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CAUTIONARY TALES FOR CHILDREN
CAUTIONARY TALES FOR
CHILDREN
Designed for the Admonition of Children between the ages
of eight and fourteen years
Created for the guidance of children aged
eight to fourteen years
Verses by
H. BELLOC
Verses by
H. Belloc
———
Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Pictures by
B. T. B.
Photos by
B. T. B.
DUCKWORTH
3 HENRIETTA STREET, LONDON, W.C.
DUCKWORTH
3 Henrietta St, London, W.C.
First published by Eveleigh Nash, 1907
First published by Gerald Duckworth & Co. Ltd., 1918
Thirteenth Impression, 1957
First published by Eveleigh Nash, 1907
First published by Gerald Duckworth & Co. Ltd., 1918
Thirteenth Impression, 1957
All rights reserved
All rights reserved
Made and Printed in Great Britain by
Thomas Nelson and Sons Ltd
London and Edinburgh
Made and Printed in Great Britain by
Thomas Nelson and Sons Ltd
London and Edinburgh
DEDICATED
TO
BOBBY, JOHNNY, AND EDDIE
SOMERSET
INTRODUCTION
Upon being asked by a Reader whether the verses contained in this book were true.
Upon being asked by a Reader if the verses in this book were true.
And is it True? It is not True.
And if it were it wouldn’t do,
For people such as me and you
Who pretty nearly all day long
Are doing something rather wrong.
Because if things were really so,
You would have perished long ago,
And I would not have lived to write
The noble lines that meet your sight,
Nor B. T. B. survived to draw
The nicest things you ever saw.
H. B.
Is it true? It's not true.
And even if it were, it wouldn't matter,
For people like us,
Who spend almost all day long
Doing something a bit wrong.
Because if things were really like that,
You would have been gone long ago,
And I wouldn’t have lived to write
The great lines you see before you,
Nor would B. T. B. have survived to create
The best things you've ever seen.
H.B.
Jim,
Who ran away from his Nurse, and was eaten by a Lion.
Who ran away from his nurse and was eaten by a lion.
There was a Boy whose name was Jim;
His Friends were very good to him.
They gave him Tea, and Cakes, and Jam,
And slices of delicious Ham,
And Chocolate with pink inside,
And little Tricycles to ride,
And
There was a boy named Jim;
His friends were really nice to him.
They gave him tea, cakes, and jam,
And slices of tasty ham,
And chocolate with pink filling,
And little tricycles to ride,
And
read him Stories through and through,
And even took him to the Zoo—
But there it was the dreadful Fate
Befell him, which I now relate.
read him stories repeatedly,
And even took him to the zoo—
But that's where the terrible fate
Happened to him, which I’ll now tell.
You know—at least you ought to know.
For I have often told you so—
That Children never are allowed
To leave their Nurses in a Crowd;
You know—you really should know.
Because I've told you many times—
That kids are never allowed
To leave their caregivers in a crowd;
Now this was Jim’s especial Foible,
He ran away when he was able,
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn’t gone a yard when—
Now this was Jim’s special quirk,
He took off whenever he could,
And on this unlucky day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn’t gone a yard when—
Bang!
With open Jaws, a Lion sprang,
And hungrily began to eat
The Boy: beginning at his feet.
Bang!
With its mouth wide open, a Lion jumped,
And eagerly started to devour
The Boy: starting at his feet.
Now just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels,
And then by gradual degrees,
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees,
Are slowly eaten, bit by bit.
Now just picture how it feels
When your toes first, then your heels,
And then gradually,
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees,
Are slowly consumed, piece by piece.
No wonder Jim detested it!
No wonder that he shouted “Hi!”
The Honest Keeper heard his cry,
Though very fat
No wonder Jim hated it!
No wonder he shouted "Hi!"
The Honest Keeper heard him shout,
Even though he was really fat.
he almost ran
To help the little gentleman.
“Ponto!” he ordered as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion’s name),
“Ponto!” he cried,
he nearly ran
to help the little guy.
“Ponto!” he shouted as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion’s name),
“Ponto!” he yelled,
with angry Frown.
“Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!”
with an angry glare.
