This is a modern-English version of The Light That Failed, originally written by Kipling, Rudyard.
It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling,
and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If
you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.
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The Light that Failed
by Rudyard Kipling
Contents
DEDICATION |
PREFACE |
CHAPTER I |
CHAPTER II |
CHAPTER III |
CHAPTER IV |
CHAPTER V |
CHAPTER VI |
CHAPTER VII |
CHAPTER VIII |
CHAPTER IX |
CHAPTER X |
CHAPTER XI |
CHAPTER XII |
CHAPTER XIII |
CHAPTER XIV |
CHAPTER XV |
DEDICATION
If I were hanged on the highest hill,
Mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine!
I know whose love would follow me still,
Mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine!
If I were drowned in the deepest sea,
Mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine!
I know whose tears would come down to me,
Mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine!
If I were damned of body and soul,
I know whose prayers would make me whole,
Mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine!
If I were hanged on the highest hill,
Mother of mine, oh mother of mine!
I know whose love would still be with me,
Mother of mine, oh mother of mine!
If I were drowned in the deepest sea,
Mother of mine, oh mother of mine!
I know whose tears would fall for me,
Mother of mine, oh mother of mine!
If I were damned in body and soul,
I know whose prayers would make me whole,
Mother of mine, oh mother of mine!
PREFACE
This is the story of The Light that Failed as it was originally conceived by the writer.
This is the story of The Light that Failed as it was first imagined by the author.
RUDYARD KIPLING
Rudyard Kipling
CHAPTER I
So we settled it all when the storm was done
As comf’y as comf’y could be;
And I was to wait in the barn, my dears,
Because I was only three;
And Teddy would run to the rainbow’s foot,
Because he was five and a man;
And that’s how it all began, my dears,
And that’s how it all began.
—Big Barn Stories.
So we figured everything out when the storm was over
As cozy as cozy could be;
And I had to wait in the barn, my loves,
Because I was only three;
And Teddy would run to the end of the rainbow,
Because he was five and a big boy;
And that’s how it all started, my loves,
And that’s how it all started.
—Big Barn Stories.
“What do you think she’d do if she caught us? We oughtn’t to have it, you know,” said Maisie.
“What do you think she’d do if she caught us? We shouldn't have it, you know,” said Maisie.
“Beat me, and lock you up in your bedroom,” Dick answered, without hesitation. “Have you got the cartridges?”
“Beat me, and I'll lock you in your bedroom,” Dick replied without hesitation. “Do you have the cartridges?”
“Yes; they’re in my pocket, but they are joggling horribly. Do pin-fire cartridges go off of their own accord?”
“Yes; they’re in my pocket, but they’re jostling around terribly. Do pin-fire cartridges go off by themselves?”
“Don’t know. Take the revolver, if you are afraid, and let me carry them.”
“Not sure. Take the revolver if you’re scared, and let me handle them.”
“I’m not afraid.” Maisie strode forward swiftly, a hand in her pocket and her chin in the air. Dick followed with a small pin-fire revolver.
“I’m not afraid.” Maisie walked forward confidently, a hand in her pocket and her chin held high. Dick followed her with a small pin-fire revolver.
The children had discovered that their lives would be unendurable without pistol-practice. After much forethought and self-denial, Dick had saved seven shillings and sixpence, the price of a badly constructed Belgian revolver. Maisie could only contribute half a crown to the syndicate for the purchase of a hundred cartridges. “You can save better than I can, Dick,” she explained; “I like nice things to eat, and it doesn’t matter to you. Besides, boys ought to do these things.”
The kids realized that they couldn't stand their lives without practicing with guns. After a lot of thinking and sacrificing, Dick managed to save seven shillings and sixpence, enough to buy a poorly made Belgian revolver. Maisie could only add half a crown to the group fund to buy a hundred cartridges. “You can save better than I can, Dick,” she said, “I like tasty food, and it doesn’t bother you. Besides, boys should handle these things.”
Dick grumbled a little at the arrangement, but went out and made the purchase, which the children were then on their way to test. Revolvers did not lie in the scheme of their daily life as decreed for them by the guardian who was incorrectly supposed to stand in the place of a mother to these two orphans. Dick had been under her care for six years, during which time she had made her profit of the allowances supposed to be expended on his clothes, and, partly through thoughtlessness, partly through a natural desire to pain,—she was a widow of some years anxious to marry again,—had made his days burdensome on his young shoulders.
Dick complained a bit about the arrangement but went ahead and made the purchase, which the kids were now heading out to test. Guns weren’t part of their daily lives as dictated by the guardian who was wrongly thought to take the place of a mother for these two orphans. Dick had been under her care for six years, during which she had benefited from the allowances meant for his clothing, and, partly due to carelessness and partly out of a natural desire to cause distress—she was a widow for some years eager to marry again—she had made his days heavy with burdens at such a young age.
Where he had looked for love, she gave him first aversion and then hate.
Where he had sought love, she first gave him dislike and then loathing.
Where he growing older had sought a little sympathy, she gave him ridicule. The many hours that she could spare from the ordering of her small house she devoted to what she called the home-training of Dick Heldar. Her religion, manufactured in the main by her own intelligence and a keen study of the Scriptures, was an aid to her in this matter. At such times as she herself was not personally displeased with Dick, she left him to understand that he had a heavy account to settle with his Creator; wherefore Dick learned to loathe his God as intensely as he loathed Mrs. Jennett; and this is not a wholesome frame of mind for the young. Since she chose to regard him as a hopeless liar, when dread of pain drove him to his first untruth, he naturally developed into a liar, but an economical and self-contained one, never throwing away the least unnecessary fib, and never hesitating at the blackest, were it only plausible, that might make his life a little easier. The treatment taught him at least the power of living alone,—a power that was of service to him when he went to a public school and the boys laughed at his clothes, which were poor in quality and much mended. In the holidays he returned to the teachings of Mrs. Jennett, and, that the chain of discipline might not be weakened by association with the world, was generally beaten, on one account or another, before he had been twelve hours under her roof.
As he got older and looked for some sympathy, she served him ridicule instead. The time she could spare from managing her small house was dedicated to what she called the home-training of Dick Heldar. Her beliefs, mostly shaped by her own insights and a close reading of the Scriptures, helped her in this task. When she wasn't personally annoyed with Dick, she made it clear that he had a serious debt to settle with his Creator; as a result, Dick learned to hate his God as much as he hated Mrs. Jennett, which isn’t a healthy mindset for a young person. Since she saw him as a hopeless liar, when fear of pain pushed him to his first lie, he naturally became a liar, but one who was careful and self-restrained, never wasting a single unnecessary fib, and never hesitating to tell the most terrible lie if it seemed plausible enough to make his life a bit easier. This treatment taught him at least how to survive on his own, a skill that came in handy when he attended a public school and the other boys mocked his clothes, which were low-quality and heavily repaired. During the holidays, he returned to Mrs. Jennett's teachings and, to ensure that the discipline wasn't softened by his time in the outside world, he was usually punished for one reason or another before he had been back under her roof for twelve hours.
The autumn of one year brought him a companion in bondage, a long-haired, gray-eyed little atom, as self-contained as himself, who moved about the house silently and for the first few weeks spoke only to the goat that was her chiefest friend on earth and lived in the back-garden. Mrs. Jennett objected to the goat on the grounds that he was un-Christian,—which he certainly was. “Then,” said the atom, choosing her words very deliberately, “I shall write to my lawyer-peoples and tell them that you are a very bad woman. Amomma is mine, mine, mine!” Mrs. Jennett made a movement to the hall, where certain umbrellas and canes stood in a rack. The atom understood as clearly as Dick what this meant. “I have been beaten before,” she said, still in the same passionless voice; “I have been beaten worse than you can ever beat me. If you beat me I shall write to my lawyer-peoples and tell them that you do not give me enough to eat. I am not afraid of you.” Mrs. Jennett did not go into the hall, and the atom, after a pause to assure herself that all danger of war was past, went out, to weep bitterly on Amomma’s neck.
The autumn of one year brought him a companion in confinement, a little girl with long hair and gray eyes, as independent as he was. She moved quietly around the house and, for the first few weeks, only talked to the goat who was her closest friend in the world and lived in the backyard. Mrs. Jennett objected to the goat, claiming he was un-Christian—which he definitely was. “Then,” said the little girl, carefully choosing her words, “I will write to my lawyers and tell them that you are a very bad woman. Amomma is mine, mine, mine!” Mrs. Jennett made a move toward the hall, where some umbrellas and canes were stored. The girl understood as well as Dick what that meant. “I’ve been beaten before,” she said, still in a flat voice, “I’ve been beaten worse than you could ever hurt me. If you hit me, I will write to my lawyers and say that you don’t give me enough to eat. I am not scared of you.” Mrs. Jennett didn’t go into the hall, and the girl, after a moment to make sure all threats of conflict were over, went outside to cry bitterly on Amomma’s neck.
Dick learned to know her as Maisie, and at first mistrusted her profoundly, for he feared that she might interfere with the small liberty of action left to him. She did not, however; and she volunteered no friendliness until Dick had taken the first steps. Long before the holidays were over, the stress of punishment shared in common drove the children together, if it were only to play into each other’s hands as they prepared lies for Mrs. Jennett’s use. When Dick returned to school, Maisie whispered, “Now I shall be all alone to take care of myself; but,” and she nodded her head bravely, “I can do it. You promised to send Amomma a grass collar. Send it soon.” A week later she asked for that collar by return of post, and was not pleased when she learned that it took time to make. When at last Dick forwarded the gift, she forgot to thank him for it.
Dick got to know her as Maisie, and at first he deeply mistrusted her because he was worried she might interfere with the little freedom he had left. She didn’t, though, and she offered no friendliness until Dick made the first move. Long before the holidays ended, the shared stress of punishment brought the kids together, even if it was just to help each other come up with lies for Mrs. Jennett. When Dick went back to school, Maisie whispered, “Now I’ll be all alone to take care of myself; but,” and she nodded her head bravely, “I can do it. You promised to send Amomma a grass collar. Send it soon.” A week later, she asked for that collar to be sent back right away and wasn’t happy when she found out it took time to make. When Dick finally sent the gift, she forgot to thank him for it.
Many holidays had come and gone since that day, and Dick had grown into a lanky hobbledehoy more than ever conscious of his bad clothes. Not for a moment had Mrs. Jennett relaxed her tender care of him, but the average canings of a public school—Dick fell under punishment about three times a month—filled him with contempt for her powers. “She doesn’t hurt,” he explained to Maisie, who urged him to rebellion, “and she is kinder to you after she has whacked me.” Dick shambled through the days unkempt in body and savage in soul, as the smaller boys of the school learned to know, for when the spirit moved him he would hit them, cunningly and with science. The same spirit made him more than once try to tease Maisie, but the girl refused to be made unhappy. “We are both miserable as it is,” said she. “What is the use of trying to make things worse? Let’s find things to do, and forget things.”
Many holidays had come and gone since that day, and Dick had grown into a tall, awkward young man, more aware than ever of his shabby clothes. Not for a moment had Mrs. Jennett eased her caring attention toward him, but the usual punishments at school—Dick got punished about three times a month—filled him with disdain for her authority. “It doesn’t hurt,” he told Maisie, who encouraged him to rebel, “and she’s nicer to you after she’s punished me.” Dick stumbled through the days looking messy and feeling angry inside, as the younger boys at school learned, since whenever the mood struck him, he would hit them, strategically and skillfully. The same mood also led him to tease Maisie more than once, but she wouldn’t let him upset her. “We are both miserable as it is,” she said. “What’s the point in trying to make things worse? Let’s find things to do and forget about everything.”
The pistol was the outcome of that search. It could only be used on the muddiest foreshore of the beach, far away from the bathing-machines and pierheads, below the grassy slopes of Fort Keeling. The tide ran out nearly two miles on that coast, and the many-coloured mud-banks, touched by the sun, sent up a lamentable smell of dead weed. It was late in the afternoon when Dick and Maisie arrived on their ground, Amomma trotting patiently behind them.
The pistol was the result of that search. It could only be used on the muddiest part of the beach, far from the changing rooms and pier, below the grassy slopes of Fort Keeling. The tide went out nearly two miles along that coast, and the colorful mud banks, warmed by the sun, gave off a terrible smell of dead seaweed. It was late in the afternoon when Dick and Maisie reached their spot, with Amomma trotting patiently behind them.
“Mf!” said Maisie, sniffing the air. “I wonder what makes the sea so smelly? I don’t like it!”
“Mf!” said Maisie, wrinkling her nose. “I wonder what makes the sea smell so bad? I don’t like it!”
“You never like anything that isn’t made just for you,” said Dick bluntly. “Give me the cartridges, and I’ll try first shot. How far does one of these little revolvers carry?”
“You never like anything that isn’t made just for you,” Dick said straightforwardly. “Hand me the cartridges, and I’ll take the first shot. How far can one of these little revolvers shoot?”
“Oh, half a mile,” said Maisie, promptly. “At least it makes an awful noise. Be careful with the cartridges; I don’t like those jagged stick-up things on the rim. Dick, do be careful.”
“Oh, half a mile,” said Maisie, quickly. “At least it makes a terrible noise. Be careful with the cartridges; I don’t like those sharp, pointed things on the rim. Dick, please be careful.”
“All right. I know how to load. I’ll fire at the breakwater out there.”
“All right. I know how to load. I’ll shoot at the breakwater over there.”
He fired, and Amomma ran away bleating. The bullet threw up a spurt of mud to the right of the wood-wreathed piles.
He shot, and Amomma took off, bleating. The bullet kicked up a spray of mud to the right of the pile wrapped in wood.
“Throws high and to the right. You try, Maisie. Mind, it’s loaded all round.”
“Throws high and to the right. Give it a shot, Maisie. Just remember, it’s loaded all around.”
Maisie took the pistol and stepped delicately to the verge of the mud, her hand firmly closed on the butt, her mouth and left eye screwed up.
Maisie grabbed the pistol and carefully stepped to the edge of the mud, her hand tightly gripping the handle, her mouth and left eye squinted.
Dick sat down on a tuft of bank and laughed. Amomma returned very cautiously. He was accustomed to strange experiences in his afternoon walks, and, finding the cartridge-box unguarded, made investigations with his nose. Maisie fired, but could not see where the bullet went.
Dick sat down on a patch of grass and laughed. Amomma came back very carefully. He was used to unusual experiences during his afternoon walks, and, noticing the cartridge box was unprotected, started sniffing around it. Maisie shot, but couldn’t see where the bullet went.
“I think it hit the post,” she said, shading her eyes and looking out across the sailless sea.
“I think it hit the post,” she said, shielding her eyes and gazing out over the windless sea.
“I know it has gone out to the Marazion Bell-buoy,” said Dick, with a chuckle. “Fire low and to the left; then perhaps you’ll get it. Oh, look at Amomma!—he’s eating the cartridges!”
“I know it’s headed to the Marazion Bell-buoy,” said Dick, laughing. “Aim low and to the left; maybe you’ll hit it. Oh, look at Amomma!—he’s eating the cartridges!”
Maisie turned, the revolver in her hand, just in time to see Amomma scampering away from the pebbles Dick threw after him. Nothing is sacred to a billy-goat. Being well fed and the adored of his mistress, Amomma had naturally swallowed two loaded pin-fire cartridges. Maisie hurried up to assure herself that Dick had not miscounted the tale.
Maisie turned, the revolver in her hand, just in time to see Amomma running away from the pebbles Dick threw after him. Nothing is sacred to a goat. Being well-fed and adored by his owner, Amomma had, of course, swallowed two loaded pin-fire cartridges. Maisie hurried over to make sure that Dick hadn't miscounted.
“Yes, he’s eaten two.”
“Yes, he’s had two.”
“Horrid little beast! Then they’ll joggle about inside him and blow up, and serve him right.... Oh, Dick! have I killed you?”
“Horrible little creature! They'll bounce around inside him and explode, and he deserves it.... Oh, Dick! Did I kill you?”
Revolvers are tricky things for young hands to deal with. Maisie could not explain how it had happened, but a veil of reeking smoke separated her from Dick, and she was quite certain that the pistol had gone off in his face. Then she heard him sputter, and dropped on her knees beside him, crying, “Dick, you aren’t hurt, are you? I didn’t mean it.”
Revolvers are tricky for young hands to handle. Maisie couldn't explain how it happened, but a cloud of thick smoke stood between her and Dick, and she was sure that the gun had gone off right in his face. Then she heard him cough, and she dropped to her knees beside him, crying, “Dick, you aren’t hurt, are you? I didn’t mean it.”
“Of course you didn’t, said Dick, coming out of the smoke and wiping his cheek. “But you nearly blinded me. That powder stuff stings awfully.” A neat little splash of gray lead on a stone showed where the bullet had gone. Maisie began to whimper.
“Of course you didn’t,” said Dick, stepping out of the smoke and wiping his cheek. “But you nearly blinded me. That powder stuff hurts like crazy.” A neat little splash of gray lead on a stone showed where the bullet had hit. Maisie started to whimper.
“Don’t,” said Dick, jumping to his feet and shaking himself. “I’m not a bit hurt.”
“Don’t,” Dick said, getting to his feet and shaking himself off. “I’m not hurt at all.”
“No, but I might have killed you,” protested Maisie, the corners of her mouth drooping. “What should I have done then?”
“No, but I could have killed you,” Maisie said, her lips turning down. “What was I supposed to do then?”
“Gone home and told Mrs. Jennett.” Dick grinned at the thought; then, softening, “Please don’t worry about it. Besides, we are wasting time.
“Gone home and told Mrs. Jennett.” Dick smiled at the thought; then, softening, “Please don’t stress about it. Plus, we’re wasting time.
We’ve got to get back to tea. I’ll take the revolver for a bit.”
We need to get back to tea. I’ll use the revolver for a while.
Maisie would have wept on the least encouragement, but Dick’s indifference, albeit his hand was shaking as he picked up the pistol, restrained her. She lay panting on the beach while Dick methodically bombarded the breakwater. “Got it at last!” he exclaimed, as a lock of weed flew from the wood.
Maisie would have cried at the slightest encouragement, but Dick’s indifference, even though his hand was shaking as he picked up the gun, held her back. She lay breathing heavily on the beach while Dick systematically bombarded the breakwater. “Got it at last!” he shouted, as a clump of seaweed flew off the wood.
“Let me try,” said Maisie, imperiously. “I’m all right now.”
“Let me try,” said Maisie, confidently. “I’m fine now.”
They fired in turns till the rickety little revolver nearly shook itself to pieces, and Amomma the outcast—because he might blow up at any moment—browsed in the background and wondered why stones were thrown at him. Then they found a balk of timber floating in a pool which was commanded by the seaward slope of Fort Keeling, and they sat down together before this new target.
They took turns shooting until the old revolver was nearly falling apart, and Amomma the outcast—because he could explode at any moment—hung back and wondered why people were throwing stones at him. Then they discovered a beam of wood floating in a pool that was overlooked by the seaward slope of Fort Keeling, and they all sat down together in front of this new target.
“Next holidays,” said Dick, as the now thoroughly fouled revolver kicked wildly in his hand, “we’ll get another pistol,—central fire,—that will carry farther.”
“Next holidays,” said Dick, as the now completely dirty revolver kicked wildly in his hand, “we’ll get another pistol,—central fire,—that will shoot farther.”
“There won’t be any next holidays for me,” said Maisie. “I’m going away.”
“There won’t be any more holidays for me,” said Maisie. “I’m leaving.”
“Where to?”
“Where to now?”
“I don’t know. My lawyers have written to Mrs. Jennett, and I’ve got to be educated somewhere,—in France, perhaps,—I don’t know where; but I shall be glad to go away.”
“I don’t know. My lawyers have reached out to Mrs. Jennett, and I need to be educated somewhere—in France, maybe—I’m not sure where; but I would be happy to leave.”
“I shan’t like it a bit. I suppose I shall be left. Look here, Maisie, is it really true you’re going? Then these holidays will be the last I shall see anything of you; and I go back to school next week. I wish——”
“I won't like it at all. I guess I'll be left behind. Listen, Maisie, is it really true that you’re going? Then this holiday will be the last time I see you, and I go back to school next week. I wish——”
The young blood turned his cheeks scarlet. Maisie was picking grass-tufts and throwing them down the slope at a yellow sea-poppy nodding all by itself to the illimitable levels of the mud-flats and the milk-white sea beyond.
The young man’s cheeks turned bright red. Maisie was picking clumps of grass and tossing them down the hill at a yellow sea poppy swaying all by itself against the endless stretch of the mudflats and the bright white sea beyond.
“I wish,” she said, after a pause, “that I could see you again sometime.
“I wish,” she said, after a pause, “that I could see you again sometime.
You wish that, too?”
"You wish that too?"
“Yes, but it would have been better if—if—you had—shot straight over there—down by the breakwater.”
“Yes, but it would have been better if—if—you had—aimed straight over there—down by the breakwater.”
Maisie looked with large eyes for a moment. And this was the boy who only ten days before had decorated Amomma’s horns with cut-paper ham-frills and turned him out, a bearded derision, among the public ways! Then she dropped her eyes: this was not the boy.
Maisie stared wide-eyed for a moment. This was the boy who just ten days ago had decorated Amomma’s horns with paper frills and paraded him around, like a bearded joke, in the streets! Then she looked down: this wasn’t the boy.
“Don’t be stupid,” she said reprovingly, and with swift instinct attacked the side-issue. “How selfish you are! Just think what I should have felt if that horrid thing had killed you! I’m quite miserable enough already.”
“Don’t be dumb,” she said disapprovingly, and with quick instinct tackled the side issue. “How selfish of you! Just imagine how I would have felt if that horrible thing had killed you! I’m already miserable enough.”
“Why? Because you’re going away from Mrs. Jennett?”
“Why? Is it because you’re leaving Mrs. Jennett?”
“No.”
“No.”
“From me, then?”
"From me, right?"
No answer for a long time. Dick dared not look at her. He felt, though he did not know, all that the past four years had been to him, and this the more acutely since he had no knowledge to put his feelings in words.
No answer for a long time. Dick didn't dare to look at her. He sensed, even though he couldn’t articulate it, everything the past four years had meant to him, and this feeling was even more intense since he had no way to express it.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose it is.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess it is.”
“Maisie, you must know. I’m not supposing.”
“Maisie, you should know. I’m not guessing.”
“Let’s go home,” said Maisie, weakly.
“Let’s go home,” said Maisie, faintly.
But Dick was not minded to retreat.
But Dick wasn’t planning to back down.
“I can’t say things,” he pleaded, “and I’m awfully sorry for teasing you about Amomma the other day. It’s all different now, Maisie, can’t you see? And you might have told me that you were going, instead of leaving me to find out.”
“I can’t express myself,” he begged, “and I really apologize for joking about Amomma the other day. Everything's different now, Maisie, can’t you understand? You could’ve let me know you were leaving instead of just leaving me to figure it out.”
“You didn’t. I did tell. Oh, Dick, what’s the use of worrying?”
“You didn’t. I did tell. Oh, Dick, what’s the point of worrying?”
“There isn’t any; but we’ve been together years and years, and I didn’t know how much I cared.”
“There isn’t any; but we’ve been together for years and years, and I didn’t realize how much I cared.”
“I don’t believe you ever did care.”
“I don’t think you ever cared.”
“No, I didn’t; but I do,—I care awfully now, Maisie,” he gulped,—“Maisie, darling, say you care too, please.”
“No, I didn’t; but I do—I care a lot now, Maisie,” he said, gulping. “Maisie, darling, please say you care too.”
“I do, indeed I do; but it won’t be any use.”
“I do, I really do; but it won’t make any difference.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Because I am going away.”
“Because I'm leaving.”
“Yes, but if you promise before you go. Only say—will you?” A second “darling’ came to his lips more easily than the first. There were few endearments in Dick’s home or school life; he had to find them by instinct. Dick caught the little hand blackened with the escaped gas of the revolver.
“Yes, but promise me before you leave. Just say—will you?” A second “darling” came to his lips more easily than the first. There weren’t many terms of affection in Dick’s home or school life; he had to discover them instinctively. Dick grabbed the small hand stained with the gunpowder from the revolver.
“I promise,” she said solemnly; “but if I care there is no need for promising.”
“I promise,” she said seriously, “but if I care, there’s no need to promise.”
“And do you care?” For the first time in the past few minutes their eyes met and spoke for them who had no skill in speech....
“And do you care?” For the first time in the past few minutes, their eyes met and communicated for those who weren't good with words...
“Oh, Dick, don’t! Please don’t! It was all right when we said good-morning; but now it’s all different!” Amomma looked on from afar.
“Oh, Dick, please don’t! It was fine when we said good morning, but now it’s just different!” Amomma watched from a distance.
He had seen his property quarrel frequently, but he had never seen kisses exchanged before. The yellow sea-poppy was wiser, and nodded its head approvingly. Considered as a kiss, that was a failure, but since it was the first, other than those demanded by duty, in all the world that either had ever given or taken, it opened to them new worlds, and every one of them glorious, so that they were lifted above the consideration of any worlds at all, especially those in which tea is necessary, and sat still, holding each other’s hands and saying not a word.
He had often watched his property arguments, but he had never seen kisses exchanged before. The yellow sea-poppy was wiser and nodded its head in approval. As a kiss, it was a failure, but since it was the first one, aside from those given out of obligation, that either of them had ever given or received, it opened up new, wonderful worlds for them—so much so that they forgot about any other worlds, especially those where tea is a must, and just sat there, holding hands and saying nothing.
“You can’t forget now,” said Dick, at last. There was that on his cheek that stung more than gunpowder.
“You can’t forget now,” Dick finally said. There was something on his cheek that hurt more than gunpowder.
“I shouldn’t have forgotten anyhow,” said Maisie, and they looked at each other and saw that each was changed from the companion of an hour ago to a wonder and a mystery they could not understand. The sun began to set, and a night-wind thrashed along the bents of the foreshore.
“I shouldn’t have forgotten anyway,” said Maisie, and they looked at each other and realized that each had changed from the friend they were an hour ago to a stranger and a mystery they couldn’t comprehend. The sun started to set, and a night breeze whipped along the grass of the shore.
“We shall be awfully late for tea,” said Maisie. “Let’s go home.”
“We're going to be really late for tea,” said Maisie. “Let’s head home.”
“Let’s use the rest of the cartridges first,” said Dick; and he helped Maisie down the slope of the fort to the sea,—a descent that she was quite capable of covering at full speed. Equally gravely Maisie took the grimy hand. Dick bent forward clumsily; Maisie drew the hand away, and Dick blushed.
“Let’s use the rest of the cartridges first,” said Dick; and he helped Maisie down the slope of the fort to the sea—a descent that she could easily manage at full speed. Just as seriously, Maisie took the dirty hand. Dick leaned forward awkwardly; Maisie pulled her hand away, and Dick turned red.
“It’s very pretty,” he said.
“It’s really pretty,” he said.
“Pooh!” said Maisie, with a little laugh of gratified vanity. She stood close to Dick as he loaded the revolver for the last time and fired over the sea with a vague notion at the back of his head that he was protecting Maisie from all the evils in the world. A puddle far across the mud caught the last rays of the sun and turned into a wrathful red disc. The light held Dick’s attention for a moment, and as he raised his revolver there fell upon him a renewed sense of the miraculous, in that he was standing by Maisie who had promised to care for him for an indefinite length of time till such date as—— A gust of the growing wind drove the girl’s long black hair across his face as she stood with her hand on his shoulder calling Amomma “a little beast,” and for a moment he was in the dark,—a darkness that stung. The bullet went singing out to the empty sea.
“Pooh!” said Maisie, laughing a little out of pleased vanity. She stood close to Dick as he loaded the revolver for the last time and fired over the sea, harboring a vague thought that he was protecting Maisie from all the evils in the world. A puddle far across the mud caught the last rays of the sun and turned into a fierce red disc. The light held Dick’s attention for a moment, and as he raised his revolver, a renewed sense of wonder came over him, realizing he was standing by Maisie, who had promised to care for him for an unspecified amount of time until such date as—— A gust of the rising wind blew the girl’s long black hair across his face as she stood with her hand on his shoulder, calling Amomma “a little beast,” and for a moment he was in the dark—a darkness that stung. The bullet shot out into the empty sea.
“Spoilt my aim,” said he, shaking his head. “There aren’t any more cartridges; we shall have to run home.” But they did not run. They walked very slowly, arm in arm. And it was a matter of indifference to them whether the neglected Amomma with two pin-fire cartridges in his inside blew up or trotted beside them; for they had come into a golden heritage and were disposing of it with all the wisdom of all their years.
“Screwed up my shot,” he said, shaking his head. “There aren’t any more bullets; we’ll have to head home.” But they didn’t hurry. They walked slowly, arm in arm. It didn’t really matter to them whether the abandoned Amomma with two pin-fire cartridges inside it blew up or walked next to them; they had come into a golden legacy and were handling it with all the wisdom they had gained over the years.
“And I shall be——” quoth Dick, valiantly. Then he checked himself: “I don’t know what I shall be. I don’t seem to be able to pass any exams, but I can make awful caricatures of the masters. Ho! Ho!”
“And I’m going to be——” said Dick, confidently. Then he paused: “I have no idea what I’m going to be. I can't seem to pass any tests, but I can draw hilarious caricatures of the teachers. Ha! Ha!”
“Be an artist, then,” said Maisie. “You’re always laughing at my trying to draw; and it will do you good.”
“Be an artist, then,” said Maisie. “You’re always making fun of my attempts to draw; and it will be good for you.”
“I’ll never laugh at anything you do,” he answered. “I’ll be an artist, and I’ll do things.”
“I'll never laugh at anything you do,” he replied. “I'll be an artist, and I'll create things.”
“Artists always want money, don’t they?”
“Artists always want money, right?”
“I’ve got a hundred and twenty pounds a year of my own. My guardians tell me I’m to have it when I come of age. That will be enough to begin with.”
“I have a hundred and twenty pounds a year of my own. My guardians say I’ll get it when I turn eighteen. That should be enough to start with.”
“Ah, I’m rich,” said Maisie. “I’ve got three hundred a year all my own when I’m twenty-one. That’s why Mrs. Jennett is kinder to me than she is to you. I wish, though, that I had somebody that belonged to me,—just a father or a mother.”
“Ah, I’m rich,” said Maisie. “I’ll have three hundred a year all to myself when I turn twenty-one. That’s why Mrs. Jennett is nicer to me than she is to you. I just wish I had someone who belonged to me—a father or a mother.”
“You belong to me,” said Dick, “for ever and ever.”
“You're mine,” Dick said, “forever and ever.”
“Yes, we belong—for ever. It’s very nice.” She squeezed his arm. The kindly darkness hid them both, and, emboldened because he could only just see the profile of Maisie’s cheek with the long lashes veiling the gray eyes, Dick at the front door delivered himself of the words he had been boggling over for the last two hours.
“Yes, we belong together—forever. It’s really nice.” She squeezed his arm. The gentle darkness concealed them both, and feeling braver since he could only just make out the outline of Maisie’s cheek with the long lashes shading her gray eyes, Dick at the front door finally spoke the words he had been struggling with for the past two hours.
“And I—love you, Maisie,” he said, in a whisper that seemed to him to ring across the world,—the world that he would to-morrow or the next day set out to conquer.
“And I—love you, Maisie,” he said, in a whisper that felt like it echoed across the world—the world that he would conquer tomorrow or the next day.
There was a scene, not, for the sake of discipline, to be reported, when Mrs. Jennett would have fallen upon him, first for disgraceful unpunctuality, and secondly for nearly killing himself with a forbidden weapon.
There was a moment, not to be reported for the sake of discipline, when Mrs. Jennett would have confronted him, first for his embarrassing tardiness, and secondly for almost injuring himself with a prohibited weapon.
“I was playing with it, and it went off by itself,” said Dick, when the powder-pocked cheek could no longer be hidden, “but if you think you’re going to lick me you’re wrong. You are never going to touch me again.
“I was messing around with it, and it went off by itself,” said Dick, when the gunpowder-stained cheek could no longer be concealed, “but if you think you’re going to beat me, you’re wrong. You will never get to touch me again."
Sit down and give me my tea. You can’t cheat us out of that, anyhow.”
Sit down and bring me my tea. You can't take that away from us, anyway.
Mrs. Jennett gasped and became livid. Maisie said nothing, but encouraged Dick with her eyes, and he behaved abominably all that evening. Mrs. Jennett prophesied an immediate judgment of Providence and a descent into Tophet later, but Dick walked in Paradise and would not hear. Only when he was going to bed Mrs. Jennett recovered and asserted herself. He had bidden Maisie good-night with down-dropped eyes and from a distance.
Mrs. Jennett gasped and turned furious. Maisie said nothing but urged Dick on with her eyes, and he acted terribly all evening. Mrs. Jennett predicted an immediate punishment from God and a later descent into hell, but Dick felt like he was in paradise and wouldn’t listen. It was only when he was heading to bed that Mrs. Jennett regained her composure and stood her ground. He had said goodnight to Maisie with his eyes down and from a distance.
“If you aren’t a gentleman you might try to behave like one,” said Mrs.
“If you’re not a gentleman, you might want to try acting like one,” said Mrs.
Jennett, spitefully. “You’ve been quarrelling with Maisie again.”
Jennett, bitterly. “You’re fighting with Maisie again.”
This meant that the usual good-night kiss had been omitted. Maisie, white to the lips, thrust her cheek forward with a fine air of indifference, and was duly pecked by Dick, who tramped out of the room red as fire. That night he dreamed a wild dream. He had won all the world and brought it to Maisie in a cartridge-box, but she turned it over with her foot, and, instead of saying “Thank you,” cried—“Where is the grass collar you promised for Amomma? Oh, how selfish you are!”
This meant that the usual good-night kiss was skipped. Maisie, pale and tense, pushed her cheek forward with an air of indifference, and Dick, all flushed, gave her a quick peck before stomping out of the room. That night he had a wild dream. He had conquered the world and delivered it to Maisie in a cartridge box, but she kicked it aside and, instead of saying "Thank you," exclaimed, "Where's the grass collar you promised for Amomma? Oh, how selfish you are!"
CHAPTER II
Then we brought the lances down, then the bugles blew,
When we went to Kandahar, ridin’ two an’ two,
Ridin’, ridin’, ridin’, two an’ two,
Ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra,
All the way to Kandahar, ridin’ two an’ two.
—Barrack-Room Ballad.
Then we lowered our lances, and the bugles sounded,
When we headed to Kandahar, riding two by two,
Riding, riding, riding, two by two,
Ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra,
All the way to Kandahar, riding two by two.
—Barrack-Room Ballad.
“I’m not angry with the British public, but I wish we had a few thousand of them scattered among these rooks. They wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get at their morning papers then. Can’t you imagine the regulation householder—Lover of Justice, Constant Reader, Paterfamilias, and all that lot—frizzling on hot gravel?”
“I’m not mad at the British public, but I wish we had a few thousand of them mixed in with these crows. They wouldn’t be in such a rush to grab their morning papers then. Can’t you picture the typical homeowner—Justice Lover, Constant Reader, Family Man, and all those kinds—sizzling on hot gravel?”
“With a blue veil over his head, and his clothes in strips. Has any man here a needle? I’ve got a piece of sugar-sack.”
“With a blue veil on his head and his clothes in tatters. Does anyone here have a needle? I’ve got a piece of sugar sack.”
“I’ll lend you a packing-needle for six square inches of it then. Both my knees are worn through.”
“I’ll lend you a packing needle for six square inches of it then. Both my knees are worn out.”
“Why not six square acres, while you’re about it? But lend me the needle, and I’ll see what I can do with the selvage. I don’t think there’s enough to protect my royal body from the cold blast as it is. What are you doing with that everlasting sketch-book of yours, Dick?”
“Why not make it six square acres while you’re at it? But hand me the needle, and I’ll see what I can do with the edge. I don’t think there’s enough to keep my royal body warm from the cold wind as it is. What are you doing with that never-ending sketchbook of yours, Dick?”
“Study of our Special Correspondent repairing his wardrobe,” said Dick, gravely, as the other man kicked off a pair of sorely worn riding-breeches and began to fit a square of coarse canvas over the most obvious open space. He grunted disconsolately as the vastness of the void developed itself.
“Study of our Special Correspondent fixing his clothes,” said Dick seriously, as the other man kicked off a pair of badly worn riding pants and started to fit a piece of rough canvas over the largest open area. He grunted unhappily as the size of the gap became clear.
“Sugar-bags, indeed! Hi! you pilot man there! lend me all the sails for that whale-boat.”
“Sugar-bags, really! Hey! You over there, the pilot! Give me all the sails for that whale boat.”
A fez-crowned head bobbed up in the stern-sheets, divided itself into exact halves with one flashing grin, and bobbed down again. The man of the tattered breeches, clad only in a Norfolk jacket and a gray flannel shirt, went on with his clumsy sewing, while Dick chuckled over the sketch.
A fez-wearing head popped up in the back seat, split into two with a big grin, and then disappeared again. The guy in the ripped pants, dressed only in a Norfolk jacket and a gray flannel shirt, continued his awkward sewing, while Dick laughed at the drawing.
Some twenty whale-boats were nuzzling a sand-bank which was dotted with English soldiery of half a dozen corps, bathing or washing their clothes. A heap of boat-rollers, commissariat-boxes, sugar-bags, and flour- and small-arm-ammunition-cases showed where one of the whale-boats had been compelled to unload hastily; and a regimental carpenter was swearing aloud as he tried, on a wholly insufficient allowance of white lead, to plaster up the sun-parched gaping seams of the boat herself.
Some twenty whale boats were nestled on a sandbank where a few dozen English soldiers from different regiments were bathing or washing their clothes. A pile of boat rollers, supply boxes, sugar bags, and cases of flour and small arms ammunition indicated where one of the whale boats had to unload in a hurry. A regimental carpenter was loudly cursing as he attempted, with barely enough white lead, to patch up the sun-dried, gaping seams of the boat itself.
“First the bloomin’ rudder snaps,” said he to the world in general; “then the mast goes; an’ then, s’ “help me, when she can’t do nothin’ else, she opens ’erself out like a cock-eyes Chinese lotus.”
“First the darn rudder breaks,” he said to everyone in general; “then the mast goes; and then, I swear, when she can’t do anything else, she spreads out like a crazy-eyed Chinese lotus.”
“Exactly the case with my breeches, whoever you are,” said the tailor, without looking up. “Dick, I wonder when I shall see a decent shop again.”
“Just like my pants, whoever you are,” said the tailor, not looking up. “Dick, I’m curious when I’ll see a good shop again.”
There was no answer, save the incessant angry murmur of the Nile as it raced round a basalt-walled bend and foamed across a rock-ridge half a mile upstream. It was as though the brown weight of the river would drive the white men back to their own country. The indescribable scent of Nile mud in the air told that the stream was falling and the next few miles would be no light thing for the whale-boats to overpass. The desert ran down almost to the banks, where, among gray, red, and black hillocks, a camel-corps was encamped. No man dared even for a day lose touch of the slow-moving boats; there had been no fighting for weeks past, and throughout all that time the Nile had never spared them. Rapid had followed rapid, rock rock, and island-group island-group, till the rank and file had long since lost all count of direction and very nearly of time. They were moving somewhere, they did not know why, to do something, they did not know what. Before them lay the Nile, and at the other end of it was one Gordon, fighting for the dear life, in a town called Khartoum. There were columns of British troops in the desert, or in one of the many deserts; there were yet more columns waiting to embark on the river; there were fresh drafts waiting at Assioot and Assuan; there were lies and rumours running over the face of the hopeless land from Suakin to the Sixth Cataract, and men supposed generally that there must be some one in authority to direct the general scheme of the many movements. The duty of that particular river-column was to keep the whale-boats afloat in the water, to avoid trampling on the villagers’ crops when the gangs “tracked’ the boats with lines thrown from midstream, to get as much sleep and food as was possible, and, above all, to press on without delay in the teeth of the churning Nile.
There was no response, except for the constant angry murmur of the Nile as it raced around a basalt-walled bend and foamed over a rocky ridge half a mile upstream. It felt as if the heavy brown current of the river would push the white men back to their own country. The indescribable smell of Nile mud in the air indicated that the water was dropping, and the next few miles would be a challenge for the whale boats to navigate. The desert stretched almost to the riverbanks, where, among gray, red, and black hills, a camel unit was camped. No one dared to lose sight of the slow-moving boats, even for a day; there had been no fighting for weeks, and during that time the Nile had continued to give them no breaks. Rapid followed rapid, rock after rock, and island after island, until the crews had completely lost track of direction and nearly of time. They were going somewhere, but they didn’t know why, to do something, but they didn’t know what. Ahead of them was the Nile, and at the other end was a man named Gordon, fighting for his life in a town called Khartoum. There were columns of British troops in the desert, or one of the many deserts; even more columns were waiting to board boats on the river; fresh troop drafts were waiting at Assioot and Assuan; rumors and falsehoods spread across the desolate land from Suakin to the Sixth Cataract, and people generally assumed there must be someone in charge, directing the various movements. The job of that particular river column was to keep the whale boats afloat, to avoid damaging the villagers’ crops when the crews pulled the boats with lines thrown from midstream, to get as much sleep and food as possible, and, above all, to move forward without hesitation against the raging Nile.
With the soldiers sweated and toiled the correspondents of the newspapers, and they were almost as ignorant as their companions. But it was above all things necessary that England at breakfast should be amused and thrilled and interested, whether Gordon lived or died, or half the British army went to pieces in the sands. The Soudan campaign was a picturesque one, and lent itself to vivid word-painting. Now and again a “Special’ managed to get slain,—which was not altogether a disadvantage to the paper that employed him,—and more often the hand-to-hand nature of the fighting allowed of miraculous escapes which were worth telegraphing home at eighteenpence the word. There were many correspondents with many corps and columns,—from the veterans who had followed on the heels of the cavalry that occupied Cairo in ’82, what time Arabi Pasha called himself king, who had seen the first miserable work round Suakin when the sentries were cut up nightly and the scrub swarmed with spears, to youngsters jerked into the business at the end of a telegraph-wire to take the places of their betters killed or invalided.
As the soldiers struggled and worked hard, the newspaper correspondents were almost just as clueless as those they accompanied. But it was crucial that England, during breakfast, felt entertained, excited, and engaged, whether Gordon lived or died, or if half the British army fell apart in the sands. The Sudan campaign was visually striking and provided great material for storytelling. Now and then, a "Special" reporter would be killed—which wasn’t entirely bad for the paper that employed him—and more often, the close-quarters fighting allowed for miraculous escapes that were worth sending back home at eighteen pence a word. There were many correspondents attached to different corps and columns—from seasoned reporters who had followed the cavalry into Cairo in '82, when Arabi Pasha declared himself king, and who had witnessed the grim early actions around Suakin, where sentries were attacked every night and the scrub was full of spears, to young reporters thrust into the role at the end of a telegraph wire to replace those who had been killed or injured.
Among the seniors—those who knew every shift and change in the perplexing postal arrangements, the value of the seediest, weediest Egyptian garron offered for sale in Cairo or Alexandria, who could talk a telegraph-clerk into amiability and soothe the ruffled vanity of a newly appointed staff-officer when press regulations became burdensome—was the man in the flannel shirt, the black-browed Torpenhow. He represented the Central Southern Syndicate in the campaign, as he had represented it in the Egyptian war, and elsewhere. The syndicate did not concern itself greatly with criticisms of attack and the like. It supplied the masses, and all it demanded was picturesqueness and abundance of detail; for there is more joy in England over a soldier who insubordinately steps out of square to rescue a comrade than over twenty generals slaving even to baldness at the gross details of transport and commissariat.
Among the seniors—those who were familiar with every change in the complicated postal system, the worth of the most rundown Egyptian garron available in Cairo or Alexandria, who could charm a telegraph clerk into being friendly and calm the ego of a newly appointed staff officer when press regulations became a hassle—was the man in the flannel shirt, the dark-browed Torpenhow. He represented the Central Southern Syndicate in the campaign, just as he had in the Egyptian war and elsewhere. The syndicate didn't care much about criticisms of attacks and similar issues. It catered to the masses, and all it wanted was visual appeal and plenty of detail; because in England, there's more excitement over a soldier who breaks ranks to save a comrade than over twenty generals working tirelessly to manage the tedious details of transportation and supplies.
He had met at Suakin a young man, sitting on the edge of a recently abandoned redoubt about the size of a hat-box, sketching a clump of shell-torn bodies on the gravel plain.
He had met a young man at Suakin, sitting on the edge of a recently abandoned fort about the size of a hat-box, sketching a group of shell-torn bodies on the gravel plain.
“What are you for?” said Torpenhow. The greeting of the correspondent is that of the commercial traveller on the road.
“What are you here for?” said Torpenhow. The correspondent's greeting is like that of a traveling salesman on the road.
“My own hand,” said the young man, without looking up. “Have you any tobacco?”
“My own hand,” said the young man, not looking up. “Do you have any tobacco?”
Torpenhow waited till the sketch was finished, and when he had looked at it said, “What’s your business here?”
Torpenhow waited until the sketch was done, and after he looked at it, he said, “What are you doing here?”
“Nothing; there was a row, so I came. I’m supposed to be doing something down at the painting-slips among the boats, or else I’m in charge of the condenser on one of the water-ships. I’ve forgotten which.”
“Nothing; there was a fight, so I came. I’m supposed to be doing something down at the painting slips by the boats, or I’m in charge of the condenser on one of the water ships. I can’t remember which.”
“You’ve cheek enough to build a redoubt with,” said Torpenhow, and took stock of the new acquaintance. “Do you always draw like that?”
“You’ve got some guts to build a defense with,” said Torpenhow, sizing up the new acquaintance. “Do you always draw like that?”
The young man produced more sketches. “Row on a Chinese pig-boat,” said he, sententiously, showing them one after another.—“Chief mate dirked by a comprador.—Junk ashore off Hakodate.—Somali muleteer being flogged.—Star-shelled bursting over camp at Berbera.—Slave-dhow being chased round Tajurrah Bah.—Soldier lying dead in the moonlight outside Suakin.—throat cut by Fuzzies.”
The young man showed more sketches. “Rowing on a Chinese junk,” he said seriously, displaying them one after another. “First mate stabbed by a middleman. Junk stranded near Hakodate. Somali mule driver getting whipped. Star shell exploding over the camp at Berbera. Slave ship being chased around Tajurrah Bah. Soldier lying dead in the moonlight outside Suakin. Throat cut by rebels.”
“H’m!” said Torpenhow, “can’t say I care for Verestchagin-and-water myself, but there’s no accounting for tastes. Doing anything now, are you?”
“H’m!” said Torpenhow, “I can’t say I’m a fan of Verestchagin-and-water, but to each their own. Are you up to anything right now?”
“No. I’m amusing myself here.”
“No. I’m having fun here.”
Torpenhow looked at the aching desolation of the place. “Faith, you’ve queer notions of amusement. Got any money?”
Torpenhow looked at the painful emptiness of the place. “Honestly, you have some strange ideas about fun. Do you have any money?”
“Enough to go on with. Look here: do you want me to do war-work?”
“Is that enough to get started? Tell me, do you want me to help with the war effort?”
“I don’t. My syndicate may, though. You can draw more than a little, and I don’t suppose you care much what you get, do you?”
I don’t. My group might, though. You can take more than a little, and I doubt you care much about what you receive, do you?
“Not this time. I want my chance first.”
“Not this time. I want my turn first.”
Torpenhow looked at the sketches again, and nodded. “Yes, you’re right to take your first chance when you can get it.”
Torpenhow looked at the sketches again and nodded. “Yes, you’re right to seize your first opportunity when you can.”
He rode away swiftly through the Gate of the Two War-Ships, rattled across the causeway into the town, and wired to his syndicate, “Got man here, picture-work. Good and cheap. Shall I arrange? Will do letterpress with sketches.”
He rode away quickly through the Gate of the Two War-Ships, rattled across the causeway into town, and messaged his group, “Got a guy here, artwork. Good and cheap. Should I set it up? I’ll do the text with sketches.”
The man on the redoubt sat swinging his legs and murmuring, “I knew the chance would come, sooner or later. By Gad, they’ll have to sweat for it if I come through this business alive!”
The man on the redoubt sat swinging his legs and murmuring, “I knew the opportunity would come, sooner or later. By God, they’ll have to work for it if I get through this alive!”
In the evening Torpenhow was able to announce to his friend that the Central Southern Agency was willing to take him on trial, paying expenses for three months. “And, by the way, what’s your name?” said Torpenhow.
In the evening, Torpenhow was able to tell his friend that the Central Southern Agency was ready to take him on trial, covering expenses for three months. “By the way, what’s your name?” Torpenhow asked.
“Heldar. Do they give me a free hand?”
“Heldar. Do they allow me to do what I want?”
“They’ve taken you on chance. You must justify the choice. You’d better stick to me. I’m going up-country with a column, and I’ll do what I can for you. Give me some of your sketches taken here, and I’ll send ’em along.” To himself he said, “That’s the best bargain the Central southern has ever made; and they got me cheaply enough.”
“They’ve taken a chance on you. You need to justify that choice. You’d better stay close to me. I’m heading upcountry with a group, and I’ll do my best to help you out. Give me some of your sketches from here, and I’ll send them along.” To himself, he thought, “That’s the best deal the Central Southern has ever made; and they got me for a good price.”
So it came to pass that, after some purchase of horse-flesh and arrangements financial and political, Dick was made free of the New and Honourable Fraternity of war correspondents, who all possess the inalienable right of doing as much work as they can and getting as much for it as Providence and their owners shall please. To these things are added in time, if the brother be worthy, the power of glib speech that neither man nor woman can resist when a meal or a bed is in question, the eye of a horse-cope, the skill of a cook, the constitution of a bullock, the digestion of an ostrich, and an infinite adaptability to all circumstances. But many die before they attain to this degree, and the past-masters in the craft appear for the most part in dress-clothes when they are in England, and thus their glory is hidden from the multitude.
So it happened that, after buying some horses and making financial and political arrangements, Dick became a member of the New and Honourable Fraternity of war correspondents, who all have the undeniable right to work as hard as they can and get as much compensation as fate and their employers allow. Over time, if a member is worthy, they also gain the gift of eloquence that neither man nor woman can resist when it comes to food or a place to sleep, the keen eye of a horse trader, the culinary skills of a chef, the constitution of an ox, the digestion of an ostrich, and an endless ability to adapt to any situation. However, many do not reach this level, and the masters of the craft mostly appear in formal attire when they are in England, and so their greatness remains hidden from the public.
Dick followed Torpenhow wherever the latter’s fancy chose to lead him, and between the two they managed to accomplish some work that almost satisfied themselves. It was not an easy life in any way, and under its influence the two were drawn very closely together, for they ate from the same dish, they shared the same water-bottle, and, most binding tie of all, their mails went off together. It was Dick who managed to make gloriously drunk a telegraph-clerk in a palm hut far beyond the Second Cataract, and, while the man lay in bliss on the floor, possessed himself of some laboriously acquired exclusive information, forwarded by a confiding correspondent of an opposition syndicate, made a careful duplicate of the matter, and brought the result to Torpenhow, who said that all was fair in love or war correspondence, and built an excellent descriptive article from his rival’s riotous waste of words. It was Torpenhow who—but the tale of their adventures, together and apart, from Philae to the waste wilderness of Herawi and Muella, would fill many books. They had been penned into a square side by side, in deadly fear of being shot by over-excited soldiers; they had fought with baggage-camels in the chill dawn; they had jogged along in silence under blinding sun on indefatigable little Egyptian horses; and they had floundered on the shallows of the Nile when the whale-boat in which they had found a berth chose to hit a hidden rock and rip out half her bottom-planks.
Dick followed Torpenhow wherever he wanted to go, and together they got some work done that nearly pleased them. It wasn’t an easy life at all, and through it, they grew very close, sharing meals from the same dish, drinking from the same water bottle, and, most importantly, sending their mail together. It was Dick who got a telegraph clerk in a palm hut far beyond the Second Cataract gloriously drunk, and while the guy lay passed out on the floor, he managed to get his hands on some hard-earned exclusive information sent by a trusting correspondent from a rival syndicate, made a careful copy of it, and brought it to Torpenhow, who said that everything was fair in love or war correspondence and created a great descriptive article from his rival’s chaotic ramblings. It was Torpenhow who—but the story of their adventures, both together and apart, from Philae to the desolate wilderness of Herawi and Muella, could fill many books. They had been stuck in a small space side by side, in constant fear of being shot by overly fired-up soldiers; they had battled with baggage camels in the chilly dawn; they had ridden in silence under the blazing sun on tireless little Egyptian horses; and they had struggled through the shallow parts of the Nile when the whale boat they were in decided to hit a hidden rock and rip out half its bottom planks.
Now they were sitting on the sand-bank, and the whale-boats were bringing up the remainder of the column.
Now they were sitting on the sandbank, and the whale boats were bringing up the rest of the group.
“Yes,” said Torpenhow, as he put the last rude stitches into his over-long-neglected gear, “it has been a beautiful business.”
“Yes,” said Torpenhow, as he added the final rough stitches to his long-neglected gear, “it's been quite an adventure.”
“The patch or the campaign?” said Dick. “Don’t think much of either, myself.”
“The patch or the campaign?” Dick said. “I’m not a fan of either, to be honest.”
“You want the Euryalus brought up above the Third Cataract, don’t you? and eighty-one-ton guns at Jakdul? Now, I’m quite satisfied with my breeches.” He turned round gravely to exhibit himself, after the manner of a clown.
“You want the Euryalus brought up above the Third Cataract, right? And eighty-one-ton guns at Jakdul? Now, I’m perfectly happy with my pants.” He turned around seriously to show himself off, like a clown.
“It’s very pretty. Specially the lettering on the sack. G.B.T. Government Bullock Train. That’s a sack from India.”
“It’s really beautiful. Especially the lettering on the bag. G.B.T. Government Bullock Train. That’s a bag from India.”
“It’s my initials,—Gilbert Belling Torpenhow. I stole the cloth on purpose.
“It’s my initials—Gilbert Belling Torpenhow. I stole the cloth on purpose."
What the mischief are the camel-corps doing yonder?” Torpenhow shaded his eyes and looked across the scrub-strewn gravel.
What on earth are the camel corps doing over there?” Torpenhow shielded his eyes and looked across the scrub-covered gravel.
A bugle blew furiously, and the men on the bank hurried to their arms and accoutrements.
A bugle sounded loudly, and the men on the bank rushed to grab their weapons and gear.
““Pisan soldiery surprised while bathing,”’ remarked Dick, calmly.
“‘Pisan soldiers caught off guard while bathing,’” Dick remarked calmly.
“D’you remember the picture? It’s by Michael Angelo; all beginners copy it. That scrub’s alive with enemy.”
“Do you remember the painting? It’s by Michelangelo; all beginners copy it. That guy is full of enemies.”
The camel-corps on the bank yelled to the infantry to come to them, and a hoarse shouting down the river showed that the remainder of the column had wind of the trouble and was hastening to take share in it. As swiftly as a reach of still water is crisped by the wind, the rock-strewn ridges and scrub-topped hills were troubled and alive with armed men.
The camel corps on the bank called out to the infantry to join them, and a loud shout down the river indicated that the rest of the column had caught wind of the situation and was rushing to join in. Just like the still water ripples when the wind blows, the rocky ridges and scrub-covered hills became stirred and filled with armed men.
Mercifully, it occurred to these to stand far off for a time, to shout and gesticulate joyously. One man even delivered himself of a long story. The camel-corps did not fire. They were only too glad of a little breathing-space, until some sort of square could be formed. The men on the sand-bank ran to their side; and the whale-boats, as they toiled up within shouting distance, were thrust into the nearest bank and emptied of all save the sick and a few men to guard them. The Arab orator ceased his outcries, and his friends howled.
Thankfully, they decided to stay back for a while, cheering and waving happily. One guy even shared a long story. The camel corps didn’t shoot. They were more than happy for a moment to catch their breath until they could form some kind of square. The men on the sandbank rushed to join them; and the whale boats, as they struggled closer, were pushed into the nearest bank and emptied of everyone except the sick and a few men to keep watch over them. The Arab speaker stopped his shouting, and his friends screamed in response.
“They look like the Mahdi’s men,” said Torpenhow, elbowing himself into the crush of the square; “but what thousands of ’em there are! The tribes hereabout aren’t against us, I know.”
“They look like the Mahdi's followers,” Torpenhow said, squeezing his way through the crowd in the square; “but there are so many of them! I know the tribes around here aren’t against us.”
“Then the Mahdi’s taken another town,” said Dick, “and set all these yelping devils free to show us up. Lend us your glass.”
“Then the Mahdi's taken another town,” said Dick, “and let all these yelling devils loose to show us up. Can you lend us your binoculars?”
“Our scouts should have told us of this. We’ve been trapped,” said a subaltern. “Aren’t the camel guns ever going to begin? Hurry up, you men!”
“Our scouts should have informed us about this. We’re stuck,” said a junior officer. “Aren’t the camel guns going to start firing? Come on, you guys!”
There was no need of any order. The men flung themselves panting against the sides of the square, for they had good reason to know that whoso was left outside when the fighting began would very probably die in an extremely unpleasant fashion. The little hundred-and-fifty-pound camel-guns posted at one corner of the square opened the ball as the square moved forward by its right to get possession of a knoll of rising ground. All had fought in this manner many times before, and there was no novelty in the entertainment; always the same hot and stifling formation, the smell of dust and leather, the same boltlike rush of the enemy, the same pressure on the weakest side, the few minutes of hand-to-hand scuffle, and then the silence of the desert, broken only by the yells of those whom their handful of cavalry attempted to pursue. They had become careless. The camel-guns spoke at intervals, and the square slouched forward amid the protesting of the camels. Then came the attack of three thousand men who had not learned from books that it is impossible for troops in close order to attack against breech-loading fire.
There was no need for any orders. The men threw themselves, panting, against the sides of the square, knowing that anyone left outside when the fighting started would likely die in a very unpleasant way. The little 150-pound camel guns at one corner of the square fired the first shot as the square moved forward to take a knoll. They had fought this way many times before, and there was nothing new about it; always the same hot and suffocating formation, the smell of dust and leather, the same quick rush of the enemy, the same pressure on the weakest side, a few minutes of close combat, and then the silence of the desert, broken only by the cries of those their handful of cavalry tried to chase down. They had grown careless. The camel guns fired at intervals, and the square trudged forward with the camels complaining. Then came the attack of three thousand men who hadn’t learned from books that it’s impossible for troops in formation to attack against breech-loading fire.
A few dropping shots heralded their approach, and a few horsemen led, but the bulk of the force was naked humanity, mad with rage, and armed with the spear and the sword. The instinct of the desert, where there is always much war, told them that the right flank of the square was the weakest, for they swung clear of the front. The camel-guns shelled them as they passed and opened for an instant lanes through their midst, most like those quick-closing vistas in a Kentish hop-garden seen when the train races by at full speed; and the infantry fire, held till the opportune moment, dropped them in close-packing hundreds. No civilised troops in the world could have endured the hell through which they came, the living leaping high to avoid the dying who clutched at their heels, the wounded cursing and staggering forward, till they fell—a torrent black as the sliding water above a mill-dam—full on the right flank of the square.
A few shots signaled their approach, and some horsemen led the way, but most of the force was just people, driven wild with rage, armed with spears and swords. The instinct of the desert, where there is often conflict, told them that the right side of the square was the weakest, so they moved past the front. The camel guns fired at them as they passed, temporarily creating openings through their ranks, reminiscent of the quick-closing views in a Kentish hop garden seen when a train speeds by; and the infantry waited for the right moment before opening fire, dropping them in tightly-packed hundreds. No trained soldiers in the world could have withstood the hell they went through, with the living jumping high to avoid the dying who grabbed at their heels, the wounded cursing and struggling forward until they fell—a torrent as dark as the rushing water over a mill dam—directly onto the right flank of the square.
Then the line of the dusty troops and the faint blue desert sky overhead went out in rolling smoke, and the little stones on the heated ground and the tinder-dry clumps of scrub became matters of surpassing interest, for men measured their agonised retreat and recovery by these things, counting mechanically and hewing their way back to chosen pebble and branch. There was no semblance of any concerted fighting. For aught the men knew, the enemy might be attempting all four sides of the square at once. Their business was to destroy what lay in front of them, to bayonet in the back those who passed over them, and, dying, to drag down the slayer till he could be knocked on the head by some avenging gun-butt.
Then the line of dusty soldiers and the faint blue desert sky above disappeared into swirling smoke, and the small stones on the hot ground along with the dry clumps of bushes became incredibly important. The men measured their painful retreat and recovery by these things, counting mindlessly and carving their way back to specific stones and branches. There was no sign of any coordinated fighting. For all the men knew, the enemy could be attacking from all sides at once. Their task was to destroy everything in front of them, to stab in the back anyone who got past them, and, if they were dying, to take down their killer until someone could smash him with a rifle butt.
Dick waited with Torpenhow and a young doctor till the stress grew unendurable. It was hopeless to attend to the wounded till the attack was repulsed, so the three moved forward gingerly towards the weakest side of the square. There was a rush from without, the short hough-hough of the stabbing spears, and a man on a horse, followed by thirty or forty others, dashed through, yelling and hacking. The right flank of the square sucked in after them, and the other sides sent help. The wounded, who knew that they had but a few hours more to live, caught at the enemy’s feet and brought them down, or, staggering into a discarded rifle, fired blindly into the scuffle that raged in the centre of the square.
Dick waited with Torpenhow and a young doctor until the tension became unbearable. It was pointless to tend to the wounded until the attack was pushed back, so the three of them cautiously moved toward the weakest part of the square. Suddenly, there was a surge from outside, the sharp hough-hough of stabbing spears, and a man on a horse, followed by thirty or forty others, rushed in, yelling and slashing. The right side of the square recoiled after them, while the other sides offered support. The wounded, aware that they had only a few hours left to live, grabbed at the enemy's feet to bring them down or, staggering towards an abandoned rifle, fired blindly into the chaos that erupted in the center of the square.
Dick was conscious that somebody had cut him violently across his helmet, that he had fired his revolver into a black, foam-flecked face which forthwith ceased to bear any resemblance to a face, and that Torpenhow had gone down under an Arab whom he had tried to “collar low,” and was turning over and over with his captive, feeling for the man’s eyes. The doctor jabbed at a venture with a bayonet, and a helmetless soldier fired over Dick’s shoulder: the flying grains of powder stung his cheek. It was to Torpenhow that Dick turned by instinct. The representative of the Central Southern Syndicate had shaken himself clear of his enemy, and rose, wiping his thumb on his trousers. The Arab, both hands to his forehead, screamed aloud, then snatched up his spear and rushed at Torpenhow, who was panting under shelter of Dick’s revolver. Dick fired twice, and the man dropped limply. His upturned face lacked one eye. The musketry-fire redoubled, but cheers mingled with it. The rush had failed and the enemy were flying. If the heart of the square were shambles, the ground beyond was a butcher’s shop. Dick thrust his way forward between the maddened men. The remnant of the enemy were retiring, as the few—the very few—English cavalry rode down the laggards.
Dick realized that someone had slashed him aggressively across his helmet, that he had fired his revolver into a grim, frothy face that quickly no longer looked human, and that Torpenhow had fallen beneath an Arab he had tried to grab low, grappling and rolling with his captive while searching for the man’s eyes. The doctor lunged unpredictably with a bayonet, and a soldier without a helmet shot over Dick's shoulder, the flying gunpowder grains stinging his cheek. Dick instinctively turned to Torpenhow. The representative of the Central Southern Syndicate had freed himself from his opponent and stood up, wiping his thumb on his pants. The Arab, hands to his forehead, screamed loudly, then grabbed his spear and charged at Torpenhow, who was panting under the cover of Dick's revolver. Dick fired twice, and the man fell limply. His upturned face was missing one eye. The gunfire intensified, but cheers mixed with it. The attack had failed, and the enemy was retreating. While the center of the square was chaos, the area beyond resembled a slaughterhouse. Dick pushed his way forward through the frenzied soldiers. The remaining enemies were pulling back, as the few—very few—English cavalry charged after the stragglers.
Beyond the lines of the dead, a broad blood-stained Arab spear cast aside in the retreat lay across a stump of scrub, and beyond this again the illimitable dark levels of the desert. The sun caught the steel and turned it into a red disc. Some one behind him was saying, “Ah, get away, you brute!” Dick raised his revolver and pointed towards the desert. His eye was held by the red splash in the distance, and the clamour about him seemed to die down to a very far-away whisper, like the whisper of a level sea. There was the revolver and the red light.... and the voice of some one scaring something away, exactly as had fallen somewhere before,—a darkness that stung. He fired at random, and the bullet went out across the desert as he muttered, “Spoilt my aim. There aren’t any more cartridges. We shall have to run home.” He put his hand to his head and brought it away covered with blood.
Beyond the lines of the dead, a wide, blood-stained Arab spear lay abandoned on a scrub stump, and beyond that, the endless dark expanse of the desert stretched out. The sun caught the steel and turned it into a red disc. Someone behind him was saying, “Ah, get away, you brute!” Dick raised his revolver and aimed toward the desert. His gaze was fixed on the red spot in the distance, and the noise around him faded to a distant whisper, like the sound of a calm sea. There was the revolver and the red light... and the voice of someone scaring something away, just like something he had experienced before—an overwhelming darkness that stung. He fired randomly, and the bullet flew out across the desert as he muttered, “Spoilt my aim. There aren’t any more cartridges. We’ll have to run home.” He touched his head and found it covered in blood.
“Old man, you’re cut rather badly,” said Torpenhow. “I owe you something for this business. Thanks. Stand up! I say, you can’t be ill here.”
“Old man, you’re hurt pretty badly,” said Torpenhow. “I owe you something for this. Thanks. Get up! I mean it, you can’t be sick here.”
Throughout the night, when the troops were encamped by the whale-boats, a black figure danced in the strong moonlight on the sand-bar and shouted that Khartoum the accursed one was dead,—was dead,—was dead,—that two steamers were rock-staked on the Nile outside the city, and that of all their crews there remained not one; and Khartoum was dead,—was dead,—was dead!
Throughout the night, while the troops were camped by the whale boats, a dark figure danced in the bright moonlight on the sandbar and shouted that Khartoum the cursed was dead—was dead—was dead—that two steamers were stuck on the Nile outside the city, and that none of their crews were left; and Khartoum was dead—was dead—was dead!
But Torpenhow took no heed. He was watching Dick, who called aloud to the restless Nile for Maisie,—and again Maisie!
But Torpenhow paid no attention. He was watching Dick, who shouted to the restless Nile for Maisie—and again for Maisie!
“Behold a phenomenon,” said Torpenhow, rearranging the blanket. “Here is a man, presumably human, who mentions the name of one woman only. And I’ve seen a good deal of delirium, too.—Dick, here’s some fizzy drink.”
“Check out this situation,” said Torpenhow, fixing the blanket. “Here’s a guy, who seems to be human, mentioning the name of only one woman. And I’ve seen quite a bit of craziness, too. —Dick, here’s some fizzy drink.”
“Thank you, Maisie,” said Dick.
"Thanks, Maisie," said Dick.
CHAPTER III
So he thinks he shall take to the sea again
For one more cruise with his buccaneers,
To singe the beard of the King of Spain,
And capture another Dean of Jaen
And sell him in Algiers.—A Dutch Picture.—Longfellow
So he thinks he'll head to the sea again
For one more journey with his pirates,
To singe the beard of the King of Spain,
And capture another Dean of Jaen
And sell him in Algiers.—A Dutch Picture.—Longfellow
The Soudan campaign and Dick’s broken head had been some months ended and mended, and the Central Southern Syndicate had paid Dick a certain sum on account for work done, which work they were careful to assure him was not altogether up to their standard. Dick heaved the letter into the Nile at Cairo, cashed the draft in the same town, and bade a warm farewell to Torpenhow at the station.
The Sudan campaign and Dick’s head injury were a few months behind him, and the Central Southern Syndicate had paid Dick a partial amount for the work he completed, which they made sure to tell him didn’t completely meet their standards. Dick threw the letter into the Nile in Cairo, cashed the check in the same city, and said a heartfelt goodbye to Torpenhow at the station.
“I am going to lie up for a while and rest,” said Torpenhow. “I don’t know where I shall live in London, but if God brings us to meet, we shall meet. Are you staying here on the off-chance of another row? There will be none till the Southern Soudan is reoccupied by our troops. Mark that. Good-bye; bless you; come back when your money’s spent; and give me your address.”
“I’m going to lie down for a bit and rest,” said Torpenhow. “I’m not sure where I'll stay in London, but if we’re meant to meet again, we will. Are you staying here just in case there’s another fight? There won’t be any until our troops are back in the Southern Sudan. Remember that. Goodbye; take care; come back when you’ve run out of money; and give me your address.”
Dick loitered in Cairo, Alexandria, Ismailia, and Port Said,—especially Port Said. There is iniquity in many parts of the world, and vice in all, but the concentrated essence of all the iniquities and all the vices in all the continents finds itself at Port Said. And through the heart of that sand-bordered hell, where the mirage flickers day long above the Bitter Lake, move, if you will only wait, most of the men and women you have known in this life. Dick established himself in quarters more riotous than respectable. He spent his evenings on the quay, and boarded many ships, and saw very many friends,—gracious Englishwomen with whom he had talked not too wisely in the veranda of Shepherd’s Hotel, hurrying war correspondents, skippers of the contract troop-ships employed in the campaign, army officers by the score, and others of less reputable trades.
Dick hung around Cairo, Alexandria, Ismailia, and especially Port Said. There’s wrongdoing in many parts of the world, and vice everywhere, but the worst of all the wrongs and vices from every continent can be found in Port Said. And through the heart of that gritty hell, where the mirage dances all day above the Bitter Lake, you can find most of the people you’ve ever known in this life if you just wait a bit. Dick set himself up in a place that was more chaotic than respectable. He spent his evenings by the quay, hopped on many ships, and met a lot of friends—charming Englishwomen he had chatted with a bit too openly on the veranda of Shepherd’s Hotel, hurried war correspondents, captains of the troop ships used in the campaign, army officers by the dozen, and others with less respectable professions.
He had choice of all the races of the East and West for studies, and the advantage of seeing his subjects under the influence of strong excitement, at the gaming-tables, saloons, dancing-hells, and elsewhere. For recreation there was the straight vista of the Canal, the blazing sands, the procession of shipping, and the white hospitals where the English soldiers lay. He strove to set down in black and white and colour all that Providence sent him, and when that supply was ended sought about for fresh material. It was a fascinating employment, but it ran away with his money, and he had drawn in advance the hundred and twenty pounds to which he was entitled yearly. “Now I shall have to work and starve!” thought he, and was addressing himself to this new fate when a mysterious telegram arrived from Torpenhow in England, which said, “Come back, quick; you have caught on. Come.”
He had the option of studying all the cultures of the East and West, and he got to observe his subjects in the midst of strong emotions, at gaming tables, bars, dance halls, and other places. For leisure, there was the clear view of the Canal, the blazing sands, the flow of ships, and the white hospitals where the English soldiers were. He aimed to capture everything that Providence sent his way in writing and in color, and when that supply ran out, he looked for new material. It was an engaging pursuit, but it drained his finances, and he had already taken an advance on the one hundred and twenty pounds he was entitled to each year. “Now I’ll have to work and struggle!” he thought, and was beginning to prepare for this new reality when he received a puzzling telegram from Torpenhow in England, which said, “Come back, quick; you’ve made it. Come.”
A large smile overspread his face. “So soon! that’s a good hearing,” said he to himself. “There will be an orgy to-night. I’ll stand or fall by my luck. Faith, it’s time it came!” He deposited half of his funds in the hands of his well-known friends Monsieur and Madame Binat, and ordered himself a Zanzibar dance of the finest. Monsieur Binat was shaking with drink, but Madame smiles sympathetically—“Monsieur needs a chair, of course, and of course Monsieur will sketch; Monsieur amuses himself strangely.”
A big smile spread across his face. “So soon! That’s a good sign,” he said to himself. “There’s going to be a party tonight. I’ll either succeed or fail based on my luck. Honestly, it’s about time!” He handed over half of his money to his familiar friends Monsieur and Madame Binat and ordered an exquisite Zanzibar dance for himself. Monsieur Binat was swaying from drinking, but Madame smiled warmly—“Monsieur needs a seat, naturally, and of course, Monsieur will sketch; Monsieur finds entertainment in unusual ways.”
Binat raised a blue-white face from a cot in the inner room. “I understand,” he quavered. “We all know Monsieur. Monsieur is an artist, as I have been.” Dick nodded. “In the end,” said Binat, with gravity, “Monsieur will descend alive into hell, as I have descended.” And he laughed.
Binat lifted a pale blue-white face from a bed in the back room. “I get it,” he said, his voice shaking. “We all know Monsieur. Monsieur is an artist, just like I used to be.” Dick nodded. “In the end,” Binat said seriously, “Monsieur will go down alive into hell, just like I have.” And then he laughed.
“You must come to the dance, too,” said Dick; “I shall want you.”
“You have to come to the dance, too,” said Dick; “I’ll need you.”
“For my face? I knew it would be so. For my face? My God! and for my degradation so tremendous! I will not. Take him away. He is a devil. Or at least do thou, Celeste, demand of him more.” The excellent Binat began to kick and scream.
“For my face? I knew this would happen. For my face? Oh my God! And for my incredibly terrible humiliation! I refuse. Get him out of here. He’s a devil. Or at least, you, Celeste, ask him for more.” The excellent Binat then started to kick and scream.
“All things are for sale in Port Said,” said Madame. “If my husband comes it will be so much more. Eh, “how you call—’alf a sovereign.”
“Everything is for sale in Port Said,” said Madame. “If my husband comes, it will be even more. Eh, what do you call it—half a sovereign?”
The money was paid, and the mad dance was held at night in a walled courtyard at the back of Madame Binat’s house. The lady herself, in faded mauve silk always about to slide from her yellow shoulders, played the piano, and to the tin-pot music of a Western waltz the naked Zanzibari girls danced furiously by the light of kerosene lamps. Binat sat upon a chair and stared with eyes that saw nothing, till the whirl of the dance and the clang of the rattling piano stole into the drink that took the place of blood in his veins, and his face glistened. Dick took him by the chin brutally and turned that face to the light. Madame Binat looked over her shoulder and smiled with many teeth. Dick leaned against the wall and sketched for an hour, till the kerosene lamps began to smell, and the girls threw themselves panting on the hard-beaten ground. Then he shut his book with a snap and moved away, Binat plucking feebly at his elbow. “Show me,” he whimpered. “I too was once an artist, even I!” Dick showed him the rough sketch. “Am I that?” he screamed. “Will you take that away with you and show all the world that it is I,—Binat?” He moaned and wept.
The money was paid, and the wild dance took place at night in a walled courtyard behind Madame Binat’s house. The lady herself, in faded mauve silk that was always about to slip off her yellow shoulders, played the piano, while the naked Zanzibari girls danced wildly by the light of kerosene lamps to the tinny music of a Western waltz. Binat sat in a chair with a blank stare, until the chaos of the dance and the clattering piano seeped into the drink that had replaced blood in his veins, and his face began to shine. Dick grabbed him by the chin and turned his face to the light roughly. Madame Binat glanced over her shoulder and smiled broadly. Dick leaned against the wall and sketched for an hour, until the kerosene lamps started to smell, and the girls collapsed, panting, on the hard ground. Then he snapped his book shut and moved away, Binat weakly tugging at his elbow. “Show me,” he pleaded. “I used to be an artist too, even I!” Dick showed him the rough sketch. “Is that me?” he yelled. “Are you really going to take that with you and show the world that it’s me—Binat?” He moaned and cried.
“Monsieur has paid for all,” said Madame. “To the pleasure of seeing Monsieur again.”
“Monsieur has covered everything,” said Madame. “To the joy of seeing Monsieur again.”
The courtyard gate shut, and Dick hurried up the sandy street to the nearest gambling-hell, where he was well known. “If the luck holds, it’s an omen; if I lose, I must stay here.” He placed his money picturesquely about the board, hardly daring to look at what he did. The luck held.
The courtyard gate closed, and Dick rushed up the sandy street to the nearest gambling den, where he was a familiar face. “If luck is on my side, it's a sign; if I lose, I have to stay here.” He spread his money around the board in an eye-catching way, hardly daring to look at what he was doing. Luck was on his side.
Three turns of the wheel left him richer by twenty pounds, and he went down to the shipping to make friends with the captain of a decayed cargo-steamer, who landed him in London with fewer pounds in his pocket than he cared to think about.
Three turns of the wheel made him twenty pounds richer, and he went down to the docks to get to know the captain of an old cargo steamer, who dropped him off in London with fewer pounds in his pocket than he wanted to think about.
A thin gray fog hung over the city, and the streets were very cold; for summer was in England.
A thin gray fog covered the city, and the streets were really cold, even though it was summer in England.
“It’s a cheerful wilderness, and it hasn’t the knack of altering much,” Dick thought, as he tramped from the Docks westward. “Now, what must I do?”
“It’s a cheerful wilderness, and it doesn’t really change much,” Dick thought, as he walked west from the Docks. “Now, what should I do?”
The packed houses gave no answer. Dick looked down the long lightless streets and at the appalling rush of traffic. “Oh, you rabbit-hutches!” said he, addressing a row of highly respectable semi-detached residences. “Do you know what you’ve got to do later on? You have to supply me with men-servants and maid-servants,”—here he smacked his lips,—“and the peculiar treasure of kings. Meantime I’ll find clothes and boots, and presently I will return and trample on you.” He stepped forward energetically; he saw that one of his shoes was burst at the side. As he stooped to make investigations, a man jostled him into the gutter. “All right,” he said.
The crowded houses stayed silent. Dick glanced down the long, dark streets and at the chaotic flow of traffic. “Oh, you rabbit-hutches!” he exclaimed, directing his words at a row of very respectable semi-detached homes. “Do you know what you’ll need to do soon? You have to provide me with servants,”—here he smacked his lips,—“and the rare treasures of kings. In the meantime, I’ll find clothes and boots, and soon I’ll be back to trample over you.” He stepped forward with energy; he noticed one of his shoes was ripped on the side. As he bent down to check it out, a man bumped into him, knocking him into the gutter. “It’s all good,” he said.
“That’s another nick in the score. I’ll jostle you later on.”
“That’s another mark on the scoreboard. I’ll bump into you later.”
Good clothes and boots are not cheap, and Dick left his last shop with the certainty that he would be respectably arrayed for a time, but with only fifty shillings in his pocket. He returned to streets by the Docks, and lodged himself in one room, where the sheets on the bed were almost audibly marked in case of theft, and where nobody seemed to go to bed at all. When his clothes arrived he sought the Central Southern Syndicate for Torpenhow’s address, and got it, with the intimation that there was still some money waiting for him.
Good clothes and boots aren’t cheap, and Dick left his last shop knowing he’d look respectable for a while, but he only had fifty shillings in his pocket. He went back to the streets by the Docks and settled into a room where the sheets on the bed were so worn they practically screamed theft, and where it seemed nobody ever went to sleep. When his clothes arrived, he asked the Central Southern Syndicate for Torpenhow’s address and received it, along with the information that there was still some money waiting for him.
“How much?” said Dick, as one who habitually dealt in millions.
“How much?” asked Dick, someone who usually handled millions.
“Between thirty and forty pounds. If it would be any convenience to you, of course we could let you have it at once; but we usually settle accounts monthly.”
“Between thirty and forty dollars. If it would help you out, we can give it to you right away; but we usually handle payments once a month.”
“If I show that I want anything now, I’m lost,” he said to himself. “All I need I’ll take later on.” Then, aloud, “It’s hardly worth while; and I’m going to the country for a month, too. Wait till I come back, and I’ll see about it.”
“If I show that I want anything now, I’m done for,” he said to himself. “I’ll take what I need later.” Then, aloud, “It’s not really worth it; and I’m going to the countryside for a month, anyway. Let’s wait until I come back, and I’ll figure it out then.”
“But we trust, Mr. Heldar, that you do not intend to sever your connection with us?”
“But we hope, Mr. Heldar, that you don’t plan to cut ties with us?”
Dick’s business in life was the study of faces, and he watched the speaker keenly. “That man means something,” he said. “I’ll do no business till I’ve seen Torpenhow. There’s a big deal coming.” So he departed, making no promises, to his one little room by the Docks. And that day was the seventh of the month, and that month, he reckoned with awful distinctness, had thirty-one days in it!
Dick’s main focus in life was studying faces, and he observed the speaker closely. “That guy means something,” he said. “I won’t do any business until I’ve seen Torpenhow. There’s a big deal on the way.” With that, he left, making no promises, and headed to his small room by the Docks. That day was the seventh of the month, and he clearly remembered that this month had thirty-one days!
It is not easy for a man of catholic tastes and healthy appetites to exist for twenty-four days on fifty shillings. Nor is it cheering to begin the experiment alone in all the loneliness of London. Dick paid seven shillings a week for his lodging, which left him rather less than a shilling a day for food and drink. Naturally, his first purchase was of the materials of his craft; he had been without them too long. Half a day’s investigations and comparison brought him to the conclusion that sausages and mashed potatoes, twopence a plate, were the best food. Now, sausages once or twice a week for breakfast are not unpleasant. As lunch, even, with mashed potatoes, they become monotonous. At dinner they are impertinent. At the end of three days Dick loathed sausages, and, going forth, pawned his watch to revel on sheep’s head, which is not as cheap as it looks, owing to the bones and the gravy. Then he returned to sausages and mashed potatoes. Then he confined himself entirely to mashed potatoes for a day, and was unhappy because of pain in his inside. Then he pawned his waistcoat and his tie, and thought regretfully of money thrown away in times past. There are few things more edifying unto Art than the actual belly-pinch of hunger, and Dick in his few walks abroad,—he did not care for exercise; it raised desires that could not be satisfied—found himself dividing mankind into two classes,—those who looked as if they might give him something to eat, and those who looked otherwise. “I never knew what I had to learn about the human face before,” he thought; and, as a reward for his humility, Providence caused a cab-driver at a sausage-shop where Dick fed that night to leave half eaten a great chunk of bread. Dick took it,—would have fought all the world for its possession,—and it cheered him.
It’s not easy for someone with broad tastes and a healthy appetite to survive for twenty-four days on fifty shillings. Plus, starting this challenge alone in the solitude of London isn’t encouraging. Dick paid seven shillings a week for his room, leaving him with less than a shilling a day for food and drinks. Naturally, his first buy was the essentials for his work; he had been without them for too long. After half a day of searching and comparing, he figured out that sausages and mashed potatoes, at two pence a plate, were the best option. Eating sausages once or twice a week for breakfast isn’t bad, but for lunch with mashed potatoes, they quickly become boring. By dinner, they’re just annoying. After three days, Dick was sick of sausages and pawed his watch to treat himself to sheep’s head, which isn’t as cheap as it sounds due to the bones and gravy. Then he went back to sausages and mashed potatoes. Next, he stuck to just mashed potatoes for a day, which made him uncomfortable due to stomach pains. Then he pawned his waistcoat and tie, regretting the money he wasted in the past. There’s not much more enlightening for an artist than the actual hunger pangs, and during his few walks outside—he wasn’t a fan of exercise; it stirred up desires he couldn’t satisfy—he found himself dividing people into two groups: those who looked like they might give him something to eat and those who looked like they wouldn’t. “I never realized how much I had to learn about faces before,” he thought; and as a reward for his humility, fate allowed a cab driver at a sausage shop where Dick dined that night to leave half a loaf of bread uneaten. Dick grabbed it—he would have fought anyone for that bread—and it lifted his spirits.
