This is a modern-English version of The wisdom of Father Brown, originally written by Chesterton, G. K. (Gilbert Keith).
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THE WISDOM OF FATHER BROWN
By G. K. Chesterton
To
LUCIAN OLDERSHAW
Contents
ONE — The Absence of Mr Glass
THE consulting-rooms of Dr Orion Hood, the eminent criminologist and specialist in certain moral disorders, lay along the sea-front at Scarborough, in a series of very large and well-lighted french windows, which showed the North Sea like one endless outer wall of blue-green marble. In such a place the sea had something of the monotony of a blue-green dado: for the chambers themselves were ruled throughout by a terrible tidiness not unlike the terrible tidiness of the sea. It must not be supposed that Dr Hood’s apartments excluded luxury, or even poetry. These things were there, in their place; but one felt that they were never allowed out of their place. Luxury was there: there stood upon a special table eight or ten boxes of the best cigars; but they were built upon a plan so that the strongest were always nearest the wall and the mildest nearest the window. A tantalus containing three kinds of spirit, all of a liqueur excellence, stood always on this table of luxury; but the fanciful have asserted that the whisky, brandy, and rum seemed always to stand at the same level. Poetry was there: the left-hand corner of the room was lined with as complete a set of English classics as the right hand could show of English and foreign physiologists. But if one took a volume of Chaucer or Shelley from that rank, its absence irritated the mind like a gap in a man’s front teeth. One could not say the books were never read; probably they were, but there was a sense of their being chained to their places, like the Bibles in the old churches. Dr Hood treated his private book-shelf as if it were a public library. And if this strict scientific intangibility steeped even the shelves laden with lyrics and ballads and the tables laden with drink and tobacco, it goes without saying that yet more of such heathen holiness protected the other shelves that held the specialist’s library, and the other tables that sustained the frail and even fairylike instruments of chemistry or mechanics.
The consulting rooms of Dr. Orion Hood, a well-known criminologist and expert in certain moral issues, were located along the seafront at Scarborough, featuring a series of large, well-lit French windows that displayed the North Sea like an endless wall of blue-green marble. In this setting, the sea appeared somewhat monotonous, resembling a blue-green dado; the rooms themselves maintained a strict order that mirrored the sea's own tidiness. However, it would be wrong to think that Dr. Hood's space lacked luxury or even a touch of poetry. These elements were present, neatly organized, but it felt like they were never allowed to stray from their designated spots. Luxury existed: on a special table sat eight or ten boxes of top-notch cigars, arranged so that the strongest were closest to the wall and the mildest nearer to the window. A tantalus holding three types of high-quality spirits was always on this luxurious table, yet some fanciful observers claimed that the whisky, brandy, and rum always appeared to be at the same level. Poetry was there too: the left corner of the room showcased an impressive collection of English classics, while the right side displayed a complete set of English and foreign physiologists. However, if you pulled out a book by Chaucer or Shelley, its absence would feel as uncomfortable as a gap in a person's front teeth. You couldn't say the books were never read; they probably were, but they seemed to be chained to their spots, like the Bibles in old churches. Dr. Hood treated his personal bookshelf like a public library. And if this strict scientific atmosphere permeated even the shelves filled with lyrics and ballads and the tables laden with drinks and tobacco, it’s clear that an even greater sense of that sacred order surrounded the other shelves housing his specialist library and the tables supporting the delicate, almost fairy-like tools of chemistry or mechanics.
Dr Hood paced the length of his string of apartments, bounded—as the boys’ geographies say—on the east by the North Sea and on the west by the serried ranks of his sociological and criminologist library. He was clad in an artist’s velvet, but with none of an artist’s negligence; his hair was heavily shot with grey, but growing thick and healthy; his face was lean, but sanguine and expectant. Everything about him and his room indicated something at once rigid and restless, like that great northern sea by which (on pure principles of hygiene) he had built his home.
Dr. Hood walked back and forth in his row of apartments, bordered—like the school geography books say—on the east by the North Sea and on the west by his collection of sociological and criminology books. He wore a velvet outfit like an artist, but without any of the usual artist's carelessness; his hair was streaked with gray but still thick and healthy; his face was thin but looked hopeful and ready. Everything about him and his room suggested something both strict and restless, like the cold northern sea next to which—purely for hygiene reasons—he had chosen to live.
Fate, being in a funny mood, pushed the door open and introduced into those long, strict, sea-flanked apartments one who was perhaps the most startling opposite of them and their master. In answer to a curt but civil summons, the door opened inwards and there shambled into the room a shapeless little figure, which seemed to find its own hat and umbrella as unmanageable as a mass of luggage. The umbrella was a black and prosaic bundle long past repair; the hat was a broad-curved black hat, clerical but not common in England; the man was the very embodiment of all that is homely and helpless.
Fate, in a playful mood, pushed the door open and brought into those long, formal, sea-side rooms someone who was probably the most shocking contrast to them and their owner. In response to a short but polite call, the door opened inward and in shuffled a shapeless little figure, who seemed to struggle with his hat and umbrella as much as with a mountain of luggage. The umbrella was a worn-out black bundle, well past its prime; the hat was a broad-brimmed black hat, clerical but rare in England; the man was the very picture of homeliness and helplessness.
The doctor regarded the new-comer with a restrained astonishment, not unlike that he would have shown if some huge but obviously harmless sea-beast had crawled into his room. The new-comer regarded the doctor with that beaming but breathless geniality which characterizes a corpulent charwoman who has just managed to stuff herself into an omnibus. It is a rich confusion of social self-congratulation and bodily disarray. His hat tumbled to the carpet, his heavy umbrella slipped between his knees with a thud; he reached after the one and ducked after the other, but with an unimpaired smile on his round face spoke simultaneously as follows:
The doctor looked at the newcomer with a mix of disbelief and surprise, similar to how he might react if a giant but clearly harmless sea creature had wandered into his office. The newcomer looked at the doctor with a bright but slightly breathless friendliness, reminiscent of a chubby housekeeper who has just squeezed herself onto a bus. It was a delightful mess of social pride and physical chaos. His hat fell to the floor, and his heavy umbrella slid between his knees with a thud; he reached for the hat and ducked for the umbrella, but with an unchanged smile on his round face, he simultaneously started to speak:
“My name is Brown. Pray excuse me. I’ve come about that business of the MacNabs. I have heard, you often help people out of such troubles. Pray excuse me if I am wrong.”
“My name is Brown. Please excuse me. I’m here regarding the situation with the MacNabs. I’ve heard that you often assist people in these kinds of issues. I apologize if I’m mistaken.”
By this time he had sprawlingly recovered the hat, and made an odd little bobbing bow over it, as if setting everything quite right.
By this time, he had carelessly retrieved the hat and made a strange little bobbing bow over it, as if he were fixing everything.
“I hardly understand you,” replied the scientist, with a cold intensity of manner. “I fear you have mistaken the chambers. I am Dr Hood, and my work is almost entirely literary and educational. It is true that I have sometimes been consulted by the police in cases of peculiar difficulty and importance, but—”
“I barely understand you,” replied the scientist, with a cold intensity. “I think you have the wrong idea. I’m Dr. Hood, and my work is mostly in literature and education. It’s true that I’ve occasionally been asked for help by the police in particularly challenging and important cases, but—”
“Oh, this is of the greatest importance,” broke in the little man called Brown. “Why, her mother won’t let them get engaged.” And he leaned back in his chair in radiant rationality.
“Oh, this is super important,” interrupted the little guy named Brown. “I mean, her mom won’t let them get engaged.” And he leaned back in his chair, looking pleased with his logic.
The brows of Dr Hood were drawn down darkly, but the eyes under them were bright with something that might be anger or might be amusement. “And still,” he said, “I do not quite understand.”
The eyebrows of Dr. Hood were furrowed deeply, but the eyes beneath them shone with something that could be anger or could be amusement. "And yet," he said, "I still don't quite get it."
“You see, they want to get married,” said the man with the clerical hat. “Maggie MacNab and young Todhunter want to get married. Now, what can be more important than that?”
“You see, they want to get married,” said the man in the clerical hat. “Maggie MacNab and young Todhunter want to tie the knot. Now, what could be more important than that?”
The great Orion Hood’s scientific triumphs had deprived him of many things—some said of his health, others of his God; but they had not wholly despoiled him of his sense of the absurd. At the last plea of the ingenuous priest a chuckle broke out of him from inside, and he threw himself into an arm-chair in an ironical attitude of the consulting physician.
The great Orion Hood’s scientific achievements had cost him many things—some said it was his health, others claimed it was his faith; but they hadn’t completely stripped him of his sense of the absurd. At the final request of the naive priest, a chuckle erupted from within him, and he settled into an armchair in a mocking pose like that of a consulting physician.
“Mr Brown,” he said gravely, “it is quite fourteen and a half years since I was personally asked to test a personal problem: then it was the case of an attempt to poison the French President at a Lord Mayor’s Banquet. It is now, I understand, a question of whether some friend of yours called Maggie is a suitable fiancee for some friend of hers called Todhunter. Well, Mr Brown, I am a sportsman. I will take it on. I will give the MacNab family my best advice, as good as I gave the French Republic and the King of England—no, better: fourteen years better. I have nothing else to do this afternoon. Tell me your story.”
“Mr. Brown,” he said seriously, “it’s been a full fourteen and a half years since I was asked to personally tackle a problem: back then, it was about an attempt to poison the French President during a Lord Mayor’s Banquet. Now, I hear it’s a matter of whether a friend of yours named Maggie is a suitable fiancée for a friend of hers called Todhunter. Well, Mr. Brown, I’m a sportsman. I’ll take it on. I’ll give the MacNab family my best advice, just like I did for the French Republic and the King of England—actually, even better: fourteen years wiser. I have nothing else planned for this afternoon. Please, tell me your story.”
The little clergyman called Brown thanked him with unquestionable warmth, but still with a queer kind of simplicity. It was rather as if he were thanking a stranger in a smoking-room for some trouble in passing the matches, than as if he were (as he was) practically thanking the Curator of Kew Gardens for coming with him into a field to find a four-leaved clover. With scarcely a semi-colon after his hearty thanks, the little man began his recital:
The little clergyman named Brown thanked him with genuine warmth, but there was still an odd kind of simplicity to it. It felt more like he was thanking a stranger in a smoking room for passing the matches than like he was (which he was) practically thanking the Curator of Kew Gardens for joining him in a field to search for a four-leaved clover. Without pausing for even a semi-colon after his sincere thanks, the little man started his story:
“I told you my name was Brown; well, that’s the fact, and I’m the priest of the little Catholic Church I dare say you’ve seen beyond those straggly streets, where the town ends towards the north. In the last and straggliest of those streets which runs along the sea like a sea-wall there is a very honest but rather sharp-tempered member of my flock, a widow called MacNab. She has one daughter, and she lets lodgings, and between her and the daughter, and between her and the lodgers—well, I dare say there is a great deal to be said on both sides. At present she has only one lodger, the young man called Todhunter; but he has given more trouble than all the rest, for he wants to marry the young woman of the house.”
“I told you my name is Brown; well, that's true, and I'm the priest of the small Catholic Church that you’ve probably seen down those messy streets, where the town ends to the north. On the last and messiest of those streets that runs along the sea like a sea-wall, there's a very honest but somewhat bad-tempered member of my congregation, a widow named MacNab. She has one daughter, and she rents out rooms, and between her and her daughter, and between her and the lodgers—well, I bet there’s a lot to discuss on both sides. Right now, she has just one lodger, the young man named Todhunter; but he has caused more trouble than all the others combined, because he wants to marry the daughter of the house.”
“And the young woman of the house,” asked Dr Hood, with huge and silent amusement, “what does she want?”
“And the young woman of the house,” Dr. Hood asked, barely containing his amusement, “what does she want?”
“Why, she wants to marry him,” cried Father Brown, sitting up eagerly. “That is just the awful complication.”
“Why, she wants to marry him,” exclaimed Father Brown, sitting up eagerly. “That’s the real problem.”
“It is indeed a hideous enigma,” said Dr Hood.
“It’s definitely a terrible mystery,” Dr. Hood said.
“This young James Todhunter,” continued the cleric, “is a very decent man so far as I know; but then nobody knows very much. He is a bright, brownish little fellow, agile like a monkey, clean-shaven like an actor, and obliging like a born courtier. He seems to have quite a pocketful of money, but nobody knows what his trade is. Mrs MacNab, therefore (being of a pessimistic turn), is quite sure it is something dreadful, and probably connected with dynamite. The dynamite must be of a shy and noiseless sort, for the poor fellow only shuts himself up for several hours of the day and studies something behind a locked door. He declares his privacy is temporary and justified, and promises to explain before the wedding. That is all that anyone knows for certain, but Mrs MacNab will tell you a great deal more than even she is certain of. You know how the tales grow like grass on such a patch of ignorance as that. There are tales of two voices heard talking in the room; though, when the door is opened, Todhunter is always found alone. There are tales of a mysterious tall man in a silk hat, who once came out of the sea-mists and apparently out of the sea, stepping softly across the sandy fields and through the small back garden at twilight, till he was heard talking to the lodger at his open window. The colloquy seemed to end in a quarrel. Todhunter dashed down his window with violence, and the man in the high hat melted into the sea-fog again. This story is told by the family with the fiercest mystification; but I really think Mrs MacNab prefers her own original tale: that the Other Man (or whatever it is) crawls out every night from the big box in the corner, which is kept locked all day. You see, therefore, how this sealed door of Todhunter’s is treated as the gate of all the fancies and monstrosities of the ‘Thousand and One Nights’. And yet there is the little fellow in his respectable black jacket, as punctual and innocent as a parlour clock. He pays his rent to the tick; he is practically a teetotaller; he is tirelessly kind with the younger children, and can keep them amused for a day on end; and, last and most urgent of all, he has made himself equally popular with the eldest daughter, who is ready to go to church with him tomorrow.”
“This young James Todhunter,” continued the cleric, “is a decent guy from what I can tell; but really, nobody knows much. He’s a bright, slightly tanned little dude, nimble like a monkey, clean-shaven like an actor, and polite like a natural-born diplomat. He seems to have quite a bit of cash, but no one knows what he does for a living. Mrs. MacNab, being a bit pessimistic, is convinced it’s something terrible, probably related to explosives. If there are explosives, they must be discreet and silent, since the poor guy only locks himself away for several hours during the day and studies something behind a closed door. He claims his need for privacy is only temporary and justified, and promises to explain everything before the wedding. That’s about all anyone knows for sure, but Mrs. MacNab will tell you a lot more than even she is sure of. You know how stories grow like weeds in ignorance. There are stories of two voices heard talking in the room; yet, when the door is opened, Todhunter is always found alone. There are tales of a mysterious tall man in a silk hat who once emerged from the sea fog and seemingly from the sea itself, walking quietly across the sandy fields and through the small backyard at twilight, until he was heard talking to the lodger at his open window. The conversation seemed to end in a fight. Todhunter slammed his window shut, and the man in the high hat vanished back into the sea fog. This story is told by the family with intense mystique; but I honestly think Mrs. MacNab prefers her own imaginative version: that the Other Man (or whatever he is) crawls out every night from the big box in the corner, which stays locked all day. You can see how Todhunter’s sealed door is considered the gateway to all sorts of fantasies and horrors from the 'Thousand and One Nights.' Yet, there’s the little guy in his respectable black jacket, as punctual and innocent as a clock in the parlor. He pays his rent on time; he’s practically a teetotaler; he’s endlessly kind to the younger kids and can entertain them for an entire day; and, most importantly, he has made himself popular with the eldest daughter, who is ready to go to church with him tomorrow.”
A man warmly concerned with any large theories has always a relish for applying them to any triviality. The great specialist having condescended to the priest’s simplicity, condescended expansively. He settled himself with comfort in his arm-chair and began to talk in the tone of a somewhat absent-minded lecturer:
A man who genuinely cares about big ideas always enjoys applying them to small matters. The expert, having looked down on the priest's simplicity, did so in a generous way. He comfortably settled into his armchair and began speaking in the manner of a slightly distracted lecturer:
“Even in a minute instance, it is best to look first to the main tendencies of Nature. A particular flower may not be dead in early winter, but the flowers are dying; a particular pebble may never be wetted with the tide, but the tide is coming in. To the scientific eye all human history is a series of collective movements, destructions or migrations, like the massacre of flies in winter or the return of birds in spring. Now the root fact in all history is Race. Race produces religion; Race produces legal and ethical wars. There is no stronger case than that of the wild, unworldly and perishing stock which we commonly call the Celts, of whom your friends the MacNabs are specimens. Small, swarthy, and of this dreamy and drifting blood, they accept easily the superstitious explanation of any incidents, just as they still accept (you will excuse me for saying) that superstitious explanation of all incidents which you and your Church represent. It is not remarkable that such people, with the sea moaning behind them and the Church (excuse me again) droning in front of them, should put fantastic features into what are probably plain events. You, with your small parochial responsibilities, see only this particular Mrs MacNab, terrified with this particular tale of two voices and a tall man out of the sea. But the man with the scientific imagination sees, as it were, the whole clans of MacNab scattered over the whole world, in its ultimate average as uniform as a tribe of birds. He sees thousands of Mrs MacNabs, in thousands of houses, dropping their little drop of morbidity in the tea-cups of their friends; he sees—”
“Even in a tiny example, it’s best to first look at the big trends of Nature. A specific flower might not be dead in early winter, but flowers are dying; a certain pebble might never get wet from the tide, but the tide is coming in. From a scientific perspective, all of human history is a series of collective movements, destructions, or migrations, like the mass die-off of flies in winter or the return of birds in spring. The fundamental truth in all history is Race. Race gives rise to religion; Race leads to legal and ethical conflicts. There’s no clearer example than that of the wild, otherworldly, and fading group we usually call the Celts, of whom your friends the MacNabs are examples. Small, dark-skinned, and from this dreamy and wandering lineage, they easily accept superstitious explanations for events, just as they still accept (forgive me for saying this) that superstitious interpretation of all events that you and your Church represent. It’s not surprising that such people, with the sea howling behind them and the Church (forgive me again) droning in front, would attribute fantastical elements to what are likely ordinary occurrences. You, with your limited local responsibilities, see only this particular Mrs. MacNab, frightened by this particular story of two voices and a tall man from the sea. But the person with scientific imagination sees, in a sense, the entire clans of MacNab spread across the globe, ultimately as uniform as a flock of birds. They envision thousands of Mrs. MacNabs, in thousands of homes, sharing their little bit of melancholy in the tea cups of their friends; they see—”
Before the scientist could conclude his sentence, another and more impatient summons sounded from without; someone with swishing skirts was marshalled hurriedly down the corridor, and the door opened on a young girl, decently dressed but disordered and red-hot with haste. She had sea-blown blonde hair, and would have been entirely beautiful if her cheek-bones had not been, in the Scotch manner, a little high in relief as well as in colour. Her apology was almost as abrupt as a command.
Before the scientist could finish his sentence, another, more impatient call came from outside; someone in swishing skirts hurried down the corridor, and the door opened to reveal a young girl, properly dressed but messy and flushed with urgency. She had wind-blown blonde hair and would have been completely beautiful if her cheekbones hadn't been, in the Scottish manner, a bit pronounced both in definition and in color. Her apology was nearly as abrupt as a command.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you, sir,” she said, “but I had to follow Father Brown at once; it’s nothing less than life or death.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt you, sir,” she said, “but I had to follow Father Brown right away; it’s a matter of life or death.”
Father Brown began to get to his feet in some disorder. “Why, what has happened, Maggie?” he said.
Father Brown started to get up in a bit of a mess. “What’s going on, Maggie?” he asked.
“James has been murdered, for all I can make out,” answered the girl, still breathing hard from her rush. “That man Glass has been with him again; I heard them talking through the door quite plain. Two separate voices: for James speaks low, with a burr, and the other voice was high and quavery.”
“James has been killed, from what I can tell,” the girl replied, still catching her breath from her run. “That guy Glass has been around him again; I heard them talking through the door pretty clearly. Two different voices: James speaks softly, with a rough edge, and the other voice was high and shaky.”
“That man Glass?” repeated the priest in some perplexity.
“That man Glass?” the priest asked, somewhat confused.
“I know his name is Glass,” answered the girl, in great impatience. “I heard it through the door. They were quarrelling—about money, I think—for I heard James say again and again, ‘That’s right, Mr Glass,’ or ‘No, Mr Glass,’ and then, ‘Two or three, Mr Glass.’ But we’re talking too much; you must come at once, and there may be time yet.”
“I know his name is Glass,” the girl replied, clearly frustrated. “I heard it through the door. They were arguing—about money, I think—because I heard James say over and over, ‘That’s right, Mr. Glass,’ or ‘No, Mr. Glass,’ and then, ‘Two or three, Mr. Glass.’ But we’re talking too much; you need to come right away, and there might still be time.”
“But time for what?” asked Dr Hood, who had been studying the young lady with marked interest. “What is there about Mr Glass and his money troubles that should impel such urgency?”
“But time for what?” asked Dr. Hood, who had been watching the young lady with great interest. “What’s so urgent about Mr. Glass and his financial troubles?”
“I tried to break down the door and couldn’t,” answered the girl shortly, “Then I ran to the back-yard, and managed to climb on to the window-sill that looks into the room. It was all dim, and seemed to be empty, but I swear I saw James lying huddled up in a corner, as if he were drugged or strangled.”
“I tried to break down the door but couldn’t,” the girl replied curtly. “Then I ran to the backyard and managed to climb onto the window sill that looks into the room. It was all dim and appeared to be empty, but I swear I saw James lying huddled in a corner, as if he were drugged or strangled.”
“This is very serious,” said Father Brown, gathering his errant hat and umbrella and standing up; “in point of fact I was just putting your case before this gentleman, and his view—”
“This is really serious,” said Father Brown, picking up his misplaced hat and umbrella and getting to his feet; “actually, I was just discussing your situation with this gentleman, and his perspective—”
“Has been largely altered,” said the scientist gravely. “I do not think this young lady is so Celtic as I had supposed. As I have nothing else to do, I will put on my hat and stroll down town with you.”
“Has been largely changed,” the scientist said seriously. “I don’t believe this young lady is as Celtic as I thought. Since I have nothing else going on, I’ll put on my hat and walk downtown with you.”
In a few minutes all three were approaching the dreary tail of the MacNabs’ street: the girl with the stern and breathless stride of the mountaineer, the criminologist with a lounging grace (which was not without a certain leopard-like swiftness), and the priest at an energetic trot entirely devoid of distinction. The aspect of this edge of the town was not entirely without justification for the doctor’s hints about desolate moods and environments. The scattered houses stood farther and farther apart in a broken string along the seashore; the afternoon was closing with a premature and partly lurid twilight; the sea was of an inky purple and murmuring ominously. In the scrappy back garden of the MacNabs which ran down towards the sand, two black, barren-looking trees stood up like demon hands held up in astonishment, and as Mrs MacNab ran down the street to meet them with lean hands similarly spread, and her fierce face in shadow, she was a little like a demon herself. The doctor and the priest made scant reply to her shrill reiterations of her daughter’s story, with more disturbing details of her own, to the divided vows of vengeance against Mr Glass for murdering, and against Mr Todhunter for being murdered, or against the latter for having dared to want to marry her daughter, and for not having lived to do it. They passed through the narrow passage in the front of the house until they came to the lodger’s door at the back, and there Dr Hood, with the trick of an old detective, put his shoulder sharply to the panel and burst in the door.
In a few minutes, all three were making their way towards the gloomy end of the MacNabs' street: the girl moved with the determined and breathless stride of a mountaineer, the criminologist exuded a relaxed grace that had a certain leopard-like quickness, and the priest jogged along energetically without any notable flair. The view at this edge of town certainly supported the doctor's remarks about gloomy feelings and settings. The scattered houses were increasingly spaced apart along the shore; the afternoon was fading into an early, somewhat eerie twilight; the sea was a deep purple, murmuring ominously. In the messy backyard of the MacNabs, which sloped down towards the sand, two black, bare trees stood up like demonic hands raised in shock, and as Mrs. MacNab ran down the street to greet them with her thin hands similarly outstretched, her fierce face partially in shadow, she resembled a bit of a demon herself. The doctor and the priest barely responded to her loud repetition of her daughter’s narrative, along with her own unsettling details, about their conflicted vows for revenge against Mr. Glass for murdering, and against Mr. Todhunter for being murdered, or against the latter for daring to want to marry her daughter, and for not living long enough to do so. They moved through the narrow passage at the front of the house until they reached the lodger’s door at the back, where Dr. Hood, with the instinct of an experienced detective, pressed his shoulder hard against the panel and kicked the door open.
It opened on a scene of silent catastrophe. No one seeing it, even for a flash, could doubt that the room had been the theatre of some thrilling collision between two, or perhaps more, persons. Playing-cards lay littered across the table or fluttered about the floor as if a game had been interrupted. Two wine glasses stood ready for wine on a side-table, but a third lay smashed in a star of crystal upon the carpet. A few feet from it lay what looked like a long knife or short sword, straight, but with an ornamental and pictured handle, its dull blade just caught a grey glint from the dreary window behind, which showed the black trees against the leaden level of the sea. Towards the opposite corner of the room was rolled a gentleman’s silk top hat, as if it had just been knocked off his head; so much so, indeed, that one almost looked to see it still rolling. And in the corner behind it, thrown like a sack of potatoes, but corded like a railway trunk, lay Mr James Todhunter, with a scarf across his mouth, and six or seven ropes knotted round his elbows and ankles. His brown eyes were alive and shifted alertly.
It began with a scene of silent disaster. Anyone who saw it, even just for a moment, would have no doubt that the room had been the site of some intense struggle between two, or maybe more, people. Playing cards were scattered across the table and flew around the floor, as if a game had been suddenly stopped. Two wine glasses were set for wine on a side table, but a third one lay shattered into pieces on the carpet. A few feet away, what looked like a long knife or a short sword rested on the floor, straight but with a decorative and patterned handle; its dull blade caught a grey shimmer from the gloomy window behind it, which framed the black trees against the dull horizon of the sea. In the opposite corner of the room was a gentleman’s silk top hat, as if it had just been knocked off his head; so much so that one might almost expect it to still be rolling. And in the corner behind it, thrown like a sack of potatoes but bound like a railway trunk, lay Mr. James Todhunter, with a scarf across his mouth and six or seven ropes tied around his elbows and ankles. His brown eyes were wide open, moving restlessly.
Dr Orion Hood paused for one instant on the doormat and drank in the whole scene of voiceless violence. Then he stepped swiftly across the carpet, picked up the tall silk hat, and gravely put it upon the head of the yet pinioned Todhunter. It was so much too large for him that it almost slipped down on to his shoulders.
Dr. Orion Hood paused for a moment on the doormat and took in the whole scene of silent chaos. Then he quickly walked across the carpet, picked up the tall silk hat, and seriously placed it on the head of the still restrained Todhunter. It was so large for him that it nearly slid down to his shoulders.
“Mr Glass’s hat,” said the doctor, returning with it and peering into the inside with a pocket lens. “How to explain the absence of Mr Glass and the presence of Mr Glass’s hat? For Mr Glass is not a careless man with his clothes. That hat is of a stylish shape and systematically brushed and burnished, though not very new. An old dandy, I should think.”
“Mr. Glass’s hat,” said the doctor, coming back with it and examining the inside with a pocket lens. “How do we account for Mr. Glass being missing while his hat is here? Mr. Glass isn’t someone who neglects his clothing. That hat has a fashionable shape and is consistently cleaned and polished, even if it isn't brand new. An old dandy, I’d say.”
“But, good heavens!” called out Miss MacNab, “aren’t you going to untie the man first?”
“But, good heavens!” shouted Miss MacNab, “aren’t you going to untie the guy first?”
“I say ‘old’ with intention, though not with certainty” continued the expositor; “my reason for it might seem a little far-fetched. The hair of human beings falls out in very varying degrees, but almost always falls out slightly, and with the lens I should see the tiny hairs in a hat recently worn. It has none, which leads me to guess that Mr Glass is bald. Now when this is taken with the high-pitched and querulous voice which Miss MacNab described so vividly (patience, my dear lady, patience), when we take the hairless head together with the tone common in senile anger, I should think we may deduce some advance in years. Nevertheless, he was probably vigorous, and he was almost certainly tall. I might rely in some degree on the story of his previous appearance at the window, as a tall man in a silk hat, but I think I have more exact indication. This wineglass has been smashed all over the place, but one of its splinters lies on the high bracket beside the mantelpiece. No such fragment could have fallen there if the vessel had been smashed in the hand of a comparatively short man like Mr Todhunter.”
“I use ‘old’ intentionally, though not definitively,” the speaker continued. “My reasoning might seem a bit of a stretch. People lose hair to varying degrees, but it almost always comes out a little at a time, and with the lens, I should be able to see tiny hairs in a hat that was recently worn. There aren’t any, which makes me think Mr. Glass is bald. Now, when you combine this with the high-pitched and whiny voice that Miss MacNab described so vividly (patience, my dear lady, patience), along with the bald head and tone typical of someone who is irritable due to age, I’d say we can infer that he’s definitely older. However, he was probably still fit and almost certainly tall. I can somewhat rely on the account of his previous appearance at the window, as a tall man in a silk hat, but I believe I have a more exact clue. This wineglass has shattered everywhere, but one of its shards is on the high bracket by the mantelpiece. No fragment could have ended up there if the glass had been shattered by a relatively short man like Mr. Todhunter.”
“By the way,” said Father Brown, “might it not be as well to untie Mr Todhunter?”
“By the way,” Father Brown said, “should we untie Mr. Todhunter?”
“Our lesson from the drinking-vessels does not end here,” proceeded the specialist. “I may say at once that it is possible that the man Glass was bald or nervous through dissipation rather than age. Mr Todhunter, as has been remarked, is a quiet thrifty gentleman, essentially an abstainer. These cards and wine-cups are no part of his normal habit; they have been produced for a particular companion. But, as it happens, we may go farther. Mr Todhunter may or may not possess this wine-service, but there is no appearance of his possessing any wine. What, then, were these vessels to contain? I would at once suggest some brandy or whisky, perhaps of a luxurious sort, from a flask in the pocket of Mr Glass. We have thus something like a picture of the man, or at least of the type: tall, elderly, fashionable, but somewhat frayed, certainly fond of play and strong waters, perhaps rather too fond of them. Mr Glass is a gentleman not unknown on the fringes of society.”
“Our lesson from the drinking vessels doesn't end here,” continued the specialist. “I can say right away that it’s possible that Mr. Glass was bald or anxious due to his lifestyle choices instead of age. Mr. Todhunter, as noted, is a quiet, thrifty gentleman, basically a non-drinker. These cards and wine cups aren’t part of his usual routine; they were brought out for a specific guest. However, we can dig deeper. Mr. Todhunter may or may not own this wine service, but it doesn’t look like he has any wine. So, what were these vessels intended for? I would suggest some brandy or whiskey, possibly a fancy type, from a flask in Mr. Glass's pocket. This gives us at least a rough idea of the man, or at least the type: tall, older, stylish, but a bit worn, definitely enjoying games and strong drinks, maybe a little too much. Mr. Glass is a gentleman not entirely unfamiliar with the edges of society.”
“Look here,” cried the young woman, “if you don’t let me pass to untie him I’ll run outside and scream for the police.”
“Listen,” shouted the young woman, “if you don’t let me go and untie him, I’ll run outside and scream for the cops.”
“I should not advise you, Miss MacNab,” said Dr Hood gravely, “to be in any hurry to fetch the police. Father Brown, I seriously ask you to compose your flock, for their sakes, not for mine. Well, we have seen something of the figure and quality of Mr Glass; what are the chief facts known of Mr Todhunter? They are substantially three: that he is economical, that he is more or less wealthy, and that he has a secret. Now, surely it is obvious that there are the three chief marks of the kind of man who is blackmailed. And surely it is equally obvious that the faded finery, the profligate habits, and the shrill irritation of Mr Glass are the unmistakable marks of the kind of man who blackmails him. We have the two typical figures of a tragedy of hush money: on the one hand, the respectable man with a mystery; on the other, the West-end vulture with a scent for a mystery. These two men have met here today and have quarrelled, using blows and a bare weapon.”
“I wouldn’t rush to call the police if I were you, Miss MacNab,” Dr. Hood said seriously. “Father Brown, I strongly urge you to calm your group, for their sake, not mine. Well, we’ve learned a bit about Mr. Glass; what are the main details we know about Mr. Todhunter? There are essentially three: he is economical, he has some wealth, and he has a secret. Now, it’s clear that these are the three main characteristics of someone who could be blackmailed. And it’s just as clear that the faded elegance, the reckless lifestyle, and the loud annoyance of Mr. Glass are unmistakable traits of someone who would blackmail him. We have the two typical characters in a hush money drama: on one side, the respectable man with a secret; on the other, the West-end predator looking for a secret. These two men have come together today and have fought, using fists and a weapon.”
“Are you going to take those ropes off?” asked the girl stubbornly.
“Are you going to take those ropes off?” the girl asked stubbornly.
Dr Hood replaced the silk hat carefully on the side table, and went across to the captive. He studied him intently, even moving him a little and half-turning him round by the shoulders, but he only answered:
Dr. Hood carefully placed the silk hat on the side table and walked over to the captive. He studied him closely, even shifting him a bit and turning him partially by the shoulders, but all he got in response was:
“No; I think these ropes will do very well till your friends the police bring the handcuffs.”
“No, I think these ropes will work just fine until your friends in the police bring the handcuffs.”
Father Brown, who had been looking dully at the carpet, lifted his round face and said: “What do you mean?”
Father Brown, who had been staring blankly at the carpet, lifted his round face and said, “What do you mean?”
The man of science had picked up the peculiar dagger-sword from the carpet and was examining it intently as he answered:
The scientist had picked up the strange dagger-sword from the carpet and was examining it closely as he replied:
“Because you find Mr Todhunter tied up,” he said, “you all jump to the conclusion that Mr Glass had tied him up; and then, I suppose, escaped. There are four objections to this: First, why should a gentleman so dressy as our friend Glass leave his hat behind him, if he left of his own free will? Second,” he continued, moving towards the window, “this is the only exit, and it is locked on the inside. Third, this blade here has a tiny touch of blood at the point, but there is no wound on Mr Todhunter. Mr Glass took that wound away with him, dead or alive. Add to all this primary probability. It is much more likely that the blackmailed person would try to kill his incubus, rather than that the blackmailer would try to kill the goose that lays his golden egg. There, I think, we have a pretty complete story.”
“Because you find Mr. Todhunter tied up,” he said, “you all jump to the conclusion that Mr. Glass tied him up; and then, I guess, escaped. There are four issues with this: First, why would such a stylish guy as our friend Glass leave his hat behind if he walked away willingly? Second,” he continued, moving toward the window, “this is the only exit, and it’s locked from the inside. Third, this blade here has a small trace of blood on the tip, but there’s no injury on Mr. Todhunter. Mr. Glass must have taken that injury with him, whether he’s dead or alive. On top of that, consider the basic likelihood. It’s much more probable that the person being blackmailed would try to kill his tormentor, rather than the blackmailer trying to kill the cash cow. There, I think we have a pretty complete story.”
“But the ropes?” inquired the priest, whose eyes had remained open with a rather vacant admiration.
“But what about the ropes?” asked the priest, whose eyes had stayed open with a somewhat empty admiration.
“Ah, the ropes,” said the expert with a singular intonation. “Miss MacNab very much wanted to know why I did not set Mr Todhunter free from his ropes. Well, I will tell her. I did not do it because Mr Todhunter can set himself free from them at any minute he chooses.”
“Ah, the ropes,” said the expert with a unique tone. “Miss MacNab was really curious why I didn’t set Mr. Todhunter free from his ropes. Well, I’ll explain. I didn’t do it because Mr. Todhunter can free himself from them whenever he wants.”
“What?” cried the audience on quite different notes of astonishment.
“What?” shouted the audience in a variety of surprised tones.
“I have looked at all the knots on Mr Todhunter,” reiterated Hood quietly. “I happen to know something about knots; they are quite a branch of criminal science. Every one of those knots he has made himself and could loosen himself; not one of them would have been made by an enemy really trying to pinion him. The whole of this affair of the ropes is a clever fake, to make us think him the victim of the struggle instead of the wretched Glass, whose corpse may be hidden in the garden or stuffed up the chimney.”
“I’ve examined all the knots on Mr. Todhunter,” Hood said softly. “I know a thing or two about knots; they’re a whole part of criminal science. He tied every one of those knots himself and could easily loosen them. None of them would have been made by an enemy genuinely trying to restrain him. This whole situation with the ropes is just a clever setup to make us believe he’s the victim of a struggle instead of the poor Glass, whose body could be buried in the garden or shoved up the chimney.”
There was a rather depressed silence; the room was darkening, the sea-blighted boughs of the garden trees looked leaner and blacker than ever, yet they seemed to have come nearer to the window. One could almost fancy they were sea-monsters like krakens or cuttlefish, writhing polypi who had crawled up from the sea to see the end of this tragedy, even as he, the villain and victim of it, the terrible man in the tall hat, had once crawled up from the sea. For the whole air was dense with the morbidity of blackmail, which is the most morbid of human things, because it is a crime concealing a crime; a black plaster on a blacker wound.
There was a heavy silence in the air; the room was getting darker, and the sea-damaged branches of the garden trees looked thinner and blacker than ever, yet they seemed to loom closer to the window. One could almost imagine they were sea monsters like krakens or cuttlefish, writhing creatures that had crawled up from the sea to witness the end of this tragedy, just like he, the villain and victim of it all, the terrible man in the tall hat, had once crawled up from the sea. The atmosphere was thick with the darkness of blackmail, which is the most sinister of human acts because it hides one crime behind another; it's like a black bandage over a darker wound.
The face of the little Catholic priest, which was commonly complacent and even comic, had suddenly become knotted with a curious frown. It was not the blank curiosity of his first innocence. It was rather that creative curiosity which comes when a man has the beginnings of an idea. “Say it again, please,” he said in a simple, bothered manner; “do you mean that Todhunter can tie himself up all alone and untie himself all alone?”
The little Catholic priest's face, usually content and even a bit funny, suddenly wrinkled into a strange frown. It wasn't the blank curiosity of someone who knows nothing. It was more the imaginative curiosity that arises when someone is starting to form an idea. "Could you say that again, please?" he asked in a straightforward, confused way. "Are you saying that Todhunter can tie himself up all by himself and untie himself all by himself?"
“That is what I mean,” said the doctor.
"That's what I mean," said the doctor.
“Jerusalem!” ejaculated Brown suddenly, “I wonder if it could possibly be that!”
“Jerusalem!” Brown suddenly exclaimed, “I wonder if it could actually be that!”
He scuttled across the room rather like a rabbit, and peered with quite a new impulsiveness into the partially-covered face of the captive. Then he turned his own rather fatuous face to the company. “Yes, that’s it!” he cried in a certain excitement. “Can’t you see it in the man’s face? Why, look at his eyes!”
He hurried across the room like a rabbit and eagerly looked at the partially-covered face of the captive. Then he turned his own somewhat silly face to the group. “Yes, that’s it!” he exclaimed with excitement. “Can’t you see it in the man’s face? Just look at his eyes!”
Both the Professor and the girl followed the direction of his glance. And though the broad black scarf completely masked the lower half of Todhunter’s visage, they did grow conscious of something struggling and intense about the upper part of it.
Both the Professor and the girl looked in the direction of his gaze. And even though the wide black scarf completely covered the lower half of Todhunter’s face, they became aware of something intense and struggling about the upper part of it.
“His eyes do look queer,” cried the young woman, strongly moved. “You brutes; I believe it’s hurting him!”
“His eyes look strange,” cried the young woman, deeply affected. “You idiots; I think you’re hurting him!”
“Not that, I think,” said Dr Hood; “the eyes have certainly a singular expression. But I should interpret those transverse wrinkles as expressing rather such slight psychological abnormality—”
“Not that, I think,” said Dr. Hood; “the eyes definitely have a unique expression. But I would interpret those horizontal wrinkles as indicating a slight psychological abnormality—”
“Oh, bosh!” cried Father Brown: “can’t you see he’s laughing?”
“Oh, come on!” exclaimed Father Brown. “Can’t you see he’s laughing?”
“Laughing!” repeated the doctor, with a start; “but what on earth can he be laughing at?”
“Laughing!” the doctor exclaimed, surprised. “But what on earth could he be laughing at?”
“Well,” replied the Reverend Brown apologetically, “not to put too fine a point on it, I think he is laughing at you. And indeed, I’m a little inclined to laugh at myself, now I know about it.”
“Well,” replied Reverend Brown, sounding apologetic, “to be straight with you, I think he’s laughing at you. Honestly, I’m a bit tempted to laugh at myself, now that I know about it.”
“Now you know about what?” asked Hood, in some exasperation.
“Now you know what?” asked Hood, feeling a bit frustrated.
“Now I know,” replied the priest, “the profession of Mr Todhunter.”
“Now I know,” said the priest, “what Mr. Todhunter does for a living.”
He shuffled about the room, looking at one object after another with what seemed to be a vacant stare, and then invariably bursting into an equally vacant laugh, a highly irritating process for those who had to watch it. He laughed very much over the hat, still more uproariously over the broken glass, but the blood on the sword point sent him into mortal convulsions of amusement. Then he turned to the fuming specialist.
He moved around the room, glancing at one thing after another with what looked like a blank stare, and then he would always break into a similarly blank laugh, which was really annoying for those who had to watch. He found the hat hilarious, laughed even harder at the broken glass, but the blood on the sword tip made him burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Then he faced the angry specialist.
“Dr Hood,” he cried enthusiastically, “you are a great poet! You have called an uncreated being out of the void. How much more godlike that is than if you had only ferreted out the mere facts! Indeed, the mere facts are rather commonplace and comic by comparison.”
“Dr. Hood,” he exclaimed excitedly, “you’re an amazing poet! You’ve brought an uncreated being out of nothingness. That’s so much more divine than if you had just dug up the simple facts! In fact, the simple facts are pretty ordinary and even funny by comparison.”
“I have no notion what you are talking about,” said Dr Hood rather haughtily; “my facts are all inevitable, though necessarily incomplete. A place may be permitted to intuition, perhaps (or poetry if you prefer the term), but only because the corresponding details cannot as yet be ascertained. In the absence of Mr Glass—”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Dr. Hood said rather arrogantly; “my facts are all undeniable, though understandably incomplete. There might be room for intuition, maybe (or poetry if you prefer that word), but only because the related details can’t be figured out yet. In the absence of Mr. Glass—”
“That’s it, that’s it,” said the little priest, nodding quite eagerly, “that’s the first idea to get fixed; the absence of Mr Glass. He is so extremely absent. I suppose,” he added reflectively, “that there was never anybody so absent as Mr Glass.”
"That's it, that's it," said the little priest, nodding eagerly. "That's the first thing we need to focus on: the absence of Mr. Glass. He is incredibly absent. I guess," he added thoughtfully, "there's never been anyone as absent as Mr. Glass."
“Do you mean he is absent from the town?” demanded the doctor.
“Are you saying he’s not in town?” the doctor asked.
“I mean he is absent from everywhere,” answered Father Brown; “he is absent from the Nature of Things, so to speak.”
“I mean he’s nowhere to be found,” answered Father Brown; “he’s absent from the Nature of Things, so to speak.”
“Do you seriously mean,” said the specialist with a smile, “that there is no such person?”
“Are you really saying,” the specialist said with a smile, “that there isn’t such a person?”
The priest made a sign of assent. “It does seem a pity,” he said.
The priest nodded in agreement. “It really is a shame,” he said.
Orion Hood broke into a contemptuous laugh. “Well,” he said, “before we go on to the hundred and one other evidences, let us take the first proof we found; the first fact we fell over when we fell into this room. If there is no Mr Glass, whose hat is this?”
Orion Hood laughed mockingly. “Well,” he said, “before we dive into the hundred and one other pieces of evidence, let's look at the first proof we found; the first thing we stumbled upon when we came into this room. If there’s no Mr. Glass, whose hat is this?”
“It is Mr Todhunter’s,” replied Father Brown.
“It belongs to Mr. Todhunter,” Father Brown replied.
“But it doesn’t fit him,” cried Hood impatiently. “He couldn’t possibly wear it!”
“But it doesn’t fit him,” Hood exclaimed impatiently. “He couldn’t possibly wear it!”
Father Brown shook his head with ineffable mildness. “I never said he could wear it,” he answered. “I said it was his hat. Or, if you insist on a shade of difference, a hat that is his.”
Father Brown shook his head with an indescribable gentleness. “I never said he could wear it,” he replied. “I said it was his hat. Or, if you want to be a bit more specific, a hat that belongs to him.”
“And what is the shade of difference?” asked the criminologist with a slight sneer.
“And what’s the subtle difference?” asked the criminologist with a slight sneer.
“My good sir,” cried the mild little man, with his first movement akin to impatience, “if you will walk down the street to the nearest hatter’s shop, you will see that there is, in common speech, a difference between a man’s hat and the hats that are his.”
“My good sir,” exclaimed the mild little man, showing the first signs of impatience, “if you walk down the street to the nearest hat shop, you’ll find that, in everyday language, there’s a difference between a man’s hat and the hats that belong to him.”
“But a hatter,” protested Hood, “can get money out of his stock of new hats. What could Todhunter get out of this one old hat?”
“But a hatter,” protested Hood, “can make money from his collection of new hats. What could Todhunter make from this one old hat?”
“Rabbits,” replied Father Brown promptly.
“Rabbits,” Father Brown replied quickly.
“What?” cried Dr Hood.
"What?" exclaimed Dr. Hood.
“Rabbits, ribbons, sweetmeats, goldfish, rolls of coloured paper,” said the reverend gentleman with rapidity. “Didn’t you see it all when you found out the faked ropes? It’s just the same with the sword. Mr Todhunter hasn’t got a scratch on him, as you say; but he’s got a scratch in him, if you follow me.”
“Rabbits, ribbons, candies, goldfish, rolls of colored paper,” said the reverend man quickly. “Didn’t you notice all that when you discovered the fake ropes? It’s exactly the same with the sword. Mr. Todhunter doesn’t have a mark on him, as you said; but he has a problem inside him, if you catch my drift.”
“Do you mean inside Mr Todhunter’s clothes?” inquired Mrs MacNab sternly.
“Are you talking about inside Mr. Todhunter’s clothes?” Mrs. MacNab asked seriously.
“I do not mean inside Mr Todhunter’s clothes,” said Father Brown. “I mean inside Mr Todhunter.”
“I’m not talking about what’s in Mr. Todhunter’s pockets,” Father Brown said. “I’m talking about what’s in Mr. Todhunter himself.”
“Well, what in the name of Bedlam do you mean?”
“Well, what on earth do you mean?”
“Mr Todhunter,” explained Father Brown placidly, “is learning to be a professional conjurer, as well as juggler, ventriloquist, and expert in the rope trick. The conjuring explains the hat. It is without traces of hair, not because it is worn by the prematurely bald Mr Glass, but because it has never been worn by anybody. The juggling explains the three glasses, which Todhunter was teaching himself to throw up and catch in rotation. But, being only at the stage of practice, he smashed one glass against the ceiling. And the juggling also explains the sword, which it was Mr Todhunter’s professional pride and duty to swallow. But, again, being at the stage of practice, he very slightly grazed the inside of his throat with the weapon. Hence he has a wound inside him, which I am sure (from the expression on his face) is not a serious one. He was also practising the trick of a release from ropes, like the Davenport Brothers, and he was just about to free himself when we all burst into the room. The cards, of course, are for card tricks, and they are scattered on the floor because he had just been practising one of those dodges of sending them flying through the air. He merely kept his trade secret, because he had to keep his tricks secret, like any other conjurer. But the mere fact of an idler in a top hat having once looked in at his back window, and been driven away by him with great indignation, was enough to set us all on a wrong track of romance, and make us imagine his whole life overshadowed by the silk-hatted spectre of Mr Glass.”
“Mr. Todhunter,” Father Brown explained calmly, “is training to be a professional magician, as well as a juggler, ventriloquist, and expert at the rope trick. The magic explains the hat. It has no signs of hair, not because it's worn by the prematurely bald Mr. Glass, but because it has never been worn by anyone. The juggling explains the three glasses, which Todhunter was teaching himself to toss and catch in rotation. But since he was only at the practice stage, he smashed one glass against the ceiling. And the juggling also explains the sword, which Mr. Todhunter takes pride in and is supposed to swallow. But, again, as he was just practicing, he barely grazed the inside of his throat with the weapon. So he has a small wound inside him, which I’m sure (from the expression on his face) isn’t serious. He was also practicing the rope escape trick, like the Davenport Brothers, and was just about to free himself when we all walked in. The cards, of course, are for card tricks, and they're scattered on the floor because he had just been practicing one of those tricks that sends them flying through the air. He was simply keeping his trade secret, since magicians have to keep their tricks under wraps, like anyone else. But the fact that a slacker in a top hat once peeked through his back window and was chased away by him in anger was enough to lead us all down a misguided path of romance and make us think his entire life was overshadowed by the silk-hatted specter of Mr. Glass.”
“But what about the two voices?” asked Maggie, staring.
“But what about the two voices?” Maggie asked, staring.
“Have you never heard a ventriloquist?” asked Father Brown. “Don’t you know they speak first in their natural voice, and then answer themselves in just that shrill, squeaky, unnatural voice that you heard?”
“Have you never heard a ventriloquist?” asked Father Brown. “Don’t you know they first speak in their normal voice, and then answer themselves in that high-pitched, squeaky, unnatural voice that you heard?”
There was a long silence, and Dr Hood regarded the little man who had spoken with a dark and attentive smile. “You are certainly a very ingenious person,” he said; “it could not have been done better in a book. But there is just one part of Mr Glass you have not succeeded in explaining away, and that is his name. Miss MacNab distinctly heard him so addressed by Mr Todhunter.”
There was a long silence, and Dr. Hood looked at the little man who had spoken with a thoughtful smile. “You’re definitely a very clever person,” he said. “It couldn't have been done better in a book. But there’s just one thing about Mr. Glass that you haven’t managed to explain away, and that’s his name. Miss MacNab clearly heard Mr. Todhunter call him that.”
The Rev. Mr Brown broke into a rather childish giggle. “Well, that,” he said, “that’s the silliest part of the whole silly story. When our juggling friend here threw up the three glasses in turn, he counted them aloud as he caught them, and also commented aloud when he failed to catch them. What he really said was: ‘One, two and three—missed a glass one, two—missed a glass.’ And so on.”
The Rev. Mr. Brown let out a somewhat childish laugh. “Well, that,” he said, “is the most ridiculous part of the whole ridiculous story. When our juggling friend here tossed up the three glasses one by one, he counted them out loud as he caught them, and also commented out loud when he missed one. What he actually said was: ‘One, two, and three—missed one, two—missed a glass.’ And so on.”
There was a second of stillness in the room, and then everyone with one accord burst out laughing. As they did so the figure in the corner complacently uncoiled all the ropes and let them fall with a flourish. Then, advancing into the middle of the room with a bow, he produced from his pocket a big bill printed in blue and red, which announced that ZALADIN, the World’s Greatest Conjurer, Contortionist, Ventriloquist and Human Kangaroo would be ready with an entirely new series of Tricks at the Empire Pavilion, Scarborough, on Monday next at eight o’clock precisely.
There was a moment of silence in the room, and then everyone suddenly started laughing. As they did, the figure in the corner casually uncoiled all the ropes and let them drop dramatically. Then, stepping into the center of the room with a bow, he took out a large bill printed in blue and red from his pocket, which announced that ZALADIN, the World's Greatest Conjurer, Contortionist, Ventriloquist, and Human Kangaroo, would present a brand new series of tricks at the Empire Pavilion, Scarborough, next Monday at exactly eight o'clock.
TWO. — The Paradise of Thieves
THE great Muscari, most original of the young Tuscan poets, walked swiftly into his favourite restaurant, which overlooked the Mediterranean, was covered by an awning and fenced by little lemon and orange trees. Waiters in white aprons were already laying out on white tables the insignia of an early and elegant lunch; and this seemed to increase a satisfaction that already touched the top of swagger. Muscari had an eagle nose like Dante; his hair and neckerchief were dark and flowing; he carried a black cloak, and might almost have carried a black mask, so much did he bear with him a sort of Venetian melodrama. He acted as if a troubadour had still a definite social office, like a bishop. He went as near as his century permitted to walking the world literally like Don Juan, with rapier and guitar.
The great Muscari, the most unique of the young Tuscan poets, walked quickly into his favorite restaurant, which overlooked the Mediterranean, was covered by an awning, and surrounded by small lemon and orange trees. Waiters in white aprons were already setting up white tables for an early and elegant lunch, and this seemed to boost the satisfaction that already bordered on arrogance. Muscari had a sharp nose like Dante; his hair and neckerchief were dark and flowing; he wore a black cloak and almost seemed to carry a black mask, giving him an air of Venetian melodrama. He acted as if a troubadour still had a clear social role, like a bishop. He approached the world as closely as his time allowed, almost like Don Juan, with a rapier and a guitar.
For he never travelled without a case of swords, with which he had fought many brilliant duels, or without a corresponding case for his mandolin, with which he had actually serenaded Miss Ethel Harrogate, the highly conventional daughter of a Yorkshire banker on a holiday. Yet he was neither a charlatan nor a child; but a hot, logical Latin who liked a certain thing and was it. His poetry was as straightforward as anyone else’s prose. He desired fame or wine or the beauty of women with a torrid directness inconceivable among the cloudy ideals or cloudy compromises of the north; to vaguer races his intensity smelt of danger or even crime. Like fire or the sea, he was too simple to be trusted.
For he never traveled without a case of swords, with which he had fought many impressive duels, or without a matching case for his mandolin, with which he had actually serenaded Miss Ethel Harrogate, the very conventional daughter of a Yorkshire banker on vacation. Yet he was neither a phony nor a child; he was a passionate, logical guy who liked certain things and owned them. His poetry was as clear as anyone else’s prose. He wanted fame, wine, or the beauty of women with a bluntness that was unimaginable among the vague ideals or compromises of the north; to less intense people, his passion smelled of danger or even crime. Like fire or the sea, he was too straightforward to be trusted.
The banker and his beautiful English daughter were staying at the hotel attached to Muscari’s restaurant; that was why it was his favourite restaurant. A glance flashed around the room told him at once, however, that the English party had not descended. The restaurant was glittering, but still comparatively empty. Two priests were talking at a table in a corner, but Muscari (an ardent Catholic) took no more notice of them than of a couple of crows. But from a yet farther seat, partly concealed behind a dwarf tree golden with oranges, there rose and advanced towards the poet a person whose costume was the most aggressively opposite to his own.
The banker and his attractive English daughter were staying at the hotel connected to Muscari’s restaurant, which is why it was his favorite spot. A quick look around the room made it clear that the English group hadn’t arrived yet. The restaurant sparkled but was still relatively empty. Two priests were chatting at a table in the corner, but Muscari (a devoted Catholic) paid them as much attention as he would a couple of crows. However, from a further seat, partially hidden behind a small tree heavy with oranges, a person emerged and walked toward the poet, dressed in a style that was completely opposite to his own.
This figure was clad in tweeds of a piebald check, with a pink tie, a sharp collar and protuberant yellow boots. He contrived, in the true tradition of ‘Arry at Margate, to look at once startling and commonplace. But as the Cockney apparition drew nearer, Muscari was astounded to observe that the head was distinctly different from the body. It was an Italian head: fuzzy, swarthy and very vivacious, that rose abruptly out of the standing collar like cardboard and the comic pink tie. In fact it was a head he knew. He recognized it, above all the dire erection of English holiday array, as the face of an old but forgotten friend name Ezza. This youth had been a prodigy at college, and European fame was promised him when he was barely fifteen; but when he appeared in the world he failed, first publicly as a dramatist and a demagogue, and then privately for years on end as an actor, a traveller, a commission agent or a journalist. Muscari had known him last behind the footlights; he was but too well attuned to the excitements of that profession, and it was believed that some moral calamity had swallowed him up.
This figure was dressed in a piebald check tweed suit, with a pink tie, a sharp collar, and bright yellow boots. He managed, in the classic style of ‘Arry at Margate, to look both shocking and ordinary at the same time. But as the Cockney figure got closer, Muscari was shocked to notice that the head was clearly different from the body. It was an Italian head: fuzzy, dark, and very lively, that popped up suddenly from the standing collar and the silly pink tie. In fact, it was a head he recognized. He identified it, despite the awful display of English holiday fashion, as the face of an old but forgotten friend named Ezza. This guy had been a genius in college, and European fame was predicted for him when he was just fifteen; but when he entered the real world, he failed, first publicly as a playwright and a political leader, and then privately for many years as an actor, traveler, commission agent, or journalist. Muscari had last seen him on stage; he was all too familiar with the thrills of that profession, and it was rumored that some moral disaster had completely consumed him.
“Ezza!” cried the poet, rising and shaking hands in a pleasant astonishment. “Well, I’ve seen you in many costumes in the green room; but I never expected to see you dressed up as an Englishman.”
“Ezza!” exclaimed the poet, getting up and shaking hands with pleasant surprise. “Well, I’ve seen you in many outfits in the green room, but I never expected to see you dressed like an Englishman.”
“This,” answered Ezza gravely, “is not the costume of an Englishman, but of the Italian of the future.”
“This,” Ezza replied seriously, “is not the outfit of an Englishman, but of the Italian of the future.”
“In that case,” remarked Muscari, “I confess I prefer the Italian of the past.”
“In that case,” Muscari said, “I have to admit I prefer the Italian of the past.”
“That is your old mistake, Muscari,” said the man in tweeds, shaking his head; “and the mistake of Italy. In the sixteenth century we Tuscans made the morning: we had the newest steel, the newest carving, the newest chemistry. Why should we not now have the newest factories, the newest motors, the newest finance—the newest clothes?”
“That's your old mistake, Muscari,” said the man in tweeds, shaking his head. “And it's Italy's mistake too. In the sixteenth century, we Tuscans set the standard: we had the best steel, the best carving, the best chemistry. Why shouldn't we have the best factories, the best motors, the best finance—the best clothes now?”
“Because they are not worth having,” answered Muscari. “You cannot make Italians really progressive; they are too intelligent. Men who see the short cut to good living will never go by the new elaborate roads.”
“Because they aren’t worth having,” Muscari replied. “You can’t make Italians truly progressive; they’re too smart. Men who recognize the shortcut to a good life will never take the long, complicated paths.”
“Well, to me Marconi, or D’Annunzio, is the star of Italy” said the other. “That is why I have become a Futurist—and a courier.”
“Well, to me, Marconi or D’Annunzio is the star of Italy,” said the other. “That’s why I’ve become a Futurist—and a messenger.”
“A courier!” cried Muscari, laughing. “Is that the last of your list of trades? And whom are you conducting?”
“A courier!” Muscari exclaimed, laughing. “Is that the final job on your list? And who are you delivering to?”
“Oh, a man of the name of Harrogate, and his family, I believe.”
“Oh, a guy named Harrogate, and his family, I think.”
“Not the banker in this hotel?” inquired the poet, with some eagerness.
“Not the banker in this hotel?” the poet asked, a bit eager.
“That’s the man,” answered the courier.
"That's the guy," replied the courier.
“Does it pay well?” asked the troubadour innocently.
“Does it pay well?” asked the troubadour, sounding curious.
“It will pay me,” said Ezza, with a very enigmatic smile. “But I am a rather curious sort of courier.” Then, as if changing the subject, he said abruptly: “He has a daughter—and a son.”
“It will pay me,” said Ezza, with a very mysterious smile. “But I’m a pretty curious kind of courier.” Then, as if switching topics, he said suddenly: “He has a daughter—and a son.”
“The daughter is divine,” affirmed Muscari, “the father and son are, I suppose, human. But granted his harmless qualities doesn’t that banker strike you as a splendid instance of my argument? Harrogate has millions in his safes, and I have—the hole in my pocket. But you daren’t say—you can’t say—that he’s cleverer than I, or bolder than I, or even more energetic. He’s not clever, he’s got eyes like blue buttons; he’s not energetic, he moves from chair to chair like a paralytic. He’s a conscientious, kindly old blockhead; but he’s got money simply because he collects money, as a boy collects stamps. You’re too strong-minded for business, Ezza. You won’t get on. To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
“The daughter is amazing,” said Muscari, “the father and son are, I guess, just human. But considering his harmless traits, doesn’t that banker seem like a perfect example of my point? Harrogate has millions in his vaults, and I have—the hole in my pocket. But you can’t say—you can’t argue—that he’s smarter than me, or bolder than me, or even more driven. He’s not smart; his eyes are like blue buttons; he’s not driven; he shuffles from chair to chair like someone with a disability. He’s a well-meaning, kind old fool; but he’s got money simply because he hoards it, like a kid collecting stamps. You’re way too strong-minded for business, Ezza. You won’t succeed. To be clever enough to accumulate all that cash, you have to be foolish enough to desire it.”
“I’m stupid enough for that,” said Ezza gloomily. “But I should suggest a suspension of your critique of the banker, for here he comes.”
“I’m dumb enough for that,” said Ezza gloomily. “But I should suggest you hold off on your criticism of the banker, because here he comes.”
Mr Harrogate, the great financier, did indeed enter the room, but nobody looked at him. He was a massive elderly man with a boiled blue eye and faded grey-sandy moustaches; but for his heavy stoop he might have been a colonel. He carried several unopened letters in his hand. His son Frank was a really fine lad, curly-haired, sun-burnt and strenuous; but nobody looked at him either. All eyes, as usual, were riveted, for the moment at least, upon Ethel Harrogate, whose golden Greek head and colour of the dawn seemed set purposely above that sapphire sea, like a goddess’s. The poet Muscari drew a deep breath as if he were drinking something, as indeed he was. He was drinking the Classic; which his fathers made. Ezza studied her with a gaze equally intense and far more baffling.
Mr. Harrogate, the wealthy financier, walked into the room, but no one paid him any attention. He was a large, older man with a watery blue eye and faded sandy-grey mustache; without his heavy hunch, he could have passed for a colonel. He held several unopened letters in his hand. His son Frank was a really great guy, with curly hair, sun-kissed skin, and full of energy; yet no one noticed him either. All eyes, as usual, were focused, at least for a moment, on Ethel Harrogate, whose golden hair and the color of dawn seemed to be placed intentionally above that sapphire sea, like a goddess. The poet Muscari took a deep breath as if he were drinking something, and in fact, he was. He was savoring the classic that his ancestors created. Ezza observed her with a gaze that was equally intense but much more puzzling.
Miss Harrogate was specially radiant and ready for conversation on this occasion; and her family had fallen into the easier Continental habit, allowing the stranger Muscari and even the courier Ezza to share their table and their talk. In Ethel Harrogate conventionality crowned itself with a perfection and splendour of its own. Proud of her father’s prosperity, fond of fashionable pleasures, a fond daughter but an arrant flirt, she was all these things with a sort of golden good-nature that made her very pride pleasing and her worldly respectability a fresh and hearty thing.
Miss Harrogate was particularly radiant and open to conversation on this occasion; her family had adopted the more relaxed Continental custom of allowing the stranger Muscari and even the courier Ezza to join them at their table and in their discussions. In Ethel Harrogate, conventionality reached a level of perfection and splendor all its own. Proud of her father’s success, enjoying trendy pleasures, a loving daughter but a notorious flirt, she embodied all these traits with a kind of golden good-nature that made her pride endearing and her worldly respectability fresh and genuine.
They were in an eddy of excitement about some alleged peril in the mountain path they were to attempt that week. The danger was not from rock and avalanche, but from something yet more romantic. Ethel had been earnestly assured that brigands, the true cut-throats of the modern legend, still haunted that ridge and held that pass of the Apennines.
They were caught up in a whirlwind of excitement over some supposed danger on the mountain trail they were planning to tackle that week. The threat didn’t come from falling rocks or avalanches, but from something even more thrilling. Ethel had been seriously assured that bandits, the real-life villains of today’s stories, still roamed that ridge and controlled that pass in the Apennines.
“They say,” she cried, with the awful relish of a schoolgirl, “that all that country isn’t ruled by the King of Italy, but by the King of Thieves. Who is the King of Thieves?”
“They say,” she exclaimed, with the excited enthusiasm of a schoolgirl, “that all that country isn’t ruled by the King of Italy, but by the King of Thieves. Who is the King of Thieves?”
“A great man,” replied Muscari, “worthy to rank with your own Robin Hood, signorina. Montano, the King of Thieves, was first heard of in the mountains some ten years ago, when people said brigands were extinct. But his wild authority spread with the swiftness of a silent revolution. Men found his fierce proclamations nailed in every mountain village; his sentinels, gun in hand, in every mountain ravine. Six times the Italian Government tried to dislodge him, and was defeated in six pitched battles as if by Napoleon.”
“A great man,” replied Muscari, “worthy to be mentioned alongside your own Robin Hood, signorina. Montano, the King of Thieves, first made his name in the mountains about ten years ago, just when people thought that bandits were no longer around. But his wild influence grew as quickly as a silent revolution. People found his fierce declarations posted in every mountain village; his guards, armed with guns, stationed in every mountain ravine. The Italian Government attempted to remove him six times and faced defeat in all six battles, almost as if against Napoleon.”
“Now that sort of thing,” observed the banker weightily, “would never be allowed in England; perhaps, after all, we had better choose another route. But the courier thought it perfectly safe.”
“Now that kind of thing,” the banker said seriously, “would never be allowed in England; maybe, after all, we should pick a different route. But the courier thought it was perfectly safe.”
“It is perfectly safe,” said the courier contemptuously. “I have been over it twenty times. There may have been some old jailbird called a King in the time of our grandmothers; but he belongs to history if not to fable. Brigandage is utterly stamped out.”
“It’s completely safe,” the courier said with disdain. “I’ve been through it twenty times. There might have been some old criminal called a King back in our grandmothers' day, but he’s a thing of the past, if not just a myth. Banditry is totally eliminated.”
“It can never be utterly stamped out,” Muscari answered; “because armed revolt is a recreation natural to southerners. Our peasants are like their mountains, rich in grace and green gaiety, but with the fires beneath. There is a point of human despair where the northern poor take to drink—and our own poor take to daggers.”
“It can never be completely eliminated,” Muscari replied; “because armed rebellion is a pastime that comes naturally to southerners. Our peasants are like their mountains, full of beauty and vibrant spirit, but with a fire smoldering underneath. There comes a point of human desperation where the northern poor turn to alcohol—and our own poor turn to violence.”
“A poet is privileged,” replied Ezza, with a sneer. “If Signor Muscari were English he would still be looking for highwaymen in Wandsworth. Believe me, there is no more danger of being captured in Italy than of being scalped in Boston.”
“A poet is lucky,” Ezza replied with a sneer. “If Signor Muscari were English, he’d still be searching for highway robbers in Wandsworth. Trust me, there’s no more chance of getting caught in Italy than there is of being scalped in Boston.”
“Then you propose to attempt it?” asked Mr Harrogate, frowning.
“Are you really considering trying it?” Mr. Harrogate asked, frowning.
“Oh, it sounds rather dreadful,” cried the girl, turning her glorious eyes on Muscari. “Do you really think the pass is dangerous?”
“Oh, that sounds pretty awful,” exclaimed the girl, glancing at Muscari with her beautiful eyes. “Do you really think the pass is dangerous?”
Muscari threw back his black mane. “I know it is dangerous:” he said. “I am crossing it tomorrow.”
Muscari tossed his black hair back. “I know it’s risky,” he said. “I’m going to cross it tomorrow.”
The young Harrogate was left behind for a moment emptying a glass of white wine and lighting a cigarette, as the beauty retired with the banker, the courier and the poet, distributing peals of silvery satire. At about the same instant the two priests in the corner rose; the taller, a white-haired Italian, taking his leave. The shorter priest turned and walked towards the banker’s son, and the latter was astonished to realize that though a Roman priest the man was an Englishman. He vaguely remembered meeting him at the social crushes of some of his Catholic friends. But the man spoke before his memories could collect themselves.
The young Harrogate was left for a moment, finishing a glass of white wine and lighting a cigarette, while the beautiful woman walked away with the banker, the courier, and the poet, sharing bursts of sharp humor. At the same time, the two priests in the corner got up; the taller one, an elderly Italian, took his leave. The shorter priest turned and approached the banker’s son, who was surprised to realize that despite being a Roman priest, the man was actually English. He vaguely remembered meeting him at social gatherings with some of his Catholic friends. But the man spoke before Harrogate could fully recall his memories.
“Mr Frank Harrogate, I think,” he said. “I have had an introduction, but I do not mean to presume on it. The odd thing I have to say will come far better from a stranger. Mr Harrogate, I say one word and go: take care of your sister in her great sorrow.”
“Mr. Frank Harrogate, I believe,” he said. “I’ve been introduced, but I don’t want to overstep. The unusual thing I have to say will be better received from a stranger. Mr. Harrogate, I’ll say one thing and then leave: please look after your sister in her deep sadness.”
Even for Frank’s truly fraternal indifference the radiance and derision of his sister still seemed to sparkle and ring; he could hear her laughter still from the garden of the hotel, and he stared at his sombre adviser in puzzledom.
Even with Frank's genuine brotherly indifference, the brightness and teasing from his sister still felt lively and resonant; he could still hear her laughter from the hotel garden, and he looked at his serious adviser in confusion.
“Do you mean the brigands?” he asked; and then, remembering a vague fear of his own, “or can you be thinking of Muscari?”
“Are you talking about the bandits?” he asked; and then, recalling a distant fear of his own, “or could you be thinking of Muscari?”
“One is never thinking of the real sorrow,” said the strange priest. “One can only be kind when it comes.”
"People never really think about true sorrow," said the odd priest. "You can only be kind when it arrives."
And he passed promptly from the room, leaving the other almost with his mouth open.
And he quickly left the room, leaving the other person almost speechless.
A day or two afterwards a coach containing the company was really crawling and staggering up the spurs of the menacing mountain range. Between Ezza’s cheery denial of the danger and Muscari’s boisterous defiance of it, the financial family were firm in their original purpose; and Muscari made his mountain journey coincide with theirs. A more surprising feature was the appearance at the coast-town station of the little priest of the restaurant; he alleged merely that business led him also to cross the mountains of the midland. But young Harrogate could not but connect his presence with the mystical fears and warnings of yesterday.
A day or two later, a coach carrying the group was slowly making its way up the steep slopes of the intimidating mountain range. With Ezza cheerfully dismissing the danger and Muscari boldly challenging it, the financial family remained committed to their original plan; Muscari arranged his mountain trip to align with theirs. An even more surprising detail was the arrival at the coastal town station of the little priest from the restaurant; he simply claimed that work was taking him across the mountains as well. But young Harrogate couldn’t help but link his presence to the mystical fears and warnings from the day before.
The coach was a kind of commodious wagonette, invented by the modernist talent of the courier, who dominated the expedition with his scientific activity and breezy wit. The theory of danger from thieves was banished from thought and speech; though so far conceded in formal act that some slight protection was employed. The courier and the young banker carried loaded revolvers, and Muscari (with much boyish gratification) buckled on a kind of cutlass under his black cloak.
The coach was a spacious wagonette, designed by the modern skills of the courier, who led the expedition with his scientific expertise and lighthearted humor. The idea of danger from thieves was pushed out of mind and conversation; although it was acknowledged enough to warrant some minimal protection. The courier and the young banker carried loaded guns, and Muscari (with a sense of boyish excitement) strapped a kind of cutlass under his black cloak.
He had planted his person at a flying leap next to the lovely Englishwoman; on the other side of her sat the priest, whose name was Brown and who was fortunately a silent individual; the courier and the father and son were on the banc behind. Muscari was in towering spirits, seriously believing in the peril, and his talk to Ethel might well have made her think him a maniac. But there was something in the crazy and gorgeous ascent, amid crags like peaks loaded with woods like orchards, that dragged her spirit up alone with his into purple preposterous heavens with wheeling suns. The white road climbed like a white cat; it spanned sunless chasms like a tight-rope; it was flung round far-off headlands like a lasso.
He had positioned himself in a leap next to the beautiful Englishwoman; on her other side sat the priest, whose name was Brown and who was thankfully quiet; the courier and the father and son were on the bench behind them. Muscari was in high spirits, genuinely believing in the danger, and his conversation with Ethel could have easily made her think he was crazy. But there was something about the wild and stunning ascent, among crags that towered like tree-filled peaks, that lifted her spirit into the bizarre, vibrant skies with swirling suns. The white road climbed like a sleek cat; it spanned shadowy chasms like a tightrope; it curved around distant headlands like a lasso.
And yet, however high they went, the desert still blossomed like the rose. The fields were burnished in sun and wind with the colour of kingfisher and parrot and humming-bird, the hues of a hundred flowering flowers. There are no lovelier meadows and woodlands than the English, no nobler crests or chasms than those of Snowdon and Glencoe. But Ethel Harrogate had never before seen the southern parks tilted on the splintered northern peaks; the gorge of Glencoe laden with the fruits of Kent. There was nothing here of that chill and desolation that in Britain one associates with high and wild scenery. It was rather like a mosaic palace, rent with earthquakes; or like a Dutch tulip garden blown to the stars with dynamite.
And yet, no matter how high they climbed, the desert still bloomed like a rose. The fields shone with the colors of kingfishers, parrots, and hummingbirds, with shades from a hundred blooming flowers. There are no prettier meadows and woodlands than those in England, no grander peaks or valleys than those of Snowdon and Glencoe. But Ethel Harrogate had never seen the southern parks set against the jagged northern peaks; the gorge of Glencoe filled with fruits from Kent. There was nothing here of that cold and emptiness that one associates with high and wild scenery in Britain. It felt more like a mosaic palace shaken by earthquakes; or like a Dutch tulip garden blasted into the stars by dynamite.
“It’s like Kew Gardens on Beachy Head,” said Ethel.
“It’s like Kew Gardens at Beachy Head,” Ethel said.
“It is our secret,” answered he, “the secret of the volcano; that is also the secret of the revolution—that a thing can be violent and yet fruitful.”
“It’s our secret,” he replied, “the secret of the volcano; that’s also the secret of the revolution—how something can be violent and still yield positive results.”
“You are rather violent yourself,” and she smiled at him.
"You can be pretty violent yourself," she said with a smile.
“And yet rather fruitless,” he admitted; “if I die tonight I die unmarried and a fool.”
"And yet it's pretty pointless," he admitted; "if I die tonight, I die single and foolish."
“It is not my fault if you have come,” she said after a difficult silence.
“It’s not my fault you came,” she said after a long silence.
“It is never your fault,” answered Muscari; “it was not your fault that Troy fell.”
“It’s never your fault,” Muscari replied; “it wasn’t your fault that Troy fell.”
As they spoke they came under overwhelming cliffs that spread almost like wings above a corner of peculiar peril. Shocked by the big shadow on the narrow ledge, the horses stirred doubtfully. The driver leapt to the earth to hold their heads, and they became ungovernable. One horse reared up to his full height—the titanic and terrifying height of a horse when he becomes a biped. It was just enough to alter the equilibrium; the whole coach heeled over like a ship and crashed through the fringe of bushes over the cliff. Muscari threw an arm round Ethel, who clung to him, and shouted aloud. It was for such moments that he lived.
As they talked, they approached massive cliffs that loomed overhead like wings above a spot of strange danger. Startled by the large shadow on the narrow ledge, the horses shifted nervously. The driver jumped down to steady their heads, but they became wild. One horse reared up to its full height—the enormous and frightening height of a horse when it stands on two legs. It was just enough to throw off the balance; the entire coach tipped over like a boat and crashed through the edge of the bushes down the cliff. Muscari wrapped an arm around Ethel, who held onto him tightly, and shouted loudly. It was for moments like this that he lived.
At the moment when the gorgeous mountain walls went round the poet’s head like a purple windmill a thing happened which was superficially even more startling. The elderly and lethargic banker sprang erect in the coach and leapt over the precipice before the tilted vehicle could take him there. In the first flash it looked as wild as suicide; but in the second it was as sensible as a safe investment. The Yorkshireman had evidently more promptitude, as well as more sagacity, than Muscari had given him credit for; for he landed in a lap of land which might have been specially padded with turf and clover to receive him. As it happened, indeed, the whole company were equally lucky, if less dignified in their form of ejection. Immediately under this abrupt turn of the road was a grassy and flowery hollow like a sunken meadow; a sort of green velvet pocket in the long, green, trailing garments of the hills. Into this they were all tipped or tumbled with little damage, save that their smallest baggage and even the contents of their pockets were scattered in the grass around them. The wrecked coach still hung above, entangled in the tough hedge, and the horses plunged painfully down the slope. The first to sit up was the little priest, who scratched his head with a face of foolish wonder. Frank Harrogate heard him say to himself: “Now why on earth have we fallen just here?”
At the moment the stunning mountain walls surrounded the poet like a purple windmill, something even more shocking happened. The elderly and sluggish banker shot up in the carriage and jumped over the edge before the tilting vehicle could take him there. At first, it seemed as reckless as suicide, but in the next instant, it was as smart as a safe investment. The Yorkshireman clearly had more quickness and insight than Muscari had given him credit for, as he landed in a patch of land that seemed specially cushioned with grass and clover to catch him. In fact, the whole group was equally fortunate, though less graceful in how they were thrown out. Directly below the sharp turn in the road was a grassy and flowery dip, like a sunken meadow—a sort of green velvet pocket in the long, green, flowing skirts of the hills. They were all ejected into this spot with little harm done, except their smallest bags and even the contents of their pockets were scattered across the grass around them. The wrecked coach still dangled above, caught in the thick hedge, while the horses stumbled painfully down the slope. The first to sit up was the little priest, who scratched his head with a bewildered expression. Frank Harrogate heard him mumble to himself, “Now why on earth did we fall right here?”
He blinked at the litter around him, and recovered his own very clumsy umbrella. Beyond it lay the broad sombrero fallen from the head of Muscari, and beside it a sealed business letter which, after a glance at the address, he returned to the elder Harrogate. On the other side of him the grass partly hid Miss Ethel’s sunshade, and just beyond it lay a curious little glass bottle hardly two inches long. The priest picked it up; in a quick, unobtrusive manner he uncorked and sniffed it, and his heavy face turned the colour of clay.
He blinked at the mess around him and picked up his very clumsy umbrella. In front of him was the wide sombrero that had fallen off Muscari’s head, and next to it was a sealed business letter which he glanced at before handing it back to the elder Harrogate. On his other side, the grass partly covered Miss Ethel’s sunshade, and just beyond that lay a strange little glass bottle that was barely two inches long. The priest picked it up; in a quick and discreet way, he uncorked it and sniffed, and his heavy face turned the color of clay.
“Heaven deliver us!” he muttered; “it can’t be hers! Has her sorrow come on her already?” He slipped it into his own waistcoat pocket. “I think I’m justified,” he said, “till I know a little more.”
“Good grief!” he muttered; “it can’t be hers! Has her sadness caught up with her already?” He slipped it into his own pocket. “I think I’m justified,” he said, “until I know a bit more.”
He gazed painfully at the girl, at that moment being raised out of the flowers by Muscari, who was saying: “We have fallen into heaven; it is a sign. Mortals climb up and they fall down; but it is only gods and goddesses who can fall upwards.”
He stared at the girl with pain, as she was being lifted out of the flowers by Muscari, who said: “We’ve fallen into heaven; it’s a sign. Mortals climb up and fall down; but only gods and goddesses can fall upwards.”
