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The House of Mirth
BY
EDITH WHARTON
BOOK ONE
BOOK ONE
Chapter 1
Selden paused in surprise. In the afternoon rush of the Grand Central Station his eyes had been refreshed by the sight of Miss Lily Bart.
Selden paused in surprise. In the afternoon rush at Grand Central Station, his eyes had been refreshed by the sight of Miss Lily Bart.
It was a Monday in early September, and he was returning to his work from a hurried dip into the country; but what was Miss Bart doing in town at that season? If she had appeared to be catching a train, he might have inferred that he had come on her in the act of transition between one and another of the country houses which disputed her presence after the close of the Newport season; but her desultory air perplexed him. She stood apart from the crowd, letting it drift by her to the platform or the street, and wearing an air of irresolution which might, as he surmised, be the mask of a very definite purpose. It struck him at once that she was waiting for some one, but he hardly knew why the idea arrested him. There was nothing new about Lily Bart, yet he could never see her without a faint movement of interest: it was characteristic of her that she always roused speculation, that her simplest acts seemed the result of far-reaching intentions.
It was a Monday in early September, and he was heading back to work after a quick trip to the countryside; but what was Miss Bart doing in town at this time? If she had seemed like she was catching a train, he might have thought he had caught her in between one of the country houses that were vying for her attention after the Newport season ended; but her aimless demeanor confused him. She stood off to the side, allowing the crowd to pass her by on the way to the platform or the street, and wore an expression of uncertainty that he guessed could actually hide a very clear purpose. It struck him right away that she was waiting for someone, but he couldn't quite figure out why that thought stood out to him. There was nothing new about Lily Bart, yet he could never see her without feeling a flicker of interest: it was typical of her that she always sparked curiosity, and that even her simplest actions seemed to stem from deep intentions.
An impulse of curiosity made him turn out of his direct line to the door, and stroll past her. He knew that if she did not wish to be seen she would contrive to elude him; and it amused him to think of putting her skill to the test.
A sudden urge of curiosity made him veer away from his straight path to the door and walk past her. He knew that if she didn't want to be seen, she'd find a way to avoid him; it entertained him to consider challenging her ability to do so.
“Mr. Selden—what good luck!”
“Mr. Selden—what great luck!”
She came forward smiling, eager almost, in her resolve to intercept him. One or two persons, in brushing past them, lingered to look; for Miss Bart was a figure to arrest even the suburban traveller rushing to his last train.
She stepped forward with a smile, almost eager, determined to stop him. A couple of people, who brushed past them, paused to take a look; Miss Bart was someone who could catch the attention of even a suburban commuter rushing to catch their last train.
Selden had never seen her more radiant. Her vivid head, relieved against the dull tints of the crowd, made her more conspicuous than in a ball-room, and under her dark hat and veil she regained the girlish smoothness, the purity of tint, that she was beginning to lose after eleven years of late hours and indefatigable dancing. Was it really eleven years, Selden found himself wondering, and had she indeed reached the nine-and-twentieth birthday with which her rivals credited her?
Selden had never seen her looking more radiant. Her bright hair stood out against the dull colors of the crowd, making her more noticeable than in a ballroom, and under her dark hat and veil, she looked youthful and fresh again, the purity of her complexion returning after eleven years of late nights and relentless dancing. Was it really eleven years, Selden found himself wondering, and had she really turned twenty-nine, the age her rivals claimed she was?
“What luck!” she repeated. “How nice of you to come to my rescue!”
“What luck!” she said again. “How nice of you to save me!”
He responded joyfully that to do so was his mission in life, and asked what form the rescue was to take.
He replied happily that this was his life's mission, and asked what kind of rescue was needed.
“Oh, almost any—even to sitting on a bench and talking to me. One sits out a cotillion—why not sit out a train? It isn’t a bit hotter here than in Mrs. Van Osburgh’s conservatory—and some of the women are not a bit uglier.” She broke off, laughing, to explain that she had come up to town from Tuxedo, on her way to the Gus Trenors’ at Bellomont, and had missed the three-fifteen train to Rhinebeck. “And there isn’t another till half-past five.” She consulted the little jewelled watch among her laces. “Just two hours to wait. And I don’t know what to do with myself. My maid came up this morning to do some shopping for me, and was to go on to Bellomont at one o’clock, and my aunt’s house is closed, and I don’t know a soul in town.” She glanced plaintively about the station. “It IS hotter than Mrs. Van Osburgh’s, after all. If you can spare the time, do take me somewhere for a breath of air.”
“Oh, almost anything—even just sitting on a bench and talking to me. One can sit out a cotillion—so why not sit out a train? It's not any hotter here than in Mrs. Van Osburgh’s conservatory—and some of the women aren’t any less attractive.” She paused, laughing, to explain that she had come up to the city from Tuxedo, on her way to the Gus Trenors’ at Bellomont, and had missed the three-fifteen train to Rhinebeck. “And there isn’t another one until half-past five.” She checked the little jeweled watch among her laces. “Just two hours to kill. And I don’t know what to do with myself. My maid came up this morning to do some shopping for me and was supposed to go on to Bellomont at one o’clock, and my aunt’s house is closed, and I don’t know a single person in town.” She glanced around the station with a sad expression. “It IS hotter than Mrs. Van Osburgh’s, after all. If you have the time, please take me somewhere for a breath of fresh air.”
He declared himself entirely at her disposal: the adventure struck him as diverting. As a spectator, he had always enjoyed Lily Bart; and his course lay so far out of her orbit that it amused him to be drawn for a moment into the sudden intimacy which her proposal implied.
He told her he was completely at her service: the situation seemed entertaining to him. As a spectator, he had always found Lily Bart enjoyable; and since his life was so far removed from hers, he was amused to find himself temporarily pulled into the unexpected closeness that her offer suggested.
“Shall we go over to Sherry’s for a cup of tea?”
“Should we head over to Sherry’s for a cup of tea?”
She smiled assentingly, and then made a slight grimace.
She smiled in agreement and then made a slight grimace.
“So many people come up to town on a Monday—one is sure to meet a lot of bores. I’m as old as the hills, of course, and it ought not to make any difference; but if I’M old enough, you’re not,” she objected gaily. “I’m dying for tea—but isn’t there a quieter place?”
“So many people come to town on a Monday—you're bound to run into a lot of boring folks. I’m as old as the hills, of course, and it shouldn’t make a difference; but if I’m old enough, you’re not,” she said playfully. “I’m craving tea—but isn’t there a quieter spot?”
He answered her smile, which rested on him vividly. Her discretions interested him almost as much as her imprudences: he was so sure that both were part of the same carefully-elaborated plan. In judging Miss Bart, he had always made use of the “argument from design.”
He responded to her smile, which was bright and engaging. Her little secrets fascinated him almost as much as her bold choices: he was convinced that both were part of the same carefully thought-out plan. When it came to assessing Miss Bart, he always relied on the “argument from design.”
“The resources of New York are rather meagre,” he said; “but I’ll find a hansom first, and then we’ll invent something.” He led her through the throng of returning holiday-makers, past sallow-faced girls in preposterous hats, and flat-chested women struggling with paper bundles and palm-leaf fans. Was it possible that she belonged to the same race? The dinginess, the crudity of this average section of womanhood made him feel how highly specialized she was.
“The resources of New York are pretty limited,” he said; “but I’ll find a cab first, and then we’ll come up with something.” He guided her through the crowd of holiday-goers, past pale-faced girls in ridiculous hats and flat-chested women struggling with shopping bundles and palm-leaf fans. Was it possible that she was from the same background? The dullness and coarseness of this typical group of women made him realize how unique she was.
A rapid shower had cooled the air, and clouds still hung refreshingly over the moist street.
A quick rain had cooled the air, and clouds still lingered pleasantly over the wet street.
“How delicious! Let us walk a little,” she said as they emerged from the station.
“How delicious! Let’s take a short walk,” she said as they stepped out of the station.
They turned into Madison Avenue and began to stroll northward. As she moved beside him, with her long light step, Selden was conscious of taking a luxurious pleasure in her nearness: in the modelling of her little ear, the crisp upward wave of her hair—was it ever so slightly brightened by art?—and the thick planting of her straight black lashes. Everything about her was at once vigorous and exquisite, at once strong and fine. He had a confused sense that she must have cost a great deal to make, that a great many dull and ugly people must, in some mysterious way, have been sacrificed to produce her. He was aware that the qualities distinguishing her from the herd of her sex were chiefly external: as though a fine glaze of beauty and fastidiousness had been applied to vulgar clay. Yet the analogy left him unsatisfied, for a coarse texture will not take a high finish; and was it not possible that the material was fine, but that circumstance had fashioned it into a futile shape?
They turned onto Madison Avenue and started walking north. As she walked next to him with her light step, Selden felt a luxurious pleasure in being close to her: in the shape of her little ear, the crisp wave of her hair—was it just a touch enhanced by styling?—and the thick fringe of her straight black lashes. Everything about her was both strong and delicate, vibrant yet refined. He had a vague feeling that she must have taken a lot to create, that many ordinary and unremarkable people must have been sacrificed in a mysterious way to bring her into being. He realized that the qualities setting her apart from other women were mostly superficial: as if a fine layer of beauty and refinement had been added to common material. Yet that comparison didn’t satisfy him, because a rough texture can’t achieve a high polish; could it be that the underlying material was actually fine, but that circumstances had shaped it into something unremarkable?
As he reached this point in his speculations the sun came out, and her lifted parasol cut off his enjoyment. A moment or two later she paused with a sigh.
As he got to this part of his thoughts, the sun came out, and her raised parasol ruined his enjoyment. A moment later, she paused with a sigh.
“Oh, dear, I’m so hot and thirsty—and what a hideous place New York is!” She looked despairingly up and down the dreary thoroughfare. “Other cities put on their best clothes in summer, but New York seems to sit in its shirtsleeves.” Her eyes wandered down one of the side streets. “Someone has had the humanity to plant a few trees over there. Let us go into the shade.”
“Oh, man, I’m so hot and thirsty—and what a terrible place New York is!” She looked hopelessly up and down the dull street. “Other cities dress up nicely in the summer, but New York just seems to lounge around in its T-shirt and shorts.” Her gaze drifted down one of the side streets. “At least someone has had the decency to plant a few trees over there. Let’s head into the shade.”
“I am glad my street meets with your approval,” said Selden as they turned the corner.
“I’m glad you like my street,” said Selden as they turned the corner.
“Your street? Do you live here?”
“Is this your street? Do you live here?”
She glanced with interest along the new brick and limestone house-fronts, fantastically varied in obedience to the American craving for novelty, but fresh and inviting with their awnings and flower-boxes.
She looked with interest at the new brick and limestone facades, wonderfully diverse in response to the American desire for something new, but fresh and inviting with their awnings and flower boxes.
“Ah, yes—to be sure: THE BENEDICK. What a nice-looking building! I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before.” She looked across at the flat-house with its marble porch and pseudo-Georgian facade. “Which are your windows? Those with the awnings down?”
“Ah, yes—for sure: THE BENEDICK. What a nice-looking building! I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before.” She looked over at the apartment building with its marble porch and fake Georgian facade. “Which are your windows? Those with the awnings down?”
“On the top floor—yes.”
"On the top floor—yep."
“And that nice little balcony is yours? How cool it looks up there!”
“And that nice little balcony is yours? It looks awesome up there!”
He paused a moment. “Come up and see,” he suggested. “I can give you a cup of tea in no time—and you won’t meet any bores.”
He paused for a second. "Come on up and check it out," he suggested. "I can have a cup of tea ready in no time—and you won't run into any dull people."
Her colour deepened—she still had the art of blushing at the right time—but she took the suggestion as lightly as it was made.
Her cheeks turned a deeper shade—she still knew how to blush at the right moments—but she took the suggestion as casually as it was given.
“Why not? It’s too tempting—I’ll take the risk,” she declared.
“Why not? It’s too tempting—I’ll take the chance,” she said.
“Oh, I’m not dangerous,” he said in the same key. In truth, he had never liked her as well as at that moment. He knew she had accepted without afterthought: he could never be a factor in her calculations, and there was a surprise, a refreshment almost, in the spontaneity of her consent.
“Oh, I’m not dangerous,” he said in the same tone. In reality, he had never liked her more than he did at that moment. He realized she had accepted without a second thought: he could never be a part of her plans, and there was a surprise, almost a breath of fresh air, in the spontaneity of her agreement.
On the threshold he paused a moment, feeling for his latchkey.
On the doorstep, he stopped for a moment, searching for his key.
“There’s no one here; but I have a servant who is supposed to come in the mornings, and it’s just possible he may have put out the tea-things and provided some cake.”
“There’s no one here; but I have a servant who is supposed to come in the mornings, and it’s possible he may have set out the tea things and provided some cake.”
He ushered her into a slip of a hall hung with old prints. She noticed the letters and notes heaped on the table among his gloves and sticks; then she found herself in a small library, dark but cheerful, with its walls of books, a pleasantly faded Turkey rug, a littered desk and, as he had foretold, a tea-tray on a low table near the window. A breeze had sprung up, swaying inward the muslin curtains, and bringing a fresh scent of mignonette and petunias from the flower-box on the balcony.
He led her into a narrow hallway lined with old prints. She saw the letters and notes piled on the table among his gloves and walking sticks; then she entered a small library, dark yet inviting, with walls lined with books, a nicely worn Turkish rug, a messy desk, and, as he had promised, a tea tray on a low table by the window. A breeze had picked up, gently swaying the muslin curtains and carrying a fresh scent of mignonette and petunias from the flower box on the balcony.
Lily sank with a sigh into one of the shabby leather chairs.
Lily sighed as she sank into one of the worn leather chairs.
“How delicious to have a place like this all to one’s self! What a miserable thing it is to be a woman.” She leaned back in a luxury of discontent.
“How nice it is to have a place like this all to myself! What a terrible thing it is to be a woman.” She leaned back, indulging in her dissatisfaction.
Selden was rummaging in a cupboard for the cake.
Selden was searching through a cupboard for the cake.
“Even women,” he said, “have been known to enjoy the privileges of a flat.”
“Even women,” he said, “have been known to enjoy the perks of an apartment.”
“Oh, governesses—or widows. But not girls—not poor, miserable, marriageable girls!”
“Oh, governesses—or widows. But not girls—not poor, miserable, eligible girls!”
“I even know a girl who lives in a flat.”
“I even know a girl who lives in an apartment.”
She sat up in surprise. “You do?”
She sat up in surprise. “You really do?”
“I do,” he assured her, emerging from the cupboard with the sought-for cake.
“I do,” he said confidently, stepping out of the cupboard with the cake they wanted.
“Oh, I know—you mean Gerty Farish.” She smiled a little unkindly. “But I said MARRIAGEABLE—and besides, she has a horrid little place, and no maid, and such queer things to eat. Her cook does the washing and the food tastes of soap. I should hate that, you know.”
“Oh, I know—you mean Gerty Farish.” She smiled a bit unkindly. “But I said MARRIAGEABLE—and besides, she has a terrible little place, no maid, and such strange things to eat. Her cook does the laundry, and the food tastes like soap. I would hate that, you know.”
“You shouldn’t dine with her on wash-days,” said Selden, cutting the cake.
“You shouldn’t eat with her on laundry days,” said Selden, slicing the cake.
They both laughed, and he knelt by the table to light the lamp under the kettle, while she measured out the tea into a little tea-pot of green glaze. As he watched her hand, polished as a bit of old ivory, with its slender pink nails, and the sapphire bracelet slipping over her wrist, he was struck with the irony of suggesting to her such a life as his cousin Gertrude Farish had chosen. She was so evidently the victim of the civilization which had produced her, that the links of her bracelet seemed like manacles chaining her to her fate.
They both laughed, and he knelt by the table to light the lamp under the kettle, while she measured out the tea into a small green tea pot. As he watched her hand, smooth like a piece of old ivory, with its slender pink nails and the sapphire bracelet sliding over her wrist, he was struck by the irony of suggesting to her a life like the one his cousin Gertrude Farish had chosen. She was so clearly a victim of the society that created her, that the links of her bracelet looked like shackles binding her to her destiny.
She seemed to read his thought. “It was horrid of me to say that of Gerty,” she said with charming compunction. “I forgot she was your cousin. But we’re so different, you know: she likes being good, and I like being happy. And besides, she is free and I am not. If I were, I daresay I could manage to be happy even in her flat. It must be pure bliss to arrange the furniture just as one likes, and give all the horrors to the ash-man. If I could only do over my aunt’s drawing-room I know I should be a better woman.”
She seemed to sense his thoughts. “It was terrible of me to say that about Gerty,” she said with a charming sense of guilt. “I forgot she’s your cousin. But we’re so different, you know: she enjoys being good, and I enjoy being happy. Plus, she’s free and I’m not. If I were, I think I could manage to be happy even in her small flat. It must be pure joy to arrange the furniture however you like and throw all the junk to the trash collector. If I could just redo my aunt’s living room, I know I’d be a better person.”
“Is it so very bad?” he asked sympathetically.
“Is it really that bad?” he asked with sympathy.
She smiled at him across the tea-pot which she was holding up to be filled.
She smiled at him over the teapot she was holding up to be filled.
“That shows how seldom you come there. Why don’t you come oftener?”
"That shows how rarely you go there. Why don’t you go more often?"
“When I do come, it’s not to look at Mrs. Peniston’s furniture.”
“When I do come, it’s not to check out Mrs. Peniston’s furniture.”
“Nonsense,” she said. “You don’t come at all—and yet we get on so well when we meet.”
“Nonsense,” she said. “You never show up—and yet we get along so well when we do meet.”
“Perhaps that’s the reason,” he answered promptly. “I’m afraid I haven’t any cream, you know—shall you mind a slice of lemon instead?”
“Maybe that’s why,” he replied quickly. “I'm sorry, but I don’t have any cream—would you mind a slice of lemon instead?”
“I shall like it better.” She waited while he cut the lemon and dropped a thin disk into her cup. “But that is not the reason,” she insisted.
“I’ll like it better.” She waited while he sliced the lemon and dropped a thin round piece into her cup. “But that’s not the reason,” she insisted.
“The reason for what?”
“What’s the reason for that?”
“For your never coming.” She leaned forward with a shade of perplexity in her charming eyes. “I wish I knew—I wish I could make you out. Of course I know there are men who don’t like me—one can tell that at a glance. And there are others who are afraid of me: they think I want to marry them.” She smiled up at him frankly. “But I don’t think you dislike me—and you can’t possibly think I want to marry you.”
“For your never coming.” She leaned forward with a look of confusion in her charming eyes. “I wish I knew—I wish I could understand you. Of course, I know there are men who don’t like me—you can tell that right away. And there are others who are scared of me; they think I want to marry them.” She smiled up at him openly. “But I don’t think you dislike me—and you can’t seriously think I want to marry you.”
“No—I absolve you of that,” he agreed.
“No—I release you from that,” he agreed.
“Well, then——?”
“Well, then—?”
He had carried his cup to the fireplace, and stood leaning against the chimney-piece and looking down on her with an air of indolent amusement. The provocation in her eyes increased his amusement—he had not supposed she would waste her powder on such small game; but perhaps she was only keeping her hand in; or perhaps a girl of her type had no conversation but of the personal kind. At any rate, she was amazingly pretty, and he had asked her to tea and must live up to his obligations.
He brought his cup over to the fireplace and leaned against the mantel, looking down at her with a lazy sense of amusement. The challenge in her eyes only added to his enjoyment—he hadn't thought she'd bother with such trivial matters; but maybe she was just practicing her skills; or maybe a girl like her only knew how to talk about personal stuff. Either way, she was incredibly pretty, and he had invited her for tea, so he had to follow through on that.
“Well, then,” he said with a plunge, “perhaps THAT’S the reason.”
“Well, then,” he said with a dive, “maybe THAT’S the reason.”
“What?”
“Excuse me?”
“The fact that you don’t want to marry me. Perhaps I don’t regard it as such a strong inducement to go and see you.” He felt a slight shiver down his spine as he ventured this, but her laugh reassured him.
“The fact that you don’t want to marry me. Maybe I don’t see that as a big enough reason to come and visit you.” He felt a slight chill run down his spine as he said this, but her laugh eased his nerves.
“Dear Mr. Selden, that wasn’t worthy of you. It’s stupid of you to make love to me, and it isn’t like you to be stupid.” She leaned back, sipping her tea with an air so enchantingly judicial that, if they had been in her aunt’s drawing-room, he might almost have tried to disprove her deduction.
“Dear Mr. Selden, that wasn’t like you. It’s foolish of you to pursue me, and that’s not typically you.” She leaned back, sipping her tea with such a charmingly authoritative air that, if they were in her aunt’s living room, he might have actually tried to argue against her conclusion.
“Don’t you see,” she continued, “that there are men enough to say pleasant things to me, and that what I want is a friend who won’t be afraid to say disagreeable ones when I need them? Sometimes I have fancied you might be that friend—I don’t know why, except that you are neither a prig nor a bounder, and that I shouldn’t have to pretend with you or be on my guard against you.” Her voice had dropped to a note of seriousness, and she sat gazing up at him with the troubled gravity of a child.
“Can’t you see,” she went on, “that there are plenty of guys who will say nice things to me, but what I really want is a friend who isn’t scared to say tough things when I need to hear them? Sometimes I’ve thought you could be that friend—I’m not sure why, other than that you’re neither stuck-up nor a phony, and I wouldn’t have to pretend or be cautious around you.” Her voice had turned serious, and she looked up at him with the worried intensity of a child.
“You don’t know how much I need such a friend,” she said. “My aunt is full of copy-book axioms, but they were all meant to apply to conduct in the early fifties. I always feel that to live up to them would include wearing book-muslin with gigot sleeves. And the other women—my best friends—well, they use me or abuse me; but they don’t care a straw what happens to me. I’ve been about too long—people are getting tired of me; they are beginning to say I ought to marry.”
“You have no idea how much I need a friend like you,” she said. “My aunt is full of outdated sayings, but they all apply to behavior from the early fifties. I always feel that following them would mean wearing those old-fashioned muslin dresses with puffy sleeves. And the other women—my closest friends—well, they either use me or take advantage of me; but they don’t care at all about what happens to me. I’ve been around for too long—people are starting to get tired of me; they’re beginning to say I should get married.”
There was a moment’s pause, during which Selden meditated one or two replies calculated to add a momentary zest to the situation; but he rejected them in favour of the simple question: “Well, why don’t you?”
There was a brief pause, during which Selden thought of one or two replies meant to add a little excitement to the situation; but he dismissed them in favor of the simple question: “Well, why don’t you?”
She coloured and laughed. “Ah, I see you ARE a friend after all, and that is one of the disagreeable things I was asking for.”
She blushed and laughed. “Ah, I see you ARE a friend after all, and that is one of the annoying things I was asking for.”
“It wasn’t meant to be disagreeable,” he returned amicably. “Isn’t marriage your vocation? Isn’t it what you’re all brought up for?”
“It wasn’t meant to be unpleasant,” he replied kindly. “Isn’t marriage your calling? Isn’t it what you were all raised for?”
She sighed. “I suppose so. What else is there?”
She sighed. “I guess so. What else is there?”
“Exactly. And so why not take the plunge and have it over?”
“Exactly. So why not just go for it and get it done?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “You speak as if I ought to marry the first man who came along.”
She shrugged. “You talk like I should just marry the first guy who shows up.”
“I didn’t mean to imply that you are as hard put to it as that. But there must be some one with the requisite qualifications.”
“I didn’t mean to suggest that you’re struggling that much. But there has to be someone with the right qualifications.”
She shook her head wearily. “I threw away one or two good chances when I first came out—I suppose every girl does; and you know I am horribly poor—and very expensive. I must have a great deal of money.”
She shook her head tiredly. “I blew one or two good opportunities when I first got out—I guess every girl does; and you know I’m really broke—and very high maintenance. I need to have a lot of money.”
Selden had turned to reach for a cigarette-box on the mantelpiece.
Selden had turned to grab a cigarette box on the mantel.
“What’s become of Dillworth?” he asked.
“What's happened to Dillworth?” he asked.
“Oh, his mother was frightened—she was afraid I should have all the family jewels reset. And she wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t do over the drawing-room.”
“Oh, his mom was scared—she was worried I might have all the family jewels redesigned. And she wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t redo the drawing-room.”
“The very thing you are marrying for!”
“The exact reason you’re getting married for!”
“Exactly. So she packed him off to India.”
“Exactly. So she sent him off to India.”
“Hard luck—but you can do better than Dillworth.”
“Unlucky—but you can do better than Dillworth.”
He offered the box, and she took out three or four cigarettes, putting one between her lips and slipping the others into a little gold case attached to her long pearl chain.
He handed her the box, and she took out three or four cigarettes, putting one between her lips and sliding the others into a small gold case attached to her long pearl chain.
“Have I time? Just a whiff, then.” She leaned forward, holding the tip of her cigarette to his. As she did so, he noted, with a purely impersonal enjoyment, how evenly the black lashes were set in her smooth white lids, and how the purplish shade beneath them melted into the pure pallor of the cheek.
“Do I have time? Just a quick puff, then.” She leaned in, bringing the tip of her cigarette to his. As she did this, he observed, with a purely casual interest, how evenly her long black lashes framed her smooth white eyelids, and how the purplish tint underneath them blended into the flawless paleness of her cheek.
She began to saunter about the room, examining the bookshelves between the puffs of her cigarette-smoke. Some of the volumes had the ripe tints of good tooling and old morocco, and her eyes lingered on them caressingly, not with the appreciation of the expert, but with the pleasure in agreeable tones and textures that was one of her inmost susceptibilities. Suddenly her expression changed from desultory enjoyment to active conjecture, and she turned to Selden with a question.
She started to stroll around the room, looking over the bookshelves while puffing on her cigarette. Some of the books had the rich colors of good craftsmanship and old leather, and she gazed at them fondly, not as an expert but with a simple enjoyment of nice colors and textures, which was one of her deep sensitivities. Suddenly, her expression shifted from casual enjoyment to focused curiosity, and she turned to Selden with a question.
“You collect, don’t you—you know about first editions and things?”
“You collect, right? You know about first editions and stuff?”
“As much as a man may who has no money to spend. Now and then I pick up something in the rubbish heap; and I go and look on at the big sales.”
“As much as a man can who has no money to spend. Every now and then, I find something in the trash, and I go and watch the big sales.”
She had again addressed herself to the shelves, but her eyes now swept them inattentively, and he saw that she was preoccupied with a new idea.
She was again focused on the shelves, but her eyes now glanced over them absentmindedly, and he noticed that she was lost in a new thought.
“And Americana—do you collect Americana?”
"And Americana—do you collect it?"
Selden stared and laughed.
Selden stared and chuckled.
“No, that’s rather out of my line. I’m not really a collector, you see; I simply like to have good editions of the books I am fond of.”
“No, that’s not really my thing. I’m not really a collector, you know; I just like to have nice editions of the books I love.”
She made a slight grimace. “And Americana are horribly dull, I suppose?”
She made a slight grimace. “So, American things are really boring, I guess?”
“I should fancy so—except to the historian. But your real collector values a thing for its rarity. I don’t suppose the buyers of Americana sit up reading them all night—old Jefferson Gryce certainly didn’t.”
“I would imagine so—except for the historian. But a true collector appreciates something for its rarity. I don’t think the buyers of Americana stay up all night reading them—old Jefferson Gryce certainly didn’t.”
She was listening with keen attention. “And yet they fetch fabulous prices, don’t they? It seems so odd to want to pay a lot for an ugly badly-printed book that one is never going to read! And I suppose most of the owners of Americana are not historians either?”
She was listening intently. “And yet they sell for huge amounts, don’t they? It seems so weird to pay a lot for an ugly, poorly printed book that you’re never going to read! And I guess most of the people who own Americana aren’t historians either?”
“No; very few of the historians can afford to buy them. They have to use those in the public libraries or in private collections. It seems to be the mere rarity that attracts the average collector.”
“No; very few historians can afford to buy them. They have to rely on those in public libraries or private collections. It seems to be the simple rarity that draws in the typical collector.”
He had seated himself on an arm of the chair near which she was standing, and she continued to question him, asking which were the rarest volumes, whether the Jefferson Gryce collection was really considered the finest in the world, and what was the largest price ever fetched by a single volume.
He had sat down on the arm of the chair next to where she was standing, and she kept asking him questions, inquiring about the rarest books, if the Jefferson Gryce collection was truly considered the best in the world, and what the highest price ever paid for a single book was.
It was so pleasant to sit there looking up at her, as she lifted now one book and then another from the shelves, fluttering the pages between her fingers, while her drooping profile was outlined against the warm background of old bindings, that he talked on without pausing to wonder at her sudden interest in so unsuggestive a subject. But he could never be long with her without trying to find a reason for what she was doing, and as she replaced his first edition of La Bruyere and turned away from the bookcases, he began to ask himself what she had been driving at. Her next question was not of a nature to enlighten him. She paused before him with a smile which seemed at once designed to admit him to her familiarity, and to remind him of the restrictions it imposed.
It was really nice to sit there looking up at her as she picked one book after another from the shelves, flipping through the pages between her fingers, with her relaxed profile outlined against the warm backdrop of old books. He kept talking without stopping to question her sudden interest in such a dull topic. But he could never be around her for long without trying to figure out what she was up to, and as she put back his first edition of La Bruyère and turned away from the bookcase, he started wondering what her intentions were. Her next question did little to clear things up. She stopped in front of him with a smile that seemed to both invite him into her world and remind him of the boundaries it set.
“Don’t you ever mind,” she asked suddenly, “not being rich enough to buy all the books you want?”
“Don’t you ever feel bad,” she suddenly asked, “about not being rich enough to buy all the books you want?”
He followed her glance about the room, with its worn furniture and shabby walls.
He followed her gaze around the room, with its old furniture and worn walls.
“Don’t I just? Do you take me for a saint on a pillar?”
“Don’t I? Do you think I’m some kind of saint?”
“And having to work—do you mind that?”
“And having to work—does that bother you?”
“Oh, the work itself is not so bad—I’m rather fond of the law.”
“Oh, the work itself isn't too bad—I actually like the law.”
“No; but the being tied down: the routine—don’t you ever want to get away, to see new places and people?”
“No; but being tied down: the routine—don’t you ever want to escape, to explore new places and meet new people?”
“Horribly—especially when I see all my friends rushing to the steamer.”
“Horribly—especially when I see all my friends hurrying to the steamer.”
She drew a sympathetic breath. “But do you mind enough—to marry to get out of it?”
She took a sympathetic breath. “But do you care enough—to get married to escape it?”
Selden broke into a laugh. “God forbid!” he declared.
Selden burst out laughing. “Heaven forbid!” he said.
She rose with a sigh, tossing her cigarette into the grate.
She stood up with a sigh, throwing her cigarette into the fireplace.
“Ah, there’s the difference—a girl must, a man may if he chooses.” She surveyed him critically. “Your coat’s a little shabby—but who cares? It doesn’t keep people from asking you to dine. If I were shabby no one would have me: a woman is asked out as much for her clothes as for herself. The clothes are the background, the frame, if you like: they don’t make success, but they are a part of it. Who wants a dingy woman? We are expected to be pretty and well-dressed till we drop—and if we can’t keep it up alone, we have to go into partnership.”
“Ah, that’s the difference—a girl has to, a man can choose to. She looked him over critically. “Your coat’s a bit worn, but who cares? It doesn’t stop people from inviting you to dinner. If I looked shabby, no one would want to take me out: a woman is invited as much for her clothes as for who she is. The clothes are the background, the frame, if you will: they don’t create success, but they’re part of it. Who wants a drab woman? We’re expected to be attractive and well-dressed until we can’t anymore—and if we can’t manage it on our own, we have to team up.”
Selden glanced at her with amusement: it was impossible, even with her lovely eyes imploring him, to take a sentimental view of her case.
Selden looked at her with amusement: it was impossible, even with her beautiful eyes pleading with him, to see her situation in a sentimental way.
“Ah, well, there must be plenty of capital on the look-out for such an investment. Perhaps you’ll meet your fate tonight at the Trenors’.”
“Ah, well, there must be plenty of money looking for an investment like that. Maybe you'll meet your future tonight at the Trenors'.”
She returned his look interrogatively.
She looked at him questioningly.
“I thought you might be going there—oh, not in that capacity! But there are to be a lot of your set—Gwen Van Osburgh, the Wetheralls, Lady Cressida Raith—and the George Dorsets.”
“I thought you might be going there—oh, not in that way! But there are going to be a lot of your crowd—Gwen Van Osburgh, the Wetheralls, Lady Cressida Raith—and the George Dorsets.”
She paused a moment before the last name, and shot a query through her lashes; but he remained imperturbable.
She paused for a moment before the last name and shot him a questioning glance, but he stayed completely calm.
“Mrs. Trenor asked me; but I can’t get away till the end of the week; and those big parties bore me.”
“Mrs. Trenor asked me, but I can’t get away until the end of the week, and those big parties just bore me.”
“Ah, so they do me,” she exclaimed.
“Ah, so they do to me,” she exclaimed.
“Then why go?”
"Then why go for it?"
“It’s part of the business—you forget! And besides, if I didn’t, I should be playing bezique with my aunt at Richfield Springs.”
“It’s part of the job—you forget! And besides, if I didn’t, I’d be playing bezique with my aunt in Richfield Springs.”
“That’s almost as bad as marrying Dillworth,” he agreed, and they both laughed for pure pleasure in their sudden intimacy.
“That's almost as bad as marrying Dillworth,” he agreed, and they both laughed just for the joy of their newfound closeness.
She glanced at the clock.
She looked at the clock.
“Dear me! I must be off. It’s after five.”
“Wow! I really need to go. It’s after five.”
She paused before the mantelpiece, studying herself in the mirror while she adjusted her veil. The attitude revealed the long slope of her slender sides, which gave a kind of wild-wood grace to her outline—as though she were a captured dryad subdued to the conventions of the drawing-room; and Selden reflected that it was the same streak of sylvan freedom in her nature that lent such savour to her artificiality.
She paused in front of the mantelpiece, looking at herself in the mirror as she fixed her veil. The pose highlighted the gentle curve of her slim figure, giving her silhouette a sort of wild, natural elegance—as if she were a captured dryad conformed to the rules of the drawing-room; and Selden thought that it was this same hint of freedom in her character that added so much charm to her artificiality.
He followed her across the room to the entrance-hall; but on the threshold she held out her hand with a gesture of leave-taking.
He followed her across the room to the entrance hall, but at the threshold, she extended her hand in a gesture of goodbye.
“It’s been delightful; and now you will have to return my visit.”
“It’s been great; and now you need to come visit me.”
“But don’t you want me to see you to the station?”
“But don’t you want me to take you to the station?”
“No; good bye here, please.”
“No; goodbye here, please.”
She let her hand lie in his a moment, smiling up at him adorably.
She rested her hand in his for a moment, smiling up at him sweetly.
“Good bye, then—and good luck at Bellomont!” he said, opening the door for her.
“Goodbye, then—and good luck at Bellomont!” he said, opening the door for her.
On the landing she paused to look about her. There were a thousand chances to one against her meeting anybody, but one could never tell, and she always paid for her rare indiscretions by a violent reaction of prudence. There was no one in sight, however, but a char-woman who was scrubbing the stairs. Her own stout person and its surrounding implements took up so much room that Lily, to pass her, had to gather up her skirts and brush against the wall. As she did so, the woman paused in her work and looked up curiously, resting her clenched red fists on the wet cloth she had just drawn from her pail. She had a broad sallow face, slightly pitted with small-pox, and thin straw-coloured hair through which her scalp shone unpleasantly.
On the landing, she stopped to look around. The odds were a thousand to one against her running into anyone, but you never know, and she always paid for her rare moments of recklessness with intense caution. However, there was no one in sight except a cleaner who was scrubbing the stairs. Her own sturdy body and the tools around her took up so much space that Lily had to lift her skirts and brush against the wall to get past. As she did this, the woman paused her work and looked up with curiosity, resting her clenched red fists on the wet rag she had just pulled from her bucket. She had a broad, sallow face, slightly scarred from smallpox, and thin straw-colored hair that allowed her scalp to shine unappealingly.
“I beg your pardon,” said Lily, intending by her politeness to convey a criticism of the other’s manner.
"I’m sorry," said Lily, hoping her politeness would express her criticism of the other person's behavior.
The woman, without answering, pushed her pail aside, and continued to stare as Miss Bart swept by with a murmur of silken linings. Lily felt herself flushing under the look. What did the creature suppose? Could one never do the simplest, the most harmless thing, without subjecting one’s self to some odious conjecture? Half way down the next flight, she smiled to think that a char-woman’s stare should so perturb her. The poor thing was probably dazzled by such an unwonted apparition. But WERE such apparitions unwonted on Selden’s stairs? Miss Bart was not familiar with the moral code of bachelors’ flat-houses, and her colour rose again as it occurred to her that the woman’s persistent gaze implied a groping among past associations. But she put aside the thought with a smile at her own fears, and hastened downward, wondering if she should find a cab short of Fifth Avenue.
The woman, not responding, pushed her bucket aside and kept staring as Miss Bart walked by with the sound of silk rustling. Lily felt her face flush under the gaze. What was the woman thinking? Could you never do the simplest, most harmless thing without facing some unpleasant judgment? Halfway down the next flight, she smiled at the idea that a cleaner’s stare could bother her so much. The poor woman was probably taken aback by such an unusual sight. But were such sights really unusual on Selden’s stairs? Miss Bart didn’t know the moral rules of bachelor apartments, and her cheeks flushed again when she thought the woman’s unwavering stare suggested some digging into past memories. But she dismissed the thought with a smile at her own worries and hurried down, wondering if she would find a cab before reaching Fifth Avenue.
Under the Georgian porch she paused again, scanning the street for a hansom. None was in sight, but as she reached the sidewalk she ran against a small glossy-looking man with a gardenia in his coat, who raised his hat with a surprised exclamation.
Under the Georgian porch, she paused again, looking down the street for a cab. There wasn’t one in sight, but as she stepped onto the sidewalk, she bumped into a small, shiny-looking man with a gardenia in his lapel, who tipped his hat with a surprised exclamation.
“Miss Bart? Well—of all people! This IS luck,” he declared; and she caught a twinkle of amused curiosity between his screwed-up lids.
“Miss Bart? Well—of all people! This IS luck,” he said, and she noticed a spark of amused curiosity in his narrowed eyes.
“Oh, Mr. Rosedale—how are you?” she said, perceiving that the irrepressible annoyance on her face was reflected in the sudden intimacy of his smile.
“Oh, Mr. Rosedale—how are you?” she said, noticing that the undeniable annoyance on her face was mirrored in the sudden friendliness of his smile.
Mr. Rosedale stood scanning her with interest and approval. He was a plump rosy man of the blond Jewish type, with smart London clothes fitting him like upholstery, and small sidelong eyes which gave him the air of appraising people as if they were bric-a-brac. He glanced up interrogatively at the porch of the Benedick.
Mr. Rosedale stood looking at her with interest and approval. He was a plump, rosy man of the blond Jewish type, dressed in smart London clothes that fit him like upholstery, with small, angled eyes that made him seem like he was assessing people as if they were decorative items. He glanced up questioningly at the porch of the Benedick.
“Been up to town for a little shopping, I suppose?” he said, in a tone which had the familiarity of a touch.
“Been into town for some shopping, I guess?” he said, in a tone that felt as familiar as a touch.
Miss Bart shrank from it slightly, and then flung herself into precipitate explanations.
Miss Bart hesitated for a moment and then launched into hurried explanations.
“Yes—I came up to see my dress-maker. I am just on my way to catch the train to the Trenors’.”
“Yes—I came up to see my dressmaker. I'm on my way to catch the train to the Trenors’.”
“Ah—your dress-maker; just so,” he said blandly. “I didn’t know there were any dress-makers in the Benedick.”
“Ah—your dressmaker; exactly,” he said casually. “I didn’t know there were any dressmakers in the Benedick.”
“The Benedick?” She looked gently puzzled. “Is that the name of this building?”
“The Benedick?” She looked a bit confused. “Is that the name of this building?”
“Yes, that’s the name: I believe it’s an old word for bachelor, isn’t it? I happen to own the building—that’s the way I know.” His smile deepened as he added with increasing assurance: “But you must let me take you to the station. The Trenors are at Bellomont, of course? You’ve barely time to catch the five-forty. The dress-maker kept you waiting, I suppose.”
“Yes, that’s the name: I think it’s an old term for bachelor, right? I actually own the building—that's how I know.” His smile widened as he added with growing confidence: “But you have to let me take you to the station. The Trenors are at Bellomont, right? You barely have time to catch the five-forty. I guess the dressmaker kept you waiting.”
Lily stiffened under the pleasantry.
Lily tensed at the small talk.
“Oh, thanks,” she stammered; and at that moment her eye caught a hansom drifting down Madison Avenue, and she hailed it with a desperate gesture.
“Oh, thanks,” she said awkwardly; and just then, her eye spotted a cab rolling down Madison Avenue, and she waved it down with a frantic gesture.
“You’re very kind; but I couldn’t think of troubling you,” she said, extending her hand to Mr. Rosedale; and heedless of his protestations, she sprang into the rescuing vehicle, and called out a breathless order to the driver.
“You’re really sweet; but I can’t think of bothering you,” she said, reaching out to Mr. Rosedale; and ignoring his objections, she jumped into the rescue vehicle and shouted a hurried command to the driver.
Chapter 2
In the hansom she leaned back with a sigh. Why must a girl pay so dearly for her least escape from routine? Why could one never do a natural thing without having to screen it behind a structure of artifice? She had yielded to a passing impulse in going to Lawrence Selden’s rooms, and it was so seldom that she could allow herself the luxury of an impulse! This one, at any rate, was going to cost her rather more than she could afford. She was vexed to see that, in spite of so many years of vigilance, she had blundered twice within five minutes. That stupid story about her dress-maker was bad enough—it would have been so simple to tell Rosedale that she had been taking tea with Selden! The mere statement of the fact would have rendered it innocuous. But, after having let herself be surprised in a falsehood, it was doubly stupid to snub the witness of her discomfiture. If she had had the presence of mind to let Rosedale drive her to the station, the concession might have purchased his silence. He had his race’s accuracy in the appraisal of values, and to be seen walking down the platform at the crowded afternoon hour in the company of Miss Lily Bart would have been money in his pocket, as he might himself have phrased it. He knew, of course, that there would be a large house-party at Bellomont, and the possibility of being taken for one of Mrs. Trenor’s guests was doubtless included in his calculations. Mr. Rosedale was still at a stage in his social ascent when it was of importance to produce such impressions.
In the cab, she leaned back with a sigh. Why does a girl have to pay so much for a little break from routine? Why can’t she do something natural without having to hide it behind some artifice? She had acted on a sudden impulse by visiting Lawrence Selden’s apartment, and it felt like such a rare treat to allow herself an impulse! But this one was going to end up costing her more than she could afford. She was frustrated to realize that, despite years of caution, she had messed up twice in just five minutes. That ridiculous story about her dressmaker was bad enough—it would have been so easy to tell Rosedale that she’d been having tea with Selden! Simply stating the fact would have made it harmless. But after allowing herself to be caught in a lie, it was even more foolish to dismiss the witness to her embarrassment. If she had been clever enough to let Rosedale take her to the station, that gesture could have bought his silence. He had the keen insight of his kind when it came to valuing things, and being seen walking down the platform during the busy afternoon with Miss Lily Bart would have been advantageous for him, as he might put it. He knew, of course, that there would be a big house party at Bellomont, and being mistaken for one of Mrs. Trenor’s guests was likely part of his calculations. Mr. Rosedale was still at a point in his social climb where making such impressions was important.
The provoking part was that Lily knew all this—knew how easy it would have been to silence him on the spot, and how difficult it might be to do so afterward. Mr. Simon Rosedale was a man who made it his business to know everything about every one, whose idea of showing himself to be at home in society was to display an inconvenient familiarity with the habits of those with whom he wished to be thought intimate. Lily was sure that within twenty-four hours the story of her visiting her dress-maker at the Benedick would be in active circulation among Mr. Rosedale’s acquaintances. The worst of it was that she had always snubbed and ignored him. On his first appearance—when her improvident cousin, Jack Stepney, had obtained for him (in return for favours too easily guessed) a card to one of the vast impersonal Van Osburgh “crushes”—Rosedale, with that mixture of artistic sensibility and business astuteness which characterizes his race, had instantly gravitated toward Miss Bart. She understood his motives, for her own course was guided by as nice calculations. Training and experience had taught her to be hospitable to newcomers, since the most unpromising might be useful later on, and there were plenty of available OUBLIETTES to swallow them if they were not. But some intuitive repugnance, getting the better of years of social discipline, had made her push Mr. Rosedale into his OUBLIETTE without a trial. He had left behind only the ripple of amusement which his speedy despatch had caused among her friends; and though later (to shift the metaphor) he reappeared lower down the stream, it was only in fleeting glimpses, with long submergences between.
The frustrating part was that Lily knew all of this—knew how easy it would have been to shut him up right then, and how hard it might be to do it later. Mr. Simon Rosedale was someone who made it his mission to know everything about everyone, and his idea of fitting into society was to show a bothersome familiarity with the habits of those he wanted to be close to. Lily was sure that within twenty-four hours, the story of her visiting her dressmaker at the Benedick would be eagerly shared among Rosedale's acquaintances. The worst part was that she had always snubbed and ignored him. When he first showed up—thanks to her reckless cousin, Jack Stepney, who had secured him a card to one of the enormous impersonal Van Osburgh "crushes" in exchange for favors that were too obvious—Rosedale, with that blend of artistic sensitivity and business savvy typical of his background, had immediately gravitated toward Miss Bart. She understood his motives, as her own actions were guided by careful calculations. Her training and experience had taught her to be welcoming to newcomers, since even the most unlikely ones could be useful later on, and there were plenty of available OUBLIETTES to dispose of them if they weren’t. But some instinctive aversion, overtaking years of social conditioning, had made her shove Mr. Rosedale into his OUBLIETTE without giving him a chance. He had only left behind the ripple of amusement caused by his quick dismissal among her friends; and though later (to change the metaphor) he came back into view lower down the stream, it was only in brief flashes, with long periods of absence in between.
Hitherto Lily had been undisturbed by scruples. In her little set Mr. Rosedale had been pronounced “impossible,” and Jack Stepney roundly snubbed for his attempt to pay his debts in dinner invitations. Even Mrs. Trenor, whose taste for variety had led her into some hazardous experiments, resisted Jack’s attempts to disguise Mr. Rosedale as a novelty, and declared that he was the same little Jew who had been served up and rejected at the social board a dozen times within her memory; and while Judy Trenor was obdurate there was small chance of Mr. Rosedale’s penetrating beyond the outer limbo of the Van Osburgh crushes. Jack gave up the contest with a laughing “You’ll see,” and, sticking manfully to his guns, showed himself with Rosedale at the fashionable restaurants, in company with the personally vivid if socially obscure ladies who are available for such purposes. But the attempt had hitherto been vain, and as Rosedale undoubtedly paid for the dinners, the laugh remained with his debtor.
Until now, Lily hadn't been bothered by any doubts. In her social circle, Mr. Rosedale was deemed "impossible," and Jack Stepney was sharply criticized for trying to pay off his debts with dinner invitations. Even Mrs. Trenor, whose desire for variety had led her into risky choices, rejected Jack's attempts to present Mr. Rosedale as something new, stating he was the same little Jewish man who had been brought up and turned down at social events multiple times in her memory; and as long as Judy Trenor was firm in her stance, there was little hope of Mr. Rosedale breaking through the outer circle of the Van Osburgh gatherings. Jack gave in to the challenge with a laughing "You’ll see," and, sticking firmly to his decision, he appeared with Rosedale at trendy restaurants, accompanied by the striking but socially low-profile women who were available for such occasions. However, the attempts had so far been futile, and since Rosedale undoubtedly footed the bill for the dinners, the joke remained on his debtor.
Mr. Rosedale, it will be seen, was thus far not a factor to be feared—unless one put one’s self in his power. And this was precisely what Miss Bart had done. Her clumsy fib had let him see that she had something to conceal; and she was sure he had a score to settle with her. Something in his smile told her he had not forgotten. She turned from the thought with a little shiver, but it hung on her all the way to the station, and dogged her down the platform with the persistency of Mr. Rosedale himself.
Mr. Rosedale, as it turned out, wasn’t someone to be afraid of—unless you let him have power over you. And that’s exactly what Miss Bart had done. Her awkward lie revealed to him that she was hiding something, and she was certain he wanted revenge. Something about his smile made her feel he hadn’t forgotten. She tried to shake off the thought with a small shiver, but it clung to her all the way to the station and followed her down the platform with the same persistence as Mr. Rosedale himself.
She had just time to take her seat before the train started; but having arranged herself in her corner with the instinctive feeling for effect which never forsook her, she glanced about in the hope of seeing some other member of the Trenors’ party. She wanted to get away from herself, and conversation was the only means of escape that she knew.
She barely made it to her seat before the train took off; but after settling into her spot with her usual flair for making an impression, she looked around, hoping to spot someone else from the Trenor group. She needed to escape from her own thoughts, and chatting was the only way she knew how.
Her search was rewarded by the discovery of a very blond young man with a soft reddish beard, who, at the other end of the carriage, appeared to be dissembling himself behind an unfolded newspaper. Lily’s eye brightened, and a faint smile relaxed the drawn lines of her mouth. She had known that Mr. Percy Gryce was to be at Bellomont, but she had not counted on the luck of having him to herself in the train; and the fact banished all perturbing thoughts of Mr. Rosedale. Perhaps, after all, the day was to end more favourably than it had begun.
Her search paid off when she spotted a very blond young man with a soft reddish beard, who was sitting at the other end of the carriage, trying to hide behind an unfolded newspaper. Lily's eyes lit up, and a faint smile softened the tense lines of her mouth. She knew that Mr. Percy Gryce would be at Bellomont, but she hadn’t expected the chance to have him all to herself on the train; this thought pushed away any troubling thoughts of Mr. Rosedale. Maybe, after all, the day would end better than it had started.
She began to cut the pages of a novel, tranquilly studying her prey through downcast lashes while she organized a method of attack. Something in his attitude of conscious absorption told her that he was aware of her presence: no one had ever been quite so engrossed in an evening paper! She guessed that he was too shy to come up to her, and that she would have to devise some means of approach which should not appear to be an advance on her part. It amused her to think that any one as rich as Mr. Percy Gryce should be shy; but she was gifted with treasures of indulgence for such idiosyncrasies, and besides, his timidity might serve her purpose better than too much assurance. She had the art of giving self-confidence to the embarrassed, but she was not equally sure of being able to embarrass the self-confident.
She started to cut the pages of a novel, calmly studying her target through lowered lashes while she planned her approach. Something about his focused demeanor suggested he was aware of her presence: no one could be so absorbed in an evening paper! She guessed he was too shy to come over, and that she needed to come up with a way to approach him that wouldn’t seem like an overt move on her part. It amused her to think that someone as wealthy as Mr. Percy Gryce could be shy; but she had plenty of patience for such quirks, and besides, his shyness might actually work to her advantage more than overconfidence would. She had a talent for boosting the confidence of the awkward, but she wasn't as sure she could make the self-assured feel uncomfortable.
She waited till the train had emerged from the tunnel and was racing between the ragged edges of the northern suburbs. Then, as it lowered its speed near Yonkers, she rose from her seat and drifted slowly down the carriage. As she passed Mr. Gryce, the train gave a lurch, and he was aware of a slender hand gripping the back of his chair. He rose with a start, his ingenuous face looking as though it had been dipped in crimson: even the reddish tint in his beard seemed to deepen. The train swayed again, almost flinging Miss Bart into his arms.
She waited until the train came out of the tunnel and was speeding through the rough edges of the northern suburbs. Then, as it slowed down near Yonkers, she got up from her seat and walked slowly down the carriage. As she passed Mr. Gryce, the train jolted, and he felt a slender hand gripping the back of his chair. He jumped up in surprise, his innocent face looking like it had been dipped in red: even the reddish tint in his beard seemed to darken. The train swayed again, nearly throwing Miss Bart into his arms.
She steadied herself with a laugh and drew back; but he was enveloped in the scent of her dress, and his shoulder had felt her fugitive touch.
She composed herself with a laugh and stepped back; but he was surrounded by the fragrance of her dress, and his shoulder had experienced her fleeting touch.
“Oh, Mr. Gryce, is it you? I’m so sorry—I was trying to find the porter and get some tea.”
“Oh, Mr. Gryce, is that you? I’m really sorry—I was looking for the porter to get some tea.”
She held out her hand as the train resumed its level rush, and they stood exchanging a few words in the aisle. Yes—he was going to Bellomont. He had heard she was to be of the party—he blushed again as he admitted it. And was he to be there for a whole week? How delightful!
She extended her hand as the train picked up speed again, and they stood chatting for a moment in the aisle. Yes—he was headed to Bellomont. He had heard she would be part of the group—he blushed again as he said it. And was he going to be there for an entire week? How wonderful!
But at this point one or two belated passengers from the last station forced their way into the carriage, and Lily had to retreat to her seat.
But at this point, one or two late passengers from the last station pushed their way into the carriage, and Lily had to go back to her seat.
“The chair next to mine is empty—do take it,” she said over her shoulder; and Mr. Gryce, with considerable embarrassment, succeeded in effecting an exchange which enabled him to transport himself and his bags to her side.
“The chair next to mine is empty—please take it,” she said over her shoulder; and Mr. Gryce, feeling quite embarrassed, managed to switch seats so he could move himself and his bags to her side.
“Ah—and here is the porter, and perhaps we can have some tea.”
“Ah—and here’s the porter, and maybe we can have some tea.”
She signalled to that official, and in a moment, with the ease that seemed to attend the fulfilment of all her wishes, a little table had been set up between the seats, and she had helped Mr. Gryce to bestow his encumbering properties beneath it.
She signaled to the official, and in no time, with the effortless grace that seemed to accompany the realization of all her desires, a small table was set up between the seats, and she assisted Mr. Gryce in placing his bulky items underneath it.
When the tea came he watched her in silent fascination while her hands flitted above the tray, looking miraculously fine and slender in contrast to the coarse china and lumpy bread. It seemed wonderful to him that any one should perform with such careless ease the difficult task of making tea in public in a lurching train. He would never have dared to order it for himself, lest he should attract the notice of his fellow-passengers; but, secure in the shelter of her conspicuousness, he sipped the inky draught with a delicious sense of exhilaration.
When the tea arrived, he watched her in quiet fascination as her hands moved gracefully over the tray, looking surprisingly delicate against the rough china and lumpy bread. He found it amazing that someone could so effortlessly handle the tricky job of making tea in a bumpy train. He would never have dared to order it for himself, afraid of drawing attention from the other passengers; but, feeling safe in her noticeable presence, he sipped the dark brew with a wonderful sense of excitement.
Lily, with the flavour of Selden’s caravan tea on her lips, had no great fancy to drown it in the railway brew which seemed such nectar to her companion; but, rightly judging that one of the charms of tea is the fact of drinking it together, she proceeded to give the last touch to Mr. Gryce’s enjoyment by smiling at him across her lifted cup.
Lily, with the taste of Selden’s caravan tea on her lips, wasn’t really keen on ruining it with the railway tea that her companion found so delightful; but understanding that one of the joys of tea is sharing it together, she decided to enhance Mr. Gryce’s experience by smiling at him over her raised cup.
“Is it quite right—I haven’t made it too strong?” she asked solicitously; and he replied with conviction that he had never tasted better tea.
“Is this okay—I didn’t make it too strong, did I?” she asked caring-ly; and he confidently replied that he had never tasted better tea.
“I daresay it is true,” she reflected; and her imagination was fired by the thought that Mr. Gryce, who might have sounded the depths of the most complex self-indulgence, was perhaps actually taking his first journey alone with a pretty woman.
“I believe that’s true,” she thought; and her imagination was ignited by the idea that Mr. Gryce, who could have explored the depths of the most complicated self-indulgence, was possibly taking his first trip alone with an attractive woman.
It struck her as providential that she should be the instrument of his initiation. Some girls would not have known how to manage him. They would have over-emphasized the novelty of the adventure, trying to make him feel in it the zest of an escapade. But Lily’s methods were more delicate. She remembered that her cousin Jack Stepney had once defined Mr. Gryce as the young man who had promised his mother never to go out in the rain without his overshoes; and acting on this hint, she resolved to impart a gently domestic air to the scene, in the hope that her companion, instead of feeling that he was doing something reckless or unusual, would merely be led to dwell on the advantage of always having a companion to make one’s tea in the train.
It seemed lucky to her that she would be the one to initiate him. Some girls wouldn’t have known how to handle him. They would have focused too much on the excitement of the adventure, trying to make him feel like he was part of a thrilling escapade. But Lily’s approach was more subtle. She recalled that her cousin Jack Stepney had once described Mr. Gryce as the young man who had promised his mother never to go out in the rain without his overshoes; and taking this clue, she decided to create a cozy atmosphere for the moment, hoping that her companion, instead of feeling he was doing something wild or out of the ordinary, would simply start to appreciate the benefit of having someone to make tea for him on the train.
But in spite of her efforts, conversation flagged after the tray had been removed, and she was driven to take a fresh measurement of Mr. Gryce’s limitations. It was not, after all, opportunity but imagination that he lacked: he had a mental palate which would never learn to distinguish between railway tea and nectar. There was, however, one topic she could rely on: one spring that she had only to touch to set his simple machinery in motion. She had refrained from touching it because it was a last resource, and she had relied on other arts to stimulate other sensations; but as a settled look of dulness began to creep over his candid features, she saw that extreme measures were necessary.
But despite her efforts, the conversation fizzled out after the tray was taken away, and she had to reassess Mr. Gryce's limitations. It wasn’t really opportunity that he lacked, but imagination; he had a mental palate that would never be able to tell the difference between railway tea and nectar. However, there was one topic she knew would definitely get him going: just mentioning it was enough to set his simple mind in motion. She had held back from bringing it up because it was a last resort, relying on other methods to spark different reactions; but as a dull look started to settle on his honest face, she realized that drastic measures were needed.
“And how,” she said, leaning forward, “are you getting on with your Americana?”
“And how,” she said, leaning forward, “are you doing with your Americana?”
His eye became a degree less opaque: it was as though an incipient film had been removed from it, and she felt the pride of a skilful operator.
His eye became a little less dull: it was like a faint film had been taken off, and she felt the pride of a skilled operator.
“I’ve got a few new things,” he said, suffused with pleasure, but lowering his voice as though he feared his fellow-passengers might be in league to despoil him.
“I've got a few new things,” he said, filled with joy, but he lowered his voice as if he was afraid his fellow passengers might be plotting to take them from him.
She returned a sympathetic enquiry, and gradually he was drawn on to talk of his latest purchases. It was the one subject which enabled him to forget himself, or allowed him, rather, to remember himself without constraint, because he was at home in it, and could assert a superiority that there were few to dispute. Hardly any of his acquaintances cared for Americana, or knew anything about them; and the consciousness of this ignorance threw Mr. Gryce’s knowledge into agreeable relief. The only difficulty was to introduce the topic and to keep it to the front; most people showed no desire to have their ignorance dispelled, and Mr. Gryce was like a merchant whose warehouses are crammed with an unmarketable commodity.
She asked a sympathetic question, and gradually he was encouraged to talk about his latest purchases. It was the only topic that allowed him to forget himself or, more accurately, to remember himself freely because he was comfortable with it and could assert a superiority that few would challenge. Hardly any of his friends cared about Americana or knew anything about it; this ignorance made Mr. Gryce’s knowledge stand out pleasantly. The only challenge was bringing up the subject and keeping it going; most people showed no interest in having their ignorance highlighted, and Mr. Gryce felt like a merchant whose stores are packed with goods no one wants to buy.
But Miss Bart, it appeared, really did want to know about Americana; and moreover, she was already sufficiently informed to make the task of farther instruction as easy as it was agreeable. She questioned him intelligently, she heard him submissively; and, prepared for the look of lassitude which usually crept over his listeners’ faces, he grew eloquent under her receptive gaze. The “points” she had had the presence of mind to glean from Selden, in anticipation of this very contingency, were serving her to such good purpose that she began to think her visit to him had been the luckiest incident of the day. She had once more shown her talent for profiting by the unexpected, and dangerous theories as to the advisability of yielding to impulse were germinating under the surface of smiling attention which she continued to present to her companion.
But Miss Bart really wanted to know about Americana, and she was already knowledgeable enough that teaching her was both easy and enjoyable. She asked him insightful questions and listened attentively, which made him more animated under her engaged expression. The "points" she had cleverly picked up from Selden in preparation for this exact situation were proving to be very useful, leading her to think that her visit had been the best part of her day. Once again, she had demonstrated her ability to take advantage of unexpected opportunities, and the risky idea of giving in to her impulses was starting to take root beneath the friendly attention she continued to show her companion.
Mr. Gryce’s sensations, if less definite, were equally agreeable. He felt the confused titillation with which the lower organisms welcome the gratification of their needs, and all his senses floundered in a vague well-being, through which Miss Bart’s personality was dimly but pleasantly perceptible.
Mr. Gryce's feelings, while less clear, were just as pleasant. He experienced the mixed excitement that lower beings feel when their needs are met, and all his senses swam in a vague sense of well-being, through which Miss Bart's personality was subtly but enjoyably noticeable.
Mr. Gryce’s interest in Americana had not originated with himself: it was impossible to think of him as evolving any taste of his own. An uncle had left him a collection already noted among bibliophiles; the existence of the collection was the only fact that had ever shed glory on the name of Gryce, and the nephew took as much pride in his inheritance as though it had been his own work. Indeed, he gradually came to regard it as such, and to feel a sense of personal complacency when he chanced on any reference to the Gryce Americana. Anxious as he was to avoid personal notice, he took, in the printed mention of his name, a pleasure so exquisite and excessive that it seemed a compensation for his shrinking from publicity.
Mr. Gryce's interest in Americana didn't come from him; it was hard to imagine him developing any taste of his own. An uncle had left him a collection that was well-known among book lovers; the existence of this collection was the only thing that ever brought any prestige to the Gryce name, and the nephew felt as proud of his inheritance as if he had created it himself. In fact, he started to see it that way and felt a personal satisfaction whenever he came across any mention of the Gryce Americana. Although he was eager to avoid the spotlight, he found a pleasure in seeing his name printed that was so intense and overwhelming it felt like a reward for his desire to stay out of public attention.
To enjoy the sensation as often as possible, he subscribed to all the reviews dealing with book-collecting in general, and American history in particular, and as allusions to his library abounded in the pages of these journals, which formed his only reading, he came to regard himself as figuring prominently in the public eye, and to enjoy the thought of the interest which would be excited if the persons he met in the street, or sat among in travelling, were suddenly to be told that he was the possessor of the Gryce Americana.
To experience that feeling as often as he could, he subscribed to all the magazines about book collecting in general, and American history specifically. Since references to his library were plentiful in these journals, which made up his only reading, he started to see himself as a notable figure in the public eye. He relished the idea of the curiosity that would arise if people he encountered on the street or sat next to while traveling suddenly learned that he owned the Gryce Americana.
Most timidities have such secret compensations, and Miss Bart was discerning enough to know that the inner vanity is generally in proportion to the outer self-depreciation. With a more confident person she would not have dared to dwell so long on one topic, or to show such exaggerated interest in it; but she had rightly guessed that Mr. Gryce’s egoism was a thirsty soil, requiring constant nurture from without. Miss Bart had the gift of following an undercurrent of thought while she appeared to be sailing on the surface of conversation; and in this case her mental excursion took the form of a rapid survey of Mr. Percy Gryce’s future as combined with her own. The Gryces were from Albany, and but lately introduced to the metropolis, where the mother and son had come, after old Jefferson Gryce’s death, to take possession of his house in Madison Avenue—an appalling house, all brown stone without and black walnut within, with the Gryce library in a fire-proof annex that looked like a mausoleum. Lily, however, knew all about them: young Mr. Gryce’s arrival had fluttered the maternal breasts of New York, and when a girl has no mother to palpitate for her she must needs be on the alert for herself. Lily, therefore, had not only contrived to put herself in the young man’s way, but had made the acquaintance of Mrs. Gryce, a monumental woman with the voice of a pulpit orator and a mind preoccupied with the iniquities of her servants, who came sometimes to sit with Mrs. Peniston and learn from that lady how she managed to prevent the kitchen-maid’s smuggling groceries out of the house. Mrs. Gryce had a kind of impersonal benevolence: cases of individual need she regarded with suspicion, but she subscribed to Institutions when their annual reports showed an impressive surplus. Her domestic duties were manifold, for they extended from furtive inspections of the servants’ bedrooms to unannounced descents to the cellar; but she had never allowed herself many pleasures. Once, however, she had had a special edition of the Sarum Rule printed in rubric and presented to every clergyman in the diocese; and the gilt album in which their letters of thanks were pasted formed the chief ornament of her drawing-room table.
Most insecurities have hidden compensations, and Miss Bart was perceptive enough to recognize that inner pride often correlates with outer self-deprecation. With someone more self-assured, she wouldn’t have dared to linger on a single topic or to express such exaggerated interest; but she correctly guessed that Mr. Gryce’s egoism was a needy ground that required constant external attention. Miss Bart had the ability to follow a deeper thread of thought while seeming to float on the surface of conversation; in this case, her mental journey involved a quick assessment of Mr. Percy Gryce’s future alongside her own. The Gryces were from Albany and had recently moved to the city, where mother and son came to take over the house on Madison Avenue after the death of old Jefferson Gryce—an imposing house, all brownstone on the outside and black walnut on the inside, with the Gryce library housed in a fireproof annex that resembled a mausoleum. Lily, however, was well-informed about them: young Mr. Gryce’s arrival had caused quite a stir among the mothers of New York, and when a girl doesn’t have a mother to advocate for her, she must look out for herself. Thus, Lily had not only managed to place herself in the young man’s path but had also gotten to know Mrs. Gryce, a formidable woman with the voice of a preacher and a mind preoccupied with the wrongdoings of her servants, who sometimes visited Mrs. Peniston to learn how that lady managed to prevent the kitchen maid from stealing groceries. Mrs. Gryce had a certain impersonal generosity: she viewed cases of individual need with skepticism but contributed to institutions when their annual reports showed a significant surplus. Her household duties were numerous, extending from secret inspections of the servants’ rooms to surprise visits to the cellar; however, she had never allowed herself many pleasures. Once, though, she had commissioned a special edition of the Sarum Rule printed in red ink and given to every clergyman in the diocese; the gilded album containing their letters of thanks was the main ornament on her drawing-room table.
Percy had been brought up in the principles which so excellent a woman was sure to inculcate. Every form of prudence and suspicion had been grafted on a nature originally reluctant and cautious, with the result that it would have seemed hardly needful for Mrs. Gryce to extract his promise about the overshoes, so little likely was he to hazard himself abroad in the rain. After attaining his majority, and coming into the fortune which the late Mr. Gryce had made out of a patent device for excluding fresh air from hotels, the young man continued to live with his mother in Albany; but on Jefferson Gryce’s death, when another large property passed into her son’s hands, Mrs. Gryce thought that what she called his “interests” demanded his presence in New York. She accordingly installed herself in the Madison Avenue house, and Percy, whose sense of duty was not inferior to his mother’s, spent all his week days in the handsome Broad Street office where a batch of pale men on small salaries had grown grey in the management of the Gryce estate, and where he was initiated with becoming reverence into every detail of the art of accumulation.
Percy had been raised with the values that such an outstanding woman would definitely instill. Every kind of caution and skepticism had been ingrained in his naturally reluctant and careful nature, making it seem almost unnecessary for Mrs. Gryce to get his promise about the overshoes, as he was very unlikely to risk going outside in the rain. After he turned 18 and inherited the fortune that the late Mr. Gryce made from a patent for keeping fresh air out of hotels, the young man continued to live with his mother in Albany. However, after Jefferson Gryce passed away, and another large property transferred to his son, Mrs. Gryce believed that what she called his “interests” required him to be in New York. So, she moved into the Madison Avenue house, and Percy, whose sense of duty matched his mother’s, spent all his weekdays in the impressive Broad Street office where a group of tired men on low salaries had grown old managing the Gryce estate, and where he was respectfully initiated into every detail of the art of making money.
As far as Lily could learn, this had hitherto been Mr. Gryce’s only occupation, and she might have been pardoned for thinking it not too hard a task to interest a young man who had been kept on such low diet. At any rate, she felt herself so completely in command of the situation that she yielded to a sense of security in which all fear of Mr. Rosedale, and of the difficulties on which that fear was contingent, vanished beyond the edge of thought.
As far as Lily could tell, this had been Mr. Gryce’s only job up until now, and she could be forgiven for thinking it wouldn't be too difficult to engage a young man who had been given such little exposure. In any case, she felt so completely in control of the situation that she let herself relax, and all her worries about Mr. Rosedale and the complications tied to that fear faded away.
The stopping of the train at Garrisons would not have distracted her from these thoughts, had she not caught a sudden look of distress in her companion’s eye. His seat faced toward the door, and she guessed that he had been perturbed by the approach of an acquaintance; a fact confirmed by the turning of heads and general sense of commotion which her own entrance into a railway-carriage was apt to produce.
The train stopping at Garrisons wouldn't have distracted her from her thoughts if she hadn't noticed a sudden look of worry in her companion’s eye. His seat faced the door, and she figured he was unsettled by the arrival of someone he knew; this was confirmed by the turning of heads and the general buzz that her entering the train carriage usually caused.
She knew the symptoms at once, and was not surprised to be hailed by the high notes of a pretty woman, who entered the train accompanied by a maid, a bull-terrier, and a footman staggering under a load of bags and dressing-cases.
She recognized the symptoms right away and wasn't surprised when a striking woman stepped onto the train, accompanied by a maid, a bull terrier, and a footman struggling under a pile of bags and suitcases.
“Oh, Lily—are you going to Bellomont? Then you can’t let me have your seat, I suppose? But I MUST have a seat in this carriage—porter, you must find me a place at once. Can’t some one be put somewhere else? I want to be with my friends. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Gryce? Do please make him understand that I must have a seat next to you and Lily.”
“Oh, Lily—are you going to Bellomont? Then I guess you can’t give me your seat, huh? But I really need a spot in this carriage—porter, you have to find me a seat right away. Can’t someone be moved somewhere else? I want to be with my friends. Oh, hi, Mr. Gryce! Please help him see that I need to sit next to you and Lily.”
Mrs. George Dorset, regardless of the mild efforts of a traveller with a carpet-bag, who was doing his best to make room for her by getting out of the train, stood in the middle of the aisle, diffusing about her that general sense of exasperation which a pretty woman on her travels not infrequently creates.
Mrs. George Dorset, despite the gentle attempts of a traveler with a suitcase, who was trying his best to make room for her by exiting the train, stood in the middle of the aisle, radiating that common sense of irritation that a charming woman on her journey often brings about.
She was smaller and thinner than Lily Bart, with a restless pliability of pose, as if she could have been crumpled up and run through a ring, like the sinuous draperies she affected. Her small pale face seemed the mere setting of a pair of dark exaggerated eyes, of which the visionary gaze contrasted curiously with her self-assertive tone and gestures; so that, as one of her friends observed, she was like a disembodied spirit who took up a great deal of room.
She was smaller and thinner than Lily Bart, with a restless flexibility in her posture, almost as if she could be crumpled up and passed through a ring, like the flowing fabrics she favored. Her small pale face seemed like just a backdrop for a pair of dark, expressive eyes, whose dreamy look contrasted strangely with her confident tone and gestures; so that, as one of her friends noted, she seemed like a disembodied spirit who occupied a lot of space.
Having finally discovered that the seat adjoining Miss Bart’s was at her disposal, she possessed herself of it with a farther displacement of her surroundings, explaining meanwhile that she had come across from Mount Kisco in her motor-car that morning, and had been kicking her heels for an hour at Garrisons, without even the alleviation of a cigarette, her brute of a husband having neglected to replenish her case before they parted that morning.
Having finally realized that the seat next to Miss Bart was available, she took it while making herself comfortable, explaining that she had driven over from Mount Kisco in her car that morning and had been waiting for an hour at Garrisons, without even a cigarette to ease the boredom, since her awful husband forgot to refill her case before they left that morning.
“And at this hour of the day I don’t suppose you’ve a single one left, have you, Lily?” she plaintively concluded.
“And at this time of day, I don’t think you have even one left, do you, Lily?” she said sadly.
Miss Bart caught the startled glance of Mr. Percy Gryce, whose own lips were never defiled by tobacco.
Miss Bart noticed the surprised look from Mr. Percy Gryce, whose lips were never stained by tobacco.
“What an absurd question, Bertha!” she exclaimed, blushing at the thought of the store she had laid in at Lawrence Selden’s.
“What an absurd question, Bertha!” she exclaimed, blushing at the thought of the stock she had gotten at Lawrence Selden’s.
“Why, don’t you smoke? Since when have you given it up? What—you never—— And you don’t either, Mr. Gryce? Ah, of course—how stupid of me—I understand.”
“Why, don’t you smoke? When did you give it up? What—you never— And you don’t either, Mr. Gryce? Ah, of course—how silly of me—I get it.”
And Mrs. Dorset leaned back against her travelling cushions with a smile which made Lily wish there had been no vacant seat beside her own.
And Mrs. Dorset leaned back against her travel cushions with a smile that made Lily wish there hadn't been an empty seat next to hers.
Chapter 3
Bridge at Bellomont usually lasted till the small hours; and when Lily went to bed that night she had played too long for her own good.
Bridge at Bellomont usually went on until the early hours; and when Lily went to bed that night, she had played too long for her own good.
Feeling no desire for the self-communion which awaited her in her room, she lingered on the broad stairway, looking down into the hall below, where the last card-players were grouped about the tray of tall glasses and silver-collared decanters which the butler had just placed on a low table near the fire.
Feeling no urge for the quiet reflection that awaited her in her room, she stayed on the wide staircase, looking down at the hall below, where the last card players were gathered around the tray of tall glasses and silver-collared decanters that the butler had just set on a low table near the fire.
The hall was arcaded, with a gallery supported on columns of pale yellow marble. Tall clumps of flowering plants were grouped against a background of dark foliage in the angles of the walls. On the crimson carpet a deer-hound and two or three spaniels dozed luxuriously before the fire, and the light from the great central lantern overhead shed a brightness on the women’s hair and struck sparks from their jewels as they moved.
The hall had an arcade, with a gallery held up by columns of pale yellow marble. Lush clusters of flowering plants were arranged against a backdrop of dark leaves in the corners of the walls. On the crimson carpet, a deer-hound and a couple of spaniels lounged comfortably in front of the fire, while the light from the large central lantern above brightened the women’s hair and made their jewelry sparkle as they moved.
There were moments when such scenes delighted Lily, when they gratified her sense of beauty and her craving for the external finish of life; there were others when they gave a sharper edge to the meagreness of her own opportunities. This was one of the moments when the sense of contrast was uppermost, and she turned away impatiently as Mrs. George Dorset, glittering in serpentine spangles, drew Percy Gryce in her wake to a confidential nook beneath the gallery.
There were times when scenes like this made Lily happy, satisfying her appreciation for beauty and her desire for the finer things in life; there were also times when they highlighted the lack of opportunities in her own life. This was one of those moments when the feeling of contrast was strongest, and she turned away in frustration as Mrs. George Dorset, sparkling in sequins, pulled Percy Gryce with her to a private corner under the balcony.
It was not that Miss Bart was afraid of losing her newly-acquired hold over Mr. Gryce. Mrs. Dorset might startle or dazzle him, but she had neither the skill nor the patience to effect his capture. She was too self-engrossed to penetrate the recesses of his shyness, and besides, why should she care to give herself the trouble? At most it might amuse her to make sport of his simplicity for an evening—after that he would be merely a burden to her, and knowing this, she was far too experienced to encourage him. But the mere thought of that other woman, who could take a man up and toss him aside as she willed, without having to regard him as a possible factor in her plans, filled Lily Bart with envy. She had been bored all the afternoon by Percy Gryce—the mere thought seemed to waken an echo of his droning voice—but she could not ignore him on the morrow, she must follow up her success, must submit to more boredom, must be ready with fresh compliances and adaptabilities, and all on the bare chance that he might ultimately decide to do her the honour of boring her for life.
It wasn’t that Miss Bart was scared of losing her newly-acquired influence over Mr. Gryce. Mrs. Dorset might surprise or impress him, but she lacked the skill or patience to win him over. She was too wrapped up in herself to understand his timid nature, and besides, why would she bother? At most, it might entertain her to tease him for an evening—after that, he’d just be a burden, and knowing this, she was too aware to encourage him. But the mere idea of that other woman, who could pick a man up and toss him aside at will without considering him as a part of her plans, filled Lily Bart with envy. She had been bored all afternoon by Percy Gryce—the mere thought seemed to bring back the sound of his monotonous voice—but she couldn’t ignore him tomorrow; she had to build on her success, endure more boredom, and be ready with new flattery and flexibility, all based on the slim chance that he might eventually decide to take the honor of boring her for life.
It was a hateful fate—but how escape from it? What choice had she? To be herself, or a Gerty Farish. As she entered her bedroom, with its softly-shaded lights, her lace dressing-gown lying across the silken bedspread, her little embroidered slippers before the fire, a vase of carnations filling the air with perfume, and the last novels and magazines lying uncut on a table beside the reading-lamp, she had a vision of Miss Farish’s cramped flat, with its cheap conveniences and hideous wall-papers. No; she was not made for mean and shabby surroundings, for the squalid compromises of poverty. Her whole being dilated in an atmosphere of luxury; it was the background she required, the only climate she could breathe in. But the luxury of others was not what she wanted. A few years ago it had sufficed her: she had taken her daily meed of pleasure without caring who provided it. Now she was beginning to chafe at the obligations it imposed, to feel herself a mere pensioner on the splendour which had once seemed to belong to her. There were even moments when she was conscious of having to pay her way.
It was a terrible fate—but how could she escape it? What choice did she have? To be herself or to be a Gerty Farish. As she walked into her bedroom, with its softly dimmed lights, her lace robe draped over the silky bedspread, her little embroidered slippers in front of the fire, a vase of carnations scenting the air, and the latest novels and magazines lying unopened on a table beside the reading lamp, she imagined Miss Farish’s cramped apartment, with its cheap furnishings and ugly wallpaper. No; she wasn’t meant for drab and shabby surroundings, for the miserable compromises of poverty. Her entire being thrived in an atmosphere of luxury; it was the environment she needed, the only setting she could thrive in. But she didn’t want someone else’s luxury. A few years ago, it was enough for her: she enjoyed her daily dose of pleasure without caring who provided it. Now she was starting to feel constrained by the expectations it created, to see herself as just a dependent on the splendor that once felt like it was hers. There were even times when she felt the need to contribute her share.
For a long time she had refused to play bridge. She knew she could not afford it, and she was afraid of acquiring so expensive a taste. She had seen the danger exemplified in more than one of her associates—in young Ned Silverton, for instance, the charming fair boy now seated in abject rapture at the elbow of Mrs. Fisher, a striking divorcee with eyes and gowns as emphatic as the head-lines of her “case.” Lily could remember when young Silverton had stumbled into their circle, with the air of a strayed Arcadian who has published charming sonnets in his college journal. Since then he had developed a taste for Mrs. Fisher and bridge, and the latter at least had involved him in expenses from which he had been more than once rescued by harassed maiden sisters, who treasured the sonnets, and went without sugar in their tea to keep their darling afloat. Ned’s case was familiar to Lily: she had seen his charming eyes—which had a good deal more poetry in them than the sonnets—change from surprise to amusement, and from amusement to anxiety, as he passed under the spell of the terrible god of chance; and she was afraid of discovering the same symptoms in her own case.
For a long time, she had refused to play bridge. She knew she couldn’t afford it, and she was worried about developing such an expensive hobby. She had seen the danger in several of her friends—like young Ned Silverton, for example, the charming blonde guy now sitting in blissful admiration next to Mrs. Fisher, a striking divorcee with eyes and dresses as dramatic as the headlines of her "case." Lily remembered when young Silverton had stumbled into their group, looking like a lost idealist who published lovely poems in his college magazine. Since then, he had developed a taste for Mrs. Fisher and bridge, and the latter had led him into financial troubles that his stressed maiden sisters had rescued him from more than once, cherishing the poems while going without sugar in their tea to help their darling stay afloat. Ned’s situation was all too familiar to Lily: she had seen his charming eyes—which held a lot more poetry than the poems—shift from surprise to amusement, and then from amusement to anxiety, as he fell under the influence of the cruel god of chance; and she was afraid of experiencing the same feelings in her own life.
For in the last year she had found that her hostesses expected her to take a place at the card-table. It was one of the taxes she had to pay for their prolonged hospitality, and for the dresses and trinkets which occasionally replenished her insufficient wardrobe. And since she had played regularly the passion had grown on her. Once or twice of late she had won a large sum, and instead of keeping it against future losses, had spent it in dress or jewelry; and the desire to atone for this imprudence, combined with the increasing exhilaration of the game, drove her to risk higher stakes at each fresh venture. She tried to excuse herself on the plea that, in the Trenor set, if one played at all one must either play high or be set down as priggish or stingy; but she knew that the gambling passion was upon her, and that in her present surroundings there was small hope of resisting it.
In the past year, she realized that her hostesses expected her to join the card games. It was one of the costs of their ongoing hospitality, alongside the dresses and accessories that occasionally updated her limited wardrobe. Since she had been playing regularly, her passion for it had grown. Recently, she'd won a substantial amount of money and instead of saving it for future losses, she had spent it on clothes or jewelry. The need to make up for this reckless spending, combined with the thrill of the game, pushed her to bet higher amounts every time she played. She tried to justify it by saying that in the Trenor social circle, if you played at all, you had to either bet high or be seen as uptight or cheap; but she knew the urge to gamble was overwhelming her, and in her current environment, there was little chance of resisting it.
Tonight the luck had been persistently bad, and the little gold purse which hung among her trinkets was almost empty when she returned to her room. She unlocked the wardrobe, and taking out her jewel-case, looked under the tray for the roll of bills from which she had replenished the purse before going down to dinner. Only twenty dollars were left: the discovery was so startling that for a moment she fancied she must have been robbed. Then she took paper and pencil, and seating herself at the writing-table, tried to reckon up what she had spent during the day. Her head was throbbing with fatigue, and she had to go over the figures again and again; but at last it became clear to her that she had lost three hundred dollars at cards. She took out her cheque-book to see if her balance was larger than she remembered, but found she had erred in the other direction. Then she returned to her calculations; but figure as she would, she could not conjure back the vanished three hundred dollars. It was the sum she had set aside to pacify her dress-maker—unless she should decide to use it as a sop to the jeweller. At any rate, she had so many uses for it that its very insufficiency had caused her to play high in the hope of doubling it. But of course she had lost—she who needed every penny, while Bertha Dorset, whose husband showered money on her, must have pocketed at least five hundred, and Judy Trenor, who could have afforded to lose a thousand a night, had left the table clutching such a heap of bills that she had been unable to shake hands with her guests when they bade her good night.
Tonight the luck had been consistently bad, and the little gold purse that hung among her trinkets was almost empty when she returned to her room. She unlocked the wardrobe, took out her jewelry box, and looked under the tray for the roll of cash she had used to refill the purse before going down to dinner. Only twenty dollars were left: the discovery was so shocking that for a moment she thought she might have been robbed. Then she grabbed paper and pencil, sat down at the writing table, and tried to calculate what she had spent during the day. Her head was pounding from fatigue, and she had to review the numbers over and over; but eventually, it became clear that she had lost three hundred dollars at cards. She pulled out her checkbook to see if her balance was higher than she remembered, but found she was mistaken in the other direction. She returned to her calculations; but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring back the lost three hundred dollars. That was the amount she had set aside to appease her dressmaker—unless she decided to use it as a bribe for the jeweler. In any case, she had so many uses for it that its unavailability had driven her to gamble high in hopes of doubling it. But of course, she had lost—she who needed every cent, while Bertha Dorset, whose husband showered her with cash, must have pocketed at least five hundred, and Judy Trenor, who could afford to lose a thousand a night, had left the table clutching so much cash that she couldn't even shake hands with her guests when they said goodnight.
A world in which such things could be seemed a miserable place to Lily Bart; but then she had never been able to understand the laws of a universe which was so ready to leave her out of its calculations.
A world where such things could happen seemed like a miserable place to Lily Bart; but then she had never been able to grasp the rules of a universe that was so quick to exclude her from its plans.
She began to undress without ringing for her maid, whom she had sent to bed. She had been long enough in bondage to other people’s pleasure to be considerate of those who depended on hers, and in her bitter moods it sometimes struck her that she and her maid were in the same position, except that the latter received her wages more regularly.
She started taking off her clothes without calling for her maid, who she had sent to bed. She had been constrained by other people’s desires for so long that she felt little obligation to think about those who relied on hers, and during her darker moments, it occasionally occurred to her that she and her maid were in the same situation, except the maid got paid more consistently.
As she sat before the mirror brushing her hair, her face looked hollow and pale, and she was frightened by two little lines near her mouth, faint flaws in the smooth curve of the cheek.
As she sat in front of the mirror brushing her hair, her face appeared hollow and pale, and she was scared by the two small lines near her mouth, subtle imperfections in the smooth curve of her cheek.
“Oh, I must stop worrying!” she exclaimed. “Unless it’s the electric light——” she reflected, springing up from her seat and lighting the candles on the dressing-table.
“Oh, I need to stop worrying!” she exclaimed. “Unless it’s the electric light——” she thought, jumping up from her seat and lighting the candles on the dressing table.
She turned out the wall-lights, and peered at herself between the candle-flames. The white oval of her face swam out waveringly from a background of shadows, the uncertain light blurring it like a haze; but the two lines about the mouth remained.
She turned off the wall lights and looked at herself between the candle flames. The pale oval of her face emerged slightly from a backdrop of shadows, the dim light softening it like a fog; but the two lines around her mouth stayed clear.
Lily rose and undressed in haste.
Lily got up and quickly took off her clothes.
“It is only because I am tired and have such odious things to think about,” she kept repeating; and it seemed an added injustice that petty cares should leave a trace on the beauty which was her only defence against them.
“It’s just that I’m tired and have to think about such awful things,” she kept saying; and it felt even more unfair that minor worries should leave a mark on the beauty that was her only shield against them.
But the odious things were there, and remained with her. She returned wearily to the thought of Percy Gryce, as a wayfarer picks up a heavy load and toils on after a brief rest. She was almost sure she had “landed” him: a few days’ work and she would win her reward. But the reward itself seemed unpalatable just then: she could get no zest from the thought of victory. It would be a rest from worry, no more—and how little that would have seemed to her a few years earlier! Her ambitions had shrunk gradually in the desiccating air of failure. But why had she failed? Was it her own fault or that of destiny?
But the horrible things were there, and stayed with her. She tiredly returned to thoughts of Percy Gryce, like a traveler picking up a heavy load and trudging on after a short break. She was almost sure she had “landed” him: a few more days of work, and she would get her reward. But the reward itself felt unappealing at that moment; she couldn't get any excitement from the idea of winning. It would just be a break from worry, nothing more—and how little that would have seemed to her a few years ago! Her ambitions had gradually shrunk in the dry air of failure. But why had she failed? Was it her own fault or was it just fate?
She remembered how her mother, after they had lost their money, used to say to her with a kind of fierce vindictiveness: “But you’ll get it all back—you’ll get it all back, with your face.”... The remembrance roused a whole train of association, and she lay in the darkness reconstructing the past out of which her present had grown.
She remembered how her mother, after they lost their money, used to say to her with a sort of fierce resentment: “But you’ll get it all back—you’ll get it all back, with your face.”... The memory triggered a whole series of thoughts, and she lay in the darkness piecing together the past from which her present had come.
A house in which no one ever dined at home unless there was “company”; a door-bell perpetually ringing; a hall-table showered with square envelopes which were opened in haste, and oblong envelopes which were allowed to gather dust in the depths of a bronze jar; a series of French and English maids giving warning amid a chaos of hurriedly-ransacked wardrobes and dress-closets; an equally changing dynasty of nurses and footmen; quarrels in the pantry, the kitchen and the drawing-room; precipitate trips to Europe, and returns with gorged trunks and days of interminable unpacking; semi-annual discussions as to where the summer should be spent, grey interludes of economy and brilliant reactions of expense—such was the setting of Lily Bart’s first memories.
A house where nobody ever ate at home unless there were guests; a doorbell that rang constantly; a table in the hall piled with square envelopes that were quickly opened and oblong envelopes that collected dust in a bronze jar; a changing parade of French and English maids giving notice amid a mess of hastily searched wardrobes and closets; an equally fluctuating lineup of nurses and footmen; arguments in the pantry, the kitchen, and the living room; sudden trips to Europe, coming back with overstuffed luggage and days of endless unpacking; twice-a-year debates about where to spend the summer, dull periods of frugality alternating with extravagant spending—this was the backdrop of Lily Bart’s earliest memories.
Ruling the turbulent element called home was the vigorous and determined figure of a mother still young enough to dance her ball-dresses to rags, while the hazy outline of a neutral-tinted father filled an intermediate space between the butler and the man who came to wind the clocks. Even to the eyes of infancy, Mrs. Hudson Bart had appeared young; but Lily could not recall the time when her father had not been bald and slightly stooping, with streaks of grey in his hair, and a tired walk. It was a shock to her to learn afterward that he was but two years older than her mother.
Ruling the chaotic home was the energetic and determined figure of a mother still young enough to wear her ball gowns until they were tattered, while the blurry outline of a neutral-toned father occupied the space between the butler and the man who came to wind the clocks. Even to a child, Mrs. Hudson Bart had seemed young; but Lily couldn’t remember a time when her father wasn’t bald and a bit hunched over, with grey streaks in his hair and a weary gait. It surprised her to find out later that he was only two years older than her mother.
Lily seldom saw her father by daylight. All day he was “downtown”; and in winter it was long after nightfall when she heard his fagged step on the stairs and his hand on the school-room door. He would kiss her in silence, and ask one or two questions of the nurse or the governess; then Mrs. Bart’s maid would come to remind him that he was dining out, and he would hurry away with a nod to Lily. In summer, when he joined them for a Sunday at Newport or Southampton, he was even more effaced and silent than in winter. It seemed to tire him to rest, and he would sit for hours staring at the sea-line from a quiet corner of the verandah, while the clatter of his wife’s existence went on unheeded a few feet off. Generally, however, Mrs. Bart and Lily went to Europe for the summer, and before the steamer was half way over Mr. Bart had dipped below the horizon. Sometimes his daughter heard him denounced for having neglected to forward Mrs. Bart’s remittances; but for the most part he was never mentioned or thought of till his patient stooping figure presented itself on the New York dock as a buffer between the magnitude of his wife’s luggage and the restrictions of the American custom-house.
Lily rarely saw her father during the day. He was “downtown” all day long, and in winter, it was well after dark when she would hear his tired footsteps on the stairs and his hand on the schoolroom door. He would kiss her quietly and ask the nurse or governess a couple of questions; then Mrs. Bart's maid would come to remind him that he had plans for dinner, and he would rush off with just a nod to Lily. In summer, when he spent a Sunday at Newport or Southampton with them, he was even more withdrawn and quiet than in winter. It seemed like resting exhausted him, and he would sit for hours staring at the sea from a quiet corner of the porch while the hustle of his wife’s life continued nearby, unnoticed. Usually, though, Mrs. Bart and Lily would go to Europe for the summer, and by the time the ship was halfway across, Mr. Bart had disappeared from sight. Sometimes, his daughter would hear people criticize him for not sending Mrs. Bart's money, but for the most part, he was hardly mentioned or thought of until his worn, hunched figure showed up at the New York dock as a buffer between the bulk of his wife's luggage and the rules of the American customs.
In this desultory yet agitated fashion life went on through Lily’s teens: a zig-zag broken course down which the family craft glided on a rapid current of amusement, tugged at by the underflow of a perpetual need—the need of more money. Lily could not recall the time when there had been money enough, and in some vague way her father seemed always to blame for the deficiency. It could certainly not be the fault of Mrs. Bart, who was spoken of by her friends as a “wonderful manager.” Mrs. Bart was famous for the unlimited effect she produced on limited means; and to the lady and her acquaintances there was something heroic in living as though one were much richer than one’s bank-book denoted.
In a chaotic yet restless way, life continued through Lily’s teenage years: a jagged, broken journey down which the family navigated on a swift stream of entertainment, pulled along by the constant undercurrent of a never-ending need—for more money. Lily couldn't remember a time when there was enough money, and in a vague sense, her father always seemed to be blamed for the shortfall. It certainly couldn't be Mrs. Bart's fault, who was referred to by her friends as a “wonderful manager.” Mrs. Bart was renowned for the incredible results she achieved with limited resources; to her and her friends, there was something heroic about living as if they were much wealthier than their bank balance suggested.
Lily was naturally proud of her mother’s aptitude in this line: she had been brought up in the faith that, whatever it cost, one must have a good cook, and be what Mrs. Bart called “decently dressed.” Mrs. Bart’s worst reproach to her husband was to ask him if he expected her to “live like a pig”; and his replying in the negative was always regarded as a justification for cabling to Paris for an extra dress or two, and telephoning to the jeweller that he might, after all, send home the turquoise bracelet which Mrs. Bart had looked at that morning.
Lily was naturally proud of her mother’s skills in this area: she had been raised with the belief that, no matter the cost, you had to have a good cook and be what Mrs. Bart called “decently dressed.” Mrs. Bart’s biggest criticism of her husband was to ask him if he expected her to “live like a pig”; his negative response was always seen as a reason to wire Paris for an extra dress or two, and to call the jeweler to send home the turquoise bracelet that Mrs. Bart had looked at that morning.
Lily knew people who “lived like pigs,” and their appearance and surroundings justified her mother’s repugnance to that form of existence. They were mostly cousins, who inhabited dingy houses with engravings from Cole’s Voyage of Life on the drawing-room walls, and slatternly parlour-maids who said “I’ll go and see” to visitors calling at an hour when all right-minded persons are conventionally if not actually out. The disgusting part of it was that many of these cousins were rich, so that Lily imbibed the idea that if people lived like pigs it was from choice, and through the lack of any proper standard of conduct. This gave her a sense of reflected superiority, and she did not need Mrs. Bart’s comments on the family frumps and misers to foster her naturally lively taste for splendour.
Lily knew people who “lived like pigs,” and their looks and surroundings justified her mother’s disgust for that way of life. They were mostly cousins who lived in shabby houses with pictures from Cole’s Voyage of Life on the drawing-room walls, and messy maids who would say “I’ll go and see” to visitors who came by at times when decent people were usually out. The gross part was that many of these cousins were wealthy, which made Lily think that if people lived like pigs, it was by choice and due to a lack of any real sense of how to behave. This gave her a sense of superiority, and she didn’t need Mrs. Bart’s comments on the family’s oddballs and tightwads to encourage her naturally vibrant taste for luxury.
Lily was nineteen when circumstances caused her to revise her view of the universe.
Lily was nineteen when events led her to change her perspective on the universe.
The previous year she had made a dazzling debut fringed by a heavy thunder-cloud of bills. The light of the debut still lingered on the horizon, but the cloud had thickened; and suddenly it broke. The suddenness added to the horror; and there were still times when Lily relived with painful vividness every detail of the day on which the blow fell. She and her mother had been seated at the luncheon-table, over the CHAUFROIX and cold salmon of the previous night’s dinner: it was one of Mrs. Bart’s few economies to consume in private the expensive remnants of her hospitality. Lily was feeling the pleasant languor which is youth’s penalty for dancing till dawn; but her mother, in spite of a few lines about the mouth, and under the yellow waves on her temples, was as alert, determined and high in colour as if she had risen from an untroubled sleep.
The year before, she had made a stunning debut, weighed down by a pile of bills. The excitement of her debut was still there, but the pressure was building, and then it hit hard. The abruptness made it even more terrifying, and there were still moments when Lily vividly remembered every detail of the day the news broke. She and her mother had been sitting at the lunch table, eating the CHAUFROIX and cold salmon from the previous night’s dinner: it was one of Mrs. Bart’s few ways to save money by privately eating the costly leftovers from her hospitality. Lily was experiencing the pleasant fatigue that comes with youth after dancing until dawn; but her mother, despite a few lines around her mouth and the yellow waves in her hair, was as alert, determined, and flushed as if she had just woken up from a peaceful sleep.
In the centre of the table, between the melting MARRONS GLACES and candied cherries, a pyramid of American Beauties lifted their vigorous stems; they held their heads as high as Mrs. Bart, but their rose-colour had turned to a dissipated purple, and Lily’s sense of fitness was disturbed by their reappearance on the luncheon-table.
In the middle of the table, between the melting candied chestnuts and candied cherries, a pyramid of American Beauties lifted their strong stems; they held their heads as high as Mrs. Bart, but their pink color had faded to a worn-out purple, and Lily felt uneasy about their presence on the lunch table.
“I really think, mother,” she said reproachfully, “we might afford a few fresh flowers for luncheon. Just some jonquils or lilies-of-the-valley—”
“I honestly think, Mom,” she said with a hint of annoyance, “we could splurge on a few fresh flowers for lunch. Just some jonquils or lilies of the valley—”
Mrs. Bart stared. Her own fastidiousness had its eye fixed on the world, and she did not care how the luncheon-table looked when there was no one present at it but the family. But she smiled at her daughter’s innocence.
Mrs. Bart stared. Her own exacting standards were focused on the world, and she didn’t mind how the lunch table looked when it was just the family at it. But she smiled at her daughter’s naivety.
“Lilies-of-the-valley,” she said calmly, “cost two dollars a dozen at this season.”
“Lilies-of-the-valley,” she said calmly, “are two dollars a dozen this time of year.”
Lily was not impressed. She knew very little of the value of money.
Lily wasn't impressed. She didn't understand much about the value of money.
“It would not take more than six dozen to fill that bowl,” she argued.
“It wouldn’t take more than twelve to fill that bowl,” she argued.
“Six dozen what?” asked her father’s voice in the doorway.
“Six dozen what?” her father asked from the doorway.
The two women looked up in surprise; though it was a Saturday, the sight of Mr. Bart at luncheon was an unwonted one. But neither his wife nor his daughter was sufficiently interested to ask an explanation.
The two women looked up in surprise; even though it was a Saturday, seeing Mr. Bart at lunch was unusual. But neither his wife nor his daughter was interested enough to ask for an explanation.
Mr. Bart dropped into a chair, and sat gazing absently at the fragment of jellied salmon which the butler had placed before him.
Mr. Bart dropped into a chair and sat staring blankly at the piece of jellied salmon that the butler had set in front of him.
“I was only saying,” Lily began, “that I hate to see faded flowers at luncheon; and mother says a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley would not cost more than twelve dollars. Mayn’t I tell the florist to send a few every day?”
“I was just saying,” Lily started, “that I really dislike seeing wilted flowers at lunch; and Mom says a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley wouldn’t cost more than twelve dollars. Can I ask the florist to send a few every day?”
She leaned confidently toward her father: he seldom refused her anything, and Mrs. Bart had taught her to plead with him when her own entreaties failed.
She leaned confidently toward her dad; he rarely said no to her, and Mrs. Bart had taught her to ask him when her own requests didn’t work.
Mr. Bart sat motionless, his gaze still fixed on the salmon, and his lower jaw dropped; he looked even paler than usual, and his thin hair lay in untidy streaks on his forehead. Suddenly he looked at his daughter and laughed. The laugh was so strange that Lily coloured under it: she disliked being ridiculed, and her father seemed to see something ridiculous in the request. Perhaps he thought it foolish that she should trouble him about such a trifle.
Mr. Bart sat still, his eyes locked on the salmon, and his jaw hung open; he looked even paler than usual, and his thin hair was messily streaked across his forehead. Suddenly, he turned to his daughter and laughed. The laugh was so odd that Lily felt herself blush: she hated being mocked, and her father seemed to find something silly in her request. Maybe he thought it was foolish for her to bother him about something so trivial.
“Twelve dollars—twelve dollars a day for flowers? Oh, certainly, my dear—give him an order for twelve hundred.” He continued to laugh.
“Twelve dollars—twelve dollars a day for flowers? Oh, of course, my dear—place an order for twelve hundred.” He kept laughing.
Mrs. Bart gave him a quick glance.
Mrs. Bart shot him a quick look.
“You needn’t wait, Poleworth—I will ring for you,” she said to the butler.
“You don’t have to wait, Poleworth—I’ll call for you,” she said to the butler.
The butler withdrew with an air of silent disapproval, leaving the remains of the CHAUFROIX on the sideboard.
The butler left with a look of quiet disapproval, leaving the leftovers of the CHAUFROIX on the sideboard.
“What is the matter, Hudson? Are you ill?” said Mrs. Bart severely.
“What’s wrong, Hudson? Are you sick?” Mrs. Bart asked sternly.
She had no tolerance for scenes which were not of her own making, and it was odious to her that her husband should make a show of himself before the servants.
She had no patience for situations that weren’t of her own creation, and she found it disgusting that her husband would put on a performance in front of the staff.
“Are you ill?” she repeated.
"Are you sick?" she repeated.
“Ill?—— No, I’m ruined,” he said.
“Ill?—— No, I’m done for,” he said.
Lily made a frightened sound, and Mrs. Bart rose to her feet.
Lily let out a scared sound, and Mrs. Bart stood up.
“Ruined——?” she cried; but controlling herself instantly, she turned a calm face to Lily.
“Ruined—?” she exclaimed; but regaining her composure right away, she turned a serene face to Lily.
“Shut the pantry door,” she said.
“Shut the pantry door,” she said.
Lily obeyed, and when she turned back into the room her father was sitting with both elbows on the table, the plate of salmon between them, and his head bowed on his hands.
Lily obeyed, and when she turned back into the room, her father was sitting with both elbows on the table, the plate of salmon between them, and his head resting on his hands.
Mrs. Bart stood over him with a white face which made her hair unnaturally yellow. She looked at Lily as the latter approached: her look was terrible, but her voice was modulated to a ghastly cheerfulness.
Mrs. Bart stood over him with a pale face that made her hair look unnaturally yellow. She glanced at Lily as she came closer: her expression was horrific, but her voice was adjusted to a creepy cheerfulness.
“Your father is not well—he doesn’t know what he is saying. It is nothing—but you had better go upstairs; and don’t talk to the servants,” she added.
“Your father isn’t well—he doesn’t know what he’s saying. It’s nothing—but you should go upstairs; and don’t talk to the servants,” she added.
Lily obeyed; she always obeyed when her mother spoke in that voice. She had not been deceived by Mrs. Bart’s words: she knew at once that they were ruined. In the dark hours which followed, that awful fact overshadowed even her father’s slow and difficult dying. To his wife he no longer counted: he had become extinct when he ceased to fulfil his purpose, and she sat at his side with the provisional air of a traveller who waits for a belated train to start. Lily’s feelings were softer: she pitied him in a frightened ineffectual way. But the fact that he was for the most part unconscious, and that his attention, when she stole into the room, drifted away from her after a moment, made him even more of a stranger than in the nursery days when he had never come home till after dark. She seemed always to have seen him through a blur—first of sleepiness, then of distance and indifference—and now the fog had thickened till he was almost indistinguishable. If she could have performed any little services for him, or have exchanged with him a few of those affecting words which an extensive perusal of fiction had led her to connect with such occasions, the filial instinct might have stirred in her; but her pity, finding no active expression, remained in a state of spectatorship, overshadowed by her mother’s grim unflagging resentment. Every look and act of Mrs. Bart’s seemed to say: “You are sorry for him now—but you will feel differently when you see what he has done to us.”
Lily complied; she always followed her mother’s instructions when she spoke that way. She wasn’t fooled by Mrs. Bart’s words: she realized right away that they were doomed. In the dark hours that followed, that terrible truth overshadowed even her father’s slow and painful passing. To his wife, he no longer mattered: he had faded away when he stopped fulfilling his role, and she sat by him with the temporary look of a traveler waiting for a late train. Lily felt more compassion: she felt sorry for him in a scared, helpless way. But the fact that he was mostly unconscious, and that his attention wandered away from her after a moment when she entered the room, made him feel even more like a stranger than during her childhood when he hadn’t come home until after dark. It seemed like she had always seen him through a haze—first of sleepiness, then of distance and indifference—and now the mist had thickened to the point where he was nearly unrecognizable. If she could have done anything small for him, or exchanged a few of those touching words she had learned from reading fiction that were connected with such moments, her instinct to be a good daughter might have stirred; but her pity, without any way to express itself, remained on the sidelines, overshadowed by her mother’s relentless bitterness. Every look and action from Mrs. Bart seemed to communicate: “You feel sorry for him now—but you’ll change your mind when you see what he’s done to us.”
It was a relief to Lily when her father died.
It was a relief to Lily when her dad passed away.
Then a long winter set in. There was a little money left, but to Mrs. Bart it seemed worse than nothing—the mere mockery of what she was entitled to. What was the use of living if one had to live like a pig? She sank into a kind of furious apathy, a state of inert anger against fate. Her faculty for “managing” deserted her, or she no longer took sufficient pride in it to exert it. It was well enough to “manage” when by so doing one could keep one’s own carriage; but when one’s best contrivance did not conceal the fact that one had to go on foot, the effort was no longer worth making.
Then a long winter came. There was a little money left, but to Mrs. Bart, it felt worse than nothing—the cruel reminder of what she deserved. What was the point of living if she had to live like an animal? She fell into a kind of furious apathy, a state of passive anger against fate. Her ability to “manage” faded away, or she just didn't care enough to use it. It was fine to “manage” when it meant she could keep her own carriage; but when her best efforts couldn't hide the fact that she had to walk, the struggle wasn't worth it anymore.
Lily and her mother wandered from place to place, now paying long visits to relations whose house-keeping Mrs. Bart criticized, and who deplored the fact that she let Lily breakfast in bed when the girl had no prospects before her, and now vegetating in cheap continental refuges, where Mrs. Bart held herself fiercely aloof from the frugal tea-tables of her companions in misfortune. She was especially careful to avoid her old friends and the scenes of her former successes. To be poor seemed to her such a confession of failure that it amounted to disgrace; and she detected a note of condescension in the friendliest advances.
Lily and her mom moved from place to place, spending long visits with relatives whose housekeeping Mrs. Bart openly criticized, and who lamented that she allowed Lily to have breakfast in bed when the girl had no future plans. They were now staying in budget hotels, where Mrs. Bart kept herself distanced from the simple tea gatherings of her fellow unfortunate travelers. She made a point to steer clear of her old friends and the places where she once thrived. Being poor felt to her like admitting failure, which she considered disgraceful; she could sense an air of condescension even in the friendliest gestures.
Only one thought consoled her, and that was the contemplation of Lily’s beauty. She studied it with a kind of passion, as though it were some weapon she had slowly fashioned for her vengeance. It was the last asset in their fortunes, the nucleus around which their life was to be rebuilt. She watched it jealously, as though it were her own property and Lily its mere custodian; and she tried to instil into the latter a sense of the responsibility that such a charge involved. She followed in imagination the career of other beauties, pointing out to her daughter what might be achieved through such a gift, and dwelling on the awful warning of those who, in spite of it, had failed to get what they wanted: to Mrs. Bart, only stupidity could explain the lamentable denouement of some of her examples. She was not above the inconsistency of charging fate, rather than herself, with her own misfortunes; but she inveighed so acrimoniously against love-matches that Lily would have fancied her own marriage had been of that nature, had not Mrs. Bart frequently assured her that she had been “talked into it”—by whom, she never made clear.
Only one thought gave her comfort, and that was the idea of Lily’s beauty. She looked at it with a kind of passion, as if it were a weapon she had carefully crafted for her revenge. It was the last thing they had left, the core around which their lives would be rebuilt. She watched it possessively, as if it were her own and Lily was just its caretaker; she tried to instill in her daughter a sense of responsibility that came with such a gift. In her mind, she followed the paths of other beautiful women, pointing out to Lily what could be achieved with such a blessing, and emphasizing the terrible warnings of those who, despite their beauty, failed to get what they wanted: to Mrs. Bart, only ignorance could explain the dismal endings of some of her examples. She didn’t shy away from blaming fate for her own misfortunes, rather than taking responsibility; yet she criticized love matches so harshly that Lily might have thought her own marriage was one, if Mrs. Bart hadn’t repeatedly insisted that she had been “talked into it”—by whom, she never clarified.
Lily was duly impressed by the magnitude of her opportunities. The dinginess of her present life threw into enchanting relief the existence to which she felt herself entitled. To a less illuminated intelligence Mrs. Bart’s counsels might have been dangerous; but Lily understood that beauty is only the raw material of conquest, and that to convert it into success other arts are required. She knew that to betray any sense of superiority was a subtler form of the stupidity her mother denounced, and it did not take her long to learn that a beauty needs more tact than the possessor of an average set of features.
Lily was genuinely impressed by the scale of her opportunities. The dullness of her current life made the life she felt she deserved seem even more appealing. For someone less insightful, Mrs. Bart’s advice might have been risky; but Lily realized that beauty is just the starting point for success, and that other skills are needed to turn it into actual achievement. She understood that showing any hint of superiority was a more refined version of the foolishness her mother criticized, and she quickly learned that a beautiful woman needs more tact than someone with average looks.
Her ambitions were not as crude as Mrs. Bart’s. It had been among that lady’s grievances that her husband—in the early days, before he was too tired—had wasted his evenings in what she vaguely described as “reading poetry”; and among the effects packed off to auction after his death were a score or two of dingy volumes which had struggled for existence among the boots and medicine bottles of his dressing-room shelves. There was in Lily a vein of sentiment, perhaps transmitted from this source, which gave an idealizing touch to her most prosaic purposes. She liked to think of her beauty as a power for good, as giving her the opportunity to attain a position where she should make her influence felt in the vague diffusion of refinement and good taste. She was fond of pictures and flowers, and of sentimental fiction, and she could not help thinking that the possession of such tastes ennobled her desire for worldly advantages. She would not indeed have cared to marry a man who was merely rich: she was secretly ashamed of her mother’s crude passion for money. Lily’s preference would have been for an English nobleman with political ambitions and vast estates; or, for second choice, an Italian prince with a castle in the Apennines and an hereditary office in the Vatican. Lost causes had a romantic charm for her, and she liked to picture herself as standing aloof from the vulgar press of the Quirinal, and sacrificing her pleasure to the claims of an immemorial tradition....
Her ambitions weren’t as straightforward as Mrs. Bart’s. One of that lady’s complaints was that her husband—in the early days, before he got too tired—wasted his evenings on what she vaguely referred to as “reading poetry.” Among the items sent off to auction after his death were a couple of dingy books that struggled for space among the boots and medicine bottles on his dressing-room shelves. In Lily, there was a touch of sentimentality, perhaps passed down from this source, which added an idealistic flair to her most mundane goals. She liked to think of her beauty as a force for good, giving her the chance to reach a position where she could influence the spread of refinement and good taste. She enjoyed pictures and flowers, and sentimental fiction, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that having these interests made her desire for worldly success more noble. She wouldn’t have wanted to marry a man who was just rich; she felt secretly embarrassed by her mother’s blunt obsession with money. Lily’s ideal match would have been an English nobleman with political ambitions and large estates; or, as a second choice, an Italian prince with a castle in the Apennines and a hereditary role in the Vatican. Lost causes had a romantic appeal for her, and she liked to imagine herself standing apart from the common crowd at the Quirinal, sacrificing her own pleasures for the sake of a long-standing tradition....
How long ago and how far off it all seemed! Those ambitions were hardly more futile and childish than the earlier ones which had centred about the possession of a French jointed doll with real hair. Was it only ten years since she had wavered in imagination between the English earl and the Italian prince? Relentlessly her mind travelled on over the dreary interval....
How long ago and how distant it all felt! Those dreams were hardly more pointless and childish than the earlier ones that revolved around owning a French jointed doll with real hair. Was it really only ten years since she had fluctuated in her thoughts between the English earl and the Italian prince? Relentlessly, her mind moved on through the dull gap....
After two years of hungry roaming Mrs. Bart had died——died of a deep disgust. She had hated dinginess, and it was her fate to be dingy. Her visions of a brilliant marriage for Lily had faded after the first year.
After two years of wandering while hungry, Mrs. Bart had died—died from deep disappointment. She had despised dullness, yet it was her destiny to be dull. Her dreams of a dazzling marriage for Lily had faded after the first year.
“People can’t marry you if they don’t see you—and how can they see you in these holes where we’re stuck?” That was the burden of her lament; and her last adjuration to her daughter was to escape from dinginess if she could.
“People can’t marry you if they can’t see you—and how can they see you in these dirty places where we’re stuck?” That was the weight of her sorrow; and her final plea to her daughter was to get away from the grime if she could.
“Don’t let it creep up on you and drag you down. Fight your way out of it somehow—you’re young and can do it,” she insisted.
“Don’t let it sneak up on you and pull you down. Fight your way out of it somehow—you’re young and capable,” she insisted.
She had died during one of their brief visits to New York, and there Lily at once became the centre of a family council composed of the wealthy relatives whom she had been taught to despise for living like pigs. It may be that they had an inkling of the sentiments in which she had been brought up, for none of them manifested a very lively desire for her company; indeed, the question threatened to remain unsolved till Mrs. Peniston with a sigh announced: “I’ll try her for a year.”
She had died during one of their short visits to New York, and there Lily immediately became the focus of a family meeting made up of the wealthy relatives she had been raised to look down on for living so poorly. They might have sensed her true feelings about them, as none of them seemed particularly eager to spend time with her; in fact, the situation was about to stay unresolved until Mrs. Peniston sighed and said, “I’ll give her a chance for a year.”
Every one was surprised, but one and all concealed their surprise, lest Mrs. Peniston should be alarmed by it into reconsidering her decision.
Everyone was surprised, but they all hid their surprise so that Mrs. Peniston wouldn't be alarmed and rethink her decision.
Mrs. Peniston was Mr. Bart’s widowed sister, and if she was by no means the richest of the family group, its other members nevertheless abounded in reasons why she was clearly destined by Providence to assume the charge of Lily. In the first place she was alone, and it would be charming for her to have a young companion. Then she sometimes travelled, and Lily’s familiarity with foreign customs—deplored as a misfortune by her more conservative relatives—would at least enable her to act as a kind of courier. But as a matter of fact Mrs. Peniston had not been affected by these considerations. She had taken the girl simply because no one else would have her, and because she had the kind of moral MAUVAISE HONTE which makes the public display of selfishness difficult, though it does not interfere with its private indulgence. It would have been impossible for Mrs. Peniston to be heroic on a desert island, but with the eyes of her little world upon her she took a certain pleasure in her act.
Mrs. Peniston was Mr. Bart’s widowed sister, and while she wasn’t the wealthiest member of the family, the others had plenty of reasons to believe she was meant to take care of Lily. First, she was alone, and it would be nice for her to have a young companion. She also traveled sometimes, and Lily’s knowledge of foreign customs—looked down upon by her more traditional relatives—might at least make her useful as a sort of courier. However, the truth was, Mrs. Peniston wasn’t really swayed by these reasons. She took the girl simply because no one else wanted her, and because she had a kind of moral MAUVAISE HONTE that makes it hard to be openly selfish, even though it doesn’t stop her from indulging in it privately. It would have been impossible for Mrs. Peniston to be heroic on a deserted island, but with the eyes of her small world on her, she found some satisfaction in her decision.
She reaped the reward to which disinterestedness is entitled, and found an agreeable companion in her niece. She had expected to find Lily headstrong, critical and “foreign”—for even Mrs. Peniston, though she occasionally went abroad, had the family dread of foreignness—but the girl showed a pliancy, which, to a more penetrating mind than her aunt’s, might have been less reassuring than the open selfishness of youth. Misfortune had made Lily supple instead of hardening her, and a pliable substance is less easy to break than a stiff one.
She enjoyed the benefits that come from being selfless and found a pleasant companion in her niece. She had anticipated that Lily would be strong-willed, judgmental, and “different”—even Mrs. Peniston, who traveled abroad occasionally, had the family's fear of anything foreign—but the girl displayed a flexibility that might have been less comforting to a sharper mind than her aunt's, especially compared to the obvious selfishness of youth. Misfortune had made Lily adaptable instead of toughening her up, and something flexible is harder to break than something rigid.
Mrs. Peniston, however, did not suffer from her niece’s adaptability. Lily had no intention of taking advantage of her aunt’s good-nature. She was in truth grateful for the refuge offered her: Mrs. Peniston’s opulent interior was at least not externally dingy. But dinginess is a quality which assumes all manner of disguises; and Lily soon found that it was as latent in the expensive routine of her aunt’s life as in the makeshift existence of a continental pension.
Mrs. Peniston, however, didn’t suffer from her niece’s ability to adapt. Lily had no plans to take advantage of her aunt’s kindness. She was honestly grateful for the shelter provided to her: Mrs. Peniston’s lavish home was at least not externally gloomy. But gloominess is a quality that can wear many disguises; and Lily soon realized that it was just as hidden in her aunt’s expensive lifestyle as in the makeshift life of a cheap boarding house.
Mrs. Peniston was one of the episodical persons who form the padding of life. It was impossible to believe that she had herself ever been a focus of activities. The most vivid thing about her was the fact that her grandmother had been a Van Alstyne. This connection with the well-fed and industrious stock of early New York revealed itself in the glacial neatness of Mrs. Peniston’s drawing-room and in the excellence of her cuisine. She belonged to the class of old New Yorkers who have always lived well, dressed expensively, and done little else; and to these inherited obligations Mrs. Peniston faithfully conformed. She had always been a looker-on at life, and her mind resembled one of those little mirrors which her Dutch ancestors were accustomed to affix to their upper windows, so that from the depths of an impenetrable domesticity they might see what was happening in the street.
Mrs. Peniston was one of those people who fill in the gaps of life. It was hard to believe that she had ever been the center of activities. The most striking thing about her was the fact that her grandmother had been a Van Alstyne. This connection to the well-off and hard-working families of early New York showed in the icy neatness of Mrs. Peniston’s living room and the quality of her cooking. She belonged to the group of old New Yorkers who have always lived well, dressed in stylish clothes, and done little else; and she always adhered to these inherited expectations. She had always been a spectator of life, and her mind was like one of those little mirrors her Dutch ancestors used to attach to their upper windows, so they could see what was happening in the street from the depths of their impenetrable domesticity.
Mrs. Peniston was the owner of a country-place in New Jersey, but she had never lived there since her husband’s death—a remote event, which appeared to dwell in her memory chiefly as a dividing point in the personal reminiscences that formed the staple of her conversation. She was a woman who remembered dates with intensity, and could tell at a moment’s notice whether the drawing-room curtains had been renewed before or after Mr. Peniston’s last illness.
Mrs. Peniston owned a country house in New Jersey, but she hadn't lived there since her husband's death—a distant event that seemed to linger in her memory mainly as a turning point in the personal stories that made up her conversations. She was a woman who remembered dates vividly and could quickly say whether the living room curtains were replaced before or after Mr. Peniston's last illness.
Mrs. Peniston thought the country lonely and trees damp, and cherished a vague fear of meeting a bull. To guard against such contingencies she frequented the more populous watering-places, where she installed herself impersonally in a hired house and looked on at life through the matting screen of her verandah. In the care of such a guardian, it soon became clear to Lily that she was to enjoy only the material advantages of good food and expensive clothing; and, though far from underrating these, she would gladly have exchanged them for what Mrs. Bart had taught her to regard as opportunities. She sighed to think what her mother’s fierce energies would have accomplished, had they been coupled with Mrs. Peniston’s resources. Lily had abundant energy of her own, but it was restricted by the necessity of adapting herself to her aunt’s habits. She saw that at all costs she must keep Mrs. Peniston’s favour till, as Mrs. Bart would have phrased it, she could stand on her own legs. Lily had no mind for the vagabond life of the poor relation, and to adapt herself to Mrs. Peniston she had, to some degree, to assume that lady’s passive attitude. She had fancied at first that it would be easy to draw her aunt into the whirl of her own activities, but there was a static force in Mrs. Peniston against which her niece’s efforts spent themselves in vain. To attempt to bring her into active relation with life was like tugging at a piece of furniture which has been screwed to the floor. She did not, indeed, expect Lily to remain equally immovable: she had all the American guardian’s indulgence for the volatility of youth.
Mrs. Peniston found the countryside lonely and the trees damp, and she had an uneasy fear of encountering a bull. To prepare for such situations, she often visited busier resorts, where she set herself up impersonally in a rented house and observed life through the matting screen of her porch. Under the watch of such a guardian, it quickly became clear to Lily that she was only going to enjoy the material benefits of good food and expensive clothes; and while she didn’t underestimate these, she would have happily traded them for what Mrs. Bart had taught her to see as real opportunities. She sighed at the thought of what her mother’s fierce drive could have achieved if paired with Mrs. Peniston’s resources. Lily had plenty of energy herself, but it was limited by the need to fit into her aunt’s lifestyle. She realized that she had to maintain Mrs. Peniston’s favor at all costs until, as Mrs. Bart would say, she could stand on her own two feet. Lily had no desire to live the life of a poor relative, and to fit in with Mrs. Peniston, she had to adopt her aunt’s passive approach to some extent. She had initially thought it would be easy to pull her aunt into her own whirlwind of activities, but there was a resistance in Mrs. Peniston that made her niece’s efforts futile. Trying to get her involved in the bustle of life was like trying to move a piece of furniture bolted to the floor. However, Mrs. Peniston didn’t expect Lily to remain just as still; she had the typical indulgence of an American guardian toward the exuberance of youth.
She had indulgence also for certain other habits of her niece’s. It seemed to her natural that Lily should spend all her money on dress, and she supplemented the girl’s scanty income by occasional “handsome presents” meant to be applied to the same purpose. Lily, who was intensely practical, would have preferred a fixed allowance; but Mrs. Peniston liked the periodical recurrence of gratitude evoked by unexpected cheques, and was perhaps shrewd enough to perceive that such a method of giving kept alive in her niece a salutary sense of dependence.
She also tolerated some of her niece’s other habits. It seemed natural to her that Lily should spend all her money on clothes, and she would occasionally give the girl generous gifts intended for the same thing. Lily, who was very practical, would have preferred a regular allowance; but Mrs. Peniston enjoyed the periodic appreciation that came from unexpected checks and might have been clever enough to realize that this way of giving maintained a healthy sense of dependence in her niece.
Beyond this, Mrs. Peniston had not felt called upon to do anything for her charge: she had simply stood aside and let her take the field. Lily had taken it, at first with the confidence of assured possessorship, then with gradually narrowing demands, till now she found herself actually struggling for a foothold on the broad space which had once seemed her own for the asking. How it happened she did not yet know. Sometimes she thought it was because Mrs. Peniston had been too passive, and again she feared it was because she herself had not been passive enough. Had she shown an undue eagerness for victory? Had she lacked patience, pliancy and dissimulation? Whether she charged herself with these faults or absolved herself from them, made no difference in the sum-total of her failure. Younger and plainer girls had been married off by dozens, and she was nine-and-twenty, and still Miss Bart.
Beyond this, Mrs. Peniston felt no need to do anything for her charge; she simply stayed back and let Lily take charge. Lily had stepped up, at first with the confidence of someone who felt she owned the situation, but gradually her demands grew smaller, and now she found herself actually struggling to maintain a grip on the wide space that had once seemed easily accessible to her. She didn't yet understand how it happened. Sometimes she thought it was because Mrs. Peniston had been too passive, and sometimes she worried it was because she herself hadn't been passive enough. Had she shown too much eagerness for success? Had she lacked patience, flexibility, and the ability to disguise her feelings? Whether she criticized herself for these faults or excused herself from them didn't change the reality of her failure. Younger and less attractive girls had gotten married in droves, and she was twenty-nine years old and still Miss Bart.
She was beginning to have fits of angry rebellion against fate, when she longed to drop out of the race and make an independent life for herself. But what manner of life would it be? She had barely enough money to pay her dress-makers’ bills and her gambling debts; and none of the desultory interests which she dignified with the name of tastes was pronounced enough to enable her to live contentedly in obscurity. Ah, no—she was too intelligent not to be honest with herself. She knew that she hated dinginess as much as her mother had hated it, and to her last breath she meant to fight against it, dragging herself up again and again above its flood till she gained the bright pinnacles of success which presented such a slippery surface to her clutch.
She was starting to feel intense anger towards her situation, wishing she could step away from the race and create an independent life for herself. But what kind of life would that be? She barely had enough money to cover her dressmaker's bills and her gambling debts; and none of the random hobbies she called "tastes" were strong enough to let her live happily in obscurity. Ah, no—she was too smart not to be honest with herself. She knew that she loathed dullness as much as her mother had, and until her last breath, she intended to fight against it, pulling herself up repeatedly above its tide until she reached the bright peaks of success that felt so out of her reach.
Chapter 4
The next morning, on her breakfast tray, Miss Bart found a note from her hostess.
The next morning, Miss Bart found a note from her hostess on her breakfast tray.
“Dearest Lily,” it ran, “if it is not too much of a bore to be down by ten, will you come to my sitting-room to help me with some tiresome things?”
“Dear Lily,” it said, “if it's not too much of a hassle to be down by ten, will you come to my room to help me with some annoying things?”
Lily tossed aside the note and subsided on her pillows with a sigh. It WAS a bore to be down by ten—an hour regarded at Bellomont as vaguely synchronous with sunrise—and she knew too well the nature of the tiresome things in question. Miss Pragg, the secretary, had been called away, and there would be notes and dinner-cards to write, lost addresses to hunt up, and other social drudgery to perform. It was understood that Miss Bart should fill the gap in such emergencies, and she usually recognized the obligation without a murmur.
Lily threw the note aside and flopped back on her pillows with a sigh. Being down by ten—an hour at Bellomont that felt like it was just around sunrise—was such a drag, and she knew all too well what boring tasks awaited her. Miss Pragg, the secretary, had been called away, leaving a pile of notes and dinner invitations to write, missing addresses to track down, and other tedious social chores to take care of. It was understood that Miss Bart would step in during such situations, and she typically accepted the responsibility without complaint.
Today, however, it renewed the sense of servitude which the previous night’s review of her cheque-book had produced. Everything in her surroundings ministered to feelings of ease and amenity. The windows stood open to the sparkling freshness of the September morning, and between the yellow boughs she caught a perspective of hedges and parterres leading by degrees of lessening formality to the free undulations of the park. Her maid had kindled a little fire on the hearth, and it contended cheerfully with the sunlight which slanted across the moss-green carpet and caressed the curved sides of an old marquetry desk. Near the bed stood a table holding her breakfast tray, with its harmonious porcelain and silver, a handful of violets in a slender glass, and the morning paper folded beneath her letters. There was nothing new to Lily in these tokens of a studied luxury; but, though they formed a part of her atmosphere, she never lost her sensitiveness to their charm. Mere display left her with a sense of superior distinction; but she felt an affinity to all the subtler manifestations of wealth.
Today, though, it brought back the feeling of being trapped that the previous night’s look at her bank statements had stirred up. Everything around her contributed to a sense of comfort and relaxation. The windows were open to the fresh sparkle of the September morning, and between the yellow leaves, she glimpsed hedges and flower beds that gradually led to the open, rolling areas of the park. Her maid had lit a small fire in the hearth, and it happily competed with the sunlight that streamed across the moss-green carpet and warmed the curved sides of an old marquetry desk. Near the bed was a table holding her breakfast tray, featuring matching porcelain and silver, a handful of violets in a slender vase, and the morning paper folded under her letters. There was nothing new to Lily in these signs of carefully curated luxury; but, although they were part of her environment, she never lost her sensitivity to their appeal. Simple showiness gave her a feeling of elevated status, but she felt a connection to all the subtler signs of wealth.
Mrs. Trenor’s summons, however, suddenly recalled her state of dependence, and she rose and dressed in a mood of irritability that she was usually too prudent to indulge. She knew that such emotions leave lines on the face as well as in the character, and she had meant to take warning by the little creases which her midnight survey had revealed.
Mrs. Trenor's call, however, suddenly reminded her of her dependence, and she got up and got dressed feeling more irritable than she usually allowed herself to be. She knew that such feelings leave marks on the face as well as on one's character, and she had intended to heed the small lines that her midnight check had shown her.
The matter of course tone of Mrs. Trenor’s greeting deepened her irritation. If one did drag one’s self out of bed at such an hour, and come down fresh and radiant to the monotony of note-writing, some special recognition of the sacrifice seemed fitting. But Mrs. Trenor’s tone showed no consciousness of the fact.
The casual tone of Mrs. Trenor’s greeting only added to her irritation. If someone was going to drag themselves out of bed at such an early hour and come down looking fresh and radiant to deal with the boring task of writing notes, it seemed appropriate to acknowledge the effort. But Mrs. Trenor's tone didn’t reflect any awareness of this.
“Oh, Lily, that’s nice of you,” she merely sighed across the chaos of letters, bills and other domestic documents which gave an incongruously commercial touch to the slender elegance of her writing-table.
“Oh, Lily, that’s really sweet of you,” she just sighed across the mess of letters, bills, and other household papers that added an oddly commercial vibe to the slim elegance of her writing desk.
“There are such lots of horrors this morning,” she added, clearing a space in the centre of the confusion and rising to yield her seat to Miss Bart.
“There are so many horrors this morning,” she added, clearing a space in the middle of the chaos and standing up to give her seat to Miss Bart.
Mrs. Trenor was a tall fair woman, whose height just saved her from redundancy. Her rosy blondness had survived some forty years of futile activity without showing much trace of ill-usage except in a diminished play of feature. It was difficult to define her beyond saying that she seemed to exist only as a hostess, not so much from any exaggerated instinct of hospitality as because she could not sustain life except in a crowd. The collective nature of her interests exempted her from the ordinary rivalries of her sex, and she knew no more personal emotion than that of hatred for the woman who presumed to give bigger dinners or have more amusing house-parties than herself. As her social talents, backed by Mr. Trenor’s bank-account, almost always assured her ultimate triumph in such competitions, success had developed in her an unscrupulous good nature toward the rest of her sex, and in Miss Bart’s utilitarian classification of her friends, Mrs. Trenor ranked as the woman who was least likely to “go back” on her.
Mrs. Trenor was a tall, fair woman, and her height kept her from being overlooked. Her rosy blondness had lasted through about forty years of unproductive activity without showing much wear, except for a slight reduction in her facial expressions. It was hard to define her beyond the fact that she seemed to exist just as a hostess, not so much because of an exaggerated sense of hospitality, but because she couldn’t thrive unless she was in a crowd. The social nature of her interests kept her out of the usual rivalries among women, and she felt no personal emotion stronger than her dislike for women who dared to host larger dinners or more entertaining house parties than hers. Since her social skills, supported by Mr. Trenor’s wealth, almost always guaranteed her victory in such contests, success had fostered in her a somewhat ruthless kindness toward other women, and in Miss Bart’s practical classification of her friends, Mrs. Trenor was regarded as the woman least likely to betray her.
“It was simply inhuman of Pragg to go off now,” Mrs. Trenor declared, as her friend seated herself at the desk. “She says her sister is going to have a baby—as if that were anything to having a house-party! I’m sure I shall get most horribly mixed up and there will be some awful rows. When I was down at Tuxedo I asked a lot of people for next week, and I’ve mislaid the list and can’t remember who is coming. And this week is going to be a horrid failure too—and Gwen Van Osburgh will go back and tell her mother how bored people were. I did mean to ask the Wetheralls—that was a blunder of Gus’s. They disapprove of Carry Fisher, you know. As if one could help having Carry Fisher! It WAS foolish of her to get that second divorce—Carry always overdoes things—but she said the only way to get a penny out of Fisher was to divorce him and make him pay alimony. And poor Carry has to consider every dollar. It’s really absurd of Alice Wetherall to make such a fuss about meeting her, when one thinks of what society is coming to. Some one said the other day that there was a divorce and a case of appendicitis in every family one knows. Besides, Carry is the only person who can keep Gus in a good humour when we have bores in the house. Have you noticed that ALL the husbands like her? All, I mean, except her own. It’s rather clever of her to have made a specialty of devoting herself to dull people—the field is such a large one, and she has it practically to herself. She finds compensations, no doubt—I know she borrows money of Gus—but then I’d PAY her to keep him in a good humour, so I can’t complain, after all.”
“It was just cruel of Pragg to leave now,” Mrs. Trenor said as her friend settled at the desk. “She claims her sister is having a baby—as if that’s a valid reason to skip a house party! I’m sure I’ll get completely confused and there will be some terrible arguments. When I was at Tuxedo, I invited a bunch of people for next week, but I’ve misplaced the list and can’t recall who’s coming. And this week is going to be a total flop too—and Gwen Van Osburgh will go back and tell her mom how boring it was. I meant to invite the Wetheralls—that was one of Gus’s mistakes. They don’t like Carry Fisher, you know. As if anyone could help having Carry Fisher around! It WAS silly of her to get that second divorce—Carry always goes overboard—but she said the only way to squeeze a dime out of Fisher was to divorce him and make him pay alimony. And poor Carry has to think about every dollar. It’s really ridiculous of Alice Wetherall to make such a fuss about meeting her, considering what society is coming to. Someone said the other day that there’s a divorce and a case of appendicitis in every family we know. Besides, Carry is the only one who can keep Gus in a good mood when we have dull guests over. Have you noticed that ALL the husbands like her? All, I mean, except her own. It’s quite clever of her to focus on dull people—there’s such a big market for it, and she has it pretty much to herself. She finds ways to benefit, no doubt—I know she borrows money from Gus—but I’d actually PAY her to keep him in a good mood, so I can’t complain, after all.”
Mrs. Trenor paused to enjoy the spectacle of Miss Bart’s efforts to unravel her tangled correspondence.
Mrs. Trenor stopped to take in the sight of Miss Bart trying to sort out her messy letters.
“But it is only the Wetheralls and Carry,” she resumed, with a fresh note of lament. “The truth is, I’m awfully disappointed in Lady Cressida Raith.”
“But it’s just the Wetheralls and Carry,” she went on, with a new tone of sadness. “Honestly, I’m really disappointed in Lady Cressida Raith.”
“Disappointed? Had you known her before?”
“Disappointed? Had you ever met her before?”
“Mercy, no—never saw her till yesterday. Lady Skiddaw sent her over with letters to the Van Osburghs, and I heard that Maria Van Osburgh was asking a big party to meet her this week, so I thought it would be fun to get her away, and Jack Stepney, who knew her in India, managed it for me. Maria was furious, and actually had the impudence to make Gwen invite herself here, so that they shouldn’t be QUITE out of it—if I’d known what Lady Cressida was like, they could have had her and welcome! But I thought any friend of the Skiddaws’ was sure to be amusing. You remember what fun Lady Skiddaw was? There were times when I simply had to send the girls out of the room. Besides, Lady Cressida is the Duchess of Beltshire’s sister, and I naturally supposed she was the same sort; but you never can tell in those English families. They are so big that there’s room for all kinds, and it turns out that Lady Cressida is the moral one—married a clergyman and does missionary work in the East End. Think of my taking such a lot of trouble about a clergyman’s wife, who wears Indian jewelry and botanizes! She made Gus take her all through the glass-houses yesterday, and bothered him to death by asking him the names of the plants. Fancy treating Gus as if he were the gardener!”
“Mercy, no—never saw her until yesterday. Lady Skiddaw sent her over with letters for the Van Osburghs, and I heard that Maria Van Osburgh was planning a big party this week, so I thought it would be fun to get her away, and Jack Stepney, who knew her in India, made it happen for me. Maria was furious and actually had the nerve to make Gwen invite herself here so that they wouldn’t be completely left out—if I’d known what Lady Cressida was like, they could have had her and been glad about it! But I thought any friend of the Skiddaws would be entertaining. Remember how much fun Lady Skiddaw was? There were times I just had to send the girls out of the room. Plus, Lady Cressida is the Duchess of Beltshire’s sister, so I naturally assumed she’d be similar, but you can never tell with those English families. They’re so large that there’s space for all kinds, and it turns out Lady Cressida is the moral one—married a clergyman and does missionary work in the East End. Can you believe I went through all that trouble for a clergyman’s wife, who wears Indian jewelry and loves to botanize? She had Gus take her all around the glasshouses yesterday and drove him crazy by asking him the names of the plants. Imagine treating Gus like he was the gardener!”
Mrs. Trenor brought this out in a CRESCENDO of indignation.
Mrs. Trenor expressed this with a crescendo of anger.
“Oh, well, perhaps Lady Cressida will reconcile the Wetheralls to meeting Carry Fisher,” said Miss Bart pacifically.
“Oh, well, maybe Lady Cressida will help the Wetheralls be okay with meeting Carry Fisher,” said Miss Bart calmly.
“I’m sure I hope so! But she is boring all the men horribly, and if she takes to distributing tracts, as I hear she does, it will be too depressing. The worst of it is that she would have been so useful at the right time. You know we have to have the Bishop once a year, and she would have given just the right tone to things. I always have horrid luck about the Bishop’s visits,” added Mrs. Trenor, whose present misery was being fed by a rapidly rising tide of reminiscence; “last year, when he came, Gus forgot all about his being here, and brought home the Ned Wintons and the Farleys—five divorces and six sets of children between them!”
“I really hope so! But she’s boring all the guys to death, and if she starts handing out pamphlets like I hear she does, it’ll be way too depressing. The worst part is that she would have been so helpful at the right time. You know we have to host the Bishop once a year, and she would have set the perfect tone for everything. I always have miserable luck with the Bishop's visits,” added Mrs. Trenor, whose current misery was being fueled by a quickly rising wave of memories; “last year, when he came, Gus completely forgot he was here and brought home the Ned Wintons and the Farleys—five divorces and six sets of kids between them!”
“When is Lady Cressida going?” Lily enquired.
“When is Lady Cressida leaving?” Lily asked.
Mrs. Trenor cast up her eyes in despair. “My dear, if one only knew! I was in such a hurry to get her away from Maria that I actually forgot to name a date, and Gus says she told some one she meant to stop here all winter.”
Mrs. Trenor looked up in despair. “My dear, if only we knew! I was so eager to get her away from Maria that I completely forgot to set a date, and Gus says she told someone she plans to stay here all winter.”
“To stop here? In this house?”
“To stop here? In this house?”
“Don’t be silly—in America. But if no one else asks her—you know they NEVER go to hotels.”
“Don’t be ridiculous—in America. But if no one else asks her—you know they NEVER stay at hotels.”
“Perhaps Gus only said it to frighten you.”
“Maybe Gus just said that to scare you.”
“No—I heard her tell Bertha Dorset that she had six months to put in while her husband was taking the cure in the Engadine. You should have seen Bertha look vacant! But it’s no joke, you know—if she stays here all the autumn she’ll spoil everything, and Maria Van Osburgh will simply exult.”
“No—I heard her tell Bertha Dorset that she had six months to kill while her husband was getting treatment in the Engadine. You should have seen Bertha’s blank expression! But it’s serious, you know—if she stays here all autumn, she’ll ruin everything, and Maria Van Osburgh will be absolutely thrilled.”
At this affecting vision Mrs. Trenor’s voice trembled with self-pity.
At this touching scene, Mrs. Trenor's voice shook with self-pity.
“Oh, Judy—as if any one were ever bored at Bellomont!” Miss Bart tactfully protested. “You know perfectly well that, if Mrs. Van Osburgh were to get all the right people and leave you with all the wrong ones, you’d manage to make things go off, and she wouldn’t.”
“Oh, Judy—like anyone could ever be bored at Bellomont!” Miss Bart skillfully countered. “You know very well that if Mrs. Van Osburgh gathered all the right people and left you with all the wrong ones, you’d still make it work, and she wouldn’t.”
Such an assurance would usually have restored Mrs. Trenor’s complacency; but on this occasion it did not chase the cloud from her brow.
Such an assurance would usually have returned Mrs. Trenor’s confidence; but this time it didn’t lift the frown from her face.
“It isn’t only Lady Cressida,” she lamented. “Everything has gone wrong this week. I can see that Bertha Dorset is furious with me.”
“It’s not just Lady Cressida,” she said sadly. “Everything has gone wrong this week. I can tell that Bertha Dorset is really mad at me.”
“Furious with you? Why?”
“Angry with you? Why?”
“Because I told her that Lawrence Selden was coming; but he wouldn’t, after all, and she’s quite unreasonable enough to think it’s my fault.”
“Because I told her that Lawrence Selden was coming; but he’s not, after all, and she’s unreasonable enough to think it’s my fault.”
Miss Bart put down her pen and sat absently gazing at the note she had begun.
Miss Bart put down her pen and sat there, absentmindedly staring at the note she had started.
“I thought that was all over,” she said.
“I thought that was all behind me,” she said.
“So it is, on his side. And of course Bertha has been idle since. But I fancy she’s out of a job just at present—and some one gave me a hint that I had better ask Lawrence. Well, I DID ask him—but I couldn’t make him come; and now I suppose she’ll take it out of me by being perfectly nasty to every one else.”
“So it is, on his side. And of course Bertha has been lazy since. But I think she’s currently out of work—and someone told me I should ask Lawrence. Well, I DID ask him—but I couldn’t get him to come; and now I guess she’ll take it out on me by being completely unpleasant to everyone else.”
“Oh, she may take it out of HIM by being perfectly charming—to some one else.”
“Oh, she might win him over by being absolutely charming—to someone else.”
Mrs. Trenor shook her head dolefully. “She knows he wouldn’t mind. And who else is there? Alice Wetherall won’t let Lucius out of her sight. Ned Silverton can’t take his eyes off Carry Fisher—poor boy! Gus is bored by Bertha, Jack Stepney knows her too well—and—well, to be sure, there’s Percy Gryce!”
Mrs. Trenor shook her head sadly. “She knows he wouldn’t care. And who else is there? Alice Wetherall won’t let Lucius out of her sight. Ned Silverton can’t stop staring at Carry Fisher—poor guy! Gus is bored with Bertha, Jack Stepney knows her too well—and—well, there’s Percy Gryce!”
She sat up smiling at the thought.
She sat up, smiling at the thought.
Miss Bart’s countenance did not reflect the smile.
Miss Bart's face didn't show the smile.
“Oh, she and Mr. Gryce would not be likely to hit it off.”
“Oh, she and Mr. Gryce probably wouldn't get along.”
“You mean that she’d shock him and he’d bore her? Well, that’s not such a bad beginning, you know. But I hope she won’t take it into her head to be nice to him, for I asked him here on purpose for you.”
