of tightly written text he found time for! But this must have been before his—let’s say—nerves went haywire, causing him to lead certain midnight dances ending in unspeakable rites, which—as far as I reluctantly gathered from what I heard on various occasions—were offered up to him—do you get it?—to Mr. Kurtz himself. But it was a beautiful piece of writing. The opening paragraph, however, in light of what I later learned, now strikes me as ominous. He started with the argument that we whites, from the level of development we had reached, ‘must necessarily appear to them [savages] as supernatural beings—we approach them with the power of a deity,’ and so on, and so on. ‘Through the simple exercise of our will, we can exert virtually unlimited power for good,’ etc., etc. From that point, he soared and took me with him. The conclusion was magnificent, though hard to remember, you know. It gave me the impression of an exotic vastness ruled by an august Benevolence. It made me tingle with excitement. This was the limitless power of eloquence—of words—of burning noble words. There were no practical suggestions to interrupt the magical flow of phrases, unless a kind of note at the bottom of the last page, clearly written much later, in an unsteady hand, may be seen as an outline of a method. It was very simple, and at the end of that impassioned appeal to every altruistic feeling, it blazed at you, luminous and terrifying, like a flash of lightning in a clear sky: ‘Exterminate all the brutes!’ The strange part was that he seemed to have completely forgotten about that valuable addendum, because later on, when he in a sense came back to himself, he repeatedly asked me to take good care of ‘my pamphlet’ (that’s what he called it), as it was sure to have a positive impact on his career in the future. I had full information about all these things, and, besides, as it turned out, I was to be entrusted with his memory. I’ve done enough for it to give me the undeniable right to lay it, if I choose, for eternal rest in the dustbin of progress, among all the leftovers and, figuratively speaking, all the dead cats of civilization. But then, you see, I can’t choose. He won’t be forgotten. Whatever he was, he was not ordinary. He had the power to charm or frighten basic souls into an intensified witch-dance in his honor; he could also fill the smaller souls of the pilgrims with bitter doubts: he had at least one devoted friend, and he had won over one soul in the world that was neither basic nor self-serving. No; I can’t forget him, even though I’m not ready to say that the guy was exactly worth the life we lost in getting to him. I missed my late helmsman terribly—I missed him even while his body was still in the pilot house. Maybe you’ll think it’s strange to feel this way about a savage who was no more significant than a grain of sand in a black desert. Well, don’t you see, he had done something, he had steered; for months I had him behind me—a help—a tool. It was a kind of partnership. He steered for me—I had to take care of him, I worried about his shortcomings, and thus a subtle bond had formed, of which I only became aware when it was suddenly cut off. And the deep intensity of that look he gave me when he was hurt stays with me to this day—like a distant claim of kinship confirmed in a supreme moment.
“Poor fool! If he had only left that shutter alone. He had no restraint, no restraint—just like Kurtz—a tree swayed by the wind. As soon as I had put on a dry pair of slippers, I dragged him out, after first jerking the spear out of his side, which operation I confess I performed with my eyes shut tight. His heels leaped together over the little doorstep; his shoulders were pressed to my breast; I hugged him from behind desperately. Oh! he was heavy, heavy; heavier than any man on earth, I should imagine. Then without more ado I tipped him overboard. The current snatched him as though he had been a wisp of grass, and I saw the body roll over twice before I lost sight of it for ever. All the pilgrims and the manager were then congregated on the awning-deck about the pilot-house, chattering at each other like a flock of excited magpies, and there was a scandalized murmur at my heartless promptitude. What they wanted to keep that body hanging about for I can’t guess. Embalm it, maybe. But I had also heard another, and a very ominous, murmur on the deck below. My friends the wood-cutters were likewise scandalized, and with a better show of reason—though I admit that the reason itself was quite inadmissible. Oh, quite! I had made up my mind that if my late helmsman was to be eaten, the fishes alone should have him. He had been a very second-rate helmsman while alive, but now he was dead he might have become a first-class temptation, and possibly cause some startling trouble. Besides, I was anxious to take the wheel, the man in pink pyjamas showing himself a hopeless duffer at the business.
“Poor fool! If only he had left that shutter alone. He had no self-control, no self-control—just like Kurtz—a tree swaying in the wind. As soon as I slipped on a dry pair of slippers, I pulled him out, after pulling the spear out of his side, which I admit I did with my eyes tightly shut. His heels jumped together over the little doorstep; his shoulders pressed against my chest; I hugged him tightly from behind. Oh! he was heavy, heavy; heavier than any man on earth, I would imagine. Then without further delay, I tipped him overboard. The current snatched him as if he were a blade of grass, and I watched the body roll over twice before I lost sight of it forever. All the pilgrims and the manager were gathered on the awning deck near the pilot house, chattering like a flock of excited magpies, and there was a shocked murmur at my heartless swiftness. What they wanted to do with that body, I can’t imagine. Maybe embalm it. But I also heard another, very ominous, murmur on the deck below. My friends the wood-cutters were equally shocked, and with better reason—though I admit that the reason itself was entirely unreasonable. Oh, definitely! I had decided that if my late helmsman was to be eaten, the fish alone should get him. He had been a very mediocre helmsman while alive, but now that he was dead, he might have become a first-class temptation and possibly cause some serious trouble. Besides, I was eager to take the wheel, seeing that the guy in pink pajamas was hopelessly incompetent at the job.”
“This I did directly the simple funeral was over. We were going half-speed, keeping right in the middle of the stream, and I listened to the talk about me. They had given up Kurtz, they had given up the station; Kurtz was dead, and the station had been burnt—and so on—and so on. The red-haired pilgrim was beside himself with the thought that at least this poor Kurtz had been properly avenged. ‘Say! We must have made a glorious slaughter of them in the bush. Eh? What do you think? Say?’ He positively danced, the bloodthirsty little gingery beggar. And he had nearly fainted when he saw the wounded man! I could not help saying, ‘You made a glorious lot of smoke, anyhow.’ I had seen, from the way the tops of the bushes rustled and flew, that almost all the shots had gone too high. You can’t hit anything unless you take aim and fire from the shoulder; but these chaps fired from the hip with their eyes shut. The retreat, I maintained—and I was right—was caused by the screeching of the steam whistle. Upon this they forgot Kurtz, and began to howl at me with indignant protests.
“I did this right after the simple funeral ended. We were moving slowly, staying right in the middle of the stream, and I listened to the talk about me. They had given up on Kurtz, they had abandoned the station; Kurtz was dead, and the station had been burned—and so on—and so on. The red-haired pilgrim was beside himself with the idea that at least this poor Kurtz had been properly avenged. ‘Hey! We must have made a glorious slaughter of them in the bush. Right? What do you think? Huh?’ He was practically dancing, that bloodthirsty little ginger. And he almost fainted when he saw the wounded man! I couldn’t help saying, ‘You created a glorious amount of smoke, anyway.’ I had noticed, from how the tops of the bushes rustled and flew, that almost all the shots had gone too high. You can’t hit anything unless you aim and fire from the shoulder; but these guys fired from the hip with their eyes closed. I insisted—the retreat was caused by the shrieking of the steam whistle. At this, they forgot about Kurtz and started howling at me with angry protests.”
“The manager stood by the wheel murmuring confidentially about the necessity of getting well away down the river before dark at all events, when I saw in the distance a clearing on the riverside and the outlines of some sort of building. ‘What’s this?’ I asked. He clapped his hands in wonder. ‘The station!’ he cried. I edged in at once, still going half-speed.
“The manager stood by the wheel, quietly stressing the importance of getting far down the river before dark no matter what, when I spotted a clearing by the riverside and the outline of some kind of building in the distance. 'What’s that?' I asked. He clapped his hands in surprise. 'The station!' he exclaimed. I immediately steered in, still moving at half-speed.”
“Through my glasses I saw the slope of a hill interspersed with rare trees and perfectly free from undergrowth. A long decaying building on the summit was half buried in the high grass; the large holes in the peaked roof gaped black from afar; the jungle and the woods made a background. There was no enclosure or fence of any kind; but there had been one apparently, for near the house half-a-dozen slim posts remained in a row, roughly trimmed, and with their upper ends ornamented with round carved balls. The rails, or whatever there had been between, had disappeared. Of course the forest surrounded all that. The river-bank was clear, and on the waterside I saw a white man under a hat like a cart-wheel beckoning persistently with his whole arm. Examining the edge of the forest above and below, I was almost certain I could see movements—human forms gliding here and there. I steamed past prudently, then stopped the engines and let her drift down. The man on the shore began to shout, urging us to land. ‘We have been attacked,’ screamed the manager. ‘I know—I know. It’s all right,’ yelled back the other, as cheerful as you please. ‘Come along. It’s all right. I am glad.’
“Through my glasses, I saw the slope of a hill dotted with rare trees and completely clear of underbrush. A long, decaying building on the top was half-hidden in the tall grass; the large holes in the peaked roof looked dark from a distance; the jungle and woods formed a backdrop. There was no enclosure or fence of any kind, but there had clearly been one at some point, as nearby the house stood half a dozen slim posts in a row, roughly trimmed, with their upper ends adorned with round carved balls. The rails or whatever had been there were gone. Naturally, the forest surrounded it all. The riverbank was clear, and by the waterside, I spotted a white man under a hat that resembled a cart-wheel, waving vigorously with his whole arm. As I scanned the edge of the forest above and below, I was almost sure I could see movements—human figures moving here and there. I cautiously steamed past, then stopped the engines and let the boat drift down. The man on the shore started shouting, urging us to land. ‘We've been attacked,’ screamed the manager. ‘I know—I know. It's fine,’ the other yelled back, sounding cheerful. ‘Come along. It's fine. I'm glad.’”
“His aspect reminded me of something I had seen—something funny I had seen somewhere. As I manoeuvred to get alongside, I was asking myself, ‘What does this fellow look like?’ Suddenly I got it. He looked like a harlequin. His clothes had been made of some stuff that was brown holland probably, but it was covered with patches all over, with bright patches, blue, red, and yellow—patches on the back, patches on the front, patches on elbows, on knees; coloured binding around his jacket, scarlet edging at the bottom of his trousers; and the sunshine made him look extremely gay and wonderfully neat withal, because you could see how beautifully all this patching had been done. A beardless, boyish face, very fair, no features to speak of, nose peeling, little blue eyes, smiles and frowns chasing each other over that open countenance like sunshine and shadow on a wind-swept plain. ‘Look out, captain!’ he cried; ‘there’s a snag lodged in here last night.’ What! Another snag? I confess I swore shamefully. I had nearly holed my cripple, to finish off that charming trip. The harlequin on the bank turned his little pug-nose up to me. ‘You English?’ he asked, all smiles. ‘Are you?’ I shouted from the wheel. The smiles vanished, and he shook his head as if sorry for my disappointment. Then he brightened up. ‘Never mind!’ he cried encouragingly. ‘Are we in time?’ I asked. ‘He is up there,’ he replied, with a toss of the head up the hill, and becoming gloomy all of a sudden. His face was like the autumn sky, overcast one moment and bright the next.
“His appearance reminded me of something I’d seen before—something amusing from somewhere. As I maneuvered to get closer, I asked myself, ‘What does this guy look like?’ Suddenly, it hit me. He looked like a clown. His clothes seemed to be made from some kind of brown fabric, probably, but they were covered in patches all over, with bright patches—blue, red, and yellow—patches on the back, patches on the front, patches on his elbows, on his knees; colored trim around his jacket, scarlet edging at the bottom of his pants; and the sunlight made him look extremely cheerful and wonderfully tidy because you could see how beautifully all this patchwork had been done. A beardless, boyish face, very fair, with no distinctive features, a peeling nose, little blue eyes, smiles and frowns flickering across that open face like sunshine and shadow on a wind-swept field. ‘Watch out, captain!’ he yelled; ‘there’s a snag lodged in here from last night.’ What! Another snag? I admit I swore angrily. I had nearly damaged my boat, almost ruining that delightful trip. The clown on the bank turned his little pug-nose up at me. ‘You English?’ he asked, all smiles. ‘Are you?’ I shouted from the wheel. The smiles vanished, and he shook his head as if he felt sorry for my disappointment. Then he brightened up. ‘Never mind!’ he shouted encouragingly. ‘Are we in time?’ I asked. ‘He’s up there,’ he replied, gesturing up the hill, becoming gloomy all of a sudden. His face was like the autumn sky, overcast one moment and bright the next.”
“When the manager, escorted by the pilgrims, all of them armed to the teeth, had gone to the house this chap came on board. ‘I say, I don’t like this. These natives are in the bush,’ I said. He assured me earnestly it was all right. ‘They are simple people,’ he added; ‘well, I am glad you came. It took me all my time to keep them off.’ ‘But you said it was all right,’ I cried. ‘Oh, they meant no harm,’ he said; and as I stared he corrected himself, ‘Not exactly.’ Then vivaciously, ‘My faith, your pilot-house wants a clean-up!’ In the next breath he advised me to keep enough steam on the boiler to blow the whistle in case of any trouble. ‘One good screech will do more for you than all your rifles. They are simple people,’ he repeated. He rattled away at such a rate he quite overwhelmed me. He seemed to be trying to make up for lots of silence, and actually hinted, laughing, that such was the case. ‘Don’t you talk with Mr. Kurtz?’ I said. ‘You don’t talk with that man—you listen to him,’ he exclaimed with severe exaltation. ‘But now—’ He waved his arm, and in the twinkling of an eye was in the uttermost depths of despondency. In a moment he came up again with a jump, possessed himself of both my hands, shook them continuously, while he gabbled: ‘Brother sailor... honour... pleasure... delight... introduce myself... Russian... son of an arch-priest... Government of Tambov... What? Tobacco! English tobacco; the excellent English tobacco! Now, that’s brotherly. Smoke? Where’s a sailor that does not smoke?”
"When the manager, accompanied by the armed pilgrims, arrived at the house, this guy came on board. 'I have to say, I don't like this. These locals are in the bush,' I mentioned. He earnestly assured me it was all fine. 'They're simple people,' he added; 'I'm glad you made it. It took me everything I had to keep them away.' 'But you said it was fine,' I exclaimed. 'Oh, they meant no harm,' he corrected himself, then added, 'Not exactly.' Then, with enthusiasm, he said, 'Wow, your pilot house needs a clean-up!' In the next breath, he advised me to keep enough steam in the boiler to blow the whistle if any trouble came up. 'One good screech will do more for you than all your rifles. They are simple people,' he repeated. He talked so much that I felt overwhelmed. It was like he was trying to make up for a lot of silence. He even hinted at it, laughing. 'Don’t you talk with Mr. Kurtz?' I asked. 'You don’t talk with that man—you listen to him,' he replied with serious excitement. 'But now—' He waved his arm and, in an instant, was in a deep state of gloom. A moment later, he jumped back up, grabbed both my hands, shook them continuously, and babbled: 'Brother sailor... honor... pleasure... delight... let me introduce myself... Russian... son of an arch-priest... Government of Tambov... What? Tobacco! English tobacco; the excellent English tobacco! Now, that's brotherly. Smoke? Where’s a sailor that doesn’t smoke?”