And indeed she rose out of the sea of colours so beautiful and happy a vision that the priest felt his suspicion shaken and shifted. “After all,” he thought, “perhaps the poison isn’t hers; perhaps it’s one of Muscari’s melodramatic tricks.”
And indeed she emerged from the sea of colors, such a beautiful and joyful sight that the priest felt his doubts wavering. “Maybe,” he thought, “the poison isn’t hers after all; maybe it’s one of Muscari’s over-the-top tricks.”
Muscari set the lady lightly on her feet, made her an absurdly theatrical bow, and then, drawing his cutlass, hacked hard at the taut reins of the horses, so that they scrambled to their feet and stood in the grass trembling. When he had done so, a most remarkable thing occurred. A very quiet man, very poorly dressed and extremely sunburnt, came out of the bushes and took hold of the horses’ heads. He had a queer-shaped knife, very broad and crooked, buckled on his belt; there was nothing else remarkable about him, except his sudden and silent appearance. The poet asked him who he was, and he did not answer.
Muscari gently set the lady on her feet, performed an overly dramatic bow, and then, drawing his cutlass, struck hard at the tight reins of the horses, causing them to scramble to their feet and tremble in the grass. After he did this, something quite unusual happened. A very quiet man, poorly dressed and heavily sunburned, emerged from the bushes and took hold of the horses’ heads. He had a strangely shaped knife, broad and crooked, attached to his belt; there was nothing else notable about him, except for his sudden and silent appearance. The poet asked him who he was, but he didn’t respond.
Looking around him at the confused and startled group in the hollow, Muscari then perceived that another tanned and tattered man, with a short gun under his arm, was looking at them from the ledge just below, leaning his elbows on the edge of the turf. Then he looked up at the road from which they had fallen and saw, looking down on them, the muzzles of four other carbines and four other brown faces with bright but quite motionless eyes.
Looking around at the confused and startled group in the hollow, Muscari noticed another tanned and worn man, holding a short gun under his arm, who was watching them from the ledge just below, resting his elbows on the edge of the grass. Then he looked up at the road they had fallen from and saw, gazing down at them, the muzzles of four other carbines and four other brown faces with bright but completely still eyes.
“The brigands!” cried Muscari, with a kind of monstrous gaiety. “This was a trap. Ezza, if you will oblige me by shooting the coachman first, we can cut our way out yet. There are only six of them.”
“The bandits!” shouted Muscari, with an odd sort of cheerfulness. “This was a setup. Ezza, if you could do me a favor and take out the coachman first, we might still fight our way out. There are only six of them.”
“The coachman,” said Ezza, who was standing grimly with his hands in his pockets, “happens to be a servant of Mr Harrogate’s.”
“The coachman,” said Ezza, who was standing seriously with his hands in his pockets, “is a servant of Mr. Harrogate.”
“Then shoot him all the more,” cried the poet impatiently; “he was bribed to upset his master. Then put the lady in the middle, and we will break the line up there—with a rush.”
“Then go ahead and shoot him,” the poet said impatiently. “He was paid to betray his master. Now, put the lady in the middle, and we’ll break the line up there—with a charge.”
And, wading in wild grass and flowers, he advanced fearlessly on the four carbines; but finding that no one followed except young Harrogate, he turned, brandishing his cutlass to wave the others on. He beheld the courier still standing slightly astride in the centre of the grassy ring, his hands in his pockets; and his lean, ironical Italian face seemed to grow longer and longer in the evening light.
And, walking through the tall grass and flowers, he confidently moved toward the four carbines; but noticing that only young Harrogate was following him, he turned, swinging his cutlass to signal the others to come on. He saw the courier still standing a bit sideways in the middle of the grassy circle, his hands in his pockets; and his lean, sarcastic Italian face seemed to stretch longer and longer in the evening light.
“You thought, Muscari, I was the failure among our schoolfellows,” he said, “and you thought you were the success. But I have succeeded more than you and fill a bigger place in history. I have been acting epics while you have been writing them.”
“You thought, Muscari, that I was the failure among our classmates,” he said, “and you believed you were the success. But I have achieved more than you and have a larger role in history. I have been performing epic tales while you have been writing them.”
“Come on, I tell you!” thundered Muscari from above. “Will you stand there talking nonsense about yourself with a woman to save and three strong men to help you? What do you call yourself?”
“Come on, I’m telling you!” shouted Muscari from above. “Are you just going to stand there talking nonsense about yourself with a woman to save and three strong men ready to help you? What do you think you’re doing?”
“I call myself Montano,” cried the strange courier in a voice equally loud and full. “I am the King of Thieves, and I welcome you all to my summer palace.”
“I go by Montano,” shouted the unusual messenger in a voice that was both loud and hearty. “I’m the King of Thieves, and I welcome you all to my summer palace.”
And even as he spoke five more silent men with weapons ready came out of the bushes, and looked towards him for their orders. One of them held a large paper in his hand.
And just as he was speaking, five more silent men with their weapons drawn stepped out of the bushes and looked at him for instructions. One of them was holding a large piece of paper.
“This pretty little nest where we are all picnicking,” went on the courier-brigand, with the same easy yet sinister smile, “is, together with some caves underneath it, known by the name of the Paradise of Thieves. It is my principal stronghold on these hills; for (as you have doubtless noticed) the eyrie is invisible both from the road above and from the valley below. It is something better than impregnable; it is unnoticeable. Here I mostly live, and here I shall certainly die, if the gendarmes ever track me here. I am not the kind of criminal that ‘reserves his defence,’ but the better kind that reserves his last bullet.”
“This lovely little spot where we’re all having a picnic,” continued the courier-brigand with the same casual yet menacing smile, “is, along with some caves beneath it, known as the Paradise of Thieves. This is my main stronghold on these hills; because (as you’ve probably noticed) the hideout is completely hidden from both the road above and the valley below. It’s not just safe; it’s practically invisible. I mostly live here, and I will surely die here if the police ever find me. I’m not the kind of criminal who ‘holds back his defense,’ but the better kind who saves his last bullet.”
All were staring at him thunderstruck and still, except Father Brown, who heaved a huge sigh as of relief and fingered the little phial in his pocket. “Thank God!” he muttered; “that’s much more probable. The poison belongs to this robber-chief, of course. He carries it so that he may never be captured, like Cato.”
Everyone was staring at him in shock and silence, except for Father Brown, who let out a huge sigh of relief and toyed with the small vial in his pocket. “Thank God!” he murmured; “that makes much more sense. The poison belongs to this robber chief, obviously. He keeps it so he can never be caught, like Cato.”
The King of Thieves was, however, continuing his address with the same kind of dangerous politeness. “It only remains for me,” he said, “to explain to my guests the social conditions upon which I have the pleasure of entertaining them. I need not expound the quaint old ritual of ransom, which it is incumbent upon me to keep up; and even this only applies to a part of the company. The Reverend Father Brown and the celebrated Signor Muscari I shall release tomorrow at dawn and escort to my outposts. Poets and priests, if you will pardon my simplicity of speech, never have any money. And so (since it is impossible to get anything out of them), let us, seize the opportunity to show our admiration for classic literature and our reverence for Holy Church.”
The King of Thieves continued his speech with an air of dangerous politeness. “Now, let me explain to my guests the conditions under which I have the pleasure of hosting them. I won’t go into detail about the old ritual of ransom that I’m required to uphold; this only applies to some of you. Tomorrow at dawn, I will release the Reverend Father Brown and the famous Signor Muscari and take them to my outposts. Poets and priests, if I may speak plainly, never have any money. So (since it’s impossible to get anything from them), let’s take this opportunity to express our admiration for classic literature and our respect for Holy Church.”
He paused with an unpleasing smile; and Father Brown blinked repeatedly at him, and seemed suddenly to be listening with great attention. The brigand captain took the large paper from the attendant brigand and, glancing over it, continued: “My other intentions are clearly set forth in this public document, which I will hand round in a moment; and which after that will be posted on a tree by every village in the valley, and every cross-road in the hills. I will not weary you with the verbalism, since you will be able to check it; the substance of my proclamation is this: I announce first that I have captured the English millionaire, the colossus of finance, Mr Samuel Harrogate. I next announce that I have found on his person notes and bonds for two thousand pounds, which he has given up to me. Now since it would be really immoral to announce such a thing to a credulous public if it had not occurred, I suggest it should occur without further delay. I suggest that Mr Harrogate senior should now give me the two thousand pounds in his pocket.”
He paused with a fake smile, and Father Brown blinked at him a few times, suddenly paying close attention. The bandit leader took the large paper from the nearby bandit and, after glancing at it, continued: “My other plans are clearly laid out in this public document, which I'll pass around shortly; and after that, it will be posted on a tree in every village in the valley and every crossroad in the hills. I won’t bore you with the details since you can verify it yourself; the main point of my announcement is this: I’m declaring that I have captured the English millionaire, the financial giant, Mr. Samuel Harrogate. I also announce that I found notes and bonds worth two thousand pounds on him, which he has surrendered to me. Since it would be truly unfair to announce something to an unsuspecting public if it weren’t true, I suggest we make it official without delay. I propose that Mr. Harrogate transfer the two thousand pounds in his pocket to me now.”
The banker looked at him under lowering brows, red-faced and sulky, but seemingly cowed. That leap from the failing carriage seemed to have used up his last virility. He had held back in a hang-dog style when his son and Muscari had made a bold movement to break out of the brigand trap. And now his red and trembling hand went reluctantly to his breast-pocket, and passed a bundle of papers and envelopes to the brigand.
The banker glared at him with furrowed brows, his face flushed and sullen, but he seemed intimidated. That jump from the failing carriage seemed to have drained his last ounce of strength. He hesitated, looking defeated, when his son and Muscari bravely tried to escape the bandit's trap. Now, his red, shaking hand hesitantly reached for his breast pocket and handed a bundle of papers and envelopes to the bandit.
“Excellent!” cried that outlaw gaily; “so far we are all cosy. I resume the points of my proclamation, so soon to be published to all Italy. The third item is that of ransom. I am asking from the friends of the Harrogate family a ransom of three thousand pounds, which I am sure is almost insulting to that family in its moderate estimate of their importance. Who would not pay triple this sum for another day’s association with such a domestic circle? I will not conceal from you that the document ends with certain legal phrases about the unpleasant things that may happen if the money is not paid; but meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, let me assure you that I am comfortably off here for accommodation, wine and cigars, and bid you for the present a sportsman-like welcome to the luxuries of the Paradise of Thieves.”
“Excellent!” exclaimed the outlaw happily; “so far we’re all comfortable. I’ll go over the main points of my announcement, which will soon be shared with all of Italy. The third point is about ransom. I’m asking the friends of the Harrogate family for a ransom of three thousand pounds, which I’m sure is almost insulting to them considering how modest that amount is for their significance. Who wouldn’t pay three times that for just one more day with such a wonderful family? I won’t hide from you that the document concludes with some legal jargon about the unpleasant consequences that could arise if the money isn’t paid; but in the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, let me assure you that I’m quite well-off here in terms of comfort, wine, and cigars, and I extend to you a sporting welcome to the luxuries of the Paradise of Thieves.”
All the time that he had been speaking, the dubious-looking men with carbines and dirty slouch hats had been gathering silently in such preponderating numbers that even Muscari was compelled to recognize his sally with the sword as hopeless. He glanced around him; but the girl had already gone over to soothe and comfort her father, for her natural affection for his person was as strong or stronger than her somewhat snobbish pride in his success. Muscari, with the illogicality of a lover, admired this filial devotion, and yet was irritated by it. He slapped his sword back in the scabbard and went and flung himself somewhat sulkily on one of the green banks. The priest sat down within a yard or two, and Muscari turned his aquiline nose on him in an instantaneous irritation.
While he was speaking, the sketchy-looking men with carbines and dirty slouch hats had gathered silently in such large numbers that even Muscari had to admit his attempt to fight back was pointless. He looked around; the girl had already gone over to comfort her father, her natural affection for him was as strong or even stronger than her somewhat snobby pride in his achievements. Muscari, caught up in his feelings as a lover, admired this devotion but was also annoyed by it. He sheathed his sword and flung himself somewhat sulkily onto one of the green banks. The priest sat down a couple of yards away, and Muscari shot him an irritated look.
“Well,” said the poet tartly, “do people still think me too romantic? Are there, I wonder, any brigands left in the mountains?”
“Well,” the poet replied sharply, “do people still see me as too romantic? I wonder, are there any bandits left in the mountains?”
“There may be,” said Father Brown agnostically.
"There might be," Father Brown said uncertainly.
“What do you mean?” asked the other sharply.
“What do you mean?” the other person asked sharply.
“I mean I am puzzled,” replied the priest. “I am puzzled about Ezza or Montano, or whatever his name is. He seems to me much more inexplicable as a brigand even than he was as a courier.”
“I mean I’m confused,” replied the priest. “I’m confused about Ezza or Montano, or whatever his name is. He seems much more mysterious to me as a brigand than he did as a courier.”
“But in what way?” persisted his companion. “Santa Maria! I should have thought the brigand was plain enough.”
“But how?” his friend pressed on. “Oh my God! I would have thought the outlaw was obvious enough.”
“I find three curious difficulties,” said the priest in a quiet voice. “I should like to have your opinion on them. First of all I must tell you I was lunching in that restaurant at the seaside. As four of you left the room, you and Miss Harrogate went ahead, talking and laughing; the banker and the courier came behind, speaking sparely and rather low. But I could not help hearing Ezza say these words—‘Well, let her have a little fun; you know the blow may smash her any minute.’ Mr Harrogate answered nothing; so the words must have had some meaning. On the impulse of the moment I warned her brother that she might be in peril; I said nothing of its nature, for I did not know. But if it meant this capture in the hills, the thing is nonsense. Why should the brigand-courier warn his patron, even by a hint, when it was his whole purpose to lure him into the mountain-mousetrap? It could not have meant that. But if not, what is this disaster, known both to courier and banker, which hangs over Miss Harrogate’s head?”
“I see three strange difficulties,” the priest said softly. “I’d like your thoughts on them. First, I should mention that I was having lunch at that seaside restaurant. As you four left the room, you and Miss Harrogate walked ahead, chatting and laughing; the banker and the courier followed behind, speaking quietly and somewhat tersely. But I couldn’t help but overhear Ezza say, ‘Well, let her have a little fun; you know the blow may smash her any minute.’ Mr. Harrogate didn’t respond, so those words must have meant something. On a whim, I warned her brother that she might be in danger; I didn’t specify what kind because I didn’t know. But if it referred to this capture in the hills, that makes no sense. Why would a brigand-courier warn his boss, even indirectly, when his whole aim was to trap him in the mountains? It definitely couldn’t mean that. But if it doesn’t, then what is this danger, known to both the courier and the banker, that threatens Miss Harrogate?”
“Disaster to Miss Harrogate!” ejaculated the poet, sitting up with some ferocity. “Explain yourself; go on.”
“Disaster for Miss Harrogate!” shouted the poet, sitting up fiercely. “Explain yourself; go on.”
“All my riddles, however, revolve round our bandit chief,” resumed the priest reflectively. “And here is the second of them. Why did he put so prominently in his demand for ransom the fact that he had taken two thousand pounds from his victim on the spot? It had no faintest tendency to evoke the ransom. Quite the other way, in fact. Harrogate’s friends would be far likelier to fear for his fate if they thought the thieves were poor and desperate. Yet the spoliation on the spot was emphasized and even put first in the demand. Why should Ezza Montano want so specially to tell all Europe that he had picked the pocket before he levied the blackmail?”
“All my riddles, however, revolve around our bandit chief,” the priest continued thoughtfully. “And here’s the second one. Why did he make such a big deal in his ransom demand about having taken two thousand pounds from his victim right then and there? That wouldn’t encourage the ransom at all. In fact, it’s the opposite. Harrogate’s friends would probably be more worried about him if they believed the thieves were struggling and desperate. Yet, the theft was highlighted and even listed first in the demand. Why would Ezza Montano want to make it so clear to all of Europe that he had stolen the money before asking for the blackmail?”
“I cannot imagine,” said Muscari, rubbing up his black hair for once with an unaffected gesture. “You may think you enlighten me, but you are leading me deeper in the dark. What may be the third objection to the King of the Thieves?” “The third objection,” said Father Brown, still in meditation, “is this bank we are sitting on. Why does our brigand-courier call this his chief fortress and the Paradise of Thieves? It is certainly a soft spot to fall on and a sweet spot to look at. It is also quite true, as he says, that it is invisible from valley and peak, and is therefore a hiding-place. But it is not a fortress. It never could be a fortress. I think it would be the worst fortress in the world. For it is actually commanded from above by the common high-road across the mountains—the very place where the police would most probably pass. Why, five shabby short guns held us helpless here about half an hour ago. The quarter of a company of any kind of soldiers could have blown us over the precipice. Whatever is the meaning of this odd little nook of grass and flowers, it is not an entrenched position. It is something else; it has some other strange sort of importance; some value that I do not understand. It is more like an accidental theatre or a natural green-room; it is like the scene for some romantic comedy; it is like....”
“I can’t even imagine,” said Muscari, tousling his black hair absentmindedly. “You might think you’re enlightening me, but you’re just making things more confusing. What’s the third problem with the King of the Thieves?” “The third problem,” Father Brown replied, still in thought, “is this bank we’re sitting on. Why does our brigand-courier call this his main fortress and the Paradise of Thieves? It’s definitely a nice spot to fall on and it looks pleasant too. It’s also true, as he says, that it can’t be seen from the valley or the peak, which makes it a good hiding place. But it’s not a fortress. It could never be a fortress. In fact, I’d say it’s the worst fortress imaginable. It’s literally overlooked by the main road through the mountains—the very spot where the police would most likely pass by. I mean, five scrappy little guns had us trapped here just half an hour ago. A quarter of any kind of soldiers could have sent us tumbling off the edge. Whatever this odd little patch of grass and flowers means, it’s not a stronghold. It’s something else; it has some other strange kind of significance; some value that I don’t get. It’s more like an accidental stage or a natural green room; it’s like the backdrop for some romantic comedy; it’s like...”
As the little priest’s words lengthened and lost themselves in a dull and dreamy sincerity, Muscari, whose animal senses were alert and impatient, heard a new noise in the mountains. Even for him the sound was as yet very small and faint; but he could have sworn the evening breeze bore with it something like the pulsation of horses’ hoofs and a distant hallooing.
As the young priest's words dragged on and faded into a dull, dreamy sincerity, Muscari, whose instinctive senses were sharp and restless, picked up a new sound in the mountains. Even for him, the noise was still very soft and faint; but he could have sworn the evening breeze carried something that felt like the rhythm of horses’ hooves and some distant shouting.
At the same moment, and long before the vibration had touched the less-experienced English ears, Montano the brigand ran up the bank above them and stood in the broken hedge, steadying himself against a tree and peering down the road. He was a strange figure as he stood there, for he had assumed a flapped fantastic hat and swinging baldric and cutlass in his capacity of bandit king, but the bright prosaic tweed of the courier showed through in patches all over him.
At the same time, long before the noise reached the less experienced English ears, Montano the bandit ran up the bank above them and stood in the broken hedge, bracing himself against a tree and looking down the road. He was an unusual sight as he stood there, wearing a flamboyant hat and a swinging belt with a cutlass as the bandit king, but the bright, plain tweed of the courier showed through in patches all over him.
The next moment he turned his olive, sneering face and made a movement with his hand. The brigands scattered at the signal, not in confusion, but in what was evidently a kind of guerrilla discipline. Instead of occupying the road along the ridge, they sprinkled themselves along the side of it behind the trees and the hedge, as if watching unseen for an enemy. The noise beyond grew stronger, beginning to shake the mountain road, and a voice could be clearly heard calling out orders. The brigands swayed and huddled, cursing and whispering, and the evening air was full of little metallic noises as they cocked their pistols, or loosened their knives, or trailed their scabbards over the stones. Then the noises from both quarters seemed to meet on the road above; branches broke, horses neighed, men cried out.
The next moment, he turned his olive, sneering face and signaled with his hand. The brigands scattered at the cue, not in chaos, but with what clearly looked like a type of guerrilla discipline. Instead of taking up positions along the ridge, they spread out along the side of the road behind the trees and the hedge, as if lying in wait for an unseen enemy. The noise from beyond grew louder, starting to shake the mountain road, and a voice could be distinctly heard shouting orders. The brigands swayed and huddled together, muttering curses and whispers, while the evening air was filled with little metallic sounds as they cocked their pistols, or loosened their knives, or dragged their scabbards over the stones. Then, the noises from both sides seemed to converge on the road above; branches snapped, horses neighed, and men yelled out.
“A rescue!” cried Muscari, springing to his feet and waving his hat; “the gendarmes are on them! Now for freedom and a blow for it! Now to be rebels against robbers! Come, don’t let us leave everything to the police; that is so dreadfully modern. Fall on the rear of these ruffians. The gendarmes are rescuing us; come, friends, let us rescue the gendarmes!”
“A rescue!” shouted Muscari, jumping to his feet and waving his hat. “The police are on them! Now for freedom and a fight for it! Time to stand up against these thieves! Come on, let’s not leave everything to the police; that’s so terribly modern. Let’s attack the back of these thugs. The police are saving us; come on, friends, let’s help save the police!”
And throwing his hat over the trees, he drew his cutlass once more and began to escalade the slope up to the road. Frank Harrogate jumped up and ran across to help him, revolver in hand, but was astounded to hear himself imperatively recalled by the raucous voice of his father, who seemed to be in great agitation.
And throwing his hat over the trees, he pulled out his cutlass again and started to climb the slope up to the road. Frank Harrogate jumped up and ran over to help him, revolver in hand, but was shocked to hear his father's rough voice calling him back urgently, sounding very upset.
“I won’t have it,” said the banker in a choking voice; “I command you not to interfere.”
“I won’t allow this,” said the banker in a strained voice; “I order you not to interfere.”
“But, father,” said Frank very warmly, “an Italian gentleman has led the way. You wouldn’t have it said that the English hung back.”
“But, Dad,” Frank said earnestly, “an Italian gentleman has taken the lead. You wouldn’t want it to be said that the English held back.”
“It is useless,” said the older man, who was trembling violently, “it is useless. We must submit to our lot.”
“It’s pointless,” said the older man, who was shaking violently, “it’s pointless. We have to accept our fate.”
Father Brown looked at the banker; then he put his hand instinctively as if on his heart, but really on the little bottle of poison; and a great light came into his face like the light of the revelation of death.
Father Brown looked at the banker; then he instinctively placed his hand as if on his heart, but really on the small bottle of poison; and a great light came into his face like the dawning realization of death.
Muscari meanwhile, without waiting for support, had crested the bank up to the road, and struck the brigand king heavily on the shoulder, causing him to stagger and swing round. Montano also had his cutlass unsheathed, and Muscari, without further speech, sent a slash at his head which he was compelled to catch and parry. But even as the two short blades crossed and clashed the King of Thieves deliberately dropped his point and laughed.
Muscari, without waiting for help, climbed up the bank to the road and hit the brigand king hard on the shoulder, making him stagger and spin around. Montano had also drawn his cutlass, and without saying anything more, Muscari swung at his head, which Montano had to block and deflect. But even as their blades met and clashed, the King of Thieves intentionally lowered his weapon and laughed.
“What’s the good, old man?” he said in spirited Italian slang; “this damned farce will soon be over.”
“What’s the matter, old man?” he said in lively Italian slang; “this stupid act will be over soon.”
“What do you mean, you shuffler?” panted the fire-eating poet. “Is your courage a sham as well as your honesty?”
“What do you mean, you shuffler?” panted the fire-eating poet. “Is your courage just a facade like your honesty?”
“Everything about me is a sham,” responded the ex-courier in complete good humour. “I am an actor; and if I ever had a private character, I have forgotten it. I am no more a genuine brigand than I am a genuine courier. I am only a bundle of masks, and you can’t fight a duel with that.” And he laughed with boyish pleasure and fell into his old straddling attitude, with his back to the skirmish up the road.
“Everything about me is a fake,” the ex-courier replied, totally in good spirits. “I’m an actor, and if I ever had a true self, I’ve forgotten it. I’m no more a real robber than I am a real courier. I’m just a collection of disguises, and you can’t duel with that.” He laughed with youthful joy and settled back into his old slouch, facing away from the scuffle up the road.
Darkness was deepening under the mountain walls, and it was not easy to discern much of the progress of the struggle, save that tall men were pushing their horses’ muzzles through a clinging crowd of brigands, who seemed more inclined to harass and hustle the invaders than to kill them. It was more like a town crowd preventing the passage of the police than anything the poet had ever pictured as the last stand of doomed and outlawed men of blood. Just as he was rolling his eyes in bewilderment he felt a touch on his elbow, and found the odd little priest standing there like a small Noah with a large hat, and requesting the favour of a word or two.
The darkness was thickening under the mountain walls, and it wasn't easy to see much of the fight, except that tall men were pushing their horses' noses through a tangled crowd of bandits, who seemed more interested in bothering and shoving the invaders than actually killing them. It felt more like a town crowd blocking the way for the police than anything the poet had ever imagined as the last stand of doomed and outcast men. Just as he was rolling his eyes in confusion, he felt a tap on his elbow and saw the strange little priest standing there like a small Noah with a big hat, asking for a moment of his time.
“Signor Muscari,” said the cleric, “in this queer crisis personalities may be pardoned. I may tell you without offence of a way in which you will do more good than by helping the gendarmes, who are bound to break through in any case. You will permit me the impertinent intimacy, but do you care about that girl? Care enough to marry her and make her a good husband, I mean?”
“Mr. Muscari,” said the cleric, “during this strange situation, it's understandable that people can act oddly. I can share with you, without offending, that there's a way you can do more good than by assisting the police, who are going to force their way through regardless. I hope you don't mind my bluntness, but do you care about that girl? Care enough to marry her and be a good husband to her, I mean?”
“Yes,” said the poet quite simply.
"Yes," the poet replied honestly.
“Does she care about you?”
“Does she care for you?”
“I think so,” was the equally grave reply.
“I think so,” was the serious response.
“Then go over there and offer yourself,” said the priest: “offer her everything you can; offer her heaven and earth if you’ve got them. The time is short.”
“Then go over there and give yourself,” said the priest. “Give her everything you can; give her heaven and earth if you have them. The time is short.”
“Why?” asked the astonished man of letters.
“Why?” asked the shocked writer.
“Because,” said Father Brown, “her Doom is coming up the road.”
“Because,” said Father Brown, “her fate is coming down the road.”
“Nothing is coming up the road,” argued Muscari, “except the rescue.”
“Nothing is coming down the road,” Muscari argued, “except for the rescue.”
“Well, you go over there,” said his adviser, “and be ready to rescue her from the rescue.”
“Well, you go over there,” said his adviser, “and be ready to save her from the rescue.”
Almost as he spoke the hedges were broken all along the ridge by a rush of the escaping brigands. They dived into bushes and thick grass like defeated men pursued; and the great cocked hats of the mounted gendarmerie were seen passing along above the broken hedge. Another order was given; there was a noise of dismounting, and a tall officer with cocked hat, a grey imperial, and a paper in his hand appeared in the gap that was the gate of the Paradise of Thieves. There was a momentary silence, broken in an extraordinary way by the banker, who cried out in a hoarse and strangled voice: “Robbed! I’ve been robbed!”
Almost as he spoke, the hedges along the ridge were broken by a rush of escaping bandits. They dove into the bushes and thick grass like defeated men on the run; and the tall, cocked hats of the mounted police were seen moving along above the broken hedge. Another order was given; there was a noise of dismounting, and a tall officer in a cocked hat, a gray uniform, and a paper in his hand appeared in the gap that served as the entrance to the Paradise of Thieves. There was a moment of silence, which was suddenly interrupted by the banker, who shouted in a hoarse and strangled voice: “I’ve been robbed!”
“Why, that was hours ago,” cried his son in astonishment: “when you were robbed of two thousand pounds.”
“Wow, that was hours ago,” his son exclaimed in disbelief. “That’s when you lost two thousand pounds.”
“Not of two thousand pounds,” said the financier, with an abrupt and terrible composure, “only of a small bottle.”
“Not two thousand pounds,” said the financier, with a sudden and chilling calm, “just a small bottle.”
The policeman with the grey imperial was striding across the green hollow. Encountering the King of the Thieves in his path, he clapped him on the shoulder with something between a caress and a buffet and gave him a push that sent him staggering away. “You’ll get into trouble, too,” he said, “if you play these tricks.”
The cop in the grey uniform was walking confidently across the green valley. When he ran into the King of the Thieves, he gave him a light pat on the shoulder that was somewhere between a friendly gesture and a shove, then pushed him, causing him to stumble back. “You’re going to get yourself in trouble, too,” he said, “if you keep pulling these stunts.”
Again to Muscari’s artistic eye it seemed scarcely like the capture of a great outlaw at bay. Passing on, the policeman halted before the Harrogate group and said: “Samuel Harrogate, I arrest you in the name of the law for embezzlement of the funds of the Hull and Huddersfield Bank.”
Again to Muscari’s artistic eye, it hardly looked like the capture of a great outlaw cornered. As he moved on, the policeman stopped in front of the Harrogate group and said: “Samuel Harrogate, I arrest you in the name of the law for embezzling funds from the Hull and Huddersfield Bank.”
The great banker nodded with an odd air of business assent, seemed to reflect a moment, and before they could interpose took a half turn and a step that brought him to the edge of the outer mountain wall. Then, flinging up his hands, he leapt exactly as he leapt out of the coach. But this time he did not fall into a little meadow just beneath; he fell a thousand feet below, to become a wreck of bones in the valley.
The wealthy banker nodded with a strange business-like approval, paused for a moment to think, and before anyone could stop him, he turned and took a step that brought him to the edge of the outer mountain wall. Then, throwing his hands up, he jumped just like he did when he got out of the coach. But this time, he didn’t land in a small meadow below; he plummeted a thousand feet down, becoming a pile of bones in the valley.
The anger of the Italian policeman, which he expressed volubly to Father Brown, was largely mixed with admiration. “It was like him to escape us at last,” he said. “He was a great brigand if you like. This last trick of his I believe to be absolutely unprecedented. He fled with the company’s money to Italy, and actually got himself captured by sham brigands in his own pay, so as to explain both the disappearance of the money and the disappearance of himself. That demand for ransom was really taken seriously by most of the police. But for years he’s been doing things as good as that, quite as good as that. He will be a serious loss to his family.”
The Italian policeman's anger, which he shared passionately with Father Brown, was mixed with admiration. “It was just like him to finally escape us,” he said. “He was a clever criminal, no doubt about it. This latest scheme of his is truly unprecedented. He took the company's money and fled to Italy, then actually got himself captured by fake bandits he hired himself, just to cover up both the missing money and his own disappearance. Most of the police took that ransom demand seriously. But for years, he’s been pulling off stunts just as clever as this one. His family is going to feel his loss seriously.”
Muscari was leading away the unhappy daughter, who held hard to him, as she did for many a year after. But even in that tragic wreck he could not help having a smile and a hand of half-mocking friendship for the indefensible Ezza Montano. “And where are you going next?” he asked him over his shoulder.
Muscari was guiding the distressed daughter, who clung tightly to him, just as she did for many years afterward. But even in that tragic situation, he couldn't help but flash a smile and offer a somewhat teasing gesture of friendship to the unforgivable Ezza Montano. “So, where are you headed next?” he called out over his shoulder.
“Birmingham,” answered the actor, puffing a cigarette. “Didn’t I tell you I was a Futurist? I really do believe in those things if I believe in anything. Change, bustle and new things every morning. I am going to Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds, Hull, Huddersfield, Glasgow, Chicago—in short, to enlightened, energetic, civilized society!”
“Birmingham,” replied the actor, taking a puff from his cigarette. “Didn’t I mention I’m a Futurist? I truly believe in that stuff if I believe in anything. Change, excitement, and new experiences every morning. I’m heading to Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds, Hull, Huddersfield, Glasgow, Chicago—in short, to a progressive, dynamic, civilized society!”
“In short,” said Muscari, “to the real Paradise of Thieves.”
“In short,” said Muscari, “to the true Paradise of Thieves.”
THREE — The Duel of Dr Hirsch
M. MAURICE BRUN and M. Armand Armagnac were crossing the sunlit Champs Elysee with a kind of vivacious respectability. They were both short, brisk and bold. They both had black beards that did not seem to belong to their faces, after the strange French fashion which makes real hair look like artificial. M. Brun had a dark wedge of beard apparently affixed under his lower lip. M. Armagnac, by way of a change, had two beards; one sticking out from each corner of his emphatic chin. They were both young. They were both atheists, with a depressing fixity of outlook but great mobility of exposition. They were both pupils of the great Dr Hirsch, scientist, publicist and moralist.
M. Maurice Brun and M. Armand Armagnac were walking across the sunny Champs Élysées with a certain lively respectability. They were both short, energetic, and confident. Both had black beards that didn’t quite seem to match their faces, in that odd French way that makes real hair look fake. M. Brun sported a dark wedge of beard positioned right under his lower lip. M. Armagnac, for variety, had two beards, one protruding from each side of his pronounced chin. They were both young. They were both atheists, with a rather bleak perspective, yet they were very articulate. They were both students of the renowned Dr. Hirsch, a scientist, publicist, and moral thinker.
M. Brun had become prominent by his proposal that the common expression “Adieu” should be obliterated from all the French classics, and a slight fine imposed for its use in private life. “Then,” he said, “the very name of your imagined God will have echoed for the last time in the ear of man.” M. Armagnac specialized rather in a resistance to militarism, and wished the chorus of the Marseillaise altered from “Aux armes, citoyens” to “Aux greves, citoyens”. But his antimilitarism was of a peculiar and Gallic sort. An eminent and very wealthy English Quaker, who had come to see him to arrange for the disarmament of the whole planet, was rather distressed by Armagnac’s proposal that (by way of beginning) the soldiers should shoot their officers.
M. Brun had gained attention for his suggestion that the common expression "Adieu" should be removed from all French classics, along with a small fine for using it in everyday life. "Then," he said, "the very name of your imagined God will have echoed for the last time in the ears of man." M. Armagnac focused more on opposing militarism and wanted to change the chorus of the Marseillaise from "Aux armes, citoyens" to "Aux grèves, citoyens." But his anti-militarism was a unique and French kind. An influential and very wealthy English Quaker who visited him to discuss disarming the entire planet was quite upset by Armagnac's suggestion that, to start, soldiers should shoot their officers.
And indeed it was in this regard that the two men differed most from their leader and father in philosophy. Dr Hirsch, though born in France and covered with the most triumphant favours of French education, was temperamentally of another type—mild, dreamy, humane; and, despite his sceptical system, not devoid of transcendentalism. He was, in short, more like a German than a Frenchman; and much as they admired him, something in the subconsciousness of these Gauls was irritated at his pleading for peace in so peaceful a manner. To their party throughout Europe, however, Paul Hirsch was a saint of science. His large and daring cosmic theories advertised his austere life and innocent, if somewhat frigid, morality; he held something of the position of Darwin doubled with the position of Tolstoy. But he was neither an anarchist nor an antipatriot; his views on disarmament were moderate and evolutionary—the Republican Government put considerable confidence in him as to various chemical improvements. He had lately even discovered a noiseless explosive, the secret of which the Government was carefully guarding.
And in this way, the two men were very different from their leader and father in philosophy. Dr. Hirsch, although born in France and educated in the best of French institutions, had a temperament that was quite different—gentle, dreamy, and compassionate; and even though he had a skeptical outlook, he still had elements of idealism. In short, he resembled a German more than a Frenchman; and while they admired him, something about his calm plea for peace seemed to irritate the deeper instincts of these Frenchmen. For their party across Europe, however, Paul Hirsch was a scientific hero. His bold and expansive cosmic theories contrasted with his strict lifestyle and innocent, albeit somewhat cold, morals; he occupied a position akin to a mix of Darwin and Tolstoy. But he was neither an anarchist nor unpatriotic; his views on disarmament were moderate and evolutionary—the Republican Government placed a lot of trust in him regarding various chemical advancements. Recently, he even discovered a silent explosive, the secret of which the Government was carefully protecting.
His house stood in a handsome street near the Elysee—a street which in that strong summer seemed almost as full of foliage as the park itself; a row of chestnuts shattered the sunshine, interrupted only in one place where a large cafe ran out into the street. Almost opposite to this were the white and green blinds of the great scientist’s house, an iron balcony, also painted green, running along in front of the first-floor windows. Beneath this was the entrance into a kind of court, gay with shrubs and tiles, into which the two Frenchmen passed in animated talk.
His house was on a beautiful street near the Elysee—a street that, in the strong summer sun, felt almost as lush as the park itself; a line of chestnut trees filtered the sunlight, broken only in one spot where a large café extended into the street. Directly across from this were the white and green shutters of the great scientist’s house, with a green-painted iron balcony stretching in front of the first-floor windows. Below this was the entrance to a charming courtyard filled with shrubs and tiles, where the two Frenchmen entered, chatting animatedly.
The door was opened to them by the doctor’s old servant, Simon, who might very well have passed for a doctor himself, having a strict suit of black, spectacles, grey hair, and a confidential manner. In fact, he was a far more presentable man of science than his master, Dr Hirsch, who was a forked radish of a fellow, with just enough bulb of a head to make his body insignificant. With all the gravity of a great physician handling a prescription, Simon handed a letter to M. Armagnac. That gentleman ripped it up with a racial impatience, and rapidly read the following:
The door was opened by the doctor’s old servant, Simon, who could have easily passed for a doctor himself, with his sharp black suit, spectacles, gray hair, and an air of confidence. In fact, he was a far more polished man of science than his boss, Dr. Hirsch, who was a peculiar sight, with just enough of a bulbous head to make his body look insignificant. With all the seriousness of a great physician handing over a prescription, Simon gave a letter to M. Armagnac. That gentleman tore it up impatiently and quickly read the following:
I cannot come down to speak to you. There is a man in this house whom I refuse to meet. He is a Chauvinist officer, Dubosc. He is sitting on the stairs. He has been kicking the furniture about in all the other rooms; I have locked myself in my study, opposite that cafe. If you love me, go over to the cafe and wait at one of the tables outside. I will try to send him over to you. I want you to answer him and deal with him. I cannot meet him myself. I cannot: I will not.
I can't come down to talk to you. There's a guy in this house I refuse to meet. He's a sexist officer, Dubosc. He's sitting on the stairs and has been messing with the furniture in all the other rooms. I've locked myself in my study, right across from that café. If you care about me, go to the café and wait at one of the tables outside. I'll try to send him your way. I want you to talk to him and handle it. I can't meet him myself. I can’t: I won’t.
There is going to be another Dreyfus case.
There’s going to be another Dreyfus case.
P. HIRSCH
P. Hirsch
M. Armagnac looked at M. Brun. M. Brun borrowed the letter, read it, and looked at M. Armagnac. Then both betook themselves briskly to one of the little tables under the chestnuts opposite, where they procured two tall glasses of horrible green absinthe, which they could drink apparently in any weather and at any time. Otherwise the cafe seemed empty, except for one soldier drinking coffee at one table, and at another a large man drinking a small syrup and a priest drinking nothing.
M. Armagnac glanced at M. Brun. M. Brun took the letter, read it, and then looked back at M. Armagnac. They both quickly went to one of the little tables under the chestnut trees across from them, where they got two tall glasses of terrible green absinthe, which they seemed able to drink in any weather and at any time. Other than that, the café appeared empty, except for one soldier having coffee at a table, a large man sipping a small syrup at another table, and a priest sitting there doing nothing.
Maurice Brun cleared his throat and said: “Of course we must help the master in every way, but—”
Maurice Brun cleared his throat and said: “Of course we have to help the boss in every way, but—”
There was an abrupt silence, and Armagnac said: “He may have excellent reasons for not meeting the man himself, but—”
There was a sudden silence, and Armagnac said: “He might have good reasons for not meeting the man himself, but—”
Before either could complete a sentence, it was evident that the invader had been expelled from the house opposite. The shrubs under the archway swayed and burst apart, as that unwelcome guest was shot out of them like a cannon-ball.
Before either could finish a sentence, it was clear that the intruder had been thrown out of the house across the street. The bushes under the archway shook and fell apart as that unwanted visitor was propelled out of them like a cannonball.
He was a sturdy figure in a small and tilted Tyrolean felt hat, a figure that had indeed something generally Tyrolean about it. The man’s shoulders were big and broad, but his legs were neat and active in knee-breeches and knitted stockings. His face was brown like a nut; he had very bright and restless brown eyes; his dark hair was brushed back stiffly in front and cropped close behind, outlining a square and powerful skull; and he had a huge black moustache like the horns of a bison. Such a substantial head is generally based on a bull neck; but this was hidden by a big coloured scarf, swathed round up the man’s ears and falling in front inside his jacket like a sort of fancy waistcoat. It was a scarf of strong dead colours, dark red and old gold and purple, probably of Oriental fabrication. Altogether the man had something a shade barbaric about him; more like a Hungarian squire than an ordinary French officer. His French, however, was obviously that of a native; and his French patriotism was so impulsive as to be slightly absurd. His first act when he burst out of the archway was to call in a clarion voice down the street: “Are there any Frenchmen here?” as if he were calling for Christians in Mecca.
He was a strong figure wearing a small, tilted Tyrolean felt hat, embodying something distinctly Tyrolean. The man had broad shoulders, but his legs were neat and agile in knee-breeches and knitted stockings. His face was nut-brown, sporting very bright and restless brown eyes; his dark hair was styled back stiffly in front and cropped short behind, emphasizing a square, powerful skull; he also had a large black moustache resembling bison horns. Such a substantial head is usually supported by a thick neck, but this was concealed by a large, colorful scarf wrapped around his ears and hanging in front, like a kind of fancy waistcoat. The scarf featured deep colors—dark red, old gold, and purple—likely of Oriental origin. Overall, the man had a slightly barbaric aura; more like a Hungarian squire than an average French officer. However, his French was clearly that of a native, and his French patriotism was so intense that it bordered on the ridiculous. His first action upon bursting out of the archway was to call in a booming voice down the street: “Are there any Frenchmen here?” as if he were calling for Christians in Mecca.
Armagnac and Brun instantly stood up; but they were too late. Men were already running from the street corners; there was a small but ever-clustering crowd. With the prompt French instinct for the politics of the street, the man with the black moustache had already run across to a corner of the cafe, sprung on one of the tables, and seizing a branch of chestnut to steady himself, shouted as Camille Desmoulins once shouted when he scattered the oak-leaves among the populace.
Armagnac and Brun quickly got to their feet, but it was too late. People were already rushing out from the street corners; a small but growing crowd was gathering. With the usual French instinct for street politics, the man with the black moustache quickly ran over to a corner of the café, jumped onto one of the tables, and grabbing a chestnut branch for support, shouted just like Camille Desmoulins did when he spread the oak leaves among the people.
“Frenchmen!” he volleyed; “I cannot speak! God help me, that is why I am speaking! The fellows in their filthy parliaments who learn to speak also learn to be silent—silent as that spy cowering in the house opposite! Silent as he is when I beat on his bedroom door! Silent as he is now, though he hears my voice across this street and shakes where he sits! Oh, they can be silent eloquently—the politicians! But the time has come when we that cannot speak must speak. You are betrayed to the Prussians. Betrayed at this moment. Betrayed by that man. I am Jules Dubosc, Colonel of Artillery, Belfort. We caught a German spy in the Vosges yesterday, and a paper was found on him—a paper I hold in my hand. Oh, they tried to hush it up; but I took it direct to the man who wrote it—the man in that house! It is in his hand. It is signed with his initials. It is a direction for finding the secret of this new Noiseless Powder. Hirsch invented it; Hirsch wrote this note about it. This note is in German, and was found in a German’s pocket. ‘Tell the man the formula for powder is in grey envelope in first drawer to the left of Secretary’s desk, War Office, in red ink. He must be careful. P.H.’”
“Frenchmen!” he shouted; “I can’t stay quiet! God help me, that’s why I’m speaking! The guys in their filthy parliaments who learn to talk also learn to be silent—silent like that spy hiding in the house across the street! Silent like he is when I bang on his bedroom door! Silent like he is now, even though he hears my voice from across the street and trembles where he sits! Oh, they can be eloquently silent—the politicians! But the time has come when we who cannot speak must speak. You are betrayed to the Prussians. Betrayed right now. Betrayed by that man. I am Jules Dubosc, Colonel of Artillery, Belfort. We caught a German spy in the Vosges yesterday, and we found a paper on him—a paper I’m holding in my hand. Oh, they tried to cover it up; but I took it straight to the man who wrote it—the man in that house! It’s in his handwriting. It’s signed with his initials. It’s a note directing how to find the secret of this new Noiseless Powder. Hirsch invented it; Hirsch wrote this note about it. This note is in German and was found in a German’s pocket. ‘Tell the man the formula for powder is in the grey envelope in the first drawer to the left of the Secretary’s desk, War Office, in red ink. He must be careful. P.H.’”
He rattled short sentences like a quick-firing gun, but he was plainly the sort of man who is either mad or right. The mass of the crowd was Nationalist, and already in threatening uproar; and a minority of equally angry Intellectuals, led by Armagnac and Brun, only made the majority more militant.
He fired off short sentences like a rapid-fire gun, but it was clear he was the kind of person who was either crazy or completely right. The majority of the crowd was Nationalist and already in an angry uproar; the equally furious minority of Intellectuals, led by Armagnac and Brun, only made the majority more aggressive.
“If this is a military secret,” shouted Brun, “why do you yell about it in the street?”
“If this is a military secret,” shouted Brun, “why are you shouting about it in the street?”
“I will tell you why I do!” roared Dubosc above the roaring crowd. “I went to this man in straight and civil style. If he had any explanation it could have been given in complete confidence. He refuses to explain. He refers me to two strangers in a cafe as to two flunkeys. He has thrown me out of the house, but I am going back into it, with the people of Paris behind me!”
“I'll tell you why I will!” shouted Dubosc over the noisy crowd. “I approached this man in a direct and respectful way. If he had any explanation, he could have given it in complete confidence. He refuses to explain. He sends me to two strangers in a café like they’re his flunkies. He has kicked me out of the house, but I'm going back in, with the people of Paris supporting me!”
A shout seemed to shake the very facade of mansions and two stones flew, one breaking a window above the balcony. The indignant Colonel plunged once more under the archway and was heard crying and thundering inside. Every instant the human sea grew wider and wider; it surged up against the rails and steps of the traitor’s house; it was already certain that the place would be burst into like the Bastille, when the broken french window opened and Dr Hirsch came out on the balcony. For an instant the fury half turned to laughter; for he was an absurd figure in such a scene. His long bare neck and sloping shoulders were the shape of a champagne bottle, but that was the only festive thing about him. His coat hung on him as on a peg; he wore his carrot-coloured hair long and weedy; his cheeks and chin were fully fringed with one of those irritating beards that begin far from the mouth. He was very pale, and he wore blue spectacles.
A shout seemed to shake the very front of the mansions, and two stones flew, one smashing a window above the balcony. The furious Colonel rushed back under the archway, where his cries and thunderous footsteps echoed inside. Every moment, the crowd grew larger, pushing against the rails and steps of the traitor’s house; it was clear the place was about to be stormed like the Bastille when the shattered French window opened and Dr. Hirsch stepped out onto the balcony. For a moment, the anger shifted to laughter; he was such a ridiculous sight in the midst of all this. His long bare neck and sloping shoulders looked like a champagne bottle, but that was the only festive aspect about him. His coat hung on him like it was on a hanger; he wore his carrot-colored hair long and unkempt; his cheeks and chin were covered with one of those annoying beards that start far from the mouth. He looked very pale, and he wore blue glasses.
Livid as he was, he spoke with a sort of prim decision, so that the mob fell silent in the middle of his third sentence.
Livid as he was, he spoke with a kind of cool determination, making the crowd fall silent in the middle of his third sentence.
“...only two things to say to you now. The first is to my foes, the second to my friends. To my foes I say: It is true I will not meet M. Dubosc, though he is storming outside this very room. It is true I have asked two other men to confront him for me. And I will tell you why! Because I will not and must not see him—because it would be against all rules of dignity and honour to see him. Before I am triumphantly cleared before a court, there is another arbitration this gentleman owes me as a gentleman, and in referring him to my seconds I am strictly—”
“...only two things to say to you now. The first is for my enemies, the second for my friends. To my enemies, I say: It's true I won't meet M. Dubosc, even though he's outside this very room, making a scene. It's true I've asked two other men to face him for me. And I'll tell you why! Because I will not and cannot see him—doing so would go against all principles of dignity and honor. Before I'm completely cleared in a court, there's another matter this gentleman owes me as a man, and by referring him to my seconds, I am strictly—”
Armagnac and Brun were waving their hats wildly, and even the Doctor’s enemies roared applause at this unexpected defiance. Once more a few sentences were inaudible, but they could hear him say: “To my friends—I myself should always prefer weapons purely intellectual, and to these an evolved humanity will certainly confine itself. But our own most precious truth is the fundamental force of matter and heredity. My books are successful; my theories are unrefuted; but I suffer in politics from a prejudice almost physical in the French. I cannot speak like Clemenceau and Deroulede, for their words are like echoes of their pistols. The French ask for a duellist as the English ask for a sportsman. Well, I give my proofs: I will pay this barbaric bribe, and then go back to reason for the rest of my life.”
Armagnac and Brun were waving their hats energetically, and even the Doctor’s enemies cheered at this unexpected defiance. Once again, a few sentences were hard to hear, but they caught him saying: “To my friends—I personally would always prefer purely intellectual weapons, and humanity will definitely stick to those in the future. But our most valuable truth is the fundamental power of matter and heredity. My books are successful; my theories remain unchallenged; but in politics, I face a nearly physical prejudice from the French. I can’t speak like Clemenceau and Deroulede because their words echo like their gunshots. The French look for a duelist just as the English look for an athlete. Well, I will provide my evidence: I’ll accept this barbaric bribe, and then return to reason for the rest of my life.”
Two men were instantly found in the crowd itself to offer their services to Colonel Dubosc, who came out presently, satisfied. One was the common soldier with the coffee, who said simply: “I will act for you, sir. I am the Duc de Valognes.” The other was the big man, whom his friend the priest sought at first to dissuade; and then walked away alone.
Two men quickly emerged from the crowd to offer their help to Colonel Dubosc, who soon appeared, looking pleased. One was the soldier serving coffee, who said simply, “I’ll help you, sir. I’m the Duc de Valognes.” The other was the large man, whom his friend the priest initially tried to talk out of it before walking away by himself.
In the early evening a light dinner was spread at the back of the Cafe Charlemagne. Though unroofed by any glass or gilt plaster, the guests were nearly all under a delicate and irregular roof of leaves; for the ornamental trees stood so thick around and among the tables as to give something of the dimness and the dazzle of a small orchard. At one of the central tables a very stumpy little priest sat in complete solitude, and applied himself to a pile of whitebait with the gravest sort of enjoyment. His daily living being very plain, he had a peculiar taste for sudden and isolated luxuries; he was an abstemious epicure. He did not lift his eyes from his plate, round which red pepper, lemons, brown bread and butter, etc., were rigidly ranked, until a tall shadow fell across the table, and his friend Flambeau sat down opposite. Flambeau was gloomy.
In the early evening, a light dinner was laid out at the back of the Cafe Charlemagne. Though there were no glass or fancy plaster coverings, the guests were mostly beneath a delicate, irregular roof of leaves, as the ornamental trees surrounded the tables densely enough to create a mix of dimness and sparkle like a small orchard. At one of the central tables, a very short priest sat alone, focused on a pile of whitebait with an almost serious kind of enjoyment. Living a very simple life, he had a unique appreciation for sudden and solitary luxuries; he was a restrained foodie. He didn’t look up from his plate, where red pepper, lemons, brown bread, and butter were neatly arranged, until a tall shadow fell over the table and his friend Flambeau took a seat across from him. Flambeau seemed gloomy.
“I’m afraid I must chuck this business,” said he heavily. “I’m all on the side of the French soldiers like Dubosc, and I’m all against the French atheists like Hirsch; but it seems to me in this case we’ve made a mistake. The Duke and I thought it as well to investigate the charge, and I must say I’m glad we did.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to drop this whole thing,” he said heavily. “I’m completely on the side of the French soldiers like Dubosc, and I’m totally against the French atheists like Hirsch; but it seems to me we’ve messed up this time. The Duke and I thought it would be wise to look into the accusation, and I have to say I’m glad we did.”
“Is the paper a forgery, then?” asked the priest
“Is the paper fake, then?” asked the priest.
“That’s just the odd thing,” replied Flambeau. “It’s exactly like Hirsch’s writing, and nobody can point out any mistake in it. But it wasn’t written by Hirsch. If he’s a French patriot he didn’t write it, because it gives information to Germany. And if he’s a German spy he didn’t write it, well—because it doesn’t give information to Germany.”
“That’s the strange part,” replied Flambeau. “It’s just like Hirsch’s writing, and no one can find any mistakes in it. But it wasn’t written by Hirsch. If he’s a French patriot, he couldn’t have written it since it shares information with Germany. And if he’s a German spy, he also couldn’t have written it—because it doesn’t share information with Germany.”
“You mean the information is wrong?” asked Father Brown.
“You're saying the information is incorrect?” Father Brown asked.
“Wrong,” replied the other, “and wrong exactly where Dr Hirsch would have been right—about the hiding-place of his own secret formula in his own official department. By favour of Hirsch and the authorities, the Duke and I have actually been allowed to inspect the secret drawer at the War Office where the Hirsch formula is kept. We are the only people who have ever known it, except the inventor himself and the Minister for War; but the Minister permitted it to save Hirsch from fighting. After that we really can’t support Dubosc if his revelation is a mare’s nest.”
“Wrong,” replied the other, “and wrong exactly where Dr. Hirsch would have been right—about the hiding place of his own secret formula in his own official department. Thanks to Hirsch and the authorities, the Duke and I have actually been allowed to see the secret drawer at the War Office where the Hirsch formula is kept. We are the only ones who have ever known about it, except for the inventor himself and the Minister for War; but the Minister allowed it to save Hirsch from fighting. After that, we really can’t support Dubosc if his revelation turns out to be a wild goose chase.”
“And it is?” asked Father Brown.
“And it is?” Father Brown asked.
“It is,” said his friend gloomily. “It is a clumsy forgery by somebody who knew nothing of the real hiding-place. It says the paper is in the cupboard on the right of the Secretary’s desk. As a fact the cupboard with the secret drawer is some way to the left of the desk. It says the grey envelope contains a long document written in red ink. It isn’t written in red ink, but in ordinary black ink. It’s manifestly absurd to say that Hirsch can have made a mistake about a paper that nobody knew of but himself; or can have tried to help a foreign thief by telling him to fumble in the wrong drawer. I think we must chuck it up and apologize to old Carrots.”
“It is,” his friend said gloomily. “It’s a clumsy forgery by someone who knew nothing about the real hiding place. It claims the paper is in the cupboard to the right of the Secretary’s desk. In reality, the cupboard with the secret drawer is situated a bit to the left of the desk. It says the grey envelope contains a long document written in red ink. It’s not written in red ink, but in plain black ink. It’s completely absurd to suggest that Hirsch could have made a mistake about a document that no one knew about except him, or that he would try to help a foreign thief by telling him to search in the wrong drawer. I think we should just give up and apologize to old Carrots.”
Father Brown seemed to cogitate; he lifted a little whitebait on his fork. “You are sure the grey envelope was in the left cupboard?” he asked.
Father Brown appeared to think for a moment; he raised a small piece of whitebait on his fork. “Are you certain the grey envelope was in the left cupboard?” he asked.
“Positive,” replied Flambeau. “The grey envelope—it was a white envelope really—was—”
"Definitely," replied Flambeau. "The grey envelope—it was actually a white envelope—was—"
Father Brown put down the small silver fish and the fork and stared across at his companion. “What?” he asked, in an altered voice.
Father Brown put down the small silver fish and the fork and looked across at his companion. “What?” he asked, in a changed tone.
“Well, what?” repeated Flambeau, eating heartily.
“Well, what?” Flambeau said again, munching away.
“It was not grey,” said the priest. “Flambeau, you frighten me.”
“It wasn't gray,” said the priest. “Flambeau, you're scaring me.”
“What the deuce are you frightened of?”
“What the heck are you scared of?”
“I’m frightened of a white envelope,” said the other seriously, “If it had only just been grey! Hang it all, it might as well have been grey. But if it was white, the whole business is black. The Doctor has been dabbling in some of the old brimstone after all.”
“I’m scared of a white envelope,” said the other seriously. “If it had only been grey! Come on, it might as well have been grey. But if it’s white, then everything is bad. The Doctor has been messing around with some of the old stuff after all.”
“But I tell you he couldn’t have written such a note!” cried Flambeau. “The note is utterly wrong about the facts. And innocent or guilty, Dr Hirsch knew all about the facts.”
“But I’m telling you, he couldn’t have written that note!” Flambeau exclaimed. “The note is completely inaccurate regarding the facts. And whether he’s innocent or guilty, Dr. Hirsch knew everything about the facts.”
“The man who wrote that note knew all about the facts,” said his clerical companion soberly. “He could never have got ‘em so wrong without knowing about ‘em. You have to know an awful lot to be wrong on every subject—like the devil.”
“The guy who wrote that note knew all the details,” said his office mate seriously. “He couldn’t have messed them up that badly without being aware of them. You have to know a ton to be wrong about everything—like the devil.”
“Do you mean—?”
"Are you saying—?"
“I mean a man telling lies on chance would have told some of the truth,” said his friend firmly. “Suppose someone sent you to find a house with a green door and a blue blind, with a front garden but no back garden, with a dog but no cat, and where they drank coffee but not tea. You would say if you found no such house that it was all made up. But I say no. I say if you found a house where the door was blue and the blind green, where there was a back garden and no front garden, where cats were common and dogs instantly shot, where tea was drunk in quarts and coffee forbidden—then you would know you had found the house. The man must have known that particular house to be so accurately inaccurate.”
“I mean, a guy who lies randomly would have told some of the truth,” said his friend firmly. “Imagine someone asked you to find a house with a green door and a blue blind, a front garden but no back garden, a dog but no cat, and where they drank coffee but not tea. If you didn’t find any such house, you’d say it was all made up. But I disagree. I say if you found a house with a blue door and a green blind, where there was a back garden and no front garden, where cats were common and dogs were instantly shot, where tea was drunk in quarts and coffee was forbidden—then you would know you had found the house. The guy must have known that specific house to be so accurately inaccurate.”
“But what could it mean?” demanded the diner opposite.
“But what could it mean?” asked the diner across from him.
“I can’t conceive,” said Brown; “I don’t understand this Hirsch affair at all. As long as it was only the left drawer instead of the right, and red ink instead of black, I thought it must be the chance blunders of a forger, as you say. But three is a mystical number; it finishes things. It finishes this. That the direction about the drawer, the colour of ink, the colour of envelope, should none of them be right by accident, that can’t be a coincidence. It wasn’t.”
“I can’t wrap my head around this,” said Brown. “I just don’t get this Hirsch situation at all. When it was just the left drawer instead of the right, and red ink instead of black, I thought it was just a forger's random mistakes, like you said. But three is a significant number; it completes things. It completes this. The fact that the details about the drawer, the ink color, and the envelope color aren’t right by chance—there’s no way that’s a coincidence. It wasn’t.”
“What was it, then? Treason?” asked Flambeau, resuming his dinner.
“What was it, then? Betrayal?” asked Flambeau, picking up his dinner again.
“I don’t know that either,” answered Brown, with a face of blank bewilderment. “The only thing I can think of.... Well, I never understood that Dreyfus case. I can always grasp moral evidence easier than the other sorts. I go by a man’s eyes and voice, don’t you know, and whether his family seems happy, and by what subjects he chooses—and avoids. Well, I was puzzled in the Dreyfus case. Not by the horrible things imputed both ways; I know (though it’s not modern to say so) that human nature in the highest places is still capable of being Cenci or Borgia. No—, what puzzled me was the sincerity of both parties. I don’t mean the political parties; the rank and file are always roughly honest, and often duped. I mean the persons of the play. I mean the conspirators, if they were conspirators. I mean the traitor, if he was a traitor. I mean the men who must have known the truth. Now Dreyfus went on like a man who knew he was a wronged man. And yet the French statesmen and soldiers went on as if they knew he wasn’t a wronged man but simply a wrong ‘un. I don’t mean they behaved well; I mean they behaved as if they were sure. I can’t describe these things; I know what I mean.”
“I don’t know that either,” Brown replied, looking completely confused. “The only thing I can think of... Well, I never really understood the Dreyfus case. I find it easier to grasp moral evidence than other types. I go by a person’s eyes and voice, you know, and whether their family seems happy, and by which topics they choose to discuss—or avoid. Well, I was baffled by the Dreyfus case. Not by the terrible accusations thrown back and forth; I know (though it’s not popular to say) that human nature in high places can still be as corrupt as Cenci or Borgia. No—what puzzled me was the sincerity of both sides. I don’t mean the political parties; the regular people are usually honest and often misled. I mean the key players in the situation. I mean the conspirators, if they were conspirators. I mean the traitor, if he was a traitor. I mean those who must have known the truth. Now Dreyfus acted like a man who knew he was wronged. Yet the French statesmen and military carried on as if they knew he wasn’t wronged but just a wrongdoer. I don’t mean they acted honorably; I mean they acted like they were certain. I can’t fully explain these feelings; I know what I’m trying to say.”
“I wish I did,” said his friend. “And what has it to do with old Hirsch?”
“I wish I did,” said his friend. “And what does that have to do with old Hirsch?”
“Suppose a person in a position of trust,” went on the priest, “began to give the enemy information because it was false information. Suppose he even thought he was saving his country by misleading the foreigner. Suppose this brought him into spy circles, and little loans were made to him, and little ties tied on to him. Suppose he kept up his contradictory position in a confused way by never telling the foreign spies the truth, but letting it more and more be guessed. The better part of him (what was left of it) would still say: ‘I have not helped the enemy; I said it was the left drawer.’ The meaner part of him would already be saying: ‘But they may have the sense to see that means the right.’ I think it is psychologically possible—in an enlightened age, you know.”
“Imagine someone in a trusted position,” the priest continued, “who starts giving the enemy false information. What if he genuinely believes he's saving his country by misleading them? What if this leads him into spy networks, resulting in small loans and connections being made with him? What if he maintains his conflicting stance by never actually telling the foreign spies the truth, but allowing them to guess more and more? The better part of him (whatever is left) would justify it by saying, ‘I didn’t help the enemy; I said it was the left drawer.’ Meanwhile, the lesser part of him would be thinking, ‘But they might figure out that means the right one.’ I think that’s psychologically possible—in today's enlightened world, you know.”
“It may be psychologically possible,” answered Flambeau, “and it certainly would explain Dreyfus being certain he was wronged and his judges being sure he was guilty. But it won’t wash historically, because Dreyfus’s document (if it was his document) was literally correct.”
“It might be possible psychologically,” Flambeau replied, “and it definitely explains why Dreyfus believed he had been wronged and his judges were convinced he was guilty. But it doesn’t hold up historically, because Dreyfus’s document (if it really was his) was absolutely correct.”
“I wasn’t thinking of Dreyfus,” said Father Brown.
“I wasn't thinking about Dreyfus,” Father Brown said.
Silence had sunk around them with the emptying of the tables; it was already late, though the sunlight still clung to everything, as if accidentally entangled in the trees. In the stillness Flambeau shifted his seat sharply—making an isolated and echoing noise—and threw his elbow over the angle of it. “Well,” he said, rather harshly, “if Hirsch is not better than a timid treason-monger...”
Silence settled around them as the tables were cleared; it was already late, though the sunlight still hung on everything, almost as if it were unintentionally caught in the trees. In the quiet, Flambeau moved his chair suddenly—creating a loud, sharp sound—and rested his elbow on the edge. “Well,” he said, somewhat harshly, “if Hirsch isn’t better than a timid backstabber...”
“You mustn’t be too hard on them,” said Father Brown gently. “It’s not entirely their fault; but they have no instincts. I mean those things that make a woman refuse to dance with a man or a man to touch an investment. They’ve been taught that it’s all a matter of degree.”
“You shouldn’t be too hard on them,” Father Brown said softly. “It’s not completely their fault; they just don’t have any instincts. I’m talking about those feelings that make a woman refuse to dance with a man or a man hesitate to make an investment. They’ve been taught that it’s all about finding a balance.”
“Anyhow,” cried Flambeau impatiently, “he’s not a patch on my principal; and I shall go through with it. Old Dubosc may be a bit mad, but he’s a sort of patriot after all.”
“Anyway,” Flambeau said impatiently, “he’s not even close to my boss; and I’ll see it through. Old Dubosc might be a bit crazy, but he’s kind of a patriot after all.”
Father Brown continued to consume whitebait.
Father Brown kept eating fish.
Something in the stolid way he did so caused Flambeau’s fierce black eyes to ramble over his companion afresh. “What’s the matter with you?” Flambeau demanded. “Dubosc’s all right in that way. You don’t doubt him?”
Something in the solid way he did that made Flambeau’s fierce black eyes scan his companion again. “What’s wrong with you?” Flambeau asked. “Dubosc is fine that way. You don’t doubt him?”
“My friend,” said the small priest, laying down his knife and fork in a kind of cold despair, “I doubt everything. Everything, I mean, that has happened today. I doubt the whole story, though it has been acted before my face. I doubt every sight that my eyes have seen since morning. There is something in this business quite different from the ordinary police mystery where one man is more or less lying and the other man more or less telling the truth. Here both men.... Well! I’ve told you the only theory I can think of that could satisfy anybody. It doesn’t satisfy me.”
“My friend,” said the small priest, setting down his knife and fork in a kind of cold despair, “I doubt everything. Everything that happened today. I doubt the whole story, even though I witnessed it. I doubt every sight my eyes have seen since morning. There’s something in this situation that feels completely different from a typical police mystery where one person is lying and the other is telling the truth. Here both men... Well! I’ve shared the only theory I can come up with that might satisfy anyone. It doesn’t satisfy me.”
“Nor me either,” replied Flambeau frowning, while the other went on eating fish with an air of entire resignation. “If all you can suggest is that notion of a message conveyed by contraries, I call it uncommonly clever, but...well, what would you call it?”
“Me neither,” Flambeau replied, frowning, while the other continued eating fish with complete resignation. “If all you can suggest is that idea of a message conveyed by opposites, I think it’s pretty clever, but...what would you call it?”
“I should call it thin,” said the priest promptly. “I should call it uncommonly thin. But that’s the queer thing about the whole business. The lie is like a schoolboy’s. There are only three versions, Dubosc’s and Hirsch’s and that fancy of mine. Either that note was written by a French officer to ruin a French official; or it was written by the French official to help German officers; or it was written by the French official to mislead German officers. Very well. You’d expect a secret paper passing between such people, officials or officers, to look quite different from that. You’d expect, probably a cipher, certainly abbreviations; most certainly scientific and strictly professional terms. But this thing’s elaborately simple, like a penny dreadful: ‘In the purple grotto you will find the golden casket.’ It looks as if... as if it were meant to be seen through at once.”
“I'd call it thin,” the priest said immediately. “I'd call it unusually thin. But that's the strange thing about the whole situation. The lie is like something a schoolboy would tell. There are only three versions: Dubosc’s, Hirsch’s, and my own idea. Either that note was written by a French officer to frame a French official; or it was written by the French official to assist German officers; or it was written by the French official to mislead German officers. So, you’d expect a secret document exchanged between such people, whether officials or officers, to look quite different from this. You’d expect probably a cipher, definitely some abbreviations; definitely scientific and very professional terms. But this thing is elaborately simple, like a cheap novel: ‘In the purple grotto you will find the golden casket.’ It looks as if... as if it were meant to be understood immediately.”
Almost before they could take it in a short figure in French uniform had walked up to their table like the wind, and sat down with a sort of thump.
Almost before they could process it, a small figure in a French uniform had rushed over to their table and sat down with a noticeable thud.
“I have extraordinary news,” said the Duc de Valognes. “I have just come from this Colonel of ours. He is packing up to leave the country, and he asks us to make his excuses sur le terrain.”
“I have amazing news,” said the Duc de Valognes. “I just came from our Colonel. He’s getting ready to leave the country, and he wants us to cover for him on the ground.”
“What?” cried Flambeau, with an incredulity quite frightful—“apologize?”
“What?” cried Flambeau, with an incredibly shocked expression—“apologize?”
“Yes,” said the Duke gruffly; “then and there—before everybody—when the swords are drawn. And you and I have to do it while he is leaving the country.”
“Yes,” the Duke replied roughly; “right then—out in the open—when the swords are drawn. And you and I need to handle it while he’s leaving the country.”
“But what can this mean?” cried Flambeau. “He can’t be afraid of that little Hirsch! Confound it!” he cried, in a kind of rational rage; “nobody could be afraid of Hirsch!”
“But what does this even mean?” Flambeau exclaimed. “He can’t be scared of that little Hirsch! Seriously!” he shouted, in a sort of logical frustration; “nobody could be scared of Hirsch!”
“I believe it’s some plot!” snapped Valognes—“some plot of the Jews and Freemasons. It’s meant to work up glory for Hirsch...”
“I think it’s some kind of conspiracy!” snapped Valognes—“some scheme by the Jews and Freemasons. It’s meant to create glory for Hirsch...”
The face of Father Brown was commonplace, but curiously contented; it could shine with ignorance as well as with knowledge. But there was always one flash when the foolish mask fell, and the wise mask fitted itself in its place; and Flambeau, who knew his friend, knew that his friend had suddenly understood. Brown said nothing, but finished his plate of fish.
Father Brown's face was ordinary, yet oddly satisfied; it could radiate ignorance just as easily as it could show knowledge. But there was always a moment when the silly facade dropped, and the wise persona took its place; Flambeau, who understood his friend, realized that Father Brown had suddenly grasped something. Brown said nothing and just finished his plate of fish.
“Where did you last see our precious Colonel?” asked Flambeau, irritably.
“Where did you last see our dear Colonel?” Flambeau asked, annoyed.
“He’s round at the Hotel Saint Louis by the Elysee, where we drove with him. He’s packing up, I tell you.”
“He's at the Hotel Saint Louis by the Elysee, where we drove him. He's getting ready to leave, I’m telling you.”
“Will he be there still, do you think?” asked Flambeau, frowning at the table.
“Do you think he'll still be there?” Flambeau asked, frowning at the table.
“I don’t think he can get away yet,” replied the Duke; “he’s packing to go a long journey...”
“I don’t think he can leave just yet,” replied the Duke; “he’s getting ready for a long trip...”
“No,” said Father Brown, quite simply, but suddenly standing up, “for a very short journey. For one of the shortest, in fact. But we may still be in time to catch him if we go there in a motor-cab.”
“No,” Father Brown said simply, suddenly standing up, “for a very short trip. In fact, one of the shortest. But we might still make it to catch him if we take a taxi.”
Nothing more could be got out of him until the cab swept round the corner by the Hotel Saint Louis, where they got out, and he led the party up a side lane already in deep shadow with the growing dusk. Once, when the Duke impatiently asked whether Hirsch was guilty of treason or not, he answered rather absently: “No; only of ambition—like Caesar.” Then he somewhat inconsequently added: “He lives a very lonely life; he has had to do everything for himself.”
Nothing more could be gotten from him until the cab turned the corner by the Hotel Saint Louis, where they got out, and he led the group up a side lane already deep in shadow from the approaching dusk. Once, when the Duke impatiently asked if Hirsch was guilty of treason, he answered somewhat absentmindedly, “No; just ambitious—like Caesar.” Then he added, somewhat off-topic, “He lives a very lonely life; he’s had to do everything on his own.”
“Well, if he’s ambitious, he ought to be satisfied now,” said Flambeau rather bitterly. “All Paris will cheer him now our cursed Colonel has turned tail.”
“Well, if he’s ambitious, he should be satisfied now,” Flambeau said rather bitterly. “All of Paris will cheer him now that our cursed Colonel has backed down.”
“Don’t talk so loud,” said Father Brown, lowering his voice, “your cursed Colonel is just in front.”
“Don’t talk so loud,” Father Brown said, lowering his voice, “your annoying Colonel is right in front.”
The other two started and shrank farther back into the shadow of the wall, for the sturdy figure of their runaway principal could indeed be seen shuffling along in the twilight in front, a bag in each hand. He looked much the same as when they first saw him, except that he had changed his picturesque mountaineering knickers for a conventional pair of trousers. It was clear he was already escaping from the hotel.
The other two flinched and pressed further into the shadow of the wall, because the solid figure of their escaped principal could be seen trudging along in the dim light up ahead, a bag in each hand. He looked pretty much the same as when they first spotted him, except that he had swapped his stylish mountaineering shorts for a regular pair of pants. It was obvious he was already trying to escape from the hotel.
The lane down which they followed him was one of those that seem to be at the back of things, and look like the wrong side of the stage scenery. A colourless, continuous wall ran down one flank of it, interrupted at intervals by dull-hued and dirt-stained doors, all shut fast and featureless save for the chalk scribbles of some passing gamin. The tops of trees, mostly rather depressing evergreens, showed at intervals over the top of the wall, and beyond them in the grey and purple gloaming could be seen the back of some long terrace of tall Parisian houses, really comparatively close, but somehow looking as inaccessible as a range of marble mountains. On the other side of the lane ran the high gilt railings of a gloomy park.
The path they followed him down was one of those that seems to be behind everything, like the back of a theater set. A dull, featureless wall lined one side, interrupted now and then by grimy, colorless doors, all tightly shut and lacking any personality except for the chalk drawings left by some passing kid. The tops of trees, mostly sad-looking evergreens, peeked over the wall at intervals, and beyond them, in the gray and purple twilight, you could see the back of a long row of tall Parisian houses, which were actually pretty close but somehow looked as unreachable as a range of marble mountains. On the opposite side of the lane were the high, gold railings of a dark park.
Flambeau was looking round him in rather a weird way. “Do you know,” he said, “there is something about this place that—”
Flambeau was looking around in a strange way. “You know,” he said, “there’s something about this place that—”
“Hullo!” called out the Duke sharply; “that fellow’s disappeared. Vanished, like a blasted fairy!”
“Halo!” the Duke called out sharply; “that guy’s disappeared. Vanished, like a damn fairy!”
“He has a key,” explained their clerical friend. “He’s only gone into one of these garden doors,” and as he spoke they heard one of the dull wooden doors close again with a click in front of them.
“He has a key,” their office friend explained. “He just went through one of these garden doors,” and as he spoke, they heard one of the heavy wooden doors close again with a click in front of them.
Flambeau strode up to the door thus shut almost in his face, and stood in front of it for a moment, biting his black moustache in a fury of curiosity. Then he threw up his long arms and swung himself aloft like a monkey and stood on the top of the wall, his enormous figure dark against the purple sky, like the dark tree-tops.
Flambeau walked up to the door that was nearly closed in his face and paused for a moment, biting his black mustache in a rage of curiosity. Then he threw his long arms up and pulled himself up like a monkey, standing on top of the wall, his huge figure silhouetted against the purple sky, like the dark treetops.
The Duke looked at the priest. “Dubosc’s escape is more elaborate than we thought,” he said; “but I suppose he is escaping from France.”
The Duke turned to the priest. “Dubosc's escape is more complicated than we thought,” he said; “but I guess he’s getting away from France.”
“He is escaping from everywhere,” answered Father Brown.
“He's escaping from everywhere,” replied Father Brown.
Valognes’s eyes brightened, but his voice sank. “Do you mean suicide?” he asked.
Valognes's eyes lit up, but his voice dropped. "Are you talking about suicide?" he asked.
“You will not find his body,” replied the other.
“You won't find his body,” replied the other.
A kind of cry came from Flambeau on the wall above. “My God,” he exclaimed in French, “I know what this place is now! Why, it’s the back of the street where old Hirsch lives. I thought I could recognize the back of a house as well as the back of a man.”
A shout came from Flambeau on the wall above. “Oh my God,” he exclaimed in French, “I know what this place is now! It’s the back of the street where old Hirsch lives. I figured I could recognize the back of a house just as easily as the back of a person.”
“And Dubosc’s gone in there!” cried the Duke, smiting his hip. “Why, they’ll meet after all!” And with sudden Gallic vivacity he hopped up on the wall beside Flambeau and sat there positively kicking his legs with excitement. The priest alone remained below, leaning against the wall, with his back to the whole theatre of events, and looking wistfully across to the park palings and the twinkling, twilit trees.
“And Dubosc's gone in there!” the Duke exclaimed, slapping his hip. “Well, they’re going to meet after all!” With a burst of energy, he jumped up on the wall beside Flambeau and sat there kicking his legs with excitement. The priest was the only one who stayed below, leaning against the wall with his back turned to everything happening, gazing longingly at the park fence and the shimmering twilight trees.
The Duke, however stimulated, had the instincts of an aristocrat, and desired rather to stare at the house than to spy on it; but Flambeau, who had the instincts of a burglar (and a detective), had already swung himself from the wall into the fork of a straggling tree from which he could crawl quite close to the only illuminated window in the back of the high dark house. A red blind had been pulled down over the light, but pulled crookedly, so that it gaped on one side, and by risking his neck along a branch that looked as treacherous as a twig, Flambeau could just see Colonel Dubosc walking about in a brilliantly-lighted and luxurious bedroom. But close as Flambeau was to the house, he heard the words of his colleagues by the wall, and repeated them in a low voice.
The Duke, while intrigued, had the instincts of an aristocrat and preferred to gaze at the house rather than snoop around it. But Flambeau, who had the instincts of both a burglar and a detective, had already swung himself from the wall into the split of a scraggly tree, allowing him to crawl closer to the only lit window at the back of the tall, dark house. A red blind had been pulled down over the light but was askew, leaving a gap on one side. By precariously risking his balance on a branch that looked about as stable as a twig, Flambeau could just make out Colonel Dubosc pacing around in a lavishly lit and luxurious bedroom. Despite being so close to the house, he could still hear the words of his colleagues by the wall, which he echoed back in a hushed voice.
“Yes, they will meet now after all!”
“Yes, they’re finally going to meet now!”
“They will never meet,” said Father Brown. “Hirsch was right when he said that in such an affair the principals must not meet. Have you read a queer psychological story by Henry James, of two persons who so perpetually missed meeting each other by accident that they began to feel quite frightened of each other, and to think it was fate? This is something of the kind, but more curious.”
“They will never meet,” said Father Brown. “Hirsch was right when he said that in a situation like this, the main people involved shouldn’t meet. Have you read that strange psychological story by Henry James about two people who constantly missed each other by chance to the point where they started to feel really uneasy about it and thought it was fate? This is a bit like that, but even more intriguing.”
“There are people in Paris who will cure them of such morbid fancies,” said Valognes vindictively. “They will jolly well have to meet if we capture them and force them to fight.”
“There are people in Paris who can help get rid of those dark thoughts,” said Valognes with a sneer. “They better be prepared to face each other if we catch them and make them fight.”
“They will not meet on the Day of Judgement,” said the priest. “If God Almighty held the truncheon of the lists, if St Michael blew the trumpet for the swords to cross—even then, if one of them stood ready, the other would not come.”
“They won’t meet on Judgment Day,” said the priest. “Even if God Almighty held the scepter of the arena, and St. Michael blew the trumpet for the battle to begin—even then, if one of them was ready, the other wouldn’t show up.”
“Oh, what does all this mysticism mean?” cried the Duc de Valognes, impatiently; “why on earth shouldn’t they meet like other people?”
“Oh, what does all this mysticism even mean?” cried the Duc de Valognes, impatiently; “why the heck shouldn’t they meet like everyone else?”