“You mean that she’d surprise him and he’d be dull for her? Well, that’s not such a bad start, you know. But I hope she doesn’t decide to be nice to him because I invited him here specifically for you.”
Lily laughed. “MERCI DU COMPLIMENT! I should certainly have no show against Bertha.”
Lily laughed. “THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT! I definitely wouldn't stand a chance against Bertha.”
“Do you think I am uncomplimentary? I’m not really, you know. Every one knows you’re a thousand times handsomer and cleverer than Bertha; but then you’re not nasty. And for always getting what she wants in the long run, commend me to a nasty woman.”
“Do you think I’m being rude? I’m really not. Everyone knows you’re a thousand times better looking and smarter than Bertha; but you’re not mean. And when it comes to always getting what she wants in the end, give me a mean woman.”
Miss Bart stared in affected reproval. “I thought you were so fond of Bertha.”
Miss Bart looked at her in a disapproving way. “I thought you liked Bertha so much.”
“Oh, I am—it’s much safer to be fond of dangerous people. But she IS dangerous—and if I ever saw her up to mischief it’s now. I can tell by poor George’s manner. That man is a perfect barometer—he always knows when Bertha is going to——”
“Oh, I am—it’s way safer to like dangerous people. But she IS dangerous—and if I ever saw her getting into trouble, it’s now. I can tell by poor George’s mood. That guy is a perfect barometer—he always knows when Bertha is going to——”
“To fall?” Miss Bart suggested.
"To fall?" Miss Bart proposed.
“Don’t be shocking! You know he believes in her still. And of course I don’t say there’s any real harm in Bertha. Only she delights in making people miserable, and especially poor George.”
“Don’t be surprised! You know he still believes in her. And I’m not saying there’s any real danger with Bertha. It’s just that she enjoys making people miserable, especially poor George.”
“Well, he seems cut out for the part—I don’t wonder she likes more cheerful companionship.”
“Well, he seems perfect for the role—I’m not surprised she prefers more cheerful company.”
“Oh, George is not as dismal as you think. If Bertha did worry him he would be quite different. Or if she’d leave him alone, and let him arrange his life as he pleases. But she doesn’t dare lose her hold of him on account of the money, and so when HE isn’t jealous she pretends to be.”
“Oh, George isn’t as gloomy as you think. If Bertha really bothered him, he would be a lot different. Or if she’d just give him some space to arrange his life as he wishes. But she’s afraid to lose her grip on him because of the money, so when HE isn’t jealous, she acts like she is.”
Miss Bart went on writing in silence, and her hostess sat following her train of thought with frowning intensity.
Miss Bart continued to write in silence, while her hostess watched her with a frown, intensely focused on her thoughts.
“Do you know,” she exclaimed after a long pause, “I believe I’ll call up Lawrence on the telephone and tell him he simply MUST come?”
“Do you know,” she said after a long pause, “I think I’ll call Lawrence on the phone and tell him he absolutely HAS to come?”
“Oh, don’t,” said Lily, with a quick suffusion of colour. The blush surprised her almost as much as it did her hostess, who, though not commonly observant of facial changes, sat staring at her with puzzled eyes.
“Oh, don’t,” said Lily, quickly blushing. The blush surprised her almost as much as it did her hostess, who, although not usually attentive to changes in expressions, sat staring at her with confused eyes.
“Good gracious, Lily, how handsome you are! Why? Do you dislike him so much?”
“Wow, Lily, you look amazing! Why do you dislike him so much?”
“Not at all; I like him. But if you are actuated by the benevolent intention of protecting me from Bertha—I don’t think I need your protection.”
“Not at all; I like him. But if you're trying to protect me from Bertha out of kindness—I don’t think I need your help.”
Mrs. Trenor sat up with an exclamation. “Lily!——PERCY? Do you mean to say you’ve actually done it?”
Mrs. Trenor sat up with an exclamation. “Lily!——PERCY? Are you really saying you’ve actually done it?”
Miss Bart smiled. “I only mean to say that Mr. Gryce and I are getting to be very good friends.”
Miss Bart smiled. “I just mean to say that Mr. Gryce and I are becoming really good friends.”
“H’m—I see.” Mrs. Trenor fixed a rapt eye upon her. “You know they say he has eight hundred thousand a year—and spends nothing, except on some rubbishy old books. And his mother has heart-disease and will leave him a lot more. OH, LILY, DO GO SLOWLY,” her friend adjured her.
“Hmm—I get it.” Mrs. Trenor stared intently at her. “You know they say he makes eight hundred thousand a year—and doesn’t spend much, except on some junky old books. And his mom has heart issues and will leave him even more. OH, LILY, PLEASE TAKE IT SLOW,” her friend urged her.
Miss Bart continued to smile without annoyance. “I shouldn’t, for instance,” she remarked, “be in any haste to tell him that he had a lot of rubbishy old books.”
Miss Bart kept smiling without getting bothered. “I shouldn’t, for example,” she said, “be in any hurry to tell him that he has a bunch of junky old books.”
“No, of course not; I know you’re wonderful about getting up people’s subjects. But he’s horribly shy, and easily shocked, and—and——”
“No, of course not; I know you’re great at bringing up people’s topics. But he’s really shy, and easily offended, and—and——”
“Why don’t you say it, Judy? I have the reputation of being on the hunt for a rich husband?”
“Why don’t you just come out and say it, Judy? I have this reputation for chasing after a wealthy husband?”
“Oh, I don’t mean that; he wouldn’t believe it of you—at first,” said Mrs. Trenor, with candid shrewdness. “But you know things are rather lively here at times—I must give Jack and Gus a hint—and if he thought you were what his mother would call fast—oh, well, you know what I mean. Don’t wear your scarlet CREPE-DE-CHINE for dinner, and don’t smoke if you can help it, Lily dear!”
“Oh, I don’t mean that; he wouldn’t believe it about you—at first,” said Mrs. Trenor, with honest insight. “But you know things can get a bit wild here sometimes—I should give Jack and Gus a heads-up—and if he thought you were what his mother would call promiscuous—oh, well, you know what I mean. Don’t wear your bright red CREPE-DE-CHINE for dinner, and try not to smoke if you can avoid it, Lily dear!”
Lily pushed aside her finished work with a dry smile. “You’re very kind, Judy: I’ll lock up my cigarettes and wear that last year’s dress you sent me this morning. And if you are really interested in my career, perhaps you’ll be kind enough not to ask me to play bridge again this evening.”
Lily pushed aside her completed work with a dry smile. “You’re so generous, Judy: I’ll put away my cigarettes and wear that dress from last year that you sent me this morning. And if you’re truly interested in my career, maybe you’ll be nice enough not to ask me to play bridge again tonight.”
“Bridge? Does he mind bridge, too? Oh, Lily, what an awful life you’ll lead! But of course I won’t—why didn’t you give me a hint last night? There’s nothing I wouldn’t do, you poor duck, to see you happy!”
“Bridge? Does he like bridge, too? Oh, Lily, what a terrible life you’re going to have! But of course I won’t—why didn’t you give me a clue last night? There’s nothing I wouldn’t do, you poor thing, to see you happy!”
And Mrs. Trenor, glowing with her sex’s eagerness to smooth the course of true love, enveloped Lily in a long embrace.
And Mrs. Trenor, full of her gender's eagerness to support true love, wrapped Lily in a long hug.
“You’re quite sure,” she added solicitously, as the latter extricated herself, “that you wouldn’t like me to telephone for Lawrence Selden?”
“You're really sure,” she said kindly, as the other woman got herself free, “that you wouldn’t want me to call Lawrence Selden?”
“Quite sure,” said Lily.
“Pretty sure,” said Lily.
The next three days demonstrated to her own complete satisfaction Miss Bart’s ability to manage her affairs without extraneous aid.
The next three days showed Miss Bart’s ability to handle her own affairs without outside help, much to her complete satisfaction.
As she sat, on the Saturday afternoon, on the terrace at Bellomont, she smiled at Mrs. Trenor’s fear that she might go too fast. If such a warning had ever been needful, the years had taught her a salutary lesson, and she flattered herself that she now knew how to adapt her pace to the object of pursuit. In the case of Mr. Gryce she had found it well to flutter ahead, losing herself elusively and luring him on from depth to depth of unconscious intimacy. The surrounding atmosphere was propitious to this scheme of courtship. Mrs. Trenor, true to her word, had shown no signs of expecting Lily at the bridge-table, and had even hinted to the other card-players that they were to betray no surprise at her unwonted defection. In consequence of this hint, Lily found herself the centre of that feminine solicitude which envelops a young woman in the mating season. A solitude was tacitly created for her in the crowded existence of Bellomont, and her friends could not have shown a greater readiness for self-effacement had her wooing been adorned with all the attributes of romance. In Lily’s set this conduct implied a sympathetic comprehension of her motives, and Mr. Gryce rose in her esteem as she saw the consideration he inspired.
As she sat on the terrace at Bellomont on a Saturday afternoon, she smiled at Mrs. Trenor’s worry that she might rush things. If such a warning had ever been necessary, the years had taught her a valuable lesson, and she believed she now knew how to adjust her pace to what she was pursuing. With Mr. Gryce, she had found it effective to lead him on, losing herself in a way that drew him deeper into an unconscious intimacy. The atmosphere around her was perfect for this kind of courtship. Mrs. Trenor, keeping her promise, showed no signs of expecting Lily at the bridge table and even suggested to the other players that they shouldn’t express surprise at her unusual absence. Because of this, Lily found herself at the center of the feminine concern that surrounds a young woman during the mating season. A kind of solitude was quietly created for her in the busy life at Bellomont, and her friends couldn’t have been more willing to step back if her courtship had been filled with all the finesse of romance. In Lily’s social circle, this behavior indicated a sympathetic understanding of her motives, and her regard for Mr. Gryce increased as she noticed the respect he commanded.
The terrace at Bellomont on a September afternoon was a spot propitious to sentimental musings, and as Miss Bart stood leaning against the balustrade above the sunken garden, at a little distance from the animated group about the tea-table, she might have been lost in the mazes of an inarticulate happiness. In reality, her thoughts were finding definite utterance in the tranquil recapitulation of the blessings in store for her. From where she stood she could see them embodied in the form of Mr. Gryce, who, in a light overcoat and muffler, sat somewhat nervously on the edge of his chair, while Carry Fisher, with all the energy of eye and gesture with which nature and art had combined to endow her, pressed on him the duty of taking part in the task of municipal reform.
The terrace at Bellomont on a September afternoon was a perfect place for sentimental thoughts, and as Miss Bart leaned against the balustrade above the sunken garden, a little away from the lively group at the tea table, she could have seemed lost in a maze of inexpressible happiness. In reality, her thoughts were articulating the blessings ahead of her. From her viewpoint, she could see them embodied in Mr. Gryce, who, wearing a light overcoat and scarf, sat somewhat nervously on the edge of his chair, while Carry Fisher, with all the energy in her eyes and gestures that nature and art had given her, urged him to participate in the task of municipal reform.
Mrs. Fisher’s latest hobby was municipal reform. It had been preceded by an equal zeal for socialism, which had in turn replaced an energetic advocacy of Christian Science. Mrs. Fisher was small, fiery and dramatic; and her hands and eyes were admirable instruments in the service of whatever causes she happened to espouse. She had, however, the fault common to enthusiasts of ignoring any slackness of response on the part of her hearers, and Lily was amused by her unconsciousness of the resistance displayed in every angle of Mr. Gryce’s attitude. Lily herself knew that his mind was divided between the dread of catching cold if he remained out of doors too long at that hour, and the fear that, if he retreated to the house, Mrs. Fisher might follow him up with a paper to be signed. Mr. Gryce had a constitutional dislike to what he called “committing himself,” and tenderly as he cherished his health, he evidently concluded that it was safer to stay out of reach of pen and ink till chance released him from Mrs. Fisher’s toils. Meanwhile he cast agonized glances in the direction of Miss Bart, whose only response was to sink into an attitude of more graceful abstraction. She had learned the value of contrast in throwing her charms into relief, and was fully aware of the extent to which Mrs. Fisher’s volubility was enhancing her own repose.
Mrs. Fisher's latest hobby was municipal reform. Before that, she had been equally passionate about socialism, which had replaced her enthusiastic support for Christian Science. Mrs. Fisher was small, fiery, and dramatic; her hands and eyes were powerful tools for whatever causes she championed. However, she had the common flaw of enthusiasts, ignoring any lack of response from her audience, and Lily found it amusing how unaware she was of the resistance present in Mr. Gryce’s demeanor. Lily knew that his mind was torn between the dread of catching a cold if he stayed outside too long and the fear that if he went back inside, Mrs. Fisher might chase him down with a paper to sign. Mr. Gryce had a strong aversion to what he called "committing himself," and as much as he valued his health, he evidently decided it was safer to stay out of reach of pen and ink until chance freed him from Mrs. Fisher's grasp. Meanwhile, he threw desperate looks toward Miss Bart, whose only response was to sink into a more graceful sense of detachment. She understood the importance of contrast in highlighting her charms, fully aware of how Mrs. Fisher's chatter made her own calmness stand out even more.
She was roused from her musings by the approach of her cousin Jack Stepney who, at Gwen Van Osburgh’s side, was returning across the garden from the tennis court.
She was brought back to reality by the arrival of her cousin Jack Stepney, who was walking back across the garden from the tennis court with Gwen Van Osburgh.
The couple in question were engaged in the same kind of romance in which Lily figured, and the latter felt a certain annoyance in contemplating what seemed to her a caricature of her own situation. Miss Van Osburgh was a large girl with flat surfaces and no high lights: Jack Stepney had once said of her that she was as reliable as roast mutton. His own taste was in the line of less solid and more highly-seasoned diet; but hunger makes any fare palatable, and there had been times when Mr. Stepney had been reduced to a crust.
The couple in question were caught up in a romance similar to the one Lily was involved in, and she felt a bit annoyed by what looked to her like a mockery of her own situation. Miss Van Osburgh was a big girl with flat features and no highlights: Jack Stepney once described her as being as dependable as roast mutton. His own preferences leaned towards less substantial and more flavorful options; however, hunger makes any food seem tasty, and there were times when Mr. Stepney had been left with just a crust.
Lily considered with interest the expression of their faces: the girl’s turned toward her companion’s like an empty plate held up to be filled, while the man lounging at her side already betrayed the encroaching boredom which would presently crack the thin veneer of his smile.
Lily observed the expressions on their faces with curiosity: the girl’s looked at her companion like an empty plate waiting to be filled, while the man beside her was already showing signs of the boredom that would soon break through the thin mask of his smile.
“How impatient men are!” Lily reflected. “All Jack has to do to get everything he wants is to keep quiet and let that girl marry him; whereas I have to calculate and contrive, and retreat and advance, as if I were going through an intricate dance, where one misstep would throw me hopelessly out of time.”
“How impatient men are!” Lily thought. “All Jack has to do to get everything he wants is stay quiet and let that girl marry him; meanwhile, I have to plan and strategize, and pull back and move forward, like I’m doing a complicated dance where one wrong step would throw me completely off beat.”
As they drew nearer she was whimsically struck by a kind of family likeness between Miss Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce. There was no resemblance of feature. Gryce was handsome in a didactic way—he looked like a clever pupil’s drawing from a plaster-cast—while Gwen’s countenance had no more modelling than a face painted on a toy balloon. But the deeper affinity was unmistakable: the two had the same prejudices and ideals, and the same quality of making other standards non-existent by ignoring them. This attribute was common to most of Lily’s set: they had a force of negation which eliminated everything beyond their own range of perception. Gryce and Miss Van Osburgh were, in short, made for each other by every law of moral and physical correspondence——“Yet they wouldn’t look at each other,” Lily mused, “they never do. Each of them wants a creature of a different race, of Jack’s race and mine, with all sorts of intuitions, sensations and perceptions that they don’t even guess the existence of. And they always get what they want.”
As they got closer, she was playfully struck by a kind of family resemblance between Miss Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce. There was no similarity in their features. Gryce was handsome in a textbook way—he looked like a skilled student’s drawing from a plaster cast—while Gwen’s face had as much shape as a face painted on a toy balloon. But the deeper connection was clear: they shared the same biases and ideals and had the same knack for disregarding other standards by ignoring them. This trait was common among most of Lily’s circle: they had a power of negation that eliminated everything outside their own perception. Gryce and Miss Van Osburgh were, in short, made for each other by every rule of moral and physical compatibility—“Yet they wouldn’t look at each other,” Lily thought, “they never do. Each of them wants someone from a different background, like Jack and me, with all kinds of intuitions, feelings, and perceptions that they don’t even know exist. And they always get what they want.”
She stood talking with her cousin and Miss Van Osburgh, till a slight cloud on the latter’s brow advised her that even cousinly amenities were subject to suspicion, and Miss Bart, mindful of the necessity of not exciting enmities at this crucial point of her career, dropped aside while the happy couple proceeded toward the tea-table.
She was chatting with her cousin and Miss Van Osburgh until she noticed a slight frown on Miss Van Osburgh's face that suggested even friendly gestures could be questioned. Aware of the need to avoid creating any tension at this important moment in her life, Miss Bart stepped aside as the happy couple moved toward the tea table.
Seating herself on the upper step of the terrace, Lily leaned her head against the honeysuckles wreathing the balustrade. The fragrance of the late blossoms seemed an emanation of the tranquil scene, a landscape tutored to the last degree of rural elegance. In the foreground glowed the warm tints of the gardens. Beyond the lawn, with its pyramidal pale-gold maples and velvety firs, sloped pastures dotted with cattle; and through a long glade the river widened like a lake under the silver light of September. Lily did not want to join the circle about the tea-table. They represented the future she had chosen, and she was content with it, but in no haste to anticipate its joys. The certainty that she could marry Percy Gryce when she pleased had lifted a heavy load from her mind, and her money troubles were too recent for their removal not to leave a sense of relief which a less discerning intelligence might have taken for happiness. Her vulgar cares were at an end. She would be able to arrange her life as she pleased, to soar into that empyrean of security where creditors cannot penetrate. She would have smarter gowns than Judy Trenor, and far, far more jewels than Bertha Dorset. She would be free forever from the shifts, the expedients, the humiliations of the relatively poor. Instead of having to flatter, she would be flattered; instead of being grateful, she would receive thanks. There were old scores she could pay off as well as old benefits she could return. And she had no doubts as to the extent of her power. She knew that Mr. Gryce was of the small chary type most inaccessible to impulses and emotions. He had the kind of character in which prudence is a vice, and good advice the most dangerous nourishment. But Lily had known the species before: she was aware that such a guarded nature must find one huge outlet of egoism, and she determined to be to him what his Americana had hitherto been: the one possession in which he took sufficient pride to spend money on it. She knew that this generosity to self is one of the forms of meanness, and she resolved so to identify herself with her husband’s vanity that to gratify her wishes would be to him the most exquisite form of self-indulgence. The system might at first necessitate a resort to some of the very shifts and expedients from which she intended it should free her; but she felt sure that in a short time she would be able to play the game in her own way. How should she have distrusted her powers? Her beauty itself was not the mere ephemeral possession it might have been in the hands of inexperience: her skill in enhancing it, the care she took of it, the use she made of it, seemed to give it a kind of permanence. She felt she could trust it to carry her through to the end.
Sitting on the upper step of the terrace, Lily rested her head against the honeysuckles wrapping around the balustrade. The scent of the late blooms seemed to reflect the peaceful scene, a landscape refined to the highest level of country charm. In the foreground, the warm colors of the gardens stood out. Beyond the lawn, with its pyramidal pale-gold maples and soft firs, stretched pastures sprinkled with cattle; and through a long glade, the river widened like a lake under the silver light of September. Lily didn’t want to join the group around the tea table. They symbolized the future she had chosen, and she was content with it, but wasn’t in a rush to experience its pleasures. The knowledge that she could marry Percy Gryce whenever she wanted had lifted a heavy burden from her mind, and her money issues were still fresh enough to leave her with a sense of relief that someone less insightful might have mistaken for happiness. Her petty worries were over. She would be able to shape her life as she liked, ascending to that level of security where creditors couldn’t reach her. She would have fancier dresses than Judy Trenor and far more jewelry than Bertha Dorset. She would be free from the struggles, tricks, and humiliations of being relatively poor. Instead of needing to flatter, she would be the one receiving compliments; instead of being grateful, she would be the one thanked. She could settle old scores and return past favors. And she had no doubts about her influence. She understood that Mr. Gryce was the type who was seldom swayed by emotions. He had a character where caution was a weakness, and good advice was the most tempting trap. But Lily had encountered this type before: she knew that such a guarded nature must have one significant outlet for its selfishness, and she decided to become to him what his Americana had always been: the one thing he took enough pride in to spend money on. She realized that this self-indulgence is a form of meanness, and she committed to making her own desires align with his vanity so that fulfilling her wishes would feel to him like a true form of self-gratification. At first, this strategy might require relying on some of the very tricks and schemes she wanted to break free from; but she was confident that soon enough she would be able to play the game her way. Why would she doubt her abilities? Her beauty wasn’t just a fleeting advantage; her talent in enhancing it, the care she took, and the way she utilized it gave it a certain permanence. She felt she could trust it to carry her through to the end.
And the end, on the whole, was worthwhile. Life was not the mockery she had thought it three days ago. There was room for her, after all, in this crowded selfish world of pleasure whence, so short a time since, her poverty had seemed to exclude her. These people whom she had ridiculed and yet envied were glad to make a place for her in the charmed circle about which all her desires revolved. They were not as brutal and self-engrossed as she had fancied—or rather, since it would no longer be necessary to flatter and humour them, that side of their nature became less conspicuous. Society is a revolving body which is apt to be judged according to its place in each man’s heaven; and at present it was turning its illuminated face to Lily.
In the end, it all felt worthwhile. Life wasn’t the joke she thought it was three days ago. There was room for her, after all, in this crowded, selfish world of pleasure that, just a short time ago, her poverty had seemed to shut her out of. The people she had mocked and envied were happy to make a space for her in the exclusive circle where all her desires revolved. They weren't as cruel and self-absorbed as she had imagined—or rather, now that she didn’t have to flatter or appease them, that side of their nature became less noticeable. Society is a changing entity that tends to be judged based on where someone stands in their personal experience; right now, it was showing its bright side to Lily.
In the rosy glow it diffused her companions seemed full of amiable qualities. She liked their elegance, their lightness, their lack of emphasis: even the self-assurance which at times was so like obtuseness now seemed the natural sign of social ascendency. They were lords of the only world she cared for, and they were ready to admit her to their ranks and let her lord it with them. Already she felt within her a stealing allegiance to their standards, an acceptance of their limitations, a disbelief in the things they did not believe in, a contemptuous pity for the people who were not able to live as they lived.
In the warm light around her, her friends seemed to embody all the best qualities. She appreciated their elegance, their ease, and their relaxed vibe: even the confidence that sometimes came off as cluelessness now felt like a natural sign of their social status. They were the rulers of the only world that mattered to her, and they were ready to welcome her into their circle and let her stand alongside them. She could already feel a growing loyalty to their values, an acceptance of their limits, a skepticism toward the things they rejected, and a dismissive pity for those who couldn't live as they did.
The early sunset was slanting across the park. Through the boughs of the long avenue beyond the gardens she caught the flash of wheels, and divined that more visitors were approaching. There was a movement behind her, a scattering of steps and voices: it was evident that the party about the tea-table was breaking up. Presently she heard a tread behind her on the terrace. She supposed that Mr. Gryce had at last found means to escape from his predicament, and she smiled at the significance of his coming to join her instead of beating an instant retreat to the fireside.
The early sunset was casting a warm glow over the park. Through the branches of the long avenue beyond the gardens, she saw the flash of wheels and realized more visitors were on their way. She noticed movement behind her—a flurry of footsteps and voices—indicating that the group around the tea table was breaking up. Soon, she heard footsteps on the terrace behind her. She figured Mr. Gryce had finally managed to get out of his awkward situation, and she smiled at the fact that he chose to come join her instead of making a quick escape to the warmth of the fireside.
She turned to give him the welcome which such gallantry deserved; but her greeting wavered into a blush of wonder, for the man who had approached her was Lawrence Selden.
She turned to greet him the way such chivalry deserved; but her welcome faltered into a blush of surprise, because the man who had come up to her was Lawrence Selden.
“You see I came after all,” he said; but before she had time to answer, Mrs. Dorset, breaking away from a lifeless colloquy with her host, had stepped between them with a little gesture of appropriation.
“You see I came after all,” he said; but before she could respond, Mrs. Dorset, breaking away from a dull conversation with her host, stepped between them with a slight gesture of claiming her space.
Chapter 5
The observance of Sunday at Bellomont was chiefly marked by the punctual appearance of the smart omnibus destined to convey the household to the little church at the gates. Whether any one got into the omnibus or not was a matter of secondary importance, since by standing there it not only bore witness to the orthodox intentions of the family, but made Mrs. Trenor feel, when she finally heard it drive away, that she had somehow vicariously made use of it.
The way Sunday was observed at Bellomont mainly revolved around the timely arrival of the stylish bus meant to take the family to the small church at the entrance. Whether anyone actually boarded the bus didn't really matter; its presence alone showed the family's traditional values. Moreover, when Mrs. Trenor eventually heard it leave, she felt like she had experienced it in some way through others.
It was Mrs. Trenor’s theory that her daughters actually did go to church every Sunday; but their French governess’s convictions calling her to the rival fane, and the fatigues of the week keeping their mother in her room till luncheon, there was seldom any one present to verify the fact. Now and then, in a spasmodic burst of virtue—when the house had been too uproarious over night—Gus Trenor forced his genial bulk into a tight frock-coat and routed his daughters from their slumbers; but habitually, as Lily explained to Mr. Gryce, this parental duty was forgotten till the church bells were ringing across the park, and the omnibus had driven away empty.
It was Mrs. Trenor’s belief that her daughters actually went to church every Sunday; however, their French governess’s beliefs drew her to a competing church, and the exhaustion from the week kept their mother in her room until lunchtime, so there was rarely anyone around to confirm it. Occasionally, in a sudden burst of virtue—especially after a rowdy night—Gus Trenor would squeeze his large frame into a fitted frock coat and drag his daughters out of bed; but usually, as Lily explained to Mr. Gryce, this parental responsibility was forgotten until the church bells were ringing across the park and the bus had left empty.
Lily had hinted to Mr. Gryce that this neglect of religious observances was repugnant to her early traditions, and that during her visits to Bellomont she regularly accompanied Muriel and Hilda to church. This tallied with the assurance, also confidentially imparted, that, never having played bridge before, she had been “dragged into it” on the night of her arrival, and had lost an appalling amount of money in consequence of her ignorance of the game and of the rules of betting. Mr. Gryce was undoubtedly enjoying Bellomont. He liked the ease and glitter of the life, and the lustre conferred on him by being a member of this group of rich and conspicuous people. But he thought it a very materialistic society; there were times when he was frightened by the talk of the men and the looks of the ladies, and he was glad to find that Miss Bart, for all her ease and self-possession, was not at home in so ambiguous an atmosphere. For this reason he had been especially pleased to learn that she would, as usual, attend the young Trenors to church on Sunday morning; and as he paced the gravel sweep before the door, his light overcoat on his arm and his prayer-book in one carefully-gloved hand, he reflected agreeably on the strength of character which kept her true to her early training in surroundings so subversive to religious principles.
Lily had suggested to Mr. Gryce that her lack of religious practices was against her early values, and that during her visits to Bellomont she regularly went to church with Muriel and Hilda. This matched with her earlier admission, also shared in confidence, that since she had never played bridge before, she had been “pulled into it” on the night she arrived and had lost a shocking amount of money due to her lack of knowledge about the game and betting rules. Mr. Gryce was definitely enjoying Bellomont. He appreciated the relaxed and glamorous lifestyle, and the prestige of being part of this group of wealthy and prominent people. However, he found it to be a very materialistic society; there were moments when he was uncomfortable with the conversations of the men and the glances of the women, and he was glad to see that Miss Bart, despite her confidence and composure, didn’t fit in comfortably with such a morally ambiguous environment. For this reason, he was particularly pleased to hear that she would, as usual, go with the young Trenors to church on Sunday morning; and as he walked along the gravel path before the door, his light overcoat draped over his arm and his prayer book in one carefully-gloved hand, he reflected positively on the strength of character that kept her true to her early teachings in such undermining surroundings.
For a long time Mr. Gryce and the omnibus had the gravel sweep to themselves; but, far from regretting this deplorable indifference on the part of the other guests, he found himself nourishing the hope that Miss Bart might be unaccompanied. The precious minutes were flying, however; the big chestnuts pawed the ground and flecked their impatient sides with foam; the coachman seemed to be slowly petrifying on the box, and the groom on the doorstep; and still the lady did not come. Suddenly, however, there was a sound of voices and a rustle of skirts in the doorway, and Mr. Gryce, restoring his watch to his pocket, turned with a nervous start; but it was only to find himself handing Mrs. Wetherall into the carriage.
For a long time, Mr. Gryce and the bus had the gravel area to themselves; but instead of resenting the guests’ complete indifference, he found himself hoping that Miss Bart might be alone. Time was slipping away, though; the large chestnuts stomped the ground and foamed at the sides as they grew restless; the coachman seemed to be turning to stone on the box, and the groom stood frozen on the doorstep; and still, the lady didn't arrive. Suddenly, there was the sound of voices and the rustle of skirts in the doorway, and Mr. Gryce, putting his watch back in his pocket, turned with a nervous start; but he only found himself helping Mrs. Wetherall into the carriage.
The Wetheralls always went to church. They belonged to the vast group of human automata who go through life without neglecting to perform a single one of the gestures executed by the surrounding puppets. It is true that the Bellomont puppets did not go to church; but others equally important did—and Mr. and Mrs. Wetherall’s circle was so large that God was included in their visiting-list. They appeared, therefore, punctual and resigned, with the air of people bound for a dull “At Home,” and after them Hilda and Muriel straggled, yawning and pinning each other’s veils and ribbons as they came. They had promised Lily to go to church with her, they declared, and Lily was such a dear old duck that they didn’t mind doing it to please her, though they couldn’t fancy what had put the idea in her head, and though for their own part they would much rather have played lawn tennis with Jack and Gwen, if she hadn’t told them she was coming. The Misses Trenor were followed by Lady Cressida Raith, a weather-beaten person in Liberty silk and ethnological trinkets, who, on seeing the omnibus, expressed her surprise that they were not to walk across the park; but at Mrs. Wetherall’s horrified protest that the church was a mile away, her ladyship, after a glance at the height of the other’s heels, acquiesced in the necessity of driving, and poor Mr. Gryce found himself rolling off between four ladies for whose spiritual welfare he felt not the least concern.
The Wetheralls always went to church. They were part of the large group of people who go through life without missing any of the rituals performed by those around them. It's true that the Bellomont crowd didn't go to church, but other equally significant people did—and Mr. and Mrs. Wetherall’s social circle was so big that God was part of their guest list. So, they arrived, punctual and accepting, looking like they were headed to a boring “At Home,” and behind them trailed Hilda and Muriel, yawning and adjusting each other’s veils and ribbons as they walked. They had promised Lily they would go to church with her, they said, and since Lily was such a dear, they didn’t mind doing it to make her happy, even though they couldn’t understand what made her want to go, and they would have preferred to play lawn tennis with Jack and Gwen if she hadn’t mentioned she was coming. The Misses Trenor were followed by Lady Cressida Raith, a weathered woman in Liberty silk and ethnic trinkets, who, upon seeing the bus, expressed her surprise that they weren’t walking across the park. But when Mrs. Wetherall horrifiedly pointed out that the church was a mile away, her ladyship, after glancing at the height of Mrs. Wetherall’s heels, agreed that they needed to drive, and poor Mr. Gryce found himself riding along with four ladies whose spiritual well-being he didn’t care about at all.
It might have afforded him some consolation could he have known that Miss Bart had really meant to go to church. She had even risen earlier than usual in the execution of her purpose. She had an idea that the sight of her in a grey gown of devotional cut, with her famous lashes drooped above a prayer-book, would put the finishing touch to Mr. Gryce’s subjugation, and render inevitable a certain incident which she had resolved should form a part of the walk they were to take together after luncheon. Her intentions in short had never been more definite; but poor Lily, for all the hard glaze of her exterior, was inwardly as malleable as wax. Her faculty for adapting herself, for entering into other people’s feelings, if it served her now and then in small contingencies, hampered her in the decisive moments of life. She was like a water-plant in the flux of the tides, and today the whole current of her mood was carrying her toward Lawrence Selden. Why had he come? Was it to see herself or Bertha Dorset? It was the last question which, at that moment, should have engaged her. She might better have contented herself with thinking that he had simply responded to the despairing summons of his hostess, anxious to interpose him between herself and the ill-humour of Mrs. Dorset. But Lily had not rested till she learned from Mrs. Trenor that Selden had come of his own accord. “He didn’t even wire me—he just happened to find the trap at the station. Perhaps it’s not over with Bertha after all,” Mrs. Trenor musingly concluded; and went away to arrange her dinner-cards accordingly.
It might have given him some comfort if he had known that Miss Bart actually planned to go to church. She had even gotten up earlier than usual to prepare for it. She thought that seeing her in a grey dress that looked devotional, with her famous lashes lowered over a prayer book, would be the final touch to Mr. Gryce’s submission and would make a certain event she had planned for their walk after lunch unavoidable. Her intentions had never been clearer; but poor Lily, despite her tough exterior, was as flexible as wax on the inside. Her ability to adapt and connect with other people's feelings, while helpful in small situations, held her back in critical moments of life. She was like a water plant caught in the ebb and flow of the tides, and today the current of her emotions was pulling her toward Lawrence Selden. Why had he come? Was it to see her or Bertha Dorset? That was the question she should have focused on at that moment. It would have been better for her to think that he had simply obeyed his hostess’s desperate call, eager to place himself between her and Mrs. Dorset's bad mood. But Lily didn’t stop until she found out from Mrs. Trenor that Selden had come on his own. “He didn’t even message me—he just happened to find a ride at the station. Maybe it’s not over with Bertha after all,” Mrs. Trenor concluded thoughtfully; then she went off to rearrange her dinner invitations accordingly.
Perhaps it was not, Lily reflected; but it should be soon, unless she had lost her cunning. If Selden had come at Mrs. Dorset’s call, it was at her own that he would stay. So much the previous evening had told her. Mrs. Trenor, true to her simple principle of making her married friends happy, had placed Selden and Mrs. Dorset next to each other at dinner; but, in obedience to the time-honoured traditions of the match-maker, she had separated Lily and Mr. Gryce, sending in the former with George Dorset, while Mr. Gryce was coupled with Gwen Van Osburgh.
Maybe it wasn't, Lily thought; but it should be soon, unless she had lost her edge. If Selden had come at Mrs. Dorset’s invitation, it was because of her call that he would stay. The previous evening had shown her that much. Mrs. Trenor, being true to her straightforward principle of making her married friends happy, had seated Selden and Mrs. Dorset next to each other at dinner; but following the time-honored traditions of match-making, she had separated Lily and Mr. Gryce, pairing Lily with George Dorset, while Mr. Gryce was paired with Gwen Van Osburgh.
George Dorset’s talk did not interfere with the range of his neighbour’s thoughts. He was a mournful dyspeptic, intent on finding out the deleterious ingredients of every dish and diverted from this care only by the sound of his wife’s voice. On this occasion, however, Mrs. Dorset took no part in the general conversation. She sat talking in low murmurs with Selden, and turning a contemptuous and denuded shoulder toward her host, who, far from resenting his exclusion, plunged into the excesses of the MENU with the joyous irresponsibility of a free man. To Mr. Dorset, however, his wife’s attitude was a subject of such evident concern that, when he was not scraping the sauce from his fish, or scooping the moist bread-crumbs from the interior of his roll, he sat straining his thin neck for a glimpse of her between the lights.
George Dorset’s conversation didn’t disrupt his neighbor's thoughts. He was a gloomy, easily upset guy, focused on figuring out the harmful ingredients in every meal and only distracted from this worry by the sound of his wife’s voice. This time, though, Mrs. Dorset wasn’t engaged in the general conversation. She sat whispering softly with Selden, turning her disdainful and bare shoulder toward their host, who, instead of feeling slighted, dove into the MENU with the carefree joy of a free man. For Mr. Dorset, his wife’s behavior was such a clear concern that, when he wasn’t scraping sauce off his fish or picking moist crumbs out of his roll, he strained his thin neck for a look at her between the lights.
Mrs. Trenor, as it chanced, had placed the husband and wife on opposite sides of the table, and Lily was therefore able to observe Mrs. Dorset also, and by carrying her glance a few feet farther, to set up a rapid comparison between Lawrence Selden and Mr. Gryce. It was that comparison which was her undoing. Why else had she suddenly grown interested in Selden? She had known him for eight years or more: ever since her return to America he had formed a part of her background. She had always been glad to sit next to him at dinner, had found him more agreeable than most men, and had vaguely wished that he possessed the other qualities needful to fix her attention; but till now she had been too busy with her own affairs to regard him as more than one of the pleasant accessories of life. Miss Bart was a keen reader of her own heart, and she saw that her sudden preoccupation with Selden was due to the fact that his presence shed a new light on her surroundings. Not that he was notably brilliant or exceptional; in his own profession he was surpassed by more than one man who had bored Lily through many a weary dinner. It was rather that he had preserved a certain social detachment, a happy air of viewing the show objectively, of having points of contact outside the great gilt cage in which they were all huddled for the mob to gape at. How alluring the world outside the cage appeared to Lily, as she heard its door clang on her! In reality, as she knew, the door never clanged: it stood always open; but most of the captives were like flies in a bottle, and having once flown in, could never regain their freedom. It was Selden’s distinction that he had never forgotten the way out.
Mrs. Trenor had, by chance, seated the husband and wife on opposite sides of the table, which allowed Lily to also watch Mrs. Dorset and, by shifting her gaze a little further, quickly compare Lawrence Selden with Mr. Gryce. That comparison was her downfall. Why else had she suddenly become interested in Selden? She had known him for eight years or more; ever since returning to America, he had been part of her life. She’d always been happy to sit next to him at dinner, found him more pleasant than most men, and had vaguely wished he had the other qualities that would capture her full attention; but until now, she’d been too caught up in her own issues to see him as anything more than one of life’s nice accessories. Miss Bart was good at reading her own feelings, and she realized that her sudden fixation on Selden was because his presence illuminated her surroundings. Not that he was particularly brilliant or exceptional; in his field, more than one man had bored Lily over countless tedious dinners. Instead, it was that he maintained a certain social detachment, a refreshing perspective of observing the scene from a distance, with connections outside the grand gilded cage where they were all gathered for the crowd to marvel at. The world outside that cage looked so enticing to Lily as she heard its door slam behind her! In reality, as she knew, the door never actually slammed shut: it was always open; but most of the trapped were like flies in a jar, and once they had flown in, they could never regain their freedom. Selden’s uniqueness was that he had never forgotten the way out.
That was the secret of his way of readjusting her vision. Lily, turning her eyes from him, found herself scanning her little world through his retina: it was as though the pink lamps had been shut off and the dusty daylight let in. She looked down the long table, studying its occupants one by one, from Gus Trenor, with his heavy carnivorous head sunk between his shoulders, as he preyed on a jellied plover, to his wife, at the opposite end of the long bank of orchids, suggestive, with her glaring good-looks, of a jeweller’s window lit by electricity. And between the two, what a long stretch of vacuity! How dreary and trivial these people were! Lily reviewed them with a scornful impatience: Carry Fisher, with her shoulders, her eyes, her divorces, her general air of embodying a “spicy paragraph”; young Silverton, who had meant to live on proof-reading and write an epic, and who now lived on his friends and had become critical of truffles; Alice Wetherall, an animated visiting-list, whose most fervid convictions turned on the wording of invitations and the engraving of dinner-cards; Wetherall, with his perpetual nervous nod of acquiescence, his air of agreeing with people before he knew what they were saying; Jack Stepney, with his confident smile and anxious eyes, half way between the sheriff and an heiress; Gwen Van Osburgh, with all the guileless confidence of a young girl who has always been told that there is no one richer than her father.
That was the secret to how he shifted her perspective. Lily, looking away from him, realized she was viewing her little world through his eyes: it felt like the pink lamps had been turned off, and dull sunlight flooded in. She scanned the long table, analyzing each person from Gus Trenor, with his heavy, predatory head sunk between his shoulders as he devoured a jellied plover, to his wife at the other end of the table filled with orchids, whose striking looks made her resemble a jeweler's window illuminated by electric lights. And in between them, what an empty stretch! How dull and superficial these people were! Lily assessed them with a disdainful impatience: Carry Fisher, with her shoulders, her eyes, her divorces, and her general vibe of personifying a “spicy paragraph”; young Silverton, who had intended to make a living by proofreading and write an epic, now living off his friends and becoming picky about truffles; Alice Wetherall, a walking social calendar, whose most fervent beliefs revolved around the wording of invitations and the design of dinner cards; Wetherall, with his constant nervous nod of agreement, always seeming to agree with others before he even understood what they were saying; Jack Stepney, with his self-assured smile and worried eyes, caught somewhere between a sheriff and an heiress; Gwen Van Osburgh, who exuded the innocent confidence of a young girl who has always been told that no one is wealthier than her dad.
Lily smiled at her classification of her friends. How different they had seemed to her a few hours ago! Then they had symbolized what she was gaining, now they stood for what she was giving up. That very afternoon they had seemed full of brilliant qualities; now she saw that they were merely dull in a loud way. Under the glitter of their opportunities she saw the poverty of their achievement. It was not that she wanted them to be more disinterested; but she would have liked them to be more picturesque. And she had a shamed recollection of the way in which, a few hours since, she had felt the centripetal force of their standards. She closed her eyes an instant, and the vacuous routine of the life she had chosen stretched before her like a long white road without dip or turning: it was true she was to roll over it in a carriage instead of trudging it on foot, but sometimes the pedestrian enjoys the diversion of a short cut which is denied to those on wheels.
Lily smiled at how she had categorized her friends. They had seemed so different just a few hours ago! Back then, they represented what she was gaining, but now they represented what she was letting go. That afternoon, they had seemed full of exciting qualities; now she realized they were just loud and unremarkable. Beneath the shine of their opportunities, she saw the lack of real accomplishments. It wasn't that she wanted them to be more selfless; she just wished they were more interesting. And she felt a twinge of embarrassment remembering how just hours earlier, she had felt drawn in by their expectations. She closed her eyes for a moment, and the empty routine of the life she had chosen stretched out before her like a long, straight road with no ups or downs: sure, she would travel it in a carriage instead of walking, but sometimes the walker gets to enjoy shortcuts that those in vehicles miss.
She was roused by a chuckle which Mr. Dorset seemed to eject from the depths of his lean throat.
She was awakened by a chuckle that Mr. Dorset appeared to pull from the depths of his lean throat.
“I say, do look at her,” he exclaimed, turning to Miss Bart with lugubrious merriment—“I beg your pardon, but do just look at my wife making a fool of that poor devil over there! One would really suppose she was gone on him—and it’s all the other way round, I assure you.”
“I mean, just look at her,” he said, turning to Miss Bart with exaggerated amusement—“I’m sorry, but seriously, look at my wife making a fool out of that poor guy over there! You'd really think she was into him—and it’s completely the opposite, I promise you.”
Thus adjured, Lily turned her eyes on the spectacle which was affording Mr. Dorset such legitimate mirth. It certainly appeared, as he said, that Mrs. Dorset was the more active participant in the scene: her neighbour seemed to receive her advances with a temperate zest which did not distract him from his dinner. The sight restored Lily’s good humour, and knowing the peculiar disguise which Mr. Dorset’s marital fears assumed, she asked gaily: “Aren’t you horribly jealous of her?”
Thus urged, Lily turned her gaze to the scene that was giving Mr. Dorset such genuine amusement. It really did seem, as he said, that Mrs. Dorset was the more active player in this scenario: her neighbor appeared to welcome her advances with a calm enthusiasm that didn’t interfere with his meal. The sight lifted Lily’s spirits, and knowing the unique way Mr. Dorset’s marital fears manifested, she asked playfully, “Aren’t you incredibly jealous of her?”
Dorset greeted the sally with delight. “Oh, abominably—you’ve just hit it—keeps me awake at night. The doctors tell me that’s what has knocked my digestion out—being so infernally jealous of her.—I can’t eat a mouthful of this stuff, you know,” he added suddenly, pushing back his plate with a clouded countenance; and Lily, unfailingly adaptable, accorded her radiant attention to his prolonged denunciation of other people’s cooks, with a supplementary tirade on the toxic qualities of melted butter.
Dorset welcomed the outburst with enthusiasm. “Oh, absolutely—you’ve hit the nail on the head—it keeps me up at night. The doctors say that’s what messed up my digestion—being so extremely jealous of her. I can’t eat a single bite of this food, you know,” he added suddenly, pushing his plate away with a troubled expression; and Lily, always flexible, gave her full attention to his lengthy criticism of other people’s cooking, adding her own rant about the harmful effects of melted butter.
It was not often that he found so ready an ear; and, being a man as well as a dyspeptic, it may be that as he poured his grievances into it he was not insensible to its rosy symmetry. At any rate he engaged Lily so long that the sweets were being handed when she caught a phrase on her other side, where Miss Corby, the comic woman of the company, was bantering Jack Stepney on his approaching engagement. Miss Corby’s role was jocularity: she always entered the conversation with a handspring.
He didn’t often encounter someone so willing to listen; and, being both a man and a person with digestive issues, it's possible that as he shared his complaints, he couldn’t help but notice her attractive features. In any case, he talked to Lily for so long that the desserts were being served when she overheard Miss Corby, the funny one in the group, teasing Jack Stepney about his upcoming engagement. Miss Corby’s role was to bring humor: she always jumped into the conversation with a playful attitude.
“And of course you’ll have Sim Rosedale as best man!” Lily heard her fling out as the climax of her prognostications; and Stepney responded, as if struck: “Jove, that’s an idea. What a thumping present I’d get out of him!”
“And of course you’ll have Sim Rosedale as the best man!” Lily exclaimed, finishing her predictions; and Stepney reacted as if he’d been hit: “Wow, that’s a great idea. What an amazing gift I’d get from him!”
SIM ROSEDALE! The name, made more odious by its diminutive, obtruded itself on Lily’s thoughts like a leer. It stood for one of the many hated possibilities hovering on the edge of life. If she did not marry Percy Gryce, the day might come when she would have to be civil to such men as Rosedale. IF SHE DID NOT MARRY HIM? But she meant to marry him—she was sure of him and sure of herself. She drew back with a shiver from the pleasant paths in which her thoughts had been straying, and set her feet once more in the middle of the long white road.... When she went upstairs that night she found that the late post had brought her a fresh batch of bills. Mrs. Peniston, who was a conscientious woman, had forwarded them all to Bellomont.
SIM ROSEDALE! The name, made even worse by its nickname, forced its way into Lily’s thoughts like a creepy grin. It represented one of the many loathed possibilities lurking at the edge of her life. If she didn’t marry Percy Gryce, the day might come when she would have to be polite to men like Rosedale. IF SHE DIDN’T MARRY HIM? But she intended to marry him—she was confident in him and in herself. She recoiled with a shiver from the pleasant paths her thoughts had wandered down and set her feet once more on the long white road.... When she went upstairs that night, she found that the late post had brought her a new batch of bills. Mrs. Peniston, who was a diligent woman, had sent them all to Bellomont.
Miss Bart, accordingly, rose the next morning with the most earnest conviction that it was her duty to go to church. She tore herself betimes from the lingering enjoyment of her breakfast tray, rang to have her grey gown laid out, and despatched her maid to borrow a prayer-book from Mrs. Trenor.
Miss Bart woke up the next morning feeling strongly that it was her duty to go to church. She left the lingering enjoyment of her breakfast tray early, called for her grey gown to be laid out, and sent her maid to borrow a prayer book from Mrs. Trenor.
But her course was too purely reasonable not to contain the germs of rebellion. No sooner were her preparations made than they roused a smothered sense of resistance. A small spark was enough to kindle Lily’s imagination, and the sight of the grey dress and the borrowed prayer-book flashed a long light down the years. She would have to go to church with Percy Gryce every Sunday. They would have a front pew in the most expensive church in New York, and his name would figure handsomely in the list of parish charities. In a few years, when he grew stouter, he would be made a warden. Once in the winter the rector would come to dine, and her husband would beg her to go over the list and see that no DIVORCEES were included, except those who had showed signs of penitence by being re-married to the very wealthy. There was nothing especially arduous in this round of religious obligations; but it stood for a fraction of that great bulk of boredom which loomed across her path. And who could consent to be bored on such a morning? Lily had slept well, and her bath had filled her with a pleasant glow, which was becomingly reflected in the clear curve of her cheek. No lines were visible this morning, or else the glass was at a happier angle.
But her path was too rational not to spark some rebellious feelings. As soon as she got ready, it stirred up a hidden resistance. A small spark was enough to ignite Lily’s imagination, and seeing the grey dress and the borrowed prayer book brought back memories. She would have to go to church with Percy Gryce every Sunday. They would have a front pew in the fanciest church in New York, and his name would stand out in the list of parish charities. In a few years, when he got heavier, he would become a warden. Once in the winter, the rector would come for dinner, and her husband would ask her to go over the guest list to make sure no DIVORCEES were invited, unless they had repented by marrying someone very wealthy. There was nothing particularly challenging about this routine of religious duties; but it represented a small part of the great wave of boredom that stretched ahead of her. And who could agree to be bored on such a morning? Lily had slept well, and her bath had left her feeling pleasantly refreshed, which showed in the smooth curve of her cheek. There were no lines visible this morning, or maybe the mirror was just at a better angle.
And the day was the accomplice of her mood: it was a day for impulse and truancy. The light air seemed full of powdered gold; below the dewy bloom of the lawns the woodlands blushed and smouldered, and the hills across the river swam in molten blue. Every drop of blood in Lily’s veins invited her to happiness.
And the day matched her mood: it was a day for spontaneity and skipping responsibilities. The light breeze felt like it was filled with powdered gold; beneath the dewy beauty of the lawns, the woods glowed softly, and the hills across the river shimmered in a deep blue. Every drop of blood in Lily's veins urged her towards happiness.
The sound of wheels roused her from these musings, and leaning behind her shutters she saw the omnibus take up its freight. She was too late, then—but the fact did not alarm her. A glimpse of Mr. Gryce’s crestfallen face even suggested that she had done wisely in absenting herself, since the disappointment he so candidly betrayed would surely whet his appetite for the afternoon walk. That walk she did not mean to miss; one glance at the bills on her writing-table was enough to recall its necessity. But meanwhile she had the morning to herself, and could muse pleasantly on the disposal of its hours. She was familiar enough with the habits of Bellomont to know that she was likely to have a free field till luncheon. She had seen the Wetheralls, the Trenor girls and Lady Cressida packed safely into the omnibus; Judy Trenor was sure to be having her hair shampooed; Carry Fisher had doubtless carried off her host for a drive; Ned Silverton was probably smoking the cigarette of young despair in his bedroom; and Kate Corby was certain to be playing tennis with Jack Stepney and Miss Van Osburgh. Of the ladies, this left only Mrs. Dorset unaccounted for, and Mrs. Dorset never came down till luncheon: her doctors, she averred, had forbidden her to expose herself to the crude air of the morning.
The sound of wheels pulled her out of her thoughts, and leaning behind her shutters, she saw the bus pick up its passengers. She was too late, then—but that didn’t bother her. A quick look at Mr. Gryce’s disappointed face even made her think she had made a good choice by staying away, since the disappointment he openly showed would surely make him eager for their afternoon walk. She didn't want to miss that walk; one look at the bills on her writing desk was enough to remind her of its importance. But for now, she had the morning to herself and could enjoy planning how to spend it. She knew the routine at Bellomont well enough to realize she was likely to have the place to herself until lunch. She had seen the Wetheralls, the Trenor girls, and Lady Cressida safely loaded into the bus; Judy Trenor was probably getting her hair done; Carry Fisher had likely taken her host out for a drive; Ned Silverton was probably smoking a hopeless cigarette in his room; and Kate Corby was definitely playing tennis with Jack Stepney and Miss Van Osburgh. The only one unaccounted for among the ladies was Mrs. Dorset, who never came down until lunchtime: she insisted her doctors had warned her against being out in the fresh morning air.
To the remaining members of the party Lily gave no special thought; wherever they were, they were not likely to interfere with her plans. These, for the moment, took the shape of assuming a dress somewhat more rustic and summerlike in style than the garment she had first selected, and rustling downstairs, sunshade in hand, with the disengaged air of a lady in quest of exercise. The great hall was empty but for the knot of dogs by the fire, who, taking in at a glance the outdoor aspect of Miss Bart, were upon her at once with lavish offers of companionship. She put aside the ramming paws which conveyed these offers, and assuring the joyous volunteers that she might presently have a use for their company, sauntered on through the empty drawing-room to the library at the end of the house. The library was almost the only surviving portion of the old manor-house of Bellomont: a long spacious room, revealing the traditions of the mother-country in its classically-cased doors, the Dutch tiles of the chimney, and the elaborate hob-grate with its shining brass urns. A few family portraits of lantern-jawed gentlemen in tie-wigs, and ladies with large head-dresses and small bodies, hung between the shelves lined with pleasantly-shabby books: books mostly contemporaneous with the ancestors in question, and to which the subsequent Trenors had made no perceptible additions. The library at Bellomont was in fact never used for reading, though it had a certain popularity as a smoking room or a quiet retreat for flirtation. It had occurred to Lily, however, that it might on this occasion have been resorted to by the only member of the party in the least likely to put it to its original use. She advanced noiselessly over the dense old rug scattered with easy-chairs, and before she reached the middle of the room she saw that she had not been mistaken. Lawrence Selden was in fact seated at its farther end; but though a book lay on his knee, his attention was not engaged with it, but directed to a lady whose lace-clad figure, as she leaned back in an adjoining chair, detached itself with exaggerated slimness against the dusky leather upholstery.
To the other members of the party, Lily didn’t give much thought; wherever they were, they were unlikely to disrupt her plans. For now, her plans involved putting on a dress that was more casual and summery than the one she had originally chosen. She rustled downstairs, sunshade in hand, with the carefree demeanor of a woman looking for some exercise. The grand hall was empty except for a group of dogs by the fire, who, noticing Miss Bart’s outdoor look, immediately surrounded her with eager offers of companionship. She brushed aside the eager paws making these offers, assuring the excited volunteers that she might need their company soon, and meandered through the empty drawing-room to the library at the end of the house. The library was almost the only remaining part of the old manor house of Bellomont: a long, spacious room that showcased the traditions of the mother country with its classically framed doors, Dutch tiles on the fireplace, and the elaborate hob-grate with its shining brass urns. A few family portraits of long-faced gentlemen in powdered wigs and ladies with large headdresses and small waistlines hung between shelves filled with pleasantly worn books: mostly from the same era as the ancestors in question, and to which the later Trenors had made no significant additions. The library at Bellomont was rarely used for reading, though it was popular as a smoking room or a quiet spot for flirtation. However, it occurred to Lily that on this occasion, it might have been used by the only member of the party who was least likely to use it for its original purpose. She moved silently over the thick old rug scattered with easy chairs, and before she reached the middle of the room, she realized she was right. Lawrence Selden was actually seated at the far end; but although a book was resting on his knee, his attention wasn't on it; rather, he was focused on a woman whose lace-clad figure, leaning back in an adjacent chair, stood out with striking slimness against the dark leather upholstery.
Lily paused as she caught sight of the group; for a moment she seemed about to withdraw, but thinking better of this, she announced her approach by a slight shake of her skirts which made the couple raise their heads, Mrs. Dorset with a look of frank displeasure, and Selden with his usual quiet smile. The sight of his composure had a disturbing effect on Lily; but to be disturbed was in her case to make a more brilliant effort at self-possession.
Lily stopped when she saw the group; for a moment, it looked like she was going to turn back, but then she thought better of it and announced her arrival by giving her skirts a little shake, which made the couple look up—Mrs. Dorset with a clear look of annoyance, and Selden with his usual calm smile. Seeing him so composed rattled Lily a bit; but for her, being rattled meant putting in a stronger effort to stay composed.
“Dear me, am I late?” she asked, putting a hand in his as he advanced to greet her.
“Excuse me, am I late?” she asked, grabbing his hand as he walked over to greet her.
“Late for what?” enquired Mrs. Dorset tartly. “Not for luncheon, certainly—but perhaps you had an earlier engagement?”
“Late for what?” Mrs. Dorset asked sharply. “Definitely not for lunch—but maybe you had another appointment?”
“Yes, I had,” said Lily confidingly.
"Yeah, I did," Lily said, sharing with a sense of trust.
“Really? Perhaps I am in the way, then? But Mr. Selden is entirely at your disposal.” Mrs. Dorset was pale with temper, and her antagonist felt a certain pleasure in prolonging her distress.
“Really? Maybe I'm in the way, then? But Mr. Selden is completely at your service.” Mrs. Dorset was pale with anger, and her opponent took a certain delight in stretching out her discomfort.
“Oh, dear, no—do stay,” she said good-humouredly. “I don’t in the least want to drive you away.”
“Oh, come on, please stay,” she said with a smile. “I really don’t want to make you leave.”
“You’re awfully good, dear, but I never interfere with Mr. Selden’s engagements.”
“You’re really great, darling, but I never get involved with Mr. Selden’s plans.”
The remark was uttered with a little air of proprietorship not lost on its object, who concealed a faint blush of annoyance by stooping to pick up the book he had dropped at Lily’s approach. The latter’s eyes widened charmingly and she broke into a light laugh.
The comment was made with a hint of ownership that didn't go unnoticed by the person it was directed at, who hid a slight blush of annoyance by bending down to pick up the book he had dropped when Lily approached. Lily's eyes widened charmingly, and she let out a light laugh.
“But I have no engagement with Mr. Selden! My engagement was to go to church; and I’m afraid the omnibus has started without me. HAS it started, do you know?”
“But I have no plans with Mr. Selden! My plan was to go to church; and I’m afraid the bus has left without me. HAS it left, do you know?”
She turned to Selden, who replied that he had heard it drive away some time since.
She turned to Selden, who replied that he had heard it leave a while ago.
“Ah, then I shall have to walk; I promised Hilda and Muriel to go to church with them. It’s too late to walk there, you say? Well, I shall have the credit of trying, at any rate—and the advantage of escaping part of the service. I’m not so sorry for myself, after all!”
“Ah, then I’ll just have to walk; I promised Hilda and Muriel I’d go to church with them. You say it’s too late to walk there? Well, at least I can say I tried—and I’ll get to skip part of the service. I’m not feeling too sorry for myself, after all!”
And with a bright nod to the couple on whom she had intruded, Miss Bart strolled through the glass doors and carried her rustling grace down the long perspective of the garden walk.
And with a cheerful nod to the couple she had interrupted, Miss Bart walked through the glass doors and gracefully made her way down the long path of the garden.
She was taking her way churchward, but at no very quick pace; a fact not lost on one of her observers, who stood in the doorway looking after her with an air of puzzled amusement. The truth is that she was conscious of a somewhat keen shock of disappointment. All her plans for the day had been built on the assumption that it was to see her that Selden had come to Bellomont. She had expected, when she came downstairs, to find him on the watch for her; and she had found him, instead, in a situation which might well denote that he had been on the watch for another lady. Was it possible, after all, that he had come for Bertha Dorset? The latter had acted on the assumption to the extent of appearing at an hour when she never showed herself to ordinary mortals, and Lily, for the moment, saw no way of putting her in the wrong. It did not occur to her that Selden might have been actuated merely by the desire to spend a Sunday out of town: women never learn to dispense with the sentimental motive in their judgments of men. But Lily was not easily disconcerted; competition put her on her mettle, and she reflected that Selden’s coming, if it did not declare him to be still in Mrs. Dorset’s toils, showed him to be so completely free from them that he was not afraid of her proximity.
She was walking towards the church, but not very quickly; a fact that one of her onlookers noticed as he stood in the doorway, watching her with a mix of confusion and amusement. The truth was, she felt a sharp sense of disappointment. All her plans for the day were built on the idea that Selden had come to Bellomont to see her. She expected to find him waiting for her when she came downstairs, but instead, he was in a situation that suggested he had been waiting for another woman. Could it be possible that he had come for Bertha Dorset? Bertha had acted as if she believed this, showing up at a time when she usually avoided ordinary people, and for the moment, Lily found no way to prove her wrong. It didn’t occur to her that Selden might just want to spend a Sunday away from the city: women never seem to let go of the emotional angle when judging men. But Lily wasn't easily thrown off; competition only motivated her, and she thought that Selden’s presence, if it didn’t show he was still under Mrs. Dorset’s spell, indicated he was free enough that he wasn’t worried about being near her.
These thoughts so engaged her that she fell into a gait hardly likely to carry her to church before the sermon, and at length, having passed from the gardens to the wood-path beyond, so far forgot her intention as to sink into a rustic seat at a bend of the walk. The spot was charming, and Lily was not insensible to the charm, or to the fact that her presence enhanced it; but she was not accustomed to taste the joys of solitude except in company, and the combination of a handsome girl and a romantic scene struck her as too good to be wasted. No one, however, appeared to profit by the opportunity; and after a half hour of fruitless waiting she rose and wandered on. She felt a stealing sense of fatigue as she walked; the sparkle had died out of her, and the taste of life was stale on her lips. She hardly knew what she had been seeking, or why the failure to find it had so blotted the light from her sky: she was only aware of a vague sense of failure, of an inner isolation deeper than the loneliness about her.
These thoughts consumed her so much that she fell into a pace that was unlikely to get her to church before the sermon. Eventually, having moved from the gardens to the wooded path beyond, she got so lost in her thoughts that she sank into a rustic seat at a curve in the path. The spot was beautiful, and Lily was aware of its charm, as well as the fact that her presence made it even more appealing. However, she wasn’t used to enjoying solitude unless she was with others, and the combination of a pretty girl in a romantic setting felt too good to waste. Yet, no one seemed to take advantage of the situation; after waiting for half an hour without success, she got up and continued on her way. She felt a creeping fatigue as she walked; the sparkle had faded from her, and life felt dull on her lips. She barely knew what she had been looking for or why not finding it had drained the brightness from her day: she just sensed a vague feeling of failure and an inner solitude that was deeper than the loneliness around her.
Her footsteps flagged, and she stood gazing listlessly ahead, digging the ferny edge of the path with the tip of her sunshade. As she did so a step sounded behind her, and she saw Selden at her side.
Her footsteps slowed, and she stood staring blankly ahead, tracing the ferny edge of the path with the tip of her sunshade. Just then, she heard a step behind her and saw Selden next to her.
“How fast you walk!” he remarked. “I thought I should never catch up with you.”
“How fast you walk!” he said. “I thought I would never catch up with you.”
She answered gaily: “You must be quite breathless! I’ve been sitting under that tree for an hour.”
She replied cheerfully, “You must be really out of breath! I’ve been sitting under that tree for an hour.”
“Waiting for me, I hope?” he rejoined; and she said with a vague laugh:
“Are you waiting for me, I hope?” he replied; and she answered with a slight laugh:
“Well—waiting to see if you would come.”
"Well—just waiting to see if you would show up."
“I seize the distinction, but I don’t mind it, since doing the one involved doing the other. But weren’t you sure that I should come?”
“I understand the difference, but it doesn’t bother me, since doing one meant doing the other. But were you not certain that I should come?”
“If I waited long enough—but you see I had only a limited time to give to the experiment.”
“If I waited long enough—but you see I only had a limited amount of time to devote to the experiment.”
“Why limited? Limited by luncheon?”
"Why limited? Limited by lunch?"
“No; by my other engagement.”
"No; due to my other commitment."
“Your engagement to go to church with Muriel and Hilda?”
“Are you planning to go to church with Muriel and Hilda?”
“No; but to come home from church with another person.”
“No; but coming home from church with someone else.”
“Ah, I see; I might have known you were fully provided with alternatives. And is the other person coming home this way?”
“Ah, I see; I should have known you had plenty of options. Is the other person coming home this way?”
Lily laughed again. “That’s just what I don’t know; and to find out, it is my business to get to church before the service is over.”
Lily laughed again. “That’s exactly what I don’t know; and to figure it out, I need to get to church before the service ends.”
“Exactly; and it is my business to prevent your doing so; in which case the other person, piqued by your absence, will form the desperate resolve of driving back in the omnibus.”
“Exactly; and it’s my job to stop you from doing that; otherwise, the other person, annoyed by your absence, will make the drastic decision to head back on the bus.”
Lily received this with fresh appreciation; his nonsense was like the bubbling of her inner mood. “Is that what you would do in such an emergency?” she enquired.
Lily took this in with newfound appreciation; his nonsense mirrored her own cheerful spirit. “Is that really how you would handle such a situation?” she asked.
Selden looked at her with solemnity. “I am here to prove to you,” he cried, “what I am capable of doing in an emergency!”
Selden looked at her seriously. “I’m here to show you,” he exclaimed, “what I can do in a crisis!”
“Walking a mile in an hour—you must own that the omnibus would be quicker!”
"Walking a mile in an hour—you have to admit that the bus would be faster!"
“Ah—but will he find you in the end? That’s the only test of success.”
“Ah—but will he find you in the end? That’s the only measure of success.”
They looked at each other with the same luxury of enjoyment that they had felt in exchanging absurdities over his tea-table; but suddenly Lily’s face changed, and she said: “Well, if it is, he has succeeded.”
They looked at each other with the same enjoyment they had felt while exchanging silly comments over his tea table; but suddenly, Lily’s expression shifted, and she said, “Well, if it is, he has succeeded.”
Selden, following her glance, perceived a party of people advancing toward them from the farther bend of the path. Lady Cressida had evidently insisted on walking home, and the rest of the church-goers had thought it their duty to accompany her. Lily’s companion looked rapidly from one to the other of the two men of the party; Wetherall walking respectfully at Lady Cressida’s side with his little sidelong look of nervous attention, and Percy Gryce bringing-up the rear with Mrs. Wetherall and the Trenors.
Selden, following her gaze, noticed a group of people approaching them from the far bend of the path. Lady Cressida had clearly insisted on walking home, and the rest of the church-goers felt it was their duty to accompany her. Lily’s companion glanced quickly between the two men in the group; Wetherall walked respectfully at Lady Cressida’s side, giving her his anxious sideways looks, while Percy Gryce lagged behind with Mrs. Wetherall and the Trenors.
“Ah—now I see why you were getting up your Americana!” Selden exclaimed with a note of the freest admiration but the blush with which the sally was received checked whatever amplifications he had meant to give it.
“Ah—now I see why you were putting together your Americana!” Selden exclaimed with genuine admiration, but the blush that accompanied his remark stopped him from elaborating any further.
That Lily Bart should object to being bantered about her suitors, or even about her means of attracting them, was so new to Selden that he had a momentary flash of surprise, which lit up a number of possibilities; but she rose gallantly to the defence of her confusion, by saying, as its object approached: “That was why I was waiting for you—to thank you for having given me so many points!”
That Lily Bart would take issue with being teased about her suitors, or even about how she attracted them, was such a surprise to Selden that it momentarily caught him off guard, sparking a number of possibilities in his mind; but she bravely defended her awkwardness by saying, as the subject of the teasing came closer: “That’s why I was waiting for you—to thank you for giving me so many tips!”
“Ah, you can hardly do justice to the subject in such a short time,” said Selden, as the Trenor girls caught sight of Miss Bart; and while she signalled a response to their boisterous greeting, he added quickly: “Won’t you devote your afternoon to it? You know I must be off tomorrow morning. We’ll take a walk, and you can thank me at your leisure.”
“Ah, you can barely cover the topic in such a short time,” said Selden, as the Trenor girls noticed Miss Bart; and while she waved back at their loud greeting, he quickly added: “Will you spend your afternoon on it? You know I have to leave tomorrow morning. We’ll go for a walk, and you can thank me whenever you want.”
Chapter 6
The afternoon was perfect. A deeper stillness possessed the air, and the glitter of the American autumn was tempered by a haze which diffused the brightness without dulling it.
The afternoon was perfect. A deeper stillness filled the air, and the sparkle of the American autumn was softened by a haze that spread the brightness without dimming it.
In the woody hollows of the park there was already a faint chill; but as the ground rose the air grew lighter, and ascending the long slopes beyond the high-road, Lily and her companion reached a zone of lingering summer. The path wound across a meadow with scattered trees; then it dipped into a lane plumed with asters and purpling sprays of bramble, whence, through the light quiver of ash-leaves, the country unrolled itself in pastoral distances.
In the wooded areas of the park, there was already a slight chill; but as they moved upward, the air became fresher, and climbing the long slopes beyond the main road, Lily and her companion reached a spot where summer still lingered. The path twisted through a meadow dotted with trees; then it dipped into a lane lined with asters and vibrant sprays of bramble, from which the landscape unfolded in gentle, pastoral stretches through the shimmering leaves of the ash trees.
Higher up, the lane showed thickening tufts of fern and of the creeping glossy verdure of shaded slopes; trees began to overhang it, and the shade deepened to the checkered dusk of a beech-grove. The boles of the trees stood well apart, with only a light feathering of undergrowth; the path wound along the edge of the wood, now and then looking out on a sunlit pasture or on an orchard spangled with fruit.
Higher up, the path was marked by dense clusters of ferns and the creeping, shiny greenery of shaded slopes; trees started to hang over it, and the shade grew deeper into the dappled twilight of a beech grove. The trunks of the trees were spaced out, with just a bit of light undergrowth; the trail meandered along the edge of the woods, occasionally opening up to a sunlit field or an orchard dotted with fruit.
Lily had no real intimacy with nature, but she had a passion for the appropriate and could be keenly sensitive to a scene which was the fitting background of her own sensations. The landscape outspread below her seemed an enlargement of her present mood, and she found something of herself in its calmness, its breadth, its long free reaches. On the nearer slopes the sugar-maples wavered like pyres of light; lower down was a massing of grey orchards, and here and there the lingering green of an oak-grove. Two or three red farm-houses dozed under the apple-trees, and the white wooden spire of a village church showed beyond the shoulder of the hill; while far below, in a haze of dust, the high-road ran between the fields.
Lily didn't have a strong connection with nature, but she had a passion for what was fitting and could be very attuned to a scene that matched her feelings. The landscape stretched out below her seemed to reflect her current mood, and she recognized something of herself in its tranquility, its vastness, its long open stretches. On the nearby slopes, the sugar-maples shimmered like flames of light; lower down, there was a cluster of gray orchards, and here and there, the lingering green of an oak grove. A couple of red farmhouses rested under the apple trees, and the white wooden spire of a village church peeked out from behind the hill; while far below, in a haze of dust, the main road wound through the fields.
“Let us sit here,” Selden suggested, as they reached an open ledge of rock above which the beeches rose steeply between mossy boulders.
“Let’s sit here,” Selden suggested, as they reached an open ledge of rock where the beeches rose steeply between mossy boulders.
Lily dropped down on the rock, glowing with her long climb. She sat quiet, her lips parted by the stress of the ascent, her eyes wandering peacefully over the broken ranges of the landscape. Selden stretched himself on the grass at her feet, tilting his hat against the level sun-rays, and clasping his hands behind his head, which rested against the side of the rock. He had no wish to make her talk; her quick-breathing silence seemed a part of the general hush and harmony of things. In his own mind there was only a lazy sense of pleasure, veiling the sharp edges of sensation as the September haze veiled the scene at their feet. But Lily, though her attitude was as calm as his, was throbbing inwardly with a rush of thoughts. There were in her at the moment two beings, one drawing deep breaths of freedom and exhilaration, the other gasping for air in a little black prison-house of fears. But gradually the captive’s gasps grew fainter, or the other paid less heed to them: the horizon expanded, the air grew stronger, and the free spirit quivered for flight.
Lily plopped down on the rock, beaming from her long climb. She sat quietly, her lips slightly parted from the effort, her eyes drifting peacefully over the jagged landscape. Selden stretched out on the grass at her feet, tilting his hat against the bright sun, and clasping his hands behind his head, which rested against the rock. He didn’t want to make her talk; her quiet, rhythmic breathing felt like a natural part of the peaceful surroundings. In his mind, he felt a lazy sense of enjoyment, softening the sharpness of his feelings like the September haze softened the view below. But Lily, despite her calm demeanor, was a whirlwind of thoughts inside. At that moment, she felt like two people: one breathing in freedom and joy, and the other struggling for air in a little dark cell of fears. But slowly, the struggling one’s gasps faded, or the other paid less attention to them: the horizon broadened, the air became stronger, and her free spirit stirred with a desire to soar.
She could not herself have explained the sense of buoyancy which seemed to lift and swing her above the sun-suffused world at her feet. Was it love, she wondered, or a mere fortuitous combination of happy thoughts and sensations? How much of it was owing to the spell of the perfect afternoon, the scent of the fading woods, the thought of the dulness she had fled from? Lily had no definite experience by which to test the quality of her feelings. She had several times been in love with fortunes or careers, but only once with a man. That was years ago, when she first came out, and had been smitten with a romantic passion for a young gentleman named Herbert Melson, who had blue eyes and a little wave in his hair. Mr. Melson, who was possessed of no other negotiable securities, had hastened to employ these in capturing the eldest Miss Van Osburgh: since then he had grown stout and wheezy, and was given to telling anecdotes about his children. If Lily recalled this early emotion it was not to compare it with that which now possessed her; the only point of comparison was the sense of lightness, of emancipation, which she remembered feeling, in the whirl of a waltz or the seclusion of a conservatory, during the brief course of her youthful romance. She had not known again till today that lightness, that glow of freedom; but now it was something more than a blind groping of the blood. The peculiar charm of her feeling for Selden was that she understood it; she could put her finger on every link of the chain that was drawing them together. Though his popularity was of the quiet kind, felt rather than actively expressed among his friends, she had never mistaken his inconspicuousness for obscurity. His reputed cultivation was generally regarded as a slight obstacle to easy intercourse, but Lily, who prided herself on her broad-minded recognition of literature, and always carried an Omar Khayam in her travelling-bag, was attracted by this attribute, which she felt would have had its distinction in an older society. It was, moreover, one of his gifts to look his part; to have a height which lifted his head above the crowd, and the keenly-modelled dark features which, in a land of amorphous types, gave him the air of belonging to a more specialized race, of carrying the impress of a concentrated past. Expansive persons found him a little dry, and very young girls thought him sarcastic; but this air of friendly aloofness, as far removed as possible from any assertion of personal advantage, was the quality which piqued Lily’s interest. Everything about him accorded with the fastidious element in her taste, even to the light irony with which he surveyed what seemed to her most sacred. She admired him most of all, perhaps, for being able to convey as distinct a sense of superiority as the richest man she had ever met.
She couldn't quite explain the feeling of lightness that seemed to lift and swing her above the sunlit world beneath her. Was it love, she wondered, or just a lucky mix of happy thoughts and sensations? How much of it came from the magic of the perfect afternoon, the scent of the fading woods, the memory of the dullness she had escaped? Lily had no clear experience to measure her feelings against. She had fallen in love several times with ambitions or careers, but only once with a man. That was years ago when she first entered society and had a romantic crush on a young man named Herbert Melson, who had blue eyes and a little wave in his hair. Mr. Melson, who had no other tangible assets, quickly used his charm to win over the eldest Miss Van Osburgh; since then, he had become a bit plump and wheezy and often told stories about his kids. If Lily remembered that early emotion, it wasn't to compare it with what she felt now; the only similarity was the sense of lightness and freedom she recalled feeling while waltzing or in the privacy of a conservatory during her brief youthful romance. She hadn't felt that same lightness, that glow of freedom, until today; but now it was more than just an instinctive thrill. The unique charm of her feelings for Selden was that she fully understood them; she could pinpoint every link in the chain that was pulling them together. Though his popularity was subtle, felt more than actively shown among his friends, she never confused his reserved nature with obscurity. His intellect was often seen as a small barrier to easy interaction, but Lily, who took pride in her broad-minded appreciation of literature and always carried an Omar Khayyam in her travel bag, found this quality appealing, believing it would have been esteemed in a more refined society. Moreover, he had a gift for looking the part; his height elevated him above the crowd, and his sharply defined dark features, in a land of generic types, gave him an air of belonging to a more distinct heritage, carrying the weight of a rich past. Outgoing people found him a bit dry, and very young girls thought he was sarcastic; yet this friendly distance, as far from any claim to personal gain as possible, was what intrigued Lily. Everything about him matched her discerning taste, even the subtle irony with which he viewed what she considered most sacred. Perhaps she admired him most for having an unmistakable sense of superiority, much like the wealthiest people she had ever met.
It was the unconscious prolongation of this thought which led her to say presently, with a laugh: “I have broken two engagements for you today. How many have you broken for me?”
It was the unintentional extension of this thought that made her say, laughing, “I’ve canceled two plans for you today. How many have you canceled for me?”
“None,” said Selden calmly. “My only engagement at Bellomont was with you.”
“None,” said Selden calmly. “My only plan at Bellomont was with you.”
She glanced down at him, faintly smiling.
She looked down at him, giving a slight smile.
“Did you really come to Bellomont to see me?”
“Did you actually come to Bellomont to see me?”
“Of course I did.”
"Of course I did."
Her look deepened meditatively. “Why?” she murmured, with an accent which took all tinge of coquetry from the question.
Her expression grew thoughtful. “Why?” she asked quietly, with a tone that completely removed any hint of flirtation from her question.
“Because you’re such a wonderful spectacle: I always like to see what you are doing.”
“Because you’re such an amazing sight: I always enjoy seeing what you’re up to.”
“How do you know what I should be doing if you were not here?”
“How can you know what I should be doing if you weren't here?”
Selden smiled. “I don’t flatter myself that my coming has deflected your course of action by a hair’s breadth.”
Selden smiled. “I don't kid myself that my arrival has changed your plans at all.”
“That’s absurd—since, if you were not here, I could obviously not be taking a walk with you.”
"That's ridiculous—because if you weren't here, I obviously couldn't be taking a walk with you."
“No; but your taking a walk with me is only another way of making use of your material. You are an artist and I happen to be the bit of colour you are using today. It’s a part of your cleverness to be able to produce premeditated effects extemporaneously.”
“No; but walking with me is just another way for you to use your resources. You’re an artist, and I just happen to be the splash of color you’re using today. It’s part of your skill to create planned effects on the spot.”
Lily smiled also: his words were too acute not to strike her sense of humour. It was true that she meant to use the accident of his presence as part of a very definite effect; or that, at least, was the secret pretext she had found for breaking her promise to walk with Mr. Gryce. She had sometimes been accused of being too eager—even Judy Trenor had warned her to go slowly. Well, she would not be too eager in this case; she would give her suitor a longer taste of suspense. Where duty and inclination jumped together, it was not in Lily’s nature to hold them asunder. She had excused herself from the walk on the plea of a headache: the horrid headache which, in the morning, had prevented her venturing to church. Her appearance at luncheon justified the excuse. She looked languid, full of a suffering sweetness; she carried a scent-bottle in her hand. Mr. Gryce was new to such manifestations; he wondered rather nervously if she were delicate, having far-reaching fears about the future of his progeny. But sympathy won the day, and he besought her not to expose herself: he always connected the outer air with ideas of exposure.
Lily smiled too; his words were too sharp not to tickle her sense of humor. It was true that she planned to use the chance of his presence to create a very specific effect; at least, that was the excuse she had come up with for breaking her promise to walk with Mr. Gryce. She had sometimes been told she was too eager—even Judy Trenor had advised her to take it slow. Well, she wouldn’t be too eager in this case; she would let her suitor linger a bit longer in suspense. When duty and desire aligned, it wasn’t in Lily’s nature to separate them. She had excused herself from the walk by claiming she had a headache: the awful headache that had kept her from going to church in the morning. Her appearance at lunch supported her excuse. She looked weak, with a touch of sweet suffering; she held a scent bottle in her hand. Mr. Gryce was unfamiliar with such displays; he nervously wondered if she was fragile, worrying about the future of his offspring. But sympathy won out, and he urged her not to put herself at risk: he always associated the outdoors with the idea of exposure.
Lily had received his sympathy with languid gratitude, urging him, since she should be such poor company, to join the rest of the party who, after luncheon, were starting in automobiles on a visit to the Van Osburghs at Peekskill. Mr. Gryce was touched by her disinterestedness, and, to escape from the threatened vacuity of the afternoon, had taken her advice and departed mournfully, in a dust-hood and goggles: as the motor-car plunged down the avenue she smiled at his resemblance to a baffled beetle. Selden had watched her manoeuvres with lazy amusement. She had made no reply to his suggestion that they should spend the afternoon together, but as her plan unfolded itself he felt fairly confident of being included in it. The house was empty when at length he heard her step on the stair and strolled out of the billiard-room to join her.
Lily had accepted his sympathy with a tired gratitude, encouraging him, since she would be such bad company, to join the rest of the group who, after lunch, were heading out in cars to visit the Van Osburghs in Peekskill. Mr. Gryce was impressed by her selflessness and, wanting to avoid the dullness of the afternoon, followed her advice and left sadly, dressed in a dust mask and goggles: as the car sped down the street, she smiled at how much he looked like a confused beetle. Selden had watched her actions with relaxed amusement. She hadn't responded to his suggestion that they spend the afternoon together, but as her plan became clearer, he felt pretty sure he would be part of it. The house was empty when he finally heard her steps on the stairs and walked out of the billiard room to join her.
She had on a hat and walking-dress, and the dogs were bounding at her feet.
She was wearing a hat and a walking dress, and the dogs were running around her feet.
“I thought, after all, the air might do me good,” she explained; and he agreed that so simple a remedy was worth trying.
"I thought that, after all, some fresh air might help me," she explained; and he agreed that such a simple solution was worth a shot.
The excursionists would be gone at least four hours; Lily and Selden had the whole afternoon before them, and the sense of leisure and safety gave the last touch of lightness to her spirit. With so much time to talk, and no definite object to be led up to, she could taste the rare joys of mental vagrancy.
The travelers would be gone for at least four hours; Lily and Selden had the whole afternoon ahead of them, and the feeling of freedom and security added a final touch of lightness to her mood. With so much time to chat and no specific goal to reach, she could enjoy the rare pleasures of wandering thoughts.
She felt so free from ulterior motives that she took up his charge with a touch of resentment.
She felt so genuine that she accepted his request with a hint of annoyance.
“I don’t know,” she said, “why you are always accusing me of premeditation.”
“I don’t know,” she said, “why you’re always accusing me of planning this out.”
“I thought you confessed to it: you told me the other day that you had to follow a certain line—and if one does a thing at all it is a merit to do it thoroughly.”
“I thought you admitted to it: you told me the other day that you had to stick to a certain approach—and if you're going to do something, it’s a good thing to do it well.”
“If you mean that a girl who has no one to think for her is obliged to think for herself, I am quite willing to accept the imputation. But you must find me a dismal kind of person if you suppose that I never yield to an impulse.”
“If you mean that a girl who has no one to think for her has to think for herself, I’m totally okay with that assumption. But you must think I’m a pretty gloomy person if you believe that I never act on an impulse.”
“Ah, but I don’t suppose that: haven’t I told you that your genius lies in converting impulses into intentions?”
“Ah, but I don’t think that: haven’t I mentioned that your talent is in turning impulses into intentions?”
“My genius?” she echoed with a sudden note of weariness. “Is there any final test of genius but success? And I certainly haven’t succeeded.”
“My genius?” she repeated, sounding suddenly tired. “Is there any final measure of genius other than success? And I definitely haven’t succeeded.”
Selden pushed his hat back and took a side-glance at her. “Success—what is success? I shall be interested to have your definition.”
Selden pushed his hat back and glanced at her. “Success—what does success really mean? I’d like to hear your definition.”
“Success?” She hesitated. “Why, to get as much as one can out of life, I suppose. It’s a relative quality, after all. Isn’t that your idea of it?”
“Success?” She paused. “Well, I guess it’s about getting as much as you can out of life. It’s a relative thing, after all. Isn’t that what you think?”
“My idea of it? God forbid!” He sat up with sudden energy, resting his elbows on his knees and staring out upon the mellow fields. “My idea of success,” he said, “is personal freedom.”
“My idea of it? No way!” He sat up with a burst of energy, resting his elbows on his knees and looking out at the warm fields. “My idea of success,” he said, “is personal freedom.”
“Freedom? Freedom from worries?”
"Freedom? Freedom from stress?"
“From everything—from money, from poverty, from ease and anxiety, from all the material accidents. To keep a kind of republic of the spirit—that’s what I call success.”
“From everything—from money, from poverty, from comfort and worry, from all the material circumstances. To maintain a kind of community of the spirit—that’s what I call success.”
She leaned forward with a responsive flash. “I know—I know—it’s strange; but that’s just what I’ve been feeling today.”
She leaned forward with a spark of understanding. “I know—I know—it’s odd; but that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling today.”
He met her eyes with the latent sweetness of his. “Is the feeling so rare with you?” he said.
He met her gaze with the hidden warmth of his. “Is this feeling really so rare for you?” he asked.
She blushed a little under his gaze. “You think me horribly sordid, don’t you? But perhaps it’s rather that I never had any choice. There was no one, I mean, to tell me about the republic of the spirit.”
She blushed a bit under his gaze. “You think I'm really sordid, don’t you? But maybe it's more that I never had any choice. There was no one, I mean, to tell me about the republic of the spirit.”
“There never is—it’s a country one has to find the way to one’s self.”
“There never is—it’s a country you have to find your way to within yourself.”
“But I should never have found my way there if you hadn’t told me.”
“But I would have never figured out how to get there if you hadn’t told me.”
“Ah, there are sign-posts—but one has to know how to read them.”
“Ah, there are signposts—but you have to know how to read them.”
“Well, I have known, I have known!” she cried with a glow of eagerness. “Whenever I see you, I find myself spelling out a letter of the sign—and yesterday—last evening at dinner—I suddenly saw a little way into your republic.”
“Okay, I get it, I really get it!” she exclaimed with excitement. “Every time I see you, I find myself trying to read your sign—and yesterday—last night at dinner—I suddenly understood a bit about your world.”
Selden was still looking at her, but with a changed eye. Hitherto he had found, in her presence and her talk, the aesthetic amusement which a reflective man is apt to seek in desultory intercourse with pretty women. His attitude had been one of admiring spectatorship, and he would have been almost sorry to detect in her any emotional weakness which should interfere with the fulfilment of her aims. But now the hint of this weakness had become the most interesting thing about her. He had come on her that morning in a moment of disarray; her face had been pale and altered, and the diminution of her beauty had lent her a poignant charm. THAT IS HOW SHE LOOKS WHEN SHE IS ALONE! had been his first thought; and the second was to note in her the change which his coming produced. It was the danger-point of their intercourse that he could not doubt the spontaneity of her liking. From whatever angle he viewed their dawning intimacy, he could not see it as part of her scheme of life; and to be the unforeseen element in a career so accurately planned was stimulating even to a man who had renounced sentimental experiments.
Selden was still looking at her, but with a different perspective. Until now, he'd seen her presence and conversation as the aesthetic enjoyment a thoughtful person often seeks in casual interactions with attractive women. His attitude had been one of admiring observation, and he would have almost felt regret if he found any emotional weakness in her that might disrupt her objectives. But now, this hint of weakness had become the most intriguing aspect of her. He had encountered her that morning in a moment of disarray; her face was pale and changed, and the loss of some of her beauty added a striking charm. THAT IS HOW SHE LOOKS WHEN SHE IS ALONE! was his first thought; his second was to notice how her demeanor shifted with his arrival. The critical point in their relationship was that he couldn't doubt the genuineness of her affection. No matter how he looked at their growing closeness, he couldn't see it as part of her life plan; being the unexpected factor in such a precisely mapped out career was exciting, even for someone who had given up on emotional adventures.
“Well,” he said, “did it make you want to see more? Are you going to become one of us?”
“Well,” he said, “did it make you want to see more? Are you going to join us?”
He had drawn out his cigarettes as he spoke, and she reached her hand toward the case.
He pulled out his cigarettes as he talked, and she reached for the case.
“Oh, do give me one—I haven’t smoked for days!”
“Oh, please give me one—I haven't smoked in days!”
“Why such unnatural abstinence? Everybody smokes at Bellomont.”
“Why are you being so unusually abstinent? Everyone smokes at Bellomont.”
“Yes—but it is not considered becoming in a JEUNE FILLE A MARIER; and at the present moment I am a JEUNE FILLE A MARIER.”
“Yes—but it’s not seen as appropriate for a young woman about to be married; and right now, I am a young woman about to be married.”
“Ah, then I’m afraid we can’t let you into the republic.”
“Ah, then I’m afraid we can’t allow you into the republic.”
“Why not? Is it a celibate order?”
“Why not? Is it a celibate group?”
“Not in the least, though I’m bound to say there are not many married people in it. But you will marry some one very rich, and it’s as hard for rich people to get into as the kingdom of heaven.”
“Not at all, although I must say there aren't many married people in it. But you will marry someone very wealthy, and it's as difficult for rich people to get in as it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle.”
“That’s unjust, I think, because, as I understand it, one of the conditions of citizenship is not to think too much about money, and the only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it.”
"That's unfair, I believe, because, as I see it, one of the requirements of being a citizen is not to focus too much on money, and the only way to avoid thinking about money is to have plenty of it."
“You might as well say that the only way not to think about air is to have enough to breathe. That is true enough in a sense; but your lungs are thinking about the air, if you are not. And so it is with your rich people—they may not be thinking of money, but they’re breathing it all the while; take them into another element and see how they squirm and gasp!”
“You could say that the only way not to think about air is to have plenty to breathe. That’s true to an extent; but your lungs are aware of the air, even if you’re not. The same goes for wealthy people—they might not consciously think about money, but they’re surrounded by it all the time; put them in a different situation and watch how they squirm and struggle!”
Lily sat gazing absently through the blue rings of her cigarette-smoke.
Lily sat staring blankly through the blue rings of her cigarette smoke.
“It seems to me,” she said at length, “that you spend a good deal of your time in the element you disapprove of.”
“It seems to me,” she said after a while, “that you spend a lot of your time in the environment you don’t approve of.”
Selden received this thrust without discomposure. “Yes; but I have tried to remain amphibious: it’s all right as long as one’s lungs can work in another air. The real alchemy consists in being able to turn gold back again into something else; and that’s the secret that most of your friends have lost.”
Selden took this jab without losing his cool. “Yeah; but I’ve tried to stay versatile: it’s fine as long as you can breathe in a different environment. The real magic is being able to transform gold back into something else; and that’s the secret that most of your friends have forgotten.”
Lily mused. “Don’t you think,” she rejoined after a moment, “that the people who find fault with society are too apt to regard it as an end and not a means, just as the people who despise money speak as if its only use were to be kept in bags and gloated over? Isn’t it fairer to look at them both as opportunities, which may be used either stupidly or intelligently, according to the capacity of the user?”
Lily pondered. “Don’t you think,” she replied after a moment, “that people who criticize society often see it as a goal instead of a tool, just like those who hate money act like its only purpose is to be stuffed in bags and admired? Isn’t it more reasonable to view both as opportunities that can be used either foolishly or wisely, depending on the user's ability?”
“That is certainly the sane view; but the queer thing about society is that the people who regard it as an end are those who are in it, and not the critics on the fence. It’s just the other way with most shows—the audience may be under the illusion, but the actors know that real life is on the other side of the footlights. The people who take society as an escape from work are putting it to its proper use; but when it becomes the thing worked for it distorts all the relations of life.” Selden raised himself on his elbow. “Good heavens!” he went on, “I don’t underrate the decorative side of life. It seems to me the sense of splendour has justified itself by what it has produced. The worst of it is that so much human nature is used up in the process. If we’re all the raw stuff of the cosmic effects, one would rather be the fire that tempers a sword than the fish that dyes a purple cloak. And a society like ours wastes such good material in producing its little patch of purple! Look at a boy like Ned Silverton—he’s really too good to be used to refurbish anybody’s social shabbiness. There’s a lad just setting out to discover the universe: isn’t it a pity he should end by finding it in Mrs. Fisher’s drawing-room?”
"That’s definitely the reasonable perspective; but the strange thing about society is that the people who see it as a goal are those who are part of it, not the critics on the sidelines. Most shows are the opposite—the audience might be fooled, but the actors know that real life exists beyond the stage. Those who view society as an escape from work are using it correctly; but when it becomes what they strive for, it messes up all the relationships in life.” Selden lifted himself onto his elbow. “Oh my gosh!” he continued, “I don’t underestimate the beautiful side of life. It seems to me that the sense of splendor has proven itself by what it has created. The downside is that so much of human nature is spent in the process. If we’re all the raw material for cosmic outcomes, one would prefer to be the fire that tempers a sword rather than the fish that colors a purple robe. And a society like ours wastes such good resources producing its little patch of purple! Look at a boy like Ned Silverton—he’s really too good to be used to polish anyone’s social flaws. There’s a young man just beginning to explore the universe: isn’t it a shame he should end up discovering it in Mrs. Fisher’s living room?”
“Ned is a dear boy, and I hope he will keep his illusions long enough to write some nice poetry about them; but do you think it is only in society that he is likely to lose them?”
“Ned is a great kid, and I hope he holds on to his dreams long enough to write some nice poetry about them; but do you think he’s only likely to lose them in society?”
Selden answered her with a shrug. “Why do we call all our generous ideas illusions, and the mean ones truths? Isn’t it a sufficient condemnation of society to find one’s self accepting such phraseology? I very nearly acquired the jargon at Silverton’s age, and I know how names can alter the colour of beliefs.”
Selden shrugged and replied, “Why do we label all our generous ideas as illusions and the selfish ones as truths? Isn’t it enough to condemn society when we find ourselves using such language? I almost picked up that way of thinking when I was Silverton’s age, and I understand how names can change the perception of beliefs.”
She had never heard him speak with such energy of affirmation. His habitual touch was that of the eclectic, who lightly turns over and compares; and she was moved by this sudden glimpse into the laboratory where his faiths were formed.
She had never heard him talk with such passionate certainty. His usual approach was that of someone who casually explores and contrasts ideas, and she was touched by this unexpected look into the process where his beliefs were created.
“Ah, you are as bad as the other sectarians,” she exclaimed; “why do you call your republic a republic? It is a closed corporation, and you create arbitrary objections in order to keep people out.”
“Ah, you’re just like the other sectarians,” she shouted; “why do you call your republic a republic? It’s a closed club, and you come up with random reasons to keep people out.”
“It is not MY republic; if it were, I should have a COUP D’ETAT and seat you on the throne.”
“It’s not MY republic; if it were, I’d stage a COUP D’ETAT and put you on the throne.”
“Whereas, in reality, you think I can never even get my foot across the threshold? Oh, I understand what you mean. You despise my ambitions—you think them unworthy of me!”
“Whereas, in reality, you think I can never even step through the door? Oh, I get what you mean. You look down on my ambitions—you think they’re not good enough for me!”
Selden smiled, but not ironically. “Well, isn’t that a tribute? I think them quite worthy of most of the people who live by them.”
Selden smiled, but not in a sarcastic way. “Well, isn’t that a compliment? I think they’re quite deserving of most of the people who follow them.”
She had turned to gaze on him gravely. “But isn’t it possible that, if I had the opportunities of these people, I might make a better use of them? Money stands for all kinds of things—its purchasing quality isn’t limited to diamonds and motor-cars.”
She turned to look at him seriously. “But isn’t it possible that if I had the same opportunities as these people, I could use them better? Money represents all sorts of things—its buying power isn’t just for diamonds and cars.”
“Not in the least: you might expiate your enjoyment of them by founding a hospital.”
“Not at all: you could make up for your enjoyment of them by starting a hospital.”
“But if you think they are what I should really enjoy, you must think my ambitions are good enough for me.”
“But if you believe those are what I should truly enjoy, you must think my ambitions are just right for me.”
Selden met this appeal with a laugh. “Ah, my dear Miss Bart, I am not divine Providence, to guarantee your enjoying the things you are trying to get!”
Selden responded to this appeal with a laugh. “Ah, my dear Miss Bart, I’m not divine Providence, here to ensure you enjoy the things you’re trying to obtain!”
“Then the best you can say for me is, that after struggling to get them I probably shan’t like them?” She drew a deep breath. “What a miserable future you foresee for me!”
“Then the best you can say about me is that after working so hard to get them, I probably won’t even like them?” She took a deep breath. “What a depressing future you imagine for me!”
“Well—have you never foreseen it for yourself?” The slow colour rose to her cheek, not a blush of excitement but drawn from the deep wells of feeling; it was as if the effort of her spirit had produced it.
“Well—have you never seen it coming for yourself?” The slow color rose to her cheek, not a blush of excitement but drawn from deep wells of emotion; it was as if the effort of her spirit had created it.
“Often and often,” she said. “But it looks so much darker when you show it to me!”
“Often and often,” she said. “But it looks so much darker when you show it to me!”
He made no answer to this exclamation, and for a while they sat silent, while something throbbed between them in the wide quiet of the air.
He didn't respond to her exclamation, and for a while they sat in silence, while something pulsed between them in the wide stillness of the air.
But suddenly she turned on him with a kind of vehemence. “Why do you do this to me?” she cried. “Why do you make the things I have chosen seem hateful to me, if you have nothing to give me instead?”
But suddenly she snapped at him with a kind of intensity. “Why are you doing this to me?” she yelled. “Why do you make the things I've chosen feel terrible if you have nothing better to offer?”
The words roused Selden from the musing fit into which he had fallen. He himself did not know why he had led their talk along such lines; it was the last use he would have imagined himself making of an afternoon’s solitude with Miss Bart. But it was one of those moments when neither seemed to speak deliberately, when an indwelling voice in each called to the other across unsounded depths of feeling.
The words pulled Selden out of the deep thoughts he had slipped into. He didn't even know why he had steered their conversation in that direction; it was the last thing he would have expected to do during an afternoon alone with Miss Bart. But it was one of those moments when neither of them spoke intentionally, and an inner voice in each of them reached out to the other across uncharted emotional depths.
“No, I have nothing to give you instead,” he said, sitting up and turning so that he faced her. “If I had, it should be yours, you know.”
“No, I have nothing to give you instead,” he said, sitting up and turning to face her. “If I had something, it would be yours, you know.”
She received this abrupt declaration in a way even stranger than the manner of its making: she dropped her face on her hands and he saw that for a moment she wept.
She took this sudden announcement in an even weirder way than it was given: she buried her face in her hands, and he noticed that for a moment, she cried.
It was for a moment only, however; for when he leaned nearer and drew down her hands with a gesture less passionate than grave, she turned on him a face softened but not disfigured by emotion, and he said to himself, somewhat cruelly, that even her weeping was an art.
It was only for a moment, though; when he leaned in closer and lowered her hands with a gesture that was more serious than passionate, she looked at him with a face that was softened but not distorted by her feelings, and he thought to himself, somewhat harshly, that even her tears were a form of art.
The reflection steadied his voice as he asked, between pity and irony: “Isn’t it natural that I should try to belittle all the things I can’t offer you?”
The reflection steadied his voice as he asked, with a mix of sympathy and sarcasm: “Isn’t it natural for me to downplay everything I can't provide you?”
Her face brightened at this, but she drew her hand away, not with a gesture of coquetry, but as though renouncing something to which she had no claim.
Her face lit up at this, but she pulled her hand back, not in a flirty way, but as if she was giving up something she had no right to.
“But you belittle ME, don’t you,” she returned gently, “in being so sure they are the only things I care for?”
“But you underestimate ME, don’t you,” she replied softly, “by being so sure they are the only things I care about?”
Selden felt an inner start; but it was only the last quiver of his egoism. Almost at once he answered quite simply: “But you do care for them, don’t you? And no wishing of mine can alter that.”
Selden felt a jolt inside, but it was just the final flicker of his self-importance. Almost immediately, he responded straightforwardly: “But you do care about them, right? And no amount of wishing from me can change that.”
He had so completely ceased to consider how far this might carry him, that he had a distinct sense of disappointment when she turned on him a face sparkling with derision.
He had completely stopped thinking about how far this could take him, so he felt a clear sense of disappointment when she looked at him with a face full of mockery.
“Ah,” she cried, “for all your fine phrases you’re really as great a coward as I am, for you wouldn’t have made one of them if you hadn’t been so sure of my answer.”
“Ah,” she exclaimed, “for all your fancy words, you’re just as much of a coward as I am, because you wouldn’t have said any of that if you weren’t so sure of my response.”
The shock of this retort had the effect of crystallizing Selden’s wavering intentions.
The surprise of this response made Selden's uncertain intentions clear.
“I am not so sure of your answer,” he said quietly. “And I do you the justice to believe that you are not either.”
“I’m not so sure about your answer,” he said quietly. “And I do you the courtesy of believing that you’re not either.”
It was her turn to look at him with surprise; and after a moment—“Do you want to marry me?” she asked.
It was her turn to look at him with surprise; and after a moment—“Do you want to marry me?” she asked.
He broke into a laugh. “No, I don’t want to—but perhaps I should if you did!”
He burst out laughing. “No, I don’t want to—but maybe I should if you did!”
“That’s what I told you—you’re so sure of me that you can amuse yourself with experiments.” She drew back the hand he had regained, and sat looking down on him sadly.
"That’s what I told you—you’re so certain of me that you can entertain yourself with experiments." She pulled her hand away from him and sat looking down at him with a sad expression.
“I am not making experiments,” he returned. “Or if I am, it is not on you but on myself. I don’t know what effect they are going to have on me—but if marrying you is one of them, I will take the risk.”
“I’m not experimenting,” he replied. “Or if I am, it’s not on you but on myself. I have no idea what effect it will have on me—but if marrying you is part of that, I’m willing to take the risk.”
She smiled faintly. “It would be a great risk, certainly—I have never concealed from you how great.”
She smiled softly. “It would definitely be a big risk—I’ve never hidden from you how significant it is.”
“Ah, it’s you who are the coward!” he exclaimed.
“Ah, you’re the coward!” he shouted.
She had risen, and he stood facing her with his eyes on hers. The soft isolation of the falling day enveloped them: they seemed lifted into a finer air. All the exquisite influences of the hour trembled in their veins, and drew them to each other as the loosened leaves were drawn to the earth.
She had gotten up, and he stood facing her, looking into her eyes. The gentle solitude of the setting day surrounded them: they felt elevated into a lighter atmosphere. All the beautiful sensations of the moment coursed through their bodies, pulling them together like fallen leaves being drawn to the ground.
“It’s you who are the coward,” he repeated, catching her hands in his.
“It’s you who’s the coward,” he repeated, grabbing her hands in his.
She leaned on him for a moment, as if with a drop of tired wings: he felt as though her heart were beating rather with the stress of a long flight than the thrill of new distances. Then, drawing back with a little smile of warning—“I shall look hideous in dowdy clothes; but I can trim my own hats,” she declared.
She leaned on him for a moment, as if exhausted: he felt like her heart was beating more from the strain of a long journey than from the excitement of new adventures. Then, pulling away with a small teasing smile—“I’ll look awful in boring clothes; but I can fix my own hats,” she said.
They stood silent for a while after this, smiling at each other like adventurous children who have climbed to a forbidden height from which they discover a new world. The actual world at their feet was veiling itself in dimness, and across the valley a clear moon rose in the denser blue.
They stood quiet for a bit after this, smiling at each other like adventurous kids who had climbed to a forbidden height and discovered a new world. The actual world at their feet was fading into darkness, and across the valley, a bright moon rose in the deeper blue.
Suddenly they heard a remote sound, like the hum of a giant insect, and following the high-road, which wound whiter through the surrounding twilight, a black object rushed across their vision.
Suddenly, they heard a distant sound, like the buzz of a huge insect, and following the main road, which wound clearer through the surrounding dusk, a dark shape shot across their line of sight.
Lily started from her attitude of absorption; her smile faded and she began to move toward the lane.
Lily began to lose her focus; her smile disappeared and she started to walk toward the lane.
“I had no idea it was so late! We shall not be back till after dark,” she said, almost impatiently.
“I didn’t realize it was so late! We won’t be back until after dark,” she said, almost impatiently.
Selden was looking at her with surprise: it took him a moment to regain his usual view of her; then he said, with an uncontrollable note of dryness: “That was not one of our party; the motor was going the other way.”
Selden was staring at her in surprise: it took him a moment to get back to his usual perspective of her; then he said, with an uncontrollable hint of dryness: “That wasn’t one of our group; the car was going the other way.”
“I know—I know——” She paused, and he saw her redden through the twilight. “But I told them I was not well—that I should not go out. Let us go down!” she murmured.
“I know—I know——” She paused, and he noticed her blush in the fading light. “But I told them I wasn’t feeling well—that I shouldn’t go out. Let’s head downstairs!” she whispered.
Selden continued to look at her; then he drew his cigarette-case from his pocket and slowly lit a cigarette. It seemed to him necessary, at that moment, to proclaim, by some habitual gesture of this sort, his recovered hold on the actual: he had an almost puerile wish to let his companion see that, their flight over, he had landed on his feet.
Selden kept staring at her; then he took his cigarette case out of his pocket and slowly lit a cigarette. At that moment, he felt it was important, through this familiar gesture, to show that he was back in touch with reality: he had a almost childish desire to let his companion know that, now that their escape was over, he had come out okay.
She waited while the spark flickered under his curved palm; then he held out the cigarettes to her.
She waited as the spark flickered in his curved palm; then he offered her the cigarettes.
She took one with an unsteady hand, and putting it to her lips, leaned forward to draw her light from his. In the indistinctness the little red gleam lit up the lower part of her face, and he saw her mouth tremble into a smile.
She took one with a shaky hand, and bringing it to her lips, leaned forward to catch her light from his. In the dimness, the small red glow illuminated the lower part of her face, and he saw her mouth quiver into a smile.
“Were you serious?” she asked, with an odd thrill of gaiety which she might have caught up, in haste, from a heap of stock inflections, without having time to select the just note. Selden’s voice was under better control. “Why not?” he returned. “You see I took no risks in being so.” And as she continued to stand before him, a little pale under the retort, he added quickly: “Let us go down.”
“Were you serious?” she asked, with a strange burst of happiness that seemed to come from a mix of common reactions, without her having time to choose the right feeling. Selden’s voice was more composed. “Why not?” he replied. “You see, I didn’t take any risks by saying that.” And as she stood there a bit pale from his response, he quickly added: “Let’s go downstairs.”
Chapter 7
It spoke much for the depth of Mrs. Trenor’s friendship that her voice, in admonishing Miss Bart, took the same note of personal despair as if she had been lamenting the collapse of a house-party.
It really showed how deep Mrs. Trenor’s friendship was that her voice, while advising Miss Bart, had the same tone of personal sadness as if she had been mourning the end of a house-party.
“All I can say is, Lily, that I can’t make you out!” She leaned back, sighing, in the morning abandon of lace and muslin, turning an indifferent shoulder to the heaped-up importunities of her desk, while she considered, with the eye of a physician who has given up the case, the erect exterior of the patient confronting her.
“All I can say is, Lily, I just can’t figure you out!” She leaned back, sighing, in the morning light surrounded by lace and muslin, turning a disinterested shoulder to the piled-up demands of her desk, while she examined, with the perspective of a doctor who has given up on a patient, the upright figure standing in front of her.
“If you hadn’t told me you were going in for him seriously—but I’m sure you made that plain enough from the beginning! Why else did you ask me to let you off bridge, and to keep away Carry and Kate Corby? I don’t suppose you did it because he amused you; we could none of us imagine your putting up with him for a moment unless you meant to marry him. And I’m sure everybody played fair! They all wanted to help it along. Even Bertha kept her hands off—I will say that—till Lawrence came down and you dragged him away from her. After that she had a right to retaliate—why on earth did you interfere with her? You’ve known Lawrence Selden for years—why did you behave as if you had just discovered him? If you had a grudge against Bertha it was a stupid time to show it—you could have paid her back just as well after you were married! I told you Bertha was dangerous. She was in an odious mood when she came here, but Lawrence’s turning up put her in a good humour, and if you’d only let her think he came for HER it would have never occurred to her to play you this trick. Oh, Lily, you’ll never do anything if you’re not serious!”
“If you hadn’t told me you were really into him—but I’m sure you made that clear from the start! Why else did you ask me to let you off the hook and to keep Carry and Kate Corby away? I don’t think you did it because he entertained you; none of us could picture you putting up with him for a second unless you were planning to marry him. And I’m sure everyone was trying to be helpful! They all wanted to make it happen. Even Bertha stayed out of it—I’ll give her that—until Lawrence showed up and you pulled him away from her. After that, she had every right to retaliate—why on earth did you get involved? You’ve known Lawrence Selden for years—why did you act like you just met him? If you had a grudge against Bertha, it was a really dumb time to show it—you could have gotten back at her just as easily after you were married! I warned you Bertha was trouble. She was in a nasty mood when she came here, but Lawrence’s arrival cheered her up, and if you’d just let her think he came for HER, it would have never crossed her mind to pull this stunt on you. Oh, Lily, you’ll never get anywhere if you’re not serious!”
Miss Bart accepted this exhortation in a spirit of the purest impartiality. Why should she have been angry? It was the voice of her own conscience which spoke to her through Mrs. Trenor’s reproachful accents. But even to her own conscience she must trump up a semblance of defence. “I only took a day off—I thought he meant to stay on all this week, and I knew Mr. Selden was leaving this morning.”
Miss Bart took this advice with complete neutrality. Why should she be upset? It was her own conscience speaking to her through Mrs. Trenor’s disapproving tone. But even to herself, she had to come up with some kind of defense. “I only took one day off—I thought he planned to stay all week, and I knew Mr. Selden was leaving this morning.”
Mrs. Trenor brushed aside the plea with a gesture which laid bare its weakness.
Mrs. Trenor waved off the plea with a gesture that showed its weakness.
“He did mean to stay—that’s the worst of it. It shows that he’s run away from you; that Bertha’s done her work and poisoned him thoroughly.”
“He really intended to stay—that's the worst part. It proves that he’s escaped from you; that Bertha has done her job and poisoned him completely.”
Lily gave a slight laugh. “Oh, if he’s running I’ll overtake him!”
Lily chuckled softly. “Oh, if he’s running, I’ll catch up to him!”
Her friend threw out an arresting hand. “Whatever you do, Lily, do nothing!”
Her friend raised a hand dramatically. “Whatever you do, Lily, just don’t!”
Miss Bart received the warning with a smile. “I don’t mean, literally, to take the next train. There are ways——” But she did not go on to specify them.
Miss Bart received the warning with a smile. “I don’t literally mean to take the next train. There are other ways——” But she didn’t elaborate on them.
Mrs. Trenor sharply corrected the tense. “There WERE ways—plenty of them! I didn’t suppose you needed to have them pointed out. But don’t deceive yourself—he’s thoroughly frightened. He has run straight home to his mother, and she’ll protect him!”
Mrs. Trenor sharply corrected the tense. “There are ways—plenty of them! I didn’t think you needed them pointed out. But don’t kid yourself—he’s really scared. He ran straight home to his mom, and she’ll protect him!”
“Oh, to the death,” Lily agreed, dimpling at the vision.
“Oh, to the death,” Lily agreed, smiling at the idea.
“How you can LAUGH——” her friend rebuked her; and she dropped back to a soberer perception of things with the question: “What was it Bertha really told him?”
“How can you LAUGH——” her friend scolded her; and she reverted to a more serious view of things with the question: “What did Bertha really tell him?”
“Don’t ask me—horrors! She seemed to have raked up everything. Oh, you know what I mean—of course there isn’t anything, REALLY; but I suppose she brought in Prince Varigliano—and Lord Hubert—and there was some story of your having borrowed money of old Ned Van Alstyne: did you ever?”
“Don’t ask me—yikes! She seemed to have uncovered everything. Oh, you know what I mean—of course there isn’t anything, REALLY; but I guess she mentioned Prince Varigliano—and Lord Hubert—and there was some story about you borrowing money from old Ned Van Alstyne: did you ever?”
“He is my father’s cousin,” Miss Bart interposed.
“He’s my dad’s cousin,” Miss Bart interjected.
“Well, of course she left THAT out. It seems Ned told Carry Fisher; and she told Bertha, naturally. They’re all alike, you know: they hold their tongues for years, and you think you’re safe, but when their opportunity comes they remember everything.”
“Well, of course she left THAT out. It seems Ned told Carry Fisher; and she told Bertha, obviously. They’re all the same, you know: they keep quiet for years, and you think you’re in the clear, but when the moment comes, they remember everything.”
Lily had grown pale: her voice had a harsh note in it. “It was some money I lost at bridge at the Van Osburghs’. I repaid it, of course.”
Lily had become pale: her voice had a harsh edge to it. “I lost some money playing bridge at the Van Osburghs’. I paid it back, of course.”
“Ah, well, they wouldn’t remember that; besides, it was the idea of the gambling debt that frightened Percy. Oh, Bertha knew her man—she knew just what to tell him!”
“Ah, well, they wouldn’t remember that; besides, it was the thought of the gambling debt that scared Percy. Oh, Bertha knew her man—she knew exactly what to say to him!”
In this strain Mrs. Trenor continued for nearly an hour to admonish her friend. Miss Bart listened with admirable equanimity. Her naturally good temper had been disciplined by years of enforced compliance, since she had almost always had to attain her ends by the circuitous path of other people’s; and, being naturally inclined to face unpleasant facts as soon as they presented themselves, she was not sorry to hear an impartial statement of what her folly was likely to cost, the more so as her own thoughts were still insisting on the other side of the case. Presented in the light of Mrs. Trenor’s vigorous comments, the reckoning was certainly a formidable one, and Lily, as she listened, found herself gradually reverting to her friend’s view of the situation. Mrs. Trenor’s words were moreover emphasized for her hearer by anxieties which she herself could scarcely guess. Affluence, unless stimulated by a keen imagination, forms but the vaguest notion of the practical strain of poverty. Judy knew it must be “horrid” for poor Lily to have to stop to consider whether she could afford real lace on her petticoats, and not to have a motor-car and a steam-yacht at her orders; but the daily friction of unpaid bills, the daily nibble of small temptations to expenditure, were trials as far out of her experience as the domestic problems of the char-woman. Mrs. Trenor’s unconsciousness of the real stress of the situation had the effect of making it more galling to Lily. While her friend reproached her for missing the opportunity to eclipse her rivals, she was once more battling in imagination with the mounting tide of indebtedness from which she had so nearly escaped. What wind of folly had driven her out again on those dark seas?
In this vein, Mrs. Trenor went on for nearly an hour to lecture her friend. Miss Bart listened with remarkable calm. Her naturally good temper had been shaped by years of having to comply with others, as she often had to achieve her goals through indirect means. Since she was inclined to face uncomfortable truths as they arose, she was not displeased to hear a straightforward assessment of what her mistakes could cost her, especially since her own thoughts were still leaning toward the opposite view. Under Mrs. Trenor’s strong commentary, the reality of the situation was certainly daunting, and as Lily listened, she found herself gradually returning to her friend's perspective. Furthermore, Mrs. Trenor’s words were made more impactful for Lily by worries that she could hardly fathom. For someone accustomed to wealth, unless fueled by vivid imagination, the harsh realities of poverty are often only vaguely understood. Judy knew it must be terrible for poor Lily to have to think about whether she could afford real lace on her petticoats and not having a car or a yacht at her disposal; however, the daily strain of unpaid bills and the constant temptation to spend were challenges completely outside of her experience, much like the domestic issues faced by a char-woman. Mrs. Trenor’s lack of awareness regarding the real pressure of the situation only intensified Lily’s discomfort. While her friend scolded her for failing to seize the chance to outshine her competitors, Lily was once again struggling in her mind against the rising tide of debt from which she had nearly escaped. What foolishness had led her back out into those dark waters?
If anything was needed to put the last touch to her self-abasement it was the sense of the way her old life was opening its ruts again to receive her. Yesterday her fancy had fluttered free pinions above a choice of occupations; now she had to drop to the level of the familiar routine, in which moments of seeming brilliancy and freedom alternated with long hours of subjection.
If anything was needed to finish her self-deprecation, it was realizing how her old life was settling back into its usual patterns to welcome her. Yesterday, she had imagined soaring above a range of possibilities; now she had to settle into the familiar routine, where moments of apparent brilliance and freedom alternated with long hours of being stuck.
She laid a deprecating hand on her friend’s. “Dear Judy! I’m sorry to have been such a bore, and you are very good to me. But you must have some letters for me to answer—let me at least be useful.”
She put a comforting hand on her friend’s. “Dear Judy! I'm sorry to have been such a drag, and you’re very kind to me. But you must have some letters for me to reply to—let me at least be helpful.”
She settled herself at the desk, and Mrs. Trenor accepted her resumption of the morning’s task with a sigh which implied that, after all, she had proved herself unfit for higher uses.
She got comfortable at the desk, and Mrs. Trenor accepted her return to the morning's task with a sigh that suggested she had, in the end, shown she wasn't cut out for more important things.
The luncheon-table showed a depleted circle. All the men but Jack Stepney and Dorset had returned to town (it seemed to Lily a last touch of irony that Selden and Percy Gryce should have gone in the same train), and Lady Cressida and the attendant Wetheralls had been despatched by motor to lunch at a distant country-house. At such moments of diminished interest it was usual for Mrs. Dorset to keep her room till the afternoon; but on this occasion she drifted in when luncheon was half over, hollowed-eyed and drooping, but with an edge of malice under her indifference.
The lunch table looked sparse. All the men except Jack Stepney and Dorset had gone back to town (Lily thought it was particularly ironic that Selden and Percy Gryce had taken the same train), and Lady Cressida along with the Wetheralls had been sent by car to have lunch at a far-off country house. During these moments of less excitement, Mrs. Dorset usually stayed in her room until the afternoon; but this time she wandered in when lunch was halfway through, her eyes sunken and her demeanor weary, yet with a hint of spite beneath her indifference.
She raised her eyebrows as she looked about the table. “How few of us are left! I do so enjoy the quiet—don’t you, Lily? I wish the men would always stop away—it’s really much nicer without them. Oh, you don’t count, George: one doesn’t have to talk to one’s husband. But I thought Mr. Gryce was to stay for the rest of the week?” she added enquiringly. “Didn’t he intend to, Judy? He’s such a nice boy—I wonder what drove him away? He is rather shy, and I’m afraid we may have shocked him: he has been brought up in such an old-fashioned way. Do you know, Lily, he told me he had never seen a girl play cards for money till he saw you doing it the other night? And he lives on the interest of his income, and always has a lot left over to invest!”
She raised her eyebrows as she looked around the table. “How few of us are left! I really enjoy the quiet—don’t you, Lily? I wish the men would always stay away—it’s so much nicer without them. Oh, you don’t count, George: you don’t have to talk to your husband. But I thought Mr. Gryce was supposed to stay for the rest of the week?” she asked curiously. “Didn’t he plan to, Judy? He’s such a nice guy—I wonder what made him leave? He is pretty shy, and I’m afraid we might have shocked him: he was brought up in such a traditional way. You know, Lily, he told me he had never seen a girl play cards for money until he saw you doing it the other night? And he lives off the interest from his income, and he always has a lot left over to invest!”
Mrs. Fisher leaned forward eagerly. “I do believe it is some one’s duty to educate that young man. It is shocking that he has never been made to realize his duties as a citizen. Every wealthy man should be compelled to study the laws of his country.”
Mrs. Fisher leaned forward eagerly. “I really believe it's someone's responsibility to educate that young man. It's shocking that he has never been made to understand his duties as a citizen. Every wealthy person should be required to study the laws of their country.”
Mrs. Dorset glanced at her quietly. “I think he HAS studied the divorce laws. He told me he had promised the Bishop to sign some kind of a petition against divorce.”
Mrs. Dorset looked at her quietly. “I think he HAS studied the divorce laws. He told me he had promised the Bishop to sign some kind of petition against divorce.”
Mrs. Fisher reddened under her powder, and Stepney said with a laughing glance at Miss Bart: “I suppose he is thinking of marriage, and wants to tinker up the old ship before he goes aboard.”
Mrs. Fisher blushed beneath her makeup, and Stepney said with a chuckle while looking at Miss Bart: “I guess he’s considering marriage and wants to fix up the old ship before he boards.”
His betrothed looked shocked at the metaphor, and George Dorset exclaimed with a sardonic growl: “Poor devil! It isn’t the ship that will do for him, it’s the crew.”
His fiancée looked taken aback by the metaphor, and George Dorset commented with a sarcastic tone: “Poor guy! It’s not the ship that will sink him, it’s the crew.”
“Or the stowaways,” said Miss Corby brightly. “If I contemplated a voyage with him I should try to start with a friend in the hold.”
“Or the stowaways,” said Miss Corby cheerfully. “If I thought about taking a trip with him, I’d want to begin with a friend in the cargo hold.”
Miss Van Osburgh’s vague feeling of pique was struggling for appropriate expression. “I’m sure I don’t see why you laugh at him; I think he’s very nice,” she exclaimed; “and, at any rate, a girl who married him would always have enough to be comfortable.”
Miss Van Osburgh’s vague feeling of annoyance was trying to find the right words. “I really don’t understand why you laugh at him; I think he’s really great,” she said; “and, anyway, a girl who married him would always be comfortable.”
She looked puzzled at the redoubled laughter which hailed her words, but it might have consoled her to know how deeply they had sunk into the breast of one of her hearers.
She looked confused at the renewed laughter that greeted her words, but it might have comforted her to know how deeply they had resonated with one of her listeners.
Comfortable! At that moment the word was more eloquent to Lily Bart than any other in the language. She could not even pause to smile over the heiress’s view of a colossal fortune as a mere shelter against want: her mind was filled with the vision of what that shelter might have been to her. Mrs. Dorset’s pin-pricks did not smart, for her own irony cut deeper: no one could hurt her as much as she was hurting herself, for no one else—not even Judy Trenor—knew the full magnitude of her folly.
Comfortable! At that moment, that word meant more to Lily Bart than anything else in the language. She couldn’t even stop to appreciate the heiress’s perspective that a massive fortune was just a way to avoid poverty; her mind was consumed with what that security could have meant for her. Mrs. Dorset’s little jabs didn’t sting, because her own irony hurt more: no one could wound her as deeply as she was already hurting herself, since no one else—not even Judy Trenor—fully understood the extent of her foolishness.
She was roused from these unprofitable considerations by a whispered request from her hostess, who drew her apart as they left the luncheon-table.
She was pulled away from these pointless thoughts by a soft request from her hostess, who guided her aside as they left the lunch table.
“Lily, dear, if you’ve nothing special to do, may I tell Carry Fisher that you intend to drive to the station and fetch Gus? He will be back at four, and I know she has it in her mind to meet him. Of course I’m very glad to have him amused, but I happen to know that she has bled him rather severely since she’s been here, and she is so keen about going to fetch him that I fancy she must have got a lot more bills this morning. It seems to me,” Mrs. Trenor feelingly concluded, “that most of her alimony is paid by other women’s husbands!”
“Lily, sweetie, if you don’t have anything planned, can you let Carry Fisher know that you’re going to drive to the station to pick up Gus? He’ll be back at four, and I know she wants to see him. I’m really happy to keep him entertained, but I happen to know she has taken quite a bit from him since she’s been here, and she’s so eager to go get him that I think she must have racked up a lot more bills this morning. It seems to me,” Mrs. Trenor said passionately, “that most of her alimony is paid by other women’s husbands!”
Miss Bart, on her way to the station, had leisure to muse over her friend’s words, and their peculiar application to herself. Why should she have to suffer for having once, for a few hours, borrowed money of an elderly cousin, when a woman like Carry Fisher could make a living unrebuked from the good-nature of her men friends and the tolerance of their wives? It all turned on the tiresome distinction between what a married woman might, and a girl might not, do. Of course it was shocking for a married woman to borrow money—and Lily was expertly aware of the implication involved—but still, it was the mere MALUM PROHIBITUM which the world decries but condones, and which, though it may be punished by private vengeance, does not provoke the collective disapprobation of society. To Miss Bart, in short, no such opportunities were possible. She could of course borrow from her women friends—a hundred here or there, at the utmost—but they were more ready to give a gown or a trinket, and looked a little askance when she hinted her preference for a cheque. Women are not generous lenders, and those among whom her lot was cast were either in the same case as herself, or else too far removed from it to understand its necessities. The result of her meditations was the decision to join her aunt at Richfield. She could not remain at Bellomont without playing bridge, and being involved in other expenses; and to continue her usual series of autumn visits would merely prolong the same difficulties. She had reached a point where abrupt retrenchment was necessary, and the only cheap life was a dull life. She would start the next morning for Richfield.
Miss Bart, on her way to the station, had time to think about her friend’s words and how they applied to her situation. Why should she suffer for having borrowed money from an older cousin for just a few hours when someone like Carry Fisher could easily make a living from the goodwill of her male friends and the acceptance of their wives? It all came down to the annoying difference between what a married woman could do and what a girl couldn’t. Of course, it was shocking for a married woman to borrow money—and Lily knew exactly what that meant—but still, it was just a MALUM PROHIBITUM that society condemns yet accepts, and while it might be punished by personal revenge, it doesn’t provoke society’s collective disapproval. For Miss Bart, in short, those kinds of opportunities were out of reach. She could borrow from her female friends—a small amount here or there, at most—but they were more likely to offer a dress or a piece of jewelry and looked a bit disapproving when she suggested she would prefer a check. Women aren’t generous lenders, and those in her circle were either in the same financial situation or too far removed from it to understand her needs. As a result of her reflections, she decided to join her aunt in Richfield. She couldn’t stay at Bellomont without playing bridge and getting into other expenses, and continuing her usual round of autumn visits would only prolong the same problems. She had reached a point where she needed to cut back drastically, and the only affordable life was a boring one. She would leave for Richfield the next morning.
At the station she thought Gus Trenor seemed surprised, and not wholly unrelieved, to see her. She yielded up the reins of the light runabout in which she had driven over, and as he climbed heavily to her side, crushing her into a scant third of the seat, he said: “Halloo! It isn’t often you honour me. You must have been uncommonly hard up for something to do.”
At the station, she thought Gus Trenor looked surprised and a bit relieved to see her. She handed over the reins of the light runabout she had driven there, and as he climbed heavily into the seat next to her, squeezing her into a small part of it, he said, “Hey! It’s not often you come to see me. You must have been really bored to do this.”
The afternoon was warm, and propinquity made her more than usually conscious that he was red and massive, and that beads of moisture had caused the dust of the train to adhere unpleasantly to the broad expanse of cheek and neck which he turned to her; but she was aware also, from the look in his small dull eyes, that the contact with her freshness and slenderness was as agreeable to him as the sight of a cooling beverage.
The afternoon was warm, and being close to him made her more aware than usual that he was red and heavyset, and that beads of sweat had made the dust from the train stick uncomfortably to the wide areas of his cheek and neck that he turned toward her. However, she also noticed from the look in his small, dull eyes that being near her freshness and slenderness was as pleasing to him as seeing a refreshing drink.
The perception of this fact helped her to answer gaily: “It’s not often I have the chance. There are too many ladies to dispute the privilege with me.”
The realization of this made her respond happily: “I don’t often get the chance. There are too many ladies competing for the privilege with me.”
“The privilege of driving me home? Well, I’m glad you won the race, anyhow. But I know what really happened—my wife sent you. Now didn’t she?”
“The privilege of driving me home? Well, I’m glad you won the race, anyway. But I know what really happened—my wife sent you, didn’t she?”
He had the dull man’s unexpected flashes of astuteness, and Lily could not help joining in the laugh with which he had pounced on the truth.
He had the usual dull guy's surprising moments of insight, and Lily couldn't help but join in the laugh when he suddenly pointed out the truth.
“You see, Judy thinks I’m the safest person for you to be with; and she’s quite right,” she rejoined.
"You see, Judy believes I'm the safest person for you to be with, and she's completely right," she replied.
“Oh, is she, though? If she is, it’s because you wouldn’t waste your time on an old hulk like me. We married men have to put up with what we can get: all the prizes are for the clever chaps who’ve kept a free foot. Let me light a cigar, will you? I’ve had a beastly day of it.”
“Oh, really? If she is, it’s only because you wouldn’t bother with someone like me. Us married guys have to settle for whatever we can get: all the good options go to the smart guys who are still single. Let me light a cigar, okay? I've had a terrible day.”
He drew up in the shade of the village street, and passed the reins to her while he held a match to his cigar. The little flame under his hand cast a deeper crimson on his puffing face, and Lily averted her eyes with a momentary feeling of repugnance. And yet some women thought him handsome!
He pulled up in the shade of the village street and handed her the reins while he lit his cigar. The small flame flickering in his hand made his face look redder as he puffed away, and Lily quickly looked away, feeling a brief sense of disgust. Still, some women found him attractive!
As she handed back the reins, she said sympathetically: “Did you have such a lot of tiresome things to do?”
As she handed back the reins, she said kindly, “Did you have a lot of annoying stuff to take care of?”
“I should say so—rather!” Trenor, who was seldom listened to, either by his wife or her friends, settled down into the rare enjoyment of a confidential talk. “You don’t know how a fellow has to hustle to keep this kind of thing going.” He waved his whip in the direction of the Bellomont acres, which lay outspread before them in opulent undulations. “Judy has no idea of what she spends—not that there isn’t plenty to keep the thing going,” he interrupted himself, “but a man has got to keep his eyes open and pick up all the tips he can. My father and mother used to live like fighting-cocks on their income, and put by a good bit of it too—luckily for me—but at the pace we go now, I don’t know where I should be if it weren’t for taking a flyer now and then. The women all think—I mean Judy thinks—I’ve nothing to do but to go downtown once a month and cut off coupons, but the truth is it takes a devilish lot of hard work to keep the machinery running. Not that I ought to complain today, though,” he went on after a moment, “for I did a very neat stroke of business, thanks to Stepney’s friend Rosedale: by the way, Miss Lily, I wish you’d try to persuade Judy to be decently civil to that chap. He’s going to be rich enough to buy us all out one of these days, and if she’d only ask him to dine now and then I could get almost anything out of him. The man is mad to know the people who don’t want to know him, and when a fellow’s in that state there is nothing he won’t do for the first woman who takes him up.”
“I should say so—absolutely!” Trenor, who was rarely listened to by his wife or her friends, settled into the rare pleasure of a private conversation. “You don’t realize how much effort it takes to keep this kind of thing going.” He gestured with his whip towards the Bellomont property, which spread out before them in luxurious waves. “Judy has no clue about her spending—not that there isn’t enough to manage it,” he interrupted himself, “but a guy has to stay alert and gather all the insights he can. My parents used to live pretty frugally on their income and saved a good amount too—thankfully for me—but at the rate we’re going now, I have no idea where I’d be without taking a few risks along the way. The women all think—I mean Judy thinks—I’ve got nothing to do but go downtown once a month and collect coupons, but the reality is that it takes a considerable amount of hard work to keep everything running smoothly. Not that I should complain today, though,” he continued after a pause, “because I pulled off a pretty smart business move, thanks to Stepney’s friend Rosedale. By the way, Miss Lily, I wish you’d try to convince Judy to be somewhat civil to that guy. He’s going to be rich enough to buy us all out one of these days, and if she’d just invite him to dinner every now and then, I could get almost anything out of him. The guy is desperate to know the people who don’t want to know him, and when someone’s in that position, there’s nothing he won’t do for the first woman who shows him a little interest.”
Lily hesitated a moment. The first part of her companion’s discourse had started an interesting train of thought, which was rudely interrupted by the mention of Mr. Rosedale’s name. She uttered a faint protest.
Lily paused for a moment. The first part of her friend’s conversation had sparked an intriguing line of thought, which was abruptly interrupted by the mention of Mr. Rosedale’s name. She gave a slight protest.
“But you know Jack did try to take him about, and he was impossible.”
“But you know Jack tried to take him around, and he was unbearable.”
“Oh, hang it—because he’s fat and shiny, and has a sloppy manner! Well, all I can say is that the people who are clever enough to be civil to him now will make a mighty good thing of it. A few years from now he’ll be in it whether we want him or not, and then he won’t be giving away a half-a-million tip for a dinner.”
“Oh, come on—just because he’s chubby and shiny and has a messy vibe! All I can say is that the folks who are smart enough to be nice to him now are going to benefit a lot from it. A few years down the line, he’ll be involved whether we like it or not, and then he won’t be throwing around a half-a-million tip for a dinner.”
Lily’s mind had reverted from the intrusive personality of Mr. Rosedale to the train of thought set in motion by Trenor’s first words. This vast mysterious Wall Street world of “tips” and “deals”—might she not find in it the means of escape from her dreary predicament? She had often heard of women making money in this way through their friends: she had no more notion than most of her sex of the exact nature of the transaction, and its vagueness seemed to diminish its indelicacy. She could not, indeed, imagine herself, in any extremity, stooping to extract a “tip” from Mr. Rosedale; but at her side was a man in possession of that precious commodity, and who, as the husband of her dearest friend, stood to her in a relation of almost fraternal intimacy.
Lily's thoughts shifted away from the overbearing presence of Mr. Rosedale to the ideas triggered by Trenor’s initial comments. This vast and mysterious Wall Street world of “tips” and “deals”—could it provide her a way out of her dull situation? She had often heard of women making money this way through their connections: she didn’t fully understand the specifics of the transactions, but the ambiguity seemed to lessen any discomfort. She really couldn’t picture herself, in any desperate situation, asking Mr. Rosedale for a “tip”; yet, next to her was a man who had that valuable information, and who, as her closest friend’s husband, was almost like family to her.
In her inmost heart Lily knew it was not by appealing to the fraternal instinct that she was likely to move Gus Trenor; but this way of explaining the situation helped to drape its crudity, and she was always scrupulous about keeping up appearances to herself. Her personal fastidiousness had a moral equivalent, and when she made a tour of inspection in her own mind there were certain closed doors she did not open.
In her deepest thoughts, Lily knew that trying to appeal to Gus Trenor's sense of brotherhood wasn’t really going to influence him; but framing the situation this way made it seem less harsh, and she was always careful about how she perceived things. Her own standards had a moral side, and when she explored her thoughts, there were certain closed doors she chose not to open.
As they reached the gates of Bellomont she turned to Trenor with a smile. “The afternoon is so perfect—don’t you want to drive me a little farther? I’ve been rather out of spirits all day, and it’s so restful to be away from people, with some one who won’t mind if I’m a little dull.”
As they got to the gates of Bellomont, she turned to Trenor with a smile. “The afternoon is so perfect—don’t you want to take me a little farther? I’ve been a bit down all day, and it’s nice to be away from people, with someone who won’t mind if I’m a little boring.”
She looked so plaintively lovely as she proffered the request, so trustfully sure of his sympathy and understanding, that Trenor felt himself wishing that his wife could see how other women treated him—not battered wire-pullers like Mrs. Fisher, but a girl that most men would have given their boots to get such a look from.
She looked so beautifully sad as she made her request, so trustingly confident in his sympathy and understanding, that Trenor found himself wishing his wife could see how other women treated him—not manipulative types like Mrs. Fisher, but a girl that most guys would kill for a look like that.
“Out of spirits? Why on earth should you ever be out of spirits? Is your last box of Doucet dresses a failure, or did Judy rook you out of everything at bridge last night?”
“Feeling down? Why on earth would you ever feel down? Is your latest box of Doucet dresses a flop, or did Judy con you out of everything in bridge last night?”
Lily shook her head with a sigh. “I have had to give up Doucet; and bridge too—I can’t afford it. In fact I can’t afford any of the things my friends do, and I am afraid Judy often thinks me a bore because I don’t play cards any longer, and because I am not as smartly dressed as the other women. But you will think me a bore too if I talk to you about my worries, and I only mention them because I want you to do me a favour—the very greatest of favours.”
Lily shook her head with a sigh. “I’ve had to give up Doucet; and bridge too—I just can’t afford it. Honestly, I can’t afford any of the things my friends do, and I’m worried Judy often thinks I’m a bore because I don’t play cards anymore and because I’m not as well-dressed as the other women. But you’ll think I’m a bore too if I talk to you about my worries, and I only bring them up because I want you to do me a favor—the biggest favor.”
Her eyes sought his once more, and she smiled inwardly at the tinge of apprehension that she read in them.
Her eyes searched for his again, and she smiled to herself at the hint of worry that she saw in them.
“Why, of course—if it’s anything I can manage——” He broke off, and she guessed that his enjoyment was disturbed by the remembrance of Mrs. Fisher’s methods.
"Of course—if it’s something I can handle—" He stopped abruptly, and she sensed that his enjoyment was interrupted by the memory of Mrs. Fisher's ways.
“The greatest of favours,” she rejoined gently. “The fact is, Judy is angry with me, and I want you to make my peace.”
“The greatest of favors,” she replied softly. “The truth is, Judy is upset with me, and I need you to help us mend things.”
“Angry with you? Oh, come, nonsense——” his relief broke through in a laugh. “Why, you know she’s devoted to you.”
“Angry with you? Oh, come on, that's silly——” his relief came out as a laugh. “You know she's totally devoted to you.”
“She is the best friend I have, and that is why I mind having to vex her. But I daresay you know what she has wanted me to do. She has set her heart—poor dear—on my marrying—marrying a great deal of money.”
“She is my closest friend, and that's why I feel bad about upsetting her. But I'm sure you know what she's been hoping for. She’s really eager—poor thing—about me marrying someone with a lot of money.”
She paused with a slight falter of embarrassment, and Trenor, turning abruptly, fixed on her a look of growing intelligence.
She paused, a bit embarrassed, and Trenor, turning suddenly, focused on her with an increasingly insightful look.
“A great deal of money? Oh, by Jove—you don’t mean Gryce? What—you do? Oh, no, of course I won’t mention it—you can trust me to keep my mouth shut—but Gryce—good Lord, GRYCE! Did Judy really think you could bring yourself to marry that portentous little ass? But you couldn’t, eh? And so you gave him the sack, and that’s the reason why he lit out by the first train this morning?” He leaned back, spreading himself farther across the seat, as if dilated by the joyful sense of his own discernment. “How on earth could Judy think you would do such a thing? I could have told her you’d never put up with such a little milksop!”
"A lot of money? Oh wow—you can’t be talking about Gryce, right? You are? Oh no, I won’t say a word—you can count on me to keep it to myself—but Gryce—goodness, GRYCE! Did Judy really think you could marry that pompous little fool? But you couldn’t, right? So you dumped him, and that’s why he took off on the first train this morning?” He leaned back, stretching out more across the seat, as if feeling proud of his own insight. “How could Judy even think you’d do something like that? I could have told her you’d never put up with such a weakling!”
Lily sighed more deeply. “I sometimes think,” she murmured, “that men understand a woman’s motives better than other women do.”
Lily sighed more heavily. “I sometimes think,” she said quietly, “that men understand a woman’s motives better than other women do.”
“Some men—I’m certain of it! I could have TOLD Judy,” he repeated, exulting in the implied superiority over his wife.
“Some men—I know it for sure! I could have TOLD Judy,” he said again, relishing the suggested superiority over his wife.
“I thought you would understand; that’s why I wanted to speak to you,” Miss Bart rejoined. “I can’t make that kind of marriage; it’s impossible. But neither can I go on living as all the women in my set do. I am almost entirely dependent on my aunt, and though she is very kind to me she makes me no regular allowance, and lately I’ve lost money at cards, and I don’t dare tell her about it. I have paid my card debts, of course, but there is hardly anything left for my other expenses, and if I go on with my present life I shall be in horrible difficulties. I have a tiny income of my own, but I’m afraid it’s badly invested, for it seems to bring in less every year, and I am so ignorant of money matters that I don’t know if my aunt’s agent, who looks after it, is a good adviser.” She paused a moment, and added in a lighter tone: “I didn’t mean to bore you with all this, but I want your help in making Judy understand that I can’t, at present, go on living as one must live among you all. I am going away tomorrow to join my aunt at Richfield, and I shall stay there for the rest of the autumn, and dismiss my maid and learn how to mend my own clothes.”
“I thought you would get it; that’s why I wanted to talk to you,” Miss Bart said. “I can’t have that kind of marriage; it’s impossible. But I also can’t keep living like all the women in my circle. I’m almost entirely dependent on my aunt, and even though she’s really nice to me, she doesn’t give me a regular allowance. Recently, I lost some money playing cards, and I can’t bring myself to tell her about it. I've paid off my card debts, of course, but there’s hardly anything left for my other expenses, and if I continue living like this, I’ll be in serious trouble. I have a small income of my own, but I’m worried it’s not invested well, as it seems to bring in less every year. I’m so clueless about money matters that I don’t know if my aunt’s agent, who manages it, is a good advisor.” She paused for a moment and added in a lighter tone, “I didn’t mean to bore you with all of this, but I need your help to make Judy understand that I can’t, right now, keep living like everyone else. I’m leaving tomorrow to join my aunt at Richfield, and I’ll stay there for the rest of the autumn, and I plan to let go of my maid and learn how to mend my own clothes.”
At this picture of loveliness in distress, the pathos of which was heightened by the light touch with which it was drawn, a murmur of indignant sympathy broke from Trenor. Twenty-four hours earlier, if his wife had consulted him on the subject of Miss Bart’s future, he would have said that a girl with extravagant tastes and no money had better marry the first rich man she could get; but with the subject of discussion at his side, turning to him for sympathy, making him feel that he understood her better than her dearest friends, and confirming the assurance by the appeal of her exquisite nearness, he was ready to swear that such a marriage was a desecration, and that, as a man of honour, he was bound to do all he could to protect her from the results of her disinterestedness. This impulse was reinforced by the reflection that if she had married Gryce she would have been surrounded by flattery and approval, whereas, having refused to sacrifice herself to expediency, she was left to bear the whole cost of her resistance. Hang it, if he could find a way out of such difficulties for a professional sponge like Carry Fisher, who was simply a mental habit corresponding to the physical titillations of the cigarette or the cock-tail, he could surely do as much for a girl who appealed to his highest sympathies, and who brought her troubles to him with the trustfulness of a child.
At the sight of this beautiful yet troubled scene, which felt even more touching due to its delicate portrayal, Trenor let out a murmur of angry sympathy. Just twenty-four hours before, if his wife had asked him about Miss Bart's future, he would have said that a girl with expensive tastes and no money should marry the first rich guy she could find. But now, with the very subject of that discussion sitting next to him, looking to him for support, making him feel like he understood her better than her closest friends, and reinforcing that connection with her appealing closeness, he was ready to declare that such a marriage would be wrong, and that, as a man of honor, he had to do everything he could to protect her from the consequences of her selflessness. This feeling was strengthened by the thought that if she had married Gryce, she would have been surrounded by praise and approval, but since she refused to sacrifice herself for convenience, she had to bear the full weight of her defiance alone. If he could find a way out of such troubles for someone like Carry Fisher, who was merely a mental distraction similar to the fleeting joy of a cigarette or a cocktail, then surely he could do at least as much for a girl who reached out to him with genuine trust, appealing to his deepest sympathies.