“The pipe soothed him, and gradually I made out he had run away from school, had gone to sea in a Russian ship; ran away again; served some time in English ships; was now reconciled with the arch-priest. He made a point of that. ‘But when one is young one must see things, gather experience, ideas; enlarge the mind.’ ‘Here!’ I interrupted. ‘You can never tell! Here I met Mr. Kurtz,’ he said, youthfully solemn and reproachful. I held my tongue after that. It appears he had persuaded a Dutch trading-house on the coast to fit him out with stores and goods, and had started for the interior with a light heart and no more idea of what would happen to him than a baby. He had been wandering about that river for nearly two years alone, cut off from everybody and everything. ‘I am not so young as I look. I am twenty-five,’ he said. ‘At first old Van Shuyten would tell me to go to the devil,’ he narrated with keen enjoyment; ‘but I stuck to him, and talked and talked, till at last he got afraid I would talk the hind-leg off his favourite dog, so he gave me some cheap things and a few guns, and told me he hoped he would never see my face again. Good old Dutchman, Van Shuyten. I’ve sent him one small lot of ivory a year ago, so that he can’t call me a little thief when I get back. I hope he got it. And for the rest I don’t care. I had some wood stacked for you. That was my old house. Did you see?’
“The pipe relaxed him, and slowly I realized he had run away from school, joined a Russian ship, ran away again, spent some time on English ships, and was now back in good terms with the arch-priest. He emphasized that point. ‘But when you’re young, you have to see the world, gain experience, ideas; expand your horizons.’ ‘Seriously!’ I interrupted. ‘You never know! Here I met Mr. Kurtz,’ he said, looking youthful yet serious. I kept quiet after that. Apparently, he had convinced a Dutch trading company on the coast to give him supplies and had set off for the interior with a carefree spirit and no understanding of what awaited him, like a baby. He had been wandering along that river for almost two years alone, isolated from everyone and everything. ‘I’m not as young as I seem. I’m twenty-five,’ he said. ‘At first, old Van Shuyten would tell me to go away,’ he recounted with real enjoyment; ‘but I stuck around, talked and talked, until finally, he got worried I’d talk his favorite dog’s ear off, so he gave me some cheap stuff and a few guns, and said he hoped he’d never see me again. Good old Dutchman, Van Shuyten. I sent him a small shipment of ivory a year ago, so he won’t be able to call me a little thief when I return. I hope he received it. And other than that, I don’t care. I had some wood stacked for you. That was my old place. Did you see?’”
“I gave him Towson’s book. He made as though he would kiss me, but restrained himself. ‘The only book I had left, and I thought I had lost it,’ he said, looking at it ecstatically. ‘So many accidents happen to a man going about alone, you know. Canoes get upset sometimes—and sometimes you’ve got to clear out so quick when the people get angry.’ He thumbed the pages. ‘You made notes in Russian?’ I asked. He nodded. ‘I thought they were written in cipher,’ I said. He laughed, then became serious. ‘I had lots of trouble to keep these people off,’ he said. ‘Did they want to kill you?’ I asked. ‘Oh, no!’ he cried, and checked himself. ‘Why did they attack us?’ I pursued. He hesitated, then said shamefacedly, ‘They don’t want him to go.’ ‘Don’t they?’ I said curiously. He nodded a nod full of mystery and wisdom. ‘I tell you,’ he cried, ‘this man has enlarged my mind.’ He opened his arms wide, staring at me with his little blue eyes that were perfectly round.”
“I gave him Towson’s book. He acted like he was going to kiss me, but held back. ‘The only book I had left, and I thought I lost it,’ he said, looking at it with excitement. ‘So many things can happen to a guy when he’s alone, you know. Canoes sometimes flip over—and you sometimes have to get out of there fast when people get angry.’ He flipped through the pages. ‘You made notes in Russian?’ I asked. He nodded. ‘I thought they were in code,’ I said. He laughed, then became serious. ‘I had a lot of trouble keeping these people away,’ he said. ‘Did they want to kill you?’ I asked. ‘Oh, no!’ he shouted, then caught himself. ‘Why did they attack us?’ I pressed. He hesitated, then said sheepishly, ‘They don’t want him to go.’ ‘Don’t they?’ I asked, intrigued. He nodded, filled with mystery and wisdom. ‘I tell you,’ he exclaimed, ‘this man has opened my mind.’ He spread his arms wide, staring at me with his little blue eyes that were perfectly round.”
III
“I looked at him, lost in astonishment. There he was before me, in motley, as though he had absconded from a troupe of mimes, enthusiastic, fabulous. His very existence was improbable, inexplicable, and altogether bewildering. He was an insoluble problem. It was inconceivable how he had existed, how he had succeeded in getting so far, how he had managed to remain—why he did not instantly disappear. ‘I went a little farther,’ he said, ‘then still a little farther—till I had gone so far that I don’t know how I’ll ever get back. Never mind. Plenty time. I can manage. You take Kurtz away quick—quick—I tell you.’ The glamour of youth enveloped his parti-coloured rags, his destitution, his loneliness, the essential desolation of his futile wanderings. For months—for years—his life hadn’t been worth a day’s purchase; and there he was gallantly, thoughtlessly alive, to all appearances indestructible solely by the virtue of his few years and of his unreflecting audacity. I was seduced into something like admiration—like envy. Glamour urged him on, glamour kept him unscathed. He surely wanted nothing from the wilderness but space to breathe in and to push on through. His need was to exist, and to move onwards at the greatest possible risk, and with a maximum of privation. If the absolutely pure, uncalculating, unpractical spirit of adventure had ever ruled a human being, it ruled this bepatched youth. I almost envied him the possession of this modest and clear flame. It seemed to have consumed all thought of self so completely, that even while he was talking to you, you forgot that it was he—the man before your eyes—who had gone through these things. I did not envy him his devotion to Kurtz, though. He had not meditated over it. It came to him, and he accepted it with a sort of eager fatalism. I must say that to me it appeared about the most dangerous thing in every way he had come upon so far.
“I looked at him, stunned. There he was in front of me, dressed in mismatched clothes, as if he had escaped from a group of mimes, full of energy and amazing. His very presence was unlikely, confusing, and completely puzzling. He was an unsolvable mystery. It was hard to believe how he had survived, how he had made it this far, and how he had managed to stay—why he didn’t just vanish at once. ‘I went a little farther,’ he said, ‘then still a little farther—until I had gone so far that I don’t know how I’ll ever get back. Never mind. Plenty of time. I can handle it. You get Kurtz away quickly—quickly, I tell you.’ The charm of youth surrounded his colorful rags, his poverty, his loneliness, the deep sense of despair in his useless wandering. For months—years—his life hadn’t been worth a single day; yet there he was, bravely and carelessly alive, apparently indestructible just because of his youth and his reckless boldness. I was drawn into something like admiration—like envy. That charm pushed him forward, keeping him unharmed. He clearly wanted nothing from the wilderness but room to breathe and to keep moving. His need was to exist and to keep going at great risk and with maximum deprivation. If the pure, spontaneous, unpractical spirit of adventure had ever guided anyone, it was this patched-up young man. I almost envied him for having this simple and clear fire. It seemed to have completely consumed any thoughts of himself, so much so that even while he was talking to you, you forgot that it was he—the person right in front of you—who had experienced all of this. I didn’t envy him his loyalty to Kurtz, though. It wasn’t something he had thought deeply about. It just came to him, and he accepted it with a kind of eager fatalism. Honestly, it seemed to me like the most dangerous thing he had encountered so far in every way."
“They had come together unavoidably, like two ships becalmed near each other, and lay rubbing sides at last. I suppose Kurtz wanted an audience, because on a certain occasion, when encamped in the forest, they had talked all night, or more probably Kurtz had talked. ‘We talked of everything,’ he said, quite transported at the recollection. ‘I forgot there was such a thing as sleep. The night did not seem to last an hour. Everything! Everything!... Of love, too.’ ‘Ah, he talked to you of love!’ I said, much amused. ‘It isn’t what you think,’ he cried, almost passionately. ‘It was in general. He made me see things—things.’
“They had come together inevitably, like two ships stuck in the same spot, and ended up rubbing against each other. I think Kurtz wanted an audience because one time, when they were camping in the forest, they talked all night, or more likely, Kurtz did all the talking. ‘We talked about everything,’ he said, really excited by the memory. ‘I forgot sleep even existed. The night felt like it lasted no time at all. Everything! Everything!... Including love, too.’ ‘Oh, he talked to you about love!’ I said, finding it quite funny. ‘It’s not what you think,’ he exclaimed, almost intensely. ‘It was general. He made me see things—things.’”
“He threw his arms up. We were on deck at the time, and the headman of my wood-cutters, lounging near by, turned upon him his heavy and glittering eyes. I looked around, and I don’t know why, but I assure you that never, never before, did this land, this river, this jungle, the very arch of this blazing sky, appear to me so hopeless and so dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless to human weakness. ‘And, ever since, you have been with him, of course?’ I said.
“He threw his arms up. We were on deck at the time, and the leader of my wood-cutters, lounging nearby, turned his heavy, glittering eyes toward him. I looked around, and for some reason, I assure you that never before did this land, this river, this jungle, the very arch of this blazing sky, seem to me so hopeless and dark, so impenetrable to human understanding, so merciless to human vulnerability. ‘And, ever since, you’ve been with him, right?’ I said."
“On the contrary. It appears their intercourse had been very much broken by various causes. He had, as he informed me proudly, managed to nurse Kurtz through two illnesses (he alluded to it as you would to some risky feat), but as a rule Kurtz wandered alone, far in the depths of the forest. ‘Very often coming to this station, I had to wait days and days before he would turn up,’ he said. ‘Ah, it was worth waiting for!—sometimes.’ ‘What was he doing? exploring or what?’ I asked. ‘Oh, yes, of course’; he had discovered lots of villages, a lake, too—he did not know exactly in what direction; it was dangerous to inquire too much—but mostly his expeditions had been for ivory. ‘But he had no goods to trade with by that time,’ I objected. ‘There’s a good lot of cartridges left even yet,’ he answered, looking away. ‘To speak plainly, he raided the country,’ I said. He nodded. ‘Not alone, surely!’ He muttered something about the villages round that lake. ‘Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, did he?’ I suggested. He fidgeted a little. ‘They adored him,’ he said. The tone of these words was so extraordinary that I looked at him searchingly. It was curious to see his mingled eagerness and reluctance to speak of Kurtz. The man filled his life, occupied his thoughts, swayed his emotions. ‘What can you expect?’ he burst out; ‘he came to them with thunder and lightning, you know—and they had never seen anything like it—and very terrible. He could be very terrible. You can’t judge Mr. Kurtz as you would an ordinary man. No, no, no! Now—just to give you an idea—I don’t mind telling you, he wanted to shoot me, too, one day—but I don’t judge him.’ ‘Shoot you!’ I cried. ‘What for?’ ‘Well, I had a small lot of ivory the chief of that village near my house gave me. You see I used to shoot game for them. Well, he wanted it, and wouldn’t hear reason. He declared he would shoot me unless I gave him the ivory and then cleared out of the country, because he could do so, and had a fancy for it, and there was nothing on earth to prevent him killing whom he jolly well pleased. And it was true, too. I gave him the ivory. What did I care! But I didn’t clear out. No, no. I couldn’t leave him. I had to be careful, of course, till we got friendly again for a time. He had his second illness then. Afterwards I had to keep out of the way; but I didn’t mind. He was living for the most part in those villages on the lake. When he came down to the river, sometimes he would take to me, and sometimes it was better for me to be careful. This man suffered too much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn’t get away. When I had a chance I begged him to try and leave while there was time; I offered to go back with him. And he would say yes, and then he would remain; go off on another ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; forget himself amongst these people—forget himself—you know.’ ‘Why! he’s mad,’ I said. He protested indignantly. Mr. Kurtz couldn’t be mad. If I had heard him talk, only two days ago, I wouldn’t dare hint at such a thing.... I had taken up my binoculars while we talked, and was looking at the shore, sweeping the limit of the forest at each side and at the back of the house. The consciousness of there being people in that bush, so silent, so quiet—as silent and quiet as the ruined house on the hill—made me uneasy. There was no sign on the face of nature of this amazing tale that was not so much told as suggested to me in desolate exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases, in hints ending in deep sighs. The woods were unmoved, like a mask—heavy, like the closed door of a prison—they looked with their air of hidden knowledge, of patient expectation, of unapproachable silence. The Russian was explaining to me that it was only lately that Mr. Kurtz had come down to the river, bringing along with him all the fighting men of that lake tribe. He had been absent for several months—getting himself adored, I suppose—and had come down unexpectedly, with the intention to all appearance of making a raid either across the river or down stream. Evidently the appetite for more ivory had got the better of the—what shall I say?—less material aspirations. However he had got much worse suddenly. ‘I heard he was lying helpless, and so I came up—took my chance,’ said the Russian. ‘Oh, he is bad, very bad.’ I directed my glass to the house. There were no signs of life, but there was the ruined roof, the long mud wall peeping above the grass, with three little square window-holes, no two of the same size; all this brought within reach of my hand, as it were. And then I made a brusque movement, and one of the remaining posts of that vanished fence leaped up in the field of my glass. You remember I told you I had been struck at the distance by certain attempts at ornamentation, rather remarkable in the ruinous aspect of the place. Now I had suddenly a nearer view, and its first result was to make me throw my head back as if before a blow. Then I went carefully from post to post with my glass, and I saw my mistake. These round knobs were not ornamental but symbolic; they were expressive and puzzling, striking and disturbing—food for thought and also for vultures if there had been any looking down from the sky; but at all events for such ants as were industrious enough to ascend the pole. They would have been even more impressive, those heads on the stakes, if their faces had not been turned to the house. Only one, the first I had made out, was facing my way. I was not so shocked as you may think. The start back I had given was really nothing but a movement of surprise. I had expected to see a knob of wood there, you know. I returned deliberately to the first I had seen—and there it was, black, dried, sunken, with closed eyelids—a head that seemed to sleep at the top of that pole, and, with the shrunken dry lips showing a narrow white line of the teeth, was smiling, too, smiling continuously at some endless and jocose dream of that eternal slumber.