“Let go, Sir! Put it down, Sir! Just put it down!”
The Lion made a sudden Stop,
He let the Dainty Morsel drop,
And slunk reluctant to his Cage,
Snarling with Disappointed Rage
But when he bent him over Jim,
The Honest Keeper’s
The Lion suddenly stopped,
He let the tasty treat fall,
And reluctantly crept back to his cage,
Growling with frustrated anger.
But when he leaned over Jim,
The honest keeper’s
Eyes were dim.
The Lion having reached his Head,
The Miserable Boy was dead!
Eyes were lifeless.
The Lion having reached his Head,
The Unfortunate Boy was dead!
When Nurse informed his Parents, they
Were more Concerned than I can say:—
His Mother, as She dried her eyes,
Said, “Well—it gives me no surprise,
He would not do as he was told!”
His Father, who was self-controlled,
Bade all the children round attend
[Pg 16]
To James’ miserable end,
And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse.
When the nurse told his parents, they
Were more worried than I can express:—
His mom, as she wiped her tears,
Said, “Well—it doesn't surprise me,
He never listened to instructions!”
His dad, who kept his cool,
Called all the kids to come around
[Pg 16]
To learn about James’ sad fate,
And always stay close to the nurse
In case they found something even worse.
Henry King,
Who chewed bits of String, and was early cut off in Dreadful Agonies.
Who chewed on pieces of string and was cut short in terrible pain.
The Chief Defect of Henry King
Was
The main flaw of Henry King
Was
chewing little bits of String.
At last he swallowed some which tied
[Pg 18]
Itself in ugly Knots inside.
chewing on small pieces of string.
Finally, he swallowed some, which tangled
[Pg 18]
into nasty knots inside.
Physicians of the Utmost Fame
Were called at once; but when they came
They answered,
Physicians of the Highest Renown
Were summoned right away; but when they arrived
They replied,
as they took their Fees,
“There is no Cure for this Disease.
Henry will very soon be dead.”
His Parents stood about his Bed
Lamenting his Untimely Death,
When Henry, with his Latest Breath,
Cried—
“Oh, my Friends, be warned by me,
while they collected their fees,
“There’s no cure for this disease.
Henry will be dead very soon.”
His parents gathered around his bed
mourning his untimely death,
when Henry, with his last breath,
cried—
“Oh, my friends, learn from my experience,
That Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch and Tea
Are all the Human Frame requires ...”
With that the Wretched Child expires.
That breakfast, dinner, lunch, and tea
Are all the human body needs ...”
With that, the miserable child dies.
Matilda,
Who told Lies, and was Burned to Death.
Who told lies and was burned to death.
Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,
Matilda told terrible lies,
It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s Eyes;
Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,
Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,
It made one gasp and stretch one’s eyes;
Her aunt, who, from her earliest youth,
Had always been very serious about truth,
Attempted to Believe Matilda:
The effort very nearly killed her,
And would have done so, had not She
Discovered this Infirmity.
For once, towards the Close of Day,
Matilda, growing tired of play,
[Pg 23]
And finding she was left alone,
Went tiptoe
Attempted to Believe Matilda:
The effort almost killed her,
And would have, if she
Hadn't discovered this weakness.
For once, as the day was ending,
Matilda, tired of playing,
[Pg 23]
And realizing she was left alone,
Went on tiptoe
to
the Telephone
And summoned the Immediate Aid
Of London’s Noble Fire-Brigade.
Within an hour the Gallant Band
Were pouring in on every hand,
From Putney, Hackney Downs and Bow,
With Courage high and Hearts a-glow
They galloped, roaring through the Town,
to
the Phone
And called for the Immediate Help
Of London’s Brave Fire Brigade.
Within an hour, the Courageous Team
Were rushing in from every side,
From Putney, Hackney Downs, and Bow,
With Spirits high and Hearts aglow
They charged in, roaring through the Town,
“Matilda’s House is Burning Down!”
Inspired by British Cheers and Loud
Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through a score
Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;
And took Peculiar Pains to Souse
The Pictures up and down the House,
“Matilda’s House is Burning Down!”