Trenor and Miss Bart prolonged their drive till long after sunset; and before it was over he had tried, with some show of success, to prove to her that, if she would only trust him, he could make a handsome sum of money for her without endangering the small amount she possessed. She was too genuinely ignorant of the manipulations of the stock-market to understand his technical explanations, or even perhaps to perceive that certain points in them were slurred; the haziness enveloping the transaction served as a veil for her embarrassment, and through the general blur her hopes dilated like lamps in a fog. She understood only that her modest investments were to be mysteriously multiplied without risk to herself; and the assurance that this miracle would take place within a short time, that there would be no tedious interval for suspense and reaction, relieved her of her lingering scruples.
Trenor and Miss Bart extended their drive long after the sun had set; by the time it ended, he had somewhat successfully convinced her that if she would just trust him, he could make her a nice amount of money without putting her modest savings at risk. She was too genuinely unaware of how the stock market worked to grasp his technical explanations or even to notice that certain parts of them were glossed over; the confusion surrounding the transaction acted as a cover for her unease, and through the overall fog, her hopes brightened like lights in the mist. She only understood that her small investments would be mysteriously increased without any risk to herself; and the promise that this miracle would happen soon, with no long wait for anxiety or fallout, eased her lingering doubts.
Again she felt the lightening of her load, and with it the release of repressed activities. Her immediate worries conjured, it was easy to resolve that she would never again find herself in such straits, and as the need of economy and self-denial receded from her foreground she felt herself ready to meet any other demand which life might make. Even the immediate one of letting Trenor, as they drove homeward, lean a little nearer and rest his hand reassuringly on hers, cost her only a momentary shiver of reluctance. It was part of the game to make him feel that her appeal had been an uncalculated impulse, provoked by the liking he inspired; and the renewed sense of power in handling men, while it consoled her wounded vanity, helped also to obscure the thought of the claim at which his manner hinted. He was a coarse dull man who, under all his show of authority, was a mere supernumerary in the costly show for which his money paid: surely, to a clever girl, it would be easy to hold him by his vanity, and so keep the obligation on his side.
Once again, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders, along with a release of all the things she'd held back. With her immediate worries in mind, it became clear to her that she would never let herself get into such a situation again. As the need for careful budgeting and self-denial faded from her thoughts, she felt ready to tackle any other challenges life might throw her way. Even the simple act of allowing Trenor to lean a little closer as they drove home and rest his hand comfortingly on hers required only a brief moment of hesitation. It was part of the game to make him believe her appeal had been a spontaneous reaction sparked by his charm; and the renewed feeling of control over men not only soothed her bruised pride but also helped her ignore the unspoken expectations hinted at by his behavior. He was a rough, simple man who, beneath all his pretenses of authority, was just an extra in the expensive drama that his money funded: surely, for a clever girl, it would be easy to keep him tied to her by his vanity, ensuring that the obligation remained on his side.
Chapter 8
The first thousand dollar cheque which Lily received with a blotted scrawl from Gus Trenor strengthened her self-confidence in the exact degree to which it effaced her debts.
The first thousand-dollar check that Lily got, with a messy signature from Gus Trenor, boosted her self-confidence in the exact amount that it wiped out her debts.
The transaction had justified itself by its results: she saw now how absurd it would have been to let any primitive scruple deprive her of this easy means of appeasing her creditors. Lily felt really virtuous as she dispensed the sum in sops to her tradesmen, and the fact that a fresh order accompanied each payment did not lessen her sense of disinterestedness. How many women, in her place, would have given the orders without making the payment!
The transaction had proven its worth by its outcomes: she now realized how ridiculous it would have been to let any outdated sense of morality stop her from using this simple way to satisfy her creditors. Lily felt genuinely good about herself as she handed out the money to her suppliers, and the fact that a new order came with each payment only added to her feeling of selflessness. How many women in her situation would have placed the orders without making the payment!
She had found it reassuringly easy to keep Trenor in a good humour. To listen to his stories, to receive his confidences and laugh at his jokes, seemed for the moment all that was required of her, and the complacency with which her hostess regarded these attentions freed them of the least hint of ambiguity. Mrs. Trenor evidently assumed that Lily’s growing intimacy with her husband was simply an indirect way of returning her own kindness.
She found it reassuringly easy to keep Trenor in a good mood. Listening to his stories, accepting his confidences, and laughing at his jokes seemed to be all that was expected of her for now, and the satisfaction with which her hostess viewed these attentions removed any hint of ambiguity. Mrs. Trenor clearly thought that Lily’s growing closeness with her husband was just a way of showing appreciation for her own kindness.
“I’m so glad you and Gus have become such good friends,” she said approvingly. “It’s too delightful of you to be so nice to him, and put up with all his tiresome stories. I know what they are, because I had to listen to them when we were engaged—I’m sure he is telling the same ones still. And now I shan’t always have to be asking Carry Fisher here to keep him in a good humour. She’s a perfect vulture, you know; and she hasn’t the least moral sense. She is always getting Gus to speculate for her, and I’m sure she never pays when she loses.”
“I’m really glad you and Gus have become such good friends,” she said approvingly. “It’s so kind of you to be nice to him and put up with all his boring stories. I know what they are because I had to listen to them when we were engaged—I’m sure he’s still telling the same ones. And now I won’t always have to ask Carry Fisher to keep him in a good mood. She’s a total opportunist, you know; and she doesn’t have the slightest moral compass. She’s always getting Gus to bet for her, and I’m sure she never pays up when she loses.”
Miss Bart could shudder at this state of things without the embarrassment of a personal application. Her own position was surely quite different. There could be no question of her not paying when she lost, since Trenor had assured her that she was certain not to lose. In sending her the cheque he had explained that he had made five thousand for her out of Rosedale’s “tip,” and had put four thousand back in the same venture, as there was the promise of another “big rise”; she understood therefore that he was now speculating with her own money, and that she consequently owed him no more than the gratitude which such a trifling service demanded. She vaguely supposed that, to raise the first sum, he had borrowed on her securities; but this was a point over which her curiosity did not linger. It was concentrated, for the moment, on the probable date of the next “big rise.”
Miss Bart could shudder at this situation without feeling personally embarrassed. Her own position was definitely different. There was no doubt about her needing to pay when she lost, since Trenor had assured her she was not going to lose. When he sent her the check, he explained that he had made five thousand for her from Rosedale’s “tip” and had put four thousand back into the same investment, as there was the promise of another “big rise.” She understood that he was now speculating with her own money, so she only owed him a small amount of gratitude for such a minor service. She vaguely thought that to raise the initial sum, he must have borrowed against her securities; but that wasn't something she lingered on. Her curiosity was focused, for now, on when the next “big rise” would happen.
The news of this event was received by her some weeks later, on the occasion of Jack Stepney’s marriage to Miss Van Osburgh. As a cousin of the bridegroom, Miss Bart had been asked to act as bridesmaid; but she had declined on the plea that, since she was much taller than the other attendant virgins, her presence might mar the symmetry of the group. The truth was, she had attended too many brides to the altar: when next seen there she meant to be the chief figure in the ceremony. She knew the pleasantries made at the expense of young girls who have been too long before the public, and she was resolved to avoid such assumptions of youthfulness as might lead people to think her older than she really was.
The news of this event reached her a few weeks later, during Jack Stepney’s wedding to Miss Van Osburgh. As a cousin of the groom, Miss Bart was asked to be a bridesmaid, but she declined, saying that her height compared to the other attendants might disrupt the overall look of the group. The real reason was that she had seen too many brides walk down the aisle: when she next appeared there, she intended to be the center of attention. She was aware of the jokes made about young women who had been in the spotlight for too long, and she was determined to steer clear of any attempts to appear youthful that might make people think she was older than she really was.
The Van Osburgh marriage was celebrated in the village church near the paternal estate on the Hudson. It was the “simple country wedding” to which guests are convoyed in special trains, and from which the hordes of the uninvited have to be fended off by the intervention of the police. While these sylvan rites were taking place, in a church packed with fashion and festooned with orchids, the representatives of the press were threading their way, note-book in hand, through the labyrinth of wedding presents, and the agent of a cinematograph syndicate was setting up his apparatus at the church door. It was the kind of scene in which Lily had often pictured herself as taking the principal part, and on this occasion the fact that she was once more merely a casual spectator, instead of the mystically veiled figure occupying the centre of attention, strengthened her resolve to assume the latter part before the year was over. The fact that her immediate anxieties were relieved did not blind her to a possibility of their recurrence; it merely gave her enough buoyancy to rise once more above her doubts and feel a renewed faith in her beauty, her power, and her general fitness to attract a brilliant destiny. It could not be that one conscious of such aptitudes for mastery and enjoyment was doomed to a perpetuity of failure; and her mistakes looked easily reparable in the light of her restored self-confidence.
The Van Osburgh wedding took place in the village church near the family estate on the Hudson. It was the “simple country wedding” where guests traveled in special trains, and the police had to keep the uninvited crowds at bay. While these rural ceremonies were happening, the church was crowded with fashionable guests and decorated with orchids, as journalists made their way through the maze of wedding gifts, and a film crew was setting up equipment at the church entrance. It was the kind of scene Lily had often imagined herself in as the main attraction, and this time, being just a casual observer instead of the focus of attention made her more determined to take on that role before the year ended. Though her immediate worries were eased, she remained aware that they could return; it only gave her enough lift to rise above her uncertainties and rekindle her belief in her beauty, charm, and suitability for an exciting future. Someone with such skills for success and enjoyment couldn't be destined for endless failure, and her past mistakes seemed easily fixable now that her self-confidence was restored.
A special appositeness was given to these reflections by the discovery, in a neighbouring pew, of the serious profile and neatly-trimmed beard of Mr. Percy Gryce. There was something almost bridal in his own aspect: his large white gardenia had a symbolic air that struck Lily as a good omen. After all, seen in an assemblage of his kind he was not ridiculous-looking: a friendly critic might have called his heaviness weighty, and he was at his best in the attitude of vacant passivity which brings out the oddities of the restless. She fancied he was the kind of man whose sentimental associations would be stirred by the conventional imagery of a wedding, and she pictured herself, in the seclusion of the Van Osburgh conservatories, playing skillfully upon sensibilities thus prepared for her touch. In fact, when she looked at the other women about her, and recalled the image she had brought away from her own glass, it did not seem as though any special skill would be needed to repair her blunder and bring him once more to her feet.
A special relevance was given to these thoughts by the sight of Mr. Percy Gryce’s serious profile and neatly trimmed beard in a nearby pew. There was something almost bridal about his appearance: his large white gardenia had a symbolic quality that Lily took as a good sign. After all, among his peers, he didn’t look ridiculous; a friendly observer might have described his bulk as substantial, and he was at his best in the pose of vacant passivity that highlights the quirks of the restless. She imagined he was the kind of man whose sentimental feelings would be stirred by the usual wedding imagery, and she envisioned herself, in the privacy of the Van Osburgh conservatories, skillfully playing on sensibilities primed for her influence. In fact, as she looked at the other women around her and remembered the image she had carried away from her own reflection, it didn’t seem like any special skill would be necessary to fix her mistake and bring him back to her.
The sight of Selden’s dark head, in a pew almost facing her, disturbed for a moment the balance of her complacency. The rise of her blood as their eyes met was succeeded by a contrary motion, a wave of resistance and withdrawal. She did not wish to see him again, not because she feared his influence, but because his presence always had the effect of cheapening her aspirations, of throwing her whole world out of focus. Besides, he was a living reminder of the worst mistake in her career, and the fact that he had been its cause did not soften her feelings toward him. She could still imagine an ideal state of existence in which, all else being superadded, intercourse with Selden might be the last touch of luxury; but in the world as it was, such a privilege was likely to cost more than it was worth.
The sight of Selden's dark head in a pew almost facing her disrupted her calm for a moment. When their eyes met, she felt a rush of blood, quickly followed by a wave of resistance and withdrawal. She didn't want to see him again, not because she was afraid of his influence, but because his presence always seemed to cheapen her ambitions and throw her entire world out of focus. Plus, he was a living reminder of the worst mistake in her career, and knowing that he was the cause didn’t make her feel any better toward him. She could still envision an ideal life where, with everything else taken into account, interacting with Selden could be the final touch of luxury; but in the real world, that kind of privilege was probably more trouble than it was worth.
“Lily, dear, I never saw you look so lovely! You look as if something delightful had just happened to you!”
“Lily, darling, I’ve never seen you look so beautiful! It’s like something wonderful just happened to you!”
The young lady who thus formulated her admiration of her brilliant friend did not, in her own person, suggest such happy possibilities. Miss Gertrude Farish, in fact, typified the mediocre and the ineffectual. If there were compensating qualities in her wide frank glance and the freshness of her smile, these were qualities which only the sympathetic observer would perceive before noticing that her eyes were of a workaday grey and her lips without haunting curves. Lily’s own view of her wavered between pity for her limitations and impatience at her cheerful acceptance of them. To Miss Bart, as to her mother, acquiescence in dinginess was evidence of stupidity; and there were moments when, in the consciousness of her own power to look and to be so exactly what the occasion required, she almost felt that other girls were plain and inferior from choice. Certainly no one need have confessed such acquiescence in her lot as was revealed in the “useful” colour of Gerty Farish’s gown and the subdued lines of her hat: it is almost as stupid to let your clothes betray that you know you are ugly as to have them proclaim that you think you are beautiful.
The young woman who expressed her admiration for her brilliant friend didn’t quite reflect those happy possibilities herself. Miss Gertrude Farish really embodied the average and the ineffective. If there were redeeming qualities in her open gaze and the freshness of her smile, these were traits that only a sympathetic observer would notice before realizing that her eyes were a plain shade of grey and her lips lacked definition. Lily’s perception of her fluctuated between pity for her shortcomings and frustration at her cheerful acceptance of them. For Miss Bart, just like her mother, accepting mediocrity was a sign of foolishness; and there were times when, aware of her own ability to look and be exactly what the situation required, she almost believed that other girls were plain and inferior by choice. Certainly, no one needed to acknowledge the resignation to her circumstances that was evident in the “practical” color of Gerty Farish’s dress and the understated lines of her hat: it’s almost as foolish to let your clothes reveal that you know you’re unattractive as it is to have them shout that you think you’re beautiful.
Of course, being fatally poor and dingy, it was wise of Gerty to have taken up philanthropy and symphony concerts; but there was something irritating in her assumption that existence yielded no higher pleasures, and that one might get as much interest and excitement out of life in a cramped flat as in the splendours of the Van Osburgh establishment. Today, however, her chirping enthusiasms did not irritate Lily. They seemed only to throw her own exceptionalness into becoming relief, and give a soaring vastness to her scheme of life.
Of course, being extremely poor and shabby, it was smart of Gerty to get involved in philanthropy and symphony concerts; but there was something annoying about her belief that life didn't offer any greater pleasures, and that you could find just as much interest and excitement in a small apartment as you could in the lavish Van Osburgh home. However, today, Gerty's cheerful enthusiasm didn’t bother Lily. It only highlighted her own uniqueness and added a grand sense of purpose to her view of life.
“Do let us go and take a peep at the presents before everyone else leaves the dining-room!” suggested Miss Farish, linking her arm in her friend’s. It was characteristic of her to take a sentimental and unenvious interest in all the details of a wedding: she was the kind of person who always kept her handkerchief out during the service, and departed clutching a box of wedding-cake.
“Come on, let’s sneak a peek at the gifts before everyone else leaves the dining room!” suggested Miss Farish, linking her arm with her friend’s. It was typical of her to take a sentimental and non-jealous interest in all the details of a wedding: she was the type who always had her handkerchief out during the ceremony and left clutching a box of wedding cake.
“Isn’t everything beautifully done?” she pursued, as they entered the distant drawing-room assigned to the display of Miss Van Osburgh’s bridal spoils. “I always say no one does things better than cousin Grace! Did you ever taste anything more delicious than that MOUSSE of lobster with champagne sauce? I made up my mind weeks ago that I wouldn’t miss this wedding, and just fancy how delightfully it all came about. When Lawrence Selden heard I was coming, he insisted on fetching me himself and driving me to the station, and when we go back this evening I am to dine with him at Sherry’s. I really feel as excited as if I were getting married myself!”
“Isn’t everything beautifully done?” she continued, as they entered the distant drawing room set up for Miss Van Osburgh’s wedding gifts. “I always say no one does things better than cousin Grace! Have you ever tasted anything more delicious than that lobster mousse with champagne sauce? I decided weeks ago that I wouldn’t miss this wedding, and just imagine how wonderfully everything turned out. When Lawrence Selden heard I was coming, he insisted on picking me up himself and driving me to the station, and when we go back this evening, I’m supposed to have dinner with him at Sherry’s. I really feel as excited as if I were getting married myself!”
Lily smiled: she knew that Selden had always been kind to his dull cousin, and she had sometimes wondered why he wasted so much time in such an unremunerative manner; but now the thought gave her a vague pleasure.
Lily smiled; she knew that Selden had always been nice to his boring cousin, and she had occasionally wondered why he spent so much time in such an unproductive way. But now, the thought brought her a subtle sense of happiness.
“Do you see him often?” she asked.
“Do you see him a lot?” she asked.
“Yes; he is very good about dropping in on Sundays. And now and then we do a play together; but lately I haven’t seen much of him. He doesn’t look well, and he seems nervous and unsettled. The dear fellow! I do wish he would marry some nice girl. I told him so today, but he said he didn’t care for the really nice ones, and the other kind didn’t care for him—but that was just his joke, of course. He could never marry a girl who WASN’T nice. Oh, my dear, did you ever see such pearls?”
“Yes; he’s really good about stopping by on Sundays. And every now and then we do a play together; but lately I haven’t seen much of him. He doesn’t look well, and he seems anxious and off. The poor guy! I really wish he would marry a nice girl. I told him that today, but he said he wasn’t interested in the genuinely nice ones, and the other types weren’t interested in him—but of course, that was just his joke. He could never marry a girl who wasn’t nice. Oh, my dear, have you ever seen such pearls?”
They had paused before the table on which the bride’s jewels were displayed, and Lily’s heart gave an envious throb as she caught the refraction of light from their surfaces—the milky gleam of perfectly matched pearls, the flash of rubies relieved against contrasting velvet, the intense blue rays of sapphires kindled into light by surrounding diamonds: all these precious tints enhanced and deepened by the varied art of their setting. The glow of the stones warmed Lily’s veins like wine. More completely than any other expression of wealth they symbolized the life she longed to lead, the life of fastidious aloofness and refinement in which every detail should have the finish of a jewel, and the whole form a harmonious setting to her own jewel-like rareness.
They had stopped in front of the table showcasing the bride’s jewelry, and Lily felt a pang of envy as she noticed the way light reflected off their surfaces—the creamy shine of perfectly matched pearls, the sparkle of rubies against rich velvet, the vibrant blue of sapphires lit up by surrounding diamonds: all these precious colors made more vivid by the artful way they were set. The glow of the stones stirred something warm within Lily, like wine. More than any other display of wealth, they represented the life she wished to live, one of careful elegance and refinement where every detail would have the polish of a gem, and the whole would form a beautiful backdrop for her own rare beauty.
“Oh, Lily, do look at this diamond pendant—it’s as big as a dinner-plate! Who can have given it?” Miss Farish bent short-sightedly over the accompanying card. “MR. SIMON ROSEDALE. What, that horrid man? Oh, yes—I remember he’s a friend of Jack’s, and I suppose cousin Grace had to ask him here today; but she must rather hate having to let Gwen accept such a present from him.”
“Oh, Lily, check out this diamond pendant—it’s as big as a dinner plate! Who could have given it?” Miss Farish squinted at the card that came with it. “MR. SIMON ROSEDALE. What, that awful guy? Oh, right—I remember he’s a friend of Jack’s, and I guess cousin Grace had to invite him today; but she must really hate letting Gwen accept a gift like this from him.”
Lily smiled. She doubted Mrs. Van Osburgh’s reluctance, but was aware of Miss Farish’s habit of ascribing her own delicacies of feeling to the persons least likely to be encumbered by them.
Lily smiled. She wasn't convinced by Mrs. Van Osburgh’s hesitation, but she knew that Miss Farish had a tendency to project her own sensitivities onto people who were least likely to have them.
“Well, if Gwen doesn’t care to be seen wearing it she can always exchange it for something else,” she remarked.
“Well, if Gwen doesn’t want to be seen wearing it, she can always trade it in for something else,” she remarked.
“Ah, here is something so much prettier,” Miss Farish continued. “Do look at this exquisite white sapphire. I’m sure the person who chose it must have taken particular pains. What is the name? Percy Gryce? Ah, then I’m not surprised!” She smiled significantly as she replaced the card. “Of course you’ve heard that he’s perfectly devoted to Evie Van Osburgh? Cousin Grace is so pleased about it—it’s quite a romance! He met her first at the George Dorsets’, only about six weeks ago, and it’s just the nicest possible marriage for dear Evie. Oh, I don’t mean the money—of course she has plenty of her own—but she’s such a quiet stay-at-home kind of girl, and it seems he has just the same tastes; so they are exactly suited to each other.”
“Ah, here’s something so much prettier,” Miss Farish continued. “Look at this beautiful white sapphire. I’m sure the person who chose it must have put a lot of effort into it. What’s the name? Percy Gryce? Ah, then I’m not surprised!” She smiled knowingly as she put the card back. “Of course you’ve heard that he’s totally devoted to Evie Van Osburgh? Cousin Grace is so happy about it—it’s quite a romance! He met her first at the George Dorsets’ only about six weeks ago, and it’s just the perfect marriage for dear Evie. Oh, I don’t mean the money—she has plenty of her own—but she’s such a quiet stay-at-home kind of girl, and it seems he has just the same tastes; so they’re exactly suited for each other.”
Lily stood staring vacantly at the white sapphire on its velvet bed. Evie Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce? The names rang derisively through her brain. EVIE VAN OSBURGH? The youngest, dumpiest, dullest of the four dull and dumpy daughters whom Mrs. Van Osburgh, with unsurpassed astuteness, had “placed” one by one in enviable niches of existence! Ah, lucky girls who grow up in the shelter of a mother’s love—a mother who knows how to contrive opportunities without conceding favours, how to take advantage of propinquity without allowing appetite to be dulled by habit! The cleverest girl may miscalculate where her own interests are concerned, may yield too much at one moment and withdraw too far at the next: it takes a mother’s unerring vigilance and foresight to land her daughters safely in the arms of wealth and suitability.
Lily stood staring blankly at the white sapphire on its velvet display. Evie Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce? The names echoed mockingly in her mind. EVIE VAN OSBURGH? The youngest, most awkward, and most boring of the four equally awkward and boring daughters that Mrs. Van Osburgh, with unmatched skill, had skillfully placed one by one in desirable positions in life! Ah, lucky girls who grow up under the care of a loving mother—a mother who knows how to create opportunities without giving favors, how to take advantage of close connections without letting desire fade into routine! Even the smartest girl can misjudge her own interests, giving in too much at one moment and pulling back too far the next: it takes a mother’s unerring watchfulness and foresight to safely land her daughters in the arms of wealth and the right match.
Lily’s passing light-heartedness sank beneath a renewed sense of failure. Life was too stupid, too blundering! Why should Percy Gryce’s millions be joined to another great fortune, why should this clumsy girl be put in possession of powers she would never know how to use?
Lily’s once carefree attitude was overshadowed by a fresh wave of failure. Life felt so foolish and clumsy! Why should Percy Gryce’s millions be combined with another massive fortune? Why should this awkward girl be given powers she would never know how to handle?
She was roused from these speculations by a familiar touch on her arm, and turning saw Gus Trenor beside her. She felt a thrill of vexation: what right had he to touch her? Luckily Gerty Farish had wandered off to the next table, and they were alone.
She was brought out of her thoughts by a familiar touch on her arm, and when she turned, she saw Gus Trenor next to her. A wave of annoyance washed over her: what right did he have to touch her? Fortunately, Gerty Farish had drifted over to the next table, leaving them alone.
Trenor, looking stouter than ever in his tight frock-coat, and unbecomingly flushed by the bridal libations, gazed at her with undisguised approval.
Trenor, appearing heavier than ever in his fitted coat, and unflatteringly blushing from the wedding drinks, stared at her with clear admiration.
“By Jove, Lily, you do look a stunner!” He had slipped insensibly into the use of her Christian name, and she had never found the right moment to correct him. Besides, in her set all the men and women called each other by their Christian names; it was only on Trenor’s lips that the familiar address had an unpleasant significance.
“Wow, Lily, you look amazing!” He had unknowingly started using her first name, and she never found the right moment to tell him to stop. Plus, in her social circle, everyone used first names with each other; it was only when Trenor used it that it felt uncomfortable.
“Well,” he continued, still jovially impervious to her annoyance, “have you made up your mind which of these little trinkets you mean to duplicate at Tiffany’s tomorrow? I’ve got a cheque for you in my pocket that will go a long way in that line!”
“Well,” he continued, still cheerfully unaffected by her annoyance, “have you decided which of these little trinkets you want to copy at Tiffany’s tomorrow? I’ve got a check for you in my pocket that will help a lot with that!”
Lily gave him a startled look: his voice was louder than usual, and the room was beginning to fill with people. But as her glance assured her that they were still beyond ear-shot a sense of pleasure replaced her apprehension.
Lily gave him a surprised look: his voice was louder than usual, and the room was starting to fill with people. But as her glance confirmed that they were still out of earshot, a feeling of joy replaced her worry.
“Another dividend?” she asked, smiling and drawing near him in the desire not to be overheard.
“Another dividend?” she asked, smiling and leaning closer to him, wanting to keep it private.
“Well, not exactly: I sold out on the rise and I’ve pulled off four thou’ for you. Not so bad for a beginner, eh? I suppose you’ll begin to think you’re a pretty knowing speculator. And perhaps you won’t think poor old Gus such an awful ass as some people do.”
“Well, not exactly: I sold out at the peak and I’ve made four grand for you. Not too shabby for a newbie, right? I guess you’ll start to feel like a pretty savvy investor. And maybe you won’t think poor old Gus is such a fool as some people do.”
“I think you the kindest of friends; but I can’t thank you properly now.”
“I think you’re the kindest friend; but I can’t thank you properly right now.”
She let her eyes shine into his with a look that made up for the hand-clasp he would have claimed if they had been alone—and how glad she was that they were not! The news filled her with the glow produced by a sudden cessation of physical pain. The world was not so stupid and blundering after all: now and then a stroke of luck came to the unluckiest. At the thought her spirits began to rise: it was characteristic of her that one trifling piece of good fortune should give wings to all her hopes. Instantly came the reflection that Percy Gryce was not irretrievably lost; and she smiled to think of the excitement of recapturing him from Evie Van Osburgh. What chance could such a simpleton have against her if she chose to exert herself? She glanced about, hoping to catch a glimpse of Gryce; but her eyes lit instead on the glossy countenance of Mr. Rosedale, who was slipping through the crowd with an air half obsequious, half obtrusive, as though, the moment his presence was recognized, it would swell to the dimensions of the room.
She let her eyes shine into his with a look that made up for the handshake he would have wanted if they had been alone—and she was so glad they weren't! The news filled her with the warm feeling that comes from suddenly being free of pain. The world wasn’t so foolish and clumsy after all: sometimes a bit of luck comes to the unluckiest. At that thought, her spirits began to lift: it was typical of her that one small piece of good fortune would inspire all her hopes. Instantly, it occurred to her that Percy Gryce was not completely lost; she smiled at the thought of the thrill of winning him back from Evie Van Osburgh. What chance did such a simpleton have against her if she decided to put in the effort? She looked around, hoping to spot Gryce; but instead, her eyes landed on the slick face of Mr. Rosedale, who was weaving through the crowd with a mix of submissiveness and showiness, as if the moment anyone recognized him, his presence would fill the entire room.
Not wishing to be the means of effecting this enlargement, Lily quickly transferred her glance to Trenor, to whom the expression of her gratitude seemed not to have brought the complete gratification she had meant it to give.
Not wanting to be the cause of this expansion, Lily quickly shifted her gaze to Trenor, who didn't seem to feel the full satisfaction she intended her gratitude to bring.
“Hang thanking me—I don’t want to be thanked, but I SHOULD like the chance to say two words to you now and then,” he grumbled. “I thought you were going to spend the whole autumn with us, and I’ve hardly laid eyes on you for the last month. Why can’t you come back to Bellomont this evening? We’re all alone, and Judy is as cross as two sticks. Do come and cheer a fellow up. If you say yes I’ll run you over in the motor, and you can telephone your maid to bring your traps from town by the next train.”
“Stop thanking me—I don’t want any thanks, but I’d really like the chance to say a few words to you every now and then,” he grumbled. “I thought you were going to spend the whole autumn with us, and I haven’t barely seen you in the last month. Why can’t you come back to Bellomont this evening? We’re all alone, and Judy is in a terrible mood. Please come and lift my spirits. If you say yes, I’ll drive you over in the car, and you can call your maid to send your stuff from town on the next train.”
Lily shook her head with a charming semblance of regret. “I wish I could—but it’s quite impossible. My aunt has come back to town, and I must be with her for the next few days.”
Lily shook her head with a cute look of regret. “I wish I could—but it’s just not possible. My aunt is back in town, and I need to be with her for the next few days.”
“Well, I’ve seen a good deal less of you since we’ve got to be such pals than I used to when you were Judy’s friend,” he continued with unconscious penetration.
“Well, I’ve noticed I’ve seen a lot less of you since we became such close friends than I did back when you were Judy’s friend,” he continued with an unintentional insight.
“When I was Judy’s friend? Am I not her friend still? Really, you say the most absurd things! If I were always at Bellomont you would tire of me much sooner than Judy—but come and see me at my aunt’s the next afternoon you are in town; then we can have a nice quiet talk, and you can tell me how I had better invest my fortune.”
“When I was Judy’s friend? Am I not her friend anymore? Honestly, you say the most ridiculous things! If I were always at Bellomont, you’d get tired of me way before you would with Judy—but come visit me at my aunt’s the next afternoon you’re in town; then we can have a nice, quiet talk, and you can tell me how I should invest my fortune.”
It was true that, during the last three or four weeks, she had absented herself from Bellomont on the pretext of having other visits to pay; but she now began to feel that the reckoning she had thus contrived to evade had rolled up interest in the interval.
It was true that, over the last three or four weeks, she had stayed away from Bellomont, claiming she had other visits to make; but she now started to realize that the toll she had managed to avoid had accumulated interest in the meantime.
The prospect of the nice quiet talk did not appear as all-sufficing to Trenor as she had hoped, and his brows continued to lower as he said: “Oh, I don’t know that I can promise you a fresh tip every day. But there’s one thing you might do for me; and that is, just to be a little civil to Rosedale. Judy has promised to ask him to dine when we get to town, but I can’t induce her to have him at Bellomont, and if you would let me bring him up now it would make a lot of difference. I don’t believe two women have spoken to him this afternoon, and I can tell you he’s a chap it pays to be decent to.”
The idea of a nice, quiet conversation didn’t seem as appealing to Trenor as she had hoped, and his expression grew more serious as he said, “Oh, I can’t promise you a new tip every day. But there’s one favor I’d like to ask: could you just be a little nice to Rosedale? Judy has agreed to invite him for dinner when we get to the city, but I can't get her to have him at Bellomont. If you would let me bring him up now, it would really make a difference. I don’t think two women have talked to him this afternoon, and I can tell you he’s a guy it’s worth being decent to.”
Miss Bart made an impatient movement, but suppressed the words which seemed about to accompany it. After all, this was an unexpectedly easy way of acquitting her debt; and had she not reasons of her own for wishing to be civil to Mr. Rosedale?
Miss Bart made an impatient gesture but held back the words that seemed ready to come out. After all, this was an unexpectedly easy way to settle her debt; and didn’t she have her own reasons for wanting to be polite to Mr. Rosedale?
“Oh, bring him by all means,” she said smiling; “perhaps I can get a tip out of him on my own account.”
“Oh, definitely bring him,” she said with a smile; “maybe I can get a tip from him for myself.”
Trenor paused abruptly, and his eyes fixed themselves on hers with a look which made her change colour.
Trenor suddenly stopped, and his eyes locked onto hers with a gaze that made her flush.
“I say, you know—you’ll please remember he’s a blooming bounder,” he said; and with a slight laugh she turned toward the open window near which they had been standing.
“I mean, you know—you should remember he’s a total jerk,” he said; and with a slight laugh, she turned toward the open window near where they had been standing.
The throng in the room had increased, and she felt a desire for space and fresh air. Both of these she found on the terrace, where only a few men were lingering over cigarettes and liqueur, while scattered couples strolled across the lawn to the autumn-tinted borders of the flower-garden.
The crowd in the room had grown, and she felt the need for some space and fresh air. She found both on the terrace, where only a few men were hanging out with their cigarettes and drinks, while a few couples walked across the lawn to the fall-colored edges of the flower garden.
As she emerged, a man moved toward her from the knot of smokers, and she found herself face to face with Selden. The stir of the pulses which his nearness always caused was increased by a slight sense of constraint. They had not met since their Sunday afternoon walk at Bellomont, and that episode was still so vivid to her that she could hardly believe him to be less conscious of it. But his greeting expressed no more than the satisfaction which every pretty woman expects to see reflected in masculine eyes; and the discovery, if distasteful to her vanity, was reassuring to her nerves. Between the relief of her escape from Trenor, and the vague apprehension of her meeting with Rosedale, it was pleasant to rest a moment on the sense of complete understanding which Lawrence Selden’s manner always conveyed.
As she stepped out, a man approached her from the group of smokers, and she found herself face to face with Selden. The rush of emotions that his presence always triggered was heightened by a hint of awkwardness. They hadn’t seen each other since their Sunday afternoon walk at Bellomont, and that event was still so fresh in her mind that she could hardly believe he didn’t feel the same way. But his greeting showed nothing more than the approval that every attractive woman expects to see reflected in a man’s eyes; and although the realization was somewhat irritating to her pride, it was comforting to her nerves. With the relief of having escaped Trenor and the uneasy anticipation of her encounter with Rosedale, it was nice to take a moment to enjoy the feeling of complete understanding that Lawrence Selden’s demeanor always communicated.
“This is luck,” he said smiling. “I was wondering if I should be able to have a word with you before the special snatches us away. I came with Gerty Farish, and promised not to let her miss the train, but I am sure she is still extracting sentimental solace from the wedding presents. She appears to regard their number and value as evidence of the disinterested affection of the contracting parties.”
“This is luck,” he said with a smile. “I was hoping to have a chance to talk to you before the event pulls us apart. I came with Gerty Farish and promised not to let her miss the train, but I’m sure she’s still getting emotional comfort from the wedding gifts. She seems to see how many there are and their worth as proof of the selfless love of the couple getting married.”
There was not the least trace of embarrassment in his voice, and as he spoke, leaning slightly against the jamb of the window, and letting his eyes rest on her in the frank enjoyment of her grace, she felt with a faint chill of regret that he had gone back without an effort to the footing on which they had stood before their last talk together. Her vanity was stung by the sight of his unscathed smile. She longed to be to him something more than a piece of sentient prettiness, a passing diversion to his eye and brain; and the longing betrayed itself in her reply.
There wasn't the slightest hint of embarrassment in his voice, and as he spoke, leaning slightly against the window frame and letting his eyes rest on her, clearly enjoying her beauty, she felt a faint chill of regret realizing he had easily returned to the way things were before their last conversation. His unaffected smile stung her vanity. She wished to be more than just a pretty face, a temporary distraction for him; and her yearning showed in her response.
“Ah,” she said, “I envy Gerty that power she has of dressing up with romance all our ugly and prosaic arrangements! I have never recovered my self-respect since you showed me how poor and unimportant my ambitions were.”
“Ah,” she said, “I envy Gerty for her ability to turn all our dull and ordinary plans into something romantic! I haven’t been able to regain my self-respect since you made me realize how small and insignificant my ambitions were.”
The words were hardly spoken when she realized their infelicity. It seemed to be her fate to appear at her worst to Selden.
The words were barely out of her mouth when she realized how inappropriate they were. It felt like her destiny to show her worst side to Selden.
“I thought, on the contrary,” he returned lightly, “that I had been the means of proving they were more important to you than anything else.”
“I thought, on the other hand,” he replied casually, “that I had shown you they mattered more to you than anything else.”
It was as if the eager current of her being had been checked by a sudden obstacle which drove it back upon itself. She looked at him helplessly, like a hurt or frightened child: this real self of hers, which he had the faculty of drawing out of the depths, was so little accustomed to go alone!
It was as if the eager flow of her spirit had been stopped by a sudden blockage that pushed it back onto itself. She looked at him helplessly, like a hurt or scared child: this true self of hers, which he had the ability to pull out from deep within, was not used to standing on its own!
The appeal of her helplessness touched in him, as it always did, a latent chord of inclination. It would have meant nothing to him to discover that his nearness made her more brilliant, but this glimpse of a twilight mood to which he alone had the clue seemed once more to set him in a world apart with her.
The way her helplessness affected him, as it always did, stirred a hidden desire within him. It wouldn’t have mattered to him to find out that being close to her made her shine even more, but this insight into a twilight state that only he understood once again made him feel like he was in a world solely with her.
“At least you can’t think worse things of me than you say!” she exclaimed with a trembling laugh; but before he could answer, the flow of comprehension between them was abruptly stayed by the reappearance of Gus Trenor, who advanced with Mr. Rosedale in his wake.
“At least you can’t think worse things about me than you say!” she exclaimed with a shaky laugh; but before he could respond, the understanding between them was suddenly interrupted by the return of Gus Trenor, who was followed by Mr. Rosedale.
“Hang it, Lily, I thought you’d given me the slip: Rosedale and I have been hunting all over for you!”
“Darn it, Lily, I thought you had slipped away from me: Rosedale and I have been searching everywhere for you!"
His voice had a note of conjugal familiarity: Miss Bart fancied she detected in Rosedale’s eye a twinkling perception of the fact, and the idea turned her dislike of him to repugnance.
His voice had a hint of marital familiarity: Miss Bart thought she noticed a glimmer of awareness in Rosedale’s eye, and the thought made her dislike for him turn into outright repulsion.
She returned his profound bow with a slight nod, made more disdainful by the sense of Selden’s surprise that she should number Rosedale among her acquaintances. Trenor had turned away, and his companion continued to stand before Miss Bart, alert and expectant, his lips parted in a smile at whatever she might be about to say, and his very back conscious of the privilege of being seen with her.
She responded to his deep bow with a slight nod, which seemed even more dismissive because of Selden’s surprise that she included Rosedale among her friends. Trenor had turned away, and his companion remained in front of Miss Bart, attentive and eager, his lips slightly parted in a smile at whatever she might say next, fully aware of the privilege of being seen with her.
It was the moment for tact; for the quick bridging over of gaps; but Selden still leaned against the window, a detached observer of the scene, and under the spell of his observation Lily felt herself powerless to exert her usual arts. The dread of Selden’s suspecting that there was any need for her to propitiate such a man as Rosedale checked the trivial phrases of politeness. Rosedale still stood before her in an expectant attitude, and she continued to face him in silence, her glance just level with his polished baldness. The look put the finishing touch to what her silence implied.
It was a moment for diplomacy; for quickly bridging the divide; but Selden still leaned against the window, a detached observer of the scene, and because of his gaze, Lily felt unable to use her usual charm. The fear that Selden might suspect she needed to win over someone like Rosedale held her back from saying anything trivial or polite. Rosedale remained in front of her, waiting expectantly, and she kept silent, her eyes just above his shiny bald head. The look completed what her silence communicated.
He reddened slowly, shifting from one foot to the other, fingered the plump black pearl in his tie, and gave a nervous twist to his moustache; then, running his eye over her, he drew back, and said, with a side-glance at Selden: “Upon my soul, I never saw a more ripping get-up. Is that the last creation of the dress-maker you go to see at the Benedick? If so, I wonder all the other women don’t go to her too!”
He gradually turned red, shifting from one foot to the other, fiddled with the plump black pearl on his tie, and nervously twisted his mustache. Then, looking her over, he pulled back and said, casting a glance at Selden, “Honestly, I’ve never seen a better outfit. Is that the latest design from the dressmaker you visit at the Benedick? If it is, I don’t understand why all the other women aren’t going to her too!”
The words were projected sharply against Lily’s silence, and she saw in a flash that her own act had given them their emphasis. In ordinary talk they might have passed unheeded; but following on her prolonged pause they acquired a special meaning. She felt, without looking, that Selden had immediately seized it, and would inevitably connect the allusion with her visit to himself. The consciousness increased her irritation against Rosedale, but also her feeling that now, if ever, was the moment to propitiate him, hateful as it was to do so in Selden’s presence.
The words cut through Lily's silence, and in an instant, she realized that her own actions had given them weight. In casual conversation, they might have gone unnoticed; but following her long pause, they took on a new significance. She sensed, without turning her head, that Selden had picked up on it instantly and would certainly link the reference to her visit with him. This awareness heightened her irritation toward Rosedale, but it also reinforced her belief that now, more than ever, was the time to placate him, no matter how much she loathed doing it in front of Selden.
“How do you know the other women don’t go to my dress-maker?” she returned. “You see I’m not afraid to give her address to my friends!”
“How do you know the other women aren’t going to my dressmaker?” she replied. “You see, I’m not afraid to share her address with my friends!”
Her glance and accent so plainly included Rosedale in this privileged circle that his small eyes puckered with gratification, and a knowing smile drew up his moustache.
Her look and accent clearly included Rosedale in this exclusive group, making his small eyes squint with pleasure, and a sly smile curled his mustache.
“By Jove, you needn’t be!” he declared. “You could give ’em the whole outfit and win at a canter!”
“By Jove, you don’t have to be!” he declared. “You could give them the whole setup and win easily!”
“Ah, that’s nice of you; and it would be nicer still if you would carry me off to a quiet corner, and get me a glass of lemonade or some innocent drink before we all have to rush for the train.”
“Ah, that’s really nice of you; and it would be even nicer if you could take me to a quiet spot and get me a glass of lemonade or some light drink before we all have to hurry to catch the train.”
She turned away as she spoke, letting him strut at her side through the gathering groups on the terrace, while every nerve in her throbbed with the consciousness of what Selden must have thought of the scene.
She turned away as she spoke, allowing him to walk confidently beside her through the groups gathering on the terrace, while every nerve in her body was aware of what Selden must have thought of the situation.
But under her angry sense of the perverseness of things, and the light surface of her talk with Rosedale, a third idea persisted: she did not mean to leave without an attempt to discover the truth about Percy Gryce. Chance, or perhaps his own resolve, had kept them apart since his hasty withdrawal from Bellomont; but Miss Bart was an expert in making the most of the unexpected, and the distasteful incidents of the last few minutes—the revelation to Selden of precisely that part of her life which she most wished him to ignore—increased her longing for shelter, for escape from such humiliating contingencies. Any definite situation would be more tolerable than this buffeting of chances, which kept her in an attitude of uneasy alertness toward every possibility of life.
But beneath her frustration with how things were going, and the casual conversation she had with Rosedale, another thought lingered: she didn’t intend to leave without trying to find out the truth about Percy Gryce. Fate, or maybe his own determination, had kept them apart since he rushed away from Bellomont; but Miss Bart was skilled at making the most of unexpected situations, and the unpleasant moments of the last few minutes—the revelation to Selden of exactly the part of her life she wanted him to overlook—intensified her desire for safety, for an escape from such embarrassing circumstances. Any clear situation would be better than this chaotic mix of uncertainties, which kept her on edge, waiting for any possibility that life might throw at her.
Indoors there was a general sense of dispersal in the air, as of an audience gathering itself up for departure after the principal actors had left the stage; but among the remaining groups, Lily could discover neither Gryce nor the youngest Miss Van Osburgh. That both should be missing struck her with foreboding; and she charmed Mr. Rosedale by proposing that they should make their way to the conservatories at the farther end of the house. There were just enough people left in the long suite of rooms to make their progress conspicuous, and Lily was aware of being followed by looks of amusement and interrogation, which glanced off as harmlessly from her indifference as from her companion’s self-satisfaction. She cared very little at that moment about being seen with Rosedale: all her thoughts were centred on the object of her search. The latter, however, was not discoverable in the conservatories, and Lily, oppressed by a sudden conviction of failure, was casting about for a way to rid herself of her now superfluous companion, when they came upon Mrs. Van Osburgh, flushed and exhausted, but beaming with the consciousness of duty performed.
Indoors, there was a general feeling of dispersal in the air, like an audience gathering itself up to leave after the main actors had exited the stage; but among the remaining groups, Lily couldn’t find Gryce or the youngest Miss Van Osburgh. The fact that both were missing made her uneasy, so she tried to charm Mr. Rosedale by suggesting they head to the conservatories at the far end of the house. There were just enough people left in the long suite of rooms to make their presence noticeable, and Lily felt the amused and questioning looks following her, which bounced off her indifference as harmlessly as they did her companion’s self-satisfaction. At that moment, she didn’t care much about being seen with Rosedale; her thoughts were focused solely on finding who she was looking for. However, they didn’t find anyone in the conservatories, and feeling a sudden sense of failure, Lily was trying to figure out how to get rid of her now unnecessary companion when they ran into Mrs. Van Osburgh, flushed and tired but glowing with the awareness of a job well done.
She glanced at them a moment with the benign but vacant eye of the tired hostess, to whom her guests have become mere whirling spots in a kaleidoscope of fatigue; then her attention became suddenly fixed, and she seized on Miss Bart with a confidential gesture. “My dear Lily, I haven’t had time for a word with you, and now I suppose you are just off. Have you seen Evie? She’s been looking everywhere for you: she wanted to tell you her little secret; but I daresay you have guessed it already. The engagement is not to be announced till next week—but you are such a friend of Mr. Gryce’s that they both wished you to be the first to know of their happiness.”
She looked at them for a moment with the kind of tired, vacant gaze that a worn-out hostess gets when her guests are just blurry spots in a swirl of exhaustion; then her focus sharpened, and she leaned in toward Miss Bart with a conspiratorial gesture. “My dear Lily, I haven’t had a chance to speak with you, and I assume you’re about to leave. Have you seen Evie? She’s been searching for you everywhere: she wanted to share her little secret with you, but I’m sure you’ve already guessed it. The engagement won’t be announced until next week—but since you’re such a good friend of Mr. Gryce’s, they both wanted you to be the first to know about their happiness.”
Chapter 9
In Mrs. Peniston’s youth, fashion had returned to town in October; therefore on the tenth day of the month the blinds of her Fifth Avenue residence were drawn up, and the eyes of the Dying Gladiator in bronze who occupied the drawing-room window resumed their survey of that deserted thoroughfare.
In Mrs. Peniston’s younger days, fashion made its return to the city in October; so on the tenth of the month, the blinds of her Fifth Avenue home were raised, and the eyes of the Dying Gladiator in bronze that stood in the drawing-room window began watching the empty street again.
The first two weeks after her return represented to Mrs. Peniston the domestic equivalent of a religious retreat. She “went through” the linen and blankets in the precise spirit of the penitent exploring the inner folds of conscience; she sought for moths as the stricken soul seeks for lurking infirmities. The topmost shelf of every closet was made to yield up its secret, cellar and coal-bin were probed to their darkest depths and, as a final stage in the lustral rites, the entire house was swathed in penitential white and deluged with expiatory soapsuds.
The first two weeks after her return felt to Mrs. Peniston like a domestic version of a religious retreat. She went through the linens and blankets with the same dedication as someone examining their conscience; she searched for moths just as a troubled soul looks for hidden flaws. Every closet was emptied to uncover its secrets, and the cellar and coal-bin were searched thoroughly. As a final step in her cleansing ritual, she draped the entire house in white and flooded it with soapy water for purification.
It was on this phase of the proceedings that Miss Bart entered on the afternoon of her return from the Van Osburgh wedding. The journey back to town had not been calculated to soothe her nerves. Though Evie Van Osburgh’s engagement was still officially a secret, it was one of which the innumerable intimate friends of the family were already possessed; and the trainful of returning guests buzzed with allusions and anticipations. Lily was acutely aware of her own part in this drama of innuendo: she knew the exact quality of the amusement the situation evoked. The crude forms in which her friends took their pleasure included a loud enjoyment of such complications: the zest of surprising destiny in the act of playing a practical joke. Lily knew well enough how to bear herself in difficult situations. She had, to a shade, the exact manner between victory and defeat: every insinuation was shed without an effort by the bright indifference of her manner. But she was beginning to feel the strain of the attitude; the reaction was more rapid, and she lapsed to a deeper self-disgust.
It was during this part of the proceedings that Miss Bart arrived on the afternoon after returning from the Van Osburgh wedding. The trip back to the city hadn’t exactly calmed her nerves. Although Evie Van Osburgh’s engagement was still officially a secret, many close friends of the family were already in the know; the train full of returning guests buzzed with hints and expectations. Lily was acutely aware of her role in this drama of insinuation: she understood exactly how entertaining the situation was to others. The blunt ways her friends found amusement included a loud enjoyment of such complications: the thrill of catching fate in the act of playing a prank. Lily knew how to handle herself in tough situations. She had, just right, the manner of someone straddling victory and defeat: every suggestion rolled off her like water off a duck’s back thanks to her bright indifference. But she was starting to feel the pressure of that facade; the reaction was quicker now, and she slipped into deeper self-loathing.
As was always the case with her, this moral repulsion found a physical outlet in a quickened distaste for her surroundings. She revolted from the complacent ugliness of Mrs. Peniston’s black walnut, from the slippery gloss of the vestibule tiles, and the mingled odour of sapolio and furniture-polish that met her at the door.
As was always the case with her, this moral disgust quickly turned into a strong dislike for her surroundings. She recoiled from the smug ugliness of Mrs. Peniston’s black walnut furniture, the slick shine of the hallway tiles, and the mixed scent of cleaning products and furniture polish that greeted her at the door.
The stairs were still carpetless, and on the way up to her room she was arrested on the landing by an encroaching tide of soapsuds. Gathering up her skirts, she drew aside with an impatient gesture; and as she did so she had the odd sensation of having already found herself in the same situation but in different surroundings. It seemed to her that she was again descending the staircase from Selden’s rooms; and looking down to remonstrate with the dispenser of the soapy flood, she found herself met by a lifted stare which had once before confronted her under similar circumstances. It was the char-woman of the Benedick who, resting on crimson elbows, examined her with the same unflinching curiosity, the same apparent reluctance to let her pass. On this occasion, however, Miss Bart was on her own ground.
The stairs were still bare, and as she made her way up to her room, she was stopped on the landing by a wave of soapsuds. Pulling up her skirts, she stepped aside with an impatient gesture; and as she did, she felt an odd sensation of having already experienced this moment in a different setting. It seemed to her that she was once again coming down the staircase from Selden's rooms; when she looked down to scold whoever was causing the soapy mess, she was met with a familiar gaze that had confronted her before in similar circumstances. It was the cleaning woman from the Benedick, who, resting on her crimson elbows, scrutinized her with the same unwavering curiosity and apparent reluctance to let her through. This time, however, Miss Bart was on her own territory.
“Don’t you see that I wish to go by? Please move your pail,” she said sharply.
“Don’t you see that I want to get through? Please move your bucket,” she said sharply.
The woman at first seemed not to hear; then, without a word of excuse, she pushed back her pail and dragged a wet floor-cloth across the landing, keeping her eyes fixed on Lily while the latter swept by. It was insufferable that Mrs. Peniston should have such creatures about the house; and Lily entered her room resolved that the woman should be dismissed that evening.
The woman initially appeared not to hear; then, without any apology, she moved her pail aside and pulled a wet floor cloth across the landing, keeping her eyes locked on Lily as she passed. It was unbearable that Mrs. Peniston had such people in the house; Lily entered her room determined to make sure the woman was let go that evening.
Mrs. Peniston, however, was at the moment inaccessible to remonstrance: since early morning she had been shut up with her maid, going over her furs, a process which formed the culminating episode in the drama of household renovation. In the evening also Lily found herself alone, for her aunt, who rarely dined out, had responded to the summons of a Van Alstyne cousin who was passing through town. The house, in its state of unnatural immaculateness and order, was as dreary as a tomb, and as Lily, turning from her brief repast between shrouded sideboards, wandered into the newly-uncovered glare of the drawing-room she felt as though she were buried alive in the stifling limits of Mrs. Peniston’s existence.
Mrs. Peniston, however, was currently not open to any objections: since early morning she had been locked away with her maid, sorting through her furs, a task that marked the high point in the drama of household renewal. In the evening, Lily also found herself alone because her aunt, who rarely dined out, had accepted an invitation from a Van Alstyne cousin passing through town. The house, in its unnatural cleanliness and order, felt as gloomy as a tomb, and as Lily, stepping away from her quick meal between covered sideboards, wandered into the stark brightness of the drawing-room, she felt as if she were buried alive within the stifling confines of Mrs. Peniston’s life.
She usually contrived to avoid being at home during the season of domestic renewal. On the present occasion, however, a variety of reasons had combined to bring her to town; and foremost among them was the fact that she had fewer invitations than usual for the autumn. She had so long been accustomed to pass from one country-house to another, till the close of the holidays brought her friends to town, that the unfilled gaps of time confronting her produced a sharp sense of waning popularity. It was as she had said to Selden—people were tired of her. They would welcome her in a new character, but as Miss Bart they knew her by heart. She knew herself by heart too, and was sick of the old story. There were moments when she longed blindly for anything different, anything strange, remote and untried; but the utmost reach of her imagination did not go beyond picturing her usual life in a new setting. She could not figure herself as anywhere but in a drawing-room, diffusing elegance as a flower sheds perfume.
She usually found a way to be away from home during the time of year when everyone was refreshing their lives. This time, though, a mix of reasons brought her back to the city, with the main one being that she had fewer invites than usual for the fall. She had become so used to moving from one country house to another until her friends returned to the city after the holidays that facing unoccupied moments made her feel a sharp loss of popularity. It was just like she told Selden—people were done with her. They would welcome her in a new role, but as Miss Bart, they knew her inside and out. She knew herself well too and was tired of the same old story. There were times when she blindly yearned for something different, something strange, far away, and untried; but the farthest her imagination could stretch was imagining her usual life in a different setting. She couldn’t see herself anywhere but in a drawing room, spreading elegance like a flower releases its fragrance.
Meanwhile, as October advanced she had to face the alternative of returning to the Trenors or joining her aunt in town. Even the desolating dulness of New York in October, and the soapy discomforts of Mrs. Peniston’s interior, seemed preferable to what might await her at Bellomont; and with an air of heroic devotion she announced her intention of remaining with her aunt till the holidays.
Meanwhile, as October went on, she had to decide between going back to the Trenors or joining her aunt in the city. Even the bleak boredom of New York in October, and the uncomfortable atmosphere of Mrs. Peniston’s home, felt better than what might be waiting for her at Bellomont; and with a sense of brave commitment, she declared her decision to stay with her aunt until the holidays.
Sacrifices of this nature are sometimes received with feelings as mixed as those which actuate them; and Mrs. Peniston remarked to her confidential maid that, if any of the family were to be with her at such a crisis (though for forty years she had been thought competent to see to the hanging of her own curtains), she would certainly have preferred Miss Grace to Miss Lily. Grace Stepney was an obscure cousin, of adaptable manners and vicarious interests, who “ran in” to sit with Mrs. Peniston when Lily dined out too continuously; who played bezique, picked up dropped stitches, read out the deaths from the Times, and sincerely admired the purple satin drawing-room curtains, the Dying Gladiator in the window, and the seven-by-five painting of Niagara which represented the one artistic excess of Mr. Peniston’s temperate career.
Sacrifices like this are often met with feelings as mixed as those that inspire them; and Mrs. Peniston told her trusted maid that, if any family member were to be there with her during such a time (even though she had been considered capable of handling her own curtains for forty years), she would definitely prefer Miss Grace over Miss Lily. Grace Stepney was a distant cousin, adaptable and interested in what others liked, who “dropped by” to keep Mrs. Peniston company when Lily was out to dinner too often; she played bezique, picked up dropped stitches, read out the obituaries from the Times, and genuinely admired the purple satin curtains in the drawing room, the Dying Gladiator in the window, and the seven-by-five painting of Niagara, which represented the one artistic indulgence of Mr. Peniston’s otherwise moderate lifestyle.
Mrs. Peniston, under ordinary circumstances, was as much bored by her excellent cousin as the recipient of such services usually is by the person who performs them. She greatly preferred the brilliant and unreliable Lily, who did not know one end of a crochet-needle from the other, and had frequently wounded her susceptibilities by suggesting that the drawing-room should be “done over.” But when it came to hunting for missing napkins, or helping to decide whether the backstairs needed re-carpeting, Grace’s judgment was certainly sounder than Lily’s: not to mention the fact that the latter resented the smell of beeswax and brown soap, and behaved as though she thought a house ought to keep clean of itself, without extraneous assistance.
Mrs. Peniston, under normal circumstances, was as bored by her excellent cousin as anyone usually is by the person doing them a favor. She much preferred the dazzling and unpredictable Lily, who couldn’t tell one end of a crochet hook from the other and often irritated her sensibilities by suggesting that the living room needed a makeover. But when it came to finding missing napkins or deciding whether the backstairs needed new carpet, Grace’s judgment was definitely better than Lily’s; not to mention that Lily disliked the smell of beeswax and brown soap and acted like a house should clean itself without any help.
Seated under the cheerless blaze of the drawing-room chandelier—Mrs. Peniston never lit the lamps unless there was “company”—Lily seemed to watch her own figure retreating down vistas of neutral-tinted dulness to a middle-age like Grace Stepney’s. When she ceased to amuse Judy Trenor and her friends she would have to fall back on amusing Mrs. Peniston; whichever way she looked she saw only a future of servitude to the whims of others, never the possibility of asserting her own eager individuality.
Seated under the dull glow of the drawing-room chandelier—Mrs. Peniston never turned on the lights unless there were guests—Lily seemed to watch her own image fading down endless paths of blandness toward a middle age similar to Grace Stepney’s. When she stopped entertaining Judy Trenor and her friends, she would have to rely on entertaining Mrs. Peniston; no matter where she looked, she only saw a future of servitude to other people's whims, and never the chance to express her own eager individuality.
A ring at the door-bell, sounding emphatically through the empty house, roused her suddenly to the extent of her boredom. It was as though all the weariness of the past months had culminated in the vacuity of that interminable evening. If only the ring meant a summons from the outer world—a token that she was still remembered and wanted!
A ring at the doorbell, loud and clear in the empty house, suddenly pulled her out of her boredom. It felt like all the exhaustion of the past months had built up to the emptiness of that endless evening. If only the ring meant someone was reaching out from the outside world—a sign that she was still remembered and needed!
After some delay a parlour-maid presented herself with the announcement that there was a person outside who was asking to see Miss Bart; and on Lily’s pressing for a more specific description, she added:
After a bit of a wait, a maid came in to say that someone was outside asking to see Miss Bart; and when Lily insisted on a more detailed description, she added:
“It’s Mrs. Haffen, Miss; she won’t say what she wants.”
“It’s Mrs. Haffen, miss; she won’t say what she needs.”
Lily, to whom the name conveyed nothing, opened the door upon a woman in a battered bonnet, who stood firmly planted under the hall-light. The glare of the unshaded gas shone familiarly on her pock-marked face and the reddish baldness visible through thin strands of straw-coloured hair. Lily looked at the char-woman in surprise.
Lily, who didn’t associate the name with anything, opened the door to find a woman in a worn-out bonnet, standing confidently under the bright hallway light. The harsh glow of the bare gas light illuminated her pockmarked face and the reddish bald spots visible through her thin, straw-colored hair. Lily stared at the cleaning woman in shock.
“Do you wish to see me?” she asked.
“Do you want to see me?” she asked.
“I should like to say a word to you, Miss.” The tone was neither aggressive nor conciliatory: it revealed nothing of the speaker’s errand. Nevertheless, some precautionary instinct warned Lily to withdraw beyond ear-shot of the hovering parlour-maid.
“I'd like to say something to you, Miss.” The tone was neither confrontational nor friendly: it didn't give away the speaker's purpose. Still, a cautionary instinct told Lily to step back out of earshot of the hovering maid.
She signed to Mrs. Haffen to follow her into the drawing-room, and closed the door when they had entered.
She signaled to Mrs. Haffen to follow her into the living room, and closed the door once they were inside.
“What is it that you wish?” she enquired.
“What do you want?” she asked.
The char-woman, after the manner of her kind, stood with her arms folded in her shawl. Unwinding the latter, she produced a small parcel wrapped in dirty newspaper.
The cleaning lady, like she usually did, stood with her arms crossed in her shawl. Unwrapping it, she pulled out a small bundle wrapped in a dirty newspaper.
“I have something here that you might like to see, Miss Bart.” She spoke the name with an unpleasant emphasis, as though her knowing it made a part of her reason for being there. To Lily the intonation sounded like a threat.
“I have something here that you might want to see, Miss Bart.” She said the name with a nasty emphasis, as if just knowing it was part of her reason for being there. To Lily, the tone felt like a threat.
“You have found something belonging to me?” she asked, extending her hand.
“You found something that belongs to me?” she asked, holding out her hand.
Mrs. Haffen drew back. “Well, if it comes to that, I guess it’s mine as much as anybody’s,” she returned.
Mrs. Haffen pulled back. “Well, if that’s the case, I suppose it’s mine just like it is for anyone else,” she replied.
Lily looked at her perplexedly. She was sure, now, that her visitor’s manner conveyed a threat; but, expert as she was in certain directions, there was nothing in her experience to prepare her for the exact significance of the present scene. She felt, however, that it must be ended as promptly as possible.
Lily looked at her in confusion. She was certain now that her visitor's attitude communicated a threat; however, despite being skilled in certain areas, she had no experience to help her understand the exact meaning of the current situation. She felt, nonetheless, that it needed to be resolved as quickly as possible.
“I don’t understand; if this parcel is not mine, why have you asked for me?”
“I don’t get it; if this package isn’t mine, why did you ask for me?”
The woman was unabashed by the question. She was evidently prepared to answer it, but like all her class she had to go a long way back to make a beginning, and it was only after a pause that she replied: “My husband was janitor to the Benedick till the first of the month; since then he can’t get nothing to do.”
The woman wasn't embarrassed by the question. She was clearly ready to answer, but like everyone from her background, she needed to take a step back before she could begin, and after a moment, she responded: “My husband was the janitor at the Benedick until the first of the month; since then, he hasn’t been able to find any work.”
Lily remained silent and she continued: “It wasn’t no fault of our own, neither: the agent had another man he wanted the place for, and we was put out, bag and baggage, just to suit his fancy. I had a long sickness last winter, and an operation that ate up all we’d put by; and it’s hard for me and the children, Haffen being so long out of a job.”
Lily stayed quiet and then continued, “It wasn’t our fault at all; the agent had another guy he wanted the place for, and we were kicked out, all our stuff included, just to satisfy his wishes. I had a long illness last winter and an operation that drained all our savings, and it’s tough for me and the kids, especially with Haffen being out of work for so long.”
After all, then, she had come only to ask Miss Bart to find a place for her husband; or, more probably, to seek the young lady’s intervention with Mrs. Peniston. Lily had such an air of always getting what she wanted that she was used to being appealed to as an intermediary, and, relieved of her vague apprehension, she took refuge in the conventional formula.
After all, she had only come to ask Miss Bart to find a spot for her husband; or, more likely, to get the young lady's help with Mrs. Peniston. Lily had such a knack for getting what she wanted that she was accustomed to being asked to mediate, and, feeling relieved of her vague worries, she fell back on the usual polite phrases.
“I am sorry you have been in trouble,” she said.
“I’m sorry you’ve been in trouble,” she said.
“Oh, that we have, Miss, and it’s on’y just beginning. If on’y we’d ’a got another situation—but the agent, he’s dead against us. It ain’t no fault of ours, neither, but——”
“Oh, we do have it, Miss, and it’s only just starting. If only we had gotten another job—but the agent is totally against us. It’s not our fault, either, but——”
At this point Lily’s impatience overcame her. “If you have anything to say to me——” she interposed.
At this point, Lily's impatience got the better of her. "If you have anything to say to me——" she interrupted.
The woman’s resentment of the rebuff seemed to spur her lagging ideas.
The woman’s bitterness from the rejection appeared to energize her struggling thoughts.
“Yes, Miss; I’m coming to that,” she said. She paused again, with her eyes on Lily, and then continued, in a tone of diffuse narrative: “When we was at the Benedick I had charge of some of the gentlemen’s rooms; leastways, I swep’ ’em out on Saturdays. Some of the gentlemen got the greatest sight of letters: I never saw the like of it. Their waste-paper baskets ’d be fairly brimming, and papers falling over on the floor. Maybe havin’ so many is how they get so careless. Some of ’em is worse than others. Mr. Selden, Mr. Lawrence Selden, he was always one of the carefullest: burnt his letters in winter, and tore ’em in little bits in summer. But sometimes he’d have so many he’d just bunch ’em together, the way the others did, and tear the lot through once—like this.”
“Yes, Miss; I’m getting to that,” she said. She paused again, her eyes on Lily, and then continued in a meandering tone: “When we were at the Benedick, I was in charge of some of the gentlemen’s rooms; at least, I cleaned them out on Saturdays. Some of the gentlemen received an incredible amount of letters: I’ve never seen anything like it. Their waste-paper baskets would be completely overflowing, and papers would spill onto the floor. Maybe having so many is why they become so careless. Some of them are worse than others. Mr. Selden, Mr. Lawrence Selden, he was always one of the most careful: he burned his letters in the winter and tore them into little bits in the summer. But sometimes he’d have so many that he’d just bunch them together the way the others did and tear the whole lot in half—like this.”
While she spoke she had loosened the string from the parcel in her hand, and now she drew forth a letter which she laid on the table between Miss Bart and herself. As she had said, the letter was torn in two; but with a rapid gesture she laid the torn edges together and smoothed out the page.
While she spoke, she had untied the string from the parcel in her hand, and now she pulled out a letter that she placed on the table between Miss Bart and herself. As she had mentioned, the letter was torn in two; but with a quick motion, she brought the torn edges together and smoothed out the page.
A wave of indignation swept over Lily. She felt herself in the presence of something vile, as yet but dimly conjectured—the kind of vileness of which people whispered, but which she had never thought of as touching her own life. She drew back with a motion of disgust, but her withdrawal was checked by a sudden discovery: under the glare of Mrs. Peniston’s chandelier she had recognized the hand-writing of the letter. It was a large disjointed hand, with a flourish of masculinity which but slightly disguised its rambling weakness, and the words, scrawled in heavy ink on pale-tinted notepaper, smote on Lily’s ear as though she had heard them spoken.
A wave of anger washed over Lily. She felt like she was facing something disgusting, something she had only guessed at before—the kind of nastiness that people talked about in hushed tones, but that she never thought would impact her own life. She pulled back in disgust, but then stopped short when she made a sudden realization: under the bright light of Mrs. Peniston’s chandelier, she recognized the handwriting on the letter. It was a large, awkward script, with a hint of masculinity that barely masked its rambling weakness, and the words, scrawled in dark ink on light-colored notepaper, hit Lily's ears as if she had heard them spoken aloud.
At first she did not grasp the full import of the situation. She understood only that before her lay a letter written by Bertha Dorset, and addressed, presumably, to Lawrence Selden. There was no date, but the blackness of the ink proved the writing to be comparatively recent. The packet in Mrs. Haffen’s hand doubtless contained more letters of the same kind—a dozen, Lily conjectured from its thickness. The letter before her was short, but its few words, which had leapt into her brain before she was conscious of reading them, told a long history—a history over which, for the last four years, the friends of the writer had smiled and shrugged, viewing it merely as one among the countless “good situations” of the mundane comedy. Now the other side presented itself to Lily, the volcanic nether side of the surface over which conjecture and innuendo glide so lightly till the first fissure turns their whisper to a shriek. Lily knew that there is nothing society resents so much as having given its protection to those who have not known how to profit by it: it is for having betrayed its connivance that the body social punishes the offender who is found out. And in this case there was no doubt of the issue. The code of Lily’s world decreed that a woman’s husband should be the only judge of her conduct: she was technically above suspicion while she had the shelter of his approval, or even of his indifference. But with a man of George Dorset’s temper there could be no thought of condonation—the possessor of his wife’s letters could overthrow with a touch the whole structure of her existence. And into what hands Bertha Dorset’s secret had been delivered! For a moment the irony of the coincidence tinged Lily’s disgust with a confused sense of triumph. But the disgust prevailed—all her instinctive resistances, of taste, of training, of blind inherited scruples, rose against the other feeling. Her strongest sense was one of personal contamination.
At first, she didn’t fully understand the significance of the situation. She only realized that in front of her was a letter written by Bertha Dorset, likely addressed to Lawrence Selden. There was no date, but the dark ink showed the writing was relatively recent. The packet in Mrs. Haffen’s hand probably contained more letters like this one—a dozen, Lily guessed, based on its thickness. The letter in front of her was short, but its few words had jumped into her mind before she even realized she was reading them, revealing a long story—a story that, for the last four years, the writer’s friends had just smiled and shrugged off, seeing it as just another one of the many “good situations” in life’s drama. Now the other side came into focus for Lily, the hidden chaos beneath the surface that speculation and gossip glide over so easily until cracks appear, turning whispers into screams. Lily understood that nothing makes society angrier than when it has protected someone who didn’t know how to take advantage of that protection: it’s for betraying its own complicity that society punishes those who get caught. In this case, the outcome was clear. The rules of Lily’s world stated that a woman’s husband should be the only judge of her behavior: as long as she had his approval, or even indifference, she was basically above suspicion. But with someone like George Dorset, there was no chance of forgiveness—the person holding his wife’s letters could easily dismantle her entire life. And just think of whose hands Bertha Dorset’s secret had ended up in! For a moment, the irony of the coincidence mixed Lily’s disgust with a confusing sense of triumph. But ultimately, disgust won out—her instinctual reactions, shaped by her upbringing and inherited scruples, came together against any other feeling. Her strongest emotion was a sense of personal contamination.
She moved away, as though to put as much distance as possible between herself and her visitor. “I know nothing of these letters,” she said; “I have no idea why you have brought them here.”
She stepped back, trying to create as much distance as she could from her visitor. “I don’t know anything about these letters,” she said; “I have no clue why you brought them here.”
Mrs. Haffen faced her steadily. “I’ll tell you why, Miss. I brought ’em to you to sell, because I ain’t got no other way of raising money, and if we don’t pay our rent by tomorrow night we’ll be put out. I never done anythin’ of the kind before, and if you’d speak to Mr. Selden or to Mr. Rosedale about getting Haffen taken on again at the Benedick—I seen you talking to Mr. Rosedale on the steps that day you come out of Mr. Selden’s rooms——”
Mrs. Haffen looked at her directly. “I’ll tell you why, Miss. I brought them to you to sell because I have no other way to make money, and if we don’t pay our rent by tomorrow night, we’ll be evicted. I’ve never done anything like this before, and if you could talk to Mr. Selden or Mr. Rosedale about getting Haffen rehired at the Benedick—I saw you talking to Mr. Rosedale on the steps that day you came out of Mr. Selden’s rooms——”
The blood rushed to Lily’s forehead. She understood now—Mrs. Haffen supposed her to be the writer of the letters. In the first leap of her anger she was about to ring and order the woman out; but an obscure impulse restrained her. The mention of Selden’s name had started a new train of thought. Bertha Dorset’s letters were nothing to her—they might go where the current of chance carried them! But Selden was inextricably involved in their fate. Men do not, at worst, suffer much from such exposure; and in this instance the flash of divination which had carried the meaning of the letters to Lily’s brain had revealed also that they were appeals—repeated and therefore probably unanswered—for the renewal of a tie which time had evidently relaxed. Nevertheless, the fact that the correspondence had been allowed to fall into strange hands would convict Selden of negligence in a matter where the world holds it least pardonable; and there were graver risks to consider where a man of Dorset’s ticklish balance was concerned.
Blood rushed to Lily’s forehead. She realized now—Mrs. Haffen thought she was the writer of the letters. In her initial burst of anger, she was about to ring for someone and have the woman thrown out; but an instinct held her back. The mention of Selden's name triggered a new line of thought. Bertha Dorset's letters meant nothing to her—they could go wherever fate decided! But Selden was deeply connected to their outcome. Men generally don’t suffer much from such exposure; and in this case, the sudden insight that had brought the meaning of the letters into Lily’s mind also revealed that they were pleas—repeated and likely unanswered—for the restoration of a bond that time had clearly weakened. Still, the fact that the correspondence had fallen into the hands of strangers would make Selden look negligent in a situation where society is least forgiving; and there were more serious risks to think about regarding a man like Dorset, whose emotions were so easily disturbed.
If she weighed all these things it was unconsciously: she was aware only of feeling that Selden would wish the letters rescued, and that therefore she must obtain possession of them. Beyond that her mind did not travel. She had, indeed, a quick vision of returning the packet to Bertha Dorset, and of the opportunities the restitution offered; but this thought lit up abysses from which she shrank back ashamed.
If she considered all these things, it was without realizing it: she only felt that Selden would want the letters saved, and that meant she had to get them. She didn’t think beyond that. She did have a fleeting thought about returning the package to Bertha Dorset and the chances that would come from it; but that thought opened up dark places she recoiled from, feeling embarrassed.
Meanwhile Mrs. Haffen, prompt to perceive her hesitation, had already opened the packet and ranged its contents on the table. All the letters had been pieced together with strips of thin paper. Some were in small fragments, the others merely torn in half. Though there were not many, thus spread out they nearly covered the table. Lily’s glance fell on a word here and there—then she said in a low voice: “What do you wish me to pay you?”
Meanwhile, Mrs. Haffen, quick to notice her hesitation, had already opened the packet and spread its contents on the table. All the letters had been put together with strips of thin paper. Some were in small pieces, while others were simply torn in half. Although there weren't many, when laid out like this, they nearly filled the table. Lily’s eyes caught a word here and there—then she said quietly, “What do you want me to pay you?”
Mrs. Haffen’s face reddened with satisfaction. It was clear that the young lady was badly frightened, and Mrs. Haffen was the woman to make the most of such fears. Anticipating an easier victory than she had foreseen, she named an exorbitant sum.
Mrs. Haffen's face flushed with satisfaction. It was obvious that the young woman was really scared, and Mrs. Haffen was just the person to take full advantage of those fears. Expecting an easier win than she had anticipated, she quoted an outrageous amount.
But Miss Bart showed herself a less ready prey than might have been expected from her imprudent opening. She refused to pay the price named, and after a moment’s hesitation, met it by a counter-offer of half the amount.
But Miss Bart proved to be a more challenging target than one might have anticipated from her rash start. She declined to pay the requested price and, after a brief pause, countered with an offer of half that amount.
Mrs. Haffen immediately stiffened. Her hand travelled toward the outspread letters, and folding them slowly, she made as though to restore them to their wrapping.
Mrs. Haffen immediately tensed up. Her hand moved toward the spread-out letters, and as she slowly folded them, it looked like she was going to put them back in their wrapper.
“I guess they’re worth more to you than to me, Miss, but the poor has got to live as well as the rich,” she observed sententiously.
“I guess they mean more to you than to me, Miss, but the poor have to live just like the rich,” she noted wisely.
Lily was throbbing with fear, but the insinuation fortified her resistance.
Lily was filled with fear, but the suggestion strengthened her resolve.
“You are mistaken,” she said indifferently. “I have offered all I am willing to give for the letters; but there may be other ways of getting them.”
“You're wrong,” she said without much interest. “I've given everything I'm willing to for the letters; but there might be other ways to get them.”
Mrs. Haffen raised a suspicious glance: she was too experienced not to know that the traffic she was engaged in had perils as great as its rewards, and she had a vision of the elaborate machinery of revenge which a word of this commanding young lady’s might set in motion.
Mrs. Haffen cast a wary look; she was too seasoned not to realize that the dealings she was involved in held risks as significant as their benefits, and she imagined the complex machinery of revenge that a single word from this powerful young woman could set in motion.
She applied the corner of her shawl to her eyes, and murmured through it that no good came of bearing too hard on the poor, but that for her part she had never been mixed up in such a business before, and that on her honour as a Christian all she and Haffen had thought of was that the letters mustn’t go any farther.
She pressed the corner of her shawl to her eyes and softly said through it that nothing good came from being too hard on the poor. She added that, as far as she was concerned, she had never been involved in anything like that before, and on her honor as a Christian, all she and Haffen had focused on was making sure the letters didn’t go any further.
Lily stood motionless, keeping between herself and the char-woman the greatest distance compatible with the need of speaking in low tones. The idea of bargaining for the letters was intolerable to her, but she knew that, if she appeared to weaken, Mrs. Haffen would at once increase her original demand.
Lily stood still, keeping as much distance as possible between herself and the cleaning woman while still being able to talk in hushed tones. The thought of negotiating for the letters was unbearable to her, but she was aware that if she showed any sign of backing down, Mrs. Haffen would quickly raise her initial request.
She could never afterward recall how long the duel lasted, or what was the decisive stroke which finally, after a lapse of time recorded in minutes by the clock, in hours by the precipitate beat of her pulses, put her in possession of the letters; she knew only that the door had finally closed, and that she stood alone with the packet in her hand.
She could never remember afterward how long the duel lasted or what the final blow was that, after what felt like both minutes according to the clock and hours from her racing heart, led her to have the letters. All she knew was that the door had finally closed, and she was left alone with the packet in her hand.
She had no idea of reading the letters; even to unfold Mrs. Haffen’s dirty newspaper would have seemed degrading. But what did she intend to do with its contents? The recipient of the letters had meant to destroy them, and it was her duty to carry out his intention. She had no right to keep them—to do so was to lessen whatever merit lay in having secured their possession. But how destroy them so effectually that there should be no second risk of their falling in such hands? Mrs. Peniston’s icy drawing-room grate shone with a forbidding lustre: the fire, like the lamps, was never lit except when there was company.
She had no intention of reading the letters; even unfolding Mrs. Haffen’s dirty newspaper felt beneath her. But what was she supposed to do with them? The person who received the letters meant to destroy them, and it was her responsibility to carry out that decision. She had no right to keep them—doing so would diminish any value in having obtained them. But how could she destroy them completely enough to ensure they wouldn’t end up in the wrong hands again? Mrs. Peniston’s cold drawing-room grate gleamed with a harsh shine: the fire, like the lamps, only got lit when there were guests.
Miss Bart was turning to carry the letters upstairs when she heard the opening of the outer door, and her aunt entered the drawing-room. Mrs. Peniston was a small plump woman, with a colourless skin lined with trivial wrinkles. Her grey hair was arranged with precision, and her clothes looked excessively new and yet slightly old-fashioned. They were always black and tightly fitting, with an expensive glitter: she was the kind of woman who wore jet at breakfast. Lily had never seen her when she was not cuirassed in shining black, with small tight boots, and an air of being packed and ready to start; yet she never started.
Miss Bart was turning to take the letters upstairs when she heard the outer door open, and her aunt walked into the drawing room. Mrs. Peniston was a short, plump woman with a colorless complexion marked by faint wrinkles. Her grey hair was neatly styled, and her clothes looked super new yet a bit old-fashioned. They were always black and fitted tightly, with an expensive shimmer: she was the type of woman who wore jet jewelry at breakfast. Lily had never seen her without her shining black attire, small fitted boots, and an impression of being all packed and ready to go; yet she never actually went anywhere.
She looked about the drawing-room with an expression of minute scrutiny. “I saw a streak of light under one of the blinds as I drove up: it’s extraordinary that I can never teach that woman to draw them down evenly.”
She scanned the living room with a look of close inspection. “I noticed a beam of light under one of the blinds when I pulled up: it’s amazing that I can never get that woman to lower them evenly.”
Having corrected the irregularity, she seated herself on one of the glossy purple arm-chairs; Mrs. Peniston always sat on a chair, never in it.
Having fixed the irregularity, she sat down in one of the shiny purple armchairs; Mrs. Peniston always sat on a chair, never in it.
Then she turned her glance to Miss Bart. “My dear, you look tired; I suppose it’s the excitement of the wedding. Cornelia Van Alstyne was full of it: Molly was there, and Gerty Farish ran in for a minute to tell us about it. I think it was odd, their serving melons before the CONSOMME: a wedding breakfast should always begin with CONSOMME. Molly didn’t care for the bridesmaids’ dresses. She had it straight from Julia Melson that they cost three hundred dollars apiece at Celeste’s, but she says they didn’t look it. I’m glad you decided not to be a bridesmaid; that shade of salmon-pink wouldn’t have suited you.” Mrs. Peniston delighted in discussing the minutest details of festivities in which she had not taken part. Nothing would have induced her to undergo the exertion and fatigue of attending the Van Osburgh wedding, but so great was her interest in the event that, having heard two versions of it, she now prepared to extract a third from her niece. Lily, however, had been deplorably careless in noting the particulars of the entertainment. She had failed to observe the colour of Mrs. Van Osburgh’s gown, and could not even say whether the old Van Osburgh Sevres had been used at the bride’s table: Mrs. Peniston, in short, found that she was of more service as a listener than as a narrator.
Then she glanced over at Miss Bart. “My dear, you look exhausted; I suppose it’s the excitement of the wedding. Cornelia Van Alstyne was all about it: Molly was there, and Gerty Farish stopped by for a moment to tell us about it. I think it was strange that they served melons before the CONSOMME: a wedding breakfast should always start with CONSOMME. Molly wasn’t a fan of the bridesmaids’ dresses. She heard straight from Julia Melson that they cost three hundred dollars each at Celeste’s, but she said they didn’t look it. I’m glad you chose not to be a bridesmaid; that shade of salmon-pink wouldn’t have worked for you.” Mrs. Peniston loved discussing the tiniest details of events she hadn’t attended. Nothing would have persuaded her to go through the effort and hassle of going to the Van Osburgh wedding, but her interest in the occasion was so strong that, having heard two versions of it, she now planned to get a third from her niece. Lily, however, had been disappointingly careless in remembering the specifics of the event. She hadn’t noticed the color of Mrs. Van Osburgh’s dress, and couldn’t even say whether the old Van Osburgh Sevres had been used at the bride’s table: Mrs. Peniston, in short, found that she was more useful as a listener than as a storyteller.
“Really, Lily, I don’t see why you took the trouble to go to the wedding, if you don’t remember what happened or whom you saw there. When I was a girl I used to keep the MENU of every dinner I went to, and write the names of the people on the back; and I never threw away my cotillion favours till after your uncle’s death, when it seemed unsuitable to have so many coloured things about the house. I had a whole closet-full, I remember; and I can tell to this day what balls I got them at. Molly Van Alstyne reminds me of what I was at that age; it’s wonderful how she notices. She was able to tell her mother exactly how the wedding-dress was cut, and we knew at once, from the fold in the back, that it must have come from Paquin.”
“Honestly, Lily, I don’t understand why you bothered to go to the wedding if you can’t remember what happened or who you saw there. When I was younger, I used to keep the MENU from every dinner I attended and wrote down the names of the people on the back. I didn’t throw away my cotillion favors until after your uncle passed away, when it felt inappropriate to have so many colorful things around the house. I had a whole closet full of them, I remember; and I can still tell you which balls I got them at. Molly Van Alstyne reminds me of who I was at that age; it’s amazing how observant she is. She could explain exactly how the wedding dress was designed, and we immediately recognized by the fold in the back that it must have come from Paquin.”
Mrs. Peniston rose abruptly, and, advancing to the ormolu clock surmounted by a helmeted Minerva, which throned on the chimney-piece between two malachite vases, passed her lace handkerchief between the helmet and its visor.
Mrs. Peniston stood up suddenly and walked over to the ornate clock topped by a helmeted Minerva, which sat on the mantelpiece between two malachite vases. She slipped her lace handkerchief between the helmet and its visor.
“I knew it—the parlour-maid never dusts there!” she exclaimed, triumphantly displaying a minute spot on the handkerchief; then, reseating herself, she went on: “Molly thought Mrs. Dorset the best-dressed woman at the wedding. I’ve no doubt her dress DID cost more than any one else’s, but I can’t quite like the idea—a combination of sable and POINT DE MILAN. It seems she goes to a new man in Paris, who won’t take an order till his client has spent a day with him at his villa at Neuilly. He says he must study his subject’s home life—a most peculiar arrangement, I should say! But Mrs. Dorset told Molly about it herself: she said the villa was full of the most exquisite things and she was really sorry to leave. Molly said she never saw her looking better; she was in tremendous spirits, and said she had made a match between Evie Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce. She really seems to have a very good influence on young men. I hear she is interesting herself now in that silly Silverton boy, who has had his head turned by Carry Fisher, and has been gambling so dreadfully. Well, as I was saying, Evie is really engaged: Mrs. Dorset had her to stay with Percy Gryce, and managed it all, and Grace Van Osburgh is in the seventh heaven—she had almost despaired of marrying Evie.”
“I knew it—the maid never dusts there!” she exclaimed, triumphantly showing a tiny spot on the handkerchief; then, sitting back down, she continued: “Molly thought Mrs. Dorset was the best-dressed woman at the wedding. I’m sure her dress DID cost more than anyone else’s, but I can’t quite get behind the idea—a mix of sable and POINT DE MILAN. It seems she goes to a new designer in Paris, who won’t take an order until his client spends a day with him at his villa in Neuilly. He says he needs to study his client’s home life—a really odd arrangement, I’d say! But Mrs. Dorset mentioned it to Molly herself: she said the villa was filled with the most exquisite things and she was really sad to leave. Molly said she’d never seen her looking better; she was in fantastic spirits and claimed she had made a match between Evie Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce. She really seems to have a positive influence on young men. I hear she’s now getting involved with that silly Silverton boy, who has been completely taken in by Carry Fisher and has been gambling so recklessly. Well, anyway, Evie is actually engaged: Mrs. Dorset had her stay with Percy Gryce and orchestrated the whole thing, and Grace Van Osburgh is over the moon—she’d nearly given up on marrying off Evie.”
Mrs. Peniston again paused, but this time her scrutiny addressed itself, not to the furniture, but to her niece.
Mrs. Peniston paused again, but this time her scrutiny focused not on the furniture, but on her niece.
“Cornelia Van Alstyne was so surprised: she had heard that you were to marry young Gryce. She saw the Wetheralls just after they had stopped with you at Bellomont, and Alice Wetherall was quite sure there was an engagement. She said that when Mr. Gryce left unexpectedly one morning, they all thought he had rushed to town for the ring.”
“Cornelia Van Alstyne was really surprised: she heard you were marrying young Gryce. She saw the Wetheralls right after they visited you at Bellomont, and Alice Wetherall was certain there was an engagement. She said that when Mr. Gryce left suddenly one morning, they all thought he rushed to town for the ring.”
Lily rose and moved toward the door.
Lily got up and walked over to the door.
“I believe I AM tired: I think I will go to bed,” she said; and Mrs. Peniston, suddenly distracted by the discovery that the easel sustaining the late Mr. Peniston’s crayon-portrait was not exactly in line with the sofa in front of it, presented an absent-minded brow to her kiss.
“I think I'm tired: I think I'll go to bed,” she said; and Mrs. Peniston, suddenly sidetracked by noticing that the easel holding the late Mr. Peniston’s crayon portrait was not perfectly aligned with the sofa in front of it, offered an absent-minded forehead for her kiss.
In her own room Lily turned up the gas-jet and glanced toward the grate. It was as brilliantly polished as the one below, but here at least she could burn a few papers with less risk of incurring her aunt’s disapproval. She made no immediate motion to do so, however, but dropping into a chair looked wearily about her. Her room was large and comfortably-furnished—it was the envy and admiration of poor Grace Stepney, who boarded; but, contrasted with the light tints and luxurious appointments of the guest-rooms where so many weeks of Lily’s existence were spent, it seemed as dreary as a prison. The monumental wardrobe and bedstead of black walnut had migrated from Mr. Peniston’s bedroom, and the magenta “flock” wall-paper, of a pattern dear to the early ’sixties, was hung with large steel engravings of an anecdotic character. Lily had tried to mitigate this charmless background by a few frivolous touches, in the shape of a lace-decked toilet table and a little painted desk surmounted by photographs; but the futility of the attempt struck her as she looked about the room. What a contrast to the subtle elegance of the setting she had pictured for herself—an apartment which should surpass the complicated luxury of her friends’ surroundings by the whole extent of that artistic sensibility which made her feel herself their superior; in which every tint and line should combine to enhance her beauty and give distinction to her leisure! Once more the haunting sense of physical ugliness was intensified by her mental depression, so that each piece of the offending furniture seemed to thrust forth its most aggressive angle.
In her room, Lily turned up the gas light and glanced toward the fireplace. It was just as highly polished as the one downstairs, but here at least she could burn a few papers with less risk of upsetting her aunt. She didn't make any immediate move to do so, though, and instead dropped into a chair, looking around wearily. Her room was large and comfortably furnished—it was the envy of poor Grace Stepney, who rented a room; but compared to the light colors and luxurious furnishings of the guest rooms where Lily spent so many weeks, it felt as dreary as a prison. The massive wardrobe and bed made of black walnut had been moved from Mr. Peniston’s bedroom, and the magenta “flock” wallpaper, with a pattern popular in the early ’60s, was adorned with large steel engravings depicting various anecdotes. Lily had tried to soften the charmless backdrop with a few playful touches, like a lace-covered vanity and a small painted desk topped with photographs; but as she looked around the room, she realized how futile that attempt was. What a contrast to the subtle elegance of the setting she had envisioned for herself—an apartment that would exceed the complex luxury of her friends’ environments with the full extent of the artistic sensibility that made her feel superior to them; where every color and line would work together to enhance her beauty and add distinction to her leisure! Once again, the nagging sense of physical ugliness was intensified by her mental state, making each piece of offending furniture seem to push its most unattractive angle toward her.
Her aunt’s words had told her nothing new; but they had revived the vision of Bertha Dorset, smiling, flattered, victorious, holding her up to ridicule by insinuations intelligible to every member of their little group. The thought of the ridicule struck deeper than any other sensation: Lily knew every turn of the allusive jargon which could flay its victims without the shedding of blood. Her cheek burned at the recollection, and she rose and caught up the letters. She no longer meant to destroy them: that intention had been effaced by the quick corrosion of Mrs. Peniston’s words.
Her aunt’s words didn’t tell her anything new; but they brought back the image of Bertha Dorset, smiling, flattered, victorious, mocking her with hints that everyone in their small group could understand. The thought of the mockery hit her harder than anything else: Lily was familiar with every twist of the allusive language that could humiliate its targets without any physical harm. Her face flushed at the memory, and she stood up and grabbed the letters. She no longer intended to destroy them; that idea had been wiped away by the rapid impact of Mrs. Peniston’s words.
Instead, she approached her desk, and lighting a taper, tied and sealed the packet; then she opened the wardrobe, drew out a despatch-box, and deposited the letters within it. As she did so, it struck her with a flash of irony that she was indebted to Gus Trenor for the means of buying them.
Instead, she walked over to her desk, lit a candle, tied up the packet, and sealed it; then she opened the wardrobe, took out a dispatch box, and put the letters inside it. As she did this, it hit her with a sense of irony that she owed Gus Trenor for the money to buy them.
Chapter 10
The autumn dragged on monotonously. Miss Bart had received one or two notes from Judy Trenor, reproaching her for not returning to Bellomont; but she replied evasively, alleging the obligation to remain with her aunt. In truth, however, she was fast wearying of her solitary existence with Mrs. Peniston, and only the excitement of spending her newly-acquired money lightened the dulness of the days.
The fall dragged on in a dull way. Miss Bart had gotten a couple of notes from Judy Trenor, scolding her for not coming back to Bellomont; but she answered vaguely, claiming she needed to stay with her aunt. The truth was, she was quickly getting tired of her lonely life with Mrs. Peniston, and only the thrill of spending her new money made the days feel a bit less boring.
All her life Lily had seen money go out as quickly as it came in, and whatever theories she cultivated as to the prudence of setting aside a part of her gains, she had unhappily no saving vision of the risks of the opposite course. It was a keen satisfaction to feel that, for a few months at least, she would be independent of her friends’ bounty, that she could show herself abroad without wondering whether some penetrating eye would detect in her dress the traces of Judy Trenor’s refurbished splendour. The fact that the money freed her temporarily from all minor obligations obscured her sense of the greater one it represented, and having never before known what it was to command so large a sum, she lingered delectably over the amusement of spending it.
All her life, Lily had watched money disappear as quickly as it came in. No matter how much she thought about the importance of saving a portion of her earnings, she unfortunately lacked the foresight to see the dangers of the opposite approach. It felt really satisfying to know that, at least for a few months, she wouldn't have to rely on her friends’ generosity. She could go out without worrying that someone would notice hints of Judy Trenor’s updated glamour in her outfit. The temporary relief from all her minor obligations made her overlook the bigger responsibility that came with that money, and since she had never before had access to such a large amount, she enjoyed the thrill of spending it.
It was on one of these occasions that, leaving a shop where she had spent an hour of deliberation over a dressing-case of the most complicated elegance, she ran across Miss Farish, who had entered the same establishment with the modest object of having her watch repaired. Lily was feeling unusually virtuous. She had decided to defer the purchase of the dressing-case till she should receive the bill for her new opera cloak, and the resolve made her feel much richer than when she had entered the shop. In this mood of self-approval she had a sympathetic eye for others, and she was struck by her friend’s air of dejection.
It was during one of these moments that, after leaving a store where she had spent an hour pondering over a beautifully crafted dressing case, she bumped into Miss Farish, who had come into the same shop with the simple intention of getting her watch fixed. Lily was feeling unusually virtuous. She had decided to hold off on buying the dressing case until she got the bill for her new opera cloak, and this decision made her feel much wealthier than when she had walked into the store. In this mood of self-satisfaction, she had a sympathetic view of others, and she noticed her friend’s look of sadness.
Miss Farish, it appeared, had just left the committee-meeting of a struggling charity in which she was interested. The object of the association was to provide comfortable lodgings, with a reading-room and other modest distractions, where young women of the class employed in downtown offices might find a home when out of work, or in need of rest, and the first year’s financial report showed so deplorably small a balance that Miss Farish, who was convinced of the urgency of the work, felt proportionately discouraged by the small amount of interest it aroused. The other-regarding sentiments had not been cultivated in Lily, and she was often bored by the relation of her friend’s philanthropic efforts, but today her quick dramatizing fancy seized on the contrast between her own situation and that represented by some of Gerty’s “cases.” These were young girls, like herself; some perhaps pretty, some not without a trace of her finer sensibilities. She pictured herself leading such a life as theirs—a life in which achievement seemed as squalid as failure—and the vision made her shudder sympathetically. The price of the dressing-case was still in her pocket; and drawing out her little gold purse she slipped a liberal fraction of the amount into Miss Farish’s hand.
Miss Farish had just left a committee meeting for a struggling charity she cared about. The charity aimed to provide comfortable housing, a reading room, and other simple activities where young women working in downtown offices could find a home when they were out of work or needed some rest. The first year's financial report showed such a disappointingly small balance that Miss Farish, convinced of how important the work was, felt particularly discouraged by the lack of interest it generated. Lily hadn’t developed an awareness of social issues, and she often found her friend's philanthropic efforts dull, but today her imagination quickly focused on the contrast between her own life and the lives of some of Gerty’s "cases." These were young girls like her—some maybe pretty, some with hints of her own finer sensibilities. She envisioned living a life like theirs—a life where success felt just as grim as failure—and the thought made her shudder in sympathy. She still had the money for the dressing case in her pocket, and as she pulled out her small gold purse, she slipped a generous portion of it into Miss Farish’s hand.
The satisfaction derived from this act was all that the most ardent moralist could have desired. Lily felt a new interest in herself as a person of charitable instincts: she had never before thought of doing good with the wealth she had so often dreamed of possessing, but now her horizon was enlarged by the vision of a prodigal philanthropy. Moreover, by some obscure process of logic, she felt that her momentary burst of generosity had justified all previous extravagances, and excused any in which she might subsequently indulge. Miss Farish’s surprise and gratitude confirmed this feeling, and Lily parted from her with a sense of self-esteem which she naturally mistook for the fruits of altruism.
The satisfaction she got from this act was everything even the most passionate moralist could hope for. Lily felt a renewed sense of interest in herself as someone who cared about others: she had never considered using the wealth she had often dreamed of for good, but now her perspective expanded with the idea of generous philanthropy. Furthermore, through some unclear reasoning, she believed that her brief moment of generosity made up for all her past indulgences and justified any future ones she might have. Miss Farish’s surprise and gratitude reinforced this feeling, and as Lily said goodbye to her, she experienced a boost in self-esteem that she mistakenly equated with being altruistic.
About this time she was farther cheered by an invitation to spend the Thanksgiving week at a camp in the Adirondacks. The invitation was one which, a year earlier, would have provoked a less ready response, for the party, though organized by Mrs. Fisher, was ostensibly given by a lady of obscure origin and indomitable social ambitions, whose acquaintance Lily had hitherto avoided. Now, however, she was disposed to coincide with Mrs. Fisher’s view, that it didn’t matter who gave the party, as long as things were well done; and doing things well (under competent direction) was Mrs. Wellington Bry’s strong point. The lady (whose consort was known as “Welly” Bry on the Stock Exchange and in sporting circles) had already sacrificed one husband, and sundry minor considerations, to her determination to get on; and, having obtained a hold on Carry Fisher, she was astute enough to perceive the wisdom of committing herself entirely to that lady’s guidance. Everything, accordingly, was well done, for there was no limit to Mrs. Fisher’s prodigality when she was not spending her own money, and as she remarked to her pupil, a good cook was the best introduction to society. If the company was not as select as the CUISINE, the Welly Brys at least had the satisfaction of figuring for the first time in the society columns in company with one or two noticeable names; and foremost among these was of course Miss Bart’s. The young lady was treated by her hosts with corresponding deference; and she was in the mood when such attentions are acceptable, whatever their source. Mrs. Bry’s admiration was a mirror in which Lily’s self-complacency recovered its lost outline. No insect hangs its nest on threads as frail as those which will sustain the weight of human vanity; and the sense of being of importance among the insignificant was enough to restore to Miss Bart the gratifying consciousness of power. If these people paid court to her it proved that she was still conspicuous in the world to which they aspired; and she was not above a certain enjoyment in dazzling them by her fineness, in developing their puzzled perception of her superiorities.
Around this time, she felt even more uplifted by an invitation to spend Thanksgiving week at a camp in the Adirondacks. A year ago, this invitation would have been met with less enthusiasm, as the party, although organized by Mrs. Fisher, was supposedly hosted by a woman of unknown background and relentless social ambitions, someone Lily had previously avoided. However, now she was inclined to agree with Mrs. Fisher’s view that it didn’t matter who hosted the party, as long as everything was done well; and doing things well (with the right guidance) was Mrs. Wellington Bry’s specialty. The lady (whose husband was known as “Welly” Bry on the Stock Exchange and in sporting circles) had already sacrificed one husband and several minor considerations in her determination to advance socially, and having gained favor with Carry Fisher, she was smart enough to commit herself fully to that lady’s guidance. Consequently, everything was executed flawlessly, as there was no limit to Mrs. Fisher’s generosity when she wasn’t spending her own money, and as she told her protégé, a good cook was the best way to get introduced to society. Even if the guest list wasn’t as prestigious as the cuisine, the Welly Brys at least had the satisfaction of appearing for the first time in the society columns alongside a few notable names; foremost among them, of course, was Miss Bart’s. The young lady was given the proper respect by her hosts, and she was in a mood where such attention was welcome, no matter the source. Mrs. Bry’s admiration acted as a reflection where Lily's self-satisfaction regained its lost shape. No insect builds its nest on threads as delicate as those that support human vanity; and feeling important among the less significant was enough to bring back to Miss Bart the pleasing awareness of her own power. If these people sought her favor, it showed that she was still notable in the world they wanted to be part of; and she took pleasure in dazzling them with her elegance, making them more aware of her advantages.
Perhaps, however, her enjoyment proceeded more than she was aware from the physical stimulus of the excursion, the challenge of crisp cold and hard exercise, the responsive thrill of her body to the influences of the winter woods. She returned to town in a glow of rejuvenation, conscious of a clearer colour in her cheeks, a fresh elasticity in her muscles. The future seemed full of a vague promise, and all her apprehensions were swept out of sight on the buoyant current of her mood.
Perhaps, however, her enjoyment came more than she realized from the physical stimulation of the trip, the challenge of the brisk cold and intense exercise, the exhilarating response of her body to the winter woods. She returned to town feeling revitalized, aware of a brighter shade in her cheeks, a renewed flexibility in her muscles. The future felt full of a vague promise, and all her worries were washed away by the uplifting current of her mood.
A few days after her return to town she had the unpleasant surprise of a visit from Mr. Rosedale. He came late, at the confidential hour when the tea-table still lingers by the fire in friendly expectancy; and his manner showed a readiness to adapt itself to the intimacy of the occasion.
A few days after she got back to town, she was unpleasantly surprised by a visit from Mr. Rosedale. He arrived late, at that cozy time when the tea table still hangs out by the fire, waiting for company; and he seemed eager to fit in with the casual vibe of the moment.
Lily, who had a vague sense of his being somehow connected with her lucky speculations, tried to give him the welcome he expected; but there was something in the quality of his geniality which chilled her own, and she was conscious of marking each step in their acquaintance by a fresh blunder.
Lily, who felt a vague connection between him and her lucky guesses, tried to greet him in the way she thought he wanted; but there was something about his friendliness that made her feel distant, and she realized she was making a new mistake with every step in their relationship.
Mr. Rosedale—making himself promptly at home in an adjoining easy-chair, and sipping his tea critically, with the comment: “You ought to go to my man for something really good”—appeared totally unconscious of the repugnance which kept her in frozen erectness behind the urn. It was perhaps her very manner of holding herself aloof that appealed to his collector’s passion for the rare and unattainable. He gave, at any rate, no sign of resenting it and seemed prepared to supply in his own manner all the ease that was lacking in hers.
Mr. Rosedale settled comfortably into an nearby armchair, sipping his tea thoughtfully, saying, “You should go to my guy for something really good.” He seemed completely unaware of the discomfort that made her stay stiffly upright behind the urn. It was probably her way of keeping her distance that sparked his collector's desire for the rare and unattainable. He showed no signs of being bothered by it and appeared ready to provide, in his own way, all the ease that was missing in hers.
His object in calling was to ask her to go to the opera in his box on the opening night, and seeing her hesitate he said persuasively: “Mrs. Fisher is coming, and I’ve secured a tremendous admirer of yours, who’ll never forgive me if you don’t accept.”
His purpose in calling was to invite her to the opera in his box on opening night, and seeing her hesitate, he said encouragingly: “Mrs. Fisher is coming, and I’ve arranged for a huge admirer of yours, who’ll never forgive me if you don’t say yes.”
As Lily’s silence left him with this allusion on his hands, he added with a confidential smile: “Gus Trenor has promised to come to town on purpose. I fancy he’d go a good deal farther for the pleasure of seeing you.”
As Lily stayed silent, leaving him with this hint, he added with a knowing smile: “Gus Trenor has promised to come to town just for you. I think he’d go a long way just for the chance to see you.”
Miss Bart felt an inward motion of annoyance: it was distasteful enough to hear her name coupled with Trenor’s, and on Rosedale’s lips the allusion was peculiarly unpleasant.
Miss Bart felt a wave of annoyance inside her: it was already unpleasant to hear her name linked with Trenor’s, and hearing it from Rosedale made it even more distasteful.
“The Trenors are my best friends—I think we should all go a long way to see each other,” she said, absorbing herself in the preparation of fresh tea.
“The Trenors are my best friends—I think we should all make an effort to see each other,” she said, focusing on making some fresh tea.
Her visitor’s smile grew increasingly intimate. “Well, I wasn’t thinking of Mrs. Trenor at the moment—they say Gus doesn’t always, you know.” Then, dimly conscious that he had not struck the right note, he added, with a well-meant effort at diversion: “How’s your luck been going in Wall Street, by the way? I hear Gus pulled off a nice little pile for you last month.”
Her visitor’s smile became more personal. “Well, I wasn’t thinking about Mrs. Trenor right now—they say Gus doesn’t always, you know.” Then, vaguely aware that he hadn’t hit the right tone, he added, making a sincere attempt to change the subject: “How’s your luck been on Wall Street, by the way? I heard Gus made you a nice little chunk of change last month.”
Lily put down the tea-caddy with an abrupt gesture. She felt that her hands were trembling, and clasped them on her knee to steady them; but her lip trembled too, and for a moment she was afraid the tremor might communicate itself to her voice. When she spoke, however, it was in a tone of perfect lightness.
Lily set the tea caddy down abruptly. She noticed her hands shaking and clasped them on her knee to steady herself; but her lip quivered too, and for a moment, she worried that the tremor might affect her voice. When she finally spoke, though, it was with a tone of complete ease.
“Ah, yes—I had a little bit of money to invest, and Mr. Trenor, who helps me about such matters, advised my putting it in stocks instead of a mortgage, as my aunt’s agent wanted me to do; and as it happened, I made a lucky ‘turn’—is that what you call it? For you make a great many yourself, I believe.”
“Ah, yes—I had a bit of money to invest, and Mr. Trenor, who helps me with these things, suggested I put it in stocks instead of a mortgage, like my aunt’s agent wanted me to do; and as luck would have it, I made a lucky ‘turn’—is that what you call it? Because I believe you make a lot of them yourself.”
She was smiling back at him now, relaxing the tension of her attitude, and admitting him, by imperceptible gradations of glance and manner, a step farther toward intimacy. The protective instinct always nerved her to successful dissimulation, and it was not the first time she had used her beauty to divert attention from an inconvenient topic.
She was smiling back at him now, easing the tension in her attitude, and allowing him, through subtle changes in her gaze and behavior, to get a little closer to intimacy. Her protective instinct always gave her the motivation to successfully hide her true feelings, and this wasn’t the first time she had used her looks to steer the conversation away from a sensitive subject.
When Mr. Rosedale took leave, he carried with him, not only her acceptance of his invitation, but a general sense of having comported himself in a way calculated to advance his cause. He had always believed he had a light touch and a knowing way with women, and the prompt manner in which Miss Bart (as he would have phrased it) had “come into line,” confirmed his confidence in his powers of handling this skittish sex. Her way of glossing over the transaction with Trenor he regarded at once as a tribute to his own acuteness, and a confirmation of his suspicions. The girl was evidently nervous, and Mr. Rosedale, if he saw no other means of advancing his acquaintance with her, was not above taking advantage of her nervousness.
When Mr. Rosedale said goodbye, he left not just with her acceptance of his invitation but also with a sense that he had acted in a way that would benefit his interests. He had always believed he had a light touch and a good understanding of women, and the quick way Miss Bart had agreed (as he would put it) made him feel even more confident in his ability to handle this unpredictable gender. He interpreted her way of brushing off her dealings with Trenor as a compliment to his insight and a validation of his suspicions. The girl was clearly anxious, and Mr. Rosedale, if he didn't see any other way to deepen his relationship with her, was not above exploiting her nervousness.
He left Lily to a passion of disgust and fear. It seemed incredible that Gus Trenor should have spoken of her to Rosedale. With all his faults, Trenor had the safeguard of his traditions, and was the less likely to overstep them because they were so purely instinctive. But Lily recalled with a pang that there were convivial moments when, as Judy had confided to her, Gus “talked foolishly”: in one of these, no doubt, the fatal word had slipped from him. As for Rosedale, she did not, after the first shock, greatly care what conclusions he had drawn. Though usually adroit enough where her own interests were concerned, she made the mistake, not uncommon to persons in whom the social habits are instinctive, of supposing that the inability to acquire them quickly implies a general dulness. Because a blue-bottle bangs irrationally against a window-pane, the drawing-room naturalist may forget that under less artificial conditions it is capable of measuring distances and drawing conclusions with all the accuracy needful to its welfare; and the fact that Mr. Rosedale’s drawing-room manner lacked perspective made Lily class him with Trenor and the other dull men she knew, and assume that a little flattery, and the occasional acceptance of his hospitality, would suffice to render him innocuous. However, there could be no doubt of the expediency of showing herself in his box on the opening night of the opera; and after all, since Judy Trenor had promised to take him up that winter, it was as well to reap the advantage of being first in the field.
He left Lily feeling a mix of disgust and fear. It seemed unbelievable that Gus Trenor would have mentioned her to Rosedale. Despite his faults, Trenor had the benefit of his upbringing and was unlikely to stray from it because it was so instinctive. But Lily remembered with a twinge that there were social occasions when, as Judy had confided to her, Gus “talked foolishly”: it was likely that during one of those times, he let something slip. As for Rosedale, after the initial shock, she didn’t really care what conclusions he had drawn. Although she usually navigated her own interests quite well, she made the common mistake of assuming that a lack of quick social skills meant overall dullness. Just because a fly bangs haphazardly against a window doesn’t mean it can’t measure distances and make conclusions accurately in a more natural environment; and since Mr. Rosedale’s social manner didn’t have depth, Lily lumped him in with Trenor and other dull men she knew, thinking that a bit of flattery and occasionally accepting his hospitality would keep him harmless. Still, there was no doubt that it would be wise to appear in his box on the opening night of the opera; and since Judy Trenor had promised to support him that winter, it made sense to take advantage of being the first one to act.
For a day or two after Rosedale’s visit, Lily’s thoughts were dogged by the consciousness of Trenor’s shadowy claim, and she wished she had a clearer notion of the exact nature of the transaction which seemed to have put her in his power; but her mind shrank from any unusual application, and she was always helplessly puzzled by figures. Moreover she had not seen Trenor since the day of the Van Osburgh wedding, and in his continued absence the trace of Rosedale’s words was soon effaced by other impressions.
For a day or two after Rosedale’s visit, Lily couldn’t shake off the awareness of Trenor’s vague claim, and she wished she understood better the exact nature of the arrangement that seemed to give him control over her; however, she found it hard to think about anything complicated, and numbers always left her confused. Plus, she hadn’t seen Trenor since the day of the Van Osburgh wedding, and with his ongoing absence, Rosedale’s words quickly faded in her mind, replaced by other thoughts.
When the opening night of the opera came, her apprehensions had so completely vanished that the sight of Trenor’s ruddy countenance in the back of Mr. Rosedale’s box filled her with a sense of pleasant reassurance. Lily had not quite reconciled herself to the necessity of appearing as Rosedale’s guest on so conspicuous an occasion, and it was a relief to find herself supported by any one of her own set—for Mrs. Fisher’s social habits were too promiscuous for her presence to justify Miss Bart’s.
When the opening night of the opera arrived, her worries had completely disappeared, and seeing Trenor’s red face in the back of Mr. Rosedale’s box made her feel pleasantly reassured. Lily hadn’t fully come to terms with having to appear as Rosedale’s guest on such a noticeable occasion, so it was a relief to have someone from her own social circle there—Mrs. Fisher’s social habits were too casual for her to really validate Miss Bart’s presence.
To Lily, always inspirited by the prospect of showing her beauty in public, and conscious tonight of all the added enhancements of dress, the insistency of Trenor’s gaze merged itself in the general stream of admiring looks of which she felt herself the centre. Ah, it was good to be young, to be radiant, to glow with the sense of slenderness, strength and elasticity, of well-poised lines and happy tints, to feel one’s self lifted to a height apart by that incommunicable grace which is the bodily counterpart of genius!
To Lily, always excited about the chance to showcase her beauty in public, and fully aware tonight of all the added perks of her outfit, Trenor's intense stare blended into the sea of admiring glances that made her feel like the center of attention. Ah, it felt amazing to be young, to be radiant, to glow with the sense of being slim, strong, and flexible, to have well-defined features and bright colors, to feel herself elevated by that unique grace that mirrors true talent!
All means seemed justifiable to attain such an end, or rather, by a happy shifting of lights with which practice had familiarized Miss Bart, the cause shrank to a pin-point in the general brightness of the effect. But brilliant young ladies, a little blinded by their own effulgence, are apt to forget that the modest satellite drowned in their light is still performing its own revolutions and generating heat at its own rate. If Lily’s poetic enjoyment of the moment was undisturbed by the base thought that her gown and opera cloak had been indirectly paid for by Gus Trenor, the latter had not sufficient poetry in his composition to lose sight of these prosaic facts. He knew only that he had never seen Lily look smarter in her life, that there wasn’t a woman in the house who showed off good clothes as she did, and that hitherto he, to whom she owed the opportunity of making this display, had reaped no return beyond that of gazing at her in company with several hundred other pairs of eyes.
All methods seemed acceptable to achieve such a goal, or rather, thanks to a fortunate manipulation of perspectives that Miss Bart had become accustomed to, the reason faded to a tiny point in the overall brightness of the outcome. However, dazzling young women, a bit blinded by their own brilliance, tend to forget that the humble companion overshadowed by their light is still going through its own movements and generating heat at its own pace. If Lily's artistic enjoyment of the moment remained unaffected by the unpleasant realization that her dress and opera cloak had been indirectly funded by Gus Trenor, he didn't have enough romanticism in him to overlook these practical matters. He only knew that he had never seen Lily look as stylish as she did that night, that there wasn't a woman in the room who showcased nice clothes like she did, and that until then, he, who had provided her the chance to make this display, had received no reward beyond staring at her along with several hundred other pairs of eyes.
It came to Lily therefore as a disagreeable surprise when, in the back of the box, where they found themselves alone between two acts, Trenor said, without preamble, and in a tone of sulky authority: “Look here, Lily, how is a fellow ever to see anything of you? I’m in town three or four days in the week, and you know a line to the club will always find me, but you don’t seem to remember my existence nowadays unless you want to get a tip out of me.”
It was an unwelcome surprise for Lily when, in the back of the box, where they were alone between two acts, Trenor said, without any introduction, and in a sulky tone: “Hey, Lily, how am I supposed to see you at all? I'm in town three or four days a week, and you know a message to the club will always reach me, but you only seem to remember I exist these days when you want a tip from me.”
The fact that the remark was in distinctly bad taste did not make it any easier to answer, for Lily was vividly aware that it was not the moment for that drawing up of her slim figure and surprised lifting of the brows by which she usually quelled incipient signs of familiarity.
The fact that the comment was really inappropriate didn't make it any easier to respond, because Lily was acutely aware that it wasn't the right time for her to straighten her slim figure and raise her eyebrows in surprise, which was how she usually shut down any signs of familiarity.
“I’m very much flattered by your wanting to see me,” she returned, essaying lightness instead, “but, unless you have mislaid my address, it would have been easy to find me any afternoon at my aunt’s—in fact, I rather expected you to look me up there.”
“I’m really flattered that you wanted to see me,” she said, trying to sound casual, “but unless you’ve lost my address, it would have been easy to find me any afternoon at my aunt’s—in fact, I kind of expected you to come by there.”
If she hoped to mollify him by this last concession the attempt was a failure, for he only replied, with the familiar lowering of the brows that made him look his dullest when he was angry: “Hang going to your aunt’s, and wasting the afternoon listening to a lot of other chaps talking to you! You know I’m not the kind to sit in a crowd and jaw—I’d always rather clear out when that sort of circus is going on. But why can’t we go off somewhere on a little lark together—a nice quiet little expedition like that drive at Bellomont, the day you met me at the station?”
If she thought this last concession would calm him down, she was wrong, because he only replied with the familiar furrow of his brows that made him look most dim-witted when he was angry: “Forget going to your aunt’s and wasting the afternoon listening to a bunch of other guys talking to you! You know I’m not the type to sit in a crowd and chat—I’d always rather leave when that kind of scene is happening. But why can’t we just go off somewhere for a little adventure together—a nice quiet trip like that drive to Bellomont, the day you met me at the station?”
He leaned unpleasantly close in order to convey this suggestion, and she fancied she caught a significant aroma which explained the dark flush on his face and the glistening dampness of his forehead.
He leaned uncomfortably close to make this suggestion, and she thought she noticed a distinct smell that explained the dark redness on his face and the slickness of his forehead.
The idea that any rash answer might provoke an unpleasant outburst tempered her disgust with caution, and she answered with a laugh: “I don’t see how one can very well take country drives in town, but I am not always surrounded by an admiring throng, and if you will let me know what afternoon you are coming I will arrange things so that we can have a nice quiet talk.”
The thought that any hasty reply might trigger an awkward reaction made her hold back her annoyance, and she replied with a laugh: “I don’t see how it's possible to go for country drives in the city, but I’m not always surrounded by fans, and if you let me know what afternoon you’re coming, I’ll set things up so we can have a nice, quiet chat.”
“Hang talking! That’s what you always say,” returned Trenor, whose expletives lacked variety. “You put me off with that at the Van Osburgh wedding—but the plain English of it is that, now you’ve got what you wanted out of me, you’d rather have any other fellow about.”
“Stop talking like that! That’s what you always say,” Trenor replied, his insults feeling pretty repetitive. “You did that at the Van Osburgh wedding—but the straightforward truth is that now you’ve gotten what you wanted from me, you’d prefer to be with anyone else.”
His voice had risen sharply with the last words, and Lily flushed with annoyance, but she kept command of the situation and laid a persuasive hand on his arm.
His voice had sharpened with the last words, and Lily flushed with annoyance, but she maintained control of the situation and placed a convincing hand on his arm.
“Don’t be foolish, Gus; I can’t let you talk to me in that ridiculous way. If you really want to see me, why shouldn’t we take a walk in the Park some afternoon? I agree with you that it’s amusing to be rustic in town, and if you like I’ll meet you there, and we’ll go and feed the squirrels, and you shall take me out on the lake in the steam-gondola.”
“Don’t be silly, Gus; I can’t let you talk to me that way. If you really want to see me, why don’t we take a walk in the park one afternoon? I think it’s fun to be a little outdoorsy in the city, and if you want, I’ll meet you there. We can feed the squirrels, and you can take me out on the lake in the steam gondola.”
She smiled as she spoke, letting her eyes rest on his in a way that took the edge from her banter and made him suddenly malleable to her will.
She smiled while she spoke, allowing her eyes to linger on his in a way that softened her teasing and made him unexpectedly receptive to her wishes.
“All right, then: that’s a go. Will you come tomorrow? Tomorrow at three o’clock, at the end of the Mall. I’ll be there sharp, remember; you won’t go back on me, Lily?”
“All right, then: that’s a go. Will you come tomorrow? Tomorrow at three o’clock, at the end of the Mall. I’ll be there on time, remember; you won’t bail on me, Lily?”
But to Miss Bart’s relief the repetition of her promise was cut short by the opening of the box door to admit George Dorset.
But to Miss Bart’s relief, her promise was interrupted by the opening of the box door, which let George Dorset in.
Trenor sulkily yielded his place, and Lily turned a brilliant smile on the newcomer. She had not talked with Dorset since their visit at Bellomont, but something in his look and manner told her that he recalled the friendly footing on which they had last met. He was not a man to whom the expression of admiration came easily: his long sallow face and distrustful eyes seemed always barricaded against the expansive emotions. But, where her own influence was concerned, Lily’s intuitions sent out thread-like feelers, and as she made room for him on the narrow sofa she was sure he found a dumb pleasure in being near her. Few women took the trouble to make themselves agreeable to Dorset, and Lily had been kind to him at Bellomont, and was now smiling on him with a divine renewal of kindness.
Trenor sulkily gave up his spot, and Lily flashed a bright smile at the newcomer. She hadn't spoken to Dorset since their visit to Bellomont, but something about his look and demeanor made her feel that he remembered their friendly connection from before. He wasn’t the type of guy who easily expressed admiration; his long, pale face and wary eyes always seemed closed off to strong emotions. Yet, when it came to her, Lily’s instincts picked up on subtle cues, and as she made space for him on the narrow sofa, she felt confident that he enjoyed being close to her. Few women bothered to be pleasant to Dorset, but Lily had shown him kindness at Bellomont and was now smiling at him with a renewed warmth.
“Well, here we are, in for another six months of caterwauling,” he began complainingly. “Not a shade of difference between this year and last, except that the women have got new clothes and the singers haven’t got new voices. My wife’s musical, you know—puts me through a course of this every winter. It isn’t so bad on Italian nights—then she comes late, and there’s time to digest. But when they give Wagner we have to rush dinner, and I pay up for it. And the draughts are damnable—asphyxia in front and pleurisy in the back. There’s Trenor leaving the box without drawing the curtain! With a hide like that draughts don’t make any difference. Did you ever watch Trenor eat? If you did, you’d wonder why he’s alive; I suppose he’s leather inside too.—But I came to say that my wife wants you to come down to our place next Sunday. Do for heaven’s sake say yes. She’s got a lot of bores coming—intellectual ones, I mean; that’s her new line, you know, and I’m not sure it ain’t worse than the music. Some of ’em have long hair, and they start an argument with the soup, and don’t notice when things are handed to them. The consequence is the dinner gets cold, and I have dyspepsia. That silly ass Silverton brings them to the house—he writes poetry, you know, and Bertha and he are getting tremendously thick. She could write better than any of ’em if she chose, and I don’t blame her for wanting clever fellows about; all I say is: ‘Don’t let me see ’em eat!’”
"Well, here we are, in for another six months of noise,” he started complaining. “Not a bit different from last year, except that the women have new clothes and the singers haven't improved. My wife loves music, you know—makes me go through this every winter. It’s not so bad on Italian nights—then she shows up late, and I have time to relax. But when they play Wagner, we have to rush dinner, and I really pay for it. And the drafts are awful—it's freezing up front and stifling in the back. Look at Trenor leaving the box without closing the curtain! With a skin like that, drafts don’t bother him. Did you ever watch Trenor eat? If you did, you'd wonder how he’s still alive; I suppose he’s made of leather inside too. Anyway, I came to tell you that my wife wants you to come to our place next Sunday. Please say yes. She’s invited a lot of boring people—intellectual ones, I mean; that’s her new crowd, and I’m not sure it's any better than the music. Some of them have long hair, and they start arguing with the soup, completely clueless when things are served to them. The result is the dinner goes cold, and I end up with indigestion. That silly Silverton brings them over—he writes poetry, you know, and he and Bertha are getting really close. She could write better than any of them if she wanted to, and I don’t blame her for wanting smart people around; all I ask is: ‘Don’t let me see them eat!’”
The gist of this strange communication gave Lily a distinct thrill of pleasure. Under ordinary circumstances, there would have been nothing surprising in an invitation from Bertha Dorset; but since the Bellomont episode an unavowed hostility had kept the two women apart. Now, with a start of inner wonder, Lily felt that her thirst for retaliation had died out. IF YOU WOULD FORGIVE YOUR ENEMY, says the Malay proverb, FIRST INFLICT A HURT ON HIM; and Lily was experiencing the truth of the apothegm. If she had destroyed Mrs. Dorset’s letters, she might have continued to hate her; but the fact that they remained in her possession had fed her resentment to satiety.
The essence of this unusual message gave Lily a distinct thrill of pleasure. Normally, an invitation from Bertha Dorset wouldn't have been surprising; however, since the Bellomont incident, an unspoken tension had kept the two women apart. Now, with a sudden sense of wonder, Lily realized that her desire for revenge had faded away. "If you would forgive your enemy," says the Malay proverb, "first inflict a hurt on him," and Lily was experiencing the truth of this saying. If she had destroyed Mrs. Dorset’s letters, she might have continued to resent her; but the fact that they were still in her possession had satisfied her anger completely.
She uttered a smiling acceptance, hailing in the renewal of the tie an escape from Trenor’s importunities.
She smiled and accepted, seeing the renewal of their bond as a way to escape Trenor’s persistent demands.
Chapter 11
Meanwhile the holidays had gone by and the season was beginning. Fifth Avenue had become a nightly torrent of carriages surging upward to the fashionable quarters about the Park, where illuminated windows and outspread awnings betokened the usual routine of hospitality. Other tributary currents crossed the mainstream, bearing their freight to the theatres, restaurants or opera; and Mrs. Peniston, from the secluded watch-tower of her upper window, could tell to a nicety just when the chronic volume of sound was increased by the sudden influx setting toward a Van Osburgh ball, or when the multiplication of wheels meant merely that the opera was over, or that there was a big supper at Sherry’s.
Meanwhile, the holidays had passed, and the season was starting. Fifth Avenue had turned into a bustling stream of carriages heading up to the trendy areas near the Park, where lit-up windows and open awnings signaled the usual hospitality. Other side streets intersected this main flow, delivering people to theaters, restaurants, or the opera; and Mrs. Peniston, from the comfort of her upper window, could precisely tell when the usual noise increased due to the sudden wave of guests heading to a Van Osburgh ball, or when the surge of carriages only meant that the opera had ended, or that there was a large supper happening at Sherry’s.
Mrs. Peniston followed the rise and culmination of the season as keenly as the most active sharer in its gaieties; and, as a looker-on, she enjoyed opportunities of comparison and generalization such as those who take part must proverbially forego. No one could have kept a more accurate record of social fluctuations, or have put a more unerring finger on the distinguishing features of each season: its dulness, its extravagance, its lack of balls or excess of divorces. She had a special memory for the vicissitudes of the “new people” who rose to the surface with each recurring tide, and were either submerged beneath its rush or landed triumphantly beyond the reach of envious breakers; and she was apt to display a remarkable retrospective insight into their ultimate fate, so that, when they had fulfilled their destiny, she was almost always able to say to Grace Stepney—the recipient of her prophecies—that she had known exactly what would happen.
Mrs. Peniston followed the ups and downs of the social season as closely as anyone actively participating in its festivities; and as an observer, she had insights and comparisons that those involved typically lacked. No one could have kept a more precise record of social changes or pinpointed the unique characteristics of each season: its dull moments, its excesses, its lack of parties, or the increase in divorces. She had an exceptional memory for the rise and fall of the "new people" who emerged with each wave, either getting swept away or successfully finding their place beyond the reach of jealous waves; and she often showcased a remarkable ability to predict their eventual outcomes. So, when they fulfilled their destinies, she could almost always tell Grace Stepney—the listener to her predictions—that she had known exactly how things would turn out.
This particular season Mrs. Peniston would have characterized as that in which everybody “felt poor” except the Welly Brys and Mr. Simon Rosedale. It had been a bad autumn in Wall Street, where prices fell in accordance with that peculiar law which proves railway stocks and bales of cotton to be more sensitive to the allotment of executive power than many estimable citizens trained to all the advantages of self-government. Even fortunes supposed to be independent of the market either betrayed a secret dependence on it, or suffered from a sympathetic affection: fashion sulked in its country houses, or came to town incognito, general entertainments were discountenanced, and informality and short dinners became the fashion.
This season, Mrs. Peniston would describe as the time when everyone "felt broke," except for the Welly Brys and Mr. Simon Rosedale. It had been a tough autumn on Wall Street, where prices dropped according to that strange rule that shows railway stocks and bales of cotton are more affected by who's in charge than many respectable citizens who have learned the benefits of self-governance. Even fortunes thought to be immune to the market revealed a hidden dependency on it, or were impacted by its decline: the fashion scene sulked in its country houses or came to the city incognito, big social events were discouraged, and casual gatherings and shorter dinners became trendy.
But society, amused for a while at playing Cinderella, soon wearied of the hearthside role, and welcomed the Fairy Godmother in the shape of any magician powerful enough to turn the shrunken pumpkin back again into the golden coach. The mere fact of growing richer at a time when most people’s investments are shrinking, is calculated to attract envious attention; and according to Wall Street rumours, Welly Bry and Rosedale had found the secret of performing this miracle.
But society, entertained for a bit by playing Cinderella, quickly got tired of the cozy role and welcomed the Fairy Godmother in the form of any magician powerful enough to turn the small pumpkin back into the golden coach. The simple fact of getting richer while most people's investments are shrinking is bound to draw envious looks; and according to Wall Street gossip, Welly Bry and Rosedale had discovered the secret to pulling off this miracle.
Rosedale, in particular, was said to have doubled his fortune, and there was talk of his buying the newly-finished house of one of the victims of the crash, who, in the space of twelve short months, had made the same number of millions, built a house in Fifth Avenue, filled a picture gallery with old masters, entertained all New York in it, and been smuggled out of the country between a trained nurse and a doctor, while his creditors mounted guard over the old masters, and his guests explained to each other that they had dined with him only because they wanted to see the pictures. Mr. Rosedale meant to have a less meteoric career. He knew he should have to go slowly, and the instincts of his race fitted him to suffer rebuffs and put up with delays. But he was prompt to perceive that the general dulness of the season afforded him an unusual opportunity to shine, and he set about with patient industry to form a background for his growing glory. Mrs. Fisher was of immense service to him at this period. She had set off so many newcomers on the social stage that she was like one of those pieces of stock scenery which tell the experienced spectator exactly what is going to take place. But Mr. Rosedale wanted, in the long run, a more individual environment. He was sensitive to shades of difference which Miss Bart would never have credited him with perceiving, because he had no corresponding variations of manner; and it was becoming more and more clear to him that Miss Bart herself possessed precisely the complementary qualities needed to round off his social personality.
Rosedale, in particular, was rumored to have doubled his wealth, and there was talk about him buying the newly-finished house of one of the victims of the crash, who had, in just twelve months, made the same amount of millions, built a house on Fifth Avenue, filled a gallery with old masters, entertained all of New York in it, and been smuggled out of the country between a nurse and a doctor, while his creditors stood guard over the old masters, and his guests explained to one another that they had dined with him only to see the art. Mr. Rosedale intended to have a less dramatic career. He knew he needed to proceed carefully, and the instincts of his background prepared him to handle setbacks and wait. But he quickly realized that the overall dullness of the season offered him a unique chance to stand out, and he set out with diligent effort to build a foundation for his rising success. Mrs. Fisher was a huge help to him during this time. She had launched so many newcomers on the social scene that she was like one of those pieces of stock scenery that tells the seasoned observer exactly what will happen next. However, Mr. Rosedale wanted, in the long run, a more distinctive environment. He was attuned to subtle differences that Miss Bart would never have believed he noticed since he didn’t show any corresponding variations in behavior; and it was becoming increasingly clear to him that Miss Bart herself had exactly the complementary qualities needed to complete his social persona.
Such details did not fall within the range of Mrs. Peniston’s vision. Like many minds of panoramic sweep, hers was apt to overlook the MINUTIAE of the foreground, and she was much more likely to know where Carry Fisher had found the Welly Brys’ CHEF for them, than what was happening to her own niece. She was not, however, without purveyors of information ready to supplement her deficiencies. Grace Stepney’s mind was like a kind of moral fly-paper, to which the buzzing items of gossip were drawn by a fatal attraction, and where they hung fast in the toils of an inexorable memory. Lily would have been surprised to know how many trivial facts concerning herself were lodged in Miss Stepney’s head. She was quite aware that she was of interest to dingy people, but she assumed that there is only one form of dinginess, and that admiration for brilliancy is the natural expression of its inferior state. She knew that Gerty Farish admired her blindly, and therefore supposed that she inspired the same sentiments in Grace Stepney, whom she classified as a Gerty Farish without the saving traits of youth and enthusiasm.
Such details didn't register with Mrs. Peniston. Like many people with broad perspectives, she tended to miss the small details up close, and she was much more likely to know where Carry Fisher found the Welly Brys’ chef than what was going on with her own niece. However, she wasn't without sources of information ready to fill in her gaps. Grace Stepney's mind was like a kind of moral flypaper, drawing in the buzzing bits of gossip with an irresistible attraction, where they remained stuck in her relentless memory. Lily would be surprised to know how many trivial facts about herself were lodged in Miss Stepney’s mind. She was aware that she attracted the interest of dull people but assumed there was only one type of dullness, where admiration for brilliance indicated a lower state. She knew that Gerty Farish admired her without question, and therefore assumed that she inspired the same feelings in Grace Stepney, whom she saw as a Gerty Farish without the redeeming qualities of youth and enthusiasm.
In reality, the two differed from each other as much as they differed from the object of their mutual contemplation. Miss Farish’s heart was a fountain of tender illusions, Miss Stepney’s a precise register of facts as manifested in their relation to herself. She had sensibilities which, to Lily, would have seemed comic in a person with a freckled nose and red eyelids, who lived in a boarding-house and admired Mrs. Peniston’s drawing-room; but poor Grace’s limitations gave them a more concentrated inner life, as poor soil starves certain plants into intenser efflorescence. She had in truth no abstract propensity to malice: she did not dislike Lily because the latter was brilliant and predominant, but because she thought that Lily disliked her. It is less mortifying to believe one’s self unpopular than insignificant, and vanity prefers to assume that indifference is a latent form of unfriendliness. Even such scant civilities as Lily accorded to Mr. Rosedale would have made Miss Stepney her friend for life; but how could she foresee that such a friend was worth cultivating? How, moreover, can a young woman who has never been ignored measure the pang which this injury inflicts? And, lastly, how could Lily, accustomed to choose between a pressure of engagements, guess that she had mortally offended Miss Stepney by causing her to be excluded from one of Mrs. Peniston’s infrequent dinner-parties?
In reality, the two were as different from each other as they were from the focus of their shared attention. Miss Farish’s heart was a source of gentle fantasies, while Miss Stepney’s was a careful catalog of facts related to herself. She had feelings that, to Lily, would have seemed amusing in someone with a freckled nose and red eyelids, who lived in a boarding house and admired Mrs. Peniston’s drawing room; but poor Grace’s limitations gave her a more intense inner life, much like how poor soil can make certain plants bloom more vibrantly. She truly had no natural tendency toward malice: she didn't dislike Lily because the latter was brilliant and in control, but because she believed that Lily disliked her. It’s less humiliating to feel unpopular than to feel insignificant, and vanity prefers to think that indifference is a hidden form of unfriendliness. Even the meager courtesy that Lily showed to Mr. Rosedale would have made Miss Stepney her lifelong friend; but how could she have known such a friendship was worth nurturing? Besides, how can a young woman who has never been ignored understand the pain that such exclusion brings? And lastly, how could Lily, used to juggling her many commitments, realize that she had seriously offended Miss Stepney by excluding her from one of Mrs. Peniston’s rare dinner parties?
Mrs. Peniston disliked giving dinners, but she had a high sense of family obligation, and on the Jack Stepneys’ return from their honeymoon she felt it incumbent upon her to light the drawing-room lamps and extract her best silver from the Safe Deposit vaults. Mrs. Peniston’s rare entertainments were preceded by days of heart-rending vacillation as to every detail of the feast, from the seating of the guests to the pattern of the table-cloth, and in the course of one of these preliminary discussions she had imprudently suggested to her cousin Grace that, as the dinner was a family affair, she might be included in it. For a week the prospect had lighted up Miss Stepney’s colourless existence; then she had been given to understand that it would be more convenient to have her another day. Miss Stepney knew exactly what had happened. Lily, to whom family reunions were occasions of unalloyed dulness, had persuaded her aunt that a dinner of “smart” people would be much more to the taste of the young couple, and Mrs. Peniston, who leaned helplessly on her niece in social matters, had been prevailed upon to pronounce Grace’s exile. After all, Grace could come any other day; why should she mind being put off?
Mrs. Peniston didn’t enjoy hosting dinners, but she felt a strong sense of family duty. When the Jack Stepneys returned from their honeymoon, she felt it was her responsibility to turn on the drawing-room lamps and take her best silver out of the Safe Deposit vaults. Mrs. Peniston’s rare dinners were always preceded by days of agonizing deliberation over every detail of the event, from where guests would sit to the design of the tablecloth. During one of these planning sessions, she had foolishly suggested to her cousin Grace that, since it was a family gathering, she could be included. For a week, the idea brightened Miss Stepney’s otherwise dull life; then she was informed that it would be more convenient to invite her another time. Miss Stepney understood exactly what had happened. Lily, who found family gatherings utterly boring, had convinced her aunt that a dinner with “smart” people would be much more appealing to the newlyweds, and Mrs. Peniston, who relied heavily on her niece for social guidance, had been persuaded to tell Grace she wasn’t invited after all. After all, Grace could come another time; why should she be upset about being pushed aside?
It was precisely because Miss Stepney could come any other day—and because she knew her relations were in the secret of her unoccupied evenings—that this incident loomed gigantically on her horizon. She was aware that she had Lily to thank for it; and dull resentment was turned to active animosity.
It was exactly because Miss Stepney could come any other day—and because she knew her relatives were in on the secret of her free evenings—that this incident seemed so huge to her. She realized that she had Lily to blame for it; and her dull resentment shifted to active hostility.
Mrs. Peniston, on whom she had looked in a day or two after the dinner, laid down her crochet-work and turned abruptly from her oblique survey of Fifth Avenue.
Mrs. Peniston, whom she had visited a day or two after the dinner, put down her crochet work and turned suddenly from her sideways view of Fifth Avenue.
“Gus Trenor?—Lily and Gus Trenor?” she said, growing so suddenly pale that her visitor was almost alarmed.
“Gus Trenor?—Lily and Gus Trenor?” she said, suddenly turning so pale that her visitor was nearly alarmed.
“Oh, cousin Julia . . . of course I don’t mean....”
“Oh, cousin Julia . . . of course I don’t mean....”
“I don’t know what you DO mean,” said Mrs. Peniston, with a frightened quiver in her small fretful voice. “Such things were never heard of in my day. And my own niece! I’m not sure I understand you. Do people say he’s in love with her?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” said Mrs. Peniston, her small anxious voice trembling in fear. “Things like that were never talked about in my day. And my own niece! I’m not sure I get what you’re saying. Are people saying he’s in love with her?”
Mrs. Peniston’s horror was genuine. Though she boasted an unequalled familiarity with the secret chronicles of society, she had the innocence of the school-girl who regards wickedness as a part of “history,” and to whom it never occurs that the scandals she reads of in lesson-hours may be repeating themselves in the next street. Mrs. Peniston had kept her imagination shrouded, like the drawing-room furniture. She knew, of course, that society was “very much changed,” and that many women her mother would have thought “peculiar” were now in a position to be critical about their visiting-lists; she had discussed the perils of divorce with her rector, and had felt thankful at times that Lily was still unmarried; but the idea that any scandal could attach to a young girl’s name, above all that it could be lightly coupled with that of a married man, was so new to her that she was as much aghast as if she had been accused of leaving her carpets down all summer, or of violating any of the other cardinal laws of house-keeping.
Mrs. Peniston’s shock was real. Although she prided herself on her deep knowledge of society's secret stories, she had the innocence of a schoolgirl who sees wrongdoings as just a part of “history” and never considers that the scandals she reads about in class might be happening right next door. Mrs. Peniston had kept her imagination hidden away, just like the furniture in her living room. She knew, of course, that society had changed significantly and that many women her mother would have deemed “strange” were now in a position to critique their guest lists; she had talked about the dangers of divorce with her rector and had occasionally felt relieved that Lily was still single. But the thought that any scandal could be associated with a young woman's name, especially one that could be casually linked to that of a married man, was so foreign to her that she was as horrified as if she had been accused of leaving her carpets down all summer or violating any other fundamental rules of housekeeping.
Miss Stepney, when her first fright had subsided, began to feel the superiority that greater breadth of mind confers. It was really pitiable to be as ignorant of the world as Mrs. Peniston! She smiled at the latter’s question. “People always say unpleasant things—and certainly they’re a great deal together. A friend of mine met them the other afternoon in the Park—quite late, after the lamps were lit. It’s a pity Lily makes herself so conspicuous.”
Miss Stepney, once her initial shock wore off, started to feel the advantage that a broader mindset brings. It was truly unfortunate to be as unaware of the world as Mrs. Peniston! She smiled at Mrs. Peniston's question. “People always say unkind things—and they do spend a lot of time together. A friend of mine ran into them the other afternoon in the Park—quite late, after the lights were on. It’s a shame Lily makes herself so noticeable.”
“CONSPICUOUS!” gasped Mrs. Peniston. She bent forward, lowering her voice to mitigate the horror. “What sort of things do they say? That he means to get a divorce and marry her?”
“CONSPICUOUS!” gasped Mrs. Peniston. She leaned in, lowering her voice to soften the shock. “What kind of things are they saying? That he plans to get a divorce and marry her?”
Grace Stepney laughed outright. “Dear me, no! He would hardly do that. It—it’s a flirtation—nothing more.”
Grace Stepney burst out laughing. “Oh no! He wouldn’t do that. It—it’s just a flirtation—nothing more.”
“A flirtation? Between my niece and a married man? Do you mean to tell me that, with Lily’s looks and advantages, she could find no better use for her time than to waste it on a fat stupid man almost old enough to be her father?” This argument had such a convincing ring that it gave Mrs. Peniston sufficient reassurance to pick up her work, while she waited for Grace Stepney to rally her scattered forces.
"A flirtation? Between my niece and a married man? Are you really saying that, with Lily’s looks and advantages, she could find no better way to spend her time than to waste it on a fat, stupid man who’s almost old enough to be her father?" This argument sounded so convincing that it gave Mrs. Peniston enough confidence to pick up her work while she waited for Grace Stepney to gather her scattered thoughts.
But Miss Stepney was on the spot in an instant. “That’s the worst of it—people say she isn’t wasting her time! Every one knows, as you say, that Lily is too handsome and—and charming—to devote herself to a man like Gus Trenor unless—”
But Miss Stepney was right there in a moment. “That’s the problem—people say she isn’t wasting her time! Everyone knows, as you mentioned, that Lily is too beautiful and—well, charming—to commit herself to a guy like Gus Trenor unless—”
“Unless?” echoed Mrs. Peniston. Her visitor drew breath nervously. It was agreeable to shock Mrs. Peniston, but not to shock her to the verge of anger. Miss Stepney was not sufficiently familiar with the classic drama to have recalled in advance how bearers of bad tidings are proverbially received, but she now had a rapid vision of forfeited dinners and a reduced wardrobe as the possible consequence of her disinterestedness. To the honour of her sex, however, hatred of Lily prevailed over more personal considerations. Mrs. Peniston had chosen the wrong moment to boast of her niece’s charms.
“Unless?” echoed Mrs. Peniston. Her visitor took a nervous breath. It was thrilling to shock Mrs. Peniston, but not to the point of making her angry. Miss Stepney wasn't familiar enough with classic drama to remember how people usually react to bad news, but she quickly imagined losing dinner invitations and a smaller wardrobe as the potential result of her honesty. However, for the sake of her gender, her dislike for Lily outweighed her personal concerns. Mrs. Peniston had picked the wrong moment to brag about her niece’s attractiveness.