“On the contrary. It seems their interactions had been quite disrupted for various reasons. He proudly told me he had managed to nurse Kurtz through two illnesses (he mentioned it like a risky achievement), but usually, Kurtz wandered alone deep in the forest. ‘Often when I came to this station, I had to wait days and days for him to show up,’ he said. ‘Ah, it was worth the wait!—sometimes.’ ‘What was he doing? Exploring or what?’ I asked. ‘Oh, yes, of course’; he discovered lots of villages and even a lake—he didn’t know exactly which way; it was dangerous to ask too much—but mostly his trips were for ivory. ‘But he had no goods to trade by then,’ I argued. ‘There are still plenty of cartridges left,’ he replied, looking away. ‘Let’s be clear, he raided the country,’ I said. He nodded. ‘Not alone, surely!’ He mumbled something about the villages around that lake. ‘Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, right?’ I suggested. He fidgeted a bit. ‘They adored him,’ he said. The tone in his voice was so unusual that I looked at him closely. It was interesting to see his mixed eagerness and reluctance to talk about Kurtz. The man consumed his life, occupied his thoughts, and influenced his feelings. ‘What do you expect?’ he exclaimed; ‘he came to them with thunder and lightning, you know—and they had never seen anything like it—and it was very frightening. He could be very terrifying. You can’t judge Mr. Kurtz like any ordinary man. No, no, no! Just to give you an idea—I don’t mind telling you, he wanted to shoot me one day—but I don’t judge him.’ ‘Shoot you!’ I shouted. ‘What for?’ ‘Well, I had a small amount of ivory that the chief of that village near my house gave me. You see, I used to hunt game for them. Well, he wanted it and wouldn’t listen to reason. He said he would shoot me unless I gave him the ivory and then left the country, because he could do it, had a fancy for it, and there was nothing stopping him from killing whoever he wanted. And it was true. I gave him the ivory. What did I care! But I didn’t leave. No, no. I couldn’t abandon him. I had to be careful, of course, until we got on friendly terms for a while. He had his second illness then. After that, I had to stay out of his way; but I didn’t mind. He mostly lived in those villages by the lake. When he came down to the river, sometimes he’d take to me, and sometimes it was better for me to be cautious. This man suffered too much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn’t escape. When I had a chance, I urged him to try to leave while there was still time; I offered to go back with him. And he’d say yes, and then he would stay; go off on another ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; forget himself among these people—forget himself—you know.’ ‘Why! He’s crazy,’ I said. He protested indignantly. Mr. Kurtz couldn’t be crazy. If I had heard him talk just two days ago, I wouldn’t have dared suggest such a thing.... I had picked up my binoculars while we talked and was scanning the shore, checking the edge of the forest on either side and behind the house. The knowledge that there were people in that bush, so silent, so quiet—as silent and quiet as the crumbling house on the hill—made me uneasy. There was no sign from nature of this astonishing story that wasn’t so much told as hinted at through desolate exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted sentences, in hints ending in deep sighs. The woods were unmoving, like a mask—heavy, like the closed door of a prison—they seemed to look with an air of hidden knowledge, of patient waiting, of unapproachable silence. The Russian was explaining to me that it was only recently that Mr. Kurtz had come down to the river, bringing all the fighting men from that lake tribe with him. He had been away for several months—getting himself adored, I suppose—and had come down unexpectedly, seemingly with the intention of making a raid either across the river or downstream. Clearly, the craving for more ivory had overtaken the—what can I say?—less material aspirations. However, he had gotten much worse all of a sudden. ‘I heard he was lying helpless, so I came up—took my chance,’ said the Russian. ‘Oh, he is bad, very bad.’ I directed my binoculars toward the house. There were no signs of life, but there was the ruined roof, the long mud wall peeking above the grass, with three little square window holes, no two the same size; all this felt within reach of my hand, as it were. And then I made a sudden movement, and one of the remaining posts of that vanished fence jumped into the view of my binoculars. Remember I told you I was struck by certain attempts at decoration, rather remarkable in the ruinous state of the place. Now I had a closer view, and its first result made me jerk my head back as if before a blow. Then I carefully checked each post with my binoculars, and I saw my mistake. These round knobs weren’t decorative but symbolic; they were expressive and puzzling, striking and unsettling—food for thought and also for vultures if there were any looking down from the sky; but definitely for any ants industrious enough to climb the pole. They would have been even more striking, those heads on the stakes, if their faces hadn’t been turned toward the house. Only one, the first I noticed, was facing my way. I wasn’t as shocked as you might think. The recoil I had was really just a move of surprise. I had expected to see a knob of wood there, you know. I returned deliberately to the first one I had seen—and there it was, black, dried, sunken, with closed eyelids—a head that seemed to sleep at the top of that pole, and with the shrunken dry lips showing a narrow white line of teeth, was smiling, too, continuously smiling at some endless and playful dream of that eternal slumber.”
“I am not disclosing any trade secrets. In fact, the manager said afterwards that Mr. Kurtz’s methods had ruined the district. I have no opinion on that point, but I want you clearly to understand that there was nothing exactly profitable in these heads being there. They only showed that Mr. Kurtz lacked restraint in the gratification of his various lusts, that there was something wanting in him—some small matter which, when the pressing need arose, could not be found under his magnificent eloquence. Whether he knew of this deficiency himself I can’t say. I think the knowledge came to him at last—only at the very last. But the wilderness had found him out early, and had taken on him a terrible vengeance for the fantastic invasion. I think it had whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude—and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating. It echoed loudly within him because he was hollow at the core.... I put down the glass, and the head that had appeared near enough to be spoken to seemed at once to have leaped away from me into inaccessible distance.
“I’m not revealing any trade secrets. In fact, the manager said later that Mr. Kurtz’s methods had destroyed the district. I don’t have an opinion on that, but I want you to clearly understand that there was nothing truly profitable about those heads being there. They only showed that Mr. Kurtz had no control over his various desires, that there was something missing in him—some small thing that, when the urgent need arose, could not be found beneath his impressive eloquence. Whether he was aware of this shortcoming himself, I can't say. I believe he eventually realized it—only, it was very late. But the wilderness had uncovered him early on and had taken a terrible revenge for the outrageous invasion. I think it had whispered things about himself to him that he didn't understand, things he couldn't grasp until he sought counsel with this vast solitude—and the whisper had proved irresistibly captivating. It echoed loudly within him because he was empty at the core.... I set down the glass, and the head that had seemed close enough to talk to immediately felt like it had jumped away from me into unreachable distance."
“The admirer of Mr. Kurtz was a bit crestfallen. In a hurried, indistinct voice he began to assure me he had not dared to take these—say, symbols—down. He was not afraid of the natives; they would not stir till Mr. Kurtz gave the word. His ascendancy was extraordinary. The camps of these people surrounded the place, and the chiefs came every day to see him. They would crawl.... ‘I don’t want to know anything of the ceremonies used when approaching Mr. Kurtz,’ I shouted. Curious, this feeling that came over me that such details would be more intolerable than those heads drying on the stakes under Mr. Kurtz’s windows. After all, that was only a savage sight, while I seemed at one bound to have been transported into some lightless region of subtle horrors, where pure, uncomplicated savagery was a positive relief, being something that had a right to exist—obviously—in the sunshine. The young man looked at me with surprise. I suppose it did not occur to him that Mr. Kurtz was no idol of mine. He forgot I hadn’t heard any of these splendid monologues on, what was it? on love, justice, conduct of life—or what not. If it had come to crawling before Mr. Kurtz, he crawled as much as the veriest savage of them all. I had no idea of the conditions, he said: these heads were the heads of rebels. I shocked him excessively by laughing. Rebels! What would be the next definition I was to hear? There had been enemies, criminals, workers—and these were rebels. Those rebellious heads looked very subdued to me on their sticks. ‘You don’t know how such a life tries a man like Kurtz,’ cried Kurtz’s last disciple. ‘Well, and you?’ I said. ‘I! I! I am a simple man. I have no great thoughts. I want nothing from anybody. How can you compare me to...?’ His feelings were too much for speech, and suddenly he broke down. ‘I don’t understand,’ he groaned. ‘I’ve been doing my best to keep him alive, and that’s enough. I had no hand in all this. I have no abilities. There hasn’t been a drop of medicine or a mouthful of invalid food for months here. He was shamefully abandoned. A man like this, with such ideas. Shamefully! Shamefully! I—I—haven’t slept for the last ten nights...’
“The admirer of Mr. Kurtz was a little downcast. In a hurried, unclear voice, he started to assure me that he hadn’t dared to take down these—let’s say, symbols. He wasn’t afraid of the locals; they wouldn’t move until Mr. Kurtz gave the signal. His influence was incredible. The camps of these people surrounded the area, and the chiefs came to see him every day. They would crawl.... ‘I don’t want to know anything about the rituals used when approaching Mr. Kurtz,’ I yelled. It struck me as odd that I felt such details would be more unbearable than those heads drying on the stakes beneath Mr. Kurtz’s windows. After all, that was just a savage sight, while I felt like I had been suddenly transported to some dark place filled with subtle horrors, where pure, uncomplicated savagery was a welcome relief, as it had a right to exist—obviously—in the sunlight. The young man looked at me in surprise. I suppose it didn’t cross his mind that Mr. Kurtz wasn’t my idol. He forgot I hadn’t heard any of those amazing monologues about, what was it? love, justice, how to live—or whatever. If it came to crawling before Mr. Kurtz, he crawled just as much as the most savage of them all. I had no idea about the circumstances, he said: those heads were the heads of rebels. I shocked him greatly by laughing. Rebels! What would be the next term I would hear? There had been enemies, criminals, workers—and now these were rebels. Those rebellious heads looked very subdued to me on their stakes. ‘You don’t know how much a life like this wears on a man like Kurtz,’ cried Kurtz’s last follower. ‘Well, what about you?’ I asked. ‘I! I! I’m just a simple man. I have no grand thoughts. I want nothing from anyone. How can you compare me to...?’ His feelings overwhelmed him, and suddenly he broke down. ‘I don’t understand,’ he groaned. ‘I’ve been doing everything I can to keep him alive, and that should be enough. I had no role in all this. I have no skills. There hasn’t been a drop of medicine or a mouthful of soft food for months here. He was terribly abandoned. A man like this, with such ideas. Terribly! Terribly! I—I—haven’t slept for the last ten nights...’”
“His voice lost itself in the calm of the evening. The long shadows of the forest had slipped downhill while we talked, had gone far beyond the ruined hovel, beyond the symbolic row of stakes. All this was in the gloom, while we down there were yet in the sunshine, and the stretch of the river abreast of the clearing glittered in a still and dazzling splendour, with a murky and overshadowed bend above and below. Not a living soul was seen on the shore. The bushes did not rustle.
“His voice faded into the peacefulness of the evening. The long shadows of the forest had crept downhill as we talked, moving far beyond the dilapidated hut, past the symbolic row of stakes. All of this was in the darkness, while we down there were still in the sunlight, and the stretch of the river next to the clearing sparkled in a quiet and brilliant splendor, with a dark and overshadowed bend above and below. Not a single person was seen on the shore. The bushes were quiet.”
“Suddenly round the corner of the house a group of men appeared, as though they had come up from the ground. They waded waist-deep in the grass, in a compact body, bearing an improvised stretcher in their midst. Instantly, in the emptiness of the landscape, a cry arose whose shrillness pierced the still air like a sharp arrow flying straight to the very heart of the land; and, as if by enchantment, streams of human beings—of naked human beings—with spears in their hands, with bows, with shields, with wild glances and savage movements, were poured into the clearing by the dark-faced and pensive forest. The bushes shook, the grass swayed for a time, and then everything stood still in attentive immobility.
Suddenly, around the corner of the house, a group of men appeared, almost as if they had emerged from the ground. They waded through the tall grass, a tight cluster, carrying an improvised stretcher among them. In an instant, the silence of the landscape was shattered by a scream that sliced through the still air like a sharp arrow aimed at the heart of the land; and, seemingly by magic, streams of people—of naked individuals—armed with spears, bows, and shields, their eyes wild and movements savage, flooded into the clearing from the dark, brooding forest. The bushes shook, the grass swayed for a moment, and then everything fell silent in a tense stillness.
“‘Now, if he does not say the right thing to them we are all done for,’ said the Russian at my elbow. The knot of men with the stretcher had stopped, too, halfway to the steamer, as if petrified. I saw the man on the stretcher sit up, lank and with an uplifted arm, above the shoulders of the bearers. ‘Let us hope that the man who can talk so well of love in general will find some particular reason to spare us this time,’ I said. I resented bitterly the absurd danger of our situation, as if to be at the mercy of that atrocious phantom had been a dishonouring necessity. I could not hear a sound, but through my glasses I saw the thin arm extended commandingly, the lower jaw moving, the eyes of that apparition shining darkly far in its bony head that nodded with grotesque jerks. Kurtz—Kurtz—that means short in German—don’t it? Well, the name was as true as everything else in his life—and death. He looked at least seven feet long. His covering had fallen off, and his body emerged from it pitiful and appalling as from a winding-sheet. I could see the cage of his ribs all astir, the bones of his arm waving. It was as though an animated image of death carved out of old ivory had been shaking its hand with menaces at a motionless crowd of men made of dark and glittering bronze. I saw him open his mouth wide—it gave him a weirdly voracious aspect, as though he had wanted to swallow all the air, all the earth, all the men before him. A deep voice reached me faintly. He must have been shouting. He fell back suddenly. The stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward again, and almost at the same time I noticed that the crowd of savages was vanishing without any perceptible movement of retreat, as if the forest that had ejected these beings so suddenly had drawn them in again as the breath is drawn in a long aspiration.
“‘Now, if he doesn’t say the right thing to them, we’re all done for,’ said the Russian next to me. The group of men with the stretcher had stopped halfway to the steamer, looking frozen. I saw the man on the stretcher sit up, thin with an outstretched arm above the shoulders of the bearers. ‘Let’s hope the guy who speaks so well about love in general finds a specific reason to spare us this time,’ I said. I felt a deep resentment over the ridiculous danger of our situation, as if being at the mercy of that terrible phantom was an embarrassing necessity. I could not hear anything, but through my binoculars, I saw the thin arm raised in a commanding manner, the lower jaw moving, and the eyes of that apparition gleaming darkly deep in its bony head that nodded with bizarre jerks. Kurtz—Kurtz—that means short in German, right? Well, the name was as fitting as everything else in his life—and death. He looked at least seven feet tall. His covering had fallen away, and his body appeared pitiful and shocking as if emerging from a shroud. I could see the cage of his ribs moving, the bones of his arm flailing. It was like a living image of death carved from old ivory shaking its hand menacingly at a still crowd of men made of dark and shiny bronze. I saw him open his mouth wide—it gave him a strangely greedy look, as if he wanted to swallow all the air, all the earth, all the men in front of him. A deep voice reached me faintly. He must have been shouting. He suddenly fell back. The stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward again, and almost at the same moment, I noticed that the crowd of savages was disappearing without any visible retreat, as if the forest that had expelled these beings so suddenly had drawn them back in like breath inhaled in a long gasp.”
“Some of the pilgrims behind the stretcher carried his arms—two shot-guns, a heavy rifle, and a light revolver-carbine—the thunderbolts of that pitiful Jupiter. The manager bent over him murmuring as he walked beside his head. They laid him down in one of the little cabins—just a room for a bed place and a camp-stool or two, you know. We had brought his belated correspondence, and a lot of torn envelopes and open letters littered his bed. His hand roamed feebly amongst these papers. I was struck by the fire of his eyes and the composed languor of his expression. It was not so much the exhaustion of disease. He did not seem in pain. This shadow looked satiated and calm, as though for the moment it had had its fill of all the emotions.
“Some of the pilgrims behind the stretcher carried his arms—two shotguns, a heavy rifle, and a light revolver-carbine—the thunderbolts of that pitiful Jupiter. The manager leaned over him, murmuring as he walked beside his head. They laid him down in one of the little cabins—just enough room for a bed and a couple of camp stools, you know. We had brought his delayed correspondence, and a lot of torn envelopes and open letters were scattered across his bed. His hand weakly moved among these papers. I was struck by the intensity of his eyes and the serene languor of his expression. It wasn’t just the exhaustion from illness. He didn’t seem to be in pain. This shadow looked satisfied and calm, as if for the moment it had absorbed all the emotions it could handle.”
“He rustled one of the letters, and looking straight in my face said, ‘I am glad.’ Somebody had been writing to him about me. These special recommendations were turning up again. The volume of tone he emitted without effort, almost without the trouble of moving his lips, amazed me. A voice! a voice! It was grave, profound, vibrating, while the man did not seem capable of a whisper. However, he had enough strength in him—factitious no doubt—to very nearly make an end of us, as you shall hear directly.
“He shuffled one of the letters and looked me right in the eye, saying, ‘I’m glad.’ Someone had been telling him about me. Those special recommendations were popping up again. The voice he produced with such ease, almost without even moving his lips, surprised me. It was a voice! A voice! It was deep, resonant, vibrating, even though the man didn’t seem capable of a whisper. Still, he had enough strength in him—artificial for sure—to nearly finish us off, as you’ll hear shortly."