Inspired by Cheers and Loud Shouts
From the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through numerous
Windows on the Ballroom Floor;
And took Special Care to Douse
The Paintings up and down the House,
Until Matilda’s Aunt succeeded
In showing them they were not needed
And even then she had to pay
To get the Men to go away!
Until Matilda’s aunt managed
To prove to them they weren’t needed
And even then she had to pay
To get the guys to leave!
It happened that a few Weeks later
Her Aunt was off to the Theatre
To see that Interesting Play
The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.
It happened that a few weeks later
her aunt was off to the theater
to see that interesting play
The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.
She had refused to take her Niece
To hear this Entertaining Piece:
A Deprivation Just and Wise
To Punish her for Telling Lies.
That Night a Fire did break out—
You should have heard Matilda Shout!
You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,
[Pg 27]
And throw the window up and call
To People passing in the Street—
(The rapidly increasing Heat
Encouraging her to obtain
Their confidence)—but all in vain!
For every time She shouted “Fire!”
She had refused to take her niece
To see this entertaining show:
A fair punishment, it seemed wise
To discipline her for telling lies.
That night, a fire broke out—
You should have heard Matilda shout!
You should have heard her scream and cry,
[Pg 27]
And throw the window open wide and call
To people passing on the street—
(The quickly rising heat
Encouraging her to gain
Their attention)—but all in vain!
For every time she yelled “Fire!”
They only answered “Little Liar!”
And therefore when her Aunt returned,
[Pg 28]
Matilda, and the House, were Burned.
They just replied, “Little Liar!”
And so when her Aunt came back,
[Pg 28]
Matilda and the House were burned.
Franklin Hyde,
Who caroused in the Dirt and was corrected by His Uncle.
Who partied in the mud and was scolded by His Uncle.
His Uncle came on Franklin Hyde
Carousing in the Dirt.
He Shook him hard from Side to Side
And
His uncle arrived on Franklin Hyde
Partying in the dirt.
He shook him hard from side to side
And
Hit him till it Hurt,
Hit him until it hurt,
Exclaiming, with a Final Thud,
[Pg 31]
“Take
“Take
that! Abandoned Boy!
For Playing with Disgusting Mud
As though it were a Toy!”
That! Abandoned Kid!
For Playing with Gross Mud
As if it were a Toy!”
MORAL
From Franklin Hyde’s adventure, learn
To pass your Leisure Time
[Pg 32]
In Cleanly Merriment, and turn
From Mud and Ooze and Slime
And every form of Nastiness—
But, on the other Hand,
Children in ordinary Dress
May always play with Sand.
From Franklin Hyde’s adventure, learn
To spend your free time
[Pg 32]
In clean fun, and avoid
Mud and ooze and slime
And every kind of grossness—
But, on the other hand,
Kids in regular clothes
Can always play with sand.
Godolphin Horne,
Who was cursed with the Sin of Pride, and Became a Boot-Black.
Who was cursed with the Sin of Pride and became a shoeshiner.
Godolphin Horne was Nobly Born;
He held the Human Race in Scorn,
And lived with all his Sisters where
His father lived, in Berkeley Square.
And oh! the Lad was Deathly Proud!
[Pg 34]
He never shook your Hand or Bowed,
But merely smirked and nodded
Godolphin Horne was of noble birth;
He looked down on the human race,
And lived with all his sisters where
His father had a home, in Berkeley Square.
And oh! the guy was incredibly proud!
[Pg 34]
He never shook your hand or bowed,
But just smirked and nodded.
thus:
How perfectly ridiculous!
Alas! That such Affected Tricks
Should flourish in a Child of Six!
(For such was Young Godolphin’s age).
so:
How completely absurd!
Oh no! That such Pretentious Behaviors
Should thrive in a Six-Year-Old!
(For that was Young Godolphin’s age).
the Lord High Chamberlain
(The Kindest and the Best of Men),
He went good-naturedly and
the Chief of the Chamber
(The Kindest and the Best of Men),
He went along cheerfully and
took
A Perfectly Enormous Book
Called People Qualified to Be
Attendant on His Majesty,
And murmured, as he scanned the list
(To see that no one should be missed),
“There’s
took
A Perfectly Enormous Book
Called People Qualified to Be
Attendant on His Majesty,
And murmured, as he scanned the list
(To see that no one should be missed),
“There’s
William Coutts has got the Flue,
William Coutts has caught the flu,
And Billy Higgs would never do,
And Billy Higgs would never be acceptable,
And Guy
de Vere is far too young,
And Guy
de Vere is way too young,
And ... wasn’t D’Alton’s Father hung?