The month dragged through at last, and, nearly prancing with impatience, he went to draw his money. Then he hastened to Torpenhow’s address and smelt the smell of cooking meats all along the corridors of the chambers. Torpenhow was on the top floor, and Dick burst into his room, to be received with a hug which nearly cracked his ribs, as Torpenhow dragged him to the light and spoke of twenty different things in the same breath.
The month finally dragged to an end, and almost bursting with impatience, he went to get his money. Then he rushed over to Torpenhow’s place and could smell cooking meat wafting through the hallways. Torpenhow was on the top floor, and Dick burst into his room, where he was greeted with a hug that nearly crushed him as Torpenhow pulled him into the light and talked about twenty different things all at once.
“But you’re looking tucked up,” he concluded.
“But you look cozy,” he concluded.
“Got anything to eat?” said Dick, his eye roaming round the room.
“Got anything to eat?” Dick asked, his gaze scanning the room.
“I shall be having breakfast in a minute. What do you say to sausages?”
"I'll be having breakfast in a minute. How about sausages?"
“No, anything but sausages! Torp, I’ve been starving on that accursed horse-flesh for thirty days and thirty nights.”
“No, anything but sausages! Torp, I’ve been starving on that cursed horse meat for thirty days and thirty nights.”
“Now, what lunacy has been your latest?”
“Now, what's the latest craziness you've been up to?”
Dick spoke of the last few weeks with unbridled speech. Then he opened his coat; there was no waistcoat below. “I ran it fine, awfully fine, but I’ve just scraped through.”
Dick spoke about the last few weeks without holding back. Then he opened his coat; there was no vest underneath. “I cut it really close, incredibly close, but I just made it through.”
“You haven’t much sense, but you’ve got a backbone, anyhow. Eat, and talk afterwards.” Dick fell upon eggs and bacon and gorged till he could gorge no more. Torpenhow handed him a filled pipe, and he smoked as men smoke who for three weeks have been deprived of good tobacco.
“You may not be the brightest, but you sure are tough. Eat first, and we'll chat later.” Dick dug into the eggs and bacon, stuffing himself until he couldn't eat another bite. Torpenhow passed him a pipe that was full, and he smoked like a man who had gone three weeks without good tobacco.
“Ouf!” said he. “That’s heavenly! Well?”
“Ouf!” he said. “That’s amazing! Well?”
“Why in the world didn’t you come to me?”
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
“Couldn’t; I owe you too much already, old man. Besides I had a sort of superstition that this temporary starvation—that’s what it was, and it hurt—would bring me luck later. It’s over and done with now, and none of the syndicate know how hard up I was. Fire away. What’s the exact state of affairs as regards myself?”
“Couldn’t; I already owe you too much, old man. Besides, I had this kind of superstition that this temporary hunger—that’s what it was, and it hurt—would bring me good luck later. It’s all in the past now, and none of the syndicate knows how tight things were for me. Go ahead. What’s the exact situation regarding me?”
“You had my wire? You’ve caught on here. People like your work immensely. I don’t know why, but they do. They say you have a fresh touch and a new way of drawing things. And, because they’re chiefly home-bred English, they say you have insight. You’re wanted by half a dozen papers; you’re wanted to illustrate books.”
"You got my message? You’ve figured it out. People really like your work. I’m not sure why, but they do. They say you have a fresh style and a unique way of illustrating things. And since they’re mostly homegrown Brits, they say you have a good understanding. Half a dozen newspapers want you; you’re in demand to illustrate books."
Dick grunted scornfully.
Dick scoffed.
“You’re wanted to work up your smaller sketches and sell them to the dealers. They seem to think the money sunk in you is a good investment.
“You're wanted to develop your smaller sketches and sell them to the dealers. They believe the money invested in you is a smart investment.”
Good Lord! who can account for the fathomless folly of the public?”
Good Lord! Who can explain the endless foolishness of the public?
“They’re a remarkably sensible people.”
“They’re a surprisingly sensible people.”
“They are subject to fits, if that’s what you mean; and you happen to be the object of the latest fit among those who are interested in what they call Art. Just now you’re a fashion, a phenomenon, or whatever you please. I appeared to be the only person who knew anything about you here, and I have been showing the most useful men a few of the sketches you gave me from time to time. Those coming after your work on the Central Southern Syndicate appear to have done your business. You’re in luck.”
“They have their ups and downs, if that’s what you mean; and you just happen to be the latest trend among those interested in what they call Art. Right now, you’re a fad, a phenomenon, or whatever you want to call it. I seemed to be the only person who knew anything about you here, and I’ve been showing some of the most influential people a few of the sketches you gave me from time to time. Those following your work on the Central Southern Syndicate seem to have really taken your business to the next level. You’re in luck.”
“Huh! call it luck! Do call it luck, when a man has been kicking about the world like a dog, waiting for it to come! I’ll luck ’em later on. I want a place to work first.”
“Wow! Just call it luck! Go ahead and call it luck, when a guy has been wandering around the world like a dog, waiting for it to happen! I’ll deal with that later. I need a place to work first.”
“Come here,” said Torpenhow, crossing the landing. “This place is a big box room really, but it will do for you. There’s your skylight, or your north light, or whatever window you call it, and plenty of room to thrash about in, and a bedroom beyond. What more do you need?”
“Come here,” said Torpenhow, crossing the landing. “This place is just a big box room, really, but it’ll work for you. There’s your skylight, or your north light, or whatever you want to call that window, and plenty of space to move around in, plus a bedroom beyond. What more do you need?”
“Good enough,” said Dick, looking round the large room that took up a third of a top story in the rickety chambers overlooking the Thames. A pale yellow sun shone through the skylight and showed the much dirt of the place. Three steps led from the door to the landing, and three more to Torpenhow’s room. The well of the staircase disappeared into darkness, pricked by tiny gas-jets, and there were sounds of men talking and doors slamming seven flights below, in the warm gloom.
“Good enough,” said Dick, glancing around the spacious room that occupied a third of a top floor in the rundown building overlooking the Thames. A pale yellow sun streamed through the skylight, revealing how dirty the place was. Three steps led from the door to the landing, and three more to Torpenhow’s room. The staircase well faded into darkness, punctuated by small gas flames, and there were sounds of men talking and doors slamming seven floors below, in the warm shadows.
“Do they give you a free hand here?” said Dick, cautiously. He was Ishmael enough to know the value of liberty.
“Do they let you do your own thing here?” said Dick, cautiously. He was Ishmael enough to know the value of freedom.
“Anything you like; latch-keys and license unlimited. We are permanent tenants for the most part here. ’Tisn’t a place I would recommend for a Young Men’s Christian Association, but it will serve. I took these rooms for you when I wired.”
“Anything you want; you have access and no restrictions. We’re mostly long-term residents here. It’s not a place I would suggest for a Young Men’s Christian Association, but it will do. I got these rooms for you when I sent the message.”
“You’re a great deal too kind, old man.”
“You're really too kind, old man.”
“You didn’t suppose you were going away from me, did you?” Torpenhow put his hand on Dick’s shoulder, and the two walked up and down the room, henceforward to be called the studio, in sweet and silent communion. They heard rapping at Torpenhow’s door. “That’s some ruffian come up for a drink,” said Torpenhow; and he raised his voice cheerily. There entered no one more ruffianly than a portly middle-aged gentleman in a satin-faced frockcoat. His lips were parted and pale, and there were deep pouches under the eyes.
“You didn’t think you were leaving me, did you?” Torpenhow placed his hand on Dick’s shoulder, and the two strolled up and down the room, which would now be known as the studio, in a warm and comfortable silence. They heard a knock at Torpenhow’s door. “That’s just some guy looking for a drink,” said Torpenhow, raising his voice cheerfully. In walked no one more disreputable than a stout middle-aged gentleman in a shiny frock coat. His lips were parted and pale, and he had noticeable dark circles under his eyes.
“Weak heart,” said Dick to himself, and, as he shook hands, “very weak heart. His pulse is shaking his fingers.”
“Weak heart,” Dick thought to himself, and as he shook hands, “really weak heart. His pulse is shaking his fingers.”
The man introduced himself as the head of the Central Southern Syndicate and “one of the most ardent admirers of your work, Mr. Heldar. I assure you, in the name of the syndicate, that we are immensely indebted to you; and I trust, Mr. Heldar, you won’t forget that we were largely instrumental in bringing you before the public.” He panted because of the seven flights of stairs.
The man introduced himself as the leader of the Central Southern Syndicate and said, “I’m one of your biggest fans, Mr. Heldar. I promise you, on behalf of the syndicate, that we owe you a lot; and I hope, Mr. Heldar, you remember that we played a big role in getting you in front of the public.” He was out of breath from climbing the seven flights of stairs.
Dick glanced at Torpenhow, whose left eyelid lay for a moment dead on his cheek.
Dick looked at Torpenhow, whose left eyelid rested for a moment against his cheek.
“I shan’t forget,” said Dick, every instinct of defence roused in him.
“I won’t forget,” said Dick, every instinct to defend himself kicking in.
“You’ve paid me so well that I couldn’t, you know. By the way, when I am settled in this place I should like to send and get my sketches. There must be nearly a hundred and fifty of them with you.”
“You’ve paid me so well that I couldn't, you know. By the way, once I'm settled in this place, I’d like to send for my sketches. There should be about a hundred and fifty of them with you.”
“That is er—is what I came to speak about. I fear we can’t allow it exactly, Mr. Heldar. In the absence of any specified agreement, the sketches are our property, of course.”
“That is, um, what I came to talk about. I’m afraid we can’t allow it, Mr. Heldar. Since there’s no specific agreement, the sketches are our property, of course.”
“Do you mean to say that you are going to keep them?”
“Are you saying that you're going to keep them?”
“Yes; and we hope to have your help, on your own terms, Mr. Heldar, to assist us in arranging a little exhibition, which, backed by our name and the influence we naturally command among the press, should be of material service to you. Sketches such as yours——”
“Yes; and we hope to have your help, on your own terms, Mr. Heldar, to assist us in putting together a small exhibition, which, supported by our name and the influence we naturally have with the press, should be really helpful to you. Sketches like yours——”
“Belong to me. You engaged me by wire, you paid me the lowest rates you dared. You can’t mean to keep them! Good God alive, man, they’re all I’ve got in the world!”
“Belong to me. You contacted me over the phone, you paid me the cheapest rates possible. You can’t really mean to keep them! Good God, man, they’re all I have in the world!”
Torpenhow watched Dick’s face and whistled.
Torpenhow looked at Dick's face and whistled.
Dick walked up and down, thinking. He saw the whole of his little stock in trade, the first weapon of his equipment, annexed at the outset of his campaign by an elderly gentleman whose name Dick had not caught aright, who said that he represented a syndicate, which was a thing for which Dick had not the least reverence. The injustice of the proceedings did not much move him; he had seen the strong hand prevail too often in other places to be squeamish over the moral aspects of right and wrong.
Dick paced back and forth, deep in thought. He considered all of his small inventory, the first tool he had at the start of his journey, taken by an older man whose name Dick hadn’t quite caught, who claimed to represent a syndicate—a concept that didn’t impress Dick at all. The unfairness of the situation didn’t bother him much; he had witnessed the overpowering win too often elsewhere to feel sensitive about the moral issues involved.
But he ardently desired the blood of the gentleman in the frockcoat, and when he spoke again, and when he spoke again it was with a strained sweetness that Torpenhow knew well for the beginning of strife.
But he desperately wanted the blood of the guy in the frock coat, and when he spoke again, it was with a forced sweetness that Torpenhow recognized as the start of trouble.
“Forgive me, sir, but you have no—no younger man who can arrange this business with me?”
“Excuse me, sir, but do you not have a younger man who can handle this matter with me?”
“I speak for the syndicate. I see no reason for a third party to——”
“I speak for the syndicate. I see no reason for someone else to—”
“You will in a minute. Be good enough to give back my sketches.”
“You will in a minute. Please return my sketches.”
The man stared blankly at Dick, and then at Torpenhow, who was leaning against the wall. He was not used to ex-employees who ordered him to be good enough to do things.
The man stared blankly at Dick, and then at Torpenhow, who was leaning against the wall. He wasn't used to ex-employees who ordered him to be nice enough to do things.
“Yes, it is rather a cold-blooded steal,” said Torpenhow, critically; “but I’m afraid, I am very much afraid, you’ve struck the wrong man. Be careful, Dick; remember, this isn’t the Soudan.”
“Yes, it's a pretty cold-blooded theft,” Torpenhow said critically; “but I’m afraid, I really am afraid, you’ve picked the wrong guy. Be careful, Dick; remember, this isn’t the Soudan.”
“Considering what services the syndicate have done you in putting your name before the world——”
“Considering the services the syndicate has provided in getting your name out there—”
This was not a fortunate remark; it reminded Dick of certain vagrant years lived out in loneliness and strife and unsatisfied desires. The memory did not contrast well with the prosperous gentleman who proposed to enjoy the fruit of those years.
This wasn’t a lucky comment; it made Dick think of some wandering years spent in loneliness, struggle, and unfulfilled desires. The memory didn’t sit well with the successful man who planned to benefit from those years.
“I don’t know quite what to do with you,” began Dick, meditatively. “Of course you’re a thief, and you ought to be half killed, but in your case you’d probably die. I don’t want you dead on this floor, and, besides, it’s unlucky just as one’s moving in. Don’t hit, sir; you’ll only excite yourself.”
“I’m not really sure what to do with you,” started Dick, thinking it over. “You’re definitely a thief, and you should get seriously punished, but in your situation, you’d probably just end up dead. I don’t want you dying on this floor, and also, it’s bad luck right when someone’s moving in. Don’t hit me, sir; it’ll just make you more worked up.”
He put one hand on the man’s forearm and ran the other down the plump body beneath the coat. “My goodness!” said he to Torpenhow, “and this gray oaf dares to be a thief! I have seen an Esneh camel-driver have the black hide taken off his body in strips for stealing half a pound of wet dates, and he was as tough as whipcord. This things’ soft all over—like a woman.”
He placed one hand on the man's forearm and ran the other down the heavy body beneath the coat. “Wow!” he said to Torpenhow, “and this gray fool thinks he can be a thief! I’ve seen an Esneh camel driver have his skin ripped off in strips for stealing half a pound of wet dates, and he was tougher than leather. This guy is soft all over—like a woman.”
There are few things more poignantly humiliating than being handled by a man who does not intend to strike. The head of the syndicate began to breathe heavily. Dick walked round him, pawing him, as a cat paws a soft hearth-rug. Then he traced with his forefinger the leaden pouches underneath the eyes, and shook his head. “You were going to steal my things,—mine, mine, mine!—you, who don’t know when you may die. Write a note to your office,—you say you’re the head of it,—and order them to give Torpenhow my sketches,—every one of them. Wait a minute: your hand’s shaking. Now!” He thrust a pocket-book before him. The note was written. Torpenhow took it and departed without a word, while Dick walked round and round the spellbound captive, giving him such advice as he conceived best for the welfare of his soul. When Torpenhow returned with a gigantic portfolio, he heard Dick say, almost soothingly, “Now, I hope this will be a lesson to you; and if you worry me when I have settled down to work with any nonsense about actions for assault, believe me, I’ll catch you and manhandle you, and you’ll die. You haven’t very long to live, anyhow. Go! Imshi, Vootsak,—get out!” The man departed, staggering and dazed. Dick drew a long breath: “Phew! what a lawless lot these people are! The first thing a poor orphan meets is gang robbery, organised burglary! Think of the hideous blackness of that man’s mind! Are my sketches all right, Torp?”
There are few things more humiliating than being handled by a guy who doesn’t intend to hit you. The head of the syndicate started breathing heavily. Dick walked around him, poking him like a cat plays with a soft rug. Then he traced the heavy bags under his eyes with his finger and shook his head. “You were going to steal my stuff—mine, mine, mine!—you, who doesn’t know when you might die. Write a note to your office—you say you’re in charge—and tell them to give Torpenhow my sketches—every single one. Wait a minute: your hand’s shaking. Now!” He shoved a pocketbook in front of him. The note got written. Torpenhow took it and left without a word, while Dick walked around the stunned captive, giving him advice he thought would be good for his soul. When Torpenhow returned with a huge portfolio, Dick was saying almost soothingly, “Now, I hope this teaches you something; and if you bother me when I’m trying to work with any nonsense about lawsuits for assault, believe me, I’ll catch you and rough you up, and you’ll be done for. You haven’t got long to live anyway. Go! Imshi, Vootsak,—get out!” The man left, staggering and dazed. Dick took a deep breath: “Wow! What a lawless bunch these people are! The first thing a poor orphan faces is gang robbery and organized burglary! Can you imagine the darkness of that guy’s mind? Are my sketches okay, Torp?”
“Yes; one hundred and forty-seven of them. Well, I must say, Dick, you’ve begun well.”
“Yes, one hundred and forty-seven of them. Well, I have to say, Dick, you’ve started strong.”
“He was interfering with me. It only meant a few pounds to him, but it was everything to me. I don’t think he’ll bring an action. I gave him some medical advice gratis about the state of his body. It was cheap at the little flurry it cost him. Now, let’s look at my things.”
“He was getting in my way. It might have only meant a few pounds to him, but it was everything to me. I don’t think he’ll take any legal action. I gave him some free medical advice about his health. It was a small price to pay for what it cost him. Now, let’s check out my stuff.”
Two minutes later Dick had thrown himself down on the floor and was deep in the portfolio, chuckling lovingly as he turned the drawings over and thought of the price at which they had been bought.
Two minutes later, Dick had flopped down on the floor and was fully engrossed in the portfolio, laughing to himself as he flipped through the drawings and considered the price he had paid for them.
The afternoon was well advanced when Torpenhow came to the door and saw Dick dancing a wild saraband under the skylight.
The afternoon was well underway when Torpenhow reached the door and spotted Dick dancing a wild saraband under the skylight.
“I builded better than I knew, Torp,” he said, without stopping the dance.
“I built better than I knew, Torp,” he said, without stopping the dance.
“They’re good! They’re damned good! They’ll go like flame! I shall have an exhibition of them on my own brazen hook. And that man would have cheated me out of it! Do you know that I’m sorry now that I didn’t actually hit him?”
“They're great! They're really great! They'll go like wildfire! I'm going to hold an exhibition of them on my own terms. And that guy would have cheated me out of it! You know, I actually wish I had hit him?”
“Go out,” said Torpenhow,—“go out and pray to be delivered from the sin of arrogance, which you never will be. Bring your things up from whatever place you’re staying in, and we’ll try to make this barn a little more shipshape.”
“Go outside,” said Torpenhow, “go outside and pray to be freed from the sin of arrogance, which you never will be. Bring your stuff up from wherever you're staying, and we’ll try to make this barn a bit more organized.”
“And then—oh, then,” said Dick, still capering, “we will spoil the Egyptians!”
“And then—oh, then,” said Dick, still dancing around, “we will spoil the Egyptians!”
CHAPTER IV
The wolf-cub at even lay hid in the corn,
When the smoke of the cooking hung gray:
He knew where the doe made a couch for her fawn,
And he looked to his strength for his prey.
But the moon swept the smoke-wreaths away.
And he turned from his meal in the villager’s close,
And he bayed to the moon as she rose.
—In Seonee.
The wolf cub hid in the corn at dusk,
While the cooking smoke hung in gray clouds:
He knew where the doe made a nest for her fawn,
And he relied on his strength for his meal.
But the moon cleared the smoke away.
He turned away from his meal in the villager's yard,
And howled at the moon as she rose.
—In Seonee.
“Well, and how does success taste?” said Torpenhow, some three months later. He had just returned to chambers after a holiday in the country.
“Well, how does success taste?” said Torpenhow, about three months later. He had just come back to his office after a vacation in the countryside.
“Good,” said Dick, as he sat licking his lips before the easel in the studio.
“Good,” said Dick, as he sat licking his lips in front of the easel in the studio.
“I want more,—heaps more. The lean years have passed, and I approve of these fat ones.”
“I want more—lots more. The hard times are over, and I’m all for these prosperous ones.”
“Be careful, old man. That way lies bad work.”
“Be careful, old man. That path leads to trouble.”
Torpenhow was sprawling in a long chair with a small fox-terrier asleep on his chest, while Dick was preparing a canvas. A dais, a background, and a lay-figure were the only fixed objects in the place. They rose from a wreck of oddments that began with felt-covered water-bottles, belts, and regimental badges, and ended with a small bale of second-hand uniforms and a stand of mixed arms. The mark of muddy feet on the dais showed that a military model had just gone away. The watery autumn sunlight was falling, and shadows sat in the corners of the studio.
Torpenhow was sprawled out in a long chair with a little fox-terrier sleeping on his chest, while Dick was setting up a canvas. A platform, a backdrop, and a mannequin were the only permanent fixtures in the room. They stood amidst a mess of miscellaneous items that ranged from felt-covered water bottles, belts, and military insignia to a small bundle of second-hand uniforms and a collection of assorted weapons. The footprints in the mud on the platform indicated that a military model had just left. The dull autumn sunlight was streaming in, and shadows lingered in the corners of the studio.
“Yes,” said Dick, deliberately, “I like the power; I like the fun; I like the fuss; and above all I like the money. I almost like the people who make the fuss and pay the money. Almost. But they’re a queer gang,—an amazingly queer gang!”
“Yes,” said Dick, intentionally, “I like the power; I like the fun; I like the drama; and above all, I like the money. I almost like the people who create the drama and pay the money. Almost. But they’re a strange bunch—an incredibly strange bunch!”
“They have been good enough to you, at any rate. That tin-pot exhibition of your sketches must have paid. Did you see that the papers called it the ‘Wild Work Show’?”
"They've been pretty good to you, at least. That small-time exhibition of your sketches must have been a success. Did you see that the papers referred to it as the 'Wild Work Show'?"
“Never mind. I sold every shred of canvas I wanted to; and, on my word, I believe it was because they believed I was a self-taught flagstone artist.
“Never mind. I sold every piece of canvas I wanted to; and, honestly, I think it was because they thought I was a self-taught flagstone artist."
I should have got better prices if I worked my things on wool or scratched them on camel-bone instead of using mere black and white and colour. Verily, they are a queer gang, these people. Limited isn’t the word to describe ’em. I met a fellow the other day who told me that it was impossible that shadows on white sand should be blue,—ultramarine,—as they are. I found out, later, that the man had been as far as Brighton beach; but he knew all about Art, confound him. He gave me a lecture on it, and recommended me to go to school to learn technique. I wonder what old Kami would have said to that.”
I could have gotten better prices if I worked with wool or carved things out of camel bone instead of just using plain black, white, and color. Honestly, these people are a strange bunch. “Limited” doesn’t even begin to describe them. I met a guy the other day who insisted that shadows on white sand couldn’t possibly be blue—ultramarine, to be exact—like they actually are. Later, I found out he’d only been to Brighton Beach, but somehow he knew everything about art, the jerk. He gave me a whole lecture on it and advised me to go to school to learn techniques. I wonder what old Kami would have thought about that.
“When were you under Kami, man of extraordinary beginnings?”
“When were you under Kami, extraordinary man?”
“I studied with him for two years in Paris. He taught by personal magnetism. All he ever said was, ‘Continuez, mes enfants,’ and you had to make the best you could of that. He had a divine touch, and he knew something about colour. Kami used to dream colour; I swear he could never have seen the genuine article; but he evolved it; and it was good.”
“I studied with him for two years in Paris. He taught through his personal magnetism. All he ever said was, ‘Continuez, mes enfants,’ and you just had to make the best of that. He had a special touch, and he understood color. Kami used to dream in color; I swear he could never have seen the real thing; but he developed it, and it was great.”
“Recollect some of those views in the Soudan?” said Torpenhow, with a provoking drawl.
“Remember some of those sights in the Sudan?” said Torpenhow, with a teasing drawl.
Dick squirmed in his place. “Don’t! It makes me want to get out there again. What colour that was! Opal and umber and amber and claret and brick-red and sulphur—cockatoo-crest—sulphur—against brown, with a nigger-black rock sticking up in the middle of it all, and a decorative frieze of camels festooning in front of a pure pale turquoise sky.” He began to walk up and down. “And yet, you know, if you try to give these people the thing as God gave it, keyed down to their comprehension and according to the powers He has given you——”
Dick fidgeted in his seat. “Don’t! It makes me want to get out there again. What a color that was! Opal and umber and amber and claret and brick-red and sulfur—cockatoo-crest—sulfur—against brown, with a pitch-black rock sticking up in the middle of it all, and a decorative line of camels hanging out in front of a pure pale turquoise sky.” He started pacing back and forth. “And yet, you know, if you try to give these people the thing as God gave it, simplified to their understanding and according to the abilities He has given you——”
“Modest man! Go on.”
"Go on, modest man!"
“Half a dozen epicene young pagans who haven’t even been to Algiers will tell you, first, that your notion is borrowed, and, secondly, that it isn’t Art.
“Half a dozen androgynous young pagans who haven’t even been to Algiers will tell you, first, that your idea is borrowed, and, secondly, that it isn’t Art.
“’This comes of my leaving town for a month. Dickie, you’ve been promenading among the toy-shops and hearing people talk.”
“'This comes from me being away from town for a month. Dickie, you've been walking around the toy stores and listening to people talk.”
“I couldn’t help it,” said Dick, penitently. “You weren’t here, and it was lonely these long evenings. A man can’t work for ever.”
“I couldn’t help it,” Dick said apologetically. “You weren’t around, and these long evenings were so lonely. A guy can’t work all the time.”
“A man might have gone to a pub, and got decently drunk.”
“A man might have gone to a bar and gotten nicely drunk.”
“I wish I had; but I forgathered with some men of sorts. They said they were artists, and I knew some of them could draw,—but they wouldn’t draw. They gave me tea,—tea at five in the afternoon!—and talked about Art and the state of their souls. As if their souls mattered. I’ve heard more about Art and seen less of her in the last six months than in the whole of my life. Do you remember Cassavetti, who worked for some continental syndicate, out with the desert column? He was a regular Christmas-tree of contraptions when he took the field in full fig, with his water-bottle, lanyard, revolver, writing-case, housewife, gig-lamps, and the Lord knows what all. He used to fiddle about with ’em and show us how they worked; but he never seemed to do much except fudge his reports from the Nilghai. See?”
“I wish I had; but I hung out with some guys who claimed to be artists. I knew some of them could draw, but they never actually did. They served me tea—tea at five in the afternoon!—and chatted about Art and the state of their souls. As if that mattered. I’ve heard more about Art and seen less of it in the last six months than in my whole life. Do you remember Cassavetti, who worked for some European syndicate, out with the desert column? He was a total mess of gadgets when he took the field all decked out, with his water bottle, lanyard, revolver, writing kit, sewing supplies, gig lights, and God knows what else. He would mess around with them and show us how they worked; but he never really seemed to do much except mess up his reports from the Nilghai. Get it?”
“Dear old Nilghai! He’s in town, fatter than ever. He ought to be up here this evening. I see the comparison perfectly. You should have kept clear of all that man-millinery. Serves you right; and I hope it will unsettle your mind.”
“Dear old Nilghai! He’s back in town, heavier than ever. He should be up here this evening. I see the comparison clearly. You should have avoided all that men’s fashion. You brought this on yourself; and I hope it messes with your head.”
“It won’t. It has taught me what Art—holy sacred Art—means.”
“It won’t. It has taught me what Art—holy sacred Art—means.”
“You’ve learnt something while I’ve been away. What is Art?”
“You’ve learned something while I’ve been gone. What is Art?”
“Give ’em what they know, and when you’ve done it once do it again.”
“Give them what they know, and once you've done it, do it again.”
Dick dragged forward a canvas laid face to the wall. “Here’s a sample of real Art. It’s going to be a facsimile reproduction for a weekly. I called it “His Last Shot.” It’s worked up from the little water-colour I made outside El Maghrib. Well, I lured my model, a beautiful rifleman, up here with drink; I drored him, and I redrored him, and I redrored him, and I made him a flushed, dishevelled, bedevilled scallawag, with his helmet at the back of his head, and the living fear of death in his eye, and the blood oozing out of a cut over his ankle-bone. He wasn’t pretty, but he was all soldier and very much man.”
Dick pulled forward a canvas that was facing the wall. “Here’s a sample of real art. It’s going to be a reproduction for a weekly magazine. I called it ‘His Last Shot.’ It’s based on the little watercolor I did outside El Maghrib. I got my model, a handsome rifleman, up here with some drinks; I sketched him, and I redrew him, and I redrew him again, making him look like a ragged, flustered troublemaker, with his helmet tipped back and a look of sheer fear in his eyes, blood trickling from a cut on his ankle. He wasn’t conventionally handsome, but he was all soldier and very much a man.”
“Once more, modest child!”
"Once again, humble child!"
Dick laughed. “Well, it’s only to you I’m talking. I did him just as well as I knew how, making allowance for the slickness of oils. Then the art-manager of that abandoned paper said that his subscribers wouldn’t like it. It was brutal and coarse and violent,—man being naturally gentle when he’s fighting for his life. They wanted something more restful, with a little more colour. I could have said a good deal, but you might as well talk to a sheep as an art-manager. I took my “Last Shot” back. Behold the result! I put him into a lovely red coat without a speck on it. That is Art. I polished his boots,—observe the high light on the toe. That is Art. I cleaned his rifle,—rifles are always clean on service,—because that is Art.
Dick laughed. “Well, I’m only talking to you. I did my best on it, considering the slickness of the oils. Then the art manager of that cancelled publication said that his subscribers wouldn’t like it. It was brutal and coarse and violent—man is naturally gentle when he's fighting for his life. They wanted something more relaxing, with a bit more color. I could have said a lot, but you might as well talk to a sheep as to an art manager. I took my ‘Last Shot’ back. Look at the result! I dressed him in a beautiful red coat, spotless. That’s Art. I polished his boots—check out the highlight on the toe. That’s Art. I cleaned his rifle—rifles are always clean in the field—because that’s Art.”
I pipeclayed his helmet,—pipeclay is always used on active service, and is indispensable to Art. I shaved his chin, I washed his hands, and gave him an air of fatted peace. Result, military tailor’s pattern-plate. Price, thank Heaven, twice as much as for the first sketch, which was moderately decent.”
I cleaned his helmet with pipeclay—pipeclay is always used in the field and is essential for maintenance. I shaved his chin, washed his hands, and gave him a look of calm contentment. The result was a military tailor’s sample. Thankfully, it cost twice as much as the first draft, which was just okay.
“And do you suppose you’re going to give that thing out as your work?”
“And do you think you're going to pass that off as your work?”
“Why not? I did it. Alone I did it, in the interests of sacred, home-bred Art and Dickenson’s Weekly.”
“Why not? I did it. I did it all by myself, for the sake of genuine, home-grown art and Dickenson’s Weekly.”
Torpenhow smoked in silence for a while. Then came the verdict, delivered from rolling clouds: “If you were only a mass of blathering vanity, Dick, I wouldn’t mind,—I’d let you go to the deuce on your own mahl-stick; but when I consider what you are to me, and when I find that to vanity you add the twopenny-halfpenny pique of a twelve-year-old girl, then I bestir myself in your behalf. Thus!”
Torpenhow smoked in silence for a bit. Then came the judgment, delivered from the rolling clouds: “If you were just a bundle of annoying vanity, Dick, I wouldn’t care—I’d let you go to hell on your own terms; but when I think about what you mean to me, and when I see that on top of your vanity you have the petty grudges of a twelve-year-old girl, then I feel compelled to step in for you. So there!”
The canvas ripped as Torpenhow’s booted foot shot through it, and the terrier jumped down, thinking rats were about.
The canvas tore as Torpenhow's boot kicked through it, and the terrier leaped down, thinking there were rats nearby.
“If you have any bad language to use, use it. You have not. I continue.
“If you have any bad language to use, go ahead and use it. You don’t. I’ll keep going.”
You are an idiot, because no man born of woman is strong enough to take liberties with his public, even though they be—which they ain’t—all you say they are.”
You’re an idiot because no one born from a woman is strong enough to take advantage of his audience, even if they really are—all that you say they are.”
“But they don’t know any better. What can you expect from creatures born and bred in this light?” Dick pointed to the yellow fog. “If they want furniture-polish, let them have furniture-polish, so long as they pay for it.
“But they don’t know any better. What can you expect from beings born and raised in this light?” Dick pointed to the yellow fog. “If they want furniture polish, let them have furniture polish, as long as they pay for it."
They are only men and women. You talk as if they were gods.”
They are just people. You speak as if they were gods.
“That sounds very fine, but it has nothing to do with the case. They are the people you have to do work for, whether you like it or not. They are your masters. Don’t be deceived, Dickie, you aren’t strong enough to trifle with them,—or with yourself, which is more important.
“That sounds great, but it has nothing to do with the situation. They are the people you have to work for, whether you like it or not. They are your bosses. Don’t be fooled, Dickie, you’re not strong enough to mess around with them—or with yourself, which is even more important.
Moreover,—Come back, Binkie: that red daub isn’t going anywhere,—unless you take precious good care, you will fall under the damnation of the check-book, and that’s worse than death. You will get drunk—you’re half drunk already—on easily acquired money. For that money and your own infernal vanity you are willing to deliberately turn out bad work. You’ll do quite enough bad work without knowing it. And, Dickie, as I love you and as I know you love me, I am not going to let you cut off your nose to spite your face for all the gold in England. That’s settled. Now swear.”
Moreover,—Come back, Binkie: that red spot isn’t going anywhere,—if you’re not careful, you’ll fall into the trap of the checkbook, and that’s worse than death. You’re going to get drunk—you’re already halfway there—on money that’s too easy to get. For that money and your own damn vanity, you’re willing to intentionally produce terrible work. You’ll do enough bad work without even realizing it. And, Dickie, because I love you and I know you love me, I’m not going to let you ruin yourself for all the gold in England. That’s that. Now swear.
“Don’t know, said Dick. “I’ve been trying to make myself angry, but I can’t, you’re so abominably reasonable. There will be a row on Dickenson’s Weekly, I fancy.”
“Don’t know,” said Dick. “I’ve been trying to get myself angry, but I can’t; you’re just so frustratingly reasonable. I think there’ll be a fuss in Dickenson’s Weekly.”
“Why the Dickenson do you want to work on a weekly paper? It’s slow bleeding of power.”
"Why in the world do you want to work for a weekly paper? It's a slow drain of your influence."
“It brings in the very desirable dollars,” said Dick, his hands in his pockets.
“It brings in the very desirable money,” said Dick, his hands in his pockets.
Torpenhow watched him with large contempt. “Why, I thought it was a man!” said he. “It’s a child.”
Torpenhow looked at him with great disdain. “I thought it was a man!” he said. “It’s just a kid.”
“No, it isn’t,” said Dick, wheeling quickly. “You’ve no notion what the certainty of cash means to a man who has always wanted it badly.
“No, it isn’t,” Dick said, turning quickly. “You have no idea what having cash means to someone who's always wanted it desperately."
Nothing will pay me for some of my life’s joys; on that Chinese pig-boat, for instance, when we ate bread and jam for every meal, because Ho-Wang wouldn’t allow us anything better, and it all tasted of pig,—Chinese pig. I’ve worked for this, I’ve sweated and I’ve starved for this, line on line and month after month. And now I’ve got it I am going to make the most of it while it lasts. Let them pay—they’ve no knowledge.”
Nothing can replace some of the joys in my life; like that time on the Chinese pig boat when we had bread and jam for every meal because Ho-Wang wouldn’t let us have anything better, and it all had a taste of pig—Chinese pig. I’ve worked hard for this, I’ve sweated and starved for it, line by line and month after month. And now that I have it, I'm going to make the most of it while it lasts. Let them pay—they don’t understand.
“What does Your Majesty please to want? You can’t smoke more than you do; you won’t drink; you’re a gross feeder; and you dress in the dark, by the look of you. You wouldn’t keep a horse the other day when I suggested, because, you said, it might fall lame, and whenever you cross the street you take a hansom. Even you are not foolish enough to suppose that theatres and all the live things you can buy thereabouts mean Life.
“What would Your Majesty like? You can’t smoke more than you already do; you won’t drink; you eat like a pig; and you seem to have dressed in the dark. You turned down my suggestion to keep a horse the other day because you thought it might go lame, and every time you need to cross the street, you take a cab. Even you can’t be naive enough to think that theaters and all the entertainment you can buy around here equate to real Life.”
What earthly need have you for money?”
What do you even need money for?
“It’s there, bless its golden heart,” said Dick. “It’s there all the time.
“It’s there, bless its golden heart,” said Dick. “It’s there all the time.
Providence has sent me nuts while I have teeth to crack ’em with. I haven’t yet found the nut I wish to crack, but I’m keeping my teeth filed.
Providence has given me nuts while I still have teeth to crack them open. I haven’t found the nut I want to crack yet, but I’m keeping my teeth sharp.
Perhaps some day you and I will go for a walk round the wide earth.”
“Maybe someday you and I will take a walk around the whole world.”
“With no work to do, nobody to worry us, and nobody to compete with? You would be unfit to speak to in a week. Besides, I shouldn’t go. I don’t care to profit by the price of a man’s soul,—for that’s what it would mean.
“With nothing to do, no one to bother us, and no one to compete with? You’d be impossible to talk to in a week. Besides, I shouldn’t go. I don’t want to benefit from the cost of a man’s soul,—because that’s what it would mean.
Dick, it’s no use arguing. You’re a fool.”
Dick, there’s no point in arguing. You’re being ridiculous.
“Don’t see it. When I was on that Chinese pig-boat, our captain got credit for saving about twenty-five thousand very seasick little pigs, when our old tramp of a steamer fell foul of a timber-junk. Now, taking those pigs as a parallel——”
“Don’t see it. When I was on that Chinese pig boat, our captain got credit for saving about twenty-five thousand extremely seasick little pigs when our old rusty steamer crashed into a timber junk. Now, using those pigs as a comparison——”
“Oh, confound your parallels! Whenever I try to improve your soul, you always drag in some anecdote from your very shady past. Pigs aren’t the British public; and self-respect is self-respect the world over. Go out for a walk and try to catch some self-respect. And, I say, if the Nilghai comes up this evening can I show him your diggings?”
“Oh, forget your comparisons! Every time I try to help you improve yourself, you always bring up some story from your questionable past. Pigs aren’t the British public; and self-respect is self-respect everywhere. Go for a walk and see if you can find some self-respect. And, I’ll ask, if the Nilghai shows up this evening, can I show him what you’ve been working on?”
“Surely. You’ll be asking whether you must knock at my door, next.” And Dick departed, to take counsel with himself in the rapidly gathering London fog.
“Surely. You’ll be wondering if you should knock on my door next.” And Dick left, to reflect on his thoughts in the quickly thickening London fog.
Half an hour after he had left, the Nilghai laboured up the staircase. He was the chiefest, as he was the youngest, of the war correspondents, and his experiences dated from the birth of the needle-gun. Saving only his ally, Keneu the Great War Eagle, there was no man higher in the craft than he, and he always opened his conversation with the news that there would be trouble in the Balkans in the spring. Torpenhow laughed as he entered.
Half an hour after he left, the Nilghai struggled up the staircase. He was the best, as well as the youngest, of the war correspondents, and his experiences went back to the introduction of the needle-gun. Aside from his partner, Keneu the Great War Eagle, there was no one more respected in the field than he, and he always started his conversations with the news that there would be trouble in the Balkans in the spring. Torpenhow laughed as he walked in.
“Never mind the trouble in the Balkans. Those little states are always screeching. You’ve heard about Dick’s luck?”
“Forget about the trouble in the Balkans. Those small countries are always making noise. Have you heard about Dick’s luck?”
“Yes; he has been called up to notoriety, hasn’t he? I hope you keep him properly humble. He wants suppressing from time to time.”
“Yes; he’s become quite famous, hasn’t he? I hope you keep him grounded. He needs to be humbled every now and then.”
“He does. He’s beginning to take liberties with what he thinks is his reputation.”
“He does. He’s starting to take advantage of what he thinks is his reputation.”
“Already! By Jove, he has cheek! I don’t know about his reputation, but he’ll come a cropper if he tries that sort of thing.”
“Already! Wow, he has some nerve! I’m not sure about his reputation, but he’s going to fail miserably if he pulls that kind of stunt.”
“So I told him. I don’t think he believes it.”
“So I told him. I don’t think he believes it.”
“They never do when they first start off. What’s that wreck on the ground there?”
“They never do when they first start out. What’s that mess on the ground there?”
“Specimen of his latest impertinence.” Torpenhow thrust the torn edges of the canvas together and showed the well-groomed picture to the Nilghai, who looked at it for a moment and whistled.
“Example of his latest boldness.” Torpenhow pushed the torn edges of the canvas together and showed the polished picture to the Nilghai, who glanced at it for a moment and whistled.
“It’s a chromo,” said he,—“a chromo-litholeomargarine fake! What possessed him to do it? And yet how thoroughly he has caught the note that catches a public who think with their boots and read with their elbows! The cold-blooded insolence of the work almost saves it; but he mustn’t go on with this. Hasn’t he been praised and cockered up too much? You know these people here have no sense of proportion. They’ll call him a second Detaille and a third-hand Meissonier while his fashion lasts. It’s windy diet for a colt.”
“It’s a print,” he said, “a cheap imitation! What made him do this? And yet he really captures the vibe that appeals to people who don’t think too deeply and skim through things! The sheer arrogance of it almost makes it worthwhile; but he shouldn’t keep doing this. Hasn’t he been praised and flattered enough? You know these folks have no sense of balance. They’ll call him a second Detaille and a third-rate Meissonier while this trend lasts. It’s shallow food for a young talent.”
“I don’t think it affects Dick much. You might as well call a young wolf a lion and expect him to take the compliment in exchange for a shin-bone.
“I don’t think it affects Dick much. You might as well call a young wolf a lion and expect him to take the compliment in exchange for a shin bone.”
Dick’s soul is in the bank. He’s working for cash.”
Dick’s soul is tied up in the bank. He’s working for money.
“Now he has thrown up war work, I suppose he doesn’t see that the obligations of the service are just the same, only the proprietors are changed.”
“Now that he’s quit the war effort, I guess he doesn’t realize that the responsibilities of service are still the same; only the owners have changed.”
“How should he know? He thinks he is his own master.”
“How is he supposed to know? He thinks he’s in control of his own life.”
“Does he? I could undeceive him for his good, if there’s any virtue in print. He wants the whiplash.”
“Does he? I could set him straight for his own good, if there’s any merit in it. He needs a reality check.”
“Lay it on with science, then. I’d flay him myself, but I like him too much.”
“Go ahead and use science, then. I’d deal with him myself, but I like him too much.”
“I’ve no scruples. He had the audacity to try to cut me out with a woman at Cairo once. I forgot that, but I remember now.”
“I have no qualms. He had the nerve to try to cut me out with a woman in Cairo once. I forgot that, but I remember now.”
“Did he cut you out?”
“Did he ghost you?”
“You’ll see when I have dealt with him. But, after all, what’s the good? Leave him alone and he’ll come home, if he has any stuff in him, dragging or wagging his tail behind him. There’s more in a week of life than in a lively weekly. None the less I’ll slate him. I’ll slate him ponderously in the Cataclysm.”
“You’ll see when I’m done with him. But really, what’s the point? Just leave him be and he’ll come back home, if he has any sense, dragging or wagging his tail behind him. There’s more in a week of living than in a lively weekly magazine. Still, I’m going to give him a good lecture. I’ll lay it on thick in the Cataclysm.”
“Good luck to you; but I fancy nothing short of a crowbar would make Dick wince. His soul seems to have been fired before we came across him.
“Good luck to you; but I doubt anything less than a crowbar would make Dick flinch. It seems like his spirit was toughened long before we met him.
He’s intensely suspicious and utterly lawless.”
He's extremely suspicious and completely lawless.
“Matter of temper,” said the Nilghai. “It’s the same with horses. Some you wallop and they work, some you wallop and they jib, and some you wallop and they go out for a walk with their hands in their pockets.”
“Matter of attitude,” said the Nilghai. “It’s the same with horses. Some you hit and they get to work, some you hit and they refuse, and some you hit and they just stroll off with their hands in their pockets.”
“That’s exactly what Dick has done,” said Torpenhow. “Wait till he comes back. In the meantime, you can begin your slating here. I’ll show you some of his last and worst work in his studio.”
“That’s exactly what Dick has done,” Torpenhow said. “Wait until he comes back. In the meantime, you can start your criticism here. I’ll show you some of his latest and worst work in his studio.”
Dick had instinctively sought running water for a comfort to his mood of mind. He was leaning over the Embankment wall, watching the rush of the Thames through the arches of Westminster Bridge. He began by thinking of Torpenhow’s advice, but, as of custom, lost himself in the study of the faces flocking past. Some had death written on their features, and Dick marvelled that they could laugh. Others, clumsy and coarse-built for the most part, were alight with love; others were merely drawn and lined with work; but there was something, Dick knew, to be made out of them all. The poor at least should suffer that he might learn, and the rich should pay for the output of his learning. Thus his credit in the world and his cash balance at the bank would be increased. So much the better for him. He had suffered. Now he would take toll of the ills of others.
Dick instinctively sought out running water to lift his spirits. He leaned over the wall of the Embankment, watching the rush of the Thames flowing through the arches of Westminster Bridge. He started by thinking about Torpenhow’s advice, but, as usual, he got lost in observing the faces that passed by. Some looked like they had death written all over them, and Dick wondered how they could still laugh. Others, mostly awkward and heavyset, were glowing with love; some were simply worn and lined from hard work. But Dick knew there was something to learn from all of them. The poor should endure so he could gain insight, and the rich should pay for what he learned. That way, both his reputation in the world and his bank account would grow. All the better for him. He had experienced suffering. Now he would benefit from the struggles of others.
The fog was driven apart for a moment, and the sun shone, a blood-red wafer, on the water. Dick watched the spot till he heard the voice of the tide between the piers die down like the wash of the sea at low tide. A girl hard pressed by her lover shouted shamelessly, “Ah, get away, you beast!” and a shift of the same wind that had opened the fog drove across Dick’s face the black smoke of a river-steamer at her berth below the wall. He was blinded for the moment, then spun round and found himself face to face with—Maisie.
The fog parted for a moment, and the sun shone like a blood-red disc on the water. Dick watched the spot until he heard the sound of the tide between the piers fade away like the sea receding at low tide. A girl, overwhelmed by her lover, shouted without shame, “Ah, get away, you beast!” and a gust of the same wind that had cleared the fog blew the black smoke from a river steamer docked below the wall across Dick’s face. He was momentarily blinded, then turned around and found himself face to face with—Maisie.
There was no mistaking. The years had turned the child to a woman, but they had not altered the dark-gray eyes, the thin scarlet lips, or the firmly modelled mouth and chin; and, that all should be as it was of old, she wore a closely fitting gray dress.
There was no doubt about it. The years had transformed the child into a woman, but they hadn’t changed her dark-gray eyes, thin scarlet lips, or her strong jawline; and to keep everything as it once was, she wore a fitted gray dress.
Since the human soul is finite and not in the least under its own command, Dick, advancing, said “Halloo!” after the manner of schoolboys, and Maisie answered, “Oh, Dick, is that you?” Then, against his will, and before the brain newly released from considerations of the cash balance had time to dictate to the nerves, every pulse of Dick’s body throbbed furiously and his palate dried in his mouth. The fog shut down again, and Maisie’s face was pearl-white through it. No word was spoken, but Dick fell into step at her side, and the two paced the Embankment together, keeping the step as perfectly as in their afternoon excursions to the mud-flats. Then Dick, a little hoarsely—“What has happened to Amomma?”
Since the human soul is limited and not in control of itself, Dick stepped forward and called out, “Hey!” like schoolboys do, and Maisie replied, “Oh, Dick, is that you?” Then, against his will, and before his mind, free from worries about finances, could send a message to his body, every pulse in Dick’s body raced, and his mouth went dry. The fog came back down, and Maisie’s face looked pale against it. No words were exchanged, but Dick walked alongside her, and they strolled the Embankment together, matching their pace just like they did during their afternoon walks to the mud-flats. Then Dick, a bit hoarse, asked, “What happened to Amomma?”
“He died, Dick. Not cartridges; over-eating. He was always greedy. Isn’t it funny?”
“He died, Dick. Not from bullets; he just ate too much. He was always so greedy. Isn’t that hilarious?”
“Yes. No. Do you mean Amomma?”
“Yes. No. Are you talking about Amomma?”
“Ye—es. No. This. Where have you come from?”
“Yeah—yeah. No. This. Where did you come from?”
“Over there,” He pointed eastward through the fog. “And you?”
“Over there,” he pointed east through the fog. “What about you?”
“Oh, I’m in the north,—the black north, across all the Park. I am very busy.”
“Oh, I’m in the north—the dark north, across the entire Park. I’m super busy.”
“What do you do?”
"What's your job?"
“I paint a great deal. That’s all I have to do.”
“I paint a lot. That’s all I have to do.”
“Why, what’s happened? You had three hundred a year.”
“Why, what happened? You were getting three hundred a year.”
“I have that still. I am painting; that’s all.”
“I still have that. I'm painting; that's it.”
“Are you alone, then?”
"Are you by yourself, then?"
“There’s a girl living with me. Don’t walk so fast, Dick; you’re out of step.”
“There’s a girl living with me. Don’t walk so fast, Dick; you’re out of step.”
“Then you noticed it too?”
“Did you notice it too?”
“Of course I did. You’re always out of step.”
“Of course I did. You’re always out of sync.”
“So I am. I’m sorry. You went on with the painting?”
“So I am. I’m sorry. Did you continue with the painting?”
“Of course. I said I should. I was at the Slade, then at Merton’s inSt. John’s Wood, the big studio, then I pepper-potted,—I mean I went to the National,—and now I’m working under Kami.”
“Of course. I said I should. I was at the Slade, then at Merton’s in St. John’s Wood, the big studio, then I mixed things up—I mean I went to the National—and now I’m working with Kami.”
“But Kami is in Paris surely?”
“But Kami is in Paris, right?”
“No; he has his teaching studio in Vitry-sur-Marne. I work with him in the summer, and I live in London in the winter. I’m a householder.”
“No; he has his teaching studio in Vitry-sur-Marne. I work with him in the summer, and I live in London in the winter. I’m a homeowner.”
“Do you sell much?”
"Do you sell a lot?"
“Now and again, but not often. There is my “bus. I must take it or lose half an hour. Good-bye, Dick.”
“Every now and then, but not frequently. There’s my bus. I need to catch it or I’ll waste half an hour. Bye, Dick.”
“Good-bye, Maisie. Won’t you tell me where you live? I must see you again; and perhaps I could help you. I—I paint a little myself.”
“Goodbye, Maisie. Can you tell me where you live? I really want to see you again; maybe I could help you. I—I do a bit of painting myself.”
“I may be in the Park to-morrow, if there is no working light. I walk from the Marble Arch down and back again; that is my little excursion. But of course I shall see you again.” She stepped into the omnibus and was swallowed up by the fog.
“I might be at the park tomorrow if there’s no working light. I walk from the Marble Arch down and back; that’s my little outing. But of course, I’ll see you again.” She stepped onto the bus and disappeared into the fog.
“Well—I—am—damned!” exclaimed Dick, and returned to the chambers.
“Well—I—am—damned!” exclaimed Dick, and went back to the chambers.
Torpenhow and the Nilghai found him sitting on the steps to the studio door, repeating the phrase with an awful gravity.
Torpenhow and the Nilghai found him sitting on the steps to the studio door, repeating the phrase with a serious expression.
“You’ll be more damned when I’m done with you,” said the Nilghai, upheaving his bulk from behind Torpenhow’s shoulder and waving a sheaf of half-dry manuscript. “Dick, it is of common report that you are suffering from swelled head.”
“You're going to be in a lot more trouble when I'm finished with you,” said the Nilghai, lifting his large frame from behind Torpenhow’s shoulder and waving a bunch of half-dry manuscript pages. “Dick, everyone says you’ve got a big ego.”
“Halloo, Nilghai. Back again? How are the Balkans and all the little Balkans? One side of your face is out of drawing, as usual.”
“Hey, Nilghai. Back again? How are the Balkans and all the little Balkans? One side of your face looks off, as usual.”
“Never mind that. I am commissioned to smite you in print. Torpenhow refuses from false delicacy. I’ve been overhauling the pot-boilers in your studio. They are simply disgraceful.”
“Forget about that. I'm assigned to take you down in print. Torpenhow is holding back out of false modesty. I’ve been going through the average stuff you have in your studio. It’s just embarrassing.”
“Oho! that’s it, is it? If you think you can slate me, you’re wrong. You can only describe, and you need as much room to turn in, on paper, as a P. and O. cargo-boat. But continue, and be swift. I’m going to bed.”
“Oho! Is that really it? If you think you can put me down, you’re mistaken. You can only describe me, and you need as much space to do that on paper as a P. and O. cargo ship. But go on, and be quick about it. I’m heading to bed.”
“H’m! h’m! h’m! The first part only deals with your pictures. Here’s the peroration: “For work done without conviction, for power wasted on trivialities, for labour expended with levity for the deliberate purpose of winning the easy applause of a fashion-driven public——” “That’s “His Last Shot,” second edition. Go on.”
“H’m! h’m! h’m! The first part only talks about your pictures. Here’s the conclusion: “For work done without passion, for energy wasted on the little things, for effort put in lightly just to get the easy praise of a trend-focused audience——” “That’s “His Last Shot,” second edition. Keep going.”
“——“public, there remains but one end,—the oblivion that is preceded by toleration and cenotaphed with contempt. From that fate Mr. Heldar has yet to prove himself out of danger.”’
“——“public, there is only one outcome left,—the oblivion that follows toleration and is marked by contempt. From that fate, Mr. Heldar still needs to show that he is in the clear.”’
“Wow—wow—wow—wow—wow!” said Dick, profanely. “It’s a clumsy ending and vile journalese, but it’s quite true. And yet,”—he sprang to his feet and snatched at the manuscript,—“you scarred, deboshed, battered old gladiator! you’re sent out when a war begins, to minister to the blind, brutal, British public’s bestial thirst for blood. They have no arenas now, but they must have special correspondents. You’re a fat gladiator who comes up through a trap-door and talks of what he’s seen. You stand on precisely the same level as an energetic bishop, an affable actress, a devastating cyclone, or—mine own sweet self. And you presume to lecture me about my work! Nilghai, if it were worth while I’d caricature you in four papers!”
“Wow—wow—wow—wow—wow!” said Dick, cursing. “It’s a messy ending and terrible journalism, but it’s totally true. And yet,”—he jumped to his feet and grabbed the manuscript,—“you scarred, debauched, beaten-up old gladiator! you’re sent out when a war starts, to satisfy the blind, brutal, British public’s savage thirst for blood. They might not have arenas now, but they still need special correspondents. You’re a chubby gladiator who comes up through a trapdoor and talks about what you’ve seen. You stand on exactly the same level as an energetic bishop, a friendly actress, a devastating cyclone, or—good old me. And you think you can lecture me about my work! Nilghai, if it were worth it I’d caricature you in four newspapers!”
The Nilghai winced. He had not thought of this.
The Nilghai flinched. He hadn't considered this.
“As it is, I shall take this stuff and tear it small—so!” The manuscript fluttered in slips down the dark well of the staircase. “Go home, Nilghai,” said Dick; “go home to your lonely little bed, and leave me in peace. I am about to turn in till to-morrow.”
“As it is, I’m going to take this stuff and tear it into pieces—like this!” The manuscript slipped away, fluttering down the dark staircase. “Go home, Nilghai,” Dick said; “go home to your lonely little bed and leave me alone. I’m about to head to bed until tomorrow.”
“Why, it isn’t seven yet!” said Torpenhow, with amazement.
“Wow, it’s not even seven yet!” said Torpenhow, surprised.
“It shall be two in the morning, if I choose,” said Dick, backing to the studio door. “I go to grapple with a serious crisis, and I shan’t want any dinner.”
“It’ll be two in the morning, if I decide,” said Dick, stepping back to the studio door. “I’m going to deal with a serious crisis, and I won’t need any dinner.”
The door shut and was locked.
The door closed and was locked.
“What can you do with a man like that?” said the Nilghai.
“What can you do with a guy like that?” said the Nilghai.
“Leave him alone. He’s as mad as a hatter.”
“Leave him alone. He’s as crazy as a loon.”
At eleven there was a kicking on the studio door. “Is the Nilghai with you still?” said a voice from within. “Then tell him he might have condensed the whole of his lumbering nonsense into an epigram: “Only the free are bond, and only the bond are free.” Tell him he’s an idiot, Torp, and tell him I’m another.”
At eleven, there was a knock on the studio door. “Is the Nilghai still with you?” a voice called out from inside. “Then tell him he could have summed up all his clumsy nonsense into one short saying: ‘Only the free are bound, and only the bound are free.’ Tell him he’s an idiot, Torp, and tell him I’m one too.”
“All right. Come out and have supper. You’re smoking on an empty stomach.”
“All right. Come out and have dinner. You’re smoking on an empty stomach.”
There was no answer.
No response.
CHAPTER V
“I have a thousand men,” said he,
“To wait upon my will,
And towers nine upon the Tyne,
And three upon the Till.”
“And what care I for you men,” said she,
“Or towers from Tyne to Till,
Sith you must go with me,” she said,
“To wait upon my will?”
Sir Hoggie and the Fairies
“I have a thousand men,” he said,
“To follow my command,
And nine towers on the Tyne,
And three on the Till.”
“And what do I care about your men,” she said,
“Or towers from Tyne to Till,
Since you have to come with me,” she said,
“To follow my command?”
Sir Hoggie and the Fairies
Next morning Torpenhow found Dick sunk in deepest repose of tobacco.
Next morning, Torpenhow found Dick deeply absorbed in his tobacco.
“Well, madman, how d’you feel?”
“Well, crazy person, how do you feel?”
“I don’t know. I’m trying to find out.”
“I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out.”
“You had much better do some work.”
“You should really get to work.”
“Maybe; but I’m in no hurry. I’ve made a discovery. Torp, there’s too much Ego in my Cosmos.”
“Maybe; but I’m not in a rush. I’ve made a discovery. Torp, there’s too much Ego in my universe.”
“Not really! Is this revelation due to my lectures, or the Nilghai’s?”
“Not really! Is this revelation because of my lectures, or the Nilghai’s?”
“It came to me suddenly, all on my own account. Much too much Ego; and now I’m going to work.”
“It hit me out of nowhere, all by myself. Too much ego; and now I'm going to get to work.”
He turned over a few half-finished sketches, drummed on a new canvas, cleaned three brushes, set Binkie to bite the toes of the lay figure, rattled through his collection of arms and accoutrements, and then went out abruptly, declaring that he had done enough for the day.
He flipped through a few incomplete sketches, tapped on a new canvas, cleaned three brushes, let Binkie nibble on the toes of the model, rummaged through his collection of tools and gear, and then left suddenly, saying that he had done enough for the day.
“This is positively indecent,” said Torpenhow, “and the first time that Dick has ever broken up a light morning. Perhaps he has found out that he has a soul, or an artistic temperament, or something equally valuable.
“This is really inappropriate,” said Torpenhow, “and the first time that Dick has ever interrupted a light morning. Maybe he’s discovered that he has a soul, or an artistic side, or something just as important.”
That comes of leaving him alone for a month. Perhaps he has been going out of evenings. I must look to this.” He rang for the bald-headed old housekeeper, whom nothing could astonish or annoy.
That comes from leaving him alone for a month. Maybe he’s been going out at night. I need to check on this.” He called for the bald-headed old housekeeper, who was never surprised or bothered by anything.
“Beeton, did Mr. Heldar dine out at all while I was out of town?”
“Beeton, did Mr. Heldar eat out at all while I was gone?”
“Never laid ’is dress-clothes out once, sir, all the time. Mostly ’e dined in; but ’e brought some most remarkable young gentlemen up ’ere after theatres once or twice. Remarkable fancy they was. You gentlemen on the top floor does very much as you likes, but it do seem to me, sir, droppin’ a walkin’-stick down five flights o’ stairs an’ then goin’ down four abreast to pick it up again at half-past two in the mornin’, singin’, ‘Bring back the whiskey, Willie darlin’,’—not once or twice, but scores o’ times,—isn’t charity to the other tenants. What I say is, ‘Do as you would be done by.’ That’s my motto.”
“Never laid out his formal clothes once, sir, the entire time. Mostly he dined in, but he brought some really unusual young guys up here after the theaters once or twice. They were quite something. You gentlemen on the top floor do pretty much as you like, but it seems to me, sir, dropping a walking stick down five flights of stairs and then going down four at a time to pick it up again at half-past two in the morning, singing, ‘Bring back the whiskey, Willie darling,’—not just once or twice, but dozens of times—isn’t being considerate to the other tenants. What I say is, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ That’s my motto.”
“Of course! of course! I’m afraid the top floor isn’t the quietest in the house.”
“Of course! Of course! I'm afraid the top floor isn't the quietest place in the house.”
“I make no complaints, sir. I have spoke to Mr. Heldar friendly, an’ he laughed, an’ did me a picture of the missis that is as good as a coloured print. It ’asn’t the ’igh shine of a photograph, but what I say is, ‘Never look a gift-horse in the mouth.’ Mr. Heldar’s dress-clothes ’aven’t been on him for weeks.”
“I have no complaints, sir. I spoke to Mr. Heldar in a friendly way, and he laughed and made me a drawing of the lady that is as good as a colored print. It doesn’t have the high shine of a photograph, but what I say is, ‘Never look a gift horse in the mouth.’ Mr. Heldar’s dress clothes haven’t been worn by him in weeks.”
“Then it’s all right,” said Torpenhow to himself. “Orgies are healthy, and Dick has a head of his own, but when it comes to women making eyes I’m not so certain,—Binkie, never you be a man, little dorglums. They’re contrary brutes, and they do things without any reason.”
“Then it’s all good,” Torpenhow said to himself. “Parties are healthy, and Dick knows how to think for himself, but when it comes to women flirting, I’m not so sure—Binkie, don’t ever be a man, little pup. They’re unpredictable creatures, and they act without any reason.”
Dick had turned northward across the Park, but he was walking in the spirit on the mud-flats with Maisie. He laughed aloud as he remembered the day when he had decked Amomma’s horns with the ham-frills, and Maisie, white with rage, had cuffed him. How long those four years seemed in review, and how closely Maisie was connected with every hour of them! Storm across the sea, and Maisie in a gray dress on the beach, sweeping her drenched hair out of her eyes and laughing at the homeward race of the fishing-smacks; hot sunshine on the mud-flats, and Maisie sniffing scornfully, with her chin in the air; Maisie flying before the wind that threshed the foreshore and drove the sand like small shot about her ears; Maisie, very composed and independent, telling lies to Mrs. Jennett while Dick supported her with coarser perjuries; Maisie picking her way delicately from stone to stone, a pistol in her hand and her teeth firm-set; and Maisie in a gray dress sitting on the grass between the mouth of a cannon and a nodding yellow sea-poppy. The pictures passed before him one by one, and the last stayed the longest.
Dick had turned north across the Park, but he was lost in thought on the mud-flats with Maisie. He laughed as he remembered the day he had decorated Amomma’s horns with ham frills, and Maisie, furious, had slapped him. Those four years felt like such a long time when he looked back at them, and Maisie was tied to every moment! A storm at sea, and Maisie in a gray dress on the beach, pushing her soaked hair out of her eyes and laughing at the fishing boats racing home; hot sun on the mud-flats, and Maisie sniffing disdainfully with her chin held high; Maisie running with the wind that whipped the shore, sending sand flying like tiny bullets around her ears; Maisie, very composed and independent, lying to Mrs. Jennett while Dick backed her up with cruder lies; Maisie stepping carefully from stone to stone, a pistol in her hand and her jaw set; and Maisie in a gray dress sitting on the grass between the mouth of a cannon and a swaying yellow sea-poppy. The images played in his mind one by one, and the last one lingered the longest.
Dick was perfectly happy with a quiet peace that was as new to his mind as it was foreign to his experiences. It never occurred to him that there might be other calls upon his time than loafing across the Park in the forenoon.
Dick was completely content with a calm that felt just as new to him as it was unfamiliar to his experiences. It never crossed his mind that there could be other ways to spend his time besides lounging around the Park in the morning.
“There’s a good working light now,” he said, watching his shadow placidly. “Some poor devil ought to be grateful for this. And there’s Maisie.”
“There’s a nice bright light now,” he said, calmly watching his shadow. “Some poor soul should be thankful for this. And there’s Maisie.”
She was walking towards him from the Marble Arch, and he saw that no mannerism of her gait had been changed. It was good to find her still Maisie, and, so to speak, his next-door neighbour. No greeting passed between them, because there had been none in the old days.
She was walking toward him from Marble Arch, and he noticed that her stride hadn't changed at all. It was nice to see that she was still Maisie, and, so to speak, his next-door neighbor. They didn’t exchange greetings because there hadn't been any in the past.
“What are you doing out of your studio at this hour?” said Dick, as one who was entitled to ask.
“What are you doing out of your studio at this hour?” Dick asked, as if he had the right to know.
“Idling. Just idling. I got angry with a chin and scraped it out. Then I left it in a little heap of paint-chips and came away.”
“Just sitting around. I got frustrated with my chin and scraped it. Then I left it in a small pile of paint chips and moved on.”
“I know what palette-knifing means. What was the piccy?”
“I know what palette-knifing means. What was the picture?”
“A fancy head that wouldn’t come right,—horrid thing!”
“A fancy head that wouldn’t fix itself—what a terrible thing!”
“I don’t like working over scraped paint when I’m doing flesh. The grain comes up woolly as the paint dries.”
“I don’t like working over scraped paint when I’m painting skin. The texture gets fuzzy as the paint dries.”
“Not if you scrape properly.” Maisie waved her hand to illustrate her methods. There was a dab of paint on the white cuff. Dick laughed.
“Not if you scrape properly.” Maisie waved her hand to show how she does it. There was a spot of paint on the white cuff. Dick laughed.
“You’re as untidy as ever.”
“You're as messy as ever.”
“That comes well from you. Look at your own cuff.”
“That’s rich coming from you. Just look at your own cuff.”
“By Jove, yes! It’s worse than yours. I don’t think we’ve much altered in anything. Let’s see, though.” He looked at Maisie critically. The pale blue haze of an autumn day crept between the tree-trunks of the Park and made a background for the gray dress, the black velvet toque above the black hair, and the resolute profile.
“By Jove, yes! It’s worse than yours. I don’t think we’ve really changed at all. Let’s see, though.” He looked at Maisie critically. The pale blue haze of an autumn day flowed between the tree trunks of the park and created a backdrop for the gray dress, the black velvet hat above the black hair, and the determined profile.
“No, there’s nothing changed. How good it is! D’you remember when I fastened your hair into the snap of a hand-bag?”
“No, nothing has changed. How great is that! Do you remember when I clipped your hair into the snap of a handbag?”
Maisie nodded, with a twinkle in her eyes, and turned her full face to Dick.
Maisie nodded, a sparkle in her eyes, and turned her entire face toward Dick.
“Wait a minute,” said he. “That mouth is down at the corners a little.
“Hold on a second,” he said. “That mouth is slightly turned down at the corners.”
Who’s been worrying you, Maisie?”
"Who’s been stressing you out, Maisie?"
“No one but myself. I never seem to get on with my work, and yet I try hard enough, and Kami says——”
“No one but me. I never seem to get my work done, and yet I try really hard, and Kami says——”
“‘Continuez, mesdemoiselles. Continuez toujours, mes enfants.’ Kami is depressing. I beg your pardon.”
“Keep going, ladies. Always keep going, my children.” Kami is a downer. I’m sorry.
“Yes, that’s what he says. He told me last summer that I was doing better and he’d let me exhibit this year.”
“Yes, that’s what he says. He told me last summer that I was improving and he’d let me showcase my work this year.”
“Not in this place, surely?”
"Not here, surely?"
“Of course not. The Salon.”
“Definitely not. The Salon.”
“You fly high.”
"You soar."
“I’ve been beating my wings long enough. Where do you exhibit, Dick?”
“I've been flapping my wings for a long time. Where do you show your work, Dick?”
“I don’t exhibit. I sell.”
"I don't showcase. I sell."
“What is your line, then?”
“What do you do?”
“Haven’t you heard?” Dick’s eyes opened. Was this thing possible? He cast about for some means of conviction. They were not far from the Marble Arch. “Come up Oxford Street a little and I’ll show you.”
“Haven’t you heard?” Dick’s eyes widened. Could this really be happening? He looked around for some way to convince himself. They weren’t far from the Marble Arch. “Let’s go up Oxford Street for a bit and I’ll show you.”
A small knot of people stood round a print-shop that Dick knew well.
A small group of people stood around a print shop that Dick knew well.
“Some reproduction of my work inside,” he said, with suppressed triumph. Never before had success tasted so sweet upon the tongue. “You see the sort of things I paint. D’you like it?”
“There's some reproduction of my work inside,” he said, with barely contained triumph. Never before had success tasted so sweet. “You see the kind of things I paint. Do you like it?”
Maisie looked at the wild whirling rush of a field-battery going into action under fire. Two artillery-men stood behind her in the crowd.
Maisie watched the chaotic rush of a field battery moving into action under fire. Two artillerymen stood behind her in the crowd.
“They’ve chucked the off lead-’orse’ said one to the other. “’E’s tore up awful, but they’re makin’ good time with the others. That lead-driver drives better nor you, Tom. See ’ow cunnin’ ’e’s nursin’ ’is ’orse.”
“They’ve ditched the lead horse,” said one to the other. “He’s really torn up, but they’re making good time with the others. That lead driver drives better than you, Tom. Look how cleverly he’s taking care of his horse.”
“Number Three’ll be off the limber, next jolt,” was the answer.
“Number Three will be off the limber after the next jolt,” was the answer.
“No, ’e won’t. See ’ow ’is foot’s braced against the iron? ’E’s all right.”
“No, he won't. Look how his foot’s pressed against the iron? He’s fine.”
Dick watched Maisie’s face and swelled with joy—fine, rank, vulgar triumph. She was more interested in the little crowd than in the picture.
Dick watched Maisie’s face and filled with joy—pure, raw, and brash triumph. She cared more about the small crowd than the painting.
That was something that she could understand.
That was something she could get.
“And I wanted it so! Oh, I did want it so!” she said at last, under her breath.
“And I wanted it so! Oh, I really wanted it so!” she finally said, quietly.
“Me,—all me!” said Dick, placidly. “Look at their faces. It hits ’em. They don’t know what makes their eyes and mouths open; but I know. And I know my work’s right.”
“Me—all me!” said Dick, calmly. “Look at their faces. It affects them. They don’t know why their eyes and mouths are open, but I do. And I know my work is good.”
“Yes. I see. Oh, what a thing to have come to one!”
“Yes. I get it. Oh, what a situation to have found oneself in!”
“Come to one, indeed! I had to go out and look for it. What do you think?”
“Come to one, for sure! I had to go out and look for it. What do you think?”
“I call it success. Tell me how you got it.”
“I call it success. Tell me how you achieved it.”
They returned to the Park, and Dick delivered himself of the saga of his own doings, with all the arrogance of a young man speaking to a woman.
They went back to the Park, and Dick shared the story of his own actions, full of the confidence of a young man talking to a woman.
From the beginning he told the tale, the I—I—I’s flashing through the records as telegraph-poles fly past the traveller. Maisie listened and nodded her head. The histories of strife and privation did not move her a hair’s-breadth. At the end of each canto he would conclude, “And that gave me some notion of handling colour,” or light, or whatever it might be that he had set out to pursue and understand. He led her breathless across half the world, speaking as he had never spoken in his life before.
From the start, he shared his story, the I—I—I’s whizzing by like telegraph poles to a traveler. Maisie listened and nodded. The stories of struggle and hardship didn’t affect her at all. At the end of each section, he would wrap up with, “And that gave me some idea of how to work with color,” or light, or whatever it was he was trying to explore and understand. He took her breathlessly across half the globe, speaking in a way he never had before.
And in the flood-tide of his exaltation there came upon him a great desire to pick up this maiden who nodded her head and said, “I understand. Go on,”—to pick her up and carry her away with him, because she was Maisie, and because she understood, and because she was his right, and a woman to be desired above all women.
And in the peak of his excitement, he felt a strong urge to scoop up this girl who nodded and said, “I get it. Go ahead,”—to lift her up and take her with him, because she was Maisie, and because she understood him, and because she was his, and a woman to be wanted above all others.
Then he checked himself abruptly. “And so I took all I wanted,” he said, “and I had to fight for it. Now you tell.”
Then he caught himself suddenly. “So I took everything I wanted,” he said, “and I had to battle for it. Now you go ahead.”
Maisie’s tale was almost as gray as her dress. It covered years of patient toil backed by savage pride that would not be broken though dealers laughed, and fogs delayed work, and Kami was unkind and even sarcastic, and girls in other studios were painfully polite. It had a few bright spots, in pictures accepted at provincial exhibitions, but it wound up with the oft repeated wail, “And so you see, Dick, I had no success, though I worked so hard.”
Maisie’s story was almost as dull as her dress. It spanned years of hard work fueled by a fierce pride that refused to crumble, despite the laughter of dealers, delays from the fog, Kami's unkindness and sarcasm, and the overly polite girls in other studios. There were a few moments of success, with some of her pictures accepted at local exhibitions, but it ended with the familiar lament, “And so you see, Dick, I had no success, even though I worked so hard.”
Then pity filled Dick. Even thus had Maisie spoken when she could not hit the breakwater, half an hour before she had kissed him. And that had happened yesterday.
Then Dick felt a wave of pity. That's exactly how Maisie had sounded when she couldn’t reach the breakwater, just half an hour after she had kissed him. And that was yesterday.
“Never mind,” he said. “I’ll tell you something, if you’ll believe it.” The words were shaping themselves of their own accord. “The whole thing, lock, stock, and barrel, isn’t worth one big yellow sea-poppy below Fort Keeling.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’ll share something with you, if you’re willing to believe it.” The words came out by themselves. “The whole situation, every bit of it, isn’t worth one big yellow sea-poppy down by Fort Keeling.”
Maisie flushed a little. “It’s all very well for you to talk, but you’ve had the success and I haven’t.”
Maisie blushed a bit. “It’s easy for you to say that, but you've experienced success and I haven't.”
“Let me talk, then. I know you’ll understand. Maisie, dear, it sounds a bit absurd, but those ten years never existed, and I’ve come back again. It really is just the same. Can’t you see? You’re alone now and I’m alone.
“Let me talk, then. I know you’ll understand. Maisie, dear, it sounds a bit absurd, but those ten years never existed, and I’ve come back again. It really is just the same. Can’t you see? You’re alone now and I’m alone.
What’s the use of worrying? Come to me instead, darling.”
What’s the point of worrying? Just come to me instead, sweetheart.”
Maisie poked the gravel with her parasol. They were sitting on a bench.
Maisie poked the gravel with her umbrella. They were sitting on a bench.
“I understand,” she said slowly. “But I’ve got my work to do, and I must do it.”
“I get it,” she said slowly. “But I have my work to do, and I have to do it.”
“Do it with me, then, dear. I won’t interrupt.”
“Do it with me, then, love. I won’t interrupt.”
“No, I couldn’t. It’s my work,—mine,—mine,—mine! I’ve been alone all my life in myself, and I’m not going to belong to anybody except myself. I remember things as well as you do, but that doesn’t count. We were babies then, and we didn’t know what was before us. Dick, don’t be selfish. I think I see my way to a little success next year. Don’t take it away from me.”
“No, I can’t. It’s my work—mine—mine—mine! I’ve always been alone with myself, and I’m not going to belong to anyone but myself. I remember things just as well as you do, but that doesn’t matter. We were just kids then, and we didn’t understand what was ahead of us. Dick, don’t be selfish. I think I see a path to some success next year. Don’t take that away from me.”
“I beg your pardon, darling. It’s my fault for speaking stupidly. I can’t expect you to throw up all your life just because I’m back. I’ll go to my own place and wait a little.”
"I’m sorry, babe. It's my fault for talking foolishly. I can’t expect you to keep getting sick just because I’m back. I’ll head to my place and wait a bit."
“But, Dick, I don’t want you to—go—out of—my life, now you’ve just come back.”
“But, Dick, I don’t want you to—leave—my life, now that you’ve just come back.”
“I’m at your orders; forgive me.” Dick devoured the troubled little face with his eyes. There was triumph in them, because he could not conceive that Maisie should refuse sooner or later to love him, since he loved her.
“I’m here for you; forgive me.” Dick looked intensely at her worried little face. His eyes were filled with triumph, because he couldn’t imagine that Maisie would ever choose not to love him, since he loved her.
“It’s wrong of me,” said Maisie, more slowly than before; “it’s wrong and selfish; but, oh, I’ve been so lonely! No, you misunderstand. Now I’ve seen you again,—it’s absurd, but I want to keep you in my life.”
“It’s wrong of me,” said Maisie, more slowly than before; “it’s wrong and selfish; but, oh, I’ve been so lonely! No, you’re misunderstanding. Now that I’ve seen you again—it’s ridiculous, but I want to keep you in my life.”
“Naturally. We belong.”
“Of course. We belong.”
“We don’t; but you always understood me, and there is so much in my work that you could help me in. You know things and the ways of doing things. You must.”
“We don’t; but you always understood me, and there’s so much in my work that you could help me with. You know things and how to get things done. You have to.”
“I do, I fancy, or else I don’t know myself. Then you won’t care to lose sight of me altogether, and—you want me to help you in your work?”
“I think I do, or else I don’t really know myself. So you won’t want to lose track of me completely, and—you want me to help you with your work?”
“Yes; but remember, Dick, nothing will ever come of it. That’s why I feel so selfish. Can’t things stay as they are? I do want your help.”
“Yes; but remember, Dick, nothing will ever come of it. That’s why I feel so selfish. Can’t things stay the way they are? I do want your help.”
“You shall have it. But let’s consider. I must see your pics first, and overhaul your sketches, and find out about your tendencies. You should see what the papers say about my tendencies! Then I’ll give you good advice, and you shall paint according. Isn’t that it, Maisie?”
“You’ll have it. But let’s think this through. I need to see your photos first, review your sketches, and understand your style. You should check what the magazines say about my style! Then I’ll give you solid advice, and you can paint accordingly. Right, Maisie?”
Again there was triumph in Dick’s eye.
Again there was triumph in Dick’s eye.
“It’s too good of you,—much too good. Because you are consoling yourself with what will never happen, and I know that, and yet I want to keep you. Don’t blame me later, please.”
“It’s too generous of you—way too generous. You’re comforting yourself with something that will never happen, and I realize that, but I still want to hold on to you. Please don’t hold it against me later.”
“I’m going into the matter with my eyes open. Moreover the Queen can do no wrong. It isn’t your selfishness that impresses me. It’s your audacity in proposing to make use of me.”
“I’m approaching this with full awareness. Also, the Queen is infallible. It’s not your selfishness that strikes me; it’s your boldness in suggesting you would use me.”
“Pooh! You’re only Dick,—and a print-shop.”
“Pooh! You’re just Dick—and a print shop.”
“Very good: that’s all I am. But, Maisie, you believe, don’t you, that I love you? I don’t want you to have any false notions about brothers and sisters.”
“Very good: that’s all I am. But, Maisie, you believe, don’t you, that I love you? I don’t want you to have any misconceptions about brothers and sisters.”
Maisie looked up for a moment and dropped her eyes.
Maisie glanced up for a moment and then looked down.
“It’s absurd, but—I believe. I wish I could send you away before you get angry with me. But—but the girl that lives with me is red-haired, and an impressionist, and all our notions clash.”
“It’s ridiculous, but—I believe. I wish I could send you away before you get mad at me. But—the girl who lives with me has red hair, is an impressionist, and our ideas just don’t match.”
“So do ours, I think. Never mind. Three months from to-day we shall be laughing at this together.”
“So will ours, I think. Never mind. Three months from today, we’ll be laughing about this together.”
Maisie shook her head mournfully. “I knew you wouldn’t understand, and it will only hurt you more when you find out. Look at my face, Dick, and tell me what you see.”
Maisie shook her head sadly. “I knew you wouldn’t get it, and it will just hurt you more when you find out. Look at my face, Dick, and tell me what you see.”
They stood up and faced each other for a moment. The fog was gathering, and it stifled the roar of the traffic of London beyond the railings. Dick brought all his painfully acquired knowledge of faces to bear on the eyes, mouth, and chin underneath the black velvet toque.
They stood up and faced each other for a moment. The fog was rolling in, muffling the sound of London traffic beyond the railings. Dick focused all his hard-earned knowledge of faces on the eyes, mouth, and chin beneath the black velvet hat.
“It’s the same Maisie, and it’s the same me,” he said. “We’ve both nice little wills of our own, and one or other of us has to be broken. Now about the future. I must come and see your pictures some day,—I suppose when the red-haired girl is on the premises.”
“It’s the same Maisie, and it’s the same me,” he said. “We both have our own strong wills, and one of us has to give in. Now about the future. I should come and see your paintings someday— I guess that’ll be when the red-haired girl is around.”
“Sundays are my best times. You must come on Sundays. There are such heaps of things I want to talk about and ask your advice about. Now I must get back to work.”
“Sundays are my favorite times. You really should come on Sundays. There are so many things I want to discuss and get your advice on. Now I need to get back to work.”
“Try to find out before next Sunday what I am,” said Dick. “Don’t take my word for anything I’ve told you. Good-bye, darling, and bless you.”
“Try to find out before next Sunday what I am,” said Dick. “Don’t just take my word for anything I’ve told you. Bye, love, and take care.”
Maisie stole away like a little gray mouse. Dick watched her till she was out of sight, but he did not hear her say to herself, very soberly, “I’m a wretch,—a horrid, selfish wretch. But it’s Dick, and Dick will understand.”
Maisie slipped away like a little gray mouse. Dick watched her until she was gone, but he didn't hear her quietly murmur to herself, “I’m a wretch—a horrible, selfish wretch. But it’s Dick, and Dick will get it.”
No one has yet explained what actually happens when an irresistible force meets the immovable post, though many have thought deeply, even as Dick thought. He tried to assure himself that Maisie would be led in a few weeks by his mere presence and discourse to a better way of thinking. Then he remembered much too distinctly her face and all that was written on it.