“The manager appeared silently in the doorway; I stepped out at once and he drew the curtain after me. The Russian, eyed curiously by the pilgrims, was staring at the shore. I followed the direction of his glance.
“The manager appeared silently in the doorway; I stepped out immediately and he pulled the curtain closed behind me. The Russian, curiously watched by the pilgrims, was staring at the shore. I followed where he was looking.”
“Dark human shapes could be made out in the distance, flitting indistinctly against the gloomy border of the forest, and near the river two bronze figures, leaning on tall spears, stood in the sunlight under fantastic head-dresses of spotted skins, warlike and still in statuesque repose. And from right to left along the lighted shore moved a wild and gorgeous apparition of a woman.
“Dark human figures could be seen in the distance, moving vaguely against the gloomy edge of the forest, and near the river two bronze statues, leaning on tall spears, stood in the sunlight wearing elaborate headdresses made of spotted skins, fierce yet still like statues. And from right to left along the illuminated shore moved a wild and beautiful vision of a woman.
“She walked with measured steps, draped in striped and fringed cloths, treading the earth proudly, with a slight jingle and flash of barbarous ornaments. She carried her head high; her hair was done in the shape of a helmet; she had brass leggings to the knee, brass wire gauntlets to the elbow, a crimson spot on her tawny cheek, innumerable necklaces of glass beads on her neck; bizarre things, charms, gifts of witch-men, that hung about her, glittered and trembled at every step. She must have had the value of several elephant tusks upon her. She was savage and superb, wild-eyed and magnificent; there was something ominous and stately in her deliberate progress. And in the hush that had fallen suddenly upon the whole sorrowful land, the immense wilderness, the colossal body of the fecund and mysterious life seemed to look at her, pensive, as though it had been looking at the image of its own tenebrous and passionate soul.
She walked with steady steps, wrapped in striped and fringed fabrics, confidently stepping on the ground with a slight jingle and glint of fierce ornaments. She held her head high; her hair was styled like a helmet; she had brass leggings up to her knees, brass wire arm guards to her elbows, a red mark on her tawny cheek, and countless necklaces of glass beads around her neck; strange items, charms, gifts from sorcerers, that hung on her, sparkled and swayed with every step. She must have been wearing the equivalent value of several elephant tusks. She was fierce and stunning, wild-eyed and magnificent; there was something foreboding and regal in her purposeful stride. And in the sudden silence that had fallen over the entire sorrowful land, the vast wilderness, the enormous presence of the rich and mysterious life seemed to gaze at her, contemplatively, as if it were seeing the reflection of its own dark and passionate soul.
“She came abreast of the steamer, stood still, and faced us. Her long shadow fell to the water’s edge. Her face had a tragic and fierce aspect of wild sorrow and of dumb pain mingled with the fear of some struggling, half-shaped resolve. She stood looking at us without a stir, and like the wilderness itself, with an air of brooding over an inscrutable purpose. A whole minute passed, and then she made a step forward. There was a low jingle, a glint of yellow metal, a sway of fringed draperies, and she stopped as if her heart had failed her. The young fellow by my side growled. The pilgrims murmured at my back. She looked at us all as if her life had depended upon the unswerving steadiness of her glance. Suddenly she opened her bared arms and threw them up rigid above her head, as though in an uncontrollable desire to touch the sky, and at the same time the swift shadows darted out on the earth, swept around on the river, gathering the steamer into a shadowy embrace. A formidable silence hung over the scene.
She came up to the steamer, stopped, and faced us. Her long shadow stretched to the edge of the water. Her face had a look of intense sorrow and silent pain mixed with the fear of some uncertain, half-formed determination. She stood there staring at us without moving, like the wilderness itself, as if she were contemplating some mysterious purpose. A whole minute went by, and then she took a step forward. There was a soft jingle, a flash of yellow metal, a sway of fringed fabrics, and she halted as if her heart had given out. The young guy next to me muttered under his breath. The people behind me murmured. She looked at us all as if her life depended on the unwavering steadiness of her gaze. Suddenly, she spread her arms wide and lifted them rigidly above her head, as if she desperately wanted to touch the sky, and at the same time, swift shadows raced across the ground, swirling around the river and enveloping the steamer in a shadowy embrace. A heavy silence hung over the scene.
“She turned away slowly, walked on, following the bank, and passed into the bushes to the left. Once only her eyes gleamed back at us in the dusk of the thickets before she disappeared.
“She turned away slowly, walked on, following the riverbank, and moved into the bushes on the left. Only once did her eyes shine back at us in the dim light of the thickets before she vanished.
“‘If she had offered to come aboard I really think I would have tried to shoot her,’ said the man of patches, nervously. ‘I have been risking my life every day for the last fortnight to keep her out of the house. She got in one day and kicked up a row about those miserable rags I picked up in the storeroom to mend my clothes with. I wasn’t decent. At least it must have been that, for she talked like a fury to Kurtz for an hour, pointing at me now and then. I don’t understand the dialect of this tribe. Luckily for me, I fancy Kurtz felt too ill that day to care, or there would have been mischief. I don’t understand.... No—it’s too much for me. Ah, well, it’s all over now.’
“‘If she had offered to come aboard, I honestly think I would have tried to shoot her,’ the man with patches said nervously. ‘I’ve been risking my life every day for the last two weeks to keep her out of the house. She got in one day and made a fuss about those pathetic rags I picked up in the storeroom to fix my clothes with. I wasn’t decent. At least, it must have been that, because she yelled at Kurtz for an hour, pointing at me now and then. I don’t understand the language of this tribe. Luckily for me, I think Kurtz felt too sick that day to care, or there would have been trouble. I don’t understand... No—it’s too much for me. Oh well, it’s all over now.’”
“At this moment I heard Kurtz’s deep voice behind the curtain: ‘Save me!—save the ivory, you mean. Don’t tell me. Save me! Why, I’ve had to save you. You are interrupting my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not so sick as you would like to believe. Never mind. I’ll carry my ideas out yet—I will return. I’ll show you what can be done. You with your little peddling notions—you are interfering with me. I will return. I....’
“At this moment I heard Kurtz’s deep voice behind the curtain: ‘Save me!—save the ivory, you mean. Don’t tell me. Save me! Why, I’ve had to save you. You are interrupting my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not so sick as you would like to believe. Never mind. I’ll carry my ideas out yet—I will return. I’ll show you what can be done. You with your little peddling notions—you are interfering with me. I will return. I....’”
“The manager came out. He did me the honour to take me under the arm and lead me aside. ‘He is very low, very low,’ he said. He considered it necessary to sigh, but neglected to be consistently sorrowful. ‘We have done all we could for him—haven’t we? But there is no disguising the fact, Mr. Kurtz has done more harm than good to the Company. He did not see the time was not ripe for vigorous action. Cautiously, cautiously—that’s my principle. We must be cautious yet. The district is closed to us for a time. Deplorable! Upon the whole, the trade will suffer. I don’t deny there is a remarkable quantity of ivory—mostly fossil. We must save it, at all events—but look how precarious the position is—and why? Because the method is unsound.’ ‘Do you,’ said I, looking at the shore, ‘call it “unsound method?”’ ‘Without doubt,’ he exclaimed hotly. ‘Don’t you?’... ‘No method at all,’ I murmured after a while. ‘Exactly,’ he exulted. ‘I anticipated this. Shows a complete want of judgment. It is my duty to point it out in the proper quarter.’ ‘Oh,’ said I, ‘that fellow—what’s his name?—the brickmaker, will make a readable report for you.’ He appeared confounded for a moment. It seemed to me I had never breathed an atmosphere so vile, and I turned mentally to Kurtz for relief—positively for relief. ‘Nevertheless I think Mr. Kurtz is a remarkable man,’ I said with emphasis. He started, dropped on me a heavy glance, said very quietly, ‘he was,’ and turned his back on me. My hour of favour was over; I found myself lumped along with Kurtz as a partisan of methods for which the time was not ripe: I was unsound! Ah! but it was something to have at least a choice of nightmares.
The manager came out. He honored me by taking me by the arm and leading me aside. "He is really down, really down," he said. He felt the need to sigh, but didn’t bother to stay consistently mournful. "We’ve done everything we could for him—haven’t we? But we can’t hide the fact that Mr. Kurtz has done more harm than good for the Company. He didn’t realize the timing wasn’t right for bold actions. Cautiously, cautiously—that’s my principle. We need to be cautious still. The district is closed to us for a while. Terrible! Overall, the trade will suffer. I admit there’s a significant amount of ivory—mostly fossil. We must save it, at any cost—but look how unstable the situation is—and why? Because the method is flawed." "Do you," I said, looking at the shore, "call it 'a flawed method?'" "Absolutely," he exclaimed hotly. "Don’t you?" ... "No method at all," I murmured after a moment. "Exactly," he rejoiced. "I suspected this. It shows a complete lack of judgment. It’s my duty to point this out to the right people." "Oh," I said, "that guy—what’s his name?—the brickmaker, will write you a good report." He looked stunned for a moment. It felt like I had never inhaled such a foul atmosphere, and I mentally turned to Kurtz for relief—definitely for relief. "Still, I believe Mr. Kurtz is a remarkable man," I said with emphasis. He flinched, shot me a heavy glance, said very quietly, "he was," and turned away from me. My moment of favor was over; I found myself grouped with Kurtz as a supporter of methods that weren’t timely: I was unsound! Ah! but at least it was something to have a choice of nightmares.
“I had turned to the wilderness really, not to Mr. Kurtz, who, I was ready to admit, was as good as buried. And for a moment it seemed to me as if I also were buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an intolerable weight oppressing my breast, the smell of the damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption, the darkness of an impenetrable night.... The Russian tapped me on the shoulder. I heard him mumbling and stammering something about ‘brother seaman—couldn’t conceal—knowledge of matters that would affect Mr. Kurtz’s reputation.’ I waited. For him evidently Mr. Kurtz was not in his grave; I suspect that for him Mr. Kurtz was one of the immortals. ‘Well!’ said I at last, ‘speak out. As it happens, I am Mr. Kurtz’s friend—in a way.’
“I had turned to the wilderness really, not to Mr. Kurtz, who I was ready to admit was pretty much gone. And for a moment, it felt like I was also buried in a huge grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an unbearable weight on my chest, the smell of damp earth, the hidden presence of overpowering decay, the darkness of an unbreakable night.... The Russian tapped me on the shoulder. I heard him mumbling and stammering something about ‘brother seaman—couldn’t hide—knowledge of things that would affect Mr. Kurtz’s reputation.’ I waited. For him, it was clear that Mr. Kurtz wasn’t in his grave; I suspected that for him, Mr. Kurtz was one of the immortals. ‘Well!’ I finally said, ‘speak up. As it happens, I am Mr. Kurtz’s friend—in a way.’”
“He stated with a good deal of formality that had we not been ‘of the same profession,’ he would have kept the matter to himself without regard to consequences. ‘He suspected there was an active ill-will towards him on the part of these white men that—’ ‘You are right,’ I said, remembering a certain conversation I had overheard. ‘The manager thinks you ought to be hanged.’ He showed a concern at this intelligence which amused me at first. ‘I had better get out of the way quietly,’ he said earnestly. ‘I can do no more for Kurtz now, and they would soon find some excuse. What’s to stop them? There’s a military post three hundred miles from here.’ ‘Well, upon my word,’ said I, ‘perhaps you had better go if you have any friends amongst the savages near by.’ ‘Plenty,’ he said. ‘They are simple people—and I want nothing, you know.’ He stood biting his lip, then: ‘I don’t want any harm to happen to these whites here, but of course I was thinking of Mr. Kurtz’s reputation—but you are a brother seaman and—’ ‘All right,’ said I, after a time. ‘Mr. Kurtz’s reputation is safe with me.’ I did not know how truly I spoke.
“He said quite formally that if we hadn’t been ‘in the same line of work,’ he would have kept the situation to himself without worrying about the consequences. ‘He suspected these white men held a grudge against him that—’ ‘You’re right,’ I replied, recalling a specific conversation I had overheard. ‘The manager thinks you should be hanged.’ He seemed genuinely concerned by this news, which I found amusing at first. ‘I should probably get out of here quietly,’ he said seriously. ‘I can’t do anything more for Kurtz now, and they’d soon find a reason. What’s to stop them? There’s a military post three hundred miles away.’ ‘Well, to be honest,’ I said, ‘maybe you should leave if you have any friends among the nearby tribes.’ ‘Plenty,’ he replied. ‘They’re simple people—and I don’t want anything, you know.’ He stood there biting his lip, then said: ‘I don’t want any harm to come to these white men here, but I was obviously thinking of Mr. Kurtz’s reputation—but you’re a fellow sailor and—’ ‘All right,’ I said after a moment. ‘Mr. Kurtz’s reputation is safe with me.’ I didn’t realize how true that really was.”
“He informed me, lowering his voice, that it was Kurtz who had ordered the attack to be made on the steamer. ‘He hated sometimes the idea of being taken away—and then again.... But I don’t understand these matters. I am a simple man. He thought it would scare you away—that you would give it up, thinking him dead. I could not stop him. Oh, I had an awful time of it this last month.’ ‘Very well,’ I said. ‘He is all right now.’ ‘Ye-e-es,’ he muttered, not very convinced apparently. ‘Thanks,’ said I; ‘I shall keep my eyes open.’ ‘But quiet-eh?’ he urged anxiously. ‘It would be awful for his reputation if anybody here—’ I promised a complete discretion with great gravity. ‘I have a canoe and three black fellows waiting not very far. I am off. Could you give me a few Martini-Henry cartridges?’ I could, and did, with proper secrecy. He helped himself, with a wink at me, to a handful of my tobacco. ‘Between sailors—you know—good English tobacco.’ At the door of the pilot-house he turned round—‘I say, haven’t you a pair of shoes you could spare?’ He raised one leg. ‘Look.’ The soles were tied with knotted strings sandalwise under his bare feet. I rooted out an old pair, at which he looked with admiration before tucking it under his left arm. One of his pockets (bright red) was bulging with cartridges, from the other (dark blue) peeped ‘Towson’s Inquiry,’ etc., etc. He seemed to think himself excellently well equipped for a renewed encounter with the wilderness. ‘Ah! I’ll never, never meet such a man again. You ought to have heard him recite poetry—his own, too, it was, he told me. Poetry!’ He rolled his eyes at the recollection of these delights. ‘Oh, he enlarged my mind!’ ‘Good-bye,’ said I. He shook hands and vanished in the night. Sometimes I ask myself whether I had ever really seen him—whether it was possible to meet such a phenomenon!...
“He told me, lowering his voice, that it was Kurtz who had ordered the attack on the steamer. ‘He sometimes hated the idea of being taken away—and then again.... But I don’t really understand these things. I'm just a simple guy. He thought it would scare you off—that you’d give up, thinking he was dead. I couldn’t stop him. Oh, I had a terrible time this last month.’ ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘He’s fine now.’ ‘Ye-e-es,’ he muttered, not sounding very convinced. ‘Thanks,’ I said; ‘I’ll keep my eyes open.’ ‘But quietly-eh?’ he urged anxiously. ‘It would be terrible for his reputation if anyone here—’ I promised complete discretion with great seriousness. ‘I have a canoe and three guys waiting not far. I’m leaving. Could you give me a few Martini-Henry cartridges?’ I could, and did, discreetly. He helped himself, winking at me, to a handful of my tobacco. ‘Between sailors—you know—good English tobacco.’ At the door of the pilot house, he turned around—‘I say, don’t you have a pair of shoes you could spare?’ He lifted one leg. ‘Look.’ The soles were tied with knotted strings like sandals under his bare feet. I found an old pair, which he looked at with admiration before tucking it under his left arm. One of his pockets (bright red) was bulging with cartridges, while from the other (dark blue) peeked ‘Towson’s Inquiry,’ etc., etc. He seemed to think he was perfectly equipped for another encounter with the wilderness. ‘Ah! I’ll never, ever meet such a man again. You should have heard him recite poetry—his own, too, he told me. Poetry!’ He rolled his eyes at the memory of those joys. ‘Oh, he expanded my mind!’ ‘Goodbye,’ I said. He shook my hand and disappeared into the night. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really saw him—if it was possible to meet such a phenomenon!...