And as for Alexander Byng!— ...
I think I know the kind of thing,
A Churchman, cleanly, nobly born,
Come
And ... wasn't D'Alton's father hanged?
And what about Alexander Byng!— ...
I think I get the gist,
A clergyman, neat and nobly born,
Come
[Pg 38]
let us say Godolphin Horne?”
But hardly had he said the word
When Murmurs of Dissent were heard.
The King of Iceland’s Eldest Son
Said, “Thank you! I am taking none!”
The Aged Duchess of Athlone
Remarked, in her sub-acid tone,
“I doubt if He is what we need!”
With which the Bishops all agreed;
And even Lady Mary Flood
(So Kind, and oh! so really good)
Said, “No! He wouldn’t do at all,
He’d make us feel a lot too small,”
The Chamberlain said,
[Pg 38]
let's say Godolphin Horne?
But as soon as he said it,
Murmurs of disagreement started to rise.
The King of Iceland’s eldest son
Said, “Thanks, but I’m not interested!”
The elderly Duchess of Athlone
Commented, in her sharp tone,
“I doubt he’s what we need!”
With which all the bishops agreed;
And even Lady Mary Flood
(So kind, and oh! so really good)
Said, “No! He wouldn’t work for us at all,
He’d just make us feel way too small,”
The Chamberlain said,
[Pg 39]
“ ... Well, well, well!
No doubt you’re right.... One cannot tell!”
He took his Gold and Diamond Pen
And
[Pg 39]
"Wow, look at that!"
You’re probably right.... You can never be sure!”
He grabbed his Gold and Diamond Pen
And
Scratched Godolphin out again.
So now Godolphin is the Boy
[Pg 40]
Who blacks the Boots at the Savoy.
Crossed Godolphin off again.
So now Godolphin is the kid
[Pg 40]
Who shines the shoes at the Savoy.
Algernon,
Who played with a Loaded Gun, and, on missing his Sister was reprimanded by his Father.
Who played with a loaded gun and, when he couldn't find his sister, was scolded by his father.
Young Algernon, the Doctor’s Son,
Was
Young Algernon, the Doctor’s Son,
Was
playing with a Loaded Gun.
He pointed it towards his sister,
Aimed very carefully, but
playing with a loaded gun.
He aimed it at his sister,
Focused very carefully, but
Missed her!
Missed her!
His Father, who was standing near,
His dad, who was standing nearby,
The Loud Explosion chanced to Hear,
The Loud Explosion happened to Hear,
And reprimanded Algernon
For playing with a Loaded Gun.
And scolded Algernon
For playing with a loaded gun.
Hildebrand,
Who was frightened by a Passing Motor, and was brought to Reason.
Who was scared by a passing car, and was brought to his senses.
“Oh, Murder! What was that, Papa!”
“My child,
“Oh no, what was that, Dad!”
“My child,
Designed to Captivate and Charm
Much rather than to rouse Alarm
In any English Boy.
Designed to captivate and charm
Much more than to cause alarm
In any English boy.
“What would your Great Grandfather who
“What would your Great Grandfather who
Was Aide-de-Camp to General Brue,
Was Assistant to General Brue,
[Pg 47] And lost a leg at
And lost a leg at
Waterloo,
Waterloo,
And
And
Quatre-Bras and
Quatre-Bras and
Ligny too!
Ligny as well!
[Pg 49] And died at Trafalgar!—
And died at Trafalgar!—
What would he have remarked to hear
His Young Descendant shriek with fear,
Because he happened to be near
A Harmless Motor-Car!
But do not fret about it! Come!
[Pg 50]
We’ll off to Town
What would he have said to hear
His young descendant scream with fear,
Just because he was close to
A harmless car!
But don’t worry about it! Come on!
[Pg 50]
We’re heading to town.