“They are the opposite of each other,” said Father Brown, with a queer kind of smile. “They contradict each other. They cancel out, so to speak.”
“They're the opposite of each other,” Father Brown said with a strange kind of smile. “They contradict each other. They cancel each other out, so to speak.”
He continued to gaze at the darkening trees opposite, but Valognes turned his head sharply at a suppressed exclamation from Flambeau. That investigator, peering into the lighted room, had just seen the Colonel, after a pace or two, proceed to take his coat off. Flambeau’s first thought was that this really looked like a fight; but he soon dropped the thought for another. The solidity and squareness of Dubosc’s chest and shoulders was all a powerful piece of padding and came off with his coat. In his shirt and trousers he was a comparatively slim gentleman, who walked across the bedroom to the bathroom with no more pugnacious purpose than that of washing himself. He bent over a basin, dried his dripping hands and face on a towel, and turned again so that the strong light fell on his face. His brown complexion had gone, his big black moustache had gone; he—was clean-shaven and very pate. Nothing remained of the Colonel but his bright, hawk-like, brown eyes. Under the wall Father Brown was going on in heavy meditation, as if to himself.
He kept staring at the darkening trees across from him, but Valognes suddenly turned his head at a muffled exclamation from Flambeau. The investigator, peering into the lit room, had just noticed the Colonel take off his coat after a step or two. Flambeau’s first thought was that it really looked like a fight was about to happen; but he quickly changed his mind. The solid, square build of Dubosc’s chest and shoulders was just a lot of padding that came off with his coat. In his shirt and trousers, he looked like a relatively slim man, walking across the bedroom to the bathroom with no more aggressive intent than freshening up. He leaned over a sink, dried his wet hands and face with a towel, and turned again to let the bright light illuminate his face. His tan complexion was gone, his big black mustache was gone; he—was clean-shaven and quite bald. The only thing left of the Colonel were his sharp, hawk-like, brown eyes. Meanwhile, Father Brown was deep in thought under the wall, almost as if he were speaking to himself.
“It is all just like what I was saying to Flambeau. These opposites won’t do. They don’t work. They don’t fight. If it’s white instead of black, and solid instead of liquid, and so on all along the line—then there’s something wrong, Monsieur, there’s something wrong. One of these men is fair and the other dark, one stout and the other slim, one strong and the other weak. One has a moustache and no beard, so you can’t see his mouth; the other has a beard and no moustache, so you can’t see his chin. One has hair cropped to his skull, but a scarf to hide his neck; the other has low shirt-collars, but long hair to bide his skull. It’s all too neat and correct, Monsieur, and there’s something wrong. Things made so opposite are things that cannot quarrel. Wherever the one sticks out the other sinks in. Like a face and a mask, like a lock and a key...”
“It’s just like I was telling Flambeau. These opposites don’t work. They don’t clash. If it’s white instead of black, and solid instead of liquid, and so on down the line—then something’s off, Monsieur, something’s off. One of these men is light and the other is dark, one is heavy and the other is thin, one is strong and the other is weak. One has a moustache with no beard, so you can’t see his mouth; the other has a beard and no moustache, so you can’t see his chin. One has his hair shaved close to his head, but wears a scarf to cover his neck; the other has low shirt collars but long hair to cover his skull. It’s all too tidy and proper, Monsieur, and something’s off. Things so opposite can’t really argue. Wherever one part sticks out, the other part sinks in. Like a face and a mask, like a lock and a key...”
Flambeau was peering into the house with a visage as white as a sheet. The occupant of the room was standing with his back to him, but in front of a looking-glass, and had already fitted round his face a sort of framework of rank red hair, hanging disordered from the head and clinging round the jaws and chin while leaving the mocking mouth uncovered. Seen thus in the glass the white face looked like the face of Judas laughing horribly and surrounded by capering flames of hell. For a spasm Flambeau saw the fierce, red-brown eyes dancing, then they were covered with a pair of blue spectacles. Slipping on a loose black coat, the figure vanished towards the front of the house. A few moments later a roar of popular applause from the street beyond announced that Dr Hirsch had once more appeared upon the balcony.
Flambeau was peering into the house, his face as pale as a ghost. The person inside was standing with his back to him, in front of a mirror, and had already fitted a messy frame of bright red hair around his face, tousled from his head and sticking to his jaw and chin, leaving his mocking mouth exposed. Seen this way in the mirror, the white face resembled Judas laughing grotesquely, surrounded by the flickering flames of hell. For a moment, Flambeau saw the fierce, reddish-brown eyes dancing, then they were hidden behind a pair of blue glasses. After putting on a loose black coat, the figure disappeared towards the front of the house. A few moments later, the sound of applause from the street outside announced that Dr. Hirsch had once again appeared on the balcony.
FOUR — The Man in the Passage
TWO men appeared simultaneously at the two ends of a sort of passage running along the side of the Apollo Theatre in the Adelphi. The evening daylight in the streets was large and luminous, opalescent and empty. The passage was comparatively long and dark, so each man could see the other as a mere black silhouette at the other end. Nevertheless, each man knew the other, even in that inky outline; for they were both men of striking appearance and they hated each other.
TWO men showed up at the same time at either end of a passage next to the Apollo Theatre in the Adelphi. The evening daylight outside was bright and shining, colorful and deserted. The passage was relatively long and dark, so each man could only see the other as a dark silhouette at the far end. However, each man recognized the other, even in that shadowy figure; they were both strikingly handsome and they despised each other.
The covered passage opened at one end on one of the steep streets of the Adelphi, and at the other on a terrace overlooking the sunset-coloured river. One side of the passage was a blank wall, for the building it supported was an old unsuccessful theatre restaurant, now shut up. The other side of the passage contained two doors, one at each end. Neither was what was commonly called the stage door; they were a sort of special and private stage doors used by very special performers, and in this case by the star actor and actress in the Shakespearean performance of the day. Persons of that eminence often like to have such private exits and entrances, for meeting friends or avoiding them.
The covered walkway opened at one end onto one of the steep streets of the Adelphi and at the other end onto a terrace that overlooked the sunset-colored river. One side of the walkway was a blank wall because the building it supported was an old, unsuccessful theater restaurant that was now closed. The other side of the walkway had two doors, one at each end. Neither was what you would usually call the stage door; they were kind of special, private stage doors used by very important performers, in this case, the leading actor and actress in that day's Shakespearean performance. People of that status often prefer to have such private entrances and exits to meet friends or avoid them.
The two men in question were certainly two such friends, men who evidently knew the doors and counted on their opening, for each approached the door at the upper end with equal coolness and confidence. Not, however, with equal speed; but the man who walked fast was the man from the other end of the tunnel, so they both arrived before the secret stage door almost at the same instant. They saluted each other with civility, and waited a moment before one of them, the sharper walker who seemed to have the shorter patience, knocked at the door.
The two men in question were definitely good friends, guys who clearly knew the doors and expected them to open. Each approached the door at the top with the same calmness and confidence. However, they didn't move at the same speed; the man walking quickly was coming from the other end of the tunnel, so they both reached the secret stage door almost at the same time. They greeted each other politely and paused for a moment before one of them, the faster walker who appeared to have less patience, knocked on the door.
In this and everything else each man was opposite and neither could be called inferior. As private persons both were handsome, capable and popular. As public persons, both were in the first public rank. But everything about them, from their glory to their good looks, was of a diverse and incomparable kind. Sir Wilson Seymour was the kind of man whose importance is known to everybody who knows. The more you mixed with the innermost ring in every polity or profession, the more often you met Sir Wilson Seymour. He was the one intelligent man on twenty unintelligent committees—on every sort of subject, from the reform of the Royal Academy to the project of bimetallism for Greater Britain. In the Arts especially he was omnipotent. He was so unique that nobody could quite decide whether he was a great aristocrat who had taken up Art, or a great artist whom the aristocrats had taken up. But you could not meet him for five minutes without realizing that you had really been ruled by him all your life.
In this and everything else, each man was different, and neither could be considered inferior. As individuals, both were attractive, capable, and well-liked. In public life, both held top positions. However, everything about them, from their achievements to their appearances, was distinctly unique and incomparable. Sir Wilson Seymour was the type of person whose significance is clear to anyone who knows him. The more you interacted with the inner circle of any political or professional sphere, the more likely you were to encounter Sir Wilson Seymour. He was the only smart person among twenty not-so-bright committees—on topics ranging from reforming the Royal Academy to the bimetallism proposal for Greater Britain. Particularly in the Arts, he held immense power. He was so exceptional that no one could quite figure out if he was a prominent aristocrat who had embraced art or a talented artist who had been embraced by the aristocrats. But you couldn’t spend five minutes with him without realizing that he had really influenced your life all along.
His appearance was “distinguished” in exactly the same sense; it was at once conventional and unique. Fashion could have found no fault with his high silk hat—, yet it was unlike anyone else’s hat—a little higher, perhaps, and adding something to his natural height. His tall, slender figure had a slight stoop yet it looked the reverse of feeble. His hair was silver-grey, but he did not look old; it was worn longer than the common yet he did not look effeminate; it was curly but it did not look curled. His carefully pointed beard made him look more manly and militant than otherwise, as it does in those old admirals of Velazquez with whose dark portraits his house was hung. His grey gloves were a shade bluer, his silver-knobbed cane a shade longer than scores of such gloves and canes flapped and flourished about the theatres and the restaurants.
His appearance was “distinguished” in the same way; it was both conventional and unique. Fashion could find no fault with his high silk hat—but it was different from anyone else’s hat—maybe a little taller, adding to his natural height. His tall, slender figure had a slight stoop, yet it didn’t look weak. His hair was silver-grey, but he didn’t seem old; it was longer than usual but didn’t look feminine; it was curly but didn’t appear curled. His carefully pointed beard made him look more masculine and commanding, like those old admirals in Velazquez’s dark portraits that decorated his house. His grey gloves were a bit bluer, and his silver-knobbed cane was a bit longer than the dozens of similar gloves and canes that were waved around the theaters and restaurants.
The other man was not so tall, yet would have struck nobody as short, but merely as strong and handsome. His hair also was curly, but fair and cropped close to a strong, massive head—the sort of head you break a door with, as Chaucer said of the Miller’s. His military moustache and the carriage of his shoulders showed him a soldier, but he had a pair of those peculiar frank and piercing blue eyes which are more common in sailors. His face was somewhat square, his jaw was square, his shoulders were square, even his jacket was square. Indeed, in the wild school of caricature then current, Mr Max Beerbohm had represented him as a proposition in the fourth book of Euclid.
The other guy wasn’t very tall, but he didn’t come off as short—just strong and good-looking. His hair was curly, too, but light and cut short around a strong, solid head—like the kind of head you’d use to break down a door, as Chaucer said about the Miller’s. His military mustache and the way he carried his shoulders made it clear he was a soldier, but he also had those strikingly open and intense blue eyes that are more typical of sailors. His face was kind of square, his jaw was square, his shoulders were square, and even his jacket was square. In fact, during that time of exaggerated caricature, Mr. Max Beerbohm portrayed him as a geometric figure from the fourth book of Euclid.
For he also was a public man, though with quite another sort of success. You did not have to be in the best society to have heard of Captain Cutler, of the siege of Hong-Kong, and the great march across China. You could not get away from hearing of him wherever you were; his portrait was on every other postcard; his maps and battles in every other illustrated paper; songs in his honour in every other music-hall turn or on every other barrel-organ. His fame, though probably more temporary, was ten times more wide, popular and spontaneous than the other man’s. In thousands of English homes he appeared enormous above England, like Nelson. Yet he had infinitely less power in England than Sir Wilson Seymour.
For he was also a public figure, but in a very different way. You didn’t have to be part of the elite to know about Captain Cutler, the one from the Hong Kong siege and the epic march across China. You couldn’t escape hearing about him no matter where you were; his picture was on every other postcard, his maps and battles were featured in practically every illustrated magazine, and there were songs about him in nearly every music hall or on every other street organ. His fame, though likely more fleeting, was ten times more widespread, popular, and spontaneous than the other guy’s. In thousands of English homes, he loomed large over England, much like Nelson. Yet he had far less influence in England than Sir Wilson Seymour.
The door was opened to them by an aged servant or “dresser”, whose broken-down face and figure and black shabby coat and trousers contrasted queerly with the glittering interior of the great actress’s dressing-room. It was fitted and filled with looking-glasses at every angle of refraction, so that they looked like the hundred facets of one huge diamond—if one could get inside a diamond. The other features of luxury, a few flowers, a few coloured cushions, a few scraps of stage costume, were multiplied by all the mirrors into the madness of the Arabian Nights, and danced and changed places perpetually as the shuffling attendant shifted a mirror outwards or shot one back against the wall.
The door was opened for them by an old servant or “dresser,” whose worn-out face and body, along with his tattered black coat and trousers, looked oddly out of place against the sparkling interior of the famous actress’s dressing room. It was lined with mirrors at every angle, reflecting light like the many facets of a giant diamond—if you could somehow get inside a diamond. The other signs of luxury, like a few flowers, some colorful cushions, and bits of stage costume, were multiplied by the mirrors into a chaotic scene reminiscent of the Arabian Nights, constantly shifting and changing positions as the shuffling attendant adjusted a mirror outward or pushed one back against the wall.
They both spoke to the dingy dresser by name, calling him Parkinson, and asking for the lady as Miss Aurora Rome. Parkinson said she was in the other room, but he would go and tell her. A shade crossed the brow of both visitors; for the other room was the private room of the great actor with whom Miss Aurora was performing, and she was of the kind that does not inflame admiration without inflaming jealousy. In about half a minute, however, the inner door opened, and she entered as she always did, even in private life, so that the very silence seemed to be a roar of applause, and one well-deserved. She was clad in a somewhat strange garb of peacock green and peacock blue satins, that gleamed like blue and green metals, such as delight children and aesthetes, and her heavy, hot brown hair framed one of those magic faces which are dangerous to all men, but especially to boys and to men growing grey. In company with her male colleague, the great American actor, Isidore Bruno, she was producing a particularly poetical and fantastic interpretation of Midsummer Night’s Dream: in which the artistic prominence was given to Oberon and Titania, or in other words to Bruno and herself. Set in dreamy and exquisite scenery, and moving in mystical dances, the green costume, like burnished beetle-wings, expressed all the elusive individuality of an elfin queen. But when personally confronted in what was still broad daylight, a man looked only at the woman’s face.
They both addressed the shabby dresser by name, calling him Parkinson, and inquired about the lady known as Miss Aurora Rome. Parkinson replied that she was in the other room, but he would go let her know. A glance passed between the two visitors; the other room was the private space of the famous actor with whom Miss Aurora was performing, and she had a way of stirring admiration that also sparked jealousy. After about half a minute, though, the inner door opened, and she appeared as she always did, even in private life, making the very silence feel like a thunderous applause—well-earned, indeed. She was dressed in a somewhat unusual outfit of peacock green and blue satins, which shimmered like blue and green metals, captivating both children and art lovers. Her thick, dark brown hair framed one of those enchanting faces that can mesmerize all men, but especially boys and older men. Alongside her male partner, the illustrious American actor Isidore Bruno, she was putting on a particularly poetic and imaginative version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, focusing artistically on Oberon and Titania, or in other words, on Bruno and herself. Set against dreamy and exquisite backdrops, and moving in mystical dances, her green costume, reminiscent of shiny beetle wings, embodied the elusive uniqueness of an elfin queen. Yet when confronted in the clear light of day, a man could only gaze at her face.
She greeted both men with the beaming and baffling smile which kept so many males at the same just dangerous distance from her. She accepted some flowers from Cutler, which were as tropical and expensive as his victories; and another sort of present from Sir Wilson Seymour, offered later on and more nonchalantly by that gentleman. For it was against his breeding to show eagerness, and against his conventional unconventionality to give anything so obvious as flowers. He had picked up a trifle, he said, which was rather a curiosity, it was an ancient Greek dagger of the Mycenaean Epoch, and might well have been worn in the time of Theseus and Hippolyta. It was made of brass like all the Heroic weapons, but, oddly enough, sharp enough to prick anyone still. He had really been attracted to it by the leaf-like shape; it was as perfect as a Greek vase. If it was of any interest to Miss Rome or could come in anywhere in the play, he hoped she would—
She greeted both men with a bright and puzzling smile that kept so many guys at just the right, risky distance from her. She took some flowers from Cutler, which were as exotic and pricey as his triumphs; and another kind of gift from Sir Wilson Seymour, who offered it later on in a more laid-back way. It was against his upbringing to show excitement, and against his usual unconventional nature to give something as blatant as flowers. He mentioned that he had picked up a little something, which was quite a curiosity—a really old Greek dagger from the Mycenaean period, possibly carried in the time of Theseus and Hippolyta. It was made of brass like all heroic weapons, but oddly enough, still sharp enough to prick anyone. He was actually drawn to it because of its leaf-like shape; it was as flawless as a Greek vase. If it was of any interest to Miss Rome or could fit into the play, he hoped she would—
The inner door burst open and a big figure appeared, who was more of a contrast to the explanatory Seymour than even Captain Cutler. Nearly six-foot-six, and of more than theatrical thews and muscles, Isidore Bruno, in the gorgeous leopard skin and golden-brown garments of Oberon, looked like a barbaric god. He leaned on a sort of hunting-spear, which across a theatre looked a slight, silvery wand, but which in the small and comparatively crowded room looked as plain as a pike-staff—and as menacing. His vivid black eyes rolled volcanically, his bronzed face, handsome as it was, showed at that moment a combination of high cheekbones with set white teeth, which recalled certain American conjectures about his origin in the Southern plantations.
The inner door swung open, and a large figure stepped in, providing an even bigger contrast to the explanatory Seymour than Captain Cutler did. Standing nearly six-foot-six and built like a theatrical muscleman, Isidore Bruno, dressed in elaborate leopard skin and golden-brown attire like Oberon, looked like a primitive god. He leaned on a hunting spear that appeared like a delicate silver wand across a theater but in the small, relatively crowded room looked as plain as a pike staff—and just as threatening. His striking black eyes rolled dramatically, and his bronzed face, handsome as it was, displayed a mix of high cheekbones and set white teeth, sparking certain American speculations about his roots in the Southern plantations.
“Aurora,” he began, in that deep voice like a drum of passion that had moved so many audiences, “will you—”
“Aurora,” he began, in that deep voice like a drum of passion that had captivated so many audiences, “will you—”
He stopped indecisively because a sixth figure had suddenly presented itself just inside the doorway—a figure so incongruous in the scene as to be almost comic. It was a very short man in the black uniform of the Roman secular clergy, and looking (especially in such a presence as Bruno’s and Aurora’s) rather like the wooden Noah out of an ark. He did not, however, seem conscious of any contrast, but said with dull civility: “I believe Miss Rome sent for me.”
He paused uncertainly because a sixth person had suddenly appeared just inside the doorway—a person so out of place that it was almost funny. It was a very short man in the black uniform of the Roman secular clergy, looking (especially in the presence of Bruno and Aurora) quite like a wooden Noah from an ark. He didn't seem aware of any contrast, though, and said with flat politeness: “I believe Miss Rome sent for me.”
A shrewd observer might have remarked that the emotional temperature rather rose at so unemotional an interruption. The detachment of a professional celibate seemed to reveal to the others that they stood round the woman as a ring of amorous rivals; just as a stranger coming in with frost on his coat will reveal that a room is like a furnace. The presence of the one man who did not care about her increased Miss Rome’s sense that everybody else was in love with her, and each in a somewhat dangerous way: the actor with all the appetite of a savage and a spoilt child; the soldier with all the simple selfishness of a man of will rather than mind; Sir Wilson with that daily hardening concentration with which old Hedonists take to a hobby; nay, even the abject Parkinson, who had known her before her triumphs, and who followed her about the room with eyes or feet, with the dumb fascination of a dog.
A keen observer might have noted that the emotional tension heightened from such an unemotional interruption. The detachment of a professional celibate seemed to make it clear to everyone else that they were gathered around the woman as a circle of romantic rivals; much like how a stranger entering with frost on his coat would show that a room is like a furnace. The presence of the one man who didn’t care about her amplified Miss Rome’s feeling that everyone else was in love with her, and each in a somewhat risky way: the actor with the raw desire of a savage and a spoiled child; the soldier with the straightforward selfishness of a decisive man rather than an intellectual one; Sir Wilson with that daily hardened focus that seasoned Hedonists develop for a hobby; even the pitiful Parkinson, who had known her before her successes, and who followed her around the room with eyes or feet, gripped by the mute fascination of a dog.
A shrewd person might also have noted a yet odder thing. The man like a black wooden Noah (who was not wholly without shrewdness) noted it with a considerable but contained amusement. It was evident that the great Aurora, though by no means indifferent to the admiration of the other sex, wanted at this moment to get rid of all the men who admired her and be left alone with the man who did not—did not admire her in that sense at least; for the little priest did admire and even enjoy the firm feminine diplomacy with which she set about her task. There was, perhaps, only one thing that Aurora Rome was clever about, and that was one half of humanity—the other half. The little priest watched, like a Napoleonic campaign, the swift precision of her policy for expelling all while banishing none. Bruno, the big actor, was so babyish that it was easy to send him off in brute sulks, banging the door. Cutler, the British officer, was pachydermatous to ideas, but punctilious about behaviour. He would ignore all hints, but he would die rather than ignore a definite commission from a lady. As to old Seymour, he had to be treated differently; he had to be left to the last. The only way to move him was to appeal to him in confidence as an old friend, to let him into the secret of the clearance. The priest did really admire Miss Rome as she achieved all these three objects in one selected action.
A sharp observer might have noticed something even stranger. The man, like a black wooden Noah (who wasn’t completely lacking in shrewdness), took note of it with a significant but restrained amusement. It was clear that the great Aurora, while definitely not indifferent to the admiration of men, wanted to rid herself of all the guys who admired her at that moment and be left alone with the one who didn’t—at least not in that way; because the little priest did admire and even appreciated the strong, feminine strategy she used to accomplish her goal. Perhaps there was only one thing Aurora Rome was skilled at, and that was understanding one half of humanity—the other half. The little priest watched, like a military campaign, the swift precision of her tactics for getting rid of everyone without actually dismissing anyone. Bruno, the big actor, was so childish that it was easy to send him off in a huff, slamming the door. Cutler, the British officer, was insensitive to ideas but very particular about manners. He would overlook all hints, but he would never ignore a direct request from a lady. As for old Seymour, he had to be handled differently; he had to be dealt with last. The only way to get through to him was to appeal to him in confidence like an old friend, to let him in on the secret of the exodus. The priest genuinely admired Miss Rome as she accomplished all three tasks in one calculated move.
She went across to Captain Cutler and said in her sweetest manner: “I shall value all these flowers, because they must be your favourite flowers. But they won’t be complete, you know, without my favourite flower. Do go over to that shop round the corner and get me some lilies-of-the-valley, and then it will be quite lovely.”
She walked over to Captain Cutler and said in her sweetest tone: “I’ll cherish all these flowers because they must be your favorites. But they won’t feel complete, you know, without my favorite flower. Please go to that shop around the corner and get me some lilies of the valley, and then it will be really beautiful.”
The first object of her diplomacy, the exit of the enraged Bruno, was at once achieved. He had already handed his spear in a lordly style, like a sceptre, to the piteous Parkinson, and was about to assume one of the cushioned seats like a throne. But at this open appeal to his rival there glowed in his opal eyeballs all the sensitive insolence of the slave; he knotted his enormous brown fists for an instant, and then, dashing open the door, disappeared into his own apartments beyond. But meanwhile Miss Rome’s experiment in mobilizing the British Army had not succeeded so simply as seemed probable. Cutler had indeed risen stiffly and suddenly, and walked towards the door, hatless, as if at a word of command. But perhaps there was something ostentatiously elegant about the languid figure of Seymour leaning against one of the looking-glasses that brought him up short at the entrance, turning his head this way and that like a bewildered bulldog.
The first goal of her diplomacy, getting the furious Bruno to leave, was quickly achieved. He had already handed his spear over dramatically, like a scepter, to the pitiful Parkinson, and was about to take one of the cushioned seats like a throne. But at this open gesture towards his rival, there was a flash of defiance in his opal eyes; he clenched his massive brown fists for a moment, then flung open the door and stormed into his own rooms. Meanwhile, Miss Rome’s attempt to rally the British Army hadn’t gone as smoothly as expected. Cutler did indeed stand up abruptly and walk toward the door, hatless, as if obeying a command. But perhaps there was something overly refined about the relaxed figure of Seymour leaning against one of the mirrors that made him stop short at the entrance, turning his head back and forth like a confused bulldog.
“I must show this stupid man where to go,” said Aurora in a whisper to Seymour, and ran out to the threshold to speed the parting guest.
“I need to show this clueless guy where to go,” Aurora whispered to Seymour, then hurried to the door to guide the departing guest.
Seymour seemed to be listening, elegant and unconscious as was his posture, and he seemed relieved when he heard the lady call out some last instructions to the Captain, and then turn sharply and run laughing down the passage towards the other end, the end on the terrace above the Thames. Yet a second or two after Seymour’s brow darkened again. A man in his position has so many rivals, and he remembered that at the other end of the passage was the corresponding entrance to Bruno’s private room. He did not lose his dignity; he said some civil words to Father Brown about the revival of Byzantine architecture in the Westminster Cathedral, and then, quite naturally, strolled out himself into the upper end of the passage. Father Brown and Parkinson were left alone, and they were neither of them men with a taste for superfluous conversation. The dresser went round the room, pulling out looking-glasses and pushing them in again, his dingy dark coat and trousers looking all the more dismal since he was still holding the festive fairy spear of King Oberon. Every time he pulled out the frame of a new glass, a new black figure of Father Brown appeared; the absurd glass chamber was full of Father Browns, upside down in the air like angels, turning somersaults like acrobats, turning their backs to everybody like very rude persons.
Seymour seemed to be listening, effortlessly stylish in his stance, and he looked relieved when he heard the woman call out some last instructions to the Captain and then quickly turn and run, laughing, down the hallway toward the terrace above the Thames. Yet, just a moment later, Seymour’s expression darkened again. A man in his position has many rivals, and he remembered that at the other end of the hallway was the entrance to Bruno’s private room. He maintained his composure, exchanged a few polite words with Father Brown about the revival of Byzantine architecture in Westminster Cathedral, and then, quite naturally, walked himself to the upper end of the passage. Father Brown and Parkinson were left alone, and neither of them enjoyed pointless chatter. The dresser moved around the room, pulling out mirrors and pushing them back in, his dingy dark coat and trousers looking even more drab as he still held the festive fairy spear of King Oberon. Each time he pulled out a new mirror frame, a new dark figure of Father Brown appeared; the ridiculous mirrored room was filled with upside-down images of Father Brown, floating in the air like angels, tumbling like acrobats, turning their backs on everyone like very rude people.
Father Brown seemed quite unconscious of this cloud of witnesses, but followed Parkinson with an idly attentive eye till he took himself and his absurd spear into the farther room of Bruno. Then he abandoned himself to such abstract meditations as always amused him—calculating the angles of the mirrors, the angles of each refraction, the angle at which each must fit into the wall...when he heard a strong but strangled cry.
Father Brown seemed completely unaware of the group of onlookers, but kept an idle yet watchful eye on Parkinson until he carried himself and his ridiculous spear into the other room with Bruno. Then he lost himself in the kind of abstract thoughts that always entertained him—calculating the angles of the mirrors, the angles of each refraction, the angle at which each had to fit into the wall... when he suddenly heard a loud but muffled cry.
He sprang to his feet and stood rigidly listening. At the same instant Sir Wilson Seymour burst back into the room, white as ivory. “Who’s that man in the passage?” he cried. “Where’s that dagger of mine?”
He jumped to his feet and stood stiffly listening. At that moment, Sir Wilson Seymour rushed back into the room, pale as a ghost. “Who’s that guy in the hall?” he shouted. “Where’s my dagger?”
Before Father Brown could turn in his heavy boots Seymour was plunging about the room looking for the weapon. And before he could possibly find that weapon or any other, a brisk running of feet broke upon the pavement outside, and the square face of Cutler was thrust into the same doorway. He was still grotesquely grasping a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley. “What’s this?” he cried. “What’s that creature down the passage? Is this some of your tricks?”
Before Father Brown could take off his heavy boots, Seymour was racing around the room searching for the weapon. And before he could possibly find that weapon or anything else, a quick pace of footsteps echoed on the pavement outside, and the square face of Cutler appeared in the same doorway. He was still oddly clutching a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley. “What’s going on?” he exclaimed. “What’s that thing down the hallway? Is this one of your tricks?”
“My tricks!” hissed his pale rival, and made a stride towards him.
“My tricks!” hissed his pale opponent, taking a step toward him.
In the instant of time in which all this happened Father Brown stepped out into the top of the passage, looked down it, and at once walked briskly towards what he saw.
In that moment when all this happened, Father Brown stepped out into the top of the hallway, looked down it, and immediately walked briskly towards what he saw.
At this the other two men dropped their quarrel and darted after him, Cutler calling out: “What are you doing? Who are you?”
At this, the other two men stopped arguing and ran after him, Cutler shouting, “What are you doing? Who are you?”
“My name is Brown,” said the priest sadly, as he bent over something and straightened himself again. “Miss Rome sent for me, and I came as quickly as I could. I have come too late.”
“My name is Brown,” the priest said sadly, as he bent over something and then straightened up again. “Miss Rome sent for me, and I came as fast as I could. I’ve arrived too late.”
The three men looked down, and in one of them at least the life died in that late light of afternoon. It ran along the passage like a path of gold, and in the midst of it Aurora Rome lay lustrous in her robes of green and gold, with her dead face turned upwards. Her dress was torn away as in a struggle, leaving the right shoulder bare, but the wound from which the blood was welling was on the other side. The brass dagger lay flat and gleaming a yard or so away.
The three men looked down, and in at least one of them, life faded in that late afternoon light. It flowed down the path like a trail of gold, and in the middle of it, Aurora Rome lay shining in her green and gold robes, with her lifeless face turned upwards. Her dress was ripped as if from a struggle, leaving her right shoulder exposed, but the wound from which blood was oozing was on the other side. The brass dagger lay flat and gleaming about a yard away.
There was a blank stillness for a measurable time, so that they could hear far off a flower-girl’s laugh outside Charing Cross, and someone whistling furiously for a taxicab in one of the streets off the Strand. Then the Captain, with a movement so sudden that it might have been passion or play-acting, took Sir Wilson Seymour by the throat.
There was a quiet pause for a noticeable moment, allowing them to hear a flower-girl's laugh in the distance near Charing Cross, and someone angrily whistling for a taxi in one of the side streets off the Strand. Then the Captain, with a sudden motion that could have been driven by emotion or just pretending, grabbed Sir Wilson Seymour by the throat.
Seymour looked at him steadily without either fight or fear. “You need not kill me,” he said in a voice quite cold; “I shall do that on my own account.”
Seymour looked at him without any sign of fighting back or being scared. “You don’t need to kill me,” he said in a completely calm voice; “I’ll take care of that myself.”
The Captain’s hand hesitated and dropped; and the other added with the same icy candour: “If I find I haven’t the nerve to do it with that dagger I can do it in a month with drink.”
The Captain’s hand paused and then fell; and the other continued with the same cold honesty: “If I realize I don’t have the guts to do it with that dagger, I can always do it in a month with alcohol.”
“Drink isn’t good enough for me,” replied Cutler, “but I’ll have blood for this before I die. Not yours—but I think I know whose.”
“Drink isn’t good enough for me,” Cutler replied, “but I’ll have blood for this before I die. Not yours—but I think I know whose.”
And before the others could appreciate his intention he snatched up the dagger, sprang at the other door at the lower end of the passage, burst it open, bolt and all, and confronted Bruno in his dressing-room. As he did so, old Parkinson tottered in his wavering way out of the door and caught sight of the corpse lying in the passage. He moved shakily towards it; looked at it weakly with a working face; then moved shakily back into the dressing-room again, and sat down suddenly on one of the richly cushioned chairs. Father Brown instantly ran across to him, taking no notice of Cutler and the colossal actor, though the room already rang with their blows and they began to struggle for the dagger. Seymour, who retained some practical sense, was whistling for the police at the end of the passage.
And before the others could understand what he was up to, he grabbed the dagger, rushed to the other door at the end of the hallway, and burst it open, lock and all, to face Bruno in his dressing room. As he did this, old Parkinson stumbled out of the door and saw the corpse lying in the hallway. He shakily approached it, looked at it with a troubled expression, then wobbled back into the dressing room and suddenly sat down in one of the plush chairs. Father Brown immediately ran over to him, ignoring Cutler and the massive actor, even though the room was already filled with the sound of their scuffle as they fought for the dagger. Seymour, who still had some common sense, was calling for the police at the end of the hallway.
When the police arrived it was to tear the two men from an almost ape-like grapple; and, after a few formal inquiries, to arrest Isidore Bruno upon a charge of murder, brought against him by his furious opponent. The idea that the great national hero of the hour had arrested a wrongdoer with his own hand doubtless had its weight with the police, who are not without elements of the journalist. They treated Cutler with a certain solemn attention, and pointed out that he had got a slight slash on the hand. Even as Cutler bore him back across tilted chair and table, Bruno had twisted the dagger out of his grasp and disabled him just below the wrist. The injury was really slight, but till he was removed from the room the half-savage prisoner stared at the running blood with a steady smile.
When the police showed up, they had to pull the two men apart from an almost animalistic fight. After a few standard questions, they arrested Isidore Bruno on a murder charge filed by his angry opponent. The fact that the current national hero had captured a criminal himself surely influenced the police, who often have a bit of a media mindset. They treated Cutler with a kind of serious respect and pointed out that he had a small cut on his hand. Even as Cutler dragged him back over the tipped chair and table, Bruno had twisted the dagger out of his hand and injured him just below the wrist. The injury was really minor, but until he was taken out of the room, the almost feral prisoner stared at his bleeding hand with a steady grin.
“Looks a cannibal sort of chap, don’t he?” said the constable confidentially to Cutler.
“Looks like a cannibal type of guy, doesn’t he?” said the constable confidentially to Cutler.
Cutler made no answer, but said sharply a moment after: “We must attend to the...the death...” and his voice escaped from articulation.
Cutler didn’t respond but abruptly said a moment later, “We need to deal with... the death...” and his voice trailed off.
“The two deaths,” came in the voice of the priest from the farther side of the room. “This poor fellow was gone when I got across to him.” And he stood looking down at old Parkinson, who sat in a black huddle on the gorgeous chair. He also had paid his tribute, not without eloquence, to the woman who had died.
“The two deaths,” said the priest from the other side of the room. “This poor guy was already gone when I got over to him.” He stood there, looking down at old Parkinson, who was slumped in a black heap on the beautiful chair. He had also paid his respects, quite eloquently, to the woman who had passed away.
The silence was first broken by Cutler, who seemed not untouched by a rough tenderness. “I wish I was him,” he said huskily. “I remember he used to watch her wherever she walked more than—anybody. She was his air, and he’s dried up. He’s just dead.”
The silence was first broken by Cutler, who seemed slightly affected by a rough tenderness. “I wish I were him,” he said hoarsely. “I remember he used to watch her wherever she went more than anyone else. She was his life, and now he’s just a shell. He’s basically dead.”
“We are all dead,” said Seymour in a strange voice, looking down the road.
“We're all dead,” Seymour said in a weird voice, gazing down the road.
They took leave of Father Brown at the corner of the road, with some random apologies for any rudeness they might have shown. Both their faces were tragic, but also cryptic.
They said goodbye to Father Brown at the corner of the road, with some casual apologies for any rudeness they might have displayed. Both of their faces seemed tragic, but also mysterious.
The mind of the little priest was always a rabbit-warren of wild thoughts that jumped too quickly for him to catch them. Like the white tail of a rabbit he had the vanishing thought that he was certain of their grief, but not so certain of their innocence.
The little priest’s mind was always a maze of wild thoughts that bounced around too fast for him to grasp. Like a rabbit's white tail, he had a fleeting thought that he was sure of their sorrow, but not so sure of their innocence.
“We had better all be going,” said Seymour heavily; “we have done all we can to help.”
“We should all get going,” said Seymour with a sigh; “we've done everything we can to help.”
“Will you understand my motives,” asked Father Brown quietly, “if I say you have done all you can to hurt?”
“Will you understand my reasons,” Father Brown asked quietly, “if I say you have done everything you can to hurt?”
They both started as if guiltily, and Cutler said sharply: “To hurt whom?”
They both jumped as if caught off guard, and Cutler said sharply, “Who are you trying to hurt?”
“To hurt yourselves,” answered the priest. “I would not add to your troubles if it weren’t common justice to warn you. You’ve done nearly everything you could do to hang yourselves, if this actor should be acquitted. They’ll be sure to subpoena me; I shall be bound to say that after the cry was heard each of you rushed into the room in a wild state and began quarrelling about a dagger. As far as my words on oath can go, you might either of you have done it. You hurt yourselves with that; and then Captain Cutler must have hurt himself with the dagger.”
“To harm yourselves,” the priest replied. “I wouldn’t increase your troubles if it weren’t only fair to warn you. You’ve done almost everything you can to incriminate yourselves if this actor gets off. They’ll definitely subpoena me; I’ll have to say that after the shout was heard, each of you rushed into the room in a frenzy and started arguing over a dagger. As far as my sworn words go, either of you could have done it. You’ve hurt yourselves with that, and then Captain Cutler must have hurt himself with the dagger.”
“Hurt myself!” exclaimed the Captain, with contempt. “A silly little scratch.”
“Hurt myself!” the Captain exclaimed, rolling his eyes. “Just a stupid little scratch.”
“Which drew blood,” replied the priest, nodding. “We know there’s blood on the brass now. And so we shall never know whether there was blood on it before.”
“Which drew blood,” replied the priest, nodding. “We know there’s blood on the brass now. So we’ll never know if there was blood on it before.”
There was a silence; and then Seymour said, with an emphasis quite alien to his daily accent: “But I saw a man in the passage.”
There was a pause, and then Seymour said, with an emphasis totally different from his usual tone: “But I saw a man in the hallway.”
“I know you did,” answered the cleric Brown with a face of wood, “so did Captain Cutler. That’s what seems so improbable.”
“I know you did,” replied the cleric Brown, his face expressionless, “so did Captain Cutler. That’s what seems so unlikely.”
Before either could make sufficient sense of it even to answer, Father Brown had politely excused himself and gone stumping up the road with his stumpy old umbrella.
Before either could make enough sense of it to respond, Father Brown had politely excused himself and walked up the road with his short, old umbrella.
As modern newspapers are conducted, the most honest and most important news is the police news. If it be true that in the twentieth century more space is given to murder than to politics, it is for the excellent reason that murder is a more serious subject. But even this would hardly explain the enormous omnipresence and widely distributed detail of “The Bruno Case,” or “The Passage Mystery,” in the Press of London and the provinces. So vast was the excitement that for some weeks the Press really told the truth; and the reports of examination and cross-examination, if interminable, even if intolerable are at least reliable. The true reason, of course, was the coincidence of persons. The victim was a popular actress; the accused was a popular actor; and the accused had been caught red-handed, as it were, by the most popular soldier of the patriotic season. In those extraordinary circumstances the Press was paralysed into probity and accuracy; and the rest of this somewhat singular business can practically be recorded from reports of Bruno’s trial.
As modern newspapers operate, the most honest and significant news is police reports. If it’s true that in the twentieth century more space is dedicated to murder than politics, it’s for the very good reason that murder is a more serious matter. But even this wouldn’t fully explain the overwhelming presence and extensive details of “The Bruno Case” or “The Passage Mystery” in the London press and beyond. The excitement was so immense that for several weeks the press actually reported the truth; though the reports of examination and cross-examination were endless and even unbearable, they were at least reliable. The real reason, of course, was the connection between the people involved. The victim was a well-known actress; the accused was a popular actor; and the accused had been caught red-handed, so to speak, by the most celebrated soldier of the patriotic season. In those unusual circumstances, the press was forced into honesty and accuracy; and the rest of this rather unique case can basically be documented from the reports of Bruno’s trial.
The trial was presided over by Mr Justice Monkhouse, one of those who are jeered at as humorous judges, but who are generally much more serious than the serious judges, for their levity comes from a living impatience of professional solemnity; while the serious judge is really filled with frivolity, because he is filled with vanity. All the chief actors being of a worldly importance, the barristers were well balanced; the prosecutor for the Crown was Sir Walter Cowdray, a heavy, but weighty advocate of the sort that knows how to seem English and trustworthy, and how to be rhetorical with reluctance. The prisoner was defended by Mr Patrick Butler, K.C., who was mistaken for a mere flaneur by those who misunderstood the Irish character—and those who had not been examined by him. The medical evidence involved no contradictions, the doctor, whom Seymour had summoned on the spot, agreeing with the eminent surgeon who had later examined the body. Aurora Rome had been stabbed with some sharp instrument such as a knife or dagger; some instrument, at least, of which the blade was short. The wound was just over the heart, and she had died instantly. When the doctor first saw her she could hardly have been dead for twenty minutes. Therefore when Father Brown found her she could hardly have been dead for three.
The trial was overseen by Mr. Justice Monkhouse, one of those judges often mocked as humorous, yet who tend to be much more serious than those considered serious judges. Their light-heartedness springs from a genuine impatience with the professional seriousness of the court; meanwhile, the serious judge is actually filled with triviality, driven by vanity. All the main participants held significant worldly positions, so the barristers were well matched; the prosecutor representing the Crown was Sir Walter Cowdray, a heavy yet substantial advocate who knows how to appear English and reliable while being reluctantly rhetorical. The defendant was represented by Mr. Patrick Butler, K.C., who was mistaken for a mere dabbler by those who misunderstood the Irish character—and by those he hadn’t cross-examined. The medical evidence was straightforward, with the doctor summoned by Seymour on the scene agreeing with the distinguished surgeon who evaluated the body later. Aurora Rome had been stabbed with a sharp object like a knife or dagger; at least, it was an instrument with a short blade. The wound was just above the heart, and she had died instantly. When the doctor first examined her, she could have only been dead for about twenty minutes. So when Father Brown discovered her, she could hardly have been dead for three.
Some official detective evidence followed, chiefly concerned with the presence or absence of any proof of a struggle; the only suggestion of this was the tearing of the dress at the shoulder, and this did not seem to fit in particularly well with the direction and finality of the blow. When these details had been supplied, though not explained, the first of the important witnesses was called.
Some official detective evidence followed, mostly focused on whether there was any proof of a struggle; the only hint of this was the torn dress at the shoulder, which didn’t really align with the direction and impact of the blow. Once these details were provided, though not clarified, the first key witness was called.
Sir Wilson Seymour gave evidence as he did everything else that he did at all—not only well, but perfectly. Though himself much more of a public man than the judge, he conveyed exactly the fine shade of self-effacement before the King’s justice; and though everyone looked at him as they would at the Prime Minister or the Archbishop of Canterbury, they could have said nothing of his part in it but that it was that of a private gentleman, with an accent on the noun. He was also refreshingly lucid, as he was on the committees. He had been calling on Miss Rome at the theatre; he had met Captain Cutler there; they had been joined for a short time by the accused, who had then returned to his own dressing-room; they had then been joined by a Roman Catholic priest, who asked for the deceased lady and said his name was Brown. Miss Rome had then gone just outside the theatre to the entrance of the passage, in order to point out to Captain Cutler a flower-shop at which he was to buy her some more flowers; and the witness had remained in the room, exchanging a few words with the priest. He had then distinctly heard the deceased, having sent the Captain on his errand, turn round laughing and run down the passage towards its other end, where was the prisoner’s dressing-room. In idle curiosity as to the rapid movement of his friends, he had strolled out to the head of the passage himself and looked down it towards the prisoner’s door. Did he see anything in the passage? Yes; he saw something in the passage.
Sir Wilson Seymour gave evidence just like he did everything else—not just well, but perfectly. Even though he was much more of a public figure than the judge, he showed the right amount of humility in front of the King’s justice. While everyone looked at him like they would at the Prime Minister or the Archbishop of Canterbury, they could only describe his role as that of a private gentleman, with an emphasis on the gentleman part. He was also refreshingly clear, just like he was in the committees. He had been visiting Miss Rome at the theater; he met Captain Cutler there; they were briefly joined by the accused, who then went back to his own dressing room; then a Roman Catholic priest joined them, asking about the deceased lady and saying his name was Brown. Miss Rome then went just outside the theater to the entrance of the passage to show Captain Cutler a flower shop where he was supposed to buy her more flowers, and the witness stayed in the room, chatting with the priest for a bit. He then distinctly heard the deceased, after sending the Captain on his errand, turn around laughing and run down the passage toward the other end, where the prisoner’s dressing room was. Out of idle curiosity about his friends' quick movements, he strolled out to the entrance of the passage and looked down toward the prisoner’s door. Did he see anything in the passage? Yes, he saw something in the passage.
Sir Walter Cowdray allowed an impressive interval, during which the witness looked down, and for all his usual composure seemed to have more than his usual pallor. Then the barrister said in a lower voice, which seemed at once sympathetic and creepy: “Did you see it distinctly?”
Sir Walter Cowdray took a significant pause, during which the witness looked down, and despite his typical calmness, appeared even paler than usual. Then the lawyer spoke in a quieter voice that felt both understanding and unsettling: “Did you see it clearly?”
Sir Wilson Seymour, however moved, had his excellent brains in full working-order. “Very distinctly as regards its outline, but quite indistinctly, indeed not at all, as regards the details inside the outline. The passage is of such length that anyone in the middle of it appears quite black against the light at the other end.” The witness lowered his steady eyes once more and added: “I had noticed the fact before, when Captain Cutler first entered it.” There was another silence, and the judge leaned forward and made a note.
Sir Wilson Seymour, despite being affected, had his sharp mind fully engaged. “I can see the overall shape clearly, but the details inside the shape are really unclear, not visible at all. The passage is so long that anyone standing in the middle looks completely dark against the light on the other end.” The witness lowered his steady gaze again and added, “I noticed this before when Captain Cutler first walked in.” There was another pause, and the judge leaned forward to jot down a note.
“Well,” said Sir Walter patiently, “what was the outline like? Was it, for instance, like the figure of the murdered woman?”
“Well,” said Sir Walter patiently, “what was the outline like? Was it, for example, similar to the shape of the murdered woman?”
“Not in the least,” answered Seymour quietly.
“Not at all,” answered Seymour quietly.
“What did it look like to you?”
“What did it look like to you?”
“It looked to me,” replied the witness, “like a tall man.”
“It looked to me,” replied the witness, “like a tall guy.”
Everyone in court kept his eyes riveted on his pen, or his umbrella-handle, or his book, or his boots or whatever he happened to be looking at. They seemed to be holding their eyes away from the prisoner by main force; but they felt his figure in the dock, and they felt it as gigantic. Tall as Bruno was to the eye, he seemed to swell taller and taller when an eyes had been torn away from him.
Everyone in court focused hard on their pen, umbrella handle, book, boots, or whatever they were looking at. It was as if they were actively trying to avoid looking at the prisoner; yet they felt his presence in the dock, and it felt enormous. As tall as Bruno was, he seemed to grow even taller when everyone's gaze was pulled away from him.
Cowdray was resuming his seat with his solemn face, smoothing his black silk robes, and white silk whiskers. Sir Wilson was leaving the witness-box, after a few final particulars to which there were many other witnesses, when the counsel for the defence sprang up and stopped him.
Cowdray was sitting back down with his serious expression, straightening his black silk robes and white silk whiskers. Sir Wilson was stepping out of the witness box after giving a few last details, to which there were many other witnesses, when the defense lawyer suddenly got up and interrupted him.
“I shall only detain you a moment,” said Mr Butler, who was a rustic-looking person with red eyebrows and an expression of partial slumber. “Will you tell his lordship how you knew it was a man?”
“I’ll only take a moment of your time,” said Mr. Butler, who looked like a country person with red eyebrows and a somewhat sleepy expression. “Can you tell his lordship how you knew it was a man?”
A faint, refined smile seemed to pass over Seymour’s features. “I’m afraid it is the vulgar test of trousers,” he said. “When I saw daylight between the long legs I was sure it was a man, after all.”
A subtle, polite smile crossed Seymour’s face. “I’m afraid it’s the crude test of pants,” he said. “When I noticed the space between the long legs, I was certain it was a man, after all.”
Butler’s sleepy eyes opened as suddenly as some silent explosion. “After all!” he repeated slowly. “So you did think at first it was a woman?”
Butler’s sleepy eyes snapped open as if triggered by some silent explosion. “After all!” he said slowly. “So you really thought it was a woman at first?”
Seymour looked troubled for the first time. “It is hardly a point of fact,” he said, “but if his lordship would like me to answer for my impression, of course I shall do so. There was something about the thing that was not exactly a woman and yet was not quite a man; somehow the curves were different. And it had something that looked like long hair.”
Seymour looked worried for the first time. “It’s not really a fact,” he said, “but if his lordship wants me to share my thoughts, I will. There was something about it that wasn’t exactly a woman but also wasn’t completely a man; somehow the curves were different. And it had something that looked like long hair.”
“Thank you,” said Mr Butler, K.C., and sat down suddenly, as if he had got what he wanted.
“Thanks,” Mr. Butler, K.C., said, and he sat down quickly, like he had gotten what he wanted.
Captain Cutler was a far less plausible and composed witness than Sir Wilson, but his account of the opening incidents was solidly the same. He described the return of Bruno to his dressing-room, the dispatching of himself to buy a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley, his return to the upper end of the passage, the thing he saw in the passage, his suspicion of Seymour, and his struggle with Bruno. But he could give little artistic assistance about the black figure that he and Seymour had seen. Asked about its outline, he said he was no art critic—with a somewhat too obvious sneer at Seymour. Asked if it was a man or a woman, he said it looked more like a beast—with a too obvious snarl at the prisoner. But the man was plainly shaken with sorrow and sincere anger, and Cowdray quickly excused him from confirming facts that were already fairly clear.
Captain Cutler was a much less believable and composed witness than Sir Wilson, but his account of the early events was pretty much the same. He described Bruno returning to his dressing room, his decision to go buy a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley, his return to the upper end of the hallway, the thing he saw in the hallway, his suspicion of Seymour, and his struggle with Bruno. However, he couldn't provide much helpful detail about the dark figure that he and Seymour had seen. When asked about its shape, he said he wasn't an art critic—clearly sneering at Seymour. When asked if it was a man or a woman, he said it looked more like a beast—with an obvious snarl directed at the prisoner. But it was clear that the man was deeply upset and genuinely angry, and Cowdray quickly let him off the hook for confirming facts that were already pretty clear.
The defending counsel also was again brief in his cross-examination; although (as was his custom) even in being brief, he seemed to take a long time about it. “You used a rather remarkable expression,” he said, looking at Cutler sleepily. “What do you mean by saying that it looked more like a beast than a man or a woman?”
The defense attorney was once again short in his cross-examination; although, as was his habit, even being brief took him quite a while. “You used a pretty interesting phrase,” he said, glancing at Cutler drowsily. “What do you mean when you say it looked more like a beast than a man or a woman?”
Cutler seemed seriously agitated. “Perhaps I oughtn’t to have said that,” he said; “but when the brute has huge humped shoulders like a chimpanzee, and bristles sticking out of its head like a pig—”
Cutler looked really upset. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that,” he said; “but when the beast has huge humped shoulders like a chimp, and bristles sticking out of its head like a pig—”
Mr Butler cut short his curious impatience in the middle. “Never mind whether its hair was like a pig’s,” he said, “was it like a woman’s?”
Mr. Butler interrupted his curious impatience. “Forget about whether its hair was like a pig’s,” he said, “was it like a woman’s?”
“A woman’s!” cried the soldier. “Great Scott, no!”
“A woman’s!” yelled the soldier. “Oh my God, no!”
“The last witness said it was,” commented the counsel, with unscrupulous swiftness. “And did the figure have any of those serpentine and semi-feminine curves to which eloquent allusion has been made? No? No feminine curves? The figure, if I understand you, was rather heavy and square than otherwise?”
“The last witness said it was,” the lawyer remarked, with ruthless speed. “Did the figure have any of those curvy, snake-like shapes that have been so often referred to? No? So, no feminine curves? The figure, if I’m getting it right, was more heavy and square than anything else?”
“He may have been bending forward,” said Cutler, in a hoarse and rather faint voice.
“He might have been leaning forward,” Cutler said in a hoarse and somewhat faint voice.
“Or again, he may not,” said Mr Butler, and sat down suddenly for the second time.
“Or maybe he won’t,” said Mr. Butler, abruptly sitting down for the second time.
The third, witness called by Sir Walter Cowdray was the little Catholic clergyman, so little, compared with the others, that his head seemed hardly to come above the box, so that it was like cross-examining a child. But unfortunately Sir Walter had somehow got it into his head (mostly by some ramifications of his family’s religion) that Father Brown was on the side of the prisoner, because the prisoner was wicked and foreign and even partly black. Therefore he took Father Brown up sharply whenever that proud pontiff tried to explain anything; and told him to answer yes or no, and tell the plain facts without any jesuitry. When Father Brown began, in his simplicity, to say who he thought the man in the passage was, the barrister told him that he did not want his theories.
The third witness called by Sir Walter Cowdray was the small Catholic clergyman, so tiny compared to the others that his head barely rose above the witness stand, making it feel like cross-examining a child. Unfortunately, Sir Walter had somehow convinced himself (mainly due to some connections to his family's religion) that Father Brown was siding with the defendant because the defendant was evil, foreign, and even partly black. As a result, he snapped at Father Brown whenever that proud priest tried to explain anything; he insisted that Father Brown answer with a simple yes or no and provide the straightforward facts without any cleverness. When Father Brown began, in his innocence, to share who he believed the man in the hallway was, the barrister interrupted him and said he wasn't interested in his theories.
“A black shape was seen in the passage. And you say you saw the black shape. Well, what shape was it?”
“A dark figure was spotted in the hallway. So you claim you saw the dark figure. Well, what did it look like?”
Father Brown blinked as under rebuke; but he had long known the literal nature of obedience. “The shape,” he said, “was short and thick, but had two sharp, black projections curved upwards on each side of the head or top, rather like horns, and—”
Father Brown blinked as if he were being scolded; but he had long understood the true meaning of obedience. “The shape,” he said, “was short and thick, but it had two sharp, black projections curved upwards on each side of the head or top, kind of like horns, and—”
“Oh! the devil with horns, no doubt,” ejaculated Cowdray, sitting down in triumphant jocularity. “It was the devil come to eat Protestants.”
“Oh! the devil with horns, for sure,” exclaimed Cowdray, sitting down in a victorious, playful mood. “It was the devil here to feast on Protestants.”
“No,” said the priest dispassionately; “I know who it was.”
“No,” said the priest flatly; “I know who it was.”
Those in court had been wrought up to an irrational, but real sense of some monstrosity. They had forgotten the figure in the dock and thought only of the figure in the passage. And the figure in the passage, described by three capable and respectable men who had all seen it, was a shifting nightmare: one called it a woman, and the other a beast, and the other a devil....
Those in the courtroom were worked up into an irrational but genuine sense of something monstrous. They had forgotten the person in the dock and focused only on the figure in the hallway. The figure in the hallway, described by three competent and respectable men who had all seen it, was a shifting nightmare: one referred to it as a woman, another as a beast, and the third as a devil....
The judge was looking at Father Brown with level and piercing eyes. “You are a most extraordinary witness,” he said; “but there is something about you that makes me think you are trying to tell the truth. Well, who was the man you saw in the passage?”
The judge was staring at Father Brown with steady and intense eyes. “You are an incredibly unusual witness,” he said; “but there’s something about you that makes me believe you’re trying to be truthful. So, who was the man you saw in the hallway?”
“He was myself,” said Father Brown.
"He was me," said Father Brown.
Butler, K.C., sprang to his feet in an extraordinary stillness, and said quite calmly: “Your lordship will allow me to cross-examine?” And then, without stopping, he shot at Brown the apparently disconnected question: “You have heard about this dagger; you know the experts say the crime was committed with a short blade?”
Butler, K.C., jumped to his feet in a surprising silence and said quite calmly: “Your lordship will let me cross-examine?” Then, without pausing, he asked Brown the seemingly unrelated question: “You’ve heard about this dagger; you know the experts say the crime was committed with a short blade?”
“A short blade,” assented Brown, nodding solemnly like an owl, “but a very long hilt.”
“A short blade,” Brown agreed, nodding seriously like an owl, “but a very long handle.”
Before the audience could quite dismiss the idea that the priest had really seen himself doing murder with a short dagger with a long hilt (which seemed somehow to make it more horrible), he had himself hurried on to explain.
Before the audience could completely reject the idea that the priest had truly envisioned himself committing murder with a short dagger that had a long hilt (which somehow made it even more gruesome), he quickly moved on to clarify.
“I mean daggers aren’t the only things with short blades. Spears have short blades. And spears catch at the end of the steel just like daggers, if they’re that sort of fancy spear they had in theatres; like the spear poor old Parkinson killed his wife with, just when she’d sent for me to settle their family troubles—and I came just too late, God forgive me! But he died penitent—he just died of being penitent. He couldn’t bear what he’d done.”
“I mean, daggers aren’t the only things with short blades. Spears have short blades too. And spears have a tip at the end of the steel just like daggers, if they’re the fancy kind they used in theaters; like the spear that poor old Parkinson used to kill his wife, right when she’d called for me to help sort out their family issues—and I arrived just too late, God forgive me! But he died feeling sorry for what he’d done—he just died from feeling so guilty. He couldn’t handle what he had done.”
The general impression in court was that the little priest, who was gobbling away, had literally gone mad in the box. But the judge still looked at him with bright and steady eyes of interest; and the counsel for the defence went on with his questions unperturbed.
The overall feeling in court was that the little priest, who was munching away, had completely lost his mind in the witness stand. But the judge kept looking at him with bright, focused eyes of interest, and the defense lawyer continued with his questions without any signs of disturbance.
“If Parkinson did it with that pantomime spear,” said Butler, “he must have thrust from four yards away. How do you account for signs of struggle, like the dress dragged off the shoulder?” He had slipped into treating his mere witness as an expert; but no one noticed it now.
“If Parkinson did it with that pantomime spear,” said Butler, “he must have stabbed from four yards away. How do you explain the signs of struggle, like the dress being pulled off the shoulder?” He had started treating his mere witness as an expert; but no one noticed it now.
“The poor lady’s dress was torn,” said the witness, “because it was caught in a panel that slid to just behind her. She struggled to free herself, and as she did so Parkinson came out of the prisoner’s room and lunged with the spear.”
"The poor lady’s dress was torn," said the witness, "because it got caught in a panel that slid right behind her. She fought to free herself, and as she did, Parkinson came out of the prisoner’s room and lunged with the spear."
“A panel?” repeated the barrister in a curious voice.
“A panel?” the lawyer repeated, intrigued.
“It was a looking-glass on the other side,” explained Father Brown. “When I was in the dressing-room I noticed that some of them could probably be slid out into the passage.”
“It was a mirror on the other side,” explained Father Brown. “When I was in the dressing room, I noticed that some of them could probably be pushed out into the hallway.”
There was another vast and unnatural silence, and this time it was the judge who spoke. “So you really mean that when you looked down that passage, the man you saw was yourself—in a mirror?”
There was another wide and unusual silence, and this time it was the judge who spoke. “So you’re saying that when you looked down that passage, the man you saw was you—in a mirror?”
“Yes, my lord; that was what I was trying to say,” said Brown, “but they asked me for the shape; and our hats have corners just like horns, and so I—”
“Yes, my lord; that was what I was trying to say,” said Brown, “but they asked me for the shape; and our hats have corners just like horns, and so I—”
The judge leaned forward, his old eyes yet more brilliant, and said in specially distinct tones: “Do you really mean to say that when Sir Wilson Seymour saw that wild what-you-call-him with curves and a woman’s hair and a man’s trousers, what he saw was Sir Wilson Seymour?”
The judge leaned forward, his old eyes even brighter, and said in a particularly clear voice: “Are you really saying that when Sir Wilson Seymour saw that wild, what-you-call-it with curves, a woman’s hair, and a man’s trousers, what he actually saw was Sir Wilson Seymour?”
“Yes, my lord,” said Father Brown.
"Yes, my lord," Father Brown replied.
“And you mean to say that when Captain Cutler saw that chimpanzee with humped shoulders and hog’s bristles, he simply saw himself?”
“And you’re saying that when Captain Cutler saw that chimp with humped shoulders and bristly hair, he just saw himself?”
“Yes, my lord.”
"Yes, my lord."
The judge leaned back in his chair with a luxuriance in which it was hard to separate the cynicism and the admiration. “And can you tell us why,” he asked, “you should know your own figure in a looking-glass, when two such distinguished men don’t?”
The judge reclined in his chair, filled with a mix of cynicism and admiration. “Can you explain why,” he asked, “you can recognize your own reflection in a mirror, while two such esteemed gentlemen can’t?”
Father Brown blinked even more painfully than before; then he stammered: “Really, my lord, I don’t know unless it’s because I don’t look at it so often.”
Father Brown blinked even more painfully than before; then he stammered: “Honestly, my lord, I don’t know unless it’s because I don’t look at it that often.”
FIVE — The Mistake of the Machine
FLAMBEAU and his friend the priest were sitting in the Temple Gardens about sunset; and their neighbourhood or some such accidental influence had turned their talk to matters of legal process. From the problem of the licence in cross-examination, their talk strayed to Roman and mediaeval torture, to the examining magistrate in France and the Third Degree in America.
FLAMBEAU and his friend the priest were sitting in the Temple Gardens around sunset, and their surroundings or some random influence prompted them to discuss legal matters. Starting with the issue of the license in cross-examination, their conversation drifted to Roman and medieval torture, the investigating magistrate in France, and the Third Degree in America.
“I’ve been reading,” said Flambeau, “of this new psychometric method they talk about so much, especially in America. You know what I mean; they put a pulsometer on a man’s wrist and judge by how his heart goes at the pronunciation of certain words. What do you think of it?”
“I’ve been reading,” said Flambeau, “about this new psychometric method that everyone’s been talking about, especially in America. You know what I mean; they put a pulsometer on a person’s wrist and judge by how their heart reacts when certain words are pronounced. What do you think about it?”
“I think it very interesting,” replied Father Brown; “it reminds me of that interesting idea in the Dark Ages that blood would flow from a corpse if the murderer touched it.”
“I find it very interesting,” replied Father Brown; “it reminds me of that fascinating idea from the Dark Ages that blood would flow from a corpse if the murderer touched it.”
“Do you really mean,” demanded his friend, “that you think the two methods equally valuable?”
“Are you serious,” his friend asked, “that you believe both methods are equally valuable?”
“I think them equally valueless,” replied Brown. “Blood flows, fast or slow, in dead folk or living, for so many more million reasons than we can ever know. Blood will have to flow very funnily; blood will have to flow up the Matterhorn, before I will take it as a sign that I am to shed it.”
“I think they’re just as worthless,” replied Brown. “Blood flows, whether fast or slow, in dead people or living ones, for so many more millions of reasons than we could ever understand. Blood will have to flow in some pretty strange ways; it will have to flow up the Matterhorn before I see it as a sign that I should shed it.”
“The method,” remarked the other, “has been guaranteed by some of the greatest American men of science.”
“The method,” said the other, “has been endorsed by some of the greatest American scientists.”
“What sentimentalists men of science are!” exclaimed Father Brown, “and how much more sentimental must American men of science be! Who but a Yankee would think of proving anything from heart-throbs? Why, they must be as sentimental as a man who thinks a woman is in love with him if she blushes. That’s a test from the circulation of the blood, discovered by the immortal Harvey; and a jolly rotten test, too.”
“What sentimentalists scientists are!” exclaimed Father Brown, “and how much more sentimental must American scientists be! Who but an American would think of proving anything from heartbeats? They must be as sentimental as a guy who thinks a woman is in love with him just because she blushes. That’s a test from the blood circulation, discovered by the great Harvey; and what a terrible test that is.”
“But surely,” insisted Flambeau, “it might point pretty straight at something or other.”
"But surely," insisted Flambeau, "it could lead pretty directly to something."
“There’s a disadvantage in a stick pointing straight,” answered the other. “What is it? Why, the other end of the stick always points the opposite way. It depends whether you get hold of the stick by the right end. I saw the thing done once and I’ve never believed in it since.” And he proceeded to tell the story of his disillusionment.
“There's a downside to a stick pointing straight,” replied the other. “What is it? Well, the other end of the stick always points in the opposite direction. It all depends on whether you grab the stick by the right end. I saw it happen once, and I’ve never believed in it since.” He then went on to share the story of how he lost that belief.
It happened nearly twenty years before, when he was chaplain to his co-religionists in a prison in Chicago—where the Irish population displayed a capacity both for crime and penitence which kept him tolerably busy. The official second-in-command under the Governor was an ex-detective named Greywood Usher, a cadaverous, careful-spoken Yankee philosopher, occasionally varying a very rigid visage with an odd apologetic grimace. He liked Father Brown in a slightly patronizing way; and Father Brown liked him, though he heartily disliked his theories. His theories were extremely complicated and were held with extreme simplicity.
It happened nearly twenty years ago when he was the chaplain for his fellow believers in a prison in Chicago—where the Irish population showed a talent for both crime and repentance that kept him fairly busy. The official second-in-command under the Governor was an ex-detective named Greywood Usher, a thin, carefully spoken Yankee philosopher, who occasionally softened his very serious expression with a strange apologetic grin. He had a slightly condescending fondness for Father Brown, and Father Brown appreciated him, even though he strongly disagreed with his theories. Those theories were incredibly complicated yet held with utmost simplicity.
One evening he had sent for the priest, who, according to his custom, took a seat in silence at a table piled and littered with papers, and waited. The official selected from the papers a scrap of newspaper cutting, which he handed across to the cleric, who read it gravely. It appeared to be an extract from one of the pinkest of American Society papers, and ran as follows:
One evening he called for the priest, who, as usual, sat quietly at a table covered with papers and waited. The official picked out a piece of newspaper clipping from the pile and passed it to the cleric, who read it seriously. It seemed to be an excerpt from one of the most glamorous American society magazines, and it read as follows:
“Society’s brightest widower is once more on the Freak Dinner stunt. All our exclusive citizens will recall the Perambulator Parade Dinner, in which Last-Trick Todd, at his palatial home at Pilgrim’s Pond, caused so many of our prominent debutantes to look even younger than their years. Equally elegant and more miscellaneous and large-hearted in social outlook was Last-Trick’s show the year previous, the popular Cannibal Crush Lunch, at which the confections handed round were sarcastically moulded in the forms of human arms and legs, and during which more than one of our gayest mental gymnasts was heard offering to eat his partner. The witticism which will inspire this evening is as yet in Mr Todd’s pretty reticent intellect, or locked in the jewelled bosoms of our city’s gayest leaders; but there is talk of a pretty parody of the simple manners and customs at the other end of Society’s scale. This would be all the more telling, as hospitable Todd is entertaining in Lord Falconroy, the famous traveller, a true-blooded aristocrat fresh from England’s oak-groves. Lord Falconroy’s travels began before his ancient feudal title was resurrected, he was in the Republic in his youth, and fashion murmurs a sly reason for his return. Miss Etta Todd is one of our deep-souled New Yorkers, and comes into an income of nearly twelve hundred million dollars.”
“Society’s most prominent widower is once again hosting the Freak Dinner. All our elite citizens will remember the Perambulator Parade Dinner, where Last-Trick Todd, at his luxurious home on Pilgrim’s Pond, made many of our notable debutantes appear even younger than they are. Just as stylish but even more diverse and generous in social perspective was Last-Trick’s event the previous year, the popular Cannibal Crush Lunch, where desserts were humorously shaped like human arms and legs, and where more than one of our liveliest thinkers joked about eating his companion. The witty theme for tonight is still brewing in Mr. Todd’s somewhat reserved mind, or hidden in the jeweled hearts of our city’s most vibrant leaders; however, there’s talk of a clever spoof on the simple ways and customs at the opposite end of Society’s spectrum. This would be even more impactful, as the hospitable Todd is hosting Lord Falconroy, the famous traveler, a true aristocrat just back from England’s oak forests. Lord Falconroy embarked on his travels long before his ancient feudal title was revived; he was in the Republic during his youth, and there’s gossip hinting at a secret reason for his return. Miss Etta Todd is one of our profound New Yorkers, set to inherit nearly twelve hundred million dollars.”
“Well,” asked Usher, “does that interest you?”
“Well,” Usher asked, “does that interest you?”
“Why, words rather fail me,” answered Father Brown. “I cannot think at this moment of anything in this world that would interest me less. And, unless the just anger of the Republic is at last going to electrocute journalists for writing like that, I don’t quite see why it should interest you either.”
“Honestly, I'm at a loss for words,” Father Brown replied. “Right now, I can't think of anything in this world that would interest me less. And unless the rightful anger of the Republic is finally going to punish journalists for writing like that, I don’t really understand why it should interest you either.”
“Ah!” said Mr Usher dryly, and handing across another scrap of newspaper. “Well, does that interest you?”
“Ah!” Mr. Usher said flatly, handing over another piece of newspaper. “So, does that catch your interest?”
The paragraph was headed “Savage Murder of a Warder. Convict Escapes,” and ran: “Just before dawn this morning a shout for help was heard in the Convict Settlement at Sequah in this State. The authorities, hurrying in the direction of the cry, found the corpse of the warder who patrols the top of the north wall of the prison, the steepest and most difficult exit, for which one man has always been found sufficient. The unfortunate officer had, however, been hurled from the high wall, his brains beaten out as with a club, and his gun was missing. Further inquiries showed that one of the cells was empty; it had been occupied by a rather sullen ruffian giving his name as Oscar Rian. He was only temporarily detained for some comparatively trivial assault; but he gave everyone the impression of a man with a black past and a dangerous future. Finally, when daylight had fully revealed the scene of murder, it was found that he had written on the wall above the body a fragmentary sentence, apparently with a finger dipped in blood: ‘This was self-defence and he had the gun. I meant no harm to him or any man but one. I am keeping the bullet for Pilgrim’s Pond—O.R.’ A man must have used most fiendish treachery or most savage and amazing bodily daring to have stormed such a wall in spite of an armed man.”
The paragraph was titled “Brutal Murder of a Guard. Convict Escapes,” and read: “Just before dawn this morning, a shout for help was heard in the Convict Settlement at Sequah in this State. The authorities rushed toward the cry and found the body of the guard who patrols the top of the prison's north wall, the steepest and most difficult exit, which one man has always been able to handle. Unfortunately, the officer had been thrown from the high wall, his skull bashed in as if with a club, and his gun was missing. Further inquiries revealed that one of the cells was empty; it had been occupied by a rather sullen criminal named Oscar Rian. He was only being held temporarily for a relatively minor assault, but he gave everyone the impression of a man with a dark past and a dangerous future. When daylight fully illuminated the murder scene, it was discovered that he had written on the wall above the body a fragmentary sentence, apparently with a finger dipped in blood: ‘This was self-defense and he had the gun. I meant no harm to him or any man but one. I am keeping the bullet for Pilgrim’s Pond—O.R.’ Someone must have used either the most fiendish treachery or incredible physical daring to have stormed such a wall in spite of an armed man.”
“Well, the literary style is somewhat improved,” admitted the priest cheerfully, “but still I don’t see what I can do for you. I should cut a poor figure, with my short legs, running about this State after an athletic assassin of that sort. I doubt whether anybody could find him. The convict settlement at Sequah is thirty miles from here; the country between is wild and tangled enough, and the country beyond, where he will surely have the sense to go, is a perfect no-man’s land tumbling away to the prairies. He may be in any hole or up any tree.”
“Well, the writing style is a bit better,” the priest said cheerfully, “but I still don’t see how I can help you. I’d look pretty foolish, with my short legs, chasing after an athletic killer like that. I doubt anyone could find him. The prison camp at Sequah is thirty miles from here; the land in between is wild and dense, and beyond that, where he will definitely have the sense to head, is a complete wasteland stretching out to the prairies. He could be hiding anywhere or up any tree.”
“He isn’t in any hole,” said the governor; “he isn’t up any tree.”
“He's not in any hole,” said the governor; “he's not up any tree.”
“Why, how do you know?” asked Father Brown, blinking.
“Why, how do you know?” Father Brown asked, blinking.
“Would you like to speak to him?” inquired Usher.
“Do you want to talk to him?” Usher asked.
Father Brown opened his innocent eyes wide. “He is here?” he exclaimed. “Why, how did your men get hold of him?”
Father Brown opened his wide innocent eyes. “He’s here?” he exclaimed. “How did your guys find him?”
“I got hold of him myself,” drawled the American, rising and lazily stretching his lanky legs before the fire. “I got hold of him with the crooked end of a walking-stick. Don’t look so surprised. I really did. You know I sometimes take a turn in the country lanes outside this dismal place; well, I was walking early this evening up a steep lane with dark hedges and grey-looking ploughed fields on both sides; and a young moon was up and silvering the road. By the light of it I saw a man running across the field towards the road; running with his body bent and at a good mile-race trot. He appeared to be much exhausted; but when he came to the thick black hedge he went through it as if it were made of spiders’ webs;—or rather (for I heard the strong branches breaking and snapping like bayonets) as if he himself were made of stone. In the instant in which he appeared up against the moon, crossing the road, I slung my hooked cane at his legs, tripping him and bringing him down. Then I blew my whistle long and loud, and our fellows came running up to secure him.”
“I caught him myself,” said the American, standing up and stretching his long legs out in front of the fire. “I got him with the crooked end of my walking stick. Don’t look so shocked. I really did. You know I sometimes take a walk in the countryside outside this dreary place; well, I was strolling early this evening down a steep path with dark hedges and grey plowed fields on both sides; and a young moon was up, lighting the road with a silver glow. By that light, I saw a man running across the field toward the road; he was hunched over and running like he was in a race. He looked pretty worn out; but when he reached the thick black hedge, he went through it as if it were nothing but spider webs;—or more like (since I heard the strong branches breaking and snapping like bayonets) as if he were made of stone. The moment he appeared against the moon, crossing the road, I threw my hooked cane at his legs, tripping him and taking him down. Then I blew my whistle long and loud, and our guys came running up to catch him.”
“It would have been rather awkward,” remarked Brown, “if you had found he was a popular athlete practising a mile race.”
“It would have been pretty awkward,” Brown said, “if you had discovered he was a popular athlete training for a mile race.”
“He was not,” said Usher grimly. “We soon found out who he was; but I had guessed it with the first glint of the moon on him.”
“He wasn’t,” Usher said with a serious tone. “We quickly discovered who he was; but I had figured it out with the first glimmer of moonlight on him.”
“You thought it was the runaway convict,” observed the priest simply, “because you had read in the newspaper cutting that morning that a convict had run away.”
“You thought it was the escaped convict,” the priest remarked casually, “because you had read in the newspaper that morning that a convict had escaped.”
“I had somewhat better grounds,” replied the governor coolly. “I pass over the first as too simple to be emphasized—I mean that fashionable athletes do not run across ploughed fields or scratch their eyes out in bramble hedges. Nor do they run all doubled up like a crouching dog. There were more decisive details to a fairly well-trained eye. The man was clad in coarse and ragged clothes, but they were something more than merely coarse and ragged. They were so ill-fitting as to be quite grotesque; even as he appeared in black outline against the moonrise, the coat-collar in which his head was buried made him look like a hunchback, and the long loose sleeves looked as if he had no hands. It at once occurred to me that he had somehow managed to change his convict clothes for some confederate’s clothes which did not fit him. Second, there was a pretty stiff wind against which he was running; so that I must have seen the streaky look of blowing hair, if the hair had not been very short. Then I remembered that beyond these ploughed fields he was crossing lay Pilgrim’s Pond, for which (you will remember) the convict was keeping his bullet; and I sent my walking-stick flying.”
“I had somewhat better reasons,” the governor replied coolly. “I’ll skip the first point since it’s too obvious—I mean that trendy athletes don’t run through plowed fields or scratch their eyes out in thorny hedges. They also don’t run hunched over like a crouching dog. There were more telling details for a trained eye. The man was wearing rough, ragged clothes, but they were more than just that. They were so poorly fitting that they looked ridiculous; even as he appeared as a dark shape against the rising moon, the collar of his coat, which his head was buried in, made him look like a hunchback, and the long, loose sleeves gave the impression that he had no hands. It struck me that he had somehow swapped his convict clothes for some confederate’s clothes that didn’t fit him. Also, there was a pretty strong wind against which he was running, so I would have noticed his hair blowing in streaks if it hadn’t been very short. Then I remembered that beyond the plowed fields he was crossing was Pilgrim’s Pond, which (you’ll recall) the convict was saving his bullet for; and I threw my walking stick.”
“A brilliant piece of rapid deduction,” said Father Brown; “but had he got a gun?”
"A brilliant example of quick thinking," said Father Brown; "but did he have a gun?"
As Usher stopped abruptly in his walk the priest added apologetically: “I’ve been told a bullet is not half so useful without it.”
As Usher suddenly halted his walk, the priest said apologetically: “I’ve been told a bullet isn’t nearly as effective without it.”
“He had no gun,” said the other gravely; “but that was doubtless due to some very natural mischance or change of plans. Probably the same policy that made him change the clothes made him drop the gun; he began to repent the coat he had left behind him in the blood of his victim.”
“He didn’t have a gun,” the other said seriously; “but that was probably because of some unexpected mishap or change of plans. Likely the same reasoning that made him switch his clothes also caused him to leave the gun behind; he started to regret the coat he had left stained with his victim’s blood.”
“Well, that is possible enough,” answered the priest.
"Well, that's certainly possible," the priest replied.
“And it’s hardly worth speculating on,” said Usher, turning to some other papers, “for we know it’s the man by this time.”
“And it's not really worth thinking about,” Usher said, turning to some other papers, “because we know it's the man by now.”
His clerical friend asked faintly: “But how?” And Greywood Usher threw down the newspapers and took up the two press-cuttings again.
His clerical friend asked weakly, “But how?” And Greywood Usher tossed aside the newspapers and picked up the two press cuttings again.
“Well, since you are so obstinate,” he said, “let’s begin at the beginning. You will notice that these two cuttings have only one thing in common, which is the mention of Pilgrim’s Pond, the estate, as you know, of the millionaire Ireton Todd. You also know that he is a remarkable character; one of those that rose on stepping-stones—”
“Well, since you’re so stubborn,” he said, “let’s start at the beginning. You’ll see that these two clippings have only one thing in common: the mention of Pilgrim’s Pond, the estate, as you know, of the millionaire Ireton Todd. You also know that he’s a remarkable character; one of those who climbed their way to success—”
“Of our dead selves to higher things,” assented his companion. “Yes; I know that. Petroleum, I think.”
“Of our dead selves to higher things,” agreed his companion. “Yes; I know that. Petroleum, I think.”
“Anyhow,” said Usher, “Last-Trick Todd counts for a great deal in this rum affair.”
“Anyway,” said Usher, “Last-Trick Todd matters a lot in this shady situation.”
He stretched himself once more before the fire and continued talking in his expansive, radiantly explanatory style.
He stretched out again in front of the fire and kept talking in his open, lively, and detailed style.