“When I woke up shortly after midnight his warning came to my mind with its hint of danger that seemed, in the starred darkness, real enough to make me get up for the purpose of having a look round. On the hill a big fire burned, illuminating fitfully a crooked corner of the station-house. One of the agents with a picket of a few of our blacks, armed for the purpose, was keeping guard over the ivory; but deep within the forest, red gleams that wavered, that seemed to sink and rise from the ground amongst confused columnar shapes of intense blackness, showed the exact position of the camp where Mr. Kurtz’s adorers were keeping their uneasy vigil. The monotonous beating of a big drum filled the air with muffled shocks and a lingering vibration. A steady droning sound of many men chanting each to himself some weird incantation came out from the black, flat wall of the woods as the humming of bees comes out of a hive, and had a strange narcotic effect upon my half-awake senses. I believe I dozed off leaning over the rail, till an abrupt burst of yells, an overwhelming outbreak of a pent-up and mysterious frenzy, woke me up in a bewildered wonder. It was cut short all at once, and the low droning went on with an effect of audible and soothing silence. I glanced casually into the little cabin. A light was burning within, but Mr. Kurtz was not there.
“When I woke up shortly after midnight, his warning echoed in my mind, carrying a hint of danger that felt real enough in the starry darkness to make me get up and take a look around. On the hill, a big fire burned, flickering light over a crooked corner of the station house. One of the agents, along with a few of our guys armed for the task, was guarding the ivory; but deep in the forest, red glimmers flickered, seeming to rise and fall from the ground among the chaotic, dark shapes, revealing the exact spot of the camp where Mr. Kurtz’s followers were keeping their uneasy watch. The steady pounding of a large drum filled the air with muffled thuds and lingering vibrations. A constant droning sound of many men chanting some weird incantation came from the dense, dark woods like the buzzing of bees from a hive, creating a strange, almost hypnotic effect on my half-awake senses. I think I dozed off, leaning over the rail, until a sudden outburst of yells—a powerful eruption of pent-up and mysterious excitement—jarred me awake in a state of bewildered wonder. It stopped abruptly, and the soft droning continued, creating an effect of palpable and soothing silence. I glanced into the little cabin. A light was on inside, but Mr. Kurtz was not there.
“I think I would have raised an outcry if I had believed my eyes. But I didn’t believe them at first—the thing seemed so impossible. The fact is I was completely unnerved by a sheer blank fright, pure abstract terror, unconnected with any distinct shape of physical danger. What made this emotion so overpowering was—how shall I define it?—the moral shock I received, as if something altogether monstrous, intolerable to thought and odious to the soul, had been thrust upon me unexpectedly. This lasted of course the merest fraction of a second, and then the usual sense of commonplace, deadly danger, the possibility of a sudden onslaught and massacre, or something of the kind, which I saw impending, was positively welcome and composing. It pacified me, in fact, so much that I did not raise an alarm.
“I think I would have shouted if I had trusted what I saw. But I didn’t believe it at first—the thing seemed too unbelievable. The truth is I was totally shaken by a sheer, blank fear, pure terror without any clear source of physical danger. What made this feeling so overwhelming was—how do I put it?—the moral shock I experienced, as if something completely monstrous, unacceptable to reason and repugnant to the soul, had been forced on me out of nowhere. This lasted, of course, just a tiny fraction of a second, and then the usual sense of ordinary, deadly danger, the possibility of a sudden attack and massacre, or something like that, which I feared was about to happen, was actually a relief and calming. It reassured me so much that I didn’t raise an alarm.
“There was an agent buttoned up inside an ulster and sleeping on a chair on deck within three feet of me. The yells had not awakened him; he snored very slightly; I left him to his slumbers and leaped ashore. I did not betray Mr. Kurtz—it was ordered I should never betray him—it was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice. I was anxious to deal with this shadow by myself alone—and to this day I don’t know why I was so jealous of sharing with any one the peculiar blackness of that experience.
“There was an agent bundled up in an ulster, sleeping on a chair on deck just three feet away from me. The shouts hadn’t woken him; he was snoring very softly. I left him to his sleep and jumped ashore. I didn’t betray Mr. Kurtz—it was ordered that I should never betray him—it was written that I should be loyal to the nightmare I chose. I was eager to handle this shadow all by myself—and to this day, I don’t know why I was so protective about sharing the unique darkness of that experience with anyone.”
“As soon as I got on the bank I saw a trail—a broad trail through the grass. I remember the exultation with which I said to myself, ‘He can’t walk—he is crawling on all-fours—I’ve got him.’ The grass was wet with dew. I strode rapidly with clenched fists. I fancy I had some vague notion of falling upon him and giving him a drubbing. I don’t know. I had some imbecile thoughts. The knitting old woman with the cat obtruded herself upon my memory as a most improper person to be sitting at the other end of such an affair. I saw a row of pilgrims squirting lead in the air out of Winchesters held to the hip. I thought I would never get back to the steamer, and imagined myself living alone and unarmed in the woods to an advanced age. Such silly things—you know. And I remember I confounded the beat of the drum with the beating of my heart, and was pleased at its calm regularity.
“As soon as I reached the bank, I noticed a path—a wide one through the grass. I remember the excitement I felt thinking, ‘He can’t walk—he’s crawling on all fours—I’ve got him.’ The grass was wet with dew. I walked quickly with my fists clenched. I think I had some vague idea of jumping on him and giving him a beating. I don’t know. I had some foolish thoughts. The old woman knitting with her cat popped into my mind as a completely inappropriate person to be at the other end of this situation. I saw a line of pilgrims firing guns into the air, holding Winchesters at their hips. I worried that I would never make it back to the steamer, and imagined myself living alone and defenseless in the woods for the rest of my life. Such silly things—you know. And I remember mixing up the sound of the drum with the pounding of my heart, and I was happy about its calm, steady rhythm.
“I kept to the track though—then stopped to listen. The night was very clear; a dark blue space, sparkling with dew and starlight, in which black things stood very still. I thought I could see a kind of motion ahead of me. I was strangely cocksure of everything that night. I actually left the track and ran in a wide semicircle (I verily believe chuckling to myself) so as to get in front of that stir, of that motion I had seen—if indeed I had seen anything. I was circumventing Kurtz as though it had been a boyish game.
"I stayed on the path, then stopped to listen. The night was really clear; a dark blue sky, sparkling with dew and starlight, in which dark shapes stood completely still. I thought I spotted some kind of movement ahead of me. I felt oddly confident about everything that night. I even left the path and ran in a wide semicircle (I honestly think I was chuckling to myself) to get in front of that movement I thought I saw—if I actually saw anything at all. I was going around Kurtz as if it were a childish game."
“I came upon him, and, if he had not heard me coming, I would have fallen over him, too, but he got up in time. He rose, unsteady, long, pale, indistinct, like a vapour exhaled by the earth, and swayed slightly, misty and silent before me; while at my back the fires loomed between the trees, and the murmur of many voices issued from the forest. I had cut him off cleverly; but when actually confronting him I seemed to come to my senses, I saw the danger in its right proportion. It was by no means over yet. Suppose he began to shout? Though he could hardly stand, there was still plenty of vigour in his voice. ‘Go away—hide yourself,’ he said, in that profound tone. It was very awful. I glanced back. We were within thirty yards from the nearest fire. A black figure stood up, strode on long black legs, waving long black arms, across the glow. It had horns—antelope horns, I think—on its head. Some sorcerer, some witch-man, no doubt: it looked fiendlike enough. ‘Do you know what you are doing?’ I whispered. ‘Perfectly,’ he answered, raising his voice for that single word: it sounded to me far off and yet loud, like a hail through a speaking-trumpet. ‘If he makes a row we are lost,’ I thought to myself. This clearly was not a case for fisticuffs, even apart from the very natural aversion I had to beat that Shadow—this wandering and tormented thing. ‘You will be lost,’ I said—‘utterly lost.’ One gets sometimes such a flash of inspiration, you know. I did say the right thing, though indeed he could not have been more irretrievably lost than he was at this very moment, when the foundations of our intimacy were being laid—to endure—to endure—even to the end—even beyond.
“I came across him, and if he hadn’t heard me approaching, I would have tripped over him, but he got up just in time. He stood up, unsteady, tall, pale, and blurry, like a mist rising from the ground, swaying slightly, hazy and silent in front of me; behind me, the fires flickered between the trees, and the sound of many voices drifted from the forest. I had cleverly cornered him; but when I actually faced him, I felt like I was coming to my senses and saw the danger clearly. It was far from over. What if he started shouting? Although he could barely stand, his voice still held a lot of power. ‘Go away—hide yourself,’ he said in that deep tone. It was terrifying. I glanced back. We were just thirty yards away from the nearest fire. A dark figure emerged, striding on long black legs and waving its long black arms across the glow. It had horns—antelope horns, I think—on its head. Some sorcerer, some witch-man, no doubt: it looked monstrous enough. ‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ I whispered. ‘Perfectly,’ he replied, raising his voice for that one word: it sounded distant yet loud, like a hail through a trumpet. ‘If he starts making noise, we’re done for,’ I thought. This clearly wasn’t a situation for a fight, apart from my very natural reluctance to hurt that Shadow—this wandering and tormented soul. ‘You will be lost,’ I said—‘completely lost.’ Sometimes you just have a flash of inspiration, you know? I did say the right thing, even though he couldn’t have been more hopelessly lost than he was at that moment when the foundations of our bond were being laid—to endure—to endure—even to the end—even beyond.
“‘I had immense plans,’ he muttered irresolutely. ‘Yes,’ said I; ‘but if you try to shout I’ll smash your head with—’ There was not a stick or a stone near. ‘I will throttle you for good,’ I corrected myself. ‘I was on the threshold of great things,’ he pleaded, in a voice of longing, with a wistfulness of tone that made my blood run cold. ‘And now for this stupid scoundrel—’ ‘Your success in Europe is assured in any case,’ I affirmed steadily. I did not want to have the throttling of him, you understand—and indeed it would have been very little use for any practical purpose. I tried to break the spell—the heavy, mute spell of the wilderness—that seemed to draw him to its pitiless breast by the awakening of forgotten and brutal instincts, by the memory of gratified and monstrous passions. This alone, I was convinced, had driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush, towards the gleam of fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations; this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds of permitted aspirations. And, don’t you see, the terror of the position was not in being knocked on the head—though I had a very lively sense of that danger, too—but in this, that I had to deal with a being to whom I could not appeal in the name of anything high or low. I had, even like the niggers, to invoke him—himself—his own exalted and incredible degradation. There was nothing either above or below him, and I knew it. He had kicked himself loose of the earth. Confound the man! he had kicked the very earth to pieces. He was alone, and I before him did not know whether I stood on the ground or floated in the air. I’ve been telling you what we said—repeating the phrases we pronounced—but what’s the good? They were common everyday words—the familiar, vague sounds exchanged on every waking day of life. But what of that? They had behind them, to my mind, the terrific suggestiveness of words heard in dreams, of phrases spoken in nightmares. Soul! If anybody ever struggled with a soul, I am the man. And I wasn’t arguing with a lunatic either. Believe me or not, his intelligence was perfectly clear—concentrated, it is true, upon himself with horrible intensity, yet clear; and therein was my only chance—barring, of course, the killing him there and then, which wasn’t so good, on account of unavoidable noise. But his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had looked within itself, and, by heavens! I tell you, it had gone mad. I had—for my sins, I suppose—to go through the ordeal of looking into it myself. No eloquence could have been so withering to one’s belief in mankind as his final burst of sincerity. He struggled with himself, too. I saw it—I heard it. I saw the inconceivable mystery of a soul that knew no restraint, no faith, and no fear, yet struggling blindly with itself. I kept my head pretty well; but when I had him at last stretched on the couch, I wiped my forehead, while my legs shook under me as though I had carried half a ton on my back down that hill. And yet I had only supported him, his bony arm clasped round my neck—and he was not much heavier than a child.
“I had big dreams,” he muttered uncertainly. “Yes,” I replied; “but if you try to shout, I’ll smash your head with—” There wasn’t a stick or stone nearby. “I’ll throttle you for real,” I corrected myself. “I was on the brink of something great,” he pleaded, his voice full of longing, with a wistfulness that made my blood run cold. “And now for this stupid scoundrel—” “Your success in Europe is guaranteed anyway,” I asserted firmly. I didn’t want to choke him, you understand—and honestly, it wouldn’t have been very useful for any practical reason. I tried to break the spell—the heavy, silent spell of the wilderness—that seemed to pull him to its merciless embrace by awakening forgotten and brutal instincts, by the memory of satisfied and monstrous desires. I was convinced this alone had driven him to the edge of the forest, to the bushes, towards the flicker of fires, the beat of drums, the hum of strange incantations; this alone had lured his unlawful soul beyond the limits of accepted ambitions. And, don’t you see, the terror of the situation wasn’t just the risk of being knocked out—although I was very aware of that danger too—but in the fact that I had to deal with someone I couldn’t appeal to in the name of anything noble or lowly. I even, like the natives, had to invoke him—himself—his own elevated and astonishing degradation. There was nothing above or below him, and I knew it. He had broken free from reality. Damn the man! he had shattered the very ground. He was alone, and I faced him not knowing if I stood on solid ground or floated in the air. I’ve been telling you what we said—repeating the phrases we used—but what good is that? They were everyday words—the familiar, vague sounds exchanged in the daily routine of life. But so what? They carried, in my mind, the terrifying weight of words heard in dreams, of phrases spoken in nightmares. Soul! If anyone ever grappled with their soul, it was me. And I wasn’t arguing with a madman either. Believe me or not, his mind was perfectly clear—focused, it’s true, on himself with terrible intensity, yet clear; and therein lay my only chance—unless, of course, I just killed him right then and there, which wasn’t ideal because of the inevitable noise. But his soul was insane. Being alone in the wilderness, it had turned inward, and, by heaven! I tell you, it had gone mad. I had—to pay for my sins, I suppose—to endure the ordeal of looking into it myself. No eloquence could have been more devastating to one’s belief in humanity than his final burst of sincerity. He struggled with himself too. I saw it—I heard it. I witnessed the unimaginable mystery of a soul that knew no limits, no faith, and no fear, yet struggled blindly with itself. I kept my composure pretty well; but when I finally had him stretched out on the couch, I wiped my forehead, my legs shaking as if I had carried half a ton on my back down that hill. Yet, I had only supported him, his thin arm wrapped around my neck—and he was no heavier than a child.