And purchase some!”
"Go buy some!"
Lord Lundy,
Who was too Freely Moved to Tears, and thereby ruined his Political Career.
Who was too easily brought to tears, which ended his political career.
Lord Lundy from his earliest years
Was far too freely moved to Tears.
For instance if his Mother said,
“Lundy! It’s time to go to Bed!”
He bellowed like a Little Turk.
Or if
Lord Lundy from his earliest years
Was far too easily brought to tears.
For example, if his mother said,
“Lundy! It’s time to go to bed!”
He screamed like a little brat.
Or if
his father Lord Dunquerque
Said “Hi!” in a Commanding Tone,
“Hi, Lundy! Leave the Cat alone!”
Lord Lundy, letting go its tail,
Would raise so terrible a wail
As moved
[Pg 53]
His
Grandpapa
the
his dad Lord Dunquerque
Said “Hey!” in a commanding tone,
“Hey, Lundy! Leave the cat alone!”
Lord Lundy, releasing its tail,
Would let out such a terrible wail
That it moved
[Pg 53]
His
Grandpa
the
Duke
To utter the severe rebuke:
“When I, Sir! was a little Boy,
An Animal was not a Toy!”
Duke
To give the serious scolding:
“When I, Sir! was a little kid,
A pet wasn't just a toy!”
[Pg 54]
His father’s Elder Sister, who
Was married to a Parvenoo,
[Pg 54]
His father's older sister, who
Was married to a social climber,
Confided to Her Husband, “Drat!
The Miserable, Peevish Brat!
Why don’t they drown the Little Beast?”
Suggestions which, to say the least,
Are not what we expect to hear
From Daughters of an English Peer.
His grandmamma, His Mother’s Mother,
[Pg 55]
Who had some dignity or other,
The Garter, or no matter what,
I can’t remember all the Lot!
Said “Oh! that I were Brisk and Spry
To give him that for which to cry!”
(An empty wish, alas! for she
Confided to Her Husband, “Ugh!
That annoying, whiny kid!
Why don’t they just get rid of the little troublemaker?”
Suggestions that, to put it mildly,
Aren’t what we’d expect to hear
From the daughters of a British aristocrat.
His grandmother, his mother’s mother,
[Pg 55]
Who had some sort of dignity,
Whether it was the Garter or something else,
I can't remember all of it!
Said “Oh! that I were lively and quick
To give him something to really cry about!”
(An empty wish, unfortunately! for she
Was Blind and nearly ninety-three).
Was blind and nearly 93.
The
The
Dear Old Butler
Dear Old Concierge
thought—but there!
I really neither know nor care
For what the Dear Old Butler thought!
In my opinion, Butlers ought
To know their place, and not to play
The Old Retainer night and day
[Pg 57]
I’m getting tired and so are you,
Let’s cut the Poem into two!
hold on!
I honestly don’t know or care
About what the old butler thinks!
In my view, butlers should
Know their role and not act
Like the old servant all the time.
[Pg 57]
I'm getting bored and so are you,
Let’s split the poem in two!
Lord Lundy
(SECOND CANTO)
(SECOND CANTO)
It happened to Lord Lundy then,
As happens to so many men:
Towards the age of twenty-six,
They shoved him into politics;
In which profession he commanded
The income that his rank demanded
In turn as Secretary for
India, the Colonies, and War.
But very soon his friends began
To doubt if he were quite the man:
Thus, if a member rose to say
(As members do from day to day),
It happened to Lord Lundy then,
As it does to so many men:
Around the age of twenty-six,
They pushed him into politics;
In that career, he earned
The salary that matched his status
As Secretary for
India, the Colonies, and War.
But not long after, his friends started
To question if he was really the right guy:
So, if a member stood up to say
(As members often do every day),
“Arising out of that reply ...!”
"Based on that response ...!"
Lord Lundy would begin to cry.
A Hint at harmless little jobs
Would shake him with convulsive sobs.
Lord Lundy would start to cry.
A suggestion of harmless little tasks
Would make him tremble with deep sobs.
While as for Revelations, these
Would simply bring him to his knees,
And leave him whimpering like a child.
It drove his Colleagues raving wild!