No one has really explained what happens when an unstoppable force encounters an unmovable object, although many have pondered it, just like Dick did. He tried to convince himself that just by being there and talking, he could guide Maisie to a different perspective in a few weeks. Then he recalled her face all too clearly and everything it expressed.
“If I know anything of heads,” he said, “there’s everything in that face but love. I shall have to put that in myself; and that chin and mouth won’t be won for nothing. But she’s right. She knows what she wants, and she’s going to get it. What insolence! Me! Of all the people in the wide world, to use me! But then she’s Maisie. There’s no getting over that fact; and it’s good to see her again. This business must have been simmering at the back of my head for years.... She’ll use me as I used Binat at Port Said.
“If I know anything about people,” he said, “that face has everything except love. I’ll have to add that myself; and that chin and mouth won’t be won easily. But she’s right. She knows what she wants, and she’s going to get it. How bold! Me! Of all the people in the world, to use me! But then she’s Maisie. There’s no getting past that fact; and it’s nice to see her again. This situation must have been brewing in my mind for years... She’ll use me just like I used Binat in Port Said.”
She’s quite right. It will hurt a little. I shall have to see her every Sunday,—like a young man courting a housemaid. She’s sure to come around; and yet—that mouth isn’t a yielding mouth. I shall be wanting to kiss her all the time, and I shall have to look at her pictures,—I don’t even know what sort of work she does yet,—and I shall have to talk about Art,—Woman’s Art! Therefore, particularly and perpetually, damn all varieties of Art. It did me a good turn once, and now it’s in my way. I’ll go home and do some Art.”
She’s absolutely right. It’s going to sting a bit. I’ll have to see her every Sunday—kind of like a young guy trying to impress a maid. She’ll definitely come around; but still—that mouth isn’t exactly inviting. I’ll want to kiss her all the time, and I’ll have to look at her pictures—I don’t even know what kind of work she does yet—and I’ll have to talk about Art—Woman’s Art! So, especially and constantly, screw all kinds of Art. It helped me out once, and now it’s just in my way. I’ll head home and create some Art.
Half-way to the studio, Dick was smitten with a terrible thought. The figure of a solitary woman in the fog suggested it.
Halfway to the studio, Dick was struck by a troubling thought. The silhouette of a lone woman in the fog hinted at it.
“She’s all alone in London, with a red-haired impressionist girl, who probably has the digestion of an ostrich. Most red-haired people have.
“She’s all alone in London, with a red-haired impressionist girl, who probably has the digestion of an ostrich. Most red-haired people do.”
Maisie’s a bilious little body. They’ll eat like lone women,—meals at all hours, and tea with all meals. I remember how the students in Paris used to pig along. She may fall ill at any minute, and I shan’t be able to help.
Maisie’s a cranky little thing. They eat like they’re all alone—having meals at all hours, and tea with every meal. I remember how the students in Paris used to indulge. She could get sick at any time, and I won’t be able to do anything to help.
Whew! this is ten times worse than owning a wife.”
Whew! This is ten times worse than having a wife.”
Torpenhow entered the studio at dusk, and looked at Dick with eyes full of the austere love that springs up between men who have tugged at the same oar together and are yoked by custom and use and the intimacies of toil. This is a good love, and, since it allows, and even encourages, strife, recrimination, and brutal sincerity, does not die, but grows, and is proof against any absence and evil conduct.
Torpenhow walked into the studio at dusk and looked at Dick with eyes full of the serious bond that forms between men who have worked side by side and are connected by shared experiences and the closeness of hard work. This is a strong type of love that, because it allows and even encourages conflict, blame, and honesty, doesn’t fade away; instead, it deepens and stands strong against any separation or wrongdoing.
Dick was silent after he handed Torpenhow the filled pipe of council. He thought of Maisie and her possible needs. It was a new thing to think of anybody but Torpenhow, who could think for himself. Here at last was an outlet for that cash balance. He could adorn Maisie barbarically with jewelry,—a thick gold necklace round that little neck, bracelets upon the rounded arms, and rings of price upon her hands,—the cool, temperate, ringless hands that he had taken between his own. It was an absurd thought, for Maisie would not even allow him to put one ring on one finger, and she would laugh at golden trappings. It would be better to sit with her quietly in the dusk, his arm around her neck and her face on his shoulder, as befitted husband and wife. Torpenhow’s boots creaked that night, and his strong voice jarred. Dick’s brows contracted and he murmured an evil word because he had taken all his success as a right and part payment for past discomfort, and now he was checked in his stride by a woman who admitted all the success and did not instantly care for him.
Dick was quiet after handing Torpenhow the filled pipe of council. He thought about Maisie and what she might need. It was a new thing to consider anyone other than Torpenhow, who could think for himself. Finally, there was a chance to spend that cash balance. He could spoil Maisie with jewelry—a thick gold necklace around her little neck, bracelets on her rounded arms, and rings of value on her hands—the cool, calm, ringless hands he had held between his own. It was a ridiculous thought since Maisie wouldn’t even let him put a ring on one finger, and she would laugh at golden trinkets. It would be better to sit with her quietly in the evening, his arm around her neck and her face on his shoulder, like a proper husband and wife. That night, Torpenhow’s boots creaked, and his strong voice was jarring. Dick's brows furrowed, and he muttered a curse because he had taken all his success for granted, as if it were payment for past troubles, and now he was being held back by a woman who acknowledged all his success but didn’t immediately care for him.
“I say, old man,” said Torpenhow, who had made one or two vain attempts at conversation, “I haven’t put your back up by anything I’ve said lately, have I?”
“I say, old man,” said Torpenhow, who had made a couple of failed attempts to chat, “I haven’t upset you with anything I’ve said recently, have I?”
“You! No. How could you?”
“You! No. How could you?”
“Liver out of order?”
“Liver not functioning properly?”
“The truly healthy man doesn’t know he has a liver. I’m only a bit worried about things in general. I suppose it’s my soul.”
“The genuinely healthy person doesn’t realize they have a liver. I'm just a little concerned about things in general. I guess it’s my soul.”
“The truly healthy man doesn’t know he has a soul. What business have you with luxuries of that kind?”
“The truly healthy person doesn’t even think about having a soul. What do you need with such luxuries?”
“It came of itself. Who’s the man that says that we’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding?”
“It happened on its own. Who claims that we’re all just islands yelling lies at each other over oceans of confusion?”
“He’s right, whoever he is,—except about the misunderstanding. I don’t think we could misunderstand each other.”
“Whoever he is, he’s right—except for the misunderstanding. I don’t think we could misunderstand each other.”
The blue smoke curled back from the ceiling in clouds. Then Torpenhow, insinuatingly—“Dick, is it a woman?”
The blue smoke curled up from the ceiling in clouds. Then Torpenhow, suggestively, said, “Dick, is it a woman?”
“Be hanged if it’s anything remotely resembling a woman; and if you begin to talk like that, I’ll hire a red-brick studio with white paint trimmings, and begonias and petunias and blue Hungarias to play among three-and-sixpenny pot-palms, and I’ll mount all my pics in aniline-dye plush plasters, and I’ll invite every woman who maunders over what her guide-books tell her is Art, and you shall receive ’em, Torp,—in a snuff-brown velvet coat with yellow trousers and an orange tie. You’ll like that?”
“Be hanged if it’s anything even slightly resembling a woman; and if you start talking like that, I’ll rent a red-brick studio with white paint trim, and begonias and petunias and blue Hungarias to play among cheap pot-palms, and I’ll frame all my pictures in bright plush frames, and I’ll invite every woman who mumbles about what her guidebooks say is Art, and you will greet them, Torp—in a snuff-brown velvet coat with yellow pants and an orange tie. You’ll like that?”
“Too thin, Dick. A better man than you once denied with cursing and swearing. You’ve overdone it, just as he did. It’s no business of mine, of course, but it’s comforting to think that somewhere under the stars there’s saving up for you a tremendous thrashing. Whether it’ll come from heaven or earth, I don’t know, but it’s bound to come and break you up a little. You want hammering.”
“Too thin, Dick. A better man than you once pushed back with cursing and swearing. You’ve gone too far, just like he did. It’s not really my place to say, but it’s good to think that somewhere under the stars, a huge payback is waiting for you. I don’t know if it’ll come from heaven or earth, but it’s definitely on its way to knock you down a peg. You need to be knocked around a bit.”
Dick shivered. “All right,” said he. “When this island is disintegrated, it will call for you.”
Dick shivered. “Okay,” he said. “When this island falls apart, it will be calling for you.”
“I shall come round the corner and help to disintegrate it some more.
“I’ll come around the corner and help break it down even more.
We’re talking nonsense. Come along to a theatre.”
We’re just chatting nonsense. Let’s go to a theater.
CHAPTER VI
“And you may lead a thousand men,
Nor ever draw the rein,
But ere ye lead the Faery Queen
’Twill burst your heart in twain.”
He has slipped his foot from the stirrup-bar,
The bridle from his hand,
And he is bound by hand and foot
To the Queen o’ Faery-land.
Sir Hoggie and the Fairies.
“And you might lead a thousand men,
And never hold back,
But before you guide the Faery Queen
It will tear your heart in two.”
He has taken his foot from the stirrup,
The bridle from his grip,
And he is tied hand and foot
To the Queen of Faeryland.
Sir Hoggie and the Fairies.
Some weeks later, on a very foggy Sunday, Dick was returning across the Park to his studio. “This,” he said, “is evidently the thrashing that Torp meant. It hurts more than I expected; but the Queen can do no wrong; and she certainly has some notion of drawing.”
Some weeks later, on a very foggy Sunday, Dick was making his way back through the park to his studio. “This,” he said, “is clearly the beating that Torp meant. It hurts more than I thought it would; but the Queen can do no wrong; and she definitely has some talent for drawing.”
He had just finished a Sunday visit to Maisie,—always under the green eyes of the red-haired impressionist girl, whom he learned to hate at sight,—and was tingling with a keen sense of shame. Sunday after Sunday, putting on his best clothes, he had walked over to the untidy house north of the Park, first to see Maisie’s pictures, and then to criticise and advise upon them as he realised that they were productions on which advice would not be wasted. Sunday after Sunday, and his love grew with each visit, he had been compelled to cram his heart back from between his lips when it prompted him to kiss Maisie several times and very much indeed. Sunday after Sunday, the head above the heart had warned him that Maisie was not yet attainable, and that it would be better to talk as connectedly as possible upon the mysteries of the craft that was all in all to her. Therefore it was his fate to endure weekly torture in the studio built out over the clammy back garden of a frail stuffy little villa where nothing was ever in its right place and nobody every called,—to endure and to watch Maisie moving to and fro with the teacups. He abhorred tea, but, since it gave him a little longer time in her presence, he drank it devoutly, and the red-haired girl sat in an untidy heap and eyed him without speaking. She was always watching him.
He had just wrapped up a Sunday visit to Maisie—always under the watchful gaze of the red-haired impressionist girl, whom he had come to detest at first sight—and felt a strong sense of shame. Week after week, putting on his best clothes, he walked to the messy house north of the Park, first to see Maisie's artwork, then to critique and offer advice on them, realizing they were works that could actually benefit from feedback. Week after week, and his love grew with every visit, he had to stifle the urge to press his lips against hers, which urged him to kiss Maisie multiple times and quite passionately. Week after week, the logic of his mind reminded him that Maisie wasn’t within reach yet, and it was better to engage in as coherent a conversation as possible about the intricacies of the craft that meant everything to her. So, it was his fate to endure weekly torment in the studio built over the damp back garden of a flimsy, stuffy little villa where nothing was ever in order and nobody ever visited—to endure and watch Maisie move back and forth with the teacups. He hated tea, but since it extended his time in her company, he drank it gratefully, while the red-haired girl sat in a messy pile and stared at him without saying a word. She was always watching him.
Once, and only once, when she had left the studio, Maisie showed him an album that held a few poor cuttings from provincial papers,—the briefest of hurried notes on some of her pictures sent to outlying exhibitions. Dick stooped and kissed the paint-smudged thumb on the open page. “Oh, my love, my love,” he muttered, “do you value these things? Chuck ’em into the waste-paper basket!”
Once, and only once, after she had left the studio, Maisie showed him an album that contained a few shabby cutouts from local newspapers—a few quick notes about some of her artwork sent to distant exhibitions. Dick bent down and kissed the paint-stained thumb on the open page. “Oh, my love, my love,” he murmured, “do you really care about these? Just throw them in the trash!”
“Not till I get something better,” said Maisie, shutting the book.
“Not until I find something better,” Maisie said, closing the book.
Then Dick, moved by no respect for his public and a very deep regard for the maiden, did deliberately propose, in order to secure more of these coveted cuttings, that he should paint a picture which Maisie should sign.
Then Dick, lacking respect for his audience but having a deep affection for the girl, decided to propose that he would paint a picture for her to sign, hoping to get more of those prized cuttings.
“That’s childish,” said Maisie, “and I didn’t think it of you. It must be my work. Mine,—mine,—mine!”
"That's childish," Maisie said, "and I didn't expect that from you. It must be my work. Mine—mine—mine!"
“Go and design decorative medallions for rich brewers’ houses. You are thoroughly good at that.” Dick was sick and savage.
“Go and create decorative medallions for wealthy brewers' homes. You're really good at that.” Dick was feeling sick and angry.
“Better things than medallions, Dick,” was the answer, in tones that recalled a gray-eyed atom’s fearless speech to Mrs. Jennett. Dick would have abased himself utterly, but that other girl trailed in.
“Better things than medallions, Dick,” came the reply, in a tone that reminded one of a gray-eyed atom's fearless voice speaking to Mrs. Jennett. Dick would have completely humiliated himself, but that other girl appeared.
Next Sunday he laid at Maisie’s feet small gifts of pencils that could almost draw of themselves and colours in whose permanence he believed, and he was ostentatiously attentive to the work in hand. It demanded, among other things, an exposition of the faith that was in him.
Next Sunday, he placed small gifts of pencils that seemed nearly capable of drawing by themselves and colors he believed would last at Maisie’s feet. He was showily focused on the task at hand. It required, among other things, an explanation of the faith he held.
Torpenhow’s hair would have stood on end had he heard the fluency with which Dick preached his own gospel of Art.
Torpenhow’s hair would have stood on end if he had heard how smoothly Dick preached his own beliefs about Art.
A month before, Dick would have been equally astonished; but it was Maisie’s will and pleasure, and he dragged his words together to make plain to her comprehension all that had been hidden to himself of the whys and wherefores of work. There is not the least difficulty in doing a thing if you only know how to do it; the trouble is to explain your method.
A month ago, Dick would have been just as surprised; but it was Maisie’s wish, and he struggled to make clear to her what had been unclear to him about the reasons behind work. There’s no real trouble in doing something if you know how; the challenge is explaining your approach.
“I could put this right if I had a brush in my hand,” said Dick, despairingly, over the modelling of a chin that Maisie complained would not “look flesh,”—it was the same chin that she had scraped out with the palette knife,—“but I find it almost impossible to teach you. There’s a queer grim, Dutch touch about your painting that I like; but I’ve a notion that you’re weak in drawing. You foreshorten as though you never used the model, and you’ve caught Kami’s pasty way of dealing with flesh in shadow. Then, again, though you don’t know it yourself, you shirk hard work. Suppose you spend some of your time on line alone. Line doesn’t allow of shirking. Oils do, and three square inches of flashy, tricky stuff in the corner of a pic sometimes carry a bad thing off,—as I know. That’s immoral. Do line-work for a little while, and then I can tell more about your powers, as old Kami used to say.”
“I could fix this if I had a brush in my hand,” said Dick, frustrated, about the chin that Maisie complained wouldn’t “look like skin”—it was the same chin she had scraped out with the palette knife—“but I find it almost impossible to teach you. There’s a strange, Dutch vibe to your painting that I like; but I have a feeling that your drawing skills are lacking. You foreshorten as if you’ve never used a model, and you’ve adopted Kami’s method of handling flesh in shadow. Also, even if you don’t realize it, you avoid hard work. How about you spend some time focusing on line work? Line doesn’t let you slack off. Oils can, and a few flashy, tricky inches in the corner of a painting can sometimes cover up a mistake—believe me, I know. That’s unethical. Do some line work for a bit, and then I can better assess your skills, as old Kami used to say.”
Maisie protested; she did not care for the pure line.
Maisie protested; she didn’t like the simple design.
“I know,” said Dick. “You want to do your fancy heads with a bunch of flowers at the base of the neck to hide bad modelling.” The red-haired girl laughed a little. “You want to do landscapes with cattle knee-deep in grass to hide bad drawing. You want to do a great deal more than you can do. You have sense of colour, but you want form. Colour’s a gift,—put it aside and think no more about it,—but form you can be drilled into.
“I know,” said Dick. “You want to do your fancy heads with a bunch of flowers at the base of the neck to cover up bad modeling.” The red-haired girl laughed a little. “You want to paint landscapes with cattle knee-deep in grass to mask poor drawing. You want to accomplish a lot more than you're capable of. You have an eye for color, but you need to work on form. Color is a talent—set it aside and don’t worry about it anymore—but form can be learned with practice.
Now, all your fancy heads—and some of them are very good—will keep you exactly where you are. With line you must go forward or backward, and it will show up all your weaknesses.”
Now, all your clever ideas—and some of them are really good—will keep you exactly where you are. With a line, you have to move forward or backward, and it will reveal all your weaknesses.
“But other people——” began Maisie.
"But other people—" started Maisie.
“You mustn’t mind what other people do. If their souls were your soul, it would be different. You stand and fall by your own work, remember, and it’s waste of time to think of any one else in this battle.”
“You shouldn’t worry about what others do. If their souls were your soul, it would be a different story. You rise and fall by your own efforts, so remember that it’s a waste of time to think about anyone else in this fight.”
Dick paused, and the longing that had been so resolutely put away came back into his eyes. He looked at Maisie, and the look asked as plainly as words, Was it not time to leave all this barren wilderness of canvas and counsel and join hands with Life and Love?
Dick paused, and the longing he had firmly pushed aside returned to his eyes. He looked at Maisie, and the expression clearly asked, Wasn't it time to leave this empty wilderness of canvas and advice and connect with Life and Love?
Maisie assented to the new programme of schooling so adorably that Dick could hardly restrain himself from picking her up then and there and carrying her off to the nearest registrar’s office. It was the implicit obedience to the spoken word and the blank indifference to the unspoken desire that baffled and buffeted his soul. He held authority in that house,—authority limited, indeed, to one-half of one afternoon in seven, but very real while it lasted. Maisie had learned to appeal to him on many subjects, from the proper packing of pictures to the condition of a smoky chimney. The red-haired girl never consulted him about anything.
Maisie agreed to the new school program so cutely that Dick could barely hold back from picking her up right then and there and taking her to the nearest registrar's office. It was her unspoken obedience to his words and her complete indifference to his unexpressed wishes that left him perplexed and unsettled. He had authority in that house—even if it was limited to just one afternoon a week, it felt very real while it lasted. Maisie had learned to come to him about many things, from how to pack pictures properly to the state of a smoky chimney. The red-haired girl never asked him about anything.
On the other hand, she accepted his appearances without protest, and watched him always. He discovered that the meals of the establishment were irregular and fragmentary. They depended chiefly on tea, pickles, and biscuit, as he had suspected from the beginning. The girls were supposed to market week and week about, but they lived, with the help of a charwoman, as casually as the young ravens. Maisie spent most of her income on models, and the other girl revelled in apparatus as refined as her work was rough. Armed with knowledge, dear-bought from the Docks, Dick warned Maisie that the end of semi-starvation meant the crippling of power to work, which was considerably worse than death.
On the other hand, she accepted his presence without complaint and always kept an eye on him. He found that the meals at the place were inconsistent and minimal. They mainly consisted of tea, pickles, and biscuits, just as he had suspected from the start. The girls were expected to do the grocery shopping every other week, but they lived as casually as young ravens, with the help of a cleaning lady. Maisie spent most of her money on models, while the other girl indulged in equipment that was as sophisticated as her work was rough. Armed with hard-earned knowledge from the Docks, Dick warned Maisie that the end of their near-starvation would lead to a loss of the ability to work, which was far worse than death.
Maisie took the warning, and gave more thought to what she ate and drank. When his trouble returned upon him, as it generally did in the long winter twilights, the remembrance of that little act of domestic authority and his coercion with a hearth-brush of the smoky drawing-room chimney stung Dick like a whip-lash.
Maisie took the warning and started thinking more about what she ate and drank. When his troubles came back, as they usually did during the long winter evenings, the memory of that small act of home authority and his forcing with a fireplace brush from the smoky living room hit Dick like a whip.
He conceived that this memory would be the extreme of his sufferings, till one Sunday, the red-haired girl announced that she would make a study of Dick’s head, and that he would be good enough to sit still, and—quite as an afterthought—look at Maisie. He sat, because he could not well refuse, and for the space of half an hour he reflected on all the people in the past whom he had laid open for the purposes of his own craft. He remembered Binat most distinctly,—that Binat who had once been an artist and talked about degradation.
He thought this memory would be the peak of his suffering, until one Sunday when the red-haired girl said she wanted to study Dick's head and that he should sit still and—almost as an afterthought—look at Maisie. He sat there because he couldn't really say no, and for about half an hour, he reflected on all the people from his past whom he had exposed for his own artistic purposes. He remembered Binat very clearly— that Binat who used to be an artist and talked about degradation.
It was the merest monochrome roughing in of a head, but it presented the dumb waiting, the longing, and, above all, the hopeless enslavement of the man, in a spirit of bitter mockery.
It was just a simple black-and-white sketch of a head, but it showed the dull waiting, the longing, and, most importantly, the hopeless enslavement of the man, all in a tone of bitter mockery.
“I’ll buy it,” said Dick, promptly, “at your own price.”
“I’ll buy it,” said Dick right away, “at your price.”
“My price is too high, but I dare say you’ll be as grateful if——” The wet sketch, fluttered from the girl’s hand and fell into the ashes of the studio stove. When she picked it up it was hopelessly smudged.
“My price is too high, but I believe you'll be just as grateful if——” The damp sketch slipped from the girl’s hand and landed in the ashes of the studio stove. When she picked it up, it was completely smudged.
“Oh, it’s all spoiled!” said Maisie. “And I never saw it. Was it like?”
“Oh, it’s all messed up!” said Maisie. “And I never got to see it. What was it like?”
“Thank you,” said Dick under his breath to the red-haired girl, and he removed himself swiftly.
“Thanks,” Dick murmured to the red-haired girl, and he quickly moved away.
“How that man hates me!” said the girl. “And how he loves you, Maisie!”
“How that guy hates me!” said the girl. “And how he loves you, Maisie!”
“What nonsense? I knew Dick’s very fond of me, but he had his work to do, and I have mine.”
“What nonsense? I knew Dick really likes me, but he has his work, and I have mine.”
“Yes, he is fond of you, and I think he knows there is something in impressionism, after all. Maisie, can’t you see?”
“Yes, he likes you, and I think he realizes there’s something to impressionism, after all. Maisie, can’t you see?”
“See? See what?”
"See? What are you seeing?"
“Nothing; only, I know that if I could get any man to look at me as that man looks at you, I’d—I don’t know what I’d do. But he hates me. Oh, how he hates me!”
“Nothing; it’s just that I know if I could get any guy to look at me the way he looks at you, I’d—I don’t know what I’d do. But he hates me. Oh, how he hates me!”
She was not altogether correct. Dick’s hatred was tempered with gratitude for a few moments, and then he forgot the girl entirely. Only the sense of shame remained, and he was nursing it across the Park in the fog. “There’ll be an explosion one of these days,” he said wrathfully. “But it isn’t Maisie’s fault; she’s right, quite right, as far as she knows, and I can’t blame her. This business has been going on for three months nearly.
She wasn't completely right. Dick's anger was mixed with some gratitude for a little while, and then he completely forgot about the girl. Only the feeling of shame lingered, and he carried it with him through the fog in the park. “There’s going to be an explosion one of these days,” he said angrily. “But it’s not Maisie’s fault; she’s right, totally right, as far as she understands, and I can’t blame her. This situation has been going on for nearly three months.”
Three months!—and it cost me ten years’ knocking about to get at the notion, the merest raw notion, of my work. That’s true; but then I didn’t have pins, drawing-pins, and palette-knives, stuck into me every Sunday.
Three months!—and it took me ten years of trial and error to grasp the simplest idea of my work. That’s true; but I wasn’t getting pushed around every Sunday with pins, pushpins, and palette knives sticking into me.
Oh, my little darling, if ever I break you, somebody will have a very bad time of it. No, she won’t. I’d be as big a fool about her as I am now. I’ll poison that red-haired girl on my wedding-day,—she’s unwholesome,—and now I’ll pass on these present bad times to Torp.”
Oh, my little darling, if I ever hurt you, someone is going to have a really rough time. No, she won’t. I would be just as foolish about her as I am now. I’ll get rid of that red-haired girl on my wedding day—she's toxic—and now I’ll pass on these current bad times to Torp.
Torpenhow had been moved to lecture Dick more than once lately on the sin of levity, and Dick had listened and replied not a word. In the weeks between the first few Sundays of his discipline he had flung himself savagely into his work, resolved that Maisie should at least know the full stretch of his powers. Then he had taught Maisie that she must not pay the least attention to any work outside her own, and Maisie had obeyed him all too well. She took his counsels, but was not interested in his pictures.
Torpenhow had recently lectured Dick more than once about the problem of being too carefree, and Dick had listened without saying a word. In the weeks following the first few Sundays of his discipline, he had thrown himself passionately into his work, determined that Maisie would see the full extent of his abilities. He had then instructed Maisie not to pay any attention to anyone else's work, and she followed his advice a little too well. She took his suggestions to heart, but she wasn’t really interested in his paintings.
“Your things smell of tobacco and blood,” she said once. “Can’t you do anything except soldiers?”
“Your stuff smells like tobacco and blood,” she said once. “Can’t you do anything besides soldiers?”
“I could do a head of you that would startle you,” thought Dick,—this was before the red-haired girl had brought him under the guillotine,—but he only said, “I am very sorry,” and harrowed Torpenhow’s soul that evening with blasphemies against Art. Later, insensibly and to a large extent against his own will, he ceased to interest himself in his own work.
“I could shock you with a story about someone,” thought Dick—this was before the red-haired girl had brought him under the guillotine—but he just said, “I’m really sorry,” and troubled Torpenhow’s mind that evening with criticisms of Art. Later, without really wanting to, he gradually stopped caring about his own work.
For Maisie’s sake, and to soothe the self-respect that it seemed to him he lost each Sunday, he would not consciously turn out bad stuff, but, since Maisie did not care even for his best, it were better not to do anything at all save wait and mark time between Sunday and Sunday. Torpenhow was disgusted as the weeks went by fruitless, and then attacked him one Sunday evening when Dick felt utterly exhausted after three hours’ biting self-restraint in Maisie’s presence. There was Language, and Torpenhow withdrew to consult the Nilghai, who had come in to talk continental politics.
For Maisie’s sake, and to maintain the self-respect that he felt slipping away each Sunday, he avoided deliberately putting out bad work. But since Maisie didn’t even appreciate his best efforts, it seemed better to do nothing at all except wait and mark time between Sundays. Torpenhow grew frustrated as the weeks passed without results, and one Sunday evening he confronted Dick when Dick was completely worn out after three hours of holding back in Maisie’s presence. There was Language, and Torpenhow stepped away to consult the Nilghai, who had come in to discuss European politics.
“Bone-idle, is he? Careless, and touched in the temper?” said the Nilghai.
“Totally lazy, is he? Careless and a bit short-tempered?” said the Nilghai.
“It isn’t worth worrying over. Dick is probably playing the fool with a woman.”
“It’s not worth stressing about. Dick is probably just messing around with some woman.”
“Isn’t that bad enough?”
“Isn’t that bad already?”
“No. She may throw him out of gear and knock his work to pieces for a while. She may even turn up here some day and make a scene on the staircase: one never knows. But until Dick speaks of his own accord you had better not touch him. He is no easy-tempered man to handle.”
“No. She might throw him off balance and mess up his work for a while. She might even show up here one day and cause a scene on the stairs: you never know. But until Dick decides to speak up himself, it’s best if you don’t approach him. He’s not an easy guy to deal with.”
“No; I wish he were. He is such an aggressive, cocksure, you-be-damned fellow.”
“No; I wish he was. He’s such an arrogant, cocky, I-don’t-care kind of guy.”
“He’ll get that knocked out of him in time. He must learn that he can’t storm up and down the world with a box of moist tubes and a slick brush.
“He’ll learn that lesson eventually. He needs to understand that he can’t just march around the world with a box of wet tubes and a fancy brush.”
You’re fond of him?”
"Do you like him?"
“I’d take any punishment that’s in store for him if I could; but the worst of it is, no man can save his brother.”
“I’d accept any punishment that awaits him if I could; but the sad truth is, no one can save his brother.”
“No, and the worser of it is, there is no discharge in this war. Dick must learn his lesson like the rest of us. Talking of war, there’ll be trouble in the Balkans in the spring.”
“No, and the worse part is, there’s no way out of this war. Dick has to learn his lesson just like the rest of us. Speaking of war, there will be trouble in the Balkans in the spring.”
“That trouble is long coming. I wonder if we could drag Dick out there when it comes off?”
“That trouble is a long time coming. I wonder if we could get Dick out there when it happens?”
Dick entered the room soon afterwards, and the question was put to him.
Dick walked into the room shortly after, and someone asked him the question.
“Not good enough,” he said shortly. “I’m too comf’y where I am.”
“Not good enough,” he said curtly. “I’m too comfortable where I am.”
“Surely you aren’t taking all the stuff in the papers seriously?” said the Nilghai. “Your vogue will be ended in less than six months,—the public will know your touch and go on to something new,—and where will you be then?”
“Surely you’re not taking everything in the papers seriously?” said the Nilghai. “Your trend will be over in less than six months—the public will recognize your style and move on to something new—and where will you be then?”
“Here, in England.”
“Here in England.”
“When you might be doing decent work among us out there? Nonsense! I shall go, the Keneu will be there, Torp will be there, Cassavetti will be there, and the whole lot of us will be there, and we shall have as much as ever we can do, with unlimited fighting and the chance for you of seeing things that would make the reputation of three Verestchagins.”
“When you think you might be doing good work with us out there? Nonsense! I’m going, and the Keneu will be there, Torp will be there, Cassavetti will be there, and all of us will be there, and we’ll have as much as we can handle, with endless fighting and the opportunity for you to see things that would make three Verestchagins famous.”
“Um!” said Dick, pulling at his pipe.
“Um!” said Dick, tugging at his pipe.
“You prefer to stay here and imagine that all the world is gaping at your pictures? Just think how full an average man’s life is of his own pursuits and pleasures. When twenty thousand of him find time to look up between mouthfuls and grunt something about something they aren’t the least interested in, the net result is called fame, reputation, or notoriety, according to the taste and fancy of the speller my lord.”
“You'd rather stay here and picture that everyone in the world is staring at your art? Just think about how packed an average person’s life is with their own goals and joys. When twenty thousand of them take a moment to glance up between bites and mumble something about something they don’t really care about, the end result is labeled fame, reputation, or notoriety, depending on the preferences of the person writing it down, my lord.”
“I know that as well as you do. Give me credit for a little gumption.”
“I know that just as well as you do. Give me some credit for having a bit of guts.”
“Be hanged if I do!”
"Be hung if I do!"
“Be hanged, then; you probably will be,—for a spy, by excited Turks. Heigh-ho! I’m weary, dead weary, and virtue has gone out of me.” Dick dropped into a chair, and was fast asleep in a minute.
“Get hanged, then; you probably will be,—for being a spy, by angry Turks. Heigh-ho! I’m tired, really tired, and virtue has disappeared from me.” Dick dropped into a chair and was fast asleep in a minute.
“That’s a bad sign,” said the Nilghai, in an undertone.
"That’s a bad sign," said the Nilghai, quietly.
Torpenhow picked the pipe from the waistcoat where it was beginning to burn, and put a pillow behind the head. “We can’t help; we can’t help,” he said. “It’s a good ugly sort of old cocoanut, and I’m fond of it. There’s the scar of the wipe he got when he was cut over in the square.”
Torpenhow took the pipe from his waistcoat where it was starting to burn and propped a pillow behind his head. "We can’t do anything; we can’t do anything," he said. "It’s a good, ugly old coconut, and I like it. There's the mark from the hit he took when he got cut in the square."
“Shouldn’t wonder if that has made him a trifle mad.”
“Wouldn’t be surprised if that has driven him a little crazy.”
“I should. He’s a most businesslike madman.”
“I should. He’s a really professional crazy person.”
Then Dick began to snore furiously.
Then Dick started to snore loudly.
“Oh, here, no affection can stand this sort of thing. Wake up, Dick, and go and sleep somewhere else, if you intend to make a noise about it.”
“Oh, come on, no love can handle this kind of thing. Wake up, Dick, and go sleep somewhere else if you’re going to be noisy about it.”
“When a cat has been out on the tiles all night,” said the Nilghai, in his beard, “I notice that she usually sleeps all day. This is natural history.”
“When a cat has been out partying all night,” said the Nilghai, stroking his beard, “I’ve noticed that she typically sleeps all day. This is just natural behavior.”
Dick staggered away rubbing his eyes and yawning. In the night-watches he was overtaken with an idea, so simple and so luminous that he wondered he had never conceived it before. It was full of craft. He would seek Maisie on a week-day,—would suggest an excursion, and would take her by train to Fort Keeling, over the very ground that they two had trodden together ten years ago.
Dick staggered away, rubbing his eyes and yawning. During the night, he got hit with an idea that was so simple and bright that he couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it before. It was clever. He decided he would reach out to Maisie on a weekday—suggest an outing, and take her by train to Fort Keeling, right over the same path they'd walked together ten years ago.
“As a general rule,” he explained to his chin-lathered reflection in the morning, “it isn’t safe to cross an old trail twice. Things remind one of things, and a cold wind gets up, and you feel sad; but this is an exception to every rule that ever was. I’ll go to Maisie at once.”
“As a general rule,” he explained to his lathered reflection in the morning, “it’s not safe to cross an old path twice. Things remind you of other things, a cold wind kicks up, and you feel sad; but this is an exception to every rule that ever existed. I’ll go to Maisie right away.”
Fortunately, the red-haired girl was out shopping when he arrived, and Maisie in a paint-spattered blouse was warring with her canvas. She was not pleased to see him; for week-day visits were a stretch of the bond; and it needed all his courage to explain his errand.
Fortunately, the red-haired girl was out shopping when he got there, and Maisie, wearing a paint-splattered blouse, was battling with her canvas. She wasn’t happy to see him because weekday visits were a strain on their connection, and he needed all his courage to explain why he was there.
“I know you’ve been working too hard,” he concluded, with an air of authority. “If you do that, you’ll break down. You had much better come.”
“I know you’ve been working too hard,” he said firmly. “If you keep this up, you’ll burn out. You really should come.”
“Where?” said Maisie, wearily. She had been standing before her easel too long, and was very tired.
“Where?” said Maisie, tiredly. She had been standing in front of her easel for too long and was exhausted.
“Anywhere you please. We’ll take a train to-morrow and see where it stops. We’ll have lunch somewhere, and I’ll bring you back in the evening.”
“Anywhere you want. We’ll take a train tomorrow and see where it goes. We’ll have lunch somewhere, and I’ll bring you back in the evening.”
“If there’s a good working light to-morrow, I lose a day.” Maisie balanced the heavy white chestnut palette irresolutely.
“If there’s good light to work with tomorrow, I’ll lose a day.” Maisie held the heavy white chestnut palette uncertainly.
Dick bit back an oath that was hurrying to his lips. He had not yet learned patience with the maiden to whom her work was all in all.
Dick suppressed a curse that was rushing to his lips. He had not yet developed patience with the girl for whom her work was everything.
“You’ll lose ever so many more, dear, if you use every hour of working light. Overwork’s only murderous idleness. Don’t be unreasonable. I’ll call for you to-morrow after breakfast early.”
“You’ll miss out on so much more, dear, if you use up every hour of daylight. Overworking is just a way to kill time. Don’t be unreasonable. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning after breakfast.”
“But surely you are going to ask——”
"But you're probably wondering——"
“No, I am not. I want you and nobody else. Besides, she hates me as much as I hate her. She won’t care to come. To-morrow, then; and pray that we get sunshine.”
“No, I’m not. I want you and nobody else. Besides, she hates me just as much as I hate her. She won’t bother to come. Tomorrow, then; and let’s hope we get some sunshine.”
Dick went away delighted, and by consequence did no work whatever.
Dick left feeling thrilled, and as a result, he did no work at all.
He strangled a wild desire to order a special train, but bought a great gray kangaroo cloak lined with glossy black marten, and then retired into himself to consider things.
He suppressed a strong urge to book a private train, but instead bought a big gray kangaroo cloak lined with shiny black marten, and then withdrew into himself to think things over.
“I’m going out for the day to-morrow with Dick,” said Maisie to the red-haired girl when the latter returned, tired, from marketing in the Edgware road.
“I’m going out for the day tomorrow with Dick,” said Maisie to the red-haired girl when she returned, tired, from shopping on Edgware Road.
“He deserves it. I shall have the studio floor thoroughly scrubbed while you’re away. It’s very dirty.”
“He deserves it. I’ll get the studio floor thoroughly cleaned while you’re gone. It’s really dirty.”
Maisie had enjoyed no sort of holiday for months and looked forward to the little excitement, but not without misgivings.
Maisie hadn't had a vacation in months and was looking forward to the little excitement, but she couldn't shake off some worries.
“There’s nobody nicer than Dick when he talks sensibly, she thought, but I’m sure he’ll be silly and worry me, and I’m sure I can’t tell him anything he’d like to hear. If he’d only be sensible, I should like him so much better.”
“There's nobody nicer than Dick when he talks reasonably, she thought, but I'm sure he'll act silly and stress me out, and I'm sure I can't tell him anything he'd want to hear. If he'd just be reasonable, I would like him so much more.”
Dick’s eyes were full of joy when he made his appearance next morning and saw Maisie, gray-ulstered and black-velvet-hatted, standing in the hallway. Palaces of marble, and not sordid imitation of grained wood, were surely the fittest background for such a divinity. The red-haired girl drew her into the studio for a moment and kissed her hurriedly.
Dick's eyes were filled with joy when he showed up the next morning and saw Maisie, dressed in gray and wearing a black velvet hat, standing in the hallway. Surely, palaces made of marble—not cheap-looking imitations of wood—were the perfect setting for someone as divine as her. The red-haired girl pulled her into the studio for a moment and gave her a quick kiss.
Maisie’s eyebrows climbed to the top of her forehead; she was altogether unused to these demonstrations. “Mind my hat,” she said, hurrying away, and ran down the steps to Dick waiting by the hansom.
Maisie raised her eyebrows in surprise; she wasn't used to such displays. “Watch my hat,” she said, quickly moving away, and dashed down the steps to where Dick was waiting by the cab.
“Are you quite warm enough! Are you sure you wouldn’t like some more breakfast? Put the cloak over you knees.”
“Are you warm enough? Are you sure you don’t want some more breakfast? Wrap the cloak around your knees.”
“I’m quite comf’y, thanks. Where are we going, Dick? Oh, do stop singing like that. People will think we’re mad.”
“I’m pretty comfy, thanks. Where are we going, Dick? Oh, please stop singing like that. People will think we’re crazy.”
“Let ’em think,—if the exertion doesn’t kill them. They don’t know who we are, and I’m sure I don’t care who they are. My faith, Maisie, you’re looking lovely!”
“Let them think—if the effort doesn’t kill them. They don’t know who we are, and honestly, I don’t care who they are. My goodness, Maisie, you look amazing!”
Maisie stared directly in front of her and did not reply. The wind of a keen clear winter morning had put colour into her cheeks. Overhead, the creamy-yellow smoke-clouds were thinning away one by one against a pale-blue sky, and the improvident sparrows broke off from water-spout committees and cab-rank cabals to clamour of the coming of spring.
Maisie stared straight ahead and didn’t respond. The crisp, clear winter morning had given her cheeks a rosy glow. Above her, the creamy-yellow smoke clouds were slowly dispersing against a light blue sky, and the carefree sparrows abandoned their wet-weather gatherings to cheer for the arrival of spring.
“It will be lovely weather in the country,” said Dick.
“It’s going to be great weather in the countryside,” said Dick.
“But where are we going?”
“But where are we heading?”
“Wait and see.”
"Just wait and see."
They stopped at Victoria, and Dick sought tickets. For less than half the fraction of an instant it occurred to Maisie, comfortably settled by the waiting-room fire, that it was much more pleasant to send a man to the booking-office than to elbow one’s own way through the crowd. Dick put her into a Pullman,—solely on account of the warmth there; and she regarded the extravagance with grave scandalised eyes as the train moved out into the country.
They got off at Victoria, and Dick went to get tickets. For less than a blink of an eye, it crossed Maisie’s mind, comfortably settled by the waiting-room fire, that it was way nicer to send a guy to the ticket office than to push her way through the crowd. Dick placed her in a Pullman car—just because it was warmer there; and she looked at the splurge with grave, shocked eyes as the train headed out into the countryside.
“I wish I knew where we are going,” she repeated for the twentieth time.
“I wish I knew where we're going,” she said for the twentieth time.
The name of a well-remembered station flashed by, towards the end of the run, and Maisie was delighted.
The name of a familiar station appeared as they neared the end of the journey, and Maisie was thrilled.
“Oh, Dick, you villain!”
“Oh, Dick, you sly dog!”
“Well, I thought you might like to see the place again. You haven’t been here since the old times, have you?”
“Well, I thought you might want to see the place again. You haven’t been here since the old days, right?”
“No. I never cared to see Mrs. Jennett again; and she was all that was ever there.”
“No. I never wanted to see Mrs. Jennett again; and she was all that was ever there.”
“Not quite. Look out a minute. There’s the windmill above the potato-fields; they haven’t built villas there yet; d’you remember when I shut you up in it?”
“Not really. Hold on a second. There’s the windmill above the potato fields; they haven’t built any villas there yet; do you remember when I locked you inside it?”
“Yes. How she beat you for it! I never told it was you.”
“Yes. She really went after you for that! I never mentioned it was you.”
“She guessed. I jammed a stick under the door and told you that I was burying Amomma alive in the potatoes, and you believed me. You had a trusting nature in those days.”
“She guessed. I shoved a stick under the door and told you that I was burying Amomma alive in the potatoes, and you believed me. You were so trusting back then.”
They laughed and leaned to look out, identifying ancient landmarks with many reminiscences. Dick fixed his weather eye on the curve of Maisie’s cheek, very near his own, and watched the blood rise under the clear skin. He congratulated himself upon his cunning, and looked that the evening would bring him a great reward.
They laughed and leaned to look out, recognizing familiar landmarks filled with memories. Dick focused on the curve of Maisie's cheek, close to his own, and noticed the color rise under her clear skin. He congratulated himself on his cleverness, expecting that the evening would bring him a significant reward.
When the train stopped they went out to look at an old town with new eyes. First, but from a distance, they regarded the house of Mrs. Jennett.
When the train stopped, they got out to see an old town with fresh perspectives. First, but from afar, they looked at Mrs. Jennett's house.
“Suppose she should come out now, what would you do?” said Dick, with mock terror.
“Imagine if she came out now, what would you do?” Dick said, feigning fear.
“I should make a face.”
“I should make a face.”
“Show, then,” said Dick, dropping into the speech of childhood.
“Show me, then,” said Dick, reverting to the language of childhood.
Maisie made that face in the direction of the mean little villa, and Dick laughed.
Maisie made that face toward the mean little villa, and Dick laughed.
““This is disgraceful,”’ said Maisie, mimicking Mrs. Jennett’s tone.
“This is disgraceful,” said Maisie, imitating Mrs. Jennett’s tone.
““Maisie, you run in at once, and learn the collect, gospel, and epistle for the next three Sundays. After all I’ve taught you, too, and three helps every Sunday at dinner! Dick’s always leading you into mischief. If you aren’t a gentleman, Dick, you might at least—“’
“Maisie, go in right now and learn the collect, gospel, and epistle for the next three Sundays. Considering everything I’ve taught you and those three helps every Sunday at dinner! Dick is always getting you into trouble. If you can't be a gentleman, Dick, at least—“’
The sentence ended abruptly. Maisie remembered when it had last been used.
The sentence ended suddenly. Maisie recalled when it had been last used.
““Try to behave like one,”’ said Dick, promptly. “Quite right. Now we’ll get some lunch and go on to Fort Keeling,—unless you’d rather drive there?”
“Try to act like one,” said Dick immediately. “Exactly. Now let’s grab some lunch and head over to Fort Keeling—unless you’d prefer to drive there?”
“We must walk, out of respect to the place. How little changed it all is!”
"We should walk, out of respect for the place. It's all so unchanged!"
They turned in the direction of the sea through unaltered streets, and the influence of old things lay upon them. Presently they passed a confectioner’s shop much considered in the days when their joint pocket-money amounted to a shilling a week.
They headed toward the sea through unchanged streets, with the weight of the past on them. Soon, they walked by a candy shop that was popular back when their combined allowance was a shilling a week.
“Dick, have you any pennies?” said Maisie, half to herself.
“Hey, Dick, do you have any pennies?” Maisie said, almost to herself.
“Only three; and if you think you’re going to have two of ’em to buy peppermints with, you’re wrong. She says peppermints aren’t ladylike.”
“Only three; and if you think you’re going to have two of them to buy peppermints with, you’re mistaken. She says peppermints aren’t ladylike.”
Again they laughed, and again the colour came into Maisie’s cheeks as the blood boiled through Dick’s heart. After a large lunch they went down to the beach and to Fort Keeling across the waste, wind-bitten land that no builder had thought it worth his while to defile. The winter breeze came in from the sea and sang about their ears.
Again they laughed, and once more, Maisie's cheeks flushed as the blood rushed through Dick's heart. After a big lunch, they headed down to the beach and to Fort Keeling across the barren, wind-swept land that no builder had deemed worthy of development. The winter breeze blew in from the sea and whistled around them.
“Maisie,” said Dick, “your nose is getting a crude Prussian blue at the tip.
“Maisie,” Dick said, “your nose is turning a rough Prussian blue at the tip.
I’ll race you as far as you please for as much as you please.”
I’ll race you as far as you want for as much as you want.”
She looked round cautiously, and with a laugh set off, swiftly as the ulster allowed, till she was out of breath.
She glanced around carefully and, laughing, took off as quickly as her coat would allow until she was out of breath.
“We used to run miles,” she panted. “It’s absurd that we can’t run now.”
“We used to run for miles,” she gasped. “It’s ridiculous that we can’t run now.”
“Old age, dear. This it is to get fat and sleek in town. When I wished to pull your hair you generally ran for three miles, shrieking at the top of your voice. I ought to know, because those shrieks of yours were meant to call up Mrs. Jennett with a cane and——”
“Old age, dear. This is what it’s like to get fat and comfortable in the city. When I wanted to pull your hair, you usually ran off for three miles, screaming at the top of your lungs. I should know, because those screams of yours were really meant to summon Mrs. Jennett with a cane and——”
“Dick, I never got you a beating on purpose in my life.”
“Dick, I never meant to hit you on purpose in my life.”
“No, of course you never did. Good heavens! look at the sea.”
“No, of course you never did. Good grief! Look at the ocean.”
“Why, it’s the same as ever!” said Maisie.
“Why, it’s the same as always!” said Maisie.
Torpenhow had gathered from Mr. Beeton that Dick, properly dressed and shaved, had left the house at half-past eight in the morning with a travelling-rug over his arm. The Nilghai rolled in at mid-day for chess and polite conversation.
Torpenhow had learned from Mr. Beeton that Dick, all dressed up and shaved, had left the house at 8:30 AM with a travel blanket under his arm. The Nilghai arrived around noon for chess and friendly conversation.
“It’s worse than anything I imagined,” said Torpenhow.
“It’s worse than anything I thought,” said Torpenhow.
“Oh, the everlasting Dick, I suppose! You fuss over him like a hen with one chick. Let him run riot if he thinks it’ll amuse him. You can whip a young pup off feather, but you can’t whip a young man.”
“Oh, the never-ending Dick, I guess! You fuss over him like a mother hen with her chick. Let him go wild if it makes him happy. You can keep a young puppy in line, but you can’t control a young man.”
“It isn’t a woman. It’s one woman; and it’s a girl.”
“It’s not just a woman. It’s one woman; and it’s a girl.”
“Where’s your proof?”
"Where's your evidence?"
“He got up and went out at eight this morning,—got up in the middle of the night, by Jove! a thing he never does except when he’s on service.
“He got up and went out at eight this morning—got up in the middle of the night, really! Something he never does unless he’s on duty.
Even then, remember, we had to kick him out of his blankets before the fight began at El-Maghrib. It’s disgusting.”
Even back then, remember, we had to kick him out of his blankets before the fight started at El-Maghrib. It's disgusting.
“It looks odd; but maybe he’s decided to buy a horse at last. He might get up for that, mightn’t he?”
“It looks strange; but maybe he’s finally decided to buy a horse. He might get up for that, right?”
“Buy a blazing wheelbarrow! He’d have told us if there was a horse in the wind. It’s a girl.”
“Get a bright wheelbarrow! He would have mentioned if there was a horse in the wind. It’s a girl.”
“Don’t be certain. Perhaps it’s only a married woman.”
“Don’t be so sure. Maybe it’s just a married woman.”
“Dick has some sense of humour, if you haven’t. Who gets up in the gray dawn to call on another man’s wife? It’s a girl.”
“Dick has a sense of humor, if you don’t. Who gets up at dawn to visit another guy's wife? It's a girl.”
“Let it be a girl, then. She may teach him that there’s somebody else in the world besides himself.”
“Let it be a girl, then. She might teach him that there’s someone else in the world besides just him.”
“She’ll spoil his hand. She’ll waste his time, and she’ll marry him, and ruin his work for ever. He’ll be a respectable married man before we can stop him, and—he’ll never go on the long trail again.”
“She’ll ruin him. She’ll waste his time, and she’ll marry him, ruining his work forever. He’ll be a respectable married man before we can stop him, and—he’ll never go on the long trail again.”
“All quite possible, but the earth won’t spin the other way when that happens.... No! ho! I’d give something to see Dick “go wooing with the boys.” Don’t worry about it. These things be with Allah, and we can only look on. Get the chessmen.”
“All totally possible, but the earth isn't going to spin the other way when that happens.... No! Oh! I’d pay to see Dick “go wooing with the boys.” Don’t stress about it. These things are in Allah’s hands, and we can only watch. Get the chess pieces.”
The red-haired girl was lying down in her own room, staring at the ceiling. The footsteps of people on the pavement sounded, as they grew indistinct in the distance, like a many-times-repeated kiss that was all one long kiss. Her hands were by her side, and they opened and shut savagely from time to time.
The red-haired girl was lying in her room, staring at the ceiling. The sound of footsteps on the pavement faded into the distance, like a kiss that kept repeating itself, forming one long kiss. Her hands were at her sides, occasionally opening and closing in a fierce way.
The charwoman in charge of the scrubbing of the studio knocked at her door: “Beg y’ pardon, miss, but in cleanin’ of a floor there’s two, not to say three, kind of soap, which is yaller, an’ mottled, an’ disinfectink.
The cleaning lady responsible for scrubbing the studio knocked on her door: “Excuse me, miss, but when it comes to cleaning a floor, there are two, or even three, types of soap: one that’s yellow, one that’s mottled, and one that’s disinfectant.
Now, jist before I took my pail into the passage I though it would be pre’aps jest as well if I was to come up ’ere an’ ask you what sort of soap you was wishful that I should use on them boards. The yaller soap, miss——”
Now, just before I took my bucket into the hallway, I thought it would be best if I came up here and asked you what kind of soap you would like me to use on those floors. The yellow soap, miss—
There was nothing in the speech to have caused the paroxysm of fury that drove the red-haired girl into the middle of the room, almost shouting—
There was nothing in the speech that could have triggered the explosive rage that propelled the red-haired girl into the center of the room, nearly shouting—
“Do you suppose I care what you use? Any kind will do!—any kind!”
“Do you really think I care what you use? Any kind is fine!—any kind!”
The woman fled, and the red-haired girl looked at her own reflection in the glass for an instant and covered her face with her hands. It was as though she had shouted some shameless secret aloud.
The woman ran away, and the red-haired girl glanced at her reflection in the glass for a moment before covering her face with her hands. It was as if she had shouted some embarrassing secret out loud.
CHAPTER VII
Roses red and roses white
Plucked I for my love’s delight.
She would none of all my posies,—
Bade me gather her blue roses.
Half the world I wandered through,
Seeking where such flowers grew;
Half the world unto my quest
Answered but with laugh and jest.
It may be beyond the grave
She shall find what she would have.
Mine was but an idle quest,—
Roses white and red are best!—Blue Roses.
Roses red and roses white
I picked for my love’s happiness.
She didn’t want any of my flowers,—
Told me to find her blue roses.
I roamed halfway around the world,
Searching for where those flowers grew;
Half the world replied to my search
With nothing but laughter and jokes.
Maybe beyond the grave
She’ll discover what she truly wants.
Mine was just a pointless quest,—
Roses white and red are the best!—Blue Roses.
The sea had not changed. Its waters were low on the mud-banks, and the Marazion Bell-buoy clanked and swung in the tide-way. On the white beach-sand dried stumps of sea-poppy shivered and chattered.
The sea hadn’t changed. Its waters were low on the mud banks, and the Marazion Bell-buoy clanked and swung in the currents. On the white beach sand, dried stumps of sea poppy shivered and rattled.
“I don’t see the old breakwater,” said Maisie, under her breath.
“I can’t see the old breakwater,” said Maisie, quietly.
“Let’s be thankful that we have as much as we have. I don’t believe they’ve mounted a single new gun on the fort since we were here. Come and look.”
“Let’s be grateful for what we have. I don’t think they’ve installed a single new gun on the fort since we were here. Come and check it out.”
They came to the glacis of Fort Keeling, and sat down in a nook sheltered from the wind under the tarred throat of a forty-pounder cannon.
They arrived at the slope of Fort Keeling and settled into a nook protected from the wind beneath the tarred mouth of a forty-pound cannon.
“Now, if Ammoma were only here!” said Maisie.
“Now, if Ammoma were just here!” said Maisie.
For a long time both were silent. Then Dick took Maisie’s hand and called her by her name.
For a long time, they both stayed quiet. Then Dick took Maisie’s hand and called her by name.
She shook her head and looked out to sea.
She shook her head and gazed out at the ocean.
“Maisie, darling, doesn’t it make any difference?”
“Maisie, sweetheart, doesn’t it make a difference?”
“No!” between clenched teeth. “I’d—I’d tell you if it did; but it doesn’t, Oh, Dick, please be sensible.”
“No!” through gritted teeth. “I’d—I’d let you know if it did; but it doesn’t. Oh, Dick, please be reasonable.”
“Don’t you think that it ever will?”
“Don’t you think it ever will?”
“No, I’m sure it won’t.”
“No, I’m sure it will.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
Maisie rested her chin on her hand, and, still regarding the sea, spoke hurriedly—“I know what you want perfectly well, but I can’t give it to you, Dick. It isn’t my fault; indeed, it isn’t. If I felt that I could care for any one——But I don’t feel that I care. I simply don’t understand what the feeling means.”
Maisie rested her chin on her hand and, still looking at the sea, said quickly, “I know exactly what you want, but I can’t give it to you, Dick. It’s not my fault; really, it isn’t. If I thought I could care for anyone— but I don’t feel like I care. I just don’t understand what that feeling even means.”
“Is that true, dear?”
"Is that true, hon?"
“You’ve been very good to me, Dickie; and the only way I can pay you back is by speaking the truth. I daren’t tell a fib. I despise myself quite enough as it is.”
“You’ve been really good to me, Dickie; and the only way I can repay you is by being honest. I can’t bring myself to lie. I already dislike myself enough as it is.”
“What in the world for?”
“What’s that all about?”
“Because—because I take everything that you give me and I give you nothing in return. It’s mean and selfish of me, and whenever I think of it it worries me.”
“Because—because I take everything you give me, and I don’t give you anything back. It’s unfair and selfish of me, and every time I think about it, it bothers me.”
“Understand once for all, then, that I can manage my own affairs, and if I choose to do anything you aren’t to blame. You haven’t a single thing to reproach yourself with, darling.”
“Understand once and for all, then, that I can handle my own affairs, and if I decide to do anything, you aren’t to blame. You have nothing to feel guilty about, darling.”
“Yes, I have, and talking only makes it worse.”
"Yeah, I have, and talking about it just makes it worse."
“Then don’t talk about it.”
“Then don’t mention it.”
“How can I help myself? If you find me alone for a minute you are always talking about it; and when you aren’t you look it. You don’t know how I despise myself sometimes.”
“How can I help myself? If you catch me alone for a minute, you’re always talking about it; and when you’re not, you look like you are. You have no idea how much I hate myself sometimes.”
“Great goodness!” said Dick, nearly jumping to his feet. “Speak the truth now, Maisie, if you never speak it again! Do I—does this worrying bore you?”
“Wow!” said Dick, almost jumping up. “Tell me the truth now, Maisie, if you never say it again! Am I—does this worry annoy you?”
“No. It does not.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“You’d tell me if it did?”
“You’d tell me if it did?”
“I should let you know, I think.”
“I should let you know, I guess.”
“Thank you. The other thing is fatal. But you must learn to forgive a man when he’s in love. He’s always a nuisance. You must have known that?”
“Thank you. The other thing is deadly. But you have to learn to forgive a guy when he’s in love. He’s always a pain. You must have known that?”
Maisie did not consider the last question worth answering, and Dick was forced to repeat it.
Maisie didn’t think the last question was worth answering, so Dick had to repeat it.
“There were other men, of course. They always worried just when I was in the middle of my work, and wanted me to listen to them.”
“There were other guys, of course. They always interrupted me right when I was focused on my work and wanted me to pay attention to them.”
“Did you listen?”
"Did you hear?"
“At first; and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t care. And they used to praise my pictures; and I thought they meant it. I used to be proud of the praise, and tell Kami, and—I shall never forget—once Kami laughed at me.”
“At first, they couldn’t understand why I didn’t care. They used to praise my pictures, and I thought they meant it. I used to be proud of the praise, and tell Kami, and—I’ll never forget—once Kami laughed at me.”
“You don’t like being laughed at, Maisie, do you?”
“You don't like it when people laugh at you, do you, Maisie?”
“I hate it. I never laugh at other people unless—unless they do bad work.
“I hate it. I never laugh at other people unless—unless they do a bad job.
Dick, tell me honestly what you think of my pictures generally,—of everything of mine that you’ve seen.”
Dick, honestly tell me what you think of my pictures overall—of everything you've seen of mine.
““Honest, honest, and honest over!”’ quoted Dick from a catchword of long ago. “Tell me what Kami always says.”
“Honest, honest, and honest over!” Dick quoted from a saying from the past. “Tell me what Kami always says.”
Maisie hesitated. “He—he says that there is feeling in them.”
Maisie paused. “He—he says that there's emotion in them.”
“How dare you tell me a fib like that? Remember, I was under Kami for two years. I know exactly what he says.”
“How dare you lie to me like that? Remember, I served under Kami for two years. I know exactly what he says.”
“It isn’t a fib.”
“It’s not a lie.”
“It’s worse; it’s a half-truth. Kami says, when he puts his head on one side,—so,—‘Il y a du sentiment, mais il n’y a pas de parti pris.’” He rolled the r threateningly, as Kami used to do.
“It’s worse; it’s a half-truth. Kami says, when he tilts his head to the side,—like this,—‘Il y a du sentiment, mais il n’y a pas de parti pris.’” He rolled the r menacingly, just like Kami used to.
“Yes, that is what he says; and I’m beginning to think that he is right.”
“Yes, that’s what he says; and I’m starting to think he’s right.”
“Certainly he is.” Dick admitted that two people in the world could do and say no wrong. Kami was the man.
“Definitely he is.” Dick acknowledged that there were only two people in the world who could do and say no wrong. Kami was one of them.
“And now you say the same thing. It’s so disheartening.”
“And now you’re saying the same thing. It’s so discouraging.”
“I’m sorry, but you asked me to speak the truth. Besides, I love you too much to pretend about your work. It’s strong, it’s patient sometimes,—not always,—and sometimes there’s power in it, but there’s no special reason why it should be done at all. At least, that’s how it strikes me.”
“I’m sorry, but you asked me to be honest. Plus, I care about you too much to lie about your work. It’s strong, it’s patient sometimes—not all the time—and there’s power in it sometimes, but there’s no particular reason for it to exist at all. At least, that’s how I see it.”
“There’s no special reason why anything in the world should ever be done. You know that as well as I do. I only want success.”
“There’s no real reason why anything in the world needs to be done. You know that just as well as I do. I just want to succeed.”
“You’re going the wrong way to get it, then. Hasn’t Kami ever told you so?”
“You're heading in the wrong direction to get it, then. Hasn't Kami ever mentioned that to you?”
“Don’t quote Kami to me. I want to know what you think. My work’s bad, to begin with.”
“Don’t bring up Kami. I want to hear your thoughts. My work isn’t great, to be honest.”
“I didn’t say that, and I don’t think it.”
“I didn’t say that, and I don’t believe it.”
“It’s amateurish, then.”
"It's kind of amateurish, then."
“That it most certainly is not. You’re a work-woman, darling, to your boot-heels, and I respect you for that.”
“That it definitely isn't. You're a hardworking woman, darling, to your core, and I admire you for that.”
“You don’t laugh at me behind my back?”
“You're not laughing at me behind my back, right?”
“No, dear. You see, you are more to me than any one else. Put this cloak thing round you, or you’ll get chilled.”
“No, dear. You see, you mean more to me than anyone else. Put this cloak around you, or you’ll get cold.”
Maisie wrapped herself in the soft marten skins, turning the gray kangaroo fur to the outside.
Maisie wrapped herself in the soft marten fur, with the gray kangaroo fur facing outward.
“This is delicious,” she said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully along the fur.
“This is delicious,” she said, thoughtfully rubbing her chin against the fur.
“Well? Why am I wrong in trying to get a little success?”
“Well? Why is it wrong for me to want to achieve a little success?”
“Just because you try. Don’t you understand, darling? Good work has nothing to do with—doesn’t belong to—the person who does it. It’s put into him or her from outside.”
“Just because you try. Don’t you get it, darling? Good work has nothing to do with—doesn’t belong to—the person who does it. It comes from outside of them.”
“But how does that affect——”
“But how does that impact——”
“Wait a minute. All we can do is to learn how to do our work, to be masters of our materials instead of servants, and never to be afraid of anything.”
“Hold on. All we can do is learn how to do our jobs, to be masters of our tools instead of slaves, and never to be afraid of anything.”
“I understand that.”
"I get it."
“Everything else comes from outside ourselves. Very good. If we sit down quietly to work out notions that are sent to us, we may or we may not do something that isn’t bad. A great deal depends on being master of the bricks and mortar of the trade. But the instant we begin to think about success and the effect of our work—to play with one eye on the gallery—we lose power and touch and everything else. At least that’s how I have found it. Instead of being quiet and giving every power you possess to your work, you’re fretting over something which you can neither help no hinder by a minute. See?”
“Everything else comes from outside us. That's fine. If we sit down quietly to develop ideas that come to us, we might create something decent, or we might not. A lot relies on being in control of the tools of the trade. But the moment we start focusing on success and how our work will be received—keeping one eye on the audience—we lose our grip and everything else. At least, that’s what I’ve experienced. Instead of being calm and pouring all your energy into your work, you’re stressing over something you can’t change in the slightest. Understand?”
“It’s so easy for you to talk in that way. People like what you do. Don’t you ever think about the gallery?”
“It’s so easy for you to talk like that. People like what you do. Don’t you ever think about the gallery?”
“Much too often; but I’m always punished for it by loss of power. It’s as simple as the Rule of Three. If we make light of our work by using it for our own ends, our work will make light of us, and, as we’re the weaker, we shall suffer.”
“Way too often; but I always pay the price with a loss of power. It’s as straightforward as the Rule of Three. If we take our work lightly and use it for our own purposes, our work will take us lightly, and since we’re the weaker ones, we’ll end up suffering.”
“I don’t treat my work lightly. You know that it’s everything to me.”
“I take my work seriously. You know it means everything to me.”
“Of course; but, whether you realise it or not, you give two strokes for yourself to one for your work. It isn’t your fault, darling. I do exactly the same thing, and know that I’m doing it. Most of the French schools, and all the schools here, drive the students to work for their own credit, and for the sake of their pride. I was told that all the world was interested in my work, and everybody at Kami’s talked turpentine, and I honestly believed that the world needed elevating and influencing, and all manner of impertinences, by my brushes. By Jove, I actually believed that! When my little head was bursting with a notion that I couldn’t handle because I hadn’t sufficient knowledge of my craft, I used to run about wondering at my own magnificence and getting ready to astonish the world.”
“Of course; but, whether you realize it or not, you put in two efforts for yourself for every one for your work. It isn’t your fault, darling. I do the same thing, and I know I’m doing it. Most French schools, and all the schools here, push students to work for their own recognition and pride. I was told that everyone was interested in my work, and everyone at Kami’s talked about turpentine, and I honestly believed that the world needed uplifting and influencing, and all sorts of nonsense, through my brushes. By Jove, I actually believed that! When my little head was bursting with an idea I couldn’t manage because I didn’t have enough knowledge of my craft, I would run around marveling at my own greatness and getting ready to shock the world.”
“But surely one can do that sometimes?”
“But surely one can do that sometimes?”
“Very seldom with malice aforethought, darling. And when it’s done it’s such a tiny thing, and the world’s so big, and all but a millionth part of it doesn’t care. Maisie, come with me and I’ll show you something of the size of the world. One can no more avoid working than eating,—that goes on by itself,—but try to see what you are working for. I know such little heavens that I could take you to,—islands tucked away under the Line.
“Very rarely with intentional malice, darling. And when it happens, it’s such a small thing, and the world’s so vast, and almost a millionth of it doesn’t care. Maisie, come with me and I’ll show you something about the size of the world. One can no more avoid working than eating—that just happens on its own—but try to see what you are working for. I know such little heavens that I could take you to—islands hidden away just below the equator.
You sight them after weeks of crashing through water as black as black marble because it’s so deep, and you sit in the fore-chains day after day and see the sun rise almost afraid because the sea’s so lonely.”
You spot them after weeks of battling through water as dark as marble because it’s so deep, and you sit in the front of the boat day after day and watch the sun rise, almost scared because the sea feels so lonely.
“Who is afraid?—you, or the sun?”
“Who’s afraid? You or the sun?”
“The sun, of course. And there are noises under the sea, and sounds overhead in a clear sky. Then you find your island alive with hot moist orchids that make mouths at you and can do everything except talk.
“The sun, of course. And there are noises under the sea, and sounds above in a clear sky. Then you discover your island buzzing with hot, moist orchids that seem to beckon to you and can do everything except talk.”
There’s a waterfall in it three hundred feet high, just like a sliver of green jade laced with silver; and millions of wild bees live up in the rocks; and you can hear the fat cocoanuts falling from the palms; and you order an ivory-white servant to sling you a long yellow hammock with tassels on it like ripe maize, and you put up your feet and hear the bees hum and the water fall till you go to sleep.”
There’s a waterfall in it that’s three hundred feet high, looking like a piece of green jade mixed with silver; millions of wild bees make their home in the rocks; you can hear the heavy coconuts dropping from the palms; and you ask a light-skinned servant to set up a long yellow hammock with tassels like ripe corn, then you kick back, listen to the bees buzzing and the water cascading until you drift off to sleep.
“Can one work there?”
"Can someone work there?"
“Certainly. One must do something always. You hang your canvas up in a palm tree and let the parrots criticise. When they scuffle you heave a ripe custard-apple at them, and it bursts in a lather of cream. There are hundreds of places. Come and see them.”
“Of course. You always have to do something. You can hang your canvas in a palm tree and let the parrots critique it. When they start to fight, you throw a ripe custard apple at them, and it explodes in a mess of cream. There are tons of places. Come check them out.”
“I don’t quite like that place. It sounds lazy. Tell me another.”
“I’m not really into that place. It sounds boring. Show me something else.”
“What do you think of a big, red, dead city built of red sandstone, with raw green aloes growing between the stones, lying out neglected on honey-coloured sands? There are forty dead kings there, Maisie, each in a gorgeous tomb finer than all the others. You look at the palaces and streets and shops and tanks, and think that men must live there, till you find a wee gray squirrel rubbing its nose all alone in the market-place, and a jewelled peacock struts out of a carved doorway and spreads its tail against a marble screen as fine pierced as point-lace. Then a monkey—a little black monkey—walks through the main square to get a drink from a tank forty feet deep. He slides down the creepers to the water’s edge, and a friend holds him by the tail, in case he should fall in.”
“What do you think of a big, red, deserted city made of red sandstone, with wild green aloes growing between the stones, just sitting there neglected on honey-colored sands? There are forty dead kings there, Maisie, each in a beautiful tomb more impressive than all the others. You look at the palaces, streets, shops, and water tanks, and think that people must have lived there, until you spot a little gray squirrel rubbing its nose all alone in the market square, and a jeweled peacock struts out of a carved doorway and spreads its tail against a marble screen as delicate as lace. Then a monkey—a small black monkey—walks through the main square to get a drink from a tank that's forty feet deep. He slides down the vines to the water's edge, and a friend holds him by the tail, just in case he falls in.”
“Is that all true?”
"Is that really true?"
“I have been there and seen. Then evening comes, and the lights change till it’s just as though you stood in the heart of a king-opal. A little before sundown, as punctually as clockwork, a big bristly wild boar, with all his family following, trots through the city gate, churning the foam on his tusks. You climb on the shoulder of a blind black stone god and watch that pig choose himself a palace for the night and stump in wagging his tail. Then the night-wind gets up, and the sands move, and you hear the desert outside the city singing, “Now I lay me down to sleep,” and everything is dark till the moon rises. Maisie, darling, come with me and see what the world is really like. It’s very lovely, and it’s very horrible,—but I won’t let you see anything horrid,—and it doesn’t care your life or mine for pictures or anything else except doing its own work and making love. Come, and I’ll show you how to brew sangaree, and sling a hammock, and—oh, thousands of things, and you’ll see for yourself what colour means, and we’ll find out together what love means, and then, maybe, we shall be allowed to do some good work. Come away!”
“I’ve been there and seen it. Then evening comes, and the lights shift until it feels like you’re standing in the heart of a king-opal. Just before sundown, as reliably as clockwork, a big, bristly wild boar, with his whole family following, trots through the city gate, foam churning on his tusks. You climb onto the shoulder of a blind black stone god and watch that pig pick out a palace for the night and waddle in, wagging his tail. Then the night wind picks up, the sands shift, and you hear the desert outside the city singing, “Now I lay me down to sleep,” and everything goes dark until the moon rises. Maisie, darling, come with me and see what the world is really like. It’s beautiful and terrible—but I won’t let you see anything awful—and it doesn’t care about your life or mine for pictures or anything else except doing its own thing and making love. Come, and I’ll show you how to make sangaree, and set up a hammock, and—oh, thousands of things, and you’ll see for yourself what color means, and we’ll discover together what love means, and then, maybe, we’ll be able to do some good work. Come away!”
“Why?” said Maisie.
“Why?” asked Maisie.
“How can you do anything until you have seen everything, or as much as you can? And besides, darling, I love you. Come along with me. You have no business here; you don’t belong to this place; you’re half a gipsy,—your face tells that; and I—even the smell of open water makes me restless. Come across the sea and be happy!”
“How can you do anything until you've seen everything, or at least as much as possible? And besides, sweetheart, I love you. Come with me. You don’t belong here; you’re half a gypsy—your face shows that; and I—even the smell of open water makes me uneasy. Come across the sea and be happy!”
He had risen to his feet, and stood in the shadow of the gun, looking down at the girl. The very short winter afternoon had worn away, and, before they knew, the winter moon was walking the untroubled sea. Long ruled lines of silver showed where a ripple of the rising tide was turning over the mud-banks. The wind had dropped, and in the intense stillness they could hear a donkey cropping the frosty grass many yards away. A faint beating, like that of a muffled drum, came out of the moon-haze.
He got up and stood in the shadow of the gun, looking down at the girl. The brief winter afternoon had faded, and before they realized it, the winter moon was shining over the calm sea. Long, shining lines of silver marked where a ripple from the rising tide was turning over the mud banks. The wind had died down, and in the deep silence, they could hear a donkey munching on the frosty grass many yards away. A faint thumping, like a muffled drum, echoed out of the moonlit haze.
“What’s that?” said Maisie, quickly. “It sounds like a heart beating. Where is it?”
“What’s that?” Maisie said quickly. “It sounds like a heart beating. Where is it?”
Dick was so angry at this sudden wrench to his pleadings that he could not trust himself to speak, and in this silence caught the sound. Maisie from her seat under the gun watched him with a certain amount of fear. She wished so much that he would be sensible and cease to worry her with over-sea emotion that she both could and could not understand. She was not prepared, however, for the change in his face as he listened.
Dick was so furious about this sudden turn to his pleas that he couldn't trust himself to speak, and in that silence, he caught the sound. Maisie, sitting under the gun, watched him with a bit of fear. She really wanted him to be sensible and stop stressing her out with emotions from overseas that she could both understand and not understand at the same time. However, she wasn't ready for the change in his face as he listened.
“It’s a steamer,” he said,—“a twin-screw steamer, by the beat. I can’t make her out, but she must be standing very close in-shore. Ah!” as the red of a rocket streaked the haze, “she’s standing in to signal before she clears the Channel.”
“It’s a steamer,” he said, “a twin-screw steamer, by the sound. I can’t figure her out, but she must be really close to shore. Ah!” as the red of a rocket cut through the haze, “she’s coming in to signal before she sails out of the Channel.”
“Is it a wreck?” said Maisie, to whom these words were as Greek.
“Is it a wreck?” said Maisie, who had no idea what those words meant.
Dick’s eyes were turned to the sea. “Wreck! What nonsense! She’s only reporting herself. Red rocket forward—there’s a green light aft now, and two red rockets from the bridge.”
Dick’s eyes were fixed on the sea. “Wreck! What nonsense! She’s just calling out her own position. Red rocket ahead—there’s a green light at the back now, and two red rockets from the bridge.”
“What does that mean?”
"What does that mean?"
“It’s the signal of the Cross Keys Line running to Australia. I wonder which steamer it is.” The note of his voice had changed; he seemed to be talking to himself, and Maisie did not approve of it. The moonlight broke the haze for a moment, touching the black sides of a long steamer working down Channel. “Four masts and three funnels—she’s in deep draught, too. That must be the Barralong, or the Bhutia. No, the Bhutia has a clopper bow. It’s the Barralong, to Australia. She’ll lift the Southern Cross in a week,—lucky old tub!—oh, lucky old tub!”
“It’s the signal for the Cross Keys Line heading to Australia. I wonder which steamer it is.” The tone of his voice changed; he seemed to be talking to himself, and Maisie didn’t like it. The moonlight broke through the haze for a moment, highlighting the black sides of a long steamer moving down the Channel. “Four masts and three funnels—she’s got a deep draft, too. That must be the Barralong, or the Bhutia. No, the Bhutia has a clopped bow. It’s the Barralong, heading to Australia. She’ll catch the Southern Cross in a week—lucky old tub!—oh, lucky old tub!”
He stared intently, and moved up the slope of the fort to get a better view, but the mist on the sea thickened again, and the beating of the screws grew fainter. Maisie called to him a little angrily, and he returned, still keeping his eyes to seaward. “Have you ever seen the Southern Cross blazing right over your head?” he asked. “It’s superb!”
He stared intently and climbed up the slope of the fort for a better view, but the mist over the sea thickened again, and the sound of the motors faded. Maisie called to him, a bit annoyed, and he came back, still keeping his eyes on the sea. “Have you ever seen the Southern Cross shining right above you?” he asked. “It’s amazing!”
“No,” she said shortly, “and I don’t want to. If you think it’s so lovely, why don’t you go and see it yourself?”
“No,” she replied curtly, “and I don’t want to. If you think it’s so great, why don’t you go and check it out yourself?”
She raised her face from the soft blackness of the marten skins about her throat, and her eyes shone like diamonds. The moonlight on the gray kangaroo fur turned it to frosted silver of the coldest.
She lifted her face from the soft darkness of the marten fur around her neck, and her eyes sparkled like diamonds. The moonlight on the gray kangaroo fur transformed it into frosted silver in the coldest glow.
“By Jove, Maisie, you look like a little heathen idol tucked up there.” The eyes showed that they did not appreciate the compliment. “I’m sorry,” he continued. “The Southern Cross isn’t worth looking at unless someone helps you to see. That steamer’s out of hearing.”
“Wow, Maisie, you look like a little pagan idol up there.” The eyes indicated that they didn’t like the compliment. “I’m sorry,” he continued. “The Southern Cross isn’t worth seeing unless someone helps you look at it. That steamer’s out of earshot.”
“Dick,” she said quietly, “suppose I were to come to you now,—be quiet a minute,—just as I am, and caring for you just as much as I do.”
“Dick,” she said softly, “what if I came to you right now,—just hold on a minute,—exactly as I am, and feeling as much for you as I do.”
“Not as a brother, though? You said you didn’t—in the Park.”
“Not as a brother, though? You said you didn’t—in the park.”
“I never had a brother. Suppose I said, “Take me to those places, and in time, perhaps, I might really care for you,” what would you do?”
“I never had a brother. What if I said, “Take me to those places, and maybe over time I could actually care for you,” what would you do?”
“Send you straight back to where you came from, in a cab. No, I wouldn’t; I’d let you walk. But you couldn’t do it, dear. And I wouldn’t run the risk. You’re worth waiting for till you can come without reservation.”
“Send you straight back to where you came from, in a cab. No, I wouldn’t; I’d let you walk. But you couldn’t do it, dear. And I wouldn’t run the risk. You’re worth waiting for until you can come without hesitation.”
“Do you honestly believe that?”
“Do you really believe that?”
“I have a hazy sort of idea that I do. Has it never struck you in that light?”
“I have a vague feeling that I do. Has it never occurred to you that way?”
“Ye—es. I feel so wicked about it.”
“Yeah—totally. I feel really guilty about it.”
“Wickeder than usual?”
"Wickeder than usual?"
“You don’t know all I think. It’s almost too awful to tell.”
“You don’t know everything I think. It’s nearly too terrible to share.”
“Never mind. You promised to tell me the truth—at least.”
“Forget it. You said you would tell me the truth—at least.”
“It’s so ungrateful of me, but—but, though I know you care for me, and I like to have you with me, I’d—I’d even sacrifice you, if that would bring me what I want.”
“It’s so ungrateful of me, but—but, even though I know you care about me, and I enjoy having you around, I’d—I’d even give you up if that would get me what I want.”
“My poor little darling! I know that state of mind. It doesn’t lead to good work.”
“My poor little darling! I understand that feeling. It doesn’t lead to anything productive.”
“You aren’t angry? Remember, I do despise myself.”
“You're not mad? Just so you know, I really hate myself.”
“I’m not exactly flattered,—I had guessed as much before,—but I’m not angry. I’m sorry for you. Surely you ought to have left a littleness like that behind you, years ago.”
“I’m not really flattered—I kind of figured that out already—but I’m not mad. I feel sorry for you. You really should have moved past something so petty a long time ago.”
“You’ve no right to patronise me! I only want what I have worked for so long. It came to you without any trouble, and—and I don’t think it’s fair.”
“You have no right to look down on me! I just want what I’ve worked for all this time. It came to you without any effort, and—and I don’t think that’s fair.”
“What can I do? I’d give ten years of my life to get you what you want.
“What can I do? I’d give ten years of my life to help you get what you want.
But I can’t help you; even I can’t help.”
But I can’t help you; even I can’t do anything.
A murmur of dissent from Maisie. He went on—“And I know by what you have just said that you’re on the wrong road to success. It isn’t got at by sacrificing other people,—I’ve had that much knocked into me; you must sacrifice yourself, and live under orders, and never think for yourself, and never have real satisfaction in your work except just at the beginning, when you’re reaching out after a notion.”
A quiet expression of disagreement from Maisie. He continued, “And I can tell from what you just said that you’re heading down the wrong path to success. You don’t achieve it by stepping on others—I’ve learned that the hard way; you have to put yourself last, follow orders, never think for yourself, and only feel true satisfaction in your work right at the start, when you're chasing an idea.”
“How can you believe all that?”
“How can you believe any of that?”
“There’s no question of belief or disbelief. That’s the law, and you take it or refuse it as you please. I try to obey, but I can’t, and then my work turns bad on my hands. Under any circumstances, remember, four-fifths of everybody’s work must be bad. But the remnant is worth the trouble for it’s own sake.”
“There’s no question about believing or not believing. That’s the rule, and you can accept it or reject it as you wish. I try to follow it, but I can’t, and then my work goes poorly. Under any circumstances, keep in mind, four-fifths of everyone’s work has to be bad. But the leftover is worth the effort just for its own sake.”
“Isn’t it nice to get credit even for bad work?”
“Isn’t it great to get credit even for poor work?”
“It’s much too nice. But—— May I tell you something? It isn’t a pretty tale, but you’re so like a man that I forget when I’m talking to you.”
“It’s way too nice. But—can I tell you something? It’s not a pretty story, but you’re so much like a guy that I forget when I’m talking to you.”
“Tell me.”
"Tell me."
“Once when I was out in the Soudan I went over some ground that we had been fighting on for three days. There were twelve hundred dead; and we hadn’t time to bury them.”
“Once when I was in the Sudan, I walked over some land where we had been fighting for three days. There were twelve hundred dead, and we didn’t have time to bury them.”
“How ghastly!”
“How horrifying!”
“I had been at work on a big double-sheet sketch, and I was wondering what people would think of it at home. The sight of that field taught me a good deal. It looked just like a bed of horrible toadstools in all colours, and—I’d never seen men in bulk go back to their beginnings before. So I began to understand that men and women were only material to work with, and that what they said or did was of no consequence. See? Strictly speaking, you might just as well put your ear down to the palette to catch what your colours are saying.”
“I had been working on a big double-sheet sketch, and I was curious about what people at home would think of it. Seeing that field taught me a lot. It looked just like a patch of awful mushrooms in every color, and—I had never seen people in large groups revert to their origins before. So I started to realize that men and women were just materials to work with, and that what they said or did didn’t really matter. You see? Honestly, you might as well put your ear to the palette to hear what your colors are saying.”
“Dick, that’s disgraceful!”
“Dude, that’s disgraceful!”
“Wait a minute. I said, strictly speaking. Unfortunately, everybody must be either a man or a woman.”
“Hold on a second. I said, to be precise. Unfortunately, everyone has to identify as either male or female.”
“I’m glad you allow that much.”
“I’m glad you see it that way.”