“To begin with, on the face of it, there is no mystery here at all. It is not mysterious, it is not even odd, that a jailbird should take his gun to Pilgrim’s Pond. Our people aren’t like the English, who will forgive a man for being rich if he throws away money on hospitals or horses. Last-Trick Todd has made himself big by his own considerable abilities; and there’s no doubt that many of those on whom he has shown his abilities would like to show theirs on him with a shot-gun. Todd might easily get dropped by some man he’d never even heard of; some labourer he’d locked out, or some clerk in a business he’d busted. Last-Trick is a man of mental endowments and a high public character; but in this country the relations of employers and employed are considerably strained.
"To start with, it seems pretty clear that there's nothing mysterious about this. It's not strange at all that an ex-convict would bring his gun to Pilgrim’s Pond. Our people are different from the English, who might overlook a wealthy man if he spends his money on hospitals or horses. Last-Trick Todd has built his reputation through his own significant skills; and there’s no doubt that many of those who are aware of his skills would love to take him down with a shotgun. Todd could easily be taken out by someone he’s never even met—maybe a worker he had locked out or a clerk from a company he drove into the ground. Last-Trick is a person of intelligence and a strong public image; but in this country, the relationship between employers and employees is pretty strained."
“That’s how the whole thing looks supposing this Rian made for Pilgrim’s Pond to kill Todd. So it looked to me, till another little discovery woke up what I have of the detective in me. When I had my prisoner safe, I picked up my cane again and strolled down the two or three turns of country road that brought me to one of the side entrances of Todd’s grounds, the one nearest to the pool or lake after which the place is named. It was some two hours ago, about seven by this time; the moonlight was more luminous, and I could see the long white streaks of it lying on the mysterious mere with its grey, greasy, half-liquid shores in which they say our fathers used to make witches walk until they sank. I’d forgotten the exact tale; but you know the place I mean; it lies north of Todd’s house towards the wilderness, and has two queer wrinkled trees, so dismal that they look more like huge fungoids than decent foliage. As I stood peering at this misty pool, I fancied I saw the faint figure of a man moving from the house towards it, but it was all too dim and distant for one to be certain of the fact, and still less of the details. Besides, my attention was very sharply arrested by something much closer. I crouched behind the fence which ran not more than two hundred yards from one wing of the great mansion, and which was fortunately split in places, as if specially for the application of a cautious eye. A door had opened in the dark bulk of the left wing, and a figure appeared black against the illuminated interior—a muffled figure bending forward, evidently peering out into the night. It closed the door behind it, and I saw it was carrying a lantern, which threw a patch of imperfect light on the dress and figure of the wearer. It seemed to be the figure of a woman, wrapped up in a ragged cloak and evidently disguised to avoid notice; there was something very strange both about the rags and the furtiveness in a person coming out of those rooms lined with gold. She took cautiously the curved garden path which brought her within half a hundred yards of me—, then she stood up for an instant on the terrace of turf that looks towards the slimy lake, and holding her flaming lantern above her head she deliberately swung it three times to and fro as for a signal. As she swung it the second time a flicker of its light fell for a moment on her own face, a face that I knew. She was unnaturally pale, and her head was bundled in her borrowed plebeian shawl; but I am certain it was Etta Todd, the millionaire’s daughter.
"That’s how everything seems if we assume that this Rian created for Pilgrim’s Pond to kill Todd. That's what I thought until another small discovery sparked the detective in me. After securing my prisoner, I grabbed my cane again and walked down the winding country road that led me to one of the side entrances of Todd’s estate, the one closest to the pool or lake that the place is named after. This was about two hours ago, around seven; the moonlight was brighter, and I could see the long white streaks shining on the mysterious lake with its gray, slimy, half-liquid shores where they say our ancestors used to make witches walk until they sank. I’d forgotten the exact story, but you know the place I mean; it lies north of Todd’s house towards the wilderness and has two strange, gnarled trees that look more like gigantic fungi than proper trees. As I stood staring at this misty pool, I thought I saw a faint figure of a man moving from the house toward it, but it was too dim and far away to be sure, especially about the details. Moreover, something much closer caught my attention. I crouched behind the fence that ran no more than two hundred yards from one wing of the large mansion, which, thankfully, had gaps in places, almost as if intended for someone watching carefully. A door opened in the dark mass of the left wing, and a figure appeared, silhouetted against the bright interior—a cloaked figure leaning forward, clearly peering out into the night. It closed the door behind it, and I noticed it was carrying a lantern, which cast a patch of imperfect light on the dress and figure of the person. It seemed to be a woman, bundled in a tattered cloak and clearly disguised to avoid being noticed; there was something very odd about both the rags and the stealthiness of someone emerging from those lavishly decorated rooms. She cautiously took the curved garden path that brought her within fifty yards of me—then she paused for a moment on the grassy terrace looking toward the murky lake, and holding her glowing lantern above her head, she deliberately swung it back and forth three times as if signaling. When she swung it the second time, a flicker of its light briefly illuminated her face—a face I recognized. She was unnaturally pale, and her head was wrapped in her borrowed common shawl; but I was certain it was Etta Todd, the millionaire’s daughter."
“She retraced her steps in equal secrecy and the door closed behind her again. I was about to climb the fence and follow, when I realized that the detective fever that had lured me into the adventure was rather undignified; and that in a more authoritative capacity I already held all the cards in my hand. I was just turning away when a new noise broke on the night. A window was thrown up in one of the upper floors, but just round the corner of the house so that I could not see it; and a voice of terrible distinctness was heard shouting across the dark garden to know where Lord Falconroy was, for he was missing from every room in the house. There was no mistaking that voice. I have heard it on many a political platform or meeting of directors; it was Ireton Todd himself. Some of the others seemed to have gone to the lower windows or on to the steps, and were calling up to him that Falconroy had gone for a stroll down to the Pilgrim’s Pond an hour before, and could not be traced since. Then Todd cried ‘Mighty Murder!’ and shut down the window violently; and I could hear him plunging down the stairs inside. Repossessing myself of my former and wiser purpose, I whipped out of the way of the general search that must follow; and returned here not later than eight o’clock.
“She retraced her steps quietly, and the door closed behind her again. I was about to climb the fence and follow her when I realized that the detective thrill that had drawn me into this adventure was pretty undignified; and that in a more official role, I already had all the information I needed. Just as I was turning away, a new sound broke the silence of the night. A window was flung open on one of the upper floors, but it was just around the corner of the house, so I couldn’t see it; and a voice, clear and urgent, shouted across the dark garden asking where Lord Falconroy was, since he was missing from every room in the house. There was no mistaking that voice. I had heard it many times on political platforms or at board meetings; it was Ireton Todd himself. Some others seemed to have gone to the lower windows or onto the steps, calling up to him that Falconroy had gone for a walk down to the Pilgrim’s Pond an hour ago and hadn’t been seen since. Then Todd exclaimed, ‘Mighty Murder!’ and slammed the window shut; I could hear him racing down the stairs inside. Remembering my earlier, wiser intention, I slipped out of the way of the general search that would inevitably follow and returned here by no later than eight o’clock."
“I now ask you to recall that little Society paragraph which seemed to you so painfully lacking in interest. If the convict was not keeping the shot for Todd, as he evidently wasn’t, it is most likely that he was keeping it for Lord Falconroy; and it looks as if he had delivered the goods. No more handy place to shoot a man than in the curious geological surroundings of that pool, where a body thrown down would sink through thick slime to a depth practically unknown. Let us suppose, then, that our friend with the cropped hair came to kill Falconroy and not Todd. But, as I have pointed out, there are many reasons why people in America might want to kill Todd. There is no reason why anybody in America should want to kill an English lord newly landed, except for the one reason mentioned in the pink paper—that the lord is paying his attentions to the millionaire’s daughter. Our crop-haired friend, despite his ill-fitting clothes, must be an aspiring lover.
“I now ask you to remember that brief Society paragraph that you found so painfully uninteresting. If the convict wasn't keeping the gun for Todd, which he clearly wasn’t, it’s most likely he was keeping it for Lord Falconroy; and it looks like he delivered the goods. There’s no better place to shoot someone than in the unique geological setting of that pool, where a body thrown in would sink through thick mud to a depth that’s practically unknown. So let’s suppose our friend with the cropped hair came to kill Falconroy and not Todd. But as I’ve mentioned, there are many reasons why people in America might want to kill Todd. There’s no reason for anyone in America to want to kill a recently arrived English lord, except for the one reason mentioned in the gossip column—that the lord is paying attention to the millionaire's daughter. Our cropped-hair friend, despite his ill-fitting clothes, must be an aspiring lover."
“I know the notion will seem to you jarring and even comic; but that’s because you are English. It sounds to you like saying the Archbishop of Canterbury’s daughter will be married in St George’s, Hanover Square, to a crossing-sweeper on ticket-of-leave. You don’t do justice to the climbing and aspiring power of our more remarkable citizens. You see a good-looking grey-haired man in evening-dress with a sort of authority about him, you know he is a pillar of the State, and you fancy he had a father. You are in error. You do not realize that a comparatively few years ago he may have been in a tenement or (quite likely) in a jail. You don’t allow for our national buoyancy and uplift. Many of our most influential citizens have not only risen recently, but risen comparatively late in life. Todd’s daughter was fully eighteen when her father first made his pile; so there isn’t really anything impossible in her having a hanger-on in low life; or even in her hanging on to him, as I think she must be doing, to judge by the lantern business. If so, the hand that held the lantern may not be unconnected with the hand that held the gun. This case, sir, will make a noise.”
"I know this idea will seem shocking and even funny to you, but that's because you're English. It sounds like saying the Archbishop of Canterbury's daughter is going to marry a street cleaner who's on parole. You're not giving enough credit to the ambition and growth of our more outstanding citizens. You see a good-looking older man in a tuxedo with a certain authority, you know he's an important figure in society, and you assume he had a respectable upbringing. You're mistaken. You don't realize that just a few years ago, he might have been living in a rundown apartment or (more likely) in prison. You overlook our national spirit and ability to rise up. Many of our most influential citizens have not only risen recently but have made significant progress later in life. Todd's daughter was fully eighteen when her father first made his fortune; so, there's really nothing impossible about her being involved with someone from a lower social status; or even about her being connected to him, as I suspect she might be, judging by the lantern situation. If that's the case, the hand that held the lantern might not be unrelated to the hand that held the gun. This case, sir, is going to cause a stir."
“Well,” said the priest patiently, “and what did you do next?”
“Well,” the priest said calmly, “what did you do next?”
“I reckon you’ll be shocked,” replied Greywood Usher, “as I know you don’t cotton to the march of science in these matters. I am given a good deal of discretion here, and perhaps take a little more than I’m given; and I thought it was an excellent opportunity to test that Psychometric Machine I told you about. Now, in my opinion, that machine can’t lie.”
“I think you’re going to be surprised,” replied Greywood Usher, “since I know you’re not a fan of the progress of science in these matters. I have quite a bit of freedom here, and maybe I take a bit more than I’m given; I saw it as a great chance to test that Psychometric Machine I mentioned to you. In my opinion, that machine can’t lie.”
“No machine can lie,” said Father Brown; “nor can it tell the truth.”
“No machine can lie,” Father Brown said, “nor can it tell the truth.”
“It did in this case, as I’ll show you,” went on Usher positively. “I sat the man in the ill-fitting clothes in a comfortable chair, and simply wrote words on a blackboard; and the machine simply recorded the variations of his pulse; and I simply observed his manner. The trick is to introduce some word connected with the supposed crime in a list of words connected with something quite different, yet a list in which it occurs quite naturally. Thus I wrote ‘heron’ and ‘eagle’ and ‘owl’, and when I wrote ‘falcon’ he was tremendously agitated; and when I began to make an ‘r’ at the end of the word, that machine just bounded. Who else in this republic has any reason to jump at the name of a newly-arrived Englishman like Falconroy except the man who’s shot him? Isn’t that better evidence than a lot of gabble from witnesses—if the evidence of a reliable machine?”
“It worked in this case, as I’ll demonstrate,” Usher continued confidently. “I had the man in the ill-fitting clothes sit in a comfortable chair, and I just wrote words on a blackboard; the machine recorded changes in his pulse; and I observed his behavior. The trick is to include a word related to the supposed crime in a list of words associated with something completely different, yet one that fits naturally. So I wrote ‘heron’ and ‘eagle’ and ‘owl’, and when I wrote ‘falcon’ he became extremely agitated; and when I started to put an ‘r’ at the end of the word, that machine just reacted strongly. Who else in this country would have a reason to react to the name of a recently arrived Englishman like Falconroy except the man who shot him? Isn’t that better evidence than a bunch of chatter from witnesses—if the evidence comes from a reliable machine?”
“You always forget,” observed his companion, “that the reliable machine always has to be worked by an unreliable machine.”
“You always forget,” his companion noted, “that a dependable machine always has to be operated by an unreliable one.”
“Why, what do you mean?” asked the detective.
“Why, what do you mean?” the detective asked.
“I mean Man,” said Father Brown, “the most unreliable machine I know of. I don’t want to be rude; and I don’t think you will consider Man to be an offensive or inaccurate description of yourself. You say you observed his manner; but how do you know you observed it right? You say the words have to come in a natural way; but how do you know that you did it naturally? How do you know, if you come to that, that he did not observe your manner? Who is to prove that you were not tremendously agitated? There was no machine tied on to your pulse.”
“I mean man,” said Father Brown, “the most unreliable machine I know. I don’t want to be rude, and I don’t think you’ll find ‘man’ to be an offensive or inaccurate way to describe yourself. You say you noticed his behavior, but how do you know you noticed it correctly? You claim the words have to come out naturally, but how can you be sure you did it naturally? How do you know he wasn’t observing your behavior? Who can prove you weren’t incredibly agitated? There was no machine monitoring your pulse.”
“I tell you,” cried the American in the utmost excitement, “I was as cool as a cucumber.”
“I swear,” shouted the American with intense excitement, “I was as calm as can be.”
“Criminals also can be as cool as cucumbers,” said Brown with a smile. “And almost as cool as you.”
“Criminals can be just as calm as can be,” said Brown with a smile. “And nearly as cool as you.”
“Well, this one wasn’t,” said Usher, throwing the papers about. “Oh, you make me tired!”
"Well, this one definitely wasn't," Usher said, tossing the papers around. "Oh, you really exhaust me!"
“I’m sorry,” said the other. “I only point out what seems a reasonable possibility. If you could tell by his manner when the word that might hang him had come, why shouldn’t he tell from your manner that the word that might hang him was coming? I should ask for more than words myself before I hanged anybody.”
“I’m sorry,” the other person replied. “I’m just pointing out what seems like a reasonable possibility. If you could tell by his behavior when the word that might get him into trouble came, why shouldn’t he be able to tell from your behavior that the word that might get him into trouble was on its way? I would want more than just words myself before I hanged anyone.”
Usher smote the table and rose in a sort of angry triumph.
Usher slammed the table and stood up in a mix of anger and victory.
“And that,” he cried, “is just what I’m going to give you. I tried the machine first just in order to test the thing in other ways afterwards and the machine, sir, is right.”
“And that,” he shouted, “is exactly what I’m going to give you. I tried the machine first just to test it in other ways later and the machine, sir, is working perfectly.”
He paused a moment and resumed with less excitement. “I rather want to insist, if it comes to that, that so far I had very little to go on except the scientific experiment. There was really nothing against the man at all. His clothes were ill-fitting, as I’ve said, but they were rather better, if anything, than those of the submerged class to which he evidently belonged. Moreover, under all the stains of his plunging through ploughed fields or bursting through dusty hedges, the man was comparatively clean. This might mean, of course, that he had only just broken prison; but it reminded me more of the desperate decency of the comparatively respectable poor. His demeanour was, I am bound to confess, quite in accordance with theirs. He was silent and dignified as they are; he seemed to have a big, but buried, grievance, as they do. He professed total ignorance of the crime and the whole question; and showed nothing but a sullen impatience for something sensible that might come to take him out of his meaningless scrape. He asked me more than once if he could telephone for a lawyer who had helped him a long time ago in a trade dispute, and in every sense acted as you would expect an innocent man to act. There was nothing against him in the world except that little finger on the dial that pointed to the change of his pulse.
He paused for a moment and continued with less enthusiasm. “I really want to emphasize that, as it stands, I had very little evidence except for the scientific experiment. There was practically nothing wrong with the man at all. His clothes were ill-fitting, as I mentioned, but they were actually better than those of the lower class he apparently came from. Plus, despite all the dirt from crawling through plowed fields or pushing through dusty hedges, the man was relatively clean. This could mean, of course, that he had just escaped from prison; but it reminded me more of the desperate decency of the relatively respectable poor. I must admit, his behavior was quite similar to theirs. He was quiet and dignified like they are; he seemed to carry a significant but hidden grievance, just like them. He claimed to know nothing about the crime or the whole situation; and he showed nothing but a grim impatience for something reasonable that could pull him out of his pointless predicament. He asked me several times if he could call a lawyer who had helped him a long time ago in a trade dispute, and in every way acted like you would expect an innocent person to act. There was nothing against him in the world except that little finger on the dial that indicated the change in his pulse.
“Then, sir, the machine was on its trial; and the machine was right. By the time I came with him out of the private room into the vestibule where all sorts of other people were awaiting examination, I think he had already more or less made up his mind to clear things up by something like a confession. He turned to me and began to say in a low voice: ‘Oh, I can’t stick this any more. If you must know all about me—’
“Then, sir, the machine was being tested, and it was working properly. By the time I came out with him from the private room into the waiting area where all kinds of other people were waiting to be examined, I think he had already somewhat decided to sort things out with what seemed like a confession. He turned to me and started to say in a quiet voice, ‘Oh, I can’t take this anymore. If you really want to know everything about me—’”
“At the same instant one of the poor women sitting on the long bench stood up, screaming aloud and pointing at him with her finger. I have never in my life heard anything more demoniacally distinct. Her lean finger seemed to pick him out as if it were a pea-shooter. Though the word was a mere howl, every syllable was as clear as a separate stroke on the clock.
“At the same moment, one of the poor women sitting on the long bench stood up, screaming and pointing at him with her finger. I’ve never heard anything so demoniacally clear in my life. Her skinny finger seemed to single him out like a pea-shooter. Even though the word was just a howl, every syllable was as distinct as a tick on a clock.”
“‘Drugger Davis!’ she shouted. ‘They’ve got Drugger Davis!’
“‘Drugger Davis!’ she shouted. ‘They’ve got Drugger Davis!’”
“Among the wretched women, mostly thieves and streetwalkers, twenty faces were turned, gaping with glee and hate. If I had never heard the words, I should have known by the very shock upon his features that the so-called Oscar Rian had heard his real name. But I’m not quite so ignorant, you may be surprised to hear. Drugger Davis was one of the most terrible and depraved criminals that ever baffled our police. It is certain he had done murder more than once long before his last exploit with the warder. But he was never entirely fixed for it, curiously enough because he did it in the same manner as those milder—or meaner—crimes for which he was fixed pretty often. He was a handsome, well-bred-looking brute, as he still is, to some extent; and he used mostly to go about with barmaids or shop-girls and do them out of their money. Very often, though, he went a good deal farther; and they were found drugged with cigarettes or chocolates and their whole property missing. Then came one case where the girl was found dead; but deliberation could not quite be proved, and, what was more practical still, the criminal could not be found. I heard a rumour of his having reappeared somewhere in the opposite character this time, lending money instead of borrowing it; but still to such poor widows as he might personally fascinate, but still with the same bad result for them. Well, there is your innocent man, and there is his innocent record. Even, since then, four criminals and three warders have identified him and confirmed the story. Now what have you got to say to my poor little machine after that? Hasn’t the machine done for him? Or do you prefer to say that the woman and I have done for him?”
“Among the miserable women, mostly thieves and streetwalkers, twenty faces turned, gaping with glee and hate. If I had never heard the words, I would have known from the shock on his face that the so-called Oscar Rian had heard his real name. But I’m not as clueless as you might think. Drugger Davis was one of the most terrifying and corrupt criminals to ever outsmart our police. It's certain he had committed murder more than once long before his last incident with the warder. Strangely enough, he was never fully charged for it because he carried it out in the same way as those lesser— or meaner—crimes for which he was often caught. He was a handsome, well-groomed brute, as he still is, to some extent; and he usually hung out with barmaids or shop-girls and manipulated them out of their money. Very often, though, he went much further; they were found drugged with cigarettes or chocolates, missing all their belongings. Then there was one case where the girl was found dead; but intent couldn’t be conclusively proven, and what was even more practical, the criminal couldn’t be found. I heard a rumor that he reappeared somewhere this time under a different guise, lending money instead of borrowing it; but still to those poor widows he could charm, and with the same bad outcome for them. Well, there is your so-called innocent man, and there is his innocent record. Even since then, four criminals and three warders have identified him and confirmed the story. Now what do you have to say to my poor little machine after that? Hasn’t the machine taken care of him? Or would you rather say that the woman and I have dealt with him?”
“As to what you’ve done for him,” replied Father Brown, rising and shaking himself in a floppy way, “you’ve saved him from the electrical chair. I don’t think they can kill Drugger Davis on that old vague story of the poison; and as for the convict who killed the warder, I suppose it’s obvious that you haven’t got him. Mr Davis is innocent of that crime, at any rate.”
"As for what you’ve done for him," Father Brown said, standing up and stretching in a loose way, "you’ve saved him from the electric chair. I doubt they can execute Drugger Davis based on that old, unclear story about the poison; and as for the convict who killed the guard, it’s pretty clear that you don’t have him. Mr. Davis is innocent of that crime, at least."
“What do you mean?” demanded the other. “Why should he be innocent of that crime?”
“What do you mean?” the other person demanded. “Why should he be innocent of that crime?”
“Why, bless us all!” cried the small man in one of his rare moments of animation, “why, because he’s guilty of the other crimes! I don’t know what you people are made of. You seem to think that all sins are kept together in a bag. You talk as if a miser on Monday were always a spendthrift on Tuesday. You tell me this man you have here spent weeks and months wheedling needy women out of small sums of money; that he used a drug at the best, and a poison at the worst; that he turned up afterwards as the lowest kind of moneylender, and cheated most poor people in the same patient and pacific style. Let it be granted—let us admit, for the sake of argument, that he did all this. If that is so, I will tell you what he didn’t do. He didn’t storm a spiked wall against a man with a loaded gun. He didn’t write on the wall with his own hand, to say he had done it. He didn’t stop to state that his justification was self-defence. He didn’t explain that he had no quarrel with the poor warder. He didn’t name the house of the rich man to which he was going with the gun. He didn’t write his own, initials in a man’s blood. Saints alive! Can’t you see the whole character is different, in good and evil? Why, you don’t seem to be like I am a bit. One would think you’d never had any vices of your own.”
“Why, bless us all!” exclaimed the small man in one of his rare moments of excitement, “why, because he’s guilty of all the other crimes! I don’t understand what you people are thinking. You act like all sins are stored away in a bag. You talk as if a miser on Monday is always a spendthrift on Tuesday. You tell me this man you have here spent weeks and months tricking needy women out of small amounts of money; that he used a drug at best, and poison at worst; that he later showed up as the lowest kind of moneylender, cheating most poor people in the same patient and calm manner. Let’s admit—just for the sake of argument—that he did all this. If that’s the case, let me tell you what he didn’t do. He didn’t charge a spiked wall at a man with a loaded gun. He didn’t write on the wall himself to say he had done it. He didn’t stop to say that his justification was self-defense. He didn’t explain that he had no issue with the poor guard. He didn’t mention the house of the rich man to whom he was going with the gun. He didn’t sign his own initials in a man’s blood. Good heavens! Can’t you see the whole character is different, in good and evil? Why, you don’t seem to be like I am at all. One would think you’ve never had any vices of your own.”
The amazed American had already parted his lips in protest when the door of his private and official room was hammered and rattled in an unceremonious way to which he was totally unaccustomed.
The stunned American had already opened his mouth to protest when the door to his private and official room was pounded and shaken in a way he was completely unused to.
The door flew open. The moment before Greywood Usher had been coming to the conclusion that Father Brown might possibly be mad. The moment after he began to think he was mad himself. There burst and fell into his private room a man in the filthiest rags, with a greasy squash hat still askew on his head, and a shabby green shade shoved up from one of his eyes, both of which were glaring like a tiger’s. The rest of his face was almost undiscoverable, being masked with a matted beard and whiskers through which the nose could barely thrust itself, and further buried in a squalid red scarf or handkerchief. Mr Usher prided himself on having seen most of the roughest specimens in the State, but he thought he had never seen such a baboon dressed as a scarecrow as this. But, above all, he had never in all his placid scientific existence heard a man like that speak to him first.
The door swung open. Just before, Greywood Usher had been coming to the conclusion that Father Brown might actually be crazy. Just after, he started to think he might be the one losing his mind. A man stumbled into his private room wearing the dirtiest rags, with a greasy squash hat crooked on his head, and a shabby green shade pushed up from one of his eyes, which were both glaring like a tiger’s. The rest of his face was almost unrecognizable, hidden behind a matted beard and whiskers that barely allowed his nose to peek through, further obscured by a filthy red scarf or handkerchief. Mr. Usher prided himself on having encountered most of the roughest characters in the State, but he thought he had never seen anyone more like a baboon dressed as a scarecrow than this. Above all, he had never, in all his calm scientific life, heard a man like that speak to him first.
“See here, old man Usher,” shouted the being in the red handkerchief, “I’m getting tired. Don’t you try any of your hide-and-seek on me; I don’t get fooled any. Leave go of my guests, and I’ll let up on the fancy clockwork. Keep him here for a split instant and you’ll feel pretty mean. I reckon I’m not a man with no pull.”
“Hey, old man Usher,” yelled the guy in the red handkerchief, “I’m getting fed up. Don’t try any of your hide-and-seek games with me; I’m not falling for it. Let go of my guests, and I’ll stop messing with the fancy clockwork. Keep him here for just a second and you’ll regret it. I’d say I’m not a guy without influence.”
The eminent Usher was regarding the bellowing monster with an amazement which had dried up all other sentiments. The mere shock to his eyes had rendered his ears, almost useless. At last he rang a bell with a hand of violence. While the bell was still strong and pealing, the voice of Father Brown fell soft but distinct.
The renowned Usher was staring at the roaring beast in disbelief, which had wiped out all other emotions. The sheer shock to his eyes had made his ears almost ineffective. Finally, he struck a bell with force. While the bell was still ringing loudly, Father Brown's voice came through soft yet clear.
“I have a suggestion to make,” he said, “but it seems a little confusing. I don’t know this gentleman—but—but I think I know him. Now, you know him—you know him quite well—but you don’t know him—naturally. Sounds paradoxical, I know.”
“I have an idea,” he said, “but it’s a bit confusing. I don’t really know this guy—but I feel like I know him. Now, you know him—you know him pretty well—but you don’t really know him—of course. It does sound contradictory, I get that.”
“I reckon the Cosmos is cracked,” said Usher, and fell asprawl in his round office chair.
“I think the universe is messed up,” said Usher, and slumped back in his round office chair.
“Now, see here,” vociferated the stranger, striking the table, but speaking in a voice that was all the more mysterious because it was comparatively mild and rational though still resounding. “I won’t let you in. I want—”
“Now, listen up,” shouted the stranger, hitting the table, but his voice was all the more mysterious because it was relatively calm and reasonable, yet still booming. “I won’t let you in. I want—”
“Who in hell are you?” yelled Usher, suddenly sitting up straight.
“Who the hell are you?” yelled Usher, suddenly sitting up straight.
“I think the gentleman’s name is Todd,” said the priest.
“I think the guy's name is Todd,” said the priest.
Then he picked up the pink slip of newspaper.
Then he picked up the pink piece of newspaper.
“I fear you don’t read the Society papers properly,” he said, and began to read out in a monotonous voice, “‘Or locked in the jewelled bosoms of our city’s gayest leaders; but there is talk of a pretty parody of the manners and customs of the other end of Society’s scale.’ There’s been a big Slum Dinner up at Pilgrim’s Pond tonight; and a man, one of the guests, disappeared. Mr Ireton Todd is a good host, and has tracked him here, without even waiting to take off his fancy-dress.”
“I’m afraid you don’t read the Society papers properly,” he said, and started to read in a monotone, “‘Or locked in the jeweled bosoms of our city’s most extravagant leaders; but there’s chatter about a clever parody of the behaviors and traditions of the lower end of Society’s spectrum.’ There was a big Slum Dinner at Pilgrim’s Pond tonight, and one of the guests vanished. Mr. Ireton Todd is a great host and has traced him here, without even pausing to change out of his costume.”
“What man do you mean?”
“What guy are you talking about?”
“I mean the man with comically ill-fitting clothes you saw running across the ploughed field. Hadn’t you better go and investigate him? He will be rather impatient to get back to his champagne, from which he ran away in such a hurry, when the convict with the gun hove in sight.”
“I mean the guy in the ridiculously oversized clothes you saw running across the plowed field. Don’t you think you should go check on him? He’s probably eager to get back to his champagne, which he ditched in a hurry when that convict with the gun showed up.”
“Do you seriously mean—” began the official.
“Are you actually saying—” started the official.
“Why, look here, Mr Usher,” said Father Brown quietly, “you said the machine couldn’t make a mistake; and in one sense it didn’t. But the other machine did; the machine that worked it. You assumed that the man in rags jumped at the name of Lord Falconroy, because he was Lord Falconroy’s murderer. He jumped at the name of Lord Falconroy because he is Lord Falconroy.”
“Look here, Mr. Usher,” Father Brown said calmly, “you claimed the machine couldn’t make a mistake; and in a way, it didn’t. But the other machine did—the one that operated it. You thought that the man in rags reacted to the name of Lord Falconroy because he was Lord Falconroy’s murderer. He reacted to the name of Lord Falconroy because he is Lord Falconroy.”
“Then why the blazes didn’t he say so?” demanded the staring Usher.
“Then why the heck didn’t he say that?” demanded the staring Usher.
“He felt his plight and recent panic were hardly patrician,” replied the priest, “so he tried to keep the name back at first. But he was just going to tell it you, when”—and Father Brown looked down at his boots—“when a woman found another name for him.”
“He felt his situation and recent anxiety were hardly noble,” replied the priest, “so he tried to hold back the name at first. But he was just about to tell it to you when”—and Father Brown looked down at his boots—“when a woman found another name for him.”
“But you can’t be so mad as to say,” said Greywood Usher, very white, “that Lord Falconroy was Drugger Davis.”
“But you can’t be so angry as to say,” said Greywood Usher, very pale, “that Lord Falconroy was Drugger Davis.”
The priest looked at him very earnestly, but with a baffling and undecipherable face.
The priest stared at him intently, but his expression was confusing and impossible to read.
“I am not saying anything about it,” he said. “I leave all the rest to you. Your pink paper says that the title was recently revived for him; but those papers are very unreliable. It says he was in the States in youth; but the whole story seems very strange. Davis and Falconroy are both pretty considerable cowards, but so are lots of other men. I would not hang a dog on my own opinion about this. But I think,” he went on softly and reflectively, “I think you Americans are too modest. I think you idealize the English aristocracy—even in assuming it to be so aristocratic. You see a good-looking Englishman in evening-dress; you know he’s in the House of Lords; and you fancy he has a father. You don’t allow for our national buoyancy and uplift. Many of our most influential noblemen have not only risen recently, but—”
“I’m not saying anything about it,” he said. “I’m leaving the rest to you. Your pink paper says that the title was recently revived for him, but those papers aren't very reliable. It mentions he was in the States when he was young, but the whole story seems pretty strange. Davis and Falconroy are both significant cowards, but so are a lot of other men. I wouldn’t stake my opinion on this. But I think,” he continued softly and thoughtfully, “I think you Americans are too modest. I think you idealize the English aristocracy—even in assuming it’s so aristocratic. You see a good-looking Englishman in evening dress; you just know he’s in the House of Lords, and you imagine he has a father. You don’t take into account our national buoyancy and uplift. Many of our most influential noblemen have not only risen recently, but—”
“Oh, stop it!” cried Greywood Usher, wringing one lean hand in impatience against a shade of irony in the other’s face.
“Oh, stop it!” cried Greywood Usher, wringing one slender hand in frustration against the hint of irony in the other’s face.
“Don’t stay talking to this lunatic!” cried Todd brutally. “Take me to my friend.”
“Don’t keep talking to this crazy person!” Todd shouted harshly. “Take me to my friend.”
Next morning Father Brown appeared with the same demure expression, carrying yet another piece of pink newspaper.
Next morning, Father Brown showed up with the same modest expression, holding yet another piece of pink newspaper.
“I’m afraid you neglect the fashionable press rather,” he said, “but this cutting may interest you.”
“I’m afraid you’re overlooking the trendy media a bit,” he said, “but this article might catch your interest.”
Usher read the headlines, “Last-Trick’s Strayed Revellers: Mirthful Incident near Pilgrim’s Pond.” The paragraph went on: “A laughable occurrence took place outside Wilkinson’s Motor Garage last night. A policeman on duty had his attention drawn by larrikins to a man in prison dress who was stepping with considerable coolness into the steering-seat of a pretty high-toned Panhard; he was accompanied by a girl wrapped in a ragged shawl. On the police interfering, the young woman threw back the shawl, and all recognized Millionaire Todd’s daughter, who had just come from the Slum Freak Dinner at the Pond, where all the choicest guests were in a similar deshabille. She and the gentleman who had donned prison uniform were going for the customary joy-ride.”
Usher read the headlines, “Last-Trick’s Strayed Revelers: Funny Incident near Pilgrim’s Pond.” The paragraph continued: “A hilarious event happened outside Wilkinson’s Motor Garage last night. A police officer on duty was alerted by some rowdy kids to a man in prison clothes who was calmly getting into the driver's seat of a fancy Panhard; he was with a girl wrapped in a tattered shawl. When the police intervened, the young woman threw back the shawl, and everyone recognized Millionaire Todd’s daughter, who had just come from the Slum Freak Dinner at the Pond, where all the best guests were dressed similarly. She and the guy in the prison uniform were off for their usual joyride.”
Under the pink slip Mr Usher found a strip of a later paper, headed, “Astounding Escape of Millionaire’s Daughter with Convict. She had Arranged Freak Dinner. Now Safe in—”
Under the pink slip, Mr. Usher found a strip of later paper that read, “Astounding Escape of Millionaire’s Daughter with Convict. She Had Arranged Freak Dinner. Now Safe in—”
Mr Greenwood Usher lifted his eyes, but Father Brown was gone.
Mr. Greenwood Usher looked up, but Father Brown was no longer there.
SIX — The Head of Caesar
THERE is somewhere in Brompton or Kensington an interminable avenue of tall houses, rich but largely empty, that looks like a terrace of tombs. The very steps up to the dark front doors seem as steep as the side of pyramids; one would hesitate to knock at the door, lest it should be opened by a mummy. But a yet more depressing feature in the grey facade is its telescopic length and changeless continuity. The pilgrim walking down it begins to think he will never come to a break or a corner; but there is one exception—a very small one, but hailed by the pilgrim almost with a shout. There is a sort of mews between two of the tall mansions, a mere slit like the crack of a door by comparison with the street, but just large enough to permit a pigmy ale-house or eating-house, still allowed by the rich to their stable-servants, to stand in the angle. There is something cheery in its very dinginess, and something free and elfin in its very insignificance. At the feet of those grey stone giants it looks like a lighted house of dwarfs.
THERE is somewhere in Brompton or Kensington an endless street of tall houses, wealthy but mostly vacant, that resembles a row of tombs. The very steps leading up to the dark front doors seem as steep as the sides of pyramids; one might hesitate to knock, fearing it might be opened by a mummy. But an even more dismal aspect of the grey facade is its long, unchanging stretch. The traveler walking down it starts to think they'll never see a break or a corner; but there is one exception—a very small one, but greeted by the traveler almost with a shout. There’s a sort of mews between two of the tall mansions, a narrow gap like the crack of a door compared to the street, but just big enough to allow a tiny pub or eatery, still permitted by the wealthy for their stable servants, to stand in the corner. There is something cheerful in its dinginess, and something free and whimsical in its insignificance. At the feet of those grey stone giants, it looks like a cozy little house for dwarfs.
Anyone passing the place during a certain autumn evening, itself almost fairylike, might have seen a hand pull aside the red half-blind which (along with some large white lettering) half hid the interior from the street, and a face peer out not unlike a rather innocent goblin’s. It was, in fact, the face of one with the harmless human name of Brown, formerly priest of Cobhole in Essex, and now working in London. His friend, Flambeau, a semi-official investigator, was sitting opposite him, making his last notes of a case he had cleared up in the neighbourhood. They were sitting at a small table, close up to the window, when the priest pulled the curtain back and looked out. He waited till a stranger in the street had passed the window, to let the curtain fall into its place again. Then his round eyes rolled to the large white lettering on the window above his head, and then strayed to the next table, at which sat only a navvy with beer and cheese, and a young girl with red hair and a glass of milk. Then (seeing his friend put away the pocket-book), he said softly:
Anyone passing by that place on a certain autumn evening, which was almost magical, might have seen a hand pull back the red half-blind that partially covered the large white lettering, hiding the interior from the street, and a face peek out that looked a bit like an innocent goblin. It was, in fact, the face of a harmless guy named Brown, who used to be a priest in Cobhole, Essex, and was now working in London. His friend, Flambeau, a semi-official investigator, was sitting across from him, making his final notes on a case he had solved in the area. They were at a small table, right by the window, when the priest pushed back the curtain and looked outside. He waited until a stranger on the street had walked past the window, then let the curtain fall back into place. After that, his round eyes moved to the large white lettering above him, and then wandered to the next table, where a laborer was sitting with beer and cheese, and a young girl with red hair was having a glass of milk. Then, noticing his friend putting away his notebook, he said softly:
“If you’ve got ten minutes, I wish you’d follow that man with the false nose.”
“If you have ten minutes, I’d like you to follow that guy with the fake nose.”
Flambeau looked up in surprise; but the girl with the red hair also looked up, and with something that was stronger than astonishment. She was simply and even loosely dressed in light brown sacking stuff; but she was a lady, and even, on a second glance, a rather needlessly haughty one. “The man with the false nose!” repeated Flambeau. “Who’s he?”
Flambeau looked up in surprise, but the girl with the red hair also looked up, and her expression showed more than just shock. She was dressed simply and even a bit casually in light brown fabric, but she carried herself like a lady, and upon closer inspection, she seemed to be a bit unnecessarily proud. “The guy with the fake nose!” Flambeau exclaimed. “Who is he?”
“I haven’t a notion,” answered Father Brown. “I want you to find out; I ask it as a favour. He went down there”—and he jerked his thumb over his shoulder in one of his undistinguished gestures—“and can’t have passed three lamp-posts yet. I only want to know the direction.”
“I have no idea,” Father Brown replied. “I need you to figure it out; I’m asking you as a favor. He went down there”—he casually pointed over his shoulder—“and he can’t have passed more than three lamp posts yet. I just want to know which way he went.”
Flambeau gazed at his friend for some time, with an expression between perplexity and amusement; and then, rising from the table; squeezed his huge form out of the little door of the dwarf tavern, and melted into the twilight.
Flambeau stared at his friend for a while, showing a mix of confusion and amusement; then, getting up from the table, he squeezed his large frame through the small door of the tiny tavern and disappeared into the twilight.
Father Brown took a small book out of his pocket and began to read steadily; he betrayed no consciousness of the fact that the red-haired lady had left her own table and sat down opposite him. At last she leaned over and said in a low, strong voice: “Why do you say that? How do you know it’s false?”
Father Brown pulled a small book from his pocket and started reading intently; he showed no awareness that the red-haired woman had left her table and moved to sit across from him. Finally, she leaned in and asked in a low, confident voice, “Why do you say that? How do you know it’s not true?”
He lifted his rather heavy eyelids, which fluttered in considerable embarrassment. Then his dubious eye roamed again to the white lettering on the glass front of the public-house. The young woman’s eyes followed his, and rested there also, but in pure puzzledom.
He lifted his heavy eyelids, which fluttered with noticeable embarrassment. Then his uncertain gaze went back to the white lettering on the glass front of the pub. The young woman's eyes followed his and landed there too, but in total confusion.
“No,” said Father Brown, answering her thoughts. “It doesn’t say ‘Sela’, like the thing in the Psalms; I read it like that myself when I was wool-gathering just now; it says ‘Ales.’”
“No,” said Father Brown, replying to her thoughts. “It doesn’t say ‘Sela,’ like the thing in the Psalms; I thought it said that too when I was daydreaming just now; it says ‘Ales.’”
“Well?” inquired the staring young lady. “What does it matter what it says?”
“Well?” asked the young lady, staring. “What difference does it make what it says?”
His ruminating eye roved to the girl’s light canvas sleeve, round the wrist of which ran a very slight thread of artistic pattern, just enough to distinguish it from a working-dress of a common woman and make it more like the working-dress of a lady art-student. He seemed to find much food for thought in this; but his reply was very slow and hesitant. “You see, madam,” he said, “from outside the place looks—well, it is a perfectly decent place—but ladies like you don’t—don’t generally think so. They never go into such places from choice, except—”
His thoughtful gaze wandered to the girl's light canvas sleeve, around the wrist of which was a very subtle thread of artistic design, just enough to set it apart from the working dress of an ordinary woman and make it resemble the working dress of a lady art student more. He seemed to find a lot to think about in this; but his response was very slow and unsure. “You see, ma'am,” he said, “from the outside, the place looks—well, it is a perfectly decent place—but ladies like you don’t—don’t usually think so. They never choose to go into such places, except—”
“Well?” she repeated.
"Well?" she repeated.
“Except an unfortunate few who don’t go in to drink milk.”
“Except for a few unfortunate people who don’t go in to drink milk.”
“You are a most singular person,” said the young lady. “What is your object in all this?”
"You’re a really unique person," said the young lady. "What’s your goal in all this?"
“Not to trouble you about it,” he replied, very gently. “Only to arm myself with knowledge enough to help you, if ever you freely ask my help.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he responded softly. “I just want to equip myself with enough knowledge to assist you if you ever decide to ask for my help.”
“But why should I need help?”
“But why do I need help?”
He continued his dreamy monologue. “You couldn’t have come in to see protegees, humble friends, that sort of thing, or you’d have gone through into the parlour... and you couldn’t have come in because you were ill, or you’d have spoken to the woman of the place, who’s obviously respectable... besides, you don’t look ill in that way, but only unhappy.... This street is the only original long lane that has no turning; and the houses on both sides are shut up.... I could only suppose that you’d seen somebody coming whom you didn’t want to meet; and found the public-house was the only shelter in this wilderness of stone.... I don’t think I went beyond the licence of a stranger in glancing at the only man who passed immediately after.... And as I thought he looked like the wrong sort... and you looked like the right sort.... I held myself ready to help if he annoyed you; that is all. As for my friend, he’ll be back soon; and he certainly can’t find out anything by stumping down a road like this.... I didn’t think he could.”
He continued his dreamy monologue. “You couldn’t have come in to see protégés, humble friends, or anything like that, or you would have gone into the parlor... and you couldn’t have come in because you were sick, or you would have talked to the woman in charge, who’s clearly respectable... besides, you don’t look sick that way, just unhappy.... This street is the only original long lane that doesn’t have a turn; and the houses on both sides are boarded up.... I could only guess that you saw someone coming whom you didn’t want to encounter; and found the pub was the only shelter in this stony wasteland.... I don’t think I overstepped the boundaries as a stranger by glancing at the only man who passed right after.... And since I thought he looked like the wrong kind... and you looked like the right kind.... I was ready to help if he bothered you; that’s all. As for my friend, he’ll be back soon; and he definitely can’t find out anything by stomping down a road like this.... I didn’t think he could.”
“Then why did you send him out?” she cried, leaning forward with yet warmer curiosity. She had the proud, impetuous face that goes with reddish colouring, and a Roman nose, as it did in Marie Antoinette.
“Then why did you send him out?” she exclaimed, leaning forward with even more curiosity. She had the proud, impulsive face that comes with a reddish complexion and a Roman nose, just like Marie Antoinette.
He looked at her steadily for the first time, and said: “Because I hoped you would speak to me.”
He looked at her directly for the first time and said, “Because I was hoping you would talk to me.”
She looked back at him for some time with a heated face, in which there hung a red shadow of anger; then, despite her anxieties, humour broke out of her eyes and the corners of her mouth, and she answered almost grimly: “Well, if you’re so keen on my conversation, perhaps you’ll answer my question.” After a pause she added: “I had the honour to ask you why you thought the man’s nose was false.”
She looked back at him for a while with a flushed face, showing a hint of anger; then, despite her worries, a spark of humor shone in her eyes and curled at the corners of her mouth, and she replied almost seriously: “Well, if you're so eager to chat with me, maybe you'll answer my question.” After a pause, she added: “I had the pleasure of asking you why you thought the guy's nose was fake.”
“The wax always spots like that just a little in this weather,” answered Father Brown with entire simplicity.
“The wax always leaves spots like that just a little in this weather,” Father Brown replied straightforwardly.
“But it’s such a crooked nose,” remonstrated the red-haired girl.
“But it’s such a crooked nose,” complained the red-haired girl.
The priest smiled in his turn. “I don’t say it’s the sort of nose one would wear out of mere foppery,” he admitted. “This man, I think, wears it because his real nose is so much nicer.”
The priest smiled back. “I’m not saying it’s the kind of nose someone would wear just for show,” he admitted. “I think this guy wears it because his real nose is way nicer.”
“But why?” she insisted.
"But why?" she demanded.
“What is the nursery-rhyme?” observed Brown absent-mindedly. “There was a crooked man and he went a crooked mile.... That man, I fancy, has gone a very crooked road—by following his nose.”
“What’s the nursery rhyme?” Brown said, lost in thought. “There was a crooked man and he went a crooked mile.... That guy, I imagine, has taken a really twisted path—by following his instincts.”
“Why, what’s he done?” she demanded, rather shakily.
“Why, what has he done?” she asked, a bit nervously.
“I don’t want to force your confidence by a hair,” said Father Brown, very quietly. “But I think you could tell me more about that than I can tell you.”
“I don’t want to pressure you into trusting me at all,” said Father Brown, very quietly. “But I think you might be able to share more about that than I can share with you.”
The girl sprang to her feet and stood quite quietly, but with clenched hands, like one about to stride away; then her hands loosened slowly, and she sat down again. “You are more of a mystery than all the others,” she said desperately, “but I feel there might be a heart in your mystery.”
The girl jumped to her feet and stood still, but with her hands clenched, like someone ready to walk away; then her hands gradually relaxed, and she sat down again. “You’re more of a mystery than everyone else,” she said urgently, “but I sense there might be a heart behind your mystery.”
“What we all dread most,” said the priest in a low voice, “is a maze with no centre. That is why atheism is only a nightmare.” “I will tell you everything,” said the red-haired girl doggedly, “except why I am telling you; and that I don’t know.”
“What we all fear the most,” said the priest quietly, “is a maze without a center. That’s why atheism is just a nightmare.” “I’ll tell you everything,” said the red-haired girl determinedly, “except for why I’m telling you; and I don’t know that.”
She picked at the darned table-cloth and went on: “You look as if you knew what isn’t snobbery as well as what is; and when I say that ours is a good old family, you’ll understand it is a necessary part of the story; indeed, my chief danger is in my brother’s high-and-dry notions, noblesse oblige and all that. Well, my name is Christabel Carstairs; and my father was that Colonel Carstairs you’ve probably heard of, who made the famous Carstairs Collection of Roman coins. I could never describe my father to you; the nearest I can say is that he was very like a Roman coin himself. He was as handsome and as genuine and as valuable and as metallic and as out-of-date. He was prouder of his Collection than of his coat-of-arms—nobody could say more than that. His extraordinary character came out most in his will. He had two sons and one daughter. He quarrelled with one son, my brother Giles, and sent him to Australia on a small allowance. He then made a will leaving the Carstairs Collection, actually with a yet smaller allowance, to my brother Arthur. He meant it as a reward, as the highest honour he could offer, in acknowledgement of Arthur’s loyalty and rectitude and the distinctions he had already gained in mathematics and economics at Cambridge. He left me practically all his pretty large fortune; and I am sure he meant it in contempt.
She fiddled with the worn tablecloth and continued, “You look like you know the difference between being snobbish and not; and when I mention that ours is a good old family, you’ll see it’s an essential part of the story. Truly, my biggest problem is my brother’s uptight ideas, noblesse oblige and all that. Anyway, my name is Christabel Carstairs; my father was Colonel Carstairs, the one you’ve likely heard of, who created the famous Carstairs Collection of Roman coins. I can’t really describe my father to you; all I can say is he was a lot like a Roman coin himself. He was handsome, genuine, valuable, metallic, and definitely outdated. He cared more about his Collection than his family crest—no one could say more than that. His unique character really showed in his will. He had two sons and a daughter. He had a falling out with one son, my brother Giles, and sent him to Australia on a small budget. Then he made a will leaving the Carstairs Collection, with an even smaller budget, to my brother Arthur. He intended it as a reward, the highest honor he could give, recognizing Arthur’s loyalty and integrity, along with the achievements he had already made in math and economics at Cambridge. He left me almost all of his sizable fortune; and I’m sure he meant it as a sign of contempt.”
“Arthur, you may say, might well complain of this; but Arthur is my father over again. Though he had some differences with my father in early youth, no sooner had he taken over the Collection than he became like a pagan priest dedicated to a temple. He mixed up these Roman halfpence with the honour of the Carstairs family in the same stiff, idolatrous way as his father before him. He acted as if Roman money must be guarded by all the Roman virtues. He took no pleasures; he spent nothing on himself; he lived for the Collection. Often he would not trouble to dress for his simple meals; but pattered about among the corded brown-paper parcels (which no one else was allowed to touch) in an old brown dressing-gown. With its rope and tassel and his pale, thin, refined face, it made him look like an old ascetic monk. Every now and then, though, he would appear dressed like a decidedly fashionable gentleman; but that was only when he went up to the London sales or shops to make an addition to the Carstairs Collection.
“Arthur might have a reason to complain about this; but Arthur is just like my father. Although he had some disagreements with my dad in his early years, as soon as he took over the Collection, he became like a pagan priest devoted to a temple. He mixed these Roman coins with the honor of the Carstairs family in the same rigid, idolatrous way as his father did. He acted as if Roman money needed to be protected by all the Roman virtues. He didn’t indulge himself; he spent nothing on himself; he lived solely for the Collection. Often, he wouldn’t bother to dress for his simple meals; instead, he’d wander around the corded brown-paper parcels (which no one else was allowed to touch) in an old brown dressing gown. With its rope and tassel and his pale, thin, refined face, he looked like an old ascetic monk. Every now and then, though, he would appear dressed like a very fashionable gentleman; but that was only when he went to the London auctions or shops to add to the Carstairs Collection.”
“Now, if you’ve known any young people, you won’t be shocked if I say that I got into rather a low frame of mind with all this; the frame of mind in which one begins to say that the Ancient Romans were all very well in their way. I’m not like my brother Arthur; I can’t help enjoying enjoyment. I got a lot of romance and rubbish where I got my red hair, from the other side of the family. Poor Giles was the same; and I think the atmosphere of coins might count in excuse for him; though he really did wrong and nearly went to prison. But he didn’t behave any worse than I did; as you shall hear.
“Now, if you’ve met any young people, you won’t be surprised when I say that I ended up feeling pretty down about all this; the kind of mood where you start thinking that the Ancient Romans were pretty impressive in their own way. I’m not like my brother Arthur; I can’t help but enjoy life. I got a lot of my imagination and nonsense from my other side of the family, where I got my red hair. Poor Giles was the same; and I think the influence of money might explain some of his actions, even though he really messed up and almost went to jail. But he didn’t act any worse than I did; as you’ll see.
“I come now to the silly part of the story. I think a man as clever as you can guess the sort of thing that would begin to relieve the monotony for an unruly girl of seventeen placed in such a position. But I am so rattled with more dreadful things that I can hardly read my own feeling; and don’t know whether I despise it now as a flirtation or bear it as a broken heart. We lived then at a little seaside watering-place in South Wales, and a retired sea-captain living a few doors off had a son about five years older than myself, who had been a friend of Giles before he went to the Colonies. His name does not affect my tale; but I tell you it was Philip Hawker, because I am telling you everything. We used to go shrimping together, and said and thought we were in love with each other; at least he certainly said he was, and I certainly thought I was. If I tell you he had bronzed curly hair and a falconish sort of face, bronzed by the sea also, it’s not for his sake, I assure you, but for the story; for it was the cause of a very curious coincidence.
“I’m getting to the silly part of the story now. I think someone as sharp as you can imagine what would start to break the monotony for a rebellious seventeen-year-old girl in such a situation. But I’m so shaken by more terrible things that I can hardly read my own feelings; I don’t know if I hate it now as a fling or suffer through it as a broken heart. At that time, we lived in a small seaside resort in South Wales, and a retired sea captain who lived a few doors down had a son about five years older than me, who had been friends with Giles before he went to the Colonies. His name doesn't really matter to my story, but I’ll tell you it was Philip Hawker, because I’m sharing everything. We used to go shrimping together and said we were in love with each other; at least he definitely said he was, and I really thought I was. If I mention that he had curly bronze hair and a somewhat hawkish face, bronzed by the sea as well, it’s not for his sake, I promise, but for the story; because it caused a very interesting coincidence.”
“One summer afternoon, when I had promised to go shrimping along the sands with Philip, I was waiting rather impatiently in the front drawing-room, watching Arthur handle some packets of coins he had just purchased and slowly shunt them, one or two at a time, into his own dark study and museum which was at the back of the house. As soon as I heard the heavy door close on him finally, I made a bolt for my shrimping-net and tam-o’-shanter and was just going to slip out, when I saw that my brother had left behind him one coin that lay gleaming on the long bench by the window. It was a bronze coin, and the colour, combined with the exact curve of the Roman nose and something in the very lift of the long, wiry neck, made the head of Caesar on it the almost precise portrait of Philip Hawker. Then I suddenly remembered Giles telling Philip of a coin that was like him, and Philip wishing he had it. Perhaps you can fancy the wild, foolish thoughts with which my head went round; I felt as if I had had a gift from the fairies. It seemed to me that if I could only run away with this, and give it to Philip like a wild sort of wedding-ring, it would be a bond between us for ever; I felt a thousand such things at once. Then there yawned under me, like the pit, the enormous, awful notion of what I was doing; above all, the unbearable thought, which was like touching hot iron, of what Arthur would think of it. A Carstairs a thief; and a thief of the Carstairs treasure! I believe my brother could see me burned like a witch for such a thing, But then, the very thought of such fanatical cruelty heightened my old hatred of his dingy old antiquarian fussiness and my longing for the youth and liberty that called to me from the sea. Outside was strong sunlight with a wind; and a yellow head of some broom or gorse in the garden rapped against the glass of the window. I thought of that living and growing gold calling to me from all the heaths of the world—and then of that dead, dull gold and bronze and brass of my brother’s growing dustier and dustier as life went by. Nature and the Carstairs Collection had come to grips at last.
“One summer afternoon, when I had promised to go shrimping along the beach with Philip, I was waiting a bit impatiently in the front living room, watching Arthur handle some packets of coins he had just bought and slowly move them, one or two at a time, into his dark study and museum at the back of the house. As soon as I heard the heavy door shut behind him, I rushed for my shrimping net and tam-o'-shanter and was about to slip out when I noticed that my brother had left behind a shiny coin lying on the long bench by the window. It was a bronze coin, and the color, along with the exact curve of the Roman nose and something about the way the long, wiry neck lifted, made the head of Caesar on it almost an exact portrait of Philip Hawker. Then I suddenly remembered Giles telling Philip about a coin that looked like him, and Philip wishing he had it. You can imagine the wild, foolish thoughts swirling in my head; I felt as if I had received a gift from the fairies. It seemed to me that if I could just run away with this and give it to Philip like a wild sort of wedding ring, it would bond us forever; I felt a thousand things at once. But then, the overwhelming, awful realization of what I was doing hit me; above all, the unbearable thought, like touching hot iron, of what Arthur would think. A Carstairs as a thief; and a thief of the Carstairs treasure! I believed my brother could see me burned like a witch for such a thing. But then, even the thought of such cruel judgment intensified my old hatred for his dusty antiquarian obsession and my longing for the youth and freedom that called to me from the sea. Outside was bright sunlight with a wind, and a yellow bloom of broom or gorse in the garden tapped against the glass of the window. I thought of that vibrant, growing gold calling to me from all the heaths of the world—and then of that dead, dull gold and bronze and brass of my brother’s collection growing dustier as life went by. Nature and the Carstairs Collection had finally come to a head.”
“Nature is older than the Carstairs Collection. As I ran down the streets to the sea, the coin clenched tight in my fist, I felt all the Roman Empire on my back as well as the Carstairs pedigree. It was not only the old lion argent that was roaring in my ear, but all the eagles of the Caesars seemed flapping and screaming in pursuit of me. And yet my heart rose higher and higher like a child’s kite, until I came over the loose, dry sand-hills and to the flat, wet sands, where Philip stood already up to his ankles in the shallow shining water, some hundred yards out to sea. There was a great red sunset; and the long stretch of low water, hardly rising over the ankle for half a mile, was like a lake of ruby flame. It was not till I had torn off my shoes and stockings and waded to where he stood, which was well away from the dry land, that I turned and looked round. We were quite alone in a circle of sea-water and wet sand, and I gave him the head of Caesar.
“Nature is older than the Carstairs Collection. As I sprinted down the streets toward the sea, the coin tightly clenched in my fist, I felt the weight of the entire Roman Empire on my back along with the Carstairs lineage. It was not just the old lion roaring in my ear, but all the eagles of the Caesars seemed to be flapping and screaming in pursuit of me. And yet my heart soared higher and higher like a child's kite, until I came over the loose, dry sand dunes and reached the flat, wet sands, where Philip was already standing, up to his ankles in the shallow, shimmering water, a hundred yards out to sea. There was a stunning red sunset; and the long stretch of shallow water, barely rising over the ankle for half a mile, looked like a lake of ruby flame. It wasn't until I had kicked off my shoes and socks and waded out to where he stood, well away from dry land, that I turned and took a look around. We were completely alone in a circle of seawater and wet sand, and I handed him the head of Caesar.”
“At the very instant I had a shock of fancy: that a man far away on the sand-hills was looking at me intently. I must have felt immediately after that it was a mere leap of unreasonable nerves; for the man was only a dark dot in the distance, and I could only just see that he was standing quite still and gazing, with his head a little on one side. There was no earthly logical evidence that he was looking at me; he might have been looking at a ship, or the sunset, or the sea-gulls, or at any of the people who still strayed here and there on the shore between us. Nevertheless, whatever my start sprang from was prophetic; for, as I gazed, he started walking briskly in a bee-line towards us across the wide wet sands. As he drew nearer and nearer I saw that he was dark and bearded, and that his eyes were marked with dark spectacles. He was dressed poorly but respectably in black, from the old black top hat on his head to the solid black boots on his feet. In spite of these he walked straight into the sea without a flash of hesitation, and came on at me with the steadiness of a travelling bullet.
“At that very moment, I had a sudden feeling that a man far away on the sand dunes was staring at me. I probably realized right after that it was just an irrational jolt of nerves; after all, the man was just a dark spot in the distance, and I could barely see that he was standing still, gazing with his head tilted slightly to one side. There was no logical reason to believe he was looking at me; he could have been watching a ship, the sunset, the seagulls, or any of the people who were still wandering along the shore between us. Still, whatever prompted my surprise was somehow prophetic; because, as I watched, he began walking purposefully in a straight line towards us across the wide, wet sands. As he got closer, I noticed that he was dark and bearded, and that he wore dark sunglasses. He was dressed modestly but neatly in black, from the old black top hat on his head to the sturdy black boots on his feet. Despite this, he walked straight into the sea without a moment's hesitation and approached me with the determination of a speeding bullet.”
“I can’t tell you the sense of monstrosity and miracle I had when he thus silently burst the barrier between land and water. It was as if he had walked straight off a cliff and still marched steadily in mid-air. It was as if a house had flown up into the sky or a man’s head had fallen off. He was only wetting his boots; but he seemed to be a demon disregarding a law of Nature. If he had hesitated an instant at the water’s edge it would have been nothing. As it was, he seemed to look so much at me alone as not to notice the ocean. Philip was some yards away with his back to me, bending over his net. The stranger came on till he stood within two yards of me, the water washing half-way up to his knees. Then he said, with a clearly modulated and rather mincing articulation: ‘Would it discommode you to contribute elsewhere a coin with a somewhat different superscription?’
“I can’t explain the feeling of awe and wonder I had when he quietly crossed the line between land and water. It was like he had walked right off a cliff and still kept moving in mid-air. It was as if a house had soared into the sky or a man’s head had just dropped off. He was only getting his boots wet; but he looked like a demon ignoring a rule of Nature. If he had hesitated even a moment at the water’s edge, it wouldn’t have meant anything. As it was, he seemed to focus solely on me, not noticing the ocean. Philip was a few yards away, with his back to me, bent over his net. The stranger approached until he was just two yards away, with the water splashing halfway up to his knees. Then he said, in a clearly precise and somewhat affected tone: ‘Would it inconvenience you to donate a coin with a different inscription elsewhere?’”
“With one exception there was nothing definably abnormal about him. His tinted glasses were not really opaque, but of a blue kind common enough, nor were the eyes behind them shifty, but regarded me steadily. His dark beard was not really long or wild—, but he looked rather hairy, because the beard began very high up in his face, just under the cheek-bones. His complexion was neither sallow nor livid, but on the contrary rather clear and youthful; yet this gave a pink-and-white wax look which somehow (I don’t know why) rather increased the horror. The only oddity one could fix was that his nose, which was otherwise of a good shape, was just slightly turned sideways at the tip; as if, when it was soft, it had been tapped on one side with a toy hammer. The thing was hardly a deformity; yet I cannot tell you what a living nightmare it was to me. As he stood there in the sunset-stained water he affected me as some hellish sea-monster just risen roaring out of a sea like blood. I don’t know why a touch on the nose should affect my imagination so much. I think it seemed as if he could move his nose like a finger. And as if he had just that moment moved it.
“With one exception, there was nothing obviously abnormal about him. His tinted glasses weren’t really opaque, just a common shade of blue, and the eyes behind them were steady, not shifty at all. His dark beard wasn’t particularly long or wild, but he appeared rather hairy because it started very high on his face, just below the cheekbones. His complexion wasn’t pale or unhealthy; on the contrary, it was relatively clear and youthful. Yet this gave him a pink-and-white waxy look that somehow (I don’t know why) added to the horror. The only oddity to note was that his nose, which was otherwise well-shaped, was slightly turned to the side at the tip, as if it had been tapped on one side with a toy hammer when it was still soft. It wasn’t exactly a deformity, yet I can’t explain what a living nightmare it was for me. As he stood there in the sunset-stained water, he reminded me of some hellish sea monster just risen, roaring out of a blood-colored sea. I don’t know why a slight touch on the nose would affect my imagination so much. It felt like he could move his nose like a finger. And as if he had just moved it at that moment.”
“‘Any little assistance,’ he continued with the same queer, priggish accent, ‘that may obviate the necessity of my communicating with the family.’
“‘Any small help,’ he continued with the same strange, fussy accent, ‘that might avoid the need for me to get in touch with the family.’
“Then it rushed over me that I was being blackmailed for the theft of the bronze piece; and all my merely superstitious fears and doubts were swallowed up in one overpowering, practical question. How could he have found out? I had stolen the thing suddenly and on impulse; I was certainly alone; for I always made sure of being unobserved when I slipped out to see Philip in this way. I had not, to all appearance, been followed in the street; and if I had, they could not ‘X-ray’ the coin in my closed hand. The man standing on the sand-hills could no more have seen what I gave Philip than shoot a fly in one eye, like the man in the fairy-tale.
“Then it hit me that I was being blackmailed for stealing the bronze piece; and all my silly superstitions and doubts were replaced by one overwhelming, practical question. How could he have found out? I had taken the thing suddenly and on a whim; I was definitely alone because I always made sure no one was watching when I went out to see Philip like this. I hadn’t, it seemed, been followed on the street; and even if I had been, they couldn’t ‘X-ray’ the coin in my closed hand. The man standing on the sand dunes couldn’t have seen what I gave Philip any more than he could shoot a fly in the eye, like the man in the fairy tale.”
“‘Philip,’ I cried helplessly, ‘ask this man what he wants.’
“‘Philip,’ I called out desperately, ‘ask this guy what he wants.’”
“When Philip lifted his head at last from mending his net he looked rather red, as if sulky or ashamed; but it may have been only the exertion of stooping and the red evening light; I may have only had another of the morbid fancies that seemed to be dancing about me. He merely said gruffly to the man: ‘You clear out of this.’ And, motioning me to follow, set off wading shoreward without paying further attention to him. He stepped on to a stone breakwater that ran out from among the roots of the sand-hills, and so struck homeward, perhaps thinking our incubus would find it less easy to walk on such rough stones, green and slippery with seaweed, than we, who were young and used to it. But my persecutor walked as daintily as he talked; and he still followed me, picking his way and picking his phrases. I heard his delicate, detestable voice appealing to me over my shoulder, until at last, when we had crested the sand-hills, Philip’s patience (which was by no means so conspicuous on most occasions) seemed to snap. He turned suddenly, saying, ‘Go back. I can’t talk to you now.’ And as the man hovered and opened his mouth, Philip struck him a buffet on it that sent him flying from the top of the tallest sand-hill to the bottom. I saw him crawling out below, covered with sand.
“When Philip finally lifted his head from fixing his net, he looked a bit flushed, almost like he was pouting or embarrassed; but it could have just been the effort of bending down and the reddish evening light. I might have just been having another one of those gloomy thoughts that seemed to swirl around me. He gruffly told the man, ‘Get out of here.’ Then, gesturing for me to follow, he started wading back to the shore without paying him any more attention. He stepped onto a rocky breakwater that jutted out among the roots of the sand dunes and headed home, maybe thinking our annoying follower would find it harder to walk on such rough stones, slick with seaweed, than we would, being young and used to it. But my stalker moved as delicately as he spoke; he continued to follow me, treading carefully and choosing his words. I could hear his annoying, affected voice calling to me from behind until finally, after we had climbed over the sand dunes, Philip’s patience— which usually wasn’t very noticeable— seemed to give out. He suddenly turned and said, ‘Go back. I can’t talk to you right now.’ And as the man hesitated and opened his mouth, Philip punched him hard, sending him tumbling from the top of the tallest sand dune to the bottom. I saw him crawling out below, covered in sand."
“This stroke comforted me somehow, though it might well increase my peril; but Philip showed none of his usual elation at his own prowess. Though as affectionate as ever, he still seemed cast down; and before I could ask him anything fully, he parted with me at his own gate, with two remarks that struck me as strange. He said that, all things considered, I ought to put the coin back in the Collection; but that he himself would keep it ‘for the present’. And then he added quite suddenly and irrelevantly: ‘You know Giles is back from Australia?’”
“This gesture eased my mind a bit, even though it might add to my danger; but Philip didn’t show his usual excitement about his own skills. He was as caring as always, yet he still seemed downcast; and before I could fully ask him anything, he said goodbye at his gate, leaving me with two comments that felt odd. He said that, after thinking it over, I should return the coin to the Collection, but that he would hold onto it ‘for now’. Then he suddenly and unexpectedly added: ‘You know Giles is back from Australia?’”
The door of the tavern opened and the gigantic shadow of the investigator Flambeau fell across the table. Father Brown presented him to the lady in his own slight, persuasive style of speech, mentioning his knowledge and sympathy in such cases; and almost without knowing, the girl was soon reiterating her story to two listeners. But Flambeau, as he bowed and sat down, handed the priest a small slip of paper. Brown accepted it with some surprise and read on it: “Cab to Wagga Wagga, 379, Mafeking Avenue, Putney.” The girl was going on with her story.
The door of the tavern swung open, and the enormous figure of Investigator Flambeau loomed over the table. Father Brown introduced him to the lady in his own gentle, persuasive way, mentioning his understanding and compassion in situations like this; and almost without realizing it, the girl soon found herself repeating her story to the two listeners. But as Flambeau bowed and took a seat, he handed the priest a small piece of paper. Brown accepted it, slightly surprised, and read: “Cab to Wagga Wagga, 379, Mafeking Avenue, Putney.” The girl continued with her story.
“I went up the steep street to my own house with my head in a whirl; it had not begun to clear when I came to the doorstep, on which I found a milk-can—and the man with the twisted nose. The milk-can told me the servants were all out; for, of course, Arthur, browsing about in his brown dressing-gown in a brown study, would not hear or answer a bell. Thus there was no one to help me in the house, except my brother, whose help must be my ruin. In desperation I thrust two shillings into the horrid thing’s hand, and told him to call again in a few days, when I had thought it out. He went off sulking, but more sheepishly than I had expected—perhaps he had been shaken by his fall—and I watched the star of sand splashed on his back receding down the road with a horrid vindictive pleasure. He turned a corner some six houses down.
I walked up the steep street to my house, my mind racing; it hadn't started to settle down by the time I reached the doorstep, where I found a milk can—and the guy with the twisted nose. The milk can indicated that the servants were all out; naturally, Arthur, wandering around in his brown robe lost in thought, wouldn't hear or respond to a bell. So there was no one to help me in the house, except my brother, whose assistance would surely lead to my downfall. In desperation, I shoved two shillings into the awful guy's hand and told him to come back in a few days once I had figured things out. He left sulking, but more sheepishly than I had anticipated—maybe he had been rattled by his fall—and I watched the sand star on his back disappear down the road with a terrible sense of satisfaction. He turned a corner about six houses down.
“Then I let myself in, made myself some tea, and tried to think it out. I sat at the drawing-room window looking on to the garden, which still glowed with the last full evening light. But I was too distracted and dreamy to look at the lawns and flower-pots and flower-beds with any concentration. So I took the shock the more sharply because I’d seen it so slowly.
“Then I let myself in, made some tea, and tried to figure things out. I sat at the living room window, looking out at the garden, which still glowed with the last bit of evening light. But I was too distracted and lost in thought to focus on the lawns, flower pots, and flower beds. So, the shock hit me harder because I had seen it all unfold so gradually.”
“The man or monster I’d sent away was standing quite still in the middle of the garden. Oh, we’ve all read a lot about pale-faced phantoms in the dark; but this was more dreadful than anything of that kind could ever be. Because, though he cast a long evening shadow, he still stood in warm sunlight. And because his face was not pale, but had that waxen bloom still upon it that belongs to a barber’s dummy. He stood quite still, with his face towards me; and I can’t tell you how horrid he looked among the tulips and all those tall, gaudy, almost hothouse-looking flowers. It looked as if we’d stuck up a waxwork instead of a statue in the centre of our garden.
The man or monster I had sent away was standing completely still in the middle of the garden. Oh, we’ve all heard plenty about pale-faced ghosts in the dark, but this was more terrifying than anything like that could ever be. Because even though he cast a long evening shadow, he still stood in warm sunlight. And his face wasn’t pale; it had that waxy sheen that you see on a barber’s mannequin. He stood there, facing me, and I can’t describe how creepy he looked among the tulips and those tall, bright, almost hothouse-looking flowers. It seemed like we had set up a wax figure instead of a statue in the center of our garden.
“Yet almost the instant he saw me move in the window he turned and ran out of the garden by the back gate, which stood open and by which he had undoubtedly entered. This renewed timidity on his part was so different from the impudence with which he had walked into the sea, that I felt vaguely comforted. I fancied, perhaps, that he feared confronting Arthur more than I knew. Anyhow, I settled down at last, and had a quiet dinner alone (for it was against the rules to disturb Arthur when he was rearranging the museum), and, my thoughts, a little released, fled to Philip and lost themselves, I suppose. Anyhow, I was looking blankly, but rather pleasantly than otherwise, at another window, uncurtained, but by this time black as a slate with the final night-fall. It seemed to me that something like a snail was on the outside of the window-pane. But when I stared harder, it was more like a man’s thumb pressed on the pane; it had that curled look that a thumb has. With my fear and courage re-awakened together, I rushed at the window and then recoiled with a strangled scream that any man but Arthur must have heard.
Yet almost as soon as he saw me move in the window, he turned and ran out of the garden through the back gate, which was open and through which he had definitely entered. This sudden fear from him was so different from the boldness with which he had walked into the sea that I felt somewhat reassured. I thought, perhaps, that he was more afraid of facing Arthur than I realized. Anyway, I finally settled down and had a quiet dinner alone (since it was against the rules to interrupt Arthur when he was rearranging the museum), and my thoughts, a little freed, drifted to Philip and got lost, I suppose. In any case, I was staring blankly, but rather pleasantly, at another window, uncurtained, but by this time as dark as slate due to the night falling. It seemed to me that something like a snail was on the outside of the windowpane. But when I looked closer, it was more like a man’s thumb pressed against the glass; it had that curled shape that a thumb has. With my fear and courage both coming back, I rushed at the window and then recoiled with a choked scream that anyone but Arthur would have heard.
“For it was not a thumb, any more than it was a snail. It was the tip of a crooked nose, crushed against the glass; it looked white with the pressure; and the staring face and eyes behind it were at first invisible and afterwards grey like a ghost. I slammed the shutters together somehow, rushed up to my room and locked myself in. But, even as I passed, I could swear I saw a second black window with something on it that was like a snail.
“For it wasn't a thumb, just like it wasn't a snail. It was the tip of a crooked nose, pressed against the glass; it looked white from the pressure, and the glaring face and eyes behind it were initially hidden and then appeared gray like a ghost. I somehow slammed the shutters shut, rushed to my room, and locked the door. But as I walked by, I could swear I saw a second black window with something on it that resembled a snail.”
“It might be best to go to Arthur after all. If the thing was crawling close all around the house like a cat, it might have purposes worse even than blackmail. My brother might cast me out and curse me for ever, but he was a gentleman, and would defend me on the spot. After ten minutes’ curious thinking, I went down, knocked on the door and then went in: to see the last and worst sight.
“It might be best to go to Arthur after all. If that thing was creeping all around the house like a cat, it could have intentions even worse than blackmail. My brother might throw me out and curse me forever, but he was a gentleman and would stand up for me right away. After ten minutes of thinking it over, I went downstairs, knocked on the door, and then walked in: to see the final and worst sight.
“My brother’s chair was empty, and he was obviously out. But the man with the crooked nose was sitting waiting for his return, with his hat still insolently on his head, and actually reading one of my brother’s books under my brother’s lamp. His face was composed and occupied, but his nose-tip still had the air of being the most mobile part of his face, as if it had just turned from left to right like an elephant’s proboscis. I had thought him poisonous enough while he was pursuing and watching me; but I think his unconsciousness of my presence was more frightful still.
“My brother’s chair was empty, and he was clearly out. But the man with the crooked nose was sitting there, waiting for him to come back, with his hat still arrogantly on his head, and he was actually reading one of my brother’s books under my brother’s lamp. His expression was calm and focused, but the tip of his nose still seemed to be the most animated part of his face, as if it had just moved from side to side like an elephant’s trunk. I had found him pretty unsettling while he was tracking and watching me; but his unawareness of my presence was even more terrifying.”
“I think I screamed loud and long; but that doesn’t matter. What I did next does matter: I gave him all the money I had, including a good deal in paper which, though it was mine, I dare say I had no right to touch. He went off at last, with hateful, tactful regrets all in long words; and I sat down, feeling ruined in every sense. And yet I was saved that very night by a pure accident. Arthur had gone off suddenly to London, as he so often did, for bargains; and returned, late but radiant, having nearly secured a treasure that was an added splendour even to the family Collection. He was so resplendent that I was almost emboldened to confess the abstraction of the lesser gem—, but he bore down all other topics with his over-powering projects. Because the bargain might still misfire any moment, he insisted on my packing at once and going up with him to lodgings he had already taken in Fulham, to be near the curio-shop in question. Thus in spite of myself, I fled from my foe almost in the dead of night—but from Philip also.... My brother was often at the South Kensington Museum, and, in order to make some sort of secondary life for myself, I paid for a few lessons at the Art Schools. I was coming back from them this evening, when I saw the abomination of desolation walking alive down the long straight street and the rest is as this gentleman has said.
“I think I screamed really loud for a long time; but that doesn't matter. What I did next does matter: I gave him all the money I had, including a good amount in cash that, although it was mine, I probably had no right to spend. He finally left, expressing his regrets in long-winded phrases, and I sat down, feeling completely destroyed in every way. Yet, I was unexpectedly saved that very night by a pure coincidence. Arthur had suddenly gone off to London, as he often did, for good deals; and returned, late but glowing, having nearly secured a treasure that would add even more brilliance to the family Collection. He was so dazzling that I almost felt brave enough to confess the theft of the lesser gem—but he quickly overshadowed all other topics with his overwhelming plans. Because the deal could fall through at any moment, he insisted I pack immediately and go with him to the place he had already booked in Fulham, to be close to the curio shop in question. So, despite myself, I fled from my enemy almost in the dead of night—but also from Philip.... My brother was often at the South Kensington Museum, and to create some sort of secondary life for myself, I paid for a few lessons at the Art Schools. I was coming back from them this evening when I saw that abomination walking down the long straight street, and the rest is as this gentleman has said.
“I’ve got only one thing to say. I don’t deserve to be helped; and I don’t question or complain of my punishment; it is just, it ought to have happened. But I still question, with bursting brains, how it can have happened. Am I punished by miracle? or how can anyone but Philip and myself know I gave him a tiny coin in the middle of the sea?”
“I have only one thing to say. I don’t deserve help; and I don’t question or complain about my punishment; it’s justified, it was bound to happen. But I still wonder, with my head spinning, how this could have occurred. Am I being punished by a miracle? Or how could anyone but Philip and I know that I gave him a small coin in the middle of the sea?”
“It is an extraordinary problem,” admitted Flambeau.
“It’s an incredible problem,” admitted Flambeau.
“Not so extraordinary as the answer,” remarked Father Brown rather gloomily. “Miss Carstairs, will you be at home if we call at your Fulham place in an hour and a half hence?”
“Not as surprising as the answer,” Father Brown said somewhat gloomily. “Miss Carstairs, will you be at home if we stop by your Fulham place in an hour and a half?”
The girl looked at him, and then rose and put her gloves on. “Yes,” she said, “I’ll be there”; and almost instantly left the place.
The girl looked at him, then stood up and put on her gloves. “Yes,” she said, “I’ll be there”; and almost immediately left the place.
That night the detective and the priest were still talking of the matter as they drew near the Fulham house, a tenement strangely mean even for a temporary residence of the Carstairs family.
That night, the detective and the priest were still discussing the situation as they approached the Fulham house, a surprisingly shabby place even for a short-term home of the Carstairs family.
“Of course the superficial, on reflection,” said Flambeau, “would think first of this Australian brother who’s been in trouble before, who’s come back so suddenly and who’s just the man to have shabby confederates. But I can’t see how he can come into the thing by any process of thought, unless...”
“Of course, the surface-level observer,” said Flambeau, “would first think of this Australian guy who's been in trouble before, who suddenly showed up again and is just the type to have shady accomplices. But I can't figure out how he fits into all of this, unless...”
“Well?” asked his companion patiently.
"Well?" asked his friend patiently.
Flambeau lowered his voice. “Unless the girl’s lover comes in, too, and he would be the blacker villain. The Australian chap did know that Hawker wanted the coin. But I can’t see how on earth he could know that Hawker had got it, unless Hawker signalled to him or his representative across the shore.”
Flambeau lowered his voice. “Unless the girl’s boyfriend comes in, too, and then he would be the worse villain. The Australian guy did know that Hawker wanted the coin. But I can’t figure out how he could possibly know that Hawker had it, unless Hawker signaled to him or someone representing him from the shore.”
“That is true,” assented the priest, with respect.