They let him sink from Post to Post,
From fifteen hundred at the most
To eight, and barely six—and then
To be Curator of Big Ben!...
And finally there came a Threat
To oust him from the Cabinet!
While it comes to Revelations, these
Would just make him collapse,
And leave him crying like a kid.
It sent his colleagues totally crazy!
They let him fall from position to position,
From fifteen hundred at the highest
To eight, and barely six—and then
To be the Curator of Big Ben!...
And finally there was a threat
To kick him out of the Cabinet!
The Duke—his aged grand-sire—bore
The shame till he could bear no more.
He rallied his declining powers,
Summoned the youth to Brackley Towers,
[Pg 61]
And bitterly addressed him thus—
“Sir! you have disappointed us!
We had intended you to be
The next Prime Minister but three:
The stocks were sold; the Press was squared:
The Middle Class was quite prepared.
But as it is!... My language fails!
The Duke—his elderly grandfather—carried
The shame until he couldn't handle it anymore.
He gathered his waning strength,
Called the youth to Brackley Towers,
[Pg 61]
And bitterly addressed him like this—
“Sir! you've let us down!
We had planned for you to be
The next Prime Minister after two more:
The stocks were sold; the Press was on our side:
The Middle Class was fully ready.
But as it stands!... I'm at a loss for words!
Go out and govern New South Wales!”
Go out and lead New South Wales!”
The Aged Patriot groaned and died:
[Pg 62]
And gracious! how Lord Lundy cried!
The old patriot groaned and passed away:
[Pg 62]
And wow, how Lord Lundy sobbed!
Rebecca,
Who slammed Doors for Fun and Perished Miserably.
Who slammed doors for fun and ended up suffering greatly.
A Trick that everyone abhors
In Little Girls is slamming Doors.
A
A trick that everyone hates
In Little Girls is slamming doors.
A
Wealthy Banker’s
Rich Banker’s
Little Daughter
Little Daughter
Who lived in Palace Green, Bayswater
(By name Rebecca Offendort),
Was given to this Furious Sport.
Who lived in Palace Green, Bayswater
(By the name of Rebecca Offendort),
Was known for this intense sport.
She would deliberately go
She would intentionally go
And Slam the door like
Billy-Ho!
And slam the door like
Billy-Ho!
[Pg 65] To make
To create
her
her
Uncle Jacob start.
She was not really bad at heart,
But only rather rude and wild:
She was an aggravating child....
Uncle Jacob's beginning.
She wasn't truly bad at heart,
Just a bit rude and untamed:
She was a frustrating child....
It happened that a Marble Bust
Of Abraham was standing just
Above the Door this little Lamb
Had carefully prepared to Slam,
And Down it came! It knocked her flat!
It just so happened that a marble bust
Of Abraham was positioned right
Above the door that this little lamb
Had perfectly set up to slam,
And down it came! It knocked her out!
It laid her out! She looked like that.
It knocked her out! She looked like that.
Her funeral Sermon (which was long
And followed by a Sacred Song)
Mentioned her Virtues, it is true,
But dwelt upon her Vices too,
[Pg 67]
And showed the Dreadful End of One
Who goes and slams the door for Fun.
Her funeral sermon (which was long
And followed by a sacred song)
Talked about her virtues, it’s true,
But also covered her vices too,
[Pg 67]
And showed the terrible end of someone
Who goes and slams the door just for fun.
The children who were brought to hear
The awful Tale from far and near
Were much impressed,
The kids who came to listen
To the terrible story from all around
Were really moved,
and inly swore
They never more would slam the Door.
—As often they had done before.
and silently swore
They would never slam the door again.
—As they had often done before.
George,
Who played with a Dangerous Toy, and suffered a Catastrophe of considerable Dimensions.
Who played with a Dangerous Toy and faced a huge disaster.
When George’s Grandmamma was told
When George's grandma was told
That George had been as good as Gold,
She Promised in the Afternoon
To buy him an Immense BALLOON.
And
That George had been as good as gold,
She promised in the afternoon
to buy him an immense balloon.