“In your case I don’t. You aren’t a woman. But ordinary people, Maisie, must behave and work as such. That’s what makes me so savage.” He hurled a pebble towards the sea as he spoke. “I know that it is outside my business to care what people say; I can see that it spoils my output if I listen to ’em; and yet, confound it all,”—another pebble flew seaward,—“I can’t help purring when I’m rubbed the right way. Even when I can see on a man’s forehead that he is lying his way through a clump of pretty speeches, those lies make me happy and play the mischief with my hand.”
“In your case, I don’t. You’re not a woman. But ordinary people, Maisie, have to act and work like one. That’s what drives me so crazy.” He threw a pebble towards the sea as he spoke. “I know it's not my concern what people say; I can see it messes up my work if I pay attention to them; and yet, darn it all,”—another pebble flew out to sea,—“I can't help feeling good when I'm treated nicely. Even when I can tell a guy is lying through a bunch of sweet talk, those lies make me feel good and screw up my work.”
“And when he doesn’t say pretty things?”
“And what if he doesn’t say nice things?”
“Then, belovedest,”—Dick grinned,—“I forget that I am the steward of these gifts, and I want to make that man love and appreciate my work with a thick stick. It’s too humiliating altogether; but I suppose even if one were an angel and painted humans altogether from outside, one would lose in touch what one gained in grip.”
“Then, my dearest,”—Dick grinned,—“I forget that I’m just the steward of these gifts, and I want to make that man love and appreciate my work with a heavy hand. It’s really humiliating; but I guess even if you were an angel and painted people purely from the outside, you’d lose the connection in what you gained in control.”
Maisie laughed at the idea of Dick as an angel.
Maisie laughed at the thought of Dick being an angel.
“But you seem to think,” she said, “that everything nice spoils your hand.”
“But you seem to think,” she said, “that anything nice ruins your chances.”
“I don’t think. It’s the law,—just the same as it was at Mrs. Jennett’s.
“I don’t think. It’s the law—just like it was at Mrs. Jennett’s."
Everything that is nice does spoil your hand. I’m glad you see so clearly.”
Everything nice does end up messing with your hands. I'm glad you see things so clearly.
“I don’t like the view.”
"I dislike the view."
“Nor I. But—have got orders: what can do? Are you strong enough to face it alone?”
“Neither do I. But I’ve got orders: what can I do? Are you strong enough to face it on your own?”
“I suppose I must.”
"I guess I have to."
“Let me help, darling. We can hold each other very tight and try to walk straight. We shall blunder horribly, but it will be better than stumbling apart. Maisie, can’t you see reason?”
“Let me help, darling. We can hold each other really tight and try to walk straight. We’re going to mess up badly, but it’ll be better than stumbling away from each other. Maisie, can’t you see reason?”
“I don’t think we should get on together. We should be two of a trade, so we should never agree.”
“I don’t think we should team up. We should each stick to our own roles, so we’ll never see eye to eye.”
“How I should like to meet the man who made that proverb! He lived in a cave and ate raw bear, I fancy. I’d make him chew his own arrow-heads.
“How I would love to meet the person who created that proverb! I imagine he lived in a cave and ate raw bear meat. I’d make him chew on his own arrowheads.”
Well?”
What's up?
“I should be only half married to you. I should worry and fuss about my work, as I do now. Four days out of the seven I’m not fit to speak to.”
“I would only be half married to you. I would worry and stress about my work, just like I do now. Four days out of the week, I’m not even fit to talk to.”
“You talk as if no one else in the world had ever used a brush. D’you suppose that I don’t know the feeling of worry and bother and can’t-get-at-ness? You’re lucky if you only have it four days out of the seven. What difference would that make?”
“You speak like no one else in the world has ever used a brush. Do you think I don’t understand the feeling of anxiety and frustration? You’re fortunate if you only experience it four days a week. What difference does that make?”
“A great deal—if you had it too.”
“A lot—if you had it as well.”
“Yes, but I could respect it. Another man might not. He might laugh at you. But there’s no use talking about it. If you can think in that way you can’t care for me—yet.”
“Yes, but I could respect it. Another guy might not. He might laugh at you. But there’s no point in discussing it. If you can think like that, you can’t care for me—yet.”
The tide had nearly covered the mud-banks and twenty little ripples broke on the beach before Maisie chose to speak.
The tide was almost covering the mud-banks, and twenty small ripples crashed on the beach before Maisie decided to speak.
“Dick,” she said slowly, “I believe very much that you are better than I am.”
“Dick,” she said slowly, “I truly believe that you’re better than I am.”
“This doesn’t seem to bear on the argument—but in what way?”
“This doesn’t seem to relate to the argument—but how so?”
“I don’t quite know, but in what you said about work and things; and then you’re so patient. Yes, you’re better than I am.”
“I’m not really sure, but about what you said regarding work and everything; and you’re so patient. Yes, you’re better than I am.”
Dick considered rapidly the murkiness of an average man’s life. There was nothing in the review to fill him with a sense of virtue. He lifted the hem of the cloak to his lips.
Dick quickly thought about the uncertainty of an ordinary person's life. There was nothing in the reflection to make him feel virtuous. He brought the edge of the cloak to his lips.
“Why,” said Maisie, making as though she had not noticed, “can you see things that I can’t? I don’t believe what you believe; but you’re right, I believe.”
“Why,” said Maisie, pretending she hadn’t noticed, “can you see things that I can’t? I don’t believe what you believe; but you’re right, I believe.”
“If I’ve seen anything, God knows I couldn’t have seen it but for you, and I know that I couldn’t have said it except to you. You seemed to make everything clear for a minute; but I don’t practice what I preach. You would help me.... There are only us two in the world for all purposes, and—and you like to have me with you?”
“If I’ve seen anything, God knows I couldn’t have seen it if it weren’t for you, and I know I couldn’t have said it to anyone but you. You made everything clear for a moment; but I don’t practice what I preach. You would help me... There are just the two of us in the world for all intents and purposes, and—and you want me with you?”
“Of course I do. I wonder if you can realise how utterly lonely I am!”
“Of course I do. I wonder if you can understand how completely lonely I am!”
“Darling, I think I can.”
"Hey babe, I think I can."
“Two years ago, when I first took the little house, I used to walk up and down the back-garden trying to cry. I never can cry. Can you?”
“Two years ago, when I first moved into the small house, I would walk back and forth in the garden trying to cry. I can never cry. Can you?”
“It’s some time since I tried. What was the trouble? Overwork?”
“It’s been a while since I tried. Was it too much work?”
“I don’t know; but I used to dream that I had broken down, and had no money, and was starving in London. I thought about it all day, and it frightened me—oh, how it frightened me!”
“I don’t know; but I used to dream that I had fallen apart, and had no money, and was starving in London. I thought about it all day, and it scared me—oh, how it scared me!”
“I know that fear. It’s the most terrible of all. It wakes me up in the night sometimes. You oughtn’t to know anything about it.”
“I know that fear. It’s the worst of all. It sometimes wakes me up at night. You shouldn’t know anything about it.”
“How do you know?”
“How do you know?”
“Never mind. Is your three hundred a year safe?”
"Don't worry about it. Is your three hundred a year secure?"
“It’s in Consols.”
“It’s in bonds.”
“Very well. If any one comes to you and recommends a better investment,—even if I should come to you,—don’t you listen. Never shift the money for a minute, and never lend a penny of it,—even to the red-haired girl.”
“Alright. If someone comes to you and suggests a better investment—even if it's me—don’t listen. Don’t move the money for a second, and don’t lend even a penny of it—even to the girl with red hair.”
“Don’t scold me so! I’m not likely to be foolish.”
“Don’t scold me like that! I’m not going to be foolish.”
“The earth is full of men who’d sell their souls for three hundred a year; and women come and talk, and borrow a five-pound note here and a ten-pound note there; and a woman has no conscience in a money debt. Stick to your money, Maisie, for there’s nothing more ghastly in the world than poverty in London. It’s scared me. By Jove, it put the fear into me! And one oughtn’t to be afraid of anything.”
“The world is filled with people who would sell their souls for three hundred a year; and women come and chat, borrowing a five-pound note here and a ten-pound note there; and a woman has no guilt about money she owes. Hold onto your money, Maisie, because there's nothing more terrifying in the world than being poor in London. It’s frightened me. By God, it scared the life out of me! And no one should be afraid of anything.”
To each man is appointed his particular dread,—the terror that, if he does not fight against it, must cow him even to the loss of his manhood. Dick’s experience of the sordid misery of want had entered into the deeps of him, and, lest he might find virtue too easy, that memory stood behind him, tempting to shame, when dealers came to buy his wares. As the Nilghai quaked against his will at the still green water of a lake or a mill-dam, as Torpenhow flinched before any white arm that could cut or stab and loathed himself for flinching, Dick feared the poverty he had once tasted half in jest. His burden was heavier than the burdens of his companions.
To each person comes their own specific fear—the kind that, if they don’t confront it, can bring them down to the point of losing their manhood. Dick's experience with the harsh misery of poverty had penetrated deep into him, and to ensure he didn’t find virtue too easy, that memory lingered behind him, tempting him with shame whenever buyers approached him. Just as the Nilghai trembled against its will at the still green water of a lake or a mill-dam, and Torpenhow recoiled at any white arm that could cut or stab and despised himself for flinching, Dick feared the poverty he had once experienced, even if somewhat jokingly. His burden was heavier than those of his friends.
Maisie watched the face working in the moonlight.
Maisie observed the face illuminated by the moonlight.
“You’ve plenty of pennies now,” she said soothingly.
“You’ve got plenty of pennies now,” she said soothingly.
“I shall never have enough,” he began, with vicious emphasis. Then, laughing, “I shall always be three-pence short in my accounts.”
“I’ll never have enough,” he started, emphasizing his words harshly. Then, laughing, “I’ll always be three pence short in my accounts.”
“Why threepence?”
"Why three pence?"
“I carried a man’s bag once from Liverpool Street Station to Blackfriar’s Bridge. It was a sixpenny job,—you needn’t laugh; indeed it was,—and I wanted the money desperately. He only gave me threepence; and he hadn’t even the decency to pay in silver. Whatever money I make, I shall never get that odd threepence out of the world.”
“I once carried a guy’s bag from Liverpool Street Station to Blackfriar’s Bridge. It was a sixpenny job—you don’t need to laugh; it really was—and I desperately needed the money. He only gave me threepence, and he didn’t even have the decency to pay in silver. No matter how much money I make, I’ll never get that strange threepence back.”
This was not language befitting the man who had preached of the sanctity of work. It jarred on Maisie, who preferred her payment in applause, which, since all men desire it, must be of her right. She hunted for her little purse and gravely took out a threepenny bit.
This was not the kind of language you'd expect from someone who had talked about the importance of hard work. It bothered Maisie, who preferred to be rewarded with applause, which, since everyone wants it, should be hers by right. She looked for her small purse and seriously took out a threepenny bit.
“There it is,” she said. “I’ll pay you, Dickie; and don’t worry any more; it isn’t worth while. Are you paid?”
“There it is,” she said. “I’ll pay you, Dickie; and don’t stress about it anymore; it’s not worth it. Have you been paid?”
“I am,” said the very human apostle of fair craft, taking the coin. “I’m paid a thousand times, and we’ll close that account. It shall live on my watch-chain; and you’re an angel, Maisie.”
“I am,” said the very human apostle of fair craft, taking the coin. “I’m paid a thousand times, and we’ll close that account. It will live on my watch-chain; and you’re an angel, Maisie.”
“I’m very cramped, and I’m feeling a little cold. Good gracious! the cloak is all white, and so is your moustache! I never knew it was so chilly.”
“I’m really cramped, and I’m feeling a bit cold. Wow! The cloak is all white, and so is your mustache! I had no idea it was this chilly.”
A light frost lay white on the shoulder of Dick’s ulster. He, too, had forgotten the state of the weather. They laughed together, and with that laugh ended all serious discourse.
A light frost covered the shoulder of Dick’s coat. He, too, had forgotten about the weather. They laughed together, and with that laugh, all serious conversation came to an end.
They ran inland across the waste to warm themselves, then turned to look at the glory of the full tide under the moonlight and the intense black shadows of the furze bushes. It was an additional joy to Dick that Maisie could see colour even as he saw it,—could see the blue in the white of the mist, the violet that is in gray palings, and all things else as they are,—not of one hue, but a thousand. And the moonlight came into Maisie’s soul, so that she, usually reserved, chattered of herself and of the things she took interest in,—of Kami, wisest of teachers, and of the girls in the studio,—of the Poles, who will kill themselves with overwork if they are not checked; of the French, who talk at great length of much more than they will ever accomplish; of the slovenly English, who toil hopelessly and cannot understand that inclination does not imply power; of the Americans, whose rasping voices in the hush of a hot afternoon strain tense-drawn nerves to breaking-point, and whose suppers lead to indigestion; of tempestuous Russians, neither to hold nor to bind, who tell the girls ghost-stories till the girls shriek; of stolid Germans, who come to learn one thing, and, having mastered that much, stolidly go away and copy pictures for evermore. Dick listened enraptured because it was Maisie who spoke. He knew the old life.
They ran inland across the barren land to warm up, then turned to admire the beauty of the full tide under the moonlight and the deep black shadows of the furze bushes. It filled Dick with extra joy that Maisie could see colors just as he did—she could see the blue in the white mist, the violet in gray fences, and everything else as it is—not just one color, but a thousand. The moonlight touched Maisie’s soul, making her, usually reserved, excitedly talk about herself and the things she found interesting—about Kami, the wisest teacher, and the girls in the studio—about the Poles, who work themselves to exhaustion if they’re not careful; about the French, who chatter endlessly about much more than they will ever achieve; about the messy English, who struggle aimlessly and can't grasp that desire doesn’t equal ability; about the Americans, whose harsh voices in the quiet of a hot afternoon fray tense nerves to breaking point, and whose dinners lead to indigestion; about the fiery Russians, who are impossible to handle, telling ghost stories that make the girls scream; about the solid Germans, who come to learn one thing and, having mastered it, stolidly leave to copy pictures forever. Dick listened, entranced, because it was Maisie speaking. He knew the old life.
“It hasn’t changed much,” he said. “Do they still steal colours at lunch-time?”
“It hasn’t changed much,” he said. “Do they still steal colors at lunchtime?”
“Not steal. Attract is the word. Of course they do. I’m good—I only attract ultramarine; but there are students who’d attract flake-white.”
“Don’t steal. Attract is the word. Of course they do. I’m good—I only attract ultramarine; but there are students who’d attract flake-white.”
“I’ve done it myself. You can’t help it when the palettes are hung up.
“I’ve done it myself. You can’t do anything about it when the palettes are stuck.”
Every colour is common property once it runs down,—even though you do start it with a drop of oil. It teaches people not to waste their tubes.”
Every color is public property once it spills out—even if you initially start with a drop of oil. It reminds people not to waste their paint tubes.
“I should like to attract some of your colours, Dick. Perhaps I might catch your success with them.”
“I’d like to borrow some of your colors, Dick. Maybe I could capture your success with them.”
“I mustn’t say a bad word, but I should like to. What in the world, which you’ve just missed a lovely chance of seeing, does success or want of success, or a three-storied success, matter compared with—— No, I won’t open that question again. It’s time to go back to town.”
“I shouldn’t say anything negative, but I really want to. What in the world, which you just missed a great opportunity to see, does success or failure, or even a huge success, matter compared to—— No, I won’t get into that topic again. It’s time to head back to town.”
“I’m sorry, Dick, but——”
"I'm sorry, Dick, but—"
“You’re much more interested in that than you are in me.”
“You care a lot more about that than you do about me.”
“I don’t know, I don’t think I am.”
“I don’t know, I don’t think I am.”
“What will you give me if I tell you a sure short-cut to everything you want,—the trouble and the fuss and the tangle and all the rest? Will you promise to obey me?”
“What will you give me if I tell you a guaranteed shortcut to everything you want—the hassle, the confusion, and all the rest? Will you promise to follow my lead?”
“Of course.”
“Sure.”
“In the first place, you must never forget a meal because you happen to be at work. You forgot your lunch twice last week,” said Dick, at a venture, for he knew with whom he was dealing.”
“In the first place, you must never skip a meal just because you’re at work. You forgot your lunch twice last week,” said Dick, taking a chance, since he knew who he was talking to.”
“No, no,—only once, really.”
“No, no—just once, really.”
“That’s bad enough. And you mustn’t take a cup of tea and a biscuit in place of a regular dinner, because dinner happens to be a trouble.”
“That’s bad enough. And you shouldn’t have a cup of tea and a biscuit instead of a proper dinner, because dinner can be a hassle.”
“You’re making fun of me!”
"You're teasing me!"
“I never was more in earnest in my life. Oh, my love, my love, hasn’t it dawned on you yet what you are to me? Here’s the whole earth in a conspiracy to give you a chill, or run over you, or drench you to the skin, or cheat you out of your money, or let you die of overwork and underfeeding, and I haven’t the mere right to look after you. Why, I don’t even know if you have sense enough to put on warm things when the weather’s cold.”
“I’ve never been more serious in my life. Oh, my love, my love, haven’t you realized what you mean to me? The whole world seems to be plotting against you, trying to give you a chill, run you over, soak you to the bone, rip you off, or let you work yourself to death without enough to eat, and I don’t even have the right to take care of you. Honestly, I don’t even know if you’re smart enough to wear warm clothes when it’s cold outside.”
“Dick, you’re the most awful boy to talk to—really! How do you suppose I managed when you were away?”
“Dick, you’re the most annoying boy to talk to—seriously! How do you think I got by when you were gone?”
“I wasn’t here, and I didn’t know. But now I’m back I’d give everything I have for the right of telling you to come in out of the rain.”
“I wasn’t here, and I didn’t know. But now I’m back. I’d give everything I have for the chance to tell you to come in out of the rain.”
“Your success too?”
"Is your success too?"
This time it cost Dick a severe struggle to refrain from bad words.
This time, Dick had to work hard to hold back his harsh words.
“As Mrs. Jennett used to say, you’re a trial, Maisie! You’ve been cooped up in the schools too long, and you think every one is looking at you.
“As Mrs. Jennett used to say, you’re a handful, Maisie! You’ve been stuck in school for too long, and you think everyone is watching you.
There aren’t twelve hundred people in the world who understand pictures. The others pretend and don’t care. Remember, I’ve seen twelve hundred men dead in toadstool-beds. It’s only the voice of the tiniest little fraction of people that makes success. The real world doesn’t care a tinker’s—doesn’t care a bit. For aught you or I know, every man in the world may be arguing with a Maisie of his own.”
There aren’t twelve hundred people in the world who understand images. The rest pretend and don’t care. Just remember, I’ve seen twelve hundred men dead in mushroom patches. It’s only the voices of a tiny fraction of people that create success. The real world doesn’t care at all—doesn’t care a bit. For all you or I know, every man in the world could be arguing with his own Maisie.
“Poor Maisie!”
"Poor Maisie!"
“Poor Dick, I think. Do you believe while he’s fighting for what’s dearer than his life he wants to look at a picture? And even if he did, and if all the world did, and a thousand million people rose up and shouted hymns to my honour and glory, would that make up to me for the knowledge that you were out shopping in the Edgware Road on a rainy day without an umbrella? Now we’ll go to the station.”
“Poor Dick, I think. Do you really think that while he’s fighting for what’s more precious than his life, he wants to look at a picture? And even if he did, and if the whole world did, and a billion people stood up and praised me, would that make up for knowing that you were out shopping on Edgware Road on a rainy day without an umbrella? Now let’s head to the station.”
“But you said on the beach——” persisted Maisie, with a certain fear.
“But you said on the beach——” Maisie insisted, a bit anxious.
Dick groaned aloud: “Yes, I know what I said. My work is everything I have, or am, or hope to be, to me, and I believe I’ve learnt the law that governs it; but I’ve some lingering sense of fun left,—though you’ve nearly knocked it out of me. I can just see that it isn’t everything to all the world. Do what I say, and not what I do.”
Dick groaned out loud: “Yeah, I know what I said. My work is everything I have, who I am, and what I hope to become, and I think I’ve figured out the rules that control it; but I still have a bit of fun left—though you’ve almost crushed it out of me. I can see that it isn’t everything for everyone. Do what I say, not what I do.”
Maisie was careful not to reopen debatable matters, and they returned to London joyously. The terminus stopped Dick in the midst of an eloquent harangue on the beauties of exercise. He would buy Maisie a horse,—such a horse as never yet bowed head to bit,—would stable it, with a companion, some twenty miles from London, and Maisie, solely for her health’s sake should ride with him twice or thrice a week.
Maisie was careful not to bring up any controversial topics, and they happily returned to London. The train station interrupted Dick as he passionately talked about the benefits of exercise. He would buy Maisie a horse—one that had never had to wear a bit—would keep it stabled, along with a friend, about twenty miles outside London, and Maisie, just for her health’s sake, would ride with him two or three times a week.
“That’s absurd,” said she. “It wouldn’t be proper.”
“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “It wouldn’t be right.”
“Now, who in all London to-night would have sufficient interest or audacity to call us two to account for anything we chose to do?”
“Now, who in all of London tonight would have enough interest or boldness to hold us accountable for anything we decided to do?”
Maisie looked at the lamps, the fog, and the hideous turmoil. Dick was right; but horseflesh did not make for Art as she understood it.
Maisie looked at the lamps, the fog, and the ugly chaos. Dick was right; but horse flesh didn't fit with Art as she saw it.
“You’re very nice sometimes, but you’re very foolish more times. I’m not going to let you give me horses, or take you out of your way to-night. I’ll go home by myself. Only I want you to promise me something. You won’t think any more about that extra threepence, will you? Remember, you’ve been paid; and I won’t allow you to be spiteful and do bad work for a little thing like that. You can be so big that you mustn’t be tiny.”
“You’re really nice sometimes, but you can be pretty foolish most of the time. I’m not going to let you give me rides or go out of your way for me tonight. I’ll head home on my own. But I need you to promise me something. You won’t worry about that extra threepence anymore, right? Remember, you’ve already been paid; and I won’t let you be petty and do bad work over something so small. You can be so much greater than that, so don’t act small.”
This was turning the tables with a vengeance. There remained only to put Maisie into her hansom.
This was a complete turnaround with a vengeance. All that was left was to get Maisie into her cab.
“Good-bye,” she said simply. “You’ll come on Sunday. It has been a beautiful day, Dick. Why can’t it be like this always?”
“Goodbye,” she said simply. “You’ll come on Sunday. It has been a beautiful day, Dick. Why can’t it be like this all the time?”
“Because love’s like line-work: you must go forward or backward; you can’t stand still. By the way, go on with your line-work. Good-night, and, for my—for my sake, take care of yourself.”
“Because love is like drawing lines: you have to move either forward or backward; you can’t just stay put. Anyway, keep working on your drawing. Goodnight, and please, for my—please take care of yourself.”
He turned to walk home, meditating. The day had brought him nothing that he hoped for, but—surely this was worth many days—it had brought him nearer to Maisie. The end was only a question of time now, and the prize well worth the waiting. By instinct, once more, he turned to the river.
He turned to walk home, deep in thought. The day hadn’t given him anything he wanted, but—this was definitely worth many days—it had brought him closer to Maisie. Now it was just a matter of time, and the reward would be worth the wait. Instinctively, he turned back toward the river.
“And she understood at once,” he said, looking at the water. “She found out my pet besetting sin on the spot, and paid it off. My God, how she understood! And she said I was better than she was! Better than she was!” He laughed at the absurdity of the notion. “I wonder if girls guess at one-half a man’s life. They can’t, or—they wouldn’t marry us.” He took her gift out of his pocket, and considered it in the light of a miracle and a pledge of the comprehension that, one day, would lead to perfect happiness. Meantime, Maisie was alone in London, with none to save her from danger. And the packed wilderness was very full of danger.
“And she got it right away,” he said, gazing at the water. “She figured out my biggest flaw instantly and dealt with it. My God, how she understood! And she said I was better than she was! Better than she was!” He laughed at the ridiculousness of the idea. “I wonder if girls even get half of a man’s life. They can’t, or—they wouldn’t marry us.” He took her gift out of his pocket and examined it like a miracle and a promise of the understanding that, one day, would lead to complete happiness. In the meantime, Maisie was alone in London, with no one to protect her from danger. And the crowded wilderness was full of hazards.
Dick made his prayer to Fate disjointedly after the manner of the heathen as he threw the piece of silver into the river. If any evil were to befal, let him bear the burden and let Maisie go unscathed, since the threepenny piece was dearest to him of all his possessions. It was a small coin in itself, but Maisie had given it, and the Thames held it, and surely the Fates would be bribed for this once.
Dick prayed awkwardly to Fate like a pagan as he tossed the silver coin into the river. If any misfortune were to come, let him take the hit and let Maisie come through unhurt, since that threepenny piece was the most precious of all his belongings. It was just a small coin, but Maisie had given it to him, and now the Thames had it, so surely the Fates would be swayed this one time.
The drowning of the coin seemed to cut him free from thought of Maisie for the moment. He took himself off the bridge and went whistling to his chambers with a strong yearning for some man-talk and tobacco after his first experience of an entire day spent in the society of a woman. There was a stronger desire at his heart when there rose before him an unsolicited vision of the Barralong dipping deep and sailing free for the Southern Cross.
The sinking of the coin seemed to free him from thoughts of Maisie for the time being. He stepped off the bridge and walked whistling to his place, feeling a strong need for some guy talk and a smoke after his first full day spent in a woman's company. A deeper longing stirred in him when he suddenly imagined the Barralong diving deep and sailing freely toward the Southern Cross.
CHAPTER VIII
And these two, as I have told you,
Were the friends of Hiawatha,
Chibiabos, the musician,
And the very strong man, Kwasind.
—Hiawatha.
And these two, as I mentioned,
Were Hiawatha's friends,
Chibiabos, the musician,
And the incredibly strong man, Kwasind.
—Hiawatha.
Torpenhow was paging the last sheets of some manuscript, while the Nilghai, who had come for chess and remained to talk tactics, was reading through the first part, commenting scornfully the while.
Torpenhow was flipping through the last pages of a manuscript, while the Nilghai, who had come over for a game of chess and stayed to discuss strategies, was reading the first part and making sarcastic comments along the way.
“It’s picturesque enough and it’s sketchy,” said he; “but as a serious consideration of affairs in Eastern Europe, it’s not worth much.”
“It looks pretty nice and it’s a bit questionable,” he said; “but when it comes to a serious discussion about issues in Eastern Europe, it doesn’t mean much.”
“It’s off my hands at any rate.... Thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine slips altogether, aren’t there? That should make between eleven and twelve pages of valuable misinformation. Heigho!” Torpenhow shuffled the writing together and hummed—
“It’s out of my hands anyway.... Thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine slips in total, right? That should be between eleven and twelve pages of valuable misinformation. Oh well!” Torpenhow organized the writing and hummed—
Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sell,
If I’d as much money as I could tell,
I never would cry, Young lambs to sell!
Young lambs for sale, young lambs for sale,
If I had as much money as I could count,
I’d never need to cry, young lambs for sale!
Dick entered, self-conscious and a little defiant, but in the best of tempers with all the world.
Dick walked in, feeling a bit self-conscious and a little rebellious, but in a good mood with everyone.
“Back at last?” said Torpenhow.
"Finally back?" asked Torpenhow.
“More or less. What have you been doing?”
“More or less. What have you been up to?”
“Work. Dickie, you behave as though the Bank of England were behind you. Here’s Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday gone and you haven’t done a line. It’s scandalous.”
“Work. Dickie, you act like you have the Bank of England backing you. Here’s Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday gone, and you haven’t written a single line. It’s outrageous.”
“The notions come and go, my children—they come and go like our “baccy,” he answered, filling his pipe. “Moreover,” he stooped to thrust a spill into the grate, “Apollo does not always stretch his—— Oh, confound your clumsy jests, Nilghai!”
“The ideas come and go, kids—they come and go just like our ‘tobacco,’” he replied, packing his pipe. “Besides,” he bent down to place a fire starter in the grate, “Apollo doesn’t always extend his—— Oh, stop your awkward jokes, Nilghai!”
“This is not the place to preach the theory of direct inspiration,” said the Nilghai, returning Torpenhow’s large and workmanlike bellows to their nail on the wall. “We believe in cobblers’ wax. La!—where you sit down.”
“This isn’t the place to discuss the theory of direct inspiration,” said the Nilghai, putting Torpenhow’s large, practical bellows back on their hook on the wall. “We believe in cobblers’ wax. La!—take a seat.”
“If you weren’t so big and fat,” said Dick, looking round for a weapon, “I’d——”
“If you weren’t so big and heavy,” said Dick, looking around for a weapon, “I’d——”
“No skylarking in my rooms. You two smashed half my furniture last time you threw the cushions about. You might have the decency to say How d’you do? to Binkie. Look at him.”
“No messin' around in my rooms. You two broke half my furniture last time you tossed the cushions around. You could at least have the decency to say, ‘How’s it going?’ to Binkie. Look at him.”
Binkie had jumped down from the sofa and was fawning round Dick’s knee, and scratching at his boots.
Binkie had jumped off the sofa and was eagerly circling Dick’s knee, scratching at his boots.
“Dear man!” said Dick, snatching him up, and kissing him on the black patch above his right eye. “Did ums was, Binks? Did that ugly Nilghai turn you off the sofa? Bite him, Mr. Binkie.” He pitched him on the Nilghai’s stomach, as the big man lay at ease, and Binkie pretended to destroy the Nilghai inch by inch, till a sofa cushion extinguished him, and panting he stuck out his tongue at the company.
“Hey there, man!” Dick exclaimed, picking him up and kissing him on the dark spot above his right eye. “What’s up, Binks? Did that ugly Nilghai push you off the sofa? Go for it, Mr. Binkie.” He tossed him onto the Nilghai’s stomach while the big guy relaxed, and Binkie pretended to take the Nilghai apart piece by piece until a sofa cushion smothered him, and panting, he stuck out his tongue at everyone.
“The Binkie-boy went for a walk this morning before you were up, Torp.
“The Binkie-boy went for a walk this morning before you were awake, Torp.
I saw him making love to the butcher at the corner when the shutters were being taken down—just as if he hadn’t enough to eat in his own proper house,” said Dick.
"I saw him hooking up with the butcher at the corner when the shutters were going up—like he didn’t have enough food in his own home," said Dick.
“Binks, is that a true bill?” said Torpenhow, severely. The little dog retreated under the sofa cushion, and showed by the fat white back of him that he really had no further interest in the discussion.
“Binks, is that a real bill?” Torpenhow asked sternly. The little dog moved back under the sofa cushion, and by showing his fat white back, it was clear he had no interest in the conversation anymore.
“Strikes me that another disreputable dog went for a walk, too,” said the Nilghai. “What made you get up so early? Torp said you might be buying a horse.”
“Seems like another shady dog took a stroll, too,” said the Nilghai. “What got you out of bed so early? Torp mentioned you might be purchasing a horse.”
“He knows it would need three of us for a serious business like that. No, I felt lonesome and unhappy, so I went out to look at the sea, and watch the pretty ships go by.”
“He knows it would take three of us for a serious job like that. No, I felt lonely and unhappy, so I went out to look at the sea and watch the pretty ships pass by.”
“Where did you go?”
"Where'd you go?"
“Somewhere on the Channel. Progly or Snigly, or some watering-place was its name; I’ve forgotten; but it was only two hours’ run from London and the ships went by.”
“Somewhere on the Channel. Progly or Snigly, or something like that was its name; I can’t remember; but it was only a two-hour ride from London and the ships went by.”
“Did you see anything you knew?”
“Did you see anything you recognized?”
“Only the Barralong outwards to Australia, and an Odessa grain-boat loaded down by the head. It was a thick day, but the sea smelt good.”
“Only the Barralong heading out to Australia, and a grain ship from Odessa heavily loaded. It was a foggy day, but the sea smelled nice.”
“Wherefore put on one’s best trousers to see the Barralong?” said Torpenhow, pointing.
“Why wear your best pants to see the Barralong?” said Torpenhow, pointing.
“Because I’ve nothing except these things and my painting duds. Besides, I wanted to do honour to the sea.”
“Because I have nothing except these things and my painting clothes. Plus, I wanted to pay respect to the sea.”
“Did She make you feel restless?” asked the Nilghai, keenly.
“Did she make you feel restless?” asked the Nilghai, interested.
“Crazy. Don’t speak of it. I’m sorry I went.”
“Crazy. Let’s not talk about it. I regret going.”
Torpenhow and the Nilghai exchanged a look as Dick, stooping, busied himself among the former’s boots and trees.
Torpenhow and the Nilghai shared a glance as Dick, bending down, occupied himself with the former’s boots and trees.
“These will do,” he said at last; “I can’t say I think much of your taste in slippers, but the fit’s the thing.” He slipped his feet into a pair of sock-like sambhur-skin foot coverings, found a long chair, and lay at length.
“These will do,” he said finally; “I can’t say I think much of your taste in slippers, but the fit is what matters.” He slid his feet into a pair of sock-like sambhur-skin foot coverings, found a long chair, and lay back.
“They’re my own pet pair,” Torpenhow said. “I was just going to put them on myself.”
“They're my own pet pair,” Torpenhow said. “I was just about to put them on myself.”
“All your reprehensible selfishness. Just because you see me happy for a minute, you want to worry me and stir me up. Find another pair.”
“All your blameworthy selfishness. Just because you see me happy for a moment, you want to stress me out and provoke me. Find someone else.”
“Good for you that Dick can’t wear your clothes, Torp. You two live communistically,” said the Nilghai.
“Good for you that Dick can’t wear your clothes, Torp. You two live like it’s a commune,” said the Nilghai.
“Dick never has anything that I can wear. He’s only useful to sponge upon.”
“Dick never has anything I can wear. He’s just useful to mooch off.”
“Confound you, have you been rummaging round among my clothes, then?” said Dick. “I put a sovereign in the tobacco-jar yesterday. How do you expect a man to keep his accounts properly if you——”
“Damn it, have you been digging through my clothes or what?” said Dick. “I put a pound in the tobacco jar yesterday. How do you expect a guy to keep his accounts straight if you——”
Here the Nilghai began to laugh, and Torpenhow joined him.
Here the Nilghai started to laugh, and Torpenhow laughed along with him.
“Hid a sovereign yesterday! You’re no sort of financier. You lent me a fiver about a month back. Do you remember?” Torpenhow said.
“Hid a five-pound note yesterday! You’re not much of a money person. You lent me five bucks about a month ago. Do you remember?” Torpenhow said.
“Yes, of course.”
"Sure, no problem."
“Do you remember that I paid it you ten days later, and you put it at the bottom of the tobacco?”
“Do you remember that I paid you back ten days later, and you put it at the bottom of the tobacco?”
“By Jove, did I? I thought it was in one of my colour-boxes.”
“Did I really? I thought it was in one of my color boxes.”
“You thought! About a week ago I went into your studio to get some “baccy and found it.”
“You thought! About a week ago, I went into your studio to grab some tobacco and found it.”
“What did you do with it?”
“What did you do with it?”
“Took the Nilghai to a theatre and fed him.”
“Took the Nilghai to a theater and fed him.”
“You couldn’t feed the Nilghai under twice the money—not though you gave him Army beef. Well, I suppose I should have found it out sooner or later. What is there to laugh at?”
“You couldn’t feed the Nilghai for less than double the money—not even if you gave him Army beef. Well, I guess I should have figured that out sooner or later. What’s so funny?”
“You’re a most amazing cuckoo in many directions,” said the Nilghai, still chuckling over the thought of the dinner. “Never mind. We had both been working very hard, and it was your unearned increment we spent, and as you’re only a loafer it didn’t matter.”
“You're such an incredible oddball in so many ways,” said the Nilghai, still laughing about the dinner. “It’s fine. We had both been working really hard, and we used your unearned bonus, so since you're just a slacker, it didn’t make a difference.”
“That’s pleasant—from the man who is bursting with my meat, too. I’ll get that dinner back one of these days. Suppose we go to a theatre now.”
“That sounds nice—coming from the guy who's eager for my company, too. I’ll get that dinner back someday. How about we head to a theater now?”
“Put our boots on,—and dress,—and wash?” The Nilghai spoke very lazily.
“Put on our boots—and get dressed—and wash?” The Nilghai spoke very lazily.
“I withdraw the motion.”
"I'm withdrawing the motion."
“Suppose, just for a change—as a startling variety, you know—we, that is to say we, get our charcoal and our canvas and go on with our work.”
“Let’s do something different—just to mix it up a bit, you know—we’ll grab our charcoal and canvas and keep creating.”
Torpenhow spoke pointedly, but Dick only wriggled his toes inside the soft leather moccasins.
Torpenhow spoke directly, but Dick just wiggled his toes inside the soft leather moccasins.
“What a one-ideaed clucker that is! If I had any unfinished figures on hand, I haven’t any model; if I had my model, I haven’t any spray, and I never leave charcoal unfixed overnight; and if I had my spray and twenty photographs of backgrounds, I couldn’t do anything to-night. I don’t feel that way.”
“What a single-minded bird that is! If I had any unfinished sketches lying around, I wouldn’t have a model; if I had my model, I wouldn’t have any spray, and I never leave charcoal unsealed overnight; and if I had my spray and twenty photos of backgrounds, I still couldn’t do anything tonight. I don’t feel that way.”
“Binkie-dog, he’s a lazy hog, isn’t he?” said the Nilghai.
“Binkie-dog, he’s such a lazy pig, isn’t he?” said the Nilghai.
“Very good, I will do some work,” said Dick, rising swiftly. “I’ll fetch the Nungapunga Book, and we’ll add another picture to the Nilghai Saga.”
“Sure thing, I will get some work done,” said Dick, getting up quickly. “I’ll grab the Nungapunga Book, and we’ll add another picture to the Nilghai Saga.”
“Aren’t you worrying him a little too much?” asked the Nilghai, when Dick had left the room.
“Aren’t you stressing him out a bit too much?” asked the Nilghai when Dick had left the room.
“Perhaps, but I know what he can turn out if he likes. It makes me savage to hear him praised for past work when I know what he ought to do. You and I are arranged for——”
“Maybe, but I know what he’s capable of if he puts his mind to it. It frustrates me to hear him praised for his past work when I know what he should be doing. You and I are set for——”
“By Kismet and our own powers, more’s the pity. I have dreamed of a good deal.”
“By fate and our own abilities, it’s unfortunate. I have dreamed quite a lot.”
“So have I, but we know our limitations now. I’m dashed if I know what Dick’s may be when he gives himself to his work. That’s what makes me so keen about him.”
“So have I, but we know our limits now. I’m uncertain about what Dick’s might be when he fully commits to his work. That’s what makes me so excited about him.”
“And when all’s said and done, you will be put aside—quite rightly—for a female girl.”
“And when everything's settled, you'll be set aside—justifiably—for a girl.”
“I wonder... Where do you think he has been to-day?”
“I wonder... Where do you think he has been today?”
“To the sea. Didn’t you see the look in his eyes when he talked about her? He’s as restless as a swallow in autumn.”
“To the sea. Didn’t you notice the look in his eyes when he talked about her? He’s as restless as a swallow in the fall.”
“Yes; but did he go alone?”
“Yes; but did he go by himself?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care, but he has the beginnings of the go-fever upon him. He wants to up-stakes and move out. There’s no mistaking the signs. Whatever he may have said before, he has the call upon him now.”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care, but he’s got the beginnings of wanderlust. He wants to pack up and leave. There’s no missing the signs. Whatever he may have said before, he’s feeling the urge to go now.”
“It might be his salvation,” Torpenhow said.
“It might be his salvation,” Torpenhow said.
“Perhaps—if you care to take the responsibility of being a saviour.”
“Maybe—if you’re willing to take on the responsibility of being a hero.”
Dick returned with the big clasped sketch-book that the Nilghai knew well and did not love too much. In it Dick had drawn all manner of moving incidents, experienced by himself or related to him by the others, of all the four corners of the earth. But the wider range of the Nilghai’s body and life attracted him most. When truth failed he fell back on fiction of the wildest, and represented incidents in the Nilghai’s career that were unseemly,—his marriages with many African princesses, his shameless betrayal, for Arab wives, of an army corps to the Mahdi, his tattooment by skilled operators in Burmah, his interview (and his fears) with the yellow headsman in the blood-stained execution-ground of Canton, and finally, the passings of his spirit into the bodies of whales, elephants, and toucans. Torpenhow from time to time had added rhymed descriptions, and the whole was a curious piece of art, because Dick decided, having regard to the name of the book which being interpreted means “naked,” that it would be wrong to draw the Nilghai with any clothes on, under any circumstances. Consequently the last sketch, representing that much-enduring man calling on the War Office to press his claims to the Egyptian medal, was hardly delicate. He settled himself comfortably on Torpenhow’s table and turned over the pages.
Dick came back with the large sketchbook that the Nilghai recognized but didn't particularly care for. Inside, Dick had drawn all kinds of lively scenes from his own experiences or stories shared by others from around the globe. However, he was most intrigued by the broader range of the Nilghai’s existence. When reality didn't suffice, he resorted to the wildest fiction, illustrating events from the Nilghai’s life that were rather scandalous—his marriages to numerous African princesses, his shameless betrayal of an army corps to the Mahdi for Arab wives, his tattooing by skilled artists in Burma, his encounter (and fears) with the yellow executioner in the blood-soaked execution ground of Canton, and ultimately, the passing of his spirit into the bodies of whales, elephants, and toucans. From time to time, Torpenhow added rhymed descriptions, making it a unique piece of art. Dick decided that, considering the name of the book—which translates to “naked”—it would be inappropriate to depict the Nilghai in any clothing. As a result, the final sketch, showing that resilient man visiting the War Office to advocate for his claim to the Egyptian medal, was anything but tasteful. He settled into Torpenhow’s table and began flipping through the pages.
“What a fortune you would have been to Blake, Nilghai!” he said. “There’s a succulent pinkness about some of these sketches that’s more than life-like. “The Nilghai surrounded while bathing by the Mahdieh”—that was founded on fact, eh?”
“What a fortune you would have been to Blake, Nilghai!” he said. “There’s a rich pinkness about some of these sketches that’s more than lifelike. ‘The Nilghai surrounded while bathing by the Mahdieh’—that was based on fact, right?”
“It was very nearly my last bath, you irreverent dauber. Has Binkie come into the Saga yet?”
“It was almost my last bath, you cheeky artist. Has Binkie shown up in the Saga yet?”
“No; the Binkie-boy hasn’t done anything except eat and kill cats. Let’s see. Here you are as a stained-glass saint in a church. Deuced decorative lines about your anatomy; you ought to be grateful for being handed down to posterity in this way. Fifty years hence you’ll exist in rare and curious facsimiles at ten guineas each. What shall I try this time? The domestic life of the Nilghai?”
“No; the Binkie-boy hasn’t done anything except eat and kill cats. Let’s see. Here you are as a stained-glass saint in a church. Quite a decorative portrayal of your figure; you should be thankful for being preserved in this way for future generations. Fifty years from now, you’ll be seen in rare and intriguing replicas priced at ten guineas each. What should I attempt this time? The everyday life of the Nilghai?”
“Hasn’t got any.”
"Doesn't have any."
“The undomestic life of the Nilghai, then. Of course. Mass-meeting of his wives in Trafalgar Square. That’s it. They came from the ends of the earth to attend Nilghai’s wedding to an English bride. This shall be an epic. It’s a sweet material to work with.”
“The untamed life of the Nilghai, then. Sure. A big gathering of his wives in Trafalgar Square. That’s it. They traveled from all over the world to be at Nilghai’s wedding to an English bride. This is going to be an epic tale. It’s great material to work with.”
“It’s a scandalous waste of time,” said Torpenhow.
“It’s a ridiculous waste of time,” said Torpenhow.
“Don’t worry; it keeps one’s hand in—specially when you begin without the pencil.” He set to work rapidly. “That’s Nelson’s Column. Presently the Nilghai will appear shinning up it.”
“Don’t worry; it keeps your skills sharp—especially when you start without a pencil.” He got to work quickly. “That’s Nelson’s Column. Soon the Nilghai will be climbing up it.”
“Give him some clothes this time.”
“Give him some clothes this time.”
“Certainly—a veil and an orange-wreath, because he’s been married.”
“Absolutely—a veil and an orange wreath, since he’s been married.”
“Gad, that’s clever enough!” said Torpenhow over his shoulder, as Dick brought out of the paper with three twirls of the brush a very fat back and labouring shoulder pressed against stone.
“Wow, that’s really clever!” said Torpenhow, glancing back, as Dick revealed a very plump back and a straining shoulder pressed against the stone with three swirls of the brush.
“Just imagine,” Dick continued, “if we could publish a few of these dear little things every time the Nilghai subsidises a man who can write, to give the public an honest opinion of my pictures.”
“Just imagine,” Dick continued, “if we could publish a few of these adorable little things every time the Nilghai supports a guy who can write, to give the public an honest opinion of my paintings.”
“Well, you’ll admit I always tell you when I have done anything of that kind. I know I can’t hammer you as you ought to be hammered, so I give the job to another. Young Maclagan, for instance——”
“Well, you’ll agree that I always let you know when I’ve done something like that. I know I can’t criticize you the way you really need, so I leave that to someone else. Like young Maclagan, for example——”
“No-o—one half-minute, old man; stick your hand out against the dark of the wall-paper—you only burble and call me names. That left shoulder’s out of drawing. I must literally throw a veil over that. Where’s my pen-knife? Well, what about Maclagan?”
“No—wait a minute, old man; put your hand against the dark wallpaper—you just mumble and insult me. That left shoulder is off. I really need to cover that up. Where’s my penknife? Anyway, what’s up with Maclagan?”
“I only gave him his riding-orders to—to lambast you on general principles for not producing work that will last.”
“I just instructed him to— to criticize you in general for not creating work that has lasting value.”
“Whereupon that young fool,”—Dick threw back his head and shut one eye as he shifted the page under his hand,—“being left alone with an ink-pot and what he conceived were his own notions, went and spilt them both over me in the papers. You might have engaged a grown man for the business, Nilghai. How do you think the bridal veil looks now, Torp?”
“Then that young idiot,”—Dick tossed his head back and closed one eye as he turned the page—“being left alone with an ink-pot and what he thought were his own ideas, ended up spilling both all over me in the papers. You could have hired an adult for this job, Nilghai. How do you think the wedding veil looks now, Torp?”
“How the deuce do three dabs and two scratches make the stuff stand away from the body as it does?” said Torpenhow, to whom Dick’s methods were always new.
“How on earth do three dabs and two scratches make the stuff stick away from the body like that?” said Torpenhow, who always found Dick’s methods surprising.
“It just depends on where you put ’em. If Maclagan had known that much about his business he might have done better.”
“It just depends on where you put them. If Maclagan had known that much about his business, he might have done better.”
“Why don’t you put the damned dabs into something that will stay, then?” insisted the Nilghai, who had really taken considerable trouble in hiring for Dick’s benefit the pen of a young gentleman who devoted most of his waking hours to an anxious consideration of the aims and ends of Art, which, he wrote, was one and indivisible.
“Why don’t you put those damn dabs into something that will last, then?” insisted the Nilghai, who had really gone through a lot of effort to hire a young guy for Dick’s benefit, someone who spent most of his waking hours anxiously thinking about the goals and purposes of Art, which he wrote was one and indivisible.
“Wait a minute till I see how I am going to manage my procession of wives. You seem to have married extensively, and I must rough ’em in with the pencil—Medes, Parthians, Edomites.... Now, setting aside the weakness and the wickedness and—and the fat-headedness of deliberately trying to do work that will live, as they call it, I’m content with the knowledge that I’ve done my best up to date, and I shan’t do anything like it again for some hours at least—probably years. Most probably never.”
“Hold on a minute while I figure out how I’m going to handle my lineup of wives. You seem to have married a lot, and I need to sketch them out—Medes, Parthians, Edomites... Now, putting aside the flaws, the wrongdoings, and the stubbornness of trying to create something that will last, as people say, I’m okay with knowing I’ve done my best so far, and I won’t be doing anything like this again for at least a few hours—probably years. Most likely never.”
“What! any stuff you have in stock your best work?” said Torpenhow.
“What! Is everything you have in stock your best work?” said Torpenhow.
“Anything you’ve sold?” said the Nilghai.
“Have you sold anything?” asked the Nilghai.
“Oh no. It isn’t here and it isn’t sold. Better than that, it can’t be sold, and I don’t think any one knows where it is. I’m sure I don’t.... And yet more and more wives, on the north side of the square. Observe the virtuous horror of the lions!”
“Oh no. It’s not here and it’s not for sale. Even better, it can’t be sold, and I don’t think anyone knows where it is. I’m sure I don’t... And yet, more and more wives gather on the north side of the square. Look at the virtuous shock of the lions!”
“You may as well explain,” said Torpenhow, and Dick lifted his head from the paper.
“You might as well explain,” said Torpenhow, and Dick lifted his head from the paper.
“The sea reminded me of it,” he said slowly. “I wish it hadn’t. It weighs some few thousand tons—unless you cut it out with a cold chisel.”
“The sea reminded me of it,” he said slowly. “I wish it hadn’t. It weighs a few thousand tons—unless you chisel it out with a cold tool.”
“Don’t be an idiot. You can’t pose with us here,” said the Nilghai.
“Don’t be an idiot. You can’t hang out with us here,” said the Nilghai.
“There’s no pose in the matter at all. It’s a fact. I was loafing from Lima to Auckland in a big, old, condemned passenger-ship turned into a cargo-boat and owned by a second-hand Italian firm. She was a crazy basket. We were cut down to fifteen ton of coal a day, and we thought ourselves lucky when we kicked seven knots an hour out of her. Then we used to stop and let the bearings cool down, and wonder whether the crack in the shaft was spreading.”
“There’s no pretense in this at all. It’s a fact. I was drifting from Lima to Auckland on a big, old, rundown passenger ship that had been converted into a cargo boat and was owned by a second-hand Italian company. She was a crazy mess. We were limited to fifteen tons of coal a day, and we considered ourselves lucky when we managed to get seven knots an hour out of her. Then we would stop to let the bearings cool down and wonder if the crack in the shaft was getting worse.”
“Were you a steward or a stoker in those days?”
“Were you a steward or a stoker back then?”
“I was flush for the time being, so I was a passenger, or else I should have been a steward, I think,” said Dick, with perfect gravity, returning to the procession of angry wives. “I was the only other passenger from Lima, and the ship was half empty, and full of rats and cockroaches and scorpions.”
“I had some money for now, so I was just a passenger, or I would have been a steward, I think,” said Dick seriously, going back to the parade of angry wives. “I was the only other passenger from Lima, and the ship was half empty, filled with rats, cockroaches, and scorpions.”
“But what has this to do with the picture?”
“But what does this have to do with the picture?”
“Wait a minute. She had been in the China passenger trade and her lower decks had bunks for two thousand pigtails. Those were all taken down, and she was empty up to her nose, and the lights came through the port holes—most annoying lights to work in till you got used to them. I hadn’t anything to do for weeks. The ship’s charts were in pieces and our skipper daren’t run south for fear of catching a storm. So he did his best to knock all the Society Islands out of the water one by one, and I went into the lower deck, and did my picture on the port side as far forward in her as I could go. There was some brown paint and some green paint that they used for the boats, and some black paint for ironwork, and that was all I had.”
“Hold on a second. She used to be in the China passenger trade and had sleeping quarters for two thousand people. Those were all taken down, and she was empty up to her nose, with lights shining through the portholes—really annoying lights to work with until you got used to them. I didn’t have anything to do for weeks. The ship’s charts were in pieces, and our captain didn’t want to head south for fear of hitting a storm. So he did his best to take out all the Society Islands one by one, and I went down to the lower deck to work on my painting on the port side as far forward as I could go. There was some brown paint and some green paint they used for the boats, and some black paint for ironwork, and that was all I had.”
“The passengers must have thought you mad.”
“The passengers must have thought you were crazy.”
“There was only one, and it was a woman; but it gave me the notion of my picture.”
“There was only one, and it was a woman; but it gave me the idea for my picture.”
“What was she like?” said Torpenhow.
“What was she like?” Torpenhow asked.
“She was a sort of Negroid-Jewess-Cuban; with morals to match. She couldn’t read or write, and she didn’t want to, but she used to come down and watch me paint, and the skipper didn’t like it, because he was paying her passage and had to be on the bridge occasionally.”
“She was a mixed-race woman of African, Jewish, and Cuban descent; her values reflected that. She couldn’t read or write, and she wasn’t interested in learning, but she would come down and watch me paint, which the captain didn’t approve of because he was paying for her passage and had to be on the bridge sometimes.”
“I see. That must have been cheerful.”
“I get it. That must have been really nice.”
“It was the best time I ever had. To begin with, we didn’t know whether we should go up or go down any minute when there was a sea on; and when it was calm it was paradise; and the woman used to mix the paints and talk broken English, and the skipper used to steal down every few minutes to the lower deck, because he said he was afraid of fire. So, you see, we could never tell when we might be caught, and I had a splendid notion to work out in only three keys of colour.”
“It was the best time I ever had. To start with, we didn’t know if we should go up or down at any moment when there was a storm; and when it was calm it felt like paradise; and the woman would mix the paints and speak broken English, and the captain would sneak down to the lower deck every few minutes because he said he was afraid of fire. So, you see, we could never tell when we might get caught, and I had a great idea to create using only three colors.”
“What was the notion?”
"What was the idea?"
“Two lines in Poe—
"Two lines in Poe—"
Neither the angels in Heaven above nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
Neither the angels in Heaven above nor the demons beneath the sea,
Can ever separate my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
It came out of the sea—all by itself. I drew that fight, fought out in green water over the naked, choking soul, and the woman served as the model for the devils and the angels both—sea-devils and sea-angels, and the soul half drowned between them. It doesn’t sound much, but when there was a good light on the lower deck it looked very fine and creepy. It was seven by fourteen feet, all done in shifting light for shifting light.”
It emerged from the sea—all on its own. I captured that struggle, played out in green water over the exposed, gasping soul, and the woman was the inspiration for both the devils and the angels—sea devils and sea angels, with the soul half submerged between them. It may not sound like much, but when the light was right on the lower deck, it looked really impressive and eerie. It was seven by fourteen feet, all created with shifting light for shifting light.
“Did the woman inspire you much?” said Torpenhow.
“Did the woman inspire you a lot?” Torpenhow asked.
“She and the sea between them—immensely. There was a heap of bad drawing in that picture. I remember I went out of my way to foreshorten for sheer delight of doing it, and I foreshortened damnably, but for all that it’s the best thing I’ve ever done; and now I suppose the ship’s broken up or gone down. Whew! What a time that was!”
“She and the sea between them—so vast. There was a lot of bad drawing in that picture. I remember I made an effort to foreshorten it just for the fun of it, and I really messed it up, but despite that, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done; and now I guess the ship’s been wrecked or sunk. Wow! What a time that was!”
“What happened after all?”
"What happened in the end?"
“It all ended. They were loading her with wool when I left the ship, but even the stevedores kept the picture clear to the last. The eyes of the demons scared them, I honestly believe.”
“It all ended. They were loading her with wool when I left the ship, but even the dockworkers kept the scene vivid to the end. I truly believe the demons' eyes frightened them.”
“And the woman?”
"And what about the woman?"
“She was scared too when it was finished. She used to cross herself before she went down to look at it. Just three colours and no chance of getting any more, and the sea outside and unlimited love-making inside, and the fear of death atop of everything else, O Lord!” He had ceased to look at the sketch, but was staring straight in front of him across the room.
“She was scared too when it was done. She used to cross herself before going down to see it. Just three colors and no chance of getting any more, and the sea outside and endless love-making inside, and the fear of death on top of everything else, O Lord!” He had stopped looking at the sketch but was staring straight ahead across the room.
“Why don’t you try something of the same kind now?” said the Nilghai.
“Why don’t you try something similar now?” said the Nilghai.
“Because those things come not by fasting and prayer. When I find a cargo-boat and a Jewess-Cuban and another notion and the same old life, I may.”
“Because those things don't come from fasting and prayer. When I find a cargo boat, a Jewish-Cuban woman, and another idea along with the same old life, I might.”
“You won’t find them here,” said the Nilghai.
“You won’t find them here,” said the Nilghai.
“No, I shall not.” Dick shut the sketch-book with a bang. “This room’s as hot as an oven. Open the window, some one.”
“No, I won’t.” Dick slammed the sketchbook shut. “This room is as hot as an oven. Someone open the window.”
He leaned into the darkness, watching the greater darkness of London below him. The chambers stood much higher than the other houses, commanding a hundred chimneys—crooked cowls that looked like sitting cats as they swung round, and other uncouth brick and zinc mysteries supported by iron stanchions and clamped by 8-pieces. Northward the lights of Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square threw a copper-coloured glare above the black roofs, and southward by all the orderly lights of the Thames. A train rolled out across one of the railway bridges, and its thunder drowned for a minute the dull roar of the streets. The Nilghai looked at his watch and said shortly, “That’s the Paris night-mail. You can book from here to St. Petersburg if you choose.”
He leaned into the darkness, watching the deeper darkness of London below him. The chambers stood much higher than the other houses, proudly displaying a hundred chimneys—twisted caps that resembled sitting cats as they swayed, along with other strange brick and zinc structures supported by iron posts and held together by 8-pieces. To the north, the lights of Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square cast a copper-colored glow above the black roofs, while to the south, the orderly lights of the Thames shone. A train rolled across one of the railway bridges, its rumble drowning out the dull roar of the streets for a moment. The Nilghai checked his watch and said shortly, “That’s the Paris night-mail. You can book from here to St. Petersburg if you want.”
Dick crammed head and shoulders out of the window and looked across the river. Torpenhow came to his side, while the Nilghai passed over quietly to the piano and opened it. Binkie, making himself as large as possible, spread out upon the sofa with the air of one who is not to be lightly disturbed.
Dick pushed his head and shoulders out of the window and gazed across the river. Torpenhow joined him, while the Nilghai quietly walked over to the piano and opened it. Binkie, trying to make himself as big as he could, sprawled out on the sofa with an attitude that suggested he shouldn't be easily bothered.
“Well,” said the Nilghai to the two pairs of shoulders, “have you never seen this place before?”
“Well,” said the Nilghai to the two pairs of shoulders, “have you never seen this place before?”
A steam-tug on the river hooted as she towed her barges to wharf. Then the boom of the traffic came into the room. Torpenhow nudged Dick.
A tugboat on the river honked as it pulled its barges to the dock. Then the sound of traffic filled the room. Torpenhow nudged Dick.
“Good place to bank in—bad place to bunk in, Dickie, isn’t it?”
“Great place to bank, but a terrible place to stay, isn’t it, Dickie?”
Dick’s chin was in his hand as he answered, in the words of a general not without fame, still looking out on the darkness—“‘My God, what a city to loot!’”
Dick rested his chin on his hand as he replied, quoting a well-known general, still gazing into the darkness—“‘My God, what a city to loot!’”
Binkie found the night air tickling his whiskers and sneezed plaintively.
Binkie felt the cool night air tickling his whiskers and let out a soft sneeze.
“We shall give the Binkie-dog a cold,” said Torpenhow. “Come in,” and they withdrew their heads. “You’ll be buried in Kensal Green, Dick, one of these days, if it isn’t closed by the time you want to go there—buried within two feet of some one else, his wife and his family.”
“We’ll give the Binkie-dog a cold,” said Torpenhow. “Come in,” and they pulled their heads back in. “You’ll be buried in Kensal Green, Dick, one of these days, if it isn’t closed by the time you want to go there—buried two feet away from someone else, his wife, and his family.”
“Allah forbid! I shall get away before that time comes. Give a man room to stretch his legs, Mr. Binkie.” Dick flung himself down on the sofa and tweaked Binkie’s velvet ears, yawning heavily the while.
“God forbid! I’ll leave before that ever happens. Give a guy some space to stretch his legs, Mr. Binkie.” Dick threw himself down on the sofa and playfully tugged at Binkie’s velvet ears, yawning deeply as he did.
“You’ll find that wardrobe-case very much out of tune,” Torpenhow said to the Nilghai. “It’s never touched except by you.”
“You’ll find that wardrobe-case really off,” Torpenhow said to the Nilghai. “It’s only ever handled by you.”
“A piece of gross extravagance,” Dick grunted. “The Nilghai only comes when I’m out.”
“A total waste of money,” Dick grunted. “The Nilghai only shows up when I’m not around.”
“That’s because you’re always out. Howl, Nilghai, and let him hear.”
“That’s because you’re always out. Howl, Nilghai, and let him hear.”
“The life of the Nilghai is fraud and slaughter,
His writings are watered Dickens and water;
But the voice of the Nilghai raised on high
Makes even the Mahdieh glad to die!”
“The life of the Nilghai is a sham and a massacre,
His writings are diluted Dickens and bland;
But the voice of the Nilghai raised high
Makes even the Mahdieh happy to die!”
Dick quoted from Torpenhow’s letterpress in the Nungapunga Book.
Dick quoted from Torpenhow’s letter in the Nungapunga Book.
“How do they call moose in Canada, Nilghai?”
“How do they call moose in Canada, Nilghai?”
The man laughed. Singing was his one polite accomplishment, as many Press-tents in far-off lands had known.
The man laughed. Singing was his only polite skill, as many press tents in distant places had known.
“What shall I sing?” said he, turning in the chair.
“What should I sing?” he said, turning in the chair.
““Moll Roe in the Morning,”’ said Torpenhow, at a venture.
“Moll Roe in the Morning,” said Torpenhow, taking a guess.
“No,” said Dick, sharply, and the Nilghai opened his eyes. The old chanty whereof he, among a very few, possessed all the words was not a pretty one, but Dick had heard it many times before without wincing. Without prelude he launched into that stately tune that calls together and troubles the hearts of the gipsies of the sea—
“No,” said Dick sharply, and the Nilghai opened his eyes. The old chant he, among very few, knew all the words to wasn't a nice one, but Dick had heard it many times before without flinching. Without any introduction, he jumped into that grand tune that brings together and disturbs the hearts of the sea gypsies—
“Farewell and adieu to you, Spanish ladies,
Farewell and adieu to you, ladies of Spain.”
“Goodbye and farewell to you, Spanish ladies,
Goodbye and farewell to you, ladies of Spain.”
Dick turned uneasily on the sofa, for he could hear the bows of the Barralong crashing into the green seas on her way to the Southern Cross.
Dick shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, as he could hear the bows of the Barralong smashing against the green waves on its way to the Southern Cross.
Then came the chorus—
Then came the chorus—
“We’ll rant and we’ll roar like true British sailors,
We’ll rant and we’ll roar across the salt seas,
Until we take soundings in the Channel of Old England
From Ushant to Scilly ’tis forty-five leagues.”
“We'll shout and we'll sing like real British sailors,
We'll shout and we'll sing across the salty seas,
Until we measure the depth in the Channel of Old England
From Ushant to Scilly, it's forty-five leagues.”
“Thirty-five-thirty-five,” said Dick, petulantly. “Don’t tamper with Holy Writ. Go on, Nilghai.”
“Thirty-five-thirty-five,” said Dick, pouting. “Don’t mess with sacred texts. Go on, Nilghai.”
“The first land we made it was called the Deadman,”
“The first land we reached was called the Deadman,”
and they sang to the end very vigourously.
and they sang vigorously until the end.
“That would be a better song if her head were turned the other way—to the Ushant light, for instance,” said the Nilghai.
“That would be a better song if her head were turned the other way—to the Ushant light, for example,” said the Nilghai.
“Flinging his arms about like a mad windmill,” said Torpenhow. “Give us something else, Nilghai. You’re in fine fog-horn form tonight.”
“Flailing his arms around like a crazy windmill,” said Torpenhow. “Give us something else, Nilghai. You’re really on a roll tonight.”
“Give us the “Ganges Pilot”; you sang that in the square the night before El-Maghrib. By the way, I wonder how many of the chorus are alive to-night,” said Dick.
“Give us the 'Ganges Pilot'; you sang that in the square the night before El-Maghrib. By the way, I’m curious how many of the chorus are alive tonight,” said Dick.
Torpenhow considered for a minute. “By Jove! I believe only you and I.
Torpenhow thought for a moment. “Wow! I think it’s just you and me.
Raynor, Vicery, and Deenes—all dead; Vincent caught smallpox in Cairo, carried it here and died of it. Yes, only you and I and the Nilghai.”
Raynor, Vicery, and Deenes—all gone; Vincent caught smallpox in Cairo, brought it back here, and died from it. Yes, it's just you, me, and the Nilghai.
“Umph! And yet the men here who’ve done their work in a well-warmed studio all their lives, with a policeman at each corner, say that I charge too much for my pictures.”
“Ugh! And yet the guys here who’ve spent their whole lives working in a nice, warm studio, with a cop at every corner, say that I charge too much for my pictures.”
“They are buying your work, not your insurance policies, dear child,” said the Nilghai.
“They're paying for your work, not your insurance policies, dear child,” said the Nilghai.
“I gambled with one to get at the other. Don’t preach. Go on with the “Pilot.” Where in the world did you get that song?”
“I took a chance with one to get to the other. No preaching. Keep going with the ‘Pilot.’ Where did you find that song?”
“On a tombstone,” said the Nilghai. “On a tombstone in a distant land. I made it an accompaniment with heaps of base chords.”
“On a tombstone,” said the Nilghai. “On a tombstone in a faraway place. I turned it into an accompaniment with lots of basic chords.”
“Oh, Vanity! Begin.” And the Nilghai began—
“Oh, Vanity! Start.” And the Nilghai started—
“I have slipped my cable, messmates, I’m drifting down with the
tide,
I have my sailing orders, while yet an anchor ride.
And never on fair June morning have I put out to sea
With clearer conscience or better hope, or a heart more light and free.
“Shoulder to shoulder, Joe, my boy, into the crowd like a wedge
Strike with the hangers, messmates, but do not cut with the edge.
Cries Charnock, “Scatter the faggots, double that Brahmin in two,
The tall pale widow for me, Joe, the little brown girl for you!”
“Young Joe (you’re nearing sixty), why is your hide so dark?
Katie has soft fair blue eyes, who blackened yours?—Why, hark!”
“I've broken free, mates, I'm floating down with the current,
I have my sailing orders, while I'm still anchored here.
And never on a beautiful June morning have I set sail
With a clearer conscience or better hope, or a heart more light and free.
“Shoulder to shoulder, Joe, my friend, we’ll push into the crowd like a wedge
Strike with the hangers, mates, but don’t cut with the edge.
Charnock shouts, “Scatter the sticks, cut that Brahmin in two,
The tall pale widow for me, Joe, the little brown girl for you!”
“Young Joe (you’re almost sixty), why is your skin so dark?
Katie has soft fair blue eyes, who darkened yours?—Listen!”
They were all singing now, Dick with the roar of the wind of the open sea about his ears as the deep bass voice let itself go.
They were all singing now, Dick with the roaring wind of the open sea around his ears as his deep bass voice filled the air.
“The morning gun—Ho, steady! the arquebuses to me!
I ha’ sounded the Dutch High Admiral’s heart as my lead doth sound the sea.
“Sounding, sounding the Ganges, floating down with the tide,
Moore me close to Charnock, next to my nut-brown bride.
My blessing to Kate at Fairlight—Holwell, my thanks to you;
Steady! We steer for heaven, through sand-drifts cold and blue.”
“The morning gun—Hey, hold on! Bring me the arquebuses!
I’ve tested the Dutch High Admiral’s resolve just like my shot tests the sea.
“Testing, testing the Ganges, drifting down with the tide,
Moore, bring me close to Charnock, right next to my lovely bride.
My blessings to Kate at Fairlight—Holwell, I appreciate you;
Steady! We’re heading for heaven, through the cold and blue sand dunes.”
“Now what is there in that nonsense to make a man restless?” said Dick, hauling Binkie from his feet to his chest.
“Now what’s in that nonsense to make someone restless?” said Dick, pulling Binkie from his feet to his chest.
“It depends on the man,” said Torpenhow.
“It depends on the guy,” said Torpenhow.
“The man who has been down to look at the sea,” said the Nilghai.
“The guy who went down to check out the sea,” said the Nilghai.
“I didn’t know she was going to upset me in this fashion.”
“I didn’t know she was going to bother me like this.”
“That’s what men say when they go to say good-bye to a woman. It’s more easy though to get rid of three women than a piece of one’s life and surroundings.”
"That’s what guys say when they go to say goodbye to a woman. It’s easier to let go of three women than to let go of a part of your life and the world around you."
“But a woman can be——” began Dick, unguardedly.
“But a woman can be——” started Dick, without thinking.
“A piece of one’s life,” continued Torpenhow. “No, she can’t. His face darkened for a moment. “She says she wants to sympathise with you and help you in your work, and everything else that clearly a man must do for himself. Then she sends round five notes a day to ask why the dickens you haven’t been wasting your time with her.”
“A piece of one’s life,” continued Torpenhow. “No, she can’t. His face darkened for a moment. “She says she wants to sympathize with you and help you with your work, and everything else that clearly a man must do for himself. Then she sends five notes a day asking why the heck you haven’t been wasting your time with her.”
“Don’t generalise,” said the Nilghai. “By the time you arrive at five notes a day you must have gone through a good deal and behaved accordingly.
“Don’t generalize,” said the Nilghai. “By the time you reach five notes a day, you must have experienced quite a bit and acted accordingly.
Shouldn’t begin these things, my son.”
Shouldn't start these things, my son.”
“I shouldn’t have gone down to the sea,” said Dick, just a little anxious to change the conversation. “And you shouldn’t have sung.”
“I shouldn't have gone down to the sea,” Dick said, a bit anxious to shift the conversation. “And you shouldn't have sung.”
“The sea isn’t sending you five notes a day,” said the Nilghai.
“The sea isn’t sending you five messages a day,” said the Nilghai.
“No, but I’m fatally compromised. She’s an enduring old hag, and I’m sorry I ever met her. Why wasn’t I born and bred and dead in a three-pair back?”
“No, but I'm seriously messed up. She's an old witch who just won't go away, and I regret ever meeting her. Why wasn’t I just born, raised, and dead in a small apartment?”
“Hear him blaspheming his first love! Why in the world shouldn’t you listen to her?” said Torpenhow.
“Hear him bashing his first love! Why on earth shouldn’t you pay attention to her?” said Torpenhow.
Before Dick could reply the Nilghai lifted up his voice with a shout that shook the windows, in “The Men of the Sea,” that begins, as all know, “The sea is a wicked old woman,” and after rading through eight lines whose imagery is truthful, ends in a refrain, slow as the clacking of a capstan when the boat comes unwillingly up to the bars where the men sweat and tramp in the shingle.
Before Dick could respond, the Nilghai shouted loudly, causing the windows to rattle, with “The Men of the Sea,” which, as everyone knows, begins, “The sea is a wicked old woman,” and after reading through eight lines with vivid imagery, concludes with a refrain as slow as the clanking of a capstan when the boat reluctantly approaches the bars where the men toil and tread on the gravel.
“‘Ye that bore us, O restore us!
She is kinder than ye;
For the call is on our heart-strings!’
Said The Men of the Sea.”
“‘You who gave us life, O bring us back!
She is more compassionate than you;
For the call resonates within our hearts!’
Said The Men of the Sea.”
The Nilghai sang that verse twice, with simple cunning, intending that Dick should hear. But Dick was waiting for the farewell of the men to their wives.
The Nilghai sang that verse twice, with a clever simplicity, hoping that Dick would hear. But Dick was waiting for the men to say goodbye to their wives.
“‘Ye that love us, can ye move us?
She is dearer than ye;
And your sleep will be the sweeter,’
Said The Men of the Sea.”
“‘You who love us, can you sway us?
She is more precious than you;
And your sleep will be more restful,’
Said The Men of the Sea.”
The rough words beat like the blows of the waves on the bows of the rickety boat from Lima in the days when Dick was mixing paints, making love, drawing devils and angels in the half dark, and wondering whether the next minute would put the Italian captain’s knife between his shoulder-blades. And the go-fever which is more real than many doctors’ diseases, waked and raged, urging him who loved Maisie beyond anything in the world, to go away and taste the old hot, unregenerate life again,—to scuffle, swear, gamble, and love light loves with his fellows; to take ship and know the sea once more, and by her beget pictures; to talk to Binat among the sands of Port Said while Yellow “Tina mixed the drinks; to hear the crackle of musketry, and see the smoke roll outward, thin and thicken again till the shining black faces came through, and in that hell every man was strictly responsible for his own head, and his own alone, and struck with an unfettered arm. It was impossible, utterly impossible, but—
The harsh words hit like the waves crashing against the worn-out boat from Lima back in the days when Dick was mixing paints, falling in love, sketching devils and angels in the dim light, and wondering if the next moment would bring the Italian captain’s knife between his shoulder blades. The restless urge that feels more real than many illnesses stirred and raged, pushing him—who loved Maisie more than anything else in the world—to run away and experience the wild, unapologetic life once more—to fight, curse, gamble, and have casual flings with his friends; to board a ship and feel the sea again, capturing images inspired by her; to chat with Binat on the sands of Port Said while Yellow “Tina” mixed drinks; to hear the crack of gunfire and watch the smoke roll out, thinning and then thickening again until shining black faces emerged, and in that chaos, every man was solely responsible for his own life, striking out with complete freedom. It was impossible, utterly impossible, but—
“‘Oh, our fathers in the churchyard,
She is older than ye,
And our graves will be the greener,’
Said The Men of the Sea.”
“‘Oh, our fathers in the cemetery,
She is older than you,
And our graves will be greener,’
Said The Men of the Sea.”
“What is there to hinder?” said Torpenhow, in the long hush that followed the song.
“What is there to stop us?” said Torpenhow, in the long silence that came after the song.
“You said a little time since that you wouldn’t come for a walk round the world, Torp.”
"You said not long ago that you wouldn't go for a walk around the world, Torp."
“That was months ago, and I only objected to your making money for travelling expenses. You’ve shot your bolt here and it has gone home. Go away and do some work, and see some things.”
“That was months ago, and I just had a problem with you making money for travel expenses. You've done everything you can here, and it's all been taken in. Go away, get to work, and experience some things.”
“Get some of the fat off you; you’re disgracefully out of condition,” said the Nilghai, making a plunge from the chair and grasping a handful of Dick generally over the right ribs. “Soft as putty—pure tallow born of over-feeding. Train it off, Dickie.”
“Lose some weight; you’re seriously out of shape,” said the Nilghai, jumping up from the chair and grabbing a handful of Dick right over the ribs. “You’re soft as putty—just pure fat from overeating. Work it off, Dickie.”
“We’re all equally gross, Nilghai. Next time you have to take the field you’ll sit down, wink your eyes, gasp, and die in a fit.”
“We're all equally gross, Nilghai. Next time you have to hit the field, you'll sit down, wink your eyes, gasp, and die in a fit.”
“Never mind. You go away on a ship. Go to Lima again, or to Brazil.
“Never mind. Just go away on a ship. Go to Lima again, or to Brazil.
There’s always trouble in South America.”
There’s always drama in South America.
“Do you suppose I want to be told where to go? Great Heavens, the only difficulty is to know where I’m to stop. But I shall stay here, as I told you before.”
“Do you really think I want someone to tell me where to go? Good grief, the only problem is figuring out where I should stop. But I’ll stay here, just like I said before.”
“Then you’ll be buried in Kensal Green and turn into adipocere with the others,” said Torpenhow. “Are you thinking of commissions in hand? Pay forfeit and go. You’ve money enough to travel as a king if you please.”
“Then you’ll be buried in Kensal Green and turn into fat like the others,” said Torpenhow. “Are you thinking about commissions you have? Pay the price and leave. You’ve got enough money to travel like a king if you want.”
“You’ve the grisliest notions of amusement, Torp. I think I see myself shipping first class on a six-thousand-ton hotel, and asking the third engineer what makes the engines go round, and whether it isn’t very warm in the stokehold. Ho! ho! I should ship as a loafer if ever I shipped at all, which I’m not going to do. I shall compromise, and go for a small trip to begin with.”
“You have the most gruesome ideas of fun, Torp. I can just picture myself traveling first class on a six-thousand-ton hotel ship, asking the third engineer what makes the engines run, and if it’s not too hot in the engine room. Ha! I’d just be a slacker if I ever sailed at all, which I’m not planning to do. I’ll settle for a short trip to start with.”
“That’s something at any rate. Where will you go?” said Torpenhow. “It would do you all the good in the world, old man.”
“That’s something, anyway. Where are you headed?” said Torpenhow. “It would really do you good, old man.”
The Nilghai saw the twinkle in Dick’s eye, and refrained from speech.
The Nilghai noticed the glimmer in Dick's eye and held back from speaking.
“I shall go in the first place to Rathray’s stable, where I shall hire one horse, and take him very carefully as far as Richmond Hill. Then I shall walk him back again, in case he should accidentally burst into a lather and make Rathray angry. I shall do that to-morrow, for the sake of air and exercise.”
“I'll first head to Rathray’s stable to rent a horse and take him carefully to Richmond Hill. Then I'll walk him back to avoid him getting all sweaty and upsetting Rathray. I'll do this tomorrow for some fresh air and exercise.”
“Bah!” Dick had barely time to throw up his arm and ward off the cushion that the disgusted Torpenhow heaved at his head.
“Bah!” Dick barely had time to raise his arm and block the cushion that the annoyed Torpenhow threw at his head.
“Air and exercise indeed,” said the Nilghai, sitting down heavily on Dick.
“Fresh air and exercise, for sure,” said the Nilghai, sitting down heavily on Dick.
“Let’s give him a little of both. Get the bellows, Torp.”
“Let’s give him a bit of both. Get the bellows, Torp.”
At this point the conference broke up in disorder, because Dick would not open his mouth till the Nilghai held his nose fast, and there was some trouble in forcing the nozzle of the bellows between his teeth; and even when it was there he weakly tried to puff against the force of the blast, and his cheeks blew up with a great explosion; and the enemy becoming helpless with laughter he so beat them over the head with a soft sofa cushion that that became unsewn and distributed its feathers, and Binkie, interfering in Torpenhow’s interests, was bundled into the half-empty bag and advised to scratch his way out, which he did after a while, travelling rapidly up and down the floor in the shape of an agitated green haggis, and when he came out looking for satisfaction, the three pillars of his world were picking feathers out of their hair.
At this point, the conference fell into chaos because Dick wouldn’t say a word until the Nilghai held his nose tight, and it became a struggle to get the nozzle of the bellows between his teeth. Even once it was in place, he weakly tried to blow against the force of the blast, and his cheeks puffed up with a huge explosion. The enemy, helpless with laughter, ended up getting hit on the head with a soft sofa cushion so hard that it burst open and sent feathers flying everywhere. Binkie, stepping in to help Torpenhow, was tossed into the half-empty bag and told to scratch his way out, which he eventually did. He zoomed around the floor like a frantic green haggis, and when he finally emerged looking for trouble, the three pillars of his world were busy picking feathers out of their hair.
“A prophet has no honour in his own country,” said Dick, ruefully, dusting his knees. “This filthy fluff will never brush off my legs.”
“A prophet has no honor in his own country,” said Dick, sadly, dusting off his knees. “This filthy fluff will never come off my legs.”
“It was all for your own good,” said the Nilghai. “Nothing like air and exercise.”
“It was all for your own good,” said the Nilghai. “Nothing beats fresh air and exercise.”
“All for your good,” said Torpenhow, not in the least with reference to past clowning. “It would let you focus things at their proper worth and prevent your becoming slack in this hothouse of a town. Indeed it would, old man. I shouldn’t have spoken if I hadn’t thought so. Only, you make a joke of everything.”
“All for your good,” said Torpenhow, not at all referring to past foolishness. “It would help you appreciate things at their true value and stop you from getting lazy in this pressure cooker of a town. It really would, man. I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t believe that. But you just laugh at everything.”
“Before God I do no such thing,” said Dick, quickly and earnestly. “You don’t know me if you think that.”
“Before God, I wouldn’t do that,” Dick said, quickly and sincerely. “You don’t really know me if you think that.”
I don’t think it,” said the Nilghai.
I don’t think so,” said the Nilghai.
“How can fellows like ourselves, who know what life and death really mean, dare to make a joke of anything? I know we pretend it, to save ourselves from breaking down or going to the other extreme. Can’t I see, old man, how you’re always anxious about me, and try to advise me to make my work better? Do you suppose I don’t think about that myself? But you can’t help me—you can’t help me—not even you. I must play my own hand alone in my own way.”
“How can people like us, who truly understand what life and death are about, dare to joke about anything? I know we put on a front to keep ourselves from breaking down or going to the opposite extreme. Can’t I see, old man, how you’re always worried about me and try to guide me to improve my work? Do you really think I don’t think about that myself? But you can’t help me—you can’t help me—not even you. I have to play my own hand, alone, in my own way.”
“Hear, hear,” from the Nilghai.
“Hear, hear,” from the Nilghai.
“What’s the one thing in the Nilghai Saga that I’ve never drawn in the Nungapunga Book?” Dick continued to Torpenhow, who was a little astonished at the outburst.
“What’s the one thing in the Nilghai Saga that I’ve never illustrated in the Nungapunga Book?” Dick continued to Torpenhow, who was a bit surprised by the sudden outburst.
Now there was one blank page in the book given over to the sketch that Dick had not drawn of the crowning exploit in the Nilghai’s life; when that man, being young and forgetting that his body and bones belonged to the paper that employed him, had ridden over sunburned slippery grass in the rear of Bredow’s brigade on the day that the troopers flung themselves at Caurobert’s artillery, and for aught they knew twenty battalions in front, to save the battered 24th German Infantry, to give time to decide the fate of Vionville, and to learn ere their remnant came back to Flavigay that cavalry can attack and crumple and break unshaken infantry. Whenever he was inclined to think over a life that might have been better, an income that might have been larger, and a soul that might have been considerably cleaner, the Nilghai would comfort himself with the thought, “I rode with Bredow’s brigade at Vionville,” and take heart for any lesser battle the next day might bring.
Now there was one blank page in the book dedicated to the sketch that Dick hadn’t drawn of the Nilghai’s greatest achievement; when that young man, forgetting that his body and bones belonged to the paper that employed him, rode over sunbaked slippery grass behind Bredow’s brigade on the day the soldiers charged at Caurobert’s artillery, and for all they knew, twenty battalions in front, to save the battered 24th German Infantry, to buy time to determine the fate of Vionville, and to realize before their remaining forces returned to Flavigay that cavalry can charge and overwhelm steadfast infantry. Whenever he felt inclined to reflect on a life that could have been better, an income that could have been bigger, and a soul that could have been much cleaner, the Nilghai would reassure himself with the thought, “I rode with Bredow’s brigade at Vionville,” and find courage for whatever lesser challenge the next day might bring.
“I know,” he said very gravely. “I was always glad that you left it out.”
“I know,” he said seriously. “I was always glad you skipped it.”
“I left it out because Nilghai taught me what the Germany army learned then, and what Schmidt taught their cavalry. I don’t know German.