“Unless,” said Grace, leaning forward to speak with low-toned emphasis, “unless there are material advantages to be gained by making herself agreeable to him.”
“Unless,” said Grace, leaning forward to speak in a lower, more emphasized tone, “unless there are real benefits to be gained by making herself pleasant to him.”
She felt that the moment was tremendous, and remembered suddenly that Mrs. Peniston’s black brocade, with the cut jet fringe, would have been hers at the end of the season.
She felt that the moment was amazing and suddenly remembered that Mrs. Peniston’s black brocade, with the cut jet fringe, would have been hers at the end of the season.
Mrs. Peniston put down her work again. Another aspect of the same idea had presented itself to her, and she felt that it was beneath her dignity to have her nerves racked by a dependent relative who wore her old clothes.
Mrs. Peniston set her work aside again. Another angle of the same idea came to her, and she felt it was beneath her dignity to let her nerves be stressed by a dependent relative who wore her old clothes.
“If you take pleasure in annoying me by mysterious insinuations,” she said coldly, “you might at least have chosen a more suitable time than just as I am recovering from the strain of giving a large dinner.”
“If you enjoy bothering me with your vague hints,” she said coldly, “you could have at least picked a better time than right after I’m recovering from the stress of hosting a big dinner.”
The mention of the dinner dispelled Miss Stepney’s last scruples. “I don’t know why I should be accused of taking pleasure in telling you about Lily. I was sure I shouldn’t get any thanks for it,” she returned with a flare of temper. “But I have some family feeling left, and as you are the only person who has any authority over Lily, I thought you ought to know what is being said of her.”
The mention of dinner erased Miss Stepney's last doubts. “I don’t understand why I’m being blamed for enjoying telling you about Lily. I was certain I wouldn’t get any appreciation for it,” she shot back with anger. “But I still have some family loyalty, and since you’re the only one with any influence over Lily, I thought you should hear what people are saying about her.”
“Well,” said Mrs. Peniston, “what I complain of is that you haven’t told me yet what IS being said.”
“Well,” Mrs. Peniston said, “what I’m complaining about is that you still haven’t told me what’s being said.”
“I didn’t suppose I should have to put it so plainly. People say that Gus Trenor pays her bills.”
"I didn't think I needed to say it so clearly. People say that Gus Trenor covers her expenses."
“Pays her bills—her bills?” Mrs. Peniston broke into a laugh. “I can’t imagine where you can have picked up such rubbish. Lily has her own income—and I provide for her very handsomely—”
“Pays her bills—her bills?” Mrs. Peniston burst out laughing. “I can’t imagine where you got that idea. Lily has her own income—and I take care of her very well—”
“Oh, we all know that,” interposed Miss Stepney drily. “But Lily wears a great many smart gowns—”
“Oh, we all know that,” Miss Stepney interjected dryly. “But Lily has a lot of stylish dresses—”
“I like her to be well-dressed—it’s only suitable!”
“I want her to be well-dressed—it’s just the right thing to do!”
“Certainly; but then there are her gambling debts besides.”
“Sure; but then there are her gambling debts too.”
Miss Stepney, in the beginning, had not meant to bring up this point; but Mrs. Peniston had only her own incredulity to blame. She was like the stiff-necked unbelievers of Scripture, who must be annihilated to be convinced.
Miss Stepney initially didn't intend to raise this issue, but Mrs. Peniston could only blame her own disbelief. She was like the stubborn nonbelievers in the Scriptures, who need to be destroyed to be convinced.
“Gambling debts? Lily?” Mrs. Peniston’s voice shook with anger and bewilderment. She wondered whether Grace Stepney had gone out of her mind. “What do you mean by her gambling debts?”
“Gambling debts? Lily?” Mrs. Peniston’s voice trembled with anger and confusion. She questioned if Grace Stepney had lost her sanity. “What do you mean by her gambling debts?”
“Simply that if one plays bridge for money in Lily’s set one is liable to lose a great deal—and I don’t suppose Lily always wins.”
“Basically, if you play bridge for cash with Lily’s group, you could end up losing a lot—and I doubt Lily always comes out on top.”
“Who told you that my niece played cards for money?”
“Who told you that my niece gambled with cards?”
“Mercy, cousin Julia, don’t look at me as if I were trying to turn you against Lily! Everybody knows she is crazy about bridge. Mrs. Gryce told me herself that it was her gambling that frightened Percy Gryce—it seems he was really taken with her at first. But, of course, among Lily’s friends it’s quite the custom for girls to play for money. In fact, people are inclined to excuse her on that account——”
“Come on, cousin Julia, don’t look at me like I’m trying to turn you against Lily! Everyone knows she’s really into bridge. Mrs. Gryce told me herself that it was her gambling that scared Percy Gryce away—it seems he was actually into her at first. But, of course, among Lily’s friends, it’s totally normal for girls to play for money. In fact, people tend to let her off the hook because of that——”
“To excuse her for what?”
"Why should she be excused?"
“For being hard up—and accepting attentions from men like Gus Trenor—and George Dorset——”
“For being short on cash—and accepting attention from guys like Gus Trenor—and George Dorset——”
Mrs. Peniston gave another cry. “George Dorset? Is there any one else? I should like to know the worst, if you please.”
Mrs. Peniston let out another gasp. “George Dorset? Is there anyone else? I’d like to know the worst, if you don’t mind.”
“Don’t put it in that way, cousin Julia. Lately Lily has been a good deal with the Dorsets, and he seems to admire her—but of course that’s only natural. And I’m sure there is no truth in the horrid things people say; but she HAS been spending a great deal of money this winter. Evie Van Osburgh was at Celeste’s ordering her trousseau the other day—yes, the marriage takes place next month—and she told me that Celeste showed her the most exquisite things she was just sending home to Lily. And people say that Judy Trenor has quarrelled with her on account of Gus; but I’m sure I’m sorry I spoke, though I only meant it as a kindness.”
“Don’t say it like that, cousin Julia. Lately, Lily has been spending a lot of time with the Dorsets, and he really seems to admire her—but that's only natural. I'm sure there's no truth to the awful things people are saying; but she HAS been spending a lot of money this winter. Evie Van Osburgh was at Celeste’s the other day ordering her trousseau—yes, the wedding is happening next month—and she told me that Celeste showed her the most beautiful items she was just sending home to Lily. People say that Judy Trenor has had a falling out with her because of Gus; but I’m really sorry I brought it up, even though I only meant it as a kindness.”
Mrs. Peniston’s genuine incredulity enabled her to dismiss Miss Stepney with a disdain which boded ill for that lady’s prospect of succeeding to the black brocade; but minds impenetrable to reason have generally some crack through which suspicion filters, and her visitor’s insinuations did not glide off as easily as she had expected. Mrs. Peniston disliked scenes, and her determination to avoid them had always led her to hold herself aloof from the details of Lily’s life. In her youth, girls had not been supposed to require close supervision. They were generally assumed to be taken up with the legitimate business of courtship and marriage, and interference in such affairs on the part of their natural guardians was considered as unwarrantable as a spectator’s suddenly joining in a game. There had of course been “fast” girls even in Mrs. Peniston’s early experience; but their fastness, at worst, was understood to be a mere excess of animal spirits, against which there could be no graver charge than that of being “unladylike.” The modern fastness appeared synonymous with immorality, and the mere idea of immorality was as offensive to Mrs. Peniston as a smell of cooking in the drawing-room: it was one of the conceptions her mind refused to admit.
Mrs. Peniston's genuine disbelief allowed her to dismiss Miss Stepney with a contempt that didn’t bode well for that lady's chances of inheriting the black brocade; however, minds that are closed off to logic often have some crack where doubt seeps in, and her visitor's insinuations didn’t slide off as easily as she had anticipated. Mrs. Peniston disliked drama, and her determination to avoid it had always kept her distant from the details of Lily’s life. When she was younger, girls weren’t thought to need close supervision. It was generally assumed they were focused on the legitimate pursuits of courtship and marriage, and interference from their guardians was seen as as unwarranted as a spectator suddenly joining a game. Of course, there had been "fast" girls even in Mrs. Peniston’s early days; but their fastness, at worst, was seen as just an overflow of youthful energy, with no graver accusation than being “unladylike.” The modern version of being fast seemed to be synonymous with immorality, and the mere thought of immorality was as offensive to Mrs. Peniston as the smell of cooking in the drawing room: it was a concept her mind refused to accept.
She had no immediate intention of repeating to Lily what she had heard, or even of trying to ascertain its truth by means of discreet interrogation. To do so might be to provoke a scene; and a scene, in the shaken state of Mrs. Peniston’s nerves, with the effects of her dinner not worn off, and her mind still tremulous with new impressions, was a risk she deemed it her duty to avoid. But there remained in her thoughts a settled deposit of resentment against her niece, all the denser because it was not to be cleared by explanation or discussion. It was horrible of a young girl to let herself be talked about; however unfounded the charges against her, she must be to blame for their having been made. Mrs. Peniston felt as if there had been a contagious illness in the house, and she was doomed to sit shivering among her contaminated furniture.
She had no plans to tell Lily what she had heard, or even to try to find out if it was true through discreet questioning. Doing so might cause a scene, and with Mrs. Peniston's nerves already frayed, the effects of her dinner still lingering, and her mind still reeling from new impressions, she felt it was best to avoid that risk. However, she couldn’t shake off a deep-seated resentment towards her niece, which only grew stronger because it couldn’t be resolved through explanation or discussion. It was awful for a young girl to let herself be the topic of conversation; no matter how baseless the accusations were, she must take some blame for them being made. Mrs. Peniston felt like there was a contagious illness in the house, and she was doomed to sit shivering among her tainted furniture.
Chapter 12
Miss Bart had in fact been treading a devious way, and none of her critics could have been more alive to the fact than herself; but she had a fatalistic sense of being drawn from one wrong turning to another, without ever perceiving the right road till it was too late to take it.
Miss Bart had actually been navigating a complicated path, and none of her critics were more aware of this than she was; but she felt a sense of inevitability, being pulled from one wrong turn to another, never realizing the right path until it was too late to choose it.
Lily, who considered herself above narrow prejudices, had not imagined that the fact of letting Gus Trenor make a little money for her would ever disturb her self-complacency. And the fact in itself still seemed harmless enough; only it was a fertile source of harmful complications. As she exhausted the amusement of spending the money these complications became more pressing, and Lily, whose mind could be severely logical in tracing the causes of her ill-luck to others, justified herself by the thought that she owed all her troubles to the enmity of Bertha Dorset. This enmity, however, had apparently expired in a renewal of friendliness between the two women. Lily’s visit to the Dorsets had resulted, for both, in the discovery that they could be of use to each other; and the civilized instinct finds a subtler pleasure in making use of its antagonist than in confounding him. Mrs. Dorset was, in fact, engaged in a new sentimental experiment, of which Mrs. Fisher’s late property, Ned Silverton, was the rosy victim; and at such moments, as Judy Trenor had once remarked, she felt a peculiar need of distracting her husband’s attention. Dorset was as difficult to amuse as a savage; but even his self-engrossment was not proof against Lily’s arts, or rather these were especially adapted to soothe an uneasy egoism. Her experience with Percy Gryce stood her in good stead in ministering to Dorset’s humours, and if the incentive to please was less urgent, the difficulties of her situation were teaching her to make much of minor opportunities.
Lily, who thought of herself as above petty biases, never imagined that allowing Gus Trenor to make a little money for her would ever shake her self-satisfaction. The fact itself still seemed harmless enough; but it became a breeding ground for damaging complications. As she ran out of fun from spending that money, these complications became more urgent, and Lily, who could logically trace her bad luck back to others, convinced herself that all her troubles came from Bertha Dorset's hostility. However, this hostility seemed to have faded as both women found a new friendship. Lily’s visit to the Dorsets led them to realize that they could benefit from each other; and civilized instincts often find a more refined pleasure in using their adversaries than in defeating them. Mrs. Dorset was, in fact, involved in a new romantic endeavor, and Ned Silverton, the wealthy man from Mrs. Fisher’s estate, was the unsuspecting target; and, as Judy Trenor once pointed out, Mrs. Dorset often felt a peculiar need to redirect her husband’s focus. Dorset was as hard to entertain as a wild man; but even his self-absorption couldn’t resist Lily’s charm, which was particularly suited to calm his restless ego. Her past experience with Percy Gryce helped her handle Dorset’s moods, and even if her motivation to please wasn’t as strong, the challenges of her situation were teaching her to make the most of small chances.
Intimacy with the Dorsets was not likely to lessen such difficulties on the material side. Mrs. Dorset had none of Judy Trenor’s lavish impulses, and Dorset’s admiration was not likely to express itself in financial “tips,” even had Lily cared to renew her experiences in that line. What she required, for the moment, of the Dorsets’ friendship, was simply its social sanction. She knew that people were beginning to talk of her; but this fact did not alarm her as it had alarmed Mrs. Peniston. In her set such gossip was not unusual, and a handsome girl who flirted with a married man was merely assumed to be pressing to the limit of her opportunities. It was Trenor himself who frightened her. Their walk in the Park had not been a success. Trenor had married young, and since his marriage his intercourse with women had not taken the form of the sentimental small-talk which doubles upon itself like the paths in a maze. He was first puzzled and then irritated to find himself always led back to the same starting-point, and Lily felt that she was gradually losing control of the situation. Trenor was in truth in an unmanageable mood. In spite of his understanding with Rosedale he had been somewhat heavily “touched” by the fall in stocks; his household expenses weighed on him, and he seemed to be meeting, on all sides, a sullen opposition to his wishes, instead of the easy good luck he had hitherto encountered.
Being close to the Dorsets probably wouldn't help her financially. Mrs. Dorset didn't have any of Judy Trenor's extravagant tendencies, and Dorset was unlikely to show his admiration with financial "gifts," even if Lily wanted to go down that road again. What she needed from the Dorsets’ friendship right now was just their social approval. She was aware that people were starting to gossip about her, but this didn’t scare her like it had Mrs. Peniston. In her social circle, gossip was common, and a pretty girl flirting with a married man was simply seen as taking advantage of her chances. It was Trenor who truly worried her. Their stroll in the Park hadn’t gone well. Trenor had married young, and since then, his interactions with women had lacked the kind of sentimental small talk that goes in circles like a maze. He was initially confused and then annoyed to find himself repeatedly back at the same starting point, and Lily sensed that she was slowly losing control of the situation. Trenor was genuinely in a tough mood. Despite his arrangement with Rosedale, he had been hit pretty hard by the drop in stocks; his household expenses were weighing him down, and he seemed to be facing a stubborn resistance to his wishes from every direction, instead of the effortless luck he had enjoyed before.
Mrs. Trenor was still at Bellomont, keeping the town-house open, and descending on it now and then for a taste of the world, but preferring the recurrent excitement of week-end parties to the restrictions of a dull season. Since the holidays she had not urged Lily to return to Bellomont, and the first time they met in town Lily fancied there was a shade of coldness in her manner. Was it merely the expression of her displeasure at Miss Bart’s neglect, or had disquieting rumours reached her? The latter contingency seemed improbable, yet Lily was not without a sense of uneasiness. If her roaming sympathies had struck root anywhere, it was in her friendship with Judy Trenor. She believed in the sincerity of her friend’s affection, though it sometimes showed itself in self-interested ways, and she shrank with peculiar reluctance from any risk of estranging it. But, aside from this, she was keenly conscious of the way in which such an estrangement would react on herself. The fact that Gus Trenor was Judy’s husband was at times Lily’s strongest reason for disliking him, and for resenting the obligation under which he had placed her. To set her doubts at rest, Miss Bart, soon after the New Year, “proposed” herself for a week-end at Bellomont. She had learned in advance that the presence of a large party would protect her from too great assiduity on Trenor’s part, and his wife’s telegraphic “come by all means” seemed to assure her of her usual welcome.
Mrs. Trenor was still at Bellomont, keeping the townhouse open and occasionally dropping by for a taste of the social scene, but she preferred the ongoing excitement of weekend parties to the monotony of a dull season. Since the holidays, she hadn’t pushed Lily to come back to Bellomont, and the first time they ran into each other in town, Lily sensed a hint of coolness in her demeanor. Was it just her displeasure at Miss Bart's neglect, or had unsettling rumors reached her? The latter seemed unlikely, yet Lily felt uneasy. If her wandering affections had taken root anywhere, it was in her friendship with Judy Trenor. She believed in the genuine affection from her friend, even if it sometimes manifested in self-serving ways, and she was particularly hesitant to risk alienating it. Beyond that, she was acutely aware of how such a rift would affect her. The fact that Gus Trenor was Judy’s husband was occasionally Lily’s strongest reason to dislike him and resent the way he had obligated her. To ease her doubts, Miss Bart, soon after the New Year, “proposed” a weekend at Bellomont. She had found out beforehand that a large gathering would protect her from too much attention from Trenor, and his wife’s telegraphic “come by all means” seemed to guarantee her usual welcome.
Judy received her amicably. The cares of a large party always prevailed over personal feelings, and Lily saw no change in her hostess’s manner. Nevertheless, she was soon aware that the experiment of coming to Bellomont was destined not to be successful. The party was made up of what Mrs. Trenor called “poky people”—her generic name for persons who did not play bridge—and, it being her habit to group all such obstructionists in one class, she usually invited them together, regardless of their other characteristics. The result was apt to be an irreducible combination of persons having no other quality in common than their abstinence from bridge, and the antagonisms developed in a group lacking the one taste which might have amalgamated them, were in this case aggravated by bad weather, and by the ill-concealed boredom of their host and hostess. In such emergencies, Judy would usually have turned to Lily to fuse the discordant elements; and Miss Bart, assuming that such a service was expected of her, threw herself into it with her accustomed zeal. But at the outset she perceived a subtle resistance to her efforts. If Mrs. Trenor’s manner toward her was unchanged, there was certainly a faint coldness in that of the other ladies. An occasional caustic allusion to “your friends the Wellington Brys,” or to “the little Jew who has bought the Greiner house—some one told us you knew him, Miss Bart,”—showed Lily that she was in disfavour with that portion of society which, while contributing least to its amusement, has assumed the right to decide what forms that amusement shall take. The indication was a slight one, and a year ago Lily would have smiled at it, trusting to the charm of her personality to dispel any prejudice against her. But now she had grown more sensitive to criticism and less confident in her power of disarming it. She knew, moreover, that if the ladies at Bellomont permitted themselves to criticize her friends openly, it was a proof that they were not afraid of subjecting her to the same treatment behind her back. The nervous dread lest anything in Trenor’s manner should seem to justify their disapproval made her seek every pretext for avoiding him, and she left Bellomont conscious of having failed in every purpose which had taken her there.
Judy welcomed her warmly. The demands of hosting a big party always overshadowed personal feelings, and Lily noticed no change in her hostess's behavior. Still, she quickly realized that her visit to Bellomont was unlikely to be successful. The guest list included what Mrs. Trenor referred to as “boring people”—her term for those who didn’t play bridge—and since she tended to group all such “obstructionists” together, she usually invited them at the same time, ignoring their other traits. This often resulted in a mix of individuals who had nothing in common except their refusal to play bridge, and the tensions that arose in a group lacking a shared interest were worsened by bad weather and the obvious boredom of their hosts. In situations like this, Judy would typically turn to Lily to help bring harmony among the guests, and assuming that sorting things out was her role, Miss Bart engaged with her usual enthusiasm. However, she soon sensed a subtle resistance to her attempts. While Mrs. Trenor's attitude towards her remained unchanged, there was definitely a slight chill from the other women. Occasional sharp remarks about “your friends the Wellington Brys” or about “the little Jew who bought the Greiner house—someone told us you know him, Miss Bart,” indicated to Lily that she was not in good standing with this segment of society, which, despite contributing little to its enjoyment, took it upon themselves to dictate what that enjoyment should entail. This was a minor signal, and a year ago Lily would have laughed it off, confident that her charm could overcome any bias against her. But now she had become more sensitive to criticism and less sure of her ability to defuse it. She also understood that if the women at Bellomont felt free to openly criticize her friends, it meant they weren’t worried about doing the same to her behind her back. The anxious fear that anything in Trenor’s behavior could validate their disapproval made her look for any excuse to avoid him, and she left Bellomont aware that she had failed in all the aims that had brought her there.
In town she returned to preoccupations which, for the moment, had the happy effect of banishing troublesome thoughts. The Welly Brys, after much debate, and anxious counsel with their newly-acquired friends, had decided on the bold move of giving a general entertainment. To attack society collectively, when one’s means of approach are limited to a few acquaintances, is like advancing into a strange country with an insufficient number of scouts; but such rash tactics have sometimes led to brilliant victories, and the Brys had determined to put their fate to the touch. Mrs. Fisher, to whom they had entrusted the conduct of the affair, had decided that TABLEAUX VIVANTS and expensive music were the two baits most likely to attract the desired prey, and after prolonged negotiations, and the kind of wire-pulling in which she was known to excel, she had induced a dozen fashionable women to exhibit themselves in a series of pictures which, by a farther miracle of persuasion, the distinguished portrait painter, Paul Morpeth, had been prevailed upon to organize.
In town, she returned to distractions that, for the time being, successfully kept annoying thoughts at bay. The Welly Brys, after a lot of discussion and worried conversations with their newly-acquired friends, decided to take the bold step of throwing a general event. Trying to engage society as a whole, when your connections are limited to just a few acquaintances, is like venturing into a foreign land with too few scouts; however, such reckless strategies have sometimes led to stunning successes, and the Brys were ready to risk it all. Mrs. Fisher, whom they had put in charge of the event, chose that LIVING PICTURES and fancy music were the best ways to attract the right crowd, and after lengthy negotiations and her usual behind-the-scenes maneuvering, she convinced a dozen stylish women to showcase themselves in a series of tableaux, which, by another stroke of luck, the renowned portrait artist, Paul Morpeth, agreed to organize.
Lily was in her element on such occasions. Under Morpeth’s guidance her vivid plastic sense, hitherto nurtured on no higher food than dress-making and upholstery, found eager expression in the disposal of draperies, the study of attitudes, the shifting of lights and shadows. Her dramatic instinct was roused by the choice of subjects, and the gorgeous reproductions of historic dress stirred an imagination which only visual impressions could reach. But keenest of all was the exhilaration of displaying her own beauty under a new aspect: of showing that her loveliness was no mere fixed quality, but an element shaping all emotions to fresh forms of grace.
Lily thrived in situations like these. With Morpeth’s guidance, her vibrant creative talent, previously limited to dress-making and upholstery, eagerly expressed itself in arranging drapes, studying poses, and manipulating lights and shadows. Her dramatic instincts were sparked by the selection of subjects, and the stunning reproductions of historical clothing ignited an imagination that only visual experiences could inspire. But what excited her most was the thrill of showcasing her own beauty in a new way: proving that her attractiveness wasn’t just a static trait, but a force that reshaped emotions into new forms of grace.
Mrs. Fisher’s measures had been well-taken, and society, surprised in a dull moment, succumbed to the temptation of Mrs. Bry’s hospitality. The protesting minority were forgotten in the throng which abjured and came; and the audience was almost as brilliant as the show.
Mrs. Fisher's plans had been effective, and society, caught off guard during a quiet time, gave in to the allure of Mrs. Bry's hospitality. The few who protested were overshadowed by the crowd that embraced the invitation; and the audience was nearly as dazzling as the performance itself.
Lawrence Selden was among those who had yielded to the proffered inducements. If he did not often act on the accepted social axiom that a man may go where he pleases, it was because he had long since learned that his pleasures were mainly to be found in a small group of the like-minded. But he enjoyed spectacular effects, and was not insensible to the part money plays in their production: all he asked was that the very rich should live up to their calling as stage-managers, and not spend their money in a dull way. This the Brys could certainly not be charged with doing. Their recently built house, whatever it might lack as a frame for domesticity, was almost as well-designed for the display of a festal assemblage as one of those airy pleasure-halls which the Italian architects improvised to set off the hospitality of princes. The air of improvisation was in fact strikingly present: so recent, so rapidly-evoked was the whole MISE-EN-SCENE that one had to touch the marble columns to learn they were not of cardboard, to seat one’s self in one of the damask-and-gold arm-chairs to be sure it was not painted against the wall.
Lawrence Selden was one of those who had given in to the tempting offers. He didn’t often act on the common belief that a man can go wherever he wants, mainly because he had learned long ago that his true enjoyment came from a small circle of like-minded friends. However, he appreciated grand displays and recognized the role money plays in creating them. All he wanted was for the wealthy to live up to their role as hosts and not waste their money in boring ways. The Brys certainly couldn’t be accused of that. Their newly built house, despite its lack of a cozy, homey feel, was almost as well-designed for hosting a festive gathering as one of those elegant halls the Italian architects would create for royal hospitality. The sense of spontaneity was quite evident: the entire setup was so new and hastily arranged that you had to touch the marble columns to believe they weren’t made of cardboard and sit in one of the damask-and-gold armchairs to confirm it wasn’t just a painted backdrop.
Selden, who had put one of these seats to the test, found himself, from an angle of the ball-room, surveying the scene with frank enjoyment. The company, in obedience to the decorative instinct which calls for fine clothes in fine surroundings, had dressed rather with an eye to Mrs. Bry’s background than to herself. The seated throng, filling the immense room without undue crowding, presented a surface of rich tissues and jewelled shoulders in harmony with the festooned and gilded walls, and the flushed splendours of the Venetian ceiling. At the farther end of the room a stage had been constructed behind a proscenium arch curtained with folds of old damask; but in the pause before the parting of the folds there was little thought of what they might reveal, for every woman who had accepted Mrs. Bry’s invitation was engaged in trying to find out how many of her friends had done the same.
Selden, who had tried one of these seats, found himself, from a corner of the ballroom, enjoying the scene with genuine pleasure. The guests, following the instinct to dress elegantly in nice surroundings, had chosen their outfits more for Mrs. Bry's environment than for her. The seated crowd, filling the vast room without feeling overcrowded, created a stunning display of luxurious fabrics and jeweled shoulders that matched the festooned and gilded walls, along with the vibrant beauty of the Venetian ceiling. At the far end of the room, a stage had been set up behind a proscenium arch draped with folds of old damask; however, in the moment before the curtains parted, no one was thinking about what might be revealed, as every woman who accepted Mrs. Bry's invitation was busy trying to figure out how many of her friends had done the same.
Gerty Farish, seated next to Selden, was lost in that indiscriminate and uncritical enjoyment so irritating to Miss Bart’s finer perceptions. It may be that Selden’s nearness had something to do with the quality of his cousin’s pleasure; but Miss Farish was so little accustomed to refer her enjoyment of such scenes to her own share in them, that she was merely conscious of a deeper sense of contentment.
Gerty Farish, sitting next to Selden, was caught up in that random, uncritical enjoyment that really bothered Miss Bart’s more refined sensibilities. It’s possible that Selden’s closeness influenced how much joy his cousin felt; however, Miss Farish was so unaccustomed to connecting her enjoyment of these moments to her own involvement that she simply felt a deeper sense of happiness.
“Wasn’t it dear of Lily to get me an invitation? Of course it would never have occurred to Carry Fisher to put me on the list, and I should have been so sorry to miss seeing it all—and especially Lily herself. Some one told me the ceiling was by Veronese—you would know, of course, Lawrence. I suppose it’s very beautiful, but his women are so dreadfully fat. Goddesses? Well, I can only say that if they’d been mortals and had to wear corsets, it would have been better for them. I think our women are much handsomer. And this room is wonderfully becoming—every one looks so well! Did you ever see such jewels? Do look at Mrs. George Dorset’s pearls—I suppose the smallest of them would pay the rent of our Girls’ Club for a year. Not that I ought to complain about the club; every one has been so wonderfully kind. Did I tell you that Lily had given us three hundred dollars? Wasn’t it splendid of her? And then she collected a lot of money from her friends—Mrs. Bry gave us five hundred, and Mr. Rosedale a thousand. I wish Lily were not so nice to Mr. Rosedale, but she says it’s no use being rude to him, because he doesn’t see the difference. She really can’t bear to hurt people’s feelings—it makes me so angry when I hear her called cold and conceited! The girls at the club don’t call her that. Do you know she has been there with me twice?—yes, Lily! And you should have seen their eyes! One of them said it was as good as a day in the country just to look at her. And she sat there, and laughed and talked with them—not a bit as if she were being CHARITABLE, you know, but as if she liked it as much as they did. They’ve been asking ever since when she’s coming back; and she’s promised me——oh!”
“Wasn’t it sweet of Lily to get me an invite? Of course, Carry Fisher would never have thought to add me to the list, and I would have been so disappointed to miss everything—especially Lily herself. Someone told me the ceiling was done by Veronese—you know him, right, Lawrence? I suppose it’s really beautiful, but his women are so incredibly heavy. Goddesses? Honestly, if they were mortals and had to wear corsets, it would be better for them. I think our women are much more attractive. And this room is incredibly flattering—everyone looks great! Have you ever seen such jewels? Just look at Mrs. George Dorset’s pearls—I bet the smallest one could pay our Girls’ Club rent for a whole year. Not that I should complain about the club; everyone has been so amazingly generous. Did I mention that Lily donated three hundred dollars to us? Wasn’t that wonderful of her? And then she collected a lot more from her friends—Mrs. Bry gave us five hundred, and Mr. Rosedale a thousand. I wish Lily wasn’t so friendly with Mr. Rosedale, but she says it’s pointless to be rude to him because he doesn’t notice the difference. She really hates to hurt people’s feelings—it makes me so mad when people call her cold and snobby! The girls at the club don’t call her that. Did I tell you she’s been there with me twice? Yes, Lily! And you should have seen their faces! One of them said it was better than a day in the country just to look at her. And she sat there, laughing and chatting with them—not as if she were doing it out of CHARITY, you know, but as if she enjoyed it just as much as they did. They’ve been asking ever since when she’s coming back; and she promised me——oh!”
Miss Farish’s confidences were cut short by the parting of the curtain on the first TABLEAU—a group of nymphs dancing across flower-strewn sward in the rhythmic postures of Botticelli’s Spring. TABLEAUX VIVANTS depend for their effect not only on the happy disposal of lights and the delusive interposition of layers of gauze, but on a corresponding adjustment of the mental vision. To unfurnished minds they remain, in spite of every enhancement of art, only a superior kind of wax-works; but to the responsive fancy they may give magic glimpses of the boundary world between fact and imagination. Selden’s mind was of this order: he could yield to vision-making influences as completely as a child to the spell of a fairy-tale. Mrs. Bry’s TABLEAUX wanted none of the qualities which go to the producing of such illusions, and under Morpeth’s organizing hand the pictures succeeded each other with the rhythmic march of some splendid frieze, in which the fugitive curves of living flesh and the wandering light of young eyes have been subdued to plastic harmony without losing the charm of life.
Miss Farish’s heartfelt confessions were interrupted by the opening of the curtain on the first TABLEAU—a group of nymphs dancing over a flower-strewn lawn in the graceful poses of Botticelli’s Spring. TABLEAUX VIVANTS depend not just on skillful lighting and the clever use of layers of gauze, but also on a shift in how we see things. To untrained minds, they remain, despite all artistic enhancements, just a fancy version of wax figures; but to those who can engage their imagination, they offer magical glimpses into the borderland between reality and fantasy. Selden’s mind was of this kind: he could be enchanted by visual storytelling as fully as a child is by a fairy tale. Mrs. Bry’s TABLEAUX lacked none of the elements needed to create such illusions, and under Morpeth’s careful direction, the scenes flowed one into another like the rhythmic progression of a magnificent frieze, where the fleeting curves of living bodies and the wandering light in youthful eyes were smoothed into artistic harmony without losing the essence of life.
The scenes were taken from old pictures, and the participators had been cleverly fitted with characters suited to their types. No one, for instance, could have made a more typical Goya than Carry Fisher, with her short dark-skinned face, the exaggerated glow of her eyes, the provocation of her frankly-painted smile. A brilliant Miss Smedden from Brooklyn showed to perfection the sumptuous curves of Titian’s Daughter, lifting her gold salver laden with grapes above the harmonizing gold of rippled hair and rich brocade, and a young Mrs. Van Alstyne, who showed the frailer Dutch type, with high blue-veined forehead and pale eyes and lashes, made a characteristic Vandyck, in black satin, against a curtained archway. Then there were Kauffmann nymphs garlanding the altar of Love; a Veronese supper, all sheeny textures, pearl-woven heads and marble architecture; and a Watteau group of lute-playing comedians, lounging by a fountain in a sunlit glade.
The scenes were drawn from old pictures, and the participants were cleverly dressed in characters that fit their types. For example, no one could have embodied Goya more perfectly than Carry Fisher, with her short dark-skinned face, the striking brightness of her eyes, and the boldness of her painted smile. A stunning Miss Smedden from Brooklyn embodied the luscious curves of Titian’s Daughter, lifting her gold tray filled with grapes above her flowing golden hair and rich brocade. Meanwhile, a young Mrs. Van Alstyne represented the delicate Dutch style, with her high blue-veined forehead and light eyes and lashes, creating a typical Vandyck look in black satin against a draped archway. There were also Kauffmann nymphs adorning the altar of Love; a Veronese feast, with shiny textures, pearl-like heads, and marble architecture; and a Watteau group of lute-playing comedians, lounging by a fountain in a sun-drenched glade.
Each evanescent picture touched the vision-building faculty in Selden, leading him so far down the vistas of fancy that even Gerty Farish’s running commentary—“Oh, how lovely Lulu Melson looks!” or: “That must be Kate Corby, to the right there, in purple”—did not break the spell of the illusion. Indeed, so skilfully had the personality of the actors been subdued to the scenes they figured in that even the least imaginative of the audience must have felt a thrill of contrast when the curtain suddenly parted on a picture which was simply and undisguisedly the portrait of Miss Bart.
Each fleeting image captured Selden's imagination, taking him deep into the realms of fantasy, so much so that even Gerty Farish’s comments—“Oh, how lovely Lulu Melson looks!” or “That must be Kate Corby over there, in purple”—couldn't break the spell. In fact, the actors' personalities were so skillfully blended into their scenes that even the least imaginative audience members must have felt a jolt of contrast when the curtain suddenly lifted to reveal a straightforward and unfiltered portrait of Miss Bart.
Here there could be no mistaking the predominance of personality—the unanimous “Oh!” of the spectators was a tribute, not to the brush-work of Reynolds’s “Mrs. Lloyd” but to the flesh and blood loveliness of Lily Bart. She had shown her artistic intelligence in selecting a type so like her own that she could embody the person represented without ceasing to be herself. It was as though she had stepped, not out of, but into, Reynolds’s canvas, banishing the phantom of his dead beauty by the beams of her living grace. The impulse to show herself in a splendid setting—she had thought for a moment of representing Tiepolo’s Cleopatra—had yielded to the truer instinct of trusting to her unassisted beauty, and she had purposely chosen a picture without distracting accessories of dress or surroundings. Her pale draperies, and the background of foliage against which she stood, served only to relieve the long dryad-like curves that swept upward from her poised foot to her lifted arm. The noble buoyancy of her attitude, its suggestion of soaring grace, revealed the touch of poetry in her beauty that Selden always felt in her presence, yet lost the sense of when he was not with her. Its expression was now so vivid that for the first time he seemed to see before him the real Lily Bart, divested of the trivialities of her little world, and catching for a moment a note of that eternal harmony of which her beauty was a part.
Here, there was no doubt about the impact of personality—the collective “Oh!” from the audience was a tribute, not to Reynolds’s brushwork in “Mrs. Lloyd,” but to the living beauty of Lily Bart. She had shown her artistic sensibility by choosing a type so similar to her own that she could embody the person being represented without losing herself. It was as if she had stepped not out of, but into, Reynolds’s canvas, dispelling the ghost of his faded beauty with the radiance of her own grace. The urge to present herself in a grand setting—she had briefly considered portraying Tiepolo’s Cleopatra—gave way to the more genuine instinct of relying on her own natural beauty, and she had intentionally chosen a portrait without distracting elements of clothing or surroundings. Her pale draperies and the leafy background only highlighted the long, graceful lines that flowed from her poised foot to her raised arm. The noble lightness of her stance and its suggestion of elegance revealed the poetic element in her beauty that Selden always sensed when he was near her, but lost when they were apart. Its expression was now so striking that for the first time, he seemed to see the real Lily Bart, stripped of the trivialities of her small world, momentarily capturing a glimpse of the eternal harmony of which her beauty was a part.
“Deuced bold thing to show herself in that get-up; but, gad, there isn’t a break in the lines anywhere, and I suppose she wanted us to know it!”
“Such a bold move to show up in that outfit; but, wow, there isn’t a flaw in the lines anywhere, and I guess she wanted us to notice it!”
These words, uttered by that experienced connoisseur, Mr. Ned Van Alstyne, whose scented white moustache had brushed Selden’s shoulder whenever the parting of the curtains presented any exceptional opportunity for the study of the female outline, affected their hearer in an unexpected way. It was not the first time that Selden had heard Lily’s beauty lightly remarked on, and hitherto the tone of the comments had imperceptibly coloured his view of her. But now it woke only a motion of indignant contempt. This was the world she lived in, these were the standards by which she was fated to be measured! Does one go to Caliban for a judgment on Miranda?
These words, spoken by the experienced connoisseur, Mr. Ned Van Alstyne, whose scented white mustache had brushed against Selden’s shoulder whenever the curtains parted to offer a unique view of the female form, impacted Selden in an unexpected way. It wasn’t the first time he had heard comments about Lily’s beauty, and until now, those comments had subtly influenced his perception of her. But now, they only stirred feelings of indignant contempt within him. This was the world she was part of, and these were the standards by which she was destined to be judged! Can you really turn to Caliban for an opinion on Miranda?
In the long moment before the curtain fell, he had time to feel the whole tragedy of her life. It was as though her beauty, thus detached from all that cheapened and vulgarized it, had held out suppliant hands to him from the world in which he and she had once met for a moment, and where he felt an overmastering longing to be with her again.
In the long moment before the curtain fell, he had time to feel the entire tragedy of her life. It was as if her beauty, separated from everything that cheapened and made it vulgar, had reached out to him with pleading hands from the world where they had once met for a brief moment, and where he felt an overwhelming desire to be with her again.
He was roused by the pressure of ecstatic fingers. “Wasn’t she too beautiful, Lawrence? Don’t you like her best in that simple dress? It makes her look like the real Lily—the Lily I know.”
He was awakened by the touch of excited fingers. “Wasn’t she too beautiful, Lawrence? Don’t you like her best in that simple dress? It makes her look like the real Lily—the Lily I know.”
He met Gerty Farish’s brimming gaze. “The Lily we know,” he corrected; and his cousin, beaming at the implied understanding, exclaimed joyfully: “I’ll tell her that! She always says you dislike her.”
He met Gerty Farish’s lively gaze. “The Lily we know,” he corrected; and his cousin, smiling at the shared understanding, exclaimed joyfully: “I’ll tell her that! She always says you don’t like her.”
The performance over, Selden’s first impulse was to seek Miss Bart. During the interlude of music which succeeded the TABLEAUX, the actors had seated themselves here and there in the audience, diversifying its conventional appearance by the varied picturesqueness of their dress. Lily, however, was not among them, and her absence served to protract the effect she had produced on Selden: it would have broken the spell to see her too soon in the surroundings from which accident had so happily detached her. They had not met since the day of the Van Osburgh wedding, and on his side the avoidance had been intentional. Tonight, however, he knew that, sooner or later, he should find himself at her side; and though he let the dispersing crowd drift him whither it would, without making an immediate effort to reach her, his procrastination was not due to any lingering resistance, but to the desire to luxuriate a moment in the sense of complete surrender.
After the performance, Selden’s first instinct was to look for Miss Bart. During the music interlude that followed the TABLEAUX, the actors settled themselves here and there among the audience, adding a touch of variety to the usual scene with their colorful costumes. However, Lily was not among them, and her absence prolonged the impression she had made on Selden: seeing her too soon in the setting from which chance had so wonderfully separated her would have broken the spell. They hadn't met since the day of the Van Osburgh wedding, and he had intentionally avoided her since then. Tonight, though, he knew he would eventually find himself next to her; and while he allowed the crowd to carry him wherever it pleased, without rushing to get to her, his delay was not due to any lingering resistance but rather a wish to savor the feeling of complete surrender for a moment.
Lily had not an instant’s doubt as to the meaning of the murmur greeting her appearance. No other tableau had been received with that precise note of approval: it had obviously been called forth by herself, and not by the picture she impersonated. She had feared at the last moment that she was risking too much in dispensing with the advantages of a more sumptuous setting, and the completeness of her triumph gave her an intoxicating sense of recovered power. Not caring to diminish the impression she had produced, she held herself aloof from the audience till the movement of dispersal before supper, and thus had a second opportunity of showing herself to advantage, as the throng poured slowly into the empty drawing-room where she was standing.
Lily had no doubt about the meaning of the murmurs that greeted her appearance. No other scene had been met with that exact kind of approval; it was clearly directed at her and not the image she was portraying. She had worried at the last moment that she was risking too much by forgoing a more lavish setting, and the completeness of her success gave her a thrilling sense of regained power. Not wanting to lessen the impact she had made, she kept her distance from the audience until they started to disperse for supper, giving her another chance to present herself well as the crowd moved slowly into the empty drawing-room where she was standing.
She was soon the centre of a group which increased and renewed itself as the circulation became general, and the individual comments on her success were a delightful prolongation of the collective applause. At such moments she lost something of her natural fastidiousness, and cared less for the quality of the admiration received than for its quantity. Differences of personality were merged in a warm atmosphere of praise, in which her beauty expanded like a flower in sunlight; and if Selden had approached a moment or two sooner he would have seen her turning on Ned Van Alstyne and George Dorset the look he had dreamed of capturing for himself.
She quickly became the center of a group that kept growing and renewing itself as word spread, and the individual compliments about her success were a wonderful extension of the collective applause. In those moments, she let go of some of her usual pickiness and cared more about how much admiration she received rather than its quality. Personal differences faded in a warm atmosphere of praise, where her beauty bloomed like a flower in the sunlight; and if Selden had arrived just a moment earlier, he would have seen her giving Ned Van Alstyne and George Dorset the look he had always wished he could capture for himself.
Fortune willed, however, that the hurried approach of Mrs. Fisher, as whose aide-de-camp Van Alstyne was acting, should break up the group before Selden reached the threshold of the room. One or two of the men wandered off in search of their partners for supper, and the others, noticing Selden’s approach, gave way to him in accordance with the tacit freemasonry of the ball-room. Lily was therefore standing alone when he reached her; and finding the expected look in her eye, he had the satisfaction of supposing he had kindled it. The look did indeed deepen as it rested on him, for even in that moment of self-intoxication Lily felt the quicker beat of life that his nearness always produced. She read, too, in his answering gaze the delicious confirmation of her triumph, and for the moment it seemed to her that it was for him only she cared to be beautiful.
However, it was fate that Mrs. Fisher's hurried approach, with Van Alstyne acting as her assistant, interrupted the group before Selden could reach the entrance of the room. A couple of the men wandered off to find their partners for dinner, and the others, noticing Selden coming, naturally made way for him as is customary in the ballroom. Lily was therefore alone when he arrived, and seeing the look she had expected in her eyes, he felt satisfied thinking he had ignited it. The look indeed grew deeper as she focused on him, for even in that moment of self-satisfaction, Lily felt the familiar quickening of her heartbeat that his presence always triggered. She also saw in his responding gaze the sweet confirmation of her triumph, and for a moment, it felt to her like she only wanted to be beautiful for him.
Selden had given her his arm without speaking. She took it in silence, and they moved away, not toward the supper-room, but against the tide which was setting thither. The faces about her flowed by like the streaming images of sleep: she hardly noticed where Selden was leading her, till they passed through a glass doorway at the end of the long suite of rooms and stood suddenly in the fragrant hush of a garden. Gravel grated beneath their feet, and about them was the transparent dimness of a midsummer night. Hanging lights made emerald caverns in the depths of foliage, and whitened the spray of a fountain falling among lilies. The magic place was deserted: there was no sound but the splash of the water on the lily-pads, and a distant drift of music that might have been blown across a sleeping lake.
Selden offered her his arm without saying a word. She accepted it silently, and they walked away, not toward the dining room, but against the crowd heading that way. The faces around her passed by like fleeting images in a dream: she barely noticed where Selden was taking her until they went through a glass door at the end of the long hallway and suddenly found themselves in the fragrant stillness of a garden. Gravel crunched beneath their feet, and they were surrounded by the soft darkness of a midsummer night. Hanging lights created greenish caves in the foliage and illuminated the spray of a fountain cascading among the lilies. The enchanting place was empty: the only sounds were the water splashing on the lily pads and some distant music that seemed to drift across a peaceful lake.
Selden and Lily stood still, accepting the unreality of the scene as a part of their own dream-like sensations. It would not have surprised them to feel a summer breeze on their faces, or to see the lights among the boughs reduplicated in the arch of a starry sky. The strange solitude about them was no stranger than the sweetness of being alone in it together. At length Lily withdrew her hand, and moved away a step, so that her white-robed slimness was outlined against the dusk of the branches. Selden followed her, and still without speaking they seated themselves on a bench beside the fountain.
Selden and Lily stood quietly, accepting the surreal nature of the scene as part of their own dreamlike feelings. They wouldn’t have been surprised to feel a summer breeze on their faces or to see the lights among the branches mirrored in the arch of a starry sky. The odd solitude around them felt no stranger than the sweetness of being alone together. Eventually, Lily pulled her hand away and took a step back, her slim figure in a white robe outlined against the dimness of the branches. Selden followed her, and without saying a word, they sat down on a bench next to the fountain.
Suddenly she raised her eyes with the beseeching earnestness of a child. “You never speak to me—you think hard things of me,” she murmured.
Suddenly, she looked up with the pleading sincerity of a child. “You never talk to me—you think bad things about me,” she whispered.
“I think of you at any rate, God knows!” he said.
“I think about you all the time, believe me!” he said.
“Then why do we never see each other? Why can’t we be friends? You promised once to help me,” she continued in the same tone, as though the words were drawn from her unwillingly.
“Then why don’t we ever see each other? Why can’t we just be friends? You promised once to help me,” she kept saying in the same tone, as if the words were coming out against her will.
“The only way I can help you is by loving you,” Selden said in a low voice.
“The only way I can help you is by loving you,” Selden said softly.
She made no reply, but her face turned to him with the soft motion of a flower. His own met it slowly, and their lips touched. She drew back and rose from her seat. Selden rose too, and they stood facing each other. Suddenly she caught his hand and pressed it a moment against her cheek.
She didn't say anything, but her face turned toward him gently, like a flower. He moved in slowly to meet her gaze, and their lips connected. She pulled away and got up from her seat. Selden got up too, and they stood facing each other. Suddenly, she grabbed his hand and pressed it against her cheek for a moment.
“Ah, love me, love me—but don’t tell me so!” she sighed with her eyes in his; and before he could speak she had turned and slipped through the arch of boughs, disappearing in the brightness of the room beyond.
“Ah, love me, love me—but don’t say it out loud!” she sighed, her gaze locked on his; and before he could respond, she turned and slipped through the arch of branches, vanishing into the light of the room beyond.
Selden stood where she had left him. He knew too well the transiency of exquisite moments to attempt to follow her; but presently he reentered the house and made his way through the deserted rooms to the door. A few sumptuously-cloaked ladies were already gathered in the marble vestibule, and in the coat-room he found Van Alstyne and Gus Trenor.
Selden stood where she had left him. He knew all too well how fleeting exquisite moments can be, so he refrained from trying to follow her; but soon he went back into the house and made his way through the empty rooms to the door. A few elegantly dressed women were already gathered in the marble entrance hall, and in the coatroom, he found Van Alstyne and Gus Trenor.
The former, at Selden’s approach, paused in the careful selection of a cigar from one of the silver boxes invitingly set out near the door.
The former, at Selden's approach, paused in the careful selection of a cigar from one of the silver boxes tempting set out near the door.
“Hallo, Selden, going too? You’re an Epicurean like myself, I see: you don’t want to see all those goddesses gobbling terrapin. Gad, what a show of good-looking women; but not one of ’em could touch that little cousin of mine. Talk of jewels—what’s a woman want with jewels when she’s got herself to show? The trouble is that all these fal-bals they wear cover up their figures when they’ve got ’em. I never knew till tonight what an outline Lily has.”
“Hey, Selden, you’re leaving too? Looks like you’re an Epicurean like me; you don’t want to watch all those goddesses devouring terrapin. Wow, what a display of attractive women; but not one of them could compare to my little cousin. Speaking of jewelry—who needs jewelry when you have a figure like that? The problem is that all those frills they wear hide their shapes when they actually have them. I never realized until tonight what a figure Lily has.”
“It’s not her fault if everybody don’t know it now,” growled Trenor, flushed with the struggle of getting into his fur-lined coat. “Damned bad taste, I call it—no, no cigar for me. You can’t tell what you’re smoking in one of these new houses—likely as not the CHEF buys the cigars. Stay for supper? Not if I know it! When people crowd their rooms so that you can’t get near any one you want to speak to, I’d as soon sup in the elevated at the rush hour. My wife was dead right to stay away: she says life’s too short to spend it in breaking in new people.”
“It’s not her fault if everyone doesn’t know it now,” growled Trenor, his face red from the effort of putting on his fur-lined coat. “I call it really bad taste—no, I’m not having a cigar. You can’t even tell what you’re smoking in these new houses—there’s a good chance the CHEF buys the cigars. Stay for dinner? Not if I can help it! When people pack their rooms so tightly that you can’t get close to anyone you want to talk to, I’d rather eat on the subway during rush hour. My wife was completely right to stay away: she says life’s too short to spend it getting to know new people.”
Chapter 13
Lily woke from happy dreams to find two notes at her bed-side.
Lily woke up from sweet dreams to find two notes by her bedside.
One was from Mrs. Trenor, who announced that she was coming to town that afternoon for a flying visit, and hoped Miss Bart would be able to dine with her. The other was from Selden. He wrote briefly that an important case called him to Albany, whence he would be unable to return till the evening, and asked Lily to let him know at what hour on the following day she would see him.
One was from Mrs. Trenor, who said she was coming to town that afternoon for a quick visit and hoped Miss Bart could join her for dinner. The other was from Selden. He wrote briefly that an important case had come up in Albany, and he wouldn’t be able to return until the evening. He asked Lily to let him know what time the next day she would be able to see him.
Lily, leaning back among her pillows, gazed musingly at his letter. The scene in the Brys’ conservatory had been like a part of her dreams; she had not expected to wake to such evidence of its reality. Her first movement was one of annoyance: this unforeseen act of Selden’s added another complication to life. It was so unlike him to yield to such an irrational impulse! Did he really mean to ask her to marry him? She had once shown him the impossibility of such a hope, and his subsequent behaviour seemed to prove that he had accepted the situation with a reasonableness somewhat mortifying to her vanity. It was all the more agreeable to find that this reasonableness was maintained only at the cost of not seeing her; but, though nothing in life was as sweet as the sense of her power over him, she saw the danger of allowing the episode of the previous night to have a sequel. Since she could not marry him, it would be kinder to him, as well as easier for herself, to write a line amicably evading his request to see her: he was not the man to mistake such a hint, and when next they met it would be on their usual friendly footing.
Lily, leaning back against her pillows, gazed thoughtfully at his letter. The scene in the Brys' conservatory felt like a part of her dreams; she hadn’t expected to wake up to such evidence of its reality. Her first reaction was annoyance: this unexpected move by Selden added another complication to her life. It was so unlike him to give in to such an irrational impulse! Did he really mean to propose to her? She had previously made it clear that such a possibility was impossible, and his behavior afterward seemed to show that he had accepted the situation with a level of reasonableness that slightly bruised her pride. It was even more pleasing to find that this reasonableness was maintained only at the cost of not seeing her; but, while nothing in life felt as sweet as the sense of her power over him, she recognized the risk of letting the previous night’s episode lead to further complications. Since she couldn’t marry him, it would be kinder for him, as well as easier for herself, to write a brief note politely avoiding his request to see her: he wasn’t the type to misinterpret such a hint, and when they next met, it would be in their usual friendly way.
Lily sprang out of bed, and went straight to her desk. She wanted to write at once, while she could trust to the strength of her resolve. She was still languid from her brief sleep and the exhilaration of the evening, and the sight of Selden’s writing brought back the culminating moment of her triumph: the moment when she had read in his eyes that no philosophy was proof against her power. It would be pleasant to have that sensation again . . . no one else could give it to her in its fulness; and she could not bear to mar her mood of luxurious retrospection by an act of definite refusal. She took up her pen and wrote hastily: “TOMORROW AT FOUR;” murmuring to herself, as she slipped the sheet into its envelope: “I can easily put him off when tomorrow comes.”
Lily jumped out of bed and went straight to her desk. She wanted to write right away, while her determination was still strong. She still felt a bit sluggish from her short sleep and the excitement of the evening, and seeing Selden’s writing reminded her of the peak moment of her victory: the moment when she realized that no philosophy could withstand her influence. It would be nice to feel that way again... no one else could give her that feeling completely; and she couldn’t stand to ruin her mood of indulgent reflection by outright refusal. She picked up her pen and quickly wrote: “TOMORROW AT FOUR;” murmuring to herself as she slipped the sheet into the envelope: “I can easily cancel on him when tomorrow comes.”
Judy Trenor’s summons was very welcome to Lily. It was the first time she had received a direct communication from Bellomont since the close of her last visit there, and she was still visited by the dread of having incurred Judy’s displeasure. But this characteristic command seemed to reestablish their former relations; and Lily smiled at the thought that her friend had probably summoned her in order to hear about the Brys’ entertainment. Mrs. Trenor had absented herself from the feast, perhaps for the reason so frankly enunciated by her husband, perhaps because, as Mrs. Fisher somewhat differently put it, she “couldn’t bear new people when she hadn’t discovered them herself.” At any rate, though she remained haughtily at Bellomont, Lily suspected in her a devouring eagerness to hear of what she had missed, and to learn exactly in what measure Mrs. Wellington Bry had surpassed all previous competitors for social recognition. Lily was quite ready to gratify this curiosity, but it happened that she was dining out. She determined, however, to see Mrs. Trenor for a few moments, and ringing for her maid she despatched a telegram to say that she would be with her friend that evening at ten.
Judy Trenor’s invitation was very welcome to Lily. It was the first time she had received a direct message from Bellomont since her last visit, and she was still worried about having upset Judy. But this personal request seemed to restore their previous friendship; Lily smiled at the thought that her friend probably wanted to catch up about the Brys’ party. Mrs. Trenor had skipped the event, maybe for the reason her husband openly stated, or perhaps because, as Mrs. Fisher suggested, she “couldn’t stand new people unless she discovered them first.” Still, even though she stayed proudly at Bellomont, Lily suspected Judy was eager to hear about what she had missed and to find out how much Mrs. Wellington Bry had outshone other contenders for social status. Lily was ready to satisfy this curiosity, but she happened to have dinner plans. However, she decided to meet Mrs. Trenor for a few moments, and after calling her maid, she sent a telegram saying she would be with her friend that evening at ten.
She was dining with Mrs. Fisher, who had gathered at an informal feast a few of the performers of the previous evening. There was to be plantation music in the studio after dinner—for Mrs. Fisher, despairing of the republic, had taken up modelling, and annexed to her small crowded house a spacious apartment, which, whatever its uses in her hours of plastic inspiration, served at other times for the exercise of an indefatigable hospitality. Lily was reluctant to leave, for the dinner was amusing, and she would have liked to lounge over a cigarette and hear a few songs; but she could not break her engagement with Judy, and shortly after ten she asked her hostess to ring for a hansom, and drove up Fifth Avenue to the Trenors’.
She was having dinner with Mrs. Fisher, who had gathered a few performers from the previous evening for an informal feast. After dinner, there would be some plantation music in the studio—Mrs. Fisher, feeling disappointed with the state of the country, had taken up modeling and added a spacious apartment to her small, crowded house. This space, while serving her creative inspiration at times, also doubled as a place for her boundless hospitality. Lily was hesitant to leave because the dinner was enjoyable, and she wanted to relax with a cigarette and listen to a few songs. However, she couldn’t cancel her plans with Judy, so shortly after ten, she asked her hostess to call for a cab and drove up Fifth Avenue to the Trenors’.
She waited long enough on the doorstep to wonder that Judy’s presence in town was not signalized by a greater promptness in admitting her; and her surprise was increased when, instead of the expected footman, pushing his shoulders into a tardy coat, a shabby care-taking person in calico let her into the shrouded hall. Trenor, however, appeared at once on the threshold of the drawing-room, welcoming her with unusual volubility while he relieved her of her cloak and drew her into the room.
She waited on the doorstep long enough to wonder why Judy wasn’t letting her in more quickly, and her surprise grew when, instead of the expected footman putting on his coat, a shabby caretaker in a calico apron opened the door to the dimly lit hall. However, Trenor appeared right away in the drawing-room doorway, greeting her with unexpected enthusiasm as he took her cloak and pulled her into the room.
“Come along to the den; it’s the only comfortable place in the house. Doesn’t this room look as if it was waiting for the body to be brought down? Can’t see why Judy keeps the house wrapped up in this awful slippery white stuff—it’s enough to give a fellow pneumonia to walk through these rooms on a cold day. You look a little pinched yourself, by the way: it’s rather a sharp night out. I noticed it walking up from the club. Come along, and I’ll give you a nip of brandy, and you can toast yourself over the fire and try some of my new Egyptians—that little Turkish chap at the Embassy put me on to a brand that I want you to try, and if you like ’em I’ll get out a lot for you: they don’t have ’em here yet, but I’ll cable.”
“Come to the den; it’s the only comfy spot in the house. Doesn’t this room seem like it’s expecting a body to be brought down? I don’t understand why Judy keeps the house wrapped up in this awful slippery white stuff—it’s enough to give someone pneumonia walking through these rooms on a cold day. You look a bit pale too, by the way: it’s pretty chilly out tonight. I noticed it when I walked back from the club. Come on, and I’ll pour you a shot of brandy, and you can warm yourself by the fire and try some of my new Egyptian cigarettes—that little Turkish guy at the Embassy recommended a brand I want you to taste, and if you like them, I’ll get a bunch for you: they don’t have them here yet, but I’ll send a cable.”
He led her through the house to the large room at the back, where Mrs. Trenor usually sat, and where, even in her absence, there was an air of occupancy. Here, as usual, were flowers, newspapers, a littered writing-table, and a general aspect of lamp-lit familiarity, so that it was a surprise not to see Judy’s energetic figure start up from the arm-chair near the fire.
He guided her through the house to the spacious room at the back, where Mrs. Trenor typically spent her time, and where, even though she wasn't there, it felt lived-in. As usual, there were flowers, newspapers, a messy writing desk, and a cozy, lamp-lit vibe, making it a surprise not to see Judy's lively figure rise from the armchair by the fire.
It was apparently Trenor himself who had been occupying the seat in question, for it was overhung by a cloud of cigar smoke, and near it stood one of those intricate folding tables which British ingenuity has devised to facilitate the circulation of tobacco and spirits. The sight of such appliances in a drawing-room was not unusual in Lily’s set, where smoking and drinking were unrestricted by considerations of time and place, and her first movement was to help herself to one of the cigarettes recommended by Trenor, while she checked his loquacity by asking, with a surprised glance: “Where’s Judy?”
It was obviously Trenor himself who had been sitting in that spot, as it was surrounded by a cloud of cigar smoke, and next to it was one of those complex folding tables designed by British ingenuity to make it easier to pass around tobacco and drinks. Seeing such setups in a living room wasn’t uncommon in Lily’s social circle, where smoking and drinking were free from any constraints about time or place. Her first instinct was to grab one of the cigarettes Trenor had suggested, while she interrupted his chatter by asking, with a surprised look, "Where’s Judy?"
Trenor, a little heated by his unusual flow of words, and perhaps by prolonged propinquity with the decanters, was bending over the latter to decipher their silver labels.
Trenor, a bit fired up by his unusual choice of words and maybe by spending too much time with the decanters, was leaning over them to read their silver labels.
“Here, now, Lily, just a drop of cognac in a little fizzy water—you do look pinched, you know: I swear the end of your nose is red. I’ll take another glass to keep you company—Judy?—Why, you see, Judy’s got a devil of a head ache—quite knocked out with it, poor thing—she asked me to explain—make it all right, you know—Do come up to the fire, though; you look dead-beat, really. Now do let me make you comfortable, there’s a good girl.”
“Here, Lily, just a splash of cognac in some fizzy water—you really do look worn out, you know: I swear the tip of your nose is red. I’ll pour myself another glass to keep you company—Judy?—Well, Judy's got a terrible headache—totally out of it, poor thing—she asked me to explain—make everything okay, you know—Please come up to the fire, though; you look completely exhausted, really. Now let me help you get comfortable, alright?”
He had taken her hand, half-banteringly, and was drawing her toward a low seat by the hearth; but she stopped and freed herself quietly.
He had grabbed her hand playfully and was pulling her toward a low seat by the fireplace, but she paused and gently pulled away.
“Do you mean to say that Judy’s not well enough to see me? Doesn’t she want me to go upstairs?”
“Are you saying that Judy isn’t feeling well enough to see me? Doesn’t she want me to go upstairs?”
Trenor drained the glass he had filled for himself, and paused to set it down before he answered.
Trenor finished the drink he poured for himself and paused to put the glass down before responding.
“Why, no—the fact is, she’s not up to seeing anybody. It came on suddenly, you know, and she asked me to tell you how awfully sorry she was—if she’d known where you were dining she’d have sent you word.”
“Actually, no—she’s just not feeling up to seeing anyone. It hit her out of nowhere, and she asked me to let you know how truly sorry she is—if she’d known where you were having dinner, she would have reached out.”
“She did know where I was dining; I mentioned it in my telegram. But it doesn’t matter, of course. I suppose if she’s so poorly she won’t go back to Bellomont in the morning, and I can come and see her then.”
“She knew where I was eating; I mentioned it in my message. But it doesn’t matter, really. I guess if she’s feeling that bad, she won’t go back to Bellomont in the morning, and I can come and see her then.”
“Yes: exactly—that’s capital. I’ll tell her you’ll pop in tomorrow morning. And now do sit down a minute, there’s a dear, and let’s have a nice quiet jaw together. You won’t take a drop, just for sociability? Tell me what you think of that cigarette. Why, don’t you like it? What are you chucking it away for?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect. I’ll let her know you’ll stop by tomorrow morning. Now please sit down for a minute, would you? Let’s have a nice, quiet chat. Are you sure you won’t have a drink, just to be sociable? What do you think of that cigarette? Do you not like it? Why are you tossing it away?”
“I am chucking it away because I must go, if you’ll have the goodness to call a cab for me,” Lily returned with a smile.
“I’m throwing it away because I have to go, if you could do me the favor of calling a cab for me,” Lily replied with a smile.
She did not like Trenor’s unusual excitability, with its too evident explanation, and the thought of being alone with him, with her friend out of reach upstairs, at the other end of the great empty house, did not conduce to a desire to prolong their TETE-A-TETE.
She wasn't comfortable with Trenor's strange excitement, which was all too obvious, and the idea of being alone with him while her friend was far away upstairs in the big empty house didn’t make her want to extend their one-on-one time.
But Trenor, with a promptness which did not escape her, had moved between herself and the door.
But Trenor quickly stepped between her and the door, a move that didn't go unnoticed by her.
“Why must you go, I should like to know? If Judy’d been here you’d have sat gossiping till all hours—and you can’t even give me five minutes! It’s always the same story. Last night I couldn’t get near you—I went to that damned vulgar party just to see you, and there was everybody talking about you, and asking me if I’d ever seen anything so stunning, and when I tried to come up and say a word, you never took any notice, but just went on laughing and joking with a lot of asses who only wanted to be able to swagger about afterward, and look knowing when you were mentioned.”
“Why do you have to leave? I really want to know. If Judy had been here, you would have been chatting away for hours—and you can't even give me five minutes! It’s always the same story. Last night, I couldn’t get near you—I went to that ridiculous party just to see you, and everyone was talking about you, asking if I’d ever seen anything so amazing. When I tried to come up and say something, you didn’t even notice me; you just kept laughing and joking with a bunch of fools who only wanted to brag about it later and act like they knew you when you were mentioned.”
He paused, flushed by his diatribe, and fixing on her a look in which resentment was the ingredient she least disliked. But she had regained her presence of mind, and stood composedly in the middle of the room, while her slight smile seemed to put an ever increasing distance between herself and Trenor.
He paused, embarrassed by his speech, and fixed her with a look where resentment was the one thing she didn’t mind. But she had gathered her composure, standing calmly in the middle of the room, while her slight smile appeared to create an ever-increasing distance between her and Trenor.
Across it she said: “Don’t be absurd, Gus. It’s past eleven, and I must really ask you to ring for a cab.”
Across it she said: “Don’t be ridiculous, Gus. It’s after eleven, and I really need you to call for a cab.”
He remained immovable, with the lowering forehead she had grown to detest.
He stayed still, with the scowling forehead she had come to dislike.
“And supposing I won’t ring for one—what’ll you do then?”
“And what will you do if I don’t call for one?”
“I shall go upstairs to Judy if you force me to disturb her.”
“I’ll go upstairs to Judy if you make me disturb her.”
Trenor drew a step nearer and laid his hand on her arm. “Look here, Lily: won’t you give me five minutes of your own accord?”
Trenor stepped closer and put his hand on her arm. “Hey, Lily: could you give me five minutes of your time?”
“Not tonight, Gus: you——”
“Not tonight, Gus: you—”
“Very good, then: I’ll take ’em. And as many more as I want.” He had squared himself on the threshold, his hands thrust deep in his pockets. He nodded toward the chair on the hearth.
“Alright, then: I’ll take them. And as many more as I want.” He positioned himself at the doorway, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He nodded toward the chair by the fireplace.
“Go and sit down there, please: I’ve got a word to say to you.”
“Please go and sit down over there; I need to talk to you.”
Lily’s quick temper was getting the better of her fears. She drew herself up and moved toward the door.
Lily’s short temper was starting to take over her fears. She straightened up and headed toward the door.
“If you have anything to say to me, you must say it another time. I shall go up to Judy unless you call a cab for me at once.”
“If you need to talk to me, you have to do it another time. I'm going to go up to Judy unless you call a cab for me right away.”
He burst into a laugh. “Go upstairs and welcome, my dear; but you won’t find Judy. She ain’t there.”
He burst into laughter. “Go upstairs and welcome, my dear; but you won’t find Judy. She’s not there.”
Lily cast a startled look upon him. “Do you mean that Judy is not in the house—not in town?” she exclaimed.
Lily looked at him in shock. “Are you saying that Judy isn’t in the house—she’s not in town?” she exclaimed.
“That’s just what I do mean,” returned Trenor, his bluster sinking to sullenness under her look.
"That's exactly what I mean," Trenor replied, his bravado deflating into sulkiness under her gaze.
“Nonsense—I don’t believe you. I am going upstairs,” she said impatiently.
“Nonsense—I don’t believe you. I’m going upstairs,” she said impatiently.
He drew unexpectedly aside, letting her reach the threshold unimpeded.
He stepped aside unexpectedly, allowing her to reach the threshold without any obstacles.
“Go up and welcome; but my wife is at Bellomont.”
“Go ahead and say hi; but my wife is at Bellomont.”
But Lily had a flash of reassurance. “If she hadn’t come she would have sent me word——”
But Lily suddenly felt reassured. “If she hadn’t come, she would’ve let me know——”
“She did; she telephoned me this afternoon to let you know.”
“She did; she called me this afternoon to let you know.”
“I received no message.”
"I didn't get any message."
“I didn’t send any.”
"I didn't send anything."
The two measured each other for a moment, but Lily still saw her opponent through a blur of scorn that made all other considerations indistinct.
The two sized each other up for a moment, but Lily still viewed her opponent through a haze of disdain that made everything else seem unclear.
“I can’t imagine your object in playing such a stupid trick on me; but if you have fully gratified your peculiar sense of humour I must again ask you to send for a cab.”
“I can’t understand why you would pull such a ridiculous trick on me; but if you’ve satisfied your unique sense of humor, I have to ask you again to call a cab.”
It was the wrong note, and she knew it as she spoke. To be stung by irony it is not necessary to understand it, and the angry streaks on Trenor’s face might have been raised by an actual lash.
It was the wrong note, and she realized it as she spoke. To be hit by irony, you don't need to fully grasp it, and the angry lines on Trenor’s face could have been caused by an actual whip.
“Look here, Lily, don’t take that high and mighty tone with me.” He had again moved toward the door, and in her instinctive shrinking from him she let him regain command of the threshold. “I DID play a trick on you; I own up to it; but if you think I’m ashamed you’re mistaken. Lord knows I’ve been patient enough—I’ve hung round and looked like an ass. And all the while you were letting a lot of other fellows make up to you . . . letting ’em make fun of me, I daresay . . . I’m not sharp, and can’t dress my friends up to look funny, as you do . . . but I can tell when it’s being done to me.... I can tell fast enough when I’m made a fool of....”
“Listen, Lily, don’t talk down to me.” He had moved toward the door again, and as she instinctively backed away from him, she let him take control of the doorway. “I DID play a trick on you; I admit it; but if you think I’m ashamed, you’re wrong. I’ve been patient enough—I’ve stuck around and looked silly. And all the while, you were letting a bunch of other guys hit on you… letting them make fun of me, I bet… I’m not clever, and can’t dress my friends up to look ridiculous like you do… but I can tell when it’s happening to me... I can pick up on it pretty quickly when I’m being made a fool of...”
“Ah, I shouldn’t have thought that!” flashed from Lily; but her laugh dropped to silence under his look.
“Ah, I shouldn't have thought that!” Lily exclaimed, but her laugh faded to silence under his gaze.
“No; you wouldn’t have thought it; but you’ll know better now. That’s what you’re here for tonight. I’ve been waiting for a quiet time to talk things over, and now I’ve got it I mean to make you hear me out.”
“No; you wouldn’t have guessed it; but you’ll understand now. That’s why you’re here tonight. I’ve been waiting for a good moment to go over things, and now that I have it, I plan to make you listen.”
His first rush of inarticulate resentment had been followed by a steadiness and concentration of tone more disconcerting to Lily than the excitement preceding it. For a moment her presence of mind forsook her. She had more than once been in situations where a quick sword-play of wit had been needful to cover her retreat; but her frightened heart-throbs told her that here such skill would not avail.
His initial wave of unexpressed anger had been replaced by a calmness and focus in his voice that unsettled Lily more than the earlier excitement. For a moment, she lost her composure. She had been in situations before where quick-witted banter was necessary to make her escape; but her racing heart reminded her that this time, that skill wouldn’t help.
To gain time she repeated: “I don’t understand what you want.”
To buy some time, she repeated, “I don’t get what you want.”
Trenor had pushed a chair between herself and the door. He threw himself in it, and leaned back, looking up at her.
Trenor had shoved a chair between her and the door. He plopped down in it and leaned back, gazing up at her.
“I’ll tell you what I want: I want to know just where you and I stand. Hang it, the man who pays for the dinner is generally allowed to have a seat at table.”
“I'll tell you what I want: I want to know exactly where you and I stand. Honestly, the person who pays for dinner usually gets a seat at the table.”
She flamed with anger and abasement, and the sickening need of having to conciliate where she longed to humble.
She burned with anger and humiliation, and the nauseating need to make peace when she desperately wanted to assert her dominance.
“I don’t know what you mean—but you must see, Gus, that I can’t stay here talking to you at this hour——”
“I don’t know what you mean—but you’ve got to understand, Gus, that I can’t stay here talking to you at this hour——”
“Gad, you go to men’s houses fast enough in broad day light—strikes me you’re not always so deuced careful of appearances.”
“Wow, you visit guys' houses pretty quickly during the day—it seems like you're not always that worried about how things look.”
The brutality of the thrust gave her the sense of dizziness that follows on a physical blow. Rosedale had spoken then—this was the way men talked of her—She felt suddenly weak and defenceless: there was a throb of self-pity in her throat. But all the while another self was sharpening her to vigilance, whispering the terrified warning that every word and gesture must be measured.
The force of the impact made her feel a dizzy sensation like that after a physical hit. Rosedale had spoken then—this was how men talked about her—She suddenly felt weak and vulnerable: there was a pang of self-pity in her throat. But at the same time, another part of her was sharpening her awareness, whispering a fearful reminder that she had to think carefully about every word and action.
“If you have brought me here to say insulting things——” she began.
“If you brought me here to say insulting things——” she started.
Trenor laughed. “Don’t talk stage-rot. I don’t want to insult you. But a man’s got his feelings—and you’ve played with mine too long. I didn’t begin this business—kept out of the way, and left the track clear for the other chaps, till you rummaged me out and set to work to make an ass of me—and an easy job you had of it, too. That’s the trouble—it was too easy for you—you got reckless—thought you could turn me inside out, and chuck me in the gutter like an empty purse. But, by gad, that ain’t playing fair: that’s dodging the rules of the game. Of course I know now what you wanted—it wasn’t my beautiful eyes you were after—but I tell you what, Miss Lily, you’ve got to pay up for making me think so——”
Trenor laughed. “Cut the nonsense. I don’t want to offend you, but a guy has his feelings—and you’ve messed with mine for too long. I didn’t start this whole thing—I stayed out of it and left the way clear for the other guys, until you dug me out and set out to make a fool of me—and you certainly made it easy for yourself. That’s the issue—it was too easy for you—you got reckless—thought you could completely turn me inside out and toss me aside like an empty wallet. But, really, that’s not playing fair: that’s skipping the rules of the game. Of course, I know now what you really wanted—it wasn’t my charming looks you were after—but I gotta say, Miss Lily, you need to pay for making me think otherwise——”
He rose, squaring his shoulders aggressively, and stepped toward her with a reddening brow; but she held her footing, though every nerve tore at her to retreat as he advanced.
He got up, straightening his shoulders defiantly, and walked towards her with a furrowed brow; but she stood her ground, even though every nerve in her body screamed to back away as he approached.
“Pay up?” she faltered. “Do you mean that I owe you money?”
“Pay up?” she hesitated. “Are you saying that I owe you money?”
He laughed again. “Oh, I’m not asking for payment in kind. But there’s such a thing as fair play—and interest on one’s money—and hang me if I’ve had as much as a look from you——”
He laughed again. “Oh, I’m not asking for payment in kind. But there’s such a thing as fair play—and interest on one’s money—and I swear I haven’t even gotten a glance from you——”
“Your money? What have I to do with your money? You advised me how to invest mine . . . you must have seen I knew nothing of business . . . you told me it was all right——”
“Your money? What do I have to do with your money? You told me how to invest mine... you must have noticed I didn't know anything about business... you said it was all good—”
“It WAS all right—it is, Lily: you’re welcome to all of it, and ten times more. I’m only asking for a word of thanks from you.” He was closer still, with a hand that grew formidable; and the frightened self in her was dragging the other down.
“It’s all good—it is, Lily: you can have all of it, and even more. I just want a word of thanks from you.” He moved in even closer, his hand feeling more powerful; and the scared part of her was pulling the other down.
“I HAVE thanked you; I’ve shown I was grateful. What more have you done than any friend might do, or any one accept from a friend?”
“I’ve thanked you; I’ve shown I’m grateful. What more have you done than what any friend would do, or what anyone would accept from a friend?”
Trenor caught her up with a sneer. “I don’t doubt you’ve accepted as much before—and chucked the other chaps as you’d like to chuck me. I don’t care how you settled your score with them—if you fooled ’em I’m that much to the good. Don’t stare at me like that—I know I’m not talking the way a man is supposed to talk to a girl—but, hang it, if you don’t like it you can stop me quick enough—you know I’m mad about you—damn the money, there’s plenty more of it—if THAT bothers you.... I was a brute, Lily—Lily!—just look at me——”
Trenor caught her eye with a sneer. “I don’t doubt you’ve been in situations like this before—and tossed aside the other guys just like you’d want to toss me aside. I don’t care how you handled things with them—if you played them for fools, that’s fine by me. Don’t look at me like that—I know I’m not talking like a man should to a woman—but honestly, if you don’t like it, you can tell me to stop anytime—you know I’m crazy about you—screw the money, there’s plenty more where that came from—if THAT’s what’s bothering you.... I was a jerk, Lily—Lily!—just look at me——”
Over and over her the sea of humiliation broke—wave crashing on wave so close that the moral shame was one with the physical dread. It seemed to her that self-esteem would have made her invulnerable—that it was her own dishonour which put a fearful solitude about her.
Again and again, the sea of humiliation crashed over her—waves hitting one after another so closely that the shame she felt merged with the physical fear. It seemed to her that self-esteem could have made her untouchable—that it was her own dishonor that surrounded her with a frightening loneliness.
His touch was a shock to her drowning consciousness. She drew back from him with a desperate assumption of scorn.
His touch was a jolt to her fading awareness. She pulled away from him, trying to act like she looked down on him.
“I’ve told you I don’t understand—but if I owe you money you shall be paid——”
“I’ve told you I don’t get it—but if I owe you money, you will be paid—”
Trenor’s face darkened to rage: her recoil of abhorrence had called out the primitive man.
Trenor’s face twisted with anger: her reaction of disgust had awakened the primal instinct within him.
“Ah—you’ll borrow from Selden or Rosedale—and take your chances of fooling them as you’ve fooled me! Unless—unless you’ve settled your other scores already—and I’m the only one left out in the cold!”
“Ah—you’ll borrow from Selden or Rosedale—and take your chances of tricking them like you tricked me! Unless—unless you’ve sorted out your other debts already—and I’m the only one left in the cold!”
She stood silent, frozen to her place. The words—the words were worse than the touch! Her heart was beating all over her body—in her throat, her limbs, her helpless useless hands. Her eyes travelled despairingly about the room—they lit on the bell, and she remembered that help was in call. Yes, but scandal with it—a hideous mustering of tongues. No, she must fight her way out alone. It was enough that the servants knew her to be in the house with Trenor—there must be nothing to excite conjecture in her way of leaving it.
She stood there in silence, frozen in place. The words—those words were worse than any touch! Her heart was racing all over her body—in her throat, her limbs, her helpless, useless hands. Her eyes desperately scanned the room—they landed on the bell, and she remembered that help was just a call away. Yes, but there would be scandal with it—a terrible chorus of gossip. No, she had to find a way out on her own. It was bad enough that the servants knew she was in the house with Trenor—there could be nothing to raise suspicion about how she left.
She raised her head, and achieved a last clear look at him.
She lifted her head and took one last clear look at him.
“I am here alone with you,” she said. “What more have you to say?”
“I’m here alone with you,” she said. “What else do you want to say?”
To her surprise, Trenor answered the look with a speechless stare. With his last gust of words the flame had died out, leaving him chill and humbled. It was as though a cold air had dispersed the fumes of his libations, and the situation loomed before him black and naked as the ruins of a fire. Old habits, old restraints, the hand of inherited order, plucked back the bewildered mind which passion had jolted from its ruts. Trenor’s eye had the haggard look of the sleep-walker waked on a deathly ledge.
To her surprise, Trenor responded to her look with a blank stare. His last words had left him feeling cold and humbled. It was as if a cold breeze had blown away the remnants of his indulgence, and the situation stood before him stark and exposed like the aftermath of a fire. Old habits, familiar constraints, and the weight of tradition pulled his confused mind back into its usual patterns that passion had momentarily disrupted. Trenor’s eyes had the drawn expression of someone who had just been awakened on the edge of a dangerous cliff.
“Go home! Go away from here”——he stammered, and turning his back on her walked toward the hearth.
“Go home! Get out of here!” he stammered, and turning his back on her, walked toward the fireplace.
The sharp release from her fears restored Lily to immediate lucidity. The collapse of Trenor’s will left her in control, and she heard herself, in a voice that was her own yet outside herself, bidding him ring for the servant, bidding him give the order for a hansom, directing him to put her in it when it came. Whence the strength came to her she knew not; but an insistent voice warned her that she must leave the house openly, and nerved her, in the hall before the hovering care taker, to exchange light words with Trenor, and charge him with the usual messages for Judy, while all the while she shook with inward loathing. On the doorstep, with the street before her, she felt a mad throb of liberation, intoxicating as the prisoner’s first draught of free air; but the clearness of brain continued, and she noted the mute aspect of Fifth Avenue, guessed at the lateness of the hour, and even observed a man’s figure—was there something half-familiar in its outline?—which, as she entered the hansom, turned from the opposite corner and vanished in the obscurity of the side street.
The sudden relief from her fears brought Lily back to sharp clarity. With Trenor's will crumbling, she found herself in control, hearing her own voice—both familiar and distant—telling him to call for the servant, asking him to order a hansom, and directing him to help her get in when it arrived. She didn’t know where her strength was coming from, but an urgent voice insisted that she had to leave the house openly, pushing her to exchange casual words with Trenor in the hallway, while the watchful caretaker was nearby, and to pass along the usual messages for Judy, all while she felt a deep inner disgust. Standing on the doorstep with the street stretching out in front of her, she experienced a wild rush of freedom, as exhilarating as a prisoner’s first taste of fresh air; yet her mind remained clear, and she took note of the silent scene on Fifth Avenue, guessed at the late hour, and even spotted a man’s figure—was there something vaguely familiar about it?—which, just as she got into the hansom, turned away from the opposite corner and disappeared into the shadows of the side street.
But with the turn of the wheels reaction came, and shuddering darkness closed on her. “I can’t think—I can’t think,” she moaned, and leaned her head against the rattling side of the cab. She seemed a stranger to herself, or rather there were two selves in her, the one she had always known, and a new abhorrent being to which it found itself chained. She had once picked up, in a house where she was staying, a translation of the EUMENIDES, and her imagination had been seized by the high terror of the scene where Orestes, in the cave of the oracle, finds his implacable huntresses asleep, and snatches an hour’s repose. Yes, the Furies might sometimes sleep, but they were there, always there in the dark corners, and now they were awake and the iron clang of their wings was in her brain.... She opened her eyes and saw the streets passing—the familiar alien streets. All she looked on was the same and yet changed. There was a great gulf fixed between today and yesterday. Everything in the past seemed simple, natural, full of daylight—and she was alone in a place of darkness and pollution.—Alone! It was the loneliness that frightened her. Her eyes fell on an illuminated clock at a street corner, and she saw that the hands marked the half hour after eleven. Only half-past eleven—there were hours and hours left of the night! And she must spend them alone, shuddering sleepless on her bed. Her soft nature recoiled from this ordeal, which had none of the stimulus of conflict to goad her through it. Oh, the slow cold drip of the minutes on her head! She had a vision of herself lying on the black walnut bed—and the darkness would frighten her, and if she left the light burning the dreary details of the room would brand themselves forever on her brain. She had always hated her room at Mrs. Peniston’s—its ugliness, its impersonality, the fact that nothing in it was really hers. To a torn heart uncomforted by human nearness a room may open almost human arms, and the being to whom no four walls mean more than any others, is, at such hours, expatriate everywhere.
But as the wheels turned, a reaction hit, and shuddering darkness surrounded her. “I can't think—I can't think,” she groaned, leaning her head against the rattling side of the cab. She felt like a stranger to herself, or rather, there were two selves within her: the one she had always known and a new, repulsive self that she felt trapped by. Once, while staying at a house, she had come across a translation of the EUMENIDES, and she had been captivated by the intense fear of the scene where Orestes, in the cave of the oracle, finds his relentless pursuers asleep and takes a moment of rest. Yes, the Furies might occasionally be asleep, but they were always lurking in the dark corners, and now they were awake, their iron wings clanging in her mind.... She opened her eyes and watched the familiar yet alien streets pass by. Everything she saw was the same, yet different. A vast chasm had formed between today and yesterday. Everything in the past seemed simple, natural, and bright—while she was alone in a place of darkness and filth.—Alone! It was the loneliness that terrified her. Her gaze landed on an illuminated clock at a street corner, revealing that it was half past eleven. Only half-past eleven—there were still hours and hours left of the night! And she had to spend them alone, shivering and sleepless on her bed. Her gentle nature recoiled from this ordeal, which lacked any conflict to push her through it. Oh, the slow, cold drip of the minutes on her head! She imagined herself lying on the dark walnut bed—and the darkness would terrify her, and if she left the light on, the dreary details of the room would imprint themselves on her mind forever. She had always hated her room at Mrs. Peniston’s—its ugliness, its lack of character, the fact that nothing in it truly belonged to her. To a heart in tatters, comforted only by human presence, a room might as well spread open human arms; and to someone for whom no four walls held more significance than others, at such times, everywhere feels like exile.
Lily had no heart to lean on. Her relation with her aunt was as superficial as that of chance lodgers who pass on the stairs. But even had the two been in closer contact, it was impossible to think of Mrs. Peniston’s mind as offering shelter or comprehension to such misery as Lily’s. As the pain that can be told is but half a pain, so the pity that questions has little healing in its touch. What Lily craved was the darkness made by enfolding arms, the silence which is not solitude, but compassion holding its breath.
Lily had no one to rely on. Her relationship with her aunt was as shallow as that of random strangers who just cross paths. Even if they had been closer, it’s hard to imagine Mrs. Peniston’s mindset providing any comfort or understanding for the kind of pain Lily was going through. Just as the pain that can be expressed is only half of it, the sympathy that comes with questions offers little healing. What Lily yearned for was the comfort of embracing arms, the quiet that isn’t loneliness, but rather compassion pausing to hold space.
She started up and looked forth on the passing streets. Gerty!—they were nearing Gerty’s corner. If only she could reach there before this labouring anguish burst from her breast to her lips—if only she could feel the hold of Gerty’s arms while she shook in the ague-fit of fear that was coming upon her! She pushed up the door in the roof and called the address to the driver. It was not so late—Gerty might still be waking. And even if she were not, the sound of the bell would penetrate every recess of her tiny apartment, and rouse her to answer her friend’s call.
She sat up and looked out at the streets passing by. Gerty!—they were getting close to Gerty’s corner. If only she could make it there before the overwhelming pain erupted from her chest to her lips—if only she could feel Gerty’s arms around her while she trembled with the wave of fear that was coming over her! She pushed the door open and shouted the address to the driver. It wasn’t too late—Gerty might still be awake. And even if she wasn't, the sound of the bell would reach every corner of her tiny apartment and wake her up to answer her friend’s call.
Chapter 14
Gerty Farish, the morning after the Wellington Brys’ entertainment, woke from dreams as happy as Lily’s. If they were less vivid in hue, more subdued to the half-tints of her personality and her experience, they were for that very reason better suited to her mental vision. Such flashes of joy as Lily moved in would have blinded Miss Farish, who was accustomed, in the way of happiness, to such scant light as shone through the cracks of other people’s lives.
Gerty Farish, the morning after the Wellington Brys’ party, woke up from dreams as joyful as Lily’s. Even though they were less colorful and more muted to reflect her personality and experiences, they were better suited to her way of thinking. The bursts of happiness that Lily experienced would have overwhelmed Miss Farish, who was used to the limited joy that came through the gaps in other people's lives.
Now she was the centre of a little illumination of her own: a mild but unmistakable beam, compounded of Lawrence Selden’s growing kindness to herself and the discovery that he extended his liking to Lily Bart. If these two factors seem incompatible to the student of feminine psychology, it must be remembered that Gerty had always been a parasite in the moral order, living on the crumbs of other tables, and content to look through the window at the banquet spread for her friends. Now that she was enjoying a little private feast of her own, it would have seemed incredibly selfish not to lay a plate for a friend; and there was no one with whom she would rather have shared her enjoyment than Miss Bart.
Now she was the center of a little light of her own: a soft but clear glow, formed from Lawrence Selden’s increasing kindness towards her and the realization that he also liked Lily Bart. If these two aspects seem contradictory to someone studying feminine psychology, it’s important to remember that Gerty had always been a taker in the moral landscape, living off the leftovers of others and content to observe the feast laid out for her friends. Now that she was enjoying a small private celebration of her own, it would have seemed incredibly selfish not to set a place for a friend; and there was no one she would rather have shared her happiness with than Miss Bart.
As to the nature of Selden’s growing kindness, Gerty would no more have dared to define it than she would have tried to learn a butterfly’s colours by knocking the dust from its wings. To seize on the wonder would be to brush off its bloom, and perhaps see it fade and stiffen in her hand: better the sense of beauty palpitating out of reach, while she held her breath and watched where it would alight. Yet Selden’s manner at the Brys’ had brought the flutter of wings so close that they seemed to be beating in her own heart. She had never seen him so alert, so responsive, so attentive to what she had to say. His habitual manner had an absent-minded kindliness which she accepted, and was grateful for, as the liveliest sentiment her presence was likely to inspire; but she was quick to feel in him a change implying that for once she could give pleasure as well as receive it.
As for Selden’s growing kindness, Gerty wouldn’t have dared to define it any more than she would try to figure out a butterfly’s colors by shaking the dust off its wings. Trying to grasp the magic would risk losing its beauty, and maybe watching it fade and go stiff in her hand: it was better to sense beauty just out of reach, while she held her breath and waited to see where it would land. Yet, Selden’s behavior at the Brys’ had brought those fluttering wings so close that they felt like they were beating in her own heart. She had never seen him so alert, so engaged, so attentive to what she had to say. His usual absent-minded kindness was something she accepted and was thankful for, as it was the most profound feeling her presence was likely to spark; but she quickly sensed a shift in him that suggested, for once, she could bring him joy just as much as he did for her.
And it was so delightful that this higher degree of sympathy should be reached through their interest in Lily Bart!
And it was so wonderful that this deeper understanding was achieved through their interest in Lily Bart!
Gerty’s affection for her friend—a sentiment that had learned to keep itself alive on the scantiest diet—had grown to active adoration since Lily’s restless curiosity had drawn her into the circle of Miss Farish’s work. Lily’s taste of beneficence had wakened in her a momentary appetite for well-doing. Her visit to the Girls’ Club had first brought her in contact with the dramatic contrasts of life. She had always accepted with philosophic calm the fact that such existences as hers were pedestalled on foundations of obscure humanity. The dreary limbo of dinginess lay all around and beneath that little illuminated circle in which life reached its finest efflorescence, as the mud and sleet of a winter night enclose a hot-house filled with tropical flowers. All this was in the natural order of things, and the orchid basking in its artificially created atmosphere could round the delicate curves of its petals undisturbed by the ice on the panes.
Gerty’s feelings for her friend—a sentiment that had managed to survive on very little—had grown into full-blown adoration since Lily’s restless curiosity had pulled her into Miss Farish’s work. Lily’s experience with kindness had sparked a temporary desire for doing good in her. Her visit to the Girls’ Club had first exposed her to the stark contrasts of life. She had always accepted calmly the fact that lives like hers were built on hidden struggles. The dreary limbo of gloom surrounded and lay beneath that little bright circle where life reached its fullest beauty, much like the mud and slush of a winter night encompass a greenhouse full of tropical flowers. All this was part of the natural order, and the orchid flourishing in its artificially created environment could grow its delicate petals without being bothered by the frost on the windows.
But it is one thing to live comfortably with the abstract conception of poverty, another to be brought in contact with its human embodiments. Lily had never conceived of these victims of fate otherwise than in the mass. That the mass was composed of individual lives, innumerable separate centres of sensation, with her own eager reachings for pleasure, her own fierce revulsions from pain—that some of these bundles of feeling were clothed in shapes not so unlike her own, with eyes meant to look on gladness, and young lips shaped for love—this discovery gave Lily one of those sudden shocks of pity that sometimes decentralize a life. Lily’s nature was incapable of such renewal: she could feel other demands only through her own, and no pain was long vivid which did not press on an answering nerve. But for the moment she was drawn out of herself by the interest of her direct relation with a world so unlike her own. She had supplemented her first gift by personal assistance to one or two of Miss Farish’s most appealing subjects, and the admiration and interest her presence excited among the tired workers at the club ministered in a new form to her insatiable desire to please.
But it's one thing to feel comfortable with the abstract idea of poverty, and another to come face-to-face with the people who experience it. Lily had always imagined these victims of fate only as a group. The fact that this group was made up of individual lives, countless separate centers of feeling—each with their own eager pursuits of pleasure and strong aversions to pain—that some of these bundles of emotions looked somewhat like her, with eyes meant to see happiness and young lips shaped for love—this realization hit Lily with one of those sudden waves of compassion that can change a life. However, Lily’s nature wasn't able to transform in that way: she could only understand others' needs through her own, and no pain felt vivid for long unless it touched an emotional nerve in her. But for a moment, her interest in her direct connection with a world so different from her own pulled her out of herself. She had supplemented her initial gift by personally helping one or two of Miss Farish’s most compelling cases, and the admiration and interest her presence stirred among the exhausted workers at the club catered to her unquenchable desire to be pleasing.
Gerty Farish was not a close enough reader of character to disentangle the mixed threads of which Lily’s philanthropy was woven. She supposed her beautiful friend to be actuated by the same motive as herself—that sharpening of the moral vision which makes all human suffering so near and insistent that the other aspects of life fade into remoteness. Gerty lived by such simple formulas that she did not hesitate to class her friend’s state with the emotional “change of heart” to which her dealings with the poor had accustomed her; and she rejoiced in the thought that she had been the humble instrument of this renewal. Now she had an answer to all criticisms of Lily’s conduct: as she had said, she knew “the real Lily,” and the discovery that Selden shared her knowledge raised her placid acceptance of life to a dazzled sense of its possibilities—a sense farther enlarged, in the course of the afternoon, by the receipt of a telegram from Selden asking if he might dine with her that evening.
Gerty Farish wasn't a deep enough reader of character to untangle the mixed motivations behind Lily’s philanthropy. She assumed her beautiful friend was driven by the same reason as herself—that sharpening of moral awareness that makes human suffering feel so close and urgent that everything else in life fades away. Gerty lived by such simple ideas that she didn't hesitate to group her friend’s situation with the emotional “change of heart” that her interactions with the poor had conditioned her to recognize; and she was happy to think that she had been the humble cause of this transformation. Now she had a response to all criticisms of Lily’s actions: as she had said, she knew “the real Lily,” and the fact that Selden shared her understanding elevated her calm acceptance of life to a thrilling sense of its possibilities—a feeling that grew even stronger later in the afternoon when she received a telegram from Selden asking if he could join her for dinner that evening.
While Gerty was lost in the happy bustle which this announcement produced in her small household, Selden was at one with her in thinking with intensity of Lily Bart. The case which had called him to Albany was not complicated enough to absorb all his attention, and he had the professional faculty of keeping a part of his mind free when its services were not needed. This part—which at the moment seemed dangerously like the whole—was filled to the brim with the sensations of the previous evening. Selden understood the symptoms: he recognized the fact that he was paying up, as there had always been a chance of his having to pay up, for the voluntary exclusions of his past. He had meant to keep free from permanent ties, not from any poverty of feeling, but because, in a different way, he was, as much as Lily, the victim of his environment. There had been a germ of truth in his declaration to Gerty Farish that he had never wanted to marry a “nice” girl: the adjective connoting, in his cousin’s vocabulary, certain utilitarian qualities which are apt to preclude the luxury of charm. Now it had been Selden’s fate to have a charming mother: her graceful portrait, all smiles and Cashmere, still emitted a faded scent of the undefinable quality. His father was the kind of man who delights in a charming woman: who quotes her, stimulates her, and keeps her perennially charming. Neither one of the couple cared for money, but their disdain of it took the form of always spending a little more than was prudent. If their house was shabby, it was exquisitely kept; if there were good books on the shelves there were also good dishes on the table. Selden senior had an eye for a picture, his wife an understanding of old lace; and both were so conscious of restraint and discrimination in buying that they never quite knew how it was that the bills mounted up.
While Gerty was caught up in the joyful excitement this announcement brought to her small home, Selden shared her focus with intense thoughts of Lily Bart. The case that had brought him to Albany wasn't complicated enough to occupy all his attention, and he had the professional skill to keep part of his mind free when it wasn’t needed. That part—which at that moment felt dangerously like the whole—was overflowing with memories from the night before. Selden recognized the signs: he knew he was paying the price for the choices he had made in the past. He had intended to stay free from lasting commitments, not out of any lack of emotion, but because, in a different way, he was as much a victim of his environment as Lily was. There was some truth to his claim to Gerty Farish that he had never wanted to marry a “nice” girl; in her vocabulary, that word suggested certain practical qualities that often overshadow charm. Now, it had been Selden’s fate to have an enchanting mother: her elegant portrait, full of smiles and wearing Cashmere, still carried a faint scent of that special quality. His father was the type who enjoys a charming woman, someone who quotes her, encourages her, and keeps her perpetually charming. Neither of them cared much for money, but their indifference showed in their tendency to spend a bit more than was wise. If their home was worn down, it was kept beautifully; if there were good books on the shelves, there were also quality meals on the table. Selden’s father had an eye for art, while his mother appreciated old lace; both were so aware of moderation and good taste when shopping that they never quite realized how the bills added up.
Though many of Selden’s friends would have called his parents poor, he had grown up in an atmosphere where restricted means were felt only as a check on aimless profusion: where the few possessions were so good that their rarity gave them a merited relief, and abstinence was combined with elegance in a way exemplified by Mrs. Selden’s knack of wearing her old velvet as if it were new. A man has the advantage of being delivered early from the home point of view, and before Selden left college he had learned that there are as many different ways of going without money as of spending it. Unfortunately, he found no way as agreeable as that practised at home; and his views of womankind in especial were tinged by the remembrance of the one woman who had given him his sense of “values.” It was from her that he inherited his detachment from the sumptuary side of life: the stoic’s carelessness of material things, combined with the Epicurean’s pleasure in them. Life shorn of either feeling appeared to him a diminished thing; and nowhere was the blending of the two ingredients so essential as in the character of a pretty woman.
Though many of Selden’s friends would have called his parents poor, he grew up in an environment where limited resources felt more like a safeguard against wastefulness: where the few belongings were of such quality that their scarcity provided a deserving sense of relief, and simplicity blended with style, as shown by Mrs. Selden’s talent for making her old velvet look brand new. A man has the benefit of being freed early from the family perspective, and by the time Selden finished college, he learned that there are just as many ways to live without money as there are to spend it. Unfortunately, he didn’t find any approach as enjoyable as what he experienced at home; and his views on women, in particular, were colored by memories of the one woman who taught him his sense of “values.” It was from her that he gained his detachment from the material side of life: a stoic’s indifference to physical possessions, combined with an Epicurean’s enjoyment of them. Life without either sentiment seemed to him diminished; and nowhere was the mix of these two elements more crucial than in the character of an attractive woman.
It had always seemed to Selden that experience offered a great deal besides the sentimental adventure, yet he could vividly conceive of a love which should broaden and deepen till it became the central fact of life. What he could not accept, in his own case, was the makeshift alternative of a relation that should be less than this: that should leave some portions of his nature unsatisfied, while it put an undue strain on others. He would not, in other words, yield to the growth of an affection which might appeal to pity yet leave the understanding untouched: sympathy should no more delude him than a trick of the eyes, the grace of helplessness than a curve of the cheek.
It had always seemed to Selden that experience had a lot to offer besides just sentimental adventures. However, he could clearly imagine a love that would grow and deepen until it became the most important part of life. What he couldn't accept for himself was a half-hearted alternative to such a love, one that would leave parts of him unfulfilled while putting too much pressure on other parts. In other words, he wouldn’t give in to developing a feeling that might invoke pity yet leave his understanding unfulfilled; sympathy should no longer trick him like an optical illusion, just as the charm of helplessness shouldn't captivate him more than the curve of a cheek.
But now—that little BUT passed like a sponge over all his vows. His reasoned-out resistances seemed for the moment so much less important than the question as to when Lily would receive his note! He yielded himself to the charm of trivial preoccupations, wondering at what hour her reply would be sent, with what words it would begin. As to its import he had no doubt—he was as sure of her surrender as of his own. And so he had leisure to muse on all its exquisite details, as a hard worker, on a holiday morning, might lie still and watch the beam of light travel gradually across his room. But if the new light dazzled, it did not blind him. He could still discern the outline of facts, though his own relation to them had changed. He was no less conscious than before of what was said of Lily Bart, but he could separate the woman he knew from the vulgar estimate of her. His mind turned to Gerty Farish’s words, and the wisdom of the world seemed a groping thing beside the insight of innocence. BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART, FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD—even the hidden god in their neighbour’s breast! Selden was in the state of impassioned self-absorption that the first surrender to love produces. His craving was for the companionship of one whose point of view should justify his own, who should confirm, by deliberate observation, the truth to which his intuitions had leaped. He could not wait for the midday recess, but seized a moment’s leisure in court to scribble his telegram to Gerty Farish.
But now—that little BUT washed away all his promises. His carefully thought-out resistances seemed, for the moment, much less significant than the question of when Lily would get his note! He let himself be caught up in trivial worries, wondering what time her reply would be sent and how it would begin. He had no doubt about its significance—he was as certain of her acceptance as he was of his own feelings. So he had the time to reflect on all its beautiful details, like a busy person on a holiday morning might lie still and watch the beam of light slowly move across the room. But if the new light was dazzling, it didn’t blind him. He could still see the outline of facts, though his connection to them had changed. He was just as aware as before of what people said about Lily Bart, but he could distinguish the woman he knew from the crude opinions others had of her. His thoughts turned to Gerty Farish’s words, and the wisdom of the world seemed clumsy compared to the insight of innocence. BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART, FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD—even the hidden god in their neighbor’s heart! Selden was in the passionate state of self-absorption that the first experience of love brings. He craved the companionship of someone whose perspective would validate his own, who would confirm, through careful observation, the truths his instincts had grasped. He couldn’t wait for the midday break, so he took a moment in court to quickly write his telegram to Gerty Farish.
Reaching town, he was driven direct to his club, where he hoped a note from Miss Bart might await him. But his box contained only a line of rapturous assent from Gerty, and he was turning away disappointed when he was hailed by a voice from the smoking room.
Reaching town, he was taken straight to his club, where he hoped to find a note from Miss Bart. Instead, his mailbox only had a note filled with excitement from Gerty, and he was feeling let down as he was about to leave when a voice called out to him from the smoking room.
“Hallo, Lawrence! Dining here? Take a bite with me—I’ve ordered a canvas-back.”
“Hey, Lawrence! Are you dining here? Come eat with me—I’ve ordered a canvas-back.”
He discovered Trenor, in his day clothes, sitting, with a tall glass at his elbow, behind the folds of a sporting journal.
He found Trenor, dressed for the day, sitting with a tall glass next to him, behind the pages of a sports magazine.
Selden thanked him, but pleaded an engagement.
Selden thanked him but said he had another commitment.
“Hang it, I believe every man in town has an engagement tonight. I shall have the club to myself. You know how I’m living this winter, rattling round in that empty house. My wife meant to come to town today, but she’s put it off again, and how is a fellow to dine alone in a room with the looking-glasses covered, and nothing but a bottle of Harvey sauce on the sideboard? I say, Lawrence, chuck your engagement and take pity on me—it gives me the blue devils to dine alone, and there’s nobody but that canting ass Wetherall in the club.”
“Dang it, I think every guy in town has plans tonight. I’ll have the club all to myself. You know how I'm spending this winter, rattling around in that empty house. My wife was supposed to come to town today, but she postponed again, and how’s a guy supposed to eat alone in a room with the mirrors covered and just a bottle of Harvey sauce on the sideboard? Come on, Lawrence, ditch your plans and feel sorry for me—it drives me crazy to eat by myself, and the only one at the club is that pretentious fool Wetherall.”
“Sorry, Gus—I can’t do it.”
"Sorry, Gus—I can't do that."
As Selden turned away, he noticed the dark flush on Trenor’s face, the unpleasant moisture of his intensely white forehead, the way his jewelled rings were wedged in the creases of his fat red fingers. Certainly the beast was predominating—the beast at the bottom of the glass. And he had heard this man’s name coupled with Lily’s! Bah—the thought sickened him; all the way back to his rooms he was haunted by the sight of Trenor’s fat creased hands——
As Selden turned away, he saw the dark flush on Trenor’s face, the unpleasant moisture on his very pale forehead, and how his jeweled rings were stuck in the folds of his chubby red fingers. Clearly, the animal side of him was coming through—the animal at the bottom of the glass. And he had heard this guy’s name mentioned alongside Lily’s! Ugh—the thought made him feel ill; all the way back to his place, he couldn’t shake the image of Trenor’s fat, wrinkled hands.
On his table lay the note: Lily had sent it to his rooms. He knew what was in it before he broke the seal—a grey seal with BEYOND! beneath a flying ship. Ah, he would take her beyond—beyond the ugliness, the pettiness, the attrition and corrosion of the soul——
On his table was the note: Lily had sent it to his place. He already knew what it said before he broke the seal—a gray seal with BEYOND! under a flying ship. Ah, he would take her beyond—beyond the ugliness, the smallness, the wear and tear of the soul—
Gerty’s little sitting-room sparkled with welcome when Selden entered it. Its modest “effects,” compact of enamel paint and ingenuity, spoke to him in the language just then sweetest to his ear. It is surprising how little narrow walls and a low ceiling matter, when the roof of the soul has suddenly been raised. Gerty sparkled too; or at least shone with a tempered radiance. He had never before noticed that she had “points”—really, some good fellow might do worse.... Over the little dinner (and here, again, the effects were wonderful) he told her she ought to marry—he was in a mood to pair off the whole world. She had made the caramel custard with her own hands? It was sinful to keep such gifts to herself. He reflected with a throb of pride that Lily could trim her own hats—she had told him so the day of their walk at Bellomont.
Gerty’s small living room sparkled with warmth when Selden walked in. Its simple decor, made of enamel paint and creativity, spoke to him in the language that was sweetest to him at that moment. It's surprising how little a cramped space and low ceiling matter when the spirit feels so uplifted. Gerty sparkled too; or at least radiated a soft glow. He had never really noticed that she had “qualities”—truly, any decent guy could do worse.... Over the small dinner (and once again, the presentation was impressive), he told her she should get married—he was in a mood to pair off everyone. She made the caramel custard herself? It was unfair to keep such talents to herself. He thought with a swell of pride that Lily could style her own hats—she had told him that on their walk at Bellomont.
He did not speak of Lily till after dinner. During the little repast he kept the talk on his hostess, who, fluttered at being the centre of observation, shone as rosy as the candle-shades she had manufactured for the occasion. Selden evinced an extraordinary interest in her household arrangements: complimented her on the ingenuity with which she had utilized every inch of her small quarters, asked how her servant managed about afternoons out, learned that one may improvise delicious dinners in a chafing-dish, and uttered thoughtful generalizations on the burden of a large establishment.
He didn’t mention Lily until after dinner. During the short meal, he focused the conversation on his hostess, who, flustered by being the center of attention, glowed as rosy as the candle shades she had made for the occasion. Selden showed an unusually keen interest in her household setup: he praised her for cleverly using every bit of her small space, asked how her servant handled afternoons off, discovered that you can whip up tasty dinners in a chafing dish, and made thoughtful comments about the challenges of managing a large household.
When they were in the sitting-room again, where they fitted as snugly as bits in a puzzle, and she had brewed the coffee, and poured it into her grandmother’s egg-shell cups, his eye, as he leaned back, basking in the warm fragrance, lighted on a recent photograph of Miss Bart, and the desired transition was effected without an effort. The photograph was well enough—but to catch her as she had looked last night! Gerty agreed with him—never had she been so radiant. But could photography capture that light? There had been a new look in her face—something different; yes, Selden agreed there had been something different. The coffee was so exquisite that he asked for a second cup: such a contrast to the watery stuff at the club! Ah, your poor bachelor with his impersonal club fare, alternating with the equally impersonal CUISINE of the dinner-party! A man who lived in lodgings missed the best part of life—he pictured the flavourless solitude of Trenor’s repast, and felt a moment’s compassion for the man.... But to return to Lily—and again and again he returned, questioning, conjecturing, leading Gerty on, draining her inmost thoughts of their stored tenderness for her friend.
When they were back in the living room, fitting together like pieces of a puzzle, and she had made the coffee and poured it into her grandmother's delicate egg-shell cups, his gaze caught a recent photograph of Miss Bart as he leaned back, enjoying the warm aroma. The photograph was nice enough—but to capture how she looked last night! Gerty agreed with him—she had never been so radiant. But could a photo really capture that glow? There had been something new in her expression—something different; yes, Selden agreed there was something different. The coffee was so delicious that he asked for a second cup: such a contrast to the weak stuff at the club! Ah, poor bachelor with his lifeless club food, alternating with the equally bland cuisine at dinner parties! A man living alone missed out on the best parts of life—he pictured the tasteless solitude of Trenor's meals and felt a moment of compassion for him.... But back to Lily—and he kept returning to her, questioning, speculating, encouraging Gerty to share her deepest feelings for her friend.
At first she poured herself out unstintingly, happy in this perfect communion of their sympathies. His understanding of Lily helped to confirm her own belief in her friend. They dwelt together on the fact that Lily had had no chance. Gerty instanced her generous impulses—her restlessness and discontent. The fact that her life had never satisfied her proved that she was made for better things. She might have married more than once—the conventional rich marriage which she had been taught to consider the sole end of existence—but when the opportunity came she had always shrunk from it. Percy Gryce, for instance, had been in love with her—every one at Bellomont had supposed them to be engaged, and her dismissal of him was thought inexplicable. This view of the Gryce incident chimed too well with Selden’s mood not to be instantly adopted by him, with a flash of retrospective contempt for what had once seemed the obvious solution. If rejection there had been—and he wondered now that he had ever doubted it!—then he held the key to the secret, and the hillsides of Bellomont were lit up, not with sunset, but with dawn. It was he who had wavered and disowned the face of opportunity—and the joy now warming his breast might have been a familiar inmate if he had captured it in its first flight.
At first, she opened up completely, feeling joyful in this perfect connection of their shared feelings. His understanding of Lily helped reinforce her own belief in her friend. They both acknowledged that Lily had never had a fair chance. Gerty pointed out her generous nature—her restlessness and dissatisfaction. The fact that her life had never fulfilled her proved she was meant for greater things. She could have married more than once—the traditional wealthy marriage she had been taught to see as the only goal in life—but when opportunities arose, she always backed away. Percy Gryce, for example, was in love with her—everyone at Bellomont thought they were engaged, and her rejection of him was considered puzzling. This interpretation of the Gryce situation resonated too well with Selden's mood for him not to instantly embrace it, filled with a sudden contempt for what had once seemed like the obvious answer. If there had been rejection—and he now questioned why he had ever doubted it!—then he held the key to the truth, and the hillsides of Bellomont were illuminated, not by sunset, but by dawn. It was he who had hesitated and turned away from the face of opportunity—and the joy now filling his heart could have been a familiar companion if he had seized it when it first appeared.
It was at this point, perhaps, that a joy just trying its wings in Gerty’s heart dropped to earth and lay still. She sat facing Selden, repeating mechanically: “No, she has never been understood——” and all the while she herself seemed to be sitting in the centre of a great glare of comprehension. The little confidential room, where a moment ago their thoughts had touched elbows like their chairs, grew to unfriendly vastness, separating her from Selden by all the length of her new vision of the future—and that future stretched out interminably, with her lonely figure toiling down it, a mere speck on the solitude.
It was at this point, perhaps, that a joy just starting to emerge in Gerty’s heart fell to the ground and lay still. She sat facing Selden, repeating mechanically: “No, she has never been understood——” and all the while she seemed to be sitting in the center of a bright light of understanding. The little private room, where just moments ago their thoughts had been close together like their chairs, expanded into an unfriendly emptiness, separating her from Selden by the entire distance of her new vision of the future—and that future stretched out endlessly, with her lonely figure struggling down it, a mere dot in the solitude.
“She is herself with a few people only; and you are one of them,” she heard Selden saying. And again: “Be good to her, Gerty, won’t you?” and: “She has it in her to become whatever she is believed to be—you’ll help her by believing the best of her?”
“She’s only herself around a few people, and you’re one of them,” she heard Selden say. And again: “Please be kind to her, Gerty, will you?” and: “She has the potential to become whatever people think she is—you’ll help her by believing the best in her?”
The words beat on Gerty’s brain like the sound of a language which has seemed familiar at a distance, but on approaching is found to be unintelligible. He had come to talk to her of Lily—that was all! There had been a third at the feast she had spread for him, and that third had taken her own place. She tried to follow what he was saying, to cling to her own part in the talk—but it was all as meaningless as the boom of waves in a drowning head, and she felt, as the drowning may feel, that to sink would be nothing beside the pain of struggling to keep up.
The words hammered away at Gerty’s mind like a language that seems familiar from afar but becomes completely incomprehensible up close. He had come to talk to her about Lily—that was it! There had been someone else at the feast she prepared for him, and that someone had taken her own place. She tried to understand what he was saying, to hold on to her part in the conversation—but it all felt as pointless as the sound of waves crashing in a drowning person's ears, and she felt, like someone drowning might, that sinking would be far easier than the agony of trying to stay afloat.
Selden rose, and she drew a deep breath, feeling that soon she could yield to the blessed waves.
Selden got up, and she took a deep breath, sensing that soon she could give in to the soothing waves.
“Mrs. Fisher’s? You say she was dining there? There’s music afterward; I believe I had a card from her.” He glanced at the foolish pink-faced clock that was drumming out this hideous hour. “A quarter past ten? I might look in there now; the Fisher evenings are amusing. I haven’t kept you up too late, Gerty? You look tired—I’ve rambled on and bored you.” And in the unwonted overflow of his feelings, he left a cousinly kiss upon her cheek.
“Mrs. Fisher’s? You say she was having dinner there? There’s music afterward; I think I got an invitation from her.” He looked at the silly pink clock that was banging out this awful hour. “A quarter past ten? I could stop by there now; the Fisher evenings are fun. I hope I haven’t kept you up too late, Gerty? You look tired—I’ve been rambling on and bored you.” And in a rare moment of emotion, he gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek.
At Mrs. Fisher’s, through the cigar smoke of the studio, a dozen voices greeted Selden. A song was pending as he entered, and he dropped into a seat near his hostess, his eyes roaming in search of Miss Bart. But she was not there, and the discovery gave him a pang out of all proportion to its seriousness; since the note in his breast-pocket assured him that at four the next day they would meet. To his impatience it seemed immeasurably long to wait, and half-ashamed of the impulse, he leaned to Mrs. Fisher to ask, as the music ceased, if Miss Bart had not dined with her.
At Mrs. Fisher’s, through the cigar smoke in the studio, a dozen voices welcomed Selden. A song was about to start as he walked in, and he sat down near his hostess, scanning the room for Miss Bart. But she wasn’t there, and the realization hit him harder than it should have; after all, the note in his pocket confirmed that they would meet at four the next day. To his impatience, the wait felt endlessly long, and feeling a bit embarrassed by the urge, he leaned toward Mrs. Fisher to ask, as the music stopped, if Miss Bart had dined with her.
“Lily? She’s just gone. She had to run off, I forget where. Wasn’t she wonderful last night?”
“Lily? She just left. I can't remember where she had to go. Wasn’t she amazing last night?”
“Who’s that? Lily?” asked Jack Stepney, from the depths of a neighbouring arm-chair. “Really, you know, I’m no prude, but when it comes to a girl standing there as if she was up at auction—I thought seriously of speaking to cousin Julia.”
“Who’s that? Lily?” Jack Stepney asked from the depths of a nearby armchair. “Honestly, I’m not a prude, but when a girl just stands there like she’s being auctioned off—I seriously considered talking to cousin Julia.”
“You didn’t know Jack had become our social censor?” Mrs. Fisher said to Selden with a laugh; and Stepney spluttered, amid the general derision: “But she’s a cousin, hang it, and when a man’s married—TOWN TALK was full of her this morning.”
“You didn’t know Jack had turned into our social censor?” Mrs. Fisher said to Selden with a laugh; and Stepney sputtered, amid the general mockery: “But she’s a cousin, for heaven’s sake, and when a man’s married—TOWN TALK was full of her this morning.”
“Yes: lively reading that was,” said Mr. Ned Van Alstyne, stroking his moustache to hide the smile behind it. “Buy the dirty sheet? No, of course not; some fellow showed it to me—but I’d heard the stories before. When a girl’s as good-looking as that she’d better marry; then no questions are asked. In our imperfectly organized society there is no provision as yet for the young woman who claims the privileges of marriage without assuming its obligations.”
“Yes, that was some entertaining reading,” said Mr. Ned Van Alstyne, stroking his mustache to hide his smile. “Buy that scandalous magazine? No, definitely not; someone just showed it to me—but I had heard the gossip before. When a girl is as pretty as that, she’d better get married; then no one asks any questions. In our imperfect society, there still isn’t a system in place for the young woman who wants the benefits of marriage without taking on its responsibilities.”
“Well, I understand Lily is about to assume them in the shape of Mr. Rosedale,” Mrs. Fisher said with a laugh.
“Well, I hear Lily is about to take them on in the form of Mr. Rosedale,” Mrs. Fisher said with a laugh.
“Rosedale—good heavens!” exclaimed Van Alstyne, dropping his eye-glass. “Stepney, that’s your fault for foisting the brute on us.”
“Rosedale—wow!” exclaimed Van Alstyne, dropping his eyeglasses. “Stepney, that’s on you for unloading the jerk on us.”
“Oh, confound it, you know, we don’t MARRY Rosedale in our family,” Stepney languidly protested; but his wife, who sat in oppressive bridal finery at the other side of the room, quelled him with the judicial reflection: “In Lily’s circumstances it’s a mistake to have too high a standard.”
“Oh, for goodness' sake, you know we don’t MARRY Rosedale in our family,” Stepney said lazily; but his wife, who was sitting in heavy bridal attire on the other side of the room, silenced him with the thoughtful observation: “Given Lily’s situation, it’s a mistake to have too high a standard.”
“I hear even Rosedale has been scared by the talk lately,” Mrs. Fisher rejoined; “but the sight of her last night sent him off his head. What do you think he said to me after her TABLEAU? ‘My God, Mrs. Fisher, if I could get Paul Morpeth to paint her like that, the picture’d appreciate a hundred per cent in ten years.’”
“I’ve heard that even Rosedale is rattled by all the conversation lately,” Mrs. Fisher replied; “but seeing her last night drove him wild. Can you believe what he said to me after her TABLEAU? ‘My God, Mrs. Fisher, if I could get Paul Morpeth to paint her like that, the painting would increase in value by a hundred percent in ten years.’”
“By Jove,—but isn’t she about somewhere?” exclaimed Van Alstyne, restoring his glass with an uneasy glance.
“By Jove,—but isn’t she around here somewhere?” exclaimed Van Alstyne, adjusting his glass with a nervous glance.
“No; she ran off while you were all mixing the punch down stairs. Where was she going, by the way? What’s on tonight? I hadn’t heard of anything.”
“No, she took off while you were all mixing the punch downstairs. Where was she headed, by the way? What’s happening tonight? I hadn’t heard of anything.”
“Oh, not a party, I think,” said an inexperienced young Farish who had arrived late. “I put her in her cab as I was coming in, and she gave the driver the Trenors’ address.”
“Oh, not a party, I guess,” said a naive young Farish who had arrived late. “I put her in her cab as I was coming in, and she told the driver the Trenors’ address.”
“The Trenors’?” exclaimed Mrs. Jack Stepney. “Why, the house is closed—Judy telephoned me from Bellomont this evening.”
“The Trenors’?” exclaimed Mrs. Jack Stepney. “Wait, the house is closed—Judy called me from Bellomont this evening.”
“Did she? That’s queer. I’m sure I’m not mistaken. Well, come now, Trenor’s there, anyhow—I—oh, well—the fact is, I’ve no head for numbers,” he broke off, admonished by the nudge of an adjoining foot, and the smile that circled the room.
“Did she? That’s weird. I’m sure I’m not wrong. Anyway, Trenor’s there, so—I—oh, well—the truth is, I’m not good with numbers,” he stopped suddenly, nudged by a foot next to him, and the smile that spread around the room.
In its unpleasant light Selden had risen and was shaking hands with his hostess. The air of the place stifled him, and he wondered why he had stayed in it so long.
In its uncomfortable light, Selden stood up and shook hands with his hostess. The atmosphere in the room was suffocating, and he questioned why he had stayed there for so long.
On the doorstep he stood still, remembering a phrase of Lily’s: “It seems to me you spend a good deal of time in the element you disapprove of.”
On the doorstep, he paused, recalling a phrase Lily once said: “It seems to me you spend a lot of time in the environment you don’t approve of.”
Well—what had brought him there but the quest of her? It was her element, not his. But he would lift her out of it, take her beyond! That BEYOND! on her letter was like a cry for rescue. He knew that Perseus’s task is not done when he has loosed Andromeda’s chains, for her limbs are numb with bondage, and she cannot rise and walk, but clings to him with dragging arms as he beats back to land with his burden. Well, he had strength for both—it was her weakness which had put the strength in him. It was not, alas, a clean rush of waves they had to win through, but a clogging morass of old associations and habits, and for the moment its vapours were in his throat. But he would see clearer, breathe freer in her presence: she was at once the dead weight at his breast and the spar which should float them to safety. He smiled at the whirl of metaphor with which he was trying to build up a defence against the influences of the last hour. It was pitiable that he, who knew the mixed motives on which social judgments depend, should still feel himself so swayed by them. How could he lift Lily to a freer vision of life, if his own view of her was to be coloured by any mind in which he saw her reflected?
Well—what had brought him there but the quest for her? It was her world, not his. But he would pull her out of it, take her beyond! That BEYOND! in her letter felt like a cry for help. He understood that Perseus’s job isn’t done when he frees Andromeda from her chains; her limbs are weak from captivity, and she can’t stand or walk, but clings to him with heavy arms as he struggles back to shore with his burden. Well, he had enough strength for both—it was her vulnerability that had given him strength. It was not, unfortunately, a clear path through waves they had to navigate, but a thick swamp of old memories and habits, and for the moment its fog was choking him. But he would see more clearly, breathe more easily in her presence: she was both the heavy weight against his chest and the buoy that would help them to safety. He smiled at the whirlwind of metaphors he was using to shield himself from the influences of the last hour. It was sad that he, who knew the complex motivations behind social judgments, should still feel so affected by them. How could he help Lily see life more freely if his own perception of her was influenced by any perspective in which he saw her reflected?
The moral oppression had produced a physical craving for air, and he strode on, opening his lungs to the reverberating coldness of the night. At the corner of Fifth Avenue Van Alstyne hailed him with an offer of company.
The weight of moral oppression had created a need for fresh air, and he walked on, filling his lungs with the chilling night air. At the corner of Fifth Avenue, Van Alstyne called out to him, offering to join him.
“Walking? A good thing to blow the smoke out of one’s head. Now that women have taken to tobacco we live in a bath of nicotine. It would be a curious thing to study the effect of cigarettes on the relation of the sexes. Smoke is almost as great a solvent as divorce: both tend to obscure the moral issue.”
“Walking? It's a great way to clear your head. Now that women have started smoking, we're surrounded by nicotine. It would be interesting to examine how cigarettes affect relationships between men and women. Smoke is almost as effective at blurring the moral issues as divorce: both tend to cloud the real problems.”
Nothing could have been less consonant with Selden’s mood than Van Alstyne’s after-dinner aphorisms, but as long as the latter confined himself to generalities his listener’s nerves were in control. Happily Van Alstyne prided himself on his summing-up of social aspects, and with Selden for audience was eager to show the sureness of his touch. Mrs. Fisher lived in an East side street near the Park, and as the two men walked down Fifth Avenue the new architectural developments of that versatile thoroughfare invited Van Alstyne’s comment.
Nothing could have been less in tune with Selden’s mood than Van Alstyne’s after-dinner sayings, but as long as he stuck to general topics, Selden was able to keep his nerves in check. Fortunately, Van Alstyne took pride in his ability to summarize social matters, and with Selden listening, he was eager to showcase his insight. Mrs. Fisher lived on an East Side street near the Park, and as the two men walked down Fifth Avenue, the new buildings along that dynamic street prompted Van Alstyne to share his thoughts.
“That Greiner house, now—a typical rung in the social ladder! The man who built it came from a MILIEU where all the dishes are put on the table at once. His facade is a complete architectural meal; if he had omitted a style his friends might have thought the money had given out. Not a bad purchase for Rosedale, though: attracts attention, and awes the Western sight-seer. By and bye he’ll get out of that phase, and want something that the crowd will pass and the few pause before. Especially if he marries my clever cousin——”
“That Greiner house, now—a typical step on the social ladder! The guy who built it came from a background where all the dishes are served at once. His exterior is a total architectural feast; if he had skipped a style, his friends might have thought he ran out of money. Not a bad buy for Rosedale, though: it draws attention and impresses Western tourists. Eventually, he'll move on from that phase and want something that the masses walk by but the few stop to admire. Especially if he marries my sharp cousin——”
Selden dashed in with the query: “And the Wellington Brys’? Rather clever of its kind, don’t you think?”
Selden rushed in with the question: “What about the Wellington Brys’? Pretty clever for what it is, don’t you think?”
They were just beneath the wide white facade, with its rich restraint of line, which suggested the clever corseting of a redundant figure.
They were right below the large white exterior, with its elegant simplicity of lines, which hinted at the skillful shaping of an overflowing figure.
“That’s the next stage: the desire to imply that one has been to Europe, and has a standard. I’m sure Mrs. Bry thinks her house a copy of the TRIANON; in America every marble house with gilt furniture is thought to be a copy of the TRIANON. What a clever chap that architect is, though—how he takes his client’s measure! He has put the whole of Mrs. Bry in his use of the composite order. Now for the Trenors, you remember, he chose the Corinthian: exuberant, but based on the best precedent. The Trenor house is one of his best things—doesn’t look like a banqueting-hall turned inside out. I hear Mrs. Trenor wants to build out a new ball-room, and that divergence from Gus on that point keeps her at Bellomont. The dimensions of the Brys’ ball-room must rankle: you may be sure she knows ’em as well as if she’d been there last night with a yard-measure. Who said she was in town, by the way? That Farish boy? She isn’t, I know; Mrs. Stepney was right; the house is dark, you see: I suppose Gus lives in the back.”
"That’s the next stage: the desire to suggest that one has been to Europe and has a certain standard. I’m sure Mrs. Bry thinks her house is a replica of the TRIANON; in America, every marble house with gold furniture is considered a version of the TRIANON. What a clever guy that architect is, though—how he figures out what his clients want! He’s really captured the essence of Mrs. Bry in his use of the composite order. Now, for the Trenors, you remember, he went with the Corinthian style: flashy, but based on solid principles. The Trenor house is one of his best works—it doesn’t look like a banquet hall turned inside out. I hear Mrs. Trenor wants to expand for a new ballroom, and that disagreement with Gus has her staying at Bellomont. The size of the Brys’ ballroom must annoy her: you can bet she knows the dimensions just as if she’d measured it last night with a yardstick. Who said she was in town, by the way? That Farish kid? She isn’t, I know; Mrs. Stepney was right; the house is dark, you see: I guess Gus lives in the back."
He had halted opposite the Trenors’ corner, and Selden perforce stayed his steps also. The house loomed obscure and uninhabited; only an oblong gleam above the door spoke of provisional occupancy.
He had stopped in front of the Trenors’ corner, and Selden had to stop too. The house looked dark and empty; only a rectangular light above the door indicated that someone was temporarily living there.
“They’ve bought the house at the back: it gives them a hundred and fifty feet in the side street. There’s where the ball-room’s to be, with a gallery connecting it: billiard-room and so on above. I suggested changing the entrance, and carrying the drawing-room across the whole Fifth Avenue front; you see the front door corresponds with the windows——”
“They’ve bought the house in the back: it gives them one hundred and fifty feet on the side street. That’s where the ballroom will be, with a gallery connecting it: billiard room and so on above. I suggested changing the entrance and extending the drawing room across the entire Fifth Avenue front; you see the front door lines up with the windows——”
The walking-stick which Van Alstyne swung in demonstration dropped to a startled “Hallo!” as the door opened and two figures were seen silhouetted against the hall-light. At the same moment a hansom halted at the curb-stone, and one of the figures floated down to it in a haze of evening draperies; while the other, black and bulky, remained persistently projected against the light.
The walking stick that Van Alstyne waved around fell in surprise when someone called out "Hello!" as the door opened and two figures appeared outlined by the hallway light. At the same time, a cab came to a stop at the curb, and one of the figures gracefully stepped down into it, surrounded by flowing evening wear, while the other figure, large and dark, continued to stand firmly against the light.
For an immeasurable second the two spectators of the incident were silent; then the house-door closed, the hansom rolled off, and the whole scene slipped by as if with the turn of a stereopticon.
For an endless moment, the two witnesses of the event were quiet; then the front door shut, the taxi pulled away, and the entire scene faded away as if it were a slide show ending.
Van Alstyne dropped his eye-glass with a low whistle.
Van Alstyne dropped his glasses with a low whistle.
“A—hem—nothing of this, eh, Selden? As one of the family, I know I may count on you—appearances are deceptive—and Fifth Avenue is so imperfectly lighted——”
“A—hem—none of this, right, Selden? As part of the family, I know I can count on you—things aren’t always what they seem—and Fifth Avenue is so poorly lit——”
“Goodnight,” said Selden, turning sharply down the side street without seeing the other’s extended hand.
“Goodnight,” Selden said, abruptly turning down the side street without noticing the other person’s outstretched hand.
Alone with her cousin’s kiss, Gerty stared upon her thoughts. He had kissed her before—but not with another woman on his lips. If he had spared her that she could have drowned quietly, welcoming the dark flood as it submerged her. But now the flood was shot through with glory, and it was harder to drown at sunrise than in darkness. Gerty hid her face from the light, but it pierced to the crannies of her soul. She had been so contented, life had seemed so simple and sufficient—why had he come to trouble her with new hopes? And Lily—Lily, her best friend! Woman-like, she accused the woman. Perhaps, had it not been for Lily, her fond imagining might have become truth. Selden had always liked her—had understood and sympathized with the modest independence of her life. He, who had the reputation of weighing all things in the nice balance of fastidious perceptions, had been uncritical and simple in his view of her: his cleverness had never overawed her because she had felt at home in his heart. And now she was thrust out, and the door barred against her by Lily’s hand! Lily, for whose admission there she herself had pleaded! The situation was lighted up by a dreary flash of irony. She knew Selden—she saw how the force of her faith in Lily must have helped to dispel his hesitations. She remembered, too, how Lily had talked of him—she saw herself bringing the two together, making them known to each other. On Selden’s part, no doubt, the wound inflicted was inconscient; he had never guessed her foolish secret; but Lily—Lily must have known! When, in such matters, are a woman’s perceptions at fault? And if she knew, then she had deliberately despoiled her friend, and in mere wantonness of power, since, even to Gerty’s suddenly flaming jealousy, it seemed incredible that Lily should wish to be Selden’s wife. Lily might be incapable of marrying for money, but she was equally incapable of living without it, and Selden’s eager investigations into the small economies of house-keeping made him appear to Gerty as tragically duped as herself.
Alone with her cousin’s kiss, Gerty reflected on her feelings. He had kissed her before—but never with another woman on his lips. If he had spared her that, she could have quietly sunk into darkness, welcoming the overwhelming tide as it enveloped her. But now the tide was filled with glory, and it felt harder to drown in the sunlight than in the shadows. Gerty hid her face from the light, but it penetrated deep within her soul. She had been so content; life had seemed so simple and enough—why had he come to complicate her with new hopes? And Lily—Lily, her best friend! Woman-like, she blamed the other woman. Perhaps, if it hadn't been for Lily, her hopeful fantasies might have turned into reality. Selden had always liked her—he understood and empathized with the modest independence of her life. He, who was known for scrutinizing everything with delicate perceptions, had been uncritical and straightforward in his view of her: his intelligence had never intimidated her because she felt at home in his heart. And now, she was pushed aside, and the door was shut against her by Lily’s hand! Lily, for whose entrance there she herself had advocated! The situation was lit up by a gloomy flash of irony. She knew Selden—she realized how her faith in Lily must have helped to clear away his doubts. She remembered how Lily had talked about him—she envisioned herself bringing them together, introducing them to each other. No doubt, Selden had caused the pain without realizing it; he had never guessed her silly secret; but Lily—Lily must have known! When, in such matters, is a woman’s intuition ever wrong? And if she knew, then she had intentionally betrayed her friend, merely out of a reckless sense of power, since, even to Gerty’s suddenly burning jealousy, it seemed unbelievable that Lily would want to be Selden’s wife. Lily may not be able to marry for money, but she couldn't live without it either, and Selden’s eager inquiries into the little details of managing a household made him appear to Gerty as tragically deceived as she was.
She remained long in her sitting-room, where the embers were crumbling to cold grey, and the lamp paled under its gay shade. Just beneath it stood the photograph of Lily Bart, looking out imperially on the cheap gimcracks, the cramped furniture of the little room. Could Selden picture her in such an interior? Gerty felt the poverty, the insignificance of her surroundings: she beheld her life as it must appear to Lily. And the cruelty of Lily’s judgments smote upon her memory. She saw that she had dressed her idol with attributes of her own making. When had Lily ever really felt, or pitied, or understood? All she wanted was the taste of new experiences: she seemed like some cruel creature experimenting in a laboratory.
She stayed a long time in her sitting room, where the embers were turning to cold gray and the lamp dimmed under its bright shade. Just below it was a photograph of Lily Bart, looking down imperiously on the cheap trinkets and cramped furniture in the small room. Could Selden imagine her in such an environment? Gerty felt the poverty and insignificance of her surroundings: she saw her life as it must look to Lily. The harshness of Lily’s judgments hit her memory hard. She realized that she had dressed her idol with qualities of her own making. When had Lily ever truly felt, or shown pity, or understood? All she wanted was to taste new experiences: she seemed like some heartless creature experimenting in a lab.
The pink-faced clock drummed out another hour, and Gerty rose with a start. She had an appointment early the next morning with a district visitor on the East side. She put out her lamp, covered the fire, and went into her bedroom to undress. In the little glass above her dressing-table she saw her face reflected against the shadows of the room, and tears blotted the reflection. What right had she to dream the dreams of loveliness? A dull face invited a dull fate. She cried quietly as she undressed, laying aside her clothes with her habitual precision, setting everything in order for the next day, when the old life must be taken up as though there had been no break in its routine. Her servant did not come till eight o’clock, and she prepared her own tea-tray and placed it beside the bed. Then she locked the door of the flat, extinguished her light and lay down. But on her bed sleep would not come, and she lay face to face with the fact that she hated Lily Bart. It closed with her in the darkness like some formless evil to be blindly grappled with. Reason, judgment, renunciation, all the sane daylight forces, were beaten back in the sharp struggle for self-preservation. She wanted happiness—wanted it as fiercely and unscrupulously as Lily did, but without Lily’s power of obtaining it. And in her conscious impotence she lay shivering, and hated her friend——
The pink-faced clock ticked off another hour, and Gerty jumped up, startled. She had an appointment early the next morning with a district visitor on the East Side. She turned off her lamp, put out the fire, and went into her bedroom to get undressed. In the small mirror above her dressing table, she saw her face reflected against the shadows of the room, and tears blurred the reflection. What right did she have to dream of beauty? A plain face meant a plain life. She cried softly as she undressed, carefully laying aside her clothes, organizing everything for the next day, when she would have to return to her old routine as if nothing had changed. Her servant wouldn't come until eight o'clock, so she made her own tea tray and set it beside the bed. Then she locked the door to the apartment, turned off her light, and lay down. But sleep wouldn't come, and she found herself face-to-face with the fact that she hated Lily Bart. It closed in on her in the darkness like some formless evil she had to fight against. Reason, judgment, renunciation—all the rational forces of daylight—were pushed back in the intense struggle for self-preservation. She wanted happiness—wanted it as fiercely and without restraint as Lily did, but without Lily's ability to get it. And in her awareness of her own inability, she lay shivering and hated her friend.
A ring at the door-bell caught her to her feet. She struck a light and stood startled, listening. For a moment her heart beat incoherently, then she felt the sobering touch of fact, and remembered that such calls were not unknown in her charitable work. She flung on her dressing-gown to answer the summons, and unlocking her door, confronted the shining vision of Lily Bart.
A ring at the doorbell got her to her feet. She lit a match and stood there, startled, listening. For a moment, her heart was racing, then she felt the reality of the situation and remembered that visits like this were common in her volunteer work. She quickly put on her robe to answer the door, and after unlocking it, she faced the bright sight of Lily Bart.
Gerty’s first movement was one of revulsion. She shrank back as though Lily’s presence flashed too sudden a light upon her misery. Then she heard her name in a cry, had a glimpse of her friend’s face, and felt herself caught and clung to.
Gerty's first reaction was one of disgust. She recoiled as if Lily's presence had shone too bright a light on her sadness. Then she heard her name being called, caught a glimpse of her friend's face, and felt herself being pulled in and holding on.
“Lily—what is it?” she exclaimed.
"Lily—what’s wrong?" she exclaimed.
Miss Bart released her, and stood breathing brokenly, like one who has gained shelter after a long flight.
Miss Bart let her go and stood there, breathing heavily, like someone who has finally found refuge after a long escape.
“I was so cold—I couldn’t go home. Have you a fire?”
“I was freezing—I couldn’t go home. Do you have a fire?”
Gerty’s compassionate instincts, responding to the swift call of habit, swept aside all her reluctances. Lily was simply some one who needed help—for what reason, there was no time to pause and conjecture: disciplined sympathy checked the wonder on Gerty’s lips, and made her draw her friend silently into the sitting-room and seat her by the darkened hearth.
Gerty’s caring instincts, reacting quickly out of habit, brushed aside all her hesitations. Lily was just someone who needed help—there wasn't time to think about why: her practiced empathy silenced the questions on Gerty’s lips and prompted her to lead her friend quietly into the living room and sit her by the darkened fireplace.
“There is kindling wood here: the fire will burn in a minute.”
“There’s kindling here: the fire will start in a minute.”
She knelt down, and the flame leapt under her rapid hands. It flashed strangely through the tears which still blurred her eyes, and smote on the white ruin of Lily’s face. The girls looked at each other in silence; then Lily repeated: “I couldn’t go home.”
She knelt down, and the flame flickered under her quick hands. It flashed oddly through the tears still blurring her eyes, and struck the pale ruins of Lily’s face. The girls stared at each other in silence; then Lily said again, “I couldn’t go home.”
“No—no—you came here, dear! You’re cold and tired—sit quiet, and I’ll make you some tea.”
“No—no—you came here, sweetheart! You’re cold and tired—sit still, and I’ll make you some tea.”
Gerty had unconsciously adopted the soothing note of her trade: all personal feeling was merged in the sense of ministry, and experience had taught her that the bleeding must be stayed before the wound is probed.
Gerty had unknowingly taken on the calming tone of her profession: all her personal emotions were blended into the feeling of service, and experience had shown her that they needed to stop the bleeding before examining the wound.
Lily sat quiet, leaning to the fire: the clatter of cups behind her soothed her as familiar noises hush a child whom silence has kept wakeful. But when Gerty stood at her side with the tea she pushed it away, and turned an estranged eye on the familiar room.
Lily sat quietly, leaning toward the fire: the sound of cups clattering behind her calmed her, just like familiar noises soothe a child who can’t sleep in the silence. But when Gerty came over with the tea, she pushed it away and looked at the familiar room with a distant gaze.
“I came here because I couldn’t bear to be alone,” she said.
“I came here because I couldn’t stand being alone,” she said.
Gerty set down the cup and knelt beside her.
Gerty put down the cup and knelt next to her.
“Lily! Something has happened—can’t you tell me?”
“Lily! Something has happened—can’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t bear to lie awake in my room till morning. I hate my room at Aunt Julia’s—so I came here——”
“I couldn’t stand being awake in my room until morning. I really dislike my room at Aunt Julia’s—so I came here——”
She stirred suddenly, broke from her apathy, and clung to Gerty in a fresh burst of fear.
She suddenly stirred, snapped out of her apathy, and clung to Gerty in a new wave of fear.
“Oh, Gerty, the furies . . . you know the noise of their wings—alone, at night, in the dark? But you don’t know—there is nothing to make the dark dreadful to you——”
“Oh, Gerty, the furies... you know the sound of their wings—alone, at night, in the dark? But you don’t realize—there’s nothing that can make the dark terrifying to you—”
The words, flashing back on Gerty’s last hours, struck from her a faint derisive murmur; but Lily, in the blaze of her own misery, was blinded to everything outside it.
The words, reflecting on Gerty's last hours, prompted a faint mocking murmur from her; however, Lily, caught up in her own suffering, was oblivious to everything beyond it.
“You’ll let me stay? I shan’t mind when daylight comes—Is it late? Is the night nearly over? It must be awful to be sleepless—everything stands by the bed and stares——”
“You'll let me stay? I won't mind when daylight comes—Is it late? Is the night almost over? It must be terrible to be sleepless—everything stands by the bed and stares——”
Miss Farish caught her straying hands. “Lily, look at me! Something has happened—an accident? You have been frightened—what has frightened you? Tell me if you can—a word or two—so that I can help you.”
Miss Farish grabbed her wandering hands. “Lily, look at me! Something's happened—an accident? You've been scared—what scared you? Just let me know if you can—a word or two—so I can help you.”
Lily shook her head.
Lily shook her head.
“I am not frightened: that’s not the word. Can you imagine looking into your glass some morning and seeing a disfigurement—some hideous change that has come to you while you slept? Well, I seem to myself like that—I can’t bear to see myself in my own thoughts—I hate ugliness, you know—I’ve always turned from it—but I can’t explain to you—you wouldn’t understand.”
“I’m not scared; that’s not the right word. Can you picture waking up one morning and looking in the mirror, only to see a disfigurement—some awful change that happened while you were asleep? That’s how I feel—I can’t stand to confront my own thoughts—I hate ugliness, you know—I’ve always shied away from it—but I can’t explain it to you—you wouldn’t get it.”
She lifted her head and her eyes fell on the clock.
She looked up and her eyes landed on the clock.
“How long the night is! And I know I shan’t sleep tomorrow. Some one told me my father used to lie sleepless and think of horrors. And he was not wicked, only unfortunate—and I see now how he must have suffered, lying alone with his thoughts! But I am bad—a bad girl—all my thoughts are bad—I have always had bad people about me. Is that any excuse? I thought I could manage my own life—I was proud—proud! but now I’m on their level——”
“How long is this night! And I know I won’t sleep tomorrow. Someone told me my dad used to lie awake and think about terrible things. He wasn’t evil, just unfortunate—and I realize now how he must have suffered, lying alone with his thoughts! But I’m bad—a bad girl—all my thoughts are bad—I’ve always had bad people around me. Is that any excuse? I thought I could handle my own life—I was proud—proud! But now I’m on their level——”
Sobs shook her, and she bowed to them like a tree in a dry storm.