"That's true," agreed the priest, respectfully.
“Have you noted another thing?” went on Flambeau eagerly, “this Hawker hears his love insulted, but doesn’t strike till he’s got to the soft sand-hills, where he can be victor in a mere sham-fight. If he’d struck amid rocks and sea, he might have hurt his ally.”
“Have you noticed something else?” Flambeau continued eagerly, “this Hawker hears his love being insulted, but he only strikes when he’s at the soft sandhills, where he can win in a fake fight. If he had fought among the rocks and sea, he might have hurt his ally.”
“That is true again,” said Father Brown, nodding.
"That's true again," Father Brown said, nodding.
“And now, take it from the start. It lies between few people, but at least three. You want one person for suicide; two people for murder; but at least three people for blackmail”
“And now, start from the beginning. It involves a small number of people, but at least three are needed. You need one person for suicide; two people for murder; but at least three people for blackmail.”
“Why?” asked the priest softly.
“Why?” the priest asked softly.
“Well, obviously,” cried his friend, “there must be one to be exposed; one to threaten exposure; and one at least whom exposure would horrify.”
“Well, obviously,” shouted his friend, “there must be one person to expose; one to threaten exposure; and at least one person whom exposure would shock.”
After a long ruminant pause, the priest said: “You miss a logical step. Three persons are needed as ideas. Only two are needed as agents.”
After a long reflective pause, the priest said: “You’re missing a logical step. Three people are needed as concepts. Only two are needed as agents.”
“What can you mean?” asked the other.
“What do you mean?” asked the other.
“Why shouldn’t a blackmailer,” asked Brown, in a low voice, “threaten his victim with himself? Suppose a wife became a rigid teetotaller in order to frighten her husband into concealing his pub-frequenting, and then wrote him blackmailing letters in another hand, threatening to tell his wife! Why shouldn’t it work? Suppose a father forbade a son to gamble and then, following him in a good disguise, threatened the boy with his own sham paternal strictness! Suppose—but, here we are, my friend.”
“Why shouldn’t a blackmailer,” Brown asked quietly, “threaten his victim with himself? Imagine a wife who becomes a strict teetotaler to scare her husband into hiding his visits to the pub, and then writes him blackmail letters in a different handwriting, threatening to tell his wife! Why wouldn’t that work? What if a father forbid his son from gambling and then, following him in a good disguise, threatened the boy with his own fake strictness? Just think—here we are, my friend.”
“My God!” cried Flambeau; “you don’t mean—”
“My God!” shouted Flambeau; “you can’t be serious—”
An active figure ran down the steps of the house and showed under the golden lamplight the unmistakable head that resembled the Roman coin. “Miss Carstairs,” said Hawker without ceremony, “wouldn’t go in till you came.”
An energetic person rushed down the steps of the house and emerged under the warm lamplight, their unmistakable head resembling a Roman coin. “Miss Carstairs,” Hawker said bluntly, “wouldn’t go in until you arrived.”
“Well,” observed Brown confidently, “don’t you think it’s the best thing she can do to stop outside—with you to look after her? You see, I rather guess you have guessed it all yourself.”
“Well,” Brown said confidently, “don’t you think it’s the best thing she can do to stop outside—with you looking after her? You see, I think you’ve already figured it all out yourself.”
“Yes,” said the young man, in an undertone, “I guessed on the sands and now I know; that was why I let him fall soft.”
“Yes,” said the young man quietly, “I guessed on the sands and now I know; that’s why I let him fall gently.”
Taking a latchkey from the girl and the coin from Hawker, Flambeau let himself and his friend into the empty house and passed into the outer parlour. It was empty of all occupants but one. The man whom Father Brown had seen pass the tavern was standing against the wall as if at bay; unchanged, save that he had taken off his black coat and was wearing a brown dressing-gown.
Taking a latchkey from the girl and a coin from Hawker, Flambeau let himself and his friend into the empty house and walked into the outer parlor. It was empty of all occupants except for one. The man whom Father Brown had seen walk past the tavern was standing against the wall as if trapped; unchanged, except that he had taken off his black coat and was now wearing a brown dressing gown.
“We have come,” said Father Brown politely, “to give back this coin to its owner.” And he handed it to the man with the nose.
“We've come,” said Father Brown politely, “to return this coin to its owner.” And he handed it to the man with the nose.
Flambeau’s eyes rolled. “Is this man a coin-collector?” he asked.
Flambeau rolled his eyes. “Is this guy a coin collector?” he asked.
“This man is Mr Arthur Carstairs,” said the priest positively, “and he is a coin-collector of a somewhat singular kind.”
“This man is Mr. Arthur Carstairs,” the priest said confidently, “and he is a coin collector of a rather unique sort.”
The man changed colour so horribly that the crooked nose stood out on his face like a separate and comic thing. He spoke, nevertheless, with a sort of despairing dignity. “You shall see, then,” he said, “that I have not lost all the family qualities.” And he turned suddenly and strode into an inner room, slamming the door.
The man turned so pale that his crooked nose looked like a separate, funny feature on his face. However, he spoke with a kind of desperate dignity. “You’ll see, then,” he said, “that I haven’t lost all the family traits.” Then he abruptly turned and walked into a back room, slamming the door.
“Stop him!” shouted Father Brown, bounding and half falling over a chair; and, after a wrench or two, Flambeau had the door open. But it was too late. In dead silence Flambeau strode across and telephoned for doctor and police.
“Stop him!” yelled Father Brown, jumping and almost tripping over a chair; and, after a tug or two, Flambeau managed to open the door. But it was too late. In complete silence, Flambeau walked over and called for a doctor and the police.
An empty medicine bottle lay on the floor. Across the table the body of the man in the brown dressing-gown lay amid his burst and gaping brown-paper parcels; out of which poured and rolled, not Roman, but very modern English coins.
An empty medicine bottle was on the floor. On the other side of the table lay the body of the man in the brown dressing gown, surrounded by his torn and open brown paper parcels; from which spilled and rolled, not Roman, but very contemporary English coins.
The priest held up the bronze head of Caesar. “This,” he said, “was all that was left of the Carstairs Collection.”
The priest raised the bronze head of Caesar. “This,” he said, “was all that remained of the Carstairs Collection.”
After a silence he went on, with more than common gentleness: “It was a cruel will his wicked father made, and you see he did resent it a little. He hated the Roman money he had, and grew fonder of the real money denied him. He not only sold the Collection bit by bit, but sank bit by bit to the basest ways of making money—even to blackmailing his own family in a disguise. He blackmailed his brother from Australia for his little forgotten crime (that is why he took the cab to Wagga Wagga in Putney), he blackmailed his sister for the theft he alone could have noticed. And that, by the way, is why she had that supernatural guess when he was away on the sand-dunes. Mere figure and gait, however distant, are more likely to remind us of somebody than a well-made-up face quite close.”
After a pause, he continued with unusual kindness: “It was a cruel will that his wicked father wrote, and you can see he did resent it a bit. He hated the Roman money he had, and he became more attached to the real money that was denied him. He not only sold the Collection piece by piece, but also sank lower and lower into the most shameful ways of making money—even resorting to blackmailing his own family while in disguise. He blackmailed his brother from Australia for a minor crime that had been forgotten (that’s why he took the cab to Wagga Wagga in Putney), and he blackmailed his sister for a theft only he could have noticed. By the way, that’s why she had that eerie intuition when he was away on the sand dunes. Mere figure and gait, no matter how distant, are more likely to remind us of someone than a well-made-up face that’s right in front of us.”
There was another silence. “Well,” growled the detective, “and so this great numismatist and coin-collector was nothing but a vulgar miser.”
There was another silence. “Well,” the detective grumbled, “so this so-called expert in coins and collector was just a greedy miser.”
“Is there so great a difference?” asked Father Brown, in the same strange, indulgent tone. “What is there wrong about a miser that is not often as wrong about a collector? What is wrong, except... thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image; thou shalt not bow down to them nor serve them, for I...but we must go and see how the poor young people are getting on.”
“Is there really that much of a difference?” asked Father Brown, in the same odd, forgiving tone. “What’s wrong with a miser that isn’t also often wrong with a collector? What’s the problem, except... you shall not create any graven image; you shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I... but we should go check on how the poor young people are doing.”
“I think,” said Flambeau, “that in spite of everything, they are probably getting on very well.”
“I think,” said Flambeau, “that despite everything, they’re probably doing just fine.”
SEVEN — The Purple Wig
MR EDWARD NUTT, the industrious editor of the Daily Reformer, sat at his desk, opening letters and marking proofs to the merry tune of a typewriter, worked by a vigorous young lady.
MR EDWARD NUTT, the hardworking editor of the Daily Reformer, sat at his desk, opening letters and checking proofs to the cheerful sound of a typewriter, operated by an energetic young woman.
He was a stoutish, fair man, in his shirt-sleeves; his movements were resolute, his mouth firm and his tones final; but his round, rather babyish blue eyes had a bewildered and even wistful look that rather contradicted all this. Nor indeed was the expression altogether misleading. It might truly be said of him, as for many journalists in authority, that his most familiar emotion was one of continuous fear; fear of libel actions, fear of lost advertisements, fear of misprints, fear of the sack.
He was a stocky, fair man, in his shirt sleeves; his movements were confident, his mouth set, and his tone decisive; but his round, somewhat childlike blue eyes had a confused and even longing look that somewhat contradicted all this. In fact, the expression was not entirely misleading. It could be truly said of him, as for many authoritative journalists, that his most common emotion was one of constant fear; fear of lawsuits, fear of lost ads, fear of typos, fear of getting fired.
His life was a series of distracted compromises between the proprietor of the paper (and of him), who was a senile soap-boiler with three ineradicable mistakes in his mind, and the very able staff he had collected to run the paper; some of whom were brilliant and experienced men and (what was even worse) sincere enthusiasts for the political policy of the paper.
His life was a series of half-hearted compromises between the owner of the paper (and his employer), who was an old man stuck in outdated thinking, and the highly skilled team he had gathered to run the paper; some of whom were brilliant and experienced professionals and (even worse) genuinely passionate about the paper's political agenda.
A letter from one of these lay immediately before him, and rapid and resolute as he was, he seemed almost to hesitate before opening it. He took up a strip of proof instead, ran down it with a blue eye, and a blue pencil, altered the word “adultery” to the word “impropriety,” and the word “Jew” to the word “Alien,” rang a bell and sent it flying upstairs.
A letter from one of them was right in front of him, and as quick and determined as he was, he almost hesitated before opening it. Instead, he picked up a proof, scanned it with a keen blue eye and a blue pencil, changed the word "adultery" to "impropriety," and replaced "Jew" with "Alien," then rang a bell and sent it flying upstairs.
Then, with a more thoughtful eye, he ripped open the letter from his more distinguished contributor, which bore a postmark of Devonshire, and read as follows:
Then, with a more careful look, he tore open the letter from his more prestigious contributor, which had a postmark from Devonshire, and read as follows:
DEAR NUTT,—As I see you’re working Spooks and Dooks at the same time, what about an article on that rum business of the Eyres of Exmoor; or as the old women call it down here, the Devil’s Ear of Eyre? The head of the family, you know, is the Duke of Exmoor; he is one of the few really stiff old Tory aristocrats left, a sound old crusted tyrant it is quite in our line to make trouble about. And I think I’m on the track of a story that will make trouble.
DEAR NUTT,—I see you’re working on Spooks and Dooks at the same time. How about writing an article about that strange business involving the Eyres of Exmoor? Or as the locals call it, the Devil’s Ear of Eyre? The head of the family, as you know, is the Duke of Exmoor; he’s one of the few truly rigid old Tory aristocrats left, a solid, old-school tyrant that we can definitely stir up some trouble about. I think I might have found a story that will cause some issues.
Of course I don’t believe in the old legend about James I; and as for you, you don’t believe in anything, not even in journalism. The legend, you’ll probably remember, was about the blackest business in English history—the poisoning of Overbury by that witch’s cat Frances Howard, and the quite mysterious terror which forced the King to pardon the murderers. There was a lot of alleged witchcraft mixed up with it; and the story goes that a man-servant listening at the keyhole heard the truth in a talk between the King and Carr; and the bodily ear with which he heard grew large and monstrous as by magic, so awful was the secret. And though he had to be loaded with lands and gold and made an ancestor of dukes, the elf-shaped ear is still recurrent in the family. Well, you don’t believe in black magic; and if you did, you couldn’t use it for copy. If a miracle happened in your office, you’d have to hush it up, now so many bishops are agnostics. But that is not the point. The point is that there really is something queer about Exmoor and his family; something quite natural, I dare say, but quite abnormal. And the Ear is in it somehow, I fancy; either a symbol or a delusion or disease or something. Another tradition says that Cavaliers just after James I began to wear their hair long only to cover the ear of the first Lord Exmoor. This also is no doubt fanciful.
Of course I don’t believe in the old legend about James I; and as for you, you don’t believe in anything, not even in journalism. The legend, you probably remember, was about the darkest moment in English history—the poisoning of Overbury by that witch’s cat Frances Howard, and the mysterious fear that forced the King to pardon the murderers. There was a lot of alleged witchcraft involved; and the story goes that a servant listening at the keyhole overheard the truth in a conversation between the King and Carr; and the physical ear with which he listened grew large and monstrous as if by magic, so terrible was the secret. And even though he had to be loaded with lands and gold and made an ancestor of dukes, the elf-shaped ear still appears in the family. Well, you don’t believe in black magic; and if you did, you couldn’t use it for your writing. If a miracle happened in your office, you’d have to keep it quiet, now that so many bishops are agnostics. But that’s not the point. The point is that there really is something strange about Exmoor and his family; something quite natural, I suppose, but definitely abnormal. And the Ear is involved somehow, I think; either as a symbol or a delusion or some kind of disease. Another tradition says that Cavaliers started to wear their hair long just after James I to cover the ear of the first Lord Exmoor. This too is probably fanciful.
The reason I point it out to you is this: It seems to me that we make a mistake in attacking aristocracy entirely for its champagne and diamonds. Most men rather admire the nobs for having a good time, but I think we surrender too much when we admit that aristocracy has made even the aristocrats happy. I suggest a series of articles pointing out how dreary, how inhuman, how downright diabolist, is the very smell and atmosphere of some of these great houses. There are plenty of instances; but you couldn’t begin with a better one than the Ear of the Eyres. By the end of the week I think I can get you the truth about it.—Yours ever, FRANCIS FINN.
The reason I’m bringing this up is that I think we make a mistake by only criticizing aristocracy for its champagne and diamonds. A lot of people actually admire the wealthy for enjoying life, but I believe we give in too much when we acknowledge that aristocracy has made even the aristocrats happy. I propose a series of articles highlighting how dreary, inhumane, and downright sinister the very atmosphere of some of these grand houses can be. There are plenty of examples, but you couldn’t start with a better one than the Ear of the Eyres. By the end of the week, I think I can get you the real story about it.—Yours always, FRANCIS FINN.
Mr Nutt reflected a moment, staring at his left boot; then he called out in a strong, loud and entirely lifeless voice, in which every syllable sounded alike: “Miss Barlow, take down a letter to Mr Finn, please.”
Mr. Nutt paused for a moment, looking at his left boot; then he called out in a strong, loud, and completely flat voice, where every syllable sounded the same: “Miss Barlow, please take a letter to Mr. Finn.”
DEAR FINN,—I think it would do; copy should reach us second post Saturday.—Yours, E. NUTT.
DEAR FINN,—I think that would work; the copy should reach us by the second post on Saturday.—Yours, E. NUTT.
This elaborate epistle he articulated as if it were all one word; and Miss Barlow rattled it down as if it were all one word. Then he took up another strip of proof and a blue pencil, and altered the word “supernatural” to the word “marvellous”, and the expression “shoot down” to the expression “repress”.
This long letter he spoke as if it were one continuous word; and Miss Barlow wrote it down as if it were all one word. Then he picked up another proof sheet and a blue pencil, changing the word “supernatural” to “marvelous,” and the phrase “shoot down” to “repress.”
In such happy, healthful activities did Mr Nutt disport himself, until the ensuing Saturday found him at the same desk, dictating to the same typist, and using the same blue pencil on the first instalment of Mr Finn’s revelations. The opening was a sound piece of slashing invective about the evil secrets of princes, and despair in the high places of the earth. Though written violently, it was in excellent English; but the editor, as usual, had given to somebody else the task of breaking it up into sub-headings, which were of a spicier sort, as “Peeress and Poisons”, and “The Eerie Ear”, “The Eyres in their Eyrie”, and so on through a hundred happy changes. Then followed the legend of the Ear, amplified from Finn’s first letter, and then the substance of his later discoveries, as follows:
In these enjoyable and healthy activities, Mr. Nutt spent his time until the following Saturday found him at the same desk, dictating to the same typist and using the same blue pencil on the first installment of Mr. Finn's revelations. The opening was a sharp critique about the dark secrets of rulers and despair in the upper echelons of society. Though it was written passionately, it was in excellent English; however, the editor had, as usual, handed off the task of breaking it into sub-headings to someone else, which included more intriguing titles like “Peeress and Poisons,” “The Eerie Ear,” “The Eyres in their Eyrie,” and so on through a hundred clever variations. Then came the story of the Ear, expanded from Finn's first letter, followed by the details of his later findings, as follows:
I know it is the practice of journalists to put the end of the story at the beginning and call it a headline. I know that journalism largely consists in saying “Lord Jones Dead” to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive. Your present correspondent thinks that this, like many other journalistic customs, is bad journalism; and that the Daily Reformer has to set a better example in such things. He proposes to tell his story as it occurred, step by step. He will use the real names of the parties, who in most cases are ready to confirm his testimony. As for the headlines, the sensational proclamations—they will come at the end.
I know journalists often put the conclusion of a story at the start and call it a headline. I’m aware that journalism mainly involves announcing "Lord Jones is dead" to people who didn’t even know Lord Jones was alive. Your current writer believes that this, like many other journalistic habits, is poor journalism; and that the Daily Reformer needs to set a better standard in these matters. He intends to tell his story as it happened, step by step. He will use the real names of the people involved, most of whom are willing to back up his account. As for the headlines and the sensational claims—they will come at the end.
I was walking along a public path that threads through a private Devonshire orchard and seems to point towards Devonshire cider, when I came suddenly upon just such a place as the path suggested. It was a long, low inn, consisting really of a cottage and two barns; thatched all over with the thatch that looks like brown and grey hair grown before history. But outside the door was a sign which called it the Blue Dragon; and under the sign was one of those long rustic tables that used to stand outside most of the free English inns, before teetotallers and brewers between them destroyed freedom. And at this table sat three gentlemen, who might have lived a hundred years ago.
I was walking along a public path that winds through a private Devonshire orchard and seems to lead toward Devonshire cider when I suddenly came across just the kind of place the path hinted at. It was a long, low inn, really just a cottage and two barns, all thatched over with straw that resembled brown and grey hair grown before history. Outside the door was a sign that said the Blue Dragon; and beneath the sign was one of those long rustic tables that used to sit outside most of the free English inns before teetotalers and brewers ruined that freedom. At this table sat three gentlemen who looked like they could have lived a hundred years ago.
Now that I know them all better, there is no difficulty about disentangling the impressions; but just then they looked like three very solid ghosts. The dominant figure, both because he was bigger in all three dimensions, and because he sat centrally in the length of the table, facing me, was a tall, fat man dressed completely in black, with a rubicund, even apoplectic visage, but a rather bald and rather bothered brow. Looking at him again, more strictly, I could not exactly say what it was that gave me the sense of antiquity, except the antique cut of his white clerical necktie and the barred wrinkles across his brow.
Now that I know them all better, it’s easy to distinguish my impressions; back then, though, they seemed like three very solid ghosts. The most prominent figure—larger in every dimension and sitting at the center of the table facing me—was a tall, heavy man dressed entirely in black, with a ruddy, almost apoplectic face, but a rather bald and somewhat troubled forehead. Looking at him more closely, I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly conveyed a sense of age, except for the old-fashioned style of his white clerical necktie and the furrowed lines across his forehead.
It was even less easy to fix the impression in the case of the man at the right end of the table, who, to say truth, was as commonplace a person as could be seen anywhere, with a round, brown-haired head and a round snub nose, but also clad in clerical black, of a stricter cut. It was only when I saw his broad curved hat lying on the table beside him that I realized why I connected him with anything ancient. He was a Roman Catholic priest.
It was even harder to pin down the impression of the man at the right end of the table, who, to be honest, was as ordinary as anyone you could find, with a round brown-haired head and a round snub nose, but dressed in a more formal black clerical outfit. It was only when I saw his broad curved hat lying on the table next to him that I understood why he reminded me of something ancient. He was a Roman Catholic priest.
Perhaps the third man, at the other end of the table, had really more to do with it than the rest, though he was both slighter in physical presence and more inconsiderate in his dress. His lank limbs were clad, I might also say clutched, in very tight grey sleeves and pantaloons; he had a long, sallow, aquiline face which seemed somehow all the more saturnine because his lantern jaws were imprisoned in his collar and neck-cloth more in the style of the old stock; and his hair (which ought to have been dark brown) was of an odd dim, russet colour which, in conjunction with his yellow face, looked rather purple than red. The unobtrusive yet unusual colour was all the more notable because his hair was almost unnaturally healthy and curling, and he wore it full. But, after all analysis, I incline to think that what gave me my first old-fashioned impression was simply a set of tall, old-fashioned wine-glasses, one or two lemons and two churchwarden pipes. And also, perhaps, the old-world errand on which I had come.
Maybe the guy at the other end of the table had more to do with it than anyone else, even though he was thinner and dressed more casually. His long limbs were squeezed into very tight grey sleeves and pants; he had a long, pale, hawk-like face that seemed even gloomier because his bony jaw was trapped in a collar and necktie that felt outdated. His hair, which should have been dark brown, was a strange dull russet color that, with his yellowish face, appeared more purple than red. The subtle but unusual color stood out even more because his hair was almost unnaturally healthy and curly, and he wore it long. But, after thinking it over, I believe what initially struck me as old-fashioned was just a set of tall, vintage wine glasses, a couple of lemons, and two long pipes. And maybe, too, the old-fashioned reason I was there.
Being a hardened reporter, and it being apparently a public inn, I did not need to summon much of my impudence to sit down at the long table and order some cider. The big man in black seemed very learned, especially about local antiquities; the small man in black, though he talked much less, surprised me with a yet wider culture. So we got on very well together; but the third man, the old gentleman in the tight pantaloons, seemed rather distant and haughty, until I slid into the subject of the Duke of Exmoor and his ancestry.
Being an experienced reporter, and since it seemed to be a public inn, I didn’t need to muster much courage to sit down at the long table and order some cider. The large man in black seemed quite knowledgeable, especially about local history; the smaller man in black, although he spoke much less, impressed me with an even broader understanding. So we got along very well; but the third man, the old gentleman in snug pants, seemed rather aloof and arrogant until I brought up the topic of the Duke of Exmoor and his family background.
I thought the subject seemed to embarrass the other two a little; but it broke the spell of the third man’s silence most successfully. Speaking with restraint and with the accent of a highly educated gentleman, and puffing at intervals at his long churchwarden pipe, he proceeded to tell me some of the most horrible stories I have ever heard in my life: how one of the Eyres in the former ages had hanged his own father; and another had his wife scourged at the cart tail through the village; and another had set fire to a church full of children, and so on.
I noticed that the topic seemed to make the other two a bit uncomfortable; however, it successfully snapped the third guy out of his silence. Speaking calmly and with the tone of a highly educated gentleman, while occasionally puffing on his long churchwarden pipe, he started sharing some of the most disturbing stories I’ve ever heard: how one of the Eyres in the past had hanged his own father; another had his wife publicly whipped through the village; and yet another had set fire to a church full of children, and so on.
Some of the tales, indeed, are not fit for public print—, such as the story of the Scarlet Nuns, the abominable story of the Spotted Dog, or the thing that was done in the quarry. And all this red roll of impieties came from his thin, genteel lips rather primly than otherwise, as he sat sipping the wine out of his tall, thin glass.
Some of the stories, honestly, aren’t suitable for public consumption—like the tale of the Scarlet Nuns, the terrible story of the Spotted Dog, or the incident that happened in the quarry. And all this shocking collection of offenses came from his thin, refined lips more primly than anything else, as he sat sipping wine from his tall, slim glass.
I could see that the big man opposite me was trying, if anything, to stop him; but he evidently held the old gentleman in considerable respect, and could not venture to do so at all abruptly. And the little priest at the other end of the-table, though free from any such air of embarrassment, looked steadily at the table, and seemed to listen to the recital with great pain—as well as he might.
I could tell that the big guy across from me was trying to stop him; however, he clearly had a lot of respect for the old gentleman and couldn’t bring himself to do it too abruptly. Meanwhile, the little priest at the other end of the table, despite not appearing uncomfortable, was looking intently at the table and seemed to be listening to the story with a lot of pain—understandably so.
“You don’t seem,” I said to the narrator, “to be very fond of the Exmoor pedigree.”
“You don’t seem,” I said to the narrator, “to be very fond of the Exmoor pedigree.”
He looked at me a moment, his lips still prim, but whitening and tightening; then he deliberately broke his long pipe and glass on the table and stood up, the very picture of a perfect gentleman with the framing temper of a fiend.
He stared at me for a moment, his lips still pressed together but turning white and tightening; then he intentionally smashed his long pipe and glass on the table and got up, looking like the perfect gentleman but with the temper of a monster.
“These gentlemen,” he said, “will tell you whether I have cause to like it. The curse of the Eyres of old has lain heavy on this country, and many have suffered from it. They know there are none who have suffered from it as I have.” And with that he crushed a piece of the fallen glass under his heel, and strode away among the green twilight of the twinkling apple-trees.
“These gentlemen,” he said, “will tell you if I have a reason to like it. The curse of the Eyres of the past has weighed heavily on this country, and many have felt its impact. They know that no one has suffered from it as much as I have.” With that, he crushed a shard of glass under his heel and walked away through the green twilight of the shimmering apple trees.
“That is an extraordinary old gentleman,” I said to the other two; “do you happen to know what the Exmoor family has done to him? Who is he?”
“That’s an extraordinary old guy,” I said to the other two. “Do you guys know what the Exmoor family did to him? Who is he?”
The big man in black was staring at me with the wild air of a baffled bull; he did not at first seem to take it in. Then he said at last, “Don’t you know who he is?”
The big guy in black was staring at me with the crazy vibe of a confused bull; he didn’t seem to get it at first. Then he finally said, “Don’t you know who he is?”
I reaffirmed my ignorance, and there was another silence; then the little priest said, still looking at the table, “That is the Duke of Exmoor.”
I admitted my ignorance again, and there was another silence; then the little priest said, still staring at the table, “That is the Duke of Exmoor.”
Then, before I could collect my scattered senses, he added equally quietly, but with an air of regularizing things: “My friend here is Doctor Mull, the Duke’s librarian. My name is Brown.”
Then, before I could gather my thoughts, he said just as quietly, but with a tone that suggested he wanted to make things official: “This is my friend Doctor Mull, the Duke’s librarian. I’m Brown.”
“But,” I stammered, “if that is the Duke, why does he damn all the old dukes like that?”
“But,” I stammered, “if that’s the Duke, why does he curse all the old dukes like that?”
“He seems really to believe,” answered the priest called Brown, “that they have left a curse on him.” Then he added, with some irrelevance, “That’s why he wears a wig.”
“He seems to truly believe,” replied the priest named Brown, “that they’ve put a curse on him.” Then he added, somewhat off-topic, “That’s why he wears a wig.”
It was a few moments before his meaning dawned on me. “You don’t mean that fable about the fantastic ear?” I demanded. “I’ve heard of it, of course, but surely it must be a superstitious yarn spun out of something much simpler. I’ve sometimes thought it was a wild version of one of those mutilation stories. They used to crop criminals’ ears in the sixteenth century.”
It took me a moment to understand what he meant. “You can’t be talking about that story about the amazing ear, right?” I asked. “I’ve heard of it, but it has to be just a superstitious tale based on something more straightforward. I’ve sometimes thought it was a crazy version of those stories about mutilation. They used to cut off criminals’ ears in the sixteenth century.”
“I hardly think it was that,” answered the little man thoughtfully, “but it is not outside ordinary science or natural law for a family to have some deformity frequently reappearing—such as one ear bigger than the other.”
“I don’t really think that’s the case,” said the little man, thinking it over. “However, it’s not unusual in science or nature for a family to have some recurring deformity—like one ear being bigger than the other.”
The big librarian had buried his big bald brow in his big red hands, like a man trying to think out his duty. “No,” he groaned. “You do the man a wrong after all. Understand, I’ve no reason to defend him, or even keep faith with him. He has been a tyrant to me as to everybody else. Don’t fancy because you see him sitting here that he isn’t a great lord in the worst sense of the word. He would fetch a man a mile to ring a bell a yard off—if it would summon another man three miles to fetch a matchbox three yards off. He must have a footman to carry his walking-stick; a body servant to hold up his opera-glasses—”
The big librarian had buried his big bald head in his big red hands, like someone trying to figure out his responsibilities. “No,” he groaned. “You're wrong about the man after all. Understand, I have no reason to defend him or even stay loyal to him. He has been a tyrant to me just like to everyone else. Don’t think just because you see him sitting here that he isn't a powerful lord in the worst way possible. He would make someone walk a mile just to ring a bell a yard away—if it meant another person would have to walk three miles to get a matchbox three yards away. He needs a footman to carry his walking stick; a personal servant to hold his opera glasses—”
“But not a valet to brush his clothes,” cut in the priest, with a curious dryness, “for the valet would want to brush his wig, too.”
“But he doesn’t have a valet to brush his clothes,” interrupted the priest, with a strangely dry tone, “because the valet would want to brush his wig, as well.”
The librarian turned to him and seemed to forget my presence; he was strongly moved and, I think, a little heated with wine. “I don’t know how you know it, Father Brown,” he said, “but you are right. He lets the whole world do everything for him—except dress him. And that he insists on doing in a literal solitude like a desert. Anybody is kicked out of the house without a character who is so much as found near his dressing-room door.
The librarian turned to him and seemed to forget I was there; he was clearly affected and, I think, a bit tipsy. “I don’t know how you know it, Father Brown,” he said, “but you’re right. He lets everyone else do everything for him—except get dressed. And he insists on doing that in complete solitude, like in a desert. Anyone who is even found near his dressing room door gets thrown out of the house without a second thought.”
“He seems a pleasant old party,” I remarked.
“He seems like a nice old guy,” I said.
“No,” replied Dr Mull quite simply; “and yet that is just what I mean by saying you are unjust to him after all. Gentlemen, the Duke does really feel the bitterness about the curse that he uttered just now. He does, with sincere shame and terror, hide under that purple wig something he thinks it would blast the sons of man to see. I know it is so; and I know it is not a mere natural disfigurement, like a criminal mutilation, or a hereditary disproportion in the features. I know it is worse than that; because a man told me who was present at a scene that no man could invent, where a stronger man than any of us tried to defy the secret, and was scared away from it.”
“No,” Dr. Mull replied simply; “and yet that’s exactly what I mean when I say you're being unfair to him. Gentlemen, the Duke really does feel the bitterness about the curse he just spoke. He sincerely feels shame and terror, hiding beneath that purple wig something he believes would horrify everyone. I know it’s true; and I understand it’s not just a natural disfigurement, like a criminal’s injury or a hereditary flaw in the features. I know it’s worse than that; because a man who witnessed a situation that no one could fabricate told me about it, where a stronger man than any of us tried to confront the secret, and was scared off by it.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but Mull went on in oblivion of me, speaking out of the cavern of his hands. “I don’t mind telling you, Father, because it’s really more defending the poor Duke than giving him away. Didn’t you ever hear of the time when he very nearly lost all the estates?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but Mull kept going without noticing me, talking out of the hollow of his hands. “I don’t mind telling you, Father, because it’s really more about defending the poor Duke than throwing him under the bus. Didn’t you ever hear about the time when he almost lost all his estates?”
The priest shook his head; and the librarian proceeded to tell the tale as he had heard it from his predecessor in the same post, who had been his patron and instructor, and whom he seemed to trust implicitly. Up to a certain point it was a common enough tale of the decline of a great family’s fortunes—the tale of a family lawyer. His lawyer, however, had the sense to cheat honestly, if the expression explains itself. Instead of using funds he held in trust, he took advantage of the Duke’s carelessness to put the family in a financial hole, in which it might be necessary for the Duke to let him hold them in reality.
The priest shook his head, and the librarian began to tell the story as he had heard it from his predecessor in the same role, who had been his mentor and whom he appeared to trust completely. Up to a certain point, it was a common enough story about the decline of a great family’s fortunes—a story about a family lawyer. His lawyer, however, had the cleverness to cheat honestly, if that phrase makes sense. Instead of using the funds he was supposed to manage, he took advantage of the Duke’s negligence to put the family in a financial mess, making it possible for the Duke to end up needing to let him take control of their finances for real.
The lawyer’s name was Isaac Green, but the Duke always called him Elisha; presumably in reference to the fact that he was quite bald, though certainly not more than thirty. He had risen very rapidly, but from very dirty beginnings; being first a “nark” or informer, and then a money-lender: but as solicitor to the Eyres he had the sense, as I say, to keep technically straight until he was ready to deal the final blow. The blow fell at dinner; and the old librarian said he should never forget the very look of the lampshades and the decanters, as the little lawyer, with a steady smile, proposed to the great landlord that they should halve the estates between them. The sequel certainly could not be overlooked; for the Duke, in dead silence, smashed a decanter on the man’s bald head as suddenly as I had seen him smash the glass that day in the orchard. It left a red triangular scar on the scalp, and the lawyer’s eyes altered, but not his smile.
The lawyer's name was Isaac Green, but the Duke always called him Elisha; probably because he was quite bald, even though he was no older than thirty. He rose to success quickly, but from a rough background; starting off as a "nark" or informer, and then becoming a moneylender. However, as the solicitor for the Eyres, he was smart enough to stay technically clean until he was ready to make his final move. That move came during dinner; the old librarian said he would never forget the sight of the lampshades and decanters when the little lawyer, with a steady smile, suggested to the powerful landlord that they should split the estates between them. The outcome was definitely hard to ignore; the Duke, in complete silence, smashed a decanter over the man's bald head just as suddenly as I had seen him smash the glass that day in the orchard. It left a red triangular scar on his scalp, and while the lawyer's eyes changed, his smile remained.
He rose tottering to his feet, and struck back as such men do strike. “I am glad of that,” he said, “for now I can take the whole estate. The law will give it to me.”
He stood up unsteadily and fought back like those men do. “I’m glad to hear that,” he said, “because now I can take the entire estate. The law will hand it over to me.”
Exmoor, it seems, was white as ashes, but his eyes still blazed. “The law will give it you,” he said; “but you will not take it.... Why not? Why? because it would mean the crack of doom for me, and if you take it I shall take off my wig.... Why, you pitiful plucked fowl, anyone can see your bare head. But no man shall see mine and live.”
Exmoor looked as pale as ashes, but his eyes still burned brightly. “The law will hand it to you,” he said, “but you won’t take it... Why not? Why? Because it would mean the end for me, and if you take it, I’ll remove my wig... Look at you, you sad, stripped chicken, anyone can see your bare head. But no one will see mine and live.”
Well, you may say what you like and make it mean what you like. But Mull swears it is the solemn fact that the lawyer, after shaking his knotted fists in the air for an instant, simply ran from the room and never reappeared in the countryside; and since then Exmoor has been feared more for a warlock than even for a landlord and a magistrate.
Well, you can say whatever you want and interpret it however you want. But Mull insists it’s the absolute truth that the lawyer, after shaking his clenched fists in the air for a moment, just ran out of the room and never showed up again in the area; and since then, Exmoor has been feared more for a witch than even for a landlord or a magistrate.
Now Dr Mull told his story with rather wild theatrical gestures, and with a passion I think at least partisan. I was quite conscious of the possibility that the whole was the extravagance of an old braggart and gossip. But before I end this half of my discoveries, I think it due to Dr Mull to record that my two first inquiries have confirmed his story. I learned from an old apothecary in the village that there was a bald man in evening dress, giving the name of Green, who came to him one night to have a three-cornered cut on his forehead plastered. And I learnt from the legal records and old newspapers that there was a lawsuit threatened, and at least begun, by one Green against the Duke of Exmoor.
Now Dr. Mull told his story with dramatic gestures and a passion that seemed quite biased. I was aware that this could just be the exaggeration of an old show-off and gossip. But before I finish sharing my findings, I must mention that my first two inquiries have backed up his story. I learned from an old pharmacist in the village that a bald man in evening wear, going by the name of Green, came to him one night to get a three-cornered cut on his forehead bandaged. I also found in legal records and old newspapers that a lawsuit was threatened, and at least initiated, by someone named Green against the Duke of Exmoor.
Mr Nutt, of the Daily Reformer, wrote some highly incongruous words across the top of the copy, made some highly mysterious marks down the side of it, and called to Miss Barlow in the same loud, monotonous voice: “Take down a letter to Mr Finn.”
Mr. Nutt from the Daily Reformer scribbled some very odd words at the top of the page, made some strange marks along the side, and shouted to Miss Barlow in the same loud, monotonous tone: “Take a letter to Mr. Finn.”
DEAR FINN,—Your copy will do, but I have had to headline it a bit; and our public would never stand a Romanist priest in the story—you must keep your eye on the suburbs. I’ve altered him to Mr Brown, a Spiritualist.
DEAR FINN,—Your version works, but I had to tweak the headline a bit; and our audience wouldn’t accept a Roman priest in the story—you need to focus on the suburbs. I changed him to Mr. Brown, a Spiritualist.
Yours,
Best,
E. NUTT.
E. Nutt.
A day or two afterward found the active and judicious editor examining, with blue eyes that seemed to grow rounder and rounder, the second instalment of Mr Finn’s tale of mysteries in high life. It began with the words:
A day or two later, the busy and thoughtful editor was looking over, with blue eyes that appeared to get wider and wider, the second part of Mr. Finn's story of mysteries in high society. It started with the words:
I have made an astounding discovery. I freely confess it is quite different from anything I expected to discover, and will give a much more practical shock to the public. I venture to say, without any vanity, that the words I now write will be read all over Europe, and certainly all over America and the Colonies. And yet I heard all I have to tell before I left this same little wooden table in this same little wood of apple-trees.
I’ve made an amazing discovery. I admit it’s very different from what I thought I’d find, and it’s going to really surprise the public. I truly believe, without any pride, that what I’m writing now will be read across Europe, and definitely all over America and the Colonies. And yet, I heard everything I’m about to share right here at this same little wooden table in this same little apple orchard.
I owe it all to the small priest Brown; he is an extraordinary man. The big librarian had left the table, perhaps ashamed of his long tongue, perhaps anxious about the storm in which his mysterious master had vanished: anyway, he betook himself heavily in the Duke’s tracks through the trees. Father Brown had picked up one of the lemons and was eyeing it with an odd pleasure.
I owe everything to the little priest Brown; he’s an amazing guy. The big librarian had left the table, maybe embarrassed by his long-windedness, maybe worried about the storm that swallowed up his mysterious boss: either way, he trudged heavily in the Duke's footsteps through the trees. Father Brown had picked up a lemon and was looking at it with a strange delight.
“What a lovely colour a lemon is!” he said. “There’s one thing I don’t like about the Duke’s wig—the colour.”
“What a beautiful color a lemon is!” he said. “There’s one thing I don’t like about the Duke’s wig—the color.”
“I don’t think I understand,” I answered.
“I don’t think I get it,” I replied.
“I dare say he’s got good reason to cover his ears, like King Midas,” went on the priest, with a cheerful simplicity which somehow seemed rather flippant under the circumstances. “I can quite understand that it’s nicer to cover them with hair than with brass plates or leather flaps. But if he wants to use hair, why doesn’t he make it look like hair? There never was hair of that colour in this world. It looks more like a sunset-cloud coming through the wood. Why doesn’t he conceal the family curse better, if he’s really so ashamed of it? Shall I tell you? It’s because he isn’t ashamed of it. He’s proud of it”
“I'll bet he has a good reason to cover his ears, like King Midas,” the priest continued, with a cheerful simplicity that somehow felt a bit inappropriate given the situation. “I totally get that it's better to cover them with hair than with brass plates or leather flaps. But if he wants to use hair, why doesn’t he make it look like actual hair? There’s never been hair that color in this world. It looks more like a sunset cloud breaking through the trees. Why doesn’t he hide the family curse better if he’s really that ashamed of it? Want me to tell you why? It’s because he isn’t ashamed of it. He’s proud of it.”
“It’s an ugly wig to be proud of—and an ugly story,” I said.
“It’s an ugly wig to be proud of—and an ugly story,” I said.
“Consider,” replied this curious little man, “how you yourself really feel about such things. I don’t suggest you’re either more snobbish or more morbid than the rest of us: but don’t you feel in a vague way that a genuine old family curse is rather a fine thing to have? Would you be ashamed, wouldn’t you be a little proud, if the heir of the Glamis horror called you his friend? or if Byron’s family had confided, to you only, the evil adventures of their race? Don’t be too hard on the aristocrats themselves if their heads are as weak as ours would be, and they are snobs about their own sorrows.”
“Think about it,” replied this curious little man, “how do you really feel about all this? I’m not saying you’re any more snobbish or morbid than the rest of us, but don’t you get the sense that having a real old family curse is kind of impressive? Wouldn’t you feel a little proud if the heir of the Glamis horror considered you his friend? Or if Byron’s family shared their dark family stories with you alone? Don’t be too hard on aristocrats if their minds are as fragile as ours would be, and if they act like snobs about their own troubles.”
“By Jove!” I cried; “and that’s true enough. My own mother’s family had a banshee; and, now I come to think of it, it has comforted me in many a cold hour.”
"By Jove!" I exclaimed; "and that's definitely true. My own mother's side had a banshee, and now that I think about it, it has comforted me during many cold hours."
“And think,” he went on, “of that stream of blood and poison that spurted from his thin lips the instant you so much as mentioned his ancestors. Why should he show every stranger over such a Chamber of Horrors unless he is proud of it? He doesn’t conceal his wig, he doesn’t conceal his blood, he doesn’t conceal his family curse, he doesn’t conceal the family crimes—but—”
“And think,” he continued, “about that stream of blood and poison that gushed from his thin lips the moment you mentioned his ancestors. Why would he show every stranger around such a Chamber of Horrors unless he’s proud of it? He doesn’t hide his wig, he doesn’t hide his blood, he doesn’t hide his family curse, he doesn’t hide the family crimes—but—”
The little man’s voice changed so suddenly, he shut his hand so sharply, and his eyes so rapidly grew rounder and brighter like a waking owl’s, that it had all the abruptness of a small explosion on the table.
The little man’s voice changed so suddenly, he closed his hand so sharply, and his eyes quickly became rounder and brighter like an awakening owl’s, that it had all the suddenness of a small explosion on the table.
“But,” he ended, “he does really conceal his toilet.”
“But,” he concluded, “he really does hide his grooming routine.”
It somehow completed the thrill of my fanciful nerves that at that instant the Duke appeared again silently among the glimmering trees, with his soft foot and sunset-hued hair, coming round the corner of the house in company with his librarian. Before he came within earshot, Father Brown had added quite composedly, “Why does he really hide the secret of what he does with the purple wig? Because it isn’t the sort of secret we suppose.”
It somehow added to the excitement of my vivid imagination that just then the Duke appeared again silently among the shimmering trees, with his gentle footsteps and sunset-colored hair, rounding the corner of the house with his librarian. Before he got close enough to hear, Father Brown calmly remarked, “Why does he really keep the secret of what he does with the purple wig? Because it’s not the kind of secret we think it is.”
The Duke came round the corner and resumed his seat at the head of the table with all his native dignity. The embarrassment of the librarian left him hovering on his hind legs, like a huge bear. The Duke addressed the priest with great seriousness. “Father Brown,” he said, “Doctor Mull informs me that you have come here to make a request. I no longer profess an observance of the religion of my fathers; but for their sakes, and for the sake of the days when we met before, I am very willing to hear you. But I presume you would rather be heard in private.”
The Duke turned the corner and took his seat at the head of the table with all his natural dignity. The librarian's embarrassment left him standing awkwardly, like a giant bear. The Duke spoke to the priest with great seriousness. “Father Brown,” he said, “Doctor Mull tells me that you've come here to make a request. I no longer follow the religion of my family; however, for their sake and for the times we've met before, I'm more than willing to listen to you. But I assume you'd prefer to speak in private.”
Whatever I retain of the gentleman made me stand up. Whatever I have attained of the journalist made me stand still. Before this paralysis could pass, the priest had made a momentarily detaining motion. “If,” he said, “your Grace will permit me my real petition, or if I retain any right to advise you, I would urge that as many people as possible should be present. All over this country I have found hundreds, even of my own faith and flock, whose imaginations are poisoned by the spell which I implore you to break. I wish we could have all Devonshire here to see you do it.”
Whatever I kept of the gentleman made me stand up. Whatever I gained from being a journalist made me stand still. Before this paralysis could pass, the priest made a brief, stopping gesture. “If,” he said, “your Grace will allow me to make my true request, or if I still have any right to advise you, I would strongly suggest that as many people as possible should be present. Throughout this country, I have encountered hundreds, even from my own faith and community, whose imaginations are clouded by the influence that I urge you to dispel. I wish we could have all of Devonshire here to witness you do it.”
“To see me do what?” asked the Duke, arching his eyebrows.
“To see me do what?” asked the Duke, raising his eyebrows.
“To see you take off your wig,” said Father Brown.
“To see you take off your wig,” said Father Brown.
The Duke’s face did not move; but he looked at his petitioner with a glassy stare which was the most awful expression I have ever seen on a human face. I could see the librarian’s great legs wavering under him like the shadows of stems in a pool; and I could not banish from my own brain the fancy that the trees all around us were filling softly in the silence with devils instead of birds.
The Duke’s expression was completely still; however, he gazed at his visitor with a hollow stare that was the most terrifying look I’ve ever seen on anyone's face. I noticed the librarian’s long legs shaking beneath him like the shadows of stems in a pond; and I couldn’t shake the thought that the trees surrounding us were quietly transforming in the silence into devils instead of birds.
“I spare you,” said the Duke in a voice of inhuman pity. “I refuse. If I gave you the faintest hint of the load of horror I have to bear alone, you would lie shrieking at these feet of mine and begging to know no more. I will spare you the hint. You shall not spell the first letter of what is written on the altar of the Unknown God.”
“I spare you,” the Duke said in a tone of cold pity. “I refuse. If I gave you even the slightest hint of the burden of horror I carry alone, you would be screaming at my feet, begging to know no more. I won’t give you that hint. You shall not uncover the first letter of what is inscribed on the altar of the Unknown God.”
“I know the Unknown God,” said the little priest, with an unconscious grandeur of certitude that stood up like a granite tower. “I know his name; it is Satan. The true God was made flesh and dwelt among us. And I say to you, wherever you find men ruled merely by mystery, it is the mystery of iniquity. If the devil tells you something is too fearful to look at, look at it. If he says something is too terrible to hear, hear it. If you think some truth unbearable, bear it. I entreat your Grace to end this nightmare now and here at this table.”
“I know the Unknown God,” said the little priest, with an undeniable certainty that stood strong like a granite tower. “I know his name; it's Satan. The true God became human and lived among us. And I tell you, wherever you find people controlled only by mystery, it is the mystery of wrongdoing. If the devil tells you something is too scary to face, face it. If he says something is too awful to hear, hear it. If you believe some truth is too much to handle, handle it. I urge you, Your Grace, to end this nightmare now and here at this table.”
“If I did,” said the Duke in a low voice, “you and all you believe, and all by which alone you live, would be the first to shrivel and perish. You would have an instant to know the great Nothing before you died.”
“If I did,” said the Duke in a quiet voice, “you and everything you believe in, and everything that gives you life, would be the first to wither and die. You would get a moment to face the great Nothing before you passed away.”
“The Cross of Christ be between me and harm,” said Father Brown. “Take off your wig.”
“The Cross of Christ be between me and harm,” said Father Brown. “Take off your wig.”
I was leaning over the table in ungovernable excitement; in listening to this extraordinary duel half a thought had come into my head. “Your Grace,” I cried, “I call your bluff. Take off that wig or I will knock it off.”
I was leaning over the table with uncontrollable excitement; while listening to this incredible duel, a thought popped into my head. “Your Grace,” I shouted, “I call your bluff. Take off that wig or I’ll knock it off.”
I suppose I can be prosecuted for assault, but I am very glad I did it. When he said, in the same voice of stone, “I refuse,” I simply sprang on him. For three long instants he strained against me as if he had all hell to help him; but I forced his head until the hairy cap fell off it. I admit that, whilst wrestling, I shut my eyes as it fell.
I know I could get charged with assault, but I'm really glad I did it. When he said, in that cold, unyielding voice, "I refuse," I just jumped on him. For what felt like forever, he struggled against me as if he had the whole world behind him, but I pushed his head until his hairy cap came off. I’ll admit that I closed my eyes as it fell.
I was awakened by a cry from Mull, who was also by this time at the Duke’s side. His head and mine were both bending over the bald head of the wigless Duke. Then the silence was snapped by the librarian exclaiming: “What can it mean? Why, the man had nothing to hide. His ears are just like everybody else’s.”
I was jolted awake by a shout from Mull, who was also by this time at the Duke’s side. Our heads were both leaning over the bald head of the wigless Duke. Then the quiet was broken by the librarian saying, “What does this mean? I mean, the guy had nothing to hide. His ears look just like everyone else's.”
“Yes,” said Father Brown, “that is what he had to hide.”
“Yes,” Father Brown said, “that’s what he had to hide.”
The priest walked straight up to him, but strangely enough did not even glance at his ears. He stared with an almost comical seriousness at his bald forehead, and pointed to a three-cornered cicatrice, long healed, but still discernible. “Mr Green, I think.” he said politely, “and he did get the whole estate after all.”
The priest walked right up to him but, oddly enough, didn’t even look at his ears. He stared with an almost funny seriousness at his bald forehead and pointed to a three-cornered scar, long healed but still noticeable. “Mr. Green, I believe,” he said politely, “and he did end up with the entire estate after all.”
And now let me tell the readers of the Daily Reformer what I think the most remarkable thing in the whole affair. This transformation scene, which will seem to you as wild and purple as a Persian fairy-tale, has been (except for my technical assault) strictly legal and constitutional from its first beginnings. This man with the odd scar and the ordinary ears is not an impostor. Though (in one sense) he wears another man’s wig and claims another man’s ear, he has not stolen another man’s coronet. He really is the one and only Duke of Exmoor. What happened was this. The old Duke really had a slight malformation of the ear, which really was more or less hereditary. He really was morbid about it; and it is likely enough that he did invoke it as a kind of curse in the violent scene (which undoubtedly happened) in which he struck Green with the decanter. But the contest ended very differently. Green pressed his claim and got the estates; the dispossessed nobleman shot himself and died without issue. After a decent interval the beautiful English Government revived the “extinct” peerage of Exmoor, and bestowed it, as is usual, on the most important person, the person who had got the property.
And now let me share with the readers of the Daily Reformer what I think is the most surprising thing about the whole situation. This transformation scene, which may seem as wild and colorful as a Persian fairy tale, has been (aside from my technical issues) completely legal and constitutional from the very beginning. This man with the unusual scar and regular ears is not a fraud. Even though (in one sense) he wears another man’s wig and claims another man’s ear, he has not taken another man's title. He really is the one and only Duke of Exmoor. Here’s what happened. The old Duke actually had a slight ear deformity, which was somewhat hereditary. He was quite sensitive about it; and it’s likely that he viewed it as a curse during the heated scene (which definitely occurred) when he struck Green with the decanter. But the outcome was very different. Green pushed his claim and received the estates; the ousted nobleman shot himself and died without an heir. After a respectable amount of time, the wonderful English Government revived the “extinct” title of Exmoor and granted it, as is customary, to the most significant person—the one who inherited the property.
This man used the old feudal fables—properly, in his snobbish soul, really envied and admired them. So that thousands of poor English people trembled before a mysterious chieftain with an ancient destiny and a diadem of evil stars—when they are really trembling before a guttersnipe who was a pettifogger and a pawnbroker not twelve years ago. I think it very typical of the real case against our aristocracy as it is, and as it will be till God sends us braver men.
This man used the old feudal stories—deep down, in his snobby heart, he really envied and admired them. So, thousands of struggling English people feared a mysterious leader with an ancient purpose and a crown of dark influences—when they were actually cowering before a lowlife who was a shady lawyer and a pawnbroker just twelve years ago. I believe this is a perfect example of the real case against our aristocracy as it is, and as it will remain until God sends us bolder men.
Mr Nutt put down the manuscript and called out with unusual sharpness: “Miss Barlow, please take down a letter to Mr Finn.”
Mr. Nutt put down the manuscript and called out with surprising sharpness: “Miss Barlow, please write a letter to Mr. Finn.”
DEAR FINN,—You must be mad; we can’t touch this. I wanted vampires and the bad old days and aristocracy hand-in-hand with superstition. They like that but you must know the Exmoors would never forgive this. And what would our people say then, I should like to know! Why, Sir Simon is one of Exmoor’s greatest pals; and it would ruin that cousin of the Eyres that’s standing for us at Bradford. Besides, old Soap-Suds was sick enough at not getting his peerage last year; he’d sack me by wire if I lost him it with such lunacy as this. And what about Duffey? He’s doing us some rattling articles on “The Heel of the Norman.” And how can he write about Normans if the man’s only a solicitor? Do be reasonable.—Yours, E. NUTT.
DEAR FINN,—You must be crazy; we can’t go through with this. I wanted vampires and the bad old days, along with aristocracy and superstition. They’d love that, but you know the Exmoors would never forgive us. And what would our people think, I wonder! Sir Simon is one of Exmoor’s best friends; this would ruin that Eyres cousin who’s running for us at Bradford. Besides, old Soap-Suds was already upset about not getting his peerage last year; he’d fire me by message if I lost it for something as crazy as this. And what about Duffey? He’s giving us some excellent articles on “The Heel of the Norman.” How can he write about Normans if he’s just a solicitor? Please be reasonable.—Yours, E. NUTT.
As Miss Barlow rattled away cheerfully, he crumpled up the copy and tossed it into the waste-paper basket; but not before he had, automatically and by force of habit, altered the word “God” to the word “circumstances.”
As Miss Barlow chatted happily, he crumpled the paper and threw it into the trash can; but not before he automatically and habitually changed the word “God” to “circumstances.”
EIGHT — The Perishing of the Pendragons
FATHER BROWN was in no mood for adventures. He had lately fallen ill with over-work, and when he began to recover, his friend Flambeau had taken him on a cruise in a small yacht with Sir Cecil Fanshaw, a young Cornish squire and an enthusiast for Cornish coast scenery. But Brown was still rather weak; he was no very happy sailor; and though he was never of the sort that either grumbles or breaks down, his spirits did not rise above patience and civility. When the other two men praised the ragged violet sunset or the ragged volcanic crags, he agreed with them. When Flambeau pointed out a rock shaped like a dragon, he looked at it and thought it very like a dragon. When Fanshaw more excitedly indicated a rock that was like Merlin, he looked at it, and signified assent. When Flambeau asked whether this rocky gate of the twisted river was not the gate of Fairyland, he said “Yes.” He heard the most important things and the most trivial with the same tasteless absorption. He heard that the coast was death to all but careful seamen; he also heard that the ship’s cat was asleep. He heard that Fanshaw couldn’t find his cigar-holder anywhere; he also heard the pilot deliver the oracle “Both eyes bright, she’s all right; one eye winks, down she sinks.” He heard Flambeau say to Fanshaw that no doubt this meant the pilot must keep both eyes open and be spry. And he heard Fanshaw say to Flambeau that, oddly enough, it didn’t mean this: it meant that while they saw two of the coast lights, one near and the other distant, exactly side by side, they were in the right river-channel; but that if one light was hidden behind the other, they were going on the rocks. He heard Fanshaw add that his country was full of such quaint fables and idioms; it was the very home of romance; he even pitted this part of Cornwall against Devonshire, as a claimant to the laurels of Elizabethan seamanship. According to him there had been captains among these coves and islets compared with whom Drake was practically a landsman. He heard Flambeau laugh, and ask if, perhaps, the adventurous title of “Westward Ho!” only meant that all Devonshire men wished they were living in Cornwall. He heard Fanshaw say there was no need to be silly; that not only had Cornish captains been heroes, but that they were heroes still: that near that very spot there was an old admiral, now retired, who was scarred by thrilling voyages full of adventures; and who had in his youth found the last group of eight Pacific Islands that was added to the chart of the world. This Cecil Fanshaw was, in person, of the kind that commonly urges such crude but pleasing enthusiasms; a very young man, light-haired, high-coloured, with an eager profile; with a boyish bravado of spirits, but an almost girlish delicacy of tint and type. The big shoulders, black brows and black mousquetaire swagger of Flambeau were a great contrast.
FATHER BROWN was not in the mood for adventures. He had recently gotten sick from overworking, and when he started to feel better, his friend Flambeau took him on a small yacht cruise with Sir Cecil Fanshaw, a young squire from Cornwall who loved the coast’s scenery. But Brown was still pretty weak; he wasn’t exactly a happy sailor, and even though he wasn’t the type to complain or give up, his spirits were just above feeling patient and polite. When the other two men admired the jagged violet sunset or the rough volcanic cliffs, he agreed with them. When Flambeau pointed out a rock that looked like a dragon, he looked at it and thought it really did resemble a dragon. When Fanshaw excitedly pointed out a rock that looked like Merlin, he glanced at it and nodded in agreement. When Flambeau asked if that rocky entrance to the twisted river wasn’t the gate to Fairyland, he replied “Yes.” He absorbed both the most significant information and the most trivial details with the same lack of enthusiasm. He heard that the coast was dangerous for all but careful sailors; he also heard that the ship’s cat was sleeping. He heard Fanshaw couldn’t find his cigar holder anywhere; he also heard the pilot say, “Both eyes bright, she’s all right; one eye winks, down she sinks.” He heard Flambeau tell Fanshaw that this clearly meant the pilot needed to keep both eyes open and stay alert. And he heard Fanshaw explain to Flambeau that, strangely, it didn’t mean that: it meant if they saw two coast lights, one near and one far, perfectly aligned, they were in the right river channel, but if one light got blocked by the other, they were headed for trouble. He heard Fanshaw add that his country was full of such quirky stories and sayings; it was the essence of romance; he even compared this part of Cornwall to Devonshire for the title of the birthplace of Elizabethan seamanship. According to him, there had been captains from these coves and islets who made Drake look like a landlubber. He heard Flambeau laugh and suggest that perhaps the adventurous title of “Westward Ho!” simply meant that all Devonshire men wished they lived in Cornwall. He heard Fanshaw assert that there was no reason to be silly; that not only had Cornish captains been heroes, but they still were: that near that very spot was an old admiral, now retired, who bore scars from thrilling voyages full of adventures; and who, in his youth, had discovered the last group of eight Pacific Islands added to the world map. This Cecil Fanshaw was the kind of guy who typically pushed such crude yet appealing enthusiasms; he was very young, light-haired, flushed, with an eager profile; he had a boyish bravado but almost a girlish delicacy in appearance. The big shoulders, black brows, and black musketeer swagger of Flambeau were a stark contrast.
All these trivialities Brown heard and saw; but heard them as a tired man hears a tune in the railway wheels, or saw them as a sick man sees the pattern of his wall-paper. No one can calculate the turns of mood in convalescence: but Father Brown’s depression must have had a great deal to do with his mere unfamiliarity with the sea. For as the river mouth narrowed like the neck of a bottle, and the water grew calmer and the air warmer and more earthly, he seemed to wake up and take notice like a baby. They had reached that phase just after sunset when air and water both look bright, but earth and all its growing things look almost black by comparison. About this particular evening, however, there was something exceptional. It was one of those rare atmospheres in which a smoked-glass slide seems to have been slid away from between us and Nature; so that even dark colours on that day look more gorgeous than bright colours on cloudier days. The trampled earth of the river-banks and the peaty stain in the pools did not look drab but glowing umber, and the dark woods astir in the breeze did not look, as usual, dim blue with mere depth of distance, but more like wind-tumbled masses of some vivid violet blossom. This magic clearness and intensity in the colours was further forced on Brown’s slowly reviving senses by something romantic and even secret in the very form of the landscape.
All these little details Brown heard and saw; but he heard them like a tired man hears a tune in the clattering of train wheels, or saw them like a sick person sees the pattern of their wallpaper. You can’t really predict the mood swings that come with recovery, but Father Brown’s sadness was likely tied to his unfamiliarity with the sea. As the river mouth narrowed like a bottle’s neck, the water became calmer and the air felt warmer and more earthy; he seemed to wake up and notice things like a baby. They had reached that moment just after sunset when both air and water look bright, but everything on land appears almost black in comparison. However, that evening felt special. It was one of those rare times when it seemed like a smoky filter had been lifted away from our view of Nature; even dark colors appeared more stunning than bright colors on cloudier days. The trampled earth by the riverbanks and the peaty stains in the pools didn’t look dull but rather glowing umber, and the dark woods swaying in the breeze didn’t appear, as they usually did, as dim blue shadows of deep distance, but more like wind-tossed clumps of some vivid violet flowers. This magical clarity and intensity of color was further highlighted to Brown’s gradually awakening senses by something romantic and even secretive in the very shape of the landscape.
The river was still well wide and deep enough for a pleasure boat so small as theirs; but the curves of the country-side suggested that it was closing in on either hand; the woods seemed to be making broken and flying attempts at bridge-building—as if the boat were passing from the romance of a valley to the romance of a hollow and so to the supreme romance of a tunnel. Beyond this mere look of things there was little for Brown’s freshening fancy to feed on; he saw no human beings, except some gipsies trailing along the river bank, with faggots and osiers cut in the forest; and one sight no longer unconventional, but in such remote parts still uncommon: a dark-haired lady, bare-headed, and paddling her own canoe. If Father Brown ever attached any importance to either of these, he certainly forgot them at the next turn of the river which brought in sight a singular object.
The river was still wide and deep enough for a pleasure boat as small as theirs, but the bends in the countryside hinted that it was narrowing on both sides. The woods seemed to be making scattered and fleeting attempts at bridge-building—as if the boat were moving from the charm of a valley to the charm of a hollow and then to the ultimate charm of a tunnel. Beyond this surface view, there wasn't much to inspire Brown's lively imagination; he saw no people, except for some gypsies walking along the riverbank, carrying bundles of firewood and willow cut from the forest; and one sight that was no longer unusual but still rare in such remote areas: a dark-haired woman, bare-headed, paddling her own canoe. If Father Brown ever thought these things were important, he certainly forgot them at the next bend in the river, which revealed a strange sight.
The water seemed to widen and split, being cloven by the dark wedge of a fish-shaped and wooded islet. With the rate at which they went, the islet seemed to swim towards them like a ship; a ship with a very high prow—or, to speak more strictly, a very high funnel. For at the extreme point nearest them stood up an odd-looking building, unlike anything they could remember or connect with any purpose. It was not specially high, but it was too high for its breadth to be called anything but a tower. Yet it appeared to be built entirely of wood, and that in a most unequal and eccentric way. Some of the planks and beams were of good, seasoned oak; some of such wood cut raw and recent; some again of white pinewood, and a great deal more of the same sort of wood painted black with tar. These black beams were set crooked or crisscross at all kinds of angles, giving the whole a most patchy and puzzling appearance. There were one or two windows, which appeared to be coloured and leaded in an old-fashioned but more elaborate style. The travellers looked at it with that paradoxical feeling we have when something reminds us of something, and yet we are certain it is something very different.
The water seemed to widen and split, cleaved by the dark shape of a fish-like wooded island. At the speed they were moving, the island looked like it was gliding toward them like a ship; a ship with a very tall bow—or, to be more precise, a very tall funnel. At the nearest point stood a strange-looking building, unlike anything they could remember or relate to any specific purpose. It wasn't particularly tall, but it was high enough that its width made it more like a tower. Yet it appeared to be made entirely of wood, and that in a very uneven and quirky way. Some of the planks and beams were good, seasoned oak; some were freshly cut; and there were also pieces of white pine, along with a lot of black-painted wood, which was tarred. These black beams were arranged crookedly or crossed at all sorts of angles, giving the whole structure a very patchy and confusing look. There were one or two windows that looked like they were stained and leaded in an old-fashioned but more intricate style. The travelers looked at it with that confusing feeling we get when something reminds us of something, yet we know it's something entirely different.
Father Brown, even when he was mystified, was clever in analysing his own mystification. And he found himself reflecting that the oddity seemed to consist in a particular shape cut out in an incongruous material; as if one saw a top-hat made of tin, or a frock-coat cut out of tartan. He was sure he had seen timbers of different tints arranged like that somewhere, but never in such architectural proportions. The next moment a glimpse through the dark trees told him all he wanted to know and he laughed. Through a gap in the foliage there appeared for a moment one of those old wooden houses, faced with black beams, which are still to be found here and there in England, but which most of us see imitated in some show called “Old London” or “Shakespeare’s England’. It was in view only long enough for the priest to see that, however old-fashioned, it was a comfortable and well-kept country-house, with flower-beds in front of it. It had none of the piebald and crazy look of the tower that seemed made out of its refuse.
Father Brown, even when he was puzzled, was skilled at analyzing his own confusion. He found himself thinking that the oddity seemed to be a specific shape made from an unusual material; like seeing a top hat made of tin or a frock coat made of tartan. He was sure he had seen wooden beams of different colors arranged like that somewhere, but never in such architectural proportions. A moment later, a glimpse through the dark trees revealed everything he needed to know, and he laughed. Through a gap in the leaves, he caught sight of one of those old wooden houses with black beams, which can still be found here and there in England, though most of us see replicas in tourist attractions called “Old London” or “Shakespeare’s England.” It was visible just long enough for the priest to recognize that, though outdated, it was a comfortable and well-kept country house with flower beds in front of it. It lacked the patchy and chaotic appearance of the tower that seemed made from its scraps.
“What on earth’s this?” said Flambeau, who was still staring at the tower.
“What on earth is this?” said Flambeau, who was still staring at the tower.
Fanshaw’s eyes were shining, and he spoke triumphantly. “Aha! you’ve not seen a place quite like this before, I fancy; that’s why I’ve brought you here, my friend. Now you shall see whether I exaggerate about the mariners of Cornwall. This place belongs to Old Pendragon, whom we call the Admiral; though he retired before getting the rank. The spirit of Raleigh and Hawkins is a memory with the Devon folk; it’s a modern fact with the Pendragons. If Queen Elizabeth were to rise from the grave and come up this river in a gilded barge, she would be received by the Admiral in a house exactly such as she was accustomed to, in every corner and casement, in every panel on the wall or plate on the table. And she would find an English Captain still talking fiercely of fresh lands to be found in little ships, as much as if she had dined with Drake.”
Fanshaw's eyes were bright, and he spoke with excitement. “Aha! I bet you’ve never seen a place like this before; that’s why I brought you here, my friend. Now you can see for yourself whether I’m exaggerating about the sailors of Cornwall. This place belongs to Old Pendragon, whom we call the Admiral, even though he stepped back before achieving that title. The spirit of Raleigh and Hawkins is a distant memory for the Devon people; it’s a present reality for the Pendragons. If Queen Elizabeth were to rise from her grave and come up this river in a fancy boat, the Admiral would welcome her in a house just like the ones she was used to, in every nook and cranny, in every detail on the walls or dishes on the table. And she would find an English Captain still passionately discussing new lands waiting to be discovered in small ships, just as if she had just dined with Drake.”
“She’d find a rum sort of thing in the garden,” said Father Brown, “which would not please her Renaissance eye. That Elizabethan domestic architecture is charming in its way; but it’s against the very nature of it to break out into turrets.”
“She’d find something strange in the garden,” said Father Brown, “that wouldn’t appeal to her Renaissance sensibilities. That Elizabethan architecture is charming in its own way; but it goes against its very nature to have turrets sticking out.”
“And yet,” answered Fanshaw, “that’s the most romantic and Elizabethan part of the business. It was built by the Pendragons in the very days of the Spanish wars; and though it’s needed patching and even rebuilding for another reason, it’s always been rebuilt in the old way. The story goes that the lady of Sir Peter Pendragon built it in this place and to this height, because from the top you can just see the corner where vessels turn into the river mouth; and she wished to be the first to see her husband’s ship, as he sailed home from the Spanish Main.”
“And yet,” Fanshaw replied, “that’s the most romantic and old-fashioned part of the story. It was built by the Pendragons during the Spanish wars; and even though it needs some patching and even rebuilding for another reason, it’s always been restored in the traditional way. The tale goes that the lady of Sir Peter Pendragon chose this spot and built it to this height because from the top, you can just see the corner where ships enter the river mouth; and she wanted to be the first to see her husband’s ship as he returned home from the Spanish Main.”
“For what other reason,” asked Father Brown, “do you mean that it has been rebuilt?”
“For what other reason,” Father Brown asked, “do you think it has been rebuilt?”
“Oh, there’s a strange story about that, too,” said the young squire with relish. “You are really in a land of strange stories. King Arthur was here and Merlin and the fairies before him. The story goes that Sir Peter Pendragon, who (I fear) had some of the faults of the pirates as well as the virtues of the sailor, was bringing home three Spanish gentlemen in honourable captivity, intending to escort them to Elizabeth’s court. But he was a man of flaming and tigerish temper, and coming to high words with one of them, he caught him by the throat and flung him by accident or design, into the sea. A second Spaniard, who was the brother of the first, instantly drew his sword and flew at Pendragon, and after a short but furious combat in which both got three wounds in as many minutes, Pendragon drove his blade through the other’s body and the second Spaniard was accounted for. As it happened the ship had already turned into the river mouth and was close to comparatively shallow water. The third Spaniard sprang over the side of the ship, struck out for the shore, and was soon near enough to it to stand up to his waist in water. And turning again to face the ship, and holding up both arms to Heaven—like a prophet calling plagues upon a wicked city—he called out to Pendragon in a piercing and terrible voice, that he at least was yet living, that he would go on living, that he would live for ever; and that generation after generation the house of Pendragon should never see him or his, but should know by very certain signs that he and his vengeance were alive. With that he dived under the wave, and was either drowned or swam so long under water that no hair of his head was seen afterwards.”
“Oh, there’s a weird story about that, too,” said the young squire excitedly. “You’re really in a place full of strange tales. King Arthur was here, along with Merlin and the fairies before him. The story goes that Sir Peter Pendragon, who (I’m afraid) had some of the flaws of pirates as well as the virtues of a sailor, was bringing home three Spanish gentlemen in honorable captivity, planning to take them to Elizabeth’s court. But he had a fiery and fierce temper, and after getting into a heated argument with one of them, he grabbed him by the throat and flung him, whether on purpose or by accident, into the sea. The second Spaniard, who was the brother of the first, immediately drew his sword and attacked Pendragon. In a short but intense fight where both of them received three wounds in just a few minutes, Pendragon eventually stabbed the other guy, and that second Spaniard was dealt with. Coincidentally, the ship had already turned into the mouth of the river and was nearing shallower water. The third Spaniard jumped over the side of the ship, swam toward the shore, and soon reached a point where he could stand waist-deep in the water. Turning back to face the ship, and raising both arms to Heaven—like a prophet calling down curses on a sinful city—he shouted at Pendragon in a loud and terrifying voice that at least he was still alive, that he would continue to live, and that he would live forever; and that generation after generation, the house of Pendragon would never see him or his, but would know for sure by certain signs that he and his vengeance were out there. With that, he dove under the wave, and either drowned or swam so long underwater that no trace of him was seen afterwards.”
“There’s that girl in the canoe again,” said Flambeau irrelevantly, for good-looking young women would call him off any topic. “She seems bothered by the queer tower just as we were.”
“Look, there’s that girl in the canoe again,” Flambeau said, changing the subject because attractive young women easily distracted him. “She looks like she’s bothered by that strange tower, just like we were.”
Indeed, the black-haired young lady was letting her canoe float slowly and silently past the strange islet; and was looking intently up at the strange tower, with a strong glow of curiosity on her oval and olive face.
Indeed, the young woman with black hair was allowing her canoe to drift slowly and quietly past the strange island, and she was gazing intently at the unusual tower, her oval, olive-toned face showing a strong sense of curiosity.
“Never mind girls,” said Fanshaw impatiently, “there are plenty of them in the world, but not many things like the Pendragon Tower. As you may easily suppose, plenty of superstitions and scandals have followed in the track of the Spaniard’s curse; and no doubt, as you would put it, any accident happening to this Cornish family would be connected with it by rural credulity. But it is perfectly true that this tower has been burnt down two or three times; and the family can’t be called lucky, for more than two, I think, of the Admiral’s near kin have perished by shipwreck; and one at least, to my own knowledge, on practically the same spot where Sir Peter threw the Spaniard overboard.”
“Forget about the girls,” Fanshaw said impatiently, “there are plenty of them in the world, but not many things like the Pendragon Tower. As you can easily imagine, a lot of superstitions and scandals have followed the Spaniard’s curse; and, as you’d probably say, any misfortune that befalls this Cornish family would be linked to it by local belief. But it’s absolutely true that this tower has been burned down two or three times; and the family isn’t exactly lucky, since more than two of the Admiral’s close relatives have died in shipwrecks; and at least one, as far as I know, in almost the same spot where Sir Peter tossed the Spaniard overboard.”
“What a pity!” exclaimed Flambeau. “She’s going.”
“What a shame!” Flambeau exclaimed. “She’s leaving.”
“When did your friend the Admiral tell you this family history?” asked Father Brown, as the girl in the canoe paddled off, without showing the least intention of extending her interest from the tower to the yacht, which Fanshaw had already caused to lie alongside the island.
“When did your friend the Admiral tell you this family history?” Father Brown asked, as the girl in the canoe paddled away, showing no interest in anything beyond the tower, while Fanshaw had already brought the yacht alongside the island.
“Many years ago,” replied Fanshaw; “he hasn’t been to sea for some time now, though he is as keen on it as ever. I believe there’s a family compact or something. Well, here’s the landing stage; let’s come ashore and see the old boy.”
“Many years ago,” Fanshaw replied; “he hasn’t been out to sea for a while now, but he’s just as eager as ever. I think there’s some kind of family agreement or something. Well, here’s the dock; let’s come ashore and check on the old guy.”
They followed him on to the island, just under the tower, and Father Brown, whether from the mere touch of dry land, or the interest of something on the other bank of the river (which he stared at very hard for some seconds), seemed singularly improved in briskness. They entered a wooded avenue between two fences of thin greyish wood, such as often enclose parks or gardens, and over the top of which the dark trees tossed to and fro like black and purple plumes upon the hearse of a giant. The tower, as they left it behind, looked all the quainter, because such entrances are usually flanked by two towers; and this one looked lopsided. But for this, the avenue had the usual appearance of the entrance to a gentleman’s grounds; and, being so curved that the house was now out of sight, somehow looked a much larger park than any plantation on such an island could really be. Father Brown was, perhaps, a little fanciful in his fatigue, but he almost thought the whole place must be growing larger, as things do in a nightmare. Anyhow, a mystical monotony was the only character of their march, until Fanshaw suddenly stopped, and pointed to something sticking out through the grey fence—something that looked at first rather like the imprisoned horn of some beast. Closer observation showed that it was a slightly curved blade of metal that shone faintly in the fading light.
They followed him onto the island, just beneath the tower, and Father Brown, whether it was from finally being on solid ground or from noticing something on the other side of the river (which he stared at intently for a few seconds), seemed unusually more energized. They entered a wooded path between two fences made of thin, grayish wood, the type commonly found around parks or gardens, and above which the dark trees swayed like black and purple feathers on a giant's coffin. As they left the tower behind, it appeared even more eccentric, because these types of entrances are usually flanked by two towers, and this one looked crooked. Aside from that, the path had the typical look of a gentleman’s estate entrance; and since it curved so that the house was now out of sight, it somehow gave the impression of being a much larger park than any area on such an island could realistically be. Father Brown was maybe a little whimsical due to his weariness, but he almost felt like the whole place was expanding, similar to how things do in a nightmare. In any case, a mystical sameness was the only aspect of their journey until Fanshaw suddenly stopped and pointed at something that was sticking out through the gray fence—something that initially looked like the trapped horn of some beast. A closer look revealed it was a slightly curved metal blade that glimmered faintly in the dimming light.
Flambeau, who like all Frenchmen had been a soldier, bent over it and said in a startled voice: “Why, it’s a sabre! I believe I know the sort, heavy and curved, but shorter than the cavalry; they used to have them in artillery and the—”
Flambeau, who, like all Frenchmen, had been a soldier, leaned over it and said in a surprised voice, “Wow, it’s a sabre! I think I recognize this type, heavy and curved, but shorter than the cavalry ones; they used to have them in artillery and the—”
As he spoke the blade plucked itself out of the crack it had made and came down again with a more ponderous slash, splitting the fissiparous fence to the bottom with a rending noise. Then it was pulled out again, flashed above the fence some feet further along, and again split it halfway down with the first stroke; and after waggling a little to extricate itself (accompanied with curses in the darkness) split it down to the ground with a second. Then a kick of devilish energy sent the whole loosened square of thin wood flying into the pathway, and a great gap of dark coppice gaped in the paling.
As he spoke, the blade pulled itself out of the crack it had made and came down again with a heavier swing, splitting the fragile fence all the way to the bottom with a loud noise. Then it was lifted again, flashed above the fence a few feet farther along, and once more cut it halfway down with the first strike; and after wiggling a bit to free itself (accompanied by some curses in the darkness), it split it down to the ground with a second hit. Then a powerful kick sent the entire loosened section of thin wood flying into the pathway, leaving a large gap in the fence.
Fanshaw peered into the dark opening and uttered an exclamation of astonishment. “My dear Admiral!” he exclaimed, “do you—er—do you generally cut out a new front door whenever you want to go for a walk?”
Fanshaw looked into the dark opening and exclaimed in surprise, “My dear Admiral! Do you usually create a new front door every time you want to go for a walk?”
The voice in the gloom swore again, and then broke into a jolly laugh. “No,” it said; “I’ve really got to cut down this fence somehow; it’s spoiling all the plants, and no one else here can do it. But I’ll only carve another bit off the front door, and then come out and welcome you.”
The voice in the darkness swore again and then burst into a cheerful laugh. “No,” it said; “I really have to figure out how to take down this fence; it’s ruining all the plants, and no one else here can do it. But I’ll just carve a little more off the front door and then come out to greet you.”
And sure enough, he heaved up his weapon once more, and, hacking twice, brought down another and similar strip of fence, making the opening about fourteen feet wide in all. Then through this larger forest gateway he came out into the evening light, with a chip of grey wood sticking to his sword-blade.
And sure enough, he lifted his weapon again and, swinging twice, knocked down another section of fence, creating an opening about fourteen feet wide. Then, through this larger forest entrance, he emerged into the evening light, with a piece of gray wood stuck to his sword blade.