“I left it out because Nilghai taught me what the German army learned then, and what Schmidt taught their cavalry. I don’t know German."
What is it? “Take care of the time and the dressing will take care of itself.” I must ride my own line to my own beat, old man.”
What is it? “Focus on the timing, and the outfit will handle itself.” I have to go my own way, at my own pace, old man.”
“Tempo ist richtung. You’ve learned your lesson well,” said the Nilghai.
“Tempo is direction. You’ve learned your lesson well,” said the Nilghai.
“He must go alone. He speaks truth, Torp.”
“He has to go by himself. He’s telling the truth, Torp.”
“Maybe I’m as wrong as I can be—hideously wrong. I must find that out for myself, as I have to think things out for myself, but I daren’t turn my head to dress by the next man. It hurts me a great deal more than you know not to be able to go, but I cannot, that’s all. I must do my own work and live my own life in my own way, because I’m responsible for both.
“Maybe I’m completely wrong—totally wrong. I need to discover that for myself, as I have to figure things out on my own, but I can’t rely on someone else to guide me. It hurts me much more than you realize that I can’t go, but I just can’t, that’s all. I have to do my own work and live my life the way I want, because I’m accountable for both.”
Only don’t think I frivol about it, Torp. I have my own matches and sulphur, and I’ll make my own hell, thanks.”
“Just don’t think I’m joking about it, Torp. I have my own matches and sulfur, and I’ll create my own hell, thanks.”
There was an uncomfortable pause. Then Torpenhow said blandly, “What did the Governor of North Carolina say to the Governor of South Carolina?”
There was an awkward silence. Then Torpenhow said casually, “What did the Governor of North Carolina say to the Governor of South Carolina?”
“Excellent notion. It is a long time between drinks. There are the makings of a very fine prig in you, Dick,” said the Nilghai.
“Great idea. It's been a while since the last drink. You have the potential to be quite the snob, Dick,” said the Nilghai.
“I’ve liberated my mind, estimable Binkie, with the feathers in his mouth.” Dick picked up the still indignant one and shook him tenderly.
“I’ve freed my mind, dear Binkie, with the feathers in his mouth.” Dick picked up the still offended one and shook him gently.
“You’re tied up in a sack and made to run about blind, Binkie-wee, without any reason, and it has hurt your little feelings. Never mind. Sic volo, sic jubeo, stet pro ratione voluntas, and don’t sneeze in my eye because I talk Latin. Good-night.”
“You’re stuck in a sack and forced to run around blind, Binkie-wee, for no reason at all, and it’s hurt your feelings. Don’t worry. Sic volo, sic jubeo, stet pro ratione voluntas, and don’t sneeze in my face just because I speak Latin. Good-night.”
He went out of the room.
He walked out of the room.
“That’s distinctly one for you,” said the Nilghai. “I told you it was hopeless to meddle with him. He’s not pleased.”
"That’s definitely one for you," said the Nilghai. "I told you it was pointless to mess with him. He’s not happy."
“He’d swear at me if he weren’t. I can’t make it out. He has the go-fever upon him and he won’t go. I only hope that he mayn’t have to go some day when he doesn’t want to,” said Torpenhow.
“He’d curse at me if he could. I can’t figure it out. He’s got the wanderlust but he isn’t going anywhere. I just hope that one day he doesn’t have to leave when he doesn’t want to,” said Torpenhow.
In his own room Dick was settling a question with himself—and the question was whether all the world, and all that was therein, and a burning desire to exploit both, was worth one threepenny piece thrown into the Thames.
In his own room, Dick was wrestling with a question—and the question was whether the entire world, everything in it, and a strong desire to take advantage of both, was worth just one threepenny piece tossed into the Thames.
“It came of seeing the sea, and I’m a cur to think about it,” he decided.
“It was because I saw the sea, and I’m a coward to even think about it,” he decided.
“After all, the honeymoon will be that tour—with reservations; only... only I didn’t realise that the sea was so strong. I didn’t feel it so much when I was with Maisie. These damnable songs did it. He’s beginning again.”
“After all, the honeymoon will be that trip—with reservations; only... only I didn’t realize the sea was so strong. I didn’t feel it much when I was with Maisie. These damn songs did it. He’s starting again.”
But it was only Herrick’s Nightpiece to Julia that the Nilghai sang, and before it was ended Dick reappeared on the threshold, not altogether clothed indeed, but in his right mind, thirsty and at peace.
But it was only Herrick’s Nightpiece to Julia that the Nilghai sang, and before it was finished, Dick showed up at the door, not completely dressed, but sane, thirsty, and at ease.
The mood had come and gone with the rising and the falling of the tide by Fort Keeling.
The mood rose and fell with the tides by Fort Keeling.
CHAPTER IX
“If I have taken the common clay
And wrought it cunningly
In the shape of a god that was digged a clod,
The greater honour to me.”
“If thou hast taken the common clay,
And thy hands be not free
From the taint of the soil, thou hast made thy spoil
The greater shame to thee.”—The Two Potters.
“If I've taken the common clay
And shaped it skillfully
Into the form of a god made from dirt,
That brings me greater honor.”
“If you've taken the common clay,
And your hands aren't clean
From the dirt of the earth, then your work
Brings you greater shame.” —The Two Potters.
He did no work of any kind for the rest of the week. Then came another Sunday. He dreaded and longed for the day always, but since the red-haired girl had sketched him there was rather more dread than desire in his mind.
He didn’t do any work for the rest of the week. Then another Sunday arrived. He both dreaded and looked forward to the day, but ever since the red-haired girl had drawn him, there was more dread than excitement in his mind.
He found that Maisie had entirely neglected his suggestions about line-work. She had gone off at score filled with some absurd notion for a “fancy head.” It cost Dick something to command his temper.
He discovered that Maisie had completely ignored his advice about the line work. She had gotten started with some ridiculous idea for a “fancy head.” It took effort for Dick to keep his cool.
“What’s the good of suggesting anything?” he said pointedly.
“What’s the point of suggesting anything?” he said pointedly.
“Ah, but this will be a picture,—a real picture; and I know that Kami will let me send it to the Salon. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Ah, but this will be a painting—a real painting; and I know that Kami will let me send it to the gallery. You don’t mind, do you?”
“I suppose not. But you won’t have time for the Salon.”
“I guess not. But you won’t have time for the Salon.”
Maisie hesitated a little. She even felt uncomfortable.
Maisie hesitated for a moment. She even felt uneasy.
“We’re going over to France a month sooner because of it. I shall get the idea sketched out here and work it up at Kami’s.
“We’re going to France a month earlier because of it. I’ll outline the idea here and develop it at Kami’s.”
Dick’s heart stood still, and he came very near to being disgusted with his queen who could do no wrong. “Just when I thought I had made some headway, she goes off chasing butterflies. It’s too maddening!”
Dick’s heart stopped, and he almost felt disgusted with his queen who could do no wrong. “Just when I thought I was making progress, she goes off chasing butterflies. It’s so frustrating!”
There was no possibility of arguing, for the red-haired girl was in the studio. Dick could only look unutterable reproach.
There was no way to argue, because the red-haired girl was in the studio. Dick could only give an expression of indescribable disapproval.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “and I think you make a mistake. But what’s the idea of your new picture?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but I think you’re making a mistake. What’s the concept behind your new picture?”
“I took it from a book.”
“I got it from a book.”
“That’s bad, to begin with. Books aren’t the places for pictures. And——”
“That’s not good, to start with. Books aren’t the right place for pictures. And——”
“It’s this,” said the red-haired girl behind him. “I was reading it to Maisie the other day from The City of Dreadful Night. D’you know the book?”
“It’s this,” said the red-haired girl behind him. “I was reading it to Maisie the other day from The City of Dreadful Night. Do you know the book?”
“A little. I am sorry I spoke. There are pictures in it. What has taken her fancy?”
“A bit. I’m sorry I said anything. There are pictures in it. What caught her interest?”
“The description of the Melancolia—
"The description of the Melancholy—"
“Her folded wings as of a mighty eagle,
But all too impotent to lift the regal
Robustness of her earth-born strength and pride.
“Her folded wings like those of a mighty eagle,
But far too weak to lift the noble
Strength and pride that came from the earth.”
And here again. (Maisie, get the tea, dear.)
And here we are again. (Maisie, could you please bring the tea, dear?)
“The forehead charged with baleful thoughts and dreams,
The household bunch of keys, the housewife’s gown,
Voluminous indented, and yet rigid
As though a shell of burnished metal frigid,
Her feet thick-shod to tread all weakness down.”
“The forehead heavy with dark thoughts and dreams,
The house keyring, the housewife’s dress,
Full of folds, yet stiff
Like a shell of cold, shiny metal,
Her feet in sturdy shoes to crush any weakness.”
There was no attempt to conceal the scorn of the lazy voice. Dick winced.
There was no effort to hide the disdain in the lazy voice. Dick flinched.
“But that has been done already by an obscure artist by the name of Durer,” said he. “How does the poem run?—
“But that’s already been done by some unknown artist named Durer,” he said. “What’s the poem like?—
“Three centuries and threescore years ago,
With phantasies of his peculiar thought.
“Three hundred and sixty years ago,
With visions of his unique ideas.
You might as well try to rewrite Hamlet. It will be a waste of time.
You might as well try to rewrite Hamlet. It would be a waste of time.
“No, it won’t,” said Maisie, putting down the teacups with a clatter to reassure herself. “And I mean to do it. Can’t you see what a beautiful thing it would make?”
“No, it won’t,” said Maisie, setting down the teacups with a clatter to calm herself. “And I really plan to do it. Can’t you see how beautiful it would be?”
“How in perdition can one do work when one hasn’t had the proper training? Any fool can get a notion. It needs training to drive the thing through,—training and conviction; not rushing after the first fancy.” Dick spoke between his teeth.
“How on earth can someone do work when they haven't had the right training? Anyone can come up with an idea. It takes training to follow it through—training and conviction; not just chasing after the first whim.” Dick spoke through clenched teeth.
“You don’t understand,” said Maisie. “I think I can do it.”
“You don’t get it,” said Maisie. “I believe I can do it.”
Again the voice of the girl behind him—
Again, he heard the voice of the girl behind him—
“Baffled and beaten back, she works on still;
Weary and sick of soul, she works the more.
Sustained by her indomitable will,
The hands shall fashion, and the brain shall pore,
And all her sorrow shall be turned to labour——
“Confused and pushed aside, she keeps working;
Tired and weary in spirit, she works even harder.
Driven by her unbreakable determination,
Her hands will create, and her mind will focus,
And all her pain will be transformed into effort——
I fancy Maisie means to embody herself in the picture.”
I think Maisie intends to represent herself in the picture.
“Sitting on a throne of rejected pictures? No, I shan’t, dear. The notion in itself has fascinated me.—Of course you don’t care for fancy heads, Dick.
“Sitting on a throne of rejected pictures? No, I won’t, dear. The idea itself has intrigued me.—Of course you’re not into fancy ideas, Dick.
I don’t think you could do them. You like blood and bones.”
I don’t think you could handle them. You’re into blood and guts.
“That’s a direct challenge. If you can do a Melancolia that isn’t merely a sorrowful female head, I can do a better one; and I will, too. What d’you know about Melacolias?” Dick firmly believed that he was even then tasting three-quarters of all the sorrow in the world.
“That’s a direct challenge. If you can create a Melancolia that isn’t just a sad female face, I can create a better one; and I will, too. What do you know about Melacolias?” Dick was convinced that he was already experiencing three-quarters of all the sorrow in the world.
“She was a woman,” said Maisie, “and she suffered a great deal,—till she could suffer no more. Then she began to laugh at it all, and then I painted her and sent her to the Salon.”
“She was a woman,” said Maisie, “and she went through a lot of pain—until she couldn’t take it anymore. Then she started to laugh about everything, and that’s when I painted her and sent her to the Salon.”
The red-haired girl rose up and left the room, laughing.
The girl with red hair got up and walked out of the room, laughing.
Dick looked at Maisie humbly and hopelessly.
Dick looked at Maisie with a mix of humility and despair.
“Never mind about the picture,” he said. “Are you really going back to Kami’s for a month before your time?”
“Forget about the picture,” he said. “Are you actually going back to Kami’s for a month before your time?”
“I must, if I want to get the picture done.”
“I have to do it if I want to finish the picture.”
“And that’s all you want?”
“Is that all you want?”
“Of course. Don’t be stupid, Dick.”
“Of course. Don't be silly, Dick.”
“You haven’t the power. You have only the ideas—the ideas and the little cheap impulses. How you could have kept at your work for ten years steadily is a mystery to me. So you are really going,—a month before you need?”
“You don’t have the power. You only have the ideas—the ideas and the small, cheap impulses. I can't understand how you managed to stick with your work for ten years straight. So you’re actually leaving—a month before you have to?”
“I must do my work.”
"I have to get my work done."
“Your work—bah!... No, I didn’t mean that. It’s all right, dear. Of course you must do your work, and—I think I’ll say good-bye for this week.”
“Your work—ugh!... No, I didn’t mean that. It’s all good, dear. Of course you have to do your work, and—I think I’ll say goodbye for this week.”
“Won’t you even stay for tea? “No, thank you. Have I your leave to go, dear? There’s nothing more you particularly want me to do, and the line-work doesn’t matter.”
“Won’t you at least stay for tea?” “No, thank you. May I go now, dear? There’s nothing else you really want me to do, and the line-work doesn’t matter.”
“I wish you could stay, and then we could talk over my picture. If only one single picture’s a success, it draws attention to all the others. I know some of my work is good, if only people could see. And you needn’t have been so rude about it.”
“I wish you could stick around so we could chat about my painting. If just one piece is a hit, it shines a light on all the others. I know some of my work is decent, if only people would notice. And you didn’t have to be so rude about it.”
“I’m sorry. We’ll talk the Melancolia over some one of the other Sundays.
“I’m sorry. We’ll discuss the Melancolia another Sunday.”
There are four more—yes, one, two, three, four—before you go. Good-bye, Maisie.”
There are four more—yeah, one, two, three, four—before you leave. See you, Maisie.”
Maisie stood by the studio window, thinking, till the red-haired girl returned, a little white at the corners of her lips.
Maisie stood by the studio window, lost in thought, until the red-haired girl came back, a bit pale at the corners of her lips.
“Dick’s gone off,” said Maisie. “Just when I wanted to talk about the picture. Isn’t it selfish of him?”
“Dick has left,” Maisie said. “Right when I wanted to talk about the picture. Isn’t that selfish of him?”
Her companion opened her lips as if to speak, shut them again, and went on reading The City of Dreadful Night.
Her companion opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it again and continued reading The City of Dreadful Night.
Dick was in the Park, walking round and round a tree that he had chosen as his confidante for many Sundays past. He was swearing audibly, and when he found that the infirmities of the English tongue hemmed in his rage, he sought consolation in Arabic, which is expressly designed for the use of the afflicted. He was not pleased with the reward of his patient service; nor was he pleased with himself; and it was long before he arrived at the proposition that the queen could do no wrong.
Dick was in the park, pacing around a tree he had picked as his buddy for many Sundays. He was cursing out loud, and when he realized that the limitations of the English language were holding back his anger, he turned to Arabic, which is perfect for the distressed. He wasn't happy with the outcome of his faithful efforts, nor was he happy with himself; it took him a while to accept the idea that the queen could do no wrong.
“It’s a losing game,” he said. “I’m worth nothing when a whim of hers is in question. But in a losing game at Port Said we used to double the stakes and go on. She do a Melancolia! She hasn’t the power, or the insight, or the training. Only the desire. She’s cursed with the curse of Reuben. She won’t do line-work, because it means real work; and yet she’s stronger than I am. I’ll make her understand that I can beat her on her own Melancolia. Even then she wouldn’t care. She says I can only do blood and bones. I don’t believe she has blood in her veins. All the same I love her; and I must go on loving her; and if I can humble her inordinate vanity I will. I’ll do a Melancolia that shall be something like a Melancolia—“the Melancolia that transcends all wit.” I’ll do it at once, con—bless her.”
“It’s a losing game,” he said. “I’m worth nothing when it comes to her whims. But back in Port Said, we used to double the stakes and keep going, even in a losing game. She can’t do a Melancolia! She lacks the power, insight, and training. All she has is the desire. She’s cursed with the curse of Reuben. She won't do line work because that means real effort; yet she’s stronger than I am. I’ll make her understand that I can beat her at her own game of Melancolia. Even then, she wouldn’t care. She says I can only do blood and bones. I don’t think she has any blood in her veins. Still, I love her; and I have to keep loving her; and if I can bring down her overwhelming vanity, I will. I’ll create a Melancolia that’s truly something special—“the Melancolia that surpasses all wit.” I’ll get started on it right away, con—bless her.”
He discovered that the notion would not come to order, and that he could not free his mind for an hour from the thought of Maisie’s departure. He took very small interest in her rough studies for the Melancolia when she showed them next week. The Sundays were racing past, and the time was at hand when all the church bells in London could not ring Maisie back to him. Once or twice he said something to Binkie about “hermaphroditic futilities,” but the little dog received so many confidences both from Torpenhow and Dick that he did not trouble his tulip-ears to listen.
He realized that his thoughts were all over the place and he couldn't stop thinking about Maisie's departure, not even for an hour. When she showed him her rough drafts for the Melancolia the following week, he barely paid attention. Sundays were flying by, and soon, no church bells in London would be able to bring Maisie back to him. A couple of times, he mentioned “hermaphroditic futilities” to Binkie, but the little dog heard so many secrets from both Torpenhow and Dick that he didn't bother to listen.
Dick was permitted to see the girls off. They were going by the Dover night-boat; and they hoped to return in August. It was then February, and Dick felt that he was being hardly used. Maisie was so busy stripping the small house across the Park, and packing her canvases, that she had not time for thought. Dick went down to Dover and wasted a day there fretting over a wonderful possibility. Would Maisie at the very last allow him one small kiss? He reflected that he might capture her by the strong arm, as he had seem women captured in the Southern Soudan, and lead her away; but Maisie would never be led. She would turn her gray eyes upon him and say, “Dick, how selfish you are!” Then his courage would fail him. It would be better, after all, to beg for that kiss.
Dick was allowed to see the girls off. They were taking the night ferry to Dover and hoped to return in August. It was February, and Dick felt like he was being treated unfairly. Maisie was so busy clearing out the little house across the park and packing her canvases that she didn’t have time to think. Dick went down to Dover and spent a day there, worrying about an amazing possibility. Would Maisie, at the last minute, let him have just one small kiss? He thought about grabbing her like he had seen women captured in the Southern Sudan and pulling her away, but Maisie would never go along with that. She would look at him with her gray eyes and say, “Dick, how selfish you are!” Then he would lose his nerve. It would be better, after all, to ask for that kiss.
Maisie looked more than usually kissable as she stepped from the night-mail on to the windy pier, in a gray waterproof and a little gray cloth travelling-cap. The red-haired girl was not so lovely. Her green eyes were hollow and her lips were dry. Dick saw the trunks aboard, and went to Maisie’s side in the darkness under the bridge. The mail-bags were thundering into the forehold, and the red-haired girl was watching them.
Maisie looked especially kissable as she stepped off the night train onto the windy pier, wearing a gray raincoat and a little gray travel cap. The red-haired girl didn't look as beautiful. Her green eyes were sunken and her lips were chapped. Dick saw the luggage being loaded and walked over to Maisie's side in the darkness under the bridge. The mail bags were being dropped into the cargo hold with a loud thump, and the red-haired girl was watching them.
“You’ll have a rough passage to-night,” said Dick. “It’s blowing outside. I suppose I may come over and see you if I’m good?”
“You’re going to have a tough time tonight,” said Dick. “It’s really windy outside. Can I come over and see you if I behave?”
“You mustn’t. I shall be busy. At least, if I want you I’ll send for you. But I shall write from Vitry-sur-Marne. I shall have heaps of things to consult you about. Oh, Dick, you have been so good to me!—so good to me!”
“You can’t. I’ll be busy. At least, if I need you, I’ll call for you. But I’ll write from Vitry-sur-Marne. I’ll have tons of things to ask you about. Oh, Dick, you’ve been so kind to me!—so kind to me!”
“Thank you for that, dear. It hasn’t made any difference, has it?”
“Thanks for that, dear. It hasn’t changed anything, has it?”
“I can’t tell a fib. It hasn’t—in that way. But don’t think I’m not grateful.”
“I can’t lie. It never has—in that way. But don’t think I’m not grateful.”
“Damn the gratitude!” said Dick, huskily, to the paddle-box.
“Damn the gratitude!” Dick said hoarsely to the paddle-box.
“What’s the use of worrying? You know I should ruin your life, and you’d ruin mine, as things are now. You remember what you said when you were so angry that day in the Park? One of us has to be broken.
“What’s the point of worrying? You know I could mess up your life, and you’d mess up mine, just like things are now. Do you remember what you said when you were so mad that day in the Park? One of us has to be broken."
Can’t you wait till that day comes?”
Can’t you wait until that day comes?”
“No, love. I want you unbroken—all to myself.”
“No, my love. I want you whole—all to myself.”
Maisie shook her head. “My poor Dick, what can I say!”
Maisie shook her head. “My poor Dick, what can I say?”
“Don’t say anything. Give me a kiss. Only one kiss, Maisie. I’ll swear I won’t take any more. You might as well, and then I can be sure you’re grateful.”
“Don’t say a word. Just give me a kiss. Just one kiss, Maisie. I promise I won’t ask for another. You might as well, and then I’ll know you appreciate it.”
Maisie put her cheek forward, and Dick took his reward in the darkness.
Maisie leaned forward, and Dick accepted his reward in the darkness.
It was only one kiss, but, since there was no time-limit specified, it was a long one. Maisie wrenched herself free angrily, and Dick stood abashed and tingling from head to toe.
It was just one kiss, but since there was no time limit set, it lasted a long time. Maisie pulled away angrily, and Dick stood there, embarrassed and tingling all over.
“Good-bye, darling. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. Only—keep well and do good work,—specially the Melancolia. I’m going to do one, too. Remember me to Kami, and be careful what you drink. Country drinking-water is bad everywhere, but it’s worse in France. Write to me if you want anything, and good-bye. Say good-bye to the whatever-you-call-um girl, and—can’t I have another kiss? No. You’re quite right. Good-bye.”
“Goodbye, darling. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. Just—stay healthy and do great work, especially on the Melancolia. I’m going to do one, too. Say hi to Kami for me, and be cautious about what you drink. Country drinking water is bad everywhere, but it’s worse in France. Write to me if you need anything, and goodbye. Say goodbye to the whatever-you-call-her girl, and—can’t I have another kiss? No. You’re totally right. Goodbye.”
A shout told him that it was not seemly to charge up the mail-bag incline. He reached the pier as the steamer began to move off, and he followed her with his heart.
A shout warned him that it wasn't appropriate to run up the mail-bag slope. He arrived at the pier just as the ship started to leave, and he watched her go with his heart heavy.
“And there’s nothing—nothing in the wide world—to keep us apart except her obstinacy. These Calais night-boats are much too small. I’ll get Torp to write to the papers about it. She’s beginning to pitch already.”
“And there’s nothing—nothing in the whole world—to keep us apart except her stubbornness. These Calais night boats are way too small. I’ll have Torp write to the papers about it. She’s starting to throw a fit already.”
Maisie stood where Dick had left her till she heard a little gasping cough at her elbow. The red-haired girl’s eyes were alight with cold flame.
Maisie stood where Dick had left her until she heard a small, gasping cough beside her. The red-haired girl's eyes sparkled with a cold fire.
“He kissed you!” she said. “How could you let him, when he wasn’t anything to you? How dared you to take a kiss from him? Oh, Maisie, let’s go to the ladies’ cabin. I’m sick,—deadly sick.”
“He kissed you!” she exclaimed. “How could you let him, when he meant nothing to you? How could you accept a kiss from him? Oh, Maisie, let’s go to the ladies’ cabin. I feel awful—really awful.”
“We aren’t into open water yet. Go down, dear, and I’ll stay here. I don’t like the smell of the engines.... Poor Dick! He deserved one,—only one.
“We aren’t in open water yet. Go down, dear, and I’ll stay here. I don’t like the smell of the engines... Poor Dick! He deserved one—only one.”
But I didn’t think he’d frighten me so.”
But I didn’t think he’d scare me that much.
Dick returned to town next day just in time for lunch, for which he had telegraphed. To his disgust, there were only empty plates in the studio.
Dick got back to town the next day right in time for lunch, which he had sent a telegram about. To his disappointment, there were only empty plates in the studio.
He lifted up his voice like the bears in the fairy-tale, and Torpenhow entered, looking guilty.
He raised his voice like the bears in the fairy tale, and Torpenhow walked in, looking guilty.
“H’sh!” said he. “Don’t make such a noise. I took it. Come into my rooms, and I’ll show you why.”
“H’sh!” he said. “Don’t make so much noise. I took it. Come into my room, and I’ll show you why.”
Dick paused amazed at the threshold, for on Torpenhow’s sofa lay a girl asleep and breathing heavily. The little cheap sailor-hat, the blue-and-white dress, fitter for June than for February, dabbled with mud at the skirts, the jacket trimmed with imitation Astrakhan and ripped at the shoulder-seams, the one-and-elevenpenny umbrella, and, above all, the disgraceful condition of the kid-topped boots, declared all things.
Dick paused in amazement at the doorway, because on Torpenhow’s sofa lay a girl who was asleep and breathing heavily. The small, inexpensive sailor hat, the blue-and-white dress more suitable for June than February, was stained with mud at the hem, the jacket edged with faux Astrakhan and torn at the shoulders, the one-and-elevenpenny umbrella, and, most of all, the disgraceful state of the kid-topped boots, told the whole story.
“Oh, I say, old man, this is too bad! You mustn’t bring this sort up here.
“Oh, I can't believe this, man, this is really unfortunate! You shouldn't bring this kind of stuff up here.
They steal things from the rooms.”
They take things from the rooms.”
“It looks bad, I admit, but I was coming in after lunch, and she staggered into the hall. I thought she was drunk at first, but it was collapse. I couldn’t leave her as she was, so I brought her up here and gave her your lunch. She was fainting from want of food. She went fast asleep the minute she had finished.”
“It looks bad, I’ll admit, but I was coming in after lunch when she staggered into the hallway. At first, I thought she was drunk, but she had actually collapsed. I couldn’t just leave her like that, so I brought her up here and gave her your lunch. She was fainting from lack of food. She fell asleep as soon as she finished.”
“I know something of that complaint. She’s been living on sausages, I suppose. Torp, you should have handed her over to a policeman for presuming to faint in a respectable house. Poor little wretch! Look at the face! There isn’t an ounce of immorality in it. Only folly,—slack, fatuous, feeble, futile folly. It’s a typical head. D’you notice how the skull begins to show through the flesh padding on the face and cheek-bone?”
“I know a bit about that issue. She’s been living on sausages, I guess. Torp, you should have turned her over to a cop for daring to faint in a decent home. Poor little thing! Just look at her face! There’s not a trace of immorality in it. Just stupidity—lazy, meaningless, weak, pointless stupidity. It’s a typical look. Do you see how the skull is starting to show through the flesh on her face and cheekbone?”
“What a cold-blooded barbarian it is! Don’t hit a woman when she’s down. Can’t we do anything? She was simply dropping with starvation.
“What a cold-blooded barbarian he is! Don’t hit a woman when she’s down. Can’t we do anything? She was just collapsing from hunger.
She almost fell into my arms, and when she got to the food she ate like a wild beast. It was horrible.”
She almost toppled into my arms, and when she got to the food, she wolfed it down like a wild animal. It was terrible.
“I can give her money, which she would probably spend in drinks. Is she going to sleep for ever?”
“I can give her money, but she'll probably just spend it on drinks. Is she going to sleep forever?”
The girl opened her eyes and glared at the men between terror and effrontery.
The girl opened her eyes and stared at the men, caught between fear and defiance.
“Feeling better?” said Torpenhow.
"Feeling better?" Torpenhow asked.
“Yes. Thank you. There aren’t many gentlemen that are as kind as you are. Thank you.”
“Yes. Thank you. There aren’t many guys as kind as you are. Thanks.”
“When did you leave service?” said Dick, who had been watching the scarred and chapped hands.
“When did you leave the service?” Dick asked, noticing the scarred and chapped hands.
“How did you know I was in service? I was. General servant. I didn’t like it.”
“How did you know I was working? I was. A general servant. I didn’t like it.”
“And how do you like being your own mistress?”
“And how do you like being in charge of your own life?”
“Do I look as if I liked it?”
“Do I look like I enjoyed it?”
“I suppose not. One moment. Would you be good enough to turn your face to the window?”
“I guess not. One second. Could you please turn your face to the window?”
The girl obeyed, and Dick watched her face keenly,—so keenly that she made as if to hide behind Torpenhow.
The girl obeyed, and Dick observed her face closely—so closely that she tried to hide behind Torpenhow.
“The eyes have it,” said Dick, walking up and down. “They are superb eyes for my business. And, after all, every head depends on the eyes. This has been sent from heaven to make up for—what was taken away. Now the weekly strain’s off my shoulders, I can get to work in earnest.
“The eyes have it,” said Dick, pacing back and forth. “They’re perfect eyes for my business. And really, every head relies on the eyes. This has been sent from above to compensate for—what was lost. Now that the weekly pressure is off my shoulders, I can finally focus on my work.”
Evidently sent from heaven. Yes. Raise your chin a little, please.”
Evidently sent from heaven. Yes. Please lift your chin a bit.
“Gently, old man, gently. You’re scaring somebody out of her wits,” said Torpenhow, who could see the girl trembling.
“Take it easy, old man, take it easy. You’re freaking someone out,” said Torpenhow, noticing the girl shaking.
“Don’t let him hit me! Oh, please don’t let him hit me! I’ve been hit cruel to-day because I spoke to a man. Don’t let him look at me like that! He’s reg’lar wicked, that one. Don’t let him look at me like that, neither! Oh, I feel as if I hadn’t nothing on when he looks at me like that!”
“Don’t let him hit me! Oh, please don’t let him hit me! I’ve been treated badly today because I talked to a guy. Don’t let him look at me like that! He’s really evil, that one. Don’t let him look at me that way, either! Oh, I feel so exposed when he looks at me like that!”
The overstrained nerves in the frail body gave way, and the girl wept like a little child and began to scream. Dick threw open the window, and Torpenhow flung the door back.
The overworked nerves in the fragile body gave in, and the girl cried like a little child and started to scream. Dick threw open the window, and Torpenhow flung the door open.
“There you are,” said Dick, soothingly. “My friend here can call for a policeman, and you can run through that door. Nobody is going to hurt you.”
“There you are,” said Dick, calmly. “My friend here can call the police, and you can escape through that door. No one is going to hurt you.”
The girl sobbed convulsively for a few minutes, and then tried to laugh.
The girl cried hard for a few minutes, then tried to laugh.
“Nothing in the world to hurt you. Now listen to me for a minute. I’m what they call an artist by profession. You know what artists do?”
“Nothing in the world can hurt you. Now listen to me for a minute. I’m what they call a professional artist. Do you know what artists do?”
“They draw the things in red and black ink on the pop-shop labels.”
“They draw the items in red and black ink on the pop shop labels.”
“I dare say. I haven’t risen to pop-shop labels yet. Those are done by the Academicians. I want to draw your head.”
“I'll say. I haven’t gotten to trendy labels yet. Those are created by the Academicians. I want to sketch your portrait.”
“What for?”
"Why?"
“Because it’s pretty. That is why you will come to the room across the landing three times a week at eleven in the morning, and I’ll give you three quid a week just for sitting still and being drawn. And there’s a quid on account.”
“Because it’s beautiful. That’s why you’ll come to the room across the hall three times a week at eleven in the morning, and I’ll pay you three pounds a week just for sitting still and being sketched. And there’s a pound in advance.”
“For nothing? Oh, my!” The girl turned the sovereign in her hand, and with more foolish tears, “Ain’t neither o’ you two gentlemen afraid of my bilking you?”
“For nothing? Oh, wow!” The girl turned the coin in her hand, and with more silly tears, “Aren’t either of you two gentlemen worried about me tricking you?”
“No. Only ugly girls do that. Try and remember this place. And, by the way, what’s your name?”
“No. Only unattractive girls do that. Try to remember this place. And, by the way, what’s your name?”
“I’m Bessie,—Bessie—— It’s no use giving the rest. Bessie Broke,—Stone-broke, if you like. What’s your names? But there,—no one ever gives the real ones.”
“I’m Bessie—Bessie— It’s pointless to give the rest. Bessie Broke—stone broke, if you want. What’s your names? But there—no one ever gives the real ones.”
Dick consulted Torpenhow with his eyes.
Dick looked at Torpenhow for guidance.
“My name’s Heldar, and my friend’s called Torpenhow; and you must be sure to come here. Where do you live?”
“My name’s Heldar, and my friend’s name is Torpenhow; you definitely need to come here. Where do you live?”
“South-the-water,—one room,—five and sixpence a week. Aren’t you making fun of me about that three quid?”
“South-the-water,—one room,—five and sixpence a week. Aren’t you joking with me about that three pounds?”
“You’ll see later on. And, Bessie, next time you come, remember, you needn’t wear that paint. It’s bad for the skin, and I have all the colours you’ll be likely to need.”
“You’ll see later. And, Bessie, next time you come, remember, you don’t need to wear that makeup. It’s bad for your skin, and I have all the colors you’ll probably need.”
Bessie withdrew, scrubbing her cheek with a ragged pocket-handkerchief. The two men looked at each other.
Bessie stepped back, wiping her cheek with a frayed handkerchief. The two men exchanged glances.
“You’re a man,” said Torpenhow.
"You’re a guy," said Torpenhow.
“I’m afraid I’ve been a fool. It isn’t our business to run about the earth reforming Bessie Brokes. And a woman of any kind has no right on this landing.”
“I’m afraid I’ve been a fool. It’s not our job to run around the world trying to fix Bessie Brokes. And any woman has no place on this landing.”
“Perhaps she won’t come back.”
“Maybe she won't come back.”
“She will if she thinks she can get food and warmth here. I know she will, worse luck. But remember, old man, she isn’t a woman; she’s my model; and be careful.”
“She will if she thinks she can find food and warmth here. I know she will, unfortunately. But remember, old man, she isn’t just a woman; she’s my model; and be careful.”
“The idea! She’s a dissolute little scarecrow,—a gutter-snippet and nothing more.”
"The idea! She’s a wild little scarecrow—a street rat and nothing more."
“So you think. Wait till she has been fed a little and freed from fear. That fair type recovers itself very quickly. You won’t know her in a week or two, when that abject fear has died out of her eyes. She’ll be too happy and smiling for my purposes.”
“So you think. Just wait until she’s been fed a bit and feels safe. That beautiful girl bounces back really fast. You won’t recognize her in a week or two, once that terrible fear has faded from her eyes. She’ll be too happy and smiling for what I need.”
“But surely you’re not taking her out of charity?—to please me?”
"But surely you're not taking her out of pity?—just to make me happy?"
“I am not in the habit of playing with hot coals to please anybody. She has been sent from heaven, as I may have remarked before, to help me with my Melancolia.”
“I don't usually play with hot coals to please anyone. She has been sent from heaven, as I might have mentioned before, to help me with my Melancolia.”
“Never heard a word about the lady before.”
“Never heard anything about the woman before.”
“What’s the use of having a friend, if you must sling your notions at him in words? You ought to know what I’m thinking about. You’ve heard me grunt lately?”
“What’s the point of having a friend if you have to spell everything out for them? You should know what I’m thinking. Have you noticed me grunting lately?”
“Even so; but grunts mean anything in your language, from bad “baccy to wicked dealers. And I don’t think I’ve been much in your confidence for some time.”
“Still, grunts can mean a lot in your language, from bad tobacco to shady dealers. And I don’t think I’ve been very open with you for a while.”
“It was a high and soulful grunt. You ought to have understood that it meant the Melancolia.” Dick walked Torpenhow up and down the room, keeping silence. Then he smote him in the ribs, “Now don’t you see it? Bessie’s abject futility, and the terror in her eyes, welded on to one or two details in the way of sorrow that have come under my experience lately. Likewise some orange and black,—two keys of each. But I can’t explain on an empty stomach.”
“It was a deep and heartfelt grunt. You should have realized that it signified the Melancolia.” Dick paced Torpenhow back and forth in the room, staying quiet. Then he jabbed him in the ribs, “Now do you get it? Bessie’s complete helplessness, and the fear in her eyes, combined with a couple of details regarding sorrow that I've experienced recently. Also some orange and black—two of each. But I can’t explain on an empty stomach.”
“It sounds mad enough. You’d better stick to your soldiers, Dick, instead of maundering about heads and eyes and experiences.”
“It sounds crazy enough. You’d better focus on your soldiers, Dick, instead of rambling on about heads and eyes and experiences.”
“Think so?” Dick began to dance on his heels, singing—
“Think so?” Dick started to bounce on his heels, singing—
“They’re as proud as a turkey when they hold the ready cash,
You ought to ’ear the way they laugh an’ joke;
They are tricky an’ they’re funny when they’ve got the ready money,—
Ow! but see ’em when they’re all stone-broke.”
“They’re as proud as a turkey when they’ve got cash in hand,
You should hear the way they laugh and joke;
They’re clever and funny when they have the money,—
Oh! but just look at them when they’re completely broke.”
Then he sat down to pour out his heart to Maisie in a four-sheet letter of counsel and encouragement, and registered an oath that he would get to work with an undivided heart as soon as Bessie should reappear.
Then he sat down to pour out his feelings to Maisie in a four-page letter of advice and support, and swore that he would get to work with full commitment as soon as Bessie came back.
The girl kept her appointment unpainted and unadorned, afraid and overbold by turns. When she found that she was merely expected to sit still, she grew calmer, and criticised the appointments of the studio with freedom and some point. She liked the warmth and the comfort and the release from fear of physical pain. Dick made two or three studies of her head in monochrome, but the actual notion of the Melancolia would not arrive.
The girl arrived for her appointment plain and unembellished, feeling both scared and a bit daring at times. Once she realized she just needed to sit still, she relaxed and openly critiqued the studio's setup with confidence and a bit of sharpness. She appreciated the warmth, comfort, and relief from the worry of physical pain. Dick made a few monochrome sketches of her head, but the true concept of the Melancolia just wouldn’t come to him.
“What a mess you keep your things in!” said Bessie, some days later, when she felt herself thoroughly at home. “I s’pose your clothes are just as bad.
“What a mess you keep your stuff in!” said Bessie, a few days later, when she felt completely at home. “I bet your clothes are just as bad.
Gentlemen never think what buttons and tape are made for.”
“Gentlemen never consider what buttons and tape are for.”
“I buy things to wear, and wear ’em till they go to pieces. I don’t know what Torpenhow does.”
“I buy clothes to wear, and I wear them until they fall apart. I have no idea what Torpenhow does.”
Bessie made diligent inquiry in the latter’s room, and unearthed a bale of disreputable socks. “Some of these I’ll mend now,” she said, “and some I’ll take home. D’you know, I sit all day long at home doing nothing, just like a lady, and no more noticing them other girls in the house than if they was so many flies. I don’t have any unnecessary words, but I put ’em down quick, I can tell you, when they talk to me. No; it’s quite nice these days. I lock my door, and they can only call me names through the keyhole, and I sit inside, just like a lady, mending socks. Mr. Torpenhow wears his socks out both ends at once.”
Bessie searched thoroughly in the other person's room and found a bundle of worn-out socks. “I’ll fix some of these now,” she said, “and I’ll take some home. You know, I sit around all day at home doing nothing, just like a lady, and I barely notice the other girls in the house, like they’re just a bunch of flies. I don’t engage in any unnecessary chatter, but I respond quickly, that’s for sure, when they talk to me. No; it’s pretty nice these days. I lock my door, and they can only insult me through the keyhole, while I stay inside, just like a lady, mending socks. Mr. Torpenhow wears his socks out at both ends.”
“Three quid a week from me, and the delights of my society. No socks mended. Nothing from Torp except a nod on the landing now and again, and all his socks mended. Bessie is very much a woman,” thought Dick; and he looked at her between half-shut eyes. Food and rest had transformed the girl, as Dick knew they would.
“Three bucks a week from me, and the joys of hanging out with me. No socks patched. Nothing from Torp except a nod in the hallway now and then, and all his socks patched. Bessie is definitely a woman,” thought Dick; and he looked at her through half-closed eyes. Food and rest had changed the girl, just as Dick knew they would.
“What are you looking at me like that for?” she said quickly. “Don’t. You look reg’lar bad when you look that way. You don’t think much o’ me, do you?”
“What are you looking at me like that for?” she said quickly. “Don’t. You look really bad when you look that way. You don’t think much of me, do you?”
“That depends on how you behave.”
“That depends on how you act.”
Bessie behaved beautifully. Only it was difficult at the end of a sitting to bid her go out into the gray streets. She very much preferred the studio and a big chair by the stove, with some socks in her lap as an excuse for delay. Then Torpenhow would come in, and Bessie would be moved to tell strange and wonderful stories of her past, and still stranger ones of her present improved circumstances. She would make them tea as though she had a right to make it; and once or twice on these occasions Dick caught Torpenhow’s eyes fixed on the trim little figure, and because Bessie’s flittings about the room made Dick ardently long for Maisie, he realised whither Torpenhow’s thoughts were tending. And Bessie was exceedingly careful of the condition of Torpenhow’s linen. She spoke very little to him, but sometimes they talked together on the landing.
Bessie was really wonderful. The only problem was that at the end of a session, it was hard to get her to leave for the gray streets outside. She much preferred the studio and a comfy chair by the stove, with some socks in her lap as a reason to stay a little longer. Then Torpenhow would come in, and Bessie would excitedly share strange and amazing stories from her past, and even stranger ones about her current life. She would prepare tea as if she had every right to do so; and a few times during these moments, Dick noticed Torpenhow staring at her petite figure, and since Bessie bustling around made Dick yearn for Maisie, he figured out where Torpenhow's thoughts were going. Bessie was extremely mindful of how Torpenhow's clothes looked. She didn’t talk much with him, but sometimes they would chat on the landing.
“I was a great fool,” Dick said to himself. “I know what red firelight looks like when a man’s tramping through a strange town; and ours is a lonely, selfish sort of life at the best. I wonder Maisie doesn’t feel that sometimes. But I can’t order Bessie away. That’s the worst of beginning things. One never knows where they stop.”
“I was such a fool,” Dick said to himself. “I know what red firelight looks like when a guy’s walking through a strange town; and ours is a lonely, selfish kind of life at best. I wonder if Maisie ever feels that way. But I can’t send Bessie away. That’s the trouble with starting things. You never know where they’ll end.”
One evening, after a sitting prolonged to the last limit of the light, Dick was roused from a nap by a broken voice in Torpenhow’s room. He jumped to his feet. “Now what ought I to do? It looks foolish to go in.—Oh, bless you, Binkie!” The little terrier thrust Torpenhow’s door open with his nose and came out to take possession of Dick’s chair. The door swung wide unheeded, and Dick across the landing could see Bessie in the half-light making her little supplication to Torpenhow. She was kneeling by his side, and her hands were clasped across his knee.
One evening, after sitting until the last bit of light had faded, Dick was jolted awake by a shaky voice coming from Torpenhow's room. He quickly got to his feet. “What should I do now? It seems silly to walk in there.—Oh, thank you, Binkie!” The little terrier pushed open Torpenhow's door with his nose and stepped out to claim Dick's chair. The door swung wide open without anyone noticing, and Dick, standing across the landing, could see Bessie in the dim light, making her small plea to Torpenhow. She was kneeling beside him, her hands clasped over his knee.
“I know,—I know,” she said thickly. “’Tisn’t right o’ me to do this, but I can’t help it; and you were so kind,—so kind; and you never took any notice o’ me. And I’ve mended all your things so carefully,—I did. Oh, please, ’tisn’t as if I was asking you to marry me. I wouldn’t think of it.
“I know, I know,” she said with difficulty. “I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t help it; and you were so kind—so kind; and you never paid any attention to me. And I’ve fixed all your things so carefully, I did. Oh, please, it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me. I wouldn’t even consider it.”
But you—couldn’t you take and live with me till Miss Right comes along? I’m only Miss Wrong, I know, but I’d work my hands to the bare bone for you. And I’m not ugly to look at. Say you will!”
But you—can’t you just stay and live with me until Miss Right shows up? I know I’m just Miss Wrong, but I’d work myself to the bone for you. And I’m not hard to look at. Please say you will!”
Dick hardly recognised Torpenhow’s voice in reply—“But look here. It’s no use. I’m liable to be ordered off anywhere at a minute’s notice if a war breaks out. At a minute’s notice—dear.”
Dick barely recognized Torpenhow's voice responding, “But listen. It’s pointless. I could be sent off anywhere at a moment's notice if a war starts. At a moment's notice—seriously.”
“What does that matter? Until you go, then. Until you go. ’Tisn’t much I’m asking, and—you don’t know how good I can cook.” She had put an arm round his neck and was drawing his head down.
“What does that matter? Just go, then. Just go. I’m not asking for much, and—you have no idea how great I can cook.” She wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled his head down.
“Until—I—go, then.”
“Until I go, then.”
“Torp,” said Dick, across the landing. He could hardly steady his voice.
“Torp,” said Dick, from across the landing. He could barely control his voice.
“Come here a minute, old man. I’m in trouble’—“Heaven send he’ll listen to me!” There was something very like an oath from Bessie’s lips. She was afraid of Dick, and disappeared down the staircase in panic, but it seemed an age before Torpenhow entered the studio. He went to the mantelpiece, buried his head on his arms, and groaned like a wounded bull.
“Come here for a second, old man. I’m in trouble”—“Please let him listen to me!” Bessie cursed under her breath. She was scared of Dick and rushed down the stairs in a panic, but it felt like forever before Torpenhow came into the studio. He walked over to the mantelpiece, buried his head in his arms, and groaned like a wounded animal.
“What the devil right have you to interfere?” he said, at last.
“What right do you have to interfere?” he said finally.
“Who’s interfering with which? Your own sense told you long ago you couldn’t be such a fool. It was a tough rack, St. Anthony, but you’re all right now.”
“Who’s getting in the way of what? Your instincts told you a long time ago that you couldn’t be that foolish. It was a hard situation, St. Anthony, but you’re fine now.”
“I oughtn’t to have seen her moving about these rooms as if they belonged to her. That’s what upset me. It gives a lonely man a sort of hankering, doesn’t it?” said Torpenhow, piteously.
“I shouldn't have seen her moving around these rooms like they were hers. That’s what bothered me. It makes a lonely guy feel a certain longing, doesn’t it?” said Torpenhow, sadly.
“Now you talk sense. It does. But, since you aren’t in a condition to discuss the disadvantages of double housekeeping, do you know what you’re going to do?”
“Now you're making sense. It does. But, since you're not in a position to talk about the downsides of managing two households, do you know what you're planning to do?”
“I don’t. I wish I did.”
“I don’t. I wish I did.”
“You’re going away for a season on a brilliant tour to regain tone. You’re going to Brighton, or Scarborough, or Prawle Point, to see the ships go by. And you’re going at once. Isn’t it odd? I’ll take care of Binkie, but out you go immediately. Never resist the devil. He holds the bank. Fly from him. Pack your things and go.”
“You're taking off for a bit on an amazing trip to get back in shape. You're heading to Brighton, Scarborough, or Prawle Point to watch the ships sail by. And you're leaving right away. Isn't that strange? I'll look after Binkie, but you need to leave now. Never fight temptation. It has the upper hand. Run from it. Pack your stuff and go.”
“I believe you’re right. Where shall I go?”
“I think you’re right. Where should I go?”
“And you call yourself a special correspondent! Pack first and inquire afterwards.”
“And you call yourself a special correspondent! Pack up first and ask questions later.”
An hour later Torpenhow was despatched into the night for a hansom.
An hour later, Torpenhow was sent out into the night to get a cab.
“You’ll probably think of some place to go to while you’re moving,” said Dick. “On to Euston, to begin with, and—oh yes—get drunk to-night.”
"You'll probably think of somewhere to go while you're on the move," said Dick. "First to Euston, and—oh yeah—let's get drunk tonight."
He returned to the studio, and lighted more candles, for he found the room very dark.
He went back to the studio and lit more candles because he thought the room was really dark.
“Oh, you Jezebel! you futile little Jezebel! Won’t you hate me to-morrow!—Binkie, come here.”
“Oh, you Jezebel! You pointless little Jezebel! Won’t you hate me tomorrow!—Binkie, come here.”
Binkie turned over on his back on the hearth-rug, and Dick stirred him with a meditative foot.
Binkie rolled onto his back on the living room rug, and Dick nudged him thoughtfully with his foot.
“I said she was not immoral. I was wrong. She said she could cook. That showed premeditated sin. Oh, Binkie, if you are a man you will go to perdition; but if you are a woman, and say that you can cook, you will go to a much worse place.”
“I said she wasn’t immoral. I was wrong. She claimed she could cook. That showed intentional wrongdoing. Oh, Binkie, if you’re a man, you’ll end up in hell; but if you’re a woman and say you can cook, you’ll end up in a much worse place.”
CHAPTER X
What’s you that follows at my side?—
The foe that ye must fight, my lord.—
That hirples swift as I can ride?—
The shadow of the night, my lord.—
Then wheel my horse against the foe!—
He’s down and overpast, my lord.
Ye war against the sunset glow;
The darkness gathers fast, my lord.
—The Fight of Heriot’s Ford.
What’s that following beside me?—
The enemy you must battle, my lord.—
That moves as quickly as I can ride?—
The shadow of the night, my lord.—
Then turn my horse towards the enemy!—
He’s fallen and gone past, my lord.
You’re fighting against the sunset;
The darkness is closing in fast, my lord.
—The Fight of Heriot’s Ford.
“This is a cheerful life,” said Dick, some days later. “Torp’s away; Bessie hates me; I can’t get at the notion of the Melancolia; Maisie’s letters are scrappy; and I believe I have indigestion. What give a man pains across the head and spots before his eyes, Binkie? Shall us take some liver pills?”
“This is a great life,” said Dick a few days later. “Torp's gone; Bessie can't stand me; I can't figure out Melancolia; Maisie's letters are all over the place; and I think I have indigestion. What causes those headaches and spots before my eyes, Binkie? Should we take some liver pills?”
Dick had just gone through a lively scene with Bessie. She had for the fiftieth time reproached him for sending Torpenhow away. She explained her enduring hatred for Dick, and made it clear to him that she only sat for the sake of his money. “And Mr. Torpenhow’s ten times a better man than you,” she concluded.
Dick had just been through a heated argument with Bessie. For the fiftieth time, she criticized him for sending Torpenhow away. She expressed her ongoing hatred for Dick and made it clear that she only put up with him for his money. “And Mr. Torpenhow is ten times the man you are,” she concluded.
“He is. That’s why he went away. I should have stayed and made love to you.”
“He is. That’s why he left. I should have stayed and made love to you.”
The girl sat with her chin on her hand, scowling. “To me! I’d like to catch you! If I wasn’t afraid o’ being hung I’d kill you. That’s what I’d do.
The girl sat with her chin on her hand, frowning. “You! I’d love to catch you! If I wasn’t afraid of being hanged, I’d kill you. That’s what I’d do.
D’you believe me?”
"Do you believe me?"
Dick smiled wearily. It is not pleasant to live in the company of a notion that will not work out, a fox-terrier that cannot talk, and a woman who talks too much. He would have answered, but at that moment there unrolled itself from one corner of the studio a veil, as it were, of the flimsiest gauze. He rubbed his eyes, but the gray haze would not go.
Dick smiled tiredly. It's not enjoyable to live with an idea that won't pan out, a fox-terrier that can't speak, and a woman who won't stop talking. He would have responded, but just then, a sheer veil of the thinnest gauze unfurled from one corner of the studio. He rubbed his eyes, but the gray mist wouldn’t disappear.
“This is disgraceful indigestion. Binkie, we will go to a medicine-man. We can’t have our eyes interfered with, for by these we get our bread; also mutton-chop bones for little dogs.”
“This is terrible indigestion. Binkie, we need to see a doctor. We can’t have our eyesight messed up, because that’s how we make our living; also, we need mutton chop bones for the little dogs.”
The doctor was an affable local practitioner with white hair, and he said nothing till Dick began to describe the gray film in the studio.
The doctor was a friendly local practitioner with white hair, and he said nothing until Dick started to describe the gray film in the studio.
“We all want a little patching and repairing from time to time,” he chirped. “Like a ship, my dear sir,—exactly like a ship. Sometimes the hull is out of order, and we consult the surgeon; sometimes the rigging, and then I advise; sometimes the engines, and we go to the brain-specialist; sometimes the look-out on the bridge is tired, and then we see an oculist. I should recommend you to see an oculist. A little patching and repairing from time to time is all we want. An oculist, by all means.”
“We all need some fixing up every now and then,” he said cheerfully. “Like a ship, my dear sir—just like a ship. Sometimes the hull needs attention, and we consult a surgeon; sometimes it’s the rigging, and then I give advice; sometimes the engines, and we go to a brain specialist; sometimes the lookout on the bridge is worn out, and then we see an eye doctor. I suggest you see an eye doctor. A little fixing up every now and then is all we really need. Definitely see an eye doctor.”
Dick sought an oculist,—the best in London. He was certain that the local practitioner did not know anything about his trade, and more certain that Maisie would laugh at him if he were forced to wear spectacles.
Dick looked for an eye doctor—the best one in London. He was sure that the local doctor didn't know much about his field, and even more sure that Maisie would laugh at him if he had to wear glasses.
“I’ve neglected the warnings of my lord the stomach too long. Hence these spots before the eyes, Binkie. I can see as well as I ever could.”
“I’ve ignored the warnings from my stomach for too long. That’s why I have these spots in front of my eyes, Binkie. I can see just as well as I ever could.”
As he entered the dark hall that led to the consulting-room a man cannoned against him. Dick saw the face as it hurried out into the street.
As he walked into the dark hallway that led to the consulting room, a man collided with him. Dick caught a glimpse of the man's face as he rushed out onto the street.
“That’s the writer-type. He has the same modelling of the forehead as Torp. He looks very sick. Probably heard something he didn’t like.”
“That’s the writer type. He has the same forehead shape as Torp. He looks really unwell. Probably heard something he didn’t want to hear.”
Even as he thought, a great fear came upon Dick, a fear that made him hold his breath as he walked into the oculist’s waiting room, with the heavy carved furniture, the dark-green paper, and the sober-hued prints on the wall. He recognised a reproduction of one of his own sketches.
Even as he thought, a deep fear washed over Dick, a fear that made him hold his breath as he walked into the eye doctor's waiting room, with the heavy, carved furniture, the dark green wallpaper, and the muted prints on the walls. He recognized a copy of one of his own sketches.
Many people were waiting their turn before him. His eye was caught by a flaming red-and-gold Christmas-carol book. Little children came to that eye-doctor, and they needed large-type amusement.
Many people were waiting for their turn in front of him. His attention was drawn to a bright red-and-gold Christmas carol book. Little kids came to that eye doctor, and they needed entertainment in large print.
“That’s idolatrous bad Art,” he said, drawing the book towards himself.
“That’s just bad art that worships false idols,” he said, pulling the book closer to himself.
“From the anatomy of the angels, it has been made in Germany.” He opened in mechanically, and there leaped to his eyes a verse printed in red ink—
“From the anatomy of the angels, it has been made in Germany.” He opened it mechanically, and a verse printed in red ink jumped out at him—
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of three,
To see her good Son Jesus Christ
Making the blind to see;
Making the blind to see, good Lord,
And happy we may be.
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
To all eternity!
The next great joy that Mary had,
Was the joy of three,
Seeing her good Son Jesus Christ
Making the blind see;
Making the blind see, good Lord,
And we can be happy.
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
For all eternity!
Dick read and re-read the verse till his turn came, and the doctor was bending above him seated in an arm-chair. The blaze of the gas-microscope in his eyes made him wince. The doctor’s hand touched the scar of the sword-cut on Dick’s head, and Dick explained briefly how he had come by it. When the flame was removed, Dick saw the doctor’s face, and the fear came upon him again. The doctor wrapped himself in a mist of words. Dick caught allusions to “scar,” “frontal bone,” “optic nerve,” “extreme caution,” and the “avoidance of mental anxiety.”
Dick read and re-read the verse until it was his turn, and the doctor was leaning over him while sitting in an armchair. The bright light from the gas microscope hurt his eyes. The doctor’s hand brushed the scar from the sword cut on Dick’s head, and Dick briefly explained how he got it. When the light was taken away, Dick saw the doctor’s face, and fear washed over him again. The doctor wrapped himself in a fog of words. Dick picked up references to “scar,” “frontal bone,” “optic nerve,” “extreme caution,” and the “avoidance of mental anxiety.”
“Verdict?” he said faintly. “My business is painting, and I daren’t waste time. What do you make of it?”
“Verdict?” he said weakly. “My job is painting, and I can't afford to waste time. What do you think?”
Again the whirl of words, but this time they conveyed a meaning.
Again the flow of words, but this time they carried a meaning.
“Can you give me anything to drink?”
“Can you get me something to drink?”
Many sentences were pronounced in that darkened room, and the prisoners often needed cheering. Dick found a glass of liqueur brandy in his hand.
Many sentences were given in that dimly lit room, and the prisoners frequently needed encouragement. Dick found a glass of brandy liqueur in his hand.
“As far as I can gather,” he said, coughing above the spirit, “you call it decay of the optic nerve, or something, and therefore hopeless. What is my time-limit, avoiding all strain and worry?”
“As far as I can tell,” he said, coughing over the drink, “you refer to it as degeneration of the optic nerve, or something like that, and so it's considered hopeless. What’s my time limit, as long as I avoid any stress and worry?”
“Perhaps one year.”
"Maybe a year."
“My God! And if I don’t take care of myself?”
"My God! What if I don't take care of myself?"
“I really could not say. One cannot ascertain the exact amount of injury inflicted by the sword-cut. The scar is an old one, and—exposure to the strong light of the desert, did you say?—with excessive application to fine work? I really could not say?”
“I honestly can’t say. You can’t determine the exact extent of the injury caused by the sword cut. The scar is old, and—exposure to the harsh light of the desert, you said?—with too much focus on delicate tasks? I really can’t say?”
“I beg your pardon, but it has come without any warning. If you will let me, I’ll sit here for a minute, and then I’ll go. You have been very good in telling me the truth. Without any warning; without any warning.
"I’m sorry, but this happened out of the blue. If you don’t mind, I’ll sit here for a minute and then I’ll leave. You’ve been very honest with me. Out of the blue; out of the blue."
Thanks.”
Thanks.
Dick went into the street, and was rapturously received by Binkie.
Dick stepped into the street, and Binkie welcomed him with excitement.
“We’ve got it very badly, little dog! Just as badly as we can get it. We’ll go to the Park to think it out.”
“We’re in big trouble, little dog! Just as much trouble as we can be. Let’s head to the Park to figure it out.”
They headed for a certain tree that Dick knew well, and they sat down to think, because his legs were trembling under him and there was cold fear at the pit of his stomach.
They made their way to a tree that Dick was familiar with, and they sat down to think, as his legs were shaking beneath him and a cold fear settled in the pit of his stomach.
“How could it have come without any warning? It’s as sudden as being shot. It’s the living death, Binkie. We’re to be shut up in the dark in one year if we’re careful, and we shan’t see anybody, and we shall never have anything we want, not though we live to be a hundred!” Binkie wagged his tail joyously. “Binkie, we must think. Let’s see how it feels to be blind.” Dick shut his eyes, and flaming commas and Catherine-wheels floated inside the lids. Yet when he looked across the Park the scope of his vision was not contracted. He could see perfectly, until a procession of slow-wheeling fireworks defiled across his eyeballs.
“How could it have happened without any warning? It’s as sudden as being shot. It’s living death, Binkie. We’re going to be stuck in the dark in a year if we’re careful, and we won’t see anyone, and we’ll never have anything we want, even if we live to be a hundred!” Binkie wagged his tail happily. “Binkie, we need to think. Let’s see what it’s like to be blind.” Dick shut his eyes, and bright bursts and spinning fireworks floated behind his eyelids. But when he looked across the park, his vision wasn’t limited. He could see perfectly until a parade of slow-moving fireworks danced across his eyes.
“Little dorglums, we aren’t at all well. Let’s go home. If only Torp were back, now!”
“Little dorglums, we’re not doing well at all. Let’s head home. I wish Torp were back right now!”
But Torpenhow was in the south of England, inspecting dockyards in the company of the Nilghai. His letters were brief and full of mystery.
But Torpenhow was in the south of England, checking out dockyards with the Nilghai. His letters were short and packed with intrigue.
Dick had never asked anybody to help him in his joys or his sorrows. He argued, in the loneliness of his studio, henceforward to be decorated with a film of gray gauze in one corner, that, if his fate were blindness, all the Torpenhows in the world could not save him. “I can’t call him off his trip to sit down and sympathise with me. I must pull through this business alone,” he said. He was lying on the sofa, eating his moustache and wondering what the darkness of the night would be like. Then came to his mind the memory of a quaint scene in the Soudan. A soldier had been nearly hacked in two by a broad-bladed Arab spear. For one instant the man felt no pain. Looking down, he saw that his life-blood was going from him. The stupid bewilderment on his face was so intensely comic that both Dick and Torpenhow, still panting and unstrung from a fight for life, had roared with laughter, in which the man seemed as if he would join, but, as his lips parted in a sheepish grin, the agony of death came upon him, and he pitched grunting at their feet. Dick laughed again, remembering the horror. It seemed so exactly like his own case.
Dick had never asked anyone for help with his joys or his sorrows. He reasoned, in the solitude of his studio—which would now have a piece of gray gauze hanging in one corner—that if his fate was blindness, no amount of help from the Torpenhows would make a difference. “I can't interrupt his trip to sit down and sympathize with me. I have to get through this on my own,” he said. He was lying on the sofa, chewing on his mustache and wondering what the darkness of the night would feel like. Then he remembered a strange scene from the Soudan. A soldier had nearly been cut in half by a broad-bladed Arab spear. For a brief moment, the man felt no pain. Looking down, he noticed his blood pouring out. The bewildered expression on his face was so hilariously absurd that both Dick and Torpenhow, still breathless and shaken from a fight for survival, burst into laughter. The soldier seemed like he would laugh too, but as he tried to smile, the pain of death washed over him, and he collapsed at their feet. Dick chuckled again, thinking of the horror. It felt so much like his own situation.
“But I have a little more time allowed me,” he said. He paced up and down the room, quietly at first, but afterwards with the hurried feet of fear. It was as though a black shadow stood at his elbow and urged him to go forward; and there were only weaving circles and floating pin-dots before his eyes.
“But I have a bit more time,” he said. He walked back and forth in the room, first calmly, but soon with hurried steps fueled by fear. It felt like a dark shadow was at his side, pushing him to move ahead; all he could see were swirling patterns and flickering dots.
“We need to be calm, Binkie; we must be calm.” He talked aloud for the sake of distraction. “This isn’t nice at all. What shall we do? We must do something. Our time is short. I shouldn’t have believed that this morning; but now things are different. Binkie, where was Moses when the light went out?”
“We need to stay calm, Binkie; we have to stay calm.” He spoke out loud to distract himself. “This isn’t good at all. What should we do? We have to do something. Our time is running out. I shouldn’t have believed that this morning; but now everything has changed. Binkie, where was Moses when the light went out?”
Binkie smiled from ear to ear, as a well-bred terrier should, but made no suggestion.
Binkie smiled widely, just like a well-behaved terrier should, but didn’t make any suggestions.
““Were there but world enough and time, This coyness, Binkie, were not crime.... But at my back I always hear——“’ He wiped his forehead, which was unpleasantly damp. “What can I do? What can I do? I haven’t any notions left, and I can’t think connectedly, but I must do something, or I shall go off my head.”
““If only we had enough time and space, this shyness, Binkie, wouldn’t be a problem.... But I always feel a pressure at my back——” He wiped his sweaty forehead. “What can I do? What can I do? I’m out of ideas, and I can’t think clearly, but I have to do something, or I’m going to lose it.””
The hurried walk recommenced, Dick stopping every now and again to drag forth long-neglected canvases and old note-books; for he turned to his work by instinct, as a thing that could not fail. “You won’t do, and you won’t do,” he said, at each inspection. “No more soldiers. I couldn’t paint ’em. Sudden death comes home too nearly, and this is battle and murder for me.”
The quick walk started up again, with Dick pausing now and then to pull out old canvases and notebooks that had been ignored for a long time; he instinctively returned to his work, believing it was something he couldn't fail at. “You won’t work, and you won’t work,” he said during each look. “No more soldiers. I can’t paint them. Sudden death feels too real, and this is all about battle and murder for me.”
The day was failing, and Dick thought for a moment that the twilight of the blind had come upon him unaware. “Allah Almighty!” he cried despairingly, “help me through the time of waiting, and I won’t whine when my punishment comes. What can I do now, before the light goes?”
The day was ending, and Dick briefly thought that darkness had crept up on him without him realizing it. “God Almighty!” he exclaimed in despair, “help me get through this waiting time, and I won’t complain when my punishment arrives. What can I do now, before it gets dark?”
There was no answer. Dick waited till he could regain some sort of control over himself. His hands were shaking, and he prided himself on their steadiness; he could feel that his lips were quivering, and the sweat was running down his face. He was lashed by fear, driven forward by the desire to get to work at once and accomplish something, and maddened by the refusal of his brain to do more than repeat the news that he was about to go blind. “It’s a humiliating exhibition,” he thought, “and I’m glad Torp isn’t here to see. The doctor said I was to avoid mental worry.
There was no reply. Dick waited until he could regain some control over himself. His hands were shaking, and he took pride in their steadiness; he could feel his lips quivering, and sweat was running down his face. He was overwhelmed by fear, pushed forward by the need to get to work right away and achieve something, and frustrated by his mind’s refusal to do anything but repeat the news that he was about to go blind. “This is such a humiliating situation,” he thought, “and I’m glad Torp isn’t here to witness it. The doctor said I should avoid stressing out.”
Come here and let me pet you, Binkie.”
Come here and let me pet you, Binkie.”
The little dog yelped because Dick nearly squeezed the bark out of him.
The little dog yelped because Dick almost squished the bark out of him.
Then he heard the man speaking in the twilight, and, doglike, understood that his trouble stood off from him—“Allah is good, Binkie. Not quite so gentle as we could wish, but we’ll discuss that later. I think I see my way to it now. All those studies of Bessie’s head were nonsense, and they nearly brought your master into a scrape. I hold the notion now as clear as crystal,—“the Melancolia that transcends all wit.” There shall be Maisie in that head, because I shall never get Maisie; and Bess, of course, because she knows all about Melancolia, though she doesn’t know she knows; and there shall be some drawing in it, and it shall all end up with a laugh. That’s for myself. Shall she giggle or grin? No, she shall laugh right out of the canvas, and every man and woman that ever had a sorrow of their own shall—what is it the poem says?—
Then he heard the man speaking in the twilight and, almost instinctively, understood that his troubles were separate from him—“Allah is good, Binkie. Not as gentle as we’d like, but we can talk about that later. I think I see my way forward now. All those studies of Bessie’s head were nonsense and almost got your master into trouble. I have the idea now as clear as day—‘the Melancolia that transcends all wit.’ There will be Maisie in that head because I’ll never get Maisie; and Bess, of course, because she knows all about Melancolia, even if she doesn’t realize it; and there will be some drawing in it, and it will all end with a laugh. That’s for me. Should she giggle or grin? No, she should laugh right out of the canvas, and every man and woman who ever had their own sorrow shall—what is it the poem says?—
“Understand the speech and feel a stir
Of fellowship in all disastrous fight.
“Get the message and feel a sense of
Connection in every challenging battle.”
“In all disastrous fight”? That’s better than painting the thing merely to pique Maisie. I can do it now because I have it inside me. Binkie, I’m going to hold you up by your tail. You’re an omen. Come here.”
“In all disastrous fight”? That’s better than just doing it to annoy Maisie. I can do it now because it’s inside me. Binkie, I’m going to lift you by your tail. You’re a sign. Come here.”
Binkie swung head downward for a moment without speaking.
Binkie hung upside down for a moment without saying anything.
“Rather like holding a guinea-pig; but you’re a brave little dog, and you don’t yelp when you’re hung up. It is an omen.”
“It's kind of like holding a guinea pig; but you’re a brave little dog, and you don’t whimper when you’re stuck. It’s a sign.”
Binkie went to his own chair, and as often as he looked saw Dick walking up and down, rubbing his hands and chuckling. That night Dick wrote a letter to Maisie full of the tenderest regard for her health, but saying very little about his own, and dreamed of the Melancolia to be born. Not till morning did he remember that something might happen to him in the future.
Binkie went to his chair, and every time he looked, he saw Dick pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands and chuckling. That night, Dick wrote a letter to Maisie expressing his deep concern for her health, but he said very little about his own, and he dreamed of the Melancolia that was about to come. It wasn't until morning that he remembered that something might happen to him in the future.
He fell to work, whistling softly, and was swallowed up in the clean, clear joy of creation, which does not come to man too often, lest he should consider himself the equal of his God, and so refuse to die at the appointed time. He forgot Maisie, Torpenhow, and Binkie at his feet, but remembered to stir Bessie, who needed very little stirring, into a tremendous rage, that he might watch the smouldering lights in her eyes.
He got to work, humming quietly, and was consumed by the pure, clear joy of creating, which doesn't come to people too often, so they don’t start thinking they're equal to God and refuse to die when it’s their time. He forgot about Maisie, Torpenhow, and Binkie at his feet, but he remembered to provoke Bessie, who needed very little prompting, into a huge rage so he could see the smoldering sparks in her eyes.
He threw himself without reservation into his work, and did not think of the doom that was to overtake him, for he was possessed with his notion, and the things of this world had no power upon him.
He fully dedicated himself to his work, not considering the doom that awaited him, as he was consumed by his idea, and the matters of this world had no influence over him.
“You’re pleased to-day,” said Bessie.
"You’re happy today," said Bessie.
Dick waved his mahl-stick in mystic circles and went to the sideboard for a drink. In the evening, when the exaltation of the day had died down, he went to the sideboard again, and after some visits became convinced that the eye-doctor was a liar, since he could still see everything very clearly.
Dick waved his mahl-stick in strange circles and went to the bar for a drink. In the evening, when the excitement of the day had faded, he went to the bar again, and after several trips, he became convinced that the eye doctor was a liar, since he could still see everything very clearly.
He was of opinion that he would even make a home for Maisie, and that whether she liked it or not she should be his wife. The mood passed next morning, but the sideboard and all upon it remained for his comfort.
He believed he could even create a home for Maisie, and that whether she liked it or not, she would be his wife. The feeling faded by the next morning, but the sideboard and everything on it stayed for his comfort.
Again he set to work, and his eyes troubled him with spots and dashes and blurs till he had taken counsel with the sideboard, and the Melancolia both on the canvas and in his own mind appeared lovelier than ever. There was a delightful sense of irresponsibility upon him, such as they feel who walking among their fellow-men know that the death-sentence of disease is upon them, and, seeing that fear is but waste of the little time left, are riotously happy. The days passed without event.
Again he got to work, and his eyes were troubled by spots, dashes, and blurs until he consulted the sideboard, and the Melancolia both on the canvas and in his mind looked more beautiful than ever. A wonderful feeling of irresponsibility washed over him, like those who, while walking among others, know that they have a terminal illness and, realizing that fear is just a waste of the little time they have left, are wildly happy. The days went by without much happening.
Bessie arrived punctually always, and, though her voice seemed to Dick to come from a distance, her face was always very near. The Melancolia began to flame on the canvas, in the likeness of a woman who had known all the sorrow in the world and was laughing at it. It was true that the corners of the studio draped themselves in gray film and retired into the darkness, that the spots in his eyes and the pains across his head were very troublesome, and that Maisie’s letters were hard to read and harder still to answer. He could not tell her of his trouble, and he could not laugh at her accounts of her own Melancolia which was always going to be finished. But the furious days of toil and the nights of wild dreams made amends for all, and the sideboard was his best friend on earth.
Bessie always arrived right on time, and even though her voice seemed to come from far away to Dick, her face was always very close. The Melancolia started to come alive on the canvas, resembling a woman who had experienced all the sorrow in the world and was laughing at it. It was true that the corners of the studio were wrapped in a gray haze and faded into darkness, that the spots in his vision and the pain in his head were really bothersome, and that reading and responding to Maisie’s letters was a struggle. He couldn’t share his troubles with her, and he couldn’t find the humor in her stories of her own Melancolia that was always “almost” finished. But the intense days of hard work and the nights filled with wild dreams made up for everything, and the sideboard was his best friend on earth.
Bessie was singularly dull. She used to shriek with rage when Dick stared at her between half-closed eyes. Now she sulked, or watched him with disgust, saying very little.
Bessie was remarkably boring. She would scream in anger whenever Dick looked at her with half-closed eyes. Now, she either sulked or watched him with disdain, speaking very little.
Torpenhow had been absent for six weeks. An incoherent note heralded his return. “News! great news!” he wrote. “The Nilghai knows, and so does the Keneu. We’re all back on Thursday. Get lunch and clean your accoutrements.”
Torpenhow had been gone for six weeks. A confusing note announced his return. “Good news! Really good news!” he wrote. “The Nilghai knows, and so does the Keneu. We’re all coming back on Thursday. Prepare lunch and tidy up your gear.”
Dick showed Bessie the letter, and she abused him for that he had ever sent Torpenhow away and ruined her life.
Dick showed Bessie the letter, and she scolded him for ever sending Torpenhow away and ruining her life.
“Well,” said Dick, brutally, “you’re better as you are, instead of making love to some drunken beast in the street.” He felt that he had rescued Torpenhow from great temptation.
“Well,” said Dick, harshly, “you’re better off as you are, instead of flirting with some drunk guy in the street.” He believed he had saved Torpenhow from a serious temptation.
“I don’t know if that’s any worse than sitting to a drunken beast in a studio. You haven’t been sober for three weeks. You’ve been soaking the whole time; and yet you pretend you’re better than me!”
“I don’t know if that’s any worse than sitting with a drunken beast in a studio. You haven’t been sober for three weeks. You’ve been drinking the whole time; and yet you act like you’re better than me!”
“What d’you mean?” said Dick.
“What do you mean?” said Dick.
“Mean! You’ll see when Mr. Torpenhow comes back.”
“Rude! You’ll see when Mr. Torpenhow gets back.”
It was not long to wait. Torpenhow met Bessie on the staircase without a sign of feeling. He had news that was more to him than many Bessies, and the Keneu and the Nilghai were trampling behind him, calling for Dick.
It wasn't long before he saw her. Torpenhow ran into Bessie on the stairs without showing any emotion. He had news that mattered more to him than many Bessies, and the Keneu and the Nilghai were right behind him, calling for Dick.
“Drinking like a fish,” Bessie whispered. “He’s been at it for nearly a month.” She followed the men stealthily to hear judgment done.
“Drinking like crazy,” Bessie whispered. “He’s been at it for almost a month.” She followed the men quietly to hear the verdict.
They came into the studio, rejoicing, to be welcomed over effusively by a drawn, lined, shrunken, haggard wreck,—unshaven, blue-white about the nostrils, stooping in the shoulders, and peering under his eyebrows nervously. The drink had been at work as steadily as Dick.
They walked into the studio, celebrating, to be greeted enthusiastically by a worn-out, lined, shrunken, haggard figure—unshaven, pale around the nostrils, slouched shoulders, and nervously peering from under his eyebrows. The alcohol had been affecting him as consistently as Dick.
“Is this you?” said Torpenhow.
“Is this you?” asked Torpenhow.
“All that’s left of me. Sit down. Binkie’s quite well, and I’ve been doing some good work.” He reeled where he stood.
“All that’s left of me. Sit down. Binkie’s doing well, and I’ve been doing some good work.” He swayed where he stood.
“You’ve done some of the worst work you’ve ever done in your life. Man alive, you’re——”
“You’ve done some of the worst work you’ve ever done in your life. Man alive, you’re——”
Torpenhow turned to his companions appealingly, and they left the room to find lunch elsewhere. Then he spoke; but, since the reproof of a friend is much too sacred and intimate a thing to be printed, and since Torpenhow used figures and metaphors which were unseemly, and contempt untranslatable, it will never be known what was actually said to Dick, who blinked and winked and picked at his hands. After a time the culprit began to feel the need of a little self-respect. He was quite sure that he had not in any way departed from virtue, and there were reasons, too, of which Torpenhow knew nothing. He would explain.
Torpenhow turned to his friends with a hopeful look, and they left the room to grab lunch somewhere else. Then he spoke; however, since a friend’s criticism is too personal and sacred to be shared, and since Torpenhow used crude analogies and untranslatable disdain, what was actually said to Dick will never be known. Dick blinked, winked, and fidgeted with his hands. After a while, the guilty one started to feel the need for some self-respect. He was quite sure that he hadn’t strayed from what was right, and there were reasons that Torpenhow didn’t know about. He wanted to explain.
He rose, tried to straighten his shoulders, and spoke to the face he could hardly see.
He stood up, attempted to straighten his shoulders, and spoke to the face he could barely see.
“You are right,” he said. “But I am right, too. After you went away I had some trouble with my eyes. So I went to an oculist, and he turned a gasogene—I mean a gas-engine—into my eye. That was very long ago. He said, “Scar on the head,—sword-cut and optic nerve.” Make a note of that. So I am going blind. I have some work to do before I go blind, and I suppose that I must do it. I cannot see much now, but I can see best when I am drunk. I did not know I was drunk till I was told, but I must go on with my work. If you want to see it, there it is.” He pointed to the all but finished Melancolia and looked for applause.
“You're right,” he said. “But I'm right too. After you left, I had some problems with my eyes. So I went to an eye doctor, and he went ahead and turned a gas engine into my eye. That was a long time ago. He noted, ‘Scar on the head—sword cut and optic nerve.’ Make a note of that. So I'm going blind. I have some work to finish before that happens, and I guess I have to do it. I can't see much now, but I see best when I'm drunk. I didn't realize I was drunk until someone told me, but I need to keep working. If you want to see it, there it is.” He pointed to the almost finished Melancolia and looked for applause.
Torpenhow said nothing, and Dick began to whimper feebly, for joy at seeing Torpenhow again, for grief at misdeeds—if indeed they were misdeeds—that made Torpenhow remote and unsympathetic, and for childish vanity hurt, since Torpenhow had not given a word of praise to his wonderful picture.
Torpenhow said nothing, and Dick started to whine softly, feeling both happy to see Torpenhow again and sad about his mistakes—if they really were mistakes—that made Torpenhow seem distant and unsupportive. He also felt hurt by a childish need for validation since Torpenhow hadn’t said a single word of praise for his amazing painting.
Bessie looked through the keyhole after a long pause, and saw the two walking up and down as usual, Torpenhow’s hand on Dick’s shoulder.
Bessie peeked through the keyhole after a long pause and saw the two pacing back and forth as usual, Torpenhow’s hand on Dick’s shoulder.
Hereat she said something so improper that it shocked even Binkie, who was dribbling patiently on the landing with the hope of seeing his master again.
Here she said something so inappropriate that it even shocked Binkie, who was waiting patiently on the landing, hoping to see his owner again.
CHAPTER XI
The lark will make her hymn to God,
The partridge call her brood,
While I forget the heath I trod,
The fields wherein I stood.
’Tis dule to know not night from morn,
But deeper dule to know
I can but hear the hunter’s horn
That once I used to blow.
—The Only Son.
The lark will sing her song to God,
The partridge will call her chicks,
While I forget the heath I walked,
The fields where I stood.
It’s sad not to know night from morning,
But even sadder to realize
I can only hear the hunter’s horn
That I used to blow.
—The Only Son.
It was the third day after Torpenhow’s return, and his heart was heavy.
It was the third day after Torpenhow's return, and he felt weighed down.
“Do you mean to tell me that you can’t see to work without whiskey? It’s generally the other way about.”
“Are you seriously saying that you can’t work without whiskey? Usually, it’s the opposite.”
“Can a drunkard swear on his honour?” said Dick.
“Can a drunk person swear on their honor?” said Dick.
“Yes, if he has been as good a man as you.”
“Yes, if he has been as good a person as you.”
“Then I give you my word of honour,” said Dick, speaking hurriedly through parched lips. “Old man, I can hardly see your face now. You’ve kept me sober for two days,—if I ever was drunk,—and I’ve done no work.
“Then I promise you on my honor,” Dick said quickly, his lips dry. “Old man, I can barely make out your face now. You’ve kept me sober for two days—if I was ever really drunk—and I haven’t done any work.”
Don’t keep me back any more. I don’t know when my eyes may give out.
Don’t hold me back any longer. I don’t know when my vision might fail.
The spots and dots and the pains and things are crowding worse than ever. I swear I can see all right when I’m—when I’m moderately screwed, as you say. Give me three more sittings from Bessie and all—the stuff I want, and the picture will be done. I can’t kill myself in three days. It only means a touch of D. T. at the worst.”
The spots and dots and the aches and pains are piling up worse than ever. I swear I can see just fine when I'm—when I'm moderately tipsy, as you put it. Just give me three more sessions with Bessie and everything I need, and the picture will be finished. I can't self-destruct in three days. It just means a bit of the shakes at most.
“If I give you three days more will you promise me to stop work and—the other thing, whether the picture’s finished or not?”
“If I give you three more days, will you promise to stop working and—the other thing, whether the picture's done or not?”
“I can’t. You don’t know what that picture means to me. But surely you could get the Nilghai to help you, and knock me down and tie me up. I shouldn’t fight for the whiskey, but I should for the work.”
“I can’t. You don’t know what that picture means to me. But surely you could get the Nilghai to help you, and take me down and tie me up. I shouldn’t fight for the whiskey, but I should for the work.”
“Go on, then. I give you three days; but you’re nearly breaking my heart.”
“Go ahead, then. I’m giving you three days; but you’re really breaking my heart.”
Dick returned to his work, toiling as one possessed; and the yellow devil of whiskey stood by him and chased away the spots in his eyes. The Melancolia was nearly finished, and was all or nearly all that he had hoped she would be. Dick jested with Bessie, who reminded him that he was “a drunken beast’; but the reproof did not move him.
Dick went back to his work, working like a man obsessed; and the yellow devil of whiskey was right there with him, blurring the spots in his vision. The Melancolia was almost done, and it was everything he had hoped it would be. Dick joked with Bessie, who reminded him that he was “a drunken beast”; but her criticism didn’t affect him.
“You can’t understand, Bess. We are in sight of land now, and soon we shall lie back and think about what we’ve done. I’ll give you three months’ pay when the picture’s finished, and next time I have any more work in hand—but that doesn’t matter. Won’t three months’ pay make you hate me less?”