Sobs trembled through her, and she bent to them like a tree in a dry storm.
Gerty knelt beside her, waiting, with the patience born of experience, till this gust of misery should loosen fresh speech. She had first imagined some physical shock, some peril of the crowded streets, since Lily was presumably on her way home from Carry Fisher’s; but she now saw that other nerve-centres were smitten, and her mind trembled back from conjecture.
Gerty knelt beside her, waiting with the patience that comes from experience, until this wave of misery would allow for new words to come out. At first, she thought it might be some physical shock, some danger from the crowded streets, since Lily was presumably on her way home from Carry Fisher’s. But now she realized that other emotional triggers were affected, and her mind recoiled from guessing.
Lily’s sobs ceased, and she lifted her head.
Lily stopped crying and raised her head.
“There are bad girls in your slums. Tell me—do they ever pick themselves up? Ever forget, and feel as they did before?”
“There are troublemaker girls in your neighborhoods. Tell me—do they ever manage to turn their lives around? Do they ever forget and feel the way they used to?”
“Lily! you mustn’t speak so—you’re dreaming.”
“Lily! You shouldn’t talk like that—you’re dreaming.”
“Don’t they always go from bad to worse? There’s no turning back—your old self rejects you, and shuts you out.”
“Don’t things always go from bad to worse? There’s no going back—your old self pushes you away and shuts you out.”
She rose, stretching her arms as if in utter physical weariness. “Go to bed, dear! You work hard and get up early. I’ll watch here by the fire, and you’ll leave the light, and your door open. All I want is to feel that you are near me.” She laid both hands on Gerty’s shoulders, with a smile that was like sunrise on a sea strewn with wreckage.
She got up, stretching her arms as if she was completely exhausted. “Go to bed, sweetie! You work hard and get up early. I’ll keep an eye on things by the fire, and you can leave the light and your door open. All I want is to feel that you’re close to me.” She placed both hands on Gerty’s shoulders, smiling like a sunrise over a sea filled with wreckage.
“I can’t leave you, Lily. Come and lie on my bed. Your hands are frozen—you must undress and be made warm.” Gerty paused with sudden compunction. “But Mrs. Peniston—it’s past midnight! What will she think?”
“I can’t leave you, Lily. Come and lie on my bed. Your hands are frozen—you need to take off your clothes and warm up.” Gerty hesitated for a moment, feeling a pang of guilt. “But Mrs. Peniston—it’s after midnight! What will she think?”
“She goes to bed. I have a latchkey. It doesn’t matter—I can’t go back there.”
“She goes to bed. I have a key. It doesn't matter—I can't go back there.”
“There’s no need to: you shall stay here. But you must tell me where you have been. Listen, Lily—it will help you to speak!” She regained Miss Bart’s hands, and pressed them against her. “Try to tell me—it will clear your poor head. Listen—you were dining at Carry Fisher’s.” Gerty paused and added with a flash of heroism: “Lawrence Selden went from here to find you.”
“There’s no need to: you should stay here. But you have to tell me where you’ve been. Listen, Lily—it will help you to talk!” She took Miss Bart’s hands and pressed them against her. “Try to tell me—it will clear your troubled mind. Listen—you were having dinner at Carry Fisher’s.” Gerty paused and added with a burst of courage: “Lawrence Selden left here to find you.”
At the word, Lily’s face melted from locked anguish to the open misery of a child. Her lips trembled and her gaze widened with tears.
At the word, Lily's face shifted from frozen torment to the raw sadness of a child. Her lips quivered and her eyes filled with tears.
“He went to find me? And I missed him! Oh, Gerty, he tried to help me. He told me—he warned me long ago—he foresaw that I should grow hateful to myself!”
“He came looking for me? And I missed him! Oh, Gerty, he tried to help me. He told me—he warned me a long time ago—he predicted that I would end up hating myself!”
The name, as Gerty saw with a clutch at the heart, had loosened the springs of self-pity in her friend’s dry breast, and tear by tear Lily poured out the measure of her anguish. She had dropped sideways in Gerty’s big arm-chair, her head buried where lately Selden’s had leaned, in a beauty of abandonment that drove home to Gerty’s aching senses the inevitableness of her own defeat. Ah, it needed no deliberate purpose on Lily’s part to rob her of her dream! To look on that prone loveliness was to see in it a natural force, to recognize that love and power belong to such as Lily, as renunciation and service are the lot of those they despoil. But if Selden’s infatuation seemed a fatal necessity, the effect that his name produced shook Gerty’s steadfastness with a last pang. Men pass through such superhuman loves and outlive them: they are the probation subduing the heart to human joys. How gladly Gerty would have welcomed the ministry of healing: how willingly have soothed the sufferer back to tolerance of life! But Lily’s self-betrayal took this last hope from her. The mortal maid on the shore is helpless against the siren who loves her prey: such victims are floated back dead from their adventure.
The name, as Gerty felt a pang in her heart, had unleashed the flood of self-pity in her friend’s dry chest, and tear by tear, Lily expressed her anguish. She had slumped sideways in Gerty’s large armchair, her head buried where Selden's had just rested, in a striking beauty of abandonment that pressed down on Gerty’s aching senses, making her realize the inevitability of her own defeat. It didn’t require any intentional action from Lily to take away her dream! Just looking at that vulnerable beauty was to see a natural force, to understand that love and power belonged to someone like Lily, while renunciation and service were the fate of those they victimized. But while Selden’s fascination seemed like a fatal inevitability, the impact of his name broke Gerty’s resolve with one last sharp pain. Men go through such extraordinary loves and eventually move on: they are the trials that subdue the heart to life's joys. How gladly Gerty would have embraced the role of healer: how willingly she would have soothed the sufferer back to embracing life! But Lily’s betrayal took that last hope away from her. The mortal woman on the shore is powerless against the siren who loves her victim: such victims often return lifeless from their adventures.
Lily sprang up and caught her with strong hands. “Gerty, you know him—you understand him—tell me; if I went to him, if I told him everything—if I said: ‘I am bad through and through—I want admiration, I want excitement, I want money—’ yes, MONEY! That’s my shame, Gerty—and it’s known, it’s said of me—it’s what men think of me—If I said it all to him—told him the whole story—said plainly: ‘I’ve sunk lower than the lowest, for I’ve taken what they take, and not paid as they pay’—oh, Gerty, you know him, you can speak for him: if I told him everything would he loathe me? Or would he pity me, and understand me, and save me from loathing myself?”
Lily jumped up and grabbed her with strong hands. “Gerty, you know him—you get him—tell me; if I went to him, if I told him everything—if I said: ‘I’m completely bad—I crave admiration, I want excitement, I want money—’ yes, MONEY! That’s my shame, Gerty—and it’s known, people talk about it—it’s what men think of me—If I laid it all out to him—shared the whole story—said plainly: ‘I’ve sunk lower than the lowest, because I’ve taken what they take, and not paid like they pay’—oh, Gerty, you know him, you can speak for him: if I revealed everything, would he hate me? Or would he feel sorry for me, understand me, and help me stop hating myself?”
Gerty stood cold and passive. She knew the hour of her probation had come, and her poor heart beat wildly against its destiny. As a dark river sweeps by under a lightning flash, she saw her chance of happiness surge past under a flash of temptation. What prevented her from saying: “He is like other men?” She was not so sure of him, after all! But to do so would have been like blaspheming her love. She could not put him before herself in any light but the noblest: she must trust him to the height of her own passion.
Gerty stood there, cold and passive. She knew the moment of her trial had arrived, and her heart raced wildly against its fate. Like a dark river rushing by under a bolt of lightning, she saw her chance at happiness surge past in a moment of temptation. What stopped her from saying, “He’s just like any other guy?” She wasn't completely sure about him, after all! But to say that would feel like betraying her love. She couldn’t see him in any way other than the best: she had to trust him with the depth of her own passion.
“Yes: I know him; he will help you,” she said; and in a moment Lily’s passion was weeping itself out against her breast.
“Yes: I know him; he will help you,” she said; and in a moment, Lily’s passion was crying itself out against her chest.
There was but one bed in the little flat, and the two girls lay down on it side by side when Gerty had unlaced Lily’s dress and persuaded her to put her lips to the warm tea. The light extinguished, they lay still in the darkness, Gerty shrinking to the outer edge of the narrow couch to avoid contact with her bed-fellow. Knowing that Lily disliked to be caressed, she had long ago learned to check her demonstrative impulses toward her friend. But tonight every fibre in her body shrank from Lily’s nearness: it was torture to listen to her breathing, and feel the sheet stir with it. As Lily turned, and settled to completer rest, a strand of her hair swept Gerty’s cheek with its fragrance. Everything about her was warm and soft and scented: even the stains of her grief became her as rain-drops do the beaten rose. But as Gerty lay with arms drawn down her side, in the motionless narrowness of an effigy, she felt a stir of sobs from the breathing warmth beside her, and Lily flung out her hand, groped for her friend’s, and held it fast.
There was only one bed in the small apartment, and the two girls lay down on it side by side after Gerty had unbuttoned Lily’s dress and convinced her to sip the warm tea. With the light off, they lay still in the darkness, Gerty moving to the edge of the narrow bed to avoid touching her roommate. Knowing that Lily didn’t like to be cuddled, she had learned to control her affectionate impulses toward her friend a long time ago. But tonight every part of her recoiled from Lily’s closeness: it was torture to hear her breathing and feel the sheet shift with it. As Lily turned and settled in for complete rest, a strand of her hair brushed against Gerty’s cheek, leaving behind its fragrance. Everything about her was warm, soft, and scented: even the signs of her sadness suited her like raindrops on a wilted rose. But as Gerty lay with her arms pressed down by her sides, unmoving like a statue, she felt a shudder of sobs from the warm body beside her, and Lily reached out her hand, searched for her friend’s, and held it tightly.
“Hold me, Gerty, hold me, or I shall think of things,” she moaned; and Gerty silently slipped an arm under her, pillowing her head in its hollow as a mother makes a nest for a tossing child. In the warm hollow Lily lay still and her breathing grew low and regular. Her hand still clung to Gerty’s as if to ward off evil dreams, but the hold of her fingers relaxed, her head sank deeper into its shelter, and Gerty felt that she slept.
“Hold me, Gerty, hold me, or I’ll start thinking about things,” she moaned; and Gerty quietly slipped an arm under her, cradling her head in its curve like a mother making a nest for a restless child. In the warm embrace, Lily lay still and her breathing became soft and steady. Her hand still held onto Gerty’s, as if to keep away bad dreams, but her grip loosened, her head sunk deeper into its refuge, and Gerty sensed that she had fallen asleep.
Chapter 15
When Lily woke she had the bed to herself, and the winter light was in the room.
When Lily woke up, she had the bed to herself, and the winter light filled the room.
She sat up, bewildered by the strangeness of her surroundings; then memory returned, and she looked about her with a shiver. In the cold slant of light reflected from the back wall of a neighbouring building, she saw her evening dress and opera cloak lying in a tawdry heap on a chair. Finery laid off is as unappetizing as the remains of a feast, and it occurred to Lily that, at home, her maid’s vigilance had always spared her the sight of such incongruities. Her body ached with fatigue, and with the constriction of her attitude in Gerty’s bed. All through her troubled sleep she had been conscious of having no space to toss in, and the long effort to remain motionless made her feel as if she had spent her night in a train.
She sat up, confused by how unfamiliar everything felt around her; then memories came flooding back, and she looked around with a shiver. In the cold light reflecting off the back wall of a nearby building, she saw her evening dress and opera cloak tossed in a messy pile on a chair. Clothes thrown aside are as unappealing as leftover food, and it struck Lily that, at home, her maid’s watchfulness always kept her from seeing such jarring sights. Her body ached with exhaustion, and she felt cramped from how she had to position herself in Gerty’s bed. Throughout her restless sleep, she had been aware of not having enough room to move, and the long struggle to stay still made it feel like she’d spent the night on a train.
This sense of physical discomfort was the first to assert itself; then she perceived, beneath it, a corresponding mental prostration, a languor of horror more insufferable than the first rush of her disgust. The thought of having to wake every morning with this weight on her breast roused her tired mind to fresh effort. She must find some way out of the slough into which she had stumbled: it was not so much compunction as the dread of her morning thoughts that pressed on her the need of action. But she was unutterably tired; it was weariness to think connectedly. She lay back, looking about the poor slit of a room with a renewal of physical distaste. The outer air, penned between high buildings, brought no freshness through the window; steam-heat was beginning to sing in a coil of dingy pipes, and a smell of cooking penetrated the crack of the door.
This physical discomfort was the first thing she noticed; then she realized, underneath it, a matching mental exhaustion, a feeling of horror even harder to bear than her initial disgust. The thought of having to wake up every morning with this weight on her chest pushed her weary mind to make an effort. She had to find a way out of the mess she had fallen into: it was less about guilt and more about the fear of her morning thoughts that made her feel the need to act. But she was utterly drained; it was exhausting to think straight. She leaned back, glancing around the tiny, shabby room with a renewed sense of physical disgust. The outside air, trapped between tall buildings, brought no freshness through the window; the steam heat began to hiss in a tangle of grimy pipes, and the smell of cooking seeped through the gap in the door.
The door opened, and Gerty, dressed and hatted, entered with a cup of tea. Her face looked sallow and swollen in the dreary light, and her dull hair shaded imperceptibly into the tones of her skin.
The door opened, and Gerty, dressed and wearing a hat, came in with a cup of tea. Her face looked pale and puffy in the gloomy light, and her lifeless hair blended almost seamlessly with the colors of her skin.
She glanced shyly at Lily, asking in an embarrassed tone how she felt; Lily answered with the same constraint, and raised herself up to drink the tea.
She shyly glanced at Lily, asking in an embarrassed tone how she felt; Lily replied with the same hesitance and sat up to drink her tea.
“I must have been over-tired last night; I think I had a nervous attack in the carriage,” she said, as the drink brought clearness to her sluggish thoughts.
“I must have been really tired last night; I think I had a panic attack in the carriage,” she said, as the drink cleared her foggy thoughts.
“You were not well; I am so glad you came here,” Gerty returned.
“You weren’t feeling well; I’m really glad you came here,” Gerty replied.
“But how am I to get home? And Aunt Julia—?”
“But how do I get home? And what about Aunt Julia—?”
“She knows; I telephoned early, and your maid has brought your things. But won’t you eat something? I scrambled the eggs myself.”
“She knows; I called early, and your maid brought your things. But won’t you eat something? I scrambled the eggs myself.”
Lily could not eat; but the tea strengthened her to rise and dress under her maid’s searching gaze. It was a relief to her that Gerty was obliged to hasten away: the two kissed silently, but without a trace of the previous night’s emotion.
Lily couldn’t eat, but the tea gave her the strength to get up and get dressed under her maid’s watchful eye. It was a relief for her that Gerty had to hurry off: the two exchanged a silent kiss, but there was no hint of the emotions from the night before.
Lily found Mrs. Peniston in a state of agitation. She had sent for Grace Stepney and was taking digitalis. Lily breasted the storm of enquiries as best she could, explaining that she had had an attack of faintness on her way back from Carry Fisher’s; that, fearing she would not have strength to reach home, she had gone to Miss Farish’s instead; but that a quiet night had restored her, and that she had no need of a doctor.
Lily found Mrs. Peniston in a state of distress. She had called for Grace Stepney and was taking digitalis. Lily faced the barrage of questions as best she could, explaining that she had felt faint on her way back from Carry Fisher’s; that, worried she wouldn’t have the strength to get home, she had gone to Miss Farish’s instead; but that a calm night had made her feel better, and she didn’t need a doctor.
This was a relief to Mrs. Peniston, who could give herself up to her own symptoms, and Lily was advised to go and lie down, her aunt’s panacea for all physical and moral disorders. In the solitude of her own room she was brought back to a sharp contemplation of facts. Her daylight view of them necessarily differed from the cloudy vision of the night. The winged furies were now prowling gossips who dropped in on each other for tea. But her fears seemed the uglier, thus shorn of their vagueness; and besides, she had to act, not rave. For the first time she forced herself to reckon up the exact amount of her debt to Trenor; and the result of this hateful computation was the discovery that she had, in all, received nine thousand dollars from him. The flimsy pretext on which it had been given and received shrivelled up in the blaze of her shame: she knew that not a penny of it was her own, and that to restore her self-respect she must at once repay the whole amount. The inability thus to solace her outraged feelings gave her a paralyzing sense of insignificance. She was realizing for the first time that a woman’s dignity may cost more to keep up than her carriage; and that the maintenance of a moral attribute should be dependent on dollars and cents, made the world appear a more sordid place than she had conceived it.
This was a relief to Mrs. Peniston, who could focus on her own issues, and Lily was told to go lie down, her aunt’s cure-all for any physical or emotional trouble. In the quiet of her own room, she was forced to confront the facts sharply. Her daytime perspective on them was necessarily different from the murky view of the night. The dreadful worries were now like gossipy friends dropping by for tea. But her fears seemed uglier, stripped of their ambiguity; besides, she needed to act, not just complain. For the first time, she made herself calculate the exact amount she owed Trenor; the result of this terrible math was that she had received a total of nine thousand dollars from him. The flimsy excuse for why it had been given and accepted withered in the brightness of her shame: she realized that not a cent of it was her own, and to regain her self-respect, she had to pay back the entire amount immediately. The inability to soothe her hurt feelings left her with a paralyzing sense of helplessness. She was understanding for the first time that a woman’s dignity could cost more to maintain than her lifestyle; and knowing that keeping a moral standard should depend on dollars and cents made the world seem a more bleak place than she had thought.
After luncheon, when Grace Stepney’s prying eyes had been removed, Lily asked for a word with her aunt. The two ladies went upstairs to the sitting-room, where Mrs. Peniston seated herself in her black satin arm-chair tufted with yellow buttons, beside a bead-work table bearing a bronze box with a miniature of Beatrice Cenci in the lid. Lily felt for these objects the same distaste which the prisoner may entertain for the fittings of the court-room. It was here that her aunt received her rare confidences, and the pink-eyed smirk of the turbaned Beatrice was associated in her mind with the gradual fading of the smile from Mrs. Peniston’s lips. That lady’s dread of a scene gave her an inexorableness which the greatest strength of character could not have produced, since it was independent of all considerations of right or wrong; and knowing this, Lily seldom ventured to assail it. She had never felt less like making the attempt than on the present occasion; but she had sought in vain for any other means of escape from an intolerable situation.
After lunch, when Grace Stepney’s nosy gaze was gone, Lily asked to speak with her aunt. The two women went upstairs to the sitting room, where Mrs. Peniston settled into her black satin armchair with yellow buttons, next to a beaded table that had a bronze box with a miniature of Beatrice Cenci on the lid. Lily felt a deep dislike for these objects, much like a prisoner might feel about the decor in a courtroom. This was where her aunt heard her rare confessions, and the smirk of the turbaned Beatrice was linked in Lily’s mind to the gradual fading of Mrs. Peniston’s smile. Her aunt’s fear of a scene gave her a relentless quality that even the strongest character couldn’t rival, as it was free from any notions of right or wrong; knowing this, Lily rarely tried to confront it. She had never felt less inclined to make the attempt than she did now, but she had searched in vain for any other way out of an unbearable situation.
Mrs. Peniston examined her critically. “You’re a bad colour, Lily: this incessant rushing about is beginning to tell on you,” she said.
Mrs. Peniston looked at her closely. “You don’t look well, Lily: all this constant running around is starting to take a toll on you,” she said.
Miss Bart saw an opening. “I don’t think it’s that, Aunt Julia; I’ve had worries,” she replied.
Miss Bart saw an opportunity. “I don’t think that’s it, Aunt Julia; I’ve been worried,” she replied.
“Ah,” said Mrs. Peniston, shutting her lips with the snap of a purse closing against a beggar.
“Ah,” said Mrs. Peniston, closing her lips with the sharpness of a purse snapping shut against a beggar.
“I’m sorry to bother you with them,” Lily continued, “but I really believe my faintness last night was brought on partly by anxious thoughts—”
“I’m sorry to bother you with this,” Lily continued, “but I genuinely think my faintness last night was partly caused by anxious thoughts—”
“I should have said Carry Fisher’s cook was enough to account for it. She has a woman who was with Maria Melson in 1891—the spring of the year we went to Aix—and I remember dining there two days before we sailed, and feeling SURE the coppers hadn’t been scoured.”
“I should have said Carry Fisher’s cook was enough to explain it. She has a woman who worked with Maria Melson in 1891—the spring of the year we went to Aix—and I remember having dinner there two days before we set sail, and I felt SURE the pots hadn’t been cleaned.”
“I don’t think I ate much; I can’t eat or sleep.” Lily paused, and then said abruptly: “The fact is, Aunt Julia, I owe some money.”
“I don’t think I ate much; I can’t eat or sleep.” Lily paused, and then said suddenly: “The truth is, Aunt Julia, I owe some money.”
Mrs. Peniston’s face clouded perceptibly, but did not express the astonishment her niece had expected. She was silent, and Lily was forced to continue: “I have been foolish——”
Mrs. Peniston’s face darkened slightly, but it didn’t show the shock her niece had anticipated. She remained quiet, and Lily felt she had to keep going: “I’ve been foolish——”
“No doubt you have: extremely foolish,” Mrs. Peniston interposed. “I fail to see how any one with your income, and no expenses—not to mention the handsome presents I’ve always given you——”
“No doubt you have: really foolish,” Mrs. Peniston interrupted. “I don’t understand how anyone with your income and no expenses—not to mention the nice gifts I’ve always given you——”
“Oh, you’ve been most generous, Aunt Julia; I shall never forget your kindness. But perhaps you don’t quite realize the expense a girl is put to nowadays——”
“Oh, you’ve been really generous, Aunt Julia; I’ll never forget your kindness. But maybe you don’t fully understand the costs a girl faces these days——”
“I don’t realize that YOU are put to any expense except for your clothes and your railway fares. I expect you to be handsomely dressed; but I paid Celeste’s bill for you last October.”
“I don’t see that you’re spending anything except on your clothes and train fares. I expect you to be well-dressed; but I covered Celeste’s bill for you last October.”
Lily hesitated: her aunt’s implacable memory had never been more inconvenient. “You were as kind as possible; but I have had to get a few things since——”
Lily hesitated: her aunt’s relentless memory had never been more annoying. “You were as kind as you could be; but I’ve had to get a few things since——”
“What kind of things? Clothes? How much have you spent? Let me see the bill—I daresay the woman is swindling you.”
“What kind of things? Clothes? How much have you spent? Let me see the bill—I bet that woman is ripping you off.”
“Oh, no, I think not: clothes have grown so frightfully expensive; and one needs so many different kinds, with country visits, and golf and skating, and Aiken and Tuxedo——”
“Oh, no, I don’t think so: clothes have become ridiculously expensive; and you need so many different kinds, with trips to the countryside, and golf and skating, and Aiken and Tuxedo——”
“Let me see the bill,” Mrs. Peniston repeated.
“Let me see the bill,” Mrs. Peniston said again.
Lily hesitated again. In the first place, Mme. Celeste had not yet sent in her account, and secondly, the amount it represented was only a fraction of the sum that Lily needed.
Lily hesitated again. First of all, Mme. Celeste hadn't sent in her bill yet, and secondly, the amount it represented was just a small part of the total that Lily needed.
“She hasn’t sent in the bill for my winter things, but I KNOW it’s large; and there are one or two other things; I’ve been careless and imprudent—I’m frightened to think of what I owe——”
“She hasn’t sent me the bill for my winter stuff, but I KNOW it’s going to be big; and there are a couple of other things; I’ve been careless and reckless—I’m scared to think about what I owe——”
She raised the troubled loveliness of her face to Mrs. Peniston, vainly hoping that a sight so moving to the other sex might not be without effect upon her own. But the effect produced was that of making Mrs. Peniston shrink back apprehensively.
She lifted the troubled beauty of her face towards Mrs. Peniston, hoping in vain that a sight so powerful for men might have some impact on her as well. But the result was that Mrs. Peniston recoiled in apprehension.
“Really, Lily, you are old enough to manage your own affairs, and after frightening me to death by your performance of last night you might at least choose a better time to worry me with such matters.” Mrs. Peniston glanced at the clock, and swallowed a tablet of digitalis. “If you owe Celeste another thousand, she may send me her account,” she added, as though to end the discussion at any cost.
“Honestly, Lily, you’re old enough to handle your own issues, and after scaring me half to death with your stunt last night, you could at least pick a better time to stress me out with this stuff.” Mrs. Peniston looked at the clock and took a digitalis tablet. “If you owe Celeste another thousand, she can send me her bill,” she added, as if trying to wrap up the conversation no matter what.
“I am very sorry, Aunt Julia; I hate to trouble you at such a time; but I have really no choice—I ought to have spoken sooner—I owe a great deal more than a thousand dollars.”
“I’m really sorry, Aunt Julia; I hate to bother you right now; but I have no choice—I should have said something earlier—I owe a lot more than a thousand dollars.”
“A great deal more? Do you owe two? She must have robbed you!”
“A lot more? Do you owe two? She must have stolen from you!”
“I told you it was not only Celeste. I—there are other bills—more pressing—that must be settled.”
“I told you it wasn’t just Celeste. I—there are other bills—more urgent—that need to be paid.”
“What on earth have you been buying? Jewelry? You must have gone off your head,” said Mrs. Peniston with asperity. “But if you have run into debt, you must suffer the consequences, and put aside your monthly income till your bills are paid. If you stay quietly here until next spring, instead of racing about all over the country, you will have no expenses at all, and surely in four or five months you can settle the rest of your bills if I pay the dress-maker now.”
“What in the world have you been buying? Jewelry? You must have lost your mind,” Mrs. Peniston said sharply. “But if you've gotten yourself in debt, you'll have to face the consequences and save your monthly income until your bills are paid. If you stay here quietly until next spring instead of running around everywhere, you won’t have any expenses at all, and surely in four or five months you can pay off the rest of your bills if I cover the dressmaker now.”
Lily was again silent. She knew she could not hope to extract even a thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston on the mere plea of paying Celeste’s bill: Mrs. Peniston would expect to go over the dress-maker’s account, and would make out the cheque to her and not to Lily. And yet the money must be obtained before the day was over!
Lily fell silent again. She realized she couldn’t possibly get even a thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston just by claiming it was for paying Celeste’s bill: Mrs. Peniston would want to review the dress-maker’s account and would write the check to her, not to Lily. Yet, the money had to be secured before the day ended!
“The debts I speak of are—different—not like tradesmen’s bills,” she began confusedly; but Mrs. Peniston’s look made her almost afraid to continue. Could it be that her aunt suspected anything? The idea precipitated Lily’s avowal.
“The debts I’m talking about are—different—not like the bills from stores,” she started to say, feeling confused; but Mrs. Peniston’s expression made her almost scared to go on. Could it be that her aunt had some suspicions? The thought pushed Lily to confess.
“The fact is, I’ve played cards a good deal—bridge; the women all do it; girls too—it’s expected. Sometimes I’ve won—won a good deal—but lately I’ve been unlucky—and of course such debts can’t be paid off gradually——”
“The truth is, I’ve played cards a lot—bridge; all the women do it; girls too—it’s the norm. Sometimes I’ve won—won quite a bit—but lately I’ve had bad luck—and of course, those debts can’t be paid off slowly——”
She paused: Mrs. Peniston’s face seemed to be petrifying as she listened.
She paused: Mrs. Peniston’s face looked like it was turning to stone as she listened.
“Cards—you’ve played cards for money? It’s true, then: when I was told so I wouldn’t believe it. I won’t ask if the other horrors I was told were true too; I’ve heard enough for the state of my nerves. When I think of the example you’ve had in this house! But I suppose it’s your foreign bringing-up—no one knew where your mother picked up her friends. And her Sundays were a scandal—that I know.”
“Cards—you’ve played cards for money? It’s true then: when I first heard that, I couldn’t believe it. I won’t ask if the other terrible things I was told are true as well; I’ve heard enough to set my nerves on edge. When I think of the example you’ve had in this house! But I guess it’s because of your foreign upbringing—no one knew where your mother found her friends. And her Sundays were a scandal—that much I know.”
Mrs. Peniston wheeled round suddenly. “You play cards on Sunday?”
Mrs. Peniston turned around suddenly. “You play cards on Sunday?”
Lily flushed with the recollection of certain rainy Sundays at Bellomont and with the Dorsets.
Lily blushed at the memory of those rainy Sundays at Bellomont with the Dorsets.
“You’re hard on me, Aunt Julia: I have never really cared for cards, but a girl hates to be thought priggish and superior, and one drifts into doing what the others do. I’ve had a dreadful lesson, and if you’ll help me out this time I promise you—”
“You're really tough on me, Aunt Julia: I've never been into cards, but a girl doesn't want to come off as uptight and snobby, so you end up going along with what everyone else does. I've learned a harsh lesson, and if you help me out this time, I promise you—”
Mrs. Peniston raised her hand warningly. “You needn’t make any promises: it’s unnecessary. When I offered you a home I didn’t undertake to pay your gambling debts.”
Mrs. Peniston raised her hand, signaling caution. “You don’t need to make any promises; it’s not needed. When I offered you a place to stay, I didn’t agree to pay off your gambling debts.”
“Aunt Julia! You don’t mean that you won’t help me?”
“Aunt Julia! You really can’t mean that you won’t help me?”
“I shall certainly not do anything to give the impression that I countenance your behaviour. If you really owe your dress-maker, I will settle with her—beyond that I recognize no obligation to assume your debts.”
“I will definitely not do anything that suggests I approve of your behavior. If you really owe your dressmaker, I’ll take care of it—other than that, I don’t feel any obligation to take on your debts.”
Lily had risen, and stood pale and quivering before her aunt. Pride stormed in her, but humiliation forced the cry from her lips: “Aunt Julia, I shall be disgraced—I—” But she could go no farther. If her aunt turned such a stony ear to the fiction of the gambling debts, in what spirit would she receive the terrible avowal of the truth?
Lily had gotten up and stood there, pale and shaking in front of her aunt. Pride roared inside her, but humiliation made the words escape her lips: “Aunt Julia, I’m going to be humiliated—I—” But she couldn’t continue. If her aunt was already so cold to the made-up story about the gambling debts, how would she react to the terrible confession of the truth?
“I consider that you ARE disgraced, Lily: disgraced by your conduct far more than by its results. You say your friends have persuaded you to play cards with them; well, they may as well learn a lesson too. They can probably afford to lose a little money—and at any rate, I am not going to waste any of mine in paying them. And now I must ask you to leave me—this scene has been extremely painful, and I have my own health to consider. Draw down the blinds, please; and tell Jennings I will see no one this afternoon but Grace Stepney.”
“I think you're really disgraced, Lily: disgraced by your behavior much more than by what happened afterward. You say your friends convinced you to play cards with them; well, they should learn a lesson as well. They can probably afford to lose a bit of money—and anyway, I’m not going to waste any of mine to pay them. Now, I need you to leave me—this has been really painful, and I have my own health to think about. Please pull down the blinds, and tell Jennings I’ll see no one this afternoon except Grace Stepney.”
Lily went up to her own room and bolted the door. She was trembling with fear and anger—the rush of the furies’ wings was in her ears. She walked up and down the room with blind irregular steps. The last door of escape was closed—she felt herself shut in with her dishonour.
Lily went to her room and locked the door. She was shaking with fear and anger—the sound of the furies’ wings filled her ears. She paced back and forth in the room with restless, uneven steps. The last chance for escape was gone—she felt trapped with her shame.
Suddenly her wild pacing brought her before the clock on the chimney-piece. Its hands stood at half-past three, and she remembered that Selden was to come to her at four. She had meant to put him off with a word—but now her heart leaped at the thought of seeing him. Was there not a promise of rescue in his love? As she had lain at Gerty’s side the night before, she had thought of his coming, and of the sweetness of weeping out her pain upon his breast. Of course she had meant to clear herself of its consequences before she met him—she had never really doubted that Mrs. Peniston would come to her aid. And she had felt, even in the full storm of her misery, that Selden’s love could not be her ultimate refuge; only it would be so sweet to take a moment’s shelter there, while she gathered fresh strength to go on.
Suddenly, her frantic pacing brought her in front of the clock on the mantel. Its hands showed half-past three, and she remembered that Selden was supposed to come by at four. She had planned to brush him off with a quick excuse—but now her heart raced at the thought of seeing him. Wasn’t there a promise of salvation in his love? As she lay beside Gerty the night before, she had thought about his arrival and the comfort of crying out her pain on his shoulder. Of course, she had intended to sort out the aftermath before seeing him—she had never really doubted that Mrs. Peniston would come to her rescue. And even in the midst of her deep misery, she had felt that Selden’s love couldn’t be her final refuge; still, it would be so nice to find a moment of comfort there while she regained her strength to keep going.
But now his love was her only hope, and as she sat alone with her wretchedness the thought of confiding in him became as seductive as the river’s flow to the suicide. The first plunge would be terrible—but afterward, what blessedness might come! She remembered Gerty’s words: “I know him—he will help you”; and her mind clung to them as a sick person might cling to a healing relic. Oh, if he really understood—if he would help her to gather up her broken life, and put it together in some new semblance in which no trace of the past should remain! He had always made her feel that she was worthy of better things, and she had never been in greater need of such solace. Once and again she shrank at the thought of imperilling his love by her confession: for love was what she needed—it would take the glow of passion to weld together the shattered fragments of her self-esteem. But she recurred to Gerty’s words and held fast to them. She was sure that Gerty knew Selden’s feeling for her, and it had never dawned upon her blindness that Gerty’s own judgment of him was coloured by emotions far more ardent than her own.
But now his love was her only hope, and as she sat alone with her misery, the idea of opening up to him became as tempting as the river’s pull to someone wanting to end their life. The first step would be terrifying—but afterward, what happiness could come! She remembered Gerty’s words: “I know him—he will help you”; and she held on to them like a sick person might hold on to a healing relic. Oh, if he really understood—if he would help her piece together her broken life and create something new where no trace of the past remained! He had always made her feel that she deserved better, and she had never needed that comfort more. Time and again, she flinched at the thought of risking his love with her confession: because love was what she needed—it would take the warmth of passion to mend her shattered self-esteem. But she kept returning to Gerty’s words and clung to them. She was sure Gerty knew how Selden felt about her, and it had never occurred to her, in her blindness, that Gerty’s own opinion of him was shaped by feelings much stronger than her own.
Four o’clock found her in the drawing-room: she was sure that Selden would be punctual. But the hour came and passed—it moved on feverishly, measured by her impatient heart-beats. She had time to take a fresh survey of her wretchedness, and to fluctuate anew between the impulse to confide in Selden and the dread of destroying his illusions. But as the minutes passed the need of throwing herself on his comprehension became more urgent: she could not bear the weight of her misery alone. There would be a perilous moment, perhaps: but could she not trust to her beauty to bridge it over, to land her safe in the shelter of his devotion?
Four o’clock found her in the living room: she was sure Selden would be on time. But the hour came and went—it dragged on anxiously, marked by her impatient heartbeat. She had time to take another look at her misery and to waver again between the urge to confide in Selden and the fear of shattering his illusions. But as the minutes ticked by, the need to lean on his understanding became more pressing: she couldn’t bear the burden of her sadness alone. There might be a risky moment, perhaps; but couldn’t she rely on her beauty to help her get through it, to land her safely in the comfort of his affection?
But the hour sped on and Selden did not come. Doubtless he had been detained, or had misread her hurriedly scrawled note, taking the four for a five. The ringing of the door-bell a few minutes after five confirmed this supposition, and made Lily hastily resolve to write more legibly in future. The sound of steps in the hall, and of the butler’s voice preceding them, poured fresh energy into her veins. She felt herself once more the alert and competent moulder of emergencies, and the remembrance of her power over Selden flushed her with sudden confidence. But when the drawing-room door opened it was Rosedale who came in.
But the hour flew by and Selden still hadn't shown up. He must have been held up or misread her hurriedly written note, thinking the four was a five. The sound of the doorbell a few minutes after five confirmed this assumption and made Lily quickly decide to write more clearly in the future. The noise of footsteps in the hall, along with the butler’s voice preceding them, filled her with fresh energy. She felt like the quick and capable person who could handle emergencies, and remembering her influence over Selden filled her with a sudden sense of confidence. But when the drawing-room door opened, it was Rosedale who walked in.
The reaction caused her a sharp pang, but after a passing movement of irritation at the clumsiness of fate, and at her own carelessness in not denying the door to all but Selden, she controlled herself and greeted Rosedale amicably. It was annoying that Selden, when he came, should find that particular visitor in possession, but Lily was mistress of the art of ridding herself of superfluous company, and to her present mood Rosedale seemed distinctly negligible.
The reaction hit her like a sharp pain, but after a brief moment of irritation at the awkwardness of fate and her own carelessness in not keeping the door closed to everyone but Selden, she pulled herself together and greeted Rosedale nicely. It was frustrating that Selden would find that particular visitor there when he arrived, but Lily was skilled at getting rid of unwanted company, and right now, Rosedale felt quite unimportant to her.
His own view of the situation forced itself upon her after a few moments’ conversation. She had caught at the Brys’ entertainment as an easy impersonal subject, likely to tide them over the interval till Selden appeared, but Mr. Rosedale, tenaciously planted beside the tea-table, his hands in his pockets, his legs a little too freely extended, at once gave the topic a personal turn.
His perspective on the situation became clear to her after a few moments of conversation. She had seized on the Brys’ party as a simple, impersonal topic to bridge the gap until Selden showed up, but Mr. Rosedale, stubbornly positioned by the tea table, his hands in his pockets and his legs stretched out a bit too much, immediately made the topic personal.
“Pretty well done—well, yes, I suppose it was: Welly Bry’s got his back up and don’t mean to let go till he’s got the hang of the thing. Of course, there were things here and there—things Mrs. Fisher couldn’t be expected to see to—the champagne wasn’t cold, and the coats got mixed in the coat-room. I would have spent more money on the music. But that’s my character: if I want a thing I’m willing to pay: I don’t go up to the counter, and then wonder if the article’s worth the price. I wouldn’t be satisfied to entertain like the Welly Brys; I’d want something that would look more easy and natural, more as if I took it in my stride. And it takes just two things to do that, Miss Bart: money, and the right woman to spend it.”
“Pretty well done—well, yes, I guess it was: Welly Bry’s on edge and isn’t planning to back down until he figures this out. Of course, there were a few things here and there—things Mrs. Fisher couldn’t have been expected to handle—the champagne wasn’t cold, and the coats got mixed up in the coatroom. I would have spent more on the music. But that’s just me: if I want something, I’m willing to pay for it; I don’t go to the counter and then hesitate about whether it’s worth the price. I wouldn’t be happy entertaining like the Welly Brys; I’d want it to look more effortless and natural, more like I was just going with the flow. And it takes just two things to achieve that, Miss Bart: money, and the right woman to spend it on.”
He paused, and examined her attentively while she affected to rearrange the tea-cups.
He paused and looked at her closely while she pretended to rearrange the tea cups.
“I’ve got the money,” he continued, clearing his throat, “and what I want is the woman—and I mean to have her too.”
“I have the money,” he continued, clearing his throat, “and what I want is the woman—and I intend to have her too.”
He leaned forward a little, resting his hands on the head of his walking-stick. He had seen men of Ned Van Alstyne’s type bring their hats and sticks into a drawing-room, and he thought it added a touch of elegant familiarity to their appearance.
He leaned forward slightly, resting his hands on the top of his cane. He had seen guys like Ned Van Alstyne bring their hats and canes into a living room, and he thought it gave their presence a bit of stylish familiarity.
Lily was silent, smiling faintly, with her eyes absently resting on his face. She was in reality reflecting that a declaration would take some time to make, and that Selden must surely appear before the moment of refusal had been reached. Her brooding look, as of a mind withdrawn yet not averted, seemed to Mr. Rosedale full of a subtle encouragement. He would not have liked any evidence of eagerness.
Lily was quiet, smiling slightly, her eyes gazing blankly at his face. She was actually thinking that it would take some time to make a declaration and that Selden would surely show up before a refusal was given. Her thoughtful expression, as if she was lost in thought yet still present, seemed to Mr. Rosedale to be a quiet encouragement. He wouldn’t have wanted any sign of eagerness.
“I mean to have her too,” he repeated, with a laugh intended to strengthen his self-assurance. “I generally HAVE got what I wanted in life, Miss Bart. I wanted money, and I’ve got more than I know how to invest; and now the money doesn’t seem to be of any account unless I can spend it on the right woman. That’s what I want to do with it: I want my wife to make all the other women feel small. I’d never grudge a dollar that was spent on that. But it isn’t every woman can do it, no matter how much you spend on her. There was a girl in some history book who wanted gold shields, or something, and the fellows threw ’em at her, and she was crushed under ’em: they killed her. Well, that’s true enough: some women looked buried under their jewelry. What I want is a woman who’ll hold her head higher the more diamonds I put on it. And when I looked at you the other night at the Brys’, in that plain white dress, looking as if you had a crown on, I said to myself: ‘By gad, if she had one she’d wear it as if it grew on her.’”
"I’m determined to have her too," he said again, laughing to boost his confidence. "I usually get what I want in life, Miss Bart. I wanted money, and I’ve got more than I know how to invest. Now, the money doesn’t seem to matter unless I can spend it on the right woman. That’s what I want to do with it: I want my wife to make all the other women feel inferior. I'd never mind a dollar spent on that. But not every woman can pull it off, no matter how much you spend on her. There was a girl in a history book who wanted gold shields or something, and the guys threw them at her, and she got crushed under them: they killed her. Well, that’s pretty true: some women look buried under their jewels. What I want is a woman who’ll hold her head higher the more diamonds I put on her. And when I saw you the other night at the Brys’, in that simple white dress, looking like you had a crown on, I thought to myself: 'Wow, if she had one, she’d wear it like it belonged to her.'"
Still Lily did not speak, and he continued, warming with his theme: “Tell you what it is, though, that kind of woman costs more than all the rest of ’em put together. If a woman’s going to ignore her pearls, they want to be better than anybody else’s—and so it is with everything else. You know what I mean—you know it’s only the showy things that are cheap. Well, I should want my wife to be able to take the earth for granted if she wanted to. I know there’s one thing vulgar about money, and that’s the thinking about it; and my wife would never have to demean herself in that way.” He paused, and then added, with an unfortunate lapse to an earlier manner: “I guess you know the lady I’ve got in view, Miss Bart.”
Still, Lily didn’t say anything, and he went on, getting more into his topic: “I’ll tell you what, though, that kind of woman is worth more than all the others combined. If a woman is going to disregard her pearls, they need to be better than anyone else’s — and it’s the same with everything else. You know what I mean — it’s only the flashy things that are cheap. Well, I would want my wife to be able to take the world for granted if she wanted to. I know there’s something tacky about money, and that’s thinking about it; my wife would never have to lower herself in that way.” He paused, then added, with an unfortunate slip back to an earlier tone: “I guess you know the woman I have in mind, Miss Bart.”
Lily raised her head, brightening a little under the challenge. Even through the dark tumult of her thoughts, the clink of Mr. Rosedale’s millions had a faintly seductive note. Oh, for enough of them to cancel her one miserable debt! But the man behind them grew increasingly repugnant in the light of Selden’s expected coming. The contrast was too grotesque: she could scarcely suppress the smile it provoked. She decided that directness would be best.
Lily lifted her head, feeling a bit more hopeful at the challenge. Even amidst the chaotic swirl of her thoughts, the sound of Mr. Rosedale’s wealth had a slightly tempting quality. If only she had enough to wipe out her one awful debt! But the man who represented that wealth became more and more unappealing as she thought about Selden’s anticipated arrival. The contrast was too absurd; she could barely hold back the smile it brought. She concluded that being straightforward was the best approach.
“If you mean me, Mr. Rosedale, I am very grateful—very much flattered; but I don’t know what I have ever done to make you think—”
“If you’re talking about me, Mr. Rosedale, I really appreciate it—I'm very flattered; but I don’t know what I’ve ever done to make you think—”
“Oh, if you mean you’re not dead in love with me, I’ve got sense enough left to see that. And I ain’t talking to you as if you were—I presume I know the kind of talk that’s expected under those circumstances. I’m confoundedly gone on you—that’s about the size of it—and I’m just giving you a plain business statement of the consequences. You’re not very fond of me—YET—but you’re fond of luxury, and style, and amusement, and of not having to worry about cash. You like to have a good time, and not have to settle for it; and what I propose to do is to provide for the good time and do the settling.”
“Oh, if you mean you’re not madly in love with me, I can definitely see that. And I’m not speaking to you like I think you are—I know what kind of talk is expected in those situations. I’m completely taken with you—that’s the truth—and I’m just giving you a straightforward assessment of the situation. You don’t really care for me—YET—but you do enjoy luxury, style, fun, and not having to stress about money. You like to have a good time without having to compromise; and what I plan to do is to take care of the good time and handle the settling.”
He paused, and she returned with a chilling smile: “You are mistaken in one point, Mr. Rosedale: whatever I enjoy I am prepared to settle for.”
He paused, and she came back with a chilling smile: “You’re wrong about one thing, Mr. Rosedale: whatever I enjoy, I’m ready to settle for.”
She spoke with the intention of making him see that, if his words implied a tentative allusion to her private affairs, she was prepared to meet and repudiate it. But if he recognized her meaning it failed to abash him, and he went on in the same tone: “I didn’t mean to give offence; excuse me if I’ve spoken too plainly. But why ain’t you straight with me—why do you put up that kind of bluff? You know there’ve been times when you were bothered—damned bothered—and as a girl gets older, and things keep moving along, why, before she knows it, the things she wants are liable to move past her and not come back. I don’t say it’s anywhere near that with you yet; but you’ve had a taste of bothers that a girl like yourself ought never to have known about, and what I’m offering you is the chance to turn your back on them once for all.”
She spoke to make him understand that if his words hinted at her private matters, she was ready to confront and deny it. But if he understood her point, it didn’t seem to faze him, and he continued in the same tone: “I didn’t mean to offend; sorry if I’ve been too blunt. But why aren’t you honest with me—why do you pretend like this? You know there have been times when you’ve been troubled—really troubled—and as a girl gets older, and life keeps moving forward, she might find that the things she wants slip past her and don’t come back. I’m not saying it’s anywhere near that for you yet; but you’ve experienced issues that a girl like you shouldn’t have to deal with, and what I’m offering is a chance to leave them behind for good.”
The colour burned in Lily’s face as he ended; there was no mistaking the point he meant to make, and to permit it to pass unheeded was a fatal confession of weakness, while to resent it too openly was to risk offending him at a perilous moment. Indignation quivered on her lip; but it was quelled by the secret voice which warned her that she must not quarrel with him. He knew too much about her, and even at the moment when it was essential that he should show himself at his best, he did not scruple to let her see how much he knew. How then would he use his power when her expression of contempt had dispelled his one motive for restraint? Her whole future might hinge on her way of answering him: she had to stop and consider that, in the stress of her other anxieties, as a breathless fugitive may have to pause at the cross-roads and try to decide coolly which turn to take.
The color flushed in Lily's face as he finished; there was no mistaking the point he was trying to make, and ignoring it would be a serious admission of weakness, while reacting too strongly could risk offending him at a critical moment. Anger trembled on her lips; but it was silenced by the inner voice that warned her not to confront him. He knew too much about her, and even when it was crucial for him to present himself in the best light, he didn’t hesitate to let her see how much he understood. How would he use that power once her contempt had eliminated his reason for holding back? Her entire future could depend on how she responded to him: she had to pause and think about that, just as a breathless fugitive might stop at a crossroads and try to figure out which way to go.
“You are quite right, Mr. Rosedale. I HAVE had bothers; and I am grateful to you for wanting to relieve me of them. It is not always easy to be quite independent and self-respecting when one is poor and lives among rich people; I have been careless about money, and have worried about my bills. But I should be selfish and ungrateful if I made that a reason for accepting all you offer, with no better return to make than the desire to be free from my anxieties. You must give me time—time to think of your kindness—and of what I could give you in return for it——”
“You're absolutely right, Mr. Rosedale. I HAVE had my troubles, and I appreciate your willingness to help me with them. It's not always easy to stay truly independent and have self-respect when you're struggling financially and surrounded by wealthy people; I’ve been careless with money and concerned about my bills. But it would be selfish and ungrateful of me to use that as an excuse to accept everything you’re offering, with no better response than a wish to escape my worries. You need to give me time—time to reflect on your kindness—and on what I could offer you in return for it——”
She held out her hand with a charming gesture in which dismissal was shorn of its rigour. Its hint of future leniency made Rosedale rise in obedience to it, a little flushed with his unhoped-for success, and disciplined by the tradition of his blood to accept what was conceded, without undue haste to press for more. Something in his prompt acquiescence frightened her; she felt behind it the stored force of a patience that might subdue the strongest will. But at least they had parted amicably, and he was out of the house without meeting Selden—Selden, whose continued absence now smote her with a new alarm. Rosedale had remained over an hour, and she understood that it was now too late to hope for Selden. He would write explaining his absence, of course; there would be a note from him by the late post. But her confession would have to be postponed; and the chill of the delay settled heavily on her fagged spirit.
She extended her hand with a charming gesture that softened the dismissal. Its suggestion of future leniency made Rosedale stand up in compliance, slightly flushed with his unexpected success, and trained by his background to accept what was offered without rushing to ask for more. Something about his quick agreement unsettled her; she sensed behind it the deep-rooted strength of a patience that could overcome the strongest will. But at least they had parted on good terms, and he was out of the house without running into Selden—Selden, whose ongoing absence now caused her a fresh wave of worry. Rosedale had stayed for over an hour, and she realized it was now too late to expect Selden. He would, of course, write to explain his absence; a note from him would arrive with the late post. But her confession would have to wait, and the weight of that delay pressed heavily on her weary spirit.
It lay heavier when the postman’s last ring brought no note for her, and she had to go upstairs to a lonely night—a night as grim and sleepless as her tortured fancy had pictured it to Gerty. She had never learned to live with her own thoughts, and to be confronted with them through such hours of lucid misery made the confused wretchedness of her previous vigil seem easily bearable.
It felt even heavier when the postman's last ring brought no message for her, and she had to go upstairs to a lonely night—a night as dark and sleepless as her troubled imagination had painted it to Gerty. She had never learned to cope with her own thoughts, and facing them during such hours of clear misery made the confused sadness of her earlier vigil seem much more manageable.
Daylight disbanded the phantom crew, and made it clear to her that she would hear from Selden before noon; but the day passed without his writing or coming. Lily remained at home, lunching and dining alone with her aunt, who complained of flutterings of the heart, and talked icily on general topics. Mrs. Peniston went to bed early, and when she had gone Lily sat down and wrote a note to Selden. She was about to ring for a messenger to despatch it when her eye fell on a paragraph in the evening paper which lay at her elbow: “Mr. Lawrence Selden was among the passengers sailing this afternoon for Havana and the West Indies on the Windward Liner Antilles.”
Daylight broke up the ghostly group, making it clear to her that she would hear from Selden before noon; but the day went by with no message or visit from him. Lily stayed home, having lunch and dinner alone with her aunt, who complained about heart palpitations and spoke coldly about general topics. Mrs. Peniston went to bed early, and once she was gone, Lily sat down and wrote a note to Selden. She was about to call for a messenger to send it when her eye caught a paragraph in the evening paper next to her: “Mr. Lawrence Selden was among the passengers sailing this afternoon for Havana and the West Indies on the Windward Liner Antilles.”
She laid down the paper and sat motionless, staring at her note. She understood now that he was never coming—that he had gone away because he was afraid that he might come. She rose, and walking across the floor stood gazing at herself for a long time in the brightly lit mirror above the mantelpiece. The lines in her face came out terribly—she looked old; and when a girl looks old to herself, how does she look to other people? She moved away, and began to wander aimlessly about the room, fitting her steps with mechanical precision between the monstrous roses of Mrs. Peniston’s Axminster. Suddenly she noticed that the pen with which she had written to Selden still rested against the uncovered inkstand. She seated herself again, and taking out an envelope, addressed it rapidly to Rosedale. Then she laid out a sheet of paper, and sat over it with suspended pen. It had been easy enough to write the date, and “Dear Mr. Rosedale”—but after that her inspiration flagged. She meant to tell him to come to her, but the words refused to shape themselves. At length she began: “I have been thinking——” then she laid the pen down, and sat with her elbows on the table and her face hidden in her hands.
She put down the paper and sat still, staring at her note. She realized now that he was never coming back—that he left because he was scared that he might. She stood up, walked across the floor, and stared at herself for a long time in the brightly lit mirror above the mantelpiece. The lines on her face showed up painfully—she looked old; and when a girl thinks she looks old, how must she look to others? She stepped away and started wandering aimlessly around the room, matching her steps with robotic precision between the huge roses of Mrs. Peniston’s Axminster. Suddenly, she noticed the pen she had used to write to Selden still leaned against the open inkstand. She sat down again, pulled out an envelope, and quickly addressed it to Rosedale. Then she laid out a sheet of paper and sat over it with her pen poised. Writing the date and “Dear Mr. Rosedale” was easy enough, but after that, she lost her inspiration. She intended to ask him to come to her, but the words wouldn’t come. Finally, she began: “I have been thinking——” then she laid the pen down and rested her elbows on the table, hiding her face in her hands.
Suddenly she started up at the sound of the door-bell. It was not late—barely ten o’clock—and there might still be a note from Selden, or a message—or he might be there himself, on the other side of the door! The announcement of his sailing might have been a mistake—it might be another Lawrence Selden who had gone to Havana—all these possibilities had time to flash through her mind, and build up the conviction that she was after all to see or hear from him, before the drawing-room door opened to admit a servant carrying a telegram.
Suddenly, she jumped at the sound of the doorbell. It wasn't late—barely ten o'clock—and there could still be a note from Selden, or a message—or he might be there himself, just on the other side of the door! The news of his sailing might have been a mistake—it could be another Lawrence Selden who had gone to Havana—all these possibilities raced through her mind, convincing her that she would see or hear from him after all, before the drawing-room door opened to let in a servant carrying a telegram.
Lily tore it open with shaking hands, and read Bertha Dorset’s name below the message: “Sailing unexpectedly tomorrow. Will you join us on a cruise in Mediterranean?”
Lily ripped it open with trembling hands and saw Bertha Dorset’s name below the message: “Sailing unexpectedly tomorrow. Will you join us on a cruise in the Mediterranean?”
BOOK TWO
BOOK TWO
Chapter 1
It came vividly to Selden on the Casino steps that Monte Carlo had, more than any other place he knew, the gift of accommodating itself to each man’s humour. His own, at the moment, lent it a festive readiness of welcome that might well, in a disenchanted eye, have turned to paint and facility. So frank an appeal for participation—so outspoken a recognition of the holiday vein in human nature—struck refreshingly on a mind jaded by prolonged hard work in surroundings made for the discipline of the senses. As he surveyed the white square set in an exotic coquetry of architecture, the studied tropicality of the gardens, the groups loitering in the foreground against mauve mountains which suggested a sublime stage-setting forgotten in a hurried shifting of scenes—as he took in the whole outspread effect of light and leisure, he felt a movement of revulsion from the last few months of his life.
It hit Selden on the Casino steps that Monte Carlo had, more than any other place he knew, the ability to adapt to each person’s mood. His own, at that moment, gave it a festive vibe that might have seemed superficial to someone disillusioned. Such a straightforward call for participation—such an open acknowledgment of the joyful side of human nature—was refreshing to a mind worn out by long hours of serious work in a place designed to sharpen the senses. As he looked over the white square framed by exotic architecture, the carefully cultivated gardens, and the groups hanging out in the foreground against the purple mountains that suggested a magnificent stage backdrop hastily abandoned—while taking in the overall feeling of light and relaxation, he felt a strong aversion to the last few months of his life.
The New York winter had presented an interminable perspective of snow-burdened days, reaching toward a spring of raw sunshine and furious air, when the ugliness of things rasped the eye as the gritty wind ground into the skin. Selden, immersed in his work, had told himself that external conditions did not matter to a man in his state, and that cold and ugliness were a good tonic for relaxed sensibilities. When an urgent case summoned him abroad to confer with a client in Paris, he broke reluctantly with the routine of the office; and it was only now that, having despatched his business, and slipped away for a week in the south, he began to feel the renewed zest of spectatorship that is the solace of those who take an objective interest in life.
The New York winter had stretched on with endless snow-covered days, heading toward a spring filled with bright sunshine and strong winds, when the harshness of the surroundings hurt the eyes as the biting wind stung the skin. Selden, focused on his work, had convinced himself that outside conditions didn’t matter to someone in his position, and that the cold and ugliness were good for numbing his sensitivities. When an urgent case called him to Paris to meet with a client, he reluctantly broke his office routine; and only now, after finishing his work and taking a week off in the south, did he start to feel the renewed excitement of being a spectator, which is the comfort for those who have an objective interest in life.
The multiplicity of its appeals—the perpetual surprise of its contrasts and resemblances! All these tricks and turns of the show were upon him with a spring as he descended the Casino steps and paused on the pavement at its doors. He had not been abroad for seven years—and what changes the renewed contact produced! If the central depths were untouched, hardly a pin-point of surface remained the same. And this was the very place to bring out the completeness of the renewal. The sublimities, the perpetuities, might have left him as he was: but this tent pitched for a day’s revelry spread a roof of oblivion between himself and his fixed sky.
The many different ways it appealed to him—the constant surprises in its contrasts and similarities! All these tricks and twists of the scene were felt as he stepped down from the Casino and paused on the pavement at its entrance. He hadn’t been away for seven years—and what changes this fresh experience brought! If the core remained unchanged, hardly a spot on the surface was the same. And this was exactly the place to highlight the completeness of that change. The profound moments and eternal aspects might have left him unchanged: but this temporary setup for a day of fun created a barrier of forgetfulness between him and his unchanging reality.
It was mid-April, and one felt that the revelry had reached its climax and that the desultory groups in the square and gardens would soon dissolve and reform in other scenes. Meanwhile the last moments of the performance seemed to gain an added brightness from the hovering threat of the curtain. The quality of the air, the exuberance of the flowers, the blue intensity of sea and sky, produced the effect of a closing TABLEAU, when all the lights are turned on at once. This impression was presently heightened by the way in which a consciously conspicuous group of people advanced to the middle front, and stood before Selden with the air of the chief performers gathered together by the exigencies of the final effect. Their appearance confirmed the impression that the show had been staged regardless of expense, and emphasized its resemblance to one of those “costume-plays” in which the protagonists walk through the passions without displacing a drapery. The ladies stood in unrelated attitudes calculated to isolate their effects, and the men hung about them as irrelevantly as stage heroes whose tailors are named in the programme. It was Selden himself who unwittingly fused the group by arresting the attention of one of its members.
It was mid-April, and it felt like the festivities had reached their peak, with the scattered groups in the square and gardens about to break apart and move on to different scenes. Meanwhile, the final moments of the performance seemed to shine even brighter due to the looming threat of the curtain. The quality of the air, the vibrancy of the flowers, and the deep blue of the sea and sky created the effect of a closing TABLEAU, when all the lights come on at once. This feeling was further enhanced by a deliberately eye-catching group of people stepping to the front, standing before Selden like the lead performers gathered for the grand finale. Their presence reinforced the idea that the show had been lavishly produced and highlighted its similarity to one of those “costume-plays” where the leads express their emotions without changing a single piece of fabric. The ladies posed in unrelated stances designed to emphasize their individual looks, while the men lingered around them as randomly as stage heroes whose tailors are noted in the program. It was Selden himself who unintentionally united the group by catching the attention of one of its members.
“Why, Mr. Selden!” Mrs. Fisher exclaimed in surprise; and with a gesture toward Mrs. Jack Stepney and Mrs. Wellington Bry, she added plaintively: “We’re starving to death because we can’t decide where to lunch.”
“Why, Mr. Selden!” Mrs. Fisher exclaimed in surprise; and with a gesture toward Mrs. Jack Stepney and Mrs. Wellington Bry, she added plaintively: “We’re starving to death because we can’t decide where to have lunch.”
Welcomed into their group, and made the confidant of their difficulty, Selden learned with amusement that there were several places where one might miss something by not lunching, or forfeit something by lunching; so that eating actually became a minor consideration on the very spot consecrated to its rites.
Welcomed into their group and trusted with their challenges, Selden found it amusing that there were several situations where you could miss out on something by not having lunch, or lose something by choosing to have lunch; so eating actually became a minor concern in the very place dedicated to it.
“Of course one gets the best things at the TERRASSE—but that looks as if one hadn’t any other reason for being there: the Americans who don’t know any one always rush for the best food. And the Duchess of Beltshire has taken up Becassin’s lately,” Mrs. Bry earnestly summed up.
“Of course, you get the best things at the TERRASSE—but that makes it seem like you have no other reason to be there: Americans who don’t know anyone always go for the best food. And the Duchess of Beltshire has recently started going to Becassin’s,” Mrs. Bry earnestly summed up.
Mrs. Bry, to Mrs. Fisher’s despair, had not progressed beyond the point of weighing her social alternatives in public. She could not acquire the air of doing things because she wanted to, and making her choice the final seal of their fitness.
Mrs. Bry, much to Mrs. Fisher’s dismay, hadn't moved past the stage of weighing her social options in public. She couldn't adopt the attitude of doing things simply because she wanted to, and making her choice the ultimate proof of their suitability.
Mr. Bry, a short pale man, with a business face and leisure clothes, met the dilemma hilariously.
Mr. Bry, a short, pale man with a businesslike appearance and casual clothing, met the challenge with humor.
“I guess the Duchess goes where it’s cheapest, unless she can get her meal paid for. If you offered to blow her off at the TERRASSE she’d turn up fast enough.”
“I guess the Duchess goes where it’s cheapest, unless she can get her meal paid for. If you offered to hook up with her at the TERRASSE, she’d show up pretty quickly.”
But Mrs. Jack Stepney interposed. “The Grand Dukes go to that little place at the Condamine. Lord Hubert says it’s the only restaurant in Europe where they can cook peas.”
But Mrs. Jack Stepney interrupted. “The Grand Dukes go to that little spot at the Condamine. Lord Hubert says it’s the only restaurant in Europe where they can cook peas.”
Lord Hubert Dacey, a slender shabby-looking man, with a charming worn smile, and the air of having spent his best years in piloting the wealthy to the right restaurant, assented with gentle emphasis: “It’s quite that.”
Lord Hubert Dacey, a thin and scruffy-looking man with a charming, faded smile and the vibe of someone who has spent his best years guiding the wealthy to the best restaurants, agreed with a gentle emphasis: “That’s right.”
“PEAS?” said Mr. Bry contemptuously. “Can they cook terrapin? It just shows,” he continued, “what these European markets are, when a fellow can make a reputation cooking peas!”
“PEAS?” Mr. Bry scoffed. “Can they cook terrapin? This just shows,” he went on, “what these European markets are like when someone can build a reputation off cooking peas!”
Jack Stepney intervened with authority. “I don’t know that I quite agree with Dacey: there’s a little hole in Paris, off the Quai Voltaire—but in any case, I can’t advise the Condamine GARGOTE; at least not with ladies.”
Jack Stepney spoke up decisively. “I can’t say I fully agree with Dacey: there’s a little spot in Paris, near the Quai Voltaire—but anyway, I wouldn’t recommend the Condamine GARGOTE; at least not when ladies are involved.”
Stepney, since his marriage, had thickened and grown prudish, as the Van Osburgh husbands were apt to do; but his wife, to his surprise and discomfiture, had developed an earth-shaking fastness of gait which left him trailing breathlessly in her wake.
Stepney, since getting married, had become heavier and more uptight, like the Van Osburgh husbands often do; but his wife, to his surprise and discomfort, had developed a fast and impressive way of walking that left him struggling to keep up.
“That’s where we’ll go then!” she declared, with a heavy toss of her plumage. “I’m so tired of the TERRASSE: it’s as dull as one of mother’s dinners. And Lord Hubert has promised to tell us who all the awful people are at the other place—hasn’t he, Carry? Now, Jack, don’t look so solemn!”
"That’s where we’ll go then!” she announced, flipping her hair dramatically. “I’m so tired of the terrace: it’s as boring as one of my mom’s dinners. And Lord Hubert promised to spill the tea on all the terrible people at the other place—didn’t he, Carry? Now, Jack, don’t look so serious!”
“Well,” said Mrs. Bry, “all I want to know is who their dress-makers are.”
"Well," said Mrs. Bry, "all I want to know is who their dressmakers are."
“No doubt Dacey can tell you that too,” remarked Stepney, with an ironic intention which the other received with the light murmur, “I can at least FIND OUT, my dear fellow”; and Mrs. Bry having declared that she couldn’t walk another step, the party hailed two or three of the light phaetons which hover attentively on the confines of the gardens, and rattled off in procession toward the Condamine.
“No doubt Dacey can tell you that too,” Stepney said, with a hint of irony, to which the other replied with a light murmur, “I can at least FIND OUT, my dear fellow.” Since Mrs. Bry declared that she couldn’t walk another step, the group called over two or three of the light carriages that were waiting near the gardens and set off in a procession toward the Condamine.
Their destination was one of the little restaurants overhanging the boulevard which dips steeply down from Monte Carlo to the low intermediate quarter along the quay. From the window in which they presently found themselves installed, they overlooked the intense blue curve of the harbour, set between the verdure of twin promontories: to the right, the cliff of Monaco, topped by the mediaeval silhouette of its church and castle, to the left the terraces and pinnacles of the gambling-house. Between the two, the waters of the bay were furrowed by a light coming and going of pleasure-craft, through which, just at the culminating moment of luncheon, the majestic advance of a great steam-yacht drew the company’s attention from the peas.
Their destination was one of the small restaurants overlooking the boulevard that drops steeply from Monte Carlo to the lower area along the quay. From the window where they had settled in, they had a view of the deep blue curve of the harbor, nestled between the greenery of two cliffs: on the right, the cliff of Monaco, crowned by the medieval outline of its church and castle, and on the left, the terraces and spires of the casino. Between the two, the bay's waters were disturbed by the coming and going of pleasure boats, and at the peak of lunch, the grand approach of a large steam yacht caught the group's attention away from their peas.
“By Jove, I believe that’s the Dorsets back!” Stepney exclaimed; and Lord Hubert, dropping his single eye-glass, corroborated: “It’s the Sabrina—yes.”
“By gosh, I think that’s the Dorsets returning!” Stepney exclaimed; and Lord Hubert, dropping his monocle, confirmed: “It’s the Sabrina—yes.”
“So soon? They were to spend a month in Sicily,” Mrs. Fisher observed.
“So soon? They were supposed to spend a month in Sicily,” Mrs. Fisher remarked.
“I guess they feel as if they had: there’s only one up-to-date hotel in the whole place,” said Mr. Bry disparagingly.
“I guess they think they have: there’s only one modern hotel in the whole area,” said Mr. Bry dismissively.
“It was Ned Silverton’s idea—but poor Dorset and Lily Bart must have been horribly bored.” Mrs. Fisher added in an undertone to Selden: “I do hope there hasn’t been a row.”
“It was Ned Silverton’s idea—but poor Dorset and Lily Bart must have been really bored.” Mrs. Fisher added quietly to Selden: “I hope there hasn’t been a fight.”
“It’s most awfully jolly having Miss Bart back,” said Lord Hubert, in his mild deliberate voice; and Mrs. Bry added ingenuously: “I daresay the Duchess will dine with us, now that Lily’s here.”
“It’s really great having Miss Bart back,” said Lord Hubert, in his calm, thoughtful voice; and Mrs. Bry added honestly: “I bet the Duchess will join us for dinner now that Lily’s here.”
“The Duchess admires her immensely: I’m sure she’d be charmed to have it arranged,” Lord Hubert agreed, with the professional promptness of the man accustomed to draw his profit from facilitating social contacts: Selden was struck by the businesslike change in his manner.
“The Duchess thinks highly of her: I’m sure she’d be delighted to have it organized,” Lord Hubert agreed, with the professional efficiency of someone used to benefiting from making social connections: Selden was taken aback by the pragmatic shift in his demeanor.
“Lily has been a tremendous success here,” Mrs. Fisher continued, still addressing herself confidentially to Selden. “She looks ten years younger—I never saw her so handsome. Lady Skiddaw took her everywhere in Cannes, and the Crown Princess of Macedonia had her to stop for a week at Cimiez. People say that was one reason why Bertha whisked the yacht off to Sicily: the Crown Princess didn’t take much notice of her, and she couldn’t bear to look on at Lily’s triumph.”
“Lily has done incredibly well here,” Mrs. Fisher continued, still speaking privately to Selden. “She looks ten years younger—I’ve never seen her looking so attractive. Lady Skiddaw took her everywhere in Cannes, and the Crown Princess of Macedonia invited her to stay for a week at Cimiez. People say that was part of why Bertha quickly took the yacht off to Sicily: the Crown Princess didn’t pay much attention to her, and she couldn’t stand to watch Lily’s success.”
Selden made no reply. He was vaguely aware that Miss Bart was cruising in the Mediterranean with the Dorsets, but it had not occurred to him that there was any chance of running across her on the Riviera, where the season was virtually at an end. As he leaned back, silently contemplating his filigree cup of Turkish coffee, he was trying to put some order in his thoughts, to tell himself how the news of her nearness was really affecting him. He had a personal detachment enabling him, even in moments of emotional high-pressure, to get a fairly clear view of his feelings, and he was sincerely surprised by the disturbance which the sight of the Sabrina had produced in him. He had reason to think that his three months of engrossing professional work, following on the sharp shock of his disillusionment, had cleared his mind of its sentimental vapours. The feeling he had nourished and given prominence to was one of thankfulness for his escape: he was like a traveller so grateful for rescue from a dangerous accident that at first he is hardly conscious of his bruises. Now he suddenly felt the latent ache, and realized that after all he had not come off unhurt.
Selden didn’t respond. He was vaguely aware that Miss Bart was sailing in the Mediterranean with the Dorsets, but he hadn’t thought there was any chance of running into her on the Riviera, where the season was almost over. As he leaned back, silently contemplating his delicate cup of Turkish coffee, he was trying to organize his thoughts, to understand how the news of her proximity was really affecting him. He had a personal detachment that allowed him, even in emotionally intense moments, to get a fairly clear view of his feelings, and he was genuinely surprised by the disturbance that the sight of the Sabrina had caused him. He believed that his three months of intense work, following the sharp shock of his disillusionment, had cleared his mind of sentimental clutter. The feeling he had focused on was one of gratitude for his escape: he was like a traveler so thankful for being rescued from a dangerous accident that at first he hardly registers his injuries. Now, he suddenly felt the lingering pain and realized that he hadn’t come away unscathed after all.
An hour later, at Mrs. Fisher’s side in the Casino gardens, he was trying to find fresh reasons for forgetting the injury received in the contemplation of the peril avoided. The party had dispersed with the loitering indecision characteristic of social movements at Monte Carlo, where the whole place, and the long gilded hours of the day, seem to offer an infinity of ways of being idle. Lord Hubert Dacey had finally gone off in quest of the Duchess of Beltshire, charged by Mrs. Bry with the delicate negotiation of securing that lady’s presence at dinner, the Stepneys had left for Nice in their motor-car, and Mr. Bry had departed to take his place in the pigeon shooting match which was at the moment engaging his highest faculties.
An hour later, next to Mrs. Fisher in the Casino gardens, he was trying to come up with new reasons to forget the hurt he felt by focusing on the danger he had avoided. The group had broken up with the typical lingering uncertainty that comes with social gatherings at Monte Carlo, where everywhere you look, and the long golden hours of the day, seem to offer endless ways to do nothing. Lord Hubert Dacey had finally left in search of the Duchess of Beltshire, tasked by Mrs. Bry with the sensitive job of getting her to join them for dinner, the Stepneys had headed off to Nice in their car, and Mr. Bry had gone to participate in the pigeon shooting match that was currently demanding his full attention.
Mrs. Bry, who had a tendency to grow red and stertorous after luncheon, had been judiciously prevailed upon by Carry Fisher to withdraw to her hotel for an hour’s repose; and Selden and his companion were thus left to a stroll propitious to confidences. The stroll soon resolved itself into a tranquil session on a bench overhung with laurel and Banksian roses, from which they caught a dazzle of blue sea between marble balusters, and the fiery shafts of cactus-blossoms shooting meteor-like from the rock. The soft shade of their niche, and the adjacent glitter of the air, were conducive to an easy lounging mood, and to the smoking of many cigarettes; and Selden, yielding to these influences, suffered Mrs. Fisher to unfold to him the history of her recent experiences. She had come abroad with the Welly Brys at the moment when fashion flees the inclemency of the New York spring. The Brys, intoxicated by their first success, already thirsted for new kingdoms, and Mrs. Fisher, viewing the Riviera as an easy introduction to London society, had guided their course thither. She had affiliations of her own in every capital, and a facility for picking them up again after long absences; and the carefully disseminated rumour of the Brys’ wealth had at once gathered about them a group of cosmopolitan pleasure-seekers.
Mrs. Bry, who tended to get red-faced and loud after lunch, had been wisely convinced by Carry Fisher to go back to her hotel for an hour of rest. This left Selden and his companion free to take a stroll that encouraged them to share secrets. The walk quickly turned into a relaxed sit on a bench shaded by laurel and Banksian roses, where they caught glimpses of the blue sea between marble balusters and the bright cactus blooms shooting up like meteors from the rocks. The soft shade of their spot, combined with the sparkling air, created a laid-back atmosphere perfect for lounging and smoking a lot of cigarettes. Selden, giving in to this ambiance, allowed Mrs. Fisher to share the story of her recent adventures. She had come abroad with the Welly Brys just as fashion was leaving the harsh New York spring behind. The Brys, thrilled by their initial success, were eager for new experiences, and Mrs. Fisher, seeing the Riviera as a quick way into London society, had steered them in that direction. She had connections in every major city and could easily reconnect with them after long absences, and the rumor of the Brys’ wealth quickly attracted a crowd of cosmopolitan party-goers around them.
“But things are not going as well as I expected,” Mrs. Fisher frankly admitted. “It’s all very well to say that every body with money can get into society; but it would be truer to say that NEARLY everybody can. And the London market is so glutted with new Americans that, to succeed there now, they must be either very clever or awfully queer. The Brys are neither. HE would get on well enough if she’d let him alone; they like his slang and his brag and his blunders. But Louisa spoils it all by trying to repress him and put herself forward. If she’d be natural herself—fat and vulgar and bouncing—it would be all right; but as soon as she meets anybody smart she tries to be slender and queenly. She tried it with the Duchess of Beltshire and Lady Skiddaw, and they fled. I’ve done my best to make her see her mistake—I’ve said to her again and again: ‘Just let yourself go, Louisa’; but she keeps up the humbug even with me—I believe she keeps on being queenly in her own room, with the door shut.
“But things aren’t going as well as I expected,” Mrs. Fisher honestly admitted. “It’s nice to say that anyone with money can get into society; but it would be more accurate to say that nearly everyone can. And the London scene is so overwhelmed with new Americans that, to succeed there now, they have to be either really smart or extremely eccentric. The Brys are neither. He’d manage just fine if she’d leave him alone; people like his slang, his arrogance, and his mistakes. But Louisa ruins it all by trying to control him and promote herself. If she’d just be herself—heavy and loud and boisterous—it would be fine; but as soon as she meets someone sophisticated, she tries to be elegant and refined. She tried this with the Duchess of Beltshire and Lady Skiddaw, and they ran away. I’ve done everything I can to help her see her mistake—I’ve told her time and again: ‘Just be yourself, Louisa’; but she keeps up the act even with me—I think she still pretends to be regal in her own room, with the door shut.
“The worst of it is,” Mrs. Fisher went on, “that she thinks it’s all MY fault. When the Dorsets turned up here six weeks ago, and everybody began to make a fuss about Lily Bart, I could see Louisa thought that if she’d had Lily in tow instead of me she would have been hob-nobbing with all the royalties by this time. She doesn’t realize that it’s Lily’s beauty that does it: Lord Hubert tells me Lily is thought even handsomer than when he knew her at Aix ten years ago. It seems she was tremendously admired there. An Italian Prince, rich and the real thing, wanted to marry her; but just at the critical moment a good-looking step-son turned up, and Lily was silly enough to flirt with him while her marriage-settlements with the step-father were being drawn up. Some people said the young man did it on purpose. You can fancy the scandal: there was an awful row between the men, and people began to look at Lily so queerly that Mrs. Peniston had to pack up and finish her cure elsewhere. Not that SHE ever understood: to this day she thinks that Aix didn’t suit her, and mentions her having been sent there as proof of the incompetence of French doctors. That’s Lily all over, you know: she works like a slave preparing the ground and sowing her seed; but the day she ought to be reaping the harvest she over-sleeps herself or goes off on a picnic.”
“The worst part is,” Mrs. Fisher continued, “that she thinks it’s all MY fault. When the Dorsets showed up here six weeks ago, and everyone started making a fuss about Lily Bart, I could see Louisa thought that if she had been with Lily instead of me, she would have been rubbing elbows with all the royals by now. She doesn’t get that it’s Lily’s beauty that makes the difference: Lord Hubert tells me Lily is considered even more attractive than when he knew her in Aix ten years ago. Apparently, she was really admired there. An Italian prince, who was wealthy and the real deal, wanted to marry her; but just at the crucial moment, a good-looking step-son showed up, and Lily was foolish enough to flirt with him while her marriage settlements with the step-father were being arranged. Some people said the young man did it on purpose. You can imagine the scandal: there was a huge fight between the men, and people started looking at Lily so strangely that Mrs. Peniston had to leave and finish her treatment somewhere else. Not that SHE ever understood: to this day she thinks Aix didn’t agree with her and brings it up as proof of the incompetence of French doctors. That’s just Lily: she works like crazy prepping everything and planting her seeds; but the day she should be reaping the rewards, she oversleeps or goes off on a picnic.”
Mrs. Fisher paused and looked reflectively at the deep shimmer of sea between the cactus-flowers. “Sometimes,” she added, “I think it’s just flightiness—and sometimes I think it’s because, at heart, she despises the things she’s trying for. And it’s the difficulty of deciding that makes her such an interesting study.” She glanced tentatively at Selden’s motionless profile, and resumed with a slight sigh: “Well, all I can say is, I wish she’d give ME some of her discarded opportunities. I wish we could change places now, for instance. She could make a very good thing out of the Brys if she managed them properly, and I should know just how to look after George Dorset while Bertha is reading Verlaine with Neddy Silverton.”
Mrs. Fisher paused and looked thoughtfully at the deep shimmer of the sea between the cactus flowers. “Sometimes,” she added, “I think it’s just being scatterbrained—and sometimes I think it’s because, deep down, she looks down on the things she’s going after. And it’s the struggle to figure that out that makes her such an interesting case.” She glanced carefully at Selden’s still profile and continued with a slight sigh: “Well, all I can say is, I wish she’d share some of her missed opportunities with me. I wish we could switch places right now, for example. She could really do something great with the Brys if she handled them the right way, and I’d know exactly how to take care of George Dorset while Bertha is reading Verlaine with Neddy Silverton.”
She met Selden’s sound of protest with a sharp derisive glance. “Well, what’s the use of mincing matters? We all know that’s what Bertha brought her abroad for. When Bertha wants to have a good time she has to provide occupation for George. At first I thought Lily was going to play her cards well THIS time, but there are rumours that Bertha is jealous of her success here and at Cannes, and I shouldn’t be surprised if there were a break any day. Lily’s only safeguard is that Bertha needs her badly—oh, very badly. The Silverton affair is in the acute stage: it’s necessary that George’s attention should be pretty continuously distracted. And I’m bound to say Lily DOES distract it: I believe he’d marry her tomorrow if he found out there was anything wrong with Bertha. But you know him—he’s as blind as he’s jealous; and of course Lily’s present business is to keep him blind. A clever woman might know just the right moment to tear off the bandage: but Lily isn’t clever in that way, and when George does open his eyes she’ll probably contrive not to be in his line of vision.”
She met Selden’s protest with a sharp, mocking look. “Well, what’s the point of sugarcoating things? We all know that’s why Bertha brought her over here. When Bertha wants to have fun, she has to keep George occupied. At first, I thought Lily was going to play her cards right THIS time, but there are rumors that Bertha is jealous of her success here and at Cannes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a fallout any day now. Lily’s only protection is that Bertha really needs her—oh, very badly. The Silverton situation is critical: it’s important that George’s attention is kept pretty consistently distracted. And I have to say, Lily DOES distract him: I believe he’d marry her tomorrow if he found out there was anything wrong with Bertha. But you know him—he’s as blind as he is jealous; and of course, Lily’s job right now is to keep him blind. A smart woman might know exactly when to take off the blindfold: but Lily isn’t clever like that, and when George finally does see the truth, she’ll probably manage to be out of his sight.”
Selden tossed away his cigarette. “By Jove—it’s time for my train,” he exclaimed, with a glance at his watch; adding, in reply to Mrs. Fisher’s surprised comment—“Why, I thought of course you were at Monte!”—a murmured word to the effect that he was making Nice his head-quarters.
Selden threw away his cigarette. “Wow—it’s time for my train,” he said, checking his watch; responding to Mrs. Fisher’s surprised remark—“I thought for sure you were in Monte!”—with a quiet mention that he was using Nice as his base.
“The worst of it is, she snubs the Brys now,” he heard irrelevantly flung after him.
“The worst part is, she ignores the Brys now,” he heard someone say dismissively as he walked away.
Ten minutes later, in the high-perched bedroom of an hotel overlooking the Casino, he was tossing his effects into a couple of gaping portmanteaux, while the porter waited outside to transport them to the cab at the door. It took but a brief plunge down the steep white road to the station to land him safely in the afternoon express for Nice; and not till he was installed in the corner of an empty carriage, did he exclaim to himself, with a reaction of self-contempt: “What the deuce am I running away from?”
Ten minutes later, in the elevated hotel room overlooking the Casino, he was throwing his belongings into a couple of open suitcases, while the porter waited outside to take them to the cab at the door. It was just a quick ride down the steep white road to the station that got him safely on the afternoon train to Nice; and it wasn't until he was settled in the corner of an empty carriage that he exclaimed to himself, feeling a wave of self-disgust: “What the hell am I running away from?”
The pertinence of the question checked Selden’s fugitive impulse before the train had started. It was ridiculous to be flying like an emotional coward from an infatuation his reason had conquered. He had instructed his bankers to forward some important business letters to Nice, and at Nice he would quietly await them. He was already annoyed with himself for having left Monte Carlo, where he had intended to pass the week which remained to him before sailing; but it would now be difficult to return on his steps without an appearance of inconsistency from which his pride recoiled. In his inmost heart he was not sorry to put himself beyond the probability of meeting Miss Bart. Completely as he had detached himself from her, he could not yet regard her merely as a social instance; and viewed in a more personal ways she was not likely to be a reassuring object of study. Chance encounters, or even the repeated mention of her name, would send his thoughts back into grooves from which he had resolutely detached them; whereas, if she could be entirely excluded from his life, the pressure of new and varied impressions, with which no thought of her was connected, would soon complete the work of separation. Mrs. Fisher’s conversation had, indeed, operated to that end; but the treatment was too painful to be voluntarily chosen while milder remedies were untried; and Selden thought he could trust himself to return gradually to a reasonable view of Miss Bart, if only he did not see her.
The relevance of the question stopped Selden's sudden urge to leave before the train had even started. It was silly to be running away like an emotional coward from an attraction his logic had already overcome. He had told his bankers to send some important business letters to Nice, where he would calmly await their arrival. He was already annoyed with himself for leaving Monte Carlo, where he had planned to spend the week before his departure; but now it would be hard to go back without seeming inconsistent, which his pride couldn’t handle. Deep down, he wasn’t unhappy to put himself out of reach of Miss Bart. Completely as he had distanced himself from her, he still couldn’t see her as just a social case; and in a more personal context, she wasn’t likely to be a comforting subject to think about. Random encounters, or even hearing her name, would pull his thoughts back into patterns he had worked hard to break free from; but if she could be fully excluded from his life, the flood of new and different experiences, with no connection to her, would quickly help him finish the process of moving on. Mrs. Fisher’s conversation had actually helped with that; but that approach was too painful to choose willingly while gentler options were still available; and Selden believed he could trust himself to gradually see Miss Bart in a more balanced light, as long as he didn’t see her.
Having reached the station early, he had arrived at this point in his reflections before the increasing throng on the platform warned him that he could not hope to preserve his privacy; the next moment there was a hand on the door, and he turned to confront the very face he was fleeing.
Having arrived at the station early, he had gotten to this point in his thoughts before the growing crowd on the platform alerted him that he couldn’t expect to keep his privacy; the next moment, someone was reaching for the door, and he turned to face the very person he was trying to avoid.
Miss Bart, glowing with the haste of a precipitate descent upon the train, headed a group composed of the Dorsets, young Silverton and Lord Hubert Dacey, who had barely time to spring into the carriage, and envelop Selden in ejaculations of surprise and welcome, before the whistle of departure sounded. The party, it appeared, were hastening to Nice in response to a sudden summons to dine with the Duchess of Beltshire and to see the water-fete in the bay; a plan evidently improvised—in spite of Lord Hubert’s protesting “Oh, I say, you know,”—for the express purpose of defeating Mrs. Bry’s endeavour to capture the Duchess.
Miss Bart, excitedly rushing to catch the train, led a group that included the Dorsets, young Silverton, and Lord Hubert Dacey, who barely had time to jump into the carriage and envelop Selden in exclamations of surprise and welcome before the departure whistle blew. It turned out that they were hurrying to Nice due to a last-minute invitation to dine with the Duchess of Beltshire and to see the water display in the bay; a plan that clearly seemed to be made up on the spot—in spite of Lord Hubert’s protesting “Oh, I say, you know,”—intended to thwart Mrs. Bry’s attempt to get close to the Duchess.
During the laughing relation of this manoeuvre, Selden had time for a rapid impression of Miss Bart, who had seated herself opposite to him in the golden afternoon light. Scarcely three months had elapsed since he had parted from her on the threshold of the Brys’ conservatory; but a subtle change had passed over the quality of her beauty. Then it had had a transparency through which the fluctuations of the spirit were sometimes tragically visible; now its impenetrable surface suggested a process of crystallization which had fused her whole being into one hard brilliant substance. The change had struck Mrs. Fisher as a rejuvenation: to Selden it seemed like that moment of pause and arrest when the warm fluidity of youth is chilled into its final shape.
During the light-hearted moment of this maneuver, Selden had a quick impression of Miss Bart, who had sat down across from him in the golden afternoon light. It had been barely three months since they had parted at the entrance of the Brys’ conservatory; but a subtle shift had occurred in her beauty. Back then, her beauty had a transparency that sometimes made the changes in her spirit painfully clear; now, its solid surface suggested a process of crystallization that had turned her entire being into one hard, brilliant substance. Mrs. Fisher saw the change as a rejuvenation: to Selden, it felt like that moment when the warm fluidity of youth is frozen into its final form.
He felt it in the way she smiled on him, and in the readiness and competence with which, flung unexpectedly into his presence, she took up the thread of their intercourse as though that thread had not been snapped with a violence from which he still reeled. Such facility sickened him—but he told himself that it was with the pang which precedes recovery. Now he would really get well—would eject the last drop of poison from his blood. Already he felt himself calmer in her presence than he had learned to be in the thought of her. Her assumptions and elisions, her short-cuts and long DETOURS, the skill with which she contrived to meet him at a point from which no inconvenient glimpses of the past were visible, suggested what opportunities she had had for practising such arts since their last meeting. He felt that she had at last arrived at an understanding with herself: had made a pact with her rebellious impulses, and achieved a uniform system of self-government, under which all vagrant tendencies were either held captive or forced into the service of the state.
He sensed it in the way she smiled at him, and in the ease and skill with which, unexpectedly thrown into his presence, she picked up their conversation as if the connection hadn't been severed by a trauma he was still reeling from. That kind of ease made him sick—but he convinced himself it was the discomfort before healing. Now he would truly get better—would purge the last bit of poison from his system. He already felt calmer around her than he had in his thoughts of her. Her assumptions and omissions, her shortcuts and lengthy detours, the way she managed to meet him at a point where no awkward reminders of the past were visible, hinted at how much practice she had since their last encounter. He felt she had finally come to terms with herself: she had made a deal with her rebellious instincts and established a consistent system of self-control, under which all stray impulses were either contained or directed to serve her purpose.
And he saw other things too in her manner: saw how it had adjusted itself to the hidden intricacies of a situation in which, even after Mrs. Fisher’s elucidating flashes, he still felt himself agrope. Surely Mrs. Fisher could no longer charge Miss Bart with neglecting her opportunities! To Selden’s exasperated observation she was only too completely alive to them. She was “perfect” to every one: subservient to Bertha’s anxious predominance, good-naturedly watchful of Dorset’s moods, brightly companionable to Silverton and Dacey, the latter of whom met her on an evident footing of old admiration, while young Silverton, portentously self-absorbed, seemed conscious of her only as of something vaguely obstructive. And suddenly, as Selden noted the fine shades of manner by which she harmonized herself with her surroundings, it flashed on him that, to need such adroit handling, the situation must indeed be desperate. She was on the edge of something—that was the impression left with him. He seemed to see her poised on the brink of a chasm, with one graceful foot advanced to assert her unconsciousness that the ground was failing her.
And he noticed other things in her behavior: how it adjusted to the complex details of a situation where, even after Mrs. Fisher's clarifying moments, he still felt lost. Surely, Mrs. Fisher couldn’t still accuse Miss Bart of missing her chances! To Selden’s annoyed observation, she was all too aware of them. She was “perfect” to everyone: accommodating Bertha’s worried dominance, thoughtfully attentive to Dorset’s moods, and cheerfully engaging with Silverton and Dacey, the latter who interacted with her clearly showing signs of past admiration, while young Silverton, significantly self-absorbed, seemed only to regard her as something vaguely obstructive. And suddenly, as Selden picked up on the subtle ways she adapted to her environment, it struck him that the need for such skilled navigation indicated that the situation must be truly dire. She was teetering on the edge of something—that’s the feeling he was left with. He felt he could see her balancing on the precipice of a void, with one elegant foot forward, unaware that the ground beneath her was crumbling.
On the Promenade des Anglais, where Ned Silverton hung on him for the half hour before dinner, he received a deeper impression of the general insecurity. Silverton was in a mood of Titanic pessimism. How any one could come to such a damned hole as the Riviera—any one with a grain of imagination—with the whole Mediterranean to choose from: but then, if one’s estimate of a place depended on the way they broiled a spring chicken! Gad! what a study might be made of the tyranny of the stomach—the way a sluggish liver or insufficient gastric juices might affect the whole course of the universe, overshadow everything in reach—chronic dyspepsia ought to be among the “statutory causes”; a woman’s life might be ruined by a man’s inability to digest fresh bread. Grotesque? Yes—and tragic—like most absurdities. There’s nothing grimmer than the tragedy that wears a comic mask.... Where was he? Oh—the reason they chucked Sicily and rushed back? Well—partly, no doubt, Miss Bart’s desire to get back to bridge and smartness. Dead as a stone to art and poetry—the light never WAS on sea or land for her! And of course she persuaded Dorset that the Italian food was bad for him. Oh, she could make him believe anything—ANYTHING! Mrs. Dorset was aware of it—oh, perfectly: nothing SHE didn’t see! But she could hold her tongue—she’d had to, often enough. Miss Bart was an intimate friend—she wouldn’t hear a word against her. Only it hurts a woman’s pride—there are some things one doesn’t get used to.... All this in confidence, of course? Ah—and there were the ladies signalling from the balcony of the hotel.... He plunged across the Promenade, leaving Selden to a meditative cigar.
On the Promenade des Anglais, where Ned Silverton clung to him for half an hour before dinner, he got a stronger sense of the general insecurity. Silverton was in a mood of extreme pessimism. How could anyone choose a terrible place like the Riviera—anyone with any imagination—when you have the whole Mediterranean to pick from? But then, if someone’s view of a place relied on how well they cooked a spring chicken! Wow! What a study could be made of how the body’s needs—the effects of a slow liver or poor digestion—could shape the entire course of things, overshadow everything nearby. Chronic indigestion should be recognized as one of the “valid reasons”; a woman’s life could be ruined by a man who can't digest fresh bread. Absurd? Yes—and tragic—like most ridiculous things. There’s nothing sadder than a tragedy dressed up with a funny mask.... Where was he? Oh—the reason they ditched Sicily and hurried back? Well—partly, no doubt, Miss Bart’s wish to return to bridge and sophistication. Completely uninterested in art and poetry—she never saw the light on sea or land! And of course she convinced Dorset that Italian food was bad for him. Oh, she could make him believe anything—ANYTHING! Mrs. Dorset knew it—oh, definitely: nothing she didn’t notice! But she could keep quiet—she’d had to, often enough. Miss Bart was a close friend—she wouldn’t let anyone say a word against her. But it still stings a woman’s pride—there are some things you never get used to.... All this in confidence, of course? Ah—and there were the ladies waving from the hotel balcony.... He hurried across the Promenade, leaving Selden to ponder a cigar.
The conclusions it led him to were fortified, later in the evening, by some of those faint corroborative hints that generate a light of their own in the dusk of a doubting mind. Selden, stumbling on a chance acquaintance, had dined with him, and adjourned, still in his company, to the brightly lit Promenade, where a line of crowded stands commanded the glittering darkness of the waters. The night was soft and persuasive. Overhead hung a summer sky furrowed with the rush of rockets; and from the east a late moon, pushing up beyond the lofty bend of the coast, sent across the bay a shaft of brightness which paled to ashes in the red glitter of the illuminated boats. Down the lantern-hung Promenade, snatches of band-music floated above the hum of the crowd and the soft tossing of boughs in dusky gardens; and between these gardens and the backs of the stands there flowed a stream of people in whom the vociferous carnival mood seemed tempered by the growing languor of the season.
The conclusions he reached were later reinforced in the evening by some subtle hints that spark a light of their own in the shadows of a questioning mind. Selden, running into a casual acquaintance, had dinner with him and then, still together, went to the brightly lit Promenade, where a line of crowded stands overlooked the shimmering darkness of the waters. The night was warm and inviting. Above them, a summer sky lit up with the rush of fireworks; and from the east, a late moon rising over the high bend of the coast cast a beam of light across the bay, which faded in the red glow of the brightly lit boats. Down the lantern-adorned Promenade, snippets of band music floated above the buzz of the crowd and the gentle rustling of leaves in shadowy gardens; and between these gardens and the backs of the stands, a flow of people moved, their lively carnival mood softened by the increasing lethargy of the season.
Selden and his companion, unable to get seats on one of the stands facing the bay, had wandered for a while with the throng, and then found a point of vantage on a high garden-parapet above the Promenade. Thence they caught but a triangular glimpse of the water, and of the flashing play of boats across its surface; but the crowd in the street was under their immediate view, and seemed to Selden, on the whole, of more interest than the show itself. After a while, however, he wearied of his perch and, dropping alone to the pavement, pushed his way to the first corner and turned into the moonlit silence of a side street. Long garden-walls overhung by trees made a dark boundary to the pavement; an empty cab trailed along the deserted thoroughfare, and presently Selden saw two persons emerge from the opposite shadows, signal to the cab, and drive off in it toward the centre of the town. The moonlight touched them as they paused to enter the carriage, and he recognized Mrs. Dorset and young Silverton.
Selden and his friend, unable to find seats on one of the stands facing the bay, had wandered for a while with the crowd and then found a great spot on a high garden wall above the Promenade. From there, they only caught a small glimpse of the water and the boats flashing across its surface, but the crowd in the street was within their immediate view and seemed to Selden, overall, more interesting than the show itself. After a while, though, he got tired of his spot and, dropping down to the pavement, made his way to the first corner and turned into the quiet moonlit side street. Tall garden walls overshadowed by trees created a dark edge to the pavement; an empty cab drove down the deserted street, and soon Selden saw two people come out from the shadows across the way, signal to the cab, and get in, heading toward the center of town. The moonlight illuminated them as they paused to enter the carriage, and he recognized Mrs. Dorset and young Silverton.
Beneath the nearest lamp-post he glanced at his watch and saw that the time was close on eleven. He took another cross street, and without breasting the throng on the Promenade, made his way to the fashionable club which overlooks that thoroughfare. Here, amid the blaze of crowded baccarat tables, he caught sight of Lord Hubert Dacey, seated with his habitual worn smile behind a rapidly dwindling heap of gold. The heap being in due course wiped out, Lord Hubert rose with a shrug, and joining Selden, adjourned with him to the deserted terrace of the club. It was now past midnight, and the throng on the stands was dispersing, while the long trails of red-lit boats scattered and faded beneath a sky repossessed by the tranquil splendour of the moon.
Beneath the nearest lamp post, he checked his watch and noticed it was almost eleven. He took another side street, and without pushing through the crowd on the Promenade, made his way to the upscale club overlooking that busy road. Here, amidst the bright lights of crowded baccarat tables, he spotted Lord Hubert Dacey, sitting with his usual tired smile behind a quickly shrinking pile of cash. Once the pile was eventually wiped out, Lord Hubert stood up with a shrug and joined Selden as they headed to the empty terrace of the club. It was now past midnight, and the crowd in the stands was breaking up, while the long strings of red-lit boats scattered and faded under a sky reclaimed by the serene beauty of the moon.
Lord Hubert looked at his watch. “By Jove, I promised to join the Duchess for supper at the LONDON HOUSE; but it’s past twelve, and I suppose they’ve all scattered. The fact is, I lost them in the crowd soon after dinner, and took refuge here, for my sins. They had seats on one of the stands, but of course they couldn’t stop quiet: the Duchess never can. She and Miss Bart went off in quest of what they call adventures—gad, it ain’t their fault if they don’t have some queer ones!” He added tentatively, after pausing to grope for a cigarette: “Miss Bart’s an old friend of yours, I believe? So she told me.—Ah, thanks—I don’t seem to have one left.” He lit Selden’s proffered cigarette, and continued, in his high-pitched drawling tone: “None of my business, of course, but I didn’t introduce her to the Duchess. Charming woman, the Duchess, you understand; and a very good friend of mine; but RATHER a liberal education.”
Lord Hubert checked his watch. “Wow, I promised to meet the Duchess for dinner at the LONDON HOUSE; but it’s past midnight, and I assume everyone’s scattered. To be honest, I lost them in the crowd right after dinner and decided to hide out here, for my own reasons. They had seats on one of the stands, but of course, they couldn’t just sit still: the Duchess never can. She and Miss Bart went off looking for what they call adventures—goodness, it's not their fault if they come across some strange ones!” He added cautiously after pausing to search for a cigarette: “I believe Miss Bart is an old friend of yours? That’s what she told me.—Ah, thanks—I don’t seem to have one left.” He lit Selden’s offered cigarette and continued in his high-pitched, drawling tone: “Not that it’s any of my business, of course, but I didn’t introduce her to the Duchess. The Duchess is a charming woman, you know; a very good friend of mine, but she certainly has quite a liberal education.”
Selden received this in silence, and after a few puffs Lord Hubert broke out again: “Sort of thing one can’t communicate to the young lady—though young ladies nowadays are so competent to judge for themselves; but in this case—I’m an old friend too, you know . . . and there seemed no one else to speak to. The whole situation’s a little mixed, as I see it—but there used to be an aunt somewhere, a diffuse and innocent person, who was great at bridging over chasms she didn’t see.... Ah, in New York, is she? Pity New York’s such a long way off!”
Selden took this in quietly, and after a few moments, Lord Hubert spoke up again: “It’s not the kind of thing you can share with the young lady—though young ladies these days are quite capable of making their own judgments; but in this situation—I’m also an old friend, you know... and there didn’t seem to be anyone else to talk to. The whole situation is a bit complicated, as I see it—but there used to be an aunt around, a rather naive and gentle person, who was great at crossing gaps she didn’t notice.... Ah, she’s in New York, is she? Too bad New York is such a long way away!”
Chapter 2
Miss Bart, emerging late the next morning from her cabin, found herself alone on the deck of the Sabrina.
Miss Bart, coming out of her cabin late the next morning, found herself alone on the deck of the Sabrina.
The cushioned chairs, disposed expectantly under the wide awning, showed no signs of recent occupancy, and she presently learned from a steward that Mrs. Dorset had not yet appeared, and that the gentlemen—separately—had gone ashore as soon as they had breakfasted. Supplied with these facts, Lily leaned awhile over the side, giving herself up to a leisurely enjoyment of the spectacle before her. Unclouded sunlight enveloped sea and shore in a bath of purest radiancy. The purpling waters drew a sharp white line of foam at the base of the shore; against its irregular eminences, hotels and villas flashed from the greyish verdure of olive and eucalyptus; and the background of bare and finely-pencilled mountains quivered in a pale intensity of light.
The cushioned chairs, placed expectantly under the wide awning, showed no signs of having been used recently, and she soon found out from a steward that Mrs. Dorset had not arrived yet, and that the gentlemen—each on their own—had gone ashore right after breakfast. Armed with this information, Lily leaned over the side for a while, soaking in the leisurely enjoyment of the scene in front of her. The unclouded sunlight bathed the sea and shore in a brilliant glow. The deepening blue waters created a sharp white line of foam along the shore; against its uneven heights, hotels and villas sparkled among the greyish greenery of olive and eucalyptus trees; and the background of bare, finely-detailed mountains shimmered in a soft intensity of light.
How beautiful it was—and how she loved beauty! She had always felt that her sensibility in this direction made up for certain obtusenesses of feeling of which she was less proud; and during the last three months she had indulged it passionately. The Dorsets’ invitation to go abroad with them had come as an almost miraculous release from crushing difficulties; and her faculty for renewing herself in new scenes, and casting off problems of conduct as easily as the surroundings in which they had arisen, made the mere change from one place to another seem, not merely a postponement, but a solution of her troubles. Moral complications existed for her only in the environment that had produced them; she did not mean to slight or ignore them, but they lost their reality when they changed their background. She could not have remained in New York without repaying the money she owed to Trenor; to acquit herself of that odious debt she might even have faced a marriage with Rosedale; but the accident of placing the Atlantic between herself and her obligations made them dwindle out of sight as if they had been milestones and she had travelled past them.
How beautiful it was—and how much she loved beauty! She had always felt that her sensitivity in this area made up for certain emotional bluntnesses she wasn’t proud of; and over the last three months, she had embraced it intensely. The Dorsets’ invitation to go abroad with them felt like a miraculous escape from overwhelming challenges; her ability to refresh herself in new places and easily shed the problems that came with them made the shift from one location to another seem not just a delay, but a resolution to her issues. Moral dilemmas only felt real to her in the specific setting that had created them; she didn’t intend to dismiss or ignore them, but they lost their significance when the backdrop changed. She couldn’t have stayed in New York without paying back the money she owed to Trenor; to clear that unpleasant debt, she might have even considered marrying Rosedale. However, having the Atlantic between herself and her obligations made them fade away, as if they were milestones she had left behind.
Her two months on the Sabrina had been especially calculated to aid this illusion of distance. She had been plunged into new scenes, and had found in them a renewal of old hopes and ambitions. The cruise itself charmed her as a romantic adventure. She was vaguely touched by the names and scenes amid which she moved, and had listened to Ned Silverton reading Theocritus by moonlight, as the yacht rounded the Sicilian promontories, with a thrill of the nerves that confirmed her belief in her intellectual superiority. But the weeks at Cannes and Nice had really given her more pleasure. The gratification of being welcomed in high company, and of making her own ascendency felt there, so that she found herself figuring once more as the “beautiful Miss Bart” in the interesting journal devoted to recording the least movements of her cosmopolitan companions—all these experiences tended to throw into the extreme background of memory the prosaic and sordid difficulties from which she had escaped.
Her two months on the Sabrina had been specifically designed to support this sense of distance. She had been immersed in new experiences and found a revival of old hopes and dreams within them. The cruise itself captivated her as a romantic adventure. She was faintly moved by the names and places around her, and she listened to Ned Silverton reading Theocritus by moonlight as the yacht sailed past the Sicilian cliffs, feeling a thrill that confirmed her belief in her intellectual superiority. However, the weeks spent in Cannes and Nice had genuinely brought her more joy. The pleasure of being welcomed in high society and of asserting her own presence there made her feel like the “beautiful Miss Bart” once again in the trendy magazine that recorded the daily activities of her cosmopolitan friends. All these experiences pushed the mundane and unpleasant challenges she had escaped into the far background of her memory.
If she was faintly aware of fresh difficulties ahead, she was sure of her ability to meet them: it was characteristic of her to feel that the only problems she could not solve were those with which she was familiar. Meanwhile she could honestly be proud of the skill with which she had adapted herself to somewhat delicate conditions. She had reason to think that she had made herself equally necessary to her host and hostess; and if only she had seen any perfectly irreproachable means of drawing a financial profit from the situation, there would have been no cloud on her horizon. The truth was that her funds, as usual, were inconveniently low; and to neither Dorset nor his wife could this vulgar embarrassment be safely hinted. Still, the need was not a pressing one; she could worry along, as she had so often done before, with the hope of some happy change of fortune to sustain her; and meanwhile life was gay and beautiful and easy, and she was conscious of figuring not unworthily in such a setting.
If she was somewhat aware of new challenges ahead, she was confident in her ability to handle them: it was typical of her to believe that the only problems she couldn’t solve were the ones she already knew. At the same time, she felt genuinely proud of how well she had adjusted to somewhat tricky situations. She had reason to believe that she had become equally important to her hosts; if only she had found a perfectly acceptable way to profit from the situation, there wouldn’t have been any worries on her horizon. The reality was that her funds, as usual, were uncomfortably low; and neither Dorset nor his wife could be safely hinted at regarding this awkward issue. Still, the need wasn't urgent; she could manage, as she had so many times before, with the hope of some fortunate change to keep her going; and in the meantime, life was fun and beautiful and easy, and she was aware that she was not unworthy of such a setting.
She was engaged to breakfast that morning with the Duchess of Beltshire, and at twelve o’clock she asked to be set ashore in the gig. Before this she had sent her maid to enquire if she might see Mrs. Dorset; but the reply came back that the latter was tired, and trying to sleep. Lily thought she understood the reason of the rebuff. Her hostess had not been included in the Duchess’s invitation, though she herself had made the most loyal efforts in that direction. But her grace was impervious to hints, and invited or omitted as she chose. It was not Lily’s fault if Mrs. Dorset’s complicated attitudes did not fall in with the Duchess’s easy gait. The Duchess, who seldom explained herself, had not formulated her objection beyond saying: “She’s rather a bore, you know. The only one of your friends I like is that little Mr. Bry—HE’S funny—” but Lily knew enough not to press the point, and was not altogether sorry to be thus distinguished at her friend’s expense. Bertha certainly HAD grown tiresome since she had taken to poetry and Ned Silverton.
She had plans to have breakfast that morning with the Duchess of Beltshire, and at noon, she requested to be taken ashore in the small boat. Before this, she had sent her maid to ask if she could see Mrs. Dorset, but the answer came back that Mrs. Dorset was tired and trying to sleep. Lily thought she knew why she was being turned away. Her hostess hadn’t been included in the Duchess’s invitation, although Lily had made loyal efforts to change that. But the Duchess didn’t take hints and invited or excluded people as she pleased. It wasn’t Lily’s fault that Mrs. Dorset’s complicated behavior didn’t fit with the Duchess’s relaxed style. The Duchess, who rarely explained herself, hadn’t elaborated on her objection beyond saying, “She’s rather a bore, you know. The only one of your friends I like is that little Mr. Bry—HE’S funny—” but Lily was smart enough not to push the issue and wasn’t entirely unhappy to be favored at her friend’s expense. Bertha had definitely become tiresome since she got into poetry and Ned Silverton.
On the whole, it was a relief to break away now and then from the Sabrina; and the Duchess’s little breakfast, organized by Lord Hubert with all his usual virtuosity, was the pleasanter to Lily for not including her travelling-companions. Dorset, of late, had grown more than usually morose and incalculable, and Ned Silverton went about with an air that seemed to challenge the universe. The freedom and lightness of the ducal intercourse made an agreeable change from these complications, and Lily was tempted, after luncheon, to adjourn in the wake of her companions to the hectic atmosphere of the Casino. She did not mean to play; her diminished pocket-money offered small scope for the adventure; but it amused her to sit on a divan, under the doubtful protection of the Duchess’s back, while the latter hung above her stakes at a neighbouring table.
Overall, it was a relief to occasionally escape from the Sabrina; and the Duchess’s little breakfast, arranged by Lord Hubert with his usual flair, was more enjoyable for Lily because it didn’t include her traveling companions. Recently, Dorset had become even more gloomy and unpredictable, and Ned Silverton seemed to wander around with an attitude that challenged the world. The ease and lightness of the dukes’ interactions provided a refreshing break from these tensions, and after lunch, Lily was tempted to follow her companions to the lively atmosphere of the Casino. She didn’t plan to gamble; her dwindling pocket money didn’t leave much room for that kind of fun; but she found it entertaining to lounge on a couch, under the uncertain protection of the Duchess’s back, while the Duchess played at a nearby table.
The rooms were packed with the gazing throng which, in the afternoon hours, trickles heavily between the tables, like the Sunday crowd in a lion-house. In the stagnant flow of the mass, identities were hardly distinguishable; but Lily presently saw Mrs. Bry cleaving her determined way through the doors, and, in the broad wake she left, the light figure of Mrs. Fisher bobbing after her like a row-boat at the stern of a tug. Mrs. Bry pressed on, evidently animated by the resolve to reach a certain point in the rooms; but Mrs. Fisher, as she passed Lily, broke from her towing-line, and let herself float to the girl’s side.
The rooms were crowded with people who, in the afternoon, moved heavily between the tables, like a Sunday crowd in a zoo. In the slow-moving mass, it was hard to distinguish individuals; but Lily soon spotted Mrs. Bry making her way through the doors with determination, and following in her wake was the lighter figure of Mrs. Fisher, bobbing along like a small boat being pulled by a larger one. Mrs. Bry pushed forward, clearly intent on reaching a specific spot in the rooms; but as she passed by Lily, Mrs. Fisher broke away from her and floated over to the girl’s side.
“Lose her?” she echoed the latter’s query, with an indifferent glance at Mrs. Bry’s retreating back. “I daresay—it doesn’t matter: I HAVE lost her already.” And, as Lily exclaimed, she added: “We had an awful row this morning. You know, of course, that the Duchess chucked her at dinner last night, and she thinks it was my fault—my want of management. The worst of it is, the message—just a mere word by telephone—came so late that the dinner HAD to be paid for; and Becassin HAD run it up—it had been so drummed into him that the Duchess was coming!” Mrs. Fisher indulged in a faint laugh at the remembrance. “Paying for what she doesn’t get rankles so dreadfully with Louisa: I can’t make her see that it’s one of the preliminary steps to getting what you haven’t paid for—and as I was the nearest thing to smash, she smashed me to atoms, poor dear!”
“Lose her?” she repeated the latter’s question, glancing indifferently at Mrs. Bry’s retreating back. “Honestly—it doesn’t matter: I’ve already lost her.” And as Lily exclaimed, she added: “We had a huge fight this morning. You know, of course, that the Duchess dumped her at dinner last night, and she thinks it’s my fault—my lack of control. The worst part is, the message—just a quick call—came so late that we had to pay for the dinner; and Becassin had charged it—he’d been told so many times that the Duchess was coming!” Mrs. Fisher let out a soft laugh at the memory. “Paying for what she doesn’t receive really bothers Louisa: I can’t make her understand that it’s one of the first steps to getting what you haven’t paid for—and since I was the closest target, she took it out on me, poor dear!”
Lily murmured her commiseration. Impulses of sympathy came naturally to her, and it was instinctive to proffer her help to Mrs. Fisher.
Lily softly expressed her sympathy. Feelings of compassion came easily to her, and it was second nature to offer her assistance to Mrs. Fisher.
“If there’s anything I can do—if it’s only a question of meeting the Duchess! I heard her say she thought Mr. Bry amusing——”
“If there’s anything I can do—if it’s just a matter of meeting the Duchess! I heard her say she thought Mr. Bry was amusing——”
But Mrs. Fisher interposed with a decisive gesture. “My dear, I have my pride: the pride of my trade. I couldn’t manage the Duchess, and I can’t palm off your arts on Louisa Bry as mine. I’ve taken the final step: I go to Paris tonight with the Sam Gormers. THEY’RE still in the elementary stage; an Italian Prince is a great deal more than a Prince to them, and they’re always on the brink of taking a courier for one. To save them from that is my present mission.” She laughed again at the picture. “But before I go I want to make my last will and testament—I want to leave you the Brys.”
But Mrs. Fisher interrupted with a firm gesture. “My dear, I have my pride: the pride of my profession. I couldn’t handle the Duchess, and I can’t pass off your talents as my own to Louisa Bry. I’ve made my final decision: I’m heading to Paris tonight with the Sam Gormers. THEY’RE still at a basic level; an Italian Prince means a lot more than just a Prince to them, and they’re always on the verge of mistaking a courier for one. My current mission is to prevent that.” She laughed again at the thought. “But before I leave, I want to make my last will and testament—I want to leave you the Brys.”
“Me?” Miss Bart joined in her amusement. “It’s charming of you to remember me, dear; but really——”
“Me?” Miss Bart laughed along. “It’s sweet of you to remember me, dear; but honestly——”
“You’re already so well provided for?” Mrs. Fisher flashed a sharp glance at her. “ARE you, though, Lily—to the point of rejecting my offer?”
“You’re already taken care of?” Mrs. Fisher shot her a pointed look. “ARE you, really, Lily—to the extent of turning down my offer?”
Miss Bart coloured slowly. “What I really meant was, that the Brys wouldn’t in the least care to be so disposed of.”
Miss Bart flushed slowly. “What I actually meant was that the Brys wouldn't care at all to be treated that way.”
Mrs. Fisher continued to probe her embarrassment with an unflinching eye. “What you really meant was that you’ve snubbed the Brys horribly; and you know that they know——”
Mrs. Fisher kept digging into her embarrassment with a steady gaze. “What you really meant was that you’ve really dissed the Brys; and you know they’re aware of it——”
“Carry!”
"Take it!"
“Oh, on certain sides Louisa bristles with perceptions. If you’d even managed to have them asked once on the Sabrina—especially when royalties were coming! But it’s not too late,” she ended earnestly, “it’s not too late for either of you.”
“Oh, in some ways Louisa is full of insights. If only you had managed to ask them once on the Sabrina—especially when the royalties were rolling in! But it’s not too late,” she concluded earnestly, “it’s not too late for either of you.”
Lily smiled. “Stay over, and I’ll get the Duchess to dine with them.”
Lily smiled. “Stay over, and I’ll have the Duchess join them for dinner.”
“I shan’t stay over—the Gormers have paid for my SALON-LIT,” said Mrs. Fisher with simplicity. “But get the Duchess to dine with them all the same.”
“I won’t stay over—the Gormers have paid for my SALON-LIT,” said Mrs. Fisher plainly. “But still, have the Duchess dine with them.”
Lily’s smile again flowed into a slight laugh: her friend’s importunity was beginning to strike her as irrelevant. “I’m sorry I have been negligent about the Brys——” she began.
Lily’s smile turned into a soft laugh again: her friend's persistence was starting to seem unimportant to her. “I’m sorry I’ve been neglectful about the Brys——” she began.
“Oh, as to the Brys—it’s you I’m thinking of,” said Mrs. Fisher abruptly. She paused, and then, bending forward, with a lowered voice: “You know we all went on to Nice last night when the Duchess chucked us. It was Louisa’s idea—I told her what I thought of it.”
“Oh, about the Brys—it’s you I’m thinking of,” Mrs. Fisher said suddenly. She paused, and then leaned in, lowering her voice: “You know we all went to Nice last night after the Duchess ditched us. It was Louisa’s idea—I told her how I felt about it.”
Miss Bart assented. “Yes—I caught sight of you on the way back, at the station.”
Miss Bart agreed. “Yeah—I saw you on the way back, at the station.”
“Well, the man who was in the carriage with you and George Dorset—that horrid little Dabham who does ‘Society Notes from the Riviera’—had been dining with us at Nice. And he’s telling everybody that you and Dorset came back alone after midnight.”
“Well, the guy who was in the carriage with you and George Dorset—that awful little Dabham who does ‘Society Notes from the Riviera’—had dinner with us in Nice. And he’s telling everyone that you and Dorset came back alone after midnight.”
“Alone—? When he was with us?” Lily laughed, but her laugh faded into gravity under the prolonged implication of Mrs. Fisher’s look. “We DID come back alone—if that’s so very dreadful! But whose fault was it? The Duchess was spending the night at Cimiez with the Crown Princess; Bertha got bored with the show, and went off early, promising to meet us at the station. We turned up on time, but she didn’t—she didn’t turn up at all!”
“Alone—? When he was with us?” Lily laughed, but her laughter faded into seriousness under the lasting weight of Mrs. Fisher’s gaze. “We DID come back alone—if that’s so terrible! But whose fault was that? The Duchess was spending the night at Cimiez with the Crown Princess; Bertha got bored with the show and left early, promising to meet us at the station. We showed up on time, but she didn’t—she didn’t show up at all!”
Miss Bart made this announcement in the tone of one who presents, with careless assurance, a complete vindication; but Mrs. Fisher received it in a manner almost inconsequent. She seemed to have lost sight of her friend’s part in the incident: her inward vision had taken another slant.
Miss Bart made this announcement with the casual confidence of someone who is completely cleared of blame; however, Mrs. Fisher reacted in a way that seemed almost unrelated. She appeared to have overlooked her friend's role in the situation: her internal perspective had shifted elsewhere.
“Bertha never turned up at all? Then how on earth did she get back?”
“Bertha never showed up at all? Then how did she make it back?”
“Oh, by the next train, I suppose; there were two extra ones for the FETE. At any rate, I know she’s safe on the yacht, though I haven’t yet seen her; but you see it was not my fault,” Lily summed up.
“Oh, probably by the next train; there were two extra ones for the FETE. Anyway, I know she’s safe on the yacht, even though I haven’t seen her yet; but you see, it wasn’t my fault,” Lily concluded.
“Not your fault that Bertha didn’t turn up? My poor child, if only you don’t have to pay for it!” Mrs. Fisher rose—she had seen Mrs. Bry surging back in her direction. “There’s Louisa, and I must be off—oh, we’re on the best of terms externally; we’re lunching together; but at heart it’s ME she’s lunching on,” she explained; and with a last hand-clasp and a last look, she added: “Remember, I leave her to you; she’s hovering now, ready to take you in.”
“Not your fault that Bertha didn’t show up? My poor child, I hope you won’t have to deal with the consequences!” Mrs. Fisher stood up—she noticed Mrs. Bry making her way back over. “There’s Louisa, and I really have to go—oh, we’re acting like best friends on the outside; we’re having lunch together; but deep down, it’s ME she’s feeding off,” she explained; and with one last handshake and a final glance, she added: “Remember, I’m leaving her in your hands; she’s lingering now, just waiting to pull you in.”
Lily carried the impression of Mrs. Fisher’s leave-taking away with her from the Casino doors. She had accomplished, before leaving, the first step toward her reinstatement in Mrs. Bry’s good graces. An affable advance—a vague murmur that they must see more of each other—an allusive glance to a near future that was felt to include the Duchess as well as the Sabrina—how easily it was all done, if one possessed the knack of doing it! She wondered at herself, as she had so often wondered, that, possessing the knack, she did not more consistently exercise it. But sometimes she was forgetful—and sometimes, could it be that she was proud? Today, at any rate, she had been vaguely conscious of a reason for sinking her pride, had in fact even sunk it to the point of suggesting to Lord Hubert Dacey, whom she ran across on the Casino steps, that he might really get the Duchess to dine with the Brys, if SHE undertook to have them asked on the Sabrina. Lord Hubert had promised his help, with the readiness on which she could always count: it was his only way of ever reminding her that he had once been ready to do so much more for her. Her path, in short, seemed to smooth itself before her as she advanced; yet the faint stir of uneasiness persisted. Had it been produced, she wondered, by her chance meeting with Selden? She thought not—time and change seemed so completely to have relegated him to his proper distance. The sudden and exquisite reaction from her anxieties had had the effect of throwing the recent past so far back that even Selden, as part of it, retained a certain air of unreality. And he had made it so clear that they were not to meet again; that he had merely dropped down to Nice for a day or two, and had almost his foot on the next steamer. No—that part of the past had merely surged up for a moment on the fleeing surface of events; and now that it was submerged again, the uncertainty, the apprehension persisted.
Lily carried the memory of Mrs. Fisher’s farewell with her from the Casino doors. Before leaving, she had made the first move toward getting back into Mrs. Bry’s good graces. An easy advance—a vague suggestion that they should see each other more often—an allusive glance toward a future that seemed to involve both the Duchess and the Sabrina—how simple it all was, if you knew how to do it! She often wondered, as she had many times before, why she didn’t use her skill more consistently. But sometimes she forgot—and sometimes, could it be that she was proud? Today, at least, she had felt a vague reason to put her pride aside, even going so far as to suggest to Lord Hubert Dacey, whom she bumped into on the Casino steps, that he could really get the Duchess to dine with the Brys if SHE would arrange for them to be invited on the Sabrina. Lord Hubert had promised to help, as he always did: it was his way of subtly reminding her that he had once been ready to do so much more for her. Her path, in short, seemed to clear in front of her as she moved forward; yet a faint uneasiness lingered. She wondered if it was caused by her chance encounter with Selden? She thought not—time and change seemed to have pushed him far enough away. The sudden and delicate relief from her worries had made the recent past feel so distant that even Selden, as part of it, took on a sense of unreality. And he had made it clear that they were not going to see each other again; he had just come down to Nice for a day or two and was almost ready to board the next steamer. No—that part of the past had simply surged up for a moment before vanishing again into the rush of events; but now that it was gone, the uncertainty and apprehension remained.
They grew to sudden acuteness as she caught sight of George Dorset descending the steps of the Hotel de Paris and making for her across the square. She had meant to drive down to the quay and regain the yacht; but she now had the immediate impression that something more was to happen first.
They became sharply aware as she spotted George Dorset coming down the steps of the Hotel de Paris and heading toward her across the square. She had planned to drive to the quay and get back on the yacht, but now she had the strong feeling that something else needed to happen first.
“Which way are you going? Shall we walk a bit?” he began, putting the second question before the first was answered, and not waiting for a reply to either before he directed her silently toward the comparative seclusion of the lower gardens.
“Which way are you headed? Should we take a walk?” he started, asking the second question before the first was answered and not waiting for a response to either before he silently guided her toward the relative seclusion of the lower gardens.
She detected in him at once all the signs of extreme nervous tension. The skin was puffed out under his sunken eyes, and its sallowness had paled to a leaden white against which his irregular eyebrows and long reddish moustache were relieved with a saturnine effect. His appearance, in short, presented an odd mixture of the bedraggled and the ferocious.
She noticed immediately that he was extremely tense. The skin around his sunken eyes was puffy, and its sickly color had turned a dull white, making his uneven eyebrows and long reddish mustache stand out in a grim way. Overall, he looked like a bizarre combination of disheveled and fierce.
He walked beside her in silence, with quick precipitate steps, till they reached the embowered slopes to the east of the Casino; then, pulling up abruptly, he said: “Have you seen Bertha?”
He walked next to her quietly, his steps hurried and impatient, until they got to the sheltered hills east of the Casino; then, stopping suddenly, he asked, “Have you seen Bertha?”
“No—when I left the yacht she was not yet up.”
“No—when I left the yacht, she still wasn’t up.”
He received this with a laugh like the whirring sound in a disabled clock. “Not yet up? Had she gone to bed? Do you know at what time she came on board? This morning at seven!” he exclaimed.
He received this with a laugh that sounded like a broken clock ticking. “Not up yet? Had she gone to bed? Do you know what time she arrived? This morning at seven!” he exclaimed.
“At seven?” Lily started. “What happened—an accident to the train?”
“At seven?” Lily exclaimed. “What happened—did the train have an accident?”
He laughed again. “They missed the train—all the trains—they had to drive back.”
He laughed again. “They missed the train—all the trains—they had to drive back.”
“Well——?” She hesitated, feeling at once how little even this necessity accounted for the fatal lapse of hours.
“Well——?” She paused, realizing just how insignificant even this necessity was compared to the dangerous passage of time.
“Well, they couldn’t get a carriage at once—at that time of night, you know—” the explanatory note made it almost seem as though he were putting the case for his wife—“and when they finally did, it was only a one-horse cab, and the horse was lame!”
“Well, they couldn’t get a cab right away—at that time of night, you know—” the explanatory note made it sound like he was justifying things for his wife—“and when they finally did, it was just a single-horse cab, and the horse was lame!”
“How tiresome! I see,” she affirmed, with the more earnestness because she was so nervously conscious that she did not; and after a pause she added: “I’m so sorry—but ought we to have waited?”
“How exhausting! I get it,” she said, more seriously because she was nervously aware that she didn't. After a pause, she added, “I’m really sorry—but should we have waited?”
“Waited for the one-horse cab? It would scarcely have carried the four of us, do you think?”
“Waited for the one-horse cab? Do you really think it would have been able to fit all four of us?”
She took this in what seemed the only possible way, with a laugh intended to sink the question itself in his humorous treatment of it. “Well, it would have been difficult; we should have had to walk by turns. But it would have been jolly to see the sunrise.”
She took this in what seemed like the only way possible, laughing to downplay the question with his humorous take on it. “Well, it would have been tough; we would have had to take turns walking. But it would have been great to see the sunrise.”
“Yes: the sunrise WAS jolly,” he agreed.
“Yes, the sunrise WAS cheerful,” he agreed.
“Was it? You saw it, then?”
“Seriously? You saw it?”
“I saw it, yes; from the deck. I waited up for them.”
“I saw it, yeah; from the deck. I stayed up for them.”
“Naturally—I suppose you were worried. Why didn’t you call on me to share your vigil?”
“Of course—I guess you were concerned. Why didn’t you reach out to me to keep you company?”
He stood still, dragging at his moustache with a lean weak hand. “I don’t think you would have cared for its DENOUEMENT,” he said with sudden grimness.
He stood still, tugging at his mustache with a thin, weak hand. “I don’t think you would have liked its ending,” he said with sudden seriousness.
Again she was disconcerted by the abrupt change in his tone, and as in one flash she saw the peril of the moment, and the need of keeping her sense of it out of her eyes.
Again she felt unsettled by the sudden shift in his tone, and in an instant, she recognized the danger of the situation and the necessity of keeping her understanding of it from showing in her eyes.
“DENOUEMENT—isn’t that too big a word for such a small incident? The worst of it, after all, is the fatigue which Bertha has probably slept off by this time.”
“DENOUEMENT—isn’t that too grand a word for such a minor event? The worst part is the exhaustion, which Bertha has likely already slept off by now.”
She clung to the note bravely, though its futility was now plain to her in the glare of his miserable eyes.
She held onto the note bravely, even though its uselessness was clear to her in the harsh light of his sad eyes.
“Don’t—don’t——!” he broke out, with the hurt cry of a child; and while she tried to merge her sympathy, and her resolve to ignore any cause for it, in one ambiguous murmur of deprecation, he dropped down on the bench near which they had paused, and poured out the wretchedness of his soul.
“Don’t—don’t——!” he exclaimed with the pained cry of a child; and while she attempted to blend her sympathy with her determination to dismiss any reason for it in one unclear murmur of disapproval, he sank onto the bench where they had stopped and poured out the misery of his soul.
It was a dreadful hour—an hour from which she emerged shrinking and seared, as though her lids had been scorched by its actual glare. It was not that she had never had premonitory glimpses of such an outbreak; but rather because, here and there throughout the three months, the surface of life had shown such ominous cracks and vapours that her fears had always been on the alert for an upheaval. There had been moments when the situation had presented itself under a homelier yet more vivid image—that of a shaky vehicle, dashed by unbroken steeds over a bumping road, while she cowered within, aware that the harness wanted mending, and wondering what would give way first. Well—everything had given way now; and the wonder was that the crazy outfit had held together so long. Her sense of being involved in the crash, instead of merely witnessing it from the road, was intensified by the way in which Dorset, through his furies of denunciation and wild reactions of self-contempt, made her feel the need he had of her, the place she had taken in his life. But for her, what ear would have been open to his cries? And what hand but hers could drag him up again to a footing of sanity and self-respect? All through the stress of the struggle with him, she had been conscious of something faintly maternal in her efforts to guide and uplift him. But for the present, if he clung to her, it was not in order to be dragged up, but to feel some one floundering in the depths with him: he wanted her to suffer with him, not to help him to suffer less.
It was an awful hour—an hour from which she came out feeling small and burnt, as if her eyelids had been scorched by its actual brightness. It wasn’t that she had never sensed a potential explosion; it was more that, throughout the past three months, life had revealed such troubling cracks and signs that her fears had always been ready for a major disruption. There had been times when the situation appeared in a more relatable yet vivid way—as a shaky vehicle driven by wild horses over a bumpy road, while she cowered inside, aware that the harness needed fixing and wondering what would break first. Well—everything had fallen apart now; and the surprising thing was that the crazy vehicle had held together for so long. Her feeling of being caught up in the crash, rather than just watching it from the sidelines, was heightened by the way Dorset, through his furious accusations and extreme self-loathing, made her realize how much he needed her and the role she played in his life. Without her, who would have listened to his cries? And whose hand but hers could lift him back up to a place of sanity and self-respect? Throughout the struggle with him, she had felt a faintly maternal impulse in her attempts to guide and support him. But for now, if he held onto her, it was not to be pulled up, but to have someone share in his suffering: he wanted her to feel the pain with him, not to help him feel less of it.
Happily for both, there was little physical strength to sustain his frenzy. It left him, collapsed and breathing heavily, to an apathy so deep and prolonged that Lily almost feared the passers-by would think it the result of a seizure, and stop to offer their aid. But Monte Carlo is, of all places, the one where the human bond is least close, and odd sights are the least arresting. If a glance or two lingered on the couple, no intrusive sympathy disturbed them; and it was Lily herself who broke the silence by rising from her seat. With the clearing of her vision the sweep of peril had extended, and she saw that the post of danger was no longer at Dorset’s side.
Fortunately for both of them, there wasn't much physical strength left to support his outburst. It faded away, leaving him slumped and gasping for air, stuck in a deep apathy that made Lily almost worry that passers-by would think he was having a seizure and stop to help. But Monte Carlo is, of all places, where human connections are the most distant, and strange sights attract the least attention. If a few glances lingered on the couple, no one offered any intrusive sympathy; it was Lily herself who broke the silence by getting up from her seat. With her vision clearing, she realized that the danger was no longer at Dorset’s side.
“If you won’t go back, I must—don’t make me leave you!” she urged.
“If you won’t go back, I have to—please don’t make me leave you!” she urged.
But he remained mutely resistant, and she added: “What are you going to do? You really can’t sit here all night.”
But he stayed silently defiant, and she added: “What are you planning to do? You really can’t just sit here all night.”
“I can go to an hotel. I can telegraph my lawyers.” He sat up, roused by a new thought. “By Jove, Selden’s at Nice—I’ll send for Selden!”
“I can go to a hotel. I can wire my lawyers.” He sat up, energized by a new idea. “Wow, Selden’s in Nice—I’ll call for Selden!”
Lily, at this, reseated herself with a cry of alarm. “No, no, NO!” she protested.
Lily, upon hearing this, sat back down with a startled cry. “No, no, NO!” she exclaimed.
He swung round on her distrustfully. “Why not Selden? He’s a lawyer isn’t he? One will do as well as another in a case like this.”
He turned to her with suspicion. “Why not Selden? He's a lawyer, right? Any lawyer will do in a situation like this.”
“As badly as another, you mean. I thought you relied on ME to help you.”
“As badly as someone else, you mean. I thought you counted on ME to help you.”
“You do—by being so sweet and patient with me. If it hadn’t been for you I’d have ended the thing long ago. But now it’s got to end.” He rose suddenly, straightening himself with an effort. “You can’t want to see me ridiculous.”
“You do—by being so kind and patient with me. If it hadn’t been for you, I would have ended this long ago. But now it has to come to an end.” He stood up abruptly, straightening himself with difficulty. “You don’t want to see me look foolish.”
She looked at him kindly. “That’s just it.” Then, after a moment’s pondering, almost to her own surprise she broke out with a flash of inspiration: “Well, go over and see Mr. Selden. You’ll have time to do it before dinner.”
She looked at him kindly. “That’s exactly it.” Then, after a moment of thinking, almost to her own surprise, she suddenly had a great idea: “Well, go see Mr. Selden. You’ll have time to do it before dinner.”
“Oh, DINNER——” he mocked her; but she left him with the smiling rejoinder: “Dinner on board, remember; we’ll put it off till nine if you like.”
“Oh, DINNER——” he teased her; but she responded with a smile, “Dinner on board, remember; we can delay it until nine if you want.”
It was past four already; and when a cab had dropped her at the quay, and she stood waiting for the gig to put off for her, she began to wonder what had been happening on the yacht. Of Silverton’s whereabouts there had been no mention. Had he returned to the Sabrina? Or could Bertha—the dread alternative sprang on her suddenly—could Bertha, left to herself, have gone ashore to rejoin him? Lily’s heart stood still at the thought. All her concern had hitherto been for young Silverton, not only because, in such affairs, the woman’s instinct is to side with the man, but because his case made a peculiar appeal to her sympathies. He was so desperately in earnest, poor youth, and his earnestness was of so different a quality from Bertha’s, though hers too was desperate enough. The difference was that Bertha was in earnest only about herself, while he was in earnest about her. But now, at the actual crisis, this difference seemed to throw the weight of destitution on Bertha’s side, since at least he had her to suffer for, and she had only herself. At any rate, viewed less ideally, all the disadvantages of such a situation were for the woman; and it was to Bertha that Lily’s sympathies now went out. She was not fond of Bertha Dorset, but neither was she without a sense of obligation, the heavier for having so little personal liking to sustain it. Bertha had been kind to her, they had lived together, during the last months, on terms of easy friendship, and the sense of friction of which Lily had recently become aware seemed to make it the more urgent that she should work undividedly in her friend’s interest.
It was already past four, and as a cab dropped her off at the dock, she stood waiting for the boat to leave. She started to wonder what had been going on with the yacht. There had been no news about Silverton. Had he gone back to the Sabrina? Or could it be that Bertha—an unsettling thought that hit her suddenly—had gone ashore to find him? Lily’s heart froze at that idea. Up until now, she had only been worried about young Silverton, not just because, in these situations, women tend to side with men, but because his situation touched her deeply. He was so earnestly committed, poor guy, and his seriousness felt very different from Bertha’s, even though hers was pretty desperate too. The difference was that Bertha only cared about herself, while he was concerned about her. But now, in this critical moment, that difference made it seem like Bertha was the one in a more desperate position, since at least he had her to worry about, while she was only focused on herself. Anyway, looking at it more realistically, all the disadvantages of this situation fell on the woman, and Lily now found her sympathies leaning towards Bertha. She didn’t particularly like Bertha Dorset, but she also felt a sense of obligation, which felt heavier since she didn’t have much personal affection to balance it out. Bertha had been nice to her, and they had lived together in a comfortable friendship over the past few months. The tension Lily had recently noticed made it feel even more crucial that she focus entirely on helping her friend.
It was in Bertha’s interest, certainly, that she had despatched Dorset to consult with Lawrence Selden. Once the grotesqueness of the situation accepted, she had seen at a glance that it was the safest in which Dorset could find himself. Who but Selden could thus miraculously combine the skill to save Bertha with the obligation of doing so? The consciousness that much skill would be required made Lily rest thankfully in the greatness of the obligation. Since he would HAVE to pull Bertha through she could trust him to find a way; and she put the fulness of her trust in the telegram she managed to send him on her way to the quay.
It was definitely in Bertha’s best interest that she had sent Dorset to talk to Lawrence Selden. Once she accepted how bizarre the situation was, she realized it was the safest place for Dorset to be. Who else but Selden could magically have the expertise to save Bertha while also being responsible for doing it? Knowing that a lot of skill would be needed made Lily feel relieved about the weight of the responsibility. Since he would HAVE to help Bertha, she trusted him to figure it out; and she fully placed her trust in the telegram she managed to send him on her way to the dock.
Thus far, then, Lily felt that she had done well; and the conviction strengthened her for the task that remained. She and Bertha had never been on confidential terms, but at such a crisis the barriers of reserve must surely fall: Dorset’s wild allusions to the scene of the morning made Lily feel that they were down already, and that any attempt to rebuild them would be beyond Bertha’s strength. She pictured the poor creature shivering behind her fallen defences and awaiting with suspense the moment when she could take refuge in the first shelter that offered. If only that shelter had not already offered itself elsewhere! As the gig traversed the short distance between the quay and the yacht, Lily grew more than ever alarmed at the possible consequences of her long absence. What if the wretched Bertha, finding in all the long hours no soul to turn to—but by this time Lily’s eager foot was on the side-ladder, and her first step on the Sabrina showed the worst of her apprehensions to be unfounded; for there, in the luxurious shade of the after-deck, the wretched Bertha, in full command of her usual attenuated elegance, sat dispensing tea to the Duchess of Beltshire and Lord Hubert.
So far, Lily felt she had done well, and that belief gave her strength for the task ahead. She and Bertha had never been close, but in such a crisis, the walls of reserve should surely come down. Dorset’s wild hints about the morning’s events made Lily think those walls were already gone, and rebuilding them would be too much for Bertha. She imagined the poor woman shivering behind her fallen defenses, anxiously waiting for an opportunity to find refuge in the first safe place that came along. If only that safe place hadn’t already appeared elsewhere! As the carriage traveled the short distance between the dock and the yacht, Lily became increasingly worried about the potential fallout from her long absence. What if the unfortunate Bertha, finding no one to turn to during those long hours? But by that time, Lily’s eager foot was already on the side ladder, and her first step onto the Sabrina showed that her worst fears were unfounded; there, in the luxurious shade of the after-deck, the unfortunate Bertha, fully in control of her usual delicate elegance, sat serving tea to the Duchess of Beltshire and Lord Hubert.
The sight filled Lily with such surprise that she felt that Bertha, at least, must read its meaning in her look, and she was proportionately disconcerted by the blankness of the look returned. But in an instant she saw that Mrs. Dorset had, of necessity, to look blank before the others, and that, to mitigate the effect of her own surprise, she must at once produce some simple reason for it. The long habit of rapid transitions made it easy for her to exclaim to the Duchess: “Why, I thought you’d gone back to the Princess!” and this sufficed for the lady she addressed, if it was hardly enough for Lord Hubert.
The sight stunned Lily so much that she felt Bertha must see the meaning in her expression, which made her even more unsettled by the emptiness of Bertha's response. But in a moment, she realized that Mrs. Dorset had to maintain a blank expression in front of the others, and to lessen her own shock, she needed to quickly come up with a simple explanation. Years of adapting quickly made it easy for her to say to the Duchess, “I thought you had gone back to the Princess!” and that was enough for the woman she spoke to, even if it was barely sufficient for Lord Hubert.
At least it opened the way to a lively explanation of how the Duchess was, in fact, going back the next moment, but had first rushed out to the yacht for a word with Mrs. Dorset on the subject of tomorrow’s dinner—the dinner with the Brys, to which Lord Hubert had finally insisted on dragging them.
At least it paved the way for a lively explanation of how the Duchess was actually heading back right after but had first sprinted out to the yacht to talk with Mrs. Dorset about tomorrow's dinner—the dinner with the Brys, which Lord Hubert had ultimately insisted on dragging them to.
“To save my neck, you know!” he explained, with a glance that appealed to Lily for some recognition of his promptness; and the Duchess added, with her noble candour: “Mr. Bry has promised him a tip, and he says if we go he’ll pass it onto us.”
“To save my skin, you know!” he explained, casting a look at Lily for some acknowledgment of his quick thinking; and the Duchess added, with her genuine honesty: “Mr. Bry has promised him a tip, and he says if we go, he’ll share it with us.”
This led to some final pleasantries, in which, as it seemed to Lily, Mrs. Dorset bore her part with astounding bravery, and at the close of which Lord Hubert, from half way down the side-ladder, called back, with an air of numbering heads: “And of course we may count on Dorset too?”
This led to some final polite exchanges, during which, as it seemed to Lily, Mrs. Dorset handled her part with remarkable courage, and at the end of which Lord Hubert, halfway down the side-ladder, called back, with a tone that suggested he was counting heads: “And of course we can count on Dorset too?”
“Oh, count on him,” his wife assented gaily. She was keeping up well to the last—but as she turned back from waving her adieux over the side, Lily said to herself that the mask must drop and the soul of fear look out.
“Oh, you can rely on him,” his wife agreed cheerfully. She was holding it together until the end—but as she turned back from waving her goodbyes over the side, Lily thought to herself that the façade had to fall and the essence of fear would emerge.
Mrs. Dorset turned back slowly; perhaps she wanted time to steady her muscles; at any rate, they were still under perfect control when, dropping once more into her seat behind the tea-table, she remarked to Miss Bart with a faint touch of irony: “I suppose I ought to say good morning.”
Mrs. Dorset turned back slowly; maybe she needed a moment to steady herself. Anyway, her composure was intact when she sat down again at the tea table and said to Miss Bart with a slight hint of irony, “I guess I should say good morning.”
If it was a cue, Lily was ready to take it, though with only the vaguest sense of what was expected of her in return. There was something unnerving in the contemplation of Mrs. Dorset’s composure, and she had to force the light tone in which she answered: “I tried to see you this morning, but you were not yet up.”
If it was a sign, Lily was prepared to act on it, even though she only had the slightest idea of what people expected from her in return. There was something unsettling about considering Mrs. Dorset’s calmness, and she had to push herself to respond in a cheerful tone: “I tried to see you this morning, but you weren’t up yet.”
“No—I got to bed late. After we missed you at the station I thought we ought to wait for you till the last train.” She spoke very gently, but with just the least tinge of reproach.
“No—I went to bed late. After we missed you at the station, I thought we should wait for you until the last train.” She spoke very softly, but with just a hint of disappointment.
“You missed us? You waited for us at the station?” Now indeed Lily was too far adrift in bewilderment to measure the other’s words or keep watch on her own. “But I thought you didn’t get to the station till after the last train had left!”
“You missed us? You waited for us at the station?” Now Lily was so confused that she couldn’t figure out what the other person was saying or pay attention to her own thoughts. “But I thought you didn’t get to the station until after the last train had left!”