He momentarily fulfilled all Fanshaw’s fable of an old piratical Admiral; though the details seemed afterwards to decompose into accidents. For instance, he wore a broad-brimmed hat as protection against the sun; but the front flap of it was turned up straight to the sky, and the two corners pulled down lower than the ears, so that it stood across his forehead in a crescent like the old cocked hat worn by Nelson. He wore an ordinary dark-blue jacket, with nothing special about the buttons, but the combination of it with white linen trousers somehow had a sailorish look. He was tall and loose, and walked with a sort of swagger, which was not a sailor’s roll, and yet somehow suggested it; and he held in his hand a short sabre which was like a navy cutlass, but about twice as big. Under the bridge of the hat his eagle face looked eager, all the more because it was not only clean-shaven, but without eyebrows. It seemed almost as if all the hair had come off his face from his thrusting it through a throng of elements. His eyes were prominent and piercing. His colour was curiously attractive, while partly tropical; it reminded one vaguely of a blood-orange. That is, that while it was ruddy and sanguine, there was a yellow in it that was in no way sickly, but seemed rather to glow like gold apples of the Hesperides—Father Brown thought he had never seen a figure so expressive of all the romances about the countries of the Sun.
He briefly embodied all of Fanshaw’s story about an old pirate Admiral; although the details later seemed to unravel into random incidents. For example, he wore a wide-brimmed hat for sun protection, but the front was flipped up to the sky while the two corners hung down lower than his ears, creating a crescent shape across his forehead like the old cocked hat worn by Nelson. He had on a standard dark-blue jacket with nothing remarkable about the buttons, but paired with white linen trousers, it somehow looked nautical. He was tall and relaxed, walking with a kind of swagger that wasn't quite a sailor’s roll yet suggested one; he held a short sabre that resembled a navy cutlass but was about twice the size. Under the brim of the hat, his eagle-like face looked eager, especially since it was not only clean-shaven but also lacked eyebrows. It seemed almost as if all the hair had been wiped off his face from pushing through a crowd of elements. His eyes were prominent and piercing. His complexion was oddly appealing, partly tropical; it vaguely reminded one of a blood-orange. That is, while it was ruddy and vibrant, there was a yellow that wasn't sickly but instead seemed to glow like golden apples of the Hesperides—Father Brown thought he had never seen a figure so emblematic of all the tales about sun-kissed lands.
When Fanshaw had presented his two friends to their host he fell again into a tone of rallying the latter about his wreckage of the fence and his apparent rage of profanity. The Admiral pooh-poohed it at first as a piece of necessary but annoying garden work; but at length the ring of real energy came back into his laughter, and he cried with a mixture of impatience and good humour:
When Fanshaw introduced his two friends to their host, he again teased him about the messed-up fence and his obvious burst of anger. The Admiral initially dismissed it as just some annoying but necessary yard work; however, soon enough, real energy returned to his laughter, and he said, half in impatience and half in good humor:
“Well, perhaps I do go at it a bit rabidly, and feel a kind of pleasure in smashing anything. So would you if your only pleasure was in cruising about to find some new Cannibal Islands, and you had to stick on this muddy little rockery in a sort of rustic pond. When I remember how I’ve cut down a mile and a half of green poisonous jungle with an old cutlass half as sharp as this; and then remember I must stop here and chop this matchwood, because of some confounded old bargain scribbled in a family Bible, why, I—”
“Well, maybe I do go at it a bit aggressively, and I get a sort of thrill from smashing things. You would too if your only joy was exploring to find some new Cannibal Islands, and you had to stay stuck on this muddy little rock in a sort of rustic pond. When I think about how I’ve cut through a mile and a half of thick, poisonous jungle with an old machete that's half as sharp as this; and then I remember I have to stay here and chop this kindling, all because of some annoying old agreement written in a family Bible, well, I—”
He swung up the heavy steel again; and this time sundered the wall of wood from top to bottom at one stroke.
He raised the heavy steel again and this time split the wooden wall from top to bottom in one swing.
“I feel like that,” he said laughing, but furiously flinging the sword some yards down the path, “and now let’s go up to the house; you must have some dinner.”
“I feel like that,” he said, laughing, but angrily tossing the sword several yards down the path, “and now let’s head up to the house; you must be hungry for dinner.”
The semicircle of lawn in front of the house was varied by three circular garden beds, one of red tulips, a second of yellow tulips, and the third of some white, waxen-looking blossoms that the visitors did not know and presumed to be exotic. A heavy, hairy and rather sullen-looking gardener was hanging up a heavy coil of garden hose. The corners of the expiring sunset which seemed to cling about the corners of the house gave glimpses here and there of the colours of remoter flowerbeds; and in a treeless space on one side of the house opening upon the river stood a tall brass tripod on which was tilted a big brass telescope. Just outside the steps of the porch stood a little painted green garden table, as if someone had just had tea there. The entrance was flanked with two of those half-featured lumps of stone with holes for eyes that are said to be South Sea idols; and on the brown oak beam across the doorway were some confused carvings that looked almost as barbaric.
The semicircle of grass in front of the house was interrupted by three circular flower beds: one filled with red tulips, another with yellow tulips, and the third with some white, waxy-looking blooms that the visitors didn’t recognize and guessed must be exotic. A heavyset, hairy, and somewhat grumpy gardener was putting away a thick garden hose. The fading sunset, which seemed to cling to the edges of the house, revealed hints of colors from distant flowerbeds, and in a bare area on one side of the house that opened to the river stood a tall brass tripod with a large brass telescope perched on it. Just outside the porch steps was a small painted green garden table, as if someone had just finished tea there. The entrance was flanked by two of those half-shaped stone figures with holes for eyes that are said to be South Sea idols, and across the doorway, an intricate design on the brown oak beam looked almost as primitive.
As they passed indoors, the little cleric hopped suddenly on to the table, and standing on it peered unaffectedly through his spectacles at the mouldings in the oak. Admiral Pendragon looked very much astonished, though not particularly annoyed; while Fanshaw was so amused with what looked like a performing pigmy on his little stand, that he could not control his laughter. But Father Brown was not likely to notice either the laughter or the astonishment.
As they went inside, the little priest suddenly jumped onto the table and, standing on it, looked through his glasses at the designs in the oak. Admiral Pendragon appeared quite surprised, though not really angry; meanwhile, Fanshaw found it so funny, like watching a little performing pig on his tiny stage, that he couldn't hold back his laughter. But Father Brown was unlikely to notice either the laughter or the surprise.
He was gazing at three carved symbols, which, though very worn and obscure, seemed still to convey some sense to him. The first seemed to be the outline of some tower or other building, crowned with what looked like curly-pointed ribbons. The second was clearer: an old Elizabethan galley with decorative waves beneath it, but interrupted in the middle by a curious jagged rock, which was either a fault in the wood or some conventional representation of the water coming in. The third represented the upper half of a human figure, ending in an escalloped line like the waves; the face was rubbed and featureless, and both arms were held very stiffly up in the air.
He was staring at three carved symbols that, even though they were very worn and unclear, still seemed to have some meaning for him. The first looked like the shape of a tower or some other building, topped with what appeared to be curly, pointed ribbons. The second was clearer: an old Elizabethan galley with decorative waves underneath, but interrupted in the middle by a strange jagged rock, which could either have been a flaw in the wood or some typical representation of the water coming in. The third showed the upper half of a human figure, ending in a scalloped line like the waves; the face was worn smooth and featureless, and both arms were held very stiffly up in the air.
“Well,” muttered Father Brown, blinking, “here is the legend of the Spaniard plain enough. Here he is holding up his arms and cursing in the sea; and here are the two curses: the wrecked ship and the burning of Pendragon Tower.”
"Well," muttered Father Brown, blinking, "here's the legend of the Spaniard clear as day. Here he is, raising his arms and cursing in the sea; and here are the two curses: the wrecked ship and the burning of Pendragon Tower."
Pendragon shook his head with a kind of venerable amusement. “And how many other things might it not be?” he said. “Don’t you know that that sort of half-man, like a half-lion or half-stag, is quite common in heraldry? Might not that line through the ship be one of those parti-per-pale lines, indented, I think they call it? And though the third thing isn’t so very heraldic, it would be more heraldic to suppose it a tower crowned with laurel than with fire; and it looks just as like it.”
Pendragon shook his head with a kind of wise amusement. “And what else could it be?” he asked. “Don’t you know that kind of half-man, like a half-lion or half-stag, is pretty common in heraldry? Could that line through the ship be one of those parti-per-pale lines, indented, I believe they call it? And while the third thing isn’t exactly heraldic, it would be more heraldic to think of it as a tower topped with laurel rather than fire; and it looks just as much like that.”
“But it seems rather odd,” said Flambeau, “that it should exactly confirm the old legend.”
"But it seems kind of strange," said Flambeau, "that it should perfectly match the old legend."
“Ah,” replied the sceptical traveller, “but you don’t know how much of the old legend may have been made up from the old figures. Besides, it isn’t the only old legend. Fanshaw, here, who is fond of such things, will tell you there are other versions of the tale, and much more horrible ones. One story credits my unfortunate ancestor with having had the Spaniard cut in two; and that will fit the pretty picture also. Another obligingly credits our family with the possession of a tower full of snakes and explains those little, wriggly things in that way. And a third theory supposes the crooked line on the ship to be a conventionalized thunderbolt; but that alone, if seriously examined, would show what a very little way these unhappy coincidences really go.”
“Ah,” replied the skeptical traveler, “but you don’t know how much of the old legend might have been invented based on the old figures. Plus, it’s not the only old legend. Fanshaw, who loves this stuff, will tell you there are other versions of the story, and some are even more gruesome. One version claims my unfortunate ancestor had the Spaniard cut in half, which fits the pretty picture too. Another conveniently says our family owns a tower full of snakes, explaining those little wriggly things that way. And a third theory suggests the crooked line on the ship is a stylized thunderbolt; but even that, if seriously considered, would show how limited these unfortunate coincidences really are.”
“Why, how do you mean?” asked Fanshaw.
“Wait, what do you mean?” asked Fanshaw.
“It so happens,” replied his host coolly, “that there was no thunder and lightning at all in the two or three shipwrecks I know of in our family.”
“It just so happens,” replied his host calmly, “that there was no thunder or lightning at all in the two or three shipwrecks I know about in our family.”
“Oh!” said Father Brown, and jumped down from the little table.
“Oh!” said Father Brown, and jumped down from the small table.
There was another silence in which they heard the continuous murmur of the river; then Fanshaw said, in a doubtful and perhaps disappointed tone: “Then you don’t think there is anything in the tales of the tower in flames?”
There was another pause during which they heard the constant sound of the river; then Fanshaw said, in a hesitant and maybe letdown tone: “So, you don’t believe there’s any truth to the stories about the tower on fire?”
“There are the tales, of course,” said the Admiral, shrugging his shoulders; “and some of them, I don’t deny, on evidence as decent as one ever gets for such things. Someone saw a blaze hereabout, don’t you know, as he walked home through a wood; someone keeping sheep on the uplands inland thought he saw a flame hovering over Pendragon Tower. Well, a damp dab of mud like this confounded island seems the last place where one would think of fires.”
“There are the stories, of course,” said the Admiral, shrugging his shoulders; “and some of them, I won’t deny, are based on pretty solid evidence for these kinds of things. Someone saw a glow around here, you know, while walking home through the woods; someone who was watching sheep on the hills inland thought they saw a flame hovering over Pendragon Tower. Well, a wet patch of mud like this annoying island seems like the last place you'd expect fires.”
“What is that fire over there?” asked Father Brown with a gentle suddenness, pointing to the woods on the left river-bank. They were all thrown a little off their balance, and the more fanciful Fanshaw had even some difficulty in recovering his, as they saw a long, thin stream of blue smoke ascending silently into the end of the evening light.
“What’s that fire over there?” Father Brown asked suddenly, pointing to the woods on the left riverbank. They all felt a bit off balance, and the more imaginative Fanshaw even struggled to regain his composure as they observed a long, thin stream of blue smoke rising quietly into the evening light.
Then Pendragon broke into a scornful laugh again. “Gipsies!” he said; “they’ve been camping about here for about a week. Gentlemen, you want your dinner,” and he turned as if to enter the house.
Then Pendragon burst into another scornful laugh. “Gypsies!” he said; “they’ve been hanging around here for about a week. Gentlemen, you want your dinner,” and he turned as if to go into the house.
But the antiquarian superstition in Fanshaw was still quivering, and he said hastily: “But, Admiral, what’s that hissing noise quite near the island? It’s very like fire.”
But the old superstition in Fanshaw was still stirring, and he quickly said, “But, Admiral, what’s that hissing noise close to the island? It sounds a lot like fire.”
“It’s more like what it is,” said the Admiral, laughing as he led the way; “it’s only some canoe going by.”
“It’s more like what it is,” the Admiral said, laughing as he took the lead; “it’s just some canoe passing by.”
Almost as he spoke, the butler, a lean man in black, with very black hair and a very long, yellow face, appeared in the doorway and told him that dinner was served.
Almost as he spoke, the butler, a thin man in black, with very dark hair and a very long, yellow face, appeared in the doorway and informed him that dinner was ready.
The dining-room was as nautical as the cabin of a ship; but its note was rather that of the modern than the Elizabethan captain. There were, indeed, three antiquated cutlasses in a trophy over the fireplace, and one brown sixteenth-century map with Tritons and little ships dotted about a curly sea. But such things were less prominent on the white panelling than some cases of quaint-coloured South American birds, very scientifically stuffed, fantastic shells from the Pacific, and several instruments so rude and queer in shape that savages might have used them either to kill their enemies or to cook them. But the alien colour culminated in the fact that, besides the butler, the Admiral’s only servants were two negroes, somewhat quaintly clad in tight uniforms of yellow. The priest’s instinctive trick of analysing his own impressions told him that the colour and the little neat coat-tails of these bipeds had suggested the word “Canary,” and so by a mere pun connected them with southward travel. Towards the end of the dinner they took their yellow clothes and black faces out of the room, leaving only the black clothes and yellow face of the butler.
The dining room was as nautical as a ship's cabin, but it felt more modern than Elizabethan. There were three old cutlasses hanging as a trophy over the fireplace and a brown sixteenth-century map with Tritons and small ships scattered across a wavy sea. However, these items were less noticeable against the white paneling than the display cases filled with colorful South American birds, expertly stuffed, bizarre shells from the Pacific, and several oddly shaped tools that looked like they could've been used by savages to either kill their enemies or cook them. The striking detail was that, besides the butler, the Admiral’s only servants were two Black men dressed in tight yellow uniforms. The priest’s instinctive habit of analyzing his own thoughts made him realize that the color and neat coat tails of these men reminded him of the word “Canary,” linking them to travel to the south. Towards the end of dinner, they left the room, taking their yellow outfits and black faces with them, leaving only the butler in his black suit and yellow face.
“I’m rather sorry you take this so lightly,” said Fanshaw to the host; “for the truth is, I’ve brought these friends of mine with the idea of their helping you, as they know a good deal of these things. Don’t you really believe in the family story at all?”
“I’m really sorry you’re taking this so lightly,” Fanshaw said to the host; “the truth is, I’ve brought these friends of mine with the idea that they could help you, since they know a lot about this stuff. Don’t you really believe in the family story at all?”
“I don’t believe in anything,” answered Pendragon very briskly, with a bright eye cocked at a red tropical bird. “I’m a man of science.”
“I don’t believe in anything,” Pendragon replied sharply, his bright gaze fixed on a red tropical bird. “I’m a man of science.”
Rather to Flambeau’s surprise, his clerical friend, who seemed to have entirely woken up, took up the digression and talked natural history with his host with a flow of words and much unexpected information, until the dessert and decanters were set down and the last of the servants vanished. Then he said, without altering his tone.
To Flambeau’s surprise, his clerical friend, who seemed to be fully awake, picked up the tangent and chatted about natural history with his host, sharing a surprising amount of information until the dessert and decanters were placed on the table and the last of the servers disappeared. Then he said, still in the same tone.
“Please don’t think me impertinent, Admiral Pendragon. I don’t ask for curiosity, but really for my guidance and your convenience. Have I made a bad shot if I guess you don’t want these old things talked of before your butler?”
“Please don’t think I’m being rude, Admiral Pendragon. I’m not asking out of curiosity but rather for my guidance and to make things easier for you. Did I miss the mark if I assume you don’t want to discuss these old matters in front of your butler?”
The Admiral lifted the hairless arches over his eyes and exclaimed: “Well, I don’t know where you got it, but the truth is I can’t stand the fellow, though I’ve no excuse for discharging a family servant. Fanshaw, with his fairy tales, would say my blood moved against men with that black, Spanish-looking hair.”
The Admiral raised his eyebrows and said, “Honestly, I don’t know where you got it, but the truth is I can’t stand the guy, even though I have no reason to fire a family servant. Fanshaw, with his stories, would claim that I just can’t tolerate men with that dark, Spanish-looking hair.”
Flambeau struck the table with his heavy fist. “By Jove!” he cried; “and so had that girl!”
Flambeau slammed his fist on the table. “Wow!” he exclaimed; “and that girl did too!”
“I hope it’ll all end tonight,” continued the Admiral, “when my nephew comes back safe from his ship. You looked surprised. You won’t understand, I suppose, unless I tell you the story. You see, my father had two sons; I remained a bachelor, but my elder brother married, and had a son who became a sailor like all the rest of us, and will inherit the proper estate. Well, my father was a strange man; he somehow combined Fanshaw’s superstition with a good deal of my scepticism—they were always fighting in him; and after my first voyages, he developed a notion which he thought somehow would settle finally whether the curse was truth or trash. If all the Pendragons sailed about anyhow, he thought there would be too much chance of natural catastrophes to prove anything. But if we went to sea one at a time in strict order of succession to the property, he thought it might show whether any connected fate followed the family as a family. It was a silly notion, I think, and I quarrelled with my father pretty heartily; for I was an ambitious man and was left to the last, coming, by succession, after my own nephew.”
“I hope it all ends tonight,” the Admiral continued, “when my nephew comes back safe from his ship. You look surprised. You probably won’t understand unless I share the story. My father had two sons; I chose to remain single, but my older brother got married and had a son who became a sailor like the rest of us and will inherit the family estate. Well, my father was an odd man; he somehow mixed Fanshaw’s superstitions with a lot of my skepticism—they were always clashing inside him. After my first voyages, he came up with an idea he thought would finally determine whether the family curse was real or just nonsense. If all the Pendragons sailed randomly, he believed there would be too many chances for natural disasters to prove anything. But if we took to the sea one at a time, in strict order of succession to the property, he thought it might reveal whether any shared fate followed the family. I found it a silly idea, and I argued with my father quite a bit; I was an ambitious man and ended up being last in line, coming after my own nephew.”
“And your father and brother,” said the priest, very gently, “died at sea, I fear.”
“And your father and brother,” said the priest softly, “died at sea, I’m afraid.”
“Yes,” groaned the Admiral; “by one of those brutal accidents on which are built all the lying mythologies of mankind, they were both shipwrecked. My father, coming up this coast out of the Atlantic, was washed up on these Cornish rocks. My brother’s ship was sunk, no one knows where, on the voyage home from Tasmania. His body was never found. I tell you it was from perfectly natural mishap; lots of other people besides Pendragons were drowned; and both disasters are discussed in a normal way by navigators. But, of course, it set this forest of superstition on fire; and men saw the flaming tower everywhere. That’s why I say it will be all right when Walter returns. The girl he’s engaged to was coming today; but I was so afraid of some chance delay frightening her that I wired her not to come till she heard from me. But he’s practically sure to be here some time tonight, and then it’ll all end in smoke—tobacco smoke. We’ll crack that old lie when we crack a bottle of this wine.”
“Yeah,” groaned the Admiral; “thanks to one of those brutal accidents that are the foundation of all the deceitful myths of humanity, they both ended up shipwrecked. My father, sailing up this coast from the Atlantic, was washed up on these Cornish rocks. My brother’s ship sank, no one knows where, on the trip back from Tasmania. His body was never found. I’m telling you it was just a completely natural accident; plenty of other people besides the Pendragons drowned; and both tragedies are talked about normally by navigators. But, of course, it ignited this whole forest of superstition; and men saw the ominous signs everywhere. That’s why I say everything will be fine when Walter returns. The girl he’s engaged to was supposed to come today; but I was so worried about any delays spooking her that I told her not to come until she hears from me. But he’s almost certain to be here sometime tonight, and then it’ll all be over—just tobacco smoke. We’ll dispel that old myth when we pop open a bottle of this wine.”
“Very good wine,” said Father Brown, gravely lifting his glass, “but, as you see, a very bad wine-bibber. I most sincerely beg your pardon”: for he had spilt a small spot of wine on the table-cloth. He drank and put down the glass with a composed face; but his hand had started at the exact moment when he became conscious of a face looking in through the garden window just behind the Admiral—the face of a woman, swarthy, with southern hair and eyes, and young, but like a mask of tragedy.
“Really good wine,” said Father Brown, soberly raising his glass, “but, as you can see, I’m not much of a wine drinker. I truly apologize”: because he had spilled a small drop of wine on the tablecloth. He drank and set the glass down with a calm expression; but his hand had twitched at the exact moment he noticed a face peering in through the garden window just behind the Admiral—a woman’s face, dark-skinned, with southern hair and eyes, youthful, yet resembling a mask of tragedy.
After a pause the priest spoke again in his mild manner. “Admiral,” he said, “will you do me a favour? Let me, and my friends if they like, stop in that tower of yours just for tonight? Do you know that in my business you’re an exorcist almost before anything else?”
After a moment, the priest spoke again softly. “Admiral,” he said, “can you do me a favor? Let me and my friends, if they want, stay in that tower of yours just for tonight? Did you know that in my line of work, you’re pretty much an exorcist above all else?”
Pendragon sprang to his feet and paced swiftly to and fro across the window, from which the face had instantly vanished. “I tell you there is nothing in it,” he cried, with ringing violence. “There is one thing I know about this matter. You may call me an atheist. I am an atheist.” Here he swung round and fixed Father Brown with a face of frightful concentration. “This business is perfectly natural. There is no curse in it at all.”
Pendragon jumped up and quickly started pacing back and forth in front of the window, from which the face had suddenly disappeared. “I assure you there's nothing to it,” he shouted, filled with intense emotion. “There's one thing I know for sure. You can call me an atheist. I am an atheist.” He turned sharply and locked eyes with Father Brown, his expression intense and focused. “This whole situation is completely natural. There’s no curse involved at all.”
Father Brown smiled. “In that case,” he said, “there can’t be any objection to my sleeping in your delightful summer-house.”
Father Brown smiled. “In that case,” he said, “there shouldn’t be any problem with me sleeping in your lovely summer house.”
“The idea is utterly ridiculous,” replied the Admiral, beating a tattoo on the back of his chair.
“The idea is completely ridiculous,” replied the Admiral, drumming on the back of his chair.
“Please forgive me for everything,” said Brown in his most sympathetic tone, “including spilling the wine. But it seems to me you are not quite so easy about the flaming tower as you try to be.”
“Please forgive me for everything,” said Brown in his most sympathetic tone, “including spilling the wine. But it seems to me you’re not as calm about the flaming tower as you pretend to be.”
Admiral Pendragon sat down again as abruptly as he had risen; but he sat quite still, and when he spoke again it was in a lower voice. “You do it at your own peril,” he said; “but wouldn’t you be an atheist to keep sane in all this devilry?”
Admiral Pendragon sat down just as suddenly as he had gotten up; however, he remained completely still, and when he spoke again, his voice was much softer. “You do it at your own risk,” he said; “but wouldn’t you have to be an atheist to stay sane in all this madness?”
Some three hours afterwards Fanshaw, Flambeau and the priest were still dawdling about the garden in the dark; and it began to dawn on the other two that Father Brown had no intention of going to bed either in the tower or the house.
About three hours later, Fanshaw, Flambeau, and the priest were still lingering in the dark garden, and it started to become clear to the other two that Father Brown had no plans to go to bed, either in the tower or the house.
“I think the lawn wants weeding,” said he dreamily. “If I could find a spud or something I’d do it myself.”
“I think the lawn needs weeding,” he said thoughtfully. “If I could find a spade or something, I’d do it myself.”
They followed him, laughing and half remonstrating; but he replied with the utmost solemnity, explaining to them, in a maddening little sermon, that one can always find some small occupation that is helpful to others. He did not find a spud; but he found an old broom made of twigs, with which he began energetically to brush the fallen leaves off the grass.
They followed him, laughing and half complaining; but he replied with complete seriousness, giving them an annoying little sermon about how you can always find some small task that helps others. He didn’t find a potato, but he found an old broom made of twigs, which he started energetically using to sweep the fallen leaves off the grass.
“Always some little thing to be done,” he said with idiotic cheerfulness; “as George Herbert says: ‘Who sweeps an Admiral’s garden in Cornwall as for Thy laws makes that and the action fine.’ And now,” he added, suddenly slinging the broom away, “Let’s go and water the flowers.”
“There's always something small to take care of,” he said with ridiculous cheerfulness; “as George Herbert says: ‘Who sweeps an Admiral’s garden in Cornwall as for Thy laws makes that and the action fine.’ And now,” he added, suddenly tossing the broom aside, “Let’s go water the flowers.”
With the same mixed emotions they watched him uncoil some considerable lengths of the large garden hose, saying with an air of wistful discrimination: “The red tulips before the yellow, I think. Look a bit dry, don’t you think?”
With the same mixed feelings, they watched him unwind a good amount of the large garden hose, saying with a touch of nostalgia: “I think the red tulips should go before the yellow. They look a little dry, don’t you think?”
He turned the little tap on the instrument, and the water shot out straight and solid as a long rod of steel.
He turned the small faucet on the device, and the water shot out straight and solid like a long steel rod.
“Look out, Samson,” cried Flambeau; “why, you’ve cut off the tulip’s head.”
“Watch out, Samson,” yelled Flambeau; “you’ve just chopped off the tulip’s head.”
Father Brown stood ruefully contemplating the decapitated plant.
Father Brown stood sadly looking at the decapitated plant.
“Mine does seem to be a rather kill or cure sort of watering,” he admitted, scratching his head. “I suppose it’s a pity I didn’t find the spud. You should have seen me with the spud! Talking of tools, you’ve got that swordstick, Flambeau, you always carry? That’s right; and Sir Cecil could have that sword the Admiral threw away by the fence here. How grey everything looks!”
“Mine does seem to be a pretty hit or miss kind of watering,” he admitted, scratching his head. “I guess it’s a shame I didn’t find the spud. You should have seen me with the spud! Speaking of tools, you still have that swordstick you always carry, Flambeau? That’s right; and Sir Cecil could take that sword the Admiral tossed away by the fence here. Everything looks so grey!”
“The mist’s rising from the river,” said the staring Flambeau.
“The mist's rising from the river,” said Flambeau, staring.
Almost as he spoke the huge figure of the hairy gardener appeared on a higher ridge of the trenched and terraced lawn, hailing them with a brandished rake and a horribly bellowing voice. “Put down that hose,” he shouted; “put down that hose and go to your—”
Almost as he spoke, the large figure of the hairy gardener appeared on a higher part of the dug and leveled lawn, waving a rake and shouting in a loud, booming voice. “Put down that hose,” he yelled; “put down that hose and go to your—”
“I am fearfully clumsy,” replied the reverend gentleman weakly; “do you know, I upset some wine at dinner.” He made a wavering half-turn of apology towards the gardener, with the hose still spouting in his hand. The gardener caught the cold crash of the water full in his face like the crash of a cannon-ball; staggered, slipped and went sprawling with his boots in the air.
“I’m really clumsy,” replied the reverend gentleman weakly; “you won’t believe it, but I spilled some wine at dinner.” He awkwardly turned slightly to apologize to the gardener, who still had the hose spraying in his hand. The gardener got hit by the cold spray of water right in his face, like being hit by a cannonball; he staggered, slipped, and fell over with his boots in the air.
“How very dreadful!” said Father Brown, looking round in a sort of wonder. “Why, I’ve hit a man!”
“How terrible!” said Father Brown, looking around in a state of disbelief. “Wait, I’ve hit someone!”
He stood with his head forward for a moment as if looking or listening; and then set off at a trot towards the tower, still trailing the hose behind him. The tower was quite close, but its outline was curiously dim.
He stood with his head forward for a moment, as if he was looking or listening; and then he started trotting toward the tower, still dragging the hose behind him. The tower was fairly close, but its outline was oddly blurred.
“Your river mist,” he said, “has a rum smell.”
“Your river mist,” he said, “smells like rum.”
“By the Lord it has,” cried Fanshaw, who was very white. “But you can’t mean—”
“By the Lord it has,” shouted Fanshaw, who looked very pale. “But you can’t mean—”
“I mean,” said Father Brown, “that one of the Admiral’s scientific predictions is coming true tonight. This story is going to end in smoke.”
“I mean,” said Father Brown, “that one of the Admiral’s scientific predictions is coming true tonight. This story is going to end in smoke.”
As he spoke a most beautiful rose-red light seemed to burst into blossom like a gigantic rose; but accompanied with a crackling and rattling noise that was like the laughter of devils.
As he spoke, a stunning rose-red light seemed to bloom like a giant rose, but it was accompanied by a crackling and rattling noise that sounded like the laughter of devils.
“My God! what is this?” cried Sir Cecil Fanshaw.
"My God! What is this?" cried Sir Cecil Fanshaw.
“The sign of the flaming tower,” said Father Brown, and sent the driving water from his hose into the heart of the red patch.
“The sign of the flaming tower,” said Father Brown, and directed the water from his hose into the center of the red patch.
“Lucky we hadn’t gone to bed!” ejaculated Fanshaw. “I suppose it can’t spread to the house.”
“Good thing we hadn’t gone to bed!” exclaimed Fanshaw. “I guess it can’t spread to the house.”
“You may remember,” said the priest quietly, “that the wooden fence that might have carried it was cut away.”
“You might remember,” the priest said softly, “that the wooden fence that could have held it was taken down.”
Flambeau turned electrified eyes upon his friend, but Fanshaw only said rather absently: “Well, nobody can be killed, anyhow.”
Flambeau looked at his friend with wide, shocked eyes, but Fanshaw only replied somewhat distractedly, “Well, no one can be killed, after all.”
“This is rather a curious kind of tower,” observed Father Brown, “when it takes to killing people, it always kills people who are somewhere else.”
“This is a pretty strange kind of tower,” Father Brown noted, “when it comes to killing people, it always targets those who are somewhere else.”
At the same instant the monstrous figure of the gardener with the streaming beard stood again on the green ridge against the sky, waving others to come on; but now waving not a rake but a cutlass. Behind him came the two negroes, also with the old crooked cutlasses out of the trophy. But in the blood-red glare, with their black faces and yellow figures, they looked like devils carrying instruments of torture. In the dim garden behind them a distant voice was heard calling out brief directions. When the priest heard the voice, a terrible change came over his countenance.
At the same moment, the monstrous figure of the gardener with the flowing beard appeared again on the green ridge against the sky, signaling others to come forward; but now he was waving not a rake but a cutlass. Behind him were two Black men, also wielding the old, crooked cutlasses from the trophy. In the blood-red light, with their dark faces and yellow uniforms, they looked like demons carrying instruments of torture. In the dim garden behind them, a distant voice shouted brief instructions. When the priest heard the voice, a horrifying change came over his face.
But he remained composed; and never took his eye off the patch of flame which had begun by spreading, but now seemed to shrink a little as it hissed under the torch of the long silver spear of water. He kept his finger along the nozzle of the pipe to ensure the aim, and attended to no other business, knowing only by the noise and that semi-conscious corner of the eye, the exciting incidents that began to tumble themselves about the island garden. He gave two brief directions to his friends. One was: “Knock these fellows down somehow and tie them up, whoever they are; there’s rope down by those faggots. They want to take away my nice hose.” The other was: “As soon as you get a chance, call out to that canoeing girl; she’s over on the bank with the gipsies. Ask her if they could get some buckets across and fill them from the river.” Then he closed his mouth and continued to water the new red flower as ruthlessly as he had watered the red tulip.
But he stayed calm and never took his eyes off the patch of flames that had started spreading but now seemed to shrink a bit as it hissed under the long silver stream of water from the spear. He kept his finger on the nozzle of the hose to aim it properly and focused on nothing else, only aware of the noise and the semi-conscious corner of his eye catching the chaotic events happening around the island garden. He gave his friends two quick instructions. One was: “Take those guys down somehow and tie them up, whoever they are; there’s rope by those bundles. They’re trying to steal my nice hose.” The other was: “As soon as you can, call out to that girl in the canoe; she’s over by the bank with the gypsies. Ask her if they can get some buckets across and fill them from the river.” Then he closed his mouth and kept watering the new red flower as ruthlessly as he had watered the red tulip.
He never turned his head to look at the strange fight that followed between the foes and friends of the mysterious fire. He almost felt the island shake when Flambeau collided with the huge gardener; he merely imagined how it would whirl round them as they wrestled. He heard the crashing fall; and his friend’s gasp of triumph as he dashed on to the first negro; and the cries of both the blacks as Flambeau and Fanshaw bound them. Flambeau’s enormous strength more than redressed the odds in the fight, especially as the fourth man still hovered near the house, only a shadow and a voice. He heard also the water broken by the paddles of a canoe; the girl’s voice giving orders, the voices of gipsies answering and coming nearer, the plumping and sucking noise of empty buckets plunged into a full stream; and finally the sound of many feet around the fire. But all this was less to him than the fact that the red rent, which had lately once more increased, had once more slightly diminished.
He never turned his head to look at the strange fight that followed between the enemies and allies of the mysterious fire. He could almost feel the island shake when Flambeau collided with the huge gardener; he just imagined how it would swirl around them as they wrestled. He heard the loud crash as someone fell; and his friend’s gasp of triumph as he charged at the first guy; and the cries of both men as Flambeau and Fanshaw tied them up. Flambeau’s incredible strength more than balanced the odds in the fight, especially since the fourth guy still hovered near the house, just a shadow and a voice. He also heard the water splashing from the paddles of a canoe; the girl’s voice giving orders, the voices of gypsies responding and getting closer, the sound of empty buckets being plunged into a full stream; and finally the sound of many feet around the fire. But all of this mattered less to him than the fact that the red stain, which had recently increased again, had slightly lessened once more.
Then came a cry that very nearly made him turn his head. Flambeau and Fanshaw, now reinforced by some of the gipsies, had rushed after the mysterious man by the house; and he heard from the other end of the garden the Frenchman’s cry of horror and astonishment. It was echoed by a howl not to be called human, as the being broke from their hold and ran along the garden. Three times at least it raced round the whole island, in a way that was as horrible as the chase of a lunatic, both in the cries of the pursued and the ropes carried by the pursuers; but was more horrible still, because it somehow suggested one of the chasing games of children in a garden. Then, finding them closing in on every side, the figure sprang upon one of the higher river banks and disappeared with a splash into the dark and driving river.
Then a scream echoed that almost made him turn his head. Flambeau and Fanshaw, now joined by some of the gypsies, had chased after the mysterious man by the house; and he heard from the other end of the garden the Frenchman’s shout of horror and shock. It was answered by a howl that couldn't be called human as the being broke free from their grasp and dashed through the garden. It circled the entire island at least three times, in a way that was as terrifying as the pursuit of a madman, both in the cries of the one being chased and the ropes held by the chasers; but it was even more horrifying because it somehow reminded him of children playing chase in a garden. Then, realizing they were closing in from all sides, the figure leaped onto one of the higher riverbanks and vanished with a splash into the dark, rushing river.
“You can do no more, I fear,” said Brown in a voice cold with pain. “He has been washed down to the rocks by now, where he has sent so many others. He knew the use of a family legend.”
“You can't do anything more, I'm afraid,” said Brown in a voice filled with pain. “He’s probably been swept down to the rocks by now, where he’s sent so many others. He understood the power of a family legend.”
“Oh, don’t talk in these parables,” cried Flambeau impatiently. “Can’t you put it simply in words of one syllable?”
“Oh, don’t use these riddles,” Flambeau said impatiently. “Can’t you just say it plainly in simple words?”
“Yes,” answered Brown, with his eye on the hose. “‘Both eyes bright, she’s all right; one eye blinks, down she sinks.’”
“Yes,” replied Brown, watching the hose. “‘Both eyes bright, she’s all good; one eye blinks, down she goes.’”
The fire hissed and shrieked more and more, like a strangled thing, as it grew narrower and narrower under the flood from the pipe and buckets, but Father Brown still kept his eye on it as he went on speaking:
The fire hissed and screamed louder, like something being choked, as it shrank down further and further under the torrent from the pipe and buckets, but Father Brown still watched it closely as he continued speaking:
“I thought of asking this young lady, if it were morning yet, to look through that telescope at the river mouth and the river. She might have seen something to interest her: the sign of the ship, or Mr Walter Pendragon coming home, and perhaps even the sign of the half-man, for though he is certainly safe by now, he may very well have waded ashore. He has been within a shave of another shipwreck; and would never have escaped it, if the lady hadn’t had the sense to suspect the old Admiral’s telegram and come down to watch him. Don’t let’s talk about the old Admiral. Don’t let’s talk about anything. It’s enough to say that whenever this tower, with its pitch and resin-wood, really caught fire, the spark on the horizon always looked like the twin light to the coast light-house.”
“I thought about asking this young lady if it was morning yet and if she could look through that telescope at the river mouth and the river. She might have seen something interesting: the signal from the ship, or Mr. Walter Pendragon coming home, and maybe even the sign of the half-man, because even though he’s probably safe by now, he might have waded ashore. He was really close to another shipwreck and wouldn’t have made it out if the lady hadn’t had the good sense to doubt the old Admiral’s telegram and come down to watch him. Let’s not talk about the old Admiral. Let’s not talk about anything. It’s enough to say that whenever this tower, with its pitch and resin wood, actually caught fire, the spark on the horizon always looked like the twin light to the coast lighthouse.”
“And that,” said Flambeau, “is how the father and brother died. The wicked uncle of the legends very nearly got his estate after all.”
“And that,” said Flambeau, “is how the father and brother died. The evil uncle from the legends almost ended up with his estate after all.”
Father Brown did not answer; indeed, he did not speak again, save for civilities, till they were all safe round a cigar-box in the cabin of the yacht. He saw that the frustrated fire was extinguished; and then refused to linger, though he actually heard young Pendragon, escorted by an enthusiastic crowd, come tramping up the river bank; and might (had he been moved by romantic curiosities) have received the combined thanks of the man from the ship and the girl from the canoe. But his fatigue had fallen on him once more, and he only started once, when Flambeau abruptly told him he had dropped cigar-ash on his trousers.
Father Brown didn’t reply; in fact, he didn’t say anything else, except for polite comments, until they were all safely gathered around a cigar box in the yacht's cabin. He noticed that the fading fire was out; then he chose not to stay, even though he could hear young Pendragon, surrounded by an excited crowd, trudging up the riverbank. He could have received the combined gratitude of the man from the ship and the girl from the canoe, had he been interested in romantic gestures. But the weariness hit him again, and he only flinched once when Flambeau suddenly told him he had spilled cigar ash on his pants.
“That’s no cigar-ash,” he said rather wearily. “That’s from the fire, but you don’t think so because you’re all smoking cigars. That’s just the way I got my first faint suspicion about the chart.”
"That’s not cigar ash," he said, sounding pretty tired. "That’s from the fire, but you don’t believe it because you’re all smoking cigars. That’s just how I started to get my first hint about the chart."
“Do you mean Pendragon’s chart of his Pacific Islands?” asked Fanshaw.
“Are you talking about Pendragon's map of his Pacific Islands?” asked Fanshaw.
“You thought it was a chart of the Pacific Islands,” answered Brown. “Put a feather with a fossil and a bit of coral and everyone will think it’s a specimen. Put the same feather with a ribbon and an artificial flower and everyone will think it’s for a lady’s hat. Put the same feather with an ink-bottle, a book and a stack of writing-paper, and most men will swear they’ve seen a quill pen. So you saw that map among tropic birds and shells and thought it was a map of Pacific Islands. It was the map of this river.”
“You thought it was a map of the Pacific Islands,” Brown said. “Add a feather, a fossil, and a bit of coral, and everyone will assume it’s a specimen. Put the same feather with a ribbon and a fake flower, and people will think it’s for a lady’s hat. Combine that feather with an ink bottle, a book, and a stack of writing paper, and most men will insist they’ve seen a quill pen. So you spotted that map among some tropical birds and shells and thought it was a map of the Pacific Islands. It was actually the map of this river.”
“But how do you know?” asked Fanshaw.
“But how do you know?” Fanshaw asked.
“I saw the rock you thought was like a dragon, and the one like Merlin, and—”
“I saw the rock you thought looked like a dragon, and the one that resembled Merlin, and—”
“You seem to have noticed a lot as we came in,” cried Fanshaw. “We thought you were rather abstracted.”
“You seem to have noticed a lot as we came in,” yelled Fanshaw. “We thought you were a bit lost in thought.”
“I was sea-sick,” said Father Brown simply. “I felt simply horrible. But feeling horrible has nothing to do with not seeing things.” And he closed his eyes.
“I was sea-sick,” said Father Brown plainly. “I felt really awful. But feeling awful doesn’t stop you from seeing things.” And he closed his eyes.
“Do you think most men would have seen that?” asked Flambeau. He received no answer: Father Brown was asleep.
“Do you think most guys would have noticed that?” asked Flambeau. He got no reply: Father Brown was asleep.
NINE — The God of the Gongs
IT was one of those chilly and empty afternoons in early winter, when the daylight is silver rather than gold and pewter rather than silver. If it was dreary in a hundred bleak offices and yawning drawing-rooms, it was drearier still along the edges of the flat Essex coast, where the monotony was the more inhuman for being broken at very long intervals by a lamp-post that looked less civilized than a tree, or a tree that looked more ugly than a lamp-post. A light fall of snow had half-melted into a few strips, also looking leaden rather than silver, when it had been fixed again by the seal of frost; no fresh snow had fallen, but a ribbon of the old snow ran along the very margin of the coast, so as to parallel the pale ribbon of the foam.
It was one of those chilly, empty afternoons in early winter when the daylight was more silver than gold and more pewter than silver. If it felt dreary in a hundred bleak offices and yawning living rooms, it felt even drearier along the flat Essex coast, where the monotony was even more harsh, broken only at long intervals by a lamp-post that seemed less civilized than a tree, or a tree that looked uglier than a lamp-post. A light dusting of snow had partly melted into a few strips, which now looked more leaden than silver, and it had been sealed again by the frost; no fresh snow had fallen, but a strip of the old snow ran along the very edge of the coast, paralleling the pale strip of foam.
The line of the sea looked frozen in the very vividness of its violet-blue, like the vein of a frozen finger. For miles and miles, forward and back, there was no breathing soul, save two pedestrians, walking at a brisk pace, though one had much longer legs and took much longer strides than the other.
The shoreline looked still in its bright violet-blue, like the vein of a frozen finger. For miles ahead and behind, there wasn't a single person in sight, except for two walkers moving quickly, although one had much longer legs and took much longer strides than the other.
It did not seem a very appropriate place or time for a holiday, but Father Brown had few holidays, and had to take them when he could, and he always preferred, if possible, to take them in company with his old friend Flambeau, ex-criminal and ex-detective. The priest had had a fancy for visiting his old parish at Cobhole, and was going north-eastward along the coast.
It didn’t seem like the right place or time for a vacation, but Father Brown rarely had holidays and had to make the most of them when he could. He always preferred to spend them with his old friend Flambeau, a former criminal and ex-detective. The priest wanted to visit his old parish in Cobhole and was heading northeast along the coast.
After walking a mile or two farther, they found that the shore was beginning to be formally embanked, so as to form something like a parade; the ugly lamp-posts became less few and far between and more ornamental, though quite equally ugly. Half a mile farther on Father Brown was puzzled first by little labyrinths of flowerless flower-pots, covered with the low, flat, quiet-coloured plants that look less like a garden than a tessellated pavement, between weak curly paths studded with seats with curly backs. He faintly sniffed the atmosphere of a certain sort of seaside town that he did not specially care about, and, looking ahead along the parade by the sea, he saw something that put the matter beyond a doubt. In the grey distance the big bandstand of a watering-place stood up like a giant mushroom with six legs.
After walking a mile or two further, they noticed that the shoreline was starting to be formally lined with an embankment, creating what looked like a promenade; the ugly lamp-posts were no longer sparingly placed but appeared more decorative, though still just as unattractive. Half a mile on, Father Brown was puzzled by the small maze of barren flower pots, filled with low, flat, muted-colored plants that looked less like a garden and more like a tiled pavement, bordered by weak, winding paths dotted with benches featuring curved backs. He faintly sensed the atmosphere of a specific type of seaside town that he wasn’t particularly fond of, and glancing ahead along the seaside promenade, he spotted something that made it clear what kind of place this was. In the gray distance, the large bandstand of a resort town loomed like a giant mushroom with six legs.
“I suppose,” said Father Brown, turning up his coat-collar and drawing a woollen scarf rather closer round his neck, “that we are approaching a pleasure resort.”
"I guess," said Father Brown, pulling up his coat collar and wrapping his wool scarf a bit tighter around his neck, "that we're getting close to a vacation spot."
“I fear,” answered Flambeau, “a pleasure resort to which few people just now have the pleasure of resorting. They try to revive these places in the winter, but it never succeeds except with Brighton and the old ones. This must be Seawood, I think—Lord Pooley’s experiment; he had the Sicilian Singers down at Christmas, and there’s talk about holding one of the great glove-fights here. But they’ll have to chuck the rotten place into the sea; it’s as dreary as a lost railway-carriage.”
“I’m worried,” replied Flambeau, “about a resort that not many people are visiting right now. They try to bring life back to these places in the winter, but it only works for Brighton and the classics. I think this must be Seawood—Lord Pooley’s venture; he brought in the Sicilian Singers at Christmas, and there’s buzz about hosting one of the big boxing matches here. But they’ll need to toss that rundown place into the sea; it’s as depressing as a forgotten train car.”
They had come under the big bandstand, and the priest was looking up at it with a curiosity that had something rather odd about it, his head a little on one side, like a bird’s. It was the conventional, rather tawdry kind of erection for its purpose: a flattened dome or canopy, gilt here and there, and lifted on six slender pillars of painted wood, the whole being raised about five feet above the parade on a round wooden platform like a drum. But there was something fantastic about the snow combined with something artificial about the gold that haunted Flambeau as well as his friend with some association he could not capture, but which he knew was at once artistic and alien.
They had gathered under the large bandstand, and the priest was gazing up at it with a peculiar curiosity, his head slightly tilted to one side like a bird’s. It was the typical, somewhat cheap-looking structure for its purpose: a flat dome or canopy, with bits of gold here and there, elevated on six slender, painted wooden pillars, the whole thing raised about five feet above the parade on a round wooden platform like a drum. But there was something surreal about the snow combined with something artificial about the gold that unsettled Flambeau and his friend with an association they couldn’t quite grasp, though they knew it felt both artistic and strange.
“I’ve got it,” he said at last. “It’s Japanese. It’s like those fanciful Japanese prints, where the snow on the mountain looks like sugar, and the gilt on the pagodas is like gilt on gingerbread. It looks just like a little pagan temple.”
“I’ve got it,” he finally said. “It’s Japanese. It’s like those whimsical Japanese prints, where the snow on the mountain looks like sugar, and the gold on the pagodas is like gold on gingerbread. It looks just like a little pagan temple.”
“Yes,” said Father Brown. “Let’s have a look at the god.” And with an agility hardly to be expected of him, he hopped up on to the raised platform.
“Yes,” said Father Brown. “Let’s check out the god.” And with a surprising agility, he jumped up onto the raised platform.
“Oh, very well,” said Flambeau, laughing; and the next instant his own towering figure was visible on that quaint elevation.
“Oh, fine,” said Flambeau, laughing; and the next moment his own tall figure appeared on that quirky hill.
Slight as was the difference of height, it gave in those level wastes a sense of seeing yet farther and farther across land and sea. Inland the little wintry gardens faded into a confused grey copse; beyond that, in the distance, were long low barns of a lonely farmhouse, and beyond that nothing but the long East Anglian plains. Seawards there was no sail or sign of life save a few seagulls: and even they looked like the last snowflakes, and seemed to float rather than fly.
Slight as the difference in height was, it made it feel like you could see even farther across the flat land and sea. Inland, the small winter gardens faded into a blurred grey thicket; beyond that, in the distance, there were long, low barns belonging to a secluded farmhouse, and beyond that, just the vast East Anglian plains. Toward the sea, there was no sail or sign of life except for a few seagulls, which looked like the last snowflakes and seemed to glide rather than fly.
Flambeau turned abruptly at an exclamation behind him. It seemed to come from lower down than might have been expected, and to be addressed to his heels rather than his head. He instantly held out his hand, but he could hardly help laughing at what he saw. For some reason or other the platform had given way under Father Brown, and the unfortunate little man had dropped through to the level of the parade. He was just tall enough, or short enough, for his head alone to stick out of the hole in the broken wood, looking like St John the Baptist’s head on a charger. The face wore a disconcerted expression, as did, perhaps, that of St John the Baptist.
Flambeau turned suddenly at a shout behind him. It seemed to come from lower down than expected and was aimed at his heels rather than his head. He quickly held out his hand, but couldn’t help laughing at what he saw. For some reason, the platform had given way under Father Brown, and the poor little man had fallen through to the level of the parade. He was just tall enough, or short enough, that only his head was sticking out of the hole in the broken wood, looking like St. John the Baptist’s head on a platter. His face had a confused expression, similar, perhaps, to that of St. John the Baptist.
In a moment he began to laugh a little. “This wood must be rotten,” said Flambeau. “Though it seems odd it should bear me, and you go through the weak place. Let me help you out.”
In a moment, he started to chuckle a bit. “This wood must be rotten,” said Flambeau. “It’s strange that it can hold me while you go through the weak spot. Let me give you a hand.”
But the little priest was looking rather curiously at the corners and edges of the wood alleged to be rotten, and there was a sort of trouble on his brow.
But the little priest was looking quite curiously at the corners and edges of the wood that was said to be rotten, and there was a certain worry on his forehead.
“Come along,” cried Flambeau impatiently, still with his big brown hand extended. “Don’t you want to get out?”
“Come on,” shouted Flambeau impatiently, still with his big brown hand outstretched. “Don’t you want to leave?”
The priest was holding a splinter of the broken wood between his finger and thumb, and did not immediately reply. At last he said thoughtfully: “Want to get out? Why, no. I rather think I want to get in.” And he dived into the darkness under the wooden floor so abruptly as to knock off his big curved clerical hat and leave it lying on the boards above, without any clerical head in it.
The priest was holding a piece of broken wood between his finger and thumb and didn’t answer right away. Finally, he said thoughtfully, “Want to get out? No, I actually think I want to go in.” Then he dove into the darkness under the wooden floor so suddenly that he knocked off his large, curved clerical hat, leaving it behind on the boards above without any head in it.
Flambeau looked once more inland and out to sea, and once more could see nothing but seas as wintry as the snow, and snows as level as the sea.
Flambeau looked again toward the land and out to the ocean, and once more he could see nothing but seas as cold as the snow, and snows as flat as the ocean.
There came a scurrying noise behind him, and the little priest came scrambling out of the hole faster than he had fallen in. His face was no longer disconcerted, but rather resolute, and, perhaps only through the reflections of the snow, a trifle paler than usual.
There was a scurrying noise behind him, and the little priest scrambled out of the hole faster than he had fallen in. His face was no longer anxious, but instead determined, and, maybe just because of the snow's reflection, slightly paler than usual.
“Well?” asked his tall friend. “Have you found the god of the temple?”
“Well?” asked his tall friend. “Did you find the god of the temple?”
“No,” answered Father Brown. “I have found what was sometimes more important. The Sacrifice.”
“No,” Father Brown replied. “I’ve discovered something that can be even more important at times: the Sacrifice.”
“What the devil do you mean?” cried Flambeau, quite alarmed.
“What on earth do you mean?” shouted Flambeau, clearly worried.
Father Brown did not answer. He was staring, with a knot in his forehead, at the landscape; and he suddenly pointed at it. “What’s that house over there?” he asked.
Father Brown didn't answer. He was staring, with a crease in his forehead, at the landscape; then he suddenly pointed at it. "What's that house over there?" he asked.
Following his finger, Flambeau saw for the first time the corners of a building nearer than the farmhouse, but screened for the most part with a fringe of trees. It was not a large building, and stood well back from the shore—, but a glint of ornament on it suggested that it was part of the same watering-place scheme of decoration as the bandstand, the little gardens and the curly-backed iron seats.
Following his finger, Flambeau saw for the first time the edges of a building closer than the farmhouse, mostly hidden by a line of trees. It wasn’t a big building and was set far back from the shore—but a sparkle of decoration on it hinted that it was part of the same resort design as the bandstand, the small gardens, and the curved iron benches.
Father Brown jumped off the bandstand, his friend following; and as they walked in the direction indicated the trees fell away to right and left, and they saw a small, rather flashy hotel, such as is common in resorts—the hotel of the Saloon Bar rather than the Bar Parlour. Almost the whole frontage was of gilt plaster and figured glass, and between that grey seascape and the grey, witch-like trees, its gimcrack quality had something spectral in its melancholy. They both felt vaguely that if any food or drink were offered at such a hostelry, it would be the paste-board ham and empty mug of the pantomime.
Father Brown jumped off the stage, his friend following him. As they walked in the direction indicated, the trees parted to the right and left, revealing a small, somewhat gaudy hotel, typical of resorts—more reminiscent of a bar than a fancy lounge. The entire front was covered in gold plaster and decorative glass, and against that gray seascape and the eerie, twisted trees, its cheapness had a haunting quality to its sadness. They both sensed that if any food or drink were served at such a place, it would be the cardboard ham and empty mugs you’d expect in a play.
In this, however, they were not altogether confirmed. As they drew nearer and nearer to the place they saw in front of the buffet, which was apparently closed, one of the iron garden-seats with curly backs that had adorned the gardens, but much longer, running almost the whole length of the frontage. Presumably, it was placed so that visitors might sit there and look at the sea, but one hardly expected to find anyone doing it in such weather.
In this, however, they weren't entirely certain. As they got closer to the place they saw in front of the buffet, which seemed to be closed, they noticed one of the iron garden benches with decorative backs that had been in the gardens, but much longer, stretching almost the entire length of the front. It was likely meant for visitors to sit and watch the sea, but it was hard to imagine anyone doing that in such weather.
Nevertheless, just in front of the extreme end of the iron seat stood a small round restaurant table, and on this stood a small bottle of Chablis and a plate of almonds and raisins. Behind the table and on the seat sat a dark-haired young man, bareheaded, and gazing at the sea in a state of almost astonishing immobility.
Nonetheless, right in front of the very end of the iron seat was a small round restaurant table, and on it sat a small bottle of Chablis along with a plate of almonds and raisins. Behind the table and on the seat was a dark-haired young man, without a hat, staring at the sea with an almost stunning stillness.
But though he might have been a waxwork when they were within four yards of him, he jumped up like a jack-in-the-box when they came within three, and said in a deferential, though not undignified, manner: “Will you step inside, gentlemen? I have no staff at present, but I can get you anything simple myself.”
But even though he could have been a lifeless statue when they were four yards away, he jumped up like a jack-in-the-box when they got within three and said politely, yet with dignity, “Would you like to come inside, gentlemen? I don’t have any staff available right now, but I can get you anything simple myself.”
“Much obliged,” said Flambeau. “So you are the proprietor?”
"Thanks a lot," said Flambeau. "So you're the owner?"
“Yes,” said the dark man, dropping back a little into his motionless manner. “My waiters are all Italians, you see, and I thought it only fair they should see their countryman beat the black, if he really can do it. You know the great fight between Malvoli and Nigger Ned is coming off after all?”
“Yes,” said the dark man, stepping back a bit into his still demeanor. “All my waiters are Italian, you see, and I thought it was only fair they should see their countryman take down the black guy, if he really can do it. You know the big fight between Malvoli and Nigger Ned is happening after all?”
“I’m afraid we can’t wait to trouble your hospitality seriously,” said Father Brown. “But my friend would be glad of a glass of sherry, I’m sure, to keep out the cold and drink success to the Latin champion.”
“I’m afraid we can’t impose on your hospitality too much,” said Father Brown. “But I’m sure my friend would really appreciate a glass of sherry to warm up and toast to the Latin champion’s success.”
Flambeau did not understand the sherry, but he did not object to it in the least. He could only say amiably: “Oh, thank you very much.”
Flambeau didn’t get the sherry, but he didn’t mind it at all. He could only say kindly, “Oh, thank you very much.”
“Sherry, sir—certainly,” said their host, turning to his hostel. “Excuse me if I detain you a few minutes. As I told you, I have no staff—” And he went towards the black windows of his shuttered and unlighted inn.
“Sherry, sir—of course,” replied their host, turning to his inn. “Sorry to hold you up for a few minutes. As I mentioned, I don't have any staff—” And he moved toward the dark windows of his closed and unlit inn.
“Oh, it doesn’t really matter,” began Flambeau, but the man turned to reassure him.
“Oh, it doesn’t really matter,” Flambeau started, but the man turned to assure him.
“I have the keys,” he said. “I could find my way in the dark.”
“I have the keys,” he said. “I can find my way in the dark.”
“I didn’t mean—” began Father Brown.
“I didn’t mean—” started Father Brown.
He was interrupted by a bellowing human voice that came out of the bowels of the uninhabited hotel. It thundered some foreign name loudly but inaudibly, and the hotel proprietor moved more sharply towards it than he had done for Flambeau’s sherry. As instant evidence proved, the proprietor had told, then and after, nothing but the literal truth. But both Flambeau and Father Brown have often confessed that, in all their (often outrageous) adventures, nothing had so chilled their blood as that voice of an ogre, sounding suddenly out of a silent and empty inn.
He was interrupted by a loud human voice that came from deep inside the empty hotel. It boomed some foreign name, loud but unintelligible, and the hotel owner moved toward it more briskly than he had for Flambeau’s sherry. As immediate evidence showed, the owner had spoken only the literal truth, both then and afterward. But both Flambeau and Father Brown often admitted that, in all their (often outrageous) adventures, nothing had chilled them to the bone as that ogre-like voice suddenly echoing from a quiet and deserted inn.
“My cook!” cried the proprietor hastily. “I had forgotten my cook. He will be starting presently. Sherry, sir?”
“My cook!” the owner exclaimed quickly. “I completely forgot about my cook. He'll be here soon. Sherry, sir?”
And, sure enough, there appeared in the doorway a big white bulk with white cap and white apron, as befits a cook, but with the needless emphasis of a black face. Flambeau had often heard that negroes made good cooks. But somehow something in the contrast of colour and caste increased his surprise that the hotel proprietor should answer the call of the cook, and not the cook the call of the proprietor. But he reflected that head cooks are proverbially arrogant; and, besides, the host had come back with the sherry, and that was the great thing.
And sure enough, a large figure appeared in the doorway, dressed in a white cap and white apron, like a proper cook, but with an unnecessary emphasis of a black face. Flambeau had often heard that Black people made good cooks. Yet, there was something about the contrast of color and class that surprised him more that the hotel owner would respond to the cook's call, rather than the other way around. But he realized that head cooks are known to be quite proud; plus, the host had returned with the sherry, and that was the most important thing.
“I rather wonder,” said Father Brown, “that there are so few people about the beach, when this big fight is coming on after all. We only met one man for miles.”
“I wonder,” said Father Brown, “why there are so few people on the beach when this big fight is about to happen. We only saw one guy for miles.”
The hotel proprietor shrugged his shoulders. “They come from the other end of the town, you see—from the station, three miles from here. They are only interested in the sport, and will stop in hotels for the night only. After all, it is hardly weather for basking on the shore.”
The hotel owner shrugged. “They come from the other side of town, you know—from the station, three miles away. They’re only into the sport, and will just stay in hotels for the night. After all, it’s not exactly the best weather for lounging on the beach.”
“Or on the seat,” said Flambeau, and pointed to the little table.
“Or on the seat,” Flambeau said, pointing to the small table.
“I have to keep a look-out,” said the man with the motionless face. He was a quiet, well-featured fellow, rather sallow; his dark clothes had nothing distinctive about them, except that his black necktie was worn rather high, like a stock, and secured by a gold pin with some grotesque head to it. Nor was there anything notable in the face, except something that was probably a mere nervous trick—a habit of opening one eye more narrowly than the other, giving the impression that the other was larger, or was, perhaps, artificial.
“I have to keep watch,” said the man with the expressionless face. He was a calm, good-looking guy, a bit pale; his dark clothes didn’t stand out except for his black necktie, which was tied quite high like a stock and fastened with a gold pin featuring some strange head. There was nothing remarkable about his face, aside from what was probably just a nervous tic—a habit of squinting one eye more than the other, making the other one appear larger, or maybe even fake.
The silence that ensued was broken by their host saying quietly: “Whereabouts did you meet the one man on your march?”
The silence that followed was interrupted by their host speaking softly: “Where did you meet the only guy on your march?”
“Curiously enough,” answered the priest, “close by here—just by that bandstand.”
“Interestingly,” replied the priest, “right around here—just by that bandstand.”
Flambeau, who had sat on the long iron seat to finish his sherry, put it down and rose to his feet, staring at his friend in amazement. He opened his mouth to speak, and then shut it again.
Flambeau, who had been sitting on the long iron bench to finish his sherry, set it down and stood up, staring at his friend in disbelief. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.
“Curious,” said the dark-haired man thoughtfully. “What was he like?”
“Curious,” said the dark-haired man thoughtfully. “What was he like?”
“It was rather dark when I saw him,” began Father Brown, “but he was—”
“It was pretty dark when I saw him,” Father Brown started, “but he was—”
As has been said, the hotel-keeper can be proved to have told the precise truth. His phrase that the cook was starting presently was fulfilled to the letter, for the cook came out, pulling his gloves on, even as they spoke.
As mentioned, it's clear that the hotel manager told the exact truth. His statement that the cook would be coming out soon was spot on, as the cook came out, putting on his gloves, just as they were talking.
But he was a very different figure from the confused mass of white and black that had appeared for an instant in the doorway. He was buttoned and buckled up to his bursting eyeballs in the most brilliant fashion. A tall black hat was tilted on his broad black head—a hat of the sort that the French wit has compared to eight mirrors. But somehow the black man was like the black hat. He also was black, and yet his glossy skin flung back the light at eight angles or more. It is needless to say that he wore white spats and a white slip inside his waistcoat. The red flower stood up in his buttonhole aggressively, as if it had suddenly grown there. And in the way he carried his cane in one hand and his cigar in the other there was a certain attitude—an attitude we must always remember when we talk of racial prejudices: something innocent and insolent—the cake walk.
But he was a very different figure from the confused jumble of black and white that had shown up for a moment in the doorway. He was dressed up to the nines in the most vibrant way. A tall black hat was tilted on his broad black head—a hat that a French comedian once compared to eight mirrors. Somehow, the black man resembled the black hat. He was also black, yet his shiny skin reflected the light at eight angles or more. It's worth mentioning that he wore white spats and a white vest underneath his waistcoat. The red flower stood out in his buttonhole boldly, as if it had just bloomed there. And the way he held his cane in one hand and his cigar in the other conveyed a certain attitude—an attitude we should always keep in mind when discussing racial biases: something both innocent and cheeky—the cakewalk.
“Sometimes,” said Flambeau, looking after him, “I’m not surprised that they lynch them.”
“Sometimes,” Flambeau said, watching him leave, “I can’t say I’m shocked that they lynch them.”
“I am never surprised,” said Father Brown, “at any work of hell. But as I was saying,” he resumed, as the negro, still ostentatiously pulling on his yellow gloves, betook himself briskly towards the watering-place, a queer music-hall figure against that grey and frosty scene—“as I was saying, I couldn’t describe the man very minutely, but he had a flourish and old-fashioned whiskers and moustachios, dark or dyed, as in the pictures of foreign financiers, round his neck was wrapped a long purple scarf that thrashed out in the wind as he walked. It was fixed at the throat rather in the way that nurses fix children’s comforters with a safety-pin. Only this,” added the priest, gazing placidly out to sea, “was not a safety-pin.”
“I’m never surprised,” Father Brown said, “by any act of evil. But as I was saying,” he continued, as the black man, still dramatically putting on his yellow gloves, walked quickly towards the watering place, a strange music-hall character against that grey and frosty backdrop—“as I was saying, I couldn’t describe the man in great detail, but he had a flamboyant style and old-fashioned sideburns and mustache, dark or dyed, like in pictures of international financiers, and around his neck was a long purple scarf that whipped around in the wind as he walked. It was pinned at the throat somewhat like how nurses secure children’s comforters with a safety pin. Only this,” the priest added, gazing calmly out to sea, “wasn’t a safety pin.”
The man sitting on the long iron bench was also gazing placidly out to sea. Now he was once more in repose. Flambeau felt quite certain that one of his eyes was naturally larger than the other. Both were now well opened, and he could almost fancy the left eye grew larger as he gazed.
The man sitting on the long iron bench was calmly looking out at the sea. He was relaxed once again. Flambeau was pretty sure that one of his eyes was naturally bigger than the other. Both were wide open now, and he could almost believe that the left eye seemed to grow larger as he stared.
“It was a very long gold pin, and had the carved head of a monkey or some such thing,” continued the cleric; “and it was fixed in a rather odd way—he wore pince-nez and a broad black—”
“It was a really long gold pin, and it had the carved head of a monkey or something like that,” the cleric went on; “and it was attached in a pretty unusual way—he wore pince-nez and a wide black—”
The motionless man continued to gaze at the sea, and the eyes in his head might have belonged to two different men. Then he made a movement of blinding swiftness.
The still man kept staring at the sea, and his eyes seemed like they belonged to two different people. Then he suddenly moved with astonishing speed.
Father Brown had his back to him, and in that flash might have fallen dead on his face. Flambeau had no weapon, but his large brown hands were resting on the end of the long iron seat. His shoulders abruptly altered their shape, and he heaved the whole huge thing high over his head, like a headsman’s axe about to fall. The mere height of the thing, as he held it vertical, looked like a long iron ladder by which he was inviting men to climb towards the stars. But the long shadow, in the level evening light, looked like a giant brandishing the Eiffel Tower. It was the shock of that shadow, before the shock of the iron crash, that made the stranger quail and dodge, and then dart into his inn, leaving the flat and shining dagger he had dropped exactly where it had fallen.
Father Brown had his back turned to him, and in that instant could have collapsed right onto his face. Flambeau was unarmed, but his large brown hands rested on the end of the long iron bench. Suddenly, his shoulders changed shape, and he lifted the entire massive object high over his head, like an executioner's axe about to drop. The height of it, as he held it upright, looked like a long iron ladder inviting men to reach for the stars. But the long shadow it cast in the evening light resembled a giant wielding the Eiffel Tower. It was the shock of that shadow, before the impact of the iron crashing down, that made the stranger flinch and duck, then hurry into his inn, leaving the flat and shiny dagger he had dropped exactly where it fell.
“We must get away from here instantly,” cried Flambeau, flinging the huge seat away with furious indifference on the beach. He caught the little priest by the elbow and ran him down a grey perspective of barren back garden, at the end of which there was a closed back garden door. Flambeau bent over it an instant in violent silence, and then said: “The door is locked.”
“We need to get out of here right now,” shouted Flambeau, throwing the large seat aside with furious disregard on the beach. He grabbed the little priest by the elbow and hurried him down a dull stretch of empty backyard, where there was a closed garden door at the end. Flambeau crouched in front of it for a moment in intense silence, then said, “The door is locked.”
As he spoke a black feather from one of the ornamental firs fell, brushing the brim of his hat. It startled him more than the small and distant detonation that had come just before. Then came another distant detonation, and the door he was trying to open shook under the bullet buried in it. Flambeau’s shoulders again filled out and altered suddenly. Three hinges and a lock burst at the same instant, and he went out into the empty path behind, carrying the great garden door with him, as Samson carried the gates of Gaza.
As he spoke, a black feather from one of the decorative fir trees fell, brushing against the brim of his hat. It startled him more than the faint explosion that had happened just before. Then another distant explosion echoed, and the door he was trying to open shook from the bullet lodged in it. Flambeau's shoulders tensed and suddenly changed shape again. Three hinges and a lock broke all at once, and he stepped out into the empty path behind him, carrying the heavy garden door with him, just like Samson carried the gates of Gaza.
Then he flung the garden door over the garden wall, just as a third shot picked up a spurt of snow and dust behind his heel. Without ceremony he snatched up the little priest, slung him astraddle on his shoulders, and went racing towards Seawood as fast as his long legs could carry him. It was not until nearly two miles farther on that he set his small companion down. It had hardly been a dignified escape, in spite of the classic model of Anchises, but Father Brown’s face only wore a broad grin.
Then he threw the garden door over the garden wall, just as a third shot kicked up a cloud of snow and dust behind his heel. Without any hesitation, he grabbed the little priest, tossed him over his shoulders, and sprinted toward Seawood as fast as his long legs could take him. It wasn't until almost two miles later that he set his small companion down. It hadn’t exactly been a dignified escape, despite the classic example of Anchises, but Father Brown's face was only grinning widely.
“Well,” said Flambeau, after an impatient silence, as they resumed their more conventional tramp through the streets on the edge of the town, where no outrage need be feared, “I don’t know what all this means, but I take it I may trust my own eyes that you never met the man you have so accurately described.”
“Well,” Flambeau said after a frustrating pause, as they continued their usual walk through the safer streets on the outskirts of town, “I don’t get what all this means, but I believe my own eyes when I say you never met the guy you’ve described so well.”
“I did meet him in a way,” Brown said, biting his finger rather nervously—“I did really. And it was too dark to see him properly, because it was under that bandstand affair. But I’m afraid I didn’t describe him so very accurately after all, for his pince-nez was broken under him, and the long gold pin wasn’t stuck through his purple scarf but through his heart.”
“I did meet him in a way,” Brown said, nervously biting his finger. “I really did. But it was too dark to see him clearly since it was under that bandstand thing. However, I’m afraid I didn’t describe him very accurately after all, because his pince-nez was broken beneath him, and the long gold pin wasn’t through his purple scarf but through his heart.”
“And I suppose,” said the other in a lower voice, “that glass-eyed guy had something to do with it.”
“And I guess,” said the other in a quieter voice, “that guy with the glass eye had something to do with it.”
“I had hoped he had only a little,” answered Brown in a rather troubled voice, “and I may have been wrong in what I did. I acted on impulse. But I fear this business has deep roots and dark.”
“I had hoped he had only a little,” answered Brown in a somewhat troubled voice, “and I might have been mistaken in what I did. I acted on impulse. But I worry this situation has deep and dark roots.”
They walked on through some streets in silence. The yellow lamps were beginning to be lit in the cold blue twilight, and they were evidently approaching the more central parts of the town. Highly coloured bills announcing the glove-fight between Nigger Ned and Malvoli were slapped about the walls.
They walked through the streets in silence. The yellow lamps were starting to light up in the cold blue twilight, and it was clear they were getting closer to the central parts of the town. Brightly colored posters advertising the glove fight between Nigger Ned and Malvoli were plastered all over the walls.
“Well,” said Flambeau, “I never murdered anyone, even in my criminal days, but I can almost sympathize with anyone doing it in such a dreary place. Of all God-forsaken dustbins of Nature, I think the most heart-breaking are places like that bandstand, that were meant to be festive and are forlorn. I can fancy a morbid man feeling he must kill his rival in the solitude and irony of such a scene. I remember once taking a tramp in your glorious Surrey hills, thinking of nothing but gorse and skylarks, when I came out on a vast circle of land, and over me lifted a vast, voiceless structure, tier above tier of seats, as huge as a Roman amphitheatre and as empty as a new letter-rack. A bird sailed in heaven over it. It was the Grand Stand at Epsom. And I felt that no one would ever be happy there again.”
“Well,” Flambeau said, “I’ve never killed anyone, even back in my criminal days, but I can almost understand why someone might do it in a place as dreary as this. Of all the forgotten corners of nature, I think the most heartbreaking are spots like that bandstand—intended to be joyful but now so sad. I can picture a troubled person feeling the urge to eliminate their rival in the solitude and irony of such a setting. I remember once hiking in your beautiful Surrey hills, only thinking about gorse and skylarks, when I stumbled upon a vast circle of land, and above me loomed an enormous, silent structure with tier upon tier of seats, as massive as a Roman amphitheater and as empty as a brand-new filing rack. A bird glided overhead. It was the Grand Stand at Epsom. And I felt like nobody would ever find happiness there again.”
“It’s odd you should mention Epsom,” said the priest. “Do you remember what was called the Sutton Mystery, because two suspected men—ice-cream men, I think—happened to live at Sutton? They were eventually released. A man was found strangled, it was said, on the Downs round that part. As a fact, I know (from an Irish policeman who is a friend of mine) that he was found close up to the Epsom Grand Stand—in fact, only hidden by one of the lower doors being pushed back.”
“It’s strange you brought up Epsom,” said the priest. “Do you remember the Sutton Mystery? Two guys who sold ice cream were suspected because they lived in Sutton. They were eventually cleared. A man was found strangled, or so they said, in the Downs around that area. Actually, I know (from an Irish cop who’s a friend of mine) that he was discovered right by the Epsom Grand Stand—in fact, he was just hidden behind one of the lower doors being pushed open.”
“That is queer,” assented Flambeau. “But it rather confirms my view that such pleasure places look awfully lonely out of season, or the man wouldn’t have been murdered there.”
"That is strange," agreed Flambeau. "But it actually supports my belief that places like this seem really lonely when they’re not in season, or the man wouldn’t have been killed here."
“I’m not so sure he—” began Brown, and stopped.
“I’m not so sure he—” started Brown, then paused.
“Not so sure he was murdered?” queried his companion.
“Are you really not sure he was murdered?” asked his friend.
“Not so sure he was murdered out of the season,” answered the little priest, with simplicity. “Don’t you think there’s something rather tricky about this solitude, Flambeau? Do you feel sure a wise murderer would always want the spot to be lonely? It’s very, very seldom a man is quite alone. And, short of that, the more alone he is, the more certain he is to be seen. No; I think there must be some other—Why, here we are at the Pavilion or Palace, or whatever they call it.”
“I'm not so sure he was killed during the off-season,” replied the little priest, simply. “Don’t you think there’s something a bit suspicious about this solitude, Flambeau? Are you really convinced that a clever murderer would always want the place to be deserted? It's really rare for someone to be completely alone. And, even if they are, the more alone they are, the more likely they are to be noticed. No; I think there must be something else—Oh, look, here we are at the Pavilion or Palace, or whatever they call it.”
They had emerged on a small square, brilliantly lighted, of which the principal building was gay with gilding, gaudy with posters, and flanked with two giant photographs of Malvoli and Nigger Ned.
They had come out into a small square, brightly lit, where the main building was cheerful with gold leaf, flashy with posters, and flanked by two giant photos of Malvoli and Nigger Ned.
“Hallo!” cried Flambeau in great surprise, as his clerical friend stumped straight up the broad steps. “I didn’t know pugilism was your latest hobby. Are you going to see the fight?”
“Hello!” exclaimed Flambeau in shock as his clerical friend walked up the wide steps. “I had no idea boxing was your new hobby. Are you going to the match?”
“I don’t think there will be any fight,” replied Father Brown.
“I don’t think there will be any fight,” Father Brown replied.
They passed rapidly through ante-rooms and inner rooms; they passed through the hall of combat itself, raised, roped, and padded with innumerable seats and boxes, and still the cleric did not look round or pause till he came to a clerk at a desk outside a door marked “Committee”. There he stopped and asked to see Lord Pooley.
They quickly moved through waiting areas and inner rooms; they went through the actual combat hall, which was elevated, roped off, and filled with countless seats and boxes, and still the cleric didn’t look back or stop until he reached a clerk at a desk outside a door labeled “Committee.” There, he paused and asked to see Lord Pooley.
The attendant observed that his lordship was very busy, as the fight was coming on soon, but Father Brown had a good-tempered tedium of reiteration for which the official mind is generally not prepared. In a few moments the rather baffled Flambeau found himself in the presence of a man who was still shouting directions to another man going out of the room. “Be careful, you know, about the ropes after the fourth—Well, and what do you want, I wonder!”
The attendant noticed that his lordship was quite busy since the fight was about to start, but Father Brown had a good-natured patience for repeating himself that the official mind usually isn’t ready for. In a few moments, the somewhat confused Flambeau found himself facing a man who was still shouting instructions to someone leaving the room. “Be careful about the ropes after the fourth—Well, what do you want, I wonder!”
Lord Pooley was a gentleman, and, like most of the few remaining to our race, was worried—especially about money. He was half grey and half flaxen, and he had the eyes of fever and a high-bridged, frost-bitten nose.
Lord Pooley was a gentleman, and, like most of the few left in our class, he was anxious—particularly about money. His hair was half grey and half light blonde, and he had feverish eyes and a sharply defined, frostbitten nose.
“Only a word,” said Father Brown. “I have come to prevent a man being killed.”
“Just a word,” said Father Brown. “I’m here to stop someone from being killed.”
Lord Pooley bounded off his chair as if a spring had flung him from it. “I’m damned if I’ll stand any more of this!” he cried. “You and your committees and parsons and petitions! Weren’t there parsons in the old days, when they fought without gloves? Now they’re fighting with the regulation gloves, and there’s not the rag of a possibility of either of the boxers being killed.”
Lord Pooley jumped out of his chair as if a spring had propelled him. “I won’t stand for any more of this!” he exclaimed. “You and your committees and ministers and petitions! Weren’t there ministers back in the day when they fought like real men? Now they’re fighting with the official gloves, and there’s no chance of either boxer getting killed.”
“I didn’t mean either of the boxers,” said the little priest.
“I didn’t mean either of the boxers,” said the small priest.
“Well, well, well!” said the nobleman, with a touch of frosty humour. “Who’s going to be killed? The referee?”
“Well, well, well!” said the nobleman, with a hint of cold humor. “Who’s going to be killed? The referee?”
“I don’t know who’s going to be killed,” replied Father Brown, with a reflective stare. “If I did I shouldn’t have to spoil your pleasure. I could simply get him to escape. I never could see anything wrong about prize-fights. As it is, I must ask you to announce that the fight is off for the present.”
“I don’t know who’s going to be killed,” replied Father Brown, looking thoughtful. “If I did, I wouldn’t have to ruin your enjoyment. I could just make sure he escapes. I’ve never seen anything wrong with prize fights. For now, though, I need you to announce that the fight is off.”
“Anything else?” jeered the gentleman with feverish eyes. “And what do you say to the two thousand people who have come to see it?”
“Anything else?” mocked the man with wild eyes. “And what do you have to say to the two thousand people who have come to see it?”
“I say there will be one thousand nine-hundred and ninety-nine of them left alive when they have seen it,” said Father Brown.
“I say there will be one thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine of them left alive when they see it,” said Father Brown.
Lord Pooley looked at Flambeau. “Is your friend mad?” he asked.
Lord Pooley looked at Flambeau. “Is your friend crazy?” he asked.
“Far from it,” was the reply.
"Not at all," was the reply.
“And look here,” resumed Pooley in his restless way, “it’s worse than that. A whole pack of Italians have turned up to back Malvoli—swarthy, savage fellows of some country, anyhow. You know what these Mediterranean races are like. If I send out word that it’s off we shall have Malvoli storming in here at the head of a whole Corsican clan.”
“And look,” Pooley said, shifting uneasily, “it’s even worse than that. A whole group of Italians have shown up to support Malvoli—dark, fierce guys from somewhere. You know how these Mediterranean people can be. If I spread the word that it’s canceled, we’ll have Malvoli bursting in here with a whole Corsican crew.”
“My lord, it is a matter of life and death,” said the priest. “Ring your bell. Give your message. And see whether it is Malvoli who answers.”
“Sir, it's a matter of life and death,” said the priest. “Ring your bell. Send your message. And see if Malvoli responds.”