“You can’t understand, Bess. We can see land now, and soon we’ll relax and think about what we’ve done. I’ll give you three months’ pay when the project is finished, and the next time I have any more work lined up—but that doesn’t matter. Won’t three months’ pay make you dislike me less?”
“No, it won’t! I hate you, and I’ll go on hating you. Mr. Torpenhow won’t speak to me any more. He’s always looking at maps.”
“No, it won’t! I hate you, and I’ll keep hating you. Mr. Torpenhow won’t talk to me anymore. He’s always looking at maps.”
Bessie did not say that she had again laid siege to Torpenhow, or that at the end of her passionate pleading he had picked her up, given her a kiss, and put her outside the door with the recommendation not to be a little fool. He spent most of his time in the company of the Nilghai, and their talk was of war in the near future, the hiring of transports, and secret preparations among the dockyards. He did not wish to see Dick till the picture was finished.
Bessie didn’t mention that she had once again tried to win over Torpenhow, or that after her heartfelt pleading, he had picked her up, kissed her, and set her outside the door with the advice not to be foolish. He spent most of his time with the Nilghai, and their conversations revolved around the upcoming war, hiring transports, and secret preparations in the docks. He didn’t want to see Dick until the painting was done.
“He’s doing first-class work,” he said to the Nilghai, “and it’s quite out of his regular line. But, for the matter of that, so’s his infernal soaking.”
“His work is top-notch,” he said to the Nilghai, “and it’s totally outside his usual scope. But, to be fair, so is his annoying soaking.”
“Never mind. Leave him alone. When he has come to his senses again we’ll carry him off from this place and let him breathe clean air. Poor Dick! I don’t envy you, Torp, when his eyes fail.”
“Forget it. Just leave him be. When he’s back to normal, we’ll take him away from here and let him breathe fresh air. Poor Dick! I don't envy you, Torp, when his eyesight goes.”
“Yes, it will be a case of “God help the man who’s chained to our Davie.” The worst is that we don’t know when it will happen, and I believe the uncertainty and the waiting have sent Dick to the whiskey more than anything else.”
“Yeah, it’s going to be a situation of ‘God help the guy who’s stuck with our Davie.’ The worst part is that we don’t know when it will happen, and I think the unpredictability and the waiting have driven Dick to drink more than anything else.”
“How the Arab who cut his head open would grin if he knew!”
“How the Arab who cut his head open would smile if he knew!”
“He’s at perfect liberty to grin if he can. He’s dead. That’s poor consolation now.”
“He’s totally free to smile if he can. He’s dead. That’s not much comfort now.”
In the afternoon of the third day Torpenhow heard Dick calling for him.
In the afternoon of the third day, Torpenhow heard Dick calling for him.
“All finished!” he shouted. “I’ve done it! Come in! Isn’t she a beauty? Isn’t she a darling? I’ve been down to hell to get her; but isn’t she worth it?”
“All done!” he shouted. “I did it! Come in! Isn’t she gorgeous? Isn’t she amazing? I went through hell to get her; but isn’t she worth it?”
Torpenhow looked at the head of a woman who laughed,—a full-lipped, hollow-eyed woman who laughed from out of the canvas as Dick had intended she would.
Torpenhow looked at the head of a woman who laughed — a woman with full lips and hollow eyes who laughed out from the canvas just as Dick had meant for her to.
“Who taught you how to do it?” said Torpenhow. “The touch and notion have nothing to do with your regular work. What a face it is! What eyes, and what insolence!” Unconsciously he threw back his head and laughed with her. “She’s seen the game played out,—I don’t think she had a good time of it,—and now she doesn’t care. Isn’t that the idea?”
“Who taught you how to do that?” Torpenhow asked. “The skill and the idea have nothing to do with your usual job. What a face! What eyes, and what attitude!” Without realizing it, he tilted his head back and laughed with her. “She’s been through it all—I don’t think she enjoyed it—and now she doesn’t care. Isn’t that the point?”
“Exactly.”
"Exactly."
“Where did you get the mouth and chin from? They don’t belong to Bess.”
“Where did you get that mouth and chin? They don’t come from Bess.”
“They’re—some one else’s. But isn’t it good? Isn’t it thundering good? Wasn’t it worth the whiskey? I did it. Alone I did it, and it’s the best I can do.” He drew his breath sharply, and whispered, “Just God! what could I not do ten years hence, if I can do this now!—By the way, what do you think of it, Bess?”
“They're someone else's. But isn’t it great? Isn’t it really great? Wasn’t it worth the whiskey? I did it. I did it all on my own, and it’s the best I can do.” He took a sharp breath and whispered, “Just God! What could I not do ten years from now if I can do this now?—By the way, what do you think of it, Bess?”
The girl was biting her lips. She loathed Torpenhow because he had taken no notice of her.
The girl was biting her lips. She hated Torpenhow because he hadn't paid any attention to her.
“I think it’s just the horridest, beastliest thing I ever saw,” she answered, and turned away.
“I think it’s the most horrible, beastly thing I’ve ever seen,” she said, and turned away.
“More than you will be of that way of thinking, young woman.—Dick, there’s a sort of murderous, viperine suggestion in the poise of the head that I don’t understand,” said Torpenhow.
“More than you will be of that way of thinking, young woman.—Dick, there’s a kind of lethal, snake-like hint in the way she holds her head that I just don’t get,” said Torpenhow.
That’s trick-work,” said Dick, chuckling with delight at being completely understood. “I couldn’t resist one little bit of sheer swagger. It’s a French trick, and you wouldn’t understand; but it’s got at by slewing round the head a trifle, and a tiny, tiny foreshortening of one side of the face from the angle of the chin to the top of the left ear. That, and deepening the shadow under the lobe of the ear. It was flagrant trick-work; but, having the notion fixed, I felt entitled to play with it,—Oh, you beauty!”
"That's a little trick," said Dick, laughing with joy at being fully understood. "I just couldn't help but show off a bit. It's a French technique, and you probably wouldn't get it; but it involves tilting the head slightly and a tiny bit of shortening one side of the face from the chin to the top of the left ear. Plus, you deepen the shadow under the earlobe. It was definitely a flashy trick; but once I had the idea in mind, I felt justified to have some fun with it—Oh, you beauty!"
“Amen! She is a beauty. I can feel it.”
“Amen! She’s stunning. I can feel it.”
“So will every man who has any sorrow of his own,” said Dick, slapping his thigh. “He shall see his trouble there, and, by the Lord Harry, just when he’s feeling properly sorry for himself he shall throw back his head and laugh,—as she is laughing. I’ve put the life of my heart and the light of my eyes into her, and I don’t care what comes.... I’m tired,—awfully tired. I think I’ll get to sleep. Take away the whiskey, it has served its turn, and give Bessie thirty-six quid, and three over for luck. Cover the picture.”
“So will every guy who has his own sorrows,” said Dick, slapping his thigh. “He’ll see his problems right there, and, by God, just when he’s feeling really sorry for himself, he’ll throw back his head and laugh,—just like she is. I’ve poured my heart and soul into her, and I don’t care what happens.... I’m tired,—super tired. I think I’ll get some sleep. Take away the whiskey, it’s done its job, and give Bessie thirty-six quid, plus three for luck. Cover the picture.”
He dropped asleep in the long chair, hid face white and haggard, almost before he had finished the sentence. Bessie tried to take Torpenhow’s hand. “Aren’t you never going to speak to me any more?” she said; but Torpenhow was looking at Dick.
He fell asleep in the long chair, his face pale and tired, almost before he finished his sentence. Bessie tried to take Torpenhow’s hand. “Are you ever going to talk to me again?” she asked, but Torpenhow was focused on Dick.
“What a stock of vanity the man has! I’ll take him in hand to-morrow and make much of him. He deserves it.—Eh! what was that, Bess?”
“What a bunch of vanity this guy has! I’ll deal with him tomorrow and really give him some attention. He deserves it.—Hey! What was that, Bess?”
“Nothing. I’ll put things tidy here a little, and then I’ll go. You couldn’t give the that three months’ pay now, could you? He said you were to.”
“Nothing. I’ll tidy things up here a bit, and then I’ll head out. You wouldn’t be able to give that three months’ pay now, would you? He said you were supposed to.”
Torpenhow gave her a check and went to his own rooms. Bessie faithfully tidied up the studio, set the door ajar for flight, emptied half a bottle of turpentine on a duster, and began to scrub the face of the Melancolia viciously. The paint did not smudge quickly enough. She took a palette-knife and scraped, following each stroke with the wet duster. In five minutes the picture was a formless, scarred muddle of colours. She threw the paint-stained duster into the studio stove, stuck out her tongue at the sleeper, and whispered, “Bilked!” as she turned to run down the staircase. She would never see Torpenhow any more, but she had at least done harm to the man who had come between her and her desire and who used to make fun of her. Cashing the check was the very cream of the jest to Bessie. Then the little privateer sailed across the Thames, to be swallowed up in the gray wilderness of South-the-Water.
Torpenhow gave her a check and headed to his own rooms. Bessie diligently cleaned up the studio, propped the door open for an escape, poured half a bottle of turpentine onto a cloth, and started scrubbing the face of the Melancolia aggressively. The paint wasn’t coming off fast enough. She grabbed a palette knife and scraped, wiping it down with the wet cloth after each stroke. In five minutes, the painting was an unrecognizable, scarred mess of colors. She tossed the paint-smeared cloth into the studio stove, stuck out her tongue at the sleeper, and whispered, “Bilked!” as she sprinted down the staircase. She knew she’d never see Torpenhow again, but at least she had done some damage to the guy who stood between her and her dreams and who used to mock her. Cashing the check was the ultimate punchline for Bessie. Then the little privateer sailed across the Thames, disappearing into the gray expanse of South-the-Water.
Dick slept till late in the evening, when Torpenhow dragged him off to bed. His eyes were as bright as his voice was hoarse. “Let’s have another look at the picture,” he said, insistently as a child.
Dick slept late into the evening, when Torpenhow pulled him out of bed. His eyes were as bright as his voice was raspy. “Let’s take another look at the picture,” he said, insistently like a child.
“You—go—to—bed,” said Torpenhow. “You aren’t at all well, though you mayn’t know it. You’re as jumpy as a cat.”
“You—go—to—bed,” said Torpenhow. “You’re not well at all, even if you don’t realize it. You’re as twitchy as a cat.”
“I reform to-morrow. Good-night.”
"I'm changing tomorrow. Good night."
As he repassed through the studio, Torpenhow lifted the cloth above the picture, and almost betrayed himself by outcries: “Wiped out!—scraped out and turped out! He’s on the verge of jumps as it is. That’s Bess,—the little fiend! Only a woman could have done that!-with the ink not dry on the check, too! Dick will be raving mad to-morrow. It was all my fault for trying to help gutter-devils. Oh, my poor Dick, the Lord is hitting you very hard!”
As he walked back through the studio, Torpenhow lifted the cloth off the picture and nearly gave himself away with his exclamations: “Gone!—scraped clean and wiped out! He’s about to lose it as it is. That’s Bess—the little troublemaker! Only a woman could have done that!—with the ink on the check not even dry! Dick is going to be furious tomorrow. It was all my fault for trying to help those lowlifes. Oh, my poor Dick, the Lord is really putting you through it!”
Dick could not sleep that night, partly for pure joy, and partly because the well-known Catherine-wheels inside his eyes had given place to crackling volcanoes of many-coloured fire. “Spout away,” he said aloud.
Dick couldn't sleep that night, partly out of pure joy, and partly because the familiar Catherine-wheels in his eyes had turned into crackling volcanoes of colorful fire. “Go ahead and spout,” he said aloud.
“I’ve done my work, and now you can do what you please.” He lay still, staring at the ceiling, the long-pent-up delirium of drink in his veins, his brain on fire with racing thoughts that would not stay to be considered, and his hands crisped and dry. He had just discovered that he was painting the face of the Melancolia on a revolving dome ribbed with millions of lights, and that all his wondrous thoughts stood embodied hundreds of feet below his tiny swinging plank, shouting together in his honour, when something cracked inside his temples like an overstrained bowstring, the glittering dome broke inward, and he was alone in the thick night.
“I’ve done my part, and now you can do whatever you want.” He lay still, staring at the ceiling, the long-held euphoria of alcohol in his veins, his mind racing with thoughts that wouldn’t settle down, and his hands rough and dry. He had just realized that he was painting the face of Melancolia on a revolving dome filled with millions of lights, and that all his incredible ideas were embodied hundreds of feet below his tiny swinging platform, cheering for him, when something snapped inside his head like an overstrained bowstring, the shimmering dome collapsed inward, and he was alone in the deep night.
“I’ll go to sleep. The room’s very dark. Let’s light a lamp and see how the Melancolia looks. There ought to have been a moon.”
“I’m going to sleep now. It’s really dark in here. Let’s turn on a lamp and check out how the Melancolia looks. There should’ve been a moon.”
It was then that Torpenhow heard his name called by a voice that he did not know,—in the rattling accents of deadly fear.
It was then that Torpenhow heard someone call his name in a voice he didn’t recognize—filled with the trembling tones of sheer terror.
“He’s looked at the picture,” was his first thought, as he hurried into the bedroom and found Dick sitting up and beating the air with his hands.
"He's seen the picture," was his first thought, as he rushed into the bedroom and found Dick sitting up and flailing his arms.
“Torp! Torp! where are you? For pity’s sake, come to me!”
“Torp! Torp! Where are you? Please, come here!”
“What’s the matter?”
"What's wrong?"
Dick clutched at his shoulder. “Matter! I’ve been lying here for hours in the dark, and you never heard me. Torp, old man, don’t go away. I’m all in the dark. In the dark, I tell you!”
Dick grabbed his shoulder. “Hey! I’ve been lying here for hours in the dark, and you never heard me. Torp, don’t leave me. I’m totally in the dark. In the dark, I’m telling you!”
Torpenhow held the candle within a foot of Dick’s eyes, but there was no light in those eyes. He lit the gas, and Dick heard the flame catch. The grip of his fingers on Torpenhow’s shoulder made Torpenhow wince.
Torpenhow held the candle less than a foot from Dick’s eyes, but there was no spark in them. He turned on the gas, and Dick heard the flame ignite. The way Dick clutched Torpenhow’s shoulder made Torpenhow flinch.
“Don’t leave me. You wouldn’t leave me alone now, would you? I can’t see. D’you understand? It’s black,—quite black,—and I feel as if I was falling through it all.”
“Don’t go. You wouldn’t just leave me alone now, would you? I can’t see. Do you get it? It’s completely dark—totally dark—and I feel like I’m falling through it all.”
“Steady does it.” Torpenhow put his arm round Dick and began to rock him gently to and fro.
“Take it easy.” Torpenhow put his arm around Dick and started to rock him gently back and forth.
“That’s good. Now don’t talk. If I keep very quiet for a while, this darkness will lift. It seems just on the point of breaking. H’sh!” Dick knit his brows and stared desperately in front of him. The night air was chilling Torpenhow’s toes.
"That's good. Now, don't say anything. If I stay super quiet for a bit, this darkness will lift. It feels like it’s about to break. H’sh!” Dick furrowed his brows and stared desperately ahead. The night air was chilling Torpenhow's toes.
“Can you stay like that a minute?” he said. “I’ll get my dressing-gown and some slippers.”
“Can you stay like that for a minute?” he said. “I’ll grab my robe and some slippers.”
Dick clutched the bed-head with both hands and waited for the darkness to clear away. “What a time you’ve been!” he cried, when Torpenhow returned. “It’s as black as ever. What are you banging about in the door-way?”
Dick gripped the bed's headboard with both hands and waited for the darkness to fade. “Where have you been?” he exclaimed when Torpenhow came back. “It’s as dark as ever. What are you making all that noise for in the doorway?”
“Long chair,—horse-blanket,—pillow. Going to sleep by you. Lie down now; you’ll be better in the morning.”
“Long chair—horse blanket—pillow. Going to sleep next to you. Lie down now; you’ll feel better in the morning.”
“I shan’t!” The voice rose to a wail. “My God! I’m blind! I’m blind, and the darkness will never go away.” He made as if to leap from the bed, but Torpenhow’s arms were round him, and Torpenhow’s chin was on his shoulder, and his breath was squeezed out of him. He could only gasp, “Blind!” and wriggle feebly.
“I won’t!” The voice turned into a wail. “Oh my God! I’m blind! I’m blind, and the darkness will never go away.” He tried to jump out of bed, but Torpenhow had his arms around him, with his chin on his shoulder, squeezing the breath out of him. All he could do was gasp, “Blind!” and squirm weakly.
“Steady, Dickie, steady!” said the deep voice in his ear, and the grip tightened. “Bite on the bullet, old man, and don’t let them think you’re afraid,” The grip could draw no closer. Both men were breathing heavily.
“Steady, Dickie, steady!” said the deep voice in his ear, and the grip tightened. “Bite down on the bullet, man, and don’t let them think you’re scared.” The grip could draw no closer. Both men were breathing heavily.
Dick threw his head from side to side and groaned.
Dick tossed his head from side to side and groaned.
“Let me go,” he panted. “You’re cracking my ribs. We-we mustn’t let them think we’re afraid, must we,—all the powers of darkness and that lot?”
“Please let me go,” he panted. “You’re crushing my ribs. We shouldn’t let them think we’re scared, right?—all those forces of darkness and all that?”
“Lie down. It’s all over now.”
"Lie down. It's all finished now."
“Yes,” said Dick, obediently. “But would you mind letting me hold your hand? I feel as if I wanted something to hold on to. One drops through the dark so.”
“Yes,” said Dick, obediently. “But could you please let me hold your hand? I feel like I need something to grab onto. It’s easy to fall into the darkness like that.”
Torpenhow thrust out a large and hairy paw from the long chair. Dick clutched it tightly, and in half an hour had fallen asleep. Torpenhow withdrew his hand, and, stooping over Dick, kissed him lightly on the forehead, as men do sometimes kiss a wounded comrade in the hour of death, to ease his departure.
Torpenhow extended a large, hairy hand from the armchair. Dick grabbed it tightly, and within half an hour, he had fallen asleep. Torpenhow pulled his hand away and, bending down to Dick, lightly kissed his forehead, like men sometimes do to comfort a wounded friend in their final moments.
In the gray dawn Torpenhow heard Dick talking to himself. He was adrift on the shoreless tides of delirium, speaking very quickly—“It’s a pity,—a great pity; but it’s helped, and it must be eaten, Master George. Sufficient unto the day is the blindness thereof, and, further, putting aside all Melancolias and false humours, it is of obvious notoriety—such as mine was—that the queen can do no wrong. Torp doesn’t know that. I’ll tell him when we’re a little farther into the desert.
In the gray dawn, Torpenhow heard Dick talking to himself. He was lost in the endless waves of delirium, speaking very quickly—“It’s a shame—a real shame; but it’s helpful, and it has to be taken, Master George. Enough for today is the blindness of it, and besides, putting aside all sadness and false moods, it’s obviously well-known—just like mine was—that the queen can do no wrong. Torp doesn’t realize that. I’ll let him know when we’re a bit deeper into the desert.
What a bungle those boatmen are making of the steamer-ropes! They’ll have that four-inch hawser chafed through in a minute. I told you so—there she goes! White foam on green water, and the steamer slewing round. How good that looks! I’ll sketch it. No, I can’t. I’m afflicted with ophthalmia. That was one of the ten plagues of Egypt, and it extends up the Nile in the shape of cataract. Ha! that’s a joke, Torp. Laugh, you graven image, and stand clear of the hawser.... It’ll knock you into the water and make your dress all dirty, Maisie dear.”
What a mess those boatmen are making with the steamer ropes! They’re going to have that four-inch hawser worn through in no time. I told you—there it goes! White foam on green water, and the steamer spinning around. That looks amazing! I’ll sketch it. No, I can’t. I’ve got an eye infection. That was one of the ten plagues of Egypt, and it’s making its way up the Nile like a cataract. Ha! Just kidding, Torp. Laugh, you stone statue, and stay clear of the hawser.... It’ll knock you into the water and ruin your dress, Maisie dear.
“Oh!” said Torpenhow. “This happened before. That night on the river.”
“Oh!” said Torpenhow. “This has happened before. That night on the river.”
“She’ll be sure to say it’s my fault if you get muddy, and you’re quite near enough to the breakwater. Maisie, that’s not fair. Ah! I knew you’d miss.
“She’ll definitely blame me if you get muddy, and you’re really close to the breakwater. Maisie, that’s not fair. Ah! I knew you’d miss.
Low and to the left, dear. But you’ve no conviction. Don’t be angry, darling. I’d cut my hand off if it would give you anything more than obstinacy. My right hand, if it would serve.”
Low and to the left, sweetheart. But you’re not committed. Don’t be upset, my love. I’d cut off my hand if it meant giving you anything more than stubbornness. My right hand, if that would help.
“Now we mustn’t listen. Here’s an island shouting across seas of misunderstanding with a vengeance. But it’s shouting truth, I fancy,” said Torpenhow.
“Now we shouldn’t listen. Here’s an island yelling across seas of misunderstanding with intensity. But it’s shouting truth, I think,” said Torpenhow.
The babble continued. It all bore upon Maisie. Sometimes Dick lectured at length on his craft, then he cursed himself for his folly in being enslaved. He pleaded to Maisie for a kiss—only one kiss—before she went away, and called to her to come back from Vitry-sur-Marne, if she would; but through all his ravings he bade heaven and earth witness that the queen could do no wrong.
The chatter went on. It all weighed heavily on Maisie. Sometimes Dick went on and on about his work, then he scolded himself for his foolishness in being so attached. He begged Maisie for a kiss—just one kiss—before she left, and urged her to come back from Vitry-sur-Marne, if she wanted to; but through all his ramblings, he insisted that the queen could do no wrong.
Torpenhow listened attentively, and learned every detail of Dick’s life that had been hidden from him. For three days Dick raved through the past, and then a natural sleep. “What a strain he has been running under, poor chap!” said Torpenhow. “Dick, of all men, handing himself over like a dog! And I was lecturing him on arrogance! I ought to have known that it was no use to judge a man. But I did it. What a demon that girl must be! Dick’s given her his life,—confound him!—and she’s given him one kiss apparently.”
Torpenhow listened closely and learned every detail of Dick's life that had been kept from him. For three days, Dick ranted about the past, and then he finally fell into a natural sleep. “What a stress he's been under, poor guy!” Torpenhow said. “Dick, of all people, giving himself over like a dog! And I was lecturing him about arrogance! I should have realized it's pointless to judge someone. But I did. What a nightmare that girl must be! Dick's given her his whole life—damn him!—and all she’s given him is one kiss, it seems.”
“Torp,” said Dick, from the bed, “go out for a walk. You’ve been here too long. I’ll get up. Hi! This is annoying. I can’t dress myself. Oh, it’s too absurd!”
“Torp,” said Dick from the bed, “go take a walk. You’ve been here too long. I’ll get up. Ugh! This is so annoying. I can’t get dressed by myself. Oh, this is just ridiculous!”
Torpenhow helped him into his clothes and led him to the big chair in the studio. He sat quietly waiting under strained nerves for the darkness to lift. It did not lift that day, nor the next. Dick adventured on a voyage round the walls. He hit his shins against the stove, and this suggested to him that it would be better to crawl on all fours, one hand in front of him. Torpenhow found him on the floor.
Torpenhow helped him get dressed and guided him to the large chair in the studio. He sat there quietly, his nerves tense as he waited for the darkness to fade. It didn’t clear up that day, or the next. Dick decided to explore the room. He bumped his shins against the stove, which made him think it would be better to crawl on all fours, using one hand to feel his way. Torpenhow discovered him on the floor.
“I’m trying to get the geography of my new possessions,” said he. “D’you remember that nigger you gouged in the square? Pity you didn’t keep the odd eye. It would have been useful. Any letters for me? Give me all the ones in fat gray envelopes with a sort of crown thing outside. They’re of no importance.”
“I’m trying to figure out the layout of my new holdings,” he said. “Do you remember that guy you injured in the square? Too bad you didn’t keep the extra eye. It would have come in handy. Any mail for me? Give me all the ones in big gray envelopes with some kind of crown design on the outside. They aren’t important.”
Torpenhow gave him a letter with a black M. on the envelope flap. Dick put it into his pocket. There was nothing in it that Torpenhow might not have read, but it belonged to himself and to Maisie, who would never belong to him.
Torpenhow handed him a letter with a black M. on the envelope flap. Dick put it in his pocket. There was nothing in it that Torpenhow couldn’t have read, but it was for him and Maisie, who would never truly be his.
“When she finds that I don’t write, she’ll stop writing. It’s better so. I couldn’t be any use to her now,” Dick argued, and the tempter suggested that he should make known his condition. Every nerve in him revolted. “I have fallen low enough already. I’m not going to beg for pity. Besides, it would be cruel to her.” He strove to put Maisie out of his thoughts; but the blind have many opportunities for thinking, and as the tides of his strength came back to him in the long employless days of dead darkness, Dick’s soul was troubled to the core. Another letter, and another, came from Maisie. Then there was silence, and Dick sat by the window, the pulse of summer in the air, and pictured her being won by another man, stronger than himself. His imagination, the keener for the dark background it worked against, spared him no single detail that might send him raging up and down the studio, to stumble over the stove that seemed to be in four places at once. Worst of all, tobacco would not taste in the darkness. The arrogance of the man had disappeared, and in its place were settled despair that Torpenhow knew, and blind passion that Dick confided to his pillow at night. The intervals between the paroxysms were filled with intolerable waiting and the weight of intolerable darkness.
“When she realizes that I don’t write, she’ll stop writing. It’s better this way. I can’t be of any help to her now,” Dick argued, and the tempter suggested that he should reveal his situation. Every part of him resisted. “I’ve already sunk low enough. I’m not going to beg for sympathy. Besides, it would be cruel to her.” He tried to push Maisie out of his mind; but the blind have many chances to think, and as his strength gradually returned during the long, unproductive days of total darkness, Dick’s soul was deeply troubled. Another letter, then another, arrived from Maisie. Then silence fell, and Dick sat by the window, feeling the summer pulse in the air, and imagined her being won over by another man, someone stronger than he was. His imagination, sharpened by the dark backdrop it had to work against, didn’t spare him a single detail that could send him pacing up and down the studio, stumbling over the stove that seemed to be everywhere at once. Worst of all, tobacco didn’t taste right in the dark. The man’s confidence had faded, replaced by a settled despair that Torpenhow recognized, and a blind passion that Dick confided to his pillow at night. The gaps between the outbursts were filled with unbearable waiting and the weight of excruciating darkness.
“Come out into the Park,” said Torpenhow. “You haven’t stirred out since the beginning of things.”
“Come out into the Park,” said Torpenhow. “You haven’t stepped outside since everything started.”
“What’s the use? There’s no movement in the dark; and, besides,”—he paused irresolutely at the head of the stairs,—“something will run over me.”
“What’s the point? There’s no action in the dark; and, besides,”—he hesitated uncertainly at the top of the stairs,—“something might run over me.”
“Not if I’m with you. Proceed gingerly.”
“Not if I'm with you. Go carefully.”
The roar of the streets filled Dick with nervous terror, and he clung to Torpenhow’s arm. “Fancy having to feel for a gutter with your foot!” he said petulantly, as he turned into the Park. “Let’s curse God and die.”
The noise of the streets overwhelmed Dick with anxious fear, and he held onto Torpenhow’s arm. “Can you believe we have to feel for a gutter with our foot?” he said irritably as they entered the Park. “Let’s just curse God and give up.”
“Sentries are forbidden to pay unauthorised compliments. By Jove, there are the Guards!”
“Sentries aren’t allowed to give unauthorized compliments. By gosh, there are the Guards!”
Dick’s figure straightened. “Let’s get near ’em. Let’s go in and look. Let’s get on the grass and run. I can smell the trees.”
Dick straightened up. “Let’s get closer to them. Let’s go in and check it out. Let’s get on the grass and run. I can smell the trees.”
“Mind the low railing. That’s all right!” Torpenhow kicked out a tuft of grass with his heel. “Smell that,” he said. “Isn’t it good?” Dick sniffed luxuriously. “Now pick up your feet and run.” They approached as near to the regiment as was possible. The clank of bayonets being unfixed made Dick’s nostrils quiver.
“Watch out for the low railing. It’s all good!” Torpenhow kicked a clump of grass with his heel. “Can you smell that?” he asked. “Isn’t it nice?” Dick inhaled deeply. “Now lift your feet and run.” They got as close to the regiment as they could. The sound of bayonets being unsheathed made Dick's nostrils twitch.
“Let’s get nearer. They’re in column, aren’t they?”
“Let’s get closer. They’re lined up, right?”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“Yes. How did you find out?”
“Felt it. Oh, my men!—my beautiful men!” He edged forward as though he could see. “I could draw those chaps once. Who’ll draw ’em now?”
“Felt it. Oh, my guys!—my amazing guys!” He leaned in as if he could see. “I could sketch those dudes once. Who’s going to sketch them now?”
“They’ll move off in a minute. Don’t jump when the band begins.”
“They'll leave in a minute. Don’t startle when the band plays.”
“Huh! I’m not a new charger. It’s the silences that hurt. Nearer, Torp!—nearer! Oh, my God, what wouldn’t I give to see ’em for a minute!—one half-minute!”
“Huh! I’m not a new charger. It’s the silences that hurt. Closer, Torp!—closer! Oh, my God, what wouldn’t I give to see them for a minute!—just half a minute!”
He could hear the armed life almost within reach of him, could hear the slings tighten across the bandsman’s chest as he heaved the big drum from the ground.
He could hear the armed life almost within reach, could hear the straps tighten across the musician’s chest as he lifted the big drum off the ground.
“Sticks crossed above his head,” whispered Torpenhow.
“Sticks crossed over his head,” whispered Torpenhow.
“I know. I know! Who should know if I don’t? H’sh!”
“I know. I know! Who else would know if I don’t? H’sh!”
The drum-sticks fell with a boom, and the men swung forward to the crash of the band. Dick felt the wind of the massed movement in his face, heard the maddening tramp of feet and the friction of the pouches on the belts. The big drum pounded out the tune. It was a music-hall refrain that made a perfect quickstep—
The drumsticks hit the ground with a thud, and the men surged forward to the sound of the band. Dick felt the rush of the crowd's movement against his face, heard the annoying stomp of feet and the rubbing of pouches against their belts. The big drum thumped out the melody. It was a catchy music-hall tune that made a great quickstep—
He must be a man of decent height,
He must be a man of weight,
He must come home on a Saturday night
In a thoroughly sober state;
He must know how to love me,
And he must know how to kiss;
And if he’s enough to keep us both
I can’t refuse him bliss.
He needs to be a decent height,
He needs to be a man of substance,
He should come home on a Saturday night
In a totally sober condition;
He must know how to love me,
And he needs to know how to kiss;
And if he’s able to support us both,
I won’t turn down happiness.
“What’s the matter?” said Torpenhow, as he saw Dick’s head fall when the last of the regiment had departed.
“What’s wrong?” Torpenhow asked as he noticed Dick’s head drop when the last of the regiment had left.
“Nothing. I feel a little bit out of the running,—that’s all. Torp, take me back. Why did you bring me out?”
“Nothing. I feel a bit out of the loop—that’s all. Torp, take me back. Why did you bring me out?”
CHAPTER XII
There were three friends that buried the fourth,
The mould in his mouth and the dust in his eyes
And they went south and east, and north,—
The strong man fights, but the sick man dies.
There were three friends that spoke of the dead,—
The strong man fights, but the sick man dies.—
“And would he were with us now,” they said,
“The sun in our face and the wind in our eyes.”
—Ballad.
There were three friends who buried the fourth,
The dirt in his mouth and the dust in his eyes
And they went south, east, and north,—
The strong fight, but the sick die.
There were three friends who talked about the dead,—
The strong fight, but the sick die.—
“And we wish he was here with us now,” they said,
“The sun on our faces and the wind in our eyes.”
—Ballad.
The Nilghai was angry with Torpenhow. Dick had been sent to bed,—blind men are ever under the orders of those who can see,—and since he had returned from the Park had fluently sworn at Torpenhow because he was alive, and all the world because it was alive and could see, while he, Dick, was dead in the death of the blind, who, at the best, are only burdens upon their associates. Torpenhow had said something about a Mrs. Gummidge, and Dick had retired in a black fury to handle and re-handle three unopened letters from Maisie.
The Nilghai was furious with Torpenhow. Dick had been sent to bed—blind people are always at the mercy of those who can see—and ever since he got back from the Park, he had been cursing Torpenhow for being alive, and everything else in the world for being alive and able to see, while he, Dick, felt dead in the way of the blind, who are, at best, just a burden to those around them. Torpenhow had mentioned something about a Mrs. Gummidge, and Dick had stormed off in a rage to handle and re-handle three unopened letters from Maisie.
The Nilghai, fat, burly, and aggressive, was in Torpenhow’s rooms.
The Nilghai, heavyset, stocky, and fierce, was in Torpenhow’s rooms.
Behind him sat the Keneu, the Great War Eagle, and between them lay a large map embellished with black-and-white-headed pins.
Behind him sat the Keneu, the Great War Eagle, and between them lay a large map decorated with black-and-white pins.
“I was wrong about the Balkans,” said the Nilghai. “But I’m not wrong about this business. The whole of our work in the Southern Soudan must be done over again. The public doesn’t care, of course, but the government does, and they are making their arrangements quietly. You know that as well as I do.”
“I was mistaken about the Balkans,” said the Nilghai. “But I’m not mistaken about this situation. We have to redo all of our work in the Southern Soudan. The public doesn’t care, obviously, but the government does, and they are making their plans quietly. You know that just as well as I do.”
“I remember how the people cursed us when our troops withdrew from Omdurman. It was bound to crop up sooner or later. But I can’t go,” said Torpenhow. He pointed through the open door; it was a hot night. “Can you blame me?”
“I remember how people cursed us when our troops pulled out of Omdurman. It was bound to happen sooner or later. But I can’t leave,” said Torpenhow. He pointed through the open door; it was a hot night. “Can you blame me?”
The Keneu purred above his pipe like a large and very happy cat—“Don’t blame you in the least. It’s uncommonly good of you, and all the rest of it, but every man—even you, Torp—must consider his work. I know it sounds brutal, but Dick’s out of the race,—down,—gastados, expended, finished, done for. He has a little money of his own. He won’t starve, and you can’t pull out of your slide for his sake. Think of your own reputation.”
The Keneu purred above his pipe like a big, happy cat—“I don't blame you at all. It's really generous of you and all that, but every man—even you, Torp—has to think about his work. I know it sounds harsh, but Dick’s out of the race—down—gastados, used up, finished, done for. He has a bit of money of his own. He won’t starve, and you can’t slow down for his sake. Think about your own reputation.”
“Dick’s was five times bigger than mine and yours put together.”
“Dick's was five times bigger than both of ours combined.”
“That was because he signed his name to everything he did. It’s all ended now. You must hold yourself in readiness to move out. You can command your own prices, and you do better work than any three of us.”
“That’s because he signed his name to everything he did. It’s all over now. You need to be ready to move out. You can set your own prices, and you do better work than any three of us.”
“Don’t tell me how tempting it is. I’ll stay here to look after Dick for a while. He’s as cheerful as a bear with a sore head, but I think he likes to have me near him.”
“Don’t tell me how tempting it is. I’ll stay here to look after Dick for a while. He’s as cheerful as a grumpy bear, but I think he likes having me around.”
The Nilghai said something uncomplimentary about soft-headed fools who throw away their careers for other fools. Torpenhow flushed angrily. The constant strain of attendance on Dick had worn his nerves thin.
The Nilghai said something rude about soft-headed idiots who toss aside their careers for other idiots. Torpenhow blushed with anger. The ongoing pressure of being there for Dick had worn his nerves down.
“There remains a third fate,” said the Keneu, thoughtfully. “Consider this, and be not larger fools than necessary. Dick is—or rather was—an able-bodied man of moderate attractions and a certain amount of audacity.”
“There’s a third option,” the Keneu said, deep in thought. “Think about this, and don’t be bigger fools than you have to be. Dick is—or rather, was—an able-bodied man with average looks and a decent amount of boldness.”
“Oho!” said the Nilghai, who remembered an affair at Cairo. “I begin to see,—Torp, I’m sorry.”
“Oho!” said the Nilghai, recalling an incident in Cairo. “I’m starting to understand—Torp, I’m sorry.”
Torpenhow nodded forgiveness: “You were more sorry when he cut you out, though.—Go on, Keneu.”
Torpenhow nodded in forgiveness: “You felt worse when he excluded you, though.—Go ahead, Keneu.”
“I’ve often thought, when I’ve seen men die out in the desert, that if the news could be sent through the world, and the means of transport were quick enough, there would be one woman at least at each man’s bedside.”
“I’ve often thought, when I’ve seen men die out in the desert, that if the news could spread around the world and the means of transport were fast enough, there would at least be one woman by each man’s bedside.”
“There would be some mighty quaint revelations. Let us be grateful things are as they are,” said the Nilghai.
“There would be some really interesting discoveries. Let’s be thankful for how things are,” said the Nilghai.
“Let us rather reverently consider whether Torp’s three-cornered ministrations are exactly what Dick needs just now.—What do you think yourself, Torp?”
“Let’s respectfully think about whether Torp’s three-sided assistance is really what Dick needs right now.—What do you think, Torp?”
“I know they aren’t. But what can I do?”
“I know they're not. But what can I do?”
“Lay the matter before the board. We are all Dick’s friends here. You’ve been most in his life.”
“Present the issue to the board. We’re all friends of Dick here. You’ve been a big part of his life.”
“But I picked it up when he was off his head.”
“But I picked it up when he was out of it.”
“The greater chance of its being true. I thought we should arrive. Who is she?”
“The greater chance of it being true. I thought we would get there. Who is she?”
Then Torpenhow told a tale in plain words, as a special correspondent who knows how to make a verbal précis should tell it. The men listened without interruption.
Then Torpenhow told a story in straightforward words, just like a special correspondent who knows how to give a verbal summary should tell it. The men listened without interruption.
“Is it possible that a man can come back across the years to his calf-love?” said the Keneu. “Is it possible?”
“Can a guy really go back in time to a childhood crush?” asked the Keneu. “Really?”
“I give the facts. He says nothing about it now, but he sits fumbling three letters from her when he thinks I’m not looking. What am I to do?”
“I give the facts. He doesn’t say anything about it now, but he sits there messing with three letters from her when he thinks I’m not watching. What am I supposed to do?”
“Speak to him,” said the Nilghai.
“Talk to him,” said the Nilghai.
“Oh yes! Write to her,—I don’t know her full name, remember,—and ask her to accept him out of pity. I believe you once told Dick you were sorry for him, Nilghai. You remember what happened, eh? Go into the bedroom and suggest full confession and an appeal to this Maisie girl, whoever she is. I honestly believe he’d try to kill you; and the blindness has made him rather muscular.”
“Oh yes! Write to her—I don’t know her full name, remember—and ask her to accept him out of pity. I think you once told Dick you felt sorry for him, Nilghai. Do you remember what happened? Go into the bedroom and suggest a full confession and an appeal to this Maisie girl, whoever she is. I really believe he’d try to kill you; and the blindness has made him pretty strong.”
“Torpenhow’s course is perfectly clear,” said the Keneu. “He will go to Vitry-sur-Marne, which is on the Bezieres-Landes Railway,—single track from Tourgas. The Prussians shelled it out in ’70 because there was a poplar on the top of a hill eighteen hundred yards from the church spire There’s a squadron of cavalry quartered there,—or ought to be. Where this studio Torp spoke about may be I cannot tell. That is Torp’s business. I have given him his route. He will dispassionately explain the situation to the girl, and she will come back to Dick,—the more especially because, to use Dick’s words, “there is nothing but her damned obstinacy to keep them apart.”’
“Torpenhow’s path is crystal clear,” said the Keneu. “He's heading to Vitry-sur-Marne, which is on the Bezieres-Landes Railway—single track from Tourgas. The Prussians shelled it in ’70 because there was a poplar on a hill eighteen hundred yards from the church spire. There's supposed to be a squadron of cavalry based there. As for where this studio Torp mentioned is, I can't say. That’s Torp’s concern. I've given him his route. He will calmly explain the situation to the girl, and she will come back to Dick—especially since, to use Dick's words, 'there's nothing but her stubbornness keeping them apart.'”
“And they have four hundred and twenty pounds a year between ’em. Dick never lost his head for figures, even in his delirium. You haven’t the shadow of an excuse for not going,” said the Nilghai.
“And they have four hundred and twenty pounds a year between them. Dick never lost his grip on numbers, even when he was delirious. You have no excuse for not going,” said the Nilghai.
Torpenhow looked very uncomfortable. “But it’s absurd and impossible. I can’t drag her back by the hair.”
Torpenhow looked really uneasy. “But that’s ridiculous and impossible. I can’t pull her back by the hair.”
“Our business—the business for which we draw our money—is to do absurd and impossible things,—generally with no reason whatever except to amuse the public. Here we have a reason. The rest doesn’t matter. I shall share these rooms with the Nilghai till Torpenhow returns. There will be a batch of unbridled “specials” coming to town in a little while, and these will serve as their headquarters. Another reason for sending Torpenhow away. Thus Providence helps those who help others, and’—here the Keneu dropped his measured speech—“we can’t have you tied by the leg to Dick when the trouble begins. It’s your only chance of getting away; and Dick will be grateful.”
“Our business—the one that pays our bills—is to do ridiculous and impossible things, usually with no reason other than to entertain the public. But this time we do have a reason. The rest doesn’t matter. I’ll be sharing these rooms with the Nilghai until Torpenhow comes back. Soon, a bunch of wild “specials” will be arriving in town, and these will be their home base. That’s another reason to send Torpenhow away. So, fate helps those who help others, and”—here the Keneu dropped his formal tone—“we can’t have you tied down to Dick when trouble starts. This is your only chance to escape; and Dick will appreciate it.”
“He will,—worse luck! I can but go and try. I can’t conceive a woman in her senses refusing Dick.”
“He will—unfortunately! I can only go and try. I can't imagine a woman in her right mind turning down Dick.”
“Talk that out with the girl. I have seen you wheedle an angry Mahdieh woman into giving you dates. This won’t be a tithe as difficult. You had better not be here to-morrow afternoon, because the Nilghai and I will be in possession. It is an order. Obey.”
“Talk it over with the girl. I've watched you charm an upset Mahdieh woman into giving you dates before. This won’t be nearly as tough. You’d better not be here tomorrow afternoon, because the Nilghai and I will be in charge. It’s an order. Follow it.”
“Dick,” said Torpenhow, next morning, “can I do anything for you?”
“Dick,” said Torpenhow the next morning, “can I help you with anything?”
“No! Leave me alone. How often must I remind you that I’m blind?”
“No! Leave me alone. How many times do I have to remind you that I can’t see?”
“Nothing I could go for to fetch for to carry for to bring?”
“Is there nothing I can go get or bring back?”
“No. Take those infernal creaking boots of yours away.”
“No. Take those annoying creaking boots of yours away.”
“Poor chap!” said Torpenhow to himself. “I must have been sitting on his nerves lately. He wants a lighter step.” Then, aloud, “Very well. Since you’re so independent, I’m going off for four or five days. Say good-bye at least. The housekeeper will look after you, and Keneu has my rooms.”
“Poor guy!” Torpenhow said to himself. “I must have been getting on his nerves lately. He needs a lighter touch.” Then, aloud, “Alright. Since you’re so independent, I’m going to be gone for four or five days. At least say goodbye. The housekeeper will take care of you, and Keneu has my rooms.”
Dick’s face fell. “You won’t be longer than a week at the outside? I know I’m touched in the temper, but I can’t get on without you.”
Dick's expression sank. “You won’t be gone for more than a week, right? I know I have a bit of a temper, but I can't manage without you.”
“Can’t you? You’ll have to do without me in a little time, and you’ll be glad I’m gone.”
“Can’t you? You’ll have to manage without me soon, and you’ll be relieved I’m out of the picture.”
Dick felt his way back to the big chair, and wondered what these things might mean. He did not wish to be tended by the housekeeper, and yet Torpenhow’s constant tenderness jarred on him. He did not exactly know what he wanted. The darkness would not lift, and Maisie’s unopened letters felt worn and old from much handling. He could never read them for himself as long as life endured; but Maisie might have sent him some fresh ones to play with. The Nilghai entered with a gift,—a piece of red modelling-wax. He fancied that Dick might find interest in using his hands. Dick poked and patted the stuff for a few minutes, and, “Is it like anything in the world?” he said drearily. “Take it away. I may get the touch of the blind in fifty years. Do you know where Torpenhow has gone?”
Dick made his way back to the big chair, wondering what all this meant. He didn’t want to be cared for by the housekeeper, yet Torpenhow’s constant kindness annoyed him. He wasn’t quite sure what he wanted. The darkness wouldn’t lift, and Maisie’s unopened letters felt worn and old from being handled so much. He could never read them for himself as long as he lived; but maybe Maisie would have sent him some new ones to look at. The Nilghai came in with a gift—a piece of red modeling wax. He thought Dick might find it interesting to use his hands. Dick poked and shaped the wax for a few minutes, then said drearily, “Does it resemble anything in the world?” He added, “Take it away. I might get the touch of the blind in fifty years. Do you know where Torpenhow has gone?”
The Nilghai knew nothing. “We’re staying in his rooms till he comes back. Can we do anything for you?”
The Nilghai knew nothing. “We’re staying in his rooms until he comes back. Is there anything we can do for you?”
“I’d like to be left alone, please. Don’t think I’m ungrateful; but I’m best alone.”
“I’d like to be left alone, please. Don’t think I’m ungrateful; I just do my best when I’m by myself.”
The Nilghai chuckled, and Dick resumed his drowsy brooding and sullen rebellion against fate. He had long since ceased to think about the work he had done in the old days, and the desire to do more work had departed from him. He was exceedingly sorry for himself, and the completeness of his tender grief soothed him. But his soul and his body cried for Maisie—Maisie who would understand. His mind pointed out that Maisie, having her own work to do, would not care. His experience had taught him that when money was exhausted women went away, and that when a man was knocked out of the race the others trampled on him. “Then at the least,” said Dick, in reply, “she could use me as I used Binat,—for some sort of a study. I wouldn’t ask more than to be near her again, even though I knew that another man was making love to her. Ugh! what a dog I am!”
The Nilghai chuckled, and Dick fell back into his sleepy thoughts and sulky defiance against fate. He had long stopped thinking about the work he used to do, and the urge to do more had vanished. He felt really sorry for himself, and the depth of his sorrow oddly comforted him. But his heart and body longed for Maisie—Maisie, who would get it. His mind reminded him that Maisie, busy with her own life, probably wouldn't care. His experiences had shown him that when money ran out, women left, and when a man fell behind, others just walked over him. "Then at least," Dick said in response, "she could use me like I used Binat—just for some kind of study. I wouldn't ask for more than to be close to her again, even if I knew another guy was wooing her. Ugh! What a loser I am!"
A voice on the staircase began to sing joyfully—
A voice on the staircase started to sing happily—
“When we go—go—go away from here,
Our creditors will weep and they will wail,
Our absence much regretting when they find that they’ve been getting
Out of England by next Tuesday’s Indian mail.”
“When we leave—leave—leave this place,
Our creditors will cry and they'll scream,
They'll regret our absence when they realize they've been getting
Out of England by next Tuesday’s Indian mail.”
Following the trampling of feet, slamming of Torpenhow’s door, and the sound of voices in strenuous debate, some one squeaked, “And see, you good fellows, I have found a new water-bottle—firs’-class patent—eh, how you say? Open himself inside out.”
Following the sound of footsteps, the slamming of Torpenhow’s door, and voices engaged in a heated debate, someone squeaked, “And look, my good friends, I’ve got a new water bottle—first-class patent—how do you say? Opens up inside out.”
Dick sprang to his feet. He knew the voice well. “That’s Cassavetti, come back from the Continent. Now I know why Torp went away. There’s a row somewhere, and—I’m out of it!”
Dick jumped up. He recognized the voice immediately. “That’s Cassavetti, back from the continent. Now I understand why Torp left. There's a problem brewing, and—I'm not involved!”
The Nilghai commanded silence in vain. “That’s for my sake,” Dick said bitterly. “The birds are getting ready to fly, and they wouldn’t tell me. I can hear Morten-Sutherland and Mackaye. Half the War Correspondents in London are there;—and I’m out of it.”
The Nilghai tried to get everyone to be quiet but it didn’t work. “That’s for my sake,” Dick said resentfully. “The birds are getting ready to take off, and they won’t tell me. I can hear Morten-Sutherland and Mackaye. Half the war correspondents in London are there;—and I’m not part of it.”
He stumbled across the landing and plunged into Torpenhow’s room. He could feel that it was full of men. “Where’s the trouble?” said he. “In the Balkans at last? Why didn’t some one tell me?”
He tripped over the landing and rushed into Torpenhow’s room. He could sense it was packed with guys. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Is it in the Balkans finally? Why didn’t anyone let me know?”
“We thought you wouldn’t be interested,” said the Nilghai, shamefacedly.
“We thought you wouldn’t be interested,” said the Nilghai, looking embarrassed.
“It’s in the Soudan, as usual.”
“It’s in Sudan, as always.”
“You lucky dogs! Let me sit here while you talk. I shan’t be a skeleton at the feast.—Cassavetti, where are you? Your English is as bad as ever.”
“You lucky people! Let me sit here while you talk. I won’t be a skeleton at the feast.—Cassavetti, where are you? Your English is as bad as ever.”
Dick was led into a chair. He heard the rustle of the maps, and the talk swept forward, carrying him with it. Everybody spoke at once, discussing press censorships, railway-routes, transport, water-supply, the capacities of generals,—these in language that would have horrified a trusting public,—ranging, asserting, denouncing, and laughing at the top of their voices. There was the glorious certainty of war in the Soudan at any moment. The Nilghai said so, and it was well to be in readiness. The Keneu had telegraphed to Cairo for horses; Cassavetti had stolen a perfectly inaccurate list of troops that would be ordered forward, and was reading it out amid profane interruptions, and the Keneu introduced to Dick some man unknown who would be employed as war artist by the Central Southern Syndicate. “It’s his first outing,” said the Keneu. “Give him some tips—about riding camels.”
Dick was guided into a chair. He heard the sound of maps rustling, and the conversation surged forward, pulling him along with it. Everyone was speaking at once, discussing press censorship, railway routes, transportation, water supply, the capabilities of generals—using language that would have shocked a trusting public—debating, asserting, criticizing, and laughing loudly. There was a strong certainty that war in the Sudan could happen at any moment. The Nilghai mentioned it, and it was wise to be prepared. The Keneu had sent a telegram to Cairo for horses; Cassavetti had secretly obtained a completely inaccurate list of troops that would be deployed and was reading it out amid curse-filled interruptions, and the Keneu introduced Dick to an unknown man who would be working as a war artist for the Central Southern Syndicate. “It’s his first outing,” said the Keneu. “Give him some advice—about riding camels.”
“Oh, those camels!” groaned Cassavetti. “I shall learn to ride him again, and now I am so much all soft! Listen, you good fellows. I know your military arrangement very well. There will go the Royal Argalshire Sutherlanders. So it was read to me upon best authority.”
“Oh, those camels!” groaned Cassavetti. “I’ll learn to ride him again, and now I’m just so soft! Listen, you good guys. I know your military setup really well. There go the Royal Argalshire Sutherlanders. That’s what I heard from the best source.”
A roar of laughter interrupted him.
A burst of laughter cut him off.
“Sit down,” said the Nilghai. “The lists aren’t even made out in the War Office.”
“Sit down,” said the Nilghai. “The lists aren’t even prepared at the War Office.”
“Will there be any force at Suakin?” said a voice.
“Will there be any troops at Suakin?” a voice asked.
Then the outcries redoubled, and grew mixed, thus: “How many Egyptian troops will they use?—God help the Fellaheen!—There’s a railway in Plumstead marshes doing duty as a fives-court.—We shall have the Suakin-Berber line built at last.—Canadian voyageurs are too careful. Give me a half-drunk Krooman in a whale-boat.—Who commands the Desert column?—No, they never blew up the big rock in the Ghineh bend. We shall have to be hauled up, as usual.—Somebody tell me if there’s an Indian contingent, or I’ll break everybody’s head.—Don’t tear the map in two.—It’s a war of occupation, I tell you, to connect with the African companies in the South.—There’s Guinea-worm in most of the wells on that route.” Then the Nilghai, despairing of peace, bellowed like a fog-horn and beat upon the table with both hands.
Then the shouts got louder and more chaotic: “How many Egyptian troops will they send?—God help the farmers!—There’s a railway in Plumstead marshes being used as a fives court.—Finally, we'll get the Suakin-Berber line built.—Canadian voyageurs are too cautious. Give me a tipsy Krooman in a whale boat.—Who’s in charge of the Desert column?—No, they never blew up the big rock at the Ghineh bend. We’ll have to be pulled up like always.—Someone tell me if there’s an Indian contingent, or I’ll lose it.—Don’t tear the map in half.—It’s a war of occupation, I’m telling you, to connect with the African companies down south.—There’s Guinea-worm in most of the wells along that route.” Then the Nilghai, giving up on peace, bellowed like a foghorn and pounded the table with both hands.
“But what becomes of Torpenhow?” said Dick, in the silence that followed.
“But what happens to Torpenhow?” Dick asked, breaking the silence that followed.
“Torp’s in abeyance just now. He’s off love-making somewhere, I suppose,” said the Nilghai.
“Torp's taking a break right now. I guess he’s off somewhere trying to win someone over,” said the Nilghai.
“He said he was going to stay at home,” said the Keneu.
“He said he was going to stay home,” said the Keneu.
“Is he?” said Dick, with an oath. “He won’t. I’m not much good now, but if you and the Nilghai hold him down I’ll engage to trample on him till he sees reason. He’ll stay behind, indeed! He’s the best of you all. There’ll be some tough work by Omdurman. We shall come there to stay, this time.
“Is he?” said Dick, swearing. “He won’t. I’m not at my best now, but if you and the Nilghai hold him down, I’ll make sure to stomp on him until he gets the message. He’ll stay back, for sure! He’s the best of you all. There’s going to be some tough fighting at Omdurman. We’re coming to stay this time.”
But I forgot. I wish I were going with you.”
But I forgot. I wish I could go with you.
“So do we all, Dickie,” said the Keneu.
“So do we all, Dickie,” said the Keneu.
“And I most of all,” said the new artist of the Central Southern Syndicate.
“And I most of all,” said the new artist from the Central Southern Syndicate.
“Could you tell me——”
“Can you tell me——”
“I’ll give you one piece of advice,” Dick answered, moving towards the door. “If you happen to be cut over the head in a scrimmage, don’t guard.
“I’ll give you one piece of advice,” Dick said, heading for the door. “If you ever get hit on the head in a scrimmage, don’t guard.”
Tell the man to go on cutting. You’ll find it cheapest in the end. Thanks for letting me look in.”
"Tell the guy to keep cutting. It’ll end up being the cheapest option. Thanks for letting me take a look."
“There’s grit in Dick,” said the Nilghai, an hour later, when the room was emptied of all save the Keneu.
“There’s grit in Dick,” said the Nilghai, an hour later, when the room was empty except for the Keneu.
“It was the sacred call of the war-trumpet. Did you notice how he answered to it? Poor fellow! Let’s look at him,” said the Keneu.
“It was the sacred call of the war trumpet. Did you see how he responded to it? Poor guy! Let’s take a look at him,” said the Keneu.
The excitement of the talk had died away. Dick was sitting by the studio table, with his head on his arms, when the men came in. He did not change his position.
The excitement of the conversation had faded. Dick was sitting at the studio table, with his head resting on his arms, when the men walked in. He didn’t move.
“It hurts,” he moaned. “God forgive me, but it hurts cruelly; and yet, y’know, the world has a knack of spinning round all by itself. Shall I see Torp before he goes?”
“It hurts,” he groaned. “God forgive me, but it hurts so badly; and yet, you know, the world has a way of just going on by itself. Should I see Torp before he leaves?”
“Oh, yes. You’ll see him,” said the Nilghai.
“Oh, yes. You’ll see him,” said the Nilghai.
CHAPTER XIII
The sun went down an hour ago,
I wonder if I face towards home;
If I lost my way in the light of day
How shall I find it now night is come?
—Old Song.
The sun set an hour ago,
I wonder if I'm headed home;
If I got lost during the day
How will I find my way now that night has come?
—Old Song.
“Maisie, come to bed.”
“Maisie, time for bed.”
“It’s so hot I can’t sleep. Don’t worry.”
“It’s so hot I can’t sleep. Don’t worry.”
Maisie put her elbows on the window-sill and looked at the moonlight on the straight, poplar-flanked road. Summer had come upon Vitry-sur-Marne and parched it to the bone. The grass was dry-burnt in the meadows, the clay by the bank of the river was caked to brick, the roadside flowers were long since dead, and the roses in the garden hung withered on their stalks. The heat in the little low bedroom under the eaves was almost intolerable. The very moonlight on the wall of Kami’s studio across the road seemed to make the night hotter, and the shadow of the big bell-handle by the closed gate cast a bar of inky black that caught Maisie’s eye and annoyed her.
Maisie rested her elbows on the windowsill and gazed at the moonlight reflecting off the straight road lined with poplar trees. Summer had arrived in Vitry-sur-Marne, leaving everything parched. The grass in the meadows was burnt to a crisp, the clay by the riverbank was hardened like brick, the roadside flowers were long gone, and the roses in the garden drooped, dried up on their stems. The heat in the small, low bedroom under the eaves was nearly unbearable. Even the moonlight on the wall of Kami’s studio across the street seemed to make the night feel hotter, and the shadow of the large bell-handle by the closed gate created a dark bar that caught Maisie’s attention and irritated her.
“Horrid thing! It should be all white,” she murmured. “And the gate isn’t in the middle of the wall, either. I never noticed that before.”
“Horrible thing! It should be completely white,” she murmured. “And the gate isn’t centered in the wall, either. I never noticed that before.”
Maisie was hard to please at that hour. First, the heat of the past few weeks had worn her down; secondly, her work, and particularly the study of a female head intended to represent the Melancolia and not finished in time for the Salon, was unsatisfactory; thirdly, Kami had said as much two days before; fourthly,—but so completely fourthly that it was hardly worth thinking about,—Dick, her property, had not written to her for more than six weeks. She was angry with the heat, with Kami, and with her work, but she was exceedingly angry with Dick.
Maisie was tough to satisfy at that moment. First, the heat from the past few weeks had drained her; second, her work, especially the study of a female head meant to represent Melancolia and not finished in time for the Salon, was disappointing; third, Kami had mentioned this just two days earlier; fourth, and this was such a minor point it hardly mattered, Dick, her boyfriend, hadn't contacted her in over six weeks. She was frustrated with the heat, with Kami, and with her work, but she was especially angry with Dick.
She had written to him three times,—each time proposing a fresh treatment of her Melancolia. Dick had taken no notice of these communications. She had resolved to write no more. When she returned to England in the autumn—for her pride’s sake she could not return earlier—she would speak to him. She missed the Sunday afternoon conferences more than she cared to admit. All that Kami said was, “Continuez, mademoiselle, continuez toujours,” and he had been repeating the wearisome counsel through the hot summer, exactly like a cicada,—an old gray cicada in a black alpaca coat, white trousers, and a huge felt hat. But Dick had tramped masterfully up and down her little studio north of the cool green London park, and had said things ten times worse than continuez, before he snatched the brush out of her hand and showed her where the error lay. His last letter, Maisie remembered, contained some trivial advice about not sketching in the sun or drinking water at wayside farmhouses; and he had said that not once, but three times,—as if he did not know that Maisie could take care of herself.
She had written to him three times, each time suggesting a new approach to her Melancolia. Dick had ignored these messages. She decided not to write again. When she returned to England in the fall—for the sake of her pride, she couldn't come back earlier—she would talk to him. She missed their Sunday afternoon meetings more than she wanted to admit. All Kami said was, "Continuez, mademoiselle, continuez toujours," and he had been monotonously repeating that through the hot summer, just like a cicada—an old gray cicada in a black alpaca coat, white trousers, and a big felt hat. But Dick had confidently paced around her little studio north of the cool green London park and had said things ten times worse than continuez, before grabbing the brush from her hand and pointing out where she went wrong. Her last letter from him, Maisie remembered, included some trivial advice about not sketching in the sun or drinking water at roadside farmhouses; he mentioned that not once, but three times—like he didn’t realize that Maisie could take care of herself.
But what was he doing, that he could not trouble to write? A murmur of voices in the road made her lean from the window. A cavalryman of the little garrison in the town was talking to Kami’s cook. The moonlight glittered on the scabbard of his sabre, which he was holding in his hand lest it should clank inopportunely. The cook’s cap cast deep shadows on her face, which was close to the conscript’s. He slid his arm round her waist, and there followed the sound of a kiss.
But what was he up to that he couldn't be bothered to write? A murmur of voices outside made her lean out the window. A cavalryman from the small town garrison was chatting with Kami’s cook. The moonlight shimmered on the scabbard of his saber, which he held in his hand to avoid it making noise at the wrong moment. The cook’s cap cast dark shadows over her face, which was close to the conscript’s. He wrapped his arm around her waist, and then there was the sound of a kiss.
“Faugh!” said Maisie, stepping back.
“Ugh!” said Maisie, stepping back.
“What’s that?” said the red-haired girl, who was tossing uneasily outside her bed.
“What’s that?” said the red-haired girl, who was tossing and turning restlessly in her bed.
“Only a conscript kissing the cook,” said Maisie.
“Just a draftee kissing the cook,” said Maisie.
“They’ve gone away now.” She leaned out of the window again, and put a shawl over her nightgown to guard against chills. There was a very small night-breeze abroad, and a sun-baked rose below nodded its head as one who knew unutterable secrets. Was it possible that Dick should turn his thoughts from her work and his own and descend to the degradation of Suzanne and the conscript? He could not! The rose nodded its head and one leaf therewith. It looked like a naughty little devil scratching its ear.
“They’ve left now.” She leaned out of the window again and draped a shawl over her nightgown to keep warm. There was a slight night breeze, and a sun-soaked rose below swayed as if it held unspoken secrets. Could Dick really shift his thoughts away from her work and his own to the shame of Suzanne and the conscript? He couldn’t! The rose swayed again, along with one of its leaves. It resembled a mischievous little devil scratching its ear.
Dick could not, “because,” thought Maisie, “he is mine,—mine,—mine. He said he was. I’m sure I don’t care what he does. It will only spoil his work if he does; and it will spoil mine too.”
Dick couldn't, “because,” thought Maisie, “he is mine,—mine,—mine. He said he was. I’m sure I don’t care what he does. It will only ruin his work if he does; and it will ruin mine too.”
The rose continued to nod in the futile way peculiar to flowers. There was no earthly reason why Dick should not disport himself as he chose, except that he was called by Providence, which was Maisie, to assist Maisie in her work. And her work was the preparation of pictures that went sometimes to English provincial exhibitions, as the notices in the scrap-book proved, and that were invariably rejected by the Salon when Kami was plagued into allowing her to send them up. Her work in the future, it seemed, would be the preparation of pictures on exactly similar lines which would be rejected in exactly the same way——The red-haired girl threshed distressfully across the sheets. “It’s too hot to sleep,” she moaned; and the interruption jarred.
The rose continued to nod in the pointless way that flowers do. There was no real reason for Dick not to enjoy himself as he liked, except that he was called by fate, represented by Maisie, to help her with her work. Her work involved preparing paintings that sometimes went to provincial exhibitions in England, as the notes in the scrapbook showed, and that were always rejected by the Salon when Kami reluctantly allowed her to submit them. It seemed her future work would involve creating paintings in the same style, which would be rejected in the same way—The red-haired girl anxiously shuffled across the sheets. “It’s too hot to sleep,” she complained, and the interruption felt jarring.
Exactly the same way. Then she would divide her years between the little studio in England and Kami’s big studio at Vitry-sur-Marne. No, she would go to another master, who should force her into the success that was her right, if patient toil and desperate endeavour gave one a right to anything. Dick had told her that he had worked ten years to understand his craft. She had worked ten years, and ten years were nothing. Dick had said that ten years were nothing,—but that was in regard to herself only. He had said—this very man who could not find time to write—that he would wait ten years for her, and that she was bound to come back to him sooner or later. He had said this in the absurd letter about sunstroke and diphtheria; and then he had stopped writing. He was wandering up and down moonlit streets, kissing cooks. She would like to lecture him now,—not in her nightgown, of course, but properly dressed, severely and from a height. Yet if he was kissing other girls he certainly would not care whether she lectured him or not. He would laugh at her. Very good.
Exactly the same way. Then she would split her time between the small studio in England and Kami’s large studio at Vitry-sur-Marne. No, she would go to another teacher who would push her into the success that she deserved, if hard work and desperate effort gave anyone a right to anything. Dick had told her that he spent ten years understanding his craft. She had spent ten years, and ten years were just a drop in the bucket. Dick had said that ten years didn’t mean much—but that was only regarding her own situation. He had claimed—this very man who couldn’t find time to write—that he would wait ten years for her, and that she was bound to return to him sooner or later. He had said this in that ridiculous letter about sunstroke and diphtheria; and then he had stopped writing. He was wandering through moonlit streets, kissing other girls. She would like to give him a piece of her mind now—not in her nightgown, of course, but dressed properly, with authority. Yet if he was kissing other girls, he certainly wouldn't care whether she lectured him or not. He would just laugh at her. Very well.
She would go back to her studio and prepare pictures that went, etc., etc.
She would return to her studio and get ready photos that went, etc., etc.
The mill-wheel of thought swung round slowly, that no section of it might be slurred over, and the red-haired girl tossed and turned behind her.
The wheel of thought turned slowly, making sure every part got its attention, while the red-haired girl tossed and turned behind her.
Maisie put her chin in her hands and decided that there could be no doubt whatever of the villainy of Dick. To justify herself, she began, unwomanly, to weigh the evidence. There was a boy, and he had said he loved her. And he kissed her,—kissed her on the cheek,—by a yellow sea-poppy that nodded its head exactly like the maddening dry rose in the garden. Then there was an interval, and men had told her that they loved her—just when she was busiest with her work. Then the boy came back, and at their very second meeting had told her that he loved her. Then he had—— But there was no end to the things he had done. He had given her his time and his powers. He had spoken to her of Art, housekeeping, technique, teacups, the abuse of pickles as a stimulant,—that was rude,—sable hair-brushes,—he had given her the best in her stock,—she used them daily; he had given her advice that she profited by, and now and again—a look. Such a look! The look of a beaten hound waiting for the word to crawl to his mistress’s feet. In return she had given him nothing whatever, except—here she brushed her mouth against the open-work sleeve of her nightgown—the privilege of kissing her once. And on the mouth, too. Disgraceful! Was that not enough, and more than enough? and if it was not, had he not cancelled the debt by not writing and—probably kissing other girls? “Maisie, you’ll catch a chill. Do go and lie down,” said the wearied voice of her companion. “I can’t sleep a wink with you at the window.”
Maisie rested her chin in her hands and was certain about Dick's villainy. To justify her feelings, she began to analyze the evidence, which felt unladylike. There was a boy who said he loved her and kissed her on the cheek by a yellow sea-poppy that swayed like the annoying dry rose in the garden. After a while, other men had told her they loved her, but only when she was deep into her work. Then the boy returned, and during their second meeting, he confessed his love for her. He had done so much for her—giving her his time and talent. He had talked to her about Art, housekeeping, technique, teacups, and even mentioned the misuse of pickles as a stimulant, which was rude. He had given her high-quality sable hairbrushes from her collection which she used every day; he offered her useful advice and occasionally—a look. What a look! The look of a beaten hound waiting for permission to crawl to his owner’s feet. In exchange, she had given him nothing except—for a fleeting moment, she brushed her mouth against the open-knit sleeve of her nightgown—the privilege of kissing her once. Even on the mouth! Shameful! Wasn’t that enough, maybe even too much? And if it wasn’t, hadn’t he erased the debt by not writing and probably kissing other girls? “Maisie, you’ll catch a chill. Please go lie down,” said her weary companion’s voice. “I can’t sleep a wink with you at the window.”
Maisie shrugged her shoulders and did not answer. She was reflecting on the meannesses of Dick, and on other meannesses with which he had nothing to do. The moonlight would not let her sleep. It lay on the skylight of the studio across the road in cold silver; she stared at it intently and her thoughts began to slide one into the other. The shadow of the big bell-handle in the wall grew short, lengthened again, and faded out as the moon went down behind the pasture and a hare came limping home across the road. Then the dawn-wind washed through the upland grasses, and brought coolness with it, and the cattle lowed by the drought-shrunk river. Maisie’s head fell forward on the window-sill, and the tangle of black hair covered her arms.
Maisie shrugged and stayed silent. She was thinking about Dick's cruelty, along with other cruelties that he had nothing to do with. The moonlight kept her awake. It shone on the skylight of the studio across the street in cold silver; she stared at it closely, and her thoughts started to merge together. The shadow of the large bell-handle on the wall grew shorter, then longer again, and finally disappeared as the moon set behind the field and a hare limped home across the road. Then the dawn wind swept through the tall grasses, bringing a refreshing coolness, and the cattle mooed by the drought-stricken river. Maisie's head dropped onto the windowsill, and her tangled black hair fell over her arms.
“Maisie, wake up. You’ll catch a chill.”
“Maisie, wake up. You’ll catch a cold.”
“Yes, dear; yes, dear.” She staggered to her bed like a wearied child, and as she buried her face in the pillows she muttered, “I think—I think....
“Yes, dear; yes, dear.” She stumbled to her bed like a tired child, and as she buried her face in the pillows, she muttered, “I think—I think....
But he ought to have written.”
But he should've written.
Day brought the routine of the studio, the smell of paint and turpentine, and the monotone wisdom of Kami, who was a leaden artist, but a golden teacher if the pupil were only in sympathy with him. Maisie was not in sympathy that day, and she waited impatiently for the end of the work. She knew when it was coming; for Kami would gather his black alpaca coat into a bunch behind him, and, with faded blue eyes that saw neither pupils nor canvas, look back into the past to recall the history of one Binat. “You have all done not so badly,” he would say. “But you shall remember that it is not enough to have the method, and the art, and the power, nor even that which is touch, but you shall have also the conviction that nails the work to the wall. Of the so many I taught,”—here the students would begin to unfix drawing-pins or get their tubes together,—“the very so many that I have taught, the best was Binat. All that comes of the study and the work and the knowledge was to him even when he came. After he left me he should have done all that could be done with the colour, the form, and the knowledge. Only, he had not the conviction. So to-day I hear no more of Binat,—the best of my pupils,—and that is long ago. So to-day, too, you will be glad to hear no more of me. Continuez, mesdemoiselles, and, above all, with conviction.”
Day brought the routine of the studio, the smell of paint and turpentine, and the monotonous wisdom of Kami, who was a heavy-handed artist but an excellent teacher if the student could connect with him. Maisie wasn't feeling that connection that day, and she impatiently awaited the end of the session. She knew it was approaching; Kami would gather his black alpaca coat behind him and, with faded blue eyes that saw neither students nor canvas, look back into the past to remember the story of one Binat. “You have all done reasonably well,” he would say. “But you should remember that it’s not enough to have the method, the art, and the skill, or even just the touch; you also need the conviction that drives the work home. Of all the students I taught,”—at this point, students would start to unpin their drawings or pack away their supplies,—“the very best was Binat. Everything that comes from study, hard work, and knowledge was obvious in him even from the start. After he left me, he should have accomplished everything possible with color, shape, and understanding. Yet, he lacked the conviction. So today I hear no more about Binat—the best of my students—and that was a long time ago. So today, too, you will be glad to hear no more from me. Continuez, mesdemoiselles, and, above all, do so with conviction.”
He went into the garden to smoke and mourn over the lost Binat as the pupils dispersed to their several cottages or loitered in the studio to make plans for the cool of the afternoon.
He went into the garden to smoke and grieve over the lost Binat as the students scattered to their cottages or hung around the studio to make plans for the cool of the afternoon.
Maisie looked at her very unhappy Melancolia, restrained a desire to grimace before it, and was hurrying across the road to write a letter to Dick, when she was aware of a large man on a white troop-horse. How Torpenhow had managed in the course of twenty hours to find his way to the hearts of the cavalry officers in quarters at Vitry-sur-Marne, to discuss with them the certainty of a glorious revenge for France, to reduce the colonel to tears of pure affability, and to borrow the best horse in the squadron for the journey to Kami’s studio, is a mystery that only special correspondents can unravel.
Maisie looked at her very unhappy Melancolia, held back the urge to grimace at it, and was hurrying across the street to write a letter to Dick when she noticed a large man on a white cavalry horse. How Torpenhow had, in just twenty hours, managed to win over the hearts of the cavalry officers stationed at Vitry-sur-Marne, to discuss with them the certainty of a glorious revenge for France, to bring the colonel to tears of pure friendliness, and to borrow the best horse in the squadron for the trip to Kami’s studio, is a mystery that only special correspondents can solve.
“I beg your pardon,” said he. “It seems an absurd question to ask, but the fact is that I don’t know her by any other name: Is there any young lady here that is called Maisie?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know this seems like a silly question, but the truth is, I don’t know her by any other name: Is there any young woman here named Maisie?”
“I am Maisie,” was the answer from the depths of a great sun-hat.
“I’m Maisie,” came the reply from under a big sun hat.
“I ought to introduce myself,” he said, as the horse capered in the blinding white dust. “My name is Torpenhow. Dick Heldar is my best friend, and—and—the fact is that he has gone blind.”
“I should introduce myself,” he said, as the horse pranced in the blinding white dust. “My name is Torpenhow. Dick Heldar is my best friend, and—and—the truth is that he has gone blind.”
“Blind!” said Maisie, stupidly. “He can’t be blind.”
“Blind!” said Maisie, foolishly. “He can’t be blind.”
“He has been stone-blind for nearly two months.”
“He has been completely blind for almost two months.”
Maisie lifted up her face, and it was pearly white. “No! No! Not blind! I won’t have him blind!”
Maisie lifted her face, and it was bright white. “No! No! Not blind! I won’t let him be blind!”
“Would you care to see for yourself?” said Torpenhow.
“Would you like to see for yourself?” said Torpenhow.
“Now,—at once?”
“Now—right now?”
“Oh, no! The Paris train doesn’t go through this place till to-night. There will be ample time.”
“Oh, no! The Paris train doesn’t come through here until tonight. There will be plenty of time.”
“Did Mr. Heldar send you to me?”
“Did Mr. Heldar send you to see me?”
“Certainly not. Dick wouldn’t do that sort of thing. He’s sitting in his studio, turning over some letters that he can’t read because he’s blind.”
“Definitely not. Dick wouldn’t do that kind of thing. He’s sitting in his studio, going through some letters that he can’t read because he’s blind.”
There was a sound of choking from the sun-hat. Maisie bowed her head and went into the cottage, where the red-haired girl was on a sofa, complaining of a headache.
There was a choking noise coming from the woman in the sun hat. Maisie lowered her head and walked into the cottage, where the red-haired girl was lying on a sofa, saying she had a headache.
“Dick’s blind!” said Maisie, taking her breath quickly as she steadied herself against a chair-back. “My Dick’s blind!”
“Dick’s blind!” said Maisie, catching her breath as she leaned against the back of a chair. “My Dick’s blind!”
“What?” The girl was on the sofa no longer.
“What?” The girl wasn't on the sofa anymore.
“A man has come from England to tell me. He hasn’t written to me for six weeks.”
“A man has come from England to tell me. He hasn’t written to me in six weeks.”
“Are you going to him?”
“Are you going to see him?”
“I must think.”
"I need to think."
“Think! I should go back to London and see him and I should kiss his eyes and kiss them and kiss them until they got well again! If you don’t go I shall. Oh, what am I talking about? You wicked little idiot! Go to him at once. Go!”
“Think! I should go back to London and see him and I should kiss his eyes and kiss them and kiss them until they get better again! If you don’t go, I will. Oh, what am I saying? You silly little idiot! Go to him right now. Go!”
Torpenhow’s neck was blistering, but he preserved a smile of infinite patience as Maisie’s appeared bareheaded in the sunshine.
Torpenhow’s neck was burning, but he managed to keep a smile of endless patience as Maisie’s face appeared bareheaded in the sunlight.
“I am coming,” said she, her eyes on the ground.
“I’m coming,” she said, looking at the ground.
“You will be at Vitry Station, then, at seven this evening.” This was an order delivered by one who was used to being obeyed. Maisie said nothing, but she felt grateful that there was no chance of disputing with this big man who took everything for granted and managed a squealing horse with one hand. She returned to the red-haired girl, who was weeping bitterly, and between tears, kisses,—very few of those,—menthol, packing, and an interview with Kami, the sultry afternoon wore away.
“You will be at Vitry Station, then, at seven this evening.” This was a command from someone who was used to being followed. Maisie said nothing, but she felt relieved that there was no opportunity to argue with this large man who took everything for granted and handled a noisy horse with one hand. She went back to the red-haired girl, who was crying hard, and between tears, kisses—very few of those—menthol, packing, and a chat with Kami, the hot afternoon passed by.
Thought might come afterwards. Her present duty was to go to Dick,—Dick who owned the wondrous friend and sat in the dark playing with her unopened letters.
Thought might come later. Her main task right now was to go to Dick—Dick, who had the amazing friend and was sitting in the dark, playing with her unopened letters.
“But what will you do,” she said to her companion.
“But what will you do?” she asked her friend.
“I? Oh, I shall stay here and—finish your Melancolia,” she said, smiling pitifully. “Write to me afterwards.”
“I? Oh, I’ll stay here and—finish your Melancolia,” she said, smiling sadly. “Write to me afterwards.”
That night there ran a legend through Vitry-sur-Marne of a mad Englishman, doubtless suffering from sunstroke, who had drunk all the officers of the garrison under the table, had borrowed a horse from the lines, and had then and there eloped, after the English custom, with one of those more mad English girls who drew pictures down there under the care of that good Monsieur Kami.
That night, a story spread through Vitry-sur-Marne about a crazy Englishman, probably suffering from heatstroke, who outdrank all the officers of the garrison, borrowed a horse from the ranks, and then eloped, in true English fashion, with one of those equally crazy English girls who sketched over there under the guidance of that nice Monsieur Kami.
“They are very droll,” said Suzanne to the conscript in the moonlight by the studio wall. “She walked always with those big eyes that saw nothing, and yet she kisses me on both cheeks as though she were my sister, and gives me—see—ten francs!”
“They're really funny,” said Suzanne to the recruit in the moonlight by the studio wall. “She always walked around with those big eyes that didn’t see anything, and yet she kisses me on both cheeks like I'm her sister, and she gives me—look—ten francs!”
The conscript levied a contribution on both gifts; for he prided himself on being a good soldier.
The recruit imposed a charge on both gifts because he took pride in being a good soldier.
Torpenhow spoke very little to Maisie during the journey to Calais; but he was careful to attend to all her wants, to get her a compartment entirely to herself, and to leave her alone. He was amazed of the ease with which the matter had been accomplished.
Torpenhow didn’t talk much to Maisie on the way to Calais; however, he made sure to take care of all her needs, secured a whole compartment just for her, and gave her space. He was surprised by how easily everything had been arranged.
“The safest thing would be to let her think things out. By Dick’s showing,—when he was off his head,—she must have ordered him about very thoroughly. Wonder how she likes being under orders.”
“The best move would be to let her figure things out. From what Dick showed us—when he was losing it—she must have really had him under her thumb. I wonder how she feels about being in charge.”
Maisie never told. She sat in the empty compartment often with her eyes shut, that she might realise the sensation of blindness. It was an order that she should return to London swiftly, and she found herself at last almost beginning to enjoy the situation. This was better than looking after luggage and a red-haired friend who never took any interest in her surroundings. But there appeared to be a feeling in the air that she, Maisie,—of all people,—was in disgrace. Therefore she justified her conduct to herself with great success, till Torpenhow came up to her on the steamer and without preface began to tell the story of Dick’s blindness, suppressing a few details, but dwelling at length on the miseries of delirium. He stopped before he reached the end, as though he had lost interest in the subject, and went forward to smoke. Maisie was furious with him and with herself.
Maisie never spoke about it. She often sat in the empty compartment with her eyes closed, trying to experience the feeling of being blind. She had been ordered to return to London quickly, and surprisingly, she began to enjoy the situation. It was better than managing luggage and a red-haired friend who showed no interest in her surroundings. However, there was a sense in the air that she, Maisie—of all people—was in trouble. So, she managed to rationalize her behavior to herself quite effectively until Torpenhow approached her on the steamer and, without any introduction, started sharing the story of Dick’s blindness. He left out a few details but focused extensively on the torments of delirium. He stopped before finishing, as if he had lost interest, and went ahead to smoke. Maisie was furious with both him and herself.
She was hurried on from Dover to London almost before she could ask for breakfast, and—she was past any feeling of indignation now—was bidden curtly to wait in a hall at the foot of some lead-covered stairs while Torpenhow went up to make inquiries. Again the knowledge that she was being treated like a naughty little girl made her pale cheeks flame. It was all Dick’s fault for being so stupid as to go blind.
She was rushed from Dover to London almost before she could ask for breakfast, and—she was beyond feeling angry now—was told sharply to wait in a hall at the bottom of some lead-covered stairs while Torpenhow went up to make inquiries. Again, the realization that she was being treated like a naughty little girl made her cheeks flush with embarrassment. It was all Dick’s fault for being foolish enough to go blind.
Torpenhow led her up to a shut door, which he opened very softly. Dick was sitting by the window, with his chin on his chest. There were three envelopes in his hand, and he turned them over and over. The big man who gave orders was no longer by her side, and the studio door snapped behind her.
Torpenhow guided her to a closed door and opened it gently. Dick was sitting by the window, with his chin resting on his chest. He had three envelopes in his hand, and he kept turning them over. The big man who was in charge was no longer beside her, and the studio door shut behind her.
Dick thrust the letters into his pocket as he heard the sound. “Hullo, Torp! Is that you? I’ve been so lonely.”
Dick shoved the letters into his pocket as he heard the noise. “Hey, Torp! Is that you? I've been so lonely.”
His voice had taken the peculiar flatness of the blind. Maisie pressed herself up into a corner of the room. Her heart was beating furiously, and she put one hand on her breast to keep it quiet. Dick was staring directly at her, and she realised for the first time that he was blind. Shutting her eyes in a railway-carriage to open them when she pleased was child’s play. This man was blind though his eyes were wide open.
His voice had a strange flatness that reminded her of the blind. Maisie pressed herself into a corner of the room. Her heart was racing, and she placed a hand on her chest to calm it down. Dick was staring right at her, and for the first time, she realized he was blind. Closing her eyes in a train carriage to open them whenever she wanted was easy. This man was blind, even though his eyes were wide open.
“Torp, is that you? They said you were coming.” Dick looked puzzled and a little irritated at the silence.
“Torp, is that you? They said you were coming.” Dick looked confused and a bit annoyed by the silence.