Mrs. Dorset, examining her between lowered lids, met this with the immediate query: “Who told you that?”
Mrs. Dorset, looking at her with half-closed eyes, responded with the immediate question: “Who told you that?”
“George—I saw him just now in the gardens.”
“George—I just saw him in the gardens.”
“Ah, is that George’s version? Poor George—he was in no state to remember what I told him. He had one of his worst attacks this morning, and I packed him off to see the doctor. Do you know if he found him?”
“Ah, is that George’s version? Poor George—he was in no condition to remember what I told him. He had one of his worst episodes this morning, and I sent him off to see the doctor. Do you know if he found him?”
Lily, still lost in conjecture, made no reply, and Mrs. Dorset settled herself indolently in her seat. “He’ll wait to see him; he was horribly frightened about himself. It’s very bad for him to be worried, and whenever anything upsetting happens, it always brings on an attack.”
Lily, still deep in thought, didn't respond, and Mrs. Dorset lazily got comfortable in her seat. “He'll wait to see him; he was incredibly scared for himself. It's really not good for him to be anxious, and whenever something stressful happens, it always triggers an episode.”
This time Lily felt sure that a cue was being pressed on her; but it was put forth with such startling suddenness, and with so incredible an air of ignoring what it led up to, that she could only falter out doubtfully: “Anything upsetting?”
This time, Lily felt certain that someone was hinting at something; but it came so suddenly and with such a strange sense of ignoring what it was all about that she could only hesitantly ask, “Is something wrong?”
“Yes—such as having you so conspicuously on his hands in the small hours. You know, my dear, you’re rather a big responsibility in such a scandalous place after midnight.”
“Yes—like having you so obviously on his hands in the early hours. You know, my dear, you’re quite a big responsibility in such a scandalous place after midnight.”
At that—at the complete unexpectedness and the inconceivable audacity of it—Lily could not restrain the tribute of an astonished laugh.
At that—the total surprise and the unbelievable audacity of it—Lily couldn't hold back a laugh of astonishment.
“Well, really—considering it was you who burdened him with the responsibility!”
“Well, come on—considering it was you who put that responsibility on him!”
Mrs. Dorset took this with an exquisite mildness. “By not having the superhuman cleverness to discover you in that frightful rush for the train? Or the imagination to believe that you’d take it without us—you and he all alone—instead of waiting quietly in the station till we DID manage to meet you?”
Mrs. Dorset took this with a remarkable calmness. “By not having the incredible smarts to find you in that crazy rush for the train? Or the imagination to think that you’d take it without us—you and him all alone—instead of just waiting quietly at the station until we actually managed to meet you?”
Lily’s colour rose: it was growing clear to her that Bertha was pursuing an object, following a line she had marked out for herself. Only, with such a doom impending, why waste time in these childish efforts to avert it? The puerility of the attempt disarmed Lily’s indignation: did it not prove how horribly the poor creature was frightened?
Lily felt her cheeks heat; it was becoming clear to her that Bertha was after something, following a path she had decided on. But with such a terrible fate looming, why bother with these silly attempts to escape it? The childishness of the effort took away Lily’s anger: didn’t it show just how terrified the poor girl really was?
“No; by our simply all keeping together at Nice,” she returned.
“No; by all of us just sticking together in Nice,” she replied.
“Keeping together? When it was you who seized the first opportunity to rush off with the Duchess and her friends? My dear Lily, you are not a child to be led by the hand!”
“Sticking together? When you were the one who jumped at the first chance to run off with the Duchess and her friends? My dear Lily, you’re not a child to be guided like that!”
“No—nor to be lectured, Bertha, really; if that’s what you are doing to me now.”
“No—nor to be lectured, Bertha, honestly; if that’s what you’re doing to me right now.”
Mrs. Dorset smiled on her reproachfully. “Lecture you—I? Heaven forbid! I was merely trying to give you a friendly hint. But it’s usually the other way round, isn’t it? I’m expected to take hints, not to give them: I’ve positively lived on them all these last months.”
Mrs. Dorset smiled at her in a reproachful way. “Lecture you—I? Heaven forbid! I was just trying to give you a friendly tip. But it's usually the other way around, right? I'm the one expected to pick up on hints, not to give them: I’ve practically been surviving on them for the past few months.”
“Hints—from me to you?” Lily repeated.
“Hints—from me to you?” Lily said again.
“Oh, negative ones merely—what not to be and to do and to see. And I think I’ve taken them to admiration. Only, my dear, if you’ll let me say so, I didn’t understand that one of my negative duties was NOT to warn you when you carried your imprudence too far.”
“Oh, just the negatives—what not to be, do, and see. And I think I’ve come to appreciate them. But, my dear, if I may say so, I didn’t realize that one of my negative responsibilities was NOT to warn you when you pushed your recklessness too far.”
A chill of fear passed over Miss Bart: a sense of remembered treachery that was like the gleam of a knife in the dusk. But compassion, in a moment, got the better of her instinctive recoil. What was this outpouring of senseless bitterness but the tracked creature’s attempt to cloud the medium through which it was fleeing? It was on Lily’s lips to exclaim: “You poor soul, don’t double and turn—come straight back to me, and we’ll find a way out!” But the words died under the impenetrable insolence of Bertha’s smile. Lily sat silent, taking the brunt of it quietly, letting it spend itself on her to the last drop of its accumulated falseness; then, without a word, she rose and went down to her cabin.
A chill of fear went through Miss Bart: a feeling of past betrayal that was like the flash of a knife in the dark. But compassion quickly overcame her instinct to pull back. What was this outpouring of pointless bitterness but the desperate attempts of a hunted creature trying to obscure its escape route? It was on Lily's lips to cry out, "You poor thing, don’t dodge and weave—come straight back to me, and we’ll figure a way out!" But the words faded under the unyielding arrogance of Bertha’s smile. Lily sat silently, enduring it quietly, allowing it to exhaust itself on her to the last drop of its built-up deceit; then, without saying a word, she got up and went down to her cabin.
Chapter 3
Miss Bart’s telegram caught Lawrence Selden at the door of his hotel; and having read it, he turned back to wait for Dorset. The message necessarily left large gaps for conjecture; but all that he had recently heard and seen made these but too easy to fill in. On the whole he was surprised; for though he had perceived that the situation contained all the elements of an explosion, he had often enough, in the range of his personal experience, seen just such combinations subside into harmlessness. Still, Dorset’s spasmodic temper, and his wife’s reckless disregard of appearances, gave the situation a peculiar insecurity; and it was less from the sense of any special relation to the case than from a purely professional zeal, that Selden resolved to guide the pair to safety. Whether, in the present instance, safety for either lay in repairing so damaged a tie, it was no business of his to consider: he had only, on general principles, to think of averting a scandal, and his desire to avert it was increased by his fear of its involving Miss Bart. There was nothing specific in this apprehension; he merely wished to spare her the embarrassment of being ever so remotely connected with the public washing of the Dorset linen.
Miss Bart's telegram caught Lawrence Selden just as he was leaving his hotel. After reading it, he turned back to wait for Dorset. The message left a lot of room for speculation, but everything he had seen and heard recently made it easy to fill in the gaps. Overall, he was surprised; although he sensed that the situation was bound to blow up, he had often seen similar situations fizzle out without any problems. Still, Dorset’s unpredictable temper and his wife’s careless disregard for appearances made the situation feel particularly unstable. It was less about his personal connection to the issue and more about his professional instinct that led Selden to try to help the couple. Whether fixing such a damaged relationship would truly lead to safety was not for him to decide; he was focused on preventing a scandal, and his desire to do so was heightened by the fear of it involving Miss Bart. There was nothing specific that made him anxious; he simply wanted to spare her the embarrassment of being even slightly linked to the public fallout from the Dorset family drama.
How exhaustive and unpleasant such a process would be, he saw even more vividly after his two hours’ talk with poor Dorset. If anything came out at all, it would be such a vast unpacking of accumulated moral rags as left him, after his visitor had gone, with the feeling that he must fling open the windows and have his room swept out. But nothing should come out; and happily for his side of the case, the dirty rags, however pieced together, could not, without considerable difficulty, be turned into a homogeneous grievance. The torn edges did not always fit—there were missing bits, there were disparities of size and colour, all of which it was naturally Selden’s business to make the most of in putting them under his client’s eye. But to a man in Dorset’s mood the completest demonstration could not carry conviction, and Selden saw that for the moment all he could do was to soothe and temporize, to offer sympathy and to counsel prudence. He let Dorset depart charged to the brim with the sense that, till their next meeting, he must maintain a strictly noncommittal attitude; that, in short, his share in the game consisted for the present in looking on. Selden knew, however, that he could not long keep such violences in equilibrium; and he promised to meet Dorset, the next morning, at an hotel in Monte Carlo. Meanwhile he counted not a little on the reaction of weakness and self-distrust that, in such natures, follows on every unwonted expenditure of moral force; and his telegraphic reply to Miss Bart consisted simply in the injunction: “Assume that everything is as usual.”
How exhausting and unpleasant such a process would be, he realized even more clearly after his two-hour conversation with poor Dorset. If anything were to come out at all, it would be like unpacking a huge pile of moral clutter that left him, after his visitor had left, feeling like he needed to throw open the windows and clear out his room. But nothing should come out; and luckily for his side of the case, the messy details, no matter how pieced together, couldn't easily be molded into a coherent grievance. The torn edges didn’t always fit—there were missing pieces, and differences in size and color, all of which Selden had to highlight for his client. But for a man in Dorset's mood, even the clearest argument couldn't bring conviction, and Selden realized that for now, all he could do was soothe and buy time, offering support and advising caution. He let Dorset leave feeling completely aware that, until their next meeting, he needed to stay neutral; in short, his role for now was just to observe. Selden knew, however, that he couldn’t keep such tensions balanced for long; and he promised to meet Dorset the next morning at a hotel in Monte Carlo. Meanwhile, he was banking on the reaction of weakness and self-doubt that often follows an unexpected outpouring of moral energy in such individuals; his brief reply to Miss Bart simply instructed: “Assume that everything is as usual.”
On this assumption, in fact, the early part of the following day was lived through. Dorset, as if in obedience to Lily’s imperative bidding, had actually returned in time for a late dinner on the yacht. The repast had been the most difficult moment of the day. Dorset was sunk in one of the abysmal silences which so commonly followed on what his wife called his “attacks” that it was easy, before the servants, to refer it to this cause; but Bertha herself seemed, perversely enough, little disposed to make use of this obvious means of protection. She simply left the brunt of the situation on her husband’s hands, as if too absorbed in a grievance of her own to suspect that she might be the object of one herself. To Lily this attitude was the most ominous, because the most perplexing, element in the situation. As she tried to fan the weak flicker of talk, to build up, again and again, the crumbling structure of “appearances,” her own attention was perpetually distracted by the question: “What on earth can she be driving at?” There was something positively exasperating in Bertha’s attitude of isolated defiance. If only she would have given her friend a hint they might still have worked together successfully; but how could Lily be of use, while she was thus obstinately shut out from participation? To be of use was what she honestly wanted; and not for her own sake but for the Dorsets’. She had not thought of her own situation at all: she was simply engrossed in trying to put a little order in theirs. But the close of the short dreary evening left her with a sense of effort hopelessly wasted. She had not tried to see Dorset alone: she had positively shrunk from a renewal of his confidences. It was Bertha whose confidence she sought, and who should as eagerly have invited her own; and Bertha, as if in the infatuation of self-destruction, was actually pushing away her rescuing hand.
On this assumption, the early part of the next day passed. Dorset, as if following Lily’s strong insistence, had actually come back just in time for a late dinner on the yacht. The meal was the most challenging moment of the day. Dorset was lost in one of the deep silences that typically followed what his wife referred to as his “attacks,” making it easy to attribute it to that in front of the staff; but Bertha herself seemed oddly uninterested in using this obvious excuse. She simply let her husband take the burden of the situation, as if she were too caught up in her own issues to realize she might be the cause of his distress. To Lily, this attitude was the most troubling and confusing part of the situation. As she tried to keep the faint spark of conversation alive and rebuild the fragile structure of “appearances,” her thoughts were constantly pulled by the question: “What on earth is she up to?” There was something infuriating about Bertha’s defiant isolation. If only she would have given her friend a hint, they might have still managed to work together effectively; but how could Lily help when she was so stubbornly excluded? Helping was all she truly wanted; not for herself, but for the Dorsets. She hadn’t considered her own situation at all; she was just focused on trying to bring some order to theirs. But as the short, bleak evening ended, she felt like her efforts had been completely wasted. She hadn’t tried to speak with Dorset alone; she had actively avoided renewing his confidences. It was Bertha’s trust she wanted, and she should have been just as eager to share her own; yet Bertha, seemingly lost in her own self-destructive impulses, was actually pushing away the hand reaching out to save her.
Lily, going to bed early, had left the couple to themselves; and it seemed part of the general mystery in which she moved that more than an hour should elapse before she heard Bertha walk down the silent passage and regain her room. The morrow, rising on an apparent continuance of the same conditions, revealed nothing of what had occurred between the confronted pair. One fact alone outwardly proclaimed the change they were all conspiring to ignore; and that was the non-appearance of Ned Silverton. No one referred to it, and this tacit avoidance of the subject kept it in the immediate foreground of consciousness. But there was another change, perceptible only to Lily; and that was that Dorset now avoided her almost as pointedly as his wife. Perhaps he was repenting his rash outpourings of the previous day; perhaps only trying, in his clumsy way, to conform to Selden’s counsel to behave “as usual.” Such instructions no more make for easiness of attitude than the photographer’s behest to “look natural”; and in a creature as unconscious as poor Dorset of the appearance he habitually presented, the struggle to maintain a pose was sure to result in queer contortions.
Lily went to bed early, leaving the couple alone, and it felt like part of the mystery surrounding her that more than an hour passed before she heard Bertha walk down the quiet hallway and return to her room. The next day, which looked the same as before, revealed nothing about what had happened between the two of them. The only obvious sign of the change they were all trying to ignore was Ned Silverton's absence. No one mentioned it, and this silent avoidance kept it at the forefront of everyone’s minds. But there was another change, noticeable only to Lily; Dorset was now avoiding her almost as much as his wife was. Maybe he was regretting his impulsive comments from the day before; maybe he was just trying, in his awkward way, to follow Selden’s advice to act “as usual.” Such advice doesn’t make it any easier to be relaxed than a photographer's request to “look natural,” and for someone as unaware as poor Dorset of how he usually came across, trying to maintain a certain image was bound to create some awkward situations.
It resulted, at any rate, in throwing Lily strangely on her own resources. She had learned, on leaving her room, that Mrs. Dorset was still invisible, and that Dorset had left the yacht early; and feeling too restless to remain alone, she too had herself ferried ashore. Straying toward the Casino, she attached herself to a group of acquaintances from Nice, with whom she lunched, and in whose company she was returning to the rooms when she encountered Selden crossing the square. She could not, at the moment, separate herself definitely from her party, who had hospitably assumed that she would remain with them till they took their departure; but she found time for a momentary pause of enquiry, to which he promptly returned: “I’ve seen him again—he’s just left me.”
It ended up, anyway, making Lily rely oddly on herself. She had found out when she left her room that Mrs. Dorset was still missing and that Dorset had left the yacht early. Feeling too restless to stay alone, she had herself taken ashore. Wandering toward the Casino, she joined a group of acquaintances from Nice, with whom she had lunch, and was on her way back to the rooms with them when she saw Selden crossing the square. At that moment, she couldn’t completely detach herself from her group, who had kindly assumed she would stay with them until they left. But she managed to pause just long enough to ask him, to which he quickly replied, “I’ve seen him again—he just left me.”
She waited before him anxiously. “Well? what has happened? What WILL happen?”
She waited in front of him nervously. “So? What’s going on? What’s going to happen?”
“Nothing as yet—and nothing in the future, I think.”
“Nothing so far—and I don't think there will be anything in the future either.”
“It’s over, then? It’s settled? You’re sure?”
“It’s over, then? It’s decided? You’re sure?”
He smiled. “Give me time. I’m not sure—but I’m a good deal surer.” And with that she had to content herself, and hasten on to the expectant group on the steps.
He smiled. “Give me some time. I’m not certain—but I’m a lot more sure.” And with that, she had to be satisfied and hurry on to the waiting group on the steps.
Selden had in fact given her the utmost measure of his sureness, had even stretched it a shade to meet the anxiety in her eyes. And now, as he turned away, strolling down the hill toward the station, that anxiety remained with him as the visible justification of his own. It was not, indeed, anything specific that he feared: there had been a literal truth in his declaration that he did not think anything would happen. What troubled him was that, though Dorset’s attitude had perceptibly changed, the change was not clearly to be accounted for. It had certainly not been produced by Selden’s arguments, or by the action of his own soberer reason. Five minutes’ talk sufficed to show that some alien influence had been at work, and that it had not so much subdued his resentment as weakened his will, so that he moved under it in a state of apathy, like a dangerous lunatic who has been drugged. Temporarily, no doubt, however exerted, it worked for the general safety: the question was how long it would last, and by what kind of reaction it was likely to be followed. On these points Selden could gain no light; for he saw that one effect of the transformation had been to shut him off from free communion with Dorset. The latter, indeed, was still moved by the irresistible desire to discuss his wrong; but, though he revolved about it with the same forlorn tenacity, Selden was aware that something always restrained him from full expression. His state was one to produce first weariness and then impatience in his hearer; and when their talk was over, Selden began to feel that he had done his utmost, and might justifiably wash his hands of the sequel.
Selden had really given her all of his confidence, even stretching it a bit to ease the worry in her eyes. And now, as he walked away, heading down the hill toward the station, that worry stayed with him as proof of his own. It wasn’t that he was afraid of anything specific; he honestly believed that nothing would happen. What bothered him was that, even though Dorset’s attitude had noticeably changed, there was no clear reason for it. It definitely hadn’t come from Selden’s arguments or his own more rational thoughts. A five-minute conversation made it clear that some outside influence was at play, and it hadn’t so much calmed Dorset’s anger as weakened his resolve, making him move through it in a numb state, like a dangerous lunatic who’s been sedated. Temporarily, it seemed to work for overall safety, but the question was how long it would last and what kind of reaction would follow. Selden couldn’t figure this out; he realized that one effect of the change had been to cut him off from a genuine conversation with Dorset. Dorset was still driven by an overwhelming need to talk about his wrongs, but even though he obsessively circled around the topic, Selden sensed that something always held him back from fully expressing himself. This situation was bound to create first weariness and then frustration for Selden; when their conversation ended, he felt that he had done everything he could and could justifiably distance himself from what would come next.
It was in this mind that he had been making his way back to the station when Miss Bart crossed his path; but though, after his brief word with her, he kept mechanically on his course, he was conscious of a gradual change in his purpose. The change had been produced by the look in her eyes; and in his eagerness to define the nature of that look, he dropped into a seat in the gardens, and sat brooding upon the question. It was natural enough, in all conscience, that she should appear anxious: a young woman placed, in the close intimacy of a yachting-cruise, between a couple on the verge of disaster, could hardly, aside from her concern for her friends, be insensible to the awkwardness of her own position. The worst of it was that, in interpreting Miss Bart’s state of mind, so many alternative readings were possible; and one of these, in Selden’s troubled mind, took the ugly form suggested by Mrs. Fisher. If the girl was afraid, was she afraid for herself or for her friends? And to what degree was her dread of a catastrophe intensified by the sense of being fatally involved in it? The burden of offence lying manifestly with Mrs. Dorset, this conjecture seemed on the face of it gratuitously unkind; but Selden knew that in the most one-sided matrimonial quarrel there are generally counter-charges to be brought, and that they are brought with the greater audacity where the original grievance is so emphatic. Mrs. Fisher had not hesitated to suggest the likelihood of Dorset’s marrying Miss Bart if “anything happened”; and though Mrs. Fisher’s conclusions were notoriously rash, she was shrewd enough in reading the signs from which they were drawn. Dorset had apparently shown marked interest in the girl, and this interest might be used to cruel advantage in his wife’s struggle for rehabilitation. Selden knew that Bertha would fight to the last round of powder: the rashness of her conduct was illogically combined with a cold determination to escape its consequences. She could be as unscrupulous in fighting for herself as she was reckless in courting danger, and whatever came to her hand at such moments was likely to be used as a defensive missile. He did not, as yet, see clearly just what course she was likely to take, but his perplexity increased his apprehension, and with it the sense that, before leaving, he must speak again with Miss Bart. Whatever her share in the situation—and he had always honestly tried to resist judging her by her surroundings—however free she might be from any personal connection with it, she would be better out of the way of a possible crash; and since she had appealed to him for help, it was clearly his business to tell her so.
He had been on his way back to the station when Miss Bart crossed his path; but after their brief conversation, he continued on autopilot, aware of a slow shift in his intentions. This change was triggered by the look in her eyes, and eager to understand that look, he settled onto a bench in the gardens and started to ponder the matter. It was completely understandable that she looked anxious: a young woman caught in the close quarters of a yachting trip between a couple on the brink of disaster couldn’t help but feel the tension, both for her friends and for her own uncomfortable position. The problem was that there were so many ways to interpret Miss Bart’s feelings; one interpretation, given shape by Mrs. Fisher, took a darker tone in Selden’s troubled thoughts. If the girl was scared, was it for herself or her friends? And how much was her fear of disaster heightened by the feeling of being hopelessly pulled into it? While it seemed unkind to think this way given that Mrs. Dorset was visibly at fault, Selden understood that even in the most lopsided marital fights, there are often counters to be made, and they are usually made with greater boldness when the initial grievance is so clear-cut. Mrs. Fisher hadn’t hesitated to imply that if “anything happened,” Dorset might marry Miss Bart; and although Mrs. Fisher’s conclusions were often reckless, she was clever enough to pick up on the signs. Dorset had apparently shown significant interest in the girl, and that interest could be used cruelly in his wife’s fight for redemption. Selden knew that Bertha would fight to the bitter end: her reckless behavior was inexplicably mixed with a cold determination to escape the fallout. She could be as ruthless in defending herself as she was thoughtless in courting danger, and whatever she grabbed in those moments would likely be used as a weapon of defense. He didn’t yet clearly see what path she might take, but his confusion deepened his worry, along with the feeling that he needed to speak with Miss Bart again before he left. Regardless of her role in the situation—and he had always tried to avoid judging her based on her context—no matter how free she might be from any personal ties to it, she would be better off out of the way of a potential disaster; and since she had turned to him for help, it was clearly his responsibility to let her know.
This decision at last brought him to his feet, and carried him back to the gambling rooms, within whose doors he had seen her disappearing; but a prolonged exploration of the crowd failed to put him on her traces. He saw instead, to his surprise, Ned Silverton loitering somewhat ostentatiously about the tables; and the discovery that this actor in the drama was not only hovering in the wings, but actually inviting the exposure of the footlights, though it might have seemed to imply that all peril was over, served rather to deepen Selden’s sense of foreboding. Charged with this impression he returned to the square, hoping to see Miss Bart move across it, as every one in Monte Carlo seemed inevitably to do at least a dozen times a day; but here again he waited vainly for a glimpse of her, and the conclusion was slowly forced on him that she had gone back to the Sabrina. It would be difficult to follow her there, and still more difficult, should he do so, to contrive the opportunity for a private word; and he had almost decided on the unsatisfactory alternative of writing, when the ceaseless diorama of the square suddenly unrolled before him the figures of Lord Hubert and Mrs. Bry.
This decision finally got him up and took him back to the gambling rooms where he had seen her disappear, but a lengthy search through the crowd didn’t help him find her. Instead, to his surprise, he spotted Ned Silverton hanging around the tables a bit too obviously; and realizing that this player in the drama was not only around but was actually drawing attention to himself, which might have suggested that all danger was passed, only deepened Selden’s feeling of unease. With this impression weighing on him, he went back to the square, hoping to see Miss Bart cross it, like everyone in Monte Carlo seemed to do at least a dozen times a day; but once again, he waited in vain for a sighting of her, and it slowly dawned on him that she must have gone back to the Sabrina. It would be hard to follow her there, and even harder to find a chance for a private conversation; he was almost ready to settle for the unsatisfactory option of writing to her when the busy scene of the square suddenly revealed Lord Hubert and Mrs. Bry.
Hailing them at once with his question, he learned from Lord Hubert that Miss Bart had just returned to the Sabrina in Dorset’s company; an announcement so evidently disconcerting to him that Mrs. Bry, after a glance from her companion, which seemed to act like the pressure on a spring, brought forth the prompt proposal that he should come and meet his friends at dinner that evening—“At Becassin’s—a little dinner to the Duchess,” she flashed out before Lord Hubert had time to remove the pressure.
Hailing them right away with his question, he found out from Lord Hubert that Miss Bart had just come back to the Sabrina with Dorset; the news clearly rattled him so much that Mrs. Bry, after a quick look at her companion, which seemed to trigger something, immediately suggested that he should join his friends for dinner that evening—“At Becassin’s—a small dinner for the Duchess,” she quickly stated before Lord Hubert could ease the pressure.
Selden’s sense of the privilege of being included in such company brought him early in the evening to the door of the restaurant, where he paused to scan the ranks of diners approaching down the brightly lit terrace. There, while the Brys hovered within over the last agitating alternatives of the MENU, he kept watch for the guests from the Sabrina, who at length rose on the horizon in company with the Duchess, Lord and Lady Skiddaw and the Stepneys. From this group it was easy for him to detach Miss Bart on the pretext of a moment’s glance into one of the brilliant shops along the terrace, and to say to her, while they lingered together in the white dazzle of a jeweller’s window: “I stopped over to see you—to beg of you to leave the yacht.”
Selden’s feeling of being lucky to be part of such a group brought him to the restaurant door early in the evening, where he paused to watch the diners coming down the brightly lit terrace. While the Brys debated the last exciting choices on the MENU inside, he kept an eye out for the guests from the Sabrina, who finally appeared on the horizon along with the Duchess, Lord and Lady Skiddaw, and the Stepneys. From this group, he easily pulled Miss Bart away, suggesting they take a quick look at one of the flashy shops along the terrace, and he said to her, as they lingered in the bright light of a jeweler's window: “I came by to see you—to ask you to leave the yacht.”
The eyes she turned on him showed a quick gleam of her former fear. “To leave—? What do you mean? What has happened?”
The look she gave him revealed a brief flash of her past fear. “Leave—? What do you mean? What happened?”
“Nothing. But if anything should, why be in the way of it?”
“Nothing. But if something should happen, why get in the way of it?”
The glare from the jeweller’s window, deepening the pallor of her face, gave to its delicate lines the sharpness of a tragic mask. “Nothing will, I am sure; but while there’s even a doubt left, how can you think I would leave Bertha?”
The glare from the jeweler's window, making her face appear even paler, accentuated its delicate features like a tragic mask. “Nothing will, I’m sure; but as long as there’s even a doubt, how can you think I would leave Bertha?”
The words rang out on a note of contempt—was it possibly of contempt for himself? Well, he was willing to risk its renewal to the extent of insisting, with an undeniable throb of added interest: “You have yourself to think of, you know—” to which, with a strange fall of sadness in her voice, she answered, meeting his eyes: “If you knew how little difference that makes!”
The words carried a tone of disdain—was it maybe self-disdain? Anyway, he was ready to take the chance of bringing it up again, adding a pulse of genuine interest: “You have to think about yourself, you know—” to which she replied, her voice tinged with a peculiar sadness as she met his gaze: “If you only knew how little that matters!”
“Oh, well, nothing WILL happen,” he said, more for his own reassurance than for hers; and “Nothing, nothing, of course!” she valiantly assented, as they turned to overtake their companions.
“Oh, well, nothing will happen,” he said, more to reassure himself than her; and “Nothing, nothing, for sure!” she bravely agreed, as they turned to catch up with their friends.
In the thronged restaurant, taking their places about Mrs. Bry’s illuminated board, their confidence seemed to gain support from the familiarity of their surroundings. Here were Dorset and his wife once more presenting their customary faces to the world, she engrossed in establishing her relation with an intensely new gown, he shrinking with dyspeptic dread from the multiplied solicitations of the MENU. The mere fact that they thus showed themselves together, with the utmost openness the place afforded, seemed to declare beyond a doubt that their differences were composed. How this end had been attained was still matter for wonder, but it was clear that for the moment Miss Bart rested confidently in the result; and Selden tried to achieve the same view by telling himself that her opportunities for observation had been ampler than his own.
In the crowded restaurant, as they took their seats around Mrs. Bry’s bright table, their confidence seemed to grow from the familiarity of the place. Here were Dorset and his wife once again showing their usual selves to the world; she was focused on showcasing her brand-new dress, while he was nervously shrinking away from the long list of options on the MENU. The simple fact that they were together, openly in this setting, seemed to confirm that they had resolved their differences. How they reached this point was still a mystery, but it was clear that, for now, Miss Bart felt assured about the outcome; meanwhile, Selden tried to convince himself that she had better chances to observe things than he did.
Meanwhile, as the dinner advanced through a labyrinth of courses, in which it became clear that Mrs. Bry had occasionally broken away from Lord Hubert’s restraining hand, Selden’s general watchfulness began to lose itself in a particular study of Miss Bart. It was one of the days when she was so handsome that to be handsome was enough, and all the rest—her grace, her quickness, her social felicities—seemed the overflow of a bounteous nature. But what especially struck him was the way in which she detached herself, by a hundred undefinable shades, from the persons who most abounded in her own style. It was in just such company, the fine flower and complete expression of the state she aspired to, that the differences came out with special poignancy, her grace cheapening the other women’s smartness as her finely-discriminated silences made their chatter dull. The strain of the last hours had restored to her face the deeper eloquence which Selden had lately missed in it, and the bravery of her words to him still fluttered in her voice and eyes. Yes, she was matchless—it was the one word for her; and he could give his admiration the freer play because so little personal feeling remained in it. His real detachment from her had taken place, not at the lurid moment of disenchantment, but now, in the sober after-light of discrimination, where he saw her definitely divided from him by the crudeness of a choice which seemed to deny the very differences he felt in her. It was before him again in its completeness—the choice in which she was content to rest: in the stupid costliness of the food and the showy dulness of the talk, in the freedom of speech which never arrived at wit and the freedom of act which never made for romance. The strident setting of the restaurant, in which their table seemed set apart in a special glare of publicity, and the presence at it of little Dabham of the “Riviera Notes,” emphasized the ideals of a world where conspicuousness passed for distinction, and the society column had become the roll of fame.
Meanwhile, as dinner progressed through a maze of courses, during which it became clear that Mrs. Bry had occasionally slipped away from Lord Hubert’s controlling influence, Selden’s general attentiveness shifted to a focused observation of Miss Bart. It was one of those days when she looked so beautiful that simply being beautiful was enough, and everything else—her elegance, her quick wit, her social skills—seemed like a natural overflow from her abundant nature. But what struck him most was the way she set herself apart, in a hundred subtle ways, from the people who shared her own style. It was in just such company, the refined essence and complete representation of the status she aimed for, that the differences became especially vivid; her grace made the other women’s style seem cheap, just as her finely-tuned silences rendered their chatter dull. The stress of the previous hours had returned a deeper eloquence to her face that Selden had recently missed, and the boldness of her words to him still lingered in her voice and eyes. Yes, she was unmatched—it was the perfect word for her; and he could allow his admiration to flow more freely because it held so little personal emotion. His real separation from her had occurred, not at the harsh moment of disillusionment, but now, in the clear light of reflection, where he saw her distinctly set apart from him by the bluntness of a choice that seemed to contradict the very differences he perceived in her. It was laid out before him again in its entirety—the choice she was willing to accept: in the ridiculous expense of the food and the flashy dullness of the conversation, in the freedom of speech that never reached cleverness and the freedom of action that never led to romance. The loud atmosphere of the restaurant, where their table felt highlighted in a glaring spotlight, and the presence of little Dabham from the “Riviera Notes” underscored the ideals of a world where being noticeable was mistaken for being distinguished, and the society column had become the list of fame.
It was as the immortalizer of such occasions that little Dabham, wedged in modest watchfulness between two brilliant neighbours, suddenly became the centre of Selden’s scrutiny. How much did he know of what was going on, and how much, for his purpose, was still worth finding out? His little eyes were like tentacles thrown out to catch the floating intimations with which, to Selden, the air at moments seemed thick; then again it cleared to its normal emptiness, and he could see nothing in it for the journalist but leisure to note the elegance of the ladies’ gowns. Mrs. Dorset’s, in particular, challenged all the wealth of Mr. Dabham’s vocabulary: it had surprises and subtleties worthy of what he would have called “the literary style.” At first, as Selden had noticed, it had been almost too preoccupying to its wearer; but now she was in full command of it, and was even producing her effects with unwonted freedom. Was she not, indeed, too free, too fluent, for perfect naturalness? And was not Dorset, to whom his glance had passed by a natural transition, too jerkily wavering between the same extremes? Dorset indeed was always jerky; but it seemed to Selden that tonight each vibration swung him farther from his centre.
It was as the immortalizer of moments that little Dabham, squeezed in quietly between two dazzling neighbors, suddenly became the focus of Selden’s attention. How much did he really understand about what was happening, and how much, for his purpose, was still worth discovering? His little eyes were like tentacles reaching out to catch the hints in the air that, at times, seemed thick to Selden; then it would clear to its usual emptiness, and he could see nothing in it for the journalist except the opportunity to appreciate the elegance of the ladies’ dresses. Mrs. Dorset’s dress, in particular, challenged all of Mr. Dabham’s vocabulary: it had surprises and subtleties that he would have called “the literary style.” At first, as Selden had noticed, it had been almost too consuming for its wearer; but now she was completely in control of it and was even achieving her effects with unusual ease. Was she not, in fact, too free, too smooth, for perfect naturalness? And was not Dorset, to whom his gaze shifted by a natural flow, too jerkily fluctuating between the same extremes? Dorset indeed had always been jerky; but it seemed to Selden that tonight each movement took him further from his center.
The dinner, meanwhile, was moving to its triumphant close, to the evident satisfaction of Mrs. Bry, who, throned in apoplectic majesty between Lord Skiddaw and Lord Hubert, seemed in spirit to be calling on Mrs. Fisher to witness her achievement. Short of Mrs. Fisher her audience might have been called complete; for the restaurant was crowded with persons mainly gathered there for the purpose of spectatorship, and accurately posted as to the names and faces of the celebrities they had come to see. Mrs. Bry, conscious that all her feminine guests came under that heading, and that each one looked her part to admiration, shone on Lily with all the pent-up gratitude that Mrs. Fisher had failed to deserve. Selden, catching the glance, wondered what part Miss Bart had played in organizing the entertainment. She did, at least, a great deal to adorn it; and as he watched the bright security with which she bore herself, he smiled to think that he should have fancied her in need of help. Never had she appeared more serenely mistress of the situation than when, at the moment of dispersal, detaching herself a little from the group about the table, she turned with a smile and a graceful slant of the shoulders to receive her cloak from Dorset.
The dinner was coming to a successful end, much to the delight of Mrs. Bry, who, seated grandly between Lord Skiddaw and Lord Hubert, seemed to be mentally inviting Mrs. Fisher to acknowledge her triumph. Other than Mrs. Fisher, her audience could be considered complete; the restaurant was packed with people mostly there to watch, all of whom knew the names and faces of the celebrities they had come to see. Mrs. Bry, aware that all her female guests fit this description and that each looked their best, beamed at Lily with all the gratitude that Mrs. Fisher hadn’t earned. Selden, catching her eye, wondered what role Miss Bart had played in organizing the event. She certainly did a lot to enhance it; and as he observed the bright confidence with which she carried herself, he smiled at how he would have thought she needed assistance. Never had she seemed more in control than when, just before everyone dispersed, she stepped a bit away from the group at the table and turned with a smile and a graceful angle of her shoulders to receive her coat from Dorset.
The dinner had been protracted over Mr. Bry’s exceptional cigars and a bewildering array of liqueurs, and many of the other tables were empty; but a sufficient number of diners still lingered to give relief to the leave-taking of Mrs. Bry’s distinguished guests. This ceremony was drawn out and complicated by the fact that it involved, on the part of the Duchess and Lady Skiddaw, definite farewells, and pledges of speedy reunion in Paris, where they were to pause and replenish their wardrobes on the way to England. The quality of Mrs. Bry’s hospitality, and of the tips her husband had presumably imparted, lent to the manner of the English ladies a general effusiveness which shed the rosiest light over their hostess’s future. In its glow Mrs. Dorset and the Stepneys were also visibly included, and the whole scene had touches of intimacy worth their weight in gold to the watchful pen of Mr. Dabham.
The dinner had dragged on thanks to Mr. Bry’s amazing cigars and a confusing variety of liqueurs, and many of the other tables were empty; but there were still enough diners hanging around to soften the goodbyes of Mrs. Bry’s prominent guests. This farewell was prolonged and complicated because it required genuine goodbyes from the Duchess and Lady Skiddaw, along with promises to meet again soon in Paris, where they planned to stop and update their wardrobes before heading to England. The quality of Mrs. Bry’s hospitality, and the tips her husband had likely given, contributed to the overall warmth in the English ladies’ demeanor, making everything seem bright for their hostess's future. Under that warmth, Mrs. Dorset and the Stepneys were also clearly included, and the whole scene had an air of intimacy that was invaluable for the attentive pen of Mr. Dabham.
A glance at her watch caused the Duchess to exclaim to her sister that they had just time to dash for their train, and the flurry of this departure over, the Stepneys, who had their motor at the door, offered to convey the Dorsets and Miss Bart to the quay. The offer was accepted, and Mrs. Dorset moved away with her husband in attendance. Miss Bart had lingered for a last word with Lord Hubert, and Stepney, on whom Mr. Bry was pressing a final, and still more expensive, cigar, called out: “Come on, Lily, if you’re going back to the yacht.”
A quick look at her watch made the Duchess tell her sister that they only had time to rush for their train. Once the chaos of their departure settled, the Stepneys, who had their car ready, offered to take the Dorsets and Miss Bart to the quay. They accepted the offer, and Mrs. Dorset moved away with her husband beside her. Miss Bart stayed behind for a final word with Lord Hubert, and Stepney, where Mr. Bry was insisting on one last, even pricier cigar, called out: “Come on, Lily, if you’re heading back to the yacht.”
Lily turned to obey; but as she did so, Mrs. Dorset, who had paused on her way out, moved a few steps back toward the table.
Lily turned to comply; but as she did, Mrs. Dorset, who had stopped on her way out, took a few steps back toward the table.
“Miss Bart is not going back to the yacht,” she said in a voice of singular distinctness.
“Miss Bart isn't going back to the yacht,” she said clearly.
A startled look ran from eye to eye; Mrs. Bry crimsoned to the verge of congestion, Mrs. Stepney slipped nervously behind her husband, and Selden, in the general turmoil of his sensations, was mainly conscious of a longing to grip Dabham by the collar and fling him out into the street.
A shocked glance passed between them; Mrs. Bry turned bright red, almost to the point of embarrassment, Mrs. Stepney nervously stepped behind her husband, and Selden, overwhelmed by his feelings, mainly felt the urge to grab Dabham by the collar and toss him out into the street.
Dorset, meanwhile, had stepped back to his wife’s side. His face was white, and he looked about him with cowed angry eyes. “Bertha!—Miss Bart . . . this is some misunderstanding . . . some mistake....”
Dorset had moved back to his wife’s side. His face was pale, and he looked around with angry, defeated eyes. “Bertha!—Miss Bart... this is some kind of misunderstanding... some mistake...”
“Miss Bart remains here,” his wife rejoined incisively. “And, I think, George, we had better not detain Mrs. Stepney any longer.”
“Miss Bart is still here,” his wife replied sharply. “And, I think, George, we should let Mrs. Stepney go now.”
Miss Bart, during this brief exchange of words, remained in admirable erectness, slightly isolated from the embarrassed group about her. She had paled a little under the shock of the insult, but the discomposure of the surrounding faces was not reflected in her own. The faint disdain of her smile seemed to lift her high above her antagonist’s reach, and it was not till she had given Mrs. Dorset the full measure of the distance between them that she turned and extended her hand to her hostess.
Miss Bart, during this short conversation, stood tall and slightly apart from the awkward group around her. She had paled a bit from the shock of the insult, but the discomfort on the faces around her didn’t show on her own. The subtle disdain in her smile seemed to elevate her beyond her opponent's grasp, and it wasn't until she had fully measured the distance between herself and Mrs. Dorset that she turned and extended her hand to her hostess.
“I am joining the Duchess tomorrow,” she explained, “and it seemed easier for me to remain on shore for the night.”
“I’m meeting up with the Duchess tomorrow,” she explained, “and it felt easier for me to stay on land for the night.”
She held firmly to Mrs. Bry’s wavering eye while she gave this explanation, but when it was over Selden saw her send a tentative glance from one to another of the women’s faces. She read their incredulity in their averted looks, and in the mute wretchedness of the men behind them, and for a miserable half-second he thought she quivered on the brink of failure. Then, turning to him with an easy gesture, and the pale bravery of her recovered smile—“Dear Mr. Selden,” she said, “you promised to see me to my cab.”
She focused intently on Mrs. Bry’s uncertain gaze while giving her explanation, but once it was done, Selden noticed her cast a hesitant look from one woman's face to another. She perceived their disbelief in their turned-away expressions, and in the silent despair of the men behind them, and for a brief, miserable moment, he thought she was about to falter. Then, turning to him with a relaxed motion and the faint courage of her regained smile—“Dear Mr. Selden,” she said, “you promised to take me to my cab.”
Outside, the sky was gusty and overcast, and as Lily and Selden moved toward the deserted gardens below the restaurant, spurts of warm rain blew fitfully against their faces. The fiction of the cab had been tacitly abandoned; they walked on in silence, her hand on his arm, till the deeper shade of the gardens received them, and pausing beside a bench, he said: “Sit down a moment.”
Outside, the sky was windy and cloudy, and as Lily and Selden walked towards the empty gardens below the restaurant, bursts of warm rain occasionally hit their faces. The idea of taking a cab had quietly been dropped; they continued walking in silence, her hand resting on his arm, until they reached the deeper shade of the gardens. Stopping by a bench, he said, “Let’s sit down for a minute.”
She dropped to the seat without answering, but the electric lamp at the bend of the path shed a gleam on the struggling misery of her face. Selden sat down beside her, waiting for her to speak, fearful lest any word he chose should touch too roughly on her wound, and kept also from free utterance by the wretched doubt which had slowly renewed itself within him. What had brought her to this pass? What weakness had placed her so abominably at her enemy’s mercy? And why should Bertha Dorset have turned into an enemy at the very moment when she so obviously needed the support of her sex? Even while his nerves raged at the subjection of husbands to their wives, and at the cruelty of women to their kind, reason obstinately harped on the proverbial relation between smoke and fire. The memory of Mrs. Fisher’s hints, and the corroboration of his own impressions, while they deepened his pity also increased his constraint, since, whichever way he sought a free outlet for sympathy, it was blocked by the fear of committing a blunder.
She dropped into the seat without saying anything, but the electric lamp at the bend of the path highlighted the struggling misery on her face. Selden sat down next to her, waiting for her to speak, anxious that anything he said might touch too roughly on her pain, and also held back by the miserable doubt that had slowly resurfaced within him. What had brought her to this point? What weakness had made her so horrifically vulnerable to her enemy? And why had Bertha Dorset turned into an enemy just when she so obviously needed the support of other women? Even while he was irritated by the power dynamics of husbands and wives and the cruelty of women toward each other, logic stubbornly reminded him of the well-known connection between smoke and fire. The memory of Mrs. Fisher’s hints and the validation of his own impressions deepened his pity but also heightened his hesitation, as every way he tried to express sympathy was blocked by the fear of making a mistake.
Suddenly it struck him that his silence must seem almost as accusatory as that of the men he had despised for turning from her; but before he could find the fitting word she had cut him short with a question.
Suddenly, it hit him that his silence must come across as almost as accusing as that of the men he had hated for abandoning her; but before he could find the right words, she interrupted him with a question.
“Do you know of a quiet hotel? I can send for my maid in the morning.”
“Do you know of a quiet hotel? I can have my maid come in the morning.”
“An hotel—HERE—that you can go to alone? It’s not possible.”
“A hotel—HERE—that you can go to by yourself? That can't be true.”
She met this with a pale gleam of her old playfulness. “What IS, then? It’s too wet to sleep in the gardens.”
She responded with a faint hint of her old playfulness. “What is it, then? It’s too wet to sleep in the gardens.”
“But there must be some one——”
“But there has to be someone——”
“Some one to whom I can go? Of course—any number—but at THIS hour? You see my change of plan was rather sudden——”
“Is there someone I can go to? Sure—plenty of people—but at THIS hour? You see, my change of plans came up pretty suddenly——”
“Good God—if you’d listened to me!” he cried, venting his helplessness in a burst of anger.
“Good God—if you had just listened to me!” he shouted, expressing his frustration in a fit of anger.
She still held him off with the gentle mockery of her smile. “But haven’t I?” she rejoined. “You advised me to leave the yacht, and I’m leaving it.”
She still held him back with the soft teasing of her smile. “But haven’t I?” she replied. “You told me to leave the yacht, and I’m doing it.”
He saw then, with a pang of self-reproach, that she meant neither to explain nor to defend herself; that by his miserable silence he had forfeited all chance of helping her, and that the decisive hour was past.
He realized then, with a wave of guilt, that she intended neither to explain nor defend herself; that by his pathetic silence he had lost all opportunity to help her, and that the crucial moment had passed.
She had risen, and stood before him in a kind of clouded majesty, like some deposed princess moving tranquilly to exile.
She had gotten up and stood in front of him with a sort of misty grandeur, like a deposed princess calmly heading into exile.
“Lily!” he exclaimed, with a note of despairing appeal; but—“Oh, not now,” she gently admonished him; and then, in all the sweetness of her recovered composure: “Since I must find shelter somewhere, and since you’re so kindly here to help me——”
“Lily!” he exclaimed, desperately pleading; but—“Oh, not now,” she gently scolded him; and then, in the full sweetness of her regained calm: “Since I need to find somewhere to stay, and since you’re so kind to be here to help me——”
He gathered himself up at the challenge. “You will do as I tell you? There’s but one thing, then; you must go straight to your cousins, the Stepneys.”
He composed himself for the challenge. “Will you do what I say? There’s only one thing then; you need to go directly to your cousins, the Stepneys.”
“Oh—” broke from her with a movement of instinctive resistance; but he insisted: “Come—it’s late, and you must appear to have gone there directly.”
“Oh—” she exclaimed, instinctively resisting; but he urged, “Come on—it’s late, and you need to seem like you went there right away.”
He had drawn her hand into his arm, but she held him back with a last gesture of protest. “I can’t—I can’t—not that—you don’t know Gwen: you mustn’t ask me!”
He had pulled her hand into his arm, but she stopped him with one last gesture of protest. “I can’t—I can’t—not that—you don’t know Gwen: you can’t ask me!”
“I MUST ask you—you must obey me,” he persisted, though infected at heart by her own fear.
"I have to ask you—you have to listen to me," he insisted, though deep down he was affected by her own fear.
Her voice sank to a whisper: “And if she refuses?”—but, “Oh, trust me—trust me!” he could only insist in return; and yielding to his touch, she let him lead her back in silence to the edge of the square.
Her voice dropped to a whisper: “What if she says no?”—but, “Oh, trust me—trust me!” he could only repeat; and giving in to his touch, she allowed him to guide her back in silence to the edge of the square.
In the cab they continued to remain silent through the brief drive which carried them to the illuminated portals of the Stepneys’ hotel. Here he left her outside, in the darkness of the raised hood, while his name was sent up to Stepney, and he paced the showy hall, awaiting the latter’s descent. Ten minutes later the two men passed out together between the gold-laced custodians of the threshold; but in the vestibule Stepney drew up with a last flare of reluctance.
In the cab, they stayed quiet during the short drive to the brightly lit entrance of the Stepneys’ hotel. He got out and left her outside, in the shadow of the raised hood, while his name was announced to Stepney. He walked around the flashy lobby, waiting for Stepney to come down. Ten minutes later, the two men walked out together between the gold-trimmed attendants at the entrance; however, in the foyer, Stepney hesitated for a moment with a final hint of reluctance.
“It’s understood, then?” he stipulated nervously, with his hand on Selden’s arm. “She leaves tomorrow by the early train—and my wife’s asleep, and can’t be disturbed.”
“It’s clear, right?” he said nervously, with his hand on Selden’s arm. “She’s leaving tomorrow on the early train—and my wife is asleep and can’t be bothered.”
Chapter 4
The blinds of Mrs. Peniston’s drawing-room were drawn down against the oppressive June sun, and in the sultry twilight the faces of her assembled relatives took on a fitting shadow of bereavement. They were all there: Van Alstynes, Stepneys and Melsons—even a stray Peniston or two, indicating, by a greater latitude in dress and manner, the fact of remoter relationship and more settled hopes. The Peniston side was, in fact, secure in the knowledge that the bulk of Mr. Peniston’s property “went back”; while the direct connection hung suspended on the disposal of his widow’s private fortune and on the uncertainty of its extent. Jack Stepney, in his new character as the richest nephew, tacitly took the lead, emphasizing his importance by the deeper gloss of his mourning and the subdued authority of his manner; while his wife’s bored attitude and frivolous gown proclaimed the heiress’s disregard of the insignificant interests at stake. Old Ned Van Alstyne, seated next to her in a coat that made affliction dapper, twirled his white moustache to conceal the eager twitch of his lips; and Grace Stepney, red-nosed and smelling of crape, whispered emotionally to Mrs. Herbert Melson: “I couldn’t BEAR to see the Niagara anywhere else!”
The blinds in Mrs. Peniston’s living room were pulled down against the harsh June sun, and in the muggy twilight, the faces of her gathered relatives wore a fitting shadow of grief. They were all there: Van Alstynes, Stepneys, and Melsons—even a couple of distant Penistons, whose looser clothing and demeanor hinted at their more distant relation and bigger hopes. The Peniston side felt safe knowing that most of Mr. Peniston's property would "go back" to them; meanwhile, the direct line stood uncertain, dependent on how his widow would manage her private fortune and just how much it was. Jack Stepney, now in the role of the wealthiest nephew, quietly took charge, highlighting his status with the darker shade of his mourning attire and the calm authority in his demeanor; his wife’s bored expression and flashy dress showed the heiress’s indifference to the minor issues at hand. Old Ned Van Alstyne, sitting next to her in a coat that made his grief look sharp, twirled his white mustache to hide the eager twitch at his lips; and Grace Stepney, red-faced and reeking of black fabric, whispered earnestly to Mrs. Herbert Melson: “I couldn’t STAND to see the Niagara anywhere else!”
A rustle of weeds and quick turning of heads hailed the opening of the door, and Lily Bart appeared, tall and noble in her black dress, with Gerty Farish at her side. The women’s faces, as she paused interrogatively on the threshold, were a study in hesitation. One or two made faint motions of recognition, which might have been subdued either by the solemnity of the scene, or by the doubt as to how far the others meant to go; Mrs. Jack Stepney gave a careless nod, and Grace Stepney, with a sepulchral gesture, indicated a seat at her side. But Lily, ignoring the invitation, as well as Jack Stepney’s official attempt to direct her, moved across the room with her smooth free gait, and seated herself in a chair which seemed to have been purposely placed apart from the others.
A rustle of weeds and quick glances marked the opening of the door, and Lily Bart entered, tall and elegant in her black dress, with Gerty Farish by her side. The women’s faces, as she paused expectantly in the doorway, showed a mix of uncertainty. A couple of them made slight gestures of acknowledgment, which might have been dampened either by the seriousness of the moment or by uncertainty about how far the others were willing to go; Mrs. Jack Stepney gave a casual nod, and Grace Stepney, with a grave motion, pointed to a seat beside her. But Lily, disregarding the invitation and Jack Stepney’s formal attempt to guide her, walked across the room with her graceful stride and sat down in a chair that seemed intentionally placed away from the others.
It was the first time that she had faced her family since her return from Europe, two weeks earlier; but if she perceived any uncertainty in their welcome, it served only to add a tinge of irony to the usual composure of her bearing. The shock of dismay with which, on the dock, she had heard from Gerty Farish of Mrs. Peniston’s sudden death, had been mitigated, almost at once, by the irrepressible thought that now, at last, she would be able to pay her debts. She had looked forward with considerable uneasiness to her first encounter with her aunt. Mrs. Peniston had vehemently opposed her niece’s departure with the Dorsets, and had marked her continued disapproval by not writing during Lily’s absence. The certainty that she had heard of the rupture with the Dorsets made the prospect of the meeting more formidable; and how should Lily have repressed a quick sense of relief at the thought that, instead of undergoing the anticipated ordeal, she had only to enter gracefully on a long-assured inheritance? It had been, in the consecrated phrase, “always understood” that Mrs. Peniston was to provide handsomely for her niece; and in the latter’s mind the understanding had long since crystallized into fact.
It was the first time she had seen her family since returning from Europe two weeks ago; but if she sensed any uncertainty in their welcome, it only added a bit of irony to her usual calm demeanor. The shock of hearing from Gerty Farish about Mrs. Peniston’s sudden death had quickly turned into the unavoidable thought that now, finally, she would be able to pay her debts. She had been quite anxious about her first meeting with her aunt. Mrs. Peniston had strongly opposed her niece’s departure with the Dorsets and had shown her disapproval by not writing during Lily's absence. Knowing that her aunt had heard about the breakup with the Dorsets made the upcoming meeting even more daunting; how could Lily not feel a quick sense of relief at the thought that, instead of facing the expected ordeal, she only had to step gracefully into a long-assured inheritance? It had always been “understood” that Mrs. Peniston would take care of her niece, and in Lily's mind, that understanding had long since turned into reality.
“She gets everything, of course—I don’t see what we’re here for,” Mrs. Jack Stepney remarked with careless loudness to Ned Van Alstyne; and the latter’s deprecating murmur—“Julia was always a just woman”—might have been interpreted as signifying either acquiescence or doubt.
“She gets everything, obviously—I don’t understand why we’re here,” Mrs. Jack Stepney said loudly to Ned Van Alstyne; and his dismissive murmur—“Julia was always fair”—could be seen as either agreement or skepticism.
“Well, it’s only about four hundred thousand,” Mrs. Stepney rejoined with a yawn; and Grace Stepney, in the silence produced by the lawyer’s preliminary cough, was heard to sob out: “They won’t find a towel missing—I went over them with her the very day——”
“Well, it’s just about four hundred thousand,” Mrs. Stepney replied with a yawn; and Grace Stepney, in the silence created by the lawyer’s initial cough, was heard to sob, “They won’t find a towel missing—I went through them with her the very day——”
Lily, oppressed by the close atmosphere, and the stifling odour of fresh mourning, felt her attention straying as Mrs. Peniston’s lawyer, solemnly erect behind the Buhl table at the end of the room, began to rattle through the preamble of the will.
Lily, weighed down by the heavy atmosphere and the suffocating smell of fresh grief, found her mind wandering as Mrs. Peniston’s lawyer, standing stiffly behind the Buhl table at the end of the room, started to read the preamble of the will.
“It’s like being in church,” she reflected, wondering vaguely where Gwen Stepney had got such an awful hat. Then she noticed how stout Jack had grown—he would soon be almost as plethoric as Herbert Melson, who sat a few feet off, breathing puffily as he leaned his black-gloved hands on his stick.
“It’s like being in church,” she thought, vaguely wondering where Gwen Stepney got such a terrible hat. Then she noticed how heavy Jack had gotten—he would soon be almost as bulky as Herbert Melson, who sat a few feet away, breathing heavily as he leaned his black-gloved hands on his cane.
“I wonder why rich people always grow fat—I suppose it’s because there’s nothing to worry them. If I inherit, I shall have to be careful of my figure,” she mused, while the lawyer droned on through a labyrinth of legacies. The servants came first, then a few charitable institutions, then several remoter Melsons and Stepneys, who stirred consciously as their names rang out, and then subsided into a state of impassiveness befitting the solemnity of the occasion. Ned Van Alstyne, Jack Stepney, and a cousin or two followed, each coupled with the mention of a few thousands: Lily wondered that Grace Stepney was not among them. Then she heard her own name—“to my niece Lily Bart ten thousand dollars—” and after that the lawyer again lost himself in a coil of unintelligible periods, from which the concluding phrase flashed out with startling distinctness: “and the residue of my estate to my dear cousin and name-sake, Grace Julia Stepney.”
“I wonder why rich people always gain weight—I guess it’s because they have nothing to worry about. If I inherit, I’ll have to watch my figure,” she thought, while the lawyer droned on through a maze of inheritances. The servants came first, followed by a few charities, then some distant Melsons and Stepneys, who perked up when their names were called, only to return to a state of indifference that matched the seriousness of the situation. Ned Van Alstyne, Jack Stepney, and a couple of cousins followed, each mentioned alongside a few thousand dollars: Lily was surprised that Grace Stepney wasn’t among them. Then she heard her own name—“to my niece Lily Bart ten thousand dollars—” and after that, the lawyer again got lost in a web of confusing statements, from which the final phrase emerged with shocking clarity: “and the remainder of my estate to my dear cousin and namesake, Grace Julia Stepney.”
There was a subdued gasp of surprise, a rapid turning of heads, and a surging of sable figures toward the corner in which Miss Stepney wailed out her sense of unworthiness through the crumpled ball of a black-edged handkerchief.
There was a quiet gasp of surprise, a quick turning of heads, and a rush of dark figures toward the corner where Miss Stepney cried out her feelings of unworthiness into a wrinkled black-edged handkerchief.
Lily stood apart from the general movement, feeling herself for the first time utterly alone. No one looked at her, no one seemed aware of her presence; she was probing the very depths of insignificance. And under her sense of the collective indifference came the acuter pang of hopes deceived. Disinherited—she had been disinherited—and for Grace Stepney! She met Gerty’s lamentable eyes, fixed on her in a despairing effort at consolation, and the look brought her to herself. There was something to be done before she left the house: to be done with all the nobility she knew how to put into such gestures. She advanced to the group about Miss Stepney, and holding out her hand said simply: “Dear Grace, I am so glad.”
Lily stood apart from the crowd, feeling completely alone for the first time. No one looked at her, and no one seemed to notice she was there; she was exploring the depths of feeling insignificant. Along with her sense of the overall indifference came a sharper pain of broken hopes. Disowned—she had been disowned—and for Grace Stepney! She caught Gerty’s sorrowful eyes, which were fixed on her in a desperate attempt to offer comfort, and that look brought her back to reality. There was something she needed to do before she left the house: something to tackle all the nobility she knew how to express through such gestures. She moved toward the group around Miss Stepney, and reaching out her hand, said simply: “Dear Grace, I am so glad.”
The other ladies had fallen back at her approach, and a space created itself about her. It widened as she turned to go, and no one advanced to fill it up. She paused a moment, glancing about her, calmly taking the measure of her situation. She heard some one ask a question about the date of the will; she caught a fragment of the lawyer’s answer—something about a sudden summons, and an “earlier instrument.” Then the tide of dispersal began to drift past her; Mrs. Jack Stepney and Mrs. Herbert Melson stood on the doorstep awaiting their motor; a sympathizing group escorted Grace Stepney to the cab it was felt to be fitting she should take, though she lived but a street or two away; and Miss Bart and Gerty found themselves almost alone in the purple drawing-room, which more than ever, in its stuffy dimness, resembled a well-kept family vault, in which the last corpse had just been decently deposited.
The other women stepped back as she approached, creating a space around her. It grew wider as she turned to leave, and no one moved to fill it. She paused for a moment, looking around and calmly assessing her situation. She heard someone ask about the date of the will; she caught a bit of the lawyer’s reply—something about a sudden call and an “earlier document.” Then the crowd started to disperse around her; Mrs. Jack Stepney and Mrs. Herbert Melson were waiting on the doorstep for their car; a concerned group accompanied Grace Stepney to the cab deemed appropriate for her, even though she lived just a block or two away; and Miss Bart and Gerty found themselves almost alone in the purple drawing room, which, more than ever in its stuffy dimness, resembled a well-maintained family tomb where the last body had just been respectfully laid to rest.
In Gerty Farish’s sitting-room, whither a hansom had carried the two friends, Lily dropped into a chair with a faint sound of laughter: it struck her as a humorous coincidence that her aunt’s legacy should so nearly represent the amount of her debt to Trenor. The need of discharging that debt had reasserted itself with increased urgency since her return to America, and she spoke her first thought in saying to the anxiously hovering Gerty: “I wonder when the legacies will be paid.”
In Gerty Farish’s living room, where a cab had taken the two friends, Lily sank into a chair with a light laugh: she found it amusing that her aunt’s inheritance was almost exactly the same as her debt to Trenor. The need to settle that debt had become more pressing since her return to America, and she voiced her initial thought by saying to the worried Gerty, “I wonder when the inheritances will be paid.”
But Miss Farish could not pause over the legacies; she broke into a larger indignation. “Oh, Lily, it’s unjust; it’s cruel—Grace Stepney must FEEL she has no right to all that money!”
But Miss Farish couldn't dwell on the legacies; she burst into a bigger outrage. “Oh, Lily, it’s unfair; it’s cruel—Grace Stepney must KNOW she has no right to all that money!”
“Any one who knew how to please Aunt Julia has a right to her money,” Miss Bart rejoined philosophically.
“Anyone who knew how to make Aunt Julia happy has a right to her money,” Miss Bart replied thoughtfully.
“But she was devoted to you—she led every one to think—” Gerty checked herself in evident embarrassment, and Miss Bart turned to her with a direct look. “Gerty, be honest: this will was made only six weeks ago. She had heard of my break with the Dorsets?”
“But she was devoted to you—everyone believed that—” Gerty paused, clearly embarrassed, and Miss Bart looked at her intently. “Gerty, be honest: this will was made just six weeks ago. Had she heard about my split with the Dorsets?”
“Every one heard, of course, that there had been some disagreement—some misunderstanding——”
“Everyone heard, of course, that there had been some disagreement—some misunderstanding—”
“Did she hear that Bertha turned me off the yacht?”
“Did she hear that Bertha kicked me off the yacht?”
“Lily!”
“Lily!”
“That was what happened, you know. She said I was trying to marry George Dorset. She did it to make him think she was jealous. Isn’t that what she told Gwen Stepney?”
"That’s what happened, you know. She said I was trying to marry George Dorset. She did it to make him think she was jealous. Isn’t that what she told Gwen Stepney?"
“I don’t know—I don’t listen to such horrors.”
“I don’t know—I don’t pay attention to that kind of stuff.”
“I MUST listen to them—I must know where I stand.” She paused, and again sounded a faint note of derision. “Did you notice the women? They were afraid to snub me while they thought I was going to get the money—afterward they scuttled off as if I had the plague.” Gerty remained silent, and she continued: “I stayed on to see what would happen. They took their cue from Gwen Stepney and Lulu Melson—I saw them watching to see what Gwen would do.—Gerty, I must know just what is being said of me.”
“I have to listen to them—I need to know where I stand.” She paused, and again there was a hint of sarcasm in her voice. “Did you see the women? They were too scared to dismiss me while they thought I was going to get the money—after that, they hurried away as if I had the plague.” Gerty stayed quiet, and she went on: “I stuck around to see what would happen. They were following Gwen Stepney and Lulu Melson’s lead—I could see them looking to see what Gwen would do. Gerty, I need to know exactly what’s being said about me.”
“I tell you I don’t listen——”
“I’m telling you I don’t listen——”
“One hears such things without listening.” She rose and laid her resolute hands on Miss Farish’s shoulders. “Gerty, are people going to cut me?”
“One hears things without really paying attention.” She stood up and placed her determined hands on Miss Farish’s shoulders. “Gerty, are people going to cut me?”
“Your FRIENDS, Lily—how can you think it?”
“Your FRIENDS, Lily—how can you think that?”
“Who are one’s friends at such a time? Who, but you, you poor trustful darling? And heaven knows what YOU suspect me of!” She kissed Gerty with a whimsical murmur. “You’d never let it make any difference—but then you’re fond of criminals, Gerty! How about the irreclaimable ones, though? For I’m absolutely impenitent, you know.”
“Who are your friends at a time like this? Who, except for you, my poor trusting darling? And God knows what YOU think of me!” She kissed Gerty with a playful whisper. “You’d never let it change anything—but then you have a thing for criminals, Gerty! What about the hopeless ones, though? Because I am completely unrepentant, you know.”
She drew herself up to the full height of her slender majesty, towering like some dark angel of defiance above the troubled Gerty, who could only falter out: “Lily, Lily—how can you laugh about such things?”
She lifted herself to her full height, looking like a dark angel of defiance above the troubled Gerty, who could only stammer: “Lily, Lily—how can you laugh about stuff like this?”
“So as not to weep, perhaps. But no—I’m not of the tearful order. I discovered early that crying makes my nose red, and the knowledge has helped me through several painful episodes.” She took a restless turn about the room, and then, reseating herself, lifted the bright mockery of her eyes to Gerty’s anxious countenance.
“So I don't cry, I guess. But no—I’m not the type to tear up. I found out pretty early that crying just makes my nose red, and that realization has helped me get through some tough times.” She walked anxiously around the room, and then, when she sat down again, she lifted the bright mockery of her eyes to Gerty’s worried face.
“I shouldn’t have minded, you know, if I’d got the money—” and at Miss Farish’s protesting “Oh!” she repeated calmly: “Not a straw, my dear; for, in the first place, they wouldn’t have quite dared to ignore me; and if they had, it wouldn’t have mattered, because I should have been independent of them. But now—!” The irony faded from her eyes, and she bent a clouded face upon her friend.
“I wouldn’t have cared, you know, if I had the money—” and at Miss Farish’s surprised “Oh!” she calmly repeated: “Not at all, my dear; because, first of all, they wouldn’t have dared to ignore me; and if they did, it wouldn’t have mattered, because I would have been independent of them. But now—!” The irony disappeared from her eyes, and she looked at her friend with a troubled expression.
“How can you talk so, Lily? Of course the money ought to have been yours, but after all that makes no difference. The important thing——” Gerty paused, and then continued firmly: “The important thing is that you should clear yourself—should tell your friends the whole truth.”
“How can you say that, Lily? Sure, the money should have been yours, but that doesn’t really matter. The important thing—” Gerty paused, then continued firmly: “The important thing is that you clear yourself—tell your friends the whole truth.”
“The whole truth?” Miss Bart laughed. “What is truth? Where a woman is concerned, it’s the story that’s easiest to believe. In this case it’s a great deal easier to believe Bertha Dorset’s story than mine, because she has a big house and an opera box, and it’s convenient to be on good terms with her.”
“The whole truth?” Miss Bart laughed. “What is truth? When it comes to women, it’s the story that’s easiest to believe. In this case, it’s a lot easier to believe Bertha Dorset’s story than mine, because she has a big house and an opera box, and it’s helpful to be on her good side.”
Miss Farish still fixed her with an anxious gaze. “But what IS your story, Lily? I don’t believe any one knows it yet.”
Miss Farish still looked at her with a worried expression. “But what IS your story, Lily? I don’t think anyone knows it yet.”
“My story?—I don’t believe I know it myself. You see I never thought of preparing a version in advance as Bertha did—and if I had, I don’t think I should take the trouble to use it now.”
“My story?—I don’t think I even know it myself. You see, I never considered preparing a version ahead of time like Bertha did—and even if I had, I don’t think I would bother using it now.”
But Gerty continued with her quiet reasonableness: “I don’t want a version prepared in advance—but I want you to tell me exactly what happened from the beginning.”
But Gerty kept her calm and logical tone: “I don’t want a pre-written version—but I want you to tell me exactly what happened from the start.”
“From the beginning?” Miss Bart gently mimicked her. “Dear Gerty, how little imagination you good people have! Why, the beginning was in my cradle, I suppose—in the way I was brought up, and the things I was taught to care for. Or no—I won’t blame anybody for my faults: I’ll say it was in my blood, that I got it from some wicked pleasure-loving ancestress, who reacted against the homely virtues of New Amsterdam, and wanted to be back at the court of the Charleses!” And as Miss Farish continued to press her with troubled eyes, she went on impatiently: “You asked me just now for the truth—well, the truth about any girl is that once she’s talked about she’s done for; and the more she explains her case the worse it looks.—My good Gerty, you don’t happen to have a cigarette about you?”
“From the beginning?” Miss Bart gently imitated her. “Dear Gerty, you good people have such little imagination! Honestly, the beginning was in my cradle, I guess—in the way I was raised and the things I learned to care about. Or no—I won’t blame anyone for my faults: I’ll say it’s in my blood, that I inherited it from some wicked pleasure-loving ancestor who rebelled against the simple virtues of New Amsterdam and wanted to be back at the court of the Charleses!” And as Miss Farish continued to look at her with concern, she continued impatiently: “You just asked me for the truth—well, the truth about any girl is that once she’s being talked about, she’s finished; and the more she tries to explain herself, the worse it gets.—My dear Gerty, do you happen to have a cigarette on you?”
In her stuffy room at the hotel to which she had gone on landing, Lily Bart that evening reviewed her situation. It was the last week in June, and none of her friends were in town. The few relatives who had stayed on, or returned, for the reading of Mrs. Peniston’s will, had taken flight again that afternoon to Newport or Long Island; and not one of them had made any proffer of hospitality to Lily. For the first time in her life she found herself utterly alone except for Gerty Farish. Even at the actual moment of her break with the Dorsets she had not had so keen a sense of its consequences, for the Duchess of Beltshire, hearing of the catastrophe from Lord Hubert, had instantly offered her protection, and under her sheltering wing Lily had made an almost triumphant progress to London. There she had been sorely tempted to linger on in a society which asked of her only to amuse and charm it, without enquiring too curiously how she had acquired her gift for doing so; but Selden, before they parted, had pressed on her the urgent need of returning at once to her aunt, and Lord Hubert, when he presently reappeared in London, abounded in the same counsel. Lily did not need to be told that the Duchess’s championship was not the best road to social rehabilitation, and as she was besides aware that her noble defender might at any moment drop her in favour of a new PROTEGEE, she reluctantly decided to return to America. But she had not been ten minutes on her native shore before she realized that she had delayed too long to regain it. The Dorsets, the Stepneys, the Brys—all the actors and witnesses in the miserable drama—had preceded her with their version of the case; and, even had she seen the least chance of gaining a hearing for her own, some obscure disdain and reluctance would have restrained her. She knew it was not by explanations and counter-charges that she could ever hope to recover her lost standing; but even had she felt the least trust in their efficacy, she would still have been held back by the feeling which had kept her from defending herself to Gerty Farish—a feeling that was half pride and half humiliation. For though she knew she had been ruthlessly sacrificed to Bertha Dorset’s determination to win back her husband, and though her own relation to Dorset had been that of the merest good-fellowship, yet she had been perfectly aware from the outset that her part in the affair was, as Carry Fisher brutally put it, to distract Dorset’s attention from his wife. That was what she was “there for”: it was the price she had chosen to pay for three months of luxury and freedom from care. Her habit of resolutely facing the facts, in her rare moments of introspection, did not now allow her to put any false gloss on the situation. She had suffered for the very faithfulness with which she had carried out her part of the tacit compact, but the part was not a handsome one at best, and she saw it now in all the ugliness of failure.
In her stuffy hotel room where she had gone after arriving, Lily Bart spent that evening reflecting on her situation. It was the last week of June, and none of her friends were in town. The few relatives who had stuck around, or returned, for the reading of Mrs. Peniston’s will, had left again that afternoon for Newport or Long Island; and not one of them had offered Lily any hospitality. For the first time in her life, she found herself completely alone except for Gerty Farish. Even at the moment she had broken away from the Dorsets, she hadn’t felt as acutely aware of the consequences, because the Duchess of Beltshire, hearing about the situation from Lord Hubert, had immediately offered to help her, and under her support, Lily had made a nearly triumphant journey to London. There, she had been strongly tempted to keep hanging around in a society that only wanted her to amuse and charm it, without probing too deeply into how she had developed that ability; but Selden, before they parted, had urged her to return to her aunt right away, and when Lord Hubert later reappeared in London, he insisted on the same advice. Lily didn’t need to be told that the Duchess's protection wasn’t the best way to regain her standing in society, and since she was also aware that her noble supporter could abandon her for a new PROTEGEE at any moment, she reluctantly decided to return to America. However, she hadn’t been on her home soil for ten minutes before she realized that she had waited too long to reclaim it. The Dorsets, the Stepneys, the Brys—all the players and witnesses in the sad drama—had beaten her there with their version of events; and even if she had seen a glimmer of hope to make her case, some vague disdain and reluctance would have held her back. She knew it wasn’t by offering explanations and counter-arguments that she could ever hope to restore her lost reputation; but even if she had the slightest trust in their effectiveness, she still would have been hesitant due to the feeling that had prevented her from defending herself to Gerty Farish—a feeling that was part pride and part humiliation. For even though she knew she had been heartlessly sacrificed to Bertha Dorset’s determination to win her husband back, and even though her own relationship with Dorset had been purely friendly, she had always been aware from the beginning that her role in the affair was, as Carry Fisher brutally stated, to divert Dorset’s attention from his wife. That was what she was “there for”: it was the price she had chosen to pay for three months of luxury and freedom from worry. Her habit of facing facts resolutely, in her rare moments of introspection, didn’t let her gloss over the situation now. She had suffered for the very loyalty with which she had fulfilled her part of the unspoken agreement, but that part had never been a noble one, and she now saw it in all its failure and ugliness.
She saw, too, in the same uncompromising light, the train of consequences resulting from that failure; and these became clearer to her with every day of her weary lingering in town. She stayed on partly for the comfort of Gerty Farish’s nearness, and partly for lack of knowing where to go. She understood well enough the nature of the task before her. She must set out to regain, little by little, the position she had lost; and the first step in the tedious task was to find out, as soon as possible, on how many of her friends she could count. Her hopes were mainly centred on Mrs. Trenor, who had treasures of easy-going tolerance for those who were amusing or useful to her, and in the noisy rush of whose existence the still small voice of detraction was slow to make itself heard. But Judy, though she must have been apprised of Miss Bart’s return, had not even recognized it by the formal note of condolence which her friend’s bereavement demanded. Any advance on Lily’s side might have been perilous: there was nothing to do but to trust to the happy chance of an accidental meeting, and Lily knew that, even so late in the season, there was always a hope of running across her friends in their frequent passages through town.
She saw, too, in that same clear light, the chain of consequences from her failure; and these became clearer to her with each day of her exhausting stay in town. She lingered partly for the comfort of being near Gerty Farish, and partly because she didn’t know where else to go. She understood well what she needed to do. She had to start regaining, bit by bit, the position she had lost; and the first step in this long process was to find out, as soon as possible, how many of her friends she could rely on. Her main hope was in Mrs. Trenor, who had a wealth of easygoing tolerance for those who were entertaining or useful to her, and in the chaotic rush of her life, the quieter critiques took longer to surface. But Judy, even though she must have known about Miss Bart’s return, hadn’t even acknowledged it with the formal note of condolence that her friend’s loss called for. Any effort on Lily’s part might have been risky: there was nothing to do but trust in the chance of an accidental encounter, and Lily knew that, even this late in the season, there was always a chance to run into her friends as they often passed through town.
To this end she assiduously showed herself at the restaurants they frequented, where, attended by the troubled Gerty, she lunched luxuriously, as she said, on her expectations.
To achieve this, she diligently appeared at the restaurants they often visited, where, accompanied by the worried Gerty, she enjoyed lavish lunches, as she put it, on her hopes.
“My dear Gerty, you wouldn’t have me let the head-waiter see that I’ve nothing to live on but Aunt Julia’s legacy? Think of Grace Stepney’s satisfaction if she came in and found us lunching on cold mutton and tea! What sweet shall we have today, dear—COUPE JACQUES or PECHES A LA MELBA?”
“My dear Gerty, you wouldn’t want me to let the head waiter see that I have nothing to live on except Aunt Julia’s inheritance, would you? Imagine Grace Stepney’s delight if she walked in and found us having cold mutton and tea for lunch! What dessert should we get today, dear—COUPE JACQUES or PECHES A LA MELBA?”
She dropped the MENU abruptly, with a quick heightening of colour, and Gerty, following her glance, was aware of the advance, from an inner room, of a party headed by Mrs. Trenor and Carry Fisher. It was impossible for these ladies and their companions—among whom Lily had at once distinguished both Trenor and Rosedale—not to pass, in going out, the table at which the two girls were seated; and Gerty’s sense of the fact betrayed itself in the helpless trepidation of her manner. Miss Bart, on the contrary, borne forward on the wave of her buoyant grace, and neither shrinking from her friends nor appearing to lie in wait for them, gave to the encounter the touch of naturalness which she could impart to the most strained situations. Such embarrassment as was shown was on Mrs. Trenor’s side, and manifested itself in the mingling of exaggerated warmth with imperceptible reservations. Her loudly affirmed pleasure at seeing Miss Bart took the form of a nebulous generalization, which included neither enquiries as to her future nor the expression of a definite wish to see her again. Lily, well-versed in the language of these omissions, knew that they were equally intelligible to the other members of the party: even Rosedale, flushed as he was with the importance of keeping such company, at once took the temperature of Mrs. Trenor’s cordiality, and reflected it in his off-hand greeting of Miss Bart. Trenor, red and uncomfortable, had cut short his salutations on the pretext of a word to say to the head-waiter; and the rest of the group soon melted away in Mrs. Trenor’s wake.
She dropped the MENU suddenly, her face flushing, and Gerty, following her gaze, noticed a group led by Mrs. Trenor and Carry Fisher coming from an inner room. It was unavoidable for these ladies and their companions—among whom Lily immediately recognized both Trenor and Rosedale—to pass the table where the two girls were sitting. Gerty’s awareness of this fact showed in her nervous manner. Miss Bart, on the other hand, moved forward with her usual grace, neither shying away from her friends nor seeming to be waiting for them, giving the situation a natural touch, even in a strained moment. Any awkwardness came from Mrs. Trenor, whose exaggerated warmth was mixed with subtle reservations. Her overly enthusiastic greeting to Miss Bart felt vague, without any questions about her future or a clear hope to see her again. Lily, skilled in reading between the lines, knew that the others could also pick up on these omissions: even Rosedale, flushed with the excitement of being in such company, quickly assessed Mrs. Trenor’s friendliness and mirrored it in his casual greeting to Miss Bart. Trenor, looking red and uncomfortable, wrapped up his greetings with a quick excuse about needing to speak to the head-waiter, and the rest of the group soon drifted away behind Mrs. Trenor.
It was over in a moment—the waiter, MENU in hand, still hung on the result of the choice between COUPE JACQUES and PECHES A LA MELBA—but Miss Bart, in the interval, had taken the measure of her fate. Where Judy Trenor led, all the world would follow; and Lily had the doomed sense of the castaway who has signalled in vain to fleeing sails.
It was over in an instant—the waiter, MENU in hand, still waited on the outcome of the choice between COUPE JACQUES and PECHES A LA MELBA—but Miss Bart, in that moment, had already assessed her fate. Wherever Judy Trenor went, everyone would follow; and Lily felt like a castaway who had signaled in vain to disappearing ships.
In a flash she remembered Mrs. Trenor’s complaints of Carry Fisher’s rapacity, and saw that they denoted an unexpected acquaintance with her husband’s private affairs. In the large tumultuous disorder of the life at Bellomont, where no one seemed to have time to observe any one else, and private aims and personal interests were swept along unheeded in the rush of collective activities, Lily had fancied herself sheltered from inconvenient scrutiny; but if Judy knew when Mrs. Fisher borrowed money of her husband, was she likely to ignore the same transaction on Lily’s part? If she was careless of his affections she was plainly jealous of his pocket; and in that fact Lily read the explanation of her rebuff. The immediate result of these conclusions was the passionate resolve to pay back her debt to Trenor. That obligation discharged, she would have but a thousand dollars of Mrs. Peniston’s legacy left, and nothing to live on but her own small income, which was considerably less than Gerty Farish’s wretched pittance; but this consideration gave way to the imperative claim of her wounded pride. She must be quits with the Trenors first; after that she would take thought for the future.
In a moment, she recalled Mrs. Trenor’s complaints about Carry Fisher’s greed and realized they revealed an unexpected awareness of her husband’s private matters. In the chaotic life at Bellomont, where no one seemed to have the time to pay attention to anyone else, and personal goals and interests were overlooked in the flow of group activities, Lily had thought she was safe from unwanted scrutiny. But if Judy knew when Mrs. Fisher borrowed money from her husband, why would she overlook a similar situation involving Lily? If she didn't care about his affections, she was clearly jealous of his money; and this insight explained Lily's earlier rejection. The immediate result of these thoughts was her intense determination to repay her debt to Trenor. Once that obligation was settled, she would only have a thousand dollars left from Mrs. Peniston’s inheritance and nothing to rely on but her own meager income, which was much less than Gerty Farish’s pathetic salary; but this concern was overshadowed by her wounded pride. She had to settle things with the Trenors first; after that, she would think about the future.
In her ignorance of legal procrastinations she had supposed that her legacy would be paid over within a few days of the reading of her aunt’s will; and after an interval of anxious suspense, she wrote to enquire the cause of the delay. There was another interval before Mrs. Peniston’s lawyer, who was also one of the executors, replied to the effect that, some questions having arisen relative to the interpretation of the will, he and his associates might not be in a position to pay the legacies till the close of the twelvemonth legally allotted for their settlement. Bewildered and indignant, Lily resolved to try the effect of a personal appeal; but she returned from her expedition with a sense of the powerlessness of beauty and charm against the unfeeling processes of the law. It seemed intolerable to live on for another year under the weight of her debt; and in her extremity she decided to turn to Miss Stepney, who still lingered in town, immersed in the delectable duty of “going over” her benefactress’s effects. It was bitter enough for Lily to ask a favour of Grace Stepney, but the alternative was bitterer still; and one morning she presented herself at Mrs. Peniston’s, where Grace, for the facilitation of her pious task, had taken up a provisional abode.
In her ignorance of legal delays, she thought that her inheritance would be paid out just a few days after her aunt’s will was read. After a period of anxious waiting, she wrote to ask about the cause of the hold-up. There was another wait before Mrs. Peniston’s lawyer, who was also one of the executors, responded, saying that some questions had come up regarding the interpretation of the will, and he and his associates might not be able to pay the inheritances until the end of the year legally allowed for their settlement. Confused and upset, Lily decided to try appealing in person; however, she returned from her visit feeling the helplessness of beauty and charm against the harsh realities of the law. It felt unbearable to live for another year under the burden of her debt, and in her desperation, she decided to reach out to Miss Stepney, who was still in town, busy with the enjoyable task of “going through” her benefactor’s belongings. It was hard enough for Lily to ask a favor from Grace Stepney, but the alternative was even worse; so one morning she showed up at Mrs. Peniston’s, where Grace had temporarily moved in to facilitate her charitable task.
The strangeness of entering as a suppliant the house where she had so long commanded, increased Lily’s desire to shorten the ordeal; and when Miss Stepney entered the darkened drawing-room, rustling with the best quality of crape, her visitor went straight to the point: would she be willing to advance the amount of the expected legacy?
The oddness of walking into the house where she had been in charge for so long made Lily eager to get through the uncomfortable situation quickly. When Miss Stepney walked into the dimly lit drawing-room, swishing her high-quality crape dress, her visitor got right to the point: would she be willing to provide the amount of the anticipated inheritance?
Grace, in reply, wept and wondered at the request, bemoaned the inexorableness of the law, and was astonished that Lily had not realized the exact similarity of their positions. Did she think that only the payment of the legacies had been delayed? Why, Miss Stepney herself had not received a penny of her inheritance, and was paying rent—yes, actually!—for the privilege of living in a house that belonged to her. She was sure it was not what poor dear cousin Julia would have wished—she had told the executors so to their faces; but they were inaccessible to reason, and there was nothing to do but to wait. Let Lily take example by her, and be patient—let them both remember how beautifully patient cousin Julia had always been.
Grace, in response, cried and reflected on the request, lamented the unyielding nature of the law, and was shocked that Lily had not seen how similar their situations were. Did she think only the payments of the legacies were on hold? After all, Miss Stepney herself hadn’t received a single penny of her inheritance and was actually paying rent for the right to live in a house that belonged to her. She was sure this wasn’t what poor dear cousin Julia would have wanted—she had told the executors so directly—but they were immune to reason, and there was nothing to do but wait. Let Lily take a cue from her and be patient—let them both remember how gracefully patient cousin Julia had always been.
Lily made a movement which showed her imperfect assimilation of this example. “But you will have everything, Grace—it would be easy for you to borrow ten times the amount I am asking for.”
Lily made a gesture that indicated her struggle to fully understand this example. “But you’ll have everything, Grace—it would be easy for you to borrow ten times what I’m asking for.”
“Borrow—easy for me to borrow?” Grace Stepney rose up before her in sable wrath. “Do you imagine for a moment that I would raise money on my expectations from cousin Julia, when I know so well her unspeakable horror of every transaction of the sort? Why, Lily, if you must know the truth, it was the idea of your being in debt that brought on her illness—you remember she had a slight attack before you sailed. Oh, I don’t know the particulars, of course—I don’t WANT to know them—but there were rumours about your affairs that made her most unhappy—no one could be with her without seeing that. I can’t help it if you are offended by my telling you this now—if I can do anything to make you realize the folly of your course, and how deeply SHE disapproved of it, I shall feel it is the truest way of making up to you for her loss.”
“Borrow—easy for me to borrow?” Grace Stepney stood before her, fuming. “Do you seriously think I would take out a loan based on my expectations from cousin Julia, knowing how much she hates any kind of deal like that? Honestly, Lily, if you need to hear the truth, the thought of you being in debt triggered her illness—you remember she had a minor episode before you left. I don’t know the details, of course—I don’t WANT to know them—but there were whispers about your situation that made her really upset—anyone who was with her could see that. I can’t help it if you’re upset with me for saying this now—if I can do anything to make you see how foolish your choices are, and how strongly SHE disapproved of them, I’ll feel like it’s the best way to make up to you for her loss.”
Chapter 5
It seemed to Lily, as Mrs. Peniston’s door closed on her, that she was taking a final leave of her old life. The future stretched before her dull and bare as the deserted length of Fifth Avenue, and opportunities showed as meagrely as the few cabs trailing in quest of fares that did not come. The completeness of the analogy was, however, disturbed as she reached the sidewalk by the rapid approach of a hansom which pulled up at sight of her.
It felt to Lily, as Mrs. Peniston’s door closed behind her, that she was saying goodbye to her old life for good. The future lay ahead of her, empty and lifeless like the abandoned stretch of Fifth Avenue, and opportunities appeared as scarce as the few cabs drifting by in search of passengers that never arrived. However, the perfect comparison was interrupted as she stepped onto the sidewalk by the swift arrival of a cab that stopped when it saw her.
From beneath its luggage-laden top, she caught the wave of a signalling hand; and the next moment Mrs. Fisher, springing to the street, had folded her in a demonstrative embrace.
From under its heavy load of luggage, she saw a hand waving to get her attention; and the next moment, Mrs. Fisher jumped onto the street and pulled her into a big, warm hug.
“My dear, you don’t mean to say you’re still in town? When I saw you the other day at Sherry’s I didn’t have time to ask——” She broke off, and added with a burst of frankness: “The truth is I was HORRID, Lily, and I’ve wanted to tell you so ever since.”
“My dear, you can’t be serious that you’re still in town? When I saw you the other day at Sherry’s, I didn’t have a chance to ask—” She paused, then continued with complete honesty: “The truth is I was awful, Lily, and I’ve wanted to tell you that ever since.”
“Oh——” Miss Bart protested, drawing back from her penitent clasp; but Mrs. Fisher went on with her usual directness: “Look here, Lily, don’t let’s beat about the bush: half the trouble in life is caused by pretending there isn’t any. That’s not my way, and I can only say I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself for following the other women’s lead. But we’ll talk of that by and bye—tell me now where you’re staying and what your plans are. I don’t suppose you’re keeping house in there with Grace Stepney, eh?—and it struck me you might be rather at loose ends.”
“Oh——” Miss Bart protested, pulling back from her apologetic grip; but Mrs. Fisher continued with her usual straightforwardness: “Listen, Lily, let’s not beat around the bush: a lot of the problems in life come from pretending they don’t exist. That’s not how I do things, and I can only say I’m completely ashamed of myself for going along with what the other women did. But we’ll get to that later—tell me now where you’re staying and what your plans are. I assume you’re not living in there with Grace Stepney, right?—it seemed to me you might be a bit aimless.”
In Lily’s present mood there was no resisting the honest friendliness of this appeal, and she said with a smile: “I am at loose ends for the moment, but Gerty Farish is still in town, and she’s good enough to let me be with her whenever she can spare the time.”
In Lily's current mood, she couldn't resist the genuine kindness of this request, so she smiled and said, “I have some free time right now, but Gerty Farish is still in town, and she's nice enough to let me hang out with her whenever she has some time to spare.”
Mrs. Fisher made a slight grimace. “H’m—that’s a temperate joy. Oh, I know—Gerty’s a trump, and worth all the rest of us put together; but A LA LONGUE you’re used to a little higher seasoning, aren’t you, dear? And besides, I suppose she’ll be off herself before long—the first of August, you say? Well, look here, you can’t spend your summer in town; we’ll talk of that later too. But meanwhile, what do you say to putting a few things in a trunk and coming down with me to the Sam Gormers’ tonight?”
Mrs. Fisher made a slight grimace. “Hmm—that’s a mild happiness. Oh, I know—Gerty’s amazing and worth more than all of us combined; but in the long run, you’re used to a little more excitement, aren’t you, dear? And besides, I guess she’ll be leaving soon enough—the first of August, you say? Well, look, you can’t spend your summer in the city; we’ll talk about that later too. But in the meantime, how about we pack a few things and you come with me to the Sam Gormers’ tonight?”
And as Lily stared at the breathless suddenness of the suggestion, she continued with her easy laugh: “You don’t know them and they don’t know you; but that don’t make a rap of difference. They’ve taken the Van Alstyne place at Roslyn, and I’ve got CARTE BLANCHE to bring my friends down there—the more the merrier. They do things awfully well, and there’s to be rather a jolly party there this week——” she broke off, checked by an undefinable change in Miss Bart’s expression. “Oh, I don’t mean YOUR particular set, you know: rather a different crowd, but very good fun. The fact is, the Gormers have struck out on a line of their own: what they want is to have a good time, and to have it in their own way. They gave the other thing a few months’ trial, under my distinguished auspices, and they were really doing extremely well—getting on a good deal faster than the Brys, just because they didn’t care as much—but suddenly they decided that the whole business bored them, and that what they wanted was a crowd they could really feel at home with. Rather original of them, don’t you think so? Mattie Gormer HAS got aspirations still; women always have; but she’s awfully easy-going, and Sam won’t be bothered, and they both like to be the most important people in sight, so they’ve started a sort of continuous performance of their own, a kind of social Coney Island, where everybody is welcome who can make noise enough and doesn’t put on airs. I think it’s awfully good fun myself—some of the artistic set, you know, any pretty actress that’s going, and so on. This week, for instance, they have Audrey Anstell, who made such a hit last spring in ‘The Winning of Winny’; and Paul Morpeth—he’s painting Mattie Gormer—and the Dick Bellingers, and Kate Corby—well, every one you can think of who’s jolly and makes a row. Now don’t stand there with your nose in the air, my dear—it will be a good deal better than a broiling Sunday in town, and you’ll find clever people as well as noisy ones—Morpeth, who admires Mattie enormously, always brings one or two of his set.”
And as Lily looked at the unexpected suggestion, she kept laughing easily: “You don’t know them and they don’t know you; but that doesn’t matter at all. They’ve taken the Van Alstyne place at Roslyn, and I’ve got CARTE BLANCHE to bring my friends there—the more, the merrier. They really know how to throw a party, and there’s going to be quite a fun gathering this week——” she paused, noticing a change in Miss Bart’s expression. “Oh, I don’t mean YOUR particular crowd, you know: it’s a different group, but they’re a lot of fun. The fact is, the Gormers have decided to do their own thing: what they want is to enjoy themselves, and to do it their way. They tried out the other scene for a few months, under my distinguished guidance, and they were doing quite well—moving ahead faster than the Brys, simply because they didn’t care as much—but suddenly they decided it was all boring, and that they wanted a crowd they could feel comfortable with. Rather original of them, don’t you think? Mattie Gormer still has ambitions; women always do; but she’s pretty laid-back, and Sam doesn’t want any hassle, and they both love being the center of attention, so they’ve created a kind of ongoing show of their own, a social Coney Island, where everyone is welcome if they can make enough noise and don’t act stuck-up. I think it’s really fun myself—some of the artistic crowd, you know, any pretty actress who’s in town, and so on. This week, for example, they have Audrey Anstell, who made such a splash last spring in ‘The Winning of Winny’; and Paul Morpeth—he’s painting Mattie Gormer—and the Dick Bellingers, and Kate Corby—well, everyone you can think of who’s fun and makes a scene. Now don’t stand there with your nose in the air, my dear—it’ll be a lot better than spending a scorching Sunday in the city, and you’ll find clever people as well as noisy ones—Morpeth, who thinks very highly of Mattie, always brings one or two of his friends.”
Mrs. Fisher drew Lily toward the hansom with friendly authority. “Jump in now, there’s a dear, and we’ll drive round to your hotel and have your things packed, and then we’ll have tea, and the two maids can meet us at the train.”
Mrs. Fisher pulled Lily toward the cab with a warm but commanding tone. “Hop in now, sweetie, and we’ll head over to your hotel to get your stuff packed, then we’ll have some tea, and the two maids can meet us at the train.”
It was a good deal better than a broiling Sunday in town—of that no doubt remained to Lily as, reclining in the shade of a leafy verandah, she looked seaward across a stretch of greensward picturesquely dotted with groups of ladies in lace raiment and men in tennis flannels. The huge Van Alstyne house and its rambling dependencies were packed to their fullest capacity with the Gormers’ week-end guests, who now, in the radiance of the Sunday forenoon, were dispersing themselves over the grounds in quest of the various distractions the place afforded: distractions ranging from tennis-courts to shooting-galleries, from bridge and whiskey within doors to motors and steam-launches without. Lily had the odd sense of having been caught up into the crowd as carelessly as a passenger is gathered in by an express train. The blonde and genial Mrs. Gormer might, indeed, have figured the conductor, calmly assigning seats to the rush of travellers, while Carry Fisher represented the porter pushing their bags into place, giving them their numbers for the dining-car, and warning them when their station was at hand. The train, meanwhile, had scarcely slackened speed—life whizzed on with a deafening’ rattle and roar, in which one traveller at least found a welcome refuge from the sound of her own thoughts. The Gormer MILIEU represented a social out-skirt which Lily had always fastidiously avoided; but it struck her, now that she was in it, as only a flamboyant copy of her own world, a caricature approximating the real thing as the “society play” approaches the manners of the drawing-room. The people about her were doing the same things as the Trenors, the Van Osburghs and the Dorsets: the difference lay in a hundred shades of aspect and manner, from the pattern of the men’s waistcoats to the inflexion of the women’s voices. Everything was pitched in a higher key, and there was more of each thing: more noise, more colour, more champagne, more familiarity—but also greater good-nature, less rivalry, and a fresher capacity for enjoyment.
It was definitely better than a hot Sunday in the city—Lily had no doubt about that as she lounged in the shade of a leafy porch, gazing out at a stretch of green lawn dotted with groups of women in lace dresses and men in tennis outfits. The massive Van Alstyne house and its sprawling grounds were filled to capacity with the Gormers’ weekend guests, who, now basking in the Sunday morning sun, were spreading out across the property in search of the various activities available: from tennis courts to shooting galleries, from bridge and whiskey indoors to cars and steam launches outside. Lily had an odd feeling of being swept along with the crowd as carelessly as a passenger caught up by an express train. The cheerful and friendly Mrs. Gormer could easily be seen as the conductor, calmly assigning seats to the rush of travelers, while Carry Fisher represented the porter, helping with their bags, giving them their dining-car numbers, and warning them when their stop was coming up. Meanwhile, the train hardly slowed down—life zoomed by with a deafening clatter and roar, where at least one traveler found a welcome escape from the noise of her own thoughts. The Gormer environment was a social scene Lily had always carefully avoided; but now that she was in it, it struck her as just a flashy imitation of her own world, a caricature resembling the real thing, much like how a "society play" mimics the manners of a drawing room. The people around her were doing the same things as the Trenors, the Van Osburghs, and the Dorsets: the difference lay in the countless nuances of appearance and behavior, from the designs of the men’s vests to the inflection of the women’s voices. Everything was more intense, with more of everything: more noise, more color, more champagne, more friendliness—but also a greater sense of good nature, less competition, and a fresher capacity for enjoyment.
Miss Bart’s arrival had been welcomed with an uncritical friendliness that first irritated her pride and then brought her to a sharp sense of her own situation—of the place in life which, for the moment, she must accept and make the best of. These people knew her story—of that her first long talk with Carry Fisher had left no doubt: she was publicly branded as the heroine of a “queer” episode—but instead of shrinking from her as her own friends had done, they received her without question into the easy promiscuity of their lives. They swallowed her past as easily as they did Miss Anstell’s, and with no apparent sense of any difference in the size of the mouthful: all they asked was that she should—in her own way, for they recognized a diversity of gifts—contribute as much to the general amusement as that graceful actress, whose talents, when off the stage, were of the most varied order. Lily felt at once that any tendency to be “stuck-up,” to mark a sense of differences and distinctions, would be fatal to her continuance in the Gormer set. To be taken in on such terms—and into such a world!—was hard enough to the lingering pride in her; but she realized, with a pang of self-contempt, that to be excluded from it would, after all, be harder still. For, almost at once, she had felt the insidious charm of slipping back into a life where every material difficulty was smoothed away. The sudden escape from a stifling hotel in a dusty deserted city to the space and luxury of a great country-house fanned by sea breezes, had produced a state of moral lassitude agreeable enough after the nervous tension and physical discomfort of the past weeks. For the moment she must yield to the refreshment her senses craved—after that she would reconsider her situation, and take counsel with her dignity. Her enjoyment of her surroundings was, indeed, tinged by the unpleasant consideration that she was accepting the hospitality and courting the approval of people she had disdained under other conditions. But she was growing less sensitive on such points: a hard glaze of indifference was fast forming over her delicacies and susceptibilities, and each concession to expediency hardened the surface a little more.
Miss Bart’s arrival was met with an uncritical friendliness that initially annoyed her pride but then made her acutely aware of her own situation—the place in life she had to accept for now and make the best of. These people knew her story—her first long conversation with Carry Fisher had made that clear: she was publicly labeled as the heroine of a “weird” episode—but instead of shying away from her like her own friends had, they welcomed her without question into the easy chaos of their lives. They accepted her past just as easily as they did Miss Anstell’s, showing no apparent sense of any difference in how hard it was to digest: all they wanted was for her to—in her own way, as they recognized that everyone has different strengths—contribute as much to the general fun as that graceful actress, whose talents offstage were quite varied. Lily felt right away that any tendency to be “stuck-up,” to point out differences and distinctions, would ruin her chances of fitting in with the Gormer crowd. Being accepted on those terms—and into such a world!—was tough on her lingering pride; but she realized, with a pang of self-contempt, that being left out would, after all, be even harder. Almost immediately, she felt the tempting allure of slipping back into a life where all material difficulties were smoothed out. The sudden escape from a suffocating hotel in a dusty, deserted city to the spacious luxury of a grand country house cooled by sea breezes had created a pleasant sense of moral laziness after the nervous tension and physical discomfort of the past weeks. For now, she needed to give in to the refreshment her senses craved—afterward, she would reconsider her situation and consult her dignity. Her enjoyment of her surroundings was, indeed, mixed with the uncomfortable thought that she was accepting the hospitality and seeking approval from people she had looked down on before. But she was becoming less sensitive about such things: a hard layer of indifference was quickly forming over her delicate feelings and sensitivities, and each concession to practicality hardened her exterior a little more.
On the Monday, when the party disbanded with uproarious adieux, the return to town threw into stronger relief the charms of the life she was leaving. The other guests were dispersing to take up the same existence in a different setting: some at Newport, some at Bar Harbour, some in the elaborate rusticity of an Adirondack camp. Even Gerty Farish, who welcomed Lily’s return with tender solicitude, would soon be preparing to join the aunt with whom she spent her summers on Lake George: only Lily herself remained without plan or purpose, stranded in a backwater of the great current of pleasure. But Carry Fisher, who had insisted on transporting her to her own house, where she herself was to perch for a day or two on the way to the Brys’ camp, came to the rescue with a new suggestion.
On Monday, when the party ended with loud goodbyes, going back to town made the charms of the life she was leaving stand out even more. The other guests were scattering to pick up the same lifestyle in different places: some were going to Newport, some to Bar Harbor, and some to the fancy rustic setting of an Adirondack camp. Even Gerty Farish, who welcomed Lily back with caring concern, would soon be getting ready to join her aunt, with whom she spent her summers at Lake George. Only Lily herself had no plans or purpose, stuck in a stagnant place while everyone else moved on to enjoy themselves. But Carry Fisher, who had insisted on taking Lily to her house—where she would stay for a day or two on her way to the Brys’ camp—came to the rescue with a new idea.
“Look here, Lily—I’ll tell you what it is: I want you to take my place with Mattie Gormer this summer. They’re taking a party out to Alaska next month in their private car, and Mattie, who is the laziest woman alive, wants me to go with them, and relieve her of the bother of arranging things; but the Brys want me too—oh, yes, we’ve made it up: didn’t I tell you?—and, to put it frankly, though I like the Gormers best, there’s more profit for me in the Brys. The fact is, they want to try Newport this summer, and if I can make it a success for them they—well, they’ll make it a success for me.” Mrs. Fisher clasped her hands enthusiastically. “Do you know, Lily, the more I think of my idea the better I like it—quite as much for you as for myself. The Gormers have both taken a tremendous fancy to you, and the trip to Alaska is—well—the very thing I should want for you just at present.”
“Listen, Lily—I’ll be straight with you: I want you to take my place with Mattie Gormer this summer. They’re taking a group to Alaska next month in their private car, and Mattie, who is the laziest woman alive, wants me to go with them to help her with the arrangements; but the Brys want me too—oh, yes, we’ve cleared that up: didn’t I tell you?—and to be honest, even though I like the Gormers more, there’s more profit for me with the Brys. The truth is, they want to try Newport this summer, and if I can make it work for them they—well, they’ll make it work for me.” Mrs. Fisher clasped her hands excitedly. “You know, Lily, the more I think about my idea, the more I like it—just as much for you as for me. The Gormers have both taken a strong liking to you, and the trip to Alaska is—well—the perfect thing for you right now.”
Miss Bart lifted her eyes with a keen glance. “To take me out of my friends’ way, you mean?” she said quietly; and Mrs. Fisher responded with a deprecating kiss: “To keep you out of their sight till they realize how much they miss you.”
Miss Bart lifted her eyes with a sharp glance. “You mean to keep me out of my friends' way?” she said quietly; and Mrs. Fisher replied with a dismissive kiss: “To keep you out of their sight until they understand how much they miss you.”
Miss Bart went with the Gormers to Alaska; and the expedition, if it did not produce the effect anticipated by her friend, had at least the negative advantage of removing her from the fiery centre of criticism and discussion. Gerty Farish had opposed the plan with all the energy of her somewhat inarticulate nature. She had even offered to give up her visit to Lake George, and remain in town with Miss Bart, if the latter would renounce her journey; but Lily could disguise her real distaste for this plan under a sufficiently valid reason.
Miss Bart went to Alaska with the Gormers; and while the trip didn't have the impact her friend had hoped for, it did at least keep her away from the intense scrutiny and gossip. Gerty Farish had protested the plan with all the energy her somewhat awkward nature could muster. She even offered to cancel her trip to Lake George and stay in the city with Miss Bart if Lily would cancel her journey; but Lily was able to mask her true dislike for that idea with a justifiable excuse.
“You dear innocent, don’t you see,” she protested, “that Carry is quite right, and that I must take up my usual life, and go about among people as much as possible? If my old friends choose to believe lies about me I shall have to make new ones, that’s all; and you know beggars mustn’t be choosers. Not that I don’t like Mattie Gormer—I DO like her: she’s kind and honest and unaffected; and don’t you suppose I feel grateful to her for making me welcome at a time when, as you’ve yourself seen, my own family have unanimously washed their hands of me?”
“You dear innocent, don’t you see,” she protested, “that Carry is completely right, and that I need to get back to my normal life and socialize with people as much as I can? If my old friends want to believe lies about me, I’ll just have to make new ones, that’s all; and you know beggars can’t be choosers. Not that I don’t like Mattie Gormer—I DO like her: she’s kind, honest, and genuine; and don’t you think I feel grateful to her for welcoming me at a time when, as you’ve seen for yourself, my own family has completely turned their backs on me?”
Gerty shook her head, mutely unconvinced. She felt not only that Lily was cheapening herself by making use of an intimacy she would never have cultivated from choice, but that, in drifting back now to her former manner of life, she was forfeiting her last chance of ever escaping from it. Gerty had but an obscure conception of what Lily’s actual experience had been: but its consequences had established a lasting hold on her pity since the memorable night when she had offered up her own secret hope to her friend’s extremity. To characters like Gerty’s such a sacrifice constitutes a moral claim on the part of the person in whose behalf it has been made. Having once helped Lily, she must continue to help her; and helping her, must believe in her, because faith is the main-spring of such natures. But even if Miss Bart, after her renewed taste of the amenities of life, could have returned to the barrenness of a New York August, mitigated only by poor Gerty’s presence, her worldly wisdom would have counselled her against such an act of abnegation. She knew that Carry Fisher was right: that an opportune absence might be the first step toward rehabilitation, and that, at any rate, to linger on in town out of season was a fatal admission of defeat. From the Gormers’ tumultuous progress across their native continent, she returned with an altered view of her situation. The renewed habit of luxury—the daily waking to an assured absence of care and presence of material ease—gradually blunted her appreciation of these values, and left her more conscious of the void they could not fill. Mattie Gormer’s undiscriminating good-nature, and the slap-dash sociability of her friends, who treated Lily precisely as they treated each other—all these characteristic notes of difference began to wear upon her endurance; and the more she saw to criticize in her companions, the less justification she found for making use of them. The longing to get back to her former surroundings hardened to a fixed idea; but with the strengthening of her purpose came the inevitable perception that, to attain it, she must exact fresh concessions from her pride. These, for the moment, took the unpleasant form of continuing to cling to her hosts after their return from Alaska. Little as she was in the key of their MILIEU, her immense social facility, her long habit of adapting herself to others without suffering her own outline to be blurred, the skilled manipulation of all the polished implements of her craft, had won for her an important place in the Gormer group. If their resonant hilarity could never be hers, she contributed a note of easy elegance more valuable to Mattie Gormer than the louder passages of the band. Sam Gormer and his special cronies stood indeed a little in awe of her; but Mattie’s following, headed by Paul Morpeth, made her feel that they prized her for the very qualities they most conspicuously lacked. If Morpeth, whose social indolence was as great as his artistic activity, had abandoned himself to the easy current of the Gormer existence, where the minor exactions of politeness were unknown or ignored, and a man could either break his engagements, or keep them in a painting-jacket and slippers, he still preserved his sense of differences, and his appreciation of graces he had no time to cultivate. During the preparations for the Brys’ TABLEAUX he had been immensely struck by Lily’s plastic possibilities—“not the face: too self-controlled for expression; but the rest of her—gad, what a model she’d make!”—and though his abhorrence of the world in which he had seen her was too great for him to think of seeking her there, he was fully alive to the privilege of having her to look at and listen to while he lounged in Mattie Gormer’s dishevelled drawing-room.
Gerty shook her head, silently not convinced. She felt that Lily was lowering herself by using a closeness that she would never have chosen, and that by drifting back to her old way of life, she was losing her last chance to escape it. Gerty had a vague idea of what Lily’s real experiences had been, but the impact of those experiences had taken a lasting grip on her sympathy ever since that memorable night when she had sacrificed her own secret hope for her friend's desperate situation. For someone like Gerty, such a sacrifice creates a moral obligation to help the person it was made for. Once she had helped Lily, she felt she had to keep helping her; and in helping her, she must believe in her, since faith is essential for people like her. Yet, even if Miss Bart, after enjoying the comforts of life again, could consider going back to the emptiness of a New York August, barely improved by Gerty’s company, her worldly wisdom would have advised her against that kind of self-denial. She understood Carry Fisher was correct: that a timely absence might be the first step towards recovery, and that, at the very least, staying in the city during the off-season was a disastrous acknowledgment of defeat. After witnessing the chaotic journey of the Gormers across the country, she returned with a different perspective on her situation. The new habit of luxury—the daily awakening to a carefree existence and material comforts—slowly dulled her appreciation of these things, making her more aware of the emptiness they could not fill. Mattie Gormer’s unrefined good-nature, along with the casual sociability of her friends, who treated Lily just like they treated one another—all these differences started to wear on her patience; and as she found more to criticize in her companions, she saw less reason to stay connected to them. The desire to return to her old environment became an obsession; but as her determination grew, she inevitably recognized that to achieve it, she would have to make new compromises with her pride. For now, these compromises took the unpleasant form of continuing to hold on to her hosts after they returned from Alaska. Although she didn’t completely fit into their social scene, her exceptional social skills, her long habit of adapting to others without losing her own identity, and her mastery of all the refined tools of her trade had earned her an important place in the Gormer group. While their loud joy might never resonate with her, she added a note of effortless elegance that was more valuable to Mattie Gormer than the louder contributions of the group. Sam Gormer and his close friends were somewhat in awe of her, but Mattie’s crew, led by Paul Morpeth, made her feel that they valued her for the qualities they lacked. If Morpeth, whose social laziness matched his artistic energy, had surrendered to the easy flow of Gormer life, where the small demands of etiquette were ignored, and a man could either break his obligations or fulfill them in a painting shirt and slippers, he still recognized distinctions and appreciated the graces he didn’t have time to develop. During the preparations for the Brys’ TABLEAUX, he had been struck by Lily’s potential as a model—“not the face: too self-controlled for emotion; but the rest of her—wow, what a model she’d be!”—and although he despised the world where he had seen her to the point of avoiding it, he fully appreciated the privilege of being able to look at her and listen to her while he lounged in Mattie Gormer’s messy living room.
Lily had thus formed, in the tumult of her surroundings, a little nucleus of friendly relations which mitigated the crudeness of her course in lingering with the Gormers after their return. Nor was she without pale glimpses of her own world, especially since the breaking up of the Newport season had set the social current once more toward Long Island. Kate Corby, whose tastes made her as promiscuous as Carry Fisher was rendered by her necessities, occasionally descended on the Gormers, where, after a first stare of surprise, she took Lily’s presence almost too much as a matter of course. Mrs. Fisher, too, appearing frequently in the neighbourhood, drove over to impart her experiences and give Lily what she called the latest report from the weather-bureau; and the latter, who had never directly invited her confidence, could yet talk with her more freely than with Gerty Farish, in whose presence it was impossible even to admit the existence of much that Mrs. Fisher conveniently took for granted.
Lily had created, amidst the chaos of her surroundings, a small circle of friendships that softened the awkwardness of her staying with the Gormers after their return. She also caught glimpses of her own world, especially since the end of the Newport season had shifted social activities back toward Long Island. Kate Corby, whose interests made her as open as Carry Fisher was due to her needs, would occasionally drop by the Gormers' place, where, after a moment of surprise, she accepted Lily's presence almost as if it were normal. Mrs. Fisher, who often showed up in the area, came by to share her experiences and give Lily what she called the latest updates from the social scene; and Lily, who had never directly asked for her insights, found it easier to talk to her than to Gerty Farish, with whom it was impossible to acknowledge much of what Mrs. Fisher casually accepted.
Mrs. Fisher, moreover, had no embarrassing curiosity. She did not wish to probe the inwardness of Lily’s situation, but simply to view it from the outside, and draw her conclusions accordingly; and these conclusions, at the end of a confidential talk, she summed up to her friend in the succinct remark: “You must marry as soon as you can.”
Mrs. Fisher also didn’t have any awkward curiosity. She didn’t want to dig into the details of Lily’s situation, but just looked at it from the outside and made her judgments based on that; and at the end of a private conversation, she summarized her thoughts for her friend with the brief comment: “You need to get married as soon as you can.”
Lily uttered a faint laugh—for once Mrs. Fisher lacked originality. “Do you mean, like Gerty Farish, to recommend the unfailing panacea of ‘a good man’s love’?”
Lily let out a slight laugh—this time Mrs. Fisher was being unoriginal. “Are you suggesting, like Gerty Farish, that the ultimate solution is ‘a good man’s love’?”
“No—I don’t think either of my candidates would answer to that description,” said Mrs. Fisher after a pause of reflection.
“No—I don’t think either of my candidates would fit that description,” said Mrs. Fisher after a moment of thinking.
“Either? Are there actually two?”
"Either? Are there really two?"
“Well, perhaps I ought to say one and a half—for the moment.”
"Well, maybe I should say one and a half—for now."
Miss Bart received this with increasing amusement. “Other things being equal, I think I should prefer a half-husband: who is he?”
Miss Bart took this with growing amusement. “Given the choice, I think I’d prefer a half-husband: who is he?”
“Don’t fly out at me till you hear my reasons—George Dorset.”
“Don’t attack me until you hear my reasons—George Dorset.”
“Oh——” Lily murmured reproachfully; but Mrs. Fisher pressed on unrebuffed. “Well, why not? They had a few weeks’ honeymoon when they first got back from Europe, but now things are going badly with them again. Bertha has been behaving more than ever like a madwoman, and George’s powers of credulity are very nearly exhausted. They’re at their place here, you know, and I spent last Sunday with them. It was a ghastly party—no one else but poor Neddy Silverton, who looks like a galley-slave (they used to talk of my making that poor boy unhappy!)—and after luncheon George carried me off on a long walk, and told me the end would have to come soon.”
“Oh——” Lily said, sounding disapproving; but Mrs. Fisher kept going, undeterred. “Well, why shouldn’t I? They had a short honeymoon right after they got back from Europe, but now they’re struggling again. Bertha has been acting crazier than ever, and George is almost at the end of his patience. They’re at their place here, you know, and I spent last Sunday with them. It was a dreadful party—only poor Neddy Silverton was there, who looks like he’s been through the wringer (they used to say I’d make that poor boy miserable!)—and after lunch, George took me on a long walk and said that their ending will have to come soon.”
Miss Bart made an incredulous gesture. “As far as that goes, the end will never come—Bertha will always know how to get him back when she wants him.”
Miss Bart made a skeptical gesture. “As far as that goes, it will never end—Bertha will always know how to win him back whenever she wants.”
Mrs. Fisher continued to observe her tentatively. “Not if he has any one else to turn to! Yes—that’s just what it comes to: the poor creature can’t stand alone. And I remember him such a good fellow, full of life and enthusiasm.” She paused, and went on, dropping her glance from Lily’s: “He wouldn’t stay with her ten minutes if he KNEW——”
Mrs. Fisher kept watching her cautiously. “Not if he has anyone else to rely on! Yeah—that’s exactly what it boils down to: the poor guy can’t stand on his own. I remember him as such a great guy, full of life and energy.” She paused, then continued, lowering her gaze from Lily’s: “He wouldn’t stick around for ten minutes if he KNEW——”
“Knew——?” Miss Bart repeated.
"Knew—?" Miss Bart repeated.
“What YOU must, for instance—with the opportunities you’ve had! If he had positive proof, I mean——”
“What YOU must, for example—with the opportunities you’ve had! If he had solid proof, I mean——”
Lily interrupted her with a deep blush of displeasure. “Please let us drop the subject, Carry: it’s too odious to me.” And to divert her companion’s attention she added, with an attempt at lightness: “And your second candidate? We must not forget him.”
Lily cut her off, her face flushed with annoyance. “Can we please change the subject, Carry? It's too distasteful for me.” And to divert her friend's attention, she added, trying to sound casual, “What about your second candidate? We can't forget about him.”
Mrs. Fisher echoed her laugh. “I wonder if you’ll cry out just as loud if I say—Sim Rosedale?”
Mrs. Fisher laughed again. “I wonder if you’ll shout just as loud if I say—Sim Rosedale?”
Miss Bart did not cry out: she sat silent, gazing thoughtfully at her friend. The suggestion, in truth, gave expression to a possibility which, in the last weeks, had more than once recurred to her; but after a moment she said carelessly: “Mr. Rosedale wants a wife who can establish him in the bosom of the Van Osburghs and Trenors.”
Miss Bart didn't cry out; she sat silent, looking thoughtfully at her friend. The suggestion actually voiced a possibility that had crossed her mind several times in the last few weeks; but after a moment, she said nonchalantly, “Mr. Rosedale wants a wife who can help him get into the inner circle of the Van Osburghs and Trenors.”
Mrs. Fisher caught her up eagerly. “And so YOU could—with his money! Don’t you see how beautifully it would work out for you both?”
Mrs. Fisher quickly caught up with her. “And so YOU could—with his money! Don’t you see how perfectly it would all work out for you both?”
“I don’t see any way of making him see it,” Lily returned, with a laugh intended to dismiss the subject.
“I can’t see any way to make him understand it,” Lily replied with a laugh meant to brush off the topic.
But in reality it lingered with her long after Mrs. Fisher had taken leave. She had seen very little of Rosedale since her annexation by the Gormers, for he was still steadily bent on penetrating to the inner Paradise from which she was now excluded; but once or twice, when nothing better offered, he had turned up for a Sunday, and on these occasions he had left her in no doubt as to his view of her situation. That he still admired her was, more than ever, offensively evident; for in the Gormer circle, where he expanded as in his native element, there were no puzzling conventions to check the full expression of his approval. But it was in the quality of his admiration that she read his shrewd estimate of her case. He enjoyed letting the Gormers see that he had known “Miss Lily”—she was “Miss Lily” to him now—before they had had the faintest social existence: enjoyed more especially impressing Paul Morpeth with the distance to which their intimacy dated back. But he let it be felt that that intimacy was a mere ripple on the surface of a rushing social current, the kind of relaxation which a man of large interests and manifold preoccupations permits himself in his hours of ease.
But in reality, it stayed with her long after Mrs. Fisher had left. She had seen very little of Rosedale since she had become part of the Gormers, as he was still determined to break into the inner circle from which she was now excluded. However, once or twice, when nothing better came up, he showed up on a Sunday, and during these visits, he made it clear how he viewed her situation. His admiration for her was, more than ever, obviously irritating; in the Gormer circle, where he thrived like it was his natural habitat, there were no confusing social rules to hold back his full expression of approval. But it was the nature of his admiration that revealed his keen assessment of her situation. He liked to let the Gormers know that he had known “Miss Lily”—she was “Miss Lily” to him now—before they had any social standing at all. He particularly enjoyed impressing Paul Morpeth with how long their familiarity went back. But he made it clear that their closeness was just a minor distraction on the surface of a fast-moving social current, the kind of casual connection a man with significant interests and many concerns allows himself during his downtime.
The necessity of accepting this view of their past relation, and of meeting it in the key of pleasantry prevalent among her new friends, was deeply humiliating to Lily. But she dared less than ever to quarrel with Rosedale. She suspected that her rejection rankled among the most unforgettable of his rebuffs, and the fact that he knew something of her wretched transaction with Trenor, and was sure to put the basest construction on it, seemed to place her hopelessly in his power. Yet at Carry Fisher’s suggestion a new hope had stirred in her. Much as she disliked Rosedale, she no longer absolutely despised him. For he was gradually attaining his object in life, and that, to Lily, was always less despicable than to miss it. With the slow unalterable persistency which she had always felt in him, he was making his way through the dense mass of social antagonisms. Already his wealth, and the masterly use he had made of it, were giving him an enviable prominence in the world of affairs, and placing Wall Street under obligations which only Fifth Avenue could repay. In response to these claims, his name began to figure on municipal committees and charitable boards; he appeared at banquets to distinguished strangers, and his candidacy at one of the fashionable clubs was discussed with diminishing opposition. He had figured once or twice at the Trenor dinners, and had learned to speak with just the right note of disdain of the big Van Osburgh crushes; and all he now needed was a wife whose affiliations would shorten the last tedious steps of his ascent. It was with that object that, a year earlier, he had fixed his affections on Miss Bart; but in the interval he had mounted nearer to the goal, while she had lost the power to abbreviate the remaining steps of the way. All this she saw with the clearness of vision that came to her in moments of despondency. It was success that dazzled her—she could distinguish facts plainly enough in the twilight of failure. And the twilight, as she now sought to pierce it, was gradually lighted by a faint spark of reassurance. Under the utilitarian motive of Rosedale’s wooing she had felt, clearly enough, the heat of personal inclination. She would not have detested him so heartily had she not known that he dared to admire her. What, then, if the passion persisted, though the other motive had ceased to sustain it? She had never even tried to please him—he had been drawn to her in spite of her manifest disdain. What if she now chose to exert the power which, even in its passive state, he had felt so strongly? What if she made him marry her for love, now that he had no other reason for marrying her?
The need to accept this view of their past relationship and to approach it with the lightheartedness that her new friends embraced was extremely humiliating for Lily. But she felt even less inclined to confront Rosedale. She suspected that her rejection still stung among the most memorable of his rebuffs, and since he knew about her miserable dealings with Trenor, she felt completely at his mercy. Yet, at Carry Fisher’s suggestion, a new sense of hope had emerged within her. As much as she disliked Rosedale, she no longer completely despised him. He was gradually achieving his goals in life, which Lily found less despicable than failing to do so. With the same slow, unwavering persistence she had always recognized in him, he was navigating through the tangled web of social conflicts. His wealth and the masterful way he had used it were already giving him a notable presence in the world of business, earning him favors from Wall Street that only Fifth Avenue could repay. In response, his name began to appear on municipal committees and charitable boards; he attended dinners for distinguished guests, and his candidacy at one of the exclusive clubs met with diminishing resistance. He had appeared once or twice at the Trenor dinners and learned to express just the right amount of disdain for the big Van Osburgh parties; now all he needed was a wife whose connections would help him smoothly climb the remaining steps to success. It was with that goal in mind that a year earlier he had become interested in Miss Bart; but during that time, he had progressed closer to his goal, while she had lost her ability to simplify the last steps of the journey. She saw all of this with the clarity that came to her during moments of despair. It was success that dazzled her—she could spot the facts clearly enough in the dimness of failure. And now, as she sought to see beyond that dimness, a faint spark of reassurance began to shine through. Beneath the practical motive driving Rosedale’s courtship, she clearly felt a genuine personal attraction. She wouldn't have detested him so much if she didn't know that he dared to admire her. So what if his feelings persisted even after the other motive had faded? She had never even tried to please him—he had been drawn to her despite her obvious disdain. What if she now decided to wield the power that, even in its passive form, he had sensed so intensely? What if she made him marry her for love, now that he had no other reason to marry her?
Chapter 6
As became persons of their rising consequence, the Gormers were engaged in building a country-house on Long Island; and it was a part of Miss Bart’s duty to attend her hostess on frequent visits of inspection to the new estate. There, while Mrs. Gormer plunged into problems of lighting and sanitation, Lily had leisure to wander, in the bright autumn air, along the tree-fringed bay to which the land declined. Little as she was addicted to solitude, there had come to be moments when it seemed a welcome escape from the empty noises of her life. She was weary of being swept passively along a current of pleasure and business in which she had no share; weary of seeing other people pursue amusement and squander money, while she felt herself of no more account among them than an expensive toy in the hands of a spoiled child.
As the Gormers became more significant in society, they started building a country house on Long Island. It was part of Miss Bart’s responsibilities to join her hostess on regular visits to check on the new property. While Mrs. Gormer got caught up in issues like lighting and sanitation, Lily had time to stroll through the bright autumn air along the tree-lined bay that sloped down to the water. Although she didn't usually enjoy being alone, there were moments when it felt like a welcome escape from the hollow distractions of her life. She was tired of being carried along in a flow of pleasure and business that she had no part in; tired of watching others seek entertainment and waste money while she felt as insignificant as a luxury toy in the hands of a spoiled child.
It was in this frame of mind that, striking back from the shore one morning into the windings of an unfamiliar lane, she came suddenly upon the figure of George Dorset. The Dorset place was in the immediate neighbourhood of the Gormers’ newly-acquired estate, and in her motor-flights thither with Mrs. Gormer, Lily had caught one or two passing glimpses of the couple; but they moved in so different an orbit that she had not considered the possibility of a direct encounter.
It was with this mindset that, venturing away from the shore one morning into the twists of an unfamiliar lane, she unexpectedly ran into George Dorset. The Dorset estate was nearby the Gormers’ newly-acquired property, and during her car rides there with Mrs. Gormer, Lily had caught a couple of brief glimpses of the couple; however, they operated in such different circles that she hadn’t thought it possible to meet them directly.
Dorset, swinging along with bent head, in moody abstraction, did not see Miss Bart till he was close upon her; but the sight, instead of bringing him to a halt, as she had half-expected, sent him toward her with an eagerness which found expression in his opening words.
Dorset, walking with his head down in deep thought, didn’t notice Miss Bart until he was almost right beside her. But instead of stopping, as she had half-expected, he approached her with an eagerness that showed in his first words.
“Miss Bart!—You’ll shake hands, won’t you? I’ve been hoping to meet you—I should have written to you if I’d dared.” His face, with its tossed red hair and straggling moustache, had a driven uneasy look, as though life had become an unceasing race between himself and the thoughts at his heels.
“Miss Bart!—You will shake hands, right? I’ve been wanting to meet you—I would have written if I had the courage.” His face, with its messy red hair and scruffy mustache, had a restless look, as if life had turned into a nonstop race between him and the thoughts chasing after him.
The look drew a word of compassionate greeting from Lily, and he pressed on, as if encouraged by her tone: “I wanted to apologize—to ask you to forgive me for the miserable part I played——”
The look got a kind greeting from Lily, and he continued, as if his tone encouraged him: “I wanted to apologize—to ask you to forgive me for the awful role I played——”
She checked him with a quick gesture. “Don’t let us speak of it: I was very sorry for you,” she said, with a tinge of disdain which, as she instantly perceived, was not lost on him.
She stopped him with a quick motion. “Let’s not talk about it: I felt really sorry for you,” she said, with a hint of disdain that, as she immediately noticed, didn't go unnoticed by him.
He flushed to his haggard eyes, flushed so cruelly that she repented the thrust. “You might well be; you don’t know—you must let me explain. I was deceived: abominably deceived——”
He turned red in his tired eyes, red in such a harsh way that she felt sorry for what she said. “You could be right; you don’t understand—you have to let me explain. I was misled: terribly misled——”
“I am still more sorry for you, then,” she interposed, without irony; “but you must see that I am not exactly the person with whom the subject can be discussed.”
“I feel even more sorry for you,” she interrupted, sincerely; “but you have to understand that I'm not really the right person to talk about this.”
He met this with a look of genuine wonder. “Why not? Isn’t it to you, of all people, that I owe an explanation——”
He responded with a look of real surprise. “Why not? Isn’t it you, of all people, that I owe an explanation to——”
“No explanation is necessary: the situation was perfectly clear to me.”
“No explanation is needed: the situation was completely clear to me.”
“Ah——” he murmured, his head drooping again, and his irresolute hand switching at the underbrush along the lane. But as Lily made a movement to pass on, he broke out with fresh vehemence: “Miss Bart, for God’s sake don’t turn from me! We used to be good friends—you were always kind to me—and you don’t know how I need a friend now.”
“Ah—” he sighed, his head hanging again, and his unsure hand brushing against the underbrush along the path. But as Lily moved to walk away, he exclaimed with renewed intensity: “Miss Bart, please don’t walk away from me! We used to be good friends—you were always so nice to me—and you have no idea how much I need a friend right now.”
The lamentable weakness of the words roused a motion of pity in Lily’s breast. She too needed friends—she had tasted the pang of loneliness; and her resentment of Bertha Dorset’s cruelty softened her heart to the poor wretch who was after all the chief of Bertha’s victims.
The sad weakness of the words stirred a feeling of pity in Lily. She also needed friends—she had felt the sting of loneliness; and her anger towards Bertha Dorset’s cruelty made her heart go out to the poor soul who was, after all, the main target of Bertha’s actions.
“I still wish to be kind; I feel no ill-will toward you,” she said. “But you must understand that after what has happened we can’t be friends again—we can’t see each other.”
“I still want to be kind; I have no bad feelings toward you,” she said. “But you need to understand that after what happened, we can’t be friends again—we can’t see each other.”
“Ah, you ARE kind—you’re merciful—you always were!” He fixed his miserable gaze on her. “But why can’t we be friends—why not, when I’ve repented in dust and ashes? Isn’t it hard that you should condemn me to suffer for the falseness, the treachery of others? I was punished enough at the time—is there to be no respite for me?”
“Ah, you are kind—you’re compassionate—you always have been!” He turned his sorrowful gaze towards her. “But why can’t we be friends? Why not, when I’ve truly repented? Isn’t it unfair that you should make me suffer for the lies and betrayal of others? I was punished enough then—will there be no relief for me?”
“I should have thought you had found complete respite in the reconciliation which was effected at my expense,” Lily began, with renewed impatience; but he broke in imploringly: “Don’t put it in that way—when that’s been the worst of my punishment. My God! what could I do—wasn’t I powerless? You were singled out as a sacrifice: any word I might have said would have been turned against you——”
“I thought you would have found total relief in the reconciliation that happened at my expense,” Lily started, with growing frustration; but he interrupted desperately: “Don’t frame it like that—that’s been the hardest part of my punishment. My God! what could I do—I was totally powerless? You were chosen as a sacrifice: anything I said would have been used against you——”
“I have told you I don’t blame you; all I ask you to understand is that, after the use Bertha chose to make of me—after all that her behaviour has since implied—it’s impossible that you and I should meet.”
“I’ve told you I don’t blame you; all I ask is that you understand that, after what Bertha chose to do with me—after everything her behavior has suggested since—it's impossible for us to meet.”
He continued to stand before her, in his dogged weakness. “Is it—need it be? Mightn’t there be circumstances——?” he checked himself, slashing at the wayside weeds in a wider radius. Then he began again: “Miss Bart, listen—give me a minute. If we’re not to meet again, at least let me have a hearing now. You say we can’t be friends after—after what has happened. But can’t I at least appeal to your pity? Can’t I move you if I ask you to think of me as a prisoner—a prisoner you alone can set free?”
He kept standing in front of her, caught in his stubborn weakness. “Does it have to be this way? Couldn’t there be some circumstances—?” He stopped himself, angrily swiping at the weeds around him. Then he tried again: “Miss Bart, listen—just give me a minute. If we won’t see each other again, at least let me speak my piece now. You say we can’t be friends after—after everything that’s happened. But can’t I at least ask for your sympathy? Can’t I reach you if I ask you to see me as a prisoner—a prisoner only you can set free?”
Lily’s inward start betrayed itself in a quick blush: was it possible that this was really the sense of Carry Fisher’s adumbrations?
Lily’s sudden shock showed in a quick blush: could it be that this was truly what Carry Fisher meant by her hints?
“I can’t see how I can possibly be of any help to you,” she murmured, drawing back a little from the mounting excitement of his look.
"I can't see how I can possibly help you," she whispered, pulling back slightly from the growing excitement in his gaze.
Her tone seemed to sober him, as it had so often done in his stormiest moments. The stubborn lines of his face relaxed, and he said, with an abrupt drop to docility: “You WOULD see, if you’d be as merciful as you used to be: and heaven knows I’ve never needed it more!”
Her tone seemed to calm him down, just like it often had during his toughest moments. The stubborn lines on his face softened, and he said, with a sudden shift to being more compliant: “You WOULD understand if you’d show the mercy you used to: and honestly, I’ve never needed it more!”
She paused a moment, moved in spite of herself by this reminder of her influence over him. Her fibres had been softened by suffering, and the sudden glimpse into his mocked and broken life disarmed her contempt for his weakness.
She paused for a moment, touched despite herself by this reminder of her influence over him. Her heart had been softened by her own struggles, and the sudden insight into his ridiculed and shattered life changed her view of his weakness.
“I am very sorry for you—I would help you willingly; but you must have other friends, other advisers.”
“I really feel for you—I would help you gladly; but you need to have other friends, other advisors.”
“I never had a friend like you,” he answered simply. “And besides—can’t you see?—you’re the only person”—his voice dropped to a whisper—“the only person who knows.”
“I’ve never had a friend like you,” he replied straightforwardly. “And besides—can’t you see?—you’re the only one”—his voice lowered to a whisper—“the only one who knows.”
Again she felt her colour change; again her heart rose in precipitate throbs to meet what she felt was coming. He lifted his eyes to her entreatingly. “You do see, don’t you? You understand? I’m desperate—I’m at the end of my tether. I want to be free, and you can free me. I know you can. You don’t want to keep me bound fast in hell, do you? You can’t want to take such a vengeance as that. You were always kind—your eyes are kind now. You say you’re sorry for me. Well, it rests with you to show it; and heaven knows there’s nothing to keep you back. You understand, of course—there wouldn’t be a hint of publicity—not a sound or a syllable to connect you with the thing. It would never come to that, you know: all I need is to be able to say definitely: ‘I know this—and this—and this’—and the fight would drop, and the way be cleared, and the whole abominable business swept out of sight in a second.”
Again she felt her face flush; again her heart raced as she anticipated what was about to happen. He looked at her pleadingly. “You see it, don’t you? You understand? I’m desperate—I’m at my breaking point. I want to be free, and you can help me do that. I know you can. You don’t want to keep me trapped in misery, do you? You can’t want to take such revenge. You’ve always been kind—your eyes are kind now. You say you feel sorry for me. Well, it’s up to you to prove it; and honestly, there’s nothing holding you back. You understand, of course—there wouldn’t be any hint of publicity—not a sound or a word to link you to this. It would never come to that, you know: all I need is to be able to say for sure: ‘I know this—and this—and this’—and then the conflict would end, and the path would be clear, and the whole horrible situation would be erased in an instant.”
He spoke pantingly, like a tired runner, with breaks of exhaustion between his words; and through the breaks she caught, as through the shifting rents of a fog, great golden vistas of peace and safety. For there was no mistaking the definite intention behind his vague appeal; she could have filled up the blanks without the help of Mrs. Fisher’s insinuations. Here was a man who turned to her in the extremity of his loneliness and his humiliation: if she came to him at such a moment he would be hers with all the force of his deluded faith. And the power to make him so lay in her hand—lay there in a completeness he could not even remotely conjecture. Revenge and rehabilitation might be hers at a stroke—there was something dazzling in the completeness of the opportunity.
He spoke breathlessly, like a exhausted runner, pausing frequently to catch his breath; and during those pauses, she glimpsed, like through the shifting parts of a fog, vast golden landscapes of peace and security. There was no doubt about the clear intention behind his vague plea; she could fill in the gaps without needing Mrs. Fisher’s suggestions. Here was a man who turned to her in his deepest loneliness and humiliation: if she went to him in that moment, he would be hers with all the strength of his misguided belief. The power to make that happen was in her hands—entirely in a way he couldn't even begin to imagine. Revenge and redemption could be hers in an instant—there was something stunning about the totality of the opportunity.
She stood silent, gazing away from him down the autumnal stretch of the deserted lane. And suddenly fear possessed her—fear of herself, and of the terrible force of the temptation. All her past weaknesses were like so many eager accomplices drawing her toward the path their feet had already smoothed. She turned quickly, and held out her hand to Dorset.
She stood quietly, staring down the empty autumn lane away from him. Then, all of a sudden, fear took over her—fear of herself and the overwhelming pull of temptation. All her past weaknesses felt like eager partners urging her toward the path they had already made easy. She turned quickly and reached out her hand toward Dorset.
“Goodbye—I’m sorry; there’s nothing in the world that I can do.”
“Goodbye—I’m sorry; there’s nothing I can do.”
“Nothing? Ah, don’t say that,” he cried; “say what’s true: that you abandon me like the others. You, the only creature who could have saved me!”
“Nothing? Oh, don't say that,” he exclaimed; “say what’s real: that you’re leaving me like the rest. You, the only one who could have rescued me!”
“Goodbye—goodbye,” she repeated hurriedly; and as she moved away she heard him cry out on a last note of entreaty: “At least you’ll let me see you once more?”
“Goodbye—goodbye,” she said quickly; and as she walked away, she heard him call out one last time in desperation: “At least you’ll let me see you again?”
Lily, on regaining the Gormer grounds, struck rapidly across the lawn toward the unfinished house, where she fancied that her hostess might be speculating, not too resignedly, on the cause of her delay; for, like many unpunctual persons, Mrs. Gormer disliked to be kept waiting.
Lily, once back on the Gormer property, hurried across the lawn toward the unfinished house, thinking that her hostess might be wondering, not too patiently, about why she was late; because, like many people who are often late, Mrs. Gormer hated being left waiting.
As Miss Bart reached the avenue, however, she saw a smart phaeton with a high-stepping pair disappear behind the shrubbery in the direction of the gate; and on the doorstep stood Mrs. Gormer, with a glow of retrospective pleasure on her open countenance. At sight of Lily the glow deepened to an embarrassed red, and she said with a slight laugh: “Did you see my visitor? Oh, I thought you came back by the avenue. It was Mrs. George Dorset—she said she’d dropped in to make a neighbourly call.”
As Miss Bart got to the avenue, she noticed a stylish carriage with a high-stepping pair of horses vanish behind the bushes heading toward the gate; on the doorstep stood Mrs. Gormer, her face lighting up with a look of pleasant nostalgia. When she saw Lily, the smile turned into an embarrassed flush, and she said with a little laugh, “Did you see my visitor? Oh, I thought you took the avenue back. It was Mrs. George Dorset—she said she’d stopped by for a friendly visit.”
Lily met the announcement with her usual composure, though her experience of Bertha’s idiosyncrasies would not have led her to include the neighbourly instinct among them; and Mrs. Gormer, relieved to see that she gave no sign of surprise, went on with a deprecating laugh: “Of course what really brought her was curiosity—she made me take her all over the house. But no one could have been nicer—no airs, you know, and so good-natured: I can quite see why people think her so fascinating.”
Lily faced the announcement with her usual calm, even though her experience with Bertha’s quirks wouldn’t have made her think to include a neighborly instinct as one of them. Mrs. Gormer, relieved to see that Lily didn’t show any surprise, continued with a modest laugh: “Honestly, what really brought her here was curiosity—she insisted I show her around the house. But she was so pleasant—no pretenses, you know, and very good-natured: I can totally understand why people find her so captivating.”
This surprising event, coinciding too completely with her meeting with Dorset to be regarded as contingent upon it, had yet immediately struck Lily with a vague sense of foreboding. It was not in Bertha’s habits to be neighbourly, much less to make advances to any one outside the immediate circle of her affinities. She had always consistently ignored the world of outer aspirants, or had recognized its individual members only when prompted by motives of self-interest; and the very capriciousness of her condescensions had, as Lily was aware, given them special value in the eyes of the persons she distinguished. Lily saw this now in Mrs. Gormer’s unconcealable complacency, and in the happy irrelevance with which, for the next day or two, she quoted Bertha’s opinions and speculated on the origin of her gown. All the secret ambitions which Mrs. Gormer’s native indolence, and the attitude of her companions, kept in habitual abeyance, were now germinating afresh in the glow of Bertha’s advances; and whatever the cause of the latter, Lily saw that, if they were followed up, they were likely to have a disturbing effect upon her own future.
This surprising event, happening right after her meeting with Dorset to be considered a coincidence, immediately filled Lily with a vague sense of unease. Bertha was not known for being friendly, let alone reaching out to anyone outside her close circle. She had always ignored the outside world or acknowledged its individuals only when it served her interests; and the very unpredictability of her attention, as Lily understood, made it especially significant to those she chose to recognize. Lily observed this in Mrs. Gormer’s obvious satisfaction, and in the irrelevant way she quoted Bertha’s opinions and speculated about the origins of her dress over the next couple of days. All the hidden ambitions that Mrs. Gormer’s natural laziness and the attitudes of her peers normally suppressed were now being revived in the warmth of Bertha's attention; and regardless of the reasons for this, Lily realized that if these advances continued, they would likely disturb her own future.
She had arranged to break the length of her stay with her new friends by one or two visits to other acquaintances as recent; and on her return from this somewhat depressing excursion she was immediately conscious that Mrs. Dorset’s influence was still in the air. There had been another exchange of visits, a tea at a country-club, an encounter at a hunt ball; there was even a rumour of an approaching dinner, which Mattie Gormer, with an unnatural effort at discretion, tried to smuggle out of the conversation whenever Miss Bart took part in it.
She planned to shorten her stay with her new friends by making one or two visits to some other acquaintances recently; and when she got back from this somewhat dull trip, she immediately felt Mrs. Dorset’s influence was still lingering. There had been another round of visits, a tea at a country club, an encounter at a hunt ball; there was even a rumor of an upcoming dinner, which Mattie Gormer, trying unusually hard to be discreet, tried to steer away from the conversation whenever Miss Bart joined in.
The latter had already planned to return to town after a farewell Sunday with her friends; and, with Gerty Farish’s aid, had discovered a small private hotel where she might establish herself for the winter. The hotel being on the edge of a fashionable neighbourhood, the price of the few square feet she was to occupy was considerably in excess of her means; but she found a justification for her dislike of poorer quarters in the argument that, at this particular juncture, it was of the utmost importance to keep up a show of prosperity. In reality, it was impossible for her, while she had the means to pay her way for a week ahead, to lapse into a form of existence like Gerty Farish’s. She had never been so near the brink of insolvency; but she could at least manage to meet her weekly hotel bill, and having settled the heaviest of her previous debts out of the money she had received from Trenor, she had a still fair margin of credit to go upon. The situation, however, was not agreeable enough to lull her to complete unconsciousness of its insecurity. Her rooms, with their cramped outlook down a sallow vista of brick walls and fire-escapes, her lonely meals in the dark restaurant with its surcharged ceiling and haunting smell of coffee—all these material discomforts, which were yet to be accounted as so many privileges soon to be withdrawn, kept constantly before her the disadvantages of her state; and her mind reverted the more insistently to Mrs. Fisher’s counsels. Beat about the question as she would, she knew the outcome of it was that she must try to marry Rosedale; and in this conviction she was fortified by an unexpected visit from George Dorset.