The nobleman struck the bell on the table with an odd air of new curiosity. He said to the clerk who appeared almost instantly in the doorway: “I have a serious announcement to make to the audience shortly. Meanwhile, would you kindly tell the two champions that the fight will have to be put off.”
The nobleman rang the bell on the table with a strange sense of curiosity. He said to the clerk who appeared almost instantly in the doorway, “I have an important announcement to make to the audience soon. In the meantime, could you please let the two champions know that the fight will have to be postponed?”
The clerk stared for some seconds as if at a demon and vanished.
The clerk stared for a few seconds as if at a demon and then disappeared.
“What authority have you for what you say?” asked Lord Pooley abruptly. “Whom did you consult?”
“What proof do you have for what you’re saying?” Lord Pooley asked suddenly. “Who did you talk to?”
“I consulted a bandstand,” said Father Brown, scratching his head. “But, no, I’m wrong; I consulted a book, too. I picked it up on a bookstall in London—very cheap, too.”
“I checked out a bandstand,” Father Brown said, scratching his head. “But, no, I’m mistaken; I checked out a book as well. I found it at a bookstall in London—very cheap, too.”
He had taken out of his pocket a small, stout, leather-bound volume, and Flambeau, looking over his shoulder, could see that it was some book of old travels, and had a leaf turned down for reference.
He pulled out a small, thick, leather-bound book from his pocket, and Flambeau, looking over his shoulder, could see it was an old travel book with a page marked for reference.
“‘The only form in which Voodoo—‘” began Father Brown, reading aloud.
“‘The only form in which Voodoo—‘” started Father Brown, reading aloud.
“In which what?” inquired his lordship.
“In which what?” asked his lordship.
“‘In which Voodoo,’” repeated the reader, almost with relish, “‘is widely organized outside Jamaica itself is in the form known as the Monkey, or the God of the Gongs, which is powerful in many parts of the two American continents, especially among half-breeds, many of whom look exactly like white men. It differs from most other forms of devil-worship and human sacrifice in the fact that the blood is not shed formally on the altar, but by a sort of assassination among the crowd. The gongs beat with a deafening din as the doors of the shrine open and the monkey-god is revealed; almost the whole congregation rivet ecstatic eyes on him. But after—‘”
“‘In which Voodoo,’” repeated the reader, almost with enjoyment, “‘is widely organized outside Jamaica itself in the form known as the Monkey, or the God of the Gongs, which is powerful in many parts of both American continents, especially among mixed-race individuals, many of whom look exactly like white people. It differs from most other forms of devil-worship and human sacrifice because the blood isn’t shed formally on the altar, but through a sort of assassination among the crowd. The gongs create a deafening noise as the doors of the shrine open and the monkey-god is revealed; almost the entire congregation fixates their ecstatic gaze upon him. But after—‘”
The door of the room was flung open, and the fashionable negro stood framed in it, his eyeballs rolling, his silk hat still insolently tilted on his head. “Huh!” he cried, showing his apish teeth. “What this? Huh! Huh! You steal a coloured gentleman’s prize—prize his already—yo’ think yo’ jes’ save that white ‘Talian trash—”
The door to the room swung open, and the sharply dressed Black man stood in the doorway, his eyes wide and his stylish hat still cocked to the side. “What’s going on here?” he exclaimed, showing off his toothy grin. “You steal a Black man’s prize—his prize, do you think you can just save that white Italian trash—”
“The matter is only deferred,” said the nobleman quietly. “I will be with you to explain in a minute or two.”
“The issue is just postponed,” the nobleman said softly. “I’ll be with you to explain in a minute or two.”
“Who you to—” shouted Nigger Ned, beginning to storm.
“Who are you to—” shouted Nigger Ned, starting to get angry.
“My name is Pooley,” replied the other, with a creditable coolness. “I am the organizing secretary, and I advise you just now to leave the room.”
“My name is Pooley,” replied the other, maintaining a commendable calm. “I’m the organizing secretary, and I suggest you leave the room right now.”
“Who this fellow?” demanded the dark champion, pointing to the priest disdainfully.
“Who’s this guy?” asked the dark champion, pointing at the priest with disdain.
“My name is Brown,” was the reply. “And I advise you just now to leave the country.”
“My name is Brown,” was the reply. “And I suggest you leave the country right now.”
The prize-fighter stood glaring for a few seconds, and then, rather to the surprise of Flambeau and the others, strode out, sending the door to with a crash behind him.
The boxer stood glaring for a few seconds, and then, rather to the surprise of Flambeau and the others, walked out, slamming the door shut behind him.
“Well,” asked Father Brown rubbing his dusty hair up, “what do you think of Leonardo da Vinci? A beautiful Italian head.”
“Well,” asked Father Brown, ruffling his dusty hair, “what do you think of Leonardo da Vinci? A stunning Italian genius.”
“Look here,” said Lord Pooley, “I’ve taken a considerable responsibility, on your bare word. I think you ought to tell me more about this.”
“Listen,” said Lord Pooley, “I’ve taken on a significant responsibility based solely on your word. I think you need to tell me more about this.”
“You are quite right, my lord,” answered Brown. “And it won’t take long to tell.” He put the little leather book in his overcoat pocket. “I think we know all that this can tell us, but you shall look at it to see if I’m right. That negro who has just swaggered out is one of the most dangerous men on earth, for he has the brains of a European, with the instincts of a cannibal. He has turned what was clean, common-sense butchery among his fellow-barbarians into a very modern and scientific secret society of assassins. He doesn’t know I know it, nor, for the matter of that, that I can’t prove it.”
“You're absolutely right, my lord,” Brown replied. “And it won’t take long to explain.” He placed the small leather book in his overcoat pocket. “I believe we know everything this can tell us, but you can check it to see if I’m correct. That guy who just swaggered out is one of the most dangerous people on the planet; he has the intellect of a European but the instincts of a savage. He has transformed what was straightforward, brutal killing among his fellow savages into a very modern and organized secret society of assassins. He has no idea that I know this, or that I can’t prove it.”
There was a silence, and the little man went on.
There was a moment of silence, and the little man continued.
“But if I want to murder somebody, will it really be the best plan to make sure I’m alone with him?”
"But if I want to kill someone, is it really the best idea to make sure I'm alone with him?"
Lord Pooley’s eyes recovered their frosty twinkle as he looked at the little clergyman. He only said: “If you want to murder somebody, I should advise it.”
Lord Pooley's eyes regained their icy sparkle as he looked at the small clergyman. He simply said, "If you're thinking about killing someone, I would recommend it."
Father Brown shook his head, like a murderer of much riper experience. “So Flambeau said,” he replied, with a sigh. “But consider. The more a man feels lonely the less he can be sure he is alone. It must mean empty spaces round him, and they are just what make him obvious. Have you never seen one ploughman from the heights, or one shepherd from the valleys? Have you never walked along a cliff, and seen one man walking along the sands? Didn’t you know when he’s killed a crab, and wouldn’t you have known if it had been a creditor? No! No! No! For an intelligent murderer, such as you or I might be, it is an impossible plan to make sure that nobody is looking at you.”
Father Brown shook his head, like someone with a lot more experience in murder. “So Flambeau said,” he replied with a sigh. “But think about it. The lonelier a person feels, the less certain they can be that they are actually alone. It must mean there are empty spaces around them, and that’s exactly what makes them stand out. Have you ever seen a single farmer from up high, or a lone shepherd from down low? Have you ever walked along a cliff and spotted one person walking on the beach? Didn’t you notice when he caught a crab, and wouldn’t you have known if it had been a creditor? No! No! No! For a clever killer, like someone you and I might be, it’s impossible to guarantee that no one is watching you.”
“But what other plan is there?”
“But what other plan is there?”
“There is only one,” said the priest. “To make sure that everybody is looking at something else. A man is throttled close by the big stand at Epsom. Anybody might have seen it done while the stand stood empty—any tramp under the hedges or motorist among the hills. But nobody would have seen it when the stand was crowded and the whole ring roaring, when the favourite was coming in first—or wasn’t. The twisting of a neck-cloth, the thrusting of a body behind a door could be done in an instant—so long as it was that instant. It was the same, of course,” he continued turning to Flambeau, “with that poor fellow under the bandstand. He was dropped through the hole (it wasn’t an accidental hole) just at some very dramatic moment of the entertainment, when the bow of some great violinist or the voice of some great singer opened or came to its climax. And here, of course, when the knock-out blow came—it would not be the only one. That is the little trick Nigger Ned has adopted from his old God of Gongs.”
“There’s only one,” said the priest. “To ensure that everyone is focused on something else. A man gets choked right by the big stand at Epsom. Anyone could have seen it happen while the stand was empty—any drifter hiding under the hedges or anyone driving through the hills. But no one would have noticed it with the stand full and the crowd roaring, when the favorite was coming in first—or wasn’t. The twisting of a necktie, the pushing of a body behind a door could happen in a flash—as long as it was that instant. It was the same, of course,” he continued, turning to Flambeau, “with that poor guy under the bandstand. He was dropped through the hole (it wasn’t an accidental hole) right at some very dramatic moment of the show, when the bow of a great violinist or the voice of a great singer hit its peak. And here, of course, when the knockout blow came—it wouldn’t be the only one. That’s the little trick Nigger Ned learned from his old God of Gongs.”
“By the way, Malvoli—” Pooley began.
“By the way, Malvoli—” Pooley started.
“Malvoli,” said the priest, “has nothing to do with it. I dare say he has some Italians with him, but our amiable friends are not Italians. They are octoroons and African half-bloods of various shades, but I fear we English think all foreigners are much the same so long as they are dark and dirty. Also,” he added, with a smile, “I fear the English decline to draw any fine distinction between the moral character produced by my religion and that which blooms out of Voodoo.”
“Malvoli,” said the priest, “has nothing to do with it. I’m sure he has some Italians with him, but our friendly associates are not Italians. They are octoroons and people of African descent with different skin tones, but I worry that we English tend to think all foreigners are pretty much the same as long as they are dark and unkempt. Also,” he added with a smile, “I’m afraid the English refuse to see any real difference between the moral character shaped by my religion and that which stems from Voodoo.”
The blaze of the spring season had burst upon Seawood, littering its foreshore with famines and bathing-machines, with nomadic preachers and nigger minstrels, before the two friends saw it again, and long before the storm of pursuit after the strange secret society had died away. Almost on every hand the secret of their purpose perished with them. The man of the hotel was found drifting dead on the sea like so much seaweed; his right eye was closed in peace, but his left eye was wide open, and glistened like glass in the moon. Nigger Ned had been overtaken a mile or two away, and murdered three policemen with his closed left hand. The remaining officer was surprised—nay, pained—and the negro got away. But this was enough to set all the English papers in a flame, and for a month or two the main purpose of the British Empire was to prevent the buck nigger (who was so in both senses) escaping by any English port. Persons of a figure remotely reconcilable with his were subjected to quite extraordinary inquisitions, made to scrub their faces before going on board ship, as if each white complexion were made up like a mask, of greasepaint. Every negro in England was put under special regulations and made to report himself; the outgoing ships would no more have taken a nigger than a basilisk. For people had found out how fearful and vast and silent was the force of the savage secret society, and by the time Flambeau and Father Brown were leaning on the parade parapet in April, the Black Man meant in England almost what he once meant in Scotland.
The vibrancy of spring had arrived in Seawood, cluttering its beach with beach huts and bathing machines, wandering preachers and minstrel performers, before the two friends saw it again, and long before the chase after the mysterious secret society had faded. Almost everywhere, the secret of their intentions died with them. The hotel worker was found floating lifeless on the sea like discarded seaweed; his right eye was closed peacefully, but his left eye was wide open, glistening like glass in the moonlight. Nigger Ned was caught a mile or two away, having killed three police officers with his left hand. The remaining officer was startled—and even distressed—and the man escaped. This was enough to ignite all the English newspapers, and for a month or two, the primary focus of the British Empire was to stop the runaway who defied categorization from escaping through any English port. People who even vaguely resembled him were subjected to intense interrogations, forced to scrub their faces before boarding ships, as if each white complexion was just a mask of makeup. Every Black person in England faced special regulations and had to report themselves; outgoing ships would sooner take a basilisk than a Black man. For people had discovered just how terrifying, vast, and quiet was the power of the savage secret society, and by the time Flambeau and Father Brown were leaning on the parade railing in April, the term "Black Man" in England meant almost what it had once meant in Scotland.
“He must be still in England,” observed Flambeau, “and horridly well hidden, too. They must have found him at the ports if he had only whitened his face.”
“He must still be in England,” Flambeau said, “and really well hidden, too. They would have found him at the ports if he had just lightened his face.”
“You see, he is really a clever man,” said Father Brown apologetically. “And I’m sure he wouldn’t whiten his face.”
“You see, he's actually a smart guy,” Father Brown said with an apologetic tone. “And I’m sure he wouldn’t paint his face white.”
“Well, but what would he do?”
"Well, what would he do?"
“I think,” said Father Brown, “he would blacken his face.”
“I think,” said Father Brown, “he would paint his face black.”
Flambeau, leaning motionless on the parapet, laughed and said: “My dear fellow!”
Flambeau, leaning still against the railing, laughed and said, “My dear friend!”
Father Brown, also leaning motionless on the parapet, moved one finger for an instant into the direction of the soot-masked niggers singing on the sands.
Father Brown, also standing still on the parapet, moved one finger for a moment in the direction of the soot-covered people singing on the sands.
TEN — The Salad of Colonel Cray
FATHER BROWN was walking home from Mass on a white weird morning when the mists were slowly lifting—one of those mornings when the very element of light appears as something mysterious and new. The scattered trees outlined themselves more and more out of the vapour, as if they were first drawn in grey chalk and then in charcoal. At yet more distant intervals appeared the houses upon the broken fringe of the suburb; their outlines became clearer and clearer until he recognized many in which he had chance acquaintances, and many more the names of whose owners he knew. But all the windows and doors were sealed; none of the people were of the sort that would be up at such a time, or still less on such an errand. But as he passed under the shadow of one handsome villa with verandas and wide ornate gardens, he heard a noise that made him almost involuntarily stop. It was the unmistakable noise of a pistol or carbine or some light firearm discharged; but it was not this that puzzled him most. The first full noise was immediately followed by a series of fainter noises—as he counted them, about six. He supposed it must be the echo; but the odd thing was that the echo was not in the least like the original sound. It was not like anything else that he could think of; the three things nearest to it seemed to be the noise made by siphons of soda-water, one of the many noises made by an animal, and the noise made by a person attempting to conceal laughter. None of which seemed to make much sense.
FATHER BROWN was walking home from Mass on a strange, white morning as the mist was slowly clearing—one of those mornings when light feels mysterious and fresh. The scattered trees started to emerge from the fog, almost as if they were first sketched in grey chalk and then in charcoal. In the distance, the houses on the edge of the suburb became clearer and clearer until he recognized several where he had casual acquaintances and many more by the names of their owners. But all the windows and doors were shut; no one was the type to be up at such an early hour, let alone for a purpose like his. As he passed under the shadow of a beautiful villa with verandas and expansive, ornate gardens, he heard a noise that almost made him stop instinctively. It was the unmistakable sound of a gunshot, whether from a pistol, a carbine, or some light firearm. But what puzzled him more was that the initial loud sound was quickly followed by a series of softer sounds—about six, as he counted. He assumed it must be an echo; however, the strange thing was that the echo didn’t resemble the original sound at all. It was unlike anything he could think of; the closest comparisons seemed to be the noise made by soda-water siphons, a sound an animal might make, and the sound of someone trying to stifle laughter—none of which really made much sense.
Father Brown was made of two men. There was a man of action, who was as modest as a primrose and as punctual as a clock; who went his small round of duties and never dreamed of altering it. There was also a man of reflection, who was much simpler but much stronger, who could not easily be stopped; whose thought was always (in the only intelligent sense of the words) free thought. He could not help, even unconsciously, asking himself all the questions that there were to be asked, and answering as many of them as he could; all that went on like his breathing or circulation. But he never consciously carried his actions outside the sphere of his own duty; and in this case the two attitudes were aptly tested. He was just about to resume his trudge in the twilight, telling himself it was no affair of his, but instinctively twisting and untwisting twenty theories about what the odd noises might mean. Then the grey sky-line brightened into silver, and in the broadening light he realized that he had been to the house which belonged to an Anglo-Indian Major named Putnam; and that the Major had a native cook from Malta who was of his communion. He also began to remember that pistol-shots are sometimes serious things; accompanied with consequences with which he was legitimately concerned. He turned back and went in at the garden gate, making for the front door.
Father Brown was a combination of two people. There was a man of action, who was as modest as a primrose and as punctual as a clock; he went about his small set of duties and never thought about changing it. There was also a man of reflection, who was much simpler but much stronger, who could not be easily stopped; his thinking was always (in the only intelligent sense of the words) free thought. He couldn’t help, even without realizing it, asking himself all the questions that needed to be asked and answering as many as he could; all of this happened just like his breathing or blood circulation. But he never intentionally took his actions outside the realm of his own duty; in this case, the two attitudes were put to the test. He was just about to continue his walk in the twilight, telling himself it was none of his business, yet instinctively twisting and untwisting various theories about what the strange noises could mean. Then the grey skyline brightened into silver, and in the growing light, he noticed that he had been to the house belonging to an Anglo-Indian Major named Putnam; and that the Major had a native cook from Malta who shared his faith. He also started to remember that pistol shots can sometimes be serious; accompanied by consequences he was legitimately concerned about. He turned back and entered through the garden gate, headed for the front door.
Half-way down one side of the house stood out a projection like a very low shed; it was, as he afterwards discovered, a large dustbin. Round the corner of this came a figure, at first a mere shadow in the haze, apparently bending and peering about. Then, coming nearer, it solidified into a figure that was, indeed, rather unusually solid. Major Putnam was a bald-headed, bull-necked man, short and very broad, with one of those rather apoplectic faces that are produced by a prolonged attempt to combine the oriental climate with the occidental luxuries. But the face was a good-humoured one, and even now, though evidently puzzled and inquisitive, wore a kind of innocent grin. He had a large palm-leaf hat on the back of his head (suggesting a halo that was by no means appropriate to the face), but otherwise he was clad only in a very vivid suit of striped scarlet and yellow pyjamas; which, though glowing enough to behold, must have been, on a fresh morning, pretty chilly to wear. He had evidently come out of his house in a hurry, and the priest was not surprised when he called out without further ceremony: “Did you hear that noise?”
Halfway down one side of the house was a bump that looked like a very low shed; it turned out, as he later discovered, to be a big dustbin. Around the corner of this came a figure, initially just a shadow in the haze, seemingly bending and searching around. As it got closer, it took shape into a figure that was, indeed, quite solid. Major Putnam was a bald, broad-shouldered man, short and very stocky, with one of those rather flushed faces that you get from trying to mix the tropical heat with Western comforts for too long. But the face was friendly, and even now, though clearly confused and curious, it wore a kind of naive grin. He was sporting a large palm-leaf hat perched at the back of his head (which made it look like a halo that didn’t really fit the face), but otherwise, he was dressed in a striking suit of striped red and yellow pajamas; which, although bright enough to catch your eye, must have been pretty chilly to wear on a fresh morning. He obviously rushed out of his house, and the priest wasn’t surprised when he called out without any preamble: “Did you hear that noise?”
“Yes,” answered Father Brown; “I thought I had better look in, in case anything was the matter.”
“Yeah,” replied Father Brown. “I figured I should check in, just in case something was wrong.”
The Major looked at him rather queerly with his good-humoured gooseberry eyes. “What do you think the noise was?” he asked.
The Major looked at him somewhat oddly with his cheerful, greenish eyes. “What do you think the noise was?” he asked.
“It sounded like a gun or something,” replied the other, with some hesitation; “but it seemed to have a singular sort of echo.”
“It sounded like a gun or something,” the other replied, hesitating a bit; “but it had a unique kind of echo.”
The Major was still looking at him quietly, but with protruding eyes, when the front door was flung open, releasing a flood of gaslight on the face of the fading mist; and another figure in pyjamas sprang or tumbled out into the garden. The figure was much longer, leaner, and more athletic; the pyjamas, though equally tropical, were comparatively tasteful, being of white with a light lemon-yellow stripe. The man was haggard, but handsome, more sunburned than the other; he had an aquiline profile and rather deep-sunken eyes, and a slight air of oddity arising from the combination of coal-black hair with a much lighter moustache. All this Father Brown absorbed in detail more at leisure. For the moment he only saw one thing about the man; which was the revolver in his hand.
The Major was still staring at him quietly, but with bulging eyes, when the front door swung open, casting a bright light on the face of the fading mist; and another figure in pajamas jumped, or stumbled, out into the garden. The figure was much taller, leaner, and more athletic; the pajamas, though just as tropical, were far more stylish, being white with a light lemon-yellow stripe. The man looked worn out but handsome, more sunburned than the other; he had a sharp profile and somewhat sunken eyes, with a peculiar air that came from the contrast of coal-black hair and a much lighter mustache. Father Brown took all this in with more attention later. For now, the only thing he noticed about the man was the revolver in his hand.
“Cray!” exclaimed the Major, staring at him; “did you fire that shot?”
“Cray!” the Major exclaimed, staring at him. “Did you fire that shot?”
“Yes, I did,” retorted the black-haired gentleman hotly; “and so would you in my place. If you were chased everywhere by devils and nearly—”
“Yes, I did,” shot back the black-haired guy angrily; “and so would you if you were in my situation. If you were chased everywhere by devils and nearly—”
The Major seemed to intervene rather hurriedly. “This is my friend Father Brown,” he said. And then to Brown: “I don’t know whether you’ve met Colonel Cray of the Royal Artillery.”
The Major seemed to jump in pretty quickly. “This is my friend Father Brown,” he said. Then, turning to Brown, he added, “I’m not sure if you’ve met Colonel Cray from the Royal Artillery.”
“I have heard of him, of course,” said the priest innocently. “Did you—did you hit anything?”
“I’ve heard of him, of course,” the priest said innocently. “Did you—did you hit anything?”
“I thought so,” answered Cray with gravity.
“I thought so,” Cray replied seriously.
“Did he—” asked Major Putnam in a lowered voice, “did he fall or cry out, or anything?”
“Did he—” asked Major Putnam in a quiet voice, “did he fall or shout, or anything?”
Colonel Cray was regarding his host with a strange and steady stare. “I’ll tell you exactly what he did,” he said. “He sneezed.”
Colonel Cray was looking at his host with a weird and intense gaze. “I’ll tell you exactly what he did,” he said. “He sneezed.”
Father Brown’s hand went half-way to his head, with the gesture of a man remembering somebody’s name. He knew now what it was that was neither soda-water nor the snorting of a dog.
Father Brown's hand moved halfway to his head, like someone trying to recall a name. He realized now what it was that was neither soda water nor the snorting of a dog.
“Well,” ejaculated the staring Major, “I never heard before that a service revolver was a thing to be sneezed at.”
“Well,” exclaimed the surprised Major, “I’ve never heard before that a service revolver was something to be taken lightly.”
“Nor I,” said Father Brown faintly. “It’s lucky you didn’t turn your artillery on him or you might have given him quite a bad cold.” Then, after a bewildered pause, he said: “Was it a burglar?”
“Me neither,” said Father Brown softly. “It’s a good thing you didn’t fire your weapons at him, or you could have given him a nasty cold.” Then, after a confused pause, he asked, “Was it a burglar?”
“Let us go inside,” said Major Putnam, rather sharply, and led the way into his house.
“Let’s go inside,” said Major Putnam, a bit sharply, and he led the way into his house.
The interior exhibited a paradox often to be marked in such morning hours: that the rooms seemed brighter than the sky outside; even after the Major had turned out the one gaslight in the front hall. Father Brown was surprised to see the whole dining-table set out as for a festive meal, with napkins in their rings, and wine-glasses of some six unnecessary shapes set beside every plate. It was common enough, at that time of the morning, to find the remains of a banquet over-night; but to find it freshly spread so early was unusual.
The inside displayed a contradiction often noticed during early morning hours: the rooms felt brighter than the sky outside, even after the Major had turned off the gaslight in the front hall. Father Brown was surprised to see the entire dining table laid out for a celebration, with napkins in their rings and an assortment of wine glasses beside each plate. It was typical at that time of morning to find leftovers from a late-night feast, but seeing everything freshly arranged so early was unusual.
While he stood wavering in the hall Major Putnam rushed past him and sent a raging eye over the whole oblong of the tablecloth. At last he spoke, spluttering: “All the silver gone!” he gasped. “Fish-knives and forks gone. Old cruet-stand gone. Even the old silver cream-jug gone. And now, Father Brown, I am ready to answer your question of whether it was a burglar.”
While he stood hesitating in the hall, Major Putnam rushed past him and shot a furious glance over the entire length of the tablecloth. Finally, he spoke, stuttering: “All the silver is gone!” he gasped. “Fish knives and forks are gone. The old cruet stand is gone. Even the old silver cream jug is gone. And now, Father Brown, I’m ready to answer your question about whether it was a burglar.”
“They’re simply a blind,” said Cray stubbornly. “I know better than you why people persecute this house; I know better than you why—”
“They're just a cover,” Cray said stubbornly. “I understand better than you why people target this place; I know better than you why—”
The Major patted him on the shoulder with a gesture almost peculiar to the soothing of a sick child, and said: “It was a burglar. Obviously it was a burglar.”
The Major patted him on the shoulder in a way that was almost like comforting a sick child and said, “It was a burglar. It was clearly a burglar.”
“A burglar with a bad cold,” observed Father Brown, “that might assist you to trace him in the neighbourhood.”
“A burglar with a bad cold,” Father Brown noted, “that could help you track him down in the area.”
The Major shook his head in a sombre manner. “He must be far beyond trace now, I fear,” he said.
The Major shook his head sadly. “I’m afraid he’s probably way beyond reach now,” he said.
Then, as the restless man with the revolver turned again towards the door in the garden, he added in a husky, confidential voice: “I doubt whether I should send for the police, for fear my friend here has been a little too free with his bullets, and got on the wrong side of the law. He’s lived in very wild places; and, to be frank with you, I think he sometimes fancies things.”
Then, as the uneasy man with the gun turned back to the door in the garden, he said in a low, secretive voice: “I’m not sure I should call the police, because I worry my friend here has been a bit too reckless with his shots and might have run afoul of the law. He’s been in some pretty wild places, and honestly, I think he sometimes sees things that aren’t there.”
“I think you once told me,” said Brown, “that he believes some Indian secret society is pursuing him.”
“I think you once told me,” Brown said, “that he believes some secret society in India is after him.”
Major Putnam nodded, but at the same time shrugged his shoulders. “I suppose we’d better follow him outside,” he said. “I don’t want any more—shall we say, sneezing?”
Major Putnam nodded but shrugged his shoulders at the same time. “I guess we’d better follow him outside,” he said. “I don’t want any more—let’s say, sneezing?”
They passed out into the morning light, which was now even tinged with sunshine, and saw Colonel Cray’s tall figure bent almost double, minutely examining the condition of gravel and grass. While the Major strolled unobtrusively towards him, the priest took an equally indolent turn, which took him round the next corner of the house to within a yard or two of the projecting dustbin.
They stepped out into the morning light, now warmed by the sun, and saw Colonel Cray’s tall figure bent almost in half, closely inspecting the state of the gravel and grass. While the Major casually walked toward him, the priest took a similarly relaxed stroll, leading him around the next corner of the house to just a yard or two from the protruding dustbin.
He stood regarding this dismal object for some minute and a half—, then he stepped towards it, lifted the lid and put his head inside. Dust and other discolouring matter shook upwards as he did so; but Father Brown never observed his own appearance, whatever else he observed. He remained thus for a measurable period, as if engaged in some mysterious prayers. Then he came out again, with some ashes on his hair, and walked unconcernedly away.
He stood looking at the gloomy object for about a minute and a half— then he stepped closer, lifted the lid, and put his head inside. Dust and other discolored particles floated up as he did that; but Father Brown never noticed his own appearance, no matter what else he saw. He stayed like that for a while, as if he were deep in some kind of mysterious prayer. Then he came back out, with some ashes in his hair, and walked away casually.
By the time he came round to the garden door again he found a group there which seemed to roll away morbidities as the sunlight had already rolled away the mists. It was in no way rationally reassuring; it was simply broadly comic, like a cluster of Dickens’s characters. Major Putnam had managed to slip inside and plunge into a proper shirt and trousers, with a crimson cummerbund, and a light square jacket over all; thus normally set off, his red festive face seemed bursting with a commonplace cordiality. He was indeed emphatic, but then he was talking to his cook—the swarthy son of Malta, whose lean, yellow and rather careworn face contrasted quaintly with his snow-white cap and costume. The cook might well be careworn, for cookery was the Major’s hobby. He was one of those amateurs who always know more than the professional. The only other person he even admitted to be a judge of an omelette was his friend Cray—and as Brown remembered this, he turned to look for the other officer. In the new presence of daylight and people clothed and in their right mind, the sight of him was rather a shock. The taller and more elegant man was still in his night-garb, with tousled black hair, and now crawling about the garden on his hands and knees, still looking for traces of the burglar; and now and again, to all appearance, striking the ground with his hand in anger at not finding him. Seeing him thus quadrupedal in the grass, the priest raised his eyebrows rather sadly; and for the first time guessed that “fancies things” might be an euphemism.
By the time he came back to the garden door, he found a group there that seemed to shake off gloom like the sunlight had already chased away the fog. It was not exactly reassuring in a rational way; it was just broadly amusing, like a bunch of Dickens’s characters. Major Putnam had somehow slipped inside and put on a proper shirt and trousers, with a red cummerbund and a light jacket over it all; with this setup, his festive red face looked like it was bursting with typical friendliness. He was indeed forceful, but then he was talking to his cook—the dark-skinned son of Malta, whose lean, yellowed and somewhat tired face contrasted interestingly with his bright white cap and outfit. The cook might be tired, since cooking was the Major’s hobby. He was one of those amateurs who always think they know better than the professionals. The only other person he considered a judge of an omelette was his friend Cray—and as Brown recalled this, he turned to look for the other officer. In the fresh light of day and with people dressed and thinking clearly, the sight of him was a bit shocking. The taller, more elegant man was still in his pajamas, with messy black hair, now crawling around the garden on his hands and knees, still searching for signs of the burglar; and every now and then, it seemed like he was hitting the ground in frustration for not finding him. Seeing him crawling in the grass, the priest raised his eyebrows in mild sadness; and for the first time, he guessed that “fancies things” might be a euphemism.
The third item in the group of the cook and the epicure was also known to Father Brown; it was Audrey Watson, the Major’s ward and housekeeper; and at this moment, to judge by her apron, tucked-up sleeves and resolute manner, much more the housekeeper than the ward.
The third person in the group of the cook and the epicure was also familiar to Father Brown; she was Audrey Watson, the Major’s ward and housekeeper. At that moment, judging by her apron, rolled-up sleeves, and determined attitude, she seemed much more like the housekeeper than the ward.
“It serves you right,” she was saying: “I always told you not to have that old-fashioned cruet-stand.”
“It serves you right,” she was saying. “I always told you not to use that outdated cruet set.”
“I prefer it,” said Putnam, placably. “I’m old-fashioned myself; and the things keep together.”
"I like it," Putnam said calmly. "I'm a bit old-fashioned myself, and it all holds together."
“And vanish together, as you see,” she retorted. “Well, if you are not going to bother about the burglar, I shouldn’t bother about the lunch. It’s Sunday, and we can’t send for vinegar and all that in the town; and you Indian gentlemen can’t enjoy what you call a dinner without a lot of hot things. I wish to goodness now you hadn’t asked Cousin Oliver to take me to the musical service. It isn’t over till half-past twelve, and the Colonel has to leave by then. I don’t believe you men can manage alone.”
“And disappear together, just like that,” she shot back. “Well, if you’re not going to worry about the burglar, then I won't stress about lunch. It’s Sunday, and we can’t get vinegar and stuff sent over from town; and you Indian gentlemen can’t really enjoy what you call dinner without a bunch of spicy dishes. I seriously wish you hadn’t asked Cousin Oliver to take me to the musical service. It doesn’t end until half-past twelve, and the Colonel has to leave by then. I really don’t think you guys can handle it on your own.”
“Oh yes, we can, my dear,” said the Major, looking at her very amiably. “Marco has all the sauces, and we’ve often done ourselves well in very rough places, as you might know by now. And it’s time you had a treat, Audrey; you mustn’t be a housekeeper every hour of the day; and I know you want to hear the music.”
“Oh yes, we can, my dear,” said the Major, looking at her quite kindly. “Marco has all the sauces, and we’ve often enjoyed ourselves in some pretty rough spots, as you probably know by now. And it’s time you had a treat, Audrey; you can’t be a housekeeper all day long; and I know you want to hear the music.”
“I want to go to church,” she said, with rather severe eyes.
“I want to go to church,” she said, with somewhat intense eyes.
She was one of those handsome women who will always be handsome, because the beauty is not in an air or a tint, but in the very structure of the head and features. But though she was not yet middle-aged and her auburn hair was of a Titianesque fullness in form and colour, there was a look in her mouth and around her eyes which suggested that some sorrows wasted her, as winds waste at last the edges of a Greek temple. For indeed the little domestic difficulty of which she was now speaking so decisively was rather comic than tragic. Father Brown gathered, from the course of the conversation, that Cray, the other gourmet, had to leave before the usual lunch-time; but that Putnam, his host, not to be done out of a final feast with an old crony, had arranged for a special dejeuner to be set out and consumed in the course of the morning, while Audrey and other graver persons were at morning service. She was going there under the escort of a relative and old friend of hers, Dr Oliver Oman, who, though a scientific man of a somewhat bitter type, was enthusiastic for music, and would go even to church to get it. There was nothing in all this that could conceivably concern the tragedy in Miss Watson’s face; and by a half conscious instinct, Father Brown turned again to the seeming lunatic grubbing about in the grass.
She was one of those attractive women who will always have a certain beauty because it's not just in the way she carries herself or in her coloring, but in the actual shape of her face and features. Even though she wasn't yet middle-aged and her auburn hair had a rich, Titian-like fullness in style and color, there was something in her mouth and around her eyes that hinted at past sorrows that had worn her down, like winds eventually eroding the edges of a Greek temple. In fact, the little domestic issue she was discussing so firmly was more funny than tragic. Father Brown picked up, from the flow of the conversation, that Cray, the other foodie, had to leave before the usual lunch hour; however, Putnam, his host, didn’t want to miss out on one last meal with an old friend, so he had arranged for a special brunch to be prepared and eaten in the morning while Audrey and other more serious guests were at church. She was going there with her relative and old friend, Dr. Oliver Oman, who, even though he was a rather cynical scientist, had a passion for music and would attend church just to hear it. There was nothing in all of this that could possibly explain the sorrow in Miss Watson's expression; and by a half-conscious instinct, Father Brown turned again to the seeming madman rummaging in the grass.
When he strolled across to him, the black, unbrushed head was lifted abruptly, as if in some surprise at his continued presence. And indeed, Father Brown, for reasons best known to himself, had lingered much longer than politeness required; or even, in the ordinary sense, permitted.
When he walked over to him, the messy black hair lifted suddenly, as if surprised by his ongoing presence. And in fact, Father Brown, for reasons only he understood, had stayed much longer than polite conversation required; or even, in a normal sense, allowed.
“Well!” cried Cray, with wild eyes. “I suppose you think I’m mad, like the rest?”
“Well!” shouted Cray, with frantic eyes. “I guess you think I’m crazy, just like everyone else?”
“I have considered the thesis,” answered the little man, composedly. “And I incline to think you are not.”
“I’ve thought about the idea,” the little man replied calmly. “And I tend to think you’re not.”
“What do you mean?” snapped Cray quite savagely.
“What do you mean?” Cray shot back sharply.
“Real madmen,” explained Father Brown, “always encourage their own morbidity. They never strive against it. But you are trying to find traces of the burglar; even when there aren’t any. You are struggling against it. You want what no madman ever wants.”
“Real crazy people,” Father Brown explained, “always embrace their own darkness. They never fight against it. But you’re trying to find signs of the burglar, even when there aren’t any. You’re fighting against it. You want what no crazy person ever wants.”
“And what is that?”
"What is that?"
“You want to be proved wrong,” said Brown.
“You want to be proven wrong,” said Brown.
During the last words Cray had sprung or staggered to his feet and was regarding the cleric with agitated eyes. “By hell, but that is a true word!” he cried. “They are all at me here that the fellow was only after the silver—as if I shouldn’t be only too pleased to think so! She’s been at me,” and he tossed his tousled black head towards Audrey, but the other had no need of the direction, “she’s been at me today about how cruel I was to shoot a poor harmless house-breaker, and how I have the devil in me against poor harmless natives. But I was a good-natured man once—as good-natured as Putnam.”
During his last words, Cray had jumped up or stumbled to his feet and was looking at the cleric with restless eyes. “By hell, that’s the truth!” he shouted. “Everyone here keeps saying the guy was only after the money—as if I wouldn’t be glad to believe that! She’s been on my case,” and he tossed his messy black hair toward Audrey, but the other didn’t need a pointer, “she’s been going on today about how cruel I was to shoot a poor harmless burglar, and how I’ve got the devil in me against poor harmless locals. But I used to be a nice guy—just as nice as Putnam.”
After a pause he said: “Look here, I’ve never seen you before; but you shall judge of the whole story. Old Putnam and I were friends in the same mess; but, owing to some accidents on the Afghan border, I got my command much sooner than most men; only we were both invalided home for a bit. I was engaged to Audrey out there; and we all travelled back together. But on the journey back things happened. Curious things. The result of them was that Putnam wants it broken off, and even Audrey keeps it hanging on—and I know what they mean. I know what they think I am. So do you.
After a pause, he said, "Listen, I’ve never met you before, but you can judge the whole story. Old Putnam and I were buddies in the same unit, but due to some incidents on the Afghan border, I got my command a lot sooner than most guys; still, we both ended up being sent home for a while. I was engaged to Audrey while we were out there, and we all traveled back together. But on the way back, things happened. Strange things. As a result, Putnam wants the engagement called off, and even Audrey keeps it hanging by a thread—and I know what they mean. I know what they think of me. So do you."
“Well, these are the facts. The last day we were in an Indian city I asked Putnam if I could get some Trichinopoli cigars, he directed me to a little place opposite his lodgings. I have since found he was quite right; but ‘opposite’ is a dangerous word when one decent house stands opposite five or six squalid ones; and I must have mistaken the door. It opened with difficulty, and then only on darkness; but as I turned back, the door behind me sank back and settled into its place with a noise as of innumerable bolts. There was nothing to do but to walk forward; which I did through passage after passage, pitch-dark. Then I came to a flight of steps, and then to a blind door, secured by a latch of elaborate Eastern ironwork, which I could only trace by touch, but which I loosened at last. I came out again upon gloom, which was half turned into a greenish twilight by a multitude of small but steady lamps below. They showed merely the feet or fringes of some huge and empty architecture. Just in front of me was something that looked like a mountain. I confess I nearly fell on the great stone platform on which I had emerged, to realize that it was an idol. And worst of all, an idol with its back to me.
“Well, these are the facts. On our last day in an Indian city, I asked Putnam if I could get some Trichinopoli cigars, and he directed me to a little shop across from his place. I later found he was quite right; but ‘across’ is a risky word when one decent building stands facing five or six run-down ones; I must have picked the wrong door. It opened with difficulty, revealing only darkness; but as I turned back, the door behind me closed with a sound like a thousand bolts. There was nothing to do but move forward, which I did through passage after passage in complete darkness. Then I came to a staircase, and next to a blind door, secured by a latch of ornate Eastern ironwork, which I could only feel, but eventually managed to loosen. I emerged again into gloom, partly lit by a multitude of small but steady lamps below. They only revealed the feet or edges of some vast and empty structure. Right in front of me was something that looked like a mountain. I must admit, I almost stumbled onto the large stone platform I had stepped onto, realizing it was an idol. And worst of all, an idol facing away from me.”
“It was hardly half human, I guessed; to judge by the small squat head, and still more by a thing like a tail or extra limb turned up behind and pointing, like a loathsome large finger, at some symbol graven in the centre of the vast stone back. I had begun, in the dim light, to guess at the hieroglyphic, not without horror, when a more horrible thing happened. A door opened silently in the temple wall behind me and a man came out, with a brown face and a black coat. He had a carved smile on his face, of copper flesh and ivory teeth; but I think the most hateful thing about him was that he was in European dress. I was prepared, I think, for shrouded priests or naked fakirs. But this seemed to say that the devilry was over all the earth. As indeed I found it to be.
“It was barely half human, I figured; judging by the small, squat head, and even more by a thing that looked like a tail or an extra limb turned up behind and pointing, like a disgusting large finger, at some symbol carved in the center of the vast stone back. I had started, in the dim light, to make sense of the hieroglyphic, not without fear, when something even more chilling happened. A door opened quietly in the temple wall behind me and a man stepped out, with a brown face and a black coat. He had a carved smile on his face, with copper skin and ivory teeth; but I think the most repulsive thing about him was that he was dressed in European clothes. I was expecting, I suppose, for shrouded priests or naked fakirs. But this seemed to indicate that evil had spread all over the earth. As I indeed discovered it had.”
“‘If you had only seen the Monkey’s Feet,’ he said, smiling steadily, and without other preface, ‘we should have been very gentle—you would only be tortured and die. If you had seen the Monkey’s Face, still we should be very moderate, very tolerant—you would only be tortured and live. But as you have seen the Monkey’s Tail, we must pronounce the worst sentence, which is—Go Free.’
“‘If you had just seen the Monkey’s Feet,’ he said, smiling calmly, and without any other introduction, ‘we would have been very gentle—you would only be tortured and die. If you had seen the Monkey’s Face, we would still be very moderate, very tolerant—you would only be tortured and live. But since you’ve seen the Monkey’s Tail, we have to give the harshest sentence, which is—Go Free.’”
“When he said the words I heard the elaborate iron latch with which I had struggled, automatically unlock itself: and then, far down the dark passages I had passed, I heard the heavy street-door shifting its own bolts backwards.
“When he said those words, I heard the intricate iron latch I had been struggling with automatically unlock itself: and then, far down the dark passages I had passed through, I heard the heavy street door sliding its bolts back on its own.”
“‘It is vain to ask for mercy; you must go free,’ said the smiling man. ‘Henceforth a hair shall slay you like a sword, and a breath shall bite you like an adder; weapons shall come against you out of nowhere; and you shall die many times.’ And with that he was swallowed once more in the wall behind; and I went out into the street.”
“‘It's pointless to ask for mercy; you have to go free,’ said the smiling man. ‘From now on, a single hair will kill you like a sword, and a breath will sting you like a snake; weapons will strike you from nowhere; and you will die many times.’ And with that, he was swallowed back into the wall behind; and I stepped out into the street.”
Cray paused; and Father Brown unaffectedly sat down on the lawn and began to pick daisies.
Cray paused, and Father Brown calmly sat down on the grass and started picking daisies.
Then the soldier continued: “Putnam, of course, with his jolly common sense, pooh-poohed all my fears; and from that time dates his doubt of my mental balance. Well, I’ll simply tell you, in the fewest words, the three things that have happened since; and you shall judge which of us is right.
Then the soldier went on: “Putnam, with his down-to-earth logic, dismissed all my worries; and that's when he started to doubt my sanity. Well, I'll just tell you, in the fewest words, the three things that have happened since; and you can decide who's right.
“The first happened in an Indian village on the edge of the jungle, but hundreds of miles from the temple, or town, or type of tribes and customs where the curse had been put on me. I woke in black midnight, and lay thinking of nothing in particular, when I felt a faint tickling thing, like a thread or a hair, trailed across my throat. I shrank back out of its way, and could not help thinking of the words in the temple. But when I got up and sought lights and a mirror, the line across my neck was a line of blood.
“The first incident took place in an Indian village near the jungle, but hundreds of miles away from the temple, town, or the tribes and customs that had cursed me. I woke up in the dead of night and lay there thinking about nothing in particular when I felt a faint tickling sensation, like a thread or a hair, brushing against my throat. I instinctively recoiled from it and couldn't help but recall the words from the temple. But when I got up to find some light and a mirror, I discovered a line of blood across my neck.”
“The second happened in a lodging in Port Said, later, on our journey home together. It was a jumble of tavern and curiosity-shop; and though there was nothing there remotely suggesting the cult of the Monkey, it is, of course, possible that some of its images or talismans were in such a place. Its curse was there, anyhow. I woke again in the dark with a sensation that could not be put in colder or more literal words than that a breath bit like an adder. Existence was an agony of extinction; I dashed my head against walls until I dashed it against a window; and fell rather than jumped into the garden below. Putnam, poor fellow, who had called the other thing a chance scratch, was bound to take seriously the fact of finding me half insensible on the grass at dawn. But I fear it was my mental state he took seriously; and not my story.
“The second incident took place in a inn in Port Said, later on our trip home together. It was a mix of a bar and a curiosity shop; and even though there was nothing there that hinted at the cult of the Monkey, it’s possible that some of its images or charms might have been around. Its curse was definitely present. I woke again in the dark with a feeling that can only be described as a breath biting like a snake. Existence was a torment of fading away; I slammed my head against walls until I hit a window; and I fell rather than jumped into the garden below. Putnam, poor guy, who had dismissed the earlier incident as just a scratch, had to take seriously the sight of me half-conscious on the grass at dawn. But I worry it was my mental state he took seriously, not my story."
“The third happened in Malta. We were in a fortress there; and as it happened our bedrooms overlooked the open sea, which almost came up to our window-sills, save for a flat white outer wall as bare as the sea. I woke up again; but it was not dark. There was a full moon, as I walked to the window; I could have seen a bird on the bare battlement, or a sail on the horizon. What I did see was a sort of stick or branch circling, self-supported, in the empty sky. It flew straight in at my window and smashed the lamp beside the pillow I had just quitted. It was one of those queer-shaped war-clubs some Eastern tribes use. But it had come from no human hand.”
“The third one happened in Malta. We were in a fortress there, and our bedrooms had a view of the open sea, which almost touched our window sills, except for a flat, white outer wall as bare as the water. I woke up again, but it wasn’t dark. There was a full moon, and as I walked to the window, I could have seen a bird on the bare battlement or a sail on the horizon. What I actually saw was a sort of stick or branch circling, floating in the empty sky. It flew straight in through my window and smashed the lamp next to the pillow I had just left. It was one of those oddly shaped war clubs that some Eastern tribes use. But it hadn’t come from any human hand.”
Father Brown threw away a daisy-chain he was making, and rose with a wistful look. “Has Major Putnam,” he asked, “got any Eastern curios, idols, weapons and so on, from which one might get a hint?”
Father Brown tossed aside the daisy-chain he was making and stood up with a thoughtful expression. “Does Major Putnam have any Eastern curiosities, idols, weapons, and so on, from which we might get a clue?”
“Plenty of those, though not much use, I fear,” replied Cray; “but by all means come into his study.”
“Lots of those, though I’m afraid they won’t be very useful,” replied Cray; “but definitely come into his study.”
As they entered they passed Miss Watson buttoning her gloves for church, and heard the voice of Putnam downstairs still giving a lecture on cookery to the cook. In the Major’s study and den of curios they came suddenly on a third party, silk-hatted and dressed for the street, who was poring over an open book on the smoking-table—a book which he dropped rather guiltily, and turned.
As they walked in, they saw Miss Watson putting on her gloves for church and could hear Putnam downstairs still lecturing the cook about cooking. In the Major’s study, a room filled with curiosities, they unexpectedly stumbled upon a third person, wearing a silk hat and dressed for the street, who was intensely focused on an open book on the smoking table—a book he dropped in a somewhat guilty manner before turning away.
Cray introduced him civilly enough, as Dr Oman, but he showed such disfavour in his very face that Brown guessed the two men, whether Audrey knew it or not, were rivals. Nor was the priest wholly unsympathetic with the prejudice. Dr Oman was a very well-dressed gentleman indeed; well-featured, though almost dark enough for an Asiatic. But Father Brown had to tell himself sharply that one should be in charity even with those who wax their pointed beards, who have small gloved hands, and who speak with perfectly modulated voices.
Cray introduced him politely enough as Dr. Oman, but the look on his face revealed such disapproval that Brown guessed the two men, whether Audrey was aware of it or not, were rivals. The priest didn’t completely disagree with the bias. Dr. Oman was definitely a well-dressed man; he had refined features, though he was nearly dark enough to be considered Asian. But Father Brown had to remind himself firmly that one should be charitable even toward those who style their pointed beards, have dainty gloved hands, and speak with perfectly smooth voices.
Cray seemed to find something specially irritating in the small prayer-book in Oman’s dark-gloved hand. “I didn’t know that was in your line,” he said rather rudely.
Cray seemed to find something particularly annoying about the small prayer book in Oman’s dark-gloved hand. “I didn’t know that was your thing,” he said quite rudely.
Oman laughed mildly, but without offence. “This is more so, I know,” he said, laying his hand on the big book he had dropped, “a dictionary of drugs and such things. But it’s rather too large to take to church.” Then he closed the larger book, and there seemed again the faintest touch of hurry and embarrassment.
Oman chuckled lightly, but without any insult. “I get that this is more of a joke,” he said, placing his hand on the hefty book he had let fall, “a dictionary of drugs and similar stuff. But it’s too big to bring to church.” He then shut the larger book, and there was once again a hint of urgency and awkwardness.
“I suppose,” said the priest, who seemed anxious to change the subject, “all these spears and things are from India?”
“I guess,” said the priest, who looked eager to shift the conversation, “these spears and stuff are from India?”
“From everywhere,” answered the doctor. “Putnam is an old soldier, and has been in Mexico and Australia, and the Cannibal Islands for all I know.”
“From everywhere,” replied the doctor. “Putnam is an old soldier and has been in Mexico, Australia, and the Cannibal Islands, as far as I know.”
“I hope it was not in the Cannibal Islands,” said Brown, “that he learnt the art of cookery.” And he ran his eyes over the stew-pots or other strange utensils on the wall.
“I hope it wasn't in the Cannibal Islands,” Brown said, “that he learned how to cook.” He scanned the stew pots and other unusual utensils hanging on the wall.
At this moment the jolly subject of their conversation thrust his laughing, lobsterish face into the room. “Come along, Cray,” he cried. “Your lunch is just coming in. And the bells are ringing for those who want to go to church.”
At that moment, the cheerful topic of their conversation poked his laughing, reddish face into the room. “Come on, Cray,” he called out. “Your lunch is about to be served. And the bells are ringing for anyone who wants to go to church.”
Cray slipped upstairs to change; Dr Oman and Miss Watson betook themselves solemnly down the street, with a string of other churchgoers; but Father Brown noticed that the doctor twice looked back and scrutinized the house; and even came back to the corner of the street to look at it again.
Cray went upstairs to change; Dr. Oman and Miss Watson walked down the street seriously, joined by a number of other churchgoers; however, Father Brown noticed that the doctor turned back twice to check the house and even returned to the corner of the street to look at it again.
The priest looked puzzled. “He can’t have been at the dustbin,” he muttered. “Not in those clothes. Or was he there earlier today?”
The priest looked confused. “He couldn’t have been at the trash can,” he muttered. “Not in those clothes. Or was he there earlier today?”
Father Brown, touching other people, was as sensitive as a barometer; but today he seemed about as sensitive as a rhinoceros. By no social law, rigid or implied, could he be supposed to linger round the lunch of the Anglo-Indian friends; but he lingered, covering his position with torrents of amusing but quite needless conversation. He was the more puzzling because he did not seem to want any lunch. As one after another of the most exquisitely balanced kedgerees of curries, accompanied with their appropriate vintages, were laid before the other two, he only repeated that it was one of his fast-days, and munched a piece of bread and sipped and then left untasted a tumbler of cold water. His talk, however, was exuberant.
Father Brown, when it came to interacting with others, was usually as sensitive as a barometer; but today he felt about as sensitive as a rhinoceros. There was no social rule, whether strict or implied, that suggested he should hang around the lunch of his Anglo-Indian friends; yet he stayed, filling the silence with streams of entertaining but completely unnecessary chatter. It was even more confusing because he didn’t seem to be interested in eating. As the beautifully balanced kedgerees and curries, along with their perfect drinks, were served to the other two, he simply kept saying it was one of his fasting days, nibbling on a piece of bread and sipping water, which he then left untouched. Still, his conversation was lively.
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you,” he cried—, “I’ll mix you a salad! I can’t eat it, but I’ll mix it like an angel! You’ve got a lettuce there.”
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you,” he shouted, “I’ll make you a salad! I can’t eat it, but I’ll mix it like a pro! You’ve got some lettuce there.”
“Unfortunately it’s the only thing we have got,” answered the good-humoured Major. “You must remember that mustard, vinegar, oil and so on vanished with the cruet and the burglar.”
“Unfortunately, that’s the only thing we have,” replied the good-humored Major. “You have to remember that mustard, vinegar, oil, and so on disappeared with the condiments and the burglar.”
“I know,” replied Brown, rather vaguely. “That’s what I’ve always been afraid would happen. That’s why I always carry a cruet-stand about with me. I’m so fond of salads.”
“I know,” replied Brown, somewhat uncertainly. “That’s what I’ve always been worried would happen. That’s why I always carry a cruet stand with me. I really love salads.”
And to the amazement of the two men he took a pepper-pot out of his waistcoat pocket and put it on the table.
And to the amazement of the two men, he pulled a pepper shaker out of his waistcoat pocket and placed it on the table.
“I wonder why the burglar wanted mustard, too,” he went on, taking a mustard-pot from another pocket. “A mustard plaster, I suppose. And vinegar”—and producing that condiment—“haven’t I heard something about vinegar and brown paper? As for oil, which I think I put in my left—”
“I wonder why the burglar wanted mustard, too,” he continued, pulling a mustard pot from another pocket. “A mustard plaster, I guess. And vinegar”—and pulling out that condiment—“haven’t I heard something about vinegar and brown paper? As for oil, which I think I put in my left—”
His garrulity was an instant arrested; for lifting his eyes, he saw what no one else saw—the black figure of Dr Oman standing on the sunlit lawn and looking steadily into the room. Before he could quite recover himself Cray had cloven in.
His chatter was cut short; as he looked up, he saw what no one else did—the dark figure of Dr. Oman standing on the sunlit lawn, staring directly into the room. Before he could fully regain his composure, Cray burst in.
“You’re an astounding card,” he said, staring. “I shall come and hear your sermons, if they’re as amusing as your manners.” His voice changed a little, and he leaned back in his chair.
“You're an amazing person,” he said, staring. “I’ll come and listen to your sermons if they’re as entertaining as your manners.” His tone shifted slightly, and he leaned back in his chair.
“Oh, there are sermons in a cruet-stand, too,” said Father Brown, quite gravely. “Have you heard of faith like a grain of mustard-seed; or charity that anoints with oil? And as for vinegar, can any soldiers forget that solitary soldier, who, when the sun was darkened—”
“Oh, there are messages in a cruet stand, too,” said Father Brown, quite seriously. “Have you heard of faith like a mustard seed, or charity that anoints with oil? And as for vinegar, can any soldiers forget that lone soldier who, when the sun was darkened—”
Colonel Cray leaned forward a little and clutched the tablecloth.
Colonel Cray leaned forward slightly and gripped the tablecloth.
Father Brown, who was making the salad, tipped two spoonfuls of the mustard into the tumbler of water beside him; stood up and said in a new, loud and sudden voice—“Drink that!”
Father Brown, who was preparing the salad, poured two spoonfuls of mustard into the glass of water next to him, stood up, and said in a new, loud, and sudden voice—“Drink that!”
At the same moment the motionless doctor in the garden came running, and bursting open a window cried: “Am I wanted? Has he been poisoned?”
At the same moment, the still doctor in the garden came running and burst open a window, shouting, “Do you need me? Has he been poisoned?”
“Pretty near,” said Brown, with the shadow of a smile; for the emetic had very suddenly taken effect. And Cray lay in a deck-chair, gasping as for life, but alive.
“Pretty close,” said Brown, with a hint of a smile; the emetic had suddenly kicked in. Cray was sprawled in a deck chair, gasping for breath, but still alive.
Major Putnam had sprung up, his purple face mottled. “A crime!” he cried hoarsely. “I will go for the police!”
Major Putnam jumped up, his face flushed. “A crime!” he shouted hoarsely. “I’m calling the police!”
The priest could hear him dragging down his palm-leaf hat from the peg and tumbling out of the front door; he heard the garden gate slam. But he only stood looking at Cray; and after a silence said quietly:
The priest could hear him pulling his palm-leaf hat off the peg and stumbling out of the front door; he heard the garden gate slam. But he just kept looking at Cray, and after a pause, he said quietly:
“I shall not talk to you much; but I will tell you what you want to know. There is no curse on you. The Temple of the Monkey was either a coincidence or a part of the trick; the trick was the trick of a white man. There is only one weapon that will bring blood with that mere feathery touch: a razor held by a white man. There is one way of making a common room full of invisible, overpowering poison: turning on the gas—the crime of a white man. And there is only one kind of club that can be thrown out of a window, turn in mid-air and come back to the window next to it: the Australian boomerang. You’ll see some of them in the Major’s study.”
“I won’t talk to you for long, but I’ll tell you what you need to know. There’s no curse on you. The Temple of the Monkey was either just a coincidence or part of a trick; the trick was done by a white man. There’s only one weapon that can draw blood with just a light touch: a razor held by a white man. There’s only one way to fill a regular room with invisible, overpowering poison: turning on the gas—the crime of a white man. And there’s only one type of club that can be thrown out of a window, spin in mid-air, and come back to the window next to it: the Australian boomerang. You’ll see some of them in the Major’s study.”
With that he went outside and spoke for a moment to the doctor. The moment after, Audrey Watson came rushing into the house and fell on her knees beside Cray’s chair. He could not hear what they said to each other; but their faces moved with amazement, not unhappiness. The doctor and the priest walked slowly towards the garden gate.
With that, he went outside and talked for a moment to the doctor. Right after that, Audrey Watson rushed into the house and dropped to her knees next to Cray’s chair. He couldn’t hear what they were saying to each other, but their faces showed surprise, not sadness. The doctor and the priest walked slowly toward the garden gate.
“I suppose the Major was in love with her, too,” he said with a sigh; and when the other nodded, observed: “You were very generous, doctor. You did a fine thing. But what made you suspect?”
“I guess the Major was in love with her, too,” he said with a sigh; and when the other nodded, he added: “You were very generous, doctor. You did a good thing. But what made you think that?”
“A very small thing,” said Oman; “but it kept me restless in church till I came back to see that all was well. That book on his table was a work on poisons; and was put down open at the place where it stated that a certain Indian poison, though deadly and difficult to trace, was particularly easily reversible by the use of the commonest emetics. I suppose he read that at the last moment—”
“A really small thing,” said Oman; “but it kept me anxious in church until I returned to make sure everything was okay. That book on his table was about poisons, and it was left open to the part that mentioned a certain Indian poison, which, although deadly and hard to detect, could be easily neutralized with regular emetics. I guess he read that right before it happened—”
“And remembered that there were emetics in the cruet-stand,” said Father Brown. “Exactly. He threw the cruet in the dustbin—where I found it, along with other silver—for the sake of a burglary blind. But if you look at that pepper-pot I put on the table, you’ll see a small hole. That’s where Cray’s bullet struck, shaking up the pepper and making the criminal sneeze.”
“And I remembered there were emetics in the condiment stand,” said Father Brown. “Exactly. He tossed the condiment container in the trash can—where I discovered it, along with some other silver items—as a decoy for the burglary. But if you check out that pepper shaker I placed on the table, you’ll notice a small hole. That’s where Cray’s bullet hit, causing the pepper to fly and making the culprit sneeze.”
There was a silence. Then Dr Oman said grimly: “The Major is a long time looking for the police.”
There was silence. Then Dr. Oman said seriously, “The Major is taking a long time to find the police.”
“Or the police in looking for the Major?” said the priest. “Well, good-bye.”
“Or the police searching for the Major?” said the priest. “Well, see you later.”
ELEVEN — The Strange Crime of John Boulnois
MR CALHOUN KIDD was a very young gentleman with a very old face, a face dried up with its own eagerness, framed in blue-black hair and a black butterfly tie. He was the emissary in England of the colossal American daily called the Western Sun—also humorously described as the “Rising Sunset”. This was in allusion to a great journalistic declaration (attributed to Mr Kidd himself) that “he guessed the sun would rise in the west yet, if American citizens did a bit more hustling.” Those, however, who mock American journalism from the standpoint of somewhat mellower traditions forget a certain paradox which partly redeems it. For while the journalism of the States permits a pantomimic vulgarity long past anything English, it also shows a real excitement about the most earnest mental problems, of which English papers are innocent, or rather incapable. The Sun was full of the most solemn matters treated in the most farcical way. William James figured there as well as “Weary Willie,” and pragmatists alternated with pugilists in the long procession of its portraits.
MR. CALHOUN KIDD was a very young man with a very old face, a face shriveled up from its own eagerness, framed by blue-black hair and a black butterfly tie. He was the representative in England for the huge American daily called the Western Sun—also humorously referred to as the “Rising Sunset.” This was a nod to a bold journalistic statement (attributed to Mr. Kidd himself) that “he figured the sun would rise in the west yet, if American citizens put in a bit more effort.” Those who mock American journalism from the perspective of more established traditions often overlook a certain paradox that gives it some merit. While journalism in the States allows for a flamboyant crudeness far beyond anything seen in England, it also displays a genuine enthusiasm for serious intellectual issues, which English papers tend to be clueless about, or rather unable to address. The Sun was filled with the most serious topics presented in the most ridiculous manner. William James appeared there alongside “Weary Willie,” and pragmatists alternated with boxers in the long lineup of its portraits.
Thus, when a very unobtrusive Oxford man named John Boulnois wrote in a very unreadable review called the Natural Philosophy Quarterly a series of articles on alleged weak points in Darwinian evolution, it fluttered no corner of the English papers; though Boulnois’s theory (which was that of a comparatively stationary universe visited occasionally by convulsions of change) had some rather faddy fashionableness at Oxford, and got so far as to be named “Catastrophism”. But many American papers seized on the challenge as a great event; and the Sun threw the shadow of Mr Boulnois quite gigantically across its pages. By the paradox already noted, articles of valuable intelligence and enthusiasm were presented with headlines apparently written by an illiterate maniac, headlines such as “Darwin Chews Dirt; Critic Boulnois says He Jumps the Shocks”—or “Keep Catastrophic, says Thinker Boulnois.” And Mr Calhoun Kidd, of the Western Sun, was bidden to take his butterfly tie and lugubrious visage down to the little house outside Oxford where Thinker Boulnois lived in happy ignorance of such a title.
So, when a very unassuming man from Oxford named John Boulnois published a series of articles about supposed weaknesses in Darwinian evolution in a pretty obscure journal called the Natural Philosophy Quarterly, it barely made a ripple in the English newspapers. Even though Boulnois’s theory—suggesting a mostly unchanged universe occasionally rocked by dramatic events—had some trendy popularity at Oxford, earning the label “Catastrophism.” However, many American publications picked up on the challenge as a big story, with the Sun casting Mr. Boulnois’s shadow huge across its pages. Ironically, serious and enthusiastic articles were accompanied by headlines that looked like they were written by a crazed illiterate, like “Darwin Chews Dirt; Critic Boulnois says He Jumps the Shocks” or “Keep Catastrophic, says Thinker Boulnois.” And Mr. Calhoun Kidd, from the Western Sun, was told to put on his butterfly tie and gloomy face and head over to the little house outside Oxford where Thinker Boulnois lived blissfully unaware of such a title.
That fated philosopher had consented, in a somewhat dazed manner, to receive the interviewer, and had named the hour of nine that evening. The last of a summer sunset clung about Cumnor and the low wooded hills; the romantic Yankee was both doubtful of his road and inquisitive about his surroundings; and seeing the door of a genuine feudal old-country inn, The Champion Arms, standing open, he went in to make inquiries.
That destined philosopher had agreed, a bit bewildered, to meet the interviewer and had set the time for nine that evening. The last light of a summer sunset lingered over Cumnor and the low wooded hills; the adventurous American was unsure of his path and curious about his surroundings. Spotting the door of a real old-world inn, The Champion Arms, wide open, he stepped inside to ask for directions.
In the bar parlour he rang the bell, and had to wait some little time for a reply to it. The only other person present was a lean man with close red hair and loose, horsey-looking clothes, who was drinking very bad whisky, but smoking a very good cigar. The whisky, of course, was the choice brand of The Champion Arms; the cigar he had probably brought with him from London. Nothing could be more different than his cynical negligence from the dapper dryness of the young American; but something in his pencil and open notebook, and perhaps in the expression of his alert blue eye, caused Kidd to guess, correctly, that he was a brother journalist.
In the bar lounge, he rang the bell and had to wait a bit for someone to respond. The only other person there was a thin man with closely cropped red hair and loose, horsey-looking clothes, drinking really bad whiskey but smoking a really good cigar. The whiskey, of course, was the top brand from The Champion Arms; the cigar was probably something he had brought with him from London. His cynical indifference was completely different from the polished demeanor of the young American, but something about his pencil and open notebook, and maybe the look in his sharp blue eyes, made Kidd correctly guess that he was a fellow journalist.
“Could you do me the favour,” asked Kidd, with the courtesy of his nation, “of directing me to the Grey Cottage, where Mr Boulnois lives, as I understand?”
“Could you do me a favor,” asked Kidd, with the politeness typical of his country, “and point me to the Grey Cottage, where Mr. Boulnois lives, if I’m not mistaken?”
“It’s a few yards down the road,” said the red-haired man, removing his cigar; “I shall be passing it myself in a minute, but I’m going on to Pendragon Park to try and see the fun.”
“It’s just a few yards down the road,” said the red-haired man, taking out his cigar; “I’ll be passing it myself in a minute, but I’m heading over to Pendragon Park to check out the fun.”
“What is Pendragon Park?” asked Calhoun Kidd.
“What’s Pendragon Park?” Calhoun Kidd asked.
“Sir Claude Champion’s place—haven’t you come down for that, too?” asked the other pressman, looking up. “You’re a journalist, aren’t you?”
“Hey, are you here for Sir Claude Champion’s place too?” the other reporter asked, glancing up. “You’re a journalist, right?”
“I have come to see Mr Boulnois,” said Kidd.
“I’m here to see Mr. Boulnois,” said Kidd.
“I’ve come to see Mrs Boulnois,” replied the other. “But I shan’t catch her at home.” And he laughed rather unpleasantly.
“I’ve come to see Mrs. Boulnois,” the other replied. “But I doubt I’ll catch her at home.” He laughed in a rather unpleasant way.
“Are you interested in Catastrophism?” asked the wondering Yankee.
“Are you interested in Catastrophism?” asked the curious Yankee.
“I’m interested in catastrophes; and there are going to be some,” replied his companion gloomily. “Mine’s a filthy trade, and I never pretend it isn’t.”
“I’m into disasters; and there are going to be some,” his companion replied gloomily. “My work is dirty, and I never pretend it isn’t.”
With that he spat on the floor; yet somehow in the very act and instant one could realize that the man had been brought up as a gentleman.
With that, he spat on the floor; yet somehow in that very act and moment, you could tell that the man had been raised as a gentleman.
The American pressman considered him with more attention. His face was pale and dissipated, with the promise of formidable passions yet to be loosed; but it was a clever and sensitive face; his clothes were coarse and careless, but he had a good seal ring on one of his long, thin fingers. His name, which came out in the course of talk, was James Dalroy; he was the son of a bankrupt Irish landlord, and attached to a pink paper which he heartily despised, called Smart Society, in the capacity of reporter and of something painfully like a spy.
The American journalist looked at him with more interest. His face was pale and worn, hinting at intense emotions waiting to be unleashed; yet it was an intelligent and sensitive face. His clothes were rough and untidy, but he wore a nice seal ring on one of his long, thin fingers. His name, which came up during the conversation, was James Dalroy; he was the son of a bankrupt Irish landlord and worked for a tabloid he deeply despised, called Smart Society, as both a reporter and something that felt uncomfortably like a spy.
Smart Society, I regret to say, felt none of that interest in Boulnois on Darwin which was such a credit to the head and hearts of the Western Sun. Dalroy had come down, it seemed, to snuff up the scent of a scandal which might very well end in the Divorce Court, but which was at present hovering between Grey Cottage and Pendragon Park.
Smart Society, I’m sorry to say, didn’t share any of the excitement about Boulnois on Darwin that showcased the intelligence and passion of the Western Sun. It seemed Dalroy had come down to look for hints of a scandal that could possibly end up in the Divorce Court, but right now it was hanging in the air between Grey Cottage and Pendragon Park.
Sir Claude Champion was known to the readers of the Western Sun as well as Mr Boulnois. So were the Pope and the Derby Winner; but the idea of their intimate acquaintanceship would have struck Kidd as equally incongruous. He had heard of (and written about, nay, falsely pretended to know) Sir Claude Champion, as “one of the brightest and wealthiest of England’s Upper Ten”; as the great sportsman who raced yachts round the world; as the great traveller who wrote books about the Himalayas, as the politician who swept constituencies with a startling sort of Tory Democracy, and as the great dabbler in art, music, literature, and, above all, acting. Sir Claude was really rather magnificent in other than American eyes. There was something of the Renascence Prince about his omnivorous culture and restless publicity—, he was not only a great amateur, but an ardent one. There was in him none of that antiquarian frivolity that we convey by the word “dilettante”.
Sir Claude Champion was well-known to the readers of the Western Sun, just like Mr. Boulnois. So were the Pope and the Derby Winner; but the thought of them being close friends would have seemed equally bizarre to Kidd. He had heard of (and written about, even pretended to know) Sir Claude Champion, referring to him as “one of the brightest and wealthiest of England’s Upper Ten”; the great sportsman who raced yachts around the world; the great traveler who wrote books about the Himalayas; the politician who dominated constituencies with a surprising brand of Tory Democracy; and the great enthusiast for art, music, literature, and, above all, acting. Sir Claude was actually quite impressive in ways other than American perspectives. He had a kind of Renaissance Prince vibe with his insatiable curiosity and constant publicity—he wasn’t just a great amateur; he was a passionate one. There was none of that outdated frivolity that we associate with the term “dilettante.”
That faultless falcon profile with purple-black Italian eye, which had been snap-shotted so often both for Smart Society and the Western Sun, gave everyone the impression of a man eaten by ambition as by a fire, or even a disease. But though Kidd knew a great deal about Sir Claude—a great deal more, in fact, than there was to know—it would never have crossed his wildest dreams to connect so showy an aristocrat with the newly-unearthed founder of Catastrophism, or to guess that Sir Claude Champion and John Boulnois could be intimate friends. Such, according to Dalroy’s account, was nevertheless the fact. The two had hunted in couples at school and college, and, though their social destinies had been very different (for Champion was a great landlord and almost a millionaire, while Boulnois was a poor scholar and, until just lately, an unknown one), they still kept in very close touch with each other. Indeed, Boulnois’s cottage stood just outside the gates of Pendragon Park.
That flawless falcon profile with deep purple-black Italian eyes, which had been photographed countless times for both Smart Society and the Western Sun, gave everyone the impression of a man consumed by ambition, as if by fire or disease. But even though Kidd knew a lot about Sir Claude—actually more than there was to know—it would never have crossed his wildest dreams to link such a flashy aristocrat to the newly-discovered founder of Catastrophism, or to guess that Sir Claude Champion and John Boulnois could be close friends. However, according to Dalroy’s account, that was indeed the case. The two had hunted together in school and college, and despite their very different social paths (Champion was a major landowner and nearly a millionaire, while Boulnois was a struggling scholar and, until recently, an unknown one), they still maintained very close contact. In fact, Boulnois’s cottage was just outside the gates of Pendragon Park.
But whether the two men could be friends much longer was becoming a dark and ugly question. A year or two before, Boulnois had married a beautiful and not unsuccessful actress, to whom he was devoted in his own shy and ponderous style; and the proximity of the household to Champion’s had given that flighty celebrity opportunities for behaving in a way that could not but cause painful and rather base excitement. Sir Claude had carried the arts of publicity to perfection; and he seemed to take a crazy pleasure in being equally ostentatious in an intrigue that could do him no sort of honour. Footmen from Pendragon were perpetually leaving bouquets for Mrs Boulnois; carriages and motor-cars were perpetually calling at the cottage for Mrs Boulnois; balls and masquerades perpetually filled the grounds in which the baronet paraded Mrs Boulnois, like the Queen of Love and Beauty at a tournament. That very evening, marked by Mr Kidd for the exposition of Catastrophism, had been marked by Sir Claude Champion for an open-air rendering of Romeo and Juliet, in which he was to play Romeo to a Juliet it was needless to name.
But whether the two men could stay friends much longer was becoming a troubling question. A year or two earlier, Boulnois had married a beautiful and somewhat successful actress, to whom he was devoted in his own shy and heavy-handed way; and the close proximity of their homes to Champion’s had given that attention-seeking celebrity chances to act in ways that could only lead to painful and rather nasty excitement. Sir Claude had perfected the art of publicity; he seemed to take a wild pleasure in being just as showy in an affair that could bring him no honor. Footmen from Pendragon were constantly dropping off flowers for Mrs. Boulnois; carriages and cars were always stopping at the cottage to pick her up; balls and masquerades frequently filled the grounds where the baronet showcased Mrs. Boulnois, like the Queen of Love and Beauty at a tournament. That very evening, which Mr. Kidd had earmarked for the demonstration of Catastrophism, had been scheduled by Sir Claude Champion for an outdoor performance of Romeo and Juliet, where he was set to play Romeo opposite a Juliet that didn’t need naming.
“I don’t think it can go on without a smash,” said the young man with red hair, getting up and shaking himself. “Old Boulnois may be squared—or he may be square. But if he’s square he’s thick—what you might call cubic. But I don’t believe it’s possible.”
“I don’t think it can continue without a big hit,” said the young man with red hair, getting up and shaking himself off. “Old Boulnois might be in line—or he might be out of the loop. But if he’s out of the loop, he’s clueless—what you could call completely off. But I don’t believe that’s possible.”
“He is a man of grand intellectual powers,” said Calhoun Kidd in a deep voice.
“He’s a guy with impressive intellectual abilities,” said Calhoun Kidd in a deep voice.
“Yes,” answered Dalroy; “but even a man of grand intellectual powers can’t be such a blighted fool as all that. Must you be going on? I shall be following myself in a minute or two.”
“Yes,” replied Dalroy, “but even someone with great intelligence can’t be that much of a fool. Do you really have to leave? I’ll be following right after you in a minute or two.”
But Calhoun Kidd, having finished a milk and soda, betook himself smartly up the road towards the Grey Cottage, leaving his cynical informant to his whisky and tobacco. The last of the daylight had faded; the skies were of a dark, green-grey, like slate, studded here and there with a star, but lighter on the left side of the sky, with the promise of a rising moon.
But Calhoun Kidd, having finished a milkshake and soda, briskly headed up the road towards the Grey Cottage, leaving his cynical informant to his whiskey and cigarettes. The last of the daylight had faded; the skies were a dark, green-grey, like slate, dotted here and there with stars, but lighter on the left side of the sky, hinting at a rising moon.
The Grey Cottage, which stood entrenched, as it were, in a square of stiff, high thorn-hedges, was so close under the pines and palisades of the Park that Kidd at first mistook it for the Park Lodge. Finding the name on the narrow wooden gate, however, and seeing by his watch that the hour of the “Thinker’s” appointment had just struck, he went in and knocked at the front door. Inside the garden hedge, he could see that the house, though unpretentious enough, was larger and more luxurious than it looked at first, and was quite a different kind of place from a porter’s lodge. A dog-kennel and a beehive stood outside, like symbols of old English country-life; the moon was rising behind a plantation of prosperous pear trees, the dog that came out of the kennel was reverend-looking and reluctant to bark; and the plain, elderly man-servant who opened the door was brief but dignified.
The Grey Cottage, which was pretty much surrounded by a square of tall, stiff thorn hedges, was so close to the pines and fences of the Park that Kidd initially thought it was the Park Lodge. However, after noticing the name on the narrow wooden gate and checking his watch to see that it was exactly the hour for the “Thinker’s” appointment, he went in and knocked on the front door. Inside the garden hedge, he could see that the house, while unassuming, was actually larger and more luxurious than it first appeared, and it was quite different from a porter’s lodge. A dog kennel and a beehive were outside, like reminders of traditional English country life; the moon was rising behind a row of thriving pear trees, the dog that came out of the kennel looked dignified and was hesitant to bark; and the plain, older man-servant who opened the door was brief yet dignified.
“Mr Boulnois asked me to offer his apologies, sir,” he said, “but he has been obliged to go out suddenly.”
“Mr. Boulnois asked me to apologize on his behalf, sir,” he said, “but he had to leave unexpectedly.”
“But see here, I had an appointment,” said the interviewer, with a rising voice. “Do you know where he went to?”
“But look, I had an appointment,” said the interviewer, raising his voice. “Do you know where he went?”
“To Pendragon Park, sir,” said the servant, rather sombrely, and began to close the door.
“To Pendragon Park, sir,” said the servant, sounding quite serious, and started to close the door.
Kidd started a little.
Kidd flinched a little.
“Did he go with Mrs—with the rest of the party?” he asked rather vaguely.
“Did he go with Mrs.—with the rest of the group?” he asked somewhat vaguely.
“No, sir,” said the man shortly; “he stayed behind, and then went out alone.” And he shut the door, brutally, but with an air of duty not done.
“No, sir,” the man replied curtly; “he stayed behind and then went out on his own.” He slammed the door, harshly, but with a feeling of unfinished business.
The American, that curious compound of impudence and sensitiveness, was annoyed. He felt a strong desire to hustle them all along a bit and teach them business habits; the hoary old dog and the grizzled, heavy-faced old butler with his prehistoric shirt-front, and the drowsy old moon, and above all the scatter-brained old philosopher who couldn’t keep an appointment.
The American, a strange mix of boldness and sensitivity, was frustrated. He had a strong urge to push them all to be more efficient and show them how to handle business; the ancient dog, the grumpy old butler with his outdated shirt-front, the sleepy old moon, and especially the forgetful old philosopher who couldn’t stick to an appointment.
“If that’s the way he goes on he deserves to lose his wife’s purest devotion,” said Mr Calhoun Kidd. “But perhaps he’s gone over to make a row. In that case I reckon a man from the Western Sun will be on the spot.”
“If he keeps acting like that, he deserves to lose his wife’s loyalty,” said Mr. Calhoun Kidd. “But maybe he’s gone over to stir things up. If that's the case, I bet someone from the Western Sun will be right there.”
And turning the corner by the open lodge-gates, he set off, stumping up the long avenue of black pine-woods that pointed in abrupt perspective towards the inner gardens of Pendragon Park. The trees were as black and orderly as plumes upon a hearse; there were still a few stars. He was a man with more literary than direct natural associations; the word “Ravenswood” came into his head repeatedly. It was partly the raven colour of the pine-woods; but partly also an indescribable atmosphere almost described in Scott’s great tragedy; the smell of something that died in the eighteenth century; the smell of dank gardens and broken urns, of wrongs that will never now be righted; of something that is none the less incurably sad because it is strangely unreal.
As he turned the corner by the open lodge gates, he started walking up the long path lined with black pine trees leading towards the inner gardens of Pendragon Park. The trees stood dark and neatly arranged like feathers on a hearse; a few stars still twinkled above. He was a man more inclined towards literature than direct experiences with nature; the term “Ravenswood” kept popping into his mind. This was partly due to the raven-like color of the pine woods, but also because of an indescribable feeling reminiscent of something captured in Scott’s great tragedy—the scent of something that had faded away in the eighteenth century; the smell of damp gardens and cracked urns, of wrongs that can never be righted; something that is deeply sad, yet oddly unreal.