“When next day we left at noon, the crowd, of whose presence behind the curtain of trees I had been acutely conscious all the time, flowed out of the woods again, filled the clearing, covered the slope with a mass of naked, breathing, quivering, bronze bodies. I steamed up a bit, then swung down stream, and two thousand eyes followed the evolutions of the splashing, thumping, fierce river-demon beating the water with its terrible tail and breathing black smoke into the air. In front of the first rank, along the river, three men, plastered with bright red earth from head to foot, strutted to and fro restlessly. When we came abreast again, they faced the river, stamped their feet, nodded their horned heads, swayed their scarlet bodies; they shook towards the fierce river-demon a bunch of black feathers, a mangy skin with a pendent tail—something that looked a dried gourd; they shouted periodically together strings of amazing words that resembled no sounds of human language; and the deep murmurs of the crowd, interrupted suddenly, were like the responses of some satanic litany.
“When we left the next day at noon, the crowd, which I had been acutely aware of behind the curtain of trees, flowed out of the woods again, filled the clearing, and covered the slope with a mass of bare, breathing, quivering, bronze bodies. I gathered some steam, then swung downstream, and two thousand eyes followed the chaotic movements of the splashing, thumping, fierce river-demon as it pounded the water with its terrible tail and breathed black smoke into the air. In front of the first rank, along the river, three men, covered head to toe in bright red earth, strutted back and forth restlessly. When we came even again, they faced the river, stamped their feet, nodded their horned heads, and swayed their scarlet bodies; they shook a bunch of black feathers, a mangy skin with a dangling tail—something that looked like a dried gourd—towards the fierce river-demon; they periodically shouted together a series of astonishing words that resembled no sounds of human language; and the deep murmurs of the crowd, suddenly interrupted, were like the responses of some satanic litany.”
“We had carried Kurtz into the pilot-house: there was more air there. Lying on the couch, he stared through the open shutter. There was an eddy in the mass of human bodies, and the woman with helmeted head and tawny cheeks rushed out to the very brink of the stream. She put out her hands, shouted something, and all that wild mob took up the shout in a roaring chorus of articulated, rapid, breathless utterance.
“We had brought Kurtz into the pilot house: there was more fresh air there. Lying on the couch, he looked through the open shutter. There was a stir in the crowd of people, and the woman with the helmeted head and tanned cheeks rushed to the edge of the river. She extended her hands, shouted something, and the entire wild group echoed her shout in a loud chorus of quick, breathless words.
“‘Do you understand this?’ I asked.
“‘Do you get this?’ I asked.
“He kept on looking out past me with fiery, longing eyes, with a mingled expression of wistfulness and hate. He made no answer, but I saw a smile, a smile of indefinable meaning, appear on his colourless lips that a moment after twitched convulsively. ‘Do I not?’ he said slowly, gasping, as if the words had been torn out of him by a supernatural power.
“He kept gazing past me with intense, yearning eyes, showing a mix of longing and resentment. He didn’t reply, but I noticed a smile—a smile with an unclear meaning—appear on his pale lips, which twitched right after. ‘Do I not?’ he said slowly, struggling to speak, as if the words had been dragged out of him by some otherworldly force."
“I pulled the string of the whistle, and I did this because I saw the pilgrims on deck getting out their rifles with an air of anticipating a jolly lark. At the sudden screech there was a movement of abject terror through that wedged mass of bodies. ‘Don’t! don’t you frighten them away,’ cried some one on deck disconsolately. I pulled the string time after time. They broke and ran, they leaped, they crouched, they swerved, they dodged the flying terror of the sound. The three red chaps had fallen flat, face down on the shore, as though they had been shot dead. Only the barbarous and superb woman did not so much as flinch, and stretched tragically her bare arms after us over the sombre and glittering river.
“I pulled the string of the whistle because I noticed the pilgrims on deck taking out their rifles, clearly expecting a good time. At the sudden screech, a wave of sheer terror swept through that packed group of people. ‘Don’t! Don’t scare them away,’ someone on deck cried out, clearly distressed. I pulled the string repeatedly. They scattered and ran, leaping, crouching, swerving, dodging the terrifying sound. The three red men fell flat on the shore, face down, as if they had been shot. Only the fierce and beautiful woman didn’t flinch at all; she dramatically stretched her bare arms after us over the dark, shimmering river.
“And then that imbecile crowd down on the deck started their little fun, and I could see nothing more for smoke.
“And then that ridiculous crowd on the deck started their little party, and I couldn’t see anything else for the smoke.
“The brown current ran swiftly out of the heart of darkness, bearing us down towards the sea with twice the speed of our upward progress; and Kurtz’s life was running swiftly, too, ebbing, ebbing out of his heart into the sea of inexorable time. The manager was very placid, he had no vital anxieties now, he took us both in with a comprehensive and satisfied glance: the ‘affair’ had come off as well as could be wished. I saw the time approaching when I would be left alone of the party of ‘unsound method.’ The pilgrims looked upon me with disfavour. I was, so to speak, numbered with the dead. It is strange how I accepted this unforeseen partnership, this choice of nightmares forced upon me in the tenebrous land invaded by these mean and greedy phantoms.
The brown river rushed quickly out of the heart of darkness, carrying us toward the sea at twice the speed of our journey upward; and Kurtz’s life was fading fast, draining out of his heart into the sea of relentless time. The manager was very calm; he had no pressing worries now, taking us both in with a satisfied look: the ‘affair’ had gone as well as could be expected. I saw the time coming when I would be the only one left from the party of ‘unsound method.’ The pilgrims viewed me with disapproval. I was, in a sense, one of the dead. It’s odd how I accepted this unexpected partnership, this nightmare forced upon me in the dark land invaded by these mean and greedy phantoms.
“Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It rang deep to the very last. It survived his strength to hide in the magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of his heart. Oh, he struggled! he struggled! The wastes of his weary brain were haunted by shadowy images now—images of wealth and fame revolving obsequiously round his unextinguishable gift of noble and lofty expression. My Intended, my station, my career, my ideas—these were the subjects for the occasional utterances of elevated sentiments. The shade of the original Kurtz frequented the bedside of the hollow sham, whose fate it was to be buried presently in the mould of primeval earth. But both the diabolic love and the unearthly hate of the mysteries it had penetrated fought for the possession of that soul satiated with primitive emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham distinction, of all the appearances of success and power.
“Kurtz spoke. A voice! a voice! It resonated deep to the very end. It outlasted his strength to conceal in the beautiful language the empty darkness of his heart. Oh, he fought! he fought! The vastness of his tired mind was haunted by shadowy images now—images of wealth and fame circling submissively around his unquenchable ability for noble and elevated expression. My Intended, my position, my career, my ideas—these were the topics for his occasional declarations of high-minded sentiments. The spirit of the original Kurtz often visited the bedside of the hollow imitation, whose fate was to soon be buried in the ancient soil. But both the wicked love and the otherworldly hatred of the mysteries it had explored battled for control of that soul filled with primal emotions, hungry for false fame, for empty distinction, for all the facades of success and power.”
“Sometimes he was contemptibly childish. He desired to have kings meet him at railway-stations on his return from some ghastly Nowhere, where he intended to accomplish great things. ‘You show them you have in you something that is really profitable, and then there will be no limits to the recognition of your ability,’ he would say. ‘Of course you must take care of the motives—right motives—always.’ The long reaches that were like one and the same reach, monotonous bends that were exactly alike, slipped past the steamer with their multitude of secular trees looking patiently after this grimy fragment of another world, the forerunner of change, of conquest, of trade, of massacres, of blessings. I looked ahead—piloting. ‘Close the shutter,’ said Kurtz suddenly one day; ‘I can’t bear to look at this.’ I did so. There was a silence. ‘Oh, but I will wring your heart yet!’ he cried at the invisible wilderness.
“Sometimes he acted really immature. He wanted kings to meet him at train stations when he returned from some awful place, where he planned to achieve great things. ‘You have to show them that you have something truly valuable, and then there will be no limit to how much they recognize your talent,’ he would say. ‘Of course, you must be mindful of your motives—always the right motives.’ The long stretches of water that seemed to be one continuous stretch, the monotonous bends that looked exactly the same, passed by the steamer with their countless old trees looking patiently after this dirty piece of another world, the beginning of change, of conquest, of trade, of violence, of blessings. I looked ahead—navigating. ‘Close the window,’ Kurtz suddenly said one day; ‘I can’t stand to see this.’ I did. There was silence. ‘Oh, but I will get to your heart yet!’ he shouted into the unseen wilderness.”
“We broke down—as I had expected—and had to lie up for repairs at the head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz’s confidence. One morning he gave me a packet of papers and a photograph—the lot tied together with a shoe-string. ‘Keep this for me,’ he said. ‘This noxious fool’ (meaning the manager) ‘is capable of prying into my boxes when I am not looking.’ In the afternoon I saw him. He was lying on his back with closed eyes, and I withdrew quietly, but I heard him mutter, ‘Live rightly, die, die...’ I listened. There was nothing more. Was he rehearsing some speech in his sleep, or was it a fragment of a phrase from some newspaper article? He had been writing for the papers and meant to do so again, ‘for the furthering of my ideas. It’s a duty.’
“We broke down—as I had expected—and had to stop for repairs at the head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz’s confidence. One morning, he handed me a packet of papers and a photograph—the whole thing tied together with a shoelace. ‘Keep this for me,’ he said. ‘This noxious fool’ (meaning the manager) ‘is capable of prying into my boxes when I’m not looking.’ In the afternoon, I saw him. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed, and I quietly withdrew, but I heard him mumble, ‘Live rightly, die, die...’ I listened. There was nothing more. Was he rehearsing some speech in his sleep, or was it just a fragment of a phrase from some newspaper article? He had been writing for newspapers and planned to do so again, ‘for the furthering of my ideas. It’s a duty.’
“His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice where the sun never shines. But I had not much time to give him, because I was helping the engine-driver to take to pieces the leaky cylinders, to straighten a bent connecting-rod, and in other such matters. I lived in an infernal mess of rust, filings, nuts, bolts, spanners, hammers, ratchet-drills—things I abominate, because I don’t get on with them. I tended the little forge we fortunately had aboard; I toiled wearily in a wretched scrap-heap—unless I had the shakes too bad to stand.
“His darkness was complete. I looked at him like you would at someone lying at the bottom of a cliff where sunlight never reaches. But I didn’t have much time to spend on him because I was helping the engine driver take apart the leaky cylinders, straighten a bent connecting rod, and handle other tasks. I lived in a hellish mess of rust, metal shavings, nuts, bolts, wrenches, hammers, and ratchet drills—things I despise because I can’t work well with them. I took care of the little forge we were lucky to have on board; I worked exhaustedly in a miserable pile of scrap—unless I was shaking too badly to stand.”
“One evening coming in with a candle I was startled to hear him say a little tremulously, ‘I am lying here in the dark waiting for death.’ The light was within a foot of his eyes. I forced myself to murmur, ‘Oh, nonsense!’ and stood over him as if transfixed.
“One evening, as I came in with a candle, I was startled to hear him say, a little shakily, ‘I’m lying here in the dark, waiting for death.’ The light was just a foot away from his eyes. I forced myself to murmur, ‘Oh, nonsense!’ and stood over him as if frozen.”
“Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have never seen before, and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn’t touched. I was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory face the expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, of craven terror—of an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision—he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath:
“Anything like the change that came over his face, I have never seen before and hope to never see again. Oh, I wasn’t scared. I was captivated. It was as if a curtain had been torn aside. I saw on that pale face the look of deep pride, unstoppable power, cowardly fear—of intense and hopeless despair. Did he relive every detail of desire, temptation, and giving in during that ultimate moment of complete understanding? He whispered at some image, at some vision—he cried out twice, a sound that was barely more than a breath:
“‘The horror! The horror!’
"The horror! The horror!"
“I blew the candle out and left the cabin. The pilgrims were dining in the mess-room, and I took my place opposite the manager, who lifted his eyes to give me a questioning glance, which I successfully ignored. He leaned back, serene, with that peculiar smile of his sealing the unexpressed depths of his meanness. A continuous shower of small flies streamed upon the lamp, upon the cloth, upon our hands and faces. Suddenly the manager’s boy put his insolent black head in the doorway, and said in a tone of scathing contempt:
“I blew out the candle and left the cabin. The pilgrims were eating in the mess room, and I sat down across from the manager, who looked up and gave me a questioning glance, which I completely ignored. He leaned back, calm, with that unique smile of his hiding the unspoken depths of his meanness. A constant stream of small flies buzzed around the lamp, the tablecloth, our hands, and our faces. Suddenly, the manager’s boy stuck his disrespectful black head in the doorway and said in a tone full of scorn:
“‘Mistah Kurtz—he dead.’
“‘Mr. Kurtz—he’s dead.’”
“All the pilgrims rushed out to see. I remained, and went on with my dinner. I believe I was considered brutally callous. However, I did not eat much. There was a lamp in there—light, don’t you know—and outside it was so beastly, beastly dark. I went no more near the remarkable man who had pronounced a judgment upon the adventures of his soul on this earth. The voice was gone. What else had been there? But I am of course aware that next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy hole.
“All the pilgrims rushed out to see. I stayed behind and continued with my dinner. I think I was seen as brutally indifferent. Still, I didn’t eat much. There was a lamp in there—light, you know—and outside it was so unbelievably dark. I didn’t go near the remarkable man who had judged the adventures of his soul on this earth. The voice was gone. What else had been there? But I’m aware that the next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy hole.”
“And then they very nearly buried me.
“And then they almost buried me.
“However, as you see, I did not go to join Kurtz there and then. I did not. I remained to dream the nightmare out to the end, and to show my loyalty to Kurtz once more. Destiny. My destiny! Droll thing life is—that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself—that comes too late—a crop of unextinguishable regrets. I have wrestled with death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable greyness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid scepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary. If such is the form of ultimate wisdom, then life is a greater riddle than some of us think it to be. I was within a hair’s breadth of the last opportunity for pronouncement, and I found with humiliation that probably I would have nothing to say. This is the reason why I affirm that Kurtz was a remarkable man. He had something to say. He said it. Since I had peeped over the edge myself, I understand better the meaning of his stare, that could not see the flame of the candle, but was wide enough to embrace the whole universe, piercing enough to penetrate all the hearts that beat in the darkness. He had summed up—he had judged. ‘The horror!’ He was a remarkable man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of belief; it had candour, it had conviction, it had a vibrating note of revolt in its whisper, it had the appalling face of a glimpsed truth—the strange commingling of desire and hate. And it is not my own extremity I remember best—a vision of greyness without form filled with physical pain, and a careless contempt for the evanescence of all things—even of this pain itself. No! It is his extremity that I seem to have lived through. True, he had made that last stride, he had stepped over the edge, while I had been permitted to draw back my hesitating foot. And perhaps in this is the whole difference; perhaps all the wisdom, and all truth, and all sincerity, are just compressed into that inappreciable moment of time in which we step over the threshold of the invisible. Perhaps! I like to think my summing-up would not have been a word of careless contempt. Better his cry—much better. It was an affirmation, a moral victory paid for by innumerable defeats, by abominable terrors, by abominable satisfactions. But it was a victory! That is why I have remained loyal to Kurtz to the last, and even beyond, when a long time after I heard once more, not his own voice, but the echo of his magnificent eloquence thrown to me from a soul as translucently pure as a cliff of crystal.