She had already planned to head back to town after a farewell Sunday with her friends, and with Gerty Farish’s help, found a small private hotel where she could settle in for the winter. The hotel was located on the edge of a trendy neighborhood, so the cost of the small space she would occupy was well beyond her budget. However, she justified her aversion to cheaper options by arguing that it was crucial to maintain an appearance of success at this time. In reality, it felt impossible for her to slip into a lifestyle like Gerty Farish’s, despite being close to running out of money. While she could afford her hotel for the next week, she had just enough credit left after paying off the bulk of her past debts with the money she received from Trenor. Still, the situation was unsettling enough to prevent her from completely ignoring how precarious it was. Her rooms looked out onto a gloomy scene of brick walls and fire escapes, her solitary meals in the dim restaurant with its low ceiling and lingering coffee smell—all these physical discomforts, soon to be taken away, constantly reminded her of her struggles. This made her think more seriously about Mrs. Fisher’s advice. No matter how she tried to avoid it, she knew the only solution was to try to marry Rosedale, and this belief was reinforced by an unexpected visit from George Dorset.
She found him, on the first Sunday after her return to town, pacing her narrow sitting-room to the imminent peril of the few knick-knacks with which she had tried to disguise its plush exuberances; but the sight of her seemed to quiet him, and he said meekly that he hadn’t come to bother her—that he asked only to be allowed to sit for half an hour and talk of anything she liked. In reality, as she knew, he had but one subject: himself and his wretchedness; and it was the need of her sympathy that had drawn him back. But he began with a pretence of questioning her about herself, and as she replied, she saw that, for the first time, a faint realization of her plight penetrated the dense surface of his self-absorption. Was it possible that her old beast of an aunt had actually cut her off? That she was living alone like this because there was no one else for her to go to, and that she really hadn’t more than enough to keep alive on till the wretched little legacy was paid? The fibres of sympathy were nearly atrophied in him, but he was suffering so intensely that he had a faint glimpse of what other sufferings might mean—and, as she perceived, an almost simultaneous perception of the way in which her particular misfortunes might serve him.
She found him, on the first Sunday after she returned to town, pacing her cramped living room, putting her few decorative items at risk; but seeing her seemed to calm him down, and he said quietly that he hadn’t come to annoy her—that he only wanted to sit for half an hour and talk about anything she wanted. In reality, as she knew, he had just one topic: himself and his misery; and it was his need for her sympathy that had brought him back. But he started with a pretense of asking her about her life, and as she answered, she noticed that, for the first time, a faint realization of her situation pierced through his deep self-absorption. Could it be that her old nag of an aunt had actually cut her off? That she was living alone like this because there was nowhere else for her to go, and that she really didn’t have more than enough to survive on until the miserable little inheritance was paid? The ability to empathize was nearly gone in him, but he was suffering so much that he had a slight understanding of what other people’s pain might mean—and, as she noticed, an almost simultaneous recognition of how her specific troubles might benefit him.
When at length she dismissed him, on the pretext that she must dress for dinner, he lingered entreatingly on the threshold to blurt out: “It’s been such a comfort—do say you’ll let me see you again—” But to this direct appeal it was impossible to give an assent; and she said with friendly decisiveness: “I’m sorry—but you know why I can’t.”
When she finally sent him away, saying she needed to get ready for dinner, he hesitated at the door and blurted out, “It’s been such a comfort—please say you’ll let me see you again—” But it was impossible to agree to such a straightforward request, so she replied firmly but kindly, “I’m sorry—but you know why I can’t.”
He coloured to the eyes, pushed the door shut, and stood before her embarrassed but insistent. “I know how you might, if you would—if things were different—and it lies with you to make them so. It’s just a word to say, and you put me out of my misery!”
He blushed, shut the door, and stood in front of her, embarrassed but determined. “I know how you might feel, if you wanted to—if things were different—and it’s up to you to make that happen. It’s just a word to say, and it would really help me out!”
Their eyes met, and for a second she trembled again with the nearness of the temptation. “You’re mistaken; I know nothing; I saw nothing,” she exclaimed, striving, by sheer force of reiteration, to build a barrier between herself and her peril; and as he turned away, groaning out “You sacrifice us both,” she continued to repeat, as if it were a charm: “I know nothing—absolutely nothing.”
Their eyes locked, and for a moment she felt that familiar thrill of temptation. “You’re wrong; I don’t know anything; I didn’t see anything,” she said, trying hard to convince herself and create a wall between her and the danger; as he turned away, moaning, “You’re dooming us both,” she kept repeating, almost like a mantra: “I know nothing—absolutely nothing.”
Lily had seen little of Rosedale since her illuminating talk with Mrs. Fisher, but on the two or three occasions when they had met she was conscious of having distinctly advanced in his favour. There could be no doubt that he admired her as much as ever, and she believed it rested with herself to raise his admiration to the point where it should bear down the lingering counsels of expediency. The task was not an easy one; but neither was it easy, in her long sleepless nights, to face the thought of what George Dorset was so clearly ready to offer. Baseness for baseness, she hated the other least: there were even moments when a marriage with Rosedale seemed the only honourable solution of her difficulties. She did not indeed let her imagination range beyond the day of plighting: after that everything faded into a haze of material well-being, in which the personality of her benefactor remained mercifully vague. She had learned, in her long vigils, that there were certain things not good to think of, certain midnight images that must at any cost be exorcised—and one of these was the image of herself as Rosedale’s wife.
Lily hadn't seen much of Rosedale since her eye-opening conversation with Mrs. Fisher, but on the few occasions they had met, she felt that she had made some progress in winning him over. There was no doubt that he admired her just as much as before, and she believed it was up to her to elevate his admiration to a level that could overshadow the lingering advice of practicality. The challenge was tough; however, it was just as hard during her long sleepless nights to confront what George Dorset was clearly prepared to offer. In terms of moral failings, she despised the other option less: there were even times when marrying Rosedale seemed like the only honorable way out of her troubles. She didn't let herself think beyond the day of the engagement; after that, everything faded into a blur of financial stability, where her benefactor's identity remained conveniently vague. Through her long nights of reflection, she had realized that there were some thoughts best avoided, certain late-night visions that needed to be kept away at all costs—and one of those visions was the image of herself as Rosedale’s wife.
Carry Fisher, on the strength, as she frankly owned, of the Brys’ Newport success, had taken for the autumn months a small house at Tuxedo; and thither Lily was bound on the Sunday after Dorset’s visit. Though it was nearly dinner-time when she arrived, her hostess was still out, and the firelit quiet of the small silent house descended on her spirit with a sense of peace and familiarity. It may be doubted if such an emotion had ever before been evoked by Carry Fisher’s surroundings; but, contrasted to the world in which Lily had lately lived, there was an air of repose and stability in the very placing of the furniture, and in the quiet competence of the parlour-maid who led her up to her room. Mrs. Fisher’s unconventionality was, after all, a merely superficial divergence from an inherited social creed, while the manners of the Gormer circle represented their first attempt to formulate such a creed for themselves.
Carry Fisher, as she openly admitted, had rented a small house in Tuxedo for the fall, thanks to the success of the Brys in Newport; and that was where Lily was headed on the Sunday after Dorset's visit. Although it was nearly dinner time when she got there, her hostess was still out, and the warm, quiet atmosphere of the small, silent house wrapped around her, bringing a feeling of peace and familiarity. It's hard to say if Carry Fisher's surroundings had ever inspired such a feeling before; but compared to the world Lily had recently inhabited, there was a sense of calm and stability in the way the furniture was arranged and in the quiet competence of the parlour-maid who showed her to her room. Mrs. Fisher's unconventionality was ultimately just a superficial difference from an inherited social code, while the manners of the Gormer circle represented their initial attempt to create a similar code for themselves.
It was the first time since her return from Europe that Lily had found herself in a congenial atmosphere, and the stirring of familiar associations had almost prepared her, as she descended the stairs before dinner, to enter upon a group of her old acquaintances. But this expectation was instantly checked by the reflection that the friends who remained loyal were precisely those who would be least willing to expose her to such encounters; and it was hardly with surprise that she found, instead, Mr. Rosedale kneeling domestically on the drawing-room hearth before his hostess’s little girl.
It was the first time since her return from Europe that Lily found herself in a friendly environment, and the wave of familiar memories almost got her ready, as she walked down the stairs before dinner, to join a group of her old friends. But this hope was quickly halted by the realization that the friends who stayed loyal were exactly those who would be least likely to put her in such situations; so it was hardly a surprise when she found Mr. Rosedale kneeling down comfortably on the living room floor in front of his hostess’s young daughter.
Rosedale in the paternal role was hardly a figure to soften Lily; yet she could not but notice a quality of homely goodness in his advances to the child. They were not, at any rate, the premeditated and perfunctory endearments of the guest under his hostess’s eye, for he and the little girl had the room to themselves; and something in his attitude made him seem a simple and kindly being compared to the small critical creature who endured his homage. Yes, he would be kind—Lily, from the threshold, had time to feel—kind in his gross, unscrupulous, rapacious way, the way of the predatory creature with his mate. She had but a moment in which to consider whether this glimpse of the fireside man mitigated her repugnance, or gave it, rather, a more concrete and intimate form; for at sight of her he was immediately on his feet again, the florid and dominant Rosedale of Mattie Gormer’s drawing-room.
Rosedale, in his fatherly role, wasn’t exactly a comforting presence for Lily; still, she couldn’t help but notice a warmth in his approach to the child. They weren’t just the rehearsed and obligatory affections of a guest under his hostess’s watchful eye since he and the little girl had the room to themselves. Something about his demeanor made him seem like a simple, kind person compared to the small, critical being who endured his affection. Yes, he would be kind—Lily, standing at the threshold, sensed this—kind in his blunt, selfish, greedy way, like a predatory creature with its mate. She had only a moment to think about whether this glimpse of the domestic man softened her dislike or made it feel more real and personal; for as soon as he saw her, he was back on his feet again, the flashy and imposing Rosedale of Mattie Gormer’s drawing-room.
It was no surprise to Lily to find that he had been selected as her only fellow-guest. Though she and her hostess had not met since the latter’s tentative discussion of her future, Lily knew that the acuteness which enabled Mrs. Fisher to lay a safe and pleasant course through a world of antagonistic forces was not infrequently exercised for the benefit of her friends. It was, in fact, characteristic of Carry that, while she actively gleaned her own stores from the fields of affluence, her real sympathies were on the other side—with the unlucky, the unpopular, the unsuccessful, with all her hungry fellow-toilers in the shorn stubble of success.
Lily wasn't surprised to discover that he had been chosen as her only guest. Even though she and her hostess hadn't seen each other since their initial conversation about her future, Lily understood that Mrs. Fisher had a sharp sense that allowed her to navigate through a world filled with opposing forces, and she often used this skill to help her friends. In fact, it was typical of Carry that while she actively gathered her own wealth from prosperous sources, her true sympathies lay elsewhere—with the unfortunate, the unpopular, the unsuccessful, and all her fellow workers in the challenging field of striving for success.
Mrs. Fisher’s experience guarded her against the mistake of exposing Lily, for the first evening, to the unmitigated impression of Rosedale’s personality. Kate Corby and two or three men dropped in to dinner, and Lily, alive to every detail of her friend’s method, saw that such opportunities as had been contrived for her were to be deferred till she had, as it were, gained courage to make effectual use of them. She had a sense of acquiescing in this plan with the passiveness of a sufferer resigned to the surgeon’s touch; and this feeling of almost lethargic helplessness continued when, after the departure of the guests, Mrs. Fisher followed her upstairs.
Mrs. Fisher’s experience kept her from making the mistake of exposing Lily too soon to Rosedale’s full personality. Kate Corby and a couple of other guys came over for dinner, and Lily, aware of every detail of her friend’s approach, realized that the chances that had been set up for her would be postponed until she felt ready to take advantage of them. She felt like she was going along with this plan with the passive acceptance of someone resigned to a surgeon’s care; this sense of almost numb helplessness lingered even after the guests left and Mrs. Fisher went upstairs with her.
“May I come in and smoke a cigarette over your fire? If we talk in my room we shall disturb the child.” Mrs. Fisher looked about her with the eye of the solicitous hostess. “I hope you’ve managed to make yourself comfortable, dear? Isn’t it a jolly little house? It’s such a blessing to have a few quiet weeks with the baby.”
“Can I come in and smoke a cigarette by your fire? If we talk in my room, we’ll wake the baby.” Mrs. Fisher scanned the room with the attentive eye of a caring hostess. “I hope you’ve been able to get comfortable, dear? Isn't it a lovely little house? It’s such a blessing to have a few quiet weeks with the baby.”
Carry, in her rare moments of prosperity, became so expansively maternal that Miss Bart sometimes wondered whether, if she could ever get time and money enough, she would not end by devoting them both to her daughter.
Carry, in her rare moments of success, became so overly nurturing that Miss Bart sometimes wondered if she ever had enough time and money, would she eventually dedicate them both to her daughter.
“It’s a well-earned rest: I’ll say that for myself,” she continued, sinking down with a sigh of content on the pillowed lounge near the fire. “Louisa Bry is a stern task-master: I often used to wish myself back with the Gormers. Talk of love making people jealous and suspicious—it’s nothing to social ambition! Louisa used to lie awake at night wondering whether the women who called on us called on ME because I was with her, or on HER because she was with me; and she was always laying traps to find out what I thought. Of course I had to disown my oldest friends, rather than let her suspect she owed me the chance of making a single acquaintance—when, all the while, that was what she had me there for, and what she wrote me a handsome cheque for when the season was over!”
“It’s a well-deserved break: I’ll give myself that,” she continued, sinking down with a contented sigh on the cushioned lounge by the fire. “Louisa Bry is a strict taskmaster: I often found myself wishing I was back with the Gormers. They say love makes people jealous and suspicious—it’s nothing compared to social ambition! Louisa would lie awake at night, wondering if the women who visited us were coming to see ME because I was with her, or HER because she was with me; and she was always setting traps to see what I thought. Of course, I had to cut ties with my oldest friends rather than let her think she owed me the chance to make a single new acquaintance—when, all the while, that’s exactly why she had me there, and why she wrote me a nice check when the season was over!”
Mrs. Fisher was not a woman who talked of herself without cause, and the practice of direct speech, far from precluding in her an occasional resort to circuitous methods, served rather, at crucial moments, the purpose of the juggler’s chatter while he shifts the contents of his sleeves. Through the haze of her cigarette-smoke she continued to gaze meditatively at Miss Bart, who, having dismissed her maid, sat before the toilet table shaking out over her shoulders the loosened undulations of her hair.
Mrs. Fisher wasn't the type of woman to talk about herself for no reason, and while she usually spoke directly, she sometimes used roundabout ways to communicate, especially at key moments, almost like a juggler's talk while he rearranges what's hidden in his sleeves. Through the haze of her cigarette smoke, she kept looking thoughtfully at Miss Bart, who, after sending her maid away, sat at the vanity table letting her loose hair fall gracefully over her shoulders.
“Your hair’s wonderful, Lily. Thinner—? What does that matter, when it’s so light and alive? So many women’s worries seem to go straight to their hair—but yours looks as if there had never been an anxious thought under it. I never saw you look better than you did this evening. Mattie Gormer told me that Morpeth wanted to paint you—why don’t you let him?”
“Your hair is amazing, Lily. Thinner—? What does that matter when it’s so light and vibrant? So many women stress over their hair, but yours looks like there’s never been a worried thought behind it. I’ve never seen you look better than you did tonight. Mattie Gormer said that Morpeth wants to paint you—why don’t you let him?”
Miss Bart’s immediate answer was to address a critical glance to the reflection of the countenance under discussion. Then she said, with a slight touch of irritation: “I don’t care to accept a portrait from Paul Morpeth.”
Miss Bart’s quick response was to shoot a critical look at the reflection of the face they were talking about. Then she added, with a hint of irritation: “I don’t want to accept a portrait from Paul Morpeth.”
Mrs. Fisher mused. “N—no. And just now, especially—well, he can do you after you’re married.” She waited a moment, and then went on: “By the way, I had a visit from Mattie the other day. She turned up here last Sunday—and with Bertha Dorset, of all people in the world!”
Mrs. Fisher thought for a moment. “N—no. And right now, especially—well, he can handle you after you’re married.” She paused, then continued: “By the way, I had a visit from Mattie the other day. She showed up here last Sunday—with Bertha Dorset, of all people!”
She paused again to measure the effect of this announcement on her hearer, but the brush in Miss Bart’s lifted hand maintained its unwavering stroke from brow to nape.
She paused again to gauge how this announcement affected her listener, but the brush in Miss Bart’s lifted hand continued its steady movement from brow to nape.
“I never was more astonished,” Mrs. Fisher pursued. “I don’t know two women less predestined to intimacy—from Bertha’s standpoint, that is; for of course poor Mattie thinks it natural enough that she should be singled out—I’ve no doubt the rabbit always thinks it is fascinating the anaconda. Well, you know I’ve always told you that Mattie secretly longed to bore herself with the really fashionable; and now that the chance has come, I see that she’s capable of sacrificing all her old friends to it.”
“I’ve never been more shocked,” Mrs. Fisher continued. “I can’t think of two women less likely to become close—at least from Bertha’s perspective; poor Mattie probably thinks it’s totally normal to be chosen. I bet the rabbit always thinks it’s exciting to meet the anaconda. You know I’ve always said that Mattie secretly wanted to surround herself with the truly fashionable, and now that the opportunity has finally arrived, I can see that she’s ready to give up all her old friends for it.”
Lily laid aside her brush and turned a penetrating glance upon her friend. “Including ME?” she suggested.
Lily set down her brush and looked intently at her friend. “Including ME?” she asked.
“Ah, my dear,” murmured Mrs. Fisher, rising to push back a log from the hearth.
“Ah, my dear,” whispered Mrs. Fisher, standing up to move a log from the fireplace.
“That’s what Bertha means, isn’t it?” Miss Bart went on steadily. “For of course she always means something; and before I left Long Island I saw that she was beginning to lay her toils for Mattie.”
"That's what Bertha means, right?" Miss Bart continued calmly. "Because she definitely always means something; and before I left Long Island, I noticed she was starting to set her traps for Mattie."
Mrs. Fisher sighed evasively. “She has her fast now, at any rate. To think of that loud independence of Mattie’s being only a subtler form of snobbishness! Bertha can already make her believe anything she pleases—and I’m afraid she’s begun, my poor child, by insinuating horrors about you.”
Mrs. Fisher sighed, avoiding the issue. “At least she has her fast now. To think that Mattie’s loud independence is just a more subtle kind of snobbishness! Bertha can already make her believe whatever she wants—and I’m afraid she’s started, my poor child, by suggesting terrible things about you.”
Lily flushed under the shadow of her drooping hair. “The world is too vile,” she murmured, averting herself from Mrs. Fisher’s anxious scrutiny.
Lily blushed beneath the weight of her hanging hair. “The world is too awful,” she whispered, turning away from Mrs. Fisher’s worried gaze.
“It’s not a pretty place; and the only way to keep a footing in it is to fight it on its own terms—and above all, my dear, not alone!” Mrs. Fisher gathered up her floating implications in a resolute grasp. “You’ve told me so little that I can only guess what has been happening; but in the rush we all live in there’s no time to keep on hating any one without a cause, and if Bertha is still nasty enough to want to injure you with other people it must be because she’s still afraid of you. From her standpoint there’s only one reason for being afraid of you; and my own idea is that, if you want to punish her, you hold the means in your hand. I believe you can marry George Dorset tomorrow; but if you don’t care for that particular form of retaliation, the only thing to save you from Bertha is to marry somebody else.”
“It’s not a nice place; and the only way to stay grounded in it is to fight it on its own terms—and above all, my dear, not on your own!” Mrs. Fisher gathered up her floating implications in a determined grasp. “You’ve told me so little that I can only guess what’s been going on; but in the rush we all live in, there’s no time to keep hating anyone without a reason, and if Bertha is still nasty enough to try to hurt you with other people, it must be because she’s still scared of you. From her perspective, there’s only one reason to be scared of you; and I think that if you want to get back at her, you hold the power in your hands. I believe you can marry George Dorset tomorrow; but if you don’t want to go that route, the only thing that can save you from Bertha is to marry someone else.”
Chapter 7
The light projected on the situation by Mrs. Fisher had the cheerless distinctness of a winter dawn. It outlined the facts with a cold precision unmodified by shade or colour, and refracted, as it were, from the blank walls of the surrounding limitations: she had opened windows from which no sky was ever visible. But the idealist subdued to vulgar necessities must employ vulgar minds to draw the inferences to which he cannot stoop; and it was easier for Lily to let Mrs. Fisher formulate her case than to put it plainly to herself. Once confronted with it, however, she went the full length of its consequences; and these had never been more clearly present to her than when, the next afternoon, she set out for a walk with Rosedale.
The light cast on the situation by Mrs. Fisher felt as bleak as a winter morning. It laid out the facts with a harsh clarity devoid of any warmth or color, reflecting the stark confines of their limitations: she had opened windows from which no sky could ever be seen. But someone with idealistic views, forced to deal with harsh realities, has to rely on ordinary minds to draw conclusions that they themselves can’t face; for Lily, it was simpler to let Mrs. Fisher articulate her situation than to admit it to herself. However, once she was faced with it, she fully embraced its implications; and those implications had never been clearer to her than when, the next afternoon, she went for a walk with Rosedale.
It was one of those still November days when the air is haunted with the light of summer, and something in the lines of the landscape, and in the golden haze which bathed them, recalled to Miss Bart the September afternoon when she had climbed the slopes of Bellomont with Selden. The importunate memory was kept before her by its ironic contrast to her present situation, since her walk with Selden had represented an irresistible flight from just such a climax as the present excursion was designed to bring about. But other memories importuned her also; the recollection of similar situations, as skillfully led up to, but through some malice of fortune, or her own unsteadiness of purpose, always failing of the intended result. Well, her purpose was steady enough now. She saw that the whole weary work of rehabilitation must begin again, and against far greater odds, if Bertha Dorset should succeed in breaking up her friendship with the Gormers; and her longing for shelter and security was intensified by the passionate desire to triumph over Bertha, as only wealth and predominance could triumph over her. As the wife of Rosedale—the Rosedale she felt it in her power to create—she would at least present an invulnerable front to her enemy.
It was one of those calm November days when the air still had a hint of summer, and something about the landscape and the golden haze surrounding it reminded Miss Bart of that September afternoon when she had walked up the slopes of Bellomont with Selden. That pesky memory kept coming back to her, contrasting ironically with her current situation, since her walk with Selden had been an irresistible escape from exactly the kind of climax this trip was meant to bring about. But other memories tugged at her too; she remembered similar situations that had been carefully set up, but due to some stroke of bad luck or her own wavering resolve, they always ended up missing their mark. But now, her resolve was strong enough. She realized that the exhausting process of rebuilding her life would have to start again, and against much tougher challenges, especially if Bertha Dorset managed to ruin her friendship with the Gormers. Her desire for safety and security was sharpened by her intense wish to overcome Bertha, as only wealth and power could do. As Rosedale's wife—the Rosedale she believed she could shape—she would at least present an unassailable front to her rival.
She had to draw upon this thought, as upon some fiery stimulant, to keep up her part in the scene toward which Rosedale was too frankly tending. As she walked beside him, shrinking in every nerve from the way in which his look and tone made free of her, yet telling herself that this momentary endurance of his mood was the price she must pay for her ultimate power over him, she tried to calculate the exact point at which concession must turn to resistance, and the price HE would have to pay be made equally clear to him. But his dapper self-confidence seemed impenetrable to such hints, and she had a sense of something hard and self-contained behind the superficial warmth of his manner.
She had to rely on this thought, like some intense booster, to keep up her part in the scene that Rosedale was so openly pushing for. As she walked beside him, every nerve in her body recoiled from how freely his gaze and voice assessed her, yet she reminded herself that enduring this momentary discomfort was the price she had to pay for her eventual control over him. She tried to figure out the exact point where giving in would need to shift to resisting, making sure that the cost he would have to pay was also clear to him. But his stylish self-assurance seemed immune to such suggestions, and she felt there was something hard and self-sufficient beneath the superficial warmth of his demeanor.
They had been seated for some time in the seclusion of a rocky glen above the lake, when she suddenly cut short the culmination of an impassioned period by turning upon him the grave loveliness of her gaze.
They had been sitting for a while in the quiet of a rocky valley above the lake when she abruptly interrupted an intense moment by fixing him with her serious, beautiful gaze.
“I DO believe what you say, Mr. Rosedale,” she said quietly; “and I am ready to marry you whenever you wish.”
“I really believe you, Mr. Rosedale,” she said softly, “and I’m ready to marry you whenever you want.”
Rosedale, reddening to the roots of his glossy hair, received this announcement with a recoil which carried him to his feet, where he halted before her in an attitude of almost comic discomfiture.
Rosedale, his glossy hair turning red to the roots, reacted to this news by jumping to his feet, where he paused in front of her with a look of nearly funny embarrassment.
“For I suppose that is what you do wish,” she continued, in the same quiet tone. “And, though I was unable to consent when you spoke to me in this way before, I am ready, now that I know you so much better, to trust my happiness to your hands.”
“For I guess that’s what you really want,” she continued in the same quiet tone. “And, although I couldn’t agree when you talked to me like this before, I’m ready now that I know you so much better to put my happiness in your hands.”
She spoke with the noble directness which she could command on such occasions, and which was like a large steady light thrown across the tortuous darkness of the situation. In its inconvenient brightness Rosedale seemed to waver a moment, as though conscious that every avenue of escape was unpleasantly illuminated.
She spoke with the straightforwardness she could manage in those moments, shining like a bright light over the complicated darkness of the situation. In that harsh brightness, Rosedale seemed to hesitate for a moment, as if aware that every possible escape was uncomfortably exposed.
Then he gave a short laugh, and drew out a gold cigarette-case, in which, with plump jewelled fingers, he groped for a gold-tipped cigarette. Selecting one, he paused to contemplate it a moment before saying: “My dear Miss Lily, I’m sorry if there’s been any little misapprehension between us—but you made me feel my suit was so hopeless that I had really no intention of renewing it.”
Then he let out a brief laugh and pulled out a gold cigarette case, in which, with his chubby, jeweled fingers, he felt around for a gold-tipped cigarette. After choosing one, he paused to admire it for a moment before saying, “My dear Miss Lily, I apologize if there’s been any misunderstanding between us—but you made me feel like my chances were so slim that I honestly had no plan to pursue it again.”
Lily’s blood tingled with the grossness of the rebuff; but she checked the first leap of her anger, and said in a tone of gentle dignity: “I have no one but myself to blame if I gave you the impression that my decision was final.”
Lily felt a rush of discomfort from the rejection, but she held back her initial anger and spoke with a calm dignity: “I can only blame myself if I gave you the impression that my decision was set in stone.”
Her word-play was always too quick for him, and this reply held him in puzzled silence while she extended her hand and added, with the faintest inflection of sadness in her voice: “Before we bid each other goodbye, I want at least to thank you for having once thought of me as you did.”
Her wordplay was always too fast for him, and this response left him in confused silence while she reached out her hand and said, with a slight tone of sadness in her voice: “Before we say goodbye, I at least want to thank you for having once thought of me the way you did.”
The touch of her hand, the moving softness of her look, thrilled a vulnerable fibre in Rosedale. It was her exquisite inaccessibleness, the sense of distance she could convey without a hint of disdain, that made it most difficult for him to give her up.
The feel of her hand, the gentle warmth in her gaze, excited a deep emotion in Rosedale. It was her stunning unavailability, the way she expressed distance without any trace of disdain, that made it hardest for him to let her go.
“Why do you talk of saying goodbye? Ain’t we going to be good friends all the same?” he urged, without releasing her hand.
“Why are you talking about saying goodbye? Aren’t we still going to be good friends?” he insisted, still holding her hand.
She drew it away quietly. “What is your idea of being good friends?” she returned with a slight smile. “Making love to me without asking me to marry you?” Rosedale laughed with a recovered sense of ease.
She pulled it back gently. “What do you think it means to be good friends?” she replied with a faint smile. “Sleeping with me without proposing?” Rosedale laughed, feeling at ease again.
“Well, that’s about the size of it, I suppose. I can’t help making love to you—I don’t see how any man could; but I don’t mean to ask you to marry me as long as I can keep out of it.”
“Well, that’s pretty much it, I guess. I can’t help falling for you—I don’t see how any guy could; but I don’t plan to ask you to marry me as long as I can avoid that.”
She continued to smile. “I like your frankness; but I am afraid our friendship can hardly continue on those terms.” She turned away, as though to mark that its final term had in fact been reached, and he followed her for a few steps with a baffled sense of her having after all kept the game in her own hands.
She kept smiling. “I appreciate your honesty; but I’m afraid our friendship can’t really continue on those terms.” She turned away, as if to signal that their relationship had truly come to an end, and he walked after her for a few steps, feeling confused that she still had control of the situation.
“Miss Lily——” he began impulsively; but she walked on without seeming to hear him.
“Miss Lily—” he started impulsively; but she continued walking as if she didn't hear him.
He overtook her in a few quick strides, and laid an entreating hand on her arm. “Miss Lily—don’t hurry away like that. You’re beastly hard on a fellow; but if you don’t mind speaking the truth I don’t see why you shouldn’t allow me to do the same.”
He caught up with her in a few quick steps and gently placed a hand on her arm. “Miss Lily—don’t rush off like that. You’re really tough on a guy; but if you don’t mind me being honest, I don’t see why you shouldn’t let me do the same.”
She had paused a moment with raised brows, drawing away instinctively from his touch, though she made no effort to evade his words.
She paused for a moment with raised eyebrows, instinctively pulling back from his touch, but she made no effort to avoid his words.
“I was under the impression,” she rejoined, “that you had done so without waiting for my permission.”
“I thought,” she replied, “that you had done it without waiting for my permission.”
“Well—why shouldn’t you hear my reasons for doing it, then? We’re neither of us such new hands that a little plain speaking is going to hurt us. I’m all broken up on you: there’s nothing new in that. I’m more in love with you than I was this time last year; but I’ve got to face the fact that the situation is changed.”
“Well—why shouldn’t you hear my reasons for doing it, then? We’re both experienced enough that a little honest talk isn’t going to hurt us. I’m completely devoted to you: that’s nothing new. I’m more in love with you than I was at this time last year; but I’ve got to accept that the situation has changed.”
She continued to confront him with the same air of ironic composure. “You mean to say that I’m not as desirable a match as you thought me?”
She kept facing him with the same tone of ironic calm. “You're saying that I'm not as desirable as you believed I was?”
“Yes; that’s what I do mean,” he answered resolutely. “I won’t go into what’s happened. I don’t believe the stories about you—I don’t WANT to believe them. But they’re there, and my not believing them ain’t going to alter the situation.”
“Yes; that’s what I mean,” he replied firmly. “I won’t get into what’s happened. I don’t believe the rumors about you—I don’t WANT to believe them. But they exist, and my disbelief isn’t going to change the situation.”
She flushed to her temples, but the extremity of her need checked the retort on her lip and she continued to face him composedly. “If they are not true,” she said, “doesn’t THAT alter the situation?”
She blushed to her temples, but the intensity of her need held back the response on her lips, and she kept facing him calmly. “If they aren’t true,” she said, “doesn’t THAT change the situation?”
He met this with a steady gaze of his small stock-taking eyes, which made her feel herself no more than some superfine human merchandise. “I believe it does in novels; but I’m certain it don’t in real life. You know that as well as I do: if we’re speaking the truth, let’s speak the whole truth. Last year I was wild to marry you, and you wouldn’t look at me: this year—well, you appear to be willing. Now, what has changed in the interval? Your situation, that’s all. Then you thought you could do better; now——”
He met this with a steady look from his small, assessing eyes, which made her feel like nothing more than some high-end merchandise. “I believe it happens in novels, but I’m sure it doesn’t in real life. You know that as well as I do: if we’re being honest, let’s be completely honest. Last year, I was eager to marry you, and you wouldn’t even consider me: this year—well, you seem open to it. So, what’s changed in the meantime? Your situation, that’s all. Back then, you thought you could do better; now——”
“You think you can?” broke from her ironically.
“You think you can?” she said ironically.
“Why, yes, I do: in one way, that is.” He stood before her, his hands in his pockets, his chest sturdily expanded under its vivid waistcoat. “It’s this way, you see: I’ve had a pretty steady grind of it these last years, working up my social position. Think it’s funny I should say that? Why should I mind saying I want to get into society? A man ain’t ashamed to say he wants to own a racing stable or a picture gallery. Well, a taste for society’s just another kind of hobby. Perhaps I want to get even with some of the people who cold-shouldered me last year—put it that way if it sounds better. Anyhow, I want to have the run of the best houses; and I’m getting it too, little by little. But I know the quickest way to queer yourself with the right people is to be seen with the wrong ones; and that’s the reason I want to avoid mistakes.”
“Sure, I do: in a way, that is.” He stood in front of her, his hands in his pockets, his chest confidently pushed out under his bright waistcoat. “Here’s the deal: I’ve been working hard these past few years to improve my social standing. Do you think it's funny I’d say that? Why should I be embarrassed to admit I want to be part of society? A guy isn’t shy about wanting to own a racehorse or an art collection. Well, wanting to fit in is just another hobby. Maybe I want to get back at some people who snubbed me last year—put it that way if it sounds better. Anyway, I want to mingle with the best crowds; and I’m getting there little by little. But I know the fastest way to screw things up with the right people is to be seen with the wrong ones; and that’s why I want to avoid any mistakes.”
Miss Bart continued to stand before him in a silence that might have expressed either mockery or a half-reluctant respect for his candour, and after a moment’s pause he went on: “There it is, you see. I’m more in love with you than ever, but if I married you now I’d queer myself for good and all, and everything I’ve worked for all these years would be wasted.”
Miss Bart kept standing in front of him, her silence revealing either sarcasm or a hesitant respect for his honesty. After a brief pause, he continued, “There you have it. I’m more in love with you than ever, but if I married you right now, I’d ruin everything for good, and all the effort I’ve put in over the years would be for nothing.”
She received this with a look from which all tinge of resentment had faded. After the tissue of social falsehoods in which she had so long moved it was refreshing to step into the open daylight of an avowed expediency.
She accepted this with a look that showed no trace of resentment. After the web of social lies she had been caught up in for so long, it felt refreshing to step into the clear light of open honesty.
“I understand you,” she said. “A year ago I should have been of use to you, and now I should be an encumbrance; and I like you for telling me so quite honestly.” She extended her hand with a smile.
“I get it,” she said. “A year ago, I would have been helpful to you, and now I’d just be a burden; and I appreciate you being so honest about it.” She reached out her hand with a smile.
Again the gesture had a disturbing effect upon Mr. Rosedale’s self-command. “By George, you’re a dead game sport, you are!” he exclaimed; and as she began once more to move away, he broke out suddenly—“Miss Lily—stop. You know I don’t believe those stories—I believe they were all got up by a woman who didn’t hesitate to sacrifice you to her own convenience——”
Again the gesture had a jarring impact on Mr. Rosedale’s self-control. “By George, you’re a real champ, you are!” he exclaimed; and as she started to walk away again, he blurted out—“Miss Lily—wait. You know I don’t buy those stories—I think they were all made up by a woman who didn’t mind using you for her own benefit——”
Lily drew away with a movement of quick disdain: it was easier to endure his insolence than his commiseration.
Lily pulled back with a swift gesture of contempt: it was easier to handle his arrogance than his pity.
“You are very kind; but I don’t think we need discuss the matter farther.”
“You're very kind, but I don't think we need to talk about it anymore.”
But Rosedale’s natural imperviousness to hints made it easy for him to brush such resistance aside. “I don’t want to discuss anything; I just want to put a plain case before you,” he persisted.
But Rosedale’s natural inability to pick up on hints made it easy for him to dismiss such resistance. “I don’t want to talk about anything; I just want to present a straightforward case to you,” he insisted.
She paused in spite of herself, held by the note of a new purpose in his look and tone; and he went on, keeping his eyes firmly upon her: “The wonder to me is that you’ve waited so long to get square with that woman, when you’ve had the power in your hands.” She continued silent under the rush of astonishment that his words produced, and he moved a step closer to ask with low-toned directness: “Why don’t you use those letters of hers you bought last year?”
She paused despite herself, caught by the hint of a new purpose in his look and tone; and he continued, keeping his eyes locked on her: “What surprises me is that you’ve waited so long to settle things with that woman, when you’ve had the power to do it.” She remained silent, overwhelmed by the shock of his words, and he stepped a bit closer to ask in a low, direct voice: “Why don’t you use those letters of hers that you bought last year?”
Lily stood speechless under the shock of the interrogation. In the words preceding it she had conjectured, at most, an allusion to her supposed influence over George Dorset; nor did the astonishing indelicacy of the reference diminish the likelihood of Rosedale’s resorting to it. But now she saw how far short of the mark she had fallen; and the surprise of learning that he had discovered the secret of the letters left her, for the moment, unconscious of the special use to which he was in the act of putting his knowledge.
Lily stood there, stunned by the interrogation. In the earlier conversation, she had only considered a hint about her supposed influence over George Dorset; the shocking lack of subtlety in the reference didn't make it any less likely that Rosedale would bring it up. But now she realized just how wrong she had been; the shock of finding out he knew the secret of the letters left her momentarily unaware of the specific way he was using that knowledge.
Her temporary loss of self-possession gave him time to press his point; and he went on quickly, as though to secure completer control of the situation: “You see I know where you stand—I know how completely she’s in your power. That sounds like stage-talk, don’t it?—but there’s a lot of truth in some of those old gags; and I don’t suppose you bought those letters simply because you’re collecting autographs.”
Her brief moment of losing her composure gave him a chance to make his point; he continued quickly, as if to take full control of the situation: “You see, I know your position—I know how totally she’s under your influence. That sounds kind of theatrical, doesn’t it?—but there’s some truth in those old sayings; and I doubt you bought those letters just because you’re gathering autographs.”
She continued to look at him with a deepening bewilderment: her only clear impression resolved itself into a scared sense of his power.
She kept looking at him with growing confusion: her only clear feeling turned into a fearful awareness of his power.
“You’re wondering how I found out about ’em?” he went on, answering her look with a note of conscious pride. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten that I’m the owner of the Benedick—but never mind about that now. Getting on to things is a mighty useful accomplishment in business, and I’ve simply extended it to my private affairs. For this IS partly my affair, you see—at least, it depends on you to make it so. Let’s look the situation straight in the eye. Mrs. Dorset, for reasons we needn’t go into, did you a beastly bad turn last spring. Everybody knows what Mrs. Dorset is, and her best friends wouldn’t believe her on oath where their own interests were concerned; but as long as they’re out of the row it’s much easier to follow her lead than to set themselves against it, and you’ve simply been sacrificed to their laziness and selfishness. Isn’t that a pretty fair statement of the case?—Well, some people say you’ve got the neatest kind of an answer in your hands: that George Dorset would marry you tomorrow, if you’d tell him all you know, and give him the chance to show the lady the door. I daresay he would; but you don’t seem to care for that particular form of getting even, and, taking a purely business view of the question, I think you’re right. In a deal like that, nobody comes out with perfectly clean hands, and the only way for you to start fresh is to get Bertha Dorset to back you up, instead of trying to fight her.”
“You're curious about how I found out about them?” he continued, meeting her look with a hint of pride. “Maybe you've forgotten that I'm the owner of the Benedick—but let's set that aside for now. Being able to move things along is really useful in business, and I've just applied that to my personal life as well. This is partly my issue, you see—at least it depends on you to make it so. Let’s look at the situation honestly. Mrs. Dorset, for reasons we don’t need to discuss, did you a terrible injustice last spring. Everyone knows what Mrs. Dorset is, and even her closest friends wouldn’t trust her when their own interests are at stake; but as long as they’re not in the middle of it, it's much easier to follow her lead than to oppose her, and you’ve been thrown under the bus due to their laziness and selfishness. Isn’t that a fair assessment?—Well, some people say you have a perfect opportunity: George Dorset would marry you tomorrow if you told him everything you know and gave him the chance to send the lady packing. I have no doubt he would; but you don’t seem interested in that particular way of getting back at her, and from a purely business perspective, I think you're right. In a situation like that, nobody walks away with completely clean hands, and the only way for you to start fresh is to get Bertha Dorset to support you, instead of trying to battle her.”
He paused long enough to draw breath, but not to give her time for the expression of her gathering resistance; and as he pressed on, expounding and elucidating his idea with the directness of the man who has no doubts of his cause, she found the indignation gradually freezing on her lip, found herself held fast in the grasp of his argument by the mere cold strength of its presentation. There was no time now to wonder how he had heard of her obtaining the letters: all her world was dark outside the monstrous glare of his scheme for using them. And it was not, after the first moment, the horror of the idea that held her spell-bound, subdued to his will; it was rather its subtle affinity to her own inmost cravings. He would marry her tomorrow if she could regain Bertha Dorset’s friendship; and to induce the open resumption of that friendship, and the tacit retractation of all that had caused its withdrawal, she had only to put to the lady the latent menace contained in the packet so miraculously delivered into her hands. Lily saw in a flash the advantage of this course over that which poor Dorset had pressed upon her. The other plan depended for its success on the infliction of an open injury, while this reduced the transaction to a private understanding, of which no third person need have the remotest hint. Put by Rosedale in terms of businesslike give-and-take, this understanding took on the harmless air of a mutual accommodation, like a transfer of property or a revision of boundary lines. It certainly simplified life to view it as a perpetual adjustment, a play of party politics, in which every concession had its recognized equivalent: Lily’s tired mind was fascinated by this escape from fluctuating ethical estimates into a region of concrete weights and measures.
He took a moment to breathe, but not enough for her to express her growing resistance; as he continued, explaining his idea with the certainty of someone who has no doubts about their position, she felt her anger gradually freezing on her lips. She found herself trapped by the sheer cold force of his argument. There was no time now to wonder how he knew about her getting the letters; her entire world was consumed by the harsh light of his plan to use them. It wasn’t just the shock of the idea that held her captive, subdued to his will; it was its unsettling connection to her own deepest desires. He would marry her tomorrow if she could win back Bertha Dorset’s friendship; and to restore that friendship, and silently undo everything that had caused its loss, all she had to do was present the subtle threat hidden in the packet that had been so miraculously given to her. Lily instantly saw the benefits of this approach compared to the one that poor Dorset had suggested. His plan hinged on openly inflicting harm, while this one turned the situation into a private agreement that no one else needed to know about. When framed by Rosedale as a matter of business-like negotiation, this arrangement seemed harmless, like a property transfer or a boundary revision. Looking at life this way, as an ongoing negotiation where every concession had an acknowledged value, made it simpler; Lily's weary mind was drawn in by this escape from wavering ethical dilemmas into a realm of clear calculations.
Rosedale, as she listened, seemed to read in her silence not only a gradual acquiescence in his plan, but a dangerously far-reaching perception of the chances it offered; for as she continued to stand before him without speaking, he broke out, with a quick return upon himself: “You see how simple it is, don’t you? Well, don’t be carried away by the idea that it’s TOO simple. It isn’t exactly as if you’d started in with a clean bill of health. Now we’re talking let’s call things by their right names, and clear the whole business up. You know well enough that Bertha Dorset couldn’t have touched you if there hadn’t been—well—questions asked before—little points of interrogation, eh? Bound to happen to a good-looking girl with stingy relatives, I suppose; anyhow, they DID happen, and she found the ground prepared for her. Do you see where I’m coming out? You don’t want these little questions cropping up again. It’s one thing to get Bertha Dorset into line—but what you want is to keep her there. You can frighten her fast enough—but how are you going to keep her frightened? By showing her that you’re as powerful as she is. All the letters in the world won’t do that for you as you are now; but with a big backing behind you, you’ll keep her just where you want her to be. That’s MY share in the business—that’s what I’m offering you. You can’t put the thing through without me—don’t run away with any idea that you can. In six months you’d be back again among your old worries, or worse ones; and here I am, ready to lift you out of ’em tomorrow if you say so. DO you say so, Miss Lily?” he added, moving suddenly nearer.
Rosedale, while listening, seemed to sense in her silence not only a gradual agreement with his plan but also an alarming understanding of the opportunities it presented. As she stood there without speaking, he suddenly turned introspective and said, “You see how straightforward this is, right? Well, don’t get too caught up in thinking it’s too simple. It’s not like you’re starting with a clean slate. Let’s be honest and get everything out in the open. You know that Bertha Dorset couldn’t have gotten close to you if there hadn’t been—well—questions raised beforehand—little points of suspicion, right? It was bound to happen to a pretty girl with tight-fisted relatives, I guess; anyway, it did happen, and she found the groundwork laid for her. Do you see where I’m heading? You don’t want those little issues popping up again. It’s one thing to get Bertha Dorset in line—but what you really want is to keep her there. You can scare her just fine, but how are you going to keep her scared? By showing her that you have just as much power as she does. All the letters in the world won’t accomplish that for you as you are now; but with solid support behind you, you’ll keep her exactly where you want her. That’s MY part in this—that’s what I’m offering you. You can't pull this off without me—don’t think for a second that you can. In six months, you’d be back in your old dilemmas, or worse; and here I am, ready to get you out of them tomorrow if you want. DO you want that, Miss Lily?” he added, moving suddenly closer.
The words, and the movement which accompanied them, combined to startle Lily out of the state of tranced subservience into which she had insensibly slipped. Light comes in devious ways to the groping consciousness, and it came to her now through the disgusted perception that her would-be accomplice assumed, as a matter of course, the likelihood of her distrusting him and perhaps trying to cheat him of his share of the spoils. This glimpse of his inner mind seemed to present the whole transaction in a new aspect, and she saw that the essential baseness of the act lay in its freedom from risk.
The words and the motion that went with them jolted Lily out of the dazed obedience she had unknowingly fallen into. Insight comes in unexpected ways to a clouded mind, and it dawned on her now through the unpleasant realization that her supposed partner automatically assumed she would distrust him and might even try to rip him off. This insight into his mindset seemed to change the entire situation for her, and she recognized that the true ugliness of the act was how it involved no risk at all.
She drew back with a quick gesture of rejection, saying, in a voice that was a surprise to her own ears: “You are mistaken—quite mistaken—both in the facts and in what you infer from them.”
She pulled back with a quick gesture of rejection, saying, in a voice that surprised even her: “You’re wrong—totally wrong—both about the facts and what you’re reading into them.”
Rosedale stared a moment, puzzled by her sudden dash in a direction so different from that toward which she had appeared to be letting him guide her.
Rosedale stared for a moment, confused by her sudden sprint in a direction so different from where she had seemed to be letting him lead her.
“Now what on earth does that mean? I thought we understood each other!” he exclaimed; and to her murmur of “Ah, we do NOW,” he retorted with a sudden burst of violence: “I suppose it’s because the letters are to HIM, then? Well, I’ll be damned if I see what thanks you’ve got from him!”
“Now, what the heck does that mean? I thought we got each other!” he shouted; and in response to her whisper of “Ah, we do NOW,” he snapped back with a sudden outburst: “I guess it’s because the letters are for HIM, huh? Well, I can’t believe what thanks you’ve gotten from him!”
Chapter 8
The autumn days declined to winter. Once more the leisure world was in transition between country and town, and Fifth Avenue, still deserted at the week-end, showed from Monday to Friday a broadening stream of carriages between house-fronts gradually restored to consciousness.
The autumn days faded into winter. Once again, the world of leisure was shifting between the countryside and the city, and Fifth Avenue, still empty on the weekends, displayed an increasing flow of carriages moving between the buildings that were slowly coming back to life from Monday to Friday.
The Horse Show, some two weeks earlier, had produced a passing semblance of reanimation, filling the theatres and restaurants with a human display of the same costly and high-stepping kind as circled daily about its ring. In Miss Bart’s world the Horse Show, and the public it attracted, had ostensibly come to be classed among the spectacles disdained of the elect; but, as the feudal lord might sally forth to join in the dance on his village green, so society, unofficially and incidentally, still condescended to look in upon the scene. Mrs. Gormer, among the rest, was not above seizing such an occasion for the display of herself and her horses; and Lily was given one or two opportunities of appearing at her friend’s side in the most conspicuous box the house afforded. But this lingering semblance of intimacy made her only the more conscious of a change in the relation between Mattie and herself, of a dawning discrimination, a gradually formed social standard, emerging from Mrs. Gormer’s chaotic view of life. It was inevitable that Lily herself should constitute the first sacrifice to this new ideal, and she knew that, once the Gormers were established in town, the whole drift of fashionable life would facilitate Mattie’s detachment from her. She had, in short, failed to make herself indispensable; or rather, her attempt to do so had been thwarted by an influence stronger than any she could exert. That influence, in its last analysis, was simply the power of money: Bertha Dorset’s social credit was based on an impregnable bank-account.
The Horse Show, about two weeks ago, had created a brief sense of revival, filling the theaters and restaurants with a crowd that resembled the flashy and extravagant spectacle of the show itself. In Miss Bart’s world, the Horse Show and its audience had seemingly become something the elite looked down upon; however, just as a feudal lord might join a dance in his village, society still unofficially and casually checked in on the event. Mrs. Gormer, among others, was eager to take advantage of such an opportunity to showcase herself and her horses; Lily had a couple of chances to appear alongside her friend in the most prominent box available. But this lingering sense of closeness made her increasingly aware of a shift in her relationship with Mattie, a growing discernment and social standard that was emerging from Mrs. Gormer’s chaotic perspective on life. It was inevitable that Lily would be the first to fall victim to this new standard, and she realized that once the Gormers settled in town, the entire trend of fashionable life would help Mattie distance herself from her. In short, she had failed to make herself essential; or rather, her efforts to do so had been undermined by a force stronger than anything she could manage. That force, at its core, was simply the power of money: Bertha Dorset’s social standing was built on a solid bank account.
Lily knew that Rosedale had overstated neither the difficulty of her own position nor the completeness of the vindication he offered: once Bertha’s match in material resources, her superior gifts would make it easy for her to dominate her adversary. An understanding of what such domination would mean, and of the disadvantages accruing from her rejection of it, was brought home to Lily with increasing clearness during the early weeks of the winter. Hitherto, she had kept up a semblance of movement outside the main flow of the social current; but with the return to town, and the concentrating of scattered activities, the mere fact of not slipping back naturally into her old habits of life marked her as being unmistakably excluded from them. If one were not a part of the season’s fixed routine, one swung unsphered in a void of social non-existence. Lily, for all her dissatisfied dreaming, had never really conceived the possibility of revolving about a different centre: it was easy enough to despise the world, but decidedly difficult to find any other habitable region. Her sense of irony never quite deserted her, and she could still note, with self-directed derision, the abnormal value suddenly acquired by the most tiresome and insignificant details of her former life. Its very drudgeries had a charm now that she was involuntarily released from them: card-leaving, note-writing, enforced civilities to the dull and elderly, and the smiling endurance of tedious dinners—how pleasantly such obligations would have filled the emptiness of her days! She did indeed leave cards in plenty; she kept herself, with a smiling and valiant persistence, well in the eye of her world; nor did she suffer any of those gross rebuffs which sometimes produce a wholesome reaction of contempt in their victim. Society did not turn away from her, it simply drifted by, preoccupied and inattentive, letting her feel, to the full measure of her humbled pride, how completely she had been the creature of its favour.
Lily realized that Rosedale hadn't exaggerated the difficulty of her situation or the completeness of the validation he offered: once Bertha matched her in financial resources, her superior talents would easily allow her to dominate her opponent. Lily increasingly understood what such domination would entail and the disadvantages of rejecting it during the early weeks of winter. Until then, she had managed to maintain a semblance of movement outside the main flow of social life; but with the return to the city and the concentration of various activities, the simple fact that she wasn’t slipping back into her old habits marked her as distinctly excluded from them. If one wasn't part of the season's established routine, they drifted aimlessly in a void of social invisibility. Despite all her unhappy dreaming, Lily had never truly imagined revolving around a different center: it was easy to dismiss society, but finding any other livable space was definitely challenging. Her sense of irony never fully left her, and she could still observe, with self-directed mockery, the suddenly heightened importance of the most boring and trivial aspects of her previous life. Even its drudgeries now had a charm, now that she was unwittingly released from them: writing cards, composing notes, forced politeness to the dull and elderly, and the forced endurance of tedious dinners—how pleasantly those obligations would have filled the emptiness of her days! She indeed left plenty of cards; she maintained, with a smiling and brave persistence, her presence in her social circle; nor did she experience any of those harsh rebuffs that sometimes provoke a healthy contempt in their victim. Society didn’t reject her; it simply drifted past, preoccupied and inattentive, letting her feel, to the fullest extent of her humbled pride, how completely she had been a creature of its favor.
She had rejected Rosedale’s suggestion with a promptness of scorn almost surprising to herself: she had not lost her capacity for high flashes of indignation. But she could not breathe long on the heights; there had been nothing in her training to develop any continuity of moral strength: what she craved, and really felt herself entitled to, was a situation in which the noblest attitude should also be the easiest. Hitherto her intermittent impulses of resistance had sufficed to maintain her self-respect. If she slipped she recovered her footing, and it was only afterward that she was aware of having recovered it each time on a slightly lower level. She had rejected Rosedale’s offer without conscious effort; her whole being had risen against it; and she did not yet perceive that, by the mere act of listening to him, she had learned to live with ideas which would once have been intolerable to her.
She had shut down Rosedale’s suggestion with a surprising amount of scorn, even to herself: she hadn't lost her ability to feel intense indignation. But she couldn’t stay up on that high ground for long; her upbringing hadn’t prepared her to maintain a steady moral strength. What she wanted, and truly believed she deserved, was a situation where having the right attitude was also the easiest option. Until now, her occasional moments of resistance had been enough to keep her self-respect intact. When she stumbled, she managed to regain her balance, but only later did she realize that each time she had bounced back, it was at a slightly lower level. She had turned down Rosedale’s offer without thinking about it; her whole being had reacted against it, and she didn’t yet realize that, by simply listening to him, she had started to accept ideas that would have once been unbearable to her.
To Gerty Farish, keeping watch over her with a tenderer if less discerning eye than Mrs. Fisher’s, the results of the struggle were already distinctly visible. She did not, indeed, know what hostages Lily had already given to expediency; but she saw her passionately and irretrievably pledged to the ruinous policy of “keeping up.” Gerty could smile now at her own early dream of her friend’s renovation through adversity: she understood clearly enough that Lily was not of those to whom privation teaches the unimportance of what they have lost. But this very fact, to Gerty, made her friend the more piteously in want of aid, the more exposed to the claims of a tenderness she was so little conscious of needing.
To Gerty Farish, watching over her with a gentler but less insightful eye than Mrs. Fisher’s, the results of the struggle were already clearly visible. She didn't know what compromises Lily had already made for practicality; but she could see that Lily was passionately and hopelessly committed to the destructive idea of “keeping up.” Gerty could now smile at her earlier dream of her friend's transformation through hardship: she understood well enough that Lily wasn't the type who learns the unimportance of what they've lost from deprivation. But this very fact made her feel even more urgently that her friend needed help, even more vulnerable to the demands of a tenderness she was so unaware she required.
Lily, since her return to town, had not often climbed Miss Farish’s stairs. There was something irritating to her in the mute interrogation of Gerty’s sympathy: she felt the real difficulties of her situation to be incommunicable to any one whose theory of values was so different from her own, and the restrictions of Gerty’s life, which had once had the charm of contrast, now reminded her too painfully of the limits to which her own existence was shrinking. When at length, one afternoon, she put into execution the belated resolve to visit her friend, this sense of shrunken opportunities possessed her with unusual intensity. The walk up Fifth Avenue, unfolding before her, in the brilliance of the hard winter sunlight, an interminable procession of fastidiously-equipped carriages—giving her, through the little squares of brougham-windows, peeps of familiar profiles bent above visiting-lists, of hurried hands dispensing notes and cards to attendant footmen—this glimpse of the ever-revolving wheels of the great social machine made Lily more than ever conscious of the steepness and narrowness of Gerty’s stairs, and of the cramped blind alley of life to which they led. Dull stairs destined to be mounted by dull people: how many thousands of insignificant figures were going up and down such stairs all over the world at that very moment—figures as shabby and uninteresting as that of the middle-aged lady in limp black who descended Gerty’s flight as Lily climbed to it!
Lily, since coming back to town, hadn’t often gone up Miss Farish’s stairs. There was something annoying to her in Gerty’s silent questioning sympathy: she felt the real challenges of her situation were impossible to share with anyone whose values were so different from hers, and the limitations of Gerty’s life, which had once felt charmingly different, now painfully reminded her of the constrictions her own life was facing. When finally, one afternoon, she decided it was time to visit her friend, this feeling of missed opportunities overwhelmed her even more. The walk up Fifth Avenue, unfolding before her in the bright winter sunlight, showcased an endless line of fancy carriages—giving her glimpses of familiar faces bent over visiting lists and hurried hands passing notes and cards to waiting footmen—this view of the constantly turning wheels of the high society made Lily acutely aware of the steepness and narrowness of Gerty’s stairs, and the cramped dead-end life they led to. Dull stairs meant for dull people: how many thousands of insignificant figures were going up and down similar stairs all over the world at that very moment—figures as worn and unremarkable as that middle-aged woman in sagging black who came down Gerty’s stairs as Lily climbed up!
“That was poor Miss Jane Silverton—she came to talk things over with me: she and her sister want to do something to support themselves,” Gerty explained, as Lily followed her into the sitting-room.
“That was poor Miss Jane Silverton—she came to discuss things with me: she and her sister want to find a way to support themselves,” Gerty explained, as Lily followed her into the living room.
“To support themselves? Are they so hard up?” Miss Bart asked with a touch of irritation: she had not come to listen to the woes of other people.
"To support themselves? Are they really that desperate?" Miss Bart asked, a bit annoyed: she had not come to hear about other people's problems.
“I’m afraid they have nothing left: Ned’s debts have swallowed up everything. They had such hopes, you know, when he broke away from Carry Fisher; they thought Bertha Dorset would be such a good influence, because she doesn’t care for cards, and—well, she talked quite beautifully to poor Miss Jane about feeling as if Ned were her younger brother, and wanting to carry him off on the yacht, so that he might have a chance to drop cards and racing, and take up his literary work again.”
“I’m afraid they’ve got nothing left: Ned’s debts have consumed everything. They had such hopes, you know, when he left Carry Fisher; they thought Bertha Dorset would be a great influence, since she doesn’t care about cards, and—well, she spoke quite beautifully to poor Miss Jane about feeling like Ned was her younger brother and wanting to take him away on the yacht, so he could drop cards and racing and get back to his writing.”
Miss Farish paused with a sigh which reflected the perplexity of her departing visitor. “But that isn’t all; it isn’t even the worst. It seems that Ned has quarrelled with the Dorsets; or at least Bertha won’t allow him to see her, and he is so unhappy about it that he has taken to gambling again, and going about with all sorts of queer people. And cousin Grace Van Osburgh accuses him of having had a very bad influence on Freddy, who left Harvard last spring, and has been a great deal with Ned ever since. She sent for Miss Jane, and made a dreadful scene; and Jack Stepney and Herbert Melson, who were there too, told Miss Jane that Freddy was threatening to marry some dreadful woman to whom Ned had introduced him, and that they could do nothing with him because now he’s of age he has his own money. You can fancy how poor Miss Jane felt—she came to me at once, and seemed to think that if I could get her something to do she could earn enough to pay Ned’s debts and send him away—I’m afraid she has no idea how long it would take her to pay for one of his evenings at bridge. And he was horribly in debt when he came back from the cruise—I can’t see why he should have spent so much more money under Bertha’s influence than Carry’s: can you?”
Miss Farish paused with a sigh that reflected the confusion of her departing visitor. “But that’s not all; it’s not even the worst part. Apparently, Ned has had a falling out with the Dorsets; or at least Bertha won’t let him see her, and he’s so upset about it that he’s started gambling again and hanging out with all sorts of strange people. And cousin Grace Van Osburgh is blaming him for having a really bad influence on Freddy, who left Harvard last spring and has been spending a lot of time with Ned ever since. She called for Miss Jane and made a huge scene; and Jack Stepney and Herbert Melson, who were there too, told Miss Jane that Freddy is threatening to marry some awful woman that Ned introduced him to, and that they can’t do anything about it because now that he’s of age, he has his own money. You can imagine how upset Miss Jane was—she came to me right away and seemed to think that if I could get her something to do, she could earn enough to pay off Ned’s debts and send him away—I’m afraid she has no clue how long it would take her to cover even one of his nights at bridge. And he was deeply in debt when he got back from the cruise—I just don’t understand why he should have spent so much more money under Bertha’s influence than Carry’s: do you?”
Lily met this query with an impatient gesture. “My dear Gerty, I always understand how people can spend much more money—never how they can spend any less!”
Lily responded to this question with an annoyed gesture. “My dear Gerty, I always get how people can spend way more money—never how they can spend any less!”
She loosened her furs and settled herself in Gerty’s easy-chair, while her friend busied herself with the tea-cups.
She took off her furs and got comfortable in Gerty’s armchair, while her friend busied herself with the teacups.
“But what can they do—the Miss Silvertons? How do they mean to support themselves?” she asked, conscious that the note of irritation still persisted in her voice. It was the very last topic she had meant to discuss—it really did not interest her in the least—but she was seized by a sudden perverse curiosity to know how the two colourless shrinking victims of young Silverton’s sentimental experiments meant to cope with the grim necessity which lurked so close to her own threshold.
“But what can they do—the Miss Silvertons? How do they plan to support themselves?” she asked, aware that there was still a hint of irritation in her voice. It was the last thing she wanted to talk about—it honestly didn’t interest her at all—but she was suddenly struck by a curious need to understand how the two pale, timid victims of young Silverton’s romantic pursuits intended to handle the harsh reality that loomed so close to her own doorstep.
“I don’t know—I am trying to find something for them. Miss Jane reads aloud very nicely—but it’s so hard to find any one who is willing to be read to. And Miss Annie paints a little——”
“I don’t know—I’m trying to find something for them. Miss Jane reads aloud really well—but it’s so hard to find anyone who wants to be read to. And Miss Annie paints a little——”
“Oh, I know—apple-blossoms on blotting-paper; just the kind of thing I shall be doing myself before long!” exclaimed Lily, starting up with a vehemence of movement that threatened destruction to Miss Farish’s fragile tea-table.
“Oh, I know—apple blossoms on blotting paper; just the kind of thing I'll be doing myself soon!” Lily exclaimed, jumping up with such force that it nearly toppled Miss Farish’s delicate tea table.
Lily bent over to steady the cups; then she sank back into her seat. “I’d forgotten there was no room to dash about in—how beautifully one does have to behave in a small flat! Oh, Gerty, I wasn’t meant to be good,” she sighed out incoherently.
Lily leaned over to steady the cups; then she settled back into her seat. “I completely forgot there’s no space to move around—how perfectly one has to act in a small apartment! Oh, Gerty, I wasn’t meant to be good,” she sighed out nonsensically.
Gerty lifted an apprehensive look to her pale face, in which the eyes shone with a peculiar sleepless lustre.
Gerty raised an anxious glance to her pale face, where her eyes glimmered with an unusual sleepless shine.
“You look horribly tired, Lily; take your tea, and let me give you this cushion to lean against.”
“You look really tired, Lily; have some tea, and let me give you this cushion to lean on.”
Miss Bart accepted the cup of tea, but put back the cushion with an impatient hand.
Miss Bart accepted the cup of tea but pushed the cushion back with an impatient hand.
“Don’t give me that! I don’t want to lean back—I shall go to sleep if I do.”
“Stop it! I don’t want to lean back—I’ll fall asleep if I do.”
“Well, why not, dear? I’ll be as quiet as a mouse,” Gerty urged affectionately.
“Well, why not, dear? I’ll be as quiet as a mouse,” Gerty encouraged warmly.
“No—no; don’t be quiet; talk to me—keep me awake! I don’t sleep at night, and in the afternoon a dreadful drowsiness creeps over me.”
"No—no; don’t be quiet; talk to me—keep me awake! I can’t sleep at night, and in the afternoon, a terrible drowsiness takes over."
“You don’t sleep at night? Since when?”
“You don’t sleep at night? Since when?”
“I don’t know—I can’t remember.” She rose and put the empty cup on the tea-tray. “Another, and stronger, please; if I don’t keep awake now I shall see horrors tonight—perfect horrors!”
“I don’t know—I can’t remember.” She stood up and placed the empty cup on the tea tray. “Another one, and make it stronger, please; if I don’t stay awake now, I’ll end up seeing nightmares tonight—total nightmares!”
“But they’ll be worse if you drink too much tea.”
“But they’ll be worse if you drink too much tea.”
“No, no—give it to me; and don’t preach, please,” Lily returned imperiously. Her voice had a dangerous edge, and Gerty noticed that her hand shook as she held it out to receive the second cup.
“No, no—give it to me; and don’t lecture me, please,” Lily said firmly. Her voice had a sharp tone, and Gerty noticed that her hand trembled as she reached out to take the second cup.
“But you look so tired: I’m sure you must be ill——”
“But you look so tired: I’m sure you must be sick——”
Miss Bart set down her cup with a start. “Do I look ill? Does my face show it?” She rose and walked quickly toward the little mirror above the writing-table. “What a horrid looking-glass—it’s all blotched and discoloured. Any one would look ghastly in it!” She turned back, fixing her plaintive eyes on Gerty. “You stupid dear, why do you say such odious things to me? It’s enough to make one ill to be told one looks so! And looking ill means looking ugly.” She caught Gerty’s wrists, and drew her close to the window. “After all, I’d rather know the truth. Look me straight in the face, Gerty, and tell me: am I perfectly frightful?”
Miss Bart put down her cup abruptly. “Do I look sick? Can you see it on my face?” She got up and quickly walked over to the small mirror above the writing table. “What a terrible mirror—it’s all smudged and discolored. Anyone would look awful in it!” She turned back, her eyes full of sadness focused on Gerty. “You silly dear, why do you say such horrible things to me? It’s enough to make someone feel unwell to be told they look like that! And looking unwell means looking ugly.” She grabbed Gerty's wrists and pulled her close to the window. “In the end, I’d rather hear the truth. Look me straight in the eye, Gerty, and tell me: do I look completely frightening?”
“You’re perfectly beautiful now, Lily: your eyes are shining, and your cheeks have grown so pink all of a sudden——”
“You look absolutely beautiful now, Lily: your eyes are sparkling, and your cheeks have suddenly turned so pink——”
“Ah, they WERE pale, then—ghastly pale, when I came in? Why don’t you tell me frankly that I’m a wreck? My eyes are bright now because I’m so nervous—but in the mornings they look like lead. And I can see the lines coming in my face—the lines of worry and disappointment and failure! Every sleepless night leaves a new one—and how can I sleep, when I have such dreadful things to think about?”
“Ah, they were pale, right? Like really ghastly pale when I walked in? Why don’t you just tell me straight up that I look like a wreck? My eyes are bright now because I'm so nervous—but in the mornings they look dull as lead. And I can see the lines starting to show on my face—the lines from worry and disappointment and failure! Every sleepless night adds a new one—and how can I sleep when I have such awful things on my mind?”
“Dreadful things—what things?” asked Gerty, gently detaching her wrists from her friend’s feverish fingers.
“Terrible things—what things?” Gerty asked, gently pulling her wrists away from her friend’s anxious grip.
“What things? Well, poverty, for one—and I don’t know any that’s more dreadful.” Lily turned away and sank with sudden weariness into the easy-chair near the tea-table. “You asked me just now if I could understand why Ned Silverton spent so much money. Of course I understand—he spends it on living with the rich. You think we live ON the rich, rather than with them: and so we do, in a sense—but it’s a privilege we have to pay for! We eat their dinners, and drink their wine, and smoke their cigarettes, and use their carriages and their opera-boxes and their private cars—yes, but there’s a tax to pay on every one of those luxuries. The man pays it by big tips to the servants, by playing cards beyond his means, by flowers and presents—and—and—lots of other things that cost; the girl pays it by tips and cards too—oh, yes, I’ve had to take up bridge again—and by going to the best dress-makers, and having just the right dress for every occasion, and always keeping herself fresh and exquisite and amusing!”
“What things? Well, poverty, for one—and I don’t know anything worse.” Lily turned away and sank into the easy chair near the tea table with a sudden sense of fatigue. “You just asked me if I could understand why Ned Silverton spends so much money. Of course I get it—he spends it to live among the rich. You think we live OFF the rich, rather than with them: and in a way, that’s true—but it’s a privilege we have to pay for! We eat their dinners, drink their wine, smoke their cigarettes, and use their carriages and opera boxes and private trains—yes, but there's a cost for every one of those luxuries. The man pays it through big tips to the staff, by gambling beyond his limits, and by buying flowers and gifts—and—and—lots of other things that add up; the girl pays it with tips and gambling too—oh, yes, I’ve had to get back into bridge—and by going to the best dressmakers, making sure she has the perfect outfit for every occasion, and always keeping herself looking fresh, stunning, and fun!”
She leaned back for a moment, closing her eyes, and as she sat there, her pale lips slightly parted, and the lids dropped above her fagged brilliant gaze, Gerty had a startled perception of the change in her face—of the way in which an ashen daylight seemed suddenly to extinguish its artificial brightness. She looked up, and the vision vanished.
She leaned back for a moment, closing her eyes, and as she sat there, her pale lips slightly parted, and her eyelids lowered over her tired, bright gaze, Gerty suddenly noticed the change in her face—how a gray daylight seemed to suddenly dim its artificial brightness. She looked up, and the vision disappeared.
“It doesn’t sound very amusing, does it? And it isn’t—I’m sick to death of it! And yet the thought of giving it all up nearly kills me—it’s what keeps me awake at night, and makes me so crazy for your strong tea. For I can’t go on in this way much longer, you know—I’m nearly at the end of my tether. And then what can I do—how on earth am I to keep myself alive? I see myself reduced to the fate of that poor Silverton woman—slinking about to employment agencies, and trying to sell painted blotting-pads to Women’s Exchanges! And there are thousands and thousands of women trying to do the same thing already, and not one of the number who has less idea how to earn a dollar than I have!”
“It doesn’t sound very fun, does it? And it isn’t—I’m completely fed up with it! And yet the thought of giving it all up nearly drives me crazy—it’s what keeps me up at night and makes me crave your strong tea. I can’t keep going like this much longer, you know—I’m almost at my breaking point. And then what will I do—how on earth am I supposed to survive? I see myself ending up like that poor Silverton woman—sneaking around to job agencies and trying to sell painted blotting pads to Women’s Exchanges! And there are thousands and thousands of women already trying to do the same thing, and not one of them has a better idea of how to make a dollar than I do!”
She rose again with a hurried glance at the clock. “It’s late, and I must be off—I have an appointment with Carry Fisher. Don’t look so worried, you dear thing—don’t think too much about the nonsense I’ve been talking.” She was before the mirror again, adjusting her hair with a light hand, drawing down her veil, and giving a dexterous touch to her furs. “Of course, you know, it hasn’t come to the employment agencies and the painted blotting-pads yet; but I’m rather hard up just for the moment, and if I could find something to do—notes to write and visiting-lists to make up, or that kind of thing—it would tide me over till the legacy is paid. And Carry has promised to find somebody who wants a kind of social secretary—you know she makes a specialty of the helpless rich.”
She got up again with a quick look at the clock. “It’s late, and I have to go—I have an appointment with Carry Fisher. Don’t look so worried, you sweet thing—don’t overthink all the nonsense I’ve been saying.” She stood in front of the mirror again, lightly adjusting her hair, pulling down her veil, and giving a quick fix to her furs. “Of course, you know, it hasn’t reached the employment agencies and the flashy job listings yet; but I’m a bit short on cash right now, and if I could find something to do—like writing notes and putting together guest lists, or that sort of thing—it would help me get by until the inheritance comes through. And Carry has promised to find someone who needs a kind of social secretary—you know she specializes in helping the wealthy who can’t manage on their own.”
Miss Bart had not revealed to Gerty the full extent of her anxiety. She was in fact in urgent and immediate need of money: money to meet the vulgar weekly claims which could neither be deferred nor evaded. To give up her apartment, and shrink to the obscurity of a boarding-house, or the provisional hospitality of a bed in Gerty Farish’s sitting-room, was an expedient which could only postpone the problem confronting her; and it seemed wiser as well as more agreeable to remain where she was and find some means of earning her living. The possibility of having to do this was one which she had never before seriously considered, and the discovery that, as a bread-winner, she was likely to prove as helpless and ineffectual as poor Miss Silverton, was a severe shock to her self-confidence.
Miss Bart hadn't told Gerty the full extent of her worries. She was actually in desperate need of money: money to cover the harsh weekly expenses that couldn’t be delayed or avoided. Giving up her apartment and settling into the anonymity of a boarding house, or even the temporary arrangement of a bed in Gerty Farish’s living room, would only delay the issue she was facing; it seemed smarter and more pleasant to stay where she was and find a way to earn a living. The idea of having to do this was something she had never seriously thought about before, and realizing that, as a breadwinner, she was likely to be just as helpless and ineffective as poor Miss Silverton was a huge blow to her self-confidence.
Having been accustomed to take herself at the popular valuation, as a person of energy and resource, naturally fitted to dominate any situation in which she found herself, she vaguely imagined that such gifts would be of value to seekers after social guidance; but there was unfortunately no specific head under which the art of saying and doing the right thing could be offered in the market, and even Mrs. Fisher’s resourcefulness failed before the difficulty of discovering a workable vein in the vague wealth of Lily’s graces. Mrs. Fisher was full of indirect expedients for enabling her friends to earn a living, and could conscientiously assert that she had put several opportunities of this kind before Lily; but more legitimate methods of bread-winning were as much out of her line as they were beyond the capacity of the sufferers she was generally called upon to assist. Lily’s failure to profit by the chances already afforded her might, moreover, have justified the abandonment of farther effort on her behalf; but Mrs. Fisher’s inexhaustible good-nature made her an adept at creating artificial demands in response to an actual supply. In the pursuance of this end she at once started on a voyage of discovery in Miss Bart’s behalf; and as the result of her explorations she now summoned the latter with the announcement that she had “found something.”
Having always thought of herself as a person with energy and resources, naturally fit to handle any situation, she vaguely believed that those qualities would be valuable to people looking for social guidance. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a clear way to offer the skill of saying and doing the right thing in the marketplace, and even Mrs. Fisher’s cleverness struggled with finding a practical way to tap into Lily’s vague charms. Mrs. Fisher had plenty of indirect ways to help her friends make a living and could honestly say that she had presented several opportunities to Lily. However, more straightforward methods of earning a living were just as much outside her expertise as they were beyond the ability of the people she usually tried to help. Lily’s inability to benefit from the opportunities already given to her might have justified giving up on her altogether, but Mrs. Fisher’s never-ending kindness made her skilled at creating artificial demands to match an existing supply. To this end, she immediately began a quest on Miss Bart’s behalf and, as a result of her efforts, she called Lily in to announce that she had “found something.”
Left to herself, Gerty mused distressfully upon her friend’s plight, and her own inability to relieve it. It was clear to her that Lily, for the present, had no wish for the kind of help she could give. Miss Farish could see no hope for her friend but in a life completely reorganized and detached from its old associations; whereas all Lily’s energies were centred in the determined effort to hold fast to those associations, to keep herself visibly identified with them, as long as the illusion could be maintained. Pitiable as such an attitude seemed to Gerty, she could not judge it as harshly as Selden, for instance, might have done. She had not forgotten the night of emotion when she and Lily had lain in each other’s arms, and she had seemed to feel her very heart’s blood passing into her friend. The sacrifice she had made had seemed unavailing enough; no trace remained in Lily of the subduing influences of that hour; but Gerty’s tenderness, disciplined by long years of contact with obscure and inarticulate suffering, could wait on its object with a silent forbearance which took no account of time. She could not, however, deny herself the solace of taking anxious counsel with Lawrence Selden, with whom, since his return from Europe, she had renewed her old relation of cousinly confidence.
Left to her thoughts, Gerty worried about her friend’s situation and her own inability to help. She realized that, for now, Lily didn’t want the type of support she could offer. Miss Farish saw no hope for Lily except a complete overhaul of her life, detached from her old connections; meanwhile, all of Lily’s efforts were focused on desperately trying to hold onto those connections, keeping herself visibly linked to them for as long as the illusion lasted. Though Gerty found this attitude pitiable, she couldn’t judge it as harshly as Selden might have. She still remembered the night filled with emotion when she and Lily lay in each other’s arms, feeling as if her very lifeblood was flowing into her friend. The sacrifice she made felt futile; there was no sign left in Lily of the calming influence from that moment. However, Gerty’s compassion, shaped by years of witnessing silent suffering, could patiently wait without regard for time. Still, she couldn’t resist the comfort of seeking advice from Lawrence Selden, with whom she had rekindled her old bond of cousinly trust since his return from Europe.
Selden himself had never been aware of any change in their relation. He found Gerty as he had left her, simple, undemanding and devoted, but with a quickened intelligence of the heart which he recognized without seeking to explain it. To Gerty herself it would once have seemed impossible that she should ever again talk freely with him of Lily Bart; but what had passed in the secrecy of her own breast seemed to resolve itself, when the mist of the struggle cleared, into a breaking down of the bounds of self, a deflecting of the wasted personal emotion into the general current of human understanding.
Selden had never noticed any change in their relationship. He found Gerty just as he had left her—simple, easygoing, and devoted—but with a deeper emotional awareness that he recognized without needing to explain it. For Gerty, it would have once seemed impossible to talk openly with him about Lily Bart again; however, what had happened in the privacy of her own heart seemed to transform, once the struggle had cleared, into breaking down the walls of self, redirecting the wasted personal feelings into a broader understanding of humanity.
It was not till some two weeks after her visit from Lily that Gerty had the opportunity of communicating her fears to Selden. The latter, having presented himself on a Sunday afternoon, had lingered on through the dowdy animation of his cousin’s tea-hour, conscious of something in her voice and eye which solicited a word apart; and as soon as the last visitor was gone Gerty opened her case by asking how lately he had seen Miss Bart.
It was about two weeks after Lily's visit that Gerty finally had the chance to share her concerns with Selden. He had dropped by on a Sunday afternoon and stayed through the dull excitement of his cousin’s tea hour, aware of something in her voice and look that hinted at wanting to speak privately. As soon as the last guest left, Gerty started the conversation by asking how recently he had seen Miss Bart.
Selden’s perceptible pause gave her time for a slight stir of surprise.
Selden’s noticeable pause gave her a moment of mild surprise.
“I haven’t seen her at all—I’ve perpetually missed seeing her since she came back.”
“I haven’t seen her at all—I’ve constantly missed seeing her since she came back.”
This unexpected admission made Gerty pause too; and she was still hesitating on the brink of her subject when he relieved her by adding: “I’ve wanted to see her—but she seems to have been absorbed by the Gormer set since her return from Europe.”
This unexpected confession made Gerty pause as well; and she was still hesitating before diving into her topic when he eased her mind by adding: “I’ve wanted to see her—but she seems to have been caught up with the Gormer crowd since she got back from Europe.”
“That’s all the more reason: she’s been very unhappy.”
"That's even more reason: she's been really unhappy."
“Unhappy at being with the Gormers?”
“Unhappy about being with the Gormers?”
“Oh, I don’t defend her intimacy with the Gormers; but that too is at an end now, I think. You know people have been very unkind since Bertha Dorset quarrelled with her.”
“Oh, I don’t support her closeness with the Gormers; but that seems to be over now, I think. You know people have been really unkind since Bertha Dorset had that argument with her.”
“Ah——” Selden exclaimed, rising abruptly to walk to the window, where he remained with his eyes on the darkening street while his cousin continued to explain: “Judy Trenor and her own family have deserted her too—and all because Bertha Dorset has said such horrible things. And she is very poor—you know Mrs. Peniston cut her off with a small legacy, after giving her to understand that she was to have everything.”
“Ah—” Selden exclaimed, getting up quickly to walk to the window, where he stayed with his gaze on the darkening street as his cousin continued explaining: “Judy Trenor and her family have abandoned her too—and all because Bertha Dorset has said such terrible things. And she’s really struggling financially—you know Mrs. Peniston left her a small inheritance after making it clear she was supposed to have everything.”
“Yes—I know,” Selden assented curtly, turning back into the room, but only to stir about with restless steps in the circumscribed space between door and window. “Yes—she’s been abominably treated; but it’s unfortunately the precise thing that a man who wants to show his sympathy can’t say to her.”
“Yes—I know,” Selden agreed briefly, turning back into the room, but only to pace restlessly in the limited space between the door and the window. “Yes—she’s been treated horribly; but unfortunately, that’s exactly what a guy who wants to show his sympathy can't say to her.”
His words caused Gerty a slight chill of disappointment. “There would be other ways of showing your sympathy,” she suggested.
His words gave Gerty a slight chill of disappointment. “There are other ways to show your sympathy,” she suggested.
Selden, with a slight laugh, sat down beside her on the little sofa which projected from the hearth. “What are you thinking of, you incorrigible missionary?” he asked.
Selden, chuckling a little, sat down next to her on the small sofa by the hearth. “What’s on your mind, you hopeless missionary?” he asked.
Gerty’s colour rose, and her blush was for a moment her only answer. Then she made it more explicit by saying: “I am thinking of the fact that you and she used to be great friends—that she used to care immensely for what you thought of her—and that, if she takes your staying away as a sign of what you think now, I can imagine its adding a great deal to her unhappiness.”
Gerty’s face turned red, and for a moment, her blush was her only response. Then she made it clearer by saying, “I’m thinking about how you and she used to be really close friends—that she really cared about what you thought of her—and if she sees your absence as a sign of how you feel now, I can see how that could make her even more unhappy.”
“My dear child, don’t add to it still more—at least to your conception of it—by attributing to her all sorts of susceptibilities of your own.” Selden, for his life, could not keep a note of dryness out of his voice; but he met Gerty’s look of perplexity by saying more mildly: “But, though you immensely exaggerate the importance of anything I could do for Miss Bart, you can’t exaggerate my readiness to do it—if you ask me to.” He laid his hand for a moment on hers, and there passed between them, on the current of the rare contact, one of those exchanges of meaning which fill the hidden reservoirs of affection. Gerty had the feeling that he measured the cost of her request as plainly as she read the significance of his reply; and the sense of all that was suddenly clear between them made her next words easier to find.
“My dear child, don’t make it worse—at least in how you view it—by projecting your own sensitivities onto her.” Selden, despite his best efforts, couldn’t keep the dryness out of his voice; but he softened Gerty’s look of confusion by saying more gently: “Even though you really overstate how much I could help Miss Bart, you can’t overstate my willingness to do it—if you ask me.” He placed his hand briefly on hers, and in that rare moment of contact, they shared one of those unspoken exchanges of meaning that fills the hidden wells of affection. Gerty felt that he understood the weight of her request as clearly as she understood the depth of his response; and the clarity of everything suddenly between them made her next words easier to articulate.
“I do ask you, then; I ask you because she once told me that you had been a help to her, and because she needs help now as she has never needed it before. You know how dependent she has always been on ease and luxury—how she has hated what was shabby and ugly and uncomfortable. She can’t help it—she was brought up with those ideas, and has never been able to find her way out of them. But now all the things she cared for have been taken from her, and the people who taught her to care for them have abandoned her too; and it seems to me that if some one could reach out a hand and show her the other side—show her how much is left in life and in herself——” Gerty broke off, abashed at the sound of her own eloquence, and impeded by the difficulty of giving precise expression to her vague yearning for her friend’s retrieval. “I can’t help her myself: she’s passed out of my reach,” she continued. “I think she’s afraid of being a burden to me. When she was last here, two weeks ago, she seemed dreadfully worried about her future: she said Carry Fisher was trying to find something for her to do. A few days later she wrote me that she had taken a position as private secretary, and that I was not to be anxious, for everything was all right, and she would come in and tell me about it when she had time; but she has never come, and I don’t like to go to her, because I am afraid of forcing myself on her when I’m not wanted. Once, when we were children, and I had rushed up after a long separation, and thrown my arms about her, she said: ‘Please don’t kiss me unless I ask you to, Gerty’—and she DID ask me, a minute later; but since then I’ve always waited to be asked.”
“I’m asking you this because she once told me you had helped her, and she needs help now more than ever. You know how much she has always relied on comfort and luxury—how she has always detested anything shabby, ugly, or uncomfortable. It’s not her fault—she was raised with those beliefs and has never been able to break free from them. But now, everything she cared about has been taken away, and the people who taught her to value those things have left her too. It seems to me that if someone could reach out and show her the other side—show her how much is still left in life and in herself...” Gerty stopped, taken aback by her own passion, struggling to articulate her vague wish for her friend's recovery. “I can’t help her myself: she’s beyond my reach,” she continued. “I think she’s afraid of being a burden to me. When she was here two weeks ago, she seemed incredibly worried about her future; she mentioned that Carry Fisher was trying to find her something to do. A few days later, she wrote to say she had accepted a job as a private secretary and told me not to worry, as everything was fine, and that she would come by to tell me about it when she had time; but she never came, and I don’t want to visit her, because I’m scared of imposing when I'm not wanted. Once, when we were kids, I rushed up to her after a long time apart and hugged her. She said, ‘Please don’t kiss me unless I ask you to, Gerty’—and she DID ask me a minute later; but since then, I’ve always waited to be invited.”
Selden had listened in silence, with the concentrated look which his thin dark face could assume when he wished to guard it against any involuntary change of expression. When his cousin ended, he said with a slight smile: “Since you’ve learned the wisdom of waiting, I don’t see why you urge me to rush in—” but the troubled appeal of her eyes made him add, as he rose to take leave: “Still, I’ll do what you wish, and not hold you responsible for my failure.”
Selden had listened quietly, with the focused expression that his thin, dark face could take on when he wanted to prevent any unintentional change in his expression. When his cousin finished speaking, he said with a slight smile: “Since you’ve figured out the wisdom of waiting, I don’t see why you want me to rush in—” but the worried look in her eyes prompted him to add, as he stood up to leave: “Still, I’ll do what you want, and I won’t blame you if I fail.”
Selden’s avoidance of Miss Bart had not been as unintentional as he had allowed his cousin to think. At first, indeed, while the memory of their last hour at Monte Carlo still held the full heat of his indignation, he had anxiously watched for her return; but she had disappointed him by lingering in England, and when she finally reappeared it happened that business had called him to the West, whence he came back only to learn that she was starting for Alaska with the Gormers. The revelation of this suddenly-established intimacy effectually chilled his desire to see her. If, at a moment when her whole life seemed to be breaking up, she could cheerfully commit its reconstruction to the Gormers, there was no reason why such accidents should ever strike her as irreparable. Every step she took seemed in fact to carry her farther from the region where, once or twice, he and she had met for an illumined moment; and the recognition of this fact, when its first pang had been surmounted, produced in him a sense of negative relief. It was much simpler for him to judge Miss Bart by her habitual conduct than by the rare deviations from it which had thrown her so disturbingly in his way; and every act of hers which made the recurrence of such deviations more unlikely, confirmed the sense of relief with which he returned to the conventional view of her.
Selden’s avoidance of Miss Bart hadn’t been as unintentional as he had led his cousin to believe. At first, while the memory of their last hour at Monte Carlo still burned with indignation, he anxiously waited for her return. But she disappointed him by staying in England, and when she finally came back, he had to go out West for work. When he returned, he learned she was heading to Alaska with the Gormers. Discovering this sudden closeness effectively dampened his desire to see her. If, at a time when her whole life seemed to be falling apart, she could happily leave its rebuilding to the Gormers, there was no reason for her to see such setbacks as irreversible. Every step she took seemed to pull her further away from the moments they had shared, and once he got past the initial sting of that realization, he felt a sense of negative relief. It was much easier for him to judge Miss Bart by her usual behavior rather than the rare moments that had upset him, and every action of hers that made such rare occurrences less likely only reinforced the relief he felt as he returned to seeing her in a more conventional light.
But Gerty Farish’s words had sufficed to make him see how little this view was really his, and how impossible it was for him to live quietly with the thought of Lily Bart. To hear that she was in need of help—even such vague help as he could offer—was to be at once repossessed by that thought; and by the time he reached the street he had sufficiently convinced himself of the urgency of his cousin’s appeal to turn his steps directly toward Lily’s hotel.
But Gerty Farish’s words had made him realize how little this perspective truly belonged to him, and how impossible it was for him to live comfortably with the idea of Lily Bart. Hearing that she needed help—even the vague kind he could provide—immediately brought that thought back to him; and by the time he reached the street, he had convinced himself enough of his cousin’s urgent appeal to head straight to Lily’s hotel.
There his zeal met a check in the unforeseen news that Miss Bart had moved away; but, on his pressing his enquiries, the clerk remembered that she had left an address, for which he presently began to search through his books.
There, his enthusiasm hit a snag when he unexpectedly learned that Miss Bart had moved away; however, when he pressed for more information, the clerk recalled that she had left an address, which he quickly began to look for in his records.
It was certainly strange that she should have taken this step without letting Gerty Farish know of her decision; and Selden waited with a vague sense of uneasiness while the address was sought for. The process lasted long enough for uneasiness to turn to apprehension; but when at length a slip of paper was handed him, and he read on it: “Care of Mrs. Norma Hatch, Emporium Hotel,” his apprehension passed into an incredulous stare, and this into the gesture of disgust with which he tore the paper in two, and turned to walk quickly homeward.
It was definitely odd that she had made this choice without informing Gerty Farish; Selden waited with a vague feeling of unease while they looked for the address. The search took long enough for that unease to turn into real concern; but when a slip of paper was finally handed to him, and he read: “Care of Mrs. Norma Hatch, Emporium Hotel,” his concern turned into disbelief, which quickly shifted to disgust as he tore the paper in two and started walking swiftly home.
Chapter 9
When Lily woke on the morning after her translation to the Emporium Hotel, her first feeling was one of purely physical satisfaction. The force of contrast gave an added keenness to the luxury of lying once more in a soft-pillowed bed, and looking across a spacious sunlit room at a breakfast-table set invitingly near the fire. Analysis and introspection might come later; but for the moment she was not even troubled by the excesses of the upholstery or the restless convolutions of the furniture. The sense of being once more lapped and folded in ease, as in some dense mild medium impenetrable to discomfort, effectually stilled the faintest note of criticism.
When Lily woke up the morning after her move to the Emporium Hotel, her first feeling was one of pure physical satisfaction. The stark contrast heightened the pleasure of lying once again in a soft-pillowed bed and looking across a spacious sunlit room at a breakfast table set invitingly near the fire. She could think and analyze later; for now, she wasn't even bothered by the excesses of the decor or the restless shapes of the furniture. The feeling of being wrapped in comfort, as if in some thick, soothing environment that kept discomfort at bay, effectively quieted any hint of criticism.
When, the afternoon before, she had presented herself to the lady to whom Carry Fisher had directed her, she had been conscious of entering a new world. Carry’s vague presentment of Mrs. Norma Hatch (whose reversion to her Christian name was explained as the result of her latest divorce), left her under the implication of coming “from the West,” with the not unusual extenuation of having brought a great deal of money with her. She was, in short, rich, helpless, unplaced: the very subject for Lily’s hand. Mrs. Fisher had not specified the line her friend was to take; she owned herself unacquainted with Mrs. Hatch, whom she “knew about” through Melville Stancy, a lawyer in his leisure moments, and the Falstaff of a certain section of festive club life. Socially, Mr. Stancy might have been said to form a connecting link between the Gormer world and the more dimly-lit region on which Miss Bart now found herself entering. It was, however, only figuratively that the illumination of Mrs. Hatch’s world could be described as dim: in actual fact, Lily found her seated in a blaze of electric light, impartially projected from various ornamental excrescences on a vast concavity of pink damask and gilding, from which she rose like Venus from her shell. The analogy was justified by the appearance of the lady, whose large-eyed prettiness had the fixity of something impaled and shown under glass. This did not preclude the immediate discovery that she was some years younger than her visitor, and that under her showiness, her ease, the aggression of her dress and voice, there persisted that ineradicable innocence which, in ladies of her nationality, so curiously coexists with startling extremes of experience.
When she showed up the afternoon before to meet the lady Carry Fisher had directed her to, she felt like she was stepping into a new world. Carry's vague description of Mrs. Norma Hatch (who reverted to her first name after her latest divorce) left her with the impression that she came “from the West,” which included the common assumption that she had brought a lot of money with her. In short, she was rich, helpless, and out of place: the perfect target for Lily’s ambitions. Mrs. Fisher hadn’t made it clear what approach her friend should take; she admitted she didn’t know Mrs. Hatch personally but "knew of her" through Melville Stancy, a lawyer who was also a sort of party figure in a certain social scene. Socially speaking, Mr. Stancy could be seen as a bridge between the Gormer social circle and the murkier area Miss Bart was now entering. However, calling the lighting of Mrs. Hatch’s world dim was only figurative; in reality, Lily found her surrounded by bright electric light pouring from various decorative fixtures on a huge expanse of pink damask and gold, rising like Venus from her shell. This analogy was fitting based on the lady’s appearance, whose large-eyed beauty had the fixed quality of something displayed under glass. This didn’t stop Lily from quickly noticing that Mrs. Hatch was several years younger than her and that beneath her flashy style, her poise, and the boldness of her dress and voice, there remained that undeniable innocence which, in women of her background, strangely coexists with dramatic extremes of life experience.
The environment in which Lily found herself was as strange to her as its inhabitants. She was unacquainted with the world of the fashionable New York hotel—a world over-heated, over-upholstered, and over-fitted with mechanical appliances for the gratification of fantastic requirements, while the comforts of a civilized life were as unattainable as in a desert. Through this atmosphere of torrid splendour moved wan beings as richly upholstered as the furniture, beings without definite pursuits or permanent relations, who drifted on a languid tide of curiosity from restaurant to concert-hall, from palm-garden to music-room, from “art exhibit” to dress-maker’s opening. High-stepping horses or elaborately equipped motors waited to carry these ladies into vague metropolitan distances, whence they returned, still more wan from the weight of their sables, to be sucked back into the stifling inertia of the hotel routine. Somewhere behind them, in the background of their lives, there was doubtless a real past, peopled by real human activities: they themselves were probably the product of strong ambitions, persistent energies, diversified contacts with the wholesome roughness of life; yet they had no more real existence than the poet’s shades in limbo.
The environment Lily found herself in was as strange to her as its inhabitants. She wasn’t familiar with the world of the trendy New York hotel—a space that was overheated, overly furnished, and packed with mechanical devices for extravagant needs, while the comforts of civilized life felt as unreachable as in a desert. Through this atmosphere of oppressive luxury moved pale figures as richly adorned as the furniture, individuals without clear goals or lasting relationships, drifting on a lazy wave of curiosity from restaurant to concert hall, from palm garden to music room, from "art exhibit" to dressmaker’s opening. High-stepping horses or fancy cars waited to take these women into vague city landscapes, where they would return, looking even more worn out from the burden of their furs, only to be pulled back into the suffocating routine of the hotel. Somewhere behind them, in the backdrop of their lives, there had to be a genuine past, filled with real human activities: they were likely the outcome of strong ambitions, persistent energies, and varied interactions with the roughness of life; yet they had no more real existence than the poet’s shadows in limbo.
Lily had not been long in this pallid world without discovering that Mrs. Hatch was its most substantial figure. That lady, though still floating in the void, showed faint symptoms of developing an outline; and in this endeavour she was actively seconded by Mr. Melville Stancy. It was Mr. Stancy, a man of large resounding presence, suggestive of convivial occasions and of a chivalry finding expression in “first-night” boxes and thousand dollar bonbonnieres, who had transplanted Mrs. Hatch from the scene of her first development to the higher stage of hotel life in the metropolis. It was he who had selected the horses with which she had taken the blue ribbon at the Show, had introduced her to the photographer whose portraits of her formed the recurring ornament of “Sunday Supplements,” and had got together the group which constituted her social world. It was a small group still, with heterogeneous figures suspended in large unpeopled spaces; but Lily did not take long to learn that its regulation was no longer in Mr. Stancy’s hands. As often happens, the pupil had outstripped the teacher, and Mrs. Hatch was already aware of heights of elegance as well as depths of luxury beyond the world of the Emporium. This discovery at once produced in her a craving for higher guidance, for the adroit feminine hand which should give the right turn to her correspondence, the right “look” to her hats, the right succession to the items of her MENUS. It was, in short, as the regulator of a germinating social life that Miss Bart’s guidance was required; her ostensible duties as secretary being restricted by the fact that Mrs. Hatch, as yet, knew hardly any one to write to.
Lily hadn’t been in this dull world for long before she realized that Mrs. Hatch was its most prominent figure. Though still somewhat lost in the background, that woman was showing signs of taking shape, and Mr. Melville Stancy was helping her do just that. Mr. Stancy, a man with a strong and memorable presence, reminiscent of festive gatherings and a kind of chivalry expressed through “first-night” tickets and thousand-dollar gift boxes, had moved Mrs. Hatch from her initial stage to the more glamorous setting of hotel life in the city. He had picked the horses that won her the blue ribbon at the Show, introduced her to the photographer whose portraits of her graced the “Sunday Supplements,” and assembled the group that made up her social circle. This group was still small, with a mix of people floating in large empty spaces, but Lily quickly learned that Mr. Stancy was no longer in control of it. As often happens, the student had surpassed the teacher, and Mrs. Hatch was already aware of levels of sophistication and indulgence beyond what the Emporium offered. This realization sparked a desire in her for better guidance, for the skilled feminine touch that could refine her correspondence, enhance the “look” of her hats, and curate the flow of her menus. Essentially, Miss Bart was needed as the organizer of a budding social life; her formal role as a secretary was limited since Mrs. Hatch hardly knew anyone to write to yet.
The daily details of Mrs. Hatch’s existence were as strange to Lily as its general tenor. The lady’s habits were marked by an Oriental indolence and disorder peculiarly trying to her companion. Mrs. Hatch and her friends seemed to float together outside the bounds of time and space. No definite hours were kept; no fixed obligations existed: night and day flowed into one another in a blur of confused and retarded engagements, so that one had the impression of lunching at the tea-hour, while dinner was often merged in the noisy after-theatre supper which prolonged Mrs. Hatch’s vigil till daylight.
The everyday details of Mrs. Hatch's life were as puzzling to Lily as its overall vibe. The lady's routines were marked by a leisurely indifference and chaos that particularly tested her companion's patience. Mrs. Hatch and her friends seemed to drift in a realm beyond time and space. There were no set hours; no fixed commitments existed: night and day blended together in a haze of mixed-up and delayed activities, so that it felt like having lunch at tea time, while dinner often blended into the loud late-night supper that stretched Mrs. Hatch's waking hours until dawn.
Through this jumble of futile activities came and went a strange throng of hangers-on—manicures, beauty-doctors, hair-dressers, teachers of bridge, of French, of “physical development”: figures sometimes indistinguishable, by their appearance, or by Mrs. Hatch’s relation to them, from the visitors constituting her recognized society. But strangest of all to Lily was the encounter, in this latter group, of several of her acquaintances. She had supposed, and not without relief, that she was passing, for the moment, completely out of her own circle; but she found that Mr. Stancy, one side of whose sprawling existence overlapped the edge of Mrs. Fisher’s world, had drawn several of its brightest ornaments into the circle of the Emporium. To find Ned Silverton among the habitual frequenters of Mrs. Hatch’s drawing-room was one of Lily’s first astonishments; but she soon discovered that he was not Mr. Stancy’s most important recruit. It was on little Freddy Van Osburgh, the small slim heir of the Van Osburgh millions, that the attention of Mrs. Hatch’s group was centred. Freddy, barely out of college, had risen above the horizon since Lily’s eclipse, and she now saw with surprise what an effulgence he shed on the outer twilight of Mrs. Hatch’s existence. This, then, was one of the things that young men “went in” for when released from the official social routine; this was the kind of “previous engagement” that so frequently caused them to disappoint the hopes of anxious hostesses. Lily had an odd sense of being behind the social tapestry, on the side where the threads were knotted and the loose ends hung. For a moment she found a certain amusement in the show, and in her own share of it: the situation had an ease and unconventionality distinctly refreshing after her experience of the irony of conventions. But these flashes of amusement were but brief reactions from the long disgust of her days. Compared with the vast gilded void of Mrs. Hatch’s existence, the life of Lily’s former friends seemed packed with ordered activities. Even the most irresponsible pretty woman of her acquaintance had her inherited obligations, her conventional benevolences, her share in the working of the great civic machine; and all hung together in the solidarity of these traditional functions. The performance of specific duties would have simplified Miss Bart’s position; but the vague attendance on Mrs. Hatch was not without its perplexities.
Through this chaotic mix of pointless activities came a strange crowd of various hangers-on—manicurists, beauty experts, hairstylists, bridge teachers, French instructors, and fitness coaches: at times, they were indistinguishable by their looks or by Mrs. Hatch’s relationship with them from the visitors in her established social circle. But what struck Lily most was running into several of her acquaintances within this latter group. She had thought, and not without some relief, that she was completely escaping her usual crowd, but she discovered that Mr. Stancy, who overlapped with Mrs. Fisher’s world, had drawn several of its most notable members into the orbit of the Emporium. Seeing Ned Silverton among the regulars in Mrs. Hatch’s drawing-room was one of Lily’s first surprises; however, she quickly realized he wasn’t even the most noteworthy addition. It was little Freddy Van Osburgh, the slim young heir to the Van Osburgh fortunes, who became the center of attention in Mrs. Hatch’s group. Freddy, just out of college, had emerged prominently since Lily’s fall from grace, and she was taken aback by the glow he brought to the dimming edges of Mrs. Hatch’s life. This, then, was something young men pursued when freed from the typical social routine; this was the type of “prior commitment” that often led to their disappointing the hopes of eager hostesses. Lily felt oddly like she was behind the social fabric, on the side where the threads were tangled and the loose ends were visible. For a moment, she found some amusement in the spectacle and in her part of it: the situation had a refreshing ease and unconventionality after her experiences with the irony of social norms. But these brief moments of amusement were just fleeting reactions to her long-standing feelings of disgust. Compared to the vast, empty extravagance of Mrs. Hatch’s life, the lives of Lily’s former friends appeared full of structured activities. Even the most carefree, attractive woman she knew had her inherited responsibilities, her social duties, and her role in the functioning of the larger community; all of these connected in the solidarity of their conventional roles. Fulfilling specific duties would have simplified Miss Bart’s position; however, the vague obligations tied to Mrs. Hatch were not without their challenges.
It was not her employer who created these perplexities. Mrs. Hatch showed from the first an almost touching desire for Lily’s approval. Far from asserting the superiority of wealth, her beautiful eyes seemed to urge the plea of inexperience: she wanted to do what was “nice,” to be taught how to be “lovely.” The difficulty was to find any point of contact between her ideals and Lily’s.
It wasn’t her boss who created these confusions. Mrs. Hatch displayed an almost heartfelt desire for Lily’s approval from the start. Instead of asserting the superiority of wealth, her beautiful eyes seemed to plead for understanding: she wanted to do what was “nice” and learn how to be “lovely.” The challenge was finding any common ground between her ideals and Lily’s.
Mrs. Hatch swam in a haze of indeterminate enthusiasms, of aspirations culled from the stage, the newspapers, the fashion journals, and a gaudy world of sport still more completely beyond her companion’s ken. To separate from these confused conceptions those most likely to advance the lady on her way, was Lily’s obvious duty; but its performance was hampered by rapidly-growing doubts. Lily was in fact becoming more and more aware of a certain ambiguity in her situation. It was not that she had, in the conventional sense, any doubt of Mrs. Hatch’s irreproachableness. The lady’s offences were always against taste rather than conduct; her divorce record seemed due to geographical rather than ethical conditions; and her worst laxities were likely to proceed from a wandering and extravagant good-nature. But if Lily did not mind her detaining her manicure for luncheon, or offering the “Beauty-Doctor” a seat in Freddy Van Osburgh’s box at the play, she was not equally at ease in regard to some less apparent lapses from convention. Ned Silverton’s relation to Stancy seemed, for instance, closer and less clear than any natural affinities would warrant; and both appeared united in the effort to cultivate Freddy Van Osburgh’s growing taste for Mrs. Hatch. There was as yet nothing definable in the situation, which might well resolve itself into a huge joke on the part of the other two; but Lily had a vague sense that the subject of their experiment was too young, too rich and too credulous. Her embarrassment was increased by the fact that Freddy seemed to regard her as cooperating with himself in the social development of Mrs. Hatch: a view that suggested, on his part, a permanent interest in the lady’s future. There were moments when Lily found an ironic amusement in this aspect of the case. The thought of launching such a missile as Mrs. Hatch at the perfidious bosom of society was not without its charm: Miss Bart had even beguiled her leisure with visions of the fair Norma introduced for the first time to a family banquet at the Van Osburghs’. But the thought of being personally connected with the transaction was less agreeable; and her momentary flashes of amusement were followed by increasing periods of doubt.
Mrs. Hatch swam in a haze of vague enthusiasms, aspirations drawn from the theater, newspapers, fashion magazines, and a flashy world of sports that was even more beyond her companion’s understanding. It was Lily’s obvious responsibility to sift through these confusing ideas and identify the ones most likely to help the lady along her path, but her ability to do so was hindered by growing doubts. Lily was becoming increasingly aware of a certain ambiguity in her situation. It wasn’t that she had any conventional doubts about Mrs. Hatch’s decency. The lady’s offenses were always against taste rather than behavior; her divorce history seemed to stem from circumstances rather than morality; and her worst indiscretions were likely due to a wandering and extravagant good nature. However, while Lily didn’t mind that Mrs. Hatch made her manicure wait for lunch or offered the “Beauty-Doctor” a seat in Freddy Van Osburgh’s box at the play, she wasn't as relaxed about some subtler breaches of convention. For instance, Ned Silverton’s connection to Stancy appeared to be closer and less straightforward than natural ties would suggest; and both seemed eager to cultivate Freddy Van Osburgh’s increasing interest in Mrs. Hatch. There was nothing definitive in the situation, which could very well be a big joke on the part of the other two; yet, Lily had a vague feeling that the subject of their experiment was too young, too wealthy, and too gullible. Her embarrassment was heightened by the fact that Freddy seemed to view her as a partner in the social grooming of Mrs. Hatch, which implied a lasting interest in the lady’s future on his part. At times, Lily found ironic amusement in this situation. The idea of unleashing someone like Mrs. Hatch into the duplicitous world of society had its appeal: Miss Bart had even entertained herself with visions of the beautiful Norma being introduced for the first time at a family dinner with the Van Osburghs. But the thought of being personally involved in the matter was less pleasant; her brief moments of amusement were followed by longer stretches of doubt.
The sense of these doubts was uppermost when, late one afternoon, she was surprised by a visit from Lawrence Selden. He found her alone in the wilderness of pink damask, for in Mrs. Hatch’s world the tea-hour was not dedicated to social rites, and the lady was in the hands of her masseuse.
The weight of her doubts was strongest when, one late afternoon, she was unexpectedly visited by Lawrence Selden. He discovered her alone in a sea of pink damask, as in Mrs. Hatch’s world, tea time wasn't reserved for social events, and the lady was with her masseuse.
Selden’s entrance had caused Lily an inward start of embarrassment; but his air of constraint had the effect of restoring her self-possession, and she took at once the tone of surprise and pleasure, wondering frankly that he should have traced her to so unlikely a place, and asking what had inspired him to make the search.
Selden's arrival made Lily feel a bit embarrassed, but his awkwardness helped her regain her composure. She immediately adopted a tone of surprise and happiness, genuinely wondering how he had found her in such an unexpected place, and asking what had motivated him to look for her.
Selden met this with an unusual seriousness: she had never seen him so little master of the situation, so plainly at the mercy of any obstructions she might put in his way. “I wanted to see you,” he said; and she could not resist observing in reply that he had kept his wishes under remarkable control. She had in truth felt his long absence as one of the chief bitternesses of the last months: his desertion had wounded sensibilities far below the surface of her pride.
Selden approached this with an unusual seriousness: she had never seen him so out of control, so clearly at the mercy of any obstacles she might throw in his path. “I wanted to see you,” he said; and she couldn't help but point out in response that he had kept his desires remarkably in check. In reality, she had felt his long absence as one of the biggest frustrations of the last few months: his leaving had hurt feelings deep beneath her pride.
Selden met the challenge with directness. “Why should I have come, unless I thought I could be of use to you? It is my only excuse for imagining you could want me.”
Selden faced the challenge head-on. “Why would I have come if I didn’t think I could help you? That’s my only reason for thinking you might actually want me.”
This struck her as a clumsy evasion, and the thought gave a flash of keenness to her answer. “Then you have come now because you think you can be of use to me?”
This felt like a clumsy way to avoid the question, and the thought sharpened her response. “So you’re here now because you think you can help me?”
He hesitated again. “Yes: in the modest capacity of a person to talk things over with.”
He hesitated again. “Yeah: just as someone to talk things over with.”
For a clever man it was certainly a stupid beginning; and the idea that his awkwardness was due to the fear of her attaching a personal significance to his visit, chilled her pleasure in seeing him. Even under the most adverse conditions, that pleasure always made itself felt: she might hate him, but she had never been able to wish him out of the room. She was very near hating him now; yet the sound of his voice, the way the light fell on his thin dark hair, the way he sat and moved and wore his clothes—she was conscious that even these trivial things were inwoven with her deepest life. In his presence a sudden stillness came upon her, and the turmoil of her spirit ceased; but an impulse of resistance to this stealing influence now prompted her to say: “It’s very good of you to present yourself in that capacity; but what makes you think I have anything particular to talk about?”
For a smart guy, it was definitely a dumb start; and the thought that his awkwardness came from the fear of her taking his visit personally put a damper on her enjoyment of seeing him. Even in the worst situations, that enjoyment always came through: she might dislike him, but she had never been able to wish him away. She was close to truly disliking him now; yet the sound of his voice, the way the light hit his thin dark hair, the way he sat, moved, and dressed—she realized that even these small things were intertwined with her deepest emotions. In his presence, a sudden calm washed over her, and the chaos in her mind quieted; but a feeling of resistance to this subtle influence pushed her to say: “It’s very generous of you to show up like this; but what makes you think I have anything special to discuss?”
Though she kept the even tone of light intercourse, the question was framed in a way to remind him that his good offices were unsought; and for a moment Selden was checked by it. The situation between them was one which could have been cleared up only by a sudden explosion of feeling; and their whole training and habit of mind were against the chances of such an explosion. Selden’s calmness seemed rather to harden into resistance, and Miss Bart’s into a surface of glittering irony, as they faced each other from the opposite corners of one of Mrs. Hatch’s elephantine sofas. The sofa in question, and the apartment peopled by its monstrous mates, served at length to suggest the turn of Selden’s reply.
Though she maintained a light and casual tone, her question was phrased to remind him that his help wasn't requested; for a moment, Selden was thrown off by it. The dynamic between them could only be resolved by an outburst of emotion, but their upbringing and mindset made such outbursts unlikely. Selden's calmness seemed to solidify into stubbornness, while Miss Bart's transformed into a façade of sharp irony, as they faced each other from opposite corners of one of Mrs. Hatch's enormous sofas. This particular sofa, along with the room filled with its oversized companions, eventually inspired the direction of Selden's response.
“Gerty told me that you were acting as Mrs. Hatch’s secretary; and I knew she was anxious to hear how you were getting on.”
“Gerty told me that you were working as Mrs. Hatch’s secretary; and I knew she was eager to hear how you were doing.”
Miss Bart received this explanation without perceptible softening. “Why didn’t she look me up herself, then?” she asked.
Miss Bart took this explanation in without showing any sign of being affected. “Why didn’t she reach out to me herself, then?” she asked.
“Because, as you didn’t send her your address, she was afraid of being importunate.” Selden continued with a smile: “You see no such scruples restrained me; but then I haven’t as much to risk if I incur your displeasure.”
“Because, since you didn’t give her your address, she was worried about being bothersome.” Selden went on with a smile: “You see, I didn’t have any such hesitations holding me back; but then I don’t have as much to lose if I end up making you unhappy.”
Lily answered his smile. “You haven’t incurred it as yet; but I have an idea that you are going to.”
Lily smiled back at him. “You haven't done it yet, but I have a feeling that you will.”
“That rests with you, doesn’t it? You see my initiative doesn’t go beyond putting myself at your disposal.”
“That’s up to you, right? You see, my initiative is just about making myself available to you.”
“But in what capacity? What am I to do with you?” she asked in the same light tone.
“But in what way? What am I supposed to do with you?” she asked in the same light tone.
Selden again glanced about Mrs. Hatch’s drawing-room; then he said, with a decision which he seemed to have gathered from this final inspection: “You are to let me take you away from here.”
Selden looked around Mrs. Hatch’s drawing room once more, then said firmly, as if he'd made up his mind after this last look: “You’re going to let me take you away from here.”
Lily flushed at the suddenness of the attack; then she stiffened under it and said coldly: “And may I ask where you mean me to go?”
Lily blushed at the suddenness of the attack; then she tensed up and said coldly, “And may I ask where you expect me to go?”
“Back to Gerty in the first place, if you will; the essential thing is that it should be away from here.”
“Back to Gerty for a moment; the important thing is that it should be far from here.”
The unusual harshness of his tone might have shown her how much the words cost him; but she was in no state to measure his feelings while her own were in a flame of revolt. To neglect her, perhaps even to avoid her, at a time when she had most need of her friends, and then suddenly and unwarrantably to break into her life with this strange assumption of authority, was to rouse in her every instinct of pride and self-defence.
The unusual harshness of his tone might have shown her how much the words cost him; but she was too overwhelmed by her own feelings to assess his. Ignoring her, maybe even avoiding her, when she needed her friends the most, and then suddenly intruding into her life with this strange claim of authority, triggered every instinct of pride and self-defense within her.
“I am very much obliged to you,” she said, “for taking such an interest in my plans; but I am quite contented where I am, and have no intention of leaving.”
“I really appreciate your interest in my plans,” she said, “but I’m completely happy where I am, and I have no plans to leave.”
Selden had risen, and was standing before her in an attitude of uncontrollable expectancy.
Selden had gotten up and was standing in front of her, filled with anxious anticipation.
“That simply means that you don’t know where you are!” he exclaimed.
"That just means you don't know where you are!" he shouted.
Lily rose also, with a quick flash of anger. “If you have come here to say disagreeable things about Mrs. Hatch——”
Lily stood up as well, a quick flash of anger on her face. “If you came here to say unpleasant things about Mrs. Hatch——”
“It is only with your relation to Mrs. Hatch that I am concerned.”
“It’s only your connection to Mrs. Hatch that I care about.”
“My relation to Mrs. Hatch is one I have no reason to be ashamed of. She has helped me to earn a living when my old friends were quite resigned to seeing me starve.”
"My relationship with Mrs. Hatch is one I'm proud of. She has helped me make a living when my old friends were more than willing to watch me struggle."
“Nonsense! Starvation is not the only alternative. You know you can always find a home with Gerty till you are independent again.”
“Nonsense! Starvation isn't the only option. You know you can always stay with Gerty until you're independent again.”
“You show such an intimate acquaintance with my affairs that I suppose you mean—till my aunt’s legacy is paid?”
"You seem to know so much about my situation that I guess you mean—until my aunt's inheritance is settled?"
“I do mean that; Gerty told me of it,” Selden acknowledged without embarrassment. He was too much in earnest now to feel any false constraint in speaking his mind.
“I really mean that; Gerty mentioned it to me,” Selden said without hesitation. He was too serious now to feel any awkwardness about expressing his thoughts.
“But Gerty does not happen to know,” Miss Bart rejoined, “that I owe every penny of that legacy.”
“But Gerty doesn’t realize,” Miss Bart replied, “that I owe every single penny of that inheritance.”
“Good God!” Selden exclaimed, startled out of his composure by the abruptness of the statement.
“Good God!” Selden exclaimed, shocked out of his calm by the suddenness of the statement.
“Every penny of it, and more too,” Lily repeated; “and you now perhaps see why I prefer to remain with Mrs. Hatch rather than take advantage of Gerty’s kindness. I have no money left, except my small income, and I must earn something more to keep myself alive.”
“Every penny of it, and even more,” Lily repeated; “and maybe now you understand why I’d rather stay with Mrs. Hatch than take Gerty’s kindness for granted. I don’t have any money left, except for my small income, and I need to earn something else to support myself.”
Selden hesitated a moment; then he rejoined in a quieter tone: “But with your income and Gerty’s—since you allow me to go so far into the details of the situation—you and she could surely contrive a life together which would put you beyond the need of having to support yourself. Gerty, I know, is eager to make such an arrangement, and would be quite happy in it——”
Selden paused for a moment, then replied in a softer voice: “But with your income and Gerty's—if you don’t mind me getting into the details—you and she could definitely work out a life together that would free you from the need to support yourself. I know Gerty is keen to make this arrangement and would be quite happy with it——”
“But I should not,” Miss Bart interposed. “There are many reasons why it would be neither kind to Gerty nor wise for myself.” She paused a moment, and as he seemed to await a farther explanation, added with a quick lift of her head: “You will perhaps excuse me from giving you these reasons.”
“But I shouldn’t,” Miss Bart interrupted. “There are plenty of reasons why it wouldn’t be kind to Gerty or smart for me." She paused for a moment, and as he seemed to expect more explanation, she added quickly, lifting her head: “I hope you understand why I can’t share those reasons.”
“I have no claim to know them,” Selden answered, ignoring her tone; “no claim to offer any comment or suggestion beyond the one I have already made. And my right to make that is simply the universal right of a man to enlighten a woman when he sees her unconsciously placed in a false position.”
“I don't have any right to know them,” Selden replied, brushing off her tone; “I have no right to make any comments or suggestions beyond the one I've already given. And my right to do that is just the basic right of a man to help a woman when he sees her unknowingly in a wrong position.”
Lily smiled. “I suppose,” she rejoined, “that by a false position you mean one outside of what we call society; but you must remember that I had been excluded from those sacred precincts long before I met Mrs. Hatch. As far as I can see, there is very little real difference in being inside or out, and I remember your once telling me that it was only those inside who took the difference seriously.”
Lily smiled. “I guess,” she replied, “that when you say 'false position' you mean being outside of what we call society; but you have to remember that I had already been shut out from those respected spaces long before I met Mrs. Hatch. From my perspective, there’s hardly any real difference between being inside or outside, and I recall you once telling me that only those on the inside actually take the difference seriously.”
She had not been without intention in making this allusion to their memorable talk at Bellomont, and she waited with an odd tremor of the nerves to see what response it would bring; but the result of the experiment was disappointing. Selden did not allow the allusion to deflect him from his point; he merely said with completer fulness of emphasis: “The question of being inside or out is, as you say, a small one, and it happens to have nothing to do with the case, except in so far as Mrs. Hatch’s desire to be inside may put you in the position I call false.”
She had a purpose in bringing up their memorable talk at Bellomont, and she felt a strange nervousness as she waited to see how he would respond; however, the outcome was disappointing. Selden didn’t let her reference distract him from his main point; he simply stated with greater emphasis: “Whether you’re on the inside or outside is, as you say, a minor issue, and it’s actually irrelevant to the situation, except that Mrs. Hatch’s wish to be on the inside could put you in what I call a false position.”
In spite of the moderation of his tone, each word he spoke had the effect of confirming Lily’s resistance. The very apprehensions he aroused hardened her against him: she had been on the alert for the note of personal sympathy, for any sign of recovered power over him; and his attitude of sober impartiality, the absence of all response to her appeal, turned her hurt pride to blind resentment of his interference. The conviction that he had been sent by Gerty, and that, whatever straits he conceived her to be in, he would never voluntarily have come to her aid, strengthened her resolve not to admit him a hair’s breadth farther into her confidence. However doubtful she might feel her situation to be, she would rather persist in darkness than owe her enlightenment to Selden.
Despite his calm tone, every word he spoke only confirmed Lily’s resistance. The very worries he brought up made her more defensive: she had been on the lookout for any hint of personal sympathy or signs of his regained power over her; his serious, neutral stance and lack of any response to her plea only fueled her wounded pride into blind resentment of his meddling. The belief that he had been sent by Gerty, and that no matter how desperate he thought her situation was, he would never willingly come to her rescue, only strengthened her determination not to let him any closer to her trust. No matter how uncertain she felt about her situation, she would rather remain in the dark than rely on Selden for clarity.
“I don’t know,” she said, when he had ceased to speak, “why you imagine me to be situated as you describe; but as you have always told me that the sole object of a bringing-up like mine was to teach a girl to get what she wants, why not assume that that is precisely what I am doing?”
“I don’t know,” she said, when he stopped talking, “why you think I’m in the position you describe; but since you’ve always told me that the main purpose of a upbringing like mine is to teach a girl to get what she wants, why not assume that’s exactly what I’m doing?”
The smile with which she summed up her case was like a clear barrier raised against farther confidences: its brightness held him at such a distance that he had a sense of being almost out of hearing as he rejoined: “I am not sure that I have ever called you a successful example of that kind of bringing-up.”
The smile she used to conclude her argument was like a transparent barrier against any deeper discussions: its brightness kept him at a distance where he felt almost out of earshot as he responded, “I’m not sure I’ve ever considered you a successful example of that kind of upbringing.”
Her colour rose a little at the implication, but she steeled herself with a light laugh. “Ah, wait a little longer—give me a little more time before you decide!” And as he wavered before her, still watching for a break in the impenetrable front she presented: “Don’t give me up; I may still do credit to my training!” she affirmed.
Her face reddened slightly at the suggestion, but she gathered herself with a light laugh. “Oh, wait a little longer—give me just a bit more time before you make your decision!” And as he hesitated in front of her, still looking for a crack in the strong persona she displayed: “Don’t count me out; I might still live up to my training!” she insisted.
Chapter 10
“Look at those spangles, Miss Bart—every one of ’em sewed on crooked.”
“Check out those sequins, Miss Bart—every single one is stitched on crooked.”
The tall forewoman, a pinched perpendicular figure, dropped the condemned structure of wire and net on the table at Lily’s side, and passed on to the next figure in the line.
The tall forewoman, a slender and upright figure, put the condemned structure of wire and net on the table next to Lily and moved on to the next person in line.
There were twenty of them in the work-room, their fagged profiles, under exaggerated hair, bowed in the harsh north light above the utensils of their art; for it was something more than an industry, surely, this creation of ever-varied settings for the face of fortunate womanhood. Their own faces were sallow with the unwholesomeness of hot air and sedentary toil, rather than with any actual signs of want: they were employed in a fashionable millinery establishment, and were fairly well clothed and well paid; but the youngest among them was as dull and colourless as the middle-aged. In the whole work-room there was only one skin beneath which the blood still visibly played; and that now burned with vexation as Miss Bart, under the lash of the forewoman’s comment, began to strip the hat-frame of its over-lapping spangles.
There were twenty of them in the workroom, their tired profiles under exaggerated hairstyles, hunched in the harsh northern light above their tools; because it was something more than just a job, creating ever-changing looks for the faces of fortunate women. Their own faces were pale from the unhealthy combination of stale air and sitting all day, rather than from actual signs of poverty: they worked in a trendy millinery shop and were relatively well-dressed and paid; but the youngest among them was just as dull and lifeless as the middle-aged. In the entire workroom, there was only one person whose skin still had a hint of color; and that person was now burning with frustration as Miss Bart, stung by the forewoman’s comment, started to strip the hat frame of its overlapping sequins.
To Gerty Farish’s hopeful spirit a solution appeared to have been reached when she remembered how beautifully Lily could trim hats. Instances of young lady-milliners establishing themselves under fashionable patronage, and imparting to their “creations” that indefinable touch which the professional hand can never give, had flattered Gerty’s visions of the future, and convinced even Lily that her separation from Mrs. Norma Hatch need not reduce her to dependence on her friends.
To Gerty Farish’s hopeful spirit, it seemed like a solution had been found when she remembered how beautifully Lily could decorate hats. The examples of young women milliners setting up under stylish support and adding that unique touch to their “creations” that professionals can’t replicate had boosted Gerty’s dreams for the future, even convincing Lily that her distance from Mrs. Norma Hatch didn’t have to make her dependent on her friends.
The parting had occurred a few weeks after Selden’s visit, and would have taken place sooner had it not been for the resistance set up in Lily by his ill-starred offer of advice. The sense of being involved in a transaction she would not have cared to examine too closely had soon afterward defined itself in the light of a hint from Mr. Stancy that, if she “saw them through,” she would have no reason to be sorry. The implication that such loyalty would meet with a direct reward had hastened her flight, and flung her back, ashamed and penitent, on the broad bosom of Gerty’s sympathy. She did not, however, propose to lie there prone, and Gerty’s inspiration about the hats at once revived her hopes of profitable activity. Here was, after all, something that her charming listless hands could really do; she had no doubt of their capacity for knotting a ribbon or placing a flower to advantage. And of course only these finishing touches would be expected of her: subordinate fingers, blunt, grey, needle-pricked fingers, would prepare the shapes and stitch the linings, while she presided over the charming little front shop—a shop all white panels, mirrors, and moss-green hangings—where her finished creations, hats, wreaths, aigrettes and the rest, perched on their stands like birds just poising for flight.
The breakup happened a few weeks after Selden’s visit, and it would have occurred sooner if Lily hadn’t resisted his poorly-timed advice. The feeling of being part of a situation she didn’t want to examine too closely soon solidified after a suggestion from Mr. Stancy that if she “saw them through,” she wouldn’t regret it. The hint that such loyalty would be directly rewarded prompted her to leave quickly and made her feel ashamed and sorry, turning her back to Gerty for sympathy. However, she didn’t plan to stay down for long, and Gerty’s idea about the hats sparked her hopes for something productive to do. Here was, after all, something her lovely but idle hands could actually handle; she was confident in her ability to tie a ribbon or place a flower just right. And, of course, only these finishing touches would be expected from her: capable hands, worn and needle-pricked, would create the shapes and stitch the linings, while she managed the charming little front shop—a store with white panels, mirrors, and moss-green curtains—where her finished creations, hats, wreaths, aigrettes, and the like, rested on their stands like birds about to take flight.
But at the very outset of Gerty’s campaign this vision of the green-and-white shop had been dispelled. Other young ladies of fashion had been thus “set up,” selling their hats by the mere attraction of a name and the reputed knack of tying a bow; but these privileged beings could command a faith in their powers materially expressed by the readiness to pay their shop-rent and advance a handsome sum for current expenses. Where was Lily to find such support? And even could it have been found, how were the ladies on whose approval she depended to be induced to give her their patronage? Gerty learned that whatever sympathy her friend’s case might have excited a few months since had been imperilled, if not lost, by her association with Mrs. Hatch. Once again, Lily had withdrawn from an ambiguous situation in time to save her self-respect, but too late for public vindication. Freddy Van Osburgh was not to marry Mrs. Hatch; he had been rescued at the eleventh hour—some said by the efforts of Gus Trenor and Rosedale—and despatched to Europe with old Ned Van Alstyne; but the risk he had run would always be ascribed to Miss Bart’s connivance, and would somehow serve as a summing-up and corroboration of the vague general distrust of her. It was a relief to those who had hung back from her to find themselves thus justified, and they were inclined to insist a little on her connection with the Hatch case in order to show that they had been right.
But right at the beginning of Gerty’s campaign, the image of the green-and-white shop was shattered. Other fashionable young women had been “set up” before, selling their hats just by leveraging a name and their skill at tying a bow; these lucky individuals could rely on their reputation to cover their shop rent and provide a substantial amount for operating costs. Where was Lily supposed to find that kind of support? And even if she could, how would the women whose approval she needed be convinced to back her? Gerty realized that any sympathy her friend might have garnered a few months earlier had been jeopardized, if not completely lost, due to her association with Mrs. Hatch. Once again, Lily had pulled back from a questionable situation just in time to preserve her self-respect, but it was too late for public redemption. Freddy Van Osburgh was not going to marry Mrs. Hatch; he had been saved at the last moment—some said due to the efforts of Gus Trenor and Rosedale—and sent off to Europe with old Ned Van Alstyne; however, the risk he faced would forever be attributed to Miss Bart’s involvement, serving as a summary and reinforcement of the general distrust people had towards her. It was a relief for those who had held back from her to see themselves vindicated in this way, and they were eager to emphasize her connection to the Hatch situation to prove they had been right.
Gerty’s quest, at any rate, brought up against a solid wall of resistance; and even when Carry Fisher, momentarily penitent for her share in the Hatch affair, joined her efforts to Miss Farish’s, they met with no better success. Gerty had tried to veil her failure in tender ambiguities; but Carry, always the soul of candour, put the case squarely to her friend.
Gerty's quest, in any case, faced a strong wall of resistance; and even when Carry Fisher, briefly feeling guilty about her role in the Hatch incident, teamed up with Miss Farish, they had no better luck. Gerty tried to hide her failure with gentle hints, but Carry, ever honest, laid the situation out clearly for her friend.
“I went straight to Judy Trenor; she has fewer prejudices than the others, and besides she’s always hated Bertha Dorset. But what HAVE you done to her, Lily? At the very first word about giving you a start she flamed out about some money you’d got from Gus; I never knew her so hot before. You know she’ll let him do anything but spend money on his friends: the only reason she’s decent to me now is that she knows I’m not hard up.—He speculated for you, you say? Well, what’s the harm? He had no business to lose. He DIDN’T lose? Then what on earth—but I never COULD understand you, Lily!”
“I went straight to Judy Trenor; she has fewer biases than the others, and besides, she’s always disliked Bertha Dorset. But seriously, what have you done to her, Lily? As soon as I mentioned helping you out, she exploded about some money you got from Gus; I’ve never seen her this angry before. You know she’ll let him do anything except spend money on his friends: the only reason she’s nice to me now is that she knows I’m not struggling financially.—He speculated for you, you say? So what’s the problem? He had no reason to lose. He didn’t lose? Then what on earth—but I just can’t understand you, Lily!”
The end of it was that, after anxious enquiry and much deliberation, Mrs. Fisher and Gerty, for once oddly united in their effort to help their friend, decided on placing her in the work-room of Mme. Regina’s renowned millinery establishment. Even this arrangement was not effected without considerable negotiation, for Mme. Regina had a strong prejudice against untrained assistance, and was induced to yield only by the fact that she owed the patronage of Mrs. Bry and Mrs. Gormer to Carry Fisher’s influence. She had been willing from the first to employ Lily in the show-room: as a displayer of hats, a fashionable beauty might be a valuable asset. But to this suggestion Miss Bart opposed a negative which Gerty emphatically supported, while Mrs. Fisher, inwardly unconvinced, but resigned to this latest proof of Lily’s unreason, agreed that perhaps in the end it would be more useful that she should learn the trade. To Regina’s work-room Lily was therefore committed by her friends, and there Mrs. Fisher left her with a sigh of relief, while Gerty’s watchfulness continued to hover over her at a distance.
In the end, after a lot of anxious questioning and careful consideration, Mrs. Fisher and Gerty, for once strangely united in their effort to help their friend, decided to place her in the workroom of Mme. Regina’s famous millinery shop. Even this arrangement didn’t happen without significant negotiation, as Mme. Regina had a strong bias against untrained help and only agreed because she owed the support of Mrs. Bry and Mrs. Gormer to Carry Fisher’s influence. From the start, she had been willing to hire Lily in the show room; having a fashionable beauty to showcase hats could be a great advantage. But to this suggestion, Miss Bart firmly said no, which Gerty strongly supported, while Mrs. Fisher, secretly unconvinced but resigned to this latest demonstration of Lily’s stubbornness, agreed that it might be better for her to learn the trade in the long run. So, Lily was placed in Regina’s workroom by her friends, and there Mrs. Fisher left her with a sigh of relief, while Gerty continued to watch over her from a distance.
Lily had taken up her work early in January: it was now two months later, and she was still being rebuked for her inability to sew spangles on a hat-frame. As she returned to her work she heard a titter pass down the tables. She knew she was an object of criticism and amusement to the other work-women. They were, of course, aware of her history—the exact situation of every girl in the room was known and freely discussed by all the others—but the knowledge did not produce in them any awkward sense of class distinction: it merely explained why her untutored fingers were still blundering over the rudiments of the trade. Lily had no desire that they should recognize any social difference in her; but she had hoped to be received as their equal, and perhaps before long to show herself their superior by a special deftness of touch, and it was humiliating to find that, after two months of drudgery, she still betrayed her lack of early training. Remote was the day when she might aspire to exercise the talents she felt confident of possessing; only experienced workers were entrusted with the delicate art of shaping and trimming the hat, and the forewoman still held her inexorably to the routine of preparatory work.
Lily had started her job early in January, and now, two months later, she was still being criticized for her inability to sew rhinestones onto a hat frame. As she went back to her task, she heard some giggles ripple across the tables. She knew she was the target of judgment and jokes among the other workers. They were all aware of her background—the situation of every girl in the room was well-known and openly discussed—but this knowledge didn’t create any awkward sense of class difference; it simply explained why her untrained hands were still struggling with the basics of the job. Lily didn’t want them to see any social divide between them, but she had hoped to be accepted as one of them and maybe even prove to be better than them soon, thanks to her special skill. It was humiliating to realize that after two months of hard work, she still showed her lack of early training. The day when she could finally showcase the talents she felt sure she had seemed far off; only experienced workers were allowed to handle the delicate tasks of shaping and trimming the hats, and the forewoman still kept her stuck in the routine of basic work.
She began to rip the spangles from the frame, listening absently to the buzz of talk which rose and fell with the coming and going of Miss Haines’s active figure. The air was closer than usual, because Miss Haines, who had a cold, had not allowed a window to be opened even during the noon recess; and Lily’s head was so heavy with the weight of a sleepless night that the chatter of her companions had the incoherence of a dream.
She started pulling the sequins off the frame, half-listening to the chatter that ebbed and flowed with Miss Haines’s busy movements. The air felt stuffier than usual because Miss Haines, who had a cold, wouldn’t let anyone open a window even during lunch break. Lily's head was so heavy from a sleepless night that her friends' conversations sounded like a jumbled dream.
“I TOLD her he’d never look at her again; and he didn’t. I wouldn’t have, either—I think she acted real mean to him. He took her to the Arion Ball, and had a hack for her both ways.... She’s taken ten bottles, and her headaches don’t seem no better—but she’s written a testimonial to say the first bottle cured her, and she got five dollars and her picture in the paper.... Mrs. Trenor’s hat? The one with the green Paradise? Here, Miss Haines—it’ll be ready right off.... That was one of the Trenor girls here yesterday with Mrs. George Dorset. How’d I know? Why, Madam sent for me to alter the flower in that Virot hat—the blue tulle: she’s tall and slight, with her hair fuzzed out—a good deal like Mamie Leach, on’y thinner....”
“I told her he’d never look at her again; and he didn’t. I wouldn’t have either—I think she was really mean to him. He took her to the Arion Ball and had a cab for her both ways.... She’s taken ten bottles, and her headaches don’t seem any better—but she’s written a testimonial saying the first bottle cured her, and she got five dollars and her picture in the paper.... Mrs. Trenor’s hat? The one with the green Paradise? Here, Miss Haines—it’ll be ready right away.... That was one of the Trenor girls here yesterday with Mrs. George Dorset. How did I know? Well, Madam sent for me to change the flower in that Virot hat—the blue tulle: she’s tall and slim, with her hair all frizzy—a lot like Mamie Leach, just thinner....”
On and on it flowed, a current of meaningless sound, on which, startlingly enough, a familiar name now and then floated to the surface. It was the strangest part of Lily’s strange experience, the hearing of these names, the seeing the fragmentary and distorted image of the world she had lived in reflected in the mirror of the working-girls’ minds. She had never before suspected the mixture of insatiable curiosity and contemptuous freedom with which she and her kind were discussed in this underworld of toilers who lived on their vanity and self-indulgence. Every girl in Mme. Regina’s work-room knew to whom the headgear in her hands was destined, and had her opinion of its future wearer, and a definite knowledge of the latter’s place in the social system. That Lily was a star fallen from that sky did not, after the first stir of curiosity had subsided, materially add to their interest in her. She had fallen, she had “gone under,” and true to the ideal of their race, they were awed only by success—by the gross tangible image of material achievement. The consciousness of her different point of view merely kept them at a little distance from her, as though she were a foreigner with whom it was an effort to talk.
On and on it flowed, a stream of meaningless noise, where, surprisingly, a familiar name occasionally rose to the surface. It was the weirdest part of Lily's odd experience—the hearing of these names and seeing the fragmented and distorted reflection of the world she had lived in mirrored in the minds of the working girls. She had never suspected the mix of endless curiosity and dismissive freedom with which she and her kind were talked about in this underbelly of workers who thrived on their vanity and self-indulgence. Every girl in Mme. Regina's workroom knew who the headgear she was holding was meant for and had her opinion about its future wearer, along with a clear understanding of the latter's place in the social hierarchy. That Lily was a star fallen from that sky did not, after the initial curiosity wore off, significantly increase their interest in her. She had fallen, she had “gone under,” and true to their values, they only admired success—by the obvious, tangible image of material achievement. The awareness of her different perspective just kept them a little distant from her, as if she were a foreigner it was hard to talk to.
“Miss Bart, if you can’t sew those spangles on more regular I guess you’d better give the hat to Miss Kilroy.”
“Miss Bart, if you can’t sew those sequins on more evenly, I think you should just give the hat to Miss Kilroy.”
Lily looked down ruefully at her handiwork. The forewoman was right: the sewing on of the spangles was inexcusably bad. What made her so much more clumsy than usual? Was it a growing distaste for her task, or actual physical disability? She felt tired and confused: it was an effort to put her thoughts together. She rose and handed the hat to Miss Kilroy, who took it with a suppressed smile.
Lily looked down regretfully at what she had made. The forewoman was right: the stitching on the sequins was completely unacceptable. What was making her so much clumsier than usual? Was it a growing dislike for her job, or was it a real physical issue? She felt exhausted and disoriented: it took effort to organize her thoughts. She got up and handed the hat to Miss Kilroy, who accepted it with a stifled smile.
“I’m sorry; I’m afraid I am not well,” she said to the forewoman.
“I’m sorry; I don’t feel well,” she said to the forewoman.
Miss Haines offered no comment. From the first she had augured ill of Mme. Regina’s consenting to include a fashionable apprentice among her workers. In that temple of art no raw beginners were wanted, and Miss Haines would have been more than human had she not taken a certain pleasure in seeing her forebodings confirmed.
Miss Haines didn’t say anything. From the start, she had a bad feeling about Mme. Regina allowing a trendy apprentice among her staff. In that space dedicated to art, they didn’t need any inexperienced newcomers, and Miss Haines would have been less than human if she hadn’t felt a bit of satisfaction in seeing her worries come true.
“You’d better go back to binding edges,” she said drily. Lily slipped out last among the band of liberated work-women. She did not care to be mingled in their noisy dispersal: once in the street, she always felt an irresistible return to her old standpoint, an instinctive shrinking from all that was unpolished and promiscuous. In the days—how distant they now seemed!—when she had visited the Girls’ Club with Gerty Farish, she had felt an enlightened interest in the working-classes; but that was because she looked down on them from above, from the happy altitude of her grace and her beneficence. Now that she was on a level with them, the point of view was less interesting.
“You should really go back to sticking to the edges,” she said dryly. Lily was the last to leave the group of liberated women. She didn’t want to get caught up in their loud dispersal: once outside, she always felt a strong pull back to her old perspective, an instinctive repulsion to anything rough and chaotic. Back in the days—how distant they seemed now!—when she had gone to the Girls’ Club with Gerty Farish, she had felt a genuine interest in the working class; but that was because she viewed them from above, enjoying the privilege of her own grace and kindness. Now that she was on the same level as them, that perspective felt less fascinating.
She felt a touch on her arm, and met the penitent eye of Miss Kilroy. “Miss Bart, I guess you can sew those spangles on as well as I can when you’re feeling right. Miss Haines didn’t act fair to you.”
She felt a gentle touch on her arm and looked into the regretful eyes of Miss Kilroy. “Miss Bart, I believe you can sew those spangles on just as well as I can when you’re in the right mood. Miss Haines wasn’t fair to you.”
Lily’s colour rose at the unexpected advance: it was a long time since real kindness had looked at her from any eyes but Gerty’s.
Lily’s face flushed at the unexpected approach: it had been a long time since real kindness had looked at her from anyone's eyes except Gerty’s.
“Oh, thank you: I’m not particularly well, but Miss Haines was right. I AM clumsy.”
“Oh, thank you: I’m not feeling great, but Miss Haines was right. I AM clumsy.”
“Well, it’s mean work for anybody with a headache.” Miss Kilroy paused irresolutely. “You ought to go right home and lay down. Ever try orangeine?”
“Well, it’s tough work for anyone with a headache.” Miss Kilroy paused uncertainly. “You should just go home and lie down. Ever tried orangeade?”
“Thank you.” Lily held out her hand. “It’s very kind of you—I mean to go home.”
“Thank you.” Lily extended her hand. “It’s really thoughtful of you—I mean for you to go home.”
She looked gratefully at Miss Kilroy, but neither knew what more to say. Lily was aware that the other was on the point of offering to go home with her, but she wanted to be alone and silent—even kindness, the sort of kindness that Miss Kilroy could give, would have jarred on her just then.
She looked gratefully at Miss Kilroy, but neither of them knew what else to say. Lily sensed that the other was about to offer to go home with her, but she wanted to be alone and quiet—even the kind of kindness that Miss Kilroy could provide would have felt off to her at that moment.
“Thank you,” she repeated as she turned away.
“Thanks,” she said again as she turned away.
She struck westward through the dreary March twilight, toward the street where her boarding-house stood. She had resolutely refused Gerty’s offer of hospitality. Something of her mother’s fierce shrinking from observation and sympathy was beginning to develop in her, and the promiscuity of small quarters and close intimacy seemed, on the whole, less endurable than the solitude of a hall bedroom in a house where she could come and go unremarked among other workers. For a while she had been sustained by this desire for privacy and independence; but now, perhaps from increasing physical weariness, the lassitude brought about by hours of unwonted confinement, she was beginning to feel acutely the ugliness and discomfort of her surroundings. The day’s task done, she dreaded to return to her narrow room, with its blotched wall-paper and shabby paint; and she hated every step of the walk thither, through the degradation of a New York street in the last stages of decline from fashion to commerce.
She headed west through the gloomy March twilight, toward the street where her boarding house was located. She had firmly turned down Gerty’s offer of a place to stay. Something of her mother’s strong aversion to being watched and pitied was starting to develop in her, and the crowded living conditions and close intimacy felt, overall, less bearable than the solitude of a small bedroom in a house where she could come and go unnoticed among other workers. For a while, this desire for privacy and independence had kept her going; but now, maybe because of her growing physical tiredness or the fatigue from hours of being confined, she was beginning to feel the stark ugliness and discomfort of her surroundings. With the day’s work finished, she dreaded going back to her tiny room, with its stained wallpaper and worn-out paint; and she despised every step of the walk there, through the deterioration of a New York street that was fading from stylishness to commercialism.