“No; it’s only me,” was the answer, in a strained little whisper. Maisie could hardly move her lips.
“No; it’s just me,” came the response, in a tight little whisper. Maisie could barely move her lips.
“H’m!” said Dick, composedly, without moving. “This is a new phenomenon. Darkness I’m getting used to; but I object to hearing voices.”
“H’m!” said Dick, calmly, without moving. “This is a new situation. I'm getting used to the darkness, but I don’t like hearing voices.”
Was he mad, then, as well as blind, that he talked to himself? Maisie’s heart beat more wildly, and she breathed in gasps. Dick rose and began to feel his way across the room, touching each table and chair as he passed. Once he caught his foot on a rug, and swore, dropping on his knees to feel what the obstruction might be. Maisie remembered him walking in the Park as though all the earth belonged to him, tramping up and down her studio two months ago, and flying up the gangway of the Channel steamer. The beating of her heart was making her sick, and Dick was coming nearer, guided by the sound of her breathing. She put out a hand mechanically to ward him off or to draw him to herself, she did not know which. It touched his chest, and he stepped back as though he had been shot.
Was he crazy, then, as well as blind, that he talked to himself? Maisie’s heart raced faster, and she gasped for air. Dick stood up and started to move around the room, touching each table and chair as he went. At one point, he tripped over a rug, cursing as he dropped to his knees to see what had caused the stumble. Maisie remembered him walking in the Park as if the entire world belonged to him, stomping around her studio two months ago, and rushing up the gangway of the Channel steamer. The pounding of her heart was making her feel nauseous, and Dick was getting closer, following the sound of her breathing. She reached out a hand instinctively to either push him away or pull him closer; she wasn’t sure which. It landed on his chest, and he stepped back like he had been hit.
“It’s Maisie!” said he, with a dry sob. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s Maisie!” he said, with a dry sob. “What are you doing here?”
“I came—I came—to see you, please.”
“I came—I came—to see you, please.”
Dick’s lips closed firmly.
Dick's lips pressed together.
“Won’t you sit down, then? You see, I’ve had some bother with my eyes, and——”
“Won’t you sit down? You see, I’ve been having some trouble with my eyes, and——”
“I know. I know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I know. I know. Why didn't you say anything?”
“I couldn’t write.”
"I couldn't write."
“You might have told Mr. Torpenhow.”
“You might have mentioned it to Mr. Torpenhow.”
“What has he to do with my affairs?”
“What does he have to do with my business?”
“He—he brought me from Vitry-sur-Marne. He thought I ought to see you.”
“He—he brought me from Vitry-sur-Marne. He thought I should see you.”
“Why, what has happened? Can I do anything for you? No, I can’t. I forgot.”
“Why, what happened? Is there anything I can do for you? No, I can’t. I forgot.”
“Oh, Dick, I’m so sorry! I’ve come to tell you, and—— Let me take you back to your chair.”
“Oh, Dick, I’m really sorry! I came to tell you, and—— Let me help you back to your chair.”
“Don’t! I’m not a child. You only do that out of pity. I never meant to tell you anything about it. I’m no good now. I’m down and done for. Let me alone!”
“Don’t! I’m not a kid. You only do that because you feel sorry for me. I never wanted to tell you anything about it. I’m not any good now. I’m finished and hopeless. Just leave me alone!”
He groped back to his chair, his chest labouring as he sat down.
He stumbled back to his chair, his chest heavy as he sat down.
Maisie watched him, and the fear went out of her heart, to be followed by a very bitter shame. He had spoken a truth that had been hidden from the girl through every step of the impetuous flight to London; for he was, indeed, down and done for—masterful no longer but rather a little abject; neither an artist stronger than she, nor a man to be looked up to—only some blind one that sat in a chair and seemed on the point of crying. She was immensely and unfeignedly sorry for him—more sorry than she had ever been for any one in her life, but not sorry enough to deny his words.
Maisie watched him, and the fear melted away from her heart, replaced by a deep bitterness and shame. He had revealed a truth that had been hidden from her during their reckless journey to London; he was really down and out—no longer powerful, but rather a little pitiful; neither an artist greater than her nor a man to admire—just someone blind who sat in a chair and looked like he was about to cry. She felt genuinely and profoundly sorry for him—more sorry than she had ever been for anyone in her life, but not so sorry that she could deny his words.
So she stood still and felt ashamed and a little hurt, because she had honestly intended that her journey should end triumphantly; and now she was only filled with pity most startlingly distinct from love.
So she stood there, feeling ashamed and a bit hurt because she had genuinely hoped her journey would end in triumph; instead, she was filled with a kind of pity that was surprisingly different from love.
“Well?” said Dick, his face steadily turned away. “I never meant to worry you any more. What’s the matter?”
“Well?” Dick said, keeping his face turned away. “I never meant to bother you again. What’s wrong?”
He was conscious that Maisie was catching her breath, but was as unprepared as herself for the torrent of emotion that followed. She had dropped into a chair and was sobbing with her face hidden in her hands.
He realized that Maisie was trying to catch her breath, but he was just as unprepared as she was for the wave of emotion that came next. She had plopped down in a chair and was crying with her face buried in her hands.
“I can’t—I can’t!” she cried desperately. “Indeed, I can’t. It isn’t my fault.
“I can't—I can't!” she cried desperately. “Seriously, I can't. It's not my fault.
I’m so sorry. Oh, Dickie, I’m so sorry.”
I’m really sorry. Oh, Dickie, I’m so sorry.”
Dick’s shoulders straightened again, for the words lashed like a whip.
Dick’s shoulders straightened again, as the words stung like a whip.
Still the sobbing continued. It is not good to realise that you have failed in the hour of trial or flinched before the mere possibility of making sacrifices.
Still, the sobbing went on. It’s not good to realize that you’ve failed in a moment of trial or backed down at the mere thought of making sacrifices.
“I do despise myself—indeed I do. But I can’t. Oh, Dickie, you wouldn’t ask me—would you?” wailed Maisie.
“I really hate myself—I truly do. But I can’t. Oh, Dickie, you wouldn’t ask me to—would you?” cried Maisie.
She looked up for a minute, and by chance it happened that Dick’s eyes fell on hers. The unshaven face was very white and set, and the lips were trying to force themselves into a smile. But it was the worn-out eyes that Maisie feared. Her Dick had gone blind and left in his place some one that she could hardly recognise till he spoke.
She looked up for a moment, and by chance, Dick's eyes met hers. His unshaven face was pale and tense, and his lips were attempting to curl into a smile. But it was his tired eyes that worried Maisie. Her Dick had gone blind, and in his place was someone she could barely recognize until he spoke.
“Who is asking you to do anything, Maisie? I told you how it would be.
“Who’s asking you to do anything, Maisie? I told you how it would be."
What’s the use of worrying? For pity’s sake don’t cry like that; it isn’t worth it.”
What’s the point of worrying? For heaven’s sake, don’t cry like that; it’s not worth it.
“You don’t know how I hate myself. Oh, Dick, help me—help me!” The passion of tears had grown beyond her control and was beginning to alarm the man. He stumbled forward and put his arm round her, and her head fell on his shoulder.
“You don’t know how much I hate myself. Oh, Dick, please help me—help me!” The intensity of her tears had overwhelmed her, and it was starting to worry him. He stepped closer and wrapped his arm around her, and her head rested on his shoulder.
“Hush, dear, hush! Don’t cry. You’re quite right, and you’ve nothing to reproach yourself with—you never had. You’re only a little upset by the journey, and I don’t suppose you’ve had any breakfast. What a brute Torp was to bring you over.”
“Hush, dear, hush! Don’t cry. You’re absolutely right, and you have nothing to feel guilty about—you never did. You’re just a bit shaken up from the trip, and I doubt you’ve had any breakfast. What a jerk Torp was to bring you here.”
“I wanted to come. I did indeed,” she protested.
“I wanted to come. I really did,” she protested.
“Very well. And now you’ve come and seen, and I’m—immensely grateful.
“Alright. Now that you’ve come and seen, I’m really grateful.”
When you’re better you shall go away and get something to eat. What sort of a passage did you have coming over?”
When you feel better, you should go out and grab something to eat. How was your trip over here?
Maisie was crying more subduedly, for the first time in her life glad that she had something to lean against. Dick patted her on the shoulder tenderly but clumsily, for he was not quite sure where her shoulder might be.
Maisie was crying more quietly, feeling for the first time in her life grateful that she had something to lean on. Dick gave her shoulder a gentle but awkward pat, unsure exactly where her shoulder was.
She drew herself out of his arms at last and waited, trembling and most unhappy. He had felt his way to the window to put the width of the room between them, and to quiet a little the tumult in his heart.
She finally pulled herself out of his arms and waited, trembling and very unhappy. He had made his way to the window to put some distance between them and to calm the chaos in his heart a bit.
“Are you better now?” he said.
“Are you feeling better now?” he asked.
“Yes, but—don’t you hate me?”
“Yes, but—don’t you dislike me?”
“I hate you? My God! I?”
“I hate you? Oh my God! Me?”
“Isn’t—isn’t there anything I could do for you, then? I’ll stay here in England to do it, if you like. Perhaps I could come and see you sometimes.”
“Isn’t there anything I could do for you, then? I’ll stay here in England to do it if you want. Maybe I could come and see you sometimes.”
“I think not, dear. It would be kindest not to see me any more, please. I don’t want to seem rude, but—don’t you think—perhaps you had almost better go now.”
“I don’t think so, dear. It would be nicer if we didn’t see each other anymore, please. I don’t want to come off as rude, but—don’t you think—it might be better if you left now.”
He was conscious that he could not bear himself as a man if the strain continued much longer.
He realized that he couldn't hold up as a man if the pressure went on much longer.
“I don’t deserve anything else. I’ll go, Dick. Oh, I’m so miserable.”
“I don’t deserve anything more. I’ll leave, Dick. Oh, I’m so unhappy.”
“Nonsense. You’ve nothing to worry about; I’d tell you if you had. Wait a moment, dear. I’ve got something to give you first. I meant it for you ever since this little trouble began. It’s my Melancolia; she was a beauty when I last saw her. You can keep her for me, and if ever you’re poor you can sell her. She’s worth a few hundreds at any state of the market.” He groped among his canvases. “She’s framed in black. Is this a black frame that I have my hand on? There she is. What do you think of her?”
“Nonsense. You have nothing to worry about; I’d let you know if you did. Just wait a moment, dear. I have something to give you first. I meant to give it to you since this little trouble started. It’s my Melancolia; she was a real beauty the last time I saw her. You can hold onto her for me, and if you ever find yourself in need, you can sell her. She’s worth a few hundred no matter the market conditions.” He rummaged through his canvases. “She’s framed in black. Is this a black frame I’m touching? There she is. What do you think?”
He turned a scarred formless muddle of paint towards Maisie, and the eyes strained as though they would catch her wonder and surprise. One thing and one thing only could she do for him.
He turned a messy, scarred mess of paint towards Maisie, and the eyes seemed to try to capture her wonder and surprise. There was only one thing she could do for him.
“Well?”
“Well?”
The voice was fuller and more rounded, because the man knew he was speaking of his best work. Maisie looked at the blur, and a lunatic desire to laugh caught her by the throat. But for Dick’s sake—whatever this mad blankness might mean—she must make no sign. Her voice choked with hard-held tears as she answered, still gazing at the wreck—
The voice was richer and more complete because the man knew he was talking about his greatest work. Maisie stared at the blur, and an overwhelming urge to laugh gripped her. But for Dick’s sake—whatever this crazy emptiness meant—she couldn’t show any reaction. Her voice broke with repressed tears as she replied, still looking at the wreck—
“Oh, Dick, it is good!”
“Oh, Dick, it’s great!”
He heard the little hysterical gulp and took it for tribute. “Won’t you have it, then? I’ll send it over to your house if you will.”
He heard the small, frantic gasp and took it as a sign of respect. “Won’t you accept it, then? I’ll have it delivered to your house if you’d like.”
“I? Oh yes—thank you. Ha! ha!” If she did not fly at once the laughter that was worse than tears would kill her. She turned and ran, choking and blinded, down the staircases that were empty of life to take refuge in a cab and go to her house across the Parks. There she sat down in the dismantled drawing-room and thought of Dick in his blindness, useless till the end of life, and of herself in her own eyes. Behind the sorrow, the shame, and the humiliation, lay fear of the cold wrath of the red-haired girl when Maisie should return. Maisie had never feared her companion before. Not until she found herself saying, “Well, he never asked me,” did she realise her scorn of herself.
“I? Oh yes—thank you. Ha! ha!” If she didn’t leave right away, the laughter that felt worse than tears would consume her. She turned and ran, choking and tearful, down the empty staircases to catch a cab and go to her house across the Parks. There, she sat down in the dismantled living room and thought of Dick in his blindness, useless for the rest of his life, and about how she saw herself. Behind the sorrow, shame, and humiliation was the fear of the cold anger from the red-haired girl when Maisie returned. Maisie had never been afraid of her friend before. Not until she found herself saying, “Well, he never asked me,” did she realize how much she looked down on herself.
And that is the end of Maisie.
And that’s the end of Maisie.
For Dick was reserved more searching torment. He could not realise at first that Maisie, whom he had ordered to go had left him without a word of farewell. He was savagely angry against Torpenhow, who had brought upon him this humiliation and troubled his miserable peace. Then his dark hour came and he was alone with himself and his desires to get what help he could from the darkness. The queen could do no wrong, but in following the right, so far as it served her work, she had wounded her one subject more than his own brain would let him know.
For Dick, it was a reserved and relentless torment. At first, he couldn’t grasp that Maisie, whom he had ordered to leave, had done so without a single goodbye. He was fiercely angry at Torpenhow, who had caused this humiliation and disrupted his already miserable peace. Then came his darkest hour, and he found himself alone with his thoughts, seeking any solace he could from the shadows. The queen could do no wrong, but in pursuing what was right, as long as it served her purpose, she had hurt her only subject more than he could acknowledge.
“It’s all I had and I’ve lost it,” he said, as soon as the misery permitted clear thinking. “And Torp will think that he has been so infernally clever that I shan’t have the heart to tell him. I must think this out quietly.”
“It’s all I had and I’ve lost it,” he said, as soon as the misery allowed him to think clearly. “And Torp will think he’s been so incredibly smart that I won’t have the heart to tell him. I need to figure this out calmly.”
“Hullo!” said Torpenhow, entering the studio after Dick had enjoyed two hours of thought. “I’m back. Are you feeling any better?”
“Hey!” said Torpenhow, walking into the studio after Dick had spent two hours deep in thought. “I’m back. Are you feeling any better?”
“Torp, I don’t know what to say. Come here.” Dick coughed huskily, wondering, indeed, what he should say, and how to say it temperately.
“Torp, I’m not sure what to say. Come here.” Dick coughed roughly, really wondering what he should say and how to say it calmly.
“What’s the need for saying anything? Get up and tramp.” Torpenhow was perfectly satisfied.
“What’s the point of saying anything? Just get up and go.” Torpenhow was completely satisfied.
They walked up and down as of custom, Torpenhow’s hand on Dick’s shoulder, and Dick buried in his own thoughts.
They strolled back and forth as usual, Torpenhow’s hand on Dick’s shoulder, while Dick was lost in his own thoughts.
“How in the world did you find it all out?” said Dick, at last.
“How on earth did you figure it all out?” said Dick, finally.
“You shouldn’t go off your head if you want to keep secrets, Dickie. It was absolutely impertinent on my part; but if you’d seen me rocketing about on a half-trained French troop-horse under a blazing sun you’d have laughed. There will be a charivari in my rooms to-night. Seven other devils——”
“You shouldn’t lose your cool if you want to keep secrets, Dickie. It was completely rude of me; but if you’d seen me flying around on a half-trained French troop horse under a scorching sun, you’d have laughed. There will be a party in my rooms tonight. Seven other troublemakers—”
“I know—the row in the Southern Soudan. I surprised their councils the other day, and it made me unhappy. Have you fixed your flint to go? Who d’you work for?”
“I know—the conflict in Southern Sudan. I caught their councils off guard the other day, and it made me feel uneasy. Have you prepped your flint to leave? Who do you work for?”
“Haven’t signed any contracts yet. I wanted to see how your business would turn out.”
“Haven’t signed any contracts yet. I wanted to see how your business would go.”
“Would you have stayed with me, then, if—things had gone wrong?” He put his question cautiously.
“Would you have stayed with me, then, if things had gone wrong?” He asked his question carefully.
“Don’t ask me too much. I’m only a man.”
“Don’t ask me for too much. I’m just a man.”
“You’ve tried to be an angel very successfully.”
"You've done a great job of trying to be an angel."
“Oh ye—es!... Well, do you attend the function to-night? We shall be half screwed before the morning. All the men believe the war’s a certainty.”
“Oh yes!... So, are you going to the party tonight? We’ll be half drunk by morning. All the guys think the war is a sure thing.”
“I don’t think I will, old man, if it’s all the same to you. I’ll stay quiet here.”
“I don’t think I will, old man, if that’s okay with you. I’ll just keep quiet here.”
“And meditate? I don’t blame you. You observe a good time if ever a man did.”
“And meditate? I get it. You’re having a good time, if there ever was a man who did.”
That night there was a tumult on the stairs. The correspondents poured in from theatre, dinner, and music-hall to Torpenhow’s room that they might discuss their plan of campaign in the event of military operations becoming a certainty. Torpenhow, the Keneu, and the Nilghai had bidden all the men they had worked with to the orgy; and Mr. Beeton, the housekeeper, declared that never before in his checkered experience had he seen quite such a fancy lot of gentlemen. They waked the chambers with shoutings and song; and the elder men were quite as bad as the younger. For the chances of war were in front of them, and all knew what those meant.
That night, there was a commotion on the stairs. The reporters came pouring in from the theater, dinner, and the music hall to Torpenhow’s room so they could discuss their strategy in case military operations became a reality. Torpenhow, the Keneu, and the Nilghai had invited all the men they had worked with to join the party; and Mr. Beeton, the housekeeper, said that he had never seen such a lively group of gentlemen in all his varied experiences. They filled the rooms with shouts and songs; and the older men were just as rowdy as the younger ones. The possibility of war loomed ahead of them, and everyone knew what that entailed.
Sitting in his own room a little perplexed by the noise across the landing, Dick suddenly began to laugh to himself.
Sitting in his own room, a bit confused by the noise from across the hall, Dick suddenly started laughing to himself.
“When one comes to think of it the situation is intensely comic. Maisie’s quite right—poor little thing. I didn’t know she could cry like that before; but now I know what Torp thinks, I’m sure he’d be quite fool enough to stay at home and try to console me—if he knew. Besides, it isn’t nice to own that you’ve been thrown over like a broken chair. I must carry this business through alone—as usual. If there isn’t a war, and Torp finds out, I shall look foolish, that’s all. If there is a way I mustn’t interfere with another man’s chances. Business is business, and I want to be alone—I want to be alone. What a row they’re making!”
“When you really think about it, the situation is pretty funny. Maisie’s completely right—poor little thing. I didn’t know she could cry like that before; but now that I know what Torp thinks, I’m sure he’d be silly enough to stay home and try to comfort me—if he knew. Plus, it’s not great to admit that you’ve been dumped like a piece of old furniture. I have to handle this on my own—as usual. If there isn’t a war and Torp finds out, I’ll just look silly, that’s all. If there is a chance, I shouldn’t mess with another man’s opportunities. Business is business, and I want to be alone—I want to be alone. What a racket they’re making!”
Somebody hammered at the studio door.
Somebody knocked urgently on the studio door.
“Come out and frolic, Dickie,” said the Nilghai.
“Come out and play, Dickie,” said the Nilghai.
“I should like to, but I can’t. I’m not feeling frolicsome.”
“I'd love to, but I can’t. I’m not in a playful mood.”
“Then, I’ll tell the boys and they’ll drag you like a badger.”
“Then, I’ll tell the guys and they’ll haul you off like a badger.”
“Please not, old man. On my word, I’d sooner be left alone just now.”
“Please don’t, old man. Honestly, I’d rather be left alone right now.”
“Very good. Can we send anything in to you? Fizz, for instance.
“Very good. Can we send anything to you? Like soda, for example?”
Cassavetti is beginning to sing songs of the Sunny South already.”
Cassavetti is already starting to sing songs about the Sunny South.
For one minute Dick considered the proposition seriously.
For a minute, Dick thought about the suggestion seriously.
“No, thanks, I’ve a headache already.”
“No, thanks, I already have a headache.”
“Virtuous child. That’s the effect of emotion on the young. All my congratulations, Dick. I also was concerned in the conspiracy for your welfare.”
“Good kid. That’s how emotions play out with young people. Congrats, Dick. I was also part of the plan for your well-being.”
“Go to the devil—oh, send Binkie in here.”
“Go to hell—oh, send Binkie in here.”
The little dog entered on elastic feet, riotous from having been made much of all the evening. He had helped to sing the choruses; but scarcely inside the studio he realised that this was no place for tail-wagging, and settled himself on Dick’s lap till it was bedtime. Then he went to bed with Dick, who counted every hour as it struck, and rose in the morning with a painfully clear head to receive Torpenhow’s more formal congratulations and a particular account of the last night’s revels.
The little dog came in on springy feet, excited from all the attention he’d received that evening. He had participated in singing the choruses, but as soon as he was inside the studio, he understood that this wasn’t a place for wagging his tail and curled up on Dick’s lap until it was bedtime. Then he went to bed with Dick, who counted each hour as it chimed, and woke up in the morning with a painfully clear head to hear Torpenhow’s more formal congratulations and a detailed recap of the previous night’s festivities.
“You aren’t looking very happy for a newly accepted man,” said Torpenhow.
“You don’t look very happy for a guy who just got accepted,” said Torpenhow.
“Never mind that—it’s my own affair, and I’m all right. Do you really go?”
“Don't worry about that—it's my own business, and I'm fine. Are you really leaving?”
“Yes. With the old Central Southern as usual. They wired, and I accepted on better terms than before.”
“Yes. Same as always with the old Central Southern. They sent a message, and I agreed to terms that were better than before.”
“When do you start?”
“When do you begin?”
“The day after to-morrow—for Brindisi.”
“Day after tomorrow—for Brindisi.”
“Thank God.” Dick spoke from the bottom of his heart.
“Thank God,” Dick said sincerely.
“Well, that’s not a pretty way of saying you’re glad to get rid of me. But men in your condition are allowed to be selfish.”
“Well, that’s not a nice way to say you’re happy to see me go. But guys in your situation can be selfish.”
“I didn’t mean that. Will you get a hundred pounds cashed for me before you leave?”
“I didn't mean that. Can you get a hundred pounds cashed for me before you leave?”
“That’s a slender amount for housekeeping, isn’t it?”
"That's a small amount for cleaning, isn't it?"
“Oh, it’s only for—marriage expenses.”
“Oh, it’s just for—wedding costs.”
Torpenhow brought him the money, counted it out in fives and tens, and carefully put it away in the writing table.
Torpenhow brought him the cash, counted it out in fives and tens, and carefully put it away in the desk.
“Now I suppose I shall have to listen to his ravings about his girl until I go. Heaven send us patience with a man in love!” he said to himself.
“Now I guess I’ll have to listen to him go on about his girl until I leave. God give us patience with a guy in love!” he said to himself.
But never a word did Dick say of Maisie or marriage. He hung in the doorway of Torpenhow’s room when the latter was packing and asked innumerable questions about the coming campaign, till Torpenhow began to feel annoyed.
But Dick never mentioned Maisie or marriage. He leaned in the doorway of Torpenhow’s room while the latter was packing and asked countless questions about the upcoming campaign, until Torpenhow started to feel irritated.
“You’re a secretive animal, Dickie, and you consume your own smoke, don’t you?” he said on the last evening.
“You're a mysterious guy, Dickie, and you take in your own smoke, don’t you?” he said on the last evening.
“I—I suppose so. By the way, how long do you think this war will last?”
“I—I guess so. By the way, how long do you think this war will go on?”
“Days, weeks, or months. One can never tell. It may go on for years.”
“Days, weeks, or months. You can never know. It might last for years.”
“I wish I were going.”
“I wish I was going.”
“Good Heavens! You’re the most unaccountable creature! Hasn’t it occurred to you that you’re going to be married—thanks to me?”
“Wow! You’re the most unpredictable person! Haven’t you realized that you’re getting married—because of me?”
“Of course, yes. I’m going to be married—so I am. Going to be married.
“Of course, yes. I’m getting married—so I am. Getting married.
I’m awfully grateful to you. Haven’t I told you that?”
I’m really grateful to you. Haven’t I mentioned that?
“You might be going to be hanged by the look of you,” said Torpenhow.
“You look like you’re about to be hanged,” said Torpenhow.
And the next day Torpenhow bade him good-bye and left him to the loneliness he had so much desired.
And the next day, Torpenhow said goodbye and left him to the solitude he had longed for.
CHAPTER XIV
Yet at the last, ere our spearmen had found him,
Yet at the last, ere a sword-thrust could save,
Yet at the last, with his masters around him,
He of the Faith spoke as master to slave;
Yet at the last, tho’ the Kafirs had maimed him,
Broken by bondage and wrecked by the reiver,—
Yet at the last, tho’ the darkness had claimed him,
He called upon Allah and died a believer.
—Kizzilbashi.
Yet at the end, before our soldiers found him,
Yet at the end, before a sword-thrust could save him,
Yet at the end, with his masters around him,
He of the Faith spoke as a master to a slave;
Yet at the end, though the Kafirs had wounded him,
Broken by bondage and ruined by the raider,—
Yet at the end, though the darkness had taken him,
He called upon Allah and died as a believer.
—Kizzilbashi.
“Beg your pardon, Mr. Heldar, but—but isn’t nothin’ going to happen?” said Mr. Beeton.
“Excuse me, Mr. Heldar, but—isn’t anything going to happen?” said Mr. Beeton.
“No!” Dick had just waked to another morning of blank despair and his temper was of the shortest.
“No!” Dick had just woken up to another morning of empty despair, and he was in a really bad mood.
“’Tain’t my regular business, o’ course, sir; and what I say is, “Mind your own business and let other people mind theirs;” but just before Mr. Torpenhow went away he give me to understand, like, that you might be moving into a house of your own, so to speak—a sort of house with rooms upstairs and downstairs where you’d be better attended to, though I try to act just by all our tenants. Don’t I?”
“It's not really my usual job, of course, sir; and what I say is, 'Mind your own business and let others mind theirs;' but just before Mr. Torpenhow left, he made it clear to me that you might be moving into a place of your own, so to speak—a kind of house with rooms upstairs and downstairs where you'd get better service, although I try to treat all our tenants fairly. Don’t I?”
“Ah! That must have been a mad-house. I shan’t trouble you to take me there yet. Get me my breakfast, please, and leave me alone.”
“Ah! That must have been chaos. I won’t ask you to take me there just yet. Please get me my breakfast and leave me alone.”
“I hope I haven’t done anything wrong, sir, but you know I hope that as far as a man can I tries to do the proper thing by all the gentlemen in chambers—and more particular those whose lot is hard—such as you, for instance, Mr. Heldar. You likes soft-roe bloater, don’t you? Soft-roe bloaters is scarcer than hard-roe, but what I says is, “Never mind a little extra trouble so long as you give satisfaction to the tenants.”’
“I hope I haven’t done anything wrong, sir, but you know I try to do what’s right by all the gentlemen in the chambers—and especially those who have it tough—like you, for example, Mr. Heldar. You like soft-roe bloaters, right? They’re harder to find than hard-roe, but what I’m saying is, “Don’t worry about a bit of extra trouble as long as you keep the tenants happy.”
Mr. Beeton withdrew and left Dick to himself. Torpenhow had been long away; there was no more rioting in the chambers, and Dick had settled down to his new life, which he was weak enough to consider nothing better than death.
Mr. Beeton left and left Dick alone. Torpenhow had been gone for a while; there was no more chaos in the rooms, and Dick had adjusted to his new life, which he regrettably thought was nothing better than death.
It is hard to live alone in the dark, confusing the day and night; dropping to sleep through sheer weariness at mid-day, and rising restless in the chill of the dawn. At first Dick, on his awakenings, would grope along the corridors of the chambers till he heard some one snore. Then he would know that the day had not yet come, and return wearily to his bedroom.
It’s tough to be alone in the dark, mixing up day and night; falling asleep out of exhaustion in the middle of the day, and waking up restless in the cold of dawn. At first, when Dick woke up, he would feel his way through the hallways of the rooms until he heard someone snoring. Then he would know that it wasn’t morning yet, and he would tiredly head back to his bedroom.
Later he learned not to stir till there was a noise and movement in the house and Mr. Beeton advised him to get up. Once dressed—and dressing, now that Torpenhow was away, was a lengthy business, because collars, ties, and the like hid themselves in far corners of the room, and search meant head-beating against chairs and trunks—once dressed, there was nothing whatever to do except to sit still and brood till the three daily meals came. Centuries separated breakfast from lunch and lunch from dinner, and though a man prayed for hundreds of years that his mind might be taken from him, God would never hear. Rather the mind was quickened and the revolving thoughts ground against each other as millstones grind when there is no corn between; and yet the brain would not wear out and give him rest. It continued to think, at length, with imagery and all manner of reminiscences. It recalled Maisie and past success, reckless travels by land and sea, the glory of doing work and feeling that it was good, and suggested all that might have happened had the eyes only been faithful to their duty. When thinking ceased through sheer weariness, there poured into Dick’s soul tide on tide of overwhelming, purposeless fear—dread of starvation always, terror lest the unseen ceiling should crush down upon him, fear of fire in the chambers and a louse’s death in red flame, and agonies of fiercer horror that had nothing to do with any fear of death. Then Dick bowed his head, and clutching the arms of his chair fought with his sweating self till the tinkle of plates told him that something to eat was being set before him.
Later, he learned not to get up until he heard noise and movement in the house, and Mr. Beeton advised him to rise. Once dressed—and getting dressed, now that Torpenhow was gone, took a long time because collars, ties, and other items had a way of hiding in the far corners of the room, making the search a bumping battle against chairs and trunks—once he was dressed, there was nothing to do but sit still and think until the three daily meals arrived. It felt like ages separated breakfast from lunch and lunch from dinner, and even though he prayed for years to be free from thoughts, God never listened. Instead, his mind raced, and his thoughts clashed against each other like millstones grinding when there’s no grain to process; yet the brain wouldn’t tire out and allow him to rest. It kept thinking, eventually filled with images and all sorts of memories. It brought back memories of Maisie and past successes, reckless adventures by land and sea, the pride of doing work that felt fulfilling, and all the opportunities that could have come if only his eyes had been true to their duty. When thinking finally stopped from sheer exhaustion, waves of overwhelming, pointless fear crashed over Dick—fear of starvation always, a terror that the invisible ceiling would collapse on him, dread of fire in the rooms and a louse’s death in scorching flames, along with deeper horrors that had nothing to do with death itself. Then Dick bowed his head and, gripping the arms of his chair, struggled with his drenched self until the sound of plates clattering indicated that food was being served to him.
Mr. Beeton would bring the meal when he had time to spare, and Dick learned to hang upon his speech, which dealt with badly fitted gas-plugs, waste-pipes out of repair, little tricks for driving picture-nails into walls, and the sins of the charwoman or the housemaids. In the lack of better things the small gossip of a servant’’ hall becomes immensely interesting, and the screwing of a washer on a tap an event to be talked over for days.
Mr. Beeton would bring the meal whenever he had some free time, and Dick learned to pay attention to his stories, which talked about poorly fitted gas plugs, broken waste pipes, handy tips for driving picture nails into walls, and the mistakes of the cleaning lady or the housemaids. When there’s not much else going on, the little gossip from the servant’s hall becomes incredibly interesting, and the simple act of tightening a washer on a faucet can be a topic of conversation for days.
Once or twice a week, too, Mr. Beeton would take Dick out with him when he went marketing in the morning to haggle with tradesmen over fish, lamp-wicks, mustard, tapioca, and so forth, while Dick rested his weight first on one foot and then on the other and played aimlessly with the tins and string-ball on the counter. Then they would perhaps meet one of Mr. Beeton’s friends, and Dick, standing aside a little, would hold his peace till Mr. Beeton was willing to go on again.
Once or twice a week, Mr. Beeton would take Dick with him when he went shopping in the morning to bargain with vendors over fish, lamp-wicks, mustard, tapioca, and so on, while Dick shifted his weight from one foot to the other and casually played with the cans and string-ball on the counter. Then they might run into one of Mr. Beeton’s friends, and Dick would step aside a bit and stay quiet until Mr. Beeton was ready to continue.
The life did not increase his self-respect. He abandoned shaving as a dangerous exercise, and being shaved in a barber’s shop meant exposure of his infirmity. He could not see that his clothes were properly brushed, and since he had never taken any care of his personal appearance he became every known variety of sloven. A blind man cannot deal with cleanliness till he has been some months used to the darkness. If he demand attendance and grow angry at the want of it, he must assert himself and stand upright. Then the meanest menial can see that he is blind and, therefore, of no consequence. A wise man will keep his eyes on the floor and sit still. For amusement he may pick coal lump by lump out of the scuttle with the tongs and pile it in a little heap in the fender, keeping count of the lumps, which must all be put back again, one by one and very carefully. He may set himself sums if he cares to work them out; he may talk to himself or to the cat if she chooses to visit him; and if his trade has been that of an artist, he may sketch in the air with his forefinger; but that is too much like drawing a pig with the eyes shut. He may go to his bookshelves and count his books, ranging them in order of their size; or to his wardrobe and count his shirts, laying them in piles of two or three on the bed, as they suffer from frayed cuffs or lost buttons.
Life didn’t boost his self-esteem. He stopped shaving because he considered it risky, and being shaved at a barber's shop made his vulnerability obvious. He couldn’t tell if his clothes were brushed properly, and since he never cared about his appearance, he became a total slob. A blind person can’t manage cleanliness until they’ve adjusted to the darkness for a while. If he demands attention and gets upset over a lack of it, he needs to assert himself and stand tall. Then even the lowliest servant can see he’s blind and therefore inconsequential. A wise person will keep their eyes on the ground and remain still. For entertainment, he may pick up lumps of coal one by one from the scuttle with tongs and pile them in a small heap on the fender, keeping track of the number, ensuring that each one is returned carefully, one at a time. He can set himself math problems if he wants to solve them; he might talk to himself or to the cat if she pays him a visit; and if he used to be an artist, he could pretend to sketch in the air with his finger, but that feels too much like trying to draw a pig with your eyes closed. He might go to his bookshelf and count his books, organizing them by size; or he might go to his wardrobe and count his shirts, stacking them in piles of two or three on the bed, as they might have frayed cuffs or missing buttons.
Even this entertainment wearies after a time; and all the times are very, very long.
Even this entertainment gets boring after a while, and all the moments feel really, really long.
Dick was allowed to sort a tool-chest where Mr. Beeton kept hammers, taps and nuts, lengths of gas-pipes, oil-bottles, and string.
Dick was allowed to organize a tool chest where Mr. Beeton stored hammers, taps and nuts, pieces of gas pipe, oil bottles, and string.
“If I don’t have everything just where I know where to look for it, why, then, I can’t find anything when I do want it. You’ve no idea, sir, the amount of little things that these chambers uses up,” said Mr. Beeton. Fumbling at the handle of the door as he went out: “It’s hard on you, sir, I do think it’s hard on you. Ain’t you going to do anything, sir?”
“If I don’t have everything organized so I know exactly where to find it, I can't locate anything when I need it. You have no idea, sir, how many little things these rooms go through,” said Mr. Beeton. As he fumbled with the door handle while leaving, he added, “It's tough on you, sir. I really think it's tough on you. Aren’t you going to do anything, sir?”
“I’ll pay my rent and messing. Isn’t that enough?”
“I’ll pay my rent and for the mess. Isn’t that enough?”
“I wasn’t doubting for a moment that you couldn’t pay your way, sir; but I ’ave often said to my wife, ‘It’s ’ard on ’im because it isn’t as if he was an old man, nor yet a middle-aged one, but quite a young gentleman. That’s where it comes so ’ard.’”
“I didn’t doubt for a second that you couldn’t handle your expenses, sir; but I’ve often told my wife, ‘It’s tough for him because he’s not an old man or even a middle-aged one, but a young gentleman. That’s what makes it so tough.’”
“I suppose so,” said Dick, absently. This particular nerve through long battering had ceased to feel—much.
“I guess so,” said Dick, distracted. This particular nerve, after being worn down for so long, had stopped feeling—mostly.
“I was thinking,” continued Mr. Beeton, still making as if to go, “that you might like to hear my boy Alf read you the papers sometimes of an evening. He do read beautiful, seeing he’s only nine.”
“I was thinking,” Mr. Beeton said, still pretending to leave, “that you might enjoy having my son Alf read the papers to you some evenings. He reads beautifully, especially for being only nine.”
“I should be very grateful,” said Dick. “Only let me make it worth his while.”
“I would be really grateful,” said Dick. “Just let me make it worth his time.”
“We wasn’t thinking of that, sir, but of course it’s in your own ’ands; but only to ’ear Alf sing ‘A Boy’s best Friend is ’is Mother!’ Ah!”
“We weren’t thinking of that, sir, but of course it’s in your own hands; but just to hear Alf sing ‘A Boy’s Best Friend is His Mother!’ Ah!”
“I’ll hear him sing that too. Let him come this evening with the newspapers.”
“I'll listen to him sing that as well. Let him come this evening with the newspapers.”
Alf was not a nice child, being puffed up with many school-board certificates for good conduct, and inordinately proud of his singing. Mr. Beeton remained, beaming, while the child wailed his way through a song of some eight eight-line verses in the usual whine of a young Cockney, and, after compliments, left him to read Dick the foreign telegrams. Ten minutes later Alf returned to his parents rather pale and scared.
Alf wasn’t a nice kid, full of pride from all the school-board certificates for good behavior, and way too proud of his singing. Mr. Beeton stayed, smiling, while the kid cried his way through a song of eight verses in the typical whine of a young Cockney. After giving him some compliments, he left him to read the foreign telegrams to Dick. Ten minutes later, Alf came back to his parents looking pretty pale and scared.
“’E said ’e couldn’t stand it no more,” he explained.
“He said he couldn't take it anymore,” he explained.
“He never said you read badly, Alf?” Mrs. Beeton spoke.
“He never said you read badly, Alf?” Mrs. Beeton said.
“No. ’E said I read beautiful. Said ’e never ’eard any one read like that, but ’e said ’e couldn’t abide the stuff in the papers.”
“No. He said I read beautifully. Said he’d never heard anyone read like that, but he said he couldn’t stand the stuff in the papers.”
“P’raps he’s lost some money in the Stocks. Were you readin’ him about Stocks, Alf?”
“Maybe he lost some money in the stock market. Were you telling him about stocks, Alf?”
“No; it was all about fightin’ out there where the soldiers is gone—a great long piece with all the lines close together and very hard words in it. ’E give me ’arf a crown because I read so well. And ’e says the next time there’s anything ’e wants read ’e’ll send for me.”
“No; it was all about fighting out there where the soldiers are gone—a really long piece with all the lines close together and very difficult words in it. He gave me half a crown because I read so well. And he says the next time there’s anything he wants read he’ll send for me.”
“That’s good hearing, but I do think for all the half-crown—put it into the kicking-donkey money-box, Alf, and let me see you do it—he might have kept you longer. Why, he couldn’t have begun to understand how beautiful you read.”
“That’s nice to hear, but I really think for all that money—put it into the kicking-donkey piggy bank, Alf, and let me see you do it—he could have kept you longer. I mean, he couldn’t have even started to grasp how beautifully you read.”
“He’s best left to hisself—gentlemen always are when they’re downhearted,” said Mr. Beeton.
“It's better to leave him alone—men always are when they're feeling low,” said Mr. Beeton.
Alf’s rigorously limited powers of comprehending Torpenhow’s special correspondence had waked the devil of unrest in Dick. He could hear, through the boy’s nasal chant, the camels grunting in the squares behind the soldiers outside Suakin; could hear the men swearing and chaffing across the cooking pots, and could smell the acrid wood-smoke as it drifted over camp before the wind of the desert.
Alf’s extremely limited ability to understand Torpenhow’s special messages had stirred up a feeling of unease in Dick. He could hear, through the boy’s nasal singing, the camels grunting in the squares behind the soldiers outside Suakin; could hear the men cursing and joking over the cooking pots, and could smell the bitter wood smoke as it wafted over the camp before the desert wind.
That night he prayed to God that his mind might be taken from him, offering for proof that he was worthy of this favour the fact that he had not shot himself long ago. That prayer was not answered, and indeed Dick knew in his heart of hearts that only a lingering sense of humour and no special virtue had kept him alive. Suicide, he had persuaded himself, would be a ludicrous insult to the gravity of the situation as well as a weak-kneed confession of fear.
That night, he prayed to God to take his mind away from him, proving his worthiness for this favor by the simple fact that he hadn't killed himself a long time ago. That prayer went unanswered, and deep down, Dick knew that it was only his lingering sense of humor and no particular virtue that had kept him alive. He had convinced himself that suicide would be a ridiculous insult to the seriousness of his situation, as well as a cowardly admission of fear.
“Just for the fun of the thing,” he said to the cat, who had taken Binkie’s place in his establishment, “I should like to know how long this is going to last. I can live for a year on the hundred pounds Torp cashed for me. I must have two or three thousand at least in the Bank—twenty or thirty years more provided for, that is to say. Then I fall back on my hundred and twenty a year, which will be more by that time. Let’s consider.
“Just for the fun of it,” he said to the cat, which had taken Binkie’s spot in his place, “I’d like to know how long this is going to last. I can live for a year on the hundred pounds Torp cashed for me. I must have at least two or three thousand in the bank—twenty or thirty years more set aside, that is to say. Then I’ll fall back on my hundred and twenty a year, which will be more by that time. Let’s think about it.
Twenty-five—thirty-five—a man’s in his prime then, they say—forty-five—a middle-aged man just entering politics—fifty-five—“died at the comparatively early age of fifty-five,” according to the newspapers. Bah! How these Christians funk death! Sixty-five—we’re only getting on in years. Seventy-five is just possible, though. Great hell, cat O! fifty years more of solitary confinement in the dark! You’ll die, and Beeton will die, and Torp will die, and Mai—everybody else will die, but I shall be alive and kicking with nothing to do. I’m very sorry for myself. I should like some one else to be sorry for me. Evidently I’m not going mad before I die, but the pain’s just as bad as ever. Some day when you’re vivisected, cat O! they’ll tie you down on a little table and cut you open—but don’t be afraid; they’ll take precious good care that you don’t die. You’ll live, and you’ll be very sorry then that you weren’t sorry for me. Perhaps Torp will come back or... I wish I could go to Torp and the Nilghai, even though I were in their way.”
Twenty-five—thirty-five—a man’s in his prime then, they say—forty-five—a middle-aged man just starting in politics—fifty-five—“died at the relatively young age of fifty-five,” according to the newspapers. Ugh! How these Christians fear death! Sixty-five—we're just getting older. Seventy-five is still a possibility, though. Good grief, fifty years more of being alone in the dark! You’ll die, and Beeton will die, and Torp will die, and Mai—everyone else will die, but I’ll still be alive and kicking with nothing to do. I’m really sorry for myself. I’d like someone else to feel sorry for me. Clearly, I’m not going crazy before I die, but the pain is just as bad as ever. Someday when you’re vivisected, they’ll strap you down on a little table and cut you open—but don’t worry; they’ll make sure you don’t die. You’ll live, and you’ll really wish you’d felt sorry for me. Maybe Torp will come back or... I wish I could go to Torp and the Nilghai, even if I were a bother to them.
Pussy left the room before the speech was ended, and Alf, as he entered, found Dick addressing the empty hearth-rug.
Pussy left the room before the speech was over, and Alf, as he walked in, saw Dick talking to the empty fireplace.
“There’s a letter for you, sir,” he said. “Perhaps you’d like me to read it.”
“There's a letter for you, sir,” he said. “Maybe you'd like me to read it.”
“Lend it to me for a minute and I’ll tell you.”
“Just give it to me for a minute and I’ll explain.”
The outstretched hand shook just a little and the voice was not over-steady. It was within the limits of human possibility that—that was no letter from Maisie. He knew the heft of three closed envelopes only too well. It was a foolish hope that the girl should write to him, for he did not realise that there is a wrong which admits of no reparation though the evildoer may with tears and the heart’s best love strive to mend all. It is best to forget that wrong whether it be caused or endured, since it is as remediless as bad work once put forward.
The outstretched hand shook a bit, and the voice wasn’t completely steady. It was possible that—that wasn’t a letter from Maisie. He was all too familiar with the weight of three sealed envelopes. It was a foolish hope to think the girl would write to him, as he didn’t understand that some wrongs can’t be fixed, even if the person who did it tries to make amends with tears and heartfelt love. It’s better to forget such a wrong, whether it was done to you or by you, since it’s as irreparable as bad work once it’s been put out there.
“Read it, then,” said Dick, and Alf began intoning according to the rules of the Board School—
“Read it, then,” said Dick, and Alf started reading aloud according to the rules of the Board School—
“‘I could have given you love, I could have given you loyalty, such as you never dreamed of. Do you suppose I cared what you were? But you chose to whistle everything down the wind for nothing. My only excuse for you is that you are so young.’
“‘I could have given you love, I could have given you loyalty, like you never imagined. Do you really think I cared who you were? But you decided to throw everything away for nothing. The only reason I can excuse you is that you’re so young.’”
“That’s all,” he said, returning the paper to be dropped into the fire.
“That’s it,” he said, handing the paper to be tossed into the fire.
“What was in the letter?” asked Mrs. Beeton, when Alf returned.
“What was in the letter?” asked Mrs. Beeton when Alf got back.
“I don’t know. I think it was a circular or a tract about not whistlin’ at everything when you’re young.”
“I don’t know. I think it was a pamphlet or a flyer about not whistling at everything when you’re young.”
“I must have stepped on something when I was alive and walking about and it has bounced up and hit me. God help it, whatever it is—unless it was all a joke. But I don’t know any one who’d take the trouble to play a joke on me.... Love and loyalty for nothing. It sounds tempting enough.
“I must have stepped on something while I was alive and moving around, and now it’s come back to hit me. God help whatever it is—unless it was all just a joke. But I don’t know anyone who’d bother to prank me.... Love and loyalty for nothing. That sounds pretty tempting.”
I wonder whether I have lost anything really?”
I wonder if I've really lost anything.
Dick considered for a long time but could not remember when or how he had put himself in the way of winning these trifles at a woman’s hands.
Dick thought for a long time but couldn't recall when or how he had ended up winning these small prizes from a woman.
Still, the letter as touching on matters that he preferred not to think about stung him into a fit of frenzy that lasted for a day and night. When his heart was so full of despair that it would hold no more, body and soul together seemed to be dropping without check through the darkness.
Still, the letter brought up things he didn’t want to think about, driving him into a frenzy that lasted for a day and a night. When his heart was so full of despair that it couldn’t hold any more, he felt like body and soul were just falling endlessly through the darkness.
Then came fear of darkness and desperate attempts to reach the light again. But there was no light to be reached. When that agony had left him sweating and breathless, the downward flight would recommence till the gathering torture of it spurred him into another fight as hopeless as the first. Followed some few minutes of sleep in which he dreamed that he saw. Then the procession of events would repeat itself till he was utterly worn out and the brain took up its everlasting consideration of Maisie and might-have-beens.
Then came the fear of darkness and frantic attempts to find the light again. But there was no light to be found. When that torment left him sweating and breathless, the downward spiral would start again until the mounting pain pushed him into another struggle as futile as the first. After a few minutes of sleep, he would dream that he could see. Then the cycle of events would repeat until he was completely exhausted, and his mind would resume its constant dwelling on Maisie and what could have been.
At the end of everything Mr. Beeton came to his room and volunteered to take him out. “Not marketing this time, but we’ll go into the Parks if you like.”
At the end of it all, Mr. Beeton came to his room and offered to take him out. “Not shopping this time, but we can go to the Parks if you want.”
“Be damned if I do,” quoth Dick. “Keep to the streets and walk up and down. I like to hear the people round me.”
“Damn if I do,” said Dick. “Stay on the streets and walk back and forth. I enjoy listening to the people around me.”
This was not altogether true. The blind in the first stages of their infirmity dislike those who can move with a free stride and unlifted arms—but Dick had no earthly desire to go to the Parks. Once and only once since Maisie had shut her door he had gone there under Alf’s charge. Alf forgot him and fished for minnows in the Serpentine with some companions. After half an hour’s waiting Dick, almost weeping with rage and wrath, caught a passer-by, who introduced him to a friendly policeman, who led him to a four-wheeler opposite the Albert Hall. He never told Mr. Beeton of Alf’s forgetfulness, but... this was not the manner in which he was used to walk the Parks aforetime.
This wasn't entirely true. Blind people in the early stages of their condition tend to dislike those who can move freely, but Dick had no desire to go to the Parks at all. Once, and only once since Maisie had closed her door, he had gone there under Alf's supervision. Alf totally forgot about him and went fishing for minnows in the Serpentine with some friends. After waiting for half an hour, Dick was almost crying with anger and frustration when he grabbed the attention of a passerby, who introduced him to a friendly policeman. The officer then took him to a cab across from the Albert Hall. He never mentioned Alf's negligence to Mr. Beeton, but... this wasn't how he used to enjoy walking in the Parks before.
“What streets would you like to walk down, then?” said Mr. Beeton, sympathetically. His own ideas of a riotous holiday meant picnicking on the grass of Green Park with his family, and half a dozen paper bags full of food.
“What streets do you want to walk down, then?” Mr. Beeton asked, kindly. To him, a wild holiday meant having a picnic on the grass of Green Park with his family, along with several paper bags packed with food.
“Keep to the river,” said Dick, and they kept to the river, and the rush of it was in his ears till they came to Blackfriars Bridge and struck thence on to the Waterloo Road, Mr. Beeton explaining the beauties of the scenery as he went on.
“Stay by the river,” said Dick, and they followed the river, its rush echoing in his ears until they reached Blackfriars Bridge and then headed onto Waterloo Road, with Mr. Beeton pointing out the scenic views along the way.
“And walking on the other side of the pavement,” said he, “unless I’m much mistaken, is the young woman that used to come to your rooms to be drawed. I never forgets a face and I never remembers a name, except paying tenants, o’ course!”
“And walking on the other side of the sidewalk,” he said, “unless I'm mistaken, is the young woman who used to come to your place to pose. I never forget a face, and I never remember a name, except for paying tenants, of course!”
“Stop her,” said Dick. “It’s Bessie Broke. Tell her I’d like to speak to her again. Quick, man!”
“Stop her,” said Dick. “It’s Bessie Broke. Let her know I want to talk to her again. Hurry up, man!”
Mr. Beeton crossed the road under the noses of the omnibuses and arrested Bessie then on her way northward. She recognised him as the man in authority who used to glare at her when she passed up Dick’s staircase, and her first impulse was to run.
Mr. Beeton crossed the road right in front of the buses and stopped Bessie, who was heading north. She recognized him as the guy in charge who would glare at her as she climbed up Dick’s staircase, and her first instinct was to run.
“Wasn’t you Mr. Heldar’s model?” said Mr. Beeton, planting himself in front of her. “You was. He’s on the other side of the road and he’d like to see you.”
“Weren’t you Mr. Heldar’s model?” said Mr. Beeton, standing in front of her. “You were. He’s across the street and he’d like to see you.”
“Why?” said Bessie, faintly. She remembered—indeed had never for long forgotten—an affair connected with a newly finished picture.
“Why?” Bessie asked quietly. She remembered—actually, she had never really forgotten—an incident related to a recently completed painting.
“Because he has asked me to do so, and because he’s most particular blind.”
“Since he has asked me to do this, and because he is very much blind.”
“Drunk?”
"Are you drunk?"
“No. ’Orspital blind. He can’t see. That’s him over there.”
“No. The hospital is blind. He can’t see. That’s him over there.”
Dick was leaning against the parapet of the bridge as Mr. Beeton pointed him out—a stub-bearded, bowed creature wearing a dirty magenta-coloured neckcloth outside an unbrushed coat. There was nothing to fear from such an one. Even if he chased her, Bessie thought, he could not follow far. She crossed over, and Dick’s face lighted up. It was long since a woman of any kind had taken the trouble to speak to him.
Dick was leaning against the railing of the bridge when Mr. Beeton pointed him out—a scruffy, hunched guy wearing a dirty magenta necktie over an unkempt coat. There was nothing to worry about with someone like him. Even if he tried to pursue her, Bessie thought, he wouldn’t be able to keep up for long. She walked over, and Dick’s face brightened. It had been a long time since a woman had made the effort to talk to him.
“I hope you’re well, Mr. Heldar?” said Bessie, a little puzzled. Mr. Beeton stood by with the air of an ambassador and breathed responsibly.
“I hope you’re doing well, Mr. Heldar?” Bessie said, a bit confused. Mr. Beeton stood by like an ambassador, breathing heavily with a sense of responsibility.
“I’m very well indeed, and, by Jove! I’m glad to see—hear you, I mean, Bess. You never thought it worth while to turn up and see us again after you got your money. I don’t know why you should. Are you going anywhere in particular just now?”
“I’m doing really well, and, wow! I’m glad to see—hear you, I mean, Bess. You never thought it was worth your time to come back and see us after you got your money. I don’t know why you would. Are you headed somewhere specific right now?”
“I was going for a walk,” said Bessie.
"I was going for a walk," Bessie said.
“Not the old business?” Dick spoke under his breath.
“Not the old business?” Dick muttered.
“Lor, no! I paid my premium’—Bessie was very proud of that word—“for a barmaid, sleeping in, and I’m at the bar now quite respectable. Indeed I am.”
“Lord, no! I paid my premium”—Bessie was really proud of that word—“to be a barmaid, sleeping in, and I’m at the bar now totally respectable. I really am.”
Mr. Beeton had no special reason to believe in the loftiness of human nature. Therefore he dissolved himself like a mist and returned to his gas-plugs without a word of apology. Bessie watched the flight with a certain uneasiness; but so long as Dick appeared to be ignorant of the harm that had been done to him...
Mr. Beeton had no particular reason to have faith in the greatness of human nature. So, he faded away like fog and went back to his gas plugs without saying a word of apology. Bessie observed the scene with some unease, but as long as Dick seemed to be unaware of the damage that had been done to him...
“It’s hard work pulling the beer-handles,” she went on, “and they’ve got one of them penny-in-the-slot cash-machines, so if you get wrong by a penny at the end of the day—but then I don’t believe the machinery is right. Do you?”
“It’s tough work pulling the beer handles,” she continued, “and they’ve got one of those penny-in-the-slot cash machines, so if you miscount by a penny at the end of the day—but honestly, I don’t think the machine is reliable. Do you?”
“I’ve only seen it work. Mr. Beeton.”
“I’ve only seen it work, Mr. Beeton.”
“He’s gone.
“He's gone.”
“I’m afraid I must ask you to help me home, then. I’ll make it worth your while. You see.” The sightless eyes turned towards her and Bessie saw.
“I’m afraid I have to ask you to help me get home, then. I'll make it worth your while. You see.” The blind eyes turned toward her, and Bessie saw.
“It isn’t taking you out of your way?” he said hesitatingly. “I can ask a policeman if it is.”
“It’s not too much trouble for you?” he asked uncertainly. “I can check with a cop to see if it is.”
“Not at all. I come on at seven and I’m off at four. That’s easy hours.”
“Not at all. I start at seven and I'm done by four. Those are easy hours.”
“Good God!—but I’m on all the time. I wish I had some work to do too.
“Good God!—but I’m always on. I wish I had some work to do too.
Let’s go home, Bess.”
“Let's go home, Bess.”
He turned and cannoned into a man on the sidewalk, recoiling with an oath. Bessie took his arm and said nothing—as she had said nothing when he had ordered her to turn her face a little more to the light. They walked for some time in silence, the girl steering him deftly through the crowd.
He turned and bumped into a man on the sidewalk, stumbling back with a curse. Bessie took his arm and didn’t say a word—just like she hadn’t said anything when he had told her to turn her face a little more toward the light. They walked in silence for a while, the girl skillfully guiding him through the crowd.
“And where’s—where’s Mr. Torpenhow?” she inquired at last.
“And where’s—where’s Mr. Torpenhow?” she asked at last.
“He has gone away to the desert.”
“He has gone to the desert.”
“Where’s that?”
"Where is that?"
Dick pointed to the right. “East—out of the mouth of the river,” said he.
Dick pointed to the right. “East—out of the river’s mouth,” he said.
“Then west, then south, and then east again, all along the under-side of Europe. Then south again, God knows how far.” The explanation did not enlighten Bessie in the least, but she held her tongue and looked to Dick’s path till they came to the chambers.
“Then west, then south, and then east again, all along the underside of Europe. Then south again, God knows how far.” The explanation didn’t clear things up for Bessie at all, but she kept quiet and followed Dick’s path until they reached the chambers.
“We’ll have tea and muffins,” he said joyously. “I can’t tell you, Bessie, how glad I am to find you again. What made you go away so suddenly?”
“We’ll have tea and muffins,” he said happily. “I can’t tell you, Bessie, how thrilled I am to see you again. What made you leave so suddenly?”
“I didn’t think you’d want me any more,” she said, emboldened by his ignorance.
“I didn’t think you’d want me anymore,” she said, feeling bold because of his cluelessness.
“I didn’t, as a matter of fact—but afterwards—At any rate I’m glad you’ve come. You know the stairs.”
“I actually didn’t, but later—I’m just glad you showed up. You know the stairs.”
So Bessie led him home to his own place—there was no one to hinder—and shut the door of the studio.
So Bessie took him back to his place—nobody was there to stop them—and closed the door of the studio.
“What a mess!” was her first word. “All these things haven’t been looked after for months and months.”
“Such a mess!” was her first comment. “All these things haven’t been taken care of for months and months.”
“No, only weeks, Bess. You can’t expect them to care.”
“No, just weeks, Bess. You can’t expect them to care.”
“I don’t know what you expect them to do. They ought to know what you’ve paid them for. The dust’s just awful. It’s all over the easel.”
“I don’t know what you expect them to do. They should know what you’ve paid them for. The dust is terrible. It’s everywhere on the easel.”
“I don’t use it much now.”
“I don’t use it much anymore.”
“All over the pictures and the floor, and all over your coat. I’d like to speak to them housemaids.”
“All over the pictures and the floor, and all over your coat. I’d like to talk to those maids.”
“Ring for tea, then.” Dick felt his way to the one chair he used by custom.
“Call for tea, then.” Dick made his way to the one chair he usually sat in.
Bessie saw the action and, as far as in her lay, was touched. But there remained always a keen sense of new-found superiority, and it was in her voice when she spoke.
Bessie saw what was happening and, to the extent that she could, felt moved. Yet she always had a sharp awareness of her newfound superiority, and that was evident in her voice when she spoke.
“How long have you been like this?” she said wrathfully, as though the blindness were some fault of the housemaids.
“How long have you been like this?” she said angrily, as if the blindness were somehow the maids' fault.
“How?”
“How so?”
“As you are.”
“As you are.”
“The day after you went away with the check, almost as soon as my picture was finished; I hardly saw her alive.”
“The day after you left with the check, almost immediately after I finished my painting; I barely saw her alive.”
“Then they’ve been cheating you ever since, that’s all. I know their nice little ways.”
“Then they’ve been taking advantage of you ever since, that’s all. I know their sweet little tricks.”
A woman may love one man and despise another, but on general feminine principles she will do her best to save the man she despises from being defrauded. Her loved one can look to himself, but the other man, being obviously an idiot, needs protection.
A woman might love one man and hate another, but based on general female instincts, she will try her best to protect the man she dislikes from being cheated. Her loved one can take care of himself, but the other guy, clearly being foolish, needs protection.
“I don’t think Mr. Beeton cheats much,” said Dick. Bessie was flouncing up and down the room, and he was conscious of a keen sense of enjoyment as he heard the swish of her skirts and the light step between.
“I don’t think Mr. Beeton cheats much,” said Dick. Bessie was pacing back and forth in the room, and he felt a strong sense of enjoyment as he heard the swish of her skirts and her light footsteps in between.
“Tea and muffins,” she said shortly, when the ring at the bell was answered; “two teaspoonfuls and one over for the pot. I don’t want the old teapot that was here when I used to come. It don’t draw. Get another.”
“Tea and muffins,” she said briefly when the doorbell rang; “two teaspoons and one extra for the pot. I don’t want the old teapot that was here when I used to visit. It doesn’t brew well. Get a different one.”
The housemaid went away scandalised, and Dick chuckled. Then he began to cough as Bessie banged up and down the studio disturbing the dust.
The housemaid left, shocked, and Dick laughed. Then he started to cough as Bessie stomped up and down the studio, kicking up the dust.
“What are you trying to do?”
“What are you trying to accomplish?”
“Put things straight. This is like unfurnished lodgings. How could you let it go so?”
“Be direct. This is like an empty apartment. How could you let it get like this?”
“How could I help it? Dust away.”
“How could I help it? Dust it off.”
She dusted furiously, and in the midst of all the pother entered Mrs. Beeton. Her husband on his return had explained the situation, winding up with the peculiarly felicitous proverb, “Do unto others as you would be done by.” She had descended to put into her place the person who demanded muffins and an uncracked teapot as though she had a right to both.
She dusted furiously, and in the middle of all the chaos, Mrs. Beeton walked in. Her husband had explained the situation when he returned, finishing with the particularly fitting saying, “Treat others how you want to be treated.” She had come down to confront the person who expected muffins and an uncracked teapot as if she had a right to both.
“Muffins ready yet?” said Bess, still dusting. She was no longer a drab of the streets but a young lady who, thanks to Dick’s check, had paid her premium and was entitled to pull beer-handles with the best. Being neatly dressed in black she did not hesitate to face Mrs. Beeton, and there passed between the two women certain regards that Dick would have appreciated. The situation adjusted itself by eye. Bessie had won, and Mrs. Beeton returned to cook muffins and make scathing remarks about models, hussies, trollops, and the like, to her husband.
“Muffins ready yet?” Bess asked, still dusting. She wasn't just another girl from the streets anymore; she was a young lady who, thanks to Dick's check, had paid her dues and was entitled to pull beer handles with the best of them. Dressed neatly in black, she confidently faced Mrs. Beeton, and a certain understanding passed between the two women that Dick would have appreciated. The situation was settled with just a glance. Bessie had triumphed, and Mrs. Beeton returned to cooking muffins while making snide comments about models, hussies, trollops, and the like to her husband.
“There’s nothing to be got of interfering with him, Liza,” he said. “Alf, you go along into the street to play. When he isn’t crossed he’s as kindly as kind, but when he’s crossed he’s the devil and all. We took too many little things out of his rooms since he was blind to be that particular about what he does. They ain’t no objects to a blind man, of course, but if it was to come into court we’d get the sack. Yes, I did introduce him to that girl because I’m a feelin’ man myself.”
“There's no point in getting involved with him, Liza,” he said. “Alf, why don't you go play out in the street? When he’s in a good mood, he can be really nice, but when he’s upset, he’s a total nightmare. We’ve taken too many little things from his rooms since he went blind to be too picky about what he does. They don’t mean anything to a blind man, of course, but if it came down to a court case, we’d be in trouble. Yeah, I did introduce him to that girl because I’m a sensitive guy myself.”
“Much too feelin’!” Mrs. Beeton slapped the muffins into the dish, and thought of comely housemaids long since dismissed on suspicion.
“Way too much emotion!” Mrs. Beeton slapped the muffins into the dish and thought of attractive housemaids who had been dismissed long ago on suspicion.
“I ain’t ashamed of it, and it isn’t for us to judge him hard so long as he pays quiet and regular as he do. I know how to manage young gentlemen, you know how to cook for them, and what I says is, let each stick to his own business and then there won’t be any trouble. Take them muffins down, Liza, and be sure you have no words with that young woman. His lot is cruel hard, and if he’s crossed he do swear worse than any one I’ve ever served.”
“I’m not ashamed of it, and it’s not for us to judge him too harshly as long as he pays quietly and on time. I know how to handle young gentlemen; you know how to cook for them. What I say is, let everyone stick to their own business, and then there won’t be any trouble. Take those muffins down, Liza, and make sure you don’t say anything to that young woman. His life is pretty tough, and if he gets upset, he swears worse than anyone I've ever served.”
“That’s a little better,” said Bessie, sitting down to the tea. “You needn’t wait, thank you, Mrs. Beeton.”
“That’s a bit better,” Bessie said as she sat down for tea. “You don’t need to wait, thank you, Mrs. Beeton.”
“I had no intention of doing such, I do assure you.”
“I really didn’t plan on doing that, I promise you.”
Bessie made no answer whatever. This, she knew, was the way in which real ladies routed their foes, and when one is a barmaid at a first-class public-house one may become a real lady at ten minutes’ notice.
Bessie didn't say anything at all. She knew this was how real ladies dealt with their enemies, and when you're a barmaid at a high-end pub, you can turn into a real lady in just ten minutes.
Her eyes fell on Dick opposite her and she was both shocked and displeased. There were droppings of food all down the front of his coat; the mouth under the ragged ill-grown beard drooped sullenly; the forehead was lined and contracted; and on the lean temples the hair was a dusty indeterminate colour that might or might not have been called gray. The utter misery and self-abandonment of the man appealed to her, and at the bottom of her heart lay the wicked feeling that he was humbled and brought low who had once humbled her.
Her gaze landed on Dick across from her, and she felt both shocked and unhappy. Food stains covered the front of his coat; his mouth, hidden beneath a scruffy, poorly grown beard, drooped sadly; his forehead was wrinkled and tense; and his thin temples had hair that was a dusty, unclear color that might have been gray. The total despair and neglect of the man struck a chord with her, and deep down, she couldn't help but feel a wicked satisfaction that he, who had once put her down, was now so broken and defeated.
“Oh! it is good to hear you moving about,” said Dick, rubbing his hands.
“Oh! it feels good to hear you moving around,” said Dick, rubbing his hands.
“Tell us all about your bar successes, Bessie, and the way you live now.”
“Tell us all about your bar successes, Bessie, and how you live now.”
“Never mind that. I’m quite respectable, as you’d see by looking at me. You don’t seem to live too well. What made you go blind that sudden? Why isn’t there any one to look after you?”
“Forget about that. I look pretty respectable, as you can tell just by looking at me. You don’t seem to be doing too well. What suddenly caused your blindness? Why isn’t anyone taking care of you?”
Dick was too thankful for the sound of her voice to resent the tone of it.
Dick was too grateful for the sound of her voice to be bothered by the way she said it.
“I was cut across the head a long time ago, and that ruined my eyes. I don’t suppose anybody thinks it worth while to look after me any more.
“I got hit on the head a long time ago, and that messed up my eyes. I don’t think anyone thinks it’s worth it to take care of me anymore.
Why should they?—and Mr. Beeton really does everything I want.”
Why should they?—and Mr. Beeton really does everything I need.”
“Don’t you know any gentlemen and ladies, then, while you was—well?”
“Don’t you know any gentlemen and ladies, then, while you were—well?”
“A few, but I don’t care to have them looking at me.”
“A few, but I don’t want them staring at me.”
“I suppose that’s why you’ve growed a beard. Take it off, it don’t become you.”
“I guess that’s why you’ve grown a beard. Take it off, it doesn’t suit you.”
“Good gracious, child, do you imagine that I think of what becomes of me these days?”
“Good grief, kid, do you really think I care about what happens to me these days?”
“You ought. Get that taken off before I come here again. I suppose I can come, can’t I?”
“You should. Get that removed before I come back here. I guess I can come, right?”
“I’d be only too grateful if you did. I don’t think I treated you very well in the old days. I used to make you angry.”
“I’d really appreciate it if you did. I don’t think I treated you very well back in the day. I used to make you mad.”
“Very angry, you did.”
“You were very angry.”
“I’m sorry for it, then. Come and see me when you can and as often as you can. God knows, there isn’t a soul in the world to take that trouble except you and Mr. Beeton.”
“I’m really sorry about it. Come and visit me when you can and as often as possible. Honestly, there’s no one else in the world who will go through that trouble except you and Mr. Beeton.”
“A lot of trouble he’s taking and she too.” This with a toss of the head. “They’ve let you do anyhow and they haven’t done anything for you. I’ve only to look and see that much. I’ll come, and I’ll be glad to come, but you must go and be shaved, and you must get some other clothes—those ones aren’t fit to be seen.”
“A lot of trouble he’s going through, and she is too.” With a flick of her head, she added, “They've just let you be, and they haven't done anything for you. I can see that much. I’ll come, and I’ll be happy to come, but you need to go get a haircut, and you need to get some new clothes—those ones aren’t fit to be seen.”
“I have heaps somewhere,” he said helplessly.
“I have a ton somewhere,” he said helplessly.
“I know you have. Tell Mr. Beeton to give you a new suit and I’ll brush it and keep it clean. You may be as blind as a barn-door, Mr. Heldar, but it doesn’t excuse you looking like a sweep.”
“I know you have. Tell Mr. Beeton to give you a new suit, and I’ll brush it and keep it clean. You might be as blind as a barn door, Mr. Heldar, but that doesn’t excuse you for looking like a chimney sweep.”
“Do I look like a sweep, then?”
“Do I look like a janitor, then?”
“Oh, I’m sorry for you. I’m that sorry for you!” she cried impulsively, and took Dick’s hands. Mechanically, he lowered his head as if to kiss—she was the only woman who had taken pity on him, and he was not too proud for a little pity now. She stood up to go.
“Oh, I’m really sorry for you. I feel so bad for you!” she exclaimed impulsively, taking Dick’s hands. Automatically, he lowered his head as if to kiss her—she was the only woman who had shown him compassion, and he wasn’t too proud to accept a bit of pity now. She got up to leave.
“Nothing o’ that kind till you look more like a gentleman. It’s quite easy when you get shaved, and some clothes.”
“Nothing like that until you look more like a gentleman. It’s really easy once you get a shave and some decent clothes.”
He could hear her drawing on her gloves and rose to say good-bye. She passed behind him, kissed him audaciously on the back of the neck, and ran away as swiftly as on the day when she had destroyed the Melancolia.
He could hear her putting on her gloves and stood up to say goodbye. She walked behind him, kissed him boldly on the back of the neck, and took off as quickly as she had on the day she’d destroyed the Melancolia.
“To think of me kissing Mr. Heldar,” she said to herself, “after all he’s done to me and all! Well, I’m sorry for him, and if he was shaved he wouldn’t be so bad to look at, but... Oh them Beetons, how shameful they’ve treated him! I know Beeton’s wearing his shirt on his back to-day just as well as if I’d aired it. To-morrow, I’ll see... I wonder if he has much of his own. It might be worth more than the bar—I wouldn’t have to do any work—and just as respectable as if no one knew.”
“To think about me kissing Mr. Heldar,” she said to herself, “after everything he's done to me and all! Well, I feel sorry for him, and if he was cleaned up, he wouldn’t be that bad to look at, but... Oh those Beetons, how shamefully they’ve treated him! I know Beeton's wearing his shirt today just as well as if I’d aired it. Tomorrow, I’ll see... I wonder if he has much of his own. It might be worth more than the bar—I wouldn’t have to do any work—and just as respectable as if no one knew.”
Dick was not grateful to Bessie for her parting gift. He was acutely conscious of it in the nape of his neck throughout the night, but it seemed, among very many other things, to enforce the wisdom of getting shaved.
Dick was not thankful to Bessie for her farewell gift. He was very aware of it in the back of his neck all night, but it seemed, among many other things, to reinforce the idea that he should get a shave.
He was shaved accordingly in the morning, and felt the better for it. A fresh suit of clothes, white linen, and the knowledge that some one in the world said that she took an interest in his personal appearance made him carry himself almost upright; for the brain was relieved for a while from thinking of Maisie, who, under other circumstances, might have given that kiss and a million others.
He got a fresh shave in the morning, and it made him feel good. Wearing a new suit, clean linen, and knowing that someone in the world cared about how he looked made him walk almost confidently; he was able to take a break from thinking about Maisie, who, in different circumstances, could have given him that kiss and a million others.
“Let us consider,” said he, after lunch. “The girl can’t care, and it’s a toss-up whether she comes again or not, but if money can buy her to look after me she shall be bought. Nobody else in the world would take the trouble, and I can make it worth her while. She’s a child of the gutter holding brevet rank as a barmaid; so she shall have everything she wants if she’ll only come and talk and look after me.” He rubbed his newly shorn chin and began to perplex himself with the thought of her not coming. “I suppose I did look rather a sweep,” he went on. “I had no reason to look otherwise. I knew things dropped on my clothes, but it didn’t matter. It would be cruel if she didn’t come. She must. Maisie came once, and that was enough for her. She was quite right. She had something to work for. This creature has only beer-handles to pull, unless she has deluded some young man into keeping company with her.
“Let’s think about this,” he said after lunch. “The girl doesn’t care, and it’s a gamble whether she’ll come back or not, but if I can pay her to look after me, then I’ll pay. No one else in the world would bother, and I can make it worth her time. She’s just a kid from the streets, pretending to be a barmaid; so she’ll get anything she wants if she’ll just come, talk, and take care of me.” He rubbed his freshly shaved chin and started to worry about the possibility of her not coming. “I guess I did look pretty shabby,” he continued. “I had no reason to look any better. I knew my clothes were a mess, but it didn’t matter. It would be cruel if she didn’t come. She has to. Maisie came once, and that was enough for her. She was right. She had something to strive for. This girl has nothing to pull her up except maybe she’s managed to trick some young guy into dating her.”
Fancy being cheated for the sake of a counter-jumper! We’re falling pretty low.”
Fancy being duped just for the sake of a shop assistant! We’re hitting a pretty low point.
Something cried aloud within him:—This will hurt more than anything that has gone before. It will recall and remind and suggest and tantalise, and in the end drive you mad.
Something cried out inside him:—This will hurt more than anything that has come before. It will bring back memories, remind you, suggest, and tease, and in the end, it will drive you crazy.
“I know it, I know it!” Dick cried, clenching his hands despairingly; “but, good heavens! is a poor blind beggar never to get anything out of his life except three meals a day and a greasy waistcoat? I wish she’d come.”
“I know it, I know it!” Dick shouted, clenching his hands in despair; “but, good grief! is a poor blind beggar never going to get anything out of his life except three meals a day and a dirty vest? I wish she’d show up.”
Early in the afternoon time she came, because there was no young man in her life just then, and she thought of material advantages which would allow her to be idle for the rest of her days.
Early in the afternoon, she showed up, since there was no young man in her life at that moment, and she considered the financial benefits that would enable her to be lazy for the rest of her days.
“I shouldn’t have known you,” she said approvingly. “You look as you used to look—a gentleman that was proud of himself.”
“I shouldn’t have known you,” she said with approval. “You look just like you did before—a guy who was proud of himself.”
“Don’t you think I deserve another kiss, then?” said Dick, flushing a little.
“Don’t you think I deserve another kiss, then?” Dick said, blushing a bit.
“Maybe—but you won’t get it yet. Sit down and let’s see what I can do for you. I’m certain sure Mr. Beeton cheats you, now that you can’t go through the housekeeping books every month. Isn’t that true?”
“Maybe—but you won’t understand it yet. Sit down and let’s figure out what I can do for you. I’m pretty sure Mr. Beeton is cheating you now that you can’t check the housekeeping books every month. Isn’t that right?”
“You’d better come and housekeep for me then, Bessie.”
“You should come and help me with housekeeping then, Bessie.”
“Couldn’t do it in these chambers—you know that as well as I do.”
“Can't do it in these rooms—you know that as well as I do.”
“I know, but we might go somewhere else, if you thought it worth your while.”
“I know, but we could go somewhere else if you think it’s worth your time.”
“I’d try to look after you, anyhow; but I shouldn’t care to have to work for both of us.” This was tentative.
“I’d try to take care of you, anyway; but I wouldn’t want to have to work for both of us.” This was uncertain.
Dick laughed.
Dick chuckled.
“Do you remember where I used to keep my bank-book?” said he. “Torp took it to be balanced just before he went away. Look and see.”
“Do you remember where I kept my bank book?” he asked. “Torp took it to be balanced right before he left. Go check.”
“It was generally under the tobacco-jar. Ah!”
“It was usually under the tobacco jar. Ah!”
“Well?”
"What's up?"
“Oh! Four thousand two hundred and ten pounds nine shillings and a penny! Oh my!”
“Oh! Four thousand two hundred ten pounds, nine shillings, and a penny! Oh my!”
“You can have the penny. That’s not bad for one year’s work. Is that and a hundred and twenty pounds a year good enough?”
“You can keep the penny. That’s not bad for a year’s work. Is that and a hundred and twenty pounds a year good enough?”
The idleness and the pretty clothes were almost within her reach now, but she must, by being housewifely, show that she deserved them.
The laziness and the nice clothes were almost within her grasp now, but she had to prove she deserved them by being a good housewife.
“Yes; but you’d have to move, and if we took an inventory, I think we’d find that Mr. Beeton has been prigging little things out of the rooms here and there. They don’t look as full as they used.”
“Yes; but you’d have to move, and if we checked, I think we’d discover that Mr. Beeton has been stealing little things from the rooms here and there. They don't seem as full as they used to.”
“Never mind, we’ll let him have them. The only thing I’m particularly anxious to take away is that picture I used you for—when you used to swear at me. We’ll pull out of this place, Bess, and get away as far as ever we can.”
“Never mind, we’ll let him have them. The only thing I really want to take back is that picture I used you for—when you used to curse at me. We’ll get out of this place, Bess, and go as far away as we can.”
“Oh yes,” she said uneasily.
"Oh yeah," she said uneasily.
“I don’t know where I can go to get away from myself, but I’ll try, and you shall have all the pretty frocks that you care for. You’ll like that.
“I don’t know where I can go to escape from myself, but I’ll try, and you can have all the nice dresses you want. You’ll like that.”
Give me that kiss now, Bess. Ye gods! it’s good to put one’s arm round a woman’s waist again.”
Give me that kiss now, Bess. Oh my gosh! It feels good to wrap my arm around a woman's waist again.
Then came the fulfilment of the prophecy within the brain. If his arm were thus round Maisie’s waist and a kiss had just been given and taken between them,—why then... He pressed the girl more closely to himself because the pain whipped him. She was wondering how to explain a little accident to the Melancolia. At any rate, if this man really desired the solace of her company—and certainly he would relapse into his original slough if she withdrew it—he would not be more than just a little vexed.
Then the prophecy in his mind came to life. If his arm was wrapped around Maisie’s waist and they had just exchanged a kiss—then... He pulled her closer because the pain was intense. She was thinking about how to explain a small accident to the Melancolia. Anyway, if this man truly wanted her company—and he would definitely fall back into his previous state if she left—he would only be slightly annoyed.
It would be delightful at least to see what would happen, and by her teachings it was good for a man to stand in certain awe of his companion.
It would be great to at least see what happens, and according to her teachings, it was important for a man to have a healthy respect for his companion.
She laughed nervously, and slipped out of his reach.
She laughed nervously and moved out of his reach.
“I shouldn’t worrit about that picture if I was you,” she began, in the hope of turning his attention.
“I wouldn't worry about that picture if I were you,” she started, hoping to shift his focus.
“It’s at the back of all my canvases somewhere. Find it, Bess; you know it as well as I do.”
“It’s at the back of all my canvases somewhere. Find it, Bess; you know it just as well as I do.”
“I know—but—”
"I get it, but—"
“But what? You’ve wit enough to manage the sale of it to a dealer.
“But what? You’re smart enough to handle selling it to a dealer.”
Women haggle much better than men. It might be a matter of eight or nine hundred pounds to—to us. I simply didn’t like to think about it for a long time. It was mixed up with my life so.—But we’ll cover up our tracks and get rid of everything, eh? Make a fresh start from the beginning, Bess.”
Women negotiate much better than men. It could be a difference of eight or nine hundred pounds to us. I just didn’t want to think about it for a long time. It was intertwined with my life so much.—But we’ll erase our traces and get rid of everything, right? Let’s make a fresh start from the beginning, Bess.”
Then she began to repent very much indeed, because she knew the value of money. Still, it was probable that the blind man was overestimating the value of his work. Gentlemen, she knew, were absurdly particular about their things. She giggled as a nervous housemaid giggles when she tries to explain the breakage of a pipe.
Then she started to feel really regretful because she understood how much money mattered. Still, it was likely that the blind man was valuing his work too highly. She knew that gentlemen could be ridiculously picky about their possessions. She chuckled, like a nervous housemaid does when trying to explain a broken pipe.
“I’m very sorry, but you remember I was—I was angry with you before Mr. Torpenhow went away?”
“I’m really sorry, but do you remember I was— I was upset with you before Mr. Torpenhow left?”
“You were very angry, child; and on my word I think you had some right to be.”
“You were really angry, kid; and honestly, I think you had every reason to be.”
“Then I—but aren’t you sure Mr. Torpenhow didn’t tell you?”
“Then I—but are you really sure Mr. Torpenhow didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what? Good gracious, what are you making such a fuss about when you might just as well be giving me another kiss?”
“Tell me what? Goodness, why are you making such a big deal when you could just give me another kiss instead?”
He was beginning to learn, not for the first time in his experience, that kissing is a cumulative poison. The more you get of it, the more you want.
He was starting to realize, not for the first time in his experience, that kissing is like a slowly building poison. The more you have, the more you crave.
Bessie gave the kiss promptly, whispering, as she did so, “I was so angry I rubbed out that picture with the turpentine. You aren’t angry, are you?”
Bessie quickly kissed him and whispered, “I was so mad I wiped out that picture with turpentine. You’re not mad, are you?”
“What? Say that again.” The man’s hand had closed on her wrist.
“What? Say that again.” The man's hand had tightened around her wrist.
“I rubbed it out with turps and the knife,” faltered Bessie. “I thought you’d only have to do it over again. You did do it over again, didn’t you? Oh, let go of my wrist; you’re hurting me.”
“I cleaned it up with turpentine and the knife,” Bessie said hesitantly. “I thought you’d just have to redo it. You did redo it, right? Oh, let go of my wrist; you’re hurting me.”
“Isn’t there anything left of the thing?”
“Isn’t there anything left of it?”
“N’nothing that looks like anything. I’m sorry—I didn’t know you’d take on about it; I only meant to do it in fun. You aren’t going to hit me?”
“N-nothing that looks like anything. I’m sorry—I didn’t realize you’d get upset about it; I just meant it as a joke. You’re not going to hit me, are you?”
“Hit you! No! Let’s think.”
"Punch you? No! Let's think."