“However, as you can see, I didn’t go to join Kurtz right away. I didn’t. I stayed to work through the nightmare to the end and to show my loyalty to Kurtz one more time. Destiny. My destiny! Life is such a strange thing—that mysterious arrangement of cold logic for a pointless purpose. The most you can hope for is some understanding of yourself—which comes too late—a bunch of unshakeable regrets. I’ve wrestled with death. It’s the most boring fight you can imagine. It happens in a blurry grey space, with nothing beneath you, nothing around, without an audience, without noise, without glory, without the strong urge to win, without the intense fear of losing, in a sickly vibe of lukewarm doubt, without much faith in your own righteousness, and even less in your opponent’s. If that’s the essence of ultimate wisdom, then life is a bigger puzzle than some of us think. I was inches away from the last chance to speak, and I found with embarrassment that I probably wouldn’t have anything to say. This is why I insist that Kurtz was an extraordinary man. He had something to say. He said it. Since I’ve looked over the edge myself, I understand his gaze better, one that couldn't see the flicker of the candle but was broad enough to take in the entire universe, sharp enough to reach all the hearts beating in the dark. He had summed up—he had judged. ‘The horror!’ He was an extraordinary man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of belief; it had honesty, it had conviction, it had a resonating note of rebellion in its whisper, it had the terrifying glimpse of a truth—the strange mix of desire and hate. And it’s not my own extreme moment I remember best—a vision of formless grey filled with physical pain and a careless disdain for the fleeting nature of everything—even this pain itself. No! It’s his extremity that I feel like I’ve lived through. True, he had made that final leap, he had crossed the edge while I had been able to pull back my uncertain foot. And maybe that’s the whole difference; perhaps all the wisdom, all truth, and all sincerity are just packed into that tiny moment in time when we step over the threshold of the unseen. Maybe! I like to think my conclusion wouldn’t have been a word of careless contempt. Better his shout—much better. It was an affirmation, a moral victory bought with countless defeats, with terrible fears, with terrible satisfactions. But it was a victory! That’s why I’ve remained loyal to Kurtz until the end, and even beyond, when long after, I heard once more, not his voice, but the echo of his remarkable eloquence reaching me from a soul as clear as a crystal cliff.”
“No, they did not bury me, though there is a period of time which I remember mistily, with a shuddering wonder, like a passage through some inconceivable world that had no hope in it and no desire. I found myself back in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from each other, to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretence, because I felt so sure they could not possibly know the things I knew. Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their business in the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no particular desire to enlighten them, but I had some difficulty in restraining myself from laughing in their faces so full of stupid importance. I daresay I was not very well at that time. I tottered about the streets—there were various affairs to settle—grinning bitterly at perfectly respectable persons. I admit my behaviour was inexcusable, but then my temperature was seldom normal in these days. My dear aunt’s endeavours to ‘nurse up my strength’ seemed altogether beside the mark. It was not my strength that wanted nursing, it was my imagination that wanted soothing. I kept the bundle of papers given me by Kurtz, not knowing exactly what to do with it. His mother had died lately, watched over, as I was told, by his Intended. A clean-shaved man, with an official manner and wearing gold-rimmed spectacles, called on me one day and made inquiries, at first circuitous, afterwards suavely pressing, about what he was pleased to denominate certain ‘documents.’ I was not surprised, because I had had two rows with the manager on the subject out there. I had refused to give up the smallest scrap out of that package, and I took the same attitude with the spectacled man. He became darkly menacing at last, and with much heat argued that the Company had the right to every bit of information about its ‘territories.’ And said he, ‘Mr. Kurtz’s knowledge of unexplored regions must have been necessarily extensive and peculiar—owing to his great abilities and to the deplorable circumstances in which he had been placed: therefore—’ I assured him Mr. Kurtz’s knowledge, however extensive, did not bear upon the problems of commerce or administration. He invoked then the name of science. ‘It would be an incalculable loss if,’ etc., etc. I offered him the report on the ‘Suppression of Savage Customs,’ with the postscriptum torn off. He took it up eagerly, but ended by sniffing at it with an air of contempt. ‘This is not what we had a right to expect,’ he remarked. ‘Expect nothing else,’ I said. ‘There are only private letters.’ He withdrew upon some threat of legal proceedings, and I saw him no more; but another fellow, calling himself Kurtz’s cousin, appeared two days later, and was anxious to hear all the details about his dear relative’s last moments. Incidentally he gave me to understand that Kurtz had been essentially a great musician. ‘There was the making of an immense success,’ said the man, who was an organist, I believe, with lank grey hair flowing over a greasy coat-collar. I had no reason to doubt his statement; and to this day I am unable to say what was Kurtz’s profession, whether he ever had any—which was the greatest of his talents. I had taken him for a painter who wrote for the papers, or else for a journalist who could paint—but even the cousin (who took snuff during the interview) could not tell me what he had been—exactly. He was a universal genius—on that point I agreed with the old chap, who thereupon blew his nose noisily into a large cotton handkerchief and withdrew in senile agitation, bearing off some family letters and memoranda without importance. Ultimately a journalist anxious to know something of the fate of his ‘dear colleague’ turned up. This visitor informed me Kurtz’s proper sphere ought to have been politics ‘on the popular side.’ He had furry straight eyebrows, bristly hair cropped short, an eyeglass on a broad ribbon, and, becoming expansive, confessed his opinion that Kurtz really couldn’t write a bit—‘but heavens! how that man could talk. He electrified large meetings. He had faith—don’t you see?—he had the faith. He could get himself to believe anything—anything. He would have been a splendid leader of an extreme party.’ ‘What party?’ I asked. ‘Any party,’ answered the other. ‘He was an—an—extremist.’ Did I not think so? I assented. Did I know, he asked, with a sudden flash of curiosity, ‘what it was that had induced him to go out there?’ ‘Yes,’ said I, and forthwith handed him the famous Report for publication, if he thought fit. He glanced through it hurriedly, mumbling all the time, judged ‘it would do,’ and took himself off with this plunder.
“No, they didn’t bury me, though there’s a period I remember vaguely, filled with a shuddering wonder, like passing through some incomprehensible world that had no hope or desire. I found myself back in the gloomy city, irritated by the sight of people rushing through the streets to steal a little money from each other, devouring their terrible food, gulping down their unhealthy beer, dreaming their insignificant and silly dreams. They intruded on my thoughts. They were trespassers whose understanding of life was an irritating facade to me because I was sure they couldn’t possibly know the things I knew. Their demeanor, which was just the demeanor of ordinary folks going about their business with absolute confidence, offended me like the ridiculous displays of foolishness in the face of a danger it couldn’t grasp. I didn’t particularly want to enlighten them, but I struggled to keep myself from laughing at their faces, so full of foolish importance. I suppose I wasn’t very well at that time. I stumbled around the streets—there were various matters to settle—bitterly grinning at perfectly respectable people. I admit my behavior was inexcusable, but my temperature was rarely normal back then. My dear aunt’s efforts to ‘nurse up my strength’ seemed completely off the mark. It wasn’t my strength that needed nursing; it was my imagination that needed calming. I kept the bundle of papers given to me by Kurtz, not quite sure what to do with it. His mother had recently passed away, looked after, I was told, by his Intended. One day, a clean-shaven man with an official air and gold-rimmed glasses came to see me and made inquiries, first in a roundabout way, then smoothly pressing, about what he called certain ‘documents.' I wasn’t surprised since I had already had two arguments with the manager about it out there. I had refused to give up even the smallest scrap from that package, and I maintained the same attitude with the spectacled man. He became darkly threatening in the end, arguing heatedly that the Company had the right to every piece of information about its ‘territories.’ He said, ‘Mr. Kurtz’s knowledge of unexplored regions must have been extensive and unique—thanks to his great abilities and the unfortunate circumstances he faced: therefore—’ I assured him that Mr. Kurtz’s knowledge, no matter how extensive, didn’t relate to commerce or administration issues. He then invoked the name of science. ‘It would be an immeasurable loss if,’ etc., etc. I offered him the report on the ‘Suppression of Savage Customs,’ with the postscript torn off. He picked it up eagerly but ended up sniffing at it with disdain. ‘This isn’t what we had a right to expect,’ he remarked. ‘Expect nothing else,’ I replied. ‘There are only private letters.’ He withdrew after making some threat of legal action, and I didn’t see him again; but another guy, claiming to be Kurtz’s cousin, showed up two days later and wanted to know all the details about his dear relative’s last moments. He casually indicated that Kurtz had been a talented musician. ‘There was potential for immense success,’ said the man, who I believe was an organist with long grey hair spilling over a greasy coat collar. I had no reason to doubt him; to this day I can’t say what Kurtz’s profession was, if he even had one—which was the greatest of his talents. I had thought he was a painter who wrote for papers or perhaps a journalist who could paint—but even the cousin (who snuffed during the conversation) couldn’t tell me what he had actually been. He was a universal genius—I agreed with the old man on that, who then noisily blew his nose into a large cotton handkerchief and left in a flurry, taking with him some family letters and unimportant notes. Eventually, a journalist eager to know about the fate of his ‘dear colleague’ appeared. This visitor informed me that Kurtz’s true calling ought to have been politics ‘on the popular side.’ He had bushy eyebrows, bristly short hair, and an eyeglass on a broad ribbon, and, becoming enthusiastic, confessed his belief that Kurtz really couldn’t write at all—‘but my heavens! how that man could talk. He electrified large gatherings. He had faith—don’t you see?—he had the faith. He could convince himself of anything—anything. He would have made a fantastic leader of an extreme party.’ ‘What party?’ I asked. ‘Any party,’ he replied. ‘He was an—an—extremist.’ Did I not agree? I nodded. Did I know, he asked, with a sudden spark of curiosity, ‘what had motivated him to go out there?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, and promptly handed him the famous Report for publication, if he thought it suitable. He quickly skimmed through it, mumbling the whole time, deemed ‘it would do,’ and took off with this loot.
“Thus I was left at last with a slim packet of letters and the girl’s portrait. She struck me as beautiful—I mean she had a beautiful expression. I know that the sunlight can be made to lie, too, yet one felt that no manipulation of light and pose could have conveyed the delicate shade of truthfulness upon those features. She seemed ready to listen without mental reservation, without suspicion, without a thought for herself. I concluded I would go and give her back her portrait and those letters myself. Curiosity? Yes; and also some other feeling perhaps. All that had been Kurtz’s had passed out of my hands: his soul, his body, his station, his plans, his ivory, his career. There remained only his memory and his Intended—and I wanted to give that up, too, to the past, in a way—to surrender personally all that remained of him with me to that oblivion which is the last word of our common fate. I don’t defend myself. I had no clear perception of what it was I really wanted. Perhaps it was an impulse of unconscious loyalty, or the fulfilment of one of those ironic necessities that lurk in the facts of human existence. I don’t know. I can’t tell. But I went.
So, in the end, I was left with a small packet of letters and the girl’s portrait. She seemed beautiful—I mean she had a lovely expression. I know that sunlight can be deceiving, but you could tell that no amount of lighting or posing could capture the subtle truthfulness in her features. She appeared open to listen without any reservations, without suspicion, and without a thought for herself. I decided I would go and return her portrait and those letters myself. Curiosity? Sure; but also maybe some other feeling. Everything that belonged to Kurtz had slipped away from me: his soul, his body, his position, his plans, his ivory, his career. All that was left was his memory and his Intended—and I wanted to release that, too, to the past, in a way—to personally surrender whatever was left of him with me to that oblivion that is the final word of our shared fate. I’m not justifying myself. I didn’t have a clear idea of what I truly wanted. Maybe it was a feeling of unconscious loyalty, or the fulfillment of one of those ironic necessities that hide in the realities of human life. I don’t know. I can’t say. But I went.
“I thought his memory was like the other memories of the dead that accumulate in every man’s life—a vague impress on the brain of shadows that had fallen on it in their swift and final passage; but before the high and ponderous door, between the tall houses of a street as still and decorous as a well-kept alley in a cemetery, I had a vision of him on the stretcher, opening his mouth voraciously, as if to devour all the earth with all its mankind. He lived then before me; he lived as much as he had ever lived—a shadow insatiable of splendid appearances, of frightful realities; a shadow darker than the shadow of the night, and draped nobly in the folds of a gorgeous eloquence. The vision seemed to enter the house with me—the stretcher, the phantom-bearers, the wild crowd of obedient worshippers, the gloom of the forests, the glitter of the reach between the murky bends, the beat of the drum, regular and muffled like the beating of a heart—the heart of a conquering darkness. It was a moment of triumph for the wilderness, an invading and vengeful rush which, it seemed to me, I would have to keep back alone for the salvation of another soul. And the memory of what I had heard him say afar there, with the horned shapes stirring at my back, in the glow of fires, within the patient woods, those broken phrases came back to me, were heard again in their ominous and terrifying simplicity. I remembered his abject pleading, his abject threats, the colossal scale of his vile desires, the meanness, the torment, the tempestuous anguish of his soul. And later on I seemed to see his collected languid manner, when he said one day, ‘This lot of ivory now is really mine. The Company did not pay for it. I collected it myself at a very great personal risk. I am afraid they will try to claim it as theirs though. H’m. It is a difficult case. What do you think I ought to do—resist? Eh? I want no more than justice.’... He wanted no more than justice—no more than justice. I rang the bell before a mahogany door on the first floor, and while I waited he seemed to stare at me out of the glassy panel—stare with that wide and immense stare embracing, condemning, loathing all the universe. I seemed to hear the whispered cry, “The horror! The horror!”
“I thought his memory was like all the other memories of the dead that build up in every person's life—a vague impression in the mind of shadows that had passed swiftly and finally; but before the grand and heavy door, nestled between the tall buildings of a street as quiet and proper as a well-kept cemetery alley, I envisioned him on the stretcher, opening his mouth hungrily, as if to swallow the entire earth and all its people. He was alive before me; he lived as much as he ever had—a shadow endlessly craving splendid appearances, frightful realities; a shadow darker than the night, draped nobly in the fabric of beautiful words. The vision seemed to enter the house with me—the stretcher, the phantom bearers, the frenzied crowd of obedient worshippers, the darkness of the forests, the sparkle of the space between the murky bends, the beat of the drum, steady and muffled like a heartbeat—the heartbeat of a conquering darkness. It felt like a moment of triumph for the wilderness, a violent and vengeful surge that I felt I would have to hold back alone for the sake of another soul. And the memory of what I had heard him say from afar, with the horned shapes stirring behind me, in the glow of the fires, within the patient woods, those fragmented phrases returned to me, echoing again in their ominous and terrifying simplicity. I remembered his desperate pleas, his desperate threats, the grand scale of his vile desires, the pettiness, the torment, the stormy anguish of his soul. And later, I seemed to see his composed yet weary demeanor when he said one day, ‘This load of ivory is truly mine. The Company didn’t pay for it. I collected it myself, risking a lot. I fear they’ll try to claim it as theirs, though. Hmm. It’s a tricky situation. What do you think I should do—resist? Huh? I seek nothing more than justice.’... He sought nothing more than justice—nothing more than justice. I rang the bell before a mahogany door on the first floor, and while I waited, he appeared to stare at me through the glass pane—stare with that wide and immense gaze that embraced, condemned, and loathed the entire universe. I thought I heard the whispered cry, ‘The horror! The horror!’”
“The dusk was falling. I had to wait in a lofty drawing-room with three long windows from floor to ceiling that were like three luminous and bedraped columns. The bent gilt legs and backs of the furniture shone in indistinct curves. The tall marble fireplace had a cold and monumental whiteness. A grand piano stood massively in a corner; with dark gleams on the flat surfaces like a sombre and polished sarcophagus. A high door opened—closed. I rose.
“The evening was settling in. I had to wait in a spacious living room with three tall windows that stretched from floor to ceiling, looking like three glowing, draped columns. The curved, gilded legs and backs of the furniture glimmered faintly. The tall marble fireplace was starkly and impressively white. A grand piano loomed in one corner, its flat surfaces reflecting dark highlights like a somber, polished coffin. A high door opened and then closed. I stood up.”