But what she dreaded most of all was having to pass the chemist’s at the corner of Sixth Avenue. She had meant to take another street: she had usually done so of late. But today her steps were irresistibly drawn toward the flaring plate-glass corner; she tried to take the lower crossing, but a laden dray crowded her back, and she struck across the street obliquely, reaching the sidewalk just opposite the chemist’s door.
But what she feared the most was having to walk past the pharmacy at the corner of Sixth Avenue. She had planned to take a different street; she usually had lately. But today, she found herself uncontrollably drawn to the bright glass corner; she tried to take the lower crossing, but a loaded delivery truck pushed her back, so she crossed the street diagonally, ending up on the sidewalk right in front of the pharmacy's door.
Over the counter she caught the eye of the clerk who had waited on her before, and slipped the prescription into his hand. There could be no question about the prescription: it was a copy of one of Mrs. Hatch’s, obligingly furnished by that lady’s chemist. Lily was confident that the clerk would fill it without hesitation; yet the nervous dread of a refusal, or even of an expression of doubt, communicated itself to her restless hands as she affected to examine the bottles of perfume stacked on the glass case before her.
Over the counter, she caught the clerk’s eye, the same one who had helped her before, and slipped the prescription into his hand. There was no doubt about the prescription: it was a copy of one from Mrs. Hatch, provided by that lady’s pharmacist. Lily felt sure the clerk would fill it without hesitation; still, the nervous fear of a refusal, or even a hint of doubt, transferred to her fidgeting hands as she pretended to check out the bottles of perfume arranged on the glass case in front of her.
The clerk had read the prescription without comment; but in the act of handing out the bottle he paused.
The clerk had read the prescription without saying anything; but as he was handing over the bottle, he hesitated.
“You don’t want to increase the dose, you know,” he remarked. Lily’s heart contracted.
“You really shouldn’t increase the dose,” he said. Lily’s heart sank.
What did he mean by looking at her in that way?
What did he mean by looking at her like that?
“Of course not,” she murmured, holding out her hand.
“Of course not,” she said softly, offering her hand.
“That’s all right: it’s a queer-acting drug. A drop or two more, and off you go—the doctors don’t know why.”
"That’s fine: it’s a strange-acting drug. A drop or two more, and you’re out of here—the doctors don’t understand why."
The dread lest he should question her, or keep the bottle back, choked the murmur of acquiescence in her throat; and when at length she emerged safely from the shop she was almost dizzy with the intensity of her relief. The mere touch of the packet thrilled her tired nerves with the delicious promise of a night of sleep, and in the reaction from her momentary fear she felt as if the first fumes of drowsiness were already stealing over her.
The fear that he might question her or hold back the bottle made it hard for her to agree, and when she finally got out of the shop, she was almost dizzy with relief. Just holding the packet excited her exhausted nerves with the sweet promise of a good night's sleep, and as she recovered from her brief fear, it felt like the first hints of drowsiness were already washing over her.
In her confusion she stumbled against a man who was hurrying down the last steps of the elevated station. He drew back, and she heard her name uttered with surprise. It was Rosedale, fur-coated, glossy and prosperous—but why did she seem to see him so far off, and as if through a mist of splintered crystals? Before she could account for the phenomenon she found herself shaking hands with him. They had parted with scorn on her side and anger upon his; but all trace of these emotions seemed to vanish as their hands met, and she was only aware of a confused wish that she might continue to hold fast to him.
In her confusion, she bumped into a man rushing down the last steps of the elevated station. He stepped back, and she heard him say her name with surprise. It was Rosedale, wrapped in a fur coat, looking polished and successful—but why did she feel like she was seeing him from so far away, as if through a haze of broken glass? Before she could figure that out, she found herself shaking hands with him. They had parted with her feeling disdain and him feeling angry; but all those feelings seemed to fade away as their hands came together, and she only felt a jumbled desire to keep holding on to him.
“Why, what’s the matter, Miss Lily? You’re not well!” he exclaimed; and she forced her lips into a pallid smile of reassurance.
“Why, what’s wrong, Miss Lily? Are you feeling okay?” he exclaimed; and she managed a faint smile of reassurance.
“I’m a little tired—it’s nothing. Stay with me a moment, please,” she faltered. That she should be asking this service of Rosedale!
“I’m a little tired—it’s nothing. Stay with me for a moment, please,” she hesitated. That she would be asking Rosedale for this favor!
He glanced at the dirty and unpropitious corner on which they stood, with the shriek of the “elevated” and the tumult of trams and waggons contending hideously in their ears.
He looked at the grimy and unfavorable corner where they stood, with the screech of the subway and the chaos of trams and wagons clashing horribly in their ears.
“We can’t stay here; but let me take you somewhere for a cup of tea. The LONGWORTH is only a few yards off, and there’ll be no one there at this hour.”
“We can’t stay here, but let me take you somewhere for a cup of tea. The LONGWORTH is just a few steps away, and there won’t be anyone there at this hour.”
A cup of tea in quiet, somewhere out of the noise and ugliness, seemed for the moment the one solace she could bear. A few steps brought them to the ladies’ door of the hotel he had named, and a moment later he was seated opposite to her, and the waiter had placed the tea-tray between them.
A cup of tea in peace, away from the noise and ugliness, felt like the only comfort she could handle for now. A few steps took them to the ladies’ entrance of the hotel he had mentioned, and a moment later he was sitting across from her, with the waiter setting the tea tray between them.
“Not a drop of brandy or whiskey first? You look regularly done up, Miss Lily. Well, take your tea strong, then; and, waiter, get a cushion for the lady’s back.”
“Not a drop of brandy or whiskey first? You look well put together, Miss Lily. Well, have your tea strong, then; and, waiter, get a cushion for the lady's back.”
Lily smiled faintly at the injunction to take her tea strong. It was the temptation she was always struggling to resist. Her craving for the keen stimulant was forever conflicting with that other craving for sleep—the midnight craving which only the little phial in her hand could still. But today, at any rate, the tea could hardly be too strong: she counted on it to pour warmth and resolution into her empty veins.
Lily smiled slightly at the suggestion to have her tea strong. It was a temptation she always fought against. Her desire for the sharp boost was always at odds with her longing for sleep—the midnight yearning that only the little bottle in her hand could satisfy. But today, at least, the tea could hardly be too strong: she relied on it to bring warmth and determination into her empty veins.
As she leaned back before him, her lids drooping in utter lassitude, though the first warm draught already tinged her face with returning life, Rosedale was seized afresh by the poignant surprise of her beauty. The dark pencilling of fatigue under her eyes, the morbid blue-veined pallor of the temples, brought out the brightness of her hair and lips, as though all her ebbing vitality were centred there. Against the dull chocolate-coloured background of the restaurant, the purity of her head stood out as it had never done in the most brightly lit ball-room. He looked at her with a startled uncomfortable feeling, as though her beauty were a forgotten enemy that had lain in ambush and now sprang out on him unawares.
As she leaned back in front of him, her eyelids heavy with exhaustion, the first warm sip already brought some color back to her face. Rosedale was suddenly struck again by the surprising intensity of her beauty. The dark circles of fatigue under her eyes and the pale, bluish veins on her temples highlighted the vividness of her hair and lips, as if all her fading energy was focused there. Against the dull, chocolate-colored backdrop of the restaurant, the clarity of her face stood out more than it ever had in the brightest ballrooms. He gazed at her with a startled, uneasy sensation, as if her beauty were a long-forgotten enemy that had been hiding in wait and now jumped out at him unexpectedly.
To clear the air he tried to take an easy tone with her. “Why, Miss Lily, I haven’t seen you for an age. I didn’t know what had become of you.”
To lighten the mood, he decided to go for a casual vibe with her. “Hey, Miss Lily, I haven't seen you in forever. I had no idea what happened to you.”
As he spoke, he was checked by an embarrassing sense of the complications to which this might lead. Though he had not seen her he had heard of her; he knew of her connection with Mrs. Hatch, and of the talk resulting from it. Mrs. Hatch’s MILIEU was one which he had once assiduously frequented, and now as devoutly shunned.
As he talked, he felt a strong sense of the awkward situations this could cause. Even though he hadn’t seen her, he had heard about her; he was aware of her ties to Mrs. Hatch and the gossip that came from it. Mrs. Hatch's social circle was one he used to visit frequently and now deliberately avoided.
Lily, to whom the tea had restored her usual clearness of mind, saw what was in his thoughts and said with a slight smile: “You would not be likely to know about me. I have joined the working-classes.”
Lily, who felt her usual clarity of mind returning thanks to the tea, picked up on his thoughts and said with a slight smile, “You probably wouldn’t know about me. I’ve joined the working class.”
He stared in genuine wonder. “You don’t mean—? Why, what on earth are you doing?”
He stared in genuine amazement. “You can't be serious—? What in the world are you doing?”
“Learning to be a milliner—at least TRYING to learn,” she hastily qualified the statement.
“Learning to be a hat maker—at least TRYING to learn,” she quickly clarified.
Rosedale suppressed a low whistle of surprise. “Come off—you ain’t serious, are you?”
Rosedale held back a low whistle of surprise. “Come on—you can’t be serious, can you?”
“Perfectly serious. I’m obliged to work for my living.”
“I'm totally serious. I have to work to earn a living.”
“But I understood—I thought you were with Norma Hatch.”
“But I understood—I thought you were with Norma Hatch.”
“You heard I had gone to her as her secretary?”
"You heard I worked for her as her secretary?"
“Something of the kind, I believe.” He leaned forward to refill her cup.
"Something like that, I think." He leaned forward to top off her cup.
Lily guessed the possibilities of embarrassment which the topic held for him, and raising her eyes to his, she said suddenly: “I left her two months ago.”
Lily could sense the potential embarrassment the topic might cause him, and looking up into his eyes, she suddenly said, “I left her two months ago.”
Rosedale continued to fumble awkwardly with the tea-pot, and she felt sure that he had heard what had been said of her. But what was there that Rosedale did not hear?
Rosedale kept awkwardly trying to handle the teapot, and she was convinced he had heard what people were saying about her. But what was there that Rosedale didn’t hear?
“Wasn’t it a soft berth?” he enquired, with an attempt at lightness.
“Wasn’t it a comfy spot?” he asked, trying to sound casual.
“Too soft—one might have sunk in too deep.” Lily rested one arm on the edge of the table, and sat looking at him more intently than she had ever looked before. An uncontrollable impulse was urging her to put her case to this man, from whose curiosity she had always so fiercely defended herself.
“Too soft—one might have sunk in too deep.” Lily rested one arm on the edge of the table and sat looking at him more intensely than she ever had before. An uncontrollable urge was pushing her to share her thoughts with this man, from whose curiosity she had always fiercely protected herself.
“You know Mrs. Hatch, I think? Well, perhaps you can understand that she might make things too easy for one.”
“You know Mrs. Hatch, right? Well, maybe you can see how she could make things too easy for someone.”
Rosedale looked faintly puzzled, and she remembered that allusiveness was lost on him.
Rosedale looked a bit confused, and she recalled that he didn't pick up on subtle hints.
“It was no place for you, anyhow,” he agreed, so suffused and immersed in the light of her full gaze that he found himself being drawn into strange depths of intimacy. He who had had to subsist on mere fugitive glances, looks winged in flight and swiftly lost under covert, now found her eyes settling on him with a brooding intensity that fairly dazzled him.
“It wasn’t a place for you, anyway,” he agreed, completely caught up in the light of her full gaze, which pulled him into unexpected depths of intimacy. He, who had only lived on fleeting glances—quick looks that vanished in the shadows—now found her eyes focused on him with an intensity that completely amazed him.
“I left,” Lily continued, “lest people should say I was helping Mrs. Hatch to marry Freddy Van Osburgh—who is not in the least too good for her—and as they still continue to say it, I see that I might as well have stayed where I was.”
“I left,” Lily continued, “so people wouldn’t think I was helping Mrs. Hatch marry Freddy Van Osburgh—who isn’t in the least too good for her—and since they still keep saying that, I realize I might as well have just stayed where I was.”
“Oh, Freddy——” Rosedale brushed aside the topic with an air of its unimportance which gave a sense of the immense perspective he had acquired. “Freddy don’t count—but I knew YOU weren’t mixed up in that. It ain’t your style.”
“Oh, Freddy—” Rosedale waved off the topic as if it were insignificant, giving off a sense of the vast perspective he had gained. “Freddy doesn’t matter—but I knew YOU weren’t involved in that. It’s not your style.”
Lily coloured slightly: she could not conceal from herself that the words gave her pleasure. She would have liked to sit there, drinking more tea, and continuing to talk of herself to Rosedale. But the old habit of observing the conventions reminded her that it was time to bring their colloquy to an end, and she made a faint motion to push back her chair.
Lily blushed slightly; she couldn't deny that the words made her happy. She would have loved to stay there, drinking more tea and continuing to talk about herself to Rosedale. But the old habit of following social norms reminded her that it was time to wrap up their conversation, and she made a soft motion to push back her chair.
Rosedale stopped her with a protesting gesture. “Wait a minute—don’t go yet; sit quiet and rest a little longer. You look thoroughly played out. And you haven’t told me——” He broke off, conscious of going farther than he had meant. She saw the struggle and understood it; understood also the nature of the spell to which he yielded as, with his eyes on her face, he began again abruptly: “What on earth did you mean by saying just now that you were learning to be a milliner?”
Rosedale stopped her with a gesture. “Hold on—don’t leave yet; sit down and relax a bit longer. You look completely worn out. And you haven’t told me——” He paused, realizing he had gone further than he intended. She saw the conflict and understood it; she also grasped the hold he had over himself as, with his eyes on her face, he suddenly continued: “What do you mean by saying just now that you were learning to be a milliner?”
“Just what I said. I am an apprentice at Regina’s.”
“Just what I said. I’m an apprentice at Regina’s.”
“Good Lord—YOU? But what for? I knew your aunt had turned you down: Mrs. Fisher told me about it. But I understood you got a legacy from her——”
“Good Lord—YOU? But why? I heard your aunt said no: Mrs. Fisher mentioned it to me. But I thought you received an inheritance from her——”
“I got ten thousand dollars; but the legacy is not to be paid till next summer.”
“I have ten thousand dollars, but the inheritance won’t be paid until next summer.”
“Well, but—look here: you could BORROW on it any time you wanted.”
"Well, but—check this out: you could borrow against it whenever you wanted."
She shook her head gravely. “No; for I owe it already.”
She shook her head seriously. “No; because I already owe it.”
“Owe it? The whole ten thousand?”
“Owe it? The full ten thousand?”
“Every penny.” She paused, and then continued abruptly, with her eyes on his face: “I think Gus Trenor spoke to you once about having made some money for me in stocks.”
“Every penny.” She paused, then continued suddenly, her eyes fixed on his face: “I think Gus Trenor mentioned to you that he made some money for me in stocks.”
She waited, and Rosedale, congested with embarrassment, muttered that he remembered something of the kind.
She waited, and Rosedale, overwhelmed with embarrassment, mumbled that he recalled something like that.
“He made about nine thousand dollars,” Lily pursued, in the same tone of eager communicativeness. “At the time, I understood that he was speculating with my own money: it was incredibly stupid of me, but I knew nothing of business. Afterward I found out that he had NOT used my money—that what he said he had made for me he had really given me. It was meant in kindness, of course; but it was not the sort of obligation one could remain under. Unfortunately I had spent the money before I discovered my mistake; and so my legacy will have to go to pay it back. That is the reason why I am trying to learn a trade.”
“He made about nine thousand dollars,” Lily continued, in the same eager way. “At the time, I thought he was investing my money: it was incredibly foolish of me, but I didn’t know anything about business. Later, I found out that he hadn’t used my money at all—that what he claimed to have made for me was actually a gift. It was meant nicely, of course; but it was not the kind of debt one can just ignore. Unfortunately, I had already spent the money before I realized my mistake; so now my inheritance will have to go to pay it back. That’s why I’m trying to learn a trade.”
She made the statement clearly, deliberately, with pauses between the sentences, so that each should have time to sink deeply into her hearer’s mind. She had a passionate desire that some one should know the truth about this transaction, and also that the rumour of her intention to repay the money should reach Judy Trenor’s ears. And it had suddenly occurred to her that Rosedale, who had surprised Trenor’s confidence, was the fitting person to receive and transmit her version of the facts. She had even felt a momentary exhilaration at the thought of thus relieving herself of her detested secret; but the sensation gradually faded in the telling, and as she ended her pallor was suffused with a deep blush of misery.
She spoke clearly and deliberately, pausing between sentences so each one had time to really sink in for her listener. She desperately wanted someone to know the truth about what happened and hoped that the news of her intention to pay back the money would reach Judy Trenor. It suddenly struck her that Rosedale, who had gained Trenor's trust, was the right person to hear and share her side of the story. For a moment, she felt a rush of relief at the thought of finally getting rid of her hated secret; but that feeling faded as she spoke, and by the end, her pale face was flushed with deep shame.
Rosedale continued to stare at her in wonder; but the wonder took the turn she had least expected.
Rosedale kept gazing at her in amazement, but the amazement took a turn she least expected.
“But see here—if that’s the case, it cleans you out altogether?”
“But look—if that's the case, it completely empties you out?”
He put it to her as if she had not grasped the consequences of her act; as if her incorrigible ignorance of business were about to precipitate her into a fresh act of folly.
He presented it to her as if she didn't understand the consequences of her actions; as if her stubborn lack of understanding about business was about to lead her into another mistake.
“Altogether—yes,” she calmly agreed.
"Sure thing—yes," she calmly agreed.
He sat silent, his thick hands clasped on the table, his little puzzled eyes exploring the recesses of the deserted restaurant.
He sat quietly, his large hands clasped on the table, his small confused eyes scanning the corners of the empty restaurant.
“See here—that’s fine,” he exclaimed abruptly.
“Look, that's great,” he said suddenly.
Lily rose from her seat with a deprecating laugh. “Oh, no—it’s merely a bore,” she asserted, gathering together the ends of her feather scarf.
Lily got up from her seat with a self-deprecating laugh. “Oh, no—it’s just boring,” she said, tying her feather scarf together.
Rosedale remained seated, too intent on his thoughts to notice her movement. “Miss Lily, if you want any backing—I like pluck——” broke from him disconnectedly.
Rosedale stayed in his seat, too focused on his thoughts to notice her moving. “Miss Lily, if you need any support—I admire courage——” he said, somewhat distracted.
“Thank you.” She held out her hand. “Your tea has given me a tremendous backing. I feel equal to anything now.”
“Thank you.” She extended her hand. “Your tea has given me such great support. I feel ready for anything now.”
Her gesture seemed to show a definite intention of dismissal, but her companion had tossed a bill to the waiter, and was slipping his short arms into his expensive overcoat.
Her gesture clearly indicated she wanted to end the conversation, but her companion had thrown some cash to the waiter and was putting on his fancy overcoat.
“Wait a minute—you’ve got to let me walk home with you,” he said.
“Hold on a second—you have to let me walk home with you,” he said.
Lily uttered no protest, and when he had paused to make sure of his change they emerged from the hotel and crossed Sixth Avenue again. As she led the way westward past a long line of areas which, through the distortion of their paintless rails, revealed with increasing candour the DISJECTA MEMBRA of bygone dinners, Lily felt that Rosedale was taking contemptuous note of the neighbourhood; and before the doorstep at which she finally paused he looked up with an air of incredulous disgust.
Lily said nothing in objection, and when he stopped to check his change, they left the hotel and crossed Sixth Avenue again. As she walked ahead, moving west past a long row of areas that, through the worn-out paint on their railings, openly displayed the remnants of past dinners, Lily sensed that Rosedale was looking down on the neighborhood. When they reached the doorstep where she eventually stopped, he looked up with an expression of disbelief and disgust.
“This isn’t the place? Some one told me you were living with Miss Farish.”
“This isn’t the right place? Someone told me you were staying with Miss Farish.”
“No: I am boarding here. I have lived too long on my friends.”
“Nope: I’m staying here. I’ve relied on my friends for too long.”
He continued to scan the blistered brown stone front, the windows draped with discoloured lace, and the Pompeian decoration of the muddy vestibule; then he looked back at her face and said with a visible effort: “You’ll let me come and see you some day?”
He kept looking at the weathered brown stone front, the windows covered in faded lace, and the dusty decor of the muddy entryway; then he turned back to her face and said with noticeable effort: “Will you let me come and see you someday?”
She smiled, recognizing the heroism of the offer to the point of being frankly touched by it. “Thank you—I shall be very glad,” she made answer, in the first sincere words she had ever spoken to him.
She smiled, truly moved by the bravery of the offer. “Thank you—I would be very happy,” she replied, in the first honest words she had ever said to him.
That evening in her own room Miss Bart—who had fled early from the heavy fumes of the basement dinner-table—sat musing upon the impulse which had led her to unbosom herself to Rosedale. Beneath it she discovered an increasing sense of loneliness—a dread of returning to the solitude of her room, while she could be anywhere else, or in any company but her own. Circumstances, of late, had combined to cut her off more and more from her few remaining friends. On Carry Fisher’s part the withdrawal was perhaps not quite involuntary. Having made her final effort on Lily’s behalf, and landed her safely in Mme. Regina’s work-room, Mrs. Fisher seemed disposed to rest from her labours; and Lily, understanding the reason, could not condemn her. Carry had in fact come dangerously near to being involved in the episode of Mrs. Norma Hatch, and it had taken some verbal ingenuity to extricate herself. She frankly owned to having brought Lily and Mrs. Hatch together, but then she did not know Mrs. Hatch—she had expressly warned Lily that she did not know Mrs. Hatch—and besides, she was not Lily’s keeper, and really the girl was old enough to take care of herself. Carry did not put her own case so brutally, but she allowed it to be thus put for her by her latest bosom friend, Mrs. Jack Stepney: Mrs. Stepney, trembling over the narrowness of her only brother’s escape, but eager to vindicate Mrs. Fisher, at whose house she could count on the “jolly parties” which had become a necessity to her since marriage had emancipated her from the Van Osburgh point of view.
That evening in her room, Miss Bart—who had left the heavy smoke of the basement dinner table early—sat thinking about what had made her open up to Rosedale. Beneath that thought, she felt an increasing sense of loneliness—a fear of going back to the isolation of her room when she could be anywhere else, or with anyone but herself. Recently, circumstances had kept her more and more away from her few remaining friends. Carry Fisher's withdrawal was perhaps not entirely unintentional. After making her last effort to help Lily and successfully getting her settled in Mme. Regina’s workshop, Mrs. Fisher seemed ready to take a break; Lily understood why and couldn't blame her. Carry had come pretty close to getting caught up in the situation with Mrs. Norma Hatch, and she had to use some clever wording to get out of it. She openly admitted to introducing Lily to Mrs. Hatch, but she insisted that she didn't know Mrs. Hatch—she had specifically warned Lily about that—and besides, she wasn't responsible for Lily, who was already old enough to take care of herself. Carry didn't express her perspective quite so harshly, but her latest close friend, Mrs. Jack Stepney, put it that way for her: Mrs. Stepney, anxious about the narrow escape of her only brother, eager to defend Mrs. Fisher, at whose house she could count on the "fun parties" that had become essential to her since marriage had freed her from the Van Osburgh viewpoint.
Lily understood the situation and could make allowances for it. Carry had been a good friend to her in difficult days, and perhaps only a friendship like Gerty’s could be proof against such an increasing strain. Gerty’s friendship did indeed hold fast; yet Lily was beginning to avoid her also. For she could not go to Gerty’s without risk of meeting Selden; and to meet him now would be pure pain. It was pain enough even to think of him, whether she considered him in the distinctness of her waking thoughts, or felt the obsession of his presence through the blur of her tormented nights. That was one of the reasons why she had turned again to Mrs. Hatch’s prescription. In the uneasy snatches of her natural dreams he came to her sometimes in the old guise of fellowship and tenderness; and she would rise from the sweet delusion mocked and emptied of her courage. But in the sleep which the phial procured she sank far below such half-waking visitations, sank into depths of dreamless annihilation from which she woke each morning with an obliterated past.
Lily understood the situation and could make allowances for it. Carry had been a good friend to her during tough times, and maybe only a friendship like Gerty’s could withstand such growing pressure. Gerty’s friendship did manage to hold strong; still, Lily was starting to avoid her too. She couldn’t go to Gerty’s without the risk of running into Selden; and seeing him now would only bring her pain. It was painful enough just to think about him, whether she considered him clearly in her waking thoughts or felt the weight of his presence through the haze of her troubled nights. That was one of the reasons she had turned back to Mrs. Hatch’s prescription. In the uneasy fragments of her natural dreams, he sometimes came to her in the familiar form of friendship and tenderness; and she would wake from the sweet illusion feeling mocked and depleted of her courage. But with the sleep the vial provided, she sank far below those half-waking visits, into depths of dreamless oblivion, from which she woke each morning with a forgotten past.
Gradually, to be sure, the stress of the old thoughts would return; but at least they did not importune her waking hour. The drug gave her a momentary illusion of complete renewal, from which she drew strength to take up her daily work. The strength was more and more needed as the perplexities of her future increased. She knew that to Gerty and Mrs. Fisher she was only passing through a temporary period of probation, since they believed that the apprenticeship she was serving at Mme. Regina’s would enable her, when Mrs. Peniston’s legacy was paid, to realize the vision of the green-and-white shop with the fuller competence acquired by her preliminary training. But to Lily herself, aware that the legacy could not be put to such a use, the preliminary training seemed a wasted effort. She understood clearly enough that, even if she could ever learn to compete with hands formed from childhood for their special work, the small pay she received would not be a sufficient addition to her income to compensate her for such drudgery. And the realization of this fact brought her recurringly face to face with the temptation to use the legacy in establishing her business. Once installed, and in command of her own work-women, she believed she had sufficient tact and ability to attract a fashionable CLIENTELE; and if the business succeeded she could gradually lay aside money enough to discharge her debt to Trenor. But the task might take years to accomplish, even if she continued to stint herself to the utmost; and meanwhile her pride would be crushed under the weight of an intolerable obligation.
Gradually, the stress from her old thoughts would creep back in; but at least they didn't bother her during the day. The drug gave her a fleeting feeling of complete renewal, from which she drew strength to tackle her daily tasks. This strength was increasingly necessary as her uncertainties about the future grew. She knew that for Gerty and Mrs. Fisher, she was only going through a temporary phase because they believed that the training she was receiving at Mme. Regina’s would enable her, once Mrs. Peniston’s inheritance was received, to achieve her dream of the green-and-white shop with better skills thanks to her initial training. But for Lily herself, aware that the inheritance couldn't be used this way, the training felt like a wasted effort. She clearly understood that even if she could ever compete with those whose hands had been trained for this work since childhood, the small paycheck she received wouldn’t be enough to make up for such hard labor. The realization of this brought her back to the tempting idea of using the inheritance to start her own business. Once set up and in charge of her own employees, she believed she had the charm and ability to attract a fashionable clientele; and if the business thrived, she could gradually save enough money to pay off her debt to Trenor. But accomplishing this might take years, even if she scrimped and saved in every way possible; and in the meantime, her pride would be crushed under the burden of an unbearable obligation.
These were her superficial considerations; but under them lurked the secret dread that the obligation might not always remain intolerable. She knew she could not count on her continuity of purpose, and what really frightened her was the thought that she might gradually accommodate herself to remaining indefinitely in Trenor’s debt, as she had accommodated herself to the part allotted her on the Sabrina, and as she had so nearly drifted into acquiescing with Stancy’s scheme for the advancement of Mrs. Hatch. Her danger lay, as she knew, in her old incurable dread of discomfort and poverty; in the fear of that mounting tide of dinginess against which her mother had so passionately warned her. And now a new vista of peril opened before her. She understood that Rosedale was ready to lend her money; and the longing to take advantage of his offer began to haunt her insidiously. It was of course impossible to accept a loan from Rosedale; but proximate possibilities hovered temptingly before her. She was quite sure that he would come and see her again, and almost sure that, if he did, she could bring him to the point of offering to marry her on the terms she had previously rejected. Would she still reject them if they were offered? More and more, with every fresh mischance befalling her, did the pursuing furies seem to take the shape of Bertha Dorset; and close at hand, safely locked among her papers, lay the means of ending their pursuit. The temptation, which her scorn of Rosedale had once enabled her to reject, now insistently returned upon her; and how much strength was left her to oppose it?
These were her shallow thoughts; but beneath them was the hidden fear that the obligation might not always feel unbearable. She knew she couldn’t rely on her resolve, and what really scared her was the idea that she might slowly get used to being in Trenor’s debt indefinitely, just as she had adapted to her role on the Sabrina, and how close she had come to going along with Stancy’s plan for Mrs. Hatch’s advancement. Her risk lay, as she recognized, in her old, unshakable fear of discomfort and poverty; in the anxiety of that creeping sense of dullness her mother had so fervently warned her about. And now a new danger loomed before her. She realized that Rosedale was ready to lend her money; and the desire to take him up on his offer began to insidiously trouble her. It was, of course, out of the question to accept a loan from Rosedale; but nearby possibilities hung enticingly in front of her. She was quite sure he would come to see her again, and almost certain that, if he did, she could get him to the point of proposing marriage on the terms she had previously turned down. Would she still refuse if they were offered again? More and more, with each new misfortune, the relentless furies seemed to manifest as Bertha Dorset; and right there, safely locked away among her papers, lay the means to end their pursuit. The temptation that her disdain for Rosedale had once allowed her to reject now pressed back on her insistently; and how much strength did she have left to resist it?
What little there was must at any rate be husbanded to the utmost; she could not trust herself again to the perils of a sleepless night. Through the long hours of silence the dark spirit of fatigue and loneliness crouched upon her breast, leaving her so drained of bodily strength that her morning thoughts swam in a haze of weakness. The only hope of renewal lay in the little bottle at her bed-side; and how much longer that hope would last she dared not conjecture.
What little she had needed to be saved as much as possible; she couldn’t risk facing another sleepless night. Through the long hours of quiet, the heavy weight of fatigue and loneliness pressed down on her, leaving her so drained that her thoughts in the morning were clouded by weakness. The only chance for renewal was in the small bottle by her bedside, and she didn’t dare to guess how much longer that hope would last.
Chapter 11
Lily, lingering for a moment on the corner, looked out on the afternoon spectacle of Fifth Avenue. It was a day in late April, and the sweetness of spring was in the air. It mitigated the ugliness of the long crowded thoroughfare, blurred the gaunt roof-lines, threw a mauve veil over the discouraging perspective of the side streets, and gave a touch of poetry to the delicate haze of green that marked the entrance to the Park.
Lily paused for a moment on the corner, gazing at the afternoon scene on Fifth Avenue. It was a late April day, and the freshness of spring filled the air. It softened the harshness of the crowded street, softened the stark rooflines, cast a purple haze over the bleak view of the side streets, and added a hint of beauty to the light green fog that marked the entrance to the Park.
As Lily stood there, she recognized several familiar faces in the passing carriages. The season was over, and its ruling forces had disbanded; but a few still lingered, delaying their departure for Europe, or passing through town on their return from the South. Among them was Mrs. Van Osburgh, swaying majestically in her C-spring barouche, with Mrs. Percy Gryce at her side, and the new heir to the Gryce millions enthroned before them on his nurse’s knees. They were succeeded by Mrs. Hatch’s electric victoria, in which that lady reclined in the lonely splendour of a spring toilet obviously designed for company; and a moment or two later came Judy Trenor, accompanied by Lady Skiddaw, who had come over for her annual tarpon fishing and a dip into “the street.”
As Lily stood there, she spotted several familiar faces in the passing carriages. The season had ended, and its key players had dispersed; but a few were still around, postponing their departure for Europe, or passing through town on their way back from the South. Among them was Mrs. Van Osburgh, swaying majestically in her C-spring barouche, with Mrs. Percy Gryce beside her and the new heir to the Gryce fortune sitting on his nurse’s lap in front of them. They were followed by Mrs. Hatch’s electric victoria, where that lady lounged in the lonely splendor of a spring outfit clearly meant for company; and a moment later, Judy Trenor arrived, accompanied by Lady Skiddaw, who had come over for her annual tarpon fishing trip and a taste of “the street.”
This fleeting glimpse of her past served to emphasize the sense of aimlessness with which Lily at length turned toward home. She had nothing to do for the rest of the day, nor for the days to come; for the season was over in millinery as well as in society, and a week earlier Mme. Regina had notified her that her services were no longer required. Mme. Regina always reduced her staff on the first of May, and Miss Bart’s attendance had of late been so irregular—she had so often been unwell, and had done so little work when she came—that it was only as a favour that her dismissal had hitherto been deferred.
This brief memory of her past highlighted the aimlessness with which Lily finally headed home. She had nothing to do for the rest of the day, or for the days ahead; the season was over in both millinery and society, and a week earlier, Mme. Regina had told her that her services were no longer needed. Mme. Regina always slimmed down her staff on the first of May, and Miss Bart’s attendance had recently been so inconsistent—she had often been unwell and had barely done any work when she did show up—that it was only out of goodwill that her firing had been postponed up to that point.
Lily did not question the justice of the decision. She was conscious of having been forgetful, awkward and slow to learn. It was bitter to acknowledge her inferiority even to herself, but the fact had been brought home to her that as a bread-winner she could never compete with professional ability. Since she had been brought up to be ornamental, she could hardly blame herself for failing to serve any practical purpose; but the discovery put an end to her consoling sense of universal efficiency.
Lily didn't question the fairness of the decision. She realized she had been forgetful, clumsy, and slow to learn. It was tough to accept her own shortcomings, but she understood that as a provider, she could never match professional skills. Since she had been raised to be decorative, she could hardly hold herself accountable for not being useful; but this realization shattered her comforting belief that she had universal competence.
As she turned homeward her thoughts shrank in anticipation from the fact that there would be nothing to get up for the next morning. The luxury of lying late in bed was a pleasure belonging to the life of ease; it had no part in the utilitarian existence of the boarding-house. She liked to leave her room early, and to return to it as late as possible; and she was walking slowly now in order to postpone the detested approach to her doorstep.
As she headed home, her thoughts shrank at the realization that there would be nothing to wake up for the next morning. The luxury of sleeping in was a pleasure associated with a comfortable life; it had no place in the practical routine of the boarding house. She preferred to leave her room early and come back as late as she could; and she was walking slowly now to delay the dreaded arrival at her doorstep.
But the doorstep, as she drew near it, acquired a sudden interest from the fact that it was occupied—and indeed filled—by the conspicuous figure of Mr. Rosedale, whose presence seemed to take on an added amplitude from the meanness of his surroundings.
But as she approached the doorstep, it suddenly became interesting because it was taken up—and indeed filled—by the noticeable figure of Mr. Rosedale, whose presence seemed to loom larger against the dullness of his surroundings.
The sight stirred Lily with an irresistible sense of triumph. Rosedale, a day or two after their chance meeting, had called to enquire if she had recovered from her indisposition; but since then she had not seen or heard from him, and his absence seemed to betoken a struggle to keep away, to let her pass once more out of his life. If this were the case, his return showed that the struggle had been unsuccessful, for Lily knew he was not the man to waste his time in an ineffectual sentimental dalliance. He was too busy, too practical, and above all too much preoccupied with his own advancement, to indulge in such unprofitable asides.
The sight filled Lily with an undeniable feeling of triumph. A day or two after their chance meeting, Rosedale had reached out to see if she had recovered from her illness; but since then, she hadn’t seen or heard from him, and his absence seemed to indicate an effort to stay away, to let her slip out of his life again. If that was the case, his return meant that struggle hadn’t worked, because Lily knew he wasn’t the type to waste time on meaningless romantic flings. He was too busy, too practical, and above all, too focused on his own success to engage in such unproductive distractions.
In the peacock-blue parlour, with its bunches of dried pampas grass, and discoloured steel engravings of sentimental episodes, he looked about him with unconcealed disgust, laying his hat distrustfully on the dusty console adorned with a Rogers statuette.
In the peacock-blue living room, filled with bunches of dried pampas grass and faded steel engravings of sentimental moments, he glanced around with obvious disgust, placing his hat cautiously on the dusty console topped with a Rogers statuette.
Lily sat down on one of the plush and rosewood sofas, and he deposited himself in a rocking-chair draped with a starched antimacassar which scraped unpleasantly against the pink fold of skin above his collar.
Lily sat on one of the soft rosewood sofas, and he settled into a rocking chair covered with a stiff antimacassar that scratched uncomfortably against the pink skin above his collar.
“My goodness—you can’t go on living here!” he exclaimed.
“My goodness—you can’t keep living here!” he exclaimed.
Lily smiled at his tone. “I am not sure that I can; but I have gone over my expenses very carefully, and I rather think I shall be able to manage it.”
Lily smiled at his tone. “I’m not sure if I can; but I’ve looked at my expenses very closely, and I think I should be able to manage it.”
“Be able to manage it? That’s not what I mean—it’s no place for you!”
“Manage it? That’s not what I mean—it’s not the right place for you!”
“It’s what I mean; for I have been out of work for the last week.”
“It’s what I mean; I've been unemployed for the past week.”
“Out of work—out of work! What a way for you to talk! The idea of your having to work—it’s preposterous.” He brought out his sentences in short violent jerks, as though they were forced up from a deep inner crater of indignation. “It’s a farce—a crazy farce,” he repeated, his eyes fixed on the long vista of the room reflected in the blotched glass between the windows.
“Unemployed—unemployed! What a thing for you to say! The thought of you having to work—it’s absurd.” He delivered his sentences in sharp, forceful bursts, as if they were being pulled up from a deep well of anger. “It’s a joke—a ridiculous joke,” he repeated, his eyes locked on the long view of the room reflected in the stained glass between the windows.
Lily continued to meet his expostulations with a smile. “I don’t know why I should regard myself as an exception——” she began.
Lily kept responding to his protests with a smile. “I don’t see why I should consider myself an exception——” she started.
“Because you ARE; that’s why; and your being in a place like this is a damnable outrage. I can’t talk of it calmly.”
“Because you ARE; that's why; and your being in a place like this is a terrible outrage. I can’t discuss it calmly.”
She had in truth never seen him so shaken out of his usual glibness; and there was something almost moving to her in his inarticulate struggle with his emotions.
She had honestly never seen him so thrown off his usual smoothness; and there was something almost touching to her in his clumsy fight with his feelings.
He rose with a start which left the rocking-chair quivering on its beam ends, and placed himself squarely before her.
He jumped up abruptly, causing the rocking chair to shake on its base, and positioned himself directly in front of her.
“Look here, Miss Lily, I’m going to Europe next week: going over to Paris and London for a couple of months—and I can’t leave you like this. I can’t do it. I know it’s none of my business—you’ve let me understand that often enough; but things are worse with you now than they have been before, and you must see that you’ve got to accept help from somebody. You spoke to me the other day about some debt to Trenor. I know what you mean—and I respect you for feeling as you do about it.”
“Listen, Miss Lily, I’m heading to Europe next week: going to Paris and London for a couple of months—and I can’t leave you like this. I just can’t. I know it’s not my place—you’ve made that clear plenty of times; but things are worse for you now than they’ve been before, and you have to realize that you need to accept help from someone. You mentioned the other day about some debt to Trenor. I get what you mean—and I respect you for feeling the way you do about it.”
A blush of surprise rose to Lily’s pale face, but before she could interrupt him he had continued eagerly: “Well, I’ll lend you the money to pay Trenor; and I won’t—I—see here, don’t take me up till I’ve finished. What I mean is, it’ll be a plain business arrangement, such as one man would make with another. Now, what have you got to say against that?”
A flush of surprise spread across Lily’s pale face, but before she could interrupt him, he continued eagerly: “Well, I’ll lend you the money to pay Trenor; and I won’t—I—wait, don’t jump in until I’m done. What I mean is, it’ll be a straightforward business deal, like one guy would make with another. So, what do you have to say about that?”
Lily’s blush deepened to a glow in which humiliation and gratitude were mingled; and both sentiments revealed themselves in the unexpected gentleness of her reply.
Lily’s blush turned into a warm glow that mixed embarrassment and gratitude; both feelings showed in the surprising softness of her response.
“Only this: that it is exactly what Gus Trenor proposed; and that I can never again be sure of understanding the plainest business arrangement.” Then, realizing that this answer contained a germ of injustice, she added, even more kindly: “Not that I don’t appreciate your kindness—that I’m not grateful for it. But a business arrangement between us would in any case be impossible, because I shall have no security to give when my debt to Gus Trenor has been paid.”
“Only this: that it’s exactly what Gus Trenor proposed; and that I can never be sure I understand even the simplest business deal again.” Then, realizing that her response was a bit unfair, she added, even more kindly: “It’s not that I don’t appreciate your kindness—that I’m not grateful for it. But a business deal between us would be impossible anyway, because I won’t have any security to offer once I’ve paid off my debt to Gus Trenor.”
Rosedale received this statement in silence: he seemed to feel the note of finality in her voice, yet to be unable to accept it as closing the question between them.
Rosedale listened to her in silence: he sensed the definite tone in her voice, yet he couldn't bring himself to accept it as the end of the discussion between them.
In the silence Lily had a clear perception of what was passing through his mind. Whatever perplexity he felt as to the inexorableness of her course—however little he penetrated its motive—she saw that it unmistakably tended to strengthen her hold over him. It was as though the sense in her of unexplained scruples and resistances had the same attraction as the delicacy of feature, the fastidiousness of manner, which gave her an external rarity, an air of being impossible to match. As he advanced in social experience this uniqueness had acquired a greater value for him, as though he were a collector who had learned to distinguish minor differences of design and quality in some long-coveted object.
In the silence, Lily clearly sensed what was going on in his mind. No matter how confused he was about her relentless approach—no matter how little he understood her motives—she realized that it definitely strengthened her influence over him. It was as if her unexplained doubts and hesitations drew him in just like her delicate features and refined mannerisms did, creating an impossibility in her uniqueness. As he gained more social experience, this distinctiveness became even more valuable to him, like a collector who had learned to appreciate the subtle differences in design and quality of a long-desired item.
Lily, perceiving all this, understood that he would marry her at once, on the sole condition of a reconciliation with Mrs. Dorset; and the temptation was the less easy to put aside because, little by little, circumstances were breaking down her dislike for Rosedale. The dislike, indeed, still subsisted; but it was penetrated here and there by the perception of mitigating qualities in him: of a certain gross kindliness, a rather helpless fidelity of sentiment, which seemed to be struggling through the hard surface of his material ambitions.
Lily, realizing all this, understood that he would marry her right away, but only if she reconciled with Mrs. Dorset; and the temptation was harder to resist because, little by little, her reasons for disliking Rosedale were fading. The dislike, of course, was still there; but it was mixed with glimpses of redeeming qualities in him: a kind of blunt kindness, a somewhat clumsy loyalty of feelings, which seemed to be fighting to break through the tough exterior of his material ambitions.
Reading his dismissal in her eyes, he held out his hand with a gesture which conveyed something of this inarticulate conflict.
Reading the rejection in her eyes, he extended his hand with a gesture that expressed some of this unspoken struggle.
“If you’d only let me, I’d set you up over them all—I’d put you where you could wipe your feet on ’em!” he declared; and it touched her oddly to see that his new passion had not altered his old standard of values.
“If you’d just let me, I’d put you above all of them—I’d set you up so you could walk all over them!” he stated; and it struck her strangely to realize that his new passion hadn’t changed his old values.
Lily took no sleeping-drops that night. She lay awake viewing her situation in the crude light which Rosedale’s visit had shed on it. In fending off the offer he was so plainly ready to renew, had she not sacrificed to one of those abstract notions of honour that might be called the conventionalities of the moral life? What debt did she owe to a social order which had condemned and banished her without trial? She had never been heard in her own defence; she was innocent of the charge on which she had been found guilty; and the irregularity of her conviction might seem to justify the use of methods as irregular in recovering her lost rights. Bertha Dorset, to save herself, had not scrupled to ruin her by an open falsehood; why should she hesitate to make private use of the facts that chance had put in her way? After all, half the opprobrium of such an act lies in the name attached to it. Call it blackmail and it becomes unthinkable; but explain that it injures no one, and that the rights regained by it were unjustly forfeited, and he must be a formalist indeed who can find no plea in its defence.
Lily didn’t take any sleeping pills that night. She lay awake, reconsidering her situation in the harsh light that Rosedale’s visit had cast on it. By rejecting the offer he was clearly ready to make again, had she not given in to one of those abstract ideas of honor that could be called the conventions of morality? What obligation did she have to a social system that had condemned and exiled her without a fair trial? She had never had a chance to defend herself; she was innocent of the charge that had led to her conviction; and the irregularity of her conviction might justify using equally irregular methods to reclaim her lost rights. Bertha Dorset, to save herself, had shamelessly ruined her with an outright lie; why should Lily hesitate to use the information that fate had thrown her way? After all, much of the stigma of such an act comes from the label attached to it. Call it blackmail and it becomes unacceptable; but if you explain that it harms no one and that the rights restored through it were unjustly taken away, you must be very rigid indeed to find no justification for it.
The arguments pleading for it with Lily were the old unanswerable ones of the personal situation: the sense of injury, the sense of failure, the passionate craving for a fair chance against the selfish despotism of society. She had learned by experience that she had neither the aptitude nor the moral constancy to remake her life on new lines; to become a worker among workers, and let the world of luxury and pleasure sweep by her unregarded. She could not hold herself much to blame for this ineffectiveness, and she was perhaps less to blame than she believed. Inherited tendencies had combined with early training to make her the highly specialized product she was: an organism as helpless out of its narrow range as the sea-anemone torn from the rock. She had been fashioned to adorn and delight; to what other end does nature round the rose-leaf and paint the humming-bird’s breast? And was it her fault that the purely decorative mission is less easily and harmoniously fulfilled among social beings than in the world of nature? That it is apt to be hampered by material necessities or complicated by moral scruples?
The arguments that convinced Lily were the same old unanswerable ones about her personal situation: the feeling of being wronged, the feeling of failure, and the deep desire for a fair shot against society’s selfish control. She had learned from experience that she didn’t have the skills or the moral strength to reshape her life in a new way; to become a worker among workers and let the world of luxury and pleasure pass her by without notice. She couldn’t hold herself too accountable for this inability, and she might actually be less at fault than she thought. Inherited traits combined with early upbringing had made her the highly specialized person she was: someone as helpless outside her limited range as a sea-anemone pulled from its rock. She was made to decorate and delight; what other purpose does nature have in shaping the rose-leaf and coloring the hummingbird’s breast? And was it her fault that the purely decorative purpose is harder and less smoothly achieved among social beings than in nature? That it tends to be hindered by material needs or complicated by moral dilemmas?
These last were the two antagonistic forces which fought out their battle in her breast during the long watches of the night; and when she rose the next morning she hardly knew where the victory lay. She was exhausted by the reaction of a night without sleep, coming after many nights of rest artificially obtained; and in the distorting light of fatigue the future stretched out before her grey, interminable and desolate.
These were the two opposing forces that fought within her during the long hours of the night; and when she got up the next morning, she could barely tell who had won. She was worn out from a sleepless night after having gotten rest through artificial means for many nights before; and in the harsh light of her exhaustion, the future looked dull, endless, and bleak.
She lay late in bed, refusing the coffee and fried eggs which the friendly Irish servant thrust through her door, and hating the intimate domestic noises of the house and the cries and rumblings of the street. Her week of idleness had brought home to her with exaggerated force these small aggravations of the boarding-house world, and she yearned for that other luxurious world, whose machinery is so carefully concealed that one scene flows into another without perceptible agency.
She stayed in bed late, rejecting the coffee and fried eggs that the friendly Irish servant pushed through her door, and resenting the familiar domestic sounds of the house and the noise from the street. Her week of doing nothing had made her acutely aware of these little annoyances of boarding-house life, and she longed for that other luxurious world, where everything runs so smoothly that one scene transitions into another without any obvious effort.
At length she rose and dressed. Since she had left Mme. Regina’s she had spent her days in the streets, partly to escape from the uncongenial promiscuities of the boarding-house, and partly in the hope that physical fatigue would help her to sleep. But once out of the house, she could not decide where to go; for she had avoided Gerty since her dismissal from the milliner’s, and she was not sure of a welcome anywhere else.
At last, she got up and got dressed. Since leaving Mme. Regina’s, she had been spending her days outside, partly to escape the uncomfortable atmosphere of the boarding house, and partly hoping that physical exhaustion would help her sleep. But once she was out of the house, she couldn’t figure out where to go; she had avoided Gerty since being let go from the milliner’s, and she wasn’t sure if she would be welcomed anywhere else.
The morning was in harsh contrast to the previous day. A cold grey sky threatened rain, and a high wind drove the dust in wild spirals up and down the streets. Lily walked up Fifth Avenue toward the Park, hoping to find a sheltered nook where she might sit; but the wind chilled her, and after an hour’s wandering under the tossing boughs she yielded to her increasing weariness, and took refuge in a little restaurant in Fifty-ninth Street. She was not hungry, and had meant to go without luncheon; but she was too tired to return home, and the long perspective of white tables showed alluringly through the windows.
The morning was a stark contrast to the day before. A cold, gray sky threatened rain, and a strong wind whipped the dust into wild spirals up and down the streets. Lily walked up Fifth Avenue toward the Park, hoping to find a cozy spot to sit; but the wind chilled her, and after an hour of wandering among the swaying branches, she gave in to her growing tiredness and sought refuge in a small restaurant on Fifty-ninth Street. She wasn't hungry and had planned to skip lunch, but she was too exhausted to head home, and the long row of white tables looked inviting through the windows.
The room was full of women and girls, all too much engaged in the rapid absorption of tea and pie to remark her entrance. A hum of shrill voices reverberated against the low ceiling, leaving Lily shut out in a little circle of silence. She felt a sudden pang of profound loneliness. She had lost the sense of time, and it seemed to her as though she had not spoken to any one for days. Her eyes sought the faces about her, craving a responsive glance, some sign of an intuition of her trouble. But the sallow preoccupied women, with their bags and note-books and rolls of music, were all engrossed in their own affairs, and even those who sat by themselves were busy running over proof-sheets or devouring magazines between their hurried gulps of tea. Lily alone was stranded in a great waste of disoccupation.
The room was filled with women and girls, all too busy gulping down tea and pie to notice her arrival. A buzz of high-pitched voices echoed against the low ceiling, leaving Lily isolated in a small circle of silence. She felt a sudden wave of deep loneliness. She had lost track of time, and it seemed like she hadn’t spoken to anyone in days. Her eyes scanned the faces around her, yearning for a friendly glance, a sign that someone understood her distress. But the pale, distracted women, with their bags, notebooks, and sheets of music, were completely absorbed in their own concerns. Even those sitting alone were busy sifting through proof-sheets or flipping through magazines between quick sips of tea. Lily was the only one stranded in a vast sea of idleness.
She drank several cups of the tea which was served with her portion of stewed oysters, and her brain felt clearer and livelier when she emerged once more into the street. She realized now that, as she sat in the restaurant, she had unconsciously arrived at a final decision. The discovery gave her an immediate illusion of activity: it was exhilarating to think that she had actually a reason for hurrying home. To prolong her enjoyment of the sensation she decided to walk; but the distance was so great that she found herself glancing nervously at the clocks on the way. One of the surprises of her unoccupied state was the discovery that time, when it is left to itself and no definite demands are made on it, cannot be trusted to move at any recognized pace. Usually it loiters; but just when one has come to count upon its slowness, it may suddenly break into a wild irrational gallop.
She drank several cups of tea that came with her serving of stewed oysters, and her mind felt clearer and more awake when she stepped back out onto the street. She realized that while sitting in the restaurant, she had unconsciously made a final decision. The realization gave her an instant feeling of energy: it was thrilling to think she actually had a reason to rush home. To make the most of this feeling, she decided to walk; but the distance was so long that she found herself nervously checking the clocks along the way. One of the surprises of having free time was discovering that when left to its own devices and with no specific demands, time can’t be trusted to pass at any familiar speed. Usually, it drags on; but just when you start to rely on its slowness, it can suddenly take off at an unpredictable sprint.
She found, however, on reaching home, that the hour was still early enough for her to sit down and rest a few minutes before putting her plan into execution. The delay did not perceptibly weaken her resolve. She was frightened and yet stimulated by the reserved force of resolution which she felt within herself: she saw it was going to be easier, a great deal easier, than she had imagined.
She discovered, however, upon getting home, that it was still early enough for her to sit down and rest for a few minutes before putting her plan into action. The delay didn't noticeably weaken her determination. She felt scared yet inspired by the latent strength of resolve within her: she realized it was going to be much easier than she'd thought.
At five o’clock she rose, unlocked her trunk, and took out a sealed packet which she slipped into the bosom of her dress. Even the contact with the packet did not shake her nerves as she had half-expected it would. She seemed encased in a strong armour of indifference, as though the vigorous exertion of her will had finally benumbed her finer sensibilities.
At five o’clock, she got up, unlocked her trunk, and took out a sealed packet, which she tucked into the front of her dress. Surprisingly, even touching the packet didn't make her nervous, as she had feared it would. She appeared to be wrapped in a strong armor of indifference, as if the intense effort of her will had finally dulled her more delicate feelings.
She dressed herself once more for the street, locked her door and went out. When she emerged on the pavement, the day was still high, but a threat of rain darkened the sky and cold gusts shook the signs projecting from the basement shops along the street. She reached Fifth Avenue and began to walk slowly northward. She was sufficiently familiar with Mrs. Dorset’s habits to know that she could always be found at home after five. She might not, indeed, be accessible to visitors, especially to a visitor so unwelcome, and against whom it was quite possible that she had guarded herself by special orders; but Lily had written a note which she meant to send up with her name, and which she thought would secure her admission.
She got dressed again for the street, locked her door, and stepped out. As she hit the pavement, the day was still bright, but rain clouds were gathering and cold gusts were shaking the signs hanging from the basement shops along the street. She made her way to Fifth Avenue and started walking slowly north. She knew Mrs. Dorset’s routine well enough to realize that she would definitely be at home after five. She might not be open to visitors, especially someone like her who was not welcome, and it was entirely possible that Mrs. Dorset had taken special precautions against her. However, Lily had written a note that she intended to send up with her name, believing it would help her gain entry.
She had allowed herself time to walk to Mrs. Dorset’s, thinking that the quick movement through the cold evening air would help to steady her nerves; but she really felt no need of being tranquillized. Her survey of the situation remained calm and unwavering.
She took her time walking to Mrs. Dorset’s, believing that the brisk movement through the chilly evening air would help calm her nerves; but she didn’t actually feel the need to be calmed down. Her assessment of the situation stayed steady and clear.
As she reached Fiftieth Street the clouds broke abruptly, and a rush of cold rain slanted into her face. She had no umbrella and the moisture quickly penetrated her thin spring dress. She was still half a mile from her destination, and she decided to walk across to Madison Avenue and take the electric car. As she turned into the side street, a vague memory stirred in her. The row of budding trees, the new brick and limestone house-fronts, the Georgian flat-house with flower-boxes on its balconies, were merged together into the setting of a familiar scene. It was down this street that she had walked with Selden, that September day two years ago; a few yards ahead was the doorway they had entered together. The recollection loosened a throng of benumbed sensations—longings, regrets, imaginings, the throbbing brood of the only spring her heart had ever known. It was strange to find herself passing his house on such an errand. She seemed suddenly to see her action as he would see it—and the fact of his own connection with it, the fact that, to attain her end, she must trade on his name, and profit by a secret of his past, chilled her blood with shame. What a long way she had travelled since the day of their first talk together! Even then her feet had been set in the path she was now following—even then she had resisted the hand he had held out.
As she reached 50th Street, the clouds suddenly broke, and a rush of cold rain hit her face. She had no umbrella, and the moisture quickly soaked through her thin spring dress. She was still half a mile from her destination, so she decided to head over to Madison Avenue and take the electric car. As she turned onto the side street, a vague memory stirred within her. The row of budding trees, the new brick and limestone facades, the Georgian apartment building with flower boxes on its balconies all blended together into a familiar scene. It was down this street that she had walked with Selden on that September day two years ago; just a few yards ahead was the doorway they had entered together. The memory unleashed a flood of numb feelings—longings, regrets, fantasies, the emotional weight of the only spring her heart had ever known. It felt odd to be passing his house on such a mission. She suddenly saw her actions through his eyes—and the fact that she needed to use his name and exploit a secret from his past filled her with shame. She had come such a long way since their first conversation! Even then, she had been on the path she was now following—even then she had resisted the hand he had offered.
All her resentment of his fancied coldness was swept away in this overwhelming rush of recollection. Twice he had been ready to help her—to help her by loving her, as he had said—and if, the third time, he had seemed to fail her, whom but herself could she accuse?... Well, that part of her life was over; she did not know why her thoughts still clung to it. But the sudden longing to see him remained; it grew to hunger as she paused on the pavement opposite his door. The street was dark and empty, swept by the rain. She had a vision of his quiet room, of the bookshelves, and the fire on the hearth. She looked up and saw a light in his window; then she crossed the street and entered the house.
All her anger at his perceived coldness faded away in this overwhelming flood of memories. Twice he had offered to help her—by loving her, as he had said—and if, the third time, he seemed to let her down, who could she blame but herself? Well, that chapter of her life was over; she didn’t understand why her thoughts still lingered on it. But the sudden desire to see him remained; it grew into a craving as she paused on the sidewalk in front of his door. The street was dark and empty, washed by the rain. She imagined his quiet room, the bookshelves, and the fire in the hearth. She looked up and saw a light in his window; then she crossed the street and entered the house.
Chapter 12
The library looked as she had pictured it. The green-shaded lamps made tranquil circles of light in the gathering dusk, a little fire flickered on the hearth, and Selden’s easy-chair, which stood near it, had been pushed aside when he rose to admit her.
The library looked just like she had imagined. The green-shaded lamps cast calming circles of light in the fading evening, a small fire flickered in the fireplace, and Selden’s armchair, which was near it, had been moved aside when he got up to let her in.
He had checked his first movement of surprise, and stood silent, waiting for her to speak, while she paused a moment on the threshold, assailed by a rush of memories.
He had suppressed his initial surprise and stood quietly, waiting for her to speak, while she lingered for a moment at the door, overwhelmed by a flood of memories.
The scene was unchanged. She recognized the row of shelves from which he had taken down his La Bruyere, and the worn arm of the chair he had leaned against while she examined the precious volume. But then the wide September light had filled the room, making it seem a part of the outer world: now the shaded lamps and the warm hearth, detaching it from the gathering darkness of the street, gave it a sweeter touch of intimacy.
The scene looked the same. She remembered the row of shelves where he had taken down his La Bruyère and the worn arm of the chair he had leaned on while she looked at that precious book. Back then, the bright September light had filled the room, making it feel connected to the outside world; now the dim lamps and the warm fireplace, separating it from the encroaching darkness outside, created a cozier sense of closeness.
Becoming gradually aware of the surprise under Selden’s silence, Lily turned to him and said simply: “I came to tell you that I was sorry for the way we parted—for what I said to you that day at Mrs. Hatch’s.”
Becoming gradually aware of the surprise behind Selden’s silence, Lily turned to him and said simply: “I came to tell you that I’m sorry for how we parted—for what I said to you that day at Mrs. Hatch’s.”
The words rose to her lips spontaneously. Even on her way up the stairs, she had not thought of preparing a pretext for her visit, but she now felt an intense longing to dispel the cloud of misunderstanding that hung between them.
The words came to her lips naturally. Even while climbing the stairs, she hadn’t considered coming up with a reason for her visit, but now she felt a strong urge to clear the misunderstanding that lingered between them.
Selden returned her look with a smile. “I was sorry too that we should have parted in that way; but I am not sure I didn’t bring it on myself. Luckily I had foreseen the risk I was taking——”
Selden smiled back at her. “I was also sorry that we had to part like that, but I’m not sure I didn’t cause it myself. Fortunately, I had anticipated the risk I was taking—”
“So that you really didn’t care——?” broke from her with a flash of her old irony.
“So you really didn’t care——?” she said with a flash of her old irony.
“So that I was prepared for the consequences,” he corrected good-humouredly. “But we’ll talk of all this later. Do come and sit by the fire. I can recommend that arm-chair, if you’ll let me put a cushion behind you.”
“So I was ready for the consequences,” he said with a smile. “But we can talk about all this later. Please come and sit by the fire. I can recommend that armchair, if you don't mind me putting a cushion behind you.”
While he spoke she had moved slowly to the middle of the room, and paused near his writing-table, where the lamp, striking upward, cast exaggerated shadows on the pallor of her delicately-hollowed face.
While he spoke, she slowly moved to the center of the room and paused near his writing desk, where the lamp, shining upward, created exaggerated shadows on the pale contours of her delicate face.
“You look tired—do sit down,” he repeated gently.
"You look tired—please have a seat," he said softly.
She did not seem to hear the request. “I wanted you to know that I left Mrs. Hatch immediately after I saw you,” she said, as though continuing her confession.
She didn’t seem to hear the request. “I wanted you to know that I left Mrs. Hatch right after I saw you,” she said, as if she was continuing her confession.
“Yes—yes; I know,” he assented, with a rising tinge of embarrassment.
“Yes—yes; I know,” he agreed, with a growing hint of embarrassment.
“And that I did so because you told me to. Before you came I had already begun to see that it would be impossible to remain with her—for the reasons you gave me; but I wouldn’t admit it—I wouldn’t let you see that I understood what you meant.”
“And I did that because you told me to. Before you arrived, I had already started to realize that it would be impossible to stay with her—for the reasons you mentioned; but I wouldn’t admit it—I wouldn’t let you see that I understood what you meant.”
“Ah, I might have trusted you to find your own way out—don’t overwhelm me with the sense of my officiousness!”
“Ah, I thought you could figure your own way out—don’t make me feel like I’m trying too hard!”
His light tone, in which, had her nerves been steadier, she would have recognized the mere effort to bridge over an awkward moment, jarred on her passionate desire to be understood. In her strange state of extra-lucidity, which gave her the sense of being already at the heart of the situation, it seemed incredible that any one should think it necessary to linger in the conventional outskirts of word-play and evasion.
His light tone, which, if she had been calmer, she would have seen was just an attempt to ease an awkward moment, clashed with her intense need to be understood. In her unusual clarity, which made her feel like she was already at the core of the situation, it seemed unbelievable that anyone would think it was necessary to stay in the usual area of word games and avoidance.
“It was not that—I was not ungrateful,” she insisted. But the power of expression failed her suddenly; she felt a tremor in her throat, and two tears gathered and fell slowly from her eyes.
“It wasn’t that—I wasn’t ungrateful,” she insisted. But suddenly she struggled to find the right words; she felt a tremor in her throat, and two tears formed and slowly fell from her eyes.
Selden moved forward and took her hand. “You are very tired. Why won’t you sit down and let me make you comfortable?”
Selden stepped closer and took her hand. “You look really tired. Why don't you sit down and let me help you get comfortable?”
He drew her to the arm-chair near the fire, and placed a cushion behind her shoulders.
He guided her to the armchair by the fire and put a cushion behind her shoulders.
“And now you must let me make you some tea: you know I always have that amount of hospitality at my command.”
“And now you have to let me make you some tea: you know I always have that level of hospitality ready for you.”
She shook her head, and two more tears ran over. But she did not weep easily, and the long habit of self-control reasserted itself, though she was still too tremulous to speak.
She shook her head, and two more tears rolled down her face. But she didn’t cry easily, and her long practice of self-control kicked in again, even though she was still too shaky to speak.
“You know I can coax the water to boil in five minutes,” Selden continued, speaking as though she were a troubled child.
“You know I can get the water to boil in five minutes,” Selden continued, speaking as if she were a worried child.
His words recalled the vision of that other afternoon when they had sat together over his tea-table and talked jestingly of her future. There were moments when that day seemed more remote than any other event in her life; and yet she could always relive it in its minutest detail.
His words brought back the memory of that other afternoon when they sat together at his tea table, joking about her future. There were times when that day felt more distant than any other event in her life; yet she could always relive it down to the tiniest detail.
She made a gesture of refusal. “No: I drink too much tea. I would rather sit quiet—I must go in a moment,” she added confusedly.
She shook her head. “No, I drink too much tea. I’d rather sit quietly—I have to go in a moment,” she added, a bit flustered.
Selden continued to stand near her, leaning against the mantelpiece. The tinge of constraint was beginning to be more distinctly perceptible under the friendly ease of his manner. Her self-absorption had not allowed her to perceive it at first; but now that her consciousness was once more putting forth its eager feelers, she saw that her presence was becoming an embarrassment to him. Such a situation can be saved only by an immediate outrush of feeling; and on Selden’s side the determining impulse was still lacking.
Selden stayed close to her, leaning against the mantel. The hint of tension was starting to show more clearly beneath his friendly demeanor. Her own preoccupation had kept her from noticing it at first; but now that she was becoming more aware again, she realized that her presence was beginning to make him uncomfortable. Such a situation can only be resolved by a sudden outpouring of emotion; and on Selden’s part, the driving impulse was still missing.
The discovery did not disturb Lily as it might once have done. She had passed beyond the phase of well-bred reciprocity, in which every demonstration must be scrupulously proportioned to the emotion it elicits, and generosity of feeling is the only ostentation condemned. But the sense of loneliness returned with redoubled force as she saw herself forever shut out from Selden’s inmost self. She had come to him with no definite purpose; the mere longing to see him had directed her; but the secret hope she had carried with her suddenly revealed itself in its death-pang.
The discovery didn’t faze Lily as it might have in the past. She had moved beyond the stage of polite reciprocity, where every action had to be perfectly matched to the feelings it stirred, and where only the display of generous emotions was frowned upon. But the feeling of loneliness hit her harder as she realized she was forever excluded from Selden’s deepest self. She had approached him without a specific goal; it was simply her desire to see him that guided her. However, the hidden hope she had brought with her suddenly surfaced with a sense of finality.
“I must go,” she repeated, making a motion to rise from her chair. “But I may not see you again for a long time, and I wanted to tell you that I have never forgotten the things you said to me at Bellomont, and that sometimes—sometimes when I seemed farthest from remembering them—they have helped me, and kept me from mistakes; kept me from really becoming what many people have thought me.”
“I need to go,” she said again, starting to stand up from her chair. “But I might not see you for a while, and I wanted to let you know that I’ve never forgotten what you told me at Bellomont, and that sometimes—sometimes when I felt the furthest from remembering them—they’ve helped me, and kept me from making mistakes; kept me from really becoming what a lot of people have thought I was.”
Strive as she would to put some order in her thoughts, the words would not come more clearly; yet she felt that she could not leave him without trying to make him understand that she had saved herself whole from the seeming ruin of her life.
No matter how hard she tried to organize her thoughts, the words just wouldn’t come out clearly; still, she felt she couldn’t leave him without at least trying to make him understand that she had managed to save herself completely from what had seemed like the ruin of her life.
A change had come over Selden’s face as she spoke. Its guarded look had yielded to an expression still untinged by personal emotion, but full of a gentle understanding.
A change had come over Selden’s face as she spoke. Its guarded look had given way to an expression still untouched by personal emotion, but full of a gentle understanding.
“I am glad to have you tell me that; but nothing I have said has really made the difference. The difference is in yourself—it will always be there. And since it IS there, it can’t really matter to you what people think: you are so sure that your friends will always understand you.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that; but nothing I’ve said has really changed anything. The change is within you—it’s always been there. And since it IS there, it shouldn’t really matter what others think: you’re confident that your friends will always get you.”
“Ah, don’t say that—don’t say that what you have told me has made no difference. It seems to shut me out—to leave me all alone with the other people.” She had risen and stood before him, once more completely mastered by the inner urgency of the moment. The consciousness of his half-divined reluctance had vanished. Whether he wished it or not, he must see her wholly for once before they parted.
“Ah, don’t say that—don’t say that what you’ve told me hasn’t made any difference. It feels like you’re shutting me out—leaving me all alone with everyone else.” She had gotten up and stood in front of him, once again fully overwhelmed by the urgency of the moment. The awareness of his unspoken hesitation had disappeared. Whether he wanted to or not, he had to see her completely for once before they parted.
Her voice had gathered strength, and she looked him gravely in the eyes as she continued. “Once—twice—you gave me the chance to escape from my life, and I refused it: refused it because I was a coward. Afterward I saw my mistake—I saw I could never be happy with what had contented me before. But it was too late: you had judged me—I understood. It was too late for happiness—but not too late to be helped by the thought of what I had missed. That is all I have lived on—don’t take it from me now! Even in my worst moments it has been like a little light in the darkness. Some women are strong enough to be good by themselves, but I needed the help of your belief in me. Perhaps I might have resisted a great temptation, but the little ones would have pulled me down. And then I remembered—I remembered your saying that such a life could never satisfy me; and I was ashamed to admit to myself that it could. That is what you did for me—that is what I wanted to thank you for. I wanted to tell you that I have always remembered; and that I have tried—tried hard....”
Her voice had grown stronger, and she looked him seriously in the eyes as she continued. “Once—twice—you gave me the chance to escape my life, and I turned it down: turned it down because I was scared. Afterward, I realized my mistake—I understood I could never be happy with what used to satisfy me. But it was too late: you had judged me—I got it. It was too late for happiness—but not too late to be comforted by the thought of what I had missed. That’s all I’ve lived on—don’t take it away from me now! Even in my darkest moments, it’s been like a little light in the blackness. Some women are strong enough to be good on their own, but I needed the support of your belief in me. Maybe I could have resisted a huge temptation, but the small ones would have brought me down. And then I remembered—I remembered you saying that such a life could never satisfy me; and I felt ashamed to admit to myself that it could. That’s what you did for me—that’s what I wanted to thank you for. I wanted to tell you that I have always remembered; and that I have tried—tried really hard....”
She broke off suddenly. Her tears had risen again, and in drawing out her handkerchief her fingers touched the packet in the folds of her dress. A wave of colour suffused her, and the words died on her lips. Then she lifted her eyes to his and went on in an altered voice.
She stopped abruptly. Tears filled her eyes once more, and as she pulled out her handkerchief, her fingers brushed against the packet tucked in the folds of her dress. A flush spread across her face, and the words faded away. Then she looked up at him and spoke in a different tone.
“I have tried hard—but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else. What can one do when one finds that one only fits into one hole? One must get back to it or be thrown out into the rubbish heap—and you don’t know what it’s like in the rubbish heap!”
“I've tried really hard—but life is tough, and I feel like a pretty useless person. I can barely say I have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the big machine I called life, and when I fell out of it, I found I was worthless anywhere else. What can you do when you realize you only fit into one spot? You have to get back to it or get thrown onto the trash heap—and you don’t want to know what it’s like in the trash heap!”
Her lips wavered into a smile—she had been distracted by the whimsical remembrance of the confidences she had made to him, two years earlier, in that very room. Then she had been planning to marry Percy Gryce—what was it she was planning now?
Her lips turned into a smile—she had been caught up in the playful memory of the secrets she had shared with him, two years ago, in that same room. Back then, she had been set on marrying Percy Gryce—what was she planning now?
The blood had risen strongly under Selden’s dark skin, but his emotion showed itself only in an added seriousness of manner.
The blood pulsed strongly beneath Selden’s dark skin, but his feelings only manifested in a greater seriousness of demeanor.
“You have something to tell me—do you mean to marry?” he said abruptly.
“You have something to tell me—are you planning to get married?” he asked suddenly.
Lily’s eyes did not falter, but a look of wonder, of puzzled self-interrogation, formed itself slowly in their depths. In the light of his question, she had paused to ask herself if her decision had really been taken when she entered the room.
Lily’s eyes didn’t waver, but a look of amazement, of confused self-reflection, gradually appeared in their depths. In response to his question, she had stopped to consider whether her decision had truly been made when she walked into the room.
“You always told me I should have to come to it sooner or later!” she said with a faint smile.
“You always said I would have to face it sooner or later!” she said with a slight smile.
“And you have come to it now?”
“And you've come to it now?”
“I shall have to come to it—presently. But there is something else I must come to first.” She paused again, trying to transmit to her voice the steadiness of her recovered smile. “There is some one I must say goodbye to. Oh, not YOU—we are sure to see each other again—but the Lily Bart you knew. I have kept her with me all this time, but now we are going to part, and I have brought her back to you—I am going to leave her here. When I go out presently she will not go with me. I shall like to think that she has stayed with you—and she’ll be no trouble, she’ll take up no room.”
“I'll have to deal with that—soon. But there's something else I need to address first.” She paused again, trying to keep her voice steady and her smile bright. “There’s someone I have to say goodbye to. Oh, not YOU—we'll definitely see each other again—but the Lily Bart you knew. I've carried her with me all this time, but now we’re going to part ways, and I’m bringing her back to you—I’m leaving her here. When I step out soon, she won’t be coming with me. I’d like to think she’s staying with you—and she won’t be any trouble, she won’t take up any space.”
She went toward him, and put out her hand, still smiling. “Will you let her stay with you?” she asked.
She walked over to him and extended her hand, still smiling. “Will you let her stay with you?” she asked.
He caught her hand, and she felt in his the vibration of feeling that had not yet risen to his lips. “Lily—can’t I help you?” he exclaimed.
He took her hand, and she sensed in his the strong emotion that hadn’t yet reached his words. “Lily—can’t I help you?” he said eagerly.
She looked at him gently. “Do you remember what you said to me once? That you could help me only by loving me? Well—you did love me for a moment; and it helped me. It has always helped me. But the moment is gone—it was I who let it go. And one must go on living. Goodbye.”
She looked at him softly. “Do you remember what you once told me? That the only way you could help me was by loving me? Well—you loved me for a moment; and it helped me. It has always helped me. But that moment is gone—it was me who let it slip away. And I have to keep living. Goodbye.”
She laid her other hand on his, and they looked at each other with a kind of solemnity, as though they stood in the presence of death. Something in truth lay dead between them—the love she had killed in him and could no longer call to life. But something lived between them also, and leaped up in her like an imperishable flame: it was the love his love had kindled, the passion of her soul for his.
She placed her other hand on his, and they gazed at each other with a sort of seriousness, as if they were facing death. In reality, something was dead between them—the love she had extinguished in him and could no longer revive. But something also thrived between them, rising up in her like an unquenchable flame: it was the love that his love had sparked, the passion of her soul for his.
In its light everything else dwindled and fell away from her. She understood now that she could not go forth and leave her old self with him: that self must indeed live on in his presence, but it must still continue to be hers.
In its light, everything else faded away from her. She realized now that she couldn’t move on and leave her old self behind with him: that self must truly live on in his presence, but it still had to remain hers.
Selden had retained her hand, and continued to scrutinize her with a strange sense of foreboding. The external aspect of the situation had vanished for him as completely as for her: he felt it only as one of those rare moments which lift the veil from their faces as they pass.
Selden held her hand and kept watching her with an odd feeling of dread. The outer details of the situation had disappeared for him just like they had for her: he experienced it as one of those rare moments that temporarily reveal the truth behind their expressions as they go by.
“Lily,” he said in a low voice, “you mustn’t speak in this way. I can’t let you go without knowing what you mean to do. Things may change—but they don’t pass. You can never go out of my life.”
“Lily,” he said quietly, “you can’t talk like this. I can’t let you leave without knowing what you plan to do. Things might change—but they don’t disappear. You can never really leave my life.”
She met his eyes with an illumined look. “No,” she said. “I see that now. Let us always be friends. Then I shall feel safe, whatever happens.”
She looked into his eyes with a bright expression. “No,” she said. “I understand that now. Let’s always be friends. That way, I’ll feel safe, no matter what happens.”
“Whatever happens? What do you mean? What is going to happen?”
“Whatever happens? What do you mean? What’s going to happen?”
She turned away quietly and walked toward the hearth.
She quietly turned away and walked toward the fireplace.
“Nothing at present—except that I am very cold, and that before I go you must make up the fire for me.”
“Nothing for now—just that I’m really cold, and before I leave, you need to make the fire for me.”
She knelt on the hearth-rug, stretching her hands to the embers. Puzzled by the sudden change in her tone, he mechanically gathered a handful of wood from the basket and tossed it on the fire. As he did so, he noticed how thin her hands looked against the rising light of the flames. He saw too, under the loose lines of her dress, how the curves of her figure had shrunk to angularity; he remembered long afterward how the red play of the flame sharpened the depression of her nostrils, and intensified the blackness of the shadows which struck up from her cheekbones to her eyes. She knelt there for a few moments in silence; a silence which he dared not break. When she rose he fancied that he saw her draw something from her dress and drop it into the fire; but he hardly noticed the gesture at the time. His faculties seemed tranced, and he was still groping for the word to break the spell. She went up to him and laid her hands on his shoulders. “Goodbye,” she said, and as he bent over her she touched his forehead with her lips.
She knelt on the hearth rug, reaching her hands toward the embers. Confused by the sudden shift in her tone, he automatically grabbed a handful of wood from the basket and tossed it onto the fire. As he did this, he noticed how thin her hands looked against the flickering flames. He also saw, beneath the loose lines of her dress, how the curves of her figure had become sharp; he would later remember how the red glow of the flames emphasized the hollowness of her nostrils and deepened the shadows that ran from her cheekbones to her eyes. She stayed there in silence for a moment, a silence he didn’t dare to interrupt. When she stood up, he thought he saw her take something from her dress and drop it into the fire, but he hardly registered the action at the time. His mind felt dazed, and he was still trying to find the words to break the spell. She approached him and placed her hands on his shoulders. “Goodbye,” she said, and as he leaned down, she brushed her lips against his forehead.
Chapter 13
The street-lamps were lit, but the rain had ceased, and there was a momentary revival of light in the upper sky. Lily walked on unconscious of her surroundings. She was still treading the buoyant ether which emanates from the high moments of life. But gradually it shrank away from her and she felt the dull pavement beneath her feet. The sense of weariness returned with accumulated force, and for a moment she felt that she could walk no farther. She had reached the corner of Forty-first Street and Fifth Avenue, and she remembered that in Bryant Park there were seats where she might rest.
The streetlights were on, but the rain had stopped, and there was a brief return of light in the upper sky. Lily walked on, unaware of her surroundings. She was still riding the high that comes from life's best moments. But slowly, that feeling faded, and she became aware of the hard pavement beneath her feet. A wave of exhaustion hit her, and for a moment, she thought she couldn’t walk any further. She had reached the corner of Forty-first Street and Fifth Avenue, and she remembered that there were benches in Bryant Park where she could rest.
That melancholy pleasure-ground was almost deserted when she entered it, and she sank down on an empty bench in the glare of an electric street-lamp. The warmth of the fire had passed out of her veins, and she told herself that she must not sit long in the penetrating dampness which struck up from the wet asphalt. But her will-power seemed to have spent itself in a last great effort, and she was lost in the blank reaction which follows on an unwonted expenditure of energy. And besides, what was there to go home to? Nothing but the silence of her cheerless room—that silence of the night which may be more racking to tired nerves than the most discordant noises: that, and the bottle of chloral by her bed. The thought of the chloral was the only spot of light in the dark prospect: she could feel its lulling influence stealing over her already. But she was troubled by the thought that it was losing its power—she dared not go back to it too soon. Of late the sleep it had brought her had been more broken and less profound; there had been nights when she was perpetually floating up through it to consciousness. What if the effect of the drug should gradually fail, as all narcotics were said to fail? She remembered the chemist’s warning against increasing the dose; and she had heard before of the capricious and incalculable action of the drug. Her dread of returning to a sleepless night was so great that she lingered on, hoping that excessive weariness would reinforce the waning power of the chloral.
That sad pleasure park was almost empty when she arrived, and she sat down on an empty bench under the bright light of an electric streetlamp. The warmth from the fire had drained from her body, and she told herself she shouldn’t sit long in the chilly damp coming up from the wet pavement. But her determination seemed to have run out after one last big effort, and she was absorbed in the numbness that follows an unusual expenditure of energy. Plus, what was there to go home to? Only the silence of her dreary room—that nighttime stillness which could be more agonizing to tired nerves than the loudest noises: that, and the bottle of chloral by her bed. The thought of the chloral was the only glimmer of hope in the bleak situation: she could already feel its soothing effect starting to wash over her. But she worried that it was losing its effectiveness—she didn’t want to go back to it too soon. Recently, the sleep it provided had been more restless and less deep; there were nights when she was constantly drifting back to full awareness. What if the drug's effect gradually faded, as all narcotics were said to do? She remembered the chemist’s warning about increasing the dosage; she’d heard about the unpredictable and unreliable nature of the drug before. Her fear of facing a sleepless night was so strong that she stayed a little longer, hoping her extreme fatigue would bolster the decreasing power of the chloral.
Night had now closed in, and the roar of traffic in Forty-second Street was dying out. As complete darkness fell on the square the lingering occupants of the benches rose and dispersed; but now and then a stray figure, hurrying homeward, struck across the path where Lily sat, looming black for a moment in the white circle of electric light. One or two of these passers-by slackened their pace to glance curiously at her lonely figure; but she was hardly conscious of their scrutiny.
Night had now settled in, and the noise of traffic on Forty-second Street was fading away. As complete darkness enveloped the square, the few remaining people on the benches got up and left; occasionally, a hurried figure heading home would cross the area where Lily sat, momentarily appearing as a dark silhouette in the bright circle of electric light. One or two of these passersby slowed down to glance curiously at her solitary presence, but she barely noticed their attention.
Suddenly, however, she became aware that one of the passing shadows remained stationary between her line of vision and the gleaming asphalt; and raising her eyes she saw a young woman bending over her.
Suddenly, she noticed that one of the shadows passing by had stopped between her view and the shiny pavement; when she looked up, she saw a young woman leaning over her.
“Excuse me—are you sick?—Why, it’s Miss Bart!” a half-familiar voice exclaimed.
“Excuse me—are you okay?—Oh, it’s Miss Bart!” a somewhat familiar voice exclaimed.
Lily looked up. The speaker was a poorly-dressed young woman with a bundle under her arm. Her face had the air of unwholesome refinement which ill-health and over-work may produce, but its common prettiness was redeemed by the strong and generous curve of the lips.
Lily looked up. The speaker was a young woman in ragged clothes, carrying a bundle under her arm. Her face showed signs of unhealthy sophistication that could come from illness and exhaustion, but her ordinary beauty was saved by the strong and kind curve of her lips.
“You don’t remember me,” she continued, brightening with the pleasure of recognition, “but I’d know you anywhere, I’ve thought of you such a lot. I guess my folks all know your name by heart. I was one of the girls at Miss Farish’s club—you helped me to go to the country that time I had lung-trouble. My name’s Nettie Struther. It was Nettie Crane then—but I daresay you don’t remember that either.”
“You don’t remember me,” she said, smiling with the joy of recognition, “but I’d recognize you anywhere. I’ve thought about you a lot. I’m sure my family knows your name by heart. I was one of the girls at Miss Farish’s club—you helped me go to the country that time I had lung trouble. My name’s Nettie Struther. It was Nettie Crane back then—but I bet you don’t remember that either.”
Yes: Lily was beginning to remember. The episode of Nettie Crane’s timely rescue from disease had been one of the most satisfying incidents of her connection with Gerty’s charitable work. She had furnished the girl with the means to go to a sanatorium in the mountains: it struck her now with a peculiar irony that the money she had used had been Gus Trenor’s.
Yes: Lily was starting to remember. Nettie Crane’s timely rescue from illness had been one of the most satisfying moments in her involvement with Gerty’s charitable efforts. She had provided the girl with the funds to go to a sanatorium in the mountains; it struck her now with a peculiar irony that the money she had used had come from Gus Trenor.
She tried to reply, to assure the speaker that she had not forgotten; but her voice failed in the effort, and she felt herself sinking under a great wave of physical weakness. Nettie Struther, with a startled exclamation, sat down and slipped a shabbily-clad arm behind her back.
She tried to respond, to assure the speaker that she hadn’t forgotten; but her voice failed her, and she felt herself overwhelmed by a wave of physical weakness. Nettie Struther, with a surprised exclamation, sat down and slipped a poorly dressed arm around her back.
“Why, Miss Bart, you ARE sick. Just lean on me a little till you feel better.”
“Why, Miss Bart, you ARE sick. Just lean on me for a bit until you feel better.”
A faint glow of returning strength seemed to pass into Lily from the pressure of the supporting arm.
A subtle wave of renewed strength appeared to flow into Lily from the support of the arm around her.
“I’m only tired—it is nothing,” she found voice to say in a moment; and then, as she met the timid appeal of her companion’s eyes, she added involuntarily: “I have been unhappy—in great trouble.”
“I’m just tired—it’s nothing,” she managed to say after a moment; and then, as she met the hesitant look in her companion’s eyes, she added without thinking: “I have been unhappy—going through a lot.”
“YOU in trouble? I’ve always thought of you as being so high up, where everything was just grand. Sometimes, when I felt real mean, and got to wondering why things were so queerly fixed in the world, I used to remember that you were having a lovely time, anyhow, and that seemed to show there was a kind of justice somewhere. But you mustn’t sit here too long—it’s fearfully damp. Don’t you feel strong enough to walk on a little ways now?” she broke off.
“Are you in trouble? I’ve always seen you as being so far above it all, where everything was just great. Sometimes, when I felt really bitter and started wondering why everything was so messed up in the world, I’d remember that you were having a wonderful time, anyway, and that made it seem like there was some sort of justice out there. But you shouldn’t stay here too long—it’s really damp. Don’t you feel strong enough to walk a little ways now?” she paused.
“Yes—yes; I must go home,” Lily murmured, rising.
“Yes—yes; I need to go home,” Lily whispered, getting up.
Her eyes rested wonderingly on the thin shabby figure at her side. She had known Nettie Crane as one of the discouraged victims of over-work and anaemic parentage: one of the superfluous fragments of life destined to be swept prematurely into that social refuse-heap of which Lily had so lately expressed her dread. But Nettie Struther’s frail envelope was now alive with hope and energy: whatever fate the future reserved for her, she would not be cast into the refuse-heap without a struggle.
Her eyes looked wonderingly at the thin, shabby figure beside her. She had known Nettie Crane as one of the discouraged victims of overwork and weak parents: one of the unnecessary remnants of life destined to be thrown away too soon into that social rubbish heap that Lily had recently expressed her fear of. But Nettie Struther’s frail body was now filled with hope and energy: whatever fate awaited her in the future, she wouldn't end up in the rubbish heap without putting up a fight.
“I am very glad to have seen you,” Lily continued, summoning a smile to her unsteady lips. “It’ll be my turn to think of you as happy—and the world will seem a less unjust place to me too.”
“I’m really happy to have seen you,” Lily continued, forcing a smile onto her trembling lips. “Now it’ll be my turn to think of you as happy—and the world will feel a bit less unfair to me, too.”
“Oh, but I can’t leave you like this—you’re not fit to go home alone. And I can’t go with you either!” Nettie Struther wailed with a start of recollection. “You see, it’s my husband’s night-shift—he’s a motor-man—and the friend I leave the baby with has to step upstairs to get HER husband’s supper at seven. I didn’t tell you I had a baby, did I? She’ll be four months old day after tomorrow, and to look at her you wouldn’t think I’d ever had a sick day. I’d give anything to show you the baby, Miss Bart, and we live right down the street here—it’s only three blocks off.” She lifted her eyes tentatively to Lily’s face, and then added with a burst of courage: “Why won’t you get right into the cars and come home with me while I get baby’s supper? It’s real warm in our kitchen, and you can rest there, and I’ll take YOU home as soon as ever she drops off to sleep.”
“Oh, but I can’t leave you like this—you’re not okay to go home alone. And I can’t go with you either!” Nettie Struther exclaimed as she suddenly remembered. “You see, it’s my husband’s night shift—he’s a train operator—and the friend I leave the baby with has to go upstairs to get HER husband’s dinner at seven. I didn’t mention I have a baby, did I? She’ll be four months old the day after tomorrow, and you wouldn’t think I’d ever been sick if you saw her. I’d do anything to show you the baby, Miss Bart, and we live just down the street here—it’s only three blocks away.” She looked hesitantly at Lily’s face, then added with newfound confidence: “Why don’t you hop into the car with me and come home while I prepare the baby’s dinner? It’s really warm in our kitchen, and you can rest there, and I’ll take YOU home as soon as she falls asleep.”
It WAS warm in the kitchen, which, when Nettie Struther’s match had made a flame leap from the gas-jet above the table, revealed itself to Lily as extraordinarily small and almost miraculously clean. A fire shone through the polished flanks of the iron stove, and near it stood a crib in which a baby was sitting upright, with incipient anxiety struggling for expression on a countenance still placid with sleep.
It was warm in the kitchen, which, when Nettie Struther’s match struck the gas-jet above the table, appeared to Lily as surprisingly small and almost magically clean. A fire glowed from the shiny sides of the iron stove, and next to it was a crib where a baby was sitting up, showing early signs of worry on a face that was still peaceful from sleep.
Having passionately celebrated her reunion with her offspring, and excused herself in cryptic language for the lateness of her return, Nettie restored the baby to the crib and shyly invited Miss Bart to the rocking-chair near the stove.
Having joyfully celebrated her reunion with her child, and having used vague language to explain her late return, Nettie placed the baby back in the crib and shyly invited Miss Bart to the rocking chair by the stove.
“We’ve got a parlour too,” she explained with pardonable pride; “but I guess it’s warmer in here, and I don’t want to leave you alone while I’m getting baby’s supper.”
“We’ve got a living room too,” she said with justifiable pride; “but I think it’s warmer in here, and I don’t want to leave you alone while I make the baby’s dinner.”
On receiving Lily’s assurance that she much preferred the friendly proximity of the kitchen fire, Mrs. Struther proceeded to prepare a bottle of infantile food, which she tenderly applied to the baby’s impatient lips; and while the ensuing degustation went on, she seated herself with a beaming countenance beside her visitor.
On getting Lily’s reassurance that she really preferred being close to the warm kitchen fire, Mrs. Struther went ahead and prepared a bottle of baby food, which she gently brought to the baby’s eager lips; and while the baby enjoyed the meal, she sat down with a bright smile next to her guest.
“You’re sure you won’t let me warm up a drop of coffee for you, Miss Bart? There’s some of baby’s fresh milk left over—well, maybe you’d rather just sit quiet and rest a little while. It’s too lovely having you here. I’ve thought of it so often that I can’t believe it’s really come true. I’ve said to George again and again: ‘I just wish Miss Bart could see me NOW—’ and I used to watch for your name in the papers, and we’d talk over what you were doing, and read the descriptions of the dresses you wore. I haven’t seen your name for a long time, though, and I began to be afraid you were sick, and it worried me so that George said I’d get sick myself, fretting about it.” Her lips broke into a reminiscent smile. “Well, I can’t afford to be sick again, that’s a fact: the last spell nearly finished me. When you sent me off that time I never thought I’d come back alive, and I didn’t much care if I did. You see I didn’t know about George and the baby then.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to warm up some coffee for you, Miss Bart? There’s some fresh milk left over—well, maybe you’d rather just sit quietly and rest for a bit. It’s so nice having you here. I’ve thought about it so often that I can’t believe it’s really happening. I’ve told George again and again, ‘I just wish Miss Bart could see me NOW—’ and I used to look for your name in the papers. We’d talk about what you were doing and read the descriptions of the dresses you wore. I haven’t seen your name in a while, though, and I started to worry you might be sick, which made me anxious enough that George said I might get sick myself from worrying about it.” Her lips broke into a nostalgic smile. “Well, I really can’t afford to be sick again, that’s for sure: the last time nearly did me in. When you sent me off that time, I honestly didn’t think I’d come back alive, and I didn’t care much if I did. You see, I didn’t know about George and the baby back then.”
She paused to readjust the bottle to the child’s bubbling mouth.
She paused to reposition the bottle to the child's eager mouth.
“You precious—don’t you be in too much of a hurry! Was it mad with mommer for getting its supper so late? Marry Anto’nette—that’s what we call her: after the French queen in that play at the Garden—I told George the actress reminded me of you, and that made me fancy the name.... I never thought I’d get married, you know, and I’d never have had the heart to go on working just for myself.”
“You sweetheart—don't rush so much! Were you upset with mom for giving you dinner so late? Mary Antoinette—that's what we call her, after the French queen in that play at the Garden—I told George the actress reminded me of you, and that made me like the name.... I never thought I’d get married, you know, and I’d never have had the heart to keep working just for myself.”
She broke off again, and meeting the encouragement in Lily’s eyes, went on, with a flush rising under her anaemic skin: “You see I wasn’t only just SICK that time you sent me off—I was dreadfully unhappy too. I’d known a gentleman where I was employed—I don’t know as you remember I did type-writing in a big importing firm—and—well—I thought we were to be married: he’d gone steady with me six months and given me his mother’s wedding ring. But I presume he was too stylish for me—he travelled for the firm, and had seen a great deal of society. Work girls aren’t looked after the way you are, and they don’t always know how to look after themselves. I didn’t . . . and it pretty near killed me when he went away and left off writing....
She paused again, and seeing the encouragement in Lily’s eyes, continued, with a blush spreading across her pale skin: “You see, I wasn’t just SICK that time you sent me away—I was really unhappy too. I had known a guy while I was working—I don’t know if you remember that I did typing at a big importing company—and—well—I thought we were going to get married: he had been serious with me for six months and gave me his mother’s wedding ring. But I guess he was too polished for me—he traveled for the company and had experienced a lot of social life. Girls like me don’t get taken care of like you do, and we don’t always know how to take care of ourselves. I didn’t... and it almost killed me when he left and stopped writing....
“It was then I came down sick—I thought it was the end of everything. I guess it would have been if you hadn’t sent me off. But when I found I was getting well I began to take heart in spite of myself. And then, when I got back home, George came round and asked me to marry him. At first I thought I couldn’t, because we’d been brought up together, and I knew he knew about me. But after a while I began to see that that made it easier. I never could have told another man, and I’d never have married without telling; but if George cared for me enough to have me as I was, I didn’t see why I shouldn’t begin over again—and I did.”
“It was then that I got really sick—I thought it was the end of everything. I suppose it would have been if you hadn’t sent me away. But when I realized I was getting better, I started to feel hopeful despite myself. And then, when I got back home, George came over and asked me to marry him. At first, I thought I couldn't, because we had grown up together, and I knew he was aware of my past. But after a while, I began to see that it actually made things easier. I could never have confided in another man, and I wouldn’t have married without being honest; but if George cared enough to accept me as I was, I didn’t see why I shouldn’t start fresh—and I did.”
The strength of the victory shone forth from her as she lifted her irradiated face from the child on her knees. “But, mercy, I didn’t mean to go on like this about myself, with you sitting there looking so fagged out. Only it’s so lovely having you here, and letting you see just how you’ve helped me.” The baby had sunk back blissfully replete, and Mrs. Struther softly rose to lay the bottle aside. Then she paused before Miss Bart.
The strength of her victory radiated from her as she lifted her glowing face from the child on her lap. “But honestly, I didn’t mean to go on like this about myself while you’re sitting there looking so exhausted. It’s just so wonderful to have you here and to show you how much you’ve helped me.” The baby had contentedly fallen back, and Mrs. Struther gently got up to put the bottle away. Then she paused before Miss Bart.
“I only wish I could help YOU—but I suppose there’s nothing on earth I could do,” she murmured wistfully.
“I just wish I could help YOU—but I guess there’s nothing I can do,” she said with a hint of sadness.
Lily, instead of answering, rose with a smile and held out her arms; and the mother, understanding the gesture, laid her child in them.
Lily smiled instead of answering and opened her arms wide; the mother, getting the hint, placed her child in them.
The baby, feeling herself detached from her habitual anchorage, made an instinctive motion of resistance; but the soothing influences of digestion prevailed, and Lily felt the soft weight sink trustfully against her breast. The child’s confidence in its safety thrilled her with a sense of warmth and returning life, and she bent over, wondering at the rosy blur of the little face, the empty clearness of the eyes, the vague tendrilly motions of the folding and unfolding fingers. At first the burden in her arms seemed as light as a pink cloud or a heap of down, but as she continued to hold it the weight increased, sinking deeper, and penetrating her with a strange sense of weakness, as though the child entered into her and became a part of herself.
The baby, realizing she was separated from her usual safe spot, instinctively resisted for a moment; but the calming effects of digestion took over, and Lily felt the soft weight settle trustingly against her chest. The child’s trust in her safety filled her with warmth and a sense of renewed life, and she leaned over, intrigued by the rosy blur of the baby’s face, the clear emptiness of the eyes, and the gentle, wavy movements of the tiny fingers. At first, holding her felt as light as a pink cloud or a pile of feathers, but as she kept holding her, the weight grew heavier, sinking deeper and filling her with a strange sense of weakness, as if the child was becoming a part of her.
She looked up, and saw Nettie’s eyes resting on her with tenderness and exultation.
She looked up and saw Nettie's eyes focused on her with warmth and joy.
“Wouldn’t it be too lovely for anything if she could grow up to be just like you? Of course I know she never COULD—but mothers are always dreaming the craziest things for their children.”
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she could grow up to be just like you? Of course, I know she never COULD—but moms always dream the wildest things for their kids.”
Lily clasped the child close for a moment and laid her back in her mother’s arms.
Lily held the child close for a moment and then laid her back in her mother’s arms.
“Oh, she must not do that—I should be afraid to come and see her too often!” she said with a smile; and then, resisting Mrs. Struther’s anxious offer of companionship, and reiterating the promise that of course she would come back soon, and make George’s acquaintance, and see the baby in her bath, she passed out of the kitchen and went alone down the tenement stairs.
“Oh, she shouldn’t do that—I’d be worried about visiting her too often!” she said with a smile; and then, rejecting Mrs. Struther’s eager offer to keep her company, and repeating her promise that she would definitely come back soon to meet George and see the baby in her bath, she left the kitchen and went down the tenement stairs by herself.
As she reached the street she realized that she felt stronger and happier: the little episode had done her good. It was the first time she had ever come across the results of her spasmodic benevolence, and the surprised sense of human fellowship took the mortal chill from her heart.
As she stepped onto the street, she realized that she felt stronger and happier; the little experience had done her good. It was the first time she had ever seen the impact of her occasional kindness, and the unexpected feeling of human connection warmed her heart.
It was not till she entered her own door that she felt the reaction of a deeper loneliness. It was long after seven o’clock, and the light and odours proceeding from the basement made it manifest that the boarding-house dinner had begun. She hastened up to her room, lit the gas, and began to dress. She did not mean to pamper herself any longer, to go without food because her surroundings made it unpalatable. Since it was her fate to live in a boarding-house, she must learn to fall in with the conditions of the life. Nevertheless she was glad that, when she descended to the heat and glare of the dining-room, the repast was nearly over.
It wasn't until she walked through her own door that she felt an even deeper sense of loneliness. It was well past seven o'clock, and the sounds and smells coming from the basement made it clear that dinner at the boarding house had started. She rushed up to her room, turned on the gas, and began getting dressed. She decided she wouldn't deny herself anymore, skipping meals just because her environment made eating unpleasant. Since she had to live in a boarding house, she had to adapt to the realities of that life. Still, she felt a sense of relief when she went down to the heat and brightness of the dining room and found that dinner was almost over.
In her own room again, she was seized with a sudden fever of activity. For weeks past she had been too listless and indifferent to set her possessions in order, but now she began to examine systematically the contents of her drawers and cupboard. She had a few handsome dresses left—survivals of her last phase of splendour, on the Sabrina and in London—but when she had been obliged to part with her maid she had given the woman a generous share of her cast-off apparel. The remaining dresses, though they had lost their freshness, still kept the long unerring lines, the sweep and amplitude of the great artist’s stroke, and as she spread them out on the bed the scenes in which they had been worn rose vividly before her. An association lurked in every fold: each fall of lace and gleam of embroidery was like a letter in the record of her past. She was startled to find how the atmosphere of her old life enveloped her. But, after all, it was the life she had been made for: every dawning tendency in her had been carefully directed toward it, all her interests and activities had been taught to centre around it. She was like some rare flower grown for exhibition, a flower from which every bud had been nipped except the crowning blossom of her beauty.
Back in her own room, she was suddenly filled with a burst of energy. For weeks, she had felt too apathetic and uncaring to organize her things, but now she started to methodically go through her drawers and closet. She had a few beautiful dresses left—remnants of her last period of luxury, on the Sabrina and in London—but when she had to let go of her maid, she had given the woman a generous amount of her discarded clothing. The remaining dresses, though they had lost their freshness, still held the elegant lines, the flow and grandeur of a true artist’s design, and as she laid them out on the bed, the memories of the occasions she wore them came back to her vividly. Each fold held a memory: every lace trim and bit of embroidery felt like a chapter in the story of her life. She was surprised by how much the essence of her past life surrounded her. But ultimately, it was the life she was meant for: every emerging desire in her had been carefully nurtured toward it, and all her interests and activities had been shaped to revolve around it. She was like a rare flower groomed for display, a flower from which every bud had been trimmed, except for the crowning bloom of her beauty.
Last of all, she drew forth from the bottom of her trunk a heap of white drapery which fell shapelessly across her arm. It was the Reynolds dress she had worn in the Bry TABLEAUX. It had been impossible for her to give it away, but she had never seen it since that night, and the long flexible folds, as she shook them out, gave forth an odour of violets which came to her like a breath from the flower-edged fountain where she had stood with Lawrence Selden and disowned her fate. She put back the dresses one by one, laying away with each some gleam of light, some note of laughter, some stray waft from the rosy shores of pleasure. She was still in a state of highly-wrought impressionability, and every hint of the past sent a lingering tremor along her nerves.
Last of all, she pulled out from the bottom of her trunk a pile of white fabric that fell loosely across her arm. It was the Reynolds dress she wore at the Bry TABLEAUX. She had found it impossible to give it away, but she hadn't seen it since that night, and as she shook out the long, flowing folds, a scent of violets filled the air, reminding her of the flower-edged fountain where she had stood with Lawrence Selden and rejected her fate. She put the dresses back one by one, setting aside with each some sparkle of light, some hint of laughter, some fleeting breeze from the joyful shores of pleasure. She was still in a state of heightened sensitivity, and every reminder of the past sent a lingering shiver through her.
She had just closed her trunk on the white folds of the Reynolds dress when she heard a tap at her door, and the red fist of the Irish maid-servant thrust in a belated letter. Carrying it to the light, Lily read with surprise the address stamped on the upper corner of the envelope. It was a business communication from the office of her aunt’s executors, and she wondered what unexpected development had caused them to break silence before the appointed time. She opened the envelope and a cheque fluttered to the floor. As she stooped to pick it up the blood rushed to her face. The cheque represented the full amount of Mrs. Peniston’s legacy, and the letter accompanying it explained that the executors, having adjusted the business of the estate with less delay than they had expected, had decided to anticipate the date fixed for the payment of the bequests.
She had just closed her trunk on the white folds of the Reynolds dress when she heard a knock at her door, and the red fist of the Irish maid-servant pushed in a late letter. Bringing it to the light, Lily read with surprise the address stamped in the corner of the envelope. It was a business communication from her aunt’s executors, and she wondered what unexpected development had caused them to break their silence before the scheduled time. She opened the envelope, and a check fluttered to the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, her face flushed. The check was for the full amount of Mrs. Peniston’s inheritance, and the letter that came with it explained that the executors, having settled the estate's affairs more quickly than expected, had decided to advance the date for the payment of the bequests.
Lily sat down beside the desk at the foot of her bed, and spreading out the cheque, read over and over the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS written across it in a steely business hand. Ten months earlier the amount it stood for had represented the depths of penury; but her standard of values had changed in the interval, and now visions of wealth lurked in every flourish of the pen. As she continued to gaze at it, she felt the glitter of the visions mounting to her brain, and after a while she lifted the lid of the desk and slipped the magic formula out of sight. It was easier to think without those five figures dancing before her eyes; and she had a great deal of thinking to do before she slept.
Lily sat down next to the desk at the foot of her bed and, spreading out the check, read over and over the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS written on it in a precise business hand. Ten months earlier, that amount had represented the depths of poverty; but her values had shifted since then, and now dreams of wealth danced in every flourish of the pen. As she kept staring at it, she felt the allure of those dreams rising to her head, and after a while, she lifted the desk lid and tucked that magical number away. It was easier to think without those five figures swirling in front of her; she had a lot of thinking to do before she slept.
She opened her cheque-book, and plunged into such anxious calculations as had prolonged her vigil at Bellomont on the night when she had decided to marry Percy Gryce. Poverty simplifies book-keeping, and her financial situation was easier to ascertain than it had been then; but she had not yet learned the control of money, and during her transient phase of luxury at the Emporium she had slipped back into habits of extravagance which still impaired her slender balance. A careful examination of her cheque-book, and of the unpaid bills in her desk, showed that, when the latter had been settled, she would have barely enough to live on for the next three or four months; and even after that, if she were to continue her present way of living, without earning any additional money, all incidental expenses must be reduced to the vanishing point. She hid her eyes with a shudder, beholding herself at the entrance of that ever-narrowing perspective down which she had seen Miss Silverton’s dowdy figure take its despondent way.
She opened her checkbook and dove into the kind of anxious calculations that had kept her awake at Bellomont the night she decided to marry Percy Gryce. Being broke makes budgeting easier, and her financial situation was clearer than before; however, she still hadn’t learned how to manage money well, and during her brief period of luxury at the Emporium, she'd fallen back into habits of overspending that continued to strain her limited funds. A careful look at her checkbook and the unpaid bills in her desk revealed that once those bills were paid, she would barely have enough to get by for the next three or four months. Even after that, if she wanted to maintain her current lifestyle without earning any extra money, all incidental expenses would have to be cut to the bone. She covered her eyes with a shudder, imagining herself at the start of that ever-narrowing path down which she'd watched Miss Silverton's dowdy figure head away in despair.
It was no longer, however, from the vision of material poverty that she turned with the greatest shrinking. She had a sense of deeper impoverishment—of an inner destitution compared to which outward conditions dwindled into insignificance. It was indeed miserable to be poor—to look forward to a shabby, anxious middle-age, leading by dreary degrees of economy and self-denial to gradual absorption in the dingy communal existence of the boarding-house. But there was something more miserable still—it was the clutch of solitude at her heart, the sense of being swept like a stray uprooted growth down the heedless current of the years. That was the feeling which possessed her now—the feeling of being something rootless and ephemeral, mere spin-drift of the whirling surface of existence, without anything to which the poor little tentacles of self could cling before the awful flood submerged them. And as she looked back she saw that there had never been a time when she had had any real relation to life. Her parents too had been rootless, blown hither and thither on every wind of fashion, without any personal existence to shelter them from its shifting gusts. She herself had grown up without any one spot of earth being dearer to her than another: there was no centre of early pieties, of grave endearing traditions, to which her heart could revert and from which it could draw strength for itself and tenderness for others. In whatever form a slowly-accumulated past lives in the blood—whether in the concrete image of the old house stored with visual memories, or in the conception of the house not built with hands, but made up of inherited passions and loyalties—it has the same power of broadening and deepening the individual existence, of attaching it by mysterious links of kinship to all the mighty sum of human striving.
It was no longer the sight of material poverty that made her shrink the most. She felt a deeper sense of emptiness—an inner lack that made her external situation seem trivial in comparison. It was certainly miserable to be poor—to anticipate a shabby, anxious middle age, slowly leading to a dreary life in a boarding house filled with economizing and self-denial. But there was something even worse—it was the grip of loneliness in her heart, the feeling of being swept away like a stray, uprooted plant by the mindless flow of time. That was the emotion that consumed her now—the feeling of being rootless and fleeting, merely a piece of debris on the chaotic surface of life, without anything solid for the fragile parts of her self to hang on to before the overwhelming tide carried them away. And as she reflected, she realized there had never been a time when she had any real connection to life. Her parents had also been rootless, blown about by every changing trend, lacking any personal foundation to protect them from its shifting winds. She herself had grown up without any one place feeling more special than another: there was no center of cherished memories or heartfelt traditions to which her heart could return and draw strength and warmth for herself and for others. In whatever way a slowly-gathered past exists in our blood—whether in the physical memory of an old house filled with sights and feelings, or in the idea of a home not built with hands, but made up of inherited passions and loyalties—it has the same ability to expand and enrich individual existence, connecting it through mysterious bonds of kinship to the vast totality of human effort.
Such a vision of the solidarity of life had never before come to Lily. She had had a premonition of it in the blind motions of her mating-instinct; but they had been checked by the disintegrating influences of the life about her. All the men and women she knew were like atoms whirling away from each other in some wild centrifugal dance: her first glimpse of the continuity of life had come to her that evening in Nettie Struther’s kitchen.
Such a vision of life's solidarity had never occurred to Lily before. She had sensed it in the instinctual urges of attraction, but those had been interrupted by the chaotic influences of her surroundings. All the men and women she knew seemed like atoms spinning away from each other in a wild, chaotic dance: her first real understanding of life's continuity had come to her that evening in Nettie Struther’s kitchen.
The poor little working-girl who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her life, and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to Lily to have reached the central truth of existence. It was a meagre enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious permanence of a bird’s nest built on the edge of a cliff—a mere wisp of leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may hang safely over the abyss.
The poor little working girl who had managed to piece her life back together and create a home for herself seemed to Lily to have discovered the core truth of existence. It was a pretty bare life, teetering on the brink of poverty, with little room for illness or bad luck, but it had the delicate yet bold permanence of a bird's nest on the edge of a cliff—a simple collection of leaves and straw, yet so carefully constructed that the lives depending on it could safely hover over the void.
Yes—but it had taken two to build the nest; the man’s faith as well as the woman’s courage. Lily remembered Nettie’s words: I KNEW HE KNEW ABOUT ME. Her husband’s faith in her had made her renewal possible—it is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be! Well—Selden had twice been ready to stake his faith on Lily Bart; but the third trial had been too severe for his endurance. The very quality of his love had made it the more impossible to recall to life. If it had been a simple instinct of the blood, the power of her beauty might have revived it. But the fact that it struck deeper, that it was inextricably wound up with inherited habits of thought and feeling, made it as impossible to restore to growth as a deep-rooted plant torn from its bed. Selden had given her of his best; but he was as incapable as herself of an uncritical return to former states of feeling.
Yes—but it took both of them to build the nest; the man's faith as well as the woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie’s words: I KNEW HE KNEW ABOUT ME. Her husband’s faith in her had made her transformation possible—it’s so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be! Well—Selden had been ready to place his faith in Lily Bart twice; but the third time had been too much for him to handle. The very nature of his love made it even harder to bring it back to life. If it had been a simple instinct, the power of her beauty might have revived it. But because it went deeper and was intertwined with inherited ways of thinking and feeling, it was as impossible to revive as a deep-rooted plant uprooted from its soil. Selden had given her his best; but he was just as unable as she was to return uncritically to former feelings.
There remained to her, as she had told him, the uplifting memory of his faith in her; but she had not reached the age when a woman can live on her memories. As she held Nettie Struther’s child in her arms the frozen currents of youth had loosed themselves and run warm in her veins: the old life-hunger possessed her, and all her being clamoured for its share of personal happiness. Yes—it was happiness she still wanted, and the glimpse she had caught of it made everything else of no account. One by one she had detached herself from the baser possibilities, and she saw that nothing now remained to her but the emptiness of renunciation.
She still held, as she had told him, the uplifting memory of his faith in her; but she hadn’t reached the age when a woman can live just on her memories. As she cradled Nettie Struther’s child in her arms, the frozen currents of her youth had broken free and flowed warm in her veins: the old longing for life took over her, and everything about her craved a piece of personal happiness. Yes—it was happiness she still desired, and the glimpse she had caught of it made everything else feel unimportant. One by one, she had distanced herself from the lesser possibilities, and she realized that all that was left for her was the emptiness of giving up.
It was growing late, and an immense weariness once more possessed her. It was not the stealing sense of sleep, but a vivid wakeful fatigue, a wan lucidity of mind against which all the possibilities of the future were shadowed forth gigantically. She was appalled by the intense cleanness of the vision; she seemed to have broken through the merciful veil which intervenes between intention and action, and to see exactly what she would do in all the long days to come. There was the cheque in her desk, for instance—she meant to use it in paying her debt to Trenor; but she foresaw that when the morning came she would put off doing so, would slip into gradual tolerance of the debt. The thought terrified her—she dreaded to fall from the height of her last moment with Lawrence Selden. But how could she trust herself to keep her footing? She knew the strength of the opposing impulses—she could feel the countless hands of habit dragging her back into some fresh compromise with fate. She felt an intense longing to prolong, to perpetuate, the momentary exaltation of her spirit. If only life could end now—end on this tragic yet sweet vision of lost possibilities, which gave her a sense of kinship with all the loving and foregoing in the world!
It was getting late, and she was once again overwhelmed by a deep exhaustion. It wasn’t the creeping feeling of sleepiness, but a sharp kind of tiredness, a stark clarity of thought that made all future possibilities loom large. She was struck by the piercing clarity of her vision; it felt like she had pierced through the protective barrier between intention and action, and could see exactly what she would do in the long days ahead. For instance, there was the check in her desk—she intended to use it to pay off her debt to Trenor; but she could already see that by morning, she would postpone that decision and gradually accept the debt. The idea frightened her—she feared losing the high from her last moment with Lawrence Selden. But how could she trust herself to stay strong? She understood the power of opposing urges—she could feel the numerous hands of habit pulling her back into some new compromise with fate. She felt a strong desire to extend, to keep alive, that fleeting uplift of her spirit. If only life could end now—end on this heartbreaking yet beautiful vision of lost opportunities, which connected her to all the love and sacrifice in the world!
She reached out suddenly and, drawing the cheque from her writing-desk, enclosed it in an envelope which she addressed to her bank. She then wrote out a cheque for Trenor, and placing it, without an accompanying word, in an envelope inscribed with his name, laid the two letters side by side on her desk. After that she continued to sit at the table, sorting her papers and writing, till the intense silence of the house reminded her of the lateness of the hour. In the street the noise of wheels had ceased, and the rumble of the “elevated” came only at long intervals through the deep unnatural hush. In the mysterious nocturnal separation from all outward signs of life, she felt herself more strangely confronted with her fate. The sensation made her brain reel, and she tried to shut out consciousness by pressing her hands against her eyes. But the terrible silence and emptiness seemed to symbolize her future—she felt as though the house, the street, the world were all empty, and she alone left sentient in a lifeless universe.
She suddenly reached out, pulled a check from her desk, and put it in an envelope addressed to her bank. Then she wrote a check for Trenor, placed it in an envelope with his name on it, and set the two letters side by side on her desk. After that, she continued sitting at the table, organizing her papers and writing, until the deep silence of the house made her aware of how late it was. Outside, the sound of wheels had stopped, and the rumble of the “elevated” train came only occasionally through the profound, unnatural quiet. In that mysterious night, separated from all signs of life, she felt strangely confronted with her fate. The sensation made her head spin, and she tried to block it out by pressing her hands against her eyes. But the awful silence and emptiness seemed to represent her future—she felt like the house, the street, the world were all vacant, and she was the only one left aware in a lifeless universe.
But this was the verge of delirium . . . she had never hung so near the dizzy brink of the unreal. Sleep was what she wanted—she remembered that she had not closed her eyes for two nights. The little bottle was at her bed-side, waiting to lay its spell upon her. She rose and undressed hastily, hungering now for the touch of her pillow. She felt so profoundly tired that she thought she must fall asleep at once; but as soon as she had lain down every nerve started once more into separate wakefulness. It was as though a great blaze of electric light had been turned on in her head, and her poor little anguished self shrank and cowered in it, without knowing where to take refuge.
But this was the edge of madness… she had never been so close to the dizzying brink of the unreal. Sleep was all she wanted—she recalled that she hadn’t closed her eyes for two nights. The little bottle was at her bedside, ready to work its magic on her. She got up and quickly undressed, now desperate for the feel of her pillow. She felt so deeply exhausted that she thought she would fall asleep immediately; but as soon as she lay down, every nerve sparked back into wakefulness. It was like a bright flood of electric light had been switched on in her head, and her poor, tormented self shrank and cowered in it, unsure of where to find refuge.
She had not imagined that such a multiplication of wakefulness was possible: her whole past was reenacting itself at a hundred different points of consciousness. Where was the drug that could still this legion of insurgent nerves? The sense of exhaustion would have been sweet compared to this shrill beat of activities; but weariness had dropped from her as though some cruel stimulant had been forced into her veins.
She never thought it was possible to feel so awake: her entire past was playing out in a hundred different ways in her mind. Where was the drug that could calm this swarm of restless nerves? Feeling tired would have been a relief compared to this overwhelming rush of thoughts; but exhaustion had slipped away from her as if some cruel stimulant had been injected into her veins.
She could bear it—yes, she could bear it; but what strength would be left her the next day? Perspective had disappeared—the next day pressed close upon her, and on its heels came the days that were to follow—they swarmed about her like a shrieking mob. She must shut them out for a few hours; she must take a brief bath of oblivion. She put out her hand, and measured the soothing drops into a glass; but as she did so, she knew they would be powerless against the supernatural lucidity of her brain. She had long since raised the dose to its highest limit, but tonight she felt she must increase it. She knew she took a slight risk in doing so—she remembered the chemist’s warning. If sleep came at all, it might be a sleep without waking. But after all that was but one chance in a hundred: the action of the drug was incalculable, and the addition of a few drops to the regular dose would probably do no more than procure for her the rest she so desperately needed....
She could handle it—yes, she could handle it; but how much strength would she have left the next day? Her sense of perspective had vanished—the next day loomed over her, and right behind it came the days that would follow—they crowded around her like a screaming mob. She needed to shut them out for a little while; she had to take a brief escape into oblivion. She reached for the bottle and measured out the calming drops into a glass; but as she did so, she knew they would be useless against the intense clarity of her mind. She had long since maxed out the dose, but tonight she felt she needed to increase it. She was aware she was taking a slight risk by doing this—she remembered the pharmacist’s warning. If sleep came at all, it might be a sleep she wouldn't wake from. But after all, that was just one chance in a hundred: the effect of the drug was unpredictable, and adding a few more drops to her usual dose would probably just give her the rest she so urgently needed....
She did not, in truth, consider the question very closely—the physical craving for sleep was her only sustained sensation. Her mind shrank from the glare of thought as instinctively as eyes contract in a blaze of light—darkness, darkness was what she must have at any cost. She raised herself in bed and swallowed the contents of the glass; then she blew out her candle and lay down.
She didn’t really think about the question much—the strong urge for sleep was her only lasting feeling. Her mind avoided the bright light of thought just like eyes squint in a bright light—she needed darkness, darkness at any cost. She sat up in bed and drank from the glass; then she blew out her candle and lay down.
She lay very still, waiting with a sensuous pleasure for the first effects of the soporific. She knew in advance what form they would take—the gradual cessation of the inner throb, the soft approach of passiveness, as though an invisible hand made magic passes over her in the darkness. The very slowness and hesitancy of the effect increased its fascination: it was delicious to lean over and look down into the dim abysses of unconsciousness. Tonight the drug seemed to work more slowly than usual: each passionate pulse had to be stilled in turn, and it was long before she felt them dropping into abeyance, like sentinels falling asleep at their posts. But gradually the sense of complete subjugation came over her, and she wondered languidly what had made her feel so uneasy and excited. She saw now that there was nothing to be excited about—she had returned to her normal view of life. Tomorrow would not be so difficult after all: she felt sure that she would have the strength to meet it. She did not quite remember what it was that she had been afraid to meet, but the uncertainty no longer troubled her. She had been unhappy, and now she was happy—she had felt herself alone, and now the sense of loneliness had vanished.
She lay very still, savoring the pleasure of waiting for the first effects of the sedative. She already knew what to expect— the gradual fading of her inner restlessness, the gentle arrival of passivity, as if an invisible hand was casting a spell over her in the dark. The very slowness and uncertainty of the effect made it even more intriguing: it was delightful to lean over and peer into the shadowy depths of unconsciousness. Tonight, the drug seemed to take longer than usual to take hold: each intense heartbeat had to be calmed one by one, and it took a while before she felt them settling down, like guards dozing off at their posts. But gradually, a sense of total surrender washed over her, and she lazily pondered what had made her feel so anxious and thrilled. She realized there was nothing to be anxious about—she had returned to her usual way of seeing things. Tomorrow wouldn't be so tough after all: she was confident she'd have the strength to face it. She couldn't quite recall what it was that had made her fearful, but the uncertainty no longer bothered her. She had been unhappy, and now she felt happy—she had felt alone, and now that sense of loneliness had disappeared.
She stirred once, and turned on her side, and as she did so, she suddenly understood why she did not feel herself alone. It was odd—but Nettie Struther’s child was lying on her arm: she felt the pressure of its little head against her shoulder. She did not know how it had come there, but she felt no great surprise at the fact, only a gentle penetrating thrill of warmth and pleasure. She settled herself into an easier position, hollowing her arm to pillow the round downy head, and holding her breath lest a sound should disturb the sleeping child.
She stirred once and turned onto her side, and as she did, she suddenly realized why she didn’t feel alone. It was strange—but Nettie Struther’s child was lying on her arm; she felt the weight of its little head against her shoulder. She didn’t know how it had gotten there, but she wasn’t particularly surprised. Instead, she felt a gentle, warm thrill of pleasure. She adjusted herself into a more comfortable position, creating a pillow with her arm for the round, soft head, and held her breath to avoid making any noise that might disturb the sleeping child.
As she lay there she said to herself that there was something she must tell Selden, some word she had found that should make life clear between them. She tried to repeat the word, which lingered vague and luminous on the far edge of thought—she was afraid of not remembering it when she woke; and if she could only remember it and say it to him, she felt that everything would be well.
As she lay there, she told herself that there was something she needed to share with Selden, a word she had discovered that could clarify everything between them. She tried to recall the word, which hovered vaguely and brightly at the edge of her thoughts—she was scared of forgetting it when she woke up; and if she could just remember it and say it to him, she believed that everything would be alright.
Slowly the thought of the word faded, and sleep began to enfold her. She struggled faintly against it, feeling that she ought to keep awake on account of the baby; but even this feeling was gradually lost in an indistinct sense of drowsy peace, through which, of a sudden, a dark flash of loneliness and terror tore its way.
Slowly, the thought of the word faded, and sleep started to wrap around her. She struggled weakly against it, feeling that she should stay awake for the baby; but even this feeling began to fade into a vague sense of drowsy calm, until suddenly, a sharp flash of loneliness and fear broke through.
She started up again, cold and trembling with the shock: for a moment she seemed to have lost her hold of the child. But no—she was mistaken—the tender pressure of its body was still close to hers: the recovered warmth flowed through her once more, she yielded to it, sank into it, and slept.
She began again, cold and shaking from the shock: for a moment, it felt like she had lost her grip on the child. But no—she was wrong—the gentle weight of its body was still against hers: the warmth returned to her, she embraced it, sank into it, and fell asleep.
Chapter 14
The next morning rose mild and bright, with a promise of summer in the air. The sunlight slanted joyously down Lily’s street, mellowed the blistered house-front, gilded the paintless railings of the doorstep, and struck prismatic glories from the panes of her darkened window.
The next morning was warm and sunny, with a hint of summer in the air. The sunlight joyfully streamed down Lily's street, softened the worn house front, highlighted the unpainted railings of the doorstep, and created colorful reflections on the glass of her darkened window.
When such a day coincides with the inner mood there is intoxication in its breath; and Selden, hastening along the street through the squalor of its morning confidences, felt himself thrilling with a youthful sense of adventure. He had cut loose from the familiar shores of habit, and launched himself on uncharted seas of emotion; all the old tests and measures were left behind, and his course was to be shaped by new stars.
When a day like that matches your mood, it feels exhilarating; and Selden, rushing down the street through the messiness of morning conversations, felt a rush of youthful excitement. He had freed himself from the comfort of routine and set sail on unknown emotional waters; all the old standards were behind him, and his path would be guided by new influences.
That course, for the moment, led merely to Miss Bart’s boarding-house; but its shabby doorstep had suddenly become the threshold of the untried. As he approached he looked up at the triple row of windows, wondering boyishly which one of them was hers. It was nine o’clock, and the house, being tenanted by workers, already showed an awakened front to the street. He remembered afterward having noticed that only one blind was down. He noticed too that there was a pot of pansies on one of the window sills, and at once concluded that the window must be hers: it was inevitable that he should connect her with the one touch of beauty in the dingy scene.
That path, for now, led only to Miss Bart’s boarding house; but its worn doorstep had suddenly transformed into the entrance of the unknown. As he walked closer, he glanced up at the three rows of windows, curious in a youthful way about which one belonged to her. It was nine o'clock, and since the house was home to workers, it already had a lively presence on the street. He later recalled noticing that only one blind was shut. He also saw a pot of pansies on one of the window sills and immediately figured that the window must be hers: it was natural for him to associate her with the one touch of beauty in the dreary scene.
Nine o’clock was an early hour for a visit, but Selden had passed beyond all such conventional observances. He only knew that he must see Lily Bart at once—he had found the word he meant to say to her, and it could not wait another moment to be said. It was strange that it had not come to his lips sooner—that he had let her pass from him the evening before without being able to speak it. But what did that matter, now that a new day had come? It was not a word for twilight, but for the morning.
Nine o’clock was an early time for a visit, but Selden was past all those usual norms. He just knew he had to see Lily Bart immediately—he had found the words he wanted to say to her, and he couldn’t wait any longer to say them. It was odd that he hadn’t said them sooner—that he had let her leave the night before without being able to express it. But what did it matter now that a new day was here? It wasn’t something to be said at twilight, but in the morning.
Selden ran eagerly up the steps and pulled the bell; and even in his state of self-absorption it came as a sharp surprise to him that the door should open so promptly. It was still more of a surprise to see, as he entered, that it had been opened by Gerty Farish—and that behind her, in an agitated blur, several other figures ominously loomed.
Selden rushed up the stairs and rang the bell; even though he was lost in his own thoughts, he was taken aback by how quickly the door opened. It was even more surprising to see, as he stepped inside, that Gerty Farish was the one who answered—and that behind her, in a tense haze, several other figures ominously hovered.
“Lawrence!” Gerty cried in a strange voice, “how could you get here so quickly?”—and the trembling hand she laid on him seemed instantly to close about his heart.
“Lawrence!” Gerty shouted in a strange voice, “how did you get here so fast?”—and the shaking hand she placed on him felt like it was wrapping around his heart.
He noticed the other faces, vague with fear and conjecture—he saw the landlady’s imposing bulk sway professionally toward him; but he shrank back, putting up his hand, while his eyes mechanically mounted the steep black walnut stairs, up which he was immediately aware that his cousin was about to lead him.
He noticed the other faces, blurry with fear and guessing—he saw the landlady’s large frame move purposefully toward him; but he recoiled, raising his hand, while his eyes automatically climbed the steep black walnut stairs, where he realized his cousin was about to take him.
A voice in the background said that the doctor might be back at any minute—and that nothing, upstairs, was to be disturbed. Some one else exclaimed: “It was the greatest mercy—” then Selden felt that Gerty had taken him gently by the hand, and that they were to be suffered to go up alone.
A voice in the background mentioned that the doctor could return at any moment—and that nothing upstairs should be disturbed. Someone else exclaimed, “It was such a mercy—” and then Selden felt Gerty softly take his hand, and they were allowed to go up by themselves.
In silence they mounted the three flights, and walked along the passage to a closed door. Gerty opened the door, and Selden went in after her. Though the blind was down, the irresistible sunlight poured a tempered golden flood into the room, and in its light Selden saw a narrow bed along the wall, and on the bed, with motionless hands and calm unrecognizing face, the semblance of Lily Bart.
In silence, they climbed the three flights of stairs and walked along the hallway to a closed door. Gerty opened the door, and Selden followed her inside. Even though the blind was down, the warm sunlight flooded the room, and in that light, Selden saw a narrow bed against the wall. On the bed, with still hands and a calm, unrecognizing face, lay what looked like Lily Bart.
That it was her real self, every pulse in him ardently denied. Her real self had lain warm on his heart but a few hours earlier—what had he to do with this estranged and tranquil face which, for the first time, neither paled nor brightened at his coming?
That it was her true self, every heartbeat in him passionately rejected. Her true self had just a few hours ago been warm against his heart—what did he have to do with this distant and calm face which, for the first time, neither faded nor lit up at his arrival?
Gerty, strangely tranquil too, with the conscious self-control of one who has ministered to much pain, stood by the bed, speaking gently, as if transmitting a final message.
Gerty, oddly calm as well, with the self-control of someone who has witnessed a lot of suffering, stood by the bed, speaking softly, as if sharing a last message.
“The doctor found a bottle of chloral—she had been sleeping badly for a long time, and she must have taken an overdose by mistake.... There is no doubt of that—no doubt—there will be no question—he has been very kind. I told him that you and I would like to be left alone with her—to go over her things before any one else comes. I know it is what she would have wished.”
“The doctor discovered a bottle of chloral—she had been having trouble sleeping for a long time, and she must have accidentally taken too much.... There's no doubt about it—no doubt—there will be no question—he has been really nice. I told him that you and I would like some time alone with her—to go through her things before anyone else arrives. I know it’s what she would have wanted.”
Selden was hardly conscious of what she said. He stood looking down on the sleeping face which seemed to lie like a delicate impalpable mask over the living lineaments he had known. He felt that the real Lily was still there, close to him, yet invisible and inaccessible; and the tenuity of the barrier between them mocked him with a sense of helplessness. There had never been more than a little impalpable barrier between them—and yet he had suffered it to keep them apart! And now, though it seemed slighter and frailer than ever, it had suddenly hardened to adamant, and he might beat his life out against it in vain.
Selden was barely aware of what she said. He stood there, looking down at her sleeping face, which seemed like a delicate mask over the features he had known. He felt that the real Lily was still there, close to him, yet invisible and unreachable; and the thin barrier between them taunted him with a sense of helplessness. There had always been just a slight, intangible barrier between them—and yet he had allowed it to keep them apart! And now, even though it seemed thinner and more fragile than ever, it had suddenly turned solid, and he might try in vain to break through it with his entire being.
He had dropped on his knees beside the bed, but a touch from Gerty aroused him. He stood up, and as their eyes met he was struck by the extraordinary light in his cousin’s face.
He dropped to his knees beside the bed, but a touch from Gerty brought him back to reality. He stood up, and as their eyes met, he was amazed by the incredible light in his cousin’s face.
“You understand what the doctor has gone for? He has promised that there shall be no trouble—but of course the formalities must be gone through. And I asked him to give us time to look through her things first——”
“You understand why the doctor has left? He has assured us that everything will be fine—but of course, we need to follow the proper procedures. And I asked him to give us some time to go through her belongings first——”
He nodded, and she glanced about the small bare room. “It won’t take long,” she concluded.
He nodded, and she looked around the small, empty room. “It won’t take long,” she decided.
“No—it won’t take long,” he agreed.
“No—it won’t take long,” he said.
She held his hand in hers a moment longer, and then, with a last look at the bed, moved silently toward the door. On the threshold she paused to add: “You will find me downstairs if you want me.”
She held his hand for a moment longer, and then, with one last look at the bed, quietly moved toward the door. At the threshold, she paused to add: “You’ll find me downstairs if you need me.”
Selden roused himself to detain her. “But why are you going? She would have wished——”
Selden pulled himself together to stop her. “But why are you leaving? She would have wanted——”
Gerty shook her head with a smile. “No: this is what she would have wished——” and as she spoke a light broke through Selden’s stony misery, and he saw deep into the hidden things of love.
Gerty shook her head with a smile. “No: this is what she would have wanted——” and as she spoke, a light broke through Selden’s stony misery, and he saw deep into the hidden aspects of love.
The door closed on Gerty, and he stood alone with the motionless sleeper on the bed. His impulse was to return to her side, to fall on his knees, and rest his throbbing head against the peaceful cheek on the pillow. They had never been at peace together, they two; and now he felt himself drawn downward into the strange mysterious depths of her tranquillity.
The door closed behind Gerty, leaving him alone with the still sleeper on the bed. He felt a strong urge to go back to her side, to kneel down, and rest his aching head against her calm cheek on the pillow. They had never been at peace with each other, the two of them; and now he found himself being pulled into the strange, mysterious depths of her serenity.
But he remembered Gerty’s warning words—he knew that, though time had ceased in this room, its feet were hastening relentlessly toward the door. Gerty had given him this supreme half hour, and he must use it as she willed.
But he remembered Gerty’s warning—he knew that, even though time had stopped in this room, it was still moving quickly toward the exit. Gerty had given him this precious half hour, and he had to use it as she intended.
He turned and looked about him, sternly compelling himself to regain his consciousness of outward things. There was very little furniture in the room. The shabby chest of drawers was spread with a lace cover, and set out with a few gold-topped boxes and bottles, a rose-coloured pin-cushion, a glass tray strewn with tortoise-shell hair-pins—he shrank from the poignant intimacy of these trifles, and from the blank surface of the toilet-mirror above them.
He turned and looked around, firmly urging himself to become aware of his surroundings again. There wasn’t much furniture in the room. The worn chest of drawers was covered with a lace cloth and displayed a few gold-topped boxes and bottles, a pink pin-cushion, and a glass tray scattered with tortoise-shell hairpins—he recoiled from the intense familiarity of these small items, and from the empty surface of the mirror above them.
These were the only traces of luxury, of that clinging to the minute observance of personal seemliness, which showed what her other renunciations must have cost. There was no other token of her personality about the room, unless it showed itself in the scrupulous neatness of the scant articles of furniture: a washing-stand, two chairs, a small writing-desk, and the little table near the bed. On this table stood the empty bottle and glass, and from these also he averted his eyes.
These were the only signs of luxury, of her strict attention to personal appearance, which indicated how much her other sacrifices must have meant. There was no other sign of her personality in the room, unless it was evident in the meticulous tidiness of the few pieces of furniture: a washstand, two chairs, a small writing desk, and the little table next to the bed. On this table were the empty bottle and glass, and he turned his eyes away from them as well.
The desk was closed, but on its slanting lid lay two letters which he took up. One bore the address of a bank, and as it was stamped and sealed, Selden, after a moment’s hesitation, laid it aside. On the other letter he read Gus Trenor’s name; and the flap of the envelope was still ungummed.
The desk was shut, but on its slanted top rested two letters which he picked up. One had the address of a bank, and since it was stamped and sealed, Selden, after a brief pause, set it aside. On the other letter, he saw Gus Trenor’s name; the flap of the envelope was still unstuck.
Temptation leapt on him like the stab of a knife. He staggered under it, steadying himself against the desk. Why had she been writing to Trenor—writing, presumably, just after their parting of the previous evening? The thought unhallowed the memory of that last hour, made a mock of the word he had come to speak, and defiled even the reconciling silence upon which it fell. He felt himself flung back on all the ugly uncertainties from which he thought he had cast loose forever. After all, what did he know of her life? Only as much as she had chosen to show him, and measured by the world’s estimate, how little that was! By what right—the letter in his hand seemed to ask—by what right was it he who now passed into her confidence through the gate which death had left unbarred? His heart cried out that it was by right of their last hour together, the hour when she herself had placed the key in his hand. Yes—but what if the letter to Trenor had been written afterward?
Temptation hit him like a knife. He staggered under it, leaning against the desk. Why had she been writing to Trenor—writing, presumably, just after they had parted the night before? This thought tainted the memory of that last hour, mocked the words he had planned to say, and even distorted the reconciling silence that followed. He felt himself thrown back into all the ugly uncertainties he thought he had left behind forever. After all, how much did he really know about her life? Only what she had chosen to show him, and measured by the world's standards, that was hardly anything! By what right—the letter in his hand seemed to ask—by what right was he the one who now entered her confidence through the door that death had left open? His heart insisted it was by the right of their last hour together, the hour when she had placed the key in his hand. Yes—but what if the letter to Trenor had been written afterward?
He put it from him with sudden loathing, and setting his lips, addressed himself resolutely to what remained of his task. After all, that task would be easier to perform, now that his personal stake in it was annulled.
He pushed it away with a sudden feeling of disgust, and with his lips pressed together, he determinedly focused on what was left of his task. After all, it would be easier to complete now that he had no personal investment in it.
He raised the lid of the desk, and saw within it a cheque-book and a few packets of bills and letters, arranged with the orderly precision which characterized all her personal habits. He looked through the letters first, because it was the most difficult part of the work. They proved to be few and unimportant, but among them he found, with a strange commotion of the heart, the note he had written her the day after the Brys’ entertainment.
He lifted the desk lid and found a checkbook along with a few bundles of bills and letters, all neatly organized, just like her personal habits. He started with the letters, as that was the hardest part of the task. There weren’t many, and they were mostly trivial, but among them he discovered, with a surprising flutter in his chest, the note he had written her the day after the Brys' party.
“When may I come to you?”—his words overwhelmed him with a realization of the cowardice which had driven him from her at the very moment of attainment. Yes—he had always feared his fate, and he was too honest to disown his cowardice now; for had not all his old doubts started to life again at the mere sight of Trenor’s name?
“When can I come to you?”—his words hit him hard with the realization of the cowardice that had caused him to leave her at the moment he finally had a chance. Yes—he had always been afraid of his fate, and he was too honest to deny his cowardice now; for hadn’t all his old doubts come rushing back at the mere sight of Trenor’s name?
He laid the note in his card-case, folding it away carefully, as something made precious by the fact that she had held it so; then, growing once more aware of the lapse of time, he continued his examination of the papers.
He put the note in his card case, folding it up carefully, as if it were something valuable because she had touched it; then, realizing time was passing again, he went back to looking through the papers.
To his surprise, he found that all the bills were receipted; there was not an unpaid account among them. He opened the cheque-book, and saw that, the very night before, a cheque of ten thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston’s executors had been entered in it. The legacy, then, had been paid sooner than Gerty had led him to expect. But, turning another page or two, he discovered with astonishment that, in spite of this recent accession of funds, the balance had already declined to a few dollars. A rapid glance at the stubs of the last cheques, all of which bore the date of the previous day, showed that between four or five hundred dollars of the legacy had been spent in the settlement of bills, while the remaining thousands were comprehended in one cheque, made out, at the same time, to Charles Augustus Trenor.
To his surprise, he found that all the bills were paid; not a single account was unpaid. He opened the checkbook and saw that, just the night before, a check for ten thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston’s executors had been recorded. So, the inheritance had come through sooner than Gerty had led him to believe. But, after flipping a couple of pages, he was astonished to find that, despite this recent influx of cash, the balance had already dropped to just a few dollars. A quick look at the stubs of the last checks, all dated the previous day, revealed that four or five hundred dollars of the inheritance had been spent on settling bills, while the remaining thousands were represented in one check made out to Charles Augustus Trenor.
Selden laid the book aside, and sank into the chair beside the desk. He leaned his elbows on it, and hid his face in his hands. The bitter waters of life surged high about him, their sterile taste was on his lips. Did the cheque to Trenor explain the mystery or deepen it? At first his mind refused to act—he felt only the taint of such a transaction between a man like Trenor and a girl like Lily Bart. Then, gradually, his troubled vision cleared, old hints and rumours came back to him, and out of the very insinuations he had feared to probe, he constructed an explanation of the mystery. It was true, then, that she had taken money from Trenor; but true also, as the contents of the little desk declared, that the obligation had been intolerable to her, and that at the first opportunity she had freed herself from it, though the act left her face to face with bare unmitigated poverty.
Selden set the book aside and sank into the chair next to the desk. He leaned his elbows on it and buried his face in his hands. The harsh realities of life surged around him, their bitter taste lingering on his lips. Did the check to Trenor clarify the mystery or make it worse? At first, he struggled to think—he only felt disgust at the idea of a transaction like this between someone like Trenor and a girl like Lily Bart. Gradually, though, his clouded mind cleared, old hints and rumors resurfaced, and from the very implications he had been afraid to explore, he pieced together an explanation for the mystery. It was true that she had accepted money from Trenor; but it was also true, as the contents of the small desk revealed, that she found the obligation unbearable and had freed herself from it at the first chance she got, even though it meant facing stark, unrelenting poverty.
That was all he knew—all he could hope to unravel of the story. The mute lips on the pillow refused him more than this—unless indeed they had told him the rest in the kiss they had left upon his forehead. Yes, he could now read into that farewell all that his heart craved to find there; he could even draw from it courage not to accuse himself for having failed to reach the height of his opportunity.
That was everything he knew—all he could hope to understand from the story. The silent lips on the pillow gave him no more than this—unless they had shared the rest in the kiss they left on his forehead. Yes, he could now interpret that goodbye in all the ways his heart longed to discover; he could even find the strength not to blame himself for not seizing the moment he had.
He saw that all the conditions of life had conspired to keep them apart; since his very detachment from the external influences which swayed her had increased his spiritual fastidiousness, and made it more difficult for him to live and love uncritically. But at least he HAD loved her—had been willing to stake his future on his faith in her—and if the moment had been fated to pass from them before they could seize it, he saw now that, for both, it had been saved whole out of the ruin of their lives.
He realized that everything in life had worked against them being together; his independence from the outside pressures that affected her had heightened his spiritual perfectionism, making it harder for him to live and love without judgment. But at least he had loved her—he had been ready to risk his future based on his trust in her—and if the moment they shared was meant to slip away before they could grasp it, he now understood that, for both of them, it had been preserved completely amidst the wreckage of their lives.
It was this moment of love, this fleeting victory over themselves, which had kept them from atrophy and extinction; which, in her, had reached out to him in every struggle against the influence of her surroundings, and in him, had kept alive the faith that now drew him penitent and reconciled to her side.
It was this moment of love, this brief triumph over themselves, that had prevented them from fading away; which, in her, had reached out to him in every battle against the impact of her environment, and in him, had sustained the belief that now brought him humbled and reconciled to her side.
He knelt by the bed and bent over her, draining their last moment to its lees; and in the silence there passed between them the word which made all clear.
He knelt by the bed and leaned over her, savoring their last moment to the fullest; and in the silence, they exchanged the word that made everything clear.
THE END
THE END
Transcriber’s Note:
Transcriber's Note
1. I have modernized this text by modernizing the contractions: do n’t becomes don’t, etc.
1. I have updated this text by changing the contractions: do n’t becomes don’t, etc.
2. I have retained the British spelling of words like favour and colour.
2. I have kept the British spelling of words like favor and color.
3. I found and corrected one instance of the name “Gertie,” which I changed to “Gerty” to be consistent with rest of the book.
3. I found and corrected one instance of the name “Gertie,” which I changed to “Gerty” to be consistent with the rest of the book.
Linda Ruoff
Linda Ruoff
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