And
so she did; but when it came,
It got into the candle flame,
And being of a dangerous sort
Exploded
so she did; but when it arrived,
It got into the candle flame,
And being of a dangerous kind
Blew up
with a loud report!
with a loud bang!
[Pg 71]
The Lights went out! The Windows broke!
The Room was filled with reeking smoke.
And in the darkness shrieks and yells
Were mingled with Electric Bells,
And falling masonry and groans,
And crunching, as of broken bones,
And dreadful shrieks, when, worst of all,
The House itself began to fall!
It tottered, shuddering to and fro,
Then crashed into the street below—
Which happened to be Savile Row.
[Pg 71]
The lights went out! The windows shattered!
The room filled with stinking smoke.
And in the darkness, screams and shouts
Mixed with electric alarms,
And collapsing walls and groans,
And crunching sounds, like broken bones,
And terrifying screams, when, worst of all,
The building itself started to fall!
It swayed, trembling back and forth,
Then crashed down to the street below—
Which happened to be Savile Row.
When Help arrived, among the Dead
When help arrived, among the dead
Were
Were
Cousin Mary,
Cousin Mary,
Little Fred,
Lil Fred,
The Footmen
The Footmen
(both of them),
(both of them)
The Groom,
The Bridegroom,
The man that cleaned the Billiard-Room,
The man who cleaned the billiard room,
The Chaplain, and
The Chaplain, and
The Still-Room Maid.
And I am dreadfully afraid
That Monsieur Champignon, the Chef,
Will now be
The Still-Room Attendant.
And I am really worried
That Monsieur Champignon, the Chef,
Will now be
permanently deaf—
And both his
permanently deaf—
And both his
[Pg 74] Aides
Assistants
are much the same;
While George, who was in part to blame,
Received, you will regret to hear,
A nasty lump
are much the same;
While George, who was partly at fault,
Received, I’m sorry to say,
A nasty bump
behind the ear.
behind the ear.
MORAL
The moral is that little Boys
Should not be given dangerous Toys.
The lesson is that young boys
Should not be given risky toys.
Charles Augustus Fortescue,
Who always Did what was Right, and so accumulated an Immense Fortune.
Who always did the right thing, and so built up an immense fortune.
The nicest child I ever knew
Was Charles Augustus Fortescue.
He never lost his cap, or tore
His stockings or his pinafore:
In eating Bread he made no Crumbs,
He was extremely fond of sums,
The nicest kid I ever knew
Was Charles Augustus Fortescue.
He never lost his cap or ripped
His socks or his apron:
When he ate bread, there were no crumbs.
He was really into math problems,
To which, however, he preferred
The Parsing of a Latin Word—
He sought, when it was in his power,
For information twice an hour,
[Pg 76]
And as for finding Mutton-Fat
Unappetising, far from that!
He often, at his Father’s Board,
Would beg them, of his own accord,
To which, however, he preferred
The Breakdown of a Latin Word—
He tried, when he could,
To get information twice an hour,
[Pg 76]
And as for finding Mutton-Fat
Unappealing, far from it!
He often, at his Dad’s Table,
Would ask them, of his own volition,
To give him, if they did not mind,
The Greasiest Morsels they could find—
His Later Years did not belie
The Promise of his Infancy.
[Pg 77]
In Public Life he always tried
To take a judgment Broad and Wide;
To give him, if they didn’t mind,
The greasiest bits they could find—
His later years didn’t betray
The promise of his infancy.
[Pg 77]
In public life he always aimed
To take a view that was broad and wide;
In Private, none was more than he
Renowned for quiet courtesy.
He rose at once in his Career,
And long before his Fortieth Year
Had wedded
In private, no one was better than him
Known for his calm politeness.
He quickly advanced in his career,
And long before turning forty
Had gotten married
Fifi,
Fifi,
Only Child
Of Bunyan, First Lord Aberfylde.
He thus became immensely Rich,
And built the Splendid Mansion which
Is called
Only Kid
Of Bunyan, First Lord Aberfylde.
He became incredibly wealthy,
And built the magnificent mansion that
Is called
Where he resides in Affluence still
To show what Everybody might
Become by
Where he lives in wealth still
To show what anyone could
Become by
SIMPLY DOING RIGHT.
Just doing the right thing.
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