“She came forward, all in black, with a pale head, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in mourning. It was more than a year since his death, more than a year since the news came; she seemed as though she would remember and mourn forever. She took both my hands in hers and murmured, ‘I had heard you were coming.’ I noticed she was not very young—I mean not girlish. She had a mature capacity for fidelity, for belief, for suffering. The room seemed to have grown darker, as if all the sad light of the cloudy evening had taken refuge on her forehead. This fair hair, this pale visage, this pure brow, seemed surrounded by an ashy halo from which the dark eyes looked out at me. Their glance was guileless, profound, confident, and trustful. She carried her sorrowful head as though she were proud of that sorrow, as though she would say, ‘I—I alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves.’ But while we were still shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came upon her face that I perceived she was one of those creatures that are not the playthings of Time. For her he had died only yesterday. And, by Jove! the impression was so powerful that for me, too, he seemed to have died only yesterday—nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in the same instant of time—his death and her sorrow—I saw her sorrow in the very moment of his death. Do you understand? I saw them together—I heard them together. She had said, with a deep catch of the breath, ‘I have survived’ while my strained ears seemed to hear distinctly, mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the summing up whisper of his eternal condemnation. I asked myself what I was doing there, with a sensation of panic in my heart as though I had blundered into a place of cruel and absurd mysteries not fit for a human being to behold. She motioned me to a chair. We sat down. I laid the packet gently on the little table, and she put her hand over it.... ‘You knew him well,’ she murmured, after a moment of mourning silence.
“She came forward, all in black, with a pale face, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in mourning. It had been over a year since his death, over a year since the news arrived; she seemed like she would remember and mourn forever. She took both my hands in hers and murmured, ‘I heard you were coming.’ I noticed she wasn’t very young—I mean not youthful. She had a mature capacity for loyalty, for belief, for suffering. The room seemed to grow darker, as if all the sad light of the cloudy evening had taken refuge on her forehead. This fair hair, this pale face, this pure brow, seemed surrounded by an ashy halo from which her dark eyes looked out at me. Their gaze was innocent, deep, confident, and trusting. She carried her sorrowful head as though she was proud of that sorrow, as if to say, ‘I—I alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves.’ But while we were still shaking hands, such a look of terrible desolation came over her face that I realized she was one of those people who are not toys of Time. For her, he had died only yesterday. And, by God! the impression was so strong that for me too, he seemed to have died just yesterday—nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in the same instant—his death and her sorrow—I saw her sorrow at the very moment of his death. Do you understand? I saw them together—I heard them together. She had said, with a deep catch of breath, ‘I have survived’ while my strained ears seemed to hear, clearly mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the whisper of his eternal condemnation. I asked myself what I was doing there, feeling panic in my heart as if I had stumbled into a place of cruel and absurd mysteries not fit for humans to witness. She gestured for me to take a seat. We sat down. I gently placed the packet on the little table, and she covered it with her hand.... ‘You knew him well,’ she murmured, after a moment of mourning silence.
“‘Intimacy grows quickly out there,’ I said. ‘I knew him as well as it is possible for one man to know another.’
“‘Intimacy develops fast out there,’ I said. ‘I knew him as well as one man can know another.’”
“‘And you admired him,’ she said. ‘It was impossible to know him and not to admire him. Was it?’
“‘And you admired him,’ she said. ‘It was impossible to know him and not admire him. Wasn’t it?’”
“‘He was a remarkable man,’ I said, unsteadily. Then before the appealing fixity of her gaze, that seemed to watch for more words on my lips, I went on, ‘It was impossible not to—’
“‘He was an amazing guy,’ I said, a bit unsure. Then, under the intense focus of her gaze, which seemed to be waiting for more from me, I continued, ‘It was impossible not to—’”
“‘Love him,’ she finished eagerly, silencing me into an appalled dumbness. ‘How true! how true! But when you think that no one knew him so well as I! I had all his noble confidence. I knew him best.’
“‘Love him,’ she said eagerly, leaving me speechless in shock. ‘How true! How true! But when you consider that no one knew him better than I did! I had all his deep trust. I knew him best.’”
“‘You knew him best,’ I repeated. And perhaps she did. But with every word spoken the room was growing darker, and only her forehead, smooth and white, remained illumined by the inextinguishable light of belief and love.
“‘You knew him best,’ I said again. Maybe she did. But with every word spoken, the room was getting darker, and only her forehead, smooth and pale, remained lit by the unquenchable light of faith and love.
“‘You were his friend,’ she went on. ‘His friend,’ she repeated, a little louder. ‘You must have been, if he had given you this, and sent you to me. I feel I can speak to you—and oh! I must speak. I want you—you who have heard his last words—to know I have been worthy of him.... It is not pride.... Yes! I am proud to know I understood him better than any one on earth—he told me so himself. And since his mother died I have had no one—no one—to—to—’
“You were his friend,” she continued. “His friend,” she said, a bit louder. “You must have been, if he gave you this and sent you to me. I feel like I can talk to you—and oh! I really need to talk. I want you—someone who has heard his last words—to know I’ve been worthy of him… It’s not pride… Yes! I’m proud to know that I understood him better than anyone else on earth—he told me that himself. And since his mom passed away, I’ve had no one—no one—to—to—”
“I listened. The darkness deepened. I was not even sure whether he had given me the right bundle. I rather suspect he wanted me to take care of another batch of his papers which, after his death, I saw the manager examining under the lamp. And the girl talked, easing her pain in the certitude of my sympathy; she talked as thirsty men drink. I had heard that her engagement with Kurtz had been disapproved by her people. He wasn’t rich enough or something. And indeed I don’t know whether he had not been a pauper all his life. He had given me some reason to infer that it was his impatience of comparative poverty that drove him out there.
“I listened. The darkness grew heavier. I wasn’t even sure if he had given me the right bundle. I suspect he wanted me to deal with another set of his papers that the manager was looking over under the lamp after he had died. The girl talked, relieving her pain with my sympathy; she spoke like thirsty men drink. I had heard that her family didn’t approve of her engagement to Kurtz. He wasn’t wealthy enough or something like that. And honestly, I don’t know if he hadn’t been poor his entire life. He had given me some reason to believe that it was his frustration with relative poverty that motivated him to go out there.
“‘... Who was not his friend who had heard him speak once?’ she was saying. ‘He drew men towards him by what was best in them.’ She looked at me with intensity. ‘It is the gift of the great,’ she went on, and the sound of her low voice seemed to have the accompaniment of all the other sounds, full of mystery, desolation, and sorrow, I had ever heard—the ripple of the river, the soughing of the trees swayed by the wind, the murmurs of the crowds, the faint ring of incomprehensible words cried from afar, the whisper of a voice speaking from beyond the threshold of an eternal darkness. ‘But you have heard him! You know!’ she cried.
“‘... Who wasn't his friend after hearing him speak just once?’ she said. ‘He attracted people by the best parts of themselves.’ She looked at me intensely. ‘That’s a gift of the great,’ she continued, and her soft voice seemed to blend with all the other sounds full of mystery, desolation, and sorrow I’d ever heard—the ripple of the river, the rustling of the trees swayed by the wind, the murmurs of the crowds, the distant echoes of incomprehensible words, the whisper of a voice coming from beyond the edge of an eternal darkness. ‘But you’ve heard him! You know!’ she exclaimed.
“‘Yes, I know,’ I said with something like despair in my heart, but bowing my head before the faith that was in her, before that great and saving illusion that shone with an unearthly glow in the darkness, in the triumphant darkness from which I could not have defended her—from which I could not even defend myself.
“‘Yeah, I get it,’ I said with a sense of despair in my heart, but I bowed my head to the faith she had, to that powerful and saving illusion that sparkled with an otherworldly light in the darkness, in the triumphant darkness I couldn’t protect her from—one I couldn’t even protect myself from.”
“‘What a loss to me—to us!’—she corrected herself with beautiful generosity; then added in a murmur, ‘To the world.’ By the last gleams of twilight I could see the glitter of her eyes, full of tears—of tears that would not fall.
“‘What a loss to me—to us!’—she corrected herself with beautiful generosity; then added in a murmur, ‘To the world.’ By the last rays of twilight, I could see the shine of her eyes, filled with tears—tears that wouldn’t fall.”
“‘I have been very happy—very fortunate—very proud,’ she went on. ‘Too fortunate. Too happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for—for life.’
“I’ve been really happy—really lucky—really proud,” she continued. “Too lucky. Too happy for a bit. And now I’m unhappy for—for life.”
“She stood up; her fair hair seemed to catch all the remaining light in a glimmer of gold. I rose, too.
“She stood up; her light hair seemed to capture all the leftover light in a glimmer of gold. I got up, too.”
“‘And of all this,’ she went on mournfully, ‘of all his promise, and of all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart, nothing remains—nothing but a memory. You and I—’
“‘And of all this,’ she continued sadly, ‘of all his potential, and of all his greatness, of his kind nature, of his noble heart, nothing remains—nothing but a memory. You and I—’
“‘We shall always remember him,’ I said hastily.
“We’ll always remember him,” I said quickly.
“‘No!’ she cried. ‘It is impossible that all this should be lost—that such a life should be sacrificed to leave nothing—but sorrow. You know what vast plans he had. I knew of them, too—I could not perhaps understand—but others knew of them. Something must remain. His words, at least, have not died.’
“‘No!’ she shouted. ‘It’s impossible that all this should just disappear—that such a life should be wasted, leaving nothing but grief. You know the big dreams he had. I knew about them too—I might not have completely understood—but others knew them. Something has to remain. At least his words haven’t faded away.’”
“‘His words will remain,’ I said.
“‘His words will remain,’ I said.
“‘And his example,’ she whispered to herself. ‘Men looked up to him—his goodness shone in every act. His example—’
“‘And his example,’ she whispered to herself. ‘Men looked up to him—his goodness shone in every action. His example—’”
“‘True,’ I said; ‘his example, too. Yes, his example. I forgot that.’
“‘True,’ I said; ‘his example, too. Yes, his example. I forgot that.’”
“‘But I do not. I cannot—I cannot believe—not yet. I cannot believe that I shall never see him again, that nobody will see him again, never, never, never.’
“‘But I don’t. I can’t—I can’t believe—not yet. I can’t believe that I will never see him again, that nobody will see him again, never, never, never.’”
“She put out her arms as if after a retreating figure, stretching them back and with clasped pale hands across the fading and narrow sheen of the window. Never see him! I saw him clearly enough then. I shall see this eloquent phantom as long as I live, and I shall see her, too, a tragic and familiar Shade, resembling in this gesture another one, tragic also, and bedecked with powerless charms, stretching bare brown arms over the glitter of the infernal stream, the stream of darkness. She said suddenly very low, ‘He died as he lived.’
“She reached out her arms as if to a vanishing figure, stretching them back with her pale hands clasped over the fading, narrow light from the window. Never see him! I saw him clearly enough then. I will see this expressive ghost for the rest of my life, and I’ll see her too, a tragic and familiar presence, resembling in this gesture another one, also tragic, adorned with powerless charms, extending her bare brown arms over the shimmer of the dark, cursed stream. She suddenly whispered, ‘He died as he lived.’”
“‘His end,’ said I, with dull anger stirring in me, ‘was in every way worthy of his life.’
“‘His end,’ I said, feeling a dull anger rise within me, ‘was in every way deserving of his life.’”
“‘And I was not with him,’ she murmured. My anger subsided before a feeling of infinite pity.
“‘And I wasn’t with him,’ she murmured. My anger faded away, replaced by an overwhelming sense of pity.
“‘Everything that could be done—’ I mumbled.
“‘Everything that could be done—’ I mumbled.
“‘Ah, but I believed in him more than any one on earth—more than his own mother, more than—himself. He needed me! Me! I would have treasured every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance.’
“‘Ah, but I believed in him more than anyone else in the world—more than his own mother, more than—himself. He needed me! Me! I would have cherished every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance.’”
“I felt like a chill grip on my chest. ‘Don’t,’ I said, in a muffled voice.
“I felt a cold grip on my chest. ‘Don’t,’ I said, in a quiet voice.”
“‘Forgive me. I—I have mourned so long in silence—in silence.... You were with him—to the last? I think of his loneliness. Nobody near to understand him as I would have understood. Perhaps no one to hear....’
“‘Forgive me. I—I’ve grieved for so long in silence—in silence.... You were with him until the end? I think about his loneliness. Nobody close by to understand him like I would have. Maybe no one to listen....’”
“‘To the very end,’ I said, shakily. ‘I heard his very last words....’ I stopped in a fright.
“‘To the very end,’ I said, shaking. ‘I heard his last words....’ I stopped in fear.
“‘Repeat them,’ she murmured in a heart-broken tone. ‘I want—I want—something—something—to—to live with.’
“‘Say them again,’ she whispered in a broken voice. ‘I want—I want—something—something—to—to live for.’”
“I was on the point of crying at her, ‘Don’t you hear them?’ The dusk was repeating them in a persistent whisper all around us, in a whisper that seemed to swell menacingly like the first whisper of a rising wind. ‘The horror! The horror!’
“I was about to scream at her, ‘Can’t you hear them?’ The twilight was echoing their words in a constant whisper all around us, a whisper that felt like it was building up threateningly like the first murmur of a growing wind. ‘The horror! The horror!’”
“‘His last word—to live with,’ she insisted. ‘Don’t you understand I loved him—I loved him—I loved him!’
“‘His last word—something to live by,’ she insisted. ‘Don’t you get it? I loved him—I loved him—I loved him!’”
“I pulled myself together and spoke slowly.
“I gathered my thoughts and spoke slowly.
“‘The last word he pronounced was—your name.’
“‘The last word he said was—your name.’”
“I heard a light sigh and then my heart stood still, stopped dead short by an exulting and terrible cry, by the cry of inconceivable triumph and of unspeakable pain. ‘I knew it—I was sure!’... She knew. She was sure. I heard her weeping; she had hidden her face in her hands. It seemed to me that the house would collapse before I could escape, that the heavens would fall upon my head. But nothing happened. The heavens do not fall for such a trifle. Would they have fallen, I wonder, if I had rendered Kurtz that justice which was his due? Hadn’t he said he wanted only justice? But I couldn’t. I could not tell her. It would have been too dark—too dark altogether....”
“I heard a light sigh, and then my heart stopped dead, frozen by a mix of overwhelming triumph and unspeakable pain. ‘I knew it—I was sure!’... She knew. She was sure. I heard her crying; she had buried her face in her hands. I felt like the house would collapse before I could get away, like the sky would fall on me. But nothing happened. The sky doesn't fall for something so trivial. I wonder, would it have fallen if I had given Kurtz the justice he deserved? Didn’t he say he wanted only justice? But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell her. It would have been too dark—too dark all around...”
Marlow ceased, and sat apart, indistinct and silent, in the pose of a meditating Buddha. Nobody moved for a time. “We have lost the first of the ebb,” said the Director suddenly. I raised my head. The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed sombre under an overcast sky—seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.
Marlow stopped talking and sat quietly to the side, looking a bit like a meditating Buddha. Nobody said anything for a while. “We’ve lost the first of the tide,” the Director said out of the blue. I lifted my head. The horizon was blocked by a dark mass of clouds, and the calm waterway stretching to the ends of the earth looked gloomy under the gray sky—it felt like it was leading into a vast darkness.
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