More than once, as he went up that strange, black road of tragic artifice, he stopped, startled, thinking he heard steps in front of him. He could see nothing in front but the twin sombre walls of pine and the wedge of starlit sky above them. At first he thought he must have fancied it or been mocked by a mere echo of his own tramp. But as he went on he was more and more inclined to conclude, with the remains of his reason, that there really were other feet upon the road. He thought hazily of ghosts; and was surprised how swiftly he could see the image of an appropriate and local ghost, one with a face as white as Pierrot’s, but patched with black. The apex of the triangle of dark-blue sky was growing brighter and bluer, but he did not realize as yet that this was because he was coming nearer to the lights of the great house and garden. He only felt that the atmosphere was growing more intense, there was in the sadness more violence and secrecy—more—he hesitated for the word, and then said it with a jerk of laughter—Catastrophism.
More than once, as he walked up that strange, dark road of tragic artifice, he stopped, startled, thinking he heard footsteps ahead of him. All he could see in front were the two gloomy walls of pine and the sliver of starlit sky above them. At first, he thought he must have imagined it or been tricked by the echo of his own steps. But as he continued on, he became more convinced, despite the remnants of his sanity, that there were indeed other feet on the road. He hazily thought of ghosts and was surprised at how quickly he could picture a fitting local ghost, one with a face as pale as Pierrot’s, but marked with black. The peak of the dark blue sky was getting brighter and bluer, but he didn’t realize it was because he was getting closer to the lights of the big house and garden. He only sensed that the atmosphere was growing more intense, that the sadness had taken on more violence and secrecy—more—he hesitated for the word, then blurted it out with a sudden laugh—Catastrophism.
More pines, more pathway slid past him, and then he stood rooted as by a blast of magic. It is vain to say that he felt as if he had got into a dream; but this time he felt quite certain that he had got into a book. For we human beings are used to inappropriate things; we are accustomed to the clatter of the incongruous; it is a tune to which we can go to sleep. If one appropriate thing happens, it wakes us up like the pang of a perfect chord. Something happened such as would have happened in such a place in a forgotten tale.
More pines and more paths slid past him, and then he stood there as if enchanted. It’s pointless to say he felt like he had stepped into a dream; this time he was absolutely sure he had fallen into a book. Because we humans are used to things being out of place; we’re familiar with the noise of the absurd; it’s a melody we can easily doze off to. If something fitting happens, it jolts us awake like the shock of a perfect chord. Something occurred that felt like it belonged in a long-forgotten story.
Over the black pine-wood came flying and flashing in the moon a naked sword—such a slender and sparkling rapier as may have fought many an unjust duel in that ancient park. It fell on the pathway far in front of him and lay there glistening like a large needle. He ran like a hare and bent to look at it. Seen at close quarters it had rather a showy look: the big red jewels in the hilt and guard were a little dubious. But there were other red drops upon the blade which were not dubious.
Over the black pine wood, a naked sword flew and glimmered in the moonlight—such a slim and sparkling rapier that might have fought many an unfair duel in that old park. It landed on the path ahead of him and lay there shining like a large needle. He ran like a hare and leaned down to look at it. Up close, it had a rather flashy appearance: the big red jewels in the hilt and guard seemed a bit questionable. But there were other red drops on the blade that were definitely not questionable.
He looked round wildly in the direction from which the dazzling missile had come, and saw that at this point the sable facade of fir and pine was interrupted by a smaller road at right angles; which, when he turned it, brought him in full view of the long, lighted house, with a lake and fountains in front of it. Nevertheless, he did not look at this, having something more interesting to look at.
He looked around frantically in the direction the bright missile had come from and saw that the dark facade of fir and pine was broken by a smaller road that crossed at a right angle. When he turned onto this road, it brought him into full view of the long, illuminated house, with a lake and fountains in front of it. However, he didn't focus on that, as he had something more intriguing to look at.
Above him, at the angle of the steep green bank of the terraced garden, was one of those small picturesque surprises common in the old landscape gardening; a kind of small round hill or dome of grass, like a giant mole-hill, ringed and crowned with three concentric fences of roses, and having a sundial in the highest point in the centre. Kidd could see the finger of the dial stand up dark against the sky like the dorsal fin of a shark and the vain moonlight clinging to that idle clock. But he saw something else clinging to it also, for one wild moment—the figure of a man.
Above him, at the angle of the steep green bank of the terraced garden, was one of those small scenic surprises typical of old landscape gardening; a small round hill or dome of grass, like a giant molehill, surrounded and topped with three concentric fences of roses, and featuring a sundial at its highest point in the center. Kidd could see the finger of the dial standing up dark against the sky like a shark’s dorsal fin, with the moonlight clinging to that idle clock. But for one wild moment, he saw something else clinging to it as well—the figure of a man.
Though he saw it there only for a moment, though it was outlandish and incredible in costume, being clad from neck to heel in tight crimson, with glints of gold, yet he knew in one flash of moonlight who it was. That white face flung up to heaven, clean-shaven and so unnaturally young, like Byron with a Roman nose, those black curls already grizzled—he had seen the thousand public portraits of Sir Claude Champion. The wild red figure reeled an instant against the sundial; the next it had rolled down the steep bank and lay at the American’s feet, faintly moving one arm. A gaudy, unnatural gold ornament on the arm suddenly reminded Kidd of Romeo and Juliet; of course the tight crimson suit was part of the play. But there was a long red stain down the bank from which the man had rolled—that was no part of the play. He had been run through the body.
Though he only saw it for a moment, and it looked bizarre and unbelievable in its outfit, dressed head to toe in tight crimson with flashes of gold, he immediately recognized who it was in the moonlight. That white face tilted up to the sky, clean-shaven and unnaturally young, like Byron with a Roman nose, those black curls already starting to gray—he had seen countless public portraits of Sir Claude Champion. The wild red figure staggered briefly against the sundial; the next moment, it had tumbled down the steep bank and lay at the American's feet, faintly moving one arm. A flashy, unnatural gold ornament on the arm suddenly reminded Kidd of Romeo and Juliet; of course, the tight crimson suit was part of the performance. But there was a long red stain down the bank from where the man had rolled—that was not part of the show. He had been stabbed.
Mr Calhoun Kidd shouted and shouted again. Once more he seemed to hear phantasmal footsteps, and started to find another figure already near him. He knew the figure, and yet it terrified him. The dissipated youth who had called himself Dalroy had a horribly quiet way with him; if Boulnois failed to keep appointments that had been made, Dalroy had a sinister air of keeping appointments that hadn’t. The moonlight discoloured everything, against Dalroy’s red hair his wan face looked not so much white as pale green.
Mr. Calhoun Kidd shouted and shouted again. Once more, he seemed to hear phantom footsteps and turned to find another figure already near him. He recognized the figure, yet it filled him with dread. The disheveled young man who called himself Dalroy had an eerily calm demeanor; while Boulnois didn’t show up for scheduled meetings, Dalroy had a creepy way of fulfilling ones that hadn’t been planned. The moonlight cast everything in a strange hue, and against Dalroy’s red hair, his pale face looked more like a sickly green than white.
All this morbid impressionism must be Kidd’s excuse for having cried out, brutally and beyond all reason: “Did you do this, you devil?”
All this dark impressionism must be Kidd’s excuse for having shouted, brutally and irrationally: “Did you do this, you devil?”
James Dalroy smiled his unpleasing smile; but before he could speak, the fallen figure made another movement of the arm, waving vaguely towards the place where the sword fell; then came a moan, and then it managed to speak.
James Dalroy smiled his unpleasant smile; but before he could say anything, the fallen figure moved its arm again, waving vaguely towards where the sword had dropped; then came a moan, and finally, it managed to speak.
“Boulnois.... Boulnois, I say.... Boulnois did it... jealous of me...he was jealous, he was, he was...”
“Boulnois.... Boulnois, I'm telling you.... Boulnois did it... jealous of me...he was jealous, he really was...”
Kidd bent his head down to hear more, and just managed to catch the words:
Kidd leaned down to listen more closely and barely caught the words:
“Boulnois...with my own sword...he threw it...”
“Boulnois...with my own sword...he threw it...”
Again the failing hand waved towards the sword, and then fell rigid with a thud. In Kidd rose from its depth all that acrid humour that is the strange salt of the seriousness of his race.
Again, the weak hand gestured toward the sword and then dropped stiffly with a thud. From the depths of Kidd emerged all that biting humor that is the unique spice of his people's seriousness.
“See here,” he said sharply and with command, “you must fetch a doctor. This man’s dead.”
“Listen up,” he said firmly and authoritatively, “you need to get a doctor. This guy is dead.”
“And a priest, too, I suppose,” said Dalroy in an undecipherable manner. “All these Champions are papists.”
“And a priest, too, I guess,” said Dalroy in a way that was hard to understand. “All these Champions are Catholics.”
The American knelt down by the body, felt the heart, propped up the head and used some last efforts at restoration; but before the other journalist reappeared, followed by a doctor and a priest, he was already prepared to assert they were too late.
The American knelt beside the body, checked for a pulse, supported the head, and tried his best to revive it; but before the other journalist returned with a doctor and a priest, he was already ready to say they were too late.
“Were you too late also?” asked the doctor, a solid prosperous-looking man, with conventional moustache and whiskers, but a lively eye, which darted over Kidd dubiously.
“Were you late too?” asked the doctor, a sturdy, successful-looking man with a typical mustache and sideburns, but a lively eye that scrutinized Kidd with some doubt.
“In one sense,” drawled the representative of the Sun. “I was too late to save the man, but I guess I was in time to hear something of importance. I heard the dead man denounce his assassin.”
“In a way,” the representative of the Sun said slowly. “I was too late to save the man, but I think I was just in time to hear something important. I heard the dead man accuse his killer.”
“And who was the assassin?” asked the doctor, drawing his eyebrows together.
“And who was the assassin?” asked the doctor, furrowing his brow.
“Boulnois,” said Calhoun Kidd, and whistled softly.
“Boulnois,” said Calhoun Kidd, and whistled softly.
The doctor stared at him gloomily with a reddening brow—, but he did not contradict. Then the priest, a shorter figure in the background, said mildly: “I understood that Mr Boulnois was not coming to Pendragon Park this evening.”
The doctor looked at him sadly with a furrowed brow—but he didn’t argue. Then the priest, a shorter man in the background, said gently, “I thought Mr. Boulnois wasn’t coming to Pendragon Park this evening.”
“There again,” said the Yankee grimly, “I may be in a position to give the old country a fact or two. Yes, sir, John Boulnois was going to stay in all this evening; he fixed up a real good appointment there with me. But John Boulnois changed his mind; John Boulnois left his home abruptly and all alone, and came over to this darned Park an hour or so ago. His butler told me so. I think we hold what the all-wise police call a clue—have you sent for them?”
“There again,” said the Yankee grimly, “I might be able to give the old country a thing or two. Yes, sir, John Boulnois was supposed to stay in all evening; he had a really good appointment with me. But John Boulnois changed his mind; he left his home suddenly and all alone, and came over to this damn Park about an hour ago. His butler told me that. I think we have what the wise police would call a clue—have you called them?”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “but we haven’t alarmed anyone else yet.”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “but we haven’t worried anyone else yet.”
“Does Mrs Boulnois know?” asked James Dalroy, and again Kidd was conscious of an irrational desire to hit him on his curling mouth.
“Does Mrs. Boulnois know?” James Dalroy asked, and once again, Kidd felt an irrational urge to punch him in his smirking mouth.
“I have not told her,” said the doctor gruffly—, “but here come the police.”
“I haven’t told her,” the doctor said gruffly, “but here come the police.”
The little priest had stepped out into the main avenue, and now returned with the fallen sword, which looked ludicrously large and theatrical when attached to his dumpy figure, at once clerical and commonplace. “Just before the police come,” he said apologetically, “has anyone got a light?”
The little priest had stepped out into the main street and now returned with the fallen sword, which looked ridiculously big and dramatic when attached to his stocky figure, both clerical and ordinary. “Just before the police arrive,” he said sheepishly, “does anyone have a light?”
The Yankee journalist took an electric torch from his pocket, and the priest held it close to the middle part of the blade, which he examined with blinking care. Then, without glancing at the point or pommel, he handed the long weapon to the doctor.
The American journalist took a flashlight from his pocket, and the priest held it close to the middle of the blade, which he examined with cautious blinking. Then, without looking at the tip or handle, he handed the long weapon to the doctor.
“I fear I’m no use here,” he said, with a brief sigh. “I’ll say good night to you, gentlemen.” And he walked away up the dark avenue towards the house, his hands clasped behind him and his big head bent in cogitation.
“I think I’m not much help here,” he said with a slight sigh. “Good night, gentlemen.” Then he walked away down the dark path toward the house, his hands clasped behind him and his large head bent in thought.
The rest of the group made increased haste towards the lodge-gates, where an inspector and two constables could already be seen in consultation with the lodge-keeper. But the little priest only walked slower and slower in the dim cloister of pine, and at last stopped dead, on the steps of the house. It was his silent way of acknowledging an equally silent approach; for there came towards him a presence that might have satisfied even Calhoun Kidd’s demands for a lovely and aristocratic ghost. It was a young woman in silvery satins of a Renascence design; she had golden hair in two long shining ropes, and a face so startingly pale between them that she might have been chryselephantine—made, that is, like some old Greek statues, out of ivory and gold. But her eyes were very bright, and her voice, though low, was confident.
The rest of the group hurried toward the lodge gates, where an inspector and two officers were already seen talking to the lodge-keeper. But the little priest only walked slower and slower in the dim pine cloister, and eventually stopped on the steps of the house. It was his silent way of acknowledging an equally silent presence approaching him; a figure that could have met even Calhoun Kidd's idea of a beautiful and elegant ghost. It was a young woman in shimmering satin of a Renaissance design; she had long, shiny golden hair braided into two strands, and her face was so strikingly pale between them that she could have been made of ivory and gold, like some ancient Greek statues. But her eyes were very bright, and her voice, though soft, was confident.
“Father Brown?” she said.
"Father Brown?" she asked.
“Mrs Boulnois?” he replied gravely. Then he looked at her and immediately said: “I see you know about Sir Claude.”
“Mrs. Boulnois?” he responded seriously. Then he looked at her and quickly added, “I see you're aware of Sir Claude.”
“How do you know I know?” she asked steadily.
“How do you know I know?” she asked calmly.
He did not answer the question, but asked another: “Have you seen your husband?”
He didn't answer the question but asked another one: “Have you seen your husband?”
“My husband is at home,” she said. “He has nothing to do with this.”
“My husband is at home,” she said. “He isn't involved in this at all.”
Again he did not answer; and the woman drew nearer to him, with a curiously intense expression on her face.
Again he didn’t answer; and the woman moved closer to him, with a strangely intense look on her face.
“Shall I tell you something more?” she said, with a rather fearful smile. “I don’t think he did it, and you don’t either.” Father Brown returned her gaze with a long, grave stare, and then nodded, yet more gravely.
“Can I share something else with you?” she said, giving a somewhat nervous smile. “I don’t believe he did it, and I think you know that too.” Father Brown met her eyes with a serious, extended look, then nodded even more seriously.
“Father Brown,” said the lady, “I am going to tell you all I know, but I want you to do me a favour first. Will you tell me why you haven’t jumped to the conclusion of poor John’s guilt, as all the rest have done? Don’t mind what you say: I—I know about the gossip and the appearances that are against me.”
“Father Brown,” the lady said, “I’m going to share everything I know, but first, I need a favor from you. Can you explain why you haven’t rushed to the conclusion of poor John’s guilt, like everyone else has? Don’t hold back: I—I’m aware of the rumors and the evidence stacked against me.”
Father Brown looked honestly embarrassed, and passed his hand across his forehead. “Two very little things,” he said. “At least, one’s very trivial and the other very vague. But such as they are, they don’t fit in with Mr Boulnois being the murderer.”
Father Brown looked genuinely embarrassed and wiped his forehead. “Two very small things,” he said. “One is pretty trivial and the other is quite vague. But as they are, they don’t match up with Mr. Boulnois being the murderer.”
He turned his blank, round face up to the stars and continued absentmindedly: “To take the vague idea first. I attach a good deal of importance to vague ideas. All those things that ‘aren’t evidence’ are what convince me. I think a moral impossibility the biggest of all impossibilities. I know your husband only slightly, but I think this crime of his, as generally conceived, something very like a moral impossibility. Please do not think I mean that Boulnois could not be so wicked. Anybody can be wicked—as wicked as he chooses. We can direct our moral wills; but we can’t generally change our instinctive tastes and ways of doing things. Boulnois might commit a murder, but not this murder. He would not snatch Romeo’s sword from its romantic scabbard; or slay his foe on the sundial as on a kind of altar; or leave his body among the roses, or fling the sword away among the pines. If Boulnois killed anyone he’d do it quietly and heavily, as he’d do any other doubtful thing—take a tenth glass of port, or read a loose Greek poet. No, the romantic setting is not like Boulnois. It’s more like Champion.”
He lifted his blank, round face to the stars and continued absentmindedly: “Let’s start with the vague idea. I find vague ideas to be quite significant. All those things that ‘aren’t evidence’ are what truly convince me. I consider a moral impossibility to be the greatest of all impossibilities. I know your husband only a little, but I believe this crime of his, as it’s usually understood, comes very close to being a moral impossibility. Please don’t think I mean that Boulnois couldn’t be that wicked. Anyone can be as wicked as they choose. We can control our moral will; but we can’t usually change our instinctive tastes and habits. Boulnois might commit murder, but not this particular murder. He wouldn’t snatch Romeo’s sword from its romantic scabbard; or kill his enemy on the sundial like it’s some sort of altar; or leave the body among the roses, or toss the sword away among the pines. If Boulnois killed someone, he would do it quietly and heavily, just as he would do any other questionable thing—like having a tenth glass of port, or reading an inappropriate Greek poet. No, the romantic setting doesn’t fit Boulnois. It’s more like Champion.”
“Ah!” she said, and looked at him with eyes like diamonds.
“Ah!” she said, looking at him with eyes that sparkled like diamonds.
“And the trivial thing was this,” said Brown. “There were finger-prints on that sword; finger-prints can be detected quite a time after they are made if they’re on some polished surface like glass or steel. These were on a polished surface. They were half-way down the blade of the sword. Whose prints they were I have no earthly clue; but why should anybody hold a sword half-way down? It was a long sword, but length is an advantage in lunging at an enemy. At least, at most enemies. At all enemies except one.”
“And the trivial thing was this,” said Brown. “There were fingerprints on that sword; fingerprints can be found long after they were made if they're on a smooth surface like glass or steel. These were on a polished surface. They were halfway down the blade of the sword. I have no idea whose prints they were; but why would anyone hold a sword halfway down? It was a long sword, but length is useful when lunging at an opponent. At least, with most opponents. With all opponents except one.”
“Except one,” she repeated.
“Except for one,” she repeated.
“There is only one enemy,” said Father Brown, “whom it is easier to kill with a dagger than a sword.”
“There’s only one enemy,” said Father Brown, “who’s easier to kill with a dagger than with a sword.”
“I know,” said the woman. “Oneself.”
“I know,” said the woman. “Yourself.”
There was a long silence, and then the priest said quietly but abruptly: “Am I right, then? Did Sir Claude kill himself?”
There was a long silence, and then the priest said quietly but suddenly: “So, am I right? Did Sir Claude take his own life?”
“Yes” she said, with a face like marble. “I saw him do it.”
“Yeah,” she said, her face looking like stone. “I saw him do it.”
“He died,” said Father Brown, “for love of you?”
"He died," Father Brown said, "for love of you?"
An extraordinary expression flashed across her face, very different from pity, modesty, remorse, or anything her companion had expected: her voice became suddenly strong and full. “I don’t believe,” she said, “he ever cared about me a rap. He hated my husband.”
An intense look appeared on her face, completely unlike pity, shyness, guilt, or anything her companion had anticipated: her voice suddenly became powerful and confident. “I don’t believe,” she said, “he ever cared about me at all. He hated my husband.”
“Why?” asked the other, and turned his round face from the sky to the lady.
“Why?” asked the other, turning his round face from the sky to the lady.
“He hated my husband because...it is so strange I hardly know how to say it...because...”
“He hated my husband because...it's so weird I can hardly explain it...because...”
“Yes?” said Brown patiently.
“Yeah?” said Brown patiently.
“Because my husband wouldn’t hate him.”
“Because my husband wouldn’t dislike him.”
Father Brown only nodded, and seemed still to be listening; he differed from most detectives in fact and fiction in a small point—he never pretended not to understand when he understood perfectly well.
Father Brown just nodded and appeared to still be listening; he was different from most detectives, both real and fictional, in one small way—he never pretended not to understand when he clearly understood.
Mrs Boulnois drew near once more with the same contained glow of certainty. “My husband,” she said, “is a great man. Sir Claude Champion was not a great man: he was a celebrated and successful man. My husband has never been celebrated or successful; and it is the solemn truth that he has never dreamed of being so. He no more expects to be famous for thinking than for smoking cigars. On all that side he has a sort of splendid stupidity. He has never grown up. He still liked Champion exactly as he liked him at school; he admired him as he would admire a conjuring trick done at the dinner-table. But he couldn’t be got to conceive the notion of envying Champion. And Champion wanted to be envied. He went mad and killed himself for that.”
Mrs. Boulnois approached again with the same quiet confidence. “My husband,” she said, “is a great man. Sir Claude Champion was not a great man; he was a well-known and successful man. My husband has never been well-known or successful, and the honest truth is that he has never even thought about being either. He doesn’t expect to be famous for his thoughts any more than for smoking cigars. In that regard, he has a kind of glorious obliviousness. He hasn’t matured. He still likes Champion just as much as he did in school; he admires him like he would admire a magic trick performed at the dinner table. But he can’t comprehend the idea of envying Champion. And Champion craved that envy. He went crazy and took his own life for it.”
“Yes,” said Father Brown; “I think I begin to understand.”
“Yes,” said Father Brown; “I think I’m starting to get it.”
“Oh, don’t you see?” she cried; “the whole picture is made for that—the place is planned for it. Champion put John in a little house at his very door, like a dependant—to make him feel a failure. He never felt it. He thinks no more about such things than—than an absent-minded lion. Champion would burst in on John’s shabbiest hours or homeliest meals with some dazzling present or announcement or expedition that made it like the visit of Haroun Alraschid, and John would accept or refuse amiably with one eye off, so to speak, like one lazy schoolboy agreeing or disagreeing with another. After five years of it John had not turned a hair; and Sir Claude Champion was a monomaniac.”
“Oh, can’t you see?” she exclaimed; “this whole scenario was designed for that—the place is set up for it. Champion positioned John in a tiny house right at his doorstep, almost like a servant—to make him feel like a failure. But he never felt that way. He thinks about things like that as much as an absent-minded lion does. Champion would show up during John’s messiest hours or simplest meals with some extravagant gift or news or adventure that made it feel like a visit from Haroun Alraschid, and John would either accept or decline politely, with one eye off, so to speak, like two lazy schoolboys making casual agreements. After five years of this, John hadn’t batted an eye; and Sir Claude Champion was obsessed.”
“And Haman began to tell them,” said Father Brown, “of all the things wherein the king had honoured him; and he said: ‘All these things profit me nothing while I see Mordecai the Jew sitting in the gate.’”
“And Haman started to share with them,” said Father Brown, “about all the ways the king had honored him; and he said: ‘None of these things matter to me as long as I see Mordecai the Jew sitting at the gate.’”
“The crisis came,” Mrs Boulnois continued, “when I persuaded John to let me take down some of his speculations and send them to a magazine. They began to attract attention, especially in America, and one paper wanted to interview him. When Champion (who was interviewed nearly every day) heard of this late little crumb of success falling to his unconscious rival, the last link snapped that held back his devilish hatred. Then he began to lay that insane siege to my own love and honour which has been the talk of the shire. You will ask me why I allowed such atrocious attentions. I answer that I could not have declined them except by explaining to my husband, and there are some things the soul cannot do, as the body cannot fly. Nobody could have explained to my husband. Nobody could do it now. If you said to him in so many words, ‘Champion is stealing your wife,’ he would think the joke a little vulgar: that it could be anything but a joke—that notion could find no crack in his great skull to get in by. Well, John was to come and see us act this evening, but just as we were starting he said he wouldn’t; he had got an interesting book and a cigar. I told this to Sir Claude, and it was his death-blow. The monomaniac suddenly saw despair. He stabbed himself, crying out like a devil that Boulnois was slaying him; he lies there in the garden dead of his own jealousy to produce jealousy, and John is sitting in the dining-room reading a book.”
“The crisis came,” Mrs. Boulnois continued, “when I convinced John to let me take some of his writings and send them to a magazine. They started attracting attention, especially in America, and one paper wanted to interview him. When Champion (who was interviewed almost every day) heard about this small bit of success falling into the hands of his unaware rival, the last thread snapped that kept his intense hatred at bay. Then he began his crazy pursuit of my love and honor, which has been the talk of the county. You might ask why I tolerated such horrible attention. I can only say that I couldn't refuse it without explaining to my husband, and there are some things the soul just won't allow, much like the body can't fly. Nobody could have explained it to my husband. No one could do it now. If you said to him flat out, ‘Champion is after your wife,’ he would think the joke was a bit crude; the idea that it could be anything other than a joke wouldn’t even register in his mind. Well, John was going to come and see us perform this evening, but just as we were getting ready, he said he wouldn’t; he had an interesting book and a cigar. I told this to Sir Claude, and it was the final blow. The obsessed man suddenly saw despair. He stabbed himself, screaming like a demon that Boulnois was killing him; he lies there in the garden, dead from his own jealousy to create jealousy, and John is sitting in the dining room reading a book.”
There was another silence, and then the little priest said: “There is only one weak point, Mrs Boulnois, in all your very vivid account. Your husband is not sitting in the dining-room reading a book. That American reporter told me he had been to your house, and your butler told him Mr Boulnois had gone to Pendragon Park after all.”
There was another silence, and then the little priest said: “There’s just one weak point, Mrs. Boulnois, in your detailed account. Your husband isn’t sitting in the dining room reading a book. That American reporter told me he visited your house, and your butler said Mr. Boulnois went to Pendragon Park after all.”
Her bright eyes widened to an almost electric glare; and yet it seemed rather bewilderment than confusion or fear. “Why, what can you mean?” she cried. “All the servants were out of the house, seeing the theatricals. And we don’t keep a butler, thank goodness!”
Her bright eyes widened to an almost electric glare; and yet it seemed more like bewilderment than confusion or fear. “What do you mean?” she exclaimed. “All the staff were out of the house watching the show. And thank goodness we don’t have a butler!”
Father Brown started and spun half round like an absurd teetotum. “What, what?” he cried seeming galvanized into sudden life. “Look here—I say—can I make your husband hear if I go to the house?”
Father Brown jumped and turned halfway around like a silly spinning top. “What, what?” he exclaimed, seeming suddenly energized. “Listen—I mean—can I get your husband to hear me if I go to the house?”
“Oh, the servants will be back by now,” she said, wondering.
“Oh, the staff should be back by now,” she said, wondering.
“Right, right!” rejoined the cleric energetically, and set off scuttling up the path towards the Park gates. He turned once to say: “Better get hold of that Yankee, or ‘Crime of John Boulnois’ will be all over the Republic in large letters.”
“Sure, sure!” replied the cleric with enthusiasm, and hurried up the path toward the Park gates. He turned once to say: “You’d better catch that Yankee, or ‘Crime of John Boulnois’ will be all over the Republic in big headlines.”
“You don’t understand,” said Mrs Boulnois. “He wouldn’t mind. I don’t think he imagines that America really is a place.”
“You don’t get it,” Mrs. Boulnois said. “He wouldn’t care. I don’t think he even believes that America is a real place.”
When Father Brown reached the house with the beehive and the drowsy dog, a small and neat maid-servant showed him into the dining-room, where Boulnois sat reading by a shaded lamp, exactly as his wife described him. A decanter of port and a wineglass were at his elbow; and the instant the priest entered he noted the long ash stand out unbroken on his cigar.
When Father Brown arrived at the house with the beehive and the sleepy dog, a tidy maid showed him into the dining room, where Boulnois was sitting and reading by a shaded lamp, just as his wife had described. A decanter of port and a wine glass were next to him, and as soon as the priest walked in, he noticed the long ash on his cigar was still intact.
“He has been here for half an hour at least,” thought Father Brown. In fact, he had the air of sitting where he had sat when his dinner was cleared away.
“He has been here for at least half an hour,” thought Father Brown. In fact, he looked like he was sitting in the same spot where his dinner was cleared away.
“Don’t get up, Mr Boulnois,” said the priest in his pleasant, prosaic way. “I shan’t interrupt you a moment. I fear I break in on some of your scientific studies.”
“Don't get up, Mr. Boulnois,” said the priest in his friendly, straightforward manner. “I won't interrupt you at all. I’m afraid I’m interrupting some of your scientific work.”
“No,” said Boulnois; “I was reading ‘The Bloody Thumb.’” He said it with neither frown nor smile, and his visitor was conscious of a certain deep and virile indifference in the man which his wife had called greatness. He laid down a gory yellow “shocker” without even feeling its incongruity enough to comment on it humorously. John Boulnois was a big, slow-moving man with a massive head, partly grey and partly bald, and blunt, burly features. He was in shabby and very old-fashioned evening-dress, with a narrow triangular opening of shirt-front: he had assumed it that evening in his original purpose of going to see his wife act Juliet.
“No,” said Boulnois; “I was reading ‘The Bloody Thumb.’” He said it without a frown or a smile, and his visitor sensed a certain deep and rugged indifference in him that his wife had called greatness. He set aside a gory yellow thriller without even acknowledging its absurdity enough to comment on it humorously. John Boulnois was a large, slow-moving man with a hefty head, partly gray and partly bald, and rough, sturdy features. He was dressed in old-fashioned evening wear that was worn and shabby, with a narrow triangular opening on his shirt front; he had put it on that evening with the original intention of going to see his wife perform as Juliet.
“I won’t keep you long from ‘The Bloody Thumb’ or any other catastrophic affairs,” said Father Brown, smiling. “I only came to ask you about the crime you committed this evening.”
“I won’t take up much of your time away from ‘The Bloody Thumb’ or any other disasters,” said Father Brown with a smile. “I just came to ask you about the crime you committed tonight.”
Boulnois looked at him steadily, but a red bar began to show across his broad brow; and he seemed like one discovering embarrassment for the first time.
Boulnois stared at him intently, but a red flush started to appear across his broad forehead; he looked like someone experiencing embarrassment for the first time.
“I know it was a strange crime,” assented Brown in a low voice. “Stranger than murder perhaps—to you. The little sins are sometimes harder to confess than the big ones—but that’s why it’s so important to confess them. Your crime is committed by every fashionable hostess six times a week: and yet you find it sticks to your tongue like a nameless atrocity.”
“I know it was an odd crime,” Brown agreed quietly. “Stranger than murder, maybe—to you. Sometimes, the small sins are tougher to admit than the big ones—but that’s why it’s crucial to confess them. Your crime is something every trendy hostess does six times a week: and yet you find it hard to say, like an unnamed horror.”
“It makes one feel,” said the philosopher slowly, “such a damned fool.”
“It makes you feel,” said the philosopher slowly, “like such a damn fool.”
“I know,” assented the other, “but one often has to choose between feeling a damned fool and being one.”
“I know,” agreed the other, “but you often have to choose between feeling like a total idiot and actually being one.”
“I can’t analyse myself well,” went on Boulnois; “but sitting in that chair with that story I was as happy as a schoolboy on a half-holiday. It was security, eternity—I can’t convey it... the cigars were within reach...the matches were within reach... the Thumb had four more appearances to...it was not only a peace, but a plenitude. Then that bell rang, and I thought for one long, mortal minute that I couldn’t get out of that chair—literally, physically, muscularly couldn’t. Then I did it like a man lifting the world, because I knew all the servants were out. I opened the front door, and there was a little man with his mouth open to speak and his notebook open to write in. I remembered the Yankee interviewer I had forgotten. His hair was parted in the middle, and I tell you that murder—”
“I can’t analyze myself very well,” Boulnois continued, “but sitting in that chair with that story made me as happy as a schoolboy on a half-day off. It felt secure, like eternity—I can’t quite explain it... the cigars were within reach...the matches were within reach... the Thumb had four more appearances to... it wasn’t just peace, but a sense of fullness. Then that bell rang, and for one long, agonizing minute, I thought I couldn’t get out of that chair—literally, physically, muscularly couldn’t. But I did it like a man lifting the world, because I knew all the servants were out. I opened the front door, and there was a little guy with his mouth open to speak and his notebook ready to write. I remembered the Yankee interviewer I had forgotten. His hair was parted in the middle, and I’ll tell you, that was a disaster—”
“I understand,” said Father Brown. “I’ve seen him.”
“I get it,” said Father Brown. “I’ve seen him.”
“I didn’t commit murder,” continued the Catastrophist mildly, “but only perjury. I said I had gone across to Pendragon Park and shut the door in his face. That is my crime, Father Brown, and I don’t know what penance you would inflict for it.”
“I didn’t kill anyone,” the Catastrophist said calmly, “but only lied under oath. I claimed I went over to Pendragon Park and slammed the door in his face. That’s my crime, Father Brown, and I have no idea what punishment you would give me for it.”
“I shan’t inflict any penance,” said the clerical gentleman, collecting his heavy hat and umbrella with an air of some amusement; “quite the contrary. I came here specially to let you off the little penance which would otherwise have followed your little offence.”
"I won't impose any punishment," said the clergyman, picking up his heavy hat and umbrella with a hint of amusement; "just the opposite. I came here specifically to excuse you from the small penance that would have followed your minor offense."
“And what,” asked Boulnois, smiling, “is the little penance I have so luckily been let off?”
“And what,” Boulnois asked with a smile, “is the little punishment I’ve been so lucky to avoid?”
“Being hanged,” said Father Brown.
“Being hanged,” Father Brown said.
TWELVE — The Fairy Tale of Father Brown
THE picturesque city and state of Heiligwaldenstein was one of those toy kingdoms of which certain parts of the German Empire still consist. It had come under the Prussian hegemony quite late in history—hardly fifty years before the fine summer day when Flambeau and Father Brown found themselves sitting in its gardens and drinking its beer. There had been not a little of war and wild justice there within living memory, as soon will be shown. But in merely looking at it one could not dismiss that impression of childishness which is the most charming side of Germany—those little pantomime, paternal monarchies in which a king seems as domestic as a cook. The German soldiers by the innumerable sentry-boxes looked strangely like German toys, and the clean-cut battlements of the castle, gilded by the sunshine, looked the more like the gilt gingerbread. For it was brilliant weather. The sky was as Prussian a blue as Potsdam itself could require, but it was yet more like that lavish and glowing use of the colour which a child extracts from a shilling paint-box. Even the grey-ribbed trees looked young, for the pointed buds on them were still pink, and in a pattern against the strong blue looked like innumerable childish figures.
The picturesque city and state of Heiligwaldenstein was one of those toy kingdoms that make up certain parts of the German Empire. It had fallen under Prussian control quite late in history—barely fifty years before the lovely summer day when Flambeau and Father Brown found themselves sitting in its gardens and drinking its beer. There had been quite a bit of war and rough justice there in living memory, as will soon be revealed. But just by looking at it, one couldn't ignore the impression of childishness that is the most charming aspect of Germany—those little pantomime, paternal monarchies where a king seems as domesticated as a cook. The German soldiers by the countless sentry boxes looked strangely like German toys, and the clean-cut battlements of the castle, shining in the sunlight, resembled gilt gingerbread even more. The weather was absolutely brilliant. The sky was as Prussian a blue as Potsdam could wish for, but even more like the vibrant and glowing use of color that a child would get from a pack of paint. Even the grey-ribbed trees seemed young, as the pointed buds on them were still pink, and against the strong blue sky, they looked like countless childish figures.
Despite his prosaic appearance and generally practical walk of life, Father Brown was not without a certain streak of romance in his composition, though he generally kept his daydreams to himself, as many children do. Amid the brisk, bright colours of such a day, and in the heraldic framework of such a town, he did feel rather as if he had entered a fairy tale. He took a childish pleasure, as a younger brother might, in the formidable sword-stick which Flambeau always flung as he walked, and which now stood upright beside his tall mug of Munich. Nay, in his sleepy irresponsibility, he even found himself eyeing the knobbed and clumsy head of his own shabby umbrella, with some faint memories of the ogre’s club in a coloured toy-book. But he never composed anything in the form of fiction, unless it be the tale that follows:
Despite his ordinary appearance and practical lifestyle, Father Brown had a touch of romance in him, though he usually kept his daydreams to himself, like many kids do. On this brisk, colorful day, in such a charming town, he felt a bit like he had stepped into a fairy tale. He took a childlike delight, like a younger brother might, in the impressive sword-stick that Flambeau would always carry, which now stood upright next to his tall mug of Munich beer. In his sleepy, carefree way, he even found himself glancing at the knobby and awkward head of his own worn umbrella, recalling memories of the ogre’s club from a picture book. But he never really created anything fictional, except for the story that follows:
“I wonder,” he said, “whether one would have real adventures in a place like this, if one put oneself in the way? It’s a splendid back-scene for them, but I always have a kind of feeling that they would fight you with pasteboard sabres more than real, horrible swords.”
“I wonder,” he said, “if you could really have adventures in a place like this, if you put yourself out there? It’s a great backdrop for them, but I always feel like they’d come at you with cardboard swords instead of real, terrifying ones.”
“You are mistaken,” said his friend. “In this place they not only fight with swords, but kill without swords. And there’s worse than that.”
“You're wrong,” his friend said. “Here, they don't just fight with swords; they kill without them too. And it’s even worse than that.”
“Why, what do you mean?” asked Father Brown.
“Why, what do you mean?” Father Brown asked.
“Why,” replied the other, “I should say this was the only place in Europe where a man was ever shot without firearms.”
“Why,” replied the other, “I would say this is the only place in Europe where a man was ever shot without guns.”
“Do you mean a bow and arrow?” asked Brown in some wonder.
“Do you mean a bow and arrow?” Brown asked, feeling a bit surprised.
“I mean a bullet in the brain,” replied Flambeau. “Don’t you know the story of the late Prince of this place? It was one of the great police mysteries about twenty years ago. You remember, of course, that this place was forcibly annexed at the time of Bismarck’s very earliest schemes of consolidation—forcibly, that is, but not at all easily. The empire (or what wanted to be one) sent Prince Otto of Grossenmark to rule the place in the Imperial interests. We saw his portrait in the gallery there—a handsome old gentleman if he’d had any hair or eyebrows, and hadn’t been wrinkled all over like a vulture; but he had things to harass him, as I’ll explain in a minute. He was a soldier of distinguished skill and success, but he didn’t have altogether an easy job with this little place. He was defeated in several battles by the celebrated Arnhold brothers—the three guerrilla patriots to whom Swinburne wrote a poem, you remember:
“I mean a bullet in the brain,” Flambeau replied. “Don’t you know the story of the late Prince of this place? It was one of the major police mysteries about twenty years ago. You remember, of course, that this area was forcefully annexed during Bismarck’s earliest attempts at consolidation—forcefully, but not easily at all. The empire (or what wanted to be one) sent Prince Otto of Grossenmark to govern in the Imperial interests. We saw his portrait in the gallery there—a handsome old guy if he had any hair or eyebrows and wasn’t all wrinkled up like a vulture; but he had things that troubled him, as I’ll explain in a moment. He was a soldier with notable skill and success, but he didn’t exactly have an easy time with this little area. He was defeated in several battles by the famous Arnhold brothers—the three guerrilla patriots that Swinburne wrote a poem about, you remember:
Wolves with the hair of the ermine, Crows that are crowned and kings— These things be many as vermin, Yet Three shall abide these things.
Wolves with the fur of the ermine, Crows that wear crowns like kings— These things are as numerous as pests, Yet Three will outlast them all.
Or something of that kind. Indeed, it is by no means certain that the occupation would ever have been successful had not one of the three brothers, Paul, despicably, but very decisively declined to abide these things any longer, and, by surrendering all the secrets of the insurrection, ensured its overthrow and his own ultimate promotion to the post of chamberlain to Prince Otto. After this, Ludwig, the one genuine hero among Mr Swinburne’s heroes, was killed, sword in hand, in the capture of the city; and the third, Heinrich, who, though not a traitor, had always been tame and even timid compared with his active brothers, retired into something like a hermitage, became converted to a Christian quietism which was almost Quakerish, and never mixed with men except to give nearly all he had to the poor. They tell me that not long ago he could still be seen about the neighbourhood occasionally, a man in a black cloak, nearly blind, with very wild, white hair, but a face of astonishing softness.”
Or something like that. Honestly, it’s not at all certain that the mission would have been successful if one of the three brothers, Paul, shamefully but decisively chose to stop putting up with things any longer and, by revealing all the secrets of the uprising, ensured its failure and his own eventual promotion to the position of chamberlain to Prince Otto. After that, Ludwig, the true hero among Mr. Swinburne’s heroes, was killed fighting during the city's capture; and the third brother, Heinrich, who, although not a traitor, had always been more docile and even timid compared to his active brothers, withdrew to live in a sort of hermitage, embraced a Christian quietism that was almost Quaker-like, and only interacted with others to give away nearly all he had to the poor. I’ve heard that not long ago he could still occasionally be seen around the neighborhood, a man in a black cloak, nearly blind, with wild, white hair, but a face of remarkable gentleness.
“I know,” said Father Brown. “I saw him once.”
“I know,” said Father Brown. “I saw him once.”
His friend looked at him in some surprise. “I didn’t know you’d been here before,” he said. “Perhaps you know as much about it as I do. Anyhow, that’s the story of the Arnholds, and he was the last survivor of them. Yes, and of all the men who played parts in that drama.”
His friend looked at him in surprise. “I didn’t know you’d been here before,” he said. “Maybe you know as much about it as I do. Anyway, that’s the story of the Arnholds, and he was the last one left from them. Yeah, and from all the guys who were part of that drama.”
“You mean that the Prince, too, died long before?”
"You mean that the Prince also died a long time ago?"
“Died,” repeated Flambeau, “and that’s about as much as we can say. You must understand that towards the end of his life he began to have those tricks of the nerves not uncommon with tyrants. He multiplied the ordinary daily and nightly guard round his castle till there seemed to be more sentry-boxes than houses in the town, and doubtful characters were shot without mercy. He lived almost entirely in a little room that was in the very centre of the enormous labyrinth of all the other rooms, and even in this he erected another sort of central cabin or cupboard, lined with steel, like a safe or a battleship. Some say that under the floor of this again was a secret hole in the earth, no more than large enough to hold him, so that, in his anxiety to avoid the grave, he was willing to go into a place pretty much like it. But he went further yet. The populace had been supposed to be disarmed ever since the suppression of the revolt, but Otto now insisted, as governments very seldom insist, on an absolute and literal disarmament. It was carried out, with extraordinary thoroughness and severity, by very well-organized officials over a small and familiar area, and, so far as human strength and science can be absolutely certain of anything, Prince Otto was absolutely certain that nobody could introduce so much as a toy pistol into Heiligwaldenstein.”
“Died,” Flambeau repeated, “and that’s pretty much all there is to say. You need to understand that towards the end of his life, he started showing those nerve issues typical of tyrants. He increased the regular daily and nightly guards around his castle until it seemed like there were more sentry boxes than houses in the town, and anyone suspicious was shot without mercy. He spent almost all his time in a tiny room located right in the center of the massive maze of all the other rooms, and even in this room, he built another sort of central cabin or cupboard, lined with steel, like a safe or a battleship. Some say that underneath this, there was a hidden hole in the ground, just big enough for him to fit, so that in his fear of the grave, he was willing to go into a place that was pretty much like it. But he went even further. The public was thought to be disarmed ever since the revolt was crushed, but Otto now insisted, as governments almost never do, on complete and total disarmament. This was enforced, with remarkable thoroughness and severity, by well-organized officials in a small and familiar area, and, as far as human strength and science can be certain of anything, Prince Otto was completely sure that no one could bring even a toy gun into Heiligwaldenstein.”
“Human science can never be quite certain of things like that,” said Father Brown, still looking at the red budding of the branches over his head, “if only because of the difficulty about definition and connotation. What is a weapon? People have been murdered with the mildest domestic comforts; certainly with tea-kettles, probably with tea-cosies. On the other hand, if you showed an Ancient Briton a revolver, I doubt if he would know it was a weapon—until it was fired into him, of course. Perhaps somebody introduced a firearm so new that it didn’t even look like a firearm. Perhaps it looked like a thimble or something. Was the bullet at all peculiar?”
“Human science can never be entirely sure about things like that,” Father Brown said, still gazing at the red buds on the branches above him. “That’s mostly because of the difficulties with definitions and meanings. What qualifies as a weapon? People have been killed with the mildest household items; definitely with tea kettles, probably even with tea cozies. On the flip side, if you showed an ancient Briton a revolver, I doubt he’d recognize it as a weapon—until it was fired at him, of course. Maybe someone created a firearm so new that it didn’t even resemble a firearm. Maybe it looked like a thimble or something. Was the bullet anything unusual?”
“Not that I ever heard of,” answered Flambeau; “but my information is fragmentary, and only comes from my old friend Grimm. He was a very able detective in the German service, and he tried to arrest me; I arrested him instead, and we had many interesting chats. He was in charge here of the inquiry about Prince Otto, but I forgot to ask him anything about the bullet. According to Grimm, what happened was this.” He paused a moment to drain the greater part of his dark lager at a draught, and then resumed:
“Not that I’ve ever heard of,” replied Flambeau. “But my info is pretty limited, and it mostly comes from my old buddy Grimm. He was a really skilled detective in the German service, and he tried to take me in; I ended up arresting him instead, and we had a lot of interesting conversations. He was in charge of the investigation about Prince Otto here, but I forgot to ask him anything about the bullet. According to Grimm, here’s what happened.” He took a moment to finish most of his dark lager in one go, then continued:
“On the evening in question, it seems, the Prince was expected to appear in one of the outer rooms, because he had to receive certain visitors whom he really wished to meet. They were geological experts sent to investigate the old question of the alleged supply of gold from the rocks round here, upon which (as it was said) the small city-state had so long maintained its credit and been able to negotiate with its neighbours even under the ceaseless bombardment of bigger armies. Hitherto it had never been found by the most exacting inquiry which could—”
“On the evening in question, it seems the Prince was supposed to be in one of the outer rooms because he needed to meet certain visitors he really wanted to see. They were geological experts sent to look into the long-standing question of the rumored gold supply from the nearby rocks, which, as it was said, had allowed the small city-state to maintain its reputation and negotiate with its neighbors even while being constantly bombarded by larger armies. So far, it had never been discovered by the most thorough investigation that could—”
“Which could be quite certain of discovering a toy pistol,” said Father Brown with a smile. “But what about the brother who ratted? Hadn’t he anything to tell the Prince?”
“Which could be pretty sure of finding a toy gun,” said Father Brown with a smile. “But what about the brother who squealed? Didn’t he have anything to share with the Prince?”
“He always asseverated that he did not know,” replied Flambeau; “that this was the one secret his brothers had not told him. It is only right to say that it received some support from fragmentary words—spoken by the great Ludwig in the hour of death, when he looked at Heinrich but pointed at Paul, and said, ‘You have not told him...’ and was soon afterwards incapable of speech. Anyhow, the deputation of distinguished geologists and mineralogists from Paris and Berlin were there in the most magnificent and appropriate dress, for there are no men who like wearing their decorations so much as the men of science—as anybody knows who has ever been to a soiree of the Royal Society. It was a brilliant gathering, but very late, and gradually the Chamberlain—you saw his portrait, too: a man with black eyebrows, serious eyes, and a meaningless sort of smile underneath—the Chamberlain, I say, discovered there was everything there except the Prince himself. He searched all the outer salons; then, remembering the man’s mad fits of fear, hurried to the inmost chamber. That also was empty, but the steel turret or cabin erected in the middle of it took some time to open. When it did open it was empty, too. He went and looked into the hole in the ground, which seemed deeper and somehow all the more like a grave—that is his account, of course. And even as he did so he heard a burst of cries and tumult in the long rooms and corridors without.
“He always claimed he didn’t know,” replied Flambeau; “that this was the one secret his brothers hadn’t shared with him. It’s worth mentioning that it was somewhat supported by fragmentary words—spoken by the great Ludwig at the time of his death, when he looked at Heinrich but pointed at Paul, and said, ‘You haven’t told him...’ and shortly afterwards became unable to speak. Anyway, the group of distinguished geologists and mineralogists from Paris and Berlin were there in their most splendid and fitting attire, because no one enjoys wearing their medals as much as scientists—as anyone knows who has ever attended a gathering of the Royal Society. It was an impressive event, but it ran late, and gradually the Chamberlain—you’ve seen his portrait, too: a man with black eyebrows, serious eyes, and a rather blank smile—well, the Chamberlain, I say, realized that everything was present except for the Prince himself. He searched all the outer rooms; then, recalling the man’s wild fits of fear, he rushed to the innermost chamber. That was empty as well, but the steel turret or cabin built in the center took a while to open. When it finally did, it was empty, too. He looked into the hole in the ground, which seemed deeper and somehow more grave-like—that’s his account, of course. And just as he did that, he heard a burst of cries and chaos from the long halls and corridors outside.
“First it was a distant din and thrill of something unthinkable on the horizon of the crowd, even beyond the castle. Next it was a wordless clamour startlingly close, and loud enough to be distinct if each word had not killed the other. Next came words of a terrible clearness, coming nearer, and next one man, rushing into the room and telling the news as briefly as such news is told.
“First, there was a distant noise and excitement about something unimaginable on the edge of the crowd, even beyond the castle. Then, it turned into a silent commotion that was surprisingly close, loud enough to be clear if each word hadn’t drowned out the others. Next came words that were horrifyingly clear, getting closer, and then one man burst into the room and delivered the news as briefly as such news can be shared.”
“Otto, Prince of Heiligwaldenstein and Grossenmark, was lying in the dews of the darkening twilight in the woods beyond the castle, with his arms flung out and his face flung up to the moon. The blood still pulsed from his shattered temple and jaw, but it was the only part of him that moved like a living thing. He was clad in his full white and yellow uniform, as to receive his guests within, except that the sash or scarf had been unbound and lay rather crumpled by his side. Before he could be lifted he was dead. But, dead or alive, he was a riddle—he who had always hidden in the inmost chamber out there in the wet woods, unarmed and alone.”
Otto, Prince of Heiligwaldenstein and Grossenmark, was lying in the chill of the darkening twilight in the woods beyond the castle, with his arms spread out and his face turned up to the moon. Blood still flowed from his shattered temple and jaw, but that was the only part of him that moved like a living thing. He was dressed in his full white and yellow uniform, as if to greet guests inside, except that the sash had come undone and lay crumpled beside him. Before he could be lifted, he was dead. But whether alive or dead, he was a mystery—he who had always concealed himself in the deepest part of the wet woods, unarmed and alone.
“Who found his body?” asked Father Brown.
“Who found his body?” Father Brown asked.
“Some girl attached to the Court named Hedwig von something or other,” replied his friend, “who had been out in the wood picking wild flowers.”
“Some girl connected to the Court named Hedwig von something,” his friend replied, “who had been out in the woods picking wildflowers.”
“Had she picked any?” asked the priest, staring rather vacantly at the veil of the branches above him.
“Did she choose any?” asked the priest, gazing somewhat blankly at the canopy of branches above him.
“Yes,” replied Flambeau. “I particularly remember that the Chamberlain, or old Grimm or somebody, said how horrible it was, when they came up at her call, to see a girl holding spring flowers and bending over that—that bloody collapse. However, the main point is that before help arrived he was dead, and the news, of course, had to be carried back to the castle. The consternation it created was something beyond even that natural in a Court at the fall of a potentate. The foreign visitors, especially the mining experts, were in the wildest doubt and excitement, as well as many important Prussian officials, and it soon began to be clear that the scheme for finding the treasure bulked much bigger in the business than people had supposed. Experts and officials had been promised great prizes or international advantages, and some even said that the Prince’s secret apartments and strong military protection were due less to fear of the populace than to the pursuit of some private investigation of—”
“Yes,” replied Flambeau. “I especially remember that the Chamberlain, or old Grimm or someone, said how terrible it was when they arrived at her call to see a girl holding spring flowers and leaning over that—that bloody mess. Nonetheless, the main point is that before help got there, he was dead, and the news, of course, had to go back to the castle. The shock it caused was beyond what one would normally expect in a court at the fall of a powerful leader. The foreign guests, particularly the mining experts, were filled with wild confusion and excitement, along with many key Prussian officials, and it quickly became clear that the plan to find the treasure was much more significant than anyone had thought. Experts and officials had been promised great rewards or international benefits, and some even claimed that the Prince’s secret apartments and strong military protection were less about fearing the people and more about chasing some private investigation of—”
“Had the flowers got long stalks?” asked Father Brown.
“Did the flowers have long stems?” asked Father Brown.
Flambeau stared at him. “What an odd person you are!” he said. “That’s exactly what old Grimm said. He said the ugliest part of it, he thought—uglier than the blood and bullet—was that the flowers were quite short, plucked close under the head.”
Flambeau stared at him. “What a strange person you are!” he said. “That’s exactly what old Grimm said. He thought the ugliest part—worse than the blood and bullets—was that the flowers were really short, cut right under the head.”
“Of course,” said the priest, “when a grown up girl is really picking flowers, she picks them with plenty of stalk. If she just pulled their heads off, as a child does, it looks as if—” And he hesitated.
“Of course,” said the priest, “when an adult woman is really picking flowers, she picks them with a lot of stem. If she just yanked their heads off, like a child does, it seems as if—” And he paused.
“Well?” inquired the other.
"Well?" asked the other.
“Well, it looks rather as if she had snatched them nervously, to make an excuse for being there after—well, after she was there.”
“Well, it seems like she grabbed them anxiously, just to have a reason for being there after—well, after she was already there.”
“I know what you’re driving at,” said Flambeau rather gloomily. “But that and every other suspicion breaks down on the one point—the want of a weapon. He could have been killed, as you say, with lots of other things—even with his own military sash; but we have to explain not how he was killed, but how he was shot. And the fact is we can’t. They had the girl most ruthlessly searched; for, to tell the truth, she was a little suspect, though the niece and ward of the wicked old Chamberlain, Paul Arnhold. But she was very romantic, and was suspected of sympathy with the old revolutionary enthusiasm in her family. All the same, however romantic you are, you can’t imagine a big bullet into a man’s jaw or brain without using a gun or pistol. And there was no pistol, though there were two pistol shots. I leave it to you, my friend.”
“I see what you're getting at,” Flambeau said somewhat gloomily. “But that and every other suspicion falls apart on one crucial point—the lack of a weapon. He could have been killed, as you mentioned, with many different objects—even with his own military sash; but we need to clarify not how he was killed, but how he was shot. And the truth is we can't. They had the girl thoroughly searched; to be honest, she was a bit suspicious, being the niece and ward of the wicked old Chamberlain, Paul Arnhold. Still, she was very romantic and suspected of sympathizing with the old revolutionary ideals in her family. Regardless, no matter how romantic you are, you can’t picture a large bullet in a man’s jaw or brain without a gun or pistol. And there was no pistol, even though there were two gunshots. I’ll leave it to you, my friend.”
“How do you know there were two shots?” asked the little priest.
“How do you know there were two shots?” asked the young priest.
“There was only one in his head,” said his companion, “but there was another bullet-hole in the sash.”
“There was only one in his head,” said his companion, “but there was another bullet hole in the window frame.”
Father Brown’s smooth brow became suddenly constricted. “Was the other bullet found?” he demanded.
Father Brown's smooth forehead suddenly furrowed. "Was the other bullet found?" he asked.
Flambeau started a little. “I don’t think I remember,” he said.
Flambeau flinched slightly. “I don't think I remember,” he said.
“Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!” cried Brown, frowning more and more, with a quite unusual concentration of curiosity. “Don’t think me rude. Let me think this out for a moment.”
“Wait! Wait! Wait!” shouted Brown, increasingly frowning with an unusual focus of curiosity. “Don’t think I’m being rude. Let me figure this out for a moment.”
“All right,” said Flambeau, laughing, and finished his beer. A slight breeze stirred the budding trees and blew up into the sky cloudlets of white and pink that seemed to make the sky bluer and the whole coloured scene more quaint. They might have been cherubs flying home to the casements of a sort of celestial nursery. The oldest tower of the castle, the Dragon Tower, stood up as grotesque as the ale-mug, but as homely. Only beyond the tower glimmered the wood in which the man had lain dead.
“Okay,” Flambeau said, laughing as he finished his beer. A gentle breeze rustled the budding trees and sent little clouds of white and pink up into the sky, making it look bluer and the whole colorful scene more charming. They could have been cherubs heading back to the windows of some kind of heavenly nursery. The oldest tower of the castle, the Dragon Tower, stood out as oddly shaped as the ale mug, yet just as familiar. But just beyond the tower, the woods shimmered where the man had lain dead.
“What became of this Hedwig eventually?” asked the priest at last.
“What happened to Hedwig in the end?” asked the priest finally.
“She is married to General Schwartz,” said Flambeau. “No doubt you’ve heard of his career, which was rather romantic. He had distinguished himself even, before his exploits at Sadowa and Gravelotte; in fact, he rose from the ranks, which is very unusual even in the smallest of the German...”
“She’s married to General Schwartz,” said Flambeau. “You’ve probably heard of his career, which was quite remarkable. He made a name for himself even before his feats at Sadowa and Gravelotte; in fact, he rose up from the ranks, which is really unusual even in the smallest of the German...”
Father Brown sat up suddenly.
Father Brown sat up abruptly.
“Rose from the ranks!” he cried, and made a mouth as if to whistle. “Well, well, what a queer story! What a queer way of killing a man; but I suppose it was the only one possible. But to think of hate so patient—”
“Rose from the ranks!” he shouted, making a face as if to whistle. “Well, well, what a strange story! What a strange way to kill a man; but I guess it was the only way possible. But to think of hate being so patient—”
“What do you mean?” demanded the other. “In what way did they kill the man?”
“What do you mean?” the other person asked. “How did they kill the man?”
“They killed him with the sash,” said Brown carefully; and then, as Flambeau protested: “Yes, yes, I know about the bullet. Perhaps I ought to say he died of having a sash. I know it doesn’t sound like having a disease.”
“They killed him with the sash,” Brown said carefully; and then, as Flambeau protested: “Yes, yes, I know about the bullet. Maybe I should say he died because of having a sash. I know it doesn’t sound like he had a disease.”
“I suppose,” said Flambeau, “that you’ve got some notion in your head, but it won’t easily get the bullet out of his. As I explained before, he might easily have been strangled. But he was shot. By whom? By what?”
“I guess,” said Flambeau, “that you have some idea in your mind, but it's not going to easily get the bullet out of him. As I mentioned before, he could have easily been strangled. But he was shot. By whom? By what?”
“He was shot by his own orders,” said the priest.
“He was shot by his own orders,” said the priest.
“You mean he committed suicide?”
"You mean he took his life?"
“I didn’t say by his own wish,” replied Father Brown. “I said by his own orders.”
“I didn’t say it was his choice,” Father Brown responded. “I said it was his command.”
“Well, anyhow, what is your theory?”
“Well, anyway, what’s your take?”
Father Brown laughed. “I am only on my holiday,” he said. “I haven’t got any theories. Only this place reminds me of fairy stories, and, if you like, I’ll tell you a story.”
Father Brown laughed. “I’m just on my vacation,” he said. “I don’t have any theories. It’s just that this place makes me think of fairy tales, and if you want, I can tell you a story.”
The little pink clouds, that looked rather like sweet-stuff, had floated up to crown the turrets of the gilt gingerbread castle, and the pink baby fingers of the budding trees seemed spreading and stretching to reach them; the blue sky began to take a bright violet of evening, when Father Brown suddenly spoke again:
The little pink clouds, which looked a lot like candy, floated up to sit atop the turrets of the golden gingerbread castle, and the pink baby fingers of the budding trees seemed to reach out for them; the blue sky started to turn a bright violet as evening approached, when Father Brown suddenly spoke again:
“It was on a dismal night, with rain still dropping from the trees and dew already clustering, that Prince Otto of Grossenmark stepped hurriedly out of a side door of the castle and walked swiftly into the wood. One of the innumerable sentries saluted him, but he did not notice it. He had no wish to be specially noticed himself. He was glad when the great trees, grey and already greasy with rain, swallowed him up like a swamp. He had deliberately chosen the least frequented side of his palace, but even that was more frequented than he liked. But there was no particular chance of officious or diplomatic pursuit, for his exit had been a sudden impulse. All the full-dressed diplomatists he left behind were unimportant. He had realized suddenly that he could do without them.
On a gloomy night, with rain still dripping from the trees and dew already forming, Prince Otto of Grossenmark hurried out of a side door of the castle and quickly made his way into the woods. One of the countless guards saluted him, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself. He felt relieved when the tall, grey trees, already slick with rain, enveloped him like a marsh. He had intentionally chosen the least busy side of the palace, but even that was more crowded than he preferred. However, there was little chance of any overly eager or diplomatic pursuit, as his departure had been a spur-of-the-moment decision. All the formally dressed diplomats he left behind seemed inconsequential. He had suddenly realized that he could manage without them.
“His great passion was not the much nobler dread of death, but the strange desire of gold. For this legend of the gold he had left Grossenmark and invaded Heiligwaldenstein. For this and only this he had bought the traitor and butchered the hero, for this he had long questioned and cross-questioned the false Chamberlain, until he had come to the conclusion that, touching his ignorance, the renegade really told the truth. For this he had, somewhat reluctantly, paid and promised money on the chance of gaining the larger amount; and for this he had stolen out of his palace like a thief in the rain, for he had thought of another way to get the desire of his eyes, and to get it cheap.
“His great passion wasn't the much nobler fear of death, but the strange desire for gold. For this legend of gold, he had left Grossenmark and invaded Heiligwaldenstein. For this and only this, he had bought the traitor and slaughtered the hero; for this, he had long questioned and cross-examined the false Chamberlain until he concluded that, regarding his ignorance, the renegade actually told the truth. For this, he had, somewhat reluctantly, paid and promised money with the hope of gaining a larger amount; and for this, he had slipped out of his palace like a thief in the rain because he thought of another way to get what he desired and to get it cheap.”
“Away at the upper end of a rambling mountain path to which he was making his way, among the pillared rocks along the ridge that hangs above the town, stood the hermitage, hardly more than a cavern fenced with thorn, in which the third of the great brethren had long hidden himself from the world. He, thought Prince Otto, could have no real reason for refusing to give up the gold. He had known its place for years, and made no effort to find it, even before his new ascetic creed had cut him off from property or pleasures. True, he had been an enemy, but he now professed a duty of having no enemies. Some concession to his cause, some appeal to his principles, would probably get the mere money secret out of him. Otto was no coward, in spite of his network of military precautions, and, in any case, his avarice was stronger than his fears. Nor was there much cause for fear. Since he was certain there were no private arms in the whole principality, he was a hundred times more certain there were none in the Quaker’s little hermitage on the hill, where he lived on herbs, with two old rustic servants, and with no other voice of man for year after year. Prince Otto looked down with something of a grim smile at the bright, square labyrinths of the lamp-lit city below him. For as far as the eye could see there ran the rifles of his friends, and not one pinch of powder for his enemies. Rifles ranked so close even to that mountain path that a cry from him would bring the soldiers rushing up the hill, to say nothing of the fact that the wood and ridge were patrolled at regular intervals; rifles so far away, in the dim woods, dwarfed by distance, beyond the river, that an enemy could not slink into the town by any detour. And round the palace rifles at the west door and the east door, at the north door and the south, and all along the four facades linking them. He was safe.
At the upper end of a winding mountain path that he was following, among the rocky pillars along the ridge above the town, stood the hermitage, barely more than a cave surrounded by thorns, where the third of the great brethren had long secluded himself from the world. Prince Otto thought that he had no real reason to refuse to give up the gold. He had known its location for years and had made no effort to find it, even before his new ascetic beliefs had cut him off from possessions or pleasures. True, he had been an enemy, but now he claimed to have a duty to have no enemies. A small concession to his cause, some appeal to his principles, would likely extract the mere secret of the money from him. Otto was no coward; despite all his military precautions, his greed was stronger than his fears. Besides, there was little reason to be afraid. Since he was sure there were no private arms anywhere in the principality, he was even more certain there were none in the Quaker’s little hermitage on the hill, where he lived on herbs, with two old rural servants, and no other human contact for years on end. Prince Otto looked down with a grim smile at the bright, square patterns of the lamp-lit city below him. As far as he could see, there were the rifles of his allies, and not a single grain of gunpowder for his enemies. The rifles were positioned so close to that mountain path that a shout from him would send the soldiers rushing up the hill, not to mention that the woods and ridge were patrolled regularly; rifles so distant, in the shadowy woods, diminished by distance, beyond the river, that an enemy couldn’t sneak into the town by any detour. And around the palace, there were rifles at the west door and the east door, at the north door and the south, all along the four sides connecting them. He was safe.
“It was all the more clear when he had crested the ridge and found how naked was the nest of his old enemy. He found himself on a small platform of rock, broken abruptly by the three corners of precipice. Behind was the black cave, masked with green thorn, so low that it was hard to believe that a man could enter it. In front was the fall of the cliffs and the vast but cloudy vision of the valley. On the small rock platform stood an old bronze lectern or reading-stand, groaning under a great German Bible. The bronze or copper of it had grown green with the eating airs of that exalted place, and Otto had instantly the thought, ‘Even if they had arms, they must be rusted by now.’ Moonrise had already made a deathly dawn behind the crests and crags, and the rain had ceased.
“It became even clearer when he reached the top of the ridge and saw how exposed the nest of his old enemy was. He found himself on a small rock platform, which dropped off suddenly at three steep edges. Behind him was the dark cave, covered in green thorns, so low that it was hard to believe a person could get inside. In front of him was the drop of the cliffs and the vast, cloudy view of the valley. On the small rock platform stood an old bronze lectern or reading stand, groaning under a large German Bible. The bronze or copper had turned green from the harsh air of that high place, and Otto immediately thought, ‘Even if they had weapons, they must be rusted by now.’ The rising moon had already created a ghostly dawn behind the peaks and rocky formations, and the rain had stopped.
“Behind the lectern, and looking across the valley, stood a very old man in a black robe that fell as straight as the cliffs around him, but whose white hair and weak voice seemed alike to waver in the wind. He was evidently reading some daily lesson as part of his religious exercises. ‘They trust in their horses...’
“Behind the lectern, looking across the valley, stood a very old man in a black robe that hung as straight as the cliffs around him, but whose white hair and weak voice seemed to waver in the wind. He was clearly reading some daily lesson as part of his religious exercises. ‘They trust in their horses...’
“‘Sir,’ said the Prince of Heiligwaldenstein, with quite unusual courtesy, ‘I should like only one word with you.’
“‘Sir,’ said the Prince of Heiligwaldenstein, with quite unusual courtesy, ‘I would like just one word with you.’
“‘...and in their chariots,’ went on the old man weakly, ‘but we will trust in the name of the Lord of Hosts....’ His last words were inaudible, but he closed the book reverently and, being nearly blind, made a groping movement and gripped the reading-stand. Instantly his two servants slipped out of the low-browed cavern and supported him. They wore dull-black gowns like his own, but they had not the frosty silver on the hair, nor the frost-bitten refinement of the features. They were peasants, Croat or Magyar, with broad, blunt visages and blinking eyes. For the first time something troubled the Prince, but his courage and diplomatic sense stood firm.
“‘...and in their chariots,’ the old man continued weakly, ‘but we will trust in the name of the Lord of Hosts....’ His final words were barely audible, but he closed the book with reverence and, nearly blind, reached out and gripped the reading stand. Instantly, his two servants stepped out of the low ceiling cavern and supported him. They wore plain black robes like his own, but lacked the frosty silver in their hair and the refined, frost-bitten features. They were peasants, either Croat or Magyar, with broad, flat faces and blinking eyes. For the first time, something troubled the Prince, but his courage and diplomatic skills remained strong.
“‘I fear we have not met,’ he said, ‘since that awful cannonade in which your poor brother died.’
“‘I’m afraid we haven’t met,’ he said, ‘since that terrible cannon fire when your poor brother died.’”
“‘All my brothers died,’ said the old man, still looking across the valley. Then, for one instant turning on Otto his drooping, delicate features, and the wintry hair that seemed to drip over his eyebrows like icicles, he added: ‘You see, I am dead, too.’
“‘All my brothers died,’ said the old man, still gazing across the valley. Then, for a brief moment, he turned to Otto, revealing his frail, delicate features and the gray hair that hung over his eyebrows like icicles, and added: ‘You see, I am dead too.’”
“‘I hope you’ll understand,’ said the Prince, controlling himself almost to a point of conciliation, ‘that I do not come here to haunt you, as a mere ghost of those great quarrels. We will not talk about who was right or wrong in that, but at least there was one point on which we were never wrong, because you were always right. Whatever is to be said of the policy of your family, no one for one moment imagines that you were moved by the mere gold; you have proved yourself above the suspicion that...’
“‘I hope you’ll understand,’ said the Prince, managing to almost sound conciliatory, ‘that I’m not here to haunt you as a mere ghost of those big arguments. We won’t get into who was right or wrong, but there is one thing we can agree on: you were always right. No one doubts that your family’s actions were motivated by anything less than integrity; you’ve shown that you’re above any suspicion that...’”
“The old man in the black gown had hitherto continued to gaze at him with watery blue eyes and a sort of weak wisdom in his face. But when the word ‘gold’ was said he held out his hand as if in arrest of something, and turned away his face to the mountains.
“The old man in the black gown had been looking at him with watery blue eyes and a kind of fragile wisdom on his face. But when the word ‘gold’ was spoken, he raised his hand as if to stop something and turned his face toward the mountains.”
“‘He has spoken of gold,’ he said. ‘He has spoken of things not lawful. Let him cease to speak.’
“‘He’s talked about gold,’ he said. ‘He’s talked about things that aren’t legal. Let him stop talking.’”
“Otto had the vice of his Prussian type and tradition, which is to regard success not as an incident but as a quality. He conceived himself and his like as perpetually conquering peoples who were perpetually being conquered. Consequently, he was ill acquainted with the emotion of surprise, and ill prepared for the next movement, which startled and stiffened him. He had opened his mouth to answer the hermit, when the mouth was stopped and the voice strangled by a strong, soft gag suddenly twisted round his head like a tourniquet. It was fully forty seconds before he even realized that the two Hungarian servants had done it, and that they had done it with his own military scarf.
“Otto embodied the characteristics of his Prussian type and tradition, which saw success not as a random occurrence but as an inherent trait. He viewed himself and those like him as constantly conquering people who were always being conquered. As a result, he was not familiar with the feeling of surprise and was unprepared for the next unexpected move that caught him off guard and left him rigid. He had just opened his mouth to respond to the hermit when a strong, soft gag suddenly wrapped around his head like a tourniquet, stopping his mouth and choking off his voice. It took him a full forty seconds to realize that the two Hungarian servants were behind it and that they had used his own military scarf.”
“The old man went again weakly to his great brazen-supported Bible, turned over the leaves, with a patience that had something horrible about it, till he came to the Epistle of St James, and then began to read: ‘The tongue is a little member, but—’
“The old man weakly approached his heavily supported Bible, flipped through the pages with a patience that felt unsettling, until he found the Epistle of St. James, and then started to read: ‘The tongue is a small part of the body, but—’”
“Something in the very voice made the Prince turn suddenly and plunge down the mountain-path he had climbed. He was half-way towards the gardens of the palace before he even tried to tear the strangling scarf from his neck and jaws. He tried again and again, and it was impossible; the men who had knotted that gag knew the difference between what a man can do with his hands in front of him and what he can do with his hands behind his head. His legs were free to leap like an antelope on the mountains, his arms were free to use any gesture or wave any signal, but he could not speak. A dumb devil was in him.
“Something in that voice made the Prince suddenly turn and dash down the mountain path he had just climbed. He was halfway to the palace gardens before he even attempted to pull the tight scarf from his neck and jaws. He tried over and over, but it was impossible; the men who tied that gag understood the difference between what a person can do with their hands in front of them and what they can do with their hands behind their head. His legs were free to leap like an antelope on the mountains; his arms were free to make any gesture or wave any signal, but he could not speak. A silent devil was within him.”
“He had come close to the woods that walled in the castle before he had quite realized what his wordless state meant and was meant to mean. Once more he looked down grimly at the bright, square labyrinths of the lamp-lit city below him, and he smiled no more. He felt himself repeating the phrases of his former mood with a murderous irony. Far as the eye could see ran the rifles of his friends, every one of whom would shoot him dead if he could not answer the challenge. Rifles were so near that the wood and ridge could be patrolled at regular intervals; therefore it was useless to hide in the wood till morning. Rifles were ranked so far away that an enemy could not slink into the town by any detour; therefore it was vain to return to the city by any remote course. A cry from him would bring his soldiers rushing up the hill. But from him no cry would come.
He had approached the woods surrounding the castle before he truly understood what his silent state meant and was intended to signify. Once again, he glared down at the bright, square patterns of the lamp-lit city beneath him, and his smile vanished. He felt himself echoing the phrases of his earlier mood with a bitter irony. As far as he could see, the rifles of his friends lined the area, each one of them ready to shoot him if he couldn’t respond to the challenge. The rifles were so close that the woods and ridge could be patrolled regularly; therefore, hiding in the woods until morning was pointless. The rifles were stationed so far away that an enemy couldn’t sneak into the town by any detour; thus, returning to the city by any back route was futile. A shout from him would send his soldiers rushing up the hill. But no shout would escape from him.
“The moon had risen in strengthening silver, and the sky showed in stripes of bright, nocturnal blue between the black stripes of the pines about the castle. Flowers of some wide and feathery sort—for he had never noticed such things before—were at once luminous and discoloured by the moonshine, and seemed indescribably fantastic as they clustered, as if crawling about the roots of the trees. Perhaps his reason had been suddenly unseated by the unnatural captivity he carried with him, but in that wood he felt something unfathomably German—the fairy tale. He knew with half his mind that he was drawing near to the castle of an ogre—he had forgotten that he was the ogre. He remembered asking his mother if bears lived in the old park at home. He stooped to pick a flower, as if it were a charm against enchantment. The stalk was stronger than he expected, and broke with a slight snap. Carefully trying to place it in his scarf, he heard the halloo, ‘Who goes there?’ Then he remembered the scarf was not in its usual place.
The moon rose with a bright silver glow, and the sky appeared in stripes of vivid, night-time blue between the dark silhouettes of the pines around the castle. Flowers of some wide, feathery type—something he had never really noticed before—were both glowing and oddly colored by the moonlight, creating an indescribably surreal scene as they clustered around the roots of the trees. Maybe his reason had been suddenly shaken by the strange captivity he brought with him, but in that forest, he felt something deeply German—the fairy tale. He knew deep down that he was approaching the castle of a monster—he had forgotten that he was the monster. He recalled asking his mother if bears lived in the old park at home. He bent down to pick a flower, as if it were a talisman against enchantment. The stem was sturdier than he anticipated, snapping slightly as he pulled it. As he tried to tuck it into his scarf, he heard someone call out, ‘Who goes there?’ Then he remembered that his scarf wasn’t in its usual place.
“He tried to scream and was silent. The second challenge came; and then a shot that shrieked as it came and then was stilled suddenly by impact. Otto of Grossenmark lay very peacefully among the fairy trees, and would do no more harm either with gold or steel; only the silver pencil of the moon would pick out and trace here and there the intricate ornament of his uniform, or the old wrinkles on his brow. May God have mercy on his soul.
“He tried to scream but couldn’t make a sound. The second challenge came, followed by a shot that sliced through the air and then fell silent upon impact. Otto of Grossenmark lay peacefully among the fairy trees, no longer able to cause harm with gold or steel; only the silver light of the moon would highlight and trace the intricate details of his uniform or the old wrinkles on his forehead. May God have mercy on his soul.
“The sentry who had fired, according to the strict orders of the garrison, naturally ran forward to find some trace of his quarry. He was a private named Schwartz, since not unknown in his profession, and what he found was a bald man in uniform, but with his face so bandaged by a kind of mask made of his own military scarf that nothing but open, dead eyes could be seen, glittering stonily in the moonlight. The bullet had gone through the gag into the jaw; that is why there was a shot-hole in the scarf, but only one shot. Naturally, if not correctly, young Schwartz tore off the mysterious silken mask and cast it on the grass; and then he saw whom he had slain.
The guard who had fired, following the strict orders of the garrison, quickly ran forward to look for any sign of his target. He was a private named Schwartz, fairly experienced in his role, and what he found was a bald man in uniform, but his face was so wrapped in a mask made from his own military scarf that only his open, lifeless eyes could be seen, glinting coldly in the moonlight. The bullet had gone through the gag and into the jaw; that's why there was a bullet hole in the scarf, but only one shot had been fired. Naturally, though perhaps not smartly, young Schwartz pulled off the strange silk mask and threw it onto the grass; then he realized who he had killed.
“We cannot be certain of the next phase. But I incline to believe that there was a fairy tale, after all, in that little wood, horrible as was its occasion. Whether the young lady named Hedwig had any previous knowledge of the soldier she saved and eventually married, or whether she came accidentally upon the accident and their intimacy began that night, we shall probably never know. But we can know, I fancy, that this Hedwig was a heroine, and deserved to marry a man who became something of a hero. She did the bold and the wise thing. She persuaded the sentry to go back to his post, in which place there was nothing to connect him with the disaster; he was but one of the most loyal and orderly of fifty such sentries within call. She remained by the body and gave the alarm; and there was nothing to connect her with the disaster either, since she had not got, and could not have, any firearms.
“We can’t be sure about the next phase. But I tend to believe that there was a fairy tale, after all, in that little woods, awful as its circumstances were. Whether the young lady named Hedwig had any prior knowledge of the soldier she saved and eventually married, or whether she stumbled upon the accident and their bond started that night, we may never know. But we can feel confident that this Hedwig was a heroine and deserved to marry a man who became something of a hero. She took the brave and smart step. She convinced the sentry to return to his post, where there was nothing to link him to the tragedy; he was just one of the most loyal and orderly of fifty sentries nearby. She stayed by the body and raised the alarm; and there was nothing to link her to the disaster either, since she didn’t have, and couldn’t have, any firearms.”
“Well,” said Father Brown rising cheerfully “I hope they’re happy.”
“Well,” said Father Brown, getting up cheerfully, “I hope they're happy.”
“Where are you going?” asked his friend.
“Where are you headed?” his friend asked.
“I’m going to have another look at that portrait of the Chamberlain, the Arnhold who betrayed his brethren,” answered the priest. “I wonder what part—I wonder if a man is less a traitor when he is twice a traitor?”
“I’m going to take another look at that portrait of the Chamberlain, the Arnhold who betrayed his people,” the priest replied. “I’m curious about something—does a man become less of a traitor when he’s a traitor twice over?”
And he ruminated long before the portrait of a white-haired man with black eyebrows and a pink, painted sort of smile that seemed to contradict the black warning in his eyes.
And he pondered for a long time in front of the portrait of a white-haired man with black eyebrows and a pink, painted smile that seemed to contradict the dark warning in his eyes.
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