He did not relax his hold upon her wrist but stood staring at the carpet. Then he shook his head as a young steer shakes it when the lash of the stock-whip cross his nose warns him back to the path on to the shambles that he would escape. For weeks he had forced himself not to think of the Melancolia, because she was a part of his dead life. With Bessie’s return and certain new prospects that had developed themselves, the Melancolia—lovelier in his imagination than she had ever been on canvas—reappeared. By her aid he might have procured more money wherewith to amuse Bess and to forget Maisie, as well as another taste of an almost forgotten success. Now, thanks to a vicious little housemaid’s folly, there was nothing to look for—not even the hope that he might some day take an abiding interest in the housemaid. Worst of all, he had been made to appear ridiculous in Maisie’s eyes. A woman will forgive the man who has ruined her life’s work so long as he gives her love; a man may forgive those who ruin the love of his life, but he will never forgive the destruction of his work.
He didn't let go of her wrist but stood staring at the carpet. Then he shook his head like a young steer does when the whip across its nose warns it away from the path to the slaughterhouse that it wants to escape. For weeks, he had forced himself not to think about the Melancolia because she was part of his past life. With Bessie’s return and certain new opportunities that had come up, the Melancolia—more beautiful in his mind than she had ever been on canvas—came back to him. With her help, he could have gotten more money to entertain Bess and forget about Maisie, plus another taste of an almost forgotten success. Now, thanks to a mischievous little housemaid's mistake, there was nothing to look forward to—not even the hope that he might someday be truly interested in the housemaid. Worst of all, he had been made to look foolish in Maisie’s eyes. A woman will forgive the man who has ruined her life's work as long as he gives her love; a man may forgive those who ruin the love of his life, but he will never forgive the destruction of his work.
“Tck—tck—tck,” said Dick between his teeth, and then laughed softly. “It’s an omen, Bessie, and—a good many things considered, it serves me right for doing what I have done. By Jove! that accounts for Maisie’s running away. She must have thought me perfectly mad—small blame to her! The whole picture ruined, isn’t it so? What made you do it?”
“Tck—tck—tck,” Dick said through clenched teeth, then chuckled softly. “It’s an omen, Bessie, and given everything that’s happened, I guess I deserve it for what I’ve done. Wow! That definitely explains why Maisie ran away. She must have thought I was completely crazy—hard to blame her! The whole situation is a mess, isn’t it? What made you do it?”
“Because I was that angry. I’m not angry now—I’m awful sorry.”
“Because I was that angry. I’m not angry now—I’m really sorry.”
“I wonder.—It doesn’t matter, anyhow. I’m to blame for making the mistake.”
“I wonder. It doesn’t really matter, anyway. I’m the one at fault for making the mistake.”
“What mistake?”
“What error?”
“Something you wouldn’t understand, dear. Great heavens! to think that a little piece of dirt like you could throw me out of stride!” Dick was talking to himself as Bessie tried to shake off his grip on her wrist.
“Something you wouldn’t get, dear. Good grief! to think that a little piece of dirt like you could throw me off my game!” Dick was talking to himself as Bessie tried to shake off his hold on her wrist.
“I ain’t a piece of dirt, and you shouldn’t call me so! I did it “cause I hated you, and I’m only sorry now “cause you’re—’cause you’re——”
“I’m not a piece of dirt, and you shouldn’t call me that! I did it because I hated you, and I only feel sorry now because you’re—because you’re——”
“Exactly—because I’m blind. There’s nothing like tact in little things.”
“Exactly—because I can’t see. There’s nothing quite like being considerate in the small stuff.”
Bessie began to sob. She did not like being shackled against her will; she was afraid of the blind face and the look upon it, and was sorry too that her great revenge had only made Dick laugh.
Bessie started to cry. She hated being restrained against her will; she was terrified by the blind face and the expression on it, and she regretted that her big revenge had only made Dick laugh.
“Don’t cry,” he said, and took her into his arms. “You only did what you thought right.”
“Don’t cry,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “You only did what you thought was right.”
“I—I ain’t a little piece of dirt, and if you say that I’ll never come to you again.”
“I—I’m not just a little piece of dirt, and if you say that, I won’t come to you again.”
“You don’t know what you’ve done to me. I’m not angry—indeed, I’m not.
“You don’t know what you’ve done to me. I’m not mad—really, I’m not.
Be quiet for a minute.”
"Please be quiet for a minute."
Bessie remained in his arms shrinking. Dick’s first thought was connected with Maisie, and it hurt him as white-hot iron hurts an open sore.
Bessie stayed in his arms, getting smaller. Dick’s first thought was about Maisie, and it hurt him like hot iron on an open wound.
Not for nothing is a man permitted to ally himself to the wrong woman.
Not without reason does a man have the freedom to get involved with the wrong woman.
The first pang—the first sense of things lost is but the prelude to the play, for the very just Providence who delights in causing pain has decreed that the agony shall return, and that in the midst of keenest pleasure.
The first pang—the first feeling of things lost is just the beginning of the show, because the fair Providence that enjoys causing pain has decided that the suffering will come back, and that it will happen right in the middle of the greatest pleasure.
They know this pain equally who have forsaken or been forsaken by the love of their life, and in their new wives’ arms are compelled to realise it.
They feel this pain just as much those who have left or been left by the love of their life, and in their new wives’ arms, they are forced to confront it.
It is better to remain alone and suffer only the misery of being alone, so long as it is possible to find distraction in daily work. When that resource goes the man is to be pitied and left alone.
It’s better to be alone and deal with the pain of loneliness, as long as you can find a distraction in your daily work. When that distraction is gone, the person deserves pity and should be left alone.
These things and some others Dick considered while he was holding Bessie to his heart.
These things and a few others ran through Dick's mind as he held Bessie close to his heart.
“Though you mayn’t know it,” he said, raising his head, “the Lord is a just and a terrible God, Bess; with a very strong sense of humour. It serves me right—how it serves me right! Torp could understand it if he were here; he must have suffered something at your hands, child, but only for a minute or so. I saved him. Set that to my credit, some one.”
“Even if you don’t realize it,” he said, lifting his head, “the Lord is a fair and powerful God, Bess; he has a great sense of humor. I deserve this—how I really do! Torp would get it if he were here; he must have endured something from you, kid, but just for a moment. I saved him. Give me credit for that, someone.”
“Let me go,” said Bess, her face darkening. “Let me go.”
“Let me go,” Bess said, her expression turning serious. “Let me go.”
“All in good time. Did you ever attend Sunday school?”
“All in good time. Did you ever go to Sunday school?”
“Never. Let me go, I tell you; you’re making fun of me.”
“Never. Let me go, I’m serious; you’re just mocking me.”
“Indeed, I’m not. I’m making fun of myself.... Thus. “He saved others, himself he cannot save.” It isn’t exactly a school-board text.” He released her wrist, but since he was between her and the door, she could not escape. “What an enormous amount of mischief one little woman can do!”
“Yeah, I’m not. I’m just joking about myself.... So. “He saved others; he can't save himself.” It’s not exactly a school-board quote.” He let go of her wrist, but since he was blocking the door, she couldn’t get away. “What a huge amount of trouble one small woman can cause!”
“I’m sorry; I’m awful sorry about the picture.”
“I’m sorry; I’m really sorry about the picture.”
“I’m not. I’m grateful to you for spoiling it.... What were we talking about before you mentioned the thing?”
“I’m not. I appreciate you for ruining it.... What were we discussing before you brought that up?”
“About getting away—and money. Me and you going away.”
“About escaping—and money. You and I going away.”
“Of course. We will get away—that is to say, I will.”
“Of course. We'll escape—that is to say, I will.”
“And me?”
"And me?"
“You shall have fifty whole pounds for spoiling a picture.”
“You will get fifty pounds for ruining a painting.”
“Then you won’t——?”
“Then you won’t——?”
“I’m afraid not, dear. Think of fifty pounds for pretty things all to yourself.”
“I’m sorry, dear. Just imagine having fifty pounds to spend on beautiful things all for yourself.”
“You said you couldn’t do anything without me.”
“You said you couldn’t do anything without me.”
“That was true a little while ago. I’m better now, thank you. Get me my hat.”
“That's true from a little while ago. I'm better now, thanks. Get me my hat.”
“S’pose I don’t?”
"What if I don't?"
“Beeton will, and you’ll lose fifty pounds. That’s all. Get it.”
“Beeton will, and you’ll lose fifty pounds. That’s it. Got it?”
Bessie cursed under her breath. She had pitied the man sincerely, had kissed him with almost equal sincerity, for he was not unhandsome; it pleased her to be in a way and for a time his protector, and above all there were four thousand pounds to be handled by some one. Now through a slip of the tongue and a little feminine desire to give a little, not too much, pain she had lost the money, the blessed idleness and the pretty things, the companionship, and the chance of looking outwardly as respectable as a real lady.
Bessie cursed quietly to herself. She genuinely felt sorry for the guy and had kissed him with almost as much sincerity, because he wasn’t bad-looking. It made her happy to be his protector, even if just for a while, and, most importantly, there was four thousand pounds that needed to be managed. Now, because of a slip of the tongue and a little bit of that feminine tendency to inflict some pain, but not too much, she had lost the money, the sweet freedom, the nice things, the companionship, and the opportunity to appear as respectable as a real lady.
“Now fill me a pipe. Tobacco doesn’t taste, but it doesn’t matter, and I’ll think things out. What’s the day of the week, Bess?”
“Now fill me a pipe. Tobacco doesn’t have much flavor, but it’s fine, and I’ll sort things out. What day is it, Bess?”
“Tuesday.”
“Tuesday.”
“Then Thursday’s mail-day. What a fool—what a blind fool I have been! Twenty-two pounds covers my passage home again. Allow ten for additional expenses. We must put up at Madam Binat’s for old time’s sake. Thirty-two pounds altogether. Add a hundred for the cost of the last trip—Gad, won’t Torp stare to see me!—a hundred and thirty-two leaves seventy-eight for baksheesh—I shall need it—and to play with. What are you crying for, Bess? It wasn’t your fault, child; it was mine altogether. Oh, you funny little opossum, mop your eyes and take me out! I want the pass-book and the check-book. Stop a minute. Four thousand pounds at four per cent—that’s safe interest—means a hundred and sixty pounds a year; one hundred and twenty pounds a year—also safe—is two eighty, and two hundred and eighty pounds added to three hundred a year means gilded luxury for a single woman. Bess, we’ll go to the bank.”
“Then it’s Thursday, mail day. What a fool—what a blind fool I’ve been! Twenty-two pounds covers my ticket home. Let’s set aside ten for extra expenses. We have to stay at Madam Binat’s for old time’s sake. That’s thirty-two pounds total. Add a hundred for the last trip—wow, Torp won’t believe his eyes when he sees me!—a hundred and thirty-two leaves seventy-eight for baksheesh—I’ll need it—and to play with. Why are you crying, Bess? It wasn’t your fault, sweetheart; it was all on me. Oh, you silly little opossum, dry your eyes and take me out! I want the passbook and the checkbook. Hold on a second. Four thousand pounds at four percent—that's safe interest—gives me a hundred and sixty pounds a year; one hundred and twenty pounds a year—also safe—means two eighty, and two hundred and eighty pounds added to three hundred a year means a comfortable life for a single woman. Bess, we’re going to the bank.”
Richer by two hundred and ten pounds stored in his money-belt, Dick caused Bessie, now thoroughly bewildered, to hurry from the bank to the P. and O. offices, where he explained things tersely.
Richer by two hundred and ten pounds stored in his money belt, Dick made Bessie, now completely confused, rush from the bank to the P. and O. offices, where he explained everything briefly.
“Port Said, single first; cabin as close to the baggage-hatch as possible.
“Port Said, single first; cabin as close to the baggage-hatch as possible.”
What ship’s going?”
Which ship is leaving?
“The Colgong,” said the clerk.
“The Colgong,” said the clerk.
“She’s a wet little hooker. Is it Tilbury and a tender, or Galleons and the docks?”
“She’s a little wet hooker. Is it Tilbury and a tender, or Galleons and the docks?”
“Galleons. Twelve-forty, Thursday.”
“Galleons. 12:40 PM, Thursday.”
“Thanks. Change, please. I can’t see very well—will you count it into my hand?”
“Thanks. Can I get some change, please? I can’t see very well—could you count it into my hand?”
“If they all took their passages like that instead of talking about their trunks, life would be worth something,” said the clerk to his neighbour, who was trying to explain to a harassed mother of many that condensed milk is just as good for babes at sea as daily dairy. Being nineteen and unmarried, he spoke with conviction.
“If everyone took their trips like that instead of going on about their luggage, life would be meaningful,” said the clerk to his neighbor, who was trying to explain to a stressed mother of many that condensed milk is just as good for babies at sea as regular milk. At nineteen and single, he spoke with confidence.
“We are now,” quoth Dick, as they returned to the studio, patting the place where his money-belt covered ticket and money, “beyond the reach of man, or devil, or woman—which is much more important. I’ve had three little affairs to carry through before Thursday, but I needn’t ask you to help, Bess. Come here on Thursday morning at nine. We’ll breakfast, and you shall take me down to Galleons Station.”
“We’re all set now,” said Dick as they walked back to the studio, patting the spot where his money-belt held his ticket and cash, “out of reach of anyone—man, devil, or woman—which is the most important part. I have three small tasks to handle before Thursday, but I won’t ask you to help, Bess. Just come here on Thursday morning at nine. We’ll have breakfast, and then you can take me down to Galleons Station.”
“What are you going to do?”
“What are you going to do?”
“Going away, of course. What should I stay for?”
“Leaving, obviously. What should I stick around for?”
“But you can’t look after yourself?”
“But you can’t take care of yourself?”
“I can do anything. I didn’t realise it before, but I can. I’ve done a great deal already. Resolution shall be treated to one kiss if Bessie doesn’t object.” Strangely enough, Bessie objected and Dick laughed. “I suppose you’re right. Well, come at nine the day after to-morrow and you’ll get your money.”
“I can do anything. I didn't realize it before, but I can. I've already done a lot. Resolution gets a kiss if Bessie doesn't mind.” Oddly enough, Bessie minded and Dick laughed. “I guess you're right. Well, come at nine the day after tomorrow and you'll get your money.”
“Shall I sure?”
"Should I be sure?"
“I don’t bilk, and you won’t know whether I do or not unless you come.
“I don’t cheat, and you won’t find out if I do or not unless you come.”
Oh, but it’s long and long to wait! Good-bye, Bessie,—send Beeton here as you go out.”
Oh, but it’s such a long wait! Goodbye, Bessie—please send Beeton here as you step out.”
The housekeeper came.
The housekeeper arrived.
“What are all the fittings of my rooms worth?” said Dick, imperiously.
“What are all the fittings in my rooms worth?” Dick asked, with an air of authority.
“’Tisn’t for me to say, sir. Some things is very pretty and some is wore out dreadful.”
“It's not for me to say, sir. Some things are very pretty and some are worn out badly.”
“I’m insured for two hundred and seventy.”
“I have insurance for two hundred and seventy.”
“Insurance policies is no criterion, though I don’t say——”
“Insurance policies are not a criterion, though I don’t say——”
“Oh, damn your longwindedness! You’ve made your pickings out of me and the other tenants. Why, you talked of retiring and buying a public-house the other day. Give a straight answer to a straight question.”
“Oh, damn your long-windedness! You've taken advantage of me and the other tenants. You talked about quitting and buying a pub the other day. Just give a straight answer to a straight question.”
“Fifty,” said Mr. Beeton, without a moment’s hesitation.
“Fifty,” Mr. Beeton said, without a moment’s hesitation.
“Double it; or I’ll break up half my sticks and burn the rest.”
“Double it; or I’ll snap half my sticks and burn the rest.”
He felt his way to a bookstand that supported a pile of sketch-books, and wrenched out one of the mahogany pillars.
He found his way to a bookstand that held a stack of sketchbooks and pulled out one of the mahogany pillars.
“That’s sinful, sir,” said the housekeeper, alarmed.
"That's wrong, sir," said the housekeeper, worried.
“It’s my own. One hundred or——”
“It’s my own. One hundred or——”
“One hundred it is. It’ll cost me three and six to get that there pilaster mended.”
“One hundred it is. It’ll cost me three shillings and sixpence to get that pilaster fixed.”
“I thought so. What an out and out swindler you must have been to spring that price at once!”
“I thought so. What a total scammer you must have been to hit me with that price right away!”
“I hope I’ve done nothing to dissatisfy any of the tenants, least of all you, sir.”
“I hope I haven’t done anything to upset any of the tenants, especially you, sir.”
“Never mind that. Get me the money to-morrow, and see that all my clothes are packed in the little brown bullock-trunk. I’m going.”
"Forget about that. Get me the money tomorrow, and make sure all my clothes are packed in the little brown bullock trunk. I'm leaving."
“But the quarter’s notice?”
“But the two-week notice?”
“I’ll pay forfeit. Look after the packing and leave me alone.”
“I’ll take the loss. Handle the packing and give me some space.”
Mr. Beeton discussed this new departure with his wife, who decided that Bessie was at the bottom of it all. Her husband took a more charitable view.
Mr. Beeton talked about this new direction with his wife, who believed that Bessie was the root of the issue. Her husband had a more forgiving perspective.
“It’s very sudden—but then he was always sudden in his ways. Listen to him now!”
“It’s really sudden—but then he was always unpredictable. Listen to him now!”
There was a sound of chanting from Dick’s room.
There was a sound of chanting coming from Dick's room.
“We’ll never come back any more, boys,
We’ll never come back no more;
We’ll go to the deuce on any excuse,
And never come back no more!
Oh say we’re afloat or ashore, boys,
Oh say we’re afloat or ashore;
But we’ll never come back any more, boys,
We’ll never come back no more!”
“We’re never coming back again, guys,
We’re never coming back anymore;
We’ll head off to trouble for any reason,
And never come back anymore!
Oh say we’re out at sea or on land, boys,
Oh say we’re out at sea or on land;
But we’re never coming back again, guys,
We’re never coming back anymore!”
“Mr. Beeton! Mr. Beeton! Where the deuce is my pistol?”
“Mr. Beeton! Mr. Beeton! Where on earth is my pistol?”
“Quick, he’s going to shoot himself—’avin’ gone mad!” said Mrs. Beeton.
“Quick, he’s going to shoot himself—he’s gone crazy!” said Mrs. Beeton.
Mr. Beeton addressed Dick soothingly, but it was some time before the latter, threshing up and down his bedroom, could realise the intention of the promises to “find everything to-morrow, sir.”
Mr. Beeton spoke to Dick in a calming way, but it took a while for Dick, pacing back and forth in his bedroom, to grasp what the promises of “finding everything tomorrow, sir” really meant.
“Oh, you copper-nosed old fool—you impotent Academician!” he shouted at last. “Do you suppose I want to shoot myself? Take the pistol in your silly shaking hand then. If you touch it, it will go off, because it’s loaded. It’s among my campaign-kit somewhere—in the parcel at the bottom of the trunk.”
“Oh, you old fool with your copper nose—you useless Academician!” he finally shouted. “Do you really think I want to kill myself? Here, take the pistol in your trembling hand then. If you touch it, it will go off because it’s loaded. It’s in my campaign kit somewhere—in the parcel at the bottom of the trunk.”
Long ago Dick had carefully possessed himself of a forty-pound weight field-equipment constructed by the knowledge of his own experience. It was this put-away treasure that he was trying to find and rehandle. Mr. Beeton whipped the revolver out of its place on the top of the package, and Dick drove his hand among the khaki coat and breeches, the blue cloth leg-bands, and the heavy flannel shirts doubled over a pair of swan-neck spurs. Under these and the water-bottle lay a sketch-book and a pigskin case of stationery.
Long ago, Dick had carefully secured a forty-pound weight field equipment built from the knowledge of his own experience. It was this stashed treasure that he was trying to find and reorganize. Mr. Beeton whipped the revolver out from on top of the package, and Dick searched through the khaki coat and pants, the blue cloth leg bands, and the heavy flannel shirts folded over a pair of swan-neck spurs. Beneath these and the water bottle lay a sketchbook and a pigskin case of stationery.
“These we don’t want; you can have them, Mr. Beeton. Everything else I’ll keep. Pack ’em on the top right-hand side of my trunk. When you’ve done that come into the studio with your wife. I want you both. Wait a minute; get me a pen and a sheet of notepaper.”
“These we don’t want; you can take them, Mr. Beeton. I’ll keep everything else. Pack them on the top right side of my trunk. Once you’re done with that, come into the studio with your wife. I want both of you. Hold on a second; get me a pen and a piece of notepaper.”
It is not an easy thing to write when you cannot see, and Dick had particular reasons for wishing that his work should be clear. So he began, following his right hand with his left: ““The badness of this writing is because I am blind and cannot see my pen.” H’mph!—even a lawyer can’t mistake that. It must be signed, I suppose, but it needn’t be witnessed. Now an inch lower—why did I never learn to use a type-writer?—“This is the last will and testament of me, Richard Heldar. I am in sound bodily and mental health, and there is no previous will to revoke.”—That’s all right. Damn the pen! Whereabouts on the paper was I?—“I leave everything that I possess in the world, including four thousand pounds, and two thousand seven hundred and twenty eight pounds held for me”—oh, I can’t get this straight.” He tore off half the sheet and began again with the caution about the handwriting. Then: “I leave all the money I possess in the world to’—here followed Maisie’s name, and the names of the two banks that held the money.
It’s not easy to write when you can’t see, and Dick had specific reasons for wanting his work to be clear. So he started, guiding his right hand with his left: “The quality of this writing is poor because I am blind and cannot see my pen.” H’mph!—even a lawyer can’t misinterpret that. It must be signed, I guess, but it doesn’t need to be witnessed. Now an inch lower—why did I never learn to use a typewriter?—“This is the last will and testament of me, Richard Heldar. I am in sound bodily and mental health, and there is no previous will to revoke.”—That’s good. Damn the pen! Where was I on the paper?—“I leave everything I own in the world, including four thousand pounds, and two thousand seven hundred and twenty-eight pounds held for me”—oh, I can’t get this straight.” He ripped off half the sheet and started over with the note about the handwriting. Then: “I leave all the money I possess in the world to”—here came Maisie’s name, along with the names of the two banks that held the money.
“It mayn’t be quite regular, but no one has a shadow of a right to dispute it, and I’ve given Maisie’s address. Come in, Mr. Beeton. This is my signature; I want you and your wife to witness it. Thanks. To-morrow you must take me to the landlord and I’ll pay forfeit for leaving without notice, and I’ll lodge this paper with him in case anything happens while I’m away. Now we’re going to light up the studio stove. Stay with me, and give me my papers as I want ’em.”
“It might not be completely official, but no one has any right to argue about it, and I've given Maisie's address. Come in, Mr. Beeton. This is my signature; I want you and your wife to witness it. Thanks. Tomorrow you have to take me to the landlord so I can pay the penalty for leaving without notice, and I’ll give this paper to him in case anything happens while I’m gone. Now we’re going to turn on the studio stove. Stay with me and hand me my papers as I ask for them.”
No one knows until he has tried how fine a blaze a year’s accumulation of bills, letters, and dockets can make. Dick stuffed into the stove every document in the studio—saving only three unopened letters; destroyed sketch-books, rough note-books, new and half-finished canvases alike.
No one realizes how great a fire a year’s worth of bills, letters, and papers can create until they’ve actually tried it. Dick stuffed every document from the studio into the stove—keeping only three unopened letters; he destroyed sketchbooks, rough notebooks, and both new and unfinished canvases.
“What a lot of rubbish a tenant gets about him if he stays long enough in one place, to be sure,” said Mr. Beeton, at last.
“What a lot of nonsense a tenant gets surrounded by if he stays in one place long enough, that’s for sure,” said Mr. Beeton, finally.
“He does. Is there anything more left?” Dick felt round the walls.
“He does. Is there anything else left?” Dick felt around the walls.
“Not a thing, and the stove’s nigh red-hot.”
“Not a thing, and the stove’s almost red-hot.”
“Excellent, and you’ve lost about a thousand pounds’ worth of sketches.
“Great, and you’ve lost about a thousand dollars’ worth of sketches.
Ho! ho! Quite a thousand pounds’ worth, if I can remember what I used to be.”
Ho! ho! Definitely worth a thousand pounds, if I can remember who I used to be.
“Yes, sir,” politely. Mr. Beeton was quite sure that Dick had gone mad, otherwise he would have never parted with his excellent furniture for a song. The canvas things took up storage room and were much better out of the way.
“Yes, sir,” he said respectfully. Mr. Beeton was certain that Dick had lost his mind; otherwise, he would never have sold his great furniture for so little. The canvas items took up space and were much better out of the way.
There remained only to leave the little will in safe hands: that could not be accomplished to to-morrow. Dick groped about the floor picking up the last pieces of paper, assured himself again and again that there remained no written word or sign of his past life in drawer or desk, and sat down before the stove till the fire died out and the contracting iron cracked in the silence of the night.
There was just the task of leaving the little will in safe hands, but that couldn't happen until tomorrow. Dick searched the floor, picking up the last bits of paper, making sure over and over that there were no written words or signs of his past life left in the drawer or on the desk, and then he sat down in front of the stove until the fire went out and the metal creaked in the stillness of the night.
CHAPTER XV
With a heart of furious fancies,
Whereof I am commander;
With a burning spear and a horse of air,
To the wilderness I wander.
With a knight of ghosts and shadows
I summoned am to tourney—
Ten leagues beyond the wide world’s end,
Methinks it is no journey.
—Tom a’ Bedlam’s Song.
With a heart full of intense desires,
Of which I am the leader;
With a blazing spear and a horse made of air,
I roam the wilderness.
With a knight made of ghosts and shadows
I’m called to battle—
Ten leagues past the edge of the world,
I think it’s not much of a journey.
—Tom a’ Bedlam’s Song.
“Good-bye, Bess; I promised you fifty. Here’s a hundred—all that I got for my furniture from Beeton. That will keep you in pretty frocks for some time. You’ve been a good little girl, all things considered, but you’ve given me and Torpenhow a fair amount of trouble.”
“Goodbye, Bess; I promised you fifty. Here’s a hundred—all I got for my furniture from Beeton. That should keep you in nice dresses for a while. You’ve been a good girl, all things considered, but you’ve caused me and Torpenhow quite a bit of trouble.”
“Give Mr. Torpenhow my love if you see him, won’t you?”
“Please send my love to Mr. Torpenhow if you see him, okay?”
“Of course I will, dear. Now take me up the gang-plank and into the cabin. Once aboard the lugger and the maid is—and I am free, I mean.”
“Of course I will, dear. Now take me up the gangway and into the cabin. Once we’re on the boat and the maid is—and I’m free, I mean.”
“Who’ll look after you on this ship?”
“Who will take care of you on this ship?”
“The head-steward, if there’s any use in money. The doctor when we come to Port Said, if I know anything of P. and O. doctors. After that, the Lord will provide, as He used to do.”
“The head steward, if money matters at all. The doctor when we arrive at Port Said, if I know anything about P. and O. doctors. After that, God will take care of it, just like He always has.”
Bess found Dick his cabin in the wild turmoil of a ship full of leavetakers and weeping relatives. Then he kissed her, and laid himself down in his bunk until the decks should be clear. He who had taken so long to move about his own darkened rooms well understood the geography of a ship, and the necessity of seeing to his own comforts was as wine to him.
Bess found Dick in his cabin amidst the chaos of a ship crowded with people saying goodbye and tearful relatives. Then he kissed her and lay down in his bunk until the decks were clear. He, who had taken so long to navigate his own darkened rooms, understood the layout of a ship well, and attending to his own comforts was as pleasing to him as wine.
Before the screw began to thrash the ship along the Docks he had been introduced to the head-steward, had royally tipped him, secured a good place at table, opened out his baggage, and settled himself down with joy in the cabin. It was scarcely necessary to feel his way as he moved about, for he knew everything so well. Then God was very kind: a deep sleep of weariness came upon him just as he would have thought of Maisie, and he slept till the steamer had cleared the mouth of the Thames and was lifting to the pulse of the Channel.
Before the propeller started to rock the ship at the docks, he had met the head steward, generously tipped him, gotten a good spot at the table, unpacked his bags, and happily settled into his cabin. It wasn’t even necessary to explore as he moved around because he was so familiar with everything. Then, fortune smiled upon him: a deep sleep of exhaustion washed over him just as he might have thought of Maisie, and he slept until the steamer had passed the mouth of the Thames and was responding to the rhythm of the Channel.
The rattle of the engines, the reek of oil and paint, and a very familiar sound in the next cabin roused him to his new inheritance.
The noise of the engines, the smell of oil and paint, and a very familiar sound coming from the next cabin woke him up to his new inheritance.
“Oh, it’s good to be alive again!” He yawned, stretched himself vigorously, and went on deck to be told that they were almost abreast of the lights of Brighton. This is no more open water than Trafalgar Square is a common; the free levels begin at Ushant; but none the less Dick could feel the healing of the sea at work upon him already. A boisterous little cross-swell swung the steamer disrespectfully by the nose; and one wave breaking far aft spattered the quarterdeck and the pile of new deck-chairs. He heard the foam fall with the clash of broken glass, was stung in the face by a cupful, and sniffing luxuriously, felt his way to the smoking-room by the wheel. There a strong breeze found him, blew his cap off and left him bareheaded in the doorway, and the smoking-room steward, understanding that he was a voyager of experience, said that the weather would be stiff in the chops off the Channel and more than half a gale in the Bay. These things fell as they were foretold, and Dick enjoyed himself to the utmost. It is allowable and even necessary at sea to lay firm hold upon tables, stanchions, and ropes in moving from place to place. On land the man who feels with his hands is patently blind. At sea even a blind man who is not sea-sick can jest with the doctor over the weakness of his fellows. Dick told the doctor many tales—and these are coin of more value than silver if properly handled—smoked with him till unholy hours of the night, and so won his short-lived regard that he promised Dick a few hours of his time when they came to Port Said.
“Oh, it’s great to be alive again!” He yawned, stretched himself out, and went on deck to find out they were almost level with the lights of Brighton. There’s no more open water here than Trafalgar Square is a park; the truly open sea starts at Ushant; but still, Dick could already feel the healing effects of the sea working on him. A lively little swell tossed the steamer around playfully by the nose, and a wave crashing far behind splashed the quarterdeck and the stack of new deck chairs. He heard the foam fall like the sound of breaking glass, was splashed in the face, and taking in the salty scent, made his way to the smoking room by the wheel. There, a strong breeze caught him off guard, blew his cap away, and left him bareheaded in the doorway. The smoking room steward, recognizing him as an experienced traveler, mentioned that the weather would be rough in the Channel and more than halfway to a gale in the Bay. As expected, these conditions unfolded, and Dick enjoyed every moment. At sea, it’s perfectly fine—and even necessary—to hold onto tables, stanchions, and ropes while moving around. On land, a man who feels with his hands is clearly blind. At sea, even a blind person who isn’t seasick can joke with the doctor about the frailty of others. Dick shared many stories with the doctor—and those are worth more than silver if handled well—smoked with him until the wee hours of the night, and gained his fleeting affection enough that he promised Dick a few hours of his time when they reached Port Said.
And the sea roared or was still as the winds blew, and the engines sang their song day and night, and the sun grew stronger day by day, and Tom the Lascar barber shaved Dick of a morning under the opened hatch-grating where the cool winds blew, and the awnings were spread and the passengers made merry, and at last they came to Port Said.
And the sea either roared or was calm as the winds blew, and the engines hummed their tune day and night, and the sun became stronger each day. Tom, the Lascar barber, shaved Dick every morning under the open hatch where the cool winds flowed, and the awnings were up while the passengers enjoyed themselves, and finally, they arrived at Port Said.
“Take me,” said Dick, to the doctor, “to Madame Binat’s—if you know where that is.”
“Take me,” said Dick to the doctor, “to Madame Binat’s—if you know where that is.”
“Whew!” said the doctor, “I do. There’s not much to choose between ’em; but I suppose you’re aware that that’s one of the worst houses in the place. They’ll rob you to begin with, and knife you later.”
“Wow!” said the doctor, “I do. There’s not much difference between them; but I guess you know that’s one of the worst houses around. They’ll take your money to start, and then stab you later.”
“Not they. Take me there, and I can look after myself.”
“Not them. Take me there, and I can handle myself.”
So he was brought to Madame Binat’s and filled his nostrils with the well-remembered smell of the East, that runs without a change from the Canal head to Hong-Kong, and his mouth with the villainous Lingua Franca of the Levant. The heat smote him between the shoulder-blades with the buffet of an old friend, his feet slipped on the sand, and his coat-sleeve was warm as new-baked bread when he lifted it to his nose.
So he was taken to Madame Binat’s and inhaled the familiar scent of the East, a fragrance that remained unchanged from the Canal head to Hong Kong, and his mouth filled with the untrustworthy Lingua Franca of the Levant. The heat hit him in the back like an old friend greeting him, his feet slipped on the sand, and his coat sleeve felt as warm as freshly baked bread when he brought it to his nose.
Madame Binat smiled with the smile that knows no astonishment when Dick entered the drinking-shop which was one source of her gains. But for a little accident of complete darkness he could hardly realise that he had ever quitted the old life that hummed in his ears. Somebody opened a bottle of peculiarly strong Schiedam. The smell reminded Dick of Monsieur Binat, who, by the way, had spoken of art and degradation.
Madame Binat smiled with a knowing smile when Dick walked into the bar that contributed to her income. If it weren’t for the complete darkness, he could hardly believe he had ever left the old life that buzzed in his ears. Someone opened a bottle of particularly strong Schiedam. The smell brought back memories of Monsieur Binat, who had mentioned art and degradation.
Binat was dead; Madame said as much when the doctor departed, scandalised, so far as a ship’s doctor can be, at the warmth of Dick’s reception. Dick was delighted at it. “They remember me here after a year. They have forgotten me across the water by this time. Madame, I want a long talk with you when you’re at liberty. It is good to be back again.”
Binat was dead; Madame said that when the doctor left, shocked, as much as a ship’s doctor can be, at how warmly Dick was welcomed. Dick was thrilled about it. “They remember me here after a year. They probably forgot me across the water by now. Madame, I want to have a long talk with you when you have some free time. It feels great to be back again.”
In the evening she set an iron-topped café-table out on the sands, and Dick and she sat by it, while the house behind them filled with riot, merriment, oaths, and threats. The stars came out and the lights of the shipping in the harbour twinkled by the head of the Canal.
In the evening, she set up an iron-topped café table on the sand, and she and Dick sat by it while the house behind them buzzed with noise, laughter, swearing, and shouting. The stars appeared, and the lights of the boats in the harbor twinkled near the entrance of the Canal.
“Yes. The war is good for trade, my friend; but what dost thou do here? We have not forgotten thee.”
“Yes. The war is good for trade, my friend; but what are you doing here? We haven't forgotten you.”
“I was over there in England and I went blind.”
"I was over in England and I went blind."
“But there was the glory first. We heard of it here, even here—I and Binat; and thou hast used the head of Yellow “Tina—she is still alive—so often and so well that “Tina laughed when the papers arrived by the mail-boats. It was always something that we here could recognise in the paintings. And then there was always the glory and the money for thee.”
“But there was the glory first. We heard about it here, even here—I and Binat; and you’ve used the head of Yellow “Tina—she is still alive—so often and so skillfully that “Tina laughed when the papers arrived by the mailboats. It was always something we could recognize in the paintings. And then there was always the glory and the money for you.”
“I am not poor—I shall pay you well.”
“I’m not poor—I’ll pay you well.”
“Not to me. Thou hast paid for everything.” Under her breath, “Mon Dieu, to be blind and so young! What horror!”
“Not for me. You’ve paid for everything.” She muttered, “Oh my God, to be blind and so young! What a nightmare!”
Dick could not see her face with the pity on it, or his own with the discoloured hair at the temples. He did not feel the need of pity; he was too anxious to get to the front once more, and explained his desire.
Dick couldn’t see her face filled with pity, or his own with the gray hair at his temples. He didn’t need pity; he was too eager to get back to the front again, and he explained his wish.
“And where? The Canal is full of the English ships. Sometimes they fire as they used to do when the war was here—ten years ago. Beyond Cairo there is fighting, but how canst thou go there without a correspondent’s passport? And in the desert there is always fighting, but that is impossible also,” said she.
“And where? The Canal is full of English ships. Sometimes they fire like they used to when the war was here—ten years ago. Beyond Cairo, there’s fighting, but how can you go there without a correspondent’s passport? And in the desert, there’s always fighting, but that’s impossible too,” she said.
“I must go to Suakin.” He knew, thanks to Alf’s readings, that Torpenhow was at work with the column that was protecting the construction of the Suakin-Berber line. P. and O. steamers do not touch at that port, and, besides, Madame Binat knew everybody whose help or advice was worth anything. They were not respectable folk, but they could cause things to be accomplished, which is much more important when there is work toward.
“I need to go to Suakin.” He understood, thanks to Alf’s readings, that Torpenhow was working with the group that was protecting the construction of the Suakin-Berber line. P. and O. steamers don’t stop at that port, and besides, Madame Binat knew everyone whose help or advice was valuable. They weren’t reputable people, but they could get things done, which is much more important when there’s work to be done.
“But at Suakin they are always fighting. That desert breeds men always—and always more men. And they are so bold! Why to Suakin?”
“But at Suakin, they're always fighting. That desert keeps producing men—constantly more men. And they're so daring! Why go to Suakin?”
“My friend is there.
"My friend's there."
“Thy friend! Chtt! Thy friend is death, then.”
“Your friend! Chtt! Your friend is death, then.”
Madame Binat dropped a fat arm on the table-top, filled Dick’s glass anew, and looked at him closely under the stars. There was no need that he should bow his head in assent and say—“No. He is a man, but—if it should arrive... blamest thou?”
Madame Binat rested a heavy arm on the table, refilled Dick’s glass, and studied him intently under the stars. There was no need for him to lower his head in agreement and say—“No. He’s a man, but—if it were to happen... would you blame me?”
“I blame?” she laughed shrilly. “Who am I that I should blame any one—except those who try to cheat me over their consommations. But it is very terrible.”
“I blame?” she laughed shrill. “Who am I to blame anyone—except those who try to cheat me on their bills. But it’s really terrible.”
“I must go to Suakin. Think for me. A great deal has changed within the year, and the men I knew are not here. The Egyptian lighthouse steamer goes down the Canal to Suakin—and the post-boats—But even then——”
“I need to go to Suakin. Consider my situation. A lot has changed in the past year, and the guys I knew aren’t here anymore. The Egyptian lighthouse steamer travels down the Canal to Suakin—and the post-boats—but even then——”
“Do not think any longer. I know, and it is for me to think. Thou shalt go—thou shalt go and see thy friend. Be wise. Sit here until the house is a little quiet—I must attend to my guests—and afterwards go to bed. Thou shalt go, in truth, thou shalt go.”
“Stop overthinking it. I know, and it’s my job to think. You should go—go see your friend. Be smart. Stay here until the house calms down a bit—I have to take care of my guests—and then go to bed. You will go, for real, you will go.”
“To-morrow?”
“Tomorrow?”
“As soon as may be.” She was talking as though he were a child.
“As soon as possible.” She was speaking to him like he was a child.
He sat at the table listening to the voices in the harbour and the streets, and wondering how soon the end would come, till Madame Binat carried him off to bed and ordered him to sleep. The house shouted and sang and danced and revelled, Madame Binat moving through it with one eye on the liquor payments and the girls and the other on Dick’s interests. To this latter end she smiled upon scowling and furtive Turkish officers of fellaheen regiments, was gracious to Cypriote commissariat underlings, and more than kind to camel agents of no nationality whatever.
He sat at the table, listening to the sounds from the harbor and the streets, wondering how soon it would all come to an end, until Madame Binat took him to bed and told him to sleep. The house was alive with shouting, singing, dancing, and celebration, with Madame Binat moving through it, keeping one eye on the liquor payments and the girls, and the other on Dick's interests. To that end, she smiled at the grim and secretive Turkish officers from local regiments, was friendly to Cypriote supply staff, and extra nice to camel agents with no identifiable nationality at all.
In the early morning, being then appropriately dressed in a flaming red silk ball-dress, with a front of tarnished gold embroidery and a necklace of plate-glass diamonds, she made chocolate and carried it in to Dick.
In the early morning, dressed in a bright red silk ball gown with a front of faded gold embroidery and a necklace of faux diamonds, she made hot chocolate and brought it to Dick.
“It is only I, and I am of discreet age, eh? Drink and eat the roll too. Thus in France mothers bring their sons, when those behave wisely, the morning chocolate.” She sat down on the side of the bed whispering:—“It is all arranged. Thou wilt go by the lighthouse boat. That is a bribe of ten pounds English. The captain is never paid by the Government. The boat comes to Suakin in four days. There will go with thee George, a Greek muleteer. Another bribe of ten pounds. I will pay; they must not know of thy money. George will go with thee as far as he goes with his mules. Then he comes back to me, for his well-beloved is here, and if I do not receive a telegram from Suakin saying that thou art well, the girl answers for George.”
“It’s just me, and I’m of a sensible age, right? Have a drink and grab a roll too. In France, mothers bring their sons morning chocolate when they behave well.” She sat on the side of the bed, whispering: “Everything is set. You’ll go by the lighthouse boat. That’s a bribe of ten pounds. The captain never gets paid by the Government. The boat arrives in Suakin in four days. George, a Greek muleteer, will be with you. Another bribe of ten pounds. I’ll cover it; they can’t know about your money. George will travel with you until he goes back with his mules. After that, he’ll return to me because his beloved is here, and if I don’t get a telegram from Suakin saying you’re okay, the girl will take care of George.”
“Thank you.” He reached out sleepily for the cup. “You are much too kind, Madame.”
“Thanks.” He reached out sleepily for the cup. “You’re way too kind, ma'am.”
“If there were anything that I might do I would say, stay here and be wise; but I do not think that would be best for thee.” She looked at her liquor-stained dress with a sad smile. “Nay, thou shalt go, in truth, thou shalt go. It is best so. My boy, it is best so.”
“If there’s anything I could suggest, I’d say stay here and be wise; but I really don’t think that’s what’s best for you.” She glanced at her liquor-stained dress with a sad smile. “No, you should go, truly you should go. It’s for the best. My boy, it’s for the best.”
She stooped and kissed Dick between the eyes. “That is for good-morning,” she said, going away. “When thou art dressed we will speak to George and make everything ready. But first we must open the little trunk. Give me the keys.”
She bent down and kissed Dick between the eyes. “That’s for good morning,” she said as she walked away. “Once you’re dressed, we’ll talk to George and get everything ready. But first, we need to open the little trunk. Hand me the keys.”
“The amount of kissing lately has been simply scandalous. I shall expect Torp to kiss me next. He is more likely to swear at me for getting in his way, though. Well, it won’t last long.—Ohe, Madame, help me to my toilette of the guillotine! There will be no chance of dressing properly out yonder.”
“The amount of kissing lately has been absolutely outrageous. I bet Torp will kiss me next. Though, he’s more likely to yell at me for getting in his way. Well, it won’t last long.—Oh, Madame, help me get ready for the guillotine! I won’t have a chance to dress properly out there.”
He was rummaging among his new campaign-kit, and rowelling his hands with the spurs. There are two ways of wearing well-oiled ankle-jacks, spotless blue bands, khaki coat and breeches, and a perfectly pipeclayed helmet. The right way is the way of the untired man, master of himself, setting out upon an expedition, well pleased.
He was digging through his new campaign kit and fidgeting with the spurs on his hands. There are two ways to wear well-oiled ankle boots, clean blue bands, a khaki coat and pants, and a perfectly polished helmet. The right way is the way of the energized person, in control of themselves, heading out on an adventure, feeling satisfied.
“Everything must be very correct,” Dick explained. “It will become dirty afterwards, but now it is good to feel well dressed. Is everything as it should be?”
“Everything has to be just right,” Dick explained. “It’s going to get messy later, but for now, it feels nice to be well dressed. Is everything the way it should be?”
He patted the revolver neatly hidden under the fulness of the blouse on the right hip and fingered his collar.
He patted the revolver cleverly concealed under the fullness of the blouse on his right hip and adjusted his collar.
“I can do no more,” Madame said, between laughing and crying. “Look at thyself—but I forgot.”
“I can’t do anything more,” Madame said, caught between laughter and tears. “Look at yourself—but I forgot.”
“I am very content.” He stroked the creaseless spirals of his leggings.
“I am very happy.” He smoothed the perfect spirals of his leggings.
“Now let us go and see the captain and George and the lighthouse boat.
“Now let’s go see the captain, George, and the lighthouse boat.”
Be quick, Madame.”
"Be quick, ma'am."
“But thou canst not be seen by the harbour walking with me in the daylight. Figure to yourself if some English ladies——”
“But you can’t be seen by the harbor walking with me during the day. Just imagine if some English ladies—”
“There are no English ladies; and if there are, I have forgotten them.
“There are no English ladies; and if there are, I’ve forgotten them.”
Take me there.”
“Take me there.”
In spite of this burning impatience it was nearly evening ere the lighthouse boat began to move. Madame had said a great deal both to George and the captain touching the arrangements that were to be made for Dick’s benefit. Very few men who had the honour of her acquaintance cared to disregard Madame’s advice. That sort of contempt might end in being knifed by a stranger in a gambling hell upon surprisingly short provocation.
In spite of this intense impatience, it was almost evening when the lighthouse boat finally started to move. Madame had talked a lot to both George and the captain about the preparations that needed to be made for Dick's sake. Very few men who were lucky enough to know her would dare to ignore Madame's advice. Disregarding her could lead to being attacked by a stranger in a gambling den over surprisingly minor provocations.
For six days—two of them were wasted in the crowded Canal—the little steamer worked her way to Suakin, where she was to pick up the superintendent of the lighthouse; and Dick made it his business to propitiate George, who was distracted with fears for the safety of his light-of-love and half inclined to make Dick responsible for his own discomfort. When they arrived George took him under his wing, and together they entered the red-hot seaport, encumbered with the material and wastage of the Suakin-Berger line, from locomotives in disconsolate fragments to mounds of chairs and pot-sleepers.
For six days—two of which were spent stuck in the crowded Canal—the small steamer made its way to Suakin, where it was set to pick up the lighthouse superintendent; and Dick made it his mission to appease George, who was anxious about the safety of his love interest and somewhat inclined to blame Dick for his own unease. When they arrived, George took him under his wing, and together they entered the sweltering seaport, filled with the debris and waste from the Suakin-Berger line, from broken locomotives to piles of chairs and sleeping mats.
“If you keep with me,” said George, “nobody will ask for passports or what you do. They are all very busy.”
“If you stick with me,” George said, “nobody will ask for passports or what you do. They're all really busy.”
“Yes; but I should like to hear some of the Englishmen talk. They might remember me. I was known here a long time ago—when I was some one indeed.”
“Yes; but I’d really like to hear some of the Englishmen talk. They might remember me. I was well-known here a long time ago—back when I was someone important.”
“A long time ago is a very long time ago here. The graveyards are full.
“A long time ago is a really long time ago here. The graveyards are full.”
Now listen. This new railway runs out so far as Tanai-el-Hassan—that is seven miles. Then there is a camp. They say that beyond Tanai-el-Hassan the English troops go forward, and everything that they require will be brought to them by this line.”
Now listen. This new railway extends all the way to Tanai-el-Hassan—that's seven miles. After that, there's a camp. They say that beyond Tanai-el-Hassan, the English troops will advance, and everything they need will be delivered to them by this line.”
“Ah! Base camp. I see. That’s a better business than fighting Fuzzies in the open.”
“Ah! Base camp. I get it. That’s a better deal than battling Fuzzies out in the open.”
“For this reason even the mules go up in the iron-train.”
“For this reason, even the mules ride in the iron train.”
“Iron what?”
"Iron what now?"
“It is all covered with iron, because it is still being shot at.”
“It’s all covered in iron because it’s still being shot at.”
“An armoured train. Better and better! Go on, faithful George.”
“An armored train. This just keeps getting better! Keep going, loyal George.”
“And I go up with my mules to-night. Only those who particularly require to go to the camp go out with the train. They begin to shoot not far from the city.”
“And I’m heading up with my mules tonight. Only those who really need to go to the camp leave with the train. They start shooting not far from the city.”
“The dears—they always used to!” Dick snuffed the smell of parched dust, heated iron, and flaking paint with delight. Certainly the old life was welcoming him back most generously.
“The dears—they always used to!” Dick inhaled the scent of dry dust, hot metal, and peeling paint with pleasure. Clearly, the past was welcoming him back with open arms.
“When I have got my mules together I go up to-night, but you must first send a telegram of Port Said, declaring that I have done you no harm.”
“When I have my mules together, I’ll head up tonight, but you need to send a telegram to Port Said first, stating that I haven’t done you any harm.”
“Madame has you well in hand. Would you stick a knife into me if you had the chance?”
“Madame has you under control. Would you stab me if you had the chance?”
“I have no chance,” said the Greek. “She is there with that woman.”
“I have no chance,” said the Greek. “She is there with that woman.”
“I see. It’s a bad thing to be divided between love of woman and the chance of loot. I sympathise with you, George.”
“I see. It’s tough to be torn between loving a woman and the chance to gain something valuable. I feel for you, George.”
They went to the telegraph-office unquestioned, for all the world was desperately busy and had scarcely time to turn its head, and Suakin was the last place under sky that would be chosen for holiday-ground. On their return the voice of an English subaltern asked Dick what he was doing. The blue goggles were over his eyes and he walked with his hand on George’s elbow as he replied—“Egyptian Government—mules. My orders are to give them over to the A. C. G. at Tanai-el-Hassan. Any occasion to show my papers?”
They went to the telegraph office without anyone questioning them, as everyone was extremely busy and hardly had time to stop and look around. Suakin was the last place anyone would pick for a vacation spot. On their way back, an English subaltern asked Dick what he was up to. With blue goggles covering his eyes and his hand resting on George's elbow, he replied, "Egyptian Government—mules. My orders are to hand them over to the A.C.G. at Tanai-el-Hassan. Do I need to show my papers?"
“Oh, certainly not. I beg your pardon. I’d no right to ask, but not seeing your face before I——”
“Oh, definitely not. I’m sorry. I had no right to ask, but I hadn’t seen your face before I——”
“I go out in the train to-night, I suppose,” said Dick, boldly. “There will be no difficulty in loading up the mules, will there?”
“I’m heading out on the train tonight, I guess,” said Dick confidently. “There won’t be any trouble loading up the mules, right?”
“You can see the horse-platforms from here. You must have them loaded up early.” The young man went away wondering what sort of broken-down waif this might be who talked like a gentleman and consorted with Greek muleteers. Dick felt unhappy. To outface an English officer is no small thing, but the bluff loses relish when one plays it from the utter dark, and stumbles up and down rough ways, thinking and eternally thinking of what might have been if things had fallen out otherwise, and all had been as it was not.
“You can see the horse platforms from here. You need to have them loaded up early.” The young man walked away, wondering what kind of sad, scrappy character this was who spoke like a gentleman and hung out with Greek mule drivers. Dick felt uneasy. Confronting an English officer is no small feat, but the bravado loses its appeal when you're doing it in complete darkness, stumbling around on rough paths, constantly thinking about what might have been if things had turned out differently, and everything had been different from how it is now.
George shared his meal with Dick and went off to the mule-lines. His charge sat alone in a shed with his face in his hands. Before his tight-shut eyes danced the face of Maisie, laughing, with parted lips. There was a great bustle and clamour about him. He grew afraid and almost called for George.
George shared his meal with Dick and headed to the mule-lines. His charge sat by himself in a shed, with his face in his hands. Before his tightly closed eyes, Maisie's face appeared, laughing, with her lips slightly parted. There was a lot of noise and commotion around him. He became scared and almost called out for George.
“I say, have you got your mules ready?” It was the voice of the subaltern over his shoulder.
“I say, do you have your mules ready?” It was the voice of the junior officer behind him.
“My man’s looking after them. The—the fact is I’ve a touch of ophthalmia and can’t see very well.
“My man’s taking care of them. The truth is, I have a bit of inflammation in my eyes and can’t see very well.
“By Jove! that’s bad. You ought to lie up in hospital for a while. I’ve had a turn of it myself. It’s as bad as being blind.”
"Wow! That’s not good. You should stay in the hospital for a bit. I’ve experienced it myself. It’s as bad as being blind."
“So I find it. When does this armoured train go?”
“So, I found it. When does this armored train leave?”
“At six o’clock. It takes an hour to cover the seven miles.”
“At six o’clock. It takes an hour to travel the seven miles.”
“Are the Fuzzies on the rampage—eh?”
“Are the Fuzzies on the loose—huh?”
“About three nights a week. Fact is I’m in acting command of the night-train. It generally runs back empty to Tanai for the night.”
“About three nights a week. The truth is I’m in charge of the night train. It usually goes back empty to Tanai for the night.”
“Big camp at Tanai, I suppose?”
“Big camp at Tanai, I guess?”
“Pretty big. It has to feed our desert-column somehow.”
“Pretty big. It has to somehow feed our desert column.”
“Is that far off?”
"Is that far away?"
“Between thirty and forty miles—in an infernal thirsty country.”
“Between thirty and forty miles—in an extremely dry and thirsty land.”
“Is the country quiet between Tanai and our men?”
“Is the area between Tanai and our guys quiet?”
“More or less. I shouldn’t care to cross it alone, or with a subaltern’s command for the matter of that, but the scouts get through it in some extraordinary fashion.”
“More or less. I wouldn’t want to cross it alone, or even under a subordinate's command for that matter, but the scouts manage to get through it in some amazing way.”
“They always did.”
“They always do.”
“Have you been here before, then?”
“Have you been here before?”
“I was through most of the trouble when it first broke out.”
“I had already gone through most of the trouble when it first started.”
“In the service and cashiered,” was the subaltern’s first thought, so he refrained from putting any questions.
“In the service and dismissed,” was the junior officer’s first thought, so he held back from asking any questions.
“There’s your man coming up with the mules. It seems rather queer——”
“There’s your guy coming up with the mules. It seems kind of strange——”
“That I should be mule-leading?” said Dick.
"Am I supposed to be leading the mules?" said Dick.
“I didn’t mean to say so, but it is. Forgive me—it’s beastly impertinence I know, but you speak like a man who has been at a public school. There’s no mistaking the tone.”
“I didn't intend to say that, but it is true. Forgive me—it's really rude, I know, but you talk like someone who attended a public school. There's no doubt about the tone.”
“I am a public school man.”
“I work in education.”
“I thought so. I say, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you’re a little down on your luck, aren’t you? I saw you sitting with your head in your hands, and that’s why I spoke.”
“I thought so. Look, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you’re having a tough time, aren’t you? I saw you sitting there with your head in your hands, and that’s why I said something.”
“Thanks. I am about as thoroughly and completely broke as a man need be.”
“Thanks. I’m as completely broke as a guy can be.”
“Suppose—I mean I’m a public school man myself. Couldn’t I perhaps—take it as a loan y’know and——”
“Suppose—I mean I went to public school myself. Couldn’t I maybe—take it as a loan, you know—and——”
“You’re much too good, but on my honour I’ve as much money as I want.
"You’re way too nice, but I swear I have as much money as I need."
... I tell you what you could do for me, though, and put me under an everlasting obligation. Let me come into the bogie truck of the train.
... I’ll let you know what you could do for me that would put me in your debt forever. Allow me to ride in the bogie truck of the train.
There is a fore-truck, isn’t there?”
There's a front truck, right?
“Yes. How d’you know?”
“Yes. How do you know?”
“I’ve been in an armoured train before. Only let me see—hear some of the fun I mean, and I’ll be grateful. I go at my own risk as a non-combatant.”
“I’ve been on an armored train before. Just let me see—hear some of the excitement I’m talking about, and I’ll be thankful. I’m going at my own risk as a non-combatant.”
The young man thought for a minute. “All right,” he said. “We’re supposed to be an empty train, and there’s no one to blow me up at the other end.”
The young man thought for a moment. “Okay,” he said. “We’re meant to be an empty train, and there’s nobody waiting to blow me up at the other end.”
George and a horde of yelling amateur assistants had loaded up the mules, and the narrow-gauge armoured train, plated with three-eighths inch boiler-plate till it looked like one long coffin, stood ready to start.
George and a crowd of shouting amateur helpers had packed the mules, and the narrow-gauge armored train, covered with three-eighths inch steel plating until it resembled one long coffin, was set to go.
Two bogie trucks running before the locomotive were completely covered in with plating, except that the leading one was pierced in front for the muzzle of a machine-gun, and the second at either side for lateral fire.
Two bogie trucks in front of the locomotive were fully encased in plating, except the front one had an opening for the muzzle of a machine gun, and the second had openings on either side for side firing.
The trucks together made one long iron-vaulted chamber in which a score of artillerymen were rioting.
The trucks formed one long, iron-roofed chamber where a group of artillerymen were causing a commotion.
“Whitechapel—last train! Ah, I see yer kissin’ in the first class there!” somebody shouted, just as Dick was clambering into the forward truck.
“Whitechapel—last train! Oh, I see you two kissing in first class!” someone shouted, just as Dick was climbing into the front car.
“Lordy! ’Ere’s a real live passenger for the Kew, Tanai, Acton, and Ealin’ train. Echo, sir. Speshul edition! Star, sir.”—“Shall I get you a foot-warmer?” said another.
“Wow! Here’s a real live passenger for the Kew, Tanai, Acton, and Ealin’ train. Echo, sir. Special edition! Star, sir.” — “Do you want me to grab you a foot-warmer?” said another.
“Thanks. I’ll pay my footing,” said Dick, and relations of the most amiable were established ere silence came with the arrival of the subaltern, and the train jolted out over the rough track.
“Thanks. I’ll pay my share,” said Dick, and a friendly vibe was set before silence fell with the arrival of the junior officer, and the train jolted onto the bumpy track.
“This is an immense improvement on shooting the unimpressionable Fuzzy in the open,” said Dick, from his place in the corner.
“This is a huge improvement over shooting the unremarkable Fuzzy in the open,” said Dick from his corner.
“Oh, but he’s still unimpressed. There he goes!” said the subaltern, as a bullet struck the outside of the truck. “We always have at least one demonstration against the night-train. Generally they attack the rear-truck, where my junior commands. He gets all the fun of the fair.”
“Oh, but he’s still not impressed. There he goes!” said the subaltern, as a bullet hit the side of the truck. “We always have at least one protest against the night train. Usually, they target the rear truck where my junior is in charge. He gets all the excitement.”
“Not to-night though! Listen!” said Dick. A flight of heavy-handed bullets was succeeded by yelling and shouts. The children of the desert valued their nightly amusement, and the train was an excellent mark.
“Not tonight though! Listen!” said Dick. A burst of heavy bullets was followed by yelling and shouts. The desert kids loved their nighttime fun, and the train was a perfect target.
“Is it worth giving them half a hopper full?” the subaltern asked of the engine, which was driven by a Lieutenant of Sappers.
“Is it worth giving them half a hopper full?” the subaltern asked the engine, which was operated by a Lieutenant of Sappers.
“I should think so! This is my section of the line. They’ll be playing old Harry with my permanent way if we don’t stop ’em.”
“I think so too! This is my part of the track. They’ll be messing up my train tracks if we don’t stop them.”
“Right O!”
“Got it!”
“Hrrmph!” said the machine gun through all its five noses as the subaltern drew the lever home. The empty cartridges clashed on the floor and the smoke blew back through the truck. There was indiscriminate firing at the rear of the train, and return fire from the darkness without and unlimited howling. Dick stretched himself on the floor, wild with delight at the sounds and the smells.
Hrrmph! said the machine gun through all its five barrels as the subaltern pulled the lever back. The empty cartridges clattered on the floor and the smoke drifted back through the truck. There was random shooting coming from the back of the train, and return fire from the darkness outside along with endless howling. Dick lay on the floor, ecstatic at the sounds and smells.
“God is very good—I never thought I’d hear this again. Give ’em hell, men. Oh, give ’em hell!” he cried.
“God is really good—I never thought I’d hear this again. Give them hell, guys. Oh, give them hell!” he shouted.
The train stopped for some obstruction on the line ahead and a party went out to reconnoitre, but came back, cursing, for spades. The children of the desert had piled sand and gravel on the rails, and twenty minutes were lost in clearing it away. Then the slow progress recommenced, to be varied with more shots, more shoutings, the steady clack and kick of the machine guns, and a final difficulty with a half-lifted rail ere the train came under the protection of the roaring camp at Tanai-el-Hassan.
The train halted due to an obstruction on the track ahead, and a group stepped out to scout, but returned, swearing they needed shovels. The locals had piled sand and gravel on the tracks, causing a twenty-minute delay to clear it away. Then the slow movement resumed, interrupted by more gunfire, shouts, the constant clack and kick of the machine guns, and one last challenge with a partially lifted rail before the train finally reached the safety of the roaring camp at Tanai-el-Hassan.
“Now, you see why it takes an hour and a half to fetch her through,” said the subaltern, unshipping the cartridge-hopper above his pet gun.
“Now you get why it takes an hour and a half to bring her through,” said the subaltern, removing the cartridge-hopper from above his pet gun.
“It was a lark, though. I only wish it had lasted twice as long. How superb it must have looked from outside!” said Dick, sighing regretfully.
“It was fun, though. I just wish it had lasted twice as long. How amazing it must have looked from the outside!” said Dick, sighing with regret.
“It palls after the first few nights. By the way, when you’ve settled about your mules, come and see what we can find to eat in my tent. I’m Bennil of the Gunners—in the artillery lines—and mind you don’t fall over my tent-ropes in the dark.”
“It gets boring after the first few nights. By the way, once you’re settled with your mules, come check out what we can find to eat in my tent. I'm Bennil of the Gunners—in the artillery lines—and watch out for my tent ropes in the dark.”
But it was all dark to Dick. He could only smell the camels, the hay-bales, the cooking, the smoky fires, and the tanned canvas of the tents as he stood, where he had dropped from the train, shouting for George. There was a sound of light-hearted kicking on the iron skin of the rear trucks, with squealing and grunting. George was unloading the mules.
But everything was a blur to Dick. All he could smell were the camels, the hay bales, the food cooking, the smoky fires, and the sun-baked canvas of the tents as he stood where he had jumped off the train, shouting for George. There was the lighthearted sound of kicking on the metal surface of the back trucks, along with squealing and grunting. George was unloading the mules.
The engine was blowing off steam nearly in Dick’s ear; a cold wind of the desert danced between his legs; he was hungry, and felt tired and dirty—so dirty that he tried to brush his coat with his hands. That was a hopeless job; he thrust his hands into his pockets and began to count over the many times that he had waited in strange or remote places for trains or camels, mules or horses, to carry him to his business. In those days he could see—few men more clearly—and the spectacle of an armed camp at dinner under the stars was an ever fresh pleasure to the eye. There was colour, light, and motion, without which no man has much pleasure in living. This night there remained for him only one more journey through the darkness that never lifts to tell a man how far he has travelled. Then he would grip Torpenhow’s hand again—Torpenhow, who was alive and strong, and lived in the midst of the action that had once made the reputation of a man called Dick Heldar: not in the least to be confused with the blind, bewildered vagabond who seemed to answer to the same name. Yes, he would find Torpenhow, and come as near to the old life as might be. Afterwards he would forget everything: Bessie, who had wrecked the Melancolia and so nearly wrecked his life; Beeton, who lived in a strange unreal city full of tin-tacks and gas-plugs and matters that no men needed; that irrational being who had offered him love and loyalty for nothing, but had not signed her name; and most of all Maisie, who, from her own point of view, was undeniably right in all she did, but oh, at this distance, so tantalisingly fair.
The engine was blasting steam right by Dick's ear; a cold desert wind whirled around his legs; he was hungry and felt tired and dirty—so dirty that he tried to brush off his coat with his hands. That was a pointless effort; he shoved his hands into his pockets and started to think about all the times he had waited in strange or remote places for trains, camels, mules, or horses to take him to work. Back then, he could see—better than most—and watching an armed camp have dinner under the stars was always a delightful sight. There was color, light, and movement, which are essential for a fulfilling life. That night, he had just one more journey through the never-ending darkness to remind him of how far he had come. Then he would shake Torpenhow’s hand again—Torpenhow, who was alive and strong, and lived in the center of the action that once made Dick Heldar famous: not to be confused with the blind, confused wanderer who shared the same name. Yes, he would find Torpenhow and get as close to his old life as he could. After that, he would forget everything: Bessie, who had destroyed the Melancolia and almost ruined his life; Beeton, who lived in a strange, unreal city full of tacks and gas fixtures and things no one needed; that irrational person who had offered him love and loyalty for nothing but hadn’t signed her name; and most importantly, Maisie, who, from her perspective, was completely justified in everything she did, but oh, from this distance, so frustratingly beautiful.
George’s hand on his arm pulled him back to the situation.
George's hand on his arm pulled him back to reality.
“And what now?” said George.
“And what now?” asked George.
“Oh yes of course. What now? Take me to the camel-men. Take me to where the scouts sit when they come in from the desert. They sit by their camels, and the camels eat grain out of a black blanket held up at the corners, and the men eat by their side just like camels. Take me there!”
“Oh yes, of course. What now? Take me to the camel handlers. Take me to where the scouts hang out when they return from the desert. They sit by their camels, and the camels eat grain from a black blanket held up at the corners, and the men eat beside them just like the camels. Take me there!”
The camp was rough and rutty, and Dick stumbled many times over the stumps of scrub. The scouts were sitting by their beasts, as Dick knew they would. The light of the dung-fires flickered on their bearded faces, and the camels bubbled and mumbled beside them at rest. It was no part of Dick’s policy to go into the desert with a convoy of supplies. That would lead to impertinent questions, and since a blind non-combatant is not needed at the front, he would probably be forced to return to Suakin.
The camp was tough and bumpy, and Dick stumbled several times over the stumps of bushes. The scouts were sitting by their animals, just as Dick expected. The light from the dung-fires flickered on their bearded faces, and the camels grumbled and muttered beside them as they rested. Dick didn’t plan to head into the desert with a supply convoy. That would lead to annoying questions, and since a clueless non-combatant isn’t needed at the front, he’d likely have to go back to Suakin.
He must go up alone, and go immediately.
He has to go up by himself, and he needs to go right now.
“Now for one last bluff—the biggest of all,” he said. “Peace be with you, brethren!” The watchful George steered him to the circle of the nearest fire. The heads of the camel-sheiks bowed gravely, and the camels, scenting a European, looked sideways curiously like brooding hens, half ready to get to their feet.
“Now for one last bluff—the biggest of all,” he said. “Peace be with you, my friends!” The attentive George guided him to the circle of the nearest fire. The heads of the camel leaders nodded solemnly, and the camels, catching the scent of a European, glanced sideways curiously like anxious hens, half ready to rise.
“A beast and a driver to go to the fighting line to-night,” said Dick.
“A beast and a driver to head to the front lines tonight,” said Dick.
“A Mulaid?” said a voice, scornfully naming the best baggage-breed that he knew.
“A Mulaid?” said a voice, mockingly naming the best breed for carrying baggage that he knew.
“A Bisharin,” returned Dick, with perfect gravity. “A Bisharin without saddle-galls. Therefore no charge of thine, shock-head.”
“A Bisharin,” replied Dick, completely serious. “A Bisharin without saddle galls. So there’s no reason for you to complain, shock-head.”
Two or three minutes passed. Then—“We be knee-haltered for the night. There is no going out from the camp.”
Two or three minutes went by. Then—“We're stuck here for the night. No one is allowed to leave the camp.”
“Not for money?”
“Not for cash?”
“H’m! Ah! English money?”
"Hmm! Oh! British currency?"
Another depressing interval of silence.
Another gloomy stretch of silence.
“How much?”
“What's the price?”
“Twenty-five pounds English paid into the hand of the driver at my journey’s end, and as much more into the hand of the camel-sheik here, to be paid when the driver returns.”
“Twenty-five pounds in English currency paid to the driver when I arrive at my destination, and an additional amount paid to the camel-sheik here to be given when the driver comes back.”
This was royal payment, and the sheik, who knew that he would get his commission on this deposit, stirred in Dick’s behalf.
This was royal payment, and the sheik, who knew he would earn his commission on this deposit, advocated for Dick.
“For scarcely one night’s journey—fifty pounds. Land and wells and good trees and wives to make a man content for the rest of his days. Who speaks?” said Dick.
“For just about one night’s journey—fifty bucks. Land and wells and nice trees and wives to keep a guy happy for the rest of his life. Who's talking?” said Dick.
“I,” said a voice. “I will go—but there is no going from the camp.”
“I,” said a voice. “I will go—but there’s no leaving the camp.”
“Fool! I know that a camel can break his knee-halter, and the sentries do not fire if one goes in chase. Twenty-five pounds and another twenty-five pounds. But the beast must be a good Bisharin; I will take no baggage-camel.”
“Fool! I know a camel can break its knee strap, and the guards won’t shoot if someone goes after it. Twenty-five pounds and another twenty-five pounds. But the animal has to be a solid Bisharin; I won't take any baggage camel.”
Then the bargaining began, and at the end of half an hour the first deposit was paid over to the sheik, who talked in low tones to the driver.
Then the negotiation started, and after half an hour, the first deposit was handed over to the sheik, who spoke in quiet tones to the driver.
Dick heard the latter say: “A little way out only. Any baggage-beast will serve. Am I a fool to waste my cattle for a blind man?”
Dick heard the other say: “Just a little ways out. Any pack animal will do. Am I an idiot for wasting my livestock on a blind man?”
“And though I cannot see’—Dick lifted his voice a little—“yet I carry that which has six eyes, and the driver will sit before me. If we do not reach the English troops in the dawn he will be dead.”
“And even though I can’t see”—Dick raised his voice slightly—“I’m still carrying something with six eyes, and the driver will be sitting in front of me. If we don’t reach the British troops by dawn, he’ll be dead.”
“But where, in God’s name, are the troops?”
“But where, for heaven's sake, are the troops?”
“Unless thou knowest let another man ride. Dost thou know? Remember it will be life or death to thee.”
“Unless you know, let someone else ride. Do you understand? Remember, it will be a matter of life or death for you.”
“I know,” said the driver, sullenly. “Stand back from my beast. I am going to slip him.”
“I know,” said the driver, sulkily. “Step back from my beast. I'm going to slip him.”
“Not so swiftly. George, hold the camel’s head a moment. I want to feel his cheek.” The hands wandered over the hide till they found the branded half-circle that is the mark of the Biharin, the light-built riding-camel.
“Not so fast. George, hold the camel’s head for a second. I want to feel its cheek.” The hands moved over the skin until they found the branded half-circle that marks the Biharin, the lightweight riding camel.
“That is well. Cut this one loose. Remember no blessing of God comes on those who try to cheat the blind.”
“That’s good. Let this one go. Remember, no blessings from God come to those who try to deceive the blind.”
The men chuckled by the fires at the camel-driver’s discomfiture. He had intended to substitute a slow, saddle-galled baggage-colt.
The men laughed around the fire at the camel driver’s embarrassment. He had planned to replace it with a slow, saddle-sore baggage colt.
“Stand back!” one shouted, lashing the Biharin under the belly with a quirt. Dick obeyed as soon as he felt the nose-string tighten in his hand,—and a cry went up, “Illaha! Aho! He is loose.”
“Stand back!” one shouted, whipping the Biharin under its belly with a quirt. Dick complied as soon as he felt the nose-string tighten in his hand,—and a cry went up, “Illaha! Aho! He is loose.”
With a roar and a grunt the Biharin rose to his feet and plunged forward toward the desert, his driver following with shouts and lamentation.
With a loud roar and a grunt, the Biharin got to his feet and charged forward into the desert, his driver trailing behind, shouting and lamenting.
George caught Dick’s arm and hurried him stumbling and tripping past a disgusted sentry who was used to stampeding camels.
George grabbed Dick's arm and rushed him forward, causing him to stumble and trip past a disgusted guard who was used to dealing with panicking camels.
“What’s the row now?” he cried.
“What’s the fuss now?” he shouted.
“Every stitch of my kit on that blasted dromedary,” Dick answered, after the manner of a common soldier.
“Every piece of my gear on that damn camel,” Dick replied, in the tone of an ordinary soldier.
“Go on, and take care your throat’s not cut outside—you and your dromedary’s.”
“Go ahead and make sure your throat isn’t cut out there—you and your camel’s.”
The outcries ceased when the camel had disappeared behind a hillock, and his driver had called him back and made him kneel down.
The shouting stopped when the camel had vanished behind a small hill, and his driver had called him back and made him kneel.
“Mount first,” said Dick. Then climbing into the second seat and gently screwing the pistol muzzle into the small of his companion’s back, “Go on in God’s name, and swiftly. Good-bye, George. Remember me to Madame, and have a good time with your girl. Get forward, child of the Pit!”
“Get on first,” said Dick. Then he climbed into the second seat and carefully pressed the pistol muzzle into the small of his companion’s back, “Go on for God’s sake, and quickly. Goodbye, George. Say hi to Madame for me, and enjoy your time with your girl. Move forward, child of the Pit!”
A few minutes later he was shut up in a great silence, hardly broken by the creaking of the saddle and the soft pad of the tireless feet. Dick adjusted himself comfortably to the rock and pitch of the pace, girthed his belt tighter, and felt the darkness slide past. For an hour he was conscious only of the sense of rapid progress.
A few minutes later, he was surrounded by a deep silence, barely interrupted by the creaking of the saddle and the quiet pad of the tireless feet. Dick settled himself comfortably into the rhythm of the ride, tightened his belt, and felt the darkness slip by. For an hour, he was only aware of the sensation of moving quickly forward.
“A good camel,” he said at last.
“A good camel,” he finally said.
“He was never underfed. He is my own and clean bred,” the driver replied.
“He was never underfed. He’s mine and well-bred,” the driver replied.
“Go on.”
"Go ahead."
His head dropped on his chest and he tried to think, but the tenor of his thoughts was broken because he was very sleepy. In the half doze it seemed that he was learning a punishment hymn at Mrs. Jennett’s. He had committed some crime as bad as Sabbath-breaking, and she had locked him up in his bedroom. But he could never repeat more than the first two lines of the hymn—
His head dropped onto his chest as he tried to think, but his thoughts were scattered because he was really sleepy. In his drowsiness, it felt like he was trying to learn a punishment song at Mrs. Jennett’s. He had done something as bad as breaking the Sabbath, and she had locked him in his bedroom. But he could never remember more than the first two lines of the song—
When Israel of the Lord beloved
Out of the land of bondage came.
When Israel, beloved of the Lord,
Came out of the land of bondage.
He said them over and over thousands of times. The driver turned in the saddle to see if there were any chance of capturing the revolver and ending the ride. Dick roused, struck him over the head with the butt, and stormed himself wide awake. Somebody hidden in a clump of camel-thorn shouted as the camel toiled up rising ground. A shot was fired, and the silence shut down again, bringing the desire to sleep. Dick could think no longer. He was too tired and stiff and cramped to do more than nod uneasily from time to time, waking with a start and punching the driver with the pistol.
He said them over and over thousands of times. The driver turned in the saddle to see if there was any chance of grabbing the revolver and ending the ride. Dick woke up, hit him over the head with the butt of the gun, and angrily shook himself awake. Someone hidden in a patch of camel-thorn shouted as the camel struggled up the incline. A shot was fired, and silence fell again, bringing back the urge to sleep. Dick couldn’t think anymore. He was too tired, stiff, and cramped to do anything more than nod nervously from time to time, jolting awake and hitting the driver with the pistol.
“Is there a moon?” he asked drowsily.
“Is there a moon?” he asked sleepily.
“She is near her setting.”
“She is about to leave.”
“I wish that I could see her. Halt the camel. At least let me hear the desert talk.”
“I wish I could see her. Stop the camel. At least let me hear the desert speak.”
The man obeyed. Out of the utter stillness came one breath of wind. It rattled the dead leaves of a shrub some distance away and ceased. A handful of dry earth detached itself from the edge of a rail trench and crumbled softly to the bottom.
The man followed the command. From the complete silence, a single breath of wind appeared. It shook the dry leaves of a nearby bush and then stopped. A small pile of dry dirt broke away from the edge of a ditch and fell softly to the ground.
“Go on. The night is very cold.”
“Go ahead. The night is really cold.”
Those who have watched till the morning know how the last hour before the light lengthens itself into many eternities. It seemed to Dick that he had never since the beginning of original darkness done anything at all save jolt through the air. Once in a thousand years he would finger the nailheads on the saddle-front and count them all carefully. Centuries later he would shift his revolver from his right hand to his left and allow the eased arm to drop down at his side. From the safe distance of London he was watching himself thus employed,—watching critically. Yet whenever he put out his hand to the canvas that he might paint the tawny yellow desert under the glare of the sinking moon, the black shadow of a camel and the two bowed figures atop, that hand held a revolver and the arm was numbed from wrist to collar-bone. Moreover, he was in the dark, and could see no canvas of any kind whatever.
Those who have stayed up until morning know how the last hour before dawn stretches out into what feels like many eternities. It seemed to Dick that since the beginning of complete darkness, he had done nothing but jolt through the air. Once every thousand years, he would touch the nailheads on the saddle-front and count them all carefully. Centuries later, he would shift his revolver from his right hand to his left and let the relaxed arm drop at his side. From a safe distance in London, he was watching himself do this—watching critically. Yet whenever he reached out to the canvas to paint the golden yellow desert under the glare of the setting moon, the black shadow of a camel and the two bowed figures on top, that hand was holding a revolver and his arm was numb from wrist to collarbone. Plus, he was in the dark and couldn’t see any canvas at all.
The driver grunted, and Dick was conscious of a change in the air.
The driver grumbled, and Dick sensed a shift in the atmosphere.
“I smell the dawn,” he whispered.
“I can smell the dawn,” he whispered.
“It is here, and yonder are the troops. Have I done well?”
“It’s here, and over there are the troops. Did I do okay?”
The camel stretched out its neck and roared as there came down wind the pungent reek of camels in the square.
The camel stretched its neck and let out a roar as the strong smell of camels in the square came wafting down with the wind.
“Go on. We must get there swiftly. Go on.”
“Go ahead. We need to get there quickly. Go on.”
“They are moving in their camp. There is so much dust that I cannot see what they do.”
“They're moving in their camp. There's so much dust that I can’t see what they’re doing.”
“Am I in better case? Go forward.”
“Am I in a better situation? Move on.”
They could hear the hum of voices ahead, the howling and the bubbling of the beasts and the hoarse cries of the soldiers girthing up for the day.
They could hear the buzz of voices up ahead, the howling and bubbling of the beasts, and the raspy shouts of the soldiers gearing up for the day.
Two or three shots were fired.
Two or three gunshots were fired.
“Is that at us? Surely they can see that I am English,” Dick spoke angrily.
“Are they talking about us? They must see that I’m English,” Dick said angrily.
“Nay, it is from the desert,” the driver answered, cowering in his saddle.
“Nah, it’s from the desert,” the driver replied, shrinking back in his saddle.
“Go forward, my child! Well it is that the dawn did not uncover us an hour ago.”
“Go ahead, my child! It’s good that dawn didn’t reveal us an hour ago.”
The camel headed straight for the column and the shots behind multiplied. The children of the desert had arranged that most uncomfortable of surprises, a dawn attack for the English troops, and were getting their distance by snap-shots at the only moving object without the square.
The camel headed straight for the column as the gunshots increased behind them. The desert kids had set up that most unpleasant surprise, a dawn raid on the English troops, and were keeping their distance by taking quick shots at the only moving target outside the square.
“What luck! What stupendous and imperial luck!” said Dick. “It’s “just before the battle, mother.” Oh, God has been most good to me!
“What luck! What amazing and incredible luck!” said Dick. “It’s just before the battle, mom.” Oh, God has been so good to me!
Only’—the agony of the thought made him screw up his eyes for an instant—“Maisie...”
Only—the agony of the thought made him squint for a moment—“Maisie...”
“Allahu! We are in,” said the man, as he drove into the rearguard and the camel knelt.
“Allahu! We're in,” said the man, as he drove into the rearguard and the camel knelt.
“Who the deuce are you? Despatches or what? What’s the strength of the enemy behind that ridge? How did you get through?” asked a dozen voices. For all answer Dick took a long breath, unbuckled his belt, and shouted from the saddle at the top of a wearied and dusty voice, “Torpenhow! Ohe, Torp! Coo-ee, Tor-pen-how.”
“Who the heck are you? Sending messages or what? How many enemies are hiding behind that ridge? How did you make it through?” asked a dozen voices. In response, Dick took a deep breath, unbuckled his belt, and yelled from the saddle in a tired and dusty voice, “Torpenhow! Hey, Torp! Coo-ee, Tor-pen-how.”
A bearded man raking in the ashes of a fire for a light to his pipe moved very swiftly towards that cry, as the rearguard, facing about, began to fire at the puffs of smoke from the hillocks around. Gradually the scattered white cloudlets drew out into the long lines of banked white that hung heavily in the stillness of the dawn before they turned over wave-like and glided into the valleys. The soldiers in the square were coughing and swearing as their own smoke obstructed their view, and they edged forward to get beyond it. A wounded camel leaped to its feet and roared aloud, the cry ending in a bubbling grunt. Some one had cut its throat to prevent confusion. Then came the thick sob of a man receiving his death-wound from a bullet; then a yell of agony and redoubled firing.
A bearded man, raking through the ashes of a fire to find a light for his pipe, quickly moved toward the sound of the cry, as the rear guard turned around and started shooting at the puffs of smoke rising from the nearby hills. Gradually, the scattered white clouds stretched out into long lines of dense white that hung heavily in the stillness of dawn before rolling over like waves and gliding into the valleys. The soldiers in the square were coughing and cursing as their own smoke blocked their view, and they moved forward to get beyond it. A wounded camel jumped to its feet and let out a loud roar, which ended in a bubbling grunt. Someone had cut its throat to prevent chaos. Then came the muffled sob of a man getting his fatal bullet wound, followed by a scream of pain and intensified firing.
There was no time to ask any questions.
There was no time to ask questions.
“Get down, man! Get down behind the camel!”
“Get down, dude! Get down behind the camel!”
“No. Put me, I pray, in the forefront of the battle.” Dick turned his face to Torpenhow and raised his hand to set his helmet straight, but, miscalculating the distance, knocked it off. Torpenhow saw that his hair was gray on the temples, and that his face was the face of an old man.
“No. Please, put me at the front of the battle.” Dick turned to Torpenhow and raised his hand to straighten his helmet, but, misjudging the distance, knocked it off instead. Torpenhow noticed that Dick's hair was gray at the temples and that his face looked like that of an old man.
“Come down, you damned fool! Dickie, come off!”
“Get down, you idiot! Dickie, get down!”
And Dick came obediently, but as a tree falls, pitching sideways from the Bisharin’s saddle at Torpenhow’s feet. His luck had held to the last, even to the crowning mercy of a kindly bullet through his head.
And Dick came obediently, but like a tree falling, he pitched sideways from the Bisharin’s saddle at Torpenhow’s feet. His luck had held until the end, even to the final mercy of a compassionate bullet through his head.
Torpenhow knelt under the lee of the camel, with Dick’s body in his arms.
Torpenhow knelt on the protected side of the camel, holding Dick’s body in his arms.
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